#but i have had far too many nightmares about tsunamis (while living in a land locked country yk)

[cable-salamder]

What's your favourite snake?

Can you open a jar?

Sea or mountains?

Hognoses!! (It’s also the one I know the most about morph wise. God bless Snake Discovery)

If you give me a knife, yes

Mountains. Unless I have to hike them. The seas I like are usually far too cold to go swimming in, but at least the breeze is nice

[my-writings-and-musings]

hello!! i am really really sorry if this sounds pushy or somethin but, will you ever publicly release that post swearth drabble you made?? i just curious

Today is actually the scheduled day, and on my partner's birthday no less, how fitting! Originally posted to my kofi for early access to supporters, now it's here for everyone!

Synopsis: Swerve and a human reader share a talk when he awakens after Swearth.

You were the first thing he thought about when he woke up, or so he would tell you later. Moments after he'd confessed how it was your touch, your tiny body clinging so tightly to him, that had welcomed him back to the land of the living. Apparently that had been the clue he needed to realize he wasn't dead.

It had been just you and him in the medical bay for hours following the... Swearth Incident, save for brief check ups from Velocity. The crew had given the two of you ample space and alone time once it was confirmed Swerve would soon awaken, both out of respect and to avoid the talk that would doubtless be needed between the two of you. There had been more than one occasion where you'd drifted off in the eternity it had taken for him to completely return to consciousness, your much smaller body protectively clinging to his beneath a blanket some unknown visitor had been kind enough to lay over you.

It seemed silly now, but you'd actually been angry when he'd come to so casually, yawning and rubbing his visor as if he was just waking from a nap. There'd been happiness as well, obviously, but you were still struggling too deeply to pretend everything was okay. Quite frankly, things had never been less okay between the two of you. 

Had you not been able to project down onto his fantasy world, joining the rescue party despite the copious limits of your biology, who was to say you'd have ever seen him awake again? He'd been hiding away in his room for months, dissuading you from visiting him by claiming there was "a huge mess that I'm too lazy to clean up"... Knowing that you weren't sure which hug had last been with his real self hurt more than you were ready to accept.

"Y/N...?"

Anger was briefly swallowed by a tsunami of relief when he sleepily murmured your name, his helm turning to let your face reflect on the newly polished surface of his visor, where your tear slicked expression dissapeared as you hugged him as securely as his broad shoulders allowed. 

"I thought I'd lost you..."

A knot in your throat prevented any further words from tumbling out, but the sobs that started to shake your whole body conveyed your thoughts just as well, sending a surge of hot tears splashing against his chest. Arms thicker than you wrapped gently about your smaller body, as calmly as if he were comforting you after a nightmare. A slight tremble in his grip made you hiccup in despair, your experience with his rather frequent hugs telling you the exhaustion from his still recent brush with death was still weighing him down, as ordinarily he would hold you like a lifeline for even the most casual embrace. Too many terrible things were finally registering as real far too quickly for you to process them all.

"I thought... when they called me into the medical bay..." You lost the tirade you'd been saving up to a storm of long buried grief. The memory of that call would forever haunt you, and now it was so recent the words were still burning in your ears, even though they'd been delivered so carefully... Agony from the sight of a familiar body lying broken on a medical slab made you nauseous, enough that only his increasingly desperate hug kept you grounded enough not to puke. Words poured forth in a cracked whisper, all the fear you'd been holding back for his sake rushing out of you without restraint, and interrupted only by an occasional hiccup or sob. "First Aid said you had days... That we'd been talking to a hologram for months, while you... you..."

The servos holding you tight maneuvered you to look him in the visor, keeping you in a loose hug while he put on what was probably intended to be a reassuring smile, though it failed to convince. "Hey, it was no big deal! Just my old shoulder wound playing up!"

"No big deal?" you repeated incredulously. A full body wince beneath you made it seem as if the words had physically hurt him, and while your heart ached as it always did when he was in pain, your other feelings could no longer be contained. He needed help for the suffering he'd endured in private, but in doing what he'd done you had nearly lost the one you cherished more than anything in the galaxy. You couldn't be expected to just let that go. 

"You nearly died! You were dying for months!" you said, disbelief still strong at the very idea. The bot you'd adored had been dying in secret with no symptoms, making it impossible to truly believe he was okay in this moment either. It seemed as if he might crumble beneath you at the slightest movement, but you kept talking, refusing to be quiet. "No one knew, not even me, that you were wasting away while we thought everything was fine! I didn't know! How many times did you hold me, or tell me you wanted to be together forever, while you..."

