#but i forgot half of it and all the Lore is in notebooks across the country as well...

[t-oppenheimer]

Renown and a Selection of my Inspirations

The final main class of the game is Renown, and in so explaining this I divulge that a massive influence were those console rpgs published through the mid 2000s, when I was a child. As Hero Quest and subsequently very modern rpg design sensibilities such as those thrust with Apocalypse styled games became expunged, I found the pearl of what I wanted the game to be inside.

I grew up with Disgaea 1 and 2 on the Playstation 2, though I would certainly prefer the latter for reasons which are outside the scope of this writing. On reflection, once that 'edge' was taken off my sardonics took center stage for the tone, and my memories of these games informed the way I described mechanics and the way lines and radii were implemented. Reviewing this, for the second revision of the game I may institute actual line and area rules for square based grids. I don't believe WotC and Paizo have any patent on their rules, so my own cribbing will be possible.

I wonder if my love for jokes like these shouldn't fill a psychoanalyst's notebook. As an important diversion from Nippon Ichi's work, while I embraced the characters being essentially 'bad to the bone', I did take care for flavoring most dynamics in the group as non-hierarchical. It is fine and well for srpgs to have protagonists and mechanically underline a caste system. In my game, however, it is only enemies who are placed in strange and cruel scenarios for the sake of some triangulated benefit! For most characters...

Now here is an easily forgotten relic of the time. I surely forgot it-- only reminded incidentally by watching Hazel's video "Cozy Anime RPGs" (linked and timestamped to relevant section). Yet I was enamored by the elevator pitch and needed to capture that precise energy. A character so self absorbed and entitled that reality warps around their ego? The very highest echelons of represented power for a boutique game system like Mage: the Ascension handed as a justified-in-narrative accessibility option? Just handed off at the beginning of the game? This inspiration must be recaptured.

An aside which I place here because I fear there will be no better place for it in all the world. At the beginning of the game, after receiving your impetus to adventure, the following is said: "You took a small sum of money, hardly enough to be called pocket change really, and dashed outside". Subsequently, the protagonist begins the game with 9,999,999 G. This is the maximum amount of money you can hold and easily enough to purchase every piece of equipment in the game and plenty of consumables as well. Honestly ranks top 5 in my 'video games jokes' list alongside GLaDOS rebuking Wheatly for insulting Chel after having heckled her in a similar way throughout the entire front half of the game. Forgive my digression.

This is where Renown comes from. The effect I hoped to get across is that for a character to reap the rewards of this 'awe inspiring' power, they had to invest disproportionately into it and its trees. This is why characters receive no Luck Counters until REN 2. The ideal is that a character which makes the most of this strange branch of mechanics have less access to the entire rest of the game, they are relying exclusively on the absurd benefits that come with being 'privileged'.

The Renown skill tree is larger than the rest, thirteen skills compared to the eight most get. This reinforces the opportunity for overinvestment and gives plenty of avenues to express the specific 'flavor' of entitlement, whereas most other specialists get their expression primarily through weapon customization. Many rules of the game-- if they do not exist expressly for the purpose-- are subverted by the various utilities Renown offers. The freedom of the privileges (easily compared to Paizo's recent implementation of lore) dovetails directly into contradiction of things like the turn order and limitations of the reserve inventory. The game will inevitably polarize around the utility of the privileged specialist, which I hope meets that design goal.

Now that we have the classes done away, I'll do some basic housecleaning and elaborate on some design prerogatives captured in the first chapter of the book.

[writingonthemoon]

I've literally watched Lockwood & Co five times since it's come out, I'm putting a pause on using Netflix today so I can finish my school work

It's just so good, guys please watch it

[ravenclaw-questions-gone-writing]

Outline # -1 Abandoned Lore (Trinity)

@fanfics-and-fangirling

I have learned my lesson, I will be writing these on Google docs and then copy-pasting onto Tumblr. While I am on GD, I figured I might as well open the docs I used to write the actual fic. Man, I went through a ton of hoops to get where I am. I will be using the most coherent ones for reference. 

