#but i do remember the finale impacting me hard emotionally

[iamdeltas]

It's funny watching a video that is about comparing the Gravity Falls, Amphibia, and The Owl House finales and seeing that it ultimately concludes that they're All Great, but they each excel in different ways. I mean, it's super valid, and I do agree that it's not as simple as just saying, '[X]'s finale was Objectively the best one' because they each have their strengths and weaknesses, but it's still pretty funny to see that be the conclusion, as opposed to giving an actual ranking.

[bunnyley00]

Bittersweet Punishment

pairing: gang member fem!reader x mafia boss!nanami

genre: slight angst, smut, fluff

rating: 18+ 

word count: 7.8K (something's wrong with me ik)

warnings: slightly angsty, mention of drug usage, nanami is emotionally constipated but eventually figures it out, light bondage with a certain item ahem, impact play (spanking), dirty talk, light degradation, overstim, sex on multiple surfaces, punishment kink, orgasm denial, hair pulling, fingering, oral sex, dom nanami, fluffy aftercare

When you don’t listen to your boss who happens to be running the biggest crime syndicate in the world, there’s ultimately going to be consequences.  

Joining the crime ring scene was probably one of the best decisions you could’ve made with your life. Abandoned by your father, and taking care of your mother as she widdled her existence away doing drugs, you had nowhere else to go. Your other relatives were too far away, and they didn’t even know you. So, you sucked it up and finished school, and managed to get a good job at some random company as a data analyst. You always hated it, felt like you were wasting your life away every day at a desk. The only thing that made it worthwhile was your boss: Nanami Kento. He was tall, handsome, and precise with everything he did. Seeing him about once every week to give him your written reports was always a highlight. You strove to go above and beyond, looking for a sense of purpose through your occupation. Needless to say, it paid off. 

You see, Nanami wasn’t the man you thought him to be. Yes, he looked strong, probably capable of throwing someone across a room, but you had never seen him act out or be violent. So when one random weekend, you received an anonymous invitation to some undisclosed location miles out, only to discover that the Nanami Kento you know happened to be the leader of the Kaisen Syndicate, you didn’t know how to react. But from then forward, you knew you had found something truly special. If you remember the way he put it: “I respect your tenacity and work ethic more than anything else. I would like to see if you’re willing to display those qualities elsewhere.” 

At first, you wanted to deny him, to tell him he’s insane and how could he be in charge of such a terrifying and dangerous group of people. But then, you take a moment. This Syndicate has done terrible things, yes, but only to terrible people: drug dealers, traffickers, money laundering schemists; The list goes on. Even if their methods were less than… moral, the result was a cleaner world, and you could get behind that. So you trained as hard as you possibly could, breaking your limits one by one, body and soul. You probably worked the hardest to get where you were, and it felt good to reap the benefits. You never grew hungry, or without. The Syndicate was like family to you, one you never had. But Nanami, he was always who you had your eyes on, seeking his approval and praise, bettering yourself not only for you but for him. So he could finally just see you without the eyes of a man who’s just in charge.  

You suddenly come to your senses, remembering that you were in a Syndicate meeting and it was hardly the time for a trip down memory lane. This is a huge job. That’s what you think half haphazardly in your mind anyway as Nanami continues with his meeting about the next mission that needs to be carried out for the inevitable expansion of the group. A deal had gone wrong with an enemy gang for some material a month back, and now we were to seize the materials forcefully… use them as an example of sorts. That was the gist anyway. The intel was crucial for everyone who could be chosen for situations like this, in case something doesn’t go according to plan. That’s who Nanami was, even at the company; He was someone who had backup plans for his backup plans. But, who could blame him? Working as a salaryman as a front for his mafioso dealings, he needed the insurance. It wasn’t an option. 

You’d felt as though you’d certainly be chosen for this mission. You were undoubtedly one of the best in the middle ranks, and your colleagues knew how hard you worked. Someone with barely any prior knowledge of combat, manipulation, and intel gathering forced you to become a novice overnight, something everyone respected you for. 

Nanami paced back and forth slowly and methodically in front of a projector displaying the area that would be infiltrated while explaining the details. “As previously stated, this will be a two-man operation at most. There is no need to send the whole Syndicate to a rival organization that cannot respect us or have the common decency to behave. Therefore we shall not be overextending ourselves and show them that we will not be toyed with, with as minimal effort as possible.” His voice was monotone yet smooth, words coming out with purpose.

“You will get in, dispose of any that get in your way, gather the product and return to me. In addition, there is an envelope that you will deliver to their leader. Under no circumstances will you kill him. While it could dissolve them, it could also lead to another person being inclined to take his place and start a full-on war. I’m not a fan of working overtime, as you all know, so a war is not a goal of mine.” 

The room full of members all hummed and nodded in agreement, and you continued to watch Nanami, his words beginning to drown out as you watched him walk. He was clad in his usual attire, always in some sort of suit and tie. The jacket fit him just right but the dress shirt underneath was always a little too small for him in the best way. You swore you could see the outline of his pecks, that the buttons were probably screaming to be let free from the prison that was his fit abdominal structure. 

“I will summon the two members suited for the job later today. You’re all dismissed.” 

Those words made you snap out of your trance, and you stood up, letting everyone file out. You were one of the last ones to leave the meeting room, but Nanami stopped you. 

“Wait. There’s something I’d like to discuss with you,” he piped up as he gathered up files and mission info neatly. He’d been doing that quite frequently lately, asking you about your training, about your work at the company, about just…you in general. It never bothered you one bit. 

“Yes?,” you ask politely as you turn around, making your way toward him. Your eyes meet his through his glasses, the green tint making it hard to see his actual dark brown eyes. “How has your physical condition been lately? I was informed that you pushed too hard during your spar last week. You were limping for days.” You let out a soft, “Pshh,” waving a bit with your hand, “I’m okay. It was just a few scratches.” 

Nanami hated when you lied, especially because you were shit at it. “Besides,” you continue, “Should it matter? I’m just another cog in the machine, right?” “No,” he stated in rebuttal, “I respect and trust every one of my colleagues. Had you been someone else I would’ve asked the same questions.” 

‘Wow, way to make me feel special, boss,’ you thought before mentally berating yourself for expecting any other response but that one. 

You hum, watching his large hands continue to fiddle with papers. “How have you been, then?” you ask with a raise of your eyebrows. “I hardly see how that information is relevant.” “Because I respect and trust you, I want to know how you’re doing. Same concept.” He knew you were playfully mocking him, then again, you always did that.  “It’s not the same. You don’t bear my burdens so my feelings aren’t what matters here.” 

God, he was so confusing when he did this. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at him. “Sure, boss.” “That attitude is why you’re always getting into heated scraps. And you know I dislike the title ‘boss’,” he mused, “Even at the company I can’t stand it.” He finally finished gathering his things. “Just continue to execute like you always have. You’re one of my best, don’t squander it by getting so hurt that you can’t.” 

“Yes Sir,” you answered back respectfully, internally blushing at the words ‘one of my best’. He very rarely complimented you so directly in this line of work. 

A day later, you prepared yourself to be called into Nanami’s office at Syndicate Headquarters, the pre-mission butterflies floating around in your stomach in a way that made you increasingly giddy. Walking about the halls, you waited and waited, looking for an announcement, listening for gossip on who he’d chosen. You hoped to hear your name amongst the hushed whispers. However, what you found out frankly just pissed you off. 

“Didn’t you know?”, Itadori asked, chewing on a piece of his milk bread fruit sandwich. “Know what?”, you cocked an eyebrow up. “Nanamin chose me and Takuma-san.” “He what?!” “Yeah, the meeting was earlier this morning. I asked him if he was sure and he just said what he always does. The whole, ‘This is the most efficient way’ spiel.” Your eye twitched and Itadori knew exactly what you were about to do, “Good luck.” 

The other members could see it all over your face, and didn’t try to stop you as you practically stormed up to his office. They knew only you would get away with stunts like this, outwardly and inappropriately showing your anger and or frustration over a decision that’s already been made. You didn’t even bother knocking, just opening the door to a quiet Nanami penning away in his notebook at his desk. “So was it a lie?,” you said curtly, letting the heavy door shut behind you.

“I was expecting you. What are you talking about?”, he spoke up, glancing up at you before returning his eyes to his work. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.” “Is this about the mission?”, he asked, finally giving you his full attention. “Is this about the mission? Of course it is! ‘You’re one of my best’? Was it a lie?” “Why would I lie about something like that?”, he asked calmly. “Well, obviously I’m not because you’re sending Itadori and Takuma! I’m just as good if not better for the job!” Nanami sat back in his large leather chair, fixing his glasses. “Just because I’m not sending you doesn’t mean you’re not equipped for the job.” “So why?!” “Don’t yell.” You didn’t even have time to register who exactly you were talking to and kept going, genuinely hurt by his seeming oversight of your abilities after all this time. “No! I want to know why I won’t be there!”

Nanami grew quiet, just watching you. Why did he not send you? You were an easy choice. Reliable, capable, strong. He trusted you more than some of the other people under his wing. It should’ve been a ‘home run’ so to speak. But, something in his chest stirred when he thought about you facing off an entire organization basically on your own. You weren’t quite ready yet. It felt…wrong to send you. “Because both Itadori and Takuma are a bit more experienced.” “Bullshit.” “Excuse me?” “Did I stutter?! Bull! I don’t care if they are! I’ve worked my ass off! I deserve this! Stop lying to me. Do you think I’m too weak? Is that it? Is it because I’m a woman?! You think I just belong back at the office?!” You knew that didn’t make any sense. Gender never mattered to Nanami, but you were just so angry you wanted to, as bad as it sounded, blame him for something.

Those words made Nanami’s brow furrow. He was getting quite irritated. “You deserve it? Please tell me how exactly you do when you’re in here throwing a fit like a child. And don’t you dare imply such a disgustingly sexist and absurd thing. Not only are you disrespecting me but yourself as well. You aren’t going. That’s my final say on the matter.” You felt more and more of your emotions swirling inside of you, manifesting itself as heat in your face and fingertips. “What’s the matter with you?! You compliment me and give me extra attention and training and tell me I’m one of the best but you don’t send me on one of the most important jobs since I’ve been here?!” You raise your arms in defeat, fighting not to get teary-eyed. 

