namaslay28

[namaslay28]

Never take for granted you’re right to live in your truth. Don’t let the world scare you into a corner of submission or compromise because it is what makes them comfortable. What those people fail to realize is that you are the one who will have to live with being just a shell of your most honest self; that is your burden to bare and when all of those people have crawled back from where they came, you will be alone and would you rather be there feeling satisfied or not quite fulfilled? Your intentions do not have to be made clear to anyone because the decisions you make are not going to haunt anyone but you so, make the decisions that won’t come back to do that. We all have some form of regret that we’ve got to live with but, there isn’t any reason that this regret should be great enough to consume you and believe me, when you make decisions based on what other people think/feel, they will always be the ones that haunt you. If ever you should come across a person who makes you feel as though your happiness is not as important as their opinion, stay away from those people. 

When you wake up in the nights, or days, or weeks, or months or even years after you’ve made whatever decisions you’ve made, you will roll over to confront those things all on your own. There won’t be anyone to hold your hand and you won’t be able to go back and try it again. The only direction you will be able to move is forward and if you’ve let yourself be held back by what other people think, it will be hard as hell to break free of those chains. At some point you’ve got to realize that really living life requires courage and a confidence that can’t be shaken by the ignorance that you will most certainly be forced to encounter. People will always have something negative to say about what you are doing and it’s partly because they were suppressed at some point and misery thrives in company. 

[namaslay28]

Every time I think I’m ready to talk, to really get into detail about things, my voice runs for the hills. My mind hitches a ride with a passerby and my courage snoozes away like a cat in the sun.

I’m just not ready and, I don’t know if I’ll ever be. But everyday I wake up with the same intentions—to keep pushing towards that finish line. I know my story could be meaningful to someone out there who’s found themselves searching the Internet for words of encouragement but, I just can’t bring myself to put those words out there. I have no shame but rather, an awkward disposition. I guess it’s because I’m beginning to realize there are people who don’t have the most compassion who’ve been allowed to take seats at the table that is my heart. Somehow, I have to learn to just dispose of them before I can truly come to grips with everything. It’s for the best, anyway.

[namaslay28]

Patience is a Virtue

I woke up this morning feeling this tinge of regret; a tinge of regret that stemmed from my inability to have patience with your learning process. You’re only a year and a ½ so, outbursts and testing the waters is to be expected, this I know. You’re learning what is and isn’t okay all while trying to absorb the world around you and how it works. It’s truly fascinating to watch you experience life and the way your face lights up when you’re watching how different things connect; you’re learning the many different forms of cause and effect. I’m proud and so honored that I’ve been chosen to share in these moments with you, to teach you and share and watch you grow. I couldn’t imagine it any other way but, I know sometimes this curiosity can make it extremely difficult for you to follow my guidance. When I tell you ‘no’ when you try to climb on the table, I understand that you break down and fuss because you don’t understand the dangers that could bring, my precious baby girl, you only know that when you’re on top of that table you feel as though you’re on top of the world. I should be patient and slow to frustration but, I only see the potential pain a fall from this table could cause you while you see it as an opportunity to explore new and interesting territory. I know this upsets you and it seems like I’m restricting your growth but, I hope one day you understand that I’m only trying to protect you—and as you grow older, that table climbing will become so many different things but I promise, I will always do my best to help you understand the dangers I am working to protect you from. I understand that when you run through the house screaming, you’re fascinated at the sound of your voice and excited to have one. You’re intrigued at the volumes and different pitches that you can produce. I love that you’ve found your voice and I pray you never let anyone take it away from you. I want you to be loud and proud. Sometimes my lack of sleep and stress can overpower that desire. I vow to do better and let you continue to find your voice instead of trying to ‘shush’ you. When you broke a glass last night, I raised my voice and you started to cry. I knew you understood that what you’d done was bad and quite honestly, I’m regretful in my reaction because you knew this before I even yelled, I could tell by the look on your face. You were only playing and you had no way of knowing that would lead to a broken glass. I immediately realized this and I held you to my chest while explaining why you have to be careful because that broken glass could be dangerous. This should have been the way I handled it to begin with but, my frustration got the better of me. Despite my reaction, you weren’t upset, you hugged my neck as if I hadn’t just hurt your feelings; that little hug humbled me. As you learn and grow, I’m doing the same. I’m practicing patience for situations I’ve never had to have it for-- until now. While you grow, I understand I can’t be perfect but, I also understand that my presence and patience is so very crucial in the young woman you become. I promise to be better and do better. Patience is truly a virtue and I vow to seek it in all situations instead of being quick to anger. After last night and the regret I feel this morning, I recognize my opportunity for growth. I acknowledge how important my reactions are for your growth and you deserve a mom who will take the time to teach and guide you instead of chastise or berate you. I promise to always do my best to be that mom.

