#but i dont have like. any other friends atm so thats like. concerning? idk i feel really isolated lately

[the-ark-awaits]

it does kinda feel like everything im in is dead. all the roleplays, all the games, its all kinda. just nothing. idk it just kinda feels bad

[xthelastknownsurvivorx]

Hamilton!firstprince au

(cross posted from twitter with a couple of edits b/c i couldn’t make them there)

in which i loosely follow the plot of hamilton except its firstprince and alex and henry get a happy ending. inspired by the striking similarities i noted between our favorite first son and his namesake hamilton in the broadway musical

the similarities:

both have/will have a political career

both often talk too much/don't mind their words

both began as lawyers

both extremely motivated but overwork themselves (“nonstop” +  “you have a fire under ur ass for no good goddamn reason)

both had some sort of sex scandal that impacted their career plans

hamilton speculated to be bi

the story

the setup of the colonized country alex lives in is similar to the usa vs england but fictional bc alexs race would have limited his opportunities in america's early years

idk names for either of these countries so its now the colony and the motherland

alex + his mom live alone in the poorer southern part of the colony

but his dad + june live elsewhere + they dont rly contact e/o (tho they do know of e/o’s existence)

june becomes a journalist who writes important pieces abt independence

when alex comes of age his mom reveals she used to be part of the rebellion

thats actually why his dad left to raise june bc it was too dangerous

his parents met in the rebellion but oscar left first for june while ellen stayed until she realized she was pregnant w alex

ellen still has some rebel contacts but she mostly sheltered alex to keep him safe

now tho alex decides to join too + the rebellion sends him up north to the capital for an education bc he's smart + they need people like that

he attends uni + meets like-minded people there

tension grows btwn the colony in the motherland, and alex + his friends write/speak out often and this goes on throughout their schooling

they’re also troublemakers in general too, much to the annoyance of the motherland soldiers stationed in the capital to prevent rebellion

henry is one of those soldiers

he's from a noble family in the motherland but was sent overseas as the sort of black sheep of the family due to his sexuality

the idea was to let him be in charge in the colony + reestablish a reputation there w/o embarrassing the main family back home

henry hates his job + feels bad for the colonists but still does what he's told anyway

alex + fhis riends like to bug motherland soldiers for fun

nothing  enough to put their lives in danger too much (although yes that too esp when drunk)

henry becomes a favorite target of alex's bc he's awfully stoic + statue like + on the way to uni - overall fun to antagonize 

there's also the fact that alex is angry at all the soldiers for oppressing the colony + holding up the motherland monarchs tyranny (but also alex just is the type to fight literally everything and anything) 

it becomes almost a daily ritual for them to argue 

henry wonders why this colonist keeps on picking a fight w him but soon almost looks forward to it

many of the other soldiers know or speculate why henry is in the colony but none make the effort to get to know him; some even call him arrogant or undeserving of his position

alex doesn't 

of course alex also doesn't know him

and alex hates him

but he doesn't whisper behind henry's back

henry comes to read some of the essays alex publishes speaking out against the monarchy + also hears alex speak to crowd in the square

alex is a talented + charismatic public speaker

henry finds himself growing increasingly sympathetic to the colonists cause

at the same time he and the other soldiers are order to be stricter and dole out more punishments

the others gleefully do so which makes henry concerned about alex's safety bc alex often seems to have no self-preservation skills

henry asks alex for a word when he's alone 

“am I in trouble?” “no but you bloody will be if u keep going on like this” 

“this is serious” “so am I” “you can't go around saying things so openly you'll get yourself killed”

alex tries to leave at this point “I think I'll be ok” but henry shoves him against the nearest wall 

“listen to me! stop acting like this is a game! ur putting ur sodding life in danger! I dont bloody care what ur opinions r but why must u declare them around enemy soldiers? how is this helpful 2 ur cause? u cant fight if ur dead” 

