#but i wasnt sure if you were asking bc its a personal trigger so i felt like i should just avoid them for now

[yyxandere]

ohh lets do soemthing fluffy. How about yandere kazuma kiryu with a darling who wants to just marry him...maybe even wants to have kids😳😳 (you can ignore this request if its weird no worries 😊)

･ ｡ﾟ☆ 𝐁𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔.

[♡]ー ꒱・！CHARACTER！:: KIRYU KAZUMA.

✧.* gender/pronouns ─ 'You' and 'She/Her' pronouns

✩.* note ─ THIS IS SO BAD BRO, IDK WHAT I DID WRONG, MAYBE ITS BC I RUSHED THIS?! SO IM SO SORRY ANON IF THIS WASNT UP TO UR EXPECTATIONS

✩.* TRIGGER WARNINGS ─Kind off intimate, Minor Violence Mentioned and it’s very much fluffy

The moonlight shone on you made you look melancholic, Kiryu then asked himself if this was really the right thing but such thoughts were immediately lost when he looked. The moon shone upon two lovers in bed, both in a state of relaxation, one of her hands lay atop the man on her chest, and the other lay on his waist, her lips on his forehead, as the man's eyebrows only creased not because of discomfort but because of the comfort ness his beloved is giving him. He closed his eyes as he enjoyed the feeling she gave him; she was his heaven, his salvation, his everything. His soulmate.

She pulled back from their embrace and kissed each cheek with affection before moving down to his nose and finally kissing his lips as a sweet melody filled the air. The woman then raised the hand that was in his waist to his back, to slowly trace the tattoo that shows his life, his struggles, and the person he is.

The Dragon of Dojima, a ruthless man who can take on a whole clan to himself, a respectable man who will always put a strong face, but when it comes to you, he just can't keep his composure, Kiryu Kazuma can't.

She looks up at him once again, smiling adoringly, and whispers “You're the love of my life, Kazuma.” She leans down to kiss his forehead once more.

He feels so blessed to be loved by such a beautiful soul like hers. As they embraced their love for each other as his head was in her chest, he only had one thing in mind. . .

"Are you really sure you want to stay with me (Y/N)?" Kiryu said in a low voice. He looked at her through his eyelashes, and his face seemed to show the slightest hint of sadness. He could hear the heart in the position he was in maybe it was your heart that comforted him to say such a thing, maybe he was scared that one day he wouldn't be able to hear each drum of your hand but only your cold hands.

"Why ask Kazuma?" you replied as you closed your eyes and then started stroking his hair. A gesture you knew very well that calms Kazuma.

"Well, I'm just. . . scared. . .that one day you're going to be put in the mess because of the life I choose."

Scared.

He never said such words even to those who are closest to him, Kiryu is a protector he is the one willing to tank all wounds just for the one close to him and that also implied to you too, and of course, you understand, the dragon in his back significance his way, the path he courageously took. Kiryu Kauzma is scared. Scared that one day he'll never feel your fingers around his hand or your lips anywhere on his face, while you mumble the sweetest things to him, or maybe he won't have more memories of you cooking for Haruka or being there for the both of them.

"Oh, Kazuma. I knew what I was getting myself into when I first laid my eyes on you, but when the day I kissed you, the day I told you that I'm willing to be yours forever, I truly mean that." You said softly, Kazuma knew this but whatever power you hold, whenever you told him that you love him with all your heart he just can't help but doubt.

"Before you say anything, I know that you're doubting me not because of my love but my commitment to you. " Kiryu looked up to you and let you continue, "And so of that, please don't be afraid to be mine and trust in my commitment."

"You know Kazuma. . . I've always wondered what I will look like in a white dress, while you wear a whole black yukata." Such a comment had a chokehold on Kazuma.

"W-What do you mean by that?. . ." Kiryu said as he jolted and looked into your eyes. He was trying to find any kind of lies, but only he saw was real compassion and honesty of what you just said.

"Well, I'm trying to say is, if you really feel that way, then let's get married Kazuma, will the ring on my finger convince you?" You said straight to his eyes, implying that you were serious.

"Then if you want we can have children of our own. To show my love for you." You then move closer to him hugging his bare chest.

He looks down, blushing deeply. It would be easy enough to agree to a marriage, after all, he doesn't think he'd ever refuse you anything anyway, even his life, but why would you want children of your own? You guys already have Haruka, but why does the image of you holding both Haruka and her younger sibling warm his heart?

Will they have your eyes? Your hair? Maybe they're going to have your smile? Maybe they're going to inherit his eyes or maybe both of your eyes? But he knew that the enemies of his past would always hunt him no matter what, but it's your wish, your dream, and he'll do anything for you including protecting your dream. After a pregnant pause, you finally spoke up.

"Of course Kazuma we don't have to get married if you like-"

"I'll do it."

You open your mouth to let out a quiet gasp. The softness of his reply showed how vulnerable he is to you, showing just how much you mean to him. You couldn't stop smiling softly even if you tried. Your love is like the sun, radiating light everywhere he goes and everyone he encounters.

"I am willing to marry you (Y/N) if that's what you want to. . ." he said as he now grasped your knuckles and brought it to his lips. The contrast of his rough hands to your soft ones.

The moon shone on you and made you look ethereal, a true goddess in his eyes, your beauty is truly something to behold, but Kazuma falls for your sweet personality only getting stern when needed too. He loves the way your eyes glimmer with care whenever you're around Haruka, your voice whenever you talk passionately about something, and most of all, you understand him. You are what he needs in his gloomy life a light that contrasts him, you are like an angel sent upon the higher one, maybe you guys are just meant for each other. He will not let anyone get in the way of both of your love.

"I'll protect your dream (Y/N), your dream is mine too, I'll give you everything you asked for, I will keep protecting you and Haruka till my last breath, that is my promise to you. . . as your future husband." His expression became softer, his eyes shining in the night and you found yourself leaning your head against his shoulder to feel him to you, and he knew that he would marry the right woman, who would stay with him till his remaining breath. He will say it countless times, he will protect you and Haruka no matter what, even if it means having blood on his knuckles, anything for his wife and his future children . . .

(Y/N) Kazuma is such a fitting name. . .

[lorisystem]

I hope its ok to answer to this post with some advice as someone who has a system and is in in treatment for complex dissociative disorders.

I recognize myself a bit in that person you described- i'm 28 now, but at around that age i could probably have said something like that person said and i wasnt diagnosed or nothing at the time.

When i was at around that age my switches were obvious to me while they arent so much now. At the time i was in a highly volatile and traumatic environment and my alters were very obvious to me and i thought i could track every switch (not actually true, i was just triggered a lot so got a lot more overt switches and the more covert ones flew under the radar). I could also switch "on demand" (again not actually really accurate, just bc of the context i was co-con a lot with many of my alters and assumed some wrong things).

I have no idea how obvious my switches were at the time but im willing to bet they weren't so obvious. On that topic i want to say that in OSDD and even in many forms of DID switches are not always obvious (especially if its an "easy" switch). Many people diagnosed with DID have covert switches.

Truth is you can't know if this person has DID/OSDD or another complex dissociative disorder for sure. Even specialized medical staff can get it wrong tbh. But it doesn't matter.

My advice is really don't invalidate them because if they think they have DID, that means they have had things happen to them they consider traumatic. They looked up DID and looked at their history and feel it's traumatic and no matter how you feel about that there's nothing worse than to be told or made understood that when you went through wasn't "that bad", it's subjective. So if you doubt they have DID/OSDD they might think you think their trauma isn't valid.

Don't necessarily encourage them either, though. It can be harmful also to lock oneself in thinking one has something (DID or other) but IMO you're better off letting them come to their own conclusions and seek the help they need for what they need. You can listen to them talk about it without judgement and encourage them to discuss their concerns with a therapist/trusted adult.

If it's not DID they'll find out at some point. Don't invalidate their system though, whether it's a DID, OSDD, or something else. If it's not a dissociative "disorder" (as in not considered pathological/actively harmful to their life) it can still be a coping mechanism, maybe the alters aren't exactly like in DID or something but they're still an important part of that person's life and identity. It's not harmful to take an interest in them and ask about them and interact with them etc- just communicate with your friend and establish boundaries if needed.

Also encourage them to seek the help they need if they're able to (depending on their context that can be retraumatizing so proceed with caution and don't force it if you notice they aren't receptive).

I hope this helps somewhat and I'm open to giving more advice if you have more questions.

Take care

DID/OSDD tumblr I have a question!

First of all, I understand that y'all are not professionals. I unfortunately can't talk to a professional about this, though, but rest assured I won't take your answers as the absolute truth and nothing but the truth.

So someone I know, the age of 15, tells me that they believe they have DID or OSDD. Okay, good to know, I think. They tell me that at age 11 they realized that they had headmates (they didn't know what headmates were then but they knew they had people in their head.) They also tell me that switching is fast and easy for them. They then demonstrate this by switching fast between headmates. I found this a bit suspicous, but I'd like to hear if this is normal and possible for some systems. They also named over ten alters, should they make a syslist? Should I tell them to make a syslist?

So I tell them "If that's okay, would your headmates be able to tell me if they're fronting?" And they say yes. A few minutes later, one of them says they are fronting and says their name. I notice that this alter's speech, mannerisms, posture, and voice are they same, and that they share a lot of the same interests. Is this OSDD1a? I don't know. Can system tumblr help me?

[liquidstar]

do you have any anime recs that don't have the Ick Factor? 🤔

Idk if the pun is intentional but “the ick factor” sounds like a version of the x factor where contestants sing as badly as possible to win. 

Anyway i can think of a couple but PLEASE keep in mind these are all off the top of my head so i might not remember every single scene in the show… These are pretty much the most “clean” ones i can think of but depending on your tolerance there are more that might just have a few “meh” jokes here and there that you can mostly ignore.

a place further than the universe, its about four highschool girls that are friends and go to antarctica.

For something more action-packed, vivy: fluorite eye’s song didnt have anything weird or gross in it from what i remember. This could also be attributed to the fact that most of the characters are adults (or, rather, robots programed to be adults). I think the absolute most that happens still is that vivy fights in a sports bra once or twice

Theres also heaven’s design team, its really cute and its just about a team of angels making animals. Some of the girls wear revealing clothes but again theyre all adults. 

