#but i have other gay ass elves that i like to think about too

[yardsards]

thinking about that gayass elf is an olympic level sport and brother i am going for the gold

[draugariki]

Fuck it, Hetalia Nordics as things people in my medieval/viking studies classes once said:

Sweden

"I wish a giant duck would come and throw meatballs at me."

"In this essay, I will go through the five stages of grief."

"The two different types of gay person are 'mess' and 'pink'."

"Does your coat colour-coordinate with hypothermia?"

Finland

"This slaps! It's what the blood of my enemies tastes like!"

"Speaking as a serial killer, all genders die the same."

"The Finns actually dress for the weather! We're not lizard people!"

"Biting people can't be that difficult, surely?"

"Death tops us all."

Denmark

"I forgot Jesus' name the other day. I called him Dylan."

(Describing foot fetishes): "That's what happens when you live in Iceland for too long."

"You have to set your dick free and go talk to the barman."

"I'd like to think I'm a distinguished gentleman, but I'm probably a little sewer boy."

"A buttered crumpet is a happy crumpet!"

"Iceland is the Alabama of Scandinavia."

"We need to have a [Nordic] three-way."

"This field needs me to come and shake it by the ass."

Norway

"The Lord is telling me to commit indiscriminate slaughter."

(About Denmark) : "He looks like the kind of man who would fuck a koala."

"Hákon and Olaf and Harald, the three genders."

(To Denmark): "Everyone wants to kill you; I just want to kill everyone."

"Something that has occurred to me is that elves must have total birth control, because they have, like, two kids in 3000 years of physical prime."

"Just wear a mail shirt under your puffer jacket."

"If I could have an IV drip of black americano directly into my body..."

Iceland

"If you don't have your own confidence, store-bought is fine."

"I have a very weak moral compass, if I have one at all."

"I'm becoming a worm now."

"I'm going to inject sertraline into my eyeballs."

"I would date Hottr from Hrolfs saga. Hottr's my type."

"I don't know, I've never shoved a walrus penis up me."

[mimsyaf]

I am watching The Witcher S3:

It is impossible (for me, ymmv) to give 2 shits about anyone in this fucking show except Yenn, that elf guy who Siri Ciri used to hang out with for a bit when she was fleeing Nilfgard in S1, Jaskier (but only because Joey Batey is marvelous), and Cahir because we stan one (1) deranged fanatic, and I guess also Fringilla because she seems as over it all as I am. Oh and Istredd my beloved, who so far has been in a total of 10 seconds of this season.

And you might say, well Mimsy, that’s a lot of people. To which I would reply that THERE ARE SO SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE IN THIS and it is so confusing but not in a “keep up with the clever twists” kind of way but a what the fuck is ever happening at any given time kind of way. Like, everyone’s got at least 3 agendas and are double crossing each other all the time but I can’t keep track of ANY of it. And there are just too many existential threats. But anyway, despite the people I mentioned above that I do want to actually see, instead I am watching hours of footage of That Fire Dude, the king’s ambiguously rascally gay brother who I want to like but I seriously don’t have a clue what his deal is and also he needs to open his mouth more when he talks, Fucking Francesca and Filavandrel (I thought HE was supposed to be King of the Elves or whatever, but he just mopes around after her sorry ass), Fucking Francesca’s Brother Who Is At Least Now Dead, that other elf guy who talked like Bill Pullman and who was annoying but at least he also hated Francesca, Meanface Tissaia, That Very Hot Sorcerer Guy from S2 who I guess is sleeping with Tissaia and is leading the sorcerers or at least the AMAB ones (do THEY get turned into eels, or is that fate just reserved for girls), that guy who I think is supposed to be a dwarf but is mostly just Scottish. that Redanian king and his spymaster Dykstra or however he spells his name (actually I would climb that old man like a tree but I hate his stupid storyline also because I have no idea what he and bird lady are even trying to DO), The White Flame Who I Guess Used To Be The Hedgehog Guy but seriously the actor playing him is like 30, I guess he fathered Ciri when he was 16, Ciri Herself, Geralt’s offscreen-fridged mother, that Druid lady (I like her werewolf bf though), that fake version of Ciri who sometimes talks in a weird voice, and The Wild Hunt. Who I guess are supposed to be terrifying but who just remind me of Gwar tbh. Oh and maybe Simon Callow is in it, or was? Above all I do not give a flying fuck about Geralt, which is kind of a problem. He’s BORING. He’s so BORING. And he’s onscreen so much of the time.

I dunno, people’s fic about the video games made them sound fun, were those fun? This is decidedly more unfun with each season although it is kind of queer and has many many beautiful people to look at. It also has a lot of non-specific vibes and I guess I’m watching for that. But if one more person says “The Continent” again I am going to lose my shit.

[duckingwriting]

WIP Wednesday

I was tagged by - @late-to-the-fandom Rules:

In a reblog (or new post/w rules attached) post up to five filenames of your WIPs, not titles, file names

Post a snippet from one of them. Snippet must be something you wrote in the last 7 days (we're posting progress here. If you haven't made any, go make some and come back to post!)

After you've posted, people can send you an ask with one of your file names. You must then write 3 sentences in that file. If the filename is one you can't share from, write 3 sentences on it anyway and then 3 more on another to share!

That's it! You can invite others to join in or just post. If you tag me in your post, I will send you an ask request.

I’m tagging - @mariahwritesstuff, @author-a-holmes, @wildswrites, @moonandris and leaving an open tag too because I can

I feel like my naming privileges should probably be taken away...I cuss a lot. 1 - Gay Ass Fucking Superhero Comic that needs a god damn name

2 - Robin Hood But Gay and Western 

3- Only Supposed to be one fucking thing buuut...Beauty and the Beast meats Little Mermaid

4 - Western with Orcs and Elves - Need to figure out a title

5- tsuteyxsully - omega verse

Snip bellow the cut for Robin Hood But Gay and Western - no edits just copied straight from the file in it’s unedited glory.

Robin sat between Phil and Tuck as they ate their meal. He was happy to not that the cr3ew seemed to be relaxing around the sheriff. He knew the other man would be plenty handy around the camp. He had half expected a fight from John when Robin had handed over one of the rifles and asked the other man to join in on the hunting. But John and Phil had seemed to fall into working together with no problem. And once John showed his acceptance of the sheriff the rest of the crew had fallen into step. They all started relaxing and making jokes about the other man chasing them around."It'll work out the stiffness in her wings!" Cole gestured towards where Nix was ignoring Char as he made happy chirping sounds and attempted to groom her feathers.Phil laughed and nearly choked on the fish he was eating. "And risk you injury from running off a cliff? Not when I'll be the one having to drag your useless corpse back to camp.""And I will not be patching you back up again." Will shook his finger at the young man. "Once was enough!""You guys are-" Cole's statement was cut off by the sound of many hooves coming towards camp. Men surged to their feet and guns were drawn. Ridding in front with her girls fanning out on mounts behind her Marian raised an eyebrow at the welcome."If I didn't know better I'd think that I wasn't welcome." Marian felt a flash of relief seeing Phil among the group of men slowly lowering their guns in confusion."What are you doing here?" Robin stepped forward reaching for her waist and pulling her from her mount with a confused half smile. "They attacked the Vixen." Marian's eyes flashed with anger. "Wanted me to turn you in and when I told them I didn't know anything they torched the building."Men moved to help the women unload the belongings they had. Phil tried to pretend that he wasn't hurt by the presence of the woman. It wasn't like he and Robin had been building more than friendship. He avoided looking towards Tuck as much as possible, not trusting the preacher to not see right through the smile he forced on his lips. It made sense that when danger struck Marian would go to Robin. She was marrying him after all. Wasn't there something about trust there or something?

[pamphlettyr]

JKR has always been a fascist and i can prove it mathematically

Exhibit A: Wizard School is British Public School. The School admits the elite regardless of origin. The Bell Curve had just been released, and basically the only 3 people who knew about it were scientists (disproved the concept) leftists (ethically negated the concept) and racists (loved it). Whether she had read the book, she reproduces the idea here. Hence why hermione must hyper-overachieve in order to prove her place. 

Exhibit B: Magic system is just servants. This is why it goes straight from ubermensch to slaves, because the servants have been erased. This is why the magic is dogshit, because instead of tapping into the divine, it is rendering the mundane as mystical. "carry this for me" "run and grab me the thing" "give me the chamberpot, and then take it away for me". This is why the three unforgivable curses are "kill him" "torture him" and "i don't care what it costs, make him do it anyway". The elimination of the caring labor that makes society actually run is deeply misogynist, but is also a cornerstone of fascist ideology. There are mothers, there are aurors, there are business owners, and there are slaves. 

Exhibit C: pottermore and the liberal brownie points debacles. Everyone pretends this was her being weird and the falling into reactionary ideology ass-first, but her behavior absolutely follows the patterns of other right wing ideologues, creating sensationalist, spreadable content which also contain right wing ideology. In her case specifically If she was a liberal but stupid, she’d have made dumbledore gay *and* tonks trans, tonks trans is a slam dunk, a no brainer. But that’s not what she did because she has always viewed queerness as degeneracy, and views tonk’s ability as an analog for getting a makeover by a team of professionals. You can tell she views queerness as degenerate because she displays the 3 types of gay experience that fascists will allow in society: You can be an invisible celibate monk like dumbledore, a victim who does everything right like lupin, or a pedophile rapist like fenrir.

Exhibit D: JK wrote House Elves as black people. Fascists constantly tell jokes which reproduce the idea that black people would be and had been happier under slavery (and if i understand correctly, segregationists said the same thing about segregation too)Indeed the speakeasy in Fantastic beasts has a House elf Jazz Singer. Her staunch argument in the story, and on Pottermore that slavery is good for the elves is a paternalistic one, and paternalism is the cornerstone of colonialism, which itself is the foreign policy of a fascist. Understanding this, we are legitimately lucky that she never had a reason to show wizard america in the 80’s because she would doubtless have introduced us to a little guy named rocky who can’t get enough of his crack pipe.

