#but i know I'm going to look pack on this period in five or ten years

[gingerslemonade]

All I'm saying is that, if this truly be God's will, I have absolutely won

[welcometothejianghu]

Welcome to another round of W2 Tells You What You Should See, where W2 (me) tries to sell you (you) on something you should be watching. Today's choice: 重啟之極海聽雷/Reunion: The Sound of the Providence/The Lost Tomb Reboot/this thing has too many names

Reunion (I'm just going to call it that) is a 2020 action drama about the most specialest little babygirl in the tomb-raiding world, his two husbands, and the cadre of assorted weirdos they pick up as they try to follow a set of directions left by a dead (?) man in the thunder.

Imagine if someone showed you the Mandalorian, and you were like, gee, that was a neat little sci-fi one-shot! because you'd never heard of Star Wars. That was basically my experience watching this show, having no idea that the Lost Tomb franchise (DMBJ) was even a thing. Turns out that not only is there a whole big continuity out there with these characters, but that Reunion takes place a few years after the main story's resolution. Don't worry, though -- Reunion doesn't spoil you for that resolution. It doesn't spoil you for much, period. Look, DMBJ has a weird relationship to endings, okay?

I have written a more thorough where-to-start guide for DMBJ as a whole, so if you want to consider other entry points, well, that information is there for your consideration. Yet it is my opinion that this is the best entry into the overall franchise, and a fun thing to watch just in general, and I'm here to make my case for both of those.

The rest of this rec will assume that you have no familiarity with the DMBJ series. That's okay; you don't need any. All you need is to trust my five reasons you should watch this.

1. Old Man Yaoi

As you begin this show, you are introduced to the Iron Triangle. That's them in the picture up there. Left to right, you have: Xiao Ge, magically tattooed immortal hottie who just got back from ten years in [scene missing]; Wu Xie, our protagonist, who's just a little guy and it's his birthday; and Wang Pangzi, the literal best.

(And yes, Wu Xie is in his 30s and Pangzi is in his 40s, which is not technically old man anything, but ... look, if you watch, you'll see why I think I'm justified in calling it that.)

They are extremely married. They are a disaster trio of disasters so disastrous that no one else should ever be subjected to their chaos. They're going to make sure lots of people are, though, don't you worry about it. Sometimes those people even deserve it.

However, because the show (tragically!!) decides that Xiao Ge has somewhere else to be like 95% of the runtime, most of the relationship you get to see is between Wu Xie and Pangzi.

I'm saying this now as an old gay nerd who just this year celebrated her 15th wedding anniversary: I have never, never felt so represented in media as I have watching Wu Xie and Pangzi interact. There's a little wake-up song they sing together near the end of the show, and it just ... it packs so much character development into thirty seconds. These boys have been living adjacent lives for so long that they've made up their own little shared songs about the mundanities of daily living. That is just what happens when you marry your best friend and then decide to get old and weird together. Ask me how I know.

Look, if you want to know whether this show is for you or not, watch to the end of the first episode, to the part where Pangzi flips over the table. If your heart is filled with joy (as it should be), keep going.

Love makes a tomb-raiding syndicate family.

2. A fun-filled action-packed romp of nonsense!

If you're familiar with Hellblazer canon, this will make sense to you: Reunion is Dangerous Habits. If you're not familiar with Hellblazer canon, try it like this: Reunion is a terrible place to start because it plays on your extant affection for a character who gains a terrible status effect almost immediately. It's a also great place to start because it throws you right in the action with measurably high stakes and gives you a reason to build that affection very quickly.

I'm also going to warn you right off the bat: The plot of this show got cut to ribbons by censors.

See, the DMBJ books, being books, are allowed to get away with supernatural shit! So you've got zombies and ghosts and curses and monsters and immortality and all your other standard ooky spooky semi-urban fantasy trappings. But the DMBJ adaptations, being live-action, are heavily regulated in their content. This is why, in the early Reunion episodes, our heroes are menaced by human-looking creatures that are actually ancient mannequins made of leather that are piloted, mecha-style, by evil clams. Because evil clams are more scientific than zombies. I guess.

So yeah, the plot of this book already had to get mangled into a more "science"-compliant shape even before it made it to filming. The real problem is that a whole lot more of it got cut after it was all filmed and put together. I have read an explanation of what the actual storyline was supposed to be, and yeah, if you know what you’re looking at, you can see (and hear) the scars where major elements got hacked out with a weed whacker.

Therefore: You cannot expect this plot to make sense.

But that's okay! You're not here for the plot to make sense! You're here to watch some characters you love run around through ridiculous and sometimes beautiful labyrinths, trying to solve puzzles you're never given enough information to understand, all in search of the resolution to a mystery that had half its guts torn out before you got to see it -- and you are here to love it. If you have ever laughed and cheered your way through a Mission: Impossible film without pausing to care too much about the plot holes it’s dodging left and right, you are in the correct frame of mind to appreciate this. Just believe that whatever engaging nonsense the show tells you is correct for the time being and go with it.

You cannot watch DMBJ and care about the laws of physics. You simply cannot.

Do not, however, let me give you the impression that the shoddy plotting is accompanied by equally shoddy performances. A major part of this show’s incredible watchability comes from how the cast is shockingly good. There are some serious heavy hitters among the actors. A major part of why this Wu Xie and Pangzi are my favorite together is the incredible chops both Zhu Yilong and Chen Minghao have, to say nothing of their real-life affection for one another. (See that scar on Wu Xie's neck? That scar is there because Zhu Yilong commits to the bit.) Effortlessly charming Mao Xiaotong turns potentially irritating wunderkind Bai Haotian into a perfect precious weirdo baby. Wu Erbai's entire second-season character arc could have been unintentionally comedic, but veteran of queer cinema Hu Jun sells even the undignified moments as relentlessly tragic. And of course Baron Chen absolutely kills it with...

3. This giant fucking loser

This is Hei Xiazi. That's not his name, but it's close enough. Allow me to do a dramatic reenactment of my watching his first scene:

[camera pans over to him]

me: Ugh, I recognize this kind of wannabe badass character design. I hate his type. He's self-important, hyper-masculine, and just a big jerk, and the show thinks he's soooo cool. Barf.

[thirty seconds later]

me: Oh no. I was so wrong. I love him forever now.

This is because he is (as indicated above) a giant fucking loser. Yes, he's a good fighter who knows lots of things. He's also a wet potato chip of a man. Sure, he can get you into a headlock, but he can also annoy you into submission, and that's honestly more fun for him. My wife has used the phrase “Vash the Stampede-coded” to describe him. My wife is not wrong.

And the kind of ridiculous thing is, being such a loser is what wraps back around to making him cool again. He's a loser because he just doesn't fucking care. His masculinity is the opposite of fragile. You tell him to wear a dress and makeup, he'll do it -- and sure, he'll complain, but only because he enjoys complaining. He has no dignity. He’s tits-out. He's gender. He's the worst and also the best.

Hei Xiazi is a major character in the other installations, to the point where he and his boyfriend (more on him later) even have their own movie. But of course, I did not know this on my first watch, so I kept expecting the show to explain his whole deal. It does not, but you don't really need it to. He sees better in the dark. He doesn't age. He's a thug for hire. There, that's all the bio you need.

One of the things that makes him great is that he is the least sexually threatening person ever. Across all the properties he's in, he spends a fair amount of time with women -- sometimes in very close quarters -- and they are perfectly safe around him. I actually wrote a whole post about it once upon a time (warning for tiny spoilers for a series that isn't this one) wherein I claim that not only Xiazi but Reunion in general is the television equivalent of the shirt that says I RESPECT WOMEN SO MUCH I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THEM.

That said, this loser does get a sort-of romance plot here -- and honestly, I find it very cute! It's not even the only instance in this series of a bisexual guy in a long-term same-sex relationship getting a girlfriend, and I like that other one too! Look, the handle of my DMBJ sideblog is @katamaricule because I joked that Wu Xie treats polyamory like a katamari, and if you don't move fast enough, you're going to be rolled right up into his gay little cuddle puddle.

This is not a show for exclusive ships; this is a show for inclusive ships. The Jiumen Association is a polycule. You don't even have to know what the Jiumen Association is to know it's true.

4. The power of friendship

This show has a lot of characters.

I'd say the supporting cast is divided into three categories: characters who have been in previous installments, characters who have not been in previous installments, and characters who probably should have been in previous installments (or at least mentioned) but who were only created for Reunion so we have to pretend like we've known about them all along.

There is no way to tell which is which -- which is part of my argument that this series makes a good entry point to the franchise.

Take Huo Daofu. Huo Daofu is a brilliant doctor masquerading as a donut stand operator who treats Wu Xie with all the cold disdain of a man confronting the person who left him at the altar years ago. On the one hand, yes! We do know Huo Daofu from a previous series, and we've known he's both a doctor and a bitch. On the other hand, oh, we have no idea why he's like this about Wu Xie, and we probably never will. The show just treats it like it's for an excellent reason, and you know what, from what you know about Wu Xie, it probably is.

Consider also Jiang Zisuan. One of the show's principal antagonists, Jiang Zisuan turns out to be the brother of ... well, let's just say it's someone whose having a brother really should have come up before this. It has not come up. (And that's even before we get into the issue of his surname.) His stated identity as that person's brother is so bizarre that my favorite interpretation is that he isn't actually that person's brother -- all the flashbacks we see are just his delusions about a relationship he's completely invented. But there's no way you'd know how fucking weird this is on your first run.

Then there's our friendly little support himbo, Kanjian, who shows up to all occasions with two tickets to the gun show and not a thought in that beautiful head. (His name just means "vest," which is par for the course when it comes to the author's naming conventions.) He was a lot more menacing in the last series (where they kept putting sleeves on him, geez), where most of what we learned about him is that you can loan him out to other tomb-raiding families. Now he's a golden retriever with great aim and a slingshot. It's an upgrade.

The trick is, you cannot be surprised when someone shows up and the show treats them like you should know who they are, even when there's no possible way you could know who they are. I mean, for heaven's sake, Liu Sang arrives in the middle of an obvious beef with Pangzi, the origins of which are never satisfactorily explained, while also having a giant do-I-want-to-fuck-him-or-do-I-want-to-be-him crush on Xiao Ge, which is also never satisfactorily explained. Whatever, you just roll with it. He's got good hearing, a bad attitude, and questionable taste in idols. Now you're good to go.

(I should throw in a special note here that Liu Sang is many, many people's little meow meow, and not undeservedly. For a fuller explanation of why that is, please consult this other post I made.)

Part of the fun of this big cast is the adorable interactions you get. All the characters have appropriately big personalities, and the show loves letting people you wouldn’t expect bounce off one another. It’s not your typical action-hero show where nothing happens without the protagonist in the room. There are lots of exciting combinations and tons of charming dynamics! Unlikely friendships form all over the place! Enemies become allies! Allies become friends! Friends become friends with other friends! Some friends become enemies again! You'll need a scoreboard to keep up!

This is not to say the show treats all its characters perfectly or equally -- one of the precious few main female characters doesn't even get a real name, for heaven's sake, and the less said about the brownface racism, the better. It is, at its heart, a dude show for dudes made in China, with all the troubling decision-making that implies. Where it does deserve credit, though, is in understanding that its supporting characters are actual people with personalities apart from their function in Wu Xie's narrative. Sometimes the show just asks "what if [random character A] and [random character B] had to interact?" and has fun considering the answer! Which is almost always a delight to watch, and sometimes even breaks your heart.

5. Amazing rewatch value!

And by this I mean the experience of watching this show is remarkably different once you have any understanding of the rest of the DMBJ universe.

For instance, there's a point where two characters are scuba-diving past some submerged coffins, and one character tells the other whose coffins they are. Working only on information Reunion has given you, you're like, oh, that's where they buried the guy who built this creepy place, that's a little weird. Once you recognize that name from other series, though, your reaction is far more, excuse me, they did WHAT to WHOSE corpses?

Or another point where a character you've already met is on a train, and there's a handsome gentleman who just happens to be riding with her. He hands her his business card! Aw, that's sweet, he seems like a nice guy! Well, no, Xie Yuchen is not nice, but he is one of our allies, and he's Hei Xiazi's boyfriend, and a lot of what he's doing hits real different when you have a fuller grasp on why he's doing it and for whom. (Honestly, a major reason to watch Reunion first is so you're not fully and appropriately upset by how your black/pink gays merely have one teeny tiny scene together.)

From the way the series treats the persistent absence of Wu Sanxing, Wu Xie's third uncle, I absolutely, 100% assumed that he was a completely new character to this installment of the series, an extremely long-lost relative that we've somehow conveniently managed to never talk about before now. So imagine my gobsmacked surprise when I went to watch a different series, set much earlier in the timeline, where the opening scene prominently features Wu Sanxing as an actual character in the present-day narrative! ...Well, sorta. Look, there's a lot of fuckery with his identity in earlier parts of the story, and fortunately you need to know none of it to understand Reunion. But when you do, it suddenly makes a lot more sense why Wu Xie talks about someone who was a major part of Wu Xie's adult life like he died when Wu Xie was nine.

AND THE FLASHBACK SCENE WHERE A-NING GETS KILLED BY THE SNAKE, AND YOU'RE LIKE, OKAY, AND THEN YOU WATCH ULTIMATE NOTE AND IT WASN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL look, I know there are kinda reasons for this, different production companies and all, but seriously, what the fuck

All of which to say is that the experience of watching Reunion the first time is, hey, this self-contained romp is a lot of fun! The experience of rewatching it after watching any of the other DMBJ installments is a transcendently wonderful head-clutching avalanche of one moment of recognition right after another.

And here's the thing: You will watch more. Reunion is a gateway drug. If you are interested enough to make it through all 62 episodes, you're going to be interested in watching more. Which is great. The English-speaking fandom needs more people. Come down into the tombs. It's great down here. We've got snakes and arguably unintentional homoeroticism. Join us. Join usssssssss

Are you ready for an aventure?

There are a couple different ways to watch the first half, but there's (weirdly) only one way to watch the second, so for both of them, I'm going to send you straight to iQiyi: Season 1 (32 episodes) and Season 2 (30 episodes).

And just so you’re ready when Reunion is done, here’s how you find the rest of the DMBJ series, in the absolutely non-chronological order in which I, personally, think you should watch them:

The Lost Tomb 2 (AsianCrush, YouTube)

Ultimate Note (iQiyi)

The Mystic Nine (iQiyi, Viki)

Sand Sea/Tomb of the Sea (Viki, WeTV, YouTube, also YouTube)

Also, there's a lot of movies and side series and other pieces that are worth seeing, and even a couple of full series I've left off the list, and you can just slot them in wherever. And maybe we'll get Tibetan Sea Flo-- IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! And someday maybe I'll actually have time to watch it! What a concept.

They're so perfect. Perfect triangle. Perfect boys.

[yet-another-deanw-girl]

Chapter 1: The girl and the werewolves

||The Prophecy Series||

She knew for 15 years that this day would come. She knew her destiny had already been written. That her death had been foretold.

She knew she would have to stop him. She knew she would have to kill him. And she thought she was prepared for all of it. But the day she met him she realized how wrong she was…

Set in Season 10 Pairing: MoC!Dean x Female!OC

Warnings: the usual SPN, language, violence, blood, injuries

Episode mapping: The end of episode 4 of season 10 "Paper Moon"

Note: The events of this story are following season 10 of Supernatural and are taking place between October 2014 and July 2015. I tried to make sure that all the references to weapons, tech, etc. are accurate with the time period.

AN: This is my first time writing a fanfic but the story has been in my head for too long and it just needed to get out. I hope you like it.

AN: English is not my first language, I apologize for any mistakes.

It's official… I hate the States.  I have been driving for over half an hour and there is nothing around.  NOTHING!  Here you can just disappear and no one will ever know. Long distances, distant people, crappy coffee…  I really miss the coffee…  Well, at least, the food was decent most of the time… I'm impatient to go back home, so I'm overdramatic. Moreover, I haven't really spoken to anyone for more than two weeks… that alone drove me crazy and irritated. Thank God this mission is over now! Take a deep breath and make a plan. That always calms my nerves. First, I have about three or four more hours of driving until I get to the private airstrip where the plane is waiting for me… that's insane… how is everything so far apart here… Deep breaths… Then, about a ten hour flight to Prague.  I'll probably sleep the entire time…  Or I can write my report…  First I’ll write my report, then I’ll sleep. After landing, I'll have my debriefing… and real coffee. Then… go to my apartment… pack a bag… and go to the airport… I have been waiting for this vacation for so long. To see my family…

I'm entering a small town and I see the local diner on my side of the road. Going through my plan in my head has improved my mood significantly. I always function better when I have a detailed plan. But I still need coffee. So with a dream of a latte or cappuccino in my mind, I park the Jeep and walk into the diner to get whatever excuse of a coffee they have. Five minutes later, with a to-go cup in my hand, I'm climbing back in the monstrous car. I really love this car. It's always funny to see the looks I'm receiving. I'm not the shortest woman in the world, but I'm no more than 1.70m (it's about 5 '7) and this Jeep is enormous. But I like driving it. And, I like all the modifications I've done on it over the years. While driving out of the town and the buildings are more and more apart from each other, a cabin catches my attention. Well, not the cabin itself, but the two figures going inside. Just before they went inside, their faces shifted. What day is it? It's not a full moon, right? I count the days in my head. It is a full moon. Great! Werewolves. I hesitate only for a second, before I stop my car down the road so they will not see me coming. Driving a car like this has some disadvantages after all. I push several buttons on the car's dashboard screen, to check my armory and a weapon is produced for me to use. When the central console on my right opens, I reach out to take the gun. I scowl at the Beretta 92 that is inside.

Created with Microsoft Designer

"Of course!" I mutter under my breath. "I can't even use my own guns here!" I remind myself that I'm not supposed to raise any suspicions or to give any clues about who I am and who I'm working for. It's hard when you are a person of details and when you like things in a certain way. Unfortunately, my custom guns are locked in the car safe, until I'm boarding the plane to Europe. I take the standard US law enforcement gun and two spare magazines with silver bullets and I'm on my way to the cabin. "Fuck… I haven't even finished that coffee!" Engaging in those kinds of situations is not really in the scope of my operation here. Actually, it is way out of it. But I can't just walk away, keep driving and pretend I haven't seen anything. Not when there are innocent people in danger here… probably… 'Probably' is the key word… So I decide, I'll just look at what is going on in there and if, indeed, there are lives being threatened, only then I'll get involved.

Of course there are lives in stake. When I look inside the dimly lit building, I see the silhouettes of two men being tied to the pillars. Three werewolves are inside with them, the two men I saw earlier, and a younger blond woman… girl actually... It looks like she is in charge or has some authority over the others. I take in the layout of the place and make a map in my mind, all the people, the exits, the pillars, the piles of junk, the old furniture... Every little crack, every window and every beam…  And I make a plan…  And a backup plan…  And a backup plan.  I have it all laid out in my head, a perfect tactical assault mission.  In reality, this takes only a couple of seconds. My mind works in a strange way, but that's one of the things that makes me good at my job and has helped me climb the ranks quickly. I go in from the back door and immediately shoot down the two men. The girl with the long blond hair is standing in front of one of the hostages tied to the columns and puts her claws to his chest when she sees me.

Created with Microsoft Designer

"Put down the gun, or I will gut him!" - she says to me. Another blond girl barges in and stops abruptly when she realizes the situation. "Tash, what are you doing?" she exclaims, looking at the girl threatening one of the victims. "Kate! Come here and help me!" - the girl says. Now, when I have a better look at her she looks really young, maybe just finished high school. I take advantage of everyone being distracted, and shoot. The girl hits the ground. I turn around, aiming my weapon at the second girl. "No, no, no!" - the two men yell in unison. I lower my gun and the girl runs to the body of her dead sister. At least they look like sisters.

I holster my gun and take the knife from my boot turning around to cut off the ropes of the two men. No, no, no, no…  I definitely fucked up…  What the hell…  I NEVER fuck up!  I was not supposed to make any contact with them. I was here to observe and report. Fuck, fuck, fuck… Shit! Ok… I'll just cut them down and then I'm on my way to the airstrip. I start cutting the rope tying up Dean's hands above his head. I have to stand on my tiptoes and I barely can reach the rope. "Hey, shortstack, do you need a stepping stool or something?" Sam teases and I snort at his comment. "Short or not, I'm not the one tied up by a highschool girl…" Fuck! Those boys are really tall up close!

I'm almost done when Sam yells "Watch out!!!" I press the knife into Dean's hand, so he can finish cutting the rope himself and pull out my gun while turning around.  Sharp pain stings my abdomen before I'm able to pull the trigger.  The gunshot rings in the air of the cabin followed by a heavy thump. I clench my stomach. That's bad.  That's really, really bad.  How did this all happen?  Where did he come from?  How did I miss him?  Maybe he came after the second woman… girl… My mind is racing, trying to analyze every little detail and every possibility. But it doesn't matter right now.  This must be the unluckiest day of my life! First, I stumbled on my targets, and now this!  I know this will not kill me.  This is not the way I'm supposed to go and now is definitely not the time. But it hurts like hell, nonetheless and for a moment, panic sneaks in my mind.  I haven't been in such deep shit in a long long time. I have been in far more dangerous situations, but I hadn't screwed up like this in years. Deep breaths… make a plan… "Hey! Are you ok?" Dean asks me when he is done untying his brother. "Yeah!" I say through my clenched teeth and without even turning to them I start walking to the front door. I'll just have to go to my car, stitch this up, and then…  My head starts spinning.  Shit, I'm losing too much blood. I'm not going to make it to the car…

The woman had barged in, shot all of the rogue werewolves in a matter of seconds and without saying a word was now walking to the front door. "Wait a minute! Where do you think you're going?"  I yell and run after her.  Just when I'm reaching to grab her arm to stop her, she collapses and I manage to catch her at the last moment. "What the hell!"  I mumble but then I see the gash in her stomach. It's deep and she is losing blood too fast. "Sam! Find the first aid kit and get the car! NOW!"

Chapter 2: Protocol EG-64 initiated >>

||The Prophecy Series||

[austenpoppy]

How the fight in "The Goblin's revenge" came to be - an analysis

I've repeated over and over that my analysis of the fight between Harry and Ron during this chapter was different from what other people tend to see, and that the only one I truly blame in all of this is Voldemort, who is the character of the series I hate the most (and I really think Voldemort's evil genius is underrated). Yes, I do hate Voldemort more than Umbridge, and the first thing we need to be clear on is that the locket is not an object - it's Voldemort trapped in an object. Big difference.

I think it's time I explain why.

I'm actually going to start with Harry's point of view during that entire period, so that you'll have a better grasp of the lens through which I view things when I talk about Ron's point of view and briefly breach Hermione's (because we have very little information on what the locket did to Hermione).

One of my goal here is to make you feel empathy/sympathy/compassion for both Harry and Ron, abused or tortured by Voldemort - if you don't after reading this, then I failed. My other goal is to make people realize how much Voldemort controlled and manipulated the fight.

If you come out of reading this post thinking that none of the three friends were to blame for the fight, like I do, then I'll consider my mission in this world almost done (yes I do have a taste for drama).

Harry - loneliness, depression, fear of abandonment

I don't know if you remember, but Harry didn't start wearing the locket in "The Goblin's revenge". The first time Harry put the locket around his neck was in the chapter just before that ("The thief"). And we were immediately shown, only five paragraphs later, the terrible influence of Voldemort on Harry's thought process.

“Keep it safe till we work out how to destroy it.” Harry replied, and, little though he wanted to, he hung the chain around his own neck, dropping the locket out of sight beneath his robes, where it rested against his chest beside the pouch Hagrid had given him.

“I think we should take it in turns to keep watch outside the tent,” he added to Hermione, standing up and stretching.

“And we’ll need to think about some food as well. You stay there,” he added sharply, as Ron attempted to sit up and turned a nasty shade of green.

With the Sneakoscope Hermione had given Harry for his birthday set carefully upon the table in the tent, Harry and Hermione spent the rest of the day sharing the role of lookout.

However, the Sneakoscope remained silent and still upon its point all day, and whether because of the protective enchantments and Muggle-repelling charms Hermione had spread around them, or because people rarely ventured this way, their patch of wood remained deserted, apart from occasional birds and squirrels. Evening brought no change; Harry lit his wand as he swapped places with Hermione at ten

o’clock, and looked out upon a deserted scene, noting the bats fluttering high above him across the single patch of starry sky visible from their protected clearing.

He felt hungry now, and a little light-headed. Hermione had not packed any food in her magical bag, as she had assumed that they would be returning to Grimmauld Place that night, so they had had nothing to eat except some wild mushrooms that Hermione had collected from amongst the nearest trees and stewed in a Billycan. After a couple of mouthfuls Ron had pushed his portion away, looking queasy; Harry had only persevered so as to not hurt Hermione’s feelings.

The surrounding silence was broken by odd rustlings and what sounded like cracklings of twigs: Harry thought that they were caused by animals rather than people, yet he kept his wand held tight at the ready. His insides, already uncomfortable due to their inadequate helping of rubbery mushrooms, tingled with unease.

The "unease" mentioned in the last paragraph is described in more details in the paragraphs just after and is a direct indication of the influence of the locket, but I would like to pause here before going further and make a note of Harry's situation in this scene.

This isn't a coincidence if his feelings of unease took hold at this exact moment. Harry spent the entire day without being able to eat properly and feels "a bit light-hearted" due to lack of food - his "unease" is actually mentioned in the same sentence as his hunger.

Furthermore, Harry is completely alone in that scene, since he has to keep watch, and therefore has all the time in the world to focus on his inner thoughts since there's no direct action to be done. He's thus alone at night, with Voldemort around his neck, while his best friends are talking in the tent.

He had thought that he would feel elated if they managed to steal back the Horcrux, but somehow he did not; all he felt as he sat looking out at the darkness, of which his wand lit only a tiny part, was worry about what would happen next. It was as

though he had been hurtling toward this point for weeks, months, maybe even years, but now he had come to an abrupt halt, run out of road.

The way his actions are pictured here is a direct metaphor of what's happening to him mentally because of the locket: he's only slowly starting to look at "the darkness" of his own psyche, and what he feels and thinks in this moment is only "a tiny part" of it.

And out of the blue, Harry feels hopeless. He has absolutely no rational reason to think that any progress is impossible, since the Trio just managed to steal a Horcruxe, yet he feels as if he's already given everything he had and that he's "run out of road" - so he has nothing to look forward to.

There were other Horcruxes out there somewhere, but he did not have the faintest idea where they could be. He did not even know what all of them were. Meanwhile he was at a loss to know how to destroy the only one that they had found, the Horcrux that currently lay against the bare flesh of his chest. Curiously, it had not taken heat from his body, but lay so cold against his skin it might just have emerged from icy water. From time to time Harry thought, or perhaps imagined, that he could feel the tiny heartbeat ticking irregularly alongside his own. Nameless forebodings crept upon him as he sat there in the dark. He tried to resist them, push them away, yet they came at him relentlessly. Neither can live while the other survives. Ron and Hermione, now talking softly behind him in the tent, could walk away if they wanted to: He could not. And it seemed to Harry as he sat there trying to master his own fear and exhaustion, that the Horcrux against his chest was ticking away the time he had left… Stupid idea, he told himself, don’t think that…

Here. I could almost walk away and leave you with that, because the way Voldemort influenced and abused Harry is described here in a nutshell, and it's done very explicitly.

The first few lines of this paragraph are linked with the previous paragraph, and explain why Harry'd feel hopeless. He's submerged by the difficulty of the task he's been set out to do, and his lack of knowledge about what the other Horcruxes are or their location, his lack of knowledge about the way they could destroy the only Horcruxe the Trio has, the huge number of things that need to be done.

Then Harry reflects on the physical aspects associated with the locket, and you can clearly understand that this is not a normal object: this is Voldemort. The locket is "cold", so cold that it reminds Harry of "icy water", which is a metaphor for Voldemort's lack of emotion and empathy. Can you see how the balance of power is tilted towards Voldemort here ? The locket didn't take "heat from [Harry's] body", but instead makes Harry's skin cold - basically, Voldemort is not influenced by Harry's goodness and warmth, but Harry is influenced by Voldemort's manipulations and coldness that directly affect his skin. Even more than that, Harry can feel Voldemort's heartbeat against his own - it's about as explicit a metaphor you can have for "being close emotionally" and making yourself "vulnerable" (think about the fact that mentioning two hearts beating together has huge romantic undertones, and you'll understand how intimately and creepily close to the trio Voldemort was at that time).

The two next sentences is a direct explanation of what Voldemort did to Harry - he read his fears and insecurities, and abused him with it. Those fears are described as "nameless forebodings", as if they were external bodies Harry couldn't see, almost like shadows, "coming at him" (the verb used here is a synonym for "attacking") "relentlessly". They're so persistent Harry can't resist them, and he's forced to feel the full force of the shadows, which are therefore not "nameless" anymore.

And what is the first "nameless foreboding" attacking his mind ? His first thought is that he's actually alone in this deadly adventure that may lead to his death, and that if they wanted to, Ron and Hermione, who are currently talking "behind him" in the tent could leave him because they don't have a destiny being forced upon them and are only here because they care about him. This is the first time that Harry, in this book, thinks Ron and Hermione might leave him.

Doesn't it remind you of all Harry's inner thoughts in the "Goblin's revenge", of all his fears and insecurities that flared up during the fight ?

That's right. Voldemort just exploited the deep fear of abandonment that Harry is suffering from because of years of mental abuse and trauma (when Dumbledore died, for example, Harry said that Dumbledore had just left him), and planted the first seed of what was going to become the fight.

You have then a sentence that implies the locket is like a watch ticking, and counting the time Harry has left [before dying] (though honestly it wasn't wrong, that was probably exactly what Voldemort was doing).

Finally, Harry realizes that the thoughts coming to his mind are counter productive, and he's trying to talk himself out of thinking them - as if he hadn't been in control of his own thoughts up until that point (because, let's be honest, do you remember a time in the HP books when Harry thought "I shouldn't think that at all" ? No, the best we had was "I'm going to deal with this later")

His scar was starting to prickle again. He was afraid that he was making it happen by having these thoughts, and tried to direct them into another channel. He thought of poor Kreacher, who had expected them home and had received Yaxley instead. Would the elf keep silent or would he tell the

Death Eater everything he knew? Harry wanted to believe that Kreacher had changed towards him in the past month, that he would be loyal now, but who knew what would happen? What if the Death Eaters tortured the elf? Sick images swarmed into Harry’s head and he tried to push these away too, for there was nothing he could do for Kreacher: He and Hermione had already decided against trying to summon him; what if someone from the Ministry came too? They could not count on elfish Apparition being free from the same flaw that had taken Yaxley to Grimmauld Place on the hem of Hermione’s sleeve.

And surprise, surprise, Harry's scar starts hurting him, and Harry's afraid that's caused by the dark thoughts he's just had...that were caused by Voldemort abusing him with his insecurities.

What follows is an attempt on Harry's part to distract himself from his first and deepest fears (that he's alone, that he's going to be abandoned, that he's going to die) with another subject, namely Kreacher, and failing. As soon as Kreacher enters his mind, Harry comes up with pessimistic scenarii and uncomfortable questions (and yes, the "who knew what would happen now ?" is a parallel to the worry about "what would happen next" in the paragraph describing his unease), and "sick images" swarm his head...so horrible that he once again tries to push the thoughts away.

Harry’s scar was burning now. He thought that there was so much they did not know: Lupin had been right about magic they had never encountered or imagined. Why hadn’t Dumbledore explained more? Had he thought that there would be time; that he would live for years, for centuries perhaps, like his friend Nicolas Flamel? If so, he had been wrong… Snape had seen to that… Snape, the sleeping snake, who had struck at the top of the tower.

Now Harry's scar is "burning", and he's once again plagued by thoughts pertaining to his lack of knowledge in regard to the Horcruxe Hunt, and his slight frustration towards Dumbledore. And just after, Harry is seized with a vision of Voldemort.

Once they had pitched the tent in the shelter of a small copse of trees and surrounded it with freshly cast defensive enchantments. Harry ventured out under the Invisibility Cloak to find sustenance. This, however, did not go as planned. He had barely entered the town when an unnatural chill, a descending mist, and a sudden darkening of the skies made him freeze where he stood.

“But you can make a brilliant Patronus!” protested Ron, when Harry arrived back at the tent empty handed, out of breath, and mouthing the single word, dementors. “I couldn’t… make one.” he panted, clutching the stitch in his side. “Wouldn’t… come.”

The next morning, Harry "venture[s] out under the Invisibility Cloak" to find food, but, faced with Dementors, he is absolutely unable to cast a Patronus. It's of course obvious that the reason he couldn't do that is because he was wearing the locket. Voldemort therefore acted in a way that is reminiscent of the Dementors, and leaves Harry defenceless against the embodiment of depression.

Another element to note here is Harry's shame. Harry always has a tendency, in the books, to feel shame whenever he has the impression that he is weak or vulnerable (which is why he was afraid to say anything about his fear of the Grim in the third book, for example), and here his inability to defend himself definitely triggered this automatic response in Harry. Furthermore, what really made Harry ashamed in this scene is above all the deception of Ron and Hermione - or, if I rephrase it slightly, Harry felt ashamed because his inability to pull off his skills in Defence Against the Dark Arts disappointed Ron and Hermione.

Crazy how scenes like that paved the way for the fight in the end of the chapter, right ?

So we still haven’t got any food.”“Shut up, Ron,” snapped Hermione. “Harry, what happened? Why do you think you couldn’t make your Patronus? You managed perfectly yesterday!” “I don’t know.” He sat low in one of Perkins’s old armchairs, feeling more humiliated by the moment. He was afraid that something had gone wrong inside him. Yesterday seemed a long time ago: today me might have been thirteen years old again, the only one who collapsed on the Hogwarts Express.

This last paragraph simply reinforces what I've said above. While the first reason Harry got ashamed is that he felt like he was letting Ron and Hermione down, he also felt that way because of his need not to appear vulnerable or weak.

Ron kicked a chair leg. “What?” he snarled at Hermione. “I’m starving! All I’ve had since I bled half to death is a couple of toadstools!” “You go and fight your way through the dementors, then,” said Harry, stung. “I would, but my arm’s in a sling, in case you hadn’t noticed!” “That’s convenient.”

Harry, overwhelmed by his feelings of shame after one day of abuse at the hands of Voldemort, starts taking it out on his friends, almost resentful that they (here Ron) are not the ones who have to deal with the pressure of saving the world, resentful that he has to be the leader.

After only one day (one day!) of wearing the Horcruxe (not even one day, actually), Harry started being passive aggressive towards Ron, telling his best friend, who had almost bled to death the day before and can't use his arm, that he's basically using his injury as an excuse not to act and/or that he's faking or overplaying his injury in order not to do anything.

And you all want to make me think people could really control themselves while wearing the locket ? I guess you have a lower opinion of Harry than I do then.

Now I want you to imagine what could have happened had Hermione not realized that the locket was affecting Harry. What would have happened had Harry kept on being passive aggressive and had Harry escalated the discussion into a full-blown argument, for example ? Indeed, Hermione actually stopped the argument from escalating there, unlike what is going to happen later in the chapter.

Exactly. Let that sink in.

This scene is also the reason why I think Harry was way more irritable and irascible than what he lets on as he describes the situation later on to the readers, probably because he couldn't see it himself.

She held out her hands, and Harry lifted the golden chain over his head. The moment it parted contact with Harry’s skin he felt free and oddly light. He had not even realized that he was clammy or that there was a heavy weight pressing on his stomach until both sensations lifted.

This is what happens when Harry removes the locket after one day of wearing Voldemort around his neck : he realizes he was "clammy" (definition of "clammy": "cold and damp", the coldness here being once again a veiled reference to Voldemort's influence on Harry) and feels "free" and "oddly light".

The expression "oddly light" is particularly interesting to me, because the meaning of the adjective "light" is ambiguous : in this case it can mean either "cheerful", and here the feeling would be induced by the lifting on the "heavy weight pressing on his stomach" (which is an obvious reference to the negative thoughts and feelings of helplessness and doom induced by the locket), or "dizzy", which would imply Harry was losing control of himself.

After that, Harry insists that they still need to wear the Horcruxe, and Hermione suggests that they need to take turns wearing it so that "nobody keeps it on too long". Harry describes wearing those times of wearing the locket as moments of "increased fear and anxiety", which in fact reflects what he was feeling wearing that first night being abused by Voldemort - fear in regard to the almost insurmountable task given by Dumbledore, fear of what is awaiting for him at the end of road, fear of being abandoned, anxiety of letting down his friends and anxiety in regard to his role as the leader.

I had completely forgotten how those turns were organized, but we're actually given this information in the book: the three friends each wore Voldemort for "twelve hours or so" before giving it to the next person.

“Yeah, let’s go to Albania. Shouldn’t take more than an afternoon to search an entire country,” said Ron sarcastically.“There can’t be anything there. He’d already made five of his Horcruxes before he went into exile, and Dumbledore was certain the snake is the sixth,” said Hermione. “We know the snake’s not in Albania, it’s usually with Vol-” “Didn’t I ask you to stop say that?” “Fine! The snake is usually with You-Know-Who - happy?” “Not particularly.” “I can’t see him hiding anything at Borgin and Burkes.” said Harry, who had made this point many times before, but said it again simply to break the nasty silence. “Borgin and Burke were experts at Dark objects, they would’ve recognized a Horcrux straightaway.” Ron yawned pointedly. Repressing a strong urge to throw something at him, Harry plowed on, “I still reckon he might have hidden something at Hogwarts.” Hermione sighed. “But Dumbledore would have found it, Harry!” Harry repeated the argument he kept bringing out in favour of this theory. “Dumbledore said in front of me that he never assumed he knew all of Hogwart’s secrets. I’m telling you, if there was one place Vol-” “Oi!” “YOU-KNOW-WHO, then!” Harry shouted, goaded past endurance. “If there was one place that was really important to You-Know-Who, it was Hogwarts!” “Oh, come on,” scoffed Ron. “His school?” “Yeah, his school! It was his first real home, the place that meant he was special: it meant everything to him, and even after he left -” “This is You-Know-Who we’re talking about, right? Not you?” inquired Ron. He was tugging at the chain of the Horcrux around his neck; Harry was visited by a desire to seize it and throttle him.

I know we're supposed to read this scene and see the influence of the locket on Ron, but I'm suggesting another reading of the scene here: Voldemort wasn't just strongly influencing Ron here, but also Harry.

I'm saying this because I truly have the impression that Harry's reactions and violent thoughts are disproportionate compared to not only Ron's behaviour, but also Harry's past reactions.

Sure, Ron is being rather annoying in the eyes of Harry there - he is dismissive of Harry's ideas (without suggesting one himself), keeps insisting on not saying Voldemort's name and interrupts Harry whenever Harry starts pronouncing it, openly yawns while Harry talks and comes across as disdainful, and also makes a remark that is a dig at Harry's emotional vulnerabilities (what I mean by dig is that he's unravelling Harry's vulnerabilities with that remark, something that Harry would positively hate).

But does any of it warrant the level of Harry's annoyance ? Is it enough to justify why Harry had such violent thoughts towards his best friend and shouted at him ? Is Ron's behaviour that annoying that it justifies Harry wanting to "throw something at [Ron]" 'throttle him" with the locket, and shouting at him simply for asking him not to say Voldemort's name ?

I really don't think so. It's a level of anger and aggressivity that is quite baffling if you take a look at what Ron did in that scene, especially if you consider that this happened not long after they started wearing the Horcruxe.

It's even more baffling if you look at Harry's past behaviour. Harry does have strong anger management issues (for example, he threw a badge at Ron's face in the fourth book after Ron simply made a disparaging remark towards him, and strangled Mundungus Fletcher in the sixth book), but at no point in time did Harry ever feel the desire to throttle Ron, not even in the fourth book when they were angry at one another, nor did he ever shout at Ron for asking him not to say Voldemort's name (he would simply ignore him).

Of course, you can argue that Ron didn't just shout at Ron for saying "Oi!" to Harry after Harry started Voldemort's name, but that he did it because he was "goaded past endurance" by Ron's behaviour, and there would be truth to that reasoning.

However, his general feelings of aggressivity still seem really strong in that scene, way stronger than they should be considering Ron and Harry's past interactions.

What I'm suggesting here is that wearing the locket/being abused by Voldemort brought to the surface Harry's anger issues, and they remained even after Harry removed the locket, influencing his reactions and interfering with his emotions and usual behaviour.

You can't spend twelve hours being abused by Voldemort every 24 hours for days and days and weeks and walking away unscathed.

Harry’s scar kept prickling. It happened most often, he noticed, when he was wearing the Horcrux. Sometimes he could not stop himself reacting to the pain.

“What? What did you see?” demanded Ron, whenever he noticed Harry wince.

“A face,” muttered Harry, every time. “The same face. The thief who stole from Gregorovitch.”

And Ron would turn away, making no effort to hide his disappointment. Harry knew that Ron was hoping to hear news of his family or the rest of the Order of the Phoenix, but after all, he, Harry, was not a television aerial; he could only see what Voldemort was thinking at the time, not tune in to whatever took his fancy. Apparently Voldemort was dwelling endlessly on the unknown youth with the gleeful face, whose name and whereabouts, Harry felt sure, Voldemort knew no better than he did. As Harry’s scar continued to burn and the merry, blond-haired boy swam tantalizingly in his memory, he learned to suppress any sign of pain or discomfort, for the other two showed nothing but impatience at the mention of the thief. He could not entirely blame them, when they were so desperate for a lead on the Horcruxes

I've already mentioned that the first time Harry had Voldemort abusing him as he was wearing the locket, Harry's scar started hurting him almost as a direct consequence of Voldemort's close proximity. I've also said that having Voldemort abuse you for hours on end has lasting effects.

You can see it confirmed here, since Harry's scar "ke[eps] prickling" - though Harry's scar was more painful ever since Voldemort came back, at no point in the book did it keep prickling practically non-stop. And of course, the pain/discomfort is even more frequent and strong when he wears the locket.

Other elements are important to note here, and the most noticeable one is the disconnect between Harry and "the other two", and more particularly Harry and Ron. Harry is somewhat frustrated and hurt by his friends' reaction of impatience whenever he tells them what he saw when his scar hurts him, especially because he feels like they're somehow indifferent to his feelings of pain or discomfort, that he thinks he has to hide as a result.

This divide between the friends is even more pronounced between Harry and Ron, and that is due to the fact that, in Harry's eyes, Ron doesn't make any effort to "hide his disappointment" at the fact that Harry can't see what happened to his family. Harry feels used, and the fact that Ron prioritizes news about his family over Harry's present discomfort is a source of resentment for Harry.

As the days stretched into weeks, Harry began to suspect that Ron and Hermione were having conversations without, and about, him. Several times they stopped talking abruptly when Harry entered the tent, and twice he came accidentally upon them, huddled a little distance away, heads together and talking fast; both times they fell silent when they realized he was approaching them and hastened to appear busy collecting wood or water.

Harry could not help wondering whether they had only agreed to come on what now felt like a pointless and rambling journey because they thought he had some secret plan that they would learn in due course. Ron was making no effort to hide his bad mood, and Harry was starting to fear that Hermione too was disappointed by his poor leadership. In desperation he tried to think of further Horcrux locations, but the only one that continued to occur to him was Hogwarts, and as neither of the others thought this at all likely, he stopped suggesting it.

Again, this is not a coincidence if those two paragraphs directly follow passages that describe Voldemort's influence on Harry and a growing divide between the Harry and "the other two". It's also very easy to see that Harry was wearing the locket when he stumbled upon Ron and Hermione talking together: there is very little chance Ron and Hermione would confide in one another and try to comfort one another at times one of them would be influenced by the locket.

The first of those two paragraphs describe moments during which Harry grows more and more isolated from his best friends, who appear to leave out Harry more and more, as if Harry was trying to run after them, yet could never catch up - and their whispered conversations become a source of rumination, speculation and anxiety for Harry. It perfectly parallels his first night wearing the Horcrux, when he was alone in the darkness and Ron and Hermione were talking "behind him".

His worries, too, are a direct development of the fears that plagued his first night. Harry is not only aware that Ron and Hermione could walk away, but is now afraid that they might leave him at any moment notice. Even more than that, he's paranoid that the only reason they agreed to come was that they trusted him as leader, not because they cared about him. His insecurities about his "poor leadership", his shame at letting down his friends in one way or another, and more importantly his growing fear that they're slowly growing away from him, all of it explains "his desperation" at finding something, anything, that might convince them to stay.

Autumn rolled over the countryside as they moved through it. They were now pitching the tent on mulches of fallen leaves. Natural mists joined those cast by the dementors; wind and rain added to their troubles. The fact that Hermione was getting better at identifying edible fungi could not altogether compensate for their continuing isolation, the lack of other people’s company, or their total ignorance of what was going on in the war against Voldemort.

You have to understand that the weather and the seasons, in those parts of the seventh book, are a direct reflection of the way the Trio is feeling. The situation is slowly getting worse, as can attest the presence of wind, rain, and "natural mists". The tent, which represents their mission, is being pitched on "the fallen leaves", that might very well be a metaphor for their minds beginning to crack, or their friendship slowly dissolving under Voldemort's influence.

Several elements make the picture even more sombre and also add to their dire situation: "isolation", "the lack of other people's company", and "their total ignorance" of anything going on "in the war against Voldemort".

Now that the picture is complete, let's see what happened the fateful day they heard the conversation between Dean Thomas, Dirk Cresswell, Ted Tonks, Griphook, and Gornuk. It's interesting to note that, as we know, Ron had been wearing the locket the whole day and that Harry was already irritated by him.

He prodded moodily at the lumps of charred grey fish on his plate. Harry glanced automatically at Ron’s neck and saw, as he had expected, the golden chain of the Horcrux glinting there. He managed to fight down the impulse to swear at Ron, whose attitude would, he knew, improve slightly when the time came to take off the locket.

After that, Harry hears something outside, and the trio gets to spy on the three wizards and the two goblins. Very quickly, Harry realizes that the goblins have crucial information about the sword of Gryffindor that might be extremely useful to his quest.

Inside the tent Harry’s breathing was shallow with excitement: he and Hermione stared at each other, listening as hard as they could.“Didn’t you hear about that, Ted?” asked Dirk. “About the kids who tried to steal Gryffindor’s sword out of Snape’s office at Hogwarts?”

An electric current seemed to course through Harry, jangling his every nerve as he stood rooted to the spot.

You can clearly see how excited Harry is by his finds. But what you have to realize is that this means more than just finding a lead on the Horcruxe Hunt. In light of what I've explained above, in light of Harry's fear of having his friends walk away from him, having any new information means that he might convince his friends to stay with him.

Inside the tent, Harry closed his eyes, willing someone to ask the question he needed answered, and after a minute that seemed ten, Dean obliged: he was (Harry remembered with a jolt) an ex-boyfriend of Ginny’s too.

I simply needed to mention that at first, Harry was very anxious about Ginny's fate after she stole the sword from Snape's office.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione reeled in the Extendable Ears. Harry, who had found the need to remain silent increasingly difficult the longer they eavesdropped, now found himself unable to say more then, “Ginny - the sword -”

Harry's exclamations reflect both his priorities (Ginny's fate was the thing he thought of first, and then the sword of Gryffindor came up), and the way he was torn between his personal feelings for his ex-girlfriend and the important task at hand.

“I know!” said Hermione.

She lunged for the tiny beaded bag, this time sinking her arm in it right up to the armpit.

“Here… we… are…” she said between gritted teeth, and she pulled at something that was evidently in the depths of the bag. Slowly the edge of an ornate picture frame came into sight. Harry hurried to help her. As they lifted the empty portrait of Phineas Nigellus free of Hermione’s bag, she kept her wand pointing at it, ready to cast a spell at any moment.

“If somebody swapped the real sword for the fake while it was in Dumbledore’s office,” she panted, as they propped the painting against the side of the tent, “Phineas Nigellus would have seen it happen, he hangs right beside the case!”

“Unless he was asleep,” said Harry, but he still held his breath as Hermione knelt down in front of the empty canvas, her wand directed at its center, cleared her throat, then said: “Er - Phineas? Phineas Nigellus?”

Nothing happened.

“Phineas Nigellus?” said Hermione again. “Professor Black? Please could we talk to you? Please?”

“‘Please’ always helps,” said a cold, snide voice, and Phineas Nigellus slid into his portrait. At once, Hermione cried: “Obscura!”

A black blindfold appeared over Phineas Nigellus’s clever, dark eyes, causing him to bump into the frame and shriek with pain.

“What - how dare - what are you -?”

“I’m very sorry, Professor Black,” said Hermione, “but it’s a necessary precaution!”

“Remove this foul addition at once! Remove it, I say! You are ruining a great work of art! Where am I? What is going on?”

“Never mind where we are,” said Harry, and Phineas Nigellus froze, abandoning his attempts to peel off the painted blindfold.

“Can that possibly be the voice of the elusive Mr. Potter?”

“Maybe,” said Harry, knowing that this would keep Phineas Nigellus’s interest. “We’ve got a couple of questions to ask you about the sword of Gryffindor.”

“Ah,” said Phineas Nigellus, now turning his head this way and that in an effort to catch sight of Harry, “yes. That silly girl acted most unwisely there -”

“Shut up about my sister,” said Ron roughly.

Phineas Nigellus raised supercilious eyebrows. “Who else is here?” he asked, turning his head from side to side. “Your tone displeases me! The girl and her friends were foolhardily in the extreme. Thieving from the headmaster.”

“They weren’t thieving,” said Harry. “That sword isn’t Snape’s.”

“It belongs to Professor Snape’s school,” said Phineas Nigellus. “Exactly what claim did the Weasley girl have upon it? She deserved her punishment, as did the idiot Longbottom and the Lovegood oddity!”

“Neville is not an idiot and Luna is not an oddity!” said Hermione.

“Where am I?” repeated Phineas Nigellus, starting to wrestle with the blindfold again. “Where have you brought me? Why have you removed me from the house of my forebears?”

“Never mind that! How did Snape punish Ginny, Neville, and Luna?” asked Harry urgently

“Professor Snape sent them into the Forbidden Forest, to do some work for the oaf, Hagrid.” “Hagrid’s not an oaf!” said Hermione shrilly.

“And Snape might’ve though that was a punishment,” said Harry, “but Ginny, Neville, and Luna probably had a good laugh with Hagrid. The Forbidden Forest… they’ve faced plenty worse than the Forbidden Forest, big deal!”

He felt relieved; he had been imagining horrors, the Cruciatus Curse at the very least.

This excerpt shows once again that Harry was almost as excited as he was about the sword of Gryffindor as he was worried about Ginny (who was again his priority, since the first question he asked "urgently" to Phineas Nigellus was the way Snape had punished Ginny, Neville, and Luna). He feels "relieved" when he learns that his friends have been sent to the Forbidden Forrest with Hagrid, simply because Harry faced many terrible things in his life and is therefore desensitized to situations that are below a certain degree of horror - in that case, Harry is relieved to see his friends weren't tortured with the Cruciatus Curse.

And now that his worries about Ginny are lifted, Harry can once again focus on the task at hand and the sword of Gryffindor.

“What we really wanted to know, Professor Black, is whether anyone else has, um, taken out the sword at all? Maybe it’s been taken away for cleaning - or something!”

Phineas Nigellus paused again in his struggles to free his eyes and sniggered.

“Muggle-borns,” he said, “Goblin-made armour does not require cleaning, simple girl. Goblin’s silver repels mundane dirt, imbibing only that which strengthens it.

“Don’t call Hermione simple,” said Harry.

“I grow weary of contradiction,” said Phineas Nigellus. “perhaps it is time for me to return to the headmaster’s office.?”

Still blindfolded, he began groping the side of his frame, trying to feel his way out of his picture and back into the one at Hogwarts. Harry had a sudden inspiration.

“Dumbledore! Can’t you bring us Dumbledore?”

“I beg your pardon?” asked Phineas Nigellus.

“Professor Dumbledore’s portrait - couldn’t you bring him along, here, into yours?”

Phineas Nigellus turned his face in the direction of Harry’s voice.

“Evidently it is not only Muggle-borns who are ignorant, Potter. The portraits of Hogwarts may commune with each other, but they cannot travel outside of the castle except to visit a painting of themselves elsewhere. Dumbledore cannot come here with me, and after the treatment I have received at your hands, I can assure you that I will not be making a return visit!”

Slightly crestfallen, Harry watched Phineas redouble his attempts to leave his frame.

“Professor Black,” said Hermione, “couldn’t you just tell us, please, when was the last time the sword was taken out of its case? Before Ginny took it out, I mean?”

Phineas snorted impatiently.

“I believe that the last time I saw the sword of Gryffindor leave its case was when Professor Dumbledore used it to break open a ring.”

Hermione whipped around to look at Harry. Neither of them dared say more in front of Phineas Nigellus, who had at least managed to locate the exit.

“Well, good night to you,” he said a little waspishly, and he began to move out of sight again.

Only the edge of his hat brim remained in view when Harry gave a sudden shout.

“Wait! Have you told Snape you saw this?”

Phineas Nigellus stuck his blindfolded head back into the picture.

“Professor Snape has more important things on his mind that the many eccentricities of Albus Dumbledore. Good-bye, Potter!”

And with that, he vanished completely, leaving behind him nothing but his murky backdrop.

“Harry!” Hermione cried.

“I know!” Harry shouted. Unable to contain himself, he punched the air; it was more than he had dared to hope for.

He strode up and down the tent, feeling that he could have run a mile; he did not even feel hungry anymore. Hermione was squashing Phineas Nigellus’s back into the beaded bag; when she had fastened the clasp she threw the bag aside and raised a shining face to Harry.

“The sword can destroy Horcruxes! Goblin-made blades imbibe only that which strengthens them - Harry, that sword’s impregnated with basilisk venom!”

“And Dumbledore didn’t give it to me because he still needed it, he wanted to use it on the locket -”

“- and he must have realized they wouldn’t let you have it if he put it in his will -”

“- so he made a copy -”

“- and put a fake in the glass case -”

“- and he left the real one - where?”

They gazed at east other Harry felt that the answer was dangling invisibly in the air above them, tantalizingly close.

Why hadn’t Dumbledore told him? Or had he, in fact, told Harry, but Harry had not realized it at the time?”

“Think!” whispered Hermione. “Think! Where would he have left it?” “Not at Hogwarts,” said Harry, resuming his pacing.

“Somewhere in Hogsmeade?” suggested Hermione.

“The Shrieking Shack?” said Harry. “Nobody ever goes in there.”

“But Snape knows how to get in, wouldn’t that be a bit risky?”

“Dumbledore trusted Snape,” Harry reminded her.

“Not enough to tell him that he had swapped the swords,” said Hermione.

“Yeah, you’re right!” said Harry, and he felt even more cheered at the thought that Dumbledore had had some reservations, however faint, about Snape’s trustworthiness.

“So, would he have hidden the sword well away from Hogsmeade, then? What d’you reckon, Ron? Ron?”

At this point in time Harry is positively bursting with excitement. He can barely contain himself from talking in front of Phineas Nigellus, and "punche[s] the air" once the latter leaves. He doesn't even feel hunger anymore, he's high on adrenaline and feels unable to remain in place, feeling that "he could have run a mile", and he's even more on a high when he starts to think Dumbledore didn't entirely trust Snape.

