#but i think its so funny bc i genuinely wasnt late bc of the game. i thought my shift started later and i was early😭

[dandyshucks]

falling asleep tucked up against Guz's chest while he plays some video game or other,,, and he's so happy that he gets to have me in his lap while he games, and he feels so content with the world in that moment,,,

[chisungie]

.

[ariscats]

Jameson Hawthorne POV in The Brothers Hawthorne, why so different?

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of ppl who dint liked or enjoyed jamesons pov in the new book, the brothers hawthorne, as it felt “rushed” or “flat” to some ppl, and im not here to try to change or fight w you, only to explain why it felt like this.

If you just want the reason, its bc the emotional side of Jameson wasnt worked with bc it wasnt necessary to the purpose of the book and the new triology, but there is an explanation for this.

First of all, Jamesons character already went thought his character arc in the main triology, so when JLB was writing his pov, she dint “care” at all for his emotions, only on the characters on his plot line. Its hard to say now as the new triology (the grandest game) isnt out yet but you cannot say that the characters on jamesons game (the adult ones) wont appear again, JLB let too many open windows to not.

We also have to understand that TBH wasnt necessarily a book on its own in question of character and plot ( i swear to god the day i find the mtf that said it was ok to sell TBH as a standalone) but a rl long prologue to the new saga, so my theory is that when TGG come out, jameson plot line will make much more sense as it will actually have some use.

In my opinion, this is what JBL needed to do, and was thinking, when she wrote the book:

- need to finish grayson character arc as it will be essential to the next saga (he’ll be one of the mc there)

- need to introduce the characters from the Devils Mercy and their secrets as we’ll need to already know they exist for The Grandest Game

In conclusion, Jamesons pov dint rl need its emotional part bc, theoretically, that part was already finished in the main saga. Was it rl finished? For the purpose of what we were presented in tig (the trauma of his relasionship w emily) yes. (but it was rl funny how she wrote 3 book abt jameson and grayson trauma w emily only to mention it twice in flashbacks on their books)

But for the purpose of his family trauma? his so called granddaddy issues? no. So JBL needed to fix that, but i think its clear that she prioritized the plot over his family (mother and fathers side) problems, but that can also be explained.

JBL needed to write two very different plot lines with as little pages as she could, bc lets be honest, no ones wants to read +500 pages books, specially coming from the TIG universe, that is sold as a fast read bc of its short chapters. That means she needed to present all of the things that will be important to the next book AND she needed to finish Grayson character arc as 1- itll be important to the next book 2- there as a popular request to it since THL, and it grew so much after TFG, she just needed to work a LOT w him and w that, jameson got put aside and his pov often felt more of an observer than a character.

honestly? i dont think its that bad as ppl are talking, i see and understand the reasons that ppl dint liked it but i spend to much time overanalyzing it to not like it.

not relevant to this post but if you read until here just be aware that the understanding i have for jameson “hate” in TBH, i dont have for whoever is talking abt my n1 girl Avery Grambs. Im sorry if you thought she was “boring” in this book, again this is your opinion and blablabla and genuine not trying to offend you, but she wasnt. im sorry, she just wasnt, it was simply not her book.

and again this isnt an insult to ANYONE, dont feel offended by anything i said, im not trying to change your mind or fight w you.

[mamawasatesttube]

🌿🍦🦋 🦴

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

diagnose the cause. is it burnout or just block?

if it's burnout: take a total break stop trying to write and go read a book. do something to help you find inspiration without trying to squeeze out every last drop you have left. let it build back up

if it's block: force the words out anyway. just write one sentence a day. i often find that when i'm struggling with block, trying to add just like 50 words at a time (a very low goal!) makes me feel more like adding another 50. and maybe another 50 after that.

🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate

oh MAN. okay. lets see.

lex luthor can genuinely be a really interesting and fun villain. he IS pretty iconic as such, and i do think his xenophobia and genocidal intentions make for really good conflict in superfam stories. (through gritted teeth) thats three statements right

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately 

this afternoon ive been bothering britta about car questions for the purposes of tim fic and in the process of this discussion we got onto the topic of "looking up songs about cars for potential fic titles" and i discovered this song, which ive decided is my personal tim/ari breakup anthem bc its so fucking funny. yes i know the car wasnt the real reason they broke up. however its so FUNNY. look at these lyrics.

You sure know how to hurt a girl Fewer hugs and no more kisses Just water for your carburetor And bearings for your pistons Rev her engine for your pleasure Caress and fondle her steering wheel But when you moan and hug her gear shift Stop! Think how it makes me feel

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing? 

lord of the rings my beloved. the silm my beloved. tolkien's writing was definitely formative for me (you can tell by how rambly i get slkdjf). i also really love the way brandon sanderson does worldbuilding, and i've enjoyed what of stina leicht's writing i've read as well!!! i'm a big fan of asimov's plot twists and foreshadowing, plus the way martha wells does unreliable narration. i think these are all my current fav authors.

Writers' Truth & Dare Ask Game!

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

Umineko....

episode 1, part 4

(content warning: i will be talking about a child getting hit by her mother)

battler you are so damn late to the party. everyone else has tried to solve the gold riddle for two years now and got bored with it but its new and fresh to battler!!!!!

hes a little moe sometimes

I LAUGHED ABOUT THERE BEING A GOLD CHASE RIDDLE but its pretty engaging now that im here.

THERES A SWEETFISH RIVER RIGHT THERE!!!!

^ serious remark by the way. i think this is meaningful and could genuinely be the mentioned river.

anyway, the riddle calls for eleven "sacrifices" in total. whether those are living beings or or objects or what have you.

thank you maria. i am not disturbed.

FUNNY how there are twelve family members in total. this could perhaps develope into some sort of battle royal scenario. then again, the servants and doctor are playing too, at least in theory. i am included in the riddle, too. maybe ill die as well!

if anything happens to maria. i dont know what ill do. cry maybe. i entirely cant judge how cruel/tasteless this novel could be in the future. if you Gotta harm a little guy, at least be clever and meaningful and tragic about it, you know? at the very least she seems to know enough about witches to defend herself. idk man, i trust her knowledge. she has her grandfather genes. somehow. LISTEN WOULD SHE RECEIVE SO MUCH ATTENTION FROM THE NARRATIVE IF SHE WASNT CORRECT.... maybe its all red herrings though.

i wonder if kinzo went through all these riddle steps before. i wonder if the earthquake was related, if he had been betting on a wonder that would make him the head of the family.

battler you are the realest person ever

btw rosa hits her child!!!! but not as badly as her father probably hit her!!!!! there is definitely a history of intergenerational violence here, emotionally but physically as well. very striking about the scene are two things: 1. no one explained to maria why her mother wants her to change her behaviour and every hit enforces it, makes it worse, its a downward spiral. 2. the enviroment accepts it and does not intefere, save for battler who is still an outsider of sorts, and he is quickly taught to not involve himself. george, who was usually kind and soft and amazing around maria, says it will be a kindness to act like this never happened, as to not embarrass her. this means purposeful ignorance and therefore acceptance.

anyway, irreparable damage. and now maria is beatrices messenger. thats what happens.

so here she is. apparently. the narrative REALLY wants to built up anticipation to a point where its overdoing it and ruining what tension it created. but i trust it to be satisfying in the end. so far i really enjoyed the interpersonal intrigue and pacing of conversations after all. but i yet struggle to make out how mysterious the storytelling is trying to be and how much thinking i am supposed to do.

BATTLER IS SO NOT TAKING IT SERIOUSLY THOUGH... its so funny. he really doesnt give a fuck. beatrice is a funny troll to him, hired by his grandfather, or perhaps a scam artist. she has also clarified that the contract she has with kinzo, which would allow her to collect everything he owns, is off, should someone find the gold. so suddenly everyone is friends again!!!!! YAY kyries working theory is that beatrice is the friends we made along the way (one of the people in plain view, just under a pseudonym) which is really solid. thats the most plausible explanation for them right now. its very cool that she gets to do a whole detective monologue on it.

this is just a little game to them. heart emoji

at the very least, there is a new 'furniture' development: it might also just refer to the fact that the servants are to be passed along to the whoever solves the riddes, alongside the mansion, as if they are simply furniture pieces within it. tools at disposal. the only reason i cling to this is bc how often this specific phrasing it brought up.....

everything is about to go to shit so i am ending this post here. but my god. its about to happen, i think. kill rend maim

[bunycube]

I want to hear all your unfiltered thoughts on Madarame. asking for research purposes :)

HAHA OK OK LETS ANSWER THIS IM SO EXCITED reason im late to answering is bcs i was waiting to properly sit down n type out all my thoughts. im so excited. well firstly i hope u like madarame or u prob wont like my thoughts abt him i love him vvvvv much hes my fav sd guy n my second fav route!