“Yes! That’s exactly what’s happening!”, he raised his voice back, fed up with your attitude and how you spewed baseless accusations at him. The tone was deep and almost guttural, and it made your eyes widen in surprise and your body jump, startled at the outburst. He never got like this. Nanami couldn’t comprehend why you were so upset. He was just trying to make sure that you didn’t overextend yourself. That was the only reason. Right?…Right? 

You grew quiet, eyes and body relaxing before biting your lip, your eyes growing cloudy despite your efforts. “You know what? Fine. You don’t want me to go? I won’t,” Nanami wanted to apologize for raising his voice, but he knew it would fall on deaf ears. You began to turn around to walk out before turning your head to look at him. “Anything else I should be informed of before I leave, Kento?” Nanami clenched his jaw slightly. You were one of the few people who knew his name. The other members would just call him “Leader” or “Boss”, much to his dismay. Nevertheless, you never used it until now. “You’re dismissed.” He watched you stomp off, putting his head in his hands as soon as the door to his office closed behind you. 

The day of the mission was nigh, and per the meeting, you knew when your coworkers would head out and where to meet. “Screw Nanami. I’ll fucking show him,” you mumble to yourself, getting dressed in all-black attire to carry out the mission without his permission. You prepped as much as you could, and when you arrived at the rendezvous point in the dead of night, both Itadori and Takuma recognized you immediately. 

“Uhh, what are you doing here?!,” Takuma whisper-yelled frantically. “I told you she’d show up,” Itadori mused, a quiet laugh slipping past his lips, “I don’t know why she wasn’t put on the mission in the first place.” “How’d you even know it was me?”, you asked, looking around to make sure the coast was clear. “Because you’re the only one stupid enough to defy Nanami like this,” Takuma stated matter of factly, “And who cares if she’s just as capable, she wasn’t chosen,” he said to Itadori. The pink-haired boy just shrugged, “I’m sure we could use the extra help. I mean, sure Nanamin wouldn’t be necessarily happy about it but we’d get the job done.” Takuma just groaned in disapproval, “Whatever. I don’t approve of this but I can’t stop you.” You gave both of them a cheeky smile, “You’re right. You can’t.” 

Some part of you wished he had stopped you. The mission was successful but at the cost of heavy bodily injuries. Takuma got the worst of it, and you were right behind him. Somehow, though, Itadori came out mostly unscathed, with only a few bruises littering his body. He was always kinda freaky like that, like a walking superhuman. You, on the other hand, had various wounds ranging from stabs, to dark purple and yellow bruises, and your back was littered with scratches from a glass window pane you were kicked through. You wore the injuries proudly though, musing that they were your badge for succeeding. The other members couldn’t help breaking into whispers the moment you 3 returned to Headquarters, no doubt talking about you. You didn’t have the fucks to give though, and you proceeded up to Nanami’s office with head held high. 

The moment Nanami saw you with Itadori and Takuma, he was fuming. It was exactly why he didn’t want you to go in the first place. You were hurt badly and it made him rethink his… feelings toward you because the way his chest felt seeing you that way didn’t feel normal. “Itadori, Takuma,” his eyes landed on you next, taking in your state. “All three of you-,” he was interrupted by Takuma, “Sir, I told them I didn’t approve but-,” It was Nanami’s turn to interrupt him. “I care not about the details of who went. How did the mission fair?” “Went off without a hitch!”, Itadori smiled, “More people resisted than we initially thought though. Took a lot for them to actually get scared.” Nanami hummed, “And the envelope?”

“I delivered it,” you piped up, “It’s with their boss safe and sound. The materials are also back in our possession as well.” “Is that so? Good. Well, as per usual, based on your condition you shall all take a short break from the field. Itadori, you should only need a week or so, right?” Itadori nodded, “Yeah Nanamin! I’ll be all good.” “I thought I said stop calling me that.” “Aw, but it’s a really good nickna-.” “Whatever,” Nanami gives up. They have that conversation every other day and it always goes nowhere anyway. “Takuma, 2 weeks for you. There’s nothing broken, right?” Takuma shook his head. “Just lots and lots of bruising, heh,” he lifted his hand to scratch the back of his head but winced as he did so. 

Nanami returned his hard gaze to you. “I want you on a month's hiatus.” “But-” “No arguing. You have deep stab wounds that need stitching and proper healing. I just know you’ll do nothing but go back to training if you return here. A month at the least.” You couldn’t even fight back, he was right. The wounds were fighting to close, hot and throbbing. “The nurse downstairs will tend to all of you. Go home after, get some rest,” he stood, looking at all of you, “Good job for a successful mission despite some changes in the moment. I’m glad you’re all alright. You’re dismissed.”

After Itadori and Takuma left, you expected to be called back, but Nanami just sat back down at his mahogany desk, continuing to work. “No reprimand?,” you asked in the quiet of the room. He glanced up at you, “Not at this time. Your recovery is more important. You’ll receive some corrective action when you return. I’ll see you at the company in the meantime.” That was unlike him, but you supposed he already felt bad for the argument the both of you had earlier. “Not kicking me out are you?” “Not in the slightest. You just need some… readjustment for your behavior.” “Sure thing, Sir. Goodnight.” “Goodnight. And I’m not lying when I say that I am glad you’re alright.” The statement made you smile a bit. “Yeah.” 

The next month went by fairly quickly, although you weren’t going to Syndicate Headquarters every night. You almost enjoyed the break from the constant fighting, and ended up taking a bit more extra time. You still saw Nanami every day at your day job. The clothes you wore covered most bandages, and you explained the visible ones away as just plain, clumsy behavior. Your wounds healed nicely and at a rate you didn’t expect. Only one stab wound needed stitches. You’d surely have scars but that didn’t bother you. They were merely proof that you were alive. So, when you were back at the Syndicate after almost 2 months, you were welcomed with open arms, literally. They all dog-piled onto you like you’d been gone for years, saying that they’d missed you and your presence around the place. You smiled and laughed with them, once again incredibly grateful for such a large group of people who loved you unconditionally. “Oh! Nanamin said he wanted to welcome you back. He’s in his office,” Itadori informed you. “Okay,” you nodded, promising you’d be back as you made your way toward your leader’s door. 

“You asked for me?”, you piped up as you opened it, letting it close behind you. Nanami was standing, both hands leaning back on his desk. “Lock it.” “Huh?” “Lock the door.” Your heart started beating a little faster just then. “Why?” “I just don’t want to be interrupted.” “O-kay?”, you spoke slowly, following his directions. “Welcome back.” He took off his glasses, running his hand through his blonde hair before setting them aside. Sometimes you forgot that he didn't actually need them to see. He then asked, “How are your wounds?” “Glad to be back,” you smiled, “They’re way better. That extra time I took sped up the healing process..” What was he up to? He looked… different somehow. Oh, how you had no idea. “That’s good. There are 3 things I’d like to inform you of…,” he trailed off, his eyes intense. “First, I am sorry for yelling at you.” You looked down at the floor, “I’m sorry for yelling as well… and accusing you.” “I now know why I was so adamant on keeping you from the mission,” he continued, letting his hands softly move him off of the desk and toward you, “And that brings me to number two.” He used one hand to slowly lift your chin, and the action surprised you. Your eyes widened slightly, and you swore you could hear your heartbeat in your ears. “It was more than your skill set, or even keeping you from overextending yourself.” His voice was silky smooth, deep in all the right ways as he spoke to you. “It was because I wanted to keep you from harm's way. I didn’t want to see you in pain or with so many injuries. Because in reality…,” he’d been slowly walking you back, yet you didn’t notice and were surprised when your back hit a solid wall. 

His face moved past yours and dipped down for his mouth to reach your ear, the tips of them hot much like the rest of your body. “I’ve always wanted you,” he whispered. “Every part of you. At first, I thought it may be just the way I admire your tenacity. It wasn’t an unreasonable thought. You work hard, all for me, don’t you?” You didn’t even register that a question was asked, mouth dry and mind foggy from the kindling of fire in your lower regions. Your breath rose and fell steadily but deeply, your breasts almost rubbing against him with each inhale. “I,” you started, “I, yeah. I do.” “Exactly. And then I thought: ‘How did I not notice?’ Whether you’re at the company, making sure you wear a low-cut shirt so the tops of your breasts are flashing me while you read off your report to me, or when you wear tight pants to incite me to look at your curves at the Headquarters, you’re always seeking my attention. And more importantly, you’re seeking my praise. Am I wrong?”

He was reading you like a book now, and even though it took him an eternity, you still didn’t expect to feel so exposed in the moment. He pulled his head back a bit to re-establish the heady eye contact. You tried to be coy. “I mean, not necessarily,” you managed to breathe out. “You really are bad at lying, you know? The extra training, the almost excessive reporting, taking on extra work, asking me repeatedly, ‘How’d I do?’ The look on your face when I compliment you is filled with warmth and something else. But I can probably infer what that is.” 

Being pinned against the wall was the least of your worries, as your clit throbbed against your panties, hands at your sides and Nanami kept you caged in like a predator closing in on his prey. “And the third thing?”, your voice trembled. “Ah, the third thing. Do you recall what I said before you left my office 2 months ago?” “Something about readjusting my behavior?”, you breathed, beginning to put the pieces together. “That’s right. Good girl.” The shiver that ran down your spine shouldn’t have been that intense, and it made you squirm against him. “Now, is this what you want?” His question was serious, not laced with arousal but genuine. “Maybe,” you said slightly playfully. “A terrible liar as always,” he said quietly, leaning down to kiss you. Your lips slotted together slowly yet intensely, and it was everything you’d been waiting for. His large hands made their way to your waist, squeezing you softly as you moaned into his mouth. He let you indulge because this would be the last time you would for a while. Your arms made their way up to his broad shoulders, wrapping around them while he nipped at your bottom lip. 

Your body screamed, begged for more, the heat in between your legs growing in intensity. After what felt like an eternity of teasing bites, small prods of tongues, and little sounds being consumed by Nanami’s lips, he pulled back. You just about whined and Nanami couldn’t help a small smirk. “I’m sure you’ll live. You waited this long, right? Don’t forget,” he squeezed your hips a bit more, “This is a punishment. You directly disobeyed my orders. So now I have to take my time and break you down piece by piece, and put you back together again.” “Heh,” you let out a breathy laugh, “Is that what you intend to do?” “Oh, darling, it’s what I’m going to do.” 