Exhibit E: the naming conventions. I know it’s innocuous, but fascist both require a teaching method that prevents you from imagining others complexly, and also find pleasure in reducing people to stereotypes. It is aesthetically pleasing to them, and fascism loves smuggling itself in through aesthetics, since it takes a massive fucking post to unravel them.

Exhibit F: The post HP franchise elements. The play where the kind guy who is murdered by a fascist, isn’t murdered and joins the fascist because it turns out you can be a nice dude and a wizard nazi. Same play where the woman who staunchly argued against slavery and was belittled for it was portrayed by a black woman. Black Hermione just tickled JK Rowling, that’s how she put it too. Also, nobody can say enough about How fucked fantastic beasts is, the movie in which we have to stop johnny depp from preventing the holocaust because the wizarding way of life is actually immoral, but that won’t stop the guys with the torture prison. Exhibit G: The casting. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that all the queer british actors, and queer allies didn’t wind up getting cast in the film, even as cameos, when the list of british actors who did wind up in the series is 20 miles long. Exhibit H: the goblins: A ton of ink has already been spilled about this, but I think something needs to be said. By “reading you into” the wizarding world, and giving you the secrets about what’s happening behind the scenes, you can already see where this is going, it flips the moral calculus about who is wrong in antisemitic violence, and creates a conceptual framework that a fascist could exploit. Crucially it doesn’t have to be jews, For the sake of argument, let’s say, she could expertly slip into this kind of rhetoric where she reads you into the secret way that the world is being ruined by trannies like me. Exhibit I: new labor. If you know you know, I'm not going to rehash the last 30 years of British politics for you, but JK supported new labor, even in their choice to attack Iraq in support of America's genocidal slush fund.

Conclusion: Orson Scott Card, noted bastard and Direct Descendent of Brigham Young, wrote the novel “Ender’s Game”. Ender’s siblings engage in a political project in order to catapult ender’s brother into political prominence, and inject his ideas about how to solve the world into the public discourse. To accomplish this Ender’s sister starts Demosthenes, and Ender's brother starts Locke. Demosthenes' job is to constantly pull in liberals with lowest common denominator crowd pleasing stuff, Locke's job is to bring in a dedicated audience of hierarchically minded fascism enthusiasts. Demosthenes will grow her audience, until she has sufficient margin, and then begin to signal how Locke has some good ideas, weeding out the savvy audience who would reject Locke anyway. This sets the stage for an accelerating rightward shift which takes people who might never have come to Locke on their own, and grabs the furthest left available audience and everyone between Demosthenes’ original position and Locke’s platform, and rapidly sweeps any who could be even temporarily bamboozled into supporting Locke into doing so at a critical juncture.

[sorcerous-caress]

Fucking felltttt!! I should tag who am I cuz I'm a regular here but I'm not about to admit I'm being autistic about Bobstarion.

I know we kinda make digs at people who completely oversexualize him, but I feel like people who completely deny his sexual autonomy are even worse. Especially because they try to deny that's what they're doing (and they just HAVE to be anti-polyamory and don't even try to hide it). I understand why people can be uncomfortable with the drow scene (even though if they think Astarion wouldn't dissociate during sex with Tav they're unaware of how trauma works) but it is entirely consensual and I wished people would stop trying to like use trauma as an excuse to be prejudiced

I saw a post that was like "actually the reason bobstarion agrees to poly with bear daddy is because high elves think wood elves relationships never lasts"

And all the comments were like " omfg yes 🥺 baby vampy is so possessive he would never share! It hurts him to share with Halsin SEE SEE" And people were comparing it to his dissociation during the drow twins scene???

like oh my god. Oh. My. God.

The heavens have split open and given us a character who is:

Poly

openly sexual

openly bi

openly attracted to men

whilst having sex related trauma

who explicitly states he doesn't want you to be his protector

Who longs for freedom above all else

Who is willing to manipulate you and scare children

Who CHOOSES to not have sex for a while because he doesn't feel comfortable

Who tries to have the threesome bc he knows he likes sex but ends up realising he didn't enjoy it halfway through because the wound is too fresh. Or because his trauma acted up again and he dissosates despite him stating it's what he wanted to do since, yk, people with trauma aren't fucking prophets.

we got handed peak representation on a plate, a complex character who is both sexual and sexually traumatised. And we said "...nah, make em pure bean instead or make him follow hetero-monogomy instead."

Jail for 1000 thousands years, jail for one thousand years.

take after take after take, he either gets washed into a hetro possessive vampire guy or a gay bottom twink. Also, people really reallyyyy focus on the fact that he has "pure white skin" and hair a lot. It's giving 2010 yaoi. Same ones who erease his wrinkles and plump his dry ass colouress lips and give him doe eyes.

Same ones who really romanticise how thin and "hollow-boned elf" he is and how "you being on top of him would feel like a weighted blanket bc he is soooo small and thin and babbyyy"

Do they...do they just Ignore Halsin's existence? The other elf in the party who is built like a brick house and even beat Minsc in strength??? You looked at that man and. Concluded hollowboned race of twinks?

[agendratum]

okay i might be myself gay for neve gallus but still i'm conflicted on who i would love to romance as my rook, and i probably will wait for when i'm playing the game to make the final decision anyway buuuut

so with neve i'm like, i just have this pretty fun image in my head, with this kinda naive, full of wonder, very young rook meeting this fucking noir detective. and i just think it could be very interesting (obviously i don't really know neve unlike many people who read the other da media she's in, so idk what this noir detecting is really like)

but then i think how my rook admires grey wardens so much, and she's gonna meet davrin, who's also, hello, a monster hunter. literally like a character from the stories she loves so much. like at least she's gonna have the biggest hero crush on davrin. and i think they could have a very tasty dynamic (and also i never romanced a grey warden before, i only played as one)

but then, talking about wonder and stories, here's bellara, fascinated with the secrets of ancient elves. some of this stuff is something my rook, probably, would grow up thinking is definitely just legends.

also here's taash, a fellow lord of fortune from rivain, and just like with neve i still have a very cute image in my head of this short ass rook and taash being together, just getting into shenanigans and shit, just trust me it's very cute

then there is lace harding, everyone's high school crush. and like, wouldn't my rook get a crush on her too? she would. easily. any day

emmrich and lucanis are the only ones i don't have much thoughts like this for, but it doesn't mean i'm not looking forward to them, or that i don't expect the dynamic with them to be super fun

and anyway, whoever my rook ends up romancing, i imagine she would just be sitting with eyes so wide open, like two headlights, looking at all of her companions and eating all of their life experience, all of the stuff they know and can do, she'll love them

[135-film]

stole this from an ask game because i have no respect for people and i don't think anyone cares about my opinion on characters. so meow. i'm just answering it myself idgaf

i'm gonna be talking about my babygirl (DA2 not awakening) cus hes on my mind frequently.

1. why do you like or dislike this character?

his transgenderism captivates me. and also the terrorism/treason

2. favorite canon thing about this character?

his everything. i literally think about him daily

3. least favorite canon thing about this character?

his hatred towards elves especially fenris. i like his asshole attitude until it comes to literal slaves but i don't even think bioware like, knows what slavery ACTUALLY is so. lol.

also i love bisexuals more than anything (bisexuals are the sexiest people aliveeee) but also the fact that he "is" bisexual even though he really. shouldn't have been. his interactions with female hawke are so insanely lackluster it hurts, but his interactions with male hawke are more than faggoty to the point real human people were mad about him being a faggot to them

4. if you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

nothing <3 i don't think about crossovers because i do not really care for them

5. what's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

i don't do music associations for anyone but IRL people and my kins so i do not have a single one.

6. what's something you have in common with this character?

we are both gay transgender terrorists

7. what's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

almost nothing. they make his stupid gay ass UGLY and also i hate dragon age fans (i am not joking)

8. what's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

when they bitch about him because hes an asshole or they make him super buff and cis and ugly. and they also like to pair him with fenris because le tensions or whatever, but i am literally begging people to use their fucking brains about that. (they won't)

9. could you be roommates with this character?

no. he would kill himself

10. could you be best friends with this character?

no. i would kill myself

11. would you date this character?

PLEASE ANDERS PLEASE CALL ME BACK PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE I NEED YOU SO FUCKING BAD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

12. what's a headcanon you have for this character?

his transgender cock is huge

13. what's an emoji, an emoticon, and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or that you think this character would use a lot?

i think this question is stupid but, without a single doubt in my mind: 😼

14. assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

miniskirts and crop tops. and shorts that show his ass. and a g string. and

15. what's your favorite ship for this character? (doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

just anders/hawke (either gender for hawke but M hawke is what i imagine), i don't really think about the companions dating outside of the pre-existing relationships (like iron bull/dorian). but i don't really think DA2 has many good options for him anyways, so unless he's making out with some random fucking NPC that only says "i'm so hungry and it's so dirty down here" i don't think he's getting anything

16. what's your least favorite ship for this character?

fenris/anders. i already said my reasons.

17. what's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite.

i like, almost never see any other ship honestly. i guess i did see a threesome fic that i liked with isabela, but they weren't a thruple they were just fucking lol

18. how about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

i think this question is worded so strangely. but i think a lot about justice and anders relationship a lot, and honestly karl and anders relationship too. i just lay here and go , man .

19. how about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

need i say it again. also, him and aveline should just relax a bit more tbhtbh

20. which other character is the ideal best friend for this character? the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter.

honestly i still think DA2 anders should be best friends with oghren. not that he WOULD be, but that he should be

21. if you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? what's something you don't like?

i literally only write porn fics of DA characters. (i have not shared them anywhere because they are old ass WIPs from like, ages ago.)

buuuut i don't like making him blond and i like melding his awakening personality and DA2 personality together because it's just what makes the most sense to me.

22. if you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? what's something you don't like?

pretty much same as above, and also the whole cis thing. i really cannot believe people don't see him as a nasty tranny

23. favorite picture of this character?

his concept art.