Sobs made it impossible to breathe, and therefore impossible to talk. 

"Y/N, I'm sorry..." Swerve said, softer than he'd ever been before. Careful servos pulled in your crying body against his and stroked your shaking shoulders, allowing you to vent everything you'd been enduring. Whether it took moments or hours before you were mostly quiet, he didn't interrupt you for anything, and he was silent until you were and he spoke again. "I never wanted to hurt anyone... I never wanted to hurt you... I... I didn't even know how bad of shape I was in."

"But you knew you were lying." you said, getting back to the core of the problem. Awareness of his condition mattered far less in the face of what he'd known and kept on doing. Though he did flinch yet again, Swerve didn't deflect this point, and instead nodded glumly in agreement. 

"That... yeah, I did."

"To everyone." you emphasized, pushing for an answer in regards to why. Not a single soul on the ship had known what was happening, until it was almost too late. Had Skids not acted so quickly and carried his friend to the medical bay directly... You made a mental note to thank him later, then returned to the present when the minibot in question finally looked ready to really talk. 

Taking more than a few starting vents, he finally got his thoughts gathered and his nerves primed, but every single word was unnaturally heavy. "It... it really didn't seem like a big deal. You were the only one who ever wanted to see me, in my own place, but it felt like I was doing you a favor..." Swallowing hard, he managed something like a smile and tried to sound reassuring, even if only to himself. "We still got to talk and everything else!"

There was too much to sort through in his partial explanation, thus you only stared. You'd always known he had issues when it came to self worth, but to hear him say teetering on the edge of death was no big deal? That by ridding you of himself he was doing you a favor? It wasn't something you could really wrap your brain around, but you supposed that wasn't important at the moment, not compared to what still needed to be done. There were more questions to be asked.

"You're hurting, and that's... I know you'd never try to hurt me, but you did. I want you to feel better, and I'll help, but I have to ask..." you said softly, finding the strength only as you came to each individual word to continue. Swerve showed in his braced expression that he anticipated something heavy was coming, a question he really didn't want to answer, but he didn't do anything to stop you.

"Y/N..."

Trying not to cry but still hiccuping, you forced yourself to keep looking in his visor. This wasn't supposed to be easy, after all, you repeated in your head as you finally croaked out the question. "Did you think about me at all? What this would do to me? Did you really think I wouldn't care?"

Something within him, something physical, seemed to break quickly and painfully. You felt it in how he flinched his much larger body as you lay curled over him. The unique way his visor light sputtered when he was hit with deep emotion told you he was reeling, and in that moment you forgot all about the complexities of the situation.

"I... I didn't-" he choked out on a sob, vents pulling air back and forth quickly in the Cybertronian equivalent of breathless crying. Heart breaking, you registered in some deep part of your brain that a dam he'd been relying on had just cracked.  Embracing his helm against your chest, you gently stroked his cheek, whispering his nickname to try and convey your support.

"Swervy..."

Clipped by sobs, his words tumbled out mostly coherently, and you held him as they did. "I r-really thought you could... could do better. I'm just h-holding you back and... and if I wasn't there... but I couldn't make myself stop seeing you!" A few hard sobs stopped him for a good minute, at which point your shirt began to dampen with his tears. What you were hearing had been simmering for ages, and as much as it hurt to hear, you knew just letting it out was progress. That didn't make it any easier to listen as he continued... 

"The holo... it was s-slow and made it like... like I was saving us both from hurt by slipping away. I didn't have to end things, we could pull back bit by bit and then... then you'd find someone better... but I didn't pull back at all, did I? I even made a second you, because I'm too selfish-"

You couldn't let him finish that thought. "Stop. No more of that."

Swerve looked surprised at your firmness, and admittedly had reason to feel as such. Swearth had included a holomatter of you already, albeit one that lived completely separate from his split personas... It had been you in the simplest, happiest of ways, living your dream life on his fictional escape from reality. Clearly he expected you to still be furious at what had only made you sad.

"B-but I ruined everyt-thing! If I'd just been brave enough to break up with you before-" 

"I don't want you to break up with me!" you cried, lifting your upper body to look down at him. Emotions raged inside you with enough ferocity to make you tremble, and for an instant you had to gather yourself. You'd known he was suffering, that he struggled with inadequacy, but for it to have gotten so bad? How had you not known he felt like this? 