[namaslay28]

Lately, I’ve been nostalgic for my youth. For the days that seemed to not carry such heavy weight with them and even in tough situations, my mind was so light that they didn’t seem to carry that much of a burden because I didn’t have the mental capacity to process them in such a way. They were but a blip if you will on my radar. There were other things that I was completely consumed with, like ice cream and the latest disney channel movies. 

Now, there is this new level of understanding that I wish I could both forget and never let go of. The idea of death and losing a person (or people) that you’ve never existed without becomes a theme at this point of adulthood. It’s most often the people that we never imagined we’d lose because, well frankly, naivete made it impossible to conjure up such a world. It’s the people that raised us, healed us, supported us and made sure we had every wish and whim fulfilled. It is the people that we envisioned to be “invincible”. So how is it that now, we have to learn to except the fact that that is just not true and we will in fact have to live in a world without them? Our superheros and greatest teachers to date. It’s not fair but, it is reality. No matter how much time you have to “prepare” yourself, it still hurts because it is a loss nevertheless. Then, there are the sudden losses that you have to figure out how to cope with and the constant “what-ifs” that will forever live in your heart for the moments you never got to share. 

I’ve watched it happen to many around me and I’ve never known what to say or even how to comfort the person who is suffering from a loss. Is there really anything that you can do or say? At the end of the day, there is a process that we all have to go through and during that process, are people really receptive to anything other than that all consuming pain of the loss? It’s awkward and I try to avoid saying much of anything at all because I know my words are void for them or at least, I perceive it to be that way because that is how I know I will process it. Even with copious amounts of warnings, preparation, constant time spent with that person and even reading up on what to expect, I feel ill prepared and I know that I will regret grieving so heavily before anything has actually happened because it is like time wasted. 

When I first told that we needed to prepare for this great loss, I couldn’t think straight. My thoughts became convoluted and I didn’t know how to process them. I did try, though, to process them and work through them but all I could think about was the fact that this person that has always been here, in major ways, would very soon not be here and how that would just suck. And then, I transitioned into just ignoring the thoughts all together. I figured, if I can’t work through them I’d just pretend that they weren’t there. So, I did that in the best way I knew how, I busied myself with things that I knew would have positive impacts on my future--school, planning my wedding and work. But, that has not worked because I still feel it in my heart in those moments when everything around me is quiet. 

I understand that this is not something that is meant to be ignored and it doesn’t just go away. It lives in you and the feelings don’t get any better but somehow, you learn to manage them and move from every day to the next. One foot in front of the other. 

[namaslay28]

Early morning

In the still of the night, he comes to me; ever so gently he shakes me awake. We spend time together in a way that only we could and afterwards, we lay together  and talk in a way that we couldn’t do in the daylight. Not that it’s a shameful conversation or a secret, it’s just one of those things that wouldn’t hold the same meaning in a different context--like drinking hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies in the middle of July; it’s still enjoyable but not as much as it would be in the right season. There’s no deep talk about our regrets or our most desired futures, it’s just a light conversation occasionally enhances with our laughter. The topics are nothing that I’ll remember in a couple of weeks or even days, if i’m honest. But, i’ll never forget how it made me feel and how in some way, it drew us closer. These moments, though they may be far and few, exist as a reminder that we are more than just parents now. We are more than our occupations, more than the bills we pay and we are more than that because we are still what we were when it all started, we are friends. The best of friends. When we talk in a way that is so light, i’m reminded of the nights we spent doing the very same thing over the phone. Every night at the same time, we were there, not even realizing that we would be where we are today. The innocence of our friendship shared in adolescence bloomed into the intimacy that our souls have shared in adulthood. I ask myself everyday, “isn’t this crazy?”, because I can’t quite wrap my mind around life in this very moment. But, perhaps it is not meant to be that way and instead I am only meant to live in it with no regards to how we got here or how long it’s been since we were those kids. I think looking at it and trying to connect every single dot that drew us takes away from the magic and maybe one day, when we are old and have lived in every moment there is to live in, we will look back ever so fondly at them in the warmth of the sun setting around us. In that moment, we will feel the full power of our love and what it’s created as we see it come full circle but until then, we will just live in our little moments--in the still of the night and into the early morning.  