24. what's another character from a different fandom that reminds you of them?

uhhhh. probably nobody right now.

i haven't played BG3 but i've HEARD (from fandom spaces) that gale is pretty similar to anders in a few different ways. but i've also heard (from friends who know nothing about DA) that they don't think i would like gale, so.....truly who is to say unless someone wants to buy me a $59.99 (+$4.50 in state tax) game so i can learn more

25. what was your first impression of this character? how about now?

when i went into DA2 i was about 15 and had only ever seen fenris/hawke and that was what i wanted. until i saw anders. and then it completely derailed my course and i went fucking crazy for him. and now i cant NOT date him

[olderthannetfic]

(anon who mentioned shotacon and RPF)

I suppose I'm not too bothered by RPF as a concept. But the culture that surrounds it is awful (huge overlap with celebrity culture).

Sure, there's a lot of really generic "insert hot character here" stuff out there but there are also works with creepy levels of detail and research that receive praise rather than scorn. And, of course, complied research posts to back everything up.

Then there's Real Person Shippers who will try to "prove" that their ship is "canon" (to real life??). This is especially awful when it comes to gay Real Person Ships because this is how people get outed without their consent. It can and has also ruined friendships.

So, it would be fair to say that my issue with RPF/RPS fandoms is that creepiness is rewarded, rather than punished or criticised. That bothers me and it should bother other people too.

Also this might just be a Modern Internet thing but people have become way too comfortable showing their RPF, RPS works and NSFW fanart to performers. Why are they tagging performers on Twitter to show them this stuff? 99% of performers won't enjoy the experience, and even then they have a limit! And they can't tell you to stop because no one would listen anyway and it would make them look unapproachable (to the fans that look for parasocial relationships, or just don't want to hear a performer say "no") .

As long as people (A) respect the boundaries of performers (B) take issue with people who don't respect those boundaries in their fandoms and (C) keep their works in fandom spaces like Tumblr/AO3/deviantart and away from public spaces like Twitter/Instagram/Facebook, I don't mind. But people seem to have no sense of boundaries or consideration for their fellow man these days, so I'd feel safer with the knowledge that they're only acting like this towards or about fictional people who don't exist.

--

LOL. No.

You only think RPF has a huge overlap with celebrity culture because you only see RPF when people with no boundaries are sticking it in celebrity culture spaces. Better RPF shippers are off on some fic site, keeping to themselves.

There's no inherent connection between liking to read fake-ass AUs where celebs are elves running a coffee shop and caring what's in the tabloids. Even the detail-heavy fics are usually just things a passionate fan would know from public appearances. Some people have a good mind for details.

I agree that the worst of the Larry shippers were horrendous, but that isn't what most RPF fandom looks like.

Frankly, shoving nsfw of a character with their face under an actor's nose is common today too. I think plenty of actors wouldn't take it any differently than RPF subjects do. The worst of FPF shippers conflate actors with their roles or harass canon's creators about making things canon.

RPF vs. FPF is not the difference. Gross celebrity culture with no boundaries on twitter often is though.

[atherix0]

HIII ive been trying to write this ask for a whole Day atp but writing these is a full time job lmaoo and Real Life (work….) has been kicking my ass so .

scar:( i feel so bad everytime he talks about his condition and. it's so fucked up that he can't make fairy rings safely, like, he's fae but he can't even do all of the stuff that's like second nature to other fae without hurting himself:(

the fact that small covens are being targeted and scar just found out that maybe (definitely) mumbo sees grian and him as his coven….. and now he wants to learn how to make fairy rings….. to keep grian and mumbo safe…. yeah i'm normal about this

grian waking up in scar's room, in scar's bed, with mumbo still asleep next to him, and immediately coming down with messy hair and all to greet scar<3 and then he took scar on a date right away<3 that's so gay of him<3

grian is very gay in this chapter in general. yeah dw grian, it's completely normal to call your friends tempting and alluring without even thinking about it, definitely platonic and not gay at all!! just bestie things right!!! AND THE ELVEN JEWELRY PIECE. HE BOUGHT IT HE'S SOOO. scar said yeah so it's a jewelry piece you give to elves to court them and grian's brain went I Need To Have It In My Possession For No Particular Reason. obssessed with him fr. i will go crazy if grian and mumbo give it to scar later....... oh and btw everyone who took one look at grian and scar that day totally thought they were boyfriends, they were acting soo<3 they make me sick fr<3

UGHHH GRIAN'S PAST..... god all the little glimpses into what his life used to be are so interesting, can't wait until it gets explored more<3 i'm looking at the tag about him not being a watcher /yet/ . and poor grian lmao scar just really made him have a Horrible realization by saying one sentence.

JELLIE!!!!!!! :3 i've been waiting for her to appear<33 and of course scar spoils her to hell and back, as he should<3 that's all i wanted to say, i just think jellie deserves her own paragraph<3

protective mumbo protective mumbo<33 he has to make sure that grian and scar are okay at all times, they're his priority<3 ahhh scar teasing grian about mumbo being worried about him while being totally oblivious to the fact that mumbo was worried about both of them . oh look, they went on another totally-not-da[GUNSHOT]

grian and mumbo heard scar mention dancing with someone else and they immediately had to know who it was, why did they dance together, what does scar mean by partner, they're not even trying to hide their jealousy lmaoo. AND YESS CUB MENTION CONVEX MENTION AHHHHH i love convex<33 i hope cub will make an appearance later :3 also i need to see scar dancing now . preferably with grian and mumbo<3

THE HAIR BRAIDING SCENE KILLED ME. IT'S SO CUTEEE AND SWEET AND GAY AND EVERYTHING I'VE WANTED AHHH<3 it made me so happy, i was smiling at my phone so hard when i was reading it :3 i just know grian has been wanting to braid scar's hair for ages. and scar let him and mumbo do it....... bc he trusts them and loves them..... AND IT MADE MUMBO REALIZE HE HAS FEELINGS FOR HIM . he took one look at scar and thought "oh shit, i might be in love with him", took a second look at scar and thought "oh shit, he might be in love with me too". and now he's thinking about how will grian react to this, little does he know grian has been a gay mess because of scar for the whole day and he's even ready for the proposal while they aren't even dating yet lmaoo<3 grian and mumbo are gonna have one hell of a talk soon huh . mumscarian will be real in 3 <333

OH AND ANOTHER UPDATE HAD DROPPED WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS (which has been a while, i'm very easily distracted lmao), I FEEL SPOILED . of course i had to go and read it and write a reaction to it too :3

OHH AND OF COURSE IT'S AMAZING. THE PROMISED GRIAN ANGST IS HERE . it's his time to suffer now huh. his poor wings:(( god but everything about this update was so fucking cool, i can't get over how good your writing is<3 the blood on the glyph, the fighting scenes, the feelings and angst and drama ahhh <33

scar and mumbo going to rescue grian and mumbo going completely feral<3333 i'm so obsessed with mumbo being Scary and Angry but still gentle with scar.... and scar is not afraid of him because he knows mumbo would never hurt him. someone kidnapped grian and mumbo will kill them when he finds them and he is seeing red right now but he will still touch scar gently,,,

doc my silly little guy<3 it's so sweet that grian really wanted to save him, i hope he will get lots of therapy now LMAO. especially after witnessing mumbo biting scar. yeah . definitely gonna need therapy after that

mumbo finally got to be a little feral and unhinged and violent<3 and got to kill people too<3 good for him tbh! AND OH MY GOD. THE FEEDING SCENE I'M SOOO NORMAL ABOUT IT (lying). scar had been fed on agaisnt his will recently and it was such a traumatic experience for him, but now mumbo is injured and needs his blood to heal and scar trusts him enough to let him feed on him ahhhh...... homoerotic blood drinking<3 mumbo bit him in the same place as blondie did and now his mark is there<33 grian was watching his boyfriend fangs deep in his best friend's neck and thought "that's so hot" lmaooo he's such a gay diseaster<3 they are all tbh .

mumbo feeling guilty about being in love with scar and being like oooh it would be so convenient if only grian was Also in love with scar. boy do i have some news for you...! he literally saw mumbo biting scar and was one gay thought away from making out with both of them right then and there

mumbo was close to talking to grian about his feelings for scar but of course he's not gonna do it yet, he's functional but not that functional! but i'm obsessed with mumbo confessing things that would make him despicable in the eyes of any other vampire to grian and grian just telling him that he loves him no matter what<33 god i love them so much<333

this took me so long to write . i started yesterday but i was too tired to finish and today i didn't have time until i got home from work and then a new update dropped . i don't think i've ever been this invested in a fanfic before, my autistic brain has decided that this is The Thing for me now and i'm very glad because i'm enjoying it a lot :3 oh and ive been struggling to send it too . so sorry if i ended up sending it ten times but tumblr keeps trying to stop me for some reason

<3 That real life thing is such a mood <3 In other news I was so focused on writing/posting Midnight Folly yesterday that I forgot to do my daily quests on Origin Realms and lost my 157 day streak </3 But I posted the entirety of Folly so it's okay <3 I can start over, not like having a 157 day streak actually did anything special <3

Scar has really gotten the short end of the stick of life </3 And I'm about to add on top of it, though this one finally isn't centered around the fact that he's dYING- But yeah <3 he can't even make Fairy Rings and it's so frustrating because he's honestly just really amazing with magic and the fact that he can't figure out something that comes so naturally to everyone else he grew up around is just hjkfdskl </3

:) He did start researching the Fairy rings before finding out Mumbo sees them as his Coven but it WAS after discovering they're targeting small Covens and he absolutely at the very least considered Grian and Mumbo their own small little Coven and he wants to protect them <3 he wouldn't even try if not for them <3 hhh

He is so gay and somehow takes a trip the da Nile river to spend all day there <3 hahahahaha <3

I was giggling like a MADMAN when I wrote that <3 so normal, so platonic, nothing wrong with this <3 Just BESTIES yeah totally <3 <3 YEAAHHHHH he looked at it like "oo" and then heard Elven Courting Gift and was like "aight mine now" LMAO OH? BIRD? WHO ELSE WOULD YOU FIX UP AN ELVEN HAIR/HEADPIECE FOR HUH? hahahaha <3 Oh yeah no everyone saw them together, they saw Grian come down out of the back of the shop where the stairs to the flat above are with messy hair and sleep-mussed clothes and went "aw our local Sorcerer got a boyfriend <3" and no one corrected them- I love how no one realizes that the Elven headpiece lore could also be used for angst reasons hehehehehehehe-

