#but i can't since i'm with family rn
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alright that's it I'm bringing up my stupid unspecified vagina trauma in my next therapy session
#tried using a tampon again. once again did not work and now i can Feel it There and it makes me want to cry!#due to me being on my period and other such issues#girl i hate this stupid fucking thing so much. i'm gonna be honest chief i wish i just didn't have that#such a stupid fucking organ. archaic!!!!#you know WHAT if i had been amab i would be sooo hot & sexy rn because that's the way men in my family spawn#i would have had a better childhood because i wouldn't constantly have had massive gender struggles and would thus be less fucked up#and i would have a FUCKING AUTISM DIAGNOSIS BY NOW BECAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW AFAB PEOPLE CAN'T HAVE AUTISM#i would be much more confident and normal due to the way boys are socialised. and i wouldn't have this BITCHASS UGLY WRETCHED VAGINA#ohhhhh my god why wasn't i amab. kills herself#i wouldn't have tits...... oh my god my back would be intact..........#dreaming of a better world as the period hormones make me want to kill myself as is customary every month since i was 11#when i say i don't mind being a woman i'm LYING I LITERALLY MIND SO MUCH I HATE IT HERE
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man i sure wish i had the energy to do anything at all!
okay well it's not entirely true that i haven't been doing anything. i'm cooking. trust.
#meds make it so i can't really strongly differentiate between depressive episodes and regular depression#it's moreso a constant depression with random spurts of energy in between long periods of doing nothing but sleeping and working#but the art i HAVE managed to produce has gone pretty hard ngl.#i think it's also the current political climate here in america. it's hostile and i'm drifting away from my family because of it#and that's been pretty rough#it's been a gradual drift away that started in high school and has just intensified through adulthood#but i love my friends and my favs and cats and music#i think coming to terms with being disabled has been a punch to the gut since now my options SHOULD be open. but there's SO MUCH i can't do#things are looking up for me in the general sense. i'm in a good spot in my life right now but that doesn't stop the perpetual brainfog#nothing will ever really stop this everpresent depression but i'm generally stable and healthy so it is what it is#it feels good to love and be loved and that's what keeps me going#if i'm sad? sleep it off. go to work then sleep for 16 hrs a day on my days off. then work again. easy#the life of a productive little worker bee is great!#ress thinks#okay rant over. i'm not in a bad place rn dw! i just like to yap
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going to dinner with my dad, manifesting nothing going down 🤞🤞🤞
#last time I'll see him before the divorce it's crazy#i know im an adult now and it doesn't really do much for me but its still crazy to me#i just hope he doesn't bring up something nuts and doesn't pull some fuckin trick idk man#i don't really trust either of my parents with this they're both constantly going behind my and each other's backs#so it's a tough situation I'm constantly getting prepared for some awful news even if i can't even come up with anything good..#except maybe that dad's cutting me off financially ugh.??? idk#idk well see#im just kinda nervous rn especially since im not talking to his entire side of the family so#ok ok bye#vent
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Actually losing my fucking mind rn why cant anything go RIGHT
#venting down here mb#worked on my halloween costume for WEEKS just to find out I'll be stuck alone at home#my whole family has felt like shit all month#my dads been hounding on me recently to get a job when i just want a break#my friends haven't been speaking with me bc they're busy. and im not angry about it! i'm just scared they don't know how much i miss them#i haven't been taking care of myself because my mental health hasn't been anywhere near good since 6th grade#im apparently a disappointment to my father because i didnt make dinner today#he also got after my mother for that#and my hormones are out of whack rn so thats just the icing on the cake ig#i can feel a breakdown rapidly approaching. can't wait to find out when that'll hit
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me, last monday when i made the appointment: since i have to do them before the end of october, i'll just go get my biometrics done in two weeks, i have time then, whatever, no problemmm
me, today: how much weight can i lose in the next five days
#personal#i know i've gained weight since last year and i just.....#i'm suddenly just concerned that my biometrics are gonna be all outta whack and i'm gonna get yelled at#(i am actually pretty sure these nurses just wanna get you in and out of the office as quick as possible so they don't care)#(but i'm gonna see the numbers on the stupid little sheet and it's gonna make me feel bad about myself)#(and all of the 'how to fix them' suggestions are 1) lose weight 2) that's it)#anyway is there any point in worrying about this rn? no! will i anyway? yes!#i hate doctors tbh i get so stressed out#and like so much shit has been going on in this family in the past eight months i can't handle anything else ughhhh
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fuck waiting until friday to get my cardio appointment actually
#that's fucking it tomorrow is exactly a month since I've had this I'm going to the fucking hospital#I didn't know heart attacks aren't all sudden and sometimes have weeks of ongoing signs beforehand fuck that#I can't eat I'm too busy crying not entirely out of physical pain but also I never felt so lightheaded while crying this little#I hate my parents I hate how they believe family is the most important thing in the world but if I'm scared I'm just supposed to deal with#it on my own because they'll never bother to understand me I hate that I'm alone if my roomie was already back#she'd have helped me go the first night I felt something wrong#why do I always have to do everything I'm so tired#i love alexythymia i love so much neglect growing up that I can't understand my needs physical or emocional and just have to endure it#I love you dead is the new alive that started playing on the other room rn really comforting#delete later