Swerve looked absolutely baffled at your words, as if he'd heard you wrong or misunderstood. "But... I-"

"I love you! Even if there's some voice in your head that won't let you believe it, it's true! I want to be with you, and even after all this I still do!" you insisted, holding onto him as if he might vanish in a flash like before. Unable to stop yourself from crying at the raw emotions you didn't have the ability to handle, you wiped away the tears on the back of your arm, fighting to keep talking despite the pain. He had to know how you really felt, and if this moment was the only one you could break through to him you were going to use it. His cheeks were hot in your hands as you cupped his face. "I just need you to work on getting better! No more hiding, or lying, or any of that, I want you to be with me as you, because that's who I fell in love with!"

Swerve was totally silent, his little dentae gap showing between his slightly parted lips as he stared at you. His feelings were beyond guessing, but you were growing exhausted, too much to even hope you could keep this up. Sniffling, you laid back down over him. The frame beneath you was warm and alive, but just that morning it had been... he'd been so close to leaving you. Then again, he'd felt fine all the times you'd held him in the prior months, how did you know this was any different?

"I want to be with you. The real you. I don't know how to be sure this you is real either..." 

Exhaustion dragged you down against him, and you lost the ability to even lift your head as it all seemed to sink in. You hadn't wanted to make this about yourself, but your pain was just too intense to shove aside. Tears, more than you knew you had, continued to fall onto his chest. As they dripped onto the newly cleaned armor, you felt him suddenly shift beneath you. Curling up partway, he scooped you up completely in his arms and hugged you close.

"It's me this time, babe. A hundred percent. I k-know it's hard to believe that, but I... I want to help you trust me." he said, shaky but firm as he made his promise. For all the hours you'd spent listening to him you'd never once heard him use such a tone. There was conviction in the depths of his visor as he held you close, tapping his forehead against your forehelm. While you could also see pain, there was a desire to fight it now. His request for help came on a quiet murmur. "I don't know how to do that, but I don't wanna hurt anymore..."

"I can help with that. Not all by myself, but I'll be here for you as long as you try." you vowed, stumbling over your words as you found them. There was a strange solace in the idea, as if planning your recovery together was healing in and of itself. Too relieved to care, you pressed your face into his cheek. The faintest hint of his usual scent; sweet energon blends and brews, was still apparent beneath the sterile medical air. It soothed you as you allowed yourself to rest on top of him. "From now on, no more hiding this stuff. We're gonna get you feeling better, I promise."

"I love you..." Swerve whispered, hopefully but tentatively. A lifetime of doubt wouldn't just dissapear after one massive event, you knew that, but the start was good enough for you. Kissing his tear stained cheek, you held him close, hoping your unconditional love was clear in every word. It would be a journey, but you hoped someday he'd understand how much you meant it.

"I love you too, Swervey. Always will."

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Dragon Dancer III: Justice

I opened my eyes to a dimly lit space. I was hooked to an IV.

As soon as I turned my head, I saw Chisei in a white shirt and black pants. In front of him was a table of munitions. The man looked rough, a hollow of his former vibrant and frightening self.

He looked at me briefly. “You’re awake. Good. You’ve already started to heal. I need to return you to your teammates.”

Return me? I sat up, wincing against the bandages under my shirt. My ruined dress was gone, replaced by a thin white top and a bright red hakama.  “Where am I?”

“We’re back at the shrine. It’s far from Tokyo and the only safe place now.”

I watched him as he pulled a gun holster around his waist.

“Chime?”

“Resting. I’ll be sending him and Erii away, out of Japan. It’s the only way to be safe.”

“I wanted to tell you, the King controls Chime with a woodblock...”

“He told me...” He glanced at me and slipped throwing knives into the sides of the holster.

“You’re still going back to the city?” 

He paused, eyes narrowing, full of hatred. “You think I would leave after hearing something like that? I’m not leaving until the King is dead.”

I gripped the blanket covering me. “My wish is for you to get out of here alive. You wanted to be free from Hydra, right?”

“You had the chance to leave as well didn’t you? You didn’t take it.” He replied.

“How do you know that?”

“I heard you and the owner of the Takamagahara talking.” He tossed his trench coat over his shoulders and smiled at my open mouthed shock.

“You were there!”

