#but i am less sure about sarah or anna

[from-the-clouds]

So I'm full on obsessed with Texas Sun. It's amazing, and I find myself anxiously a tithe next chapter. So good! Since you seem to read Joel very similarly to how I do, I was wondering what your thoughts were on Joel and Tess. I feel like there's this notion they had a love story, but all I see is a great partnership mixed in with a one sided attraction (on Tess' side). Idk if Joel really did feel something but buried all feelings bc of Sarah or if she just wasn't his person. I tend to believe the latter. Would love to hear your thoughts!

ahhhh! i'm so glad you like it!

okay so i both agree and disagree with you and here are my thoughts. i also am open to other interpretations (under the cut)

i agree with what you say about it being more of a companionship/partnership that's one sided. i think tess probably always wanted more from him but understood not to expect anything -- particularly tess in the show seemed a lot more attached to joel than tess in the game.

however, i do think that they were most likely lovers as well. it just seems like a natural conclusion based on the other information we have about them. thankfully, the show gives us a little more intimacy between them than we see in the game -- we learn that they have been 'together' since at least 2010, and even in that conversation with bill, joel refers to tess as 'mine' which i would surmise means they have known each other even longer. So he has been with her for at least 13 years by the time they meet ellie. we also see that they sleep together at night, and joel even feels safe enough with tess to sleep with his good ear to the pillow when she is there with him. strangely enough, we don't see much physical touch between them in the game, but they do have a fair bit of flirty banter. this scene comes to mind. i don't think they were that explicitly flirty on the show. just in general, though, joel in the game is a little more relaxed and less grumpy than pedro's joel (in my opinion but that's a convo for another day).

i also think that they did both love each other, but i could see joel not wanting to acknowledge this, or if he did, it was more of a platonic love he felt. i think i saw an interview somewhere with anna torv where she said that they came up with a whole backstory for tess -- she was married and she lost both her husband and son to cordyceps. if that's true both tess and joel both lost children and i'm sure that they found a lot of comfort being with someone who understood that specific type of pain.

there are also more examples that show how much joel cared for tess even if he wouldn't talk about specifics of his relationship with her -- the way that tommy asked about her, and the little memorial he builds for her in the stream in episode 3.

but yeah so like, TLDR: whether it was romantic or not, they clearly still loved and cared about each other deeply and they were close companions, even if joel could never really allow himself to commit to her in the way she wanted.

[gay-mooshrooms]

Finale

I have to post my thoughts on the finale or I will lose my mind. Having the episode start with Anna, and having her played by Ashley was one of the best decisions in the show. The symbolism of Ellie's mother being played by the person who first brought the character to life is fantastic and I thought her performance was incredible. And then having the intro be just across the entire series, making us relive everything we've all gone through, and seeing how their relationship has progressed was such a good choice. And then, once we meet back up with Ellie and Joel, we see him, for the first time in 20 years, truly being a dad. We can assume Ellie hasn't told him everything, but he knows something is wrong because he knows her. So he tries to cheer her up, finding food she said she liked, showing her a board game he knows she'll beat him in, keeping up conversation and telling her stories, offering to teach her guitar, asking for shitty puns, and finally, opening up to her. Finally talking, really talking about Sarah, the good and the bad. And also telling her the full story of the guy who shot and missed. I cried when I realized what he meant, and when he told her, "It wasn't time that did it", and Ellie realized what that means about her. And then we see the giraffes, and Ellie looking happy again, laughing again. And Joel could not care less about finding a literal giraffe in Salt Lake City, all he cares about is that Ellie looks like her old self again, and he smiles too. And then he tries to offer an alternative, tries to save her again, and tells her that they can turn back and forget everything, but she tells him no. Because she has given so much to get here, they both have, and she doesn't want it to go to waste. But she adds, that once they're done, she'll go wherever he wants, as long as she's with him. So he agrees. And then the fireflies find them. And the first damn thing out of his mouth is "Where's Ellie?" And this is where Marlene should have known that he wasn't gonna let this surgery happen. She tells him he can't see her, that she's being prepared for surgery, and you can see the pieces fall in his brain. And he yells, he cares so much, he just wants to see her. But Marlene won't let it happen. And you can see as he's walking, he will be damned if the world takes away another one of his baby girls. So he fights, and he wins. And I am obsessed with how they shot the hospital sequence. The noise is drowned out, we see shots of his face and how calm it is, and how focused. He only had one goal, and god help any motherf*ckers who stand in his way. And then he reaches Ellie, shoots the doctor, and we know exactly what that means, and the directors know this too. Because as they leave, they focus on the dead man on the ground, as we know just what that means for their future. And Ellie wakes up, and she asks what happens. And Joel lies to her, just like all parents. do because he wants to protect her. And we all know, that deep down, she knows he's lying, but she doesn't press it, at least not yet. And we see him opening up even more about Sarah, before Ellie follows suit, and finally talks about Riley. And then she makes him swear that everything is true, and he lies again, and we can really tell that she knows it. But as he said in the second game, he would do it all over again. Because there was no way in hell, he was going to let her sacrifice herself for a cure that might not even work. And even if it did, it wouldn't have fixed the world. Sure the infected might have caused the world to spiral, but it was the people who made sure it stayed that way. They were the true evil. Whether it be the fascist FEDRA, or twisted people like David, they made sure the world stayed broken, and that wasn't something that a cure could fix. And also, Marlene said that she was sure Ellie would want them to go through with this, then why the hell wasn't she awake, why couldn't she make the choice. If you were so sure she would do what you wanted why didn't you let her. She knew that deep down, Ellie wouldn't want to die.

[the-thieves-gambit]

"Changed?" Elizabeth asked, slightly accusingly but jokingly. Knowing what he did for a living, what he constantly did, and the extremes he would go to to protect someone who needed it. "Oh sure, blame the well." A small smirk curling on the edge of her lips.

There were moments where she still doubted this all. Believed it all to be some fantasy, a dream, that she would awaken from. Especially when he looked at her like that, smiled her like that. "Hmm," she sighed in agreement with his statement. "I still say you would have made a great thief. Those dimples of yours," her thumb caressed one. "Would have got you anything you wanted." Leaning in she kissed the other dimple before pulling away.

Smiling, shyly, she waved and said her hello's and nice to meet you's them as she was introduced. And there was the compliment, in French none the less, making her blush again. "Stop it," she chuckled placing a hand on his chest. "Please, this heat is enough already without you making me blush every other moment." At the mention of Sarah's birth she looked at him with a curious look. A story needing to be listened to. "Burned? I must know how one burns their hand helping bring a child into the world."

Sometimes she hated how much of an open book she was with him. How well he knew just what she might be thinking. It made it impossible to hide things from him, not like she wanted to, but there were times when she thought it would be best for him not to know just how she felt about things. In a quiet voice, she added. "Yeah, actually. I am."

Nodding at the fact that they would not be missed for a bit, she smiled at the mention of Anna and Gael. "I don't think they're bad. They're wonderful. So I'm sure your mom is just as amazing. I think you're just jealous you don't get me all to yourself anymore now." She teased. Knowing that ice cream could be delivered so that they could all partake in a cool treat, she nodded. "How about La Vie en Rose, and Lavender Honey? Is anyone allergic to anything? We could do something like the chocolate one for the kids, do they all like chocolate? " She still had a lot to learn about his family.

He went through multiple expressions in the span of three seconds as green orbs stared into her beautiful hazel ones. It was moments like right now that enabled him to read her like a book. Something in her features showed different things but that smile she gave caused one of his own to show. What he said about Annie, he assumed was the reason for that smile made him truly believe she'd be an amazing mom. Annie was right when she said if babies could pick parents they'd pick her. Though that thought he kept to himself for now.

There was a chuckle that escaped him as he stopped his finger from tapping against her hip. "That's a good question. I should be doing a better job at showing you just how cute you are." Getting the hip bump he laughed and turned to look at her. Surprise evident in his emerald greens. "I was an innocent party in all the trouble making. Though ma would agree with you. I lost count of how many times I gave her a panic attack after getting bruised up. So glad that changed as I grew older." He had to throw that in knowing how much she hated what he did for a living and had wanted him to live in a bubble. "Technically the well was not my fault."

Making his girlfriend blush made his heart skip a beat. There was magic in watching the colors paint on her cheeks accentuating her beauty even more. He couldn't think of a more beautiful sight than that. How he lived without that in his life he would never understand. His hand itched to linger on her face, to caress over the parts he hadn't traced over. He committed her to memory, not that she wasn't already in his heart and soul but it was like his mind had taken yet another mental picture. He grinned showing off his dimple and nuzzled kissed her palm. Taking a chance to kiss the inside of her wrist. "Takes one unfair one to know one."

His palm traced slow patterns of shapes down her back as she laid on his shoulder. He smiled as slowly took a breath. It only took him a few seconds to introduce her to the guys behind the counter and chuckled when one told her she was the prettier between the two. Wally couldn't argue that. "I didn't do my job. But to be fair, how do you expect me to make a choice when all of them looked so good? Hmm, ma magnifique lila." He pondered it and smirked. "Raspberry sorbet. I haven't had that in so long. Since maybe when we had to deliver Sarah at the steps of a church. That was a whole day. I burned my hand too."

"Are you worried that you're gonna not be liked?" He kissed her nose and nodded. "I am sure. Ma and the rest don't mind. Half the time we always go off exploring on our own. All the couples go off on their own before we meet up again. All she really cares about is being able to take the kids and stuff them up with sweets. Besides, this will be the only time we get together because once we're back she is going to want to talk to you and not share you. You think Annie and Gael are bad. Ma is worse. But if you want you can pick the flavors and they can deliver it to the house."

[derangedrhythms]

Any quotes about night and stars, please? ✨

"The night is shaped like a howling wolf."

— Alejandra Pizarnik, Extracting the Stone of Madness; from ‘Paths of the Mirror’, tr. Yvette Siegert

"Then, it being night, and the twin stars of Castor and Pollux just visible in the sky, I spoke of that tragedy, of two brothers whose love we might find unnatural, so stricken in grief when one was killed that the other, begging for his life again, accepted instead that for half the year one might live, and for the rest of the year the other, but never the two together. So it is for us, who while on earth in these suits of lead sense the presence of one we love, not far away but too far to touch."

— Jeanette Winterson, from 'Sexing the Cherry'

"The night is cold and delicate and full of angels"

— John Ashbery, Rivers and Mountains; from ‘The Ecclesiast’

"Oh starry starry night! This is how / I want to die."

— Anne Sexton, All My Pretty Ones; from ‘The Starry Night’

"Life is too short to be all daylight. Night is not less; it’s more."

— Jeanette Winterson, from 'Why I adore the night'

"…a strange night-time otherworld of darkness and starlight and the fine line between life and death."

— Katherine Clements, from 'The Coffin Path'

"But the Orphics say that black-winged Night, a goddess of whom even Zeus stands in awe, was courted by the Wind and laid a silver egg in the womb of Darkness; and that Eros, whom some call Phanes, was hatched from this egg and set the Universe in motion."

— Robert Graves, from 'The Greek Myths: The Complete and Definitive Edition'

"That doesn’t stop me having a tremendous need for, shall I say the word — for religion — so I go outside at night to paint the stars [...]"

— Vincent van Gogh

"Night. Such a beautiful word."

— Janet Fitch, from 'Chimes of a Lost Cathedral'

"Why shun darkness? / The night abounds with diamond drops."

— Forugh Farrokhzad, Asir (Captive); from 'On Loving', tr. Sholeh Wolpé

"Dear, though the night is gone, / Its dream still haunts to-day,"

— W. H. Auden, Selected Poems; from ‘Dear, though the night is gone’

"There was a star riding through clouds one night, and I said to the star, "Consume me."

"I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams."

— Virginia Woolf, from 'The Waves'

"By day I am nothing, by night I am myself."

— Fernando Pessoa, from 'The Book of Disquiet', tr. Margaret Jull Costa

"...the frozen glitter of stars, shattered glass on black silk..."

— Maggie O' Farrell, from 'Hamnet'

"I sometimes fancy that my body is made up of all the different stars. Leo’s in my chest; I’m sure it’s Leo because my heart roars."

— Jeanette Winterson, from 'Boating for Beginners'

"Night, the night again, the magisterial wisdom of the dark."

— Alejandra Pizarnik, A Musical Hell; from ‘Desire for the Word’, tr. Yvette Siegert

"If only at the midnight hour / You’d send me a greeting across the stars."

— Anna Akhmatova, Seventh Book; from Sweetbrier In Blossom; ‘In a Dream’, tr. Judith Hemschemeyer

"Under the shield of night, / let me unburden the moon."

— Forugh Farrokhzad, Reborn; from ‘Border Walls’, tr. Sholeh Wolpé

"The night snows stars and the earth creaks."

— Ted Hughes, Wodwo; from ‘The Howling of Wolves’

"I have loved the stars too truly to be fearful of the night."

— Sarah Williams, Twilight Hours; from 'The Old Astronomer'

[cristobalrios]

All of them. All of the joy. Spread it. Fuck you. <3

Spread the Love! Meme | Accepting!

This is an aggressive request to spread joy, but. I will take it.

Also, here's the jerk :p person who requested all of them I mentioned earlier.

1. What's a roleplay blog whose characterization you admire?

So we only have one thread but @therapardalis Thera is fun and honestly what Cris needs at this point in his storyline. He's in an extremely reclusive part of his life and Thera has quite honestly an excellent balance of light conversation ("light" as in small/not delving into details, not content-wise)/asking (and answering) questions and not pushing for details even though he's clearly got some Stuff going on. It's good for him to meet someone like Thera and know he's not the only person going through this kind of thing, and would be more so if/when he learns a bit more about her story and obviously their stories are not identical but they're similar enough in certain ways that it'll be good for him and make him feel less alone.

2. What's a roleplay blog whose writing style you admire?

@agnespjurati (@talvenhenki) Orion, both for Agnes when they RP her and the fics they've written. Also, I know this is stepping out of the RP sphere but shout out to @procrastinatorproject because I adore Lili's fics<3

3. What's a roleplay blog who always has the best plot ideas?

I'm saying Dean @assasenach again because we have the most threads and we talk ooc about ideas/headcanons all the time every day, so.

4. What's a roleplay blog whose artwork/edits/icons you admire?

@musikcr Nix! We just started following each other but her blog is so pretty, honestly. Like I said when I reblogged your promo, your edits are gorgeous.

@heartfledged Sarah's blog is ridiculously gorgeous and also her art is beautiful, whenever she'd post her stuff in the Discord I would have heart eyes. So pretty.

@assasenach Dean has great taste in aesthetic and it's simple compared to the other two mentioned but clean, efficient and pleasing, and I always like the edits he makes.

