#but i did feel some level of romantic attraction so i felt like i didnt belong

[oh-allie]

some arospec thoughts ive been thinking to say fuck you to allonormativity on vday

the guy on all the caution signs is aroace because i said so

somethin' stupid by frank sinatra is such an aromatic song please see my vision

saiki is totally aroace but i also REALLY like terusai and is that so wrong 😿

having the aromatic, asexual, and aroace tags trending on vday is the funniest thing

happy valentines pooksies <33

[oceanwithouthermoon]

detailing what sexuality i think the saiki k characters are for no reason other than its fun

saiki: probably doesnt use labels but if he ever did, biromantic and a-spec. which i honestly think is as "canon" as it could possibly be without directly saying it. hes implied to be feeling SOMETHING towards teruhashi close to the end and is at the very least attracted to her, and he definitely has a crush on satou and outright puts them in a who-likes-who chart. he had no reason to include himself in the love triangle chart if he wasnt involved in it 😭 i dont at all think asou was trying to write a bi-ace character and im aware him liking satou is a gag, but gags are generally canon in saiki k or at least have some lore behind them. i might even say that hes some form of demiromantic ? definitely lines up with his feelings for teruhashi, and i know he doesnt know satou well but hes literally a psychic so "knowing" a person is a lot different for him so i doubt you could describe his sexuality so simply. and these two are the only people he ever shows any romantic interest in AT ALL.

teruhashi: bisexual, also probably as canon as it could be without being canon 😭 she definitely does love saiki towards the end, shown pretty obviously by her expressing she would rather be with him even when hes just sitting there (canonically what he always does) than be with someone rich or talkative. she was also so clearly attracted to aiura, argue with the wall. saiki is her first and only actual crush and before that she literally pictured herself just marrying some rich guy she didnt care about, so i would argue she was probably dealing with some form of comphet although its still mostly because she couldnt picture herself truly opening up to anyone yet

akechi: queer, and i picture him going into long rants about why specific labels dont fit him but he probably knows a lot about them. we get no evidence of his sexuality other than his attraction to teruhashi (which we do know for a fact depends on sexuality because anyone who is canonically or presumably not attracted to girls does not show attraction to her even if they do have a short reaction)

aiura: bi, no gender preference. she was definitely also attracted to teruhashi and does not once point out anything about her gender so im just assuming she doesnt care. also barely reacts when mera implies shes going to have sex with her and just says "looking forward to it"???

kaido: straight but i could see him being flexible, maybe bi with a heavy preference for girls. in canon he obviously sees girls as potential partners and does not see guys as such (see: second half of chapter 232)

yumehara: straight but i can see her being bi with a heavy preference for boys. only attracted to guys in canon but theyre very immature crushes which always start surface level, evidenced by her surface level attraction to takeru dissipating when she got to know him. her crush for kaido is genuine though, it starts out surface level but she clearly sees and likes him for the weirdo he is considering she even adapts some of his chuuni-isms 😭

hairo: probably acearospec and maybe pan ? in canon, hes never felt attraction before or at least isnt aware if he has, but i would argue that what he feels for nendo is the closest thing hes ever had to a crush

kuboyasu: bisexual. we only see him being attracted to teruhashi however his reaction to that makes me think that doesnt happen much?? i know it was because hes used to being good at controlling himself but hes the only character other than imu that is confused by his attraction to teruhashi

toritsuka: straight but would kiss a guy if hes feminine enough, in a not gay but desperate way.

nendo: no label, probably doesnt care very much about gender however he is an enjoyer of tits so...

mera: no label, doesnt ever think about that stuff

saiko: straight but flexible, another person thats only shown attraction to teruhashi but he clearly has no experience with love so im just guessing shes the first person hes ever been attracted to ?

kusuke: freak (no label, i genuinely think his brother is the only person hes ever been attracted to and im unsure/undecided on if i think thatll change post-canon during his implied redemption arc ? i havent decided if i think he'll never be attracted to anyone else or not)

makoto: freak (straight? clearly mentally screwed up and has only ever been attracted to his sister, im unsure if therapy could help that. big makokuu fan though so i like to think that a slap from reality or a therapist would make him start questioning his sexuality.)

suzumiya: straight (personal headcanon is that shes a straight trans girl, obviously no evidence to that)

satou: straight, nothing queer about this guy

imu: lesbian, i can see why she could be bisexual but the way she analyzed men by their objective qualities and never attraction and only started liking makoto after literally making the connection to kokomi in her head makes me think its JUST comphet

kuniharu: straight but flexible, no explanation

kurumi: straight but flexible, no explanation

arisu: straight (i like to headcanon her as a lesbian simply because im a lesbian and i like her. also she did briefly think saikis crush was a boy and did not react to this so shes either a straight ally [most plausible] or queer herself lol)

[xukies]

Sorry for the long reply/ ask, I'm just very passionate about this:

Personally I didn't get that from the scene with fragile. He seemed far more preoccupied with "ruining" her appearance, reputation, standing as a trustworthy porter company and her pride

It doesn't read as sexual gratification as much as smugness

Hes envied how comfortable in her own skin and has confidence in her looks (and possibly sexuality) and people who care for her/ admire her, possibly even healthy romantic/sexual relationships, and loving parents that didnt abuse her (at least in the ways that "daddy" didnt/arent as obvious) and now he's finally able to bring her down to his "level" to try to make them equals again in the only way he knows how, by dragging her down with him

Im not even sure if there is a sexual component? I think its far more complicated than that, and has far ,more to do with higgs' insecurities and envy tbh

I think the lick with sam is the closest of his actions to have sexual motivation, but even then I'm not sure its almost like hes trying to lay himself bare and be vulnerable while completely in control of sam? That scene is the one where his motives feel the most obscured

(with amelie i honestly keep forgeting that the deathless freaks comic didn't happen where amelie smacks his ass back right after that scene)

But I would be suprised if that was something amelie agreed to in order to upset sam further and bolster higgs as the despicable "villain"

It felt very performative, at least to me

Also many of these wikis are fairly obvious with their lgbtq+ phobia like assuming higgs must be attracted to fragile because of the licking but his attraction is questionable if its sam?

It also seems kinda fucked that its comparing sexual assult to being a pervert, when thats caused a lot of lgbtq+ descrimination in the past? Like higgs is definitely a pervert, but thats not why.

I see this consistently with wikis based on kojima games (and quite a bit of scifi fandoms too) only giving legitimacy to straight characters/ relationships and delegitmizing lgbtq+ characters

So a lot of this is my own personal interpretation, I only really used the wiki screenshot to gather the "scenes" I use and don't entirely agree with some of the terminology and phrasing. But it is a place i can use to get all the canon plot beats in one place and I already had this interpretation before reading the wiki section.

I think all the things you said can be true with him also being a bit of a creep. Like, he has a Lot of depth as a character and I don't want to dumb it down to "Oh he's just a creep who assaults people" cause that's not at all the case.

But at the same time from the moment you meet him he just gives off Bad Vibes. He can absolutely be jealous of Fragile and looking to ruin her in every way (physically, mentally, reputation wise) and still be Weird about it. He's a complex character with complex motives and no one reason for doing something.

We might just interpret his character differently but this is how I read a lot of the stuff he did. Again, not everything gets dumbed down to him assaulting people cause he wants to but he does give me personally that vibe. He can violate Sam's space purposefully to make him uncomfortable and still get some sick gratification from it. The way he creepily pats Sam sometimes, talking about Fragiles "~pretty face~", etc, these are all real things I've both seen and been victim of by people who absolutely do get off on it.

Again this is all just how I read his character, and there is no one way to interpret any character.

[brensquared]

its fascinating to see how nott talks about her family and the clan in the time between the end of the pirate arc and when the nein go to felderwin for the first time. because on the one hand shes So vague about everything, avoids giving any straight answers, and in hindsight thats sus (and definitely foreshadowing the fact that almost everything we knew about her up until that point was missing some crucial information for context, or simply false).

on the OTHER hand, she keeps referring to Yeza as her "friend" (and interestingly, I dont think any of the other party members - even jester - have suggested Yeza might have been someone nott loved romantically?). which means that veth is two for two on "downplayed the depth of my romantic feelings/interest in a nerdy guy by referring to him as a friend/platonic relation".

and that, in and of itself, is interesting! at this point in time (episode 48), nott doesnt believe she could ever really be with Yeza again. she hasnt reunited with him, her family thinks shes dead. so instead of allowing herself to grieve that relationship, she puts a distance there. hes not her husband, hes a friend. hes just a guy she knew. she didnt grow up a halfling in felderwin, she was with the clan. she invents this elaborate fake backstory for goblin nott and yeza's "past" together - because she still loves him, so much, and she cant fully cut him out of her history and her life and her heart

and then theres caleb - nott clearly felt so so much for him, and it was so complicated. as nott she could freely admire him, and follow him, and be his friend and walk beside him and sleep curled up next to him (because veth was the one who slept next to yeza, and veth was dead, wasn't she?) The collision of her reluctant new identity as Nott and her history as Veth as the nein go to rescue Yeza brings those conflicting feelings to the forefront; in some ways they each represent her possible choices, in the span of time between late arc 3 and the beginnings of arc 5. live a peaceful life as a housewife with yeza, or continue adventuring with caleb.

We know, despite everything, that she did feel romantic attraction to Caleb because of a scene where she admits but also downplays it - she claims that on the night they first met, she felt some attraction to him, but then she got to know him and she stopped feeling that way. but then, right before they perform Transmogrification, she tells him he is the second love of her life and kisses him - the most honest about her feelings for him that I think she ever was, to herself and others.

she put that distance between herself and her feelings for caleb because she felt guilty, because it wasn't something she was supposed to still want, now that she had her husband back.

i think it's very interesting to see that that behavior isnt just something she did in regards to caleb, but that shes also seen doing it with her marriage; moreover, I think it all fits into the patterns of behavior where nott/veth prioritizes the needs of others over her own. shes so focused on other people because she cant stop and examine her own wants or needs without falling apart on some level, so she just pushes them aside, downplays what's going on, and acts like nothing is wrong

[aroaceconfessions]

(Discussion of sex/arousal/sexuality)

So im 100% certain that im aro and some type of acespec, tho probably just straight up ace. And like. A big part of figuring out that i was aro was trying out romantic relationships, yknow? Bc i needed some form of emotional intimacy, and having that need fulfilled left room for me to realize that i didnt want or need it in a romantic sense, that i liked my partner platonically.

