#but i feel guilty about spending my money on dumb shit

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

hi it's the good omens mascot here's some shit about me that might be relevant

I appear to have accidentally caused chaos so I figured you might as well know about me since I'm responsible for it. And also so that you know who you broke, thanks ineffable fandom.

I have been called the prophet by some of you all. This is not entirely untrue, but I would like to add as I did in one post, that Apollo also gave me the curses of art, (very emotional) music, (sometimes good mostly dreadful) poetry, (same parentheses apply, except that the dreadful is on purpose) writing and (used to be good now dreadful) medical knowledge, and so yes, you did accidently adopt a messenger of an ancient Greek god.

Yes, this entire entry into your cult happened from start to now happened in 48 hours.

This will seem less bizarre when I give you context about me and fandoms. I changed career paths (after three years of intense study that cost me my sanity) from science to the arts because I was inspired by drarry fanfiction of them leaving their ministry jobs and following their dreams. Yes I tossed three years and my loss of sanity away in one week of decisions. I'm now a designer. Thanks Draco.

I read so much drarry fanfiction that my mum had to take me to the hospital for injured wrists. I wore wrist and elbow supports and was in constant pain for a few months. I was only later introduced to autoscroll. Yes, I am a fool. Yes, I am unaware of how to human.

I'm broke and cheap enough that I feel guilty buying bottled water, but for Christmas I spent the equivalent of around 150 bottles of water getting a Bakewell tart custom made (they don't sell them where I live). Why? Because in one single fanfiction, it is Draco's favourite food. I would never spend that kind of money on a dessert for any real human being.

That is to say, you all are not ready for when I REALLY fall for Crowley. I don't saunter vaguely downwards for people. I bypass earth and crash into hell, leaving a smoking pit in its infernal ground.

I swear I'm not as dumb as I seem, I just have ZERO general knowledge, and am terrible with faces. I can tell you what the graffiti on the walls of Pompeii from before 70 AD said but I don't know who my previous president was, and personally I think that's very classy of me.

Some of you seem concerned about my sleep schedule. Worry not, I sleep in four installments, night, morning nap, afternoon nap, evening nap. I sleep more than you all, that I can promise. I sleep more than my doggy sister.

About the streams and the timezones, I have no idea how to make it so people can watch, because I frequently mix up east and west and last morning I mixed up the Pacific and Atlantic ocean. I don't know at what point the Eastern hemisphere becomes the Western or how any of it works. I also thought Wakanda was a real place.

But hey fun fact, in 2020 diclofenac sales were dropping in Iceland. I know this because I wanted to make sure to use the correct painkiller in one sentence of a story I was writing. It was completely irrelevant. But hey any of you writers here probably feel my pain. I don't write fanfiction, but I am an author and I write original stories. And honestly what is more useful, Icelandic diclofenac sales from three years ago or timezones?

A career test once told me to be a standup comedian.

Yes that's me Asmi, just your regular dumbass lad who is slightly unhinged, serving himbo twink energy, hello hi nice to meet you all. PS: the poll results are out and Doctor Who won, so tremble, DW fandom.

[davekat-sucks]

What's your interpretation of Eridan? Most of the fandom sees him as a sassy gay/trans boy. That's kinda dumb though as it's based on a single sprite and a fanon joke. I think the best interpretation is him being (and note that he is my favorite character) an incel. I mean he wants a girlfriend, he's into historical warfare, into fantasy, emotionally unstable/closed off, has a need for superiority. What do you think?

I don't think he's a sassy gay/trans boy. That's just asinine. I wouldn't go far to say he is an incel either. That interpretation was what made Cronus exist. Simp at best, but not incel. To me, I think Eridan is a dramatic theater kid, who acts so high and mighty because he is taught this was the norm for people of his status, is socially awkward because the belief of his race was to never show vulnerability towards anyone, makes it hard for him to try and gain a good close connection with anyone, which resulted on him feeling lonely and blaming himself if something does go wrong, a hypocrite because despite all his pride of being seadweller and a highblood, cares a lot about the people below him but his planet says he can't really do that, and wants to be open about his interests in wizards but fears being judged by others. Perhaps his interest in historical warfare and claims to be into science is all a load of tripe. He's not really into it. He's either too dumb to understand it or is using said hobby interest to try and project himself, thinking he could be something great, but knows he is shit despite that his blood colors says he should be top dog. I sort of play up his racism a bit more compared to others in the fandom. Part of it is in a joking fashion. I mean, rich people getting away with racism is kind of a thing. Dude would have enough money to buy the N-word pass if it does exist. He probably doesn't even need to spend money on it because he just don't give a fuck. I imagine him a little bit vain with how he likes to dress. I mean, violet cape and lots of rings on his fingers. Haughty too with how much he tries to push himself up, only to fall down immediately once something bad happens or people call him out that he does feel guilty about it. He's a tragic boy and I love him for it. Then again, my taste in fave characters and husbandos tend to be either tragic guys, crazy, or gay. Sometimes all. There are other people who have done better analysis about Eridan's character. Mine likely sucks.

[taylortruther]

(im sorry sometimes i just send you long asks about my opinions, but it’s because i feel like even if you disagree or think what im saying is dumb (for the lack of a better word), you would be nice and gentle about it haha. ignore me if you want!)

maybe the way i view celebs is “wrong” but i grew up in india, and i literally learned to never rely on them. they do and say the dumbest things, but no one bats an eye because it’s like “ofc this famous person said and did this.” in the same vein, i don’t rely on her to feel that im making a difference in society by calling her out. as for everyone always talking about expecting better from her, i literally don’t expect anything from her. i obviously recognize that her outreach is so very wide so of course i would love if she did say something and addressed certain things, but i have seen that she will not speak on issues pertaining to other countries and sticks to her lane with 3-5 major things in the US, so why would i expect her to speak about anything else? having followed her for so long, based on past, how could i and why would i? (this sounds unkind i think but i actually mean it in a kind way lmao). her speaking on things would just bring me personal peace that she did her part and that i support a good person, but beyond that, if i actually want change, why would i focus on her at alllll instead of focusing on an actual political figures? that’s time spent doing something that will result in nothing instead of something else (i realize this is extremely ironic because im typing this long ask and spending time on it 💀 i love being a hypocrite i guess)

instead of focusing any of my energy wanting her to do things she probably won’t do, i spend my time actually supporting things i believe in, and constantly having uncomfortable conversations with people around me. and the impact i have is actually very little compared to all that other people do, so instead i spend time feeling guilty about it and thinking what can i do? (that’s kinda a joke but also not a joke at all alkjgdgsj)

also, like im so in terms of how she and i are different. im a poc immigrant, and im extremely privileged in general, but compared to her it’s nothing. she is the biggest star in the world. no way our approach or thinking aligns. i feel like calling her out and constantly thinking about her “wrongs” just makes me feel conflicted about her. i don’t want to align myself with her politically and not because she is a conservative or something but because there are other people who are more sensible to align myself with. and it’s not that i don’t critically think about her, but that im being selfish and affording myself this luxury.

basically, all that word-jargon to say i love her music and i love her as a person and her traits very dearly, and the way she approaches political issues is something i used to be in gripes with but have accepted and come to terms with. and maybe i have cognitive dissonance and im actually blind to how evil she is because im a “cupcake” swiftie, but oh well. i guess i just have no morals then 😭

arshia i completely agree with you and imo this describes my own mentality about it really well. she does not represent me and frankly i do not really want her to try. of course, i wish she'd come out and say some shit like "MONEY FOR WAR BUT NOT FOR CITIZENS? CALL YOUR REPS AND SIT IN IN ALL THEIR OFFICES" fjdkasl but i'm not going to hold my breath. taylor's conscience is her own, i can't control it!

and if someone cannot stomach celebrities at all because of what they represent - FAIR! i turn off that part of my brain to be on here, because this is my fun lil hobby. and i think i am making more of an impact irl than i ever could on here. although, if anyone learns anything about their own politics through my blog, i consider that a win.

