pamabrew

[pamabrew]

More days for coffee.☕️

[pamabrew]

The smell of the books..🍃

[pamabrew]

Coffee, books and all things hygge.🤍

[pamabrew]

On accepting who we are and being enough.

Kumusta ka? Ikaw na pagod, malungkot, nag iisip ng mga bagay-bagay, wanting to be heard but felt voiceless. Ikaw na feeling mo ginawa mo naman lahat pero kulang padin. Yung feeling mo nasayang na naman ang isang buong araw kasi walang ibang nangyari.

Most of the time we beat ourselves so hard that we failed to see all our efforts, all our determinations, and our willingness to try. That one glimpse of hope knowing that we’re still alive and trying to live our lives as normal as possible. I for instance had been a victim of my own self-loathing. I would blame myself for all the bad things happening around me, for the wrong decisions, for being sad, for being alone, and for being in an unwanted situation. I’ve been too harsh with myself that I forget to give myself some credit for those days that I’ve felt like I’ve done something good, I’ve accomplished something big or even small, for believing that I deserved all the good things because I’ve worked hard for it. I failed to trust myself, I failed to remember those moments when I only have myself as back up, those days when I thought I couldn’t survive a breakup, loss of someone, or those days I’ve been struggling to find myself, to know myself. I failed to give myself the credit for always showing up, not giving up, and for knowing what I want.

I failed to be fully honest with myself. There was also a time when I couldn’t bear to look in the mirror because I always see myself as the ugly one. Mundane and nothing special. Contrary to how other people see me. I’ve struggled to accept the good things that they’re telling me about me. It’s hard for me to accept a compliment. So now that I’m being honest with myself, I realized that past traumas have to be left where it belongs – to the past. Because I realized that, I’ve been so hard on myself for a long time that I thought I’m giving myself a favor for being strong, detached, and resilient. Some worked out in a good way but there will always be loopholes. I’ve set boundaries to keep myself from the hurt, disappointments, and from falling apart not realizing that I’m doing it in the wrong way.

So, as I’m writing this, I feel like some good energies are being released by my body and slowly embracing and accepting the things that I have within me. We all have insecurities and mine would be the fear of not being enough. Those people might get disappointed in me for not being the best. But I realized that being enough also has something to do with the other person’s needs. It’s not always about you not making it to the cut but for others as well for not meeting their expectation. So, you will always be enough. I’ve set this mindset to always forgive myself for not getting things done especially if it requires efforts from others as well. I’ve learned to not blame myself for not meeting their standards. For not knowing. As long as I’ve given my best, I have my truth, and that I know tomorrow I can try again. All being well.

It’s a different feeling altogether when you embrace your imperfections, your flaws, the things you have no control of, and the things that may break you. Know that you can always get back up, that you don’t have to do everything alone. We always aim to be the best version of ourselves that we became so hard at pushing it. We failed to recognise the truth that every day is a learning process, that as we set sail on the vast ocean, we will always have something to take to become better. There’s no limit, no deadlines on being better. We just have to be open to anything that will come, accept and keep moving forward. You don’t have to be enough for others you just have to be enough for yourself and be gentle with it.

Love.

Pam

[pamabrew]

Songs That Helped Me Get Through Things

When all else fails, music is here to stay. We all experience tough times and unfortunate things in life. This year has been a total turnaround for me and I bet for everyone as well. I’ve made so many big decisions and there’s no turning back. I’m in this place where I know what I want, what I need, and how I want my life to be. I have to let go of things that no longer serve me. Things and people whom I know will never be happy for me and will never help me grow. Some things have to end and bridges that need to be set on fire. I never really deep dive into the feeling and all the emotions which I know will only suffocate me. I never really had those sleepless nights and never the “no-appetite” feeling because I’ve learned to control my mind of all the things that will only hurt the wounds.

I’ve told myself so many times during one of my pep talk that I know I’ve given enough, that I know that I am enough. If you’re the other person who has given it all, there will never be any regrets. There will be no what-ifs and what could have been. I am that person and I know no matter what, there will always be another version of any story but mine will always be my truth. How did I make it through those downtimes? Music helps.

Let me share the music that will forever be the OST of this chapter.

Those times when you know you’re almost losing the tie.

