#but i mean i wrote it KNOWING that can happen so like

[nerdcrawfish]

Jumping off Shibara. (Also in writing this I'm going to be hounding women in the first part SOLELY because I'm writing from the predominate western society/US idea that there are two genders and that anything not man equals women. Which I don't agree with at all. I'm analyzing them, not condoning them.)

No, you can clearly tell with things like the "new" trilogy of Star Wars or Supernatural that this phenomenon is a thing with some male writers. The idea of non-males being in "nerdy" areas is uncomfortable for them because of numerous reasons. One, it stops just being "their" thing. Female fans especially are seen as lesser/"fans of poor quality materials". AND then the classic: "I don't know how to see women/non-men as equal human beings because I (imparted by society) have this idealized idea of women and them being in my nerdy stuff does NOT align with my mental schemata at all!" Ever played MTG as a non-male at a card shop? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

In general, there is discomfort at so many levels from not matching in schemata, to what defines women, to the idea that we're intruding in "their space", the idea of "biology", to even the idea that they have to act, write, and do things different because a women is around.

There's a shitton of baggage in society about women and non-males in nerdy spaces. It's waaayyy better now, but it still happens A LOT. It still is prevalent and it WILL be getting worse now that Diet Sunkist is in back in office and all the waves of social conservatism is going to be re-surging JUST like you got locked in an overflowing porta-potty and some asshole just ran into it with their double wide Texas Made Ford truck.

(Oh and I can and happily talk about the overlap of neo-nazism and online queer spaces and this need for conservatism and how that keeps translating over to over policing and fandom hate of queer stories in a moment). And yes a lot of authors hate our existence in "their" spaces just as much as their nerdy fanboys do.

Furman will ALWAYS be the classic example because he constantly refuses to allow the idea of female transformers. This is because he sees war fighting robots as only male. This harks back to the fact that the conversation of whether women can fight has it's root so far back in history, especially white history, because women are seen only as a resource to be kept and protected. (Hence the overturning of Roe V Wade and that awful man's "You don't have a choice!" video) And even if he keeps saying he sees them as nonbinary he is using male oriented schemata in his writing--he's using hegemonic markers of masculinity in his writing and the making of his Transformer Characters. He writes them so overwhelmingly male that you and I know--based on so many context clues and tells--that Optimus Prime is male. I very much doubt Furman does see them as non-binary (especially because I doubt he has any actual understanding of what that would even mean) and is instead trying to stay above fandom ire.

So Furman--overwhelmingly yes. He hates women being in his nerdy robot stuff. He loves our money and attention but just like Picasso, we're nothing more than some pretty fancy furniture that is pretty one moment and beyond infuriating the next with our "needs" and "equality".

BUT you're going to look me in the fucking eye and tell me ROBERTS is the same as Furman? HA.

No, MTMTE/LL is a fucking LOVE LETTER to the transformers community. He pointed at us--ALL OF US--and said: "This one goes out for my homies!"

But just like we talked about entitlement of authors? Oh there is a definite entitlement when it comes to fans, too. It was pungent as HELL when MTMTE/LL was running and it was why I always stayed off of social media and had so many people blocked. Like Shibara says: just because they wrote something that you don't like doesn't mean it's bad writing. IT ALSO doesn't mean it's an attack on you.

AND I will say that censorship/Neo-nazisim is RANK in this ideology. It festers uncontrollably in this shit swamp of a psychological lens. The ideology that someone is bad/attacking you because of what they write/create is based on two things: you belief in your superiority AND that it means that you thus get to dictate others around you. This ideology, however, gives little young knuckleheads the idea that they're the good guys and that there are bad guys that need to be hurt based on shit like a book. This is why censorship has, and always will (pick up any fucking history book please), lead to people dying.

It also has permeated its way into queer spaces online. It's a fucking fact. Look at the rates of young Polish voters--who in the same breath support queer rights but at the same time believe anyone who isn't "the right type of polish" (white) needs to be removed from the country. The day that Republicans realize if they accept queer rights that they will be able to win all the races and reinstall Jim Crow laws to the fucking max in the US is one I dread immensely. You can try to argue with me, sure, but it's one I've been tracking as a child and is why we are seeing so much support for nativist/neo-nazi groups across the Western Globe. Like, do we not recall the party gymnastics France had to do a little bit ago to avoid the hella RACIST National Party from getting so much leverage? Anyways, I digress.

Roberts wrote a piece of work that acknowledged the fact (like most of the IDW 2005 run did) that we are adults. Not like the stuff Hasbro always like to run--which is just some moving forms to elicit mediocre bonding in the wish to sell cheap pieces of plastic to little kids (which hey man, you do you). (Okayy, so I'm thinking more of the general we have to keep rebooting our lines every other week and that when it starts getting serious/the writers are flourishing, oh surprise! we're getting cut short!)

No, we're talking more like the TF Marvel Comics (oh yeah baby) especially the UK side of the house--this media was always for the more mature sets of the demographic/fans. More of your older kind of teen boy--but there's a huge difference in that from say rescue Bots (which cute but doesn't have the je ne sais quoi (<--sarcastic usage) of let's say the idea of Spiderman being disgusted with Ratchet because Ratchet didn't cry over his friends being torn apart. This requires a difference of thinking and isn't a stereotypical "good ending". It's meant to invoke a sense of defeat and that shitty feeling of being misunderstood. Like we KNOW Ratchet is a great guy and that his buddies are fine because he's a medic and will just fix them up. BUT Spiderman, another fantastic guy, isn't aware of that and hates Ratchet nonetheless! It's meant to make you not feel good but provides a delicious depth of things like perceptions and not taking time to actually connect with and understand others.

So Roberts was writing not to the original demographic of the G1 Cartoon but to those us who grew up with it. To the ones of us who grew up reading and watching the original runs of so much Transformers material. And, brilliantly, I would add, acknowledged the fact that a lot of fandoms are indeed filled with, like said before, 20+ women.

He wrote MTMTE/LL with the target demographic of adults. Now, we usually associate that with age but in my time in college, working part-time and being amongst y'all--I've learned that you can be 67 and still be an immature stupid piece of shit who got their High School degree as a participation award.

Knowing that, I am arguing he put in a BIG FUCKING NOTICE that "Hey, this isn't G1 cartoon transformers! If you're here for that TURN BACK" with the fact that Ratchet is introduced literally doing an autopsy. And in order to do an autopsy--someone needs to be dead. Whirl is desecrating fucking corpses. And by the end, 40 plus bots are falling like meteors burning up in the fucking atmosphere of a planet. Oh and the entire playback message of: "Oh my primus everything is horrible and terrible-- we fucked up--STOP THE LAUNCH"

Roberts explicitly--so fucking explicitly that even if you have the reading comprehension of a peanut--you would understand just from Issue 1 that bots were going to die, the story is going to be dark, and be just how like my life motto goes: "Life is short, painful and shitty and those who don't deserve to suffer or die always end up doing just that. So let's fucking go." (said with a morbid sense of optimism! :D )

He wrote for us, as adults. And as an adult, he talked to us as an adult. He broached topics that hurt--a lot. And he was happy to see when we hurt because that meant he did his fucking job well.

Every time you feel nothing about a death in a story--that means the writer fucking sucked. Every time I write a fanfic and I have people screaming in my comments--it gives me delight BECAUSE that means I successfully got you to connect. I gave you all the right tells, I used the right structure, I used the right language and every FUCKING THING in my arsenal as a writer to share the beautiful pain that I went through in thinking up this story.

Just like he was, I'm beyond delighted because we're essentially bonding. I'm sharing my brain's secretions that have both delighted and tormented me for months going on years with you and you're feeling the same things. You're fucking feeling. My story isn't just some shitty words on a page--no it's a fucking story.

Roberts told us a story. He sat us down and told us a story. As equals.

And the reason why AI will fucking NEVER live up to actual living creators is because it doesn't have anything to give. It doesn't have any ability to connect.

Furman sucks as a writer for us because he refuses to connect to us if we're not like him.

Roberts has and always will respect every single one of us and has always been a fan--just like us.

[youvebeengalindafied]

This is all @polyarmy and @fiyeroba ‘s fault for making me sad about Glinda again so now I’m posting my whole Glinda Meta here (originally an obnoxiously long dm sent to @gamorahww who is a patient saint)

You’ve asked for it, and now you get……The Glinda Meta™

First: I have been obsessed w/ Glinda's character for like 15 years. She is my roman empire. But I also really LIKE her as a flawed character - something that the fandom has always seemed to be a little uncomfortable with.

She is, to me, what Jane Austen once wrote about Emma:

“I am going to write a heroine whom no one but myself will much like.”

Full meta character analysis under the cut. Uh. Strap in.

(This gets a lil long sorry, but PLEASE HEAR ME OUT -)

To me, the interesting thing is what actually - ACTUALLY - motivates Glinda to act the way she does is so much greater and deeper than a simple desire for success/fame/popularity.

Like obviously in literature/critique of narrative, we have this idea of protagonists vs supporting characters. Supporting characters might have philosophies or goals that drive them (think Nessa and Boq) but those philosophies and goals are usually not developed into self-contradictory nuance the way a protagonist's motivations are. They’re just facts about the character.

And in my option, a big problem in the wicked fandom is that everybody seems to treat Glinda as a supporting character whose motivations are easy to digest. To most fans, she's either the girlfriend who is there to support Elphaba's story by being "loving but conflicted." Or to critics she's entirely selfish and cruel (even as she's fun and interesting), and therefore a semi-antagonist

But if you step back and treat Glinda as a true antihero protagonist of Wicked (for the sake of the mental character study), you see that she's not actually motivated by love or popularity or even success....what drives her is desperation.

Glinda sees her world as a place that cannot be changed and will only work to destroy those who cannot correctly operate in it. And she is SO DESPERATE to avoid that. Elphaba's fate is actually her worst fear - she cannot break away from society and leap to a new fate, because she is the ultimate cynic who thinks there is no way that could possibly work. In fact, it's an enormous testament to her love (however you want to intepret that) of Elphaba that she's even willing to consider leaving during Defying Gravity. For a brief moment, her immense, incredible faith in Elphaba is almost enough to overcome her complete desperation to survive the horrible world she thinks she's in.

And that obviously means that she's not as noble as Elphaba or as brave as Fiyero as a character - she cannot make the choice to leave when both of them do at different points - but that's because she's the most "human" character in the story. Most people are not brave enough to become international terrorists, even in the face of great evil. We might join in a developed cause, but to knowingly walk towards what is likely one's death to change a system you know you’ll actually have very little effect on...that takes a very special kind of person. And while Glinda is a GOOD person, she is too much a cynic and too desperate to survive her crazy world to become that impossible standard of the Rebel or the Hero. She's just a flawed, scared girl, in circumstances she never dreamed she’d be in.

And then the craziest thing happens:

Rather than showing Glinda that she should have been brave and done what E and F did, the narrative instead goes and basically confirms all her darkest fears: Elphaba rebels...and her revolution fails, and Glinda loses her best friend to bitter hatred and insanity for most of Act 2. Fiyero decides to leave and do the right thing by going with Elphaba....and he is almost immediately murdered in a horrible, violent way as punishment for it. This can only reinforce for Glinda that the State/the System/the World is all-powerful, and she must bow to it.

But that's the most fascinating moment for her character, because the very moment she realizes the absolute overwhelming power of the system (March of the Witch Hunters) is also the very moment that chooses to die rather than perpetuating it. She leaves the City to approach Elphaba - whom Glinda thinks POSSIBLY WANTS TO KILL HER - and BEGS Elphaba to not die. Begs Elphaba to stop her self-sacrificial madness. Begs Elphaba to allow Glinda to sacrifice herself instead ("Then I'll go, I'll tell everybody the truth!" "No! They'll just turn against you!" "I DON'T CARE!" - this girl who is entirely motivated by survival is straight up throwing it all on the line ready to walk to her death at the hands of a mob with wide open, unblinking eyes)

And obviously, in doing so, she is making the same choice that Fiyero did earlier in the story, But the huge difference is that Fiyero is a classic case of a "dead from the beginning" character, and he does not have the same motivations as her. He starts as a nhilist already embracing death in Dancing Through Life and his character is not somebody who is desprate to survive - his character is driven by a desperation for a faith. And Elphaba (and her cause) is his faith that he happily martyrs himself for.