But ive never experimented with my sexuality before—ive never felt a need to, or had any sort of sex drive, until more recently. I recently started college so its not surprising that i want to explore my identity on my own, and i guess its a reasonable possibility that i was just a late bloomer in the whole desire aspect

So i cant for certain say that ive been sexually attracted to anyone, but ive had sexual thoughts abt some people, yknow? Like how i didnt romantically like my previous partners but i still thought about doing romantic stuff with them. And like, i do read porn, when im in more sex-favorable moods, so im curious. I kind of want to have that experience, just to see what its like, to run my sexuality through the scientific method.

And it would be nice to have like. A close friend who would be willing to experiment with me like that, someone that i trust to help feel out boundaries for this kinda shit, but then its like. Thats the levels of intimacy that most people would expect a romantic relationship for, and i really dont want to go through the anxiety of forcing myself into that just to experiment, yknow? I dont want to end up feeling bitter towards that person for wanting the romancey side of things as well

Like if someone i was friends with offered, i doubt id say no. Maybe not an enthusiastic yes, but definitely a willing one. I just want the chance to figure out my relationship with sex, like i did romance. Im curious, and i hate not knowing stuff :/

[dirt-grub]

22 24 25

22 - how many breakdowns have you had about your identity

like, today or?

fr tho ive had a LOT. as a childhood abuse victim im constantly terrified its just trauma and im not actually ace- but ive decided that like, the idea you have to divorce your trauma from your sexuality when theyre gonna be inextricably linked for the rest of your life is stupid. im like this, im not gonna start being like this, so fuck it. also, ive had many many phases of trying to put myself under a microscope and trying to see whats "genuine" asexuality or not, and its not worth the pain to please others who wanna pick apart if your identity is "real" or not. im me, and im what i say i am. i take other people's word for it, so they should take mine.

24 - a character that you think is aspec/is confirmed aspec

CHARLIE FUCKING KELLY BABEYYYYY i love him especially because he's just like me in that he's got childhood abuse trauma and is confused about what he should or should not like and is sex repulsed which makes it more confusing</3 it isnt 100% canon but he said in a deleted scene that he hates the idea of sex unless its with someone specific and that shows in his relationships for the ENTIRE fuckin show, the only times he's had sex theres been some level of dubious consent (putting it fucking lightly) or he's used his body to get something he wants bc thats how he thinks it works (sorry ruby taft you didnt deserve that lol) he's actually a really fucking interesting character in this aspect and i need to pick it apart sometime bc its a very good case of okay youre a victim but also you dont get an excuse to behave like you do

25 - do you have any other labels/identities (if you’re aro, do you have a sexual orientation, if you’re aroace do you have other labels, etc.)

generally when i introduce myself i say gay/mlm, sometimes i panic and say im bisexual bc i dont have a sex preference just a gender preference- sometimes i assume strangers will not understand that- but really idk if im mspec or not. i really think i did like a girl ONCE, but when it came to the romantic and sexual, yea i cried n ran away. i really think i did love her, but i couldnt figure out how- until i learned the term QPR and was like ohhhh shit yeah

the ace part again is sorta disputed, i am sex averse sometimes but not all the time, and i do have romantic attraction for male partners, i have had sex with male partners, but its more of a manifestation of feelings rather than literal physical attraction. i would say i have felt that before, at least i think, but it takes a lot of time and comes in intense bursts. i lean towards the term demisexual, but i feel like theres been a few instances of being into strangers, but theyre VERY few and far between.

so yeah- im mlm, a trans man, for sure alloromantic and some kind of asexual XP

[kaykeichan]

So...I've going through a serious mutli-level identity crisis for the longest time and just wanted to share my experience and realizations for those that need to hear it.

First I thought I was Bisexual.

Then when I realized I didnt always want sex and wasnt always attracted to people of both genders sexually but still loved them, I did some research into the Ace community.

From there I determined myself to be Bi-romantic Asexual.

After a little more confusion as to why I sometimes had sexual attraction to my partners and sometimes I was sex repulsed, I did more research.

I found the term Demisexual which is basically you can be sexually attracted to someone you are emotionally close to and trust, but are not typically sexually attracted to people you dont know. (I'm paraphrasing what it meant to me so for the real definition please look it up if youre curious)

So then I altered it to Bi-Romantic Demisexual and that stuck for awhile.

Going from my first relationship with a girl and probably my first non-toxic relationship ever to now another non-toxic relationship with a cow het man (who I love and care about very much), I then began to miss that feeling of being with a girl. It became an obsession and I was worried that I was actually a lesbian and that I'd have to leave my boyfriend so I wouldnt keep steinging him along on could live my life as true to myself as possible (and all the other thoughts we tell ourselves)

But I know he loves me for me. He knows i like girls. He knew I had a girlfriend before him. He doesnt fetishize it. He resects me for who I am...at least who I tell him I am.

Throughout all this sexuality crisis, I'm also having a gender identity crisis. Am I a cis girl? A Demigirl? Non-binary? Am I actually a Transguy still in the egg stage? So that led to a lot more research to me settling on being Genderfluid.

I'm quite comfortable in that actually as I have some days where I dress and act more feminine and days where I'm more masculine. But my guy when we were joking around once said "reassuringly" "Dont worry, baby. You'll never be masculine to me ❤" Ouch...but I didnt say anything. I tried to push that twinge away and say it was fine. Idk if he even realized what him saying it that way meant to me, and I acknowledge that I need to tell him how I felt about it soon.

I need to tell him all this soon.

So where in all of that time of research, uncertainty, and anxiety does that leave my gender and sexual identities?

Technically at this point I could label myself as, a Genderfluid Bi-romantic Abrosexual or a Demi-Romantic Abrosexual Demigirl...but as you can see thats a lot of labels and hella confusing...

So I did some deep thinking about all these labels and why we feel the need to categorize ourselves. Yes we want to belong to a group and relate our experiences to each other, but I can still do that if I just stick with simple labels like Bi, Ace, and NB even tho those arent the most "accurate" representations of me.

But who decides what's "accurate"?

Oh right. ME

So why am I trying so hard to compartmentalize myself and stressing myself out thinking i need to come out to a boyfriend who's already accepted me as I am, has said so multiple times, amd is always making an active effort to support and understand the lgbt community for me and for himself.

He's already accepted me without all the labels, and so should I.

You know whats a great umbrella term that already exists that could fit me the most comfortably without all the anxiety? The least used letter of the alphabet mafia

So I am proud to finally just say I'm here and I'm Queer! And I dont need to be anything else for anybody else 😁

tl;dr You dont need a shit-ton of labels to accept yourself in your own unique identity. Just being Queer is ok ❤💛💚💙💜

(ps sorry for any typos, emotions dont have time for spell checks lol)

[nerdpiggy]

Tell us about your ocs!! I'm genuinely curios bc of the tags

[ID: Meme of Hatsune Miku smiling. Top text reads "Thanks for sending me a message". Bottom text reads "You're very cute and I will be replying to you".]

Robin "Robbie" Fuller: The character i play in a DND campaign.

they/them pronouns. they're nonbinary and asexual and don't care to label their romantic attraction.

They're 22 years old and 5'9" (175cm)

Their birthday is November 12th. they're a scorpio

They started off as a Mundane MOTW character and they're now a level 7 warlock in DND. They're a human

They live in a small coastal town in massachusetts called Holyoak and they go to the local college to learn culinary. They live in a single dorm and they have a cute widdle black cat named Chickadee

One day (for various reasons) their life was flip-turned upside down with discovering the existence of monsters, portals, different dimensions, and rifts in spacetime

One of the reasons for them discovering all of this was them meeting a man named Thomas who's a human from a different dimension called the Palisades. He's a well-known Judge over there. (Thomas is @bevtastic 's character)

Robbie gets an offer to join the Interdimensional Defence Agency (IDA), says fuck it and accepts, and Robbie and Thomas stay friends by virtue of their similar jobs.

Robbie is tasked to go to a different dimension (A half-medieval half-wild west desert town called Argyle) to stop a threat that was growing there. Threat turned out to be a massive mind-controlling dragon who wanted revenge for the rest of her dragon species that were killed off by medieval "heroes". Robbie was not cut out for this as their first job. They (with help) subdue the dragon eventually but not before she burned down multiple towns including Argyle to a crisp. Robbie feels very bad about this.

Robbie, Thomas, and the rest of the party receive a mysterious letter leading them to an old abandoned mansion in Holyoak and get roped into a rescue mission to save Thomas's old friend Percy who has apparently been bodysnatched by a bad guy and trapped somewhere for what felt like thousands of years. This is the arc where we switched from Monster of the Week to DND, and Robbie gets connected to a nature deity Adelaide through a purple necklace. They also get a familiar, who is an owl with pitch-black feathers and glowing yellow pupilless eyes that Robbie named Mr. Muffins.

Robbie and Thomas become very good friends :)

Thomas dies.

Robbie goes to the Palisades to find out what happened to him. Turns out he wanted to reveal the secret of interdimensional travel to the public and work to make it open, free, and safe. The people in charge did not allow him to do this by legal means so he aimed to do it illegally, which was when he was murdered by a group of bandits.

On top of that, one of the main reasons why he wanted to reveal the different dimensions is because there is a HUGE interdimensional threat coming our way, and we need to act on it if we want to live.

Percy finds Robbie and asks them to help with this threat, who apparently is a singular person named Siris that has been locked in a prison for thousands of years and somehow got out. Robbie doesn't have much of a choice and accepts.

In the Palisades, there are monsters called Behemoths. they emerge from people who get bitten by a behemoth or who touch the black tar-like substance that runs like rivers in certain areas of the Palisades. During a battle, Robbie gets bitten by a Behemoth, and now they're a candidate for Behemism (aka turning into big giant monster syndrome).

Because Robbie has Behemism and Siris is part of the reason for Behemism existing, they're mind roommates now. Robbie and Siris do not get along very well.

There's more to Robbie but this is their main backstory!!!

[ID: a drawing of Robbie holding a chrysanthemum. They have short pink curly hair, and they're wearing a yellow floral button-up and a purple necklace. They have bandages on their freckled face and they're looking down at the chrysanthemum with a neutral expression.]

Emile Azarel: A character i play in a different campaign that does MOTW.

He/him pronouns, he's trans, demisexual, and demiromantic.