You had to be dreaming, but the way your breath hitched and your pussy ached had to be real. His hands moved upward, trailing the sides of your abdomen and then shifting to take the hem of your shirt and lift it up. You let the shirt slide over your head, watching as he tossed it aside. You took no time in taking off your shoes, Nanami leaning down to kiss you again as he kneaded your tits through your bra as you worked on your pants. Now that he’s gotten a taste of you, he is going to indulge in every facet of your body. As soon as your pants were discarded you were left in your matching bra and panty set. He pulled back. “I want you bent over my desk, with your hands resting on your back.” You nodded a bit, “O-Okay,” you said breathily as your body began moving towards the desk. His words stopped you in your tracks. “Okay, what?” “Okay, Sir,” you corrected yourself, and you swore your pussy got wetter. “That’s better. Good girl.” 

He watched you get into position, and when you were, he took a moment to admire your body, how small it was compared to him. It made his dick throb a bit in his pants. In just a few minutes you’d be putty in his hands, moaning and writhing all for him. It really did take him too long to get here. You heard the sound of clothes rustling and then what you immediately recognized to be his tie tying your wrists together. The desk was cold against your skin, sending goosebumps along every inch of it. “Isn’t that your favorite tie?”, you asked playfully. He only reserved his tan suit and speckled tie for special occasions. “It is. Why wouldn’t I wear it on a day when I train a brat on how to behave?”, he asked, finishing the knot and following up his question with a smack against your ass. 

“Ah!,” you yelped in surprise, squirming against the desk. “Not too loud now,” Nanami mused, “You wouldn’t want the rest of the Syndicate to know how much of a disobedient brat you are, would you?” Slap. “A-Ah! No!” “No, what?” Slap. “N-No, Sir!” “Good, good.” He rubbed his hand against your now slightly red cheeks, the touch soft despite his calloused hands. “This is long overdue, you know? How many times have you disobeyed me? Ignored my instructions because you felt like you could do it better your way? Even at the company, trying to undermine my authority.” Slap. “F-Fuck,” you moaned, fighting back the instinct to get loud. “It really is a pity, darling, that I had to resort to such,” slap, “physical means of getting through to you.” Your ass was on fire and you jumped a little every time Nanami’s hand came down on your cheeks. You wanted to squirm away but it felt so good. At this point, your panties were soaked with your wetness, a visible spot on them. 

Nanami watched while you squirmed and shifted on the desk, your ass jiggling with every sharp movement. You were nearly on your tippy toes, and he could tell you were enjoying yourself. “Now, how many times do you think I should bring my hand down on this ass of yours?”, he asked. You heard him shift and then felt fingers tugging at the hem of your panties. They were pulled down slowly, your bare ass now on display. A wet string of slick connected you to your panties until it broke, the clothing item now at your feet. “I-I don’t know,” you whined, the cold of the room hitting your core. “You don’t? Want to take a guess, darling?” Nanami reached a hand to your pussy, lightly running two large fingers against your folds. You gasped and moaned, hips moving back against the touch. “You won’t get what you want until you give me a number.” Your forehead was up against the mahogany wood, breath escaping as mild panting, heating up your face more in the process while he persistently teased your pussy. “T-Ten,” you finally spoke up. 

“Only ten? Do you really think a brat like you only deserves ten?” Nanami did a few quick circles on your clit. “Fuck, N-Nanami, I don’t know, please.” “Hm? Please what? You still haven’t honored my request yet.” He pulled his fingers back. “Okay! O-kay. Twenty?” “Twenty sounds fair enough for all the trouble you’ve put me through. Good girl.” Slap. “That’s one.” “Shit!” Nanami used his other hand to continue to rub your clit at a painstakingly slow pace, occasionally dipping the tip of his digits into your entrance. Slap. “Mmfm!,” you moaned, biting your lip to hold in your sounds. With every slap came the delicious feeling of focusing on his fingers, but the combination of pleasure and pain left you dizzy. “You’re enjoying yourself aren’t you, darling?” Slap. “Does this feel good? Me punishing you for being a bad little brat?” Slap. “Your greedy pussy is dripping for me.” Slap. “G-God, yes it feels good!”, you answered obediently and he rewarded you, sheathing the full length of both fingers inside of you. “You look so gorgeous tied up like this.” Slap. “I should punish you more often, shouldn’t I?” Slap. You were drowning in pleasure rutting back against his fingers and eating the satisfying sting of his palm against your ass. Although the pace was slow, the knot in your lower abdomen began to build, your orgasm creeping toward you like a thief in the night. By the last slap you were whining and whimpering, Nanami’s fingers still working inside of you. 

“Would you like to cum, darling?”, he drawled, the sound of his fingers entering and exiting your hot, wet slit filling the room. “Y-yes! Please!”, you beg without much fight, cloud nine so close but so far. Nanami kept going, speeding up his fingers until he felt your legs tremble and your breath become uneven. You were just about to tip over the edge and then…nothing. The loud whine that you let escape your mouth didn’t even sound like you to your ears, and Nanami took both hands and squeezed your thoroughly reddened ass cheeks, your arousal still on his fingers. “It seems that you’ve forgotten that this was a punishment, darling. You don't quite get what you want yet.” “Nanami,” you whined again, hips moving back in search of something, anything to cure the ache in between your legs. “You really are an impatient little thing aren’t you?” 

Nanami helped you get to your feet and guided you to the other side of his desk. He sat in his chair. “Kneel for me,” he spoke up, and you followed directions swiftly. He made sure that you didn’t lose your balance. You watched as he unfastened his belt, and you felt a sliver of shame as your mouth began to water. He unbuttoned his pants and then looked at you. “Use your teeth.” “Yes, Sir,” you almost moaned, leaning your upper body forward to get into position. You let your teeth grab ahold of his zipper, following a command of, “Look at me,” as you pulled it down slowly. Nanami let out a small sigh and assisted you in pulling his throbbing dick out of his pants. It bounced out of his briefs, his tip sticky with his pre. “Show me you’re a good girl,” he spoke up, using a hand to softly caress your jaw and trailing it up into your hair. 

You leaned into the touch, letting out a soft, “Yes, Sir,” as you let your head descend and your mouth wraps around the tip of his cock. It was thick, and you moaned at the taste of his pre cum. Looking up at him, you began to slowly bob your head, coating his length in your saliva. He groaned, letting his head rest against his chair as he watched you intently. “That’s a good girl. There we go, just like that,” he praised, making your already swollen clit almost hurt from the arousal. You lifted your head off of his dick, licking from his balls to the tip repeatedly to trace the pulsating veins that ran up it. Your head went back down onto him again, taking him in more and more with each movement. His hand guided you through it all, your sticky spit running down his dick and onto his balls. You began to wonder if you could really handle not cumming for this long, your pussy hot and needy. You tried to sneak your other hand down to your clit and the grip he had on your hair tightened. “Where’s that hand going, darling? Did I say you could touch yourself?”, he asked, pulling your head up and off of him. 

Your spit ran down your chin. “N-No.” “Right, I didn’t say that, did I? So why is your hand trying to play with your bratty little pussy?” You moved your hand. “I-I’m sor-” The moment you did he pushed your head back down onto his cock, moving it up and down forcefully. “And here I thought you learned your lesson,” he grunted, moaning at your hot mouth, “But I guess brats never really learn do they? Have you got anything to say? Hm?” You struggled to produce the words ‘I’m sorry’ as his dick moved in and out of your mouth and throat, the sounds coming out garbled and riddled with wet, sloppy sounds. “Yeah? Are you sure?”, Nanami asked, his brow furrowing from the pleasure. You attempted to say yes, but gave up entirely, letting him use your mouth. He pulled your head off when he was close, dick pulsating as he denied himself sweet release. You coughed and sputtered a bit, eyes watery from the forcefulness of it all. Nanami leaned down and pulled your head up, kissing you hard enough to take the little wind left you had out of your lungs. 

You gasped as he suddenly stood, picked you up, and put you on the desk, but ass up face down. He sat back down in his chair, your wet pussy right in front of his mouth. “Is this what you want?”, he spoke right against it and you moved your ass back so much you almost fell. He held your ass and hips. “Please, Kento, please,” you begged, a whining mess with your cheek up against the wood. “I want it, I want it.” Nanami didn’t leave you hanging, instantly starting to suck on your clit. “Oh god f-fuck!” His mouth sucked and licked at your slit, taking in the taste of your arousal with a low groan. He hummed, letting the vibrations give you a bit of extra sensation. Your hips rocked and shook, and he held you tight, not allowing you an inch of movement as he ate you out like it was the last thing he’d ever do. “Kento! Oh god, Kento fuck!-” “So vocal for me. Although I don’t expect anything else from a brat like you who can’t keep her mouth shut otherwise.” He let his long tongue dip inside of you, pushing your hips back and forth to tongue fuck you. His thumbs spread your ass cheeks apart, opening up your pussy for him. 

You were so sensitive you were shaking. Your tits were rubbing against the desk, nipples hard from the teasing stimulation. Your pussy clenched around his tongue and once again you felt your orgasm creep up on you while Nanami licked you. He sucked on your clit repeatedly, letting it go with a small pop sound over and over again, switching between that and using his tongue to soak your slit in his spit. “Shit- shit, fuck,” you panted, brows knitted tightly on your face as your eyes shut. Nanami knew you were close, could see it in the way your legs trembled and your moans broke up into gibberish. “Going to cum, darling? Hm?” “Yes! Pl-please! Kento! Let me cum!” Nanami kept licking and sucking and like clockwork, as soon as the precipice was before you, you were yanked back. It almost made you want to cry. “Kento cut it out, please! I’ll be good, I p-promise! I-”

Your sentence was interrupted by Nanami adjusting you and pulling your legs back down so your toes touched the floor again. He stood up and started to press himself into you, his cock stretching you out in a way you didn’t think was possible. You were so close to finishing the feeling of him sheathing himself inside of you made you cum. “F-fuck! Oh fuck!” You moaned and writhed and Nanami growled behind you, starting to slowly piston his dick inside of your pussy. His hands traveled up to his dress shirt, unbuttoning it and tossing it aside while he fucked you. “You said you wanted to cum, right? Isn’t that what you wanted, darling?,” he breathed. Being edged made you 10 times more sensitive, and all you could do was moan and hiccup from the way your pussy convulsed around his length. “I’m giving you what this pussy wants.” Nanami couldn’t help himself, watching as your ass moved with every thrust into your pussy. All you could do was take it, Nanami’s hands preventing you from running. 

