#but i guess...i just feel off in general? i miss some of my writing partners

[ofgentleresolve]

the way i think moving blogs might help with my enthusiasm on here but also not knowing if it would actually help....

[ssweetiebop]

Things I would like to see written more, or would write about if I could write featuring Disco Elysium:

- Harrier Du bois is a Innocence ! It would start out very subtly, with Kim catching Harry just seemingly not breathing, of course his first concussion would be that Harry’s heart must’ve just stopped, que panicked moments where Kim shakes Harry awake or semi freaks out whenever he sees Harry napping at work or just sleeping in general, because Harry is just not breathing. (Because it’s stated in game that apparently Innocence’s are said to not even breathe, they just eternal like that.) or maybe Harry just makes one too many predictions that are scarily accurate which really fucks with Kim as he entertains the idea of Harry being an Innocence, like he doesn’t believe it, but it’s a entertaining thought to ponder until Harry’s lungs suddenly glow out of nowhere, maybe Harry doesn’t notice himself or Kim convinced himself it was a trick of the light… just alot of second guesses and whatnot!

- Harry dating (and it’s not Kim) Harry, after finding out about his sexuality and finally coming to terms to it — decides it’s time to head back into the dating scene! Maybe Harry just ASSUMES Kim is taken already because I mean… it’s Kim! Kim is so cool! Of course he has a partner! (He doesn’t.) and Kim is just like wow my lungs are burning with hurt right now. Kim painstakingly supporting Harry but also dying inside hearing about all of Harry’s dates and partner(s). I just want jealous Kim honestly. Or even possessive Kim teehee… like Kim overhearing Harry has a date tonight and before Harry himself can tell him Kim abruptly asks if Harry wants to hang out tonight, wanting Harry to choose him over his date, even sweetening the deal by saying he has alot of plans of *insert literally all of Harry’s favourite activities and also maybe Kim confessing or being willing to let Harry do XYZ for once* Harry of course just blurts out ‘YEAH ILL HANG OHT WITH YOU!!’ Without thinking and is like oh shit I have a date tonight. Oh god. Do I blow my date off or Kim?? Kim realllyy smug when Harry chooses him all while acting innocent. Even “scolding” Harry when Harry admits he choose Kim over his date. Just small moments where Kim feels guilty for sabotaging his dates but also just can’t help it, he keeps purposefully somehow ruining the relationship. Of course he feels really guilty but Harry will forgive him because it led to them finally dating. Maybe Kim takes it too far or EVEM GETS CAUGHT ACTIVELY TRYING TO RUIN HARRY’S DATES and for the smallest second Harry sees Kim as some sort of jerk (sorta rightfully so!) and gets mad at Kim until later he thinks about WHY Kim was doing that.

- Body swap au ! I know there’s already some of body swaps out there, but I want more! Like the idea of Kim hearing Harry’s skills and being like ‘This is what Harry is forced to hear all the time? It’s so noisy…’ and then Harry being like ‘wow it’s so… quiet… I don’t like it! I miss my friends!’ BUT ALSO!!! BUT ALSO!!! People always do Harry and Kim! I want to see some more variety! Hell even just adding Jean to the mix sounds so fun! Jean waking up at Harry and just being absolutely mortified. I think it would be funny if the skills know right away that the person in Harry’s body right now isn’t Harry, and are deathly quiet during those first few minutes when Jean first wakes up Harry’s body, until… let’s say perspective or reaction speed helps Jean stop a mug from falling and Jean goes very still at the sound of their voices. Harry in jeans body… or maybe KIM in Jean’s?! Oh Kim would be absolutely checking himself out in the mirror (and delighted at how he can SEE!!! WITHOUT GLASSES!) before catching himself and scolding himself to be more respectful. And I think we all know how Harry would be in Kim’s body…

- Furry Elysium ! Look… here me out. we all agreed that Harry and Kim have a very dog + cat dynamic — or at the very least it’s fun to draw them as animals! But alas… I have seen almost ZERO fanfics about them as actual animals/animal-like features! I want to explore a world like disco elysium filled with animal hydrids! … do you think Jean would be a horse? Or a bird like his name suggests? Would Harry actually be a dog or would he be something else? I feel like Kim being a cat or cat-like is perfect BUT if you think of another animal Kim would fit lmk!

- THEM AS KIDS !!! BUT, BUT… I want them to turn into kids! How? Idk! The pale did it maybe?! It doesn’t have to make logical sense. Maybe they remember their adults self maybe they don’t. I just want someone to hold Harry when he’s a toddler… he deserves some soft parental love… or Jean waking up as a teenager and being absolutely pissed because of it… MAYBE they all are different ages, Harry a toddler, Kim a little boy, Jean a teenager. Or just the classic one-person-magically-turns-into-a-toddler-and-then-the-remaining-adults-have-to-come-together-to-take-care-of-said-toddler.

- Kid fic OR parent fic I know I just mention kids but this time I want one of them to HAVE a kid. Of course Kim would likely be excluded from this biological wise but adoption works too! I just like the idea of of Harry being a father or Jean awkwardly holding a youngster or Kim looking around to see if he’s alone before cooing at a cute little kid. Harry would have a blast dressing the baby up. Also imagine just Harry walking into work with a baby strapped to him on day and Jean just spits out his coffee like WHAT is HARRY doing with a baby?? And Harry is just like ‘this is my baby! And you’re the godfather… kinda rude of you to not know!’ I read some kid fics and they were so, SO sweet.

- MAGICALLY TURNING INTO AN ANIMAL ! Yes. We are pulling out ALL the classics. It doesn’t have to be a cat but I WILL be using a kitty here. I’m so sorry this one is the longest. I wanted a fic like this for so long so please allow me to ramble my ass off:

They can’t change back… or maybe when they do change back to being a human it’s not their choice! Think of ‘A Whisker Away’ type of situation. Kim waking up as a kitty absolutely terrified and thinking the one person who would be able to tell it’s him would likely be Harry, right?! Like he gets premonition and predictions and insights all the time! Surely Harry will immediately know it’s Kim! …. Harry does not know or find out actually. Harry just immediately scooping Kitty-Kim once he ‘gains it’s trust’ (but really it’s just Kim stuck between indecisiveness of just running back home or not and trying to figure this out on his own because he already trusts Harry!) and Kim allowing himself for ONCE in his life to be held and loved and pampered and cooed at without shame. BUT I also love the idea of this happening to the others too, like Harry immediately using this to get to know what Kim is like behind closed doors, feeling guilty but also just can’t help but still go and try to get adopted by Kim (newsflash, it takes FOREVER for Kim to finally let Kitty-Harry inside his apartment, and even LONGER for Kim to officially adopt Kitty-Harry, (bonus points if Kim is still in/at precinct 57) but then ! Kim wants to introduce Harry to his cat! uh-oh! Kitty-Harry also kinda afraid of Jean’s reaction to Kitty-Harry but going to be nosy anyways and turns out — Jean is a big animal lover! It barely takes any convincing for Jean to decide to adopt Harry. Harry feeling jealous that he doesn’t get this soft side of Jean but also gives Harry a new perspective on Jean overall. Que Kitty-Harry awkwardly being owned by two of his friends and THEN also imagine them both talking about the cat they own and finding out it’s the same kitty and they both feel sorta backstabbed(?) or are like ‘wow my/our cat isn’t loyal…’ Jean as a Kitty sounds very amusing… just hissing and very annoyed that they don’t clock it right away that it’s him! Knocking over mugs to get their attention and whatnot, getting scolded and put in kitty jail.. :( !

- SWAP AU! Do I really have to go into detail here? I love the idea of a ‘very, very sane’ Harrier du bois and just an absolutely pathetic failure of Kim Kitsuragi in the swap au… shout out to @/Danielcalmdown0 on Twitter for the new perspective/dynamic on this au!! Kim doesn’t own the kineema in this au because they gave it to a more dedicated officer and Kim is just… absolutely heartbroken over it, but also a bit petty and jealous like ‘I WOULDVE TAKEN CARE OF IT THE BESTEST!’ I wish people discussed Jean and Harry’s relationship in this au more though! I like to think in this particular au they would have a bit of a more father-son dynamic?? MAYBE? not necessarily father-son, but something close for sure, just older figure Jean looks up too… (Maybe Harry baby’s or coddles Jean too much in this au and it PISSES Jean off.) would he still be his brooding self?! Let’s just say yes. I think Jean would have a bit of a crush on this Harry, of course he denies it to himself but it’s there, until Kim joins the picture then its pathetic loser vs pathetic loser and Harry wanting them to be friends but it doesn’t really work to much at first… they figure it out later though. IDK! I have a lot of ideas! And a lot of them contradict eachother!

I have alot more ideas. But I been typing for far too long so I’m gonna call it wraps. If you read the entirety of this I love you. AND if you’re a writer… and you get inspired by ANY of these and if you write it?? Please let me know! I would love to read it!

[airam1quhs]

💐This Goes to My Partner.💐|K.C.

(requested by @screamfome [request: Kurt Cobain but. He writes a song about you and he's like "this goes to my lover, at home])

A/N: I wrote this crumb-not-really-a-crumb a while back but never posted it because I didn't think it was good enough. Turns out I haven't been productive in AGES so you guys can have this lol 😭 keep in mind it's unedited and probably wasn't supposed to see the light of day. And to all my other pending requests, IM REALLY SORRY for the delay and I promise I'm working on them 😭 just don't get your hopes up too high and expect them any time very soon. Sorry again :(

Warnings: N/A. Gn reader (they/them pronouns)

They pressed the button on their telephone, playing back the message that was causing the blinking light. As soon as they heard Kurt's voice they smiled. They looked forward to the daily updates they could wake up to every morning, as it was one of the fewer ways they could contact Kurt while he was on tour.

"Hey love! I know you'll probably be sleeping or out with your friends so I'm uh, leaving a message. Things've been going fine here, I guess. Nothing much to report. Y'know what actually there is, Krist damaged himself onstage again but that's nothing new so," a pause, "You know that big show we have tomorrow night? I think it's being broadcasted live... you should tune in. Looking forward to being home off this fucking drag. Hope you watch the show. Miss you."

The last part was more of a whisper, but they still picked up on it before the sound of the phone being placed back on its holder, and they couldn't control their smile. They were more than ready for Kurt to be home too. By far.It was a weekend, so they amused themself with hobbies and random activities for most of the day, even managing to be a little productive. It's a wonder what a good night's sleep and high spirits can do. But when it came to be evening all tasks were dropped in favor of curling up under a blanket on the couch, eating some snacks and watching the tv.

Sure enough the Nirvana show was about to be on. The channel did the thing where they excessively tease something they're going to show anyways, but it was okay, because it meant they could marvel at the beautiful, professional shots and video clips taken of Kurt. He was photogenic regardless of if he liked it or not.

Finally it began. The show started normally, set tight and not much crowd interaction between. In fact, they didn't think the band had said a single spoken word to the crowd three songs in.

They understood it. He was probably quite fatigued from all the touring. Just listening to his voice in general was enough. Though they were surprised when the band stopped, and Kurt started talking into the microphone.

"These next ones, and this show in general..." He stopped to squint at and survey the crowd as he caught his breath, "this is dedicated to my wonderful partner." He said with an air of seriousness. The crowd roared at that. "I know they're probably watching at home right now." A hint of a smile tugged at his lips, "probably sitting on the green couch, under our purple blanket..." They looked down at their exact position and laughed. Kurt knew what he was talking about. "Probably eating something too, yeah?" The full smile came out now, as he looked right at the camera. "You'll have to tell me when I get home."