He's 19 and he's 5'3

He doesn't know his actual birthday but the day he celebrates is January 23rd

His MOTW class is The Expert. He's a fire genasi

He was born in central Russia but he doesn't know his parents well because when he was ~8 months old there was a big monster attack that unfortunately killed his parents. A monster hunter named Avery Azarel found Emile, took him in and raised him.

Emile learned to hunt monsters with Avery and the two traveled around together as monster hunters.

Eventually Emile wished to have a solid place to live rather than constantly traveling, because he wanted friends. He found a town in the pacific northwest called Salmon Peak that had everything he wanted: Russian culture, a fairly small easy-to-get-around layout, and some very weird mysteries going on. (Just because Emile wanted to settle didnt mean he wanted to stop monster hunting!)

He moved to Salmon Peak and has met a bunch of new friends! He's also learning more and more about the town, which is turning out to be somehow even weirder than he expected.

Emile is a very sweet, polite boy, but considering the fact that he's only ever been around one person mainly for his entire life, he has a bit of a ways to go when it comes to interacting with people. The monster hunting life means that when there's a monster, you kill it and that usually solves all your problems. Emile has transferred this logic to people as well (if they're a monster, kill em!) and he's learning through friend influence that maybe human lives are a bit more sacred than that.

His favorite color is blue because he loves the sky!

A lot of people underestimate his skills because he's little and looks very young, but he is a very good monster hunter. Because of Avery (the best monster hunter in the biz), his last name has a bit of a reputation.

Emile is blind, autistic, and has vitiligo!

I have much more planned for Emile but I can't say it here because it is MAJOR spoilers!

[ID: a drawing of Emile walking forward. He is wearing a blue shirt with stars on it, blue jeans, a fluffy white jacket, a belt with a star on it, star earrings, a moon necklace, and black shoes. His blue hair is swaying behind him and he's holding a white cane with a red tip. He's smiling slightly.]

Avery Azarel: Emile's parent! I've not played them as a character yet but I've made a character sheet for them.

they/them pronouns. They're agender, aromantic, and pansexual

their age is (???) and their height is 5'7

they have a birthday but nobody knows when it is

Their MOTW class is The Chosen. they appear human

They're widely considered the best monster hunter in the biz. Their name is well-known and they're requested for help all around the world

Because of this, they're constantly traveling and having a house would not make sense. They just pack their things, stay at motels/hotels/etc., camp in the woods and move around to wherever people need them.

Since they've been pretty much everywhere, they always seem to know at least one person from each town. They never seem to get too close to anyone, though

They are fluent in many different languages!

In the past they were paired up with another monster hunter and they made a great duo. That was a couple decades ago; they go solo now.

Years ago, an unexpected and incredibly destructive monster rampaged a small town in Central Russia. Avery came as fast as they could (they were nearby in the area) but they still couldn't finish off the beast before it tore the whole town to shreds. Dozens of homes were crushed, but surprisingly most people survived, with the exception of a couple of people who died under the rubble. Avery felt awful (this was their biggest failure in a while), and as they were searching through the rubble for any more casualties they found little baby Emile, miraculously unscathed. They took him in and raised him from then on.

Nobody, not even Emile, knows very many details about Avery's childhood, their family, their age, or really any information about them. (Emile has been trying to figure out Avery's birthday for AGES so they can celebrate, but Avery has refused to budge)

Their main weapon is 2 pairs of bolas! those are those chains with 2 balls on either end, usually made to be thrown at people's legs to restrain and trip them. they use the bolas both as restraining tools and as their main weapon, because i think weapons where you spin them really fast in front of you are cool

There's a scar over their left eye; whenever someone asks how they got it they always spin a different elaborate tale of an epic monster battle. Nobody knows which (if any) is the true story

there is a WHOLE LOT that I am leaving out if you couldn't tell. There's a huge chunk of their past that I'm leaving out because it's all a big bundle of spoilers. Someday I will be able to elaborate more on Avery!

[ID: a picrew made by djarn of Avery. They're smiling, their head is tilted slightly, and there's a scar over their left eye. Their hair is tied half-up half-down. They're wearing a black shirt with "òwó" on it and a blue jacket with an aromantic flag pin and a pansexual flag pin. the background is an agender flag.]

These are my main OC's! I have more (Orion, Nottwyrm, "Noodlearms", etc.) but these 3 are the main ones that I post about. :3 thank u for asking!!!

If you have any questions about any of my characters I always welcome asks!!! 💖

[captain-jinguji]

Hi! I really love your writing! Hope you're alright! Can I get a headcannon of all three? (Or which ones you want!) Groups that have a crush on a fan? Like they see them at a handshake event or an album signing fanmeet and they fall in love? What would they do?

👀 I can try lol let's get to it. Glad you enjoy the content love 💖 I kind of left all of these off on a cliffhanger 😂

STARISH + QUARTET NIGHT + HEAVENS falling in love with a fan

STARISH

Natsuki:

It was probably at a meet and greet when he saw you in your piyo-chan themed outfit and smiling brightly in front of him. Out of all his friends, him and otoya probably have the easiest time hitting it off with fans and seeing you being super into the same things that he is makes his heart tingle a bit. Most people think hes childish but you seem super supportive! Exchanges numbers with you and it soon blossoms into a nice friendships, but he can feel himself wanting more than that.

Tokiya:

He tries to stay professional every time he meets fans out and about but you were looking great that day and honestly didnt even mention that you were a fan. You were super nice and polite when he met you in the coffee shop that morning and the casual small talk turned into an actual conversation. From that day on, he always came into the coffee shop in the mornings to talk with you and at some point you guys just had each others numbers lol you did confess to him that you are a fan, but you're not crazy like some others, which is mainly why he ended up falling; you weren't super insane.

Cecil:

He just saw you in the crowd and your eyes met. It's super cliché but he swears it was love at first sight. And then he saw you backstage because you were VIP and he just KNEW he had to meet you. He was super loving and so were you and honestly you guys just hit it off. Cecil always brags that he can sense these things and he sensed that you guys were meant to be on some level, he just didn't realize it would be head over heels romantic.

Ren:

He probably met you on set because you were an intern or something and Ren being Ren, he's always super nice and flirty and you tried so hard to just brush him off but it just makes you want him more and ugh at some point you did give in and flirted back and that just set him on fire and now he just HAD to go out with you so he took you for dinner one night after production and you confessed that you were a fan and duh he gave you an autograph and asked you to please be chill about it. And then you teasingly asked him what he's gonna do if you don't and all of a sudden his lips were on yours and now hes confused on how the hell he fell for a fan.

Otoya:

He was giving guitar lessons to a group of fans once that won like a contest but you really stood out because you were such a natural and he swears youve done this before but you swear you've never even touched a guitar? Smh he had to see how far you can go so he just kept you around after the lesson and you guys soon become super good friends. Numbers were exchanged and you guys were texting day and night. It was all the silly love things; smiling at your phone, talking all day, shy little flirting... He was definitely not prepared for this.

Syo:

He was at a photo booth with fans and you and I just had the matching fedoras? Like how? What were the odds? Asked you about it and you guys actually bought it at the same store on the same day???!!! Hes freaking out but its also so cool and then you tell him you have like a whole collection and he gets super excited because he LITERALLY has a separate closet for JUST his fedoras okay? Gives you his number so you can show off all your fedoras and he finds out you guys have even more matching ones and suddenly shawty doesnt feel so weird anymore and like hes odd but he also feels... This strange attraction.

Masato:

Masato has a favorite tea shop he goes to at least once a week to buy new teas and just sit down and relax. It was really funny because you literally ran into each other and the tea just kind of fell everywhere. It was super awkward and both of you were blushing but then he noticed you guys organized the teas back in the exact same way and he just asks if it's weird that he does it alphabetically and in color and then you just added that you low-key hate the way the store does it becomes its NOT alphabetically and by color. He invited you to join him for tea and he swears hes never felt so relaxed before; hes never laughed that much before. When he found out you're a fan, he just kind of stiffened and hoped you weren't crazy, but deep down he knew that you werent and he just kept coming back to the tea shop more often now...

QUARTET NIGHT

Reiji:

You actually saved him from other fans by dragging him into a photo booth. Cue cute photos but also a group of fans running the other way! You guys laughed the incident off but you did confess that you were a fan also..he joked that you only dragged him away so you could kidnap him but he saw you freak out and promise that is wasnt like that he felt soooo bad. Told you that he was joking and things are okay and invited you to spend the rest of the day with him and you guys just kind of became really close. He honestly feels like a teenager in love right now...

Ranmaru:

Rock concert gang! You just asked him to move aside because he was blocking your view and he was about to tell you off but you actually looked so HOT okay? He can't do that. And then you noticed who HE was and you guys just kind of stared. You apologized first and wanted to move aside, but instead he dragged you back and put you in front of him. Honestly being so close to him was giving you a heart attack but you didnt show that. Afterwards, he walked you home because you guys just started talking about rock and you honestly became even more attractive to him and now he cant get you off of his mind...

Camus:

It was at a meet and greet and you ran into him and normal camus wouldve thrown you across the room but fan camus couldnt do that. So he just kind of bit his lip and told you it was okay but you insisted on making it better and bought him sweets afterwards and who is he to deny his fans wishes, right? Actually finds out you bake and of course he has to judge your baking now and demands asks you to get him some. Long story short, the baking just convinced him more ....

Ai:

He wont admit that he goes to games con but he goes to games con. He saw you in a fully functioning robot costume and he asks you all about it. How you got the idea, how you got the electronics to work, etc... Was so amazed by your intelligence but also gave you some ticks and tricks on how to better it. Honestly he asked if you wanted help on sparkling it up a bit and so you invited him over to your house. You mentioned that you were a fan and he just kind of hummed his songs with you, but now his chest is feeling warm?

HEAVENS

Eiichi:

You were one of the new interns at raging and he's had his eyes set on you for a while. Of course, he knew you were a fan so he actually gave you a private show once and was happy you enjoyed it lol but then you got to talking and his flirty demeanor changed into more of a serious one. He was actually interested in what you were saying and who you were as a person and he knew that this was the start of something...

Kira:

It was funny because he actually knew you through his family and he was kind of surprised that you were also a fan. Spoke to you and though he himself doesnt speak a lot, he did comment and eventually joined the conversation. Brought up memories you guys shared and suddenly he realized how much he actually missed those young childhood days...

Nagi:

First things first he already hates you. Just because he was nice at the meet and greet, doesnt mean he likes you. When you ran into him afterwards he actually low-key snapped at you until he realized you were a fan from earlier and he got scared he wrecked HEAVENS reputation. So he took you out for ice cream to make up for it and now hes actually laughing at your jokes and he hates himself for it...

