#but i figured if I cleaned out the shit i deem bad I'd be more likely to check in

[torchickentacos]

okay, so while the temptation of shitpost meme fics is very high, I did not account for my fandoms list having to look like this.

[two-sides-halved]

Continued | @erisdiamas

"Oh?? If it was that specific gem only, then why did your feelings for your own Jasper bleed into your opinion of my own? I mean, yes, she's dedicated, she was made to be, she's still kinda unlearning the homeworld propaganda that she's had ever since she popped out of her exit hole." He explained. "She still carries those feelings so failure from failing to protect her Diamond from being shattered, despite how it was faked... then despite how she fought during the war, fought on the side of Homeworld in Pink Diamond's name, despite being in Yellow Diamonds court now." Gem Steven replied. "She still carried those feelings of grief... she still does... so does Iris. Old habits die hard and all that..."

"I enjoy Jasper's company not, because she's dedicated to me, but because we share those feelings of failure to protect the people we swore to protect... I see myself in her... every flaw I have she also has... and I know you probably don't like hearing me compare myself to someone you deem a mutt, but that wouldn't be the first time I've compared myself to something akin to an attack dog."

He let out a low sigh. "I know that you don't need me... and I think that's why it hurts so much when you left the first time... because I know everyone's going to out grow me one way or another... hell Steven planned for his own cross country trip and all I could think of was... "of course he's leaving me... he doesn't need me any more no one does, I've become obsolete. I'm off color, overcooked, a mistake that no one wanted to deal with because everyone wanted Rose back and they got stuck with me." His tears started flowing over his cheeks, notably these tears didn't sparkly or fizzle away, but flowed down over his chubby cheek and onto the ground surprisingly no ill effects followed after.

"So when you came back I was so relieved to see you were ok, but then wracked with guilt that I didn't try harder to find you... that I when I was told she was going to be fine, I just believed you would instead of hunting you down like a bloodhound and making sure that you would never had to deal with any of this shit you had to deal with." He huffed a bit, as he pushed away the finished charcoal drawing, and wiped the dust on his pants before sniffling like a miserable kid huffing and puffing about a bad dream he had.

"By the time you left the second time I had figured... yea she can handle herself, she's proven to me she's been through hell and she can handle it, but I don't like it, I don't like leaving that up to chance... but I know the more I push you to stay home the more you're gonna feel like a fish inside a bird cage... longing for the open waters to explore the world, yet in an environment that's suffocating the longer that you're away from it." He huffed, and sniffled.

"I don't wanna make you feel like I'm suffocating you... I don't like feeling like I'm this massive problem that everyone has to deal... I don't like being constantly reminded of my past failures and mistakes...you're asking what I want... what I want is to forget about the past and have this fresh clean slate where I only remember being here on this Earth and not having to remember all the bad things that happened that caused me to be here in the first place." He shield himself. "I know everything that mom did albeit very fuzzy now, what she was thinking, why she thought it was the only way or a good idea... how she tried her damnedest to make things right... she never wanted to hurt anyone and she only ended up hurting everyone with her good intentions." He huffed as he made another few smores for the both of them passing her a few while eating one of them.

"I can't speak if your version of Rose was the same way, or even if Classic's version of Rose was that way, but I'd like to think that all these Roses are all cut from this same cloth of being underappreciated, rebelling against the idea that she's lesser than to everyone's failure to realize that she was unhappy, worked to make it so she could be happy, and only found happiness when she met someone like dad... who pushed back these feelings of superiority, who made her realize that what the diamonds did to her was wrong, but also that she was doing the same god damn thing and not realizing it until finally realizing that she was the problem and solving it by getting rid of herself..." He huffed, flopping down on the ground with his arms under his head looking up at the eerily green sky, with the shimmering starts peaking through, he was getting better but he wasn't quite there yet.

"To think all of this still stems from that movie is downright laughable if it weren't so emotionally draining." Gem Steven replied with a soft mumble due to his mouth being full.

[thehealingplum]

I think that my dad is the type who solely looks at productivity being a thing that deems people worthy of living. That being said, if you are enjoying life too much, that means you are goofing off and not working hard enough. So if he hears you laughing or sees you buying something he considers unnecessary, he will assume that you are taking advantage of his hard work and wasting your time with pointless things.

Self care is not a thing. Neither physical nor emotional. You do not deserve to be well. You should be hurting, suffering, and not be whining about it at all. His pain is worse than yours. Period. You have severe hip pains? Well, he had a cancerous growth. You got trauma? Well, he sacrificed so much for you to make sure you lived a good life. You're spoiled and you should learn what suffering is actually like.

I don't really know how he managed to fill our minds with illusions of love and respect. My childhood images of him in my head are mainly "he was drinking, his eyes are bloodshot, he's getting the belt to beat us."

I'd been punished for dumb things. I had forgotten my key and my brother and I didn't feel safe sitting outside. So we went to a friend's apartment (two brothers and one sister) and dad was so fucking pissed that we went in someone's house. I wanted to protect my brother and make sure he was safe, so being inside seemed like the safer choice. I was 9.

He has made me feel utterly foolish for having any feelings. I went to him anytime I was afraid of something. Nightmares as a child were just met with a condescending "poor baby." Fears were mocked. After a tornado had passed over the place that I had worked, I became afraid of strong winds, and he would laugh at me for hiding downstairs in the safe areas. Tears were unwelcomed. "I'll give you something to cry about" was a common phrase he used towards us whenever we shed any tears in front of him.

Mistakes were never let go. Ever. It took YEARS for him to stop reminding me of the time I accidentally spilled cleaning chemicals and burned the carpet. I had gone out to buy stuff for cleaning because I was really excited about being able to do something to help out around the house. And he... He didn't care about the attempt to clean and he didn't worry about if I had potentially gotten dangerous chemicals on myself. He was mad about me ruining HIS CARPET. I still see those spots every day because it is right outside of my old room and the bathroom.

My biggest bully for my entire life... Is my dad. If I were to interact with my mom more, she would also be at the top of my bullies list. Because she does not hesitate to pull me down and make me feel bad for things that I have no control over,and things that happened so very far in the past that I don't even remember.

Both of them have mental notes on things that I owe them, since I, their child, needed assistance with life. Everything with monetary value has been seen as a loan. Everything. Food. Shelter. These are things we have to pay back in the future when they need someone to take care of them. I refuse. He has a wife and she will probably have a husband. They'll figure things out. I'm done caring for people who get angry at me for everything.

I want positivity in my life. Yeah, I've experienced a lot of shit, and sometimes things go wrong and people frustrate you, but it's not a fucking reason to be a cold-hearted asshole.

I'm gonna be the giggly nonsensical nerd that makes people laugh and feel good about themselves.