[forgotten-daydreamer]

vent

i'm mad as fuck for this landlady thing, and i'm overwhelmed because my mother is always on the fucking phone with my sister and it stresses me out that every time something happens with me, the other one's always the priority. so i went to my room (i'm staying at my parents' for 10 days only, got here yesterday night) upset as fuck, and then 5 mins later my mother comes in and i stupidly expect, like, a "do you want to talk about it" or "are you alright" or shit, but no, she's like "i need to find your sister's diploma because she needs to send it to her traineeship employer" and then "don't get mad."

so naturally i was like "i'll be as mad as i fucking want because you guys have always gotten mad over dumb shit and now it's my turn" and she's like "okay but like this isn't good for you" like okay?? i don't care?? the rent being up in a house where the roof is crumbling to pieces isn't good either? and yes i've been looking for a new place for months but i didn't find anything within my budget range.

anyway we start looking for this fucking thing mainly because i want to be in my room alone and she's like trying to play the "don't yell at me all the time" card which? i didn't? i literally left for my room saying "always on the fucking phone with that one (my sister)" and that was it. by the way she's like "i can never remember where i put stuff" like yeah that happens to me too and i'm half your age so stop blaming yourself for misplacing a piece of paper and focus on trying harder to find it.

in the end after like five minutes only i found it and was like "there, now i can go back to my room and be mad as fuck in piece, can't i?" and she was like "there's no need to" like? hello? i already feel super guilty spending money at all and i literally spent 60€ on shoes this morning before the news and already felt like ass for it, now this too? and mind you - last year i got a scholarship so i paid 9 (/12) rents and annexed bills with that + groceries sometimss (they told me to use their card but i didn't want to) so like luckily they didn't spend much because of me (my sister got a scholarship too thank god) but like why the fuck are you asking me not to be mad about the rent for a shitty place rising when none of us is sure i'll get another scholarship anytime soon? and the landlady is also being a fucking bitch about it.

why am i the only one in this fucking family whose anger is never valid somehow? my sister gets mad because she has a fever and that's fine, my parents get mad over stupid shit all the fucking time, but when i get rightfully mad suddenly getting mad is pointless and childish? i'm going to bite my hands off tonight.

like my parents expect me not to get stressed over money when we all now we're not rich - my sister and i wouldn't have gotten a scholarship otherwise yknow. like we have food on the table and a good house and heating and all but. like. we have to really put a lot of thought in our purchases - which i didn't this morning!! because i'd saved some cash from tutoring!! i wanted to treat myself!! and i regret it!! and i can't return the shoes i got!!

plus therapy and all oh my god i want to fucking throw shit and then myself from the closest tallest fucking bridge

[brighteststar707]

Hi I have some numbers for the ask game: 14 & 31 for Jumin and 50 for V please! Hope you're feeling better now💗

Hi Xela! I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply, I've been busier than expected this weekend. I'm definitely feeling better, like I'm actually living life again. I hope you're also feeling better!

I've also enjoyed talking about character headcanons and indulging in my mysme thoughts again :)

Jumin

14. What are they petty about?

Although he appears professional and put-together to the public, we know that's not the full story. Jumin can be childish and petty too, especially when talking to certain members of the RFA 👀.

He's very sensitive about Elizabeth the Third. Call her by her full name, treat her with respect and recognize her true beauty and elegance or face the wrath of petty cat mother Jumin.

Also, I think he's at his pettiest when talking to Zen. It's very satisfying to see how quickly he can get a rise out of him, and it's good revenge for when Zen is talking shit in the chat.

31. What dumb shit do they do without hesitation?

Spending money. Especially with two people (technically one person and one cat) to spoil now, he will not hesitate to drop ridiculous amounts of money on things that he shouldn't, just to make you happy. Be careful of what you say around him or he'll be buying you an island just because you said you miss the beach.

Elizabeth III lives in kitty paradise and wears diamond-encrusted collars, and it's still not enough for him. She has enough toys, beds, collars and different kinds of treats to last her all of her nine lives.

Special mention for this moment:

Pure reckless dumb ideas from Jumin here. Only he would think of stealing a sports car and crashing it just to get revenge and let off steam.

50. What are they super embarrassed about enjoying?

He isn't used to feeling embarrassment. However, he has some guilty pleasures that he likes to keep to himself.

I think that he secretly enjoys reality TV shows. The over-the-top personalities, the bizarre situations they get put into, the ridiculous fights that inevitably break out... He just can't look away. It's like a nature documentary on a new and strange environment he'd never have known otherwise.

He also enjoys watching romance dramas (though he stays away from ones about office romances, they feels too close to home). He is secretly an expert on the different tropes and character types, and likes to theorize with Elizabeth on what's going to happen next.

Jihyun

14. What are they petty about?

I believe that Jihyun at his best is as mischievous and petty as the next RFA member. Remember, he grew up with Jumin. He can give as good as he gets, even if it's in his own way.

This is most obvious when he's talking to Jumin or Saeyoung, as he's the most comfortable with them. If they try to tease him or embarrass him, he has plenty of ammunition on them to fire back.

31. What dumb shit do they do without hesitation?

*gestures to the whole of another story*

V thinking he could take on Mint Eye and rescue MC all by himself only to get drugged into oblivion is a pretty strong contender for dumbest V moment.

Despite being one of the oldest members and the head of the RFA, he doesn't seem to think things through completely. He's the definition of act first and think later, because he has so much that he's desperate to protect.

50. What are they super embarrassed about enjoying?

Videogames. He has a console at home (an old one of Jumin's) and a decent collection of games. He often unwinds by playing indie games with unique artstyles and calming environments. These aren't the ones he's embarrassed about.

He made a LOLOL account out of curiosity after hearing Yoosung talk about it, and was hooked almost immediately. He has since gotten quite good at it and even branched into other similar games. He doesn't bring it up in the chat because he's embarrassed of what Saeyoung and Yoosung would say if they found out.

[hermo-dactylus]

I think we need to shed more light on how fucked normie american society's wedding expectations are. These past 6 months have been absolute hell on earth for me. I've fallen down into the deepest depression I've ever had, my PD has gotten so bad where I'm basically having an attack every day, my room is a mess because I have no life outside of work and planning and I'm too overwhelmed, I'm losing weight, my hair is falling out, my face is covered in stress acne, i literally can't go 💩 bc I'm so stressed, i have absolutely no appetite.

Don't let anyone push you into some dumb and expensive wedding for literally a couple hours of your life. Getting eloped or court married is not "the wrong way". The modern wedding industry and wedding culture in America is a giant money sucking vampire that needs to be kissed by a wooden stake a thousand times.

I have to babysit a large group of people (most of which are my massive family and didn't have a say in inviting or not) and make sure they don't get "offended" that our ceremony is polytheist, that we have (god forbid!!) Lebanese food (ofc included vegan, vegetarian, and gluten free options but it's not hotdogs and BBQ so), no garter toss, etc. I have been getting shit from my entire family the whole way, yes they are technically working their asses off with me but that doesn't negate the fact that I've been fighting them the whole time and it adds a significant amount of stress to my life.

I can't talk to my grandma anymore without me going into an anxiety attack bc just talking about wedding stuff triggers me. I also hate the social obligations- i got yelled at for talking to a friend i haven't seen in 5y at my bridal shower and my mom is hyping me up saying I'm going to be talking to so many people i won't be able to eat, yeah no lol. After all of this i don't want to speak to another person besides fiance again for the next 600 years.

There's also so many god damn extra costs like I'm already sacrificing my sanity and my life force energy and my money for this whole function and you're telling me i need to pay all of my bridesmaids and get them gifts?? NO! I have to spend extra money on food for people that don't like Lebanese? NO! I have to get "real" favors? NO! I don't care about being a "bridezilla" at this point I'm so done.

I wish i could go back in time and badger my fiance into letting us elope bc i remember bringing it up a bunch when we first got engaged and he told me he would feel bad if we "didn't do it the right way" prime example of how society grooms people's expectations of what's "right" and what's "improper" now we're both reaping bc I'm stressed as a cat in a rocking chair factory and he feels super guilty about not being here bc we're LD. Mega regret was had on both sides.

This is basically a giant rant and i honestly have zero excitement for my wedding next Saturday. I just want it to be over at this point. I think I'll be more excited the week after the wedding honestly bc that's when we move in together and get to do all the fun stuff like decorate and cook together.