The room was filled with the sounds of sin: the slapping of skin, your desperate moans, and Nanami’s growls and grunts. He began to move faster, and you could feel his tip hit your cervix in the best way with every single thrust. “K-Kento! F-f-fuck!” “Is this all you wanted, darling? You being punished and fucked like the brat you are?” You nodded weakly, too enraptured by the feeling of his cock sliding in and out of you. You began to shake again and Nanami slapped your ass. “Go ahead, I know you want to. You’ve been begging for it all night. Cum.” Your body responded immediately and your orgasm slapped you in the face. Your hips couldn’t buck from his strong grip but the rest of you did, squirming on the desk while you coated his dick in white.  

Nanami didn’t give you a chance to rest, pulling out and quickly picking you up. He slid back in as he carried you over to a small sofa on the other side of his office. He bounced you up and down like you were a rag doll as he walked, kissing you feverishly and swallowing your moans until he laid your back down onto the cushions. Grabbing your legs, he put them over his shoulders, starting to thrust into your pussy again. The change in position left your head spinning, and deeper angle made your moans increase in pitch and volume. “Keep these pretty legs up here while I fuck you into submission,” Nanami growled, holding them as he pounded you. “G-od shit! Fuck! Y-yes, yes, y-yes Sir!” “Now look at that, she’s learning,” he smirked a little, letting your legs rest against his shoulders and leaning down to kiss you more. Your knees were damn near touching his ears and you couldn’t get enough. His hands tried to reach under your back to unclasp your bra, but he got impatient, instead ripping it through the middle and taking a tit into his hand to knead while he fucked and kissed you. 

Moans poured into Nanami’s mouth and he drank them like the sweetest wine he’d ever tasted. His dick started to hit your g-spot, and you couldn’t control the way you grew even louder. He was relentless against the sensitive area, and you started to whine. “I-I’m gonna! G-gonna c-cum!” That was the only warning you gave him as your pussy clenched and tightened around his cock rhythmically. “Oh? Is my good girl that sensitive?” Nanami reached his hand down from your breast to your clit and you started to squirm harder. He had you pinned with nowhere to go as you tried to handle the overstimulation. “T-too much! Please Kento!” “Too much? But I thought you wanted to cum?” He asked, voice breathy but still deep against your lips. He rubbed and fingers faster and harder and sped up his thrusting, and you felt like you could explode. His cock was covered in your cum. But he wanted more. He wanted to show you he could deny you, but he could also make you overindulge. “Give me another one. Now. Now brat, cum again.” 

Your body seemed to be running on autopilot, listening to his command the moment it left his lips. The intense pleasure made your eyes well up with tears and Nanami praised you over and over again. “Good, good girl, there we go, that’s what I wanted,” he moaned as he continued to thrust. He moved his hand and picked you up again all without pulling out once more. When he got to a wall, however, he did put you down, his dick slipping out of you as your weak legs held you up in front of him. “Against the wall.” “K-Kento I don’t think I can sta-” “I won’t let you fall. Hands against the wall, darling.” You turned around, putting your palms against the wall and jutting your ass out. Nanami took one hand and held your hip, easing himself back into you with a moan. He took the other and ran it up your neck, grabbing your hair almost from the scalp and pulling your head back as he began his fervent pace once more. You couldn’t hold back your moans, and your legs wanted to give out. He wrapped his arm around you to keep you steady. 

“That’s right. I’ve got you. All you have to do is fucking take it,” he groaned into your ear. “Y-ah! Yes Sir! K-Kento oh fuck! Oh fuck, oh fuck!” You were trying your hardest, but your words descended into gibberish and half-spoken curses. Nanami was beginning to lose his patience, his dick throbbing angrily inside of you from holding back his orgasm. But he needed one more out of you. He wanted to leave you shaking with ecstasy. “Take it, take it, take it,” he growled with each thrust, your mouth open as you began to slightly drool, hot, salty tears running down your face. The both of you were covered in sweat, and it just made the slapping sounds of his balls hitting your slit even louder. “This is your punishment,” he moaned, “Are you going to disobey me again?” “N-No!” He moved forward slightly so his mouth was right up against your ear. “Are you going to be a fucking brat or are you going to be my good girl?” 

Your vision was getting hazy. His dick was fucking you into oblivion and you gladly wanted to let it. “Answer me,” he growled, yanking your hair a bit harder. “Ah! G-good! I’ll b-be good Kento!” “Say it,” he panted, starting to feel himself get closer to release. “I-I’m a good g-girl!” “Again.” “G-god- fuck Kento pl-please!” “I said again!” “I’m a good g-girl! I’m y-your good girl K-Kento! Fuck I’m gonna c-cum please l-let me cum!” “Do it, darling. Cum for me.” The both of you came at the same time, and he held you as much as he could as he let his cum pour into you. “F-Fuck!”, he moaned loudly while his hand holding your hair moved to cover your mouth, knowing your screams would be extra loud. They were mixed with cries, the overstimulation leaving you weak. Your hips convulsed and he growled into your ear as it filled you up, his thrusts slowing down as the both of you rode it out. 

He gently pulled out of your spent pussy, keeping you upright as he finally untied your wrists. Tossing the garment away, he picked you up and held you close to his chest as he sat down on the sofa. You laid your head in the crook of his neck, your legs wrapped around his waist. “You did so well,” he whispered, stroking your back. The air grew silent then and you both basked in the afterglow of everything. The both of you cuddled for what felt like hours, eyes closed and heartbeats steady. “I really…am sorry,” you piped up, voice a low whisper. “Hm? Are you talking about the mission?” “Yes. I should’ve listened to you. I wasn’t quite ready yet.” “It’s alright. What matters is that you came back safe and sound,” he murmured, absently feeling a scar that ran up your back from the incident. The both of you grew silent once more, letting each other feel and touch each other's skin intimately in the process. “I can’t believe it really took you this long to figure it out.” “…I’m not sure how that information is relevant to the situation.” “Now look at who’s being a bad liar.” 

_______________________________________________________

pumped this one out in two days, it was super fun to write. hope you enjoyed it! <3 -leyley

[writingquestionsanswered]

Hello!

I am currently writing a novel that takes place in a traveling circus. Since all the primary characters are performers, their acts are, of course, a very important part of the story/who they are. Therefore, I'm wondering if you have any advice on how to go about describing the performance acts (i.e., contortion, trick-riding, clown acts, etc.) in the book? I fear the descriptions will end up sounding boring, being confusing, or seeming convoluted. I've primarily worked on screenplays for films, so this has been a great struggle for me. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Thank you so much!

Describing Circus Acts

1 - Map Out Your Need - Before you do anything else, it will help to map out the specific moments in the story where these performances will occur. What specific feat, trick, or sketch is being performed and by which character? Is it a performance, audition, or practice? Who else is watching? Who is the POV character? Does anything unusual need to happen with the performance?

2 - Research the Details - Once you have the specific moments mapped out, it will be much easier to research the details, and having a grasp on the details is essential to good description. You can create a much more authentic image if you know the names of different contortion poses or different trick riding moves, for example. Since you mapped out the need in step one, you should have a good idea of how much of the performance will need to be described to the reader, too.

3 - Consider Sensory and Emotional Details - Another part of creating an authentic and impactful description is remembering to consider the sensory and emotional details. What can the POV character see? What can they hear? What can they smell? What can they taste? What can they feel, both physically (touch, internal cues) and emotionally? See: colorful costumes, props, the joyful faces of the audience. Hear: prop noises, music, audience laughter. Smells: popcorn, circus animals, people smells from the crowd. Taste: circus food, bile rising in throat from nervous anticipation. Feel: warmth of the crowd, numb butt from hard seats, butterflies of anticipation, sense of thrill and joy.

4 - Resist the Urge to Overdo it - Even if these performances play a big role in the characters' lives, if the reader wanted eleven hours worth of circus performances, they'd probably just watch eleven hours worth of circus performances on YouTube. The performances themselves should play only a very small role in the actual action... like Katniss Everdeen's bow skills, Luke Skywalker's piloting prowess, and Arya Stark's Faceless Man shapeshifting abilities. They're shown only when they add something to the story, and never just for the sake of showing them.

5 - Some Telling is Just Fine - Obviously in fiction we want to rely on showing as much as possible, but there are certainly times when "telling" makes more sense, and telling is a great way to make sure these performances feel like the important part of the characters' lives they are without feeling every scene has to highlight such a performance. For example, once you've shown a couple of contortionist performances, you might instead have the contortionist doing something else in a scene... helping another performer, making repairs on a costume, or doing whatever they do in their spare time, and maybe have them talk about an earlier performance or something they're going to do in a performance that night. You and even have other characters refer to other characters' performances. For example, "I don't know where Ribena went. She was monkeying around with her horse's saddle while Lian was doing their Double Marinelli bend finale, and I haven't seen her since."

Happy writing!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[sillystringpony]

Reflections on Rosemary:

experimenting with a psuedo-pop-art style (ben day dots yay!) for some angsty chalmskinn fanart, and a discussion about Rosemary Chalmers.

[TW: discussion of eating disorders]

I made this piece because I feel like I haven't really seen a lot of chalmskinn content that takes Shauna into account, which I guess makes sense since she isn't given all that many interactions with her dad. Anyway, I've always seen her delinquency as stemming from her mother's death: in my eyes, she's not a bad person, she's just a girl who misses her mother. I started wondering how that would play into the chalmskinn ship; I feel like she'd be fine with her dad's various flings and one-night-stands, but would recoil at any sign of her father moving on emotionally from Rosemary. I definitely want to explore how that might impact the dynamic between Seymour and Shauna a bit more in the future, especially since I've always been a huge fan of the new step-parent trying to connect with a hung up step-child trope (I really love Quibble Pants/Clear Sky because of this... if there are any bronies reading).

Her Father's Temper and Her Mother's Eyes, 2024.

no need to grip the pancake so hard girl it aint going anywhere

If I'm remembering correctly, Rosemary's character was first introduced in season 16 when the superintendent mentions his wife is very sick. There's then no real mention of her until season 23, in Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts, when she's pretty much confirmed dead, and Gary reflects on how he misses her (which was way more upsetting than it should be, fuck you, you funny yellow people). She's finally explicitly confirmed as dead in season 30.

Autism is as autism does, so I fixated in on these little tidbits and tried to fill in the gaps with my own headcanons. Around the time I was doing so, I was going through a really hard period with my own anorexia - I was experiencing a lot of potentially fatal symptoms and beneath the anorexic delusion, I was genuinely scared for myself. Because of that, I sort of subconsciously projected myself onto Rosemary; it's never explained how exactly she died, only that she was 'very sick'. Rather than take the more conventional route of headcanoning her as having fallen victim to a fundamentally physical illness, I decided to go the route of having her lose the struggle to anorexia nervosa.

At first, obviously, it was just a simple projection of my own issues and illness at the time. You know: I'm scared I'm going to die from this illness... I'm going to cope with these fears by exploring the lives of a person's loved ones after an eating-disorder-related death. It did kind of start to make sense to me, though: Gary Chalmers is a very traditionally masculine man, and I feel like the struggle of losing someone to a mental illness is something that would play with his character with more depth than simply losing her to physical illness. This, in part, came from seeing my own father (who admittedly reminds me of Gary) react so poorly to my own eating disorder: there is something very emotionally impactful about witnessing men who only have the capacity to understand mental illness as a non-physical, unmanifested ailment fight to understand why their loved one is fading away because of something that cannot be cured with surgery, or medicine, or physical therapy. Also, inpatient treatment isn't exactly cheap; so I feel like Chalmers' working an extra job to earn money for what was implied to be Rosemary's treatment checks out under my headcanon.

I haven't really thought much about the specific timeline of things, but a few months ago, I was writing a chalmskinn oneshot where the boys get drunk and wind up on Mount Springfield in the middle of the night (sadly unfinished): there's a moment where the two discuss the death of Rosemary that I think pretty much sums the details of my headcanon up:

“Doy,” sang Seymour: admittedly in slightly bad taste. "You know, you never said what it was. Oh- Hic… Let me guess. Was it, ya' know... The big C?” “No, no… Heart failure.” “What-? Wait, wait, wait… All those years ago, you said she was sick.” “She was sick, you… You… Stupid,” grumbled Gary. He collapsed backwards and next to Seymour with a resigned sigh. “She had anorexia.” “...Oh.” “Mmm… I- I paid for every single treatment I could, Seymour. Behavioural therapy, so, so many inpatient stays in the psychiatric ward, but no matter what she went through, she just kept getting worse. It was so scary- I, she- The woman I married was, she was disappearing right in front of me; a little more every day. I tried to get her to eat; I- I tried to stop her from throwing it up… God, it got physical, once: she was a small, small woman, but that day… She fought like a, a wild dog- Scraping, and kicking- Fuck, even biting, just to get herself free enough from me to vomit.” “Goodness. I- I had no idea.” “Pssht… Nobody did. She- she hid it so well, but behind closed doors,” Chalmers had to stop speaking for a moment. He swayed from side to side in silence; as if the rocking would stop the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “She was dying… Sometimes I wish it was cancer. Well- No, not cancer, just- Something physical, something that could have been cured with treatment, or a pill, or surgery, or what-fucking-ever. But nooo, it had to be a disorder that me- Stupid fucking me- That I couldn’t understand. That I couldn’t help her with… Besides paying for her treatment.”

I'm currently just over two months into recovery for anorexia, and I'm doing so much better (not to be TMI, but I definitely will not miss the gastrointestinal bleeding and incontinence, haha). Anyway, I just wanted to half-dedicate a post to talking about Rosemary; I was really socially isolated when my symptoms were at my worst, and it was headcanons and projections like this that helped me feel a bit less alone, and at the end of the day, really got me through the struggle of fighting a disorder on my lonesome. I'd love to hear your guys' thoughts on this, or if you personally have any similar headcanons for other fictional characters.

[clownawnie]

Pathologic 2 thoughts now that i finished it

After a very long 52, nearly 53 hours, I finally finished Pathologic 2. These are my thoughts and feelings after finishing it and how it impacted me as a mixed indigenous person. I am Māori not Buryat so my perspective is just from growing up as a mixed person and not anything culturally specific.

Also! This will be all over the place, this is less of a structured analysis and more so just me jotting down my feelings and experiences with the game just to get them out there. I briefly go over the endings so spoilers for that i guess

Okay to start I really enjoyed Pathologic 2, it's truly a one of a kind experience. I played on an easier difficulty because I wanted to experience the story first (I do plan to replay the game at the intended difficulty at a later date) but it still felt challenging, I was definitely not having a walk in the park and it was for the best. I struggled a lot as someone going in mostly blind to Patho 2. I was very adamant about not using guides and while it added to my experience of the game it also caused me to fuck up and die a lot. (the first 16 hours or so were from my first attempt which failed miserably) 

I really enjoyed the gameplay, despite initially being overwhelmed by the size of the town I found it easier to navigate in the latter half of the game. I personally love games where you just collect stuff and searching through drawers and dressers for random coins and buttons was very fun for me. Walking around and just admiring the scenery was quite relaxing (when I wasn’t being chased by men with knives). The clunky combat wasn’t a deal breaker for me but the lack of aim reticle did make it hard to actually hit people consistently with the gun but eh that wasn’t really a problem. It did take an embarrassingly long time for me to figure out certain mechanics (like sneaking) I also love a lot of the characters, although I have a very clear favourite.

  Artemy very quickly became a character that was dear to me. I heavily related to him as a mixed Indigenous person who used to be close with their culture but now feels disconnected as an adult. Seeing him struggle with language, struggling to remember the right terms and the customs that used to come easily to him. Having a foot in two worlds but unsure of where you belong in either of them. He’s just like me fr. I immediately got invested in Artemy’s story and it made me try my hardest to play his part well. I love imagining myself acting as the player characters in games and it seemed fitting for Pathologic 2.

This personal investment in Artemy made certain parts of the games very difficult for me emotionally. There were many moments during the game when I had done something wrong and it struck me hard. Playing Pathologic 2 felt less like controlling a character and more like being the character, I wasn’t controlling Artemy I was Artemy. Every time I messed up it hurt. I was failing, doing a poor job filling in the role and because of it those closest to Artemy, to me, were getting sick.

I remember the first time one of the characters got infected, it was notkin. He was infected after going into the death house, I remember how my face dropped seeing Notkin all wrapped up and sickly. I was panicked when I realised Murky’s friend wasn’t just the girl's imagination but an embodiment of the plague and I felt absolutely lost on day 10 finding all of the kids infected with only 5 cures on me.

Overall I loved the story, I love things that can make me feel so much dread and pain and Pathologic 2 very much did that. However, I’m very conflicted on both endings. I played through both of them one after the other and I’m unsure how I feel about them.

I knew nothing about the endings when going into the game so I had no expectations but around day 9 or 10, after the talk with Isidor in the dream did I realise where the game was heading and it made me upset. For some background, I have struggled alot with where i stand in the world in terms of identity, being mixed can feel so isolating and i struggled alot with feeling like i couldn’t fit in with either side. I’ve been dealing with this over the years and feel more comfortable with both parts of my identity, not having to pick one or the other and existing as both. So i felt an awful feeling in my gut when i realised the story was pulling me, that i would have to make a decision town or kin. It felt cruel to make artemy pick between his two halves.

The endings themselves i’m torn on. I don’t particularly like either ending very much, maybe my feelings will change when i’ve had more than 24 hours to stew on my thoughts.

The diurnal ending left me feeling quite empty, I saved the town but killed the earth, assimilating the kin into the town and leaving no room for the past. The idea of the past and the future being incompatible pains me.

The framing of the nocturnal ending made me feel odd. It's the preservation of the past, of miracles. But it felt so… horrific… seeing people, children wandering out into the steppe. People artemy was closest to unable to even recognise him. It was framed much darker than the diurnal ending, it made siding with the kin feel like i had made a mistake. Im unsure if this was the intention of the ending but its how it felt. Maybe I’ll dissect the endings in greater detail at another date after hearing more perspectives from other players.

Overall, I am glad i played pathologic, despite my torn feelings on the endings I do deeply enjoy the game, the world and the characters and i can’t wait to play through it all again. I want to 100% the game, see everything it has to offer, achieve what feels like the impossible and save everyone.

[sflow-er]

Happy three years of Young Royals

I remember I kept coming across the trailer in June 2021 and being unimpressed by what looked like Swedish Elite. The only reason YR ended up on my watch list was this post by author Jonas Gardell:

It took me a week or two more to actually start watching, but once I did, I could not stop. So, my thanks for everything this show brought into my life go out to the entire cast and crew - but also to one of my favourite Swedish authors for that final nudge!

In that spirit, I want to promote Gardell's own stuff here as three of his shows are now available worldwide on SVT Play. There are no subs only Swedish subs, so you can put those YR-inspired Swedish skills to good use! I've written English blurbs under the cut.

That happy GIF of Rasmus and Benjamin breaks my heart. Anyway...

De halvt dolda (2009, 4 episodes)

Tells the stories of four families living in Stockholm with particular emphasis on the children. In the 1970s, there are three brothers, rebelling against their religious father and dealing with the loss of their mother. In the 1990s, there's a young skinhead with two little brothers and an alcoholic mum, and a withdrawn closeted young boy from a suburban family who is targeted by the skinhead and his friends. The fourth family consists of a married couple in the 1970s; the husband is emotionally abusive to his wife and jealous of his successful brother.

Won the Kristallen award for best drama.

Torka aldrig tårar utan handskar (2011, 3 episodes)

Probably Gardell's best-known work, this is a tragic story about a young gay couple and their friend group, set during the AIDS epidemic in 1980s Stockholm. The story starts with small-town boy Rasmus moving into the big city and being taken under the wing of an out-and-proud man named Paul. Through him and his friends, Rasmus meets and falls in love with Benjamin, a closeted Jehovah's Witness. All their lives are soon overshadowed by the new sickness sweeping through town.

Won the Kristallen award for best drama.

De dagar som blommorna blommar (2019, 3 episodes)

A heavy drama about three boys whose families are neighbours in 1970s Stockholm. There are tensions bubbling under and facades being upheld by their parents, with long-lasting impact on their lives. In the 1990s, one of the guys has decided to take his family to Estonia to discover his heritage (with tragic consequences). Another is still stuck under the abusive influence of his older brother, while the third is directing a play about his parents' divorce.

This one got slightly mixed reviews; Aftonbladet gave it four stars while Svenska Dagbladet gave only two. Apparently, the jumps between timelines can be hard to follow and the story gets melodramatic at times, but the acting is top notch. I didn't actually get the chance to watch it when it came out so I intend to do it this summer!

[soo-won]

gintama was healing to me because its nature has a comedy show that breaks the 4th wall all the time is that it helps you take a distance. like don't get me wrong gintama can be deep and serious but it's also so very unserious in a way that doesn't make the serious parts less impactful it's just yeah listen life is stupid and absurd like that and people are full of wounds but overall we all act very silly. it humbles itself all the time in a way that i found very pleasing...When I love something I tend to dig deeper and deeper and it can be hard for me to take a distance the more i'm emotionally invested. And then you have gintama that constantly switch between 20 episodes of the characters doing shits together and serious arcs with character deaths and brain rewiring level of drama and angst. And even in these serious arcs there is an effective mix of comedy and seriousness that makes it undoubtly gintama (I think that's why I have issues with farewell shinsengumi tbh it takes itself too seriously to my taste...among other things but that's another discussion).

When Gintoki reveals his wooden sword has nothing special at all and that he threw away the notebook of his dead teacher bc he spilled ramen on it, and when the characters make fun of takasugi's emo image behind his back, and when we finally get a joui4 reunion and you expect tragic reminiscences of a lost war and camaraderie but it's actually so stupid you even wonder if it's real. The war was definitely a traumatizing experience and we see that as well, but what matters most is what the characters choose to remember, and how they live day by day in the present.

And I still love trying to fill the blanks and thinking about the characters' past and what made them who they are today but it's all very personal in the end. i will make my assumptions based on vibes and what i choose to take seriously or not. it's like the cat of shrödinger(sorry) but like 'is gintama deep or not' and you never know for sure and it doesnt matter in the end and it's fun. And something Gintama is very serious about is that there is so much love in the comedy and the fun.

[bingejesus]

Spoiler Review of S4 Episode One

Ok so I gave a non spoiler review of episodes 1-3 buuuut it is now time for the spoilers I will be tagging these so no one who does not want to see them will. If somehow, you are reading this part, please please please be aware that from this sentence forward there are spoilers for season four episode 1 of The Chosen. Ok? Ok.

…

Episode One:

Ok so literally episode one John the Baptist is martyred. And it is breathtakingly beautiful. The dancer who played Salome was phenomenal, I don’t think she had a single line, her whole thing was practicing and performing the dance which I feel like really shows how this was all Herodias’ idea and she was really just a pawn. At the same time, we flashback to young Mother Mary visiting Elizabeth and Zechariah, which was funny and sweet and so heartwarming. It really is odd to see a woman clearly in her 70s or even 80s pregnant but knowing the story it just made me so happy. We also see Joanna going to tell the disciples and Jesus about John. It’s all intercut between Zechariah’s prophecy about John as a baby, the party, Joanna, and the actual death of John. The scene of the execution is somehow beautiful even as we know something horrible is happening. As John is being led away, he quotes what Jesus had his disciples tell him, “The lame walk, the blind see, the dead are raised,” and he says, “The way of the Lord is prepared.” Which just sent shivers down my spine. We see the silver platter John’s head will be served on and the soldier says that usually it’s used for a wedding banquet to which John says, “I’ve never been to a wedding banquet, but I’m going to one.” Which again, I’m just sobbing at this point. Right as John is about to die, he looks out a window and sees a spotless lamb feeding outside, like a final sign that his mission is fulfilled. Obviously we don’t see a severed head, but the swing of the axe is just as impactful. We cut to Jesus by himself, as if already preparing for the news. When he is told, we see him mourn. Rip his clothes, and cover himself in dirt. It’s heartbreaking to say the least. Also, it is important to note that Ramah returns and everyone is gathering together. Then, we see Joanna arrive and tell Andrew, and then everyone else. The last thing we see is Jesus approaching the group, torn clothes, dirt on his face, looking…disillusioned? It’s hard to describe it. Almost like he’s been too emotionally exhausted to have a readable expression.

Another thing to note, was that Zebeddee and sons have the olive oil ready and are giving it to the local synagogue for ritual purposes. Yousef says it is to benefit local enterprise, but Rabbi Akira is skeptical. Tamar goes with them but is not allowed in the synagogues being both a woman and a Gentile, obviously upsetting her. (Big James offers to stay with her instead of going in!!!!!!! The ship is real!!!!!)

Oh and I just remembered that Salome did have a line and it was just to say, “Anything?” When Herod says he’ll give her anything after the dance.

The interweaving of baby John and John’s execution was beautifully done. I was sobbing. The moment Zechariah can speak again, he begins prophesying and we hear it over John being led in by the soldiers. I like that John seemed nervous (as obviously anyone would be) but he wasn’t necessarily scared. It was that last moment of seeing the lamb that made him smile just as he died. Oh wow like I said I was crying.

It’s also incredibly hard to watch Jesus cry. I expected it to be, but obviously being a Christian and a follower of Jesus makes it so much harder. Especially after the love and laughter we’ve seen him experience as well. They do not shy away from humanity and that is such a welcomed thing.

Episode One was expected, but still managed to be utterly brilliant in writing and storytelling. We all knew John’s death was coming and it was made into a realistically sorrowful but beautiful reality. I cannot wait until I have it at my fingertips to watch again and again.

So that was episode one. Episode two coming soon!

[lunachats]

finally making real strides on Not being financially dependent on my parents by doing a little bit of work every day and. and geez! it really does feel like im having to employ every trick in the book here to maintain a steady work pace. like im using everything ive learned about my mind and body over the past most-of-a-decade. all in the service of getting an admittedly very small amount of work done on a daily basis.

like, i gotta make sure to do a lil exercise. to stave off the sadness. oh and of course i have to eat well. gotta get the right balance of carbs and protein to maintain my energy and avoid sugar crashes. and i gotta also eat an actual healthyish meal once a day or so, cause too much frozen or fast food has physical & mental health impacts i cant really afford. daily meditation is important. reduced anxiety and increased focus are indispensible for this project! it has to be the right type of meditation tho. if i focus too hard i start to get lil panic attacks, or whatever you wanna call it when anxiety prevents me from functioning. oh and there's also the Void. very different from sadness and anxiety. still kinda learning to manage that one. but i think i have to feed it enriching activities to keep the dread of meaninglessness away. origami, playing catch with myself, browsing the indie web. this one's more complicated than the others, but i think i'm getting a foothold on it at least. then there's the whole system of miscellaneous tricks and coping mechanisms that feels vaguely like an additional resource management mechanic of its own. got friends on discord that can cheer me up, if they're online and emotionally present at the right time. got tulpas i can talk to and imaginary places i can visit. i can make art, too, when i have time and motivation. in leiu of other grounding strategies i can always eat a carrot, or leave the house, or neutrally observe my surroundings. out of all of these, i dont always remember which tool to use, and they dont always work the way im hoping, but there's options. and if i get one or two things wrong and reach for the right tool at the wrong time, oopsie doopsie! that's a whole half-day of productivity down the drain... i guess this is just logically what unmedicated adhd and mental illness feels like from the inside. but meds aren't really an option right now, so i guess im just gonna keep doing all of this stuff and hope that maybe in 6-10 months, when all of these habits have started to crystallize, when im thusly more in shape and my house is cleaner and ive got savings in the bank and jhana at my fingertips and an arsenal of additional time-saving kitchen utilities... well, perhaps then managing my wellness so that i can work for a living won't feel like some kinda cross between a tightrope walk and a high-stakes rts game...

[seeingteacupsindragons]

Hello....Do you mind if I ask your top 5 (or top 10) favorite moments from any media that you love (books, anime/manga, tv series, movies, games, etc)? Thanks if you want to answer. Sorry if I ask too much....

Ah, I don't think I can do favorite moments. How about "Moments that overloaded me so much I needed to stop short and process"? Because favorite or not, these ones all impacted me very deeply.

1. That bit in Noragami Aragoto when Yukine sacrifices his name for Yato's safety and becomes a Blessed Vessel.

Look, I had to pause the show for about 20 minutes when watching it for the first time because I was so Overcome. I was watching with my little brother, and he had the same reaction. We spent the twenty minutes incoherently making noises at each other in the middle of the night until we could finally calm down enough to continue.

Something about how far Yukine came from a frustrated, sullen kid who was acting out because he had been hurt and traumatized so badly, to willing to give up everything for the person who risked everything for him was just. Wow. Wowwww. 1000/10 character arc.

2. This moment toward the end of The Furies of Calderon when Tavi had messed something up and his uncle wasn't speaking to him, and he had gone so silent and cowed, and Amara was like, "Huh, I've seen actual abuse, but this hurt this kid so quietly?"

Because all I could think of was how I knew exactly what it was like to make a small mistake trying to help someone else and lose everything for it because of the way my parents acted, even though absolutely no one understood what it would mean for me or that my parents would not forgive.

I cried. I don't know if I was supposed to? But I did.

3. Viktor launching himself at Yuuri to kiss him in episode 7 of Yuri!!! On ICE

I watched this one live, so there was no need to pause the show or anything to process. But I do remember around that point in the episode, I stood up and spent the credits/etc. raking my hand through my hair, pressing my lips together, trying to hold it together because What did I just see?

I then frantically DM'd all my friends to message me immediately after they'd seen the episode, and then went for two separate runs in November in the Upper Midwest without a jacket, trying to settle whatever I was. Doing. Emotionally.

Ahhhhh!!!!

Ahhh!

4. Toward the end of Trick of the Light when Zeke and Griffin confessed to finally having got together

Because back in high school when I was reading this, I had spent the entire book shipping them and telling myself it was a proper urban fantasy novel, not a romance novel, it wasn't a schlocky BL manga, of course they weren't going to--WHAT? THEY DID???

I screamed. I threw the book (library book. Ooops!). I was mad, but at myself, but why, that was the environment I had been lead to believe in? But? No.

5. The end of the last episode of the Nabari no Ou anime.

When I tell you I cried. I cried for, legitimately, hours. A friend and I had stayed up almost all weekend in college shotgunning the series, it was 10am on Sunday morning after having not slept all night, I went back to my dorm room after starting my sobbing session, and could not sleep, because oh my God.

I don't usually cry to visual media. It doesn't usually hit as hard. Yoite....Yoite brought me to pieces.

6. Jeff getting outed in volume 10 of The Case Files of Jeweler Richard

I'm pretty sure I kept suffering through machine translation of the novel after that, but my brain was still focusing on processing...that...Jeff...was gay. I don't think I stayed up much longer that night. Because. Because. BECAUSE.

Lots more, probably, but this is my most memorable ones for right now.

Laters!

[raspberry-gloaming]

This is some ramblings about a sort of oc, for the missing mid 30s district 2 victor for @lorata 's We Must Be Killers universe. It's not all coherent and there's a lot of run on sentences here, but it's all just thoughts currently.

First off, introducing Knox! 2m, victor of the 35th Annual Hunger Games.

Merchant class, not quarry or offering, kinda in the middle just like he's in the middle of the shift from the elite to the modern way the center changed. His childhood was honestly pretty neglectful emotionally by his parents. They already had two other children, one to carry on the business, one to become a peacekeeper. Knox was an accident, an afterthought. They put him in the program to give him something to do, and somewhere to put him and forget about him for a while. Perhaps he'd come out with a good reference. Perhaps he'd become a peacekeeper like his brother. Perhaps he'd die in the arena. It didn't really matter - he was away and easily forgotten about in residential from 13, and they got a tidy stipend.

He was 18 in 35, so was 13 in 30. which means he was one of the new residential kids who were there when it all went down with I think he was called James? But with Joseph and all that. That's fun! (not)

He's like the opposite of Lyme when it comes to kids. The younger the better, he'd be great as a trainer of the 7-9s honestly. Babies, young kids, he loves them, gets on great with them. But the closer they get to residential age... nah.

It's partly due to the 30th and what happened, partly due to how his year group were just a bit wild. They did some shit, saw some shit, took it too far a lot of the time. Wanted to prove themselves and got too cocky when they knew that they wouldn't act like James had. The trainer's would put a stop to stuff, sure, but alot of it was psyching them all up. Getting them stronger, more confident (too confident, even when they were wiped the floor with by the older trainees.) No-one in this year would fail at volunteering and getting far. Both the kids and the trainers, as well as the trainers' treatment and reaction to the kids made sure of it. The arena wiped some of that out of Knox, but it was a recovery process, definitely. He later met up with some of his year mates and they'd had a tough time in detox. It wasn't just the events, of course, but it definitely had an impact, with the actions of the trainees and the trainers, as well as how they acted in the mock arena and who was selected down to the final few at the end.

Knox wasn't the craziest out there by far, in fact he was probably the least out of all of them. He knew how to put it on though, but was wary of his year mates. He got the highest scores in his year, which is why he was chosen, not because of his persona or personality. While they needed someone who was desperate to do the task, they also needed someone noble enough for the five year mark.

He's a bit dramatic honestly, but has definitely calmed down by the time canon rolls around. He's nearly 60 then, afterall. His dramatics have definitely changed over the years. From the petty, huffy, why aren't you __ at me?! phase several graduates go through, to an "oh god I'm an old man." he's thought himself as one of the old squad for a long time. Even when he was in his thirties, and with Adessa who thinks Odin (4 years older than Knox) is a baby, I wonder what she'd think of him lmao. He's quite a hypochondriac, and I'm not sure who the village go to for a doctor when not in the capitol but I'm sure they're busy with him. I feel like he'd go to Emory a lot trying to get her to teach him how to make all her quarry natural remedies and such.

While he doesn't really like teenagers and generally up until they're 21, he's got a soft spot for the volunteers and young victors. He remembers what it fealt like, how much the arena changed and took from you and how hard it was. He mentors a lot of the "lost causes." Like when it's been a massive string of careers in a row, or there's a major rumour that the arena is made for an outlier win, or in the 2nd quarter quell, or two has just got a double victor (43) so they aren't going to have a third straight after.

He also mentors those who think they are a lost cause. When it's been a tough time, and they want to win! and they'll do their duty! but they're starting to give up hope, Knox likes to come in and beat that out of them (litterally, as well as metaphorically). Unfortunately, since he never got a victor, due to choosing those who weren't likely, it hasn't impacted well for his second type, those who don't think they are likely but still have just the same chance as always, if they just get in the right headspace.

He mentored on and off for a long time, I think his last would have been the 63rd. Which is longer than the normal, but he had heart and wanted the best for those he believed had it in them.

Since then he'd settled down into his "old age" even though he's not even 60 and still spars and keeps as active as the other older twos. His talent has something with acting, privately I mean. I think his public might be a bit similar, something that he still enjoys like poetry reading because he can be dramatic with it and hide jibes amongst the metaphors against the Capitolites he's reading it too. The capitol may take his talent in the way they always do, but he can poke fun at them while they do it.

He's got a garden, and he likes walking on the mountain trail. One of the things that he got built as a new victor was actually in the forest behind, a stone, old fancy amphitheatre like the ancient ones. He likes doing soliloquies and monologues and one man shows out there, but if he can drag anyone else out to join in he's as pleased as a punch.

[destinyisall-tlk]

seven kings must die (personal thoughts/opinions)

i finally watched the movie and here are some of the thoughts i had about it. this will not be spoiler free. so if you haven't watched the movie and plan to, then read this after if you wish:

first and foremost, it wasn't a bad movie. i would give it an average rating of C+. there were a few things that could have been done better, and some of the pacing throughout the movie felt a bit off. i did find the first half of the movie a bit slow, but during the last part it did pick up and find its footing. that said, there are still a few questions i have, and a few things i wish weren't either rushed or explained more.

firstly, i am confused about the timeline and what the gap is between S5 and seven kings because i don't recall them mentioning how many years had passed. quite a few must have because osbert looked older. and i remember aethelstan saying he was sorry for his behaviour the past year, but surely it hadn't only been a year since the end of S5 to the start of the movie?

now onto aethelstan. obviously, he was being emotionally manipulated by ingilmundr and that was made clear. there are a few questions i had, like how long was the manipulation going on for? when did aethelstan leave bebbanbuurg and how did ingilmundr end up in his service (it could have been mentioned and i missed it). i feel like the most simple questions help paint a clearer picture, and those questions may not matter to other people, but i would of liked to have known more. and because some things weren't explained, it made the movie feel rushed. but i did like in the end how aethelstan realized he was wrong (although he could of done so earlier and not had aldhelm killed...), and went to correct his mistakes, and showed guilt for his actions.

onto the dane villain/leader - anlaf - he felt very lackluster to me. but then again, being another dane from iralnd coming to conquer is a hard path to follow after sigtryggr (just saying). i just didn't find him as a convincing threat. and felt he could have been stronger in terms of portrayal and character depth. which is why it probably would have been better as a season format than a movie.

moving to the character deaths. the saddest one by far was aldhelm. he truly did not deserve a death like that. and i felt it was more for shock value then to further the story, because afterwards nothing really happened. uhtred, finan and sihtric were shocked, but that's it. i'm not even sure if father pyrlig knew of his death, there was no mention of it. i just hated how he died and the reason why he did, but at least his with aethelflaed. ingirth's death, again, felt meh. i wasn't sad that she died, i had no emotional connection towards her character, so it wasn't upsetting for me. but i was sad for finan that he lost his wife, the part where he screamed out was heartbreaking. overall, her death felt like they needed to fill the movie death quota so they just picked ingirth.

the decision to have finan narrate was interesting, i enjoyed it. whether you think uhtred went to valhalla or he stayed and died years later at bebbanburg is something for the fans to decide, and adding the small touch of finan narrating aligns well with how the movie ended. speaking of the ending, it was bittersweet. i wasn't expecting them to show valhalla. what would have made it even better is if we saw more of the characters that had died throughout the show, that would have been such a special moment. to see young ragnar, sigtryggr, bloodhair, etc. the emotional impact could have been bigger if there were more characters. but i understand if scheduling was an issue and they couldn't get them. speaking of scheduling, i assume that is the reason why they changed the character who played edgaiu in season 5? it took me half of the movie to realize it was her and edward didn't re-marry...it's a shame because i did like the actress who played her in S5, but what can you do.

out of all the new characters, osbert was my favourite one. his screen time was here and there, but i loved him. clearly, him and uhtred get along well. but the inner part of me that loves to know more details wonders if they ever talked about how uhtred basically abandoned him in S3. and i was waiting for someone to mention hild, i would have thought either uhtred or osbert would have, purely because hild was the one who looked after osbert when he was young, or at least checked in on him from time to time. but no mention of hild which is incredibly disappointing.

which leads me to talk about the absence of some other characters - eadith, stiorra and aelswith (i know with eliza it was scheduling issues). regardless, if you think they would have contributed much to the movie in terms of story, it still would have been nice to get a mention. especially, stiorra. clearly she isn't bebbanburg, so where did she go? is she with another dane clan? is she with her brother? did she go to irland?. same with eadith and aelswith, where did they go?. eadith could have gone back to frankia. aelswith at the end of S5 said she wanted to stay at bebbanburg. but because there isn't any confirmation it leaves a bad taste for me. because you want to know (or at least, i do) where these characters are. it didn't even have to be a whole speech, just a sentence or two about where they are. it leaves blanks, and i don't like blanks that could have been easily explained.

overall, it is sad that we aren't getting any more new last kingdom content (unless there are spin-offs). it was a good movie to end an amazing show. do i think a season 6 would have been better, yes. but at the end of the day, i am just super glad they didn't ruin the show with this movie (looking at you teen wolf).

all i can say is goodbye to the last kingdom. i am so glad i found this little gem of a show on netflix. it has become one of my favourites. so thank you for delivering iconic characters, beautiful storylines/scenery and epic battle scenes.

destiny is all. ⚔️

[the1975attheirverybest]

Hi Halla, I feel kind of bad doing this because I don’t want to bring negativity to you but I kind of consider your asks a safe space and I just wanted to get this thing off my chest. You don’t have to read it, I just needed to rant about this to someone that wasn’t my journal.

I’m currently in the library at my uni, skipping the first of my finals. I basically didn’t study for it and just the prospect of entering the class in which the exam is taking place makes me want to vomit. I can retake it in two weeks, but it’s not the first time this happens this year and I hate lying to other people about it, whether the excuse is illness/grieving/a bad performance, and try to shift the attention on the ones I did pass (mainly thanks to luck). My anxiety is over the roof rn and I’m trying my best to study for my other finals but I currently just want to curl up and cry. I’ve always been the golden child with perfect grades so I feel like I can’t talk about academic struggle bc I don’t want to let down others, especially my parents. It’s been a rough couple of years and I basically lost all of my close ‘friends’ and I’m embarrassed to talk about this topic with the ones I still have because they’ve always seen me as the academic weapon friend and as someone they aspire to be (academically speaking) and I don’t want to crush their vision because I feel like that’s the only remaining piece of the old me. I know it’s not a big deal and that the world has thousands of bigger problems than a privileged white girl complaining about her life but I’m so tired of failing and feeling disconnected from reality and other people. I’ll shut up now, sorry for the rant, I hope you’re having a good day Halla, you’re a lovely person.

Hey baby. 💖

I’m so sorry you are having a difficult time. I understand how you feel cuz I’m in a similar boat myself. I think a lot of it has to do with that I’ve learned from people around me that my self worth is contected to my academic performance. So sometimes I feel like I’m shit as a person if I don’t exceed academically. I know that it’s toxic and even though I understand it “logically.” It can be hard to shake emotionally. So give yourself grace. The thing is, you are the same you who succeeded before. Which means you totally have it within your capacity to do it again. But self-deprecating talk has a very real impact and it can convince even a successful person that they are failing.

There’s a book that someone once gave me. I think it’s called “Elite Minds.” I don’t really do self-help much (and also the person who gave it to me is now my ex so it’s hard for me to pick it up now lol) but it essentially argues that whatever you believe about yourself is the truth. Like it doesn’t matter if you’re some fuckin genius. If YOU believe that you’re shit, you will indeed be shit. You could be Einstein himself. But if you think you’re not going to do well on a task, then you’re going to sabotage yourself into failing.

Honestly idk how to kill the negative self-talk. Sometimes it helps to remember that there’s sooo much more outside of academia. And that smart people come in all sorts of shapes and forms. I’ve met some brilliant folks who work office jobs. And some dumbass morons who have PhDs. Your grades and your school performance don’t define your intelligence.

Hang in there 🤍 exam season is almost over. Best of luck babyyyy 🤍🤍

[darkfire359]

I think it’s impressive how fond I’ve managed to become of Calico Jack over time. I pretty much 100% disliked him in the show, but there’s been a lot of good fanfic of him caring about Izzy and/or Ed underneath his assholish demeanor, and he’s grown on me. Also, there’s just a lot of well-drawn Calicohands fanart.

Rewatching the show several times, I find myself appreciating him more as more of a manipulator than a true idiot, and I definitely prefer that in a villain. I like the headcanon that he’s been calling Stede “Steve” as payback for the “Iggy” comments, and it seems clear now that a lot of his assholery is *actually* calculated to drive Ed and Stede apart. I can appreciate that.

But the thing that really gets me is him killing Karl. And not just that, but also seeing how upset Buttons is about it and still not giving a shit. Cruelty to animals and lack of caring when you’ve made someone cry are kind of hard to get past for me. At least theoretically.

Because the thing is, Ed did something arguably much worse—not just killing Fang’s pet, but FORCING him to do it himself. Then he watched Fang cry about it, and he was not only unapologetic, but he seemed to barely remember the fact that he’d done such an awful thing. And it’s implied that he made his owner crewmembers do the same! I feel like in fiction, something like that generally makes a character rank well past regular torture and murder in terms of evilness.

So, why is Ed still one of my favorite characters? Is it really just because his instance of pet-killing happened off screen? Or is it because we see Ed look so vulnerable in certain scenes (e.g. crying in the bathtub or by the window of Stede’s cabin) that he just mentally registers as being more similar to “cute fluffy puppy” than “killer of cute fluffy puppies”? I don’t know.

In lieu of any actual conclusion to this train of thought, I’m going to muse about Stede and Izzy:

Stede: People have done a lot of compilations about what a bitch he can be, and how he can be shockingly uncaring about his crew (not caring about Swede’s scurvy, thinking of Lucius’s death as simply “bad for morale”). And of course leaving Ed at the docks was astoundingly hurtful. But also, whenever Stede manages to notice that he’s hurt someone else, he actually feels super guilty about it. I feel like his obliviousness makes it easier to forgive him.

Izzy: Izzy goes around being an asshole for the entire show, but also, basically no one cares. Fang seems briefly hurt by the beard-pulling, but we see in e5 that he basically laughs Izzy off and calls him hurtful names in turn. Izzy threatens the crew while they’re eating in e4 and they return to what they’re doing as soon as he leaves. Stede manages to mostly forget Izzy exists unless Izzy is actively complimenting his theatrical skills. Lucius is a bit intimated at first, but quickly flips the tables by the end of e5. Ed seems completely unphased by Izzy’s yelling in e4.

It’s only in e9 where he finally hurts someone emotionally (Ed watching Stede about to be executed), but Izzy looks equally miserable himself with what Ed does that episode. In e10, he truly does hurt Ed’s emotions—but Ed covers it up with threats and acts of control to the degree that I’m not sure Izzy realizes the impact of what he’s done. After all, Ed hasn’t seemed particularly hurt by his yelling before. If Izzy actually saw Ed when he was curled up and crying, what would he do, I wonder?

In conclusion: I would have thought that things like “animal cruelty and unapologetically making other people cry” would be important things to me in a character, but it’s maybe less so than I thought (e.g. I like Ed more than Stede). It’s unclear why. I’m curious if other people who like Jack or Ed in spite of the Buttons+Karl and Fang+dog situations (and expect that you normally would care about those situations) have thoughts on this.

[pedrospatch]

As someone who was very recently having the same feelings about writing and fitting in on here as you are, I very much understand how you feel. It's extremely painful and makes you question everything, but you really, truly, genuinely are a wonderful writer. I'm glad to hear you don't plan to stop writing, but I hope you don’t leave because you bring value to this fandom and to readers. You could write for any character and someone could emotionally connect to it and that's a very powerful gift. I got a message today from someone telling me my fics got them through really hard times, and hon, I'm gonna tell you the same, because it's true. I felt like I should quit writing because there was a lull in my popularity for a couple fics and it damaged my self confidence, but reading your fics reminded me of why I love to write, which is to connect with people. I read "to do the right thing" and was blown away (though you might not have noticed this name. I have separated blogs for everything). So much so that I was like, oh right, this is why I love to write--to feel things like this and hope others feel the same when reading my work. It's hard to remember on here, where we live by notes and comments and reblogs, that sometimes making an impact on one person is a big deal and it matters. You happen to positively impact a large group of people with every story you post.

I feel like I can confidently say that people here support whatever choices you will make moving forward, but I also feel I can confidently say that we would miss you and your writing.

Sorry this is so long. But I get it, hon. Just keep on keeping on. 🩵 I hope you feel better soon.

I legitimately…am crying. Like I always say “oh I’m crying” no but actual tears are coming down right now and I’m so glad because I think for one, I just need a good cry and get out all these feelings I’ve been harboring and two, I have gotten kind words over the last couple of days that have all had such an impact on me and I think this was the last one, in addition to the others that finally felt like a good slap in the face wake up call to snap me out of whatever emotional dumpsterfire state I’ve been in.

I’ve lost quite a few followers between yesterday and today (I get it, emotional pity party Vee who does nothing but bitch and complain is not a fun person to follow so no hard feelings) but it DID make me wonder if I’m truly being nuts about it all and whether my mental health is just so far down the garbage chute that I don’t see how ridiculous I’m being over nothing? But with people reaching out to tell me they know how it feels…I feel a little less crazy, that’s for sure. I feel disappointed in myself for letting myself fall into that damn trap of caring so much about notes. Especially because when I first started out, I didn’t care about it. I was just having fun and sharing my ideas. The human part of me adores the validation and it makes me feel good and that’s okay, but to let it get to the point where I am letting a number determine whether my stuff is good it or not? That’s not okay. I wouldn’t want anyone, especially fellow writers who I think are so talented, to do this.

I feel ashamed tbh. Because you’re right, touching someone with your writing and connecting to people, that’s what is important. I loved getting replies and messages about someone telling me they can put themselves right in my story, that they felt like they were there. I loved that people told me they could feel my character’s emotions. I hold my characters so close to me and I should not stop loving them. They’re mine, and there are people out there who love them too. It shouldn’t matter if it’s 1 or 1000. If one person adores my sweet lil Peach from ASH, than I appreciate that one person for loving a fictional character I created.

I have a few people who have been so supportive of me and reminding me how much they love my writing and they’re more important to me than all the fucking notes and popularity on this site. And to any of these few people, I’m so sorry for being such a sad train wreck of a person. I hope you know how much I appreciate you sticking around and being so encouraging while I have been in my feels. I didn’t mean to be so ungrateful to you. I’m going to keep on writing and posting for myself, but for YOU as well. Because you’ve been here for me and you support me and that means more to me than anything.

Thank you so much for this message. It truly was the last one that snapped me out of it.

[giddlygoat]

SLEEPOVER ASK!!! opinions on um. both sets of pines twins/their dynamics. i am so normal about them especially the fucked up emotionally constipated oldies

ALSO top 5 characters from all of your hyperfixations/spins youve ever had GO

i’m so glad you asked! i haven’t fully watched through gravity falls in several years so the details are bit fuzzy, but i DO remember stanley being a very strong wake-up call for my old man appreciation. it was so refreshing to me to see the weird uncle as such a great main character and gravity falls as a whole impacted me a lot, even though i finally got to watching it quite a bit after everyone else.

regrettably i don’t remember as much about stanford, but i do remember elbowing my twin brother quite a lot and giggling. i love seeing twins in fiction, especially when they love each other Despite It All. both sets of pines are honestly a very accurate depiction of twinhood and it’s soooo nice.

as for dipper and mabel, me and my older sib actually named our cars after them lol, so i refer to my nice van as mabel. dipper is a decrepit little honda civic with every disease but we still love him <3

my top five ultimate favorite characters from all my fixations ever?? whew, this is gonna be hard-

high roller from toontown: corporate clash[PLEEEEASEEEEEE I LOVE HER SO MUCH]

launchpad mcquack specifically from darkwing duck 💥💥

joey drew / henry stein of bendy and the ink machine [it’s complicated? theyre basically ocs to me. and i can’t separate them so they both get one spot sorry lol]

luigi of super mario bros. he just like me fr

zane from ninjago. his autistic robot ass made me who i am today

this list is severely oversimplified for the sake of being in a rush but i humbly offer it. thank you soooo much for the ask dawg i had sm fun !!!!!