“Pasensya ka na at 'di ko na rin madama

Kay tagal kitang hinihintay

Pasensya ka na kaya ko ng mag-isa

Kalayaan sa kamay ng lumbay'

Funny that ever since I’ve heard this song it got stuck into my head and I feel like it’s speaking to me or rather, I am speaking the music.

Those moments when you know it’s a dead-end but you make yourself believe that maybe we still can.

Unang Hakbang by Quest

“Yung di na mababago bitawan mo na

Sa paghilom ng sugat may bagong simula

Maniwala ka man o hindi

Lahat yan ay merong silbi, sige…” 

That moment when you know you’ve had enough.

“Tama na siguro nga di naman sa

Pagmamayabang pero ako'y pagod na

Sobrang sagad di pa ba sapat, oh tama na, tama na”

Di ako nanghuhusga

Kung sadyang di nagtugma

Ang hirap lang kasing ako ang laging taya

Ako ang laging mali

Ikaw ang laging may alam

Nagbulag bulagan na't lahat mapasaya ka lang

O teka di na dapat mag martir

Di na dapat pag awayan

Sabihin mo lang yung dahilan

Kung bakit naglaho

Damdamin mong tusong

Nagpaikot sa pag-asang may "Tayo"

When all has been said and done and people who know less, start judging you and questioning you.

Tayo Lang Ang May Alam by Peryodiko

“Tayo lang ang nakakaalam

Nando'n sa pagitan ng paalam at pahiram

Tayo lang ang may alam

Tayo lang”

And then there’s the break of dawn and you’re still getting a hold of yourself.

“Oh, I couldn't stop it

Tried to slow it all down

Crying in the bathroom

Had to figure it out

With everyone around me saying

"You must be so happy now”

Then there’s this song that can make it as the other person’s apology.

“Inaasahang malabong mapapatawad pa

Ang sakit din para sa 'kin na hayaan ka

Bumitaw dahil lang sa napabayaan ko

Ang pag-ibig na laging pinaglalaban mo

Dati-dati ay palaging sabik

Laging sinasalubong mo 'ko ng yakap at halik

Ngayon tila biglang kumupas na

Walang pag-asang magkalunas pa”

And when you’ve finally found another chance at love, there goes the other person’s parting words..

Ingatan Mo by Yayoi ✪ feat. Serjo & JDK 

“Pwede bang ingatan mo siya

Mga bagay na di ko man lang nagawa nung kami pa

Bawat larawan nyo na magkasama

Ay may mga ngiti nyo na higit nung kami pa

Ingatan mo siya

Dahil mali ako nung hinayaan ko sya na mawala

Ipakita mong sya ang mundo

Masakit ma'y kasalanan ko”

Finally, the song that made you believe that there will always be that someone who will meet you on a soul level and that there’s no giving up on love. 

“I'm not gonna fight back what I've become Yeah, I got bruises where I came from But I wouldn't change if I could restart I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars I've been going way too hard on myself Guess that it's the reason I've been feeling like hell But I wouldn't change if I could restart I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars”

I will forever be thankful to the Universe for leading me to this place that has always been with me all along. For giving me the courage to fight for myself and to never ever doubt what I have become. 

Love,

Pam A.

[pamabrew]

Writing has always been my first love. Since grade school, I would write short stories about random teenage love tales. I would write every night on my diary, sealing it with a padlock.😂 I’ve been writing from paper to digital — pamabrew.com to pamabrew.tumblr. I even did writing as a job. I gave blogging a try and find it interesting for a while. Been on hiatus and I started writing offline with so many unpublished short stories and one novel in progress.

I’ve been so afraid to let people read my work. I’ve been so afraid about them not getting it 😂 because that would mean that I am not that effective. I even printed everything like this one here with all my blog entries and unpublished poems and short stories. I wanted to make a little le journal for myself. Not for everyone to read but to keep it privately for my own pleasure. Maybe, this time I have to really finish the job and the printing so I would minus myself the frustration of not getting it done.

I admire people who has the same passion as mine. I admire those who has the courage to let the world read their minds. I wish I would have the same brave heart as yours.🤍

[pamabrew]

Bedroom Dump  © pamabrew

[pamabrew]

Random Shots  © pamabrew

[pamabrew]

Food Photography © pamabrew

[pamabrew]

I did a four-day social media detox and here’s what happened.

I’ve been out of focus for the past couple of weeks and I feel like something is really off. There’s this need again to detach, to unplug for a while to everything. I was thinking, was it about my personal life? Family? My job? Friends? Surprisingly, none of those were the reason. I was at work one day trying to focus on finishing my job, listening to my worship playlist when I suddenly felt overwhelmed.

Have you ever felt the need to always share whatever it is that you’re doing? Or when you feel like you are so committed to always have something to share even if it’s to be honest, was so lame and nonsense? I mean just to show people that you have a life and that you’re on it? Or that because you have a target KPI from people? Haha! Pathetic isn’t it? But most of us are guilty of doing such. Nothing’s bad about it it’s just a matter of how it affects you or it helped you cope up with things or sometimes just an outlet.

That’s when I realized that I am overdoing it and I’ve been oversharing. Whenever I’m on transit or just somewhere being unoccupied, I feel like social media has been a responsibility for me to check or do. Okay, I do social media for a living and no matter how hard I want to quit Facebook, I am not allowed because it’s my job, same with instagram. So now you’re thinking how I did that four-day social media detox, right?

Here’s how:

I’ve logged out all of my accounts from my apps and have to keep just those brands I’m handling. I can’t log-out of Facebook because of well, my job again.

I gave myself a limit to just check whenever (Facebook) I’m being tagged, mentioned or have to check inquiries. I hardly browse especially at night. (Instagram) I’ve cheated on the first day and tried looking at some stories but I have to be firm for my sanity. So, I never browse again nor watch any stories from the people I follow.

I made sure that I don’t put my phone on my bedside table when sleeping and that I don’t go checking on it first thing in the morning.

I’ve started writing on my journal again, religiously and I started bringing a book again.

So I hope people won’t take it personally if I don’t appear lately on your story viewers or if I don’t like any of your posts or if I ignore some DMs. I just have to detach for a while. I just have to let go and get used to not being so attached with technology and social media because the system is starting to corrupt my sanity. But you know what happed during those four days?

Here are the deets:

I’ve finished a book. Yep, in four days I get to finish that current book I am reading which would probably take me two months to finish. (Depends on the book actually)

I became so productive that I get to do some backlogs for my freelance, and even manage to spend some time taking photographs again.

I became so content again with silence and for meditation. I finally did it!

I get to be at the moment. I get to be present and get to really hear everything.

I was able to work out regularly without the need to show it off. I was able to do a lot of things actually without the need to share.

And finally, I get to realized that the best moments in life don’t make it on social media. I no longer have the urge, the need and the want to share.

I have to admit that it ain’t easy especially when it’s your job to manage social media accounts. It ain’t easy because some might think that you are just being selective or insecure. But you know what? It felt so good. It felt so good that you no longer have to always care about what other people are doing. That you don’t always have to have something to show. It felt so good that you have something to keep for you. And finally, it felt so wonderful to finally let go. To finally let go of the fear of “missing out”, the fear of “what others may think” and the fear of “not being seen”. I will definitely be sharing again but might depends its importance. I will now continue watching your stories again and be liking your posts again but note that I might be late on doing so. I don’t plan to keep myself updated 24/7.

I’m happy of what I did and my soul is even happier now. I feel so light and carefree and definitely back on track with my sanity.

[pamabrew]

Life Lately // Let time take its course.

I have been wanting to write everything for the past couple of weeks especially on my birthday week. That week gave me the roller coaster of emotions that I've been putting on sidelines for quite some time. But you know what? I've been repeating these lines in my head: 

 and it helped.

I'm grateful that this year will end in a more steady boat. That this year never fail to give me the peace of mind that I've lost over a year. I'm grateful for the answered prayers and for finally being free in all aspect. Grateful for finally giving myself the chance to grow and to open myself to more opportunities.

Anyhow, 

Let me tell you about this thing that made me realized that time doesn't heal all wounds. I belong to a broken family, my parents got separated when I was 7. I've witnessed everything a child must have not witnessed at a young age. I've witnessed how my father ruined our family. That night will forever be the tipping point of my childhood. I saw how my father got so drunk and wasted to the point of battering my mom over and over. I've heard words that were not meant to be heard by a child. I've seen evil on my father's eyes as he continues to curse and beat my mom.