5. What's the roleplay blog you've been writing with the longest here?

Yeah obviously obviously that's Logan @manenimittliv, February was our, what? 7th anniversary of the first interaction between our first ship Erik/Anna with my Phantom blog @princeofconjurers and their OC (we'd interacted a little bit before that with their Raoul but that was like, a week or something before that, and then at sometime even before that very briefly with their version of Christine's father Gustave Daae but I didn't realize that until sometime later that that was also their blog). We've jumped multiple fandoms together and we pretty much autoship. They're my bff and the only originally online friend I've ever gotten to meet irl (three times) and I love them to death<3

6. What's a roleplay blog who's an absolute joy to talk to ooc?

The people I talk to ooc the most are @manenimittliv Logan and @assasenach Dean my current bffs so obviously I adore talking to them ooc (although I wouldn't say Dean is "joyful" talking to him does make me happy, so before you say anything, shush). I've primarily been talking with @iamselfmade PJ out of character but we're RPing now too but yeah, he's great and I love doing streams with him. I said Serena @empathicstars already for the "friendly mun" thing which honestly this question is rather similar to so maybe I should save some people for that question below, slkdjf

7. What's a roleplay blog you love whose character you didn't know until you started writing with them?

Well, besides OCs, I'm not currently RPing with any canon characters I did not previously know the character before I RPed with them, but I'll say Vasher back when Sarah @heartfledged RPed him on @cosmoshearted (which I would still love to continue/redo if/when you ever revive him as you've said you might do in the past, as well as the stuff with Resool, and I'm always up for stuff with Av<3). I did not know anything about that fandom but it turns out my brother-in-law loves it and he got my mom to start reading those books and I'm just like oh! I've heard of that! That's where Vasher is from (I realized it because my mom mentioned Kelsier who I also heard of from Sarah too) and I will get around to reading it at some point, I promise.

Also, PJ made a blog of a character I don't know and followed me on it and we talked about him and Elnor doing something so I'm gonna put @fifty-one-doc here too

Shout out to the OCs who of course I didn't know until I started writing with them but who I love, Anna @manenimittliv, Lorian/Paris previously Sylar @assasenach, Ellie @mclti, Manny @perfection-reached, Thera @therapardalis, Cheryl @ckingsbury1967, Av @heartfledged, any and all of my friends' OCs! Those are just the ones I'm RPing with rn. Give me all the OCs, I love them.

8. What's a roleplay blog with a friendly mun?

Dany hasn't really been RPing anymore but @empathyvslogic still counts. @heartfledged Sarah is great too. Jeanette @ltbroccoli, Logan @manenimittliv (yes I'm mentioning you again), Jamie @livedtough / @quantumstarpaths, Courtney @starsdestined, Eros @tongowheel, Hope @astraldestiny, Fool @strings-have-been-cut, Gin @alyafae, so many people I'm sure I'm missing some (as well as the ones mentioned above). Honestly everyone is friendly and I love all my mutuals<3

9. What's a roleplay blog whose dedication you admire?

So I've answered this question several times now but I know I did not include @mclti when I talked about multis and though I only roleplay with Ellie, Spyro deserves a mention for that "multis are so dedicated" thing I talked about here. I'm sure I'm missing things again too, but yeah. <3

Also, again I have to do a shout out to Lili even though it's still not RP because @mappinglasirena is a beautiful project and although it's technically more for fics, since that's what Lili writes, I as a Cris and Holo Squad RPer use it too, for RP purposes, so I say it counts as an RP resource blog like I did with the directory. And Lili is dedicated to this and I am here for it. I love our conversations about the tiny little details dearly.

10. What's a roleplay blog that always keeps you pleasantly surprised?

As other people have mentioned, this is kind of a weird question but I'm gonna go with Dean @assasenach. I'm not surprised by anything Dean does anymore, so "keeps" me pleasantly surprised isn't exactly right (although it is for certain things like whenever he compliments me I'm like ????) but this is here because the ship caught me by surprise. Like, OC/Canon (with me playing the canon) is my sweet spot when it comes to ships I fixate on, but I did not know they'd be shipped together until Dean posted a short fic about Cris and Raffi talking about then Sylar but now Lorian, Raffi asking Cris why he accepted his reassignment and Cris asking her what "t'hy'la" means and I was like Oh. Oh I like this, they're really cute (Note: I was already really liking their thread before Dean posted that fic, they had a great dynamic and chemistry and I was here for it) and now we're here.

11. What's a roleplay blog you admire from afar?

Good question. Umm, I'm going to say Jamie @livedtough / @quantumstarpaths because we've talked plenty ooc and we're in several Discords together, I love Jamie, but we haven't actually RPed together and I would love to change that at any time (we have talked about some things in the past throwing ideas around just never got to writing them).

Kame @cadetxtilly / @maldonadonco again we're in a Discord together and ze's really sweet but we haven't RPed, so

And just. Anyone in the Discords I'm active in that I have yet to RP with/have only RPed with a little bit. I love all of you.

[stripyhorse23]

TV of 2020

1) I May Destroy You

I May Destroy You might not have been written during the pandemic, but when it arrived in June it felt like the sort of complicated, cathartic show that could have been.  Detailing one woman’s experience of rape and its aftermath, Michaela Coel (who wrote every episode) continually found rich narrative avenues in which to explore her characters’ individual experiences of sexual assault and consent.  If that makes the series sound concept-driven, it always placed its characters first; the push-and-pull between Arabella, Terry and Kwame is key to the ways in which Coel’s tender, curious writing is able to explore power dynamics within relationships, friendships and hook-ups.  Other, lesser shows that are this deliberately open-ended might feel opaque: it’s testament to the show’s confidence of voice that isn’t the case here.

2) Normal People

Like plenty of others, I binged the entire series of Normal People in a weekend, although one of its many pleasures is how Sally Rooney and Alice Birch’s adaptation teases out the episodic nature of the former’s bestseller.  From Connell’s early days at university, to a Tuscan holiday turned sour, and an exchange year in Sweden, Normal People was about the ways in which the people we love move in and out of our lives over the years.  It wasn’t immune to mis-steps (the show draws something of a crude line between the abuse Marianne suffers at home and what she seeks out in romantic partners), but the sheer emotional heft of the show was undeniable, nowhere less so than Paul Mescal’s floodgate-opening performance in Episode 10.

3) Adult Material

Perhaps one of the year’s most overlooked shows, Adult Material follows Hayley Burrows as she attempts to balance life as the harassed mother-of-three and the twilight years of her career as adult performer Jolene Dollar.  The slyly comic edge of the first episode is quickly eroded after Jolene becomes embroiled in the abuse of another actor on-set.  A stark portrait of alcohol abuse and loneliness, it’s also a sharp indictment of how little the so-called ‘culture wars’ surrounding pornography are meaningfully impactful on sex workers themselves.  Hayley Squires gives the sort of white-hot star performance usually reserved for 90s Hollywood rom-coms, a veneer of frustration and resignation overlaying even her character’s most abrasive moments.

4) Cook, Eat, Repeat

Why not in this interminably shitty year, choose the one show that offered the sort of balm it’s impossible to reverse engineer?  Following hot on the heels of a disappointing series of The Great British Bake-Off, Nigella Lawson’s warm, inviting half-hour new series was the televisual equivalent of a long bath and a facemask.  Her fish finger bhorta, brown butter colcannon and black pudding meatballs have already made it into this household’s repertoire, but there’s something innately comforting about the luxurious silliness of Nigella that almost transcends criticism.  Whether it’s the giddy nonsense of her liquorice box, the ‘did I hear that right’ moment when she revealed her pronunciation of ‘microwave,’ or the seductive self-care of making a creme caramel for one, no other show elicited such pure enjoyment from me this year.

5) I’ll Be Gone In The Dark

The true crime documentary series boom has increasingly leaned into a focus on the victims, from last year’s The Yorkshire Ripper Files to Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich, but none so effectively or compassionately as I’ll Be Gone In The Dark.  Less a story about the hunt for the Golden State Killer and more a study of trauma and obsession, the series splices together home footage of the late Michelle McNamara’s investigation with survivor testimony to create a haunting portrait of one man’s legacy of pain.  The early episodes are replete with skin-crawling tension, anguish and tears, but the later episodes allow that to fall away, focusing on the mental fortitude necessary for the survivors at its centre and the sense of community fostered by meeting other women like them.

6)The Salisbury Poisonings

I had no interest in watching this BBC limited series initially: the advertising made it look dry, the story itself (the Novichok poisonings of 2018) seemingly devoid of juicy narrative material.  That I’ve watched this three times in the space of a year speaks to its robust, urgent filmmaking.  Like several other shows on this list, it arrived into the context of a pandemic it couldn’t have foreseen, but watching the rapid, careful response of local government (crucially and deliberately obstructed by Whitehall) to this crisis presented a sort of horribly watchable what-if scenario.  What seemed at first blush to be middle-of-the-road programming evolved over three episodes into the sort of spare, quietly terrifying journalistic drama that invites comparison to last year’s Chernobyl.

7) We Are Who We Are

It turns out that Luca Guadagnino’s woozy, seductive style transfers perfectly to television, and despite We Are Who We Are lacking the timelessness that typifies I Am Love or Call Me By Your Name it thrillingly captured the turbulent adolescence of its teenage characters.  Equally effervescent and raggedly emotional, the show’s joy always felt hard-won, bumping heads with the often cynical, unreadable motivations of the adult characters.  A tender and frank depiction of queer identities within traditionally restrictive environments, it’s also a love letter to young friendship and the lifeline that can provide during our formative years.  Spellbinding.

8) Selling Sunset

Perhaps the year’s most impressively constructed reality show, I was slow on the uptake with Netflix’s Selling Sunset only to have it take over my life for a few weeks during the summer.  Manufactured reality series are tough to get right, but much like The Hills (surely this show’s biggest influence) Selling Sunset gains a lot of mileage from gaming pre-existing friendships for maximum impact.  Christine and Mary’s beleaguered relationship and, obliquely, their respective responses to fame continued to provide wildly watchable fireworks, but the build-up to Chrishell’s separation from husband Justin Hartley was exquisitely handled.  Suddenly Davina’s strangely uncharismatic shit-stirrer and Christine’s predictably OTT wedding were forced to take a back seat to something approaching genuinely moving television.  Trying to tease out what was real and what wasn’t, and following the ways this all spilled out onto social media, was pure, unmitigated pleasure in a year sorely lacking in just that sort of unfettered escapism.

9) My Brilliant Friend

Two seasons in and there might not be another character on TV that I’m as continually frustrated and fascinated by as Lila, the eponymous ‘brilliant friend’ of the show’s title.  Sparingly warm, often cruel, seductive, Season 2 of HBO’s masterful adaptation sees her trapped in a loveless, abusive marriage but as ever it’s her fractured relationship with Lenù that forms the emotional spine of the show.  There’s often a strange sort of snobbery around the term ‘prestige drama,’ as if all that money on the screen is a smokescreen for a dearth of anything to say; My Brilliant Friend uses every colour in its paintbox to portray the yawning void that opened up between Lenù and Lila as they entered adulthood, from the lavish, provocative outfits Lila’s adopts after she marries Stefano to Max Richter’s evocative score and the detail poured into the show’s supporting characters.  Rewardingly complex.

10) Mrs. America

I laboured over what would take my tenth spot this year since there was so much TV that I loved, and especially this year so much of it felt essential to how I was receiving the world around me.  Ultimately, Mrs. America’s mixture of astute political commentary, character-driven writing and host of enjoyable performances tipped the scale in its favour.  Cate Blanchett’s all-timer of a performance as Phyllis Schafly understandably received the majority of attention, but Mrs. America gave us so many memorable moments: Sarah Paulson’s Alice ringing the bell at reception whilst high, Uzo Aduba’s Shirley Chisholm speaking to a potentially bugged hotel ventilator, Margo Martindale’s Bella Abzug quietly realising she’s no longer the radical of her youth on a busy New York street.  This sort of deft, smart political drama isn’t often this much fun to watch, and what an ending...

11) This Life

An honourable mention to a show made almost twenty-five years ago that nevertheless helped define the year in TV for me.  Shows that were once considered part of the zeitgeist can often feel quaint and old-fashioned in retrospect, but Amy Jenkins rambunctious flatshare drama isn’t one of them.  Whilst it can sometimes feel like the show’s characters are universally adverse to making even one good decision between them, there’s a compassion and care underpinning This Life that means it never comes across as overly cynical or sneering.  There’s also a lot to be said for discovering a performance that you genuinely consider to be one of the best of the decade, and no other character this year frustrated and moved me in the ways that Daniela Nardini’s Anna did.  Bonus points for the genuinely chaotic final episode, perhaps one of the best I’ve ever seen.

And FWIW, these are ten performances from shows not on the list above that I loved this year: Marielle Heller in The Queen’s Gambit, Nicholas Hoult in The Great, Sarah Lancashire in Last Tango in Halifax, Poorna Jagannathan in Never Have I Ever, Michael Sheen in Quiz, Imelda Staunton in Talking Heads, Leila Farzad in I Hate Suzie, Alison Pill in Star Trek: Picard, Gillian Anderson in The Crown and Andy Allo in Upload.

And ten episodes of TV that I loved too: ‘Terry and Korvo Steal a Bear’ (Solar Opposites), ‘The Gang Deals With Alternate Reality’ (The Good Fight), ‘Uncle Naseem’ (Ramy), ‘The View From Halfway Down’ (Bojack Horseman), ‘The Vat of Acid Episode’ (Rick and Morty), ‘I Am’ (Lovecraft Country), ‘No Small Parts’ (Star Trek: Lower Decks), Seven-Spotted Ladybug’ (Everything’s Gonna Be Okay), ‘Daytona’ (Cheer), ‘Whenever You’re Ready’ (The Good Place).

[aweirdkindofyellow]

The J.A.C.I.E. Project, Pt. 3

JACIE Jay-see \ d͡ʒˈe͡ɪsi \ See Jennifer Anna Clara Isabell Evans. An ambitious 21-year-old music student, striving to find her place in the industry.

JACK Jak \ d͡ʒæk \ A guy ten years older than Jacie, who takes a liking to her.

Chapter 3

I woke up in a dark room, in a bed that most definitely wasn’t mine. The mattress was so soft and the pillows so plush. I didn’t own something so nice. As if the high ceilings and tall windows with blackout curtains didn’t say enough, the deep breathing coming from behind me definitely did. There was a huge gap in my memory, but I could still remember seeing Jack and going home with him. The chunk in between, though, was gone.

I carefully shuffled around, trying my best not to wake Jack, and looked around at the floor. My purse had conveniently been discarded right at the bottom of the nightstand. I briefly glanced behind me and saw Jack sleeping on his stomach, his arms hooked around the pillow he was using. Still, trying to make as little movement as possible, I stretched out and nearly fell off the bed trying to get to my purse. I could barely graze it with my finger tips, but managed to bring it closer.

