#but i have been feeling super lonely after the situation yesterday bc i felt so betrayed and violated

[lyrasjordan]

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[endlessgreysky]

August 10, 2.04 am

Fun thing about ptsd is that my brain protects itself from things, until it doesn’t. A lot has happened recently and I went numb for actual weeks, and I just had a tiny moment where I felt a tiny emotion and suddenly every emotion just rushed into the crack so quickly I had a panic attack.

Lost one of my friends. Out of everyone I’m friends with she’s the one I’d expect it from, she’s the one who’s problematic enough on her own that I honestly didn’t feel anything but rage at what happened. Then I felt nothing, and I felt a little weird and bad for it but it was more important how my friends were feeling anyway. The drama is between my best friend and her, so I’m just here being pissed because my best friend is my person and I’m wildly overprotective of her. But my other friend is like the ex-friend’s person, so it’s awkward bc she’s going to keep being friends with all of us and she just wants us to work it out. She talked to me about it yesterday and I’ve just been thinking about it ever since. The first thing I did when the drama happened was remove her from social media everywhere so she can’t contact me without it being a “request” so that I can choose whether or not I engage. Thinking back I’m just beating myself up because I’m so used to dealing with drama that I never stopped to think if that was the best idea in this situation. And it’s not like I’m super excited or ready or willing to let her even a tiny bit back into my life, but in all honesty everything I feel towards her regards what happens with my best friend, so if they work things out I’ll still have removed her everywhere. I guess I got so used to losing friends and everything being impermanent that it took me this long to realize the friends I’m losing now are the ones I’d started to consider family.

I’m pissed at her, a part of me hates her, a part of me never wants to even look at her face again, but it hurts. It’s just this nagging ache that I felt when I realized that she was my family for awhile and I just shattered a part of my family since she’ll always be around as long as my other friend is. And that ache is what let in all of my other feelings as something besides my numb depressed state.

My mom had someone she loved die today and threw herself into a dinner with my dads shitty fucking family right after. They condescended her because that’s what they do, they condescended me because they think she doesn’t know how to raise me, and honestly I just hate being around them and it was in the house I grew up in and it was just really uncomfortable. Not to mention that my dad exists to make me miserable. But my mom thought things were going really well and she was actually feeling great when we went home, only to find that my cousin posted the picture she took while my mom watched her take it, and tagged everyone in it except my mom. And it made my mom upset and excluded and all of those feelings which made me really upset bc no one gets to ever fucking make my mother feel that way. She deserves better. Quite honestly, I deserve better, but I don’t care enough about myself for that.

My two best friends in the entire world deserve better too. The one I talked about earlier has a lot of dumb family drama and it’s been a hell of a lot worse lately, and there’s nothing real I can do to help her besides talk about how nice it’ll be when we have an apartment together. It’s not very reassuring since I don’t even have a job yet. And her birthday is coming soon and her family is just remaining shitty as if she’s not about to turn eighteen which should be huge and exciting. And my other best friend goes through a lot and I just can only help her so much through text but she lives in another country so there’s literally nothing more I can do to help her. It’s the worst feeling in the world, to want to fix something or help someone and literally being unable to do it.

I’m really lonely. I still haven’t told my mom about my ptsd and I’ve kind of been closed off because I don’t want to tell her anymore. My best friend lives in another country, my other has a job, and my only other real friend now is moving into a dorm soon. Those are my people and they’re amazing people and I love them with everything in me but it’s just like, there’s something missing. I guess I was really in love with this guy that broke my heart and it’s not even him anymore, it’s just that I miss that feeling. I’m tired of being alone. And almost all of my trauma is from my ex, so being in a healthy relationship is literally the only thing that works best to heal and shit bc it replaces the bad memories with good ones. My therapist says if I do that enough it should blot them out a lot, and it’s worked so fucking well with my friends that I’m just dying for it to happen romantically. I’ve been having more flashbacks and nightmares again bc my ex is back in town and it’s just looming over my head. And just bc all of my mental health is getting worse. And I have a lot of methods to cope now that are helping, but there was something about my recent ex that just helped. Like, I had a flashback once and he wrapped his arm around me and that was all it took to calm me down. It was just the feeling of being with someone in that way that was safe and comfortable and it was something I’d never felt before and idk if I’m a junkie for it or if I miss it or what but I don’t know how to really get better without that happening. And it’s going to take so much time for that to actually be able to happen again and it’s just killing me ig. I’ve also jumped into this self destructive state where I’ve convinced myself that I want or even need to see my ex again for like closure or some bullshit, as if I don’t know the fucking panic I would go through even if we stayed forty feet away from each other the entire time.

