#but i guess as long as i do a lot of scar care it shouldnt matter who i see as long as theyre reputable

[fortima]

spectrum outfitters is having issues rn and cant ship internationally so i went and bought the trans tape starter kid and… idk i really hope it isnt annoying sensory wise bc i want to be more flat but my binder sucks (too big) and is often rly uncomfortable… have to constantly readjust. i wouldnt wanna order more and more tape i just want it to be good until i can get a better binder

[nada-lovely]

self love tag

i saw @hwaberrykiwi doing this about two months and have been debating until now to do this but i figure i should try loving myself today

Post one recent picture and a favorite picture of yours:

left is most recent. its from new years eve i dont take a lot of pics of myself but i looked so good that day oof. and the right is from 3 years ago

Favorite body part?

my thighs. they're probably the strongest part of my body and they remind me of how cool i was for playing soccer lol.

Whats your favorite personality trait of yours?

im pretty level headed and like to look at a problem in multiple angles before deciding anything

A (personal or physical) trait you used to be ashamed of but are now love/are proud of?

i used to hate the inside of my wrists. i have a scar there that used to remind me of a difficilult time but ive overcome that. i like to admire the veins that run through there now. my body is keeping me alive. i shouldnt hate any part of it

A trait people tell you they like about you?

my nails lol. i learned to do some nail art in high school since that was my only creative outlet at the time and ive kept it up until now

What you're most proud of?

i recently graduated uni. yay! and i wasn't aware but im the first one in my family to graduate with a bachelors degree

Favorite piece of clothing on you?

i have this long black skirt that i love wearing with fishnets and black high heeled boots that make me feel like a witch

Favorite color on you?

cool tones. blues mostly

Favorite aesthetic/style on yourself?

street style or 80s i guess ??? i used to try to mimic what minghao used to wear but then he started customizing his clothes lol but think minghao circa 2017. bucket hats and crop tops mostly

An aesthetic you wanna try but are too scared:

i wanna be more feminine or have more confidence in my shape. a lot of the shirts i wear arent really form fitting. even the crop tops i wear are pretty loose lol. and when i do wear tight shirts i tend to hide behind a baggy sweater or some kind of covering

The thing you most like getting compliments on:

my face i guess? i take good care of my skin so its nice to get complimented on my skin lol

Lastly, do you love yourself? (If not you should!!)

i do! but i tend to have these really existential moments where i think that it shouldnt matter if i do. i just gotta experience the most compassion i can in my life and ill be ok ♡

no tags cuz not everyone wants to put their face on the interent but if you want to pls feel free to tag me ♡

[rainecloud020604]

🍊🏀☀️💥🐟🌸 For Keith,Charles,Josiah [If it's too much,just answer what you wish! <3]

🍊 Does your OC have any triggers? Why do these things trigger them? What are they like when triggered and how do they calm down after?

Keith - Blood is a trigger, which makes him turn violent and not himself, its hard to calm him down without getting hurt yourself if you arent super close, he normally takes a bit to calm down if,,you cant calm him down yourself, as long as there is no blood in the area he’ll calm down at some point, why this triggers him he doesnt exactly know all the details,,but war does things to people

Charles - war, anything related to such makes him have a mental break down and he will go and hide himself somewhere, as little time as he actually spent in it the effects of leaving and trying to hide hit him hard and he’s extremely traumatized by it, he’s very skittish and shaken, he doesnt wanna be near anyone when he’s vulnerable which is why he hides, normally he doesnt calm down after on his own, takes Jason there to calm him down and get him to relax and snap out of it

Josiah - he surprisingly doesnt have one, nothing that gets him to such a point

🏀 Does your OC have any skills that people wouldn’t expect them to have? Do they have a hobby or pass time that others would consider strange or weird? How did they learn this particular skill or pick up this hobby?

Keith - hah he doesnt actually asjdlfkad so noting i can really answer for this for any of the questions

Charles - he can actually, and surprisingly sing very well! it is also a small hobby he has cause he practices in his free time when he’s alone, he is self taught cause he just wanted a hobby that wasnt drinking or smoking-

Josiah - it might come as a surprise that he can knit! he’s very shy about it and does it in secret when he isnt busy as a pastime, he used to make clothing to blend in as a hobby after learning how by reading into it but Christine wont let him wear anything he makes outside of the house

☀️ How well does your OC take care of themself? Do they tend to put others before their own wellbeing and if so how often? What is their favourite way to pamper themself?

Keith - haaaah whats self care- yeah he doesnt really take great care of himself, his wellbeing hasnt really been on his mind since he was like 12 so others always goes first before his, and,,,eh if you count it its making sure his clothes look decent

Charles - he keeps up with himself for not only his sake but Jason’s and Phizzy’s as well, of course as much as he’ll keep up with himself he puts others before it always, he likes to make sure his hair is brushes and looks nice always

Josiah - as good as he physically is kept up mentally he isnt but thats for another day- others wellbeing should and is always put before his, he is to serve and not be cared for as he is told, he of course cant really take his time with small things like he wishes but making sure that his gloves are in good condition is as much as he can do

💥 Are there any emotions your OC doesn’t know how to deal with, doesn’t understand or hates having to feel? Any reason behind this?

Keith - he doesnt like being sad, he feels like it makes him weak and thats not what he wants at all, he doesnt handle it well 

Charles - he,,he doesnt like feeling guilty, he gets frustrated with it a lot and it brings back so many heavy memories with it he doesnt want to think about

Josiah - anger, it confuses him and scares him a lot, seeing Christine get mad is one thing, but him yelling or getting mad is something he doesnt like, he feels wrong because he shouldnt get mad

🐟 What was your OC like as a baby? What were they like as a child? A teenager? An adult? How do you think they’ll develop ten years into their future? Twenty years? Will they live to old age?

Keith - ehh tbh I have thought about it, as a baby he was very fussy constantly, but needed to be kept an eye on, as a child he was very stubborn, his parents werent great so he would fight with them a lot so he could do whatever because they only cared when they could punish or yell at him for it, as a teenager he was rather the same until he was thrown into war, where he became really violent, angry and prickish all at once which carried out to his adult years to where he is now, he isnt easy to have warm up to you, if he likes you consider yourself lucky as hell- this will pretty much be the same all of his life unless something happens and makes him weak and emotionally vulnerable, as a demon he will pretty much live forever until killed, so yeah i guess he will

Charles - as a baby he was actually very needy, which when as a child he was neglected by his family it didnt help him, he was still a needy child who just wanted comfort constantly but his parents didnt give it to him, as a young teen he was thrown into war and tried to leave it, which got permanently scarred for life, as an adult he has a very tough outer shell and snaps easily at people, he can be soft with close ones of course and acts like himself actually- of course his cold outer shell will eventually loosen up as he gets older (his anger will not hah) he is a demon and i do see him living a very long time  

Josiah - as a baby he was a very quiet bab but always wanted to be near someone, as a child he was very soft and sweet, he still is throughout his teen and adult years! and will stay this way for his entire life, which will be for,,pretty much eternity unless something happens

🌸 What’s a sentence that would make your OC’s day better? One that would make them laugh? One that would make their day worse? Why? What words would you have to say to them to completely ruin their day?

Keith - honestly, if you point out one small thing you actually like or appreciate about him it would make his day a bit better, positively of course- it’s,,,ehhh hard to make him laugh actually- normally seeing someone scared of him joking or just being himself in general will make him laugh though, and to ruin his day is pretty much piss him off or make him feel horrible for existing which is rather hard to do the second part, get under his skin about how he’s a monster

Charles - comment his look and it’ll make his day, his scar especially, as angry and cold as he acts, he’s a bit easy to make laugh if you say the right things, mainly if you’re just being a goof and messing around, poking fun at small things, make it worse and ruin his day is insulting him, especially about how he can be a freak or monster

Josiah - any sweet words will do the job, compliments, hell a smile will do that job just fine! he’ll laugh at a lot too, silly nonsense and small jokes, putting him down will for sure ruin his day, get into his head, comments about not fitting in, how he’s unfit, shouldnt be there will get to him a lot

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[darkicedragon]

darkicedragon on the one hand, muzaka running a wildlife rehabilitation centre on the other, too much organisation and meetings ;-; so maybe he just volunteers at a place instead aZure he goes 🥺 at Franken so he takes care of the meetings and organisation XD and he just goes to have fun with the animals owo darkicedragon naaaao, frankenstein has enough on his plate with the organisation stuff XDDDDD aZure and prolly Franken does it bc his best husband is so happy to take care of animals which is why he can have an assistant to help him uwu darkicedragon frankenstein appointed someone to run the wildlife org. its an offshoot of his company. to help the environment aZure Franken does get calls from the centre "Sir, your husband is hugging the tigers again." 

darkicedragon 'he knows how to look after himself and be safe. and the tigers know him' aZure "I think he is playing with their paw pads. We are too afraid to go and save him." Franken is used to coming home and finding like a lion just chilling in the sun he does say no at the giraffe "Had ta keep an eye on her but also had to make dinner." darkicedragon 'dear, stop bringing work home with you' 'like you dont answer your emails or write up reports at home? ô-o' '...' aZure XDDD touche darkicedragon 'he needs feeding every two hrs! i had to bring him in' aZure I feel like Muzaka would have a smol animal in his pockets every time like a squirel or a birb or something else darkicedragon yusssss aZure "Dear, what do you have there?" "Noooooothing? >w>''' he says as he slips a nut in his pocket darkicedragon something else that also needs constant care and feeding aZure the rehab center just expanding more and more bc Muzaka goes 🥺 at Franken, and he sighs and buys more land for him darkicedragon XDDD aZure "What is it this time?" "I saw sum cwocodiles that nweeded hwelp" darkicedragon 'look, if we got more messaging out that these animals are WILD ANIMALS and shouldnt be kept as pets, then we wouldnt need so many rehab centres :(' 'ill start talking abt making a new ad campaign then' 🥰 oh god aZure OH MY GOD, YES FOR SUPPORTIVE, LOVING BEST HUSBANDS darkicedragon muzaka starting a youtube channel abt all these things, and it gets big enough ppl are like ??? arent you that wildlife guy? when muzakas being a bodyguard 'nah, just someone who looks like me' 'with the same scar??' aZure "nooooooo?" "look, he looks just like you!" "uncanny resemblance :O" darkicedragon or muzaka has the clark kent effect, with the sunglasses and maybe his hair tied back and a suit whereas the youtube series, theres a looot of comments abt muzakas plunging neckline and long flowing hair and hes just in joggers or something aZure XDDD "I've glasses u don't know who I is" the cleavage thing tho XDDD OMGGG darkicedragon HE WAS FORCED TO BUTTON UP HIS SHIRT, OKAY. FORCED and he still popped the top two of them by flexing aZure but then the button popped : the sequel ahahahahha XDDD darkicedragon ahahaha yep XDD aZure yesssss oh my god, so many ppl will be thirsting for him XD darkicedragon hey, lots and lots of volunteers once the videos start going up! 8') muzakas happy with that, and he barely interacts with ppl bc hes always between picking up some other animal, or being a bodyguard, ahahahah aZure 'Dear, are my boobs big? The comments keep talking about that." "Yes." "... ah, neat" darkicedragon also, ppl assume the scar comes from some wild animal, so he suddenly doesnt look like a gangster with it XDDD aZure "they're also talking about my butt" "it's a nice butt" Franken saying this casually, as he drinks his tea and reads his paperwork yeeep XD all of his scars darkicedragon although i guess the series might backfire, bc ppl eventually start wondering how come muzaka doesnt age hmmmm aZure he prolly does retire at some point either that or Tao/Franken makes sure to edit the vids so the ppl don't connect the dots darkicedragon XDDDD 'AND THIS IS MY SON, WHO IS TAKING OVER FOR NOW' 'WITH THE EXACT SAME NAME. AND SCAR' aZure XDDD 'DEFINITELY PLAUSIBLE. SAME VOICE TOO" darkicedragon 'ALL INHERITED' either that or it turns into a keanu reeves meme aZure oh my god XD and Muzaka never denies it darkicedragon 'i saw someone who looks EXACTLY like muzaka and his husband frankenstein in a painting thats 200 yrs old! and they were married too! so OBVSLY muzaka is an immortal!!' aZure and ppl are losing their minds over it! darkicedragon YEP aZure "ah, yeah, it's true" darkicedragon or muzaka totally agrees. ahahah yes frankenstein just smiles if hes asked that question aZure "Oh my... Mr. Lee, what do you think of what your husband is saying?" "I think he is a hopeless romantic uwu" darkicedragon XDDDD darkicedragon ppl wondering how a wildlife guy got together with the ceo of the biggest organisations in the world 'muzakas hawt tho' unless muzaka makes offhand comments abt his husband but no-one can figure out who it is aZure Muzaka talks about his husband but never gives any info that can pinpoint him also gives contradictory information based on how Franken changes his appearance to blend in darkicedragon Talks abt 'i was just abt to have dinner with hubby but then the call came in ;-;' aZure "It's okay though, we did have a lovely dinner in Hawaii after his meeting with the shareholders" darkicedragon Pfffft aZure bc Muzaka would have no notion of ppl not travelling as much as him and he casually mentions places he went like 2 days ago "Geez, the Himalayas are so cold this time of the year" darkicedragon Ppl assume hes being sarcastic bc OFC hes busy with the wildlife centre and could never travel around the world for just a day!! aZure but then he says something v specific again and the ppl from that place are like >:O!!! "So this festival was amazing" [WAIT THERE WAS ACTUALLY A FESTIVAL LIKE THAT 3 DAYS AGO WTFFFF] darkicedragon 'google earth, right?? or he went last yr?? but he was here last yr!'

(Conversation with @madameazzure)

[conchstellations]

watching the 1990 LOTF movie!! my reactions:

hello all!!!! i was bored at midnight again so here it is: me watchin the 1990 movie, for the first time, hell yeah!!!!! here we go!!! its got the other movie to live up to, so im excited for a comedy lmao!! tl;dr at end if u want!!! its kinda long btw lmao

- castle rock entertainment??? piggy u better watch out bro

- fuck is that the pilot???

- k this isnt a big thing but why are they in water? the plane left a scar in the earth, they were on land.

- okay, again, me nitpicking. but idk, to me, they dont look 12?? maybe its just cause theyre all dressed up n that but they dont look like 12 yr olds to me like the last movie

- why tf does ralph (?) have a glowstick lmaooooo

- why are they all together. where is my conch. wher are my stupid ass choir outfits. maybe im not there yet and they have them, but i want my stupid cloaks!!! jack would not stand for this!!!

- why TF is the pilot alive???

- am i supposed to know whos who by now?? did i just miss that?? which ones ralph? which ones jack?? wheres simon???

- conch??? the conchs main job is to bring them together, and here theyre already together so???

- piggy already makin me love him gosh piggy is child

- okay so im guessing brown hair kid is ralph

- piggy protecting conch rights

- i do like piggys sass... very iconic

- okay whAT??? is that blonde kid supposed to be jack?? first off, jack has red hair. second off, there is no way in hELL THAT MY basTARD child jack merridew would let ralph win the election just like that??? wheres my choir??? wheres my c sharp???

- okay jack would for sure call piggy shitbrain nvm

- mY CHOIR WOULD NOT ACCEPT THAT SINGING. 

- wheres simon????

- r they fuckin cookin lizards??? nvm look away simon pls dont be in this

- is thAT BITCH supposed to be Simon?? hes got a lot to look up to. also why the FUCK is the adult alive. taht ruins the whole purpose of the entire book

- was that a dream??? sorry im dumb af lmao

- alrght simon is kind of an adorable hild and he likes lizard maybe hes valid?

- idk.. for some reason this ralph isnt like, giving me ralph vibes?? hes just not bring like ralphish u know??

- now im getting a little bit more of our beloved lil bitch ralph..

- okay wtf is going on lmao

- “SHOVE THEIR DICK IN THE CONCH” had me laughing for a solid fucking 30 minutes. william golding who??? whoever wrote that line is the new icon

- ‘EAT SHIT AND DIE”  okay wtffff im so confused but also vv entertained

- for some reason jack’s character is like 100% off, but also somehow 100% on point “thats exactly what i meant” like holy shit. like idk hes not jack but just sometimes he radiates “jack if he was allowed to swear and was less of a lil bitch” energy

- ok simon and lizard?? valid

- i swear to FUCKING GOD i will kill that child!!!

- im gonna cry. wtf. why would you kill his lizard. even this movie’s jack seems like he thinks thats fucked up and hes a psychopath. also, lemme say, at this point, i think most of the book characters would beat the shit out of someone if they were mean to simon like that, bc the choir were his friends, and ralphs tribe respected him, sooooo

- why tf is it simons job to take care of the adult that shouldnt even be there? liek wtf hes grieving asshole

- no fucking duh hes scared of everyone but simon i would be too 

- honestly kinda glad they let ralph say fuck he deserved it

- “back off man im sick of ur shit and sos my gang” fuckin got em

- let me guess pilot dude is the new beast???

- honestly wtf is goin on lmao

- okay piggys actor actually made me sd when he was crying about his glasses so good job

- simon comin through with the glowstick. also, good job simon

- well at least the lord of the flies looks terrifying as always

- are samneric putting on warpaint this early?? bc i WILL NOT stand for that shit. i am a samneric STAN Ok??? they were two of the tHREE left when simon died who didnt become cowards and go savage. they wree LOYAL to ralph until they were LITERALLY tied up and FORCED to join jack, and even then they helped ralph!!!! so fuck u. samneric are better than that.

- oh simon :(

- im glad they actually kind of (?) shwed simon like with the pig head bc last movei it was just ike them flipping the camera from pig to si so idkk

- ok that was a pretty ralph move to bring up the fire 24/7 lmao

- piggytits?? tf

- simon with hus fuckin glowstick lmao

- awe, simon

- okay HOLY SHIT. the sounds of what i assume to be them fucking stabbing simon are horrific. and then that cut to simon’s fucking mutiliated corpse?? holy SHIT. like as much as im complaining, thats the gruesome shit i expect from this book. i was expecting them to shy away from it bc its so awful, but im SO glad they didnt, bc that gave me fuckin chills. finally, something i can praise them on. thats the lord of the flies i expect. 

- i feel bad for ralph.. good job

- ok good. samneric came back. good job again.

- ok. nvm. the disrespect to my loyal children. alright.

- okay that child screaming as hes being whipped?? wtf.

- ok that line of piggy being scared that the russians will take them nad make them go into the olympics? gold. 

- piggys laugh is so pure

- why the fuCK are they finding instruments lmao

- poor piggy

- did roger just wolf whistle at ralph what the fuck is going on

- holy SHIt this movie does not hold back on the blood. but, wheres my conch explosion?? if ur gonna show him getting hit u gotta show the conch exploding. although, the conch means like nothing in this movie lmao

- okay wow piggys dead body cool cool cool

- ralph fucking YEETED that kid to the ground lmao

- okay, ralph crying?? good acting

tl;dr/conclusion/my thoughts: hooooo boy so i see why everyone likes 1960 one better. 

first, lets start with the obvious: why this isnt lord of the flies. because its not. if this wasnt telling me that its lord of the flies, i would think of it as that, really. first off, the conch. the conch represents civility, it brings them together. its important. when piggy dies, it dies, representing how all civility is now gone. i maybe saw the conch three times this movie. didnt do anything.

second, the pilot, captain whatever. the point of the beast to me is that they made it up. sure, the corpse was real, but it didnt pose a threat, it was simply a corpse. they made it into what it was, therefore proving that they are the beast. sure, the pilot here was harmless, but he grbbed a boy’s foot and was therefore making himself a possible threat. maybe its not a big deal i guess.

third, the characters. the point of lord of the flies is that they are rich kids who havent gone through anything. theyre the perfect, spoiled kids who havent done anything wrong. half of them are in choir. chOIR. in this movie, lets take jack for example. they said he stole  a car and got sent to military school. no. the point of jack is that he was a perfect kid. leader of choir. he was manipulitive and got even ADULTS to trust him. its part of hs character, showing that this perfect choir leader kid went fucking insane to prove how literally everyone can be evil. also samneric???? the direspect!! they were loyal to ralph until they were tied up and FORCED to join jack, and even then, after roger like beat the shit out of them, they were STILL loyal. fuck you.

so those are the MAIN reasons why it wasnt lotf. 

now, what i liked i guess.

the swearing was NOT lotf, and it didnt fit with the story, but ill admit that i laughed, so i guess thats a plus.

second, i liked how they showed the gore, i guess? sounds weird, hear me out. lord of the flies is a gruesome, violent, awful book. theres descriptions of death in detail, and im so glad they showed it. when simon’s body was there, literally torn to shreds? the shock of it, the true savagery you see that these boys murdered him SO violently, is amazing, because thats the essence of lotf. simons death shows how theyve lost all their civility, and showing such a gruesome corpse really brings that through. so good job.

and now, of course, the obvious: thats not the characters i pictured when i read the story. simon doesnt look like that, ralph doesnt look like that, jack doesnt look like that.

 where did the choir go, too? forgot to mention that, and i think that also adds into the whole, theyre supposed to be perfect kids and then become savage thing. also, the choir was a group. they voted for jack and went with him for a reason. 

so yea, thats that. dont know why people would read this lmao but thats my thoughts!!!! i just need to keep myself busy when i watch movies and to make sure i focused, i figured id just write down my thoughts as i went. if u wanna watch for free, look up lord of the flies 1990 google drive. 

;)))) and yea im posting this at 230 am lmao why not

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas : Fusion AU

Also on AO3! 

TL;DR: 

Fusion is an act of love (familial, romantic or platonic)! The deeper the relationship between 2 people, the easier they can fuse. This relationship doesn’t have to be a healthy one, but the happier the relationship is, the more stable the fusion is (looking at you, Izukatsu fusion).

Fusion is an act of love (familial, romantic or platonic)! The deeper the relationship between 2 people, the easier they can fuse. This relationship doesn’t have to be a healthy one, but the happier the relationship is, the more stable the fusion is (looking at you, Izukatsu fusion).

Normally (60% of the time) fusions have the 2 separate quirks with no interaction, and this is called having an “unfused” quirk. 39.5% of the time the fusion may develop a third ability. This is indicative of a strong bond between fusion components or of inherent compatibility.

0.5% of the time the quirks “fuse” as well as the fusion. Their quirks combine into a new quirk, related to, but not one of the 2 component quirks. These quirks are ridiculously strong and often make up Hero (and villain) Teams.

There is no link between pre-existing relationship and the fusion of a quirk, it either happens with the first fusion or it never happens at all. There is a strong link between quirk fusion and having a good interpersonal relationship but its such a rare phenomenon that its not really understood.

Fusion Overviews

Aizashi (Aizawa and Yamada (Hizashi))

Quirk: Voice + Erasure (Unfused)

Extra Ability: Paralytic Scream

             Anyone who hears their scream will be frozen for it’s duration. The longer they use this skill, the more damage it does to their vocal chords. Too long and they may be rendered mute, even after unfusing.

Status: Stable + (The most stable a fusion can be. They will only split if they want to)

their undereye scar is the waveform of Mics yell

laidback and cheerful, cares a lot about their friends but tries to play it cool. Really snarky and super sarcastic but has a big soft side, especially for their students.

smarter than anyone remembers to give them credit for, a really good teacher

they comfort-fuse to make themselves feel better. They love each other so Aizashi loves themselves and loves existing

Misou (Midoriya + Shinso)

Quirk: Indominable (Fused)

             As long as they can control their emotions and keep focused they are always as strong as they need to be. This applies to durability and to force.

Status: Stable

a soft young man that wants to be a hero v badly and is also bitter as fuck

really anxious but hides it by being snarky

pretty balanced. They balance each-others flaws very well.

Midoroki (Midoriya + Todoroki)

Quirk: Half Hot / Half Cold + One for All (Unfused Quirk)

Extra Ability: Electro-bend

             Weak electricity control. Can’t generate electricity on their own was but bend it to their will. They can use this on the sparks One for All produces, but it takes a lot of concentration.

Status: Stable

Nice, but super petty and spiteful, is soft smiles until he punts people in firey rage.

Loads of daddy issues like wow

Will throw down for his friends, has very little regard for his own safety.

Extras

izuku, even before ofa had the weird property of supercharging a fusion, bosting another’s quirk without having his own to add

sludge monster izu n katsuki fuse to get away cause izukastu's explosions are wild as fuck, they defuse like 1 sec later, izu crying n bakugo trying to forget th hot mess of emotion izu is

One for All likes combining with other quirks, to the point that all fusions with OfA in the mix have a third ability, and around 10% have a fused quirk.

cause a sof toshiizu fusion

also allmight n izuku fuse at the usj n they Fuck Shit Up

n everyone is shook because fusing is Super Difficult n all might n izuku shouldnt know eachother

durring the stain thing when todo yells at iida, iida takes his hand n they fuse

Izuku and Shinso first fused durring their fight in the sports festival because they just wanted to show each other what they ment. They unfused afterwards and continued the fight but not as angrily as before.

A mid tournament fusion has only happened once in recent memory (it was mic and aizawa)

izuku asking nicely iF shinsou can join 1A's fusion practise n aizawa just kinda shrugs "i guess?? "

shinsou n izuku fuse super well n they complement eachother v nicely. shinsou makes izuku braver and izuku makes shinsou more self confident so you just have a stupid strong and stable fusion

call them a villain? the no. 1 hero thinks they can take his place. bakugo?? shinsou is ready to throw down on this terrible boy

hes functionally unbeatable ( none of the unfused pros/ students can take him down) and hes honestly super nice and likable

Bakugo and Izu can fuse much to everyone's surprise including their own

ok so eri n izuku fuse durring the hideout raid n they are w i l d they know they got a third ability but they Dont want to use it because wtf could it be

they just kinda, dont touch it, at all

Eri fusing with anybody would just be crazy powerful

eri likes to fuse w izu n mirio to make her feel better when shes scared

nighteye n allmights quirks fused into basically the quirk puppeteering them because they always know exactly what to do and have the power to do it. nighteye misses knowing exactly what to do, n so does all might

[shes-claws-deep]

Bumblebee - Christmas Reunion

Not a Bumblebee/Charlie fic. Don’t tag as such.

“Do you want to go visit her?”

Bumblebee jumps to his feet with a cry, his hands flying to his chest and his head snapping down to see you staring up at him with an amused little smile on your face.

“Visit…who?” The radio crackles as it switches channels.

You nod to the well-worn picture he has in his huge hand. “That girl there. That was from when you first fell, right?”

The scout looks down at the picture, his finger tracing across the girl’s face gently. “She…was…my first friend.” The yellow beetle in the corner looked worn and in disrepair, a sign of the state he was in when he first arrived. “She saved me.”

“I know,” you murmur, stepping close so you can tug his hand down, carefully examining the photo and the date stamped in the corner. “1987. That’s uh, that’s a while ago, hey?”

A sad trill. He sags a little and crouches down again, his antennae falling flat against his helm and his optics turning downcast. Like this, he looks like a kicked puppy, those baby blues casting a soft light upon the old picture. The radio crackles to life once more, the old thing spitting out a record so old that you haven’t heard it in ages.

O, my love, my darling I’ve hungered for your touch A long lonely time Times goes by so slowly And time can do so much

You smile, leaning against his leg and peering at the photo. “She has good taste.”

Bumblebee whirrs and nods, the radio spinning once more to play some of the classics she showed him. For a good hour, you sit with him, singing along and dancing when certain beats urge him to move his body to the tune. The clanging and stomping draw a certain pair of twins who eagerly join in, showing off their jet judo skills as they do. Bumblebee, refusing to be outclassed, keeps jamming, his doorwings fluttering with his every move.

It’s adorable to see him expressing joy over the memory of his old friend instead of sadness like before. The picture rests safely in your hands as the soldiers dance the night away, and it is then that an idea hits you.

“Where…are we…going?” The radio dial twists and turns of its own volition as you drive Bumblebee down winding mountain roads.

“Oh, just a little joyride,” you reply with a secretive smile. “Don’t worry, I asked the Commander for permission.”

The scout chirps curiously, prodding you for answers and guessing when you still refuse to tell. After a while he stops asking, but then starts to poke you. Just a little bit.

The seats move back and forth. The seatbelt tightens and loosens. The gearstick switches positions whenever you go to change gears. The air vents shifting and blowing hot and cold air in your face. It should be annoying rather than funny but you can’t help but snort and let him disturb you as much as he likes. Anything to distract him from where you’re bringing him.

Also, he’s your backup driver if his antics do distract you from the road.

It takes the better part of a day to get where you need to be and by the time you do get there, night has fallen. The stars twinkle merrily above you, cold beacons of light that frame the pretty town below the dark sky.

“It’s beautiful~” A woman croons out from the radio, Bumblebee’s wondrous whirr following behind it.

“It is, isn’t it?” You smile and head into town, pulling down into a suburb filled with little apartments and houses.

329.

331.

333.

335- Ah, here you are.

You stop at the curb, getting out. “Wait here for a minute, okay?”

“Roger that.” You can almost imagine Bumblebee’s signature salute – a fist pump high into the air. It makes you smile. Well, that and the thought of how he might react in a couple of minutes.

The little apartment block is clean and well maintained if perhaps a little old, but you’re not here for the building. You’re here for who’s in it. Up one flight of stairs. Another. Then you knock on a door.

“Just a moment!”

Shuffling. Thumps. Then a “Shhh honey, go into your room. Mommy will be back soon, okay?” A pause, then the door cracks open just a little. “Can I help you, miss?” A pair of sweet, dark eyes peep out from the crack of the door.

You smile reassuringly, easing out of your military posture to flash her a picture on your phone.

Utter silence. The woman’s jaw drops and her wide-eyed gaze flits up to yours. Then she sets her jaw and nods. “One moment.” The door is shut, chains undone, and she opens the door wide to let you in. “Come on in.”

“Thank you.” You nod at her, wiping your shoes and staying in the entryway as she checks the bedroom doors and calls her husband to her side. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything, ma’am.”

“Oh no!” She shakes her head, dark curls falling around her pretty face as she comes back around the corner. “It’s fine. Just putting the kids away after dinner is all.”

It’s then that her husband pops his head out of the kitchen to join her, his poofy hair appearing before his kind face does. “A drink for you, miss?”

Shaking your head, you reiterate that you’ll only take a moment.

The woman and her husband exchange a knowing glance and he steps out of the kitchen, still wiping his hands with his apron. She takes a deep breath and lets it out, opening her mouth to start speaking when you cut her off with a gentle hand.

“I don’t think I know your name, miss, but I probably shouldn’t know either. I just wanted to know if you are indeed the young lady in this photo.” You wave the phone, the picture of a picture still displayed. “If so, I have someone you should meet.” That sounds bad. “Uh, I mean, not the military. I am from the military but the ‘someone’ isn’t the military.”

Both woman and man crack a smile. “You’re cute,” the woman comments, her eyes tearing up a little as she takes the phone gingerly from you. “Where did you find this photo?”

Doffing your knuckles on your chest, you quip, “Thank you. I think I’m cute too.” Then, falling back into seriousness, you lean forward and gesture for the phone back. “I got it off a little bee. They carry a lot more than just pollen, you know?”

Her hands immediately fly up to cup her mouth, her throat bobbing as though struggling to swallow, and her husband presses his solid form up against her – a solid pillar for her to lean on. “Is-please, if you’re lying-”

“I’m not.”

She chokes out a wet laugh, bending over ever so gradually, chanting ‘oh my god’ under her breath. As though gathering herself together, she pulls herself up and squares her shoulders. “Please, can you-” Then something hits her and she looks at the closed doors to her children’s’ rooms.

Her husband pipes up then, soft eyes also filling up with tears and his hair bobbing as he jerks his head in the direction of the rooms. “I’ll take care of them, babe. You go see him.”

“I won’t make you take long, ma’am,” you chime in.

“Thank you.” Her voice is wheezy and thin but her body stands firm as you usher her out.

Your voice is quiet as you descend down the flights of stairs. “We’ll have to drive out to a quieter area. He isn’t outlawed here but…just in case.”

She smiles wetly and nods in agreement, still too choked up to speak properly. However, when you lead her out to the pavement, she freezes and sways a little. You grasp her gently, guiding her into the passenger seat and getting into the driver’s side yourself.

Beneath you, you can feel Bumblebee still, his radio falling silent after playing some silly songs for himself. You can feel him relinquish all control to you as he keeps his attention on the woman in his passenger seat. He doesn’t even pay attention to where you’re going, only that you drive him into a secluded area of the nearby park, only that you get out and give him the all-clear signal after fiddling with your jammer pack. Only that the woman in his seat is crying softly as he transforms before her.

Bumblebee kneels, his polished armour gleaming in the light of the streetlamps, the scratches and scars coming into stark relief, his new form alien and familiar at the same time. The woman wipes away her tears roughly, laughing as she launches herself into his arms. “‘Bee!”

“Hello again…Charlie.”

You smile, tears also building in your eyes as you watch their heartfelt reunion after thirty years. Turning away, you ready yourself to do a patrol of the area just in case someone stumbles upon the lot of you. As you do, though, your radio crackles and a scratchy voice comes through and a big smile cracks across your face.

“Thank you, my love.”

Turning around, you wink at the bot who is gazing at you with wide, baby blue optics, and mouth, “Happy Christmas, Bumblebee.”

[ihavealavalamp]

im so sorry but do All Of Them for trying (or multiples of 5)

hell YEA here we go

What is their favourite food? honestly he doesn’t eat a whole lot cause he feels nauseous a lot and also he’s just real bad at taking care of himself hdhdh,, but he does like pastries and sweet food a lot, stuff like cookies and things like that! he doesnt have that healthy of a diet fgdf

Do they have a fear of an animal? If so, what animal? he has no fear of anything Ever

What do they wear to bed? usually just the same clothes he wore during the day hdhdh

Do they like cuddling? you bet he does!! he’s really bony and sharp though so like rip whoever’s cuddling him

Do they have a secret handshake with anyone? he used to probably

What do they look like? he’s 5’10 and thin to a most definitely unhealthy state, he’s got bright pink skin with darker splotches, gray eyes, a Variety of scars (one across his nose and cheek, claw marks across his right leg, one on his right arm, one that runs from the palm of his left hand to his wrist, probably more under the clothes), big ol wings, a tail, white hair, some good horns, big ears, aaand a wonderful smile

Do they like chocolate? oh hell Yeah he does

What are their good and bad traits? for good he’s very friendly and charismatic, and has no problem with starting conversations with anybody, he’s very easygoing and not one to judge or jump to conclusions about people. for bad he has absolutely no self preservation and tends to get himself into dangerous situations intentionally just for he hell of it. and also like. i guess the best way to say this is that to him, the frame of his life is only big enough for him, and him only. he doesn’t care much for the well-being of others or consider how his actions may hurt other people, and his attachments to people are,, flimsy at best, he’s not the kind of person you can rely on

Do they have any artistic talent? he has musical talent but drawing ain’t his forte hdhdh

What is their favourite room to be in, in the house they live in?he doesn’t have a house! he does have a room somewhere though, so i guess it’s default his favourite cause it’s the only one he has hdhfh

Do they believe in luck? luck is the only reason he’s still alive of Course he does hdhdh

Can they do magic? yeah he’s a magic boy!

Do they believe in dragons? yes and he probably wants to meet one someday!

What is a pet peeve of theirs? people chewing loudly probably. Gross

What was the last thing they cried about? everything Hurting probably

What is their sexuality? he’s bi!

Do they have a best friend? If so, who, and what makes them their best friend? at one point yes but not anymore

Have they ever been in a romantic relationship? see above

What does their relationship with their family look like? Are they close? Distant? Ect. it was good, but too short

Do they have a pet? does the murderous wolf made up of evil shadow magic count

Do they have a familiar? see above

Are they a supernatural being? Depends

How do they usually wear their hair? most times he just keeps it down, but he does pull it into a small ponytail every once in a while! it’s too short to do much else though

Can they play an instrument? If so, what instrument and what can they play? he plays the flute! and guessing by the fact that he got a 24 on his performance roll to play it, he’s pretty damn good at it!! he became inspired to try out music after seeing one of walter’s performances, so he probably likes playing whatever he heard walter play

What type a high schooler are/were they? he never went to school, but he’d be the type of chaotic class clown that the teacher can never get mad at

Have they ever been in a physical fight before? If so, with who? Who won?i guess what happened was sort of a physical fight? he didnt win the fight but he ended up being the only one standing so like i guess he won

What is their favourite holiday? not sure if he has one!

If they could have one wish, what would they wish for? more time

Do they wants kids? If they already have kids, do they want more? trying is a terrible influence this is terrifying

Do they have a job? nope!

Do they know how to drive? that’s a scary thought

Do they get stressed out easily? nah, usually he’s the one causing the stress

Did they ever dye their hair before? If so, to what colour? Did they like it? he didn’t exactly dye it, but it was the same colour as his splotches before it was white

Have they ever broken the law? haha. Yeah

Do they own a plant? he can’t even keep Himself alive much less a plant

Have they ever rode a horse before? probably!

What is their favorite gif? i’m not sure!

Do they get along with others easily? yeah! he’s very easygoing. the length of how long the other person can deal with his shit Depends though hdhdh

Do they have any tattoos? kinda?

If I wanted to draw them, what would be distinct physical features that I would have to know to draw them correctly? the wings and the face scar are a Must

What is their favourite breed of dog? Every dog. you expect him to pick just one?

Do they live with anyone? If so, who? ssssort of?

Where is their dream vacation? well the feywilds was pretty Neat, i’m sure he wants to check out other kinds of realms too hdhdh

Do they know more than one language? yeah! he knows common, infernal, abyssal, and braille.

Are they a quick learner? very!

Have they ever won a contest before? If so, what for? What did they win? probably yeah! he’s very lucky

If the world were to end in 24 hours, where would they be and who would they be with? he lives every day like that’s the case cause it just might be for him, so he’d probably just carry on his usual routine

What does their room look like? he doesn’t stick around long enough/care enough to figure out the interior design so like, fuck if he knows dhhdhd

If they could have an extinct animal for a pet, what would they have? a Dinosaur

If they got called out by someone, what would they do? probably laugh it off and continue doing it cause he’s The Worst

Have they ever shot a gun before? THAT’S TERRIFYING

Have they ever been axe throwing? bold of you to assume he can lift an axe, much less throw it

What is something that they want but can’t have? once again. more time

Do they know how to fish? i’d like to think so!

What is something they always wanted to do but too scared? absolutely nothing, this boy has no fear

Do they own their own baby pictures? s. sorta

What makes them standout among others? probably the whole lanky tall bright pink tiefling with big wings thing. also he’s a far traveler, so he just stands out in general

Do they like to show off? you bet he does!

What is their favourite song? probably whatever song he heard walter play when he saw him perform!

What would be their dream vehicle? a t-rex. imagine that

What is their favourite book? he found a really neat braille book a few years back! he enjoyed it a lot but it disappeared after he read it which is a shame :/

Who, in their opinion, makes the best food? he doesn’t have much of an opinion on that

Are they approachable? i. i dont know, is he??? you tell me, im really not sure gfdgdf

Did they ever change their appearance? yeah he used to have differently coloured eyes and hair. his hair used to be much shorter as well, but he’s grown it out over the years.

What makes them smile?anything honestly, he’s easy to please

Do they like glowsticks? he probably used to, the appeal is gone now though

What is something that is simple, but always makes them smile? a lot of things, honestly. birds singing, a nice breeze, a particularly soft material. he’s a simple man

Are they a day or night person? night! it’s quieter, and the air feels nice. he used to like the stars too

Are they allergic to anything? gfgd god yeah he probably has like five different allergies

What do you, the creator of this OC, like most about them? he’s very nosy and has no regard for boundaries which is good cause i get to be as nosy as i want when i play him and i can just ask Anything with no consideration of social standards!!

Who is their ride or die? himself

Do they currently have a significant other? If not, are they going to get one later one? who knows!

What attracts them to another person? that’s a mystery even to me

Who is one person that can always make them laugh? anyone honestly, it’s easy to make him laugh

Have they ever partied too hard and their friends had to take them home? k. kinda?

Who would be their cuddle buddy? the party probably gfdgdf, especially ruby and mantis

Who would cheer them up after a long day? he cheers himself up! or at least. he tries to

If they had a nightmare, who would they run to? trying doesnt dream, so he’s gucci

What object to the care for the most? he has a locket that he wears all the time, it’s his most precious belonging.

Do they like other people’s children? he likes children! he just shouldnt be trusted with them because he will teach them every swear word in three different languages in record time

How would they react if someone broke into their home? “oh hey dude what’s up”

Does anyone make them have butterflies in their stomach? nope

What is something that they are good at? he sure can play music..? and cause destruction wherever he goes. and make people worried about him gfgfg

What is their neutral expression? a sort of mischevious smile probably

Do they like to cook? nah

What is something they can’t leave home without? his locket but that’s about it

Who is someone that they rely on? no one in particular

Do they liked to be tickled? he doesn’t mind it but be prepared to get tickled back

Have they ever been a sword fight before? i dont believe he can even use a sword gfdgdf

What is a joke that they would find funny? think of the lamest, most unfunny joke you have ever heard. that one.

Do they have a place that can go and turn off their brain? only way he can do that is through sleeping

What was their childhood like? picture perfect for the first four years, shit went wrong when he was 5, it was Decent all things considered until he was around 10, shit went really wrong then, and it just kept going downhill from there

What are they like as an adult? a ticking time bomb of chaos

Do they take criticism well? yeah i guess gfdgf he just doesnt pay it any mind

Have they ever jumped out of a plane? no but god he would

Who do they like to make jokes with? any poor sucker within the vicinity

Have you ever drawn them before? If you are comfortable with it, would you post a picture?here’s some!

[lairep]

Hello, everyone! (＠＾◡＾)

First of all, thank you so much for all the support and all the tags and (somehow) all the new follows. I’m honestly surprised you’re all still here, whoa. THANK YOU. WHY ARE YOU ALL SO WONDERFUL I DONT UNDERSTAND

I knoooow I’ve been gone longer than should have been allowed, but my life has basically fallen apart these past weeks and it is insane.

I sound completely blehh about it right now, but I’m honestly holding on to the last threads of my sanity. It’s come to the point where I sound/feel almost indifferent to the shitstorm that I’ve been going through lately.

(WARNING: depressing-ish long post below)--------

I have gone in the red financially, to the point that I’ve sold my beloved Cintiq (my drawing tablet, my child, my true love) to make it through the month and to have something to help my pregnant friend too. Sold my phone too, and I’m also selling my Xbox 360 as well. My 3DS will probably be next. i cry

My situation right now is a total reversal of how I was a few years ago---and the biggest reason?

I lent out my savings. There are at least 3 people who owe me about 2500-3000$ each and not one has paid me even a cent. I have none left in my account.

I sound bitter about that, and some people have told me I have every right to be, but it makes me feel doubly bad feeling that way. 2 of them are family and they needed the money for medical expenses, and I can see first-hand that they actually can’t afford to pay me yet so... yeah.

I feel guilty wanting my money back, I guess. It’s not like they spent it on useless things. Health is more important. I’d rather go broke having saved lives, than rich and stingy and watching people’s health deteriorate. It could be altruism or I could just be dumb af. Or altruistically dumb af. Whatever.

But my situation right now is the worst I’ve ever been in my life. I am forced to rely on my mother and I feel so bad. Everything makes me feel so bad lately.

I spent the majority of my tumblr absence working to pay for my study visa fees and my tuition, by the way. It’s a temporary side-job which I will be free from at the end of the month. Unfortunately, my earnings for this job isn’t enough to cover another thing in my life that requires some big bucks:

Eye surgery.

I am undergoing eye surgery this 23rd. I’m actually reluctant to think about it or mention it because I’ve never undergone surgery before and I am so nervous and scared. But I’ve mentioned it now so hello reality

I've started having eye problems since 2 years ago-ish (not counting my severe nearsightedness since childhood). It’s only become apparent that I’ve got scarring in my corneas and scratches in my sclera around early September. and now we’re pushing to fix the problem because it is uncomfortable and often gets so bad that I’m nearly blind even when I’m wearing my glasses. Also it stings. It’s like there’s something constantly in my eyes, scratching behind my eyelids and rubbing it makes it worse and it’s honestly just nightmarish ugh

So now I’m going to owe my mom close to 2100$ for my surgery. She says it’s a gift but under normal circumstances I could’ve afforded that so ksfjlkfdj;sdljkflgjk I SHOULDNT LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH BUTD DKLGJDJK

So until I recover from the surgery, I probably won’t be around for even longer.

And until I get a new tablet, there won’t be any art either. I don’t have a phone to take shit pics of my doodles either. Fanfics cannot be written until my eyes accept the light of a computer screen (as an example of how bad it is, it’s taking me 6+ hours to write this post because it hurts to look at a screen for too long).

Sorry for all the bad news. I’d love to bear good news but there... really aren’t any. And I feel terrible not having updated because I know a lot of people are worried I’ve probably died or worse-----

BUT WORRY NOT. I am alive. I’m a survivor. I’m gonna make it. I'm not gonna stop. I’ll keep on surviving.

This update is just in case I die during surgery go blind after the surgery and never be able to get back online until tumblr braille becomes a thing (unless it already is).

All I can ask for is for everyone to take care of themselves and keep being cool and happy. And also probably some kind of luck to come my way for the remainder of the year. Maybe it’ll be the second season of ML. I don’t know. I just want one good thing in my life, guys. Just one. :c

I hope you’re all doing well. Please do well for me. I love you all. I miss you all. I MISS YOU STUPID CATSON CHAT Don’t be afraid to keep tagging me or @ mentioning me or messaging me, because it means I have something to look forward to when I finally get online for real!

HAVE A GREAT DAY! (*¯ ³¯*)♡

PS: Yes. all my previous posts were queue’d. Some of them didn’t have the lai’s q tag on I guess, bc xkit. :c Sorry if you thought I was ignoring you, I was actually really away.

[beer-and-breakdowns]

1-117 ;)

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

I guess I’m not too confused at the minute, but a confusing situation I deal with sometimes is falling for someone that I probably shouldnt, and not knowing how to and not being able to deal with it.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

Sometimes. Rarely though.

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

Yes, and no. I’d be concerned and probably kind of annoyed, but I guess its their life, yano.

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

Yeah! Sometimes too easy, but I’m a positive dude.

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

I was probably listening to music knowing me

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

Probably my boi, Leo

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

My heart would drop and I would get upset and angry. I would probably confront my partner and take it from there.

8: Are you close with your dad?

Yeah, to an extent. I’m happy with it, we’re not NOT close, I guess we could be closer, but we’re close!

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

Hahahahaha, next joke

10: What are you listening to?

Shadows Fall, and I highly recommend them to anyone and anything with ears

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Ummmmmmm, this is hard. Probably something lemony, like 7-up or sprite, but my answer would probably be different tomorrow

12: Do you like hickeys?

Kinda, not gonna lie. In small amounts obviously, lets not look battle scarred… unless thats ur thing

13: What time do you go to bed?

Way later than what is healthy

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

I dont think so

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

After some highly scientific testing… nope

16: Do you always answer your texts?

I try but I’m horrible at seeing messages and notifications

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

Odd question, no, quite the opposite actually

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

Today!

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

If prof. pictures count, sure

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I think I was too tired to think, so probably just thoughts about actually sleeping

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

Nope… unless theres a ghost in here o.o

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

Depends

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

Probably not

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

I guess, but I dont dwell on that stuff

25: In the past week, have you cried?

Nope

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

Grey. Not black, for once.

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

Actually, yes sometimes

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

Maybe

29: Do you have a best friend?

Yup!!:)

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

Heck no

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

I had a text from my dad lmao

32: Are you mad at anyone?

I dont think so

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yup

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

20

35: How many more days until your birthday?

Woah, ummm, 88 I think

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

Nope, but I have been on a vacation at the start of summer already so probably nothing, rip

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

More than my own sex

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

Nah

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

Maybe, but I’m not sure

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

Yup

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

Depends, if you’re both consenting adults then nope, if you’re happy, you’re happy

42: Are you available?

You know it

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

Well, high school actually JUST ended for me, so one

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

If I HAD to, probably nose I guss maybe?? I’m not a huge piercing guy so idk

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

Definitely, I’m friends with most of my exes, just dependa why you borke up

46: Do you regret anything?

Kinda, maybe, but again, I tend not to dwell

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

Good music and a love interest… sounds like the title of something relatively mediocre hahaha

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

Yeah

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

Probably

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

Ummmm, a few reasons

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

Probably

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

Very very very rarely

53: What was the last thing you ate?

Pizza, lmao, whats health?

54: Did you get any compliments today?

I think, maybe

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

Very unsure

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

I think so

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

Girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

Wales for 100% of my life

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

Ages ago, I dont go anywhere hahaha

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

Yeah, but not like THE spin the bottle, just the version everyone plays as kids, so actually, no

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

No, thats lame

62: Who do you text the most?

I dont text, sooooo, I guess my dad

63: What was the last movie you saw?

Kong: Skull Island, and it wasn’t great, not gonna lie folks

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

I dont have one, so literally nothing hahaha

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

None that I can remember, so if I did have any, they must have been pretty lame, but that was a decent year. MITB 2011, Cena Vs. Punk, Great match ;)

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

Nope

67: Do you curse around your parents?

Nah

68: Are you happy with where you live?

Yeah, why not

69: Picture of yourself?

It’ll be on the end, yo

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

Monogamous, but if people are happy in oepn ended relationships I got no issues

71: Have you ever been dumped?

Yup

72: What do you most like about making out?

Everything. Thats a cheap answer but making out is one of my favourite things on this planet.

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

Nope

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

Mixed bag really, sometimes

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

Depends, I like faces obviously. Hair can be really pretty. Um, I dunno if this is weird but hands can be pretty sometimes I guess hahaha. Midriffs are cool too h'okay

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

I cant remember tbh, is that bad??

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

Nope

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

Nope

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

Y O U

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

If I really likes them and I was ready for the responsibility yeah. Right now, probably not.

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

Yeah

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

Not a lot of people

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

Nope

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

Like, never hahaha

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

Yeah

86: How can I win your heart?

Have a good taste in music, be funny, be as kind and caring as you can be and support me at all times, just love me gosh darn it

87: What is your astrological sign?

Libra

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Watching YouTube videos

89: Do you cook?

I cant cook a lot of dishes, but yeah I think I can

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

Depends what ya mean by “flame”

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

Yes

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

Monogamous, sometimes too quickly

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

This is gonna feel petty, but its a petty question. I have a major thing for blonde hair. I like natural looks, nothing fancy or over the top. Small is cute, but then so is tall sometimes, depends on the person.

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

The right relationshipMoneyA custom built guitarA record deal

95: Are you a player?

No

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

Nope

97: Are you a tease?

I can be I guess

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

Not YET

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

Yeah

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

Yeah

101: Hugs or Kisses?

Both are AWESOME, depends on the situation, I guess off the top of my head, kisses

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

I can be

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Depends, sometimes its their personality, other times its their appearence, depensa what I’m paying more attention to at the time

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

Yeah

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

Nah, thats bad, it would suck, but I’d do the right thing

106: Do you flirt a lot?