As soon as it was within reach, I grabbed it and opened it to check my phone. It was 8:45 am, I had forty missed notifications, three missed calls, and an alarm that was about to go off in fifteen minutes. The first thing I did was turn off the alarm as I pushed myself up and sat up. I was already awake, I didn’t need another reminder. The missed calls were from while we were still at the club, so I figured those didn’t matter anymore. And the messages were from my friends trying to coordinate where they had all ended up and reminding each other that we were going to go out for brunch at ten o’clock.

I shot them a quick text to show them I was alive and awake and ready to continue the celebrations. Immediately, I started getting messages back, asking me about every single detail. I ignored it all for now and locked my phone. Jack was still fast asleep. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Was I going to be rude and just leave without a trace or was I going to be rude and wake him up? I had had one night stands before, and I always knew exactly what to go for. There was always a feeling about which option would be the right choice. But this time I was unsure.

He was sleeping so deeply that I figured there would be no point trying to play it off and act like I was also still asleep until he woke up. And I also had somewhere to be. Before my birthday brunch, I was going to need to get changed as well. There wasn’t any time I could waste. I could only have looked like quite a mess after that night.

I went against the feeling of not just leaving him and got out of the bed. This time, however, I wasn’t as careful anymore. Part of me was hoping he’d wake up from my movement. But when I turned around as my feet touched the floor, he hadn’t even moved an inch. I counted my losses and put on my panties and dress, figuring that this was the end of it all. Not that that would have been horrible, it just felt strange.

To my surprise, he actually started stirring while I was awkwardly standing in the middle of the room, busy trying to tie my hair up in an attempt to make it less messy.

“Hey,” I greeted him when I noticed his eyes fluttering slightly.

A sleepy smirk graced his face when he saw me. “Hey.”

“I’m sorry if I woke you up,” I apologised while I tied the hair tie around my ponytail.

“No, you’re good.” He stretched out and rolled onto his side. “What time is it?”

“Nine am.”

“Nine am?”

“Is it a little too early for you?” I grabbed my phone, which I had temporarily put on the nightstand, and put it back into my purse.

“A little yeah,” he agreed and nodded. “Don’t you think so as well?”

“No, not really, I just woke up.” I shrugged and also picked up my heels, deciding that they were not going to go back on.

He whistled and rubbed his eyes. “Are you not tired? No hangover?”

“Party all night, work all day.”

“Damn…” He sighed, showing that he was impressed with how I was either not feeling it or at least playing it off. “Alright. Well, I’m assuming you’re off then?”

“As much as I’d love to stay, I do actually have a breakfast to get to with my friends.”

“I won’t even second guess that, you haven’t lied to me yet.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I enjoyed last night.” I winked.

He didn’t respond back with something similar, instead he asked, “can I get your number?”

“My number?” I raised an eyebrow in amusement. “What, do you keep a list of trophies?”

“I just want to be able to talk to you.”

I considered my options. There actually wasn’t a reason why I wouldn’t give it to him. If he did nothing with it, then that was that and it didn’t matter. If he did contact me, then I could possibly have another amazing night, which only sounded like something positive. He wasn’t some guy that I didn’t want messaging me. So, there really wasn’t anything from stopping me.

“Alright,” I reached out my hand to signal that he should give his phone.

He turned over to grab his phone from his nightstand and unlocked it before reaching out the length of the bed to hand it to me. I took a step closer and took it from him, finding it already on a new contact page. I filled in my name as J.A.C.I.E. so he couldn’t mix me up with anybody else, my name was an acronym afterall. Of course, I put in my actual phone number and saved the contact before handing it back to him.

“I’ll walk myself out,” I gestured towards the door after he checked over what I had put in. “That way you don’t need to get out of bed.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, already preparing to get out of bed.

“Yeah,” I smirked at him and put my hand on the door handle, “I can still walk, believe it or not.”

He smiled back with a knowing look. “It’s the door right across the living room.”

“Thanks.” I winked back one last time and left his room.

I gently closed the door back behind me and was surprised at the living room. It wasn’t that impressive or anything, I just had no recollection of the place at all. He had some random photos and guitars up on his wall, and I spotted some record plaques up at the stairs that led to god-knows-where. I just walked through the apartment and made sure to order an Uber so I could actually get out of here, wherever I was.

Turned out I was somewhere all the way in Studio City. A little ways away from Downtown LA. It wasn’t too bad, but I was glad I left when I did, because that car journey took more than twenty minutes. And that was because we barely had any traffic. I went straight back to Sarah’s apartment. There was no way I’d go home to change. My dad knew I was out with my friends, but he did not need to see me do the walk of shame. If anything, I needed to avoid him seeing me do one. He did not need to know.

I felt pretty judged the whole ride back. The driver probably wasn’t judging me at all. He was most likely used to driving people home in my situation and I really wasn’t all that embarrassed. I had no regrets. Still, it was like it was ingrained into me, that I had to feel awkward and ashamed. This was no walk of shame. It was the power walk of scoring that night.

Once I got to the apartment, Sarah opened the door very excitedly for me. She had a giddy grin spread across her face and was practically jumping as she let me in. I didn’t know how her night had ended, but she looked ready to go. She was already wearing normal casual clothes and had done her hair and makeup. I looked like a reckless mess next to her.

“Oh my god!” She yelled out as soon as she closed the door. “You need to tell us everything.”

“Is that Jacie?” Hazel’s voice called out from the living room. Once we turned the corner and she saw that it was indeed me, she jumped up from where she was lounging on the couch and sat down, waiting for me to tell the story. “Tell us everything!”

“My back hurts,” I whined with a little laugh. All I could do was rub my hand on my lower back for a bit.

Hazel’s eyes went wide. “I’m going to assume that’s a good thing.”

“He fucked me so good,” I sighed in satisfaction and dropped my shoes on the floor.

“Did he go down on you?!” Sarah joined in again, clapping her hands together in anticipation.

“He did so much more than just go down on me.” I let myself drop down next to Hazel and leaned against her to stare into her eyes. “It was fucking amazing.”

“Best you’ve ever had?” She brushed away some hair in my face.

I breathed out heavily and shrugged in disbelief. “I don’t know how many more years of experience he has, but he’s definitely not some twenty-one-year-old boy.”

“One you go there, you never go back,” Sarah daydreamed.

“Says the one who kicked a boy out at 4am because he was being sloppy,” Hazel snorted.

“Hey!” Sarah threw a pillow at us, only trying to hit Hazel. “I’ll admit that was a low point last night. But – and this is a big one – I did kick him out!”

“What have the others been up to, actually?” I interjected even though I could have probably just checked my text messages to find out.

“No, no, that will come later. Now’s your time to tell us all about that hot blonde guy and you.”

“Well,” I relaxed further into Hazel and she wrapped her arms around me, “let me tell you…”

[musicalhqsgossip]

                                     BLAST002: PARTY RECAP EDITION 2.0

looks like this party sure was a cautionary tale ! over the weekend, some were feeling oh-so pretty ( and gay ) while others were falling totally stupid in love… something’s coming, and it’ll have you seeing stars ! eat a cracker and stop by to read the latest scoop on CADY AND MARIA’S PARTY ! if you’re fearless, look beneath the cut for all the drama that happened tonight, tonight…

first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our lovely ladies, CADY and MARIA ! we heard that the homeschooled jungle freak got w a y too tipsy  and made out with little LES… we wonder what her “ boyfriend “ thought about that… or does he not really care ? perhaps JD still has a bit of VERONICA stuck on his mind. either way, we don’t trust the guy. jd and cady might have made up and locked lips once again… but how long will that last ?

and lets talk about our other birthday girl. seems like MARIA finally got the nerve to ask out her not so secret crush TONY – and with her brother and ex-crush breathing down her neck. do we think it’ll last, though ? those lovebirds wouldn’t know the concept of “ taking it slow “ even if it smacked ‘em right in the face ! though we couldn’t help but have our eyes fixed on TONY and VIVIENNE… what is going on there ? are we delusional, or do those two get along really well ? should MARIA and WES be aware of that little dynamic ?

now we are still on the subject of birthday gals –  what about the soon to be celebrated WENDY BIRD ? just because it wasn’t her party, didn’t mean she had to ditch – and to get high with no one than CLAUDE, no less. talking about a bad influence… a little birdie told me he recited poetry to her, too. how romantic. i wonder whether RIFF ever talks to her like that… 

and talking about the fearless jets leader. showing up to help out little miss sunshine ELLE who was once again crying over WESLEY and VIVIENNE kissing which resulted in yet another argument between the two lawyers… and all over that same boy. again. boo-hoo, tough life much ? maybe next time she should bring bruiser – i am sure that little guy could get a taste for her ex’s ankles… or perhaps she could have wood another guy into taking her home. RIFF took his high as a kite bird, but TONY or JACK might be easily convinced. 

but let’s move on to something more exciting: give it up for our favorite lesbian, WEDNESDAY, finally coming out and proud at last – just in time for the end of pride month ! i mean literally… can i give that hottie a hand ? we are proud of you, boo boo.

CLAUDE got his flirt on with MAUREEN ( who on her turn got a bit flirty with TONY ), again, but after her k i l l e r karaoke performance, our favorite minx went home with MORITZ. did CLAUDE really just let a good one go ? maybe her new boy-toy will impress with his “ talents “ for a bit longer !

moving on to the next topic: the NEWSIES. it looks our newspaper squad stuck together too, with SARAH helping a drunken KAT and SPOT trying yet again to win DAVEY over ! a wholesome crew, you say ? you just wait… there is more. and it’s juicy.

rumor has it that KAT got some loose lips on her, going off and telling JACK that their relationship was never gonna work ( are we surprised ). but it seems that our lil’ JACKIE BOY doesn’t go down without a fight ( again, are we surprised ) and took that passion to kiss the hell outta her ! our baby reporter is gonna have a hard time trying to hide her feelings now. game, set… 

and since we mentioned JACK – seems like the guy got his flirt on again. KAT might have to put in some real effort if she doesn’t want to lose her shot… i noticed a certain BETTY RIZZO getting his interest. our birthday girl CADY seemed to not mind his presence either – i heard that by the end of the night, he was pouring the alcohol straight from the bottle. 

also MINA didn’t seem to mind being left behind: she still got down on the dance floor with MELCHIOR, as if their hookup totally didn’t matter ! or did we completely mistake MINA kissing MARK there… not sure about y’all, but we better see that girl tie him down before he goes running back to AMBER.

talking about our little princess AMBER. i witnessed with my own eyes how she got buzzed and tipsy all too fast and ended up trading kisses with a few exes ! JESSE sure didn’t seem to mind – even though he came with MINA but went off to flirt with ANNA A halfway through the night. that boy sure did not take it easy… maybe these gals were not quite royal enough for his liking. might there be something growing there, ANNA A ? love, at last ?  

and what about ANNABETH. the not-so-little thing must not have known what hit her – poor PERCY and LYDIA attempted a little flirting, but to no avail. will that girl ever get her nose out of her damn book and see the romance right in front of her ? luckily, ANNABETH has seemingly found a new friend in ANNA B. bad bitches have to stick together, am i right ? EVELYN could have been a nice addition to that, but her stone cold type of bitch got in the way again… are we the only one wondering why ETHAN keeps trying with her ? or was that not him talking her up again ? that’s what we thought…

but lets get back to love triangles… how is it that PEDRO keeps getting trapped in the middle of those ? while totally u s i n g GABRIELLA to get over his little birdie ( have a type much, pete ? ), mister ex-boyfriend TROY sure wasn’t too happy about it… you can bet on that ! we spied with our little eye how he was getting drunk early on in the night with no other than JUDAH and boy, did he end up losing his cool at his ex-girlfriend. think GABRIELLA will want him back now ? if they aren’t feeling a headache coming up, i sure am…

speaking of couples that seem to be in trouble: who could have seen the JUDAH and LINK hook-up coming ? sure, we could spot the passion from a mile away – and we could hear them arguing from even further ! but hey – unexpected or not, who really minds two hot boys getting it going… you’re right, not us.

and what is up with MEG and JAMIE WELLERSTEIN… people have reported the brunette to be quite flirtatious that night. and with JAMIE, out of all people ? did not think we would ever say that, but that is a dynamic we will be keeping our eyes on…

a party also would not be a party if there wasn’t some major “ drama “, right ? let us begin with our big bad shark leader BERNARDO – first a confrontation with his little sister’s lover-to-be ex-jet TONY only to go through yet another break-up with ANITA. quite the eventful night for you, huh, nardo… remind us, how many times have ANITA and BERNARDO broken up by now ? is anyone still keeping count ? and what about PEDRO and THERESA ? seems like our little fairy is throwing tantrums again… getting cozy with PEDRO, kissing JOHN, only to get jealous at PEDRO again… what’s up with that, THERESA ? indecisive much ? no wonder WENDY and her suddenly get along – these two aren’t all that different after all. 

talking about JOHN – one darling boy sure did have a great night, huh ? dancing with THERESA after all, flirting with ALIZ, kissing CHINO… not to shabby for a guy who is locked up behind his desk most of the time. you go, dude ! though ALIZ didn’t only get her flirt on with john: the party-planner slash club-owner did not only strike a business deal with LILY, she seemed to get quite cosy with HERO once again. what is going on there ? and are we the only ones who noticed HERO juggling not only aliz but also MEG ? we knew he was an athlete, but not that he’s a player ( see what we did there ? ).

to end on a high note ( literally ), are we the only ones kind of excited by RYAN EVANS’ marvelous appearance – solo and all. sure head bitch SHARPAY will be on cloud nine. and what about that a d o r a b l e reunion between ILSE and her friends – talking about wholesome reunions, right ? guess it wasn’t all bad news that night !

[gae-faerie]

Austenland

Here's part 2 to Austenland, Enjoy!

Part 1: https://mrsbarnesshelby.tumblr.com/post/190127648027/austenland

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As I estimated, 1am is when I fell asleep. Immediately I was disturbed by the loud screaming of my alarm telling me that it was 6am. I groaned in annoyance and slammed my hand down on the silence button. Getting ready quickly, I was on my way. Of course Justas I got to the bus stop, it had just driven off, "Shit" I cursed rubbing a hand over my face, now warm from running. A small elderly woman who was sat next to me, threw a scowl in my direction, her eyes reduced to slits. I could only imagine because of my profanities, "Sorry" I mumbled before speed walking in the direction of the café.

As quickly as I could, I tapped in my code to clock in and tied an apron around my waist. Luckily for me, Veronica's laugh could be heard from the back of the kitchen. At least Steve was distracted for a while. I slipped in behind them and started my daily duties. My phone buzzed lightly in my pocket, lighting up with Anna's smiling face,

'Hey girl, You're getting the train tomorrow morning at 7. I'll drop you off xx'

Talk about short notice Anna! This was going to be awkward to explain my sudden need to leave. While the shop was quiet, I tapped Steve on the shoulder hoping he was in a good mood. He spun around, greeting me with a bright smile. He was actually kind of handsome when he wasn't acting like a heart eyed zombie, following Veronica around. "Lizzie, how can I help you?" He cheered. My eyebrows shot up at his enthusiastic manner ," I .. um.. well, I know that this is very much short notice but, I need to take some time off work" I twisted my fingers in anticipation, but his face never changed, it was like he was in a permanent state of elation. "Yes, yes of course, how long do you need ? A month? Two?" He spoke so fast I could hardly keep up , "Not quite so long, just 2 weeks?" I replied, astounded by his lack of concern. "Of course, of course. Well we'll see you when you get back then!" He rejoiced. "Steve!" A sweet voice called from the back, there she was waving him over. Did she ever do any work? "Wait! does that mean I can go home?" I called as the two sneaked off giggling. I never got an answer so I took it as a yes. I deserved the time off anyway.