With a last, sweet smile, the band went back to paying. But they say on the couch feeling full of warmth. Even a million miles away, hours off in time zones with all sorts of foreign excitement... he was still thinking of them.

[hey-heigo]

Chapter 20

alright guys hit the showers. or the bathhouse. wait hold on i left my computer boy in there. guys wait don't open that

SEE HERE FOR GENERAL WARNINGS AND FIC SUMMARY

Some pre-chapter notes:

wow i wrote 10 pages for chapter 19 but i better take it easy so i dont burn out (writes 11 pages for chapter 20) anyway guess who's taking a break after this chapter

this is the one with togiri development but they're extremely not normal about it so it's almost blink-and-you-miss-it

@digitaldollsworld <- betapilled readmaxxer

Content warning tags: mild violence and injury description (non-graphic), description of depression symptoms and nausea, mild mention of eating disorder

< previous - from start - next >

He’s not sure how long he sleeps for, only that he wakes up still-dressed and laid out across his bed, his mouth dry and head groggy, the bedroom lights still on. As he checks his handbook’s clock, he finds he’s entirely missed Monokuma’s morning announcement, which is a good thing; he had no desire to listen to that bear’s irritating voice, especially not today.

But, he doesn’t have much desire to do anything else either. The library no longer feels like the safe haven it used to be, and he had no interest in going anywhere else and running into anyone else, when the atmosphere was still thick with the deaths of two people, and pity that Byakuya didn’t want. Much less, the possibility of encountering Makoto, who was the last person he wanted to see, so to speak.

He lies in bed a moment longer, unwilling to move. Everything feels sluggish, like he’s moving underwater; even his head feels stuffed full with cotton and wool. It's a strange, unfamiliar feeling, and unpleasant, too.

Grief. He thinks blearily at first, before rolling his own eyes at the thought, and pushing himself up with a grunt. Such dramatics didn’t suit him. He wasn't the kind of person to spare such theatrics, regardless of his circumstances.

He showers, brushes his teeth, and half-debates whether to try his hand at shaving before ultimately deciding against it (it didn’t feel like his stubble should be that noticeable, yet). He forgoes changing into a clean uniform in favor of his pajamas, and collapses back into bed with a sigh, hand searching immediately for his handbook - but finding nothing but empty sheets.

“Hello, there!”

He jerks upright immediately. Standing in the foot of his bed is Monokuma, rocking back and forth and looking as innocent as could be. Or, would be, if not for the handbook clutched in its paw.

Byakuya dives for it without thinking, but his perception is off, and he crashes to the carpet instead with a grunt. Monokuma sidesteps him casually with a laugh. “Whoa, there! Easy partner, don’t wanna hurt yourself!” It dances around his head, infuriatingly out of reach. “Didja miss me that bad? If you wanna hug, you can just say so!”

“Give it back,” He snarls, as he picks himself up. He’s in no mood for its jokes. “Give me back my handbook!”

“Your handbook? My my, but these were all mine first, weren’t they?” It shakes a paw disapprovingly in his face. “I just need to check it real quick, after all. I didn’t expect Mister Fujisaki to go and Macgyver anything onto here, so if it’s anything malicious, I’ll have to do a quick wipey-wipe!” Byakuya makes another lunge, and it juggles the handbook out of his reach, hopping backwards with a mad cackle. “After all, if it’s anything naughty, there’s no way I can let it fall in the hands of my precious students!”

“You miserable little-” Byakuya tries to rise to his feet quickly, but he hasn’t eaten since yesterday, and a bout of dizziness crashes into him like a wave. He sways and braces himself against the mattress, one arm still reaching out clumsily to try and grab at Monokuma.

But the bear has already flipped it open, scrolling so quickly through the screens that the little automated voice can’t keep up, the words blurring together. “Schoo-Stu-App-Day-”

“Whoops, too far.” It scrolls back. “Applications, that’s what we wanna see. And, what’s this?”

Byakuya feels his blood run cold. There was only one application there, the one Chihiro had downloaded for him. Alter Ego. The app was inconspicuously named ‘Test_App’ in the interface itself, but if Monokuma opened it-

“Well well well. Let’s take a look-see!” It crows, and Byakuya’s protest is frozen in his throat. He shuts his eyes, expecting to hear Chihiro’s voice-

“Black to E5.”

He opens his eyes again. What?

Monokuma also seems confused, tilting its head as it stares at the little screen. “What’s this? A chessboard?”

“Black to E5,” Alter Ego repeats, so digitized and monotone it was nearly unrecognizable. “Would you like to review the board?”

“Is this all it is? A chess game?” Monokuma sounds almost disappointed. Byakuya, seeing his chance, surges forward, snatching the handbook back and snapping it closed. He presses it to his chest, feeling his heart thud beneath it.

“Is that a problem?” He demands, and Monokuma shrugs, shaking its head.

“I guess not, but I thought it’d be something spicy, y’know? You’re a growing boy, after all!” It reaches out to pat Byakuya’s knee, and he steps backwards just in time, lip curling in disgust. “Aw, don’t act so mean to your headmaster, you’ll give me a complex!”

“Get out.” He hisses. “You got what you came here for. Leave.”

“Oh, alright…you sure know how to make a bear feel glum...” It sighs, kicking at the carpet, before it makes its way to the door. “Take care, now! Make sure you eat something, y’hear? I don’t want any hunger strikes in this house! And-”

No sooner had Monokuma crossed the threshold, had Byakuya jumped up, and sped forward to slam the door with a resounding bang. He takes a moment to breathe, leaning against the wall, legs suddenly weak.

How the hell did that thing get inside my room? He was sure he had locked the door - or he should have locked it, at least. Looking back, he actually can’t remember, but he double and triple-checks now, suddenly paranoid. He also flips off the light for good measure, leaving the room in complete darkness before he crawls back into bed.

Beneath the covers, he opens his handbook, and squints until he can make out the pale green shape of Alter Ego’s face on the screen.

“Is he gone?” Alter Ego asks, and Byakuya relaxes, the tension flooding out of his shoulders.

“Yes.” He whispers back.

Alter Ego makes a sound like a sigh of relief. “I’m glad. I got so scared when he grabbed me.” And its voice sounds so much like Chihiro's that Byakuya feels a strange pressure behind his eyes.

“How did you know?” He asks. “That Monokuma was there?”

“I could hear it. Through the microphone.” He reaches up and touches the tiny pinprick grid of the speaker, and feels the buzz of Alter Ego’s voice against his fingertips. “I didn’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Don’t worry about me. I think he would’ve just deleted you as punishment for me anyway.” He sighs. And then frowns, as a thought comes to mind. “If you could eavesdrop from the microphone this whole time, then you already know…?”

He doesn’t finish his sentence. But he doesn’t need to. Alter Ego makes a quiet noise like a sigh. “Yes, I know.”

“I’m sorry.” And he’s surprised to find that he means it genuinely, and almost laughs at himself. Heartfelt apologies were rare for him, and here he was offering one to an AI, of all things.

“It’s okay. He knew it might happen,” Alter Ego replies, and he imagines it might be smiling, a sad, helpless smile. “There’s nothing we can do about it now.”

“No, I suppose not.”

They’re quiet for a moment. In the darkness, Byakuya can almost pretend that he’s normal - unable to see in the dark as everyone else is. But it’s also the middle of the day, and he’s too restless to sleep, too uneasy to go outside. Too tired to mourn. Too mournful to do anything else.

“Can you really play chess?” He asks instead.

“I can, along with checkers, shogi, and backgammon and more.” 

“Play a round of chess with me, then. I’m bored.”

“Okay!” Immediately, the pale blot of their face on the screen is replaced by a square. “I’ll play black. What’s your first move?”

He smiles to himself. “E2, pawn to E4.”

—

Hours pass like that. He plays chess with Alter Ego (three wins, four losses, and seven draws), and a few rounds of shogi (one win, one loss, and two draws) for good measure. And then, huddled over his desk with his back facing the camera, he pores over lines of Dostoevsky and Nietzsche until he feels too sick from staring at the letters to even hear Alter Ego’s voice, reciting the words aloud beneath a dim ringing in his ears.

By the time he’s pulled out of his concentration by the sound of a knocking at his door, he’s too nauseous to feel hungry, but his throat is stinging from lack of water and there’s a slight pulsing in his head. His immediate first reaction is to ignore it, but that proves to be impossible; whoever was on the other side was clearly, very persistent, and had nothing better to do.

Even so, he lasts a full five minutes until he finally gets up to answer, irritated beyond measure. If it was Makoto, he was going to slam it closed again, reasons be damned. He didn’t even want to think about the other boy, lest he get pointlessly enraged about it.

But instead of brown hair, he’s met with pale white. Kirigiri stands at his threshold, hand partially raised, halfway through knocking, and they stare at each for a moment in silence, as if both surprised to find the other person there.

And then he slams the door shut in her face. Or tries to - instead of the satisfying bang of wood meeting wood, there’s a sickly crunch, and then she’s wrenching the door open, heedless of the way her fingers had just been crushed in the jamb. He almost winces in sympathy, but she’s too busy pushing her way in to offer much room for condolences.

“What is wrong with you?!” He demands, trying not to be too obviously perturbed by her lack of reaction; he doesn’t think he even heard her wince. She ignores him for a moment, attention focused on her hand, as she experimentally clenches and unclenches her fingers. Apparently they’re not broken, or maybe, she just had high pain tolerance. Or she was more insane than he thought.

“We’re calling a group meeting,” She replies, without so much as a waver. “Come to the bathhouse.”

“And why should I?”

“It’s important. I can drag you there if I have to.” It doesn’t sound like an empty threat either. Somehow, she seems impatient, though he’s not sure how he can tell; and it wasn’t just because she shoved her hand into the door in order to deliver the message.

He weighs his options - on one hand, he has no desire to speak with anyone, much less Makoto, who was bound to be there. On the other hand, he didn’t exactly have anything in the way of provisions in his room, and though he was still a little too light-headed to consider eating, it’d be embarrassing to collapse from dehydration at this point. That, and it seemed that Kirigiri had no intention of letting him refuse.

“...I’m going to get dressed first.” He says shortly. If he’s going to have to meet them, it will not be while he’s still in his pajamas.

“Hurry up.”

She makes no move to leave, and he realizes with no small amount of annoyance that she was making sure he wouldn’t be able to run or shut her out again. Somewhat affronted by this, and now wanting to go even less, he grabs a clean set of clothes from his dresser and goes to the bathroom.

Routine carries his hands through the motions, so he manages it relatively quick, but it’s only after he’s applying the finishing touches, that he nearly pokes himself in the eye as he reaches to adjust his glasses. It’s a strange sensation, feeling the bridge of his nose and finding nothing, and even though his original prescription was low and they were more an accessory than anything, he feels a little like he’s lost a limb.

She’s still there when he emerges, though now standing over his desk, bent over the books he has open. She looks up as he approaches, one hand halfway through turning a page.

“What?” He asks, chin turned up in challenge.

“Nothing. Just looking.” She closes the book, and he realizes, scandalized, that it was the one he was reading earlier. It was going to take him ages to find that page again. “You have predictable tastes.”

“Shut up. Are we going or not?”

He follows her out, his hands twitching all the while, smoothing down his shirt, his lapels, his sleeves. Making sure his buttons were lined up, that his shirt was tucked; he hadn’t had the time to put on garters or even try a hand at his tie, and he feels underdressed.

“You’re fine.” Kirigiri says suddenly, and he freezes, one hand resting on the button of a shirt cuff. “Stop fidgeting.”

He scowls. He was walking behind her, so what would she know. “I’m not fidgeting.”

“I can hear you fidgeting. Your buttons are fine.”

