#but i have dnd on saturday so that's also a mess

[wheremermaidsdwell]

i wanna start editing but it's only been 4 days and that seems short but storyyyyyy

[kyra-mana]

DnD with resident lover

Mother Miranda

Miranda was busy going over a few emails at a table in the library. She was reading a particularly long one, as she fiddled with the corvin ring on her finger. It was Saturday, and she'd normally be going over emails at home, or in her office. But, Miranda required a cold environment and the school's AC was out. Her house wasn't much better. Her daughter was being loud and she couldn't focus. So she called Donna to babysit while she worked. The library would be a cooler place due to open walls and high ceilings, but she would also have guaranteed peace for it was the weekend and the library was a naturally quiet place to begin with. Sadly her peace didn't last long. She kept having to re-read a paragraph because of some incessant giggling. Huffing, she angrily slapped her laptop shut and stuffed it into its case. She quickly stood and stormed over to the source of the sound. Peering into a nook she'd long forgotten about, the sight she was met with, shocked her. In the nook she saw you and Mia? In a room that was coated wall to wall in papers. You two looked so engrossed in the mess that you didn't even notice her presence. Miranda smiled, not a cruel smirk, but an actual smile. She merely walked into the nook and sat down on the floor next to you and Mia, announcing her presence. Two pairs of eyes locked onto Miranda. Your gaze is full of embarrassment, and Mia's full of shock. She raised a brow and smirked.

"What? Can't I see what my students are up to?" You stammered for a response and Mia simply looked annoyed.

"Seriously?" Mia quipped.

"Do you have a problem with my presence, Miss Baker?" Mia rolled her eyes and looked back at the mess of papers on the floor. 

After a few seconds of silence Miranda spoke up.

"Dungeons and Dragons?" Mia nodded "Interesting." She stood and headed for the exit of the nook, pausing at the door frame. "I'll be joining you two next session. Every Dungeon needs a master." Miranda smirked and left, leaving you and Mia stunned.

Alcina Dimitrescu

The music professor was actively storming her way into the library, her frustration palpable. It was a particularly hot Saturday on campus. Alcina usually didn't mind the heat, since her daughters often ran cold in their youth, so the heater was always on in the penthouse. But, the air duct that led to her office was in need of repair, so the atmosphere in the room was particularly thick. She entered the library, setting a stack of papers and a glass of her favorite rouge drink on a table. She sat down with a soft groan. Oh, how she hated grading papers. She's a music teacher, hands on learning is much simpler and by far one of the best ways to learn. But, alas, the headmistress has her orders. Pulling out her half moon glass from its leather case, that sat in her pocket, pushing it up the bridge of her nose. She graded these papers for a while, before a soft giggle caught her attention. She ignored it for the most part until the constant whispers halted her train of thought. She set down the paper she was grading. Standing as she grabbed her glass of wine. She sneaked around the library until her honey colored eyes glanced at something in a small hidden nook. The sight is both adorable and intriguing. You and Mia were sitting on the floor, walls lined with graph paper, a wide smile on both your faces. You had a bad habit of getting on her nerves, but she couldn't deny your determination. Alcina cleared her throat.

"Miss Baker, Miss Lover." You and Mia jumped at her voice.

"Professor Dimitrescu." You stammered. She chuckled at your flustered state and removed her glasses, stuffing them back in the case and into her jacket pocket. 

"So, what is this mess that has you two holed up in the campus library on a Saturday afternoon?" Mia smirked, looking over at you.

"It's called Dungeons and Dragons. It's a fantasy game that only uses pen and paper. The only limit is your imagination." Mia smiled as she held up her character sheet. Alcina hummed in response.

Her eyes scanned over the floor. Heavily analyzing the stacks of graph and lined paper. They eventually set their sights on your character sheet. She read the paper. Something was vaguely familiar about it. It was a female vampire, her hair was short, lushish black curls, amber colored irises, milky white skin. Looking over she read the height and name of the character. “9’6” and “Alicia Dimitri.” She shrugged it off and looked back over at Mia.

"Interesting. Explain to me." She sat down at a nearby chair facing the two of you. 

Mia was busy explaining everything, your soul had returned to your body by this point. You added quick quips and comments into the conversation. Confusion slowly crept up into her eyes, but she saw how invested you were in this. It warmed her heart seeing you so happy. She shook her head and raised her hand to silence Mia. 

"Thank you. I shall leave this up to you two for the time being. But, it's nice to see students actually spending time with each other in person, rather than on that dreadful technology." Alcina sneered, but it was soon replaced with a smile as she stood. Tussling your hair before leaving back for her earlier spot in the library. Pulling out her glasses as she returned to grading the assignments. She may not understand the game, but she so does enjoy seeing you so joyful.

Bela Dimitrescu

Bela was wandering throughout the library. Looking for a book to enjoy her free afternoon with, which was rare due to her many responsibilities as student council president, and over preparer. But, there was no test due, and no student required help because of your overwhelming desire to please her. Her eyes gazed shelf after shelf, looking for a book you recommend to her after a particular night of passion. 'Harry Potter.' The way your eyes lit up as you described and rambled on about the plot. She'd never admit it, but your smile always made her heart flutter and cheeks burn. Her eyes passed over the book as she was trapped in her thoughts. She shook her head, removing herself from her train of thought. She plucked the book from the shelf, 'The Order of the Phoenix.' She groaned at the realization of it not being the first in the series.

"It must be checked out." She huffed angrily and shoved back onto the shelf. 

As she stormed towards the exit of the library, she heard a familiar voice whispering in the small hidden room. She stopped and approached the entrance. She peered inside the nook. Her eyes gazing over the papers that coated the room's walls. They eventually land on you and Mia as you guys sit in the middle of the room. They haven't noticed her yet, you two seem invested in the game. Her eyes locked onto a paper, which she knew was your character sheet by your terrible handwriting. All she makes out in the chicken scratch is, 'Bella.' You rose onto your knees, raising one hand into the air, curling your fingers into a claw, the other being occupied by a book that you read allowed to Mia. Her eyes filled with wonderment as she realized what you two were playing. Dungeons and Dragons. It was a favorite of hers when she was younger, before the incident with the university's headmistress, Miranda. She knocked on the wall, informing the two of you of her presence. Your eyes lit up as you noticed her. You quickly stood up and smiled. 

"Hey, Bela. Do you need something?" Bela's face reddened at your question. She knew what she wanted, but for the first time in a while she was embarrassed to ask for it, more like demand, usually. 

"You're playing Dungeons and Dragons, right?" Your eyes glowed brighter at her knowledge of the game.

"Yeah! Wanna play?" You questioned. By this point Mia was already preparing another character sheet base for Bela, who allowed her cold visage to break as she smiled softly. Joining you and Mia on the floor, sinking into the sea of papers and magic.

Cassandra Dimitrescu

Cassandra was wandering among the many shelves of the university's library. She was searching for another copy of 'Romeo and Juliet' for you since she ruined your copy when she flooded the dormitory. She sipped her coffee as she leaned her weight onto one foot, searching for the book as she quickly read the spines of the book. She grabbed a book off the shelf. It was an older copy, but it'll have to do for her star. Her Romeo. Cassandra's cheeks flushed a soft rose as she thought of the pet names she often calls you. Hers. Her star. Her bright, shining star. She shook her head to escape her thoughts and tucked the book under her arm. She looked back up at the shelf. She wanted to give you a gift, since the night you helped her in her dorm. She knew you were a big nerd. Her nerd. So she made her way into the fantasy and science fiction section of the library. Tracing her fingers along the binds of the books at arms reach as she searched. She plucked a book off the bookcase. She read the cover. It looked interesting. 'Fahrenheit 451.' She hummed as she read the Blurb. After deciding that it would be a good gift, she made her way over to the check-out desk by the exit to check out both books. As she walked, she overheard a familiar voice. She approached the small nook. Looking around the room at the sheets of paper scattered around the floor and pinned to the walls. Her eyes locked onto you and Mia. Your eyes were bright and filled with wonderment. Concentration etched on your face as you thought. You spoke to Mia, something about a potion and a gold payment. Your voice was calm and smooth. It amazed Cassandra how well you could adapt with challenges. As she watched, it quickly became clear to Cassandra that this was an improv of sorts. She leaned against the wall as she watched the show. Quickly getting sucked into the story you and Mia were creating. She smiled, but reluctantly tore her eyes away from you two. Turning away and returning back to her quest of thanking you. She set down the books on the librarians desk. Waiting for her to check out the books. Once that was done she left the library, heading to her dorm. Upon entering her living room, her mind was dragged back to the night you stayed with her. Shaking her head, she put the copy Romeo and Juliet aside and pulled out a roll of wrapping paper. She paused as she remembered the scene from the library. You were so absorbed in your world of paper and pen, it reminded Cassandra how resilient you were. 

Daniela Dimitrescu

Daniela had just returned from her lunch date with her sisters, at this new American styled cafe. She bought an extra milkshake for you. She didn't know what kind you'd like, so she just grabbed a strawberry with extra whipped cream. She knows you normally spend your Saturday afternoons with Mia, doing something that involves a lot of paper. Once she reached the campus entrance, she hopped off her skateboard and tucked it under her arm. As she walked towards the library, being careful of not spilling the shake. As she walked through the halls she wondered why you always preferred her company. While her sisters, annoying, were far more well known and popular compared to her more laid back self. Cassandra was a dramatic diva and best actress in the theater club. Bela was a cold workaholic and the student council president. Hell, even her mother was an option. She's a looker and a hard worker. Daniela was chill, she often drank with Angie and hung with the more chill people on campus. You? You weren't innocent, but you always had this doe-eyed look on your face. It always amazed Daniela how you tended to hang with her best friend, or chill with her. She walked around the library. Admiring the architecture of the library. She doesn't spend much time in the library, so it's a pleasant change of scenery. She eventually found you scurrying away and disappearing into the wall. Confused, she peered into where you seemed to faze into the wall. She peered into the wall, finding a small hidden nook. Looking around, she saw you and Mia setting up something. Coating the walls in graph paper. She watched you two for a few minutes as you set up. She chuckled quietly and stepped into the room. Leaning against the wall

"Hey you two." You jumped and Mia's neck cracked at how fast she looked at Daniela.

"Hey dani!" Mia smiled. 

"What's up?" You chimed in.

"Nothing much. What are you two doing? I've always wondered why one person needed so much paper." You blushed and looked down at the paper covered floor.

"Ever heard of D&D?" Mia said.

"That nerd game?" Mia nodded.

Daniela chuckled and cringed as her hand began to freeze. "Oh! Hey, I got you a shake." She holds out the shake she got you. "Didn’t know what you'd want so I just grabbed a strawberry."

She smiled and sat down next to you and Mia. Watching you enjoy the shake. She leaned against the far wall and closed her eyes. Listening to you and Mia play.