 Beep. Beep. Beep. "Come on Lizzie, we're going to be late!" Anna beeped her horn continuously until I was completely out the door, dragging my heavy suitcase with me, "You know I would be going faster if I were to have some help!" I huffed as I hauled my case into the boot of her car. "Sorry doll, can't lift anything, just got my nails done for the pre honeymoon" She wiggled her perfect red manicured fingers at me. Anna really was perfectly glamourous, her blonde highlighted hair was always blow dried to perfection, her hazel eyes sparkled whenever she spoke passionately. A lot of people were intimidated by her beauty but I would just look at her and smile.

The black screen that broadcasted the 8:30 train to Bakewell, Derbyshire glowed orange. I turned to Anna, a huge glowing smile on my face "Thank you so much for this, I'm so lucky to have you" tears began to swell in my eyes with appreciation, " Don't even mention it, I love you doll, have an amazing time" She wrapped me in a hug before ushering me onto the train. I took a window seat with a table and got my copy of Pride and Prejudice out ready for the ride. I waved at her until she was a tiny smudge in the distance. I was doing this, my dream. Lyme house, the place where Mr Darcy lived. Cue intense amount of fangirling. My fingers fused with the parchment of the book as a light sweat covered my hands. I was nervous, how many people would be there? Would I be accepted? I tried not to get worked up, this was going to be good. It was going to be perfect.

Pulling up in front of Lyme house, I couldn't help but stare in awe. One person would own all of this? How would you have time to clean it all? "Hello! Hello there!" A high pitched voice called out. A tall woman clad in bright pink was running towards me, "Oh hello! Are you here for Austenland too?" She wore a huge smile on her pretty face. Her cheeks were bright with blusher and her yellow blonde hair was wrapped up in tight curls, " Hi, yes I am, my nam-" Delight consumed her face, "Oh brilliant! let's go check you in" I didn't even get to ask her name before she grabbed my hand and started guiding to the 'check in'. We arrived at a smaller house that was just outside the house grounds, sat behind a desk was an older woman who looked strikingly like Mrs Bennett. Her hair was pulled back with a few curls framing her face, and a white lace bonnet on her head. Her eyes were cold, and immediately unimpressed with me with the way she looked me up and down, "You are?" She asked in a nasty, privileged kind of way. "Elizabeth Aston" I smiled trying to warm her aura. "There will be some rules during your stay with us. 1. No electronic devices " She held out her hand expectantly. Immediately I pushed it into her hand, "2. No modern clothing 3. You will be assigned 1 love interest through out your stay 4. Absolutely no inappropriate touching of the actors" The word actors made me wince, nothing was going to be real, "There will be a trunk of the correct clothing in your room, which I'm sure Miss Taylor won't mind escorting you to" I gave her a curt nod and turned to leave, "Oh and Miss Aston, if you need anything, I am the woman of the house Mrs Becker"

Miss Sarah Taylor lead me to my room, the house was just as I had imagined it. I really would be living here, even if it was just for a while, "This is your room, oh isn't it beautiful!" Miss Taylor exclaimed. Her enthusiasm was astounding honestly, almost as astounding as the vibrant pink regency dress she wore, with a neon green feather tucked into the back of her hair. She was sweet but I couldn't help laughing at her good spirits, "Thank you Sarah" I grinned at her and began searching through the wooden trunk of dresses. I pulled out a wonderful cream and gold dress, staring at it's shimmer. "I'm staying down the hall, and dinner is at 6" She chirped, just as she was about to leave, I called her back, "Sarah, could you please help me? I've never put on one of these before" I questioned. I'd never seen anyone's eyes light up the way hers did in that moment. She let out a little squeal and immediately began doing my hair, "I've waited my whole life for this moment"

After a couple of hours of politely telling Sarah that neon yellow really wasn't my colour, we settled on the elegant white and gold dress I had chosen. Curls rippled down both sides of my face and the rest was up in a braided bun. "I think you may just be a genius " I said twirling a piece of hair around my finger. She admired her work on me from afar," Yes it is some of my best work. Now I must go change into my evening gown so I will meet you at dinner" And she giddily galloped out of the door. A small burst of anxiety began brewing in my stomach as I made my way down the grand staircase. Sucking in a deep breath, I went to push the double doors open, but they opened on their own. Two butlers were standing by the doors, they were wearing awful white wigs and their skin was too dark a shade of orange to be natural, "Oh there you are Miss Aston, I was wondering whether you had gotten lost" Mrs Becker's gravelly voice echoed through out the dining room.

The wooden walls were a rich mahogany, accompanied by portraits of the former family of the house. Sitting in the middle was a long table draped with a starched white table cloth. Running down the middle was the largest variety of meats, vegetables, fruits, jellies in amazing intricate designs and pies, "Come along girl, the food is getting cold" Mrs Becker snapped causing me to acknowledge the other people in the room. She motioned for me to take a seat a chair down from a man with a huge moustache that curled into little 'c's on each side. He grinned at me in the same enthusiastic way that Sarah did, "Miss Aston, allow me to introduce you to Mr Andrew Westcott on your right, Miss Caroline Evans, Mr Becker my husband and my nephew Mr Henry Clayton" Mrs Becker introduced everyone. I gave a small nod and smiled at everyone until my eyes rested on Henry Clayton. I think I blinked several times too many trying to distinguish an imperfection on that mans face, "Good.. Good evening Mr Clayton" My voice wavered. He barely even had the manners to look at me before returning the to his food, "Evening" He replied, short, sharp and unfeeling. How rude. I swiftly gazed around the table until I locked eyes with Caroline Evans, she beamed at me but it did not reach her eyes, "My, my I must say Miss Aston you are looking awfully handsome this evening" Mr Westcott declared with volume. His accent was strange, almost as if he was faking a British accent but it was real. Just as I was about to thank him, Mr Clayton interjected with a sneer. I raised my eyebrow at his blatant distaste for me, "Something the matter Mr Clayton?" I asked with faux politeness. He looked at me again with no emotion, "One's looks can be deceiving" I could not supress the annoyance scrunching up on my face, what a disagreeable man! , "One could say the same thing about you, I would assume that you were a pleasant man had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner" I retorted, feeling my face and neck warm, when I realised that everyone was watching us.

There was an awkward silence for a moment until- "Here I am !" Sarah burst through the doors, knocking the butlers clean out. Her booming American accent echoed throughout the room. She looked regal... in a luminous pink kind of way but eye catching none the less. Mr Westcott looked thoroughly impressed, while Miss Evans not so much, "Ah Miss Taylor, I am so glad that you could join us this evening" Mrs Becker said looking delighted. Sarah perched next to me, immediately digging into her food, "What took you so long, Everyone here hates me" I whispered to her. She giggled girlishly before glancing at something behind me. It was Mr Westcott. "I had to look my best" she winked, "I do wonder Mrs Becker if I could entertain you and the other guests with a few songs on your grand piano after supper" Miss Evans suggested batting her eyes in the direction of Mr Clayton. I think someone had an admirer..

    I hope that you liked this chapter! There is a lot more to come, more fluff is on the way. Stay tuned everyone, thank you for reading xxx

[dipulb3]

How the pandemic has changed Americans' spending and saving habits

New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/how-the-pandemic-has-changed-americans-spending-and-saving-habits/

How the pandemic has changed Americans' spending and saving habits

Appradab Business asked readers how the pandemic has changed their spending and saving habits. Here’s what some of them had to say.

Paul Grim described himself and his wife, Michelle, as “more savers than spenders” before the pandemic struck.

Then Grim was laid off from his IT job. His wife, who is still working, has reduced her 401(k) contributions to free up some cash.

“We have been dipping into our emergency savings to cover our bills where unemployment falls short,” he said.

The couple, who live in upstate New York with their dog, Barley, are eating at home, minimizing impulse purchases and postponing pricey things like dental work.

“Once I am working again we intend to increase the amount of our emergency fund to ensure we are even more well-prepared for any potential future financial emergency, no matter how severe,” Grim said.

Jim Stearns of Alaska runs big events for nonprofits, including the state’s annual music festival Salmonfest. But his business dried up once large gatherings were canceled.

When he started collecting unemployment he was getting $800 a week, but that has since fallen to $200 a week, after the temporary $600 weekly federal supplement expired. Now he is tapping his savings to support himself and his teenage daughter.

“I’m spending very little as my savings slowly but surely diminishes by the day,” he said.

Stearns is less worried about himself than the hundreds of vendors and musicians he normally books for events. “I can limp along and survive. But the tragedy of this is this incredible trickle-down effect.”

Slashing expenses, saving more

Sarah Way reworked her family budget when her part-time job in California was cut back to one day a week and her husband’s employer temporarily cut his pay in half. Travel, dinners out and commuting expenses were eliminated by default because of the pandemic. But she went even deeper.

“We parked a car and took it off insurance. We cut cable TV. We slashed the grocery bill. After four months, my hubby’s salary went back to normal, but we didn’t adjust our budget back up,” Way said.

Instead, she noted, “We have increased our retirement savings and built a six-month cash reserve. We did complete a few house projects that had gone unfinished, but for the most part we are in better shape now than we were before Covid.”

Natalie Sawyer, a school administrator in Texas whose husband is a retired military officer and now a teacher, also took the pandemic as an opportunity to power-drive household savings.

“Before Covid, I spent money without even thinking about it. We ate out a lot and I shopped for things that I didn’t necessarily need. It was a kind of free-for-all with my money. Once Covid hit and [we] were forced to stay in, we started cooking all of [our] meals,” Sawyer said.

“With that in mind, starting in March I decided to put $500 a month in an interest-bearing online savings account just to see if I could make it work.”

Sawyer has saved an extra $4,200 so far. Even though she has resumed some shopping, she said, “I find myself not spending nearly as much as I used to and we’re still cooking a lot more at home. … Covid helped us realize that we don’t need most of the stuff that we were spending on.”

Karen Jones works in the cloud software industry in Oregon. Her husband, Kim, whose work is tied to outdoor concerts and fairs, was laid off early on in the pandemic, then brought back in June. But he was laid off again in mid-August.

Jones initially halted contributions to her 401(k) and put the money into their savings account. “I wanted cash that I could get to right away if needed and I didn’t have faith that the market wouldn’t slide further and negate any contributions that I made during that time,” she said.

The couple canceled vacation plans and paid off their credit cards. The extra money her husband got as a result of the temporary $600 a week federal unemployment subsidy went toward savings. Jones is also saving money on gas and lunches out because she has been working from home.

“We still eat out or [do] takeout once a week to support local businesses, but are not looking for any other big ticket activities such as vacations through the summer of next year,” Jones said.

Putting life on hold

Michelle Williams graduated from college during the Great Recession in 2008. And it was only recently that she and her husband, Sheldon, had felt financially and professionally secure enough to consider trading up to a better house from their starter home in Missouri. They also were going to start a family.

Now they’re holding off.

Williams, who works for her county’s public library, didn’t lose her job. But her husband was laid off in March. He has since found new work, but their household income is a little less than before. Still, Williams said, “We are very, very lucky.”

Normally she’d put any extra money they made toward their mortgage or student loan debt. And she had planned to start saving for retirement before Covid hit, but now all spare cash is used to create a six-month financial cushion should they lose their jobs in the next year or have a big medical expense. “I don’t know what might be coming in the near future,” Williams said.

Paying off debts

Kalikoweo Keolanui-Daniele and her husband, Louis Daniele, both work for a coffee producer in Hawaii and live in a remote area, where their home — now paid off — runs on solar power and rainwater. They also grow their own vegetables.

Neither has been laid off, but Keolanui said the pandemic has made a huge impact on their money habits.

She used their stimulus check to pay down credit card debt and put more money toward her auto loan so she can pay it off faster. Plus, she added, “I put at least half [my paycheck] toward savings and plan to continue to do this to build up an emergency nest egg.”

They’ve eliminated all non-essential spending — from recreational shopping to haircuts and beauty treatments. Keolanui did, however, invest in a good pair of hair scissors.

“I feel more and more comfortable the bigger that nest egg gets,” she said. “You just don’t know what’s going to happen. There’s so much uncertainty.”

Looking to buy a home

Gillian Needham, a mental health practitioner, and her partner, Mike Ryerse, were not savers before the pandemic. They used to spend most of their disposable income traveling from their home in Minnesota to see their favorite bands.

But the pandemic has provided them an opportunity to squirrel away money.

“Since Covid began, we have dropped event and bar attendance to zero and have been able to save nearly $10,000 in the last seven months,” Needham said. That money is now earmarked to help them buy their first house.

Looking ahead, Needham expects they’ll continue to save and not only because there’s not much they do during the cold winters. “[The longer] I do something the more it sticks,” she said.

‘Comfort shopping’

Anna Harrington, a college professor in Tennessee, has never been much of a shopper. She used to spend money on plants, concerts and theater. But since the pandemic, she’s become a kind of impulse shopper.

“I’m ‘comfort shopping’ the way that others ‘comfort eat,'” Harrington said. “I’m saving and spending the same amounts as before — I’m lucky that my job is secure. But this past summer, I bought the oddest things I never would have normally bought — a sunrise alarm clock, pink fuzzy bunny slippers, the entire Buffy the Vampire CD collection, and vintage furniture from the 1970s,” Harrington said.

“When the bunny slippers arrived, I thought, ‘What am I doing?'”

Donating more than ever

Harrington also said that she’s making more charitable contributions than ever, including donating her entire stimulus check.

So is Kristina Laursen-Carr, a substitute teacher in upstate New York with four children. She feels lucky that her family’s finances have remained stable. Her husband, Joseph, a helicopter pilot who is retired from the military, is the main breadwinner and works for an air ambulance company.

When the pandemic hit, Laursen-Carr no longer traveled to pick up their two daughters and bring them home from college every weekend. And the family didn’t take vacation this summer. So she used the money they saved to bolster their retirement savings and help others.

“The best thing we started to do was buy food [and other] items for our local food bank on a weekly basis. We donate between $20 to $30 each week,” Laursen-Carr said.

Doyle Tarver, a retiree now living in Mexico, said his income — from Social Security and savings — has remained steady. But Tarver said he has been spending more in recent months than before the pandemic to support local businesses, even if it means sometimes buying things he doesn’t need. And he’s been tipping wait staff in restaurants up to 50%.

“I feel fortunate to be in the financial situation I am in and think everyone in a position to help should do so,” Tarver said. “There are many out there who have lost their jobs or had their hours reduced and need our help.”

[thefreelanceangel]

Tagged: Three Characters

I admit right off the bat that I absolutely suck at this game. I only ever see parallels between my characters and others long after the fact. So... This is gonna be sparse. 

The Purpose: Name three characters similar to yours. {Or at least ones that share strong personality traits.}

Annalei d’Latu:

Dona Elena Atima: The originator of all my “vicious, power-hungry ladder-climbers” character is my Dark Ages Lasombra. Elena went through seven husbands, over two thousand years of surviving in the Sabbat and attained a level of near godlike power. (Methuselah, in game terms.) She’s also insanely obsessive, cannot bear to have control taken out of her hands about anything and wouldn’t hesitate to kill anyone if it meant furthering her plans. 

Azhrarn, Night’s Master: The titular character from Tanith Lee’s “Night’s Master” has quite a few traits I associate with Anna. Perhaps the most telling is the quote I love so very dearly for her.

“And I will love you; for such as I am, I do not give my love lightly, but once given it is sure. Only remember this, if ever you make an enemy of me, your life shall be as dust or sand in the wind.”

Cersei Lannister: I could go into a very lengthy breakdown of why Anna and Cersei are very, very similar, but a single quote from “A Dance of Dragons” by George R. R. Martin will suffice. 

“She never forgets a slight, real or imagined. She takes caution for cowardice and dissent for defiance. And she is greedy. Greedy for power, for honour, for love.” 

Ferazhin Mercile: 

Vel Thaidis Yune Hirz: One of the main characters from “Day by Night” by Tanith Lee, she has a very similar “spoiled rich girl thrown into misfortune by her own actions” pattern going along. She also has the same arrogance that rises at all the wrong moments, complete with not wanting to face up to reality when it bites her on the nose.

Sarah Williams: The protagonist of “Labyrinth” spends the entire film learning that she has to take responsibility for herself, including making reality into what she wants rather than retreating into fantasy. It’s a lesson Ferazhin hasn’t yet learned, but her “daring to be sassy to those who can punish her for it” is certainly very much a thing.

Longing Lore: An old character of mine made for a Neverwinter Nights server, Lore very much considered herself a victim of circumstance rather than an active agent in her own life. She had some cause for it--Ferazhin really doesn’t--but certainly shares that fatalistic view with Ferazhin that “this is just how it is, I can’t possibly fix anything.”

Summer Bellmayne:

The Phouka: The main love interest from Emma Bull’s novel “War for the Oaks” is a trickster fae with smooth charm, an amazing wardrobe and a remarkable ability to be the most annoying creature on earth while flashing a brilliant smile. The pixie catte tries to emulate all of this; she’s still working on his incredible ability to toss off profoundly accurate endearments without a moment’s thought. 

Jilly Coppercorn: Although Charles de Lint’s character has a much, much more traumatic background than Summer, they share the same determinedly optimistic outlook and, obviously, belief in the fae. Summer’s is slightly less impressive because, you know, she knows fae are real. They did raise her after all. 

Camillo Scarabae: Tanith Lee’s Scarabae family from the Blood Opera trilogy are a rule unto themselves, and Camillo is a rule beyond that. With his ability to drop out of sight, create an entirely new life for himself and reappear in the best of health and circumstances, he’s very much in line with Summer’s ability to leave different impressions of herself behind. 

Tagged by: @katalinhunter; @va1kyn; @yshai-tia

Tagging: @scarssdoesrp (I’ll tag him till he does something); @mirugaidoesthings​; @janderius-ffxiv​; @mining-dust​; @kymeira​; @lareine-kira​; @gatheredfates​; @sola-ffxiv​; @thedarknesssings​; @thorstyrh​ --anyone else not get tagged? Do it! This took me AGES to finish so I’m probably way behind.

[practicalbuoyancy]

My First Community

How the city I tried running away from for two whole years turned into my hardest goodbye. 

I’ve reached the point in crying where tears are replaced with a bizarre gasping for air. Occasionally, a howl will break through that common decency should render me embarrassed for, but I’m alone with Kevin and my daughter’s sound machine is on. So I continue crying, howling, and gasping for air. 

Likely because we’re in the middle of a pandemic that destroys the ability to breathe, I’m constantly aware of the inhales and exhales that seem more strained than normal. I check to make sure I can get a full breath. They’re hiccuping, staccato things. But ultimately, they add up to a full breath. 

With only one full day ahead of me, my final hours in our little home in Detroit feel suffocating. 

Where do I even begin to explain the depths of my pain? I was never supposed to be here. Kids my age don’t own homes. We don’t buy fixer uppers and put 2x more into it than what the market suggests is reasonable. We don’t sit on our front lawns and form relationships with our middle-aged and elderly neighbors. What is this bizarre alternate universe? At my 5-year college reunion, I felt deeply inadequate and ashamed next to the consultants, journalists, engineers, doctors, and lawyers my friends had become. But they looked at me and called me the adult. HA! 

All because of a house. That, completely renovated, cost $500 less/month than a 2 bedroom apartment we were renting at the time. 

So why did we do it? Partially because my husband and I were idiot children who simultaneously thought getting three dogs was a good idea, but mostly because of the people we met in our first year away from home. 

You see, when I was first brought here by Teach for America, the guy who interviewed me explained the most important thing is community. “Sure, I get it,” I thought to myself. I had gone to churches before. After becoming a Christian in college, I had been attached to several campus ministries, some more than others. I did lots of campus activities and met many people whom I cherish with my whole heart to this day. 

My first year in Michigan, I spent so many nights crying about missing school that at one point Kevin literally carried me into a car and drove me to Chicago that night just so I could have deep dish pizza. Southeast Michigan was never the end goal. It was a stop-gap before we could get back to Chicago, where I would live on Belmont and have two fluffy Samoyeds I walked up and down the street. 

But then I met Jonny. Then Eric. Then Joanne. Then Jonathan and Laura. Then Scott and Edythe. I met Ashley and Ginny and Leon and Rebecca and Mike and Elisha and Kyle and Tasha and Sarah and Sam and Elizabeth and Jon and I know the more people I name the more others will feel left out so just know, dear reader, that I met so many people who have imprinted wonderful things on my heart. And after seeing their fierce passion for the Lord, the world, and each other, my heart was theirs forever. 

Now, I should admit here that it wasn’t as easy or as quickly or as romantic as retrospective writing lends itself to imagine. I was still planning on going back to Chicago. Both Kevin and I were deeply depressed and incapable of forging relationships. After we joined a small group, we essentially whined to them every week about how much we didn’t like it here and just wanted to go back “home.” Our small group loved us anyway, encouraging us, holding us, and always helping us seek what was the best for our hearts and our walks with the Lord. Even though we were little punks about it. 

I still remember the day Kevin proposed we change the plan. We were having one of our long road trip conversations. The empty miles ahead of us tend to allow us to get into deeper conversations without distractions. Before this conversation, we were just trying to make it to the end of my commitment with Teach for America. Two years, then we would return back to Chicago where we belonged. That was our plan. We had never wavered from this plan. 

Kevin, who had had an even harder time than I had moving to Detroit, strangely brought up, “Well, my 401k matching doesn’t kick in until I stay 3 years, and you could get your certificate if you stayed a third year... so... should we do one more?” 

Everything that had planned before we moved screamed, “NO!” But everything that was growing within me in this community said, “We can try.” 

That year, we decided to buy a home. It was a drab thing that was two days away from being foreclosed due to three years of no taxes paid. The homeowners had a better life with better housing in the suburbs. This was no longer a burden they wanted to deal with. 

We signed a land contract and purchased the home for $14,800. 

The next six months, we learned why everyone hates home renovations. We COMPLETELY redid our home. All new windows, new roof, paint, floors, bathroom. We knocked down walls and doubled the size of the kitchen. We threw out the clawfoot to the shock of many. (I honestly still don’t understand the appeal.) We made countless decisions and grew angry with sloppy painters and had five different subcontractors do our siding. We fell in love with the end product, even with all of its quirks, and called it a home. 

We spent four beloved years in that house. 

We had our dogs. We brought home Violet. We hosted countless silly parties, from Christmas to Harry Potter themed. We fought a lot in that house. We cried some. We watched a LOT of television and put together many puzzles. We held friends in that house. Friends held us. 

Because alongside all of these decisions to stay, the first decision we made was to finally yield to the longing of our hearts and belong to our community. I wrote a childish note to the woman who is now my best friend asking if she’d be friends with me. I called my small group leaders Mom and Dad far after it stopped being cute and was just plain uncomfortable. I got to know our neighbors. Dave loves Sister Pie. He can’t leave an interaction without asking us a question to get to know us better, even four years later. Vionca had a child close to the same age as Violet. She is a fiercely loyal mother who both loves her kids dearly and doesn’t take crap from them. When we brought Violet home, they both brought over presents and doted on her. 

My church community here walked with me through the worst of my depression and trauma, bringing me food and CDs and sitting and crying with me when I exclaimed, “I’m done with it all!” They encouraged us constantly. I don’t think I’ve ever truly believed I had that much value before the constant uplifting and encouraging of my friends, who saw me as a child of God and communicated that fervently. 

I found a job I loved and grew an even larger community. No one makes me laugh harder than my work friends. No one understands my anxiety and depression better. No one will let me sing show tunes with them. Oh, no, that was just the end of the sentence. Sometimes even Anna needs to work. I’m not bitter or anything. 

I feel so much pain because I’ve felt so much love. I never knew what it was like to live surrounded by love. My communities were strong in college, but they were fragmented. I had different circles and different people I cherished and continue to cherish. But here, everyone I loved in the world was within ten minutes from me. I’ve never experienced a greater treasure than that of proximity to all that I love. 

I don’t know what the future will look like. The part of me that holds on until the very end is the part of me that lies and says nothing will be different. The part of me that has been through similar heartache and change tells me that it will all be different. The doomsday forecaster in my brain likes to tell me I’ll never have better friends so why bother trying. Also, Silicon Valley people are really high strung. Stresses me out. But... In ‘N’ Out is there... 

I am so thankful for my people. I am so thankful for my community. I am so thankful for the grief I feel. My pain is proportionate to my love. And I have so, so much love for my people here. 

until california,

mi

[solesurvivorkat]

Love Thyself Challenge

Tagged by @noonvvraith​, thank you hon!   :-)  <3

(..............I know, this was like 100 years ago - seriously, I can’t apologize enough. <3 )

.....ANYWAY.

— RULES: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc. ) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, so... full disclosure - I haven’t done 5 different things in the last year. But in the spirit of the tag, I will (briefly) discuss the three that I have:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1) ‘I Need to Tell You’, my FC5 no-cult AU based on the ‘90s movie ‘While You Were Sleeping’: I still don’t know why this movie popped into my head like it did. I mean, I’ve always enjoyed it, but there’s no logical reason why my brain should have latched onto it.  ::shrugs::  And especially b/c I’m waaaaaay behind in updating my other two fics (FC5 & FO4) - for all intents & purposes, I never should have started a third fic. But, my brain wouldn’t stop bugging me about it, and I had hit a dry spell w/ my other writing (lots of stuff going on in my life & it’s not always easy to juggle everything), so I figured I might as well write something while I was somewhat passionate/enthusiastic about it. Now... granted - very few people have read this one (it feels like) and only one person regularly comments on it. I’m sure it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, especially since it’s based on a ‘90s movie that I doubt is that popular anyway, and I’m hardly the most popular person in this fandom w/ my OC & my writing to begin with. BUT... I am still having fun writing it. So despite my general unpopularity and lack of response/feedback, save for a very select few (not a dig, just speaking the truth), I’m gonna keep writing it... for me, if nothing else. ...And my one commenter, LOL.  ;-)  <3

2) ‘A Christmas (Eve) to Remember’, a late 'Secret Santa' gift for @teamhawkeye​: ...It’s unfortunately a normal thing for me to torture myself w/ my writing, either by doing a stupid amount of background research on something in the fic (to the point when I’m almost cross-eyed), or by over-analyzing my writing to the point that I can barely think straight (Is that the best word choice? Could I phrase that sentence better? More description? Too wordy? Not wordy enough? Etc) When I’m writing something for someone else, however, it becomes even WORSE. I almost drove myself nuts with this one. And not for lack of trying, but I don’t even think it’s that fantastic. ...I really did try, but... sometimes you either have it, or you don’t, lol. I’m like the guitar player in the subway that people pretend not to see, and they might get an occasional ‘pity dollar’ or two, LOL! ANYWAY, this was just a little blurb about John and @teamhawkeye​‘s Dep OC Anna Bishop giving each other little presents for Christmas. ...Like I said, nothing overwhelming, just something I put effort into for a wonderful, amazing lady who has and continues to inspire me in my writing and otherwise all the time. She has always been nothing but kind to me, and I feel very blessed that I’ve had the chance to know her & to write even a little for her wonderful, amazing character Anna.  <3

3) ‘The Book of John’, my Far Cry 5 fic: ...Dear oh dear. ...As I’m always saying, I have not abandoned this, nor my FO4 fic (over a year since that one’s last update). And by the time I do update either one of these, I’m sure no one will care anymore. Such is the way with fandom fanfic. We do it first and foremost b/c we love the fandom/want to tell a story, but of course we want other people to like/support it too. And when the fandom gets older/slowly fades away, so do most of its hardcore fans, and people read their stories less (seems that way, anyway). I DO absolutely want to tell Deputy Sarah Rook’s story, even if no one really cares about it/her. I don’t want all these years of working on my writing to have been for nothing - even if they are kind of for nothing. I have a whole story outlined for my personal FC5 story canon, and one way or another I will share it at some point. ..... (sighs) .....I dunno.....

[wolfpawn]

Life is a Game of Risks, Chapter 26

Chapter Summary - Tom asked Alexianna and Lily to join him for a few days with his family, leading to her discussing Daniel and a small revelation regarding her and her brother of late, which Tom tries to assist with.

TRIGGERS - Past domestic abuse, Past emotional abuse, Past sexual abuse.

Previous Chapter

Tags: @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @theoneanna

Request if you wish to be tagged

Alexianna looked at Tom with a look of concern on her face. It had been over a month since he had handed her her divorce papers and in that time he has spent as much time as was physically possible with her though it was quite difficult with the Ragnarok premiere and press junket that needed to be done also. Since his return, he had been adamant to bring both Alexianna and Lily to his mother's in Suffolk. The Hiddleston family had planned to get together over the Halloween break to spend time as a family. Alexianna felt that she and Lily would be intruding on their time and as such did not see it as her place to go, Tom, on the other hand, felt it was not right it to turn up to his family home without them. This led to the yet another concerning issue for Alexianna, because of the situation before we're Diana turned up to Tom's house unexpectedly, his mother was well aware that she and Tom were sharing a bed from time to time, but to turn up at his family home, for his sisters and their husbands to know the intimacy of the relationship even with the occasional being spotted by the paparazzi, it made her feel somewhat exposed and uncomfortable.