All the fears and emotions I had on that night still lingers on me. For so long I've been so afraid to see couples fighting and seeing drunk people. I never wanted to witness anything like those because the fear would start to crawl in. I've been so afraid for 24 years and still afraid at the age of 31. I'm not sure how long I am going to have this feeling but I don't have any plans of nursing it for too long.

Recently, I got the news of how sick my father was and of how he wanted to see us, me and my brother. Honestly, we both don't know what to feel. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about someone whom you haven't seen for a decade or more. I'm not really sure if I'm ready for that but I know that I AM NOT THERE YET. I am not ready for a little reunion because if I'm going to look back at my emotions a few weeks back, I'd rather not see him at all, till the very end.

They say time heals all wounds, bet not. Because time itself needs some healing. Do not give me the "forgive and forget", "after all he's still your dad" bullshit because I'm not buying that. At the age of seven, I have learned a great deal of maturity on standing for yourself and to never long for someone who isn't there anymore. There was a time a month after my college graduation that I received a phone call from him. I was on the street at that time walking to my next job interview, I was only 20 then. He then asked me how I am doing, where I am and the usual "kamustahan". I never really liked having conversations over the phone especially with him. He then asked me "Bakit ka naghahanap ng trabaho dapat nagpapahinga ka muna kasi kaka graduate mo lang". That moment hit me like a volcano that's about to explode. I am on the edge of answering "Eh gago may pamilya akong dapat buhayin at kapatid na dapat pag aralin na dapat ikaw ang gumagawa". I just answered "Kailangan na eh." I don't really see the point of him calling me or even the point of having that conversation with him. I just don't.

I'm sorry if I sound mad but really I am not. I'm done getting mad that I don't have any more feelings to give. I was so done crying my heart out that I've got no more tears to cry for that matter. No, I haven't forgiven him yet. I can't. I'm saving that probably - God knows when. I don't feel sorry for my family though. In fact, I thought it was a blessing that we've been broken early. My mom got her freedom she deserves and I was never really short of having a father figure growing up. I have my uncle and Fr. Martin. They both made me feel loved and secured that I don't think my father can make me feel.

You know I'm glad that I'm writing this just now. I'm glad that as I'm writing this, I'm feeling more at peace and calm and never thought of crying. Never sad, never mad just plain thinking. I remember I was in this power yoga class a few weeks ago and while doing the cool-down part, I almost cried because I suddenly thought of forgiving him but then it stopped. I guess even yoga can't do anything about that part now.

We can't really force something that isn't there yet. We can't really force forgiveness or even acceptance. I am no longer that old self where I want everyone around me to be happy even jeopardizing my own happiness. I've learned to give more value to myself and to listen to what my soul is saying. I no longer force myself to like others just because "it's the right thing to do". We all can live peacefully without liking each other, without making yourself always available for them. People should know that we all got our own lives to live. We can always say NO to things that don't interest us anymore. WE JUST HAVE TO LEARN TO RESPECT DIFFERENCES.

I'm not sure how I made you feel by reading this and by knowing what's on my mind, but I'm pretty sure that I'm glad I made this. :) 

[pamabrew]

I still dream of Peter Pan & Neverland

Hi I’m Pam! I’m turning 31 this year and I think I’m still somehow feeling unmoor. Sometimes I feel like a paper boat sailing aimlessly into the vast ocean or sometimes floating by the stream.

When I was a kid, I used to think that Peter Pan would one day show up outside our window asking me to come with him to Neverland. I used to hang out alone by the big window of our old house. It was a big capiz window that has the perfect view of the horizon. I used to sit there every afternoon imagining that little boy Peter Pan would come showing up, waving at me, so I could wave back.

I remember always asking my grade school classmates to draw me a house with a garden. Specifically a small house behind the mountains or inside a forest with a little stream flowing by the garden and a garden filled with different plants and flowers. A place where I could just sit and read a book. I never really liked reading books at that time but I always imagine myself sitting by the tree reading my favorite book.

I used to play alone when I was a kid. I enjoyed building blocks and paper houses for my toy soldiers and creating my own story. I used to play basketball with my neighbors but mostly I’m at home playing by the garden with my luto-lutuan. I never really liked playing with other kids, I never really liked changing my game’s storyline. I guess I’m always that bossy kid who never really liked listening to other kids.