By contrast, Glinda is terrified of the system that is trying to kill her, and she is desperate to survive it. She sees the way it takes everything form her, again and again, destroying everything she loves - Elphaba, Fiyero, her own sense of goodness…

(And she is extremely genre-aware that she is in a tragedy: her world isn't fair, and she knows that Elphaba will fail. She knows this will all go wrong.)

But Glinda still has such strength of character that she - in the end - overcomes all of her fear, all of her weaknesses, and humbles herself at the pyre to join the people she loves so much in their fate. She both offers to die for Elphaba and she takes up Elphaba's work and dedicates her entire life to it, consequences be damned. And that comes from a place of ultimate love and goodness, despite all of her flaws and all the temptations dissuading her.

Because Glinda is not Elphaba or Fiyero - she isn't a starry-eyed optimistic rebel or a man with a obsessive, loving faith. She is just a girl. Just Emma. And she is extremely flawed, and has so many fears that push and pull at her in a way the other main characters do not experience. But despite being so painfully, humanly defective, her goodness allows her to do the right thing in the end.

tl;dr - the greatest thing about Glinda’s character is that she is flawed, and she is weak and makes all the wrong choices. But in the end, she humbles herself completely - to the point of offering her own life for Elphaba and taking the whole weight of the world on her shoulders despite all her fear - because she is ultimately good.

And thus in the end, she becomes the person that Elphaba so clearly sees her as throughout the story: good, caring, and able to make real change in the world. She will now try desperately to fully live up to Elphaba's incredible faith in her. And it's so heartbreaking and tragic, but also one of the best character arcs ever.

So I guess it's less "wants to stay safe in her bubble" and more "she sees no option other than to stay safe. The State/System is all-powerful and there is nothing she thinks she can do to change that. But the beauty of the character lies in her decision to step out of that bubble anyways."

—

BONUS: Glinda’s flaws in relation to her relationship with Elphaba

(Or why Gelphie is a devastating ship (romantically or not) but not in the way you think)

This section dedicated to the SJB/AA performance that just BREAKS ME.

Elphaba basically sees Glinda through some WILDLY rose-tinted glasses (which is just. such a fascinating insight into elphaba’s character). Which is why a good chunk of the fandom accepts it as fact that Glinda is ~not actually all that flawed~ or is somehow being forced to make the decisions she is (she is not. the narrative point of Fiyero’s character is to prove that lol)

Glinda is very much complicated and does make some truly terrible decisions. Elphaba just sees and believes the good in her, despite everything she does (because it’s also a fact of the story that - either platonically or romantically - she’s clearly a little in love with Glinda. (The passes she gives that girl…)). I don’t think her weird thing about Glinda is particularly rational, but it is undeniably all-consuming.

And that makes their relationship feel VERY human. Their flaws don't make them unworthy of each other’s love and respect and friendship. Elphaba's love of Glinda is pretty crazy in light of how much Glinda’s morals and choices differ from her own, but that’s the kind of love that real, sometimes illogical people have. Anybody trying to prove the logic or compatibility of the characters is kinda missing the point - it doesn’t make sense, and THAT’S how you know it’s love.

(Brief aside: similar to Elphaba’s obsession with Glinda, Fiyero is also irrationally obsessed with Elphaba. I mean, she kinda sucks at the whole revolution thing (she's trying!!) and he's clearly starry-eyed ignoring a LOT of her flaws lol. In contrast - for better or worse, Glinda does see Elphaba's flaws and calls them out, just as Elphaba sees Fiyero's flaws and calls him out. It’s a nice little circular relationship)

But…but….is it gay???

Sure. I think so - but I’m a lesbian who has shipped it since I was a preteen lol. But that’s also NOT THE POINT, and focusing on only the romantic angle of their relationship REALLY ignores just how layered and complex it is.

Taking off my squee shipping glasses for a minute: they’re fundamentally just two people in some version of an EXTREMELY intense relationship. I honestly think Glinda reads as a little terrified of how insanely intense her relationship is with Elphaba. She fears walking down that road and fully falling into that intense, all-consuming love. (And we literally learn why later through Fiyero’s ‘death’ and Elphaba’s insanity - love makes you do some crazy things, and Glinda can’t afford that in this world.)

Regardless of whether you interpret them romantically or not - it’s clear they’re very intense about each other and Glinda is very afraid that Elphaba is her weakness. Unfortunately, Elphaba is also her soulmate and the love of her life, and she’ll always come back again. That fact will ruin Glinda’s life in the end, but it will have been worth it for all the love that was there

[jjkamochoso]

hiii

idk if u take reqs rn or not feel free to ignore this

so i was thinking abt jjk guys and how they would react if u couldn't have a baby... like you want to but can't :(

i know this is a heavy subject and super angsty so i understand if u don't wanna do it

have a great day <333

Hello☺️ thank you so much for sending in this request! I’m always up for writing super angsty/sensitive topics so thank you for trusting me with this one, I hope I did it justice! I wrote this with a cis female reader in mind and only did the older characters if that’s alright, I didn’t feel comfortable writing this for any of the under 18 students. Also, if anyone is struggling with this irl, just know my heart is with you and you’re no less of a person just because you struggle with fertility issues❤️ sending all of you lots of love!🫶❤️

JJK Men Reacting to You Unable to Have a Baby

Angst, Fluff

JJK Men x f!reader

Warnings: sensitive topic at hand! Fertility issues and mentions of doctor’s appointments (nothing graphic); slight cussing in Gojo’s

Noritoshi:

You quickly entered your residence, shutting the front door as fast as you could. You didn’t want to be noticed by anyone right now, especially not a member of the Kamo clan, which was difficult seeing as you lived with your husband Noritoshi at his family’s expansive compound. Little did you know, the Kamo you dreaded to see the most right now was already waiting for you.

“Welcome back. How was your appointment?” asked Noritoshi, pouring two cups of tea. You gulped, trying to keep your tears at bay.

“The doctor said I’m unable to have a baby,” you said in a hushed tone, the news feeling all too real now that you said it out loud. Noritoshi was by your side immediately, tea cups abandoned on the countertop.

“There’s no chance ever?” he asked in a gentle tone.

“Never.” The dam inside you broke, tears overflowing. “Oh Noritoshi, what are we going to do? I can’t give you a baby of our own! We wanted this so bad,” you sobbed. Noritoshi pulled you into his chest, holding you close as you fell apart.

“What are we going to tell your family?” you continued. “We can’t have an heir; I’m going to get you disowned. We’ll have no house, no money, no child-”

“Enough of that,” he interrupted firmly but lovingly, his eyes finding yours as he opted to hold your shaking hands. “My clan will do no such thing. And even if they did, as long as I have you, I’d still be the richest man in the world.”

“But I can’t have a baby,” you sniffled. “We can’t have a baby.”

“I know it’s what we hoped for and I can’t imagine the burden you must be feeling right now,” he said, wiping your tears with his thumb, “but none of this is your fault. You might not be able to carry a child but that doesn’t mean we can’t raise one. We can always explore options like adoption in the future if that’s something you’d like. For now, though, let us grieve this loss so when we’re ready, we can step into the future with renewed hope and optimism.”

You nodded in agreement, grateful for the tissue he provided you along with the lingering kiss pressed to your forehead. It wasn’t going to be an easy journey ahead of you, but with the level headed, caring Noritoshi by your side, you knew you would be just fine.

Todo:

Leaving your doctor’s appointment, you felt numb. It was like your mind refused to process what the doctor had told you: you were unable to have a baby. You didn’t know how to tell Aoi, your husband. You two had dreamt of having kids for a long time and you didn’t want to break his heart with this horrible revelation.

As if he had heard your thoughts, you felt your phone vibrate and saw it was him calling. You sighed, knowing it was probably better to rip off the proverbial bandaid.

“Hey, beautiful. How was everything at your appointment?” he asked.

“Truthfully? Not good.” You bit your lip to stop from crying.

“What happened? Are you alright?”

“No, I’m not alright,” you confessed, tears already starting to fall down your cheeks, “I can’t get pregnant, Aoi. I can’t have a baby.”

At that point, you were practically sobbing in the city street.

“I’m coming to pick you up, honey, don’t worry. Are you still at the hospital?”

“No, Aoi, I’m fine-” you protested through your cries, but he wasn’t having it.

“I won’t let you go through this alone. Please, let me be there for you right now.”

You heard his voice tremble the slightest bit through the phone’s receiver and you realized he needed you as much as you needed him right now.

“Okay,” you whispered.

“I’m on my way. Don’t hang up, I want to hear your gorgeous voice until I can see your gorgeous face.”

That got you to crack a smile for the first time all day.

When Aoi finally showed up, he wrapped you into a tight hug, not daring to let go or caring who sees.

“Whatever the challenge, we’re up against it as a team. I’ll always be by your side, no matter what life throws at us,” he told you, giving your lips a soft kiss before taking you in his arms once more. “We can talk about this more when we get home but right now I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Ino:

You were grateful that Ino wanted to come with you to your doctor’s appointment since you hated going alone, especially when the nature of the appointment had to do with your reproductive health.

It was also extremely helpful to have your husband there for support when you received devastating news from your doctor.

“I’m so sorry Ms. L/n, but you’re completely unable to conceive.”

Ino anxiously grabbed onto your hand. “Do you mean right now, for the foreseeable future, or like… forever?”

“Unfortunately, Mr. Takuma, I mean forever. She will never be able to carry a baby.”

You sat there, dumbfounded, unable to create even a single thought as your world crashed down around you. Sensing your anguish, the doctor stepped out of the room to let you two have a few minutes alone.

The room was deathly quiet, the only sound being the tick of a clock on the wall and your heart pounding in your chest.

“What are we gonna do?” you eventually said, your mouth dry as a desert. You turned to look at the man next to you, tears finally filling up your eyes. “Ino?”

“I… I don’t know,” he responded with a defeated tone and tearing up as well. “I…”

You were both at a loss for words. You registered Ino’s hand leaving your own, the empty feeling mirroring how you felt inside, until he brought you into a bone crushing hug, his tears soaking your shoulder.

“We’re gonna get through this,” he said, sniffling, “we have to. This sucks now, and it’s gonna suck for a long time after this, but we still have each other which is more than I could ever hope for.”

“Are you sure?” you asked, your voice small. “You’d be alright if we didn’t have a kid?”

He gave you an adoring smile. “Of course I’d be alright. If having a baby of our own isn’t in the cards for us, that doesn’t mean we can’t raise a kid. We could look into adoption or who knows, maybe we could pull a Nanami and find ourselves mentoring our own little Ino.”

The giggle you let out was a testament to the strength of your relationship and Ino’s commitment to always keep your spirits up when times get extremely tough.

Gojo:

You finally let out the shuddered breath that you had been holding ever since you left your doctor’s appointment. You had gone in because you and Satoru had been trying for a baby for over a year now and still hadn’t made any progress. What the doctor figured out, though, was what you had been dreading this entire time but prayed wasn’t the case.

“Hey! How was it?” Satoru’s chirpy voice rang out in your apartment, causing your eyes to well with tears.

“Not good,” you called out. Satoru was in the living room with you in an instant, a frown gracing his pink lips.

“Eh? What happened?”

“The doctor said I can’t have a baby, Satoru. We can’t… we can’t start the family we always wanted.”

You sat on the couch, numbness taking over. You felt tears roll down your cheeks but you barely registered them. You could hardly acknowledge your husband wrapping his long arms around you to comfort you (and himself).

“No baby, no future heir. I’ve single-handedly ruined our chances at continuing the Gojo clan.” You looked up at the white haired man. “Satoru, I’m sorry-”

“Y/n, please. I don’t care about any of that shit. There’s, like, a million of us anyway,” he said, waving his hand nonchalantly. “I wanted to start a family with you because I love you. If we can’t do it the fun old fashioned way, I’m sure we can look into adoption if you’re up for that. If it ends up just being us two, I’m fine with that as well. As long as I have you, I’m happy.”

“Thank you,” you whispered, cuddling into his side. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the top of your head, holding onto you a little tighter.

Geto:

“Darling, you got a letter in the mail today,” Suguru greeted as he walked inside. You took the envelope from him outstretched hand and gasped.

“It’s from my doctor,” you replied, nervously ripping it open. You had been waiting for results about the state of your fertility since you and Suguru weren’t having any luck having a baby on your own. You pulled out the paper and read through each sentence quickly, until one practically punched you in the gut.

…which indicates you are unable to carry pregnancy to term.

The paper fell gracefully from your grasp, landing on the floor, and you felt like you were about to join it with the way your knees were buckling.

“Take a seat, my love,” Suguru said worriedly, holding you up and guiding you to the nearest chair. He bent over and picked up the paper, reading it as well. Even in your despair you saw the way his expression fell, probably feeling just as crestfallen as you were.

“I’m sorry I can’t give us what we wanted,” you choked out, putting your head in your hands. He was by your side in no time, kneeling down to meet your gaze.

“Y/n, look at me.” You did so, wiping your nose with a tissue. “This isn’t an ideal situation but you’re not to blame. We’ll figure something out.”

“But the girls, they wanted a little sibling.”

“But at least we have them,” he reasoned, causing you to nod in agreement. “And I have you. That’s all I’ve ever wished to have. Anything else is a happy bonus.”

He took a handkerchief from his pocket and softly dabbed at the corners of your eyes. “I don’t want you to cry anymore, alright? We’re in this together.”

Nanami:

Your husband Kento was still gone at work by the time you had come back from your appointment with the doctor so you decided to curl up in bed. You had just received the worst news any hopeful mom-to-be could get: you could never get pregnant. You couldn’t stop replaying the words in your head, further torturing yourself. You didn’t even notice Kento coming home, calling out your name, or opening the bedroom door.

“Y/n?” he asked softly before noticing your still figure in the bed. You were facing the opposite way of the door so he treaded lightly across the room, coughing a bit so as not to scare you.

“Are you alright?” he wondered, the bed dipping as he sat next to you and stroked your hair.

“We can’t have a baby, Kento,” you blurted out. “I’m a failure.”

If he was surprised at the news, you couldn’t tell with the way his demeanor stayed calm, cool, and collected.

“First of all, that’s not even close to the truth. You’re an amazing person, a caring wife. You’re nothing close to a failure.” He brushed hair away from your forehead and placed his lips there for an elongated moment.

“Do you want to talk about it or do you want to lie here awhile? Either is understandable,” said Kento after a long bout of silence.

“I’d like to talk about it over dinner, if that’s alright. For now, I just want to lay down.”

“Of course.”

He kissed your hand and stood up, taking off his tie before cuddling up next to you.

“Having you in my life, Mrs. Nanami, is more than enough for me.”

Choso:

Choso came with you to your doctor’s appointment to help calm your nerves, his steady presence more than welcome when the future of your family was hanging in the balance.

“So I’m looking at your results, and it looks like…”

Choso squeezed your hand gently when the doctor spoke.

“…you cannot become pregnant. I’m so sorry,” your doctor told you. “This is a lot to take in, I’m sure, so I’ll give you two a moment to yourselves if you’d like.”

“Please,” Choso answered for you as you were unable to speak. You sat in the chair, emotion overwhelming your entire being. Choso held tightly to your hand as he looked deep into your glassy eyes.

“Y/n, I’m so sorry.” His big brown eyes were also wet with sorrow.

“Why are you sorry? I’m the one who can’t make our dream of having a family come true,” you cried.

“Shh, it’s not your fault,” he soothed, pressing you close to his chest as you sniffled. “You’re being way too hard on yourself. This is a horrible situation but we’ll figure it out together like we always do. You’re not alone in this, or anything else.”

You eventually separated your face from his shoulder and he wiped it softly with a tissue, clearing away your tears.

“We’re a team. We’re a family, baby or not. My love for you will never be shaken.”

He placed his hands lovingly on your cheeks and gave you a kiss on your forehead, reminding you exactly why you wanted to be with him forever.

Toji:

You had just left your doctor’s appointment, your shoulders heavy with the burden of your hopes and dreams shattered by the fact you couldn’t get pregnant. Dialing a number you knew by heart, you anxiously waited for your husband to answer his phone.

“Hey darlin’, what’s up?”

“I really need to talk to you,” you said, your voice small as you tried to not break down over the phone.

“Where are you? I’m on my way now,” Toji said without hesitation. You gave him the address of the clinic you were outside and he told you he’d be there in 10 minutes. You sat on the curb, ignoring the hollow feeling in your chest until you glanced up to see Toji; you burst into tears.

“Woah, hey, it’s okay.” He sat next to you and consoled you with a large hand on your back while the other guided you into a hug so he could shield you from any curious onlookers. “Is this about your appointment?”

You cried harder.

Toji sat with you for a long time as you sobbed. After what seemed like forever, your tears had run dry and you were hiccuping into his broad chest.

“I’m here for you. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I can’t get pregnant. Ever. We won’t be able to have a baby,” you mumbled as you stared at a crack in the sidewalk.

“Here I was, thinkin’ you only had a few days to live.”

You glared at him. “Not funny.”

“Not trying to be for once.” You were pulled in closer to his chest once more as he rested his chin on the top of your head. “I’m sorry that’s the news you got. I know we were looking forward to having a kid but if it’s not in the cards for us, I’ll be alright as long as I have you.”

“Are you sure? You would be a great dad and I don’t want to take that away from you.”

“And you’d be an amazing mom. I wouldn’t want kids with any other woman.”

“Thanks, Toji. I really love you.”

He gave you a lopsided smile. “Let’s get off this dirty ass street and go home.”

[77zrose]

ZB1 REALISING THEY FELL FOR THEIR BESTFRIEND

genre : ot9, fluff “ 🧺 .*

김지웅 kim jiwoong

Jiwoong would notice his feelings quietly, during a moment when you’re laughing or doing something mundane. He’d feel a pang in his chest and think, Why does this feel so different now? Jiwoong is someone who values control over his emotions, so he’d likely try to keep things normal.

Over time, his actions would subtly shift. He’d linger a bit too long after walking you home, or his texts would become more thoughtful. One evening, as you both sit on a park bench under the stars, he’d finally let his feelings slip.

Jiwoong: “You know, being with you makes everything feel… easier. Happier. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I… I think I’ve fallen for you. I don’t want to risk ruining what we have, but I can’t pretend anymore.”

성한빈 sung hanbin

Hanbin’s first instinct upon realizing his feelings would be panic. He’d smile through the confusion, but internally he’d be thinking, This can’t be happening. What if I ruin our friendship? He’d probably talk to someone he trusts to figure out what to do, all while being extra attentive toward you.

One evening, after you’ve spent the day together laughing and sharing stories, he’d muster the courage to bring it up.

Hanbin: “I’ve been meaning to tell you something… I think I’ve started seeing you differently lately. I’m not sure when it happened, but… I think I’ve fallen for you. I care about you so much, and I just hope you can feel the same.”

장하오 zhanghao

Zhanghao’s realization would hit him during a quiet moment—like when you’re both reading or working on something together. He’d glance at you and suddenly feel his heart race. His first thought would be, Oh no… this is dangerous.

Zhanghao isn’t one to bottle things up for too long. After spending a week analyzing his feelings, he’d decide to confess in a straightforward but warm way. Over coffee, he’d break the silence.

Zhanghao: “I need to tell you something, and I want you to know I’ve thought about it carefully. I think I’ve fallen for you. I know this changes everything, but you’re too important for me to not be honest.”

석매튜 seok matthew

Matthew would be adorably clumsy about the whole situation. When he first realizes he has feelings for you, he’d start stammering or avoiding eye contact whenever you’re around. He’d try to act normal, but his little gestures—like remembering your favorite drink or texting you late at night—would give him away.

Eventually, he wouldn’t be able to hold it in. During a casual hangout, he’d blurt it out unexpectedly.

Matthew: “Okay, I can’t keep this in anymore! I like you. Like, really like you. You’re my best friend, and I know this might sound crazy, but I don’t think I can keep pretending I don’t feel this way.”

김태래 kim taerae

Taerae’s feelings would sneak up on him gradually. He’d notice how much happier he feels when you’re around, how your smile stays in his mind long after you’ve left. Being the artistic and emotional person he is, he’d likely channel his emotions into music first.

One day, he’d ask you to listen to a song he wrote. As the melody fills the air, the lyrics would describe his feelings—how he fell for his best friend and is scared but hopeful. When the song ends, he’d look at you nervously.

Taerae: “I’ve been writing this for a while because I didn’t know how else to tell you… I like you. More than just a friend.”

리키 ricky

Ricky would try to act like nothing’s changed, but his behavior would say otherwise. He’d tease you more often, throwing playful comments your way to hide his nervousness. Behind the scenes, he’d overthink every interaction, wondering if you feel the same.

Eventually, his confident exterior would crack, and he’d decide to tell you in his own charming way. During a late-night walk, he’d turn to you with a soft smile.

Ricky: “You know, you’re the only person who can make me nervous. I realized it’s because I’ve started liking you—more than a friend should. I don’t know how you feel, but I had to tell you.”

김규빈 kim gyuvin

Gyuvin would be hilariously awkward about his feelings. He’d start stumbling over his words around you, his ears turning red whenever you’re near. The other members would tease him relentlessly for how obvious he’s being.

After working up his courage, he’d sit you down one evening and try to explain.

Gyuvin: “Okay, so… this is really hard for me to say, but I like you. Like, really like you. And I know I’m being super awkward, but I just couldn’t keep it to myself anymore.”

박건욱 park gunwook

Gunwook would be in denial at first, brushing off his feelings as just admiration. But when he catches himself thinking about you constantly, he’d realize it’s more than that. He’d try to impress you subtly—showing off his skills or taking extra care to support you.

Finally, he’d choose a bold but heartfelt moment to confess, like when you’re both watching a sunset together.

Gunwook: “You mean a lot to me. More than just a friend. I don’t know when it happened, but I’ve fallen for you. And I’d do anything to make you happy, whether or not you feel the same.”

한유진 han yujin

Yujin would be the shyest about his feelings. He’d blush whenever you’re around and would try to avoid making it obvious, but his small acts of kindness—like sharing his snacks or sending you cute messages—would give him away.

One day, he’d finally confess in the sweetest, most innocent way. He’d hand you a small gift, like a handwritten letter, and nervously mumble his feelings.

Yujin: “I… I wanted to tell you something. You’re really important to me, and I think… I think I like you. I know this might be sudden, but I hope you understand how much you mean to me.”

[the-clock-of-the-time-dragon]

You know what, I'm fucking done arguing with a brick wall.

Hon you can just concede, agree to disagree, and be done with it, you don't have to pretend like I'm a "brick wall" who hasn't been making well-wrought points to refute yours. I took the time to respond very exhaustively to you, point-by-point — give me a fucking break, lmao

Send my apologies to your English literature teachers for having to put up with you.

I mean several of them are dead (it's been quite a long while since I was in school), so I'm gonna stop you right there. All I'll say is: people who are really truly into literature on a professional level, such as my mentors, or myself, have a strong appreciation for deep engagement with a text. What you think of as a "brick wall" (debate, exegesis, and fondness for overlooked details), my English lit teachers held in high regard. We had a hell of a lot of fun dissecting material together. It's fine that you don't enjoy this kind of thing, but don't pretend that it's somehow a slight against you, or that my points aren't worth seeing.

