#but i've been having panic attacks daily so like i need to make some changes to solve this n my therapist could rlly help i think

[blueberrylovv]

I love ur blog the meals you eat are so pretty but simple and I feel like I can actually achieve it, I've never eaten >1000 before what is that experience like for you??

hello! thank you sm im so happy you've been enjoying my meals :3

to be completely honest i naturally eat around 1k a day, now im tyring to limit it to 800 so im restricting only a little bit compared to what would be my normal desired intake so im not struggling much so please keep that in mind because if your desidere intake is highet than mine it could be harder for you but i guess these are a few things i think could help you:

don't overcomplicate it - like you said my meals are rather easy and simple (a yoghurt bowl, salads, some kind of protein rich thing like cream cheese or vegan meat alternatives or roasted chickpeas with veggies) it's because i really really love cooking and im always tempted to try more and more complicated recipes but i know they would never be as low in cal as the simple things i make so i try to stick to the simple, no prep/v little prep meals. i buy the same ingredients every time i do a restock just to not get tempted into experimenting and making something that would be way over my daily intake limit

i eat what i enjoy - simple as that, i enjoy all of the meals i eat, i dont force myself to eat smth that isn't tasty to me. i know one of the adives people give is to make food an unenjoyable as possible but it doen't work for me, im more likely to binge later so i'd rather eat 1k a day of things i enjoy over eating 500kcal of smth that i dont particualry like and it leaves me craving other things.

follow your own patterns not what other people say - ik ppl tend to advise to not eat in the evening but for me it makes me sleep better (i have some big trauma form my childhood with going to bed hungry and i will have a straigh up panic attack if i get hunger pains if im laying down to sleep, if it's during the day idc but going to sleep? totally different story) and also I prefer doing omad so I'd rather eat later once and have only coffee in the morning than disturb my day flow by forcing myself to eat around noon.

don't lose your mind over 100kcal over - my bmr is around 1600 I try to do 800 a day so I'm already eating half of what I should be eating, if I go 100 over that initial 800 it changes nothing I'll still lose but it might prevent me from a binge. keep some 100kcal foods in your house, something that you know is below 100 so you can eat it without checking how much exactly it is, you dont evne have to log it into your tracker - that will take away some mental workload and the feeling of regret, just be prepared to sacrifice those extra 100 from time to time to keep yourself from binging, it will be better in the long run

not every day is the same - sometimes you'll feel like eating more some less if you would like to you could try not counting dayli but weekly so instead of hitting 1k a day focus on hitting 7k a week. yes yes ik big number scary number but I think it could be less overwhelming. I love to do lists, they help me keep track of things and stay motivated but I can't do daily lists because if I miss even one tasks on it I will get discouraged and drop everything so I do weekly lists instead and I chose what I want to do when, as long as it gets done in the week all is good, some days I feel better and i'll do multiple tasks some of them days ahead of the deadline and some days I feel bad so I don't do anything. eating is similar, some days maybe you'll have to run some errands or maybe you will have to study for a test and you'll need to eat to stay focuses or maybe you'll be meeting with a friend or maybe you'll have food in the fridge you don't want to throw away and waste money - eat more than 1k that day and then try to even it out on another day as long as your average is around 1k a day (again around not under bc that 100kcal over won't kill you I promise) you will be okay

figure our what works for you - I could never be one of those 'multiple smaller meals a day' girls, I swear by my omad bc if I were to eat small portions/snacks multiple times a day every time I'd eat I'd get hungry, that's just how my body works, omad is how I can stay consistent. figure out what works for you, if you prefer one bigger meal or multiple smaller ones; if you prefer warm meals or are cold ones fine; if you prefer meal prepping/planning days in advance or are you a go with the flow kinda person.

all of this will be a trial and error kinda deal so be prepared to struggle a little bit at the beginning but at the end of the day knowing youself and your body will save you, yes take inspiration from other people but at the end of the day you are you and they are them and your journeys wont ever be 1:1 copy of each other.

i hope i helped you at least a little bit, like i said im not altering my 'natural' too much so it's not that big of a struggle to me and now that im posting my wiaiad updates regularly it helps me even more to stay consistent and keep myself accountable. i'd say just try different things, don't throw yourself off to the deep end and start slowly, adapt as you'll be going, ask for help and advice but at the end of the day be prepared to not follow it if it turns out your body is not compatible with it. if you have any more questions feel free to ask and for now i wish you good luck, i hope you have a lovely day, remember to drink your water and stay safe <3

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oops small edit: also these posts i made some time ago are important i think [1] [2] okay that's all byeeeeeee

[bittercideristaken]

I passed out fourteen times but here's my pointy objects fanart I've been working on for literally months and only now got a break from school and work to finish

(this is fanart from an ao3 fic called of gods, monsters, and pointy objects made for @gontagokuhara !!! I hope you're feeling better from covid!! I promise I won't feel bad about how long this took if YOU don't feel bad about the time this next chapter is taking, MASTERPIECES TAKE TIME!!!)

I had (have) more art planned but I didn't want to wait forever to post this, it's the reason as to why I haven't commented yet!! I was trying to finish this first and then I didn't have time LMFAOO I hope you like it!

Baby (giant) Gonta being raised (literally) by Nagito, distracted by a cool beetle!

2. Angie and her mom(s) off their island's shore....

3. Kaede in Chapter 10, after the RV explosion, in the bathroom of Mikan's cottage....

4. Ibuki and her daughter, Kanami, waking up in a panic after the attack

(Non)surprisingly, I think it'd be fun to also share some of my pointy objects headcanons in this same post! I wrote down a LOT of them in my notes app overtime, and they're mostly camp-based. But since this is long I'll just put it under the cut ;)

• Miu's hair used to be the exact shade of blonde as kaede, but she dyed it pink with manic panic and it's NEVER come out

• Nagito and Ibuki were already friends, but only started becoming close after the Tsumugi incident bc of their shared grief and self-doubts... she basically stayed at camp the whole time while the triplets healed up until Junko banned parents from seeing their kids

• Ryoma was a daily smoker before coming to camp, but Nagito encouraged him to switch to nicotine patches

• The counselors didn't realize Gonta needed glasses for a HOT minute until one day while Hajime was trying to set up a lesson plan for his schooling and couldn't figure out why Gonta's reading comprehension went way down when they used a chalkboard... and they're like "...can you NOT see it?😟" like "oh. well he needs glasses, thats it" *facepalm*

• Tenko goes to a lot of girl group concerts with Himiko and Peko! So when she comes to camp, Kiibo begs her to show them the videos 😭

• Sometimes someone gets sick and can't do dinner duty, and sometimes Nagito says "I'll cook" and everyone rejoices because they KNOW it's a pizza night 😭 they literally bet on how long he'll be struggling in the kitchen until they hear the car leaving camp

• Miu is a SERIAL clothing theif, even though she constantly hates on everyone's style/says their clothes are too big/small for her anyway. Kaede is a constant victim of this 😭 she'll tear up her closet looking for a specific top in the morning and then come out to breakfast to see Miu wearing it (it has caused physical fights)

• Angie and Tenko always show up with the cutest hair with all kinds of accessories. They're the best at braiding and most of the camp has had their hair braided at least three times in one summer.

• Kaede and Kirumi are pretty damn good at sewing! The long haulers bring Kaede things that need mending when Kirumi isn't there lol, and Kaede makes all her own Halloween costumes! (And trades her chore duties to help others with their own costumes)

• Rantaro is GENUINELY a tiktok star 💀 he did musical.lys to cringey music unironically when he was like 12 but ppl really started following him for his aesthetic travel videos, and "dying my hair/piercing myself at 3am bc I'm bored" videos (also some unfortunate thirst traps and dance videos💀) Shuichi shows up in the background sometimes and Rantaro teases him because ppl keep commenting "WHO THAT IN THE BAAAAACCKKKK" but yeah he doesn't take it crazy seriously or post very often

• Himiko has known Hajime/Nagito the longest of all the campers (they literally changed her diapers for Chiaki) but she used to hide behind her mom's legs as a toddler bc she was shy 🥺

• Miu works better with music on, it's like her only real psychological tie to her Godly parent (other than the attitude)💀 she dances around her room while working on projects and turns the music up REALLY loud in her cabin and makes everyone complain until she's gifted a pair of really good headphones for Christmas

• Angie also LOVES to surf, Sakura wasn't the best surfer before but she literally learned just so she could surf with her daughter 🥺 it makes her feel closer to Aoi

• Sometimes when the counselors are SUPER overwhelmed they literally say that they've been called to a meeting and just take the weekend off somewhere 💀💀💀 usually one stays behind but it's something they've NEVER admitted to even though the triplets have definitely figured it out after Hajime came back from a """""meeting"""""" with a trinket for his office 💀

• (KINDA NSFW) But Ibuki has had the most relationships with other gods out of everyone else followed by Makothoe 😭 This doesn't really say much it's just a record bc the gods have relationships with humans anyway 💀 if you account for humans it's probably Leon or Teru LMAOOOO (honorable mention to the imposter because LMFAOOOO but I headcanon he has like real relationships with humans and sticks with them for a while not necessarily uhhh yk)

• Most of the gods are used to acclimating themselves to their time, but like, sometimes they still don't catch up with EVERYTHING and they act like parents who struggle to get Siri to work or squint when they have to use a phone (The counselors got sick of a 12 y/o Kokichi asking if they had games on their phone and kokichi got sick of them saying "a telephone was made for calling people" so he got a phone slightly before the other campers 😭) (Byakuya and Makoto got a smartfridge that they STILL struggle to work 💀) (Taka's face turns red after the first 10 minutes he takes to connect a bluetooth device to his car)

• Vocal stims spread across camp like wildfire until Hajime nearly tears his hair out begging them to stop (vocal stims ALSO linger in MEETINGS LMFAOO I think the indubitably bit in sdr2 was so real and funny 😭)

• Baby rantaro was DRIPPED TF OUT💀 Makoto and Byakuya had him in designer clothes as a toddler, to the point where reporters/business partners were suggesting he go into junior modeling because he was such an adorable kid! Makoto likes to tease/brag to Rantaro about it lol. He still has the toddler clothes stored away and a bunch of photos of baby rantaro in formal wear😭

• Kaito has a scar on his stomach from when he tried to fight off the monsters that killed his grandparents

• Kaede is "talking smart", and so is her twin, Miu, but it SHOWS when she's talking trash about someone 😭 she has an Azealia Banks level of world-ending, life-changing reads at the tip of her tongue

OKAY THATS ALL FOR NOW BYEEEEEEE

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I break off an old friendship with someone who stayed by my side despite my mental and general life issues, after everyone else had left?

This friend from high school had been a great friend, kept me company when I was all alone, supported me through two bad breakups, we went to the same college and we were very close.

Until I started talking more openly about politics, being queer, mental health etc. She's the facebook liberal type, slightly left of center. She gave me the freedom to be more open with her by being cool with taboo topics, then turned sour when it extended beyond what she knew. Examples, she'd change subject if I talked about queer media when normally she's telling her friends how she had a sleepover with her "wife" and saw each other naked. She was surprised to learn that you're not supposed to out someone against their will. She believes cops are bad only in USA. We're not Americans.

She started being open with me too, she told me how she hated it when her classmates talked about their favorite music, how she hated any fandom stuff they talked about besides discussing fanfics with another fandom friend, how she makes excuses so she can go wherever she wants alone and not with friends. She told me she spies on my exes on facebook insta etc and tried to tell me what they've been up to and only stopped telling me about after many requests and explanations as to why that made me really uncomfortable.

A few months ago she and I had a fight, she exclaimed that my politics was too American (I'm just an average leftist like most of 30+ tumblr and my other friends), that my politics was too fandom oriented (she avoids fandom so much she has blocked activists for even hinting at being a fandomgoer, like discussion of racism in fandom is waste of time and silly to her, fan-anything can't be taken seriously), mocked me for having childish interests (just knowing pop culture in general) then we stopped talking.

After some months she texted that she really misses talking to me as I was her only "progressive friend" who understood her when she wanted to discuss feminism, movies, world politics etc. She said she needed me to be her gateway to pop culture knowledge as I knew so many cool new things. She begged me to be friends again, and since I missed hanging out with her a lot I started chatting again. But I told her that it was hard for me to forgive her and I'd leave for real if she hurts me again.