‘I'm not sure, I mean don't you want to spend time with your family? Just your family?’

‘Yakov and Jack have always been welcome at my mother's even before I married my sisters, come to think of it, they were more welcome then, because since then they have married my little sisters, well one little sister, one is older but still smaller than me so I can count for something, surely?’

‘So she was less inclined to like them after their married your sisters?’

‘No, my mother is very fond of them still, it's me isn't as welcoming considering they are my sisters.’

‘What if Daniel treated you like that? A tad hypocritical is it not?’ She argued.

‘I am aware of Daniel's opinion of me, I think you forget I was there the night that he came to the car to invite me in.  I know it was not to say hello, but the scope out exactly what I was doing and what I wanted from you. he made it quite clear how little he approved, but he is your older brother, I understand and respect him looking out for you. Same as I did with my sisters. Speaking of which, when is your brother home?’

‘He...I don’t think he is coming anytime soon.’

‘Lexi?’

‘He went on a holiday with a few of the guys off the rig and met someone.’

‘That’s nice, isn’t it?’ Tom asked.

‘No I am happy for him, I am. I just...Lily is asking to see him and I feel guilty that he is not here.’

‘Lexi, you knew he would find someone sooner or later, and with how good he has been with Lily, he was going to be taken by some girl.’

‘I know, and I want to be happy, but I have not heard from him in two and a half weeks and the last time I did was a “Fine” text, nothing more.’

‘Did you contact him since?’

‘Four times.’

Tom swallowed slightly, conceding that indeed, that was somewhat noteworthy. ‘Maybe he’s busy?’

‘I know he is, he has a picture of her and her kid on Facebook, he went with them to the zoo.’ Tom did not know what to say. ‘I am not being unreasonable. I am so happy he has someone, but he’s all I have left as a family now, so even a once a week “Hey sis, hope you’re okay,” would be nice. I mean, I don’t want anything from him, only to talk every now and then.’

Tom pulled her to him and kissed her temple. ‘I think that is fair enough. I try to contact my sisters with anything I find out that I think they will enjoy or if I have any news. I never go longer than a week without some form of contact.’

‘That’s all I want.’

‘Why don’t you send him a text or an email saying that, just that you miss talking to him, that you see he met someone and you’d love to hear about her?’

‘Isn’t four messages unanswered embarrassing enough?; She sighed. ‘About Suffolk…’

‘Please consider coming, everyone really wants to see you and Lily, in fact, Sophie hasn't stopped going on about it. Emma isn't giving her a cousin, so I think she is stealing Lily as one. she seems to think this is brilliant, a new cousin without all the baby stage where they are apparently boring and straight to the “someone to talk to about films, TV and toys” phase, while also being someone she can be older than, which apparently matters, as it gives her seniority, so she can still be the boss that she thinks she is, she is excited to have someone to play with. And the fact, of course, she is another girl, Yakov’s brother only has two boys, I think she's sick of being the only girl.’ For a man of thirty-six, Tom seemed to have perfected the “puppy dog pleading eyes” technique and was using it in an attempt to convince her into going to the event.

Alexianna did her best to not look him in the eye as he did it, ‘You’d think since I have a four-year-old, I would be used to this, but you were taking it to a whole other level, mister.’

‘Is that a yes?’ he asked, with a cheeky grin on his face.

‘Fine.’ she conceded. Though she looks slightly concerned, there was little denying that she had an excited look on her face also. ‘At least I know the people there.’ she laughed, ‘Well most of them.’

‘Yakov and Jack will know how you feel, considering he had to do this at one stage, they are very nice people.’

‘The difference being, neither of them came with extra baggage, did they?’

‘Lily is not baggage, stop that now. My family know about her and are very excited to meet her. My mum adores her, Emma adores her, Sophie is dying to meet her, so is Sarah and Yakov, and Jack is just waiting to see who this girl is that Emma has not stopped talking about and has probably told him every last detail of what you used to do together when you hang around when your kids.’

‘We were teenagers, not kids.’ Alexianna stated indignantly.

‘You moved next door when you're eight, who started out of kids.’ Tom argued. ‘I promise, it will be a lovely time, it always is. Just make sure to pack an extra warm jacket. It's fun to walk by the sea but it can get pretty chilly.’

*

Tom looked at Daniel’s profile page in front of him on the computer screen. part of him thought it was best to not to interfere, but knowing how much it upset Alexianna to not be speaking more often with her brother. He felt, as her partner, that perhaps, since she was scared to try and contact him yet again, he could try. He was certain, going by the way Daniel acted around his sister and his niece, that this “snuff” was unintended, more than likely brought on by his own new relationship. So clicking on the message icon, Tom type a very short message to the other man, hoping to reinstate contact between the siblings.

Tom -  hello Daniel, I do not wish to insert myself into something that is not my business, but I feel I need to speak to you regarding Lexi. Of late, she is under the impression that you were in some manner not speaking to her. She says that she has tried to make contact with you on a few occasions but that you never responded. I am aware that this really isn't my business, but considering it is upsetting Lexi and indeed Lily, I thought I would ask if there was an issue because I am sure neither of us wants either of our girls unhappy for no reason.

Tom looked at the message for several minutes, wondering if it was like to send it at all, but remembering just how upset Alexianna was and indeed, seeing with his own eyes that Lily was actively asking when she could speak to her uncle again, he hoped he was making the right decision before clicking send.

Hardly two minutes later, the message symbol came up on his own screen, telling him that he had a new message. Seeing that was Daniel, he inhaled deeply and clicked on it.

Daniel - Hello Tom, I have to admit I was slightly confused as to you contacting me but having read why I can understand. No there is no issue between myself and Alexianna, I kept getting her messages, but if I am honest, I kept thinking to myself I would reply to them soon, but never did. Hearing how hurt she and Lily are by this, make me feel somewhat guilty. I haven't even told her about Anna or indeed when I plan to see her and Lily again soon. Thank you for telling me this, I can imagine it felt somewhat awkward contacting me, considering I am her older brother, but I appreciate it.

Though if I'm honest, it's weird seeing “our girls” on your message. Just goes to show, it's been me and Alex for far too long. I will contact her as soon as I finish here, I'd rather call her instead of just typing something maybe that might make up for some of my lack of contact. But other than that, is she ok?

Tom -  She's fine, she has some news for you actually quite a bit of news, all good. different things have been coming together for her she's incredibly happy and I think it was a little gentle nudge, perhaps with your help, I can convince her to get a slightly bigger place for herself and Lily, while still within reach of Lily's School.

Daniel - Shit, I forgot that she's started, what sort of brother am I?

Tom -  if it's any consolation, I did the same with Sophie.

Daniel - I'm going to assume that is your niece. It doesn't make it any better, I always promised Lily that I would do everything I could for her, so for me to not even ask how her first day of school went, that's just wrong. I can't thank you enough Tom for contacting me. I'm here spending time with Anna and her sister, I don't even spend time talking to my own.

Tom - You can change that now by contact with them, both of them are really hoping to hear from you.

Daniel - Thank you, Tom, thank you for looking after them and for not using them as camera fodder, I'm not going to lie, I was terrified that you would do that.

Tom - I understand. Who knows, we might see you soon.

Tom came offline and sat back for a moment, thinking about what he had just done, hoping it was the right thing to do and that Alexianna would not feel betrayed by him contacting Daniel on her behalf.

* As it turned out, Alexianna was elated by his interference, as it meant that she was finally speaking with her brother again. He told her about Anna, her age, her job, her hobbies and other bits and pieces about her. her father had remarried ten years ago and had a child with his second wife, but he had been killed in a car accident, so Anna now helped to care for her sister Joanne a lot, hence the photo of them at the zoo with her. Apparently, any guy that Anna would go with had to be ok with Joanne, that had caused Alexianna to laugh, no one would be more perfect than Daniel. He told her about where he was living now, Edinburgh. He insisted that she and Lily would have to come and visit soon when Lily was on holidays from school, but that he would make his way down to them beforehand, the end of October was apparently too long between visits.

Lily cried with glee at seeing her uncle FaceTime her mum. It took ten minutes to tell her uncle everything that has happened with school, and how she had loads of new friends and of how much fun she was having with Mum and Tom. For her part, Alexianna had the most exciting news. She told Daniel about her divorce, about Edward threats that Jonathan wanted her to sign. Lily, who was across the room when her uncle heard this but able to make out the swear words he was using to refer to the two men. She also told him of what Tom had his friend do, something he messaged Tom about later thanking him profusely for everything he had done. After all of that, Alexianna told him her newest news, she been hired as an intern that would give her extra learning but also a greater income that went hand in hand with her degree.

She has not been successful getting an internship with Luke’s company; Luke explained that her lack of experience and her relationship with Tom made it too complicated for her to work for him, but he gave her CV to a friend of his who wanted to train someone from scratch and it had resulted in her working parttime as well as studying, the HR management arranged a timeshare position for her and another intern that permission to them to both go to college and do their job. it's doubled the time that she would have to work as an intern but the income was greater than what she earned before, it was listed employment and went hand in hand with her degree, so in short, it was perfect for her.

Immediately Daniel did as Tom has also suggested and asked her to consider getting a bigger apartment, telling her that with her age and the fact that she was in school, Lily needed her own room. Clearly, Tom had whittled her down some bit because she listened to him before making her objections. He told her to find a place, he would pay the deposit for her, as well as moving van, and to give them the address, as well as Lily's room dimensions, because he was going to get her a bed and matching room furniture just for her. Alexianna immediately began to objective, but it was clear Daniel would not be moved, insisting that it was the right thing to do and something she had earned, reminding her of every fault and issue that she had had in the apartment she was currently in. Though she did not wish to admit it, his sister knew that he was right.

With promises to see them soon, Daniel said his goodbyes, leaving a happy and somewhat relieved Alexianna looking at her phone wondering what caused a brother to ring her out of the blue. It was only ten minutes later, when she was making a cup of tea for herself, that Alexianna realised he had mentioned her getting the bigger apartment in the exact same way Tom had. She needed to take out her phone and pressed the dial button.

‘Hello Lexi, how are you this afternoon?’

Alexianna immediately noted Tom's delighted tone. ‘Actually, I'm great thanks how are you?’

‘Good, yeah.'

'I actually wanted to talk to you about something.’

‘Okay?’ Tom was unsure by her tone if this was a good or bad thing.

‘I just got the most unexpected phone call,’ she began.

‘Good or bad?’ Tom realised she was referring to a call from her brother.

‘Great actually, care to guess who it was from?’

‘The National Lottery?’

‘Don't be a smartass. Why is it my brother, the brother I have not spoken to in quite a few weeks, rings me up out of the blue, asks me how I am getting on and then goes on with the exact same idea as you for me to get a bigger place?’

‘Because perhaps maybe it is a good idea?’ Tom suggested. ‘You know the saying “Great minds think alike”.’

‘You do realise the second part of that is “But fools seldom differ”? don't you?’

‘We both know I'm no fool.’ Tom grin was audible over the phone.

‘Tom, did you contact Daniel?’ Alexianna asked, her tone did not give away her emotion at this question.

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you were upset and personally I did not think that it was because your brother had an issue with you as to why he did not contact you, so I said I would ask myself. You had said that after your own unanswered texts that you did not think it best for you to contact him again, so I thought perhaps I could help. I'm sorry if I overstepped the mark, I was just worried for you and Lily, I didn't want to see you unhappy, especially if there was no reason for you to be. I won’t always be able to stop things from hurting you, as much as it kills me to say it, but I felt I could help with this.’

‘Thank you, Tom, it was a little weird when I figured out it was you, considering it is my brother and you already made it clear how awkward it can be between boyfriends and brothers but I'm really happy that you did it, thank you. It made Lily’s day.’

‘Anytime. Are you ready for this weekend?’

‘No. but it's coming anyway isn't it?’

‘You will love it, wait and see.’ Tom promised.

[maylovexhs]

everytime - BELIEVE(Chp 5)

Author’s Note: I promised and I delivered. By the way, I’m in finals week so don’t expect anything from me at least a week. Anyways, I always enjoy your feedback and comments. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Yes, it takes place on Met Gala night! Love, M.

everytime masterlist(https://maylovexhs.tumblr.com/post/184349485299/everytime-masterlist-a-story-in-which)

Masterlist(https://maylovexhs.tumblr.com/post/164991761564/masterlist)

May 6th, 2019. NYC.

“And I am done” Rosé said, finishing doing touches on my eyes.

She moved to the side, allowing me to see myself in the mirror. I walked closer to the mirror, examining my makeup. The purple eyeshadow and green eyeliner brought out my green eyes. I smiled, becoming excited. I turned around to Rosé.

“I feel like tearing up but I can’t because I don’t want to ruin it” I told her.

“Aww” Rosé said. “Here let me take a pic of you”

“No. Not yet” I said. “I want to wear the dress when you do. Let me go check on Ali”

I sprinted out of the room and went into the bathroom where Camilla was doing Ali’s hair.

“How do I look?” I asked them, pointing to my eyes.

“It looks cute” Ali said. “You look like a peacock though”

“That’s the point” I said.

“I think it looks nice” Camilla said.

“Thanks C” I said to her. “Is Ali almost done?”

“Just pinning her hair up and have to spray it” She said.

“Then we both get to put on our dresses!” I said, squealing a bit. “Ugh I’m nervous and excited”

“I’m more nervous” Ali said.

“Don’t be” I said. “You get to party. I have to deal with everything else”

“And everyone” Camilla added.

“That’s the worst part” I said to her. “I have to stand and greet everyone for two hours and then there is the actual dinner. Ugh, at least I have Gaga and Harry to lean on”

“Mhmm” Ali said, rolling her eyes at me.

She was still fed up over Harry and I. And I have become fed up with her attitude.

“You know, if you are going to have that attitude all night then you shouldn’t come” I said to Ali. “I can go alone or take Sophia instead”

Ali sat up in the chair. Camilla stopped pinning Ali’s hair, not being finished with it though.

“My attitude?” Ali asked me. “What attitude do I have?”

“You know what I’m talking about” I told her. “Everytime I bring up Harry, you roll your eyes or insult him” I said. “I get that you don’t like him, but he’s my friend. And he’s my co-host. So lose the attitude, at least for tonight”

I walked out of the bathroom. Ali followed me.

“Why do you think I don’t like him?” Ali asked me. “Because he’s the one who left you to be on that damn yacht with Kendall”

“I told you that was in the past” I said to her. “It’s been three years”

“Exactly!” Ali said. “Ever since then, it’s been three years they have been on and off. You heard the news of them. Harry goes to her parties. She goes to his concerts. They will always hook up whenever they get the chance to. You said so yourself, that you hate when Harry hangs out with her-“

“Him and I are friends!” I yelled at her. “We’re friends. Whoever Harry decides to spend his time, I accept because I’m his friend. I couldn’t give less than a fuck if Harry is dating her. I used to but not now. Not ever”

“You’re sure?” Ali asked me. “You’re sure that if you see them together tonight, you won’t cry or be hurt?”