“you'd b surprised how effective martyrs are” 

cue enraged henry noises 

alexs gaze turns hard “listen i  appreciate/the advice” he says sarcastically “but I dont need an enemy telling me what to do. I can take care of myself” 

there's a stirring in alexs chest after he removes henry's hand and stalks off that he's pretty sure is anger

like it can't be anything else 

while alex is trying to convince himself of that, the tensions boil over + soon the two sides are on the brink of war then the fighting starts

henry + alex don't talk much for a while bc they're both busy on their sides preparing

school is on hold during the war so alex + his friends are looking to serve + bring glory to their names 

alex esp is recognized for his intelligence + becomes the recognized general rafael lunas secretary

luna is the george washington figure in this case who is impressed by alex wants him as his right-hand man

alex is disappointed his role is not on the battlefield bc he knows he has a good tactical mind + he could change the tide of a losing war + gain honor and status thru it, which would put him in a good position to be elected in the future

as secretary, alex is in charge of a lot of important correspondence eg for more supplies + men, so the motherland soldiers figure ambushing him off the battlefield would make things hard for the colonists

henry overhears this plan + immediately worries for alex's safety but he's cornered by another soldier to talk strategy + misses the chance to take out the men then

henry manages to catch that they're going to attack alex at night when he leaves + henry arrives just in time to kill them in a panic

alex hears the gunshot + yells “drop ur weapon”, drawing his own gun

henry obviously does + alex inspects the scene he keeps a gun fixed on henry

“what's going on?” he asks, eyeing henry w/ suspicion

henry explains everything + looks positively terrified bc he just betrayed his side even tho the motherland and his family has treated him like shit since he came out but still. 

becoming an outright traitor is not something henry ever planned + leaving behind everything he's ever known w no hope of ever going back is terrifying

but he also doesn't regret protecting alex

alex questions henry but can quickly tell henry is sincere + is telling the truth

henry explains his change of heart + they have a heartfelt moment in/just outside luna's office.

alex almost died + henry just switched sides, emotions are running high and they escalate into a kiss. the moon is out + it's all very romantic but they don't admit their feelings yet

soon after they go to luna, explain the situation + talk w the other generals/people in charge

henry is sent away on an assignment + is watched closely at first but he proves his loyalty quickly

henry and alex write letters back + forth that turn into love letters 

besides managing correspondence for luna, some of alexs ideas of sneak attacks/stealing supplies help turn the tide of the war andhe also writes to other countries for foreign aid

eventually the colonists win in this huge up start that no one anticipated bc the motherland is known as the most powerful country in the world

he + henry reunite in the capital of once the war is over

alex finishes up his studies + practices law + soon is chosen to be part of the new lawmaking body

things are going pretty well for alex w his legal + political success and his relationship with henry

they dont live together but theyre dating tho no one else knows

alex pretends to be single instead + says he doesn't want to be tied down

it works while he's still in his early 20s but as he gets closer to 30, people start to find it strange + tell him he needs to settle

being married to his work is also not a valid excuse anymore

it turns out alex made quite a few political enemies due to his strong opinions that he always vocalises + can be unwilling to compromise on

they don't like his ideas or more often hate him and hence his ideas too

they look for some dirt on him bc atm he has lunas support which has a lot of sway + decide they need to find out why he hasn't married

they manage to find out about henry + threaten to tell the public

alex is obviously distraught re the consequences personally + politically

so alex and henry discuss what to do 

henry is willing to put alexs political career 1st but firmly explains their relationship can't continue if that's the case

henry gave up his whole life + any possibility of going back to his family so he's not willing to be someone's dirty little secret  

alex doesn't know what to do so he goes to consult luna who he's become very close with over the years

luna is not quite old enough to be his father but he's like an uncle + he always calls alex “kid”, much to alex's annoyance

but alex knows he'll have some good advice

alex + luna end up having a long conversation

like washington luna has always been very vocal abt his regrets re his naivety + desire for glory back in his youth

hes always said that this was his greatest regret in life. but then he tells alex like he had another great regret in life- letting go of the love of his life

alex is surprised bc luna's never mentioned anyone special

“who is she?” 