Maybe I was born to solitude. Maybe even as a kid I’ve fully enjoyed the freedom of enjoying my own company. That even when I feel like being with people, I’d always end up enjoying being alone. Sometimes, I wish I could live those moments again, sometimes I wish I could still sit on that big window and would finally see Peter Pan. I wish I could go back to that moment where bubbles are made of gumamela leaves and afternoons are made of coffee and pandesal, under our atsuete tree.

Am I sad? No, I’m not. But sometimes it feels comforting to reminisce and think of those good old days.

Drawing: Chow :)

Book: Nightwatch from Erps

[pamabrew]

There are no goodbyes, just see you later..

I’m not so sure how I’m going to start writing for this person without even crying. Today, as we were singing Moon River for him, I was on the verge of crying. I don’t know if it’s because I know that that moment will be the last time we’re going to have him around or just because my heart was just so glad seeing him singing with us.

Goodbyes are never easy and sometimes it gets ugly. It’s never easy setting people free and seeing them live another chapter of their life without you. I am good at goodbyes, I’ve even mastered the art of burning bridges, but how can you detach from someone when that someone was the one who taught you how to do it?

The beginning of June has got me all confused, afraid and sentimental. Fr. Martin, whom I consider as one of those special people in my life was diagnosed with the early stage of dementia.   He couldn’t even remember what it is he’s suffering from so I have to put it on his note. I cried for weeks, I cried and got so afraid for what’s going to happen next. They said he finally have to go back to Ireland and spend the rest of his treatment in a facility inside The Columban Missionary House in Ireland.

I couldn’t comprehend at first, couldn’t even accept why he has to leave and not just stay here and let us help him remember when it’s time. But the old man himself had accepted his fate. He was so brave enough to accept his situation and could even joke about not remembering us.    

Fr. Bernard Martin has been an angel to everyone he knows, he has been the father, grandpa and confidant to many. Just like everyone, Father or Erps as we all call him has been my guardian since 2005. If without him, I wouldn’t get that scholarship and I wouldn’t be with the best people in my life right now. We’ve known each other and have been friends for 13 strong years now. Erps has been there for me from the highest to the lowest point in my life and he never judged me even once when I had “that” phase in my life. He was there when no one has the ear to listen to all my ideas and dreams in life. He was the one who gave me my first camera. It was a graduation gift that I would treasure forever. He wanted to make sure that I would not stop pursuing my dreams and to continue taking good photographs.

Erps was there when I lost my grandma, he was there when I had my first heartbreak and he said that I’ll surely get by, that I am strong. He was the inspiration to all my books, the one who taught me the importance of reading and the beauty of solitude. He was there when I was out there trying to figure out life after college, trying to fit into the corporate jungle. He was there ready to listen and how he would always ask me how he can help.

Honestly, I feel so heartbroken right now. I might feel like this for a long time especially I know that there will come a time when he would just like to stare at our photos instead of using his ipad to communicate. There will come a time when he wouldn’t even remember every single name of the people he would be staring at and that-made me feel sad even more.

I know that I would miss visiting him in Singalong and visiting UE without him will never be the same again. I know I have to accept simple things like zero replies from him, no more him calling just because his load is about to expire. No more him telling me how special I am and how happy he is to have me around.

I don’t know how I will be able to move on from this sadness, from the yearnings. I don’t know how I’m going to live my life as normal as when he’s still around. 

How unfair it is knowing that you will not be able to walk with me down the aisle. How I am going to imagine you there enjoying Ireland’s air. I wish God would give you all the strength you will need. I wish God would continue hugging you and smiling at you because you deserve all the love and happiness in this world.

I am hearing Moon River right now Erps and I’m sobbing like a child while writing this and it’s breaking my heart. I have to stop because I know words are not enough..

I will forever be your Pamelita..

Thank you for everything, Erps. 

“We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend, my huckleberry friend, Moon River, and me..”

[pamabrew]

How being in a long distance relationship made me a better person.

It’s been four months now and I know that that’s a very short time compared to those whose relationship were built thru distance.  We’re still on this different time zone setting, the hi, hello talk and the good morning, good night leaving of messages. We have more months to go and for me, it’s fine. I’ve adjusted so well that I’m beginning to do other stuff for myself.

March

-  I’ve decided to accept freelance work because I realized that since I have more time to spare and more time online, why not make the most out of it. After all, it’s still an extra income.