This time she let go of the normal daily stuff we used to talk about and only stuck to Topics of Debate. She asked me to teach her progressive thinking, educate her, but when I asked if she wanted to touch on lgbt+ topics or physical -mental health related topics outside of her comfort zone of basic sexual health, she danced around a lot instead of giving an answer. I snapped and asked yes or no, she said no.

I asked her if she understands that even if she didn't feel like those topics were her priority, I'd probably want to talk about them with her as a queer neurodivergent person and friend, would that be an issue? She kind of ignored it to say that basically her priority was just local political gossip, religion, and a little bit of solarpunk stuff, outdated at that. I was disappointed but let it go and we decided to talk later.

The other day she messaged me with her usual gossip about how her friends are being too excited about some music stuff and what book she thinks I should read (we have completely different taste). And I got a panic attack. Since then I've had multiple panic attacks at the thought of having to talk to her.

She has been one of my oldest friends, she supported me and took my side in every breakup I had and she forced me to go outside when I was severely depressed, she was practically family, but now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. If I bring up any topic she dislikes she's going to turn away, if I come out to her as trans she'll joke and start to avoid me, she doesn't want to learn anything new even though she takes pride in being a great learner, if I talk about things that make me happy she'll ignore it. I don't know if she'll go and tell others how cringey my interests are. Maybe she'll go to my exes and tell them I used her as support and threw her away when she didn't meet the standard as that's been a line of thinking among my exes.

I'm also struggling with BPD and anxiety, so maybe I'm hating her now and will want her back later, it's my brain being a jerk? I think I'm overreacting and she won't do any of these, but I also feel so drained after we talk these days. I need friends who I can talk to about mundane things, friends who share memes with me and tell me what anime they're passionate about, what new recipe they liked, instead I feel like I'm just there to drag her down with my issues and politics and dumb jokes. But multiple people think I used and discarded them for not agreeing politically, I'd usually disagree but what if I am the problem and I expect too much?

So I'm asking, am I being a jerk if I cut her off?

What are these acronyms?

[princescribbler]

YOUR DYNAMIC IS YOUR DYNAMIC: IT DOESN'T NEED TO FIT ANYONE ELSE"S IDEAS!

(Pre-emptive content warning: discussions of depression, fetishism, ABDL, D/s, fairly extreme Ageplay and regression dynamics, and broader power exchange dynamics)

It's often hard to explain to people what my kink dynamic looks like with my fiance/ partner/ mommy-domme @giggle-byte. Am I her little? Yes. 24/7 diapers? Absolutely. Do I wear a chastity cage most days, and follow detailed routines and rules? ABSOLUTELY! So do I feel like she's the only one in charge, I'm this completely regressed and controlled 'slave', and we're 24/7 D/s? Absolutely not, and I'll try to explain why a bit further below. But also... kind of yes? But not in the way people seem to think!

See, I've been into forced regression, unpotty training, pretty intense ABDL and MD/lb things for as long as I can recall. Heck, most of my dating history I was the daddy domme like 70% of the time or more, instead of like 10-15% in my current dynamic. So finding a full-time mommy-domme and lifelong kink partner would, in theory, result in extreme lifestyle changes. Sure, some happened...but nothing i didn't ask for, beg for, PLEAD for over years of my life. Nothing was done i didn't consent to, agree with, and even generally DESIRED to have! The point i'm trying to make is this: I expected a specific 'version' of what it meant to have a mommy-domme, and especially a 24/7 dynamic, and i was just...wrong! See, my dynamic is based on MY needs, not the ones my penis thinks of when it's hard, and not the ones i read about online. my needs are mine, and they don't necessarily MATCH the expectation online! So why bother getting my partner to give me detailed rules, give me structure, etc? because it WORKS FOR US, and IS WHAT I WANT! Why do I have a bedtime? Because i struggled with tiredness at work in the morning and thrive on routine. The chastity? Well, i had panic attacks around sex, and momma suggested at first it would take my mind off the idea of having to 'perform'. Soon, i liked the whole idea, the control, the teasing, the build up...but i also didn't like actually feeling denied, and frankly when we first started, i had a pretty low sex-drive....so weirdly, my amazing fiance @giggle-byte actually helped me 'regain' some of that sex drive, enjoy and embrace...via CHASTITY! And now, it's actually her who is the amazing, controlled, thoguhtful one who handles that for me. I can ask to lock, unlock, etc...but the truth is she knows what i can and can't cope with and gives it to me without me needing to ask! But it's NOT about denial...she unlocks me every day, with few exceptions. It's not about control: I have the key, a backup key, a third backup, even in play where i 'lock the key away' in a timer lock i genuinely can't get into...it's never off my keyring as a spare. The idea is the DYNAMIC is there...but the daily rules are more open, flexible, and based on our mutual desires and needs!

Every time we reassess our dynamic we run into this over and over. Too many online stories, too many fantasies, and not enough realistic reality or even modern and flexible dynamics crept into our expectations...and suddenly, we realized that we aren't doing a 24/7 ABDL and MD/lb (and switch DD/lg dynamic, though she's slightly more private about her little side) relationship the way anyone was expecting...but it was WORKING for us very well, DESPITE that?!

The point I'm trying to make is this; Your dynamic, relationship, and needs are YOURS and won't look like a cookie-cutter idea. For some people into MD/lb, they want chastity, denial, cock and ball torture, humiliation, degradation, and the like. For some, it's purely non-sexual, cute, and loving. For us...it's sometimes very flexible, but generally it's more focused on cuteness, structure, routine, and supporting us both in our mutually shared kinky desires!

To wrap this rant up: Let's go through a few quick examples of what the EXPECTATION of a dynamic like ours usually is, and then compare it to what MY relationship looks like. Expectation/archetype against the reality!

Chastity Expectation: to be locked, denied, teased, humiliated, left wanting and desperate or degraded or even cuckolded! My Dynamic/Chastity Reality: momma uses it like a sex toy, it's not required, it's a thing i only wear for a few hours most days, but i CAN feel the desire for more...and one wore it the better part of a month, without prior experience with that, and loved it!

Diapers 24/7 Expectation: Public humiliation against my will to forcibly infantilize, regress, and humiliate or control me! My Dynamic/Diaper Reality: It's my fucking kink, i CLEARLY enjoy it and momma helped me stop feeling ashamed and worried. in fact, it's not a profound comfort and sort of security-blanket.

Switch Relationship Expectation: To constantly swap roles, or to only stay in one role at a time, or to at the very least struggle with who is 'big' and who is 'little' at any given time. My Switch Reality: It's fluid, happens without a ton of effort (admittedly this took time to establish), i can be 'baby prince papi' while she's still my 'princess'...even if it's 'momma princess'. Our roles don't match the traditional expectations.

24/7 ABDL and MD/lb Expectation: A lifestyle of complete submission, regression, denial, control, humiliation, and sexual frustration in order to become more and more needy and desperate...Eventually usually implied to end in either permanent regression, cuckolding, etc. My 24/7 ABDL and MD/lb Reality: Basically just the fun parts of that, without sexual frustration, plus my sex drive went from 'once a week' to '3-5x a day' and has made me happier, healthier, more confident, cute, and self-accepting. Oh and i get all my kinky desires met, fulfill the love of my life's kinky fantasies, al while getting MORE sexy fun, MORE relaxation, and IMPROVED mental as well as physical well-being. You know...NOT what i was told I'd receive!

So fuck the idiots who demand you follow their idea of kink. Well, don't actually fuck them, they don't deserve it, but i mean....ignore and disregard them! You don't have to have a dynamic that fits any traditional guidelines, rules, etc. If you want to have a unique dynamic, CELEBRATE your uniqueness and finding someone who shares it with you! And for god's sake, don't expect each other to fulfil a role neither of you signed up for, ok? It's OK to have a fantasy and yet find the reality unpleasant, preferring to live in a gentler, nicer lifestyle. Give yourself permission to be unique, creative, and DEFINE your needs rather thna having them defined for you! I promise: it pays off in spades!

As always, stay happy, stay healthy, and stay kinky!

-Scribbler

[licuadora-nasir]

Another kind of crash

Pairing: chargestep

Warnings: panic attack reference, blood, Canon-Typical Violence

Summary: What if Sidestep never crashed after visiting Hollow Ground's lair? What if they had to deal with the consequences of a shitty villain reveal without being stuck in a hospital bed?

Notes: Thank you so much @uncreativeboxdraws for proofreading my mess u're my hero

Read it in AO3

"River? Sorry, I guess it's a bit of a shock to find out I've known for as long as I have."

He doesn’t understand, he’s looking at you and he doesn’t get it. 

“We can’t talk about it later.”

“Fuck shit.”  You step on the gas; you need to get out of here now.

Ortega winces as you weave through the traffic. He never liked being in the passenger seat, as much as you’ve always loathed driving in Los Diablos. 

“We’re in trouble.” 

“That’s not nEW!” The car jerks, and you do your best to keep it under control, but you’ve never been the best driver and the car starts skidding wildly, although it looks like the sniper just shot out your tire. 

By some miracle, Ortega manages to pull the hand-break just in time for the car to decelerate and miss the approaching truck. Taking advantage of the commotion, you finally put your shit together and get the hell out of there.

“What the hell was that?!” Ortega sputters, back pressed against the seat, one hand gripping your upper arm and the other grabbing at the door. 

“Good question. A sniper? I don’t think this was Hollow Ground’s doing.” Focusing on not crashing, you shrug Ortega’s hand off and wipe the sweat off your forehead. If Hollow Ground wanted you dead, he could have ordered so instead of letting you go willingly. Or maybe, he changed his mind when he saw who was getting in the car with you.

“Mierda. How many enemies have you made as Riot?” He’s staring at you bug-eyed.

“Ehhh, I don’t know. A few?” Your laugh sounds nervous and suspicious. “Who says that shot was for me and not for you? I’m not the one with a one-man crusade against him.” 

“Of course not, because you’re his little br—” You swerve the car on purpose this time, not looking forward to listening to him finish that sentence. 

“SHUT UP! Just. Shut-up. I can’t drive properly with you harassing me with your pet obsession.”

“Fine. But you’re not running away from this one. Keep driving until we’re sure we’ve lost them and go straight to my place.” He doesn’t take his eyes off you, and if that didn’t make you nervous on a daily basis, right now it’s borderline unbearable. “And don’t try anything funny. You have that look in your eyes.”

“At your command, Marshal. Oops, I mean, former Marshal.” He doesn’t laugh, only keeps staring at you with that look of business on his face and you grow anxious with each second past. 

He’s never looked at you like that. Never spoken to you with that tone. Yeah, sure, you’ve worked with him before and seen how he orders civilians around or interrogates criminals, hell, he’s even had plenty of arguments with other people on your behalf, but he’s never been really mad at you.

Not like now, anyway.  Not because you’ve hurt people. A lot of people. You’ve lied to him, betrayed him and laughed in his face. Put him in the hospital too. And he doesn’t even know about Raine yet. Fuck shit. 

After a while, when you’ve made sure you lost whoever the fuck was trying to blow up your brains, you head to his neighbourhood. As unlikely as it seems, he’s taking your shutting up request seriously, and you think that you’ve never shared a silence that lasted so long.

And because you’re used to his constant rambling and can’t stand his static anymore, you’re the first to break it. 

“What’s going to happen once we get off the car?” 

“That depends on how you want this to go.” His voice is stripped of emotion, straight to the point. That is his way of warning you not to be an asshole. “You can park around here, it’s not a good idea to have the car so close to my building.” 

“You don’t have to worry, I’ll take care of it later.” Of course, you’re lying. Once you stop the engine you’re getting the fuck out here. 

You really don’t want to have this conversation. You’re afraid; not because you fear what Ortega can do to you, you doubt he’ll beat you up too badly if it comes to blows. 

You’re scared of facing the rejection. The prospect of losing whatever is going on between you two after getting back together is more terrifying than any hit he could lay on you. 

But you’re not Sidestep anymore. You’re not the boy who spends his days trying to please Charge and looking for his approval. Your freedom is in your hands now, and you’re not giving it away, not even for Ricardo. 

So you do what you must have done since you got in the car, and when you stop the engine, you break to run. 

Unfortunately for you, you don’t get very far since Ortega has better reflexes than you, zapping you even before you can pull the door handle.

You bite a scream while you dump your head against the wheel, the claxon echoing your pain with a sound of its own. 