“he” luna corrects “he was my best friend. we had something a relationship but it was short-lived bc I decided I wanted to join the military + attain glory. i thought thats what i wanted in life. turns out that stuff is meaningless w/o anyone to share it w. nor did I even achieve it. perhaps i did accomplish some things but now in my retirement I have no one by my side. i have found that life is meaningless without love and family.  

“i tried to find my friend to reconnect after all these years even as simply friends but he died in the war. alex, I see many similarities between us. don't make the same mistake that I did, alexander. glory + lasting legacy mean nothing if you're alone in the end

“if you make choices that are motivated by love and family you will be a lot happier”

alex takes his advice even though he kind of hates sort of giving up to his enemies

he decides to choose henry and his own happiness over politics bc in the end he's done a lot of good work and that much is enough

also his enemies probably would try to blackmail him throughout his career if he was doing something against their interests

so he + henry leave the capital and move uptown and the two of them have a quiet retirement + engage in philanthropy for the rest of their lives

separately they've amassed a decent amount of money - henry kept a portion of his inheritance despite being unofficially disowned and alex made a lot of money as a lawyer and then politician

as it turns out alex still has a tangential role in politics when some of his former allies go to him for advice

all in all, alex happy with his final decision to be with henry and step away from politics

the two of them live happy and full lives together

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride 

[radiohorizon]

All of them 😏

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? Still want pancakes for breakfest? 2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? Nothing other than being friends3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? I would a lot and try and support them into recovery4. Is your last name longer than six letters? No5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? Sober6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? Yepp7. What does your last received text say? “I don’t know”8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? A few times but it was all in one night9. Where was your last kiss at? My best friends younger siblings bed room on New Years10. When is the last time you saw your sister? Like .3 seconds ago11. What do you drink in the morning? Coffee or juice12. Where did you sleep last night? My bed13. Do you think relationships are hard? Hard but worth it14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? Only thing i would do differently would be to try and hang out with family and friends more15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? Nah, he’s one of my closest friends and we get along really well16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? Rainy17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Nope18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? Spandex19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? Honestly i dont know if ill even have the same friends 3 years from now let alone a relationship20. Does anyone like you? I dunno?21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? No but I wanted to kiss someone whos name started with an S22. Is the last person you kissed gay? Lmao no he’s straight as fuck23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? Mhmmm 24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? One i can afford it Im getting a lot tattoos 25. In the past week have you cried? Yeep26. What breed was the last dog you saw? Goldendoodle27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? Out of shower28. Have you ever kissed a football player? Yeah but he was shitty as hellll29. Do you think you’re old? Ye30. Do you like text messaging? Kinda sorta31. What type of day are you having? Good, i had dinner w my best frienda32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? I wanna but im a pussy33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Cold34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Andrew, Jarred, Tyler, Kyle35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? Relationship36. Are you a simple or complicated person? Complicated as fuck37. What song are you listening to? Im not listening to anything right now but my favorite song atm is Believer by Imagine Dragons38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? 100%39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? Annabelle, my best friend40. What made you start liking the person you like now? We clicked instantly and kept talkig41. When did you last receive a text message?a few minutes ago42. What is wrong with you right now? Lmao thats a loaded question43. How well do you know the last female you texted? Extremely well, shes my best friend44. Does anyone disgust you? Trump45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? No, my head is all kinda of fucked up and so i am in no type of mental state to be in a relationship46. Are you in a good mood right now? I guess47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My mom48. What color shirt are you wearing? Pink49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? Not that I can think of50. Anyone you’re giving up on? Never51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? I want to hate her but I cant52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? Ive wanted to but never thought of actually doing it53. Do you like rain? LOVE IT54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? No but if its out of control then I’m concerned55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Plenty of times56. Do you like to cuddle? Kinda. I like it but im so antsy so i have to move a lot 57. Are you shy? Depends on the situation58. Do you get along with girls? Sometimes59. Have you dated the person you texted last? No, shes my best friend who is straight and dating my guy best friend sooo😂60. What do you carry with you at all times? Hairties 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Dude i would for 5 bucks but only if i wasnt alone62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? Yeah, longest relationship was 9 months63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? Nope but I was talking to my ex and then she dropped me again surprise surprise🤷🏼‍♀️64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? YEESSS65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? Idk prolly but i cant think of anything66. How old are the last three people you kissed? 17, 17, 1767. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? Do them myself68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? Zebra 69. Do you have any stickers on your car? Dont have a car70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? Lil wayne71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? Iphone72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? Never73. Do you like diet soda? Not really74. What color are the walls in your room? Green, black, and splatter paint75. Are you 16 or older? 1876. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? Yes😻77. Do you have a job? Dishwasher78. What are your initials? ERA79. Did you ever have braces? For 2 years80. Are you from the south? Lmao no im from PA/MD81. What does your last status on facebook say? Idek i havent put up a status in so long82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? No, we kinda just lost touch over the past two yeats83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? Equally close w them84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? Both and i love them both but dance is my true passion85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? Annabelle: Creation and it was fucking terrifying86. Do you smoke? Not cigarettes if thats what you mean 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? Converse88. Is your phone touch screen? Yes89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? In the summer natural waves but during the school year i tend to straighten it a lot90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? Nope its literally impossible but ive snuck out of friends houses91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? Lake92. Have you ever made out in a car? Nope93. …Had sex in a car? Virgin94. Are you single or in a relationship? Single95. What were you doing last night at midnight? Sleeping surprisingly96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? July 2nd during Police Explorers97. Do you like the camera on your phone? Eh sometimes98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Lmao yup99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? No100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? Yeah😂101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Nope102. Name your favorite Kesha song: tik tok103. Do you have any tan lines right now? Baby ones on my butt104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? Nopeee

[feralmyth]

Tag Meme Thing

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20

tagged by: @ontaan​ (ur a monster)

I tag: @lovitello @gansieboy​ @lucicatcat​ @king--gay​ @moosiest-moose​ (ik we dont really know each other but,,,) i cant think of anyone else,,,,,,,,,

the last

1. drink: Water,,, boring

2. phone call: @king--gay​ the monster, he called me at 1 am

3. text message: @lovitello​ “Okay me.. Too”

4. song you listened to: Rivers And Roads by The Head & the Heart

5. time you cried: a coupla nights ago?

6. dated someone twice: uh no. I’ve been in 1 relationship, with my lovely boyf @lovitello​

7. kissed someone and regretted it: nahh

8. been cheated on: never

9. lost someone special: uhhhhhh,,,,, my bfs cat Peekaboo,, he was a good boy,,

10. been depressed: always and forever

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: mnnnope never

3 favorite colors

12. Navy Blue

13. Pastel Pink

14. Red

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: Yee i.e. @king--gay​

16. fallen out of love: no, never. I love my boy to the moon and back

17. laughed until you cried: uhhh yes definitely. ask Matt

18. found out someone was talking about you: mmmnooo?? i doubt id ever find out

19. met someone who changed you: mmm not that i know of

20. found out who your friends are: uhh y e s???

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: uh my bf and my bff

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: uh the vast majority of them

23. do you have any pets: a cat named Gizmo! special boy

24. do you want to change your name: Yes from my birth name to Caide.

25. what did you do for your last birthday: had a sleep over in which we had a watergun fight that dyed our shirts and we ate shish kabobs

26. what time did you wake up: yikes uhhh? 11ish?

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: tryna fall asleep but also lookin at insta and tumblr

28. name something you can’t wait for: transitioning and living with matt

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: less than 30 minutes ago

31. what are you listening to right now: Imagine Dragons, Believer

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: uhh yeah my boyfs dick dad

33. something that is getting on your nerves: anti shippers and aphobes atm

34. most visited website: Tumblr definitely

35. hair colour: dark brown

36. long or short hair: shorttt

37. do you have a crush on someone: yes

celebrity? Nope

Fictional? uhhh Takashi Shirogane (the m o s t), Hunk Garrett, Lars Barriga, Shinji Ikari, Todoroki Shouto. So... Yes

Real life? Yes my bf

38. what do you like about yourself: myyy nose and uhh.. nothin else tbh,,,

39. piercings: one in each ear

40. blood type: I... have 0 clue.

41. nickname: my boyfriend calls me dumbass (◡ ‿ ◡ ✿) jk but uh im like team dad and my friends occasionally refer to me as dad/papa/etc. Or Daddy jokingly (Except @king--gay who p much exclusively calls me Daddy)

42. relationship status: In a v committed relationship i love Matt v much

43. zodiac: Leo

44. pronouns: he/him

45. favourite tv show: Voltron: Legendary Defender; Teen Wolf; FMAB; BNHA

46. tattoos: none yet but my dad has prepaid for one for me and my bf designed it a few years ago, so its just a matter of when I go back to my birth town with my dad

47. right or left handed: right

48. surgery: an appendectomy like 3 years ago

50. sport: Nonnee but I wanna get swole so bad yo

51. vacation: Last one was to a cabin in kentucky where we hiked all day for 3 days straight, it was actually p fun

52. pair of trainers: uhhh like. sneakers??? cause i mean ive got some vans but,,,

more general

53. eating: nothin rn but i love food,, pizza, beef stroganoff on rice, potstickers, rice, steak, burgers, panko breaded chicken, strawberry rhubarb pie,,,,,,,,,,,, mmmmm,,,,,,,,,

54. drinking: nada rn.

55. i’m about to: do some art maybe, or watch smthn, or die

56. waiting for: dinner

57. want: my bf to come back over im ssooo needyyyyy

58. get married: yes.

59. career: animator hopefully

which is better

60. hugs or kisses: mmmboth, but i love the way hugs make me feel

61. lips or eyes: mmboth? eyes are,, gud,,,

62. shorter or taller: mmm both again

63. older or younger: older? idk i prefer it

64. nice arms or nice stomach: bothhh,,, buttt i love soffft tums

65. hook up or relationship:  relationship

66. troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker,,

have you ever

67. kissed a stranger: no.

68. drank hard liquor: nope

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: uh sunglasses yes

70. turned someone down: i yeah i guess??

71. sex on the first date: uhhhh thats a no for me

72. broken someone’s heart: possibly? there was a boy who was crushin on me when I was a kid, and he was alot younger than me, and i didnt take him srsly when he told me and I was an ass,,, I still regret being so jerky back then but we r on good terms now? 

73. had your heart broken: mmnooo? not that i remember,,

74. been arrested: mnope

75. cried when someone died: yeah im quick to cry always. When i was like 3 or 4 a fam member I’d never met passed away and we went to her funeral and i bawled my eyes out and my mom asked me “Why are you crying? you didnt know her kiddo” and I said “Because there are people here who loved her and they are sad”.. also I was close to this cousin I had and she was sick and passed away and that was super painful. Annnnd uhhh My stepdads mom passed away a few years ago,,, i didnt go see her before she died cause i was more concerned with myself,,, my mom told me she cried because I didnt see her and that,,, hurts,,,,,,, also anytime an animal dies. I have alot of feelings.

76. fallen for a friend: hhhhahahaha yep definitely my boyf used to be my bff

do you believe in

77. yourself: not really

78. miracles: yeet

79. love at first sight: uhh a little

80. santa claus: nah m8

81. kiss on the first date: if both people want to. 

82. angels: a little? like the basic concept. but not really @ the same time,,,,,

other

84. eye colour: brown

85. favourite movie: uhhhggjlj Spider-man: Homecoming and uhhh Power Rangers 2017 and uhhhhhh The newest Godzilla,,,,

[adickktedtoyou]

hihi i miss you you should answer all multiples of 2 !!

geez u go hard. short answers 4 u.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

nope

4 - answered

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

probably eliza, maybe tori as well. I don’t really get drunk after the night i threw up like 10 times tho.

8- answered

10: What are you listening to?

the whooshing noise of my overheating laptop.

12: Do you like hickeys?

idrk but i think im leaning no?

14- answered

16- answered

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

everyday bc shes my roommate

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

‘ugh i have to wake up at 8.’

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

yep absolutely.

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

yea...

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

sweatshirt: dark blue. im not wearing a shirt atm.

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

if they are they should ignore me louder because im not getTING THE MEMO.

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

i think im over it at this point, but maybe

32: Are you mad at anyone?

im always at least a little irritated with at least one person so i’ll say: yes but only a little.

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

20? 21? around my age.

36- answered

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

not intentionally but im not good at keeping track of these things so maybe

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

i dont wanna lie so im gonna oPT OUT.

42- answered

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

asuhaurthe tbh earrings hurt a lot and i had a lot of trouble w infection so they ended up closing up so im scared of piercings but septum.

46: Do you regret anything?

yes? is there anyone who doesnt? can they teach me how to live my life?

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

yep still kinda salty

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

bc im a fuckin baby but also like idk if i acTUALLY LIKE them strongly enough like i dont know them that well itsmore like a hmm maybe i could like you.

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

nope. such is my life.

54: Did you get any compliments today?

nope. such is my life.

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

yes! my mom is belgian so like. i have tons of random shit from europe.

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

the -not always so- good ol’ USA

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

neuuuu

62: Who do you text the most?

hmm christine, eliza, tori, marisa, or noemi. tho its not text its fb message. actual texting would be francine probably.

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

their lack of existing on the material plane.

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

nah.

68: Are you happy with where you live?

yes! at home home and school home. tho my home town has like nOTHING in it despite it being HUGE and dense. like its all residential or restaurants and its boring. its p close to a lot of cool stuff though so thats nice.

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

monogamous i feel like jealousy is basically inevitable.

72: What do you most like about making out?

idk its just good >__

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

“usually” is tough when theres little data to go off of but no im not the initiating type.

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

actual speaking: eliza; texting/fb/snapchat: uhh shirley? maybe?

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

nope... the whole ace thing kinda keeps me away from that.

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

at this point in my life absolutely not, but later in life I dont think id have a problem with it.

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

not a lot but im incapable of keeping it to myself.

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

fuckin highschool tho im not mad slow dancing is uncomfortable.

86: How can I win your heart?

show me u love me and go on adventures with me. thats all i want. give me shiny things and be like “i saw this while i was walkin outside and it reminded me of you” it can be a dead leaf and ill still love it and you.

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

ermm. watching gossip girl maybe? or perusing tumblr?

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

nopee

92- answered

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

a dog

faster metabolism

ambition

extraverted friends

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

no 

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

no :’c people i dont kno irl dont talk to me really (except miki like twice and its so appreciated

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

id go on a friend date w anyone who will go on an adventure with me ok i need adventures.

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

yes but i feel like this is implying that i want to ask someone out. i dont.

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

“babe” feels kinda greasy so no.

106: Do you flirt a lot?

i.. dont think so?? i dont try to? but i do try to come across as a cute person does that count as flirting?

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

nuu

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

ANYONE? oh geez this is so stressful hmm what abt maybe minghao hes age appropriate and cute and i love him

112: Does someone like you currently?

if they do they should likE ME LOUDER bc i don’t kno about it but would like to.

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

well i think a serious relationship would be better but like i suCK at those so like flings i guess idk.

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

single i think its just easier when you dont gotta worry about how you think that guy over there is cute as hell or you and some guy are growing closer and your so gonna be all jealous and like ugh i hate pda bc it annoys me so like i cant do it bc i know im being annoying ugh being in a relationship is just a lot of avoidable concerns