“Yes. You want to know why? Because it’s not my business and it’s not your business either” I told her.

I let out a sigh. She crossed her arms at me.

“Finish your damn hair and get in your dress” I ordered her. “And lose the attitude before I leave you behind”

I turned around from her and walked to the living room where my dress was hanging on a clothing rack. I took the dress off the rack, holding it by it’s hanger. I examined it, letting out a heavy breath.

This was going to be a dramatic night.

“Y/N! TO YOUR LEFT! Y/N ARE YOU DATING ADAM?! Y/N SMILE HERE! Y/N WHO ARE YOU WEARING?! Y/N IS THERE AN ALBUM COMING SOON?!?”

I smiled to the cameras one last time before walking up the stairs. I entered the museum, skipping press questions. I smiled when I saw Anna and Gaga talking to each other in front of the wall of flowers. Gaga was in her black lingerie. I walked over to them. They turned towards me, noticing I came. Anna smiled at me. I took that as a sign that she liked my dress.

“Y/N you look absolutely fabulous” Anna complimented me.

“Oh my, thank you” I said to her.

“Ugh you look darling in it” Gaga said to me.

I blushed.

“Thanks! But you were amazing” I said to her. “I was screaming in line when I saw you getting undressed”

“It’s all about the performance” Gaga said.

We heard shouting from outside the museum.

“I guess that’s Harry” I said. “Was it that loud when I came?”

“It’s always loud” Anna said, sounding like she was lying.

I faked a laugh at her.

“Y/N, why don’t you take your pictures in front of the wall?” Anna asked me which sounded more of an order than a question. “Gaga and I are going to the stairs” Anna said. “We’ll wait for you”

Anna and Gaga turned around from me before I could give her an answer. I looked to the photographers, faking a smile as I tried to brush off the moment. I stood in front of the wall of roses. I smiled at the cameras as they took pictures. I couldn’t do any poses since my dress restricted me. I stood there smiling for a minute before I heard Harry’s voice. I looked to the entrance, seeing Harry and Alessandro Michele walk in. He was wearing lace and an earring. I expected him to dress in a Gucci suit.

I walked away from the photographers and walked to Harry and Alessandro. Harry looked at me, smirking.

“You look even better than in the FaceTime videos” Harry said.

“And you look absolutely gorgeous” I said to him.

Harry blushed a little.

“So,” I said. “How does it feel? Finally walking the carpet?”

“Nervous but exciting” Harry said. “Did you just come?”

“Oh, no” I said. “I came the same time as Gaga. I was about to head up the stairs. By the way, please don’t do the peace sign in front of the flowers”

Harry chuckled.

“I won’t” Harry said. “Are you going to the after party?”

“Maybe” I told him. “Depends how I feel. I’ll probably tell you before if I am coming”

“Alright” Harry said. “I’ll see you in a minute, I guess”

I smirked at him.

“I’ll see you at the top of the stairs” I told him.

I passed him, walking away.

He’s definitely going to steal the spotlight tonight.

“She completely ignored me” I complained to Adrain. “I stood right next to Harry and she didn’t even acknowledge me. That was rude”

“I wouldn’t say that out loud” Adrain said. “Don’t want Miss. Wintour to ban you from attending the gala”

“If anyone who she should ban, it’s Kendall” I said. “She’s the one who was rude to me”

“You know, you’re not sounding like a good co-chair” Adrain said.

I rolled my eyes at him.

“I’m going to find Harry” I told Adrain. “Need to tell him I’m going to the party”

“Didn’t you already did?” Adrain asked me.

“No” I said, shaking my head.

“Great” Adrain said in a sarcastic voice. “Now I have to wait twenty minutes for you to get back to me”

I smirked at him.

“I’ll be right back” I said to him. “Can you call Ali to meet us up?”

“The things I do as your stylist” Adrain commented.

“Thanks” I said to him.

I left him, walking away. Because I was a host, I had to greet everyone and let them all go inside the dinner before me. I knew Harry was somewhere close to me since he left a minute before I did. I had to pass through late guests as I walked. I bumped into Bella Hadid, one of those late guests.

“Hey Y/N!” Bella greeted me.

“Hey Bella!” I said to her. “Enjoying the party?”

“I’m loving it” She said. “You look fucking amazing girl”

I blushed.

“Aww, you too!” I told her. “You look like a goddess!”

“Thanks” She said. “You’re coming to the after party, right?”

“Yeah! Of course, I’m up for anything” I said to her. “I gotta go get ready for my speech. I’ll see you after”

“Alright” Bella said. “Good luck”

I smiled from Bella’s kind words. I walked in another direction from her. My smile disappeared instantly when I saw Harry . . . and her. I stopped walking, standing still when I saw Harry and Kendall hugging. I watched Harry pull away from her, focusing on how he had her hand on her waist. I looked at him as he smiled at her. He was blushing, in admiration of her. He looked at her in a different way than I saw him look at another person. He looked at her like he never looked at me before.

I turned around from the sight of them. I walked away, passing through guests. I felt rage grow in me. The same jealous rage I had on New Years when I found pictures of Harry and her on a yacht. I felt my eyes water up. I felt like I was about to cry. I couldn’t cry. Especially here. Not in front of everyone. Especially them two.

“Y/N” I heard someone call my name.

I turned to them. It was Sarah.

“Oh, hey Sarah” I said, forcing myself to smile at her.

“I didn’t see you in forever” Sarah said. “I was going to hug you but you’re a butterfly and-“

“I know, I know” I told her. “I was just-“

“You’re coming for another season right?” Sarah asked me, cutting me off. “Ryan said you might not be back”

“I will be back” I told her. “But as a guest star. I could only do a few episodes since of scheduling conflicts”

“Fuck, really?” Sarah asked me. “First it was Evan and now it’s-“

“I can’t talk right now Sarah” I said to her. “I need to use the bathroom and change out of my clothes. I’ll talk to you after my speech on stage”

I walked away from her, not caring about her answer. I walked back to Adrian.

“Back so quick?” Adrain asked me. “Did you talk to Harry?”

“Uh huh, I talked to him” I told him, sniffling as I tried to hold back my tears. “Let’s go. I really need to get out of this dress”

“Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say. ‘I really don't think you're strong enough, no’”

I didn’t cry. Yes, I teared up a little from the sight of them but I didn’t cry. And I’m pretty sure no one noticed I teared up. I considered that some personal growth. Hell, I even talked to Harry after I changed outfits and didn’t feel anything. Turns out when you’re in your late twenties and already had experience with heartbreak, you can control how to react to it. Plus, I really couldn’t care about Harry and Kendall when there was Cher, Gaga and drag queens on stage in front of me.

“Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say. ‘I really don't think you're strong enough, no’”

I turned to Ali who stood beside me. I leaned into her.

“You want to get a milkshake and fries after this?” I asked her.

She turned to me, looking surprised.

“You don’t want to go to the after-party?” Ali asked me.

“No” I said, smiling at her. “The only thing I want to do is go home and sing while I beat your ass at air hockey”

Ali smiled at me.

“This has nothing to do with Kendall, does it?” Ali asked me.

“What am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for you - well, I can't do that and there's no turning back”

I looked to Harry who was dancing on a table at the other side of the room. I smiled at him. I looked back to Ali.

“I know Harry��� I said to Ali. “He’s always going to have a thing for Kendall. I can’t sit around for him to stop having a thing for her. I can’t control it. I can control who I spend my time with. Tonight, it’s definitely not with him”

“I need time to move on. I need love to feel strong. 'Cause I've had time to think it through. And maybe I'm too good for you, oh”

“Are you sure?” Ali asked me. “I’ll go wherever you go but do you want to? It’s your night. Harry and Kendall shouldn’t ruin your night”

“They aren’t. I’m too good to let them ruin my night.” I said. “Besides, being a host fucking sucks. I’m exhausted by having to force myself to smile at everyone”

Ali laughed.

“Not exhausted enough to play air hockey with me, right?” Ali asked.

“Exactly” I said.

I took her hand in mine.

“Let’s go” I said.

I walked my way through the crowd of people to the exit, dragging Ali along. I bumped into Adam before reaching the exit.

“Y/N” Adam called me.

I let go of Ali’s hand and turned to him. He was wearing a suit. A suit that was on theme. His look was probably better than Harry’s.

“Adam” I said, looking at his suit. “You look . . . incredible”

Adam smiled.

“And you look more than incredible” Adam said. “Are you leaving?”

“Uh, Yeah” I answered him. “Why you ask?”

“I was hoping to get a drink with you” Adam said. “I hoped to bump into you at the after party”

I blushed. He wanted to see me.

“I’m not going to the after party. I’m heading home” I told him. “But I would love to have a drink with you one day”

“Really?” Adam asked me. “How about tomorrow?”

“I can’t tomorrow” I said, lying.

I knew either him or I were going to have a massive hangover tomorrow. I didn’t want our date to cancelled last second tomorrow because one of us feels sick.

“How about Wednesday?” I asked him.

“Wednesday” Adam said. “I can do that day”

“I’ll call you Wednesday morning then” I said to him. “Goodnight Adam”

“Goodnight Y/N” Adam said to me.

I smiled at him before leaving him. Ali followed behind me.

“Now he, I might like” Ali said.

I rolled my eyes at her.

“Come on”

Author’s Note: Hope y’all enjoyed the chapter! Btw, this is Y/N’s dress:

[lilulo-12fanfiction]

In My Time of Dying- 3

Here is Part 3! Likes, comments and reblogs are always appreciated. Requests are always open as are tag lists.

I suck at summaries! This is an original character story- Alianna Winchester, twin sister of Sam. It starts off right around when John Winchester dies. Ali and Sam’s relationship has been fractured since he left for Stanford. She struggles to repair their relationship has they navigate the Apocalypse, her close relationship with Dean and beyond. Like Sam- She is special in a very different way. Truly the Ying to his Yang that causes a deep connection between Ali and Castiel.

Tag List: @deans-baby-momma @fandom-princess-forevermore @magssteenkamp @blancastans @jn-wolf

IMTOD Masterlist

Supernatural Masterlist

Ali found herself standing on a west coast beach. She’d known it to be the Pacific Ocean. It was her favorite place. She’d spent hours by this very ocean the handful of times she had visited Sam. She never wanted to leave, but the hunt and the thrill of the chase had always dragged her away. She was barefoot at the edge of the ocean. Briney water washing over her feet. Her curly blonde hair was lose and blowing in the salty breeze. The warm air kissed her skin. She looked down at the navy blue polka dotted maxi dress she had worn before. Ruffled at the hem, buttons down the front and thin spaghetti straps donned her shoulders. Then it hit her. This was too real to be a dream. In fact she had been dreaming of this as she slept on the motel room couch she and her brothers had been sharing after another tiring hunt. But she hadn’t been alone in the dream and that’s when she heard his foot steps approaching.

“Hello Ali.” Cas was out of place on the beach. He had at least shed the trench coat, suit jacket and tie. His white shirt was open at the collar, sleeves rolled up and he was barefoot on the sand, suit pants cuffed so the salt water didn’t ruin them.

“Cas...is this really happening?” He gave her a curt nod. she pressed her palm to her forehead in confusion. “Did you get into my head? Into my dream?” She felt the heat burning her cheeks. Cas had been showing up in her dreams more and more. “Where are Sam and Dean? What’s going on?” Her frantic rambling was cut short when Cas took her hand.

“I apologize for invading your privacy. I needed to get you out and I figured the place of your dreams would be most calming. As for Sam and Dean, they’ll be fine. I suspect Zachariah is conducting his experiment as we speak. I just couldn’t let him include you. I had to be the one to tell you. I wanted to sooner but my superiors wouldn’t allow me. I wanted you to hear it from me.”

“Who the hell is Zachariah?” Ali’s brow furrowed with a mix of confusion and concern for her brothers. Cas’ sigh was full of frustration. Ali was easily distracted and they didn’t have a lot of time. Cas approached her and slid his hand up the side of her face into her hair, the way he did the first night they met. The intense stare of his blue eyes was disarming.

“Alianna. I need you to listen to me. Don’t interrupt. Can you do that?” She nodded her head.

“Uriel was working to bring about the apocalypse. I wish I had known before Dean and Alistair. Uriel is dead. I killed him.” Ali wanted to comment but Cas still held the side of her face. “Zachariah is much higher in the chain of Angel command. After Uriel, he decided to pay a visit. Your brother is important to the fight against The Apocalypse and Lucifer. We know Sam was imbued with demon blood. Azazel had plans to get you that night as well but was foiled by your mother.” Ali could feel the shock that donned her face.

”The angels stepped in. We were unsure at the time what Azazel’s plan was. But we knew we couldn't let him get to you. You were imbued as well. You were imbued with the grace of a Third Sphere Angel. They are heavenly guides. Protectors and messengers of human beings. This was to protect you from anything demonic. You are impervious to demonic possession. You are an empath. This is why no demon would trade your soul for Dean’s. They needed a Winchester to break the first seal. John escaped hell when the gate opened. Sam was meant to lead the army. Dean was their last option. Your empathic nature never would have allowed you to torture anyone in hell.” Ali pulled away from Cas’ grasp, turning her back to him.

”Wha...what?” she turned back to him, eyes filled with tears. ”I’m an angel?”

”No Ali. But you will be able to see angels in their true form and hear our voices. Only if we try to contact you. You can’t tap into our conversations like Anna could. You were made to be a warrior of God. Unable to be used against us. You and Dean are meant to save the world from Lucifer, one way or another. You see, you are not weak. You are the strongest of all of us. Lucifer and his army will never be able to will you to their side. There was only a small amount of grace used. Only enough to protect you. I've wanted to tell you since the day I figured it out. I wasn't allowed. But you make me want to break the rules and protect you. You make me want to turn on my very nature. You and your brothers. Anna says I'm starting to have doubts. And maybe that's true.” Ali wiped her eyes.

”You don't trust Zachariah? You wanted to protect me from him. You’re risking yourself by telling me this? Cas...why?”

”I wish I could explain it. I just knew I had to. I am concerned there are more Angels like Uriel. If Zachariah is one of them, I just couldn't take the chance of him using you to his ends or lying to you.”

Ali looked at the crashing waves. If anyone else but Cas had told her this she would have laughed in their faces. The truth was, she did feel things more deeply. She always had. ”You.thought bringing me here would calm me. Off of one dream?” Cas looked away.

”You dream of this place often. I...I check in on you. I know things have been hard on you. When you're at peace you dream of this place. Often times I'm here, but other times there is a girl.”

”Sarah. She was the first person I ever really loved. She was the only person I ever confessed what my life really was and it...it was too much for her. I dream of her when I dream about having a normal life. She was the person my father caught me with and I was forced into telling him I was bisexual.” Ali bitterly laughed. ”Back when I thought that was as complicated as my life was going to be.”