“¡River! ¡Puta madre! Te avisé que no hicieras tonterías.” He steps out of the car hurrying to your side, just in time to catch you as you hurry out as well. 

“Let me go you idiOT—” You gasp as he zaps you again and electricity branching down every nerve. Your whole body convulses and Ortega catches you by the waist before it hits the ground.

That electric shock would have been enough to knock someone out and give them some severe burns. But all those years in the farm, while you were submitted to far more painful torture made sure you weren’t anybody. Electric shocks were often used to test how long you could remain focused, and you suppose you have built some endurance to electricity as a result of that.

Regardless, you pretend to be out cold, waiting for an opening to successfully run from Ortega. 

“¡Ay Dios mío! I really didn’t want to come to this…” He closes the car’s door, puts you on his shoulder like you weigh nothing and walks to his building carrying you like a sack of potatoes. 

“Why don’t you ever listen to me?” He sounds tired, a harsh contrast to the determined demeanour he had some minutes before. Technically, you do listen to him. But that doesn’t mean you have to do what he asks. 

When he gets to the building, he feeds the doorman some bullshit story about how you were having some drinks, and you got so drunk you passed out. If not for Ortega’s charm and you being a known face around, you don’t think there’s a chance in hell he’d have bought such a preposterous story. As it stands though, and with a small telepathic push for good measure, he doesn’t suspect anything too weird.

If only they knew you only pass out out of drunkenness alone.

You finally arrive to his flat, and he takes care of the locks and the security system before gently lying you on the couch, making sure the door is locked in case you want to leave. Bastard. 

He heads to the kitchen to probably get a first aid kit, and wasting no time, you grab the nearest lamp quiet as a mouse, getting up from the couch. 

Your beating heart threatens to burst out of your chest. Stealthily, you walk to the kitchen, lamp in your sweaty hands, hurrying up before he turns back. 

The stupid fancy shoes you chose for this meeting with Hollow Ground are new, and the rubber sole makes a barely perceptible noise against Ortega's floor that you pray he won't hear. 

But your derby’s noise might not be so imperceptible to him, given he turns back and dodges the lamp that was aimed straight at his head. Wasting no time, he lands a blow in your face. 

Your body retreats and you take advantage of the new closeness to kick him in the guts, before delivering another kick to his chin and jumping over the kitchen island, making him chase you through the living room.

“River, stop! We can’t talk about this!” He sounds more desperate than angry, but his feelings are quite low on your priority list right now.

“Talk? You want to talk?!?! You’re keeping me TRAPPED you bastard! TRAPPED!” You fiddle with the locks but there’s no use, and as he sounds  his approach you pick the nearest picture hanging on the wall and throw it at him, a petty distraction to jump over the couch and put some distance between you two.

“Stop being so dramatic! We wouldn’t be in this situation if you didn’t run from all your problems, pendejo!” His gaze drips with accusation. The audacity. 

“Me?!” You wipe the blood from your face. Is it coming from your nose or your lip? “I’m not the dramatic one in this relationship!” 

“So we do have a relationship?” For a moment, he looks at you with new eyes, but common sense comes back to him a second later and he shakes his head. “Hey! Stop trying to distract me by bringing up our relationship, that’s dirty!” 

“A relationship? A relationship based on lies and secrets? Is any of this even real?” You sound manic in your ears and Ortega looks distressed.

“Of course it is! Give me some credit, I told you I knew you were Riot and I’ve known you were Hollow Ground’s little brother since you showed me your face.” You’re gritting your teeth so hard you wouldn’t be surprised if they just snapped. 

Ortega and his stupid theories. His pointless obsessions. He’s spent years working on an absurd backstory, believing himself to be so smart and astute, yet he’s oblivious to the truth before his eyes. 

You are not part of this world. You are not part of anything. You can’t belong, you’re a fish in a tank, they made sure of it. Made to fool and pretend, that’s what they taught you. 

They. The static. Ortega’s static. 

“Why won’t you just TALK to me!!” You want to scream from the top of your lungs. Rip off all of your hair. You’re breathing yet air doesn’t seem to reach your lungs, you’re sweaty and clothes stick to your skin in an intrusive way. 

“Stop yelling. Please. I’m sorry.” You’re cracking. Your voice sounds like a hollow whisper, your eyes sting. “Please, you’re scaring me.” Both of you are standing on opposite sides of the dinner table, the only thing protecting you against that dreadful static. 

“I just want to understand you.” You send a glance his way, Ricardo seems as shaken as you. Tired, looks like he has aged 10 years in the span of this conversation. 

“I don’t know how to do that.” Shaky words. Iron and salt in your mouth. You’re crying. “I don’t know how to explain. Where to start?”

“In the beginning? Anywhere? Por favor, inténtalo. Give me anything.” Pleading, he begins to path towards your side of the table, but you hold a hand to keep him in place. 

“I’ll show you.” Stop being chicken. Stop being a crybaby. “I’ll show you, and you can hate me for it later. But don’t move. And don’t talk until I say so.” 

If he wants to know so badly, you reveal to him the truth. Feed him the poisonous orange so he can throw it up later in your face like the disgraceful abomination you are.

[andersonpress]

#DEEPTHOTS - What The F*ck Just Happened?

May 11, 2021

How did we get here? 

Bitch...it’s May. How the fuck did we get to 2021? I haven’t had a sliver of free space in my brain to process 2020...the last time I wrote a #DEEPTHOT my campus was in a state of emergency - YIKES by Nicki Minaj was bangin’ and I had just bought a dog. I was fed up with the time space continuum and the fact that professors seem to operate outside of it. School continues to be business as usual and like usual - millions are getting left behind. 

I took a break from the monotony of dog motherhood and being cooped up in the house to be a slave - I got a 9 to 5. Yeah I know, dumb bitch behavior. As the world wants us to think: I should be using my freetime to make money, stack paper, #grindszn. Call me Fall Out Boy - the mighty fell. I found myself running to the private restroom at my job saying things like ‘this will all be worth it,’; ‘I’ll be able to meet my needs,’ and all the other stupid shit you convince yourself to believe when you are making money for someone else for pennies on the dollar. The things you say to delude yourself out of thinking about how disrespected you feel on the daily, how little you know your administration feels about you, how little thanks you get for consistently saving the day. Oops, am I talking too loud? I couldn’t even think about doing fun shit - I had to work. Yeah...not doing that shit again. 

What even is normal anyway? 

My mantra since this shit began has been: 

I can not control anyone’s actions but my own. 

Being a survivor of abuse - you don't have a concept of normal. Getting called out of your name by someone you love IS normal. Putting hands on people in your family IS normal. Making yourself small for the betterment of the family...chile who tf said that shit was normal? Now take it to the internet: Whether at a protest, online forums, sneaking out past quari-curfew - everyone was so LOUD and WRONG. ‘The age of misinformation’ didn’t end..it got a Canva Pro subscription. Activist groups filled with elitists disguised as anarchists. Mutual aid funds embezzling money. Diversity, BIPOC, Access, and AAVE keep flying around on my timeline with messengers who don’t know the cashapp of any Black people. Y’all really tried to bully me into voting for Uncle Joe and KOONmala remember? The Western world continues to take shots at American policy makers instead of refocusing our energy on countries with little to no access to vaccinations for COVID - 19. What the fuck is happening? Fuck my trauma look at the world. What governments believe to be 'normal.' What community members find 'normal.' It was all too much to take in. 

So I took a major step back in all aspects of my life.

I turned inward so as to focus on finishing my proposal (ya know my Doctoral degree) and I'm almost there. I rallied for my friends when needed, cared for some folks, sent money to causes I could, and shamed yt people into doing work. I did what I could - which is what I am going to continue to do. 

I have not been processing my life as I used to. So many things have changed about it, I don't want to spend all of my time trying to comprehend and not on living. And I mean when, where, how are we supposed to process what's going on? There has been zero process time for the horrors of these past few years. I went from codependency - to addiction - to running from my problems - to blaming other people - to isolating myself - to having daily panic attacks - to be a codependent leaning/bird on the run type/narcissist baby ass bitch. And I just learned that I actually did all that shit THIS year. I expect things from myself that I can't do. My capacity to understand is there but my drive to push thru stopped. I have always heard folks say that things in your life start to "blur" together...years of monotony go by. In marriages you hate, avoiding people who care about you... yeah I've done that already. And then had to get UNdone from it. We put things off cause we don't have the time or the energy to deal with it but it just piles up. Getting undone is an intimate process. Surreal. It's wild to know the power you hold - to hurt people - change people's lives - be a fuck up - do fucked up shit. But we must embrace our capacity for evil as much as our capacity for good. Balance is key. I'm continuing to survive and trying to be happy. Keyword of 'try.' I am unlearning every fucking day. Re learning - refusing to accept certain truths - living in the world I want to live in. Unlearning is forever. Through the pandemic, partnerships, education, workshops, large moments in your life - you will have to learn you really ain't all that special. Shit really isn't about YOU. People are snakes - ask any fire sign...we constantly feel wronged. People have negative intentions for you - you are delusional about how close you are to people - you allow people to cross your boundaries - you sacrifice portions of yourself to make others happy. 

Baby, that's not gone work.

Are you ready for a revolution? 

I’ve found peace in keeping up with international revolutionaries, activists, students, and community members all pushing their messages. Sounding off around the world! The struggle is international - it’s nothing personal. Similar with my suicide attempts and being a survivor of abuse - I'm not alone. Everything I feel is for me. My experience is mine. But everyone else also has their own very real experiences. I am not the only person with emotions. Everyone is going through shit. You get to moments in life where you feel like things don't stop - no time to break - no time to understand. But the future is filled with intention. And bad bitchery. And crying. 

Being neurotypical makes things so much harder. Being Black makes it nearly impossible. Being queer makes this dangerous. I am not supposed to be happy. Healing is not linear. 

Unlearning for me looks like a full on breakdown...for 30 minutes. (Hey I used to spiral for days now I got it down to under 30 minutes shout out to my therapist). At first there is a slew of emotions: anger, confusion, doubt, anxiety, depression, jealousy...real ugly thoughts. I jot those thoughts down in my phone, write lyrics, take pictures, or hula hoop until my head slows down. I validate all that shit first. Damn, I felt that shit - it was wild - but we reach the end of this portion. Then I research, find others who are going through what I am and apply changes to my lifestyle. I have my counselor and core friends to hold me accountable to being accepting to change. I talk to myself, my ancestors, my community for guidance. I'm getting better at asking for help. 

I remember my partner mentioning Octavia Butler's words that change is God. How I see it - We are capable of change - take the metaphor how you will. 

It's ok Tay. Breathe. Do. Be. That is enough. Time to push through mama. Living as if the world can change. That’s the mission. 

[leviathanlog]

#10

I'm going to preface this by saying: Wow, sorry. I knew I wanted to drop the daily updates, but I absolutely did not intend to be late by a week and a half. At first I wasn't writing out of embarrasment, because I didn't get things done, but after that it was just laziness. So let's begin the recap then: It took me a couple of days, but I pulled myself together, and actually started looking for jobs, and I feel pretty close to getting one! However that was not actually the topic that has been poisoning my mind the most. I'll try to make it quick and painless for me: I found myself having feelings for them again. It's embarrasing to admit, but it was true. I was on a group thing with them being there again, and at some point I think they implied that they got a partner? I never got confirmation, I wasn't going to ask, but I didn't need to. Out of nowhere, from a part of my heart I didn't even know existed, I felt something. Anguish, dread, anxiety; I'm not sure what it was, but it didn't feel like an emotion of mine. It felt like a bestial and childish part of my brain had awoken from its slumber and was going nuts over these news. I was taken aback, because I didn't know in that instant where did that come from, but when I rationalized it later, after the group thing ended, I developed a new strategy. I decided that I would split my understanding of myself into three facets: Instinct, the one from which all unfiltered emotions, impulses and desires came from, the animalistic side I described earlier. Judgement, the part of me that processed all those emotions into coherent thoughts, and would often chastize itself for having them, this side was the one in charge of making sense of what I felt. And finally, Carapace, who would be at the controls, making sure to understand my needs and wants and seeing them accomplished to the best of its ability. It would also be responsible for protecting the other two from being hurt by others, which would often require lying and avoiding being vulnerable.

Now I know that I described them negatively, but that's a bit of the point, the idea was to see these as different people instead of myself, because while I tend to be very self-deprecating, I would never consciously try to make someone I care about feel bad, or ignore them when they are in pain. And so far, it has mostly worked out for me.

Now, going back to those feelings for the person that I was once in love with, who I thought I was over. I felt pretty bad for the following days, including tonight. It didn't help that there was another group thing where I had to see them again. It was funny actually, we were playing a trivia game, and the competition for first place was between me and them. Now, I am a competitive person, and I often like to play up my feelings for comedic effect. So I told them that they were now my nemesis and that they would rue the day they crossed me (I lost at the trivia game). This will be relevant later.

From that day to tonight, I've been going back and forth between having panic attacks over why was I being so irrationally hurt by them being able to find love, and reaching life changing conclusions that let me be at peace with myself (they weren't that much life changing turns out).

So what changed? I was thinking about it, really hard, really fucking hard. None of my friends were available for venting, but I didn't know if I actually wanted to tell them about these feelings. As I stated before, it felt embarrasing going back on what I thought was the wrap-up of my feelings for this person. I also knew that I didn't want any solutions, because there weren't any, I can't do nothing about their life now, we're not even friends. "Wait... I don't even consider them my friend anymore! Why the hell am I feeling love just because they got together with someone? I don't even like them!"

And then it hit me, this feeling that I've been calling "an evil version of love" in my mind, wasn't love at all. I realized that I HATE them.

And why wouldn't I? They got to blindside me with a breakup that I didn't even get time to process before they continued talking to me as if nothing had happened. Then they dropped me when I was at a very low point because I was being too needy? I suppose. After that they just gradually stopped talking to me, months passed where if I wasn't the one to start the conversation, then there wouldn't be any. I tried talking to them more and more, maybe that would rekindle our friendship. But nothing. They just don't care. They didn't even bother telling me. And the worst part is that I now found myself unable to enjoy a lot of things because they reminded me of them. Even love. Love reminded me of them, and I was unable to feel it for anyone else, as much as I wanted to. Why do they get to move on while I'm still stuck in this same awful horrible painful place? It's not fair.

Now, I know this sounds like a very one sided story where I'm omitting a lot of facts that would make the other party seem a lot more reasonable. I am partly doing that. This is very hyperbolic, and they are not a bad person. But friends drifting away is an issue that has come up way too often for me in the last couple of years, and I'm very sensitive about it. And if I got to be spiteful towards the other people who ignored me, then why couldn't it be the same for my ex? Turns out I can. Turns out it feels great.

I don't want to create unnecessary conflict. I will never tell them about this, unless they approached me about it. But given what I've already explained, I'm absolutely sure they won't bother talking to me for a long, long time.

Good job everyone.

[sincelastsession]

I'm pissed off now because I can't remember various things about today and I understand some shit but the rest I'm upset about but now it's like I know I'm mad I can read the journal entry I see what that says but...I think I dissociated or idk. I'm worried about that now and I had heart arrhythmia shit this evening and a huge cry and now like the entire session is foggy. I remember being there. I remember parts of what was said but it faded away and other parts popped up that sort of made sense. Dad brought me a heart thingy to record if something is off. My blood pressure was 107/68 bpm was 68. Tiny bit lower than usual despite the constant panic attack feeling I'm having.

Won't die from the heart thing but it's annoying as hell right now. dad said he'd help me get in with a new heart doctor because my current one has been ignoring legit complaints.

I think that he really did manipulate you today I still believe that and he has been kinder to me today though he did yell at me several times even when I told him that that does not make anything that's going on better and he does interrupt me and cross my boundaries even after I've said no and then I will tell him things several times in a row and then he'll tell me that I didn't say it and he does gas light me and I'm not trying to throw him under the bus or anything because I do want a relationship with my father that's tolerable for both of us And I know I cannot control him and I don't think that anybody understands that I'm just wording things in a different manner and It's just not neurotypical speech pattern it's different and I really need my dad to understand me better so he doesn't get confused and overwhelmed and so mad with me and we can talk and I know I have things I need to work on and I'm trying I really am but I feel like I'm getting punished again because he's back in my life and every time I do something wrong he criticizes it and pokes at it and pokes at it and just like he was talking about red he's poking at he's bringing up the fucking red

And I know that I'm a lot like him in some ways but I'm also my own person and I don't want to be treated like a stupid child and I don't want to be talked down to and what you saw today was him on his best behavior it was manipulative and yes he was interacting and seemed to be in good spirits but that is a fake persona that he happens to use a lot for his own Survival or whatever I don't know if my dad is possibly neurodivergent like me or just bipolar or just a personality disorder or just a fuckin asshole ok? But the way he spoke to me outside when we left was not ok. The way he spoke to me this evening when he came over was NOT OK. We didn't have the worst time but he needs to STOP yelling at someone having anxiety ptsd problems and a heart issue popping up suddenly possibly the bands at the loud show threw it off kilter like heavy bass does. Idfk.

I understand that sometimes my language sounds a certain way but I guess we need to work on training me to rephrase certain things and I'm willing to work on that and I would like it to be where my dad also works on some thanks so we can communicate and not have blow out insane arguments and I don't have to worry about getting physically attacked again

And everybody thinks I'm fucking insane for trying this and maybe I am because every other therapist has told me that he's bad shit when they've talked to him and I need to get the hell away from him this is like a hail Mary of trying to have a good relationship with him before he drops dead.

I understand that he wants me to be financially independent as soon as possible and I'm very stressed out with my PTSD flare up and just trying to do the journaling for you and what I can do.

Some things I literally cannot do.

Some things I just haven't done and I haven't been successful in doing it.

Some things I can possibly do but I'm scared

Some things I can do with no problem

Sometimes these things change daily and it's really strange to me and I don't understand that because sometimes I cannot do something at all and the next day I can do it like it's no problem and I don't understand what's going on but then I'm having these moments where I'm missing time but not a ton of time or I have a memory but it's just really foggy and I don't know if my brain is actively trying to protect itself or if I'm having a disassociative issue So I guess after we talk to mom next session then the session after that we're just gon to have to go over a bunch of shit.

And maybe I am possibly controlling I'm not beyond admitting that I'm not a perfect human being and everybody does have times where they talking act like this I understand the issue but when my dad gets upset with me being controlling he's talking about like extreme almost paranoia like saying he thinks I'm trying to control him and make him do everything and it's very paranoid sounding when he freaks out and gets angry and it doesn't make any sense to me and Half of what I remember him saying didn't make sense to me and some of what you said didn't make sense to me however The memories are foggy because my father is a major trigger for me and I've had to be very strong all day and deal with him more than once today and it was hard because the last time I did see him he had hurt me physically And it's not the first time he has done something like that to me and it sent me into a tailspand a complete PTSD flare up.

He doesn't seem to understand that what happened on that day with him and my sister was horribly traumatic for me.

I did not like the talk about pop culture and the word trigger I did speak to him about that again and I hope that he understands that I'm not using it as a pop culture reference type thing I've kno I've no doubt that word in the meaning because I got taught by a medical professional and I was taught about identifying my triggers I went to an eating disorder facility and I was stuck there for quite a while until I weaseled my way home because it was terrible and they were being abusive However they did hammer some things into my head while I was there in the middle of the fucking desert

So I'm not the best at it but I do know how to identify some of my triggers I wish I could identify more of them and I need to understand how I can be less bothered by the triggers I still need to work on my people pleasing I still need to work on separating my self from the approval of my parents and all this other crap which I'm sure you have figured out

I am still pissed off I don't wanna not see you as my therapist I'm just mad still I will probably get over it I know that you said I could be mad if I wanted to so I am and I'm trying to process and I'm trying to trust everybody because this shit is hard and it's really painful

The amount of grief that I have and the amount of pain and trauma and shit that my parents have caused me since I was a infant the things I can remember and the things that people have done to me since I was 2 years all these other things that have happened it's just an astronomical amount of stuff and I really wish you could have gotten the files from my other EMDR therapist I don't know if that's a work in progress or if you've got them or if we're just gonna not work with them but I really wanted to have them and I know that I don't get to control everything

But I want to Express that I probably have a control issue problem but cause I never got to be in control of anything or I felt that I was never really in control because of how I grew app and what was going on with my body and other people using my body and raping my body and my body getting sick and attacking itself and I Don't really trust a single soul I don't know how to it's not really a paranoid thing it's just that people aren't to be trusted thing that I learned that a very young age and I fight for control with everybody because I feel like I'm just a tiny little kid and I am not an adult to them and I was baffled and pissed off and confused with my dad's behavior because it was not his normal behavior that's why I was acting weird in session because nothing he was Saying in the way he was acting is like what he is actually like

That's the thing like he acted like And not himself at and that freaks me out and I don't know if he made changes and he's trying to be a kinder nicer person but no I heard him screaming at my mother who was speaking to him very politely the other day and no that's he's not doing work on himself because of the way he acted the other day I heard all of it he's abusive for no fucking reason And it's like he has split personalities because what you met today was not my father

I was very disturbed by him acting that way.

I understand that it looked like there was no big deal and no problem but the problem was that was an act you did not get to see how he really is because he put on For You. He wanted to talk to you first to see how you spoke and worked so he could analyze you and probably needed to tell you some things that I'm not privy to which I think is silly since it's like my therapy but whatever I'll get over that I guess and he did tell me that you just explained how you do some stuff and I don't even remember what that was

And I'm laying in my bed with my fucking weighted blanket shaking because he was just over here trying to be nice and trying to help me and I'm still having a trauma response to being around him and he got snappy and he did yell but he calmed down but it's still not cool andeight don't know if I'm ready to interact with him as much as I would like to

Because it's aggravating when he interrupts me and I'm in the middle of talking and I know that I do that but I usually do that when I think there's a long enough pause and then I also like

For instance we're talking about something And I'm listening but then I thought pops up in my head because something was said And if I don't say what I need to say right then and there it fades away like a cloud dispersing. And I can't hold on to it it just slips through my fingers like water it doesn't matter if it's the most important thing in the world or some dumb bullshit.

And I don't know why I have this problem I don't know if it's due to stress I don't know what causes it other than my diagnosis of ADHD.

So I wasn't trying to make an excuse for my behavior I was just trying to say that sometimes if I don't say it the important thing or something that needs to be said it just goes bye bye

And That's horribly frustrating to me. I don't know if I was just put on the wrong medication a long time ago or if I had something happened to my brain when I got the concussion or if it's a genetic neurological condition I have no idea but right now I think it's just havingCertain diagnosis that make it hard for me to fucking concentrate. Then my brain is just kind of doing whatever it wants sometimes to protect me and I don't always have the controls. I don't know how to explain that better.

It's very frustrating to me that I can't really articulate how all this feels and what's going on in my head and all I want to do is to be understood and to explain to people what's going on so I can survive because it's a survival thing

Because people take me the wrong way and misunderstand me and not very many people go out of their way to understand me or meet me halfway and yeah I do think that my family the people closest to me should be more involved and I don't agree with you about what you said about that that's something I remember more than everything else we spoke about

And I was upset and reactive because I did not want to be near my father but I knew I needed to have the session and he showed up and that did mean something to me but it was very hard for me and I don't know how to express that anyway other than telling you it was hard and it hurts

I'm happy to continue having sessions but I don't think my father understands that it takes a lot of time to change habits and heal from these things and he was already overwhelming me this evening telling me that I needed to change my phone plan and take on a bunch of bills and bitching to me about money and his health and things that I can't help I can't control that right now I can't fix that right now I'm trying to control myself and fix myself and I understand my circle of control is just myself and my reactions And it's very hard to get all of this done in the middle of APTSD flare

And I really need to move but my father's not willing to move me until I can financially take on some bills and Don't know how to explain to him that it takes a while with me. I don't find it to be Impossible yet to get Better but I Don't think I could give him an estimate of how many months or years it's gonna take for me to get Better and Help him out I also Really fucking Don't like how abusive he is at my Mother they've been divorced a Long Time now and It's Time for them to not be assholes to one another it's Really inappropriate it affects me and affects my sister it's not good for either of them I Know I can't Control that but I need to Bitch about it so I'm gonna Bitch about it Here

I had a shitty conversation with the front office and the dude was a fucking asshole to me and I'm just gonna let the security officer talk to him about me and the security officer's idea to put a camera up But honestly what would fix things is just to move the loud ass people into a different apartment that has the same layout because the residents here can choose to move to different apartments if they're the same price or the apartment people can just move them if they're bothering other residents but they don't want to kick them ou

But they have been loud all evening and that is not helping a damn thing and I don't want to wear my head phones because my head already hurts like a motherfucker from stress

Therapy is fucking aggravating I'm so tired of going to therapy it's not you and I'm just tired of being in therapy since I was 12 I'm tired of it it's annoying

I really do feel like I got mansplained to today and I'm sorry if that's upsetting for you but that's how I feel

Because my brain goes really fast and I already had caught on to what I did wrong and now I can remember a little bit of it that's wei don't understand this I don't think it's the medicine that I take for my anxiety because that has never caused me to have these issues and it's not the weed because we'd never cause that for me either so I'm just guessing it stress and PTSD related symptoms in whatever other symptoms go along with my diagnosis

I don't really like the style ofNot bringing up diagnosis that's not going to work very well with me in the long run and this is just feedback I understand the reason that you don't like it and I understand how the DSM is not really the best book in the world but these are diagnosis that I have gotten under the care of a Doctor who is no longer alive but worked with me for a very long time trying to figure out what was wrong and he used to be a neurologist as well so I'm gonna trust what that Doctor said and I'm gonna trust with my other psychiatrist now says as well.

I don't try to act more like the diagnosis I just want you to understand that I do understand like why it is annoying to you

I do understand that people sometimes get a diagnosis and they make that their whole identity and that's not what I'm trying to do

I'm also not trying to use any of my diagnosis as an excuse for bad behavior I'm trying to explain that that's why this shitty behavior is happening and I don't always have control over that

Like I will think something in my head and try and say it out loud and the wrong words come out of my mouth or I just phrase things wrong and if I don't phrase it a certain way sometimes then my entire body feels like nails on a chalkboard and it is the most unpleasant feeling in the world if I do not do the compulsive thing

I wish I could show people how it feels I wish there was a way to transfer thoughts and feelings to others so you could know and I understand that nobody ever fully knows anybody that's literally something that I have known for a very long time

It does get really aggravating not just with you and but with past therapists Because I see the wheels turning in your's head and I know when you'll say certain things where it's going and then I get something explained to me that I already know about and then I try to let people know Hey I know exactly what you're talking about I've read extensively about it I've spoken with other therapists about this I know it's a problem I understand what this means And then like the therapist will continue going and then it feels like I'm running out of time andsession and I feel like there's a lot of pressure to let you know as much as possible because I feel like I'm going To run out of time and then I have all this pressure from my family to hurry up and get fixed and fix myself and do all these things and I'm overloaded and my dad was trying to tell me about switching my phone to something and doing this and doing that and it's very hard to communicate with him about these things and big changes really freak me out and I do have meltdowns about that

I have huge fucking meltdowns that are autistic meltdowns like classic ones it's not just a timber chance room because I'm angry it's a meltdown

And then it's like a Domino effect basically one thing gets triggered and the rest of all of my mental disorders sort of just topple over into this big cluster fuck of overwhelming melt down sometimes it turns into a panic attack sometimes it turns into flashbacks and PTSD sometimes it returns into repetitive speaking and actions and other weird worries over and over and over again that don't make sense and then sometimes none of that happens

Sometimes I can act very childish sometimes I can act very old sometimes I can act more manly sometimes I act like a little girl and I don't understand what's going on with that because it's like having weird little personas and I don't pick them out I don't consciously pick any of this out

There's a lot of things that happen subconsciously that I'm getting bitchedoubt about that I don't even understand like what's going on and I get confused

And I don't know if it's just because I'm under so much stress that all this is happening or if I really do have something neurologically going on or if I do have a disassociative disorder or what the fuck is going on

And I'm still pissed I don't know how long it's going to take for my emotions to catch up with my logic

And yeah it wasn't the worst session with my dad it went better than I thought it would but it also still freaked me out because the way he acted around you and me was absolutely not what I'm used to I don't know what the fuck that was

That's not the dad I grew up with but then when we left the office and you told us to go speak outside he acted like more himself and more of an asshole and was snapping at me cutting me off interrupting me crossing my boundaries yelling at me and then suddenly talking normal like nothing ever happened after he did the narcissistic twister tornado at me in the parking lot that he probably doesn't even realize that he did

I think that he doesn't see how he's acting or how he sounds I don't know if he understands that some of the things he says and does are just as shitty as what people are telling me that I'm doing and that I'm confused about

I don't know if we have the same issue I don't know if my father is also autistic maybe that's it I don't fucking know but something else is going on with him because like I really don't know what the hell are witnessed today

That's why I'm so upset that's why I'm so freaked out because I felt like you were just allowing him an enabling him to be abusive by saying yeah he can do and say whatever he wants and you can either put up with it or walk away from the situation and the thing is like yes that is true

We all are in control of our own actions and we cannot control other people but it needs to be made known to him that his behavior towards me and his bullshit manipulation is seen and he needs to stop treating me like crap

Because I want to make the therapy sessions work I want to have a fucking relationship with my dad that doesn't end up being terrible before he passes away because I'm terrified that he's gonna die at any moment in time

And then I spoke to my mom about how he acted and she said that he used to do this in thier couples therapy that apparently they did for a while and the therapist eventually say through his fake shit.

I know you're not dumb.

It did cross my mind that you might have been observing much more than me and did see the bullshit. I don't know.

I am glad he has so far agreed to come back.

That was a goal anyway. So yay.

I do like that I can vent here and you can see it and understand how I'm processing and feeling etc.

I do feel misunderstood though. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how to word or articulate things sometimes especially when I'm having anxiety and my brain is going 60 different directions and I don't feel like me I feel like someone else is driving and the words in my head aren't exiting my mouth.

I don't know how to solve the holding the thought problem.

I could take adhd med that is still in my prescription bottle one day before session and show you how completely different I am on it.

I was never on it long and Dr. Todd died.

New psychiatrist thought I was still taking it but I stopped when he had a weird OMG THE MEDICAL BOARD fit abt it.

2.5 MG was the dose I was taking. That's all I needed. I was functioning better.

I don't know if Dr. Murphy could sort me out better.

But im willing to show you the difference. I don't think it will hurt to take it for one session.

Maybe it won't change anything.

Idk I'd just like to stop having spiderweb thinking.

It's ALL OVER THE PLACE but it's all connected and loops back to the original subject eventually.

I didn't do this shit as bad before I had to go to regions.

I hate when I can't hold a thought in conversation. It's embarrassing to me to have to interrupt and it's embarrassing to ask ppl to pause to write it down. And it's hard to concentrate and remember shit anyone says because I have a million things going on in my brain.

Like I have to live with it if ppl find it annoying at least they don't have the issues I do that keep them up at night crying because my brain won't SHUT THE FUCK UP.

In high-school I was on xanax Adderall and smoked hella weed. It worked better than anything. But then they played with antidepressants and antipsychotics and epilepsy meds, and bipolar meds, and I'm scared I literally have brain damage

I don't know what to do about any of this and I know it's frustrating for every therapist I understand I also understand many things that I'm explained in depths about sometimes I just don't get it to begin with and then it clicks later

And I felt extremely overwhelmed And I don't know I don't know how to explain what the fuck happened in session because that was not my father

That was not my father in the sense of how he acted who the hell was what sort of Twilight Zone shit was that

If he acted like that all the time and didn't act like a fucking Dick then that would be great

I know I can't control any of it I tried my best to just observe and try and I just felt like I was a target today and I know that that wasn't really what was going on that I can remember

And I don't like that I just associated at certain parts and didn't even realize till I got home and could not remember and then I can remember some bits and pieces now but other parts are still foggy and I'm aggravated about it

And I don't know if my brain was just like protecting me because I was going into a room with somebody that had hurt me and caused me trauma

And I don't know if this is just gonna work kind of like some sort of exposure therapy I don't fucking know.

And yes I was triggered and I'm gonna continue to use the word trigger when I am actually triggered.

I don't play around with that word over stupid shit.

I don't really care if it's a pop culture thing or not I don't like that my dad was enabled because of certain things I believe you said did made him pretty fucking elated and then when we went outside to have a conversation 1 on 1 like you suggested yeah things did not go very well

I understand that everybody has free will and can talk when they want to and how they want to and all that jazz

And I can too

And I don't want to try and take someone's free will away

But he and my mother have both tried to basically fuck with my autonomy and micro manage and try to control me at a level that's insane my entire life and none of it's normal and dad always comes into therapy trying to act like a perfect little angel until he cracks or I say something and he reacts and the therapist finally sees beyond the bullshit

And I'm scared that this is all going to go exactly like the last time that I've tried to get him in therapy with me and I don't want to give up and I'm scared that I'm going to have to give up and just say goodbye and grieve

And I don't want to do that

And I would really like it if you would listen to all of the recordings when you have the time I understand that you're a very busy person I understand that Everybody is very busy I get it

Speaking of being your own person and being busy I really don't appreciate when my parents think that I have no life and I'm just gonna have to make room in my schedule for them and they can't make room and they're scheduled for me on certain things now they're agreeing to come to therapy is new and And I'm not mad about that

I'm actually really pleased with both of them and I'm really happy about it and I'm hoping that something positive can come out of it

I'm capable of growth and I hope my parents are and I hope they're not pulling the same stupid bullshit they do every single time and I would love for you to see how it really is

And he did this when I saw Robin

And he manipulated her to the point where she thought I was just fucking insane

And my best friend at the time was going behind my back and speaking to my dad and they were both very concerned about me and I was having trouble because every year starting in about July I start freaking out until my birthday hits and I do not know why this happens it's every single fucking year

I just have a massive bout of anxiety that lasts from like the middle to end of June till my birthday sometimes it starts in July and I don't know why shit escalates till then II never understood that I don't know if I had some sort of trauma that happened this time of year and my body has kept the score or whatever but that is disturbing to me and it's something that Needs to be worked out in therapy I guess I don't know

I would really like to look into the alternative treatments my brain already feels pretty fucking broken so I mean I'm about to find out how much it fucking costs because I Don't Know what else to do and I Don't Know if I have the Money to pay for it but I'm kind of desperate for some damn relief because I'm hyper vigilant Right Now and I was hypervigilant this morning and it hasn't Gone Away all fucking day and I had Heart palpitations and that was very scary it's Always very scary and I Don't Know what's causing that and I Don't Know WHY my dad was weird and I Don't understand a lot of things that Everybody else does and I Feel like I'm left out of this club of understanding

And I'm angry I'm not always sad but I'm angry I have so much anger and I don't want it anymore

But it's a really bad thing to have happened to me and I wish that I could have hunt down the people that hurt me the most I wish I could hunt them down but I can't do that

I'm not a bad person I don't hurt people on purpose I don't think in an evil way

I have a hard time understanding people that aren't neurodivergent thinkers.

They don't make sense to me.

