#but i cant compare to tags people leave on my art

[polycharismas]

post for ambrose to know my little guys awww the middle aged men who ruined my life awww :3 FUCK I FORGOT TO TAG @dohter ☺️

this is fumiya . the charisma of good and evil . hes the one who brought everyone in the house together for Reasons i guess . he looks very normal at first glance (especially compared to the design of everyone else) but hes the one everyone in the house is scared of. reason being he has zero sense of morals. he doesnt properly distinguish between right and wrong nor good and bad . he may sound terrifying but hes also really fucking chill . all of this combined makes him someone you can never completely trust nor distrust and its kinda funny . he also loves sweets and candy and pastries he like eats them excessively . every social situation hes in he always looks disinterested and in his own head . hes so neurodivergent They all are ngl

this is rikai . the charisma of order . unlike fumiya he has A Very Clear Sense Of Righteousness and fights for order among the members of the house everyday of his life . unsurprisingly this gets annoying as fuck when you actually dig into his usual methods . everyone in the house can agree that everything he does for righteousness is like very fucking exaggerated (like his obnoxious ass whistle he keeps using everytime order is slightly disturbed) but he couldnt care less . he wants order and control over everything and everyone . omg i forgot how hot his main official art was mffffgfhhhh SORRY SORRY SORRY S . getting derailed here . he may look and Act like hes the only normal person in there but in many senses hes one of the worst ones .

this is terra . the charisma of self-love . he . really likes himself . he Loves himself . he stares into the mirror for literal hours without problem . he Bleeds From His Nose Very Often looking at himself . he also has very low empathy for others that arent himself actually He couldn't care less about other people aside from himself . he's the one and only person worth it in the entire world in his perspective and honestly thats kinda real of him . also has a very complex relationship with gender and all that stuff . hes the only one from the whole cast with two main outfits . automatically proves his point that hes better tbh

this . Ohhggg this . This Is Ohse . the charisma of self-punishment . you know how terra is all about loving himself and all that well Hes the exact opposite. the very extreme opposite. he has severe depression and attempts to end his life several times throughout the series . he cant bear other people being nice to him because he feels like he doesn't deserve it at all. he barely leaves the room because he doesnt want people looking at his face he legitimately thinks it would be too disgusting for everyone . when he does leave he covers his face with a plastic bag so people dont look at his face . he often goes on tangents about how much he sucks. aside from all of that he really likes art and is actually very skilled at it he just doesn't notice this because hes too busy thinking nothing he does is worth it at all . he ruined my life

this is kei . the charisma of rebel. one day he went Damn i should start being a bitch and he never once stopped . if there's anything he can oppose at all he Does he never wants to agree with anyone or anything at all . rikai fucking hates him sometimes . everyone fucking hates him sometimes . he also likes street fights despite being fucking incompetent at them and always losing . he loves violence . its like his one solution for everything . unfortunately for him hes also one pathetic ass guy veeeeery deep inside even if he wants to put on this tough guy front. hes really truly miserable he just doesnt want anyone to ever find out

this . ugh . this is iori . the charisma of obedience . you know how kei is a bitch . well hes the exact opposite . if you ask iori for anything at all he will do everything in his power to get it for you . you would Think thats a good thing but unfortunately you dont know the things that go through this man's head . his acts of service for others are absolutely everything in his life . so much so he has made everyone (except for ohse) in the house sign a slave contract so they can use him however they please for the rest of his life . You Know How This Is Kinda Insane Right . he loves doing chores and being ordered around . if anyone ever offers to help him he like goes insane . he also . uhm . he also wears this . dog collar . so people ...... pull at it ........ and stuff ....... also hes like .............. very much a masochist ....... hes also ...... Hes also me . so me . he also ruined my life .

you see this official art right . you see it right . do i even have to explain anything . do i want to . i really dont . hes the reason i kinda hesitate from recommending charisma house to anyone . this is amahiko . he is literally And i mean LITERALLY the charisma of Sex . they just say it . straight up . no nuance no anything . hes just sex . hes sexo . hes a fucking freak about it . hes a self proclaimed "minister of sexy affairs" he describes that as his profession for some fucking reason . his goal is to "spread sexiness around the world" meaning he has to be a weirdo to everyone in the house . weirdo as in sexually . for some reason this never goes to the way some animes treat characters like him though you know what i mean . everyone around him finds him Weird for it they never try to hide the fact everything he does is weird as fuck . despite that its hard to hate him by the end . surprisingly hes one of the most mature in the house (being that hes also the oldest out of everyone's revealed ages . terra hasnt revealed his age) and can genuinely be someone you can trust . unfortunately hes a freak. thats the funny thing about him. hes also . uhm . h. h... no . no you dont have to know that .

sometimes when they get Too Charisma ! they transform have a whole musical number and then collapse in exhaustion . this is called a charisma break . they get it from being actual weirdos .

uhm my only warning for if you ever decide to watch charisma house is Number One amahiko as a whole and Number Two rikai's first song has literal nazi imagery unfortunately . Fortunately though thats like the only weird in the bad way mv . because the other mvs are also weird . i just don't know if i should describe them as weird in a good way . whatever. specific drama track episode for the song is number 27 but its only by the end . the rest of the episode is good to watch❤️

hope you had fun ambrose . these are my guys .

[nyxelestia]

#this 👏👏#also go read all of tortoise's tags but these ones ->#op is specifically talking about fic altered and published as original fiction#but i want to also mention the opposite story type:#those AUs we've all read that are so clearly original works#with familiar names slotted in#<- this is my issue with AUs inspired by different original works >:(#you just. cant transcribe the plot of one onto a different set of characters#the driving actions that formed that plot are different#one set of characters in a specific world and/or situation is going to result in a vastly different plot than the original set of characters#you might be able to get away with an easter egg but anything more is either clearly forced or discordant with the character(s)#and to flip back to ops point this is why i dont think fic with the serial numbers filed off would work as its own entity#at what point can you file down the characters into something new and still have a character left#if its a good fic the choices were intrinsically those of those characters. either theyre filed away to nothing or#molded into new characters who no longer fit within the story written and spawning their own plot#alternatively the author did not write those characters but rather new characters inspired by the original characters#at which point...why write fic if the intent was always an original story? why not just write original#this is also why its really frustrating to see people compare/measure fic writing to original writing#or say fic writing prepares you for original writing#fic writing and original writing have very different purposes#there's overlaps in certain skills and all writing practice is good writing practice#but the two are different art forms with fundamentally different goals#which is really neat!#but trying to graft the goals of one onto the other is going to result in a story pulled apart at its seams by different purposes#**this is not me saying people cant do these things live your best life etc etc im just saying this is why i dont think it works

@snickerdoodlles' analysis is too good to leave in the tags.

I also want to add that this phenomena contributes a lot to the wide variety of perceptions of RPF and fanon - and why so many people become hostile to something so seemingly benign.

In both RPF fandoms and in fandoms for fictional works, I have seen tons of fanfics which mostly used names, faces, and maybe the occasional extraneous details on what was otherwise an original work of fiction. There have often been authors who separated their work from the source quite intentionally, and viewed their works as exactly this.

However, in both cases, what also frequently happened is that because these were categorized as "transformative works" a lot of fans increasingly had their view of the original entity warped by these works of fiction. After all, if fanfic was the process of transforming an original 'thing' (person or canon), then clearly the starting points in canon, whether stated or implied, must be true, right?

If only.

The RPF manifestation of this is fans getting sucked into increasingly convoluted conspiracy theories about their idols or their idols' relationships. The canon-derivative manifestation is when fanon becomes so pervasive that fans literally forget canon - not disregard, not reject, they just straight up forget what was actually canon and what was fanon.

Both of these phenomena would theoretically be non-issues…except for the fact that the fans with these distorted understandings of the origin (the irl celebrity or the canon) get hostile to the rest of the world for not joining in on their worldview. The RPF version of this culminates to entire fandoms harassing celebrities and people around them for not conforming to the fandom's perception of them. On a much smaller scale, this lso happens in canon-derivative fandoms. In a prior fandom, I once put up an author's note on my fanfic basically telling my readers, "if you're expecting X, Y, and Z tropes, you should know those are fanon tropes that I'm not using" - and the fallout from that culminated in a years-long harassment campaign against me.

Obviously, a few dozen strangers on the internet who have no way of impacting my living, housing, or employment is an infinitesimally tiny impact compared to celebrities getting subject to the hate of hundreds of thousands of people who know their name and face and can impact their actual finances.

However, the reason for the targeting (reality/canon not matching up to the reality/canon implied by "transformative" works) and the origin (fans not distinguishing from a constructed reality/canon implied by works of fiction from the actual reality/canon) are the same.