Heeee <3 I'm looking forward to finally getting it out in the open but we're not quite there yet <3 Not quite there <3 Scar really went "yeah from one palace child to another wtf?" and Grian just REALIZED-

Jellie deserves her own story tbh <3 Maybe I might make a little sidestory to post with a more serious story, just something to awe at before I make y'all cry <3 He ABSOLUTELY spoils her, that cat has him wrapped around her teeny tiny little claw <3

Yessss he must make certain that they are Safe <3 This man be thinking "PROTECT THEM they don't need protecting PROTECT THEM ANYWAY make sure they're sAFE THERE WAS AN EDGE TO HIS VOICE-" and still hasn't realized he's a frikkin Lord now smh Scar totally missing the fact that Mumbo was speaking in plurals <3 What a man, what a man <3 NO YOU'RE RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT-

Scar: I tried dancing alone and my partner- Grian & Mumbo: WHAT Scar: We were fourteen and bored at a big fancy party Grian & Mumbo: Acceptable

They were very openly jealous until the moment they realized it was a childhood memory and then they went "oh okay that's acceptable" lmao SO I GREATLY ENJOY CONVEX TOO but I am going to make you so sad with how the past!ConVex ended because it was not pretty <3 And is a huge source of a LOT of Scar's current issues with self-worth tbh <3 Cub is a good boi, best boi really, he did nothing wrong but oh my god did something happen </3 Bold of you to assume I haven't already written a dance scene <3

I LOVED WRITING IT AND JUXTAPOSING THE HAPPY CUTE PRESENT WITH THE TRAGIC PAST <3 Yessssss Scar hesitating for just a moment but his only reservation being "do you even know how to braid hair" AND THEN LETTING GRIAN BRAID HIS HAIR ANYWAY <3 and then giving Mumbo permission to also touch his hair <3 <3 <3 (and yes that little nod of consent specifically for Mumbo was really important for me to include <3) YEAHHH MUMBO REALIZING THROUGH THIS <3 Such a sweet little moment though Mumbo has a bit of an "oh shit" reaction to it because Grian is RIGHT THERE and oh gods he wants them both but he doesn't realize Grian is Very Gay for Scar too and just jkgfkds Mumbo worrying about how to approach this with Grian meanwhile Grian has essentially already done the equivalent of picking out a ring LMAO they have DEFINITELY gotta have a talk especially considering they gotta come to an agreement here, they gotta talk to Scar TOGETHER or else Scar ain't gonna listen to them </3

HAHAHA SURPRISE (but they do take a while to write, it takes me like an hour to respond tho that's my fault for listening to music, pausing to read messages, petting my pups and occasionally pausing to play MC which I forgot to do before going to sleep last night <3) I LOVE TO SPOIL MY BELOVED READERS AND ANONS <3

I HAVE DELIVERED UPON THE GRIAN ANGST + FERAL MUMBO + HOMOEROTIC VAMPIRE FEEDING ALL IN THE SAME FIC MWAHAA <3 Yeah god his wings :( Especially considering they're his main tool when he's fighting hjfdskj do you know how long it takes clipped wings to recover? This mans is GROUNDED. For MONTHS. Thank you so much aaaaa <3 And this won't be the last time we see blood magic hhhjfjdfgjkdhehehe <3

He might be half out of his mind but he is always aware of Grian and Scar <3 always <3 He will hold them gently and protect them and try his best to stop any pain even though his mind is racing a million thoughts a second <3 He will make them all pay <3

Grian saw Doc and saw a kindred spirit in him and probably saw a little but of Mumbo in him too </3 All the Vampires will get therapy and be put into good Covens to try and recover and Grian may or may not keep in contact with Doc after this and Doc may or may not join their Coven after being released from his rehabilitation hjfdks Doc saw Mumbo bite Scar and went "oh shit that's gay good for them oh shit he's glaring at me-" ahahaha <3

Mumbo deserves a little feral time and some righteous murder <3 And Grian deserves to silently cheer him on <3 HEEHEEHEEEEE do you know how I was cackling when I brought up the Fae blood thing and had Myrani/Blondie bite Scar, knowing damn well I was gonna write this fic not too long after <3 Scar, relatively recently being attacked, willingly offering to be bitten by Mumbo so he can heal <3 He wasn't expecting Mumbo to go for the neck but he wasn't struggling so it didn't hurt past the initial skin breakage and he may have enjoyed it a little too much and definitely wasn't gonna complain about being held like that by the guy he's been mad about for ages now hhhhh <3 Me, briefly mentioning how Mumbo hates that scar and wishes he could cover/get rid of it: I am gonna give the gays everything (me, I'm the gays) Grian, who is selfish greedy jealous and possessive, seeing his boyfriend pull his best friend into a very compromising position and biting into his neck instead of the offered arm: Holy shit yes- They are all such gay disasters and Mumbo was so close to being the only competent one smh

HAHAHA we can't make it THAT simple <3 but don't worry Mumscarian is coming soon I won't drag it out that long because I'm not that patient, just got a couple more stories to get through before we get the good <3 BUT YEAH HAHA Mumbo being like "ah if only Grian loved Scar and Scar loved Grian this would be amazing and so much easier" MEANWHILE Grian and Scar spend SEVEN HOURS OUT TOGETHER and buy fuckin ELVEN COURTING JEWELRY and Grian not only LETS Scar let Mumbo feed on him BUT IS PLEASED BY THE FACT THAT MUMBO BIT HIS NECK, OVER BLONDIE'S BITE, and satisfied that he REPLACED Blondie's mark on Scar and hjfdsjfds

Yes <3 Mumbo doesn't know how to say it yet <3 He'll figure it out, tho. He'll figure out eventually that they're all basically already dating and they're the last three to know lmao <3 <3 YEAH Mumbo confessing the real reason he doesn't interact with other Vampires <3 And the reveal he's not nearly as petty as everyone thinks, the ties are just a way for him to always remind Cleo of their conversation and how their (past) beliefs have affected victimized Turned everywhere hjgdjskfds (not that he went THAT into detail about it but it's what was implied by "it was never about the tie" and that Cleo is a good Lord who just doesn't/didn't understand jkgfld) And Grian loving him anyway <3 (and knowing that Scar knows all this too, and that he also loves Mumbo anyway <3) Promising to stay by his side always and assuring him that what he did was within his rights <3 hhhhh <3

That's such a mood <3 Hahaha and the new update was four whole chapters I don't know whether to say I'm sorry or you're welcome <3 HHHH Thank you so much <3 it's been a long long long time since I've been this invested in writing (depression and adulting is a bitch <3) so I'm so happy you're taking this journey with me <3 Thank you so very much <3 No worries, it only sent it once! Tumblr sometimes is just Like That <3

[cherryboyriotofficial]

Fuck it, HENTAI OPINIONS! ⚠nsfwwarning⚠

Look, it's a bit taboo but we're all human. Don't act like you've never gotten down and dirty and typed in a 6 digit code, or grabbed the remote and got down to business right in the family living room.( you're quite fucking brave if that's the case) It doesn't matter, we've all got our preferences and major dislikes. Even with our p0rn, what can I say? humans judge, and we're all human. *I think*

I'm picky with my material, and this is also coming from a former Doujjin artist.So I'm gonna start off with what's first on the notebook in front of me:

1. Elf girls,

Ah, elves. theyre made in all different colors,shapes, and sizes. they have two nice long pointy ears and- that's about it. Yeah there's not too much to this genre, quite limited. I mean sure she's got tits, ass, maybe a lil sass and she's about to go down on you. But what makes her special? The EARS? It's a nice touch, but doesn't give you much to work with other than the tits, ass, and sass. I'd give it a solid 6/10 for a rating🍞

2.Succubus

Set the scene: You're in your parents basement like the sad degenerate you are, you decide-

"Hey, let's summon a demon! "or some stupid shit like that,

You gather your supplies and yadayadayadayada- you get the deal, and-BOOM!!! Hot demon chick that is here to feed off of your soul, by absolutely DESTROYING your dong. Theyre just there to use you, but that's what you want! It's just "MILK ME DRY! " at this point. I do see the appeal to this. Kind of hentai, there aren't too many limitations unless she's a loli... then.. you're very uhhh.. Special..

9/10 for the rating

3.Nakadashi

Just in case you don't know, Nakadashi means creampie- ANYWAY!!!! And if you don't know what cream pie or getting creampied is, why the fuck are you reading this?!?! Go do your homework, you uneducated 4th grader! But back on the topic, in my earlier days of exploring the world of hentai I was most Commonly met with Nakadashi. Lemme just say, it looks... messy. The idea of filling someone or getting filled with their lewd fluids is somewhat appealing, just not when it looks like cheese on a Papa Murphy's pizza. So its more about the way the uh- "cream" in the creampie is drawn/animated, Also the sex is unprotected ( but I doubt any of you reading this will be getting laid any time soon) 6/10 for the rating

4. Ugly bastard

Oh look, its a greasy, smelly, and very old man walking down the street. He's monologing about how he's gonna get laid.. By a pretty, sweet YOUNG GIRL! Tell me.. Who in there right mind would bust a fat NUT watching a sweaty pig stick his fat lil pork shlong in a young pretty girl??? WHO IS PROBABLY FUCKING HIM AGAINST HER WILL! That's the other thing, its always the violation and then he leaves her dripping in his nasty seed. I try my best to separate the "kink" from the individual who has it, we don't kink shame around here. If you like the ugly bastard tag, then cool. I just think it's gross, but I don't think YOU are gross.I'm just confused as to WHY, just WHY?!?- 2/10.