Eiji:

You won a contest that allowed you to spend the day with him! He had everything planned out and took you out to eat and shopping, but then you dragged him off the plan and now youre watching the sunset together? Its so cliché romantic and he cant deny the feeling of needing to wrap you up in his arms, but he can't do that, can he ....?

Yamato:

You guys competed together and when he saw you in the crowd, he got super excited and it gave him even more energy. Literally hunts you down after the show and grins the biggest grin. Says he didn't know you were a fan and you just kinda said that "of course you have to support your rivals". This just made him laugh and challenge you and long story short you guys were making out from all the build up tension that you managed to make over the years and now he has eiichi scolding him...

Van:

He saw you. He liked you. He had to get you. Knew you were a fan because you were at all the concerts and always had VIP passes so to acknowledge that he took you out for a drink *wink wink* you guys somehow got into the deeper conversations of life and he really liked the way you think? So he gave you his number "just in case something happened" and walked you home, but now hes the one with butterflies and a racing heart...

Shion:

Usually his bandmates were the ones with crazy fans and the ones who get the most attention but then you wanted to meet HIM not eiichi, or van, or even nagi. So he immediately wanted to prove himself but he just loved the way you smiled and laughed at his jokes and his eyes shone so brightly at you and wow are you even real? Gets your number and much like Otoya, it's an all day every day thing now...

[manic-panic-sapphic]

How did u figure it out you were a lesbian because I have no idea I can’t tell if I find boys attractive or if I just think they are cute (I don’t know how to word it) or if I think girls are attractive or if I just want to look like them. Can u offer any advice to figuring it out? Sorry to bother you.

You're not bothering me at all my friend, I'm happy to offer an answer! Well... I'll try, I'm not a good talker but I'm happy to do what I can to help ^^~♡

Now, before I say anything: I want u to know that its okay to be confused about sexuality, attraction and it's fine to question it - I sure as hell did! The best advice I have is to just take a deep breath and let it come to you. Let yourself fall in love and get into relationships in your own time. You don't have to label yourself, you can simply say "I just like people, I like what I like and I dont want to give it a label". Nothing wrong with that ^^ it's also okay if you dont know what kind of attraction you feel, romantic, sexual or otherwise - you can be pan- or bisexual and have certain preferences/attractions towards specific genders, I.e. you might really be into the idea of dating men but the thought of having sex with men grosses you out, whereas you could feel sexual and emotional attraction towards women. This doesn't make you explicitly lesbian, you're still pan/bi/label-less/whatever you choose to identify as, but just have a stronger preference for women. And that is okay - doesnt make you any less valid, so dont feel pressured about finding a label just yet ^^ it might come to you one day, it might change, and if you never figure it out, that's also fine! Sexuality is so fluid for some people that sometimes you physically can't narrow it down to something as simple as gay or straight.

I've personally always been a little on the fence regarding my sexuality. I dont think I've ever been into guys at the same level as a standard straight person... I've always felt pulled towards girls even if I couldnt really name the feeling. I just wanted to spend time with girls. Me being somewhere on the asexual spectrum and all, I don't really experience sexual attraction to any genders generally speaking, and throughout my high school years I never cared about finding a partner. I did not understand what my friends meant when they said "this person is so hot", be it male or female. I lied about a lot of my male crushes in high school because I thought there was something wrong with me and didnt want to be called out for being different. I wasnt too afraid of the 'lesbo-label', I've always been self confident in staying true to my identity, but the "you dont feel attraction? you must be a violent emotionless serial killer" rumours really scared me, especially because I was really into horror and black metal 😂😂

In terms of me realising I was a lesbian, I think I sort of figured it out when I came to the realisation that I had this massive need to protect someone, and to be the strong, dominant counterpart in a relationship. Unlike other girls I knew I didn't want a guy to protect me, to cuddle me, to buy me presents because I wanted that role. I've nicknamed it "the knight in shining armour complex" 😂. I preferred the company of girls, especially girls who were more feminine than me and physically smaller than me, who I could impress by showing my physical strength to them and taking stupid risks like trying to skateboard when I had no skill for it *cringes*. I didn't really like the idea of making myself look attractive to guys, or male attention, and I've always seen guys as equals in rivalry and friendships rather than people I'd like to date. Anyway I was 14 or so when I started silently identifying as bisexual because I realised how I was seriously into my best friend. I was like you at the time, not sure of what attraction I felt towards guys or girls, which is why I didnt jump straight to the lesbian label, but spending time with this girl who I'd known for 4 years sparked emotions that no guy ever had. I was the athletic one and always had a need to show her how "masculine" I was. I wanted to protect her from everything, I would feel so excited by little touches and hugs and when we'd share a bed at sleepovers, and I was really into the inside joke we had that she was my wife. She said it in the best friends way but I really wanted it to be true. I'd get super depressed and moody at her when she told me about male crushes because I wanted to have her for myself - again, I wasnt sure if it was me being a lesbian or a protective best friend. But yeah, it took me a year to think it over before I finally accepted that I might be a bit gay, hence why I took the bisexual label. Once the bitch I once called my best friend stabbed me in the back and caused me life long trauma and trust issues concerning relationships (thanks Kaye, really appreciate it), I didnt have any crushes on anyone for 3 years and just stuck to the bisexual ace label for that time. I was still really confused about sexuality but I had exams and university to think about so I thought 'screw it' and figured that it would just make sense once I found a partner... and it did. I met my first girlfriend at university, and spending time within a lesbian relationship made everything make sense: I had a 'eureka' moment where I was like "this is exactly what I've been wanting. This is what's been missing from my life. I now know for a fact that I like girls. I want this, I dont want a guy.". So in conclusion it took me near enough 5 years to work out that I was gay, and occasionally I'll meet a real soft super sweet guy and think "am I bi after all???", so even though I'm like 99% sure I'm lesbian and can't see myself ever getting married to and settling down with a man, that 1% swings by every now and then and makes me question everything.

I guess what I'm trying to say in a really really unnecessarily long answer: take your time. Embrace those emotions for guys and girls, and let it come to you. Theres no easy way to work it out, unfortunately, but You'll find the right people by just taking it one step at a time. I believe you'll come to a conclusion that works for you by just taking it easy and not forcing yourself into slots that you don't necessarily fit in. 😁 hope I was able to help at least a little~ 💕💕

[vegannaise]

boys deserve love

i started realizing around 16 that i wasn’t cis. i flipflopped back and forth between different nonbinary identities, occasionally wondering (in private) if i was just simply a boy. i was already out as gay, and people already regarded me as a “tomboy”, so that helped alleviate some of my teenage discomfort.

I didn’t date a lot in highschool, partially because i was incredibly intimated by girls, partially because boys didnt pay too much romantic attention to me, and probably a little bit because i had 0 interest in sex all throughout my teenage years.

when i was 17 i had my first “serious” relationship. it was with a boy that coerced me into hooking up with him while i was nearly black out drunk (wow,, what a catch right???!!! thats a whole different story). as sad as this is, i finally felt like my existence was valid. i felt like i had finally achieved this unspoken goal of having someone love me in a romantic way, having someone find me desirable. i was happy for the first time in years.

of course, i was still trans and in the closet during all of this. one night, i was completely swallowed by my dysphoria. i was either on the floor or in front of the mirror crying because of how my body looked. i even ended up giving myself a stick n poke to avoid self harming. Mason (boy in question) was texting me throughout this, i think i had told him i wasn’t feeling good, but i didn’t want to tell him why. he eventually pressured me into telling him what was wrong, and i told him “i dont like my body. i want my body to be a different body. i want to have a BOYS body”.

for just a second, i pictured myself years in the future with a flat chest and stubble and a deep voice, my arms around Mason, who still loved me even though he was “straight” and i had transitioned.

sadly, this fantasy was violently ripped away as soon as i came back to reality. Mason had responded with clear discomfort, saying he wasn’t gay. i told him i knew he wasn’t gay, but wouldn’t he still love me for me??? i would still be the same person, so wouldn’t he still love me????? to which he prompty responded, firmly and bluntly, that if i were to transition and call myself a boy, he would break up with me.

this experience made me go back into the closet for 2 years.

fast forward to when i was 19, i was in a relationship with a transguy. since i grew up in a tiny homophobic town i was never able to date another trans person, and most likely put this person (lets call them...... Pickle) on a big ol’ pedestal because of that. Pickle had been out as trans for almost 5 years, and had been on T almost just as long. they were the first person to tell me that nonbinary people can be trans. they were the first person to actually make me feel seen and valid as not only a trans person, but as a boy.

i ended up coming out to them, in tears, as a transguy. i still felt really confused, i was a boy but didnt really feel connecting to masculinity. i wanted nothing more than to be a pretty boy but recoiled at seeing myself as a Man™. even though that relationship was incredibly toxic, Pickle supported me unconditionally through getting on hormones, they even bought me a new binder. they were the support i had desperately needed.

we had been dating for 8 months when i left town for a few days. something seemed off when i would text them, it felt like something was wrong, but they werent telling me what. Pickle was staying with me at the time, so i saw them as soon as i came back. they said they had something to tell me.

they told me that while i was out of town, they had had a major identity crisis, and realized that she was actually a butch lesbian. of course, i gave her a giant hug, i told her i loved her and that i was so happy she had figured this out about herself. thats when she started talking about us.

she told me that since she was a lesbian and i was a boy, we had to break up; as if this shouldve been obvious to me...... it wasn’t. as she sat there telling me things like “i still love you” and “and i wish things could be different” we both cried. a lot. i still couldnt wrap my head around what was happening. here she was, telling me she wishes things were different so we can be together, why couldnt we just be together as is??? if you want to be with someone, why does it matter if they’re a boy or a girl??? especially when you’ve already been together for 8 months??? it felt like it had a lot more to do with other peoples perceptions of us, it wasn’t because i was a boy, it was because she didnt think she’d be seen as a lesbian dating a genderqueer boy.

the next day i confronted her about this. i was so confused, i had given myself a headache and multiple panic attacks trying to figure out what the fuck i was feeling. she told me that she felt like we should break up anyway, that her realizing shes a lesbian was just “the final nail in the coffin”. i found myself even more hurt and confused than before. id told Pickle all about Mason, how i went back in the closet because i was scared of him leaving me. i told her about all the shame i had accumulated over the course of my relationship with Mason. despite her knowing all this, she still decided to scapegoat our own identities, rather than just own up to the fact that our relationship was falling apart already.

this experience made me question my entire identity, the identity i had JUST started feeling valid in. this experience made me eventually stop taking hormones. this experience made me feel more invaild and undesirable than ever before.

during this time, i started to also ID myself as a (nonbinary) lesbian. i had felt my attraction to men dwindle, and i was grappling with my attraction to women. but more than anything else, i convinced myself that being a boy = being hated. looking “like a boy” = being ugly and undesirable. not only did this feed into terf rhetoric, but its a result of being told my whole life that my worth is directly tied to my level of attractiveness, and that no one would find me attractive if i looked the way i wanted to.

it felt so much easier to stay how i was. all i wanted was to be seen as queer, and since people already read me as a lesbian, i might as well just settle for that, right? at least people would get it. at least people would see me.

i’m 22 now, and ive really only just started to deconstruct these things and unlearn my internalized transphobia and self hatred. about 6 months ago i started calling myself a boy and using he/him pronouns again, and for once i actually feel safe. for once i actually have a good support network. for once i actually feel seen. for once i actually feel loved.

to anyone who actually bothered to read this all the way through: healing is not linear and our identities sure as shit arent. if you’re in the closet right now, or if you’re questioning your gender/sexuality for the first or fifth or tenth time: i see you. i love you. you are so valid in your fear and confusion. the world still actively hates LGBT people, and that internalized fear is so real and deserves to be acknowledged, but please believe me when i say that there ARE people out there who hold the deepest love, appreciation, and camaraderie for you, even if you dont know them yet. your existence as an LGBT person in this world is inherently radical, please don’t ever forget that.

[thoughtfulpaperback]

Spoilers !!!! Stayed up so I could watch Charmed 02x01!!!! Spoilers

Non spoilers stuff first.

My reaction to pretty much the whole episode

Y'all!!!!!! Both good and bad! I was just super excited and glad for it to be back. And so shaken by all the changes and the mysteries!So in general I would give this episode 8/10. Only because I save my 9 and 10. But back to my normal format of these things. I'll start with 3 things I liked and 3 that I didnt although, I'd say it is less dislike and more on the fence.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

1. Hacy moments

For real's though, Macy's internal Harry has my theorizing mind going off and I loved all the double meanings in thier interactions (macy and real harry too) I mean the" I am not leaving you" was nice, but Delirious-Macy-mind-Harry saying "i am different do you like it?" And Macy being all like "yes".

I mean okay various meanings here

1. Obviously it isn't really Harry so of course mind harry is different

2. Macy's perspection of Harry is changing (level of attraction to Harry is growing)

3.But --I am putting on my theorizing cap on--I feel like since the poison hit Macy but had her trying to go home then 1) mind Harry (maybe possibly evil twin Harry hmmm..) may be trying to seduce Macy to the dark side or to fully embrace her demon side since he keeps telling her to come home or 2) mind Harry is death since she was poisoned and her attempts at following the voice almost got her run over by a car. So coming home is like death saying come back since you were technically dead.

Maybe evil twin Harry, mind harry, or Death as Mind Harry has only taken Harry's form because it is the best way to get to Macy, meaning the internal attraction is already strong). So it is also an ominous "I am different" in that realm.

Who knows? I love the mystery though!

And of course while the poison siphoning scene and the "macy please" is going to drive all us Hacy fans crazy for a bit. My favorite bit of dialogue is actually the last bit before they enter the house. When Macy tells harry there is nothing here and Harry all sexy over the shoulder looks at her and says " are you sure?" . . .

DOUBLE MEANING!!!! At least I took it both as the house, but also at thier relationship. Anyways moving on.....

2. Mel! Mel is queen. I am just gonna say that one of the things I didn't appreciate about the OG was that all the ladies (including super witch Prue) complained about thier jobs and wanted to have some normalcy. And listen I sympathized when it came to thier romantic lives (although most of it was thier own faults), sometimes it was just like "you are literally saving peoples lives, I get needing some me time but can you not act so flippantly over literal life or death of another person". So I really appreciated that Mel was ready to step up and was already acting as a leader. I know people like to compare her to Prue and for sure she shares some qualities, but Mel really is her own creature and has more openly embraced witchcraft and not complained about it (so far) unlike all the OG ladies and her sisters.

3. No powers. Okay? One of the primary issues in season 1 was that the girls were kinda over powered. I felt it was mostly Macy, but arguably Mel and Maggie as well. So now as they have to work to get them back and possibly discover new types of magic or avenues for magic, I think there is room for growth and character development as well as world building that wasnt there before. At first I was like, oh heck no! And no fair Macy is the only one powered! and obviously with either her demon side and/or evil twin Harry trying to get at her (sisters as well) she is going to have another big storyline. I just hope (and I feel confident in hoping this time) that these storylines will connect meaningfully and not just last minute. It feels like they are on a new tract and I am digging it so far

Now on to my on the fence list . . .

1) Witchness Protection. I dont mind the premise actually and think it is really clever. I just dont know how I feel about leaving Hilltown. While Hilltown wasnt really developed much the university was nice and I am sad that Lucy wont be a part of the story anymore given that Maggie cant go back and they basically are super far from home if michigan was 5 hours away. At least they get to keep the house and I assume Harry gets to live there now, unless he move into the base.

2) the Seattle setting. I think that it very much harkens to OG (which was set in san. Fran.). So I was just on the fence on how it was obviously cutting more ties to the OG and yet incorporating others. I think the san fran setting worked because since it is a real place that most people can imagine without ever visiting you can have broad shots do relatively little work trying to establish the setting. Not that it is easy, but creating fictional towns requires more work to be good. You have to establish the towns character the residents and general layout or else it might as well be any town. So in some ways the seattle base and constant travel will be easier than developing a town which will leave some more time to character and lore building. I will probably end up liking it but just on the fence while watching.

3. Evil Assassin's orbing. So I dont know if anyone noticed but it seemed to be a combination of Harry's new orbing effect and the old Dark Lighters smokey effect (arguably parker's shadow demon effect) The center was the orangy (from my screen) orb effect that Harry had (I like it better than the swirling in and out of last season). So obviously leaves lots of questions, and I an looking forward to that, but on the fence because of . . . Reasons. I'll just tell you. While I like the new orb effect better than probably the OG and the first season of the reboot, changing the effects always kind of takes me a moment to get used to. And now that the evil assassin has it's own type of orbing it is just more orbing effects and my brain is gonna take a moment to catch up.

How did y'all feel about it though? My fellow Hacy fans did I miss something? Please let me know what yall took away from it!

New to my reviewish lists (appreciation bullets). Things that I appreciated even though they are either small or not elaborated fully.

Harry still likes a good party! Nice to see Harry while getting more serious slice of the pie than the first half of the season is still funny. And I liked that he liked parties

Demon/witch war. So I mean I listed all the wars a war was the most realistic and natural course in previous posts and I cant believe I missed the one they seem to be going with. Elders offered protection as a government with them gone and whitelighters gone (arguably the hands and feet of the elders) witches are vulnerable to attacks. I new they would be and that demons would attack as the government fell but I was mostly thinking organization wise. I didnt think about the obvious omg witches didnt just lose a governing body they lost the built in protection that body provided which again should have been a DUH! Thing to realize but I miss it.

So the start of a rivalmance between Maggie and Jordan....definitely different from Parker if that is the direction they are heading. I am a sucker for a rivalmance

Love Triangle between dark Harry, Macy, and Harry. . .I didnt know I needed it until now

Wizard of oz reference. Nuff said.

[the-energon-hole]

Hello there lovely! Could I request headcanons about tfp Smokescreen and Bumblebee taking their human s/o’s on a date to the drive in? Maybe they start a heavy make out session with Smokes and Bee using their holoforms? (Can be nsfw if you’re up for it) Thank you!! 😙

((A/N - So it’s been a crazy ass month for me so I haven’t updated since then. I apologize this is a little different from what you asked but I still think it’s cute, it was just hard for me to write with my anxiety beign all over the place and my job security up in the air, ya know?))

❗Long post, continued under “Read More” tag❗

Bumblebee

-He was a romantic at the core of his spark, and always felt so inspired whenever one of those cheesy romantic movies were showing on the TV in the background of the hustle and bustle of the Autobot base. The kids thought those movies were dumb, and they hated seeing scenes where humans were kissing in some super dim light setting, but when he saw those things he couldn’t help but let his processor lend itself to thoughts of both you and him in those silly situations. He thought of the two of you smooching passionately after a sad situation underneath the pouring rain while you wept happily once the two of you would part, he couldn’t help but let his spark get all fluttery whenever the image of your face popped up into his processor. He hasn’t told anyone about these feelings he is having though, considering how powerfully the kids react to those cheesy movies it wasn’t a real wonder why he would prefer to keep these things to himself, though he can’t help but wonder if he would even be able to pull anything like that off considering that he was about four hundred times your size and couldn’t be seen in public doing these kinds of things. It hit him after a few days of thinking about it- holoforms! He has tried once before to manifest one, but it was a form that was actually pretty hard to maintain… how does Arcee manage to do it so well? He would ask her, but he knows for a fact she would tease him about his fuzzy feelings towards you, and really he didn’t want to deal with all of that at the moment so he did what he always did in situations like this- practice in secret until he can get it right.

-Everyone noticed how sluggish and tired he was over the past few weeks, but his excuse was that he was a little restless at the current atmosphere of the war, to which Optimus gave him more time off from patrol to rest and everyone else kindly taking over his patrol shifts. He had more time to practice this way, and yeah he felt a little bad for inadvertently tricking everyone into doing his work for him, but once he was finally able to master the art of a walking and talking holoform- well it was almost like all of his guilt washed away in those noisy feelings of wanting to embrace you the way only another human can. It was unexplored territory for this to be happening, a human and a cybertronian being so into each other, and he tries really hard to accommodate you and your smaller size but he just can’t help but feel guilty that he can’t treat you the way he sees in the movies and from couples walking around the streets of Jasper. It was more than just those squishy feelings he gets inside whenever you were around him, it was more than the small ache he feels in his spark whenever you have to walk away from him and return to your human life outside of this chaotic war, and it was more than just his selfish need to show off to you that he really did value your companionship over everyone elses and that he wanted to just swaddle you away from all this conflict and strife and be with you forever. It was about you, it was about how no matter how hard he tried he will never be a human, it was about how no matter what he did or how he did it he would never be able to give you the life that you wanted… it broke his spark to know that one day he is going to have to leave potentially, if not that, you would grow old and frail and sick long before he even leaves his place as a young budding mech by Cybertronian terms. Maybe that was why he needed to do this- maybe, just maybe it was about giving you a semblance of normalcy that you needed so you can always have the loving memory of the two of you together just doing mundane human things. He wanted to experience them with you, and nothing was going to stop him from doing that- this war be damned!

-You were a little surprised when Bumblebee wanted to go see a movie at the drive in that was kind of a ways away from the city of Jasper, but you figured it was the only way he can see new movies without exposing himself as an alien robot to prying eyes, also the nearest drive in is home to a local teenage scene and some of them might recognize him as “Jack’s Other Cool Ride” or “Raf’s Mom’s Car”. Besides it could be fun to go on a long car ride with just Bee, you can both bump up your favorite music while the windows are rolled down so you can feel the passing crisp night air hot your face in a strange adrenalin pumping way- it was a win win for you despite having to travel a long distance mainly because on top of being able to see that new thriller movie you were interested in, you would be able to spend some one on one time with him without so many outside distractions beyond your control. It was fun to relax and unwind with Bee as you zipped down the freeway most likely breaking all kinds of speed limit laws- but there were no cops around to stop the two of you from having fun, besides Bee wasn’t just any old car, if he had to he can stop himself safely at almost any speed he was going because he didn’t have to worry about his breaks being worn away over time. Once the thrill of the drive was over and you paid to see the new movie at the drive up counter you took your place parking up close to the screen on an incline so you could see the entire screen from your close position- it was imperative to skt close because the last time you didnt a rude middle aged soccer mom.blocked your view with jer ugly SUV and her kids screamed so loud you could hear them from inside the confines of the cab. You were so caught up in the action scene of this movie that you all but missed the warm electric crackling in the air as you were equating it to just being so immersed in the amazing special effects, you nearly jumped out of your seat though when you felt an arm snake around your waist from the passenger’s seat next to you as you let out a cry that probably every other car in the lot could hear. You were about to flail around in a panic until you heard Bee’s crackling voice coming from the new figure that somehow managed to get into the autobot without you knowing- and it hit you like a ton of bricks that this strange looking boy was actually Bumblebee in his new holoform. The next shriek you gave was one of joy- you had no idea Bee was strong enough to create an actual tangible holoform! You’ve heard Arcee and Optimus talk about how difficult this kind of thing can be, you were so proud of him that you couldn’t help but lunge at this new form and leave a nice smooch on his cheek. He was taken aback by the action, but in a good way, as he couldn’t help the bright flush that invaded his face after you pulled away from.him to sit back in your seat.

Smokescreen

-He tries to be suave and smooth when he is around you, but it feels like anytime he says or does something super cool it gets counteracted by him doing something stupid. Once he gave you a compliment that he could actually see made you flush a little under his heated gaze, bit then he got toppled over by Bee running past him in a hurry to get somewhere- he fell right on his faceplate and he can still hear you laughing at him for looking a fool in that moment. There was also once were he was cuddling with you so see sweetly that he panicked and jumped high in the air as Ultra Magnus came rushing into the room to alert him of an upcoming mission, you laughed then to at his scared and stressed face which just made him feel the fool once again. He just wanted to be like those guys in those action movies you like to watch- the cool suave guys who wear tuxedos and drive cool cars, the guy who always gets the girl in the end no matter what dire situation they were in. Sure, you can argue that he already has you, but he has you in a way that is strange and alien with him being a, well, alien. This was all different and a new experience for everyone involved- it took a lot of communication and a lot of vulnerability to keep things going the way they were, which is a good thing don’t misunderstand him, he just sometimes wants to surprise you with something that makes your jaw drop and your eyes sparkle the way they did when you first found out he was a transforming robot. It was kind of hard to be smooth when you both discuss what it was that you were going to do next. Spontaneous courtship is what you can call what he seeks, but he knows he needs to do it on your level, and he has a plan that is crazy enough to work. The hard part? Keeping that plan a secret as you were able to read him like an open book so well sometimes that it was a little scary.

-Ok, maybe he was exaggerating when he said the hardest part about this whole thing was keeping it a secret- that was actually the easy part. The hard part was actually training himself to possess a holoform that reflected what he thought he would look like as a human. Was he making himself to handsome? Was he making himself to muscular? Would his hair color be dirty blonde or light brown? These possibilities were endless and that was what was causing him stress unlike anything he had ever felt before- and he has fought against the big bad Megatron himself! Optimus was the one that was able to quell his insecurities about the whole situation- reminding him that you would love him and be attracted to him no matter what form he took, because the outer body wasn’t who he was, his spark was who he was and that was the part that you fell in love with. He got all fuzzy after hearing Optimus Prime validate what it was that the two of you shared together but it mostly reminded him of why he wanted to do this for you in the first place. It doesn’t matter how suave he is and it doesn’t matter what he looks like- all that matters was that you were happy and that he can show you that through hard work on his end he can give you at least a little semblance of what a normal human relationship should be like. That’s all he really wants, to see your eyes glow bright and your smile to take up half of your face as he surprises you with something special that took him a long time to create. This wasn’t about him, this was about you and your happiness, and he was willing to go the distance proving just how much he really cares about you and needs you in his life.

-It was a wonderful and unexpected surprise to say the least as Smokescreen wasn’t normally the one to initiate an outing between the two of you, it was normally yourself that had to convince him to go somewhere fun and different. You would have never thought to pick a drive in theater, mainly because they were slowly going out of style and you had to travel to the next town over to go to one, but it was the best place to be considering it wouldn’t be strange for you to just sit in your car the whole time. It was easy enough to find a good spot and to get comfortable in Smokescreen’s cab, it helped to remember that it was a weeknight and most people had things they had to do the next day like school and work so the parking lot was relatively empty. It helped create an air of intimacy as you mentioned how nice the setting sun looked over the horizon of the empty black top behind the movie’s big screen, it painted the sky a beautiful purple and blue color as the time of twilight began to set in- you were so distracted that you almost didn’t hear the sound Smokescreen made to get your attention. He seemed nervous about something as he revealed to you that the reason he brought you here was to show you something he has been working on in secrete, you were no rocket scientist but you knew he was hiding something from you these past few weeks, you just hope that it’s something good and not detrimental to your psyche. You were awestruck as you watched the air in the passenger’s seat next to you begin to crackle and glow with some kind of electric phenomenon that made the atmosphere feel so warm and inviting. It only took about less than a minute for the noises to settle and for a figure to appear in the once empty seat, Smokescreen told you it was his holoform- and it was his way of wanting to give you a sense of normalcy in this relationship- you were overcome with emotion as you launched yourself to him as you felt a few tears slip out from your eyes as you wrapped your arms around his neck- he felt real, like a real human being. You loved him as he was as an Autobot and Cybertronian, but this, this felt so nice to just hold him like this. You two barely even registered the movie beginning in the background as the two of you just held each other and laughed- both of you feeling relieved and both of you basking in the presents of their loved one.

(08/29/18)

[woildismyerster]

hiya! love your writing, but i need more marwan fics!! would you be able to write a oneshot where y/n is friends with the mathletes but marwan is like awkward and blunt around her and she thinks it’s cause he hates her but it’s actually that opposite?? thanks hon!! xo

“That’s not right,” you said, glancing up from your phone.  “The third problem, I mean.”

At the front of the room, Marwan paused.  He looked back at you, then at the series of math problems he was solving on the board, and scowled.  “No, it isn’t.”

“It is,” you insisted, and the other Mathletes scanned the problem too.

After a second, Tyler made a sound of realization.  “She’s right, dude.  You got the math right, but didn’t add ‘c.’”

Marwan scowled, but corrected the mistake.  “Why is she even here?  This is a Mathletes practice.”

“Because I wanted to hang out with my boys,” you said, eyes on your phone again.  “If they’re in Mathletes practice, I’m in Mathletes practice.”

“If you joined the team, it would make more sense,” he griped.

Kevin slung an arm around your shoulders.  “You don’t need to join to hang,” he promised.  “You’re the mascot.  And what a mascot you are, babe.”

You laughed.  “Besides, I’m here for you guys.  Not for the math.”

“Then don’t correct my work.”

“Then don’t mess up your work,” you snapped back.  “But if you really want to get problems wrong, be my guest.”

The room fell silent, aside from the squeak of the whiteboard marker.  After a pause, without turning around, Marwan broke the tension.  “Do the rest of them look right?”

The three of you okayed the problem set.  Marwan only thanked the boys directly, but he shot a quick, curt nod your way.  You had to fight back a scowl, but it was victory enough.

“Kev?”

“Yeah?”

You bit your lip, hating that you were about to ask, but feeling like you ought to.  “Should I stop crashing at your practices?  Like, is that inappropriate?”

“No, why?”  Kevin had been brainstorming a rap for the creative aspect of some presentation, but he dropped the notebook to pay better attention to you.

“Marwan -”

“Oh,” Kevin said knowingly.  “Is my boy giving you grief?”

You snorted.  “No - well, yes, but I hardly care.”

“Then why are you asking?”

“Because if it’s an actual problem, I don’t want it to become a big thing.”  There was always something with Marwan, at least when you were around.  You weren’t a member of the Mathletes, so you shouldn’t be at practices.  Of course you liked that book/movie/song; everybody did - how predictable.

“Marwan likes you,” Kevin assured you.

“He doesn’t act like it.”

“He’s got the social skills of those aliens in Galaxy Quest.  He also has the loyalty of them.”

You gave a half smile at that.  “If only he had the charm.”

Kevin laughed.  “He does when you aren’t there.  He just doesn’t know what to do with you.”

You didn’t really believe Kevin about Marwan liking you, but you decided to keep going to Mathletes practice.  That was his problem - you wouldn’t stop hanging out with people who did enjoy your company because of one person who didn’t.

Y/N:  pro-tip:  making a sign that says “I’ll take you to your limit if you show me your end behavior” does not go over well with parents at your competitions

Marwan:  you didnt

Y/N:  look over here

Kevin:  turn around and show my parents.  theyll love it

Marwan:  jesus christ Y/N.  we cant take you anywhere

Y/N:  

You weren’t that picky about homeroom t-shirts - you would hardly wear it, and it wasn’t like you felt all that attached to yours - but you would die before letting the winning design have SWAG written on the back.

Yours would have to be better.

