#but i will never really forgive the show for just abandoning rowena in hell and walking away...

[mittensmorgul]

Hi! I know that a lot of people ship Sam and Rowena. However, my viewing experience did not warrant the ship. I am now trying to actively parse out why people see them coming together. Do you have any episode recommendations that are foundational to the relation between Sam and Rowena? In case, you feel that this ask may get nasty or start discourse, you need not post it! Thank you :')

Hi there! I've been frowning at this for a couple days, wondering how best to reply. First off, back in December 2019 (when I was EXTREMELY distressed with Rowena's apparent fate as Queen of Hell, and absolutely convinced that she had earned redemption by the narrative-- not even specifically via some relationship with Sam, but for HERSELF, that she didn't deserve to be trapped forever in Hell after literally sacrificing herself to save the world... I mean... Sam escaped that exact same fate, yes? He got out of the Cage. He wasn't doomed to rot in Hell for the rest of eternity for literally doing the exact same thing to stop the apocalypse...), I wrote an essay called The Witch and the Winchesters that was more about Rowena herself than about Samwitch as a ship. It's how I think of her as a character, first and foremost. And I don't know if it's possible to understand how I see their relationship (or the potential for their relationship) without understanding how I see HER. For herself.

As to the rest, specific episode recommendations that set up her relationship with Sam, those go back to s10, when she was working with Sam (rather against her will, especially once Sam chained her to the table) to save Dean from the Mark. I think the best example of their relationship being something more from that era was 10.19 The Werther Project. Because even though Rowena is there for a lot of that episode, we also learn she was not real. She was the hallucination Sam suffered under the influence of the Werther box. She was, in other words, what the spell latched on to in Sam with the intent to drive him toward his own death. For Dean, that spell-activated bit of himself was represented by Benny. Parallels! She had already taken up residence in Sam's psyche by this point, whether for good or ill. The show has transitioned her to Benny-for-Dean status, at least thematically.

Obviously 10.23 should be on this list. This was the parallel to all the Love At First Stab nonsense re: destiel. She literally... stabbed... her first love... For Sam. Not like she had a choice, but this was the point where they truly became enemies instead of just mutually interested slightly antagonistic acquaintances. And yet... gradually over the course of the next four seasons (because they will have four more seasons to evolve their relationship), she experiences a character growth arc that roughly parallels Cas's entire arc of self-discovery, battling his past demons, choosing his own family, and finding contentment with himself. And I absolutely HATE that Rowena remained unredeemed, because that parallel with Cas? Yeah... there's a lot of reasons he got perma-shoved into the Empty...

11.03 has her reluctantly helping them save Cas (from the spell she'd cast on him in the first place, but she did save him), and the banter between her and Sam is just super antagonistic. Love that for them. It's very early Dean/Cas. Or maybe s6 Dean/Cas.

11.09 and 11.10 begin to show us a deeper look at Rowena, and how horrifyingly misguided her efforts were. After that, we don't see her for most of a season, until we find out about her resurrection spell. But when she comes back, she is Changed™ in some pretty fundamental ways, scarred by her experiences. Every episode with her beyond this point-- and I'd say especially those written by Yockey and Glynn-- demonstrate this change. This desire to redeem herself, and the kindness Sam shows her during this process.

12.11 Regarding Dean not only gives us a better look at her history in a more pointed way, it shows just how much he has changed and WANTS to change. For herself, but also because Sam just keeps putting his trust in her. She wants to be worthy of it, even if she doesn't feel she ever could be.

13.12 Various and Sundry Villains seemed to be going hard on building a common footing between her and Sam. Even as Dean protested, Sam continued sympathizing with her and doing whatever he could to support her. Even if it would eventually put them in danger.

13.19 Funeralia was the moment I personally began to see their relationship had fundamentally shifted. Sure, the final scene of the episode involved Sam, Rowena, and Dean... but the episode literally interwove Sam and Rowena's fates, which would become the eventual method of her self-sacrifice in 15.03 in the exact way Dean and Cas's fates were interwoven and came to fruition in 15.18.

And how can we leave off 14.14 Ouroboros? I mean, the entire episode has her paired with Sam while Dean's paired with Cas. And then she literally trades herself to Michael to save what she considers her family now? Very Winchester of her. Go figure.

15.02 and 15.03 are... heck to me in retrospect, it looks like bucklemming deliberately trying to stamp out the relationship between her and Sam in 15.02, and Bobo coming in for the kill with 15.03, in direct parallel to "breaking up" Dean and Cas. Can you see why I was absolutely DETERMINED that Rowena be saved from her fate? Because if she wasn't, neither would Dean and Cas be saved? Yeah... look how that turned out... >.>

She manages to have a lot of conversations with Sam about stuff even Sam says he's never talked about with anyone else-- including Dean. They get each other in profound ways. In ways that nobody else on the planet can really even understand.

I get how a lot of people chose to see her more as a "mentor figure" for Sam and his witchcraft abilities. She did leave him her worldly possessions when she died, after all, effectively handing over her legacy to Sam. But ignoring all the rest of it, the personal, emotional, and cosmic connection between them just... starts to look like forcefully denying the potential for a deeper relationship between them. Because 15.06 Golden Time looks a LOT different if you remove your Saileen ship goggles and watch it with the understanding that Sam was still mourning Rowena's loss even three episodes later, and KNOWING that Chuck was manipulating Eileen's return, that Chuck wrote that partial spell for Sam to complete to resurrect Eileen. Because just like Chuck was grumpy about Cas being helpful to Dean, he was grumpy about Rowena being helpful to Sam. I have no idea how it was even possible for people to watch that episode as a purely unproblematic return of a favorite character.

Please know that I adore Eileen, and that the narrative had convinced me by 15.18 that she and Sam would've been happy together, that he really loved her, and that they had been working on building a future together. And even independently of any ship, I was still angry about Rowena's fate. I mean, in my finale rewrite, Revenge of the Text, she was the first person Jack visits after deciding how best to put the universe to rights. It had zero to do with shipping her with Sam anymore, and I'll probably always mourn the loss of their romantic potential, but I do give her the chance at true redemption, friendship, and family that the narrative denied her.

So really, at the end of the day, I care more about her than I do the lost potential for a ship. But the ship would've been both adorable and cosmic...

[mikhailoist]

Why Dean and Cas Will Go Canon in 15x09: An Analysis Essay

There have been many speculations about what the future holds for Dean Winchester and Castiel as the end of Supernatural approaches. For the past eleven years, the Destiel relationship has been explored, although it has unfortunately been used as a way to queerbait LGBTQ+ audiences. Despite the subtext and the countless romantic tropes present between these two characters, they have not yet been established as a canon relationship on the show. However, the fifteenth and final season has built a storyline centered around Destiel and the very likely chance that they will become canon ⁠— specifically in the ninth episode. In this essay I will focus primarily on the impact the Destiel relationship has had on Dean’s character development, and why I believe Dean will finally admit his feelings for Cas in 15x09.