tldr i love madarame for his hot looksand voice, his unserious funny nature his genuine care for towa and honest straightforward personality. i jsut rly love him a lot. my man !!!!

ok so b4 i played the game for some reason everyone talked abt him like he wasnthe devil so i was scared of playing his route n i didnt rly have a good impression of him. id even hate on him out of peer pressure. but he was really sexy, i rly liked his arms and. and his tits ok he has nice tits also hes dilfy anf tall i lvoenthat. so i was scared but still he waskind of a guilty pleasure to me JSHFHS THIS IS ALL B4 THE GAME CAME OUT!!! now when i actualy startednplaying i was still dreadimg his route but like i said i found hi mrlyyy sexy. so i was willingnto give him a chance. at fiest i wasnt likingnthe direction the route wa staking tho i wasnt surprised bcs thid is how i expect kidnappernroutes to plsy out. but halfway theough my opinion of him rly chsnged? acrually even b4 thst...hed like actually try to keep towa fed n liek put a blsnket on him n gave him a shower n stuff i didnt liek him yet but i was like hmm 🤔 then then whentowa came back after being let ho by madarame my opniino of himjsut chsnged comoletey. henwas so muchmore chill thani thought n i LVOED his casual dynamic e towa its like yeah thyre violent but u could tell that theyre comfortable n sctually care abt each otger. nad the mroe i played his route the more i lvoed him...my brain is a messnrn so i cant articulate it right !!! i just rly lvoenthe guy!! firstly, i was expecting him to be a villain tyoe so when i found out he didnt scrually kill kaga n was also associated w guyd like mayu eiji kotarou i was v surprised..n everyoen sctuslly liked him? like igarashi n mayu kotsrou n all..so it kinda influenced my opinion too i think. also i jsut yhink madarame is so unserious and fun and neat nsbfbd. i rly do love his dynamic w towa i love how. yk usually in this type of route the mc ends up beigm rly submissive but w madarames route that seems to be the opposite of what he wants n he wsnts towa to have soem life bsck in him hes disappinted in how dead insife hes become. n by the end they rly do feel like equals to me!!@ and i just. love how their dynamic id unconventional yet they still care deeply abt each othef ghrrhrhd lime. madarame has such a fuck the past attitude yet he kept the photo n the lgihter n came bsck for towa. ALSOOO i lthink madarame is a v honest person and he doesnt hide things which is one of the main reasons he appealed to me also him not having ulterior motives like greed power momey itnwas kindanrefreshing he was jsut living his life in the moment. i rly like that mindset im trying to adopt it myself since it makes me worry lesshfhdjs. i cantnrly explain why but hes also weirdly comforting to me. i think hesnrly funny as well i lvoe when towas like hey why r we doing this (bodyguard disguise thign) n madarames like i think its funny so i devised an elaborate scheme >:3 HESNSO SILLYYYYY AH. ANDMANWNRNFHFHE AND AND IDKKKK HE JEUT HAS RLY NICE VIBES I LOVE HIM SM I PROB HAVE MORE THOUGHTS BUT I DONT WANT TO BORE U ONE DAY ILL WRITE A PROPER ESSAY ON HIM but yeah

ok editing to add a lil more i also love how hes surprisingly the modt. stable? ksfbdbd out of all of them somehowww and also that he managesnto be duch a neat charndespite hid past never being revealed in the route. i rky liked that n it felt like an intentional choice thag fits hid character!!*$&$& i jst lovr the guy.

as for flaws im sure he has plenty i think he is kind of manipulative for drivign a wedge between towa n taku like that he also knows more thsn he lets on (points to the msnsion in fujiedas route) and im not sure why he kidnapped towa in the first place was it fro the drama or like .what. but i still love him those flaws aside and included sjfbsb i love him!!@ thats all!!!

[boybandsim]

leafeana replied to your post: 

WAIT i was just scrolling through your blog cause im hungry for content and saw this again and realized you asked what version i was playing? which i dont remember answering whoops

im playing it on pc! which is great bc then i get to mess around with mods (like the one that gives cindy some real clothing lol) but its also got its downsides since my computer is definitely not a gaming computer, which means graphics take a serious hit and lagging isnt uncommon

im...not sure if its royal edition?? I think windows edition has all the features of royal edition, although im not completely sure. I think luna has a cutscene in Insomnia thats only in royal edition, so once im there ill be able to tell. technically im in Insomnia now but ive time traveled back and it might be a while before i push on to the finale. after dealing with Altissia --> the start of Insomnia linearly i wanted some time to chill with the bros and pretend

everything is fine for a while. it has been a WILD ride for sure and yeah I haven't even started up any of the dlc yet! theres so much content!! ive been practicing playing as the other bros during medium-hard combat which has kept it feeling really fresh too. also its hilarious just blasting bad guys with a bazooka while the other people are in there swinging around swords and knives. and i haven't done any of the crossover quests yet, which seem big and exciting!

ill be forever sad that i missed the assassins festival but theres definitely plenty to do that I'm excited for. and im getting really into the fishing!! charmed is definitely the right word like..its not perfect at all but this game is so genuinely endearing with its characters personalites and development and its themes and music as well and it really does some things SO well.

god okay this is a lot of words. sorry for rambling and for the late reply! no one i know plays this game or has much interest in it so youre getting all my bottled up enthusiasm

PLEASE DO NOT EVER APOLOGISE FOR RAMBLING SEND ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE WORDS AND THOUGHTS AND TALKING ABOUT FFXV DUDE <3333 also literally no worries about late replies or replying at all im forever shit at them myself i get it bro nw nw nw

hell yeah pc is royal edition with a bunch of other shit and the dlcs (bar ardyn) incorporated, dont worry, also i would die for that one cindy in a decent outfit mod i know the exact one youre on about LOL (also i can recommend you some other mods if u like!!)

if i can share some knowledge with you right quick cuz i had the same problem and wouldve died to have someone tell me i went from barely 20fps on a good day to being able to run multiple programs with ffxv in the background; specialk is a very quick install and majorly helped with multithreading; otherwise for the in game options are using low resolution texture pack (assets option); shadows look near visually identical on the lowest option compared to the highest; all nvidia effects can be turned off with no significant graphic change; turning off anti aliasing entirely genuinely makes the game look better for me; i can post my full settings if itll help you and ive also read through a few tutorials for modding around lag so i can try and help you with that, i do get pretty major lag spikes though and frequently find it near impossible to stream/record, but i manage to nail that 60fps on average if im solely running ffxv with a few cut corners like those

also dont blame you with altissia, ngl i boiled through the story rollercoaster right quick after exploring most of the open world before even touching altissia and ended up ignoring all postgame content for starting a new save immediately and replaying just to get that hangout time in the open world that wasnt just go-back-in-time-through-magic-dog. but i feel you so hard dude i just want more of them chilling. literally i have 300 hours in this game already and i know half of those have been using the car listening to tunes LMFAO

yeah the crossover quests are funnn the one with terra wars is sweet and the ffxiv one is SO funny its literally hysterical i was roaring with laughter a couple times!!! and good on you practising i didnt touch any of the extended combat until my third save and yeah honestly if you want to do the postgame menaces those skillsll come in useful, its funny because the maingame bosses arent that hard but the postgame is mental. but yeah i love blowing shit up with proms bazooka it fucking rules nerds can keep their swords

ALSO SAME... i wanna play the promptis date so bad!! i wanna play episode duscae so bad!!! wanna play the platinum demo with baby noctis so bad!! knowing theyll never be ported kills meeeeee. sad & upset but as you say theres so much to do and the dlc honestly offer so much im still finding shit i havent done and ive spent a year playing already

honestly so much of this game for me is literally just booting it to go hang with the guys its really relaxing lmfaooo... hiking around with these goofy dudes. sometimes i just wanna chill with the anime boys. YEAH literally its sweet and charming and then fucking heartbreaking and even though the writing is hammy as hell im honestly so willing to forgive it. not only for the clear amount of care and love that went into specifically building the guys relationship (which anyone knows is the best and most realised part of the game) but the details and amount of lore you can uncover if you take a step and interpret a little. maybe thats too generous a statement for what was an executive nightmare and critically underdeveloped but i grew up on ffxiii and knowing the versus 13 lore and that ffxv was part of that extended canon im satisfied with it being another side to that story and running with that. i think supplemented with its additional content years after release ffxv isnt a complete experience but enough of one to leave an impact or at least it did majorly for me! ive been obsessed.

OMG sorry im nerding too its all good lol just genuinely i love this game and its hard to find people talking about it these days but i really had such a good time and still am continuing to and i love it fuck it ball hard

real shit though it has the best fishing minigame of all time hands down nothing has come close fuck the haters

[merrilldidnothingwrong]

Everyone who says that “it’s just a game” and genuinely argues that there’s no real life effect or consequences to people holding the belief that people have the right to lock up a group of people out of hate and fear, and that this right outweighs those people’s human rights, and that even if a portion (however big or small) of the people running these prison-like institutions are openly abusing their power and sometimes this even results in the deaths of these people (1/2)

(2/2) and that none of those things are an important enough issue to shut these places down or at least make some huge changes needs to look at the news in the united states lately and also fuck off. The mages vs templars thing is just a game, but the beliefs that lead to seeing the templars as "good" or "reasonable" don't only affect a person's views on video games. People who think like this don't only think like that about fictional people. This type of thinking affects real people.

yeah like maybe when games first came out there really wasnt much decision making that had any kind of morality. my first game was super mario brothers lol like all you can do is rescue the princess

games have shifted, since i missed a bunch in the 90s and early 2000′s my first game was skyrim.  where you can go with group A or B.

i love bioware games because its for US its a game we can actually get INTO and customize it the way we want. be the hero we want, or villain. it is definitely a villain move to encourage people to be mass incarcerated. “for their own good” no its for purely selfish motives. they didnt do anything wrong they were just born with magic and to think they all deserved to be locked away and forced to fight for their own lives is ridiculous. especially when the punishments are SO severe. tranquility or death. thats it nothing else.

and youre right it definitely affects me irl too. i have a somewhat privileged life for being autistic, trans, mentally ill. theres people out there who think i deserve to be locked up just for being who i am. and anders is a kin/comfort character to me for that reason and his trauma doesn’t make him a bad person. he is one guy fighting for his life and fighting for his cause to fight oppression and incarceration. and i dont trust anybody who hates him and calls him a terrorist for that reason. its not funny when people “joke” about hurting him or make comments about killing him. i dont trust people like that, period i dont know their mindset and i don’t want to.

and i also have no tolerance for people who abuse him for shits and giggles or like ‘im coping”. no you aint. torturing already hurting and traumatized people for funsies makes you a monster. period.

your last message said youre anon bc you feel like a coward, well you’re not. ive had this blog like....... 4 years now? and only just recently felt comfortable enough to say im kin with anders and sera. and to speak up. i just wasn’t ready. but im sure you will be one day.

[vernons-laugh-is-my-aesthet-blog]

Who else on svt (other than jeonghan and dk) do you think is genuinely close?

oooo00000OOOOh b you better grab a chair 

I actually think a majority, if not all, of Seventeen is close. They’ve all trained and worked with each other as “seventeen” for so long it’s kinda impossible to not know each other well yaknow? This list is what I’ve seen lately, but I cant be the one to fully judge because I didn’t stan Seventeen from the beginning T-T

Hyung line (s.coups+ Jeonghan+ Joshua)- They have a system going on where S.coups has to make a decision and Joshua and Jeonghan aid in  the right path. Kind like in OFD japan where Hoshi and Hyung team fought and Coups was a bit too heated to really make a decision and Jeonghan provided a push and Joshua provided reassurance that it’s the right thing to do to make a meeting and resolve the problem.

S.coups+all members- He needs to be able to know all the members well enough to lead the group. He doesn’t necessarily need to be with them all the time though, and that’s okay

Gamer buds (I think it’s S.coups+Wonwoo+Woozi or Mingyu???)- They play games together lol

Jeonghan+Dk-They’re each other’s favorite roommates. Their personalities clash well like a puzzle. Jeonghan yearns of love and appreciation and someone who can take his jokes well. Dk is just that dude. Someone who smiles through every situation and uses humor as his form of energy.

Americain line (Joshua+vernon)-Joshua talks to Vernon in English and aids him in learning the language and I bet Vernon helps him with writing Korean etc. They both know bits about America and customs there. They first bonded through that and now through their personalities.

Jun+wonwoo?- They are both the type of guys who say a joke that makes everyone uncomfortably laugh, but its okay because they have this thing goin where they tell fans that the other is bad at telling jokes and is unfunny, when irl they are just teasing.

Leader Line (Hoshi+Woozi+S.coups)- To be 3 leaders in a team you need a state of neutrality and know how to work well together. They lead differently. S.coups leads the team, he makes the decisions regarding the well-being of the team. Hoshi leads steps and position he makes sure they look well put together. He is also the hype man. Woozi is the “behind the scenes” man. He creates the music in his studio with no disruptions till its perfect. He doesn’t like the attention, but Seventeen/leaderline tries their best to tell everyone that he has a large role in the creation of Svt to rightfully credit him.

Hoshi+Wonwoo-Mocking each other 24/7. Same age friends. They like to play rough sometimes, but it’s a normal thing

Gag trio (Hoshi+Dk+Seungkwan)- Get together to make people laugh. They are the loud ones who just came to see a smile.I’m pretty sure they have a cheer too so…

Wonwoo+Mingyu-The solid ship. We got puppygyu and tsundere Wonwoo. They are sweet together. Though I heard a fan tried to force the ship irl and it made then drift apart for a while? I think they are coming back together

Woozi+Vernon- Teacher->apprentice. Woozi said he wants a mind like Vernon, the way Vernon thinks is so unique and different from what Woozi would expect. and Vernon said he wants natural talent like Woozi. Not many people shed light on it, but Vernon has a lot of credits alongside Woozi (but not as much ofc) in music production and lyric writing. Woozi appreciates that and they both share the same chill energy when they are not being memes.

Woozi+Jeonghan- Woozi only lets Jeonghan do things to him? But he doesn’t really threaten to hurt him afterwards. He just kinda lets it happen lol. 

Mingyu+The8- Now that The8 is coming more out of his shell and isn’t as ‘cute’ as his near debut image, he can finally let out the fashionista inside of him. He roasts tf out of Mingyu and enjoys the same interest as Mingyu in style and designing to the point that they both said that one day they will come out with a brand together. I feel like Mingyu is legit about that, so I look forward to it.

Mingyu+Seungkwan- The relationship they have is funny to me. They do this thing where they tease each other and then the other one acts like he “had enough” and fights the other. They had a vlive together and all they did was “bicker” and it was great lol.  That’s how I am with my friends. we just tell each other to stfu and fight all the time and it’s great. Goals amirite?

Chinaline (The8+Jun)- Legendary way of meeting (Jun rippin off The8′s cap and then proceeded to spit onto his face bc he had braces) Had to learn Korean together and know the struggles of leaving their hometown far away to pursue a kpop career. Rn its like a older brother to little brother situation where The8 is the older brother and Jun always tries to mess around with him.

Seungkwan+Vernon- So soft. so so so so so soft. Seungkwan watched his lil boy grow into a man, but still treats him the same. with the constant patpats on Vernon’s face and adoring him and appreciating him. And then vernon always looking at Seungkwan when he talks and laughs at his antics. This as a pure pair.

Seungkwan+Dino- bickering lol. Dino learning how to be sassy from Seungkwan. And Seungkwan being Sh00k from his clapbacks.

Vernon+Dk- Same birthday bros. They are memes together and apperently Dk really wants to meet Vernon’s lil sister. Vernon refuses. lol same.

Dino+Jeonghan?-Dino nugu aegi is a joke among Carats etc, but Dino wasnt much of a fan of it. He is grown now as stated by him which is a loss for poor affectionate Jeonghan. I’m not saying their connection is splitting, but it is sure being grinded down bc Dino doesnt like being babied anymore T-T

Dino+Hoshi-Same thing with Jeonghan kinda. I think Hoshi is trying to get the kid in Dino to come back out again. But Hoshi also respects his work ethic and ability to help choreograph.

If I were to condense the most within-group social members it would go:

S.coups-Everyone needs to be comfortable with the leader and he needs to now his members well in order to lead right

Jeonghan- Though he likes to joke a lot, members depend on him for advice and help in difficult times. And he is always there to listen 

Hoshi- Seventeen’s hype man. When the members feel slow in energy they can look to him to find a push and strive for perfection with matching passion as him

Dk-Ability to make the room light and happy. He knows how to joke well and the members appreciate it

Seungkwan-pushing Seventeen to be more out there. With his amazing variety and Mcing skill, he always tries to get the more quiet members to show up on camera and talk a bit

Mingyu- Does a lot for the group behind the scenes like cooking and cleaning. The backbone of the dorm lol. All members know him well. He is also social outside of the group.

Vernon-Due to this kid’s slow and l o s t (lol) nature, all Seventeen members feel a need to protect him. They all agree that he is very unique and 4d. Always living in his own word that they need to pull him back to the real world to ge him focused sometimes.

The8- Before was pretty quiet, but as his Korean improves so does his social skills. He is now able to talk more freely to members and ask what a certain word means without being scared of messing up

Joshua-Joshua is the type to be quiet most of the time, but has bursts of randomness. I feel like, like myself, though he doesn’t talk too much, he is always listening and observing (thats why he is good help for s.coups when making decisions)

Wonwoo- Wonwoo is an introvert and has trouble showing a lot of emotion. He does have a bubbly side though and its seen in his nose crinkles. 

Woozi-Woozi kinda chooses to be left alone. He prefers to work alone undisturbed and I think sometimes overworks himself. The members always point out his achievements bc woozi is not the type to shout it out himself.

Jun- Jun is really 4d and sometimes childish. The members love him of course, but sometimes his jokes can be too odd for everyone to grasp when he comes in and out of a conversation.

Dino- Dino is growing up and is finding individuality. So he will prob. not be playing along with the hyungs things like he used to before. But I hope he goes back to just joking around like that bc just bc you’re grown doesn’t mean you can’t be childish ^-^

There are many more combos I probably missed. I is overwhelmed my dude. Some of my stuff might even look full of shit to others. idk lol

[dullanyan]

tagged by @motherfucker-unlimited​ !!! thank u <33

1. Why did you choose your url?

like u know. nya

(its after an old oc of mine!! a dullahan cat)

2. Any side blogs?

a few!! ive got @fairyoctopus​ which is a flight rising (dragon neopets) blog and @polteageistplush​ which was originally a splatoon blog but ive since changed it to an in-general vidya blog! ive also got @ghost-ttype​ which is just an aesthetic side blog. basically for me to scroll thru and not be anxious

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

Oof i think. since 2012-2013? i made my blog and then didnt know how to use tumblr and didnt start being active til late 2013

4. Do you have a queue tag?

i used to but now all i do is come on here, maybe reblog one or 2 things and then leave so theres not really a point! but i do have like 35 drafts which im too lazy to go thru and actually post them

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

to see what the hype for tumblr was. and then i got into some... anime that i no longer like. the remnants still exist on my blog sadly but im too lazy to delete it

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

cuz that me -_-

its my vtuber sona!! you know, for my vtuber model and hobby ive yet to actually start. the icon is fitting tho <:3

7. Why did you choose your header?

i couldnt think of anything else and this gengar face was funny :3

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

apollo animal crossing birthday and  sans

9. How many mutuals do you have?

oh man... so many?? i cant rly count. and i imagine like only half of them are still active on this site now

10. How many followers do you have?

793 but most of them, once again, are inactive!

11. How many people do you follow?

303, i try to clean out my following count sometimes for inactive blogs, but other times i keep following them just for nostalgia!

12. Have you ever made a shit post?

I Mean. I Guess

13. How often do you use tumblr a day?

too much </3

14. Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog?

i mostly block people but uh.

to keep things brief, one time someone was... Weirdly Angry about art that i made of dragons on flight rising (the ice element dragon makes hot food, and the fire element makes cold food. you know, a cute little gimmick for ocs)

and when i talked to them about it, thwy came to an understanding that it was a very uncalled-for comment. thus making me have the most BIZARRE interaction ive ever had to date

genuinely this haunts me every day. theres MUCH more to the conversation but they legitimately sounded like an anime antagonist

15. How do you feel about the ‘you need to reblog’ posts?

i simply do not reblog them <3

16. Do you like tag games?

theyre rly fun!!!! i enjoy them

17. Do you like ask games?

those are also very fun!! i dont rb them much anymore but still :3

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

enecoo and lmaonade definitely. also motherfucker-unlimited i consider you tumblr famous! i see quite a few of your posts float around from time to time. and cornsnoot has a rly popular snake blog !!

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

a really long time ago i did. fun fact there was a period of time i had a VERY slight crush on like 3 different mutuals, all at different times ofc (none of them even use this site anymore) and like within 2 weeks of me being like ‘woah theyre cute’ they got into a relationship. 3 separate times

its just my power i guess nhjfkdnhjdfk

and now im gonna tag some ppl!! u dont have to if u dont want to!!

and @ other mutuals i didnt tag bc i wasnt sure if u would enjoy this or not, feel free to do it and say i tagged you!!

@minatheangel​ @illumeow​ @sheepytina​ @cornysnoot​ @mangotigerr​

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.