And both of these start from the phenomena of "creating an original work then slapping some unrelated names and superficial details on top to gain access to a specific 'market'." When this is done to convert fanfic to original work, the market is "people who will actually pay for this"; but when it happens in reverse, the market is "a prebuilt audience."

It should be harmless, but the fact it implies transformation when there isn't - which leads to people lashing out when forced to confront how different reality is from their construction.

i understand the appeal of publishing "fic with the serial numbers filed off" as original work but i also feel like. what makes something a good fic is at odds with what makes something a good original story.

[olexxx]

you cant tell me this isnt how it went

[spearxwind]

Part 1: Hey! I love your art/OCS and your blog has introduced me to your friends who also have awesome OCs. This made me notice that Tumblr and Twitter seem to interact with original characters differently. I'd love to meet people and friends who'd like to interact with my OC doodles, but Twitter feels like a difficult space to get interaction, despite more artists moving over there. Whereas years ago, I had ask blogs for my fan-made and original characters which received plenty of interaction.

hi! yeah, from my experience twitter is a lot more eh... hostile when it comes to looking for interaction. it's a site that runs on people making short slapstick posts, with very limited characters, so people generally cant even talk a lot about their ocs in the first place. twitter also hides long threads, condenses them in your feed so you dont really see them

most artists have moved there bc of the nsfw ban, and generally twitter has a lot more users, so its a lot easier to find an audience IF, and only IF you already have a couple people to spread your posts around, bc twitter doesnt have the same kind of tagging system as tumblr does

ive definitely found more artists to follow through twitter but because of the super fast paced nature of the site (and also my short attention span) i dont really have time to get to know about peoples ocs at all

to answer your questions though:

1. posting on tumblr now gets me a LOT less interaction/notes than it used to. legit. i get maybe, 100-200 notes tops on normal posts when years ago i used to get twice or three times that. i get SOME more on generally popular ocs/designs bc people are like oohhh ahhh aesthetic but yeah. HOWEVER, it DOES occassionally get me curious people asking questions about my ocs which is ultimately what i really want. posting on twitter gets me a lot more attention (i mean, fucking compare my latest art, 340 notes on tumblr versus 4k total on twitter) but all the interaction with that tweet is people going 'oohh ahh thats so cool!!' but on tumblr SOMETIMES MAYBE i get questions going like ‘so based on ur last art, does oc do X’ or i get anons saying funny shit and its rly nice, i dont rly get that on twitter a whole lot 

2. dont fucking know how i drew in my crowd. i wish i did though so i could avoid it lmao. ii know back in 2015 i racked up a bunch of people/notoriety bc of httyd2 and i kinda rode that out into dragons and then creatures and then edgy stuff. i also am usually the one going out to people and going ‘wow ur ocs are sick bro can u tell me about them pwease’ especially on here bc again, its so much harder to do that on twitter

last notes: 

- ive seen ppl on twitter make side accounts specifically for oc talking. i myself have a personal account where i just go off abt ocs on occassion, but its also my private account that maybe 4 friends have total, i dont allow random people in. i rly wish i could do that on here though o

- on twitter anything you post will be gone from peoples feeds in 24 hours roughly. thats just how it is. you dont see people retweeting things that are super old unless the artist themself rts it and gets it circling for a day or two more. and yet without doing jack shit i have posts of mine circulating here on tumblr for fucking years, inexplicably. people are still reblogging my httyd posts, and following me for some very specific fanart i made in 2017 and i am like.why are you here. how did you find this 

- i HAVE seen my shit stolen/ripped off on tumblr a lot more than twitter though, but i think thats just because its easier for ppl on twitter to slip under the radar if they never interact with u. who knows though i havent exactly studied this 

idk if any of this is helpful but its my personal experience. im just rly biased towards twitter i hate it. i wish i could leave but 99% of my client base is there so i cant -_-

[searchingforbucky]

FIC RECS (Part 6) :)

sorry if you got tagged in this again, I'm a dummy and deleted it on accident :( 

Request: Could you recommend me some biker!bucky fics? I’ve read all of @bucky-plums-barnes’ and I’m desperate for more

Alright guys, this is my favorite fic recommendation list I’ve done thus far. Lets buckle up for my absolute favorite AU. This one is LONG. But I just couldn’t stop I love this AU too much to not go on and on lol. These fics are amazing, I tried to keep it to one fic an author, but I stated if they had more! Also the descriptions may be a little smaller, because there were so many I didn’t want this to be way too long :) And shoutout to @bucky-plums-barnes for all of their amazing biker stuff too!

Swallow by @all1e23 

This fic here, is absolutely beautiful. The way Allie writes is so unique, and reading their work is always a wonderful experience. There is never an emotion that goes unfelt by the reader. This fic is a story that perfectly embodies the way love makes you act. Love isnt perfect, its heartbreak, and destruction, and pain, yet above all else its beautiful. Don’t go in expecting a fairy tail, go in expecting tangible realistic love between two broken people. Also, Allie has an amazing story called Home, that I also highly recommend.

New Girl by @omnomsauruswrites 

This was the first biker Bucky story I ever read, and I think thats why its one of my favorite AUs, because I got sun a good start with this fic. I love this story. We’ve got enemies to lovers, biker bucky, and a killer plot twist that I did NOT see coming. All in all it was such a lovely story. Its shorter chapters, but every word is purposeful to making you fall in love with both characters. In the end you get a happily ever after, and you couldn’t ask for more!

Howling’ For You by @invisibleanonymousmonsters

Ohh my love, my whole heart is in this fic. This is such an amazing story. I sometimes don’t love the good girl bad boy trope because its overdone and excessive, but THIS. This is so well done, is he protective? Yes. But does he also know she is perfectly capable of being an independent human? Yes! There were so many twists and turns and absolutely heartwarming love between the two characters. I also love how in character every person is. Amazingly well done, would read it every day if I could.

Wild Horses by @whitewolfbumble

Bad Boy exterior SOFT boy middle?? Yes! This fic is so adorable. It really shows the build of the relationship, and thats always my favorite part. It was such a true to life story in my opinion, the reader started of lost and finding her place in the world, then this lovely group of people just accepted her and helped her through her tough times. It was such a heartwarming read, with angst that just solidified the connection between the characters. And the friendship they all had was so refreshing compared to some stories where people are just rude for no reason. Its a short yet sweet read, and I 100% recommend it.

Long Way Round by @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan

This was a hard one to choose, so many amazing biker stories they’ve written! But im a sucker for series’ and this series is so awesome. I LOVE Plus size reader stories, hell yeah representation! Now this story is a TRIP! Its like a really good episode of criminal minds. There are so many details jam packed into this that I couldn’t put my phone down! Shady gangs, corrupt leaders, and a smart as hell reader. This was just such a good read, not even for Bucky, but just for the incredible story telling. Sweet protective Bucky is always a plus though. Also, check out their other amazing stories like The Bounty, and Red Star Rebel, they’re just as amazing as this one!

A Real Sweet Guy by @mycupoffanfiction

I remember when I first read this it was only a oneshot and I was super sad, but then BOOM it turned into an adorable series. Its not done yet but its so good so far! Its the epitome of soft baby boy Bucky under a hard tough guy exterior. The way Ellie portrays relationships between characters is so cute, you feel the love between everyone whether that be platonic or romantic. Its through details that she sets up this lovely little universe that you just get sucked into, and honesty im fine staying there lol. I cant wait to read more of this one!

Rebel by @promarvelfangirl

Okay for this, just a warning, my device has a little trouble with the master list so it may be easier to use the desktop version :) Okay about the story, holy hell this one is cute. Bucky is HOPELESS, and just wants a date, Peter has the worst timing, and Steve just is along for the ride. I love mutual pining fics where one is completely oblivious to the other trying to ask them out, and the other is just trying their best lol. I felt like banging my head on the table very time Bucky got too nervous, but alas! It worked in the end, adorable little fic. They also have a cute set of biker Bucky stories called Fancy hair that I love so much.

Born To Run by @softbiker

Slow burn baby! This one is still in progress but hot damn is it good so far. I love this trope of the girl not really wanting anything to do with the guy but the guy and his friends being like well thats too dang bad! I love the idea that family isn’t what you’re born with, its who you love and who loves you. This fic is absolutely lovely so far, and though obviously I don’t know much about where its going to end up, where it is right now is good enough for me to put it on this list!

Notorious by @interestedbystanderwrites

I know I’ve been going on and on about how much I love Soft sweet Bucky. But I also LOVE badass tough guy who is very scary Bucky. And oh baby is this the perfect fic for that! Bucky is a felon, and a hot one at that. And what he sets his eyes on, he gets. That thing just so happens to be the all to trusting reader. This is such a thrilling fic. It reminds me of baby driver for some reason. I love seeing the cracks that show a bit of sweet Bucky. It leaves me waiting for more! He’s her addiction, she cant help but to stick around. Such a good fic, I cannot wait for more of it! 

