#but i dont have the energy to clean the spare bedroom because my room is still a mess

[violentviolette]

worst thing ever is when my room is messy so its giving me anxiety and i cant get anything done but also i cant clean the room because im so anxious and cant get anything done. so i just sit in moderate discomfort and distress for 2+ weeks trying to fight the sisyphean task of tidying up my desk

[samarallewis86]

I have the 'tism' been diagnosed since I was 14, would have been earlier, but doctors were less inclined to diagnose girls back then (they also called my high functioning autism, aspergers syndrome back then, anyway) and my family was dealing with my younger brothers stuff, one has epilepsy, adhd, autism, the other had a growth hormone deficiency so i was kinda a back burner issue to get to, ya know, if they found the time, so, 14, depressed, anxious, hating life, school, everything, typical teen.

Anyway, moving on, i have lived with neurotypicals, ppl who know about my autism, ppl who have grown up with siblings with autism, ppl who themselves have autism but were never diagnosed and ppl who had been diagnosed with ocd rather then the blatantly obvious anxiety/panic attacks they were dealing with.

The person who had siblings diagnosed with autism, had grown up around it like myself was the worst room mate i ever had. She ignored everything I told her about how i liked things (my friends moved into my family home after highschool because my parents got a second house on a property to try and help my Autistic brother), so MY FAMILY HOME, that i had lived in for 12 years, which had, my stuff, my belongings, where i had my routine, my friend decided she knew better.

I had a job after highschool looking after disabled ppl in their own homes, i worked over night shifts, i left the house in the afternoons, came home the next morning, typically i had only sundays off as i worked the back half of the week, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

So i was already leaving my comfort zone, to go to a strangers house, help them live a full, active life, and then come home, try and be productive, try and sleep and then go to work.

I came home one morning and my entire kitchen, which had been the same, for 12 years, wad completely rearranged. I couldn't find my coffee, my mugs, my plates, nothing. She changed everything because "its better this way".

I tried to sleep in on Sunday, my day to relax and recharge and rebuild my social batteries. She blasted country music (bad country music) at 7am and started vacuuming the house. At 7am. Because she was awake and had energy and decided to clean.

I had two other housemates and my boyfriend in the house. None of them drove me to murderous rage like she did.

Good friend. Horrible fucking housemate.

Since then i have lived with one friend (the most neurotypical with a few quirks), one of the same friends i shared my house with way back when. We are now in our late 30's (40 is looking pretty close right now) and have lived together since the end of high school, the only time we have lived apart was a year in 2014 when my mum threw us out of the house to renovate and i lived with my grandparents for a year till i went on a 4 month trip to visit friends in the USA. And my grandparents probably would have let her live with us too if she hadn't found a friend to let her stay in a spare bedroom.

My friend understands me, better then almost anyone else (even my mother most days), she knows i forget to hang my washing, so she just puts it in the dryer whenever she finds it and lets me know she did it.

She knows i dont like bright white lights so she bought dimmer lightbulbs i can control on my phone.

She knows i struggle with actually going shopping, i will, i can, i have, i just fucking hate it, so, she asks me to text her my food shopping list and just has it all home delivered.

She knows i forget about paper bills unless they are on the fridge, right in front of my face everyday, so, soon as a bill comes in, it goes on the fridge door.

She plays in multiple orchestral type bands, she plays basically every instrument known to man (our tiny spare room is basically wall to wall instruments) and when she needs to practice for something, she lets me know, usually with a "heads up, theres gonna be noise tonight, ive got that thing on the weekend".

At the height of covid after i was fired and my anxiety sky-rocketed freaking out about paying rent and my already incredibly sick Nanna she bought me a weighted blanket because she knows that even though i run hot at night, i like to have piles and piles of blankets on me.

To bring this to a rambling close, you will never get along with everyone, some people you think will understand you or get you or be like you, they dont, wont, cant and arent. Thats okay.

You just need to find those few who get you, who help you, who dont even give it a second thought, because to them, you arent hard to deal with, you arent hard to manage or difficult, they just slot in beside you like a lego brick and help you build yourself up.