Dean has never been known for being the best at expressing his feelings. He has said the words “I love you” only twice on the show (to my immediate knowledge), and both of these moments occurred in the much later seasons. In the season 12 finale, when confronting his mom, Dean’s “I love you” follows an emotional exclamation of the words “I hate you”. He hates his mom for leaving him and making his life miserable, but he loves her because he can’t help it. Meanwhile, in season 14, Dean tells Sam “I love you for trying” when Sam attempts to find a different solution to the Michael problem. We as viewers know Dean loves his little brother, but the fact that it took him fourteen seasons to admit those words out loud conveys how difficult it is for him to grasp the concept of love. However, back in season 8, a discarded version of the script for 8x17 has Dean saying “I love you” to Cas during the scene where Cas, brainwashed by Naomi, is beating Dean up. This would have been the first time on the show that Dean said these words to anyone; however, Jensen disagreed with that part of the script and had it changed. He knew his character well enough to realize that, at that point in Dean’s story, he was not ready to utter those three words to anyone. However, the fact that the writers even considered having Dean tell Cas he loves him is proof that Cas has been a primary factor in helping Dean realize that it’s okay to let his walls down and express his love for other people. Castiel has, in many ways, offered his own love to Dean over the years, a love that Dean hasn’t ever known. All his life, Dean has either been hurt or abandoned by the people he has admitted to loving. His mother, Mary, severely hurt him and left a wound that is still healing ⁠— yes, he loves her, but he explicitly stated that he hates her, too. We never heard Dean say he loves his father, though if he loves one emotionally toxic parent because he can’t help it, we can assume he loves John for the same reason. Meanwhile, Dean’s love for his brother is definitely strong ⁠— he’s made deals to bring him back from the dead, and so on ⁠— and while that love has been reciprocated, Sam has never loved him quite as much. In 5x16, Dean learns that Sam’s personal heaven was the day he left for Stanford, which was Dean’s own personal hell. Dean has always pulled countless strings to save Sam’s life, but when Dean was trapped in Purgatory in season 8, Sam didn’t even consider trying to find a way to bring him back. The list goes on. This isn’t to say that Sam doesn’t love his brother; it just further proves my point that Dean has never felt the same love from the people he gives it to ⁠— at least, not from his immediate family. Castiel is another story. Cas has shown love to Dean in many ways, ways that can easily be defined as healthy, pure, unconditional, etc. He “hunted, rebelled, and [he] did it, all of it, for [Dean]”; he refused to leave Dean when the Mark of Cain was turning him evil; he gave up an entire army for Dean; he always comes when Dean calls to help him in his time of need; he “gripped [him] tight and raised [him] from perdition”. The list goes on and on. The point I’m making here is that, while Dean’s character has slowly been developing in the sense that he’s learning to let himself love people, he always ends up getting hurt in the end. Cas was the one who never hurt him. This brings us, finally, to the premise of their relationship in season 15. Dean is holding a grudge against Cas and closed himself off, which ultimately drove Cas away in 15x03. However, when we watch Dean blame Cas for Mary’s death, I believe we’re only seeing the surface of what’s really going on Dean’s head. Jensen even addressed this at his panel with Misha at DCCon, when he stated that there will be an answer to the question of why Dean is treating Cas so horribly in 15x09. He says, “Dean has a moment by himself where he prays to Cas, and it’s a bit of a confession on why he feels the way he feels and why he’s treating Cas the way he treated him.” This spoiler alone is loaded with so much material that hints towards Destiel becoming canon, and I will address all of it shortly.

As soon as season 15 premiered, you, me, and all the other fans of this show knew we’d be in for a wild ride. With Jack dying at the end of season 14 and Chuck unleashing an apocalypse of ghosts on the world, we all had a feeling that the plot would center around Sam and Dean fighting ghosts like old times ⁠— taking the show back to the basics, per say. This was a fear I had, especially when one of the first trailers for the season featured Dean saying to Sam, “You and me against every soul in Hell? I like those odds.” However, right off the bat, we see in 15x01 that the brotherly relationship is not intended to be the primary focus of the season. It’ll definitely be a huge aspect, as it always is, but there are many other themes that outweigh the brotherly relationship and are becoming much more present in the final season. All of these themes connect back to Destiel in one way or another. The first one is “Family don’t end in blood”, a memorable quote that originated from Dean’s father figure, Bobby. The most important people in Sam and Dean’s life so far do not share their blood, but the boys consider them family. As this essay is focused on analyzing Dean’s character, I’m going to mention a few family members who don’t end in blood for Dean, specifically. The first is Bobby, of course, who is still a primary father figure in his life, despite being deceased since season 7. The second is Jody, who is the most maternal figure in Dean’s life and was once referred to as Dean’s mom over Mary. Another is Charlie, who was extremely important to Dean and, as he said, “the sister [he] never wanted” (jokingly, of course). Seasons 12 through 14 partly stripped away the “family don’t end in blood theme”, especially with Mary returning and the episode where Dean got to have closure with John. At the same time, Jack became like a son to Dean. Dean even says “he was our kid” when referencing Jack after his death in 15x01. So, even though Supernatural seemed to forget about “family don’t end in blood” for a while, it seems like the writers are returning to that theme in season 15. Cas, of course, is a huge part of this. He leaves in 15x03 because Sam and Dean “have each other”. This is heartbreaking to hear Cas say because, despite everything, Dean has always made it a point to tell Cas that he’s family (some of the prime examples being 8x17 and 11x23). However, it’s interesting to note that Dean forgave Jack at the end of season 14 for killing Mary, because he considers Jack family; meanwhile, Dean is still holding a grudge against Cas, even though Cas wasn’t the one who killed her. Not to mention Dean only knew Jack for a couple of years, while he’s known Cas for eleven ⁠— and still, for some reason, what Cas did was unforgivable. It’s extremely difficult from an audience viewpoint to understand why Dean is so unwilling to forgive Cas after everything they’ve been through, even though we know he considers Cas family. And that’s just the thing. Cas is more than family. That’s why Dean is closing himself off, because after everything revealed at the end of season 14, it’s easier for him to stay angry with Cas, the man he loves, than to face the truth that Chuck made known to them: “Nothing about [their] lives is real.” The “we are” scene in 15x02 clarified Dean’s fears about the Chuck situation. He believes nothing about his life has ever mattered, because Chuck designed every aspect of his life. Why, then, is he only choosing to project this anger onto Cas? Dean believes the fact that he saves people for a living doesn’t matter, yet he’s still saving them; he’s still fighting the good fight. He probably believes Rowena’s sacrifice doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, yet he mourns her death and feels terrible after she dies. Despite feeling this way, he still shows kindness to Sam, to Rowena, to Ketch ⁠— to everyone but Cas. The only reason for this that makes sense to me is the heartbrokenness Dean feels upon realizing that he and Cas were never real. He can bear the thought of his relationship with his brother being fake all along, but when it comes to Cas? The angel who pulled him out of Hell and the only one who has ever shown him what love truly looks like? If none of that was ever real, I can imagine why Dean feels the way he does. That doesn’t validate the way he’s treating Cas by any means, but knowing Dean, I understand. This man has always been closed off. When he finally opens himself up to the possibility of love thanks to Cas, only to have a fear instilled in him that none of it ever mattered, I understand how terrifying and heart-wrenching that is for him. I understand why it’d be easier for him to be angry at Cas and to push him away. And he wouldn’t do this if he just saw Cas as his brother ⁠— because he’s not even pushing his own brother away, and we know how close Sam and Dean are. No, he’s pushing Cas away because Cas matters to him in a way that is unparalleled. 