Sometimes

107: Your last kiss?

My ex

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

Maybe, but idk

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

Nooe

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

The person I like

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

Nope

112: Does someone like you currently?

I have no idea

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

Yup

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

Honestly, serious relationships

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

Nope

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

Depends on how good the relationship is

117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.

Nice question ;)

[elvesofnoldor]

lmao ok its like almost 1am and i gotta sleep but um ok maybe i shouldnt say the bombings “isn’t entirely justified”, cause it isn’t justified. at all. have to say i didnt make that clear, my fault, but at the same time, lol it isnt the point of my posts. anyways, i dont know their trauma, and i make no attempts talking about their trauma. but ive seen documentaries. ghost of people casted on broken radiated stones cause they are pulverized at the centre of a nuclear explosion, horrific scars on survivors’ bodies, the trauma materializing in popular culture in the form of monster--trauma thats probably never gonna be healed. Japanese folks sure arent silent about their trauma and the horrific aftermath of the bombings, and the world listened. you all sure are passionated abt talking abt their trauma, for some reason. that post about gozilla got like 100k notes lmao. ive seen multiple posts about how unjustified the bombings are during my time here.  is it bc u all are into anime and watched grave of fireflies? lol? 

u know i know large size national traumas caused by war...are not comparable, i dont wanna talk abt what happened to nanking, or other places or regions during sino japanese war. its not comparable. but u all think i dont know and i dont care what happened to hiroshima and nagasaki? i know and i cared! for the longest time i didnt know how to feel abt it, any of it. but also im tired of seeing japanese folks using their own trauma to play the victim mentality, positioning themselves as victims of WWII when they 100% aren’t lol. I’m tired of nobody caring about that, since while they are playing victim mentality, Japanese war criminals are being honoured as heroes, the Japanese government still refuses to make a apology about the invasion they wouldn’t retract afterwards, and japanese imperalism is still alive in Japan! japanese history textbooks are imbedded with worrying messages, and dude! i didnt came up with these, people whos gone to Japan and studied Japanese history curriculum did! They are documentaries (in Chinese tho) about how Japanese history textbook refuses to call their invasion of China (and probably other asian countries like korea etc), an “invasion”. There are questions asking the kids if Japan would win against China when the country engage China in a 100 years from now. Not IF there would be an engagement. the premise of the question is that there will be another conflict! 

i said my great grandpa died in nanking massacre. he most likely did. (u know they spread news abt the massacre after it happened, in America. it probably just helped Americans to justify their ultimate engagement with imperial Japan’s military after pearl harbour happened) idk how long, probably two years ago, my mom told me about grandma. she told me that my great grandpa went to Nanking to run some errands, right after he went, grandma and her sisters lost contact with him and the city’s gate shuts down--the massacre begins. My grandpa was never heard of again. My mom said, “we couldn’t even find his body”. There are too many mass graves in nanking, no one could find anybody’s bodies, esp an insignificant person like my great grandpa who isnt a permanent residence of the city. i asked my mom, “so he got killed by the japanese?”. my mom said “well yeah, probably.” so no, im not sure abt it, but i dont have to have a great grandfather dying in the massacre to justify my anger abt the massacre and japan’s continuous denial of the massacre. It’s national pain, it’s national trauma too. However, for a while i actually like to think that he didnt died at the hands of japanese. I thought that, its entirely possible he just abandoned my grandma and his sisters and run away in the middle of chaos. even now, i thought that, maybe i misheard what my mom said. maybe my mom misheard from grandma. a while ago, folks in China were being foolish and boycotting Japanese products. Irrational and unproductive hate tbh, and boycotting Japanese brands only wreck Chinese economy cause none of these products being sold in China are produced in Japan lol. I didn’t wanna be one of these people giving to unproductive hate and irrational anger. but seems like, thats really above me. Anyways, theres a lot of speculations, but what i do know is that grandma had a hard life without the main financial support (my great grandpa) in her life. she lived in poverty all her life, travelled from shanghai all the way to beijing for work. never get the education she deserves, was a factory worker her whole life.  

i thought abt grandma a lot these days. my grandma died on 4th of july, 2006. its been 11 years today (or rather, yesterday, in my time zone). i realize i couldnt even remember much of her voice or face, and that makes me incredibly sad. i was gonna talk abt missing her and about the whole legacy of 2nd sino japanese war during WWII, at one point. But i guess its gonna be today at 1am lol--seems like an awkward time to do that since i just went the fuck off on tumblr dot com lmao. i wanted to go off abt this whole thing for at least a year now tho lmao. hope grandma wouldn’t mind i start thinking about all these after my mom revealed bits of info about her life. i miss her a lot and i wished i could have known her better, but there wasn’t enough time. 

this is a mass of disorganized rambling and i dont even know where to begin to tag triggers for this post.....idk maybe dont read idk 

[tumblunni]

OH MAN GEEZ IM FUCKIN EMOTIONAL ALREADY black butler: book of circus spoilers below:

oh god, the ways they expanded the story for the anime are SO FUCKIN SAD I kinda like that they made it so you actually do see the circus crew kidnapping children this time. I mean, I dont think its made to make them any less sympathetic, but it definately reminds you that the playing field is even here and they’re morally complicated rather than just poor innocent victims of mr evil protagonist. Also its REALLY GORY and REALLY PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR

Its so messed up, seriously These poor kids are being sent to kidnap other kids, by a creepy asshole murder pedophile fuck. And they dont know WHY theyre kidnapping kids, they don’t know what happens to the ones they hand over. And they’re all JUST FUCKING KIDS, they’re fucking children who’re all heavily disabled in different ways and LITERALLY owe their life to this horrible villain man. And they dont know why they were saved and why these other kids are.. going.. somewhere else. And they really dont know whether to trust their ‘father’, but its pretty clear they all have their suspicions that the kidnapped kids might be dying. But they dont have anywhere else to go if they disobey their father, and he’s fucking with their heads so they all feel like they’re the only onw with doubts and they cant even question it or everyone will turn on them and they’ll get kicked out on the street again and never see any of their siblings. And they all VERY MUCH know what its like to be dying on the streets. And this time they’d had a chance to know what its like to have prosthetic limbs and medical help and be able to eat three solid meals a day and wear pretty clothes and have a family. Having all that taken away will hurt even more than if they’d never known what it’s like..

So I sympathise with them, I really do. And I really believe they could have been rescued, and could have been redeemed, and ultimately we shouldnt be blaming them for what they did, only blaming the man who forced them into it and gave enough illusion of choice that they were able to feel guilt about it... BUT STILL that was REALLY FUCKED UP AND DISTURBING AND SAD AND DISTURBING AND SAD

seriously they PUT ON A FINAL CIRCUS SHOW for every single kid they kidnap part of it is about luring them in so they trust them, but also it seems they take it way too far for it to just be that. They almost got caught because they spent so much time doing their performance for this poor lil matchstick seller girl! and its equal parts heartwarming and DISGUSTING because this poor kid is like.. I dont even know if they drug their victims or if she was just going insane from having to see them killing the policeman that tried to save her they’re just horribly gorily fighting the policemen, stabbing a fucking knife through some guy’s eye, and the kid is sitting there having a complete mental collapse, laughing as if this is all part of the show. And we get this twisted vision of her point of view, seeing the nice clown man doing a funny show smacking mr teddy bear with a mallet, as the dead body of the policeman falls at her feet. And then they bundle her into the carriage and thats just the end. We dont find out what happens to the kidnapped kids, any more than the kidnappers know... We just got to learn so much about this poor kid, and that poor policeman, and have a bunch of heartwarming moments of them becoming friends, and then she just turns the corner for like five minutes and the policeman is like ‘wtf is that flute music’ then sees a fuckin ENTIRE CIRCUS IN AN ALLEYWAY and gets stabbed through the goddamn eye trying to reach the kid in time. And she’s so out of it that she couldnt even see him. His last thoughts were probably seeing her glassy eyes staring right through him... And we know that he had a daughter that this street urchin reminded him of, and we know she had a sick little brother who really needed the money the policeman gave her, and an abusive mother that’ll probably be forcing that poor brother to go out panhandling now her daughter is gone.. And just... GAHH my fucking emotions my sadness and also A LOT OF FEAR so much blood

and I KNOW HOW IT ENDS i know that the kids don’t fuckin go to a happy place with a nice new dad and ‘father’ only spared those few kids so they could be pawns he could manipulate into capturing more kids, and test subjects for his evil science team’s freaky bullshit and they dont even KNOW that they’re test subjects! they dont know that their prosthetic limbs are MADE FROM THE OTHER KIDNAPPED KIDS WHO NEVER CAME BACK god, im already imagining how they’d fuckin animate the poor ringleader guy throwing up as he realizes his arm is made from someone else’s bones and then he just DIES they all just die horribly in service of this disgusting fucking child murderer pedophile that they thought was their father half of them never learn that they were the villains all along, the other half get to know it just in time to despair utterly as they’re killed off too

and evil bastard’s trump card that kept them all obeying him it DIDNT EXIST he fucking held it over their heads that their other siblings were still out there somewhere, at his ‘orphanage’, and they had to work with him so he could send money back to them so they could all be happy too when really he’d killed them long ago, and for all we know they could be the ones that joker’s prosthetic arm was made from T_T and ciel’s fuckin only chance to do something to help the people he completely failed who all died hating him and thinking he’d betrayed them, that they were the good guys and he was the villain... that last chance was a fucking lie he tried to save the ‘other kids’ and the fucking ‘orphanage’ was an empty abandoned building full of nothing but maybe a stray doll they left behind before they were all horribly murdered so we just end on our protagonist being the absolute villain of this arc, and the actual villains being sympathetic kids, and him laughing like a madman as his last chance of redemption blows away on the wind

oh, and he fuckin personally murdered a bunch of kids too, even though he didnt kill all his villain friends with his own hand. he found some of the kids in the lab that were test experiments, the few who hadnt been killed yet. the few who’d had to watch potentially HUNDREDS of friends be dragged kicking and screaming to that operating table, and see every second of them being eviscerated into pieces. And ciel just sees himself in them, they’re all so catatonic that they cant even see him and all he can see is himself and he knows from personal experience that a kid can come back from that, but he knows how much of a monster he’s become and he thinks the kids would be happier if they could die as they are instead of losing themself so he just sets the whole building on fire and i end up crying for him even as he’s committing a horrible act! fucking moral ambiguity: the show

and god, even this episode’s goofy friendship fun parts were horrifying too! it starts off with the whole ‘ha ha ciel doesnt know this kid is Doll, cos she ~looks like a boy~ when she’s not in costume’ random stupidness but its still cute cos she’s being so kind to the newbie, and you can learn a lot about her character from it how she’s trying to be all smiley and goofy and giving him candy and saying how she’d never even tasted it before, and now he can stay here and be her lil brother and never get hit by anyone and never go hungry and she knows the goddamn price she has to pay for all this, and she wants to keep ciel innocent of it she doesnt know he’s already just as corrupted, and he’s really a spy sent to take them down and then just DEAR GOD THAT SCENE THAT IS NOT OKAY but it was absolutely fucking necessary I think, to keep the moral ambiguity and not make us just hate ciel forever she fuckin.. accidentally triggers a ptsd flashback in the poor kid he’s never been homeless before so he doesnt realise its a group bathroom, and then freaks out and tries to run. but she’s just teasing him as part of her cool big sis persona, and doesnt realise he has an actual reason to be scared. So they end up fighting and she accidentally reveals the scar on his back to everyone the fucking brand that was burned into him when he was kidnapped and enslaved and the episode just ends with our usually unflappable protagonist curled up in a ball under a towel, shaking and crying and his only comfort is the demonic butler he’s using to enact his revenge, and all he says is just ‘you’re better than this, you’re a badass’ ciel never really has any form of actual sympathy, does he? the only person who knows about what happened to him is this morally ambiguous monster minion guy. and the whole hook of the series is that we never really know if Sebastian actually gives a shit about ciel or any of the other humans, or if he’s just waiting for the poor kid to fuck up and leave an opportunity to devour his soul. I wanna believe that Sebastian does have some sort of fatherly affection for ciel, or at least they both care about each other in a sort of.. mutually evil way. But even if thats true, its not like sebastian is gonna really be any good to talk to in a time like this. he;s just gonna sass ciel for showing weakness. he just has this fuckin motivational speech of ‘yo ciel youre a fuckin evil bastard, remember? get up and continue your evil bastard ways’. and somehow it actually kinda works and actually kinda feels affectionate in context :P BUT STILL SERIOUSLY POOR CIEL he could have turned out a lot better than this if he had someone in his life who could actually give him a goddamn hug but I guess thats not really what he wanted, even though its what he needed instead he wished for the power to enact revenge on the one who killed his family and enslaved him and he set off on this long horrible path of becoming an evil bastard to track down this other evil bastard when he’s only fuckin ELEVEN and he’s happy to throw away his soul, and doesnt care if sebastian betrays him in the end and he burns in hell forever, as long as he can stop that evil bastard from doing the same thing to more children and this arc is so fucked up cos he failed so horribly to stop some OTHER evil bastard from doing the same thing to more children and he’s become so twisted and antiheroey and cynical that he missed his chances to redeem those poor other twisted kids, and maybe he could have done better in stopping the real villain if he had.. and the only fuckin thing we got out of this arc was that the bastard kidnapping these children was a copycat criminal of the one who did it to ciel, so we at least finally have one clue that might lead to a resolution someday but EVERYONE DIED and ciel’s even more fucking traumatized! and he’s jumped off the deep end and become full antihero evil bastard and all the character development he had during the arc has been negated and fuckin completely reversed cos of how it ended and he lost a bazillion friends and he was betraying them the entire time, and they died resenting him, or resenting him AND learning that he was right and they’d been working for the villain all along, and then he couldnt even save their other siblings cos they were long dead and just THIS FUCKING ARC IS SO FUCKED UP GAHHHHH

I guess sometimes you just wanna watch depressing cinema, yknow? I do hope that someday this series actually ends with at least a bittersweet ending, not an equally fatalistic one that means everything was all for nothing. i want the poor circus kids’s deaths to actually mean something...

Also, randomly and incidentally, I want the giant creepy pedo incesty shipping fandom to die in a fire. Before I even started watching it, Black Butler was famous as ‘that pedo anime’, everyone acted as if Sebastian x Ciel was canon and they kept teasing it in every episode or something. BUT NOPE. NONE. NICHT. NON. NAG YDW. Where the FUCK did they even get it from, seriously?? We don’t know if Sebastian is gonna betray ciel or not in the end, but im PRETTY FUCKING SURE that he doesn’t have a boner for a fucking ten year old! I know the idea of a demon servant is a common romance novel thing, but seriously wtf is wrong with you... I know I’m mad that this arc ended so horribly, but still I feel like the various moral ambiguity discussions are super interesting and I would have regretted if I’d never read any of this manga just because of some awful fanbase members.

ANYWAY IN SUMMARY bunni cry over episode

[spootles]

somebody wanted me to spend like 3-4 hours of my time filling this character sheet out for PJ so here we go

disclaimer: stuffs subject to change because i’m very uncertain and indecisive 

FULL NAME: Pascal Jervis MEANING: makes pj  NICKNAME: PJ MEANING: PJ stands for Professional Jerk (also pajama) AGE APPEARANCE: He’s like 21 and is pretty big for a pajama squid (that means average height) BIRTHDAY: December 21, 1995 ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: sag? SPECIES: guess GENDER: Male ALLERGIES: None so far SEXUAL PREFERENCE: doesn’t have a preference, but he is noromo THEME SONG(S): Kyatchii o kagaku suru by Arukara (I GUESS)

APPEARANCE

HAIR COLOR: white with colored stripes (default color is green) HAIR STYLE AND LENGTH: Long hair(TENTACLES) pulled back into a ponytail and bangs that look like they were cut with a weedwhacker EYES COLOR: dark green EYESIGHT: kind of poor HEIGHT: 5′5 about WEIGHT: super light OUTFIT/CLOTHING STYLE: p a j a m a s (bobble hat n snowy down boots) ABNORMALITIES(TAIL): weird fuzzy eyes? DISTINGUISHING MARKS(SCARS,MOLES): stripes? SELF CARE(MAKE UP): mascara FIRST IMPRESSION ON PEOPLE: “Is he okay...?” SKIN COLOR: Actually White. #ffffff BODY TYPE/BUILD: thin noodle DEFAULT EXPRESSION: tired POSTURE: hunched over PIERCINGS: none DESCRIBE THEIR VOICE: lowkey and nasally 

RELATIONSHIPS

MOM: Pfeffer Jervis HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: he was Booted Out of his family home but he doesn’t necessarily blame his family for that DAD: Percival Jervis HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: he gets along OK with his family in general as long as they don’t pry into his Personal Life SIBLINGS: He has a few Hard Working siblings HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: vaguely well. I would also like to mention that everyone in his family is Very Short. OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS: PAST LOVER(S): CURRENT LOVER: i mean he might have a few but i’m not sure if they count REACTION TO MEETING SOMEONE NEW: Immediately zero in on something and make a snide comment about it. ABILITY TO WORK WITH OTHERS: Ridiculously low. HOW SOCIABLE(LONER,ETC): He’s very lonely. FRIENDS: I mean he certainly does know people. PETS: Kags LEAST FAVORITE TYPE OF PERSON: the piff kind people who Touch His Things PARENTAL TYPE(PROTECTIVE,ETC): Not at all, he’s only protective over the things he owns. AFFINITY WITH…: Pillows FAVORITE PEOPLE: Tetro????? LEAST FAVORITE PEOPLE: Piff

PERSONALITY

..WHEN YOU FIRST MEET THEM: “Excuse me?” ..AS YOU KNOW THEM BETTER(AND THEY LIKE YOU): The sass never stops and there’s not a lot of perks to make up for it. Might treat you as Property. ..AS YOU KNOW THEM BETTER(AND THEY DISLIKE YOU): The sass still never stops, and even worse, he’ll be excited to see you. FAVORITE COLOR: Green FAVORITE FOOD: Marshmallows, sweet stuff in general. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR: Purple LEAST FAVORITE FOOD: Doesn’t like crunchy stuff or spicy stuff HOBBIES: Collects pillows and things with a similar striped pattern USUAL MOOD: TIRED DRINK/SMOKE/DRUGS: he does drink sometimes but he really shouldnt HOW SERIOUS ARE THEY: not very CLASS IN AN RPG: a very terrible cleric (IN)DEPENDANT: he’s very dependent on the HOSPITAL, independent otherwise SOFT SPOT/VULNERABILITY: His Earthly Possessions and his apathetic demeanor. OPINION ON SWEARING: He has no problem with vulgar language. DAREDEVIL VS CAUTIOUS: PJ would just Rather Not. But he’ll talk shit about ANYBODY. MUSIC TYPE: weather-channel-type-music that you can fall asleep to MOVIE TYPE: he’s not really a movie person BOOK TYPE: or a book person GAME TYPE: ... or a game person COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE: warm and snug SLEEPING PATTERN: 12 hours is his BARE MINIMUM, sleeps around 8 wakes up some time after noon CLEANLINESS/NEATNESS: He’s pretty messy since he doesn’t care to clean HOW DO THEY PASS TIME: sleeping BIGGEST SECRET: his real name and that he deeply wishes he cared more about things HERO/WHO THEY LOOK UP TO: himself??? WHAT ANIMAL WOULD THEY BE: a sloth maybe FEARS: people genuinely caring about him (plus some other sad stuff, do not be distracted he is a real asshole) COMFORTS: sleeping, being physically comfortable helps too

HOW DO THEY ACT WHEN THEY ARE…

SAD: mopey, isolates himself but makes sure everyone KNOWS he’s sad HAPPY: more out and about than usual, snappier with his sass ANGRY: he doesn’t usually get angry but he shuts right up when he does because it’s harder to think of something clever AFRAID: isolates himself, makes sure NOBODY knows LOVE SOMEONE: he doesn’t HATE SOMEONE: spends his free time thinking of things to say just for them, how nice WANT SOMETHING: he’ll be sneaky as fuck about it CONFUSED: take longer to come up with good lines

HOW DO THEY REACT TO…

DANGER: He usually doesn’t, but he will at least try to remove himself from the situation sometimes SOMEONE THEY HATE WHO HAS A CRUSH ON THEM: treat them as property (after initially freaking out) PROPOSAL TO MARRY: die, probably DEATH OF LOVED ONE: he’d be really upset that he didn’t care more DIFFICULT GAME/MATH/ETC: give up instantly INJURY: he doesn’t, but he will call the hospital if necessary  SOMETHING IRRESISTABLY CUTE: buy it immediately LOSS OF HOURS OF WORK: GIVE UP INSTANTLY

HISTORY

BIOGRAPHY: Grew up in a family of hard workers, was kicked out because he was lazy and they couldn’t support him. Some Notes: He’s a bully He gets beat up a lot but he never ever fights back physically. If he gets tired during a match he’ll just afk to nap. (which is part of the reason he gets beat up so much.) He thoroughly enjoys being mean.

KNOWLEDGE

LANGUAGES: English with bits of german SCHOOLING LEVEL: home schooled (highschool level) INTERESTED CAREERS: an Emperor PUZZLES: too much effort HOW GOOD ARE THEY AT PLANNING AHEAD: Super Not Good IMPULSIVE/STRATEGY: assert dominance over the situation

ROMANCE

DO THEY TAKE INITIATIVE: Mostly HOW DO THEY ACT(SHY,ETC): Smug/Haughty  GENTLEMAN/LADYLIKE VS KLUTZY: Somewhere in between GO SLOW VS JUMP INTO: Jump right in, he’s just messing around anyways PROTECTIVE: he’s... possesive? ACT LIKE FRIENDS OR LOVERS: Sure doesn’t MAKE GOOD OR BAD DECISIONS: The Worst ARE THEY ROMANTIC: Nope HOW ARE THEY IN BED: eh GET JEALOUS EASY: absolutely, he hates it when people Touch his Things

[thirst-mobile]

To all the girls I've loved before

1. You were my first. I was enamored with you. The way you smelled, and how it tasted when I kissed you. I didnt even realize how much you were using me all that time. I loved you for a long time, and I'll probably never get closure for what happened. I know I'll never forgive you. I dont have much else to say about you.

2. You came along at the right time. I was vulnerable and desperate for validation. I didnt even start getting feelings for you until you came onto me. You had a boyfriend, but said he didnt care. We made out a lot and, god, you were such a good kisser. But you were only using me to please your boyfriend, so he could have his fantasy threesome. I was a minor, and stupid. You were an adult, and selfish. I was in love with you - but your boyfriend said we wouldnt be allowed to see each other anymore unless we record a video of us having sex for him. I didnt want to do it, but I loved you more than i didnt want to do it, so i did it. You knew this. You raped me. That wasnt enough for your boyfriend. Later he demanded I have sex with him or we wouldnt be allowed to see each other anymore. I stopped seeing you. You married him, and it broke my heart. I still think about you to this day.

3. I shared with you all my most vulnerable moments, all my thoughts and my scars and my deepest desires. You were the one I could talk to about my suicidal thoughts, you were my ride or die, you always supported me. I cant even remember how it started, when I caught feelings, but we started kissing a lot. You had a boyfriend (I guess I never learn, do i?) But he wasnt really interested in me, though he knew about us. You had a body I would do anything to touch, and I regret not doing more with you back then. One day you just stopped talking to me. No explanation, no heads up, nothing. You just cut me out. After that it hurt every time I saw you in the hallways. Why would you just cut me out? At least with this one, I got closure years later. I was hoping we could be friends again but we are just too different now. I still miss you.

4. I got a crush on the internet persona you built. You were very good at deceiving people and hyping yourself up to make you seem like someone you're not. Nonetheless you were beautiful, and I got caught up. Upon meeting you in person, the realization was made that you were just faking how good of a person you were. One night you decided you didnt like me anymore, and started talking behind my back when you thought I couldnt hear you. I know everything you said. I don't miss you.

5. Hello again #2. I don't ever learn. We reconnected after 7 some odd years. You lived far away by then, but it was like we never stopped talking. You apologized for what you did and I thought that was good enough for me because I was so happy to be talking to you again. I STILL had feelings for you. We started talking every day. You had a boyfriend, but you said you still had feelings for me too. You said he wouldnt mind if we dated. And me, being the stupid person I was, fell for it. Little did I know, you were pulling the same bullshit you did back then - your boyfriend made you break up with me when I wouldnt send him nudes or drive all the way to your house and have a threesome with you. You broke up with me, but said we could still be friends, and I was cool with that. Then, one day, you just stopped talking to me. I never heard from you again. I STILL think about you a lot.

6. For you it was slow and steady. It was long distance over the internet - we talked almost every day. I didnt realize I was falling for you. You were beautiful, and seemed to get me like no one else did. I didnt see all the red flags until i looked back on it. When you came to visit it all became clear. I'm sorry for how i ended things, you didnt deserve that.

7. You were my on again, off again crush. Such a pretty face, but so full of yourself. I dont really know why I liked you. You led me on because you liked the attention, and in doing so I got really attached. I desperately wanted to kiss you - but you were never really interested in me, were you? Now you dont talk to me anymore. I cant say I miss you, but I do wonder every day what it would have been like to have you as my girlfriend. I feel like it would have been nice, since you've always treated your boyfriends so nice. I wanted to do soft things with you, I wanted to cuddle you and kiss your stomach and run my fingertips over your skin. It kind of sucks that I'll never know what that would be like.

My problem is that I overlook things that shouldnt be overlooked, because I fall so hard when I fall.

I just hope I'll be different when I finally grow up.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i really need to get better at writing these again, haha. especially bc ive been spiraling a lot lately. after i type this, im going to post a reflection that ive been meaning to finish last sunday. 

so, hey. im not doing so great. and i cant tell if it’s me overreacting or me not being in control of my own mind or something else entirely but im not in a mentally stable place. i thought i was doing better. i thought i had grown more confident and felt more in control of everything. i thought my family had gotten closer on a deeper level. but i was wrong. im not okay. im really not. and i can try and deny it all i want but im not doing so great. im usually that friend that people go to for advice, especially when concerning others but i cant even manage my own friends and family. a part of me knows that ive cried a lot this past year and honestly, i feel really ashamed of it. i have a bad habit of bottling everything up and then just letting the waterworks flow one after the other during the next session. but im here now and i want to harden myself up again so people dont see how weak i am again. and i know deep in my heart that thats actually not what i want. bc i dont want to be an apathetic robot again thats just all about do do do and nothing else. i feel like a machine whenever i shut people out and i get the job done but at what cost? if i could have it my way, i would be surrounded by a community that unconditionally loves me and i dont have to think or try to do or pretend to be someone or something else. i can just be me and be accepted in their arms. but thats not the case. i do want to open myself up and i do want it to be a place where everyone feels free to share. but honestly, im scared. im scared bc im afraid that people dont actually care about me. and they never did. whenever i do share, it’s just awkward, and heavy, and silent, and no one knows how to respond or wants to pray for me. And it sucks. Honestly, I’m really sad that Shar wont be returning to Columbia next year because she was with me during my hardest and most trying times. And yeah, we got busy. But i didn’t blame her at all. She had her own things to deal with and I respect that. It’s just gonna be a lot harder without her. I’m honestly so afraid to go back home. I am so scared out of my wits that I’m gonna go home and it’ll be like nothing ever changed.  It’ll be like high school all over again. Where I’m just so miserable and nothing I ever do will ever be enough for anyone. I have worked so hard and for so long to get to where I’m at now and there are still so many problems. What’s wrong with me. I don’t trust Jason, and PJ, and Angela, and Grace, and Christine, and Rachel, and everyone else enough to share all of this. All I know is that I’ve been burned and hurt so badly in the past and it’s scarred me for life. I’m so afraid that I won’t actually ever find someone to fall in love with. But I still have so much baggage that I need to solve before I can even begin looking or hope to find anyone. I just want to drown everything out in media so that I don’t and can’t actually think for myself anymore but I also know that I won’t get anything done or solved that way. This is something that I need to take the time to pray and meditate on. 

And honestly, it’s kind of lonely and exhausting at my internship right now. I’m the only graphic designer and everyone keeps expecting me to do so much and I’m really into it. If there was a graphic design team and we all had all these tasks to do, I don’t think I would mind. If it was at least one other person that I could talk and communicate with, that’d be nice. Preferably another intern but even the only graphic design employee would be great too. But it does feel pretty overwhelming to be expected to take on so many tasks and to do so many things for all these different clients when im only getting a stipend. and i know they tell me i shouldnt feel pressured to stay after 5 but i do so that i can get these things done. i was highkey kinda salty the other day when jon said that im not doing things like mockups for clients yet but will once july hits but i already am? sigh. idk. i think im just feeling kinda overwhelmed bc it’s so many different projects to work on with so many different clients at once. is this how it always is? i knew i would have to work with clients but not to this level. they told me that didnt want to just throw me in with the sharks from the beginning but it feels like they did. and yeah, im still swimming but im getting tired. i definitely think i should bring this up to them. but at the same time, i am afraid of bringing it up bc i dont want them to just revoke so much at once. like i can still be productive. i dont want just one project to do a day. like trust me to do more. but not this much. i guess if it was just projects coming from jeremy and jon or if i knew the process or where it was going, i would feel a little better. i just think it’s been a lot of big projects that ive been working on for the company? if it was just a bunch of client work, i dont think i would mind as much. but bc the speed of all these new projects is so fast and i already have to worry about designing numerous spreads/pages on top of that? it’s a lot to take in. but bc im pretty much done with the internal stuff, or as far as i am concerned, i do think it should calm down from here.

i think i thought approaching and confronting specific incidents in my life would solve my mental trauma but it’s not just that. it’s been years of yelling and verbal abuse that have shaped me to believe the things that i believe today. and i do really thank andrew for bringing up that i think the way that i do bc i was conditioned to think that way and i am afraid to reread what i originally messaged him about. but i think he is right and it’s gotten me to start really thinking about how much my family has impacted my life in more ways than one. i get overwhelmed easily. my senses cant handle a lot coming into it. that’s just not how my brain functions or works. i thought i was over my asperger’s but i dont think that i am yet. but i still remember my mom yelling in my face, “what’s wrong with you? how can anyone be that stupid?” i always thought it was just my dad that was always strict with me and my sister but it’s always been my mom too. shes the one that spanked me. shes the one that said the most verbal abuse against us. i think my dad just doesnt understand how we work and is actually the more caring and understanding parent. but he has strict rules that he abides by and is really logical so that “loving” family figure has always been absent. My mom has tried to be the peacemaker in the past but doesnt change the fact that shes been just as hard on us as my dad has been.