“I was there for a while. And I am free from Hydra. Turns out that the King had planned for this. I’m not sure how he got the location of the White King. But he attacked as soon as she started her rampage. Immediately after the tsunami, he had forces in place to take us down in the chaos.” 

He pulled black gloves over his hands. “Minamoto Heavy Industries was taken. Kaguya is gone. Yasha is dead. We lost Fuma in the escape... Hydra is completely defenseless. I thought we had won the war. Turns out the Devil Clan never cared about their own deaths or loss of territory. They had their ace in the hole... all our efforts were useless.”

He stopped. “Had I known I never would have....”

“But you didn’t know.” I said, raising my voice. “None of us did! This is all complete... insanity. The only person who had any clue about what was about to happen was Lu Mingfei! And I need to tell you something! Listen!”

He finally turned to me. 

“I believe Lu Mingfei has been having prophetic visions. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. But he told me he’s been dreaming about something terrible happening to Erii. He said first with water... and now with fire. Did he say anything about that?”

From the way his eyes shifted he seemed to be recalling something. He answered. “When he was with me, he did have frequent nightmares. About the sea and an unseen enemy. He said it was a dream of the future.”

“Now he dreams of fire.” I whimpered. “And Erii...”

“Thank you for telling me. I’ll get her out... Immediately.” He walked to me tucking under my arm to lift me up and carry me out to the waiting helicopter. It was still dark outside. 

“Where are we going?”

“Anjou put out a call for you all to meet him at the Tokyo Meteorological Institute.”

“And what will you do? Are you going to come fight with us?”

“Heh. Unlikely. Anjou probably has his own ideas. For all I know he’s here to get you out.”

“No! I won’t leave here-”

He gave me a sympathetic look. “He’s already taken over Tokyo at this point. You don’t have a say in anything any more.”

My heart sank even as helicopter lifted. He was right. As we soared over the landscape, we stayed silent. I realized that he was saying goodbye. It was unlikely that we would see each other again, at least, not in a dragon slaying capacity.

“Keep in touch. Please? Don’t delete my number.”

“Why?”

“There’s so few people who are like me. Even surrounded by other hybrids, I feel lonely. And Mingfei will worry about Erii.”

He didn’t answer. I got the feeling he wanted to leave everything behind and that I was part of a past he no longer wanted. 

Tokyo was a city becoming a ghost town. Lines of cars were backed up and people were abandoning them and walking with whatever they could carry. I felt a deep sense of failure. I was supposed to prevent this. I was sent here to stop this very thing.

I leaned my head against back of the seat, too miserable to even cry about it.

We landed. Chisei got out with me. I found I was already able to walk on my own, though it was still very painful to do much else. We went slowly to the elevator which we took down to a hall that led to a large conference room.

As soon as the door opened, I saw Anjou with Johann and Nono. They were sitting around a table discussing something. Turned out I was late to the meeting.

A man I didn’t know was saying. “I will contact the chief executive now, but he was out of contact and being evacuated. I'm not sure of his status.”

“I only need the coordinates!” Anjou was saying. “As long as he’s still alive let him talk to me. That arrogant bastard has already messed things up. That’s the least he should be able to do to help!”

I scowled. “Hey!”

They all turned to me. Johann stood up, eyes wide. “Meixiu!”

Chisei chuckled and squeezed my shoulder. “I am indeed and arrogant bastard who made a mess of things.”

Johann approached and I easily swapped Chisei’s arms for his. His hug hurt and I grunted in pain. 

“You’re injured!”

“Is just a flesh wound!” I tried to joke, but the pain in my eyes said otherwise.

“Water storage well number 13, Design code Red Well, in the mountains near the Tama River. Here are the coordinates.” He handed the seething Anjou a piece of note paper.

“Principal. I’m sorry, I tried I really tried...” I pulled away from Johann.

“I will not accept any apologies from you young lady.” Anjou’s cold eyes brooked no argument. “Your mission was very simple and became... very complicated!” 

I’d never seen Anjou so furious, gazing at Chisei who took it with numb indifference. But the man had lost everything and I couldn’t stand that Anjou was going to take his anger out on him.

“I won’t testify against him! He was only doing what he thought was right!”

Anjou cut me off. “You’ll be permitted to stay in this room so long as you don’t say another word.” 

Johann’s hand squeezed my shoulders. “Easy...” He whispered, guiding me to a chair.

Anjou handed the note to a man behind him. “Johann, Nono, let me talk to these two alone.”