Everybody in the class had been given a paper with the outline of a shirt on it, and all of you were supposed to spend homeroom brainstorming class shirts.  It was stupid, it was a waste of time, and you threw yourself into in wholeheartedly.  

“I heard that Cunningham’s class is putting his face on their shirts, Andy Warhol style,” you commented to nobody in particular.

It seemed, of course, that Marwan was the only person to have heard.  “Probably because the girls all have crushes on him.”

“Maybe,” you admitted.  “I would wear a shirt with his face on it.”

Marwan rolled his eyes, writing your graduation year on his shirt design.  “Of course you would.”

“He’s funny, and he’s smart.  That’s the best combination.”

“Not because he’s attractive?”

You shrugged.  “It doesn’t hurt.”

A girl near you agreed, and you shot a triumphant look at Marwan.

“There are plenty of smart, funny guys that don’t get put on shirts,” he countered.  “You can’t blame me for thinking that was the entire point.”

“And you can’t assume that I’ll have the exact same thought process as every other person!”  You grabbed a colored pencil and started coloring, perhaps more violently than necessary.  “You and I hang out all the time, and regardless of what you think of me, you should know that I’m a little less shallow than that.”

“Sorry,” he said softly.

The rest of the period passed with neither of you talking, but it only made you angrier.  There was nothing wrong with thinking someone was attractive enough to be on a shirt.  You felt no shame about that.  That being said, you wouldn’t wear a shirt if you didn’t like the person on it.  How low was his opinion of you?

“Y/N, your shirt -”

“What?”  You snarled the word, and there was a second of intense satisfaction when his eyes widened.

“I just - I wanted to tell you that it was a nice design.  I’d vote for it.”

“Oh.”  You grimaced, more at yourself than at him.  “I - thanks.”

“Marwan, I need immediate help, and you are the only person who I can ask,” you said seriously.

Startled, he pocketed his phone.  “What is it?”

“Should I wear my reindeer pajamas for Pajama Day, or the pumpkin ones?”

Marwan had looked ready to leap into action, which was commendable, but now his shoulders drooped and brow furrowed.  “I thought this was an emergency.”

You snorted.  “It is, dummy.  This is probably the most serious decision I’ll make in my entire life.”

“It’s November.  Neither one is in season,” he said.  

“Marwan, I swear to God, if I can’t count on you -”

“Pumpkins,” he decided.  “Pumpkins are better.”

You tapped your temple.  “A Halloween man.  I like it.”

He sighed, but it was half a laugh.  “I can’t believe I thought you had a serious need.”

“Don’t belittle what I see as serious,” you said.  “I helped you guys come up with rhymes for the talent show, and you only got to perform the first three seconds of the rap.  I spent hours on that.”

Marwan’s feet shuffled, and you knew that you had him.  “We don’t talk about that.”

“I do,” you said with a grin.  “And I always will.  You guys are losers.”

“Losers that you hang out with.”

“At least I have cool pajamas.”

That afternoon, you cautiously turned to Marwan to see if he wanted to be your partner on an assignment.  He met your eyes, and promptly turned around to partner with somebody else.

Kevin:  not gonna make it today, srry

Y/N:  illegal

Kevin:  my parents invited family friends over without telling me

Tyler:  you know they told you

Tyler:  you just didn’t listen

Marwan:  this myth has been busted

Kevin:  Tyler is one to talk

Kevin:  he was invited over

Y/N:  I L L E G A L

Y/N:  whats the point of seeing the movie if half the group cancelled?

Kevin:  seeing the movie, you psycho

You scowled at your phone.  You knew Kevin was right - if you cancelled now, even with a good reason, it would look like you just didn’t want to hang out alone with Marwan.  Sure, that was the truth, but Marwan was the douche canoe.  You didn’t need to stoop to his level.

You showed up at the theater to wait for him, half expecting him to be the one that doesn’t show up.

Maybe he was assuming the same thing, because he looked exhausted when he saw you standing by the entrance.  

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood: you could antagonize Marwan all evening, thereby rationalizing his obvious dread, or you could make this as easy on him as possible.

You took the one less travelled by, though you couldn’t be sure that it would make any difference.

You grinned at him, pushing off the wall to meet him halfway.  “Good thing we didn’t buy tickets online, huh?”

He blinked at you, and though he didn’t smile outright, the tired lines around his eyes receded some.  “Seriously.  I’m not surprised Kevin bailed last minute - he’s the worst, and we knew what we signed up for - but Tyler is usually better than that.”

“Pretend we did buy them online - who would you have wanted to give the extra two tickets to?”

“I don’t know,” he said.  He held the door open for you on the way in.  “I might have just tweeted that I had extras, and let people fight for them.”

“Right,” you snorted.

“What?”

“Do you really think that people would fight over tickets to see 2001: A Space Odyssey?”

“It’s a classic!”  He said the words as though they were sacred.

“That doesn’t make it good,” you argued.  

“It’s the greatest movie of all time!”

You raised your hands in surrender.  “I know it’s great - but since when have classics been good just because they’re classics?  I’ve watched plenty of things just to be able to say I’ve seen them.”

Too your surprise, Marwan gave a hesitant nod.  “Yeah, maybe.  This isn’t the type of movie Cady and Aaron would go to on date night.”

You looked around at the people walking in with you: nerds and old people wandered around the lobby, buying tickets and snacks.  “How romantic.”

Marwan gave a snort of laughter, and you counted it as a victory.

“Besides,” you continued.  “I’m not sure I’d want to play third wheel to them in a movie like this.  I don’t know if they make out in theaters, but I don’t want to see if they do.”

“You wouldn’t be a third wheel,” he said, taking two tickets from one of the workers.  “I’d be here.”

You looked at the tickets, surprised.  “I was going to pay for mine.”

Marwan froze, a deer in headlights.  “It’s no big deal.”

It was a big deal.  Friends don’t buy friends movie tickets without talking about it, not usually, and you and Marwan were hardly friends at all.  You were acquaintances.  Colleagues.

“I’m buying the snacks, then,” you declared.  Marwan smiled, and it seemed like he had won ground you hadn’t realized was up for grabs.

“I can’t believe you eat before the movie starts,” you hissed.

“I’m hungry,” he said, and punctuated the words by eating a handful of popcorn.

“It’s half gone!  I’m going to starve.”

He rolled his eyes, lips twitching into a smile.  “Fine - I’ll go get a refill.”

You settled back into your seat, sipping at your drink while you watched a pre-preview segment about building the sets for some action movie starring Tom Cruise.

“Hey.”

You glanced into the row behind you, and were confused when you didn’t recognize the person speaking.  “What?”

“Do you and your boyfriend always argue like that?  You’ve been fighting about whether water is wet or not for fifteen minutes.”

“It isn’t!  Liquids make things wet; they aren’t wet themsel - wait, he’s not my boyfriend.”  You frowned at the person.  

The unwelcome commenter smirked.  “Sure looks like he is.”

“I think I would know if I was on a date,” you countered.

“You’d think he would know if he wasn’t.”

When Marwan came back, you side-eyed him.  He brought back two popcorns, and when you raised an eyebrow at him, he shrugged.  “I ate most of the one, so I got you your own.  You don’t have to share it with me.”

You took it from him, stomach kicking.  He bought your ticket, and now he bought you snacks.  Marwan didn’t like you, and you thought that you knew that, but it was hard to hate him back when everything seemed skewed.

You should punch that person in the face.  There was nothing more confusing than people calling reality into question.

You had been planning to take the bus home, but Marwan insisted on driving you.

“You never know what kind of creeps are out at night,” he reminded you.

“Us, apparently.”

He was a cautious driver, and sometimes your hands itched to take the wheel.  “I’m getting you home safe,” he said through gritted teeth.  “If something bad happens, it’s my fault, and that’s not okay.”

“I won’t blame you,” you said, a little touched.  Then, when you decided that you were too touched, “I’ll be dead.”

“On second thought, you can take the bus.”

“On second thought, I’ll stay.  I’ll make you stew in your hatred all night long,” you shot back.

He glanced at you for a second before looking back at the road.  “I don’t hate you.  It’s, like, mild annoyance at best.”

You frowned.  “That sounds fake, but okay.”

“Wait - do you seriously think that I don’t like you?”

“I don’t think; I know you don’t like me,” you said.

Marwan gave a bewildered laugh, and you thought of what the person in the theater said.  “You haven’t been so wrong in your entire life.  Seriously, the opposite thing is true.”

“Opposite of hating me?”  You scoffed, putting on a high pitched croon.  “So you loooooooove me?”

He didn’t say anything.

“Marwan, that isn’t funny.  I already knew that you weren’t funny, but this -”

“I’m not joking,” he mumbled.  

You tried to swallow, but your throat wouldn’t work.  “Still not funny.”

“I just - I don’t know how to talk to you,” he said with a grimace.  “I mess it up every single time, and I know where I mess up, but I have no idea how I get there.”

“Usually by talking.  In general, really.”

“Y/N,” he said.  “I’m serious.  I really like you.  Like, everything about you, all the time.  Even the stupid things - I wouldn’t change any of them.  I’m not good at showing it, so I usually ignore you, but I do like you.”

“So act like it,” you said, and cringed.  “Sorry, that was mean.  But if you like me, and I think that you hate me, that’s probably a good reason to change what you’re doing.”

“What would you recommend?”

“Say, ‘hey, Y/N, when I act like a jerk, it’s because I want to hold your hand.  That, and I’m allergic to saying nice things.’”  You grinned at him when he looked at you again, but it was cautious.  These were unexplored waters, and the two of you had been bad enough at navigating the known territory.  “Say, ‘Y/N, I’m sorry that there was a misunderstanding.  Now that we’re on the same page, please help me figure out what to say if I’ve messed something up.’”

“Okay,” he said.  “Y/N, I like you a lot.  I want to hold your hand.  I want to go to movies with you, and I want to see you places without thinking I should leave before I start World War Three.”

“Okay,” you echoed.  “Marwan, I like you a little bit, sometimes.  You can’t hold my hand yet, we can go to movies, and you should talk to me when you see me.  If you can act like an actual friend, we’ll see about the holding hands.”

He smiled, and you wondered how you had ever thought he hated you at all.

You didn’t start liking Marwan immediately, just because he apparently liked you.  That would have been unrealistic after years of assuming that the two of you were probably in the middle of a nemesis origin story.  You were pleasantly surprised to find out that Marwan was on the same page.

He didn’t invite you to go stargazing, but he texted you to look outside when he knew Mars was going to be there.

