#but i sure dont think he has any justifiable reason to be mad at me yet he fucking is and hes ignoring me completely and i just

[darishima]

best friend is 100% mad at me and fully fucking ignoring me when i ask why. hes fucking playing roblox on call with his friends while im over here freaking out ready to actually kill myself because he doesnt give a shit about me and wont fucking tell me why hes angry but i would bet MONEY that if he is mad, its over something i didnt even do wrong

[pookieismissing09]

ok guys i never post on here but heres my take on the sturniolo space camp situation if anyone gives a fuck

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I DONT EXPECT ANYONE TO READ EVERYTHING NO ONE WILL PROB SEE THIS ANYWAY 💀 ill prob delete this icl its just a lil rant 🥰🥰

and if u disagree with me idc im just expressing my opinions 😭 read the whole thing so i can justify myself before u start attacking me

before i say anything im not just sticking up for nick just because im a fan of the triplets. like some people are only sticking up for him because they hate to admit that he would ever lie or do anything wrong- and they’re defending him with no reasoning other than “he would never 🥺” like stfu. what im saying is that i don’t know for sure whether the ‘bee better’ guy is telling the truth, for all i know he might be chatting utter shit. but if he is telling the truth, then im saying that i understand nick lied but its not necessarily a negative thing.

so like first of all i dont see the issue with nick not being the founder of the brand. like yes i understand its ‘morally wrong’ to lie and its misinformation but i think we will live… it doesnt make any difference to the products or the people who buy them. like ik people say that they only bought it to support nick and they wouldn’t have bought it if they knew it was just some random brand, but its not just some ‘random brand’- they are still supporting nick cos he gets payed for advocating it. by purchasing the products, theyre keeping the brand afloat which means nick will get payed for being the ‘face of the brand’ and doing a good job at advertising. or in simple terms, even if nick isnt the founder of the entire brand he is still a huge part of the company and is definetly getting a fat bag from all of this. like yall are acting like you wouldnt lie if a company said they would pay you to do so- bffr we would all do what nick did.

and the other main thing is everyone is complaining about the price all of a sudden. like if you are all protesting about how nick has nothing to do with the origin of the brand then surely he also wouldn’t be able to control the price? so according to everyone saying the lip balms are not his idea, don’t be mad at nick for the ridiculous pricing if he apparently ‘had nothing to do with it in the first place‘. and aside from that, the pricing literally had nothing to do with the fact that he lied about being the founder- it would probably cost the same either way so why are people only getting worked up about the pricing now that he is being ‘exposed’? like honestly people are just looking for excuses to say he’s a bad person like what 😭

and ik this doesnt have anything to do with spacecamp, but in general these days everyone is saying how the triplets don’t put any effort into their content anymore and only do it for the money. i think you are forgetting that youtube is their full time paying job. doing youtube as a hobby and doing it as a career are completely different- and most people find that when they pursue their hobbies as a career choice they start to enjoy it less since they feel under pressure to perform a certain way (and don’t come at me for saying that because im “babying” the triplets, piss off).

put it this way, people that have high paying jobs that sit in an office all day don’t do that type of work for their enjoyment- they only work in that environment because they want to receive a larger income instead of having an enjoyable job with a poor wage. this is exactly the same as the triplets’ situation, i doubt very much that they actually do youtube for their personal enjoyment. at the end of the day they have to pay the bills and youtube is their only job- its not always going to be fun like it used to be (both for them and for us watching).

and for all of you thinking ‘well they shouldnt be youtubers if they cant entertain people’ you have to understand that getting a different job takes time. like the whole process of finding a career, interviewing etc. and as well as that, they are probably terrified to even consider looking for another career because of their batshit crazy fans (including me 💀). like can we just cut them some slack and let them get on with their job 😭. and at the end of the day they cant just stop being youtubers, they will never be able to live their lives as regular people now that they have created their platform- i doubt they will ever do anything else bc of the fear of being recognised in public whilst they are doing a more “normal” job.

and for the love of god this is NOT me saying that the triplets are gonna quit youtube. like i said, its their full time job. im just giving my opinion on people saying they are only doing it for the money- and quite honestly they are, but is that really such a bad thing? like im sorry but they aren’t just posting for our entertainment, they need money one way or another.

also is anyone else excited for the stream later like i hope nick will say something about all this and not just stay quiet until it all blows over

i think thats all i was gonna say i cant remember but if theres more then i will say 😘😘😘 sorry i waffle alot

[jetblkhotelmirror]

frank stans, how are we feeling?

i dont want to start anything but i would like to here peoples input on this- so, if youre gonna comment, be nice to each other please lol

im assuming that even though i havent seen much on it, the people here know about the ls dunes issues and related frank issues, but, to give a very short summary- ls dunes released an ai music video and when fans (rightfully) voiced their concern about the ethical implications of this, they doubled down, got defensive, and ended up saying some really harsh, hurtful things to fans. additionally, they have allowed "ai bros" to take over their fanbase and effectively bully original fans out of online spaces using homophobic, transphobic, and misogynistic rhetoric. in the aftermath, frank made an antisemetic joke (seemingly accidentally) and fans tried to (very calmy and respectfully for the most part) inform him that it was offensive, but instead of simply apologizing and taking it down, or doing anything productive whatsoever, he got mad and started insulting fans and insisted that it was not antisemetic and that he had done nothing wrong/people couldnt "take a joke." i might be forgetting some things but, lastly, a friend and frequent photographer of ls dunes showed up to a party dressed as an ls dunes fan. his outfit consisted of a bright orange wig, and ls dunes beanie, fingerless skeleton gloves, and the ls dunes shirt with wolves on it that was designed by a fan. it was clearly an attempt to laugh at and make fun of fans, specifically girls and women in the fanbase, and, though it wasnt one of the band members wearing it, the fact that he felt that it was not only okay but also funny means that fans are likely a common , or at least not an uncommon, subject of jokes or ridicule in that circle. a lot of people are justifiably upset that a band who was initially so vocal about loving and supporting the fanbase that has loved and supported them for so many years would let this happen, especially after all of the shitty things that have done/allowed to be done to fans in the last few months

im 100% done with ls dunes at this point for a number of reasons (ai, the toxicity in the new fanbase, the bashing of the fans for expressing their concerns, this costume, etc), but im not sure how to feel about frank in all this. i know that he has had a part in all of the dunes shit, so im definitely not his number 1 fan anymore, but the other stuff like the doubling down on the antisemetic joke is still rubbing me the wrong way.

i am kind of having a hard time being objective about this because i have loved him and his music for so many years, so i was wondering if anyone here has any thoughts or input as to what theyre thinking about frank after this whole situation. i certainly dont think he is flawless, and i never have, but at this point, after everything that has happened, i feel uncomfortable continuing to "stan" him in the way that i have been, and i definitely dont feel comfortable going on as if nothing has happened. like.. ive had a frank profile picture since i got a twitter account, and same on here, but i changed it bc i dont want people to think i support some of the shit thats been going on, so i really dont know what to do here

thoughts, anyone?

[scourgefrontiers]

opinion on zamasu (doesnt matter if its regular zamasu, goku black, fused zamasu, corrupted zamasu etc etc just zamasu in general)

oh now youve done it.

OK SO. like i said in my post abt supreme kais i really adore zamasu as a character bc he breaks the chain of supreme kai characters by being an antagonist/villain! he's a BAD supreme kai. a rotten apple. and we love him for that. he has morals, sure, but theyre not necessarily the right ones--theyre selfish and conceited and skewed morals that only really benefit him and his rightious ego to the point of where he's so in denial that theyre wrong that he refuses to believe anyone is correct about them except himself from another timeline. incredible

i do think that maybe if he had been given another chance early on to learn properly, maybe in a different way than how gowasu was going about it (to me it felt like gowasu was just like "this is wrong and thats how it is, we cant change anything" instead of maybe explaining Why things are the way they are and maybe try harder to help zamasu understand "justice" and "good vs evil" better in a way zamasu could better understand it) he could have been convinced to maybe back down from his extreme plan and come around to good again. bc i dont think he was always evil. he had a heart at one point, albeit one that grew clouded over time, and i think it was able to be tapped into before he went off the deep end. i believe in zamasu redemption arcs dont look at me

ok but goku black tho. i gotta talk abt goku black bc that mfer...is a lot. at his core he is zamasu, yes! but i think after swapping bodies and basically integrating with goku's body, he became a different person. maybe not entirely, especially at his core--otherwise i dont think future zamasu would have completely trusted him like he did--but maybe on a more surface level. as a saiyan, zamasu embraced the destructive and violent part of him. he embraced his bloodlust and even gave into it, and he enjoyed battle just as much as goku did, if not MORE... i like to use this reasoning to justify blamasu as a ship LMFAO. just to throw that in there. BUT ALSO some goku black headcanons that i like are that, being a supreme kai all his life, he doesnt know how to deal with a mortal--specifically saiyan--body properly. he doesn't know how much sleep it needs. he doesn't know how much it needs to eat to be healthy. all he knows is that it has unlimited potential for growth in terms of power. SO, i like to think he's very bad at taking care of goku's body and kind of lets it...for lack of a better word, rot. that's why i always depict him with heavy eyebags, sunken cheeks...he's HUNGRRY and TIRED and he has no idea how to deal with it so he ignores it and blames it on his "unruly saiyan body" :)

as for fused zamasu, i love that bitch. its like the perfect representation of how zamasu literally only agrees with himself and at the point of fusion he's completely engulfed in his own ego and ideals, past any sort of convincing otherwise. and the corruption of his form really seals the deal--he is so far gone he just turns into this ugly, ferocious monster. although back to some headcanon stuff, i like to think zamasu and black fusing was the ultimate form of self love for them, and when goku's attack clashed with him and turned his face goopy...that was part of him dying. the goku black part was dead. half of him was DEAD. he just had half of his body as a corpse at that point, because he was half mortal half immortal. and when that happened, he didnt know how to handle it, so he used the divine lightning to finish the job and completely rid himself of his mortal half, thus breaking down and becoming the hulking beast that was his corrupted form. i love it. i love seeing characters devolve into madness to the point of becoming monsters that represent their psyche <3

in super dragon ball heroes we see fused zamasu again but as a smaller version of himself, seemingly pre-corruption, but it's obvious that it's actually POST-corruption--i like to think fu took him out of his timeline just before he was destroyed physically and surgically removed the decomposing dead parts of him (the goop). that's why he has that armor covering his shoulder and right eye--those were the affected parts of his surgery! i like to think under his eyepatch piece he still has a purple bit of eye under there that fu left for one reason or another

anyway <3 those are my thoughts on zamasu thank u for activating my autism

[joelmmd]

kingdom hearts post again. finished kh2!

couldn't bring myself to keep going for 100% and do all of data organization 13. it took me like a day just to beat 2 of the bosses and i wasn't feeling like grinding the rest out after that and Especially wasn't looking forward to doing the same with lw. i'll probably come back to wrap all that up later, though.

i had a lot of fun with the game! one of my complaints with kh1 was that the combat was ~1 layer of depth away from being engaging for the whole 30 or so hours you'd be playing for, and kh2 has remedied it pretty well. forms are cool and add extra strategy when it comes to which one to use and when, keyblades coming with their own abilities makes it worth switching them around for reasons that aren't just "this has the highest strength/magic", and i feel like some of the abilities here are a lot more impactful than the first game's. the new mp system is weird but ultimately good, rewards players for not getting hit for a while and doesn't enable "fuck you" attacks by letting you stock up like 20 cures to make them not matter. not a fan of using cure Once meaning you can't use magic at all until it recharges but it is how it is.

enemy/boss design (gameplay-wise) is still not great. i'm starting to think this is always the case, and that you just don't see the cracks until the game starts demanding really good play from you. it's harder to get mad about some bullshit way you got hit if it only did like 1/5 of your health, but when it starts putting you at 1 hp you have to actually confront the move and realize "wow that's not ok".

the worlds were really good this time around. definitely appreciated how the game stopped caring so much about justifying why you're helping out the disney guy or riding a skateboard or doing a musical, they just let you do it. i didn't hear a thing about "Sora you aren't allowed to meddle in these worlds!!! Let's just get the keyhole and leave" and it was great.

standout mentions are the pirate world for the realistic ass ghouls & CJS's party member icon looking edited in, halloween town for having christmas town in it, lion king world for being the most egregiously "oc" yet (my lion oc is just a kid but he's super strong... he has spiky brown hair and dark fur and attacks with a Weapon instead of claws and stuff), and timeless river for just being great, it's probably my favorite. they all felt a bit short, though. probably a good thing for some of them, but i would've loved to have more to do after finishing them than just fighting mushrooms.

the story sucks dick. feels as bad as the first game's with way more steps to get there. organization 13 are fine antagonists but they're fighting for the spotlight with fucking Pete. and maleficent. pete really doesn't feel like the right character for "harbinger of darkness with plot to take over world". they end up doing jack dick anyways so i have to ask if they're only here to make sure the tone stays light and to keep the focus at least a little on disney.

i also don't like the whole "nobodies don't have feelings and don't exist and dont have hearts so they're basically nonpeople and it's ok that they're never happy" thing, it feels really weird compared to the rest of the game being generally optimistic and hopeful. especially with the game saying "darkness isn't bad and we need both it and light", feels like a step forward and then a step back in philosophy. waste of potential too! it's a lot harder to get invested in any future nobodies (assuming there are any) if you plain up say they don't have emotion or feelings.

i don't know if i'd say the writing's so bad, there were a few charming moments here and there that stuck with me and it was a lot less "No! The darkness... The light of the heart, Kingdom Hearts, the heartless the darkness... Kairi... Your light..." than the first game. part of it's definitely helped by the better voice acting across the board. there were for sure less moments where it got noticeably bad, and they actually bothered to bring in the whole winnie the pooh cast this time. sora's the big winner here, though, his performance here really elevated the character for me. or maybe he's just more interesting with the extra few years under his belt.

lightning round-prologue is neat in how it kind of prepares you for the real game but it's like 3 hours long, sora's new outfit & the form variations are pretty cool, reaction commands aren't as intrusive as i expected, limits are fun but i usually just healed instead, cure becoming an aoe is a change i like a lot, switching the target you're locked onto is bound to right trigger + flick right stick and it fucking sucks, being able to move the camera around while locked on is pretty great, and donald & goofy were a bit more capable this time around. still died a lot but they very rarely got on my nerves.

long, but i think i've said what i wanted to say. fun times. moving on to Dream Drop Distance now, which i've already got my hopes a bit lowered for from trying it out before. can't imagine it's gonna suck or anything though, as long as i can swing my funny keyblade as riku the game can only be so bad.

[violencebian]

i am. mad now so listen to my angry ranting

someone said monoma was worse than bakugou ??? because he learned how to "grow and change" and that has gotta be the STUPIDEST THING IVE EVER READ ???

point to me. one singular instance monomas done something worse than bakugou. one singular instance hes been abusive. oh whats that? you cant? exactly.

like monoma only really crosses the line once, when he was taunting iida about his run-in with stain. anything other than that he doesnt target anyone specifically, just tries to boost his class's confidence and encourage a rivalry between classes 1a and 1b.

NEED I MENTION HES 100% JUSTIFIED IN NOT LIKING CLASS 1A? like its natural hed be upset if he worked just as hard (if not harder which i think class 1b canonically has but correct me if im wrong) only for the other class to gain more recognition just because of a villain attack. id be pretty damn upset too. PLUS!! shinso hated 1a at first too (again correct me if im wrong) but no one hated him.

bakugou on the other hand has attacked others, repeatedly goes out of his way to yell and scream at them, calls others worthless, tells them to die, and has even told izuku to kill himself. not to mention hes canonically bullied izuku for about 10 years.

"oh well hes changed!!!"

when? sure, he may have apologized but heres something yall dont seem to understand. an apology is not proof of change.

plus bakugous has inconsistent character development, any good moments he does have are drowned out by him being violent or abusive. typically these scenes are played off as humorous which is a problem on its own that i can address as well,

also, if you need to have other characters tell us that a character has changed then maybe you need to re-think the way you're writing them.

bakugou has never had any genuine or meaningful character development. he HAS changed but not in the way yall think. hes changed in the way his character has been handled and written. he as a person has not changed much, if at all.

so yeah. no, monoma is not worse than bakugou. its fine to dislike monoma and enjoy bakugou since they have their own differences, its just often people hate monoma for made-up or nonsensical reasons, or the same reasons they like bakugou. its fine to just.. i dunno.. not like a character without having a good reason to? you can just not like them, theres no real reason to make up reasons to justify how you feel about a character.

[maschotch]

unpopular opinion- rossi gets more hate than jj and jj deserves it way more than rossi

hmm i tentatively agree with this. rossi has a lot of problems of his own: he’s played by a horrible actor, his mob/military background is boring as shit, he’s a misogynist (he’s gotten better but im p sure thats just him getting milder in his old age) and oh yeah he’s fucking racist aljdlajd so its hard for me to straight up say he doesnt deserve the hate he gets

that being said i feel like people arent necessarily mad at him for the right reasons? like i barely hear anyone talk ab any of the above, mostly its that he’s just mean to reid. which… i mean he’s not not mean to reid. but if we’re comparing apples to apples, i think he’s not nearly as bad as jj in that sense. it may just be a matter of personal opinion: i happen to think his jokes land better and overall his humor seems to come from a better place. it feels like he jokes around for the sake of the joke bc he sees an opportunity to be funny, as opposed to jj who seems to be making fun of reid as a way to seek validation from others that she’s better than him

this may just be me finding a snarky old man less threatening than a blonde haired blue eyed mean girl, but idk there just seems to be a difference between “we found him on the steps of the fbi” and the annoyed faces jj makes every time reid speaks. one is clearly a joke, obviously an exaggeration, and spoken with a bemused fondness. the other plays into reid’s insecurities, is only meant to be funny to others, and comes from genuine annoyance. this is just the energy i get from them, but idk how my many years of anti jj bias plays into the interpretation of their actions

i guess its bc, as much as rossi makes fun of reid, they’re backhanded compliments more than anything and unlike jj he’ll actually give reid credit (showing him off to his friend w the crossword puzzles). he acknowledges reid’s strengths even as he puts him down, while jj seems to tolerate him. i think rossi plays the grumpy grandpa role well, and it works bc he doesnt take himself to seriously either. he can take a joke when jj would just get defensive

but that confidence is also part of whats frustrating about him. he’s frequently wrong and stuck in the old ways, but still feels justified and a sense of pride. jj rejects her roots (she doesnt do it well, but at least she’s vocal ab her disappointment w her childhood) but rossi frequently reminisces ab “the good ol days” whether its back in his early bau days w gideon, back in his days w the military, back in his days w his mob buddies, or back when he was growing up in general. jj doesnt like to admit she’s wrong bc she’s defensive and has an inferiority complex. rossi doesnt like to admit he’s wrong bc, more often than not, he still thinks he’s right

personally i agree w u bc i find jj way more annoying. ive also grown weary of the fandom pretending she’s an angel when i have yet to hear anyone point out any redeeming qualities she may have (spoiler alert: there are none). meanwhile i dont really hear anyone talk positively ab rossi… not that he deserves it at all aldhakhd its just makes it more obvious that people like jj for no reason. ultimately it is just a matter of opinion, i just dont think many people bother defending rossi so its less irritating when he clearly does something wrong. pointing out jj’s flaws feels like an uphill battle against people plugging their ears, digging their heels, and pretending she’s perfect.

ultimately rossi is just a goofy old man set in his ways, and its hard to blame him for that. hate to use such an overused word, but he’s just a boomer aldhskhc and on the boomer scale he’s not that bad akdhkshd. but jj is young. part of being young is learning to grow from your mistakes. she’s not even willing to admit she makes any. i think thats why its harder for me to forgive her akdhskh which may not be fair: rossi gets the “he doesnt know any better” excuse from the “cant teach an old dog new tricks” cliche (as problematic as it is). jj is far more stubborn and abrasive, which is less forgivable when she’s still supposed to be growing as a person. she’s stunting her own growth and idk if she could ever admit it

[la-ro-ki]

rewatching the stream where fundy n phil meet michael and i remembered how pissed it makes me lmaoo upset ramblings under da cut bc it got long kjfskjsj

 the beginning where phil n ranboo drown him is ehh but i let it slide bc it pales in comparison to the tower fjssklskl they rlly made fundy jump from a tall ass tower over and over just to get back his stuff (which!! he didnt even rlly want most of it back tbh!!!!! just the shclatt sword :[ ) and killed him repeatedly. i get that they dont like him (well tbh its mostly phil although tubbo n ranboo certainly dont object) but hes very non confrontational and docile during this visit even as hes getting drowned and just jkjldlskldkssld despite all that he still wants to go along with them to see michael and thats a whole other disaster. 

i think fundy is one of the few ppl whos given legitimate criticism of the beeduos treatment of michael and is in a place to give that criticism?? like the direct parallels between fundy n michael are Right There and it sucks. it sucks so much. his whole point is just straight up ignored too in favor of the argument ‘michael is a mob’ bc that point is just bad. michael cannot be treated as both a mob and a child bc those hold very different statuses in the dream smp. if beeduo wanted to canonize him being straight up sentient or a hybrid then thatd be different but like. they have to choose one or the other, they cant just switch to whatever benefits them the most in that moment. michael, a mob, dying would be awful because beeduo is attached to him as a particularly special pet. michael, a CHILD, dying would be downright horrific because it would be beeduo losing their very young son. if hes killed then its the same argument. a pet killer and a child killer are drastically different things. 

if michaels a mob then of course fundys idea of he might want a lil freedom is a bit silly. if michaels a child tho then fundy is completely right in that its wrong of them to keep him locked up. ive seen ppl miss fundys point entirely too and point out that clearly the beeduo love michael bc theyre giving him a huge ass manison. the problem isnt that his bedroom is small (well it is but less severe) but that hes not allowed outside or to see anyone other than beeduo and rare visitors. beeduo can give him the biggest mansion they can buy but it doesnt change anything. wilbur gave fundy an entire COUNTRY and it still wasnt enough to salvage their relationship. 

speaking of wilbur, ranboos snarky comment abt how fundys relationship with his dad wasnt the best either was fucked up and it made me feel gross. fundys relationship with wilbur is literally what makes him such a good (if not slightly biased) judge of the situation?? hes BEEN in michaels role before and he has a unique perspective on it. his suggestions werent even that bad, they were literally like ‘maybe take him outside occasionally’ or ‘let people come hang out w him’. tommy straight up said he wanted to kill michael multiple times and the beeduo was less hostile to him. also when fundy was killed in michaels room and he was like ‘hey please dont let michael accidentally grab my stuff’. and everyone was like ‘lmaoo what a fuckin loser sure hope this mob doesnt grab your lore related weapon and netherite gear’. then fundy got mad and said hed kill michael if he grabbed any of his stuff, which is completely reasonable??? fundy was killed, he didnt die by accident, and hed been nothing but kind to michael directly even after being told hes technically a mob. hes allowed to decide that the life of one pet is worth getting his very important heavily grinded items back. beeduo are like ‘we’ll make ur life living hell if u kill michael’ like they werent the ones who killed him and threatened to let his stuff despawn. phil shows a bit of mercy but its immediately taken back. bc phil, fuckin phil that bitch, taunts him by hiding some of his stuff in his inventory to bait him into killing michael. 

im probs gonna stop it here but im so fuckin genuinely pissed bc the entire stream is like that and from a lore pov its just the fucking worst. theres nothing to justify them treating fundy like that in any way when fundy has done so little to any of them jsfssdklsdks grrrrrrr

[siswritesyanderes]

This is a series of asks bc, while I do LIKE all the charas of Fantastic Beasts individually, much of the romantic pairings dont sit well with me. By that mean the messy love polygon w Newt & I think I finally figured out why & I'd like another's opinion on it. For starters, Newt's attraction with Tina is too fast for me considering he was friends w Leta, got expelled out of Hogwarts for Leta, carried Leta's photo in his case, & basically loved her for YEARS. But this is all undone by a [1]

jaunt in NY having met a woman, who he admittedly went on a huge adventure w, over the course of maybe a few weeks. He's so taken w her she replaces Leta's photo w her own &, after refusing to go to Paris for Dumbledore, leaves immediately once he finds out she's there. I just find this unbelievable. I can rationalize it from Newt's perspective where Tina is a fresh breeze sweeping into his life on (percieved) unrequited pining, but this is my conjecture based on my understanding of Newt. [2]

The audience shouldnt be left to rationalize endgame couple of the mc on their own. & the whole thing w Leta is so messily handled I dont think they can save it even if they bring her back in FB3. How she feels for Newt vs Theseus & unresolved lingering affection, etc. She & Newt were SO important to each other & we SEE that & they dont HAVE to get together, but they need proper resolution bc they have actual history between them. God Leta in general deserved so much better. [3]

But my main gripe is that this love polygon serves no purpose to what I believe is the main selling point of FB: the world. HP having love stories makes sense bc we're following the story of a boy as he goes through adolescence & his journey through that via school is part of that, which is why the romance feels fitting. It's a very personal story. FB on the otherhand is the best peak we have at the wider wizarding world beyond school. HP introduces the world of magic, but FB rlly expands it [4]

To that end Jakob & Queenie's relationship is the only one I find myself liking, bc it's deeply tied to the world setting, the series' biggest selling point (in my opinion, should have said this earlier). It underscores the attitudes of the period & the conflict they face feels suitably substantial & not like filler. There's a moral question between them of are they worth it? And how far should they go to be together?

Imma be real hear & say FB2 was rlly Queenie's movie & they should have been ballsy & just make Queenie the mc for FB2, bc her story was actually considerably more important to the overall development of the story than Newt's, which mostly came off as a rushed & a tad clichè soap drama. & making it about Queenie I think builds more room for good conflict & independent narrative for Tina that would serve her chara better. [5? 6?]

If I bad to be REAL ballsy, I'd say my big issue w/ the relationships in the FB series & how it enhances or impedes the main story & what I believe to be it's biggest attracter (the setting) could have been solved if they made Newt's romantic interest a muggle. It attaches a deeper meaning & relevance to them & the story so it felt more deeply that they truly moved WITH the narrative rather than beside it but I guess Im just picky. Thx for putting up w this! [Final]

(My response below the cut.)

Yeah, pretty much all of this is right.

Regarding the Tina thing, it was definitely rushed, especially since there was literally nothing romantic between them in the whole first movie, except maybe the end part where they're stumbling over their words. Despite knowing how movies work and knowing that they were the male and female lead, I still found that completely out of left field, because they don't really share any interests and I didn't feel like they felt anything in particular for each other before that. She really wants to be an auror and feels really intensely about it; he just wants to travel the world and write about magical creatures and take care of them. I don't see a lot of compatibility there, and the movie didn't really do anything to reconcile that gap.

Jacob and Queenie made sense, because they actually sowed some seeds for it. It's not even about the fact that they both like to cook; they showed an interest in each other throughout. They noticeably like each other. Newt and Tina never really had that, to me, so it was bizarre for her to become his primary motivation in the second movie.

Queenie's trajectory in movie 2 overall bothers me, so while I agree it would have been better if they'd centered it more around her, I definitely think they needed to drastically rewrite pretty much everything she did. Enchanting Jacob at the beginning never sat well with me; I usually only have to say this in the Descendants fandom, but if one half of the ship is magical and the other half isn't, we can't have the magical one enchanting the non-magical one for romantic reasons without addressing what a violation of trust that is. Like, Jacob would be justified for never trusting her again, over that. Also, the fact that she apparently holds it against people if they think bad things about her is not something I would expect from someone who has been a Legilimens as long as she has, and not a detail I like, at all. Especially since it was used to give her justification to be mad at Jacob after she enchanted him in the first place. I find it sad, because Queenie was definitely my favorite character in the first movie. (Also, joining Grindelwald was a nonsensical thing to do. I can only assume she's there to spy on him or something, because it makes literally no sense.)

As for Leta, I really don't like how that was approached. First of all, I don't like how their mention of her in the first movie was "She was a taker; you need a giver," because once we actually met the character, that only made me resent Queenie for representing her that way. Leta deserved better in pretty much every way, and they definitely shouldn't have killed her off like that. I find the whole situation really iffy from a racial standpoint. The first black character to be written three-dimensionally in all of HP lore, and they make sure to preemptively tell the audience that she's a "taker", kill her in the same movie we meet her, and manage to trivialize her death by turning it into a little "Who was she saying 'I love you' to?" mystery. I like her relationship with Newt and Theseus, and I'd definitely want to see more of it.

Yes, it definitely would have been better, thematically, if they'd made the love interest a Muggle. (I'd honestly say they should've paired Newt with Jacob, but I know they're unwilling to do that. That would be kind of cool, though, to see the movie shaping up with two male characters and two female characters and have the men end up with each other and the women just live their lives as humans.)

With the story they ended up telling, though, I don't think that is needed; since Queenie is already dealing with the wizard/Muggle storyline, Newt could have a different conflict. Maybe his love interest should be a werewolf or something, to tie in the wizarding world's unresolved dislike for "half-breeds". And if he were in a relationship with someone already regarded as a creature, the wider wizarding world might take a different view to his studies and look down on him a lot more. Idk, a thought.

And then, with Leta/Theseus and Grindelwald/Dumbledore (if they were willing to actually deal with that), they'd pretty much hit every controversial beat they've got: wizard/Muggle, wizard/"half-breed", interracial, homosexual. Credence and Nagini are both creatures, kind of, but I still like them together, so their relationship doesn't have to tie into any theme; it just has to be developed way more.

On the whole, Crimes of Grindelwald felt like they skipped a movie. It feels like they needed a middle installment to make these relationships happen, instead of jumping from "Do Newt and Tina maybe have feelings for each other?" to "Newt loves Tina and Tina is possessive enough of Newt to be outwardly upset with him when she thinks he's engaged to someone else," and creating a whole relationship between Credence and Nagini that we see none of.

The fact that Queenie and Jacob were done well in the first movie gives me a fair amount of goodwill for them, but that goodwill only offers enough cushioning from the botching that movie 2 did that I'm near-indifferent to the ship, now, instead of actively opposed. I'd like to see things improved, but as it currently stands, I'd be just as happy seeing them end up not together as together. The fact that Leta's relationships with Newt and Theseus were more interesting than any of the aforementioned makes it that much more ridiculous that they killed her. What ship am I supposed to care about how? If I can't go into the next movie delusionally hoping Newt and Leta will get some moments, or enjoying the Theseus and Leta content, then I'll just be sitting there waiting for Credence and Nagini to share a screen, and who knows when that'll happen?

[ibelonginthepast]

honey first of all, you are right! no one has the right to be biphobic! him being biphobic is bad! BUT he is a humannn who will make mistakesss like we all dooooo and learn from themmmm! internalised homophobia literally means being homo/bipobic. it doesn't give him the right, but its the reason. not an excuse! but an explanation.

you are right about the fact that he never apologized either! but now here's the thing.

1. CC is bad at handling this shit. there are not enough malec scenes cause cc definitely has a problem with managing scene times and pushing queer characters to the background and i hate her for that. so criticize her for that for overlooking this. if u feel she did.

2. at the same time i believe sometimes as authors it's not always their job to label problematic behaviors with their tags.. the narrator doesn't go like *deep voice* "and alas he is being biphobic" or "shameful! he is slutshaming",, they instead show that behavior and leave it to reader to read it and feel uncomfortable and realize what alec is doing is wrong. she didn't glorify. we all knew alec was letting his insecurities get better of him, and in the scene where he says all this when they are sitting on the table at the wedding or whatever, everyone at the table is mad and upset at alec's moodiness and it mentions that magnus is hurt and that's a clear indication as to what he did was wrong.

3. so to fill gaps this we headcanon! we think about his future behaviors and his will to get better and we tell ourselves that he did better. he apologized. and did everything in his power to make sure that the future shadowhunters know what it is and don't commit the exact same mistakes he made!

4. alec isn't someone who was biphobic KNOWING he was being biphobic. it's not like he stabbed magnus and because stabbing is so obvious he should go and say "magnus i am sorry for stabbing you.". it's biphobia, that bitch doesn't know that's a word! he learned that he could like men few months ago! so he can't go to magnus and be like "i am sorry for being biphobic",, but he gonna be like "maggie babes am sorry for being a fucking dick!" which he did. trust me he hates himself so much more than any of us can for doing this to the one love of his fucking life!

secondly, i am sorry u felt attacked by my post (this sounds sarcastic, it's genuine) but i wasn't attacking u. that was a generic statement against the white peeps from USA or UK and comparatively liberal countries where atleast they discuss queerness.. cause uk it's hush shush here. but situations differ according to subjects yes?

i know where u come from. i was mad at alec too! i wanted to rip that motherfucker's face off! u r brown and queer, but our experiences still can be different. i am way too emotional sometimes and i believe in forgiveness too much sometimes. but then my personal past as a brown queer plays into this personally and differently than you, so i believe in this ship. u can choose not to and that's okay.. but u dont have to actively hate on it just because u cannot relate? that's just lack of empathy

i can understand that maybe some people no matter what race for example have been in a situation similar to magnus's and dont feel their ex partner deserves forgiveness WHICH IS VERY VALID because it's totally their decision,, among a lot of other kinds of perspectives and experiences which may come into play and may make people not like the handling of the situation

but my experiences are equally valid? this doesn't have to a be political stance and this isn't a situation that needs to be justified morally right or wrong. this is just an example of how it MAY play out in real life human interactions. this is just a story, a narrative in which they have instead embraced forgiveness, and the reason and complexity behind alec's behavior is given. we all can coexist while having having different personal choices. u dont have to attack the ship or me or question my ethical beliefs on that. i don't think anyone has the right to attack me or anyone who gets will to live from book malec because it has taught them things and made them feel seen. u dont like book malec, no one is forcing u to love it. u don't hate on it. and u dont invalidate people. that's basic decency.

[gladerwolfstarkimagines]

Azula x female reader series: Part 6

Azula learns details about your relationship with Zuko and is furious leaving you isolated in a dangerous situation with few allies. You learn Zuko’s plan to escape during the eclipse and are torn between telling Azula or escaping with Zuko. Azula feels betrayed and no longer trusts you but do you give up on her that easily?

Tag list: @saucy-sapphic @justastranger-passing @azulasprincess @888-rising @sighsam @theblueslytherin @lucyrocks86 @halcyon-arts

Part One here

Part Two here

Part Three here

Part Four here

Part Five here

----

Your POV

"So that was a good effort" Zuko said breaking the awkward silence that settled as soon as you walked into his room. You managed not to roll your eyes as you moved about the room readying it for the night. Your training sessions were usually okay but today you'd done particularly bad and you were feeling hopeless you'd ever get better. "Seriously" Zuko said offering you a small smile "you're a new bender it will take time". Your practice sessions had been numerous, Zuko was suprisingly enthusiastic about training you but you hadn't been showing much improvement. He tried teaching you how his uncle taught him but the technique wasn’t compatible with you or something because you’d barely been able to match any of his stances. "Maybe I’m just not that good" you shrugged "you and Azula are royals it makes sense you’re such strong fire benders". Zuko went quiet at the mention of Azula and you scolded yourself for bringing her up, you weren’t meant to do that but you were seeing her tonight so she was on your mind. "Yes well..' Zuko started when there was a knock at the door. "Dammit I was supposed to meet Mai a while ago" Zuko frowned "y/n hide". "What?" You asked confused. "Things with Mai have been difficult lately" Zuko said awkwardly "she’s still not happy you’re my maid and if she sees you she’ll know we’ve been training and it will make her mad, so can you hide?". You nodded ignoring the blush on Zuko’s cheeks and looked for a spot. "Under the bed?" Zuko offered and you frowned "why don’t you just tell her what happened? We were training and lost track of time, maybe if you tell her the truth she won’t be mad". Zuko was thinking it over in his head when she knocked again and he jumped. "She won’t understand so please just hide y/n, I’ll tell her I’m coming soon and get her to leave". You sighed but nodded and rolled under the bed. Zuko sighed with relief and turned the door handle "I'm so sorry Ma..." he started but he stopped abruptly and you heard a voice that was certainly not Mai's. "I dont know what youre apologising for but im sure it's justified”.

Azula's POV

Azula loved catching her brother off guard and it seemed she had done just that. She waited until she was sure you'd have left the training room and came to Zuko's room. Azula wasn’t really sure why she was here, she hadn’t arranged this with you and it wasn’t that she didn’t trust you or anything. She just wanted proof nothing was going on, to see you two together in a non formal setting and see for herself what your relationship with her brother was like. Azula walked into the room amused Zuko looked so angry. She looked around for you but noticed you weren’t here, she imagined you were hiding and that sparked doubt in her mind. If Zuko was hiding you from Mai he must have a reason....

"Azula what do you want I'm late to meet Mai". Azula smirked turning to face him "she's already angry at you zuzu I doubt being late can make matters much worse between you, I don’t think anything can really". Zuko turned red in anger and embarrassment and Azula continued "how was your training session by the way? You’ve been having a lot of them lately haven’t you?". "None of your buisness" Zuko snapped "now get out". "My my not in a good mood" Azula replied "I’m only here for y/n". "Y/n?" Zuko asked and Azula nodded "yeah you know your maid..that's her name". "I know who she is!" Zuko snapped "but what do you want with her?". Azula smirked but she noticed another thing she didn’t like, the suspicion and anger Zuko showed at the mention of your name. "None of your buisness" Azula mimicked Zuko "have you seen her or not? I was sure she'd be here for some reason...seems she's been spending a lot of time with you according to the servants, I’m glad you've made a friend Zuko but if she works for you does it really count?". "You’re one to talk" Zuko spat and Azula frowned confused "I am?". "The way you've treated y/n, is it no wonder she likes me better?". Ow that hit a sensitive spot. What did he mean? Azula wondered. How dare he insinuate you liked him more. It wasn’t true and Azula knew that but it still made her nervous. "and how have I treated the maid brother?" Azula asked her temper already growing. "She told me all of it" zuko explained "how you blackmailed her to be loyal to you! How you lied and manipulated her, used whatever emotions she had for you for your own gain, how she never did any of it because she wanted to but because you made her! Honestly you're a monster". It wasn’t the first time Azula had been called a monster but it was the first time in relation to you so it stung. "And i’m supposed to believe y/n trusted you enough to confess this all?" Azula asked. Zuko nodded "i promised her i’d keep her safe from you and she confessed it all, everything I said came from her lips directly, she hates you Azula but she’s not scared of you anymore, because you can’t touch her now, she’s my maid and you can’t boss her around anymore". Azula was so shocked it took her a while to think of a witty response. You'd really told Zuko all of that about her? Did you really feel that way? How could you say it to Zuko of all people? All Azula wanted to do was run away but she couldn’t, she spun to Zuko and decided to let her anger out on him. "You think she’s untouachble? Nobody is" Azula spat "I am the best fire bender this nation has seen in aeons, you know i can beat you zuzu, speak to me like that again and I’ll give you a scar to match the one father did!". Zuko grunted and lunged for her but Azula was ready, lightning danced on her hands and she aimed. Zuko ducked and it hit his wall instead narrowly missing him. Zuko stared as the spot he’d just been stood on now smoked and Azula smiled satisfied. "Next time I won’t miss" and slammed the door.

Your POV

You made your way down the coridoor still shocked from the events in Zuko’s room. You couldn’t believe the horrible things Zuko had said but for Azula to fire lighning at him. She could have killed Zuko, murdered her brother over an argument. You reminded yourself she missed on purpose, she would never actually kill Zuko...not over something so petty as this anyway. Azula surely didn’t really believe you meant all the things you’d told Zuko, she surely knew it was all for the mission she’s assigned you and understood. You pushed open the door to your room and saw Azula stood there. The look she gave you told you, you’d been wrong. Azula turned to face you her face showing anger as she looked at you. It intimidated you and weeks ago you’d have been terrified but this was Azula, your Azula. You could reason with her and explain everything. She’s listen to you.

Azula’s POV

Azula felt she’d been very understanding. She’d allowed the private training sessions, she understood letting Zuko teach you fire bending and she hadn’t even got angry when you’d accidentally shown Zuko your abilities. What Azula couldn’t get over however was you creating this bad relationship for Zuko’s benefit. Azula watched as you stepped into the room and waited to see if you’d speak first. She was suprised you looked her straight in the eye as you went to speak “Azula I know you’re angry...”. “Of course I’m angry” Azula burst “how long have you been telling Zuko horrible stories about me”. “Well since the day he found out I was a firebender but they were all lies Azula”. “They’re not lies to Zuko, he thinks they’re true...you must’ve been pretty convincing, maybe they weren’t all lies”. “Of course they were Azula! I just made him think i disliked you so he’d trust me, he wouldn’t trust me any other way” you argued. “You couldn’t think of any other way besides bad mouthing me to my worst enemy? To someone I’ve despised since being a child?” Azula asked. “You wanted me to get close to Zuko” you cried “you asked me to do this and so I did, it’s clearly worked”. “No, I seem to recall telling you I could find another way y/n, that I’d use another plan, after your...slip up. I didn’t ask you to carry this on, you carried it on y/n and this is the way you chose to do it”.

The worst part was Azula could actually see the logic to your plan. Zuko hadn’t thought fondly of Azula since she’d learnt to walk, it was instinct for him to blame and hate her, to believe she was a cruel person. And yes Azula had been rude and cruel to many servants so the story would been easily believed but she had been nice to you, nicer than she was to her own friends! She’d protected you, trusted you and even grown to care for you more than she ever had for anyone else. You didn’t need rescuing from her, least of all by zuko but that was the story you’d sold him. As everyone did, even your mind made Azula the villan and Zuko the hero. Azula was snapped out of her rumination when you spoke. "Azula..." you tried again "please I was just doing it for the mission, I didn’t want to have ruined your plan, I wanted to salvage it by any means necessary, it’s working really well but I will stop if you want me to, I won’t keep up this act with Zuko anymore". “I think it’s a bit late for that” Azula snapped “you’ve already convinced Zuko I’m a monster to you and you’ve convinced me that what you really think of me”. “But Azula..” you tried but she cut you off aware she had to end this conversation now while she had control over her emotions. “No” she said raising her voice “the deal is off”. As Azula said those words she felt them hang in the air and saw your face change as you registered what she was saying. “I no longer want you to try and learn Zuko’s secrets, I don’t want you to report back to me, I don’t want to see or hear from you again” she yelled.

Your POV

Azula’s voice rang in the air and you stared at her. You felt scared, shock and sad but mainly angry. Azula had been fine with complicating your job by making you a spy, by making you lose the respect of your colleagues, by making the royals all despise you as a servant girl trying to sleep her way to the top and was only annoyed when Zuko believed a lie about her. "But it’s not true" you cried "Azula you know that! I know that! Who cares what zuko thinks? You’re throwing all this away because of him?". “This is not about Zuko y/n this is about you and I no longer trust or want to be around you”. Azula turned to leave and your anger turned to desperation.  "Azula you don’t have to do this" you said reaching for her but she spun around brushing your hand away "who are you to tell me what i have or don’t have to do? I am the princess of the biggest kingdom in the world and you are a mere servant! You don’t speak to me that way ever!". You lowered your eyes and tried not to show how upset her words left you. A mere servant? How many times had Azula told you that you were more than that? And now she was pulling that all away, she was leaving you with Zuko in the middle of a web you’d spun on her orders, you’d manipulated Zuko and almost ruined his relationship on her orders and now she was abandoning you to it. Again as always Azula seemed to read your mind “have fun with zu zu y/n, he’s all you have left” and she stormed from the room.

1 week later

Your POV

"The room is prepared Prince Zuko" you declared. Zuko looked around shocked, you hadn’t been working long but it was true you’d done all he’d asked. He looked around for another job for you to do to make you stay but couldn’t spot any. You been cold and distant as of late and Zuko didn’t like it. "Is there anything else you require?" You asked. Zuko shook his head "no that is fine y/n" and you nodded going for the door. "Wait" Zuko called as your hand touched the door handle. Your shoulders slumped but you turned around passively "yes?". "Y/n are you okay?" Zuko asked. You wanted to scream that question seemed so stupid. Instead you just nodded your head "yes Prince Zuko". You were itching for him to leave you alone but Zuko wasn’t giving up that easy. "No you’re not" he replied. You shrugged not having the energy to argue and Zuko sighed "is it Azula?". You wanted to tell anyone it hurt so much but instead you met his eyes and calmly shook your head "no". Zuko frowned but you didn’t look away from his stare and he sighed "so what is it? You cancelled our training sessions for a reason! And i’ve noticed you’ve been sad y/n, I do notice other people besides myself you know!". You swallowed scared to comment and Zuko frowned again "is it the rumours about us?”. Again you were unsure how to comment, you didn’t want to encourage him or at the same time offend him, he was your employer and the only friend you had left now. "Rumours?" You asked playing dumb and Zuko rolled his eyes "i know you’re aware of them I think everyone is, they all think my interest in you is physical and unprofessional, is that why you’ve distanced yourself from me? If so y/n yo don’t have to I can stop the rumours and we can go back to training". "It’s not about you" you burst before you could stop yourself "I’m not worried my colleagues all despise me or think bad things about me, I dont care the nobels all think I am seducing you for power, I don’t care what they whisper about us as we pass" you burst. You wanted to add the most important one, that you didn’t care Azula didn’t like you anymore but knew that was a lie. Zuko stared at you shocked and you realised you’d just shouted at the heir to the throne and your only ally. "Prince Zuko i’m so sorry..." you started but he cut you off. "No it’s okay I pushed you it’s I who should apologise...but we are friends y/n you can tell me these things". You nodded your head “thank you” but made no move to carry on talking. "You are not happy" Zuko said thoughtfully and he turned to face you. You shrugged in response not seeing the point in denying it anymore. “what if i told you I could help get you away from this? From here?" Zuko asked. You looked at him shocked but truthfully you’d been expecting to be dismissed now Azula didn’t want you here but still it hurt. Regardless you handled it with composure and nodded "where will you resassign me?". "Reassign you?" Zuko asked surpised "y/n i don’t want to send you away!". "You don’t? Then what would you do?" you asked frowning. Zuko paused looking around to make sure his door was closed and lowered his voice “I’m planning on leaving soon and I could take you with me if you wanted". You paused shocked at this statement "you’re deserting the fire nation?” Zuko flushed "well i wouldn’t call it that but yes i guess i am but I never should’ve come back here, it was a mistake, I have to get out of here". "And you’d take me with you?" You asked "why?". Zuko paused "well we know the rumours aren’t true but my family doesn't, if I disappear they will interrogate all those close to me and they’ll turn to you, when I think of what they’ll do to get answers from you, my father alone will...." zuko trailed off before shaking his head "I don’t want to leave you behind to deal with the consequences of my actions, I could sneak you out with me...you could get away from this all if you came with me...what do you think?" Zuko asked. “This is a very kind offer Zuko” you frowned. “But...?” he asked sensing you weren’t totally on board with this plan. Leaving with Zuko would get you out of your situation but something was stopping you. Azula. If you left that would be it for your chances of reconciling what you had with her, you would prove to her she was right and you’d be another person who chose Zuko over her. You’d ruin all you’d had and maybe even Azula. You sighed and looked at Zuko "can i think about it?". Zuko nodded "of course, think it over but don’t take too long y/n the escape is in 2 days".

Azula’s POV

The day of the eclipse was fast approaching and the whole palace was busy  finalising plans. Azula too was rushed off her feet ensuring the barracks were sufficient and she’d liked to have said it distracted her from what happened but it only put it off. Azula could go all day without thinking about it or wondering what was happening right now between you and Zuko but as soon as the silence settled or the planning was done it all came back. She’d hear your voice as you told her you didn’t mean it, how you tried to explain your actions away by blaming them on her. It still made her angry. She heard Zuko’s voice as he told her all you’d said and his promise to keep you safe from him. Azula would give up trying to sleep as the voices got too loud and go back to planning whatever she had left to plan. She double checked, triple checked everything but still she found an excuse to keep her mind from thinking but there were some ocassions she couldn’t help. Azula entered the dining room expecting to see her father and Zuko but saw Mai and Ty Lee instead. To be fair Zuko had been avoiding Azula so she didn’t expect him to be here but she thought her father would want to see her before the move to the barracks. “Where’s my father?” Azula barked and Mai shrugged but Ty Lee tried to smile “we’re not sure but we we’re summonded here instead. Nobody else has shown up so guess this is all ours” Ty Lee smiled looking at the food. Azula grunted but took a seat, she had nowhere else to be, she hadn’t realised how much time she’s spent with you until she cut you out of her life. “We were just talking about the move tomorrow” Ty Lee explained although Azula hadn’t asked “I was saying how I’m jealous Mai’s family got such a good spot! Then again I guess it’s understandable, Zuko probably put a good word in” Ty Lee said making Mai smile slightly. Azula had heard things had improved with Zuko and Mai, she guessed now you were no longer making things difficult Zuko had been forgiven and it was like it had never happened. That made Azula angry, she had lost her plan, her favourite maid, her only confidant, her well...whatever you two had been to one another all because of Zuko and he was happy while Azula was alone and miserable as always. Well not if she could help it, Azula was guessing Zuko hadn’t told Mai everything....

“Yes I’ve heard Zuko’s been keeping his favourites close to his chest lately”. Ty Lee shot Azula a wary look but Mai narrowed her eyes “what does that mean?”. “Ow nothing” Azula smirked “I mean you and Zuko have moved passed that whole buisness I’d hate to drag things back up...”. “Tell me” Mai snapped and when Azula raised an eyebrow she sighed “please”. Azula smirked “well it’s nothing really just that night you and Zuko went to go watch the ember island players and he was late...well he was with the maid. I went to his room to tell him father needed to speak with him and he thought I was you, he had her hid under the bed so you wouldn’t see her. He was late for your date because he was busy with another woman”. Mai slammed her cutlery down and stood up so suddenly the table shook. She threw her chair back and strode out of the room. Azula grinned watching and Ty Lee frowned at her. “Did you have to do that?” Ty Lee asked. “I think she should know my brothers cheating on her, would you rather I lie to her like he’s doing?”. “No but you didn’t have to tell her like that” Ty Lee sighed “it was just mean” and she stood up going after Mai. Azula brushed of Ty Lee’s comment, everyone thought she was mean, evil, a monster so why shouldn’t she act like one? Azula savoured her win over Zuko and smirked thinking about what Mai would do to him but the happiness was short lived. Azula looked around the now empty room and felt the familair pang of loneliness she’s felt growing since she’d dismissed you. It just seemed to be getting worse and if ruining Zuko’s happiness couldn’t even get rid of it could anything? She swallowed hard and stood up, she should get back to work.

Your POV

“Those boxes need going to Prince Zuko’s private room in the baracks” you told the servants who had come to help you move Zuko’s belongings to the bunkers for safety during the eclipse. It was all for show really, Zuko was planning on leaving during the eclipse so wouldn’t really need a room in the baracks but you had to pretend he’d be there the whole time. You’d organised all his possessions and managed to save the few he would need on him when he made his escape without arousing suspicion. You still hadn’t decided if to stay or go and time was running out to put it off any longer. The servants all got to work helping you automatically but none of them would look at you. You knew most were scared of you, they figured you had Zuko’s ear and they weren’t wrong you supposed but it was in a different way than they thought. You picked up a stack of boxes too, determined to show them all you weren’t just Zuko’s accesory and led the way to the barracks. You hadn’t gone far down the coridoor when someone came around the corner. Mai and Ty Lee appeared and they seemed to be arguing or atleast Mai was, she was walking ahead as Ty Lee tried to keep up and seemed angry. You hoped they wouldn’t look up and almost made it past them when Mai’s eyes fixed on you you felt your heart stop. “Stop” she called and all the servants halted. Ty Lee was saying something to her, sje seemed to be begging her not do this but Mai didn’t seem to be listening. She looked at the boxes you were carrying clearly marked as Zuko’s things and that seemed to make her angrier. You always found the girl terrifying but now she looked plain evil. The look she sent you told you she wanted you dead, no worse than dead. “Leave us” she spat at the servants. They were all too happy to leave and rushed off, even plucking the boxes from your hands as they passed leaving you very much on your own. You instantly feared what Mai was going to do to you. You thought her and Zuko had made up since you’d distanced yourself from him but apparently Mai wasn’t ready to move on. Ty lee watched Mai stare at you and frowned “Mai don’t...". Ty Lee go" Mai said her voice flat "i wish to speak to the servant alone". Ty Lee looked at Mai but sighed seeing Mai’s eyes were fixed on you unmoving. Ty Lee looked upset but obediently turned and walked back the way she’d come. Mai stared at you and then moved forwards soundlessly and you instinctively went to step back. “Does Zuko often hide you in his room everytime I visit or just when he’s already an hour late to our date?” Mai asked. You paused confused why Mai was bringing this up now, that night was ages ago why was she angry about it now? Mai didn’t seem to care what you had to say though and carried “do either of you think you’re fooling anyone? Do you think the rumours of the two of you haven’t reach us all? That we don’t know you’re together?”. You stared at Mai not wanting to move, breath or do anything to anger her any more.  "Do you deny it?" she asked stepping closer again and you backed up into the wall. You looked at her helplessly, what could you say? You couldn’t tell her you were just training with Zuko, she’s definitely tell Ozai to have you thrown out of her life for good. "You should speak to Prince Zuko" you told her shakily "I don’t know what I’m allowed to say". Mai gripped you so suddenly you would’ve flinched but her grip didn’t permit it. She had a hand of your throat and the other on a knife you hadn’t even seen her draw. "Not allowed" she spat "acting now like you’re someone who follows all the rules! What being Azula’s pet wasn’t enough to make you feel special you had to have Zuko too? Bet you brag to all your little servant friends, think you’re going to secure your place here through Zuko and some bastard child?". You shook your head "no Mai! That’s not what I want!". Mai only hissed slightly pressing on your neck harder "I should kill you both for the insult to me!". "Mai it’s not what you think" you couldn’t help saying "please talk to Zuko!". "Zuko?" she spat "you dare be so casual about him to me!". You paled more "no Mai i’m sorry, I just meant...". "I always had my doubts, i knew you couldn’t be trusted, i knew Azula did this on purpose, I bet she told you to do this didn’t she? You think you have no choice but we all have choices y/n and you made yours". Mai raised her knife and you closed your eyes ready for her to kill you. Seconds passed and nothing happened. You opened your eyes to see Mai staring at you hard, her face unreadable. You could barely breathe, she was deciding what to do with your life. Finally she let go and you collapsed back against the wall gasping. You looked up at Mai shocked and saw her fist just as it came down and punched you straight in the face. You cried out and fell down against the wall as blood trickled down your face. Mai straightenned looking at you with disgust "you can tell Zuko i gave you that, if he thinks i’ll allow him to keep doing this to me with you he’s wrong, tell him we’re done, I think it should come from you" she said with a twitch of her lip "also tell Zuko to make sure I don’t ever see you again, if I do I won’t be so forgiving, you’ve both been warned" she spat before she turned and left. You breathed haggerdly your heart pounding as you pressed your sleeve to your nose. You were terrified of Mai but also couldn’t help feel sorry for her. If Zuko had just trusted her with your secret or found a less provocative cover none of this would’ve happneed. Now you had an assassin ready to kill you the next time she saw you and your only escape was with Azula’s brother. The bleeding stopped and you stood up slowly. You either stayed and got killed or left with Zuko abandoning Azula here. You wiped away the blood and carried on walking. If you were going to be killed by staying here for Azula you’d atleast do what she hired you to do.

It was early in the morning and you moved through the palace taking back routes so nobody would see you. You didn’t want what you were about to do getting back to Zuko. You went to knock on the door to Azula’s room when it suddenly opened. You’d been prepared to see Azula but still after not seeing her for a week you felt your heart speed up in anticipation but it wasn’t Azula behind the door. “Ow” Ty Lee frowned seeing you and you stared at her. Azula never entertained her friends in her own room and especially not at this time in the morning. You got suspicious and jealous as your mind worked overtime to work out why Ty Lee was there in Azula’s room at this time of day but you couldn’t think of a plausible solution. “Can I help you?” Ty Lee asked and you heard Azula ask who she was talking to. Azula appeared beside Ty Lee and stopped midsentence when she saw it was you “ow”. Shaking away your jealousy you remembered why you’d come here "I need to speak to Princess Azula" you spoke clearly and slowly. Ty Lee looked to Azula whose face was a mask. "Well i'd love to chat about laundry or mopping floors but I’m busy" Azula said going to shut the door. "Please" you said forcefully meeting Azula’s eye "it’s important”. Azula’s face changed as she met your eye and you saw her nervously look to Ty Lee as if making sure her friend wasn’t getting suspicious there had been any sort of relationship between you. "Go" Azula told Ty Lee "I’ll just see what this is about?". Ty Lee nodded “Okay” and Azula watched until she was gone and turned to you.

Azula’s POV

"Well I suppose you should come inside" Azula snapped "I won’t do this is the hallway, what were you thinking coming to be so publically?" She scolded you as the door shut behind you. "I had to" you said annoyed "it’s urgent". Azula rolled her eyes "what’s so urgent?". Azula had been expecting an attempt to get back together or confession of how much you’d missed her. Instead it was nothing about her. "I know what Zuko’s planning". Azula paused unsure if she’d heard you correctly "what?". "I know what Zuko’s planning" you repeated. So she hadn’t imagined that, you’d actually said what she'd dreamt of you saying for ages. Well true more recently she dreamt more of you giving a grand apology that justified forgiving you but that wasn’t going to happen. "Well what is it?" Azula asked as silence settled and you frowned at her. Azula was aware she'd been the one to pause but she hadn’t seen you in a while and you seemed annoyingly fine. Sure you hadn’t looked at her when you first spoke but you’d practically demnded to speak with her, even infront of Ty Lee too. You’d grown confident and Azula could even tell now by how you snapped back at her or only just caught your eye rolls, you weren’t afraid of her anymore. That both annoyed and pleased her. Caught up in her thoughts Azula almost missed what you’d said. "Zuko’s escaping?" she repeated "tomorrow?". You nodded your head "during the eclipse, that’s what he’s been planning". Azula noticed you looked guilty and her jealousy rose again "so why tell me and betray your precious Zuko?" Azula asked aware she sounded childish but she didn’t care. You actually did roll your eyes this time "I know you don’t believe I didn’t mean the things I said to Zuko but i didn’t Azula, I did all of this to get you this information and well it seemed pointless to not tell you so here i am". Silence settled and Azula felt miffed, your answer hadn’t been what she expected at all. "Well if that is all you can go" Azula said coldly turning away. You fixed your eyes on her in disbelief and Azula felt a mixture of anger and guilt. How dare you look at her like she was the bad guy here. She had told you to drop this and didn’t owe you anything. But as you turned to leave Azula got a sinking feeling, this felt final...you’d said this was happening in 24 hours, that was so soon. Why had you told her? Azula knew her brother, he wouldn’t leave you behind. No he’d take you with him and yet you still told her. Was it just because of loyalty to her or had you wanted to see her? To prove you were on her side? Azula frowned, if she told her father Zuko would be imprisoned or killed and you would be dragged down with him, especially when she was forced to reveal where she got this information from. Azula was still angry and confused at you but she didn’t want to be the cause of your death. She couldn’t be even if it did mean bringing down her brother...could she?.

Your POV

The talk with Azula hadn't cleared anything up for you it just made you feel guilty for betraying zuko. You been split by your loyalty to both of them but your feelings for Azula won you over and all for nothing. Azula hadn't responded how you'd wanted her to and now Zuko was going to suffer for your lapse in judgement. You decided you were going to tell him, apologise and maybe convince him to leave early while he still could and so has been waiting in his room for him to return all morning. You were unpacking the last of his belongings while you waited when the door suddenly opened. "Zuko we need to talk" you started but stopped dead in your tracks to see Azula stood there. “Azula? what are you doing here?”. "Well i heard Mai’s got a bounty out for your head so figured you'd be hiding out in here". You paused but realised she hadn't really answered your question “That still doesn’t tell me why you’re here”. Azula huffed at your tone but carried on “I don’t have long the war meeting starts soon so just let me talk”. You pouted but nodded for Azula to go on. “This escape plan?” Azula asked “the one taking place tomorrow, my brother has extended the invitation to you hasn’t he?”. You paused and Azula nodded “I knew it”. “He has” you tried to explain “but i...” but Azula wasn’t listening. “I am not bothered about Zuko being here or not” Azula explained “I will do you this one thing y/n, I will not tell my father about Zuko’s plan to give you the chance to escape, but as soon as you are out of here I will have to hunt down my brother". "Azula" you tried to explain but she cut you off "no just listen, i will have to do that y/n whether i want to or not so my advice to you is to escape and get away from him, leave Zuko as soon as you can and head for the colonies, you can get away there and be safe I won't follow you there”. “Azula” you said annoyed but she carried on “of course you'll need to find work and money to survive, you could steal some of Zuko’s possessions to help start you off, or even ask him for them I’m sure he won’t mind and use the money to build a life in the colonies...”. “Azula” you yelled and she stopped looking at you clearly annoyed “what?”. "I’m not going with Zuko" you told her and she frowned.  "Well why not?" She asked exasperatedly and you sighed "I’m not leaving with zuko, I can’t, not after all I’ve done to him” you sighed and saw Azula roll her eyes. “And I know you think that's stupid” you said noticing her expression “but Zuko isn’t as bad as I thought he’d be and don’t take that personally Azula just because I don't hate Zuko doesn’t mean I dislike you”. Azula pouted and you shook your head ”I feel gulity for what I did to him but that’s not the main reason I’m not leaving” You told Azula “I’ve lied and manipulated Zuko and yes i feel bad for doing it but I did all that for you  because you needed me to do it and well I’d pretty much do anything for you". Azula paused taken back and unsure how to respond just blurted "so why does that mean you can't leave?". You smirked slightly at Azula's blunt response and smiled "because if I leave I‘ll be leaving you here alone, and i know you don’t trust me or even like me but I don’t want to do that Azula, I won’t leave you here alone, I promised you I’d be here for you Azula and so there’s no way I’m leaving you, I won’t, not even if you command me to". 

Azula’s POV

Azula was taken back by your confession and all the emotions it made her feel. She felt scared, vulnerable, angry at you for not saying it sooner, suspicious, confused why you still felt this for her but mainly she felt hopeful. What you said made her excited, it made her feel warm and happy, something she hadn’t felt since she'd parted from you. She felt safe. Azula stared at you softly and you paused "so yeah...you don’t have to reply but i just wanted you to know that". You looked down and turned away “you should go, the meeting will have started now”. Azula reacted too slowly and when she went to call your name tell you not to leave you’d already gone. Azula moved to follow you but the door behind her opened and her father appeared "Azula?" Ozai asked "what are you doing in here? Are you ready for the meeting?". She nodded although her eyes kept flickering to the door you'd just walk out of and she itched to follow you. "Azula!" her father snapped and reluctantly Azula followed him.  

All through the meeting Azula couldn’t concentrate, all she could think about was what you said and how much that meant to her. And more importantly how she couldn't let anything happen to you. As soon as the meeting was over Azula grabbed zuko "i need to talk to you". He glared at her pulling his arm away and it took everything in her body not to just yank his arm and force him to speak to her. "please" she said through gritted teeth and Zuko raised his eyebrows but followed her out of pure shock. As soon as he shut the door Azula started to talk. "You have to take y/n with you" Azula told Zuko and he paused eyes wide "what?"."When you leave tomorrow" she explained. "How do you..." zuko started but Azula cut him off "it doesn't matter, what matters is I know y/n doesn’t want to go but you have to make her! By any means possible". Zuko glared "I’m not forcing her to do anything Azula". Azula sighed angrily he didn't understand. "Zuko if you disappear and she stays do you have any idea what will happen to her? Can your small brain even comprehend what father will do to get information out of her?". "I know that" Zuko snapped and Azula glared "so what's the problem?" She snapped back "she doesn't leave with you then she gets hurt! Or worse! You think your life is worth more than hers! That you can run away and be happy knowing you did that to her?". "No..." zuko frowned and Azula nodded "then make her leave with you! Get her out of the palace and away from here, you have to! Scare her, pay her, guilt her! I don't care what it is just save her!". Zuko stared at Azula shocked to see his sister so desperate. In all his life he'd never seen her so scared, so worried about someone who wasn't herself. "You care about her?" Zuko said shocked "like really care for her". Azula rolled her eyes annoyed it had taken her family this long to notice "just do as i say Zuko, if she get's hurt because of you i'll...". "Got it" Zuko nodded "I'll try and get her to safety Azula I promise". Azula nodded her head suprised she was once pleased with Zuko and grateful for him. "Good" she nodded "i guess it's a good thing I didn't kill you when we were kids". Zuko frowned "thanks?". "You're welcome" Azula nodded before walking away.

Your POV

Zuko knew you wanted to speak to him by the way you kept fiddling with the sleeve of your uniform. Zuko had grown suspicious of you since his meeting with Azula and figured he’d just start the ball rolling. "You told Azula about our escape plan didn't you?" Zuko asked and you froze. Guilt overcame you and you spun around "Zuko I’m so sorry". Zuko nodded his head in recognition but wouldn’t look at you "I suppose it’s okay, she's not going to stop us so it hasn’t changed anything...".  "I know but i feel so bad, I could’ve got you caught or worse by telling her, i don’t know what I was expecting to happen when I told her...I don’t know what I wanted from it" you sighed but zuko frowned. "I think i know why you did it, i think Azula does too...I never realised you were...you're close aren’t you?". You sighed but nodded "I mean I thought we were but I’m not so sure anymore". "That’s why you don't want to leave isn’t it?" Zuko asked "you don’t want to leave her". You were terrified to admit it but also it felt so good just to confess your feelings. "Yes, I can't leave her Zuko, i know you don’t like her but she's not like you think she is...I can't leave her behind to deal with this this all alone". Zuko frowned "well she actually asked me to get you out of here". "She asked you that?" You said suprised Azula went to Zuko for help of all people! Zuko nodded "I’ve never seen her care for anyone before but she was certain I had to get you to leave with me, I think she’s scared of what will happen to you once im gone and I am too y/n". You were grateful and touched Azula and Zuko both cared about you so much but it didn't change your mind. "I can't Zuko" you sighed firmly "I guess Azula won’t be happy but I haven’t changed my decision I can’t leave her behind I...I just can’t". Zuko nodded "I understand, well I don’t but I won’t force you". You smiled sadly "thank you for helping me though I never thought i’d grow to count you as a friend but I did, I just hope i haven’t ruined everything". Zuko shook his head "I don’t like what you did but i get it...you did it for Azula because of how much you like her". You blushed but nodded "still it doesn’t excuse what i did and I’m sorry". Zuko smiled softly and placed a hand on your arm "you're forgiven y/n". 

The escape had gone fairly smoothly. You wanted to see Zuko off so waited by the airships for him when sure enough he appeared out of breath and shaken but he looked fine. “It went okay with your father?” you asked noticing the smell of burning on him. “As well as I expected” Zuko nodded as you passsed him his supplies and the keys to the airship. Zuko took them from you and paused “You still won’t come with me?” Zuko asked and you shook your head smiling sadly  “no”. “You know what they’ll do to you?” Zuko warned you “are you sure you’re willing to accept that?”. You nodded your head “just hurry up and overthrow your father”. Zuko smiled but it was a sad smile and he sighed “y/n...”. “Go” you said hearing the sounds of someone approaching “now!”. Zuko nodded and turned to the airship when Azula appeared. “Honestly I ask one thing of you and you even fail at that” Azula snapped. Zuko looked just as suprised as you that Azula was here. “Azula why are you here?” Zuko asked as if unsure if she was here to help or stop him from leaving. “I came to make sure you got y/n to go with you but as usual you failed”. I won’t force her” Zuko glared “unlike you I don’t just ignore what my friends want”. Azula rolled her eyes “this isn’t a difference in opinion Zuko this is her life you’re letting her throw away” Azula snapped and you stepped inbetween them. “Azula stop, you can’t blame Zuko for this it’s my decision”. Azula finally looked at you and her expression confused you because she genuinely looked scared, something you’d never seen on her face before. “But it’s a stupid decision, do you know what my father will do to you? What I wont be able to stop?”. “I know” you nodded and Azula groaned “so go!” she yelled “run now! disappear! I won’t blame you y/n you have my blessing to do this”. “Sweet as that is I don’t care” you replied. Azula glared at you “you’re going even if I have to put you on the ship myself!”. Zuko watched amazed as you stepped towards Azula and she didn’t back away or push you back. "I told you i’m not leaving" you told her "there no way you’ll get me on that ship atleast not without you". Azula shook her head, you couldn't be serious. "Y/n you have to leave because you’re in danger i’m not" she told you “please go”. Azula stared at you willing you to say yes but you couldn’t. You gently touched her arm and lowered you tone “Azula you know that’s not true, you’re not safe here none of you are”. "You don’t know what youre talking about" Azula glared and you frowned feeling her tense. “Azula your father burned Zuko for speaking out of turn as a child! He’s neglected you emotionally since you were an infant! He sent you out alone across the world to capture the avatar and pitted you and Zuko against one another just because he could! He uses you because you’re valuable not because he values you, you are in danger here Azula just like me and that’s why I’m not going anywhere unless you’re with me". “That’s ridiculous” Azula muttered “my father would never harm me...Zuko was wrong to do what he did...I won’t make a mistake like that ever”. You smiled sadly “you don’t know that Azula and if you do how would your father react?”. Azula flinched away from you and turned so her back was to you “no I can’t”. Azula walked away from you and stood cradling her arms, the sight almost broke you but you had to do this, you were so close.  “Azula” you said softly and she shook her head “stop it y/n”. “Azula please come with me”. She didn’t reply so you walked closer "Even if you think you’re safe here you’re not happy here Azula" you told her "i know you’re not, and that’s not fair Azula”. Azula looked at you and you could see there were tears in her eyes. “I know you’re scared and so am I” you nodded “this life is all we know but it isn’t all thats out there Azula, there’s more for you...for both of us besides this” you said gesturing to the palace “you deserve better than this Azula, you deserve to be happy and loved and appreciated and if we leave we can find all that, we can have all that! All you need to do is come with me" you said standing inches away from here. “Please Azula come with me” you begged hand outstreteched. The silence stretched out and the tension was thick in the air. You held your breath waiting for Azula’s reply, not even contemplating what it would mean if she said no. You lowered your eyes figuring Azula didn’t want to come with you when she moved so quickly it made you jump. Azula grabbed your hand and nodded softly her eyes fixed on you “Let’s go”. 

Epilogue 

You, Azula and Zuko fled the firenation and helped Zuko find the avatar as he planned. From there though you seperated from Zuko. Azula was still torn by her decision to abandon the life she’s knew and joining the rebels didn’t help her process that decision so together you left. You followed Azula’s plan of traveling to the fire nation colonies. It was a rough journey but together you avoided detection and made it to a quiet village where you could lay low. The news from the war was continuous and not easy for Azula to hear. She was struggling to come to terms with what she had done, she’d always planned every inch of her life but now she was without a plan, without a role, without a clear path. Azula considered going back numerous times, not because she missed her father or felt guilty for what she’d done but because she couldn’t see how she could just be Azula and not the firenation princess or a prodogy bender. But each time the thought of leaving you stopped her and you helped her adjust the best you could, reassuring her it was going to be okay and it would all work out. Once the war was won you didn’t have to hide away and Zuko helped you aquire the help Azula needed. Azula started trying to work on herself and you helped her unpack all her unconscious beliefs and traumas. It was hard work and there were many arguments and bad days but you were there for every breakdown, every outburst, every insecurity and you worked through them together. You never wanted Azula to feel alone ever again.  As the months passed azula adjusted more to the idea of just being herself, not a weapon, not a firebending prodogy, not an opponent to her brother, just Azula. And you helped her see being just Azula was good enough, brilliant actually.

10 years later

You sat down in your garden on the bench you'd made a few years ago and smiled. The summer was coming to an end and while it was still warm it was a more relaxed heat you could happily enjoy. You closed your eyes feeling the sun on your face and enjoyed the smells of your garden when you felt someone sit next to you. Azula eased into the bench beside you and rested her arm around the back of your chair as she always did. You smiled placing your hand on her knee out of habit and looked at her. "We've been living here for 10 years now but the view still gets me on days like this" Azula smiled "it’s beautiful". You nodded just watching Azula and admired how content she looked. Azula was still the same strong willed confident woman but she was different now. She was no longer terrified of not being good enough, no longer chasing approval or using manipulation and anger as her weapons. Azula felt your gaze and looked over at you "what?". "Nothing" you smiled lowering your eyes. You both knew you'd been caught admiring her. Azula smirked and rested her head against yours "moments like this feel perfect" Azula smiled "and they only happened because of you". You shook your head "not just me, you chose to come with me, you made that leap not me". "Well yes but I did it for you mostly" Azula shrugged "so it was...inspired by you?" Azula asked and you smiled. "Fine I’ll accept that" you rolled your eyes making Azula grin. "Thank you" Azula said softly watching the turtle ducks in your pond "I don't think I say it enough". "You don't need to thank me" you smiled "I did it for you and being here seeing you be happy and grow as a person...that’s all the thanks I need". Azula blushed, something you still found adorable after all this time, and smiled "well still thank you, you saved me and made me the person i am i'll never forget that...ever" she told you holding your face. You blushed too and Azula smirked. She leant in to kiss you when your gate screeched and you heard a small voice. "Aunt azula! Aunt y/n were here!" Izumi yelled and Azula grinned. "About time!" Azula called "did you dad get lost again?" she asked scooping Izumi up into her arms making her laugh. "Yeah" Izumi giggled "mom’s angry he wouldn’t ask for directions just because he’s the firelord". You chuckled and waved to Zuko and Mai who were in sight at the bottom of the path. "Did you miss me?" Izumi asked and you smiled resting an arm on Azula's back "of course we did" you grinned "our favourite niece". "I'm your only niece" Izumi smirked jumping from Azula to you and you laughed "true but you're still our favourite" and tickled her. Izumi laughed and Azula smiled at the two of you. Izumi ran off to her parents and Azula followed. You stood watching your family and smiled as Azula and Zuko greeted each other warmly and Azula hugged mai like the old friend she was. The sun caught Azula’s face as she laughed at a joke Mai made and her eyes glowed as they had years ago when you'd first started dating. You smiled just seeing her smile and felt the familiar warm happy feeling in your chest. You were both safe, happy and together, still in love after all these years and you couldn’t picture it any other way, your life with Azula was perfect.

-----

So that’s it!!! Sorry it was suppppper long I just had so much to write about Azula! I know the ending might be a bit optimistic or idealistic for Azula but I want Azula to be happy and loved so don’t really care. Plus with help support and therapy I think Azula could totally live a healthy happy life and overcome all her past trauma so wrote that. Thanks for all the likes and support!! I’ve really enjoyed this series and it’s been great to see so many Azula fans are out there. Thanks again!! 

[frogtanii]

i think tumblr ate the ask i sent yesterday ➖👄➖ is this what pain feels like? (its 🔮 btw HAHAHAHA)

first of all, listen bestie, i know i tell you to get enough sleep, 8 hours and all that, AND I WAS GONNA GO TO BED I SWEAR but then i was brainstorming ideas and shi, and it was 2am where im at before i realized it, and i cackled evily when i saw that you posted the new pf chapter.

i n h a l e s

this is gonna be all over the place, this is your fair warning HAHAHAHAHA.

(#savethecamels2021😔👊)

osamu, that isnt a happy, committed relationship hun- YEAH SO WHAT IF Y/N HAS A HAREM, AT LEAST THEYRE HAPPY AND COMMITTED!

i was really feeling the chapter but then i started giggling at the 'meiko rubbing off her makeup on osamu's black shirt in an attempt to comfort him' lanzjsnsj HAHAHAHAHA.

but do i feel bad for him? yes, i do, but did he deserve that one? yes he did.

im not exactly sure why he'd blame y/n for the breach in his and atsumu's relationship? i mean, osamu is pretty nasty to y/n in front of the other members, and atsumu is a witness to how much of an asshole his brother can be towards her, so maybe his shitty attitude is the reason his brother doesnt like him?? didnt he ever consider that?? i dont recall y/n ever talking shit about the other members (except meiko, she deserves it) behind their back-

next point, FROGGY PUT SUNA AWAY IM NOT READY TO START DISLIKING HIM FOR THE MERE FACT THAT HE ASSOCIATES HIMSELF WITH MEIKO.

(i went, "oh, there's daichi" while reading aknxjsn)

also, i get that osamu got mad, but thats not really a reason to corner someone like that. i suppose, yes he regrets it, but that doesnt change the fact that y/n was actually, genuinely scared of him and what he could have done to hurt her in a place she could have, and should have considered a home. same goes for what the other guys did, and theyre making up for it.

"....i don’t know what’s happening and i don’t know what to tell you to make you leave me alone,” made me tear up a little, the girl seemed really scared. it sucks to think that people actually go through that in real life.

(its hella shitty to feel scared in a place youre supposed to feel safe in 🥺)

i love the character and the way you wrote and portrayed him, but good riddance, he should be ashamed. he didnt have a justifiable reason to do that to y/n.

also i want atsumu hugs 🥺 like the touch starved lunatic

NEXT POINT, that one anon is right though, and idk if i should be thanking your other anons or what, because they make me question everthing i know in pf- but WHAT IF SOMEONE HAD AN STD AND SHE ACTED AS A CARRIER AND PASSED IT ON TO EVERYONE?

#saveyachi2021, it hasnt been a full week yet has it? HAHAHAHAHAH

im gonna stop here and actually go to bed, and i dont have any headcanons at the moment, but i do have gossip about myself, lowkey a cry for help 😙✌️

i recently tried reaching out to this guy i had a crush on 2 years ago, and im classmates with him now. i have 2 friends who are friends with him and they were the ones who convinced me to chat him. obvi, its not a consistent chatting thing, its been about 2 days. BUT MY FRIENDS HAVE CONVINCED ME THAT HES LOWKEY HUSBAND MATERIAL OKAY?? I COULDNT RESIST, LIKE HE WANTS A ONE AND DONE RELATIONSHIP LASTING ALL THE WAY TO MARRIAGE OR WHATEVER attachment/commitment/abandonment issues are very confused, BUT THATS NOT THE POINT. do i want something to happen? yes, but im scared of my feelings 🤡

and they say hes nice, and hardworking, and that he and i would be a good couple but idk skndjsndjj 😭

AND BACK TO YOU

i hope you had enough sleep! 🤨📷

and a filling meal! its good for your body 🤨📷

and some water! stay hydrated! 🤨📷 HEALTH SHOULD ALSO BE YOUR PASSION!

remember that we love yoy froggy! and im glad you decided to take weekend breaks! rest is good for the soul, mind and body 😌

much baddie energy and good vibes! 💘

HEY BADDIE KEJEK because my brain is Not Working, i can barely respond to like 90% of what u sent but!!! i read it all n i LOVE U <3333 also ooo a mans :000 i hope that goes well for u!!!! n if it doesn’t i’ll beat him up for not taking u as a catch wink wonk ;))) sending the baddie vibes right back at u <333

[amethyst-halo]

i remembered a whole one-sided conversation i had w some friends when i explained tbc to them and now im passionate again

this looks like a shadowsight post more than a puddleshine post WHOOPS

SO LIKE. ive been thinking about puddleshine and shadowsight in darkness within since the book came out and god. okay

i think that puddleshine having doubts about shadowsight makes sense. puddleshine thinks a lot. thats part of his character theres like a whole paragraph in lost stars where shadowpaw notices puddleshine is very in his own thoughts on their way home from the moonpool so puddleshine having doubts about shadowsight’s visions and him by extension makes sense to me

it also makes sense to me that puddleshine sees mothwing walk in and just steps aside. he’s got very very little training and she’s very much senior to him and he’s pretty passive so not standing up to her taking over the den and moving things around like shadowsight complains about makes sense

but GOD that doesn’t stop me from feeling so frustrated abt how puddleshine just. stops talking to shadowsight. to me it kinda felt like mothwing came in and puddleshine had his doubts and mothwing somehow added to them??? maybe not intentionally but that’s sort of what it read like to me? puddleshine was iffy about shadowsight’s visions already and he’d voiced as much at least once but he was still talking to him and he was still supporting him?? he was iffy and doubtful but he was still like “yeah he’s my friend though”

puddleshine only seems to step back and start full-on avoiding shadowsight when mothwing shows up. and i don’t know if that’s intentional but it really feels like mothwing caused it bc of that fact? idk

it Does Not Help that:

1. puddleshine’s known about shadowsight’s visions for most of shadowsight’s life so he should ALSO know that shadowsight’s been told REPEATEDLY that the visions are from starclan and therefore important and that he should SHARE THEM??? why are cats mad at him for sharing things that line up with the visions they wanted him to share???????

2. someone in shadowclan HAS to have noticed that every time shadowsight stands up for himself against mothwing or ashfur or anyone else he gets PUNISHED??? he stood up to mothwing and got fuckin Demoted and then when he stood up to ashfur he was essentially isolated??? im still so mad that shadowsight was fucking PUNISHED for standing up for himself against unfair treatment. the idea that he didn’t have enough training like mothwing reasoned for his demotion makes a little sense but not enough to justify it i think; u could argue that maybe he Does because he was trained by puddleshine who has very little training BUT LIKE. THEN IF THAT WAS THE CASE WOULDNT SHE  WANT TO TRAIN PUDDLESHINE TOO??? NO she doesn’t so it feels like her getting back at shadowsight for arguing with her about marigold and oak leaves and i kind of hate that regardless of his passiveness puddleshine just said “okay sure” like. maybe he defended him behind the scenes but we don’t see that so we don’t know that and in the end puddleshine agrees to it because mothwing pushes for it

i want. so so bad. for puddleshine to stop acting like this in tpons i want him to fucking TALK to shadowsight like AAAGH

i’d love to see a scene where puddleshine looks at the treatment this cat he’s trained for moons and interacted with daily for moons and this cat he should know well enough to know he doesn’t mean any harm and say “hey maybe this isn’t cool” OR a scene where shadowsight tries to stand up for himself and puddleshine stands up with him??? maybe tell mothwing this really isn’t how things work in shadowclan’s med den because she might be senior to him but it’s still kinda His den?? i also want shadowsight’s sisters to say something because their dad is ADDING TO THE FUCKIN PROBLEM but with how little the erins are letting them do it’s more likely that puddleshine would

tl;dr i dont like how puddleshine is avoiding shadowsight bc of his visions after encouraging said visions and i think he should say something

[cryptidshuffle]

the less we say about it the better - chp 1

ao3

Rating: Teen Fandom: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware Relationships: Tommy Coolatta & Gordon Freeman, Tommy Coolatta/Gordon Freeman (pre relationship) Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Temporary Character Death(its benrey dont worry hes ok), meta about deaths and respawns, arguing about the rules of uno, gay pining, Mutual Pining, fellas is it gay to comfort ur friend who u love and are both boys?, also fair warning it'll eventually be a poly ship with benrey, Autistic Character, Autistic Tommy, ADHD Gordon, everyone is gay and trans, Other Additional Tags to Be Added

Summary: “after everything we’ve been through we deserve a few mental break downs.” they are trying to recover after black mesa, but recovery is hard. especially when one of you is still dead

---------------

They had been out of Black Mesa for a few weeks now. It was difficult trying to acclimate to life after the incident, but they were all making it work.

The science team had gotten together for some sort of game night, something cathartic about being around others who share the same trauma. Anyways, snacks and Uno was just as chaotic as one would imagine with this group of chucklefucks, with competitive tensions high on the last round of the night.

“You can’t stack the draw 4 cards, Gordon,” Bubby argued, smacking Gordon’s hand just as he placed the card.

“Says who?”

“It’s literally against the fucking rules of the game,” Bubby said back.

Tommy agreed with, “It is in the official rules, Mr. Freeman, they- Mattel confirmed it on Twitter.”

“But that’s dumb!” Gordon argued back, “I’ve always played where you can stack those, why change that now?"

Bubby retorted, “Well maybe you’ve always been playing wrong, huh? Ever thought about that, smartass?”

Dr. Coomer chimed in with, “Well on the official page for Uno (card game) on Wikipedia, the free online encyclopedia that anyone can edit, it states that

The following official house rules are suggested in the Uno rulebook, to alter the game:

Progressive Uno: If a draw card is played, and the following player has the same card, they can play that card and "stack" the penalty, which adds to the current penalty and passes it to the following player.[4](Although a +4 cannot be stacked on a +2, or vice versa.)[6] This house rule is so commonly used that there was widespread Twitter surprise in 2019 when Mattel stated that stacking was not part of the standard rules of Uno.[6]”

“Well, there you have it,” Gordon exclaims, interrupting Coomer’s Wikipedia infodump, “Just because it’s a house rule doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate way of playing."

“What if I don’t want to play with that rule, that’s fuckin stupid,” Bubby grumbles.

“Jesus ok, I'll play a different card, happy?” Gordon says dejectedly, taking back his controversial draw 4 card for a more innocuous one. “It’s your turn anyways.”

Bubby throws down his last card onto the pile. “I win fuckers!!!! Ahahahahaha!"

“You wouldn’t have won if you let me stack the fucking cards,” Gordon said as he threw his losing card pile onto the coffee table.

“Don’t fret Gordon! Bubby is just extremely good at card games,” Dr. Coomer replied.

“You're forgetting I’m a goddamn genius, that extends to my sick-ass Uno skills,” Bubby bragged.

Gordon chuckled, watching the two older scientists get up to leave, and watching Tommy remain, quietly cleaning up the uno deck into neat piles to place in its box.

“Well gentlemen, it’s been fun, though I think it’s time Bubby and I better get going!” Dr. Coomer said.

“No problem, don’t want you two to be late for your old man early-bird breakfast at Golden Corral tomorrow!” Gordon teased.

“Shut the fuck- I’ll kick your ass,” said Bubby.

“Hello Gord- Actually our old man breakfast is not until Saturday! It’s the one day a week I let loose and unhinge my jaws at the buffet like a Burmese Python!” said Dr. Coomer as Bubby grabs his coat and keys.

“That sounds absolutely horrifying,” Gordon laughs.

“It really is,” says Bubby. “Well, see you later asshole,” Bubby says, herding himself and Coomer out the front door.

“See you guys later,” Gordon says.

“Goodbye, Gordon! Goodbye, Tommy,” Coomer also says, before they leave Gordon’s apartment.

Tommy had yet to get up to leave, he stayed sitting in his seat staring into space, and fiddling with the Uno card deck.

“Hey Tommy, you alright man?” he asked gently. At the mention of his name, he was shaken a bit out of his stupor.

“Y-yeah I'm fine Mr. Freeman, why do you ask?”

“I mean you were kinda just staring into space for a bit, and you didn’t say anything when Bubby and Coomer left.”

“Oh shit. Sorry about that, I’ll get out of your hair,” Tommy said, starting to move to leave.

Gordon placed a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “Hey, if something’s bothering you, just know I’m here if you wanna talk about it,” Gordon comforted.

Tommy blushed slightly at the contact and nodded.

“Thank you. I-uh… I’ve just been thinking about things that happened back in Black Mesa and, you know,” he pauses to think for a bit, and sighs, “honestly I’ve been thinking a lot about Benrey.”

Just at the mention of him, Gordon felt his stomach drop with the weight of too many emotions.

“Yeah...I uh… I understand,” he responds with a sad sigh, “anything in particular you’re thinking about him?”

“I don’t know just kind of- Earlier I started thinking about how much he would enjoy game night. And then I started to miss him and realize that- that he’s not here. I feel guilty about killing him and upset at what he did. He was still my friend and I just- I want to know why he did what he did. I just want to understand,” Tommy said.

Gordon looked away as he thought about his own emotions regarding Benrey. He was undeniably angry with him, for getting him ambushed by the bootboys, for getting his arm cut off, frustrated with the constant taunting. Yet… he also felt guilty for some reason and he couldn’t quite place why. Gordon really didn’t want to feel guilty.

“Yeah…” Gordon sighed, “I'll be honest I do feel guilty about it too. I don’t know why because I feel like it should be justified since he did try to kill us. But there were times when him pestering me about my arm felt like… like sincere questioning? I still… I don’t know.”

“Yeah… I think-” Tommy cut himself off, staring at a fixed point in his vision, trying to decide whether or not to bring this up.

“I don’t think Benrey understood how human mortality worked.”

Well, that wasn’t what Gordon expected. “What do you mean?”

“Well, he was from Xen, Mr. Freeman, he wasn’t human. It was different for him. You remember he did die several times, but he came back eventually. He had to wait for his form to regenerate.”

“Wait-” this time Gordon cut Tommy off, “Oh shit, that wasn’t a joke?  For some reason I just assumed his talking about respawns and shit was part of his Epic Gamer bit?”

“I mean it was a little but I think… there’s probably a reason Benrey attached himself to video games so much, yeah? He can see himself in the structure. Like, uh- something he can relate to.” Tommy says. “It doesn’t excuse what- what he did, but I feel like knowing why things happened makes- makes them more understandable.”

Gordon leaned back on the couch blown away by the revelation. In hindsight it wasn’t that surprising but it took him a few seconds to come to terms with the reality.

“Yeah, when you put it that way, I guess it does make a lot of sense. Wait though, I swear to god all of you have died at least once, but you guys aren’t from Xen?” Gordon said, now confused about the seeming metanarrative of the mortality of his friends.

“Yeah, but those were weird Black Mesa things, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said, not elaborating any more than that.

Gordon waited a beat for Tommy to explain more but he said all he needed to.

“I will ask you more about that later, but I do not have the energy to unpack all that right now,” Gordon said with a gentle laugh.

“Wait, getting back on topic real quick, why couldn’t Benrey just... respawn now? Did we really get him that good?”

Tommy looked incredibly sad when Gordon said this, and he regretted it immediately.  ‘Damn it Gordon, Tommy’s clearly upset about Benrey, you don’t gotta be an insensitive dick.’

“Well Mr. Freeman, that’s kinda why I’ve been thinking about him,” Tommy said, “I’m not sure. It shouldn’t have taken him this long to respawn. Depending on the amount of damage it takes longer but… It’s been a while and what if- What if he is back but he is mad at all of us and that’s why we haven’t seen him? Or what if it is taking a really long time because we hurt him a whole lot. Or what if we…”

Tommy got quiet for a few seconds, the silence in the room was deafening. For an instance Gordon felt as if making a sound would shatter the air like glass.

Tommy finally said with a whisper, voice thick with choking back tears, “What if we killed him for good? And I don’t- I never see him again?”

It honestly broke Gordon’s heart how distraught Tommy was. Pushing his own complicated Benrey feelings aside, he was gonna focus on Tommy here and now.

“…Tommy, is it ok if I hug you, man?” Gordon couldn’t think of the best way to comfort the other man with words, but physical comfort he could do.

Tommy looked a little surprised at this ask but nodded. Gordon leaned in to hug the other scientist and Tommy collapsed in his embrace, completely breaking down.

Gordon just sat there and held him as Tommy sobbed into his shoulder, trying to comfort the crying man by rubbing circles into his back.

Gordon’s brain processed the things Tommy had said. Was Benrey really gone? Why did he feel guilty about the idea of having killed Benrey, he was fine with the concept during the final boss fight on Xen but now… the thought made him feel… sad? Regretful? Even his seemingly rational justifications didn’t seem as clear at the moment, only thinking of his fonder memories with Benrey.

‘Fuck this,’ he thought as he felt his own tears well up, ‘this isn’t about me, I need to focus on being there for Tommy,’ pushing his own feelings to the back of his mind to be dealt with later.

Tommy eventually calmed down enough where his sobs turned into sniffles, and he started to pull away from the hug.

“S – sorry for having a – a breakdown on your- on your couch Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said, the post-crying mental fog making his stuttering more noticeable. Tommy didn’t really have the effort in him to care.

“Don’t worry about it, man, after everything we’ve been through we deserve a few mental breakdowns,” Gordon joked trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh, that was nothing, Mr. Freeman, in terms of mental breakdowns that was as mild as a first-grade pizza party in the eye of a hurricane,” Tommy compared in a way that made little sense to Gordon, yet ridiculous enough to cause the man to burst out laughing.

“Alright I’ll take your word for it,” Gordon said, still laughing.

“I’m serious Mr. Freeman, once you have a meltdown so intense that you accidentally teleport yourself to an inter-dimensional void, the rest is a cake walk at the school fair,” Tommy said.

“Waitwaitwait- teleport?” he leaned back to look at him in surprise, “Since when could you fuckin teleport!” Gordon asked caught off guard.

“You know, learned some things from my Dad,” Tommy said, again failing to further explain himself.

“…Well alright. Yeah that tracks.”

Gordon was quiet for a moment before responding with, “You know, Tommy, I want you to know I’m here for you if you need anyone to talk to. You were there for me when I was at my lowest in Black Mesa, and I wanna be that friend to you if you need it,” he said giving the other scientists hand a comforting squeeze.

Tommy smiled, “Thank you, that means a lot Mr. Freeman.”

“You know you can call me Gordon, you don’t have to be so formal all the time Dr. Coolatta,” he teased.

Tommy blushed, ‘dammit why did he have to be so cute?’

“Wow Mr. Fr – Gordon are you really gonna make fun of my doctorate that I worked very hard for,” Tommy teased back, still a bit sniffly from crying.

“Dude, I cannot imagine you in college for some reason, what was your doctorate even in” asked Gordon, semi-jokingly, but still a bit serious.

Tommy laughed a bit, wiping the remaining tears away with the back of his hand. “Bio-chemical engineering. Creating Sunkist was for my thesis project.” Normally Tommy would be more then willing to infodump about the topic but he found his energy to be draining fast.

“What the fuck, that’s cooler than mine was. Us nerds in the Theoretical Physics department didn’t do any crazy shit like that,” Gordon said.

“Bold of you to assume I was a nerd, G-Gordon. I was the craziest guy in the frat house,” Tommy said.

Gordon’s memory vaguely recalls Tommy’s insistence that he “do something crazy” when drinking Darnold’s Potion of Grow Gun Arm.

“You know what, yeah, surprisingly I can see that image vividly in my head,” Gordon said. “Real talk though…” he said changing the subject and putting his hand on Tommy’s shoulder, “Are you- uh, ok? Like feeling better?”

Tommy was quiet for a second, eyes flickering down to look at his fidgeting hands in his lap, before replying with, “I’m ok. N-not great, I don’t think, but I will be.”

Gordon nodded. “Tommy, if there’s one nugget of wisdom that I have to share, it’s that healing takes time, things usually turn out to be ok in the end. No matter what’s going on with Benrey…it'll be alright, I’m sure.” Gordon patted his shoulder for emphasis, “not the best advice out there but it’s the best I can come up with straight off the dome. And I don’t wanna seem like I didn’t try to help you out."

Tommy laughed gently, “Thank you Mr. Fr- uh, thank you Gordon. You did help. Even if- if your advice was a bit cheesy.”

“Whatever man, you can’t blame me for trying,” Gordon laughed, playfully shoving Tommy where his hand had previously rested on the other man’s shoulder. Tommy laughed in return. He only noticed the warmth of Gordon’s touch once it was gone.

Tommy absentmindedly noticed the time on the wall clock in Gordon’s apartment. Jesus, 11:30? When did it get so late? The older scientist really hoped he wasn’t overstaying his welcome; While he would love to just stay here and joke around, he had already bothered Mr. Freeman enough and was already exhausted.

“I- I’m probably gonna head back home now, I didn’t realize how late it was,” Tommy said, standing up from his spot next to Gordon.

Gordon nodded. He had the passing thought of offering for Tommy to stay but… maybe that was a step too far. ‘Tommy probably wants his space,’ Gordon rationalized to himself.

He nodded, “Alright, don’t let me keep you,” he said, getting up as well to help Tommy gather his belongings. Which, to be honest Tommy didn’t bring much but some snacks for the group, but Gordon just needed an excuse to do anything.

Gordon walked Tommy to the front door of his apartment, like the good host he was, opening the door for him.

“Thanks for coming over Tommy,” he said.

Tommy nodded. “Thank- thank you again for letting me talk about Benrey, I know it was kinda rough there at the end, but if you ever need to talk about anything… I'm here for you as well.”

Gordon smiled, “Thank you Tommy, I'll keep that in mind.”

Tommy smiled in return, “Have a good night G-Gordon,” he said turning to head to his car.

“Goodnight Tommy.” Gordon turns to head back inside, but before he does, he can’t resist one more jab.

“Thought you could teleport?” he calls out teasingly.

Tommy flips him off, which causes Gordon to laugh harder. “Gives me a headache,” Tommy called back, trying and failing keep a straight face.

Gordon laughs as he waves a final goodbye, turning back inside and closing the door after Tommy waves as well. His thoughts race as he gets ready for bed, trying to ignore his fluttering heartbeat as he lays down for the night.

Tommy shuffles his thoughts in his head as he drives home. The emotional rollercoaster of his already draining social interaction meter from the science team, his Benrey guilt, and his small crush on Gordon was just too much for one day. His hands clench and unclench the steering wheel, looking forward to collapsing in bed for the night, hoping his dad won’t notice he'd been crying.

Somewhere, in an interdimensional void far away from this reality, someone begins to shift awake.

[theworldsoul]

Sorry guys, I'm gonna vent Again, so if you don't want to read it just feel free to skip this post

Okay so basically we have a Gecko. Don't ask, that's another story for another time. My dad has grown fond of it, and I used to think he was cool until a specific day. On that say I fed him worms with a tweezer. When I picked them up, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL THEIR PAIN. I dont really know what happened there, but I physically felt their pain and i squeezed them. My dad said, "squeeze harder, do it by the head", and i tried it and i felt a jolt of pain... I told myself "you are just imagining the pain, its okay" but then when I looked back at the worm, squirming and struggling... I connected some dots in my brain and this hard realization came upon me, that I was causing this poor creature pain. I began to cry and my dad had to feed the gecko that day. Ever since then I havent interacted with the gecko because every time I do it freaks me out a bit. I dont really understand what happened that time but I want to forget about it before I go near the gecko again. I've been trying to get closer to him but I always freak out.

So today I was on my computer, right? Drinking a tea. Trying to feel peaceful. Then all of a sudden my dad is there, all happy with the gecko, and I go "oh hi!!!" Because I am under the impression that the gecko will stay ON HIS HAND. Of course I'm wrong. My dad encourages him to go onto the table to see me. I EXPECT the gecko to walk onto the table and towards me, but TO MY SURPRSISE, the gecko basically jumpscares me by suddenly jumping from his hand onto and nearby watterbottle. I jump a bit, startled, and I spill tea all over my computer, the table, and my sleeve. As I'm processing what happened I'm overtaken by fear and I begin to cry.

Of course I'm fine and I'm just overreacting, but I was scared. I wasnt hurt, my computer mousepad barely works now but I wasnt hurt. So why was I so scared of a little gecko? I dont know. So I'm crying and trying to clean up the mess of tea everywhere and my dad is mad at me for spilling my tea and he asks why I did that and I tell him that I was scared since it jumped so suddenly, yknow I wasnt expecting it. I dont remeber his exact words but it was soemthing about me being 15, like "oh well since you're 15 now you should grow the fuck up" basically. Then he left. Like???? I am literally trying to get my breathing back to a normal pace because I'm SCARED, I was just JUMPSCARED, and you get MAD AT ME??? YOUR CHILD IS FUCKING SCARED AND YOU JUST LEAVE THEM?? the whole time I was cleaning I could hear him in the other room talking to the gecko, all carefree and happy... while I did my best not to cry. Damn okay. It almost made me feel like I was below human.

Usually this wouldnt be such a big fucking deal, but I'm an emotional person. And also I notice that,,, whenever my sister is scared they lunge at the chance to help her feel safe again. It's like they hate me specifically.

I know I'm making a big deal out of something that is really not a big deal. Really all that happened was a little gecko jumped and I got scared. I'm overdoing it. But that's just how I am now. I really don't want to believe that I'm broken or anything, but fuck i think i genuinely am messed up if stupid shit like this makes me freak out... reminder that this all began with EMPATHIZING WITH A FUCKING MEALWORM. I'm jsut so fucking broken. And in the moments I was left alone to console myself as quietly as possible so as not to make anyone angry, I felt my body become possessed with another soul.

This happens sometimes, where I will sorta have the mindset of a child. I force it sometimes to cope, but other times it happens on it's own whenever I feel unloved or otherwise bad like this. I'm not too sure if this is a normal thing. But I describe it as possession. The fact that that event made me get possessed is kinda a big deal. Usually that only happens at REALLY BAD THINGS.

But this wasn't really bad... I'm just being sensitive and overdoing it.

Honestly my parents are right... I really do need to grow up. But I think I have something wrong with me, with my brain, because there are just so many things about this story that are so... wrong. Like, what sort of person freaks out and cries for an hour because they got jumpscared? What sort of person then has their body SWITCH SOULS because they feel like their parents dont love them? WHAT SORT OF PERSON EMPATHIZES WITH A WORM??? it's all so weird. Like, who knows, maybe my parents arent that bad, maybe I'm just like... weird. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm making such a big deal out of it... but I cant help it. That's just my emotions.

Shit, I should really get a therapist. All the ones I've been to so far tell me my emotional reactions are totally normal but THIS DOESNT SEEM FUCKING NORMAL TO ME. I've overreacted to shit my whole life. It's not. Helpful.

On another note, I notice that my crying doesnt induce a "concern" reaction in my father. It induces an "anger" reaction. They arent bad people, I just... I'm beginning to think they really fucking hate me.

They have all the reaosn to, but a lot of those reasons are things that couldve been fixed early on if the adults around me cared about my feelings enough to try to sort them out. It's been fifteen years and now I'm fucked up. Irreversible. Just. So.. so fuckinf damaged. I dont think I'll ever be normal. And I hate ft. But it cant happen.

Soemtimes I think it was a bad idea to choose to live after the party. It was the perfect time to die and I told myself no, dont do it. It was... perfect. Calling to me. I think it was my destiny to die that day. I think that now I am cursed since I dodged my destiny.

I try not to think that way. I tell myself that I am going to change so much. I tell myself that my passion will be my strength. But the way my life is going, it really doesnt feel like I will become anything good.

I'm failing my classes. They KNOW about my soul shifting. I cry too much. All I ever do is draw STUPID FUCKING DRAWINGS and play STUPID FUCKING MUSIC and play fashion designer in my room stitching things up... fucking hell. They're right to hate me. I'm a failure. But they're also wrong to hate me. A lot of the things they dont like about me are things that are THEIR FAULT.

Man, I dont even know what to think anymore. All I really ever wanted was their love. But it's impossible for me to get it now, so I should just forget about it. I cant though. It plagues me. The thought that they hate me. It hurts me. And when its confirmed to me... i'm sorry. All I ever do is complain about the most mundane bullshit ever. My parents are proabbly actually good people I'm just overdoing it because I'm I'm proabbly mentally ill or soemthing. And I'm a failure anyways so I cant fucking blame them for not liking me that much anwyays. God, fifteen is very old. And I'm a boy. I hate to say it but they're right. Fuck, they're right. I cant be crying... I'm so oversensitive. But wait, why am I trying so hard to justify their ideas? ITS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY CONDEMNING THEIR ACTIONS. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY. goddamn it...

I dont know how I'm gonna fix this though. I kinda wish my parents would treat me with the softness that I NEED, that my mind NEEDS and has needed for a while now, but I know that wont happen and really I'm just this overgrown child thing and oh fuck I wonder who's fault that is??? Cos it isn't all on me. Oh shit, now I'm scared. If I get a bad mark on my test my parents will freak out. I think I'm going to cry again. Fuck man, I try my hardest, it's just I'm literally defective. I cant do any better. I've been set up to fail anyways. Fuck. I just... I dont know, I wish things were different.

This is stupid and I'm being stupid and freaking out over one little thing. Fuck.

[c-is-for-circinate]

I've been trying to figure out why I dont like Caduceus and your last meta reply got me closer to figuring it out. Like, I've been trying to like him, or at least figure why I dont, and describing him as 'a good person who doesnt have the self awareness to realize hes a jerk' I think got close to my issue with him, so thanks for the Good Meta

This is in response to this post, which I know some people agreed with very strongly and which made some other people very upset.  I’m glad it clicked with you, at least, and that it helped clarify some Cad stuff for you!

I think that a very big thing about Taliesin’s characters across the board, for me, is how intensely judgy they have the capacity to be.  In many ways, Caduceus is less judgmental than Percy or Molly, which is a fascinating thing to think about.  And I have found that fascinating since pretty much my second or third episode of Critical Role, because so much of that judgment tends to be couched in, ‘I judge you for not accepting other people the way I think you should’.  Percy loves Keyleth but also thinks she’s naive, too idealistic about what people ought to be rather than acknowledging and planning for the flaws he’s sure he knows they have.  Molly dresses and talks and walks and presents himself in such a flamboyant way specifically to elicit reactions, specifically so he can decide who to write off completely and not worry about any more.  In both cases it’s this super-interesting, incredibly relatable picture of a person who judges other people for their judgments.  

Because Critical Role is such a long-form show, we got to see Percy be proven right and be proven wrong, we got to see him smug and we got to see him humble, and we got to see a lot of different angles on both his standards (what other people ought to be doing) and his stubbornness (how ready he was to dismiss people who didn’t meet them).  Because we lost Molly so early, we only really got to start scratching the surface of his assumptions and certainties, and one of my biggest regrets is that we didn’t get to explore them so much more.  In both cases, that stubborn sureness--I know how the world works, better than anybody around me--was one of my favorite parts of the character.  It’s such an interesting flaw, because it wasn’t always detrimental.  Both Percy and Molly were often right, or at least they acted in line with their assumptions and the universe responded how they expected, and the team benefited from it.  Both of them had a certain amount of ‘and it’s our job to be decent to other people’ as part of that worldview, which really helped in making them likable.  Both of them made sense, which led to the (for me) really great cognitive experience of, “okay, I agree with this character, but also I don’t think they’re the ultimate authority they believe themself to be!  but I do think they’re right!  but maybe they shouldn’t be so sure they’re right!”  I find internal narrative conflict like that extremely compelling, and in particular the exploration of being judgmental about other people’s judgment resonates with me a lot.

So I’ve been waiting for cracks and criticisms with Caduceus, because I suspected from very early on that he, too, would be Extremely Sure He Understands How the World Works At All Times.  I have been looking for the places he Knows He’s Right, and I’ve been eating them up.

Cad’s certainties are completely different than Percy’s and Molly’s, but once again, it’s incredibly difficult to say he’s wrong.  He believes in fate--well, if you declare that everything that happens was supposed to happen, how is it ever possible to say he’s wrong?  He believes Melora is watching and guiding and wants for him to do things--it’s D&D, she literally is watching (and if she happens to be a lot less invested in any specific outcome than Caduceus thinks, she’s not about to tell him so).  He believes he has a job, has a purpose.  Because it’s D&D, because it’s a story, because the story needs to go places and as the PCs it’s their job to do things to get there, on a very real meta level he’s literally correct.  

He thinks that his job and his purpose is to help people--and how can we say he’s wrong?  How can we say he shouldn’t try to be a good person, try to help?  And he’s doing his best, and his best so often does help, and when it doesn’t, then it’s not his fault because there are other circumstances.  It’s almost impossible to argue with that.  Objectively, Caduceus is doing his best.  Objectively, in many cases it is helpful.

And yet, that doesn’t mean that Caduceus objectively knows the best way to help in every situation--which even he readily admits.  It doesn’t mean Caduceus necessarily knows the “best” way to help even in the situations where he is helpful.

Because right, the other thing about D&D is, Caduceus fundamentally cannot be the Sole Correct Authority on Everything, no matter how much sense his sureness makes.  He literally can’t be, because Tal is one of eight people at that table, and he’s not the one running the world.  He can be absolutely justified in being mad at Nott, which he absolutely is, and it still isn’t a universal truth that Caduceus Is Right and Nott Is Wrong.  There are no universal truths at that table.  Not even Matt has universal truths, not about what characters think or feel or do, not about moral absolutism.

(I’m someone who gets really twitchy around people who are Extremely Sure.  I’ve known a disproportionate number of them in real life, and I’ve got very specific instinctive skills for not pissing them off that I occasionally wish I hadn’t had to develop.  Part of turning from a conflict-averse 20-year-old into a grown-ass adult on my part has involved learning not to automatically agree that the universe must work a certain way, just because a very smart, very sure person who makes sense says so.  Part of it’s involved learning not to be that very sure person myself.  

I think I grab at moments when Caduceus very clearly isn’t 100% correct because of that.  I love the fact that, in Critical Role, we have this multi-layered, many-voiced story proving that even if a character is right, they’re not necessarily the bearer of Objective Universal Truth.  Rather than a story where it feels like the author and the universe are trying to make me agree with one person, it’s a story where a character can be right and not right from a thousand different directions at the same time.  (Which, if nothing else, makes the story and the character feel so much safer to me.))

Caduceus is a little bit passive-aggressive sometimes, going back to Caduceus and Nott and the original discussion of that other post.  And, right, he wants to avoid conflict within the group so he doesn’t make a big deal out of certain things, and just like all of his opinions, it’s hard to say he’s wrong in that.  And he has every right and reason and justification for having emotions about some of the many very big things that have happened to him lately.  He’s right (he’s not wrong) about a lot of things.  He’s actually really good about recusing himself from situations where he doesn’t have the background or knowledge to be right at least to his own standards.

The thing that has me calling Caduceus a little childish is that he’s so utterly disinclined to acknowledge the possibility of nuance.  He knows how to help Fjord (he’s decided that he knows how to help Fjord), so he does.  He doesn’t know how to help Nott, so he doesn’t.  We’ve never seen him take so much as a moment to consider whether or not he’s right in his assessment of his ability to help in either case.  And yeah, to me that does feel a little immature.  It’s not that he’s got a philosophy and he sticks to it, it’s that he lacks the self-awareness to even acknowledge the blind spots it might give him, let alone try to amend them.

And that’s okay.  Acknowledging that Caduceus might possibly be a little bit of a hypocrite, a little judgy, a little wrong in his mental image of the universe and his place in it, makes him so much more interesting.  It makes him a person.  Not an infallible mouthpiece from God; not a perfect sage holding all the wisdom of the ages.  He’s a good person, trying to do his best.  

He’s a good character, because he’s an examination of how all these traits both hinder and sometimes help his attempts to be a good person.  Stubborn certainty got the M9 up on their feet after Yasha left, comforted Fjord away from U’kotoa, saved a tribe of giants.  Caduceus is multifaceted, and the game is multifaceted, and the very same characteristics can be great in one situation and a real problem in another, just like life.