April

- Whoa! Finally, box checked out of my bucket list because I’ve finally had the guts to enroll myself on a gym membership and started up circuit training. Again, I have more time to spare and an hour or two won’t hurt. It wasn’t easy especially if most of the time I’m doing it alone, it’s not easy because I’m still hesitant that I might look awkward trying to make myself strong. So why now? Because I’ve decided to make myself physically strong. I’m not doing this just because it’s summer or I want to get that “beach body” rather, I’m doing this for strength and to live a more fit and balanced life.

I don’t have plans on getting married nor having a baby yet. I’m still on the process of appreciating myself more and doing things on my own. I am still in love with the idea of exploring more and of becoming a better version of myself. Again, I get it just don’t worry about me not settling down yet. There were times when I feel guilty about feeling good about myself, about feeling free and about being able to do the things that I want to do. But then I realized that hey, it’s my life and I was not born to lock myself up and just be validated by others. I don’t expect validation from other people anymore. I am past that stage and I’m no longer interested on looking back. I’ve had my fair share of questioning myself drama and I am now me.

Commitment

- Just because I am doing things on my own doesn’t mean I have to compromise my commitment. I am committed to this person for four years now and I’m not planning to jeopardize that anytime soon. Besides, I’m happy that he’s happy with what I’m doing for myself. We are both doing things differently in life and for our career and we are very supportive of each other.

 - Yes, there were times that I feel like I am alone and that there will be misunderstandings but I think it’s just normal in a relationship. I’m just glad that we’re both matured to understand differences.  

 Temptation

- Yes, there were those who’s going to make you feel that you needed someone by your side “all the time”. There were those who’s giving you too much attention and those who’s going to make you feel special. Do I care? Of course I do. Because I respect their feelings and I respect them as a person but would I give in? What the hell do you expect me to say? I’m 30 and no longer interested on hooking up, “pa tweetums move” those teen-ager kind of feeling. I’m sorry but I’m not for it. I’m content and grateful for what we have. He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for me.

- How sure am I that he’s not cheating? Ever heard of the word TRUST? Yeah, there might be more blondes out there but I’m pretty confident that he would stay loyal to his commitment.

I  never thought that this would be this easy, I never thought that there are still things, good things out there for me to explore. I know that I’m getting older and have to make good choices also make more decent priorities in life but believe I’ve been doing those since at the age of 19. I know my responsibilities and been handling them so well so just give me this freedom to enjoy life even more.

To everyone who’s in this kind of relationship as well, stay strong and live your life just the way you want it. Never mind those who’s trying to question you just because they can’t do it for themselves. Your life, your choice. Stay free and in love!

[pamabrew]

My 30-Day Social Media Detox

I was inside the train today on my way to work at around 6am in the morning. As the first light of the day overpower the darkness so as my thoughts overpowering my sanity. We are now in a generation of “pics or it didn’t happen”, “post or you don’t have a life”. As a social media manager, seeing new trends or what the hell people posts these days is as important as having that cup of coffee first thing in the morning. As someone whose life is married on the socialverse seeing them would be satisfying, but dreading when it’s too much.

Too much in a sense that every time I’m going to open my eyes in the morning I would instantly reach for my phone and check messenger for unread messages, Instagram for new story updates from people and facebook for unseen likes and comments. Not even my email or text messages that might be in need of an urgent attention. Whenever I’m doing something for work or even doing work outside, I would think of putting things on my story first because I feel like if not, people might think that I’m just procrastinating. “People think” “people might say” people, always the people who in reality doesn’t really care-unless they’re your haters, they would absolutely care.

So I was thinking of doing this social media break that some people are doing, some people who just like me are sick enough of everything online. I remember seeing this “My 30-Day Social Media Detox” on my planner. I never thought it’s going to be of good use until today. I wanted to start today. As I’m writing this, I’m calculating things on how the hell am I going to make it right because 1) I check my brands thru facebook 2) I post for their Instagram account, also on twitter 3) we communicate in the office thru messenger so HOW? HOW? HOW?

So for my sanity, I came up with these ways:

1. Facebook now has this kind of setting where you can put preferences on your feed. All you have to do is to click the three dots beside your News Feed, top left. Click Edit Preferences, click Prioritize who to see first. Click the button top right from All to PAGES ONLY then click the pages you want to see first then click DONE. This kind of setting will allow you to see the pages you follow FIRST. This may not work hundred percent but at least this will lessen your views of your facebook friend’s status updates or posts.