I can literally track my thought process as I went through writing all the different versions and I still have no idea how tf I went from this to dropping a flaming papermache whale on Ra’s Al Ghul. And I will die mad about it. Which means more meticulous notes in the future I guess.

Also, I’d like to apologize for how long it took to get this out, I have no sense of time whatsoever and as always, there’s a lot more than expected. This was 7 pages long

Original Ramble Post 

Like most of my stories, the MC is an OCI - reincarnator brought into a fictional world they once watched. (Because I am obsessed with that trope.)

I now find the original name I had for her cringy and out-of-place given these are norse gods. So, from now on her name is Lokka, which is the female version of Loki

There’s a whole ass backstory about the transition of godly names and power I won’t go into. Just think Thor and female Thor kind of thing I guess. She’s basically seen as a spare Loki but it’s also a respected position.

Was tempted to name her Sigyn since Marvel doesn’t care about actual norse myth relations. No, Idc that there’s a canon Sigyn.

If you’re curious, the original name was Aradia. Yes, like the queen of witches.

MC is an asgardian, the daughter of the librarian in the royal palace and a blacksmith

She managed to get an apprenticeship under Loki and is occasionally taught by Frigga. She also learns under Eir when both her royal teachers are busy.

Lokka found her way into the central plane, probably having found it’s location from Loki’s notes and is unaware that it’s unstable.

So, Lokka is in the central plane, having the time of her life exploring new lands when she stumbles across a crying Marinette who is very lost 

Unlike Lokka, Marinette does not know where she is or what is going on. She literally just tripped into a portal and has no way home.

Lokka takes Marinette under her wing and promises to help her find a way home

Problem is, she doesn’t know which of the three universes Marinette is from.

Even if/when she finds out that the girl is from MLB-verse, she still wouldn’t know which one that is because she has no reference to which world is which. Only that Marinette is probably not from Asgard.

At this point, she is unaware she lived in Marvel, she just knows Asgard is Norse Mythology.

So they continue to wander the central plane, Marinette ends up picking up a card guardian for a pet, accidentally becoming a cardcaptor. 

Marinette has trouble pronouncing Lokka and Lokka gives Mari permission to call her Cosette (pre-reincarnation name)

Meanwhile, Ra’s sends Damian and Talia into the Central plane for combat experience and resource gathering.

Ra’s might be 700 years old, he might have access to the Central plane but he sure doesn’t know about magic or how it came to be or the current state of it. He might know something’s off because all the inhabitants have been increasingly on edge and the weather’s been stranger than usual but he didn’t deemed it important

Notably, he has never seen anyone other than those who he’d sent in himself in the central planes (CP, from now on bc I am getting tired of typing the entire thing out) so as far as he knows, the CP’s only entrance point is under his control.

Talia and Damian, who’s still going by Hafid, go hunting for resources and training

They separate for a bit for individual hunting/training time

Marinette and Cosette (Lokka) stumble across Damian’s camp

Misunderstandings occur, Damian fights them, more accurately he fights Cosette

Cosette tries to protect Marinette while also making sure not to harm her opponent

It was harder than she expected considering her opponent was a child

Asgardian training pulls through and she is able to do both

Damian’s tied up, Marinette is confused, and Cosette does not want to deal with this

Negotiation time

Marinette can’t speak Arabic, Damian doesn’t know french, and Cosette has all-speak

This means Cosette’s sitting there, having to repeat everything the kids say to each other for translation’s sake

also misunderstandings before the kids realize allspeak is a thing

Cosette is stuck with two kids who don’t like each other, one of which barely puts up with her so she does what most adults do when kids are too troublesome

Distract them: she does magic tricks with actual magic

Damian+Marinette are fascinated, Cosette accidentally gains two magic students 

even though she’s still learning herself and all she has for guidance right now are Loki’s and Frigga’s notes

So, the trio end up travelling together

Damian demands Marinette should at least be able to fight so they train her too

They also figure out that Marinette and Damian’s worlds are not the same.

Cosette drills some value of life, basic morals, and feminism into Damian’s head

Marinette and Damian (Hafid) have trouble pronouncing each other’s names

They chose nicknames for each other from Cosette’s bedtime stories

Marinette is obviously angel or Tenko

Damian is gets Kabane, the name of a half demon

Kabane later changes to Kasane, protective blade

Yes, Cosette was/is a weeb and yes, they still mispronounce names which defeats the whole purpose but at least they kids don’t notice now even if Cosette is cringing every time they

They run into another card guardian and this one goes to Damian.

Cosette does not pout about this, it would be very immature

One training montages, several fights, a couple language lessons, and an abandoned (and Cosette-raided) house later, Cosette gets to the part of Loki’s notes where she figures out that the CP is collapsing in on itself and uh-oh

She tells the kids the gist of it but they’re too smart, ask all the right questions, and end up figuring out the important parts of situation that she’s trying to keep from them

Cosette is both impressed and a little put out, mostly impressed because not only did they figure out extremely complex magic, they also mostly remained level headed.

Marinette wants to rescue the card guardians and for once Damian is backing her up so Coestte gives up the notion of returning home and they go collect the guardians.

Remember, DC and MLB universes are closing in on each other 

MCU is drifting away

If they don’t collect the guardians, Cosette would have the time to just drop them off at their world collection points and head back to hers

After collecting a couple guardians, they end up finding Talia and explain the situation to her.

Talia joins the gang, she may or may not be plotting a marriage

They raid a couple more houses, collect the 54 card guardians, and complete the power transfer ritual (replacing the Yue’s trial because the cards are the guardians)

The cards end up latching onto the three kids. 

Marinette gets the Mistress title, Damian gets Sun Guardian, and Cosette gets Moon guardian.

Originally Cosette was going to be the mistress and Marinette the Moon guardian but because of the way I’ve decided magic works in this world - explaining that will need a whole other post - if Marinette is the moon guardian and gets the Ladybug miraculous, she will - for lack of better word - get sick and possibly die... or not.

Y’know what, it made sense at the time. But now that I think about it, we’re going back to the original idea.

Cosette’s the Card Mistress, Marinette’s the Moon guardian and Damian’s the Sun guardian.

Spoiler alert: that is a plot point for tropes-verse.

The completion of the ritual breaks puts CP deteriorations in high acceleration

Damian and Talia get into their circle, Cosette and Marinette in the other

Damian doesn’t have any cards bc he doesn’t want his grandfather trying to get to them. He and Talia agreed Ra’s would only know about the CP’s destruction. He does, however, have a CP beast that they picked up.

CP beast: magical creature that was born of CP’s magical residue or smth

Damian’s looks like a Teddiursa (Teddy bear pokemon) it is not

They have a notebook from a raided house detailing CP’s deterioration for proof

Cosette goes with Marinette because she can’t make it back to her universe and in the event that Marinette’s also from Cosette’s universe, she won’t be alone

They separate with the promise of meeting again.

At this point, I have had several differing ideas

They all go into DC world because they aren’t sure of Marinette’s world

Child trio goes into MLB world and Talia tells Ra’s Damian died

Everyone goes into MLB and Ra’s finds out about the collapse when he tries going in himself and finds out he can’t and just assumes they died

Y’all, I’m starting to see why I can’t do one-shots…

One of the things I forgot to mention in the rambling post is that while Marvel-verse was pulling away, it also messed with the time regulation thing, a day in the Maribat-verse will

Time in CP was very messed up

Kind of assumed readers could piece it together but I figured might as well make it obvious and straight up say it

MLBU: Cosette and Marinette arrive safely 

Marinette is delivered home and Cosette has to figure something out

They find out Marinette has only been gone for a week

Marinette has some separation anxiety for about three days

Cosette slowly realizing this is an MLB universe and having a crisis

Cosette gets adopted by the Dupain-Chengs and starts working at the bakery

I have not figured out ages for Cosette

MLB goes like most Maribat fics pre-gotham because I’m lazy

Will likely be adjusted if I ever actually write this fic

Except Cosette steps in when things got too far and Paris has 3 heroes

Cosette is the known as the Sorciere or Lokka

Her uniform is just her asgardian armor

Good but misguided Adrien, Cosette probably adopts him too

Love square goes platonic and Cosette is glad this rom-com is over

Magic tutoring continues

Cosette is neutral with Fu and fascinated by the miraculous

You remember those ghost interactions? Those are filtering in

One of the first things to merge is the internet, because it doesn’t have a physical body and it’s just waves of information

News and discoveries between the world are being swapped

Given what I remember from DC and dimension travel, it wouldn’t be surprising if they figured out universes were merging.

The news about JL and Paris’s situation are causing all kinds of confusion

Cosette beings looking for information on Damian

As the physical world begins merging, there’s pockets of space where you can slip from one world into another; not quite portals but close

Eventually the trip to NY became a trip to Gotham because their plane slipped between planes (sorry, I saw the chance and I had to take it.) but yeah, that happened.

There’s quite a few details I’m forgetting

DCU: Damian and Talia arrive ok and report bare basics to Ra’s

It has also only been a week

Ra’s is displeased to find them back until they report the state of the CP

There’s the whole coup not long after and Damian is sent to Bruce

Damian is much more innocent looking when he’s bringing what appears to be a teddy bear with him

It’s name is Abd and it has grown wings by now. Actual name pending.

He gets teased about it, but under Cosette’s teachings, he has learned the virtue of patience, underestimation, and getting revenge with a side of entertainment

He does not try to kill Tim either

He also has to make the choice of bringing Abd with him as Damian or as Robin

He choses to make a side company for WE making toys based off creatures from the CP so Abd wouldn’t look too out of place

It takes two weeks for the bats to realize there’s something off about the Abd

They are convinced it’s haunted and Damian is very entertained

Abd only moves in daytime when no one - Damian excluded - can see it

Movement can expel magic that interferes with recording tech

Alfred is the first to figure it out and surprise, surprise, he has some magic books for Damian to learn from

It’s from the Wayne family library and they just assumed the language was lost to time. At least three are from Alfred’s own family.

Bat brothers spend the next 6 months trying to convince Damian his magical pet bear is a haunted doll.

Damian sort of getting along with Poison Ivy because his Sun magic is very compatible with plants and they love him

On an unrelated note, the plants seem to refuse to attack the new Robin

Damian randomly, unconsciously humming to songs Cosette and Marinette sang

Damian just vibing with the magic users of JL and Teen Titans

No one took him seriously at first but he pointed something out during a conference

“Robin, stand down and let the magic users handle this” - Green Lantern, probably

Constantine who actually knows what he’s talking about “No, no, let the boy talk.”

The plan was twice as efficient after Damian was through with it

Now Constantine’s trying to adopt Damian as an apprentice, he’s failing bc the bats are protective and possessive of what is theirs

Reminder that Damian brings Abd with him everywhere and he’s still getting teased about it from anyone who is not a bat (still convinced the thing is haunted)

The only thing the magic users have picked up about Abd is that he’s a magical construct which could mean a number of things but they brush it off as just a doll.

No one is prepared for the thing to come to life, multiply in size, and start spitting ice, sleep sand, and illusions. (Hiccups bubbles and can also turn into a cloud.)

They are also not prepared for the thing to quadruple in size and for Damian to ride it like a horse into battle. Reminder that Abd has wings and can fly.

Confusing talk about what’s going on in Paris and some other parts of the world

JL slowly figure out the universal merger that Damian already knows about

Damian is not impressed, it took him and Angel about 2 hours as 9 year olds

Somehow, Damian still has the ice prince image, less demon spawn though, that goes to Abd

Time moves on and one day, a plane from the other world arrives in Gotham

There’s a bit of confusion but it’s not exactly the first time something like this has happened at this point

WE steps up and offers jobs and a tour and all the usual Maribat plans (not just for the kids but all the other people on the plane)

Given the merger of the internet, MLB class and crew have some idea who the Waynes are and they accept. 

Estimated about 6 months for full merger so people from MLB world are kinda just stuck there until then

Lila literally cannot lie about knowing the Waynes personally but she sure can lie about other things.

Dick and Damian are sent in to monitor the group

The reunion is awkward given they can’t freely interact and are not supposed to know each other. 

While Dick is talking, there are just wide eyed staring between Marinette, Damian, and Cosette. With something a little extra between Marinette and Damian.

Cosette is torn between laughing and groaning at another rom-com trope coming in fast.

She ends up filming it bc blackmail is always good to have

Adrien is confused and quite frankly, he’s really just there to cover for them

The tour begins and about five minutes in, the trio breaks off and exchanges stories and names.

Cosette hears about Batman and has a dawning realization of what this world is, mentally nopes out, later digests that they are going into Maribat verse

Starts checking off Maribat tropes they’re coming across bc she might as well have fun with it

They continue to meet up

Batfam thinking Damian somehow managed to get two girlfriends

Damian choking on his breakfast when it is brought up

The girls are invited to dinner and Damian is just dying inside

Cosette blatantly hitting on all Damian’s brothers in the first 5 minutes

Damian screaming internally while Cosette cackles

Dick is awkward until he realizes it’s a joke, Jason plays along, Tim has an awkward bean crisis

Tim x Cosette? Maybe.

Cosette does that sit and repeat thing at least three times out of habit

Batfam gets full explanation about how they met and everything

I have played with the idea of Cosette getting fear gassed a couple times and Idk how it would go tbh.

That’s as far as I got with this version, so shenanigans ensue

Pretty sure they used the cards and magic throughout even if I didn’t mention it

Absolutely would be useful for being in two places at once

I later changed so the merger happens and then Paris’s heroes meet the Justice League

Damian immediately recognizing Cosette but not Marinette bc magic

still effective but weaker because of Damian’s magic type

He later recognizes Marinette later when she pulls off a move he taught her way back in CP

Nickname confusion for everyone else

Cosette vs Constantine on who gets to teach Damian magic

Damian goes to Paris. They beat Hawkmoth and then go to Gotham.

Also had a general idea of a plot with LoS that never got fleshed out past existing

If we’re going for the rebound version: Cosette reunites with Thor and Loki during the Avengers movie

Also, poor Heimdallr. He probably had a lot of headaches with the universe crash

Accelerated merger because of the convergence in the dark world.

I wanna go with 2012 Avengers towers shenanigans. + Loki and his sort-of but not really daughter

Cosette vs Antman, shrinking/growing, science vs magic.

And then there’s the whole Ironman vs Batman vs Arrow rich boy fight

Hammer x Luthor or Hammer vs Luthor?

Also, Cosette just staring at her home universe in betrayal and being insulted she didn’t think of it earlier because classic Nordic myths had Loki as Odin’s brother and not his son among other things but still

Fight against Thanos is a bit anti-climatic when you give a gremlin murder child magic and a sword that can through anything, including magical artifacts.

this baby boy can and will fight God and Cosette’s not really the kind to hold him back

If I actually wrote this, a lot of things would probably change because I’d actually have to put more thought into logistics and how things work

[alloveroliver]

QuickFics Event has concluded~

Thank you so much, everyone!

I am very proud of my one-year accomplishment!

I want to thank everyone individually that has participated, not only in the event but on my blog for the past year! I can’t do that personally, BUT I hope this post serves as a widespread THANK YOU!

You guys rock, and I’d be nothing but a silent writer without you XD. I love having a community to share things with and like-minded friends to make! I’ve met so many people that I cherish since I began this blog!

Thank you for every reblog on my fics! These mean the world!

I appreciate all the likes and comments! Having feedback on my work is something that helps me grow and change. Not only do I want to write things that make a difference, but I also want to make entertaining things!

Thank you to everyone that sends me personalized asks and sharing your positivity with me!

And a huge thank you to all my followers! This event was for yall, and I hope my appreciation came across with this event!.

I wanted to get kind of personal in my post so if that’s not your thing then don’t click “read more” lol and know that I adore you!

It’s funny. I don’t like commitment XD I think that’s why I got into otomes in the first place. It is. But, one of the things I have learned this past year is that there’s nothing wrong with committing. I used to be scared of what could happen. But life doesn’t care and will always be unpredictable no matter what you do. This has improved my friendships, my job, my family relationships, and that life lesson is the result of this blog lasting!

I never imagined I would stick to a hobby for so long tbh. One of my fav hobbies is language learning, and I usually stop after a few months and jump to another language. I ended up having the basic “Hello, how are you.” phrases in several languages and nothing past that. (Maybe some colors and curse words XD lol)

BUT then writing happened to me! (again?) Writing is something I secretly did as a child until my mother found one of my stories and showed my father and they laughed about it together :( It was a mermaid story, and it was about a mermaid girl meeting a human boy and becoming friends with them. But, somehow (with my 5th-grade knowledge of writing) the wording was so hilarious to my parents that it needed to be ridiculed. They made fun of spelling mistakes I made, typos and even the name of the boy I was writing about. (Wyatt, which I thought was a badass name. Calling him “What”) And I stopped writing, full stop. Unfortunately this wasn't the only instance of this. I didn’t want that kind of attention from my parents like that :(

In high school, I aced all my literature classes and always got complimented on my writing from good teachers. I started a notebook (because I knew if I started writing on my family’s shared computer, my mom could find my writing and ridicule the story again) and HAND WROTE a more mature version of the said mermaid story. It had lore, and it had love, loss, sacrifice, and an MC that I adored! I hand wrote enough to fill up two and a half one-subject notebooks. (How did my hands not fall off??? I probably wrote close to 45k words by hand out of fear that my work might be found out again...)

This had me spin-off with some other stories, and the spark seemed to be there. (All written in notebooks ofc) But life got in the way. I didn’t know any other writers, and I didn’t know where to go from where I was. In college, I took a creative writing class, but the teacher dropped the course, and I was defaulted to another English/writing class that was hella boring. It had a hand in making me hate writing all together for a while. It just didn’t seem like writing was something I was meant to do. So much was against me, so I quit. Again, thanks to my fear of committing to anything for long periods of time.

Fast forward to five years. I began reading a lot of books, unapologetically this time. I used to try to read what people didn’t make fun of, but when romance books were my fav thing I had to sneak them. Then I found fanfiction, and I was FLOORED. There were so many short stories, little universes, about my favorite otome/anime OTPs!!!

I have always been a dreamer. Daydreams ruled my life for as long as I can remember. There was always a side story playing in my head, ever-changing but always magical. It was amazing for me to see other peoples daydreams and fantastical stories written out and shared with the world! I appreciated them so much and wanted to hug each story and say, “Thank you for existing!” lol.

It took me a while, years, but I cracked open my computer (now only owned by me) and began typing away. It was terrible lol like super bad. I hadn’t been in school for a while, so I forgot all about “first person,” “second person,” “Third-person,” even basic grammar and editing. I spent a few months writing, and literally taking free online English grammar courses to relearn a bunch of stuff. xD

I still don’t know everything (obvs lol, like who does?), but I like where I am at, where I am going, and how I’m growing. 

Being able to write out my daydream was an absolute savage feeling. It made the story more real. The daydream was like smoke, and my written story was solidified matter, tangible. There was suddenly color, and scents, voices coming through, and lots and lots of emotions I didn’t know I’d feel. A community of people that I could share all this with as well, that didn’t ridicule me for my stories but instead lifted me up and encouraged me!

Now that I am writing again. I feel like I learned a whole new language, and I can express myself. It’s as if I couldn’t speak for so long and now I can sing.

[muchamusedaboutnothing]

Save Yourself

MoC!Dean x Reader

Dean's POV, One shot.

Song fic inspired by "Save Yourself" by Kaleo.

Wordcount: 1837

Warnings: angst. Lots of it. 

This was beta'd by the lovely @jpadjackles. Sam hugs go out to her for her help. ;)

Tagging peeps at the bottom. And I'm still fairly new to tumblr, so any comments would be greatly appreciated.

SAVE YOURSELF

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I should have seen this coming. Sure, I may not have known I was going to wind up with this damned Mark on my arm, but I knew from the moment we met that you were too good for me. Too innocent. Too pure. And not in predictable ways. Not like you hadn't seen your share of blood and darkness and evil.

No. You were no stranger to the things that would give most people nightmares. But you never lost sight of the good. In the world. In people. In the possibilities that lie around every corner. You're more like Sam in that way.

An image of the first time I saw you flashes through my mind. You, with your wide eyes and keen gaze, demon blood on your shirt and a bottle of holy water in one hand. You'd put up one hell of a fight before Sam and I had gotten there, and your hesitation to trust a couple of lanky, flannel-clad strangers had quickly given way to a friendship once the demon had been exorcised and the case was closed.

Friendship. I should have left it at that, but the palpable connection between the two of us was something I could only resist for so long. I'm just a man, afterall.

Once you moved into the bunker I just couldn't help myself. You were always looking up at me from under those dark lashes. Chewing on that bottom lip of yours while you read over lore books. And nobody should smell that good all of the damn time.

I should have resisted when I caught you stealing glances at me. Shouldn't have paid any attention to the way you matched your breathing to my own while you snuggled closer to me on movie nights. To the way my heart forgot how to play it cool, jumping and skipping at the simplest of touches.

Yes. I'd known way back then that this was all a bad idea. I was bad news for you. And that was before the Mark.

And yet, here you are sitting across from me, scribbling words on a lined piece of paper in your notebook while the shadows from the fire crackling nearby dance across your face. Even now I'm mesmerized by the way the light plays on your features, showcasing the slant of your nose, the angle of your jaw, the little V on your top lip.

I swallow hard, grateful you're too entranced in what you're writing to feel my stare. Lord knows I won't be able to explain what you'll find in my eyes if you look.

I hardly recognize myself these days, and the Mark of Cain tightens it's grip on me more and more with every passing hour.

You're determined to find a cure. You sound just like Sam when you talk about it. The two of you are hopelessly optimistic about a situation that is anything but. You study lore into all hours of the night, run through scenario after scenario with Sam, desperately searching for an answer. A way to save me. And goddammit if I don't love you more for it.

The problem is that it's become all too clear to me which one of us needs saving.

I watch you as you squint a little, trying to read what you've written in the light of the fire. I stare down at the notebook resting in my own lap. At the blank page there. You'll expect me to have written something down soon.

You glance up from your notebook long enough to see both our glasses are empty, and you hop right up to remedy the situation. You cross the threadbare rug with your bare feet to grab the half empty bottle of whiskey. You hum a little to yourself as you approach again, doing a little turn as if you're dancing to the song in your head before stopping to pour some of the amber liquid into my glass.

"Thank you."

The words are barely out of my mouth before you duck down and brush your lips against mine in a kiss that's soft and unhurried. I lean into it, to you, and I feel my heart thud a painful rhythm because just like me, it seems to know that one of these times is going to be the last time I feel your lips on mine.

When you pull back you give me just the smallest hint of a smile before filling your own glass, sitting and tucking one foot up under you as you go back to your notebook.

I don't know how you do it. How you manage to be so happy, so content, despite all the turmoil. Despite the heavy weight I've cast on your shoulders simply by loving you this past while.

It was your idea, this weekly act of writing down the things that scare us, or cause us pain, and crumbling up the pages to toss into the fire. I'd gone along with it at first mostly just because it seemed to make you happy.

Turns out it feels pretty good to watch secrets burn. Hell, it might even be one of the reasons the Mark hasn't completely poisoned every ounce of who I am yet.

But it won't work forever.

And I know you're the one real thing anchoring me to the memory of the man I want to be. The one I used to be. But that's all it is. A memory. I'm not that guy anymore. And the longer the Mark eats away at me, the more I understand that I'll never be that man again.

Every night it's the same thing. I'm torn between my desire to feel something, anything for just one more day, and knowing I should send you away. A better man would have cut all ties by now. And that's what you deserve.

Somewhere inside me I've got to find the strength to convince you I don't love you.

I'll have to break you. To destroy any ounce of hope you've been holding onto. Because that's the only way I see you ever walking out of my life.

It makes me sick just thinking about it. I've played out that soon-to-be fight in my head a hundred times if I've done it once. I can't imagine the words that will have to leave my mouth, the things I'll have to do to convince you to go.

I take a swallow from my whiskey glass and set the cup down, stealing one more glance at your face.

You let out a soft sigh and tear a page from your notebook, crumpling it up with a smirk of satisfaction. You toss it into the flames and watch it blacken and turn to ash. Then you look up at me expectantly as you reach for your glass and take a sip.

And so for the third week in a row I write down the words that break what's left of my blackening heart. The words I can't bear to say outloud just yet:

I'm losing myself. But I'll be damned if I'm taking you down with me. I loved you once, more than any one man should be able to love, but this darkness is consuming me. I don't know how to love anymore. And I'm done going through the motions. You have to go.

Go ... and forget all about me.

Find someone else who deserves to see that light in your eyes, who deserves to be the reason behind it. Someone who won't taint it with darkness, despair, violence.

So go, Darlin.

Save yourself.

The words I write are a combination of soul-bending truths and lies so horrific I'm not sure how I'll say them outloud to you when the time comes. But I'll say them if it's the last thing I do. Because as long as you keep looking at me like I'm a damn hero you won't be safe.

I tear the page out and crumple it with one hand, leaning forward and tossing it into the fire. The flames lick at the paper, consuming it in a manner I'm all too familiar with.

You make your way over to me, your hand going to the back of my neck as you lower yourself onto my lap, facing me.

"Hey handsome," you purr.

God, it's almost too much to handle. I avert my gaze, finding a new interest in the pattern on the rug. And I should just tell you now. Fast and hard like ripping off a bandaid. It's as good a time as any to break a heart.

Or two.

And Sam is nearby. He'll be right here to stop me if, God forbid, the act of pushing you away is all it takes to throw the flood gates open wide and this monster inside of me takes hold.

God, you'll be devastated. Even after everything that's happened, you won't see it coming.

You'll know why I'm doing it. You'll insist you can save me. That I'm still worth saving, even though I know differently. You'll look at me with those big, watery eyes, and I'll have a hard time not believing everything you say in the moment.

Because against your better judgement, you're in love with me.

And that's why I know I'll have to shatter that beautiful heart of yours into a thousand goddamn pieces to keep you safe.

Your hand cups my cheek, your thumb brushing along the stubble on my chin, and hell .... I don't know how I'm going to do it.

It won't be long now. The mark won't allow me to go through with it if I don't do it soon.

I meet your gaze, find the worry hidden there that you're doing a damned good job at concealing, for the most part.

I wet my lips with my tongue as your other hand lands on my chest.

"You're supposed to let it go, you know," you say softly. "That's the whole point of burning our secrets, so we don't have to hold them in."

I should do it. I should. But your lips are dangerously close to mine. So close your breath tickles my skin....

Not tonight.

Tonight I'm going to wrap my arms around you by this fire and hold you close against me. I'm going to mourn the loss of my old self. Of you. Of us.

I'm going to revel in the feel of your chest pressed against mine. The way you pace your breathing to match my own. Let my heart hammer out that unsteady rhythm like it's competing for the title of world's worst drummer.

Tonight I'll stare into those eyes, still wonder-filled and hopeful as you gaze up at me from under those dark lashes, and I'll know I was a better man for a time because of you.

And I'm too goddamn selfish to tell you just now, but you're better off without me.

Tagging peeps who asked to be added to my fics, or that liked my first fic and/or will hopefully help boost the signal. ;) Still fairly new to tumblr, so any signal boosting is greatly appreciated. 

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