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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Really not feelin it this week. Tag rant incoming
#it's just been a slew of horrible things this week and idk how to handle any of it#we had to take my childhood cat to the vet on Monday bc she's very sick and very skinny#and we thought we'd have to put her down#I'm so thankful bc she still has a bit of time and really all I want is for her to be comfortable again before she dies#but shes in such bad shape#and I hate seeing her like that. I found her when she was just a few weeks old#and now she's 15 and she just got old out of nowhere#and I'm not gonna be able to see her anymore soon#I'm going to a funeral Saturday for one of my aunts#I wasn't close to her since I was a kid but my family more or less abandoned her#and now she's dead and I never went to see her when she was alone#and today my other aunt died. and I was close to her.#I haven't seen her in years either though bc of more family drama.#and I never visited her either. idek if she was alone or if she had people.#I should have visited her when we found out she was sick but I just didn't#idk what to do. it's all just piling up#I feel worse rn than I have in years#and more bad things just keep happening#I was excited this week bc I got some work done on my college application#but now my motivation is just gone#I just wanna sleep and wake up and find out that my aunt is actually alive and someone just got it wrong somehow#but I can't fall asleep and that won't happen so waking up won't even be worth that#I would call off work tomorrow but I don't wanna be alone and my coworkers are the only people I know in town#at least they're all nice people#this all sucks so fucking bad#personal#negative
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oh I am teetering so close to a Crisis crisis lads
#mad scrawl#I <3 how i havent been able to rly work through my triggers and theyve Worsened if anything#esp bc im burnt out and just. fucked up rn emotionally#my gf is having a housing crisis approach bc of abusive family#and the ww3-ish shit going doing sent me into a full on panic attack unlike anything ive had since i was a kid abt this sort of thing#I like can't stop crying literally and I'm so terrified#this + a lot of other things are just triggering really deep fears and traumas of mine and it's so awful
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Pls send help I feel so hollow and empty instead
#noodle talks#IDK if I'm crashing out or just depressed but ugh.#my chest physically aches over the dumbest shit rn#it's so weird when I feel this crippling notion that nothing will improve#i haven't really felt this way since like#my dad died and fresh off the breakup#I wish I could just like.#isolate from the whole world#i hate yearning for shit I can't have#unless i feel like settling.#i just feel so empty#I thought I'd feel better by now#i have ppl who care about me#loving family#a roof over my head that's not a nightmare zone#But the rot... it still persists.#ppl are always like 'u gotta love urself 1st before u love someone else'#ok ... how??#at least a couple days to one week out of each month I feel like hell#be it physically or emotionally#I'd rather be in physical agony rn than emotional agony#you think anyone would care if I fell off the face of the earth for a while?#i don't really think so.#I'm not particularly cool or swag to be around#just some weirdo who's embarrassingly transparent and easily hurt i guess 😮💨#here's to hoping the sound of the washing machine cycle Drowns out my sobs#if anyone asks I'll just say I'm sad over my dead dad#negative/#easier to explain than 'i hate myself and i want to die' i think#vent
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ok very interesting quest in hsr
#theyre getting better at this writing shit#hsr spoilers#tho i think dh and jy was still kinda random lol i guess it made sense since it was a dream(?)...#i haven't seen enough people crying abt misha but to me. its sadge we can't see him on the train anymore :( but he got#his wish.... he talks abt always wanting to go on the express and traveling and he did it.... he made it!! so im happy for him :')#aven pisses me off lowkey ipc hater group. whatever tho#i like where they went w robin so now i'll just wait for sunday#also the boss design is so nice and cool and very reminscent of ena but fuck the gameplay oh my god i hated fighting sundays mecha body#so much .... i swear if robin's gonna need those materials i'll just be like . 🧍♀️#much to think about though. at the same time i actually have no idea what happened and need to read a plot summary#hsr#they also need to stop putting elements that i don't have built like genuinely besides gui.naifen and hime.ko i have 0 fire chars#and id rather not use ms train navigator bc she doesn't seem good against bosses#robin and sunday are intriguing and so is boothill.... neutral on fire.fly but i guess she's alright at least she improved from getting#murdered for shock value in 2.0#ramblings!#oh one more thing sunday apologist i dont think what he did was necessarily right i just want to chew on him like a toy#hoyo loves their characters falling out of giant robots#chicken wing boy pls be playable i'll pull he's so funky a bit in over his head but we love a biblical coded guy w savior complex#oops edit: also wtf is the state of the family rn we kinda just fought sunday fought sunday again for real this time and then he fell#and penacony went back to reality??? or what? maybe i'm not comprehending or maybe there's another part to this???????
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Difficult Person VS Likeable Person
"Callous? I'm not saying I actually attacked someone but if I did, believe me, they had it coming."
