#but i stopped doing that bc i couldnt handle the idea of people dealing with me

[elegyofthemoon]

i might be dumb as rocks lmao

[ainri]

hello! I'm the one who asked for one of illumi (yandere) could you make it headcanons?

illumi zoldyck as a yandere (hcs and drabble.)

•hunter x hunter

•yandere illumi headcanons + small drabble

•mostly fem oriented

•assasin/servant reader

•fic warinings: !dark content!, mentions of death multiple times including reader + reader’s family, insinuated character death at end, forced labor, undergarmnet theft, swear words, mild gaslighting, obsessive thoughts.

•🔞

•masterlist

•a/n: this is my first request so ty!!! tbh i rlly like writing yanderes like its just so fun? anyways someone should really do a crime count because i had to put some extra stuff in the fic warning so that people wouldn’t go crazy on me or call me insensitive 🥰sorry for the wait i completely forgot abt tumblr…..🙊if it doesnt make sense its because i rushed it bc i felt bad for how long i kept my anon waiting (sorry anon pookiebear) and its 1:27am 😞😞

continuation of this post!

<🌟🌟🌟>

-how did you end up this position again?

-oh yeah thats right! your parents were also assasins who just happened to have ‘issues’ with the zoldycks.

-they had personal issues with silva due to a deal gone wrong between the two assassin families.

-how did silva handle getting played by your parents? by sending out an order to kill them.

-but silva is a higher class man with much bigger issues. who’s better to do the job than his son illumi?

-of course the original order was to kill you, your father, and your mother.

-when illumi saw you walking back onto your family’s estate something in him just snapped.

-he just couldn’t help it; he had to have you, no matter the cost.

-that was the moment he realized he couldnt just let you die or kill you.

-you were…special?

-that was the first mission he had ever failed… he just couldnt bring himself to kill you.

-after silva finished beating the shit out of him; illumi had an idea.

-illumi spoke of this idea to silva; to make you a personal servant in return for you and your parents’ lives.

-of course silva agreed, once silva privately told you of this ‘agreement’ you had to agree.

-best to not test the zolycks’ willpower and to not test the waters.

-working as illumi’s personal servant was fine, that was before your panties started disappearing randomly from your laundry bin.

-“master illumi, i hate to bother you with this but have you seen my panties?”

-“no. what are you saying servant?”

-he quickly retorted back, almost, no, way too quickly.

-of course, this all started to add up when the male zoldyck house staff started to ignore you + avoid you like the plague.

-apologizing profusely to you over the smallest mistakes or accidents.

-this was all bizzare…. you needed answers, as quickly as possible.

•••

it was a calm day of cleaning when suddenly you walked in on it—illumi torturing your male coworker who helped you clean the atrium yesterday. “master illumi, what are you doing?” the servant asked horrified and confused,

“none of your business servant-“ he stopped himself to reword his sentence, “you know what? no! i was teaching him a lesson for speaking to you. besides you only belong to me!-right? right? say you belong to me! i killed all of those men—no, boys for you and you can’t even say, ‘thank you master illumi.’!?” he was yelling, now losing his temper.

“master illumi i didnt ask for you to kill for me! whats wrong with you? you-you-you psychopath! youre being completely delusional and irrational!—“

CLANG

all you saw was black as you felt your vision go blurry with illumi hitting you in the head with skme heavy blunted off object.

“i don’t appreciate that (name), i don’t appreciate it at all. you ungrateful woman. all i ever wanted to do was love you. clearly you cant even allow me to do that much. what a shame.”

END

••••••••

©2023 ainri; do not repost my work without credit or repost my work in a different language♡

[etherealskeletons]

i have no idea what my cousin sees in peter hes such a fucking asshole all the time theres not a single day that goes by where he istn a fucking dick. hes extremely terrible to my dad and he gets nasty and catty with me and my cousin is like “well idk whats wrong with him lol” and white knights him so HARD. shes always giving excuses and theyre so flimsy, its always “your dad reminds him of his oldest son, and peter gets cranky/stressed out when hes near his kids or ex wife, he has a lot of trauma yknow:((” like??? that doesnt make it okay to be super nasty to everyone else. im full of fucking trauma but im not putting everyone else down and being an energy vampire. i cant imagine being so fucking toxic to literally everyone around me bc i cant get over that my ex wife was abusive to me, i cant imagine essentially becoming my ex wife and terrorizing everyone else the same way i was. but this man does, he does it almost all the fucking time. hes even terrible to his CURRENT WIFE, MY COUSIN. like??? wha t the fuck do you see in himm???? girl im gonna throw you down the stairs i hate this!!!!! i hate how stupid youre getting i hate that you allow yourself to be treated like this what happenED!!!!!! i hate how he treats everyone and how she lets him get away with it, i hate living here its so tense all the fucking time hes always so angry and upset

i hate my uncle i had to go to the house today, hes finally losing my childhood home. hes getting kicked out and the house its going to be renovated for someone else. its hard bc on one hand im glad its gonna get a makeover and will be in better hands bc currently it looks like a crack house bc my uncle is a shitty person who hangs out with skeevy people. going there was so fucking hard it just looks like shit i hate it i hated going there i hated seeing the house get WORSE.. i thought about taking pictures of the place but whats the point i dont wanna remember the hosue looking like this i dont wanna remember it like this at all it looks so awful i jus stood there and i couldnt stop shaking it was so intense being there. we ended up leaving early bc it was too much for both me and my dad but peter had a huge fuckign meltdown over it and HE WASNT EVEN THERE?? he cussed him out over facebook and demanded we go back bc you cant abandon family even though my cousin literally didnt ASK US to help or anything and she felt the exact same way we did??? she aws gonna dip super early after getting some plates like we did he really made a big deal out of fucking nothing it was so stupid??? we ewnt back and i GUESS its good that we did and that she also stuck around bc there was a few good things that came out of it. i have some of my grandmothers jewelry that she never wore, her old kitchenaid, and i found my grandfathers wedding ring (finding that and his glasses made me cry ouffh) but go d i cant go back to that house i just cant its too fucking much its terrible i hate it i hate it i dont care if peter gets mad and tells me how terrible i am i just cant handle it

i hate that my uncle screws ebveryone over i hate hearing from one of the roommates that hes gonna be living in his car bc my uncle screwed him out of his money for his methhead on again off again girlfriend, i hate that my uncle always plays victim and shoves blame on everyone else and bleeds everything dry and ruins everything. he does this all the time i ahte it i hate him i hate that hes been doing this for my entire life, possibly longer, and always gets away with it. he l;ooks awful too i just know hes using i know it and i feel sorry for him but god he caused so much pain and upset in this family i cant help but feel so much anger. (but i tried being an ‘”adult’’” i was being civil and nice. being around peter made me realize i cant BE like that i cant hold grudges and lash out bc someone reminds me of my fucking mom or my ex girlfriend. NOT LIKE I EVER DID BUT LIKE.... just being around that made me realize i cant keep holding onto everything, i HAVE to move on and let go. its over its so fucking over dude you cant keep living likethat its so unhealthy and it literally makes everyone miserable)

but i still hate this fucking.. white trash ass red wing fucking family, i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate that i feel stuck i hate that i spend most of my days rotting and nights crying because everything is too overstimulating and too much

[gothamdad]

THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS PART ONE: CINEMATIC WRONGS AND ANALYSIS COMMENTARY

DO NOT REBLOG.

This is going to be a bullet point list of incidents that occur in the movie, and will either have my general commentary or an analysis of what makes the scene terrible (or in some rare cases, good). TRIGGERS FOR SUICIDE, MENTAL HEALTH, AND DYSMORPHIA 

-bruce trying to kill himself in the beginning of the movie. 

Hes reckless, and willing to risk his life, but not suicidal. But he just purposefully gets into a wreck at 2 minutes into the movie?? for no reason??? theres literally no reason for it other than it being angsty bc they COULDVE started the movie with the mutants doing crime, as the next scene cuts right into it and the following news reports 

-"This reporter hopes that wherever he is, hes enjoying a toast with good friends" said when its the anniversary of batman’s disappearance 

this is stupid I hate this movie. You're telling me Gotham forgives Batman for just disappearing on them? DID THAT NOT HAPPEN IN NML AND EVERYONE GOT PISSED??? Like everyone in this movie seems to have forgot he abandoned the city. Not to mention, and I'm gonna go off on a tangent here, bruce will be batman for as long as he lives. He calls himself batman in his mind even when hes retired. He believes that Bruce wayne is the mask. His whole identity is batman. Saying that hed quit because of jason is not only stupid because it implies Jason's death isnt just as important as his parents, but shows that any tragedy is enough to permanently knock him down. And as if the league, or the family, would have let him give up. Anyway the whole reason the retirement in batman beyond works is because it shows bruce was going to fight until he literally died on the spot, but instead he pointed a gun, didn't even use it, just pointed it, and he realized he wasnt fit to HONOR batman anymore. He broke the rule. And he doesnt deserve to wear the mantle. This is so good because 1) bruce still wants to be batman and 2) it doesnt imply that he gave up at all, and at this point with his decreasing wellness his family WOULD be telling him to stop

-Gordon toasts with Bruce on the anniversary

FBKSBSOANSISSB OH MY GOD IT JUST SHOWED HIM SHARING A TOAST WITH GORDON. this is the anniversary of the last time batman is sighted and gordon. JIM FUCKING GORDON. Is celebrating. When they were literally partners and hed shine the batsignal each night TELL ME WHERE THE LOGIC IS!!! I CANT FIND THE LOGIC!!!!! I'm literally 3 minutes into this movie..... and already this is how its going...

-Gordon and Bruce talk

"You're not worried about me, are you?" Asked when hes in clear danger of being attacked by mutants "noT MorE tHAn i aM tHe ReST oF tHis CItY" ah yes. I forgot that Bruce hated gotham and jim Gordon. My mistake. Common misconception.

-the mutants are introduced

Ugh and it's the worst kind of villains too, jim just described the mutants as "the worst kind of criminals. They are only after violence, with no humanity at all" GIVE! VILLAINS! REASONING! I hate these joker wannabes Joker was already enough we dont need a million more "lol I'm just evil deal with it" villains

"Talk to Dick lately?"asks Gordon "You know I havent" Bruce responds

THIS CONVERSATION IS GETTING W O R S E BC I KNOW HOW THIS MOVIE GOES AND HE JUST INSTANTLY HAS CARRIE BE THE NEW ROBIN- WHICH, IS N O T BRUCE'S TO GIVE. ITS ALWAYS BEEN DICK'S MANTLE TO PASS DOWN- WHEN HE HASNT BEEN SPEAKING TO DICK????

-tangent on how it’s overlooked that Dick Grayson was the one to make Robin, not Batman

This is a sin that not just the movie, but the batman franchise in general seems to always make. Robin was made as a tribute to the flying graysons, and is meant to be colorful and aerodynamic for acrobatic tricks. it should always be dick’s to pass down, or the next robin after. 

-Bruce begins having trouble with holding back his urge to be Batman

His whole wanting to be batman again thing started because of a newspaper with a family's death and pearls being sold. On the same front cover. I'm. THATS WHEN HE REMEMBERS HIS PARENTS? NOT EVERY FUCKING TIME HE HEARS A GUNSHOT? OR CLOSES HIS EYES? OR SEES BLOOD? HE READS A NEWSPAPER THATS FLOATING IN THE WIND??????NOT EVERY TIME HE LOOKS AT JASONS COSTUME? OR THE OTHER CRIMES COMMITTED??????LOGIC!!!!!!!!!! I NEED !!!! TO KNOW!!!!! WHERE IT IS!!!!!!!! ARE U KIDDING ME NOW THE MARK OF ZORRO, WHICH IS WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW OLD NOW, IS ON TV??????????? AND HE JUST HAPPENS TO FLIP TO THE CHANNEL.. Batman telling bruce "you've tried to hold me back. But you're weak. Ypu know it in your soul. You're nothing but a hollow shell." Is so STUPID!! WHY HAS HE BEEN FIGHTING BEING BATMAN!!!!!!!!!! BRUCE SHOULD WANT TO BE BATMAN!!!! AND HATE HAVING TO NOT BE!!!! AND A BAT FLYING INTO HIS WINDOW AGAIN???? STOP THE FUCKING CLICHES IM SICK OF THIS . UR NOT BEING NEXT LEVEL, MOVIE. ITS JUST DUMB. ITS DUMB!!!

-Carrie Kelly

her first ??? Appearance??? Is her going into KNOWN MUTANT GANG TERRITORY instead of going through the rain. And scolding her friend for not having backbone WHEN THEY COULD LITERALLY DIE and saying, and I quote, "its better than out there." then when interviewed about the incident her friend says  "It was a flying monster! With wings and fangs!" and she replies with "Reality check, Michelle, it was definitely a man, but he had to be like 12 feet tall" OH YEAH THATS VERY REALISTIC CARRIE. Shes an asshole to her friend and we're supposed to like her.  Oh and Carrie's reason for wanting to be robin? She saw the bat signal while her parents were talking about public marches. That's it. That's her reason. Not because she was attacked by mutants and almost died.

-Giving the movie credit

Okay but if theres another thing I'll give credit for, and I'm sure its unintentional, is that Harvey is the first criminal he wants to take down. Because Harvey is always going to be Bruce's priority. He didnt go after the mutants, but Two-Face. And the way that confrontation goes when it’s revealed harvey thinks both sides of his face are scarred. the Arkham staff fixed his scars before he was ready for treatment, and his mental health wasn’t priority. he was going to have dysmorphia either way, but not treating mental illness worsened it.  kinda? good writing? But I think it was unintentional to have the idea that Arkham didnt know what they were doing and the belief that scars are important before trauma, and how trauma has to be helped first. I dont believe for an instant that's what's meant. 

-Carrie Kelly part two

She gets a Robin costume and goes out onto the roof and is like.... almost dies. THEN THE NEXT SCENE WE SEE HER SHES LIKE COMPLETELY ACROBATIC? WHY IS SHE SO ACROBATIC NOW!!! THIS TAKES PRACTICE!!!

-Batman confronting the man who supplied the mutant gang with guns

Oh, this scene...He hands a guy a gun, knowing full well that he was depressed because his wife was dying and he had to make more money to save her by supplying the mutants with weapons, and just walks away as he kills himself. (input from a friend which i like:  think about everything bruce did to help mr freeze and his wife now think about this scene )

Batman vs Mutants 

oh, and the "batmobile". Aka his tank. Rubber bullets. Ok fine, whatever, but RUNNING THEM OVER AND SHOOTING MISSCLES ISNT LETHAL? AND HOW IS CARRIE KELLY GOOD AT FIGHTING ALL OF THEM WHEN SHE COULDNT HANDLE HERSELF WITH ONE LIKE A WEEK AGO.  hate that the mutant leader is just a ripoff of bane with long pointed nipples I hate this. I hate that batman cant take him down, but carrie kelly can. AND THE MUTANT LEADRER TOTALLY DIED WHEN BRUCE THREW ADHESIVE ON HIS FACE AND HE WAS SUFFOCATED BUT LATER ON IT SHOWS HE LIVES ??

Bruce talks to Carrie 

"What is this thing?" -carrie "Dick called it the batmobile" -bruce "SIR!!" -alfred over the radio There are no words. Then she pops his arm into place and creates a makeshift cast And he says "where'd you learn to do that?” and because she’s a mary sue she says nothing, because miller doesnt know why she should, so he cuts to "what's your name?" and she says "Carrie. Carrie Kelly. robin" and HE FUCKING GOES "MINES BRUCE." and then immediately tells Alfred hes bringing "robin" to the cave. I hate it here I hate that he forgets what happened to Jason aFTER ITS HIS LITERAL REASON FOR QUITTING. WHAT IS THE POINT IF HE’S GOING TO ACCEPT THIS GIRL HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW AS ROBIN?

-Bruce talks about Jason

OH BRUCE'S FUCKING LINE. HIS LINE. IM FURIOUS Alfred asks "have you forgotten what happened to Jason?" And he says "I'll never forget. he was a good soldier. He honored me" I AM !!!! SHAKING!!!! WITH HOW MAD !!!! I AM!!! Bruce would NOT say that shit. Implying that jason wasnt his son, or that jason was only a casualty in a war, or that HE FUCKING HONORED HIM AND NOT THE CITY, OR THE TITLE OF ROBIN "He honored me" shut the fuck up I hate this and dont even get me started on the misconceptions of Robin in the first place. i dont want to go into the debate on whether or not they’re soldiers, which I personally don’t believe. but its just stupid because Jason considered being Robin the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he was THE BEST. it wasnt his fault he was killed, either. 

-The ending

So the mutant escapes his cell by going through a VENT. A . V E N T. AND ENDS UP IN THE SEWER. I hate that these mutants are just an army of evil people and have no motivation and the leader is just a brute I fucking hate Bruce calling him "son" And the mutants become the sons of batman who fight crime......??? because their leader is gone?? werent they supposed to be evil criminals with no humanity in them?

-Joker

Okay but Joker being absent the entire first part , only to show up in the end hearing news reports about batman, and then smiling as he stands up and just fucking creepily says "darling" holy shit that gave me goosebumps. another credit i have to give. 

[couch-house]

Wow people like that anon are why we need to be more educated about manipulation via self-destruction. We all need to understand and know that if we constantly, repeatedly "make" someone feel bad enough to consider harmful actions just through TINY contradictions it might just not be us and we don't have to put up with all the stress, discomfort, depression, etc. that comes from it. And sometimes it's really obvious when it's manipulation, it's not NEVER an option.

exactly bro. i’m gonna do something real fun and talk about my abuser, who did this for years! under the cut

so im just gonna come right out and say it so i dont gotta give him an epithet every time, but his name was dibby/dib. he goes by a different name now i think but from what ive heard it seems like ppl r familiar with him by that name as well. w/e for his privacy i guess ill just leave his current name out of it. anyway i knew and was friends with/dated dib for about 7 years before we cut each other out.

ANYWAY dib had/has legitimate mental health problems, yes, but he also chose to use those problems as excuses for his manipulative and abusive behavior. dib had bipolar and would experience dramatic mood swings. unfortunate but normal and okay! if you experience mood swings and suddenly feel overwhelmed by sadness or anger, you probably know that, if you recognize this as a disorder, you should let the people around you know, tell them how you’re feeling, and do what you can to manage the situation.  dib would instead say “oh no i feel a mood swing coming. :( quick, distract me!” which, again is a clumsy but fair way to handle that, EXCEPT when it inevitably failed to cheer him up, he would blame us for failing, call us bad friends, insist we didn’t care about him, and isolate to only talking with his favorite person (for a while that was me). 

when dib got upset he would blow up, block me for days or weeks, and then later when he calmed down and felt lonely he’d add me back with some half-apology and assume everything was fine again. here’s a list i kept of things that upset him and had this result! it was called “things not to do”

tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

fail to tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

ask dib if it’s okay to do things

talk to him when he’s feeling antisocial

offer critique when it isn’t asked for

ask dib not to do something

talk to him in the tags (when not friends)

spam things he doesn’t like/isn’t involved in ((the relevant examples are bug blogs, bunnies, and the pbs kids show arthur. not because they trigger him, just because he doesn’t like them))

talk about/mention people that are my friends that he doesn’t like

offer solutions when he just needs confirmation

make it about you

yeah. keep in mind every one of those bullet points corresponds to at least one time he either faked his own death or blew up and blocked me for a week.

the bigger problem though was his suicide ideation. dib had a pretty shit life and pretty shit mental health and unfortunately was legitimately depressed and suicidal. he needed help but, living in america, really couldnt afford it most of the time. this is okay. if you or someone you know is unable to get medical health for depression or suicide ideation you know how hard it is to live with. sometimes there’s not a lot you can do and that person will Just Be Depressed an just Want To Die and theres not a lot you can do to help, even if you try your best. that of course, is not the problem with dib. 

the problem was repeatedly, starting i think when i criticized him for pushing everyone away by insisting no one cares about him and not putting any effort towards others, would make some vague allusion to feeling suicidal and abruptly log off and stop answering messages. this can be an okay way to deal with yourself if you’re upset BUT. THE NEXT DAY, after i frantically thought he was going to Attempt and repeatedly messaged him to try to deter him, check on him, ask if he was okay (he really just went to sleep, which again is fine), he decided to PRETEND TO BE DEAD.  he told his gf and maybe one other person he was alive but threatened them to stay quiet and pretend he was dead or he WOULD commit. so his gf at the time had to play along and all of us then-kids were freaking out that our friend had died, only for him to decide later that he’d had his fun and he could now announce “no i just logged off for a little bit :)”

he did this. many times. make some allusion to wanting to attempt then abruptly stop answering messages, knowing what people would assume. (this was one of the pieces of testimony i did not include verbatim in that rk post: i was told rk would do very similar things; part of why i thought the post was necessary. ive lived through the other side of that and i dont want ANYONE else to). i think two separate times that he did this, i was sent home from school early because i was crying so hard (my best friend let me think i was responsible for his death. he did this on purpose. he did this repeatedly. thats fucked up)

one time he posted a supposedly queued suicide note post! and all my friends were terrified he’d died! so i remember someone anonymously messaged kylee henke asking for advice, and i (who at the time he was mad at and had already blocked) got fed up with it (again because he’d done this so many times and i knew by now that there was no point in getting upset, he was just doing it for sympathy or attention or w/e) and messaged his mom on facebook asking her to check on him. he was fine, just like. crying in his room. also sidenote he got BIG MAD that someone told his mom and was posting when he was found out liek WHO TOLD >:( n i was like :)). bc bro if ur really abt to attempt i have an Obligation to get someone irl to check on you and protect you. but obviously you werent since this was like the 20th fucking time youve done this 🙃

he was a huge pizza shit for other reasons too but the main relevant one was that he would use his mental illness as an excuse for his deplorable behavior and blame others for things literally no one can reasonably do anythign about and then constantly and i DO MEAN CONSTANTLY use his own life and suicide ideation as a trump card.

anyway if you know someone who repeatedly threatens suicide or pretends to commit suicide by purposefully alluding to it before ghosting you, or posting a suicide note meant to blame others, you need to get out of there right now. that is not okay and you should not be dealing with that. ive taken years to get used to the idea that if i criticize my friends, they won’t kill themselves

[herstarburststories]

You left me ✘ Barry Allen Imagine ✘

✘ A/N: I'm not even gonna talk about my delay because y'all know me. School's last year is busyyyy. Also, angstttt. Tbh I do not consider this one too much angst. But well. I'm having seconds thoughts about the result but let's see it!

Beta: @lyss-91.

CHECK MY MASTERLIST (bio).

✘ Request: Can you do a Barry Allen X reader and Barry comes home from work and Y/N is gone because she got powers and she couldnt control them so she Avoided Him bc she didnt want to hurt him.

3 HOURS AGO

You looked around with a helpless smile. Every molecule of your body aching, trying to make yourself stop at that exact spot in the middle of the room and wait for him, not just walk through the door and run away.

But you knew that this was the closest act of doing the right thing you would ever do. It wasn't your wish to leave, it was an altruistic need.

You held the piece of paper with her trembling hands while stared at your unique calligraphy in the tough words written there. A single cold tear slipped down your cheek, landing on the letter; proof that it hurt as much as you'd demonstrate into words.

You sniffed and shook your head, pushing these feelings away from your rationality. Doing this was necessary.

Your scarlet boots echoed on the wooden floor as you walked toward the door.

A thump, the door closed.

And there was no love left inside the apartment.

                                ×××

CURRENT TIME

Dear Barry, 

No. That could not be happening. It wasn't possible, not even an imaginary option. Someone had tampered with this, right? He was a forensic scientist, he could grab it, take it to the lab and- 

Oh Jesus. That’s so cliché, huh? Dear and blah, blah, blah. Not exactly my cup of tea - I always wanted to say that-, the only romantic cliché that I ever experiencied was those annoying butterflies in my stomach everytime you touched my skin. 

No, that wit sugary could not be simulated. It was you, his girl. 

See? I mean, read? You, even when not by my side, make me act like a chick-flick romance. Bleh. 

But that’s not the point. The point is... God, how do I say it without breaking our hearts? 

Well, I don’t think there’s a politely way. Even though I'm a writer, I can't make it look softer.

I’m leaving you, babe. 

Or the girl he thought that was his. 

I’m so sorry, I really am. As much as I know that you won’t believe me, I beg you to do so: I love you. Deeply, desesperatly. Pure as the angel that you are, strong as the devil that I am, I love you. Always did, since the first time that you saw me. Or should I say stalked me on Jitters? Boy, that was creepy.

Barry Allen's first instinct was to laugh softly, as he always did when it was something about you. (Y/N), the love of his life, the incarnated affirmation of such a theory like love at first sight when he rolled his eyes at something Cisco spoke at Jitters - mission: coffee and brownie for Iris and Caitlin - and looked to the side, accidentally laying the green orbs on you, not many months ago. Unfortunately, any sign of happiness or lightness was braked in the deep of the Flash's throat. 

You were leaving.

(Y/N), abandoning him. 

Something happened. You know how that blue-haired metahuman, who Iris wrote about could control water molecules? I can control fire by myself. 

I have no idea how it happened, if anything exploded again or some anomalie inside my blood made BLOW. The thing is, if you look inside our room, you’ll notice that some places are burned. I tried to cover it as best as I could. I wish I could say that is what it is, just this small accident. 

But, of course it’s not. 

His heart was racing faster than his feet ever could, almost exploding. The air in his lungs was scarce, Barry could feel his throat closing as he gasped in opposition. 

It felt like having a panic attack, just as he had when he was a child after his mother's death. 

Once again, someone Barry loved was leaving. And he could not do anything about it. Not even now that he was Flash.

He was still that impotent eleven-years-old boy. 

Our postman, Mr. Charles, that old, gentle old man? He showed up today while I was home. As aways, he was really atencious, asking about me and you. When we’d get married. But when he extended his arm to give me the mail, I accidently burned his hand. 

Holy hell. He tried to process it, though only more questions came to distance the answers, just like his worry about you. You must be feeling so bad, so scared, so... Alone. And Mr. Charles, how was he? Was he still alive? Barry wanted to run. Either with his eyes to finish reading it or with his feet to go away, to you. Yet, there The Flash was paralyzed.

He is okay. Alive, at least. 

Reading it was, at least, a relief. Charles was a good man.  Unfortunately the good news was attached to a catastrophic thing, as always. After all, Barry Allen did not win, only The Flash did. 

He wondered why. Why (Y/N) would do this? He could have helped you, the whole Team Flash could. They dealt with similar things, even worse; they could train you until you found the power of self-control. They would have everything in hand.

The ugly answer came hard and fast, like a punch in the face.

Barry didn't tell you that he was The Flash. In his mind, for noble reasons. Protection. He loved you more than anything and wanted you to stay alive to love even more. The hero did not think that would have such brutal consequences. You screaming when you'd find out? Breaking something? Sleeping with a friend for a few nights? All this was understandable. Painful, but fleeting.

But that? That was fatal. 

I love you with every piece of my human being body. You’re the blood in my veins, the happiness in my smile. My sun to the Moon that I am. And that’s why I need to leave. 

With the powers of his persona, Barry no longer had to worry about some trivial things. His mind taking too long to understand something was one of those. But at that moment, his brain was in a chaotic loop, which would leave a wound open for a long time.

If he'd gotten home two minutes faster, maybe it would not have happened. If he had been honest with you from the beginning, he could be comforting you now. So many 'ifs' and only a reality.

If I hurt you, I wouldn’t survive. Neither would you. 

Barry's body was burning. What an irony. It was like he was about to vomit, hands shaking. The tears did not come, too frightened to see the outside world that called them so persistently. Was it his system trying to save himself by noticing that his heart was deteriorating, his senses were already leaving him?

We could just be sleeping and suddenly you'd get a burn. Or worse. I can't deal with that. I can't be okay with being around people while I am not able to control it. Me.

How strange. I always saw metahumans as people and not its. Clearly, because they are. No matter how bad they've become. Yet, right now all I feel is like an it.

I became a it.

I wonder if they felt like that. If I'll ever feel as powerful as some of them seem to.

I need to go, Barr. To far away, to find answer.

The forensic scientist knew he could faint anytime, he was giving up his own mind. 

Keep being everything this worlds needs, my nerd. 

Always yours, 

(Y/N). 

You were out there. Alone, scared. Of course, you could handle yourself. He was fully aware of that. Still, Allen knew how hard it was to deal with such powerful things. Especially when your contact time with the new part of yours was so horrendous.

And it was his fault. He felt it. 

All of it.

Barry ran away and checked the city countless times, that only took a few seconds. (Y/N) wasn't anywhere to be seen, she had probably even left the state. He went back to the apartment, grabbing the letter again. Rethinking and oscillating between his human and heroic speed to do so.

He'd lied to you for months, and still had the audacity to kiss you and promise things that he clearly could not keep up. Barry Allen let his bright star melt and trickle down his pale fingers, hurting both him and you in the process.

And (Y/N) was gone.

His mother was gone.

His father was gone.

Finally, his body forgot that foolish resistance, surrounding to its breakdown. The Scarlet Speedster, Barry fell to the ground in a thundering noise, the tear-stained letter crumpled in his right hand while he put his head between his legs and cried as hard as he could.

He was gone.

[magical-agatha]

god my fuckin temperament is too weak to handle thinking about inguinal hernias anymore today. this: http://transhealth.ucsf.edu/trans?page=guidelines-testicular-pain is still the only link i can find that has any confirmation of it as a danger to trans women who tuck. but it doesn't go into detail about how the actual hernia is occurring and what the relationship is with tucking. but at least it confirms a correlation so i know that it is in fact a danger and not just wild speculation or something based solely on one person’s experience, which may or may not reflect the rest of the community. from what i can guess its probably like? pushing the testicles into the inguinal cavity is distending it and weakening the muscles, which is allowing the intestines to slip through into the cavity. i wonder if theres like, something in this to do with like, physical exertion, bc it could also be that tucking is creating a weakness that is getting exacerbated by a moment of physical exertion? or maybe by moving in a way that like, affects the muscles in there? idk. there really isnt a lot of info about this and im not a doctor so the best i can do is speculation. but i dont think the idea that tucking is distending the inguinal cavity which is weakening the associated abdominal muscles is too extreme of a jump. this is one of those times where i really really wish there was more medical information and research about trans bodies, bc most of what there is is sporadic and incomplete and the rest is sourceless uhh, whats the word, when its just based off a persons experience being recounted without any like, reliable research or info. starts with A. im very tired lol. point is i wish there was more info out there cuz there really isnt a lot and im scared ppl are going to get hurt bc of that. this is also like, opening my eyes a lot about how uncertain the information i have in general about like, my body and the bodies of other trans women. bc im finding inconsistent info about things i thought were facts, like for example tucking has always been held up to be perfectly safe, but ive never been able to do it without it hurting, and apparently like?? the whole ‘hrt will turn you infertile’ thing might be inconsistent too? apparently it happens to some but not others. and the thing about like, ‘you WILL lose the function of your dick’ (with the implied ‘but thats a good thing’ that has always pissed me off) and my dick still works, it works differently and i cum and orgasm differently than i did before hrt but it still very much works, it just seems to follow different rules? and i still cum and i can still get hard, both of those things were supposed to stop happening but they didnt. it just like.. went through a process of being reprogrammed so it behaves differently now. cuz there was a period where i couldnt orgasm and i couldnt cum, but then i could again, and now my orgasms are totally different than they were when i was pre hrt. instead of it being like, sudden and intense and overwhelming, it builds up slowly to a peak, then gradually declines from there and leaves you feeling warm throughout and very very soft. and my hen leaks precum constantly when im aroused, and then when i cum it shoots a little bit out then like, leaks goo for the next half hour, not a little bit either. its a mess.

there was something else i wanted to say here but i forgot it. all in all im just. mad that the only ppl who care about the health of trans ppl are some doctors and trans ppl themselves. and that information about our bodies is inconsistent even between professionals. i cant be sure that my doctor actually knows how my body works and whats best for me. it makes it so much harder to trust doctors and feel safe when i see them. what a nightmare. i want to help ppl. i want to find and compile info about our bodies to keep us all safe but i can barely look after myself and i cant commit to doing that. i have to focus on myself. so all i can rly do is like, give advice and try to warn ppl of potential dangers and do what research i can. which is what we’re all doing. the danger is when personal biases conflict with caring for the safety of other ppl, which is the root of all the problems with trans medical stuff i think. whether its doctors enforcing their biases on trans ppl thru medical advice/medicine, or trans ppl themselves giving advice that is warped by their personal beliefs. it leads to misinformation and inconsistency and thats dangerous. that means people getting hurt. so i have to be careful when i give advice to be aware of my own personal biases. such as like, i hate tucking, but i cant tell ppl to just not tuck bc its not my body, i dont know if theres a way to tuck safely or not, so instead i have to tell ppl to be careful and to be aware of potential risks, and to listen to their body bc pain and discomfort are important indicators of harm being done. but im scared that will be lost in the tide of ‘tuck or you arent a real trans woman, you need tucking to pass, it cant hurt you’ that has been spread among us for a really long time.

i feel like this is like, tied to another big problem which is the like, necessity and obsession with passing. which are two very different things. necessity is like, passing to be safe, which i feel like has room to accept that tucking might not be totally safe and comes with certain risks, because it isnt about affirming self worth or identity, only about staying safe. then obsession, which might not be the best word but it will do for now, by that i mean ppl who feel they Have to pass at all costs, bc they think that if they dont they arent a real woman or something like that. they tie passing to self worth and identity, if they dont pass they are worthless or incomplete or like, inferior to cis women, and they will do anything to pass, with little to no regard for personal safety. they will do risky things like skipping meals or tucking unsafely bc they want to pass at any cost. but they spread their perspective on this through advice to other trans women, telling them they need to tuck and they need to wear makeup and they need to do voice training and get implants and srs and all manner of things or they are a trender. a faker. they put insecurities into other trans women and bully each other to propagate their personal biases and force other trans women to conform. most trans women pre hrt are extremely vulnerable and lost, which is when these obsessive trans women give them bad advice and twist them to their world view. that happened to me. i got sucked into that when i was trying to figure out my identity and needed validation. luckily i got out of that and i know better now. its really fucked. ive talked about like, versions of this idea before. that there are two kinds of trans ppl, those who love being trans and those who hate is and want to be cis. and i think as im getting a bit older and learning more and getting further thru my transition im starting to put together a bigger picture of the interplay between all of this stuff. like, the interactions between cis society and its expectations of trans ppl, how trans ppl deal with those expectations and how they deal with living and moving in a cis society thats hostile to trans ppl. this is all one big mess. and thats not even touching on the interactions between terfs, transmeds, and the various levels of trans communities both online and irl. its an absolute nightmare. and then as well there’s like, further interactions with like, nb and gender diverse ppl, gay vs straight trans ppl, intersex ppl, exclusionists, and the mess that the current lgbt+ community online is. i could write a book about this. im living in a nightmare. a massive roiling chaotic community thats fighting itself and the world around it and trying to survive and destroy the parts of itself that it thinks arent ‘valid’. which sounds like a metaphor for my experiences as a trans woman. god and theres more i keep forgetting. im so scatterbrained tonight. i havent had enough sleep to be trying to talk about something so complex as this. and im destroying my hands by typing this much. time to stop. i can sort all this out later. what a mess.

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[scarletrebel]

of madness and truth: the dark future details

i was going to do this in two sections cause i do wanna go through the present parts of the fic as well. mainly exactly why avia is torturing herself by wanting to see the simulation, why she decides to tell grier, and why osiris helps her. also, why osiris saw the simulation and what my perception of his opinions on toland are. 

but im too excited to share all the dark future ideas i have so uhh here you go @mrpinstripesuit if you have anything to add please please go for it!!

man why do we like torturing our kids aha

(also i broke it down like, a lot a lot not to be patronising but because i didnt wanna overwhelm people with bullet points aha)

“I guess I’ll have to explain it to you, like usual,” Grier says. “Since we killed Oryx? Three years. Since you snuck into my throne world and tried to kill me? Two and a half years. Since you killed Toland and trapped yourself in the Hive Overworld? Two years.”

three years: back in ttk days, grier chose to become the taken king after they killed oryx, so the rest of the clan had to get out of dodge and leave him. 

two and a half years: avia was very, very lost after that happened, and sought grier out by herself (and against the advice of literally everyone) just to talk to him. but, toland being the piece of shit he is, intercepted her and wouldn’t let them meet. then he convinced grier that she’d come to kill him and toland stopped her. avia then convinces herself that if she figures out how to kill toland, grier will be okay.

two years: in the split second after avia killed toland, in a complete panic grier trapped her in the overworld. he was the one who scratched the runes into the wall, theyre basically a strong but hurried version of the hive traps. 

the scene itself, the timeline that present avia sees is set just after the events of d2, around the time the savathuns song strike would have been undertaken. it’s the first time they’ve spoken since avia killed toland, but avia knows grier was responsible for trapping her. him telling her that shes there because she killed toland is the first notion that he’s there to lie to her to get her on his side, because he’s in denial and needs to know if savathun is actually coming to the system. hes not sure he’s strong enough to take her on, so he needs avia to take on the role of toland (or something advantageous to him at least) to give him an advantage. so he lies through his teeth.

“Yes – no,” Avia retches. “The singing,” she spits. “All she does is sing and sing and I can’t take it anymore!”

“Who?” Grier asks, sharp. “Who sings, Avia?”

Avia’s mouth opens around a name, but then she stops, and lets out a dry laugh. She drops her hands and pulls her head up to look at Grier. “Oh. Oh, are you telling me you don’t know?”

“It’s nor Ir Yut,” Grier ruffles, but shakes himself and addresses her with all the manner of a teacher dealing with an uncooperative student. “She’s gone. It’s not his daughters either, and no ordinary Deathsinger on account of how far it stretches across the system. I have my suspicions but you, are the only one who knows.”

Avia pierces him with her eyes, unrelenting and patronising.

“You know,” she says. “You know who it is.”

grier is…….. fucked up. he had toland whispering in his ear that he was doing everything right and he was getting oh so powerful, whilst withholding information about whether either of the sisters would come and kill him bc its toland, all he cares about is the sword logic. if he was actually alive when they came he’d probably just watch grier die with a smile on his face. 

then avia kills toland, and grier is so, so alone. all he has are the tablets of ruin, which explain the sword logic with such clarity, all the info that toland withheld from him, and he starts to get Worried. and then he hears savathuns song.

avia hears savathuns song, too. she actually started to gain control of herself in the hive overworld after she heard it. until then she was having all this information shoved into her head against her will. she knows a lot about the hive similarly to toland, because shes heard all these other songs and all this knowledge. she doesnt want to know, its far too much for her to handle, but she doesnt really have a choice. 

but then savathuns song made her realise the best way to get griers attention, so she just started screaming. every now and then, the screams would affect griers throne world. and that’s when he decided to go to her, to try and manipulate her with all the tools toland had given him. he had a feeling she was transforming into something, but went into the conversation just trying to convince her that she needed to help him.

“If you’re right, if I’m a liar just like Toland was, then even if I told you how they all died on my doorstep, you wouldn’t even think I was telling the truth.” A tilt of his head, the white matted fringe dangles slightly, helplessly. “Would you?”

none of the clan are dead. the eos’s did try and get avia out after rook was patrolling the dreadnaught and heard her voice, screaming. he couldn’t convince the vanguard to deploy a mission cause there was just no proof that avia was alive after sneaking to the dreadnaught to kill toland.

carver used his Hidden talents to track her down, got as far as the room where she was but the hive were about to overrun them. carver knew that avia wouldn’t want them to die in a rescue attempt, so he gets himself and his wife and child out of there and regroups with the others. carina is mad about it, but her mum and dad aren’t giving up.

the only other member of the clan who’s seen grier is rook. after the eos’s got back, he figured fuck it and went to get avia, his heart too broken to have the same clarity that they did regarding if he died.

that part grier wasnt 100% lying about -- rook actually finds the room, and grier is waiting for him. it’s a close fight, grier gets the chance to kill rook in the end, take his ghost and crush it under his heel but. he cant. so he tells rook to run, and if he ever comes back he wont just kill him, but he’ll make avia do it. (more lies about avia not remembering who he is probably idk)

grier lying to avia about their clan mates dying isn’t something he went into the conversation knowing he’d do. he was getting pissed at her holding back info out of spite, and thanks to this little comic by pin I wanted to play with him bitterly making her more and more upset by lashing out in such a vile way. grier is a hard character to find faults for aha but his quick anger and bitterness were interesting to play with when I dialed them up to eleven.

avia’s biggest fear is getting the people she loves and cares about killed, and grier still retains enough of himself to know that. so he just kinda, finds that vein and twists and pulls at it until avia breaks down and believes that she’s all alone -- that it really is just them two now. 

“I, I wouldn’t – no!” Avia yells, and the room shakes once more. Grier takes stock of it this time, his face twisting in amused curiosity as she rages on.

avia is turning into a deathsinger. 

in my head her ahamkara claws loose their silver plates over time and eventually, some time after her and grier talk she hears the ahamkara/worm gods/whatever with a scary amount of clarity, amplified by the fact that shes trapped in the overworld. they just convince her that shes not a guardian anymore, that shes something better, something more powerful. she spent so long being a soldier, a fighter for a dying cause, wouldnt this be better? to forge her own path, to listen to the songs and become something greater?

eventually she’ll decide (or think that she decided) that grier’s the only person she can protect anymore, and begins to accept the transformation. she adopts the same powers, I guess, as oryxs daughters. being able to weave reality and bend it to her/griers will. she’s basically ‘griers deathsinger’. her grief and anger fuel how powerful she is.

(i love...... corruption tropes so yeah this is basically whats happening to her aha.)

its an ironic parallel also because as i said before, grier is alone with the tablets, and avia is alone with the ahamkara. but grier said it was just them. theyre both transforming and changing at the same time into things they dont necesarily want to be because they couldnt see the consequences of their actions after one decision was made. but, they do eventually come together, just them, as grier makes avia believe -- as its meant to be. 

Afterwards 

i like to think eventually the clan decides to take grier on together to try and save avia, but they just get taken one by one instead, basically becoming different members of griers court and only making him stronger. they’re all far, far too attached and know that theres most likely no coming back if they do this. but after the city falls, theres no better time. no vanguard to stop them, no mission protocol. they regather after ghaul attacks and all decide to strike out by themselves. but it goes horribly wrong. 

avia’s full deathsinger transformation makes all of her armour look like the silver plated ahamkaras (because thats just her, in d1 they were my fave exotic and they’re very much a part of her character in that era for me) minus a helmet, and the silver is definitely more rusted. her eyes blacken over entirely and her cloak is massive and swishy and the hood almost covers her eyes, and thats in place of the skirt a deathsinger would normally have (a skirt just doesnt seem right for her aha)

avia becomes a very loyal, very cutthroat deathsinger. she’s literally at griers beck and call. like omnigul for crota, or as it said in the fic ir yut. 

[haectemporasunt]

 wiratomkinder Shall do!

You have any good dreams lately? haectemporasunt hmm well the desperate gray clown monster this morning 

was i telling you about the curse one?

i d have mentioned a play  wiratomkinder That wasnt a dream that was an omen  wiratomkinder And no u did not! haectemporasunt heheh  haectemporasunt well! at this stage i m not sure i ll remember quite as much but 

speaking of stephen king and joe hill and my crush on the girl from the ring

one of the things i ve always been into is the idea of kids banding together to defeat a supernatural evil and then later, (usually as teens), they have to go back and deal with it once and for all  wiratomkinder Ooooooo haectemporasunt yeah it sounds cool but is kind of embarrassing bc you Know i m self inserting myself as one of those kids 

snort ok anyway, this

dream followed that same sort of typical line haectemporasunt there was a play being performed at school and i had some bad presentiment about it, there was something i couldnt remember and i didnt want it performed, but since i cldnt articulate my fears couldnt convince the school to stop the play, nor cld i convince my younger brother not to star in it   wiratomkinder Aughh that sounds stress inducing haectemporasunt so i m fiddling w my car and it s raining heavily and i m outside the auditorium, and the radio starts emitting static, and i stop fiddling w the light.... and i can distantly hear one of the play's (it was a musical i guess?) songs starting 

and i Remembered haectemporasunt In my dream i just clenched up bc i remembered Her the Bad Thing and i remebered --and the memories were dizzying and made me feel ill, like waves of sickness that hit you inescapably and you know youre gonna vomit but there s no bathroom near   wiratomkinder Hooooogh thats strong haectemporasunt when i was in school and my friends and i put on a play, and --i couldnt remember it all, but i rmemebered my friends and i in red coats [apparently doing the play but not in the auditorium, somewhere underground and filled with tree roots], standing around a big hole in stony ground, and stairs leading down , curving around the side into darkness, and i remember holding sheets of musical notes and old books, and i remember us saying things, and something going wrong 

and whatever our goal was w our play, we must have gotten it, but we also got Her haectemporasunt you wld think she d have crawled up out of the dark but now 

no*

i dont remember how she appeared but it wasnt from below, she was a symptom, not the source  wiratomkinder Hooooly shit haectemporasunt and all of this is flashing in my head like how in my head i imagine epilepsy is like, and i m still in my car clutching at the air and whimpering but i m overcome with fear bc i m remembering and it s terrifying bc it means something happened to make me forget 

and that s when i realize, firstly, that my friends, the others that performed the play with me in the underground room, most of them were no longer around and i didnt remember why or how but no one else remembered them either, there was just me and one other friend, and we didnt talk anymore,

and secondlly, i realized that it was almost pitch dark in my car even tho it was light outside the window, and the darkness was centered behind me  wiratomkinder Jeeeeeeeeez haectemporasunt and you know that slow turn that ppl do in horror movies? and they see the Thing grinning at them? and then they die? 

this is the cool part of my dream--or it was cool for me anyway bc , again, i m a sucker for these tropes

bc i imagined that happening, and i could feel Her behind me and i cld hear her teeth

but ... i had dealt with this before even tho i cldnt remember the details, and i knew looking behind me wld be Death

worse than death haectemporasunt bc death ends   wiratomkinder hyoley shit haectemporasunt but i d dealt with her so i knew first , she would talk to me. because of our intense history [fuck you max and your fetish for killer undead women], she wld want to play w me a little, so i had an opening where she wldnt kill me outright   wiratomkinder GGHFGHFFHH haectemporasunt so i was pretending i was still remembering , and i was slowly moving my hand towards the door handle  haectemporasunt and i felt her hair brush against my ear and she whispered "i missed you, max. you have to look at me now" 

and i grabbed the door handle and slammed against the car door to get out...but it was locked.  wiratomkinder YEEEESH haectemporasunt so, 

i have enough time to think, Shit haectemporasunt and then her arms are around my neck and she is twisting me so i will look at her back behind me in the back seat 

her hands make me ache

(btw wtf was happening to me that i was feeling this? i can only think it was the tinge of a body part going numb, or i was sleeping on my neck wrong)

but in my hands i now had the , whatchamacallit, the program for jake's play,

and i kept getting flashes of what i wld look like from the outside as i died, but i Knew now that bc the program had words from the play on it, i cld use that paper as a barrier , albeit small , against her

but i had to look at her to hold the paper up against her  wiratomkinder hyooooof like fighting a medusa riding a basilisk haectemporasunt hehehe 

so i turn around and i m trying to look only at the paper as i shove it hard against her bedraggled ripped up chest as she s scratching at me, but in the corner of my eye i can see her face and it is.... nightmarish

ha, literally  wiratomkinder OH NOO haectemporasunt she is grinnig impossibly wide--and her head is so big, it s bigger than her body or that's how it feels--like, it s normal sized, but ,,,,, it feels really close up against you even when she s separated from you by a chair...it s hard to describe but you can feel something is immense and monstrous inside and 'beyond' her 

she s bigger than this corpse she s using  wiratomkinder Yess like a weird perception thing

Your field of vision zooms tf in haectemporasunt i m nost sure how to describe her face in a way that actuall y evokes the terror 

especially when, ha, you cld summarize her homicidal glee as 'Dead and Loving It'

but her face was smashed

like porcelain  wiratomkinder Yee gotcha gotcha  wiratomkinder Oof haectemporasunt black cracks, red meat, and her eyes were really horrible and big, and her mouth was too wide, inhumanly wide, and cracked too  haectemporasunt and she was very happy and furious to see me 

we apparently had unfinished business that involved me being brutally broken

and then worst than killed

ha sorry i m taking too long  wiratomkinder No ur good!

I wanna know whats up with ms. Corpse bride over here haectemporasunt i pushed the paper aginst her and she was trying to throttle me and she was laughing in this quiet whispery way that was...super creepy bc it was like immense passion whistling out of cracks  haectemporasunt and w my free hand i m scrabbling at the door lock, and finally it comes freen but now the paper is basically being sandwiched btw me and Her, we re pressed against each other and that sbad bc she s making me hallucinate that i m already dead and broken , like, i can see that my neck got broken when the car's tires somehow rolled over my neck  haectemporasunt (i guess that was a power of hers, remembering deaths and then they become real?) 

but the door gets free and i tumble backwards out of the car and slam it shut!!!!!  wiratomkinder FREEDOM!!!! haectemporasunt yeah!!!  haectemporasunt god it felt so good, id outwitted ( """"outwitted"""") her once again, and she cldnt leave the car for some reason--in waking hours i think, maybe bc it was still daylight even tho rain? or bc it was open sky? but in the dream i just Knew she cldnt follow me . i was safe until i went back indoors 

which i wld have to do in order to enter the auditorium and stop the play haectemporasunt but i was remembering this wasnt the first time i d outwitted her! i cld remember dank school corridors and a blue tiled pool and other situations where i d managed to evade her,e ven as she crawled into other people and burst them apart from the inside 

knowledge...with knowledge you cld survive against her, but there was something you needed to forget too, and i was starting to remember that too haectemporasunt in fact i cld remember the last time, the time the third to last of our friend group died, and friend (the one i didnt speak to anymore) and i had agreed that we needed to forget   wiratomkinder Hyoooooooogh  wiratomkinder Tactical amnesia haectemporasunt it was camping, we were desperate and trying to escape the play's consequences (which went beyond Her bc she was a mere symptom rmemeber) , we d made a sacrifice, done a ritual, and we were trying to isolate ourselves, and i remember watching my friend die in that campsite, i cant remember what happened now, i think their tent collapsed, and then something was in the collapsed tent with them, and we cld just see their squirming body and hear this ... sink disposal unit sound 

and i nearly died in my tent with Her on top of me, squeezing my throat and slamming me rhythmically with one of the tomes we d used in the play ritual, just smashing me in the face and her horrible smile

and the remaining friend had intervened, and she dug her fingernail under my eye and then she was gone

and that was when we decided we had to forget  wiratomkinder Holy shit haectemporasunt sadly that was getting near the end 

i remember the auditorium being very red and i remember my brother and his friends looking up as i approached

i remember the terrible importance of what i d chosen to forget

and i dont know what She was except she was partly a Force ie a force of (super)nature and that she d also once been a girl with feelings and perhaps love in her heart haectemporasunt but sadly i cant really remember anything else 

just me and my papers trying to convince others not to commit the same mistakes i did i guess?  wiratomkinder Holy shit

Thats really somethin!!! haectemporasunt i m kinda sad bc if i were to copy paste this for tumblr to enjoy someone s gonna be like Lol gravity falls forgetting plot 

or something  wiratomkinder Awww naw i dunno haectemporasunt but i really liked it! and not just bc i felt important and knowledgable   wiratomkinder Dreams is dreams they happen as they happen

And hell yeah! That was an adventure!

[kaertrolde]

i put this under  a read more bc its super long and i went on a total rant on something i didnt really mean to. but my whole topic is pets arnt disposable, so if you dont care just keep going. i mean you dont gotta read it at all, it was mostly just me venting to try and help me feel better. but in the end a pill seems a better more realistic choice.

i seriously just cant seem to win with my dad. everything right now is about the cats. HE SAID YES TO TAKING THEM!!! bc he wanted to put them outside when we lived in the country and i preferred them being inside bc its safer and ive lost way  to many cats out there. and also he would put them out when he left for work at like 4:30 am and then they would cry and cry at my window until i let them in. i found one of them cowering in a bush once and the other was next door where they have a big pit bull(this isnt a slam on the breed, i love pit bulls in general and i genuinely believe its all on how they are raised and socialized, just like any dog) who wasnt very friendly. and i said i didnt think we should take them bc i didnt want or feel comfortable getting attached to an animal and then just to force them outside where literally anything could happen to them. and my dad knew i would get attached, i always do. and now the liter box is his issue. it s “reeks” he always says and yeah sometimes it smells but that word i hate it. its just like he (and everyone else) “you gotta find a new place to put that stupid box” but then they dont offer any solutions. so its in my bathroom which is the front bathroom and my dads like no body will want to use that bathroom with that smelly shit box in there and im like okay well they know we have inside cats so they gotta have a place to shit. and i have a dog crate in the door way so my stupid dog doesnt go in there and look for brownies to eat. i hate how older generations just think of pets as disposable. we went from 2 pets to 4. from 0 inside or outside cats to 2. and he was just like we gotta get rid of them. and he still says we gotta get rid of stella all these years later. and its like no you cant just get an animal in the moment and then when they dont act how you expect them too or they dont serve the purpose you wanted them too, you cant just chuck them out like trash. im on the edge all the time bc of it and i dont know what to do tbh. ive been trying to find better literboxs and solutions but idk. i just gotta put it in my room and deal with it. and its just like he says do this do that and when i ask how or any other question he just says figure it out. 

and dont get me started on my moms new dog. he fucking treats that turd muncher like a freaking princess. my mom is gone from home about 9 hours a day. which is a lot i know but also she is a dog and they get used to things and when shes out she gets alot of attention and a lot of play time. shes not mistreated whatsoever. but i gotta walk the half mile everyday to let her out bc how would you like to be trapped all that time. again, shes a dog. they sleep for like 18 hours a day. shes got toys and bones and a big crate and a nice bed in there. shes got a yard to run around in when my mom gets home. its just so freaking stupid that . 

i love dogs and animals in general, just sometimes people gotta realize they have their own personalities and while some cats may hunt mice and gophers all day long some might not. while some dogs are super friendly around people and other dogs, some arnt friendly to other animals but love people. a lot of it is training and exposure but some are just predisposition to be a certain way. stella was very crazy until like maybe two years ago when she started to calm down. but through all the barking and jumping and otherwise crazy behavior i stuck with it with her, shes such a smart dog and picks up things so quickly, she loves walks and tennis balls and always lets me hug and snuggle on her. but my dad wont let me bring her inside. part of me is like i understand she sheds a lot. shes dirty bc we dont have grass in the yard, shes not fixed, and shes kind of small animal reactive. but i know she can be a good dog, and once i get a job and have my own money i am going to take her to the vet so she can get shots and get fixed bc she deserves it. 

the only animal i ever asked my dad for was my current small dog, we adopted her about a month after my old dog passed. and i just couldnt handle not having a small dog, roxy 1 slept with me almost every night for onwards of 9 years. she ended up getting an inoperable tumor right on her soft pallet that made her have nosebleeds and started loosing her eyesight on one side and could barely eat. and the last few days i sat with her and helped her eat soft food and tried to stop her nose when it started bleeding and i knew it was time to let her go but my dad just went and took her and i didnt really ever get a chance to properly say goodbye to her. i know it was the best thing for her and i know it would have wrecked me to know it was coming but i still would have liked to been able to say goodbye. 

when we got stella hes like oh craigs dog had some puppys come on if there is a black and white female we are gunna take her. so that was his choice. i was a teen i didnt choose her. i got to pick the puppy and all that but in the end it was his choice that i never asked for.

the same with the cats, my moms friend couldnt keep them after having them for 7 years and my moms like do you want them and i said of course i do but if they gotta be outside all the time i dont think its a good idea so i would rather not put them in danger if someone else could keep them safe inside. and then she went and asked my dad and hes like yeah we need outside cats. so again that was his choice. 

and when he says that we gotta get rid of them or do something with them it just breaks my heart bc i love them all so much that ive been sitting here crying while i type this bc i miss roxy 1 but at the end of the day i know she had a good life that she got to live entirely with us, not getting rehomed or sitting in a shelter or dropped off on a corner. and i dont think i could emotionally handle having to get rid of any of them. 

im sorry this rant is so long, sometimes i think tumblr is the only place i can really vent like this and not really feel guilty about it. im fine and im going to stand my ground and not let him get rid of them. 

my entire point of this was that pets are not disposable.