Johann left me and walked out. Nono glanced at me but looked away before I could read her expression. The door shut. 

For a while, no one said anything while Anjou gathered his thoughts.

“When I came to Japan,” He began. “...you were one of the few people I wanted to meet. But you kept refusing to meet me. This is the first time I’ve traveled abroad to meet a former student and have been repeatedly rejected. You even received my scholarship, only to waste it.”

“It is my pride as a student to be able to get the principal's scholarship... it is my prerogative as a patriarch to refuse to meet you.” Chisei said quietly. “Unfortunately, I am not a good student and I have not learned the most important things from you.”

Chisei then looked at me. “I am not a competent patriarch. Those people who believed that I was the coming Amaterasu died for me. and I failed to give them a brand new future... and now my clan is at its end.”

I didn’t want to hear that from him. But I wasn’t allowed to talk any more, so I avoided his eyes and silently brooded.

“And after so many years, you’re still being pursued by your past, Chisei.”

“You mean Chime? Someone told you?”

“You told me.”

I looked up at Chisei.

“You forgot? You told me years ago, back when you were at Cassell. We were drinking together when you told me this story... only you talked about it like it had happened to someone else. At that time you were asking about the cost of justice.”

“I... have forgotten. I thought I would never tell anyone that story.”

He told me. Perhaps I’d grown closer to him than even he realized.

“Then you forgot what I told you about justice?”

Chisei looked a little sheepish. “Can you... please tell me again?”

The atmosphere had relaxed quite a bit. My ears perked up.

“You remember Benedict’s book?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“He talked about an ultimate justice. That so long as this person obeys this justice, then the world will never reject him. Because it’s above the individual.”

He pulled out a cigar as this was a very long lecture for him. He lit it, letting the smoke curl over both sides of his face.

“However, there is no justice that can exceed the individual. For some people, revenge is justice. For others, protection is justice. If your brother’s happiness is he most important thing in your heart, then you should be willing to take on the entire world for him. You think you paid the price for ‘justice’.”

He turned to look at Chisei. “But the justice you obey is not what you really want. The Justice you obey is taught to you by others. It is not your individual justice. So now, even though you did what you thought was right, you’re tormented by your conscience!”

Chisei glanced away, looking all the world like a scolded child. “For you... revenge is justice, principal!”

“It is! Haha!” He laughed. “My life has been summer and it has been winter. When I met my friends I was lonely and poor in life. But they turned it into summer. I belonged. I had true friends. And then... the dragons took that all away. The remainder of my life is growing shorter. There no one else like me in the world. No one shares my experiences, my memories. I am truly utterly alone. My revenge is all I have left. So... it is my justice.”

He took a long drag on his cigar and I lowered my head. I’d never thought of the Principal as a lonely person but who else had lived as long as he did?

“But,” He’s voice brightened. “...it is not the only justice. Let’s take our genius, Carli here for just a moment.”

I gave him a deer in the headlights look.

“Chisei, you and your organization have left her life an absolute misery! You destroyed everyone she loved. And you pursued her with the intention of killing her. And yet. I say one word against you and she leaps to your defense! Do you know why?”

Chisei shifted, uncomfortable. “I...”

Anjou’s expression changed to one of bewilderment as he gestured to me. “It’s because she has no concept of hatred! It’s not in her nature, not even a little bit!”

I looked at Chisei who avoided my eyes. 

“She’s the only one I’ve ever met like this. At least, to this extraordinary degree.” He puffed his cigar. “Now... some would look down on this. After reading the reports, it was clear that she was slow to act to escape from the Takamagahara. She took unnecessary risks in attempting to align with the people pursuing to kill her. Things could have easily gone another way.”

“It took another man’s hatred to finally move things forward. These are facts. However...” He took another puff.

“It’s also a fact, that had Chu Zihang been leading, your brother would be dead. You probably would be dead as well. The mission would have succeeded on a mountain of death. Had Nono been lead, likely similar circumstances with perhaps a lower body count.”

“Many would say, Carli’s route was much more difficult. Much more fraught with danger. Much more risky. Slow! However, unlike her loved ones, your loved ones are still alive.”

Chisei didn’t look at me.

“Carli?”

“Yes... sir?” I asked hesitating.

“Do you regret anything you’ve done here in Japan?” He looked directly into my eyes with a laser like intensity.