My life has gotten so quiet and depressed recently that I’ve stopped listening to music most of the time, which is like ridiculously sad. And concerning. Music is literally the thing in this world that means the most to me that I care the most about and I just don’t fucking care about it right now. I don’t feel like I have the mental energy. I have no idea why or what’s wrong with me but you know what? It’s terrifying me.

I’ve been drowning all of my problems in fanfiction like nobody’s business. It’s wildly problematic bc I’m burying my feelings, I’m not doing anything bc on the days I don’t read all day I’m sleeping all day bc I read all night. I haven’t written anything for my novel in a month now and I’m very aware of it but I couldn’t be bothered to work on it, which is bad bc I’m about two weeks away from missing my second goal for it and I’ll beat myself up a lot once I start having feelings again. (Funnily enough I’m going numb again now that I’m getting all of my emotions out here.) I’ve deadass cancelled plans with myself and other people to read the fanfiction. And like it’s great fucking fanfiction but it’s getting far passed even the term unhealthy. In fact, I literally started crying during my panic attack earlier because I’d convinced myself Wade Wilson was so real that when reality hit I couldn’t handle it. It’s like I was using Wade comforting Peter (Parker, its Spideypool) as my own emotional comfort in that kind of relationship way I’ve been missing. And even knowing he’s not real I’ve been taking a lot of comfort knowing he would beat the shit out of my ex if he ever met him. But yeah I’ve been channeling myself through their relationship and living through it and it’s been one of my most incredible acts of escapism yet, and then I realized I don’t actually have someone to hold me when I break and reality crashed onto me so much fucking harder. And I think it’s also that I know Wade’s character enough to trust him and so I’ve become a fictional characters emotional leech and I let it get so intense unintentionally that I literally couldn’t handle the reality that didn’t have him in it. This kind of makes me sound crazy lmao. Funnily enough, I used to have breakdowns like this a lot whenever I got way too into my escapism. But usually it was just a lot of sadness - the only other time I had one at this level was when I started to realize that my entire fantasy universe wasn’t going to come to life when I grew up. Basically, I had a very intense childhood but like fuck i was lonely back then and I guess I must be that lonely now. At least this time I’m creating fake significant others instead of having only imaginary friends.

My therapist and I haven’t been able to meet much over the summer and it’s been enough for me to pull back and make my issues seem better than they are, which is probably a lot of the reason I’m suddenly a fucking mess. Luckily for me, she’s gone this week so I won’t get to see her 🙃. But anyway, I think I got everything out and I definitely feel like this helped. I needed to vent in a way I haven’t done in a while. I’ve also been being misgendered a LOT on my recent trips and it’s all by family which affects me worse bc they know my identity and don’t work to correct themselves. So that’s not helping. And it might be almost 3 am now but I’m definitely diving straight back into fanfiction for awhile longer before going to bed. I can admit I’ve taken it way over the top but escapism is my bitch for a reason and I’m not giving up on it now. I think I am gonna try to make some sort of note for my therapist so that I don’t keep talking about my issues like they’re better than they are. I always do it but with her it’s a problem lmao. Oh, I’m also avoiding sleep tonight bc I don’t want nightmares. So there’s that gem. I turn 18 in 15 days and I’ve stopped making plans bc I literally don’t care anymore. Taking stock on the things I’ve stopped caring about, I’m literally a huge fucking mess and I didn’t even realize. Oh! And I’ve also started having a lot of self esteem issues bc it’s hot outside and my stretch marks on my thighs show with my shorts on. That hasn’t been a problem for me in years.

Anyway, I think I’m finally done now. I seriously doubt anyone read all the way through this long ass vent, but on the off chance that you did, thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. I hope you’re having a better time than I am, you deserve all of the good things and I hope you’re getting all of them and more. Please have a good morning, day, or night. Stay hydrated and do something nice for yourself bc you deserve it! All my love 💕

Chris xx

[butwhatistrue]

Okay so I was debating whether to talk about this publicly on tumblr.. bc at least Turtle knows the person in question somewhat.. and the person in question doesn’t have tumblr so it seems a little mean to talk about them “behind their back”, but I also really need to talk about this..

Turtle, please don’t read this!

Okay so today I met Trashpanda. Trashpanda is Fox’s alter, bc they have DID (dissociative identity disorder). Trashpanda is a guy who’s a couple years younger than Fox. He seems pretty chill. He helped me color my hair brown for my upcoming internship where they asked me to please get rid of the blue. I had planned for Fox to do that, but they kinda.. switched.. the day before yesterday, and  Trashpanda isn’t entirely sure when Fox’s coming back. He felt that they may have needed a break from fronting, and Emma did tell me they were feeling kind of “existentially tired” which tends to happen when they front for a long while. 

Anyways so. Trashpanda is at my apartment. And at some point he looks at me and goes: 

“So. You and Fox. You are a thing huh? How did that happen?”

And I kinda panicked. Because. Sure, we went on a date, and talked a bit about relationships and stuff. But are we a “thing”??? And I kinda realized Fox probably thinks we’re kind of.. dating? In a relationship of sorts??

And how could I talk to Trashpanda about all this?? 

The one I really need to talk to is FOX, but they’re fucking.. lost.. in the ether?? I mean. I don’t know. Ahhhhhhhhh

A friend on a Discord server summed up my situation after talking a bit more indepth about it really well: 

"It's kind of like they have invaded your personal bubble by expanding theirs much too fast, and now it's encompassing you, which makes them think the bubble is just shared now, which isn't true." 

like...exactly..  and it happens for me all the time. Everyone always tells me: "I don't know what it is about you... I never told anyone this before... but there's just something about you". And they they think our relationship is two-ways-special, but it’s really only special to them (so far).

It takes me A LONG TIME to form an emotional connection with someone. Sure, I’m good at pretending until that happens, but that means that if someone moves in with other emotions, and I’m unclear on mine, I may just kind of mirror theirs... and that leads to situations like this, where I suddenly realize that I am entering something romantic and I wasn’t completely aware or prepared...

I think I need to take a step back.. it's not that I necessarily don't want to see them.. but it's just.. moving way too quickly on their part, and there's no way I'll catch up if we don't both take a step back...

And I desperately need to tell this to FOX, but they’re not available!! It could be a week before they come back, based on what they told me of how they function. 

And in the mean-time I need to make friendly with Trashpanda, or he’ll think I don’t like him, which is not the point of anything.

But also. This means I have two, rather than just one, new people in my life. Overwhelming, much?? 

I understand at least two of my dreams tonight quite well. The one about being removed from the body and being a different “me”, while “I” was basically in a coma, must have been in response to the DID. It’s definitely freaking me out on an existential level. And the one with all the animals showing up on my doorstep that I couldn’t keep track of probably deals with me being overwhelmed by a bunch of new people entering my life.

I know that I always say that I’m lonely.... But I guess I also kind of.. value being alone??

I dunno. On paper it would be ideal to have a relationship with Fox bc 1) they live close by and are motivated to see me, so when I’m lonely I have someone to hang out with and 2) they are willing to explore sexual things with me at a super slow pace, if I feel comfortable with it, which I’ve kind of been looking for.

But.... my emotions? I don’t fucking have a clue, mate. 

Doesn’t help that I feel like they’ve fallen for a false image of who I am.

They told me to be very honest, please, and I am a fan of open communication, so now that I realize all these things I want to tell them...

But they’re NOT HERE.

my god...

[Special message to Turtle if you read this anyways: I totally understand, I’m a curious fucker myself. BUT. Fox probably didn’t intend for you to have this information, and they will probably pretend to be one person towards you if you talk to them, so please don’t ever bring this up!!!!! As far as you are concerned, Fox is the one who did my hair, though there’s no need to even bring that up. Please keep this information strictly to yourself!! Thank you ^^ If you read it, please comment and let me know, I promise I won’t be mad, but I’d like to know.]

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

it’s been a while. again. but i am getting better at writing more again.

i think i feel really lost and confused.

i think i really miss jeanne and andrew and sofia and david. i miss being with people i dont really need to think with. sometimes it’s awkward but usually it’s fun. we can just chill and laugh together and talk about whatever and be blunt and unfiltered and it’s okay. we express concerns and listen intently to one another and when push comes to show, we’re there for each other. i just wish i could be there for them more.

i think ive been trying really hard to be there for people bc it’s my job to do so or bc i feel like i need to in order to be enough. to be accepted and a part of the community when in reality, it hasnt been helping anyone. i havent been genuine and i do want to be. 

this past week, even though it may not seem like it, ive been trying to take a step back. i did stay for a bit on sunday but i didnt stay to play soccer with everyone. im tired of trying so hard to force myself into the community. i just want it to happen organically. nothing good will come of it if i just try and force it. honestly, i felt kind of hurt that david and joyce didnt want to share their struggles with me bc i thought we were close but i also needed to remind myself that if i really love them, i would just want the best for them. whether or not that includes me in the picture. and ive been constantly trying to remind myself of that. of course, i want to hangout with them more. of course, i want to be closer with them. but at the end of the day, i just want to serve them bc i care for them so much. i am so beyond grateful that I can witness and experience God’s love in my own life and what a gift it is indeed. 

so often, people confide in my deep feelings and secrets and im generally pretty good at not breaking that trust. but every time in those instances, i want to share the love of God with them but I don’t want them to just think im taking advantage of them or exploiting their feelings. i want them to know that im sharing bc i genuinely care and only want the best for them.

i started chatting with a woman in the Ravenclaw group who felt alone and was seeking help. and i think i was able to help just by being there for her and listening to her and letting her know im here. and i felt afraid to share. but honestly, what do i have to lose? this is some random lady to whom i have no mutual friends with. i dont even know where she lives or how old she is or anything about her and she doesnt know anything about me either. all we know are the deep things we’ve shared with each other. i have nothing to lose if she turns against me as a result of me sharing my faith. and ultimately, God is in control. Not me. Nothing I say will bring her to Christ. It is only through Christ that that is possible. The best I can do is pray for her. She is so broken and lost and confused and doesn’t know what to do. I am so limited in my own understanding and knowledge and I can only help so much. But what I can do is share the good news with her. So without thinking about what I was saying I did. And she hasn’t responded. I don’t know how she took it. Maybe shes crying on her knees in worship to God. Maybe she was super turned off by the sudden religious turn I made and doesn’t want to make to me anymore. Regardless, I shared the gospel with her. And I can only hope I was able to help. But from here, it is all in God’s hands. The best I can do is to just be used by Him and serve in whatever way I can.

When I hangout with my school friends, I’m a way worse person. I gossip a lot more and feel angry and triggered much more often. But it’s easy. I always want to defend Mulan whenever we shit on her but I’m always afraid of being outcasted. I’m stepping down from e-board anyway though so what do I have to lose? But I was hanging out with them yesterday and I defended Mulan and we all felt a lot calmer after that. After just trying to be understanding of her situation and what shes gone through. I want to share the gospel with her and push her to Christ but I am worried how she’ll react and slander my name. But that is to be expected in such a liberal environment. I just want to help in any way that I can.

As of late, I’ve been feeling frustrated and disappointed with myself and felt unworthy of love. Because I always know that I can do better. I can do more. If I just managed my time a little better or put a little more effort in or was a little more present or a little more involved or something. I know I can do better. But I don’t. I still sleep 7+ hours. I still eat out all the time. I still do all of these things that prevent me from doing better. I’ve been neglecting my schoolwork and my school friends. I’ve been neglecting my studies and responsibilities as a student just so I may better serve the church. And I think that is still important but I need to re-assess a lot. I don’t want to hangout with my school friends more just because it is easier and I have more in common with them. But at the same time, I do really enjoy it and I think I’m a lot happier when I can just relax. I do want to focus on investing more into my Christian Club friends and building a strong Christ-based community at my school before my time ends. I know that my school friends tend to be toxic and encourage alcoholism and smoking and 

And my heart really breaks for Finn. I want to share the love of God with them but I know that their mom disowned them because of their Catholic beliefs. I’m sure they feel extremely bitter towards God right about now because in their mind, He is the cause of their mother’s disapproval. And I can’t answer the topic of LGBTQ+ within a Christian context. But I just want to share the Father’s love with Him and just hope that God will speak volumes into their heart.

I’m worried about becoming an alcoholic because I am constantly looking for something to distract me from my own pain and suffering instead of turning my eyes to God. I’ve been using media to drown everything out. Watching endless YouTube videos that bring me no joy or satisfaction but distract me from my demons and the reality of the situation. And until I get over that, I will never be free from using alcohol as a clutch. I need to get into the habit of turning my eyes to God instead. And just trusting Him with everything I am. Honestly, I feel lonely. There aren’t many females to look up to or rely on at church. I do adore Jason and P. Josh and I want to be there for them too. But there are some things I can’t discuss with them and I don’t think we ever could go super deep because of the gender barrier. I’ve been sexually harassed on the train. I’m so much more afraid of being kidnapped and raped than I am of being killed. I want to reach out to the homeless but I know they could overpower me pretty easily and I’ve been too trusting in the past. And as guys, they don’t get that. I’m sad that Amanda is leaving because she’s the one person I could probably build this relationship with. But even when I have no one else and cannot rely on the people on Earth, I can always turn my eyes to God. 

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.   For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I was shook but this verse that we read during the conference call today and it has been recurring as of recent. I remember having to memorize it for retreat in middle school. I remember Loren sharing it with me after the Harvest festival. I remember reading into my Meyer’s Briggs personality verses. And here it was again. I remember these moments so clearly. I am weak and broken and imperfect and flawed. But through Christ, may I gain confidence and be used as holistically as I possibly can be. Through and by Him and through Him alone.

I was listening to Come as You Are before this and at first I was nervous that my new friend wouldn’t like it because of the voice or something but the more I listened to it, the more truly the words rang within me. And this is what I need to do. There is rest for the weary. There is no sin that Heaven can’t heal. I need to lay down my burdens and my shame. And just give it all up to God because I can’t do this without Him. I can’t. I want to help. I want to do all of these things. But it is only through and by Him that anything is possible.

God, this is my prayer to you. That you would continue to provide me with guidance back to the right path and that my heart would continue to break for what breaks yours.

Amen.

[peetaprimkatnissgale]

Get to know me tag!

I haven’t done one of these ever before so bless @theycallme-oona​ for tagging me :)

1. Are you named after someone? No, my mom has just loved the name Cheyenne (wow don’t think I’ve ever mentioned my full first name), I think ever since she heard it in a movie although I can’t remember which one

2. When was the last time you cried? I’m like the biggest crier I know, so it was just today, twice actually. The first was this morning when my softball team had a team meeting to address some issues and the second was this afternoon and I just kind of felt super overwhelmed at literally nothing? idk

3. Do you like your handwriting? I do actually! It’s by no means the neatest or the prettiest but I like how it’s like a hybrid of cursive and printing, it looks cool sometimes:)

4. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey. I am such a slut for turkey I swear

5. Do you have kids? Nope

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? I feel like since I really suck at communicating and I don’t really follow through with plans that would be a no, but I’m also super energetic in person, which I always love to be around energetic people personally, so I really don’t know.

7. Do you use sarcasm? All the time. It’s gotten kind of out of hand lately and my family and friends can hardly tell when I’m actually being serious anymore *laughs nervously*

8. Do you still have your tonsils? Nope, I had them taken out when I was young because they kept causing me to get strep throat and awful earaches

9. Would you bungee jump? Hell yes!! I love terrifying things (as long as they’re safe lol)

10. What is your favorite kind of cereal? It kind of changes all the time, but I think I’ll have to go with Golden Grahams because that’s the shit

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Not my everyday shoes, but I untie my volleyball/basketball shoes and softball cleats after practices and stuff because I wouldn’t be able to get my foot out otherwise (I wear my sports shoes tight ^.^)

12. Do you think you’re a strong person? I think this kind of depends on the what you’d consider strong I guess? Like I’m really good at controlling how I think about situations, so I can spin them in a positive light, but I’m shit at controlling how I show my emotions (as in I can’t keep myself from crying when I’m frustrated), but I’ve also learned to not be so harsh on myself? Like I used to make myself feel just awful about every little thing I messed up on or whatever, but I’ve really learned this year to just move onto the next thing and try to do better. I’ve also learned to just be myself around everyone instead of tailoring my image to what I think everyone wants me to be. So I guess if any of that is strong then, I guess so, yeah

13. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? This is an even heavier question than the last one, lol. But lately I’ve really been into the Reese’s ice cream made by Bryers I think? It’s just so good

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Eyes. God I love eyes.

15. Red or pink? Honestly I’m really not a fan of either, but I prefer like a dark red over most pinks

16. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? I absolutely hate my love handles, and I have ever since I was little. Love handles look fine and beautiful on anyone else, just not me.

17. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Black sweatpants and I’m not wearing shoes :P

18. What was the last thing you ate? A piece of cinnamon bread I baked yesterday

19. What are you listening to right now? The humming sound of my refrigerator and the constant meowing of one of my cats

20. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Majestic Mountain Purple just because it’s the only super specific Crayola name I know (and it’s super pretty)

21. Favorite smell? I love the smell of outside. Just like in the woods, or in a flower garden, or what have you. I just love nature man

22. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? My mom to make sure she didn’t forget to pick me up from practice bc my lazy ass hasn’t gotten her license yet

23. Favorite sport to watch? I love love love and have always loved watching figure skating. It’s a lot of the reason I watched YOI honestly

24. Hair color? Brown, but I don’t know how to describe it exactly. It’s like kind of chestnuty but also kind of a light chocolate color

25. Eye color? This has been a question that has plagued me for literally years. I genuinely don’t know if they’re green or if they’re hazel, bc there’s kind of a little ring of brown in the center, but it’s not very prominent, and the rest is like a boring green color

26. Do you wear contacts? I do, and I’ve had them since 8th grade

27. Favorite foods to eat? I really love anything that involves pasta and/or chicken

28. Scary movies or comedy? this one’s kind of a toss up because I love scary movies but I haven’t had the chance to watch many of them yet, but I also love to laugh at a good comedy

29. Last movie you watched? I still haven’t watched it all the way through, but I watched part of Finding Dory

30. Summer or winter? Winter all the way baby. I’d so much rather be cold than hot.

31. Hugs or kisses? HUGS

32. What book are you currently reading? I have had zero time to read lately, so I’ve been halfway through the Last Star (the 3rd in the 5th Wave trilogy) for months now, but I just finished the Midnight Star (the last of the Young Elites trilogy)

33. Who do you miss right now? Anyone who would give me affection if we’re being perfectly honest im so lonely it actually hurts

34. What is on your mouse pad? I don’t have one but if I did it would probably be a pretty sunset or a nature image bc that’s what is always on my calendars

35. What is the last TV program you last watched? 13 Reasons Why on Netflix with my best friend 

36. What is the best sound? Laughter. Specifically that of my 9-year-old brother, it’s like still a baby’s laugh and he just hasn’t grown out of it (I hope he never does). But laughter is the best. 

37. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? I’m honestly not really a fan of either, sorry :/ But I do appreciate the fact that The Beatles have an almost-pun in their name, which I didn’t figure out until like 4 years ago but that’s alright

38. What is the furthest you have ever traveled? I literally have never been out of my state for more than 5 minutes, so like 3 hours?

39. What’s your special talent? Keeping my obsessions a secret from my classmates for so long

40. Where were you born? Born and raised and stuck here in Ohio for the past 17 years :P

I have always wanted to do one of these, so thank you again Oona for tagging me! @myfriendmagislit @phancraftings