Donna Beneviento

Donna loved the library, especially the grand essence of the university's library. Normally she would get overwhelmed in places like this, that's why the florist she ran was relatively small. But books had a way of making her feel so powerful. The words that were contained in the millions of pages in this library, she nearly squealed in excitement every time she entered the room. She made her way over to a new section of the library. Fantasy. Normally she'd stay in the nonfiction or the occasional horror, but Fantasy was a genre she didn't really enjoy, being the realist she is. But, one day she saw you reading a book called, '1984.' You were often reading it in between rehearsals with Cassandra, when she was working with other members of the theater club, for the upcoming play. She had also seen the cover of the book in her bag when you came to visit her shop for an occasional cup of tea. She met you through her niece, Angie. With her being the social butterfly, and you being her roommate, it would always end up in disaster. But, she was glad her niece could bond with someone over something else, other than alcohol. She knew of a small nook that she'd hide in when she didn't want to exit the grand building, but also be given peace. She plucked a book off the shelf and read the title. 'Weyward.' She found it interesting and approached the hidden nook. She paused upon hearing a giggle and paused, peering into the room. There you were, sitting on the floor with Mia. Surrounded by paper. She immediately recognized the messy organization and stacks of paper as Dungeons and Dragons. She loved the game, despite not being a fantasy fan. She looked around the library and back at you two. She cleared her throat and spoke up. Her raspy voice was barely above a whisper

"Can I join?"

@resident-lover

(Sorry there's no Angie. I had no ideas for her. let me know if you want her or not)

[wheelersblue]

It's Will's birthday today! 3/22!!🎉

Let's go over all the weird details regarding this special day.

First of all what do the numbers of his birthday add up to? 3 + 2 + 2 = 7. The number seven is where it all started. We know from season one that Will rolled a seven while playing DnD, but chose not to tell the whole party that his character lost against the demogorgan. But, he did choose to tell Mike after Lucas and Dustin leave, clueing the audience in from the beginning that these two have a significant bond.

From the Wiki we know that Mike and Will met on the swings in 1976, but it doesn't mention the day. I've been wondering about this for a while, but recently i saw this super interesting post. Definitely check it out! They go into much more detail on this specific part and the meaning than I will here.

In season two when Mike tells Will "It was the first day of Kindergarten. I had no friends and I just felt so alone and scared..." American schools usually started after labor day up until the late 90s, so with that in mind the only day that could've been their first day of school was Tuesday, 9/7/1976. They met on the seventh.

The fact that the numbers of Will's birthday add up to equal seven really nails in how significant and important the number seven is and shows us more proof of byler endgame. They've been planning this from the beginning!

Now let's take a look at his playlist:

3 hours and 22 minutes?? Clearly the writers didn't forget it was his birthday at Rink O' Mania if it keeps popping up everywhere.

Also at Rink O' Mania, the video camera used to film El shows that the date is March 22nd.

They didn't have to add in that detail, they could've had the camera show any other date. There didn't even have to be a shot through the camera. Unless... Will's birthday, and everyone forgetting it is important to the plot? What a weird idea! Who would've guessed!

So why did everyone forget his birthday? Even his own mom!!?

This next part is loosely based on this post here.

Take a look at this newspaper:

This paper was published on March 26th, 1959 which was a Thursday.

The Creels were killed the week of the 22nd, Will's birthday. I couldn't find a picture sadly but in the "Bulletin" section of this newspaper it says “Local family man, Victor Creel, murdered his wife and two small children Saturday night.” Saturday was the 21st.

If Henry's family (excluding Victor Creel) were killed the night of the 21st, then he was probably taken to the lab sometime between then and dawn of the 22nd. So, it's an understatement to say that March 22nd, 1959 was a pretty shitty day for Henry. It was the day when everything terrible started to happen to him and his entire life tipped on it's head.

So it would make sense that Vecna would want to... erase this day, right? It's definitely possible that he tried to re-shape time for himself and remove this day from existence. Maybe, if Vecna altered with the 22nd it also messed up Will and his birthday, and his perception of time. This could be affecting or almost spreading to those around him also, everyone forgot his birthday and no one seems to have their perception of how much time has passed exactly right. Mike and Will argue over how "it's been a year" since the Byers moved but really, if they left in October of 1985 and Mike is visiting for spring break in March of 1986, it's only been 6 months. Not even a full school year.

Then we see Henry's villain arc come full circle in s4, with Henry/Vecna brutality murdering people. When do these murders start? The night of March 21st. Chrissy was killed that night in Eddie's trailer and her body was found the morning of the 22nd by Wayne Munson and the Hawkins Police Department.

Sound familiar? Chrissy's death follows an eerily similar storyline to the deaths of the Creels. She died on March 21st, in a violently grotesque way. Then, Eddie, the person who had witness her death is charged with murder and outcasted. Pretty similarly to Victor Creel and the death of Virginia & Alice if you ask me.

So what does all this mean?

If I had an direct answer I would tell you, but I don't know what all of this means yet either. The importance of March 21st/22nd here is pulling my brain into a pretzel lol. It's also strange that both of these numbers indirectly have something to do with seven. 3 + 2 + 2 = 7 and 21 is a multiple of seven. (Byler boyfriends destroy the upside down and save everyone confirmed?)

I also used an online calculator to find the distance in days, weeks, months, and years between 3/22/59, the day Henry was sent to the lab and Will's birthday, 3/22/71. but I didn't notice anything that suspicious.

Plus I did not look into it that much yet, I'm tired and I had to leave for work :,)

Anyway, if you read this far into my brain dump I applaud you. 👏

And I'm definitely going to be examining more dates and numbers in this show because it is what I do for fun now I guess, so apologies in advance haha (oh my god a tv show is turning me into a math nerd HELP)

[sunflowersteves]

fruity four hcs for a reader with hearing loss?

sure, love!! I’m not hard of hearing myself so please, if I get anything wrong let me know! join fruity four saturday :)

eddie passes you notes constantly. like that man is is always giggling to himself while writing and passing it not so discretely toward you. you all are literally in the middle of a dnd game but he just can’t help himself.

he loves that it’s how you started your relationship with one another. I can definitely see him writing something from a across the room and having you read it.

eddie also I think would try really really hard to learn sign language but he’s kinda bad at it. like he’s trying to sign to you that you look beautiful and you’re just like “did you just say I look like a frog?” and mannnnnnn is he back tracking real quick but you smile, “frogs are cute!” and he lets out a relieved sigh.

but I think he’d get the hang of it pretty easily once he does. Eddie is super smart and you helped him along the way. and now he absolutely loved it bc let’s face it, it’s the 80s, no one except those of hard of hearing or have relatives/friends know sign language it’s like he can talk to you and no one is listening. he loves it and you.

nancy would definitely already know sign language to begin with. It’s how you met each other, actually. you were trying to order some coffee at the local diner but the cashier didn’t understand.

you go to write on a notepad, but then she walks up to you and signs, “need help?” and you’re shocked and blown away because this pretty pretty girl is signing to you. she helps you order your coffee and then before you know it the sun is down from talking for so long.

she also scribbles down a time and place to meet again bc you’re just super cute and she has to know you better. weekly meetings at benny’s turn into much much more :)

robin would be a nervous wreck around you. even after you’ve been dating for so long and she’s learned sign language like she’s signing a mile a minute and you’re trying to read her lips too, but woah, it’s too hard.

her eyes widened with a little embarrassment, “sorry.” she’s blushing profusely and you’re just laughing your ass off. you go to peck her lips, but she’s pulling right back in. “just sign a little slower, robie.” she smiled against your lips, “you got it, cupcake.”

steve would know sign language purely because he has a massive crush on you and wants to impress you. robin actually becomes impressed that he rented from the library—yeah that’s right, from the library!

and so every day you come into family video asking for a movie to watch and wanting Steve’s opinion. sometimes they were terrible bc in the 80s, much more subtitles were being computer automated, but you never minded. you loved movies.

and steve’s practically kicking his feet and giggling as he’s talking to you about what new movie can be rented. sooner or later he’s asking you out soooo confidently on a date, “you wanna do what, Steve?”

he could’ve sworn he got this right as he practiced on robin for two hours, but he’s now panicked. You, on the other hand, start laughing your ass off because you’re just messing with him. “Relax, Stevie, I’ll go on a date with you.”

[minniesmelody]

I saw that your requests were open and I was wondering if they still were because I have an idea for Eddie. So reader and eddie have been friends for a couple months since reader moved to Hawkins in the winter. so obviously wearing lots of layers and stuff. But come late spring/early summer it's shorts and tank top season. This leads Eddie to seeing all their tattoos and being super awestruck and just a little jealous. I think it would be kinda cute. Like two full sleeves, one whole leg, one massive rib piece, and working on a back piece. Kinda like what I got going 😊

April weather

Pairing: Eddie Munson x GN! Reader

Summary: The winters are cold in Hawkins, meaning lots of sweaters, hoodies, and sweat pants will be worn. But that also means lots of skin will not be shown, also meaning you're newly best friend has zero idea of what is inked into you're skin underneath the clothes.

Genre: Fluff

POV: First person- Y/N

Warnings: a few cuss words, tattoos? I know some people are against tattoos for their own personal reasons so i'm just gonna put it as a warning even though it's pretty much the whole plot.

A/n: i'm obsessed with this request! I've been thinking about tattoos a lot lately so this request came at the perfect moment! I have already decided that i want a handful or two of tattoos. I love that you kinda based it off yourself too, i bet you're tattoos look amazing! Thank you sm for requesting my love! Hugs and kisses - Minnie x

April, the start of spring. The perfect season for weather, not too hot, not too cold, just the weather, other than it raining most days of the week.

Ever since i moved to Hawkins in December, it's been nothing snowy and chilly. Weather that requires long sleeve shirts and heavy sweaters, clothes that cover most skin.

Speaking of Hawkins, It fucking sucks here.

Not everything sucks, but most of it does.

One of the very few things that didn't suck was i met one of my best friends here. The trailer park freak, Eddie Munson. He was one of the very few people to actually understand me in this town. Or any place i've ever lived if i'm being completely honest here. He was one year older than me, me starting school late and him failing and having to repeat his senior year twice now, him currently in his third attempt in graduating. But ever since my first day at Hawkins high, he has been there for me, and i have been there for him.

We would hang out every weekend together, sometimes we would go out and go to the drive in or something, and other times we would just stay at his beat up trailer that he shared with his uncle and watch a movie there or just do whatever in the moment we felt like doing, even if it was just sitting in each others presence, we always did something.

Which lead us here, me walking into his trailer, the first Saturday of some semi-what warmish weather.

I didn't even knock, Eddie knows when i come over so usually he keeps the door unlocked for me, easy access for me to just let myself in, the door is always open for me.

I didn't see Eddie sitting in the living room, looking over down the hallway of the trailer was the door to Eddies bedroom, slightly cracked open, like usual i started walking towards his bedroom.

"oh Eddie!" i said as I opened the door a bit more and walked inside.

His bedroom, a mess like usual, cassettes placed everywhere, and of course Eddie, sitting on his bed, dnd folder open, writing down different ideas for the next Hellfire campaign.

He went to look back me and like usually, give me a nice welcome, but this time, it's like he....froze?

He just stared at me, his face unreadable.