Non-autistics living with autistics:

They keep eating the same freaking food and it frustrates me so much! We can't have the "big scary light" on just lamps everywhere! Even when I try to find peace by doing stuff with them they just ignore me and do whatever they want. They can't even do the simplest of things like go with me to the grocery store every week! How do people expect them to survive in society??

Autistics living together:

So as long as we get my 10 packets of this really specific food, and some snacks, I'll be okay. Also is it cool if you go to the grocery store? I can clean the bathroom since thats bad sensory for you and the store is bad sensory for me. Can you turn on the lamp instead of the big light? It gives me a headache. Thanks man. Yea I'll unplug the TV for you since you can hear the high pitched noise. Do you want to do two separate things in the same room as bonding again this evening? Thats my favorite part of the day too.

[thedappleddragon]

hooooo my fucking god I don't know why but recently my anxiety/sence of dread has SKYROCKETED in the last 3 days, I haven't been sleeping great and last night I had an anxiety dream about manning the register at work. idk I guess today was fine but im so fucking overstimulated I guess?? I seriously just dont fuking know. but anyway here’s a summary of some days that I may or may not remember. putting it under the cut

Wednesday I was exited to work, they didn’t need me, I hung out with my friends at their outdoor band concert and had boba and it got super cold out

Thursday I went with my dad to drop off a car, then we had breakfast together at a little restaurant I had never been to before. He told me about his childhood n stuff. Then I went to work and priced things outside and felt good about helping some people buy plants even tho I didn’t know exactly what I was doing and ended up handing them off to Becky anyway. Got off work, came home, hung out waiting to be able to go visit my friend but she took a while so dad and I made the snack he had a lot as a kid which was just handmade chocolate frosting on graham crackers. Eventually my friend got home so I grabbed one of those graham crackers in some Tupperware and some other stuff and headed out. It was a longer drive than I was expecting but eh whatever, I got there no problem with a bunch of dad’s shit in the back of the car. We had awkward hellos in her apartment and I pet her fat ass cat until she suggested we go thrifting and oh my god I had never wanted to go thrifting more in my life than right then. I had one of those moments where I realized oh I’m an adult who can go out and just DO things :D so we walked around and gossiped in goodwil and had a great time until they closed, whereupon steph frantically looked for anything that was open near us while I drove around. We settled on going to a little park nearby, where we climbed on the tube with holes on it and swung on the swings. Then we walked around a dense tree/brush like and into the middle of a field, having our main character moments as we walked to the top of a hill with a cross on it. I took a picture of the sunset and a selfie with both of us before we walked back through the field and drove back to her apartment. I gave her 2 tiny flower jars and she let me borrow her container of earring hardware and a bunch of different tiny things to make into earrings. I had a great time and I’d love to hang out again, maybe when everything isn’t closed lmao. We joked a lot about understanding why people do drugs lmao since there’s nothing else to do! everything’s closed!! Also some joke flirting mixed in for flavor. We have an excuse to hang out again so I can return her earring supplies and she can return my Tupperware lol. I thought my phone was going to die on the way home before I realized there was a charging cord in the car! Nice. Got home, watched my friend stream plasmaphobia for a bit while I finished a birthday gift, and hung out and slept when she quit streaming. 

Friend’s birthday party day!! Also dad moving day!! The first task of the day was to drive with my dad down to the nearest uhaul to pick up a big ol’ truck, and follow him home in the car while he lead the way in the truck. Then we brought his car full of shit to the apartment, got his key and paid his first month, and looked through everything to do inspection. Tbh it’s a pretty nice apartment, I’d love to spend some time there once it’s a bit more furnished. My favorite part is a Harry Potter style hidey hole closet that’s meant for storage, but it’s the perfect size for a secluded hangout spot for me. I’ll totally let him use it for storage if he wants, I just like sitting in there. I joked that I would let Emily hang out in the spare bedroom and I could get the tiny room. But we spent time cleaning and looking around and bringing in boxes before dad sent me to pick up lunch, my sister, and another car load of boxes. I left to do all 3 and came back with Mcallisters, and we all sat on the floor and ate together. A very nice way to break in a new apartment. We brought in boxes and dad sent us on a quest to pick up a car part and drop it off where the car we dropped off the day before. We got there just fine, but getting to the second location was a nightmare because of all my wrong turns and u turns and no left turns, it was awful. I mean we got there eventually but still. By then it was time for me to get home so I could wash my hair and get ready for the party!! I got everything ready, but my sister wouldn’t be home with the car on time, so I just took my mom’s van. I was on time for once!! But in exchange I didn’t realize I had forgotten Cassidy’s gift until I was like 3 minutes away. But also I found driving my moms van very easy compared to last time I tried to drive it, and I think I’m a much more confident driver now :) but I was one of the first to arrive, accidentally twinned with cass, waited for everyone to show up, met her new dog, and then we all packed up the picnic basket and walked to the top of a hill to have our little sandwiches and play cards against humanity. On the walk there we passed by a park where little kids were asking why we were all dressed up if it wasn’t Halloween, so I shouted at them that it was her birthday and handed them the branch I was carrying. We played CAH on the hill and ate little sandwiches and meatballs and drank sparkling juice and had a lovely time, and when we were done, we walked back to her house where there was pizza and we all changed out of our formal wear. My bra was sewed into my dress with 6 stitches, so I grabbed some scissors and flashed my friend’s cat as I cut my bra free of the dress because I forgot to bring an extra. I changed into my ghostbusters shirt and snake onesie and joined everyone outside for pizza and lots and lots of stories and ice cream cake and gossip and quiplash and balloons and gifts and CAH and friends leaving and new friends arriving and more quiplash and then the grass getting cold and wet and going ham on keeping the balloons up and then playing that’s what she said (basically CAH but ✨for women ✨) and by this time there was a dude I didn’t know but he was very nice and cute and already taken. Tbh I didn’t know half the people there, there was a group of 4 cool alt people I had never met and then the 4 band kids I already knew but everyone else seemed to know each other and they all had great energy so I yelled a lot and joked a ton and had an amazing time. As the crowd dwindled and the night got cooler, I helped put things away before I left so I could be a nice guest, said my goodbyes, gathered my things, and drove home past midnight. Ask walked around the house turning off lights like my mom asked, I realized that my dad wouldn’t be sleeping here anymore, and I felt bad that he had to spend the night all alone in his new apartment :( and this is going to be a huge financial burden that idk if he can afford, rent for the apartment is almost as much as my mom pays for the house. Jejdjgjt this is all a mess and I would like to go back to ignoring it all <3 Listened to a lot of two trucks by lemon demon lmao

Hoo boy howdy I did a lot of shit today. Basically as soon as I woke up I got a text from dad about us helping him move with a promise of donut holes and a fruit platter. I walked out to the garage to find our family friends the drakes helping to move boxes, so we all spent several hours loading boxes into our cars and driving back and forth from the house to the apartment, with emily and I avoiding the drakes as much as possible lmao. When we had moved as much as we could in the car, we started loading up the uhaul, shoving as much shit in there as possible so we only had to do one trip there and back. Partially through unloading the truck the drakes stopped cleaning things before we brought them in left and some randos from dad’s work came to help unload and somewhere in the middle of all this our aunt and uncle and her service dog came to visit?? Bruh idk so much stuff happened. Emily asked me to take her home so she could work on school stuff and we put things back into the garage and I went back to the apartment to help with stuff and hang out with my aunt while my dad and uncle returned the truck. We made a list of stuff I might need for college and I wrote it down on a notepad and most of the page space was taken up by ponies tbh. The men brought back burger king and eventually my aunt and uncle left. I helped my dad clean up and set up his wifi and we watched mama Mia. It was my first time seeing the film, and it was really dang fun. Then I made dad drive me ho e since emily was still gone with the silver car. I’ll spend he night over there eventually, but not yet. I’m exited to eventually invite friends over since I’ve never been able to do that before. So now I’m home trying g to go to sleep so I can work tomorrow. I keep thinking about smoking weed and making out with someone in the hidey hole in dad’s apartment............ even tho I have literally no one to do that with afsagssg I’m a CHILD. 

Had dreams last night about being stuck on the infinity train again, except there was a mechanic of switching the world between 2d and 3d and the cast of Bluey had to help bingo go through stages of grief / character moments to help her get off the train or something. I was tossing and turning for a few hours anxiously waking up thinking I was gonna be late and going back to bed so I could sleep/dream more. But then I finally got up, fed my cat, fed myself, helped clean the kitchen a little bit, got ready for work, arrived 15 minutes late on accident, worked register for 6 hours, got more comfortable with register and learned how to do stuff, lots of friendly people, lots of me struggling and my bones hurting, dad brought me food but I couldn’t get to my lunch break until everything was room temperature. The chicken sandwich reheated well but the fries did not. After work dad and I stopped by the house, I got an info card to fill out so I can be called in for jury duty eventually, dad handed me $50 for dinner for us and my sister, we laid on the floor and looked at the noodles and company menu, drove there, picked up our food, had a lovely dinner at dad’s apartment, laid around while he talked to Greg on the phone, went to target to pick up small apartment things like a clock and a trash can and some small groceries but it made me nervous because I hate spending money and watching my dad spend money he may or may not have, and by then we were tired as shit and after dropping his stuff off emily and I drove home and I tried teaching her how to crochet for a school project. Now I’m hanging out wanting to go to bed and thinking about how everybody else my age working at ACE is doing like 60 hours a week with 2 jobs and saving for college and I’m just sitting here with probably 14 hours a week and fuck. I don’t want to spiral into shit, I just want to keep busy as much as possible. Maybe I’ll ask for as many work hours as possible, maybe I’ll ask my friends to hang out, idk. Right now I jut want to be busy so I don’t have to think about anything. I’ll spend as much time as possible helping my dad set up his apartment, I don’t care.

WAAAAA TODAY AT WORK WAS SO STRESSFUL, I LEFT FELLNG SO FRAZZLED IT SUCKED. basically I worked register for 4 hours but they’re all trying to ween me off asking for help to get me more comfortable, and we were surprisingly busy, and my garden boss becky asked me to do 2 extra things and my boss boss kept asking about paperwork that I couldn't fill out because I needed my sister to text me something, and an old man got mad at me over the phone because no-one was out there to fill his propane tank and I had a lady waiting for 10 minutes for someone to help load salt into her car and a middle aged man tried to use sarcasm at me while I was in friendly cashier mode aND IM SORRY I HAVE ADHD I DONT GET IT PLEASE S T O P and I tried answering the phone more and I didnt get the things done that becky asked and I left shit there because I just wanteD OUT. afterwards I went to target to get something, idk im writing this afterwards so I not really remember 

and today, my day off. ugh god I dont remember what I did, I know I picked up a vent for my mom’s bathroom and I just went to go get Taco Bell with my sister and bought her some more about crocheting and she’s making progress :) tomorrow is my friend’s birthday and last year I made her a felt doll of her fursona, so today I started making a crochet doll for her. so far I have the body and libs, but I still need to make the muzzle, tail, ears, attach everything, and hand-sew on all the markings and glue on button eyes. or maybe felt eyes, idk. my stomach hurts and I got upset because I told my mom my cat may be sick because her pee looked suspicious so I crocheted and watched my little pony and now I have a headache and im just trying to listen to music but really I just want to watch 50 arms videos at once but it wasn't loading right and idk man I dont know what’s happening, I may be going into work tomorrow. I think now that I have a job to do 3-4 times a week, I dont feel like I can just chill and wing it anymore, it’s like I have plans forever now. and oh god I still have to sig up for college orientation night or whatever, but my mind hasn'tt been on college for like a month or longer. I think im just going to take some Advil and try to relax with my cat and my music. holy shit dude. I know none’s gonna read this but just. fuck. also I should really post these more frequently rather than let them pile up in my texts. thinking about going back and adding all the dates like I did with my early quarantine diary, but that feels like a lot of work

[missauthorette]

Oh no.

I took a 5 hour energy expecting to not only have to finish clean my whole living area(downstairs living room, bathroom, spare bedroom and weird unused bar area) but also to have to be enthusiastic and welcoming to people i am not related to, and have met exactly 2 (two) times in my entire 23 years of life.  They arent even gonna be here until wednesday at the earliest now. And. Id kpt my personal maintenance up enough that everything was actually really easy to clean? SO.  Im done and just sitting here in my now weirdly uncluttered living space. And im not mildly dissociated for the first time in apparently almost a week (which in retrospect explains a lot).  i.  I should be doing something. But my hobbies will litter up the living room because they’re semi messy by nature? Like. I’ve got maybe a bit of dnd prep i can putter with but i dont know how well i can focus on that rn. 

[sunfiowyr]

i told this story a few years ago when it happened but i recently retold it so i felt like posting it again

my experience with crushes is that i get one on like every second or third girl i meet and become friends with, a couple of them have been extremely strong and hard to keep in. only once have i ever actually confessed it to someone which was though a long written skype message. i knew i was going to be rejected by them, partly due to having very low self confidence and just being able to tell they weren't interested in me like that. this was when i was year 12 in high school (equivalent to senior in america) and i was pretty close to this person as a friend.

we remained good friends throughout the rest of high school and a couple months after but slowly they kinda separated from our friend group as a whole and went and did their own things. A few months later we had met up again for an event she was doing to raise charity and she had a boyfriend by then. he seemed cool and though there were some residual feelings still inside me i was happy that they were happy. so after this event they invited me to go with them into the city to go to some metal show or something so i said sure why not, i had just enough money to get into it and that was about it. though throughout the night plans changed and we meandered though the city for a little while aimlessly as we decided on what to do. so naturally we ended up at the boyfriends place with a bottle of wine we shared between the three of us. they both did a bit of weed, which i politely declined cause i dont smoke.

things were a little awkward from the moment we walked in tho as their roommate was very unhappy, i think their cat had gone missing that day (i dont quite recall as it was a couple years ago now) and they were distraught--like screaming and crying. when i came in i was trying to get my shoes off which was proving to be extremely difficult for some unknown reason due to my laces being a bitch to untie... then their roommate walked past me and i think they got angry at the boyfriend cause he had brought people over. suffice to say we eventually left after like an hour or so of hanging out in his dingy room with a single sized bad and a laptop and basically nothing else. (they had recently moved to australia from new zealand so it was understandable) and decided after a few minutes of discussion to go back to my place instead. i was fine with it cause no one else would be home that night and actually kinda wanted to because i needed to feed my cat that night as well. so we got up, i put my shoes back on. at this point my feet were killing me almost to the point of blistering and possibly bleeding, and my pants were too long for my legs so they kept rolling past my feet and causing me to walk on them. so we caught the tram back into the cbd in the city then a bus to my place.

i set them up in my spare bedroom. we played mario kart wii for a race or two before they went to bed and i retired to my room. of course, the story doesn't end just yet. in the morning (i think we didn't wake up until noonish however). i woke up first, followed by the other too not too much later. i was caught off guard when he walked out shirtless and she didn't have any pants on and was wearing his t-shirt but no one made a deal out of it and they seemed fine so i didn't say anything. i have no idea if they fucked (but i really doubt it). they made some coffee (neither me or my mother drink it but we have it from Christmas hampers we used to get) and he gave me an energy drink he had so whatever i drank it. we kinda just chilled out for a little while in my living room and i made some nachos for the three of us to share. after a little while they got dressed and left.

i cleaned up and got rid of any evidence that anyone but me had been there and i kinda never really spoke to her that much again until last month at one of our friends 21st birthday, but it wasnt much of a conversation we basically just said hello to each other and i think i was subconsciously avoiding her. (she has a different boyfriend now and they seem happy together from what i've seen)

and thats why i don't like getting crushes.