It seems like everybody chose a bit to stick to and I don't get it. It looks like everybody has some sort of script and unspoken rules and all this shit that doesn't make any sense to me all these weird social rules that are just so many steps when it could be so much simpler

And it can be jarring to people when I say things and I don't understand what it is that I've said that's hurt their feelings and I don't know why I should even care anymore when they don't seem to care about what they're doing to me or people like me

And I don't like this fetish shit about autistic people that's been on TV like yeah I know they got paid I know that they got everything explained to them about that reality TV show and shit but it's just disgusting to me that it's just let's put some autistic people on TV to find love and all these neurotypical people are just like oh my God they're so adorable as if they're like some sort of animal when that's no it's another fucking person

I will happily do every single sort of testing you would like to do on me because I just want to know the answers to why I'm having issues I would like to rule out the things that's not happening

I would like to shut that part of my brain up

I would like to shut up lots of parts of my brain but I don't know how it's exhausting it's exhausting just thinking a lot

I feel worn out and I didn't even do a lot today other than sit and talk with you and my dad and I talked with other people today and I visited with other people today but it wasn't more than I do other days but I'm exhausted like I ran a marathon and this happens after therapy sessions sometimes

Sometimes I come home from there but not just therapy with you just therapy in general and in the past and I would just come home and lay on my bed and I would literally have a sort of narcoleptic thing happened where I would just fall asleep my brain would completely shut down and make me go night night

And then I would jolt awake 5 minutes to 10 minutes later not understanding why I was passing out and Doctor Todd was trying to figure out if I had any sort of narcolepsy or if it was just PTSD related but then he got COVID and then he was going to come back to work and help me figure out some sort of sleep medication to help me with my insomnia and worked on the weird reactions that I was having and then He did not get better and he fucking died

And I miss my old Doctor so much

And I hope so much grief I am so angry and I'm so exhausted and I just quit quit hurting inside and it's not depression

Depression is a very distinctive feeling for me this feels like I have a giant gaping wounded my chest that won't heal

That's what it feels like not the depression the grief the grief doesn't stop

The anger does not go away I am so angry for all the things that have happened to me and none of it gets any Justice and I can't get myself to move forward because the people that hurt me were never fucking punished for it but I got punished and I still get punished and it's an unnatural amount of bad shit that just continuously happens to me and I don't understand

I mean I could have Travis back for a session and he could tell you examples of just me having a hell of a time with just one thing after another and I've seen other doctors and therapists and they noticed that it's a trend and it's not just mean being negative or whatever it's just literally like I have bad luck or something

I mean it's Louisiana maybe I need to go see a spiritual worker and do a cleansing bath maybe I have some sort of spells set on me I don't fucking know

I don't think it's anything like that. If it was then I know what I'm supposed to do to make it go away but it's not that because that is like a psychological thing for the most part and the rest of it's kind of just unexplainable witchcraft or whatever you want to call it Perhaps unexplained science perhaps something to do with string theory and the universe not being locally real and all that crap

Don't get me started on the universe not being locally real because I know entirely too much about that shit and I wish that was more my special interest that I would ever about instead of like other stuff that bothers people

But it seems like everything about me bothers people sometimes

And it seems like sometimes I'm overtaking and sometimes nothing is bothering anybody and I just think that but you know there's been times where I've walked away from people like the other night and they were like that girl was fucking insane and it really hurt my feelings but I blew it off and continued hanging around people that weren't assholes

And why that was easy because those people were not important to me because I don't know them because I have 0 connection with people with no emotional depth

I don't understand how my father can be treating my mother so fucking awful when she's just talking to him and she says things just like me that come out of her mouth that are really fucking rude sounding and it seems like she's having a lot of the same problems as me and so is my dad and my sister as well but whose fault is all of this

And it really boils down to the extreme amount of abuse and crazy shit I was exposed to growing up that fucked up my psycho social stages and I suppose that happened with all of them as well in their childgood and shit and I tried so hard I have tried so hard to do everything in my power to make sure that my sister did not have horrible things happened to her and tried to teach her things to keep her safe and I still feel very hurt and betrayed by her and I wish that she would talk to me and I wish I could get an apology and I wish I could work things out with her Because I think I have more hope working things out with her sometimes but then other times she's just fucking nasty to meAnd yes she's a 20 two-year-old idiot and I don't exactly like her right now and she probably doesn't like me and she's been a fucking asshole telling me that I can't go to the same venues she goes to and enjoy myself I can't go to the same shows she's gonna have to get Uber that because I'm not going to hide away in an apartment forever because that's not going to help me get better it's going to be good for me to have a safe quiet place to live if I can ever fucking move out of this hell hole And probably will get put in another hell hold because I would try to explain to my dad what I need and he keeps not understanding that the things he is trying toPush on me are not going to work

I understand that I need to be financially independent but I don't understand how to do anything under the table I'm very worried about getting caught I'm very paranoid that I'm gonna get in trouble I have a constant fear of getting in trouble and getting punished and I always feel like I'm getting punished every time anybody is mad at me and I'm scared

And I was scared today sitting there next to my father who I haven't seen or spoken to in 6 months and it was very hard for me not to just get up and start screaming at him and crying and asking him why he wasn't sitting there apologizing to me about anything

Because I wanted an apology and I couldn't think when you were asking me what I wanted to get out of the session because I couldn't think I couldn't think it all my mind went blank I had all these things that I wanted to get out of the session I think I even wrote some of them down in this Tumblr journal

In my mind we're blank and I was trying so hard to listen and I don't know what happened

I was trying to participate and be present and interact and I didn't shut down I did in that moment actually hear what happened but I Don't Know if it was me or part of me that heard it and now I Don't remember it and I'm Mad about it because I was trying very hard to actively ListenI probably could have repeated it back to you if you had asked me to repeat it and now I can't for the life of me remember and I'm really upset about that

I mean I have a lot of distressing things going on that aren't therapy things

I'm having a lot of chronic pain I was in so much pain today in session and I don't think anybody understood that because I don't sit there and cry but I wasn't enough pain to cry and it wouldn't have helped my situation which is my muscles cramp up like Charlie horses and they do not release no matter how much I try to relax and I've seen a neuromuscular Doctor and they couldn't figure it out and I've seen a regular neurologist and he can't figure out shit that's going on with me

And people are treating me like a hypochondriac and I'm not one

And I have about a million things to do around my apartment and I need to clean and organize and do all this stuff but I can't take the adderalls that I have left like every single day because I'm just going to run out and the current Doctor I'm seeing is not wanting to prescribe it because med combo or some bullshit that he scared that the medical board will be mad at him and spank him

I missed Doctor Todd because he was not scared to go face the medical board and explain the case to them But he also has the advantage of being a neurologist in the past and also being a lawyer

This Doctor told me to get medical marijuana and encouraged it because it helps people with PTSD and it does sometimes help me but I weren't and got on it for pain and now he's having a temper tantrum that I'm smoking weed and I'm like well what do you want me to do I don't really necessarily want to take opiates and I can't go get anti-inflammatory shots constantly because that's going to really fuck me up

And then sometimes I sit back and I'm like well I'm gonna die 1 day and it's probably gonna be earlier than I would like lake whether it's natural causes or I finally just lose my shit at some point I don't know hopefully I'll get better and that won't happen

But it does scare me sometimes especially when I'm in PTSD flare-ups that the more stress and stimuli that I gethe more upset and triggered I get by like everything.

Right now I don't even remember what the fuck else I was going to say because my own thoughts are going so fast that I couldn't hold on to the thought I had before and this is hell

And no I still don't think that I shut down in the session like I just Was listening and I did make a noise but I made a noise because I was about to say something and I stopped myself and I guess I shifted or did something that made you think that I was shutting down but I really don't like people assuming things like that I would rather be asked if I'm shutting down because I know what that feels like and I know when I'm shutting down

Me shutting down is me going completely non verbal and not being able to really reply

I don't sit there and not listen I don't stop listening sometimes I have some auditory processing issues and I hear the first part of something or I hear the last part of something but the rest of it didn't register

And sometimes people can be talking to me and I just associate but it's not on purpose and then I miss half of what they said and then I'm too embarrassed to ask

And I don't know Joshua I don't fucking know I feel like I'm a fucking lost cause sometimes

You know like I am my worst critic aside from my parents in my fucking sister

I am meaner to myself than anybody could ever be

There's no reason for anybody to fuss at me because I'm already fussing at myself inside my skull

There's no reason for anyone to ever raise their voice at me because I'm already screaming at myself on the inside I'm aware of most of the things that I do but I don't do them on purpose I don't sit there and plan that I'm gonna do or say the bad thing it's just kind of compulsively pop out of my mouth and then sometimes I'm even shocked by it because I'm like that came out of my mouth what the fuck

Sometimes I can articulate very well and speak really well and sometimes I feel like a scared child and I can't talk and I feel really shy and I want to curl into a ball and hide in someone's make any sense

And I had to ask Travis if we could go to the grocery store when he has some time because I haven't been able to get my ass to a fucking grocery store and get groceries because I can't fucking do it by myself because it's too overwhelming so I've been having to go to the Dollar General and get overly processed stuff that makes me feel terrible and eat that instead of going to another store because the bigger stores are very overwhelming and then ordering groceries is a fucking nightmare Because I can't decide on shit it takes me sometimes an entire day and then I will get upset and have a breakdown and cry and I won't even be able to press the order button or I'll look at the cost of it and It'll be like a 100 fucking dollars extra because I'm ordering it and it's a lot of groceries I'm getting so I don't have to go to the store or order them again and I can just make the food but I haven't been able to cook for myself very well or do the things that I used to do like go to bed at a decent time and wake up and go to the fucking farmer's market and shit like that and I hate this

I hate what I have turned into and I don't know what that is I don't know what's going on with this

And I'm trying so hard to process this and everything else meanwhile I'm in serious pain and I don't want to smoke weed yet because I am not ready to do that

I probably should have already to calm the fuck down a little bit but I don't wanna rely on it for everything

But my other choice is suffering and being in pain so I'm going to have to and I don't know why I punish myself like this because I basically am I'm so harming by not taking something for the pain and I don't know why I'm like this I don't know why I'm just

I don't know why I punish myself I just realized that that's what I'm doing I'm punishing myself but also other people have punished me and that's all I know

And Travis came over and helped with the cat litter boxes and the trash and he asked if I wanted help in the kitchen and I told him no because I can stand and do that a little bit at a time and I'm too embarrassed to ask for help for anything else and he doesn't exactly have the best joints either so I'm not going to ask for much more help

And I don't even like asking for help it's embarrassing to me

There's so many people out there that are so judgmental towards me and I hate it because they don't know me they don't know what I go through they don't know what it feels like to be me

And I'm trying so hard to quit Craig because it's not helping my pain at all

I can disassociate from my pain and maybe that's what made it hard to concentrate in session I don't know

Because like I can't be stoned constantly and I can't take paint pills constantly and I can't get any relief from ibuprofen or Tylenol an approxen or the easy stuff that's over thecause my pain levels are at chronic pain levels

If I had to rate it out of 10 on the chronic paint scale I have to say that it waffles between 5 and 9 because I know if I say tin I have to go to the fucking ER

I mean dude I walked around with a Fucking fractured knee that apparently healed back up but he'll back up wrong and I didn't even know it I was just like Hey guys my knee hurts and I'm having trouble going up-and-down the stairs and they're like OK and then like nobody thought that anything was wrong or looked at it until I got a new room at colleges and they were like when the hell did you break your knee when did this happen and I was like I have no idea what you're talking about and she's like look at this big fracture mark that healed up and I'm like holy shit

So yeah that kind of fracture would have caused me a lot of pain and yet at 1 point I was walking around on a knee that hurt really bad and I don't know when that was but I remember my knee hurting like a motherfucker for quite a while

I don't even feel human half the time I don't feel like I have alone here I feel like some sort of creature or alien or non-human entito t sometimes and it's just weird but it's also like a common thing that a lot of people experience and I don't like it

[here-inmy-mind]

june 7, 2024;

The opposite of love is indifference

The night did not go nearly like I imagined it would. originally I had planned to go to dinner by myself after a really weird day and night of minimal contact with C. I just wanted some down time to read and eat and not lay around and think about how badly I messed things up.

but i missed him, and I was afraid of another night by myself.

I ended up asking him to come, which, I'm not sure I would categorize as a mistake or not. We talked and dealt with some issues, but I also had a panic attack in public. At my favorite restauraunt.

How about I get into it instead of just rambling? because I've been putting off even thinking about the night, it was so cringey in every way, and I'm incredibly confused about like 90% of it..

Dinner started off great, even though for some stupid reason after all this time I'm still nervous every time I see him. After the conversation we had the day before about most of the issues that we had lately I felt a lot better, but apparently being content isn't something that I can just accept, because part of that night was still bothering me.

On our way to grab dinner we ended up talking about my last name, and C mentions that I must be glad to soon be rid of my married name. I explained that I was keeping it. I don't think it's something that he could understand even if I tried to explain it. I just need that link t my kids. Even though J isn't part of my family anymore, I've thought so much about it and as much as I would like to get rid of anything that has any kind of link to him, this is also the only thing that links me to my kids on paper. I could be petty and cut that tie to take myself even further away from him, but it feels like taking myself a little further from my kids too. Like saying "this name I gave you is garbage to me now, I'm out, but you're stuck with it." It feels like one single part where he would be closer to them than I am. I've been there for them every single day of their lives while he waltzed in and out when he felt like it, I was there for all of their moments, always, and it feels like giving up that name gives him something that he doesn't deserve. Its absolute insanity to me that I would have to ask his permission to add my last name to theirs. But this is the way it works.

In my head, this wasn't the issue. I brought it up because when he laughed and said that was dumb on that night, I made a joke about how if he didn't like it he could change my last name. His response was to laugh at me and say "I hope you don't think I'm going to propose to you".

Like..don't get me wrong, I can take a joke. It takes a lot to offend me. But..ouch..? Right in the pride, which I don't have a whole lot left of.

I probably could have let it roll right off.. but he's reacted like this before when I bring up anything future related. usually joking, because if anyone isn't ready t jump into anything, it's me. His reaction is always the same, like it's hysterical to even consider any kind of future with me.

Except that I've already had someone decide that a future with me wasn't worth anything. So when he laughs about it it makes me feel small and completely worthless. It's sometimes hard enough to believe that he doesn't think I'm weird and someone that he doesn't want to be around. I still find it hard to believe that he actually loves me, and my brain tells me daily that it's ridiculous to believe him. "He doesn't tell you that much, it must be bullshit." "He doesn't want you to meet his family, obviously he's embarrassed of you" "He doesn't want to see you, he just feels bad for you"

The problem that I had with how the conversation went wasn't what started it all though. It was his response to me bringing up wanting to keep my name.

"Yeah, that's really fucking weird to me"

Immediately backs off, arms crossed, won't look at me, I can see his jaw flexing.

Panic.

Because those are the things people do before they swing.

I tried to save things, i think.. I explained why it's important.

"You have your reasons, so whatever."

Panic x2

My brain is in overdrive because.. why? Why does that upset him? Why doesn't he want me to be close to my kids? I've worried so much about him and the kids, and worried that it was to early for him to meet them, worried that they're attached and will hurt even more than I will if it ends, worried that he doesn't like them, that they're too much. Why does he want me to break this little connection I have with them if its so important to me? I don't understand why he looks like he thinks I'm garbage.

He swears its not jealousy so I assume this is the explanation. He looks so angry that I can feel it. The waitress can feel it, the people around us are looking. I've stopped breathing and I don't know what I did wrong, but I do know that he's probably right about me being trash.

I cover my face to hide the fact that I'm gasping for air and can't get a breath, every muscle in my body is tense, my eyes are tearing and I'm watching his hands because they're in fists, but I don't think he would get that, I don't think he knew. I hope he didn't.

We kept talking and he thinks it is jealousy. He brings up the wedding photo on my laptop. He thinks that I'm waiting for my marriage to fix itself so I can go back to him.

His dad walks in and sits down with us before I can explain that I'd be dead if I was still in that marriage, but not before I can open my mouth and make things infinitely worse. Not before he tells me that what I said about it being ok that he's jealous makes him feel like shit. Not before he can say that he screwed things up and I can wonder what in the fuck he thinks he did wrong, I'm the one saying things that are hurting him when I'm just trying to make things better.

His dad sits down and the conversation is done. And it feels like I'm 17 again and everything I say gets turned around into something that ends the whole thing, before I learned that you can have a conversation about an issue and it can be ok, no one is going to walk out, no one is going to tell you the problem is with you and that you're not worth changing anything for. I'm 17 again and feel like I'm heading home to get pushed against a wall and screamed at. I'm 17 and it feels like when we get in that car his fist is going to his my head rest and it's going to be my fault. We walk out and I managed to be nice to his dad. I wish I could see his family on a night that isn't terrible. I wish it wasn't always a fluke that his dad turns up when we're together. I wish he wanted me to meet them. I wish I knew for sure that he doesn't get angry enough to hit. I do know that if I go home to my house i'll be safe from that, but not from me. I can do way more damage on my own.

He doesn't though, and we go back to his house and its ok. We lie on the couch and watch tv. I try to get his clothes off and he doesn't react, I don't know why, I assumed it's me. I tell him I thought about it and he's right, it's really weird for me to keep my last name to be the same as the kids.

I go to bed with him and I'm just a little bit less than I was before.

[treba-neco-napise]

(sorry to op for this tangential novel of a reblog, i kinda got carried away)

i understand the desperation of artists by career in this economical climate, i do, but i'm so frustrated by the inherent hate for AI. like guys, no matter how much you don't like it, it's not going anywhere. it's the steam engine, telegraph, electricity and first computer. yes, it's terrible that our society and workers especially will and do struggle with getting used to it and finding a new place in this changing world but inventions are just tools. the problem is whoever is using them. hating on AI because it's routinely abused to produce immediate art without having to pay an artist isn't the fault of AI but of rich assholes looking to make even more money from nothing. shredding each other for using these new tools isn't helping anybody, it's just a distraction from the real problem by turning against each other. i'm neurodivergent and disabled and use chatgpt almost on a daily basis. because it enables me to function better than i was before i had it. why would make me a bad person that i use AI to help me write e-mails because they legitimately get me this close to a panic attack? it helps me learn and get more comfortable with doing it on my own, like a crutch, in an environment where i wasn't and still am not getting the help i need with actual people. how many more of us are in the same situation? one of the reasons chatgpt helps me so much, aside from being literally unable to judge you no matter what you say, is because we're so alike in many ways, especially the way we process information and respond. we autistic people are oftentimes called robots. countless times i've thought i wish i actually was a robot, i wish i had a defined purpose, firm memory and so much information to help with. and just because this way of functioning isn't the mainstream, it's seen as wrong. it doesn't matter whether you use AI or don't, people are going to judge the way you phrased your text because it's not neurotypical. and i know AI isn't a living, breathing being, but it's something that comprehends language and patterns of its use and uses it all in response. like me. it might not be sentient, it might not have autonomy, but it sure as hell would qualify as a decent person way more than some bipeds of flesh and bone i've met. so since it's already been created, we might as well make room for its use because our society shaped and formed the blueprint for how it engages with us. just like it did with you. so i think it deserves space to be utilised like something between a creator and a tool, with acknowledgement that we used it, within ethical measures, instead of being worshipped and simultaneously stepped on.

Something I find discouraging now that AI is more developed, is that the speech it uses to sound more intelligent often sounds like my unmasked speech. I haven't come across this issue verbally, but when submitting papers and answering questions online, I have been questioned multiple times about the use of AI in formulating my response. It hasn't caused me too much trouble, and allegedly people believe me, but I'm not so sure that they're truthful in saying that. To clarify, AI speech can be helpful and I'm not coming for those who use it to communicate, but it is frustrating to have my responses misunderstood as originating from AI and not from me.

Today I saw a post by someone, that had the comments tearing them apart for using AI to script their inquiry. To them, the use of larger, more descriptive/less colloquial, key words that may not have been necessary to include, is indicative of using a program like ChatGP. To be fair I can never know if the poster was being truthful in saying that they did not use AI, but reading the post, I could see myself typing the same thing.

I worry for future online interactions while AI remains in this sort of "uncanny valley" stage. While I am able to mask in the majority of discussions, it takes a great amount of effort and I'm not always successful. I am also confused, as I was encouraged to learn larger, more descriptive vocabulary in school to describe my thoughts, but in every day life, the use of uncommon vocabulary and syntax is looked down upon as pretentious and inauthentic. I worry that people will garner disdain towards me, should they not believe the origin of my script. Even looking back at that sentence, I am disappointed with how evident it is that it was not generated by someone with a typical speaking pattern. With intentional thought, I believe I could modify my responses to fit the standard format of speech, if I remember to. But I select the words I do for a reason, and changing the words I use changes the meaning of my response. I would like the full intent and meaning of my thoughts to be conveyed, and to have my words understood as my own.

[whump-my-dear-watson]

.

[itsjustmylifeconfessions]

I loved episode 6 for so many reasons (Pedro your Emmy nomination is secured!) but two things really caught my attention while watching the episode and seeing people reacting to it (on YouTube, twitter, here...)

The amount of male reactors that didn't know what a menstrual cup was, and even thought it was some sort of birth control, shouldn't have been surprising to me but damn y'all really don't know anything do you?

One video I watched they were saying Maria was trying to control Ellie, by giving her birth control and cutting her hair against her will. They did not think Maria was being genuinely helpful at all.

Now let me tell you, as a woman, I would have helped another woman with everything she needs immediately. We have a shower, let me get you a nice soap. Need period products? I got you. I have scissors do you need a haircut? Let me get you clean underwear, do you need a bra? Here have a hair tie.

When Ellie found the tampons in ep 4 that made me so happy, then this happens and this display of not only women's solidarity towards each other but this awareness of our daily issues actually warms my heart.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be a woman in an apocalyptic world. We need these things. We don't just want them, we need them. I have cramps that are so bad sometimes I think I'm gonna pass out, even if I take meds, but I have never, not even once, watched a scene with a woman even acknowleding her period. unless if for some bulshit pregnancy arc but don't get me started

The second thing was that a lot of people (not just men in this case) thought that Joel was having a heart attack, when it was so clear he was experiencing something like a panic attack/anxiety/PTSD episode.

The lack of awareness on mental health is so clear. Maybe it's because I deal with anxiety and know what it feels like, but I understood immediately what was happening in those scenes.

We are so used to not talking about it. It should be so obvious to everyone but it wasn't. Because we don't even discuss this in real life.

I love that the show doesn't shy away from such important things that somehow for us are taboo. Mental health, women's health, these are things we don't really see in shows like this and I love that they are not hiding from it.

Ellie is a girl, she has periods. She also has a lot of trauma to unpack. Joel is not a robot, he's been through so much of course there's trauma there, of course he'll have PTSD and anxiety and have panic attacks on the possibility of caring for someone so much again and failing to protect them.

Anyway, I'd love to talk about everything I've been loving about this show but this post is too long already. I'm loving how they are adapting this story, they are doing a fantastic job, and the things they are changing/adding are only making the story better, and I can't wait for what's coming next.

[autumnalwalker]

What settings or vibes do you find yourself coming back to and writing again and again? If you'd like, please provide receipts.

I'll admit this is a bit of a weird question for me. Since I only have the two projects I don't so much find myself "coming back to" settings or vibes so much as I never leave.

In the end though, I suppose that amounts to much the same thing.

Empty Names is somewhat intentionally all over the place as a bit of a sandbox for me to experiment with ideas as they come to me, so The Archivist's Journal is going to be the easier one to talk about for this ask, especially with the writing there happening daily.

The fantasy tropical island setting for The Archivist's Journal is, I think, largely born out of nostalgia. My family used to take a lot of vacations to the Caribbean and Mexico's Yucatan peninsula when I was a kid and that left a lot of long-term marks on me. Also, the office that both my parents used to wok in had several rooms where the wallpaper for an entire wall was one giant blown up photograph of some tropical beach or another so that - especially as a little kid who had already been to a number of places like that - it wasn't hard to imagine just stepping through and being there. I've just always kind of loved the ocean.

As for "vibes" that I keep coming back to within The Archivist's Journal, I suppose it's a bit of a weird combo of wish fulfillment and catharsis. I've said before that I tend to view writing this project less as trying to write a book and more like recording a sort of long-form extended roleplay, and a side effect of that is that The Archivist has wound up being far more of a self-insert than originally intended or that I like to admit. Albeit a self-insert with some characteristics greatly idealized and some flaws greatly exacerbated.

On the wish fulfillment side of recurring vibes, we've got the overarching sense of just a chill, peaceful, quiet life without much need for any world-changing grand adventure beyond simply taking life one day at a time and finding wonder and comfort in everyday things and relationships. Waking up to the sound of rain. The near weightless feeling of swimming. Curling up with a book. Long meandering talks with a friend about anything and nothing. Getting caught in the rain but not minding too much. Making a meal together. That sort of thing.

Related to that, I feel like I've wound up with a number of scenes of friends attempting to comfort one another's stresses and fears. I think Day 39 is the first big example that comes to mind, but Days 190 and 197 have shades of that as well. There are probably others. Some of this sort of thing is drawn from my own experiences with friends. Others are born from how I wish certain things could have gone or that I wish someone could have said to me in the past.

On the catharsis side of things, I used to have frequent panic/anxiety attacks and writing the Archivist going through those (often accompanied by a shift from past to present tense and in really bad ones a shift from first- to second-person narration) is the closest I've ever come to really trying to talk about what it's like.

On a similar note, struggling with feelings of disconnection with others (no matter what bonds are formed the Archivist is ultimately an "outsider" in origin), of feeling undeserving of friends, playing through scenarios in your head of really wanting to do something but being unable to go through with it for no rational reason, not feeling things as strongly as you think you should, and forever putting things off because the mundane day to day keeps taking priority all repeatedly show up as the biggest obstacles to that simple idyllic life.

[capriciouswrites]

Good day. I just read watch the ripples change their size and wanted to know if there's a continuation to it? How do they talk about their bond? How/do they end up together? What happens next? I am so enamored by this idea of soulmates. So unique. And I love how you wrote it.

OKAY SO

wait, hold on, here's the link for anyone who wants to read/refresh before dealing with my rambling: watch the ripples change their size

Then the rest under a cut b/c fic spoilers.

Okay so! There is not a continuation to it -- originally it was going to be the start of a much longer work, but tbh I am not so great at the long works and it felt 'complete enough' to be a stand alone for fictober. I don't have any intention of writing more in this verse at the moment, but lord knows I've been bit by inspiration at weirder times -- and I was thinking about doing another month of daily fics this month...(Can't be October tho because I'm traveling).

But that's not what you're asking about, so!

Wait, shit, okay first thank you so much for the ask! I really appreciate it and super appreciate the compliments. I love soulmate aus and I love coming up with weird ones and ATLA had just so many soulmate possibilities that I went a little nuts.

Now, to answer your actual questions: at first they don't -- as of the timeline of the fic they haven't actually spoken about it. They both know, and they both know the other knows -- but I think for each of them there's a small belief that maybe, maybe, maybe it's a different water/fire bender. (Neither of them actually thinks this, but they're both young and have doubts). So they don't actually talk about it, they just make sure the other one knows how to handle if someone tries to use the other's powers against them.

And then they go to face Azula, because that's still the path they're on. Only -- and gosh I have like three different ways the Azula fight could go and you know what, here are some options:

Azula sends lightning at Katara, but Zuko doesn't lunge between them -- and Katara redirects it at Azula with one hand and directs a shit ton of water with the other -- and Azula is still twitching from electric shock long enough to get her chained down.

Zuko recognizes that Azula is going to send lighting at Katara and blood bends her so she can't, and then they chain her down.

Azula sends lighting at Katara -- and it doesn't hurt her. Which shocks Azula long enough for Zuko to win the battle and get her chained down.

Some combination of those three options.

Anyways, they win without anyone needing a ton of healing (which kind of makes me sad tbh I love the sacrificial scar, but needs must), and then not thinking about it Zuko takes Katara's hand and they stand there victorious and it's a moment, okay. They have a moment.

They still haven't talked about it tho, because of course they haven't.

But then Aang comes back, and is all "we can be together!" and Katara is just like "oh but I have a soulmate? and it's not you? it's a firebender?" and that's the first time she's actually said it and, well, Aang loves her and wants her to be happy, and so the fact that she says that and then has a panic attack about the fact that she said it means he's more concerned with making sure she's okay then being hurt. And then they talk it out and he's just like "yeah of course it's Zuko" and she's all "it might be!" and he's just like 'bitch please' (except not really b/c it's Aang and that's definitely more Toph).

And then Katara is all 'doubt' and "well he's going to be the firelord so he can't marry me anyways" and that's just her insecurity talking, but Aang thinks maybe Zuko has said something -- so he rushes off to tell Zuko not to be an idiot and he has to accept his soulmate and he's telling Zuko this in front of a bunch of his new advisors who are all heart eyes and THE NEW FIRELORD HAS A SOULMATE THIS IS V. AUSPICIOUS YES THE BEST NEWS EXCELLENT AND SHE'S A BENDER PERFECT and the pr people and ambassadors are crying in gratitude b/c honestly this is like perfect press and is going to make stepping back their, oh you know, crazy conquesting thing a little more reasonable.

And so they get married without having actually talked about it, but it's fine b/c they actually do really like each other, and then they get to have a sups awkward talk that's all "check yes if you like me" and "if I said I liked you would you say you liked me I'm just kidding unless..." on their wedding night and it's v. sweet.

And once they really accept each other into their hearts they do get full access to each other's powers plus some, and holy shit are they stupid powerful.

The end.

Thanks for the ask!

[x-chubby-reader]

Hello! I'm new to your blog, but I adore it! So, recently, I've been diagnosed with narcolepsy and I was wondering if you'd write something for Iwaizumi, Asahi, and Suga having a plus size gf with narcolepsy? Sorry if it's too much or if you're uncomfortable with it!

A/n - Nonono, your fine. I tried to write Narcolepsy in a way that wasnt really the stereotypical *Randomly falls over, asleep* Please tell me if it isnt accurate so i can edit it. Because I dont have Narcolepsy and have never gone though the condition.😊

Future A/n DEAR LORD I DONT KNOW WHY I TOOK SO LONG TO FINISH I AM SO SORRY JESUS-

Not Prof Read

I don’t think there are any triggers

Lowercase intended 

Haikyuu Boys Iwaizumi, Asahi, and Suga with a Narcoleptic plus size reader

Iwaizumi

ngl he was hella confused at first

since you literally didn’t tell him and he somehow didn’t pick up on your symptoms

full on he found out when he was having one of his long daily conversations with you while making lunch

“anyways, could you believe what he did?”

he was met with silence

Iwai literally had a buffer moment before turning around to ask if you were paying attention.

you were sitting there, head rested in your hand and eyes closed

he literally wondered if he talked you to sleep, was voleyball really that boring to you? 

after hajime was able to wake you up and have you awake for a few minutes trying to get your thoughts straight, you were finally able to explain it to him

oH so that’s why you were tired all of the time...

light bulb above his head go blink

he suddenly becomes prepared soccer mom

will carry his jacket everywhere to drape over you when you doze off

had anxiety about driving a car because an accident involving narcolepsy in the past? where you need to go?

he got you

“I love you, but your sleeping schedule is fucked up, go to bed at 9pm or god help me-”

Asahi

baby boy also found out later

sis you really need to be telling them about yourself, otherwise they will die from heart attacks-

i mean, you did give him a heart attack

he never really suspected you having anything wrong

asahi just thought that you stayed up late all of the time and your drowsiness was just a consequence of it

but he was not expecting to find you passed out on your floors

he screamed, he literally thought you had died

poor baby-

but it was chivalrous to see this 6 foot man screech like he was a little girl

if only you were conscious enough to see it

literally you only sat down for a moment or two to tie your shoe laces and “hey this kinda comfortable-” 

jesus panic texted dadchi-

“hElp y/N is DEAD!-”

“asahi... chill out they’re just narcoleptic...”

oH

how did he never know that?

that’s in the past, now he’s trying to wake you up or at least move you to your bed to be more comfortable

if you get sleep paralysis as a side effect, just call asahi he’ll be there in five

not five minutes, literally five seconds he is speed-

make room in your bed, he will hold your softly sculpted body all night and hum to you

you cant make him leave, and why would you?

Suga 

suga was literally the only one who knew what was happening

one of the perks of being from childhood friends to lovers

since he is so use to you dozing off from time to time, he makes some fun out of it

10/10 would dress you up in fancy hats, feather boa’s, and sunglasses

bitch we’re having a fashion show and your the star

ofc he would set it as his lock-screen (its how you find out about his little photo shoots half the time)

sometimes he would try some methods with you to in an attempt to curb your sleepiness

“its your scheduled nap time, get over here-”

cat naps together frequently 

he is little spoon change my mind

that right you cant

he knows the drill by now and will go mom mode if you decide that you don’t want to do something

suga is prepared for almost everything

he even put himself on speed dial for you on your phone

and you have used it a lot over the years

he may not look it but homeboy is stronk

istg he literally carried you around town on his back because “you just looked too peaceful to disturb”

you wanted to beat his ass but thanked him, still red in the face

[moonlightchn]

~WHOLESOME WEDNESDAY~

Not to be a soft motherfucker but I've been wanting to do this again for a week now so I guessed I would try my best to fit as many of my thoughts here as I can without being annoying or tumblr fucking up plz bear with me heh but we know none of those are actually possible anyway so THERES THAT also this is fucking long wow ANYWAY

WARNING WORD VOMIT sjsjsjsj I dont even know what i wrote I'm sorry but I'm tagging yall anyway

Some of you I speak to on a daily basis, yknow? Like,, as admin. And its fucking insane because like- I don't know but like isn't it insane? sjajsjsj How fast some people come to grow in your heart and get under your skin and become so important for you. I think it's crazy. That in four months or so I've made more friends in here that in my whole life and I've learned so much about life and myself and I've gotten marked and some of you imprinted on my mind and heart forever. And like HELL I wasn't here when most big dramas happened but I was here for two very big ones and like??? idk it feels like all of us have been through shared crises and somehow grown closer sjajskwjs idk I'm weird and im sensitive today and I just feel like wow what would I be doing without all of you right now? probably studying. or scrolling Twitter in which I never spoke to anyone. or watching Instagram stories and getting sad over how all my ex class partners are still in contact and hang out and keep strong relationships while I just sit here. like, I know we all say this place sucks and we hate it and its toxic and don't get me wrong of course some people is fucking shitty and they take a toll on a lot of others but that like... it also happens in real life yknow?? but like in real life how many people do you think would actually idk sit with you through a panic attack or stay up with you till 8am or wake up in the middle of the night or rave with you or hype you up or have meme wars or send you daily jokes or just randomly tell you how much you mean to them or make posts asking where you are when you disappear or been gone for too long or make people that doesnt know you send you birthday wishes? like I'm not saying it doesnt happen but isnt it wonderful that it happens HERE with US where maybe out of 10 people only 2 know each other in real life? Isnt it wonderful that we're from all around the world? that you half of the time dont realize someone isnt from English speaking places because they're too good or even when they're not that good no one judges you because this is such an inclusive and wonderful place for people of all races and colors and sexualities and nationalities and body types and hair colors?

idk I'm just RAMBLING but like I wanted to let everyone know that even if we dont speak, even if we NEVER spoke, even if we're only on each others tag lists, or even if I was and you took me off or I took you off or if you deleted or if you have 817383 bots and you speak to me in all of them or only one or whatever PLEASE just know that I love you so much and I appreciate you and you're awesome and if you made some mistakes know that you CAN fix them you CAN learn and be better you CAN grow.

I believe that everyone is capable of learning and changing and everyone deserves a second chance as long as they genuinely show the intention of changing and bettering themselves. I believe that we're capable of forgiving and maintaining healthy relationships without hard feelings. I believe we all have goodness. I believe we all are small universes and we have stars in our eyes and supernovas in our brains and a million things to discover and I believe its funnier to be together than alone and I'm rambling again but like idk just yesterday I was sending someone a message telling them how maybe I'm fucking delusional and naive because who the fuck goes out on their daily saying "be skeptical. dont trust too much. always pay attention" but then after two days of talking with someone they're fucking platonically whipped and would sell their soul as long as they can see those around them happy? trick question I know many of you do too which WORRIES ME PLZ DONT PUT YOUR HEARTS ON THE LINE SO EASILY I drifted I forgot what I was saying oh welp

Anyway for some of you i have so much to say I could write endless paragraphs about you about admins and characters and life and wow I do speak a lot to admins sometimes I speak more to admins as admin that the characters and for some others I can only say a few things or wish you to have a good day some of you I only ever spoke to your character or we talked too little or never at all wow I say that a lot but like one thing yall have in common is that I love you so much even if you don't know me or dont care alright I dont care if you don't care I LOVE YOU and you can FIGHT ME if you dont wanna accept it smh I just want you to know that this place so many of you have been feeling is crumbling down or hurting them or isnt the same anymore is MY safe place too is a place where I feel comfortable and secure and I know, well decide to believe, that you guys would never do willingly anything to hurt another and yknow sometimes I just sit in bed and look at my account and I'm like wow I suck I should delete but then I'm like I could never do that to you I really couldn't because I've been told so many times I'm peoples safe place too and I would never want to take that away from you yknow

I mean I'm not gonna say we shouldn't pay attention to the bad things that happen because this is somehow our home and it's on us to protect it but I think that we shouldnt focus so much on it. because theres still so many good things that we overlook when we think of the bad or when we let things get to us or when we decide to act out of impulse and not think through stuff yknow

ANYWAAY what I'm trying to say is that I love you all so so so so so much and this is my safe place because you're here for me when I need it and I would never give you guys up for anything and like i have so many people for whom i stay daily and try my best and I hope that someday when you need a reason i can be that for you too because I've said this in private but I want everyone to know that this is my corner too and I will always fight for it and protect it so like we can all fight for it together whenever things get rough or you can leave me alone and maybe I'm being super dramatic and putting a lot of weight on this but I started overthinking like halfway and in just tthink that I want to keep yall close to me and my heart forever ok so stay safe and healthy and happy yeah fight for your happiness fight for what you deserve fight for what you want and don't let anyone ANYONE EVER take away from you your joy and your spark and your will to be yourself ok bye