End of rant and if you made it this far ily 💕

[lilsnowpea93]

disregard, vent

Life is so overwhelming !!! Rant time lololol ..S2g my life would bebetter if I could attain my salary now (30k) doing visual art and music with graphic design on the side at a reasonable pace(what I actually WANT to do w my life, and what I do end up doing just at a slow rate and often for free cuz idc).. & it’s not like those skills are completely devoid of value at all.. I think I’m just dumb n my stuff isn’t good like that. Like u see other ppl make a living off being creative and get a following, it’s not like it’s impossible at all. It just doesn’t happen for some ppl for overlapping reasons + chance. And it sucks! I try not to dwell on it because it's rly painful after trying for so long. Obv I still do what I want when I can and have enough motivation, n I could give a shit if anyone interacts w things, it makes sense they don’t. I’m most of the problem. (I know this reads as wack and self demeaning, I do tend to make gross looking work and I think I have a brain worm where I get fixated on making something specific I’m rly proud of then all the times I see/hear it later I realize it’s terrible/inaccessible/too silly whatever. It kinda is my fault)

Just is what it is and this is what I deserve but it does actually blow having to do be relegated to dirty jobs cuz that’s the only thing I can mentally handle. (Personal issue, I’m a lil broken) Liiike I could spend my entire life handling trash cleaning floors and toilets. Or I could do my thing every day and flourish! Tho I might feel guilty about that like if my life is sucking like this then there must be so many ppl like that and they deserve to be themselves too. So I guess none of it’s reasonable and a few ppl get lucky and that’s that, making money creatively does seem like just a fluke under capitalism. And likely I’ll never get to have the life I’d like right.. We all deal with that probably to some extent. Just is a bad feeling because it directly reflects on how I’m not good/creative/innovative/original enough. Like I have definitely failed and will definitely continue to fail and will probably never succeed in the way where I can comfortably exist as my full self. (Maybe that’s unreasonable to ask for though..) I understand this comes off as cynical and very silly to say but I’mmm kinda being realistic. Just based off years of experience. And so yeah that’s not great. I feel like every half a year I write this exact thing down fuck me lol

[medicinemane]

Me bitching about my mom under the cut

I get real tired of my mom being a child, and for that matter her mom being a child too

My grandpa on my dad's side died last year leaving a bit of money to me and my dad. Like a solidly helpful amount, but... just that sweat spot where it's enough to make me worry I'm gonna lose medicaid but not enough to really for sure fix things (though I think I can leverage it)

My dad's gonna be moving up here, he's gonna be seeing about either getting a job or getting on disability

So that's the set up for this

My mom was upset and worried today and was talking about how like my dad should take over some of the bills so we can stop getting a little grocery money each month from my grandma and because my mom's feeling put upon and cause my mom's been wracking up credit card debt and it's like... for once can shit not be about you and can you be a fucking team player?

There is no "my dad's" money here, there is money that he and I are gonna throw in a pot and see what we can do to use it to get stuff like the windows fixed up with something actually weatherproof, and just try to investigate how best to steward this money into moving towards an actually stable situation

This is just about making shit work, cause in spite of how weird it is, it's almost working it just needs a little push and this might be it... and maybe once things are stable I can find a way to make money myself, and then maybe I can start helping people around me out more like I want to

Meanwhile she spends money having a personal assistant for promoting her writing and it's like... I don't even buy crackers for myself to snack on cause I can't afford it, meanwhile you're blowing money on this shit

Her writing is never going to make the kinds of money it would need to in order to have a meaningful impact on anything, not because it's bad but because it's hard to make money there

So she's just tossing money down the drain on something that's never gonna have a return (I'm sure her PA is great, but that doesn't make it a good use of money)

And like... I don't need it to make money. Her disability payment is enough, I'm not asking for her to boost her income. See she feels guilty about not having a job, but fucking guess what? So do I, and you don't see me self sabotaging to sooth my own ego

What I want out of her is to ever, literally fucking ever, go through her shit and help me get stuff cleaned up. A single box in a month would be a huge win compared to zero boxes over 2 years, you know? And I want her to... not blow money on random shit when we're barely getting by

Like, she was saying to me how even the people who she thought were really doing well in her writer's group are only making like $500 a month and it's like... yeah... it's a really hard field to make money in. Write shit you want to write because you want to write it, and stop losing money trying to make money and maybe help me clean... ever

Then my grandma... my mom feels bad about getting slipped a bit of money for groceries each month and it's like... tough shit

For one thing, my grandma has literally cost me like thousands of dollars over the years by pushing my mom to make dumb ass choices and then I have to pay for it

For another, I can give you an example of my grandma being bad with money from literally yesterday

She bought me this fucking "Izog" or whatever shirt for fucking $50, and it's a cheap piece of plastic shit that she blew the kind of money that could feed me for a week on

I've begged her not to buy me clothes. I've told her I don't need them, I've told her we don't have space for shit (true), I've lied and said my dresser is straight up full. She doesn't care, she's a bored old lady who the only person I ever knew who was as bad with money as she is... was my grandpa, they were a power couple a wasting money, and all she does is watch shit like Dr Phil and then go to marshell's or hobby lobby to buy over priced shit out of boredom

Like she's living the upper class life, meanwhile I've gone hungry my whole life and just... you don't need a fucking sob story or something but like... I think most of us here are not wealthy, and I think you'd probably go fucking feral if you saw how she spends money

Us taking grocery money is the best thing that can be done for that money. Better in my hands than... she literally buys these overpriced pies from safeway, eats them saying "this isn't very good", then buys more of the same brand of pie (they are incredibly bad). Do you see how getting money in my hands is almost a public service?

I don't care how guilty you feel about taking money from your mother, you should feel guiltier about owing your kid... I got bank receipts for $600 in the drawer in front of me, I've lost track of all the more recent stuff she's blown through but like... maybe feel guiltier about how you blow through my $0 income (this is all literally money from the 2020 stimi check) than your spendthrift mom (who I've saved $700 a month by getting rid of your lot rent)

I don't know... I'm just sick of taking care of my mom, and I'm sick that she can't even fucking not listen to shit at max volume, and I'm sick of the fact she can't not make everything about her, and I'm sick of her wracking up debts, and I'm sick of her being like "If I had to live on my own I'd die" and just... fucking give me a gun to blow my brains out so I can get away from her (though she's literally told me if I ever kill myself she'll make it about her too)

I'm tired. I'm probably gonna be able to fix up a lot of things going on in my life so long as the shithead politicians don't totally ruin things. My dad is kind enough to use his inheritance to help me get on my feet now instead of waiting till he dies to hand it over; and while this isn't like a truly life changing amount of money like a million, and it's not even the range that bought me this house, it's a solid stack of money that can get a person a leg up... it's an amount any of you would probably be real fucking grateful to get

I think I can leverage it to cover most stuff and maybe even use it to make it so my stupid worthless lazy ass is actually making some money for once

(And if I'm actually making enough money to cover all my bills then maybe I can finally implement my thirds plan. 1/3 to me for whatever, 1/3 into my house, and 1/3 to help other people with)

I've got mine, I've almost got it solidified enough that I can start trying to move into helping everyone else get theirs but... fucking hell I want to get away from my mom

I don't like... I don't know what I want there. I can't let myself emotionally connect enough to my mom enough to even know. Probably not wishing she'd die or anything, don't know that I'm even wishing for no contact. Just like... not this... not still fucking raising her after all these years

Stop being a baby, stop making it all about you. You're over 50, grow up, stop making your kid take care of you and throwing a tantrum

At least I can talk to my dad enough to say that I straight up would rather he be living nextdoor than in my house. Like I can say that without him taking it as an insult or feeling like he's not welcome, cause he just gets that while I like him he also can drive me nuts and it would be nice if I saw him a couple times a day instead of running into him in the halls... so we can make shit work

(Though I'm not looking forward to having to mediate between the two of them because my dad's a clueless dumbass and my mom's a hyper defensive asshole)

I don't know... I'm just fucking tired. Honestly I just tell myself that I'm trying to get the house in better condition and then maybe do some investing (which I hate cause I consider it rich people gambling... but if it makes me money I'll compromise my morals) to leave behind a passive income for the person I'm gonna leave the house to

...now that also happens to leave me set up to have the house in better condition and hopefully some passive income should I keep being too stupid and lazy to kill myself... but that's how it is

Just fucking wish my mom didn't live in my house, but I'm barely stitching together a working situation as is, barely scraping by using her disability check and even if I was good, that's not enough for her to live off of on her own... and then there's the whole "I'll die if I ever have to live alone again" emotional blackmail bullshit

Come kill me, get a free house and the money that's coming my way. Like there's some hurdles you gotta pass, you gotta make me feel like I'd trust you to look after the friends who've got an invite here if you need it despite being willing to kill me, and you gotta agree to look after them and the cats but... we'll make it very clear it's not your idea, it's mine... I'm the monster pressuring you to do this... come get a free house for the price of a mercy kill

That or I need to fucking stop being a coward and do it myself, fix what a lazy stupid worthless bastard I am

Well, whatever this is, there it is. That's how I feel about shit. I'm tired. I'm also probably totally spoiled and once again fumbling having an easy life... I don't know. I'm pretty worthless shit... I'm fucking starving and... man I hope my mom took me seriously when I said the cat food needs ordering NOW! and that I'd pay for it if I had to, cause they're getting low too

I just don't much care for being alive, and I'm sure I'll sort things out and this will all work out well for me but... I'm fucking tired of being a damn parent to my parents and... just fucking leave me alone and let me rest

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

10/29/23

He almost stopped talking to me today. He said I am making him feel guilty for continuing to flirt with me. I was just making him feel bad because he is not ready yet.

I just need to be his friend right now, not his bitter ex. He wants me as his friend and says he can still see us together in the future. I am not going to give up, he tried to tell me to move on but I don't think he means it.

He said in the future he would give me another chance and believes I could change. He just wants to know if he is capable of changing. He says he wants more privacy in his life but then he also says he doesn't post her bc he's afraid it will hurt me. He also said the nut thing is still true and that they didn't do it, but ig he could be lying, at least he's being nice about it now.

He says he's not supposed to be talking to me still but that he cares about me and wants to. I love him so much and told him about how I feel like I always need to tell him because you never know what could happen in a day. But that worry is part of my anxiety.

He's gotten help and gotten better and now I'm the one crumbling mentally and just leaning on him too much. He knows how much he was a burden before. He says I stressed him out when he was here and now I stress him out when he's not even here anymore. I feel dumb for bringing up the toys and now that's probably a sour thing. Idk what to think. He's still considerably messed up and so am I.

He says he just wishes I had paid more attention to him and given him more little times. I don't know why it felt like I gave him everything I had but it's not about how I feel, it's about how he felt/ saw/ interpreted things.

I can't keep giving him fuel to throw back at me, even if I want to say something questionable I just have to bite my tongue because I don't want him to think of me negatively. I wish I was doing better but I'm not. Just need to focus on what is good.

Edit: also the fact that he called himself a man child lol that has never crossed my lips but he said it. He sees that his "randomness" is not always practical and said that most of the time it's childish things. He talked about how he has random ideas but doesn't say anything bc he doesn't have a penny to his name so he knows someone else would just end up paying for it. I wonder if this ever crossed his mind when we were together bc he would always say things and I would get frustrated when it just always became me paying for everything and it was stressful. Stressful because when I didn't have the money or didn't want to particularly spend it on whatever he was saying, it would only cause friction and I don't know why he couldn't see it from my pov.

Also if we ever get back together, he loves to say that I didn't make time for him to take me on dates when he had money/ got paid..... Boy has no money saving skills at all he couldn't even save the money for a few days until I was free.... Wtf but just saying if we ever get back together he better be ready to live up to that. When he gets paid I'll be hitting him up for sure since he said that's always what he wanted to do..... Bruh but whatever lol. This shit is mind boggling but once again, this is how he interpreted things so I can't change how he viewed the situation, especially after I already told him that makes so sense literally.... It's called planning a date. Spontaneous is fun but it's just not always practical and I mean really once you have kids and stuff, it gets even less practical but again....... whatever.

One day at a time... he knows how you feel about him so don't need to continually bring it up. In fact don't bring it up for at least one week.

- Don't ask "when" anything he doesn't fucking know

- Don't say anything about her because I AM not going to change his mind lol,,, she can do that herself,,, be patient. It might take a year or two but she's gonna see he's something else.

- So let's say he changes and she really gets the better version... be patient you're in this for the long run queen.

(But also fuck him for not changing for you because you are actually a fucking queen to die for so fuck him, get cheated on bitch)

- Stop always saying I wish it was me, he knows. Use this sparingly, bc sometimes you don't wish it was you lmao.

- "Her parents love me" ...... um yeah bc you're actually stable now congrats you're doing the bare minimum finally ffs. Instead of literally causing drama at every fucking event. Literally still talking about having beef w Claude like just try not to?? Jfc my family is not just a bunch of fucking monsters gd you'd rather be friends with someone you just said treats women like shit, gotcha... wtf talk about fake at least my parents were genuine assholes like come on which do you want??

- Ok this is a lot better than texting him and I should really do this more often bc I can really just let loose. This journaling shit will be good for me, I just need to stick to it ❤️ I can do my roller coaster of emotions without a live audience 😂

[neonvoidcaster]

So I was thinking about mmos today and why I don't really play them much or anything like them now a days. Buckle in folks, this is going to be a wee rant of mine about them.

MMOs now a days to me just don't catch my interest or attention anymore, I mean, I try to occasionally play them, like ff14, but that last only a week at best until I don't touch it again for a long while. The reason being is a few things and I'll list them.

1. The needless grinding.

I mean, I get it you have to do things to level up, or to get somewhere or something, and that's perfectly fine. But to me, when it comes to a game that has so much of it, and it's just feels so tedious and if a game has a lot of grinding in it, my attention to it goes out the window in the first hour. I don't mind a little grinding, but please don't have it be so much. I want to enjoy the game as a game, not something that would remind me of how work can be.

2. FOMO

This. I hate this so much. I hate having to feel like "hey, if you don't do this thing in this amount of time to get that one item or cosmetic, you'll be shit out of luck!" And initially, I was like that when I first played a mmo, and it was anxiety inducing. But now, I don't really care anymore, but I still hate the idea that if you don't spend all your time in this game - and this goes back to the grinding point - you just aren't good and you don't get something you like. And you know, I have a job that has me working from 8 hours up to 12 hours, and that's on a good week, so I can't really set the time aside to be doing stuff like this.

3. Having to pay money to get something or to advance

I'll admit, I've been guilty of this before...a few times. But I learned my lesson, being how dumb it is that some folks have to feel like you have to pay to advance to something or somewhere, or you'll be stuck for a good long while and it's like "really?" I shouldn't have to feel like I have to pay more for something that some silly little thing that's just a cosmetic.

Call me a casual gamer, and I'm fine with that, but I want to enjoy something on my own time, at my own pace, and in my own way, rather how its supposed to be or how someone says you're supposed to (which would be for another rant at another time) I'll just stick to games like DF and GG: Strive in the meantime. Thanks for reading, have a good day everyone.

[rottingwiththebugs]

well, well um.. you can push me away all you want Ali, but I won’t believe ya until i learn about you for myself! i don’t just believe everything i hear, silly. gotta do my own research, hah- ya know? and hey, even if you do humor me out of sheer boredom, at least I’m entertaining! like your own personal jester in your asks. x-D

terrifier just seems dumb.. though, i guess a lotta horror seems that way to me!! it makes sense that ya like it, though. ack— in a good way, ‘f course!! it’s over the top and unrealistic. a good way to face your fears in a controlled environment, yah know?

and I’m sorry that you don’t have money to buy silly things! but- but friends buy each other stuff- so maybe uh, maybe we could go shopping one of these days!! and I could buy ya stuff. and we could hang out. if you want to be friends, that is!! hah, unless that’s stupid. sorry-

oh! oh yeah!! strong flavors tend to keep me grounded which is why I offered that. spearmint is STRONGG, keeps my brain occupied. though I tend to forget I’m chewing gum, so I end up chewing a piece of rubber for hours at times!! pain uh- I think pain would bring anybody outta their head. im hoping you don’t hurt yourself too, too bad. have you tried that uh! that thing where you flick your wrist with a rubber band! or does that not help?

and - and thank you! I try. to stay empathetic, I mean. I don’t wanna loose myself ‘cuz of what I’ve gone through. I think I’m empathetic, i feel other peoples feelings so strongly, and hell- I feel for inanimate objects. i know they’re not actually going to get upset if i leave them, but I still feel guilty!

hawkmoths are some of the interesting moths, and you’re one of the most interesting people I’ve had the pleasure of speaking with! they also match your whole aesthetic , with the skull on its neck n’ all!

HAH! i meeaaan, maybe, if i know you’re not gonna spend it on dumb shit! gotta make sure I’m making a good investment, ya know? still, I’m not as cool as you! 🐜

but- I don’t understand. I don’t follow. it doesn’t compute— you are a good person!!!!! you listen to me talk when nobody has for fucking years! you answer every question, you actually like me, and make me feel like my words are worth something, and I feel like that in itself makes you worthy of kindness and care.. for dealing with me. loneliness is scary, and it makes ya think ya dont deserve connection—, but let yourself have this without thinkin’ there’s ulterior motives!! if I didn’t wanna talk to to ya, I wouldn’t!

too sappy, antsy! roll it back, reverse—

the terrifier films are a bit boring to me if I’m being honest,, I watched the first 20 minutes of the first terrifier and turned it off because I felt like the real horror was the braincells I was loosing!! @_@

ahh, but I’m not gonna yuck your yum!! you’re havin’ fun with them and that’s good! that’s okay!! do you own any merch from that franchise?

OOH !! what was your favorite movie as a kid? do you still like it now? i dont think i can ever stop liking something once I start, i still love the The Nightmare Before Christmas as much as I did the first time I watched it as a lil’ kiddo!!

and- and I think gum counts as candy, actually!!! my favorite gum flavor is strawberry. funny how it’s a opposite to yours, huh? oh , ya- I like spearmint gum whenever I need to feel grounded. its such a strong flavor, it pulls me outta any itchy scratchy yucky thoughts and makes me feel more in-tune with my surroundings!! maybe you should try that. ^_^

I have a stupid amount of stuffed animals, all thrifted!!! i buy all my clothes from the thrift, so sometimes i’ll see a cute little stuffed animal peeking out from the toy area , and then i feel bad leaving them behind! like, im not a monster!! somebody left them behind and i’ll take em home!! i have too , too many. my bed’s completely overtaken by them!!

my favorite stuffed animal I’ve got’s of a death-head hawkmoth. i think that you’d like them, they give off a similar vibe to you!!! the moth, not the stuffed animal. they’ve got a skull on their backs and they’re black-brown n’ yellow!!! you’d think they’re rad. they remind me of you.

and, woah— right on the money ,, I didn’t know I was that obvious! I didn’t mean to spam-like your stuff. you just.. you’re cool and I got overexcited about learning things about you.