Deny Me by @brooklynsboys 

This fic made my heart turn to mush. Its about an insecure reader, and a tough buck who has the softest heart ever but doesn’t know how to show it sometimes. My absolute favorite bucky is the bucky that only his girl gets to see, and this is the perfect representation of that. The way they write is spectacular. They get you to completely understand the feelings the character has without literally just writing it. You are right there in the world with them, feeling what they feel. And who doesn’t love a perfect happy ending?

Whatever it Takes by @sgtjbuccky 

Oh Buddy, lets talk about how much I LOVE this fic. Bucky is the biggest charming jerk there is, but you love to hate him. I was smiling the whole way through this read. Literally my face hurt by the end I was smiling so big! It was cute, and I felt every frustration, yet every single bit of the tension they had. The reader is a smart little cookie, and bucky is too cocky for his own good. If you want a cute extremely well written fic, this is the place to go!

Tender Surprises by @empyreanwritings 

Jesus, talk about tooth rotting tear jerking fluff. You know those videos where the child asks a pseudo-parent to adopt them? Yeah, thats this perfectly embodied in a fic. I cried, read it again, then cried some more. I love how it mixes tough biker Bucky with soft non-toxic masculinity father. We need more of that. It was so perfectly written, the flashbacks are perfectly placed, and give another layer of depth into this familial relationship they have. I love Dad!Bucky and Biker!Bucky, so to have them wrapped into on is perfect.

Softail by @nacho-bucky 

Theres something about the way Cait writes thats just poetic. She could write about my morning routine and it would be art. This fic is no exception. Its the cutest little thing, two people in a diner, brought together by chance and a little bit of courage. Its an adorable little story about trust, and taking a chance. Bucky is supportive and encouraging, reader is a little scared. But it all works out in the end, because everything is okay when you’re with the one you love. 10/10.

You Give Love, A Bad Name by @em-imagines

I love stories like these.  The cocky boy chasing the uninterested girl, yet there is obviously some tension there? Yeah, thats my cuppa tea right there. Also, its a high school AU! Love those. This story is definitely a mixed bag of feels. You get the super cute chase, but you also see a raw side of Bucky, and his unfortunate home life. As sad as it is, I think its a good representation of true life, where there is always something that you don’t know about someone. Theres vulnerability to this, and that makes it such a lovely story to read. Incredibly well done.

What’s On The Inside by @revengingbarnes

Is this technically a mechanic and not Biker AU? Yes. But he rides a motorcycle and its too good to not mention lol. This fic is ADORABLE. Mutual Pining! Shy flirting! Instant Connection! Bike Riding! Its incredibly well done too. Its just one of those feel good stories, it makes you smile, and want to get to know more about the characters. Soft Beefy bucky is my favorite boy, and this is SUCH a good representation of him. My heart was mush the whole way through. 10/10 would read again (for the 12739th time)

Broken by @allthebucky now on @poeticbarnes 

Forbidden lovers y’all, thats it. Like Romeo and Juliet except Bucky is a dummy who doesn’t know the right thing to do, and the reader just wanted truth. Its a short but sweet little fic, theres so much emotion packed into the story too! You feel the pain the reader and bucky hold at different times, but you also feel the longing as well. Its such a cute relationship they have, and I’m always a sucker for bucky putting the reader first!

Over The River and Through the Woods by @geminimoonbeamx

Sure its only September, but that doesn’t mean its not time for a killer Christmas Fic! Also another plus size reader hell yeah! I LOVE the domesticity from this! Its like Love Actually, a bunch of absolutely crazy people coming together, and the reader and Bucky are just trying to get out alive lol. It also really sweet in dressing what its like to be without those you love on holidays. A perfect balance of sweet and serious. Its so cute, and so funny. I have a non conventional family so I can relate to this so much.  The love between the two is so palpable and so heartwarming. 

Home Sweet Home by @sweet-barnes

Their name says it all. This story is just one big ball of sweet biker Bucky and his sleepy gal. I am always looking for those small tooth rotting fics just to boost my feelings for a day and oh man is this is. Bucky is the biggest cuddle bug in history and not even his scary biker persona can change my mind. This fic made me smile so hard, and then want to take a nice nap with the teddy bear Bucky Barnes himself.

Skin by @captain-ariel-barnes

Okay I love this one because I’ve not read another like it. I love how she portrays Bucky as having been in an accident and having memory problems because of it. Its so real and sad when you think about it because its entirely realistic and truthful to life. And boy is Bucky not just the sweetest thing ever. He wants to remember his girl no matter what, so he makes it permanent. Their relationship is so cute. I just love soft Bucky with my whole heart. Amazing story, so well done! 

The Mailbox by @kaunis-sielu

This one was one of the first one shots I read of biker bucky and I still love it so much! Bucky is such a softie, running into mailboxes fixing them, even having Steve paint it? Okay big bad biker guy, you sure are scary… Also, protective bucky yeah baby!! Hell do what he needs to to keep the reader safe, and oh baby if that isn’t like my favorite trope ever. Also the little sassy elements are hilarious. I also recommend their other biker fics such as Stitches, or Just Married. :)

Oh god. That was a long one. Would you believe me if I said I had to cut it from 37 to these 20 here? Hardest decision of my life lol. Thank you all so much for reading until the end. I hope you all love these fics as much as I do! :)

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most�� creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[fics-not-tragedies]

Heart of a dog: One

Yes, another new fic; yes, I am absolutely nuts. Few spoilers from “Chapter One” ahead, mixed with puppy fluff (we all need some puppy fluff in our lives), sorta AU I’d say, because well we have Daisy in there ;)

SUMMARY: After making an advert in a newspaper John hires a dogsitter for Daisy.

- - -

Readers tag list:

@spookier-than-u; @sparrowsparrow; @magdazwolska; @mikaneonox; @derangedcupcake; @geostarr; @catsmieow; @wickedlangdon; @bodhi-black; @bugalouie; @onebatch--twobatch; @fandom-lover-4; @drunkonyellow; @semtempoirmaoo; @spadesandaces2342; @harrisongslimited; @a--1--1--3; @hhighkey; @lunilate; @i-cant-remember-my-old-login;

The house was quite outstanding compared to the ones she saw on her way here. It was standing on the sidelines, away from the main road; looked like the owner needed peace in his not so little safe haven. Those tall windows felt intimidating when she saw them, but most of them was covered in fairly opaque blinds stopping the outside world from interfering with the inside one.

His lawn was neatly trimmed, the juicy color of the grass showed that the owner was really taking care of everything or perhaps he had a bunch of people that do it for him. Two tall and sprawled trees were planted on each side of the concrete path that lead to the doors. Those were weeping willows, she knew them from the tree study she had to do back in the days she started her adventure with art.

She stopped by the entrance and lifted her hand, but flinched it away right before she could find the courage to knock at his door. There wasn’t any bell visible on the wall beside the entrance, so she had to announce her arrival the old school way. The lack of bell only stressed the fact that her perhaps-new-boss was a real fan of doing thing the old ways. Who writes an advert in a daily newspaper?

Of course he has to be old, not a single middle-aged man would post about his need for a dogsitter in a newspaper, they would simply made an online post in one of the advertising sites or in a dogsitting forum. It didn’t looked like there were many people waiting for their job interview.

There were no cars parked outside and it felt like she was the only one who ever responded to his advert. The old suitcase she was holding in her hand was becoming heavy, so she placed it on the ground right next to her feet.

With few deep breaths she finally found the courage to knock at the doors, the sound of her fist meeting the wooden entrance echoed in the hall. She took a step back, waiting for someone to appear in the door frame.

A face flashed behind the glass pane mounted in the wall by the doors and they opened, a tall man standing in the entry. He stepped out of the house and looked at the girl that was standing at his doorstep.

“Mister Wick?” she asked slightly confused, taking another step backwards and stumbling on the steps, waving her hands around her body, trying not to fall back, “Oh” she mouthed when she regained her balance. A small smile was dancing on his lips and he tried his best not to giggle out loud.

“Please call me John. You must be Audeline, it’s really nice to- Daisy no!” he shouted as the tiny Beagle puppy sprinted from between his legs and jumped onto the girl. Daisy was hopping on her back legs, while the front ones were patting Audeline's calf. Her tail was wagging back and forth, and she whined happily when the girl crouched, letting her lick her hand.

“She’s so cute!” she lifted the pup, taking it in her hands as she got back to a standing position. Daisy barked few times and moved to lick her face making her giggle out loud.