[namaslay28]

“What is going right in my life?”

Ahh, it’s been a while since i’ve had a moment to myself in which I can actually take time to focus on my writing challenge. Not that busy is a bad thing, it’s quite the opposite if I’m honest. i’ve always felt as though being busy is a confirmation that I’m slowly making my way towards my goals. However, I wouldn’t mind an extra few hours of sleep. Anyways, as of right now I have to say there are several things that I feel are going right in my life. A few things in particular would be my babygirl and her health, the start of my new job and my overall health both physically and mentally. 

I can say that it’s been a while that I’ve felt happy in just about all the areas in my life so, finally being in such a place is almost a foreign concept. But, here I am. It’s hard to believe that you’ll reach such a point when life seems to throw an obstacle of sorts in your direction at any sign of happiness. We work so hard and it’s so easy to get stuck in a place where we feel like things will never get better and that the struggle will always exist. Like, what is life where it doesn’t? I’m here to say it’s possible and even if it’s for a brief moment in time or a more permanent situation, it’s very achievable and it’s waiting at the end of whatever your personal tunnel may be. You just can’t give up or stop making your way through it. 

I’m grateful for the things in my life that are priceless. The laughter and the joy that it all brings me is incredible. Last week we celebrated Nubia’s first birthday. I felt so overwhelmed with so many emotions it was insanity. It’s crazy to look back at pictures or videos I have from when she was still growing inside of me and to then look up at her walking around babbling and laughing. It’s just so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that she’s growing so quickly but, I am so grateful for it. Her happiness and her growth reassures me that I’m doing my very best even though sometimes I have my doubts. This whole motherhood thing is new to me so it’s not something that I have a ton of confidence built up about just yet but, i’m proud that we’ve made it this far and I am so looking forward to watching her continue to grow into her own little person. 

Last week was also the start of my new job. I went in feeling nervous because I’ve been so used to doing the same thing for so many years now so, I felt the familiar anxiety that almost always accompanies change. Once I got past those first day jitters, I felt this sense of confidence rush back to me. I felt like I was finally doing something that was more than just a way of paying bills, it’s literally giving me a foot in the door for my career. It feels so good to be doing something that’s following my actual career path and it’s giving me even more motivation to thrive and work towards my degree and not to become stagnant in the process again.

These things have worked in a trickle effect to fulfill me in so many other ways. I feel like I finally have a grip on my mental health in the sense that I’m actually living every day with anticipation for whats to come. I’m excited to wake up in the mornings and go to work. i’m excited to come home and be with my baby. I’m just so overjoyed with what life is becoming for me and my family. That self love i’ve always been such an advocate for is reappearing in a much more brilliant way. I feel as though I’m coming back into myself and i’m loving every minute of it. 

[namaslay28]

“What do I need more of in my life”-30 questions for self discovery

There are many things that I WANT more of in my life but as i’ve learned over the years, there is a major difference between WANTING and actually NEEDING something. By taking the time to weed out the things I WANT I was able to discover what I truly NEED more of in my life. I can honestly say I need more self-awareness.

After I finished writing my response to my day 1 question, I realized that I’ve lost touch w/who I am outside of “Mom”. I haven’t spent time with myself to even begin to know where I am on my self-awareness journey and even though it should be a constant one, I can acknowledge that I strayed away from the path of self discovery quite some time ago. When life changes in a major way, it is normal for your focus to shift and for you to fall to the wayside w/things like this. It’s like, there are things that take precedence over it and it can be tough navigating back to where you were or even to a place that is remotely close to where you might have left off. Self-awareness journey’s don’t pay the bills so, it can be hard to find the motivation to focus on it after you’ve spent a long day at a job that does just that. Because it doesn’t produce the type of fast benefits we as a people seek, it can be somewhat less desirable. But, the journey itself offers much more than money or possessions ever could and it will take you much farther. Self-awareness is that reassurance that puts life into perspective and takes you from just existing to actually LIVING.

Since I’ve gotten into the routine of just taking life day by day I am far from where I want to be w/my self awareness. I’m either too tired, preoccupied with something else or I lack passion or the desire to get back on track. I’m having a hard time trying to maintain balance in my life and i’m not too proud to admit that. Chaos has become slightly comfortable because it gives me excuses galore. But, it’s also left me uninspired for far too long.

There is now a calm in the storm and I am ready to get back on my path. I am ready to become accountable again and to give myself a life and purpose outside of my titles as partner and mother. I am ready to do so guilt-free and I have every intention of working my way to where I deserve to be. I really hope that when these moments open up for others they feel the same and they don’t pass up on their opportunities b/c of complacency. As it’s been said, “Complacency breeds mediocrity and steals potential”(unsure of the orig. origin of this quote). No one WANTS to live a mediocre life so, we must harness every ounce of our potential and never stop evolving. We must stop straying from nurturing our self-awareness and take charge of our destiny.

[namaslay28]

“How do I feel at the moment?” -30 questions for self discovery

It’s a question I honestly haven’t given much in-depth thought to in quite some time. When asked, my default response is, “good, I can’t complain”. It’s the truth as far as I’m willing to see it because I don’t have the time to dig any deeper. Though I am grateful and I can’t deny the happiness that I feel on a day to day basis, this is a question that I am anxious to explore further than I’ve allowed myself to as of late.

When you become a mom, hell when you become an adult, people don’t take as much time or give much concern to how you are feeling because it’s assumed that once you are in said positions of life, you should have it figured out. Not to say this is the mentality of EVERYONE you encounter but generally, it is what you get. Then, there is this part of you who has this belief as well so once you do meet someone who is genuinely interested on how you are, you just distort the truth to fit that ideology that you’ve cracked the code that is adulthood/life. You might believe if you put this energy into the universe it will eventually become reality BUT, until you take the time to really acknowledge how you feel and work through it, it’s never going to be that way. TBH, there isn’t a single person among us that’s figured this out.

But, I digress. In answer to the question, “how do you feel at the moment?”, I would have to say I feel anxious. I feel anxious about a lot of things in my life and though majority of the anxiety is good, I still face the kind that cripples me with fear. The world is such a strange place and w/the new responsibility of motherhood, I’ve found it to be even more of an oddity. There are so many things that spring about questions I don’t have the answer for (nor do I believe I ever will) and that’s a scary thing because my daughter will have questions I have to come up w/answers to. Am I going to be capable of doing this if I struggle to still answer my own?

Like, how do I explain the state of things on a racial level to my daughter when she’s of age? When is she considered “of age”? How do I protect her from sexual assault in a world w/people who are dead set on defending it away? Or just the broad question of, “How do I just keep her safe and happy?”. Of course I would always do everything in my power to protect my baby and make her happy but, there are so many stories of parents, much like myself, that have said and done everything in their power to do the same and wind up having to face their ultimate fears of loss. It’s such an unbearable thought to even have but it’s one that fuels that fire that is my anxiety. I don’t want to ever fail my daughter as her protector but I also don’t want to take away her right to happiness by being OVER-protective (which is a word I’m working to define).

It’s such a good question and has been incredibly thought provoking and I’m glad I finally took some time to give my feelings the consideration they deserve. I feel as though once these things are put out there they can be met with answers from those around me that I’ve not been able to find myself. Even if they aren’t, I still have the opportunity to acknowledge where I stand to seek the answers I so desperately want/need.

[namaslay28]

Truth be told..

I can say with the upmost honesty that there’s not been a single decision I’ve made since becoming a mother without thinking about how said decision(s) may impact my mother-ing quality. It’s like everything I do ignites the flame that is the question; “does this make me a bad mom?”. Yes, even trivial things such as the length of time I take in the shower ; like, if I decide to take a long relaxing shower am I a bad mom because that time could have been spent with my baby? Some of the things I question are down right laughable because honestly, nothing so minut diminishes any mothers quality as a mother. I get that. I’m not so naive that I can’t acknowledge the ridiculousness behind some of this ideology I’ve created. But, there are bigger things that come up for question. When I initially got ready to go back to work after 4 wonderfully blissful months as a stay at home mom, I felt a guilt that gnawed away any excitement I’d felt about gaining that independence back. There was the constant worry that my daughter would somehow, as a 4 month old, develop a resentment towards me for “abandoning” her. For the first month or so I couldn’t even focus on the job itself because my mind always seemed to be with my baby, as I’m sure all moms can relate. I’d watch the time with anticipation for when it was time to leave and speed home to her. Then, with time came more guilt because I eventually began ENJOYING going to and being at work. I felt guilty for finding joy outside of my child. The guilt got worse and worse until it eventually just disappeared all together with the realization that I was doing it for the betterment of her and myself and that I am allowed to exist for myself even as a mother. Yes, that’s right, ATTENTION ALL MAMAS: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY OUTSIDE OF YOUR CHILDREN‼️‼️‼️‼️ Crazy as it may sound (🙄). I by no means spend every free moment that’s mine apart from my baby, BUT I am beginning to set aside time for myself and learning to feel 0 guilt when I do so. Although Nubia is my #1 priority, I’ve learned to prioritize myself too for so many reasons but mainly because I want to teach my daughter what self love is and how important it is. I want her to grow into a young woman so fiercely in love with herself that nothing this world throws her direction could alter or shake it. Children learn from example. I’m learning to love myself as Shaideesha the mother but also to continue to love myself as Shaideesha the individual. I’m not close to perfecting it but I feel like I’m stepping in the right direction by making myself a priority alongside my daughter.

[namaslay28]

A day in the life

Each morning begins with the grunts of a hungry baby followed by the tiny kick of her legs in my shoulder. She doesn’t cry, she just gazes around the room and huffs to convey the hunger and desire to start her day. I rise wearily from only having had about 5-6 hours of sleep, and I greet her. We exchange sleepy smiles and gaze into one another’s eyes. She can’t talk, but if she could, I’m sure she’d tell me all about the dreams that help her sleep so peacefully at night. I imagine there would be that childlike excitement in every word that she spoke and her stories would be sprinkled with that beautiful imagination only someone so pure could have. Once we’ve exchanged pleasantries, I change her diaper and latch her on to feed. In those moments, we share a bond that’s indescribable. We watch one another and are both nourished. It’s time to start the day. She’s so full of life for such a tiny little person. She smiles and babbles in such a meaningful way—a way only I could understand. Though I am not perfect and I find myself feeling overwhelmed at times, she believes me to be the most perfect person. I am the greatest thing ever to her. When we lock eyes in my moments of frustration, she gets it. She’ll smile as if to say, “mommy, you’re doing a great job”. My world suddenly comes back into focus and all is well again. I go about my day completing household chores and she watches with such fascination and wonder. It’s never dull. We talk, we sing, we dance. Just my little one and me. She’s already learning from me and developing her own personality. She’s experiencing her own growth as I am continuing in mine. The day slowly falls into the night and we settle in and prepare to rest up for whatever the next day may bring. No matter how chaotic it may be, it is always beautiful because I am sharing it with her. We cuddle and fall into slumber—usually her before me. I watch as the peace falls over her and she sleeps without a care in the world. I vow to work as hard as I can for her to always have that peace just as my mother did/does for me. My eyes become heavy and a familiar drowsiness takes control. I breathe in, then out and I repeat this a few more times before I succumb to the peace myself and fall into my own slumber. Life doesn’t get any better; it couldn’t be any fuller.

[namaslay28]

Lead by example

I remember life before loving me. I remember the compromises I was so eager to make to have acceptance from those around me. I remember being so flexible in my own likes and dislikes because, at times it meant pleasing everyone else—everyone else but myself. I expected these things to make me feel full and happy. I anticipated that the company these sacrifices would bring would be worth the degradation of who I really was. Why? Because I was afraid to be alone. I mean, I guess at some point we all face that fear. When I finally had the sense to break it all down and decide what truly mattered to me and only me, I found that there was no need to compromise who I was or overcompensate to keep people around. If it came down to me having to run myself into the ground to please someone, they didn’t value me nor were they worth having around. I realized I needed to learn to value myself and even deeper; I needed to find what made me valuable. I needed to go on a journey of self discovery. This meant sitting back and giving myself an opportunity to actually be alone or better yet, eliminate the people I’d been giving too much of myself to. I had to try and take every piece of me out of those situations in order to try and put who I was together. A little piece here, a little piece there. Once I’d gotten all that I could, I did some in depth searching. What made me happy? What was I passionate about? What were the inner workings of me that I’d ignored for years? We’ve all been there and if you say you haven’t that’s just because you’ve not reached that point yet. Some are content in living a lie for some company. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that (we’ve all been there) and it doesn’t make anyone’s journey less valuable than another. We’ve all just got to step back and realize we are worth the risk. We are worth finding rather than remaining lost for the sake of unworthy company. Now, I realize my worth and that love of self has only increased with the birth of my daughter. You know, you live life believing that there could never be anything so important. I’d learned to love myself as deeply as I thought I could. When I found out I was pregnant, I feared that I would lose that love of self because it would all go to this little person—just as all of my energy was 😂—but really, it added an entire new dimension. It added a brand new appreciation. I am now an example for a little being that has the world at her feet. The way that I carry myself will forever impact her outlook on how she decides to carry herself. I will be the first influence that she draws from when she begins to develop her sense of self worth and esteem. Because of this, I strive to be empowering and humble. It all starts with me valuing who I am and not only appreciating what it is I have to offer the world but actually going out and offering it. I am in the most important position I’ve ever been in as a mother. I must lead by example to foster my daughters sense of self love.

[namaslay28]

Motherhood

Everyone told me it would be a journey. So many people tried to tell me how it would change my life forever. They failed. No words could have EVER prepared me. It’s all emotions that have no description. Every day I wake up, I wake up with purpose. This little person depends on me in every possible way. This little beautiful person also just so happens to be the best parts of myself and the man I’ve spent loving these last 8 years. The lack of sleep, leaky boobs, soreness and inability to sit down and eat a meal are all worth it. She is everything and then some. The day she came into this world is forever etched into my mind, heart and soul. That first cry will forever be one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing. I wish there was a way that I could really breakdown each and every emotion that comes with being a mom but, it’s impossible. It’s something one must experience in order to grasp its meaning. With every day, my love for her grows more and more. I never knew I could love a tiny being as much as I love her. My Nubia Reign. My heart and soul. My tiny best friend ❤️

[namaslay28]

More than words

I’ve heard it said a time or two before; where words fail, actions prevail. Or, something of the sorts. However the saying goes, it all comes down to the idea of actions picking up the slack left by meaningless words. It’s something I believe we’ve all seen at least once in our lives. Sometimes words can be fanciful and so incredibly convincing that the actions that have played out before can be forgotten. It becomes easier to forget rather than confront and genuinely forgive. Why? Because we love the idea of what’s being said and sometimes settle for that rather than demand the actions to make it reality. It’s a complacent feeling. It’s not enough, though. It never will be and if you continue to settle for it, legit/genuine happiness will never find its way in your life. Sometimes, those words come from within ourselves. “I will chase my dreams”, and then you spend years making excuses for why you’ve remained at a standstill and made little to no effort to do so. You get comfortable or maybe even scared at the idea of change. Then, those words become just that. WORDS. Nothing more and nothing less. Nothing of substance. And this is adulthood sometimes. This constant circle of a routine and a mantra that really doesn’t mean anything anymore but has become the straw you’re grasping at. It has been said so much you actually don’t remember what it feels like to mean it anymore. You can’t remember what it feels like to believe it, either. These things become the excuses that will eventually serve as a crutch rather than an actual goal in our lives. Therefore, we stop trying to achieve and just lean on the idea of it to escape the routines we’ve set for ourselves. But, this is no way to live. We have to say it and mean it. Even if it means doing things you’d never thought you’d do. Escaping that comfort zone. Stepping out of that routine to venture into where you really belong. You can’t be afraid. You can’t be lazy and you can’t let life take it away from you. It’s worth working towards and YOU are worth turning those words into actions and therefore achieving true happiness. Don’t ever become complacent in where you are or with what you feel is the cap of your potential. Dream endlessly and chase those dreams fearlessly🌍

[namaslay28]

Gift of Self: Day 81

Mood: peaceful Song: when I fall in love- Chris botti

There is a peace that’s settled over me, over my love, my family, my home and my life. As we continue on in preparation for my daughters big arrival, each day I find reassurance where I’ve not been able to in previous days. For every moment that passes and draws us closer, my mind, body and spirit have just come to this place of beauty, strength and a connection with myself. I feel more in tune with my body now than I think I ever have. Most certainly because the biggest part of my life is growing there.

It’s so beautiful the way our minds and bodies learn to adapt to just about every situation without any real preparation. Like, as humans we are just created in a way that allows us to unconsciously carry on and through whatever we may be dealing with or going through. It’s incredible. We all possess this ability, but for some it’s a matter of letting go and allowing that part of you to kick in a do what it must. Having full trust in the universe, God and yourself.

It is something we all must grow to see. Of course it comes at different times for us all but it does come, and that is what matters. That is what’s important.

[namaslay28]

Gift of Self: Day 80

Mood: Blissful Song: Best Part- Daniel Caesar I’ve been in such a beautiful place lately. As my angel starts to move and become her own little person, my heart fills with a love I’ve never known. I’ve yet to be in a moment that doesn’t feel full. Even on the days that I’d just rather not be bothered, she’s there and that’s become the greatest treasure I’ve been given the chance the withhold. When she moves, hiccups or just sleeps I feel my world stop and start all over again in such a beautiful way. Every piece of me anxiously anticipates my baby girls arrival. I have so many questions and I’m nervous beyond belief as I’ve chosen the natural route. One thing I am certain of, is I will be in pain, yes, but I will also be in heaven in the same breath because with every ounce of pain that strikes my body, I become closer to meeting the one little person that means more to me than anything. I just can’t wait to hold her close and love on her. I thank God every day for touching my soul and blessing me in such a way that I find myself at a loss for words. I am forever indebted to him for it. Just knowing that a piece of myself and the man of my dreams lies inside of me growing by the day because of the love we chose to share, I feel complete. Just 2 more months!

[namaslay28]

Gift of Self: Day 79

Some can live in denial until their dying days, Some can refuse the truth until their last breath. But I, I live and grow in reality-even though it breaks me down at times. I do not make excuses nor do I play victim. I hold myself accountable for each and every action I’ve taken that may have hurt someone. I don’t call for attention to situations that I brought upon myself because I understand how Chaim reactions work. You can not, I repeat, NOT, continuously shit on people who extend their love, time and attention to you. The people who root for you, stand by you and ride for you should not be expected to stand by and allow hateful behavior on your behalf and never grow tired of it. When they’ve brought you in and try to build you up, you can not step on their toes or take their efforts for granted and then expect them to want to stick around such toxicity. People have their own growth and life to focus in on. We get to a point in our lives where we grow into our worth as people and stop accepting treatment from others that belittles that worth. Or, simply does not appreciate it. You can not play victim when a person makes that decision for themselves. Appreciation comes with actions, NOT occasional sweet words. The older you get, the more you begin to realize words mean nothing. I will not subject myself to attendance of a pity party someone throws themselves based on circumstances they refuse to acknowledge. Something can’t be right if someone can openly pretend as if they do not recall reasons a person became tired and walked away. All we can do is continue to grow, learn and be accountable for who WE are. Simple as that.

[namaslay28]

Gift of Self: Day 78

I didn’t want to, but I ran to you I spent my life valuing independence Cherishing that I could stand on my on two feet Then came you Then came the need for you The desire was more than I’d anticipated The fire burned hotter than the heat of the sun But I liked it Hell, I loved it Realization set in quickly, Ready or not it was you and me I’d never want it any other way I could see it clear as day It meant I’d have to relinquish that independence That loneliness would have to part Now that you’ve wrapped your soul around my heart.