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thedoctorisgroovy · 4 months ago

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Schooled

» Pairing: Spencer Reid x BAU!Reader

» Word count: 998

» Warnings: use of y/n, S3-5 Spencer, reader has just started at the BAU, mention of bullying, fluff, establishing relationship, awkward Spencer, use of the word sh**ty, mention of gunshot wound, gn reader, they/them pronouns, slightly non canon character behaviours

» A/N: so Im 27 and i've never written a fic before! I had a dream the other night that I was gonna turn into a one shot but realised I needed way more backstory to get to the dream scene so this is gonna be multiple chapters! Reader should be GN, if not I apologise! Also I have no clue about how law enforcement works so all references to the FBI, statistics etc are all made up. Any feedback is welcome but please try to be kind/constructive!

CHAPTER 1:

Your job with the BAU took you all over the country; mountain ranges, the desert, small towns, big cities, and if you were lucky, even the beach, which may sound slightly psychopathic considering you solve homicides and kidnappings for a living. You never thought it would take you back to your old high school however. The FBI had been called in to your home-town to help solve a string of disappearances/kidnappings that seemed to be connected to the school. It started off as one or two kids not showing up for class, but had now escalated into 6 official missing students. Local police were struggling to determine whether the unsub was a teacher or student, and in a population of 35,000, they called in the BAU to put together a more accurate profile of who they were looking for.

After moving away at the ripe age of 18 to get your bachelor’s degree at a university far away, you had no intention of ever returning to your shitty town. School wasn’t too hard, you got good grades and had a few solid friends but still fell victim to the small town bullying and mentality that you’ve spent the last few years getting over in therapy. Attending the academy straight after graduating helped to keep you busy and away too - much to your mother’s protests - but you knew your goal in life. Joining the FBI and then eventually the BAU was your best shot at never returning, and while your one track mind kept you focused, it unfortunately lead to this case.

On the plus side, it also lead you to the best group of friends - who were your family, lets face it - and boyfriend you could ask for. Dr Spencer Reid was the first member of the team that you were introduced to by Supervisory Special Agent Hotchner on your first day. As he’s your age and at the time, a little awkward, Hotch thought you’d be least intimidated joining the team by meeting him first.

Hotch told you that he was a genius and had a tendency to ramble trivia at people, which intrigued you. You’d never met a 26 year old genius before. As he lead you down the ramp and across the bullpen, you noted 2 women; a blonde girl with quirky clothes and a big grin and a brunette with big eyes and a bright red tank top. You felt their eyes follow you and SSA Hotchner across the room as he lead you to wonder boy’s desk. He had his head buried in a file; legs bunched together on his seat, a pen tapping against his lips absentmindedly, his face obscured slightly by the hair falling across his cheeks and forehead. You reached his desk and Hotch cleared his throat slightly. When he didn’t react, Hotch finally spoke up.

“Dr Reid, this is Special Agent Y/F/N, Y/L/N.” Hotch said in a firm but polite tone. Spencer flinched when Hotch spoke, his voice snapping him out of whatever work induced rabbit hole his brain was stuck in. In an instant, his legs were now back onto the floor, whipped his head up and pushed his glasses up onto his head. Spencer leaned over his desk and extended his hand, to shake yours. He gave you a big smile which you remember looked genuine and sweet at the time.

“Hi, I’m Dr Reid… Or Spencer, just call me Spencer, Dr sounds prententious. I mostly just say it to sound smart but I don’t want to give you the wrong impression.” As he started rambling, you couldn’t help but stare. Now that his face wasn’t covered by his hair, you noticed how pretty he was. His light, soft brown eyes scanned your face while you accidentally stared into them. There was a kindness there that you felt drawn to and you couldn’t help but smile to yourself at his strong jawline.

“Agent Y/L/N?” Spencer questioned softly, his smile dropping to a face of mild concern. You looked down and realised his hand was still extended waiting for you to shake it. Mortified that you’d been staring at this poor man’s face, you blushed and quickly stuck your hand out to reciprocate the greeting.

“Nice to meet you!” You tried to muster in your cheeriest polite voice, hiding your embarrassment as best you could. His smile grew again, cheeks turning ever so slightly salmon colored.

“Reid, I’m leaving Agent Y/L/N in your care. Can you please introduce them to the rest of the team before the debrief? JJ’s waiting for us in the briefing room but I’ve told her to wait 5 minutes for introductions.” With that, Hotch left and you stood semi awkwardly at Reid’s desk unsure whether to initiate conversation or wait for him to take the lead. Thankfully he did.

“As the idiom says ‘there’s no time like the present’” Spencer quipped, standing up and placing his case file onto the desk. He gestured to follow him as he lead you to the two women who you could tell were gossiping quite frankly.

Since then, you’d been inseparable. The whole team noticed how fond you were of each other; 6 months of choosing to pair up on missions, sleeping next to each other on the jet, filing paperwork until the early hours alone in the office. Eventually, Garcia - your loveable bubbly tech analyst best friend - forced you to go on an official date - much to your fake protestations - and that night, you decided to make it official. The “I love you’s” came after a particularly dangerous case where you got shot in the field. The good doctor refused to leave your side from the minute you were injured until you got into the hospital bed. After surgery to remove the bullet, he laid on your recovery bed with you and whispered that he loved you and you whispered back before you both drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 2

taglist: @gghostwriter @inlovewithelliewilliams @the-quackson-brothers @lonelymuffin @lobstertalk @primrosesposts

#criminal minds #spencer reid #criminal minds x reader #dr spencer reid #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #bau team #spencer reid x bau!reader #writing

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highhhfiveee · 11 months ago

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(a bonus "to crumble" ficlet | this is to be read after to surrender; the entire collection is here: 🩹) pairing: mike schmidt x blackfem!reader summary: abby needs a savior. you come to the rescue. wc: 4.2k tags: angst through and through mostly (some light violence, arguing, child neglect ): , drug and alcohol mentions, infertility mentions, angry feelings about a shitty situation [mike you suck]), fluff towards the end with reader and abby (: a/n: so, i hit 1k followers the other day (which thank you so much??? what a nuts accomplishment!!) and i'd decided a while back that this is what i wanted to give you all as a surprise, considering that a lot of you enjoyed the to crumble fics 🥹 this was originally supposed to be longer, but i may do a part 2 just because i didn’t want it to be super long and i wanted to finally put it out cause it's been overdue lmao. enjoy!

you'd been used to silence at night, but now, it was different.

before, the dead of night was peppered with stressful, anxious energy. you'd lay in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering how everything would manage to stay glued together. you begged yourself to dream instead of think. you'd wanted to be whisked away from the incessant, compulsive thoughts you had about work, home, your relationship; every second you could spend with your eyes closed, turning that silence into a fantasy you could almost taste, was better than being awake and facing your reality.

sleep had been your way to escape the quiet then, but these days, you enjoyed every second of it.

for the first few weeks of being away from mike and abby, you'd been unnerved by the still air of your parent's house. everything was calm and collected and unlike anything you'd experienced in the past two years, and you'd wanted to accept it with open arms, but your body held you back with a bit of apprehension.

everything felt so relaxed, but when would it blow up?

the thought had lingered in the back of your mind as you went about your life---another semester of school went by, and another birthday, grocery store trips, gas station visits, lunches with your parents and friends; soon, you're not thinking of anything going wrong ever again.

you were uncomfortable with peace at first, but now, you realized how invaluable it was. everyone deserved peace, and since you'd gotten yours, you hadn't wanted to let it go.

you were resting in this peace once more, curled up on the living room couch and leisurely clicking through your gradebook when it's shattered down the middle by ...baby one more time.

it was abby's ringtone, the one you'd selected specially for her. it would've filled you with glee, getting a call from your favorite girl, if it weren't for the fact that she never called. she was more comfortable with texts and emails and you respected that. you wanted to make this time in her life as serene as possible, and wrote her back once that phone calls will only be for emergencies then, okay?

it was 10:27 pm, and she should've been asleep, watched by max or whoever mike had hired as her babysitter now. you answer the phone after the second ring, closing your laptop. "is everythi---"

"y/n," she sobs, and suddenly you're fully alert, placing your computer on the couch cushions and shooting to your feet. "can you please come get me?" you don't hesitate to dash to your room and throw on clothes at her distressed tone, keeping your phone between your shoulder and cheek. your heart pounds, the sound wooshing through your skull.

still, you muster up the courage to ask, "abby, what's going on? are you okay, are you hurt? where's max?"

"she got into a-a fight with mike. she didn't come when s-she was supposed to, and mike was u-u-upset that she was gonna make him late for work. they had been yelling at each other so he left, and then max did too. i don't think she t-t-old him." you stop all of your movements at her hiccupping, squeezing your eyes shut.

"she just left you alone at the house?"

"y-yes, and i've been trying to call and text mike but he's n-not picking up."

you'd always known that mike put his phone on Do Not Disturb when he went to work, but that was before. that was when you were the one watching abby at night. you don't understand why he still keeps it on, and why abby's not able to bypass the setting.

"when did he leave?"

"l-like 30 minutes ago. max left like f-five ago."

"how many times did you call him?"

"eight."

you bite at your bottom lip as you fight to hold back tears. your hands ball into fists at the rage that you feel inside, hot and searing and aimed at the two adults that left an eleven-year-old unaccompanied.