Also cells at work for another edutainment type show. But not code:black lol

For more obvert comedy i dont think nozaki-kun had anything creepy in it at all, especially for a highschool romcom series lmao

Also ive been watching the anne of green gables anime adaptation and anything like that is completely lacking, but idk if that “counts” since its an adaptation of a book. still think its sweet though, very ghibli feel (bc theres staff overlap including miyazaki)

Little witch academia didnt have anything creepy in it from what i remember either especially for a trigger series. also very very gay :thumbsup: same goes for BNA but idk if id recomend that one lol

Zombieland saga is also pretty good, as long as they dont do anything weird w sakura and kotaro in season 3. theres a part in season 2 where a teen character has a crush on an adult but he tells her shes too young so :thumbsup:

Otherside picnic is also pretty good so far, both the characters are adults and also just dress like Normal Women which i find refreshing

For movies there’s a silent voice, I think theres just like once scene where two girls talk about boobs for a second and the main guy gets flustered and leaves and thats it. (edit: be warned this one will make you feel so many emotions tho)

anyway i tried to avoid putting stuff thats blatant kids shows on the list, aside from maybe anne of green gables but come on thats a classic lol.

and im sure theres plenty more that just didnt come to my mind so i dont mind ppl replying w others. sadly its a bit hard to recall Every Show Ive Ever Seen, not to mention ones i havent!

[gothamdad]

THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS PART ONE: CINEMATIC WRONGS AND ANALYSIS COMMENTARY

DO NOT REBLOG.

This is going to be a bullet point list of incidents that occur in the movie, and will either have my general commentary or an analysis of what makes the scene terrible (or in some rare cases, good). TRIGGERS FOR SUICIDE, MENTAL HEALTH, AND DYSMORPHIA 

-bruce trying to kill himself in the beginning of the movie. 

Hes reckless, and willing to risk his life, but not suicidal. But he just purposefully gets into a wreck at 2 minutes into the movie?? for no reason??? theres literally no reason for it other than it being angsty bc they COULDVE started the movie with the mutants doing crime, as the next scene cuts right into it and the following news reports 

-"This reporter hopes that wherever he is, hes enjoying a toast with good friends" said when its the anniversary of batman’s disappearance 

this is stupid I hate this movie. You're telling me Gotham forgives Batman for just disappearing on them? DID THAT NOT HAPPEN IN NML AND EVERYONE GOT PISSED??? Like everyone in this movie seems to have forgot he abandoned the city. Not to mention, and I'm gonna go off on a tangent here, bruce will be batman for as long as he lives. He calls himself batman in his mind even when hes retired. He believes that Bruce wayne is the mask. His whole identity is batman. Saying that hed quit because of jason is not only stupid because it implies Jason's death isnt just as important as his parents, but shows that any tragedy is enough to permanently knock him down. And as if the league, or the family, would have let him give up. Anyway the whole reason the retirement in batman beyond works is because it shows bruce was going to fight until he literally died on the spot, but instead he pointed a gun, didn't even use it, just pointed it, and he realized he wasnt fit to HONOR batman anymore. He broke the rule. And he doesnt deserve to wear the mantle. This is so good because 1) bruce still wants to be batman and 2) it doesnt imply that he gave up at all, and at this point with his decreasing wellness his family WOULD be telling him to stop

-Gordon toasts with Bruce on the anniversary

FBKSBSOANSISSB OH MY GOD IT JUST SHOWED HIM SHARING A TOAST WITH GORDON. this is the anniversary of the last time batman is sighted and gordon. JIM FUCKING GORDON. Is celebrating. When they were literally partners and hed shine the batsignal each night TELL ME WHERE THE LOGIC IS!!! I CANT FIND THE LOGIC!!!!! I'm literally 3 minutes into this movie..... and already this is how its going...

-Gordon and Bruce talk

"You're not worried about me, are you?" Asked when hes in clear danger of being attacked by mutants "noT MorE tHAn i aM tHe ReST oF tHis CItY" ah yes. I forgot that Bruce hated gotham and jim Gordon. My mistake. Common misconception.

-the mutants are introduced

Ugh and it's the worst kind of villains too, jim just described the mutants as "the worst kind of criminals. They are only after violence, with no humanity at all" GIVE! VILLAINS! REASONING! I hate these joker wannabes Joker was already enough we dont need a million more "lol I'm just evil deal with it" villains

"Talk to Dick lately?"asks Gordon "You know I havent" Bruce responds

THIS CONVERSATION IS GETTING W O R S E BC I KNOW HOW THIS MOVIE GOES AND HE JUST INSTANTLY HAS CARRIE BE THE NEW ROBIN- WHICH, IS N O T BRUCE'S TO GIVE. ITS ALWAYS BEEN DICK'S MANTLE TO PASS DOWN- WHEN HE HASNT BEEN SPEAKING TO DICK????

-tangent on how it’s overlooked that Dick Grayson was the one to make Robin, not Batman

This is a sin that not just the movie, but the batman franchise in general seems to always make. Robin was made as a tribute to the flying graysons, and is meant to be colorful and aerodynamic for acrobatic tricks. it should always be dick’s to pass down, or the next robin after. 

-Bruce begins having trouble with holding back his urge to be Batman

His whole wanting to be batman again thing started because of a newspaper with a family's death and pearls being sold. On the same front cover. I'm. THATS WHEN HE REMEMBERS HIS PARENTS? NOT EVERY FUCKING TIME HE HEARS A GUNSHOT? OR CLOSES HIS EYES? OR SEES BLOOD? HE READS A NEWSPAPER THATS FLOATING IN THE WIND??????NOT EVERY TIME HE LOOKS AT JASONS COSTUME? OR THE OTHER CRIMES COMMITTED??????LOGIC!!!!!!!!!! I NEED !!!! TO KNOW!!!!! WHERE IT IS!!!!!!!! ARE U KIDDING ME NOW THE MARK OF ZORRO, WHICH IS WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW OLD NOW, IS ON TV??????????? AND HE JUST HAPPENS TO FLIP TO THE CHANNEL.. Batman telling bruce "you've tried to hold me back. But you're weak. Ypu know it in your soul. You're nothing but a hollow shell." Is so STUPID!! WHY HAS HE BEEN FIGHTING BEING BATMAN!!!!!!!!!! BRUCE SHOULD WANT TO BE BATMAN!!!! AND HATE HAVING TO NOT BE!!!! AND A BAT FLYING INTO HIS WINDOW AGAIN???? STOP THE FUCKING CLICHES IM SICK OF THIS . UR NOT BEING NEXT LEVEL, MOVIE. ITS JUST DUMB. ITS DUMB!!!

-Carrie Kelly

her first ??? Appearance??? Is her going into KNOWN MUTANT GANG TERRITORY instead of going through the rain. And scolding her friend for not having backbone WHEN THEY COULD LITERALLY DIE and saying, and I quote, "its better than out there." then when interviewed about the incident her friend says  "It was a flying monster! With wings and fangs!" and she replies with "Reality check, Michelle, it was definitely a man, but he had to be like 12 feet tall" OH YEAH THATS VERY REALISTIC CARRIE. Shes an asshole to her friend and we're supposed to like her.  Oh and Carrie's reason for wanting to be robin? She saw the bat signal while her parents were talking about public marches. That's it. That's her reason. Not because she was attacked by mutants and almost died.

-Giving the movie credit

Okay but if theres another thing I'll give credit for, and I'm sure its unintentional, is that Harvey is the first criminal he wants to take down. Because Harvey is always going to be Bruce's priority. He didnt go after the mutants, but Two-Face. And the way that confrontation goes when it’s revealed harvey thinks both sides of his face are scarred. the Arkham staff fixed his scars before he was ready for treatment, and his mental health wasn’t priority. he was going to have dysmorphia either way, but not treating mental illness worsened it.  kinda? good writing? But I think it was unintentional to have the idea that Arkham didnt know what they were doing and the belief that scars are important before trauma, and how trauma has to be helped first. I dont believe for an instant that's what's meant. 

-Carrie Kelly part two

She gets a Robin costume and goes out onto the roof and is like.... almost dies. THEN THE NEXT SCENE WE SEE HER SHES LIKE COMPLETELY ACROBATIC? WHY IS SHE SO ACROBATIC NOW!!! THIS TAKES PRACTICE!!!

-Batman confronting the man who supplied the mutant gang with guns

Oh, this scene...He hands a guy a gun, knowing full well that he was depressed because his wife was dying and he had to make more money to save her by supplying the mutants with weapons, and just walks away as he kills himself. (input from a friend which i like:  think about everything bruce did to help mr freeze and his wife now think about this scene )

Batman vs Mutants 

oh, and the "batmobile". Aka his tank. Rubber bullets. Ok fine, whatever, but RUNNING THEM OVER AND SHOOTING MISSCLES ISNT LETHAL? AND HOW IS CARRIE KELLY GOOD AT FIGHTING ALL OF THEM WHEN SHE COULDNT HANDLE HERSELF WITH ONE LIKE A WEEK AGO.  hate that the mutant leader is just a ripoff of bane with long pointed nipples I hate this. I hate that batman cant take him down, but carrie kelly can. AND THE MUTANT LEADRER TOTALLY DIED WHEN BRUCE THREW ADHESIVE ON HIS FACE AND HE WAS SUFFOCATED BUT LATER ON IT SHOWS HE LIVES ??

Bruce talks to Carrie 

"What is this thing?" -carrie "Dick called it the batmobile" -bruce "SIR!!" -alfred over the radio There are no words. Then she pops his arm into place and creates a makeshift cast And he says "where'd you learn to do that?” and because she’s a mary sue she says nothing, because miller doesnt know why she should, so he cuts to "what's your name?" and she says "Carrie. Carrie Kelly. robin" and HE FUCKING GOES "MINES BRUCE." and then immediately tells Alfred hes bringing "robin" to the cave. I hate it here I hate that he forgets what happened to Jason aFTER ITS HIS LITERAL REASON FOR QUITTING. WHAT IS THE POINT IF HE’S GOING TO ACCEPT THIS GIRL HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW AS ROBIN?

-Bruce talks about Jason

OH BRUCE'S FUCKING LINE. HIS LINE. IM FURIOUS Alfred asks "have you forgotten what happened to Jason?" And he says "I'll never forget. he was a good soldier. He honored me" I AM !!!! SHAKING!!!! WITH HOW MAD !!!! I AM!!! Bruce would NOT say that shit. Implying that jason wasnt his son, or that jason was only a casualty in a war, or that HE FUCKING HONORED HIM AND NOT THE CITY, OR THE TITLE OF ROBIN "He honored me" shut the fuck up I hate this and dont even get me started on the misconceptions of Robin in the first place. i dont want to go into the debate on whether or not they’re soldiers, which I personally don’t believe. but its just stupid because Jason considered being Robin the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he was THE BEST. it wasnt his fault he was killed, either. 

-The ending

So the mutant escapes his cell by going through a VENT. A . V E N T. AND ENDS UP IN THE SEWER. I hate that these mutants are just an army of evil people and have no motivation and the leader is just a brute I fucking hate Bruce calling him "son" And the mutants become the sons of batman who fight crime......??? because their leader is gone?? werent they supposed to be evil criminals with no humanity in them?

-Joker

Okay but Joker being absent the entire first part , only to show up in the end hearing news reports about batman, and then smiling as he stands up and just fucking creepily says "darling" holy shit that gave me goosebumps. another credit i have to give. 

[stray-tori]

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP 

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS 

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS 

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE 

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

No

NO

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :((( 

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more 

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message 

why 

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

[msiopao]

Sera with the Members

a/n: mark is in this because dream is now a fixed unit and he’s part of the lineup!!!!!!

WATERMELON ADDICT

was the person who made Sera comfortable since he reminded her of home

always asks if canadian bacon is better than american bacon

‘i dONt kNoW, sERa! mEAT iS mEaT!’

she didnt actually cry on stage when he was leaving but she cried when it was just the two of them and he recorded for the last time

it was her idea for hyuck to buy him a big bottle of ketchup

CANNOT believe that mark was a churchboy and ends up acting up in music videos

the duality SCARES her

calls her finny since her name is serafina

sera has her own room but she has an extra bed so he sleeps in there when he spends the night

learned this watermelon shake to help mark’s hangover

english all the time

ever since they met, mark has always placed his elbow on her head due to her short height

sera learned this fried rice recipe from her mom and he goes over to their dorm for breakfast

‘mark bls dont touch anything. get out of the kitchen and go watch tv or something’

always brings up his messed up eggs

‘gordon spitting facts tho’

whenever he feels too overworked or too pressured, sera has always made it a point to come over to their dorm and have a movie night with just the 2 of them with his favorite snacks and drinks

LONJIN

omg these two

sera is typically not mean but when renjun starts, she becomes ruthless

always calling out his fake personality

‘everyone, don’t believe him! he’s 2 faced!’

‘what are you even saying! you act like you’re so quirky and giggly but you yeeted jisung into the wall last night!’

‘YAH!’

so yea, they fight a lot

but its very playful and they know where that line is drawn and not cross it

he talks to her about space and aliens and she listens to every word bc renjun sounds so confident and happy whenever he talks about that stuff

they’re actually 10 days apart but sera acts like she’s 10 years older than him

‘IS THAT HOW YOU TALK TO SOMEONE OLDER?!’

‘okay, granny’

always in awe whenever renjun draws and paints and she really likes seeing him in his element

unbeknowst to her, he actually draws her a lot

wants to frame all of his work 

they go out to the roof and stargaze

he steals her airpods just to watch her go crazy

once hid her phone in the fridge

lives for his vocals

cannot believe how much he’s grown from chewing gum era to now

her heart strings were tugged when he cried in dnyl

renjun always says that he wishes sera was born as his little sister bc they act like they’re siblings

EYESMILE PRINCE

hmm

so their is kinda complicated

sera’s closest to him than all the members bc 1, he was her first friend and 2, he has cats

before, when they still went to school, her and jeno always went together

yes, jaemin and jeno and her went together in the beginning

but jaemin was in the hospital and recovering so it just became them 2

also, she goes to visit his parents so she can see his cats

this results to his parents and older sister adoring her

‘bongsik, nal, and seol are my kids’ - lee sera, 00 line vlive

she always craves for attention and when it isnt given bc he’s too busy playing, she just walks into his room and sits on his lap while he plays

tries to get his attention by saying stuff but he teases her by acting like she aint there

‘fine, i’ll go to jaemin’

jeno wasnt supposed to be blonde for the comeback but they were just messing around and next thing they knew, jeno’s tips were bleach blonde

when shes on that,,,, time,,,,, hes the only one in the dorm she listens to

not even johnny, who’s practically her father

collabs with her mukbang show and jsmr

he mentions her like at least once whenever he has lives that she’s not in

steals his glasses all the time just to watch him wander around with this confused adorable face

hugs are so cute w these two and czennies see them hugging in videos and she can barely reach his shoulder 

forehead kisses and sweater paws for daysss

NANA

drop dead gorgeous boy

shes not safe from jaemin’s affections

*cue jeno glaring at him for stealing her*

we all know how much he loves the members and whenever sera breathes, he busts his uwus

takes so many pictures of her

sera buys him lots of lip balms and carmex but he always forgets to put them on

sera hates peaches but she buys him peach flavored sweets whenever she sees them

‘NANA!!’

sera is also an attention whore so she always runs to him and wraps her arms around him and he squeals by how cute she is

bought him an expensive camera for his birthday

has a polaroid picture of him in her clear phone case

actually, her phone background is an old picture of predebut sera, jeno, and jaemin

one of the rare moments where she cried was when she found out that jaemin wouldnt be in a few comebacks bc he was sick

kept visiting him and jaemin cannot repay her enough

the dorm is full of ryan and winnie plushies from the sofa, a tiny winnie plush on the corner of the island counter, and their bedrooms

sera is the one who always throws away the his satanic drink even though it’s still full

‘yah, you need to think about your health and if it your body is tired, dont fight it by trying to drink these to keep your energy’

sleepovers with them are often and sometimes found sleeping on the spare bed in her room

FULL SUN

our big babie

oh boi when he got hurt

sera called him twice a day, one in the morning and one at night, just to check if it’s still hurting and making sure he’s resting

forever remembers when he dressed up as a girl 

‘you see, i’m not the only girl member. dongsuk is just on hiatus right now’

his name on her phone is ‘man-child’

when he went on tour with 127, she really missed him

like she missed him so much that she kept posting on instagram for him to hurry back home

still mad that he moved dorms to be with the older members

when sera got sick, she made him sing ‘no longer’ to her like a lullaby

when he asks sera to do something for him, usually she says no because he asks her to do ridiculous things but his aegyo always convinces her

thinks his color amblyopia is so fascinating and adds more into the unique traits he has

another attention giver and she loves hugging him because he gives really warm hugs

one time, jeno and sera had a fight and it got so bad that hyuck had to be called and he was the only one who got to talk some sense in sera to talk to jeno

but the legendary markhyuck summer fight was resolved because sera yelled at them and cried since they are best friends and they shouldnt be like that to each other

they made up since ‘wow sera cried’ and ‘the members are ready to beat us up if we continue this’

and by members, like all members, including the older ones

sera knows how much being the moodmaker title burdens him so she tries to ease that burden by talking to him just the two of them

DOLPHIN CHILD

look how adorable he is UWU

he is 1/2 of sera’s sons

like she’s whipped for him and jisung and he knows it too

‘noona~’

‘yes, i will give you the world, the stars, and the moon’

thinks his laugh is endearing and is sad that it isnt that high-pitched anymore since his voice got a little deeper

cannot believe how much he’s grown too

when he speaks in chinese, sera thinks its the cutest thing 

‘can we give his scalp some rest? its not healthy for the boy’

trust fund babies

you know how chenle has 3 airpods?

sera went through 4 phones since she keeps losing or breaking it

dont ask how bc shes as clumsy as namjoon

had this phase where he wouldn’t stop back-hugging his noona and she just left it alone

always buys him snacks and cooks him a lot of food bc she thinks he’s too skinny and wants him to be healthy and gain some fat on those cheeks again

on their break, she went to china with jisung and her lock screen is a picture of her and chenle holding his nephew

triggered her baby fever

czennies ship them but he makes it clear she’s the older sister he’s never had

nct dream took a vacation to her hometown and she bought them basketball tickets so chenle could see his idol

his mom practically adopted her since she goes over to his apartment all the time whenever the others are getting too much for her

she misses him so much its not even funny

JISUNG PWARK

our maknae is growing up :(

sera had the whole family sit and watch the first episode of dancing high

so proud of her boy

she called him during the show and it was shown and heard about her telling him to take care of himself and to not be too hard on his body and that she’s waiting for him at home

as the youngest member overall, sera babies him the most

he obvs takes advantage of it and she used to cuddle him to sleep when he was younger bc he had a hard time sleeping

again, cooks for him a lot since he’s a growing boy and making sure he takes vitamins and drinks water and limit sugary things

she calls his mom to give him updates about her son

remember his phone that he used until it actually died?

sera actually bought him a new one before that happened and just casually gave it to him

‘i know this was going to happen so i just took care of it. i have to take care of you, jisung-ah’

hypes him up whenever he dances bc wow this boy is actually talented

doesnt really like skinship but he tolerates it when she holds his hands bc theyre so much bigger than hers

one day just woke up and she got so confused when jisung grew up

‘did you grow in your sleep?’

‘n-no?’

loves his awkward nature and she keeps saying how adorable he is and cute he is whenever he acts cool

god, she’s just so whipped for him

but tbh, who isn’t?

aaaahhhhhh i cannot believe our wish came true and they became a fixed unit and we really getting a comeback and an mv in the 29th!!!

[arodrwho]

ok so like

ways caleb has interacted with the secret rooms:

visited a heavy trauma memory his first night in the tower - 3 chairs, implied to be the residuum experiment chamber

he did this the night of the dinner with ikithon, astrid, & eadwulf - def not a coincidence

that was a massive trigger - of course he immediately went to revisit that trauma

i also think it's very relevant that the room had three chairs - this was a trauma they went through together

i think it somewhat was the latter caleb was clinging to that night, in addition to the obvious emotional self-harm

after that awful dinner, why WOULDN'T he want to remember a time they were there for each other through awful times? he's so hoping for that now, for them to join him in taking ikithon down

(astrid said race you to the top, but he wants to collab, he wants to work together to take down the man & system that hurt them all - he wants that connection and that justice)

also, just, in general

it's that thing where no, it isn't terribly healthy, and yes, it is self-harm, but there's a kind of comfort in familiarity - even when that familiarity is steeped in trauma

the next time he visted a room (which at least according to the wiki wasnt the next time they went in the tower, btw - he doesn't go up there every single time) it was to astrid's old room

notably - this was after he'd suggested they tell astrid & eadwulf about vess being dead, wanting to get some people in the know who might be on their side

and his idea was turned down

and what he said in that room was [paraphrasing] can i trust you? i want to. together we could make things better

so, confirmed this time - caleb is thinking about the other two and seeking connection and hoping to work together to fix the system that hurt all three of them

and he said so out loud, surrounded by a softer memory - surrounded in turn by viscerally traumatic ones, likely keenly aware of the contrast

which - that's processing?

that's caleb canonically using the room to work through his thoughts and emotions

and the conclusions he comes to are that he isn't sure if he should trust them, he desperately wants to, in no small part bc he wants to make things better

bc he's thinking about growth, and potential, and hope

and then of course

the NEXT time caleb visits any rooms -

it's bc his friends ask to visit

he could say no

he could deflect

he could delay

but he says sure, okay. come look

he chooses to be vulnerable with them

he lets them pick the rooms

and the first one he enters [because he goes in the order they chose]

is his childhood home

he could refuse to open the door, refuse to go in, refuse to let THEM in - but he doesn't

he goes in, looks around. lets them look too. he smiles at the little things

he remembers how simple it was - and that it's gone, and why, because of course he never forgets - but he lets himself smile and i don't think that's nothing

again - it reads like processing to me. remembrance and grief and small joys tied up together

and then they enter the tavern where he met the mighty nein - a manor turning point in his life, the catalyst for so much of his personal growth

and also

it's a happy memory now, but back then it wasn't. back then it was weird and kind of terrifying. these people, these strangers, he didn't like or trust them - he was just using them to shield himself from scrutiny

i think that's relevant too

i think that's important

it's a specific way he's changed, and it's evidence that the way he views memories (and people, and himself) can shift over time, when put in context

and then they go in astrid's room and he answers a few questions and doesnt understand the point of others

set-dressing, he doesn't get. it isn't a pantomime for him - he isn't here to play at reliving the past, isnt setting it all up just so on purpose

it's just how it the past was, how he remembers it - in all its mundanities, all its simplicity, all its small joys

because like he says this is, overall, a good memory

two doors away, there is a very hard one

three doors back from it, one that is both very good and very hard at the same time

and three doors on from that -

the tavern

and i think it's important that they're all there

and i think it's relevant that he went in that first room with his friends at his back to support him

he invited them to walk through his memories, gave them a glimpse of the inside of his head

and for someone whose memories have been manipulated by someone he trusted implicitly -

that isn't a small thing

like, on top of the general emotional vulnerability of spreading his life and traumas and sorrows and private joys for all his friends to see -

he's effectively saying - here are some memories i hold very close. come look, come touch. i trust you with them

literally & mechanically speaking they couldn't do much to them in a tower he controls, of course

but the symbolism

this_kills_the_man.jpg

god.

anyway -

i also think it's so so relevant that the final floor is only accessible through the memory floor

beau was being kind of - gotcha about her observation, like she caught caleb in an inconsistency or something? like he'd missed some point she was revealing to him?

but his response says that she wasn't - that they'd both analyzed it in the same way and he already viewed that as the Entire Point

i'd say it was his intent, even - but as he apparently didn't consciously choose to include the rooms intent is sort of... not applicable

so therefore his interpretation of and interaction with the rooms is more important

and his interp is pretty clearly along the lines of what beau said -

that he has to move through the floor of the past, acknowledge that it is there and unalterable, to reach the floor of possibility and change

which is some fuckin poetical shit, thanks mr obrien

anyway

i think the way caleb's interacted with the memory rooms so far kind of... supports that?

both times he's gone to a room alone he's been already thinking heavily about both the past and the future, and the ways he wants to change the future so the past never happens again

one of those times it was also a form of self-harm, but it wasn't only that

and the other time it was to process and reflect - and sure, indulge in some mildly painful/mildly happy nostalgia

and the next time he went with friends and tried to explain what the rooms are to him, how he thinks of them -

again, processing, revisiting, contextualizing

and he's doing it slowly

he isnt going from room to room ruminating every night, yknow? he's going to ones that call to him at specific times because of specific triggers -

or because his friends ask

mmmm

basically - he's using them like a tool: to process, to motivate himself to create change and do better, and to remind himself that as much as he's required to remember the bad things, he's also allowed to remember the good

he's coping, is what im saying

is that coping sometimes maladaptive? oh for sure! it was that one time! but it isn't always

and that can absolutely change at any time and i doubt the current pattern will always hold true - trauma's a bitch like that -

but it's true right now, and i think that matters

tl;dr wizard coping mechanism variably flawed, multi-useful, heavily contextual, and not inherently unhealthy

[patchdotexe]

apparently my brain wont let me sleep until i do this, so im sorry for any weird wording-- its 2 am (edit: now its 3) and im emotionally tired when I think about this. being vague abt ppl involved bc this isn't a callout its just me explaining what happened on my end

i guess you can reblog this if you want but please dont contact me about it, im stressed and my only thought is to just get this all over with so i dont need to think about it anymore

i was admin of a jsab discord that had a nsfw channel that could only be accessed with a role. before i was promoted, at least one minor had ended up with the role; i should've removed it as soon as i was admin, but didn't because im afraid of conflict and wasnt sure how to go about it. so, like, problem 1.

after events in the fandom (collin, minors posting nsfw art in main tags) i withdrew from jsab but stayed in the discord because i felt obligated to as an admin, and also because the other admin couldn't run it on her own. i ended up muting the nsfw channel, and eventually the server itself. i was starting to move on to other things and was engaging way less with the fandom than before

a few days ago i got a DM letting me know that an adult in the nsfw channel had been creating sexual content for a minor. i reacted really badly. for full disclosure, im a sexual abuse victim. i dont know how comfortable people would be if i went into specifics, but the situation reminded me way too much of it. on top of that, i was already stressed out and trying to recover from something that had happened with another friend totally unrelated to this. i also already disliked the person involved due to having to ask them to stop being "lewd" in the main channels but had been trying to set it aside bc they seemed nice and people liked them

i was brought into a group dm with several friends and... kind of had a total breakdown. at the time i think they thought i was just doing what had to be done after admitting id let it go on way too long, but the truth is i flew way off the handle and its terrifying to look back on. like, i legitimately haven't been that angry in a long time. it was not a state i should have been doing ANYTHING in, let alone trying to salvage a situation that was triggering me.

while this was going on, someone else was brought up in the group DM as grooming minors, and i was shown screenshots of a conversation in another server from before i joined where they were discussing an opinion along the lines of "i dont get the big deal with hiding nsfw art when minors are going to seek it out anyway" which... also made me very uncomfortable bc of my abuse. i ended up kicking them from the server as well with minimal warning.

at this point people in the server were reacting to an inactive admin suddenly kicking 2 active members and posting an announcement where i made no attempt to hide how furious i was. this part is kind of a blur to me but the group dm was reacting to it as it was going on and a person said something that pushed me over the edge. its kind of hard to describe it as "snapping" when i was already emotionally off the deep end but I pretty much exploded. the server fell apart after that

a day later i got contacted that there had been a psa in another server and people were upset at the friend who posted it because of things i said. im the one who called the people involved pedophiles. i dont think i was right to do that, but there was a lot going on in my head at the time and honestly i kept thinking about my abuse and about collin + when im that badly triggered theres not really any nuance to things

realizing that i broke apart a friend group + was leading to at least one friend getting harassed is why i left the fandom. not only did i fail at keeping people safe, i actively made it worse. i don't think the ppl in the dm are at fault for my actions or my mental state; i do feel upset about it bc of how much the situation escalated but i dont think they knew/understood what was going on with me (i wasnt exactly coherent about it) and how their cheering me on +encouraging me to take more action was making my mental state worse bc i had no opportunity to calm down or even fully process what was happening

im sorry for how i handled this entire situation. im staying away from the fandom (and from fandom discords in general), im trying to get my mental health in order, and i know this isn't a great apology to everyone that got hit by the aoe of my warpath. i just wanted to try and say my part of it because theres a lot of confusion over what happened and seeing as im a major player in it i need to say something

[aplpaca]

1, 19, 20

thanks for asking! (this ended up being hella long so thats why its kinda late)

1: Did you discover that you are autistic early or later in life? How do you think it affected you?i had an “unofficial” diagnosis when i was like 4 (unofficial bc i was “on the spectrum but didnt meet all the criteria for an official diagnosis” aka i could talk and wasnt a boy) but because it was unofficial there wasnt really anything that could be done with it, so it wasnt considered significant and i didnt think much of it.    

i didnt actually “figure it out” till towards the end of high school, and what really made me consider it was how much i related to posts by autistic people talking about traits and experiences.  and it was super “freeing” i guess cause it was like realizing that id been viewing myself wrong for most of my life? that my difficulties werent because i hadnt “nurtured” them the right way and my interests and talents werent some warped form of compensation.  like a mental shift from “im a defective version of other people” to “im a perfectly decent version of myself”. 

kinda like if youd been taking care of a “weird bush”, getting confused that it was different from the other ones, and then realized the bush was actually a cactus.  but now that you know, you can figure out how to grow a healthy cactus instead of overwatering it in the hopes it will look like a bush   

19: What, in your opinion, is the most ridiculous autism myth or stereotype?theres a lot of those but the stereotype of autism being a young white boy thing is definitely up there in terms of perpetuating inequalities like afab people and poc are diagnosed less frequently and misdiagnosed a lot more, especially when theyre not kids anymoreless institutional for this one, but a lot of non-autistic people act like theyre able to intuitively tell if someone is or isnt autistic? when their knowledge is based on one autistic person they know of, or a mix of pop culture and maybe an intro to psych class.  like “*person* cant be autistic they do *thing that isnt mutually exclusive to being autistic*” or “are you sure youre autistic cause youre not like my younger brother”  

20: How would you describe autism to someone who knows nothing about it?im not exactly sure how to answer this concisely and still give some actual background on being autistic but heres some traits (under the read-more since this is pretty long already)

social interactions

casual conversation comes a lot less naturally for you than for others (like for me it feels kinda like trying to do a card trade when youre deck is out of order or when youre taking too long trying to find the right amount of money to give the cashier)

even if youre pretty sarcastic yourself, you might have trouble recognizing when other people are doing it (maybe responding to them as if they were serious, then realizing it was sarcasm afterwards)

difficulty with timing in conversations - accidentally interrupting a lot or not knowing when to start talking in groups

takes a lot longer for you to make friends than most people, even when actively trying

might have difficulty telling peoples feelings from their facial expressions or tone of voice, may accidentally overstep boundaries as a result

language/expression differences

speaking might not come naturally as a form of expression, might be more comfortable writing or using another method, especially on more personal topics

might be more or less facially expressive than most people (”resting bitch face” or finding it really hard to hide emotions)

might go nonverbal at times (or all the time) - talking feels physically difficult and takes more energy than usual, can happen with stress or just randomly

sensory stuff

hypo or hypersensitivities - more bothered by loud noise or bright light than others, being a lot more sensitive to fabric and clothing, needing certain levels of noise to be comfortable, “picky” eating (especially related to texture), sitting normally in chairs is uncomfortable, more or less reactive to certain smells

stimming because it feels nice, helps focus, relieves stress - fidgeting, Need To Move, leg bouncing, rocking, repeating phrases/noises because they sound/feel nice, hair twirling, feeling certain textures, pressure (heavy blankets, tight clothing, etc),

sensory overload when overstimulated (often in loud/bright/crowded/etc areas), may have trouble processing all information at once, get irritated by small sounds, may get dizzy, can trigger anxiety, restless energy, trouble focusing, places others are fine with may feel very chaotic to you (eg: a mall or supermarket), symptoms lessen when away from situation

various other things

special interests - if you like something you really like it no middle ground (”obsessed or nothing”), avidly pursue more info/content relating to it, feel an intense need to talk about these interests with others, could spend hours a day on these interests without getting bored  

executive dysfunction - procrastination, difficulty planning ahead, trouble with time management, distracted easily, trouble staying on task, difficulty multi-tasking, having trouble making yourself do something even when you want to get it done

unexpected events or changes in routine (even small things and even if your schedule is not busy) are stressful, might cause you to freeze up,  can take a long time to get used to

auditory processing difficulties - “sorry can you repeat that”, comprehending what someone said when theyre halfway through repeating it, following verbal instructions is hella confusing (“i know what those words mean and i know what that sentence means but i have no clue what im supposed to be doing”)

detail oriented - needing to know specific details and reasons behind things to remember them better, noticing lots of things others dont

good at coming up with unique ideas, different thinking approach leads you to problem-solve in ways others might not

i could write more but ima stop now, i think ive prob info-dumped enough

[pastelacrylics]

im gonna throw up bc i feel sick but this one’s for you babe 😘

Assault TW under the cut

Alright so the date started out pretty fucking fantastic and we were just being dumb kids and playing basketball, harmless and fun, right? right. anyways it was pretty good shit. we went downstairs and like an idiot i try to show him my favorite video game. it doesnt go well and he gives up but whatever. then my sister (i love her shes great and joined us up until this point) suggested playing minecraft. now, i hate minecraft. it is all the wrong shapes and triggers my ocd. i have lots of trouble with this and its dumb, i know. seeing that i was upset, he was pretty nice and said “maybe later” but like then suggested watching greys anatomy

now greys anatomy is the shit. i love it. its my absolute favorite show but it freaks my little sister out so she left. nows a good time to mention that prior o the date i said i wanna take shit really slow. like super fucking slow. that im autistic and it takes me a while to get comfortable with physical contact and i dont want that. that im ace and not interested in sex wit him. that he should avoid sexual situations bc idk what ill do. that i dont even romantically like him, just have lots of excited positive feelings about him.

i was alone with this boy. in the basement. note: i always go to the basement, and my brothers always make me uncomfortable when theyre down there. im not loud. there is essentially nothing i can do at this point. we watch a vague amount of greys, and i curl up into a tiny fucking ball. this is my normal. everyone on the fucking planet knows this is my normal. he ask if i want to cuddle, and i dont really say yes or no, but i was definitely telling him i was uncomfortable and wanted to take things slow. he cuddles me anyways, but he triggers a pressure stim so i assume it will be fine. eventually we stop watching greys and i recount all the noncon/ abuse so he gets why ive gotta take it slow

im not entirely sure how it got to this but before our vaguely sexual act he kept staring at me weird and i kept telling him to stop. he kept asking or trying to kiss me and i kept saying no. i dont know how many times i said no that night. after that he started touching my skin, but like in a nice stimmy way. i was okay with it. it reminded me of one of my friends comforting me, it was familiar. he started going towards my chest- note: im dysphoric as all hell and do NOT like my chest being messed with if i dont trust you. (Also some time during my telling him about my past he started trying to pull me into his lap. i only now realized its so id be sitting on...... anyways) i did not say no. i wanted to try. i wanted to be okay. eventually he pulled at my shirt and bra. eventually i was exposed. i said nothing. this was not something i wanted or was comfortable with, but this was MY doing. i started crying. i told him to stop. i told him no more for the night. i told him no more contact, yeah i was kinda turned on but i was overwhelmed, i was done, and i wanted to STOP. I told him it was done. We could continue to hang out, watch tv, he could go home when he assumed, but he would stop touching me. he told me “sometimes you need to push your boundaries” I tried to convince him to fix his problem so he would fucking leave me alone. he refused. we ate dinner. i grabbed another jacket and went to the bathroom or whatever. i went back down, curled up again. he tried shit again. i told him to stop. he asked if we could “cuddle” i said okay. he started involuntarily bucking. i told him this. i told him it was funny but to stop. he said okay. he didnt stop. he kept going. eventually i gave up. my brother came down and i had 15 minutes of peace. we started watching anime. he was staring at me creepy. he forced me into his lap. i told him to stop. i told him no. (i went nonverbal while he was bucking and this was him assuming i was “okay” again i guess idk it was gross) i was pushed onto my back. he pulled my shirt all the way up. he did what he fucking wanted. i gave up. he sucked on my nipples, he left a bruise on one. he moved onto my neck. he left another one there (i dont bruise easily, and i got it to fade quickly because i hated looking at the proof, and my body doesnt generally take to bruising) i was on my back. he moved my hand so i would be getting him off. he started to take his fucking belt off. i told him to stop. i told him it was time to go. I was not being penetrated without my permission ever again. he didnt want to leave. he asked me “that did nothing for you?” no. no it didnt do anything for me. i told you no. i told you i didnt want it. you make me sick. i just told him “no” and laughed it off

i told him to get an uber. i tried to kick him out. it was another 5-15 minutes of silence and avoiding touching him as he waited for his ride to come. i walked him to the door, and locked it. my mom immediately knew something was wrong. she asked me what happened. instead i wanted to throw up, and i went to bed. i told my best friend, and ex. my ex was really fucking good to me about all of this. he left his fucking hat and i want to burn it. i hate all men. i hate teenage boys. i hate misoginy. i hate that i didnt believe the last girl who was assaulted, who told me, because he lied to me. i hate that i can be clearly scared, and youd rather believe him. i hate that youre angry at me for this. i told the girl i didnt believe i was sorry, i confirmed something with the girl i fought with last year, i told my best friend and my ex. i told twitter “something happened” on private so a friend at lunch could see. i told an older friend so i could ask for help. i told my other best friend. (7 people online) but in person?   i quietly told 1 friend at the beginning of the day, 1 teacher who i thought could help me avoid him, 1 friend in my group that i couldnt participate (she was his ex, shed understand) and you. thats when i fucing told you. next i told a girl who i knew was vulnerable to that bullshit, then a teacher so i wouldnt have to. see him in the next class. then i threw up and went home. didnt even tell our last friend at lunch. he doesnt know what happened. he might assume based on the other two girls but i didnt say shit. (6 people in person) ...the teacher i asked to help me avoid him told my councelor and my principal and my mom was called. I said i was going to talk to my therapist first but that didnt fucking matter, did it? no one fucking gives a shit about me and im just making this up right? I had to recount details to my mom. she said it didnt count as assault because i. wasnt penetrated (legally it does) she said it wasnt bad enough. that i asked for it. that i should have been more fucking clear. that i. was sending mixed messages. that she went through so much worse. that it wasnt worth ruining his life over. that it wasnt worth sending him to jail over, that it wasnt worth having him marked a predator over (3 girls minimum have been attacked)  because im just fucking lying about this, right? and you dont believe me? well i cant fucking believe you. go eat lunch with someone else, and in the mornings im gonna hang out in the only classroom in the school that will protect me from him even though shitty people will be there too.  and babe? he told me hes glad im not mad. that ill see him again “soon ;)” he sucked on my lip and made me feel violated. but misoginy is so ingrained in us that you dont fucking support survivors, and you never support me. I love you but im so fucking done.

[gwisingegooli]

it’s always kinda funny trying to figure out why things ended up the way they did, in terms of all the small decisions and where the mistakes where made

yesterday i was way too fucking tired to hang out w the de anza degens and watch the league of legends world finals. i pretty much took us home from aquis and i passed the fuck out.

and later michael said he kinda wished he couldve hung with them, and later when i woke up i felt the same. but even while sleeping i told michael not to wake me during the world finals and i just peaced the fuck out.

so reflecting on it — i definitely should not have stayed up drinking til like 3 the day before yesterday, when i had to wake up for my rideshare by like 9. especially when the day before i had stayed up smoking and cleaning my room til 5, and then i woke up at like 12. and when the day before that i had stayed up til 5 drinking, and then i woke up for my 8 am, and didnt really have time to nap properly after.

so yeah, a landslide of bad sleeping decisions. but especially the night before, i shouldve turned in early so my body wasnt so done w me.

my rideshare was also fucking awful. my driver was a pushover, and so am i a little bit. and the other guy in the rideshare loved to take advantage of that! he was seedy and shady and i hated him so much for manipulating us because we were nice. he made our rideshare take us to wholefoods, to ross, etc like get his chores done bc we thought it was nbd. i would say i dont want to, or we shouldnt, but i wasnt firm enogh and i ended up getting totally steamrolled over. im never going to let myself get taken advantage of ever again.

michael was super steamed bc i ended up making him wait too, bc i came later than i thought since we were doing this guys fucking chores. i told him i tried to say something but then he texted me — “well you should say fuck no” “you fucking idiot” in separate texts and i thought he called me a fucking idiot. he texted right after “him being the fucking idiot” but i didnt see that because i had put my phone down after the text before trying not to cry.

it literally destroyed me and made me so sad and when he came to pick me up he was super angry, not at me at all, but at what happened. he was frustrated for sure but i thought he had called me that, and it had scared me because i thought it was super unfair and mean and uncharacteristic. it’s crazy that i thought he would even say that to me because he never would??? i think i was super insecure and projecting how i felt about myself, and i still felt it was within the realm of possibility he would say that to me so i couldnt even look at him.

i was quiet on the ride back, and he started talking to me and asking what happened, and i started crying trying to explain. and he said he understood but as the conversation went on he said he didnt understand why i hadnt apologized yet for making him wait. and i said i apologized over text, and im sorry for making him wait. but he said my apology didnt sound genuine. he said he wasnt trying to be difficult, especially on our first meeting. the situation must’ve been very confusing for him because i was reacting to a misunderstanding that we hadn’t know had happened yet.

i told him i didnt know what to do about that, if i am apologizing genuinely. i told him im just trying to understand what happened because it was kind of traumatizing to be taken advantage of like that and then in hindsight realize how you were manipulated, and then come see your boyfriend super angry because i wasnt able to take control of a situation and he has to be part of it all and how scary that was. and he asked me, confused, why i was scared? and i told him i was so tired and hungry and scared and sad and confused and i didnt want to have to do all of this. and he said thats ok, we can drop it.

later i said im sorry for being a pussy. and even though it makes it so that im not looking at myself, im sorry that guy was such a dick that you felt the radius of his awfulness. he laughed and said that felt apology felt more genuine. and he said he was just happy to see me.

when i got home i checked my texts and then i said “oh...” and explained how i had thought he called me a fucking idiot and he dropped everything and came to hug me and apologize and said he would never say that to me and like went hardcore on saying sorry. i was just happy everything was cleared up and i told him not to do that in texts ever again >:( and he was like ofc ;_;

so now after being physically exhuasted i had to go through an emotionally draining experience over a bad text. i bet if i wasn’t so exhuasted i wouldve been able to figure out how to sort things better, and realized why i was so upset.

then i always couldve powered through being so exhuasted but at aqui’s like. justin was so fucking annoying. like listening to justin talk, even when i am fully rested, destroys my social stamina. he makes me want to be rude and ignore him and give one word responses because otherwise i will go crazy. and then if u seem tired he’s like “are you okay?” and its like yes, but no because of you. please stop being annoying.

even looking at will is pretty triggering now because my perception of him has been realigned w how he really is bc of a few recent mishaps. i could go into them in detail but basically he’s just a little kid who has a lot of growing up to do, isnt good at listening, being open minded, planning things.... i had to dd because he fucked up planning on the way there. he told his friends to come and then we ended up heading out when they were supposed to come!! like yes, george shouldve checked his phone for the change in plans but also. stop sending conflicting plans last minute. >:( i am the most tired one here. and then no one else offered to drive because it was all last minute. like i am back for the first time and y’all aint even gonna warmly greet me and take care of me???????? just kidding but also not kidding LOL

so the table seating at aqui’s was fucking awful. daniel was way on the edge when he should be sitting near me and michael cause he’s the only other cool person. alvin was fine but i was like zzz because justin was in the center. justin does like one on one conversations “well” (by this i mean he can keep a conversation going for forever and not in a good way) so he should be on the side. will was playing a fucking phone game so he shouldve been on the side. alvin ended up being on his phone too.

daniel tried to engage but the tables are too far and he could only make like funny eye contact w us every once in a while and i was like TT

so i slowly phased in and out of consciousness and then by the end of the trip i was like. michael. i need to go and die in peace rn.

and thats why i missed worlds. its a lot of situational things but thats why you gotta make sure you aren’t HALT (hungry angry lonely tired) so you can evaluate your situations and fix shit up and be actually alive to take on the world.

[lawlightfan42069]

I was rewatching SHINee's ask in a box and they said the chose View as the title track out of four songs, and now I'm really curious which the other three songs are. I'm pretty sure Odd Eye and Love Sick were two of the other choices, but the only one that makes sense for me as the last song is Alive, but that's such a different sound for a SHINee title track, I'm curious what you think

AHH this is interesting question id also really like to know what the other options they considered were!! i wouldnt be surprised if alive is one of them. its definitely a slightly different sound sound for a title track song from shinee but it still feels pretty distinctly shinee while using a lot of elements that are popular Title Track Elements so i could see it being a choice. personally i thought romance could have potentially been the other choice bc that feels very shinee to me but im not sure!! romance could have fit in with the general shinee vibes too so i think itd make sense. plus it has a certain type of summer feeling to it so i think they could preserve a lot of the summer aesthetics. 

i didnt initially think love sick was one the choices but that makes sense to bc it was supposed to be like,,, a spiritual sequel to replay wasnt it?? so thatd be a relevant pick and i think itd make for a cute mv aesthetic, although theres stronger title track material than love sick on that album so im glad that they didnt go for that one.

i doubt they would have gone for woof woof lmao (EVEN IF IT IS AN AMAZING AND ICONIQUE SONG) or black hole (thank god) or any of the ballads so yea that leaves alive, trigger, romance, odd eye and love sick. from that list i think odd eye and romance were two of the other picks. love sick makes sense as one of the choices bc of whole being a sequel to replay thing. bc that would be a nice little callback. so yeah my guesses are romance odd eye and love sick. i think if they wanted a departure from their typical title track sound maybe they would have gone for trigger?? in my opinion and that would make for an interesting title track sound, although it would be a very different concept than the lighthearted summery one that view ended up being. it would be interesting to live in a Title Track Trigger timeline and i wonder what that mv ends up being like nsfsjkdfs. but anywya thank u for asking its sweet u wanted my thoughts!! 💕💕💕

[digiweed]

Im super open talking about side effects if anyone is thinking about going regular for any reason (big ish desicion). I'm going to vaguely list out some pros and cons here.

Its helped a lot with:

-immediate pain

But I originally started smoking once a day because I did a research on endometriosis (a lot of my pain) and there were studies that showed when they isolated the tissue and treated it with CBD and THC that it not only STOPPED GROWING. The mixture literally caused the access tissues (thing causing the pain) to SHRINK.

And over the last month long term I've noticed such a difference. I was really worried but I literally dont even think I need the surgery I was planning on getting. I should really put this out on forums to help spread the word but it gives me so much dysphoria.(all the columns and forums only focus on how it's a women only disease and only women get it and no man ever will)

Its also completely stopped my night hallucinations and sleep walking which was ruining my fucking life. (Hallucinations would shake me awake. Constantly. Or yell at me loud enough to wake me up and when I wake up theres a fake person taking to me. Dont ask me how this happens I don't understand the brain either.)

Weed along with (MILD) meditation practice has gotten rid of my day to day hallucinations almost entirely. They're not as constant. Before it was a pretty daily struggle and now I never question what I'm seeing. They're anxiety triggered and obvs weed and my anti depressants together helped that.

It helps when my migraine goes blitzing ! At certain points tynolol cant reach me or even make a dent so I get high out of my mind and the pain stops. This is where the *chronic* part of my pain is important. Cause if my migrain doesnt stop it will just get worse. Like until I can somehow sleep (so hard to sleep with pain) and then when I wake up.

I've asked my neurologist about daily use and he says it's fine so 😅

It also helps me sleep, with anxiety, my wrist pain from arthritis, my back pain from years of unsafe binding, surgery pain (mildly), daily headaches* and overall aches which I get a lot.

BAD SIDE EFFECTS:

-Not knowing how certain weed effects u and getting really depressed the next day or anxious

-weed not being built for pain and more towards partiers making it harder to find pain strains. And the ones I find get me more fucked than I would like

-weed working for pain too well and I can't tell if I'm aggravating my pain

-not entirely sure how it interacts with my migraines. Though the research is positive theres sonething off about how it interacts with me long term

-SOCIAL. Really socially difficult to smoke around certain parties (teachers, my parents) that otherwise painkillers might not affect socially

-i stay up really late cause I dont like to smoke during the day

-SHAME

-feeling really dizzy and out of it the next day when you overdue it

-having to get way too high and way out of your comfort zone just to treat pain

-not wanting to get high but still having to to treat pain (SUCKS)

-nausea

-EATING WAY TOO MUCH

-appetite loss when you're not high. Up until like 3 weeks ago I didn't eat unless I was high because I had literally nooo appetite when I wasnt high. And food was already hard for me because of a hard poverty/ eating disorder combo

-social. My roommate doesnt like talking to me when I'm high but it's like dude I'm an adult who chooses to do this and also still a person....;__; it's especially brutal bc I don't *have to* but in a lot of ways... I have to lol :/

-LUNG HEALTH. absolutely appalling. Really hate that side effect . Edibles dont kick in for a while and my pain can be ballistic by then. This is actually probrably the worst side effect.

-memory

But ultimately I like it because it turns hours of pain into a pretty pleasant evening 🤷‍♀️ and that's so good for overall mental health. Pain to that level can be literally traumatizing it's hard to trust ur body or the world at all after a particularly bad flare up. It can feel hopeless🤷‍♀️

I love weed but theres a lot of side effects I don't like 😅 considering new painkillers or just taking like 1500 mg (3-5) tylenol along side smoking

[smuttyfairy]

i just finished watching thirteen reasons why and im telling you guys it's not something people with mental issues should watch. i have ptsd and i have been sexually assaulted 3 times and i couldn't stop crying up to now whenever i remember something i cant just- it's so hard you know being reminded of something bad that has happened to you. but im okay tho, i can handle it. but the thing is that watching thjs triggered a lot of things in me. and you know the suicide thoughts recurred but im

working on how i can change that and relieve it. i dont want to the butterfly effect to happen to my loved ones. i want it to affect those people who have hurt me. i love my family and friends. i love my friends even if they betrayed me a lot of times. i would feel alone because no one ever defended me. they befriended the person who sexually assaulted me because they needed favors from him. and to those people who knew no one came up to me to ask me if i was okay or what. they didnt do anything

but idk maybe it’s because of the good things that they’ve done and the happy memories we shared that kept me still wanting their company. that happened when i was in 9th gr. but in 10th gr people made made up a rumor of me having a sex video. it wasnt true though i swear. and that resulted for me to have these teachers to pick on me, talk about me. and assume things. it really hurt my feelings bc one of the teachers failed me so i could not attend our “moving up ceremony”. i felt sad and alone

okay wth i forgot where i left off. but anyway, they were the ones who spread rumors abt me too. they threw me under the bus. they like befriending people who have hurt my feelings. i cant even forgive them up to now. but they did help me with a lot of things too. they helped me a lot. they’re nice people but sometimes they just want to save their own skin, act cool, and all those “popular kids” do. my group and i are popular at school and they value that so much. im the only one who befriends

those “quiet” kids. they call me weird and stuff for being different. i love them but sometimes it’s just too much to handle you know. they expect me to do tons of shit for them but when it’s my turn to tell them im having problems of my own they tell me their busy or they give half-hearted replies. i just dont fucking know anymore. every time im alone i think of all these bad thoughts and it makes me hurt myself physically so i could stop thinking about those bad thoughts

my life right now is a total fucking mess. and idk what to do anymore you know. everything is so hard. oh and when my friends asked “the guy” why he did what he did. he blamed me for giving him “signals” which i fucking didnt. because if i did give him “signals” i could’ve kissed him you know. fuck, even the mere thought of it makes me sick. my friends also blamed me for it. victim blaming fucking hurts especially when the ones who did it are your friends.

sorry for cussing. im just so angry at everyone. but i have to hide it so people wouldn’t worry abt me. i dont like being a burden so i’ll just keep it all to myself. sorry for ruining this wonderful acc’s vibe. it’s just that everything has taken its toll and i dont have anyone to talk to. thank you so much.

---->Hey anon~ sorry for my late reply I really wanted to just take a seat and relax and take the time to read and thoroughly answer this for you without the whole rush of trying to get this posted.

I’ve seen the first couple eps of 13 Reasons Why and man, I may not have mental problems nor depression but gaaahhh…the first ep had me triggered because I had a similar situation like that happen to me. I won’t lie that watching that ep made me feel a little sad and regretful and sort of empty in a way???

So definitely I wouldn’t recommend it to someone who has depression and/or mental issues because it is a show on very sensitive topics. I mean, it is a good show! Don’t get me wrong! I know they wanted to make the book come to life and perhaps get the message out that young people have their life struggles and how to change it or fix it or prevent it and etc BUT MAN OH MAN it’s still hella triggering.

And back to you anon, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this :/ sometimes the people who say they’re your friends are so quick to turn on you when they hear a “rumor” about you with a guy. I know bc this something on a much simpler level happened to me once (a stupid rumor similar to Hannah in ep 1) and I can’t believe how powerful one rumor and one guy can get to cause a group of friends you thought you knew to turn on you??? Like man…what’s wrong with people? It’s definitely painful and heartbreaking when no one is on your side and believes you and you have to deal with it alone :/ It breaks my heart to know you’ve gone to no one about this serious issue with that dick bag low life of a guy. He doesn’t deserve to see the light of day hun and you should definitely report it to someone :/ I’m so very sorry again anon 😔

Also, I’m upset that your suicidal thoughts recurred yet so glad to hear you’re trying to change and prevent yet this from others. You’re a strong soul my love, keep on holding out ❤️ Everyone may feel alone and feel like there isn’t a way out and that no one can help them but in actuality there are people just like them who suffer similar issues. Definitely voicing out that you need help is a great step compared to keeping to yourself. There are people in your local community who you can go to, school counselors or therapists, hotlines you can call, and people all over on forum boards or social group chats you can talk to and discuss these problems with. No one wants to suffer alone and no one wants to be alone.

You’re a good person anon, I can feel it. The world needs more people like you honestly. Your so called “friends” treat you horrible in my opinion? They seem to fall into the pressure of wanting to be popular and not getting judged harshly by others. Tsk tsk tsk. Is popularity really that much important?? Honestly though, none of your middle/high school social status lives will matter once you graduate. No one actually cares about that once you, you know, finally “grow up”, so,,,,, jokes on them. (Of course what you learn in class is always going to matter ^^)

But good for you anon! You befriend people who your questionable friends would not. I’m glad you do because everyone could use a nice friend like you even if you are under-appreciated by them and neglected by them. Thank you for being such a good person to them. Honestly though, they probably don’t deserve a friend like you :’)

I just know you’re in a lot of pain and I know you don’t want to be a burden anon, but trust me. You don’t want to pent up anything like this and you oh most certainly do not need to feel like a burden to not make the people around you worry. You should definitely voice out your feelings and you should do it to people who care. Perhaps maybe your friends and teachers may not be a choice in that matter, however the option of calling a hotline to voice these issues would be much more helpful and hopefully beneficial for you.

I hope you slowly take the steps to get better and relax your mind and body from such stress. Deep breaths in and out are very helpful, get some fresh air into those lungs anon! Listen to music and sleep, cleanse your soul even if you’re bored! Take up new habits like exercising or maybe painting? Draw your mind’s attention away from your problem and distract yourself with things you can enjoy doing. Take care of yourself and please make sure you contact someone when you feel you’re at your lowest. Feel better dear💗

-All my love,Admin Smuttyfairy

[lycanrox]

response to aidens post lol

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection if-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out. gonna copy nd paste then post my response ok cool

-Guilt trip and gaslight when you thought I was going to get with someone else, people making compliments towards me got you into a rage fit. You never apologized for always getting pissed when I never did shit and you take compliments all the time. 

i never tried to guilt trip. i told you many times its ok to get with someone else. you literally dated someone else and i was ok with it. it wasnt compliments i was upset over, you literally had people saying they were in love with you. thats really weird to me. i was scared to be abandoned. people dont compliment me, all i have is my boyfriend and my qpp. maybe my close friends compliment me but its not a big deal. did i freak out over ur friends calling u daddy and shit? why should u get upset over people doing that to me?

-Manipulating everyone to know only your side, ignoring my sincere apologies, calling them bullshit, ignoring the fact that I never did those things again and told you to call me out. You barely did, but I did always stop when you told me to.

literally i already said. He sat there with me as youd text me and fight with me. you went to Her, my fp, to complain about me without telling her my side. everyone who ive talked to has seen all of it. i give people my phone and let them read everything since even before we broke up. im not scared to show my side. 

-Controlling me, telling me to do everything and give you love all the time and you literally did that all the time. “I hate myself I want to die”, was that not manipulation, when I always try to comfort you? But, you pushed me away and said you never asked. I was extremely supportive in your times of misery and self harm, what have you ever done for me?

how did i control you? i didnt tell you to do shit. saying “love me” as a joke isnt controlling. i wanted attention, god forbid. you do the same to me. “i hate myself i want to die” is literally just me self loathing, how is that manipulation??? i was venting to you because i trust you. i appreciated the comfort but yes i never wanted help. help is not what i want, i dont want to be in the hospital, i dont want to be put on new meds, i dont want a support group i just want to feel less alone.

-Calling me abusive for literally nothing, for “months” I have apparently abused you when A) I never fucking harmed you, a gentle push I guess which I thoroughly apologized for, but nah it’s all bullshit according to you and B) You have done manipulative and abusive things to me like: Forcing me to do things with you, making me have to kiss you within the first 5 days because you were so sad, trying to talk sexually to me when I was not ready but I got into it because that is what YOU wanted, exhausting my limits to how much you wanted from me, expecting me to love on you and care for you when you are always talking about how many feelings you have for someone else, putting me into a poly relationship without my consent the second time, always having some shit to complain about because I cannot be perfect, pinning me against my friends, and the list goes on.

if like 10 different people are calling you abusive its probably true, dude. you did harm me. you ignored the fact i literally said you punched me. you never apologized for that. i was fucking upset over it and you just sat there and watchd me tear up and curl in a ball. you tried to fucking excuse yourself for it. “I deal with things irrationally, I live in a family that physically hits each other, and it was a blur I cannot just stop and think. I did not blame him for being scared? I said it isn’t my fault and it doesn’t mean I havent gone through things either.” literal quote from you. “...it was aggressive but gentle...” another literal quote. 

i never forced you to. in fact it was always you texting me about how horny you are, you made an nsfw blog so i could see the shit you put on there, you were the first person to make sexual advances. i told you i get sex repulsed sometimes and you apparently dont even remember that because at least 3 times a week you talked to me about being horny and what was i supposed to do? you would be at my house and tell me how much you wanted to fuck, you said literally “i cant wait for after-prom sex” and i didnt let you stay the night because of that. you were the one who always wanted sex. i never forced you to do anything, you were the one who touched me without consent. i didnt make you kiss me. before we were even dating you talked about kissing me all the time. you asked me to teach you how to kiss, so yeah like .. 5 days after we started dating you spent the night and we kissed like 3 times. it wasnt that big of a deal. you asked for it. the first time we sexually talked all i said was i wanted to give you hickeys and you asked to sext, so we did. 

poly relationship w/o consent? when we first started dating i was already dating oliver. when we broke up, again, i was dating oliver so when you ASKED ME OUT again you knew i was still with them. no force. when did i ever pin you against your friends? the only person i ever said shit abt was p**** because he was getting too obsessive when you were uncomfy, and you encouraged me to do that.

-You made me believe that all I was ever doing was WRONG, and I have told you that five trillion times, and you never did anything to help that. I know I was not wrong for trying to be supportive even though I was triggered to death, but you made me feel like I was a fucking nuisance in your life.

how??? i did everything i could to tell you how great of a boyfriend you were. i told you every day how much i loved you. how perfect you were. i didnt do shit, you were the one who made me feel like shit every day because i wasnt physically or mentally able to suit your romantic needs. 

-Blaming me for all your damn mistakes, I got defensive because it was never me, blaming me for being paranoid when you did things and hinted at things to provoke that, and your paranoia was never apologized for either. Even in the beginning, I apologized for being paranoid and it took a long ass time for that to come back because you are so unpredictable and you were never clear with any of the things you said. 

yes i admit i have trouble owning up to my own mistakes. im sorry that i blamed you for things. you dont deserve that. im mature enough to own up and apologize for that. i dont know what i did to make you paranoid but im sorry that that happened. i am unpredictable. i know. yikes at me

-Vaguely saying you did some things wrong too but hiding behind your illnesses as well, not even asking me what you could have done better. You want the cold hard truth? You are getting it. Yes, I was supportive of what you had and I guess I am ableist for trying to help you to change. I WAS SO ABLEIST for wanting the absolute bare minimum. You already said we were just becoming friends at that stage, and the fact of the matter is, you hurt the shit out of me.

i try not to hide behind my illnesses but i really cant help some things because of my illnesses. i tried asking what i could do. i tried doing what you wanted. you are ableist tbqh because i told you i COULDNT DO THE THINGS YOU WANTED but you pushed me every day to fucking do it and when i broke down and apoligzed for not being able to do it you made me feel like ABSOLUTE SHIT!!! i was the worst bf ever bc i cant do some romantic things sometimes!!!!! yikes im so problematic for being disabled!!

-You become avoidant to self harm and don’t fucking apologize for pushing people away. You always told me you were here for me when I needed help but you never actually listened to me. I never jumped straight into things, sorry if you believe that. I always said I was feeling terrible and you decided to expand.

i dont have to apologize for pushing people away if its whats best for me mentally. i am 100% sure in that. i always ask whats wrong because i care about you but when i dont know what youre going to say its a 50/50 chance ill get triggered and if im triggered i cant really think properly!! i get flashbacks and anxiety attacks when i see even specfic words. ive told you before its not great to depend on me for that stuff. that im always here for you but im here to listen, not to help. i cant help myself, how can i help you?

-Saying you were fine all the time, lying to me when something was wrong, I always had to find out from someone else about what you have done.

wow yikes i didnt tell you when i felt shitty because i didnt want to trigger you. yikes because i dont want your help or advice sometimes. i want people to listen but you never JSUT listen you have some styff to say and while some ppl like that i dont!! i dont like being told how to think or feel or what to do

-Abusing your medications and getting high when I first broke up with you, saying you got dumped, implying you didn’t deserve it when you never deserved me. I spent over $200 dollars on your boyfriend’s medical bills, but I am careless and unkind I suppose.

i was already abusing my medications :-/ i never called you careless or unkind but ok

-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out.

what did i ever do to make you feel not good enough lol. not do the things i said before i cant do? i didnt use your body, not once not ever. dont even start that shit. you know my history of rape and sexual abuse. what the actual fuck. 

-Again, since you cannot get it through your selfish mind, you never owned up for ANYTHING you have done, and guess what? I only do what people do to me. So, you treating me bad, I tried to forgive you and become collected, but you pushed me to where I thought I was stuck in the relationship. Why? Because if I left, you would become suicidal, if you left, you would want to come back immediately.

i tried owning up to things and ive apologized for many things i shouldnt have had to. tbqh ive wanted to break up since like.. right after prom bc the way you were being so i wouldnt have been suicidal if you left. yeah i wouldve been upset if i left because its hard for me to detach myself from people

You have no idea what you did, you have no idea what you were doing.

lol u rite

People defending your disgusting actions are no better than you are, you only exclude what you have done to make yourself seem innocent. 

people excusing you for hitting me and sexually abusing me and manipulating and gaslighting me are worse than people supporting me. i was maybe bad to you to combat myself from you hurting me!! i dont want to fucking get hurt again so when you do something shitty i have to do something shitty in return! 

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection 

you asked me out both times. 

I asked you all the damn time if you wanted space, but you said “No, it’s fine,” when you damn well knew it wasn’t. Why are you such a blatant liar?

i didnt want to hurt you by leaving you alone.

Oh and also, when you “broke up” with your boyfriend of two years for me, but always texting endearing things to them when we were together, how cute of you to do that.

we did break up. yeah i fucking missed them though. its hard for me to detach. but i wasnt seeing them behind your back. you know very well it was sho who was dating oliver, not me. i text them endearing things because theyre my fp/dp and i love them. 

anything abusive ive done i literally didnt mean to do. youre the one whos just now pushing all this shit on me. dont accuse me of being abusive when you didnt tell me when these things made you upset. i didnt fucking know. i cant read minds. i cant do any of that shit. i also dont have empathy and cant think of other peoples emotions so its hard for me to think about how/if my actions are affecting people, unless they fuckign tell me. which you didnt. instead, you just told me how fucking shitty i was. i was an awful boyfriend, im using you, im cheating, im not good enough, i cant satisfy you. i guess i was so bad you just had to start dating that other guy, and as you said, because “he can give you things i cannot give”. jeez im so FUCKING sorry.

[cowboy-butch]

power rangers spoilers under the cut

like.. a few major ones. theyre detailed, i tried to list out possible trigger warnings (bolded) but if you need a specific one message me! proceed with caution :)

it was honestly really funny, there was a lot of wit and sarcasm in many of the jokes and i was constantly laughing. and while there was a more serious vibe with the movie than with what i remember of the show, there were quite a few lighthearted, very sweet moments that made the theater ‘aww’ (the scenes of jake and his mom and how he cared for her were some of the sweetest they made my heart hurt)

some of the dialogue wasnt that great, there were some plot holes that i noticed throughout the movie, and some of the acting wasnt as good as it couldve been, but it was a good movie, it was a good adaptation of the show and a good start to what im guessing is a series? there’s a credit scene where they kinda introduce the green ranger (which the girl next to me was freaking out about it was great)  

the evil witch lady was kinda underwhelming? i wasnt really scared of her, i could tell that she would fuck shit up if she wasnt stopped but the portrayal wasnt really what i expected it to be, which is fine things dont have to be perfect all around, but i hope they get some better, more experienced actors to play the villains next time. the witch’s monster that she creates was kinda scary, there were some intense scenes with the monster and the five that racked up my anxiety lol

i wasnt a devout show watcher, ive seen a few episodes here and there as a kid, but some people have been commenting on the tv/movie references and inside jokes that were in this movie. there were some nostalgic scenes that i remember, “its morphin time!” and the “go go power rangers!” song definitely made me feel like a giddy little kid. this was a revamp but they didnt forget their origin story, they didnt forget where they came from lol

billy (blue) fucking stole the show. he was absolutely amazing. im not autistic, but i follow a few people who are and who talk about it concerning themselves and characters they see as being on the spectrum. so i noticed a few aspects of billy’s character which coincided with what ive read like when jason scott (red) touched him with no warning or consent he asks him to stop, he is constantly building things his whole basement/room is covered in tools and equipment and a big work table, which is what came to my mind as his special interest

when he got excited there was continuity of him clapping his hands and sort of bouncing on his feet, and the most blatant aspect of all; billy confessed to jason that he was on the spectrum, jason didnt seem to understand and made a little joke, and billy went on to say that his brain worked differently than jason’s, that he couldnt understand sarcasm or some humor but that he remembered everything, like /everything/. in the movie he was by far the best developed character in my opinion, it felt like RJ Cyler did a lot of research and listening to build his character to be the best representation that he could make him. (i dont know if this has anything to do with autism or if its just a cute thing billy does, but he cant swear. like something surprised him and he yelled ‘motherf- ah just mother is good’ like he couldnt finish the word. idk i just liked that part of his character)

t warning: okay so there is one scene that could be triggering for some people, so major spoiler here. the villain ends up killing billy ¾ through the movie, the rangers take him back to the main ship to ask their mentor person what to do and if theres any way to save him, but eventually the mentor brings him back to life. i felt slightly uncomfortable during that scene because they killed off their only black and autistic character. i still dont know how to feel about it until i hear from actual black/autistic people but i wanted y’all to know, if seeing that could harm you or trigger you. if you want to avoid seeing that happen to billy, it happens when the five are captured at the docks and its drawn out for a few minutes, i cant remember how many. if someone could accompany you, they could stay in the theater and text or come get you when the scene is over.

OH and something i noticed after the emotional scene mentioned above, billy was being hugged and he was hugging back, but jason walked up to him and kept his distance, letting billy initiate the hug if thats what he wanted to do. jason heard billy’s uncomfortableness in being touch and remembered, and let him have his space and freedom to decide on a hug or not. theyre my new brotp and I LOVE THEM

keep in mind that i dont know everything, i dont have autism so some things most likely shot over my head and didnt register, so im sorry if it did and if what ive told you has been incorrect. you are totally free to correct me if i have been, but i felt like billy was (mostly) treated with care and respect.

so admittedly the gay character reveal was kinda small, i wouldve definitely liked if it was bigger but keeping in mind what the director said in one of his interviews is important.

“For Trini, really she’s questioning a lot about who she is. She hasn’t fully figured it out yet. I think what’s great about that scene and what the scene propels for the rest of the movie is, ‘That’s OK.’ The movie is saying, ‘That’s OK,’ and all of the kids have to own who they are and find their tribe.” xxx

The way it’s revealed sounded as if Trini (yellow) was fresh into figuring out who she is, what her sexuality is, where she fits in society. the five were revealing secrets about one another to get to know each other better and she tells them that she and her family are never in town for long, and she likes it like that because its easier to not have to constantly get to know people, to show them your vulnerable side.

zack (black) made a little joke about ‘boyfriend problems’ which her subtle face expressions rejected, to which he asks ‘girlfriend problems?’ and she seemed unsure. (theres no negative reactions from the others, it does seem to portray the idea that ‘Thats OK’, that her potentially having girlfriend problems is totally okay to the other characters) im not positive in what expression she was conveying, maybe the character wasnt totally sure of her answer herself, but i remember being that way too.

i always asked myself if wondering if i was bisexual was actually just me wanting to fit in with my friends, or if i was trying to get attention from some unknown faceless person. i kept quiet about my thoughts for quite some time, i didnt want to blurt it out while still feeling wildly unconfident about my answer, in case i /was/ vying for attention (i wasnt). so maybe this representation isnt what my present day mostly-out self wouldve liked, but to my past questioning and confused “straight” self, i wouldve related to that uncertainty. i wouldve seen myself in Trini and wouldve cried tbh. if the sequels actually happen (theres a plan for five more movies to be made?? i hope it happens) then i really do hope that we see her sexuality expanded upon as she becomes more comfortable with herself.

(and maybe it was just me but did Trini seem like she had the hots for Kimberly (pink)? id have to watch it again bc a lot of information at one time kinda shocks my brain into a stupor and the details get foggy)

t warning: theres a car crash scene in the very beginning of the movie and one sorta 2/4 of the way where theyre escaping the mining area and connect with a train. after the second crash jason throws up but there isnt any visual, only audio. i cant think of anything else in the movie, so if any of you need to avoid or know about those, i hope this helps.

so these are my thoughts and opinions! if you disagree i totally understand but dont be a jerk about it, you respect me I’ll respect you. i hope y’all have enjoyed my long ass post and if you see the movie i hope you enjoy it!