5.Futanari

HOO BOY! Did your parents tell you that you're a gaymo if you want a lil meat-in-the-rear? Well guess what DAD? Ive got a CHICK with a DICK- Yup. You read that right, "CHICKS WITH DICKS" it's actually the most heterosexual thing known in hentai history. If the meat wasn't going in YOUR arse it be going in a GIRLS arse, and that's pretty gay. So if SHE'S got the meat and it goes in YOU, than it's still straight. This is also great if you've got a thing for dominate women in the bedroom or "dommy mommys" since she's on top. So if you're into tickling your prostate with some of that chick dong( like me) then FUTANARI IS YO THANG!!! 10/10 For my TOTALLY unbiased rating.

There's a lot to unpack here, so I'll make a part 2 when I get the time, meanwhile you should try getting some bitches or eat a ketchup cheese and butter sandwich. Whatever works for you!

P. S. Enjoy your sandwich 😏🍞

[13uswntimagines]

Her Mess (Christen x Reader)

Request: Christen x reader where reader is younger and in college and reader meets the team

It was safe to say that you had always been a bit of a mess. You would argue that you were an organized mess, but Christen would disagree. If the gay mess you turned into the first time Mal had ever introduced you to her was anything to go off of. Yes, you were a mess, but you were her mess, and she took great joy in helping to keep you on track. 

From the very beginning, she had helped you with your schedule. Made sure you ate and gave yourself time for studying and soccer. She never overstepped, she was your girlfriend not your mother after all, but she was definitely the organized one in your relationship. 

It was why the prospect of traveling without her was incredibly daunting. She was already at camp with the rest of the national team (who you would be meeting for the first time) and you would be meeting them there with Mal after the two of you finished finals. To say you were nervous was an understatement. It was your first call up, and though your girlfriend and best friend had assured you it would be fine, you weren’t so sure. You had quadruple checked the list of things Christen and you had made, but even as you left the plane you were sure you had left something important. You were going to meet the team and you didn’t know if you were supposed to be meeting Christen too, or if you two were going, to be honest. 

You sighed, running your hand through your messy hair, before slipping your beanie back on. Your knee jumped up and down impatiently, and you bit your lip. You didn’t like waiting. Why did this car ride have to be so long?

“Do I need to call Mama Press or are you going to chill out on your own?” Mal said finally, her hand coming down to still your leg. You grinned sheepishly at her. 

“I just-... What if they don’t like me, and what if they’re weirded out by the age difference?” You rambled, your fingers tapping on the car window. 

“You’re like the funniest person I know. The team is going to love you! And I’ll be honest, It was a little weird at first for the person who was like my sister to be dating someone who was basically my mom. But after watching you two together, it’s obvious that you were made for each other,” Mal said softly, her hand running soothing circles on your thigh. You frowned. 

“What if she doesn’t want to tell them that she’s dating me because she’s ashamed of the age difference?” You asked softly, staring intently at your lap. Sure, Mal was cool with the age difference now, and so we’re your parents, but you knew that there were a lot of people out there who weren’t. Plus Christen was the Christen Press, and you were just a disorganized rookie. 

Gentle fingers tilted your chin up, and your Y/e/c met Mal’s brown.“Christen is a lot of things. I don’t think ashamed is one of them,” 

You nodded, returning your attention to the city passing by. You loved Christen, and you hoped that Mal was right. 

******

Most people would hate getting off a plane and stepping directly into practice, but you were grateful for it. The field was your happy place, a place you didn’t have to think about all the what-ifs. A place where you could simply showcase your skills. 

By the time you and Mal made it to the locker room, it was nearly empty. (Barring your girlfriend, who had stayed back to give you a tight hug and kiss, and Tobin who just sent you a small smile). 

“You ready for this cutie?” Your girlfriend asked, settling down on the bench beside you, nudging you with her shoulder, and placing a kiss on your pink cheeks. 

You stuck your tongue out at Mal who made a gagging sound. 

“I think so,” You shrugged, rooting through your bag to find the last items of your gear, things you were sure you had put in this morning. Your eyebrows furrowed as you shoved your shin guards aside in search of your socks. 

“Is it true you have the sprint record for UCLA?” Tobin nudged your other side. You nodded, not taking your eyes off of the contents of your bag. Had you been paying more attention, you probably would have freaked out that the Tobin Heath knew who you were. 

“Don’t forget the juggling record either,” Mal added, smiling. You had quite the reputation for putting defenders on their asses, and it was going to be entertaining watching you work your magic with the national team. 

“Damn,” Tobin mumbled wide eyes. She was going to have to call dibs on you for the scrimmage. You barely spared her a glance, groaning as you continued to dig for an item you were beginning to fear wasn’t in your bag. You took a deep breath, trying not to panic. Of course you had forgotten something important on your first camp with the national team.

Christen rubbed your back, her head tilting to the side as you ignored one of your heroes (your hero being her best friend was something she found immensely entertaining), her hand coming up to rub your back. “What are you looking for my darling,” 

“I forgot my socks,” you huffed, shoving your bag to the floor pouting. Christen’s lips ticked up slightly as she leaned in to kiss your pink cheeks. 

“That’s alright. I have an extra pair for you in my bag,” 

Your blush deepened as you took the extra pair, slipping them on your feet. You nodded in thanks, she simply winked in return. She knew you’d forget something. You always did. 

******

Meeting the team was an… experience. Kelley had immediately jumped on top of you, squealing about a new baby to corrupt before she was pulled off by Alex. Ashlyn and Ali had argued with Becky and Alyssa about who was going to be your team moms. The youngins had bombarded you with so many questions that it felt like your head was spinning. But through it, all Christen’s hand remained firmly in yours. 

Standing in line, waiting for the forward vs defender drill to begin was a surreal experience for you. You watched with a keen eye as Mal went first and nearly navigated the ball past Becky. You kissed Christen’s cheek before she went and cleanly got past Kelley. Tobin took the next spot, pulling a clean nutmeg off on Abby. You were going to have to one-up her. 

You took a deep breath, trying to settle your nerves, waiting to see which defender you would be up against. 

“You good kid?” Megan asked, bumping your shoulder with her. You blinked, fighting the urge to squeal that The Megan Rapino was talking to you. 

“Hm, excited!” You smiled, biting your lip as Sonnett took her place at the front of her line. Sonnett was good, but you were better and your desire to make a good first impression meant that you were really going to have to put on a show. There would be no better partner for the dance you had planned. 

“Think you can best Sonnett?” Carli smirked, tapping you the ball. 

“Definitely. Cant let a Cavalier get one over on me,” You winked, beginning to juggle the ball. Yeah, this was going to be fun. 

******

“Holy shit, how are you so fast,” Emily panted, catching up to you after you’d made another shot at an unsuspecting Alyssa Naeher. It speared just past her fingertips, making the goal rattle as it made contact with the net. 

“I ate lots of fudge striped cookies when I was younger,” You nodded, wiping the sweat from your forehead and heading towards the sidelines for your water break. From the time you were little you had believed wholeheartedly that the cookies made you run faster. 

“Fudge stripped what?” Emily asked, her eyebrows furrowing beside you. 

“Made by the Keebler elves. They’re magic,” You shrugged, glancing around for the greenbottle with your name on it, entirely unaware of the odd looks the team was giving you and the loving smile your girlfriend was sporting. “Where did I put my bottle?” 

“It’s over-“ Mal started, only to be cut off by Christen’s elbow being lodged in her ribs. 

“Take mine babe,” She laughed, passing you her bottle. You nodded in thanks, squirting the liquid into your mouth. What would you do without her? Mal smirked over your head at the green-eyed forward. Maybe part of your forgetfulness was her love of coming to your rescue. 

“Sick ball skills Ducky,” Tobin clapped you in the back. 

“Thanks!” You squeaked, the stream of water missing your mouth and spraying Christen in the chest. “Oops,” You giggled. 

“If you want me to kiss you, you did it have to get me all wet, you could just ask,” She winked and you felt heat wash over your cheeks, all your previous confidence evaporating. 

 Mal covered her ears and shook her head fast. “Please don’t answer that with the comeback you’re thinking of,”. You smirked, shaking your head. You wouldn’t force her to bear her best friend and her team mom flirting. 

“Hmm, I love your kisses,” 

Christen giggled, wrapping her arms around your waist, and pulling you into a quick kiss. You pulled away when the team wolf-whistled, burying your face in your girlfriend's chest. 

“Told you she wasn’t embarrassed,” Mal said, patting your back. 

“Yeah, how could she when you put everyone on their ass,” Sonnett cackled. Your groan was muffled by your girlfriend's soft skin. Her fingers found their way under your chin, coaxing you out of your favorite hiding place. You Y/e/c eyes met her green ones. 

“You thought I was embarrassed?” She asked softly, and you gave her a slight nod. How couldn’t she be? She was the Christen Press and you were just a bumbling college student who would lose her head if it wasn’t attached to her body. 

“You’re you, and you have everything together, and I’m me and I forget everything,” You mumbled, shrugging. 

“Well, I love you, even when you forget stuff. Plus, You look really cute in my clothes,” She kissed your nose and your cheeks before landing on your lips. You smiled into the kiss, enjoying the way her soft lips felt against yours. 

It didn’t matter that you were younger. You would prove yourself to be an asset to the team and Christen loved you. 

“Did they forget we’re here?” Emily’s whisper read followed by a slapping sound and Lindsey’s voice. 

“Way to ruin a moment Sonnett,” 

Yes. You were a mess, but you were Christen’s mess and you’d fit right in. 

[hms-tardimpala]

I caught myself spewing some internalized homophobia today.

I was telling my mother about the Interview With the Vampire show, and when she expressed interest for it because she'd loved the 1994 movie, I hesitated and said:

'Uhh, I don't know if Dad and you are quite the audience for it, Mom.' Her: 'Oh, why?' Me: 'It's very gay.' Her: 'Gay as in happy or..?' Me: 'The kind of gay I like, Mom.'

She told me the movie was pretty gay too, and I told her it was more graphic in the series (I was seeing Lestat's levitating ass in my mind's eye). Then I left it at that.

But later, I thought about it. How many shows, movies, and books have I put myself through or enjoyed which contained no queer representation and/or had heterosexual sex scenes and romances? Why did I sponteanously believe my parents wouldn't be able to enjoy or even watch a show centered around a queer relationship, with gay sex scenes? They're adults, after all. I've watched media with sex scenes with them, and they've never been bothered by it. Why would it be different if the sex and relationship portrayed happened not to be straight? Do I think homosexuality and heterosexuality are different things, that one is palatable and the other not?

Apparently, deep down, I do.

In addition, it seems I don't give my parents any credit and am actually infantilizing them and insulting their intelligence by deciding what they can and can't see. When my parents are maybe the most open-minded and un-homophobic fifty-year olds I know. I didn't even think I could have internalized homophobia, because I was raised by these people, who have never expressed any hatred, disgust, or prejudice at queerness. Who love me, their bisexual trans child. My mother, who loved watching Black Sails with me. My father, who had homosexual experiences as a young man he doesn't seem to regret (or he wouldn't have told me about that).

I was the homophobic one, shielding them from queer content not to shock them, telling myself 'They won't be into it like I am, so why bother?' And that's a sure way to make queer representation fail: closeting it inside the community, away from the cis-straights. But they're clever people, and I'm sure they can appreciate a good show and get invested in a good story, a good sexy romance, even if it differs from their life experience. If they can relate to vikings, pirates, elves and whatnot, are gay people so removed from them?

So I called my mother back, and I explained how wrong I was, I told her exactly why that kind of thinking is bad and insidious. I made sure she understood. I told her how stupid and ridiculous I had been, so much that she stopped me and said 'Hey, you're my baby, you're not ridiculous'.

So my final point is that we queer people are allowed to be wrong and to mess up. I've been out as bisexual for ten years, and as trans for ten to two years depending on who you ask in my circle. And I'm visibly not free from prejudice and internalized homophobia. This decade didn't make me a beacon of queer truth. Nobody is.

But I'm so glad I caught myself thinking that and corrected it, because I've learned some things tonight. I'm better than I was a few hours ago, and so is my mother. Cheers!

[aesudan-kholin]

Elhokar (I have no idea who he is) for the send me a character post

preamble for you who is my Lazytown mutual (a brief introduction to Elhokar Kholin):

- Stormlight Archive is a fantasy series but there are no elves or conventional wizards or other things you typically associate with fantasy as a genre, the magic system is hard meaning it is based off a firm set of rules. the books are very long but i love them more than anything. it is extremely well written and detailed

- Alethkar is where Elhokar is from. he is the king of Alethkar which is a country in Roshar (the continent). Alethkar is kind of based of medieval mongolia but theres lots of differences but like technology era thats where they are

- Elhokar is a shit-ass king in a Warren G Harding sort of way which is to say lots of people think he's a nice guy at a personal level but he's stupid as hell and ends up surrounding himself with corrupt people who use him to change legislation and other various abuses of power and he is just not good at understanding for himself what is a Good thing and what is a Bad thing and ends up doing plenty of bad things sometimes feeling its bad but doing it anyway

- Elhokar is extremely paranoid of assassins and the anxiety can get in the way of a lot of things, but other times he is very reckless in making decisions and that blows up in his face a lot too

- he's. i don't know if he's a good or a bad person i've tried to figure it out but i haven't yet. stormlight archive is a book full of morally grey characters and he's not outstandingly bad or good in comparison he's just sort of there

- In My Brain like i could pull evidence from the books and try and make a case for it but In My Brain he is gay and also has some gender stuff going on

First impression - i hated him. this does not really mean much though because i hated everyone when i first read the way of kings (first book of series). i made a deal with my brother that he would learn aleinn um jolin on the piano (which he DIDN'T btw) if i read the first book of his favorite book series and i was like jesus fuck this book is long ugh better start chugging through it. i didn't think i liked reading or fantasy or long books and it took me until about halfway through to stop hating it and start reading it for the sake of reading it. but until then i hated Everyone in the books except kaladin because i felt really bad for him. after i slipped the slide from being begrudgingly hooked to liking it to being obsessed i didnt care about elhokar very much for the first readthrough. i was played like the first reader fiddle. i was mad at him when i was supposed to be mad and i was happy and sad when i was supposed to be those things. nothing special going on there

Impression now - this man is my science project my research project my test subject i think about him every day and night and his oddities. i talk about him very often. he is very fun to play around with so i do. he did good things he did bad things but he was cut off before his trajectory could continue and so i like wondering about the parts we didnt get to see, the before, the after, the in betweens even since he never had a POV.

Favorite moment - So many things I could go for here. if we're talking sheer amount of time talking about one event, its the words of radiance sanderlanche aka wor 80 and 82, for various reasons that are due to it being HILARIOUS and it also being a REALLY important turning point for his character. i also talk about him getting transgenderized in ob 61 a lot too because well im just very glad it happened like there was absolutely no reason for it to and yet it did so I'll Take It. there are a lot of elhokar moments i like though

Idea for a story - one that's been rattling around my brain for months that i never wrote was The Adventures of Lalai the Scribe, which basically lalai is elhokar's scribe and every chapter would be her dealing with having to scribe some stupid ass thing elhokar wants written down it would be very non serious and stupid and just fun then later it deals with how she got fired after the way of kings and what she does after

Unpopular opinion - i don't know what you people believe about elhokar so i don't know whats unpopular or not large scale trust me i've tried to figure out the fandom views as well but for the most part its just a lot of either pointing out obvious stuff or making a theory or interpretation that can be disproved with quotes from the book and most things that are not that are like sure ok i suppose. im gonna disagree with the part of the fandom who are elhokar apologists and also the way the book frames him and his actions as in no way being his fault. the books also do a weird amount of making comparisons of him to a "child" or a "boy" and i think that rubbed off on some people so im also gonna say elhokar is not your """"baby"""" or your """"son"""" or whatever he is a 27 year old man stop being weird about him (though on this platform at least it seems to have died down which is good). im also going to disagree with people who say he's irredeemable and terrible and no good evil etc etc IF they are not like this about every person who is as bad or worse than him. YES he killed 2 innocent people. but if you're chill with dalinar then i dont want to hear it. if you're chill with raboniel i don't want to hear it. if you're making a fuss about elhokar but are a okay with navani then you're not doing it because he's a bad person you're doing it because you don't like him. which you're allowed to do!!! but let's not pretend you're making an argument from a moral basis when its clearly from a personal opinion on his personality just admit you're dunking on him because you don't like him and not because he's exceptionally terrible. so that's 2 based on what i've seen from #elhokar apologists and #elhokar haters

Favorite relationship - all his relationships are interesting and i like analyzing them all but the one that easily gives me the most entertainment is his relationship with kaladin. they are so weird. i can't stop staring at it.

Favorite headcanon - other than the sexuality and gender ones uhhh see this is hard because the line between headcanon and how-i-interpret-the-text can be thin but for something i have no proof for he draws and/or has drawn in his spare time in secret i mean i guess i could pull one piece of evidence for that but i think it still counts as a hc

[bard-llama]

WiP Wednesday: rorveth + isendain + throne3 snips!

Y’all, I have been up since 5:30am and somehow still have not accomplished a damn thing today. But I HAVE played an awful lot of Sims Medieval and I’m having fun! So far I’ve made Lyria and Rivia with Meve as the monarch and the Free Pontar Valley with Saskia as monarch and Philippa as wizard. Also, they gay.

Anyway, here’s a bit from the next chapter of To Claim You As My Own. Warnings for seriously dubious consent in the premise (Roche is captured by the Scoia’tael) and straightforward discussion of sex and sexual assault.

Iorveth/Vernon Roche:

“I’m not your therapist,” Roche pointed out, “and you should definitely have one. But I can tell you that snapping at him and humiliating him is not gonna help things.”

Eldain’s snarl made Roche question if the no-torture thing would stay true – but then Eldain slumped back down. “Fuck,” the elf grunted. “I really fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you’re gonna have to apologize like, real well. Time to break out the flowers and jewelry and shit.”

Eldain stared up at him in bafflement – what, did elves not apologize for fuck ups the same way? – and then seemed to notice the state of him.

“Wow, you are disgusting! Is that smell you!?”

Roche scowled. “Considering I’m your captive, how I smell is rather your fault.”

“Huh. Yeah, I guess it is. Well, this is my tent now, and I absolutely cannot have a stinky tentpole captive in the middle of my tent. So we’ll just have to fix that.”

Blinking, Roche’s brow furrowed. Was Eldain kicking him out of his own prison cell? 

Instead, Eldain leaned out of the tent and flagged someone down to call for a bath. Like, an actual bath with a tub and everything. Roche blinked.

Was he going to do something like bathe himself in front of Roche but not actually let Roche be clean? As torture methods go, it would be untraditional, but mental manipulation did play a large role in torture.

Only instead of rolling a basin into the tent, Eldain began to pick the knots on his bindings. Did that mean he was getting kicked out? What the fuck?

Eldain kept his wrists bound behind him and walked him outside the tent – where numerous elves were pouring buckets of water into a massive tub.

“Uh?”

“What, humans don’t do communal bathing?” Eldain asked in amusement, stopping them next to the tub. “Here’s how this is gonna work. I will untie your wrists so you can wash yourself, ‘cause uh, gross, but I’m tying your ankles, plus you’re surrounded by Scoia’tael, so like, don’t even try it. Do not make me have to tell Iorveth that his dh’oine was stupidly killed trying to run away.”

Roche opened his mouth, blinked, then closed it as he realized he had no idea what to say. 

Eldain didn’t appear to expect an answer, because the elf untied his wrists – and gods, that was a relief, they’d been tied too tight – and wrapped the rope around his ankles. Then Eldain handed him some soap and a bucket and flourished his hand to indicate that Roche should go ahead.

Clearing his throat as Eldain stepped back, Roche awkwardly attempted to clean himself of all the evidence of how he’d been used and how he’d liked it. He grit his teeth, breathing deeply, and pretended that he was working in his mom’s brothel, a weekend shift to take over for someone like he often did. Yeah, he’d had sex. Yes, he was covered in evidence of it. No, it was no longer hot and now just annoying and crusty and he scrubbed hard to remove it.