2. I want to be invisible at least online so I’ve set up my messenger setting to Turn OFF Chat to everyone and turned off my Availability as well on messenger. That way, people won’t always see me online or won’t even see me online. I don’t want to be rude to them by saying I don’t want to talk to them or I’m not in the mood for nonsense talks so…I hope they would only message me for IMPORTANT/WORK RELATED matters only.

3. On Instagram since it’s almost impossible for me to not look at it, I’ve decided that since I’m going to follow my SM Detox guide religiously, I would only have to turn my Push Notification settings to OFF. I can still view other people’s post or stories but at least I can limit myself from over sharing.

4.Is blogging part of the detox? HAHA! Okay, even if I seldom blog about stuff, this will still be included. Point Blank.

5. Now, is liking, commenting and sharing part of the detox? I would say yes? As for me at least. Not that I don’t like them or don’t care about them it’s just that sometimes, people tend to overanalyze other people and measure their loyalty, awareness and fondness thru likes, comments and shares. I mean just because I didn’t like your post doesn’t me I don’t like you or I think it’s nonsense, it’s just that sometimes I like to admire things in silence. So please don’t get me wrong.

I realized that by doing this I am also giving myself the time to reflect on really important matters in my life. Also, lent is here and probably this is something I can do for Him and for myself. I hope after the 30 days, I still have my followers and friends! Haha! Just kidding! I hope this would somehow make a difference on my inner being, my awareness and how I see things again. I am always on quest for something to improve myself and how I can contribute well to others and to this world. I may sound so idealistic but believe me, I mean every word.

PS. If you want a copy of the Social Media Detox, just send me a message. Don’t worry I’ll consider that IMPORTANT. Hahaha! Or you may get a copy of My Write Life 2018 Planner from Mercury Drug.

Good luck!

[pamabrew]

Uhm, Nope.

It’s 10 pm and I’m writing this because I feel like there is this urge in me that wants to write. It’s hard basically because I am being distracted by 1) messenger 2) blogs I am browsing 3) my thoughts. Let’s talk about the latter.

My thoughts…

These days, I have been keeping myself busy with work, commissioned work and online selling. I must say I am enjoying everything, I feel stressed at times that my memory is having a glitch and I feel like I am losing it slowly. I am bothered though, with some other things like people, responsibilities, me enjoying my solitude and life for being so good to me.

I want to talk about people. Sometimes you know, I feel like I am surrounded with so many faces yet I feel like they are strangers to me. Basically yes, because most of them I hardly even know, some are officemates, acquaintances and some are just mere passersby. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t trust anyone, most of the time I feel like every time I am going to make human interactions I would always end up being awkward. Is it the age? Or is it just me having completely lost the motivation to put efforts on people? I was answering the “in” thing now on instagram about this or that. There was a question there about people whom you’ll gonna call to when you’re drunk, sad or if you want to have a good laugh. Honestly, it was so hard for me to answer those because I couldn’t think of anyone. Well for the most part that a) when I’m sad, I would rather keep it to myself or find some quotes on pinterest that soothes my feelings and post it on my IG story b) I can’t think of anyone to call when I’m drunk because I don’t drink much, I drink wine and pale pilsen but I can only have one glass/bottle. Also, my friends don’t drink so…

At work, I feel like so detach to everyone. I mean, I am comfortable being alone and sometimes when there’s fun and talks around me I get easily distracted that I would end up doing nothing. Lately, I enjoy going to the office because I am loving how isolated my work station is, I love it when no one bothers me especially when I’m in the zone. At work, I honestly feel like a floating balloon. There were times when I feel like I have to be careful about my thoughts especially when I’m surrounded by people I hardly worked with or hardly had the connection. I don’t hate anyone at work, though. I just sometimes hate some for being so annoying but would shrug it off later. At work, I sometimes feel like I am not needed. Some people would make you feel like they are better than you or they know more than you but I think it’s just their ego saying that they have to prove something. I don’t feel like proving anything though, because I am just doing what I love and that I am accomplishing things so I could chill later. At work, I feel pretty fine and I think that’s good for now.