“Um...” My eyes shifted a bit, thinking. After that moment’s consideration, I answered. “No sir.”

He turned to Chisei. “Do you see the difference?”

A memory popped into my head, Johann Chu at my bedside. My voice saying: Don’t tell me what to do! 

I lowered my eyes again, examining the grain of the wood on the table, chewing my lip.

Chisei took a deep breath and let it out. “After this many years, it’s great to listen to your lectures again.” He said.

With that Anjou ended his lecture. “From this moment on, the control has been transferred to Cassell College. You have a good rest. I hope we can all see the sun rise tomorrow.”

“You’re using the space based kinetic weapon on the White King?”

“I no longer need to discuss the White King with you, Chisei. I know you wanted to stop it on your own, but you failed.’

I looked back up again.

Anjou gave me a hard glare, that was dampened by a smile that appeared after it. I was still not allowed to talk.

Chisei took the rejection in stride. He got up, slowly bowed to Anjou and left through the long corridor. I stood up and pursued him. “Chisei!”

He paused. 

“Please... be safe.”

He turned away, walking back to the helicopter.

I turned away to find Johann who had been waiting on the other side of the hall. I threw my arms around him.

“Are you alright?”

“Neither of us will face consequences.” I looked up at him. His expression was blank but his eyes were kind. I was happy to see him. I stretched up to kiss him and then flinched. “Ow.”

“The lounge is right over there. Go sit down. I’ll get you something for the pain.”

[hales-bellls]

Touch Base

Figured I'd do a check in with my grief work in hopes that someone in a similar set of circumstances can benefit from it.

Back story: I was widowed last July, I turn 30 in a few weeks and I'm on a journey of learning how to do this "self-love" crap.

Immediately post-accident, I was kept busy with all the "final affairs". Phone calls, paperwork, trips to the DMV, bank, city hall; notarize this, copy that, mail this, review that. After a few months, things started to settle. There wasn't much left on the to-do list, work started to level out again; but we all know what happens when the quiet sets in. I tried dating again, what a joke that was. You think I was ready for vulnerability? Ha. So off to therapy I went. Nothing like the death of a spouse and being a nurse in a pandemic to set the tone for a first appointment.

First few sessions were just information sharing. I thought myself an average emotional nutcase but I assumed she'd need the big picture in order to help me dig into my BS. I started to see a theme come out of me as the sessions went on. I'm sure it's something common, but the weight of it kind of slapped me in the face. I just want to be happy but I have no idea what that means.  I thought by the time I turn 30 I'd have a few things under my belt, one of them being knowing what I want and how to go after them. To find out after all this time just how clueless I am at what makes me happy is extremely disappointing. Nonetheless, I've decided on a path for my next phase of life. Lord knows I've got my work cut out for me.

Step 1: Evaluate the situation.

As every research study or quality improvement project starts, one has to assess where they're currently at. In my eyes, I have a cool job, an amazing set of family and friends, a decent house and 3 doggos that keep said house full of love. I'm set. Sure. I've got this.  I'mmmmmm happy. Yup. Happy. Sure, the recent loss of my spouse is painting everything in shades of gray, but I have all the things in my life to be okay. So why am I not okay? Therapy helped connect some dots. Happiness isn't a checklist. Happiness isn't a country you move to and set up shop. Life is a winding road up a mountain side with potholes where you're trying to drive with a muddy windshield and your wipers are old and falling apart. Happiness is what happens when you switch out the wipers and clean the windshield, get heavy duty tires for the potholes and enjoy the view off the mountain side. Happiness is the habits you do on a daily basis and the mindset you nurture through all the difficult times you face.  

So far in my winding road of life, I've been purely reactionary. If I give people everything they could ever want, then they'd love me and I'd be happy.  However, all this did was lead me into unhealthy relationships with broken people who just want someone on their team. I'd give all of myself to the "team" thinking they would appreciate my sacrifice and reciprocate. Hello codependent, thy name is yours truly. I was always left the only person on that team. For my next chapter of life, I can't better myself without acknowledging the truth of my past relationships. I have to heal my wounds, develop healthier views of love and become whole myself before I can be with someone else. I owe it to my future relationships to be the best me I can be. However, in order to do that, I have to switch from being reactive to proactive. And what a habit to break when you've had 30 years of practice.  I thought if I did all the things I'm supposed to do, I'll be happy. I was a good girl in high school. I went to college and got a degree. I bought a big house. I was reactive to society's checklist of "Things to Get to Be Happy".  So why is it not working? Let's flip back to my original statement of "Happiness is a mindset and your daily habits."

My job is a lot. A lot physically, a lot emotionally. It's heavy, it's dark, it's not everyone's cup of tea. I'm a trauma ICU nurse at a major Midwest hospital. If you're obliterated in a car wreck, lit up by a Glock, or elderly on a ladder trying to clean out your gutters; there's a good chance you woke up in my unit to my lovely face.  My job is to take care of people in their worst nightmare.  However, my job is inspirational. I work alongside some the strongest people I'll ever meet. They're people who are always in search of bettering our care, wanting the best for our patients, and always striving for new ways to save lives. I learn new things every day, I'm challenged and I'm tried and I'm certainly never bored. I get daily reminders of how important it is to value the time we have.  There's no place else I'd rather be.  Happiness is a mindset that you have to nurture daily, so I started practicing.  I practiced at my place of employment, but I also found the urge to practice at my place of rest.

My house was one of the first things I tackled post-accident. I'm sure it was my spirit trying to protect me against the tsunami of grief that was heading my way but I had this huge surge of energy in the weeks following his death. Sunrise to sunset I was either scrubbing, sorting, painting, shopping, reorganizing, trashing; the list goes on. I painted walls bright colors, I hung pictures that made me laugh, I threw away stuff that sat in boxes since we moved in a few years ago. I couldn't stop. I noticed something though. I felt…peace.  I felt joy even. Whenever I enter my bedroom to the bright yellow wall behind my bed, I can't help but smile whenever I see it. When I see the renaissance paintings of my three pups, my Star Wars art in my living room, or my quirky plants in my window sills, I feel joy.  I never understood the value of home décor, I thought it was frivolous and a waste of money.  For the first time in a long time however, my house was my haven. It was easier to find the desire to clean because I was motivated to maintain the sanctuary I built. I felt joy putting in the work of the daily house scrub because it was mine. I felt joy knowing my house is where my family can gather on holidays and where people can crash when they need an escape.  It's something I've built for myself, and a first major step in cultivating the happiness I've been seeking my whole life thus far.

Step 2: Nixing the Nay's.

So, you've evaluated your situation. Time to get rid of what's no longer serving you. Seems simple right? Just take out the trash, no biggie. I'm not just talking about stuff though. There's a meme going around that says something like, "If it doesn't bring me joy, money, or orgasms; I want nothing to do with it." It usually gives everyone a superficial chuckle, but think about it. How much stuff do we carry around with us in our day to day life just because it's uncomfortable to change? Jobs, relationships, thoughts, feelings, habits; everyone at some point has held on to these way past their expiration date because its uncomfortable to change them.  For me, it was my thoughts. I've struggled forever with negative self-talk because I thought it was normal. I thought those thoughts were part of being a human being. I didn't know it could be different. Therapy swoops in again, showing me that inner monologues are actually reactionary habits that we learned as a child and that with active attention paid to them, one can change the darkness the thoughts bring.  It still seems unbelievable how I've been given the power to change something that seems so engrained in my DNA. This definitely has become a spiritual mountain to climb. These thoughts have to go, though. They're holding me back from being my most fabulous self, and I deserve better. SO DO YOU. Nix the nays, no matter what form they take.  

Step 3: Nourish the Yay's.

So, this one was confusing for me. It's easy to acknowledge what makes you feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is a very clear feeling, it's very distinguishable from a resting state. Joy, however, can take many forms. Of course, joy is clear when you're on a beach with a margarita. It's clear when you're with people you love, when you're laughing, etc. I'm talking about the daily habit of joy though. Doing the dishes doesn't bring joy. Going to the DMV doesn't bring joy. Having dog drool land on your face as your alarm clock at 0500 does not bring joy. So someone like me, someone currently in a low part of life, finds herself scratching her head at this whole joy concept. I always filed it away under "do the hard stuff now, then you'll get a margarita on the beach in a few years. That'll top me off for another few years of suffering." This can't be it though. Life can't be army-crawling through fields of glass and lemon juice in hopes of making it to an all-inclusive once every few years. I had some work to do.

I had done some of the work already through reorganizing/decorating my house post-accident. The yellow in my master bedroom, the renaissance paintings of my dogs both make me laugh aloud with joy whenever I see them. This spills over into my daily life too, giving me the rule while I'm shopping that if it doesn't make me feel like the yellow wall or the dog paintings, it ain't worth having it (thank you, Marie Kondo). Overall, making one's house a place of peace and spiritual harmony is a good place to start in finding daily joy.

Another thing that brings me joy I've discovered in the recent years has been cultivating a green thumb. At the beginning of lockdown, I got my first plant; a Fiddle-Leaf Fig I named Janet. She was a few inches tall and after some research, I learned she's going to be quite high-maintenance. However, with society closed down for the foreseeable future, what else was I going to do with my time? So here we went, finding the right window, working out the right watering schedule etc. When I woke up one morning and found a little green leaf sprouting off her stalk, it was like Christmas. Something so silly made me feel so proud. I made a living thing feel like they could grow, and I needed more of that. Some people do heroin, I do plants. A high is a high is a high, eh? Janet is now as tall as me in a pot on the floor with leaves as big as my dog. I've got a whole wall of windows in my dining room full of different plants with different routines, all with new growth and new rushes for me to enjoy. I've even started planting things outside.  Sure, plants aren't for everyone. The point is that you have to try new things. If they make you feel like that little leaf made me feel, you have to keep doing it. If that little leaf didn't have me doing cartwheels, I'm sure the motivation would have gone right out the window and Janet would have been laid to rest in my trash can after some time.

Probably one of the most earth-shattering discoveries I've found is one I thought I'd never do.  Fitness was not something cherished in my house growing up. I was a naturally thin lass who wasn't into sports, so I didn't have a need to maintain a frame on the daily anyway. Once I hit 25 and discovered existential dread, the gut started to rear its ugly head. I played it off for a few years, tried the whole "body positivity" thing but it was a ploy. I could blame it on the accident, sure, but my weight gain was from something much deeper than that. I just wasn't "woke" enough to see it yet.  In this same timeline, my best friend gets engaged and starts "sweating for the wedding". Being that I'm a regular at her and her fiancé's dinner table, I often got the "you should totally go to this gym with us!" After several months of eye rolls and lame excuses, I caved. I figured if I just go once, they'll leave me alone about it. Something strange happened though. After the workout I felt…good?  I felt motivated? I went home and did several chores my depression had been putting off? And I did them to…music? What? Who am I? What is this? Why did Britney Spears leave us? I digress. In the name of joy research, I had to try this workout thing again to make sure it wasn't a fluke. It wasn't. I started going twice a week, and I found myself dancing and slaying my to-do list after every session.  I found myself sleeping better. I found myself saying, "I should probably start going more days throughout the week so I can be more productive."  Even in therapy, I found myself struggling to find things to share with my therapist because overall, I felt better. It wasn't until a family member I was sharing this all with dug deep and asked me what I think is different this time. In my 29 years, I had tried several gyms with all different set ups, all of them lastin the one "free-trial" session then I was able to talk myself out of needing to continue so I could get back on my couch.  So, what was different this time?  Therapy once again put on its cape and responded to my bat signal.  I was given the tools to see the problem for what it was: weight gain was a symptom, not the problem.  It was a symptom among many others like it of how I felt about myself.  I got in a habit over the years of putting myself at the bottom of my priority list. There was always a person, place or situation that was more worthy of my attention/energy.  Now that I'm in a place in my life where I can/want to focus on myself, I can see just how poorly I was doing so.  I think the motivation to go to the gym is different this time because I changed the goal the gym was helping me achieve. Before, the gym was always discouraging because everyone else there was in shape, knew what they were doing, had matching fancy workout clothes etc. I always felt out of place or like I was being judged. The gym I'm going to now has people of all shapes and sizes, the staff's goal is to just get you in the door and they are so motivated to make you succeed all while loving you along the way. Most importantly, I was going to the gym because of how it made me FEEL afterwards. I wasn't going to get thin, squat "X" amount of lbs, or find my next beau; I was going so afterwards I could bask in my glory and endorphins. The performance pressure was gone and it completely changed the game. I stumbled upon a "Yay" and I nourished it.

I know I still have a long way to go in my spiritual journey. I hope that what I'm doing can give others in similar circumstances some direction, insight, and/or hope to better and brighter things. It's always better knowing you're not alone. Take care of yourself. Go to therapy if you can. Most importantly, start where you are. Find your right "window" and "watering routine" and watch the new leaf grow on your stalk. You deserve it.