#but i rlly think its worth giving the time of day to a lot of these characters and analysis into them

[fatcowboys]

tonsillectomy has fucked my sleep schedule and also I am craving every food under the SUN rn but won't be able to enjoy most of them for like another week I have list of foods I'm gonna eat once I'm able to

[crqelsummer]

im the last person who’d ever see endeavor as anything but a secondary antagonist but hes also very narratively interesting so i also refuse to write him off entirely.

[rinnstars]

all sides of you!

the five love languages rin shows to you

itoshi rin x reader: fluff, hcs/drabble, not proofread, likes n reblogs are appreciated <3

words of affirmation

- at the beginning, i think hes a lot more averse to saying romantic stuff so its more of in a long term/after months of dating

- mainly leaves sticky notes/passes notes during class/at home with what he wants to say ar rhe beginning

- after a while tho, he’ll try to at least praise you/compliment you irl then slowly tell you he loves you (altho rarely at the beginning)

- has a bunch of scribbled notes he never passed to you all filled with confessions/ things he wants to say that he eventually says at the back of his closet in a box (because he thinks its sentimental)

- a lot better at expressing his feelings and can say them without freaking out internally or stuttering before giving up and calling you a mean nickname to neutralise the compliment

- believes in a speak not tell but he knows communication is key so he’ll try his best so bear with him

- slowburn moment for this but its 100% worth it when he comes home from competition and all he can say is repeatedly whisper i love u into your ear as he pulls you closer into his embrace

physical touch

- again, at first hes a bit touch averse / awkward with hugs/kisses but after a while of dating..

- 100% super clingy esp after coming back from competition/bllk : his hands have to be somewhere on your skin, doesnt matter where hes not picky

- has to sleep with you, hugging you like youre his plushie (drools a little too btw)

- links pinky when you guys walk together doeznt matter where “you’ll get lost” excuse except his entire face goes pink at the touch of your hands

- really likes kissing your neck, he thinks its rlly cute when he can hear you & esp if it leaves a mark :p

- has piggy-backed you before even when youre not lying about your shoes hurting or being tired to be carried by him

- enjoys being babied ngl like he loves it sm when you pepper his face with kisses while he just lies there or when you comb his hair with your fingers: he feels like hes in heaven esp after stressful days

quality time

- tries to see you everyday : either through school/going to yours/his house, dates, or even facetime call

- calls you every night when hes overseas btw and during breaks he’ll try to text you back n reply to your messages

- the type to make up excuses just to hang out with you like “oh i need to get new shoes, come with me” even though he has 2038839 different pairs and then have to huy another one because he cant be caught (you can tell)

- wld go on “study” dates where he just stares at you 3/4 of rhe time and actually doesnt finish any of his “assignments”

- has gone on hangouts where both of you just chill in silence n rlly likes it because theres no pressure to do anything and its kind of calming/relaxing esp after having to deal with teammates n whatnot during work

- wld watch you play games/do anything while he sits beside you, just enjoying your company even if he craves a little more but thats alright by him

acts of service

- lowkey such an act of service guy like even pre-relationship even if he makes excuses for him bc hes trying to be #idgaf

- the type to rush to your home with meds/food/everything if you text him youre sick after missing school

- i feel like. he just kind of enjoys the peacefulness of like cleaning and would do it whenever hes stressed (ignoring the loud music he listens to)

- would bring your necessities sometimes, and ends up at some point lending a hairtie to reo (he has a pack of hair ties bought for you at all times)

- anytime he goes out to get food/on the way home, he’ll always get a portion of what youd like just in case, and doeznt mind just eating it as leftover if you dont want it

- has a notepad on his phone on your favourite orders (drinks, meals, desserts etc)

- if youre forgetful, he’ll text you to remind you : whether that be to attend events/eat lunch at proper times/buy something

- would go back to the store if he didn’t buy what you wanted/if you wanted something else without any hesitation as long as it makes you smile even if he doesn’t admit it

- would learn how to take pictures for you on his own accord : you didn’t even realise until one day you pass him your digicam and suddenly he was an expert photographer compared to just months ago when. you started dating where his hand was blocking the camera

giving gifts

- has a matching necklace with you at all times and its his lucky charm and he’ll 100% kiss it before a game / when he wins the game

- shared wishlist on online stores except he stalks through yours and buys them for you randomly to surprise you

- if you have something spoiled/doesnt work as well, doesnt matter if its a home appliance/jeans that don’t fit etc, he’ll buy one for you without any hesitation when he goes out/on his phone

- gets you trinkets/keychains/stuff that reminds him of you including any sanrio/anime/designs you like / even your favourite food ie. chocolates/candies/chips from different countries he goes to for matches

- would notice if you wore his gifts or not and try to buy more things that you like more ie. if you like silver accessories more, he’ll buy more of those

- even during school days, he would 100% blow his money on arcades if you like to play claw machine/those rhythms games and watch you play and sometimes if you don’t get it, he’ll try to get them after his football training for you and pass it to you as nonchalantly as you can the next day

- always buys matching things: that bracelet he bought you? yup he has an exact pair in his drawers, feels its more meaningful and intimate

- if you ever ask for anything, just know he’s willing to give you that and the whole world and even the whole galaxy

-

[val-cansalute]

𝙱𝙴𝚈𝙾𝙽𝙳 𝙻𝙾𝚅𝙴 𝟶1

summary: - a prologue of sorts - you and ellie will never be the same. the words you exchange are so deep seated and visceral, an accumulation of all the hurt. hers are telling; the love she gives is nothing like yours, nowhere near as intense, nowhere near as desperate. she’s closed off to you, and she may never be open again. she’s leaving town before it is even given a proper ending, to go on tour now that her music career is taking off. this is the end. at least for a few years.

warnings: not rlly proofread bc i ball too hard, angst with no comfort yet, dw it’ll come, ellie is dealing with trauma, references to sex.

an: this shit is reaaaaally short cuz it’s just some context for the main story. unfortunately for me, bc whenever i start a story i get rlly anxious until its over, the next one prolly won’t be coming for a while since im gonna be travelling for a bit and i got quite a lot of stuff going on: love you guys, stay safe, never stop talking about palestine. do your clicks. :-)

masterlist

When you first saw Ellie, there were embers in her eyes - front of the pub, she didn’t even need a stage as she sang her heart out. Her captivating nature was enough to elevate her. Everyone else in the room faded to grey in the background, nothing more than a lively buzz punctuating the atmosphere. You were enraptured.

And she was too.

Hesitant glances from across the room at the same time each week, the music and the feeling was electric. The flush of her cheeks melted into the splotches of red from the sweltering heat each time she met your eyes. You sat on that same barstool; she stood in that same spotlight.