”Why was that complicated?” Cas tilted his head to the side as he often did when he didn’t understand the actions of humans.

“Being gay is hard. People don’t always accept it. It’s unbearable when it’s your family that doesn’t accept you. Being bisexual is often seen as an excuse for promiscuity. And many other hateful things that aren’t true. It took my father by surprise. He didn’t react well. He came around and apologized. I’m sure Dean was responsible for it. But I never thought anything would hurt more than that.”

“Bisexuality just means you love a person for who they are regardless of gender. How could that be bad?” Ali’s smile was barely there when she looked at Cas. For not understanding humans, he saw things so much more clearly than most. “Ali...why do you dream of me so often?” Cas was genuinely curious. Ali felt the heat rising to her cheeks.

“I dream about you when I’m scared. You...you make me feel safe. Protected. If I’m being honest, I’m scared most of the time. I’m scared about what Dean will have to do. What’s happening with Sam. What will happen to the three of us. I’m terrified. When you’re around, I guess I’m just a little less scared.” Cas knew this was stirring some kind of emotion in him. He didn’t know what. The more time he spent with the Winchesters, especially Ali, the more he felt stirrings within him.

“I’m glad I make you feel safe. But I regret to say it’s time to go back. Zachariah is about done with your brothers. They will have questions.” Ali grabbed Cas’ hand and he gave her a curious look.

“Thank you for telling me. It’s okay you didn’t sooner, I understand.” Before she could blink she was standing back in the motel room. Dean and Sam looked frantic and then both relaxed when they saw her. Dean’s face quickly bent in confusion.

“Why are your feet covered in sand? What the hell are you wearing?” Ali just smiled and threw her arms around her brothers and hugged them both at the same time.

“I’m glad you guys are okay. Cas pulled me out but couldn’t get to you guys in time.”

“Cas?” Sam raised his eyebrows.

“Uh yeah. I have some things to tell you. You should sit down.”

Ali took a deep breath and explained to them what Cas had told her. She skipped over their conversation about her dreaming about Cas and her fear for her brothers.

“Wait, wait, wait...Angel grace?” Dean was pacing.

“Not enough to give me any angel powers. But enough for me to be able to see and hear Angels and their true form. Only if they’re trying to contact me. I can’t be possessed.”

“I thought they didn’t know about the Demon blood until they made us go back in time?” Dean was rubbing his face.

“They didn’t. But they knew Azazel was up to something and they didn’t want him to be able to come back for me. They wanted me protected.” Sam had been quiet. Ali reached over and took Sam’s hand. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah...yeah. I’m just thankful that they were able to protect you from all of this. From everything that I am.”

“Sam...”

“I mean it Ali. You’re too good for this. I’ll always be thankful that the yellow eyed bastard didn’t get you too.”

“Wait...so tell me about where Zachariah took you.”

“Oh my God. You won’t believe this.” Ali watched her brothers fondly as they retold the strange reality they lived in.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Prophets. The Winchester Gospel. Chuck Shurley. Lilith. Sam. Ali sat in the back of the Impala dizzying anxiety pumping through her veins. The pit in her stomach seemed like it would swallow her whole. She felt herself smirk at the thought of the books. The covers depicting Dean and Sam were hilarious. She thanked God that Chuck focused on the brothers mostly for the books. While she had her role to play in them, Sam and Dean were front and center.

”I wanted to make sure your character was protected. I didn't want to make you as open and exposed.” Chuck had stared at her with an intensity that chilled her. There was something about him that made the hair on the back of her neck stand on end. Maybe it was their connection to God. Maybe that was why Chuck felt protective over her. He didn't know he was a prophet until Cas told him. Thinking about Cas made her smirk turn into a smile. He had found a way to help them when she and Dean seemed hopeless in stopping Sam’s need to confront Lilith.

Ali had followed Dean outside, both at a loss with Sam and his stubbornness.

”Well, I feel stupid doing this. But... I am fresh out of options. So please. I need some help. I'm praying, okay? Come on. Please.” Ali was slightly shocked. Dean was a skeptical believer at best. Her ears perked at the sound of ruffling that always was followed by Castiel’s gritty voice.

”Prayer is a sign of faith. This is a good thing, Dean. Hello Ali.”

Dean was desperate so he bit back his normal snarky comments. ”So does that mean you'll help us?” Ali watched Castiel with curiosity, but was unsurprised the by his answer.

“I'm not sure what I can do.” Ali scoffed.

“Cas. Please.” Dean’s frustration was building.

“Drag Sam out of here, now. Before Lilith shows up.” Ali felt herself growing frantic. Sam was stronger. There was no doubt, not with how he took out Alistair. But Lilith was a different ball game.

Castiel shook his head. “It’s a prophecy. I can't interfere.”

“You have tested me and thrown me every which way. And I have never asked for anything. Not a damn thing. But now I'm asking. I need your help. Please.” The anger and desperation was dripping from Dean’s words. Ali didn’t have it in her to rage at Cas.

“What you're asking, it's... not within my power to do.”

Dean was growing increasingly irritated. “Why? 'Cause it's "divine prophecy”? So, what – We're just supposed to sit around and, and wait for it to happen?”

“I'm sorry.” Castiel couldn’t meet Ali’s eyes. He knew what would be staring back at him.

Dean lost it. “Screw you. You and your mission. Your God. If you don't help me now, then when the time comes and you need me... don't bother knocking.” Dean brushed past Castiel and beganto walk away. Ali grabbed Cas’ arm giving him a pleading look one last time. Dean stopped when Cas called him.

“Dean. Dean. You must understand why I can't intercede. Prophets are very special. They're protected.” Ali studied Cas’ face. He was trying to lead them to the answer. “If anything threatens a prophet, anything at all, an archangel will appear to destroy that threat. Archangels are fierce. They're absolute. They're heaven's most terrifying weapon.”

Dean’s eyes met his sister’s as realization set in. “So if a prophet was in the Same room as a demon –“ Castiel interrupted Dean’s train of thought.

“Then the most fearsome wrath of heaven would rain down on that demon. Just so you understand... why I can't help.” Dean and Ali’s faces both relaxed. Ali places her hand on Cas’ forearm again.

“Thanks, Cas.” His blue eyes bore into her grey eyes.

“Good luck.” And then he was gone.

It was a rare occasion that Ali drove, but she waited in the driver’s seat as Dean did whatever he had to so that Chuck would come with them. Dean would do whatever it took, they both knew if either of them would back down, it would be Ali. In the end, they stopped whatever was going on between Sam and Lilith. Chuck had been bullied into helping. It was Cas that had given them the answer. Ali worried that he would soon get himself into trouble. He was walking a slippery slope and she was certain she wouldn’t forgive herself if he got hurt for helping the 3 of them. She drifted off to the sound of Dean and Sam discussing the deal Lilith wanted to make. She knew, deep down, Sam would have made the deal to save that many innocent people, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ali couldn’t get the image of Adam’s lifeless eyes out of her head. This had hit her...hard. She had another brother, a baby brother that John had kept from them. It seemed every time she found a way to forgive her father, some secret came out and sent her reeling back. She never even got to meet the real Adam. It had been that damn Ghoul from the get go.

She listened to the sound of Dean and Sam’s deep breathing as they slept. Light snores floating throughout the room. She couldn’t sleep. She was feeling too many things to shut her mind off. She had always hated this part of herself. How deeply she felt things. Apparently it had been God’s will. She grabbed Dean’s green canvas jacket and wrapped it around herself, slipped her ugg boots on over her black leggings and headed outside. She needed to move and she didn’t want to wake her brothers. At 2am, they would hopefully sleep for at least another 4 hours. She knew that she wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon.

With her arms crossed, she made her way through the chilly night into town. It was peaceful. All of the shops and restaurants were closed save for the 24 hour diner. She didn’t want to be around strangers. Her puffy eyes would draw attention and she couldn’t stop the errant tears slipping from her eyes. She stopped walking when she heard the flutter.

“Ali.” Cas’ voice rang out into the night. Ali turned to face him. “You weren’t at the motel. I was worried. Are you alright?” Ali didn’t have it in her to pretend. She shook her head no and buried her face in her hands, feeling hot fresh tears pool in her palm. She felt Cas wrap his arms around her and pull her to his chest. “I...I hope this is alright. This is what humans seem to do when one is trying to comfort the other”. Cas took her wrapping her arms around his torso, deepening the hug. ��I’m so sorry Ali. I can’t imagine how this is making you feel. You’ve known so much loss. And to lose a brother before you could know him. I imagine that is devastating for most, but especially for you.“

Ali pulled back so she could look up at Cas. For not understanding human emotion he was spot on with what she needed. She needed someone who understood her. Dean and Sam were wonderful but they didn’t always understand her excess emotion. Cas seemed to. He placed a hand on the side of her face while keeping the other arm wrapped around her back and wiped the tears from her cheek as he looked down at her.

“Wait...you came just for me. Not for a mission or something?”

“I could sense your distress. It was unsettling. I had assumed you were having nightmares, but when I got to where you were staying, you were gone.” Ali turned her face into Cas’ hand, whatever he was doing she felt her anxiety waning. It was being replaced by something else. Something she felt stirring for the Angel. Something she knew would end badly. “It’s not safe for you to be out here alone.” Ali cracked the smallest of smiles.

“Cas, I once wiped out a nest of 5 Vampires by myself. I’m not worried about some random douche bag walking the streets.”

“But still, in your state or distress, it would be easy for someone to take advantage.”

“But I have a guardian angel watching out for me.” She whispered. She was surprised to see the softened look that Cas had given her. Maybe he felt more than he knew.

“I suppose that’s true. Let me take you back to your motel.” She realized she was still in his arms and stepped back.

“Only if we walk. I don’t want you snapping me back and forth.” He nodded in agreement. She found herself slipped her arm around his, holding his elbow as they walked. It wasn’t long, much to her disappointment, that they were back at the strip of rooms and the black Impala in her eye line. She didn’t know what she was feeling for the angel next to her, but her brought her an immense amount of peace.

“You should go inside Ali. It’s cold. I’ll come check on you again as soon as I can. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss of Adam.” Ali stood in front of him, studying his face for a moment. Before she could stop herself, she stood on her toes and presses her lips to his cheek. When she pulled away, his eyes were wide. She took his hand.

“Thank you Cas, for everything.” She slipped her hand out of his and walked towards the door to the Winchester room. She could feel his eyes burning into the back of her head. She didn’t hear the flutter of his wings indicating that he was gone until the door was almost closed.

“Al, where the hell have you been?” Deans alarmed whisper made her jump.

“I needed some air, I took a quick walk.”

“You can’t just disappear like that.” His hair was standing on end, he must have just woken up.

“I’m sorry Dean. If it makes you feel better Cas already lectured me.” Dean’s face twisted in confusion.

“Cas?” Ali nodded.

“He said he knew how upset we would be. He must have found out about Adam. When he showed up, he saw I wasn’t here and went and found me and brought me back.” Ali didn’t know why she didn’t tell Dean the whole truth, they Cas had felt her turmoil. Maybe she wanted to keep her connection with the angel to herself for now. He was a great comfort to her, she didn’t want her over protective brother the compromise it.

“Well I’m glad he came. C’mon, you take the bed now and get some sleep. You look like crap. I’ll take the couch.” She nodded and let her big brother tuck her into bed like she had so many times when they were younger. He kissed her forehead before he went to lay down. Dean wasn’t great at showing his emotions, but every once in a while it snuck out, especially when only Ali was looking. She settled into the bed and fell into a dreamless sleep, which she assumed was courtesy of Cas.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

White hot rage was coursing through Ali's veins. Demon blood, Sam had been drinking demon's blood to get strong. How the hell he thought that drinking demon blood would lead them to stopping the Apocalypse was beyond her realm of understanding. The first thing she did was to call Bobby.

"Bobby...I....I don't." She stuttered. She couldn't string the rest of the sentence together. As soon as Bobby had answered the phone she had blurted out that Sam was drinking demon blood to strengthen his psychic abilities. Once that sentence was out, she lost it. The anger and the fear were overwhelming. She really needed to get a handle on her emotions. It seemed to be getting worse as time went on.

"Ali...Alianna. I know. We will figure this out...we always figure this out. Now...in a little while I'm going to call Sam and tell him I need you guys to come to Sioux Falls. And once you're here we'll figure this out. That will give me some time to think."

"Okay Bobby."

"What else?" Bobby knew her better than her own father had. He knew she was holding something else back.

"We....we lost Cas. Heaven put him in his place. Any hopes we had of him being with us on this...even if it goes against what the angels want is gone.

"I'm sorry Ali. I know you and he had gotten...um...close since he showed himself to us. But he's a soldier. Soldiers do what they're told. I know this is all a lot. Just get here."

"Thanks Bobby." She leaned against the outside of the building after she hung up trying to compose herself.

"I serve Heaven...I don't serve man and I certainly don't serve you." The humanity in Cas' eyes had been gone. The way he had looked at her a few nights prior was gone. She had been so naive to think that he could really care about her the way she thought he did, the way she cared about him. She knew better than to open herself up to anyone other than her brothers. She couldn't count on anyone else other than Bobby. Dean, Sam and Bobby...well Dean and Bobby had never let her down. Sam...Sam was lost. He had been for a long time. She had never been this scared for either of her brother's before. This was beyond even Dean selling his soul to save Sam.

She was kneeling in front of the Panic Room door. Her heart lay in what seemed to be a thousand pieces in front of her. Her best friend, her partner in crime, her other half that made her whole had gone so far off the deep end, she didn't know how to get him back. Sam was begging her to open the door, to let him out. She rested her head against the door.

"Ali...please...please let me out. You can't leave me in here. Please don't leave me alone."

"Sammy...I can't open the door. I can't let you out. This...the demon blood...it's not that answer. I KNOW you think it is and I KNOW you believe you're doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. We've all done that. Done something wrong because the outcome will be right. But this? We can't do this. You can't do this. I can't let you keep loosing this. You and I fell apart and this is me putting us back together. I won't lose you. And if you keep going the way that you're going and doing what you're doing, I will lose you. But I promise you that I wont leave you alone. Dean and Bobby...they can deal with the rest of the crap. But it's you and me now. And I promise you we will get through this. I will get you through this. But I can't open the door."

" You wouldn't leave Dean in a room locked up like this. If it were Dean...you'd follow him down the rabbit hole. But because it's me...you don't think I can do it. You don't think I'm strong enough."

"That's the difference Sam. Dean...he wouldn't ever do this. And I would lock him up if he did. And it's not because I think you're week or whatever convoluted idea you have."

"Ali...you leave me in here....we're done. You and I will be done."

"I'm sorry Sam, but I love you too much to open that door." She felt him slam his hand against it, but she wouldn't leave him. She turned and rested her back against the door as she sat down. She unconsciously found herself praying to Cas for help, once she realized what she was doing, she stopped. She knew he wasn't coming. Ali was all alone.