Harry looked around. For one bewildered moment he thought that Ron had left the tent, then realized that Ron was lying in the shadow of a bunk, looking stony.

“Oh, remembered me, have you?” he said.

“What?”

Ron snorted as he stared up at the underside of the upper bunk.

“You two carry on. Don’t let me spoil your fun.”

Perplexed, Harry looked to Hermione for help, but she shook her head, apparently as nonplussed as he was.

What is clear here is that Harry has no idea what is going on - he's "perplexed", "bewildered", and "nonplussed" by what Ron is saying, and the simple interjection "What?" indicates he doesn't understand Ron.

What’s the problem?” asked Harry.

"Problem? There’s no problem,” said Ron, still refusing to look at Harry. “Not according to you, anyways.”

There were several plunks on the canvas over their heads. It had started to rain.

“Well, you’ve obviously got a problem,” said Harry. “Spit it out, will you?”

You can almost feel the tension rising: Harry dreads what Ron is going to say, because Ron's "obviously got a problem" and he's refusing to look at Harry. Plus, as I've stated earlier, the weather reflects what's happening to the trio emotionally, and here Harry's jubilation has been replaced by fearful anticipation.

Ron swung his long legs off the bed and sat up. He looked mean, unlike himself.

“All right, I’ll spit it out. Don’t expect me to skip up and down the tent because there’s some other damn thing we’ve got to find. Just add it to the list of stuff you don’t know.”

“I don’t know?” repeated Harry. “I don’t know?”

Plunk, plunk, plunk. The rain was falling harder and heavier; it pattered on the leaf-strewn bank all around them and into the river chattering through the dark. Dread doused Harry’s jubilation; Ron was saying exactly what he had suspected and feared him to be thinking.

We've gone back full circle, guys. The first night Harry wore the locket, he started being anxious about his lack of knowledge about the Horcruxe Hunt and was beginning to think that Ron and Hermione might leave at any time. As the weeks went on, he was desperate to find anything useful that would ensure Ron and Hermione wouldn't leave him because of their lack of progress and what he considered his "poor leadership", while also being resentful of his friends because they weren't "the Chosen One" (and therefore didn't have the same weight on their shoulders), and having his anger issues aggravated.

And now, you have Harry listening to Ron repeating back at him Harry's worst fears; it's not a coincidence if the word chosen here to describe what Harry's feeling is "dread". Harry is in fact already afraid of what Ron is going to do, Harry's already afraid Ron and Hermione might leave him. There's also an undercurrent of resentment in the way Harry talks about his feeling of "dread"; the fact that it replaced his "jubilation" means that Ron is "raining on his parade", if you allow me the expression - which therefore means that what Harry found about the sword is somehow not enough to keep his friend.

It's really crazy, but you'll notice that in some ways, Harry goes back and forth through the so-called "stages of grief" during the fight - in his head he's somehow already lost his friends in a way, or at least he feels like he's losing them, and his reactions show that.

Another element to notice, of course, is that the rain worsened after Ron opened up and Harry heard what he had been fearing since the first time he wore the locket.

“It’s not like I’m not having the time of my life here,” said Ron, “you know, with my arm mangled and nothing to eat and freezing my backside off every night. I just hoped, you know, after we’d been running round a few weeks, we’d have achieved something. “Ron,” Hermione said, but in such a quiet voice that Ron could pretend not to have heard it over the loud tattoo the rain was beating on the tent.

“I thought you knew what you’d signed up for,” said Harry.

“Yeah, I thought I did too.”

“So what part of it isn’t living up to your expectations?” asked Harry. Anger was coming to his defence now. “Did you think we’d be staying in five-star hotels? Finding a Horcrux every other day? Did you think you’d be back to Mummy by Christmas?”

We have no idea whether Ron actually heard Hermione here, but Harry clearly thinks he has but is so hostile that he doesn't want to listen (as shows the use of the word "pretend" here) - in some ways Ron represents Harry's insecurities in the fight, or at least he voices them.

Harry's first statement is very revealing here in the sense that he's indirectly asking Ron why Ron is here, expecting against all odds that Ron is here because he cares and not because he expected Harry to be an all-knowing great leader (well, that's why Ron is here, but Harry doesn't remember it at that point).

Yet as Harry interprets Ron's answer as a confirmation of what he was dreading (that Ron and Hermione were only here with him because they expected Harry to have a plan), Harry is extremely hurt, which immediately leads to anger (second "stage" of grief). This anger is fuelled by months of abuse at the hands of the locket, months of having his fear of abandonment and insecurities toyed with, and months of resentment against his friends piling up.

And so Harry escalates the fight, because Harry wants to see if Ron cares; he wants to see if Ron cares enough about him to stay, even if the situation is dreadful. Part of his reaction is pure resentment and hurt, but a huge part of it is also Harry lashing out at his friend for not caring enough the way Harry wants him to.

We thought you knew what you were doing!” shouted Ron, standing up, and his words pierced Harry like scalding knives. “We thought Dumbledore had told you what to do, we thought you had a real plan!”

“Ron!” said Hermione, this time clearly audible over the rain thundering on the tent roof, but again, he ignored her.

“Well, sorry to let you down,” said Harry, his voice quite calm even though he felt hollow, inadequate. “I’ve been straight with you from the start. I told you everything Dumbledore told me. And in the case you haven’t noticed, we’ve found one Horcrux -”

Ah, bargaining, now. And pain.

See how Harry feels "hollow" and "inadequate" as he tells Ron "sorry to let you down" ? Disappointing Ron and Hermione is exactly what he was most afraid of, and this is one of the reasons Harry became passive aggressive the morning he fought off the Dementors. And of course, the reason why he feels this way is that Ron just voiced the very things Voldemort had abused Harry with (his so-called lack of leadership abilities, his lack of preparation, his lack of plan...), which "pierce[s] Harry like scalding knives".

Just after that, Harry tries to explain his situation and gives one reason to counteract what Ron has said, as if he both wanted to prove his friend and his insecurities wrong and therefore convince Ron (and Hermione) to stay.

“Yeah, and we’re about as near getting rid of it as we are to finding the rest of them - nowhere effing near in other words.”

"Take off the locket, Ron,” Hermione said, her voice unusually high. “Please take it off. You wouldn’t be talking like this if you hadn’t been wearing it all day.”

“Yeah, he would,” said Harry, who did not want excuses made for Ron. “D’you think I haven’t noticed the two of you whispering behind my back? D’you think I didn’t guess you were thinking this stuff?

“Harry, we weren’t -”

Aaaaand we're back to anger.

This is the moment Harry stops wanting to listen and simply wants a fight, as far as I'm concerned. Otherwise, why refusing to let Ron remove the locket ? Why not agreeing with Hermione and let Ron cool down ? Harry knows quite well that if Ron removed the locket he indeed wouldn't talk like that, but he's too angry to care.

The truth is that Harry, at this point, actually wants to take his anger and resentment on both Ron and Hermione, letting his fears, which had been toyed with by the Horcruxe, overwhelm him. Harry wants to know if Ron and Hermione regret being here with him, and the months of mulling and getting anxious over this have become too much for him. Harry dreads the answer to the question, but he's almost begging them to say they'll be here for him, and he's so angry at them for having thoughts that sound like his fears.

“Don’t lie!” Ron hurled at her. “You said it too, you said you were disappointed, you said you’d thought he had a bit more to go on than -”

“I didn’t say it like that - Harry, I didn’t!” she cried.

The rain was pounding the tent, tears were pouring down Hermione’s face, and the excitement of a few minutes before had vanished as if it had never been, a short-lived firework that had flared and died, leaving everything dark, wet, and cold. The sword of Gryffindor was hidden they knew not where, and their were three teenagers in a tent whose only achievement was not, yet, to be dead.

“So why are you still here?” Harry asked Ron.

“Search me,” said Ron.

“Go home then,” said Harry.

Of course, Harry's description of the weather is very important, and here a direct parallel is made between the rain "pounding" the tent, and the tears "pouring down Hermione's face" (the paronomasia with the use of "pounding" and "pouring" in parallel grammatical structure making the comparison even more obvious). You can see that their fight, their pain, their isolation, their fears, all of it is reflected in the rain pounding the tent in a barely veiled metaphor. Harry describes the situation as being "dark, wet and cold", which once again refers to the weather in some way, and makes their hopelessness very clear, but is also reminiscent of the adjectives used to describe the locket - and that just after the moment Harry and Hermione were making a breakthrough to destroy the Horcruxes (if that's not suspect, I swear...) !

Harry asks Ron a second time why he's still there, though in a more direct way this time. But as Ron doesn't answer the way Harry would want him to, Harry taunts and provokes Ron, in the hope that Ron is going to prove him wrong and stay.

“Yeah, maybe I will!” shouted Ron, and he took several steps toward Harry, who did not back away. “Didn’t you hear what they said about my sister? But you don’t give a rat’s fart, do you, it’s only the Forbidden Forest, Harry I’ve-Faced-Worse Potter doesn’t care what happened to her in there - well, I do, all right, giant spiders and mental stuff -”

“I was only saying - she was with the others, they were with Hagrid -”

“Yeah, I get it, you don’t care! And what about the rest of my family, ‘the Weasleys don’t need another kid injured,’ did you hear that?”

“Yeah, I -”

“Not bothered what it meant, though?”

“Ron!” said Hermione, forcing her way between them. “I don’t think it means anything new has happened, anything we don’t know about; think, Ron, Bill’s already scared, plenty of people must have seen that George has lost an ear by now, and you’re supposed to be on your deathbed with spattergroit, I’m sure that’s all he meant -”

As an aside, I still wonder, to this day, what Harry and Hermione thought they were going to achieve knowing that Ron had the locket on him, though Harry didn't really want to deescalate the fight because he was too angry and too hurt thanks in large parts to Voldemort. Remember Harry's first day with the Horcruxe ? Remember I asked you to imagine what would've happened had they let Harry escalate the discussion with the locket on ? Neither Ron or Hermione would've been able to reason with him either.

But let's go back to the analysis.

Here, Ron actually caught Harry off guard, because he was not expecting that part of Ron's rant at all, which is why we're back to denial and bargaining. Harry tries to explain himself and of course denies Ron's claims, though Ron doesn't really let him time to fully voice his statements.

“Oh, you’re sure, are you? Right then, well, I won’t bother myself about them. It’s all right for you, isn’t it, with your parents safely out of the way -”

“My parents are dead!” Harry bellowed.

“And mine could be going the same way!” yelled Ron.

“Then GO!” roared Harry. “Go back to them, pretend you’re got over your spattergroit and Mummy’ll be able to feed you up and -”

So there are two versions of this scene, though I don't actually know which one was there first. In one version, Ron says "it's all right for you", which makes more sense considering he was talking to Hermione, and in another, Ron says "it's all right for you two", which explains Harry's reaction better.

In any case, the result is the same: Harry is positively furious against Ron (so we're back to anger) for implying, in one way or another, that Harry's parents are "safely" out of the way when they're dead, and at this point Harry just wants to lash out at Ron, though again with the hope that Ron's going to deny Harry's claims : it's not a coincidence if Harry evokes food here considering what Ron had said earlier in the evening, and it's not a coincidence if Harry basically asks Ron to choose between being with Harry or going back to his family.

Ron made a sudden movement: Harry reacted, but before either wand was clear of its owner’s pocket, Hermione had raised her own.

“Prestego!” she cried, and an invisible shield expanded between her and Harry on the one side and Ron on the other; all of them were forced backward a few steps by the strength of the spell, and Harry and Ron glared from either side of the transparent barrier as though they were seeing each other clearly for the first time. Harry felt a corrosive hatred toward Ron: Something had broken between them.

“Leave the Horcrux,” Harry said.

At this moment, Harry's too blinded by rage to truly think things through. He thinks Ron doesn't truly care about him and never has, and as a last taunt he tells Ron to leave the Horcruxe, as if Ron was already out of his life.

And then the sun and light won't come back for a while.

Winter has come.

Ron - low self-esteem, fear of oblivion, helplessness, depression, and suicidal ideations

Now let's see the same events through Ron's point of view, and I'm going to ask you something difficult: forget one minute what you know about Harry and the way he experienced things. Now you only have what Ron knows and feels to understand what happened. I know it's hard, because we view things through Harry's eyes, but at least give it a try. Obliviate ! Let's start all over again.

And above all, remember that once you have Voldemort's heart beating against your own, you're not really in control of your own behaviour anymore.

I have already dedicated part of an essay I wrote a few years ago about "mental torture in the wizarding world" to the effects the locket/Voldemort had on Ron, and I think it might be an interesting complement to this post, so I've included links to those parts of my essay below. It's particularly informative if you want to see that some of the techniques used in Guantanamo are eerily similar to what Voldemort did to Ron (part 2.2).

Of bleeding hearts and wildflowers — Mental Torture in the wizarding world (2.1) (tumblr.com)

Of bleeding hearts and wildflowers — Mental Torture in the Wizarding World (2.2.) (tumblr.com)

It'll always be more complicated to understand what exactly Ron was thinking or going through at a particular time, for the simple reason that the story is told through Harry's eyes - we therefore lose crucial information, nuance, accuracy.

Yet there are many elements that can help us see what happened. We need to take a few things into account before we get to the fight itself.

1. A very weakened physical state

The first is that, as I've noted above, the first time Harry wore the locket, Voldemort started manipulating him at the moment he was the most vulnerable, after a day of near fasting - so the weaker you are physically, the more vulnerable you are emotionally. This logic also applies to Ron in the entire period he wore the locket. We already know that Ron's worst times with the locket always coincided with a lack of food: "Whenever lack of food coincided with Ron’s turn to wear the Horcrux, he became downright unpleasant."

Furthermore, Ron had got a splinching injury right before he started wearing the locket, a splinching injury that had his arm "mangled" even months later.

A very good essay has already been written on Ron's weakened physical state in this part of the book, so I'm simply going to link it below (but to sum up: Ron never had time to recover properly after that terrible splinching injury, and his metabolism probably made things worse) :

nerdy stuff hill likes — The physiological effects Ron faced in Deathly... (tumblr.com)

@hillnerd Just to warn you I've used your essay as a reference (and yup, the review for "Waking up", chapter 7 is on its way)

2. The locket affected Ron more than Harry or Hermione

The second thing we have to notice is that the locket or Voldemort's influence on Ron was way worse than it was on Harry. Explaining in details why would be beyond the scope of this essay, but we can definitely see that it was indeed the case.

From the beginning of September to mid-November or end of November, Harry describes Ron as particularly irritable, irascible, moody, and way more so when he was wearing the locket - so Ron was in "a bad mood" practically the entire period. The only time Ron had been as tense and touchy before was in sixth year, when he was struggling with nasty bouts of anxiety and self-loathing (remember the Quidditch practice during which he "bellowed at everybody so much" that Demelza Robbins ended up in tears, and after which he confessed "I resign. I'm pathetic" ?).

Furthermore, Ron was completely helpless and unable to concentrate or contribute much during those months ("He did not seem to have any ideas himself, but expected Harry and Hermione

What is patently clear is that this behaviour is in sharp contrast with the one Ron had before the Trio started wearing the locket, since even after he bled half to death Ron wanted to help Harry and Hermione:

“I think we should take it in turns to keep watch outside the tent,” he added to Hermione, standing up and stretching. “And we’ll need to think about some food as well. You stay there,” he added sharply, as Ron attempted to sit up and turned a nasty shade of green.

Even when Ron was ill-tempered and snappish the next morning due to lack of food (given that he had only swallowed two mouthfuls of wild mushrooms and had been unable to eat more, "looking queasy"), he still wanted to act, and told Harry, after the latter threw at him to "go and fight [his] way through the Dementors" that he would if only his arm wasn't in a sling.

But what's most important here is the way Ron himself talks about his time with the locket and reacts to Voldemort-locket when he comes back (because this is an even more valuable insight into Ron's psyche than Harry's description).

How are you going to open it?” asked Ron. He looked terrified.

“I’m going to ask it to open, using Parseltongue,” said Harry. The answer came so readily to his lips that thought that he had always known it deep down: Perhaps it had taken his recent encounter with Nagini to make him realize it. He looked at the serpentine S, inlaid with glittering green stones: It was easy to visualize it as a miniscule snake, curled upon the cold rock.

“No!” said Ron. “Don’t open it! I’m serious!”

“Why not?” asked Harry. “Let’s get rid of the damn thing, it’s been months -”

“I can’t, Harry, I’m serious - you do it -”

“But why?”

“Because that thing’s bad for me!” said Ron, backing away from the locket on the rock. “I can’t handle it! I’m not making excuses, for what I was like, but it affects me worse than it affects you and Hermione, it made me think stuff - stuff that I was thinking anyway, but it made everything worse. I can’t explain it, and then I’d take it off and I’d get my head straight again, and then I’d have to put the effing thing back on - I can’t do it Harry!”

He had backed away, the sword dragging at his side, shaking his head.

“You can do it,” said Harry, “you can! You’ve just got the sword, I know it’s supposed to be you who uses it. Please just get rid of it Ron.”

The sound of his name seemed to act like a stimulant. Ron swallowed, then still breathing hard through his long nose, moved back toward the rock.

“Tell me when,” he croaked.

[...]

Ron raised the sword in his shaking hands: The point dangled over the frantically swivelling eyes, and Harry gripped the locket tightly, bracing himself, already imagining blood pouring from the empty windows.

What I will say will of course overlap a bit with the analysis I've done about mental torture, but I still need to point out a few things.

Ron's behaviour here is absolutely unprecedented and is a testimony to how terrible the torture he's been through has been. Ron is rarely described as being terrified in the books - he may be terrified for Harry, but he's seldom terrified of something. And this is literally the first time in the books Ron backs away (he does it twice in one paragraph) from something in fear (he didn't even do it when he was facing giant spiders).

He even begs Harry to do it in his place, stating that "this thing" (that is, Voldemort-locket) "is bad for him", and confesses to Harry that he's not even trying to "justify" his behaviour when he was wearing the locket, but that he simply "can't do it" and "can't handle it" (this literally means that the pain and dark thoughts are too much for him to bear). When he finally accepts to confront Voldemort, his hands are "shaking", and his voice is hoarse (the expression "he croaked" shows that his feelings are particularly intense).

What's more, Ron gives a very peculiar picture of the torture he went through: unlike Harry, who talked about "heightened fear and anxiety" to describe what he felt wearing the locket, Ron evokes a complete loss of control over his own thoughts ("I'd take it off and I'd get my head straight again" implies not that his time being tortured had no influence on him when he was not wearing the locket, but that the dark thoughts Voldemort fed him with were so prominent and so persistent he couldn't think at all when he had it on), the locket directly abusing him, and feelings of suffocation.

What I mean by feelings of suffocation is that you can clearly see that he identifies the locket as being an external "thing" or being that forces him to "think stuff", and that he went through cycles of being overwhelmed with painful, dark thoughts - dreading being overwhelmed again (as shows the expression "I'd have to put the effing thing back on", and the way he describes his experience with an accumulation of "then").

3. The nature of Ron's mental torture at the hands of Voldemort

We're not told exactly how Voldemort tortured Ron. We just know that it used his worries and low self-esteem issues, that is the stuff that "he was thinking anyway", and that Voldemort "made everything worse" and "made [Ron] think [about it]" - but we have no idea how Voldemort made Ron think about it, and how Voldemort "made everything worse". Even Ron says he can't explain it.

However, we know the kind of "stuff" that Voldemort used against Ron, though we don't know if the list is exhaustive, and the truth is that it probably isn't.

I don't understand why, but some people tend to reduce "The Silver Doe" to feelings of jealousy toward Harry - but that's not really what was being said.

Then a voice hissed from out the Horcrux.

“I have seen your heart, and it is mine.”

“Don’t listen to it!” Harry said harshly. “Stab it!”

“I have seen your dreams, Ronald Weasley, and I have seen your fears. All you desire is possible, but all that you dread is also possible…”

“Stab!” shouted Harry, his voice echoed off the surrounding trees, the sword point trembled, and Ron gazed down into Riddle’s eyes.

“Least loved, always, by the mother who craved a daughter… Least loved, now, by the girl who prefers your friend… Second best, always, eternally overshadowed…”

“Ron, stab it now!” Harry bellowed: He could feel the locket quivering in the grip and was scared of what was coming. Ron raised the sword still higher, and as he did so, Riddle’s eyes gleamed scarlet.

Out of the locket’s two windows, out of the eyes, there bloomed like two grotesque bubbles, the heads of Harry and Hermione, weirdly distorted. Ron yelled in shock and backed away as the figures blossomed out of the locket, first chests, then waists, then legs, until they stood in the locket, side by side like trees with a common root, swaying over Ron and the real Harry, who had snatched his fingers away from the locket as it burned, suddenly, white-hot.

“Ron!” he shouted, but the Riddle-Harry was now speaking with Voldemort’s voice and Ron was gazing, mesmerized, into its face.

“Why return? We were better without you, happier without you, glad of your absence… We laughed at your stupidity, your cowardice, your presumption -”

“Presumption!” echoed the Riddle-Hermione, who was more beautiful and yet more terrible than the real Hermione: she swayed, cackling, before Ron, who looked horrified, yet transfixed, the sword hanging pointlessly at his side.

“Who could look at you, who would ever look at you, beside Harry Potter? What have you ever done, compared with the Chosen One? What are you, compared with the Boy Who Lived?”

“Ron, stab it, STAB IT!” Harry yelled, but Ron did not move. His eyes were wide, and the Riddle-Harry and the Riddle-Hermione were reflected in them, their hair swirling like flames, their eyes shining red, their voices lifted in an evil duet.

“Your mother confessed,” sneered Riddle-Harry, while Riddle-Hermione jeered, “that she would have preferred me as a son, would be glad to exchange…”

“Who wouldn’t prefer him, what woman would take you, you are nothing, nothing, nothing to him,” crooned Riddle-Hermione, and she stretched like a snake and entwined herself around Riddle-Harry, wrapping him in a close embrace: their lips met.

On the ground in front of them, Ron’s face filled with anguish. he raised the sword high, his arms shaking.

His impression that he's a burden, and suicidal ideations

This feeling is embodied by the lines "Why return ? We were better without you, happier without you, glad of your absence...We laughed at your stupidity, your cowardice, your presumption...". Ron literally thought that he was useless and that Harry and Hermione would be better off without him, and even relieved to see him go away, because they'd be "happier" without him. It's also important to note that Ron has always hated feeling left out during the series, and that's precisely because he's afraid his loved ones might leave him behind (even in the first book, Ron was hurt and angry that Harry had gone on an adventure with the Invisibility Cloak without telling him).

This to me shows Ron was battling suicidal ideations during the Hunt - there is very little that is more representative of suicidal thoughts than the feeling that you are a burden for your loved ones and that everything would be much better for them if you simply disappeared.

"It is a sad fact that a universal feature of suicidal ideation is the belief no one would miss you — that you are a burden on your loved ones, that everyone would be happier without you here." (excerpt from a blog on suicide).

His fear that his loved ones don't really love him/don't care about him and even despise him

This fear is very important to understand what happened in "the Goblin's revenge", I'd say it's even one of the most important elements to understand what Ron was thinking. Ron's mind can't help but imagine that Harry and Hermione never really cared about him, that (again) they'd be "better without" him, and "happier without" him, that he's loved least, if loved at all. Even worse, he thinks his best friends think he's so horrible that they in fact despise him and would spend time together enjoying "laughing at" him and at what he considers to be his worst traits (his so-called "stupidity", "cowardice", "presumption", though there is an ellipsis here that suggests the list is endless).

Ron also thinks deep down that his mother doesn't really love him, and that he's a disappointment to her because for one, he believes she "craved a daughter", and two, he fears he doesn't live up to her expectations, which is why she'd "gladly exchange" him for Harry, who not only has a good and filial relationship with Molly, but also represents everything Ron thinks he isn't and would like to be (it's also interesting to note Neville made a very similar remark to Harry in the sixth book).

His fear that he's not worthy enough to be loved or given attention, his fear of oblivion

In a previous essay of mine, "Why did Ron date Lavender ?", I mentioned that Ron thinks he has to achieve something in order to be noticed. This was present since book 1: one of the reasons Ron wants to stand out from his brothers is that he hopes that way, he'll finally receive attention and love from his family, most particularly his parents, and even more particularly his mother. On the other hand, Ron also thinks that attention is the sign that you are worth something, a belief he has internalized over the years due to many contributing factors, including his family (and unfortunately mother's) tendency to pay attention only to noticeable achievements (and even then, if they've already been done before, they're not really all that noticeable according to Ron's description of his family expectations), his family (especially mother's) tendency to draw comparisons between the Weasley children, his peers' reactions to Harry and Hermione, and teachers' behaviour like Slughorn who couldn't remember his name and acted as if Ron wasn't there (he once looked at Ron as if he was nothing more than "cockroach cluster").

This is perfectly reflected here in the speeches of Riddle-Harry and Riddle-Hermione. They mention the word "presumption" twice, which clearly implies that Ron wants things that are way above his level (remember when Ron apologized to Harry for "thinking he could play Quidditch" ? Yes, this is exactly the kind of thought patterns I'm talking about). The things that are deemed to be "above his level" are attention and love, which simply means Ron deems himself not worthy enough of either of those things, which in turn makes his feelings irrelevant and worthless.

Riddle-Harry and Riddle-Hermione outright tell Ron that he's going to disappear into oblivion, that no one's ever going to look at him, that he's literally "nothing", word that she repeats three times.

His inferiority complex toward Harry

Many of Ron's conclusions about himself were made because of comparisons he drew between himself and his siblings, Krum, Hermione...and most noticeably Harry, who is his best friend, is almost the same age, and with whom he shared many, if not most experiences in his formative teenage years.

The comparison he drew in his hand gave him the impression that Ron is "nothing" compared to Harry, that his accomplishments are worthless (if you're reminded of the prefect scene, congratulations: that's exactly what happened there, though at the time his internal beliefs got confirmed by everybody present...and he didn't complain because he silently agreed with them). It would take way too much time to analyse every moment or every reason why Ron felt that way, but it's clearly because he thinks Harry is a hero and he a peck of dust.

His worry toward his family, and Harry's place in it

Though this is not directly mentioned in "The Silver Doe" (which is why I truly believe even the Silver Doe doesn't tell us everything about what Ron went through at the hands of Voldemort), Ron spent a huge part of the seventh book worrying about his family, and spent a lot of time in the chapter that interests us being very afraid for his family's safety and asking Harry whether he had any kind of news about them. I'd say that Ron's concerns about their lack of progress or Harry's lack of plan also stem from largely from a place of concern for his family: he's afraid they're being useless while his loved ones are dying.

It's also interesting to note that Ron has mixed feelings about Harry being part of his family. On the one hand, he considers Harry a brother and welcomed him with open arms into his family every year, and offered him his family's affection. However, part of Ron also thinks that Harry might replace Ron in the Weasley family, because Ron doesn't think he's good enough to be part of his own family. Part of Ron resents Harry for not completely considering the Weasleys his family, considering the way he reacted in "the Goblin's revenge" - so what ? Is Ron's family not good enough for Harry ? Is Harry going to replace him even though he doesn't seem to care about his family ?

Now that we're clear on the kind of things Ron was being tortured with and was struggling against, let's rewind.

*I press the button, everything's going backwards, and we're back to the first few days Ron started wearing the locket*

Ron's point of view during "The Goblin's revenge" moments described by Harry

First of all, I find it interesting that just a few hours before wearing the locket for the first time, Ron got told by Harry that his injury was more or less nothing and that he was basically using it as an excuse to be useless. I find it even more interesting that Harry doesn't tell us anything about Ron's recovery past the very first day after he got splinched. The only conclusion to that glaring omission is that Harry never enquired whether Ron was restored to health - because otherwise, we'd have been told something, anything about Ron; even Hermione's recovery after "Malfoy Manor" is better described. Yet we know that Ron's arm still hurt him two-and-a-half/three months later, since he says that his arm is "mangled" at the very beginning of the fight.

Then we've got this moment that I already analysed from Harry's point of view, when they talk about the places Horcruxes could be hidden, which, may I remind you, happened just a few days after they started wearing the locket.

“Yeah, let’s go to Albania. Shouldn’t take more than an afternoon to search an entire country,” said Ron sarcastically.

“There can’t be anything there. He’d already made five of his Horcruxes before he went into exile, and Dumbledore was certain the snake is the sixth,” said Hermione. “We know the snake’s not in Albania, it’s usually with Vol-”

“Didn’t I ask you to stop say that?”

So here the way Ron phrases the question is very evocative: he explicitly makes a reference to the fact that he asked Harry to stop saying Voldemort's name (usually Ron rather said something along the lines of "don't say his name"). Ron asked his friends not to say the name anymore after he nearly bled to death, but he had to apologize for it because he knew they found that ridiculous. There is some history behind that, since Harry directly asked Ron in fifth year when he'd start saying Voldemort's name and told him to get a grip the next year; meanwhile, Hermione shamed him for wincing when the name was being said out loud (saying things like "stop whimpering, Ron" for example).

So here you can easily imagine that not only is Ron's dealing with feelings of worthlessness, but is also resentful of Harry and hurt because he has to remind him every few seconds of something that he explicitly asked for as a small request, based on feelings of unease he had. Based on what we know, it's very likely Ron is hurt Harry doesn't seem to care enough to do such a small gesture.

“Fine! The snake is usually with You-Know-Who - happy?”

“Not particularly.”

“I can’t see him hiding anything at Borgin and Burkes.” said Harry, who had made this point many times before, but said it again simply to break the nasty silence.

“Borgin and Burke were experts at Dark objects, they would’ve recognized a Horcrux straightaway.”

Ron yawned pointedly. Repressing a strong urge to throw something at him, Harry plowed on, “I still reckon he might have hidden something at Hogwarts.”

Again, this may seem like a small thing to people who aren't currently being tortured by Voldemort, but Harry completely ignores Ron even though Ron just answered "not particularly" to the word "happy?" - because for Harry, Ron's interruption was a waste of time. Ron, however, definitely saw that as a dismissal on Harry's part, the confirmation that he didn't truly care about Ron's feelings because he deems Ron's feelings ridiculous. Ron just admitted that he wasn't well, in a way, and Harry moves on to something else...and Ron "yawn[s] pointedly" just after, because if Harry doesn't care about him, why should he care about what Harry is saying ?

Hermione sighed. “But Dumbledore would have found it, Harry!” Harry repeated the argument he kept bringing out in favour of this theory.

“Dumbledore said in front of me that he never assumed he knew all of Hogwart’s secrets. I’m telling you, if there was one place Vol-”

“Oi!”

“YOU-KNOW-WHO, then!” Harry shouted, goaded past endurance. “If there was one place that was really important to You-Know-Who, it was Hogwarts!”

“Oh, come on,” scoffed Ron. “His school?”

“Yeah, his school! It was his first real home, the place that meant he was special: it meant everything to him, and even after he left -”

“This is You-Know-Who we’re talking about, right? Not you?” inquired Ron. He was tugging at the chain of the Horcrux around his neck; Harry was visited by a desire to seize it and throttle him.

Here Ron asks Harry again to stop saying the name, and Harry yells at him for it. Ron is unable to hide his pain and his resentment, which is why he has no qualms being disdainful of Harry's suggestions as the locket repeats to him, over and over again, that Harry doesn't care about him. Ron's openly shown to find this moment unbearable, since he "tug[s] at the chain of the Horcrux", trying to get it as far away from his body as possible, as if he couldn't wait to throw it away.

Furthermore, as I've mentioned earlier, this is a period during which Ron is generally unable to concentrate because he's overwhelmed by his dark thoughts as he's being tortured by the locket, and of course can't cope with it. He's also very weak, physically, and is starving, but we know his remarks and complaints about that are met with barely hidden irritation and scorn on Harry's part. Ron in general is in a very bad mood, but what irritates Harry is that Ron can't hide it, which in turn suggests that from Ron's "I'm-having-my-head-toyed-with-by-Voldemort"'s point of view, neither Harry or Hermione care much about what's happening to him, since he's unwell and they don't see it or refuse to help him with it (it's a very common reflex among people who are suffering from deep mental health issues). It's also hard to know if Ron didn't partially thought Harry and Hermione would be better without him because of their reactions to his bad mood.

Harry’s scar kept prickling. It happened most often, he noticed, when he was wearing the Horcrux. Sometimes he could not stop himself reacting to the pain.

“What? What did you see ?” demanded Ron, whenever he noticed Harry wince.

“A face,” muttered Harry, every time. “The same face. The thief who stole from Gregorovitch.”

And Ron would turn away, making no effort to hide his disappointment. Harry knew that Ron was hoping to hear news of his family or the rest of the Order of the Phoenix, but after all, he, Harry, was not a television aerial; he could only see what Voldemort was thinking at the time, not tune in to whatever took his fancy.

We can see Ron being worried sick about his family. But what's interesting here is that, again, Ron makes no effort to hide his disappointment that Harry doesn't have any news: Ron actually wants Harry to notice it. Ron wants to discuss his worries about his family with Harry and Hermione. Ron wants Harry to be worried with him. Ron actively wants to pause the hunt for a few minutes so that what matters most to him is actively debated.

Ron does have a few moments when he can do that, that is during his few discussions with Hermione about the Horcrux hunt itself, his disappointment in their lack of progress, their common disappointment that Harry doesn't have anything more to work with, their fear of doing nothing good.

Then, the fateful day starts again.

Ron's been wearing the Horcrux for months now, and this particular day he's been wearing it all day long.

“My mother,” said Ron one night, as they sat in the tent on a riverbank in Wales, “can make good food appear out of thin air.”

This says more about Ron's worries about his family than it does about his hunger, though of course he's also unhappy about that. But the fact that the expression "my mother" is separated from the rest of the sentence puts the emphasis on the expression itself (in French we call that "emphase par détachement"). What Ron's saying here is that he misses his family terribly and is extremely worried whether he will ever be able to see them again.

I'm going to skip the slight argument between Ron and Hermione after, because I don't think there was anything particular to see behind Ron's words apart from general exhaustion. Instead, I want to make a little remark about what Ron cared about during the discussion he heard between Dean, Ted Tonks, Dirk Cresswell, Griphook and Gornuk. At no point is he shown to share Harry and Hermione's excitement about the sword. In fact, he's not seen reacting at all, yet we know exactly what he remembered from it.

Any discussion about the sword went literally over his head when he heard that part of the conversation:

“What happened to Ginny and all the others? The ones who tried to steal it?”

“Oh, they were punished, and cruelly,” said Griphook indifferently.

“They’re okay, though?” asked Ted quickly, “I mean, the Weasleys don’t need any more of their kids injured, do they?”

“They suffered no serious injury, as far as I am aware,” said Griphook.

“Lucky for them,” said Ted. “With Snape’s track record I suppose we should just be glad they’re still alive.”

So Ron was worried sick about what had happened to Ginny, who was said to have been punished "cruelly". Furthermore, the line that really retained his attention and that he was able to quote word for word to Harry was "The Weasleys don't need any more of their kids injured", which we know he took to mean that one (or more) of his siblings had been injured.

There's also something said by Dirk Cresswell just after that that was interesting and that definitely echoes some of the concerns Ron brought up afterward. Indeed, Dirk literally said that Harry (and by extension the people with Harry) are not really acting against Voldemort, are not doing anything and are hiding instead:

“Yeah, there’s a lot would like to believe he’s that, son,” said Dirk, “me included. But where is he? Run for it, by the looks of things. You’d think if he knew anything we don’t, or had anything special going for him, he’d be out there now fighting, rallying resistance, instead of hiding. And you know, the Prophet made a pretty good case against him -”

Not long after, the trio stops listening to Ted and Dirk talking, Hermione opens her bag and gets Phineas Nigellus' portrait. Ron's subdued and silent, and ruminates what he's just heard (Ron being silent is never a good sign - the only time Ron was mentioned to be very quiet was right after Arthur had been attacked by Nagini):

Harry, Ron, and Hermione reeled in the Extendable Ears. Harry, who had found the need to remain silent increasingly difficult the longer they eavesdropped, now found himself unable to say more then, “Ginny - the sword -”

“I know!” said Hermione.

She lunged for the tiny beaded bag, this time sinking her arm in it right up to the armpit.

“Here… we… are…” she said between gritted teeth, and she pulled at something that was evidently in the depths of the bag. Slowly the edge of an ornate picture frame came into sight. Harry hurried to help her. As they lifted the empty portrait of Phineas Nigellus free of Hermione’s bag, she kept her wand pointing at it, ready to cast a spell at any moment.

“If somebody swapped the real sword for the fake while it was in Dumbledore’s office,” she panted, as they propped the painting against the side of the tent, “Phineas Nigellus would have seen it happen, he hangs right beside the case!”

“Unless he was asleep,” said Harry, but he still held his breath as Hermione knelt down in front of the empty canvas, her wand directed at its center, cleared her throat, then said: “Er - Phineas? Phineas Nigellus?”

Nothing happened.

“Phineas Nigellus?” said Hermione again. “Professor Black? Please could we talk to you? Please?”

“‘Please’ always helps,” said a cold, snide voice, and Phineas Nigellus slid into his portrait. At once, Hermione cried: “Obscura!”

A black blindfold appeared over Phineas Nigellus’s clever, dark eyes, causing him to bump into the frame and shriek with pain.

“What - how dare - what are you -?”

“I’m very sorry, Professor Black,” said Hermione, “but it’s a necessary precaution!”

“Remove this foul addition at once! Remove it, I say! You are ruining a great work of art! Where am I? What is going on?”

“Never mind where we are,” said Harry, and Phineas Nigellus froze, abandoning his attempts to peel off the painted blindfold.

“Can that possibly be the voice of the elusive Mr. Potter?”

“Maybe,” said Harry, knowing that this would keep Phineas Nigellus’s interest. “We’ve got a couple of questions to ask you about the sword of Gryffindor.”

“Ah,” said Phineas Nigellus, now turning his head this way and that in an effort to catch sight of Harry, “yes. That silly girl acted most unwisely there -”

Then Ron says the only thing he'll ever say during that entire conversation, and the last thing he'll ever say before the argument breaks out:

"Shut up about my sister,” said Ron roughly.

Right (so those of you who said he only wanted an excuse to lash out at Harry can pack up and go). Ron didn't say anything at all, but he was unable to let Phineas Nigellus speak ill of his sister, and he told him "roughly" to shut up.

And then the rout begins.

You know this fight quite well by now, don't you ? So you don't need me to quote it again just so I can tell you what was going on inside Ron's head just before the argument started, though I want to remind you again that all of this is influenced by Voldemort torturing Ron. I'm going to make a list instead:

His fear of oblivion and his worry that he's a burden

Ron's first lines during the argument, lines that neither Harry or Hermione were able to understand are "Oh, remembered me, have you?" and "You two carry on. Don't let me spoil your fun". They mirror exactly what Voldemort told Ron during "The Silver Doe", that is that Harry and Hermione are better without him, happier without him and glad of his absence.

What appears is that Ron was really unwell and suffering because of the many hours spent wearing the locket that day, was also definitely worried about his family, but neither Harry or Hermione paid any attention to it. No, they were outright cheerful, Harry punching the air and Hermione beaming. And so Ron disappeared and went lying down on his bunk, though the reader doesn't know when because Harry didn't notice it. Ron became invisible to Harry's mind for 38 lines, busy as he was being overjoyed about the sword. Ron saw that he could leave and make himself invisible, and that the other two wouldn't notice - the only thing that he saw was that him being there or not made little to no difference, and that they seemed even better off and happier without him.

In other circumstances, this could have turned really, really badly. Ron deliberately making himself disappear like that just to observe Harry and Hermione's reactions and see whether they'd care/whether they'd see if he's there or not is a huge red flag for the psychology student that I am - the highway to suicidal behaviour/self-harming, if the process was not engaged then. This is another difference with the movies: in the movies, Ron isn't there for the beginning of the conversation and forces the other two to notice him; in the books, Ron leaves the conversation/goes away without Harry and Hermione noticing and he waits to see if Harry and Hermione are going to see that he's not there anymore (don't be mistaken: in an alternate universe, this would have ended up with Ron quietly leaving and hanging himself up).

2. Worry about his family, and fears that the trio is being useless

As I said above, Ron quoted Ted Tonks word for word when he asked Harry whether he had heard what had been said, and told Harry "Not bothered what it meant, though?". On top of his obvious worry for Ginny's fate in the Forbidden Forrest (he was clearly reminded of the the Acromentulas, since he explicitly brought them up during the fight, and may have remembered that Hagrid couldn't lay foot in certain areas of the Forrest because of them), all of this clearly implies he also spent part of this time when Hermione and Harry were talking to Phineas Nigellus pondering on which one of his siblings had been hurt.

More than that, Ron's worries about his families were directly linked with his fear that they (Harry, Hermione and he) weren't doing anything worthwhile, that they weren't making any real progress and were not "acting", "fighting"...while his loved ones kept getting hurt.

3. Anger and resentment toward Harry, who doesn't seem to care about the Weasleys/thinks certain types of sufferings are irrelevant

So, unfortunately for him, Harry said that right after being told that Ginny had been sent in the Forbidden Forrest, and after that completely moved on to another topic without (seemingly of course) a care in the world.

“And Snape might’ve thought that was a punishment,” said Harry, “but Ginny, Neville, and Luna probably had a good laugh with Hagrid. The Forbidden Forest… they’ve faced plenty worse than the Forbidden Forest, big deal!”

On top of worrying about his family and their lack of progress, on top of self-loathing thoughts, Ron was also listening to what was being said between Harry and Hermione...which is why he later uses Harry's statement against him and calls him "Harry 'I've-faced-worse' Potter", simply because Harry dismissed going into the Forbidden Forrest as "no big deal", something that is rather low on Harry's scale of really bad things.

And as I already mentioned in this post (https://austenpoppy.tumblr.com/post/679911050356899840/ron-was-not-really-worried-for-his-family-in-the), in light of what we know thanks to "The Silver Doe", part of what angered Ron here is that Harry seemed to think, if we were to follow his logic, that what Ron went through when he faced the giant spiders was "no big deal" - so Ron's suffering is also something that can be tossed aside and forgotten because Harry's faced worse.

Ron was hurt that Harry didn't seem to care enough about the things that mattered to him. Ron was hurt that Harry didn't seem to care enough about the Weasleys - but Ron is a Weasley too. Ron was hurt that Harry didn't seem to care about things that were beneath him.

All of this was in Ron's mind before Harry noticed that there was something amiss.

Harry looked around. For one bewildered moment he thought that Ron had left the tent, then realized that Ron was lying in the shadow of a bunk, looking stony.

“Oh, remembered me, have you?” he said.

“What?”

Ron snorted as he stared up at the underside of the upper bunk.

“You two carry on. Don’t let me spoil your fun.”

I've already mentioned what those lines mean, but let me remind you: Ron is already extremely hurt and is bitterly stating that he's invisible and that Harry and Hermione don't care about him and would barely realize whether he was there or not. Harry is surprised, and Ron snorts, bitter and pained that Harry doesn't even know what he's talking about, before being even more explicit and telling the other two that they seem better and happier without him and that he seems to be a burden.

”What’s the problem?” asked Harry.

"Problem? There’s no problem,” said Ron, still refusing to look at Harry. “Not according to you, anyways.”

There. Just like Harry, Ron's comments don't come out of nowhere. It's a result of Ron's frustration and resentment that Harry never seems to care about Ron's problems (especially during that period), as if there was no problem - because Ron's problems are insignificant.

There were several plunks on the canvas over their heads. It had started to rain.

“Well, you’ve obviously got a problem,” said Harry. “Spit it out, will you?”

Ron swung his long legs off the bed and sat up. He looked mean, unlike himself. “

“All right, I’ll spit it out. Don’t expect me to skip up and down the tent because there’s some other damn thing we’ve got to find. Just add it to the list of stuff you don’t know.”

You see me obliged to notice that Ron literally isn't himself: Harry describes him as looking "mean, unlike himself" - or, in other words, Voldemort has taken over Ron's behaviour as Ron's been wearing the locket all day and is probably feeling as terrible as one possibly can.

Of course, Ron is here voicing his worries about the mission, and the fact that they're following Harry into the dark instead of "rallying resistance" or fighting, while many people, including his own family, is getting injured and possibly killed - Ron feels useless, and he resents the fact that Harry is so focused on the mission without seeing the rest of the world around him.

But Ron is also resentful and hurt by the fact that he's expected to let his worries and his concerns aside for the mission, that he has to pretend he's perfectly fine for Harry's sake even though he really isn't - the expression "don't expect me to skip up and down the tent" speaks about the way he's supposed to act in Harry's eyes.

“I don’t know?” repeated Harry. “I don’t know?”

[…]

“It’s not like I’m not having the time of my life here,” said Ron, “you know, with my arm mangled and nothing to eat and freezing my backside off every night. I just hoped, you know, after we’d been running round a few weeks, we’d have achieved something.

In Ron's mind, here, the only thing that has retained Harry's attention isn't how Ron feels, but Ron's accusation - basically, there's no acknowledgement on Harry's part that the situation is dreadful and therefore that Ron's worries are justified.

Ron therefore gets more explicit, and talks about himself, the way he feels - hopeless and useless. So much is said in a few sentences. Ron talks about their lack of progress, and therefore his fear that they (and Ron in particular) are not really doing anything while his family is in danger. He also reminds Harry that his arm is "mangled", something that Harry hasn't been shown to display much concern for after the first few hours, and that he's starving, in the hope that this time Harry is going to understand him and sympathize with him.

Ron just wants Harry to validate his feelings and tell him that his concerns are not insignificant.

"Ron,” Hermione said, but in such a quiet voice that Ron could pretend not to have heard it over the loud tattoo the rain was beating on the tent.

“I thought you knew what you’d signed up for,” said Harry.

“Yeah, I thought I did too.”

We readers can't actually know whether Ron heard Hermione. If he did, then one can imagine that he's actually focusing on Harry because of the imbalance he resents in their relationship, with Ron having to give his everything all the time because he's not as important, and Harry taking his support without really ever acknowledging that he matters or that what he does is significant.

Ron, wearing the locket, mostly hears Harry saying that Ron should have expected to feel this way - to be starving, to be in pain, to feel hopeless and useless, and therefore that he should just accept it as being normal.

Ron's "Yeah, I thought I did too" means a lot in light of what we know. Ron is, in a way, telling Harry that he actually expected to face horrors, pain, and other terrible things; the only thing that Ron couldn't have foreseen are those feelings of uselessness and hopelessness and self-loathing plaguing his mind every single day.

He's still waiting for Harry to acknowledge that what he feels isn't insignificant.

So what part of it isn’t living up to your expectations?” asked Harry. Anger was coming to his defence now. “Did you think we’d be staying in five-star hotels? Finding a Horcrux every other day? Did you think you’d be back to Mummy by Christmas?”

“We thought you knew what you were doing!” shouted Ron, standing up, […]. “We thought Dumbledore had told you what to do, we thought you had a real plan!”

...and Harry does the exact contrary by invalidating Ron's concerns and by dismissing his feelings as ridiculous and almost slightly despicable (and so that Ron is nothing and should just shut his mouth). The use of the word "Mummy" here is particularly painful considering Ron was missing his mother right before the fight and is worried about his family as he's fighting with Harry. Harry therefore comes across as disdainful of the Weasleys in general, confirming Ron's impression that Harry doesn't care about them (though of course that's not the case, but Ron doesn't remember it at this point).

It hurts Ron so much that he "stands up" and begins shouting, voicing worries that he does have (still hoping Harry is going to prove him wrong and acknowledge he's not insignificant, that how he feels isn't insignificant), but that also allow him to lash out at Harry. Remember that in the beginning of the fight, Ron wasn't looking at Harry, refusing to tell him what was bothering him. Now that Harry doesn't seem to care and dismisses everything Ron is saying, Ron feels more justified in voicing many of his concerns, trying to get through Harry.

“Ron!” said Hermione, this time clearly audible over the rain thundering on the tent roof, but again, he ignored her.

“Well, sorry to let you down,” said Harry, his voice quite calm even though he felt hollow, inadequate. “I’ve been straight with you from the start. I told you everything Dumbledore told me. And in the case you haven’t noticed, we’ve found one Horcrux -”

“Yeah, and we’re about as near getting rid of it as we are to finding the rest of them - nowhere effing near in other words.”

"Take off the locket, Ron,” Hermione said, her voice unusually high. “Please take it off. You wouldn’t be talking like this if you hadn’t been wearing it all day.”

This time Ron is purposely ignoring Hermione, feeling hurt and resentful toward Harry.

And there's something you need to understand: the reader knows that Harry feels "hollow" and "inadequate", but Ron, wearing Voldemort-locket, doesn't. All he hears is Harry's "calm" voice, which would come across to him as uncaring and cold as Harry dismisses Ron's concerns again. For example, the "sorry to let you down" said in a calm voice can definitely be interpreted as disdainful, especially if you have Voldemort repeating over and over "You don't matter. He doesn't care. You are nothing to him."

Remember: at this point all Ron wants is acknowledgement that his concerns are not insignificant, and Harry, caught up in his own side of the argument, will never give it to him.

I also want to point out that I think Ron's so hurt and so angry, at that point, that he doesn't realize how Voldemort is abusing him anymore, which is why he doesn't remove the locket himself.

“Yeah, he would,” said Harry, who did not want excuses made for Ron. “D’you think I haven’t noticed the two of you whispering behind my back? D’you think I didn’t guess you were thinking this stuff?

“Harry, we weren’t -”

“Don’t lie!” Ron hurled at her. “You said it too, you said you were disappointed, you said you’d thought he had a bit more to go on than -”

Ron "hurl[ing] at" Hermione is more meaningful than people realize, especially in regard to the fact that he's been nothing but protective of her in the vast majority of the book. Ron "hurl[s] at her" because he's incredibly hurt that she, too, would completely invalidate his worries and deny conversations they've had together for Harry's sake, indicating that she, too, thinks Ron's nothing compared to Harry, thinks that he's nothing at all (since his concerns and feelings don't matter at all).

“So why are you still here?” Harry asked Ron.

In the same vein, Harry asking Ron why he's still here is an indication, to Ron's tortured mind, that Harry simply...doesn't need him, and that he's just a burden raining on Harry's parade. His answer is a provocation; it's a way for him to convey the question "Why am I still here if you don't care about me and if I'm useless ?", while also inviting Harry to contradict him - he's basically hoping that Harry is going to provide him with a reason to stay, that Harry is going to prove that he cares.

“Go home then,” said Harry.

“Search me,” said Ron.

See. Ron is not taking Harry's bait right away, even though Harry just dismissed Ron's entire person as if Ron being there or not made no difference to him. But Ron wants to get to Harry's heart so hard, which is why he takes "several steps toward Harry" (though it doesn't seem to affect Harry one bit, since Harry doesn't "back away"). This is also why he actually opens up a bit more about some of his deepest concerns - that Harry doesn't care about the Weasleys since he dismissed Ginny's punishment as being "no big deal" because he's faced worse, that Harry therefore doesn't care about him, that Harry thinks whatever Ron went through (namely meeting the "giant spiders") is "no big deal" either, because everything Ron does is beneath Harry.

“I was only saying - she was with the others, they were with Hagrid -”

“Yeah, I get it, you don’t care! And what about the rest of my family, ‘the Weasleys don’t need another kid injured,’ did you hear that?”

“Yeah, I -”

“Not bothered what it meant, though?”

Ron doesn't listen to Harry here because Harry doesn't acknowledge that the situation was dangerous, and blurts out what he's been really thinking and fearing for several months - that Harry "do[esn]'t care", as if it was a fact. He further confronts Harry, revealing another piece of information that's been plaguing him since the end of the discussion between Ted, Dirk, Dean, Griphook, and Gornuk, hurt that Harry hasn't seemed to notice the fact at all, or that Harry hasn't given it any thought.

Ron!” said Hermione, forcing her way between them. “I don’t think it means anything new has happened, anything we don’t know about; think, Ron, Bill’s already scared, plenty of people must have seen that George has lost an ear by now, and you’re supposed to be on your deathbed with spattergroit, I’m sure that’s all he meant -”

“Oh, you’re sure, are you? Right then, well, I won’t bother myself about them. It’s all right for you, isn’t it, with your parents safely out of the way -”

Again, what bothers Ron here is that no one acknowledges that his concerns and fears are valid, and that he is somehow supposed to swallow everything, any fear, any concern, any worry, as if he was nothing more than a robot here to serve Harry's mission because he doesn't matter.

Ron's not thinking straight at all (well he wasn't before, but at this point there's nothing but pain left). He's only a bundle of hurt feelings and resentment that he apparently doesn't matter much/that his worries don't matter.

“My parents are dead!” Harry bellowed.

“And mine could be going the same way!” yelled Ron.

“Then GO!” roared Harry. “Go back to them, pretend you’re got over your spattergroit and Mummy’ll be able to feed you up and -”

Ron made a sudden movement: Harry reacted, but before either wand was clear of its owner’s pocket, Hermione had raised her own.

That's it. Now it's too late. Ron yells at Harry that he's worried that his parents (and family) might die, and Harry (again I'm exploring Ron's point of view here) simply tells Ron to leave again, dismisses the Weasleys as "them", is disdainful of Ron's hunger, mocks him and disrespects Molly with the use of the word "Mummy", and manages to dismiss everything Ron's done so far as if it was nothing much.

“Prestego!” she cried, and an invisible shield expanded between her and Harry on the one side and Ron on the other; all of them were forced backward a few steps by the strength of the spell, and Harry and Ron glared from either side of the transparent barrier as though they were seeing each other clearly for the first time. Harry felt a corrosive hatred toward Ron: Something had broken between them.

“Leave the Horcrux,” Harry said.

I'm always befuddled whenever people say that Ron was supposed to calm down right after removing the locket. In normal circumstances people don't cool down right away, and you expect someone who's being tortured and manipulated by Voldemort right at the moment their best friend tells them to go away for the third time as if them being there made no difference (or as if they'd be happy to see them leave) to just...forget ? Ron has the locket on right at the moment he's on the other side of the barrier created by Hermione, glaring at Harry who tells us he feels "a corrosive hatred" toward Ron, and you think Ron would be fine right after removing the Horcrux (honestly I'm amazed he ever recovered that quickly) ?

Ron wrenched the chain from over his head and cast the locket into a nearby chair. He turned to Hermione.

“What are you doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you staying, or what?”

“I…” She looked anguished. “Yes - yes, I’m staying. Ron, we said we’d go with Harry, we said we’d help -”

“I get it. You choose him.”

So in Ron's mind at this moment, Harry thinks he's a burden that he doesn't care about and would be better without. Yet part of him still hopes Hermione doesn't see him that way, which is why he asks her the question as to whether she's staying with Harry or not. Frankly the way he comments her choice shows he was not expecting any other answer, though.

So Ron thinks his friends don't care about a nobody like him, and that he's nothing. And leaves, still under Voldemort's influence.

Winter has come again.

Hermione - fear of rejection

Surprisingly, or perhaps unsurprisingly, we're not really given any description of the influence of the locket on Hermione. However, based on what we know of Hermione and one small element, I think we can deduce the way Voldemort also manipulated Hermione.

We know that Hermione's biggest fear is failure, which in terms of relationships with others translates as rejection. We also know that Hermione is often worried about doing the right thing - it'd make sense that having the locket on would make her not only more anxious, but also less sure of herself.

And case in point, this is how Hermione reacted the moment Harry started saying weird things as he was wearing the locket:

“Of course!” cried Hermione, clapping a hand to her forehead and startling both of them into silence. “Harry, give me the locket! Come on,” she said impatiently, clicking her fingers at him when he did not react, “the Horcrux, Harry, you’re still wearing it."

And this is how she reacted when Ron started being cryptic:

“Oh, remembered me, have you?” he said.

“What?”

Ron snorted as he stared up at the underside of the upper bunk.

“You two carry on. Don’t let me spoil your fun.”

Perplexed, Harry looked to Hermione for help, but she shook her head, apparently as nonplussed as he was.

That's right. Almost no reaction. She doesn't say anything until several moments later, and when she does, she only says Ron's name very quietly.

Ron,” Hermione said, but in such a quiet voice that Ron could pretend not to have heard it over the loud tattoo the rain was beating on the tent.

Then, four lines later, she repeats Ron's name a little louder, though we're still very far from Hermione's behaviour in the first excerpt:

Ron!” said Hermione, this time clearly audible over the rain thundering on the tent roof, but again, he ignored her.

And then she acts in a very anxious way, very afraid of doing anything that might get Ron or Harry to rejects her:

“Take off the locket, Ron,” Hermione said, her voice unusually high. “Please take it off. You wouldn’t be talking like this if you hadn’t been wearing it all day.”

“Yeah, he would,” said Harry, who did not want excuses ma-de for Ron.

“D’you think I haven’t noticed the two of you whispering behind my back? D’you think I didn’t guess you were thinking this stuff?

“Harry, we weren’t -” “Don’t lie!” Ron hurled at her. “You said it too, you said you were disappointed, you said you’d thought he had a bit more to go on than -”

“I didn’t say it like that - Harry, I didn’t!” she cried.

Don't you feel like the Hermione in the first excerpt is a very different Hermione from the one who seemed so anxious during the fight in "The Goblin's Revenge" ?

Summary: what did Voldemort do ?

It's time to sum up why this entire fight is Voldemort's fault.

The very first day Harry began wearing the locket, he started thinking, due to his fear of abandonment, that his friends might walk away. Later on, undoubtedly still wearing the locket, Harry catches his friends talking without him and deduces because of Voldemort that they never really wanted to be with him and that they might leave him at any moment because of his own lack of knowledge about the Horcruxes and his own so-called poor leadership skills. Voldemort also makes sure to get Harry to resent his friends, most noticeably Ron, and brings up Harry's anger issues to the surface.

As a result, when the fight begins, Harry doesn't see his best friend anymore, but the embodiment of his insecurities that he just wants to lash out at, which is one of the reasons he refuses to let Ron remove the locket. What's more, the moment Ron starts saying that somehow the new piece of information they got isn't good enough, Harry feels as if his efforts mean nothing and just goads Ron to see if he cares enough about him to stay despite the situation.

On Ron's side, Voldemort tortures him with his low self-esteem, his obvious worries about his family's safety, his worries about the trio's lack of progress in regard to his worries about his family, his most self-loathing thoughts, his pain and resentment about his impression that his feelings don't matter and that Harry doesn't care about them and expects him to swallow everything for his sake. On top of it, Voldemort abuses Ron's already very weakened physical state to get to him more easily.

Before the fight, Voldemort pushes Ron to silently disappear to see if Harry and Hermione are going to notice and care about it (which, I repeat, is typical of people with suicidal ideations, especially people with active suicidal ideations). He forces Ron to see a credible but twisted version of reality in which Harry thinks the Weasleys don't matter, that whatever Ron and his family went through is "no big deal" because their suffering is beneath Harry's, a reality in which Harry doesn't care much about Ron and the way Ron feels.

Then Voldemort tortures Ron and manipulates him so that Ron interprets everything Harry says in that lens, without letting Harry acknowledge any of Ron's feelings because Harry, himself abused by Voldemort, is too busy interpreting Ron's words as evidence that Ron doesn't care about him. Voldemort also gets Hermione to be more subdued, so that she's too afraid to fail or say the bad thing to take charge.

Neither Harry or Ron ever really felt hatred toward one another. They were just too hurt, thinking their best friend didn't care about them, and this is all Voldemort's fault.

And think about it: isn't it strange that the fight happened precisely the moment the trio was making progress about the way they could destroy the Horcrux, right at the moment Harry and Hermione could have understand where the sword was ? Isn't it strange that Voldemort targeted the trio's friendship, that is the very element that made them strong, and targeted the one member of the group who represented friendship in particular ?

Don't you see that Voldemort either wanted to make Ron resent Harry so much that he'd kill him (which he tried to do in "The Silver Doe"), either wanted to get Ron to kill himself (repeating him over and over again that he's a burden people laugh at, that he's nothing, that his loved ones are better without him and pushing him to disappear out of their sight), either wanted to get Harry to push people away ?

As an aside, if Ron could control himself during this argument approximatively three months after being tortured by the locket for the first time, then Harry definitely never tried to cause a full-blown argument the very first day he wore the locket, right ? If Ron could control his behaviour three months after starting to wear the locket, then Harry definitely could after only one day, right ? Conclusion: if Ron was in control of himself during that fight, so could Harry this morning he couldn't fight off Dementors, and therefore Harry said a very vile thing.

Blame Voldemort for all of this. Voldemort is a master manipulator, way more evil than people give him credit for.

[mysteryshoptls]

SSR Jack Howl Dorm Uniform Personal Story: Part 1

"I want to be useful to you."

Part 1 (Part 2) (Part 3)

[Main Street]

Jack: Twenty more minutes 'til homeroom. He should be coming 'round now.

Epel: Hey, Jack-kun. What are you doing standing like that outside the school…? You'll be late if you don't get to class soon.

Jack: Oh, Epel. I've got somethin' important to do. Go on ahead.

Epel: You look so intense… Uh, I don't really get it but, I'ma... go on without you.

Jack: No lint on my uniform, no wrinkles in my shirt, and no dirt on my shoes. My ears and tail are both brushed neatly.

Jack: I should be perfectly presentable. 'Kay! I'm ready to go. Come at me!

???: Leona-san, please wake up and move already～! If you skip first period again, Vargas-sensei will…

???: Grr… Shut'p… Five more minutes…

Jack: Here he comes!

Jack: GOOD MORNING, RUGGIE-SENPAI. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HARD WORK SO EARLY IN THE MORNING!!!

Ruggie: Ack, he's here today, too… Don't raise your voice so much in the morning, Jack-kun.

Jack: YESSIR!!!!

Ruggie: Don't "yessir!!!!" me.

Ruggie: Can’t you stop waiting for me outside the school like this every morning already?

Jack: I can't be rude and go in the school building without greeting my upperclassmen.

Ruggie: 'S not rude at all. It's annoying, more'n anything, so just head on to class withou…

[bell chimes]

Ruggie: That's the ten-minute warning bell. Jack-kun, hurry and head to class.

Jack: But, you're still standin' outside, Ruggie-senpai…

Ruggie: Augh, fine. Look, I crossed the threshold. I'm on school grounds! That's what you want, right!?

Jack: Yessir. I hope you have a good day.

Ruggie: Haaah, he's already so exhaustin' so early in the mornin'…

Leona: Yaaawn… How nice, you got yourself a cute little freshman following you.

Ruggie: Oh, did you finally wake up?

Ruggie: Anyway, no, it's not nice at all. He's so stiff and annoying…

Ruggie: The way he suddenly started to follow me like that makes me feel like he's got some kind of ulterior motive. It's weird, man.

Leona: Eh, if you can tame him, I'm sure he'd be useful as some kind of guard dog, at least. Discipline him good.

[Exterior Hallway]

Jack: Ruggie-senpai.

Jack: You have flight class next, right? I'll carry your broom and towel to the sports field!

Ruggie: I'm fine, just get to your own class.

[Cafeteria]

Jack: Ruggie-senpai, what would you like for lunch? I'll go grab it for you, so you can go and sit.

Ruggie: I'm not Leona or anything, I can grab stuff from a buffet for myself.

Ruggie: Why can't he just leave me alone～

[Main Street]

Jack: Ruggie-senpai. That's another day's hard work done!

Ruggie: Urgh, he's here again…

Jack: It seems like it may rain. I'll hold your umbrella for you, so please don't hesitate to use it.

Ruggie: I can hold my own umbrella. You're really a pain to deal with…

Ruggie: I don't know what you want, but you ain't gonna get nothin' out of me just 'cause you're trippin' over yourself like that.

Jack: I'm not interested in gettin' anything, I want to be useful to you, is all.

Ruggie: Wh-Why meee～ …Ah, wait!

Ruggie: If you wanna be useful, you should do stuff for Leona-san instead!

Ruggie: I'm sure he'd be delighted to have someone take care of him…

Ruggie: Isn't Leona-san someone that you look up to, anyway?

Ruggie: You'd get waaay more out of followin' him around than me!

Jack: Instead of lookin' up to, it's more like… Yeah, I guess I'd like to surpass Leona-senpai someday, but…

Jack: I have no intention of messin' with the heirarchy of our pack.

Ruggie: Y'know that Savanaclaw's the dorm that raises up those that can prove themselves, right? It's just "the boss" and "the rest of us." There's no hierarchy.

Jack: True, we only have a Dorm Leader. Unlike the other dorms, we don't even have a Vice Dorm Leader…

Jack: But since you're the guy who helps the Dorm Leader in and out from behind the scenes, you'd be our number two guy.

Jack: At least, I'm pretty sure of that.

Ruggie: I mean, maybe some stuff behind the scenes, but I don't remember any other stuff.

Jack: I'm nowhere near your level yet.

Jack: I'd never do something as rude as ignore the pecking order and go over your head.

Jack: Just like you serve the Dorm leader, I'll serve the second-in-command!

Ruggie: So what, a prideful wolf's gonna be a subordinate to someone as lowly as a hyena?

Ruggie: …There's no way, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Jack: I must not be working hard enough, if you still don't believe me.

Jack: I'll do even more tomorrow, so that you'll see I'm serious! Farewell, sir!!!

Ruggie: Ugh, it's no good… Can't get through to him at all.

Ruggie: That's why these kinda serious and strait-laced guys are such a pain…

Part 1 (Part 2) (Part 3)

Requested by @tri3tri.

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

--

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

[seizethesam]

Ode to an Angel-Chapter 1

Summary: You had been alone in this apocalyptic world since you got seperated from your old group and lost your brother. You were on your way to an old metal factory in the hopes of finding your former group when a herd of walkers dragged you in to the woods. You took refuge in a hut, where you met him. You have got a long road ahead and some reckoning to do.

A/N: Hey guys! the first chapter of my brand new Daryl series is finally here. I wrote for Sam Drake for a short period of time and took a looong hiatus. But it is finally time for reunion. I hope you will all enjoy it. Happy reading!!! xx seizethesam

Pearing: Daryl Dixon x Female Reader

This chapter’s recommended song is “My Least Favorite Life from “True Detective” by Lera Lynn. 

Youtube   Spotify

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"So he took his wings, and fled;

Then the morn blushed rosy red.

I dried my tears, and armed my fears

With ten thousand shields and spears. "

-William Blake

The forest was not acting on your behalf. Every tree you dodged was slowing you down, which was the last thing you wanted. The herd of dead was gaining on you, limping their ways towards your direction. You assumed that there were at least thirty of them —and let's be honest, you could not take all of them.

You were exhausted, the only thing you wanted the most right now was laying on a comfortable bed, eating whatever snack you would wish to have. But no... Those days were over a long time ago. Now the only things you had were starvation, exhaustion, loneliness, and a bunch of walking dead that were hungry for your soft flesh.

You had been trying to push your happy remembrances to the back of your memory for a long time now that you started to fear if you had forgotten them. Your mom, dad, brother—No, you would never- could never forget him. He had been your rock since the world went to shit, he had been doing everything in his power to keep you safe.

Now you were alone in god knows where. You were making your way towards the old metal factory outside the city where your former group could’ve settled when the herd came out of nowhere and led you into the woods.

You glanced back at the herd and saw that you have outrun them enough to catch your breath for a second. You stopped and leaned your back against a tree, trying to stabilize your fast-paced breathing. The loud growling of the herd was filling your ears and the smell of the rotten flesh was starting to water your eyes, making your vision blurry. For split second you close your eyes, take a deep breath to motivate yourself to continue running.

Growling sounds of the herd were exploding among the trees and meeting with your ears in a raucous matter. I need to move, now... The earth was rough under your feet despite your shoes. You could not remember how long you had been on the road like this; an excruciatingly uncomfortable backpack on your back, a gun around your thigh, and a knife attached to your belt… The blisters forming on the soles of your feet told you that it had been a long time, real long time. 

You began walking through the dark green trees. The Georgian sun was shining through the tree branches, falling on your skin to warm your flesh. Your legs were failing to carry the weight, and eyes were struggling to stay open due to the lack of energy. You didn’t even remember the last time your belly was full let alone remembering eating something decent. For the past few weeks, your menu consisted of energy bars and crappy canned food.

Today on your lunch was half a can of beans and two sips of water. The sun was getting closer to its horizon as reddish sun rays reflected upon the shiny green tree leaves, the scenery imitated a thousand sunsets all at once. Your heart leaps up at the beauty of the moment. There still are good things. That was what you wanted to believe. 

“There still are good things” you whispered to yourself, a faint smile appeared on your lips as you admired the view. 

While drinking the beauty of the wild, reckless nature, you spotted a brownish-black silhouette from the corner of your eye. When you turned your head towards the figure, you could not help the soft chuckle. It was a cottage. Without thinking twice, you made your way towards the small wooden building which looked like a single room shelter built for hunting trips. You stopped your tracks at the front of the tiny porch. There could be walkers inside, or maybe people.

You needed to be smart, careful, and needed to make most of your weapons; A 9mm with two bullets in its clip, and a hunting knife. You still did not trust yourself with the gun, but you could handle your knife just enough, enough to keep you alive this far. 

Slowly you approached to dusty stairs of the porch, carefully you stepped on the first stair. It did not squeak. You take two more steps for the other two stairs. When the last wooden step raised a surprisingly loud squeal, you heard a familiar snarl inside the old shed. 

Automatically your hand reached for the handle of your knife, taking it out of its holster. You raised the knife in front of you with a defensive pose and slowly made your way towards the tiny window near the door. The window was failing to serve its purpose as it was covered with dust and dirt, you could not see through it. If there was an unfriendly person inside, he could see you wiping the window. You crossed looking through the window off the list.

You leaned your back against the wooden wall, held your breath, and just listened to what was inside, but you didn’t hear anything other than the dead’s annoying snarl. After a few moments, deciding that there is only one biter inside, you reached for the doorknob. 

To your surprise the door was not locked, so you gladly stepped inside. Across the door was a sofa slightly covered with dust, and to your left was a small counter with two small cabinets behind it. The tiny area on the left resembled an unfunctional kitchen, but still, it was something. There behind the counter, a walker was standing, mindlessly trying to move but hitting against the wall.

When you entered the cabin, it turned its attention to your direction and took a few shambling steps towards you. Your knees were shaking, heart pounding against your ribcage. Being face to face with a walker in a tiny space as this cabin sent shivers down your spine. Just like he had taught me, no time to be scared. With that thought, you wrapped your hand around the biter's neck and pushed it against the wall as a contained gruff escaped your mouth, carefully maintaining it at arm's length. You forced the knife with your other hand to its dirty, glassy grey eye, and towards its brain. The moment that its brain had greeted your knife, the body fell on the ground with a thud, allowing you to let out a comforting sigh. 

Without wasting any time, you moved to the kitchenette hoping to find something to eat, but more importantly, water. Your half bottle water was not going to last any longer than a day, even though you were drinking no more than needed. 

You started with the drawers beneath the counter. In the first drawer were rusty scissors and four pieces of nail. The second drawer- empty. The third times the charm- empty. The fourth drawer, well the fourth drawer was bliss. There were two cans of mushroom soup, a can of cooked rice, and a whole bottle of water that will help you another two days. You persisted with the cabinets, but your luck did not. You only found a short black worn-out rope, you did not know how to use it, yet you took it anyway. 

You laid all your belongings on the counter deciding on an inventory check. All you had were five canned food including the new ones, two energy bars, a full bottle of water and your half-full bottle, a pack of tampons, rope, a flashlight, half a box of painkillers, one roll toilet paper, toothpaste and toothbrush, a detailed map of Georgia, a box of matches, a swiss knife, sterile compress, a hunting knife, a gun, and two bullets. If you did not return to the highway of anywhere near the city, you would not make it any more than three days in the woods. The city was dangerous but there was more chance of finding food and water. 

You put your stuff back to your backpack without wasting any more time. You locked the door of the cabin and dragged the body of the walker to another corner. The stench was not unbearable but still uncomfortable. You did not have any other choice other than keeping it here. Otherwise, there was a chance that someone with ill intentions could spot the body and assume that someone was inside the cabin. You could not take that chance. After securing the door, you slowly turn to the dirty sofa, its designs are no longer recognizable because of the dirt.

You lightly took one of the cushions and turn it over to reveal the clearer side. It had brown and red plaid patterns. You could not help but remember the similar ones from your family's house. It was just like the sofa that you and your older brother used to play card games. Your heart sinks at the thought and you turn the other cushion as well. 

When it was all done and well, you laid on the sofa letting out a deep sigh. Your feet hanged from the end of the sofa and instantaneously all the exhaustion of the past few days sat on your whole body like an ox as your eyes slowly gave in to sleep. 

"No! One more!" thirteen-year-old you shouted at the older brother. He had just returned from college for the summer break, "You think I'm cheating?" he said disapprovingly. 

"I know you're cheating," you said raising one brow at your brother. "You haven’t lost a game since we started." 

"That's 'cause I'm a pro. Don't be such a sore loser," he said mockingly. He got up from his seat and made his way towards his old room, while you were venting to your mother about the game. A few minutes later he exited the room with one hand hidden behind his back. 

" Whatcha got there? " You asked. He revealed his hand and swung a little red piece of rope. "Here, take this," he said giving you the piece. "For your luck," You took it from his hand and realize that it was a bracelet with a four-leaf clover in the middle. 

"Very funny," you said smiling at the older boy, "Help me with it." 

He grasped the tiny piece of rope and gently tied it to your wrist. You lifted your head to face him, he was much taller than you now. 

"So much for a cheater," you said with a grin. 

Throughout childhood, you and your brother were as close as a brother and a sister could be. But you had never known what your brother thought, what was going on his mind, his dreams. 

You abruptly opened your eyes to see a man towering you with his tall figure. He was wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt and dirty, ripped pants that seem a little big for his figure. His one foot was on the small coffee table and had a crossbow aimed at your face. Shit. His piercing stare was making the situation even more fearful for you. Your heart was pounding like a drum set in a rock concert when you raised your arms to level your head in a surrendering pose. He still did not speak but you spotted a change in his stance. He must've noticed that you were afraid as he hesitantly lowered his crossbow just an inch, his shoulders stiffened. 

"Look, um…I-I don't want any trouble," you say when the man maintained the silence. His eyes were fixed on yours; it was almost like he was trying to read your thoughts. "You can take whatever…" Silence. "I don't have much, but…" You were slowly sitting up. 

"Stay put!" he finally spoke. His voice sounded like more of a gruff, demanding but not a yell." Put your gun and knife on the table,” he said pointing at your gear.

"No-I'm j-" you refused to give your gears that have been keeping alive. 

"Ain't gonna ask again," his voice was dangerously low. It was then you realized that he had a southern accent.  

"Okay," you say with a voice no louder than a whisper, and reluctantly put the knife and the gun on the table. He took and tucked them in his belt after checking the clip. He completely lowered the crossbow and made his way towards the kitchenette with hurried steps. He quickly checked the cabinets before he moved towards the drawers, in which you had left three of your canned food. He stopped for a second, then continued. You could tell that he was filling his bag with your food. 

"The hell ya doin' here?" he asked you, still busy with the bag.

"What?" You don't understand why he was curious all of a sudden.

"Ya alone in tha' woods just with two bullets." he said disbelievingly.

" I was on the main road when a herd dragged me here," you said not knowing if it is safe to share your plans with a total stranger. "I was waiting for the herd to spread out." 

He let out a growl as a response, but you couldn’t really figure out it meant. 

"Do you know how I can go to the old metal factory,” You debated for a moment whether to ask him where the factory was. Your former group had always talked about moving somewhere outside the city where they could be away from the walkers and draw in more survivors.

"What's there?" he asked drawing his eyes from his bag to you. 

"I-I don't know," you genuinely did not know what to expect from the factory, but you were willing to give it shot. This was the least you can do for your brother. He moved away from the counter when he was finally finished and stopped on his tracks to get a good look at you. 

You hadn’t seen yourself for a long time, but you could guess how bad you looked; greasy hair to the tips, hollow cheeks, dark under eyes, skin covered with dirt and blood… 

"Ya ain't too far", he finally said and made his way to the little window. "About twenty miles south, down this way" he continued pointing his finger out the window. “Ya got a map?” he asked. 

You nodded as you slowly took out the map from your backpack, laying it on the table. He knelt down across you and began to examine the map. After a few seconds, he traced a route with his index finger. 

“Ya need to go over tha’ river, there should be a bridge,” he said. This man just had taken half your food and now he was helping you. You did not know why but you were not interested in questioning his kindliness. 

At this point you didn’t even know who to trust, this man could even lead you into a trap for that matter. But you knew that the factory would be somewhere near the area he was showing you. 

“Thank you,” you said turning your head to face him. 

He got up from his knees as he let out a humming sound as a response.

       --------------

“Ya gonna need more than just two bullets if ya gonna take tha’ route,” he said putting your gun and knife back on the table and left the cottage closing the door behind him.

 Chapter 2

Author’s Note: The first chapter is here you guys! I must admit that it is a little longer than I’ve planned but please bear with it. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. It feels so great to finally share something with you. Feedback is always appreciated. Please send me your opinions about the story. 

[dontasktheradiodemon]

so basically any time I've seen you talk about food it's a meaty thing, if I'm not forgetting something. do you ever do any meatless meals? also where do you get your produce? being a vegetarian in hell is suffering. but I guess that's the point huh

🎶 I do very few meatless meals, but then I do very few plantless meals, either!

🎶 That seems like an obvious statement, but from time to time it surprises people. There's a stereotype that cannibals primarily eat flesh as a large portion of their diet, I'm sure from watching those who like to eat meat fresh and in public—and I’m sure my own reputation doesn’t help! But watching a cannibal chew on a man in the street and concluding he primarily eats human flesh makes as much sense as watching someone pluck an apple from a tree and concluding he primarily eats fresh, unwashed apples: eating like that is more of a treat than a dietary staple! But I digress. I do like to take these little opportunities to clear up misconceptions about my dietary community, but let’s get back on track!

🎶 Aside from the rare raw fleshy treat, my preference is for well-rounded meals with a complex flavor palate—meat, vegetables, herbs, spices, grains... Either all in one dish or spread between a main course and several sides that compliment the flavor. All told, I find the best meals have more plant matter than meat matter in them, even if the meat is the central attraction... but most of my meals incorporate flesh of some kind, yes.

🎶 But I won't turn up my nose at a sufficiently delectable meatless meal! The most common, of course, being seafood—I don't know whether you count seafood as different from meat, I don't myself but I know enough people who do that I thought it worth mentioning—but I'll have pure vegetarian dishes too. I make a mean variation on eggplant parmesan using a plant native to the inner ring of the Seventh Circle. The common name for it is "blasphemer's stool," it looks rather like a squat maroon cactus, and after baking it to neutralize the poison and letting it soak a couple of days to soften up, it makes a wonderful eggplant substitute! You can find it at most imp supermarkets for fairly cheap. Let me know if you'd like the recipe!

🎶 Which leads right into your next question, doesn't it! Believe you me, Hell isn't kind to carnivores, either. You're not going to find a cattle ranch or chicken farm down here, and the local shellfish are universally toxic. Most of the cannibals I know who started postmortem—including me!—did so because we humans are actually far safer to hunt and to eat than a vast majority of Hell's native fauna! But I digress again, you're looking for produce!

🎶 There's no easy guarantee to getting good produce, but here are a few tricks I use:

🎶 One: learn all your nearby grocery stores. All of them. And when I say “nearby,” I mean every store in a thirty-mile radius! And don’t count out the unexpected spots like the ice boxes in gas station convenience stores! Sometimes there’s just no better way to get a particularly fussy ingredient than by going store to store to see who happens to have a healthy supply. It means a lot of extra legwork in the beginning, but over time you’ll get a feel for which stores are most likely to have healthy onions, which stores all get their tomatoes from the same farm, et cetera.

🎶 Two: learn when your nearby grocery stores expect to have their produce delivered! It will be least likely to be wilted or rotten when it’s first delivered! To best compete with your local gourmands, you want to be there when that truck is being unloaded—even if that’s three in the morning! Don’t despair if your first few trips leave you waiting for a truck that never arrives; food shipments and deliveries are irregular, especially in the city, and expected delivery times are more loose guidelines. Make friends with the stockers and slip them a little bribe and most will be more than happy to tip you off when that long-awaited truck arrives, or even hide a healthy pack of peppers for you to pick up!

🎶 Three: get to know your neighborhood farmer’s market—as well as the farmer’s markets farther abroad. There are hardworking sinners scattered throughout the nine circles doing their best to coax Hell’s soil into growing seeds from the mortal realm. Their individual crops’ successes will vary more widely than those grown in the secure facilities that sell to grocery stores, but when they do succeed, they’re typically healthier and heartier than their grocery store counterparts! Subscribe to some farmers’ periodicals to keep up with which circles’ growing seasons seem likely to thrive and which are struggling this year, and if some crop you particularly covet is looking to have a good year, consider making a road trip out to the circle where it’s flourishing.

🎶 Four: get to know your neighborhood black market! If you’re willing to pay a little more for better quality, smugglers moving goods out of the mortal realm are the way to go. You’ll have best luck finding smugglers near enclaves of inhuman demons—imps and so forth. Be prepared to barter! Never put part of your soul on the line no matter how desperately you crave a nice juicy lemon. Five percent of your soul here, five percent of your soul there, and pretty soon you’ve sold ten percent of your soul! Some native demons see human souls as a mere currency of convenience to be freely exchanged, but enough treat collecting souls as an end in and of itself that you should never sell to someone you don’t know. What you sold for a bunch of bananas, they may not be willing to let you buy back so cheaply. Resist the temptation and deal only with smugglers willing to trade in money, goods, and favors.

🎶 Five: try cooking with local ingredients. Unsurprisingly, Hell’s native flora thrives far more easily than transplants from the mortal realm! Most Hellish crops require much more labor to make edible, not to mention palatable; but if you’re a little adventurous and don’t mind accidentally poisoning yourself from time to time, learning to work with local ingredients is very rewarding. Like I mentioned earlier, imp supermarkets are a fine resource for most Hellish produce—but there are some plants that sinners have worked into recipes that native demons don’t eat, so consider picking up a guide to Hell’s edible flora and foraging for your own ingredients!

🎶 And finally, six: consider growing your own food! Many mortal realm crops need quite a bit more help than a mere green thumb to grow—why, some will take a green arm and a leg!—but if you’re skilled, careful, or lucky, you can maintain a few ingredients yourself. I myself recently acquired an okra plant and a pepper plant that have lasted several weeks in fine health! No okra yet, but the bell peppers are ripening beautifully!

🎶 To the carnivores out there, most of this advice also applies to meat and seafood, with the exception that most mortal realm animals are even harder to raise in Hell than mortal realm produce. If you’re trying to avoid cannibalism, don’t look into hunting your own meat unless you’re really, really into hunting—and it doesn’t hurt to be an adrenaline junkie.

[pamabrew]

While everyone's K-Drama-ing, I'm K-Beauty-ing.

Nope. This is not about makeup for I am not a makeup person. Whereas, this post is about how I get to discover and appreciate the 10 Steps of Korean's Skincare routine. I know! Crazy right? 10 steps?! I couldn't even get my lazy ass to put anything after washing with soap. Yes, soap. Okay, here's a quick backstory.

BACKSTORY: 

2012 was the worst year for my face. I had breakouts all over my forehead and my cheeks. In short, all over my face!!! That was when I felt down and inferior the most. I couldn't really go out and I would rather stay home because the breakouts were withering. Come 2013 it's still there but decided to leave my cheeks alone, but still got them on my forehead. I used a yellow soap for treatment which I just bought in a local store in our place. Anyway, cut the long story short after "the great breakout" I stopped using any facial wash, makeup or anything that has to do with the face. I just wash it with water and that's it.

It helped though. I hardly had any breakout maybe one or two but that's when I'm on my period. Thank goodness.

Soooo....

I was browsing Instagram one night and saw these cutie packaging from a Korean beauty shop selling Korean skincare products and makeup. I started looking for blogs and articles that have the keyword: skincare, Korean skincare and 10 steps Korean routine on it. I got really inspired with Inky Cherie and Elisa Aquino's blog post about Korean Skincare so I decided to give it a try! After all, I'm turning 30 this year and one thing I can fully give to myself is TLC.

I started buying the products that I would like to try and were highly rated and recommended by bloggers, online shops, and articles I've read. Btw, I have a sensitive to oily skin so you’d better know first your type to exactly know which product to use, okay? Let me share with you guys my... 10 Steps Skincare Routine.

1. Oil Based Cleanser

Most people who put on makeup would definitely enjoy the power of these two. I only put eyebrow pencil and tint blush onto my face only when I’m scheduled to be in the office or have some errands to do. So meaning, I only get to use either of the two in those occasions. I would recommend the moisture cleansing oil for it can easily wipe off the makeup residue on the face even your waterproof mascara. So first step is to do the oil cleansing. 

2. Foaming Cleanser

Yes, I do the double cleansing to eliminate the excess dirt and to remove the cleansing oil from my face. I am using COSRX Low pH Good Morning Gel Cleanser. I use this twice a day; morning and evening. It does wonder to my face! I mean, after using you will instantly feel its power of making your skin feel and look clean! It’s so gentle but I’m not really good with its smell for I don’t like tea tree oil. I don’t like the smell of tea tree oil so that part, I have to endure. The second step is to do the foaming cleansing. 

3. Exfoliator

The most exciting part of doing the 10 steps is to do exfoliating. I am a noob into this kind of thing before, I don’t even know how to exfoliate and why do we have to do so. But now, I am enjoying and learning more about doing this step. I use Watson’s Collagen moisturizing & gentle peeling milk very seldom, but it’s so fun to use because you can actually feel like peeling all the dead skins on your face. Right now I am alternating Neogen Bio-Peel in Lemon and Innisfree Super Volcanic Pore Clay Mask every Wednesday and Sunday. Do not over exfoliate your face so basically, it’s advisable to do it once or twice a week. 

I love Neogen Bio-Peel because 1) it has lemon scent 2) it has two sides, the rough and the soft side. You use the rough side to exfoliate and the soft side to wash off the dead skin then you wash it off with water. You’ll instantly feel its effect! My skin feels so smooth and regenerated. I also love The Innisfree Super Volcanic Pore Clay Mask because 1) the strong absorption of sebum and the cooling effect of the clay refreshes the skin and contracts pores. The label also says that “Jeju volcanic clay is made from minerals released by volcanic explosions in Jeju. It's categorized as a preserved alkaline resource and is effective in removing sebum and other impurities.” 2) I can instantly feel how the mask is like absorbing all of my skin and pores. So the third step is to exfoliate. 

4. Toner

I am currently using COSRX One Step Pimple Clear Pads and Son&Park Beauty Water. I use the beauty water in the morning and the one step pimple clear pads in the evening. I don’t know the others but both work perfectly on my skin. When I’m not exfoliating, I am using the pimple pads because I don’t wanna overdo the scrubbing on my face. According to the product’s description, COSRX One Step Pimple Clear Pads are pre-soaked in betaine salicylate and willow bark water to chemically exfoliate without drying out your skin. Active ingredients penetrate deeply into pores to dissolve oil and dead skin cells, which help in controlling breakouts. This one is perfect for acne prone skin! 

Son&Park Beauty Water has willow bark and papaya extract and also has lavender water, rose water, and orange fruit extract that imparts a subtle hydration on the skin. I love using this because it’s so refreshing to the skin plus, it smells so good and not too strong. So, choose your toner or beauty water well. The fourth step is toning. 

5. Essence

(photo credit)

If you would notice, I am an instant COSRX fan! Not only they have good, gentle and effective products, they also have good packaging! I can’t say much about this essence yet because I am just going to start with this step. I’m still waiting for my order to arrive, probably tomorrow. But I’ve read that essence is the heart of all Korean skincare. “Think of this like vitamins for your face since it's loaded with replenishing and revitalizing nutrients to help prevent and repair damage, giving you ultimate elasticity and hydration.” - this I would have to see for myself. The fifth step is applying essence. (Halfway there!)

6. Serums or Ampoules 

I don’t know much about ampoules and I’m not using one so I can’t say much about it. All I can say is that I am loving this Collagen Hydro Balance Intensive Serum because 1) it’s cheap for a serum 2) it smells so good 3) not sticky at all and it dries quickly. I use this in the morning and at night. 4) it locks in the moisture of my skin and it promised to make your skin visibly healthy and youthful and I’m loving the effect on my skin.

I once used Human Nature’s Sunflower Beauty Oil but I didn’t like its oily effect so I quit. I have to keep it because you can also use it for the hair. :) The Sixth step is applying the serum. 

7. Sheet Mask

I didn’t give much notice on these sheets before. Honestly, at first, I thought it was just for making you look cute or just a fancy thing most girls do. I was wrong. I first enjoyed Etude House Pearl Extract Sheet Mask then ventured into different brands and kind. Currently, I am into Tony Moly and Innisfree sheet masks. Also, I’m enjoying Tony Moly Egg Pore Nose Pack. These sheets definitely give additional effect on my skin and help at least hydrate and repair my soon to be 30-skin. I only use sheet masks twice a week so if you would notice the whole ten steps thing is not really 10. 

So, the 7th step is by using sheet masks. 

8. Eye Cream

For the eye cream, I am using this beauty here. Mizon Snail Repair Eye Cream. Why use an eye cream? I have learned recently that the skin around the eyes is more fragile, more prone to dryness, and quicker to show age and fatigue so it has to have extra TLC. This eye cream gives my skin around my eyes a warm effect. It’s warm like really warm and I supposed that’s how it’s doing its job. I use this in the evening after putting my serum. I’m hoping to see less of my wrinkles in the coming days or weeks. The eighth step it to put an eye cream.  

9. Moisturizer

I am using this wonderful St. Ive’s Collagen Elastin Moisturizer. I’m sure you would find another moisturizer that would work well on your skin but this one I love because 1) why it's so cheap for a moisturizer 2) it smells amazing 3) dries easily and not sticky at all. It will give you a thick feeling on the face but it’ll submerge eventually. Why use a moisturizer? Because it can give your skin a soft and fresher feel. The ninth step is to moisturize.  

10. SPF / Night Cream

At first, I thought sunscreens are only when you have to go to the beach or when you’re going on a camping and would be exposed to the sun the whole day. I was wrong! I didn’t know the importance of sunscreen, especially on the face until I’ve seen videos and read articles about the effect of the sun to the skin. Do some googling. Now, I am using Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry-touch Sunscreen and this is my favorite amongst all the products that I’m using! 1) it’s so thin that I couldn’t even feel like I’m wearing a sunscreen 2) it gives a fine touch to my face like wearing a bb cream or foundation and 3) it smells so good! I feel so protected! Op. 

And at night, instead of using moisturizer, I use a night cream. It’s like putting a wash-off mask but leaving it overnight while it does its repairing and magic. I am using Mizon Good Night White Sleeping Mask. I can feel and see its effect in the morning, looking at my “just woke up” selfie and looking at the mirror looking for my pores! Gone! hahaha! That’s when I know that I’ve chosen the right product for my night mask. GOOD NIGHT! 

Whew! That was quite too many steps, isn’t it? Actually, it would depend on your case and the ways on how you’re going to apply those products. Some would usually have five to six steps and some might only do the three. It depends on the care and repairs your skin needs. Just make sure to find the right product and know your skin type first. Read and do the research. 

I’ve bought most of the products I am using online: Shoppe (The BBCream Shop,  BeautyBoutique, and Watsons. HAPPY SHOPPING! 

So guys, again these steps works perfectly on my skin so if it works on me, that doesn’t mean it would also have the same result on your skin. Not. And also, it’s better to start taking care of your skin early so you don’t have to cram about looking old at your age. There’s nothing wrong about giving your skin an extra TLC. Why Korean products? Because they’re not as expensive as the “infamous” products out there and they’re everywhere! Plus they have cute packaging and they can give same better results like the mainstream skincare products. How about you? What’s your skincare routine? 

Here’s my Good morning selfie and when I’m done putting everything on my face “in the office sched selfie”. #NoFilter