And when you started seeing each other, there were so many moments where you felt like your love for her was uncontainable. It spewed out of your pores and overwhelmed your senses every time she was near, even in spite of her soft and reserved demeanour.

It had a hold on you. Each time your lips met, it always became visceral for you, slow and sensual movements transforming into borderline aggression, tongue desperately searching her insides and tearing all the petals off the rose that was in her mouth. You wanted to consume her, suck her up and hold her in the comfort of your rib cage. She was everything to you.

And she was bound to fame. You knew it would come. She was made of stardust, and an aura so golden it would burst if confined in small town pubs any longer.

Sometimes, you gently trace the ridged edges of the polaroid pinned to your wall and feel a pool of warmth gather inside you at the feeling of familiarity her younger face brings. Her face, back then when her eyes seemed greener, her cheeks seemed fuller, her voice seemed clearer. It’s a sick feeling: nostalgia, remembering the way your intensity felt and what it has become.

If you stare too long, you’ll watch the grainy photograph melt and churn, the hues of her skin becoming duller and sunken inwards.

The house is quiet. It’s a silence so dense, you’re almost fooled into thinking Ellie isn’t home. But she is. She’s there, like a ghost lingering in the cracks of your walls.

It feels cold, with a lingering scent of whiskey and a heavy silence that creaks in the hollows of your ears, even for the weeks at a time that Ellie is home.

Maybe it’s a sick thought to have about the woman you would give up your life for, who you would do anything for, who you love more than anything in the world millions of times over, but you prefer it when there’s a distance between the two of you these days. Playing into that constant facade of everything being okay drains you of all your worth and for no return. Ellie gave up on it a while back. It’s just you prancing away solo on that stage now, like some jester.

You’ve become a slave to it, lost yourself out at sea trying desperately to make things okay, whatever that means. She'll never talk to you about it. There’s only scraps left to hide but she clings to them like they’re her lifeblood, tearing them away from you as if you’re just some stranger. Some stranger who watches her crumble to pieces and put herself back together, like she’s a damn mix and match, each time the memories come back to surface in her mind. You beg for more, for crumbs of her resolve but she’s gone. Not coming back.

Nothing has been okay. Nothing has ever been the same since Joel died. Ellie has never been the same. That day, he left and took a piece of her with him. A piece you know you’ll never get back.

There’s no room for argument, what is between the two of you is like glue that barely sticks, so you keep yourself deathly still and hold your breath with a pounding heart and complete desperation, not wanting to ruin anything further. But there’s so much you have to say, and no time to say it.

Instead, you watch her pull further away, see her eyes become duller, notice her absence get longer, feel the sex get colder, watch everything warp and twist and writhe until you’re beyond the point of no return. Until you’re not sure you trust her, or yourself, or the concept of anyone truly loving you the animalistic and self destructive way you loved them at any point in time.

It’s lonely on that island, watching her drift away, the person you thought completed you, she felt incomplete regardless of your presence.

You know the glue has faded when she turns to face you from the foot of the bed, looking so far away as she speaks.

"What? You're moving to LA?" She looks down at the fingers she’s twiddling, and takes a deep breath before continuing.

"Yeah, Max said it wa-"

"Well, how long?" You cut her off, already rising from the bed and moving closer. She meets your eyes but the look she gives doesn’t satiate your anxiety in any way, despite how you beg it to.

"... About that, we were thinking it might be… indefinite for now..."

Your heart stills in your chest and the blood rushes from your head. She can’t even look at you.

"Ellie. What the fuck… How are you just gonna dump this on me now? W-what about us? What are we gonna do? I already barely see you anymore,"

"I... I'm sorry but, I gotta do this. You know I do, if I'm gonna make a caree-"

Desperation takes over, your palms quivering erratically beneath you,

"Ellie… I know you care about your career, but, God, we've been together for so long. I love you so much, please don't do this to me,"

She raises her gaze to the ceiling and forces the lump down the dry, tight hollow of her throat,

"It's not forever, babe, I’ll come home.”

But you’re already shaking your head in dismissal of her blatantly dishonest words,

"You and I both know that that is not true. You’ve been desperate to go since it happened and I know I’m just an obstacle now.“

"That’s… That’s not true. I really can’t do this right now."

"You never can. And it’s because I fucking know you're not coming back, Ellie! And I'm not gonna sit around, waiting for you to call, only ever hearing about you through other people when we’ve been together for so many fucking years! I want you to be happy more than anything-“

"We can call.”

"But you fucking won't! And you're always drunk! You need to talk to me, Ellie, we're never gonna be okay if you don't!”

“I can’t be okay when I’m trapped here! All I can think about is him! I don’t eat, I don’t sleep!”

"But this isn’t gonna make anything better! We have something here! We said we would start a family together, Ellie… LA; you would never have wanted this… Okay? Joel would never have wanted this!"

She gets up and turns without a second thought at the sound of his name and your blood pressure spikes in complete desperation.

"Ellie, Ellie, please. I'm sorry. We can work through this, I promi-"

“I have to go.”

“No, you don’t! You aren’t being fair! You shut me out! You shut everyone out! I’ve been trying so fucking hard!"

"I know, and I’m fucking sorry, but I can't stay here, there's nothing left for me! I love you-"

Your voice is quiet and quivers with emotion that lulls her in, begging her to see that you need her - that she has always come first to you even if you’ve become secondary to her,

"Then prove it. Stay."

But her mind is already made up.

"… I can’t…”

You’re shaking your head,

“I have to do this.”

No, this is seriously the end.

“I'll come home."

You stop shaking your head and look at her.

“No. I can't wait around for you, Ellie, not when we’re like this. If you do this, it's over."

"That's up to you."

The rest of the night seems blurry to you. A deep despair festers to the brim of your skull. You can’t bring yourself to move once she’s gone, can’t bring your mind to calm itself down.

But once you do, the house is plunged into the darkness you encounter. The weight of Ellie still hangs thick in the air and lingers like a whine in the creaks of cold floorboards. As you leave the house you shared with Ellie, you pass through each room, switching the light on and then off, from top till the bottom, until you reach the last.

Click,

and then you leave, once and for all.

Pass round the bend and then by the sea. Watch the waves rise and then crash into each other, right where Ellie used to plant her feet beside you.

more pics of my cat bc she’s just so adorable 😩

[ritz-writes]

@asleepyy so sorry for tagging u twice in one day and i hope im not bothering u with my brain rot 😅

but yes, i did actually dissect the lyrics. yes, i am actually insane. and yes, i love this au quite a lot.

here are my notes and what i think each song represents, tho its mainly just the vibes i get. i made notes as i listened to them (note: i see songs almost always in animatic form. idk if that will effect how i imagine what each song means, but i thought it might be worth mentioning)

join me as i lose my mind over the course of an hour and a half

say what you think: def making me think of them both in heaven and jophiel wanting to ask questions.

running up that hill: AHH this one hurt. very obvious as well. jophiel seeing that azazel shouldnt be a demon. "And if I only could I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get Him to swap our places." i am sobbingggg

what difference does it make?: at first i was going to say its jophiel wanting to figure out what went wrong but azazel makes them promise not to, but i think its better suited for azazel understanding hes a demon, but he cant help but still have faith in the almighty

please please please let me get what i want: fuckkk is this about azazel being a demon but still wanting to do good 😭 short but still painful

ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't've): my first reaction to the title alone was like the second image of the kambucha girl meme. anyway i think this one is about them becoming friends (or more?? 👀) but knowing its seen as wrong. "And if I start a commotion, I run the risk of losing you and that's worse" makes me also think of jophiel talking to the metatron and realizing he shouldnt ask about azazel lest he risk the poor thing being smited.

nothing critical: ohhhh this one gives hella vibes of jophiel not trusting heaven and knowing "something isnt right here" in regards to the fall-- HOLD UP "I know, someone had to go, If not him it'd be me instead" HELLO??? aziraphale asking for jophiel??? is this like after he finds out what azazels name used to be??

flowers never bend with the rainfall: hmm... i feel like this is a plot point song. not sure why. but "And I hide behind the shield of my illusion" makes me think it pertains to azazel

bird in space: oh this ones a bit tricky. i think ive reached the songs that no longer fit the lore we've been given thus far. so the only thing i can think rn is jophiel enjoying earthly pleasures? not rlly sure

angel, won't you call me?: oh fuckkk is this about a fight they have? "I fled at the face of my rival. When I felt his breath at the back of my neck. Angel, won't you call?" theres no way that isnt about azazel saying smth and then leaving, only to be scared he severed his tie to the only person thats been nice to him.

the stranger: first of this is a bop and im loving it. very groovy. the first thing that comes to mind is the "choose your faces wisely" prophecy. ooo is this about jophiel trying to convince azazel hes still meant to be an angel? that he wasnt meant to fall? also, the last verse is sticking out to me... not sure why

all i think about now: fuckkkkk this is giving me the vibes of jophiel finding out azazel Fell cuz of him and feeling guilty about it. "If I'm late, can I thank you now?" FUCKING OW?? oh yeah for sure this is about jophiel finding out and being sucker punched with guilt

ill be your mirror: oh goddd this song. i know crowley listens to this song but i cant remember what its about so lets see. AH SHIT YEAH THATS RIGHT. okay so jophiel reminds azazel that he is inherently good, regardless of if hes a demon. thats what im getting from this (also just tihnking of that ask i sent about the reflective sunglasses bthwjegkrw)

me and my husband: okay all im getting from this is "they r down bad". they r very very very much in love. getting vibes of this being after they stop the apocolypse. or maybe their feelings developing thru the centuries

time in a bottle: oh man this song always gets me. okay so, this and the last song r giving the oh-shit-i-might-be-in-love vibes. but this one is with jophiel's pov, while me and my husband is azazel's

ritz note: the last couple songs have been cute and lovey and i am now terrified of what the next ones r gonna be. cuz i know this fandom. and i am not ready for the pain. i am afraidddd

lonesome town: i fucking called it i knew the happy wouldnt last 😭😭 they had a fight didnt they. yeahhh they had a fight. FUCK why is this so sad but so pretty

across the universe: is this one sad too??? hang on theres a bit thats not in english, what does that mean... "Hail to the Heavenly Teacher." okay so i assume this is an azazel song. this is just making me think of the bookshop fire, but its azazel thinking jophiel died 😭 ....i am staring at the lyircs. i am glaring at the lyrics. this song MEANS something. i just dont know what. but its important. im squinting at it very hard (note: i came back to this song and am STILL glaring at it. its like. its like im seeing it covered in sand but i know theres gold underneath. i cant SEE the gold, but i know its there. this is driving me nuts /pos)

no wonder i: hm.. im not rlly sure with this one. OH?? is this azazel finding out heaven isnt that good?? "Suddenly I'm not so sure. That intentions can be pure." hmmmmmmm

what do they know?: holy shit okay this is a completely different kind of song than the others. im.... glaring at these lyrics too. feels like a plot point but cant tell what it is. i think its about jophiel? maybe heaven too?? idk im grasping at straws with this one

sea of love: oh yay a happy song again 😌 okay this is just short and sweet. gives me forgiveness and/or confession vibes.

who are you, really?: this one sounds important and i am glaring!! makes me think of "we dont need heaven we dont need hell" and also "a demon/angel that goes along with hell/heaven as far as he can". also just makes me think of jophiel speaking.

the moon will sing: i fucking love this song but i dont think ive ever looked at the lyrics so lets goooo. right away i see "I could have been anyone, anyone else. Before you made the choice for me" and think of aziraphale asking and falling for jophiel, and in a way making the choice of jophiel staying an angel. "Instead, I made a bed with apathy" jophiel trying not to care about a random demon. "I shine only with the light you gave me" jophiel giving azazel ideas on how to do "good" while being "bad". also with that line, thinking of azazel saying that to god and being sad about having fallen AUGHH i have a whole animatic in my head with this song and im losing my mind

matephor: hnnnn another important sounding song. jophiel vibes. fight song perhaps?? "Don't look too hard 'cause you won't like the scars he left in me" azazel vibes??? this one is elusive to me but i love it. okay im slowly getting more azazel vibes. like azazel trying to convince jophiel that he is a demon and fell for a reason

providence: right away getting "heaven and hell r bad" vibes. OHH okay okay this is giving me hella jophiel vibes, but specificly snarky and sassy jophiel vibes. of being like "oh yes heaven is oh so great, we kill children! but its for the greater good, of course. gotta beat hell and all that, even at the cost of innocents. all for the almighty and her ineffable plan." (this song is a bop omg)

earth angel: oh i know this one but only with crowley and aziraphale, so im excited to listen to it with an oopsie omens mind set. omg wait why does it hit HARDER. love sick azazel is such a cute image 🥺🥰

what more can i do: hmm.. them being in love but knowing its "forbidden"? cant tell who i imagine with it more

starman: this is just them. classic good omens song, regardless of the au. love to see it 💖

a pearl: AH FUCK ANOTHER SAD ONE. mitski whyy. hm.. azazel song? jophiel?? i think jophiel... tho my mind might be turning to mush at this point so im not sure. one of them is sad

duvet: oh def azazel vibes. oh maybe some jophiel vibes too?? i can see it swaping povs. i think it fits azazel more tho.

ritz note: OKAY the next song is in a different language and for a split second i legit thought i was having a stroke when i pulled up the lyrics ngl bgkewrrkjq

différent de toi: no idea what this song is about but its pretty 😊

oh thats all of them! i think the first half is more coherent observations, while the second half is just... rambling a bit lmao. idk if any of this makes sense. i might also be looking for things that arent there with these songs, but oh well. this was fun!

and now, after looking back at them all, i really does just slowly derail near the end lmao

[the-real-eminem]

Could you please write more about Midousuji Akira😭😭?? I love him so much and it hurts so much that there is NO content with him😭

HI!!! so I actually saw this ask a few days ago and went "omg!! good idea!!" then completely forgot 🩷

BUT THEYRE HERE NOW!!!

these might be a little basic, I rlly need to start writing the more interesting ones down when I get them AND IF I REMEMBER I WILL SHARE THOSE ASWELL!! but here tú go 🩷🩷

- If you happen to catch Midousuji's attention, one of two things will happen:

-one, he's not gonna be happy about it. He's cut away anything and everything unnecessary for his one goal: Victory... and now here you are, here to ruin what he's worked so hard to build. He wishes he was more upset. he wishes that he felt nothing but disgust when he looked at you, instead of the nervous butterflies of his stomach.

-two, obsessed. He would 100% percent be a yandere in the right condition. But like in the first scenario, he still hates you and blames you for the fact he likes you. That being said. He'll give you preferential treatment, and lots of it. He wants you close, unsure of why, but he knows he wants it. Every conversation you have with someone else is cut short by snippy passive aggressive interruptions— and you can only apologize for his behavior so much before the other person gets sick of him.

- would not be a yandere that kills ppl (duh). But you know what he's VERY good at? blackmail and tailing. Anyone who shows a sliver of interest in you WILL be extensively researched, all just so he knows the best way to keep them out of your life, and his in yours. He runs a club of first years who will do anything to gain his approval, why not have one tail the person and tell him their every action? (he did it for each inter high, and your no less important to him)

-once he has you... he has zero idea what to do. He's still nervous, now more than ever. he's confused— what changed? he has you now... why haven't these feelings stopped? He's used to the empty feeling he gets after he wins a race, he's used to a high that dies down— but... you're not going anywhere, he feels the same twist in his stomach when he looks at you.

-It all comes to a head when you first show him your affection. Whether it be a kiss, a hug, or just saying "I love you". When it happens he feels it again. A rush of yellow warmth in his chest that he hasn't felt since the hospital. the feeling that only comes it faint doses when he's first at the finish line. But it's back, and it's strong.

- His response is slow, but intense. Now whenever he does somthing nice for you (which you've noticed- he's been doing A LOT lately) he waits for praise, another "I love you" , another kiss another hug. The feelings of yellow don't come in short lived doses like they used to anymore– its constant when he's around you, overbearing.

-Its worth mentioning: he's still an asshole to you, but this time with good intentions. The name calling and picking on you gets worse, but actually, his interaction with you OVERALL is changing. He talks to you most out of anyone he has in his life. He's mean to you- but he'd tell you things he'd never tell anyone else. He doesn't even realize how open he is around you, he talks to you without thinking about what he's even saying. Whether it be offensive (usually is, it's him) or somthing floating around in the back of his head.

[chiquititaosita]

Hi!!

I just loved your writing! I rlly wish(as a latina too) that you could write the monter trio with a y/n that is teaching them to dance piseiro (brazilian dance)

I think it would be pretty cool actually 😫💞

bear note 🤩🤩 pillali! (Hello in nahuatl) Tlazohcamati (thank you so much) thank you so much for your request this made my day. I really love to give diversity to latine community. Because as a latine and an indigenous (mexica and huestaco descent) i want to see how y/n will be come into life. But I thought you’d never ask my love :> it may take me a bit because ill be researching when it comes to culture appreciation and not appropriation.

Context: much like the quebradora (the break in español) its almost similar to pisero. It kinda contains the same movements but lots of hips moving on both dance partners. Sometimes there are lifts and spins and turns enjoy!!!

Cw: slight nsfw (suggestive).

Monster trio learning to do Piseiro (dance) with Brazilian (latina) s/o (latine reader)

post type: headcannon

pairing: luffy x reader, zoro x reader, sanji x reader

reader: Latina reader

Luffy

reference video

-“ no wait wait! You gotta do this.” you show him the foot work again and corrected him once more

-instantly would drop you if he saw a rack of meat. then immediately apologize after.

-no ifs or buts. It’s canon

- “HYAHHAAHA!!”

- “and spinnnnn!!!” He’s gonna want to be spun around too. Which he does.

- you’ll be falling on your butt 💀

- ngl luffy dances better in the dirt than on tile floors.

- again he uses his hips to try and get in sync with you. But it doesn’t add up sometimes

-“ how are you doing this? Lu?”

-“easy by using my gomu gomu hip moves!” It’s giving very much washing machine moves

-“and dip you to the floorr!!!” It’s so cute to watch him show you what he learned from you! Especially IF YALL DANCED AT CARNIVAL OMGGGGGGG 🤩🤩🤩🤩

-epic show stoppers

-he’ll definitely step on your toes unintentionally. HE DONT EVEN KNOW HOW STRONG HIS GRIPPERS ARE!

-unfortunately dry humping happens to you. If You’ll look miserable nami and robin will try to rescue you :)

-You’ll both most likely dance barefoot because it helps luffy get stimulated and used to it. (If does wear shoes, from what i see he DONT)

- “yeah!- we did this move where I pick up y/n and let her fly a bit! And I kinda grab her how she grabs my hair when I eat he-“ it was the only you could explain it to him.

-“ LUFFY! CALA A BOCA!!” Nami and sanji will smack him for you.

-“SHISHISHI you love me and you know it y/n channn!!!”

Zoro

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRCV4cjo/ < reference

-“absolutely not!!!”

-“I’m not doing it.”

-“THIS!! IS!! BULLSHIT!! !”

- CHINGOW GÜEY!

-So getting zoro to do piseiro , he had to have at least 5 drinks worth of sake to get it in his system.

- but teaching him was actually not too bad

-“Why are you doing it this way?”

-“isn’t it easier this way, it just makes this so complicated!!!!”

-since he can only see with one eye it’s a little bit harder for him (if it was pre time skip, that’d be a major difference) it’s just that he doesn’t want you to get hurt

-poor moss heads hips are too stiff

-“ow OW! zoro! That’s my foot.” You huff in frustration.

-“what I’m sorry!-.”

- he’s going try and carry you at least once. It won’t go well at least in your eyes.

-but it goes well in his eyes.

-“and dip? And dip.”He’ll just mutter in the back of his mind. Thinking in the back of his mind.

-“I’m surprised you’re not even complaining.” You whisper into his ear as he blushed

-“ I can’t let that bastard cook take my woman on the dance floor now can I?”

- Shaking your hips damn girl, he attempts to cover your ass if you’re ever like about to shake whatcha mama gave ya, he’s like “NOPE!!!! NOPE! THATS MINE!!”

-he’s a softie for sure when it comes to the love of his life.

- if y’all do the spins, y’all are for sure gonna get lost, but luckily you find y’all’s way back (y’all wouldn’t even be that far away)

Sanji

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRbTJkrb/ <reference

-an absolute menace

- seriously, he’s gonna be dead the minute you start shaking your ass

-ussopp and chopper almost had to resuscitate him and do chest compressions.

-THE AMOUNT OF NOSE BLEEEDS THIS MAN GOES THROUGH

-His hips don’t lie and that’s on period

- I’ll say that he loves to watch you smile and dance

-ass grabber indeed.

-“Y/n!!! You should teach some more moves like this in private like in your bed room!”

-“y/n-chwannnn!!!!~ y-your ass it’s on m-my.”

-will immediately take you to another room to strictly eat you out

[66sharkteeth]

hi it seems like from some of your posts that City of Blank has been getting a lot of negativity/hate recently so as a semi-longtime reader (ok just since it debuted on originals but it FEELS like a long time) I wanted to drop in and say that CoB is probably like. one of my favorite fandoms ever of all time. As a person who gets really intense about their interests but in a way where I'm constantly bouncing from one thing to the next I have a lot of love for a lot of stuff but thinking about it I've probably generated the highest word count of talking about CoB online to my friends out of any fandom I've ever been in. because I physically cannot stop saying shit abt my favorite characters and the themes and literally everything (to this day. up to this moment. there's a specific like two scenes where if they cross my mind at all I can't stop thinking about them for at least like 20m. it's kind of a problem lol). I also have like rlly bad brainrot rn bc of tonight's update so my friend is probably going to get an earful...anyway this is not meant to sound deranged in your askbox but the point I'm trying to make is that there are DEFINITELY people out there who are still so excited about your comic bc it's incredible and all the haters are Wrong and Bad. so yeah

ahah thank you. though to be clear, i think i'm making things sound worse than they really are. nobody's out there like... slandering the comic and saying its the worst thing they've ever read, except for like...literally 1 or 2 people who have a hardon for letting everyone know how much they hate it haha (main reason i've stopped going to the Webtoon subreddit, which is a shame, because I really did enjoy some of my conversations there). there is more negative comments than there used to be i feel like, but it's just people critiquing it or saying they feel like it's gone down hill. Nobody's saying it's total horse shit or anything (give or take those couple of people who for some reason act like it killed their grandma).

my confidence and self-worth in the comic is just paper thin these days and i do find it confusing that back when it was...objectively worse IMO, it almost never got any criticism, but now that it's getting to things i'm really proud of, suddenly it's gone down hill to a lot of people. makes me question how much i really know about writing. but thank you. i do my best to remind myself there are a lot of people like you who enjoy it and think i'm doing a good job! i'm just trying to get back to a place where i believe in my abilities as much as the majority of my readers. i hope you continue to enjoy it ♥

[sonicreferencephotos]

I ALSO dont rlly like sss but u asking ppl not to play it is so funny T.T just bc its rlly not that fun? like i wouldnt exactly recommend it, but ur point of the devs not having much time to finish things is pure speculation. they have to develop things weeks/months in advance. theyre just shitty devs.

It's not just speculation. I have not personally worked for Gamefam, but me saying that the devs are getting crunched was based largely on the fact that Sonic Speed Simulator makes a point of advertising their weekly updates

Obviously, they don't make an entire update worth of content in a single week, but they still have to move things along pretty quickly in order to have something ready to release every week.

Also important to note is that ex-Gamefam employees have made many allegations against the company, stating that there was a terrible crunch to push out content, that they were underpaid, that Gamefam threatened to take action against employees who discussed their wages — which is illegal by the way —and that they were terminated with little to no warning, including many who were allegedly laid off before the holidays. Details are below the cut.

An article from The Gamer included statements made by former employees. One employee claimed to have received an email informing them they had been fired three days after the date the email said they were fired on

"According to a screenshot of the apparent termination email, they were told on October 31 that they were fired on October 28"

Another specifically mentioned the crunch

"'While I was employed under Gamefam it was a constant struggle due to heavy crunching in the development team,' they continue. 'We were mandated to update Sonic Speed Simulator every week. this was a heavy toll on my mental and physical self [sic].'"

Additionally

"Multiplesources [sic] put the lowest average Roblox salaries between $32,000 and $35,000"

Gamefam denied the allegations, which then led to more former employees speaking out about the poor work environment.

One employee, Joshua DeBoer, reported facing trouble after discussing wages with other employees. From a Games Industry article

"DeBoer claims that as he presented the salary concerns to CEO Joe Ferencz, the executive said, 'Do you think it's good to go among your colleagues and spread dissatisfaction? You need to be seen as a leader if you want to stay here long.'"

Bloxy News further elaborated

"DeBoer was then suspended for a week [...] According to a Tweet put out by DeBoer, Gamefam forced him to reveal by name who he was discussing wages with, and also threatened to fire him if he continued to do so. Gamefam also failed to pay DeBoer’s final paycheck with the company on time, and refused to let him exercise stock options after repeated attempts."

DeBoer took this to the National Labor Relations Board, resulting in Gamefam settling by giving him a $5,000 bonus, and sending a notice to all employees, shared by Polygon

“WE WILL NOT tell you that it is toxic or poisonous to the company if you talk to coworkers about pay,”

Maybe it's just me, but that feels like a very passive aggressive way to phrase that.

It's possible that the devs aren't very good, but even if that's the case, there's a lot indicating a toxic work environment built around crunch culture. It's true that my previous post about SSS included some of my speculations about why exactly the game has the issues it has, such as positing that many elements of the game are poorly set up in order to encourage microtransactions, but the idea of the devs being rushed is not purely based on my own assumptions.

I will admit to being a biased party, due to disliking the game but playing multiple hours a week to get reference pictures of the week's content before it's gone, but I have tried to keep this post mostly limited to known facts, or statements by people who have actually worked on Speed Sim.

People are welcome to play the game if they so desire. The main reason I add disclaimers is because, while it's ultimately their decision what games they play, I don't want to be the one encouraging people to play it.

Hopefully this helped clear things up. You can look at any of the linked articles for more information. You can also direct more questions to me, but as far as the allegations go, my knowledge is limited to what I found reading through those articles. This is definitely a longer response than you were looking for, but I wanted to give a proper explanation

[alien-aisha-vending-machine]

i see you got a mspp sooo what do you think of the new nostalgic pets?

Oh yeah, I splurged a touch. Had some leftover NC from the pumpkin spice gacha LOL. BUT I'm uh, not.. not great with gacha systems and the fact that they not only made it a gacha but also FOMO is rlly bad for people like me who are susceptible to gambling/addiction disorders. I had to get the for-sure deluxe one because I know I'd spend thrice the amount of the significantly cheaper one if my luck turned sour. I have to limit myself to one event a year (usukicon) or I'll hurt my finances (looks at pumpkin spice gacha not me spending unhealthy $$$)

MSPP was one of the pets that REALLY suffered from conversion so I'm pleased it was part of the first batch! Same with Usuki!

overall it's a net positive. I don't engage with the neo community and i have been avoiding pound chat (and forums) since the 2010s but I hear that it's kind of imploding right now. While I empathize with lost time spent trading and negotiating for pets that no longer hold value.. its worth remembering that value had a rly ugly black market and it was an aspect worth nipping in the butt. Hopefully trading will go back to pre-2010 where people actually traded for pets. But who knows.

The art... Its.. mixed feelings. The art is an improvement for sure, but idk if that improvement was a good thing. (pets like kiko lost some charm for sure.) cause a lot of what made old neo really charming was that it was kind of ugly? I've been staunchly against the softer shading style for a long time so it's refreshing to see & know that the old style of art is still possible.

So while overall I think its a good thing, what worries me most is that.... Well, I think it might be setting a... bad precedent for future ways of handling the site & it's monetization. I actually haven't seen a lot of people discussing it BUT... unlike a game like Fortnite or smth where skins don't affect gameplay- coloring your pet is a gameplay element of Neo! Being able to buy colors- be it UC (nostalgic now I guess?) or some of the body paints (I think they had like.. a cherry blossom one?) Is not.. not good. Buying paint brush colors should NOT be done with REAL WORLD MONEY, and I think the success of the Nostalgic pets is going to give World of Neopets a green light to keep doing that. (Heck, I don't even thing color-changing ITEMS for PETS should be allowed. Paint brushes are a core element of the site and its not like single-species colors aren't a thing.)

But maybe im being paranoid, it's not like Neopets has been a site for me for a long time. It feels like a glorified gachapon doll site these days and.. it's not the weird and kinda messed up site it used to be. I know they have a lot to do involving code but It's.. it's not.. going fast enough. Not when I see them doing shit like popping up stalls at cons.. you know how expensive that stuff is? a stall at comicon? Take that several thousand grand and hire a code engineer.

tldr: Nostalgics are a step in the correct direction, and it's SO good to see non-fisted pets!! but their implementation & monetization worries me.

[yonemurishiroku]

hey I just read your post abt where you answered an anon abt how even tho u kinda hate him u don't shit on him intentionally but would if promted or asked .that you would put it under percy hate tag and I just.....I respect so much rlly Ily and I'm can be like rlly pity sometimes and I wanna like u teach me ur ways

oh. wow. uhm. Thanks for your compliment, I guess? 😳 LOL I just think that letting people enjoy things was the least respect I can give to other media consumers.

Actually no. I just think that I don't have to waste my time hating something when I clearly can be dedicating my time and effort to those I love.

I hope I can teach you my ways but to be honest, since the day I came to know of the fandom culture, I've been instructed to respect others' choices of consumption. It came as a way of life, I think? Like basic manners in fandom space. I suppose it does have something with the fact that the Asian fandom, where I come from, has always been more lenient, dare I say respectful, and open in comparison with the Westerners, by which PJO thrives.

If I have to give you any advice though, I think I have a few that would help:

Before you send any hate, ask yourself if this is really worth your time, and if you'd be really feeling better if you engage with what you dislike.

Most of the time, it's just not worth it. Yeah maybe at that time, shitting on something you hate might sound fun, but at the end of the day, you'd only have burdened yourself with a sense of frustration and ruined others' fun. Try scrolling away the second you feel like you're not enjoying yourself. Pretend they don't exist. You'd forget about it like three minutes later. It helps a lot.

This is not real life. You can hardly (if ever) change someone's mind by arguing with them online. There's no need to trouble yourself, right?

Accept that whatever you like, there's always someone who dislikes it; and whatever you hate or feel disturbed at, there's always someone who's into that.

Because we're humans. and humans are self-centered at birth. we're not saints. we love and we hate as we'd like. it's just how we are. And it's fictional anyway. Who caressss. Let us love and let us hate.

This is... really a very simple thing in the Asian fandom, actually, but somehow the Westerners miss out. I've seen Twitter accounts condemning those who support pairings they disapprove of. I find it stupid and meaningless. Just. Don't. 😔😔😔

Which also means acknowledging your dislikes btw. You might figure out your reasons, but don't try justifying them. You hate whatever you don't like, that's all. Rant as you want. just avoid the fan's space. Don't jump into their sanctuary and commit blasphemy.

As I usually do, I might dislike Percy as he is, but I'm aware half of the fandom's in love with him, and that's okay! I know I don't like him though, so I stay away from his tag, and if I'm ranting I'm putting it somewhere fewer Percy fans can see. You wouldn't want to see hate in your blorbo tag now would you? It's just respect in its simplest form.

Fictional characters don't have rights. The only right they have is copyright. Just remember that the next time you feel offended in your blorbo's place.

However, I'm aware most of these just... don't apply to the wester fandom. yeah I don't know why either, everybody has this need for justice (their justice) somehow...

I suppose it'd be hard for you, but if you'd like to change your perspective to have a better, more peaceful fandom experience, I strongly recommend following the above.

I hope you have great experiences in this fandom culture. With love.

[whoreishghost]

i really am despairing and just hopeless in a way that i genuinely dont think ive been before and its rlly fucking with me. like, by all acounts, i am More supported than i have been before, and thats almost part of the problem? i feel ungrateful for feeling So Bad. i don't do Anything, i dont attend uni, i dont write my essays, i dont have a job, i dont clean my flat, i dont rlly cook a lot. of the things that Have to happen so we can continue to live in this flat, or i can continue to access medical services so my life doesnt get worse: those things are often put off way past the last minute and i need a lot of support to do at all. also, rn my life is mostly just calling A Service TM, getting a bullshit response, complaining, calling again, finally getting through to someone who knows whats going on, complaining, rinse repeat. ITS EXHAUSTING! not only that but sitting every day in bed or at my desk refreshing tumblr or staring at my screen saver thinking to myself 'what am i going to do?' and coming to the conclusion of nothing because i have nothing to do, i enjoy nothing, i want nothing, i cant concentrate long enough on anything or process information well enough to do things Anyway. ykw its not even true i dont Want to do anything. i do. i Want to write my essays, on some level i am genuinely interested in the topics. i just Cant. i want to read. i've been pretty keen on reading complaint by sarah ahmed for a while now or maybe rereading whipping girl or even giving notes on suicide another go? but i cant make myself start because i Know that i wont get far and its so fucking depressing. im getting so high, the come down is genuinely distressing because of how scrambled and disorganised my brain becomes and i become so afraid i will be like that forever. and yet i do it EVERY DAY! im struggling extremely badly with some interpersonal shit that has completely destroyed any self esteem or confidence i had in my appearance and my worth. add onto that that i am a massive Massive financial drain and even if i wasnt our finances are just.. Bad? so i was like, ok, fssw time again, that wont be too bad, i can do that. and then i fucking set up by whore phone and downloaded the grindr apk (and it was fucking horrible and evil to do and i hate that evil horrible useless phone) (also did u know u need to send in id for age verification on google now? 101 internet safety says to not do that are u crazy?) and started getting dms and i wanted to cry i got so overwhelmed. like idk if i can do it, but like.. i kinda gotta? idk man. im trying to see things positively? like, i got the form for the work capability assessment and spent all of yesterday photocopying medical letters which detail diagnoses and assessments and reference hospitilisations, etc but also the dwp are evil so who knows if its enough? im trying to get my pip reevaluated but they havent even sent me the Form for that yet? so again! who! knows! i feel like im in beurocracy hell and i cant leave? my uni are trying to work with me, but multuple medical professionals have told me to interrupt or drop out and like if people who are meant to be like have something in your life to keep you going dont think i can do it, what chance do i have of Actually doing it? i dont know what to do anymore.

[philipr05]

day one - finding guidance

hi, anyone who finds my blog.. a friend recommended tumblr to me, and the idea of having a blog sounds really nice! i'll try to post every night around this time with daily thoughts and stuff.

today was a hard day. not because i had a lot to do, but because it's just hard to think about where my life is going, and what my future holds. my grades are a mess, school isn't going so great, and it all feels like it's crashing down all at once..

it's hard to find balance in a world that moves a thousand times quicker than you can. it's hard to live up to expectations that are placed on you by the society we live in. it's hard to keep your head up high.

in this kind of world, scripture can provide a lot of guidance

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

when thinking about how i could possibly find guidance from anywhere in such a crazy world, this verse is something i can think of- easy to remember, and one of the first verses i learned as a young child. everytime i turn to God's word, i feel comforted. but yet i feel guilty or sad. why?..

i feel as though my relationship with the Lord is one sided. i don't always live in a way according to the way God wants me to live, and i feel i am not deserving of the love and compassion he has to offer. it's hard to lead a life that is in accordance with God. it's even harder when i've have tried to find the Lord so many times- but just can't feel the connection between Him and i. faith becomes thin, and it's easy to go astray.

the thing about any relationship is the idea of putting in as much work as the other entity. God loves and cares for me, so in return, i have to find ways in my own life to praise and acknowledge him. a goal i have for myself is to find time in my life where i can build my relationship with Him. praying and talking with him, meditating on His Word, attending church more often and making it a priority- those are things that i wish i can do more. and by doing those things i hope i can finally find that click in my relationship with the Lord, and be comforted in his guidance.

spiritual life is hard to maintain, but the promise that God provides is worth more than anything.

~

lately, i've been getting more and more into the world of classical music. i find that classical music conveys richer emotions in ways that lyrical music just cannot. bach cello suite no. 6 in D major has been up on my charts recently.. rachmaninov piano concerto no.3 and brahms symphony no. 2 are also recent favs. i want to make music a bigger part of my life. i don't want to go far as majoring in it in college, but recently i've come to realize it's something i never want to give up. i play in a youth orchestra now, and i hope i can continue to play in an orchestra when i go to college in a year and a half. playing the viola, i've found, has helped me become a more *characteristic* human being, it allows me to be more expressive and free with my emotions. i never want to let that go.

~

i recently went to go eat korean bbq with some of my friends. its always a super cool vibe- grilling the meat with kpop playing in the background. it rlly doesn't get much better than that.

other than that this long weekend has been all eat, sleep, and practice. concert in one week, and tons of tests and hw coming up.

in conclusion, i really need to find that balance and guidance in my life. i need to put in more work in order to be a better person, to build my spiritual life, and to become happier.

there's a long week ahead but i'm going to approach it head on with some grit. summer is right around the corner..

with sincerity 💌, philip, 2/21/23, 02:24:00

[jewpacabruhs]

I genuinely wish it were possible to scroll through the kyman tag for more than five minutes without encountering hate. Like, I hey people being uncomfortable with the ship and disliking it, but they don't have to go out of their way to be mean and tag their hate? I find it kind of funny when it's people like the guys who made the microceleb au who say the most demented vile shit on a daily basis (cool, it's south park) but are so childishly malicious and prudish about kyman? Like, this is south park tumblr, we are all in the circus together

i know right :( honestly... i dont wanna get into ship morality discourse, but my general thought on that is we've strayed far too far from a good ol 'this thing squicks me out, im gonna avoid it and focus on what i like' mentality. remember 'dont like, dont read' from the fanfic dot net days? we need that back. i have a handful of ships that make me very deeply uncomfortable - yknow what i do? i block the tag and i dont think about it ever bc its not worth my time. maybe if i run into smth ill complain in private, but im not gonna waste time policing other ppl's fandom experience when there's much more important stuff going on in the world. i think problematic ship discourse is one of the silliest, most chronically online things in the world. like you said - it's south park, greg. fandom is meant to be a fun hobby, and a lot of people have turned it into a miserable and extremely puritan lifestyle. curate ur fandom experience, keep it fun, dont dwell on negative bullshit . best advice i can give.

as for this microceleb au thing, i had to google it cuz i have no idea what the hell ur talkin abt fsdjkfd. i am so fantastically out of loop w the sp fandom - and thank g-d, honestly. im still fond of south park and cartman & kyman are still in my all-time fav characters + ships, but as a south park fandom veteran, lemme tell you - this is one of the most... bizarre fandoms ive been in, let's say that. i was gonna say worst, but that's simply not true, because there's a lot of really great talent and i have a tremendous amount of respect and fondness for a lot of rlly wonderful creative artists n writers ive had the pleasure of knowing. but there's like... a culture thats specific to the sp fandom, thats just a bit... rancid. my sp fixation seems to be recurrent, but if i ever come back im gonna tread the fandom carefully cuz its just very easy to get sucked into nonsense. but that being said, i havent been active in it for a few years now. might be totally different now. doesnt fully sound like it, though

[lorisystem]

Sorry about to be negative but need vent

So i had a rlly difficult day and tbh this probably doesnt help but these thoughts i have them all the time its a constant opinion and not just a negative spiral. Although right now feeling this a lot and affecting me more than usual

Anyway like i got back from paid leave last week and my job is like rlly demanding. Im gonna say for me because my threshold for difficult is really low. But yea its just the workload is fairly heavy, theres a lot of pressure, and theres a lot of drama etc. To be fair my neurotypical coworkers are also struggling etc.

But anyway one of the things about paid leave is that when you are able to be off for enough days in a row (like 3 weeks in my case) it really feels like. I was fine during paid leave enjoying my little life doing whatever i wanted being paid etc. You go back to work and its like. Why am i subjecting myself to this. Why. Whats the point. It doesnt even matter. Do i have to even? Why did we all decide to just be doing this. So whatever but thats one thing going on etc

Idkkkk if its like. Haha seasonal or what but im having slightly more suicidal ideation than usual. Like this is not worrying at all like im not in danger or anything. Disclaimer i wont do anything etc. And im saying this completely deadpan non emotionally- Buttt like to give an idea even at my happiest / euphoric i always think of dying as a good thing. I rlly have a hard time finding anything worth it. Literally best i can do is "yeah for this reason i can endure until i die of natural/accidental causes but rlly glad that it does end at some point". So thats my baseline i live like this and most of the time im fine cause like, my number one priority in life is to avoid whatever causes me suffering and stress and like the thing about suicide is that non violent methods are inaccessible to me which i think is unethical but thats my own issue lol. So basically as long as my life is less painful than suicide im at no risk of dying and i do my best to minimize suffering, doing fine on that, so everything is fine. Alright

But like anyway i was thinking that my number one problem in life currently and idk how to solve it its impossible right?

Is like. I want to live a life where i can be myself/not mask. That is to say be authentically who i am speak like i think act like i think dress how i want use the pronouns i use etc (im talking about displaying asd traits, dressing weird, being trans, ace, polyam queer etc) like just harmless things that are my core personality and defining traits right. AND be respected as a human being.

That is to say like id like to go outside and participate in society sometimes without having to pretend to be "normal" and also at the same time to not get weird looks, not get nasty looks, not get catcalled, not get harassed, not get commented upon, not get someone coming up to me to comment on my outfit or be mean to me, not get someone feeling entitled to treat me as subhuman, not stalked, not at fear of being assaulted, not get rumors spread about me, not followed around, not preyed upon etc etc just for existing <3 bc i dare to look abnormal and vulnerable ppl notice and think im not human.

Ive had all those happen to me and thankfully nothing too bad either like it happens to some ppl so i will display a certain amount of disgusting gratefulness bc of course i have some privilege so there is obviously way worse than me. Somehow still enough to make me traumatized and agoraphobic!

I just want to exist and that its ok and that ppl dont wonder if thats ok if they should take advantage of me or try to help and correct whatever is wrong with me.

And that is too much to ask! Its literally too much to ask.

We live in a world where we cant expect especially marginalized ppl, to be respected. To exist outside or in public etc and just not get someone to make us understand thats somth is wrong with us.

I have to pretend to be normal, all this effort so at the end of the day not only am i dead inside but also i still know ppl think theres still somth off about me.

So anyway this is my pipe dream and the reason ill never think anything is good or worth it. Is there in the world a happy place like this? I think about it all the time, where is the land i can be happy and ppl act normal to me.

Anyway a dream ive had is to save up and buy a house on a mortgage and like. I have a good salary at the moment for a single person, its pretty good. But my spouse is struggling to find a job and anything resembling takes a lot of energy from them so idk if its viable long term even and on my salary alone thats impossible. So idk. And like thats fine but its sad cause my spouse is rlly depressed about it etc.... capitalism does this to us.. yk how it is..

Im thinking maybe i should just attempt to start a thing to get disability aid or somth which is. The amount is basically only the minimum to live for one person if you leave in a shoebox and have no expense. So like the quality of life for myself and my spouse would seriously decrease in terms of living space and other nice things so like meh. But most importantly id have to get reevaluated every few years etc at risk of losing it if i stop qualifying it. Which can reasonably happen even if the doctor i have changes and they decide no longer disabled or someth even. That is if i even get it cause like i am actually capable at least for now to work full time in the way i do. Sucks the whole time, but capable. So idk what to do. Maybe i reduce my time of work. Idk. The fear of losing the disability is rlly too much for me too like. I have no financial support if that happens i cant count on my family at all for anything. Im too scared/traumatized by poverty to not have stability.

Honestly i think its just this forever then? Ig i should make another therapy appointment but last time my therapist said something that set me off and now i dont wanna go again its so dumb cause i rlly like her and been w her for like. Idk almost 2 years now. And she just said one thing which i think even she meant nothing by it and now im just like. I rlly hate that its happening i just feel the ick.

I was telling this to my spouse too like when you repress your emotions so much all the time you stop feeling sadness or anger etc you just feel the ick. Like profoundly uncomfortable with no words to put on it rlly

So thats going on for me ♡ sorry for being negative though just going through my mind but ill be ok etc

[beaniepanini]

091923 21:00

friends appreciation post even tho i have a rlly bad migraine and am abt to pass out. havent been rlly feeling okay for these past few months now for a lot of reasons so it was nice to know that ppl cared abt me. it was my first time experiencing having ppl give me a whole cake as a surprise. i wanted to cry in happiness earlier when my friends surprised me with it but i didnt cuz thats embarrassing lol but im feeling rlly sentimental!! maybe cuz I've been sad a lot that these past few days feel a lot brighter around them. i love how they put extra thought into their gifts too, giving me a sunflower lego set and a cute pop-up frog toy. apple seems to put other ppl first instead of her own but im happy to see she has gio to be the one to give her what she deserves, they're rlly cute.

i guess my top favorite so far is the video lory compiled bcuz I didn't think i was worth that much effort and i'll admit that i cried when i saw it. i always wanted someone to do that for me. it's been a thought in the back of my head a lot, and seeing it be real made me sob. I'll admit that i watched it a bunch of times and saved it as well.

plus i got to spend some time with my friends i dont share a class with anymore which was always thru pure chance. the other day i was walking to the bus stop when i saw my friends from last term. i rode home with them. one of then i even shared a cab ride with and we kept talking the whole time which was nice. i mean im still sad but its getting better which i think is ok. i'll be okay.

part of me thinks i dont deserve any happiness for the things I've done, but baby steps i guess.