“Oh yes, she loves to lick people’s faces” John scoffed, as she gently patted the pup’s head, seeing how the little dog yawns and nests itself in her embrace.

With the puppy falling asleep in her arms Audeline finally had the time to take a better look at her owner. John was nowhere near the assumption of the old man she made at the beginning. His broad shoulders and arms that were barely fitting in the short sleeves of his T-shirt were the only things that she payed attention to right now.

A smile was still hiding in the corners of his mouth as his dark eyes were scanning her figure. She reminded him of Goldilocks, her thick, amber colored locks were tied partially at the back of her head with grey ribbon.

The way she held his dog, the view of her with Daisy in her arms pulled few strings in his heart and once again John felt things that withered in the moment his wife died.

“I think you’re hired” he mumbled out, their eyes meeting for the first time.

“You don’t have other candidates?” she wondered, the puppy snored a little, those cute noises making them both laugh. John picked up her suitcase and invited her inside with a gesture of his hand.

“Well… Daisy loves you and honestly- you were the only one that responded to my advert” they both walked inside the hall and he locked the door behind them.

“You’re kidding me?” she turned around to face him and he stopped in front of her. John just smiled, seeing how comfortable his dog feels in her arms.

“No, not at all.”

There was something diverse in the simplicity of her blue eyes. He saw thousands of blue eyes in his lifetime, but there was something about hers that was quite mesmerizing.

“Only one bag?” John asked her, placing the worn out suitcase onto his couch. She was wandering through the living room, looking out the windows, admiring the view, with the pup still hurdled up in her arms.

She turned around on her heel and walked over to him, “I have all I need right inside of it” when she smiled at him it felt like a ray of morning sun that shun right through his heart.

“I prepared a room for you, with a nice view, since you mentioned that you like to paint” there wasn’t anything he could do but simply smile back at her.

When they first talked on the phone she seemed too young for him, but he had to admit that she has the perfect hand for dogs and it looked like she was able to slightly melt his ice cold heart.

“I’d love to give you a tour of the whole place, but I have to go soon. Let me carry your luggage to your room, it’s the first one on the left” he smiled once again, then disappeared upstairs.

The small dog bed was placed by the couch and she gently placed Daisy onto it, observing how she stretched her legs a little and laid on her side, a variety of snores leaving her snout. Kicking off her Converse shoes, she grabbed them in her hand and wandered after John, then into the first room on the left.

Her suitcase was placed on the bed with sheets wrapped in flowery lining. It was brand new, because she noticed the tag that was hanging from one of the corners. After placing her fatigued shoes by the bed, she opened her suitcase and began to unpack it.

Main part of her baggage was compiled from variety of paint brushes in different sizes, few empty canvas, two pencil cases with pencils and crayons, a large sketchbook and few types of paints, along with the “1001 paintings you must see before you die” book. On the very bottom of it there were two dresses, another pair of Converse shoes, two blouses, skirt and few pieces of underwear mixed with socks.

The closet he prepared for her was enormous and absolutely unnecessary for those few pieces of clothing she owned. When she was done with placing her clothing there she noticed the huge desk that was placed by the windows. The top part of it was adjustable, so she could move it to various positions depending on what she was doing.

“Audeline?” John called her name and she slid across the wooden flooring in her socks, then took a step into the hall.

He was just simply standing close to he stairs, but it make her jaw drop nonetheless. Dressed in all black suit, with a duffel bag on his shoulder, he opened his mouth to say something, but when he saw the look she had on her face after she emerged from the room he snickered a little, but remained silent.

“Y-you, erm… going… work?” she mumbled out, rubbing her temple harshly and he had to bit his lower lip so he didn’t laughed out loud, making her feel even more awkward.

With his hair slicked back he looked even more stunning, the black attire he put on looked too good on him and she felt how her mouth started watering. She gulped down the lump in her throat.

“The dog food is in the cupboard above the sink, her leash is hanged by the doors. Don’t open if you’re not expecting anyone” his forehead scrunched a little like he was trying to remember all of the things he wanted to tell her, “Oh, and your keys are on your desk. I think we’ll get along after all” the corner of his mouth raised a little and he walked down the stairs, but suddenly stopped, like he wanted to have one last look at her, “Goodnight Audeline.”

“G-goodnight John” she blurted out and stood, like she was frozen in place.

The last bit of her that he saw while walking downstairs was the pair of her outrageously colorful socks and he couldn’t help but smile again.

She sprinted to the windows in her room, lifting the blinds, so he could watch John drive in his car from the garage. He stopped for a moment, looking up at her windows, seeing her figure pressed against the glass pane and when their eyes met John knew that she will play a bigger role in his life.

Maybe just like Daisy Audeline was sent to change his life somehow.

[lilacprincessofrecovery]

i wont say Im anorexic bc that’s a pretty heavy label, but Ive had a history of starving myself and it sucks. I’ve been in a better head space recently and im actively recovering and trying to build up my confidence but ive run into a problem. im a dancer and I love dancing so I follow ballet blogs but looking at all these petite women dancing reminds me so much of the thinspo blogs I used to follow. I dont want to trigger myself into relapse again but I don’t know how to stop thinking like this

TRIGGER WARNING- EDSyeah labels just suck.im in recovery as well. its hard. i cant rid myself of the thoughts either. It hurts. but i try very hard not to relapse. You want recovery so you can hurry up and leave you better but the ed thoughts wont ever leave your mind. itll always be there waiting to flare up again. wanting to attack you. thats when you fight. you have to fight it. you have to keep recovery on the mind and fight the impulses and things.  Being a dancer is supposed to be fun. You have a body that you are meant to have. You cant compare yourself to them. You have to be you. Whoever that may be. i think ballet is definitely a situation and hobby that requires you almost to have to have eating disorder thoughts. what i learned in treatment is that music and CBT and art helps. and having people you can talk to about it. there was a model in my treatment group. i wanted to be her. but i realized that even she had flaws. the ‘perfect’ people are also have flaws. i couldnt believe it but it reminded me. they are only human. just like me. have fun competition in dancing but yeah I would stay away from ballet blogs. If you look at things that trigger you it sticks in your head til it grows and grows into a firework in your head and you feel helpless. but you my dear are not helpless. and tumblr is triggering despite them wanting to help with filters in the tags and such but theres so many bad images on here that it wont leave your mind after you see it. 

You can recover. Recovery is definitely worth it. I believe in you. You need to talk just let me know. :) Hope I’ve helped a little. 

[one-hell-of-otaku-is-here]

15 tag game

Not tagging anyone in particular so yeah im aready kind of breaking rules again but whatever lol. Tagged by wonderful @lycoryllis one again ^^

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope, my name was chosen by draw by my fathers ex collegues. If I was a boy I would be either called Thomas or by my father Peter and knowing him he would definitely choose his name so yeah

2. When was the last time you cried?

Eeh probably two weeks ago?? I had a pretty bad weekend back then

3. Do you have kids?

No

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Sometimes, it really depends on the people I’m around. Tbh I do not see myself to be a sarcastic person so I guess it depends on the situation. I think that if I use it then i tis mostly around my family and close friends. I do not open up to strangers or at school or in  public to people so it is only natural I would be less sarcastic

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

In general, I think I look at theor face firts then rest of the body. I do think I judge people based on theri first impression on me at least for a while before i get to know them better soo I am not immune to making prejuduces about them. I guess if someone were to look in my head they would want to have nothing to do with me lol I tend to judge the way they talk or what face expression they make biut mostly I judge their appearance. Sight I think that is also why I cant get boyfriend – I have a certain prefernces even in looks but those guys tend to be the worst or the y are gay or they are taken so yeah

6. What’s your eye color?

Grey blue – I was born with blue eyes but you know how they change during life – my dad has very strange color combinantions and I inhereted that from him I guess – in differnt light they may appear green, gray or even blue. All in all just know they are mostly greyish blue

7. Scary movie or happy ending?

I generally don’t like scary movies unless we are talking about surreal horor or psychological horror such as was anime and game Higurashi. I do not do well with gore but that series was waay more than that and so I did not mind. I think I do like happy endings over scary ones – I grew up on  fairytales and later as a teen on rom cons after all- but lately since I started to like thrillers and crimi series –and played  lots of games with that genre- I started to welcome bad endings too. It is fiction after all and sometimes some pretty shitty but well written bad ending can be waay better than happy ending / thats is why I was sad to learn everything turned out well in Clannad – the ending with Tomoya losing all was freaking sad but amazing and realistic af which I always appreciate

8. Any special talents?

I tend to think I am just average in everything I do. I am so jealous over anyone who has high IQ for example it feels like those guys just swim through life without any worries or care in the world whike I struggle here in academics. If they appear arrogant about it that is. Aside from itellegence I do not excel in other areas that much as well.

9. Where were you born?

In a very small country in Middle Europe – we are surrounded by countries such as Poland, Hungary and even Ukraine and Austria. I was born in second biggest city here but compared to rest of Europe we do not stand out that much. I leave our flag here so you can check it out. We have a beautiful mountains up in north for which we are well known for and our surrounding countries often visit them

10. What are your hobbies?

I like lots of things but not all of them can be called hobbies I do not engage in them that much. Those hobbies would be walking with my dog, swimming, cycling and dancing. Then there are my true hobbies – those include reading books, playing otomr or RPG games and as you all know anime and manga. I used to draw a lot too as a kid but I am not good and i tis not something I can do as I am nt patient enough. Then I also used to sing a lot with my grandpa. I think singing would have becomem my oassion and a career if I could actually sing, Musicv is also one of my true hobbies I love listening to my favourite bands and my favourite anime opening, endings or OSTs. Mazbe one day I decide to learn how to play guitar – my one and only attempt to enjoy music at its fullest – I have been playing wit that idea from time to time in the past but again I am too lazy to star anything new at this point.

11. Do you have any pets?

We have a dog bamed Ben he is 12 years old now ^^

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

I did swimming, soccer, netball and volleyball school during PE pnly which I kinda enjoyed. Indon’t play any particular sports or exercise

13. How tall are you?

Around 5’1 (156.5 cm) yes I am a smol bean too(>_<) – it is a still mystery to me how I could stop and did not grow at least that 0.5 cm

14. Favorite subject in school?

History, Art -bless my elemetary days the only days I had art classes in my life-, Literature and Social studies – and that mainly Psychology and Philosophy- if I did not decide I am not gonna listen to people problems as to avoid possibe depression-and trust me I was thinking about taking Psychology course a lot -even my dad told me I should- then I would. Also I loved talking about philosophers I think history gaves us a very inetresting ones but once again I did not see any point in talking Philosophy if I am not planning to become philospher myself ofc. I guess I only liked to learn about them – not to study and analyse them for the rest of my life.

15. Dream job?

My decision to take English language course was probably not the brightest idea but it was the only idea I had and could take at the time. I still have not freaking idea what to do with myself I am kind of still stuck at stalemate. The first step was to stalemate what I did not wanted to do, and I found I mostly crossed every option I considered – I have enough thought about acting as I used to do that as a kid and was quite good, but I have not further experience for more than 10 years. The one thing I always loved are books and I used to think I could live as a writer, but real-life situation is different isn’t it. Well, I have never thought about it much up until I discovered Japanese literature thanks to BSD and it I like a whole new world opened to me so now there is a tiny voice in my head telling me that that’s what I must do. I still have no idea what job I am gonna do once I have my degree but one thing is certain to me- one day I am gonna wake up from this slumber and write a book – not because I have to but because I want to.

If anyone should do this then: @pastel-sea-creature and @blackandwhitemusician Ily guys

[crypticarus]

yeah so because of recent events and all regarding sh/adam here comes this:

This is my last post on this topic.

Either way I tag them as #discourse from now on. I know I am personally very uncomfortable with discourse generally and this blog is dedicated to my art and I actually wanted to actively avoid any discourse. But this is a topic that hits closer to home I need to vent it out.

But mt opinion, long story short is: I pretty much despise Adam because he expected Shiro to choose Adam over his own happiness and so far hasnt done anything to redeem himself. Explanation under the cut.

So, as I mentioned in previous posts: fuck Adam. I'm not gonna dip any deeper into how I think Shiro deserves someone who will be able and happy to unconditionally support him and how I think that person is Keith and how much I love Sheith because of it. I'm not even gonna mention what Shiro deserves or Keith after this.

So, I watched episode 1 of the upcoming season and finally i feel better making a post about Adam now.

In the end, though, it didnt change anything on my previous opinion.

Adam's decision of not waiting for Shiro and leaving him because of the Kerberos mission and because he simply didnt have the mental energy to seeing someone he loves deeply suffer, is selfish but understandable. And there's nothing wrong in being selfish. Although even if obviously the stress people who have disabled beloved ones is nothing compared to what the disabled person has to go through, it doesnt change the fact that it's still stressful and everyone, whether disabled or not, has to decide for themselves what is best for their mental stability and health and if they want to put themselves through such stress or cant. Deciding that you cant doesnt make you evil. Wanting your loved ones to be safe and alive and well isn't wrong.

Still I cant go all "I love Adam!!!" and "he did nothing wrong!!" not because I'd be prioritizing Shiro anyway, but because of Adam's ultimatum and how Adam saw one option as the right and one as the wring one.

"Takashi, how important am I to you?". That's what Adam said. I dont remember how exactly Adam phrased it but after that he outright told Shiro that Shiro would have to choose between having Adam in his life or the Kerberos mission. Between someone who Shiro loved and wanted to be with for the rest of his life or a dream he obviously had devoted his whole life to, the dream of his life. Between Adam or winning the fight against his disability by not going down without a fight. Because we know that there was no hope for Shiro no matter how much he rests and all Shiro could do was decide what to do with his remaining time. (I have an idea of what Shiro's disease is, and if it is then I have some experience with it, which makes it all the more personal to me and makes me all the more angry at Adam and anyone who sides with him.)

And I know some people are okay with giving up their dreams or ambitions to be with their loved ones. Shiro obviously isnt that person though.

Shiro was disabled. Shiro knew it was a miracle he had come this far anyway despite his disease (Adam did say Shiro already broke all sorts of records) and he wanted to go further. He didnt want to stop already. To Shiro it probably felt like giving up to his illness if he had stopped. As a disabled person giving up to your illness is the ultimate defeat. Personally, I'd much rather die. Adam KNEW how much value the Kerberos mission had, that this is the last chance Shiro would get. Yes, it was a life-threatening mission, but Shiro would rather die than give up to his disability, or so it seems to me.

Think about what a miserable life that would be to Shiro. Think about how depressing that would be. Adam would rather see Shiro alive but miserable with no real chance of recovery than what? Dead? No, because no one would want Shiro as a pilot if they thought he wouldnt make it back alive enough and able enough to safely pilot them back. They wouldnt even have considered him, but obviously they did. So Adam would rather have Shiro in regret and miserable surrender for his last few years before the disability kicks in full than achieving his ambitions and being happy and proud. And all because of being selfish? All because ADAM didnt wanna be alone? I would get it if Adam's concern would be that Shiro wouldnt pilot them all back safely, but that obviously isnt Adam's real concern here if he starts iff1 with "Takashi how important am I to you?".

That's what rubs me so wrong with Adam, that's why I really hate him, to be honest. I'm not saying he's evil or a person you should hate and demonise. Adam is just human. But honestly? What does it tell me about you if you absolutely adore Adam after thats all we get from him and you think he did nothing wrong in wanting Shiro to give up his ambitions for him? What does it tell me about you that you'd want Shiro to come back to earth to Adam, who gave up on Shiro? That you'd want Shiro to regret leaving Adam, regret not giving up on himself? If you dont think Adam needs to apologise and redeem himself, if you think Shiro is in the one in the wrong-

If it weren't for the ultimatum, I wouldnt hate Adam. If Adam had just said he couldnt bear seeing Shiro suffer then I would let Adam go like that. If Adam had said he thought the mission is too risky and he couldnt bear waiting for Shiro to come back, I wouldnt judge Adam. If we meet Adam again and he apologises for his outburst to Shiro and means it, Adam redeems himself in my eyes. I still wont like him and I still dont think he's deserving of Shiro. I still wont want them to be together because I think if Adam didnt have the strength to be with Shiro with his disability until the end, then how can Adam be sure to be able to be with Shiro now that he's scarred (both literally and figuratively) from a galactic war Adam hadnt been there to experience and therefore couldnt ever truly comprehend the consequences of?

Adam isnt truly evil for what he said. Evil is a much stronger word I reserve for truly evil people. Because people say bad things under stress, say things they dont mean or regret, voice their thoughts in a wrong way all the time. Or sometimes they mean what they say but think better later, realise their mistakes and make things right. Stress does that to you. But owning up to it is what counts. Owning up to the consequences, owning up to people not liking you for that anymore or leaving you or outright avoiding you and despising you, that's what makes you a good person.

You can tell me all you want how Shiro should think about how his actions make other people feel. That he should have considered Adam's feelings and think twice about the Kerberos mission. Amd I hope he did. If not that was wrong of him too. But we all have to make our choices and decide when to be selfish or not. When to prioritise ourselves over other people. When you have to leave people for the sake of ourselves. Being selfish all the time is obviously not a good way to go, but leaving your life completely up to others and only living for other people's sake and be miserable for it isnt either. If you're going to live to make others happy then do it only if it actually does make you happy, too. Shiro wouldnt have been if he had. He knee that. Or maybe he would have been anyway, but neither decision would have been wrong of him.

Shiro risking his life to achieve his ambitions was part of his fight against his disability. It was part of not giving up. Adam couldnt respect that. He disrespected Shiro's struggles not by leaving Shiro but by forcing Shiro to choose between him, or winning that fight. Thats why I think Adam did something extremely wrong. I hate Adam because I hate people who prioritize themselves over people's recovery and happiness, expect people to, and then have the nerve to not even regret it.

In retrospect it wasnt really Adam giving an ultimatum to Shiro that was wrong. It was Adam expecting Shiro to choose him and get angry at Shiro for choosing his own happiness over Adam's.

Again, if Adam regrets it and owns up to, apologises, then I will hate him less. I will still dislike him, but I wont think he's a bad person. But so far that's not what we got and until we see that I wont think Adam did.

So miss me with all your pro-Adam and Sh/adam or A/dashi posts. Miss me with all the "voltron better end with a reunion and a wedding between them!". It makes me truly uncomfortable to see it. Im not bashin on the pairing either, you can ship whatever you like. I dont think people who like Adam or want him to get together with Shiro again are bad people because of that. I dont think people who understand and not dislike Adam because of his actions are either. I wont hate on people if they dont understand why this is my opinion or simply didnt take the step of spending all that much thought on the morality and seriousness of it. But man am I uncomfortable with people who take Adam's side.

[ryssbelle]

I struggle with tag games but I'm trying to be more active and this has been in my drafts for awhile so here we go.

I have way too many to list here so I'm going to put the ones that are currently active on my program and on docs.

This is from my art program the is to distinguish them from the og one as I cant have the raw file with the same name as the png file or it wont open:

Zeldaswapf

Rise prince7f

Black haired heroesf

Asman eclipsef

Solarmanpage17f

Royf

These are the ones from my docs, not much as I usually just do everything on my canvas lol:

Dtbs notes

Untitled document (its blank idk what I was doing with it)

Hyrule hop session summary

Branching timelines script

In retrospect at least these wip names are p boring compared to my others and everyone else's lol

I'm not really sure who to tag, I'll leave it open for anyone to reblog for now and when I think of some people I'll make an edit and add them :)

WIP Meme

Tagged by @sleazyjanet

RULES: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and I’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it! And then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

Run boy run

Julieta Tries To Conquer Mental Illness And Fails

A cautionary tale

Sick bby lilith

A series of chapters with Florence & the Machine Titles (Reaching In The Dark, She Told Me All Doors Were Open, And It Was Such A Mess, You Don’t Have To Let Me In)

Outside The Box

Franziska x reader

No Light, No Light

A lot of these are honestly just completely abandoned, destined to forever be WIP. A few VERY old ones here too.

@wifeofbean @mr-walkingrainbow @cantankerouscanuck @fallenflowersfromgrace @novelist-becca

besties I’m blanking on more people who i know are writers, haven’t been tagged in this already, and I’ve definitely interacted with before to feel ok tagging them, but feel free to do this if you see it and want to do it!!

[michaelamimi]

Tumblr and Fandoms are Like Tv

A argument against antis By Me I’m writing this as I am tired of Antis. I’m tired of them puling the “I’m a minor uwu” card out of their asses whenever someone calls them out on their bs.  I’m tired of them sending content creators, va’s, and artists hate, death threats, and doxxings. I’m just tired of dealing with self righteous, holier than thou, self entitled assholes who think the world revolves around them. So today Iam comparing Tumblr, as well as fandoms, to tv.  I see so many posts “Why would your parents leave you alone on the computer? Would they do that with you out in the street?” Well that comparison never realy fit. So it hit me that tumblr, fandoms, and the internet, was like TV.  You have channels dedicated to children and teens; ie nickelodeon, cartoon network, and disney. And you have channels dedicated to adults; ie HBO, Comedy Central. Adults even have porn channels like theres porn website! The argument I see a lot on tumblr is that “Children, or minors, might see this NSFW stuff”. Well my question is; “Where are their/your parents?”  Whenever a parent complains about a tv show they are often told “Just dont let your kids watch it” Well why cant the same be said about parents who let their children roam the internet like its their own personal playground? Why are children making email accounts to get onto websites like tumblr, which is 13 for browser and 17 for the app, and why arent their parents watching them? Tumblr is not a childs playground. Its not meant exclusively for minors, just like it is not exclusively for adults. They allow minors to be on this site because they have made areas, blockers, and blacklists for minors to use so they can experience tumblr. They have even made it that if you have made a tumblr with an email with your real birthdate than you cant access the adult stuff on tumblr. You dont sit your child in front of the tv unsupervised. You keep an eye on them, and if they go from disney to hbo you come in and tell the CHILD that they cant watch that channel. And then as the adult YOU put up the blockers.  No other adult, other than their teachers, doctors, police officers, and the adults who agree to watch children, are in charge of watching your child and giving up the things they like just because you dont like it your your child might see it.  Your the parent, your the one who decided to bring a child into this world. Nobody else agreed to that. Nobody else decided to take on the responsibility of taking care of your child. It seems cruel and wrong but thats how it is. I used to be a babysitter. I took on the job and responsibility to watch other peoples children. I got paid to watch peoples children for a few hours each day, so there for I, nobody else, was responsible for that child. if that kid got on their computer I made sure they werent on something they shouldn't be. I made sure that they were safe. When the parents got home and I got paid those kids were no longer under my care. I no longer had authority over them. What I do in my private home, as long as it hurts no one, shouldnt be other peoples buisness just because the thought of it squicks them out.  Antis, if you want to make it your job to “protect minors”(btw your doing a terrible job at it considering your sending hate and death threats to mainly minors) then thats you. No body else has to police themselves on what they post just because a minor might see it.  Yes, get onto the people who are endangering real children, callout the ones who arent tagging properly. But dont go after people who literallery arent harming anyone with their art, fanfictions, head cannons, and ships. Your faux activism doesnt help anyone. Sincerly a CSA victim/survivor who is tired of yalls shit.

[viridescent-lament]

someone paying an absurd amkunt of attention to my recent rbs may have noticed all the art i rbed is tagged with inspo and favorites. and that is because. i can look at so many things i love in all this art. and look at my art and realize i cant even begin to mimic that. i cant compare. 

im going to back up because theres a bit more i think. just a dump of things that have affected? my mood

a few days ago. i look at my face. i see bumps. i am very concerned (im supposed have a clear face because thats one of the few consistent compliments on my face thats the one measurable thing that i liked about it -)

i do a mask or two (a rare event, and a different maskni havent used before) it doesnt gok away. but while im looking. i realize i dont hate my face (at the time). i recognize several things that arent bad and some that are neutral. from this point on ive cokntinued to do an apricot scrub but those bumps remain (they were there befoe school but i suspect wearing a mask all day has worsened it.)

i work on an art piece for a few days. i am not happy wiuth it but it doesnt look bad.i post it before school.

now that im finihed with that piece i need something to do during school. i crochet. made a coaster in one bus ride to school, another between classwork, and most of one during a mostly free period, which was completed on the bus. (to be fair. its 5 rounds and described as quick to work up)

the first i give to my teacher before school. she is nice about it. notably, i offered it to a teacher i had last year first, who mentions she still has a doily i  gave to her last year, and she thinks of me when she sees it.

i gave the second to my art teacher. he is very nice about it, which is not unusual but always makes me :D

also during art. i work on a pinch pot and recieved positive feedback relating to it beijng a square and alsl me adding orbs to the corners. notably. i placed the pot on my friends desk and said something along the lines of 'i crave [feedback/attention]' (dont remember exact wording)

i try to finish the last coaster in last period to give to my teacher but fail. i do give it to my friend while we're in the bus and she has a very sweet reaction (involving gasping and compoiments and i noticed her staring at it for awhile after)

sometime after that on the bus ride i think about how nice positive feedback is and vaguely wish my friend from last year who always had an extreme good reaction to gifts and kind acts was still here.

the art has not had any feedback beyond the requester/my friend (who is the requester). thats not too bad but i dont rb it to main bcs i want to post the speedpaint first.

i start working on getting the speedpaint up. i need a song. i ask my sisters while we r outside about songs i can use. the twins are alsok planning 'celebration days' for mema. we end up singing and they stol and say my voice is good. a bit more singing and me being embarrassed and sinking to the floor with my hands covering my face at one point. i have been convinced to join them in singing a song for mema.

at this point i was excited. i am critical of my voice and have not sung much since third grade choir (i auditioned the next year but did not make it, which was discouraging for a small child).

next day. another apricot scrub to maybe get those bumps off. excited messing around with twins in morning. printing out pictures of myself at emmas request. and printing song lyrics. mema is mowing outside. i begin to practice. i doknt hate it. i stop and drink water. i try to memoripe lyrics, although i donot get ti the end. considering posting my singing on blog. twins go swimming. i take a small break. post speedpaint. 

twins come inside w kai. they are all in a bad mood. i try to start again, slightly nervous/embarrassed to sing in front of people. 'im a little pitchy' 'yeah you are' - kai. kais always like that but. emma also says its not good. notably emma is never like that. i dont really care cuz its obvious shes in a bad mood even without avas reassurance. 

ava convinces me tok play tea party. kai clinks spoon against ceramic cup and it hurts my ears. i tell her to stop and she does. kai tells me to go off my tablet. i cokntinue with the internal justification 'its overwhelming to focus on them only (not exact words)'. ear still hurts from cup clinking. small snarking between kai and i. twins and kais voice eventually becoming more and more irritating. i leave tea party.

later twins trying to get my attention and i answer aggressively and they say nevermind. internally i amthinkung that this isnt even overstimulation/bad noise (cant remember word for that) just me being annoyed at them for no reason. 

speedpaint has recieved no attention. i shoukdnt care but am slightly disappointed. i try going through open tabs to rrb things. all the art is amazing. i tag everything as inspo and favorites, because its all amazing. i keep noticing littke techniques that each piece does. two handle lineart color differnces better than i did on that request. one has a sketchiness to the lines that adds to it. one has beautiful flowers that i could never get. i think about improving. i dont know how. i cant figure out how to learn. and other self depreciation.

that self depreciation continues with my singing. i cant do it. im not good at singing. i cant memorize the words. etc. mema is out of the house and i try practicing again. i cant get myself to sing. i eventually tell twins i cant do it. 

throughout this. i try to listen to music. watch videos. something to blockbout the noise and get the right noise. nothing works. currently settled on a song that almost does it.

theres alot of internal emotion that i dont know how to describe. 

logically i know myart didnt get nktes bcs it was posted while my friends were offline. and art not getting notes is one thing thatas nkt even a major part of this. but.

i am disgusted by my face right now. i doknt know whats wrong with it. i dont know whats wrong with my body.

ive been thinking about cutting my hair. i like how it looks now. and have recieved a random compliment from somebody i dont know at school. who said i could really pull it off. but. i want to experiment. ill probably come back to this style. but i want to try some stuff.

[swampgallows]

took a nap. 

dreamed for the first time in a while. met a lot ofpeople in my dreams. “catie the clown from nickeoldeon’s spongebob squarepants”, she introduced herself, very mom-like, heavyset and nice to hug. a middle aged man was tagging along w her that we brought along making clumsy passes but she was flirting too. something like “guess what word i want you to wear?” (????) and she said “umm Z!” and he goes “nah you know that letter” and she was laughing. (????) met a dude in a mohawk pushing an empty wheelchair who went into a derelict looking building, we were playing and laughing in the alley, he asked us a question we couldnt answer then kind of mumbled to himself, “at least they have hair. im meeting a lot of good people here.” we heard a crash and popped in to see if he was okay, the apartment of the lobby was really cramped, dark, and seedy, but the middle-aged man in there followed us out and then that’s where i met him and ‘catie’. we left the building and turned around and saw two giraffes poking their heads out over the wall of what might have been the backyard? we smiled and waved at them, telling the mohawk guy (who i guess eventually came with us) to come over and look. he was shy but he finally did. there were other people at the wall who thought we were smiling and being silly toward them, then ducked their heads behind the wall. the giraffes kind of smiled at us, then stuck their black tongues out at the people who hid. we were all really nervous because apparently some kind of nuke had been launched or was talking of being launched, there was some sort of “nuclear notice” that had been pasted up everywhere. so we knew we were all going to die very soon but the friendliness i felt was genuine. there was just a tinge of melancholy, like “I wish this isnt what it took to bring people together”.

i havent been to my grandparents’ house in a long time. there is a space between the woodshop and the main house, backed up by the wall to the neighbor’s, that’s just a small empty patch of grass. next in my dream we had set up a big blanket fort there. i had made itmyself but my brother joined me later. i was trying to get reading done, or something. i felt very safe there, but also felt like i had made it so i could become safe. there was a part where i ws reading murals on wood panels, like they were giant advertisements made of canvas or something, but also were the walls of the fort. some detached voice , i dont recall everything now, was liek ‘we dont know yet beccause blizzard hasnt hired you yet’ and i rolled my eyes. the ceiling caved in due to some shitty little white puffy dog that jumped on top and i was pissed cuase i got trapped under all these blankets, but it reverted itself and xena was there. i saw her face and her eyes with great clarity and i could feel myself petting her. it was dark, like a nap, cozy, and warm, dimly lit from the waning light outside. i was with my dog in the blanket fort, eating oatmeal and scrambled eggs (in the same bowl, for some reason, and was told to put ketchup on the eggs, which i never do, and also did not go at all with the rest of the oatmeal. the eggs tasted like the oatmeal too, maple syrupy, and it was all a big mess. it was in a paper cup, like at an ice cream place, but it was warm and even though it wasnt very good all mixed together i could taste the individual flavors. so i was there with my dog in the blanket fort feeling safe.

that was my dream. the last time i had dreams this basic was back in 11th grade when my sleep disorder started really coming to a head and i wasnt getting much sleep at all, and then i wasnt eating either. i remember having a dream where i just sat down and calmly ate food and that was basically it. i just got to eat food and it tasted good. and i remember when we were reading about moments of prolonged high stress or trauma, how even the vocabulary of people’s dreams can become reduced, showing very direct basic images to fulfill waking needs, like it does with children. so it has things like a clean house, a safe place, a soft bed, eating candy or good food, etc. this dream just now was still pretty complex but compared to my other dreams it’s extremely basic. just wanting to be around friendly people, to get big warm hugs, to feel safe and secure, and petting my dog no less. didnt have to jump through many hoops of interpretation, as it were. i think everything is just surmounting now. the insane cramps, papou in the hospital, having to solve my medical, not having a job or knowing when i can get a new one or what i should do, just my life generally being a mess. im so fucking tired all the time i can barely even play video games. i played hots so much yesterday because i had to do something that wasnt focusing on the pain, and i had a stimpack so it gave me a ‘reason’ to. 

i was driving with my dad yesterday because we were going to get a rat to feed topaz. my mom “has been meaning to” do it for like a week, just like she was “meaning to” take me to see papou until he called up, barely able to speak, and said “get me out of here”. if he hadnt done that i wouldnt have seen him, nor, do i think, would they have gone the extra push to get him out of the hospital. shit just kept going wrong. id been meaning to write about this for a few days, since it happened. i had been wanting to see papou again since i got back from my trip, because i was leaving shortly before his surgery and i wanted to tell him about it and show him pics when i got back. when i walked into the room he looked so bright, and i immediately walked over and held his hand. a nurse was dealing with his IV or something and he said to her “This one is my favorite. She’s a genius.” i’m among five grandkids and my papou always brags about us but this is the first time i’ve heard him say i’m his favorite. or to specify a favorite at all. and especially because i’m the least accomplished of the other four grandkids. the three are in line to be lawyers, all within in my uncle’s (my papou’s son) firm. my sister is back on track to becoming a teacher, interning at our middle school and passing all the credential tests, or whatever it is. all i do is stupid cartoons and try not to fucking kill myself. i went to college basically at the behest of my family and i’ve only ever had one real job, which was retail. i volunteered at the arts center and stuff when i was a teenager but while i was in most of high school and in college i didnt do shit. i only ever left my dorm to go to class or raves. i barely fed myself. i was so fucking depressed and just meeting all the wrong people left and right. one time my mom told me, “you know, the only grandchild papou has a picture of in his wallet is you.” he talks SO much about “the grandkids”, how we have “more degrees than people”, for which he is very proud. i’m doing nothing but keeping my head above water—and barely that—but i walk in and he announces i’m his favorite, and a genius. 

before i left, he said to me, which he’s said to all of us before at one point or another—”you are my legacy”. my papou was an engineer and a war hero, jumping out of planes and getting purple hearts touring north africa during world war ii. how am i supposed to uphold that?

so, anyway, i was driving with my dad, or rather sitting in the car w my dad, he was driving. i told him i had been driving a little, “even though mom thinks i just sit in my room all day.” “yeah, and ‘i think’ all she does is sleep all day,” he says mockingly. i laughed. nervously. we get to our usual pet store and they dont have any large rats. topaz is 7 feet long. she needs the biggest rats we can find. technically she should be on bunnies but i cant stomach that, nor do we feel like hiring a handler (legally you have to. nobody sells ‘feed bunnies’.) so we call up some other places. we end up having to drive across town which takes an hour at 4pm, and i tell dad “well they might have more on monday, the guy said,” and dad said, “No, this is what we’re doing. because who knows what that guy knows. we could show up monday and there still aren’t any. so it’s a little more work, but i said i was going to get a rat today, and i’m going to do it. we’re not gonna rely on what that guy says. see, this is what you have to do; you have to take matters into your own hands. You follow through. This is what I always have to do; it’s my job. I follow through for people.”

i wish my dad was around more, just in general. he works so often that he’s basically inaccessible but we all rely on him for everything because he makes the money, which is why he’s never around. my mom works for him and, little harsh here, but is useless when it comes to executing tasks without any pressure (so guess where we all got it from). we talked about her for a little bit. essentially, my dad is the reason anything ever happens. my mom, nowadays, is the reason nothing happens. she pushes things away hoping they’ll just disappear, i guess. i see it a lot in myself and i hate it. i hate feeling as helpless as she does and i hate having to rely on someone helpless like her because my dad is always gone doing the ‘heavy lifting’ like making sure we can all be alive.

not to be fucking predictable but i want to be reliable. i want to follow through. like my dad.

any dad, really.

[noxiim]

(1/3)Okayyyy so i mightve sent a few asks abt this before but this topic is really now bugging me cuz i have depression and im sensitive to like everything. Im starting to take this "not getting notes on my art" thing really personally and i know it sounds childish (and i laugh at myself for it) but i cant help but get upset when i spend so much time and effort and get like no feedback. And i know people say not to draw what u love and not for attention but honestly i dont even know what

and i dont even know if im drawing what ilike sometimes. Yeah i love bts but i dont know if i like what im drawing or ifim just doing it for notes???? And i have a lot of anxiety too and thats wherei feel like im taking this too personally. Cuz im starting to think that my artdoesnt get notes cuz its straight up not good which leads me to think ishouldnt even try to pursue a career in art anymore. But im not good atanything else so wtf am i gonna do if i dont succeed in art???? Like i said i laugh at myself for thinking like this and iprobably sound like a fuckin child but i cant help it???? Like i think my artis decent???? But maybe its not???? Idk like this was really hitting me todaycuz i feel like im wasting so much time and im probably gonna be one of thosepoor college students cuz i decided to focus on art more rather than taking ajob cuz i thought i could make money off of my art but yknow clearly its notgoing so well and im scared for my future U dont have to give advice to all of that i just needed tolet that all out 

Aw dude don’t worry I get what you mean,I actually experienced something similar when I first started posting my art totumblr, and even recently when I first started posting bts fanart. It’sperfectly normal to want recognition (in this case in the form of notes) forsomething you worked so hard on!! I think one of the major issues with postingto such a big fandom such as bts though is that there’s so many peopleproducing content at any given time, that it’s incredibly easy to get drownedout. Especially since tumblr changed how search and track tagging worked, itmade it that much harder for people to get noticed for their content.

When I first switched to drawing for bts,I found it hard because I also focused a lot on my note count. For someone whowas originally well established in a previous fandom, the move to bts was quitea jarring experience. I had built my following on tf2 art, and used toconsistently get a couple hundred notes, but one of main reasons why I left wasbecause of the dwindling of note counts. When I first left, overwatch had justcome out and a lot of attention shifted towards that game away from tf2, andalthough I still love the game, the dramatic decrease in notes on my art fortf2 really made me sad and I ended up deciding to leave the fandom after 3years of drawing tf2 art. I hopped around a bit, before eventually getting intobts. Even then, my first few pieces (they’re not on my #bts fanart tag so mostpeople wouldn’t have ever seen them) either got no notes at all or only two orthree. It was easier for me to establish myself in a fandom such as tf2 back inthe day since it was such a small, tight knit community with limited contentcreators, but now with bts there are so many more people and it just seemedhopeless for a while and I lost motivation in my art. I stopped wanting todraw, since it felt like nobody cared. Art is the biggest hobby I have, solosing my confidence in my art was crushing.

Now you might be wondering how I got towhere I am today. I’ll be completely honest with you. For me, I highly doubt Iwould be anywhere near where I am if it weren’t for networks. I had neverjoined a network before, but decided to join armiesnet and jimin network one daywhen I saw that applications were open. I got accepted, and I joined theirrespective group chats too. I met lots of great people on those chats, and madea lot of new friends which was nice after having moved fandoms and lost touchwith many previous mutuals. I’m so glad I joined networks, because not only doyou have the chance to make mutuals who will support you and your art, thenetwork blog itself also reblogs all its members’ content which gives youexposure to members of the network through both the network tag and through thedashboard. It’s a perfect way to get started, rather than hoping that somebodywith a decent following will happen to stumble across your work in the tags oneday and reblog it.

That being said, unless you’re like somesort of godly human being I don’t think we can ever get over how note countsfeel as an artist. We need something to gauge people’s response to our art, andthat tends to default to note counts. I can assure you that the feeling of disappointmentwhen your post doesn’t get as many notes as you want/expected it to is a thingpretty much all artists on this site shares. People always say “you should drawfor yourself, not for other people” but that’s the equivalent of like say themona lisa being painted and then left to rot in Da Vinci’s closet or something.The whole point of art is sharing your ideas/love for something through yourdrawings with other people, and so it’s perfectly normal to want therecognition you deserve for working so hard and putting so much love into yourcraft. When it feels like you’re all alone, you have to remember not to giveup. Creating art in such a big fandom can be unforgiving, but just rememberthat your art is never the one at fault. It’s all about finding that littlegolden window of exposure, whether it be through one big blog or a couplesmaller blogs reblogging your work. Those kind few people will be what helpsyou grow, and you have to keep posting for that to happen. If you water a plantbut it doesn’t bloom the next day, abandoning it will get you nowhere. If youjust keep going, keep watering it, results will come. Keep reminding yourselfthat you’re doing well, and you can compare older art to your current art tosee the progress and keep you motivated. Don’t force yourself to draw if youaren’t feeling it – art is something that should make you happy. I used to drawbecause I felt the pressure to put out content, but that just resulted in mefalling into a negative spiral of art block, limited motivation and generalunhappiness with my art as a result. Remember that there’s no such thing as adeadline when it comes to posting art on tumblr – work at whatever pace suitsyou and if anybody tries to rush you, shut them down. You’re the artist, youget to choose what you do with your art, how you do it, and how long you spendon it.

If you truly have your sights set onbecoming an artist full time, then by all means go for it! I can’t give muchadvice in that area since I only plan on keeping art as a hobby, but justremember that art school is always optional. In the end, working as an artistis all about the portfolio, not where you graduated from. It’s more importantto work on your art than it is to get in to an amazing art school. Sure, artschools can be useful, but in the end they are simply tools, sort of like atutorial rather than something that will magically turn you into an amazing artistwith amazing job offers. At the end of the day, it’s all up to yourself to workhard and promote yourself. Since art is all about reaching different audienceswith your work, promoting yourself is essential, even if it’s just casualfanart on tumblr. Feedback can’t come without exposure, and exposure can’t comewithout self-promotion.

Lastly, remind yourself that there’s nosuch thing as ‘bad art’. That might sound like a stupid statement, but inreality art is a constantly changing thing. There is no pinnacle of perfection,no model artwork that represents the most perfect drawing out there. Everyonehas different styles, everyone has different approaches, and most importantly,everyone is still improving. I’m still learning and trying to improve my ownart, and there’s no shame in that. It’s easy to perceive someone else’s art asbetter than yours which would lead to some self-critical thoughts, but you haveto remember that the other artist is probably looking at their own art andpicking it apart, thinking “aw man there are so many mistakes here.” It’s fineto make mistakes, after all, that’s how we learn. Just because we see mistakesin our own art doesn’t mean that everyone else will too – nobody looks at artand their first thought is to list all of the mistakes present. As long as youare aware of what you are less confident in and actively work to improve it,you can quickly surpass even the people you look up to.

So yeah, sorry that this is hella longlol, but in all honestly I can understand what you’re going through. It’seasier said than done, but even though it might feel hard - don’t give up. Youmight feel like you’re not getting anywhere at the moment but I assure you thatif you just keep going, things will only get better. That’s the thing abouttumblr, if you keep posting art your audience can only grow. For now, I would definitelyrecommend joining some networks, and making some friends. It’s not uncommon forpeople to promo their own work in the network chat occasionally, as long as youdon’t spam haha

Anywho, I wish you the best of luck withyour art journey. If you need me you know where to find me 💕💕💕

[pensurfing]

Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish. 

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.” 

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client. 

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year: 

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.” 

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell? 

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled. 

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons 

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.) 

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives. 

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it. 

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE. 

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx