#but i cannot find it or confirm if that actually exists . if it does tho PLEASEE SEND IT TO ME 😭

[kof-xiii]

if someone has a whole masterpost or collection of everything about the orochi saga i am begging u to share it please PLEASEE

[what-the-axe-forgot]

Nothing gaslights me more than giving code review

I’ll literally see a problem with my own eyes, a digital tangible error. Something is undoubtedly there and it’s wrong. Fully quantifiable and sometimes fully understood and explainable.

It’s as real and exists as much as I am certain that it is and does. Schrödinger has got fuck all business here, there is no Shakespearean “to be or not to be”.

It’s there. Plain as day.

Until I submit my review and make my opinion known.

Then I don’t trust anything my memory recalls about said bug, must investigate, again.

I see it once more, it’s there I’m not mad. Start to lose trust with what my own fcking eyes are looking at. Okay let’s try to fix the problem… *fixes problem*

I now know the problem and a solution, it’s confirmed I cannot not trust myself now. I am god.

…

Just check it again, restart from scratch, does this lil bitch actually exist? Once and for all it will be known.

Hypothesis, suspicions and hunch all confirmed and I am right, do not challenge me or you will fail.

But does it tho???

In all cases so far, it has existed but that doesn’t stop the impostor syndrome.

> realise that through my adventure I have found and squashed a bug (old or new) but as a reviewer it is not my job to fix it per-se but to point it out to be fixed.

> which is a weird feeling hard to put to words but;

1. It’s like seeing the sink full of dirty dishes (the error)

2. Knowing they need cleaned (finding the error)

3. Realising that I only need one plate and one fork (a fix to prove this error exists)

4. So I clean only those (create a temp fix to prove)

5. Then go tell my partner that they need to clean all of the dishes themselves (person whose code I’m reviewing, telling them they need to fix it).

…

Over a month now and what a fucking ride it has been. With my base + additionals, I’m already doing better than I was with my previous trade which was, at its best, £40k p/y.

How one experiences life is mad; it’s well known “you can’t have good without the bad” or dark without the light. And as a teen etc you know it but you don’t have a lot of reference. As a mid-twenties adult I have a lot more and so it’s easier to understand, to truly understand what that feels like.

I know I’m not special or unique, my story has occurred countless times before I am not oblivious to that fact, in fact it gives me warmth somehow idk why but I’m in no way a pick me type.

It’s just a hard feeling/concept to put into words because I guess that feeling of looking back is never the same for two people, it has to be unique to the way they experienced life.

But that feeling even now to look back, consider the failures and successes, the love and the hate, the ups and the downs. Just absolutely batshit.

Having been dealing with heavy depression and anxiety for the past 3 years that’s my baseline point of reference now for “rock bottom”. That looking back feeling then, it made me want to not be here anymore. Vs now, it makes me think I’m capable of literally anything. Literally, anything.

As if there isn’t a challenge I’ve been faced with in life already that I haven’t already overcame.

As if there ain’t a thing I can’t do that I set my mind to

And that’s the real difference right there, between the wheat and the chaff, the boys and the men, the winners and losers. The doers and the achievers.

The belief. The ability. The drive.

Everyone has at least one, few have all three.

[f4xy]

helltaker headcanons (the sequel)

yes i’m back B) with more headcanons! especially after Vanripper released the examtaker arc (which is difficult, just like the name suggests), i have much more to theorize upon, and therefore more headcanons yay!Imma focus on the examtaker arc tho, bc i made like two posts before about the pre-examtaker arcs, go check those two out if you wish so, anyways here goes ~

Azazel (Loremaster) is the new ruler of hell, and now everyone does everything under her command, instead of Lucifer.

Every other demon that didn’t appear in Examtaker is basically not the Loremaster’s favorite puppet to play around with, and they react differently to Loremaster than Lucifer and Justice, who do appear in the arc. My headcanons tells me that they’re either hesitant with what the Loremaster orders and therefore they don’t wanna appear along with her, they’re exiled along with Beel due to misbehaving under her control, disappeared or they’re just simply not there.

Loremaster reveals that she still keeps her halo, however she couldn't find it anywhere around her. This is an interesting topic which I have four headcanons of.

One, which is that she’s basically unaware that she cannot have both demon horns and a halo at the same time.

Two, which is that she lied about having a halo, in which she actually is aware she cannot have a halo while already having horns.

If the case falls into 1′s point, this might apply to Lucifer and Judgement who were canonically former fallen angels.

Four, which is that she can basically wear a halo like an accessory, however she just couldn’t find it lol.  

Beelzebub may not be exiled anymore. The Loremaster could be unaware of her existence and just accidentally set her free from the abyss. This could also explain that’s why Lucifer really wants to regain her position as a queen again, and one of the reasons is to re-banish Beel into the abyss.

The Helltaker may have already been dead by the Examtaker arc. Vanripper did confirm that Examtaker is a lot into the future AU, which means the Helltaker may have already died, or is very old, since he cannot outlive any demons or angels. 

Subject 67 could be a mixture between the Skeleton Guards and the Helltaker’s body, jumbled into its existence. For what I have observe, the skeleton guards don’t really have any scenes where they can or are eating anything, but subject 67 is able to, which may have been from the human (helltaker’s body) part of him. I might be wrong, the skeleton guards may be able to eat as well, they’re just not eating onscreen maybe.

Speaking of which, there could be a lot of similar subjects (specifically 66 subjects) made by the Loremaster resembling Subject 67. These subjects are either were not onscreen, were failed experiments and died, or to replace the skeleton guards that Lucifer once had.

Loremaster may react the same way as her former self did to sinful activities. 

The Loremaster (Azazel) may have already taken down the three, Justice, Lucifer and Judgement, since these three have higher statuses on the hierarchy. However, I literally have no clue what she did to Judgement after defeating her, she may have hired a newer high procecutor that unfortunately we don’t know about,,

[ectora]

Review episode 312

It’s weird because I enjoyed the episode but most of my comments are actually criticism so bare with me 😂

Overall it was a nice episode to watch. The acting was on point especially for Sarah and Poppy imo they carried this episode but also probably cause they’re the one with the most compelling stories on this one. The episode kinda felt like a filler but honestly that’s because the show is focusing too much on the allergy and we know that’s not gonna be fixed til the end so as long as they make that the main story of the sisters, most episodes are gonna feel like fillers when it comes to them. Macy and Maggie had their own little adventure with a ghost which was funny (again kudo to Sarah), Harry and Mel went on a quest for a soul tho we still have no clue what it actually meant and Abigael was going through her own little traumatic hell in the tomb (Poppy really has been particularly slaying this storyline acting wise ).

Screen time

Abigael: 6m11s

Macy: 17m24s

Mel: 11m15s

Maggie: 18m24s

Harry: 11m03s

What I liked

Maggie still got the internship and I’m glad back she deserved it. I really don’t dislike Antonio but I’m also glad they kinda made it clear she wasn’t interested and that she finally made progress with her feelings for Jordan.

Abigael. I liked it because it gave us more insight on Abigael’s past (tho I still think they should have given us this earlier). I always theorised that from her childhood, she was obviously scared from the fact her mom never really accepted her demon side which created her deep feeling of rejection and how she was never accepted and never belonged. But I also thought she had some kind of loving family. Like to me these two things were not necessarily contradictory. Well apparently not. Her mom straight out abused her during her childhood. Which definitely explain why she choose the demon side like that. Both her parents were terrible to them but as she said in the past, at least she can understand demon a little but. She can rationalise it base on their nature. When it came from her mom however, it came fully from a place of dislike which must have been very harmful on a child. So obviously when I say I like it I don’t mean I like what her mom did to her, but I really like the insight and explanation. And again, Poppy did an amazing job. She made Abigael feel so vulnerable and scared, and confirmed that, ultimately what Abigael always wanted was acceptance. Which she first needs to give to herself.

Marisol and Macy sharing a scene. I have my issues with how it went which I’ll come to later. But I’m glad it existed and Mads really showed great emotions.

That was a short list because if I did enjoy the episode and there was some highlights I’ll talk about later, I also can’t really pintpoint things I loved.

What I disliked

Harry’s story. I just really don’t like how they make it all about the relationship when it could be so much deeper than that. I also am not sure I like the length to which he’s ready to go for it. Like the entire soul donation is a bit weird to me.

Marisol and Macy. Listen that one made me angry. Maybe it wouldn’t have if Macy actually had other stuff going on than her relationship with Harry but with the way the show has been writing her mostly around her relationship with Harry, it really didn’t come across well to me. The fact we had for the first time a in present tense scene between Macy and Marisol and all they talked about a man has me fuming. Maybe if they had had a longer time to talk. But they had like two minutes and most of it was about men.

The sisters. I don’t like the fact Mel wasn’t there when they were going to connect with their mom. I feel like that should have been a story kept for all three of them. I’m also annoyed that they once again refused to give us some Mel and Macy. I would have liked to see them a bit. Once again that sisterly bond feels like it’s non existent.

Melby. I cannot believe anyone would actually look at them and think yes that’s good. The treatment is absolutely terrible. The buildup was bad - because it was supposed to last - and the fact it’s all off screen is absolutely terrible. Ruby has been in three episode this season. One of them she didn’t actually share a scene with Ruby. The second episode they were full of drama and jealousy and they were so easily breaking up. And suddenly we jump to the I love yous. And were supposed to find that cute ? Like what are we supposed to think they love about each other? The constant breaking ups ? Cause that’s the most consistent thing about them. It kinda feels cheap in the way it’s done ngl.

What doesn’t make sense

Why was Jordan in the description ? I feel they’re kinda trying to avoid putting Abi’s name in the summaries (or at least it feels like it) but like .... Jordan had not reason to even be talked about. He didn’t appear once. It should have been Abi’s name in there.

The pills falling from the pocket Like ... Harry you had literally one job. How exactly did they fall ??

Why did they seem lost until their realised Jordy was a descendant and they could use his soul. Did I miss something saying it needed to be a male descendant ? Cause like ... Gil (Jil ? Idk) was literally right there. (Nevermind apparently I missed them saying « male descendent » my bad dkdjd

How did abi know she was in the tomb. Like I know my girl is smart but like ... she has basically no contact with the sisters at this point so how on earth did she learn how the tomb works and what happens inside ??

Highlights

The hammer. Listen, don’t ask me why but this picture of abi has been sending me for weeks now and I’ve been wondering the context since I’ve seen it. Like it gives me the biggest dumb bitch energy ever. The fact that abi is a very smart person and just thought a hammer would get her out of the tomb just has me laughing like it’s just too funny to me 😭

“The British hot lady” Swan I understand You

The way Maggie calls for Abi and gets into her apartment. I don’t know why I just love it.

Macy trying to lie to Antonio. Macy’s face when she lies is always a delight.

No but do any of these older generations know what not having an affair even mean? But I mean like father like son I guess.

« Who footnotes a spell » Macy’s face was so funny 😭 she was so done with it.

Theories

Not gonna lie. I’m a bit scare about next episode. I think it might be really interesting but also I’m very scare of the execution especially when it comes to Abigael and Macy. I do believe Macy has valid to distrust Abigael. However the show has been terrible at portraying those. And ultimately, especially lately, the sisters and Abigael have barely crossed paths. They’re barely in each other’s lives. All the do is coexist in the same city and interact when demons are involved which isn’t really the case. So right now all abi is doing is keeping the demons in lines. So I’m scared that Macy’s rightful dislike and distrust is almost gonna come across as pettiness or jealousy. But I also think that there is a difference between not trusting Abigael and say she deserves to be in the tomb. Cause at the end of the day past episode 4 what has she really done so terrible that deserves eternal suffering/delusion or whatever the tomb actually does. She’s manipulative and self serving sure but she also helps more than anything. The sisters have actually nothing to win have having Abigael stuck in there. And more to lose.

One theory is that the perfecti are trying to isolate the sisters. Putting abi and Jordan in the tomb is separating them from their allies and helping Harry to lose his powers is taking their guidance/healer away from them.

Another is just that really just have a very strict black and white vision and Abigael being a demon and Jordan helping them makes them automatically in the black category. Which the title seems to be referring to so it’s probably this.

I think the upcoming episode might be a way to introduce the whole controversy around Macy’s demon powers. And slowly bringing up the story of Abigael giving them back to her.

I think it also might be a way to actually have the show approach the wrongs Abigael did in the show. But also the rights. After all, it seems like they’ll need to prove she doesn’t deserve to be in it. Which I personally don’t think she does. Though she definitely did wrong things in her life. So I think they might actually use this as an occasion to have the sisters talk about what she did do that was wrong. And hopefully also highlight that she did help them on multiple occasions.

With the “previously in charmed” it makes it feel like they’re still going with Maggie not knowing Jordan can actually touch her and this doesn’t stop confusing me. But I can see the show have them hug once he’s out of the tomb and then kinda admit their feelings finally and Jordan say something in the lines that he kept it from her because he didn’t want to put pressure on her or that him being able to touch her didn’t change the fact she wanted to focus on herself or something on those lines.

One thing I want to talk about is Abigael. Please don’t read this paragraph if you haven’t heard about the rumours going around. //// The fact is, there is a very strong change Poppy is leaving the show. And the way they made this episode made it very clear Abigael was abused as a child. But that she is also absolutely craving love and acceptance. And that she does love her mom and always wanted her love. I’m very scared that if they make Abigael leave (better than die) they’d make her go back to her sister and family and try to fix their relationship. Which would absolutely be terrible message to give as we literally know now that she was abused. And making a character go back to their abusers because of the trauma it caused (her fear of rejection and inability to actually accept herself) would just be disgusting. But I’m scared that’s the road they’re gonna take.

[prettyboykatsuki]

hi! i just saw ur tier post and i’d love to hear more abt why you feel like gege doesn’t care about his characters/gen /nm. i genuinely love jjk so much, but this current arc (after shibuya) is kinda… idk. i’m not loving it but maybe that’s cus i’m not understanding it, however i don’t feel as “harshly” towards it as u do. it’s very interesting to see ur opinion though, i love discussing things like this.

as for bnha… i am very close to dropping it entirely. i’m anime only, so i cannot judge what’s going on in the manga, but how i don’t like how it’s currently going at all. the pacing is fucking awful. the entirety of s5 feels like a filler to me, i haven’t made it past ep9 bc it’s just so boring to me. i feel like for the last two seasons (so szn 4 and 5) nothing has REALLY happened. and ik that’s not true bc of all the stuff that happened with eri and overhaul, but it feels like nothing’s happened. and it saddens me because i grew really attached to the characters but i’m not sure i can continue the anime if it continues like this.

im gonna put this under a cut! please remember that these r my opinions and im not looking for a debate! we are just vibing here

it's pretty much confirmed that gege doesn't care about his characters cause he seems to hate so many of them. my biggest issue and why i feel this way / what confirmed this for me was personally naoya's death. i think after shibuya arc - watching shit hit the fan and seeing things progressively become worse was a pretty natural next step in the story

but the further we go into it, the more it feels like the story loses direction. it's tragedy for the sake of tragedy. it's hard for me to attach meaning to characters and their deaths when we really don't get a chance to garner feelings for their story in a way i feel is necessary.

i think the jjk story is heavily centered on despair - but to execute that, you have to display hope. despair exists in the absence of hope but if there's no hope at all than it's travesty for travesty sake

naoya is an asshole but the way he died was so... lackluster. his final moments were so pathetic and in my opinion uninteresting and i think that's a real shame because if he had a little more time, and wreaked a little more havoc - it could've been so cool. it didn't feel fleshed out to me and i think that's my issue with the story as a whole ig. a lot of the things i feel could be fleshed out really aren't

I DO LOVE JJK THO!! i love the characters and the concept and a good bit of the story, i just think more could be done yk

also with bnha - i don't particularly mind the slow pacing and i completely understand it being boring. a lot of people i know irl who are anime only have dropped it and i don't blame them!

if im not mistaken - this entire season will feel pretty empty up until the last few episodes if the anime tightly follows the manga. i wont tell you to watch though since i completely understand if you find it boring LMAO

in terms of shounen, the mha pacing is definitely not for anyone who enjoys more action heavy stories / plot heavy stories. i do think the story being so... boring right now though is 10000% on purpose because shit hits the fan very, very quickly.

i don't want to spoil anything for you since you are not reading the manga but i promise you things will not stay boring if you're curious. i think hks intent with the first few arcs was to demonstrate how uninteresting and calm things are before... shit happens!

shit will happen though and when it does, it's gonna be insane so it won't stay like this forever. in that case, it might not be worth dropping

given how the manga is im actually really grateful for how uneventful this season is genuinely. i almost wish things could continue like this forever

[inadaydream99]

Could I get an enemies to lovers fake dating thing with beomgyu from TXT? You don’t have to write it tho if you don’t want to 💜

Hi, thank you for this request! This is an interesting idea and I probably wouldn’t have thought of writing anything like this so I really hope you enjoy! Also, I didn’t realise how much I had written until after but I still couldn’t help adding a bonus at the end 😂

———————————————————————

Choi Beomgyu.

The very bane of your existence.

He is the sole reason you dread visiting your friends, knowing fully well that he is always tagging along with them wherever they go, or interrupting your hang out sessions together. And it annoys you to no end.

From the very second you met there was an air of tension, scours and snarky remarks thrown at each other like you had some unfinished business from a previous existence.

You’re not even sure why you hate each other, but it’s been going on for too long now to stop and question why. There’s been enough arguments and spiteful actions between you both to use as reason for your hatred now anyway.

One problem is though, the lines between love and hate are extremely close. Both emotions causing a burning within you and a fluttering sensation in your stomach whenever the other is seen vulnerable. Even the fierceness behind your glares could be mistaken for desire, a scorching passion that cannot be expressed through words alone.

And that’s exactly the situation you find yourself in now.

An unspoken match is playing out across the living room, your eyes sending pure hatred in Beomgyu’s direction as he menacingly smirks back at you, the last piece of chocolate dancing between his fingers before tauntingly being placed on his tongue.

“Oh I’m sorry (Y/N), did you want the last piece?” His voice drips in sarcasm, nimble fingers pulling the single square of chocolate out of his mouth with an irritating, drawn out sucking sound.

“You know Soobin saved that for me.” You all but growl back.

From an outsiders perspective this situation looks petty; it’s simply a piece of chocolate. So insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But to you it signifies far more than that. It’s a challenge to your patience, a teasing from Beomgyu as he takes what is yours.

“If you want it, come and get it.” His grin is tantalising and you want nothing more than to pace over to him and smack him around the face. But you don’t. You simply stand up and leave the room, keeping your composure until you safely enter Soobin’s room.

“What’s going on?” He twists in his chair to face you, an adorabley confused expression on his face. He’s the main reason you still put up with Beomgyu.

Soobin is your bestest friend, so caring and kind natured you know for sure you wouldn’t be able to survive without him in your life.

“Beomgyu.” You grimace, face scrunching up in distaste. “He ate the chocolate you left me.” You continue.

At this Soobin stands up, his body towering over yours as he gently pulls you into a warm hug. His scent alone clams you instantly, forgetting all your worries and fully indulging in the moment.

“I can go buy you some more if you want?” He questions softly. You tilt your head up so you can look at him properly, a warm smile on your face.

“It’s ok, I’m not that upset about the chocolate really, just Beomgyu.” You exhale a little more than you expect, letting out all the tension you have.

~

“Have you found a date yet for the company party next week?” Taehyun strikes up casual conversation with Beomgyu as he enters the kitchen.

“Not yet, I’m a bit stuck actually...” he sighs running a hand through his hair.

“Why don’t you ask (Y/N)? I know you want to.” Taehyun passes off the question as thought it’s nothing, Beomgyu’s eyes growing wide in shock at the youngers statement.

“Why on Earth would I ask (Y/N), she’s the last person I would ever ever ever want to date!” Beomgyu responds quickly, panic evident in his tone as he shakes his head in disagreement to emphasise his statement.

“Besides, she’s probably going with Soobin.” He mumbles the last bit to himself, posture slumping a little at the thought.

Beomgyu doesn’t realise that Taehyun takes notice of this, chuckling in amusement under his breath at how in denial his friend really is.

“Actually I already have a date.” Beomgyu’s head sharply turns to land on Soobin, his hands awkwardly in his pockets as he strides into the room further.

“You what! But what about (Y/N)?” Concern covers Beomgyu’s features before he realises, quickly falling quiet as he retracts on his exclamation.

“I was hoping you could help me out?” Beomgyu doesn’t miss the pleading look Soobin sends him, instantly feeling shy and trying to conceal the pleased smile that wants to break out on his face at knowing he is your only option if you want to go with a date.

~

You mind your own business, scrolling through your phone absentmindedly. After hanging out with Soobin for a while you decided to go home, needing to have some space to think.

You are aware of Soobin taking someone else as his date to the company party next week, actually feeling delighted for him. You are quite happy to go on your own, knowing that you will be hanging out with the guys anyway. But it does make you wish you had a date to go with.

“Coming.” You shout, racing to the door after hearing someone knock. Though your face falls upon swinging it open to find Beomgyu. “Oh. What do you want?” Your tone becomes flat, arms folded across your chest and impatience growing strong.

“I heard about your lack of a date for next week, thought I’d do you a favour and say you could be mine.” He bitterly states.

You don’t offer for him to enter your apartment, but he follows when you walk away without giving him a responce.

“Oh how lucky am I! You’re so generous Beomgyu.” Your overjoyed sarcasm almost makes Beomgyu laugh, but he represses it as soon as you turn around to face him once again.

“I’d rather not thank you.” You sass, eyes burning holes into each other in a stare down.

“Look.” Beomgyu sighs. “ I don’t have anyone to go with and I know you don’t either, so why don’t we just go together. It’s not even a real date anyway, no feelings involved what so ever.” He explains, his tone completely calm and serious.

You don’t know what to retort with, mulling over his words and actually agreeing with him.

“Fine.” You sulkily mumble, rolling your eyes in agitation.

“Great. See you later cutie.” Beomgyu let’s a sweet smile form on his face, the pet name falling from his lips dauntingly slowly before winking at you and leaving.

You stand in place for a moment, taking in everything that has just happened, only breaking out of your momentary daze by the door slamming shut.

~

“How do I look?” You spin around to face Soobin, giggling when you take in his awestruck expression.

It’s the day of the company party and you had gone to the guys dorms to get ready with them. Choosing to hide out in Soobin’s room instead of using the bathroom to get ready you overtook his desk with your makeup and numerous outfit choices instantly.

“Beomgyu is one lucky guy.” Soobin let’s his thoughts slip, mouth slightly agape. It’s the very same expression he pulls when you go to the bakery together and he gazes at all the cakes and pastries on display.

Since the day Beomgyu ever so kindly told you to be his date you hadn’t really encountered him. The only time you had partaken in conversation together being when Yeonjun payed you a visit to pick up his hat that he’d left around yours previously. Beomgyu tagged along and you found yourself awkwardly trying to fill the silence while Yeonjun went about finding his possession.

“That’s not even funny.” You deadpan, your heart sinking a little at the thought of an awkward night with Beomgyu. You weren’t entirely sure how he was planning to act around you. Was he gonna pester you all night in an attempt to make your evening unenjoyable, or was he planning on trying to get on for the sake of his image in front of everyone?

“Are you guys ready to go?” Speak of the devil and he appears. Beomgyu’s head peaks around the door frame, his eyes instantly connecting with yours.

“Woah, you tidy up better than I expected you to.” Beomgyu smirks at you devilishly, his voice laced with sarcasm. So he’s continuing as normal then.

You catch Soobin sighing and gently shaking his head dissapointedly from the corner of your eye. You want nothing more than to tear Beomgyu limb from limb in this moment, his sarcastic retort to your appearance making your blood boil. But you hold it together and plaster a smile on your face.

“We’re ready.” You respond, holding your head high as you grab your bag and follow the guys out of the dorms.

~

“This is insane.” You smile fondly as you hear HueningKai utter in amazement.

The party really is incredible, above and beyond what you expected it to be and it seems everyone is in agreement.

Your moment in awe suddenly comes crashing down when you feel a hand slip into yours, fingers interlacing with one another instinctively. You turn to find Beomgyu stood next to you, already looking at you expectantly. It’s as if he thought you would have some resistance to holding his hand and he is waiting for you to make a comment. But you don’t want to give him what he wants, so you simply send him a smile and pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening between you, despite the tingling sensation that runs up your arm, skin set on fire just from the simple action.

“Come on cutie, I haven’t got all day. Let’s go find the others.” Sarcastic as ever Beomgyu teasingly repeats the pet name from the other day, watching with a satisfied smile as you cringe. You hadn’t realised the others had all walked off with their dates, too caught up in a daze.

Jolted slightly from Beomgyu, you stumble after him a little clumsily. You know it was intentional on his part, the sly smile on his face confirming your suspicion when he looks over his shoulder at you.

“Whoops.” He comments cheekily, your scour towards him only filling him with more joy.

~

“I think I’m gonna head home...” you mumble, tears pricking your eyes as you desperately try to refrain from crying in front of everyone.

“What... why?” Soobin raises his head in shock as he sympathetically looks at your defeated expression.

You feel pathetic for your reasons why, but you can’t stand another agonising minute of dealing with Beomgyu. All night he had made sure to be by your side so he could annoy you to no end. It was his entertainment for the evening which was enhanced when you argued back.

“I’ve just had enough, I never should have agreed to be Beomgyu’s date...” your voice becomes wobbly and you watch with slight caution as Soobin’s face hardens in anger.

You always feel a little frightened when Soobin gets angry because it rarely happens. You watch wordlessly as he excuses himself and marches over to Beomgyu. From a distance it looks like they are bickering, Soobin scolding the younger before making his way back over to where you are stood with his date.

“Are you sure you want to leave?” He calms down as soon as his eyes land on you. You nod in response before Soobin informs his date that he is going to drop you back home and leads you out of the party.

Beomgyu watches from afar. He would never admit this out loud but he does feel kind of bad for pestering you all evening. But it’s what happens when he is around you, he gets scared of the feelings that arise and is horrible to you as a defence mechanism.

“Go and confess how you feel already.” He jumps slightly at not realising Taehyun and Yeonjun are beside him. And he knows that they are right, it’s time to face his feelings head on.

~

“Soobin I said I am fine-” you fall speechless mid sentence after answering your door to who you assume is Soobin, but find Beomgyu instead.

It’s not been long since you got home. Soobin was reluctant to leave you on your own but you insisted that he got back to his date. After all, just because your evening was ruined doesn’t mean his should be too.

“Can we talk?” He looks timid. It’s actually the most vulnerable you’ve ever seen him.

Debating briefly whether you should let him in or not you huff a little before opening the door wider to signify your agreement.

“I have a few things I need to get off my chest, so I’m just gonna say them all at once and then whatever happens after is completely up to you.” He speaks reluctantly, his whole aura reminding you of a defensive child.

“Ok, go ahead.” You nod, watching him warily.

“First of all, I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you. Not just for today, but from the very moment we met...” Beomgyu sincerely apologies, pausing momentarily to look at you.

“I’m not actually a horrible person, I just get scared of how I feel whenever you are around. It’s like you light up the whole room with just your smile and the feelings that overcome me are frightening... feelings I never knew someone could make me feel until I met you.” The room falls deathly silent as Beomgyu finishes his confession, air thick with nervousness.

This was the last thing you ever expected to happen. Not once did you think Beomgyu could ever feel that way towards you, and yet he does.

He sits with an awaiting expression, eyes wide and hands nervously fidgeting together as he is left in the dark as to how you feel.

“So you’re telling me that the reason you go out of your way to annoy me is because you have feelings for me?” You question, still not quite believing the situation you find yourself in. “Right.” You mutter to yourself when Beomgyu nods his head.

“I get if I’ve ruined any chance with you, but just know that from now on I have no intention to continue as we were before.” He practically pleads at you, reaching over to take your hand in his. You observe how delicately he holds it, so much affection shown just through that small action.

The tingling sensation from earlier runs through your arm again, a flustered feeling washing over you just the same as when he first held your hand at the party.

“You know I’ve always had a thing for bad boys.” You smirk, looking up at Beomgyu through your lashes. The smile that appears on his face tells you he understands what you mean and you can’t help but giggle when he scoots himself closer to you.

“And I’ve always had a thing for you.” He whispers dangerously close to your ear, goosebumps arising on your skin in the wake of his hot breath.

~ Bonus ~

“I liked it far more when you hated each other.” Taehyun complains, eyeing you in disgust as Beomgyu shamelessly presses kisses down your neck.

“Well that’s too bad.” Beomgyu sasses back, sending a warning glare over to the younger before resuming his affection.

“I need to go, I promised Soobin I’d go to the bakery with him... but I’ll see you later?” You move out of Beomgyu’s hold, his hands still clinging onto yours as he looks up at you with puppy eyes.

“I love you idiot.” You giggle when he refuses to let you go, leaning down to press a quick kiss to his lips.

“I love you more cutie.” He responds, a cheeky grin on his face as he watches you leave.

“Soobin let’s go!” He chuckles when he hears you shout to Soobin. You really have captured Beomgyu’s heart, but he’s not scared anymore.

[fishoutofcamelot]

I saw your r recent contribution to the post about hard vs soft magic systems and I agree wholeheartedly. You also mentioned having a bunch of worldbuilding and stuff about the magic system, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to share some?

(For reference, this is the post in question)

Certainly! While the worldbuilding/magicbuilding hellscape i was describing in the notes is actually in regards to an original-content wip I've been working on, i also have a LOT of headcanons regarding the BBCM magic system too! (Do not ask about my wip's magic system, because i won't be able to shut up about it)

WARNING: long post ahead and mobile won't let me include a cutoff/read-more line. If you're not interested, get ready to scroll down like your life depends on it (and it does).

So! First things first. Here's what we know about the BBCM magic system:

Magic requires spells, most of the time. This seems like a no-brainer, but still an important distinction. There are a lot of magic systems that don't require vocalized spells - Avatar: the Last Airbender, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Ninjago, to name a few. Spells are rather common for wizard/witch/medieval fantasies, and are typically used to control and channel the intent of the magic. This suggests that the magic of BBCM is some kind of force or energy that needs spoken commands to control.

Spells are repurposed words from Old English, aka the language of the Old Religion. (Let's ignore the obvious anachronistic nightmare of the fact that Old English is exactly the same language they would've been speaking in this time period.)

The use of a spell causes someone's eyes to flare gold, plus that fancy wooshing sound effect that Arthur miraculously never hears. This suggests that magic somehow changes your physiology, although it could be also just be a side effect of channeling.

However, magic doesn't always require a spell. Though never fully explained, it appears to be something only innate magic users are capable of - Merlin, Morgana, Mordred. It is something less controllable than spellwork, typically governed by moments of strong emotion rather than logical intent.

The show consistently flip-flops between the idea that magic is something you're born with, and that Merlin is rare for being born with magic. It's never clarified just how someone acquires magic. Gaius asks Merlin where he studied, suggesting that it's something you can learn, while Balinor claims that you either have it or you don't. Though not confirmed fact, i suspect it's similar to how it works in the show Supernatural. There, some witches are natural-born, while others are taught (and some get their powers from spooky demon deals).

It has a life-for-a-life policy. Basically like the Law of Equivalent Exchange from Fullmetal Alchemist, a life cannot be created without another one being sacrificed first. This rule only canonically applies to creating life/the Cup of Life, and any other possible applications aren't addressed.

This rule apparently doesn't apply to animals, as Merlin brought a dog statue to life without killing anyone (that we know of), and Valiant's shield had three live snakes in it. However, it's possible that lives were taken as payment in the process of animation without Merlin's knowledge, but it never happens on screen so we don't know. So either a) animals don't have souls to exchange in the life-for-a-life policy, b) they do but it happens off-screen, or c) those animated animals aren't actually alive.

The Cup of Life infuriates me from a magicbuilding perspective. Ignoring the obvious question of how it came into the druids' possession, its existence isn't clearly defined. Does it require the fancy rain ritual that Nimueh gave it, or was she just extra? Why does drinking from it give you life, while bleeding into it makes you undead and also mindlessly obedient to the sorcerer who made you as such? Were there life-for-a-life consequences for creating an immortal army? Wtf happened on the Isle of the Blessed to allow Merlin to "master life and death", and what does that even mean? All valid questions that never get answered.

Spells sometimes need need a 'source'. Think the staff from "The Tears of Uther Pendragon" and Morgana from "The Fires of Idirsholas." It is unclear what makes these spells different/special.

There is a power hierarchy. Some spells are too powerful for some practitioners to cast, although the reason for this is unclear. Does it drain you of energy/life force? Do you exhaust/overwork your magic muscles? Do you get a little pop-up that says 404 Magic Not Found? Unclear.

Magic is something that can be trained and improved. For example, Morgana gradually became more powerful over time. Merlin naturally had a lot of power straight off the jump and just had to discipline it, but he's a ~special~ case so he doesn't count.

There are some subsets of magic that are definitively born traits. Morgana is a Seer, possessing this capability even before her magic manifested. Likewise, Merlin is a dragonlord, which he inherited from Balinor. Although Balinor did mention that it wasn't a sure thing he would have the ability until he faced a dragon, so there may be some variation in whether or not someone lucks out in the Magic Gene Pool. This may suggest that natural-born magic is hereditary, as both Morgana and her sister Morgause had it. Vivienne and Gorlois both probably didn't have it, otherwise you'd hear Uther bellyaching about it, which raises the question of where they got it? A grandparent, perhaps? Maybe they both carried a recessive magic gene or something...

Unless you're Merlin, magic can be taken away by the Gean Canagh. It's not explained how this is possible, though, as it's never explained how you acquire magic in the first place. But Merlin never lost his magic because he's "magic itself" which if you ask me is just a deus ex machina wrapped inside a headache wrapped inside a heaping load of chosen one bullcrap. But it's canonical lore, so we have to consider it.

Despite my previous complaints, i actually find the idea of Merlin being "magic itself" rather intriguing. Is he a creature of magic, like a dragon or a questing beast? Is his body made of magic, like how a statue might be made of clay? Does it run through his veins like blood? If this is the case, then why didn't he suffer more severe ramifications for losing his magic? Why didn't it kill him? How did it restrict his magic in the first place? Placebo effect? The fanon explanation is that he's "the living embodiment of magic" but that makes my bullcrap richter scale shoot off the charts because that makes NO sense whatsoever. "Son of the earth, sea, and sky?" What does that MEAN?

There is a vivid link between magic and the Old Religion, which has its own beliefs and rituals and deities. Primarily, the Triple Goddess. The Triple Goddess is actually an existing deity in Neopaganism and Wicca. This also suggests the existence of the Horned God, another entity from neopagan lore and her masculine consort/counterpart, but that is never confirmed.

WHO. OR. WHAT. IS. THE. FREAKING. DOCHRAID. She's described as a creature of magic, which suggests that humans/humanoids can be creatures of magic, fueling my theory that 'Emrys' isn't human.

Destiny exists. It is unclear who creates/writes destiny, who controls it, who or what is privy to knowing about it, and what that means for the concept of free will.

The crystal cave is a thing, i guess. It's the heart of magic, is haunted by Taliesin, and is filled with prophetic crystals. I actually skipped the episodes that involve this stuff because i disliked them, so i don't know much about the Crystal Cave. Apparently ghosts can manifest there tho???

The veil is a thing too. It is unclear how some spirits can retain their human figure and mentality, like Balinor and Uther, but others become dorocha. I imagine its also like Supernatural - being a ghost for long enough will drive you insane, and though it takes a while all spirits eventually turn into dorocha.

Creatures of magic exist. These are normal creatures who have magic imbued into them somehow.

Okay, i think that's everything we know. It seems like a lot, but keep in mind that all of those rules are VERY nebulous. But that at least gives us a jumping-off point!

So here's my working theory/headcanon.

Magic comes from a connection to the spiritual energies of the Triple Goddess. Kinda like a third eye, and for the sake of simplicity that's what we'll call it. The druids have adapted a way of life that revolves around faith and magic, likely in an attempt to cultivate and one day attain this Third Eye. Like Gaius, who trained with the High Priestesses, you can study and practice and discipline yourself into acquiring it.

Magic is a cosmic force owned by the Triple Goddess, accessible to anyone with the Third Eye link. Imagine the Triple Goddess as a milkshake and the so-called Third Eye as a straw. The studying and training that people dedicate their whole lives to is basically just looking for/building a straw.

However, some people are just naturally born with a straw in hand, but require practice and study to be able to properly use it. Or like Morgana, it takes a few years for them to even find it/activate it.

Spellcasting is essentially just sucking through the straw, and the vocalized spells gives that Magic Milkshake some purpose/intent/shape.

The bigger the spell, the more Magic Milkshake is required. Some people have bigger/wider straws than others, so magic comes easier for them. But with enough training and practice anyone can widen their straw/strengthen their straw-sucking muscles to cast with the big leagues.

The Gean Canagh devours your straw/Third Eye. Perhaps you have to rebuild a new spiritual connection from scratch, or perhaps it permanently severs any and all connection to the Triple Goddess. Like getting excommunicated from the Church, only worse.

The Crystal Cave was/is the Triple Goddess's home, but she's out of town on a business trip atm so she left the spirit of her most loyal follower, Taliesin, to look after the place. It's super powerful and has all those cool crystals because it's hella steeped in her magic juices.

While most magic users get a standard-issue straw, others get Fancy Premium Membership Straws. Normal joe shmoes like Gilli have plastic straws, while a Seer like Morgana has a metal one or something (can you tell this metaphor is starting to get out of hand?). Those Premium Straws are only hereditary in nature. So there's a Seer Straw, or a Dragonlord Straw, or a Disir Straw, but it's also not a sure thing you'll even inherit it at all. It's all luck of the straw draw.

Creatures of magic aren't just animals that possess straws, though. They've been made/produced using magic rituals and processes and spells. Like Nimueh's afanc, nathairs, wraiths, shades, etc. So probably like a thousand years ago, some especially powerful shmuck came by and invented dragons. Which leads me to an important question: WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THE DOCHRAID WAS A GOOD IDEA.

Im reluctant to say these creatures were invented by the Triple Goddess, though, for reasons I'll get to in a moment.

So this still leaves the whole Cup of Life, life-for-a-life policy thing to be explained. I do believe that the policy is universally applicable to the creation of souls, and i do believe that animals have souls too. But individuals get their souls exchanged for those of equal value. So every soul has a certain weight to it, and you need to exchange souls of equal weight to create one. So when Merlin brought the dog to life, some random dog somewhere dropped dead against his knowledge.

Creating undead armies involves killing them and then resurrecting them. That's what 'undead' means. Zombies. So yes, to raise an immortal zombie army, Morgause's spell probably caused a bunch of people around the world to mysteriously drop dead.

Which leaves two last things to explain: destiny and Merlin.

Destiny is, i think, a combined effort between human choice and supernatural predeterminism. That is, for the most part humans make their own choices, but there are occasions where the Triple Goddess has to step in and do some course correction. Uther starting the Purge was free will, but Arthur and Merlin's destiny was an act of divine damage control. The Triple Goddess sets destiny into motion and informs a chosen few about it.

Okay SO. That leaves Merlin. And this is the bit im kinda excited about.

The Triple Goddess is a reservoir of power, a cosmic force of spiritual energy intrinsicallu linked to the fabric of the universe. People can spiritually reach out and tune into/channel her supernatural frequencies. But as a milkshake cannot suck itself through a straw, the Triple Goddess likewise cannot cast a spell. She can influence destiny, but she can't physically cast any magic on her own. That's why she didn't create the creatures of magic.

So a few years ago, Uther hecked up big time. And people of magic, the Triple Goddess's followers and acolytes and straw connections, were dying in droves. I can imagine that all those Third Eye tethers snapping en masse was painful for her to go through. She relies on the tethers to remain connected to the real world, and if all the tethers snap then she will be cut off from Earth altogether. And Earth requires magic to continue existing/thriving, so that's kind of a no-no.

So, the Triple Goddess knew that the only way to save the world was through divine intervention. Thus began the destiny of the Once and Future King and Emrys. She knew humanity is bigoted so there was bound to eventually be a repeat of Uther, so she made OaFK resurrectable, so they could keep him on the bench in case anyone ever needs him again.

Where does Merlin/Emrys fall into things?

Well. The Triple Goddess knew that saving her people and the world would require an immense magical undertaking, something no ordinary magic user would be able to pull off. But she has the power, if only she could use it. But a human can. So the Triple Goddess decided to be reborn into the body of a dragonlord's son. Merlin. Emrys. Magic itself.

Of course, this whole Being Born As A Human Thing is tricky, and as anyone familiar with reincarnation knows, you don't usually recall your past lives. So she became Merlin, unaware that he was ever the Triple Goddess. (Although she did add a clause saying she'd be destined to remember her past life eventually, which got hecked up for reasons ill explain later)

That's why so many creatures of magic/magic users recognize Merlin by his presence, why thr druids carry such reverence for him. Whereas the sidhe and other individuals don't recognize him, because they are blinded by heresy. They may have a spiritual connection to the Triple Goddess, but do not use her magic as she intended, and she's too busy wearing jaunty scarves to excommunicate them herself.

Why get the Once and Future King involved when she could just save everyone herself? Well, the Triple Goddess prefers to let the humans keep their agency and save themselves, and would rather remain in the role of protector/helper. Its just her nature.

But if that's the case, then why did Arthur's destiny fail? It's simple: Kilgharrah.

Remember what i said about the Horned God, counterpart to the Triple Goddess? Yeah, that's Kilgharrah. Like the Triple Goddess, he's another power reservoir, but he's jealous because people worship her and not him. He is against everything she does and actively seeks the destruction of the Triple Goddess's magic/influence for Jealous Evil Reasons. To stop him, the Triple Goddess enlisted some of her followers to bind him into the body of a dragon (perhaps this is how dragons were created) so he would never be able to do that. Years later, the Purge happened and "Kilgharrah" got locked away, further cut off from his power.

When Merlin walked in, unaware that he used to be the Triple Goddess, Kilgharrah seized his chance at revenge and manipulated Merlin into setting him free. Then, once free, he decided to lay claim to the power vacuum left by the Triple Goddess's quasi-absence. He began controlling destiny in whatever limited capacities he could, using magic of his own to permanently bury Merlin's knowledge of his past life. Then he ensured that Arthur would die and the Triple Goddess's magic would never return. But since he doesn't have FULL control over destiny (his powers are still limited by his dragon form, after all), he couldn't rewrite the bit where Arthur gets benched in Avalon. He's probably conspiring with the sidhe to ensure Arthur stays trapped there forever, or else he would've come back a long time ago.

As for how the Gean Canagh took Merlin's magic...well, yes, it devoured his Third Eye straw, but those are created by a strong spiritual connection to the Triple Goddess. And since he's literally the big TG himself, all he had to do was find himself again (by returning to his old home, the Crystal Cave) to recreate a new one.

Over the last 1500 years, Kilgharrah/the Horned God has been steadily accruing followers and worshippers in the hopes that one will become strong enough to release TG's bonds on him. Then he can kill her once and for all and claim full dominion over the universe, with the sidhe to support him.

I imagine that's how Arthur's resurrection would happen - Arthur and the rest of the dead Round Table are in Avalon when they learn about the treachery and plot to kill Merlin/take over the world, and spend the next few hundred years fighting their way out of Avalon.

Okay, I think that just about covers it. God, that was long. Any questions?

[jageunyeoujari]

‘idea’ & self-knowledge as love as freedom

w thanks to @radiatingdyke​​ & henrik !!

so in a previous post, i talked abt spectacle & respect in criminal for context. now starting off w henrik’s thoughts re: plato:

"It’s honestly pretty ambiguous what Plato means by it- at least in the republic- The core theory is that ideal forms are a truer kind of reality than the shadows. The philosopher escapes a cave of shadows projected on the wall by a ruling class, the only “reality” they ever knew and were literally bound to. They crawl through a treacherous passage to find themselves face to face with the dazzling light of the sun which blinds them temporarily, and as their eyes adjust they find themselves in a forest and realize the shadow puppet of “tree” was not the real tree all along! For what the shadows are: Idk how developed popular media/conventional politics were at the time but we (America) based a lot of our shit on it so I think one strong possibility is we find ourselves in a modern allegory of the cave where the shadows dancing on the wall are the world as it’s told to us- through news education and policy and the “real” is personal experience and genuine community. Then shadows would then be actual reality as we know it, including the real trees and personal experience, a veil placed over us by metaphysical forces which can be lifted through Godwork to reveal the true nature of the inner workings of the universe. The last part of the allegory is that the philosopher returns to the cave to free the other prisoners and spread the light”

so while criminal is the revelation in the toxic cycle of the idol culture & mutual destruction & obsession are confused for love, idea is making the decision to learn what true love & connection is, leaving behind the suffocating expectations demanded by the industry, & in the process, become complete in his humanity.

so we first see taemin in jail, condemning himself for his role in the toxic parasocial relations of idol culture, and literally... calling himself out.... altho i would say that this:

in criminal is purgatory proper, the jail may be the end point of his journey there. he confesses his sins, his soul gets purified, & then next we see him in the bar which is confirmed to be heaven (which happens to look much like lee soo man's office) while the flashy models stare at taemin, the walking dead, the posh people in suits (likely executives) ignore him. 

so here we have taemin trying to fit in seemlessly in this world of the elites who have the highest level of control in the idol industry. here, he is assured his status as the best & now guaranteed to be free of pain... but on their terms. there is shallow comfort but nothing else. the others content w playing games & eating delicacies, surrounded by alcohol, but are contained to sitting, indulging in frivolities, & passively looking on but no chance of connection. the bar is just another form of intoxication, but unlike criminal where there is at least an illusion of attaining love, heaven is merely stagnant. this idealized heaven of the elites cannot give true freedom as it is based on sterility & exclusivity, just another form of social control. "the dangerous dream that swallowed me is proven by you." staying here would be another form of self-betrayal & denial of the love he seeks so he rebels against heaven through his dancing, an affirmation of his life.

taemin then being shocked that all these shadow versions of himself are not the truth... silvery dissolving forms... his identity fragmenting............ but still taemin still can't break away from the illusion that the adoration & fame he receives as an idol could be actually hurting him.

as @radiatingdyke has talked about, BoA's 'killing me' line is reminiscent of korean shamans channeling gods. significant that it is BoA who he channels as they are both similar, debuting at a very young age & have been massive stars ever since then. "you are my messiah" BoA cuts him off, speaking the truth. this isn't who he rly is or what he actually wants. he must face himself & the truth or he will die. 

the mirror steps are i think symbolic of plato's ladder of love. to my understanding, the ladder of love is basically about how the aim of life is the ascension of the soul to heaven. the gods can do this as a god's soul is in perfect balance w all the different aspects of itself which makes them necessarily wise & good. humans' souls are in disarray, however, & it is this conflict between all parts of the soul which makes it difficult for us to follow the gods to heaven. to do this, people have to understand the true Form of beauty, by climbing the ladder of love. the steps start from loving a body which one is attracted to due to physical beauty & by understanding the beauty of this body, one can then consider how the beauty of one body is found in all bodies. the progression goes on from loving more broadly until we come to the last step, love of knowledge & wisdom. now one is able to see the actual form of Beauty, bringing harmony to your soul. so in order to taemin to finally know peace within himself, he has to know how to love.

& the progression of the ladder implies for me that by first learning to care for others but understanding who they are in their completeness & beauty, you eventually are able to learn to care for yourself & see the beauty in your own soul. & on the flip side, the better able you care for yourself, the more you are able to care for others. i'll discuss this more when i go into my thoughts on act 2 as a whole but basically, the rest of act 2 has a truly warm & loving atmosphere when taemin speaks to the other. in comparison, act 1 presents his experience of 'love' as enmeshment, painful, confusing, losing his self of sense to cater to the desires of the other. there are feelings of obligation to stay in this destructive relationship bc that’s his prescribed role & anyway, any attention is better than none at all. 

ppl w a poor sense of self can readily suffer mistreatment for the sake of a semblance of connection, confusing obsession for love when what’s rly happening is actually cathexis, an investment of emotions. while care & affection can exist w cathexis, as does happen in fans’ relations w idols, this is not the same thing as love which liberates & cultivates growth in yourself & the other. fans’ obsession w idols quickly flipping to hate when idols stray from the designated persona of perfection is investment in that image but is not real love. in act 1, he does not understand the other clearly for what it is, destruction that must end, & the fact that he is suffering. without such awareness, he is incapable of truly giving & receiving love. 

& while act 2 does have similar themes of taking on other's pain, it becomes a stark contrast to act 1 bc he does so from a place of utter assurance of his identity & true self-love, not from the fear of being left alone. he loves himself for who he is so he is able to love for ourselves purely as well.

& as @radiatingdyke has said (& in much more detail than i can) the ladder reflecting the sky can also be a reference to indigenous korean beliefs where the sky represents the entire universe. the creator god is Hanulnim, literally sky god.  

 also, even tho NGDA as a whole is replete w western imagery & references & v catholic, the overarching narrative of the 2 albums don't feel western to me in that there never is a fight between good & evil. a typical western narrative would be more like there would the defeat of like 'criminal' taemin by 'good' taemin or an obvious redemption arc. & to me, idea doesn't read so much as he confronts & then accepts both the good & the bad in him but that he leaves behind these limited concepts altogether & instead connects back to the true essence of the universe & becomes free to be utterly himself.

he’s struggled so much over the course of his career w figuring out how to reconcile the duality of himself, what it means to be authentic as an idol, wishing for his true self to be seen & appreciated. it’s always been looking outward for that validation but skirting away from revealing the whole truth of himself... & idea is the final answer to all that. no more denial, repression, burning away of the past, configuration to other ppl’s desires, no more use of mystery as a defense against the fear of being rejected if people see him for who he really is. he accepts himself for who he is & that’s all that matters.

in classic gaytholic taem fashion, he compares himself to jesus + mary + other divinity in NGDA imagery but ultimately, taemin is done w being both a god & the condemned. “i’ve finally opened my eyes.” he’s never been anything but a human being & he’s showing us all the beauty in that.

[penny-anna]

@abluescarfonwaston​ as I said I got like 4 stars for this meme and no specific requests, so I’m just going to talk at length about the fic I have the most to say about, which is sandstorms and hazy dawns

hooray!!

She comes to him in the night, breath hot against his ear, and says, “can we keep them?”

This opening scene takes place between the 2nd and 3rd scenes of the story... this is probably needlessly confusing as the rest of the story is in chronological order but, this is where I wanted to start & I can do what I want.

“No,” he says.

He feels her weight shift as she lies down beside him. “Why not?”

“You know why.”

She noses at his neck, at the side of his head, nuzzling him. He feels the beginnings of a purr down in her chest, feels it in her and inside himself. “I like them.”

He touches her head, burying his fingers in her coarse fur the way he hasn’t for years. It’s been a long time, since they were as close as this. When they are together she sleeps an arm’s length from him. For days at a time they’re apart. He knows her only as a flash of white on the edge of his vision, a scent in the air. She wanders for miles, for weeks, following her own path, and he sees her not at all.

so let’s talk about the break up!!

Geralt & Dag used to have a more ‘normal’ person + separated daemon relationship (like most witchers), in which they would only split up for long periods out of practical necessity. they broke up for several years following events in blaviken. here is my extremely rough rendering of how that went

geralt: why you let this happen. you’re supposed to be my conscience :(

dag: umm how is this my fault? you asshole?

geralt: fuck off

dag: fine i will!! *fucks off*

geralt: wait no i didnt mean it :(

i have no intention of ever writing this scene as i don’t think i could do it justice. in my head he also throws a rock at her tho. bcos he’s an angry boy & an asshole.

however!! the strain in their relationship would not have started there. when i was writing this fic i was imagining that the fact of being separated would in itself put a strain on any person/daemon relationship, which i felt was implied by the HDM books. & then since writing it I read The Secret Commonwealth which more or less confirms that separating does just cause people’s relationships with their daemons to break down sometimes.

I think I said this in another post but, I imagine that the newly acquired ability to have separate experiences would make them more and more able to seriously disagree on things. and physically separating for long periods (even if only for practical reasons) would force them to get better at functioning alone which could in turn make them more and more emotionally distant from each other.

He scratches at the join of her neck and jaw, and that purr grows, long and deep and contented. She lays her head down beside his, and he holds her. He’s aware of her tail flicking, restless. She’ll be awake a while yet and so will she. They always sleep and wake at the same times, no matter how many miles separate them.

Geralt loves her, his lion, his dæmon. He loves her with every fibre of his being. He loves her strength, her grace. He loves that she can take any shape she pleases, be a bird or a fish or a snake when the moment calls for it. He loves the distance she can walk from him. He would not have her any other way. He cannot imagine her any other way.

i was always going to have witchers w separating daemons for this fic. however i got talked into the idea of witchers w mutable daemons by someone in a witcher discord I’m in... whoever you are I have forgotten your tumblr so can’t credit you for your idea properly sorry!!

i was originally reluctant bcos it seemed to me that mutable daemons implied innocence & youthfulness, which is kind of at odds with how witchers seem to be perceived. however following the above discord conversation i realised it can also imply 1) that witchers don’t really have ‘fixed’ personalities, which ties in with their supposedly not having feelings; 2) ‘innocence’ but in a negative way, in the sense of immaturity & not having a properly developed mind and sense of morality. 

obviously none of the above is actually true and witcher daemons are just shapeshifting adult daemons but, that is how people perceive it.

additionally, given how superpowered witchers are it seemed to fit that they would have found a way around all the weaknesses that having a daemon bring.

He knows that she loves him too. He understand why sometimes she despises him. He has cursed her, with his words and his thoughts, and she hates him for it. She has left him alone, and he hates her for it.

They say witchers feel nothing and they are not wrong. It doesn’t pain him when they are apart. He hasn’t felt that pain since he was a child. He barely remembers what it feels like.

She stops purring. Her breath puffs against his skin. “Stop thinking so hard,” she says. “Go to sleep.” Her tail has stopped twitching. “Go to sleep.”

*

“I think you and I might have got off on the wrong foot – as they say.”

this scene is supposed to take place offscreen shortly following the gutpunch haha

“White hair – no visible dæmon – two very – very scary looking swords – I know who you are.”

I don’t like when daemon fics recap entire scenes w the addition of daemons but I wanted to get this 1 change in so. here it is in a brief flashback. i elected to take out ‘big old loner’ bcos 1) listing 3 things is neater 2) I felt that not having a visible daemon would be a more notable characteristic for jaskier to point out.

not having a visible daemon is not necessarily a ‘tell’ that someone is a witcher or part of another demographic that can separate as people’s daemons are just out of sight sometimes.

It had surprised him, the ease with which that word visible had tripped off the bard’s tongue; that unhesitating acknowledgement that just because he couldn’t see something did not mean it didn’t exist.

He says, “hm.”

“Aren’t you going to ask my name?”

“No,” he says.”

“You can call me Jaskier,” says the bard. With a jerk of his shoulder he indicates the songbird-dæmon perched atop his lute. “This is Tansy.” The dæmon peeps a greeting. Receiving no response the bard goes on, “she’s a nightingale which I think is very sexy of her. You know,” he adds. “Because I’m a singer. And she’s a – a songbird.”

i realised while i was writing this that jaskier never actually introduces himself on screen. which seems like an oversight on the part of the writers tbh. means we can do what we want tho.

as i said in the a/n on the fic itself, I got the idea of giving Jaskier a nightingale daemon from two halves of a whole. usually I try and avoid just straight up copying other people’s form ideas but i just. fell in love with nightingale.

other forms I’ve seen for jaskier seem to tend VERY strongly towards birds which I find interesting! i’ve think I’ve seen maybe 1 daemon fic where he doesn’t have a bird daemon.

moving on to the name! this is tansy:

I do intend to get into this in potential future installments of the series, but Tansy is not her birth name (none of the main daemons in this AU use their birth names, completely independently of each other). she started going by Tansy relatively young and when he later changed his to match.

I think Jaskier settled relatively young - maybe 2 years before the time this fic is set - and being the overdramatic little punk he is hasn’t quite got over the ‘have i mentioned how cool my daemon’s settled form is today’ phase yet.

& finally before moving on, p much the first thing we learn about Jaskier & Tansy is that he is very happy and at ease with her and the form that she takes. this is important.

He grunts an acknowledgement – if only to get the bard to stop explaining.

“You’re not the best conversationalist, are you?”

A sudden tension, inside his chest. She’s close. He looks up and there she is, slipping into view on the clifftop.

“It’s just usually when you have a conversation you take it in turns to speak,” says the bard. “Rather than one person doing all the – oh.”

Dag makes her way down the ragged cliff, leaping from perch to perch in languid motions till her white paws touch the earth and she’s beside him. Stooping Geralt runs his hand over her head in greeting. Her eyes narrow.

this is another thing I have mentioned Elsewhere but i did fall in love w geralt’s daemon’s name in two halves of a whole (linked above) and went looking for something which had a similar feel to it. sorry.

i’m aware that Dag is technically a man’s name but given the kind of, inherent gender-bending nature of opposite sex daemons it seemed appropriate.

i confess i was also thinking of the dag in fury road.

seen a lot more variety in daemon forms for Geralt than jaskier! most common choices seem to be 1) wolf and 2) roach is his daemon. I’m really not into ‘existing animal companion as daemon’ bcos I’m firmly in the camp of ‘daemons as a manifestation of a person’s inner voice’ rather than ‘daemons as Companions’ so I can’t get behind daemon!roach (I actually find it actively offputting gfdlkjfskdh)

wolf is a p good fit imo but I find it a bit on the nose and I wanted to do something different. so. he is a giant kitty cat. & as someone (I forget who sorry) correctly identified she is leucistic rather than albino.

white mountain lions do exist but best as i can tell there’s like 1 photo on the entire internet. bummer.

He’s aware of the restlessly silent presence of the bard behind them shifting his weight, his dæmon fluttering about his head, aware perhaps that he’s intruding on something intimate.

Geralt straightens, and the bard takes that as his cue to begin again. He clears his throat and says, “what can I call her?”

It’s been a long time, since anyone has asked for her name so brazenly; in fact he isn’t sure anyone ever has. Geralt shoots the bard a look.

“Well, you must call her something,” he says, unintimidated.

“I do,” says Geralt. “You don’t.”

The nightingale-dæmon, now resting upon her bard’s shoulder, is eying Dag curiously, but she’s cautious enough not to approach.

one thing I’ve noticed when re-reading HDM is that characters very rarely refer to other people’s daemons by names, even when they know them. generally i’ve loosely kept to this in my own daemon AUs bcos 1) i find that when fics us each daemon’s name every time i get a bit lost as to whose daemon is whose and 2) I like the idea that using someone else’s daemon name is a very hm. intimate thing. hence geralt is reluctant to call tansy by her name, even though he knows it.

“Right,” says the bard. “Well, then.”

*

Come morning, Dag is gone, but not gone far. Out of sight, but not so far away he can’t feel her. She’ll come back when it pleases her.

He readies Roach for the path ahead, half-listening to the lilt of conversation that carries from the bushes; Jaskier’s voice, and the pretty voice of his dæmon.

The bard stumbles out into view, tousled and bleary from a night on the ground. “G’morning.” He ambles over to join Geralt.

i genuinely wanted to specify here that jaskier was having a piss in the bushes but i couldn’t find a way to get it in that didn’t seem kind of tasteless. that is what is happening here tho.

“What will it take to get rid of you?” says Geralt.

“My, someone woke up on the wrong side of the – ground,” says Jaskier. “More than yesterday. Where are we off to next?” He puts his hand on Roach’s saddle. Geralt swats it away.

“I’m going north,” he says. “You go wherever you want.”

“Maybe I want to go with you,” says Jaskier. In a flutter of wings his dæmon comes to rest on the pommel of Roach’s saddle, and he can’t shoo her away. He wouldn’t dare put his hands near her.

They say of witchers that they have no souls. They say their dæmons are something else, something monstrous. They say they have no respect for the great taboo. When they see him mothers’ dæmons snatch their children away.

“You don’t,” says Geralt.

“You sound awfully sure,” says Jaskier.

You don’t know what you’re asking for, Geralt wants to say. He doesn’t know how to say it in a way the bard would understand. He glowers at the nightingale-dæmon until she takes the hint and flies back to Jaskier’s shoulder.

He feels Dag before he hears her, the padding of her feet on the ground as she emerges from the bushes, the soft sound of her breathing.

Jaskier nudges him. “You don’t fool me,” he says. “You’re a big pussycat really. Don’t think I didn’t hear her purring all last night.”

did u know that mountain lions are the largest cat than can purr! here is a video of one purring. it’s very cute but also a little scary.

“You’re imagining things,” says Geralt.

“I absolutely am not,” says Jaskier. “She was practically shaking the ground.”

At that Dag actually laughs, a short and bubbling laugh of real amusement. Geralt shoots her a look. Jaskier is looking at her too, looking at her curiously, startled by this, the first human sound he’s heard her make.

Looking away from them Dag stretches out on the ground, lounging as if she has nowhere to be. Jaskier tears his eyes away from her and says, “is she always a lion? It’s just –” His dæmon pecks him hard on the neck. “Ow – it’s just I heard witchers’ dæmons don’t settle.”

He fastens the straps on Roach’s saddle bag, and his hands still. “They aren’t unsettled,” he says. “They’re mutable.”

“I don’t follow,” says Jaskier.

“They settle,” he says. “But they keep the ability to change, after settling.”

“Ah, I see,” says Jaskier, nodding. “But is she –” His dæmon fastens her beak around his ear lobe and tugs. “Ow – ow – alright – there’s no need to be like that,” he mutters to her.

“I’m leaving,” Geralt says. “As I said. Go where you please.”

The bard and his dæmon follow him north.

*

Chimney smoke rises down in the valley. He doesn’t know the name of the town.

Dag is waiting for him, draped in the branches of a tree. She’s been scouting ahead, or perhaps she’s restless, or perhaps both.

She yawns, showing off her teeth. “Did you lose them?”

“You know I didn’t,” says Geralt. He can hear Jaskier’s voice behind them in the woods, and so can she.

Her tail swishes. “Why not?” she says, and he knows at once what she means.

bouncing off what I was saying above re ‘manifestation of a person’s inner voice’. I like taking opportunities to show that a person & their daemon are 2 halves of the same mind.

“You know why,” he says.

“Tell me.”

And she says it in that particular tone, a tone with steel in it, and he has to answer. “He’s soft,” he says. “He’s young. What he’s asking for will break him. He doesn’t understand.”

“Hm,” she says.

“It’s best he realises sooner,” he says.

“You don’t know how soft he is,” she says. “You don’t know him at all.”

“You’ve seen her,” he says. “That’s what he is.”

Tansy is delicate – pretty – fragile. She weighs almost nothing. She comes close by him as few dæmons will and every time he tenses for fear that he might touch her, without meaning to – hurt her – break her.

u know that post about the person whose boyfriend was afraid of holding babies in case he didn’t know his own strength and accidentally hurt them? thats geralt.

Dag’s tail is moving in the air, no longer swishing, flicking in sharp, angry jerks. “We both know that’s not how it works.”

He knows what she’s thinking. It hangs between them, unspoken. Another little bird dæmon they had once known, a pretty, charming robin-dæmon who had melted away like smoke before his eyes.

I’ve only seen 1 daemon fic featuring renfri (and I don’t think it was strictly a conventional daemon au) and it gave her a shrike daemon, which i do think is fitting. however as w wolf for geralt I find it a bit on the nose.

additionally, giving renfri a daemon has the potential to kind of, shift things wrt the ambiguity of her character, so you have a choice to make wrt whether you want to shift it more towards ‘she’s outwardly scary’ or ‘she’s outwardly innocent’ and I went for ‘outwardly innocent’, in part so I could do this specific parallel but also bcos I just preferred that vibe.

i went for european robin bcos it’s a very nice match for renfri’s aesthetic, and 1) I’m a slut for aesthetics and 2) helps to make sure readers will know who this is about.

He might say don’t. Don’t make me think of it. But he doesn’t. This thing has been unspoken between them for so many years. He doesn’t know what will happen if he breaks the silence.

They’ve been on the road for five – almost six weeks. He’s growing used to the chatter and the birdsong. Jaskier hasn’t complained – hasn’t complained much – hasn’t complained as much as he’d expected, not even when his feet bled in his fancy shoes. He’s generous enough to share the coin he gets from playing. Geralt’s had worse travelling companions.

Jaskier blunders out of the trees. “There you are,” he says. “Trying to shake us?”

“Yes,” says Geralt.

Jaskier snorts, as if that’s a joke. He looks out over the valley, the distant strings of smoke hazy in the twilight. “Do you think they have an inn?”

“I don’t care,” says Geralt.

“I want to sleep in a real bed,” says Jaskier. “And I want a bath.”

“I’m not stopping you,” says Geralt.

“It’s going to be freezing tonight,” says Jaskier.

“I’m used to it,” says Geralt.

Jaskier nudges him. “C’mon,” he says. “You could use a bath yourself. I don’t like to say so, but you are a very – unusual smelling person.”

“You’ve said so several times,” says Geralt.

“Have I?” says Jaskier innocently.

“Yes,” says his dæmon.

“So I have,” he says.

“Go and find an inn if you want,” says Geralt. “I’m not stopping you.”

“Stop being ridiculous,” says Jaskier.

“I’m being ridiculous?” says Geralt.

“Yes,” says Jaskier. “Alright, how about this. I’ll buy you a drink.”

“I can buy my own drinks,” says Geralt.

“But I’m offering,” says Jaskier. “A kind and magnanimous offer, out of the goodness of my heart. And also I think it’s going to rain and I want to get in doors, so stop being ridiculous.”

“Hm,” says Geralt.

They go to the inn. It’s begun to rain by the time they reach the town. Tansy hides herself away within Jaskier’s cloak. Dag doesn’t follow them down the valley, preferring to find a dry spot in the woods, preferring to avoid prying eyes.

The inn is crowded with people sheltering from the rain; two more strangers with hidden dæmons don’t get a second look. The rafters are lined with bird-dæmons, safely away from the crowd. Sitting alone in his corner he watches their movements, the beating of their wings. There was a time Dag might have changed her shape and joined them. A space like this is never comfortable for a large dæmon.

reading back over this story I think it’s hm easy to think of Dag as the Emotionally Mature one of them but she’s the one whose making a choice to like... hide from Regular People and has been doing it habitually for a long time, either by changing her form or just leaving him alone. 

Geralt & his daemon do this for a number of reasons I think, in part for practical reasons, but also because he doesn’t want people go be able to get a fix on what kind of person that he is, and on some level wants people to see him and be immediately repulsed by his not having a daemon... this is a self-destructive behaviour that Dag is an active participant in. stop it Dag you’re supposed to be the smart one.

There’s a bard playing, raising his voice to be heard over the crowd. He doesn’t sing as nicely as Jaskier. He’s made a poor choice of song, too, a quiet ballad, one of many about the beauty of the touch.

“Her hand upon my dæmon, the first in my life – it was like roses in the summer and I knew then she’d be my wife –”

1) i hate writing rhyming poetry and i am very bad at it. got away with it this time i hope bcos this is supposed to be kind of trite.

2) this is is what we call Planting. lol.

Jaskier pushes his way through the press back to their table. “As promised,” he says, sliding Geralt a mug of ale. Geralt grunts a thank you.

Jaskier sits, and regards him. Tansy flutters down to perch on the rim of his mug, dipping in her beak. Absently Jaskier strokes her downy back and Geralt tracks the tiny, intimate motion with his eyes. “Is this it, then?” says Jaskier.

one thing I was trying to convey throughout this fic is that spending time with Jaskier & Tansy is the first time Geralt has been around someone who has a Normal relationship with their daemon (as opposed to the ‘it’s complicated’ that geralt & dag have) for a long time and he’s very aware of the contrast. 

“Is this what?” says Geralt.

“Is this how it goes?” says Jaskier. “It’s just that I can’t help but notice there hasn’t been a lot of witchering.”

“That’s not a word,” says Geralt, and takes a draft of ale.

“What?” says Jaskier. “Witchering?” Geralt grunts. “Maybe I’ll put it in a song and get people saying it.”

“Don’t you dare,” says Geralt, and Jaskier laughs a little.

“Really, though,” he says. “Is this it?”

“How many monsters do you think there are in the world?” says Geralt.

“How should I know?” says Jaskier. Still perched on his mug Tansy whistles along with the ballad. A moment later Jaskier’s fingers begin to tap along. “What d’you do when you can’t get any work?”

“I make do,” says Geralt.

“Hmm,” says Jaskier. Sensing he isn’t going to get any meaningful answers – or perhaps just bored – his gaze wanders to the bard. For a few moments he listens quietly. “Have you ever done it?”

“What?” says Geralt.

“You know.” Jaskier ducks his head in the direction of the bard.

“Been a bard?” says Geralt.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” says Jaskier, mock-stern.

“No,” says Geralt. “Not like that.”

He’s had another’s hands on his dæmon, more than once. He and Dag have sworn to themselves: never again.

“Hm,” says Jaskier. “No. Me neither.” Again he strokes Tansy, perhaps imagining it.

Tansy is still whistling along with the bard, giving the final notes of the ballad a few extra flourishes, and Geralt catches himself thinking that she and Jaskier would sing it better.

*

“I’ll be having the bath first – if you don’t mind,” says Jaskier.

“Hm,” says Geralt.

“Though don’t think I’m going to let you get away without bathing,” says Jaskier. “I know what you’re like, and, and your aroma is really starting to bother me.”

“Hm!” pipes up Tansy in agreement.

“Find someone else to annoy, then,” says Geralt. He sits on the edge of the bed, still in his armour. Jaskier is meandering about the washstand, unfastening his doublet, restless as ever.

He tosses his doublet onto the bed, and looks Geralt up and down. “You’re not planning on sleeping in that, are you?”

“Maybe,” says Geralt.

“What, do you think the inn’s going to get attacked in the night by – werewolves, or something?” says Jaskier.

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” says Geralt.

“I can never tell when you’re joking,” says Jaskier, and unlacing his undershirt as he goes he wanders behind the screen.

“I don’t joke,” says Geralt.

“See?” Jaskier’s undershirt drapes over the top of the screen. Tansy, perched beside it, tugs at it with her beak, neatening it up. “There you go again.”

one of the biggest (& most underrated imo) challenges when writing a daemon au is characterising daemons... they’ve got to be like, recognisably the same person as the character, but at the same time ideally their own entity with their own personality. i found Dag came quite naturally, probably bcos Geralt is a character who definitely hides a lot of aspects of his personality, but Tansy was harder.

i imagined Tansy being very quiet with people who aren’t Jaskier & also very much the ‘put your clothes away don’t leave them all over the floor’ type of daemon.

Alone – or what passes for alone – Geralt begins to divest himself of his armour.

Jaskier’s trousers appear atop the screen. A moment later there’s a gentle splashing of water. A sigh.

geralt is definitely not thinking about the fact that jaskier is undressing. nope. he is not thinking about the fact that jaskier is naked in the same room as him. this is of no interest to him at all. He Does Not Care.

“This soap smells like pig fat,” he remarks.

“That’s because it’s made of pig fat,” says Geralt.

“Well. Yes,” says Jaskier.

Tansy is looking at him curiously from atop the screen. Caught staring, she opens her wings and drops out of sight to join Jaskier.

“Does Dag not come indoors?” says Jaskier.

“Now and then,” Geralt answers, before he has fully processed what Jaskier said. His hands still on his armour. “When did she tell you her name?”

this is something I do intend to cover in a future fic but I also don’t intend for it to be especially dramatic

“A few weeks ago,” says Jaskier. “I didn’t think much of it. Why? Do you mind?”

“Yes,” says Geralt.

Behind the screen water splashes. “Why on earth would you mind?” says Jaskier. Geralt doesn’t answer. “Well – I suppose that’s another one for the list of things I’ll never understand about you – like your sense of humour, and why you spend hours talking to your horse when you’ve a perfectly good dæmon.”

an extra dimension of geralt talking to his horse in this au is that he is used to having his daemon there.

Rising, Geralt begins setting his armour on the chair. “She isn’t always there,” he says.

“Well, yes, but it’s not as if she goes very far,” says Jaskier.

“Sometimes she does,” says Geralt.

In a sudden fluttering of wings, Tansy reappears atop the screen.

“How far does she go?” says Jaskier.

“As far as she pleases,” says Geralt.

A gentle sloshing of water. Tansy turns on her perch, peering down at her bard, something wordless passing between them. “Does it,” says Jaskier. “I mean, do you – I don’t know how to ask.”

“Spit it out,” says Geralt.

“Can you still feel her?”

“Yes.”

“Does it still hurt?”

“No.”

so this scene is (obvs) a kind of a call back to That One Bath Scene in canon. this is the first time they’ve been hm ‘domestic’ together and it’s a little awkward, especially for geralt, who is not used to it. all of which is in contrast with how comfortable they are around each other later.

& this is the most frank (probably) conversation they have over the course of the entire fic and it happens when they are physically screened from each other. and also jaskier is literally naked while geralt is opening up to him. this is all very notable for obvious reasons I hope.

“I see,” says Jaskier, though Geralt doubts he does. It’s difficult for humans to get their heads around the way he and Dag experience the world. Most aren’t interested in trying.

geralt here actively ignoring the fact that jaskier is making an effort to understand

He hears the water moving, and the padding of Jaskier’s bare feet on the floorboards. His clothes are whisked back down from the screen and half a minute later he emerges, his hair towel-damp. “All yours,” he says.

Geralt sits in the still-warm water, and soaks, and listens as Jaskier putters about on the other side of the screen, getting ready to sleep, listens to the steady back and forth of his conversation with Tansy. He hums, and she whistles along.

uh so if you’re an introvert I imagine you’ve probably had the experience of being Alone and Unobserved for the first time in an uncomfortably long time... i have this experience every day when i leave work fjgksfkgjfg

tansy & jaskier talk p much non-stop when they’re (semi)alone

When at last, the water cold, he ventures out from behind the screen, Jaskier is on the bed, scribbling something down in his little book.

“You can have the bed,” says Geralt. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Jaskier shifts over towards the wall. “We’ll both fit. I don’t mind if you don’t.” He glances up from his writing. “Though just to warn you, I’m reliably informed that I kick.”

“He does,” says Tansy from the headboard.

The room smells like candle smoke, and pig fat. The scent of the outdoors still clings to them to their clothes, to Jaskier’s hair. He sleeps facing the wall, the warmth of his body pressed to Geralt’s side. Tansy sleeps with her head tucked beneath her wing. Geralt lies awake, listening to Jaskier’s breathing.

geralt is not affected by this situation at all. he is not even a little bit uncomfortably attracted. nope. nuh-uh.

they don’t ever share a bed in the show but i gather it’s a normal thing to do in the books so for the purposes of this fic, this is a thing that it later becomes normal for them to do.

He mumbles now and then in his sleep. And true to his word, he does kick.

*

Morning comes grey, but dry. They eat breakfast in the tavern. Jaskier chatters, about the weather, the food, the song he was writing in the evening. Geralt tunes him out, and lets his eyes roam over the other patrons. His gaze falls on a pair of old men smoking long pipes. They’re looking at him, at the absence beside him, the empty space he occupies. Caught staring they look away.

Jaskier pokes his arm. “Are you listening to me?” he says.

“Hm?” says Geralt.

“I said you’re even more sullen than usual this morning,” says Jaskier. “What’s got into you? Trouble sleeping?”

Geralt turns his attention to his porridge. “You kick.”

“I’m aware,” says Jaskier. “I did warn you. Well, I dare say –”

A woman is approaching their table, purposefully, stoically. Geralt recognises her attitude. Jaskier is savvy enough to guess.

“You’re the witcher?” she says, as if it’s a question. Her dæmon, a large, horned beetle, clings silently to her sleeve.

always hard w daemon AUs to strike a balance between making it clear to the audience that everyone in this world has a daemon & including superfluous information about daemons who aren’t relevant to the story. originally didn’t include this woman’s but then decided I didn’t have enough background daemons.

this is something i actually paid a lot of attention to while reading the secret commonwealth bcos i wanted to see how pullman handles it.

additionally I think insect daemons are under-represented in daemon au fic so I have been trying to get in as many as I can.

“Well, he’s a witcher,” says Jaskier. Geralt nudges him to be quiet.

She says, “my sister has a job for you.”

*

The wind is picking up. The day is getting thin. Ahead, on the hilltop, the dark outline of a hay barn, stark and flat against the grey sky.

He dismounts, and ties Roach to a tree.

“Is Dag not joining us?” says Jaskier.

“She comes and goes as she pleases,” says Geralt.

“What, did you two have an argument or something?” says Jaskier. Geralt grunts. “Did you? About what?”

“You,” says Geralt truthfully, and Jaskier laughs as if he’s made a joke.

Dag is in the air somewhere above them. Irritated with him as she may be, she hasn’t gone far, this time. She’s watching the valley, her keen hawk’s eyes searching for any untoward movement.

He starts to climb the hill. Jaskier makes to follow. Turning Geralt holds up a hand, halting him in his tracks. “Stay with Roach.”

Jaskier adjusts the strap of his lute. “I can handle it.”

“This won’t be pleasant,” says Geralt.

“Honestly,” says Jaskier. “How do you expect me to write about all this if you never let me see anything?”

“I don’t,” says Geralt.

“Anyone would think you didn’t want me to immortalise your deeds in song,” says Jaskier.

“I don’t,” says Geralt.

“It’s stifling to my creativity, not to mention rude,” says Jaskier. “And wholly unjustified. I have a strong stomach.”

Wavering, Geralt glances at Tansy, on Jaskier’s shoulder. She hms in agreement. He drops his hand. “If you’re sure.”

In the doorway of the hay barn Jaskier turns his face away and retches. “Oh gods,” he moans. “Oh heavens. Fuck me –”

“Go and wait with Roach if you want,” says Geralt.

One hand braced against the door frame, the other over his mouth, Jaskier looks at him. He takes his head from his mouth. He shakes his head. Tansy flutters in the doorway, from the shadow to the light, and resolves. She flies into the barn, up, up to the rafters, and there looks down upon the bodies.

This is where they have brought their dead, this most remote outpost of their village, with the spiders and the rats and the dust. They brought the bodies here, a dozen or more of them, and piled them up, meaning to burn them, meaning to burn this lonely place to the ground.

They’re unmarked. The air is thick with the smell of death. The most recent lies near the door, her eyes open, staring up at the roof. She’s young. Her hair is fair. She’s dressed in an apron, as if she’d just stepped out of her kitchen – to the water pump, perhaps – when she was attacked.

One death such as this, two, they’d bury. This many, in as many days, they know what haunts them, and they fear it like nothing else.

“What killed them?” says Tansy from the rafters.

“Hm,” says Geralt. He crouches to look at the dead girl, to be sure there are no marks on her, as the village healer had said. Taking off his gloves, he touches her face, tilting her head towards the light.

why does geralt take off his gloves. bcos later i had a scene where he’s washing his hands and then it was pointed out to me that he normally wears clothes and so wouldn’t need to. shush.

It isn’t his place to interfere with how these people treat their dead; but this isn’t right. There’s nothing to fear here. They are only dead. The danger, the thing that killed them, has passed. There’s nothing to be gained in consigning their dead to this bleak, anonymous fate.

A scuffling, above. Tansy moving on the rafter.

“Geralt?” says Jaskier. “What killed them?”

“Shh.”

Geralt glances up, at Tansy. She’s perched quivering on the rafter. “What is it?” he says.

“Something moved.”

tansy being a very hm fastidious sort of person translates to being quite perceptive

“I didn’t see anything,” says Jaskier.

“You weren’t looking,” says Tansy.

Geralt rises. He reaches for his sword.

The barn reeks of death. In the semi-darkness he had taken it for one of the bodies piled around it. It’s rising now to its feet, its movements stilted, unnatural. You might take it for a lumbering thing, a slow thing you could outrun. You’d be wrong.

Tansy takes flight, flashing in and out of the light from the doorway, and as she does so it begins to move, crawling forward over the piled bodies with the speed of a darting insect, snatching, grasping at the air above it. Jaskier cries out. “Run!” Geralt barks, raising his sword.

this whole scene was hard for a number of reasons... firstly i don’t know a lot about witcher monsters and spent a while trying to find one that fit the kind of scene I wanted before saying ‘fuck it’ and inventing my own

and secondly I don’t know about anyone else but uhh whenever i want a story to include an action scene in my head it’s just like ‘and then a fight happens!!’

+ w this one as well as planning out the fight i had the extra issue of, how it manages to get hold of Tansy which I. hope i explained satisfactorily. 

The sight of silver gives the dæmophage pause. It halts, its eyes wide and staring, its shoulders heaving. It’s a fluid creature and it no longer needs its human disguise. Its limbs stretch, its spine bends at an unnatural angle, its slit nostrils flaring. It has no mouth. It has no need of one. Frost spreads from its fingers, coating its hands and arms, the bodies beneath it, the packed dirt floor.

He’s aware of laboured breathing behind him. He’s aware, suddenly, that Jaskier has not run. He risks a glance over his shoulder and sees him pressed to the far side of the door frame, gripping the wood with one white-knuckled hand. His other hand is held, clenched, to his chest. The colour has drained from his face.

“Run,” Geralt says. “Run!” Still Jaskier doesn’t move, and stepping back, not taking his eyes off the dæmophage, Geralt reaches blindly behind himself, finds Jaskier and shoves him backwards.

He resists, and in that resistance Geralt feels what has happened, feels it before Jaskier lets out a pained sound, before he says, choked, “Tansy.” For it’s not the resistance of one who doesn’t want to go; it’s the resistance of one tethered, of a tied-up dog trying to run from a fire.

The dæmophage is crawling forward again, one-handed. It’s holding something in its other hand, in a hand thick with ice. He can’t see what it is. He knows what it is. “Geralt –” Jaskier wheezes, and whatever he means to say next he can’t find the breath.

There are many vile ways to die, in the world. Few worse than your dæmon becoming meal to a creature like this, the life crushed from it, your soul slowly, torturously drained away.

He takes off the dæmophage’s arm first, the arm that holds Tansy, and its whole body jerks spraying dark blood across the walls, across the bodies. As its severed arm hits the ground its fingers fall open and he sees her, a fistful of icy brown feathers, but there’s no time to dwell on her, no time to dwell on if he was fast enough, if there is anything left to save. The dæmophage lashes out at him with its other hand, with its sharpening claws; he dodges, swings, and its arm falls to the ground, cut at the elbow.

It takes two strikes to cleave off its head. Its body remains half-upright, swaying, blood bubbling from its neck. He stands over it, sword raised, breathing hard. They’re fluid creatures. Half-shadow. You can never be sure.

It falls. It is still. He lowers his sword.

Behind him Jaskier falls heavily to the ground. Geralt turns to find him on his knees, shuddering all over, gasping, but still conscious, his eyes alert. He slumps forward, catching himself on his hands, and empties his stomach onto the dirt.

“Tansy,” he croaks. “Oh gods, Tansy –” He sees her, still in the dead creature’s hand, melted frost dripping from her feathers. He tries to rise. His legs won’t hold him.

She had been in its grip less than a minute. It must have felt like an age. Geralt is surprised he didn’t faint. Perhaps he’s made of sterner stuff than he looks.

so I don’t imagine this being as much a matter of Inner Strength as much as (as established early) Jaskier & Tansy having a very close and intimate bond, which in turn is a reflection of Jaskier being at ease with himself and the kind of person he is. 

in short this isn’t a matter of jaskier being like, exceptionally brave so much as being like ‘hey! don’t you dare! fuck you!’

Stepping closer Geralt takes his arm and heaves. “I told you to wait with Roach,” he says. But the look Jaskier gives him, of mute, numb disbelief at his coldness, silences any further reproach.

He hauls Jaskier to his feet, but Jaskier tugs his arm from his grip. He wipes his face on his sleeve and staggers forward, falling to his knees once again beside her, reaching for her with shaking hands.

When he picks her up he lets out a gasp of relief – or terror – it’s hard to say which. She doesn’t respond to his touch. She lies limp in his hands.

Jaskier looks up at him, and voice unsteady he says, “she’s cold.”

*

He sets the barn alight. By the time he’s done it’s growing dark, and the wind has died away. He leaves it to burn on its hilltop, to be sure the creature is dead. He’ll tell the villagers to come back when it’s burned to the ground, to take the bones of their dead and bury them properly. They’ll do it, if not for the right reasons.

The barn is a red-orange blaze in the distance. Down in the valley there’s a chill in the air. He can see Jaskier’s breath, though it’s not cold enough for that. He hasn’t stopped shaking. Geralt builds a fire, so he can warm himself, and sets about fastening the dæmophage’s head to Roach’s saddle.

“Geralt, she’s still cold,” says Jaskier. He’s kneeling too close to the fire, Tansy clutched to his chest, hidden in his cupped hands. He’s stripped off his filthy doublet, dark with the creature’s blood. “Geralt. Geralt. She won’t wake up.”

 i don’t know if it actually makes sense for jaskier to have got blood on him but listen i will take any excuse to have him take his doublet off bcos i’m just into it.

“She’ll wake up,” says Geralt.

“Are you sure?” says Jaskier.

“Hm,” says Geralt. He isn’t sure. You can never be sure. But if it had drained enough of the life from her that she was beyond waking, Jaskier’s mind would have broken. She’d be fading away. She was in shock. That was all. She’d wake.

If he’d been fast enough to kill it, but not fast enough to save her – he’d seen it before. He’d seen men and women, their minds broken into icy fragments, spending their last days terrified, in pain, alone. Unable to understand what had happened to them. Sometimes it was more merciful to let the dæmophage finish its meal, and kill them outright.

Not this time. He’d been fast enough.

“She – she won’t wake up, Geralt, she –” Jaskier breaks off in a ragged gasp. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Give her some time,” says Geralt. He fetches a blanket, and tosses it to Jaskier.

Jaskier doesn’t take it. “I can’t wake her up,” he says. “Geralt, what do I do?”

“Stop panicking,” says Geralt.

It’s no good. Jaskier understands what he’s saying, but he can’t keep his thoughts straight long enough to act on it. His mind is clouded. Where his connection to Tansy should be there’s nothing but confusion.

this was a fun opportunity to get a little bit into how the connection between a person and their daemon works :3

“I don’t know what to do,” he says. “I can’t think – Geralt, I can’t –”

His name falls again and again from Jaskier’s lips and it carries a silent plea. Help me. Do something.

He doesn’t know what to do. Or rather he knows what he ought to do, to offer comfort and warmth until this passes, but he doesn’t know how.

If he had seen it sooner. If he hadn’t let Jaskier talk him into taking him into danger. If he’d been quicker, smarter, harsher.

Tansy will get better. Jaskier will walk away from this.

double meaning in ‘walk away from this’ as in ‘survive this’ but also ‘will walk away FROM GERALT because of this’

Tension, behind him. He feels her long before he sees her, long before she ghosts into the firelight on owl-wings. She lands and with a soft rushing of air she’s herself again. Jaskier falls silent, startled at seeing her change, though he knew she cold.

“Jaskier,” she says. “Do you trust me?”

Half-watching, Geralt sees him nod.

“Put her down,” she says.

Jaskier hesitates. “But –”

“I know what I’m doing,” says Dag. “Put her down. Let me see.” Again he refuses, a wordless stammer of protest. “Jaskier. You’re panicking. Breathe deep. Put her down.”

Jaskier lays Tansy down. His hands are still shaking, but his breathing has slowed. That’s something. “What’s happening to her?” he says. “It hurts –”

He’d known it must. But Jaskier hadn’t said so, to him.

Dag noses at Tansy’s tiny, limp body. She licks her, once. “She’s just cold,” she says. “She’s just fainted. She’ll be fine.”

The back of one hand pressed to his mouth, Jaskier sobs.

“Shh,” says Dag. “Jaskier. Be calm.” Then she ducks her head forward, and touches him.

She touches her head to his face, nuzzling him, and at that contact a tremor goes through Geralt like a static shock. It’s only for a moment. Jaskier jerks away from her, as one would if a dæmon came too close by mistake.

this scene was inspired a bit by the part in The Subtle Knife where Pantalaimon physically comforts Will bcos he doesn’t have a daemon to comfort him. Obviously Jaskier does have a daemon, but he’s experiencing her being unconscious while he’s awake for the first time, making him essentially bereft of her.

He turns to look at Geralt, standing by Roach, no longer pretending he isn’t watching this. Their eyes meet. Geralt says nothing. Does nothing.

Jaskier turns back to Dag. Her eyes are lidded. Gingerly, Jaskier raises a hand to touch her. Geralt should cry out stop. He should go over there and drag them apart. He doesn’t.

Jaskier runs his hand over her head, the touch barely-there, just enough pressure to be felt through her fur. Geralt feels that touch like a gentle nudge somewhere within his ribs. It doesn’t feel bad.

He can feel, somehow feel birdsong in that touch. He can feel silk, and music, and laughter. It feels like the smell of perfume and candle smoke. Polished wood beneath his fingers. He’d had another’s hand on Dag before. It did not feel like this.

and THIS description of what touching (or being touched by) a person’s daemon would be like was inspired by how it’s depicted in Disciples of Apollo which is an a+++ daemon AU you should read if you like daemon stuff regardless of whether you’re a fan of M*A*S*H or not... please read it it’s so good.

He wonders what Jaskier feels, touching her.

i do intend to cover this. eventually. if i ever get around to writing more of this series.

Jaskier runs his hand over Dag’s head a second time. She purrs, low and deep in her chest. On the ground, Tansy gasps for breath.

my intention here is that Jaskier’s distress is part of what’s keeping Tansy from waking up, but then as long as she’s unconscious he can’t calm down, so by acting as a kind of stand-in daemon for him Dag is helping him Chill The Fuck Out sufficiently for Tansy to pull herself together.

“Tansy.” Jaskier’s hand falls from Dag’s head, and he reaches for her. “Oh gods, Tansy –” He cradles her in his hands. Her whole body is trembling.

“Jaskier,” she says, and at the sound of her voice all of his breath leaves him, his shoulders shaking, limp, weak with relief. He kisses her, holds her close by his face. Neither of them speak.

Geralt looks away. He meets Dag’s eyes, and she holds his gaze. He understands why she did it. He wouldn’t take it back. He’d do it again, and again. He still doesn’t like it. Dag turns away from him. She lies down beside the fire.

He tucks the blanket around Jaskier’s shoulders, and Jaskier murmurs thanks. He sits. He cleans his sword. The air smells like smoke. They shouldn’t linger here, in the dark. Jaskier’s breath is still fogging the air.

“We should go back to the village,” he says.

“Okay,” says Jaskier. Unsteady on his feet, he levers himself upright with one hand, the other cradling Tansy to his chest. “Okay.”

In the village lights are still burning in the windows. Geralt unties the dæmophage’s mouthless head.

“Should we,” says Jaskier, “talk about this?”

“Hm?” says Geralt.

“You know what I mean,” says Jaskier. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” says Geralt, and taking the creature’s head he marches away.

“I’ve heard of mixed signals,” calls Jaskier in his wake. “But this is ridiculous!”

am not actually 100% happy with this part, i wanted to get this line in but i couldn’t get it to mesh w the tone of the scene

*

The village is too small for an inn, but as well as coin the monster’s head earns them a bed for the night in the alderman’s house, and an invitation to dinner.

The monster’s head, and perhaps Jaskier; Jaskier, whose boyish smile and pretty dæmon had charmed the alderman and his wife at once, Jaskier, who had come back from the hunt pale, and shivering in a way they must recognise.

geralt thinks Tansy is very pretty. that’s just how his tastes run and he genuinely has no idea that most people don’t think nightingales are like, notably pretty.

There’s only one bed in the room they’re given but the alderman’s daughter makes up a cot. He tells Jaskier to take the bed. Jaskier doesn’t argue. Jaskier says nothing at all.

Since his outburst when they reached the village he’s spoken only to say yes and please and thank you. He lies upon the bed, staring at the ceiling, one hand stroking a slow, contemplative circle on his own stomach. Tansy sits on the pillow beside his head, plucking at his hair, grooming at him like a mother cat with a kitten.

Geralt washes the dæmophage’s blood from his hands. It has dried into the creases in his palms, under his fingernails.

“Will you come to dinner?” he says.

“Not very hungry,” says Jaskier.

Stretched out upon the cot, Dag raises her head. “You should eat,” she says.

Geralt sees her indoors so rarely. It takes him off-guard, sometimes, how large she is compared to human things. The alderman and his family must have been startled, to see him go on a hunt without a dæmon and return with one, but they had said nothing about it.

i did not mention that dag is in this scene before she speaks to emphasise that her presence indoors is unusual and unexpected. i am very smart.

She lies alert, tail flicking, watching over Jaskier.

His hands don’t feel clean. He washes them again. “You’re quiet,” he says.

“Hmm?” says Jaskier.

“Are you alright?” says Geralt.

“Since when do you care?” says Jaskier. “I thought you wanted me to shut up.”

“What will it take for you to give me some peace?” he had said, more than once.

“Hell or high water, probably,” Jaskier had answered, sunnily smiling.

If he hadn’t been fast enough. If the creature had taken something that could not be brought back – the light in his eyes. Warmth. A smile he’d never see again. Not like this. He didn’t want it like this.

once again double meaning re geralt thinking that jaskier is going to leave him because of this

He leans heavily upon the washstand. He breathes out. He’d been fast enough. Jaskier was shaken. That was all. He’d be fine.

“I’m just,” says Jaskier. “Thinking.”

“What are you thinking about?” says Geralt.

“What’s it to you?” says Jaskier. A moment’s quiet, and he says, “why don’t elves have dæmons?”

this is my no 1 issue w this fic (which i am otherwise happy with), I really wanted to get this conversation in but wasn’t quite sure where to put it. originally i was going to include it much earlier, and have it be in response to meeting the elves, but i couldn’t get it to work with the pacing and i needed something for them to discuss here so. here it is. i’m not 100% sure it works. i think i understand why jaskier is bringing this up now but i’m not sure how to describe it properly.

The question jars him. It’s like something a child would ask. Why it’s on Jaskier’s mind now, of all times, he can’t imagine. “You know why.”

“I want to hear what you have to say about it,” says Jaskier.

“It’s the way the world is,” says Geralt. “Humans have dæmons. Elves don’t. Others don’t.”

“You’re not human and you have a dæmon,” says Jaskier.

“You know why,” says Geralt again. He can feel Dag’s stare on him, accusing, but he can’t help his frustration. He has the sense that Jaskier is goading him – or trying to catch him out in a lie. He doesn’t know what Jaskier wants from him.

“Do you think it’s lonely?” says Jaskier.

“Being an elf?” says Geralt.

“Mm,” Jaskier agrees.

tbqh it’s just occurred to me now as im re-reading it that part of this is jaskier obliquely asking geralt about his own feelings about having a daemon.

Geralt begins to dry his hands. “You can’t miss what you never had.”

“I don’t know,” says Jaskier. “I miss all sorts of things I’ve never had.”

Geralt waits for him to expand on that thought. But he’s lapsed back into silence. “Elves find dæmons distasteful,” he says. “It bothers them. Like seeing someone with their insides spilling out. They think half-elves born without dæmons are stronger for it.”

At that, mystifyingly, Jaskier laughs a little. “Hear that, Tansy?” he says. “Maybe I would have been stronger if I didn’t have you, like a half-elf. What do you think?”

gjlkghjklghdfj i had so much trouble w this line bcos my beta fully believed that this was jaskier professing that he was half elf so i had to re-write it and somehow at least one reviewer has still thought that was the implication... he’s 100% not half elf in this AU sorry. if i ever get around to writing the sequel it will be evident that he’s not half elf (or like if he is he has no idea) 

Tansy clicks her beak. “I think you’d miss me terribly,” she says. “Even if you’d never had me.”

His hands are dry. He stops running the cloth over them, and sets it aside. “Dag’s right,” he says. “You should eat.”

“If you insist,” says Jaskier. “Where are we going next?”

Geralt turns to look at him. He’s gazing up at Tansy, running a finger over her neck. “After dinner?” he says.

“Tomorrow,” says Jaskier. Geralt says nothing, but his silence must speak for itself, for Jaskier looks at him and says, “don’t think you’re getting rid of me that easily.”

“Why?” says Geralt.

“I’m a glutton for punishment, I suppose,” Jaskier says. “Anyway. I’m working on a song and it isn’t finished.”

“Hm?” says Geralt.

Jaskier’s gaze drifts back to Tansy. “Still needs an ending,” he says.

i wasn’t sure how to end this story and this last line is very cheeky eheheh. i can do what i want.

thank you again for requesting!! i hope u enjoy this commentary. it has been a fun diversion. i’m very pleased w this fic and i love talking about daemon AUs. <3

[lizbotw]

Okay. I think I’ll finally confess, because I’m way too excited for us to have matching themes. (Also gonna put that you’re my “buddy” in my description if we are gonna match themes lmao👀)Since you’re favourite character is Reiner, mine is........

......

......

......

.....Bertholdt!!!!! :DDD You’ve guessed right this whole time but it was hilarious watching the entire progress of my keeping info away from you and leaving you in the dark😌ALSO PLEASE TELL ME YOUR THINKIG PROCESS AND HOW YOU ALREADY HAD AN IDEA OF MY “TASTE” WHAT-you have idea how hard it was to keep it from you without bursting into my endles compliments I have for this tall precious boy who deserves the world🥺 I’ve been having some ideas but also wanted to let you guess..however it was too painful to wait because you were RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT but you still were unsure and thought it might be Marco or Reiner still aha, and none of this would’ve even been possible if I never mentioned the name because apparently you didn’t even remembered that he existed in the anime😭 So underrated.....Okay I was thinking of changing my quote in the blog name to one of Bert’s quotes and maybe you could do one too? Not to mention matching icons?🥺It sounds like so much fun but idk if you’re up for it..?? 😌Anyways you’re response to my ask was so soft, I’ll just go happily cry in a corner while doing my hw-

KRISTY ISTG I’M GONNA PUNCH YOU I FUCKING KNEW IT as soon as i saw him i was like “i just KNOW kristy is heads over heels for this fucking man” what other guy would you like!!! the answer is none of them!!! only him!!! okay the rest is under the cut because this was an entire journey and a half smh but you ASKED FOR IT

my thought process? whooo this is messy but okay. also if i say it now i won’t have to say it later so i’ll just unload everything here. much easier than ranting in ur dms. also you don’t have to like... reply, you can just read it because i am just delivering what you asked for

okay i’ll confess too, i wasn’t unsure about my answer AT ALL, that was just a cover up 😭 IDK AJDNSJAJ i was so SURE it was him, but there’s always the chance there’s someone else but also literally could not see you liking anyone else. i 100% knew it wasn’t marco bc um... he’ll be gone soon ❤️ idk when but soon. so he’s not exactly a good choice for a long-term fav, but i was like let’s just add him in for some ~mystery~ and also tbh you kinda exposed urself that it’s not him when you said a long time ago that ur okay with jean-marco matching icons but that you still really want me to figure out ur fav

i was trying to figure out how to say it ¿¿¿ as soon as i saw him i was like this is it. i’ve got to tell her. but i didn’t know how to word it AJJSJDJSJ “why do i feel like you like bertholdt 🤡” “ur in love with bertholdt aren’t you 😐” “bertholdt” (that’s right. just his name. and then i’d see how you react.) “him” “reiner’s bff... u like him don’t you” ALL OF IT and we weren’t as close then so i was like AJSJJSJDJ HOW TO WORD THINGS- the amount of times i almost said it but was like hmm... nvm let’s go back to discussing eren, that’s the safest thing to talk about rn. grrr i was just “it’s bertholdt, u like bertholdt u ABSOLUTELY LOVE BERTHOLDT I KNOW IT 🤡🤡🤡” like i could not figure out how to... convey. it was just 😐🤡😐🤡😐🤡 bc it’s HIM. but i was like ur gonna hate me if i say it like that but those were my emotions BC IT’S SO OBVIOUSSSSS

AND WHAT REINER????? nooo i absolutely KNEW you did not like him, plus you said you already had ur reiner phase smh kristy u are so obvious. SO OBVIOUS KRISTY IT HURTS but you also said you were being very careful and not giving me clues??? so i was thinking maybe i’m looking at things too surface level here. I AM NEVER SECOND GUESSING MYSELF AGAIN

i knew it was a guy even tho you kept saying “they” bc YEAH INTUITION 🧘‍♀️ only maybe i’d think you like christa or whatever but idk she’s like... not the first choice. hmm WAIT LMFAO ALSO YOU ALREADY SAID HANGE WAS UR FAV FEMALE CHARACTER kristy the things you say... the clues were enough to confirm my initial suspicions 😈 man me mentioning bertholdt = opening the floodgates for you YOU WERE SO EXCITED

let it be known that i was onto you from the start 😠 if you told me it was someone else i would be like “okay... lies” but in the back of my mind i would have known you must have an intense bertholdt phase at some point. it’s him. it’s always been him.

okay let me explain my relationship with bertholdt because i didn’t forget him ENTIRELY nooo don’t think that 😭 so he shows up with his buddy reiner and talks to eren ❤️ instantly is on my radar bc talking to my boy??? already am like “kristy vibes.” cut to jean existing 🥰 am only focused on him during trost arc bc eren died :( see reiner and annie together, so cute 💞 but where is bertholdt? i decide to write a thing about my thoughts on all the characters. i end up writing a paragraph on why bertholdt is sus bc he’s all but disappeared at this point 😐 felt bad bc it felt like i was slandering him unnecessarily and i knew i should be nice to him bc you like him and i didn’t want to hurt your feelings. i stare at the draft for weeks. decide to go back and look for bertholdt bc i felt like i had missed him (this brings us to current times). i see him, think he’s an okay guy, however seeing him also just leads to me gathering even more evidence that he’s sus. am panicking bc i want to share my thoughts but i don’t know how you will react. this leads to me tentatively telling you about how i think he’s pretty cool so you can see that i am NOT a bertholdt hater. slowly start mentioning my suspicions of a few different characters, etc. you know how it goes from there. i wanted to say it was bertholdt when i sent you that message but i chickened out idk so i was like “haha, this is NOT my official guess okay <3” 😍 grrr the fact that rn i was just going to be like “it’s bertholdt kristy. i know it and you don’t have to tell me i’m right because i already know i am” because i was like okay, we’re good friends at this point, anything i say will be fine <3 plus i was tired of living with this burden of knowledge AND NOW YOU’VE TAKEN THE REVEAL AWAY FROM ME that’s it, i’m going to find a new fav and not tell you about them and make you guess who it is. this is what you deserve.

he’s always been vaguely on my radar but anyway the point is i kept trying to figure out where he was but i’m blind so therefore i assumed he was up to no good. now that i have looked for him and seen him, i still believe he is up to no good (I MEAN THIS IN A NICE WAY PLEASE DO NOT HATE ME). omg i have things to say about him but i still don’t want to be mean 😭 he must have redeeming qualities bc you like him??? but. he gives me certain ~vibes~ LIKE LITERALLY LOOK AT HIM just standing there with reiner (speaking of which reiner is not off the hook either)

gahhh okay i should really just show you the theories thing okay it’s not so much theories now that i look at it but more so my thoughts on the characters i wrote bc slowly it’s becoming more and more irrelevant the more we talk so like... give me a sec and i’ll show you. ugh you know what i won’t even bother to edit it, you’ll see my RAW thoughts 😭 they haven’t really changed much anyway because i haven’t watched much aot lately. just use ur intuition and you’ll be able to tell which thoughts have changed for me 💆‍♀️ (read as: anything i say about “where is bertholdt” = he was there all along but i accidentally ignored him) he’s so endearingly cute tho... i am infuriated because i cannot love all these characters. this show... how does it do this to me. also you said you really hope i like whoever it is and i feel like for all the other characters it’s very obvious i’d like them bc they’re all so AKDKDKDK. plus i talked about how much i loved most of them anyway, he was one of the few i barely discussed my feelings about 👀

when we were talking about him i just KNEW you wanted to scream about how much you love him. i was like “do it kristy DO IT prove me right” but ur self control is unmatched, i could never. like you sprinkled in some praise for the other characters but i knew who you were REALLY thinking about ;))))) I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TOOK AWAY THE CHANCE FOR THE REVEAL AWAY FROM ME this is the equivalent of instantly knowing the answer to a question as soon as the teacher says it but then someone raises their hand faster than you 😐

hhhggg this is getting long but you wanted to know your type as i see it? (okay i just noticed you said “taste” actually but whatever, same thing) dude, bertholdt is the BLUEPRINT for all the guys you like rn. so sweet... like ur suga selfship. it’s so clear. potentially will do something i don’t want to say evil buuuuut, like hello??? DABI. there’s more but you get the point. the day you tell me you don’t like someone like bertholdt is the day i give up on eren. HAHA THERE’S SUCH A PATTERN plus the fact that bertholdt is legit all of those qualities rolled into one??? perfection. also before i even watched the show i saw pictures of him and he looked like someone you’d like so i kind of had that idea in my head from before to look out for him but i kept forgetting his name bc i can’t spell so i was like “who was that guy again” AND I COULDN’T SEARCH HIM UP BC I DIDN’T KNOW HIS NAME... oops? wowww if i wasn’t so shy and scared of you telling me i was wrong and then never talking to me again we would have been done with this whole thing a looooong time ago damn

matching icons yes omg reiner 🥰 he’s all mine now 🥰 damn wait i just changed my icon and i kind of like the vibes it gives off for me. hmm tbf i’ve been meaning to change up my theme and make a new header but i’ve been lazy. it was going be a cute dark blue/purple halloween theme but </3 yeah. i even had the pictures ready and i just had to edit them akjajsjsj. so if you have a bertholdt quote that means i should have a reiner one right? 👀 well he’s said eren’s name before right? so i’ll just keep my current title 🥰 JKJK AJSNSJAJJA i’ll go look for something. hhhggg wait okay can we do them for november? i know i’m going to want a change when november comes 😭 it’ll be like cleanse from october bc man is life kicking my ass rn. plus if i do it rn i’m going to be obsessed with making the new theme PERFECT and i just Do Not have the time to be busy graphic designing my blog 😭 I’M SO EXCITED FOR THEM TOO but ahhh man i love designing things like this so i’m going to be so focused on that. the fact that i briefly considered changing to an eren icon at one point but then i thought you would judge me </3 yes i have a problem with my obsession, what of it also we are more than just buddies, we’re practically aot soulmates at this point because we keep liking the different halves of all the iconic pairs. jean/marco, reiner/bertholdt... um okay well only those two but yeah i’m just kidding, buddy is good hehe that’s so cute omg pls use that 🥰

okay i hope ur happy, i have just exposed all of my thoughts. this is what you deserve for your precious boy so here ❤️ also i was feeling bad and was about to ask you if it’s okay to be sus of bertholdt because he’s truly a cute baby to me plus he has ur heart so maybe he’s truly good :( but then i remembered you like the villains in bnha so i wouldn’t put it past you to like someone who may or may not do something... suspicious. so i will be deciding myself who’s sus and who isn’t 😠😌 no criticism allowed this man is UP TO SOMETHING it’s always the quiet ones

ALSO I WAS GOING TO GO BACK AND LOOK FOR HIM EITHER WAY I SWEAR not just bc you mentioned him!!! 😭 he was always in the back of my mind ❤️ well i didn’t know exactly who he was but i was vaguely like okay the tall soft one... need to look out for him for kristy’s sake. okay maybe you DID influence me in some way to go look for him because technically i only ever even considered him bc he stood out as someone you’d like. but ur right, so underrated 😭 lo siento bertholdt u are actually too cute for this world and i am a dummy for not realizing that sooner :(

anyway now back to our regularly scheduled program of me talking about the armored titan ❤️ whoever you are mr. armor pls hmu ily ❤️ poor reiner watching me be unloyal rn. so weird that i’m going through a phase for both of them but here we are. this stupid titan is the only thing i’m looking forward to in the rest of the trost arc and if he doesn’t show up i’m going to wail pls,,,,,

mwah yes do ur hw kristy very good. i will not do mine but that’s okay ❤️ ur the responsible one out of the two of us also the fact that you said my response to your last ask was soft and now here i’m boderline yelling at you about bertholdt... duality please talk to me about how much you love bertholdt now or else ❤️

[seancekitsch]

first observations from the trailer

ok so the worlds ending 11/25/63, three days after jfk gets murked, so im assuming central plot is going to mimic dallas arc a lot more. they gotta put time right and kill jfk to save the world. im assuming if he lives theres gonna be a worldwide nuclear winter bc theres tanks deployed, destroyed buildings and you see the nuclear launches and the trajectory of where each country with nuclear access is sending their bombs, no one is safe. also confirmed five is the last one to come back and everyone else has kinda made a new life for themselves. but its so nice to see hazel back!! maybe he snuck agnes back with him?? we have ten days to save the world!!!

ok im just gonna go down the line as reggie boi labeled the siblings as useful to him so starting with #1

luther- is comfortable with his body??? hes shirtless as fuck in that trailer. first in the fighting ring and then in front of that explosion. i think hes learning to be himself without the number one label and hes doing a lot of growing. hes also the first one five calls for??

diego- that nerdist article said hes gonna be the one in charge trying to bring the lil fam back together again so i am excited to see that. he also looks so attractive sos i like the long hair so much. but uhh it looks like hes also in some kind of mental hospital? so i guess thats where he finds lila? also shes a possible love interest? bc like for a brief second you can see her grab his face

allison- looks like shes gonna be a really strong player this season and have a good relationship finally with her sister. also, shes participating in a sit in! shes 100% going to be a part of the civil rights movement in this season and she DOES in fact have her voice, so if they do the twins arc from the comics theyre gonna have to find a new way to manipulate her and use her voice. 

klaus- i wanna join his cult, like so badly. his cult looks fun, and hes 100% using the fact that hes from the future and his powers to become a prophet. which, like, i dont blame him thats lit as hell. i dont hate the beard as much as i thought it would and it looks like it gets shaved quickly. he also learns how to drive??? i think with all the blue looking blasts we see in the trailer hes gonna learn how to use more of his powers bc his powers manifestations were blue last season. also it really looks like hes just not tryna find dave so either he already tried and it was a no go or hes moved on and learned to live with it.

five is the last to show up. hes also going to be going back and forth between the commision and the group just like last time, and he has the added advantage this time around of his siblings all having gone through this already and not only knowing the past but the future. they know how to find people that would have been alive in this time period and how history turned out if all goes well with them stopping the apocalypse. can they give him mr pennycrumb the dog whos only powers are being adorable??? and he eats ice cream?

ben is still dead what the fuck/???? but he seems to be more fleshed out as a character this season and i cannot wait to see more of him. a good good boy all i can say is im excited. 

vanya- nerdist confirmed her amnesia so she gets to move on without her trauma and shes got like??? a gf and step kids??? i hope. but other than that we get to see her dancing with klaus and allison and i hope the three of them get to bond and be cute and she deserves to have fun with her family and when she eventually regains her memory i hope it can be growth and easing from her pain. also her just existing probably puts missy and her kids in a lot of danger and imdb isnt showing how many episodes theyre in as of the last time i checked. 

the swedes- im assuming are carmichaels top assassins sent for the umbrella academy specifically bc of how royally they screwed up the 2019 end of the world. we see diego face off against them a lot in the trailer. 

carmichael- FISH HEAD FISH HEAD FISH HEAD im SOOOOO EXCITED TO SEE CARMICHAEL SOS IM SCREAMING I THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA DO IT AND THEN THEY SAID NIC CAN HAVE A LITTLE CARMICHAEL AS A TREAT my favorite little sadistic shubunkin top authority of the temps!!!

lila- marry me bih. she looks so cute and fun. imdb confirms shes in every episode so shes not gonna get fridged like patch. she seems cool i want to see her constantly. im sure just being near diego makes her a target for the swedes as well. 

the monocle- reggie boiiiiiii i think theyre gonna discuss more of his origins and whether or not hes actually human. im assuming the fuckin tiki bar is his house bc hes a rich weirdo. dont forget even tho he was a piece of shit hes probably a really really really useful superscientist for the hargeeves siblings right now in the current time period. 

pogo- were gonna see his origin story, and by that delve deeper into reggies work with super intelligence and chimps. im excited, and now maybe we will get a pogo that since hes younger is less willing to hide things from the kids later if they save the world and then regular time plays out and theyre born 20 years later and all. 

[thephantomporg84]

I’ve seen [REDACTED] mentioning D and V’s “small dicks” a lot and I’m trying to figure out where it comes from. Are they sex repulsed - as shown by interactions with @fuckporg or are they acting like a femme incel over being sore over being rejected?

Before I say anything else, I’d just like to point out that while I think being ace is just as valid as any other orientation, and that is completely fine to be aromatic (or anything else), I absolutely do not think [REDACTED] fits any of these.

She’s actually made borderline misandrist comments like that one before (see #7). I feel like it’s partly because she thinks that’s a legitimately cutting insult (she’s pretty delusional, it’s not unreasonable) and partly because she’s been turned down/rejected/whatever (and given her personality, she probably thinks it’s nothing to do with her).

I read that whole exchange too. Big YikeS. Her behavior is so close to a typical femcel/incel that it’s actually....really gross to watch imo. I don’t condone some of the shit said by that person (slurs) but they kind of...exposed a lot. Or really, inadvertently confirmed what I’d suspected and got bonus death threats for.

So I don’t go off rambling (lol), lemme just throw out some points I find interesting that may help you find the answer you’re looking for. Make of them what you will:

She’s absolutely obsessive to the point of almost hyperfixating on other people’s relationships and/or sex lives from my observation. People think Vergil’s attractive? Whores. People ship Vergil x their OC? Whores. Guys that Vergil is hot? f-slur and/or whores.

Building off that, she’s tried to make fun of married and engaged ppl’s relationships when she gets countered with them with “I hope he beats you/cheats on you/etc.” which is, imo, super fucking telling of her own relationships (if any).

I’ve never seen a person who genuinely doesn’t experience romantic and/or sexual attraction or whatever actively try to shit on people who do like she does. Especially anyone that does over a character that she likes/used to like. I’m not saying it can’t happen, but it just strikes me as incredibly odd. The ace people I know/am friends with irl and online have never done that and are, more often than not, on the receiving end of shitty/exclusionary behavior.

She says “oh I only have a passing interest in sex”, yet her fucking alien abduction/concubine Kylo Ren smut (that I can’t ever unsee jfc) existing kinda seems reaaaally contradictory. And not just on the “Kylo Ren apologist” front.

(Not linking to the Kylo Ren smut bc I respect you as a person, Anon. If you’re morbidly curious just search her old username and scroll for a bit or browse #submissions on my main page. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, tho.)

She kept calling @brasspetalsx — who I cannot stress enough was 16 at the time — a whore constantly when her “I bet you abuse animals” tactic didn’t work, and when when [REDACTED] got called “unfuckable” them, she went fucking berserk. Like... ape shitt. I think the death and rape threats either started that evening or the next day, and would you like to guess what her new favorite insult was? Those are just some of the ones I got. That word is probably in more of her OG death threats than not. To everyone. Like all 50 of us.

She gets even angrier if you play up your sexuality as a come back or aren’t phased by the digs at your sexuality and/or appearance. Those netted me subsequent death/rape threats in triplicate or more. The ones you see are only the coherent ones. Lmfao.

Idk. I’m used to observing patterns of behavior, and she just seems to have a really telling one, especially in this regard. She honestly has a lot of the traits of both a typical narcissist (can do no wrong, thinks her opinion is the only correct one/one of value, her writing is superior to everyone’s so why don’t people want to read it, etc.) and a vulnerable narcissist (same as the other but low self-esteem, absolutely no criticism, etc.)

[komakitigerdrop]

Apparently I didn't express myself accurately. As you said indeed, certain scenes don't mean anything, so my question is, what scenes would actually mean something? (I'm being hypothetical, not trying to say existing scenes mean anything.) Or are you going to keep believing in YxF even after something big happened between MxF/TxF/YC/AxF? I'm the kind who buys whatever couple the author sells, but I'm curious about shippers loyal to one specific couple.

Ahh, thank you for sending another ask. I was not pleased with my previous answer either - I was pressed for time and didn’t articulate my ideas very well.

I think that the best way to answer your ask is to break it down into a few different parts, if you don’t mind. I will hide it under a cut so that I don’t clutter people’s dashboards.

1. About Shipping

I am not the kind that buys whatever couple the author sells, just because I am not naturally invested in most fictional couples (regardless of media type - I guess I am either too cynical, or just overly realistic). I read other mangas and in most of them, either only one couple draws my attention, or none. I find most of the tropes used in yaoi either dumb, childish or both. That is all to say that I hardly ever find myself emotionally invested in a fictional couple, but when I do… I do.

2. About Finder specifically

This part will merge with the next, “scenes that matter”. The reason why I can’t bring myself to find Mikhail and Fei a believable/interesting couple is because their relationship is not organic. By organic, I mean: something that was construed over time, something that followed a trail, that was built upon events that primarily existed to advance other parts of the story. Finder started in 2002. Fei Long and Mikhail were introduced in 2007. For twelve years, FxM interactions were limited and emotionless. Even their sex scene in Volume 9 was a transaction. Nothing was built to suggest any kind of emotional connection between these two individuals, nothing was said, on the page, about either of them being remotely interested in starting a romance.

Bear with me here.

Reason being, Fei Long was a character created to gravitate around Asami. The crux of his existence in the manga was always the relationship with this one man, the feelings for this one man. No one else. Not Mikhail, not Tao, not Yoh. Flash forward to 2018, and YA gives us that iconic scene in which Fei Long ships Akihito and Asami to a desert island, and I think that this is the gamechanger. Now Fei Long is in a position to move on.

Coincidentally, we readers are given back Yoh and a sex scene with Mikhail in the same damn chapter.

Two suitors with feelings for him.

On one hand, Yoh, whose feelings he admitted to Fei Long in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Of course he was not reciprocated. Then, there was Finder no Rakuin, in which their affection was mutual. Had its plot not been written by Yamane Ayano herself, dialogues reviewed and all,  I would happily cast it aside as “non-canon”. But it was, so I won’t. If one accepts Finder no Souen as canon to explain Kuroda and Asami, then one needs to accept Finder no Rakuin as canon to explain the feelings Fei Long and Yoh have for each other. I won’t label those feelings because in all honesty, I wouldn’t know how to. Fei Long’s heart was not within reach, and yet Yoh still managed to touch it. There is a connection between those two men based on trust, on forgiving, and yes - on physical pleasure. It delivers in all fronts.

You ask, what would be necessary to convince me that Mikhail is the real deal? I’d say, I would need to see him deliver in those three fronts. I’m sorry, but a night of sex in exchange for a favor, and a moment of compassion after a session of torture won’t cut it for me. Mikhail going to see Yuri, as I mentioned before, was due to concern and a sense of duty - but in all honesty, he is not the first and won’t be the last to put his ass on the line for Fei Long. Akihito did it. Asami did it. Yoh did it. Do they all get a ticket to Fei’s heart? If they do, then what is the point?

It was the need to save Asami that ultimately brought Fei Long and Mikhail together. It was not mutual attraction, interest, or compatibility of values/goals/personalities. What happens when Asami is safe and sound? Has Mikhail made that much of an impression that his presence in Fei Long’s life will be justified long after their current shenagigans get sorted out?

Again: maybe yes. Maybe YA will find a way to make Mikhail relevant, maybe the road she chooses is a passionate romance. But will that convince me that she is “picking Mikhail over Yoh”? No. Because these two relationships do not compare. Mikhail is an open flame, Yoh is a slow burning amber. It’s just who they are, it’s what they have to offer. Their purposes and benefits as “love interests” are very, very different. And yes, I will even say that Fei Long might have a thing with Mikhail, but is Mikhail going for the marathon or just a sprint? As I said, things change. A moment of tenderness does not equal a love affair; a love affair does not equal a lifelong commitment. YA, smart woman she is, will probably leave both doors open until the very end, because with Fei Long, she can do whatever she wants with his love life. She can give us all or nothing, then have Tao reach age of 21 and join the race as well.

And I bet she will have a load of fun playing with our emotions.

(She does it so well, tho!)

Part 3: About scenes that matter

I will talk about the scenes that don’t matter: the ones that could easily be removed from the manga without any harm to the characters’ development or to the plot. My favorite example: the infamous Sakazakigate. I might come here later to post an apology but it does look like sensei completely abandoned that idea (she had Sakazaki record a video of the whole thing and never used it. Why? What was the point of it?)

In terms of Fei Long and Mikhail: I might be wrong about this one as well, but I think we never got confirmation that is was Mikhail who got the temple set on fire in exchange for Sudou’s info about the goods. Which is a shame, because this demonic deal could easily contribute to his hero journey if it was revealed that Mikhail himself sent Sakazaki to warn Akihito about the fire (hence double-crossing Sudou. Or triple-crossing - who knows at this point!)

I could backtrack and find more scenes that existed for apparently no reason but this is too long already. My point is: scenes that don’t matter are those that promise great waves and in the end, fall short. Time will tell how much of the current arc will have an impact in the future - do the scenes between Fei Long and Asami when they are saving each other’s lives really mean this new phase of their relationship or were they there just for the action? Does Fei Long’s moment of tenderness with Mikhail indicate that the doors are open for romance? If yes, will we see that romance now, later, two years from now?

All in all… the scenes that matter the most are those that change characters and the story in some kind of irrevocable way. I think certain scenes in Finder no Souen did that to Asami, same can be said to Fei Long in Finder no Rakuin. And those scenes cannot be invalidated by any other future scenes, because they happened, the people involved in them changed, the mark was made.

I will continue to celebrate Yoh and Fei Long simply because their past and everything they went through, their trust, their synergy, all of that deserves to be celebrated. If Fei Long ends up with Tao, then be it. With Mikhail, okay. If he ends up alone, okay too. There is more than one type of relationship between two people and that’s what I’m here for.

[klanced]

here are all my dnd episode hot takes bc i love it so much

I’m guessing that, besides being the team’s mascot/furry, Lance also functions as a tracker of sorts. 

His posture (squatting on the ground), the fact that he looks like he’s holding something (like mayhaps a scooped up bit of dirt), the way he’s looking over his shoulder as he gives the team his Opinion, the way they all seem decidedly unimpressed at his deductions considering he only sniffed dirt- Fantasy Tracker™, Babey!

Anyway, going off that, it looks like the party is trying to track something (a monster? Lotor’s character? Keith’s?).

I bet Pidge’s armor makes her super top-heavy. If she fell over, she’d look like a turtle on its back.

Also I can’t get over her CHICKEN ARMS and her BIGASS double-bladed axe like. She really is going all out huh.

I’m also digging the fact that Shiro is wearing a full-on black cloak in the middle of a somewhat sunny forest while hanging with his crew. King of wishing he stayed home! King of withdrawing from others!

I’m already in love with this episode like this is DEFINITELY going to be one of my top five favorite episodes. I feel it in my nerd loving bones.

I sincerely hope that whatever their riding is some big scary monster that scared the pants off everyone except for Allura, who immediately befriended it. Bonus points if there’s a scene where she rubs its tummy.

Maybe it’s some personification/manifestation of the White Lion? Idk, I never finished Season 5 so I don’t really know what’s up with Allura and the White Lion, but this could be a reference to that ep.

I saw a post where someone said that could be Keith’s character which is hilarious and I fully endorse.

... Y’know what? I bet whatever the team is tracking in the first pic ends up being the animal they’re riding in the second.

This is your daily reminder that I am a BIG lesbian who is in LOVE with Allura! 

LIKE HELLO? THE PURPLE BODYSUIT? FLAWLESS. THE HAIR? CURLED AND FLOWING. HER EARS? POINTER THAN HER ARROWS, AND TWICE AS DEADLY. LEGOLAS SAW HER OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE AND IMMEDIATELY WENT HOME.

I love her.

But seriously, just LOOK at her. She woke up that morning and she decided that yes, actually, she IS going to be That Bitch™! She’s winning the award for best dressed, and she damn well knows it.

I’m also still not over that one curled bang like UGH. YES. And the purple theme she’s rocking?? The way they almost match her pastel glowing marks? Her arrow feathers???? Cupid lined up the shot at my heart, and Her aim was true!

Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t Allura’s eyes a bit bluer than normal??? Are these.... Fantasy Contacts™?

This is pure speculation, but in my opinion it looks like Allura’s character isn’t a princess. Her armory is fancy, but she lacks Allura’s usual “crown” (it’s not really a crown, but I can’t find the proper word for it lol). Which is interesting! And if true, would confirm some of my meta on Allura lol.

........... I just realized that Hunk isn’t actually bald at the top of his head, but is instead wearing a green hat. And you know what? I’ll take the Rock Lee look over the monk bowl cut any day.

He still looks like Doctor Strange took a vacation in the Earth Kingdom, but y’know what? We still stan. I mean, the beard alone is absolutely legendary, so quite frankly? Hunk’s outfit may be weird as hell, but he still looks good. Case closed! Legends only!

Hunk’s collar is popped because he’s too busy mmmmmmmmmmblockin out the haters.

His belly button is glowing. Absolute legends only.

Also what the hell, Hunk’s sideburns look so good??? His Fantasy Barber™ is a god????? Like OOF, that cut? That fade? Can he please call his barber and ask them to fix Kuron’s hair?? Lol.

Hunk lookes like he’s playing as some kind of monk/sage class, which really tickles my fancy because Hunk as a defensive magic user is (Allura voice) absolutely divine. I mean, just look at that staff! He could either heal you or hurt you with that borderline club, let’s leave it at that.

The longer I stare at his beard the more unbelievable it gets. How did he cultivate such a majestic lock of hair? He has absolutely no facial except for this single 1″ by 1″ square. Hunk is incredibly powerful.

Voltron really wants me dead, huh. Like, they want to loot my wallet from my cold dead corpse and spend my last two dollars at Starbucks. That’s the only explanation for... this.

He looks like if Kaden from Fire Emblem Fates had a baby with Odd from Code Lyoko and that baby raided the closet of Mako from Legend of Korra.

If he has a tail, I will go full on nuclear winter, mark my fucking words.

If his ears so much as TWITCH I will really lose it I am not joking. Voltron has gone TOO FAR, and I will be the one to end it.

Okay I might be imagining things but in the picture on the left, it looks like Lance still has a right earlobe/right ear, so uh. What’s up with that. Does Lance just have four goddamn ears. Are his furry ears fake? Oh my god, is Lance faking being furry kin?

If he has claws tho, I can accept that because that’s cool as hell. I’ll also tolerate Lance having sharp canines, but only if he’s constantly biting his tongue lol.

Lance is wearing quite a bit of jewelry for someone whose clothes look like shit which begs the question of how... he has them. 

If Voltron makes Lance’s dnd character a thief we riot.

Also his facial markings look like Krolia’s which is either a funny coincidence, OR the dnd episode takes place after Keith reunites with the team and introduces them to Krolia, and Lance’s markings are inspired by hers. Which is cute.

I honestly cannot tell if she’s wearing a furry cape or if that’s just her hair, but either way I’m loving it. You go, you fierce little warrior you!

I JUST NOTICED THAT HER SHOULDERS ARE AS BROAD/BROADER THAN HUNK’S NOW GHSKDGHDJGSDGDS

I mentioned this in a different post but I genuinely thought Pidge was going to be a rogue or some sort of magic user, so DPS/Tank Pidge has completely blindsided me and I’m loving every second of it.

Pidge doesn’t roleplay based on her actual self and personality. No, she’s creating Fantasy Pidge™ for a Fantasy World™ which means living out every wild dream she’s ever had!!! She’s chaotic neutral bitch and LOVING it.

She has a DOUBLE-BLADED AXE and it it’s not at least 3/4 her size then what, pray tell, is the point. I want Pidge to heft her axe around like it’s nothing, and then when she puts it down it literally shakes the ground. That’s the ultimate power move.

Lance being a goddamn furry PROVES the existence of other Fantasy Races™ so fingers crossed that Pidge decides to play a dwarven character to explain why she’s so short ghdkjsghdkjs

Pidge looks so happy in the second pic. This really is the best day of her life. 

(ZOOMS IN ON THE SECOND PICTURE) YO IS THAT A CROWN???? 👀👀

Okay but seriously, if Shiro’s character is a prince/king I will EXPLODE!!!! Let Shiro make a dnd character with an unnecessarily tragic and dramatic backstory!! Let Shiro roleplay as a prince on a mission to avenge his fallen kingdom and free his people!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That would also explain why Shiro is constantly wearing a black cloak and hiding his beautiful, perfect face. Because he’s on the run and has to stay undercover, bitch!

NGL, I’m a lesbian but I stared at the second picture of Shiro for a good ten seconds. Mostly because Shiro’s hair looks really, really good, and it’s a balm to my eyes after season 4 and 5.

Also, I just realized, his crown/coronet/WHATEVER is in the same place/represents his tuft of white hair! You can see this most clearly in the first pic :3c That’s so cute!

I’ll admit, I’m a little disappointed because at first, I thought Shiro was wielding a gigantic two-handed sword, which is absolutely badass and kickass. However, on closer examination I can see what looks to be a shield strapped to Shiro’s back (apparently over the cloak, which is weird lol), so Shiro most likely wields a so-called “one-handed” sword.

I won’t lie, for a hot second I thought Shiro might be wielding a club or something because I couldn’t see a sword hilt, but if you look at the left picture really closely, you can see what looks to be a black sword hilt. I did some googling, because swords are cool, and I’d guess Shiro’s sword is based off a knightly sword.

[lotusheirs]

timeline!

aka what the hap is fuckening with the twins

they’re born to the pack alpha of the fushimi inari shrine in kyoto, but twins were considered a bad omen, and the parents were ordered to either kill one, or leave

the father, ren, decided to leave with the firstborn, shinjou, thinking his mate, chou, and the younger son, shinzou, deserved to stay with the pack they considered family

the twins are separated too young, they don’t remember one another, nor do they know the other exist until their parents mention it when they’re older

they’re identical at this point, the only way to tell them apart is to look for shinzou’s birth deficiency in the form of a floppy ear

shinzou

shinzou basically gets treated like a prince, brought up as the next alpha, despite some of the other kitsune still scoffing at him

devoted to his mother, stubborn and determined to make her proud

asks too many questions about dad

learns he has a twin, cue even more questions

develops the mentality of being the unwanted child, that his life doesn’t matter, and all the world needs is his brother;  he covers it up, but it plagues him for his entire life

learned how to pretend because of this from a very young age, deals with his issues alone

his mother starts to get sick, and she knows it’s the beginning of her heartbreak due to prolonged separation from her mate.  she doesn’t tell shinzou this

he gets desperate, and one night goes to beseech inari for a blessing

gets caught in a blast from a field test of the early prototype biological weapons containing the angel gene;  his right hand, chest, neck, and face get badly burned

thinks it’s a curse from inari, and turns againist his clan, saying they’re serving and woshipping a  ‘false god’

gets exiled, is ordered to take his mother with him.  she’s weakened and cannot fight this, and shinzou is too young to really stand up againist everyone, but he tries

not that he succeeds

cue his lifelong hatred of gods and anything divine

he, nor his kin in general, has ever been around humans, so has troubles adapting.  knows basic glamours at least, though

his life revolves around saving his mother

they live in a small forested area at the outskirts of the city

when his burns heal at least a little bit, he starts job hunting, eventually landing something in one of kyoto’s strip clubs, where he goes under the work name  ‘kessho’

works as both a stripper and an escort

his fur and hair that had been damaged in the fire grew back black, so now half his hair is black, along with his right ear.  also, his right eye turned red, half of his right eyebrow never grew back, nor did his eyelashes.  rocked the undercut haircut for a while, as his hair grew back

one night after his shift, he’s approached by a stranger claiming to know he’s not human, and pressures him into joining their organization

he only agrees out of desperation and under the promise that they can cure his mother

it’s revealed to him that they’re an angel hunting organization, and that if he helps them, they could easily develop a cure for chou.  shinzou has no clue what this is all about, but he’d do anything for his mother

so they take them from kyoto to maebashi, the city where the phenomen originated from

as it turns out, the hunters couldn’t quite trust a youkai, and so he’s ensnared and branded againist his will, with a spell placed upon him that effectively makes him their slave

the brand is the kanji for the number four  ( 四 )  in a circle on his left inner wrist.  its symbolism represents that this contract is for life  ( read as  shi, same as 死, meaning death  )

they do that, along with taking his star orb, which is essentially his soul taken physical form, and use it as means to keep him in check

hides the brand with a thick leather bracelet

his job is hunting down angels around the city and it’s neighborhood, though sometimes he’d receive an order to go even further afield

his free time is limited, so he strikes a part-time job at a local strip club once more, to have some cash of his own, given the hunters don’t really give him anything

he’s not aware that his mother is used as just another test subject for the angel experiments, and she keeps quiet about it aswell, not wanting her son to worry

what’s worse, her natural eye color is red, so as the mutation takes effect, shinzou doesn’t notice the difference

one day meets a boy, kaede, shy and softspoken, who approaches him when he sees shinzou getting harassed by some stranger who most probably knew him from the strip club, given he was asking for a  freebie

they start hanging out together, pretty much all the time when shinzou has the time

never tells him he’s an angel hunter, given that the boy has angel eyes himself, doesn’t want to put him in dager

as it turns out, he’s the first angel ever created;  he suffered from a terminal blood disease, but this new  ‘cure’  helped him live.  this gives him more hope for his mother to survive, too

things get gAY, they even mate

somewhere along the way he fucks up, and the organization he works for discovers he knows the identity of the first angel, and is ordered to hunt him down and bring him in, alive

is faced with a dilemma, but in the end chooses his family over his love life

so things get angsty, but shinzou eventually does return with the first angel, only to find his mother dead

he never learns how it happened, never really has it confirmed that they’ve been experimenting on her, but the thing is that supernatural creatures don’t handle the angel gene well, and with her already being weak and bed-ridden, she eventually succumbed to it.  he has his suspicions that that’s what happened, but still

also, neither does he learn that she was dying of heartbreak

anyway, he gets mad, forgets his orders, turns into a big bad fox and burns everything

going againist his owners means extreme pain, given the brand, but he endures.  ends up limping and not being able to use his left arm for quite some time

retrieves his star orb along the way, but it doesn’t fully free him from this slavery, since the brand persists  ( more on that later )

his mate survives the destruction, but no one else does.  they rendezvous outside the burning facility, where shinzou bids him goodbye as he feels the need to bring his mother’s body back to kyoto for burial + he needs to deal with his grief

promises he’ll be back tho

shinjou

compared to his brother, shinjou and his father got into a more direct contact with the angel phenomen.  they’re dragged into the more underground business, the criminal side of all this.  they remain in kyoto, though

they’re just as inexperienced around humans, which ends up in the current yakuza head taking their star orbs to have them under their command

they’re manipulated, given the illusion of power, of being in the lead while they’re really not

the yakuza progresses to be one of the most successful groups in the whole angel business, eventually going as far as actually conducting their own experiments, and starting their reign of terror, as they spread the stigma of angels being lesser than humans, that they’re monsters to be contained

the human trafficking begins

ren and shinjou become the first of the yakuza to be infected with the virus voluntarily, their morals and world views so skewed at this point that they’ve become power hungry  ---  ren especially, and shinjou is brought up in his example

shinjou is raised with the regime of all work, no play.  he becomes detached from society, from other people around him, all that matters is that he successfully walks in his father’s footsteps and makes him proud

shinjou’s mutation is cultivated in such a way that it surpasses what the first angel is  ---  he’s mostly a myth as of right now, but they know little tidbits here and there, and believe him to be the greatest specimen, and want shinjou to revolutionize this

he sees this as an honor really

develops a twisted mentality of angels being  beautiful,  rather than monsters, and thinks the world would be better off if everyone became one

he still goes all wrong about this.  i mean, constant torture and terrorism really isn’t going to make the world feel the same smh

eventually, his father succumbs to the angel genes, much like his mate.  this is what triggers the chain reactions of both parents dying, and when shinzou goes to destroy the facility he was  ( is )  chained to

shinjou becomes the next boss abruptly, and still relies on his advisors  ( aka the people owning his star orb at the moment, and the ones actively manipulating him as their pawn )

his father’s death drives him into more aggressive experiments with himself, this is also the time when he starts becoming more interested in the scientific side of all this;  aka where his mad scientist label comes from

he goes too far, so much so that it starts affecting his brain even more than the poor parenting already had, and he starts hearing voices, becomes unable to sleep  ---  and when he does, he always has to deal with sleep paralysis  ---  and even starts coughing up blood every now and then

ofc doesn’t stop SMH

he renames the yakuza to  ‘order of the lotus’  in his father’s honor, and their new insignia becomes the lotus flower

he’s the reason japan no longer views the lotus as a symbol of something good and pure, nor do they use the word  ‘angel’  as a term of endearment anymore

many have attempted to stop him, but to no avail

eventually gets a new cop, ciro, on his tail, who turns out to be an angel himself, with a very unique mutation  ---  the ability to see the past and future, to see through lies and illusions

thanks to this, he’s always a step ahead of shinjou and naturally he gets furious

game of cat and mouse begins but then it also gets gay along the way??

their relationship starts out as just friends with benefits, and only gets more toxic as time goes on

he learns that his new  ‘friend’  was actually originally trying to stop his own father, who was revealed to be shinjou’s current biggest rival in the angel business, someone who actually actively tried breeding angels for better results

shinjou kind of persuades the man to side with him, and their union eventually end in his rival’s demise

so shinjou basically gets the whole country for himself, gg

they end up mating aswell which ends up being a horrible mistake lmao

still, ciro also helps shinjou to free himself from his  ‘advisors’  influence, showing him that they were pulling the strings behind the scenes, gaining more benefits from what shinjou’s been doing that he did, himself

so shinjou gets his star orb back aswell, and is now in full control of his yakuza;  and all of kyoto, really

reunited

the twins find each other at the grove near their old home at the fushimi shrine.  as it turns out, it’s where shinjou had buried their father, and where shinzou went to bury their mother aswell

big feels time™

admittedly shinzou is a little unsettled by how unstable his brother is

shinjou tells him more in detail about the angel genes, and that he is an angel aswell, rather than it being  ‘inari’s curse’

it’s hard for shinzou to accept, but he does...  doesn’t change his opinion on the gods, though

so then he also struggles when he realizes his brother has a god complex

the happiness of finding what remained of his family was better than worrying, though, so he turned a blind eye to basically everything

shinjou gets shinzou to be the yakuza head with him, so shinzou gets a matching lotus tattoo on his spine

he doesn’t actively participate in the angel hunts and experiments his brother conducts, but he does act as a regular hitman and infiltrator, and all that angel-unrelated crime stuff

he meets ciro, and they hate each other.  constant fights and bickering

this has him trying to convince shinjou he’s not good for him, but he doesn’t listen

at one point, the twins agree to exact revenge on their clan, exacting the genocide during the full moon in july that year.  thanks to this, locals start to avoid the oldest of inari’s shrine, believing it to be haunted

the violence helps shinzou get over his grief, even if that had nothing to do with his mother’s death really

he leaves kyoto again to return to maebashi to find his mate

spends some time with him there, but some of the allies of the organization he originally worked for have tracked him down and tried to get him under their command again  ( thanks to the brand and the spell persisting )  and get the first angel

cornered, shinzou cuts off his own arm with his illusory weapons to rid himself of that link.  a price most people wouldn’t pay

he’s now truly free, but has to deal with getting himself a prosthetic and also his wounded pride;  doesn’t allow anyone to see him without the prosthetic, compensates for his ego by working out more, just basically trying to prove the world he’s  not weak

shinzou and kaede decide they should move away from maebashi, given it’s not safe for either for them, so they move to kobe rather than kyoto, because shinzou worries about what his brother might do to his mate who is the long-sought-after first angel

still comes to visit every now and then, though, only to long for leaving again given the constant disputes with his brother’s mate

still ends up hating the fact that he keeps having to choose between his brother and his mate, so he ends up talking kaede into actually moving in to kyoto with him

kaede, being the soft boy that he is, discovers shinjou has a little angel girl in his custody, and adopts her...  steals her, really

shinjou lets him have her, in exchange for his blood sample

shinzou however, disagrees on having children and makes kaede put her to orphanage

time passes, and sans the constant terror the elder twin brings, life seems good

eventually shinzou changes his mind and surprises his mate by actually adopting the little girl, papers and all

they name her chou in the memory of his mother

nothing good lasts forever, though, and shinzou and kaede end up fighting a lot, especially because shinjou’s mate ends up making sexual advances towards the fox out of spite, and it eventually ends in their break up, and  ---  given the angel’s weak psyche  ---  him taking his own life

shinzou is now left being a single mother  ( his daughter refers to him as  ‘mama’  because he encouraged her to view him as her mother figure, because other kids teased her for having two dads )

ciro doesn’t stop with his harassment, just further proving what a piece of shit he is, but shinzou is still unable to change his brother’s mind

frankly, the angel treats both twins differently, but is still a rather toxic presence in both their lives

it leads to ciro actually raping shinzou, though unfortunately for him, it involved touching the kitsune’s tails without his permission, resulting in a curse being laid upon the man that ends up eventually killing him

so essentially, shinzou’s killed his brother’s mate, something he never tells him

he becomes withdrawn from the trauma, and kind of doesn’t ever want to get in another relationship again.  goes back to stripping to deal with this, because it was about the only thing that ever made him feel good and he genuinely enjoyed it;  made him forget things, etc.

with the death of both the twins’ mates, they start feeling the heartbreak settling in, toxic relationships or not

ciro’s death also basically brings shinjou to the brink of insanity, and if he can’t have anything good, then neither can the world

cue the lowkey apocalypse

japan’s end

shinjou’s rage consumes japan;  he kills and destroys without a reason, his obsession with his mate showing

he, unlike his brother, was aware of the whole heartbreak thing

decided to have them both undergo more drastical adjustments to the angel genes in their body, forcing the parasite to keep them alive

the destruction was raw and imminent, though only in kyoto’s near vicinity.  it took years, centuries even, for the young kitsune brothers to overtake all of japan  ---  frankly, it was all mostly shinjou’s doing, but shinzou helped so he’s also guilty gnfjdkg

both shinjou’s mental and physical condition doesn’t get better, given that he accelerated the parasite’s growth

shinzou can do only so much to help him, though.  oftentimes, he’d disguise himself with a glamour of his past mate to help him deal with his loss  ( no matter how gross he felt doing it )  usually when shinjou was so sleep deprived that he believed it to just be a dream, but it was good enough to keep him at least a little sane

japan eventually becomes a prison country, where angels from all around the world are brought in, for shinjou to do whatever he pleases with themhe’s still extremely fascinated by the mutation, so really, most of them end up being lab rats as he tries various new experiments with their dna

angels may have prolonged lifespans, but they are not immortal.  and so, shinzou has to deal with the death of his daughter aswell

they’re alone, have no one but each other, they’re sick, both mentally and physically, they’re withdrawn, dangerous, and unpredictable

despite all that, technology thrives.  the surviving angels form a resistance, and where shinjou focuses on the biological, they focus on the technological

lots of current angels have various cybernetic implants and microchips to enhance them further to actually stand a chance in this war

what shinjou does, is to actively shut down more and more power plants to make the country fully dependant on him, given he commands the element of lightning, it’s easy for him to provide electricity to his surroundings.  ofc, this is limited by his age, but it’s a gradual process

[niteowlsabinewren]

My Nightmare Ends

Take my lips

Kiss me sweet

Take my feelings

Stop me from sweating fear

My sweet nightmares end.

Saturnus, I long (from Veronica Decides To Die album).

Synopsis: this story started as AU, but soon I surrendered to the fact I swallowed more than I could chew. So it was ultimately transformed into 5-chapters of nightmares and inadvertent manipulation of the Force bond that ended in some unexpected results. Kylo Ren wakes up as the First Order general after a successful coup against Snoke staged by him and other high ranking generals (something similar to how German generals ultimately rebelled against Hitler). He is deeply depressed ever since Han’s death and meets Rey on Coruscant under rather twisted circumstances. There’s happy ending, tho: I’m not only a perv, I’m also a sappy perv.

References to 2004 film “Closer” (because Padme Amidala working as a stripper was too alluring to this basic Reylo bitch brain of mine to pass unexploited), mature content warning and a trigger warning for mental illness.

“They understood: in every alternate reality of the multiverse, the forces of destiny gathered to bind them together – the rising darkness and the light to meet it. But unlike what their masters and foes predicted, it will not be their ruin – it will be the Balance everlasting.”

 Prologue

Rey wakes up in cold sweat, again. Ben’s eyes: hungry, desperate, pleading, loving… no, Kylo Ren: the murderer, the traitor, the enemy. The strain of nightmares makes her thirsty, like an animal: she drains her meager daily ration of water in one long, greedy gulp.

She almost chokes.

I cannot drown like this, Rey muses, dark mood setting in – the Resistance needs her. Near her bed, Rose Tico sleeps, a bacta bandage still covering part of her bruised nose.

What little she managed to decipher from the Jedi texts helped her manipulate the Force to the extent she blocked any unwanted intrusion but the skill still needs some…

Fine-tuning.

*

Kylo Ren wakes up in cold sweat, again. His father’s forgiving, pleading eyes… no, Han Solo, the criminal, the murderer, the traitor. White noise he took last night makes him thirsty, like an animal: he drains the whole bottle down in two long, greedy gulps.

He almost chokes.

Gods be willing, he will choke and drown one day soon.

He needs to talk to his medical staff about these… side-effects. He either dreams of Han Solo, or of her – of Kira Rey, of her eyes full of hope and forgiveness. No: of traitor, Rebel scum, of Jedi that must be destroyed. It’s either his highs or his lows or both in these seemingly endless nightmares that border on lucid dreaming.

The White Noise does wonders for his burning sense of guilt and shame, as well as his ever looming depression, but still it demands…

adjustments.

Chapter I.

It’s the first day of his leave as the general of the First Order, General Kylo Ren. Fighting against another General, who also happens to be his mother: he was actually registered as Solo-Organa in Hanna City - all records of his existence atomized with the remainder of the Hosnian System: a deranged display of violence he didn’t condone, not even then.

But then again, he didn’t oppose it directly, either.

He would rather stay onboard Supremacy, their flying capital providing more than enough for anyone’s comfort. He has no friends and no acquaintances in the freshly re-organized First Order: only enemies, or should he say, an enemy – Armitage Hux.

But they land on Coruscant – any other planet he’d easily scorn, but it is different here. The place is probably the only soothing place left for him in the whole galaxy: everything else is just too painful or sickeningly tedious. He sighs. He takes his shuttle and his adjutants and his body guards with him, but gives them leave as soon as they land. Even they struggle to hide immense relief for being freed from his presence – and the feeling is mutual.

*

Of course, his reputation precedes him, so it proves nearly impossible to move anywhere without being noticed, feared or exalted. This sort of unwarranted attention tires him, but the rage is subdued by the White Noise. The name suits it well – he invented it. It’s exactly what it is – a constant low static, muffling the voices of guilt and pain and of his mother’s presence in the Force; muffling the Dark Side and the Light Side alike, drowning both cosmic and the life Force in him so he just remains relatively numb. It’s not an unpleasant numbness, but it’s not pleasant, either.

It’s just – nothing.

The rubbles of Jedi temple, first destroyed by the Empire, then re-erected by Luke Skywalker, then again demolished under Snoke’s orders, stand as he left them. Why is he here, anyway? Perhaps it’s because this part of the town is generally avoided: the First Order infected it with fear and threat, and the victory of the Dark Side over the remnants of the Jedi Order spread unnerving feeling, one even layman can sense. Still, this place of ruin and despair is somewhat comforting, and he doesn’t know why. Perhaps it’s because it’s so empty, and so perfectly deserted it’s almost serene; perhaps it’s because it reminds him of his own self so it alleviates his crushing loneliness.

There is some comfort in nothingness, apparently.

And there is an establishment nearby – among the many seedy taverns, coffee shops where the patrons recline in half-sleep induced by soporific aftertaste of various drugs, night clubs and casinos.

He remained loyal to the principles of the Jedi to retain the powers he so carefully nourished all these years, and then because of the wounds Snoke left in the wake of his training. Touch became first strange than insufferable to him – still, he has needs.

Roaring needs.

So in lack of better alternative, he becomes visual in his guilty pleasures: and discovers he has a thing for Twi’leks, finding sort of lustful melancholy in the fact how Empire handled Ryloth.

There is a part of him that both wants to ravish and be ravished the same way.

*

He enters the ovoid room filled with diverse and devious life forms – humans not quite human and aliens that resemble nothing of their respective species. The room is dimly lit, gilded, crimson and covered with mirrors – all of which create a nauseating effect and remind him unnervingly of the throne room: only without the corpses of Snoke and his knights, the former fellow Jedi. His own image, reflected multifold from the mirrors on the opposite side of the room, greets him like a mockery. Many frightened eyes directed his way – that fear would feed him only if he could channel it like a Knight of Ren – a skill the order subsequently passed onto Sith. Now it is only highly irritating, all those jittery bodies around him. He almost cringes at the sight of the manager, a particularly obese and conniving Jablogian that he knows from before.

„Welcome, General Ren,” the lump bows before him and his despicable neck pouches fall over one another like disgusting lard they are. „Your usual booth? And usual Twi’lek?“

„Yes,“ he squeezes through gritted teeth, abhorring the fact that he has to waste even one breath on the creature. And as he strides between the tables and patrons parting before him like tide, something else draws his attention. Something – a humming energy. Weak, but distinct. His eyes dart instinctively in the direction of the energy source as that radiance becomes brighter and stronger, even below the buzz of White Noise.

And there it is, the source. Or should he say, there she is.

Force is truly perverted, he confirms yet again.

It is one of the dancers, a young creature of no more than twenty (too young, he grunts, clenching his fists), swirling around the pole in a highly elaborate routine that was apparently more of a testament to her physicality than to her sensuality. He stops and turns away from the startled manager to come as close as he can to the podium (a group of Aqualishes vacating their table in panic as he does).

He thought it might be a delusion created by the medicine, but no: this one is strong with the Force, completely untrained and powerful, all that raw strength making a whirlwind of energies in the room, overflowing his own bridled one. Sharp jitter of frustration spikes through the White Noise: what he really wants to do is to absorb this creature energy’s signature in the Force, to see her for what she really is. Exasperated, he removed his cap in a downright breach of every First Order protocol and although mere physical vision is so crude compared to the power of the Force, still he cannot claim that he’s not being gratuitously rewarded. She should play a part of a sex slave in her metallic, copper-hued bikini, matching short wig and a narrow tail of translucent fabric in front and at the back covering exactly nothing (if anything, only accentuating her strong and well formed legs and bottom), but in his eyes she is a war goddess. He knows the air of war – he could recognize it half-dead. And that is exactly what she promises, even if unaware: the metallic surface of her ensemble reflecting the crimson lights around her so she appears as though she’s bathing in the blood of her enemies; her muscular arms flexing under golden serpent-shaped bands, her nostrils slightly expanded in deep focus, her intensely kohl-contoured eyes fixed on the target, and full lips colored deep red closed tight.

She doesn't detect the Force – she detects his hungry gaze and regards him in turn completely undeterred, even if slightly contemptuous. She sees the uniform – old Brendol Hux guided their design, so it's intentionally flashy, over-the-top, menacing sort of shameless self-promotion even when compared to the Empire, but it doesn't frighten her, none of it: his long gaberwool coat or his stature that was usually regarded as intimidating. She slides down the pole – her act is over and she is only slightly out of breath, with a shimmering, thin trail of sweat between her breasts: her face still emanating firm sense of superiority. This was her manifesto – a forewarning, directed at him.

„The girl,“ he gestures at her curtly. „Send her.“

“I must warn you, General, that one has a bad temper,” the amorphous mass of lard squeals behind him. “The only reason I hired her is because no one wants to work anymore, especially during night-shifts, with all these insurgents and rebel criminals running amok. It is so good to have your presence here, General, to restore the…”

Breaking his blabbering skull never seemed so alluring.

“I said,” he snarled. “Send her to my booth.”

And before the manager has the opportunity to defile his personal space with more sleazy flattery, he stalks away.