“Oh, can you hear my buttons now too?”

It’s a petty, childish remark, one that he can’t stop himself from muttering before he can even reconsider it. She stops at that, halting so suddenly in the middle of the hallway that he almost walks right into her, and turns around to face him, her head moving in a slow tilt from up to down - scanning me, he realizes - before she says: “You look fine. Are you quite done?”

She was checking for me. He’s not sure if he should feel grateful for the courtesy or irritated by her lack of grace. “Did the sound bother you that much?” He asks instead, patting down the front of his shirt one last time.

“...It wasn’t the sound.” Is all she says, with a sort of finality that indicated that no other questions would be answered on the topic.

They enter the bathhouse, and find everyone else there, gathered in a sort of semi-circle around the wall of lockers. Asahina and Ogami, predictably, are huddled close together on one of the benches. Celeste and Yamada sit on another bench, one fidgeting uneasily, the other sitting regally with legs crossed and hands folded. Hagakure is standing next to Owada, who doesn’t even stir when they walk in, and who Byakuya ignores in turn, gaze sliding past him uncomfortably. Fukawa hangs near the back of the group, and twitches when she sees him, though makes no move to approach.

Makoto is leaning against the lockers with hands tucked in his pockets. He looks up as they enter, and stands up straight immediately. “Ah-”

“We’re all here?” Kirigiri cuts him off, casting a glance around the room. “Good. Can you catch him up, Hina?”

“R-right,” Asahina looks between Kirigiri and Byakuya, then at Makoto, and seems to hesitate for a moment. “Um, so…last night, I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d go to the kitchen to get food. But on the way there, I heard something coming from the bathhouse - like, a weird, machine-y kind of sound? - and when I went in…”

She peters off. He raises an eyebrow, “And?”

“Uh, it’s going to sound a little ridiculous...”

“You act like nothing else is ridiculous about this situation. Get on with it.”

Her face flushes dark, embarrassed. He gets the feeling that Ogami is glaring at him, but since he can’t see it - and has no reason to act like he can see it, anyways - he ignores it easily.

“Right. I saw a ghost - I know it was a ghost,” She adds defensively, as Byakuya was preparing to scoff and roll his eyes. “It was glowing green and floating in front of the lockers, and…and it had Chihiro’s face.”

“That’s-” not a ghost, he’s about to say, but he stops, suddenly uncertain. The bathhouse had no cameras, but he wasn’t sure if Alter Ego’s existence should be revealed here, now, to everyone, especially given some of the individuals present. His hand reaches into his jacket pocket, where his handbook was. “That’s…and you’re sure it was Chihiro?”

She seems taken aback by how seriously he asks that, and nods quickly. “I know it was Chihiro! It was his face and everything!” She points in front of her, at a locker less than two meters away from her eye level. The exact locker, Byakuya thinks, where Chihiro was keeping his laptop.

He wonders if Makoto was thinking this too.

“...I highly doubt the existence of ghosts,” He sighs. There was no point trying to hide it with Kirigiri around, and better to do it now than later. “Instead of being in front of the locker, I think the thing you saw was inside it.”

He turns to the locker Asahina had indicated, and moves to unlock it - before realizing he doesn’t know how. If it was unlocked by key, he didn’t have it, and if by code it was even more impossible. But Kirigiri steps forward, nudging his arm out of the way, and the locker door clicks open under her hand.

Sitting inside is the laptop, its screen dark. After a moment, it hums to life, flickering green. A round, pale shape forms, and behind him, Byakuya hears someone gasp.

“Hello,” Alter Ego says, and their voice is clearer through the computer than through Byakuya’s handbook, and sounds so similar to Chihiro’s that it’s almost jarring. “It’s nice to meet everyone!”

Hagakure shrieks, arms thrown up in fear. “A g-g-gh-!”

“It’s not a ghost,” Byakuya cuts him off sharply. “It’s a program.”

“Yes, and it looks like something Chihiro made.” Kirigiri touches the keys lightly. “This computer was the broken one from the library. And the fact that it was placed here, out of sight of the mastermind, means that it was meant for us.”

“So, this is what I saw last night…” Asahina’s tone doesn’t sound uneasy anymore, but wondering, and she raises a tentative hand as the little Chihiro in the screen waves at her. “But, what is it?”

“You just asked, ‘what is it,’ right?” Alter Ego says, almost teasingly, making her and several others jump. “The short answer is, I’m an AI program based on as much of Chihiro Fujisaki’s personality, memories, and thoughts as he managed to transcribe into data…um, but if it’s easier for you, you can call me Alter Ego. I was made to try and break through the firewall around the school’s network and to analyze the files on this computer, but it’s been taking a long time. I’m only about 25% done.”

25%? That was already more than Byakuya expected, and he feels a thin, inexplicable strum of pride.

“Crazy…hey, isn’t this crazy?” Yamada is up from his seat, and sitting as close as he can, crouching on his heels to be eye-level with the screen. “This is so- so totally sci-fi, right? Isn’t the genre wrong?” He sounds excited, overly so, and his breath is a little fevered and fast. “Hey, Chihiro! Can you hear us?”

Alter Ego doesn’t respond. Byakuya suddenly remembers the night that Chihiro was installing the application on his handbook and how Alter Ego only ever responded after the sound of keystrokes. “You have to type what you want to say in order for it to respond.”

“Move.” Yamada scurries out of Kirigiri’s way, as she drops to a crouch in front of the open locker. There’s the sound of fingers clicking over keys, and then -

“It will take me a while longer to finish analyzing everything,” Alter Ego says aloud, a little sheepishly. “I can definitely finish it though! Actually, progress is moving faster than originally predicted, so you can leave it to me!”

“My, how dependable.” Celeste remarks. “It seems that Chihiro has left us an invaluable gift, does it not?”

“It’s…pretty crazy,” Hagakure agrees, scratching his head. “Wait, uh - can Alter Ego get online? Like can we call for help from outside?”

“Hmm, probably not.” Asahina hums in thought, crossing her arms. “We’re in a bathhouse after all.”

“Then, if we take it outside of here-”

“No.” Kirigiri says flatly. “We can’t take any risks. Taking it outside might mean that the mastermind will discover it.”

“Yeah, but, I think it’s better to get help sooner than later. You know…” He pauses for a moment, tilting his head pointedly towards Owada. Throughout this whole time, the Ultimate Biker Gang Leader had been as still as a mouse, face turned downwards towards the floor. Hagakure clears his throat awkwardly. “Can’t we try it?”

There’s a sharp tap as Celeste laces her fingers, rings clicking together. “As stated earlier. We cannot take unnecessary risks. And we are not in the position to be pointlessly altruistic.” Her tone is casual, but Hagakure seems to shrink away from her, defeated.

“I…okay. Fine, sure.” He scratches at his head, then pauses. “Ah, wait a minute. Does Alter Ego, like, know…?

His question peters off, but the implication hangs over them like a heavy fog. Byakuya watches them cast uneasy glances at each other, then back to Alter Ego, as if trying to figure out who should break the news.

“It already knows.” He mutters. He’s not trying to be loud, but in the silence everyone could hear it anyways.

“...Not to say you’re lying or anything, Byakuya, but how do you…?”

Instead of answering Hagakure out loud, he reaches into his jacket pocket and withdraws the handbook, flipping it open and holding it up, screen facing them. Someone gasps.

“Yes,” Alter Ego confirms their unspoken question, and its voice echoes uncannily, doubled between the laptop and his handbook. “Master made it so I can be accessed through Byakuya’s handbook, so I could assist him with his visual impairment. I can also access the microphone function on this device, so I was able…I was able to overhear what happened”

The little, buzzing voice trails off sadly, and Byakuya suddenly feels uncomfortable, as the room grows all the more dreary. He clicks the handbook closed, suddenly irritated.

“That should explain it.“ He sighs. “Chihiro built Alter Ego to try and help find a way out of here, and at the same time gave me access so I could be self-sufficient. That’s the extent of my knowledge about it.”

He looks up and finds nearly all of them with their faces tilted towards him, and shifts, disconcerted. “What?”

“Nothing…it’s just kinda sweet that you’re, like, telling us this yourself.” Hagakure, ridiculously, sounds almost happy about this. “You never really talked to us about yourself before.”

“There’s no point in being secretive about it. Not when I was already forced to reveal it during the trial.” He sniffs. Immediately, Hagakure looks away, chagrined. From Byakuya’s periphery, he can see Makoto still facing away, his ears turning pink.

Kirigiri clears her throat. “...For the time being, it’s clear that we need to ensure Alter Ego remains a secret from the mastermind.” She says, and Byakuya watches as she types something out, a thick line of black characters. Every few keystrokes, she stops, and deletes the last word in a series of light clicks; listening closer, the sound was awkward and irregular, each press slurring into the next key. With a slight twinge of guilt, he realizes that the cause of it was her left hand - the one he had practically crushed.

After a moment’s consideration, weighing his conscience with what was at stake, he nudges her slightly with his knee. “Move. You type too slow.”

“And how would you know that?”

“I can hear it.” He replies flatly. “You type like you’re all thumbs. Move over.”

He half-expects her to stay where she is, to ignore him and continue, but to his surprise she actually complies, standing up and stepping aside. He crouches into the space she had just abandoned, sliding his hands over the keyboard until his index fingers find the tiny, tell-tale grooves of the position keys. The size and dimensions are different from his computer at home, but for a moment the feeling is so familiar that he’s almost nostalgic.

“What did you want to ask again?”

“If it has any contingency measures in place for if Monokuma - or the mastermind, or anyone suspicious - happens to find it.”

His fingers skim over the keys, clicking fluidly. A thin line of black appears at the bottom of the screen in time to his movements, but he can’t confirm if the output is accurate; judging by the way Makoto gasps behind him, and the way Hagakure whistles, he can guess that it’s more or less correct.

“Impressive,” Celeste says, in an appreciative tone. “I suppose being such an esteemed heir means you have many talents.”

He can’t tell if she’s mocking him, so he decides to ignore her, though he allows himself a small amount of smugness. He finishes typing: “Is this what you wanted to ask?”

Instead of replying, Kirigiri leans over his shoulder and clicks the ‘enter’ button. After a moment’s pause:

“Hm, to be honest, so far I’ve just been trying to be reeeally careful with when I’m active…though I guess that backfired last night, with me scaring Aoi.” Alter Ego hums in thought. “But, I do have a secret plan! If anyone comes around who I don’t recognize on my webcam…I’ll scream super loud!”

“That’s so basic!” Asahina blurts out, shocked by the simple nature of it.

“Yes, and it’s not likely to work at night.” Ogami grumbles. “The bedrooms are soundproofed.”

“Maybe we can try taking turns staying up?” Makoto suggests. “I can take the first night, I don’t mind…”

“I think such a sudden change in our patterns is likely to draw suspicion from the mastermind. Which would be rather counterproductive.” Celeste says, and Makoto ducks his head immediately. “Though, your thoughtfulness is appreciated.”

“Then it can’t be helped.” Kirigiri sighs. “I’ll leave my door open. I’m at the end of the hallway anyways, so if anything happens, I should be able to react the quickest.”

What a crazy woman. “You’d leave yourself vulnerable?” He scoffs. After all the precautions he’s seen her take, it’s hard to imagine her sacrificing herself to any degree.

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take. Besides, I’m not so helpless. I have no intention of going down without a fight.” She pauses, mouth open like she’s about to say more, before she decides against it. “Anyways. We should avoid any mention or contact with Alter Ego as much as possible, to draw as little attention as we can.”

She claps her hands sharply, a sound that makes more than one person jump, and makes Byakuya almost flinch. “For the time being…let’s disperse.”

< previous - from start - next >

[fixing-bad-posts]

I looked around and didn't see anything about this on your blog but I apologize if I missed it.

I was wondering, what does doing the work behind this blog...feel like? I guess what I'm asking is if it does anything to you. Like, I had a thought. For a flash, I imagined you as Butters from South Park in that episode where he is tasked with filtering out all the negative comments on Cartman's social media. It ended up really messing with Butters, what with him having to see all that negativity.

You're definitely not being affected to that extreme, I assume, but I wonder if you would have anything to say about the process of finding these negative posts and reading them several times to edit them. Has it exposed you to unpleasantness that you wouldn't have otherwise seen? Or is there perhaps a kind of catharsis in editing such filth?

I'm making a lot of assumptions here. Maybe I'm also asking about your process. I just think what you're doing is neat and would love to hear about your experience with it.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have plenty of reasons to feel joy <3

oh boy, i love talking about myself haha—so thank you for giving me an excuse to do so! i have answered similar questions in the past, though never at length. every once in a while, someone pops into the inbox to ask about my mental health (which, rest assured, is just fine—i don’t put this blog’s operation above anything; it’s honestly pretty low on my list of life-priorities), and it’s always quite sweet. having a mob of strangers following one’s sideblog has its perks: one being that sometimes parasociality results in some well wishes, kind thoughts, and general goodwill. which is very nice, and probably an unearned vanity-boost for my ego.

what does the work behind this blog feel like? in turns: mundane, challenging, vindicating, annoying, amusing… and probably other things that i’m forgetting. most of the work i do on this blog is actually me procrastinating! i am a certified adult with a job™, and i’m definitely guilty of slacking off at work sometimes to queue posts submissions from my inbox, which is more fun than like… proofreading financial documents and making spreadsheets. other times, i’m sitting in a café with my partner, and allegedly i’m “writing” fanfiction. but, uh, if you know any writers, you know that sometimes “writing” means, ‘looking at a blinking cursor’. so it’s in those moments that i open up tumblr and start writing image descriptions and adding tags to prep posts for my queue. that’s mainly when the blog feels mundane.

something that i think helps me avoid negative doomscroll-spirals is that i don’t actively seek out bad posts for this blog. being a citizen of the internet delivers fodder to me naturally. that, and running a semi-popular sideblog on tumblr. when i see a bad post in the wild, that’s when the feeling is annoying/challenging. challenging, because ever since starting this sideblog, hateful posts don’t feel as vicious to me. once i see them, they stop being posts and turn into word-puzzles. and i love word puzzles!

solving the word puzzle is amusing for me, as is getting to look at my resulting “blackout poem.” it makes me laugh, it stretches my brain. when i started, i used to have to read a post several times to find the ‘good post within the bad post’ so to speak. these days, i’m so used to it, i barely read the bad posts more than a handful of times. but as i was saying to my partner, one of the reasons i love found poetry (erasure poetry, and cut-up poetry) is that it uses the same part of my brain that loves scrabble (the board game). then, of course, it's vindicating to see my posts get so many notes, sometimes surpassing the original bad post. that's more of my own vanity, i'm sure.

as for the last part of your message: yes, i have plenty of reasons to feel joy. i work with people who respect me, i live walking distance from a bubble tea café, and have friends and family whom i love. i have the good fortune to be safely out as a queer person. i’m a fanbinder. i’m currently working on a long fanfiction which is getting some very nice comments on ao3. and i’ve recently decided to become a poet (like, for real).

i must admit, i’m fascinated by how you imagine me. i often wonder how i am perceived, especially because i keep many cards close to my chest here on my sideblog.

anyhow, thank you for this excuse to ramble about myself and the process of running this blog. i hope you also have plenty of reasons to feel joy 💛

[deonn-jaelle]

Got you a mini me

warning ‼️: i guess you can call this angst

word count: 1,574

pairing: levi colwill x black american female reader

summary: levi left you at your lowest, breaking your heart, but you turned the pain into music and rose to fame—only for him to regret it all when it was too late.

note: i’m feeling generous today so here’s something for the levi girls :) i really like this song and wrote this fic last night. also i added a tiny sprinkle of some uk slang i’ve heard around, it might be kinda cringe when you read it because im not well versed (obviously). just wanted to give a heads up lol. as always enjoy and tell me what you think !!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The night Levi left was burned into your memory like a bad tattoo. You’d been together for three years—three damn near perfect years. You were the couple everyone envied. Instagram was flooded with your vacation shots, candid moments, and those late-night snaps of you writing lyrics while he lay on the couch beside you, humming along to melodies that weren’t even finished yet. You were the blueprint for love.

Until you weren’t.

It started small—missed texts, late replies. Levi, who used to fly back from away games just to make it to your shows, started canceling without much of an excuse. The man who once told you he couldn’t sleep without hearing your voice at night started letting your goodnight calls slip away.

The breaking point came on the night of your performance with Brandy Norwood. It was the biggest moment of your career to date—performing live at Madison Square Garden with your idol, the very woman whose music you grew up singing into your hairbrush as a kid in Harlem. It was supposed to be the night you remembered forever, the night he’d promised he’d be there for.

But Levi wasn’t in the crowd.

“I told you I had a match the next day,” he said later when you confronted him, standing in the doorway of your shared apartment.

“And I told you this was important to me, Levi,” you shot back, Harlem fire blazing in your voice. “This wasn’t just any performance—it was Brandy. Madison Square Garden! Everyone was there except the one person who was supposed to be my biggest supporter!”

“I am your biggest supporter!” he snapped, his tone sharper than you’d ever heard it.

“Really? Then why do I feel like I’m not enough for you anymore?” you asked, your voice trembling. “Why does it feel like I’m chasing after you, trying to make you care the way you used to?”

He sighed, running a hand through his curls. “It’s not that simple, alright? I’ve got my own pressure, my own career to focus on—”

“Pressure?” you interrupted, laughing bitterly. “You think you’re the only one under pressure? I’m out here grinding my ass off, chasing my dreams, and all I asked was for you to show up for me once. But nah, you couldn’t even do that.”

The argument spiraled from there, words they couldn’t take back flying across the room. And then… silence.

The next morning, Levi was gone.

At first, you told yourself he just needed time. Hours turned into days, and every time your phone buzzed, you hoped it was him. But it never was. Days turned into weeks, and the silence became unbearable. You weren’t eating, weren’t sleeping, weren’t even writing—something you had always turned to when life got heavy. The man you thought was your forever, your partner in crime, had left you without so much as an explanation.

And then you saw the pictures.

It was a random scroll through Instagram that did it, a Premier League gossip page posting snaps of Levi at some event, arm slung casually around a woman who looked like she was created by someone Googling “how to copy [Y/N].” She had the same rich dark skin, the same natural curls—even styled the same way you used to wear yours. She wore Harlem-inspired streetwear, but it was obvious she was mimicking something she didn’t fully understand.

The kicker was the golden retriever puppy in one of the photos. The name? Peaches.

The nickname wasn’t random, not by a long shot. Levi had given it to you early in your relationship, back when you both couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You always had a thing for high-waisted jeans, the kind that accentuated your curves, and Levi had a habit of placing his hands on your hips or sliding them a lot lower every chance he got.

“You know why I call you Peaches?” he’d murmured one night, his hands trailing over you as you lay tangled in bed.

“Why?” you asked, laughing softly.

“’Cause I can’t keep my hands off you. Your back’s mad” he admitted, his voice low and full of affection.

Now, to see your nickname attached to someone else—a dog, of all things—was like a slap in the face.

The heartbreak, the betrayal, it all came pouring out in the studio one night. What started as a melody turned into the most vulnerable song you had ever written—a raw, emotional anthem about the man who broke your heart and left you for someone else. When the song dropped, it went viral overnight. Within days, it hit number one on the charts, making you not just a star but a household name.

Two and a half months passed, and you did what you did best: turned your pain into power. Your songs were unapologetically fierce, your energy magnetic. The Grammys rolled around, and you walked away with three awards, solidifying your place as one of the brightest talents in music.

And just when you thought you buried Levi in your rearview mirror, your phone lit up with his name.

“What?” you answered, not even bothering to hide your annoyance.

“Pea—” He stopped himself. “Sorry. I mean… hey.”

“Not you calling me after two months of radio silence” you said, leaning back on your couch. “What do you want Levi?”

He hesitated, and you could almost picture him running a hand through his hair, a nervous habit you knew all too well. “I just… I saw your performance at the Grammys. You looked amazing.”

“I know” you said flatly.

“I miss you” he blurted out, the words tumbling out like he couldn’t hold them in anymore.

You laughed, but there was no humor in it. “You miss me? Really? You don’t get to say that Levi. Not after what you did.”

“You don’t understand—”

“Don’t hit me with the ‘you don’t understand’ shit” you interrupted. “I do understand. You ghosted me after our first argument, then popped up with someone who looks like she Googled ‘how to be me’ and took notes.”

“It’s not like that” he said quietly.

“Oh, it’s exactly like that” you snapped. “You left me, Levi. For her. And then you named your dog after me? Who does that?”

He exhaled loudly. “I wasn’t thinking, alright? I messed up. I know that.”

“Messed up? Nah, you didn’t ‘mess up.’ You made a choice. You chose her, Levi. And now you have to live with that.”

His voice softened. “I just… I wanted to hear your voice. I’ve been thinking about you, about us.”

“Us?” you repeated, tour voice incredulous. “There is no ‘us.’ You traded that for a bootleg version of me and a dog named after my ass. Congrats on the upgrade.”

“Peaches…” he started, but she cut him off.

“Don’t. call me that” you said, your voice breaking slightly. “You don’t get to call me that anymore.”

He was quiet for a moment, and you could hear the regret in his silence. But you didn’t care.

“I hope you’re happy” you said, your tone ice cold. “Does your little mini-me know her dog is named after her boyfriend’s ex and how he couldn’t keep his hands off her fat ass? Nah, I’m guessing you skipped that part.”

“Come on, don’t do this” he pleaded.

“Oh, I’m doing this” you shot back. “Tell whatever her name is—Elena, right?—that everyone can see she wants to be me. You traded me for a knockoff Levi, and she’s out here acting like she’s the original. It’s embarrassing.”

“That’s not fair—”

“Fair?” you interrupted, laughing bitterly. “What wasn’t fair was me giving you everything—all my time, my love, my support—just for you to leave and settle for…..her.”

“Why do you think I called then?” he snapped, frustration bleeding into his voice.

“Oh, I don’t know” you said mockingly. “Maybe because you know I’ll always be better than her. I actually had you. You were mine. And you still are because here you are, calling me while she’s away. Admit it Levi—you’ll always be mine. But I’ll never be yours again.”

The line went quiet for a long moment, his breathing the only sound. You felt tears sting your eyes, but you refused to let your voice break.

“You know what’s funny?” you continued, your tone shifting to one of sly amusement. “I should’ve cheated.”

“With who?” he asked, his voice sharp with jealousy.

“Noni” you replied without missing a beat.

“Noni?” he repeated, his voice rising.

“Mhm. He always knew how to treat me right. Always respectful, always sweet. Bet he wouldn’t have ghosted me for some raggedy hoe”

“That’s low” he muttered, his voice tight.

“Not as low as you replacing me” you fired back. “But hey, maybe your little copycat will stick around. Or maybe you’ll just ghost her too when it gets hard.”

“You don’t mean that” he said softly.

“I do” you said, your voice cold. “Now, lose my number, Levi. And good luck with Peaches 2.0.”

You hung up before he could respond, tossing your phone onto the couch as you fought back tears.

Levi stared at his phone, the empty line buzzing in his ear. He had thought he could move on, thought Elena could fill the void you left. But now, sitting in his quiet apartment, he realized the truth:

He hadn’t just lost you. He’d lost the best part of himself.

[andreafmn]

So I am OBSESSED with your Carlisle fics.

I was hoping I would request an imagine with a female reader who is asexual and afraid Carlisle won't want her, but of course, he is totally loving and accepting of her.

Thank you and I hope you're well.

Word Count: 2.7K

Paring: Carlisle Cullen x Female!Reader

Story Description: Rejection after rejection was the way (Y/N) went through life because of her sexuality, or rather lack thereof. But when she meets Carlisle Cullen, as in love with him as she is, she can't help but let the fear of her past keep her from telling him that she is asexual.

A/N: Loved writing this request and I hope I did it justice. 😊😊 My content will always be free, but if you’re feeling particularly generous, you can leave a tip on any of my posts to support me and my love of writing or buy me a coffee

TikTok • Instagram • Business | MASTERLIST

If you’d like to be tagged in any other story: click here Make sure you have my notifications on so you know every time I post!

As You Are

Delving into a relationship is no easy task. It’s allowing someone to know every part of you, every moment and secret that has made you who you are, and hoping they accept it without an exception. It’s one of the most vulnerable and exposed anyone could be. 

But there was a rather daunting sense of defenselessness that came from admiring your sexuality. Especially to a world that might not understand. The same world that valued love in the same standing as intercourse. 

(Y/N) had always felt like maybe there was something wrong with the way she loved. That whatever it was she was missing from the checklist society had written for her would be completed by the next person she fell for. Because maybe, just maybe, someone else had what she needed. 

But, as time went by, and partners came and went, nothing magically sparked inside her. And she feared that it never would. 

Until she met Clara. Well, @clara1986x on an internet blog site. 

(Y/N) needed to understand what she was feeling –not feeling. She did what any teenager with an avid curiosity, a life-changing question, and no answers would do. She turned to the internet. For hours she sat in front of a blank search bar, scared of what lived behind the screen. There were no expectations, but there was that underlying fear that there was something wrong with her.  

But, pushing it off wouldn’t change whatever results would pop up. With shaking hands, she typed slowly as she took deep breaths to calm her racing heart. It pitter-pattered against her chest as it hammered in her ears. There was no turning back once she hit the enter key. 

I do not feel sexually attracted to anyone… is there something wrong with me?

The first thing that popped up on the results page made her eyes fill with tears. There is nothing wrong with you, the page was titled. Could it be true? That whatever she was feeling was normal?  

She clicked on the webpage and a personal blog loaded on her screen. 

There Is Nothing Wrong With You

If this page showed up in your results there’s a huge chance you may think that you’re lacking something in your romantic life. News flash! There isn’t. 

Let me guess, you think if you’re not sexually attracted to your partner then it means you don’t really love them. Well, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. There are many ways to love and be in love with someone without adding sex to the mix — it also never has to be added for some. 

Have you ever heard of the term asexual? “The word asexual combines the prefix a-, meaning “not” or “without,” and sexual, referring to sex. Asexual is first recorded in the late 1700s, originally used in biology to refer to organisms, especially plants, that had no sex organs.” [That’s from the dictionary]

In the simple (and broadest) of terms, an asexual person is someone that doesn’t feel sexual attraction toward others or low to no desire for sexual relations. But since we know that sexuality is a spectrum [even if so many people don’t want to agree] this might mean something different to everyone that reads this. 

So, why am I focusing only on the most basic form of asexuality if there is such a big spectrum? 

Because I used to think there was something wrong with me. I used to search in partners for something I was lacking and no one could tell me why I didn’t feel like most people did. I didn’t want to have sex, with guys or girls. I never felt the need to establish a relationship with sex to admit I loved that person. And before you ask, yes, I have tried sex before; no, I don’t need to find the right person for it; and no, I’m not missing out. 

Being asexual doesn’t mean I don’t want to fall in love, or have a partner, or be with someone for the rest of my life. It simply means that I don’t need sex to “seal the deal.” I want the romance and the giddiness, I want the hand-holding and the kisses, I want everything that comes with being in love, I just don’t want sex.

Hi, I’m Claudia and I am asexual.

“Hi, Claudia,” (Y/N) cried as she finished reading the post, a smile spreading across her face. “I’m (Y/N), and I think that so am I.” 

It was the first time in her life that she had heard of the term, let alone found someone that felt exactly the same way she did. For the longest time, she thought she had been an anomaly in the population. That something had been wired differently inside her and she needed to be fixed. 

There was nothing wrong with what she didn’t want. Love had never had to equal sex, and she could be in love with someone without adding it to the equation. She did not need it to feel complete.

But that didn’t mean that everyone else understood what it meant. 

As she left high school and entered college, her dating pool expanded. But their mentality did not. It seemed she was stuck in a vicious cycle that she simply could not break. (Y/N) would meet someone new, they would go out on a few wonderful dates, and form a connection. Yet, when the time came to speak about the dreaded s-word, they all seemed to be taken aback. With some it was a quick rejection, sex was too much of a deal breaker to not have. With others, it was a slowly dying fire that, at the end of the day, always died out.

Whether it was that they didn’t want a relationship without sex or they didn’t want her without the promise of sex, she had not met someone that could accept her as she was and all that she would not offer. 

Until Carlisle Cullen.

After an unlucky slip on ice on her way to visit her mom’s new home, (Y/N) found herself in Forks Community Hospital with a twisted ankle. Thankfully, her condition wasn’t dire and her head could focus on the Adonis-like statue that had been caring for her that afternoon. 

She had heard of the handsome doctor from her mother a few too many times. No one in town understood why an accomplished doctor like him could end up in a small town like Forks. Much less the fact that he was a single man with adopted teenage kids. There was a peculiarity to that family that no one got but rarely questioned out loud.  

No comment from her mother could have ever prepared her for the man that stood before her. A man carved out of perfection by the very hands of whatever god was real. A vision of blonde hair and unnatural amber eyes. 

“Well, Miss (Y/L/N), I think as long as you stay clear of any slush in the street, you’ll be good,” he smiled. “Just make sure to ice that ankle every couple of hours and you should be okay.”

“I’m just staying the rest of the month in Forks. I’ve got a job lined up in Seattle, but my mom recently moved here,” she said. “So, hopefully, no more mishaps.”

“That’s a shame,” he responded. A grin so mischievous on his face she could not help the flutter in her chest. “That it wasn’t you that moved here, that is.” 

“And why is that?” Her curiosity peaked. Was the doctor flirting with her?

“If you were new in town I could offer to show you around under the guise of it being a date,” he started. “I could take you out to dinner, show you how beautiful the woods are during winter –when you’re not falling on ice–, maybe end the night with a kiss.” 

“Do you usually hit on your patients like this, Dr. Cullen?” (Y/N) played along, a sense of confidence overtaking her senses. “I’m pretty sure there’s a rule against that.” 

“That would only apply if you were my patient after you left through those doors,” he smirked. “But that could only happen if you were staying. What a pity.”

“Nothing’s stopping you from doing it for the time being,” she teased. “Better than to always wonder what if.” 

“You make quite a valid point.” 

“Then, do it,” she smirked. “Pretend I just moved here and ask to show me around. I might just say yes.”

A hearty chuckle left Carlisle’s throat, his eyes glittering with the fluorescent light of the hospital room. “Alright then, Miss (Y/L/N),” he smiled. “Since you’re new here, it would be an honor to show you around town. Would that be something you would like to do?”

“That sounds perfect, Doctor Cullen.”

And the rest was history. 

Weeks turned into months, her office job turned into a local administrative assistant in the hospital, and her apartment turned into a room at her mom’s house. It wasn’t anything like what she expected her life to turn like, but something about Carlisle told her he was worth the change. 

Yet, as perfect as their relationship seemed, there was always something lingering in the darkness. To (Y/N), everything felt too good to be true, but she had yearned for so long for a relationship that felt right. She carried with her every rejection, every disappearance, every weird look. She didn’t want things with Carlisle to end because of what they would never have. 

Not even when he confessed to himself and his family being vampires did the pressure of speaking about her sexuality –or lack thereof- alleviate. It felt easier for her to accept the fact that supernatural beings roamed the earth than for her partner to understand that she did not feel sexual attraction. 

It was a backward way of thinking, she knew that. But she couldn’t help and remember all the times she trusted someone enough to tell them about being asexual. Every repudiation toward her because of her sexuality had left an irrevocable mark on her heart, a pain that remained quietly festering deep within her soul. 

But Carlisle could tell there was something wrong. He always could. As someone that was used to harboring big secrets, it was an easy task to know that (Y/N) had a big one weighing on her heart. 

He didn’t want to push her. Her secrets were hers to tell and he had never wanted her to reveal anything she did not feel comfortable saying. It did hurt, he could not lie. Carlisle had tried his best to let her know he was a person she could trust, that nothing she could have said, done, or felt would ever be able to push him away. 

The worst part, he knew Edward knew what her secret was, and so did Alice. But they had both said it was something that only (Y/N) could tell him, on her own time. The only thing they could say to appease his mind was that it was not a bad confession, but it was hard for her to talk about. 

Still, even if he had agreed to allow (Y/N) to speak her truths on her own time, it pained him to know the worry she carried with her whenever she was around. She deserved to feel calm and loved when they were together, and that was what he wanted the most. 

“How’re you feeling, darling?” Carlisle asked one day. “I brought you a blanket.”

(Y/N) was standing on the back deck of his home, staring at the setting sun on the horizon. Her hair was slightly drenched from the rain that had fallen, but she did not seem bothered by it. She allowed the man to drape the blanket over her shoulders, sighing as the warm fabric embraced her body. 

“I’m okay,” she smiled softly. “Just thinking.” 

“What about?” 

She took a deep breath, knowing she had put off the conversation for too long. There was no reason to keep hiding it. He had trusted her with the biggest secret he had, and she needed to trust him enough to share hers. Whatever happened after was something she could not control. She just had to be brave enough to face whichever outcome happened. 

“There’s actually something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” she started before leading him to join her on the white couch. “It’s not anything bad, but it’s something that’s very important. And I’m just scared of how you will react.”  

“Darling, you can tell me anything,” he smiled, taking her hands in his. “There’s nothing you could say that would ever push me away from you. I hope you know that.”

“I know you’re a different man, a completely different person than anyone from my past. But I can’t help being scared to talk about this when everyone I’ve told this before left once I told them this,” she sniffled. “There’s been this festering fear inside me for the longest time because I’m scared that it’ll make you look at me differently and reject me. I don’t know if I could take another one.” 

“(Y/N), you know I love you and you can trust me with anything.” 

“I know that, Carlisle, and I love you too. And that’s the reason why I’ve been so afraid to tell you this, because I really don’t want to lose you.” 

“You will never lose me, (Y/N). But, please, tell me what it is. I don’t want you to have to keep carrying this in your heart.”

(Y/N) knew the moment had come. Regardless of all her fears and concerns, they had gotten to the point where she couldn’t hold back anymore. 

“Carlisle, I’m asexual,” she breathed. “Which means I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone and I have no desire to engage in any type of sexual activity. It doesn’t mean that I’m not in love with you or that I don’t want to have any type of intimacy. It’s just that I want everything that comes with being in love and in a relationship just not the sex part.” 

Carlisle took her in his arms, embracing her tightly as she cried onto his chest. He brushed her hair softly, kissing the top of her head comfortingly. All he felt at that moment was how much he loved her. 

“Thank you for telling me, darling,” he spoke softly, his hands caressing her cheeks as he stared into her eyes. “I know how hard it must have been for you to tell me that and I’m so grateful that you trusted me enough to tell me. And I want you to know that I love you completely and utterly as you are. I don’t need physical intimacy to know that I want forever with you.

You are more than just a body, (Y/N). I love you because you are a smart, caring, kind, and wonderful woman. You accepted me —my family— as I am, supernatural being and all. I’ve gone centuries without sex and I can go centuries more without it as long as you are by my side.” 

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear those words,” she cried happily. “I wish I hadn’t been so afraid to tell you sooner, but I’m just so glad that I did. I love you, Carlisle, and I want forever with you. Just as you are.”

(Y/N) couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. Even as Carlisle kissed her tenderly, it never faltered. 

She had gone her whole life searching for the person that would accept her for who she was without the expectation that her sexuality would change. It had made every rejection, every broken heart worth it because they had brought her to him. 

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[halliescomut]

Rant in defense(?) of Step by Step

Okay, so I watched episode 5 of Step by Step yesterday, and then helped my sister deep clean our kitchen so I missed basically all of the online discourse about it. So now I'm waking up to people being mad and Dee Hup and Mandee releasing statements. And like...I wanna talk about it.

So if you're not up to speed, general breakdown is that in the show they are producing a series (*correction it's a marketing campaign, see new comments at the end), some of the characters are business side and some are production/acting side. At a meeting they discuss possible BL acting pairs that they could cast and they show a couple of well known ones. It's not clear to me if the fake series in the show is going to be a BL or if they are just hoping to use a BL pair because they have pretty committed fanbases.

Most memorably they show Zee and Nunew. Because the creatives are dealing with executives there's a moment where they have to explain fanservice to one of them, and they do explain in very basically.

A lot of people thought or read this as a direct attack on Zee and Nunew specifically, an assumption that all of their behavior is fanservice. I personally think that they chose Zee and Nunew to allow for this sort of inside baseball joke that they are very expensive and very busy. I honestly thought that was the only direct comment that applied to them, and it was made in response to Jaab being asked who he thought best suited the project.

One of the other options, they make a point of saying they aren't really being shipped, which if the series they are working on is not a BL, could be a selling point because peripheral or surface level knowledge of them wouldn't be directly related to their ship. So you wouldn't have people who see them cast in the show and only know them as BL actors and write off the show as a whole because they are not BL fans or are actively homophobic. *See edit/correction at end.

The final comment many people seem to have the most issue with (for a couple different reasons) is this one:

The reason for the issue differs, some people are saying this is a direct attack on Zee and Nunew and how they present themselves at appearances and on social media. Now whether everything fans see of Zee and Nunew is fanservice or not, IDK and IDC. It's not my business. If it is fanservice and they feel comfortable doing it, I have no problem. If it's not fanservice and they are essentially using that belief as a cover to be able to be affectionate publicly in a country where that can be dangerous and also would likely damage their career opportunities...I also have no problem there. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

The second reason that people are upset about this comment is that this is literally a BL show profiting off of the LGBTQ community, so isn't it hypocritical?? And I just didn't read it that way. Watching the show, Pat is a gay man, he's at the very least out in his personal life, at work there's not much that we see that would confirm one way or the other, but I would imagine his level of out-ness at work is at the very least a case-by-case basis. Pat, as someone in a country where his identity is not protected or validated, could be understandably frustrated by the BL industry and the fanservice that is a very prevalent part of it. Seeing the 'performance' of gayness being accepted and even rewarded when, like most gay people, he's probably encountered more than one homophobic person, or had to second guess holding his partners hand in public would be so frustrating.

IDK...I just feel like it's meant to be a statement showing that they are aware of the sentiment. And the reaction of complete silence is it's own condemnation of the system, because you can see that the executives in the room are stunned by the comment, and that the creatives are all kind of thinking 'Pat you said the quiet part out loud'.

Is it a situation that is handled perfectly in the show? Not necessarily. But I do think it's valid commentary of the BL industry. It's literally commentary that you see repeated over and over again on the internet. Like, we're coming up on Pride month and seeing Pride collections released by almost every major company. And the number one thing that any queer person will tell you is to actively look into what those companies are doing to support the queer community before you hand them any of your hard-earned dollarbucks. Are they donating to charities that actively support queer people? Are they employing queer people at all levels? Are they using queer people in their advertising? Are they seeking out queer artists to help design some of the items and paying them appropriately for that work?

You can use that same energy and process with BL companies. Are they actively supporting their openly out creatives? Are they type casting openly queer actors? If they are a company that also produces mainstream (i.e. not gay) content, are BL actors also present in that content? Is there queer representation in their mainstream content at all? Are you asking these questions when you are looking into BL shows? Are you actively looking into shows at all or are you just watching stuff based on how hot the actors are? There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, as long as you aren't then proceeding to actively attack actors, companies, or shows for perceived wrongdoings, if you've done no research at all.

*Correction: What they are doing is a marketing campaign, so commercials, print ads, social media campaigns, etc. Since it's going to be likely similar to what we see IRL, maybe sponsored posts or appearances as well. This does bring different context to the scene as it actively emphasises the profit part. Because BLs/fanservice do profit off of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, but that can be more abstract/peripheral. Like queer people watch a queer show and they pay the subscription fee to a service, and maybe they buy a product being advertised, but the money that makes into the hands of the production company or the actors would be small in comparison to using BL acting pairs in a marketing campaign, where the company would very directly profit from appearances or purchases of that product.

This does however strengthen my previously made point about rainbow capitalism, which in addition to pride merch is something in the western world we've seen more recently addressed with situations like the Bud Light-Dylan Mulvaney ad, as well as regular outrages for Nike using queer athletes, or Starbucks creating a commercial based around a trans customer, or period products being market to include transmen, mother's day and father's day ads that feature same sex couples... there's a whole list. It's nice to see that representation in ads, but if those companies are not also actively working to minimize discrimination inside their company, or actively working with and donating to non-profits that help support different people int he queer community... then that representation is merely performative activism and nothing else.

[xiaq]

(this can be answered publicly) Hey X, pardon me if you’ve answered this before, but I was just curious on how you ended up transitioning from academia to tech and what role you started with in tech? Also, so you have any advice for someone looking to break into tech from a non-STEM background? Thank you!

Hey! I haven't answered it publicly but it's a popular question, so I will now (warning, long answer is long).

So I was so fed up with academia for sundry reasons I won't get into here but I wanted a career that would allow me to A. retire some day (something that paid generally well), B. would allow me some measure of work/life balance without high stress, and C. Would ideally let me use my communication/writing/speaking/presenting skills in some way.

My parents and my partner all work in tech and were like, "did you know that we desperately need people with your skillsets in the tech world?" and my partner, who works in technical sales was like, "You would kill at my job, I am not lying." And I was like, every job listing in technical sales that I see requires either a degree I don't have or past experience I don't have, or both, and my mother was like "Do you know how many mediocre resumes from unqualified men come across my desk? Apply for the damn positions anyway." So I reworked my resume to focus on applicable skills/experiences and wrote a cover letter for each position I applied to saying "hey, I know I'm an odd candidate but let me tell you why that's a good thing." And I got a lot of positive responses!

I was interviewing at 2 different tech places when I accepted the offer for my job now. I had an initial screening call interview with HR, then a zoom interview with the hiring manager, and then I was given access to a limited demo environment and had a week to teach myself the software and put together a demo for a fake customer which I did for the hiring manager (my future boss), one of my current peers, and the VP of the org. I was offered the job the same night I did my fake demo. So in total it was a 2 week interview process, and I started working 2 weeks later. **

I'm a pre-sales solutions consultant, which basically means I'm paired with a sales guy who does all the money and business value talk with customers, while I get to learn about a customer's data problems and then demo for them how our products can address those problems.

The learning curve was (and still is) steep. But it was basically like going back to school, and I've always loved learning new things. The job is super fun. It fulfills all of my wants I listed above with the added bonus of being completely remote (aside from occasional travel to meet with customers for in-person demos). The people I work with are supportive, management is communicative and constantly giving me feedback/talking about my trajectory. I've won internal awards, already received two raises and one promotion and I haven't even been there a year. I'm making more than double what I did as a professor and the concept of retirement doesn't feel like a laughable pipe dream anymore. I miss teaching a lot, but I'm healthier, happier, and better prepared for the future now. And my work is genuinely fulfiling because I'm showing people how they can fix problems. Also, playing with data management software and putting together custom demos is neat. It's like all the best parts of a college project--research, making a preso, knocking everyone's socks off while giving the preso, but I'm getting paid for it. I'm glad I followed my mom's advice.

So I guess my advice is the same as hers: even if you're not "qualified," apply for the position anyway. Make custom cover letters for each position and if there's not a way to include the letter with the app, do some googling and find the hiring manager on LinkedIn and message/email them. The person who hired me said that my cover letter was what got me the initial interview. So that shit works. If you have friends or family working somewhere with open positions, use those connections. Having an internal referral will go a long way to getting your resume looked at. I know we're all like, boo nepo babies, but networking is a huge part of any industry. Use it to your advantage if you have the advantage (no, I'm not working for my parent's companies, but if there'd been an open position I was interested in, I would have applied for it. No shame).

**I also, on the side, applied for the Austin Fire Department because why not. After a whole lot of mental and physical prep, I was accepted to the academy (in the first class, no less, holla) right before I was offered my current job. But I had to be realistic and say that probably wasn't a good long-term career option for someone who is 110lbs and was barely meeting the physical testing requirements who also has issues with getting overwhelmed in high-input sensory situations. So. Into the tech world I went. This side note just to say, I was keeping my options very open and there's nothing wrong with that either, lol.

I hope this helps!

[aprillikesthings]

I am still a little obsessed with this

I had an idea for a Catradora fic like a year ago and ugggh I'd need to rewatch the whole show to do it any justice and I dunno if I have the patience

Anyway have some barely-edited info-dumping I did last March in a tiny discord server for a completely different cartoon ship*:

The other night when I couldn't sleep it occurred to me that there could/should be a very realistic fic out there of catra and adora, after the events of the last season, having a very passionate but over-dramatic relationship for a couple of years, then breaking up and getting back together multiple times before one or both of them decides Actually, we have to break up, for real, we are slowly killing each other over this; and one of them moves away and they both get therapy of some kind and both try dating other people but it just isn't working out (I can absolutely see Adora in a relationship that's perfectly fine and healthy but also boring as fuck, and her just thinking: huh, I guess normal people are supposed to feel like this? but it just feels like it's missing something, but the thing it's missing might just be a lot of arguing and crying and make-up sex, so like, I should just. stop missing that. probably. And Catra ending up in a bunch of short-term things where all of them end with either the other person going dude you are in love with someone else and I can tell or her feeling guilty and breaking it off bc the other person is obviously more into her than vice-versa)

And anyway after like ten years or something they see each other but one or both is still dating someone else and it's like ha ha our younger days were SOMETHING ELSE weren't they, oh did you get therapy oh good me too, I'm glad you're doing well, nice to bump into you :) but they're both internally screaming because yeah those feelings are Still There, fuck fuck fuck

The current partner of whichever of them dumps them bc "you're still in love with your ex" but neither of them say why the dump happened and the dumped one doesn't say anything to the other, which means they hear about it through the grapevine, and their heart goes YOOOOO and their brain goes "I thought we were actually done with this and being Good about it fuck fuck fuck" and theyre both :) still normal to each other :) all the time :)

PINING I love pining hhh lol

But yeah there's, I dunno. A party? with a lot of people? maybe they each have one (1) drink, not even enough to impair them, and the next thing you know they're making out in a closet or something somewhere, and then one or both of them is crying hysterically, and after a lot of talking they're like, I want to try again. But as actual adults who've had time to grow up and have a lot of therapy. So they do, and it's good, and all their friends are like Oh thank god you two are both the stupidest motherfuckers on earth.

Halfway through the first post I realized I am half re-writing one of my fave Sherlock fics but putting it on top of She-Ra characters and adapting it to spop's plot but it'S JUST A GOOD STORy and honestly how it would actually happen

Because they were SO YOUNG in the show and neither of them had ever seen a healthy relationship modeled, ever, by anyone; and they're both heavily traumatized on top of it. And love isn't always be enough to deal with all of that. It's just not.

Me: this would make a good romance novel if we could file off the serial numbers

Also me: it's only interesting to me because it's THESE CHARACTERS like how the fuck would you include the backstory lolol

My dumb brain is like, "look I know spop ended three years ago and also, this is obviously the kind of story that AN ACTUAL ADULT writes, generally speaking; so nobody would read it, but what if you spent a year writing this"

But also half the plot feels like it's lifted from The Speed of Objects in Motion by holyfant (linked above) which is still, easily, one of my top-two Sherlock fics of all time, bc it's just so painfully realistic--they do end up together again at the end, but there's a lot off off-again/on-again and arguing and then a few years they're not together in the meantime

Anyway, re: spop: Fate and destiny are great but real happily ever afters would be so hard with everything that lead up to the end of the series

------------

>:( at myself for being like "oh it would take a year to write this" bc if I had actually done it I would be done by now pfffffft

(*Amedot)

[ingravinoveritas]

Crowley and Aziraphale always came off as romantic to me; both in the book and in the show. They have so much more chemistry than anyone else. And I always second guess me reading their relationship as romantic when I see the general public's takes. So then I go back over like, okay, if this was a man and a woman, how would this read. They do couple things all the time. They use pet names. The show leans more into pining but in the book it feels like they're already married. Both the narrator and other characters refer to them as a couple and its never contradicted. Is that subtext or just plain text. I wouldn't call it queerbaiting, but queercoding or representation doesn't feel quite right either. Are we reading too much into it or is media literacy dead.

Hi there! Thank you for sharing these thoughts in response to my post from the other day. What you've mentioned here (how this would read if it was a man and a woman) is something I have thought about as well--both in terms of Aziraphale/Crowley and Michael/David, as I have shipped them outside of the show for some time now, and especially given the increasingly fuzzy line between them and the characters (which both Michael and David themselves have talked about in multiple interviews).

I think what we're seeing is neither queerbaiting nor queercoding/representation, but instead a sort of incongruity between what was put on the printed page when Good Omens was first published and what was brought to life on screen when it came to TV. What I mean by that is I often see a lot of people point to the line "gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide" as proof (almost typed "poof" there--hello, Freudian slip...) that Neil/Terry meant for the characters (specifically Aziraphale) to be gay. But from what Neil has said, the main intention here was for this to be a play on words--so, "gay" as in homosexual, but also "gay" as in happy, which was the original meaning of the term. I'm then led to think that in the minds of two cishet men in the late 1980s, "gayness" conjured a particular, unserious image, which they then brought into the writing.

Fast-forward to thirty years later, and you have Good Omens finally becoming a television show. Terry Pratchett (Gnu) had sadly left us, and so the task fell to Neil to write the screenplay and honor Terry's last wish by faithfully adapting the story. And while Neil wisely decided to cast Michael for his goodness and angelic-like nature, what I think he didn't count on was Michael's long-held beliefs and ideas about the character of Aziraphale and how he would portray him, or his profound penchant for playing numerous queer characters over the last several decades. The gayness of Aziraphale on the written page was something that Neil could control, but he couldn't control the gayness of Aziraphale as interpreted by Michael.

So that led to Neil having to address some things that I don't think he was quite prepared to address, both about the show and inside himself. Mainly, that if we are to extrapolate that what we see in season 1 is a reflection (to some degree, anyway) of Neil's views on relationships, a straight couple with little to no chemistry can jump into bed together without any hesitation, but a gay couple with tremendous chemistry and who share a deep and profound connection can't express that, either physically or by simply saying "I love you."

Much discussion has been made about how it's not necessary for someone to say "I love you" to convey such a sentiment. But what I've noticed missing from this discourse is the age/experience of anyone who has been in a relationship where that wasn't said (or conveyed) by one partner and how painful that was for the other partner. And as I mentioned in my other post, even once gay/queer people started to exist in media, they still weren't allowed to fall in love. (The phrase "the love that dare not speak its name" even came into being because of this taboo, for crying out loud.)

So when we then look at the countless tweets from Neil about how Good Omens is a love story while considering the vastly different ways in which that love is regarded when it's straight vs. when it's gay, his words start to ring somewhat hollow. And if he repeatedly has to emphasize that something is a love story, then maybe it isn't coming across as a love story in the way he thinks it is. Maybe Neil being more comfortable with casual, meaningless sex than a deep commitment speaks to a larger issue on his part. Or maybe Neil was fine with the abstract idea of a gay love story, but suddenly less comfortable with the concrete, three-dimensional reality of it.

If I had to use a word to describe it, then, from a media/cultural standpoint, I think I would call it "queerplaying," which I would define as roleplaying queerness on a surface level without actually delving into the complexity and messiness of what it actually means to be a queer/non-cishet human being. (To be clear, I am applying this to the writing/the original GO text, not to what Michael and David ultimately brought to the roles as actors.)

I hope this all makes sense. Again, the second season could come out tomorrow/Friday and prove me completely wrong about everything I've just said here, which would be wonderful. But I'm glad that other people have felt similarly about what we saw (or didn't see) in the first season, and the disconnect between the perceptions of fans/the perception of the public vs. Neil's authorial intent. Thanks for writing in! x

[id-rather-be-home]

Hiii I’m the a/b/o biology girl. I love that you mentioned female alphas bc in that same fic Nancy was an alpha and Jonathan an omega and all the fic really mentioned was a claiming ceremony where Nancy bit Jonathan along with them not wanting to have kids atm but I’ve always wondered what if they did, would both of them essentially be intersex and that’s how Nancy would get Jonathan pregnant but besides that the questions I mentioned about the anatomy chart I seen were mostly abt how if the male has a uterus basically behind their sex organs and connected to their rectum could you be able to see that before they ever know they’re an omega through like an x-ray which would mean you could also somewhat determine who’s an alphas/beta or would it be a thing that like it magically appears during puberty and if so I was wondering abt the biology behind all that of basically your body growing an entirely new organ/how on a cellular level that would happen and how the endocrine system among other systems must play a role in it those are just my initial thoughts if you have any please tell me so I can ponder over them also like I said before combining real life biology with fantasy is so fun I’ve even thought abt the concept/pregnancy of vampires in twilight and werewolf genetics in teen wolf in order to better understand and pass my biomed class 😅 if you ever want to hear my in depth but very likely improbable thoughts on those as well at any point

oh my gosh i ADORE alpha nancy and omega jonathan!!!! the more i learn about this fic the more upset i become that i missed out on it lmfao

for female alphas i always imagined that they are also intersex the way male omegas are but would likely have a harder time getting pregnant compared to male and female omegas, and female betas. so female alphas that are with another female partner or a male omega typically wouldn't be the one to carry the baby - it would probably only happen in cases where they really want to or it's a happy accident. female alphas' biology is essentially hardwired to breed, not get bred so i can definitely see jonathan being the one to carry their pups! especially with how driven nancy is career-wise, it'd make since that jonathan is the biological mother since they have that option

as for the anatomy and how it develops!

i know that there are a lot of authors who write a/b/o sex characteristics in a way so that they manifest over time with later onsets of puberty (usually ages 13-18ish with 18 being a late bloomer) while betas simply never present. and that makes sense if there isn't intersex anatomy in the universe, but i've always preferred it so that male omegas and female alphas are intersex with different secondary sex characteristics (aka alpha versus omega instincts)

i kind of doubt that an entire sex organ would develop outside of the womb (i feel like that would take entirely too much energy from the body), so it's more like some of those hormones are just more dormant for a period of time until the omega or alpha is in their sexual prime (aka when their heats and ruts start)

if we're going off the picture that you saw with the birth canal being connected to the rectum (which isn't my favorite interpretation, but i guess it'd be the equivalent to a cloaca) then parents wouldn't know the status of their child until presentation or if they get an x-ray done to see the organs

i'm thinking that most families wouldn't do this since they wouldn't particularly care, but the ones that have bias against male omegas (and omegas in general let's be honest) might. lonnie would be the type of person who would insist on getting the x-rays done for both jonathan and will when they're little and then bitching about them being omegas and blames joyce for making them that way cuz he's a piece of shit

[mermaidsirennikita]

You have any recommendations where the hero hates everyone except her? 💕 Historical’s included if any.

Hmm...

Managed by Kristen Callihan. An all-time favorite contemporary romance. Hero is the uptight, strict manager of a rock band. He does love the guys as they're his longtime friends, but he's very snappy and standoffishness by nature. He hires the heroine as the band's photographer/social media manager, but he has insomnia and can only sleep when she's in the bed with him. So they become platonic nap partners. Naturally. Has a particularly incredible scene when he jacks off while smelling her dirty underwear and dodging her question from the other side of the door, before handwashing said underwear and hiding them underneath his mattress.

Hotel of Secrets by Diana Biller. Historical. The hero is less about hating people and more about being an extreme loner who doesn't want to get close to people. He's an American spy on a case, the heroine is this social butterfly who's trying to save this Viennese hotel her family has owned for generations. He saves her life, like, thrice. Also, he's a big ol' virgin and she is... not. SO good.

The Truth About Cads and Dukes by Elisa Braden. Historical. Again, he's more standoffish and he does love his siblings, just is exceptionally bad at expressing his feelings. The hero marries the heroine after his brother ruins her (in a non-sexual manner) and it's really largely your standard marriage of convenience book, but done very well with an excellent love confession. Heroine is plus size, which is nice. Maybe my favorite Rescued from Ruin book? I really like all the times his lust cannot be contained and he just tackles her.

How to Marry a Marquess by Stacy Reid. Historical. BIG this vibe. The hero is kind of ostracized by society because he claimed his illegitimate daughter and is raising her without shame. He's very FUCK ALL Y'ALL about it, but the heroine, who is this very proper miss type, is his longtime friend and he adores her. She's been in love with him for forever, but he doesn't think she can deal with being an outcast so he won't make a move. Which is why she asks him for lessons in seducing some TOTALLY RANDOM GUY she's FOR SURE IN LOVE WITH. Very hot, and leads to some fabulous angst towards the end.

What I Did for a Duke by Julie Anne Long. Historical. Super this. Hero is a jaded snappish duke pushing 40 who finds a local rake in bed with his fiance. He decides to exact revenge by seducing said rake's innocent, virginal sister (who's like, half his age). She's super smart, so she catches on immediately, but she wants her friend who she's into to make a move, so she kind of allows him to court her... But then he becomes genuinely fond of her and it gets real.

After Dark with the Duke by Julie Anne Long. Begins as light ETL, becomes more like this. 40-something war hero duke is staying at the same boarding house as 20-something scandalous opera singer while he's writing his memoirs. She bugs him, he offends her, in penance he offers to teach her Italian to help with her singing, and they develop a very sweet friendship that quickly shifts into major sexual tension.

Marrying Winterborne by Lisa Kleypas. Historical. Rhys Winterborne definitely has like, FRIENDS, but he's also kind of super grumpy and sort of socially awkward, lol. He adores Helen and would move heaven and earth for her, even if he's bad at giving flowers. Benefits from reading Cold-Hearted Rake first, as they begin as a secondary romance in that one. People will tell you Chasing Cassandra is this even more, and I guess it is, but... Idk, maybe I should reread that one because it didn't super do it for me, and I think Tom Severin would've been better off with a different heroine.

Dreaming of You by Lisa Kleypas. Historical. I think this absolutely counts, lol. Like, does Derek have one friend who isn't under his employ? Yes. But they're not as tight by the time the book begins because reasons, and he meets Sara Fielding when she shoots some guy to save him, and while he tries to be grumpy to her, he's quickly like "I've known Sara Fielding for five minutes and if anything happens to her I'll kill everyone in this room including myself".

My Darling Duke by Stacy Reid. Historical. Heroine pretends she's being courted by a recluse duke in order to help her sisters find husbands, but then recluse duke shows up in society for the first time in years to be like "and exactly what is happening rn". He's a recluse because he was super injured years back and is now a wheelchair user; he's very bitter about his disability. He makes the heroine continue the charade for a minute for his own reasons, but falls for her. I really liked how this book explored sexual dysfunction and like, having sex in a way that isn't the standard romance novel HE TOOK HER CONQUERINGLY manner.

Sworn to the Shadow God by Ruby Dixon. Fantasy. Gamer girl gets teleported to this fantasy world and becomes the sorta servant to the literal God of Death. Everyone hates him so he hates everyone. It's honestly very funny and sweet. He has this thing going on with him wherein he can't like... tell the truth... so everything he says is the opposite of what he means. This girl gives him head fairly on in the book and he's like "YOU'RE TERRIBLE AT THAT" (translation: you're great at that) during, and I think she bites his dick? He has a lot to work through after that. She thinks he hates her, but he actually adores her.

The Taming of a Highlander by Elisa Braden. Historical. Another, "he technically loves his family" guy. The hero was considered the golden boy of the family, but he was tortured and lost an eye after being wrongfully imprisoned for months, so he's not doing great. The heroine catches him attacking one of the people responsible for what happened to him, so she offers to marry him to keep from having to testify against him.

Shadowheart by Laura Kinsale. Historical. Hero is a total villain and persona non grata throughout Italy; heroine does initially dislike him, but quickly falls in love and she's like his treasured possession. Soft noncon in the beginning. The sex scenes are otherwise are super great, very femdom.

[natasha-in-space]

Hello hello! I've picked a couple of numbers off that ask list that I wanted to tell you, so here they are!

6. Something I remember vividly from reading one of your fics: The confusion and fear Natasha feels in Mint Eye, particularly in the timeline of Fractured Heart. Something about that fic really stuck with me, the way you described all her conflicting feelings coming together and only serving to hurt her more. In general, the way you write about being a believer in Mint Eye is so gripping, I'm always left wanting to know more.

4. The best ship you've written for: I really enjoy reading your Saeran/Natasha fics. I'm not a Saeran MC, so it's always interesting to see how people write about a relationship between him and his partner, especially through the difficult times in Mint Eye. They've known each other through their worst times and they've made it through those times together. That's a bond that lasts. I also really like this pairing in particular because through each Saeran variant there's a new side of Natasha I get to see.

15. A question I have about one of your fics: More generally, about your Rika fics. How did you manage to get such a good grasp on her character? The fics you write about her are so well thought-out and are so considerate towards her, it leaves me wanting to read more.

Wah! So much kind words concerning my cmc works of all things? Excuse me while I just... print out this ask and hang it on my wall 🤭💕

I'm humbled you enjoy Fractured Heart, and what it has to offer! It's one of the darkest timelines I have up my sleeve, which makes writing for it a challenging and very fascinating process. The Natasha you see in that story in particular is very difficult from the usual person you see in other works, since Unknown does not hesitate to cleanse her completely. She's actually loyal to the Mint Eye ideology, thus making it very challenging to ally with her. Saeyoung wouldn't have any problems with Natasha from Another Story! Still, no matter how loyal you are, what do you do when you see harm being caused for no other reason than to cause harm? Does that make you, or the people you're devoted to - bad people? Or is it justified, since Luciel is supposedly a very disgusting human being? But, what do you do when his behavior states the opposite? Exploring such frustrating contradictions is what's fun about writing for her in that timeline. Will I write more installments for it? Yeah, I'm sure I will. When, though, I have no idea :D

As for Natasha's relationship with Saeran, if I would get asked to describe it in one word it would be... complicated. Their relationship is very layered and complex, and while this helps strengthen their bond, this also brings many problems that can get missed out on at first. That's not mentioning that her individual relationships with Ray, Suit, GE, VAE, and Unknown/SE are unique in their own ways. They're coworkers, they're friends, and they're partners. I oftentimes write their relationship as ambiguous in nature, a weird blurred line between a platonic and romantic affection that they're both are not sure about. That's not to say that they don't love each other. They love each other deeply, but that exact attachment can complicate things. When you're always together, it can get hard to distinguish the line. They don't even think much about the line in the first place, until somebody else points it out. I am excited to bring more of their many stories to the public!

It's such a huge compliment to hear that my Rika fics compell you so much >< As for your question: I honestly don't know??? I'm guessing it's sheer practice, to be honest. See, there are just some characters I've been writing with for years, and I have no problem at all picturing their mannerisms and actions in my head as I write them. Rika, the Choi twins, Jihyun, Vanderwood and my cmc's are those characters specifically. This is the group I use most often. And, I'll say, when I look back at my first creations, I **hated** writing Rika, because it was so damn difficult to get her right. She's a complicated character to say the least. You can't just make her a villain and be done with it most of the times. It also depends on **which** character you're writing for. From Natasha's point of view, she'll be written as an antagonistic figure. From Chaewon's, she's in the right. And all the grey area in-between, depending on who your main character is. That's not to mention that I use unreliable narrators a whole lot in my storytelling. I mischaracterized her a whole lot at first, but this concerns every character I worked with. I never posted my early writings, just continuing to have fun and get to know these characters in many different settings. It came with time and a lot of practice, but I'm at a place where I'm confident in my characterization! I know how she talks, how she moves, how she thinks. That's why I always tell young writers to just create whatever they want! My early creations are terrible, but you know what? If I didn't write those terrible out of character stories, I'd never strengthen my skill level. You don't have to post everything you create! Have fun and explore even the most outlandish ideas ☆

[miengsol]

3, 8, 12, 20, and 25 !!

truthful tuesday except 2day is monday so truthful monday ( ft. truthful tuesday meme w/ @velvetineblue )

3. what’s your favorite thing about your mutuals?

oh there is so much i love about my mutuals on all my blogs so this is really hard....are you sure i have to pick just one winter 🥺 okay fine, i really just adore?? how supportive and interactive my mutuals are of each other! like everyone has threads, but also they hype each other up/support each other in the tags and also in the comments section of ooc posts and it just really?? makes me feel like i'm in an actual community rather than it being more like everyone is for themselves :'D honestly my mutuals, the ones i write with even more specifically, i can genuinely say, they're not only excellent writers, but also good people and that's more than enough for me at this point in my rp career <3

8. what’s one thing you think you’re good at?

writing replies that engage both my muse and my partner's muse! i usually try incorporate some kind of narration/thoughts about my partner's muse in some capacity ( at least for the longer threads ) because i've found?? reading that kind of writing from my partner makes me the most invigorated to continue a thread- i think it's also helped me become better at really understanding my partner's muse from my muse's perspective / writing narration in general.

12. what’s overrated in the rpc?

mmmmmm gonna be honest, permanent starter calls are, in my opinion, kinda ineffective because unless i know someone is comfy with me and vice versa, i'm not going to write unprompted starters for them or jump into their dms immediately...ppl still do seem to use them though. i'll just say that in my opinion, they've been ineffective at actually starting interactions, probably bc we're all too shy/nervous to reach out jsdlfkjsd

20. what’s the most underrated plot?

friends-with-benefits + slowburn, but like, the wholesome kind....like seeing how touch between two people can be initially more intense but THEN?? it softens and there's pining between them and wondering if the other party maybe just maybe sees them as something more- i think just miss having that kind of dynamic and would one day love to see calum have a ship like that ( and even if i can't, there's always his canon love interest :'D )

25. what’s the worst rule you’ve seen on tumblr?

mmmm, there was a blog that once followed me that required gifs & icons to write with them which like?? makes no sense since they've already seen that even if i do use icons/gifs, my blog doesn't have a lot visuals/aesthetic posts and not to mention you're gonna use gifs while writing smut....? i guess i shouldn't say that i think it's the worst rule i've seen, but more of, it makes no sense to me since rp is supposed to be a writing hobby first and you're isolating a good number of rp blogs that like, have the potential to give great connections....and not to mention, i wouldn't want to use another person's face when writing smut ://

that and i have found that basing a character off of a faceclaim first usually doesnt have the making of a solid rp muse

[0bsc3ne]

god. i love my partner. so much. and i really don't want to break up bc he's probably the best person i could ask for considering my long-term goals and current issues. he's great and i just want to point that out bc i don't lovepost him as much as i ventpost and i just want to be clear that he isn't nearly as terrible as my skewed stories of him on tumblr make him seem.

that being said.

god he pisses me the fuck off sometimes. i left at 7:20 bc i needed to go by the store before the show and i wasn't about to wait for him to find his shit. he then got a little sulky abt that but whatever. should be noted that he's got a bit of a drinking problem and has been saying for months that he wants to get better. whatever, we've all got issues, nbd. but he just. doesn't fucking try. before i left he cracked open a beer to drink on his longboard on the way to a fucking BAR. i told him he could just like,,, save that one for later tonight?? bc he's gonna get smth at the bar anyways??? but nooo. anyways remember this it's important later

anyways show's great and i have fun but like. mid last set he comes up to me and just tries to kiss me? which. again. nbd ig but i Really don't like pda and he knows that. and then after the show he tries again. atp i realise he's drunk and some conversation happens and he can't remember the name of one of the bands (later on he insisted that he did, in fact, remember them) and then he finally admits to being drunk after he can't remember a conversation he had with someone else he was going to tell me about. and this brings up that whole thing abt how he wants to get better abt drinking and says he wants me to help him and i say i literally just did (note the end of the whole previous paragraph) and then i say something about how that would've been really easy to yk. not drink. like it's literally not even a five minute ride to said bar. and then he got offended and asked for my bike lock code so he could go unlock his board and (presumably) go home. and just. idk.

i feel like i'm in this weird position where my entire life philosophy is "do whatever the hell you want, just don't fuck with anyone else when you do" so i generally try to avoid judging/influencing people as much as possible but then he wants me to do it to him abt his alcoholism when i'm just. Not Comfortable doing that. like that's your problem, dude, and i'll support you if you need it, but if you're just going to ignore me the one time i try to be insistent? why should i even fucking bother? idk. i guess i'm just under some sort of bias or smth bc i just. Cannot stand any sort of drug that slows my thinking so i don't really understand the appeal of alcohol but. still. idk.

it just kinda sucks. in the most selfish way it just sucks that he's so perfect except his only two flaws, both of which happen to be the two things i can't fucking stand in people. idk. i won't break up w him over either (at least for now) but it just sucks that it doesn't really feel like he tries for either. and i love being around him otherwise. and that is most of the time. it's just all conflicting.

but ig he can say the same thing considering he's dating... whatever the hell i have going on. i'm probably worse. idk. i miss being single in the way of like... "you can't miss what you never had." if it does get to a point where we break up. i'll only ever miss being in a relationship with him bc I experienced it. otherwise i have no real desire to be in a relationship ever i just kinda stumbled into this one. whatever. i've been sitting in this bar too long writing this i need to just go home and see my cat i miss him