And take a good hard look about whether you would feel any different if the story stayed exactly the same except you swapped Fiyero and Glinda's genders.

Right back atcha, hon. Your takes have been pretty consistently sexist.

Let me leave you with one thought though, honey. If this is just "reading from the text" then presumably you think Winnie and Stephen agree with your delusions?

Winnie and Stephen pretty transparently wrote Fiyero to be the Early 2000s Slightly Rebellious Male Heartthrob For the Girls to Fight Over and not much else. He's been improved greatly in the film adaptation by NOT being that, and as I've said many times, I would love if they've ended up canonizing the double agent idea in the second film; albeit, as I've explained, I think that he'd lose something if he were made too straightforwardly "good". It doesn't matter whether Winnie, Stephen, or any of the directors or actors that have interpreted Fiyero over the years, specifically "agree" with me. Theatre of all mediums lends itself especially to a panoply of readings. There is no set-in-stone "canon". I just find certain takes to be ignorant of the details of the text, and I've argued against those takes. I happened, in the process, to do analysis which spawned further discourse. But it isn't like my analysis is Word of God: it's just fun to discuss ultima facie instead of prima facie. Your reading may well be closer to prima facie in certain ways — but that's not somehow an argument in and of itself for being "correct". You and I both made our arguments and apparently mine are now left to stand as ultima facie, as you have run out of counters.

Seems awfully cruel of them to go out of their way to save Elphaba from dying at the end of the story to leave her with an oh so awful fascist soldier?

The fact you seem to believe I think of Fiyero as "oh so awful" just tells me you haven't been engaging seriously with anything I've said.

He's a fascist soldier. That is something that should be reckoned with and examined in any real analysis of his character. He isn't "awful" — I never claimed he was, far from it — and he is certainly not the first or last character to have the narrative gloss over more troubling details and implications about what was written for them. But don't come at me for pointing those details and implications out, just because you personally dislike them, lol. I'm not the one who came up with Fiyero volunteering to become a fascist soldier: take that up with Holzman, lol

Also, if Elphaba was happy to fuck Fiyero in the woods and later leave with him, she clearly thought what he did was justified given the circumstance.

Hon, it's not that deep, lmao. They boned because they're passionate people with unresolved sexual tension suddenly given an opportunity — the only opportunity — to resolve it. Elphaba was not weighing his past several years for their moral soundness whilst riding him, lmfao

And I think the biggest Animal rights activist probably knows better than either of us the about the situation :)

Perhaps she does, perhaps she doesn't. We can only speculate. All we know is that she was frightened of him, and was worried he'd bought into the propaganda against her — which is a fair concern, given how he spent those years. She's relieved to find that he hasn't succumb to the hate against her, and that he isn't trying to harm her, and... that's really all that's stated, and that's all that need be stated. It's probably the first time in years that a human hasn't been her enemy — I don't think she wants to go there and review his choices, for her own sake, and I don't blame her for that one bit. But just because she doesn't go there doesn't mean that we shouldn't. We aren't bound to the POV of any singular character: we get to study them from beyond the fourth wall as much as we want, and there's a TON of interesting stuff there.

[Wicked Act II spoilers]

[edited for tone and clarity of purpose, apologies for initial crudeness and frustration]

Okay, obviously I'm biased, but I'm gonna need the Fiyeraba shippers to please set a lot of your people straight about some things. I've seen way too many people trying to say that Glinda is just a selfish bimbo and that Fiyero is a virtuous and selfless figure more worthy of Elphaba's love. I'll set aside for now the idea of "worthiness" in this context. But let's start off with Fiyero joining the Wizard. Hoo boy...

Yes, he was initially somewhat less tolerant of the propaganda against Elphaba than Glinda was; yes, he was secretly trying to find her so he could run away with her or whatever. But honey: those facts DO NOT fully absolve his actions as the Wizard's top officer, or selfish recklessness throughout Act II. I see so many popular threads and posts romanticizing and whitewashing with "oh but he didn't REALLY join the Wizard, he just pretended so he could try to get to Elphie! It's all for love, and he sacrificed everything for her!" As if the literal captain of the literally fascist forces responsible for the oppression of Animals wasn't equally responsible for said oppression?? Hello? Fiyero really didn't think of seeking out Elphaba in ANY other way that DIDN'T involve becoming *checks notes*... the trusted leader of the troops committing all the abuses she's fighting against in the first place???? Like it's cool and all that he helped with Brrr, and it's all well and good that he planned on betraying the Wizard as soon as he found Elphaba (which took literal years, so I guess we're left to assume he was prepared to just keep doing fascism indefinitely if she didn't show up????), but uh... it's kind of concerning to how eager some of you are to make excuses for this dude volunteering as the head of the Ozian Gestapo??? smdh

He didn't accomplish anything from it either, by the way — like yeah, we get it, he did everything he did whilst silently fantasizing about running away with the Witch he was being paid to hunt. Fine. But I can't be the only one who doesn't buy that as an actual excuse???? Like, guys: nobody forced him to join the fascist army — even with crazy ulterior motives. He wasn't coerced into it; it wasn't his only choice or anything. Searching for Elphaba did not somehow compel him to go and volunteer to follow (or to give!) orders in the name of the dictator who was trying to have her assassinated the entire time. He could have just not done all that. (Genuinely so curious how the second film plans on covering that material tbh)

Glinda made several questionable decisions that can be (and have been) debated, but she is still very unambiguously a victim. Her position in the Wizard's regime was foisted upon her. There are things we can discuss, but I find that many folks need reminding that Glinda would undoubtedly have been disposed of (or worse) if she failed to make herself useful. I mean hell: she wasn't even supposed to meet the Wizard in the first place — she was only there because of Elphie. If she'd tried to resist, it would have immediately gotten her labeled the Witch's accomplice. As soon as she'd chosen not to get on the broom, her fate was out of her hands, and all available options were varying degrees of horrible.

That's not the case with Fiyero. He went to the Wizard all on his own; no one ever cornered or forced him into it. Thinking Animals are people, and having a crush on Elphaba, simply did not stop him from carrying out the regime's orders — for years. It's not clear exactly how long he's been captain at the start of Act II, but the clear implication is that he's been a soldier for most of the time skip. I've seen Fiyeraba accounts with headcanons about him acting as a double agent, secretly doing stuff to help Animals — and that's a great idea, it would indeed serve to make a lot of his actions way more palatable — but until we actually get to SEE some of that (maybe they'll add it for the movie version of Act II; we'll have to see), there is nothing in the story to suggest that. He certainly didn't do a damn thing for all those Animals who were enslaved and caged in the Wizard's palace — and we don't see a single other Animal outside of there in Act II, so as far as we know Fiyero has participated over those years in the near-total removal of Animals from Ozian society. In the name of "finding Elphaba". Not fighting for her cause. Just finding HER. For HIMSELF.

It's fine to have a ship you like, obviously — and there is genuinely a lot to like about Fiyeraba, I don't dislike the idea of them as a couple or as friends — but come on guys: please stop those out there idealizing Fiyero as somehow a clear "morally-superior" alternative to Glinda, lol. The dude had power, access, and opportunities, for years, that he could have wielded in any number of really selfless, revolutionary ways. He didn't. And I propose (apparently controversially): he simply didn't want to. And that — at the end of the day — is (much as some would like to deny it) true to his character. He always WANTED to be self-absorbed and shallow, and all his actions are consistent with that. Elphaba saw depth and discontentment in him, yes: but (and I cannot stress this enough) when given the chance, he channeled that in the wrong direction. He didn't confront that and become a better person — for the most part he just displaced and projected it onto Elphaba as an object of obsession, and put on an even thicker pretense than before.

All his actions — regardless of the complexity he has deep down — are those of a man who never gives one fuck about anything or anyone, except (kinda sorta) Elphaba. But even then: at no time does the care he has for her seem to extend to caring about any of her wants or needs outside of sexual validation from him, or how she might feel about his actions, or indeed the impacts of those actions upon her, her cause, or anyone or anything else. I don't think it should be all that controversial to say: he doesn't think through the wider repercussions of anything he does — thoughtlessness is just one of his core character traits. He doesn't think ahead or see meaning in anything outside of what can temporarily excite him, in the moment. I think people place a little too much weight on Elphaba clocking him with regard to his internal pain, and seem to expect (understandably of course) that she is not only right, but moreover that he will grow from that in a positive direction, based on her influence.

But he doesn't. If anything, we get a surprising inverse: he pretty much proves her wrong. Not to say he didn't have hidden depth and all that, like she said: but his hypothetical heart of gold proves not to really amount to much in practice. He doesn't grow out of his shallowness and his self-centeredness: he grows into it in a way that he hadn't quite yet in school. Where once he was only masking an internal listlessness, after he's been cracked open by Elphaba he decides to be genuinely self-absorbed and deeply shallow, not just coasting by. He performs in new ways — as a soldier, eventually as a "fiancé", etc. — but by Act II we meet a Fiyero who has staked the last remaining shred of humanity in him on the vain pursuit of the only object of his desire that has ever been unavailable to him, and firmly chosen to say to hell with everyone and everything else.

When put to the test, Fiyero sacrifices Glinda, the Animals, and all else that Elphaba actually cared about, to pursue his own unresolved crush from college. Mostly to get in her pants, really — as harsh as I'm sure that sounds. But let me be frank: that is literally all he ever accomplishes in the show. He gives her dick one time, and one of his castles, and that's it. That's the culmination of his years trying to find her — years in which he actively worked as one of the stormtroopers (or even the one commanding them) committing untold crimes against Animalkind (who, again, it seems have been all but erased from Oz by Act II): y'know, the very crimes Elphaba sacrificed her life to try and stop????? He spent the most important time of his life — of his own free will — being a fascist soldier, but he "did it for her" somehow, so according to some, it's perfectly fine. Heroic, even. Yikes??

But let's make something very clear (since my original version of this post caught a lot of flak, including slurs and other rudeness):

I like Fiyero. I find his role extremely interesting (I could do a whole dissertation on him, but I'm especially a fan of the way his proving Elphaba's assessment of him wrong presents a fascinating parallel and contrast with Glinda, which I think is lost on a lot of people). But PLEASE stop with all the misguided Glinda slander and idealization of Fiyero. By all means, thirst! But don't give me all this bullshit about him deserving Elphaba more, or being super deep, or being really principled or noble or whatever else. He does have layers, and quite intriguing ones, but his insides are straw — he isn't meant to have some deep, overwrought emotional core or motivations; he has passions that he acts upon when given the chance. That's it. And that's fine. Actually kind of refreshing in a story rooted in simple children's fantasy but rife with intensely complicated personalities. Fiyero makes it his mission to represent denial of depth and embrace of raw, spontaneous desire — and I for one love that, and wish others appreciated it.

And in all seriousness, shipping wars aside: by the end of the story, it's Glinda who is ultimately vindicated, and has — for all her faults — made the necessary choices to fulfill Elphaba's wishes, bring down the regime, etc. And all that despite herself. She's miserable: not just because of the mistakes she made, but because of her correct moves as well. Fiyero is simply not — and could never be — that person. And that's okay! Like I said: I am not anti-Fiyero. Fiyero's willingness to throw it all away for the sake of sheer, overriding passion is a huge part of what people like about him, of course — and it's an obvious factor in the attraction between him and Elphaba, because she has her own flavor of that impulse as well — but I'd actually argue that it's not romantic, it's his fatal flaw. And thematically that's fantastic! But I just don't believe that it somehow means he "deserves Elphaba more" because he "gave up his life for her" or whatever. In part because NOBODY truly "deserves" Elphie tbh, not 100% (and I question anybody who claims otherwise), but ultimately because I don't accept the idea that his fleeting acts of passion make up for all the shit leading up to them (or even proceeding after them tbh). At least Glinda managed to do what Elphaba always wanted in the end — but I would die on this hill even if Gelphie didn't exist.

You don't have to agree with my analysis of Fiyero and his choices, relationships, etc. — that's fine. What isn't fine is trying to portray Glinda as some kind of spineless traitor whore for the Wizard and Fiyero as a conscientious hero who earned Elphie through self-sacrifice. That's just not the story that was written. It's WAY messier and more interesting than that.

[the-raven-and-the-tower]

The Venatori were really struggling to keep Lucanis contained.

(A possible reason our favorite possessed Crow was suited and booted and ready to leave when we found him.)

A trail of bodies leading to him, a bunch of references to how much havoc he's wreaked, and then a big-ass barrier on the door where they've got him contained in a block of ice like the weirdos they are - baby boy was working on his own breakout long before we got there.

On arrival, we find a scattered trail of dead Venatori guards.

Rook: Someone or something already took down the guards. Neve: Might work in our favor, but something's wrong here.

A bit later, we find this note and even more bodies.

Gee, I wonder why they didn't want to go in the possessed killer Crow's cell. Lucanis and Spite are pissed, they're not accepting visitors.

We find a response to the note, alongside the body of the previous writer (hopefully).

Bonus shot of possible Dead!Ovidius.

There's pretty good evidence to show Lucanis's last couple of days-to-weeks would have been enough to drive him to extremes in order to escape. This note was on a desk in one of the rooms - Calivan would have tortured Lucanis to new lengths in order to break him for Zara.

Adding to that, we know that either out of desperation to break Lucanis and accomplish his task, or needing to gripe to a colleague, Calivan wrote to someone named Felicia Erimond and received "just kill him already" as advice in return.

When Rook and companion finally reach the area where they've managed to contain him (inside of a spelled block of ice ffs), he's at the end of a longggg trail of bodies and behind a very serious barrier.

They need him contained.

Neve: A barrier. Whatever's in there, the Venatori really want it to stay put. Rook: Then we break through.

When we bust through the barrier and are finally facing down the final few Venatori mages between us and our Demon, look at this;

They're casting blood magic around his makeshift ice prison to keep him contained, but as Rook bursts in, they stop --- perhaps allowing Lucanis's escape a moment later.

The Ossuary mage/guard foremost is not interested in discussion when Rook offers not to fight if they'll simply hand over Lucanis. Instead, he leaps right to calling on the Archdemons themselves.

"Razikale, Dragon of Mystery. Lusacan, Dragon of Night. Hear your faithful call—"

Tiny lore drop on those fuckers. Razikale and Lusacan were said by the Chantry to have been "imprisoned underground by the Maker for usurping His worshipers.' At some point in 9:52 Dragon, Razikale was awoken and freed by Ghilan'nain, and Lusacan by Elger'nan. This led to the outbreak of the Sixth Blight. [from the wiki]

When presented with the possibility of Rook & co breaking Lucanis out, the Venatori reaches for the nuke button.

And I mean... can we blame them for being afraid of him? We've seen the bodies, Lucanis was kind enough to leave us quite a resume on the floor all over. Then we get to see him pop out of his ice prison like a demonic jack-in-the-box too and rain fury down on his captors.

Even without facial expressions, all I see in the body language of the Venatori is oh gods it's happening again...

And then they look up to see this charging at them, the last thing so many of their colleagues saw before they died similarly violent deaths. (Also, slowed-down, his ittle run seems less silly somehow, but the trade-off is that the funky physics of the sword he runs belly-first into do stand out a little more.)

and then THIS!

The face of a man who is genuinely surprised by who he's found himself face-to-face with. The first non-Venatori he's seen in 300+ days and not only are they not Crows... they're complete strangers who just waltzed into a secret underwater Venatori prison housed in a crumbling ancient elven temple and asked for him by name?

Not even our famous detective was able to work out his name on her own, so we know it's not information that's easily come by. Clearly this stranger knows who he is and where he was being held --- Lucanis has to be wondering; if that knowledge was out there, why hadn't the Crows found him? And who is this unknown person that just blithely walked in, asked for him by name and was cheeky enough to offer sparing the Venatori a fight if they'd simply hand him over?

It’s been three hundred very bad days for the Demon of Vyrantium and now he having a very confusing one. Plenty more where that came from.

[plumeria1]

Nothing's better than a break

Masterlist

Note : Caitlyn won the last poll so here it is. I wrote it faster than I thaught.

Pairing : Caitlyn Kiramman x Fem Reader

Warning : None

Content : Fluff

Summary : Caityn need a break in her studies

Caitlyn had spent the week hearing her friends tell her that she should take a break from her studies and relax.

She had finally resigned herself and decided to take the envelope containing a gift voucher out of her nightstand drawer. It had been given to her on her birthday, and she had never used it.

Caitlyn went to the exhibition site and took a look at the services that were being offered. They were diverse, and there was something for everyone's taste.

While looking at the menu, she noticed that her friends had chosen the most expensive option, which included a two-hour massage. They had said she deserved to be the most relaxed.

Caitlyn managed to get an appointment for the following week and called her friends to tell them she was finally going to use their gift. They jumped for joy to see this workaholic finally decide to relax a bit.

The day of the appointment finally arrived, and Caitlyn, after checking in at the reception, was escorted to a booth to undress. She emerged, a towel wrapped around her body, and was invited to sit on the massage table.

When the assistant left the room, Caitlyn glanced around. The light was dim, and numerous candles were lit all around the room. In the air, she could smell a floral scent, which surely came from the incense burning on the shelf next to the door.

When she heard a knock at the door, she regained her composure.

-Come in.

She hadn’t spoken very loudly, as if afraid of breaking the peaceful atmosphere.

The door opened gently to let you in. Caitlyn looked at you. You didn’t seem much older than her—maybe one or two years at most. You wore the same uniform as the other employees, but she thought it suited you better. Her eyes paused for a second on the badge, where your name was inscribed and pinned to your chest, before finally reaching your face.

-Miss Kiramman?

One of the salon's rules was to always ask clients for their names to avoid making mistakes in the service.

-It's Caitlyn.

Caitlyn hated being called by her last name; she found it too formal, so sometimes, despite herself, she always corrected people.

-Alright, Caitlyn. I'll be taking care of you today. If the smell of the incense bothers you, I can put it out or change it.

-No, I quite like this smell; it feels like being in a garden.

Her remark made you smile. You always took great care in preparing the room before the clients arrived. Seeing the information in her file, you had tried to guess what she liked to make her feel most comfortable, and apparently, you had hit the mark.

You turned your back to her so she could lie down and get comfortable while you prepared everything you'd need. When you turned around, she was lying on her stomach, arms crossed, and her head resting on them. Her bare back was waiting for your tender care.

-Are you ready?

-Yes, we can start.

Caitlyn let out a small sigh of satisfaction when she felt the oil on her back and had to hold back another sigh when you placed your hands on her and began the massage.

Your hands were so gentle. You seemed to know exactly where to press to relax her. Your hands pressed on her shoulders, and at the same time, your thumbs pressed against her neck.

Only the sound of soft music filled the room. You had thought Caitlyn had fallen asleep, as it had happened with other clients before, but she started talking, indicating that you were mistaken.

-Have you been doing this for a while? Massages, I mean?

-I was only hired three months ago, but I’ve done several internships here. And you?

-Actually, I hadn't planned to come here. My friends forced my hand. They say I need to take a break from my studies.

You slid your hands lower along her back, just below her shoulders, and Caitlyn felt your nails dig into her hips—not enough to hurt her, but just enough to relax her even more.

-They're not wrong. When I was at massage school, I was so immersed in my books that I almost burned out.

-What did you do to relax?

-The glider.

-Wow, did it work?

-Yes, very well indeed. When you're up there, you don’t think about anything. You realize that worrying so much about studies isn't worth it because it's precisely because of stress that many people fail their exams.

Caitlyn nodded; that’s what had happened to a girl from her school last year.

She was about to speak when your hands pressed on a knot in her back.

-I'm starting to understand why your friends told you to come here. Your back is all knotted up.

Your thumbs made small circles on her back while pressing to relax her, which, judging by the little sounds she made, seemed to be relieving Caitlyn.

-You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Many people go through their session without saying a word.

-Really?

-Yes, and even though it happens rarely, some people also cry.

You saw Caitlyn’s head lift slightly and turn towards you with a curious look.

-How can people cry during such a pleasant massage?

-It’s quite easy to explain. When really tense or stressed people come for a massage, it relaxes them to the point where their emotions come out, and this often happens through tears.

-It must be strange to see.

You laughed a little as you remembered the first time it happened to you. You didn’t know where to put yourself; you felt like you had done something wrong. Fortunately, the person in charge of your internship quickly reassured you, saying that it could sometimes happen and that, even though it was rare, it proved you were doing a good job.

The rest of the session went very well. Caitlyn and you discussed several topics—your hobbies, your studies, and other things as well.

Caitlyn seemed disappointed that the massage was over. She confessed to you that she wished it could have lasted longer, but unfortunately, the two hours were up.

You offered her some tea before she left, and she thanked you with a beautiful smile, which earned her one from you. While you were tidying up the room, Caitlyn was leaving, but she couldn’t get you out of her mind. You had been so kind to her, and she still felt the impression of your hands on her back.

She finally decided to make another appointment with you. The secretary told her with a laugh that she knew Caitlyn would come back to you because you were one of the most sought-after masseuses.

Before leaving, she asked the secretary for a piece of paper, on which she quickly wrote a small message that she slipped, along with some money, into your tip jar, which was placed on the counter among those of the other employees.

As Caitlyn was leaving the salon to go to her car, she wondered if the message had been a good idea. Maybe you were just so nice because it was your job?

She was leaving the salon to go to her car, wondering if the message had been a good idea. Maybe you had been so nice because it was your job? Maybe she was just imagining things. What if you found her weird and didn’t want to see her anymore? She was about to get into her car when, as if by a twist of fate, she heard your voice calling her.

-Caitlyn, wait!

You finally stopped in front of her, slightly out of breath. You had run to catch up with her. She had been walking really fast.

-I forgot to give you this.

You handed her a small paper bag in the colors of the salon.

-What is it?

-A gift. We give one to all the customers who come for the first time.

Caitlyn glanced quickly and saw a small bottle that must have been massage oil and several tubes of cream. Then, she took out a small blue ball wrapped in plastic.

-And what is that?

-Oh, it’s for the bath. You put it in your bathwater, and it gives the water a nice color and a good smell.

-That’s very kind, thank you. You didn’t have to rush; I could have picked it up next week.

-Next week?

-Yes, I made another appointment… with you.

You gave a small smile, but inside, you were overjoyed. You had enjoyed massaging Caitlyn; she had had a real conversation with you. She hadn’t just told you about her problems, and her smile had brightened your day, which hadn’t started well.

-I can’t wait to be there then.

She finally said goodbye to you when she saw the time on her watch and reluctantly told you she had other things to do.

At the end of the day, Caitlyn finally returned home and collapsed onto the couch with the bag you had given her. She took the time to look more closely at its contents and saw that she had been right about the contents of the bottle and the tubes.

She took the bath bomb in her hand again and brought it closer to her nose, managing to smell its scent through the plastic. It was the same scent as the incense you had used during her massage. She wondered if you had chosen it yourself and if you had picked that scent on purpose.

She saw the bag next to her and noticed she had forgotten something. As she picked it up, she recognized the salon card and turned it over. Her eyes widened when she saw that you had left a note on the back of the card:

"I had a great time with you. I take my break at 1 PM and have lunch at the little restaurant across from the salon. If you’re interested, you’re welcome."

This little note from you made her smile. Maybe she had a small chance with you after all.

On your side, you had just returned home and were sitting at your kitchen table with your tip jar in front of you, the money forgotten for a few minutes already.

You were too busy rereading the little paper in your hands.

"I had a very good day, thanks again. If you’re interested, I know a place that makes very good sushi. Call me. Caitlyn."

She had left her number, and you could easily guess that the biggest tip had come from her.