"i want you to pack a bag with enough stuff for a couple of weeks, okay? i'm gonna come get you and you're gonna stay with me for a little."

abby's calmed down enough to say, "but isn't your parents' house too small?" without stuttering. it was, but that was irrelevant. in the grand scheme of everything, the amount of space didn't matter. you just wanted abby to be safe.

"doesn't matter, sweet girl. they'll understand, and we'll do all the fun stuff we used to do together. we're gonna do karaoke, and watch movies, a-and we can paint again. don't you miss that?"

you can hear abby nod, and when she sniffles, murmuring, "i miss it a lot," you're like an olympian sprinting to your car, cooing, "lock the front door and wait for me in your room, yeah? everything's going to be okay, abby, i promise."

you're throwing your car into gear like you drive for a living, speeding all the way across town. you'd be fearful for cops if the pure adrenaline of your past hadn't been coursing through your veins; you feel transported back to the days of rushing over to abby's school, sweeping her into your arms as she wailed about mike forgetting her day in and day out.

you were her savior then, and though you loved her beyond words, you'd never wanted to be that. when you'd left, you thought you'd finally shed that title, but here you were again. you'd wrap her up in your arms and she'd see that halo over your head again, thanking you for saving her from the common denominator in both of your problems; the one person that had roped you two back into this pattern.

you still do the wrapping when she runs into your arms in the foyer, of course, holding her so tight that you're afraid you might break her, and as you do, you take in her environment.

the house hadn't been in complete shambles like you'd expected, but it still wasn't anywhere near what it should've been. there were dishes piled in one side of the sink, surrounded by buzzing gnats, and clothes thrown all around the living room. none of them are abby's.

"max's been trying to help me clean, but mike just ruins our progress," abby sits next to her bags on the couch once you let her go, staring up at you with red-rimmed eyes that take you back to the day you left.

"help you clean?" you gripe, glaring at empty, sticky-looking cups and the heap of mail, mostly bills, on the dining table.

"mike..." abby drops her eyes down to her feet, picking a piece of skin off the edge of her thumb. "nothing really changed when you left." she continues on, telling you about how everything had gotten worse in the six months that you'd been gone.

mike had quit his other job and started locking himself in his room again. sometimes, he even forgot to take abby to school after work, despite her shouting and banging against the door to get him to do so.

after her failed attempts, she'd sit in her room all day, falling asleep in her fort after sobbing for hours upon hours, while mike showed up to the pickup lane of her school in the afternoon bleary-eyed and disheveled.

"mr. schmidt, abby was never dropped off."

he'd come back home to find her curled up and snoring under her tent; safe and sound in this strange way that should've disturbed him. it should've made his blood boil, anger directed towards himself when he realized that he'd just dreamtthat he'd taken her to school instead of tangibly doing it. it should've worried him that her school might pick up on that, and get higher powers involved.

with his latest cocktail, an ambien and a beer (or two), however, he felt nothing at all.

once he'd seen abby in her room, he'd closed the door and sent them back into the same cycle he'd created.

max had tried her best to take care of abby, but considering the fact that mike wasn't paying her anything, she couldn't always afford to help abby in the way she wanted and mike hadn't been much help. he'd always leave without a word when she showed up at night, and even when she'd begun taking abby to school in the mornings, he hadn't shown any gratitude. he'd only used it to feel better about his irresponsibility, feeling on top of the world when he dropped by abby's school and she was actually there to be picked up.

max's generosity had allowed mike to wholeheartedly slip back into his previous neglectful autopilot; he saw his duties as guardian done when food was in the fridge, toiletries were in the bathroom, and his sister was enclosed in the house, and that pissed you off to the highest degree.

you understood max's stance with fighting against him, but you wondered why abby had to be hurt in the process. she was just a child, someone that shouldn't have been brought in the middle of a petty squabble between two adults. max should've never left her alone, and you're desperate to chew her out as well.

"i think i might get kicked out of school too," abby solemnly tells you now as you throw her bags into the backseat of your car and buckle her up in the front. "i don't think he can afford it anymore. they pull him aside to talk every time he comes and gets me. 'just give me more time', he always says."

your eyes fill with tears again, and you let them fall. she was only eleven and deserved none of this. you were sure that if you had nothing to live for, you'd kill mike. you felt like there was no remedy for anything he'd done until he was gone, completely separate from you and abby in every way, shape, and form.

an idea that wouldn't land you life in prison formulates in your head, and it's this idea that propels you to freddy's, your hand smoothing down abby's flyaways as you drive with an aching heart.

"stay in here, okay?" you tell her once you've stopped the car in the desolate parking lot of mike's job. "lock the doors behind me."

"y/n, i'm sorry for not telling you anything about what was happening," she seems genuinely disappointed in herself, closing her own teary eyes. a single droplet cascades down her cheek and you caress it, placing a soft, forgiving kiss on her forehead. her emails and texts had made it seem like everything was okay, but you couldn't blame her for putting on a front.

you'd let go from them and she'd understood why. she didn't want to worry you about her and her brother, the brother who'd made you wear a smile while he dragged you through hell. none of that was her fault, but still; she was related to him and felt like a mess, a burden by association. "i didn't tell anyone because i was afraid they would send me away an---"

"it's okay, abby," you purr, opening your car door and sticking your leg out. "soon, you won't have to be afraid anymore. i'll make sure of it."

you remind her of your original instructions and she nods, clicking the electronic lock on the door panel as you march to the dated entrance of the pizzeria. you grit your teeth, bashing your balled fists on the door.

"open the fuck up, mike!" you scream, turning your flaming face towards the security camera as you continue your assault against the building. your hands prickle with the feeling of the solid glass on your skin but you push it aside, pounding as hard as you can. "mike! i swear to fucking god, open this fucking door!"

your throat is nearly raw from shouting for so long, and you begin kicking at the door when it finally swings open, and your feet and hands are connecting with mike's loose frame.

"y/n, what the fuck..." his speech is slurred, and it only angers you further. you don't stop your movements, smacking at his body with a fury you don't think you've ever felt in your entire life.

mike feels nothing of the sort. he barely feels anything, disoriented and numb from the drug-induced nap he'd been taking.

you'd been in his dream; shit, you'd been in them forever, but more so since the two of you had broken up. it felt like a part of his punishment for everything he'd done, though he thought that was the only way he'd ever see you again. he doesn't expect to feel the weight of your small fists beating against his chest, or that he'll have to wrangle his arms around your waist to stop your attack on him. you're still as beautiful as ever, so red-faced and irritated in your favorite sweats, but he knows it doesn't matter. it's just a thought, one that doesn't even work to deflect his attention from your violent efforts. "jesus christ, stop---hitti--"

"get the fuck off me, mike!" you screech, forcefully shoving your hands into the center of his chest. his arms around your waist made you feel dizzy once upon a time, but feeling them now, for any reason, makes you want to throw up, and you're nearly crying as he tightens them around you. "get off!"

"stop trying to beat the shit out of me, then!" he retorts, stumbling back as you push into him once more when he finally drops you. you're both staring at each other, your breaths labored and emotional, and you launch straight into your tirade, jamming a finger in mike's face.

"well, why don't you stop dragging me back into your life! max left abby at home alone and i was the only person who could help her, mike," he opens his mouth to tiredly protest, but you turn your finger into an entire hand, halting his words. "and before you say, 'well, she could've called me', she did. she called you eight times, but you didn't answer. abby would've been home by herself all night because of you and now, i have to be wrapped up in this again. was almost two years not enough?"

mike's slow mind begins to jog with the mention of abby being alone, but he's still slurring, sunken eyes dark in the low lighting of the vacant pizzeria. "y/n..."

"you're taking the ambien again, aren't you?"

he's licking his lips and letting out a deep sigh, his eyes fluttering to the ground. you begin to hiss, "tell me the truth" when he finally mutters, "i need it."

your laugh is sharp and bitter and aimed towards the sky, tears cresting your lash line again. "like you needed it then, too?"

you never thought you'd see mike again, or at least not so soon. it's saddening to you that your reunion is filled with such distress. you couldn't be happy to see him even if you tried, and that thought pricked at your body with the intensity of a million needles.

how pathetic, all that time you'd been together, all that love and affection reduced to anger pulsing in your heart.

"you're so hopeless, mike." the words sting your tongue, filling the air between you with bitter animosity, but both of you know it's not a lie. "i don't understand why you won't change; not even just for abby, or for me, but for yourself. this wasn't what this was supposed to be," you dig your teeth into the plushiness of your bottom lip as you weep on. "we alldeserve better than this. we were supposed to better our lives together."

"yeah, we were, and then you left."

you wrinkle your forehead irritably, snapping, "you don't get to use that against me. you know exactly why i left."

mike stares at you, grinding his molars together with a tight, clenched jaw. "that's also why i'm gonna take full custody of abby."

it's mike's turn to chuckle now, the sound rumbling through his chest and causing him to place his palm on his abdomen. he bends over slightly, rolling through the motions of an exaggerated belly laugh, and you cross your arms over your chest, straightening your posture. "this isn't some kind of joke. i'm serious, mike."

"yeah, okay, y/n." his groggy, nonchalant tone irritates you; it makes it impossible to not think about how he's probably like this at home, hiding away and drugging himself to sleep, ignoring the one person that needs him more than ever.

"you're in no position to take care of her! you get home from work and lock yourself in your room, forget to take your little sister to school, and ignore her calls when you're at work so you can sleep through your entire shift!" you hadn't yelled that intensely since you'd found out mike had cheated on you, and it didn't even feel good. there was nothing rewarding about it, and it made swallowing to soothe your throat more painful. "so i'm taking her far the fuck away from you. she's had it hard enough, and it's me, your aunt, or the state. i refuse for abby to have to grow up in an environment that's not safe for her, and you're going to have to deal with that."

you're giving him a tight smile, holding your shaky hands in surrender as you pace backwards towards the entrance. you shrug your shoulders at mike's expression, pinched and angry and pointed as you begin to push the main doors open.

“yeah, you wanna play mommy to my little sister cause you can’t have kids of your own?”

you freeze in place, painfully furrowing your eyebrows. there's a piercing ache in your stomach, the poke of mike's dig at you spreading to every nerve in your body.

something you'd revealed to him when you two had seriously talked about living together and settling down, all tearful and dreary and apologetic, now used against you like it had the weight of some kind of crime deserving life.

he'd held you that night, kissing your cheeks and comforting you, whispering, "you don't have anything to apologize for, baby. me, you, and abby can be a family."

you hadn't wanted to be some young parent, but you'd loved the idea of a support system and a place that was actuallyhome, the hub of everything family. you'd been raised in that and wanted to continue it, carrying on that closeness in your own time.

so many doctors visits had told you that it wouldn't be possible. you'd worked hard to accept it, and though it pained you every time thoughts of growing old and settling down swirled in your head, mike had helped you truly come to terms with it. "who knows what miracle could happen? even so, family can be created or chosen. we can build our family in so many ways, okay?"

you're back to freddy's as quickly as you drifted, wondering if mike had thought about the same memory as you after he'd let the words foolishly tumble from his mouth. his face reveals little, his hooded eyes looking to the dust-covered information board beside you.

mike was able to play both roles; he could be the sweet, gentle, affectionate type, but recently, if you provoked him in any way, he turned grating and cruel. you didn't understand him anymore. you hadn't in a long time, but in this particular moment, he's completely and totally lost on you.

in the past, he was asking why you hadn't left him, so guilty and ashamed and saying he didn't deserve you, but even after leaving, you'd gotten sucked back in, every single second in his presence a punch to the gut as he showed you exactly what he meant.

you're giving him room to say something, anything, maybe even apologize, but there's just silence that you can't enjoy. something you'd become so fond of begins to drive you up a wall, so you huff despairingly and mutter, “it's for her own good, mike.” before leaving.

accommodating your life for abby hadn't been on your bucket list, but you were surprised at how effortlessly you'd fallen into being her full-time caretaker again. you'd immediately sprung into action, letting abby inhabit your bedroom while you sorted everything out with your parents. they hadn't been overwhelmed with joy about the circumstances, as they'd never cared for mike much, but they don't judge you.

though what you're doing is big, they understand what you're doing it for. someone you'd do anything for, someone that you wanted to protect and nurture. you were willing to put it all on the line for abby's well-being, and they admired you for that.

they'd fortunately helped you get into a small apartment, one close to abby's school, and you'd gotten in contact with abby's aunt, pleading your case for custody to her with a highly-detailed portfolio over brunch.

she wasn't your favorite person, the stick up her ass unbearable at times, but you'd needed her to see you as competent enough to go through with transferring her petition for full responsibility of abby. you'd been nervous at first, but the massive amount of damning evidence and "shit-talking" on mike's behalf had been enough for her to see you as fit, in addition to your "stable, ordinary career".

though she'd been easy to win over, you hadn't expected mike to be as well after your encounter at freddy's. with the way he'd reacted when you broke the news, you'd thought you'd be arguing with him constantly, bickering about how he wasn't in a good enough spot to keep abby in his charge.

only that never happened, and you'd let out a big sigh when you received signed documents in the mail, relinquishing all of his rights and privileges as abby's guardian. his name wass scribbled across the signature lines in thin, inky strokes, slanted and sloppy.

like everything regarding your connection, it was bittersweet. abby had even expressed the same sentiment when you'd picked her up from her newly-attended after school program. you'd told her aunt about her schooling, and she'd agreed to help pay for most of it considering that abby was in your care now.

"money won't go to waste now. i wanted mike to work for it, the lazy fool. i wasn't gonna let my money go down the drain with him."

you'd simply nodded at her confession, unsure of why all of the adults in abby's life had failed her. not paying for her school because of mike was idiotic to you, but you'd brushed it aside with the thought that she could finally be fully enriched now.

all of the new possibility, for both you and abby, rode on your shoulders, and though you'd been curious as to why you were the one chosen for this responsibility, you'd accepted it with open arms.

"y/n," abby's voice pulls you from your thoughts, and you're back to sitting at the small dinette in your new kitchen with her, lo mein weaved around your wooden chopsticks. the noodles slip when you jolt with a soft, "huh". her eyes are wide and inquisitive, and you close your own to recollect yourself. "are you okay?"

"yeah, i'm sorry. just thinking about...things."

"not about shrimp lo mein, i see," abby giggles deviously, reaching her hand into your container to snatch a shrimp. she pops it into her mouth with a hum as you gawk in fake disapproval, getting her back for a piece of her sesame chicken.

"and you're not thinking about sesame chicken, so take that," you retort, the both of you falling into hushed, familiar laughter that makes the rapid change of your life so worth it.

you'd taken a bit of time off from work to deal with constant meetings and court dates, and even though abby had already been staying with you during the entire case, you were now her appointed guardian and it felt unreal.

you'd seen how happy she'd gotten. it was like the old days, when you'd first met; she was so lively and joyous and curious then, and you'd been so thrilled to see that sparkle return to her eye with every trip to the children's museum, morning conversation on the ride to school, and dragged out bedtime story.

you knew that every signature, every eerie government building, every early morning and late night, everything----it had all gone into ensuring that abby had endless moments like that, and ones like the present; eating her favorite chinese food after finishing up homework and bathing, and giggling with you as she was reminded that she'd never have to worry about being taken care of ever again.

you couldn't let anyone down, especially not her. you'd taken the biggest risk to change her life, and in knowing that, savior didn't feel like such a heavy title.

now, it was freeing; to save didn't feel so crushing anymore.

"don't worry about my things," you stretch your arm across the vinyl table for her hand, brushing your thumb across her delicate skin with a warm, loving smile. "all that matters right now is that you're here with me, safe and cared for. that's a thing we can both think about."

(,: didn't think i'd write anything else for this au but they get me every time. how sweet. i hope you all enjoyed! thank you so much again for 1k, i love you all!!

faire's seedlings ✿

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#fnaf #fnaf fic #mike schmidt #mike schmidt x reader #fnaf movie #abby schmidt #faire’s mike schmidt <3 #faire is writing stuff #josh hutcherson #mike schmidt angst #faire says #omg #more angst from me (are we surprised)

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misshoneyimhome · 11 months ago

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i have more of a cute ask then a smut one but going back to the interview will did in sweden, what if it was him getting asked if he’s single and he starts talking abt his gf and how much he loves her and it’s all cute

Bb, you had me at cute ask ❤️ I’m all with you on this one, because let’s face it, that boy may not fall easily, but when he does, it’s deep 😉

➼｡ﾟ

Cause All of Me, Loves All of You I William Nylander

William had grown used to being in the spotlight.

As a star player for the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team, his exceptional talent had consistently garnered attention. However, in recent years, he had found himself in the spotlight even more.

Currently on a global series tour, the team had the pleasure of playing in what he considered to be his hometown of Stockholm. Despite his birthplace being in Calgary, Canada, Sweden had always felt more like home to William. His familial roots lay in Sweden, and everything from the language to the traditions and homey cuisine resonated deeply with him, reflecting his strong connection to Swedish culture.

And as the team arrived in Stockholm, the media naturally focused their attention on the charming 27-year-old. Interviews, signing sessions, and a flurry of media engagements ensued.

Yet, none of this could have prepared him for what was about to unfold next.

William had been asked to appear on a national Swedish talk show hosted by the charming Bianca, to which he’d graciously accepted. It was nothing like he’d ever done before, but since he’d done numerous of interviews, he figured it might be enjoyable to give it a shot.

And as he sat comfortably in the make-up chair, nearly ready for the show, you quietly peeked in to check on him.

Him. Your boyfriend. William Andrew Michael Junior Nylander Altelius.

You had met him several months back, and casually dated for weeks before deciding to elevate your relationship to a more serious level.

Though he had shared snippets of his life on social media, he had never directly mentioned you. During interviews he’d deliberately avoided any mention of girls or dating, focusing solely on hockey, as instructed by managers. Not that you minded at all.

The spotlight belonged to him, not you. And you respected his desire to keep his private life just that - private - and to shield his loved ones from the unpredictable nature of the media.

At first, it had stung a bit, the thought that he might be embarrassed or not serious about you. However, following a heartfelt conversation after a minor disagreement, you came to understand his reasons for keeping your relationship private – he wanted to shield you from potential scrutiny.

And as time passed, your relationship evolved, and eventually, neither of you fretted much about others' opinions.

With a gentle stride, you approached him, a smile gracing your lips as you glanced at him through the mirror, feeling immensely proud of your remarkable man.

"Ready for the big spotlight?" you teased lightly, eliciting a soft laugh from William.

"Sure," he replied nonchalantly.

"Feeling okay, darling?"

William nodded gently. "Yeah, I suppose I'm just a bit nervous... I've never done anything like this before."

"You'll be brilliant, Willy," you reassured, leaning against the make-up stand, gazing down at him with a tender expression. "Everyone will adore you."

"What if I mess up?" he asked timidly, despite knowing he had been well-prepped and having years of experience in media work. Nevertheless, a faint sense of uncertainty lingered within him.

"Come on, babe, you've practically aced situations like this a million times," you reassured him with a comforting smile. "If they start digging into your personal life, smoothly turn the conversation back to hockey. And if they bring up anything negative about your career, family, or anything else that makes you uneasy, just flash them that stunning, confident smile of yours and throw in a cheeky comeback."

Your words seemed to soothe William; his tense muscles gradually relaxing as he regained control over his racing heartbeat.

"And in the worst-case scenario, use the political strategy - answer a question with another question. Journalists hate that," you chuckled, your unconventional communication advice amusing William.

"Wow, babe, you should be in PR," he jested, earning a playful huff from you.

"Yeah, right. Dealing with people and the media all day? No thanks, I'm good sticking to my desk," you retorted with a wink, teasingly.

And amidst your shared laughter, the crew arrived to usher William away and prepare him for the interview.

"See you later, babe," he murmured, planting a gentle kiss on your lips as he rose from his seat. "You'll be backstage the whole time, yeah?"

"Of course," you replied with a soft smile. As William exited the dressing room, your gaze lingered on the man you deeply loved, observing him getting ready for the show, a profound sense of pride and happiness filling you.

And as the stage lights prepared to illuminate and the show was set to commence, William felt the heat more than expected. The temperature seemed much higher than he'd anticipated, so despite his initial confidence in his casual attire for the night, the loose jacket gradually became too much. Eventually, he opted to ditch it, appearing on stage solely in a white tank top.

Your eyes fixated on him as he shed the jacket, causing you to gently bite your lower lip at the sight. "Fuck, he looks good," you thought, simultaneously feeling a twinge of disappointment as he exposed his impressive physique to the world.

But quickly shaking off the feeling, you reminded yourself that you'd be the only one appreciating his body later tonight. That is until Bianca remarked on his toned physique, and Marinna, sweetly and slightly embarrassed, delicately touched his upper arm while praising his defined muscles.

And she wasn't wrong.

William did indeed possess an impressive physique. His body bore the results of elite sports training - muscles finely sculpted and defined, with a hint of thickness that hinted at his love for food, almost rivalling his passion for hockey.

Among his many physical attributes, his thighs stood out, at least in your opinion. They were solid, strong, and defined, and overall, your favourite spot to snuggle up against.

Then there was his torso - a well-built frame adorned with a light smattering of chest hair that you often playfully ran your fingers through.

And those arms, strong enough to envelop you in a tight embrace, effortlessly lifting you as if you weighed nothing at all.

You understood precisely how the two women felt, sitting next to your boyfriend, their eyes lingering on him with a hint of desire. And a slight smirk danced on your lips.

The show went on smoothly. William handled each question with professionalism, infusing his responses with his trademark laughter, showcasing both his expertise and his enjoyment.

However, it was the subsequent line of questioning that caught you completely off guard. Bianca, far from being subtle, dove straight in with her probing questions.

"So, you're single?" Bianca inquired, obviously aiming to captivate the attention of anyone eager to hear that coveted 'yes' slip from William's lips.

And though you half-expected that response, considering he'd never publicly acknowledged your relationship, his words proved you wrong.

"No… No, I'm actually not," William chuckled.

Your heart sank at his announcement of his relationship status, fully aware that this would be broadcasted worldwide, potentially sparking a flurry of quotes and discussions across the internet.

"Aha, and who's the lucky person?" Bianca inquired, maintaining her professional tone.

William paused, contemplating how much to reveal. He understood that you preferred a low-profile existence, and his management had advised keeping his dating life discreet for as long as possible.

Yet, an overwhelming urge surged within him to pour out everything he adored about you. He wanted the world to know; how you crossed paths, seamlessly integrating into his chaotic life, adjusting effortlessly to his roller-coaster schedule. He yearned to shout out his love for you, to express how incredible you were for standing by his side through every high and low, and to proclaim your stunning beauty, kindness, and unwavering care. He wanted everyone to know it all.

However, composed he tried to remain, a broad grin crossed his face as he began, "She's this wonderful person who entered my life a few months back, and luckily for me, she decided to stick around," he added a casual jest, though he could feel his heart racing and his cheeks turning a faint shade of pink, by the mention of you.

"So, you've been together for a while?" Bianca probed.

"Um, only a couple of months… It took me ages to ask her out and convince her to go on a date with me," he chuckled, lightly rubbing his slightly sweaty hands together, excitement coursing through his body.

"Wait, she didn't want to go out with you at first?" Bianca chuckled lightly. "Wow, she must be out of her mind - how did that go?"

William couldn't hide his pure excitement as he started talking about you. "Oh, she definitely is! I mean, she's just so amazing and wonderful, probably way out of my league," he blurted out, his words running ahead of his thoughts. "She's intelligent, funny, and initially, she kept laughing whenever I asked her out because she thought I was joking. But on my fifth attempt, she finally agreed to give me a chance."

"On your fifth try? That's keeping a man on his toes," Bianca remarked, intrigued by the unfolding tale.

"Oh yeah, she definitely didn't make it easy, but it only made me want to get her to say yes more," William confessed, his eyes reflecting the nostalgia of those initial weeks after meeting you.

"So, what changed her mind about you?" Bianca inquired, observing William as he pondered his response.

"Honestly, I'm not sure - perhaps someone convinced her that I'm an alright guy and she should give it a shot," he answered, his words not far from the truth.

In reality, when William had persistently pursued you, and you had turned him down multiple times due to his overly confident yet enticing demeanour, it was Auston Matthews who convinced you to give William a chance. With his own charm, Auston had convinced you by highlighting how much William desired not just a physical connection but found your energy and personality irresistible.

"And things worked out in the end?" Bianca probed further.

"Well, somehow, yes," William continued. "I managed to take her out on a few dates, but relying solely on charm didn't work. I had to prove that I meant everything behind my words and eventually express how I truly felt."

As William delved into a more emotionally charged aspect of the conversation, his voice gradually relaxed. Expressing deep feelings had never been his forte, a pivotal moment in your relationship when you had urged him to be straightforward and honest because you couldn't read his thoughts.

This nudged him to make a genuine effort to articulate his innermost feelings, leading to heartfelt conversations about your emotions for each other.

Bianca smiled, noticing the interview taking on a more romantic tone, and then Marianna joined in.

"Did she make you ask?" she sweetly inquired. "Did you have to ask her to be your girlfriend?"

"Oh, absolutely," William chuckled again. "Yes, I had to ask directly, otherwise, she said it didn't count."

Laughter and smiles filled the studio as William's infectious laughter resonated once more.

The situation had unfolded just as William described.

He hadn't initially considered discussing labels, content with enjoying your company. But you, well acquainted with boys like him, knew their tendency to keep a girl around until they grew bored and moved on. So, you diplomatically and casually laid down the options: either you were dating with a view to be serious or simply good friends with benefits - exceptionally good benefits, of course.

So, realizing that to keep you exclusively for himself, William needed to take a more direct approach, and eventually he asked you directly, to which you naturally responded with a 'yes'.

As the interview gradually drew to a close, you found yourself unable to contain your amusement. Though slightly taken aback by William's sudden honesty and directness in discussing you, you couldn't help but smile.

Amidst the final applause and the cameraman calling "cut," William stood up and made his way backstage to join you before meeting up with his friends and family.

A smile graced your lips as you welcomed your man with open arms, both of you enveloping each other in a deep, affectionate hug followed by a tender kiss.

"You were amazing, babe," you gently praised after parting from the embrace, gazing up at him with sparkling eyes.

"Yeah, you think so? I hope I didn't share too much - I felt like I just kept talking and talking, and-"

"Willy," you interrupted his rambling. "You were perfect, love - I'm just surprised you said all those things about… us."

"Well, I just wanted everyone to know how much I love you… and," he exhaled softly, as if it were a relief to finally share his deep thoughts. "I can't stop thinking about how much I want you around all the time and… I never want you to leave me."

In that fleeting moment of profound tenderness, your heart quickened at his heartfelt words.

"Willy… I'll never leave you. I love you so much, and I'll always be by your side," you whispered gently, still wrapped in his embrace, feeling the reassurance as his arms tightened around you, drawing you closer.

"Promise?" he softly asked, his eyes reflecting a hint of concern.

"I promise," you almost breathed out, drawing him into another deep kiss.

For a moment, it felt as if the world had faded away, leaving both of you lost in the intimacy, until Calle's voice abruptly shattered the intimate bubble.

"Jeez, Willy, you might as well have proposed on stage with that speech about your girl," he chuckled loudly as he and the other Swedes joined you.

"Oh, please don't give him any ideas," you laughed lightly, with a hint of seriousness, gently pulling back from William's embrace, though his arm remained securely around your waist.

"Don't worry about that," Calle teased further. "He's already got it all planned out."

William chuckled along with his friend's playful banter, knowing that there might indeed be a hint of truth in it. At least in his heart, he was set on making you his completely one day, ready to offer you half of what he owned and all of his heart.

#my asks #william nylander imagine #toronto maple leafs imagine #nhl hockey imagine #wn88 imagine

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littlestkoi-n · 7 months ago

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I've been thinking about how much I adore Tonks and Remus' dynamic but physically cannot ship them because my brain is being weird about their fucking age gap. this is so frustrating. they would have been so lovely for me if Tonks was like at least 27 in 5th book. Ronks (yeah I'm not calling it Remadora, Tonks hates her birth name ffs) would have been my ride-or-die alongside Jily and Wolfstar for sure.

because literally nothing else that Ronks antis consider deal breakers for them matters to me - not the fumbled way they get together in canon, not them getting married so quickly, not Tonks getting pregnant, not the assumed queer-coding of both characters (which I personally see, don't get me wrong. but it's assumed and who the fuck says they can't be queer4queer anyway?). sure, the nuclear family narrative being pushed so quickly and thoroughly onto them is peculiar but who says they didn't want to make the most of their time during a war? I love wartime drama and they would have been my shit if it weren't for... well. Tonks being 22 and Remus 35 when they meet.

I just can't ship big age gaps unless the youngest character is closer to 30 than 20. which is infuriating, because Ronks is objectively more fascinating because of their gap. my fucking loss, don't you think?

anyway, after thinking of ways I can make Tonks older without hurting the story, I began wondering whether her age is narratively important, and yes, turns out it very much is - for Harry.

Tonks being 22 in order of phoenix makes her the closest of Order members to Harry's age (Weasley twins don't count because they're Ron's brothers first, order members second for Harry) and the one Order member Harry can relate to the most in his youth and desire to fight. She almost perfectly parallels marauders and Lily in first war and represents the fun of the fight, the fire of youth, the confidence of a new recruit, the safety of relatability for Harry. She's one of the biggest inspirations for his newfound dream of becoming an auror. Harry needs Tonks among those older, battle-worn, cautious, secretive adults who don't take him seriously and never look him in the eye, because he wants to be what she is even before realising it and only reflects on it after spending time with her.

all in all, Tonks being 22 matters quite a lot for Harry's story.

now, we have no way of knowing whether Joanne came up with Ronks storyline prior to Tonks' introduction, but it shouldn't matter for their relationship, not in Joanne's opinion - Tonks' youth already fulfilled its narrative role in order of phoenix and stopped being an important asset of her character in half-blood prince.

oh, but unfortunately it still matters in the grand scheme of things, Joanne. you don't just introduce a young adult character (I'm 21 myself and gods, 22/23 is barely more mature), chuck their established age out the window and pair them up with a character in their mid-to-late thirties. and of fucking course it makes sense for a 23 year old to be down bad for some scruffy 36 year old man, it's incredibly realistic! this 36 year old man acting upon such crush is a little questionable, but still realistic (and we know Remus is very flawed, so I'm not surprised). but you know what isn't realistic at all?

Molly - a 46 year old woman, married to her high school sweetheart, mother to 7 children, 3 of which are close to Tonks' age - being extremely supportive of actually engaging in that sort of relationship, going as far as reprimanding Remus for not committing to it. I'm sorry, what? Molly might have some flaws as a mother, but she is nothing if not protective of her kids and those in their age range. She genuinely becomes somewhat of a mother figure for Tonks during their time in the Order, and I just cannot for the life of me understand how Molly could encourage her to pursue Remus and vice-versa, instead of consoling Tonks in her tragic crush and making sure Remus doesn't even look at her like that.

Minerva - an even older woman who taught both Remus and Tonks at Hogwarts, witnessed Remus becoming an adult from his graduation in 1978 up until 1981, then saw an 11 year old Tonks start Hogwarts 3 years later in 1984 - chiding Remus for not being "brave" enough to commit to such relationship. first of all, why the fuck is she involved in that narrative at all? it's none of her business??? she's not in any pseudo parenting role for either of them, unlike Molly, so I never understood why she even has a place to voice her opinion about their romance. second of all, even if it was her business, Minerva - a professor who witnessed both Remus and Tonks grow up so many years apart - would realistically feel pretty weird about such relationship.

those aren't problems with the ship itself, but rather the way Joanne implemented their romance in the story. I think it would be more realistic if Ronks was some kind of fucked up forbidden romance from other characters' perspectives. the way everybody is so instantly supportive of them is quite jarring to me.

interestingly, when I read hp for the first time at 11 I was quite adamant in my belief that Tonks was in love with Molly up until that scene in half-blood prince. a very weird belief for a kid, I know. I just only liked girls at the time and was relating to Tonks quite a bit since her introduction, so I guess I unconsciously decided she was a lesbian even without knowing that term yet. I also had a crush on my teacher in 4th grade and she was quite similar to Molly... yeah, this girl was projecting too much. I didn't pick up on Remus' queer-coding until I fell down the rabbit hole of lgbt discourse at 14, but was pretty shocked to read about Tonks falling for a man at 11. she was so like me until she wasn't :) it's pretty funny to think about now.

in conclusion, I'm hella jealous of those of you who don't have weird brains and can enjoy Ronks to their fullest potential. their canon writing has its issues but they're more interesting for it, truly. I'll stay in my no fun corner, headcanoning them as lavender married, queer-platonic, bisexual besties co-parenting Teddy Alastor Tonks.

#ronks #remadora #i don't like that ship name ugh #remus x tonks #tonks #nymphadora tonks #remus lupin #harry james potter #molly weasley #minerva mcgonagall #teddy lupin #teddy tonks tho #cuz remus doesn't deserve him #canonically deadbeat dad #lowkey wanna punch this man

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year ago

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AITA for not wanting my sister's partner at my wedding?

So I (28f) do not like my sister's (27) partner (27m).

Most of my family don't like him, because he doesn't really interact with us at family events. He'll turn up, sit in a corner or away from everyone else, and watch Tiktok's on his phone with no headphones. He won't even join us at the table to eat most of the time, and doesn't make an effort to participate in conversations or even really acknowledge us. He'll also most likely want to leave as soon as food finished so he and my sister never stay long, because they're almost always the last to arrive.

Aside from this, a lot of my dislike for him is because up until about 6 months ago I would constantly be getting calls from my sister about some new thing she was mad at him for. How she'd just found his profile on a dating app (she'd hunted him down because she was suspicious), or how'd he'd met up with another person for a date while on a business trip.

Her partner always gave excuses of course. The profile was actually a friend using his photos so he could stalk an ex (totally not a red flag on its own). They hadn't been serious when he'd met up with someone else, so it didn't count (she'd been moving into his house/watching his child at the time).

The reason she stopped calling me about these issues is because 6 months ago she announced that she was pregnant with his child, and since then she's been determined to claim that everything is fine between them. They even got engaged recently.

Now, I've been planning my wedding to my fiance (24m) because we want to get married next year. We're on a tight budget so we're really trying to only invite people we actually want to be there, and neither of us particulary want my sister's fiance to come.

I have discussed this with her previously, and she wasn't happy but agreed that it was my wedding and I could do what I want. However that was before the baby and their engagement, and I'm worried if I stick to my guns and don't invite him she's going to be pissed at me. She's already gotten annoyed at me once when talking about how none of the family really likes her fiance, because she thinks we don't trust her judgement or something.

In my opinion, it's more that I spent months listening to her cry over this man because of all the shitty things he'd said or done, and how much he was triggering her relationship issues (her last long term relationship was extremely toxic and abusive and left her with a lot of trust problems). As far as I was aware, she was on the absolute verge of breaking up with him until she learned she was pregnant.

WIBTA if I stick to my plans and don't invite her fiance?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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isfjmel-phleg · 6 months ago

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Triumph (Will MacIntyre) Reading List

The forgotten founder of the Justice League has a more fascinating story than he's given credit for, so I've compiled a reading list for anyone interested in this tragedy.

Return: Electromagnetically-powered superhero Triumph (Will MacIntyre) escapes a rift in time only to find out that the Justice League he founded doesn't remember him and he has lost ten years of his life.

Justice League Task Force #15

Justice League International Vol. 2 #67

Justice League America #92

Justice League Task Force #16

Justice League International Vol. 2 #68

Zero Hour: Crisis in Time #1, 0 (this series is numbered backward)

Justice League Task Force: Trying to Fit In: Relegated to a junior branch of the JLA and mentored by a hero who used to be his peer, Will endeavors to make up for lost time and rebuild his life.

Justice League Task Force #0, #17-26

Solo: Unsatisfied with working with the Task Force, Will sets out on his own, leading a new team, and is forced to address a past from which he has been trying to distance himself.

Showcase '94 #12 ("Lost Time")

Triumph #1-4

[As a supplement to the solo, I recommend reading writer Christopher Priest's essay on the character, which includes notes for the solo, as well as the full script of the series, which offers more insight into what he had in mind for the story and character that may not have come across effectively in the finished product. For instance, there are detailed character profiles with important background info in the script for Triumph #4 that didn't make it into the actual issue.]

Justice League Task Force: Failure: Will's pride and insubordination build tension between him and the leader of the Task Force.

The Ray 1994 #14

Justice League Task Force #27-29

Deal with the Devil: During the "Underworld Unleashed" event, the demon Neron approaches Will at a particularly low point with an offer to give him back his lost years in exchange for his soul.

Justice League Task Force #30-37

Alternate Timelines and Later Appearances: The above stories form a complete arc, but Triumph has also featured in other stories, although these were very seldom written consistently with his original portrayal.

The Ray 1994 #25 (In a timeline in which Ray Terrill continues to work for Vandal Savage and turns evil, Ray is frenemies with a now middle-aged Triumph.)

JLA #28-31 (An utterly humiliated and somehow depowered Will gains access to a malevolent genie, turns evil, and attacks the JLA to regain his place among them but is ultimately defeated. This is the character's official ending, but arguably he is not written in character, references are made to incidents that have not been previously featured, and important details of his background, like his broken back--which would be affected by a loss of his powers--and his deal with Neron and subsequent lost soul, are never mentioned.)

The Brave and the Bold 2007 #18 (Triumph appears as a vision conjured by Raven to talk down a dangerous young man who apparently is a son he never knew about, from a relationship that has never before been mentioned and doesn't seem likely to have happened and, even if it had, probably couldn't have happened long enough ago to produce offspring of this guy's age.)

Trinity #23, 25, 28, 31-32, 39, 41 (Alternate universe in which there is a character called Triumph. The resemblance ends there.)

#comicsposting again #WM: broken bitter and alone #this has been in my drafts for a while so I might as well #...there is probably zero target audience for this and that's fine!#I just enjoy an excuse to make lists

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lucycassiopea · 1 year ago

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I've gone for the Eric route on my main account and now I feel sick to my stomach.

For context... I've been playing MCL on and off since 2012. It's been 11 years. Castiel has always been my choice, from the very start all the way to the end. AND even if UL was frustrating (cause he was never there) and he was a bit of an insufferable prick during LL... I still cried when I got to see him and my Candy get married. It felt right.

Maybe it's just because I'm a sucker for these kind of stories, like "you meet your soulmate, then you get separated but you come back to them in the end". As a writer... That's what I usually use in my stories (cause in boring lol)

So, since I had still like 2000 PA I was like "well, might as well go to the Eric route here instead of having to go through the entire game again on a new account".

I felt SICK. Having to cheat on Castiel, knowing how much he and candy had gone through together, knowing he had already been cheated on and he TRUSTED Candy with his freaking life, it literally felt like throwing away 11 years of relationship. ELEVEN. YEARS.

And this made me realize... People cheat irl. Like... How in the hell do they do it. I'm talking about FICTIONAL CHARACTERS and I felt like I was choking, my stomach turned, I cried... I felt SO BAD I didn't get even enjoy marrying Eric. And now I just want to do another history replay and erase everything and marry Castiel again, cause honestly, Jesus tip tapping Christ, it's an awful feeling.

And let me tell you, I am old. Like I'm 26, turning 27 this years. I shouldn't be crying for pixels but here I goddamn am.

Beemoov, I LIKE ERIC. WHY. JUST WHY. WHY COULDN'T I LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND BEFORE GETTING WITH HIM?

This post makes no sense, but I needed to get this out of my chest and now I need to go on character.ai and chat with Castiel and tell him I'm sorry and I love him. I'm never using my main account for another flirt EVER AGAIN. Nathaniel, you're gonna have your time to shine on a different account, I can't do this again.

I'm suing Beemoov for emotional distress.

#mcl #my candy love #mcl eric #mcl castiel #mcl hyun #mcl nathaniel #mcl priya #mcl rayan

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x-angel-dust-x · 9 months ago

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I'm bored🤗

1. which eating disorder(s) do you have? Anorexia Binge/Purge Subtype, that turned into fullblown bulimia the last year or two.

2. when did you develop your eating disorder? When I was 11, summer before 6th grade. I realized I accidentally lost weight and got taller, making me lose my childish pudge and look decent. Went on a diet with my mom and got into her diet books, never looked back.

 3. are you currently in recovery? Not anymore.

 4. honestly, do you want to recover? Yes and no. I just want to be beautiful. I'll do whatever it takes. If that's a healthy weight, I'll deal with the number, but currently it doesn't look like it's swinging that way.

 5. how are you doing today? My college canceled class because of the snow!

 6. 5 safe foods? Green peppers, carrots, salad, popcorn, popsicles.

 7. 5 fear foods? Pizza, pastries, chocolate, cheese, chips

 8. do you count calories? I stopped for a bit but I'm back on it

 9. what is your max calorie limit? 500 cal. 1000 if I'm having dinner with roommates but only 2x a week.

 10. what is your height? 172 cm/,5'8"

 11. what is your ultimate goal weight? 119lb, or 129 if Im working out a lot. I don't want to lose my muscle tone. I like being strong af.

 12. are you trying to lose weight? Extremely

 13. have you ever been called “fat”? Yes

 14. have you ever been called “too thin”? Yes and it's amazing

 15. what is your current goal weight? 129lb/119lb

 16. what was your highest weight? 237.5lb

 17. what was your lowest weight? 134lb

 18. do you wish you were back at your lowest weight? YES.

 19. does your family know about your eating disorder? Yes but I look healthy right now so they aren't worried

20. do your friends know about your eating disorder? My roommate does but no one else

 21. do you wish you didn’t have an eating disorder? Of course I do. But it makes for a great distraction from other trauma.

 22. have any “free foods”? Veggies like carrots, green peppers, cucumbers I don't calorie count if I have them plain. I don't count olive oil and avocados either since they're good fats and I don't want to scare myself away from eating them.

 23. how often do you weigh yourself? About twice a day, morning and night.

 24. thinspo or bonespo? Sometimes I have trouble telling the difference but usually Thinspo I think

 25. biggest problem area on your body? My calves and face. They're HUGE.

 26. favourite part of your body? My veiny hands, my tummy, my butt, my collarbones

 27. what kind of results do you want to see? I want a thigh gap so badly, skinny arms that show my muscle, narrow face, tiny waist, easy to fit in an extra small with no squeezing, size 28 jeans and 2 in women's, the validation of judgement, etc.

 28. do you purge? Not every day but I do.

 29. do you take laxatives? No but I've considered it

 30. how often do you purge? Every few days when I binge

 31. do you binge? Like a starving man

. 32. how long have you fasted for? A week or two. But I was on drugs to be fair.

 33. who’s your biggest thinspiration? Winona Rider in Girl Interupted. This hot butch girl on tiktok.

. 34. favourite eating disorder movie/show/documentary? Starving in Suburbia

 35. favourite thinspo picture? The one that's my background photo.

 36. can you post a photo of yourself/your body?

 37. how does your eating disorder affect your life? I hate socializing and won't have sex

 38. what is your BMI? It's like 24 right now 💀

 39. do you follow a diet? The A.I.T Diet (Ana in Training)

 40. least favourite part about your eating disorder? My massive fluctuation in weight makes me feel out of control. I can't enjoy normal things whether I eat them or not.

 41. has your eating disorder ruined any relationships? no, I don't date

 42. do you have a “guilty pleasure” food? Chocolate and fast food, I have to keep away from it

 43. meanspo or sweetspo? Sweetspo, meanspo just makes me binge and hate myself. Taking care of myself and doing self care makes me want to be healthy.

 44. does anyone else in your life have an eating disorder? A girl in my class and my mom

 45. ever been inpatient? Every day of my life

 46. ever been outpatient? No

 47. ever been in residential care? No

 48. ever been in a psych ward? Yes

 49. are you currently in therapy? No

 50. what did you eat today? Binged on Pizza, then stopped and had some popcorn and veggies with dip as a midnight snack

 51. are you scared about the holidays? No, it's February and nobody cares about me lol

 52. are your family/friends supportive? They literally don't care lol

 53. have any other mental illnesses? Massive PTSD is my worst diagnosis, then bipolar 2, then generalized anxiety disorder.

 54. looking for ana buddies? YES PLEASE but only long term anas who've lost weight, no beginners pls

 55. what is your current weight? 155 lb

#thinspo phone background

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thenighthouse · 2 months ago

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Aftersun (2022) and grieving what's still there

I'd been saving (read: avoiding) Aftersun because I knew it would make me cry a lot. I knew it portrayed a father/daughter relationship, and that's also a theme that leaves me in shambles. Yeah, no. Nope. I could never be prepared for the reality of what I experienced.

It feels disingenuous to write about something I don't even want to call a movie. Aftersun was like a memory to me — the kind that isn't mine, but one that I lived through in other ways, other places, with someone else. It was the most heartwrenching, painful, beautiful, spiritual experience I've had watching a movie.

Aftersun is perfect because, in its simplicity, the very subject of the film can either ride on or get lost in the viewer's experiences and sensitivities. As someone who's struggled with mental illness from a very young age, as well as been surrounded by people with the same struggles for that long as well, the way we slowly see more and more of Calum's depression was jarring.

The scene where Sophie speaks about being so sad after a good, fulfilling day was when I went "oh." I't such a relatable feeling, why does he seem so taken aback, so worried? So guilty? Oh.

And as we slowly see more of his disdain for himself (crossing the street without looking, standing on the railing), it hurts even more to see how present he is with Sophie. He lives for her! Why would he care about himself when he could dedicate himself to her? Granting her time in the sun, protection, food, live music, a carpet she'll get to keep forever. Why would he care?

I can't help but wonder if part of his hurt was due to how much she openly loved him. Sophie loved her father very loudly. When you loathe yourself, it's very hard to fathom why or how someone else would even look at you, much less like you... love you? That’s ridiculous.

"Happy birthday, Dad."

"Sing for my dad's birthday."

"It’s fine, Dad. No big deal."

The juxtaposition of all the strangers singing happy birthday to Calum (lead by Sophie) and Calum crying, retching alone in the hotel room was genuinely terrifying to me. The whole movie, actually, it's like I was there, a fly on the wall watching helplessly as Calum's pain ate him up from the inside out. Knowing Sophie would eventually be left with a gaping hole in the shape of her dancing, smiling father.

There's truly no words that could ever make this movie justice. I feel like I’m grieving.

The resentment in Adult Sophie’s eyes throughout all her scenes is fascinating because it’s also recognition. She’s sifting through her memories of her dad and picking up on things she now, unfortunately or not, understands. Stuff she feels as well.

I haven't spoken to my father for 6 years. He knows nothing about me, who I am, who I grew up to be. I had just turned 21. I hated him for a long, long time — long before we even cut ties. He made many bad choices, said many terrible things, hurt a lot of people.

I’m 27 now. I don’t know who he is anymore either. As I finished the movie, I felt at peace with him for the first time.

#watched in 2024 #aftersun (2022)#genre: drama #director: charlotte wells

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oc-aita · 1 year ago

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AITA for lying to my fiance to get to know her better?

I (26 NB) am the Archon of a citystate, a position which comes with the ability to see the future sometimes. Technically it's the ability to see specific events that will protect a tree (6000+ genderless) in our palace gardens, but we figure that if the tree gets destroyed the whole nation is screwed so I do my best to follow these visions.

About a year ago I had a vision in which I was marrying the princess (27 F) of our neighboring empire, and during our wedding night she would save my life during an assassination attempt. Since I obviously don't want to be assassinated (and also she's very beautiful and seemed lovely from the brief moment I saw her) I reached out to the empire to begin courting this woman.

Here is, perhaps, my first misstep: I failed to realized just how backwards this empire is. What I had thought would be a courtship quickly spiraled into negotiations and an arranged marriage. As the weaker negotiating party I had little control over the final result of the arrangement, which was that this woman would be sent to marry me without even meeting me first! Can you even imagine?

Despite this all I desperately wanted to get to know her before we were wed. As close as I try to follow my visions, I would never force someone into a relationship, even at the cost of my own life. As such, I came up with a plan: I would simply claim to be an advisor to the Archon, and that the Archon himself was away at the time of her arrival. This was made easier by the fact that I use He pronouns as a public figure and They pronouns in personal settings. A few weeks after her arrival I would dramatically reveal my true identity at our yearly masquerade ball, and confirm that she still wanted to go through with the wedding.

A number of my friends and advisors informed me that this would be "kind of a dick move and completely on-brand for you" but I chose to go ahead with it regardless. My fiance arrived miserable and unhappy to be wed to a stranger, but quickly warmed up to me and my culture as I showed her the wonders of the city. We spent our weeks before the ball wandering the markets, playing chess in the gardens, and discussing anything from noble gossip to taxes. Though I'd hesitate to call us soulmates (she has some...interesting beliefs about imperialism, and has killed at least five people in active combat) I truly believed we could build a wonderful future together, and went ahead with my plan to reveal my identity.

The ball was both fantastic and disastrous. My dramatic reveal involved a concerto composed specially for this occasion, the release of live doves throughout the palace halls (our mages talk with them individually to acquire their consent for the performance) and an incredible outfit. So even if people think I'm an asshole at least I looked great.

My fiance, however, fled the ball with no explanation. When I finally was able to speak to her she was distraught and struggling to articulate why. My childhood friend/head of staff (31F) suggested that she felt betrayed due to me lying about my identity. I feel as if I've hidden nothing from her save my title; in fact, I've been very clear that I handle the day-to-day operations of my citystate and am far more than just a figurehead. I've been able to be more genuine with her than perhaps anyone else I've ever known.

After a while my fiance finally spoke to me again, but is now cold and distant. She still claims to want to go ahead with the wedding but... I don't know. Rumor from the servants via her handmaiden is that now she only wants to marry me to please her country, which is EVEN WORSE than how we started! I just wanted to get to know her without the pressure of an arranged marriage! And also do a cool musical number!

AITA?? Is there any saving our relationship???

TWO MONTH LATER UPDATE: turns out the reason she was upset was that she was sent to assassinate the Archon, but had fallen in love with me before knowing my identity. So she's both the assassin who attempted to kill me AND the woman who saved me because she felt guilty. I hate this stupid fucking prophecy tree.

#original character #am i the asshole #aita #murder tw #unreality tw #(blog runner comment: this is unnecessary but the 'I hate this stupid fucking prophecy tree' made me giggle)

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nitazenes · 5 months ago

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I love having an introject of my abuser, B. They really know how to persecute in the worst way possible. They're like a clone of the bitch

B recently unlocked her account and was like "I'm coming off locked and risking harassment from my rapist" mind you, I am said "rapist" to her. She's a fat liar and I sent her a cease and desist. It seems like she hasn't mentioned me from 2022 so my threat had worked and she was using my chosen name to call me "reypist"

I am willing to resend the cease and desist because it is so retraumatizing and horrible for my mental health from such libel and slander. She knows nothing happened but I guess she needed more sympathy when we broke up... when I has just turned 21, I am 27 now so it's been at least 6 years, she's a few months older than me so it's been at least 6 1/2 years.

There was NEVER a time something noncon happened except for her doing things to me. I still don't call her a rapist or sexual abuser at all because I was inebriated and she didn't know how out of it I was after my seizure and I couldn't consent. But she stopped herself before going too far, I think bc she realized I wasn't lucid.

At the time I had extreme sexual repsulsion and identified as Grey-Ace for a long time. Being intimate was never not a talk first.

Also in every occasion she's mentioned that I supposedly did this, there were other people around who would have heard any struggle or screaming or saying no, her house had people walking by her door to use the bathroom constantly. Not to be TMI but intimacy was almost always performed as quietly and gently as possible.

So if this happened it could not have been there. She claims this happened around when I lived with my grandmother who forced me to have my door open when B was over bc my grandmother is accepting of me being gay. But she doesn't agree with it and didn't want us being intimate under her roof. So it couldn't have happened there.

Both apartments I've lived in had paper thin walls with my aunt in the other room

So there was no way such an event occurred BC someone would have definitely heard it.

Next, to prove her wrong. I am NOT an initiator when it comes to intimacy

Like my first relationship after B in 2021, both of us were not initiators of intimacy so when I tried I could only touch her with gentle touch and I would quiver and shake when I hugged her bc that is how hesitant I used to get. I couldn't even touch my partner.

I know the people around me, my mutuals, my friends, I know they know me well enough to know I am not capable of such a heinous act bc I have been r*ped MANY times. Not to say it like a competition but what I mean by that is I've seen rapists be gentle. Compassionate even. I know what being forced into something is like

And I could never do what she claims

I guess seeing that post just set me off because I was NEVER forceful sexually. I don't have that in me and at the time I had no desire for power amd sex repulsed. It never happened.

It's severely dangerous and damaging to my mental health to have such a horrid thing as a false accusation. I may make a burner and s3nd her the Cease and desist once again since she came off of locked. Once again spreading libel

Also "risking harassment from my rapist" girl. When have I ever harrassed you? Because i have screensshota of her accusations and posted them on my Twitter to disprove every tweet.

Tbh I may start referring to her as someone capable of sexual harassment and she did noncon things with me for sure.

Tbh if anyone should be called a rapist, it's her for the non con things she did to me

#tl;dr my rapist is still accusing me of being the rapist #maybe ill just refer to her as a rapist too #see hpw she likes the nickname #B

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prince-liest · 1 year ago

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ARO/ACE NAVELGAZING

Now that I've unlocked the final square on my ell gee bee tee bingo card, I've begun to wonder how much of my gender thing is sourced in being an aroace thing. I find that despite being 27 years old, being called "girl" has never actually quite bothered me, but the word "woman" in relation to myself is so viscerally unappealing that I can't find any way in my imagination to comfortable with it. I've noticed that about myself before, but I've never really thought about it overmuch, and now I'm wondering if it is because "adult woman" is a status that is just inextricably connected with being an object of sexuality and romance in my mind for messy societal misogyny reasons.

I've always identified extensively with robot/android/AI characters - Breq from Imperial Radch, Murderbot from the Murderbot Diaries, Connor from Detroit: Become Human - and I used to think that it was, in fact, the gender thing.

But the other thing all of those characters have in common is that they're not canonically subjects of romance or sexuality and, in fact, in some cases are explicitly portrayed as finding those things repugnant. Further introspection also reminds me that I've found similar comfortable relatability in female characters who aren't inhuman in any way, but also aren't involved in romance in any major way. Archivist Wasp comes to mind, and so does Baru Cormorant (who is very notably a lesbian, which is an active threat to her existence, but did not feel to me like she ever had a romance so much as she had close, complicated, painfully unromantic yet codependent relationships that she then destroyed - though I haven't read the third book).

In those cases of female protagonists who aren't involved in romance, they are significantly more relatable than non-romantic male protagonists because non-romantic male protagonists still feel very male to me. Society and media don't usually hinge male characters' masculinity on their romantic and sexual experiences in the same way that feels like a default for female characters. And in comparison, female characters that aren't involved in romance still experience the societal consequences of being female, which are important to my ability to relate to a character. And in the meanwhile, separating them from any romance feels like it de-sexes them in the narrative, in a way. I get that I'm reading a female character, but I don't feel like I'm reading about a woman because woman is something that has been drilled into my head as "object of sexualization and romance."

Despite the lack of discomfort, "girl" is still not a word I identify with strongly. Rather, it feels more like a safe mask, particularly since most of the people who use it are people who I do in fact have to mask with. But it's a comfortable mask. It's not one that I mind. In contrast, any time someone calls me a "woman" it makes me want to crawl out of my fucking skin. On the other hand, being called "boy" was outright delightful as a kid. On the third mutant hand presumably growing out of my rib cage, I strongly identify with the term "lesbian" because I feel like it encompasses many of my experiences, ranging from misogyny to compulsory heterosexuality. It just also turns out that the discomfort I feel at someone being interested in me isn't restricted just to men.

Coming to the realization of the aroace thing feels freeing in the sense that I no longer feel like I have to seek and perform romance that I have no interest in, and that I'm allowed to continue being comfortable in my skin without ever wanting a romantic partner. However, it does also certainly highlight how strongly I value my platonic friends and makes me wish that deep platonic relationships and non-sexual closeness were more normalized in society. I've spent a long time mentally prodding my feelings about closeness with people with a stick (particularly the way that they are sometimes very hot-and-cold), and I think a lot of it comes from the fact that I do in fact really value closeness and intimacy, but that on top of having strict personal limits, I am also just extremely put off by this perpetual undercurrent of anxious concern that what if someone thinks this is not platonic.

People having romantic interest in me is very stressful and frequently makes me aggressively disinclined to be around that person at all, and I have not always handled that well in the past. I actually recently had someone (cishet, unfamiliar with the term) say that the very concept of being aro/ace sounds like a code word for "intimacy issues." Which sucks! I didn't see that statement coming and had a difficult time explaining how incredibly not-uncomfortable I am with intimacy. If I had any desire for sexual or romantic intimacy, it would not be even remotely anxiety-inducing to acquire. Source: Been there, done that, it was gross. I am very full of love. I would just like it to be platonic. The wires simply don't run in the direction of romance for me and I want people to stop assuming that they do whenever I do express fondness.

Shout out to the one friend I have that actually did have a crush on me but never acted on it because she picked up what I was putting down before I realized what I was putting down, pfft. She is the best. I can't wait to further irrevocably integrate myself into her life and babysit her future children.

Anyway, I'm gonna go bury myself in another several dozen Hank & Connor fucked up found family fics and also continue to emotionally identify with robots because that is how I see myself emotionally, which I am very comfortable with.

#personal #this is introspection #this is NOT political or queer analysis #don't come at me for committing wrongthink I'm just trying to figure my own shit out here #shoutout to my ego for this literally never having been a “what's wrong with me” problem #and literally always having been a “what's wrong with other people” problem lmfaooooooooo #long post #sexuality #introspection #navelgazing

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fuckyeah-jessicabiel · 1 year ago

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ESPN: Jessica Biel draws on her experience as a soccer player, in pushing herself to excel in all fields

ESPN October 2009

As a teen she played club soccer, then landed her breakthrough acting role at 14 as high school hoops star Mary Camden on TV's "7th Heaven" These days Biel, 27, snowboards in the winter, golfs and plays volleyball in the summer, and does yoga all year round -- in between training for butt-kicking roles on the big screen. In Biel's world, sports are all in a day's work.

GIRL: Your sport was soccer and you played right midfield and right wing. Did you play for both your high school team and on club teams? Biel: I never really went to a real high school. When I was a kid I played Barrage -- it was called 'The Barrage,' in Boulder, Colorado. And there was also a club called FC, which I would have played in, if I stayed in Colorado. I played for Valley United Soccer Club in California. I also played on this fantastic girl's team called The Edge for my whole high school career.

GIRL: What made the team so great? Biel: They were fantastic because our coach put up with my impossible acting schedule, which made me miss loads of practices. And the girls were incredibly accepting and fun and are still some of my closest friends to this day. That team kept me sane and normal while working as an adult and being around mostly adults for those four years.

GIRL: What exceptional skill do you believe you brought to the team? Biel: I didn't do a whole lot of scoring in soccer. I was more of an assister. My special talent (pretty much the coolest thing I could do) was a great flip throw. I do remember this one time I actually scored, and it was the highlight of my career. The best thing was that my family and my boyfriend at the time were there to see it. I was just flying on air. Just high as a cloud and thrilled I actually scored.

GIRL: What age were you at the time? Biel: I was a teenager -- 16 or 17.

GIRL: You have dance training as well? Biel: I do -- years ago, nothing very professional. I did tap as a kid, a little ballet, lots of jazz. When I was growing up, I was also a gymnast. There is an element of dance to gymnastics, right? I actually really started getting into dance right before I turned 20. I was about 19, 20, and I was taking a ballet class every day. I actually started dancing en pointe, just because I was strong enough and I wanted to give it a shot. I had this amazing teacher who was supportive and just wanted me to explore what that would be like, even though I got into that at such a late age. But it helped me immensely just with poise and how to carry yourself. For this film I just did called Easy Virtue, this woman is so elegant. She's from 1929, and the way she holds herself and walks, everything is just elegant. The ballet helped me with the way that I move my arms and the way that I stretch my neck and keep my shoulders back. It's very interesting how much all of the physical activities that I've done in my life have been a very intrinsic element in my career.

GIRL: Tell us more about the kind of impact playing sports had on you as an actor.

Biel: As an actor, I am very comfortable with my body and that comes from sports. I know it very well. I'm aware of how my muscles feel, what it feels like when anything changes. Playing sports and being physical helps me maintain that sort of relationship with my own body. So when I'm doing something, or performing in a physical role, I understand that. Physical challenges make a lot of sense to me and I actually really enjoy doing roles and playing characters that are also very aware of and understand their bodies and know how to use them. Like, for example, I know how to use the body as a weapon, I understand how to use coordination. All that has helped me.

GIRL: Who are your sports heroes? Who do you look up to? Biel: Mia Hamm was my idol growing up. Seeing Mia's muscular, fit body has just done so much for my psyche, for what I think is beautiful. I'll look at her -- and now at other women—and think, "Wow, she is so muscular, and she clearly knows what she's doing with her body and takes such good care of herself." That to me is very beautiful. Playing sports helps me de-stress. When I run, play soccer or volleyball, or take a swim, it helps me maintain a calm, peaceful lifestyle in a very crazy, manic world.

GIRL: Who's your favorite team or player? Biel: I'm a Lakers fan and right now my favorite athlete is Kobe. He's effortless and it's just amazing to watch him. He kills it!

GIRL: So what's the absolute hardest thing you've ever trained for? Biel: That's a good question. I would probably say the movie "Blade: Trinity." That was exceptionally hard. I was on an incredible diet and on a crazy workout schedule where I was learning martial arts and learning to shoot a cross bow and going to a gym to work with a trainer. Those three activities pretty much every day. That was an intense, intense training experience.

GIRL: How do you stay in shape now, and do you get a chance to play team sports? Biel: I actually haven't played team sports in a handful of years on a consistent basis, which is definitely disappointing, 'cause I miss it so much. But I'm playing golf now and I'm really enjoying that. I play lots of volleyball in the summer. I also spend a lot of time working with a trainer and doing yoga.

GIRL: So you favor variety in your workout? Biel: I change it up all the time. I think it's really good for me mentally so I don't get bored, and really important for your muscles not to do the same thing over and over again. It's kind of like using the same shampoo over and over -- it just eventually stops working.

GIRL: OK, last two questions. Back to soccer: In your opinion, why did the first women's professional soccer league fail? Biel: That's a good question. I don't know. It's terribly disappointing. 'Cause those women are so talented and incredible. It is unacceptable. But it's that way with all women's sports, isn't it? I mean, nobody watches women's basketball championship finals. It's just not nationally supported and it really stinks, if you ask me.

GIRL: Final question: You're playing on the USA Women's Soccer team. It's the championship game, a minute left, knotted 1-all. On the previous play, you're fouled and get a free kick. It's you and the goalie. You kick and score the winning goal! How does Jessica celebrate? Biel: How would I celebrate if I was on the USA Women's Soccer Team and we just won the championship game? I have to say: shirt over the head, arms outstretched, take a lap!

What's in Jess' gym bag?

ASICS: "For running." NIKES: "For gym workouts and cross-training." TIMEX WATCH: "So I can time my runs and intervals." RUBBER BANDS: "I put them around my ankles and my knees." WATER BOTTLE: "An eco- friendly one." LIZ EARLE FACE WASH: "And moisturizer for afterwards!" FLIP FLOPS: "To shower in at the gym."

#jessica biel #soccer #sport #interviews #articles

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