The other Scoia’tael elves were definitely looking at him – curious, perhaps? Or plotting his death? – but there was nothing Roche could do about that, so he pretended they were just other patrons at the Clarabelle. It was at least enough to keep his blush limited to his face.

Then he was done and he poured the bucket over his head, rinsing off. He looked back to Eldain. “So… how exactly do I get in the tub with bound ankles?”

Eldain’s smirk did not bode well for him and he held out his arms uselessly.

“No, wait–” 

Eldain grabbed him, hauled him up overhead, and then dropped him directly into the tub. It wasn’t really that deep, but Roche still flailed as he struggled to surface. Finally, he was tossing back wet hair and sputtering, just to find Eldain laughing his ass off.

Roche narrowed his eyes. It wasn’t the mean kind of laughter Eldain had given before when insulting Isengrim, so he wasn’t actually that bothered by it, but he did think it was only fair if he got to retaliate.

He moved to the edge of the bath as Eldain kept laughing and it was honestly far too easy to pick him up and pull him into the tub by his tunic.

Eldain splashed around a lot more than Roche had, and when he surfaced, he slowly spit the water out of his mouth through frowning lips. “This tunic was new,” he whined, face downcast.

Roche rolled his eyes. “Meaning newly salvaged from the corpse of whatever poor sod wandered into your forest?”

“Sometimes they come from corpses that you put there,” an elf nearby murmured, glaring at Roche. And that hit Roche… weirdly hard, considering he was just a soldier doing his job. 

But he didn’t have time to dwell on it, because his and Eldain’s presence in the bath apparently signalled that it was Time to Bathe and a number of elves hopped into the tub next to them. Roche stiffened, but they mostly seemed occupied with settling in the tub or chatting with each other. 

Eldain wiggled out of wet clothes and threw them over the rim to deal with later, then settled next to Roche. Which meant that Roche was sitting naked in a bathtub along with 10 other entirely nude elves. And a lot of them kept glancing at him. Some were definitely angry, but others were… curious?

He swallowed hard, trying to keep himself from staring at all the elves around him. But they were just so unreasonably beautiful, so instead, he made himself look too closely, until he could notice the flaws. 

Every single elf here had at least one scar that he could see. Every single one. He gulped again.

One elf noticed him staring at a healed gash in their shoulder and bared their teeth at him. “Recognize it? I was the one that got lucky. You didn’t kill me. My entire squad, on the other hand…” 

They growled and Roche wondered how he was supposed to fight with his ankles bound in a bathtub filled with elves.

“Enough,” Eldain snapped, and where his voice had been whiny and amicable before, it was now stern and commanding, reminding Roche that the elf beside him was a commander, an equal to Iorveth. And Eldain’s reputation was even worse than Iorveth’s.

Several elves huffed in irritation, but they did turn away from him. Since they were mostly gathered on the far side of the tub, Roche didn’t really care. But the ones near him still kept staring.

“What?” he demanded when a dark skinned elf with her hair in pompoms continued to stare.

Her lips twisted. “I’m just wondering – how do you know how to make someone come so hard they scream like a siren?”

Next to him, Eldain choked, flushing, but he just blinked at her. “The same way anyone else does?” he answered hesitantly. 

Blank faces answered him, and for the first time in his captivity, he worried for the wellbeing of these elves. He took a deep breath, “okay, so first thing is erogenous zones.” He launched into the kind of lecture he’d often had to give young men whose groomsmen had brought to a brothel to ‘get rid of that pesky virginity’. 

The good ones just wanted to know how to make their soon-to-be spouse feel good.

It happened often enough that Roche had multiple versions of the speech – the three minute version, the ten minute, the half hour version, even one that was an hour long. He picked and chose which parts of the speech to include based on the knowledge and availability of his audience.

This audience? Very minimal prior knowledge, even about themselves. It was honestly kind of sad.

He was just in the middle of explaining how a soft touch to the back of the neck could make an elf melt into a puddle when he noticed Iorveth standing a few paces away gaping at him. 

“Are you teaching my men how to have sex!?” Iorveth’s voice was incredulous and high pitched and Roche kind of reveled in having garnered such a response.

“Well, nobody else has,” he shrugged, keeping his eyes on Iorveth even as his previously captive audience blushed and ducked down. “There’s only two ways to learn: experience, and being taught. And obviously experience is more fun, but it’s much better if you’ve been taught some stuff to bring to the experience.” 

He wasn’t sure if his words actually reassured any of them, because he couldn’t take his eyes off of Iorveth. Iorveth stared back at him with just as much intensity and he could feel his breath starting to come faster.

Isengrim/Eldain:

Okay, this WiP is actually part of the Love Breeds Love ‘verse, but it’s kind of concurrent with the rorveth plot of that. The two storylines will meet eventually and work out some of their trauma and issues, but we’re a ways away from that. ‘cause the FIRST thing that has to happen is the breeding lol. If pregnancy squicks you out, this is NOT the series for you. Seriously.

Anyway, this bit is after Isengrim and Eldain have partnered up for this “let’s get pregnant and save our species” event and after chatting for a bit, Eldain invited Isengrim up to his room to ‘hear him play’. 😉

As the last notes rang out, Isengrim’s eyes met his and Eldain found himself strangely breathless. 

“You’re very good,” Isengrim intoned and Eldain smiled on instinct. 

“I am,” he agreed with a wink. “Thank you.”

Isengrim was very close to him and Eldain found that all he could focus on was the slight distance between them. Then Isengrim licked his lips, and Eldain’s eyes snapped back to Isengrim’s face.

“We’re expected to have sex later,” Isengrim murmured, voice deep and washing over Eldain like a warm fire. 

He hummed in acknowledgement, eyes half-lidded.

Staring into his eyes, Isengrim stepped even closer and said, “we could get a head start.”

“For practice,” Eldain nodded, tilting his head back and licking his own lips.

“Exactly,” Isengrim’s whisper fluttered over his mouth just before Isengrim kissed him, and Eldain melted into the meeting of their lips, so soft and sweet and hungry.

Eventually, the pulled apart and Eldain shivered when Isengrim growled, “put your lute away.”

Later, he would think about how Isengrim must really have understood musicians, because as much as he wanted Isengrim to jump him, he absolutely would not be okay with his lute getting damaged, no matter what his horny brain said. But in the moment, he was mostly just desperate to touch, so he set the lute aside and seized Isengrim’s face, drawing him into another kiss.

Isengrim sighed into the kiss, guiding them to shuffle back into the bed until the mattress was against the back of Eldain’s knees and he had to either sit down or fall down. Instead of climbing into his lap like he’d half been hoping, Isengrim dropped to his knees and dragged Eldain’s hips closer to the edge of the bed, pressing his face into Eldain’s crotch.

“Fuck,” Eldain whispered shakily. “Oh, fuck, please!”

Given permission, Isengrim’s fingers were quick to undo his belt and tear down his trousers, letting them tangle around his knees. Then Isengrim pulled his hips closer again and glanced up at him before licking across his already-wet folds. Eldain shivered, hand reaching out to stroke through Isengrim’s hair, pushing long strands behind one ear and tweaking it.

Isengrim’s body twitched, but he was not distracted from his quest, exploring what kinds of sounds he could pull from Eldain’s throat and what sorts of movements made Eldain jerk and what made him gasp and what made him scream. 

Some time later, he felt dazed and hazy, body humming with pleasure and delight. “Fucking hell,” he muttered, reaching out to tangle his hands in Isengrim’s hair again. “Yeah, somehow I really don’t think we’ll have a problem later.”

Isengrim laughed, mouthing across Eldain’s chest. “No?”

Eldain huffed a laugh. “How is it no one every mentioned that the Iron Wolf is a fucking god in bed?”

Isengrim stiffened, not responding, and Eldain belatedly recalled that Isengrim… didn’t particularly seem to like his moniker.

“Sorry,” Eldain said softly, stroking through Isengrim’s hair. “I’m just a little surprised that the gossipmongers never got ahold of that one.” He tugged on Isengrim’s hair until Isengrim rose enough for Eldain to kiss him. “God knows after the one fucking time my people overheard me, they never stopped bringing it up.”

Snorting, Isengrim relaxed slightly. Eldain wagered he could get him to relax a lot more.

Meve/Reynard/Gascon

Ugh, I have so many WiPs for these 3 and yet, nothing finished. 😭😭😭 But amongst my list of WiPs is one that’s actually more Reynard/Gascon without Meve in the equation (sorta) and it was started for the @witcherkinktober‘s prompts “Dacryphilia | Dirty Talk | Sounding”. No actual porn here, but much discussion of it XD

General Reynard Odo regarded his strict self control with pride. Gascon, on the other hand, took just as much pride in attempting to poke through that control until Reynard blew up. Until recently, Gascon had assumed Reynard half-hated him for that, but someone – probably Meve – seemed to have let Reynard in on the idea of antagonistic flirting. 

Next thing Gascon knew, Reynard was backing him up into the wall and kissing him fiercely. Since then, Gascon had gained a delightfully well-rounded education on all possible permutations on how a stern general and a bratty bandit could fit together. And he loved getting wrecked by his silver fox of a general, he really did. But it would be nice if, on occasion, he could see Reynard lose control.

In retrospect, Meve was probably just sick of their shit, because she was the one who drove Reynard to act – and now it was Gascon’s turn.

“You called for me, Your Majesty?” Gascon announced his presence, pointedly not bowing. 

Meve turned to face him, tapping her fingertips together. “How old are you?”

Gascon blinked. “Why?”

The way she looked him over was assessing, but her narrowed eyes showed that it was not his appeal that she was measuring. “Reynard,” she said eventually, just as he was starting to get antsy.

“Uh… yeah? What about him?”

“You want to see him fall apart,” she said bluntly and Gascon’s face flushed bright red.

“Uh, I mean–” he cleared his throat, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

Meve cut him of, clearly impatient with his embarrassment. “Reynard would never say it, but he wants that too.”