Tagged byStolen from: @halfghcst Tagging: Whoever would like to do it?
#🌈 || dashboard games#🌈 || memes#🌈 || character sheet#Spooky showed me this last night so I had to do it too#And I'm LAUGHING#How can you be so friendly but be such a callous bitch Khare?#Actually it's kind of appropriate because she was kind of traumatized about the whole kidnapping and being experimented on schtick#So it's kind of skewed her outlook a bit#It's okay I smashed the cell guard's head in he had it coming#It's okay I stole a hunting knife and some clothes and supplies from those hunters#I needed it more than they did#Definitely not opening up anytime soon I can't even accept myself rn#Happiness is definitely at a low#She's so fucking lonely and isolated since she can't even contact family back home and let them know she's alive#So far my only kinda sorta friend is that guy with the end is nigh sign and it's only because I have beans#It's just getting funnier the longer I look at this because she's genuinely wanting to be friendly and kind#But man she's gone through some shit
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ough
#балаболим#just. dunno.#realising more and more that my current job isn't alright for me atm.#like. before? was alright. esp counting that i didn't get mich for the household (these months are a blur. i don't remember much)#(might be soem form of post-dropout dissociation. no idea honestly.)#but now? i'm quite aware of how much i'm getting.#i don't think about switching it - i promissed myself i'd be at that jod for at least a year after imployment.#besides - second exam might change things.#but overall - it isn't enough for me rn.#...taking in all the things i have to think about now.#i don't wanna say why now but i spend quite a lot on my family now. out of what i get. and i just wanna get it all out there.#monthly product purchases and quite a lot of utilities require change. and since rn it seems that no one can check it all#- i have to do it all now. almost completely taking care of the household. dad helps of course. but. i'm younger. i gotta.#i'm not complaining#just can't really share it with anybody else fully.#can't express it either it seems.
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gnaws on wood
#crazy how religious trauma just got me fucked up for life lmao#and I still live with the same people who instilled that fear inside me so that's fun on a daily basis#I try my fuckign best to navigate my life and stay positive I can literally be having the best day and all it takes is one little thing-#like how is that fun for you? to sit and tell ur family members that they're gonna go to hell the end of the world is upon us#'you aren't gonna be able to live your life fully anyways just come to church and get saved then you can at least get into heaven' I JUST#I AM ABOUT TO START GOING INSANE#I need to find a way out of here but god damn I can't even find a job rn like ugfhfghfsghgfhfg god I'm trying to stay strong so bad I am#crazy how people think they're helping you when really they're the ones pushing you further into insanity#not to mention the fact that I believe Christianity probably caused me to be so fucked mentally starting at a young age#then the fucking job thing like even then I need accommodations since I'm fucking epileptic like UGGFHFGHFGHFGHFG#It will all be okay and I believe that truly I just needed to yell and scream into the void thanks#man the worst part is the fear mongering gets to me after while and I think well damn they're probably right huh#hayden.txt
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I am NORMAL about seeing family I am NORMAL I am NOT nauseous I have DEFINITELY thought about packing I TOTALLY have already done my shopping from the work gift shop
#I'm literally sick to my stomach rn :/ I even ate breakfast#I can't even say going home everyone is like are you excited to go home#And I'm like I have newly divorced parents who have family halfway across the country from each other. Neither of which where I grew up#So I can't even see friends or anything. And my mom's fam fought about holidays so theirs is split#So my brother is going to one faction with the cousins and FLORIDA and I'm going to the other with my mean grandma who makes me cry#Anyway of course I say yes im excited to go home#It'll be good bc i haven't seen most of my fam since last Xmas. But still I am like. sooooooo stressed it's insane#Also work is STILL REALLY COLD#But not as bad as yesterday#1 day travel 3 days dads fam 1 day travel 3 days moms fam 1day travel. Then literally a week and my mom is coming to visit. Oof.#Anyway. Flight in 24hrs#Wait perks. I'm going to get a hug from my grandparents :) I haven't touched anyone anything more than like. A high five. Or 3in the back#Since may.
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my parents keep having these conversations about money and it's putting such a unnecessary pressure on me oh my god
#specially right now that I'm freaking out about a job AND career transition#and I'm pretty much piss broke#like dude. THAT'S the time you choose to say I need to pay house bills?#I'm sorry but just... no dude#not while my sister is out here buying 600 bucks boots and I can't even afford new jeana#*jeans#because I bought my mom a new phone that she seems to completely forget about every time she brings up money stuff#like. I'm not trying to rub it on her face but it WOULD be nice of them consider that I'm still paying for her phone#and that's one of the reasons I'm broke rn#they're just so ungrateful#and they're acting like I'm such a leech right now. when I needed their support the most#since I'm planning on being unemployed for a couple of months before the flight attendant job offer comes#it's just... I feel like I'm getting zero support right now#like. from everyone. from friends to family#I know the world doesn't revolve around me don't get me wrong#I just wish they all didn't pick THE worst moment of my life possible to act this way#rambles*
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