"Um- Eds? You alright there?" i asked

"I- uh-"

"Hello? Earth to Eddie" i said, snapping my fingers in front of his face, breaking him out of whatever planet his just went to.

"Uh yeah- sorry it's just...i never knew you had uh...tattoos"

Shit, it had totally slipped my mind that Eddie had never seen my tattoos, let alone just hear or have any knowledge that i have any in the first place.

Most of my tattoos, currently on display for eyes to see since the weather became suddenly warmer, meaning i was in a tank top and shorts, also meaning my arms and legs were free to the eye.

"oh yeah, um- surprise?" i said with a small smile.

"you got more than i do, can i have a closer look?" He asked, a look of plea and hope in his eyes.

"sure, i don't mind Eds" i said as i sat down on his bed with him, he quickly took my arm and started examining all the art work inked into my skin.

"Who did all these? they all look fucking amazing"

"lots of different tattoo artists, some i did myself, and there a few that some random people at this frat party did"

He looked back up at me and raised his left eyebrow "You did some of these yourself?"

i nodded my head "Yup, i have a tattoo gun back at my house, i usually do easy designs on myself, you know? Let the pro's do the hard ones" i said, giggling at my words, him laughing along with me.

"Maybe you can give me one some day? or get matching ones? i mean if you don't want to i totally-"

"Eddie"

"Like i don't wanna pressure you into-"

"Eds"

"Tattoos are like perm-"

"EDDIE!"

"yeah?"

"i'd love that"

I may not be a pro tattoo artist, but for Eddie, i will try my best.

[were-thing]

DnD JAMBOREE:

HELLO TRAVELER!

Interested in DnD? Have you wanted to play in the past but couldn't find the time, a group or where to even start because the whole thing is a big confusing mess? WELL DO I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU!

I'm running a series of oneshot campaigns! That means, essentially, that these campaigns will start and end in the same sitting, unlike most DnD adventures. This makes it a great opportunity to play the game without the usual amount of commitment involved - no weekly meeting times, no possibly years long adventure, no fussing over everyones schedules. If you've wanted to try it but don't know if you'd like it this is also a great opportunity for you! These sessions will be one and done, no further commitment after that!

Beginners of all types cherished and welcomed!! Feel free to bring a friend if that makes you more comfortable!! As a DM, I play loose with the rules because I believe having fun comes first, and I'll be happy to explain stuff to you no matter how silly you think your question is. DnD is a silly game and therefore all questions, silly or otherwise, are valid. :)

To make this as quick and easy as possible, characters will be pre-made by me. You'll still get to choose from a pool of these characters before the game, though, so you can pick the dude that most strikes your fancy.

The plan is to have 3-4 people in each party, but we might go up to 5. These sessions will last an estimated 4 to 5 hours, which sounds lile a lot, but this will be a self contained story. For refrence, it isnt uncommon for DnD sessions to last as long as 8 hours (atleast in my limited experience). The exact hours for these sessions will be agreed upon by the people interested in joining on the below dates. As of now, the first session will be a heist, the second a more standard dungeon crawl and the third is... well, you'll see if your there.

The only thing you'll need for these sessions is an internet connection, a Discord account and a working microphone. I believe in the Pirate Ruleset for DnD, so I'll do my damndest to get you any source materials you might need, free of charge. If you have a physical dice set, awesome! If not, we can use online dice rollers or Discord bots, whichever you prefer.

The dates for these sessions are currently:

Wednesday, July 27th

Saturday, July 30th

Friday, August 5th

Please let me know if you're interested or have questions!

Thank you!

[cheesycaracal]

I was pretty busy during the weekend with the double DnD session - Chronicler left his first party and joined to the second team, since they really needed a support. My DM and I both felt he doesn't really belong to the first group's dynamic, but in the second team he functioned perfectly fine on Saturday. I was able to troll the players with some spells when they created the opportunity - and the players even encouraged me to mess around when I was unsure -, so it was great. He definitely fits there. Rhena was also introduced during Sunday, though she didn't have a lot of conversations yet - mainly because she is working for another centaur and I really need the time to get used to her personality -, but I have high hopes for her. She is much friendlier and more talkative than Chronicler, though she still doesn't appreciate some stuff, like when someone wants to get a ride, 'cause she is half horse. One of the players even asked if they can hop on her back, but she responded no and added: "You have legs on which you can walk." PC: "Yeah, but it would be faster if I can get a ride." Rhena: "Well then, you can run!" Also later she asked: "What if I want you to carry me on your back?" The human character was fine with the idea, so this will be interesting XD I think she'll be pretty funny in a bit more serious way, and she is great in combat too. I freaking love her so far.

[your-turn-to-role]

Hello there! i saw someone else doing this and i thought it was a fun and cool idea so: Headcanon Saturday (or sunday if its sunday for you): share a favorite headcanon (or lots of headcanons), big or small, if you feel like it! Your blog is very cool and I love seeing your thoughts whenever they pop up on my dash! keep doing what you do :D

it is in fact sunday for me! (or, it was when you sent this, it's wednesday now bc i had an assignment i had to do and uh, nz just went back into major lockdown so that’s fun)

but thank you so much!

and honestly this question had me stumped for a bit, because, in theory i have some, right? but, one, i'm less of a theory fan and more of a collector fan, i can put together minuscule details from all over the show to get a big picture of a character, but i rarely have headcanons that aren't based in some show evidence or other

and when i do have some, they either end up in a meta post im writing, or in a specific tag (like my cr nd headcanons i'll link a bit further down), or in a fic that i will write half of and never post bc i am chronically terrible at finishing things 😂

that said! i have scoured through fic ideas and discord server messages, so here have a few

fave headcanon that's not mine

disabled essek. like, thank you fandom for this one, it's incredibly dear to my heart, i consider it canon, nothing can convince me otherwise, it is going in all my fics, just.... comfort character

sometimes a character can be a neutral evil criminal and a disability icon okay

fave identity headcanon

see this tag for my various "why cr characters are neurodivergent" essays, also, fjord and jester are arospec thank you good day

a couple ones just based on dnd mechanics that i enjoy

- gilmore is a couple levels self taught in wizard

(he at the very least would have magic initiate if you were to build him like a pc bc he has identify, which is not a sorcerer spell, but... something about how he loves magic and was very determined to stand out but also something happened to him with the whole runechild thing that makes him scared to admit he is one so obviously he wouldn't flaunt that power, also the way he's kinda self deprecating whenever he has to admit he doesn't know wizard stuff, yeah, he definitely tried to teach himself magic the non sorcerer way)

- percy has a pristine organisation system for every room he owns and if you mess it up he can no longer find anything

this one is based off of two things. 1) percy is canonically a very neat and tidy person. after the feast with the briarwoods he goes home, wrecks his room trying to vent his feelings, and then barricades himself in his workshop. when vox machina find his room the next morning matt notes that percy's room is never messy like this. also, just in how he talks to grog when grog's snooping in his workshop, percy definitely knows the precise location of every tool in there. also he's just a precise person in general.

2) taliesin's weakness in rolling good for percy is investigation checks. he fails them almost every time. he has a decent int mod, but the dice just decided no investigation checks for you! (also, i haven't gone back to confirm this, so i may be wrong, but i'm pretty sure one of the few good investigation checks he makes is in whitestone castle). strict organisation system. he is absolutely useless without it 😂

aaaand, fave angsty headcanon (bc it's me, there was gonna be one)

the blumendrei didn't leave their hometown for days after they killed their parents. like. okay i've had a fic i've been lowkey writing for ages about these guys (yes i have like 40 cr fics in some form of wip status, no none are finished, this is how i exist), in the aftermath of that, bc i love them and i have a lot of thoughts about it

(also, not that i can prove it bc the fic was never posted but i kinda predicted the, cold stone tower overnight thing, which had me feeling A Way when that became canon!)

but anyway what this is based on is like... there's an idea in the fandom that trent directly ordered them to kill their parents but he really didn't. like obviously he put every step in place, but when caleb's telling that story, trent barely even comes up. he talks about how he found out his parents were traitors and how he "knew what he had to do"

so honestly, given everything we know about how trent engineers situations, it makes the most sense to me that the blumendrei, didn't want trent to know about this at all

like they believed the lie that their parents genuinely were traitors, so if you find out that horrifying secret, in the environment they'd been in for the past two years? that's shameful, horrifically so. why would they tell trent about that if they could avoid it? why risk getting branded the same, you've been told up to this point you're special, and you'd kill to keep that title. why on earth would you admit that your bloodline is tainted like that?

no, they would have tried to cover it up, as long as they could. which, is exactly what trent would want bc that again puts them on the back foot, but like... yeah, i fully believe they waited it out for a couple of days before going to trent until they were sure they couldn't wait any longer for bren to get better without drawing even more suspicion. and, since their cover story is they were supposed to be visiting their parents anyway, maybe they didn't go all that far

[that-thing-that-feeling]

I'm so confused about the timeline. I think that everything is happening concurrently in the week of spring break but then the scenes of Hawkins High make me think that they are not on spring break.

When is the Cali group expected to arrive in Hawkins?

What are your theories on how the Hawkins group is going to free Nancy from Vecna if they don't know her favorite song. Maybe that is why they had Robin being nosy in her bedroom and she'll have some educated guess based on seeing a tape or something?

So ep 1 is the day before Spring Break begins, Friday, March 21, 1986 (that’s why the Hawkins HS scenes and Lenora Hills scenes are taking place). Then Spring Break begins the next day. I’ve put a whole long timeline below; you can pretty much track the days, but things get confusing in ep 7 because a lot of it appears to be taking place overnight between Wednesday, March 26-Thursday, March 27, I think.

I don’t think Cali gang will arrive in Hawkins until ep 9. That could be March 28, but much more likely March 29. They weren’t in ep 7 and maybe they won’t show any of the drive to the silo, but they have to reunite with El, there’s a salt bath scene, a night stop at a gas station, and idk if they’ll show any of the drive back to Hawkins or how long that will take from Nevada. They could just show one scene of them on the road or the other scenes count enough so they just show them arriving back in Hawkins (I bet that will be so emotional for all of them to see it again!)

Re: how Nancy’s saved; I’m so curious about this too. I wonder if they’ll use music again (in which case yes, Robin did go through her tapes; I like that theory—altho they aren’t near her tapes), or if Steve will do anything, or if there’s anything else that can get you out of Vecna’s trance, or if Vecna lets her out of the trance. It’s interesting that he didn’t stalk her at all before hand—he pulls her in and shows her his full backstory, but to what purpose? You’d think he’d def want to kill her bc he’s revealed so much, and yet he wasn’t going after her exactly the same way—is he so confident he won’t get caught he shows her all this anyway to just mess with her and then lets her go? But I prob lean towards there would still have to be a big rescue moment for her (I’m also assuming that Eddie moment is during Creel house battle but all the things they’d have at their disposal are what’s in Eddie’s trailer). Anyway, how Nancy gets out of Vecna’s trance is going to be so huge to see! Really curious what the writers choice is there and if anyone else has any theories on it, lmk what you think.

But, anyway, here’s the Timeline (altho I didn’t put it in order by scene, just roughly what things/eps take place on which day):

Friday, March 21, 1986: ep 1

in Hawkins—that’s the pep rally, newspaper room, cafeteria, basketball game, dnd, Chrissy killed at Eddie’s

In Cali—Lenora HS (El bullied, Jargyle shop class); Joyce receives package from Russia

Saturday, March 22, 1986: ep 1 and part of ep 2

Spring Break begins

in Cali—Mike arrives; Murray arrives; roller rink; the writers forget it’s Will’s bday smh; Joyce and Murray call Enzo; golf scene; jargyle high; dinner scene

In Nevada—Owens is visited by Sullivan that night and told of the new killings in Hawkins and that he blames El

In Hawkins—aftermath of chrissy’s death, Nancy and Fred investigate, rest of hawkins crew—the ricks & eddie hiding, Fred is killed that night

Sunday, March 23, 1986: part of ep 2 and ep 3

In Cali—El is arrested; Joyce and Murray leave for Russia; Cali crew try to see El; El is taken away and intercepted Owens; diner scene with El and Owens; Owens people inform the Byers There are new killings in Hawkins and El has been taken by Owens to get her powers back

In Hawkins—CW Jason again takes up too much screentime (looking for Eddie), Nancy and Hawkins crew reunited, Nancy and Robin research at the library; Max sees clock (not so good!), Lucas warns of CW Jason

Monday, March 24: ep 4 and a part of ep 5

In Hawkins—concern about Max; Ronance go to Pennhurst; Victor Creel monologue; max at cemetery and that running up that Hill moment

In Cali—byers under house arrest; Jonathan comes up with plan to go to Hawkins; Sullivans raid and shoot out on the Byers house; hero agent man dies in van; a little confusing bc says 12 hours ago in the next ep, but I think El arrives at Silo this day

In Alaska—Joyce and Murray meet up w Yuri

Tuesday, March 25, 1986: most of ep 5, a tiny bit of ep 6

In Hawkins—Nancy pieces together Max’s drawing; Hawkins gang visits Creel House; Patrick dies that night; more wasted screentime of CW Jason questioned by police

In silo—El in Nina project for first time

In Russia—hoppers backstory; Joyce and Murray “land” in Russia

Cali Gang—bury hero agent man, mike has plan to go to Suzie’s

Wednesday, March 26, 1986: most of ep 6

Cali gang—in Utah at Suzie’s

Hawkins gang—meets up again with Eddie, town hall meeting (don’t get me started on how much time CW Jason takes up), ronance are friends plus Robin talks about stancy, that night is the dive (Steve, Nancy, Robin are in UD), rest of Hawkins gang questioned by police about Eddie’s whereabouts

In Silo—El reliving lots of memories

In Russia—demogorgon pit, jopper reunion

Late Wednesday, March 26–into early morning Thursday, March 27: ep 7

But here I actually get confused bc we lose a lot of outdoor signs of day/night: it seems the lite brite, teens in the UD with the rest of them getting them out at Eddie’s trailer portal is happening either late Wednesday, March 26, or the early morning (still dark) hours of Thursday, March 27, as is the huge reveal in the silo, Nancy taken by Vecna and watching His backstory. But I think when ep 8 resumes it will still be Thursday, March 27?

[sadsilktrader]

Secret Admirer

I apologize for my extreme tardiness for posting to the Geraskier Holiday Exchange. This was written for @gotfanfiction 

A modern Geraskier AU in which Jaskier is receiving gifts from an admirer.

...

"I'm telling you Yen, the man doesn't even know I exist. It can't be him," Jaskier paced the living room of his small apartment, small watering can in hand, completely forgotten. His plants looked on forlornly. 

"Hm," she replied, he could hear the scritch-scratch of the emery board while she only half-listened to his prattling. "All I'm saying is that he was there at the pub the night you played and he lives in your building and he can hear you when you practice and those have all been the nights you've got gifts from your secret admirer." 

"Half the building goes to that pub, it could be anyone! Plus, he doesn't even know I exist. " He flopped dramatically onto the couch, spilling water on himself. "Anyway, I'll let you go do whatever important business you have to do. You'll be here before my show on Saturday with Triss, right?" 

"We'll be there. We just have to drop Ciri off at her dad's first. Now promise me you'll at least talk to him next time you see him."

"Maybe." He grumbled. 

"What was that?"

"Fine, fine! I promise!" 

"You better. I'm tired of listening to you wistfully sigh every time we speak."

"You're the worst."

"I love you too Jaskier, bye." 

The phone clicked. 

He'd met Yen online, a friend of a friend of a friend. They played DnD together, starting off as catty enemies and somehow developing into the deep friendship they had now. She was a good person, just a little rough around the edges. Well, very rough around the edges. 

She'd settled down a lot over the last few years when motherhood had fallen into her lap though. He wasn’t certain about all the details, they were close but she was a private person. She shared custody of her adopted daughter, Ciri, with her ex. He'd never had the pleasure of meeting the man but he'd heard enough about him to form his own opinions. Heart in the right place but not exactly open about his feelings. 

Sounded a lot like his own mysterious love. He sighed again, there was no way it was his gorgeous and stoic upstairs neighbor. The man was gorgeous and kind and lovely. He was tall and pale with silky white hair. Not to mention outrageously muscular. Jaskier had seen him in their apartment's gym working out on more than one occasion. It had taken every ounce of his self-control to keep himself from openly ogling him. He'd seen him feeding the feral cat that lived in the parking lot. Helping their elderly neighbors with their groceries. Playing with his daughter on the weekends. The man was too good to be true. Which was why he was absolutely positive he couldn't be the one leaving the gifts at his door. 

The mystery man was perfect but he, Julian Alfred Pancratz, college drop out, jobless, barely squeezing by with the money he made by doing odd jobs in the apartment complex and occasionally performing at the neighborhood pub, was an absolute mess. There was no way someone like the man would give him more than a passing glance. 

He sat up quickly leaving the forgotten, spilled watering can to the side to search for his notebook and pen. At least all the angst and longing seemed to also be a fantastic inspiration. 

...

He chewed his lip, the leather-bound notebook balanced on his knee. He strummed a few chords on his guitar before setting it back carefully down to scribble something down. 

The sun was fully set now and his balcony light had flicked on giving the small area an ethereal glow. He loved the process of writing and creating outside where he could feel the world around him. There was something about feeling the gentle breeze against him, the sun and moon shining down on him, and the fluttering hummingbirds that visited his feeder that just felt right.  

He stretched and yawned and was contemplating packing up for the night when he heard it. A barely-there, soft knock at his door. Eyes gone wide he all but threw his things down and ran to the door to open it. No one. As always. There was however a small box tied in a ribbon and a note attached. 

A voice so sweet deserves something sweet in return. -love, your admirer 

He undid the ribbon and opened the box. Inside was an assortment of homemade chocolates. He popped one in his mouth and let it slowly melt over his tongue. Dark chocolate, caramel, sea salt. He couldn't help the sappy smile that plastered itself on his face and would stay there the rest of the night. 

It had been a little over a month since the gifts started arriving. Most of the time they were baked goods or sweets of some kind but occasionally it was something different.  A clutch of flowers, a silver bracelet with music notes engraved, once there was even a picture of a particularly beautiful sunrise left for him. He treasured them all. 

He was a hopeless romantic down to the core of his being. He had never met his admirer but he was sure it would be love at first sight.

…

He was bone tired. He'd spent the day hauling furniture away to the thrift store and painting the walls of one of his elderly neighbors who was soon moving to a rest home. For all the work he was paid thirty dollars and a batch of very good snickerdoodle cookies. He knew it was all the woman could afford to give him and he was grateful for that. Not exactly enough to pay the rent but enough to buy a few groceries at least. 

He stood in the deli section, weighing out the pros and cons of value pack meats when he saw him. The man, his white hair hanging loose around his shoulders, dark jeans, and a leather jacket. His breath hitched and his mouth went dry. 

Gods how can anyone look that attractive just going to the grocery store. 

The man looked up, catching him staring. His eyes the color of amber and honey. He felt like a deer in the headlights caught in his gaze. A few faint scars visible on his face and neck. He couldn't help but wonder if there were more on the rest of the man's body and felt a blush rise to his cheeks. 

"It's leaking." The man said.

"What?"

"The honey ham your holding, it's leaking."

He stared at the gorgeous being before him for a moment longer before it clicked. 

"Oh fuck," he dropped the squishy package on the ground, ham juices splashing on the both of them. 

"Oh, gods I'm so sorry," he wasn't sure his face could get any redder. 

"It's okay, really. I've had much worse things spilled on me before. You looked pretty lost in thought."

An employee glared at him with a mop and trash can. He smiled awkwardly, wishing he could just disappear. 

"You're the musician, right? I live in the apartment above yours. I can hear you playing from my living room." The way the man said it had him wondering if that was a good thing or not. 

"I'm Julian, well Jaskier to my friends and fans." He mustered up the courage he usually reserved for the stage and gave the man his best smile. 

"Geralt. I'd shake your hand but," He nodded to his arms full of groceries. "You know when you go into the store thinking you only need one thing?" 

"Well, you're in luck," he gestured to his cart, "I just so happen to have the best cart in the store. Not a squeaky wheel in sight." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Absolutely! The life of a musician leads to a very sparse diet. More than enough room for both of us. Plus we're headed to the same place." 

Geralt had an amused smirk on his face that made Jaskier's heart skip a beat. Conversation between them came easy. Geralt was the quieter of the two but his dry wit and cheesy jokes had him laughing harder than he had in ages. Handsome and funny. 

They made their way back to the apartment complex walking slower than was necessary, he noticed. 

"So you have a daughter? I'm not stalking you or anything, I just noticed her around the complex sometimes."

"Ciri," he replied. "My ex and I share custody, its-" he sighed, running his hand through his hair, "it's a bit of a complicated situation actually. But they’re moving closer soon and that should help.”

The elevator stopped at his floor and he stepped off. 

“So, I’ll be seeing you.” he mentally berated himself for not being able to come up with something more clever. The door was closing between them and he suddenly shot his hound out, stopping the door. 

“Actually, and please forgive me if this is too forward, maybe I could give you my number and we could grab a coffee sometime? Or do our grocery shopping together again?”

Geralt chuckled before reaching into his pocket, tapping at the screen a few times, and passed it over. He added his number with the name Jaskier followed by a heart and music note emoji. The moment the elevator door closed he was dancing, groceries in hand, for his forwardness paying off for once. 

…

It was colder tonight but he still played outside until his fingers were near numbing. His cheeks were flushed red from the cold. After his run-in with the man, he felt like he was walking on clouds. The world was at peace and he was the luckiest man in the world. He’d almost forgotten about his secret admirer completely until the same soft knock came from outside the door. Today was different though. Today he was brave and he had left a note for his admirer to find.

I beg of you to reveal yourself to me. I will be performing at the Royal Oak this Saturday. Please, wear this token so I may recognize you amongst the other patrons. Love, Jaskier

He strained his ears and purposely walked slowly to the door, giving his admirer time to leave the gift and find his note. He swore he heard mumbling of words. He closed his eyes and counted to ten before opening the door. 

His note was gone and in place of it a container he opened to reveal a miniature-sized three-layered cake elaborately decorated with chocolate-covered strawberries. It was, as always, delicious to the point of sin. 

He felt a twinge of guilt. He didn’t want to string along his admirer, especially if things with Geralt turned out well. But he was getting ahead of himself. They had spoken once and here he was already planning their life together. 

…

The next few days passed quickly. His wish of getting more work around the complex had come true but he was, unfortunately, unable to do any more practice for his upcoming performance. Every day he came back to his apartment with every intention of playing only to wake up from an unintentional five-hour nap on his couch. 

To make matters worse, he hadn’t received a single text from Geralt, and since his sleep schedule was completely messed up he hadn’t caught a single glimpse of him since their last accidental meeting. He thought of swinging by his place to invite him to his show but decided against it. Maybe he needed some space? Maybe he had come off as too clingy? The doubts and second-guesses were mounting.

He arrived at the pub early to set up and get some practicing in before going on stage. Geralt wouldn’t be there but at least, he hoped, his soon-not-to-be secret admirer would be. Inside the note, he’d left a silver brooch of a songbird in flight. It was small but something he would instantly recognize. The glimmer of it from the stage lights would catch his attention. At least that’s what he was hoping. He felt more nervous about this performance than he had in a long while.

“You okay there Jaskier?” The voice came from behind him and he turned to see Triss, her curls down, beautifully framing her face. 

“Oh thank the Gods,” he hugged her tight. 

“Where’s your better half?” he asked looking around the growing pub’s crowd. 

“Outside on the phone. It’s her ex, they don’t argue often but when they do,” she made a face. “Something about him needing her to watch their daughter.”

“Doesn’t he only see her on weekends? What an asshole.”

“Right?” 

He felt more at ease with a friendly face by his side and felt even better when Yennifer joined them. He was smarter than to ask her about the phone call and instead chatted about everything and anything to get his mind off his nerves. Time went by more quickly now and soon it was time for him to play. 

The second he stepped on stage his demeanor changed. Gone was any trace of nerves and doubt. The stage was his solace, the place he could bare his soul to the masses, or in this case to the forty-odd people crammed into the pub. 

It was halfway through his third song when he remembered to keep an eye out for his admirer. He scanned the crowd hoping for the familiar glint to catch his eye but there was nothing. He chewed his lip. 

The third song blended into his fourth and fifth. Still nothing. He took a break to grab a drink. He made small talk with Yennifer who raised a delicate brow at him. 

"Alright, spill it. What's got you so distracted?" 

He finished his drink and let his smile fall into a grimace. 

"I left a note. For my admirer. I asked them to come tonight. I left them something to wear so I would recognize them and-" 

"And they did show?" She finished for him. 

"Nope. Wait how did you know?" 

"First off you're terrible at hiding your emotions, and second I was fucking right and you owe me.”

“What?”

She laughed, shaking her head. “I guess I’m partially to blame, I should have realized it earlier.”

“I- what?” he asked again. 

“Jaskier. Darling. Sweetheart. I was right.” she said the words slowly as one would do to a small dog. 

“Right about what?”

“Your admirer. It’s your neighbor. You never told me but let me guess. Pale, white hair, roguishly handsome, looks like he could snap you in half like a twig?”

“How do you?” He was feeling a little faint now like he was at the edge of realizing something terrible.

“Your neighbor, your admirer, and my ex are all the same person.”

His eyes went wide. It all made sense. All the clues were there but he had just been too dense to put them all together. He’d seen pictures of Yenifer’s daughter but he’d never spent more than a passing glance at Geralt's visiting daughter. 

“Oh fuck.” he sat down, suddenly unsure of his legs beneath him. 

“He called me right before I came in going on about needing to go out for a few hours and if it was alright with me if he left Ciri alone.” she chuckled. “I told him to not be an asshole and spend time with his daughter.”

Jaskier’s head perked up. Geralt had wanted to come. He hadn’t blown him off. 

“I have to go. Fuck, I can’t leave in the middle of a set though.” 

Yennifer waved him off, “I’ll sort things off here, you go to him.”

He kissed the top of her head and gave her a quick, tight hug. “You would tell me if this bothered you right? I mean, he’s your ex and all.” 

“I think you two would do a very good job at evening each other out, now go!” She smacked him on the shoulder and off he went. 

…

He ran home, or at least halfway home before running out of breath and proceeded to briskly walk the rest of the way. He was still trying to decide what to say when he found himself outside the door, sweating profusely and looking an absolute mess. He knocked on the door before he talked himself out of it. 

“One minute!” A voice from beyond the door answered followed by the sound of an oven door closing and the chain sliding from the door’s lock. 

The door opened. He looked beautiful, even like this, wearing an apron covered in flour cocoa powder. Especially like this maybe. 

“I’m friends with Yennifer and she said it was you but I didn’t believe her and I didn’t realize that your daughter Ciri was also her daughter Cirilla which in retrospect should have clued me in but-” he took a deep breath in. Geralt looked nervous and his rambling wasn’t happening. He started over. 

“You’re my secret admirer?”

The man blushed. “I am. Is that okay?”

“Very, very okay.” He smiled. 

“Would you like to come in? I was just baking. For you.” his blush deepened and Jaskier heart felt like it would burst with affection. 

“I’d like that very much.”

[chiliiscereal]

Here’s the link for the full version ^ ——

Sister dear (Steve x sister reader)

(This is preseason one to show you what the background is on the whole story)

(let me know if you think this should be published as a separate book!)

You and Steve had a rocky start to being siblings.

You were born four years apart.

He was born in a time when your parents actually loved each other. They had time for birthdays and family weekends together. They went out to the park on saturdays. They were a picture perfect family.

It just so happened that when you were born, your father stopped being quite so faithful to your mother. When you came into the world, your father was in Europe on a business trip. And he wasn't only up to business.

Little Steve had adored you at first. He always wanted to hold you or play with you.

But then their parents no longer had time for him.

It was always work... and taking care of you.

It slowly changed over the years to only work, as your mother could no longer trust your father. Steve was left to watch you for weeks on end. He was good at it at first. He used to watch you carefully. He used to make sure you were happy and well...

Until he could no longer see his friends.

He was ten. You were five.

He began to leave you at home. At first it was only for thirty minutes while he went to the park. Then it was an hour every day during his elementary school days while he went to the movies.

You were seven when you began cooking your own meals.

You TRIED talking to him. You really did.

You tried catching his sleeve whenever he breezed past. You tried showing him crafts you made. You tried playing music you thought he might like.

That ended with twelve year old Steve pushing you away.

It ended with your works of art thrown in the trash.

Your music cassettes were thrown onto the road.

Your mother made sure both of you knew to never walk into the middle of the road, so you could only cry as some unknowing stranger destroyed your wonderful music. The music you had saved up all your allowance for. The music that you had thought your older brother would like. The music that you thought might bring you two together.

When your mother and father returned, you tattled.

Steve was grounded for a whole week.

But he always needed to have the last say. So he sold your boom box and spent all the money on comics. He threw your sketchbook in the quarry water. He shoved you to the floor, saying that if you ever tattled again then you would join your drawing book in the cold water.

You stopped trying to give Steve your attention and love. You no longer wished he would spend more time at home. So you began exploring the town by yourself at the age of nine. You didn't really have friends to hang out with so you would browse through stores.

The arcade was your favorite place.

You loved showing up early on Saturday mornings, before Steve was even awake, and leaving behind a new high score on the dragons lair.

Why?

Because it always riled up a group of boys your age. They had no idea who kept beating them over and over. Every Sunday morning you watched them walk in... only to scream a few seconds later about how someone had beaten their score by ONE point. Again.

You loved having some sort of connection to them. Even if they didn't know it was you. Or even who you were at all. They were a weird little group, strictly sticking with only other A.V club kids. Besides, you hardly ever talked. What would be so special about you?

It also didn't help that your older brother had begun to build himself a reputation. When you were ten, he began to be known as king Steve. You knew he bullied one of the kids (wills) older brother while beginning to flirt with another's (mike's) older sister.

You knew this because your father began forcing Steve to drive you home from school. That was the rule he set when he gave Steve the car.

Every day you trekked to the high school, only to watch Steve hang around Nancy Wheeler and push Johnathan Byers. You would have intervened and told him that you really didn't want to wait twenty minutes (out of sight) for him to be done. But the last time he did that he made you ride the way home in the trunk of his car.

When you were eleven, you started hanging out at Melvald's convenience store in the town square. Your favorite time to go there was at 7:00, because Mrs. Byers would always work the morning shift.

Wills mother was really quite wonderful. Every time you walked in she greeted you with a smile and lowered her magazine.

——-

"Whatcha lookin for today, kiddo?" She smiled softly, leaning on the counter to watch you browse.

"Any new cassette tapes." You shrugged, fingering each music case that caught your eye. "Do you have any Clash? I... lost mine." You didn't lose it. Steve broke it when he heard you mutter about how much you hated Tommy H.

"Yeah, we got a new box of cassettes delivered this morning." She hopped up and waved for you to follow her to the back room. "I miiiight have snagged a Clash cassette for you when I saw it." She grinned as she held the door open for the young girl.

"You didn't need to buy anything for me!" You gasped. You knew that the Byers needed all the money they could get. "Can I pay you back?" You immediately began digging through your pockets for spare change.

She placed a guiding hand on your back as you both entered, pulling you away from your search. "Oh no it's fine! It's the least I can do for my most frequent visitor."

She plucked the music case off the shelf and handed it to you. "You go to Hawkins elementary, right? You should talk to my son. Will. He also loves the Clash."

You turned red and clutched the cassette. "I've...seen him around before. I don't know how to talk to him."

"Oh it's easy!" She grabbed the spare paper and crayons you always used when you visited. "You just need to find common ground. For example," she pulled up a stool beside her for you to sit at, "you both like to draw!"

You placed down the paper and got working on your art. "Will it make a difference if I draw cartoons and he draws realistic? What if the difference is too big for him to want to talk to me?"

"It'll give you more to talk about!"

——

So began your quest to pursue friendship.

You attempted to speak to Will and his friends in the hall.

They were talking too loud about their latest campaign to hear you.

You tried asking to sit by them at lunch.

They were too busy launching potato's at the ceiling to notice.

Right when you almost gave up... Will and you were paired together as partners for a history project.

——-

'Don't mess it up, don't mess it up', you told yourself over and over as you moved to sit by Will. 'Don't be weird. See if he'll talk first. Don't be clingy.'

Wills was equally quiet. He just read through the rubric of the project and stayed silent.

'What can we talk about... what should I say?'

A drawing poking out of wills bag caught your eye. It looked like a wizard casting some sort of spell.

"I like your drawing!" You blurted out, wishing you could just shut up.

Wills jumped, startled. "Yeah... umm.. it's from... uh... it's from our last campaign.." he began fiddling with his thumbs, unsure of what to say to a girl. "Our DnD campaign... I mean."

You nodded along. "I like to draw to! I've never... I've never played DnD before... so I like to draw people."

Will cracked a shy smile. "I'll show you my drawing if you show me one of yours."

You agreed hesitantly.

He took your cartoon and you took his master piece. You desperately wished you could draw like him. Your cartoons looked so simple, as Steve always said.

"You're a cartoonist!" Will smiled, holding the paper out in front of him. It was a caricature of Mrs. Byers. "You must be the girl my mom sees at her job!" His eyes were wide with recognition. "This is so good! I wish I could draw cartoons. But whenever I try... they look like potato's." He laughed.

You flushed a deep red. "I... I'm also the one that beats your scores every Saturday." You admit.

His jaw dropped. "No way. We've been trying to figure out who that was for months! We formed a whole list of people to interrogate!" He ran a hand through his hair.

You giggled. "I can prove it... if you want. Next Saturday I could show you and your friends? At the arcade?"

"Yeah! I'm totally down to hang out at the arcade!"

——

Will had brought you to the A.V club after to ask the rest of the party. You had protested at first. What if they didn't like you? What if they said no? You would look so stupid! You tried to use your brother driving you home as an excuse.

But if you brought Steve up... no. You couldn't start a potential friendship like that.

Will proposed the ideas to everyone excitedly.

It seemed that Lucas had a problem with it immediately.

——-

"Sorry Will, but we can't." Lucas shook his head. "We've got plans."

Your heart dropped.

"Wait," Dustin frowned and turned to his friend. "What plans? I wasn't aware of any plans."

Lucas crossed his arms. "Remember? Our campaign?"

"We don't have a-."

Lucas elbowed him harshly and looked at you. "Can you leave for a second? We need to talk. ALONE."

You nodded and stepped out of the room. "Yeah totally! Just let me know when-."

The door slammed in your face.

You know you shouldn't have but you pressed your ear to the door anyway.

"What's your damage?" Mike Wheeler hissed quietly.

"Don't you know who she is?" Lucas accused.

"No... should we?" Will whispered in confusion.

"That's Y/N Harrington!" Lucas spat out.

"Steve Harrington's little sister." Dustin stated, now understanding.

Mike groaned. "The douche bag my sisters hooked on?"

"Yes! What if she's exactly like him?"

"You mean a total mouth breather? A player? An absolute jackass?"

You sunk to the floor. Of course Steve ruined the only chance you might have of a friendship. How could she think that these kids would look past her family's reputation? No one ever did. Even her teachers expected her to be disruptive and rude.

"Guys." Will intervened. "I talked to her in history."

"What?!"

"Traitor!"

"What about the party?"

Will lowered his voice, causing you to lean a little closer to the door. "She doesn't act like him. She never called me any names. She never told me that I'm a freak. She tried to talk to me about art."

"Steve definitely doesn't appreciate art." Dustin mumbled.

Wills continued. "She's a cartoonist. And I think she might be like us. You know who kept beating our dragon lair record?"

"Who?"

"Please tell me it wasn't Troy."

"Y/N Harrington."

"WHAT?!"

"IT WAS HER?!"

"GIRLS PLAY VIDEO GAMES?!"

[rileychaser]

Yesterday I had one of the strangest days of my life, and not in the normal way. I'm writing it out in order to release it into the world and get it away from me.

Let's start with some context. Saturday was my wife's birthday, we went out and had a great time just us. Sunday we were supposed to go over a friend's house to help set up some DnD stuff, but we were socially exhausted from the day before. And yes, we were alone on Saturday, but still we put in a lot of mental effort in stores and restaurants. Anyway so we texted and said my wife was hungover and we weren't going to make it. Acceptable exaggeration of the truth. We did drink, but we were fine. It's a case of too polite and too anxious to say "we don't want to hang out today." (working on it) Then we did things around the house, like putting up boxes and unpacking. Nice night, we had a good day.

Cut to Monday. In the morning, I'm driving to work and some guy in this big truck is tailgating me. We are in two-lane traffic in a little town with turn offs on each side for each lane. I'm in the left lane. I'm going five over the speed limit, as fast as the car in front and the car beside me. This guy starts flashing his lights at me. I don't think anything of it, but he does it again. I can't switch lanes, there are cars beside me and I can't speed up, there are cars in front of me. I have no idea what this guy wants me to do. He cuts into the other lane and proceeds to do the same to the car beside me. I can't see in the truck because it's jacked up and I'm in a little car. He's swerving in traffic, I guess trying to get around people. This goes on for about a mile, then he makes a right turn and that's it. Why tailgate in the left lane if you're making a right turn? Whatever.

Next I'm at PT (Physical Training, or Mandatory workout for the military) we are running a 5k. I chose to do my 5k on the track. This track is 3/4 of a mile. 2 laps is 1.5 mi, which is the run we do for our yearly test. So I run my first two laps as fast as I can to see my run time. A little over 14min, I'm getting better, still need more training. The next two laps I do poorly because I gased myself, but I finish them. After I am talking to my friend Pete, who's house I was supposed to go to yesterday. He asks me about my wife's birthday and what kind of drinks we had, just being a friendly guy. For some reasons my lie is horrible, I'm stumbling over my words, can't get my story straight, just bad lying. I'm normally a great liar when it comes to harmless lies to spare people's feelings or curving my own anxiety. That lie, total crap. Then we all talk about the air quality on base and how we need to not run when it's at a certain level. PT over.

I go to work and eat breakfast, watch some TikTok videos the go to take a shower. I work at a firestation so I'm in their women's bathroom. The intercoms goes off, the one they use to announce emergencies, only this time it's a jumbled gargled mess. Weird. I don't think anything of it. The it dings again and I think their going to announce trouble with the intercoms. Nope. It's a jumbled gargled mess again. Weird. I finish showering and I go to the mechanics bay and start my day. My Airmen is practically coughing up a lung so I send him to medical. (he's fine btw, it was the 5k in bad air, not COVID) Hes gone for the day. I spend my morning figuring out a problem with a truck, normal. However I call about a test I need to take at another building, the lady that gives the test, Ms. V isn't their, the guy Mr. L tells me come in at 1010, she will be back around then.

Context. When you in-process a base you see the security person, Ms. V is the security person. When I got here, six months ago, it was Ms. S, who was talking about training Ms C to be the new security person. Ms S has long black hair. Two weeks ago I go up to the office for a different reason, I'm talking to a different person and I swear I see Ms. S at her desk. Doesn't matter, I wasn't there to see her, but I think about how I thought she was moving. Passing thought that doesn't really register.

This Monday I go up to the office Mr L tells me to take a seat Ms. V will be here soon. I sit, I take out my phone, I start scrolling. 15min later a women with died blonde hair comes hobbling in, I say hobbling because she has one of those boots you wear when you break your foot but you can still walk on it. She comes in, she looks at me and I look at her. Never seen this lady. She says, "you looking for me" in my head I'm like no, but Mr. L looks at me like that's the one, so I say "yes". I follow her into the office. This is a completely new person then who I in-processed with and a completely new person from two weeks ago. But the office is covered in personal items so she has to have been there for a while. I ignore it. My brain probably filled in Ms S in her seat two weeks ago because that's what I remember seeing. I take the test and move on.

Lunch is normal, Tiktok and chicken sandwiches. After I start working on the truck problem. The intercoms goes off and it reminds me of this morning so I ask my coworker if he heard that weird sound this morning. He says he didn't hear it. I insist that it happen twice and he says he didn't hear it. He's the only on there so he's the only one to ask and he didn't hear it.

Then I need to take the trash out so I load it all in the truck. We don't have the proper recycling bins at our shop so we bring it to the main shop to dispose of properly. Also, I need to pick up a part. I go into material control and I start talking with TSgt T about performance reports. They are due in 45 days and neither of us has really started. So we talk about SSgt A who has all EPRs and can help us out on how to write ours. (each base has a different writing style. It's real dumb) so I say I'll ask SSgt A for help.

Back at the shop. I strat an email, but I use an old email and hit reply deleting all the old stuff and what I think is all other recipients. I type out. "hey can you send me some old FARM EPRs so I can figure out how they want it written here) then I but send. Then the email comes to my inbox. Strange. My coworker says, Why'd you send this to me. What? Turns out I buy reply to everyone I work with. Shitty. I recall the email. It's really no big deal and I know it. But what a huge embarrassment. And I feel the anxiety creep up. We joke about it. No one even calls or ask about it, so its a stupid private mistakes that anyone who saw the email will know it was a mistake. It was a legitimate email with a real work question so it's no big deal. No one even cares but me. I spend the rest of my day as an anxious mess because it who I am.

I get home. Have a good laugh and talk it through with my wife and it's over. We order Tai and watch a show. We go to bed.

But I'm still awake. So I start talking to her about my strange day. And I tell her that I haven't felt myself all day, like I was off and maybe wasn't me somehow. This is called disassociation and I know this. Then she tells me a freaky story of some girl with a weird experience and how people think she may have went to another dimension. And that's why I feel like now I may have been in another dimension yesterday and that's why weird shit was happening and I didn't return until i got home. Or maybe I never returned.

That's all.

[thefaultinoursprinkles]

i feel guilty cause I love my partner and everything but he’s so fucking annoying sometimes. Like he has a short temper and is a very very very VERY sore loser so literally anything that happens like, dying once in dark souls or breaking an armor piece in Minecraft or losing a hearthstone game he has a fucking melt down about how it’s not fair and it’s so stupid and whatever whatever and then he feels bad because when he loses his temper it makes me un fuxking comfortable and I won’t interact with him until he calms down beyond like ‘that sucks’ bc like I get it games can make you upset and I know it’s not always ‘just a game’ but also his reaction is soooooooooooooooooooooooo out of proportion for the event that triggers it. and like now he’s been stressed out since Saturday because a new hearthstone expansion released today and the new dnd book came out and he got an update on the progress of a kick starter he contributed to and then at work the dev told him they couldn’t do something but then another coworker talked to the same client and then the devs and they could do the thing they told him they couldn’t and so then he had a melt down about how he’s stupid and terrible and then couldn’t get any work done because he felt bad about himself so then he’s even more overwhelmed and anyways. We just went to the game store to pick up his preordered fucking book and the binding is fucked and pages are falling out and so now he’s literally having a breakdown sobbing and can’t talk or express anything. He fully 100% shuts down when he feels any emotion so like the second he feels a tiny bit embarrassed or mad or sad it’s literally full on non verbal shut down for days on end. It’s so fucking frustrating. Like I’m just living my life and trying to be better and he just has less than 0 control of his emotions. Like the second he’s sad it’s like he’s only ever been sad his whole life and the second he’s mad it’s the same thing. It’s just so fucking exhausting. And he will not communicate in any fucking way but he also just sits and ruminates and makes everything fucking worse because he will not make any attempt to problem solve or make the situation better or anything and the only way to get him to break the spiral is to make him think it out but when he shuts down he literally won’t talk or look at me and if I try to give him space he will just completely shut down and go lay in bed and not eat or work or move for literally days and sometimes weeks. And I can’t do anything! And also! I shouldn’t fucking have to! go to a fucking therapist god. but then he’s too anxious about phone calls and money and health insurance to go back to therapy and it just starts all over again and he completely shuts down. I don’t know what to do and it’s fucking pissingme off. Like I work full time, I go to school full time, I do all the cooking, I do all the laundry, all the grocery shopping/errands and then he like get mad and stressed and overwhelmed because the house is dirty but he also won’t clean and throws a fit whenever he has to because he’s got it in his head that I’m the one making the mess and resents cleaning up after me. Like yes I am the messier one but Jesus fucking Christ there are only so many hours in a fucking week dude. I spend, minimum, 40 hours working, and then another 34 hours doing the bare minimum for school (not even cause I just skip doing the readings and lectures and participation stuff cause I literally don’t have the time), and then at least another 28 hours cooking breakfast lunch and dinner for us (closer to 35). Like that leaves me 58 hours in which to sleep, eat, relax, shower, talk to my family & friends. I also spend 5 hours a week in therapy to try to be better, plus another hour on diary cards and homework! So 52 hours to myself a week? If you take sleep out, assuming 8 hours a night (if I’m lucky) I’m left with 18 fucking hours. 18 hours to myself a week in which to do laundry, plan meals, run errands, clean, bathe, eat, exercise, maintain relationships, relax. That’s like 2.5 hours per day.

He works full time, yeah, but he also literally plays Minecraft while sitting in pointless meetings, and the workload I take on in a day BY MYSELF is equal to what his 4 person team and manager do in 2 weeks. I’m just so pissed. Like no fucking wonder I don’t have patience for it. I’m expected to expend my meager amount of personal time on spending hours forcing you to open up and walking you step by step through your problems? He’s also so bad at like emotional support and stuff that it’s extra maddening. I just don’t even fucking know dude. I’m so sick of it.

[ren-c-leyn]

Happy STS! I hope you're having a lovely Saturday. Let's talk about character creation! How do you go about creating characters? Do you plan everything beforehand (along with detailed character sheets), or do you discover stuff about them as you go along? Did a character ever end up different from how you had imagined them? (tag @fields-of-ink)

 I’m having a pretty good one so far, thank you @fields-of-ink. ^-^ 

 My character creation process is, like most of my writing, organized chaos. Or just plain chaos. Depends on how you look at it.

 Sometimes I start with a concept, like I tend to do with DnD characters. A basic personality, sometimes appearances, with a short bit of background. Then, I’ll stew on that for a while. If I have multiple characters as I’m working on it, I’ll connect them somehow. For example, characters A and B are childhood friends, C hates B because of this thing they did in their teenage years, C and D have similar goals, but D is A’s cousin, D and B haven’t met before but they will have to deal with the chaos that their connections to the others bring them. It builds dynamics and helps me kind of ground each character in the story so that figuring out who they are while I write is a little easier. I also like the almost butterfly effect-like chaos it produces, a lot like learning about people and how they fit together in real life.

 Other times, I have to kind of reverse engineer my characters. I’ll have a role in a story that I know I need someone to play, and so I have to stop and think about what kind of motivation someone might have for doing/what kind of person would be willing to do the things I need done. I follow these trains of thought until I have a character concept and can follow the steps above.

 And then there are times where a character just crops up out of no where in the middle of a story and I have to stop, stare at their lines, sigh, and make accommodations in my plans for their arrival. This happens often and many of The Plight of a Sparrow characters are such arrivals lol.

 There are many characters who are different than I originally imagined them in concepts. Sky from The Dragon’s Crown and Erinus from The Plight of a Sparrow being my two biggest shocks. Though most of my characters are different than I planned, even if just in small ways.

 But that’s part of why I write the way I do. My chaotic mess of a process allows me to be flexible with characters who toss my stories on their heads and suddenly go into plot altering backstories I didn’t have planned out to the last detail. I’ve tried going with the character sheet, down to the last detail, methods of making characters and it just doesn’t work for me. It feels too restrictive and if I try to stick with it I find I have a harder time with character development as the story goes along. But that’s just me and my process. I know people who have to know their characters beforehand before they can write them, and the detail some of them go into really amazes me. ^-^

 Thank you for dropping in! I hope you continue to have a lovely day/evening.

[inkofamethyst]

crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap

okay so y’all remember how i had this application that’s helped my check my answers for my orgo II lab, right?  well, the saturday office hours TA just showec everyone in here how to use the application.  and like,,,, yes, i want other people to do well,,, but i also want to majorly benefit from a big ol’ curve at the end of the semester, you know?

well, to be fair, she went through it pretty fast, and she just showed how to use the application, not where to get it from.  so maybe other people will gloss over its importance and absolute clutchness.

IN OTHER NEWS,  MY BROWN SKIRT HAS SHIPPED!

I’m so excited!  I should be getting it by Tuesday, and I really hope it fits.  Of course, I do have a sewing machine, and I have altered clothes previously, so I suppose I could add it to my ever-growing pile of clothes to alter.  I don’t expect the waist to be any larger than 28″ (the seller unfortunately didn’t actually respond to my query about the actual waist size, but I did feel safe buying it still knowing the fact that I could cancel the order and get my money back if she didn’t ship it out), but I believe my optimal waist size to be 26.5″ around (my waist measurement it 28″, but I’m a bit squishy around my midriff and prefer a bit of a tighter fitted look (which like,,, maybe that means that I could lose an inch or so around my waist comfortably?  I’m not sure, but I’m generally pretty comfortable with my size.  I ain’t quite tiny, but I’m certainly not large), especially if there’s a teensy bit of stretch in the waistband.  That said, 27″ waists also work quite well for me.  I’d just be afraid of this skirt having no side seam that I could work with.  It looked as though there was a zipper up the side and hook/bar closure on the waistband (there was literally only one picture, so that’s an educated guess based on my scrutiny of that one image (with every detail I further convince myself that this purchase was not a good idea (but it was $10 (+$7 shipping) for a flowy wool skirt with lining!!))), and I’d really rather not mess about on that zipper.  I suppose I’ll just watch a few YouTube tutorials if necessary (though I hope it won’t be!).

[that was supposed to be posted yesterday but ended up in my drafts lol]

You know, I haven’t even thought about the possibility of the skirt having a waistband that’s too small for me?  Now, I’ve got myself a nice waist that I’m satisfied with, but it’s possible that I might have been sold a vintage size 4 as opposed to a modern size 4 (again, I wouldn’t have had to play this anxious guessing game if only the seller had responded to my question about the waist size).  But you know what?  There’s no use worrying about any of that.  I’ll cross any bridges necessary but only if I come to them.

So I don’t know if I mentioned that I was working on a group project in my bio lab class, but I have been for about the past two or three weeks now (I had to go into the woods and count some plants!).  There are very few instances when completing a group project where one person does not take the lead.  If I think about it, I prefer taking the dedicated follower role.  It’s a support position, sure, but it takes a lot of the pressure off.  If I’m just placed into a group project, that is the position I will try to assume from the start.  If it becomes clear that no leader will rise to the challenge, I generally will do that myself.  That’s just how I roll.  Disorganization is the enemy of group projects and I will not sit idly by while other people are disjointed.  Life is best when organized and planned.  That’s probably why I would’ve voted for Liam as president of DnD Beyond.  Anyway.  I took the lead on this project because no one else really was, and I just got a bit snippy in the group chat with one of the group members and I kind of feel a bit bad about it?  It’s too late for me to apologize, but I wish that I had.

In other news, I broke my silence in the group chat last night :)  My photo-friend was feeling lonely because he hasn’t had a significant other yet, and he’s the only person in his apartment who’s never gone on a date.  He was so upset about it that he started drinking apparently which,,, to each their own I suppose.  Anyway I just messaged in the group chat to reassure him of a lot of the things that I have to remind myself whenever moods like that crop up: I’m thankful to be alive, healthy and happy.  I have friends, and I’d like to believe that romance isn’t the end-all-be-all of relationships.  It’s not realistic to expect me to simply train myself to not want a romantic relationship, but I can become more content in my singleness.  I am where I’m meant to be, and I’m at least a little bit satisfied with where I’m headed.

I will say that I’m afraid of doing this thing where I anti-romanticize romantic relationships and just become cynical/bitter about them.  I don’t want to put down the idea of romance, I just need to remind myself that there are other ways to love and be loved!

As far as speaking in the chat goes, I’ve at least broken that initial wall.  You wouldn’t believe how nervous it made me to do so?  The phrases swarming in my head trying to convince me not to, or that I wouldn’t really have anything useful to say.  It’s... it’s kind of a bit messed up the way my head be doin’ me dirty like that.  Even now I’m doubting as to whether I said anything useful or whether it was just cringey and fake-deep (I will note that my photo-friend did thank me in his drunken state, and I’m not sure how much of an accomplishment it is to comfort someone who’s drunk).

Also I think I want to stop calling myself dumb.  It’s a way for me to hide self-deprecation, and I’m glad I picked up on it on my own.  I don’t want to continue attacking myself when I feel down in order to “humble myself” or whatever my subconscious goal may be.  I don’t think I want to find a replacement for calling myself dumb either, because that can still lead to me subconsciously believing it.  Like in Wolf359, how the AI (I can’t remember her name :/ HIRA (Hera???)) was programmed to repeat something along the lines of “I’m not good enough” which stunted her spunk and ability to perform in a way that matched her ambition.  I don’t want to keep stunting myself.  I’m not dumb.  And I need to start believing it.

Finally, on quite a bit of a sadder note, my great aunt isn’t doing so well.  She’s got blood clots, may have suffered a stroke, is battling cancer, is losing grip strength, and is having trouble seeing.  All this while COVID still rages, so we can’t even really go visit her.  Only one person can go per day, so my dad and grandmother have been switching off.  Today I’m thankful for her support alongside my grandmother throughout the years.  She’s always been there to support my music and help me with math, though I haven’t really needed to ask for her help in a few years, and I can’t neglect to mention her frequent monetary gifts.  I truly do hope her condition improves, but I don’t know whether it will or not.  I also don’t know what my grandmother is going to do with a house all to herself.  I know we live only a few minutes away, but that’s only until it’s no longer necessary for us to stay in this state for in-state tuition, according to my dad.  Oh, I don’t know.

[acrobaticcatfeline]

When it’s so Dark, a Candle isn’t Enough to Save You

Word Count: 2526

TW: It’s a vent fic, so swearing, depression, suicidal thoughts and actions, no self harm or actual death or anything but like right on the edge of an attempt and getting talked down, lots of crying and self loathing, parents who arent bad and genuinely want to help but aren’t really reaching their kid, and I think that’s it.

Notes: This is heavily based on my life and my thoughts, but I haven’t gotten too bad like this, I’m fine don’t worry, this was my catharsis. I’m better now. Still not great but better.

Pairings: platonic logince, theres a hint of romantic logince in the last few paragraphs that come after a short time skip.

Summary: “Member left. Member left. Member left.” Roman’s day has gone to shit. Everything is bad and he is so damn alone. He’s sitting on the edge, dangling by a frayed string and it’s snapping piece by piece. He’s losing that grip on life that he used to have. He doesn’t feel like there’s any one who would care anyways, but life finds a way sometimes to put the right people in the right spot at the right time. Sometimes, you really can be saved.

Member left.

Member left.

Member left.

Roman was already having a bad day. When he looked online to see all his friends had left their group chat, he slammed his computer closed and went for a walk. It was early November and below freezing out already. He skipped the jacket, barely stopping to slip on his sneakers before stepping out. He stuffed his already freezing hands in his jeans pockets and looked up at the sky to prevent the drops from his eyes the chance to roll down his cheeks. His parents weren’t listening. They never really listened. They weren’t being malicious, he knew that, but god he just wanted to throw himself into the ocean sometimes with how they responded to his attempts at communication. No dad, it doesn’t get easier to wake up in the morning, its still terrible and he still just wants to hole up and cry instead of going to school. No dad, just because he's always done that chore doesn’t mean its going to be easy, especially as more and more people move in. It’s one thing to clean for 3 people, but 12 is a whole other thing. His spine aches just thinking about standing over the sink for hours at a time scrubbing futilely. His feet sore from hours on his feet after an already terrible school day. His fingers cruelly remind him of the feel on his hands, the tremors shoot through his nerves remembering the sensation that makes him want to tear his skin off bit by bit with his own teeth. His ears ring that horrid sound, the squeak that makes him want to drop to the ground and cry from how bad his brain is hurting. He keeps walking. He doesn’t know where to, but he continues.

They really did love him, he knows this more than anything, and he loves them too but… but dammit, they never gave him a chance; bribing him to get the impossible done, trivializing his problems, equating him to some other ‘normal’ kid. He couldn’t stand it. He had his phone taken a few days ago, over the 4-day weekend he had, and he was devastated, he was wanting to spend time with some friends. He also had wanted to get things done. He needed to shower, he needed to do homework, but he also had to do chores, and unfortunately, he never had energy for anything else after them. His mind swirled with deadlines, but he couldn’t do it, he was out of energy, he had been pulling from his reserves for two weeks and now he was overdrawn, and he couldn’t muster up enough to do anything else. He had been hit with a bout of depression recently and that with all of the shit that had taken place that week and his self-loathing, he was teetering off the edge and he was terrified of snapping and blowing his lights out. He shook his head, attempting to pull his thoughts away from there.

As he walked, he saw it start to snow. He grimaced, ignoring it in favor of continuing onwards. He passed the McDonalds and felt his lips tug upwards, remembering when him and a bunch of his friends had gone before tearing through the shopping center like lunatics. He remembered their smiling faces, their jingling laughter, and then was haunted by their faces of judgement and disgust. He pointedly looked forwards, trying to focus on walking. He passed his school, empty and dark on  Saturday, and remembered when he and his friends would scream and howl with laughter waiting for the public bus to the local library, the times they would raid their friends houses without warning, just crashing on the couch and playing games of all types. Lots of those friends had moved, he was reminded. He hadn’t seen or heard from them in years now, no matter how desperately he tried to keep in contact. He wondered how they were doing; what they would think of the person he’d become. He passed the turn off that would go to that park, the one right outside their old house, the one they held countless parties at, the ones that reminded him of that happy mindless joy he hadn’t felt in years. He remembered those friends who had just stopped talking with him, those people who gradually grew apart from him, the ones he had falling outs with. He kept walking, picking up his pace as he grew colder and felt his eyes overflow.

He passed the library, electing to ignore the flood of memories of booking the study rooms that they would mess around in, they rarely actually got their homework done, electing to sing showtunes on the table and listen to two of their friends play the ukulele together, teasing each other about crushes they had, complaining about the teachers they disliked, ending the excursion with hugs as one by one they went home. He kept walking and walking until his feet stopped fully by the on ramp of the freeway. He jumped over the small barrier, sitting with his legs dangling over the interstate, his arms looped around the bars behind him. He had done it countless times before, enjoying the rushing sound the cars made as they slipped by under him. It was different this time, almost imperceptibly to anyone else. The tear tracks on his cheeks were clear, invisible to the glancing eye. The fidgeting kick of his legs was ever so slightly more erratic. His grip on the bars were ever so slightly tighter, yet also the loosest hold he could have. He leant forward, feeling the wind rush through his hair as he slowly lost feeling in his arms.

Numbly, he registered the sound of the bars tinging, the sound that comes from another person jumping over the rail as well. He felt a warm jacket be wrapped round him. He loosely felt his neck turn to look at the other person, recognizing him immediately. It was one of his peers, his name was Logan, he thought. He was in all the same accelerated courses that he was in. They had spoken a few times out of necessity, but they hadn’t really been close. Roman wasn’t close to anyone really, not anymore.

He had been in fights with all the kids who were a grade above him, his old best friend didn’t even invite him to their graduation. No goodbye, no hugs, no texts to make plans to see each other again, no “H.A.G.S. you nerd ;)” written on each other’s yearbooks, just, slipping away as if their relationship had meant nothing. It was painful. The friends he had in his grade weren’t quite as dramatic. They just, stopped liking the same things. They drifted apart. Its wasn’t sudden, he could have done something. But he didn’t. he just, stood by as his friends were more like strangers as days went by. He remembered sitting in the back of the game store, playing DND and magic and spinoffs and rip-offs, until they got kicked out at closing time. Now they barely looked his way when they passed in the halls, too busy with new friends, better friends.

“what's on your mind?”

He was ripped out of his thoughts by Logan, who had a sympathetic look in his eyes. He looked down at the cars and numbly pulled the jacket that was wrapped around him on fully, relishing in the warmth it radiated. He replaced his arms around the bars carefully before answering.

“a lot. Nothing you need to worry about.”

“considering how close you look to plummeting into the interstate, and the fact that you now have my jacket, I think it is.”

Roman looked at him with a searching eye, seeing the smirk that came as he made his second point, and realizing that he was stuck now.

“… I'm just depressed. That’s all. Its nothing outstanding. I just feel alone.”

“that’s fair. Do you want to talk about it?”

“why do you care? I barely know you; you have no reason to be concerned about me. I might as well just be another number in a statistic they tell middle schoolers to scare them.”

Logan looked thoughtful for a moment before responding slowly and carefully.

“every statistic is made from real lives that matter. Every statistic relies on those data points. No matter how you feel, you are more important than a number on a graph. You have people who care about you. Your brain is deceiving you in making you-”

“yeah yeah, I know people care for me and all that junk. I know that. It just doesn’t matter. They’ll get over it. They’ll… they’ll forget about me sooner than they'd think. I’d be fresh in their minds for less than a year. They'd be sad on the anniversary for anther three maybe. They'd get over it. They'd function better than I am currently. They'd dwell less than me. they'd be better off.”

“you don’t really believe that do you?”

“… just because I don’t believe it doesn’t mean its not true. Did you know that 15 women an hour are hit in Nike manufacturing factories? Completely unbelievable. Completely true.”

“Roman you matter more than you expect. There are people who would be devastated for years if you died. I could bet there’d be another two suicides that would domino if you let go right now. There are people who only have you left, and if you were gone, they'd feel just as hopeless as you do now. This is high school, this isn't permanent. Don’t you want to live to see how right everyone was about college? Don’t you want to live to be able to go to a karaoke bar with your college friends? Don’t you want to live to fall in love again? To see Lin Manuel Mirandas newest Broadway hit? To be able to go see a Broadway show live instead of from a shitty pirated video on YouTube? There's so much to live for, they may be small, but they're there. Do really want to give up before you can hear your mom say she loves you again?”

Roman felt tears welling up and spilling over his cheeks. He wanted so desperately to just believe him. To give in to the idea that he mattered. But he just couldn’t. Not yet.

“why do you think I care about all that, huh? You don’t know me Logan, you don’t know how I feel.”

“who says I don’t?”

Roman blinked, looking back at him. Logan continued.

“who says, that I haven’t walked past this interstate every day, wanting so desperately to throw myself off, but not because I knew I had to hold on for my little brother, who has been suffering from clinical depression. Who says I haven’t held on to just hear my favorite teacher again? Who says I haven’t seen you every day since third grade with that brilliant smile and stunning passion singing through the halls, that I didn’t notice when it slowed, when it was a treat to hear your voice, that I didn’t notice when it stopped all together, when you dropped choir and threw yourself into your studies so much that you rarely smiled other than that little hint when you got good news that dropped just as quickly. Who says I never overheard when you blasted Hamilton just a little too loud in your headphones at lunch? Who says I cant name every single person in the school who is waiting for that one person to give up so they can feel like they are allowed to go with them, who feel like they only have that one thread holding them here and as soon as they're gone there's no point left in living. Who says I'm not one of them? Roman I know you feel alone, I understand, but you don’t know just how much of a ripple you make. You matter so much to so many people. Please, please don’t let go. Jump back over to the other side of the railing with me and go home.”

Roman could hear the pleading in Logan’s voice. He wasn’t sure if he really believed it all, if he really felt like it was worth it to back off, but he couldn’t handle how depressed and lost he sounded, how jaded. He stood and leaped back over, smiling softly when Logan did the same. He started to pull off the jacket when he was stopped again.

“hey, don’t worry about it, I live close by. You can return it to me on Tuesday.”

There was a glint in his eyes and Roman chuckled at the kind-hearted trick. Because he knew that Roman would make a point of returning it, which meant he would have to make it to Tuesday. He nodded, and after a second’s hesitation, wrapped Logan in a hug. whispering a ‘thank you’ before turning to walk home. If he had eyes in the back of his head, he would have seen the longing glance Logan made at the on ramp, and the set glance back at him, before he turned the opposite way.

 -

On Tuesday things would be better. He would have talked with his parents and come to an understanding, he would have accomplished things he had wanted to, and he would be in generally higher spirits. He would let a smile slip more often, his true genuine one with his teeth on display, and he would laugh at the stupid silly jokes he heard. He would have his head up more, he would notice the smiles from friends he thought long estranged and start up a conversation, inviting some of them to a mall crawl later after school.

He would return Logan’s jacket and ignore the weird looks people gave him. He would talk more freely, he would joke with Logan about comic books and their latest obsessions, he would sit with Logan at lunch, he would get his phone back and steal Logan’s number. He would talk with his online friends about how he had felt when everyone had left the groups, and hear them out, instead of jumping to conclusions that they hated him now. He would let himself feel. He would let himself be okay. Things wouldn’t get better immediately, but he would work at it.

He would let himself live, and fall in love, and cry. He would heal. He wouldn’t let go. He wouldn’t give up. Not on Tuesday. Not the month after. Not after he went on a less than perfect date with Logan, when it started raining and the highway flooded leaving them stranded at home stuck watching old Disney movies on his couch. Not when a month after that he didn’t get a role in the school play and he spent an hour crying on the phone with Logan. No, he wasn’t going to feel great all the time, but things would get better. Logan was right all that time ago. The pain he feels isn't permanent. He would be okay.

-

Foregoing the taglist this time because of how venty this is. If you would like to be tagged in more trigger heavy fics let me know so I can make a separate list.

Let me know if you want to be tagged in my writing.

Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty.