#but i feel stagnant sometimes even though i have a ton to be grateful for like a new job thats starting up and new mentors in my life

[momopeach]

💡🫥

[karasimpno]

{Day 06} - If I Loved You | Ushijima x Reader

Pairing: Ushijima Wakatoshi x Gn!Reader

Genre: fluff, tender Ushi-Waka meet-cute!!

WC: 2.1k

Warnings: drinking, mention of a frat party, discussions of L O V E

⍋⋆*❅｡. 25 days of fic-mas mlist .｡❅*⋆⍋

If I loved you words wouldn’t come in an easy way ‘round in circles I’d go —If I Loved You; Carousel (music by Richard Rodgers and lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein)

It was a raucous party at the end of your senior year of college and you hardly knew anyone there.

You’d had a sweet mixed drink with barely any alcohol in it while your roommates who had dragged you to the party and everyone around you was hammering back shot after shot. There was a kitchen island full of booze and someone who had started bartending to boot, collecting an impressive jar of dollar bills as he did so. Downing the rest of your drink, you decided to take a step outside – it was only 10pm and you were already sort of itching to leave.

Closing the front door behind you, you stepped out onto the porch, audibly sighing before you realized: you weren’t alone. 

Sitting toward the bottom of the porch stairs sat a hulking man with shaggy chocolate hair, his back to you. You cleared your throat and he glanced back at you with dark eyes deep-set into his severe features.

“Mind if I sit?” you asked. His eyebrows shot up a little but he gestured vaguely welcomingly at the steps next to him. You smiled and sat on the opposite side of the stairs, even with him, grateful for the cool nighttime air and the break from inside. As you were getting settled, you glimpsed his toned golden skin and distinctively sharp features and realized you recognize the man.

“Hey...you’re Ushi-Waka, right?” you asked. “I’ve seen a couple of the volleyball games.” He peered at you curiously.

“Yeah. Who are you?” he asked, not unkindly. His voice was startlingly deep. You answered him with your name and smiled, taking in the nice spring evening when he responds with silence. Not looking to get involved with anyone new at the end of your college career, you internally berated yourself when you caught your gaze sneaking over to how his hair swept across his forehead, making him look all too casually dashing. His eyes remained focused on the road past the gate to the frat house. Feeling friendly, you decided to try to strike up a conversation.

“You’re really good at volleyball! Your spikes are like...killer,” you offered. He glanced back at you again, as though he were trying to read you.

“Hope you’re not...scared or anything,” he said awkwardly. You couldn’t tell if he was joking or not – he looked pretty serious. His hulking frame stretched over the wooden stairs, exposed calves leaving no muscle to the imagination. You could see why some people might find that intimidating but it did nothing but favors for him in your eyes. You decided it was a joke and playfully turned out one of your pockets.

“Well I’m broke as a joke so what’re you gonna do – steal something from me?” you laughed. “And aside from that, I can take pretty good care of myself.” Despite the rigid features of his face, his eyes on yours were a warm golden color. He didn’t laugh, but continued to look at you. The two of you leaned apart to let someone walk up the front steps between you, the noise of the party surging then becoming muted again as the front door opened and closed with a slam. Maybe it was the sweet drink you had just finished, but the night was nice and you were in a better mood than you were inside, so you took a whim.

“Hey, you wanna get out of here?” you said suddenly. He cleared his throat, a bit too loudly.

“Wait you mean like... uh,” he said, his face faltering a bit.

“Oh! No – no like do you wanna go for a walk or something,” you assured him, blushing a little. “It’s nice out and the party’s loud.” Ushijima had a funny feeling about you. You reminded him a bit of his friend who brought him here, Tendou, with your openness. Normally he’d be hesitant to leave him at a party, but something about your warmth convinced him to take you up on the offer.

“Sure,” he said evenly, rising to his feet, pushing his hands into his pockets. Despite yourself, you found your breath catching when you saw him at his full stature. Even when you stood, you had to lift your chin to meet his eyes. The two of you walked haltingly away from the front door, silently turning down the residential streets toward a park you knew of. He felt like the contradiction of some mighty Greek god, sculpted in intimidating power yet walking almost awkwardly beside you. You made small talk, exchanging your majors, where you were from, and post-graduation plans. His eyes stayed focused on the sidewalk, treating you to a good view of his strong profile. You noted how handsome his slightly-upturned nose was and instantly told your subconscious to shut up with its unhelpful observations. His every step was graceful and controlled.

There was a moment of silence, only broken by the occasional brush of wind through blooming trees overhead. He cleared his throat.

“So...have you ever been in love?” he asked. You nearly snorted, a sharp exhale pushing out of your nose and the corners of your lips quirking upwards. You glanced at his face, biting back a smile, but when you saw his unchanged, stoic expression, you decided he must surely just have the driest sense of humor of anyone you’d ever met.

“No,” you laughed. “I’ve never been in love. I’m not the marrying kind so I can’t just go falling in love with anyone,” you teased. Unexpectedly, you caught a glint in his narrowed eyes which darted over to yours.

“So if I said I’d marry you, you wouldn’t marry someone like me?” he challenged.

“Sure I would. If I loved you, it wouldn’t make any difference what you....” you trailed off, your brows furrowing. Was he being serious? First the comment about being scared of him, then talking about “someone like him”...he seemed like the kind of man to take pride in his physicality. Based on the way you’d seen him play, in fact, you would bet on it. But had someone made him feel different or weird? You felt your heart softening a little towards him.

“How do you know what you’d do if you loved me? How you’d feel?... Anything?” his voice had a soft lilt to it but his face remained impassive as he side-eyed you.

“I don’t know,” you laughed at the bizarre interrogation, but decided to play along. “But I know...it would distract me constantly!” you said mischievously, playfully frustrated. “I couldn’t get a thing done and I’d just sit staring into space, being so in love with you,” you mused, a half-smile on your face at the idea.

“But you aren’t,” Ushijima poked, seemingly serious. You met his eyes.

“No. I just know how I’d be,” you admitted, the playfulness seeping away from your voice as you grew more thoughtful. You’d thought about the idea of being in love tons of times. As much of a hassle as it seemed, you also had to admit you loved the idea of it. You exhaled, suddenly pensive, drawn away by the idea.

“If I loved you, I wouldn’t know how to tell you, that’s for sure. I couldn’t find the words...and I’d try to tell you, but I’d be afraid...and shy,” you seemed to catch Ushijima’s attention at this. Your eyes met again for a brief moment before you jerked your focus away, turning your gaze to the cherry trees framing the park the two of you were entering. You cleared your throat, letting levity slip back into your voice with a smile.

“But I’d let you slip through my fingers and then you’d leave!” you said with a dramatic sigh. “Neeever knowing how. I. felt,” you sing-songed, teasing him. “If I loved you, that is.” You playfully nudged Ushijima with your elbow, inhaling deeply. The two of you walked in silence for a moment.

“The cherry blossoms sure are beautiful,” you remarked quietly when he had nothing to say to your hypothetical. “You can smell them in the wind.” He blinked.

“There’s not much wind tonight,” he observed. You furrowed your brows at him then glanced around. He was right, any breeze that had blown by earlier had died down and the air felt almost stagnant.

“You can’t feel or hear much of anything tonight,” he said, in what you would almost call a somber tone. “But I like it. It makes you feel kind of...small,” he mused quietly. You looked at him. He was wrapped up in his own thoughts and it was, you hated to acknowledge it, rather beautiful to watch his brow work through the idea. “When I was younger, sometimes on nights like these, my dad would take me out on our rooftop and we’d look at all the stars.” He glanced up, thoughtful. After a moment, the two of you slowed to a stop, your eyes still trained on his strong features as he gazed at the sky. His irises flicked down and quickly over to yours and you were suddenly aware that you had been staring. You swallowed and looked away at the cherry blossoms.

“I sorta wonder...” he trailed off, then let out a soft laugh at himself. You snapped your head towards his, amused. It was the first time you’d actually heard him laugh that evening, soft though it was. It was sweet. “Nah...” he said with the gentlest smile, and walked over to a park bench.

“What?” you asked, his smile contagious. You followed him and took a seat on the opposite site of the bench, tucking your legs underneath you.

“Nothing. I mean, if I loved you.... God I can just see it. I’d be all weak and reserved. I’d be too shy to tell you either but... I’d be whipped for you,” he was teasing now, you could tell. You could begin to see the glint of his teeth behind his lips. He wasn’t exactly what you would call a flirt, but the idea had sparked his interest. He was hard to read but you found you were enjoying unlocking the puzzle.

You swallowed, suppressing an involuntary smile at the idea of Ushijima Wakatoshi being whipped for you.

“But you aren’t!” you interjected, as he had so diligently reminded you in your musings.

“No, I’m not.” His soft smile shot through you and you quickly reminded yourself that you were just flirting, passing the time on the night of a boring frat party, nothing more. In a few minutes, you’d be heading back to the party and dragging your drunk friends home. His eyes lingered on yours just a moment before returning to the sky. There was a pause and you could swear you heard him sigh.

“But I know what you mean. I can see what I’d be like, if I loved you. The words, the timing would never be right. Even if I was dying to tell you how I felt, I’d be too nervous,” he had returned to his pensive default. “You’d lose interest and never even know that I loved you,” he trailed off. Silence. “Hypothetically, of course,” he added. You found that you weren’t smiling anymore, simply thinking of the idea and watching his gears turn.

“But I don’t plan on marrying either,” he said, his voice gaining a harsher, rushed edge. “My career comes first.”

“Don’t worry about it,” you said absently, your gaze returning to the trees around the park as a funny feeling settled in your chest. It was a nice evening. And here you sat, with a man you’d just met, talking about love. It was one of those special moments where the lateness of the hour just made people say things with a certain reverence and weight that they wouldn’t have over casual lunch. He was leaning against the back of the bench, his hand resting out to his side. You noted the distance between yours and his and wondered if they had been that close before.

“You were right,” you started and his gaze shifted to your face, “about there not being a lot of wind tonight. The blossoms are just falling by themselves,” you said, watching them float to the ground. Suddenly, you felt the outside of Ushijima’s little finger come to rest against the outside of yours. You glanced down, then your eyes tracked up to his, which were already on your face, molten gold and almost afraid-looking, despite their ferocity.

“Just their time to, I guess,” you exhaled.

A/n: PLEASE go listen to the Jesse Mueller and Joshua Henry’s recording of this here!!!! This song makes my heart swell and I never thought I’d draw out this side of ushi like this - I’ve never gotten softer towards a character bc of my own writing before but now ushi just stays on my mind 🥺

Taglist: @izagraceee​ @musicgetsmeoutofbed​ @azo-musxas​ @tsumurai

[humanmoodring-retired]

Old Wounds and New || Luce & Nadia

TIMING: Current  PARTIES: @divineluce & @humanmoodring SUMMARY: Luce brings Nadia’s cat back. Neither of them feel a single feeling at all. CONTENT: Medical blood, mentions of sibling death

“C’mon, I’d thought you’d be happy,” Luce said to the mrowling cat carrier in her hand, the small bag of toys she’d accumulated over the months for Rhiannon slung over her shoulder. “Aren’t you glad to be away from Taki and Dia? Iggy too, but he never tried to swat at you.” She said. Her familiar had been remarkably tolerant of the large grey cat when she’d first arrived in the Vural home. He’d always been friendly towards Taki and Dia, but that was expected of her sisters’ familiars. But Luce had been surprised at his general friendliness towards Rhiannon, as a normal, ordinary cat. Making her way up the familiar steps, Luce paused outside Nadia’s door. She was back. This wasn’t a trick, it wasn’t some fucked up double take moment. She was back and she was here and-- Fuck. “You’re just here to give her back her damn cat.” Luce whispered to herself, trying to tamp down the rapid pounding in her chest. She still remembered what she’d learned the last time she was here, how Nadia could… sense emotions. That Nadia was an empath. She didn’t want the other woman to have to deal with her own muddled feelings on the situation. After all Nadia had been through? She didn’t need Luce’s baggage.

Swallowing, Luce knocked on the door. When it swung open, she offered an easy grin and held up the yowling cat carrier. “Someone’s been missing you.”

Nadia had been staring at the bathroom mirror for… she didn’t know how long, actually. It had been awhile. Long enough that she was startled when she heard the knock on the door, cursing and stumbling to the front door. She ran her good hand through her hair, tried to look as presentable as she could in sweatpants and a cardigan. The bandages around her stomach were mostly hidden. She didn’t look great; she hadn’t been sleeping well, and she was still pretty fucking pale, and she had a damn cast. But she didn’t look like a corpse anymore, which had been the look she’d been rocking for a few weeks. She opened the door, positioning her arm a bit to where it wasn’t the most noticeable thing. “Hey,” she said, giving Luce a tired smile. She looked at the cat carrier, at the large, hissing creature inside it. “Oh fucking Christ.” She opened the door up wider, swallowing. She could actually feel Luce, decently, even if she couldn’t quite figure out what the other woman was feeling. It had been a really long time since she’d felt anyone else’s emotions, properly. Regan’s were so muted, and Nadia’d been trapped in her own head for so long that she’d begun to worry if she could even still feel. It was a relief to know she could. “Yeah, yeah she looks like she’s missed me a ton,” she said, laughing a bit.

Nadia looked like shit. But, Luce realized that was kind of their MO. More often than not, Luce had seen Nadia looking less than put together, tired and drawn, exhausted by the town they lived in. And, she’d been in the same situation too. But, this time around, Luce was the one who wasn’t visibly wounded. “Hey.” She repeated with a nod. Her nonchalance didn’t hide the way her eyes flicked across the woman’s body-- not checking her out. Checking up on her. She was seeing the extent of the damage that poltergeist bitch had left on Nadia. And fuck, it looked like the other woman had been through hell and back. Even so, relief spread over her as she heard Nadia’s voice again. It was the same voice that the poltergeist had spoke with, but it wasn’t. It was Nadia. It was her. She was back, she was really back. Swallowing, Luce ignored the urge to reach out and touch her face, to make sure that it was really truly her. She instead walked inside, unzipping the cat carrier as she did so. “Trust me, she did. She was a mess the first couple months.” Luce said as she pulled the frazzled cat gently from the carrier. “C’mon. Look who it is.” She muttered quietly to Rhiannon, letting the large grey creature jump from her arms.

Relief and concern that weren’t really hers washed over Nadia like a fucking wave, and she had to blink the feelings away. Alright, yeah, it still worked. It was nice to know that it still worked, even if she felt like a raw nerve. She thought about saying something, but she didn’t. She shut the door instead, leaning against it a bit before turning around. There was something warm that tightened in her chest in seeing Luce, in seeing Rhiannon, in actually being there in the room and not just being a shade. It was almost too much, to feel real and have that feeling not be connected to pain or dread or sleeplessness. She watched Rhiannon walk around the apartment hesitantly, and then look at her. The last time Rhiannon had been here probably hadn’t been a good one, and Nadia had no clue if the cat could differentiate between her and Cordelia. They seemed to be at an impasse. Nadia bent down, flinching a bit at the flaring pain in her side. She held out her good hand tentatively. “Hey, hey. She’s not here anymore.” She swallowed tightly. She glanced up at Luce. “I was gone a really long time, wasn’t I?” It felt even longer than six years, even though it had only been a few months. It felt like a lifetime.

Luce kept a watchful eye over Rhiannon and Nadia as the two interacted. She didn’t really know how they’d left off, only that Nadia had fought off the poltergeist long enough to contact her about taking the cat from the apartment. Which probably meant things hadn’t been the greatest. Noticing the way Nadia winced, Luce blinked, suddenly taking in the cast on her arm. “I’d ask if you’re okay, but that’s a stupid question given everything that’s happened. Do you want to… sit down or something?” She asked, glancing around if there was a chair she could bring over or something for her. “And, yeah. Yeah, you were.” Luce said, a touch guilty. She didn’t know exactly how long Nadia had been gone. How long had that bitch masqueraded around, how long had she actually known the other woman? At least five months, she knew that much. At least five. But more than that? Luce had no idea.

“I’m fine,” Nadia said without thinking, focusing on Rhiannon as the cat sniffed at her fingers hesitantly. Did she know? Did animals know when their person wasn’t… their person? She sighed, looking back up at Luce. The other woman felt like guilt. Nadia couldn’t imagine what, out of the two of them, she had to feel guilty about.. “All I’ve been doing for weeks is sitting down or resting or sleeping.” That last one was a little iffy; sometimes she slept well, but most of the time she did not. “It’s nice to not be doing… that.” Even if it hurt like a bitch, the stitches tugging a bit with her movements. The stitches. Right, that was what she’d been doing, before Luce had showed up. She needed to change the dressing. She brushed a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry, about that. I don’t remember, like, a lot, while I was possessed-possessed, but I remember you coming over for some phoenix tears, and I remember you being here another time, and I-- Fuck. Sorry. About all of that. Especially asking you to keep her for so long.” Asking someone that you were literally just fucking was really, really stupid. She realized that, now. Nadia was just lucky Luce had been nice enough about it. She looked at Rhiannon before moving to get up, slowly. She gave Luce a tight smile. “I’m, uh, not great company right now. Actually, I’ve got to, like, redress some shit, and that takes a while, and, I mean, if you don’t want to be here, I get it.” She did. Luce was in no way obligated to stick around.

At Nadia’s quick rebuke at her offer, Luce stiffened slightly. But, why should she? If Nadia said she was fine-- still looking at the other woman, Luce watched the way she moved. No, she wasn’t fine. But, she could understand the frustration of being stuck and stagnant. “Fair enough. I won’t stop you.” She said with a shrug. As Nadia recounted the brief moments she could remember, Luce thought back to those moments. Phoenix tears? No, but that was-- Luce’s eyes went wide as she realized just how long ago that was. “Phoenix tears. That was back when, when…” Swallowing, she pressed her fingers to the choker that covered the thick scar around the side of her neck. “Shit. That was a lot… A lot longer than I thought.” She said, shaken. Nadia had been gone that long? And Luce hadn’t even noticed, not for at least another month. Swallowing, Luce shook her head, “No, don’t worry about it. I’m used to cats. And Iggy liked the company.” She said, still stuck on the timing. The phoenix tears, she’d needed them before she had to rescue Nell and Remmy. That was July. And Nadia was only just back? Fuck. Fuck.

As Nadia stood up gingerly, Luce reached out to help her but stopped short. Her fingers hovered tentatively before she cleared her throat. “Do you want help? I know a bit about first aid stuff. And I wrap tattoos everyday.” She asked, the offer half for Nadia and half for herself. She didn’t want to be alone, trying to make peace with the disturbing new timeline that faced her. She didn’t want to leave Nadia alone either, not after all she’d been through. But, they’d never been like this before. If the other woman wanted her to leave, she would.

“I appreciate that.” Nadia was grateful, really, that Luce wasn’t being overbearing in making sure that she rested. Then again, Luce didn’t know just quite how close Nadia had gotten to dying, and Nadia had no desire to let her know. She didn’t want to feel Luce’s pity in addition to, just, everything else. She couldn’t handle it, didn’t want it. She let Rhiannon butt her head against her hand, felt the soft fur underneath her fingers, blinked something warm and tight out of her eyes. She looked at Luce, trying to discern what had upset her, why she touched at her neck. “I’m not sure how long it was before the tears and everything that she-- Yeah, I don’t know. You, uh, you still figured out sooner than anyone else, I think.” Nadia wasn’t… she wasn’t upset with how long it took people to figure anything out. She wasn’t. She didn’t even know if she could be; no one had ever figured it out before. She threaded her fingers through long cat fur, taking comfort in it. “Iggy is your… salamander, right? I’m surprised he likes cats, especially this one.” She’d have smiled if she wasn’t feeling choked by whatever Luce was feeling.

“It’s-- I mean-- You don’t have to,” Nadia had to say quickly because the truth was that there was really nothing she wanted more than for Luce to stay, and she was at a loss for what to do with this information. She just didn’t want the other woman to see her like this, like she was shattered glass. She’d almost punched her mirror the other morning, only stopping herself with the knowledge that she needed at least one good hand if she didn’t want to be a fucking invalid. “I… wouldn’t mind the help, though.” The words felt thick in her mouth, hard to admit. “It might look a little worse than it actually is, though.” Or maybe it was the other way around. It wasn’t that bad, not really. Just a clean stab wound. One that went through her liver and her large intestine and could probably still get infected and kill her, maybe. She didn’t know. Wryly, she added, “I feel like you keep running into me at my worse.”

“Yeah, for sure.” Luce murmured, mind still reeling from the revelation of just how long Nadia had been gone. She’d been possessed since… since Bea had gotten back. She’d been gone for that long. Her fingers dug into the soft velvet of the choker, pressing it into her neck as she tried to figure out the timeline of events. Nadia had gone before the tears? Christ. But, at the other woman’s words, Luce stared at her in surprise. What? How did other people not figure it out sooner? “Really?” Did that mean she was to blame for Nadia been stuck like this for so long? Should she have tried to tell people? Should she have acted sooner? But, the poltergeist, she’d said that she would kill Nadia if Luce did anything. Shaking her head of the thoughts, Luce nodded at Nadia’s question. “Fire salamander. And familiar. He grew up with my sister’s cats around him all the time so he doesn’t mind them much. I think he was just happy to have one around that was normal for a change.” She said with a slight smile.

“I offered. I don’t really do that unless I mean it.” Luce said. It was true. She’d never been the type to really give a shit, but when she did… She meant it. At least, she thought she did. The memory of Remmy, of them leaving, of the moments they’d shared together… she’d given a shit then, but it was too late. There was too much distance between them, too much pain that she’d caused for them to see past. And, Luce realized, she didn’t want that to happen with Nadia. Not really. “I’ve seen some pretty nasty wounds,” Like my sister’s decapitated body, “ so, don’t worry. I can handle it.” She said with a nod. “Well, hey. Next time I get fucked up, you’ll be the first person I call.” Luce joked.

Watching the way Luce’s fingers played with the choker, feeling secondhand pain and surprise and everything else, Nadia’s own fingers went up to her neck. “Really,” she repeated. “Though, I-- I think that you found out, and then something really shitty happened, and that’s when everything went to shit.” The cabin had happened, and she’d left her apartment, and she and Cordelia had been snatching control from each other without even meaning to, on her part. Then the botched exorcism, then the real exorcism, and now she was back. She was back, she was back, Nadia had to keep reminding herself that she was back, solid and real and a person, living and breathing. She might have grabbed at Rhiannon a bit too hard before she forced her fingers to let go, took a breath, relaxed. “I’m glad she wasn’t awful.” The cat moved away, flicking her tail and roaming the apartment to refamiliarize herself with it.

Nadia stood, doing her best to keep her hand from moving to her side. The pain was more of a tugging sensation than anything else, a discomfort rather than something debilitating. “I-- Okay. Thanks.” Nadia laughed slightly. “I’m really hoping that neither of us get this fucked up again for quite some time.” But the thought of that, not just Luce getting hurt but the fact that the other woman trusted her enough to tell her about it was a lot. Maybe it was just a return of favor; I saw you at your worst, so you can see me like that, too. That sounded stupid. She shifted a bit from foot to foot before clearing her throat. “Right. I’ll, uh, I keep everything in the bathroom, but you don’t need a mirror to see me-- well, this time-- so I’ll just grab it and be back. Just, like, wait here.” And she forced herself to walk to the bathroom at a normal pace. She leaned against the sink, just for a moment. She just needed a moment. Then, she grabbed the first aid kit, walked back out. She fumbled with it. “Before we do this, it’s not, you know, as bad as it looks, okay?”

“Fuck.” Luce muttered under her breath at the woman’s words. Her eyes flicked to Nadia’s hand, at the way she was touching her own neck and remembered what the poltergeist had told her-- shit. Dropping her hands to her sides, Luce tried to steer her thoughts away from her own issues. She didn’t need to pile more shit on to Nadia, not when she looked like she’d already been through hell and back. And fuck, that’s basically what had happened, right? She’d been forced from her body, a lingering soul on this world. If that wasn’t hell, Luce didn’t know what was. Running a hand through her hair, Luce shook her head, “Nah, she was fine. She’s a good cat. A punk sometimes, but a sweet one.”

“Yeah, for sure.” She said with a nod, watching Nadia get the first aid kit with apprehension. Luce let her grab the supplies on her own, even though she could tell how much the effort pained the other woman. “In this town, that’s a pretty tall order,” She said, “But, here’s hoping.” Because really, Luce wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take. How much more punishment could White Crest hand out to her before she finally threw in the towel? She didn’t want to find out. Luce watched Rhiannon pad around the apartment as she waited for Nadia to grab her supplies from the bathroom. The mention of the mirror made Luce wince. “I still don’t really know why that happened.” She said, more to herself than to Nadia. “My magic’s been… a bit fucked.” She glanced down at her tattooed knuckles, staring at the triangles on her fingers. Luce pulled herself from her troubled thoughts when Nadia returned. “Saying that generally means it’s just as bad as it looks, you know that, right?” Luce said, though she nodded all the same. “But sure. I’ll take your word on it.”

Punk was a good word to describe the cat, Nadia thought fondly as she watched Rhiannon jump onto the counter as if she owned the place. Fondness filled her, familiar and comforting, before she turned back to Luce, the other woman’s more negative emotions sobering her. “Here’s hoping,” she said softly. “You mentioned your magic, I think, when-- when. I’m not complaining about that. I-- There were only so many people that could see me, then, and I didn’t want to bother them all the time, you know? But, like, God, I sometimes would just..” She’d just forget to be, just disappear for hours or days and she didn’t know. She just didn’t fucking know. “It was good to see you, then, though.” Nadia scrunched up her nose up a bit. “Yeah, I know. I guess I should say it doesn’t hurt as bad as it looks.” She fumbled with the buttons on her cardigan with her good hand, muttering, “I swear I’m decent at this. You know I’m decent at this.” Nadia used to be pretty damn good at getting things off with one hand. She finally pulled it off, standing in just a tank top, her fingers hesitating with the hem. She was having second thoughts about this, more than a little self-conscious about her injuries. Finally, she pulled her shirt up to her ribcage, exposing the mess of bandages on the right side of her abdomen, her back. “It’s not deep,” she said, trying to keep her tone light. “I’ve been told that’s because it goes all the way through.”

Luce nodded, because she wasn’t sure what else she could do. She couldn’t say that she understood, because she didn’t. She couldn’t offer any kind of advice or any real kind of support. All she could do was listen and nod and hope that it helped Nadia in some way. “Well, in that case, I’m glad that it happened. Not that I wasn’t before.” She let out a breath, “I was mostly just…” Scared. She didn’t want to say that, didn’t want to voice the feeling. But, Nadia probably already knew what she meant. Lips quirking at the joke, Luce’s smile froze when she took in the bandages that were wrapped around Nadia’s side. “Shit.” She said, moving forward, hands outstretched to help her. Luce hesitated and her fingers hung inches from the other woman’s form. “I-- Let me help you out of that shirt. It’ll be easier to change the bandages without it in the way.” She said, before grabbing a pair of gloves and a roll of bandages from the first aid kit. “All the way through? What happened to you?” Luce asked quietly as she uncapped a bottle of antiseptic.

“I understand,” Nadia said, before she panicked, just a bit. “I mean, I really understand. I don’t-- Did I ever-- I’m an empath, I didn’t tell you that, before, and you-- you deserve to know that, even though I don’t really fucking get what it means most of the time.” She felt a tightness in her chest, uncomfortable and problematic, and she had to remind herself to breathe through it. Nadia let Luce help her out of her shirt, feeling self-conscious for no fucking reason. “Thanks,” she said. It was nice to be able to say that, at least, to thank someone without it being a cataclysmicly big deal. She hated thinking that, but it was true. “She wasn’t kind, my-- the ghost, Cordelia.” She had to say her name, make her real, make her someone separate from Nadia. “She did not go gently into that good night. It was really, uh, really melodramatic. Like, a whole, ‘if I can’t have this body, no one can’ kind of thing.” She was trying to joke, but she couldn’t help the way her eyes slid closed. “She stabbed me. During the exorcism. Yanked it out, too. Lost a lot of blood, I guess.” Nadia didn’t mention that she’d gotten really fucking close to having to visit Luce in that mirror again. Somehow, she didn’t think that would have gone over well.

Hearing how Nadia stumbled over her words, Luce spoke up, “It’s all good, really. I found out… when you were gone.” Her voice was quiet and calm as she took the scissors from the kit and began to cut away the bandages that covered the woman’s side. When Nadia said that it looked worse than it was, Luce had hoped that she was lying. But, the mass of stitches were proof enough that yeah, it was just as bad as it fucking looked. Jesus fucking christ. She really had been stabbed. By that bitch, Cordelia. She’d done this to Nadia, had put her through so much pain. “Jesus.” She swore under her breath before steadying herself with a nod. “You don’t need to keep joking about this, you know. If it helps you can, but you don’t need to. You went through something really fucked up. It’s okay to not be… okay with it.” She said as she began to rinse the wound with saline. “Let me know if this hurts too much and we can take a break or something.” Luce said as she set about patting the stitches with a piece of sterile gauze.

“You-- Right, right.” Nadia couldn’t help but feel just a little bitter. Of course Cordelia had spilled her secrets. Hell, Cordelia had probably been a better empath than her. At least she’d fucking known what she was doing. “If it makes you feel any better, I-- I don’t, like, try to pry into anyone’s feelings or shit. I try really hard not to, actually.” But sometimes people projected so loudly, and Luce didn’t need to swear for Nadia to know what she was feeling. She clenched her jaw a bit. “I mean, if I don’t joke about it, I start feeling really fucking sad, and, seriously, that’s kind of terrible. It could be worse. It could be so much worse.” She paused. “She could have stabbed me in my other side, and, really, it’s better this way. All my injuries are on one side, now.” She gave Luce a weak smile, barely twitching as Luce started to work. It hurt, sure, but it wasn’t bad. It could be worse. She relaxed a bit, though, even if it stung a bit. “This? This is nothing, you know?” She kept her tone light. “You’re hands are warm.” She had kind of forgotten what warm hands felt like.

“You don’t?” Luce asked. She couldn’t help the slight curiosity in her tone, it was just something she’d never heard of before. Magic and creatures and Hunters and covens, those were all things she’d grown up knowing. But, she’d never even thought that someone might exist who could sense another person’s emotions just by hanging around them. Dabbing gently at Nadia’s wound, Luce continued to speak. “That makes sense. Hell, I can barely handle my own emotions, I can’t imagine how it must be to feel other peoples.” Luce grimaced, the reality of it all sinking in. Every time Luce had come to Nadia, the other woman had felt her every emotion, her intent… Christ. No wonder she was coping with some attempt at humor. Luce shifted uncomfortably as she unscrewed the cap of the antiseptic. Clearing her throat, she offered a grin, “Well. Hey. I’ve done plenty of scar cover ups for people. Or, if you want something to fix the balance, I’m pretty sure I could come up with a piece for the other side.” She said, falling back onto one of the things she knew best, tattoos. Art. It couldn’t fix anything, but it was all she could offer. At the woman’s mention of her hands, Luce swallowed. “Mhm, yeah. I still run hot.” Even if her magic wasn’t.

“I try really hard not to,” Nadia said. She bit the inside of her cheek. “For the first, like, most of my life up until less than a year ago, I didn’t even know that it was a thing. I just kind of tried to ignore it.” Or she ended up being unable to tell the difference, the lines constantly blurring to figure out where her emotions ended and someone else’s began. She still had problems with that. She wondered if there would ever be a day that she wouldn’t have problems with that in the presence of another person. “It’s better now that I know what it is. Nothing is more confusing than watching just going out for drinks and being in the middle of a bar fight because you felt someone else want to start a bar fight.” Luce’s discomfort bled into Nadia’s own, but she did her best to stay still. She had a feeling they were discomforted by very different things. “Eh, there’s a scar that’s probably from a bullet wound on the other side. It probably balances out,” she said. “I might take you up on the cover up, though. Something that’s not like the piece on my shoulder. Maybe flowers? I like flowers. For the back, at least, just because I don’t need people to know I was almost a human kabob.” Luce had always radiated warmth in a way that Nadia found comforting, even when she probably shouldn’t have. This was no different, even if there was nothing more to this than Luce just being kind, offering to help her out. Nadia let her eyes shut. “It’s nice.”

As someone who’d lived her entire life knowing about the reality of this world, Luce couldn’t imagine what that must have been like. Her parents had always been so insistent on her learning how to control her magic, to practice with the innate power that lived within her. Nadia’s experience was so opposite of that. “That’s wild. But it makes sense that being aware of it has helped. It’s just… really different from anything I’ve heard of before.” Not that Luce was an expert. She’d only ever paid attention to her own magic, studying the flame and how to coax it into something. But, that hadn’t gotten her very far, now had it? Gently applying antiseptic cream to the stitches, Luce began to apply a layer of fresh gauze before winding bandages to hold it in place. A bullet scar? She’d wondered what it was, but fuck. Jesus. “Flowers, huh? Well, shit, you’re in luck.” Luce joked, tilting her head to sleeve and the peonies that wrapped around her arm. “But yeah, I’d be happy to help you with a cover up.” Glancing up at Nadia, Luce’s fingers paused as she wrapped the wound. Nadia’s skin had always been cooler than most, and now she couldn’t help but wonder why if it was because of the possession, if it was because of Nadia’s brushes with death. “I’m glad you think so.” Luce said quietly.

“It’s the lamest fucking superpower ever.” Nadia rolled her eyes just thinking about it. She could sense other people’s feelings but often got them confused with her own, to the point where she let them affect her own actions. “When I was in college, someone,” her therapist, but she didn’t want to get into that, “told me that I was really empathetic. Which is a thing, right? It’s totally a thing. I didn’t think I could actually feel other people’s emotions because that was too fucking metaphysical, even for me. But, hey, if magic is real, then, sure, why not weird feeling powers?” And, now, it was almost a comfort, like the pain in her side or the feeling of warm hands on her skin. It was a reminder that she wasn’t alone, wasn’t dead, wasn’t just lost in that forgotten place, waiting for the moment that someone saw her so she felt real again. She ghosted (ha) her fingers over Luce’s arm without even meaning to, barely touching the flowers. She’d always thought they were pretty. All of Luce’s tattoos were pretty. Luce was pretty. Which, all of that was stupid to think about, stupid to stop and consider for longer than a moment, and she tried not to. She really did. “Those are pretty.” She glanced at Luce, their eyes meeting briefly before she looked away. Despite the sting of the antiseptic, the discomfort of the bandages, the warmth still felt stupidly nice. “I-- Yeah, of course. Of course.” God, what was she supposed to say that wouldn’t be stepping over some boundary that she couldn’t even see? Sometimes, she never knew if she was saying too much or too little.

“Hey, at least it’s something,” Good, “that’s… I dunno, productive?” Luce said with a shrug as she began to cut through the gauze with the pair of scissors in the first aid kit. “At least you know where you stand with people when you can sense their emotions, right?” She asked, not at all sure how it worked. Then again, she didn’t really expect Nadia to have an answer for her either-- if someone asked her how her magic work, Luce would be hard pressed to explain it to them. As Luce finished securing the bandages, Nadia’s fingers skimmed over the skin of her arm, barely touching the snakes and flowers that covered her arm. “Thanks.” She said with a slight hint of a smile. Tossing the used gauze into the trash, Luce paused for a moment. A part of her wanted to ask Nadia what... they were doing. But, Nadia had enough going on. She didn’t need to deal with more bullshit on top of what she’d already been going through. And, there was an even larger part of her that didn’t want to question it, didn’t want to ask about what this situation was. So instead, Luce asked, “How’s it feel now?”

“Sometimes,” Nadia muttered. “I’d probably be a bit better if I hadn’t, like, denied that it was a thing for the first twenty-one… twenty-seven years of my life.” Though, she’d always known how to get herself out of confrontations, when she’d applied herself. She’d also known how to get herself into confrontations, always knowing what to do to rile up her parents. She shouldn’t have done that. “Knowing how a person’s feeling changes from moment to moment, you know? And sometimes I can’t separate myself from everyone else.” As Luce finished, Nadia allowed herself to give the woman’s arm a slight squeeze before she dropped her hand. Luce felt like hesitation and hesitation and hesitation. Hesitation about what? Nadia ran her good hand through her hair and waited for Luce to come back. She gave the other woman a smile. “Feels brand new. I could, like, run a marathon or some shit, I feel so good.” Of course, she shifted a bit and ended up wincing as she moved too much and ended up pulling something. “Maybe not run. Maybe just walk a marathon.”

“Fair enough. But, you’re still here, right? That means you’ve still got time to figure out how to use your… touchy feely empathy powers.” Luce said with a grin that didn’t come quite as easily as she wanted it to. “Hm, I guess that makes sense. I don’t know anything about this sort of thing, so I’m… pretty useless as far as help goes. But, thanks. For explaining about it. I figured that it was something you didn’t go around telling people about in general so… yeah, just thanks.” She said, feeling unbelievably lame for how she sounded. She wanted to tell Nadia about how fucking scared she’d been when the other woman was gone. She wanted to tell her how hard she’d tried to figure out what was going on. But that would also mean explaining why she hadn’t done more. Why she’d fucked off to Boston. Why she’d backed off when Cordelia had threatened her. And it would mean questioning why she’d felt all of those things. And Nadia didn’t need to deal with that shit right now.

But hadn’t that been her exact thought with Remmy, when they were going through things? Luce had given too little too late, had opened up when there was already a huge divide between them. And maybe if she’d stopped hesitating, if she’d just said something… things would have been different. Packing up the first aid kit, Luce returned to Nadia and offered a nod. “Yeah, don’t go walking any marathons either. But, uh... “ She kicked herself mentally again before sighing, “I know you’re going through a lot right now. So if there’s anything else I can do to help while you’re healing up, let me know.” She said. It was the best she could do right now. She was still a coward, through and through. But she didn’t want to lose Nadia too, not when she’d just gotten her back.

“Yep, still kicking, despite the numerous attempts to the contrary, lately,” Nadia said. She shrugged, slightly. “You’re, you know, entitled to an explanation. I mean, since she’d already told you. I didn’t want-- I didn’t want you to think that I just pried into your emotions all the time.” And she didn’t. She didn’t, she tried really hard not to. She just really, really didn’t want to do that. It was easier to deal with other people’s emotions, sure, but it wasn’t right. If she could figure out how to turn it off and still not deal with her own shit, she fucking would. While Luce was busy with the first aid kit, Nadia shrugged on her cardigan, not feeling like bothering with the shirt again. She didn’t try to untangle her own and Luce’s mess of feelings; there just wasn’t a fucking point, she believed. Nadia shoved her good hand a pocket and looked down. “Right, yeah, no marathons. I can probably manage that.” She looked up, biting the inside of her cheek. “I’m fine, though, seriously. Totally healing fine.” Rhiannon knocked something off the counter, and Nadia flinched. “I-- Yeah. I mean, like, the cat’s gotten used to you,” and I kind of like you, “and I’m sure she’d miss having you around, so you can, you know, stop by. Whenever. Maybe give me a heads up so I don’t look like shit.”

“It’s cool, really.” Luce said, shrugging as she leaned awkwardly against the wall of Nadia’s apartment. “The way I see it, if you’ve dealt with everything I’ve felt and you still wanted to see me at all… I don’t know, I feel like that’s a good enough explanation for me.” Nadia had seen her when she was still reeling from grief over Bea’s death, she’d been there when Luce was still confused over her situation with Remmy, she’d felt so much. Guiltily, Luce shook her head. “Honesty, I feel like I owe you more of an explanation for some of the shit you’ve had to feel.” She said, thinking back to the scars on her neck and chest. Nadia had never even seen them, had she? If that bitch Cordelia had been in her body since before the tears, she wouldn't have known about everything Luce had been through. The sound of something clattering to the floor made Luce jump, just as startled as Nadia. At the other woman’s words, Luce nodded as she walked to the door. “Yeah. I can do that.” She said, a ghost of her typical easy grin returning as she leaned against the doorframe. “It’s… good to have you back.” I missed you. Luce managed before jerking a thumb over her shoulder. “I should head out. And you should get some rest.”

“You don’t owe me an explanation,” Nadia said as quickly as she could. “You don’t, not for anything. No one should have to explain their emotions to another person. I know that better than anyone.” It didn’t matter, not really, all the things that Luce had felt, all the questions they had left Nadia with. That wasn’t her business. Luce didn’t owe her anything at all. That didn’t stop Nadia from wanting to know. God, she wanted to know. She wanted to be told things, but not because Luce felt like she owed her. She wrapped her arms around herself. “It’s good to be back,” she said, quietly, and it was. It was good to be back. It was strange to be back, but so, so good. Please stay, she wanted to say. Please don’t leave. I don’t want to be alone. Instead, she said, “Yeah, no, totally. I’ll see you around?” She gave Luce a smile. It was good, really, that she felt other people’s emotions and not the other way around. Luce didn’t need to feel this, this stupid desire to be around her that Nadia didn’t even properly understand. It was better when she just kept her feelings to herself.

[theoptomisticoutlook]

After a long couple weeks of binge eating haagen-daz ice cream & watching all my comfort shows up to date i've found peace. I've learned a lot about myself & my life & especially how I act and feel in regards to love. Love has been a top topic in my life for a while now. Ever since I lost 60 pounds back in July of 2020 my whole life has changed, especially surrounding love in my life & how I feel about love. In the beginning prior to this time, romantic love was not even a consideration in my life. I had to lose weight to gain even a sliver of that life experience. So once a drastic weight loss occurred, there was a drastic increase in that life experience. At my big ole age of 19, it was the first time I was experiencing anything with guys or in “love”. I was very naive in this topic & lacked tons of experience. Yet it didn't help that my whole life I craved attention from men in order to feel validated in my beauty. So just as it was for many people in high school, I was dibbling & dabbling in this experience but out in the real world. I loved the attention, loved having & entertaining so many guys of all sorts. I was thriving off this experience, & not to mention how inflated my ego got from getting everyone I wanted to all the compliments I received everywhere I went. Of course through this, I got “heart broken”. Twice actually. Well make it thrice to this present day. But it wasn't until the 2nd heartbreak that it really took that I had no idea how to navigate myself in love. I had no idea how deeply I feared commitment or how emotionally unavailable I really was. I had no idea how much of an influence my childhood trauma was intruding in my actions & mindset to love. After that 2nd time, which permanently ended the day of my birthday, I decided I was going to heal. I out loud told myself I was going to heal & I was going to learn how to love in a healthy way & only accept healthy love. Not this bare minimum idealized situationship love social media has praised & normalized. As a collective society we have normalized toxicity as cute & acting in ways of unhealed trauma only causing others more trauma as okay. I spent about 3-5 months “healing” & getting over someone who should have never had access to me form the get go. Now, I can proudly say I have definitely grown & healed lots of my childhood trauma. I know my worth & I stand firmly on my foundation of self love. I have standards now. I love who I've been able to become in such a short amount of time & this girl, standing next to the girl I was at the start of the year doesn't compare. Both equally as beautiful externally, but on the inside one has found her soul, aspirations, & drive & the other was still gaining life experience. I knew I really grew with how I reacted to this 3rd heartbreak. The 2nd one I'll admit shocked me into probably one of the saddest times of my whole life, not even exaggerating. I would cry everyday for weeks, I stopped talking to everyone I knew, & I was destroying my body at the gym sometimes even twice a day. I wasn't eating enough & I was high almost everyday from the morning to night. An incredibly horrible time in my life. But I'm grateful for that experience because eventually I made it out of that hole & I made it out better than ever before. It's why when this 3rd time occurred I knew I would never allow myself to fall back into that dark of a pit of sadness, I knew I would never allow another person have that much power over my life. I also knew I'd be okay eventually because of what I had gone though & I choose that reality of being okay. No matter how I felt on a certain day, one thing's for certain that I'd be okay. So here I am 3ish weeks later so awakened to myself & better than ever. A process that in the past took me over 3 months, down to a couple weeks. That in itself is growth & improvement. It's the realization of what's meant for you will not pass you by. Do not beg or compete for anyone's love no matter how special they are because you are just as special if not more, it's your reality so of course your the best person to exist. A person who loves you shows you & doesn't make you question their love for you. There's no what ifs or maybes because in genuine love there is only certainty & reassurance. Don't allow the idea of someone's potential to keep you strung along when you can tap into your very own potential. & unfortunately they'll just have to catch up when that day comes when they so call “evolve” but don't you dare remain stagnant in your life for that moment to come. Here's the thing too though, if you love someone for who they can become & do decide to stay, you yourself do not understand love. Love isn't “potential”, attachment, control, or obsession. Love is truth, acceptance, & unconditional. Love is pure & blissful, not complicated & confusing. Love is Love. It's why once I understood what love meant to me & how I want to be loved is when I was able to move on without even the desire of turning back. The way I love is pure, straight from my heart so that is the love I will accept. Only the best because I know I am serving the best. I know I show up as my best self & I show love in the best ways I know how & that's authentic & open. So that is the love I demand to receive & if it isn't that than why do I want it. I love myself therefore the monster of “loneliness” won't win here. I love myself so I know there is better out there & my person is out there because clearly they're not for me if they're passing me by. I love myself, so I will only allow a love of my standard & capacity to be accepted in my reality. I don't need to love someone else & I definitely don't lack love in my life, so I no longer fight or allow a bare minimum love in my reality. All that does for me is add burden & baggage on my journey to accomplishing my dreams. Something or someone holding me back in any sort of of way, even emotionally, is not for me. Its like trying to fit a square toy in a triangle hole. It does not fit even if the both are shapes, this is not the right one no matter how many times I try, complain, or question why. The sooner I put the square down & and find my triangle, the sooner the pieces will fit perfectly & effortlessly. Just how I want a love that's for me to fit into my reality. 

[timelordthirteen]

The Bartender - Part 10/10 (complete!)

Mr. Gold/Belle French, Rumplestiltskin/Lacey, G

Summary: Originally a prompt fill for an Anon on Tumblr who asked for Bartender AU. Now a Dark Lace cursed AU.

Chapter Summary: In the Enchanted Forest, Rumple and Lacey make a quick journey and prepare for the oncoming curse. In Storybrooke, Belle gets a late night visit from Gold and some magic happens...

Notes: The end. :) This chapter is a lot longer than the others, but I had a lot I wanted to do. Thank you for sticking with this fic as it evolved from a little one-shot into something much more. I'm open to further prompts and asks in this verse if there is anything of their story you'd like to see, both past, present, and future.

[AO3] [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9] [Part 10]

The view must have been impressive once upon a time.

A series of lush green hills rolled down into a fertile valley, dotted with the remains of houses and buildings, and divided by crumbled lines of stone walls between the fields. A river curved through the landscape, and in the middle, where two dirt roads came together, were the ruins of a modest castle. The center structure, two towers, and the inner wall were still mostly intact.

Rumplestiltskin glanced to the side and frowned. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Lacey sighed and reached for his hand, giving it a firm squeeze before she spoke. “I have to.”

A swirl of purple smoke enveloped them, and her breath caught. When it dissipated, they were standing at the outer gate of the castle. The portcullis was still standing, though the stone wall had collapsed on either side of it, and her body shivered as they passed beneath it. Many times she’d made this same journey, between the town and the castle, passing under the gate and waving up at the guards, but this would be the last.

They picked their way through the structure, with the assistance of magic to reinforce the stairs and what was left of the roof. Down a long corridor at the east end of the castle, lined with dusty paintings and portraits, they came to a series of rooms belonging to her mother, Colette.

Lacey stood outside the arched double doors, her hand pressed to the wood, as Rumplestiltskin stood beside her.

“Why don’t you tell me what you are looking for?” he asked, resting a hand at the small of her back. “Let me retrieve it, sweetheart. I can use my magic, or -”

“No,” she said, softly but firmly, and shook her head. “I need to do this. Alone.”

He frowned, but stepped back as she pushed open the doors. Through the gap, he could see the once luxurious room that had belonged to the Duchess. Royal blue curtains, trimmed in gold hung on either side of the windows, and fine silk linens in cream were piled on the bed. He smiled crookedly. Those were the same colors Lacey had chosen for her room when he brought her back to the Dark Castle, and he wished he’d asked her more about her past, about her life before the rough tavern in which he found her.

Several minutes passed, and he grew nervous. They were exposed out here in the Marchlands, too far from his castle. As he was about to enter the chambers to see what she was up to, the doors parted, and Lacey stepped through. She looked up at him with her right hand pressed to her chest, her eyes puffy and tinged red, and gave him a wobbly smile.

“Did you...find what you needed?” Rumplestiltskin asked softly, stepping forward to hold her, cupping her bent elbows in his hands.

Lacey nodded as she blew out a breath, and lowered her hand, revealing a short necklace with a fine gold chain and a single teardrop shaped pearl. let his gaze drift down to the simple yet elegant jewelry, sitting just below the notch of her collarbone. He raised a hand and touched his fingertip to the smooth pearl, trailing over it and then down to her fair skin.

“Your mother’s?” he asked, meeting her eyes.

“Yes.” She swallowed, wondering if he would be angry she had made him travel all this way for a necklace.

“Good.” His voice and his face were soft, almost reverent as he reached up to cup her cheek. He brushed a thumb over the faint track left by the salt of her tears. “Ready to go?”

She smiled and nodded. “Thank you.”

Belle breezed passed Gold’s spot at the end of the bar, snatching a fry from his plate and dragging it through the ketchup on the edge before sliding it in her mouth. He looked up and gave her an exaggerated frown as she bit down on the warm, crispy potato. Her eyebrows lifted, and he shook his head.

The last few weeks had been like old times.

He came to the Rabbit Hole most nights and had a drink, or sometimes a burger and fries. She would chat with him in between drinks and washing and bussing tables. It was slow going, though he felt like things were significantly improved from their failed date. Going back to how he’d behaved towards her before he woke up seemed to have done the trick in getting back into Belle’s good graces, but waking up his True Love was another matter.

The curse was persistent in spite of what seemed like growing affection between them. Every time he pushed for more, offered to buy her lunch, spun her around the dance floor, she would inevitably back away. There was something unsettled within her, he could see it every time she made a flimsy excuse for why she couldn’t sit and have a burger or a drink with him. Her words would stutter and she would frown as if her head were throbbing with a headache.

It was frustrating, but at least he was able to be present in her life. He found out that Garrett - or rather Gaston - was one of Regina’s secret henchmen. He had been sent to the Rabbit Hole to harass Belle, but so long as Rumplestiltskin was present at the bar, Gaston had made himself scarce. Regina was upping her game, and that meant one of two things; the end of the curse was drawing near and she was panicking, or she was preparing to reassert her control.

Rumple feared it was the latter.

Ten hours after her shift started, Belle dropped the dirty rag in the sink behind the bar, and exhaled, leaning forward on the bar as she rolled her neck. She rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand, catching a drip of sweat before it could run into her eye and sting. Her feet hurt and she felt disgusting head to toe. Her blouse smelled like spilled beer, and there was a streak of mustard on her jeans from where she’d wiped off her fingers after serving a round of burgers to Leroy and his friends. It had been another busy Friday night, and nearly every glass in the place needed to be washed before she could go home. Her hands were already dry and raw and she hadn’t even started.

Garrett hadn’t been in since Gold chased him off, for which she was very grateful. There were more people coming for happy hour after work, or to hang out on Friday nights. Billy from the auto body place had started a band with some of his friends, and they played for a rather boisterous crowd the previous weekend. Overall, the place seemed to have a bit more class when Gold was around, and by extension, Belle’s tip jar did as well.

Music started up from the jukebox by the pool tables, and she looked up.

Gold turned around, smiling, and started to make his way back to her. She shook her head when she realized what song he’d chosen, and blew air up through the fringe of hair that had fallen loose over her forehead. He crossed the room to stand in the middle of the open space that served as a dance floor, while she watched, her lips twitching and curving in spite of the aches and fatigue in her body.

“Are you going to join me?” he asked. “It’s our song.”

She rolled her eyes and came out from behind the bar. “I have all this to finish up before I can close.”

Gold shrugged one arm and then set his cane to side, leaning it against one of the tables. “I’ll take care of it.”

Her look was dubious as she took his hand, letting him spin her around before pulling her close. She rested her arm against his shoulder, as his went around her waist.

“I’m sweaty and gross,” she said as they started to move. “I’ll get your suit all dirty.”

He looked down at her, smirking. “For you, I don’t care.”

She smiled as they swayed with music. The lights glowed strangely around them, and everything had a hazy, blurry quality to it. He stepped back and spun her again, out and back in, his hand coming to lay where her blouse dipped low, touching her bare back. Something flashed through her mind, the sensation of his hands on her body, and the smell of a crackling fire.

Belle shook her head and chided herself. Just because things were better with her and Gold, didn’t mean anything. In fact, aside from their renewed friendship, and the slight increase in her take home pay, nothing had really changed. It was like everything reset to where it had been a few months ago, like nothing in the interim had happened. An odd feeling of deja vu lingered with her every time she left the bar, like she was hitting the rewind button and instead of moving forward all she was doing was living the same day over and over again.

She didn’t know why she was even staying in Storybrooke anymore. There were tons of small towns and dive bars on the East Coast, diners and resorts too. Maybe it was time to move on and try her luck elsewhere.

“Penny for your thoughts,” came Gold’s voice.

The music was winding down, and she sighed. “You ever feel like you’re just treading water and never getting anywhere?”

He stopped moving and pulled back, his brow knit as he looked down at her. It was common for those cursed for long periods of time to have such a feeling. Gold had it for all those years, the sensation of being stagnant and trapped. It was why he lashed out and toyed with people, why he was so cruel to many who didn’t deserve it.

Rumple knew he was taking a risk in dancing with her, hoping it would lead to a shift in their relationship, and it was possible the curse was once again fighting his progress. “Sometimes, why?”

“It’s just -” She shrugged. “I don’t know. This place, this town...it makes me feel trapped, and -”

Belle pulled away and ran her hand over her hair, trying to smooth it back into place. Her head had started to hurt and she was too tired to keep dancing. “I’m not making sense, I’m sorry. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

He took hold of his cane and stepped closer, reaching for her arm. “What are you saying?”

She took a breath and exhaled. “I’m saying I think - I think I should go.”

He startled a bit and frowned. “Go?”

“Leave.” She backed away again, shaking off his touch and folding her arms over her chest. “Storybrooke.”

His eyes went wide. The curse would never let her leave. If she tried it would rebel and the consequences could be dire. “No. Y-you you - you can’t. Belle -”

She let him take her by the arm again, easing her close. Her throat felt tight and she swallowed hard, squeezing her eyes shut as a sharp ache welled up in her chest. He didn’t want her to leave, and that felt even more confusing. Why would he care?

She felt him pull her to him, and her hands came up to rest on the lapels of his suit. “I don’t know what to do,” she mumbled. “Things are so...fuzzy.”

“Hey.” His voice was soft and low, and he grazed his knuckles over her cheek and along her jaw. Her lips parted at his tender touch, and he let his thumb brush her bottom lip. “They’ve never been clearer for me.”

Belle gasped as his lips pressed to hers. She felt dizzy and warm, like the room was spinning, and her head was strangely heavy. The kiss lingered, soft, but with a need and desire behind it that made her pull at his suit jacket, fisting the expensive fabric in her hands. Her mouth opened, and she caught the faintest taste of him and the sharp heat of scotch. Another image flashed in her mind, a castle in the springtime, fresh roses, and a rolling, thunderous black cloud coming towards her.

Rumplestiltskin broke the kiss. His lips were tingling, his vision danced with flecks of gold, and he blinked hard. She was looking up at him, her eyes bright and blue and clear, her mouth curved in a way he hadn’t seen in some time, and his heart leapt.

But then her face fell, and she frowned, pushing against his chest. “I - I need to close up,” she said, rubbing at her temple and shaking her head.

He bit back a sigh and forced a smile. Something had nudged the curse, but then it settled in, firm as ever. They’d be fortunate if there wasn’t a backlash of some kind, something driving them apart or pushing her to try to leave town. His eyes drifted down to her neck, and the single pearl that hung beneath it.

She swallowed and he watched the motion of her throat, the way it made the pearl roll and bob. He raised a hand and touched it, and then stepped away.

“Yes,” he agreed. “I think it’s time for me to go.”

Rumplestiltskin tugged his cloak tighter around him, fiddling with the row of silver clasps that held it closed over his chest.

The horizon was still dark and hazy, though the sun was barely beginning to rise. The day would be gray and overcast, and he could smell rain in the air. It matched his mood perfectly. Today he would put himself in a position to be captured for the first time since taking on the curse of the Dark One. He would lose his freedom, and the thought twisted in his belly, making his stomach roil. His eyes closed and he took a slow, deep breath to calm himself. It was all for Baelfire.

And now Lacey as well.

A pair of slender hands and arms came around him from behind, giving him a tight squeeze. He put his hand over Lacey’s and then pulled her around to stand in front of him.

“You’re sure this is the only way?” she asked for at least the tenth time in the last day.

She was not fond of his plan, and had been worrying since he told her what would need to be done. The whole thing rested on him being able to taunt Regina into casting the curse, feeding her insecurities and anger at the world. It felt cruel, and she was surprised to find herself sympathetic to the Evil Queen in spite of everything she’d done to the people of the Enchanted Forest.

Rumple nodded and ran his hands up and down her arms. “I’m sure.”

She shook her head and turned, leaning her body against him while she looked out at the horizon. His heart beat steadily against her ear and the movement of his chest as he breathed soothed her the same as it did when they laid in bed together.

“Did you do as I asked?”

She nodded without lifting her head. “Of course.”

He licked his lips, picking at the laces on the back of her corset. “And it - it’s safe?”

“Yes.” Lacey twisted and looked up at him, her mouth curved in a half smile. “You know I wouldn’t let anything happen to it.”

He had given her his dagger to hide, somewhere she would know to look for it, but that he wouldn’t. He didn’t want Regina or anyone else to use it against him.

Rumplestiltskin nodded again and shifted his gaze back to the horizon. He could see a small portion of the future, the rolling, black cloud as it enveloped the land, the people huddling together in fear. His lips pressed together as a wave of nausea welled up in him, and he dropped his head to press a kiss to Lacey’s hair, breathing her in one last time.

“I know,” he said softly. “I - I trust you.”

She pulled back and turned to face him, her hands sliding up the thick velvet cloak to play in the soft, wavy strands of his hair. It was the first time he’d said such a thing, and it helped alleviate the unsettled, tight sensation that had plagued her the last few days. He looked down at her, his strange eyes wide and soft, green-gold skin sparkling in the firelight behind him, and an emotion she’d been fighting for months overwhelmed her.

“I love you.”

The words were not what he expected, not from her or anyone else. Perhaps not even from his son after so many years of being lost in another world. But they hit with the force of a thunderbolt. Three hundred years of searching for a way to reach his boy, and he was finally so very close. The only thing that had ever made him want to waver from that path was Lacey. He’d known what he felt for her was love for quite some time, but he never dreamed she’d feel the same. In this moment, he knew he would tear apart the world for her too.

He pressed his lips tight as hot, stinging tears filled his vision. “I - I love you too.”

He grabbed her and held her against him, kissing her hard and pushing her against the stone wall next to the window. Her hands pulled at him, desperation in their movements, and he wished he could stay with her until the end. Something sparked between them, warm and glowing, and he felt the curse slipping away. He pushed her back and staggered on his feet, catching himself on the edge of her dressing table.

Lacey’s eyes were wide, her face a mix of confusion and fear. “What - was that?”

Rumple shook his head and touched his fingers to his lips where they still burned. He held his hand out in front of him, relieved to see the scaly skin. The curse rushed back into his mind and he winced at the intensity of the screams as the voices of all the Dark Ones before him rebelled.

“Magic,” he managed.

She closed the distance between them in three quick strides and reached for him, pulling him down to kiss him again. The same sensation returned immediately, and a beat later, she let him move away.

He knew then what it was. “True Love’s Kiss.”

She smiled and came to him, touching him cautiously as though the smallest brush of her fingers could break his curse and strip him of his power.

“True Love,” she repeated, staring at the knot of silk at his throat.

Then her gaze lifted and met his, and he gave her a small, wobbly smile. “Yes.” He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it, then leaned in and pressed his lips to her forehead.

When he pulled away, he let his hand drop to her chest, touching the pearl at her throat. “When it comes,” he said, “remember what I told you. You’ll be safe, I promise. My deal with Regina extends to you as well. We’ll both be kept safe until the Savior comes.”

Lacey nodded and reached up to hold his hand, keeping it where it was, but pressing its warmth to her skin. Tears trickled down her cheeks as she blinked. “Be careful. I love you.”

Rumplestiltskin took a slow breath and cupped her face with both hands, brushing the streaks away and pulling her close one last time, resting his head against hers. “I love you too.”

She watched him step back, taking a moment to adjust his cloak and square his shoulders, looking every inch the Dark One. A familiar swirl of purple smoke came up around him, his lips mouthing the words at her again before he disappeared. Her hand shot out to grab the edge of the mahogany dresser as the other pressed to her mouth, catching the first cry. Everything blurred as her legs wobbled, and she dropped to her knees, grunting at the impact on the stone floor. Sobs wracked her body. She bent forward, curling in on herself, as her hand wrapped around the pearl pendant.

Her trust in Rumpelstiltskin was absolute. It would have been unthinkable when she first arrived in his castle, but he had always kept his promises with her. Indeed, despite what others wanted to believe, he was a man of his word. Just because many didn’t like his words, or the deals he made with them, didn’t mean he wasn’t holding to the letter of them. He had said he would make a deal with Regina, the final components for the curse in exchange for their safety. They wouldn’t be together, but that would come when the Savior broke the curse.

At least she hoped it would. Anything could happen now, but she trusted that Rumple would always come for her, always protect her, and now, always love her. She would cling to that knowledge to the bitter end.

Her mother’s last words echoed in her head “do the brave thing.”

Rumplestiltskin pushed through the door of the Rabbit Hole and stepped out into the cool, spring rain.

His chest was tight and he closed his eyes, fighting back the sobbing scream in his throat. The kiss hadn’t worked. For a moment it seemed like it had and Lacey’s eyes were looking up at him, but then it faded and Belle was back. He wanted to hit something, to swing his cane and crack the glass on the nearest car window or the side of Keith Nottingham’s skull. At the curb, he stopped and took a breath, leaning heavily on his cane. Frustration was making him angry, and anger would cause him to make mistakes. Regina was growing suspicious, and he couldn’t afford to expose himself yet. But he needed Lacey. She was the key to all of his plans. He needed her fierce determination, her love, and her unwavering support. It all kept him from getting too desperate, too anxious, exactly as he was feeling now. And she was the only one who knew where his dagger was hidden. He'd looked everywhere that he could think of and the thought of it falling into someone else's hands, into Regina's hands, made his skin crawl.

There was a small bit of magic he’d been saving in case of emergency, and he was starting to think this might be such an occasion. He would need to do a little research, but he suspected he could make a memory potion that might be enough to push the curse away for good. If he could poke one good hole in the cloud covering her mind, the inner strength that had helped her survive the fall of her homeland and all these years on her own, would come to the surface.

The door to the bar opened and closed again, and he heard the sound of heels clicking on the pavement.

“Wait.”

“It’s late,” he replied. “I have to get home.”

He continued walking, stepping off the curb and crossing the street, determined to get back to his shop and start work on the potion and keep his plan moving. How he would get her to take it remained to be seen, but that was another bridge he would find a way to cross. He had to. He needed her by his side, now and when he went to look for Baelfire, and he needed the dagger to protect them both from Regina.

“Rumplestiltskin, wait.”

He froze. The sound of his name in her old, familiar accent was almost too much to bear. Turning, he saw her standing in the glow of the street lamp, watching him with uncertainty. The light sprinkling of rain glittered in the air around her, and he swallowed hard at the vision she made, still the most beautiful women he’d ever seen.

“I remember,” she said, taking a cautious step towards him.

He looked so different from the scaly Dark One she’d watched disappear in a puff of magic, towards a curse and an uncertain future, but she could still see the man she loved in this strange-but-familiar new face. The bump on his nose was the same. His crooked, knowing smile, his soft hair she longed to slide her fingers into, and the way his suits fit him as perfectly as his silk and leather, it was all the same.

They met in the middle of the street, unconcerned for any traffic at this early morning hour, smiling and nervous, but reaching for each other as if they couldn’t quite believe the other was real. A beat later, Lacey launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around him and holding tight.

She tucked her face in the crook of his neck and breathed him in. He still smelled the same, earthy and sweet, and felt the same when he was pressed against her. She grinned. “I love you.”

His free arm came around her and held her close as her soft curls tickled his nose. “Yes, and I love you too.”

After a long moment, they pulled apart, their hands still searching and touching as they saw each other for what felt like the first time again.

“I thought it didn’t work,” he said, breathless and dazed. “I thought - I thought I’d have to find another way to wake you.”

Lacey shook her head. “It didn’t. But you were walking away from me, leaving me, and I couldn’t bear it, not again. I didn’t know why, so I went after you and when I walked outside it...all came back.”

She fingered her necklace with her hand, a single teardrop pearl on a gold chain, and he smiled. “Your necklace.”

She frowned and looked down. “What about it?”

“That was the last thing we did, before I left to get myself get thrown in a dungeon,” he recalled. “We went back to Avonlea for your necklace.”

She blinked as tears started to well up. “My mother’s necklace.”

Rumple nodded. “You must have been holding it when the curse came, focused on it and thought of her?” At her soft yes, he smiled. “It became a talisman for you, and when I touched it after I kissed you, just as I did the day I left, it - it must have broken the curse.”

She fell against him, her arms going inside his suit jacket to squeeze him tight. “I missed you.”

“And I you.” He kissed the top of her head. “But, hey, there’ll be time for that. There’ll be time for everything.”

Lacey pulled back and slid her hand up his chest to touch the collar of his dress shirt. Even in this world her Dark One was impeccably dressed and incredibly sexy. She didn’t know how long they had been living this life, how long she had worked in that crappy bar, going home to a sad little apartment while her True Love was so close by. How long had they been flirting over scotch and stolen fries? How many times had they danced in the middle of an empty bar? How often had there been an almost kiss, an almost moment that could have awakened them?

“Everything?” she asked, licking her lips slowly.

The curse might not be lifted for everyone, but it was for them and she wasn’t going to be parted from him any longer. How ever long the curse had lasted, was too long for both of them, and the list of things she wanted to do to him was too long as well.

Rumple’s eyes followed the motion of her mouth and felt his body flush with heat. “Oh, yes,” he replied, and bent to capture her lips in a fierce and very overdue kiss.

A block down and across the street, Emma Swan pulled a face. She’d been on her way back to the loft she was sharing with Mary Margaret after a late night at the sheriff’s office, when she saw two people standing in the street. Her instincts kicked in and she ducked into the shadows, watching to see what might happened.

She had expected any number of things from fighting and screaming to gun shots, but what she hadn’t anticipated was Mr. Gold and the bartender from the Rabbit Hole making out in the rain in the middle of Main Street like the ending to a romcom. Shaking her head, she shoved her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket and turned to head home.

Storybrooke was a very strange town.

[namaslay28]

“What is going right in my life?”

Ahh, it’s been a while since i’ve had a moment to myself in which I can actually take time to focus on my writing challenge. Not that busy is a bad thing, it’s quite the opposite if I’m honest. i’ve always felt as though being busy is a confirmation that I’m slowly making my way towards my goals. However, I wouldn’t mind an extra few hours of sleep. Anyways, as of right now I have to say there are several things that I feel are going right in my life. A few things in particular would be my babygirl and her health, the start of my new job and my overall health both physically and mentally. 

I can say that it’s been a while that I’ve felt happy in just about all the areas in my life so, finally being in such a place is almost a foreign concept. But, here I am. It’s hard to believe that you’ll reach such a point when life seems to throw an obstacle of sorts in your direction at any sign of happiness. We work so hard and it’s so easy to get stuck in a place where we feel like things will never get better and that the struggle will always exist. Like, what is life where it doesn’t? I’m here to say it’s possible and even if it’s for a brief moment in time or a more permanent situation, it’s very achievable and it’s waiting at the end of whatever your personal tunnel may be. You just can’t give up or stop making your way through it. 

I’m grateful for the things in my life that are priceless. The laughter and the joy that it all brings me is incredible. Last week we celebrated Nubia’s first birthday. I felt so overwhelmed with so many emotions it was insanity. It’s crazy to look back at pictures or videos I have from when she was still growing inside of me and to then look up at her walking around babbling and laughing. It’s just so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that she’s growing so quickly but, I am so grateful for it. Her happiness and her growth reassures me that I’m doing my very best even though sometimes I have my doubts. This whole motherhood thing is new to me so it’s not something that I have a ton of confidence built up about just yet but, i’m proud that we’ve made it this far and I am so looking forward to watching her continue to grow into her own little person. 

Last week was also the start of my new job. I went in feeling nervous because I’ve been so used to doing the same thing for so many years now so, I felt the familiar anxiety that almost always accompanies change. Once I got past those first day jitters, I felt this sense of confidence rush back to me. I felt like I was finally doing something that was more than just a way of paying bills, it’s literally giving me a foot in the door for my career. It feels so good to be doing something that’s following my actual career path and it’s giving me even more motivation to thrive and work towards my degree and not to become stagnant in the process again.

These things have worked in a trickle effect to fulfill me in so many other ways. I feel like I finally have a grip on my mental health in the sense that I’m actually living every day with anticipation for whats to come. I’m excited to wake up in the mornings and go to work. i’m excited to come home and be with my baby. I’m just so overjoyed with what life is becoming for me and my family. That self love i’ve always been such an advocate for is reappearing in a much more brilliant way. I feel as though I’m coming back into myself and i’m loving every minute of it. 

[chanelmoon4]

june 27 2017

mms update on ppl stuff I guess. I rather not have my journals be about ppl but hey you can't avoid them. Like I said before hopefully ill have time to refer back to my past and talk about what has happen then because having children, being married, having a divorce and just changing my views about life is a lot and view important to me. Never really though I was a person tell all that happen to me. So grateful for it even though I wish it could have all been different

I had such a huge journal entry just stilling on my laptop then it had to freeze on me so ill try to cap up some things that have happen. It’s just not quite the same real calling memories after they have happened. When its fresh its the best. Then can tamper you emotions currently and make you type it different. Regardless it paints some kind of picture. 

Lets start with Jake because I just know I need him gone.. Still wish I could be fiends with him but ya you just gotta learn to stay away from people that ultimately bring you down. You can't change ppl and you should try to. He likes where he's at too much and I'm not going to try and open his mind to know things. I've already done what I can with him. But I guess that why you meet half the ppl you do you. You somehow help each other in big or small ways and be on you way when it’s all said and done. Sad, but the more it happens to you the more you just let it happen and appreciate what is.  I kept thinking we would naturally break off because he just always wanted to hang at his house sharing a room with his brother. But then his brother moved out and then it just became easier that way. It was cool but just still didn't help are stagnant communication. Half the time I just listen to the only things he knows and likes to talk about his fabricating work, car stuff and his x girlfriends being still about stuff not letting him see his sons. I like that he talks a lot actually but it was just so limited and so much opened up anger in him its just overwhelming. I can't blame him though both of the girls he has babies with complete crazies just not letting him see then just because there relationship went south. He works, he well doesn't drink anymore. Anyways those girls don't have room to talk because they have partied as well. Anyways lets get to the recent stiff. I hung out with him one night ya and this night we smoked. (Haven’t been doing anything like that but the opportunity arrived. my view about greens is wish washy I can live without it but its nice to have every blue moon. for now I'm going to keep it that way and I don't fee bad about it because its not controlling my life.) Then we got into this weird conversation about his x girlfriend with his kid Camille( uhhhhhhh and this is how me and Jake know each other from the past. actually embarrassing to say if I had to explain this to some one :( but she was one of my one and my best friend for a long time. there can be a whole book about her in my life but ill say one thing about her the try and make this shorter she is crazy. she. is. crazy! had a lot of boyfriends and kind what got me on a bad path. also went crazy on the end and had sex with my husband......... I didn't know tell about six months ago.... man I should do a journal entry about this but crap... k so ya anywise we broke off are friend ship around when link was one and haven't or will never talk to her sense) k! So ya Jake stated talking bout her and just problems and its awe all normal but then started saying g maybe she's only being crazy mean cause she still likes him and wants him to suffer rescue it dint work out and she has to live seeing him because they have a kid together now. Soooooo ya it got way weird and eventually I told him to stop and then rest of the night was weird. We have like a little text fight about it. Having him claim that it was about his son and that he was angry about that and all that. He somewhere inside would take that crazy girl back. Just the other day I was talking to ppl at work about relationships where this girl was talking about how her x would start talking bout other girls inform of her and how there were great or complicated. If your speaking about other ppl when your in a relationship then you mind isn't in the right spot and your setting yourself up to cheat. It’s been about 5 days we haven't even texted. Today he hit me up saying he was sorry and it was all about his some and trying to find a reason for her craziness. And I understand I would do the same in his position he is in just trying to figure out what’s going on in that crazy girls mind. I told him I need more space basically and left it as that. There’s more to all this but I'm summing up the best I can and without fixing all this grammar just to comfort myself about the five year old language I'm spitting out. (Quickly spitting out) I want space so we will see how long this last. He’s got anger problems so I know what he said wasn't meaningful. He wants to get back to kissing and such. Way over that. I could see me hanging out with him a time or to in the future before school starts but I really just need him to be gone. I hope I can be strong enough. 

Ok mmm next is Jordan. Noting with him ha. Just hung out another time exchanged book had some good talk and that was it. He’s moving to st George and saw him at the pool once with a chick.. So that was kind of weird. He said he had a lesbian friend so that could have been her. Regardless I still didn't have enough feelings to wanna keep up with him and he the same. Let just hope I get my books back some time this fall

k. Damn it I'm going to try and be super honest with this section even though I don’t want to be now cause I gave some stupid hint on twitter that I was going got put shit on twitter so now I'm constantly scared that he did find this tumbler and could just crush my sole. He could expose this to ppl. He could think I'm a freak. I just don't know and now its really kinda sucks. But oh well. Regardless you can get away from ppl really easily and never see then again. I hardly ever see him anyway ( yay ready to make mistakes) I'm not really sure where to start sense my normal entry gets deleted. But he went to Scotland. I think he had a snap post or two that were suggestive. (Could have been to anyone) one I think was hi going on in his jeep alone with a song from Taylor swift saying “all you had to do was stay and a snap f sunset. Idk whey I think something with a sunset. I think that one I'm overanalyzing. (you gotta remember to take things into account but not also over do it. synchronicity really is everywhere but sometimes ppl accidently say things not trying to be offensive but then people end up taking it that way, that’s a really bad destructive habit!... so usually I just try and look for synchronicity but only the good ones. if it can come off as bad I just try to disregard it for the most part. idk... sometimes I do take things that he's trying to tell me he doesn't like me and signs that he doesn't but with him its different clue I think he knows the game or whatever bull crap and is just trying to tell me in some way. who know idk idk  but anyways I love looking of the good signs in life and try not to get offensive less I feel its clear enough.. idk ) then shortly after sends a snap saying he's like on a lonely road by himself or something. I decided to respond and to invite him to this movie night thing with ppl from the pool and just said “don't make it too lonely.” then asked him to come to wonder women the next night. Surprisingly he said he could and that was good but a shocker. Just because I'm too chicken to ask him on that date date thing. I'm calling that night are date thing so it can be over with? :S soooooo weeewh there’s a lot I could say about the wonder women movies that was like super crazy synchronized with I guess a thingy we have? Like so much! It was awesome but god there’s something fucked up with me it was like hitting me in the face but yet I was not satisfied...!!! And if its still not making my bell completely ring I'm sure its not at all for him :///(I think I'm just angry I can just get alone time with I'm and don't know what’s going on) it was still way cool to see him. He tried bringing up this stuff about energy everywhere. 1 her want to talk more about it with me. 2 he's teasing me.idk. I wish I would have been more social with him but I have such a hard time singling jarred out for a long time with other people around us. It would just make it obvious and we were around work people. He coming back to work this fall and ya I just don't need people thinking I really like him. ( ah I hats saying that I like him. I like what I see and what might not completely mesh with him I still find so adorable..... I really really hope he thinks the same for me and not just a weird girl he can't avoid and doesn't want to be rude too. Sometimes I wish he would be just so I can really know. should be clear enough tho.. he's not talking to me lol oh well)  so it was kinda stupid to finally invite him to hang out and have it with people from work. At one point before we walked into the theater are eyes met form a distant and we both and the super anxious look on are face. It was great! He openly said “sorry texting my family in a group text” that was kinda random and kinda a sign that he's not seeing anyone but who knows. Right as we walked into the theater I have know idea fucking why but I said under my breath not even thinking about anything in particular and he was near me “man I'm no good at this” and he did say something back it was strange and I feet like Emily heard. He said something like “don't worry about or neither am I” gaaaaaaahhh! Fucking shisdkfjsldkfj ha idk so trying to fast forward. We sat next to eachother and I forgot how ackward it is to sit next to people or a ton of people for that matter. Made me so anxious especially because I love snuggling in a theater and more used to that if I ever go. He moved his hand a lot but not in one of those stupid obvious positions waiting to be held. I wanted to um feel his energy more sting next to him more but there were too many distractions to decipher. I had my hands crossed really like the whole time. Again we were next to everyone from work I just couldn’t let them find out! It was so great seeing so many things unfold in that movies that correlated to him and I though! There seemed to be a lot but I really am not going to go through the whole move about it. I'm just going to watch it again when it comes out on DVD. The movies ended we all ackwardly walked out I was tired as shit at the time cause it was past 12. Talked bout some stuff about it and all went home. 

 (I need more paragraphs. so here’s one lol.) I've never had so much synchronicity show up in a crush like this ever I just like gotta like just like idk know and just give what I can idk idk.mad but I've been so so salty lately like really I was hitting a low then. Work had made me way more aggressive then I've ever been I really hate it. I don't want to be an angry aggressive person or overly dominate. But I'm afraid my surroundings have made me so ://////// I'm trying not to think about that to much and just think that its good for me to practice this and that I've been excelling at it well. The things are all of it will change soon enough with school this fall. I know ill be focus on other things and it will just keep changed. Especially if I quit my job this fall or winter. So back to captain it up with Jared. I've been so less centered again and so I think I had this small/ big peak of scarification with that movie that quickly faded right after it. Usually if anything happens between us I'm like back to liking him call over again. This time I just got just more frustrated. Probably because it was all another wonderful fantasy and not something that happened in real life that I could say we both experienced. I. Just. Want. To make things happen between us so I can have clarity that we are going to be friends or try for something more or just clear cut no so I can get the hell was form the pool and focus a little better. I waaaant that. Fucking shit! This person just fucked my brain up from stuff from the past or something and it’s just so easy to get sucked back into it. So I just need to get closer to this man or remove myself completely. Trying not to get angry about it. But ya so far he's just being a floater boy when I need answers. But the more I push the more I know going to make the answer no. It probably is a no anyways. I'm sure I'm annoying. I used to be cooler trust me. I swear ppl around u influence you so much and when I was reading more not around crazies at the pool. idk.... oh and really think I shouldn't have done this because I'm sure it passed him off.... if he even checks. I deleted all my tweets and hoping to plan to not tweet any more. or for a really really long time. I'm level headed I am. This just weird thing going on its just hard to communicate things and just make it look like crazy move. Hope I didn't fuck it up. Also were being stupid and sent music snaps that made it look like I didn't give a crap. I'm so mean!!!!! Seriously been so salty. ugh :(

Still get on tinder occasionally. I get likes of really cute looking guys on there to match up with frankly. Lots of them are just too far away or I just get scared and do not want to take the work to get to know new ppl. Plus I just HATE texting people long distance or just having got to know you bull crap on it. I rather have people come into my life. I just end up taking to people a few times then ignore them tell it stops. Oh well. I sorta like it that way anyway but I'm still looking and that’s good I guess. I just focus on one person at a time. that just kinda my thing its hard to get attached to several men and i do not like doing that. thats not what my life is all about attracting as many as i can like that! 

gosh this was a lot and still not a lot i didn't ever get to say about what I've been learning lately in my books. not to mention i had a logged mediation finally. and holly shit i got soon much crap bit up in me its crazy. really you get keep up with that crap because you pick up negative crap from everywhere and hold in in you forever! i deeply feel if i can just get back to the real me things will work out better know matter what it is. I really need to find myself and be even more stable if anything in my life is going to go my way or if I'm going to be able to give myself to Jared/or any man. I really am quite a stable person, always have been. So it’s really frustrating for me to be stuck into something like this. Wish he could see that or that I could show him things that have helped me... but that’s only if you believe in that stuff. Or let you mind wander there enough to see truths in it.  Knowledge truly is power... and takes a lot of responsibility to keep it...

 Another things ill quickly say cause I've been spending way too much time on this one and I going over to my sisters tonight, 5 http has help me with my speech problem and is also a mood enhancer. I think I want stop taking it though because it’s like fix that seems like permanently but I'm more aggressive from it and almost more anxious... mother f. I probably should stop experimenting with things cause sometimes it really does backfire and isn't helpful but you know what if you don't try you will never know and there are so many things that I was scared to try or ppl would think is pointless/weird that ended up being awesome! The 5 http hasn't screwed with me that much but I learned form it and know it’s not a thing to take when your brain is already back to normal. Its thing to take if you actually are having depression had a car accident, addiction problems things like that. I took it and it seems to fix my problem but now its not helpful cause I back to normal and it’s overloading my brain.  Also I found that one way to clean your entry is to take a bath with sea salt and baking soda and ya i can't pretty much say it seem like its cleans out you aura layers. But you must go in the sun afterwards. Cause it will also deplete you. I did it this morning and really everything was just so clear.... but it was bad to go to work right after. I freake’n sucked everything up :((that like my biggest problem somehow I absorbs everything weather its good or bad. for me seems like I just need to say clear of things. man I'm just hurting myself so much. holding onto a guy that doesn't even have strong feelings for me touring myself staying in all these toxic environments waiting on a silly dream that I don't know if I want anymore or will want when it all comes down to it. ..... and for some reason I just keep doing it. sheesh it must be for some reason. just a little longer and this thing lingering behind me will be all gone or unraveled.

Holly crap this one is huge. Ill spell check it for now and re read it later. lol it will be interesting to see all the stagnant sentences I've created. 

[beanston-blog]

Dad

You know, sometimes we might be beside people for a long time and know their stories but you might not really know them. Like, I’ve heard so many of my dad’s stories but I didn’t really know him as a person, just as a “dad”.

Today he was telling me about his occupational history and what he did in his steel business. Apparently he was quite famous in the steel industry, dealing with the Swedish, Germans and Japanese people. Funny thing was, he never took a class in metallurgy (not even O level), but yet had university majors, steel industry leaders and CEOs come over to him for steel treatment because he developed a method that only he knew in the entire world (impressive O_O). Apparently one other thing was he pioneered another method that a different steel MNC copied and later then put it out into textbooks (and didn’t credit him). Haha i have to give props to him, he’s a genius. The crazy thing was, his company was just 2 small levels, a small Pte Ltd and not even an MNC - but yet was competing on an even foothold (or even better) than other global steel companies.

He told me that experience was what made the difference. When we learn about things, study about things, these are things that other pioneers found out and tell you. Knowledge does not equal the experiential know-how.

Secondly, he said it was undying questioning that pushed him that far. He would always ask why and he said he did not care if people were experts or not, because they use borrowed knowledge, not common-sense and logical reasoning. 

He didn’t say the third secret, but I observed this. My dad is inspiring in the way that he is extremely hardworking. According to my mum, he would wake up at 5am, start the company, then return home at 2am, sleep for 2 hours, then go back to sloughing it out. I feel grateful for his sacrifices and I certainly wouldn’t want to let his efforts go to waste.

I feel like even being a doctor and working 36 hours can’t be compared to him, when he works in the heat, burned his arms, injured his back, lose tons of sleep, carry heavy loads, and continues just because he had the family in mind.

He told me that another secret to life is to be like nature. Sometimes we require to be more like water. When a pebble drops into the ocean, it makes a bit of a ripple, but then it’s gone - just like that. Sometimes we require to be more like fire to get things across to people who have their fixed mindsets. Sometimes we require to be like wood, supporting others. Other times we are like metal axes, clamping down.

His life he led has been selfless - he gave his uneducated workers university-level pay (even though they still complained), he passed his savings for my siblings and I to further our pursuits in life, etc. My respect for him has only increased, though he can have some bad points, but don’t we all really. 

I noticed a tendency in some people to disrespect the old.

Old does not mean out-of-date. Neither does it mean that the new is superior to the old. It does not mean that high-tech trumps handiwork. Neither does it mean that newly accumulated knowledge trumps experience. We live in an era where the new quickly masks over the old and suppresses the wisdom of experience. As a result, our culture becomes stiffled and stagnant at a teenage level and never expands further to encompass the wisdom of the old.

As to me, I relearned a pretty important lesson. Sometimes, you might not actually know the people right under your nose.

For giving me such a comfortable life, such a loving environment to grow up in, I really don’t know how to repay him but just making him happy in small ways, and to show him that I can carry on his industriousness in my own pursuit in life. I love my dad.