Three episodes into season 15 and the writers are already focusing on the Destiel “breakup” as the primary conflict. Every episode so far we’ve had some kind of interaction or comment that has increased the tension between them. The “we are” scene is a prime example, as is the final scene of 15x03, of course, but there are other moments as well. In 15x03, when Dean volunteers Cas to go to Hell with Belphegor, he subtly mentions that Cas has “been there before”. This moment was small and fleeting, but there’s no way the writers didn’t include it on purpose. Cas going to Hell to rescue Dean was the catalyst for their relationship. It’s where everything started. It’s a pivotal moment in Dean’s life that I’m sure he holds extremely close to his heart. Now that Chuck’s control over their lives has been revealed, Dean is probably thinking that Cas rescuing him from Hell never mattered, either. But it did matter, and that’s what Dean has to learn. And he will learn, because the second major theme of season 15 is going to focus on free will. I wholeheartedly believe this ⁠— it was even mentioned at Comic Con 2019. (This is also why I disagree with the fan theories that the Supernatural finale will mirror Swan Song, but that’s an entirely different essay.) Dean is going to learn that the relationship he built with Cas was a product of their own choices. When Cas said “we’re making it up as we go” in regards to him and Dean, he meant it. It will take him some time, but Dean’s going to see that he and Cas do matter and they are real. He’s going to pray to Cas in 15x09, which is a sign of his faith in Cas, not God. It’s a sign of faith in the angel who believes in free will just as much as he does, rather than a sign of faith in the god controlling their lives. The prayer alone can heavily be identified as a romantic trope, especially since Dean always prayed to Cas in the past. Cas was the one who taught him faith. Not faith in God, but faith in him. Faith that Cas would always come when Dean called and that he would always be there to pour love into Dean’s life. But a simple prayer isn’t going to be enough, and we all know this. This is where a spoiler released by Misha Collins comes in. Misha said, and I quote, “I think their current relationship is precarious, and it’ll take something really big happening to heal their divide.” Something really big. Knowing what we know about Dean, what is something really big going to look like? I’ve already restated Jensen’s own words that Dean’s prayer is going to be a confession, and to confess means to “admit or acknowledge something reluctantly, typically because one feels ashamed or embarrassed”. We know Dean feels ashamed about pushing Cas away, but why did he push Cas away? He’s going to have to tell Cas the full truth, otherwise Cas is not going to come back. He’s moved on; he’s tired of being treated like a punching bag, like he doesn’t matter. Sure, he’s been told by Dean that he’s “their brother”, but even that wasn’t enough to get him to stay when everything started falling apart. We know Cas loves Dean in a different way, a very special way. He knows he and Dean “share a more profound bond”; he was willing to risk everything for Dean. I’m sure he knows Dean feels the same way, but our poor hunter is going to have to admit that out loud if he wants his angel back. In 15x09, I believe Dean will confess to Cas that he pushed him away because he loves him. He’s going to admit that he loves him differently than Sam or Jack or any other member of his family, and that’s why it was harder to accept that he and Cas may never have been real. Hopefully, by 15x09, Dean will try to assure himself that they are real; that, or he will ask Cas to come back, because even if they’re not real, he would rather pretend that they are. I think he will tell Cas in his prayer that he wants to continue writing their own story. Back in season 4, Dean taught Cas how important it was to have free will; in 15x02, this was paralleled by Cas in the “we are” scene. I think it will all come full circle in 15x09, and Dean will realize that the story of him and Cas is beautiful, it’s not controlled by anyone else, and it’s theirs. Tears will form in Dean’s eyes, he’ll bow his head, and admit to Cas that he loves him. Not as a friend or a brother, but as someone he wants to be with in a romantic way. Because for the past 15 seasons, all signs have pointed to a romantic relationship between these two. Season 15 is already focusing heavily on a breakup storyline. And if Misha said it’s going to take something really big to patch things up, then Dean finally admitting his romantic feelings for Cas is the only thing that makes sense to me.

[vvivacious101]

Long Live The Queen

Okay, I have now watched this episode twice more and I have so many more thoughts.

On the Second Watch:

1. Maybe I'm not thinking this whole Dean and Cas thing, in Purgatory, through. They have to get a Leviathan Blossom, do they even know what it is? I think not, which indirectly means we are definitely going to be catching up with someone in the next episode. It could be a new character but given that this is the last season I am more inclined with the former view.

Also, there is something else in Purgatory that hates both Cas and Dean's guts, Leviathans which would make it extra special if Dick Roman makes it back on the show which is unlikely because I believe he is dead dead. But still cool thought. Anyhow, I can't wait for thirty-one flavours of bottom dwelling nasties.

2. I can't imagine I forgot to mention Lilith makes a reappearance on the show and Michael just dusts her, like how could we ever forgot how powerful archangels are. But the short second life of Lilith means that ie one player off the chess board.

3. This entire episode I couldn't shake the feeling that Eileen was going to die but somehow I still managed to not connect it with Chuck. I fear for Eileen's life. Fingers crossed. I hope I'm not right.

4. Do Sam and Dean have the power of God seems to be a subtly veiled question? After all what will it take to take down God.

5. I am still loving Donatello's performance in this one. He is so good.

What is it with you people? Can't anything you do be easy?

Donatello literally runs out of the bunker. God, was he always this funny. This guy is so good!!!

6. Can we also talk about the fact that team free will gets trounced by Demons who haven't even been scary since season 6.

Like Dean's “anyone of us winning” is a good indication of how increasingly Sam and Dean find themselves on the wrong sides of fight. In fact they seem to be consistently loosing on that front especially when they are going up against supernatural creatures. The one exception being Dean vs the MOTW last week which was an off screen battle but since Dean comes out of it uninjured it probably went really well considering Dean was tied up and had just managed to get loose when the creature set itself free. They lost against the witches in Golden Time and Eileen was the one who saved them that time. In Proverbs 17:3 they only managed to survive because Andy decided to kill his brother and himself. In Atomic Monsters there was no fight. There seems to be a trend here were fights seem to be turning uglier than usual for Sam and Dean even if it's just demons.

7. MVP of this episode is Donatello hands down.

8. Castiel and Michael are very interesting. So while rewatching season 1 I had this realisation that Sam leaving hurt Dean more than John purely because in a way the most consistent parental figure in Sam's life has been Dean. This dynamic can be extrapolated to Cas and Michael while Castiel's real father is God the most consistent fatherly figure that he has followed is Michael. I mean they weren't following God's orders in Season 4, they were following Michael's but this doesn't quite fit because Cas and Michael are not at all close. Yet he still answers Cas' prayer it has been a long time since he has been able to answer anybody's prayer but he chooses to answer Cas' which begs the question why? Why did Michael choose to answer the angel who he only seems to remember as the being who doomed him? Which brings the question that maybe Michael isn't so bad he has always had good intentions and they definitely paved his way to Hell but still the intent has never been purely malicious unlike AU Michael this one still hasn't lost his faith or maybe he just seems to have the right guide in Adam, who is ready to forgive Sam and Dean.

9. Sue Barrish is an interesting character especially as Chuck is basically moonlighting as her. I like how he gets Eileen to participate with the key words ‘do you have to ask for permission’ because prior to that part Eileen is maybe  thinking it’s not the right time considering they have a walking talking WMD in the bunker but that gets to her. Chuck at his manipulating best. Then he throws the cherry on top.

How did I not notice this the first time? Eileen sees that Sue is alright and she says “Thank God” which is exactly when Chuck breaks cover as Sue to come back with “Anytime”.

10. This is seriously not right. How can Michael open a rift between the Earth and Purgatory while the handcuffs still on. Exactly what do the handcuffs prevent, only him flying out, then he could just kill everyone, get the key and get out like that has got to be a major flaw right? Right?

I mean shaking the bunker I get he is distraught emotions seem to make them stronger like when Jack gets super jacked when he breaks out of the box at the end of Season 14 because he feels betrayed and he gets angry though how he can get angry without a soul is still subject to debate. But opening rifts that has got to be super specific and powerful magic which Michael can still perform with the handcuffs on, like how powerful is this guy and what does putting him in handcuffs truly achieve.

11. I loved how they didn't have Ruth's name in the beginning so that her return would be a total surprise because at times the actors names can give away plot points because I remember seeing Samantha's name in the beginning seasons and freaking out every time because I knew that met Sam and Dean were up for a tumultuous time.

12. So generally the mid season finale is the point where the characters are at there lowest like they make a gamble to defeat the big bad and it fails, like in Season 5 where the mideseaon finale is literally title “Abandon All Hope...” But this episode doesn't do that. Infact it isn't self contained at all from the ending we can tell that it is like the first three episodes which were like a self contained little arc but even they had endings. This episode really doesn't its got a big TBC at the end that they just forgot to put there. So they are not at there lowest which should mean that they have either already been there or this time the low point is going to come later in the season which is scary because the emotional burden of a low point near the end might kill me but they really seem to be going all out this season. They are going to rip us to shreds.

Then I watched it again:

a) Basically this episode begins with a subliminal message - Chuck always wins.

b) Okay I can't get over the fact that Rowena just tells Cas that no one ever gives you anything you have to take it. 😏

c) Let's talk about Sam and Dean's conversation it's basically a rehash of a similar convo in season 8 except with the roles of Sam and Dean reversed. I feel like I can read more into that but right now I am just cautiously optimistic. Dean also agrees he was in a bad place because of Cas and God and now Cas is back on the job and he atleast feels better. Dean being in a bad place is a loaded statement I'm actually surprised Sam doesn't want to talk more about it especially considering he picked up the earlier tension between Dean and Cas but that might just be about him respecting Dean's boundaries. Also I feel like in this particular conversation Sam feels put on the spot truly reversing their roles from season 8 he tries to say something to that effect but Dean interrupts. Right now I really want to know what's going on with Sam the last good look we had at Sam was in Atomic Monsters and I want another one.

d) Next up is Dean and Cas’ conversation which has to be the only conversation they have ever had where they don't make eye contact like at all. So I was thinking that some of Dean's dialogues could be interpreted as his own as compared to Michael's or maybe at this point he empathizes with him. But Cas repeating Michael's words was so epic.

“Leave. Go out. I want you dead.”

Kind of similar to what Dean said to Cas.

“We didn't bond.”

This episode just keeps on giving. I loved it!

[hekate1308]

Irony

Denial ain’t just a river, kids, and I’m in so deep I am basically drowning. Enjoy!

“It says it will bring back “The One who has done the most for you”, Dean! This could be our shot!”

“Sammy, I know you want Mom back, and trust me, I do too, but –“

Dean bites his lip.

“We don’t know she’s all that will return to our universe. Lucifer’s out there – “

“And so is Mom”.

Dean sigs and turns to their freshly revived and now human friend.

“Cas, what do you think?”

“There’s a great risk involved” he says simply, “And we shouldn’t forget...”

He trails off. Dean nods.

“Crowely offed himself so Lucifer wouldn’t come back, and we’re trying to open the portal again.”

“No, we’re not; we’re just dragging someone out”.

His brother won't take no for an answer, as Dean well knows, and he will do it on his own if he doesn't get what he wants.

So he acquiesces while trading worried glances with Cas.

Sam has been on saving Mom mode for months now, ever since Dean, reeling from the loss of Cas (and, as he much later admitted to himself, Crowley as well, just a little bit) had done away with the spawn of Satan.

At least Cas came back to life pretty quickly. They still think Chuck had something to do with it.

At least this might bring them closure, if nothing else.

So as Sam finishes the spell in an abandoned warehouse not far from the bunker, both Dean and Cas are holding angel blades, just in case.

There’s a bright flash; the portal opens once again; they hear the thump of a body on the floor; and when they can see again –

They watch Crowley jump up, obviously fuelled by adrenaline.

“What the – “ Sam begins in the same moment Dean moves forward.

Because the shock on Crowley’s face makes two things very clear:

One, he is as human as Cas.

And two, he’s just realizing that as the weight of everything he did as a demon comes crashing down.

Dean’s just in time to prevent him from crashing down on the floor again.

“Ugh. Guys, a little help? Dude’s not exactly a light weight”.

Cas is at their side in an instant; Sam needs a moment longer.

“Something must have gone wrong with the spell” he mutters as they carry Crowley to the car. He’s semi-conscious but unaware of them, babbling to himself with a Scottish accent Dean is pretty sure must have sounded right when he was human, but is all but ineligible nowadays.

“Sam...” he begins, unsure of how to voice his suspicion that the spell did exactly what it’s supposed to do, because if you compare what they’ve been through over the years...

He meets Cas’ eyes and realizes he understands too.

“So which hospital are we taking him to?” Sam asks once they’ve buckled him into the car. He’s silent now, but shaking all over.

“What?”

“Dean, we can’t very well – “

“Why? Guy’s got nothing, Sam. No ID, no insurance, hell, his meat suit might still be on the missing persons’ list, and what do we do then? No, he’s coming to the bunker”.

“But –“

“Sam” he says, tired of pretending that he hasn’t been grieving just a tad for the demon in the last few months because he knew his brother wouldn’t understand, “We’re taking him with us. He offed himself for us, for crying out loud!”

Crowley flinched at that.

“Sorry man” Dean mumbled, awkwardly squeezing his shoulder, “It’s all going to be okay.”

He has no idea if that’s true, but it’s the only thing to say.

“Cas? Can you look after him in the back?”

Their friend nods. He knows exactly what it means to suddenly become human.

And so does Dean. And Dean knows even more than Cas in this special situation, because he’s the one who turned back human after becoming a demon and he remembers the moment all the guilt that had been suppressed while he’d gone dark came crashing down again.

And from what Sam told him – that Crowley once openly bragged about the evil things he’d done – he assumes that he’s not doing well right now.

He does his best to concentrate on his driving and not glance back every few seconds; at least Sam does enough watching for the both of them, obviously still figuring out why they ended up with Crowley.

Dean, meanwhile, is busy attempting to find an excuse why he’s so damn glad to see the former King of Hell, even in his sorry state.

Yeah, he grieved and told himself he shouldn’t, and yeah, sometimes he missed him. They knew each other for years when he stabbed himself, and he’d become a familiar face in a world where that’s a rarity, and –

Yes, maybe their “Summer of Love” had something to do with it as well, because whether Dean has ever admitted as much, they actually were friends back then, or as close as two demons can get anyway.

Crowley doesn’t say a thing the whole drive, which is disconcerting to say the least. Dean doesn’t think he’s ever had a conversation with him without being reminded how much he loves the sound of his own voice.

Loved, apparently. All rules have been thrown out the window, he reminds himself, because that’s no demon in the backseat, that’s a man who needs help, furthermore, a man who needs help because he was helping them, and they won’t throw him out. They’ve history of not treating their – allies as well as they deserve, and as far as Dean’s concerned, it’s high time they stop doing that.

He meets Cas’ eyes in the rear view mirror.

As always, they understand one another without saying anything.

He’s concerned too.

At least Crowley follows orders (and isn’t that just another sentence Dean never thought he’d use).

When they tell him to get out of the car, he does.

When they show him an empty room and tell him it’s his, he sits down on the bed, still shaking badly.

When Dean hunts down some old clothes and hands them to him with an instruction to clean up and change, since his suit looks about as bad as he does, he takes a shower and returns to his room in jeans and a t-shirt.

Isn’t that a weird sight.

It’s pretty clear nothing will be happening when he sits down on the bed again, so Dean searches for the others.

They’re in the library, Sam pretending to read, Cas mustering him with a worried expression.

“Sam...”

“Don’t” he says quietly.

“I’m – pretty sure I get it. I just need some time”.

After a pause he adds, “I didn’t even really mean it when I thanked him that one time”.

“That’s alright. I thanked him too, and I did mean it”.

Dean smiles at Cas.

“After all, he could have just used that lance to gank Lucifer”.

“Instead he chose to save me. I wondered, at the time. It’s become clearer since I turned human”.

Dean grins and draws him into a hug.

“Yep, that’s what humanity’s about.”

Cas laughs.

Dean’s smile drops when he thinks of what this means for Crowley, though.

That’s what, three hundred years worth of doing evil deeds and laughing about it afterwards?

“Sam, didn’t you say he got all weepy and begged for forgiveness when you tried to cure him?”

Sam nods.

“Yes, but back then it happened slowly. This was sudden, and he has to deal with being resurrected too”.

After a pause he adds, “Dean, me asking to take him to a hospital... It wasn’t just me being a bit hard on him. I’m not sure we can handle this on our own”.

“I know”.

But he also knows that teh thought of locking Crowley up and throwing away the key is making his skin crawl.

“He just hates being confined, alright?”

A detail admitted during one of their late night drinking sessions when they were both demons and living it up.

“Alright” Sam says slowly. “There should be someone with him at all times, though. Losing your mind isn’t fun”.

“I agree” Cas chimes in.

It’s the one experience Dean can’t say he’s shared with his brother and best friend, despite the fact that others would probably think he’s as insane as he can be.

Dean nods.

“I’ll start the watch”.

“He’s always liked you the best anyway” Sam says.

Dean snorts.

“Means he’s hated me a little less than he’s hated everything but me, and that includes his mother”.

Oh dear, he suddenly remembers, Rowena. Now that he feels like a human, he probably misses her too.

And then there’s Gavin. He was even upset about his son’s death as a demon.

Crowley’s still sitting on the bed, staring at nothing, shaking.

Dean never thought he’d seen him like this, and he’d lie if he said it doesn’t hurt a bit.

Cain and his “mixed feelings” indeed.

He leans down so he can look Crowley in the eyes.

All he gets is a vacant stare.

Is that even him anymore? Is there a chance they’ve picked up a literary agent from New York, traumatized by years of being dragged around all over the place by a demon?

But no; if this was Crowley’s meat suit, he wouldn’t trust them instinctively.

“Crowley” he begins slowly, “You can stay here, you understand? You can stay here and get your bearings. You know the bunker’s safe. Just... try and get better, alright?”

At least Crowley blinks. That’s more of a reaction than Dean hoped for.

They settle into a routine. Crowley, after a few days of staying in his room and not doing anything, develops a habit of following one of them around, as if he’s clinging to reality by watching those he knows.

He never says a word and he’s certainly not annoying anyone, so they let him.

Even Sam admits after a week that he pities him; and Cas, of course, has long forgiven him for anything he’s done to him.

Dean’s feelings are more complicated, because they’re even laced with guilt because he punched Crowley on the same day he stabbed himself so they could get away.

At least he eats and sleeps when they tell him to.

It’s only Dean’s thorough knowledge of the demon that ensures things don’t take a very tragic turn at the end of the first month.

He’s been suspecting for a while that Crowley’s becoming more aware of his surroundings, and when he realizes doing the dishes one night that a knife’s missing, he doesn’t hesitate.

Without a word he storms past Sam and Cas to the bathroom, where, sure enough, Crowley’s standing with the knife, his face blank as usual.

“No” Dean exclaims as he wrenches the knife out of his hand.

“No. We are not doing that again. Look, I get that you’re hurting and feeling guilty, but that’s being human. You stand up, and you dust yourself off, and you throw yourself back into the fight like the King we know, alright? I told you, you can stay. We’ll figure this out”.

He could have sworn there’s a flicker of surprise in his eyes.

After this, Crowley predominately starts following Dean. Sam thinks it’s a good thing.

“Means he’s establishing his old patterns” he says, whatever this means.

Crowley’s not even bad company when Sam and Cas aren’t around, so he doesn’t mind.

Things start getting better. One day when they’re grocery shopping, Crowley actually reaches out and touches his arm to get Dean’s attention and points at an apple pie with a somewhat mischievous expression.

Dean buys it to celebrate, no matter what Sam says.

Slowly, there are other things too. Crowley starts signing to them, even if he still doesn’t speak, and he actually invents signs to differentiate between them.

Dean’s strangely touched he uses his fingers to symbolize antlers when he means Sam, makes a flying motion when it comes to Cas, and actually imitates a Squirrel when he’s talking about him.

As stated before, most would consider Dean slightly insane.

He points out passages in books and helpful websites to them all the time now, and they can even leave him in the bunker when they hunt, even though they’re reluctant to do so.

But one day, it’s a whole nest of vampires sucking dry a middle-sized town, so it’s all hands on deck, and Crowley nods as they explain.

Not only doesn’t he speak, he also doesn’t send texts, so Dean thinks nothing of not getting a reply when he informs him it’s all been dealt with a few days later.

Nothing could surprise them more than finding dinner ready for them when they return.

Except for one thing.

Crowley clears his throat behind them.

“Hello, boys”.

They turn around to find him smirking at them.

Yes, this is the guy Dean remembers.

A little down-cast, and a little beaten, sure, but close enough.

Things are going to be fine.

[awed-frog]

hey! i wanted to let you know that i think your cas/stages of grief meta was absolutely amazing. cas's story never really made sense to me, it always seemed so inconsistent, like they had no idea where they were going with it, and your meta is the first i've read that made me see some central theme in it after all. so kudos for that :) just out of curiosity, you have any idea where they're going with crowley? bc his story is another one that always felt the opposite of straightforward to me.

Whats your hope for Crowleys arc on this season?

Hi! Thank you so much for all that! I am the most awful person, because not only I’m like, two months late in answering this but I’m also going to bundle it up with an anon ask. Sorry, @andallthewildthingsroared!

(I did write the overly long thing I promised you, though, so there’s that.)

I understand where you’re coming from - Crowley’s arc is sort of zigzaggy, but if you take away what was clearly bad characterization (such as that one-off threat to Sam complete with red eyes which never went anywhere), I sort of feel like we can know who Crowley is, and what he wants.

Background

So, just as a summary - we know he was a bastard, and that he had a stable enough relationship with his mother that he remembers her (not fondly), and that she up and left soon enough that it felt like she was abandoning him (eight is a bit soon to fend for yourself, even in the seventeenth century). We know he had a son, and since Gavin’s mother is never mentioned, I want to say unremarkable entity who died in childbirth? Because if this had been his great love, and if she’d survived long enough to be remembered by Gavin, I hope to God that would have been brought up in the narrative (come on). So, either Crowley didn’t give a damn about her, and got saddled with the kid for some reason, or he cared a lot and she died pretty early on and that’s possibly the reason he started being so awful to everybody (hello, John Winchester’s parallels). We also know he was a tailor, which, in those times, and for an orphan, implies either that Rowena used magic to help him out (unlikely for a number of reasons) or that he was actually a very smart, very talented kid who had to work his ass off during his apprenticeship, as was usual for the times. In this case, we’ve got someone whose life was out of his control from a very young age, and who knows what it’s like to be at a master’s whim. 

Demon deal

Now, what doesn’t fit with this picture is the idea a kid like that would sell his soul for a longer dick, as Crowley boasted to have done (also, as amusing as it is, this would be a moot point by now, since Crowley’s in a different body). What I consider more likely is that Crowley’s current vessel - the literary agent in his late forties possibly all work and all play as that job often entails - tried to make a similar deal (and that would be a reason for Crowley to stick with the body afterwards; after all, we know he’s vain and likes to sleep around, so, vessel for vessel, why not go for a bigger dong?); as for Crowley himself, I really can’t guess what happened. Gavin remembers him as a useless drunkard, and he certainly had no riches to pass on - so much so, Gavin was forced to emigrate to the Colonies. What did Crowley gain, exactly, in exchange for his soul? An intriguing possibility is that, like Dean, he took the deal to save someone else - perhaps Gavin himself from some childhood fever - and became a drunk asshole out of blind panic the closer he got to the deadline. I like this explanation, because there was always this weird pull between Crowley and Dean, and this would go a long way towards explaining it; but, really, this is one of those things it’s useless to speculate about - either the show will tell us, or it won’t.

(Another possibility I like, but which would have come up by now, is that Rowena sold her kid’s soul to pay for her own magic - a plot bunny I explored here.)

Whatever his reasons, Crowley’s time in hell took this primal lack of control over his own life and made it a thousand times worse. We still don’t know, exactly, how demons are created, how long it takes, and who decides which eyes you’ll get, and which job you’ll do. This is, like, one of the 2000 things the show could get into instead of inventing new lore (I’m not complaining, though - S11 was magnificent, and S12 has been very good so far). What we do know is that the entire process is excruciatingly painful; that it distorts, or takes away, your human soul. If we think about other soulless creatures we’ve encountered, what Crowley is makes a lot of sense. It’s not about being evil, exactly; it’s more about a lack of caring and empathy. There are moments where Crowley actually reminds me of soulless!Sam - like when he pushed Dean into Cain’s arms just because it was convenient on the short term. 

Crowley the crossroads demon

Becoming a demon is also the worst kind of punishment, we should assume, because it completely takes away your free will.

(This is not exactly true, since we’ve seen a lot of demons doing stuff on the side and betraying their masters left, right and centre - but I want to think those demons breaking ranks parallel the mess that’s going on in Heaven - that these are creatures that, under normal circumstances, ie, pre-Winchesters and pre-Apocalypse, functioned as mindless servants under a king. Like angels, demons can, theoretically, think for themselves, but I feel like they’re not designed to? Although, where the angels craved order - and orders - Crowley was hoping to get support by promising other demons ‘a say, a virgin and all the entrails they can eat’ - which means demons are perhaps not as happy as angels to give up their agency. And, well, it would make sense: they do not belong to a different species, after all. They used to be human.)

And so we’ve got the transformation from human!Crowley, indentured to some abusive master as a boy, to demon!Crowley, who’s got no choice but to follow his torturers around. Except, well, Crowley’s smart (too smart for his own good, probably) and ballsy and free will is something he cares about, very fucking much (and this is another tie to Dean). From what we know, it looks like Crowley schemed and schmoozed his way into acquiring enough weapons, knowledge, powers and secrets that he was almost part of the inner circle which was preparing for Lucifer’s return. And here is where his story gets interesting, because, to get Roman about it, “We rob the world, but he will rifle the deep. If the enemy be rich, Lucifer will be rapacious; if he be poor, Lucifer will lust for dominion; he will make a desert and call it peace.”

Crowley and the Winchesters

I don’t remember if it’s ever explained why Crowley chose to bet on the Winchesters, of all people, to go against Lucifer. I think we’re meant to not question this - to assume that they’re our main characters and fierce hunters and yadda yadda, but it’s still interesting that Crowley would know them - and well, at that. I like to think they’d been on his radar from the very beginning (or, at least, that Sam was) because of Azazel’s demented scheme, and it’s certainly possible Crowley knew everything about their dealings with Hell, including Sam’s death, Dean’s self-sacrifice, and how and why he was saved. He’s been shown, after all, to be one of the most knowledgeable characters on the board, and if he’s been keeping track of the Winchesters for years and years, that would go a long way in explaining his fond exasperation for their antics. 

Now, Crowley is, of course, fascinating and interesting in himself, but what is also worth noting is that his character, like Cas’ (and perhaps even more than Cas’), is relevant in light of his relation to Dean - and Dean’s sexuality.

The first thing here is - unlike Cas, who, inevitably, had a very strong relationship with Dean from the start which made perfect narrative sense, Crowley could always go either way. It can even be argued that logically, it would have made more sense to pair him off with Sam. First of all, there’s the symmetry (Dean and his angel, Sam and his demon); then there’s the fact Crowley’s got more in common with Sam than he does with Dean - the books, the art, the interest in weird languages and weirder mythology, a general ‘the end justifies the means’ attitude - I know we now have years of backstory to influence how we view those characters, but if we take them in isolation - sure, Dean and Crowley would have fun on a night out (and we’ve seen what they do together: play pool, get drunk, sleep it off with a various number of partners of unspecified gender), but Sam and Crowley - now, that had the potential of a real friendship of the minds (as I said, forget about their history and put aside Crowley’s shady morals for a second - can’t you see how much fun they would have had to explore the Bunker’s library together? how they could have planned thefts, Leverage-style, to recover some painting stolen by an oil magnate - how they would have fought at the end, because, of course, Sam wanted to donate it to a museum and Crowley, well, was planning on keeping it, because he0d bloody well earned it?). Sam becoming friends with a demon after the whole Ruby ordeal would have been a huge bout of character growth, in line with his ‘forgive and don’t judge people by their birth’ personality. And as for Crowley, it would have made sense for him to bond with Sam rather than Dean - if only for the obvious reason: Sam could still be (potentially) his future boss. The boy with the demon blood; the only vessel that can hold Lucifer. Honestly, since Crowley never wanted to be king in the first place, it would have made perfect sense for him to seduce Sam (platonically) and then guide him to the throne - there, problem solved. He would have been chief advisor of The One Who Was Foretold, right there at Sam’s right hand to keep an eye on his every decision, and he would have known, because he would have taken the time to get to know Sam, that Sam (even as a demon king) would be a fair ruler - and, more importantly, a ruler loyal to his old friends.

It was, really, the perfect scheme - and yet the idea never came up at all. In fact, Sam and Crowley lost another momentous occasion to get closer to each other - even after Sam fed Crowley his own blood, the relationship between them remained distant at best, and hostile at worst. That always struck me as really, really weird. Sam saw Crowley at his most vulnerable, and despite being Mr Forgiveness, he continues to hate Crowley with a vengeance and the whole thing never comes up at all. Uh.

I mostly think the main reason for this is very simple: Sam ‘I desperately need my own plotline’ Winchester is straight. Very straight. Pairing him with a man would have been weird. Mirroring the relationship Dean has with Cas - weirder. The thing worked until Ruby was around, but with Crowley they would have missed a lot of juicy subtext. And so, once again and despite all odds, Dean got yet another character to add to his court, and Sam was left with nothing more than Lucifer’s mild interest in him (or, as Sam himself put it in entaglednow’s side-splitting series, “Great, you get the epic love story and I get the creepy sadomasochistic non-con.”).

(This is another reason, by the way, why their refusal to be clearer on the whole ‘Dean is bi’ issue is hurting the show: it is partly, or mostly, because they’re desperate to keep that subtext going that Dean gets all the characters - people like Charlie, or Benny, or even Jody offering him to talk in her most suave mom voice - all of these things make sense in the narrative because they’re feeding the underlying subtext. And since this is, objectively, a Big Story and the core of who Dean is, and Sam’s only stake in it would be a tragic ‘I know I said I’d die for him, but I’ll now reject my gay brother out of moral virtue’ nonsense which clearly doesn’t apply to the character, he’s left with literally nothing to do. Really - most of the story seems to gravitate around these two open secrets - Dean’s sexuality, and Dean’s love for Cas; and since, as I said, Sam’s got nothing to do with either, and no reason to be mad about either, he’s left with no narrative role. Only yesterday @tinkdw was saying how the entire myth arc of S11 doesn’t make any sense without Destiel, and she’s perfectly right; most things, for a lot of time, have been about Dean’s heart.

And I want to add that I’m not okay, or happy, with any of this. First, I think it’s dishonest to include so much subtext that it basically props up your whole narrative while denying anything’s going on; and second, Sam’s a fantastic character and there’s a lot he could do - it defies logic and reason that they’re not using him better. Like, I still can’t believe the entire God reveal was only about Dean, that we still haven’t heard how Sam feels about Lucifer being around, that he’s barely had one conversation with his mother, and that he basically has zero relationships with other characters. Come on - there’s so many awesome things you could do with someone like Sam, why aren’t they doing them? On a show that’s supposedly all about the two of them, and only the two of them?)

Crowley’s arc

By having Crowley’s represent Dean’s eros to Cas’ agape (and I want to say this is a learned reference, but I’m really just thinking about YOI right now), the main mirror for Crowley, and therefore his character arc, was firmly established. Crowley would parallel Cas - and viceversa. The journey, for both of them, is to get closer to humanity (and ‘humanity’), and what’s been fascinating is that, of course, they start off in two very different places.

As I said in the beginning, Crowley’s all about control. He’s very Scarlett O’Hara about things, and he’s got good reason to be. In this, he’s heavily paralleled with Cas, but where Cas focuses his newfound (?) free will on everything but himself - hence the Jesus-like characterization - Crowley’s most consistent character trait is his selfishness. All of his schemes, and most of his ambitions, are ultimately directed at saving himself and avoid pain and death, which, to be honest, would be sensible from anyone’s point of view but is particularly understandable if we consider we’re dealing with a soulless creature who’s got no capacity to love and has endured decades, if not centures, of torture. What is most significant about Crowley, therefore, is the same thing that makes Cas stands out: how Crowley is learning about himself, and how to become who he truly is, through his love for Dean. This is something that we discuss every other day, so I won’t get into it (see for instance the ‘drowley’ tag on my blog, or read here, here or here), but it’s clearly become a major part of his character arc. 

(His decision to sacrifice that spear to save Cas, for instance, was a huge step in this direction - selfishness to selflessness - so huge I still can’t believe I watched it with my own two eyes. It will probably be mirrored, quite soon, by Cas making a step of his own - in his case, towards selfishness, ie, the Winchesters’ happiness, and therefore his own, and away from yet another idiotic heavenly battle plan.) 

As for what will come of it - the problem with this kind of Are you truly my enemy? characters - or, well, the trouble with everything - is that there is a limited number pf ways their story can end. And, again, the problem with Crowley and where his story is going is the same problem we have with everything else - Dean, Sam, Destiel and so on: it all depends on which kind of story this is, and what they’re trying to say with it. So, let’s have a look at it.

A) Crowley could remain his slightly evil self and die because of it - this would place Supernatural in a kind of ‘moralistic’ narrative: the good guys triumph, and the bad guys pay the price.

B) Or, he could try to do the right thing and get killed in the process: that’s the definition of tragedy, which somehow works even better when a character was despicable to start with - think Last of the Mohicans, or Severus Snape. In this case, his death would likely be the first (or the last) of many other significant characters.

C) Another possibility is that Crowley could become human, and that would be both interesting and heartbreaking to watch, because we know Crowley is very ambitious, but, as I said, my headcanon is that he became wary and power-hungry because of what was done to him in Hell. After all, Dean did get a kind of special treatment, but what he went through was also the standard procedure to destroy someone’s soul - so drunken tailor Fergus was probably on the rack for decades, until the last shred of humanity left inside him burned and withered, and it’s likely that at some point he had his O'Hara moment and that’s why he always puts himself first: because he’s bloody scared shitless to be vulnerable again. In this sense, a human Crowley would be resentful and terrified - and therefore, a beautiful character to watch.

(Not that there would be anyone left to watch, since if they go there, I think they’ll do it at the last possible moment.)

D) Or, Crowley could remain a demon but shift his priorities so completely as to work with the Winchesters full-time, sort of like Cas did. Now, this would be quite something because Cas and Crowley are often paralleled, but at the same time it would put Crowley in a difficult position: I am sure Sam and Dean would fully accept him as a member of TFW only if Crowley repented and behaved like an unpstanding citizen from then on, and how is all that compatible with being the king of Hell? Plus, what would happen to the other demons? Was Crowley making more demons when he had complete control of Hell? We know he turned Hell more bureaucratic and 'punishment fits the crime’ and whatever, but his demons were still eating human flesh, and I’m not sure they can even survive without? So, well, however noble Crowley’s intentions, that would be an uneasy alliance. If Crowley remains his lovable and snarky demon self, I see more of an Eric Northman ending for him: sure, he gets his throne and all sort of pretty distractions, but he loses his Sookie forever.

E) And finally: Crowley could be killed in a freak ‘accident’, maybe by an ally of the Winchesters who didn’t know he was sort of a friend (Mary is a prime candidate), or by Cas or Sam because of the greater good, or maybe even by Dean himself - but not by choice - and that would be a sort of fridging because it would shift the meaning of his death to the damage it’d do to his killer.

Which hypothesis is more likely? 

Well: first of all, we need to bear in mind a few RL factors. They’ll probably want to keep Mark around because he’s awesome, the fans generally like him so that’s another plus, and I firmly believe they still don’t know how they want Supernatural to end (or even what the next season’s theme is going to be) so a character like Crowley is a godsend, because when weird shit needs to happen or you suddenly need drama or whatever, you can always count on someone like that to make it happen (and that’s another reason why I don’t think Crowley will become human any time soon: it would severely limit the weird shit they can pull off) - which means, it’s likely they’ll keep him around for a while. And also: his death would bring nothing, narratively, to the table. For instance, John’s death and Bobby’s death sort of made sense, because the boys had some growing up to do, and killing someone like Cain or defeating Lucifer was important because it told us our boys are on the Good side even when it’s difficult, but now we know all this. 

To me - if we’re looking at the very end, there are only two ways this makes sense: either Crowley is killed off, or sacrifices himself, in some heartwrenching scenario so that his death will mean Cas or Dean or even Sam lives, or he becomes human - my headcanon is that he’ll still know how to do magic, because I’m a sucker for magician!Crowley - and walks away from the boys entirely. If Supernatural ends in tragedy, then it’s the first option all the way; but if its end is more like, there are no more monsters and you’re now free to open a car repair shop, then it only makes sense that both Cas and Crowley become human. Cas will be the sort of human who still stares up at the sky from time to time and will lie to Dean when Dean asks and say it’s okay (hopefully, Dean won’t believe a word of it and kiss him extra hard that night), and Crowley - Crowley likes to be the centre of attention, so I’m thinking politics. Or maybe he’ll hoodwink his way to the very top of a renowned auction house and meet some wealthy widow at his local golf club, and that will be it - a sort of happy ending, and the occasional drunk call to Dean to reminisce about that happy, happy summer they once had.

[demonologist-in-denim]

About “At The Crossroads”

I didn’t want to post a whole long author’s note on AO3 for this fic, and I didn’t want to muddle the fic by posting a second chapter. So instead, here are just some random ramblings I wrote up as I was working on At The Crossroads.

Another Long-Ass Author’s Note (That You Should Not Feel Obliged To Read)

How The Hell Did We Get Here?

I don’t actually know where this fic diverged from the canon, what events transpired that Crowley opens a pub, of all things. It feels like whatever happened, happened in late-season 10, and this fic picks up in season 13-14? Here’s what I do know for sure: Something very bad happened.

While he’s grateful for it after the fact, Crowley likely didn’t consent to the cure the second time any more than he did to the first. I’m not sure what circumstances would arise that the Winchesters forced the cure on Crowley a second time, and then unkindly prodded him along in his humanity. “You bloody well beat it into me, didn’t you?” Likely Crowley wasn’t very far along in his new life, still struggling with the crushing weight of his actions, but beginning to find purchase in a friendship with Dean, when they lost Dean to whatever happened. Dean somehow became a demon, and abandoned the others to wreak havoc in the world. He’s been gone for some time, and their failing to save Dean did some serious damage to the others. Dark days all around, is all I can imagine. And that’s all I have for you.

The Besotted Wandered & The Resigned Enabler

It was unintentional, but Cas’ and Crowley’s relationship became the heart of this fic.

I originally just kind of wrote Cas in as slumped across the end of the bar, occasionally visiting, being this emotionally distant connection Crowley has to his past with the Winchesters and demonhood. But in the initial draft, I typed out that the cure would take some time, and the only thing Gus needed was to keep everyone else – the pub regulars, hunters, the extended Winchester network – from complicating things by learning he’s captured the demonic Dean. And then the next sentence just had Cas stumbling into the pub. So there they were, the two of them, and suddenly a fic that had been about Crowley getting to be some other version of himself became about Crowley making due as some other version of himself, and all of them leaning on one another, stumbling their way towards their shared humanity.

And as I wrote it, I loved the new dynamic between Cas and Crowley. “…their previous roles as divine retribution and smarmy toad” when they were an angel and a demon, their more recent roles, not so much reversed as juxtaposed, as “besotted wandered and resigned enabler.” Just that image of Crowley as the resigned enabler defined everything about his relationships and his identity in this fic.

And ultimately, Crowley would not really have succeeded alone. He would have cured Dean, eventually, but I’m not sure Crowley alone could really pull Dean out of the darkness that would have lingered even after his humanity had been fully restored. I don’t think Cas could have done it on his own either, too forgiving, too loving to deal out the necessary “tough love” that comes from Crowley’s own experience. In this fic, Crowley is the one who does not need saving – it’s Cas and Dean that need to be saved, but they had to do it together.

And Don’t Call Me “Gus”

At the Crossroads is one of those fics that germinates from a small concept into something much larger. I was thinking about whether or not Crowley, after completing the cure and joining the Winchesters, would need to go by a maligned alias when around the demon-hunting portion of the supernatural community.

We know from canon that Crowley hates the name Fergus, and Rowena’s mocking use of the name certainly didn’t help endear it to him again three hundred years later. But the matter remains that had Crowley closed the Gates of Hell, completed the cure, or in any other way joined the Winchesters, being known by the name “Crowley” could have put him in a bit of hot water in the supernatural community. There might have been hunters or witches or whoever who heard the name and recognized it from when he was doing dark, demonic deeds. For his own safety, as well as to earn the trust of others, he might have needed to go by a different name.

Do I want him to go by another name? Absolutely not. Do I think he would have actually chosen to go by Gus? Absolutely not. I imagine he started going by Fergus MacLeod again – when around other hunters and working in the supernatural community – and being Americans, they shortened it to Gus, and it stuck. To his annoyance, and eventual resignation.

But that is just for this fic. I honestly think that if Crowley had become one of the boys, he would have kept on using his chosen name, and dealt with the consequences. Because that’s one of the many things spn is (supposed to be) all about, isn’t it? Self-determination and consequences? Crowley chose that name for himself, it’s who he is now, not Fergus. And yes, he is still responsible for all the “horrible, evil, messy things” he did. And when encountering someone who recognizes that name as belonging to the King of Hell or a demon they had dealings with, Crowley would have needed to deal with the emotional and relationship consequences of that.

For this fic, I just enjoyed the thought experiment of him going by a nickname, having grown into it over the years. With the Winchesters gone from his life, and Cas only an occasional visitor, it would have allowed him to explore who he is now entirely removed from his past. (I also wrote a little ficlet here about how he comes by that nickname through Eileen in my other works, and hates it, but puts up with it for her sake. He doesn’t so much grow fond of it as sees it the same way as Dean and Sam eventually accept “Moose” and “Squirrel” as terms of endearment.)

Why Didn’t The Cure Just Work?

For this fic to really work, the cure needed to take time. And because I really enjoyed the idea that neither Crowley nor Castiel’s blood is human enough or “pure” enough to cure a demon. In the show, it’s never made clear how the process of repentance “purifies” someone enough to make their blood suitable for the cure. The show writers just cobbled it together from more obscure Judeo-Christian conceptions about prayer and forgiveness and omnipotent moral judgement. How much penance is enough? What if the “greatest sin” you confess isn’t what that obscure, divine moral judge (ugh) believes or knows to be your greatest sin? So forth and so on in the questions and uncertainties.

So I really like the idea that Crowley, even being human, with everything he’s done can never quite be pure enough to just perform the cure in one 8-hour session. He’s got to keep delving back into the black pit of his own atrocities that he had thought he’d left behind him, face what he’s done, bear the weight of that, repent it, and then is clean enough to administer another dose. Really dragging out the whole process for both him and demon!Dean. And Cas? I just really liked the idea that whoever he is now, whatever he’s become after losing Dean and becoming human, it hasn’t been good. He’s got a lot to make up for as well. None of them are clean, none of them are innocent, and all of them – even the two that are currently human – are all on this road towards humanity together.

Chekhov’s Gun Never Went Off

I broke a cardinal rule of storytelling in this fic, and I’ll be honest, it’s not sitting well with me. The principle of Chekhov’s Gun, if you’re not familiar with it, is that if there is a gun present in the first act of a play, it must go off by the third act. In essence, a good storyteller does not make false promises. In At The Crossroads, I present and never fire the gun that is the British Men of Letters and their unwelcome dominion over American hunters. Making as many references to that situation as I did, the reader would be right to expect that the British Men of Letters would play at least some part in the later events of the story. And the fact that they do not is something of a narrative let down.

I intended to write the British Men of Letters into the story, I really did. They became relevant through a smaller story arc of one of three pub regulars, each one a fully developed character who served to demonstrate to the reader the ways Gus was involved in the supernatural community, and how his and Cas’ broadening partnership in the later half of the fic changed the atmosphere of the pub. But those smaller arcs cluttered up the story, so I sadly felt like it was necessary to cut them out. (Maybe I can write a separate little fic based off this one, where we get to meet them? After all, they’re not actually OCs.) The references to the British Men of Letters stayed, because they are very much a part of the background of the world in which Gus was living and in which this story takes place. So while it doesn’t sit well with me that this particular Chekhov’s gun never went off, I hope it’s understandable why that happened.

Where Are The Chips/Steak Fries To Go With This Pint?

Recently, I’ve written a lot of fics about Crowley making food in some form or another. And since The Crossroads is a pub, and pubs (unlike most bars) typically serve some food, why didn’t I write Crowley making and serving food in this fic?

Because the Crowley in At The Crossroads is not a happy Crowley. He is making the best of a bad situation. The people he cares for are either lost to him, or are in a mad spiral of self-destruction and do not want to be saved from it. As much as The Crossroads is a communal space for the supernatural community, it is not communal for Crowley in the way that the bunker is in my other fics. In this fic, he’s found other, less personally demanding ways to care for people. He’s emotionally drained, and doesn’t have it in him. And that’s why there is very little mention of “cooking with Crowley” in this fic, other than towards the end as things begin to improve.