Taken aback, Gascon inhaled sharply, wondering if he could truly trust in those words. It seemed far too convenient for Reynard to wish to give up control to someone like him. 

“So,” she continued, “I am going to tell you what you need to know.”

Glancing around and half expecting this to be a joke, Gascon arched an eyebrow. “And what’s that?”

“Sounding drives him wild. Every time, guaranteed.”

Gascon’s forehead creased. Sounding? What that some musical thing? “What is sounding?”

Meve sighed, lips pressed together. “I suspected as much,” she muttered to herself. “Perhaps we should start with what experience you do have.”

“I – what?”

“Sex,” Meve grunted, blunt and factual, “I’m talking about sex.”

Swallowing hard, Gascon really, really hoped that none of her guards could hear them. “It – you – why!?”

Meve rolled her eyes, apparently entirely comfortable with this conversation. She was very much alone in that, because Gascon had never been more uncomfortable. The queen was giving him sexual advice to fuck her top general. There had to be a catch. As far as he could tell, she didn’t even like him terribly much. She tolerated him because she had to, because without him, she had about two dozen men and absolutely no chance at all of reclaiming Lyria. So why would she give him advice to bag her second in command?

“For reasons that escape me, Reynard adores you.” She ignored Gascon’s surprised squeak. “Which is fine, except that you’ve got him lovestruck and distracted and frankly, I need my general at his sharpest. So fix it.”

Bewildered, Gascon sputtered wordlessly for several moments. “Fix what!?”

Her sigh was clearly disappointed and his gut clenched at the idea of disappointing her. “Fix him. Right now, you drive him to distraction. So I’m officially ordering you – go drive him out of his mind and give him everything he needs to be able to think straight again.”

Gascon’s jaw dropped. “You – are you serious!?”

Meve’s look was dripping with judgement. “Believe me, if I ever joke, you will know it.”

[burningthemidnightcityoil]

THE USUAL SUSPECTS

Eeyup. More Problem Sleuth.

This time isn’t so much as dissecting every little thing that pops out of that comic; I’m gonna break down the characters.

So let’s start.

PROBLEM SLEUTH

Rude; He even has a Meter telling him that his Politeness sucks.

His main stat is basically Charisma, but he is an impolite asshole apparently. But his “Diplomacy” is just him pulling out a can of kick ass. His first outing as actually being a Diplomat... and he cheats..

All, but one, of his Alter Egos is Female. Take that as you will.

And his God Ego is apparently a Goddess of Prostitution.

His favored candy is Candy Corn. Which has inspired many toward favoring the ill-gotten Halloween snack.

His Halloween special is basically him as a Vampire, with High Speed. I suppose he subscribes to the Sexy Vampire trope gig, cos actual Dracula does not have Charisma.

Good with one-liners and puns; though as we see with Frankenstein PI, it falls short at times.

Characteristically, he’s more related to Weasels; but he aligned himself with Elves and never shifted back.

He likes Knives

He gathered his team up by acting like a fool and swearing at them... and it worked.

His natural association with Angels or Angelic Beings, sexy bits, as well as dedicating himself to a narrative role of being a Noir Detective; puts him as a Hope Player.

His pension for Theft, Cheating, and having a Crew; possibly makes him a Rogue.

ACE DICK

Rude. No no, worse than Sleuth. Like, this dude punches people in the face as a Greeting to establish dominance.

His main Stat is basically Strength.

... And his Auto-Parry is to just take the full front force of the force by the force of his entire front.

And apparently his God Ego is the Devil? Likely, it has to do with all that indulgences and violence he partakes in.

He likes Chilli peppers enough to consider them precious cargo.

... There’s no telling if his Halloween gig is an actual Zombie, or it was just convenient for him to play Zombie, being an actual Zombie at the time. At least we know he likes Gummy Worms.

His imagination sucks, but that doesn’t mean he’s not creative. He puts what he has to use, and he’s appears to be very good with finances.

Of course his imagination sucks, he’s the Down to Earth guy.

But he’s also unbelievably gluttonous, and likely morally inept. Consider the fact that he hired Whores to come to his place of business to give him a good time.

Out of the entire Crew, AD suffers the most. He suffers a Salsa based transformation, he becomes a Zombie, he fuckin Dies, he has an entire life made by Death (don’t ask) which promptly falls apart in the worst way possible, he treats being assaulted by tentacles exactly how you expect if you got assaulted by tentacles, This dude is the “Reality Ensues” guy.

He’s the only one who figures out, why not just fuck up a guy when he’s in his fort? It doesn’t work, but its a good start. Points for trying.

All his Alter Egos that aren’t just copies of him, are Gay. Take that as you will.

The Dude fathered the Homestuck equivalent of both Batman and the Antichrist. That is a Horrifyingly bad or outrageously fantastic DC comic in the making.

Lots of fanfic gives his dude a dirty mouth. While the mouth might literally be dirty, Sleuth swears more than AD.

He has an attack that’s about eating / swallowing things, and he does use this against people (like Kingpin).

His association with the Physical, Feasting, disgusting sexy bits, being the least creative and kinda boring guy, but being outrageously physically powerful; Puts him as a Void Player.

On the ropes on which class he is.

PICKLE INSPECTOR

Exceedingly Polite. Second most polite guy here. The dude will play a game with Sugar Cubes as dice for hours, in fear of being rude.

His main Stat of Imagination is an odd one to deal with... but I equate it with Intelligence. Cos frankly, holding an image in your mind in such detail and logical deduction (consider his imaginary office), would put him firmly on the Intelligence path.

His Auto-Parry is him getting distracted. He-He gets distracted, in a life threatening situation. How on earth--

His Alter Egos are all honestly just him. In fact, half the Comic is about his Future / Past copies. His Gentleman Ego is apparently both more physically active, and more akin to ogling ladies. So that’s probably as far away from PI as your gonna get.

PI technically has 2 Godly Egos, but in this case, I’m counting one God Ego. And its Death, the Ultimate Reality. The other isn’t merely a God, but a fucking GODHEAD. That’s like, Deep Lore levels of holy shit. You’re getting into CHIM and Zero Summing. Game Over dude.

He likes movie Frankenstein’s Monster it seems, and he has an outrageous Strength stat as Frankenstein’s Monster. Which is odd, cos you think he’d be more in line with the Good Doctor instead. Hm...

If he needs help, he just asks.

He can’t solve Sudoku, don’t let him fool you.

PI seems to favor all sorts of candy.

Apparently, him being very Tall is prophecy worthy.

Most fanfics or roleplays give him a stutter. There’s no evidence of this in the comic itself, but interpretations are free to interpret.

He has an attack that’s all about staring at people.

Aspect wise, its very difficult to say what he is. Death is a Doom thing, but PI is very imaginative, which would put him somewhere in Mind-Hope-Breath-Life-Light. Considering he basically makes up the universe too, that’s Space and Time to consider. But if we break a few things down... He’s all about staring or seeing things or people. His Future / Past selves all come in various Primary or RGB colors. His imagination is Sight-Based, he imagines stories or objects, and his Godhead is merely the eternal Watcher. He’s probably a Light Player, as Light can travel Space, illuminating objects, whilst also defying time (Faster than the Speed of Light fucks Time up a lot). But his pension for Creation, his association with the Entire Universe, would likely make him a Space Player too. So more thinking and breakdown required.

Class wise... Hm... Well, he’s probably a Sylph; which in Homestuck case, makes PI the first Sylph ever. His character is associated with an entire environment, the imaginary realm, his fairy association is with Elves, and he literally makes things.

HYSTERICAL DAME

She seems nice enough, but boy she’s heavy on the old fashioned slang.

It seems that Alter Egos are very simple. They don’t have stats, or auto parries, and they share their Alter Egos with the Heroes Themselves.

Consider, however, HD’s case. All but one of Sleuth’s Alter Egos are female; which means instead that those Alter Egos are likely all Dame’s.

Which means that the Semidemonde Goddess is Dame’s Godly Ego, not Sleuth’s. Sleuth might not have one, it could just be his Sepulchritude and title as Arbiter.

HD should have her own stat, with associated candy.

She does appear to be ESSENTIAL. Cos she doesn’t die, she just gets knocked out.

This lady introduced the Lipstick Chainsaw.

HD is a very protective sort, and her first instinct is to provide aid.

But, she also has her own BERSERK RAGE (The Hysteria Meter). She’s like Dragon Ball Z’s Chichi in a sense.

Next to that, she’s a helluva a leader. She commands the Whores to serve as her Army (Which parallels the Goddesss’ own Angel army), and is the first on the attack toward Kingpin (Only when under Sleuth’s direct line does she actually fear him). She’ll even frisk MK’s corpse.

Physically Powerful; she can hold a lot of guns, one of which is the fuckin Hair Pin Machine Gun.

... So basically, PS made a lady who could and will kick his ass.

Rage Player. No questions asked. Only Rage Players have Berserk Modes.

Class wise, its a little difficult. But considering she bulks folks up when she meets him, I’d call her a Maid.

MADE OF RAAAAAAGE

NERVOUS BROAD

Literally, the Nicest. The nicest lady ever. of all time.

Her Nerves are on stage here. Be it merely being Nervous... or having fuckin Nerves of Steel.

And her case of the Vapors is her pulling out a god damn Flame thrower.

Teddy Bear. Knife. Commence Virtuous Mission.

This lady is armed to the teeth, and she’s one of the kindest characters here.

If Godhead Pickle Inspector is a reference to Acalokitesvara (”Holder of the Lotus” or “Lord Who Regards”), that probably means that Nervous Broad is Guanyin. ... The Goddess of Mercy.

She has seen everything that has come to pass and will come to pass, all at once, while falling into a Black Hole.

She can use the ASPECT CORSET to alter her height and proportions, and not suffer any ill effects afterwards.

Aspect for NB is like PI. Its difficult to discern, and I need to research more before I can determine exactly what her aspect is... Though the alteration of physical proportions likely turns her to Space.

She’s probably a Seer, thanks to that Event Horizon. 

Possibly more in the future...