- guess anonymity is over,, @rottingwiththebugs 🐜🐜

nah, i'm not a good person. if you actually knew me, you'd know i'm the vilest piece of shit disguised. just because i let you talk and i answer your questions doesn't mean i'm a good person. it means i'm...lonely. bored.

yeah, the terrifier films aren't to everyone's taste. they're actually stupid as fuck. but the gore keeps me from disassociating, so i like it. i don't own any merch, i'm too broke for that. i'd love to, like, dress up as art the clown one day. that'd be funny. and i'd actually feel okay going outside for once. people would be scared of me instead of the other way around.

sure, i'll try the spearmint gum thing. i don't know if it'd help, though. pain is one of the things that keeps me the most grounded. kind of ironic. since pain is the whole reason i have this fucked up brain in the first place.

it's cute you have so many stuffed animals. you're hella empathetic, you know? i mean—i think you are. don't know if you'd agree. if i'm making it up or something. we're talking through a fucking screen. but, yeah, the hawkmoth thing is sweet. i don't know how i remind you of them—again, the fucking screen thing—but it's nice to actually be thought of.

right on the money, huh? does that mean i win some? only half joking. but i've looked at your blog and your pretty cool, too. i mean, you're talking to me so you must be awesome. joking.

[iheartliquor]

A SUNDAY IN HELL

[thesoftestmess]

:/

[bazthefirstborn]

SUB NANAMI FIC !!!!!

yes hello today I am here in accordance to the (respectful) demands of @saelipse to write a sub nanami fic <333333 ty for the ideas sae :)

househusband nanami bc yeah

---

banner: it's u/cutieheaders :D

MDNI READ AT YOUR OWN RISK <3

tags: sub nanami, (obviously) dom reader, a lot of plot before the smut (I wanted to make it fluffy too hehehe)

Nanami was tired. Tired of working in a field that he didn't get joy out of, and tired of working overtime time and time again. That's when you came along. Your presence was refreshing. You weren't overly polite because he was in a position of power, but you weren't at all deterred by his work. You supported him through all of his trials and tribulations, and for that, he was immensely thankful.

So, naturally, when he brought up the idea of retiring, you were all for it.

"I'm so happy I get to have a little househusband to come home to." You purred, making Nanami shiver. Even though you both had made jokes about him staying at home, he knew it would be better for both of you.

Fast forward a few months, you and Nanami have settled into a good routine, considering your rather grueling schedule. There was one important thing you had recently had to factor into your home time with Nanami. Overtime. The dreaded "O word" was like a swear in your house.

You had worked overtime every day this week, and it was finally Friday, and you had already taken the next week off to make it up to Nanami. You had a plan to propose to him that weekend, so you were uncharacteristically nervous when you got home. Nanami had been packing your suitcases for the trip, so when you got home, you could leave. You drove the 40-minute commute home, and, the second you got home, you were bombarded by a very affectionate (and beet red in the face) Nanami.

"Well hello to you too, darling." You said, laughing and shaking him off. "What's got you so worked up tonight?"

"Just missed you is all." He grumbled quietly, burying his head in your neck. "You've been working late all week. We've hardly spent any time together."

You kissed his head before replying, "I know love, I'm so sorry. I hate working late just as much as you do." He let go of you, and put his forehead against yours.

"No more work this weekend."

"Promise?"

"I promise, my love. Pinky promise."

So, here we are now. A small cabin in Yuzawa, with a little private hot spring for the two of you. It was luxurious, but simple enough for Nanami to feel less guilty about spending your money.

"I could have helped pay for this, you know." He said, clearly grumpy.

"I know, but this is a treat for you too, baby. I wanted to show you how much I appreciate you." You replied, pulling him into a quick hug.

"Yeah, yeah, you love me, yadda yadda yadda, it's fucking cold. Can we go in now?" He snarked, ducking out of your hug.

"Damn. Touchy, touchy. What did I do you, Kento? Did I love on you too hard?" You said lightheartedly, giggling at his face.

"Whatever. Can we go inside please? I'm actually freezing out here."

"Of course, love. Let the vacation begin!"

Fast forward to that night, you two were watching a movie on the couch, with Nanami sitting in between your legs. He had been touchy all day, sitting on your lap, kissing you all over, and touching you a lot more than usual. So, when you suggested a movie, he was quick to oblige and sit so he was practically on top of you, with your chin on his shoulder.

About 30 minutes into the movie, he began to shift around in his seat. Since he was in your lap, you noticed pretty much immediately. At first, it was a little twitch, then it became... more. By the time the credits were rolling, he was grinding his ass on your cock.

"Kento?"

He gulped, breathing heavily. "Yes Y/N?"

You smirked, before playing dumb, "Are you feeling okay? Do you need something?"

---

Nanami could practically hear the shit-eating grin in your voice. Fuck. I hoped they wouldn't notice.

"No... I want..."

"What baby? Use your words." You said. turning him to face you. Now that you could see his face, he was flushed and his pupils were dilated. Following his eyes to his crotch, you could see a very evident tent in his pants. You smirked and grabbed his chin to force him to look at you. He whimpered. "You want what, love? You know I only accept verbal answers." You smiled, and cupped his bulge with your hand. He moaned, loud and needy.

"Fuck- I need- Anh! I need you Y/N! Please!"

"You have me. I'm right here." You said, teasing him.

"I nee- shit- I need your cock sir! I need it! Please! I've been so good all week!"

How could you deny him when he asks so nicely?

"Of course, my good boy. This is your reward, after all."

end note: to be continued lolz

IM SORRY ILL HAVE THE FILTHY PART OUT SOON

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What would happen if you were sent back and ended up in the orphanage with Tom Riddle—and say you also had magic?

Oh boy.

Well, there's a lot to question here. Judging by the... spirit of this ask, I presume I'm... pretty much reincarnated. I'm in the orphanage, I'm much younger than I am now and a child, I'm pre-Hogwarts age, and I retain my current knowledge.

For the purpose of this ask I suppose I also retain my current mental faculties. Despite being in the body of an eight-year-old, I'm not The Carnivorous Muffin at eight.

Welp, there's a lot to consider here.

First, I probably don't realize I'm in Harry Potter for quite some time and instead assume I've been reincarnated to some parallel universe. It's the 1930's, I'm in England in the depression, WWI has occurred and the vast majority of major historical events I know about seem to have happened in the right order, and this Earth is eerily similar to the Earth I left behind.

Strange that I appear to remember everything of my past life with my adult mental abilities, but alright universe, I guess that's how we're going to play this.

What I do know is that I'm dirt poor, presumably still a woman which does not bode well for my career prospects, and if I want any prospects in life period I'm going to have to fight tooth and nail for it. It'd be great if I got adopted to help with this, and might be nice to have people in my life who love me, but there's a lot of orphans in the world and a lot of orphans who are much less weird than I am.

The orphanage is the orphanage and not great, Mrs. Cole is overworked, the orphanage is chronically understaffed, and the kids are running wild beating the shit out of each other.

Being a girl, I probably don't have to worry about getting the shit kicked out of me quite as much, but I still probably try to keep my head down and don't aggravate the particularly beefy looking orphans.

Yes, there's some very angry gremlin named Tom Riddle around who will shove you down the stairs in retribution, but that's just a weird coincidence. And then supernatural shit starts happening. Billy's rabbit hangs itself, people get injuries when Tom is nowhere near them, and I start wondering if this is really the Tom Riddle.

I'm in Wool's Orphanage, my matron is Mrs. Cole, Tom Riddle is running around lighting things on fire. It's possible, though it could all be a strange coincidence.

Now, how things go from here depends on how controlled my own magic is. Since accidental magic typically does manifest at least once or twice, it probably does manifest for me for.. something. If Tom Riddle's there to witness it then...

Well, I imagine he's very offended. Here he was, special, different, better than everyone else, and then some girl in the orphanage (who dares to get very good grades on her assignments in school) has it too.

And I just stand there, smiling, going "Tee hee".

He probably confronts me to prove that he's better at it than I am, and he probably is unless the universe hates both him and me, but having someone else with the Shining around probably prompts him to take me as his protégé (in part so he can show off and in part because he's genuinely excited to be able to share this super cool talent).

I am now apprentice to eight-year-old Tom Riddle. Whoop de doo.

Well, I don't remember this part of Harry Potter, so now I'm probably confused as to where I am again. Regardless, I try to advise Tom on how to tone it down and not, say, traumatize Amy and Dennis for life and antagonize all the other orphans forever. He probably doesn't take me seriously. What do I know, I can't even light that patch of grass on fire?

Hanging around Tom Riddle gets me a reputation to, given the difference in genders, probably a fairly nasty one at that. When Dumbledore arrives he's undoubtedly told hot gossip about how eleven-year-old Tom and I have had sex in a ritual to summon Satan. Dumbledore takes this seriously.

Dumbledore probably meets us both at the same time and it's a disaster. I tried my best to prep Tom without revealing I'm a prophet, Tom first doesn't believe there might not be others, then doesn't believe they would be antagonist/anything but amazed by how awesome he is.

Well, Dumbledore lights his wardrobe on fire while I sit there. Dying inside. Dumbledore probably also does something to me too, to teach me some kind of lesson about something.

I imagine he temporarily disfigures me/makes me appear very ugly, then sticks a mirror to the wall, that way I realize that looks aren’t everything/being a whore is wrong. Tom, still traumatized over the wardrobe, is no help and my magic’s probably not controlled enough to do a thing about it.

I spend a day looking like a pig, Tom and I are given just enough money to buy new wands and second hand/barely functioning everything else and given the world’s worst directions to Diagon Alley. Thanks, Albus.

Well, months pass, we get our wands, Tom gets excited for Hogwarts and I... start seriously considering the future. WWII is coming, the Blitz is coming, Tom and I live in east London and must be able to evacuate during the bombing of London (which went on well past the Blitz to the end of the war). I also start considering my future in the wizarding world. Do I now actually have career prospects?

Probably not because I’m muggle born and a woman. My best bet is doing very well in useful subjects and finding employment with the goblins, I can’t imagine they have the same hang ups as the wizarding world.

Tom wants to go to Slytherin, of course, I tell him this is a bad idea. “Gee Tom,” I say, “Not sure how I know this but I have this feeling that Slytherin is filled with people who loathe our very existence and will shank us. Why don’t we pick Ravenclaw or Gryffindor instead?”

No one shanks Tom Riddle! Tom says. Tom is still eleven and while he admits that sometimes I may, in retrospect, have been right about certain things that doesn’t mean he wants to go to the house known for hard work. That’s code word for everyone there being a moron and having no other redeeming features than tenacity. As for the other two, Ravenclaws sound like smug, elitist, nerds and Gryffindors like dumb jocks.

Better to be known for ambition, cunning, and actually being competent.

Well, there’s no talking him out of this one, and goddamn it we’re all each other has.

I’m the closest thing Tom Riddle has ever had to a friend in all these years and in the orphanage the only one who could hold a decent conversation with him. And while it’s not my moral obligation to keep Tom from becoming a domestic terrorist, and there’s no guarantee I even can, dumping him for one of the other houses and drifting apart won’t help.

Not to mention that, after all these years, I’m undoubtedly lonely, I’m in this foreign land, and he’s now the closest thing to a friend I have.

Looks like I’m going to Slytherin, YOOOOOLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO! I shout as a battle cry as tears run down my face. I may have to convince the hat to put me in Slytherin, but like all human beings I am a mixture of many qualities. I’m not cunning in the least, mind games exhaust me unutterably, but I’m full of ambition. 

This confirms every bad opinion Dumbledore had regarding me and Tom.

For the next several months, Tom probably beats the shit out of dormmates who steal his things/harass him. He beats up mine too because feminism (TM) means that he should treat all people equally when guilty of the same crime. I... am not sure I can win that fight so I just resign myself to having to adopt some of Tom’s tactics to make sure I’m not shoved in lockers, have tampons thrown at me, or pig’s blood dumped on me at the prom.

Once again, everyone thinks Tom Riddle and I are dating. I don’t even know if they’re wrong at this point.

Well, being in class with eleven year olds who seem to have had little to no prior education, Tom and I are undoubtedly blazing through class. I imagine I’m bored out of my mind (the Hogwarts curriculum sounds unbelievably boring) and Tom is... well, probably devouring the library but probably also bored. I decide to try and see if I can find some real history texts on this world (there are probably none, the wizarding world seems to only have two historians and both... have a different approach to history than current modern thought as I know it) and discover what magic even is. That shit is fascinating: wingardium leviosa is not.

Dumbledore likely gives neither me nor Tom points in class, I think the house cup is stupid, so I really don’t care. I have no interest in playing quidditch, neither does Tom, so that doesn’t happen.

The second world war starts up, Tom, me, and the muggle borns are the only ones who give a flying fuck. I work harder on figuring out how to get lodging during the Blitz/the bombing of London. Unfortunately, Mrs. Cole hates me too for being the Bride of Satan, so that’s a no go. Third year, 1939, I probably write her in earnest anyway telling her to PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, send Tom and I instructions for the summer/where the orphans are staying/how they’ve been dispersed to the countryside. As a back up plan, I try desperately to shmooze shopkeepers in Hogsmeade during every Hogsmeade weekend to get myself and Tom part time jobs and lodging over the summer. As a back up back up plan, I spend my time badgering Tom to become very good at survivalist wandless magic and if the Lord has pity on me gain some ability in it myself.

Hopefully, either Mrs. Cole or one of the Hogsmeade shop owners take pity on us. If not, then Tom and I are going extreme camping. Given Mrs. Cole (and the brain damage brought on by Dumbledore erasing memories left and right) and the likelihood of Hogsmeade shop owners just not getting it, Tom and I probably go extreme camping.

(Tom, meanwhile, asks Dippet and Dumbledore if we can stay in Hogwarts over the summer. He’s told no exceptions. London’s being bombed, you say? No exceptions. Toodles. Tom is never the same.)

Me, Tom Riddle, a tent we made ourselves, several rabbits we had to catch and skin ourselves, and the pitiful fire that we can keep going through pure will alone because if we try to use real people spells then we’ll get arrested. It has the benefit of making Tom feel very manly and impressive, catching his own food, but both of us are well aware that this sucks.

But hey, we aren’t dead.

Well, I’m sure Tom doesn’t appreciate that and this is where I imagine he seriously starts talking about violent revolution. I imagine much of my time is spent discussing the merits of not violently overthrowing our ant overlords. I imagine a thirteen-year-old Tom isn’t impressed by my pacifism, but he’s not married to Voldemort yet (probably).

Then I imagine the horcrux thing comes up and... Well, I will argue hard against it. Humans die, it is a truth of the universe, and simply something we have to accept. Horcruxes are not a measure against that, they can be destroyed, given infinite time they will be, and the sacrifice they require is too high: human life as well as the very essence of who you are.

What is a soul? I’m not sure, we never really learn in HP canon, but whatever it is, it is in some way the essence of yourself. If you take half of it and throw it somewhere else, you will cease to be you, someone or something else is walking around in your body while the other half of you exists in endless agony.

If you must chase immortality, create a philosopher’s stone (as I darkly wonder why it was that couldn’t be replicated and what Flamel had to do to make it in the first place). On second thought, maybe we should search for the Holy Grail.

Whether I can talk Tom out of this or not is... unclear. I’m going to say that I can, in part because I imagine he’ll want to show the chamber off to me, tell me when he realizes he’s Heir of Slytherin, and in doing so I can prevent the basilisk incident from occurring. Without that, there’s no dead Myrtle, which means no first victim. That summer, when he goes to the Gaunts, I’ll go with him and convince him that it’s not worth it. He can just turn around and leave these people alone, I hopefully can talk him down. Which means no second victim.

I start writing Flamel to see if Tom or I can get an apprenticeship (Dumbledore probably beats us to the chase and poisons him against us, but it’s worth a shot).

Then, should all go well, I can convince Tom to find employment with the goblins rather than shady antique dealers on the bad side of town. Hopefully, I can convince him to never become Voldemort, and instead we travel the world together looking for the origins of magic or something.

Dumbledore goes around taking people’s memories of us in preparation for when Tom becomes a dark lord and I his lady of the night darkness.

TL;DR Apparently my life would become an SI/Tom Riddle fic. So, thanks anon.

[itgirlification]

supermodel (2) | jjk

your story with jungkook never seems to end, yet you’re still worried about how it’s gonna end.

pairing: ex-bf!jk x thick!reader

warnings: TOXIC (i cannot stress this enough shit is hella toxic), yn is kinda (very) dumb, jungkook is an actual asshole, borderline mental abuse, infidelity, more insecuritiiiies, mentions/hints of sex, etc.

part one part three

There you were in his arms again, with only your panties and his shirt on.

At this point, you couldn’t even explain yourself. You were guilty, but you know what they say; love hurts.

With his arms wrapped around you and you clinging to him like that, you couldn’t care less about what was gonna happen next. You knew you were probably gonna have a mental breakdown when you go back to the dorms but for now, you were okay.

After he came over that night, he contacted you again. He said he didn’t want this to be serious, he wanted it to be a solely sexual relationship.

“You know, you’re the first girl I’ve been with, who seems to like getting hurt and degraded”, he sighs against your hair. “Sometimes I feel like you can’t get enough of it.”

You stayed silent. What were you supposed to do anyway? Tell him he’s right and stay like this for a while or react defensively and start an endless argument? You chose the first one.

“You’re the only woman that’d let me do all this stuff and still love me. Maybe that’s why I came back to you.”

Holding back the tears, you cling closer to his larger body, as if you were using him as some kind of shield. He thought you were an easy target and forgiving. What else would a man want from a woman he was only interested in fucking, a side piece? Even if she’s in love with him, she was gonna ignore that just to spend as much time with him as possible.

“It’s not like you actually came back.”, you responded, keeping your voice as stable as you could. “We’re just fucking.”

Jungkook sighed deeply, most likely noticing your petty undertone. “Don’t be like that. We aren’t fucking right now.”

You weren’t sure what point exactly he was trying to prove, you agreed to be his side chick. Did he think you didn’t know what a side chick was supposed to do? Because you did know, you just secretly thought you guys were meant to be, you weren’t just some side piece.

Looking around the motel room, your stomach began feeling weird. He wasn’t usually cheap, but you guessed he thought a side chick didn’t deserve a better environment than a cheap motel room rent for a night.

“Because we literally just did.”, you calmly said. You weren’t trying to piss him off.

But Jungkook wasn’t having it. Out of nowhere, he shoved you aside and put his hands over his face, noticeably frustrated.

“What happened?”, you weren't sure if asking that was the best option.

Jungkook turns his body to you. “What happened?? You keep on fucking me up and being a bitch about all this and you ask me what happened?”

He was so furious, his eyes were dark and his face was screwed up. You were now both standing, his tall figure towering over yours.

You saw his hand forming a fist and it would’ve been a lie if you said you weren’t terrified. He hasn’t touched you once throughout your relationship, but you never know.

“I didn’t even say anything. Maybe you’re just a little too sensitive.”, you were pouring salt on a wound at this point, but you didn’t want to be weak and let him talk to you like that.

“Me, sensitive?”, his tone was dangerously serene, as he leaned closer to your face. “If I wasn’t here with you, you'd probably still be crying over me. And you know where I’d be? Laying in bed with the beautiful model I have the privilege to call my girlfriend. Yn, I don’t need you. Don’t get bold with me, ‘cause we both know who’s gonna be heartbroken in the end.”

You couldn’t look him in the eyes, what did you get yourself into again? This wasn’t Jungkook’s fault, this wasn’t anybody’s fault but yours. You should’ve never opened up, you should’ve never said yes to being his side piece, you should’ve never been his girlfriend, to begin with. You stayed silent, but your loud sniffs and your uneven breathing said more than you could at the moment.

“I’m leaving.”, he announced coldly before throwing his black leather jacket over his broad shoulders, leaving you half-naked, crying on the poor-quality motel bed you just had sex on. When he got out of the motel room, you looked outside of the small window, watching him leave in the car he drove you here with.

Now, you had no other option than to call Jane to pick you up since your dorm was a half an hour walk away from the motel and you didn’t have the energy to walk for even a minute.

You weren’t sure if you had the energy for all the questions Jane was gonna ask you when she sees your mascara smeared face and your messy hair. Not to mention the motel. You weren’t a motel type of girl and she knew that.

Still, you called her and she answered almost immediately. “Yn? What happened? I thought you were gonna sleepover at your parents’?”

Sleepover at your parents’ house? You had almost forgotten the bad lie you told Jane just to have sex with Jungkook in this cheap-ass motel. And to think you were convinced you two were gonna stay the whole night.

“Uh”, you quickly coughed to cover up the voice cracks you got from crying. “Yeah, it’s a long story, please pick me up. I’ll text you the address.”

About 10 minutes later, Jane arrived and looked at you like you were out of your mind when you got into the car. “Yn, what the fuck? I was so worried about you. And this isn’t your parents’ house, this is a fucking motel. Did you meet a guy? Did he do something to you? Should I call the cops?”

“No, no, no, oh my god, please don’t”, you knew she was gonna ask a lot of questions. “I lied to you. So what actually happened was me and Jungkook reconnected an-“

She rolled her eyes. “Of course it was Jungkook. So I’m guessing he left you here?”

You hesitantly nodded.

“So when were you gonna tell me you ‘reconnected’ with him? When did you even ‘reconnect’ with him?”, she mockingly asked you. You weren’t blaming her for being pissed off, you’d have been too in this situation.

“A month ago? I think..”, you muttered.

“Hm”, Jane nodded, sighing at your naivety. “And when did he even break up with his model chick?”

You awkwardly looked away and Jane was hoping it wasn’t because of what she thought.

“He didn’t break up with her??”, Jane was beyond frustrated. “So.. you’re like his side chick now? Are we gonna stoop that low for men, yn?”

Jane always wanted the best for you and you knew she knew what was the best for you too, you were just too foolish. And too in love with a man you can’t force into loving you again.

“I know but please can we not talk about this right now? I just don’t feel like it.”, you asked, looking down on your fingers, ashamed of yourself.

“Alright, I’m sorry, babe.”, Jane hugged your side quickly, before starting the engine and heading back to the dorm. “You know I just want what’s best for you.”

You nodded, looking out of the window with your head full.

_

“Bella just texted me and said her birthday party will be 90s themed? Can’t she be a little more specific?”, Jane barged into the room, looking down on her phone in disbelief.

Bella was a person you two met at college in one of your shared classes. She was a sweetheart, but she was a little spoiled too. The only reason why she got into the college was that her rich daddy bribed them, but you couldn’t be mad, your parents would’ve done the same if they had the money.

She was extremely extroverted, a people person. She probably never had a boring day in her life with all the parties she threw whenever her dad and his 20 something-year-old girlfriend were on vacation or business trips. She even had some celebrity friends and would just casually post selfies with them on her Instagram story like it was a normal thing to do. She was basically living the dream, clueless about what real life for others really was about.

Jane had a love-hate relationship with Bella ever since they met. She thought Bella was a nice girl, but it was ‘unbearable’ to have a conversation with her because she was too self-centered to talk about anything else than herself.

You shrugged. “Just wear something Aaliyah would’ve worn.”

“Hm. Fair enough. It’s really not all that deep, actually.”, She said. “So what are you gonna wear?”

“I don’t even know if I’m going, Bella’s parties are boring.”, you answered honestly.

You really weren’t sure if you’d go. You did feel like seeing people and having a little fun but it wasn’t like you ever had fun at any of Bella’s parties. One time, a guy puked all over a new dress you bought just for the party, and another time, you were forced to drink 4 beer bottles. You hated beer.

“Why not? It’s gonna be fun and you’re coming.”, she decided for you, making you playfully roll your eyes. “And wear that black latex dress, I haven’t seen it on you in forever.”

To say that Jane was a fashionista would be an understatement. She was too invested in fashion to be bothered with anything else.

“Alright, but only if we don’t stay for long.”, you tried to compromise with her.

She nodded. “We gotta buy her presents though. Is there even anything she doesn’t have?”

You sighed, annoyed. “C’mon, there’s gonna be at least 200 people at that party, it’s not like she’ll notice if we just don’t get her anything. Besides, she’s rich as fuck.”

Jane snickered at your comment. “Girl, you must not know her, she checks every damn person and probably throws them out if they don’t buy her a Chanel bag or something. Bitch is a little crazy.”

It was amusing because you both knew that was exaggerated. Bella wasn't that serious about gifts. But let’s just say, for the money that her dad had, she was a little too greedy.

But you were too bothered with your own life than to worry about other's.

_

As soon as you arrived at Bella’s mansion, two security guards were standing in front of the door. They let you in as you showed them your invitations. It was a little bit extra, but that’s just how Bella was.

The first thing you noticed when you entered the house was the smell of sweat and weed. Already? You weren’t really surprised though.

Bella was standing there, wearing a skintight red dress that, ironically, didn’t really fit her own party’s theme. But she did look absolutely beautiful greeting her guests with the biggest smile on her glowing face. She had her strawberry blonde hair down in elegant beach curls and there were some cute butterfly clips placed in them.

You could recognize that it was her birthday from miles away. She was basically shining.

“Oh my god, Jane, Yn!! I’m so happy to see you guys!”, an overly keen Bella came, hugging you both with strength. “Oh, I see you got me something, girls you know you shouldn’t have!”

She tried hiding her smile at the bags in your hands, freeing the two of you from them immediately.

“It’s your birthday, Bella. We can’t just come here without any gifts, girl.”, Jane smiled. “Happy birthday.”

You looked to your side, admiring Jane’s acting skills. “Happy birthday, Bella! I can’t believe you’re 23 now.”

“I know right, if you were a year younger, you’d be as old as your dad’s girlfriend.”, Jane joked around, making Bella hysterically laugh.

“C’mon, almost everybody’s here already”, Bella excitedly pushed you towards the living room.

The room’s stench was even more unbearable than the one at the entrance, leaving you covering your nose for a second leaving out an ‘oof’.

The 90s trap music was heard extremely loudly through the whole house and there were people dancing and grinding. There were some couples that sat on one of the many couches, acting like they were in their own little world. It wasn’t very pleasant to watch, but you just chose to ignore it. The stench was something you couldn’t ignore though.

You were already bored out of your mind.

A few minutes of pure boredom and dry conversations passed then the music stopped playing and you could hear Bella’s voice calling for everybody’s attention. “I’m gonna open the presents now, so everybody come here and Daphne, please bring the gifts here so I can open them.”

Daphne was Bella’s personal maid. She never really talked, but she did everything she needed to. She brought all the bags to Bella one by one and you could’ve sworn she was trying not to cry out of happiness.

“Oh my god, Jackson”, She cried out as she pulled a pair of Saint Laurent shoes out of a box. “These are so beautiful. You even got the right size. Thank you so mu-“

“Bella, I’m so sorry we’re late, we had to run some errands”, a soft-spoken voice interrupted, making everybody in the room turn her way, just to see the charming model with none other than Jeon Jungkook by her side. Wow.

As soon as you turned your head to see who it was, you turned back around, looking at Jane to make sure she saw what you saw. You sent her a questioning, almost panicking look just for her to shrug.

“Yuki! It’s fine, girl. Come here, I’m opening my presents right now.”, The birthday girl exclaimed, making Yuki immediately hand her her gift.

Jungkook was just walking behind his girlfriend, making no type of noise whatsoever and you prayed he wouldn’t see you.

They sat down at an angle where you couldn’t help but look at them though and you were sure he looked at you for a split second as well. They looked beautiful together.

Bella just continued opening gifts and thanking everybody dearly, but you weren’t paying attention to that. You just zoned out for most of it. Those were a lot of gifts she got.

You couldn’t help but steal another glance at your ex-boyfriend and the girl besides him.

She looked even cuter in real life. Her cheeks had a natural blush to them and her hair was long and healthy. She was thin and her skin tone was warm and even.

You’ve always been insecure about your hyperpigmentation, but she didn’t seem to have any problems with how she looked. She was near damn perfect. Perfect wasn’t real, but if it was, it’d be her.

Jungkook probably never had a problem introducing her to his parents or his friends. You always felt like he had difficulties with that while he was dating you. He just wasn’t confrontational enough to tell you he was ashamed to have you as his girlfriend.

You seemed to be stuck in your place while everybody else was either dancing or making conversation.

Jane was sitting next to you, talking to a girl with blond box braids about a new movie that recently came out. You heard what they were saying, but it sounded like a foreign language to you since you weren’t focused.

“Yn? Are you okay?”, Jane whispered in your ear, hugging your shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know they were invited.”

You shook your head. “It’s fine, Jane. It’s not your fault, I just kind of wanna go home.”

She looked at you apologetically. “Can’t we stay for a little while? I promise it won’t take long, I’m just actually having fun here.”

You had to admit you were being selfish, not just in that moment, but whenever it came to Jungkook. You’ve dragged Jane through all of your shit and never really thought about how she must feel like.

Nodding in response to her. “I’m gonna get myself something to drink.”

You finally stood up from your place, looking around unsure, feeling like you’re taking up so much space wherever you go, even when you were doing absolutely nothing.

You wore the latex dress, but only because Jane insisted and made sure you knew you looked good. She convinced you for maybe a second, but all those insecurities were coming back. You tried sucking in your stomach the whole night, but it just wasn’t enough.

You were asking yourself all kinds of questions. If your arms looked too fat and if your cellulite was visible, if your hip-dips were as noticeable to others as they were to you. You felt like everybody was looking and they were judging really hard.

All you wanted was to fade into oblivion.

You were feeling his eyes on your back and god, you wanted to look too but you fought the urge, just continued walking to the bathroom. You weren’t in the mood to drink after all.

Your gut feeling was telling you he was following, but you ignored it.

Until you were about to close the bathroom door and you saw black timberlands stepping between the door and the doorframe to stop you from closing it.

You sighed, opening the door, resulting in him getting in the bathroom with you.

“Why are you avoiding me?”, the handsome man facing you asked, brown eyes looking deep inside of yours.

“How can I avoid you when you didn’t even try talking to me?”, you asked back, looking away immediately.

You hated how your relationship was just a cycle of him hurting you and coming back, acting like he hadn’t done anything wrong. And he was so good at it too.

He chuckled darkly, letting his eyes glide down your body for a second just to look back into your eyes. “You know exactly what I mean, yn. Don’t play dumb.”

You did know what he meant.

“And? It’s not like I have anything to say to you.”

Jungkook came closer to you, softly wrapping one arm around your waist, whispering in your ear. “You don’t?”

You couldn’t believe how shameless he was, being so close to you while his girlfriend was a few meters away, outside of this door, probably thinking he’s getting her a drink or something. You wondered if he did the same thing to you when you were dating.

“Jungkook, stop. Your girlfriend is here.”, you tried to convince yourself you didn’t want it. “How can you even do this?”

“It’s nothing we haven’t done before, princess.”, He kissed your earlobe. “You can’t possibly think it’s okay when she’s not around, but not okay when she is. It’s the same thing.”

You knew he was right, besides, you were just as guilty as he was. You were messing around with a taken guy and the worst part was, you knew he was taken and you still did it.

“I know, but I wanna end whatever this is”, you hesitated to say. “It’s unhealthy and you already have a girlfriend, why don’t you go and kiss her, why me?”

You were avoiding this conversation ever since this started. Sometimes it’s hard talking about things you don’t actually want to hear about.

“What do you mean?”, Jungkook feigned confusion, but you knew better than to believe him. “It’s easier said than done, yn. We have a history together, you know that.”

“I do, but that’s all we are. History. And we should both get over it.”, you responded.

“But what if I don’t want to?”, it was more of a statement than a question, really. “What if I told you, you’re special to me?”

You were gonna have a meltdown if he continued with this. Why was he so fucking complicated? You knew he didn’t love you so what was it?

“But I’m not. The only reason why you come back is because you think I’m easy material. It’s because you were my first everything and it’s because you know exactly how much you mean to me.”, you cry out, tears coming up to ruin your makeup again. You wished you wouldn’t cry as much as you did. “You know I’ll always let you in, no matter what. I know I’m at fault too here and I’m not blaming you, but please for god’s sake, don’t make it worse on me.”

You looked in the mirror, almost not recognizing yourself. You felt detached from reality, but not in a good way at all.

Jungkook scoffed, looking down at you. “I know I shouldn’t have tried talking to you. It’s like you can’t even appreciate anybody showing you affection. I’m trying to prove to you, that you aren’t nothing to me and that’s the response that I get. Not everybody’s against you, yn, you’re just too insecure to notice. That’s why you haven’t ever had anybody showing you interest. It’s because you lack confidence and think the world revolves around you. But I did show you interest. In the past and now. But look at you. You haven’t changed at all, still the little yn who compares herself to other girls and thrives off of male attention, because you can’t believe that somebody could love you just for you when there’s skinnier, prettier girls walking around. So what if there are skinnier, prettier girls around? That’s reality, yn.”

You didn’t know what exactly you expected him to say, but that wasn’t it. Looking at him with big, teary eyes, is that really what he thought of you? Of course, it was. Because it was the truth. The cold, hard truth. Not sugarcoated. He knew you better than you wanted him to.

Without a single word leaving your dry lips, you open the door and run out, ignoring him calling your name and the weird stares people were giving you. You needed to find Jane.

Once you found her joking around with a bunch of random people, you go up to her. You most likely looked like you came out of a horror movie.

“Yn? What the fuck happened?”, she lightly took your face in her warm hands and caressed your cheek worriedly.

“Pl- please, can we just go home?”, you whimpered, thankful that everybody was respectful enough to turn around and focus on their stuff instead of ogling at you.

“Sure, sure. Come here”, she took you in her arms and walked you out of the mansion, not caring to say goodbye to anybody.

_

people who wanted to get tagged in pt. 2:

@1-in-abillion @sarcasmflowsinmyveins @chieftoadturkeynickel @madygswich @kb-bangtanenthusiast

thank you for the support love yall!! 💗

a/n: so i know most of yall probably wanted a happy ending but first of all this probably isn’t the ending:) and i wanted to portray it as realistically as possible. It’s really hard to get out of a toxic relationship especially when you’re so in love with them but i’ll see what i can do to make yn happy cuz girly’s going thru it. Btw this wasn’t proofread so there’s probably so many mistakes and i thought this was very underwhelming but i hope you guys like it thank you!