He didn’t try to ask you out on study dates, but he partnered with you in class assignments and stayed after school to work on them.

He took things slow, and he slowly improved.

Marwan:  i cant believe youre crying during Wonder Woman

Y/N:  i cant believe youre on your phone during class

Marwan:  its homeroom

Y/N:  shes such a good person

Y/N:  and Steve Trevor deserved better

Marwan:  because he’s smart and funny?

Y/N:  bc hes super hot, actually

“You have glitter in your hair,” Marwan said during Mathletes practice.

“Yeah,” you said with a sheepish grin.  “It turns out that I’m ‘not responsible’ and ‘have trouble using materials the way they’re supposed to be used.’”

Kevin reached over and ruffled your hair, sending a shower of glitter onto the floor.  “I’m not cleaning that up,” he said.

“You’d better,” you warned.  “You did that.”

“Not my glitter, not my problem.”

You grimaced at your shoulders.  “I’m like a disco ball.  Anybody have a flashlight?”

Tyler laughed.  “How fast can you spin?”

“It’s all over your face,” Marwan said with a wry grin.  “You look like you went clubbing.”

“Ah, my cover is blown.”

He leaned in and frowned, trying to wipe it off your face with his fingers.  “Jesus.  This isn’t coming off.”

“This is my new look,” you said, ignoring the stares from Tyler and Kevin.  

“As good as it is, you should probably go shower.”

You shouldered your backpack, sighing.  “I know.  I just thought I’d hang out with my boys.  Later, losers.”

On your way out, you heard Kevin ask what all of that was about.

“I like her,” Marwan said, a smile in his voice.  “And I think she might like me, a little bit.”

You told Marwan that you wanted to take it slow, and you stood by that statement.  You hadn’t wanted to throw yourself in headfirst.  That being said, you also wanted to kiss him, so his willingness to be just friends was infuriating.

When he took you to see another movie, you wished he would offer to pay for your ticket.

You wished that he would eat too much popcorn, and that you could tease him about it.  

You wished that he would hold your hand during the movie.

After it ended, while he drove you home, you wished that he would have trouble watching the road because he wanted to watch you instead.

“Marwan?”

“Yeah?”  He checked his blind spot before changing lanes, jaw sticking out a little while he moved.

“I like you a lot.”

He grinned.  “I like you a lot, too.”

“I want you to hold my hand,” you said.

“Right now?  I’m trying to get you home safe, Y/N.  Like I said before - I won’t let anything happen to you -”

You leaned over and pressed a tentative kiss into his jaw.  It had still been jutting out, and the sharp angle of it softened in his surprise.

“Pull into a gas station or something,” you said.  “I want to hold your hand.”

There was nothing cautious about his haste to pull over, and there was nothing weary or nervous about the smile on his face when he did.

[glorious-sea-pancakes]

*steeples fingers thoughtfully* ..... I personally believe Genji makes more sense as an Aromantic character.  And this is coming from an Aro/Ace person. Genji very much reads to me as an Aro person because I see some of myself in him. No ship I’ve seen him in really reads as... 100% sincere to me. I can definitely see him being VERY close to Angela because of obvious reasons. Same thing with Zenyatta. Same with McCree and Lucio. But not... romantic. At least not what most people would understand as romance. 

Maybe it is because I just don’t find any of the Genji ships very compelling. But, then again, I may find them compelling if I perceived actual chemistry there. Instead I find it WAY more compelling to have him as confused, conflicted, and strangely relieved as I am.  

I need more depictions of clan Gengoo not really giving his lack of relationships a second thought. Because Genji sure as fuck doesn’t read as asexual. I mean, come on, kid was surely a junkie for any kind of thrill and rebellion. Having tons of lovers and complete freedom to be an absolute hedonist seems to fit him well. Not to mention he was attractive, rich, and powerful. No way he wasn’t getting more ass than a public toilet seat.

I can see spoiled and selfish but well meaning genji hopping from bed to bed, maybe trying out relationships that would tie the clan elders in knots but never staying long. Because he really did like that omnic but he also enjoyed the company of that poly amorous trio as well as that man and that woman and and and. But this is not a poly genji! No, genji wasn’t attached That Way to any of them and didnt feel any regret when he wandered off. He missed them but not in a Airborne Toxic Event “Sometime Around Midnight” sort of way. The way you would miss a friend. Maybe a little more than most people miss a friend. But he can live without them easily and he definitely wouldn’t feel moved to cry. 

Maybe he tried to be friends with some of his lovers after breaking up and was a little confused why sometimes people just couldn’t move on the way he could. The way he did. He might have felt a little like a bad person for causing someone he cared about heartbreak. Maybe he would feel a little bit like a bad person for not feeling heartbreak himself like he has been told by culture he should be feeling. Genji TRYING to channel that Sometime Around Midnight feel but just can’t muster it up in his heart. Hell, the dramatic little turd may have pretended and Hanzo’s reaction to that would be interesting and pretty funny. Because Hanzo loves like the average person and he can read Genji like a book and throws darts at Genji until he knocks it off.   Then Genji is a broken and lonely man. His big brother turned on him. The only person he really loved because family is a love he understands. Their parents may have already broken Genji’s heart and trust long ago but Hanzo is a deep cut. THIS is heartbreak. I doubt romantic love once crossed genji’s mind while he was in blackwatch. He was too busy coming to terms with his body and obsessing over what happened. Anyone stupid enough to flirt with or connect with genji would find a sword at their throat. Because genji is too disgusted by his body to enjoy physical pleasure and how DARE they try to know him.  Fast forward to genji post zenyatta, now at peace and happy. He’s better than he ever has been. He’s grown up, grown some self awareness and maturity while rediscovering his childish wonder and playfulness. Not everything is easy but all life has its challenges. He has accepted his body as much as he can and doesn’t resent it for what it is anymore. There are good days and bad days. Genji may still miss his fully human appearance, may feel a little uncomfortable indulging in sex again. Crossing that bridge would be a very slow reluctant journey. 

And yet! The appeal of sex has waned too. Because he has finally embraced his true moral compass without the clan stifling him. He has seen his flaws and his strengths and is a better person. So... shouldn’t he feel more attached to people? Surely that lack was a symptom of his selfishness. He isn’t that selfish boy anymore, right? Imagine genji trying out a romance and being so bewildered and conflicted because he STILL feels insincere and still could take or leave being tied to someone. It isn’t that he doesn’t care, not at all. He adores this person. He just hasn’t fallen in love. 

Maybe he is doing it wrong! But trying has mixed results and ‘try’ isn’t a great operative word in such circumstances. So maybe he just... shouldn’t worry about it and do his own thing. And so he does. And he still pauses when he cares about someone and wonders if this is what a Love feels like and isn’t really sure. He adores Zenyatta and Mercy and McCree and Lucio. He wants to keep them around, to keep living with them and seeing them every day when he wakes up. But he still doesn’t really love them in quite the right way. 

Sometimes he feels like his lack of romantic angst is a bit of a cop out, that on some level not aching over a relationship was the easy way out. Or his lack of emotional attraction a result of the agony he endured, a sign that he’s broken and not fully put back together, just as piecemeal as his body. Genji would have to balance that pain and uncertainty over what happened every day for the rest of his life even having moved on. That’s life. And his lack of romance is one of those things that bothers him a little yet can’t really be resolved. Just like his body.

One of the main themes with Genji is freedom. His nickname is sparrow and clasically bird = freedom. Genji’s entire backstory was that he was too wild and free to be kept by the Shimada clan and had to be put down for it. Then he was caged by his grief and feeling of betrayal for so long only to be set free again by Zenyatta. To a degree, one could say Genji being aromantic would be another symbol of that freedom. 

[yoooooxd]

the single bitch pressure

Growing up and developing those “feelings” and shit I started yearning for a boys touch, but not just a touch, no, I jumped off the wagon...I wanted to “FALL IN LOVE”, I wanted to be in a serious relationship before I had my first kiss, i must also remind myself that at that time being gay wasn’t as accepted as it is now, this was pre-Kevin mfkin abstract, pre-Lil Nas x, pre-Tyler, pre-Frank, basically pre-anyone to make being gay look good/cool, it was also before that corny ass fantasy like movie that i probably would have eaten up I love Simon....which I still cant believe came from a hetero...typical...I guess, anyways it was hard, it was hard to find a boy i felt deeply about and it was harder meeting one, the pressure grew and so did the loneliness besides dealing with that, i was also going threw a lot as a kid, and the romantic idea of a boy became a prince which then became a hero....which he never came......goodness the grief..., I ended up being my own hero which didn’t save myself just caused a lot of more trauma for myself through a lot self sabotage ooooh yeah so much fun ;)  I’m really getting side tracked... the pressure of find a partner grew and now I was living with a fantasy of a man I’d never meet, later on my journey of self destruction, I found my self being asked by friends: why I didn’t have a partner? my beauty was still there and I was a bit of a looker, described as cute by people who would meet me so it was hard for me to attract someone, its just what people didn’t know was that, I was trying to escape some really heavy stuff as young adult, I didn’t have to make for “boys” and to add to that, most of them no all of them identified as straight...they had a certain level of luxury when it came to dating, they didnt could grasp how hard it was to meet someone, cause quite frankly its so much easier for those breeders to pair up and find someone, I was looking but...at what? as a kid it seemed impossible and it wasn’t as accessible, the constant disappointment I faced....ugh brutal and then to be reminded of it...disgusting. but it started getting to me, constantly being asked: where is he? why dont you have one? i even got asked if i liked dogs and is that the reason why i was single.......like come on are you fucking kidding first of all .....ew GROSS second of all how does someones mind process that like ew? this pressure forced me to get into my first relationship....Jefferey and may i say....I’m sorry. I should’ve told your ass(Im talking as if Jefferey is reading this) “no i don’t wanna go out with you, the fact that you want me to ask you out cause your in between being a hoe and being with me is dumb ass hell” but I didnt, I wanted the questions to stop, i wanted to stop feeling lonely, i wanted something to feel ”right” or even “normal” I think most importantly I wanted someone to accept and love me in a point of my life, i was really fucking sad. I didnt have family, friends were there but to an extent..... I wanted to be saved......instead....things just became more chaotic....... DONT LET THE PRESSURE OF BEING A SINGLE BITCH GET TO YOU....FOCUS ON YOURSELF....EVANTUALLY ,,,,THINGS WILL FALL INTO PLACE...OR AT LEAST......i hope.