You picked up your phone resting next to you on the table, saved Caitlyn’s number, and decided it was too late to send her a message but that you would do it the next day.

You finished counting your tips, and after a quick meal, went to bed.

[kirkwallguy]

I agree so much with you that Solas is an active detriment to the Dragon age setting. I am replaying Origins, and my incredibly hot take is that Solas recycles a significant amount of Keeper Zathrian's character, in order to create a more "epic" scale narrative that imo is also much weaker and messier than the original Zathrian to the overall scope of the world and to player engagement.

They're both bald magic elves who have been alive for absurd lengths of time, and who are convinced of their own righteousness even when their actions cause or will cause great and unending harm to those around them. At least with Zathrian his "optimal" narrative path (whatever that may be to the player) isn't gated off behind playing a straight woman, my Tabris can butch out with Leliana all I want and still access all modes of narrative engagement with Zathrian, and the Dalish within the Zathrian quest are granted legitimacy and dignity in their beliefs.

I am not a fan of the reveal that the Dalish gods were functionally just powerful mages, it's so obviously a plot beat written by a certain type of atheist who don't see how anyone could have faith in a greater force, or have curiosity about that mode of moving through the world, which is made even sillier when the setting has dragons and ghosts and stuff. Its so similar to the type of story that takes greek/norse/egyptian gods and re-imagines them as regular guys, functionally wizards, in an urban fantasy setting, wanting the power and drama but shedding the belief systems that go along with the gods, and what those systems do and mean to people. There's so much awe and wonder and hope in the codex entries in the Origins Dalish camp - are these gods gone for good, can they ever return and can the Dalish ever go home either with or without their gods' presence? What do the gods mean to a people who have suffered so much and safeguard those pieces of divinity that remain in stories and song and crafts? What might these echoes of distant gods mean to the city elves, so far removed from what once was but still cherishing the traditions they do have? But no, the Dalish were fools for their tattoos and their beliefs, and all the history and remembrances Zathrian kept and passed on to his people was false. What an idiot. Who even remembers that guy?

Anyways, you don't have to post my anonymous tirade, I just am a huge fan of one (1) bald elf so deep in guilt and tragedy and the weight of history that he is either blind to the harm he may cause, or so secure in his pride and belief in his own righteousness that he chooses to close his eyes to that harm. And that elf is not Solas.

i always giggle when i get to zathrian because he's so obviously prototype solas.

and despite his situation, zathrian's goals feel mostly grounded, we see him amongst the clan and understand his dynamics with the people around him. it's kind of impossible to fully grasp solas' whole deal because it's so hypothetical, all these things happened offscreen to characters with incomprehensible power who may have just been spirits at the time anyway. who give a shit...

and i agree with the religion thing but i'd say i always read dai and dav's handling of religion more as being liberal christianism than overzealous atheism. i wrote this post about dai, and i think dav only made it more true:

there's so little exploration of religious practices in dalish culture, dai at least does a little bit with those few sidequests, but dalish clans in dav are something just distantly spoken about and never fully explained. and this is in a game ABOUT the dalish gods. how is bellara saying (over and over again) "our gods are back!!! D:" supposed to hit when we don't know what significance the gods actually have? 😑 they had something really interesting in origins and da2, but it just feels like any other contextless fantasy pantheon now

[slippinmickeys]

Thank you for expanding Funfetti! I am so thirsty for M&S keep William fics, I can't even tell you. More please? I'll take anything. But can you continue with the Thanksgiving Pageant stuff? What happens next?? please and thank you

“Tell me you didn’t tell him to say that, Mulder.” 

Scully had pulled him into a stairwell the very second they could escape the auditorium without notice. 

“I didn’t tell him to say that,” Mulder answered honestly. 

“Tell me you didn’t tell him to say that and fucking mean it,” she hissed. 

Mulder reached out and grabbed her by the hand, looking her in the eye. 

“I didn’t tell him to say that. I swear. He…” 

“Did he hear us? Did he hear us talking?” 

The boy had been shut up in his room. The idea that he had overheard them was unlikely. 

The third grade class was singing something that sounded an awful lot like ‘Fah Who Doraze’ from The Grinch. In the echo chamber of the stairwell it sounded eerie and hollow.

“Mulder!” Scully hissed. 

Mulder turned his attention fully back to Scully. “I don’t see how,” he finally said. 

“He must have though,” she replied, stepping back, fidgety and distressed. “He must have.”

And then Mulder remembered something. 

“Scully,” he said, his voice low and serious. “The last bit. The smallpox bit. I never said that out loud.”

“What do you mean you never-” 

Mulder watched as the color drained from Scully’s face. 

“I thought it,” he said. “I never…I thought it.”

The implications washed over both of them. 

“Oh my God,” Scully said for the millionth time that night, swallowing thickly and lowering herself to sit on the staircase. 

Mulder, knees popping, sat down next to her. The song ended and there was an underwater sound of polite applause echoing against the painted brick walls of the stairwell.

“You’d hoped it was telekinesis,” he said. “Just telekinesis.”

The baby’s mobile spinning on its own. Stuffies dropping from the air when they walked in the nursery. Umpteen other things they wrote off because it couldn’t have been what they thought it was, because there was a plausible explanation, because it was just a figment of their imagination. 

…Maybe not ‘they.’

“I hate that word.”

“How do you feel about ‘telepathy?’”

Scully turned to glare at him. 

“I’m not trying to raise your ire. But we’ve had fights about this, Scully, and every time you find some kind of plausible deniability.”

“Isn’t that why Blevins hired me?” She was deflecting, now. 

Mulder waited a moment, then reached out and grasped her hand. She didn’t pull back. 

”We both know he’s different. I’ve known for a while. I think you have too. But I also think there’s maybe no more denying it. Don’t you?” 

At some point, even skeptic extraordinaire Dana Scully had to accept what she was finally seeing with her own eyes. 

She sighed heavily. “Do you remember when you told me that maybe he wasn’t what those supersoliders thought he was?”

Mulder nodded, wondering where he was going with this. She turned to him with a look of misery.

“What do I do when it’s me thinking the same thing?”

Mulder turned more fully toward her. “What do you mean?”

Scully paused, sniffed, wouldn’t look him in the eye. “I mean…what if our son isn’t what we thought he was?”

“You mean the fact that he’s different? Special?” he asked. 

Her shoulders wilted. 

“Yes.” Quiet acknowledgement. And then she went on. “It’s not the…supernatural things…not completely, anyway. It’s not those things that are so hard for me to accept.”

“Then what is it?”

“Acknowledging his…gifts…means mourning the loss of the child I thought I had.”

“And embracing the one you do,” Mulder said. He kept all judgement out of his voice. 

Scully finally looked at him, her eyes full of tears. 

“It doesn’t make you love him any less,” Mulder said, knowing what he said was the complete truth. 

Scully looked at the floor and a tear streaked down her nose and swayed for a moment at the end of it before dripping to the floor at their feet. 

“It makes me feel like I have to protect him more,” she sniffed. “It’s going to make his life so much harder. It’s going to make our life so much harder.”

Mulder let go of her hand and put his arm around his shoulders, pulling her in tight. They sat for a moment, the sound of the fourth graders' song pinging through the air in round, hollow drops of sound. He squeezed her into himself once. 

“Scully,” he finally said. “I can’t think of two more qualified people to handle this. Can you?”

The moment was a quantum shift in their lives. Nothing would ever be the same again. But life went on. And you had to go with it. 

She inhaled expansively, sat up straight even under the weight of his arm. “No,” she said after a moment. “That doesn’t mean I have to like it.” She gave him a watery chuckle.

“I suppose not,” he said, standing up and reaching out a hand to her. “Come on,” he went on, hauling her up. “We’ll sneak back in, watch the fifth graders chew some scenery, and be first in line for lemonade and cookies.”      

“We’re going to be fielding some questions,” she said with obvious distaste. 

Mulder swung the stairwell door wide, holding it open for her to walk through. 

“Let ‘em,” he said, following her through. “I’ve got a tight five on Thanksgiving as a tool of assimilation.”

[astriiformes]

Getting my first grad school rejection today was not ideal (not that it was something I was exactly looking forward to, but this week has sure been a week), but I am feeling somewhat soothed by the fact that I opened the email while on the way to my first independent study meeting with my favorite professor, who definitely made me feel a bit better about the whole thing. Which I especially appreciate seeing as he wrote some of my letters of rec and as a result was familiar with all my application materials, so hearing him say he still thinks I'll get in somewhere eventually means a bit more.

I think this project with him (on abnormality in the history of science) is going to be so nice because he's genuinely very excited about the topic and a great person to study it with, but also because it's very comfortable and casual, and regardless of what else happens with my applications this semester, it's nice to have a fellow academic in my corner who is already treating me a little more like a grad student than an undergrad in some significant ways. We were able to talk pretty frankly about some of the reasons this particular application might not have worked out, and then move on to chatting about what readings we wanted to do this week. I even recommended a new book to him that he got very excited about, which was fun since it's one very related to my PhD thesis proposal, but also to a class that he teaches.

I don't know. I'm still very stressed and will remain so until I've heard back from everywhere, and then I'll be a different kind of stressed (regardless of what I hear, honestly). But I think that rounding out my final year of undergrad with something like this--where I can process some of my feelings about it with someone who's been there, and who also treats me like I actually know things about my research topics--is going to help a lot, and I am feeling particularly grateful for supportive mentors today.

[eriochromatic]

I love your Silco takes so I was wondering if you could share yours on Vander and the drowning incident because no matter what angle I look at, it doesn't make sense.

As far as I can tell from what we're shown, the riot was well under way before Silco threw that molotov, and it's confirmed that enforcers killed Felicia. Thing is, it's implicit that Felicia chose to participate in the riot because a.) Why else would she be there, and b.) She was down with Zaun being independent for HER KIDS. Also, anyone who participates in a riot, or even a peaceful protest, knows they're putting their life on the line. So while I understand reacting to loss with intense grief, it's not exactly a surprise? It's something you have to mentally prepare for when you take a stand against an oppressor?

But then, if you go the ideology route with Silco taking it too far and the riot was Silco's idea, that stunt on the bridge was most likely pre-planned, organized resistance. This means a sizable number in their community, including Felicia and Connol, supported it. Even if Vander had doubts, he went along with it. Otherwise, why does the show open with him beating an enforcer on the bridge? Vander had other options: he could have split the resistance group down the middle by sitting it out and/or trying to stop Silco, neither of which he did!

The letter highlights the loss of Felicia as Vander's triggering event, and Vander admits that there's blood on both their hands. To be honest, I kind of like this because it hints that Silco's violence was acceptable to Vander within the context of revolution, and he thought he could handle the sacrifices required. Ironically, when he couldn't handle it, HIS violence pushed Silco towards any-violence-necessary because you can't trust anyone ever anyway!

Anyway, I know this is the fault of flimsy writing in S2 and what feels like internal censorship with challenging political status quo during production, but two drowning attempts (which for Silco came out of nowhere), followed by expulsion from the Lanes (which he helped build), the guilt of Felicia's death, and the total loss of the friends and community he was fighting for ... I mean, at least Silco's villain era makes complete and total sense???

Ugh honestly I try not to think about the drowning incident or even make sense of it anymore because every time I do, it's just so obvious to me that the writers themselves had no idea what they're doing. Timelines are completely off, character motivations make no sense, so why is it up to me to untangle the mess they made?

I have a huge love hate relationship with season 2 because on one hand, I didn't expect as much Silco crumbs we got in the first place and I'm SO HAPPY we got to see him normally in episode 5 and thriving in episode 7. But the retcon… I was so pissed when Act 2 dropped because the whole bridge incident just stopped making sense like you said.

Then when Act 3 happened, it all clicked together, but not in the "ohhh the story makes sense now" way but in the "oh the writers needed to set up smth previously so this would work." and it completely took me out of it. Like. The writers wanted Vander and Silco to make up with each other. But they don't know how to do that. Let's add some underlying sentimentality between Vander and Silco and Vi's mom, then kill Vi off. That'll make them go back together (along with that STUPID LETTER Vander wrote). Sure that's a bandaid solution and on surface level it works, but I don't think the writers really thought we would think about Silco this much so the moment you peel back the layers nothing makes sense anymore. I think they could've crafted a way more interesting story if they ACTUALLY SAT DOWN AND TRIED to have Silco and Vander reconcile without using Felicia as a crutch, but season 2 has an overarching problem of "lets have all the important things happen offscreen and only imply that they happened" which is just… so lazy…. so I'm not surprised that this happened.

It just weakens so, so many parts of the story and raises way more questions than answer them. Why does Silco pull away and distance himself from Felicia's family? Surely Vi should know him from before? Does Silco only take in Powder because he knew she was Felicia's daughter? Why, WHY does Vander go like "there are worse things than enforcers out there" (implying Silco) in s1 while talking to Benzo????????? when he's apparently felt guilty this whole time ??????? what happened to "I've looked everywhere????" etc etc idk man. from s1 I always thought the bridge incident happened way, way earlier from Felicia dying bc Vi looked like she was about 7 years old during the bridge and around 14 during act one, but then if you see Silco during the s2 warwick flashback he looks like he's 25. maybe 30 at the maximum. aint no way he aged that much in 7 years, in act one he and Vander both feel like they're in their mid 40s idk.

This is lowkey why I kind of only want to draw young Silco.. I love old man yaoi but like. If everything I draw is just flashback version of him, I don't need to worry about logistics of the bridge thing bc it hasn't happened yet lmfao. Or the AU version where everything is solved and no one rlly thinks about that time anymore.

Honestly I've tried to write this response several times trying to spell out my version of the timeline but just. nothing makes any fucking sense. I don't like thinking about how badly the writers fucked up on this part. Silco magically gets an eye injury caused by Vander and they had yaoi divorce but it's fine now. That's just how it is for me and if I think about it even a little more in depth my head will explode and I have better things to do with my time like draw zaundads yaoi

[pompompurin1028]

The Painter and the Sitter

Summary: Dazai once again agreed to be a sitter for a new painting of yours

Pairing: Dazai x Painter! Reader

Genre: Scenario, Hurt/Comfort-ish

Warnings: None

A/N: Inspired by an idea I had suddenly one night earlier this month. In between me getting this idea and me writing it, I had been reading some Virginia Woolf so I was kind of inspired. Also a reference to Dorian Gray is in this fic too because why not. This is entirely self-indulgent, wrote this on a whim because I felt like it, didn't really read it over to see if there are any errors :D

My Masterlist

Although sitting and posing for hours was a bit of a bore, Dazai never said no to your requests to paint him. He knows you enjoy having him as your sitter, whether you would admit it out loud or not for you had painted him more times than you can count.

He interested you, he can tell that much at least. Every time you paint his portrait, you seem to be trying to capture something… Something intangible perhaps, maybe even abstract. But Dazai knew it was not quite so simple. To someone more oblivious, it may seem as if you are trying to capture a certain idea, a theme to go with his portrait. But Dazai knew better. He knew you were trying to figure him out, to capture him on paper, to paint a portrait of him as closely as you could muster.

This knowledge should scare him, knowing that someone is trying to dig deep into his depths, his secrets, and potentially see the darkness that lies beneath his smiling mask. But at the same time, part of him enjoyed it.

It was perhaps not quite the idea of being known that enchanted him. No… if he had been focusing on that aspect, he was much more fearful about being with you. No, he was much more intrigued by your portrayal of him, he wanted to see the colours you chose, the style you selected and listen to you as you explained your thought process behind the artwork. Though you would never admit you were trying to study him, he knew, and perhaps you knew that he knew as well. And yet, you still attempted to continue your search and so, Dazai allowed it.

Your study of him did not come without a price of course. It is said that it is not the sitter who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the coloured canvas, reveals himself. So, to Dazai at least, the exchange is mutual--he allows you to attempt to dig into his depths, spending hours with you weekly, conversing with you, while you do the same, and reveal your thoughts on the world, your ideologies, your attitudes on life on the canvas you paint.

But Dazai knew it likely wasn't a fair exchange on your part and maybe one day, in the near future you will notice it too as you continue your search. He knew you were trying to paint a portrait of who he is… inside. But he knew the true answer. What you will eventually find, beneath all the layers you slowly draw apart is but an absence, a hollowness that most of the time Dazai feels can never be filled.

This was much unfair to your sincere self whose paintings were a site of vulnerability. He knows it well; you never did display your work publically, in fact Dazai hardly really knew what happened to the paintings after you finished painting them. But, despite whatever it meant to you, you still showed them to him, explained your thought processes to him, perhaps as a sign of gratitude for being your sitter, or maybe for something more. All he knew was, there was no suitable name for your relationship. Artist and muse perhaps? But no, he knew you saw him much more beyond a mere means for inspiration. Friends then? No, that was much too intimate and besides, Dazai did not simply call a person a friend easily. And to be lovers is beyond the question. But one thing was certain, there was a level of intimacy and vulnerability between the two of you, one with has yet no name. Maybe it is better to leave it nameless. This bond will not last long, at least that's what Dazai had thought. But he was much too selfish to let go of what little connection you have built. Though he knows he is only torturing himself since he knows you'll leave him eventually, once you've found the answers you're looking for, once you have found the true nature of the man you were so allured by.

As Dazai's focus was reined back to being the sitter for your portrait when you called his name. The newest portrait was finished, and as per usual, you chatted with excitement and great passion.

“This time I used a much different colour pallet than I usually do. You always request to be painted with dark colours but I thought some oranges and yellows suited you. I think it suits you much more-” You spoke eagerly, seeming very proud of your newest creation. Dazai doesn't think he's seen you this excited over one of your pieces so early on after finishing it and he couldn't stop the smile from creeping up to his face at the sight.

“Hmm, maybe you're right. I do look quite handsome in this colour pallet.” He replied smugly, staring at the painting. But if he were to be honest, he wasn't quite sure what to think of your artistic decision on this portrait. He wasn't sure how to feel seeing himself painted in such a light. It felt… unfamiliar, defamiliarizing even.

As he stares at the painting, Dazai wonders if he had misunderstood your intentions for painting him all along. Though he prides himself with being able to read others like a book, and to be able to assume what moves them most of the time, he is much like other humans--he can never access the interiority of other human beings, at best, he can infer and deduct. And the thought that he might have been mistaken for so long alarmed him.

But he took a deep breath. He knows you didn't have bad intentions, you never once showed any signs of malice. And he knew, despite everything, at least to some degree, he could trust you. But he didn't expect you of all people to throw him off guard. But with only the exteriority of people available to oneself to judge and guess, how much can we truly learn about other people? Perhaps such limitations are the manner of our seeing, and such are the conditions of our love.

Although walls and barriers still separated the two of you, for you had yet to fully understand him, and him you, Dazai felt your relationship had become if not a little bit more intimate. Perhaps within every conversation you two had, there were parts where you talked past each other, but you were still trying… trying to communicate, trying to connect. And maybe, for now, all of this is enough.

[stevie-petey]

Hi! I love your writing, it’s seriously impeccable. I was wondering- remember the part where you wrote in the first chapter for season 4, where Chrissy gave reader a daisy (or daisies ?) when everything happened in season 1? Whenever you can, I was wondering what that would have looked like, like a mini little blurb.

:}

yes !!! chrissy was a sweetie i like to imagine her and bug were friendly and admired the other from afar </3

enjoy !

"excuse me?"

youre in the library trying to catch up on all the work youve missed these last few weeks, and youre so lost in your readings that you jump when you feel the girls hand gently tap your shoulder. "jesus!"

the table thuds, knee coming into contact with it in your terror, and your heart stops. memories of the demogorgon still fresh on your mind, any touch from someone sets you into a spiral.

"sorry!" the girl squeaks in embarrassment, and when you look up, you see chrissy cunninghams cheeks flushed. "i-im sorry! i didnt mean to scare you, i promise-"

your heartbeat settles. placing a hand on hers, you placate chrissys anxious thoughts. "its alright. no harm done." you smile at her, winking, hoping to dispel any remaining tension. "just a bruised knee."

yet chrissys face pales now. "oh, no. thats even worse. i really didnt mean to make you jump like that."

"it really isnt your fault." you reassure her again. "honestly, anything these days makes me jump."

"because of will?" chrissy asks you before she can stop herself. she flinches at her own question, similar to a small deer scared of its own shadow, and your heart aches for the girl before you. "i-im so sorry. that was a rude question-"

"would you like to sit?"

its not that you interrupt chrissy because youre bored of her. you interrupt her because you know what its like to spiral into anxious thoughts and uncertain boundaries. chrissy has been your classmate for years, but the two of you were always divided by a line created by social hierarchy. she chose cheerleading, and you chose jonathan.

but despite this divide, youve always watched chrissy in awe. shes kind. kinder than anyone youve ever met, and her soft demeanor juxtaposed the charisma needed to become head cheerleader at only sixteen. and yet youve never seen her cruel to anyone.

"well?" you beckon chrissy towards the seat next to you. "since youre here, might as well keep me company, right?"

chrissy nods, silent, and softly sits down. everything she does is soft. she smells of rosebuds and her doe eyes remind you of your childhood.

as she sits, you notice something white poking out from her bag. curious, you peer over the table. "whats in there?"

she stiffens at your questioning. everything you seem to do frightens her in some capacity. as if shes afraid any minute she'll upset you, and you try not to read into it, you really do, but her shy demeanor concerns you.

"chrissy," you gently grab her hand, eyes finding hers. shes warm to the touch, skin as soft as she is. "im just an annoyingly inquisitive person who cries watching ants get stepped on."

she laughs, and the cadence of it rings like bells. "ants?"

"im fond of bugs." you shrug at her, only knowing the true meaning behind your words.

she doesnt question you, though, and instead loops her arm through her backpack and places it on the table. you watch her with patience as she unzips it, unsure what she's doing, until she's pulled out freshly cut daisies.

you gasp. the flowers are lovely. "theyre beautiful!"

chrissy smiles shyly. "theyre for you, actually?"

"me?"

"mhm," she hands them to you, a sudden boldness to her once petrified nature. on her face is a proud smile, eager to have done this one nice thing for you, and for a second you see your reflection in her eyes. "here."

you hold the flowers close to your chest. they smell like spring and laughter. "i... why?"

"theyre for you and will." chrissy fixes one of the stems, delicate and deft. "when i heard about his disappearance, when he died..."

its your turn to look away. the reminder of seeing what you thought was wills lifeless body only days ago. how small he looks now in the hospital bed. how els body isnt next to his.

chrissy clears her throat, anxious she's upset you, and tries to ease the sting. "but hes alive now, and i figured you and him could use some flowers after everything youve been through."

she picks at a daisy, watches the small plant with fondness. "flowers. funny how something so frail can bring so much hope."

something about the way she says it, the way her words twist, makes your throat close up. pressure builds behind your eyes and you have to quickly wipe them before chrissy sees and starts to worry again.

"thank you," your voice cracks. "i... will hates how dull the hospital walls are."

chrissy laughs, leaning into you, and you cant help but laugh with her as well.

[seokmn]

chapter 13.

wc: 1k words

“oh my god, if you say anything else ill throw you in front of a moving car! we’re almost there, stop complaining!” frustration was very clear in doyeon’s voice, which made chan even more annoyed. “youve been saying this for an eternity now! im going back home.”

“wait! we’re here!”

chan looked at the old house in complete confusion. doyeon took a key out of her pocket and opened the door before looking at chan. “what are you waiting for? come in.”

the house not only smelled but looked old. “careful where you walk,” doyeon referred to the good amount of pieces of broken dishes on the floor. she placed her backpack on the table and carefully took some plates out of it.

“what are those for?”

“look at the floor and youll know what are those for,” she laughed as you looked around. “you wanted to break some plates with me?”

“exactly. now here, take these,” she handed him a few plates and a marker pen. “why the marker pen?”

“youll write something that you want to break, that you want to get rid of it,” doyeon took a plate and a marker pen, wrote school’s pressure down on the plate and looked at it before throwing it hard against the wall and yelling at the same time the plate hit the wall and broke it in pieces.

chan looked surprised, not knowing doyeon had this side of her. “so, wanna try now?”

“why should i? breaking a plate wont make the problem go away.”

“trust me, chan. do it.”

he sighed, took a plate and wrote losing her. chan looked at the plate, his fingers gripping at it before throwing it against the wall. the sight of the plate turning into small ceramic pieces was relieving and he couldnt explain why. it felt like the some of the weight on his shoulders were gone. he smiled and chuckled a little, finding the situation amusing.

chan didnt waste any time and started to write things down the plates and threw them, laughing like he was losing his mind. every thing he wrote on the plates were about you, about losing you.

he took a deep breath while looking at the ceramic pieces on the floor and tears started to fill his eyes, making his vision blurry. laughs that were coming out of his mouth soon started to turn into sobs as he crouched down, hiding his face in his hands and doyeon went closer to him without saying a word and started to rub his back in order to soothe him.

“i- i dont know what to do!” his voice came out between his sobs, his whole body shaking as he cried hard. “the thought of losing yn was already way too painful and now that i really lost her… its like i have nothing to smile about life.”

“hey,” doyeon crouched down as well and gently took his hands out of his face, taking sight at his red eyes and runny nose. “its for the best.”

“who cares if its for the best?! doesnt mean it doesnt hurt as hell!”

“i know, i know.”

“do you? i hate when people act like they know what im going through. you clearly dont! when you lose the love of your love because of your dream life, then you can say that.”

“im sorry.”

“dont apologize,” he sniffed. “its just- it shouldnt have to be like this, i shouldn’t have to suffer like this and make yn suffer as well. i shouldve never gotten closer to her, she doesnt deserve this. i want to run back to her, but i also want to become an idol… why cant i have both?”

“in life, we have to make sacrifices, chan. you can become an idol and love her from afar, or maybe your busy schedule will make you get over her, think that it wasnt right to stay together. you dont know what can happens.”

“i dont know and i dont wanna know… now i gonna choose to let her go because she made up her mind, but not because i chose this,” he sighed and wiped his tears away. “its funny how i cant go back, how i only have one path to go to now and im still torn. its not like i can go back in time or something.”

doyeon stood up and waited for him to stand up as well, “come on, you cant stay like this forever. are you really gonna just sit in your pain or are you gonna grow out of it as well?”

chan stood up and looked at her with pitiful eyes, “i feel like im grieving.”

“well, think about the bright side, youll have a lot of great songs to compose.”

“thats not funny.”

“who told you its a joke? turn your pain into art, chan. why do you think i paint that much? youre not the only person whos hurt in this world, so will you turn this pain into something productive or will you let it drown you? turn this into songs or into choreographies. dont let this pain take over you.”

chan only nodded, that was the only thing he could do at the moment. he knew she was right, but he also knew he wouldnt be able to do that, at least not at that moment.

“im sorry i was rude to you in the groupchat. to be honest, i dont even know why i said those things, i guess i got frustrated at the situation because i hate seeing you like this and blming yourself for it. i know i never told you, but i see myself in you.”

doyeon was expecting anything from chan as his response to his words but the hug he gave her right away, which she responded by wrapping her arms around his body while whispering motivational words in his ear.

once the hug was broken by doyeon, she looked in his eyes and smiled. “im hungry, we should eat something. lets go,” chan smiled as well and nodded. “yea, lets go eat something.”

HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS

yn and chan date since their freshman year and are truly high school sweethearts, but will chan’s dream of becoming an idol get between their relationship?

masterlist — prev — next

taglist: @ivehypnosis @wonkierideul @ateez-atiny380 @noircheols @222brainrot @odxrilove @vixensss @starshuas

[pynkhues]

That anon is so fucking creepy and vile. It would be creepy and vile and disgusting no matter what, but to threaten to do that to two CHILDREN and someone facing domestic violence is just evil. Can you block specific anons on tumblr, or report them? Some people are just so pathetic.

Thank you to both of you, genuinely, it means a lot in a situation that now feels like - - y'know, Yeah. A Lot. I do think I was probably a bit naive with this fandom (although I do think it's the biggest one I've ever been in, honestly), but I think the mention of my sister's children is genuinely just so disgraceful and it actually is a criminal threat. So I hope that anon and the apparently boundaryless group of people they engage with realise that (although if they don't by now, hopefully they will at the end of this reply).

I was already getting dinner with my mum tonight before all of this happened, but I texted her on the way to tell her that I had Stuff to talk to her about, and y'know, I'm in my thirties, and me and my mum have always been close, amd she vaguely knows I'm 'in some fandoms', but to tell her about all of this bullshit tonight and have her opinions not just as a mother, and a grandmother to those two little boys, but also as a friend (which I'm very lucky to have her as at our big ages), and as a professional woman with a science, legal, political and journalistic background, was honestly the best possible thing to come back to earth to (so lowkey thanks for that anon, I guess?). She was outraged (and said things I could never type, haha) and funny and considerate (she already knew I wrote fanfic, but her response to me reminding her and showing her my ao3 was 'i love you, and i don't care' lmao) and, perhaps most importantly! Practical!

Which is all to say I've opened a case tonight, at her urging, with the Australian eSafety Commission, which they are taking quite seriously because of the threat of involving minors. But also generally!, So I guess well done on that, to the anon who's sent me those asks, your attempt to shame me for writing about consensual sex is actually now about you threatening a sex crime, because sending anyone porn over the internet without their consent, is, in fact, a sex crime, even before you threaten to involve literal children. I have to give them my tumblr login, but y'know what? That's okay to me, actually, given they can now track your IP Address!

(Sorry to the anons I'm replying to, this is now becoming a direct address of this [+ the friends of this] anon but - - )

I suspect you won't read this rationally, because I don't think you read much that I write rationally, but I do think you should know that you're assaulting people by sending them explicit material out of the blue, which I write, yes, and I'm going to own it if you do send it on, regardless of who you send it to. Again, yes, I'll probably be embarrassed if you share my fic and replies with people in my life, but I'm not going to be ashamed of any of it. I share it with consenting adults, you're saying you'll share it with adults who you dont give the chance to consent, and also literal children (not to harp on the point, but, anon, my nephews are 7 and 8 years old. They are currently navigating their mother's divorce from their abusive father - real people, real children, not made up ones like Louis and Lestat and Claudia - I'd ask you, genuinely, what you felt bringing them into this conversation was supposed to achieve beyond threatening me into silence? Which is - - I hate to say it, anon - - abusive behaviour).

I also do question what it is about writing sex that you find worthy of sending to family members at all? Do you think I should be ashamed of writing smut? Because that's the interpretation I get from your asks, and, again, that says more about you than it does about me. That tells me the reverse would threaten you, if I could send your behaviour or fandom engagement, or fic history to your family, you would feel threatened.

Because, okay, what's the alternative? You threaten to send my fic to my sister, okay, why do you feel that gives you leverage if you don't inherently find it shameful? I'm sharing work in a community of consenting adults, you'd actively choose to take that out of that (and before you argue this point, you are consenting, by clicking on the links of my fics). In fact, you'd choose to bring my family members into that. Why? Me and my sister talk about sex all the time, we're sisters, my fics aren't going to land on her doorstep as the surprise you think they will (but also, again, the implication of you thinking this should take priority over her literal divorce and custody case from her actually abusive husband, driving what? A wedge between us? While purporting to champion a fictional victim of it.....it's pretty transparent at this point, anon, and honestly I'd say ugly too).

Why do you think I should be threatened by her opinion of what I write? Do you think you know my relationship with my sister and brother better than me? You don't know her or him at all (that actually wasn't even his birthday btw), you don't know me, so then it's - once again - about you - and your opinion - of what I write, but is it? Because I'd posit that the degree of shame you try to place on me isn't about what I like, it's about what you like, because okay. My fics feature Louis often topping, occasionally elements of bdsm, which are literally canon at this point, your subset of the fandom has male lactation, mpreg, ABO, heavily fetishised drag, and feminisation up the wazoo, and it's not to my fancy, but I live and let live. Those are though also objectively far nicher kinks / fetishes than what I'm writing, which is two men trying to pretend they're fucking instead of making love, so y'know - - why am I the hang up, anon? If you send people I know to ao3, I'm not going to be the person they judge.

Anyway, look, you should know that my mum has also organised for me to consult with a lawyer specialising in cyber safety and international law in the next few days, and I had also started the (yeah, sure, admittedly awkward) conversation with my main workplace too about you potentially sending posts or fic to them. We've had an actor doxxed already this year, which opened the doors, and I figured, well, gosh, may as well tell them about you guys too. Again - - you might be able to embarrass me, but you can't shame me out of existence, especially when you're apparently literally willing to commit sex crimes over it. You said I was two-faced in those last asks, and y'know, I don't think I am. I think (hope) i'm someone friendly, empathetic and thoughtul, but there absolutely is a resolute, stubborn cunt in me that I inherited from a generation of Australian women, and the number one thing I was raised on by those women was that you don't bend the knee to bad behaviour.

[quiet-admirer]

What you wrote about the shift in the online definition of feedism is interesting to me! I was exploring the online scene during that time (2011), too, and I feel a bit the same and a bit opposite. I saw “feedism��� being used as a catchall term that folks lumped everything involving eating or gaining weight under. Stuffing and bloating were included under “feedism.” Even vore was occasionally under that umbrella.

I think now I see it as similar to the label of “queer” vs more specific labels within the queer identity. Queer itself can be an identity or an umbrella term. Like feedism can be a kink in its own right, or an umbrella term for other kinks. I hope this makes sense.

Sorry for sitting on this ask for ages, I was trying to find a few sources I *know* I have read with different definitions of fat fetish related terms, and I was curious to look back and them and see what they said. One was an older webpage and one a 2010s-ish? webzine, I believe, with like infographics and everything, but for the fucking life of me I cannot find them!

That's interesting, though! I agree, I have definitely heard feedism used as an umbrella term for as long as I've known it, I just don't think it was as common back in the day in my memory. It was (/is?) my impression that people who weren't as invested in the nitty-gritty of various terms used a looser definition, kind of like people now who don't distinguish between "feedism" and "feederism".

But with all of this kind of stuff I can never tell what might have been representative of the communities at large and what might have been a reflection of the specific slice of the Internet I happened to be exposed to, so who knows. The way feedism was always explained to me when I was learning about it was a feeding dynamic 🤷‍♂️ That's more useful for me personally but I don't make the rules about how other people want to identify, and I've kind of started seeing in the past year or 2 that if I really cared enough to make it a battle it would be a losing one lol, all the youths seem to be using it as an umbrella term to mostly mean weight gain kink at this point. I also may be 100% wrong and just made up the definition in my head without realizing it back in the day and have run with it for years!

I do think that it's worth being very intentional about how terms are defined and used in formal or academically-minded writing about ourselves, though, and making sure we're acknowledging the nuances in how the term is used, and I think my points I made in my reply to the post we're referencing still stand.

I once read a line in a paper or article or something that expressed the opinion that after so much research done on BDSM over the decades on what BDSM, what engaging in fetish dynamics and acts "means", the most solid conclusion that can be drawn is that the BDSM community are the worst people to ask about what BDSM means because nobody fucking knows and there is 0 consensus lol. I imagine it would be similar for our side of the tracks, too, there's a lot of variation and diversity among us.

What I really wish could happen is getting a huge sample of free-text submissions of terminology definitions from people in the fat/feeding/weight gain fetish realms just to see what everyone's similarities and differences were!

(and this is why we need to document and preserve and archive our shit, it sucks that it's so hard to go back and compare how we were defining ourselves in the past!)