Have you ever felt like sometimes there are those who would hate to see you doing great in life? That there would be those who would not celebrate your life’s little success because they don’t want it for you?  You know, I get that we cannot please everyone but sometimes I can’t help but wonder why those people are sometimes labeled as family or even close to being a family. I wonder how they manage to keep that tremendous amount of hate towards you when in fact, you just want to be close to them. You just want to understand them and eventually have this warm relationship with them. Why would there be those whose hearts are filled with grudges and insecurities. It saddened me to think that those actually exist. That they have this heavy heart towards you just because you can handle yourself well and that you are strong and that you can make things work. Sometimes, I wish they would open up their hearts to me, I wish they would try to look past this outer lining and see what’s in my soul.

My solitude…

It feared me sometimes that I am so comfortable being with myself that when I am being surrounded with people I tend to move away. It feared me sometimes that when I would try to tell my thoughts to people I would end up being judged, so I shut up. That I might have the uneasiness to do things again with someone. Basically, what I’m saying is that I am handling this LDR thing very well and I don’t feel sad anymore and that I am making the most out of the time I have.

Getting married and having children…

I wish people would stop over-analyzing my age and would stop panicking for me. I mean, I get it. Calm down people. I am at the right age to get married, have kids and make my own family but to be honest, I am not ready. I am not yet ready to plan out how I am going to spend my time raising a kid and trying to make a living and be a better version of myself all at the same time. Honestly, I was telling my best friend that I have accepted the fact that 1) if I’m going to be blessed with a kid then that’s fine b) if in time I lost track of time and couldn’t make it to the last line of bearing a child well, it’s fine as well. I guess, this is the age where people are too busy chasing their dreams and rushing themselves to be success. This is the age where marriage is slowly losing its essence and life is on a fast lane. Not that I have anything against people who chose to have their own family at a young age, I’m just saying that we all have different priorities in life and I’m sorry that getting married and settling down are not on my tops. So please, stop questioning me, of me not getting pregnant yet and me losing numbers on the calendar.

I feel like I still have more things to discover about myself, I feel like I still have a long road to travel and I feel like I haven’t found my right self for that matter. You don’t have to judge me because of that because I won’t judge you as well with your choices in life. I don’t care. I don’t have the time to question you so feel free to stop asking me. I’m 30 and so what?

Bye. 

[pamabrew]

3AM Thoughts:

When the darkest hour of the day came and you're still wide awake because your thoughts just keep on floating on thin air and sleep seemed so far away, you get a moment like this:  

When everyone's busy traveling to dreamland and snoozing infinite, you're there, lying in bed, wide awake, trying to stop your mind from creating scenes and scripts and been trying to kill people slowly just like that of a Saw movie.

Not having Joma around has taught me three things: 1) Learning to appreciate the night and stop going after the sun. Not minding the time because time is time. 2) Catching up with old friends and realizing that hey, it's nice to just sit there and to forget about your phone for a while. 3) The real connection never goes out of style. It's the little things about loving your tribe and winning over the feeling of I just want to be alone.

Most of you might know that I only have very few people in my life and that I have the habit of burning bridges when it's no longer worthy to cross. I hardly see my friends and I love talking to people online but very reserved about my time outside. I'm not sure if it's the age, the personality or just the mere choice of being comfortable being alone.

I enjoyed eating alone outside, visiting bookstores and doing the grocery alone, even before Joma came in. Probably, I'm just giving myself a little refresher of those times in the past where I enjoyed doing things on my own. Instead of being sad, I'd rather take the chance to continue growing and discovering myself and to enjoy the bliss of accepting myself even more.

I'm not sure if people thought I'm boring because I can't do things like those of an extrovert. They might be thinking that I'm so caught up in my room, with my books, with my writings and candles and just there listening to music.

The thing is, this is who I am. These are the things that are making my life more meaningful. Deep, long conversation, long walks, and coffee. Going to places and wine over stories. Movies and cozy sheets, these are the things that are making me feel more alive. I could talk to you for hours, I can listen to all your stories, I won't mind as long as we'll keep it real.

I always appreciate people who don't need to put on their mask in front of me. I always admire people who don't hesitate to share their story and those who don't have to filter everything and very comfortable with their self when I'm with them. I admire Veejay (office mate) when he said that he gives people the chance to show themselves before judging them. I like that, and I would like to do that as well.