#but i am bisexual and there has been so much biphobia this year and some really disgusting shit said especially about bi women

[jacquiarno]

I need help with something my fellow FFXIV players, I'm not sure how active the fandom is on here, but it can't hurt to try.

I need a new retainer because my other 3 are almost full along with my glamour dresser, and this is without hats thanks to this game hating hats on viera🙃. I can't decide what to make my next retainer, these are the 3 choices I've come down to.

I only have one Viera and I like Viera, but the other two are Au Ra and Roegadyn, so I thought maybe I should add a Miqo'te. I couldn't decide on the hair colour but the pink looks nice and would add to a joke I'll explain next paragraph and the reason to why I added screenshots of my warrior of light and the Viera retainer.

I added these screenshots because of this joke head canon I have of my retainer and warrior of light. I wasn't paying attention to the dialogue when choosing a personality and somehow I made an accidental wife for my warrior of light, haha. The other two retainers don't talk like that, haha.

Now the reason why the pink hair would be funny is because blue hair and purple hair, then adding pink hair would make up the bisexual flag colours. So hey, why not make it a polycule of bisexuals since we have a love of love to give, haha🩷💜💙 (not making fun of polyamorous people, I support you👍🏼). I'm just not sure to continue on theme with Viera or change it up, plus that black hair really looks nice. This retainer will be warrior class.

Miqo'te - black hair?

Miqo'te - pink hair?

Viera?

[mulderscully]

i know it's a silly harhar joke and i find it funny too but characters like alex and buck not realizing they're bisexual for a long time isn't because they're stupid. it's not because they necessarily dislike being attracted to men. it's because of bisexual erasure within both heterosexual and queer space being rampant for a long time and is only starting to get better now. bisexuals make up around 60% of the lgbt+ community, (in the us) but look how long the wikipedia page for bisexual erasure is.

not only do more women/afab people identify as bisexual, but keep in mind that bisexual people overall are much less likely to identify as bisexual to others or be out than gay and lesbian people because part of the bisexual experience is feeling like you're not allowed to even sit at the table, so to speak. most bisexual+ men may have queer feelings and experiences, but they may not examine those things as much as a bisexual women might because biphobia and the patriarchy tie together in a way that is unique to bisexual men.

characters like alex and buck are so impactful because they're new. most bisexual representation in tv and film has been women until recently, and even that is still rare. a character like callie torres on grey's in 2009 — when i was 14! — helped me see myself as a bisexual, but men have not had characters like that until nearly ten years later. and it's not until i even read rwrb in 2020 that i saw any bisexual character not receive some degree of biphobia from their love interest.

representation is important because when we see someone experience what we experience it helps us name something we may not have fully understood about ourselves before and put a name to it because they're on that same journey on screen. alex and buck were always bi, they just didn't know they were allowed to be so. they're not stupid, they were failed by society and had to unlearn their own internalized biphobia and bisexual erasure because so many of us, even subconsciously, think we're not allowed to exist and/or to take up space in a community that we are literally in the acronym of. no one really talks about us except us.

you're not stupid if you didn't know you were bi the whole time, you're not stupid for not knowing when you were a teenager or in your twenties either.

(*i am genderfluid/nb but am mostly using m/f here for the sake of this specific conversation. bisexual nb people exist too.)

[thestrangestthlng]

Bi Buck and the internet interneting

I'm absolutely fucking living for the positive male bisexual representation we've been getting in media. Three masc male bis in the past year (and some change) is fucking amazing. Not only are they coming into their sexualities, their growth and development is detailed and explicit.

Furthermore, we have them having their sexual awakenings at different phases in their lives. There's no timetable on figuring out your sexuality. Personally, I as already in my late-20s/early thirties when I realized that yes my aesthetic appreciation for women was more than just aesthetic appreciation. We have Nick Nelson falling in love with his friend in high school, Alex Claremont-Diaz falling in love and having his awakening in his early-mid twenties, and now Buck realizing that his jealousy and feelings are more than just wanting to be friends in his early thirties.

Of course, the internet loses its collective minds--mostly for good, but you know the internet is always going to the internet.

There were a bunch of comments about how the show was "ruined" and asking why everything has to be gay. Here are some direct quotes.

"ABC just fucked up an amazing show and ruined my favorite character."

"Enough already. Why must it be in every freaking show on television? We'll see how the ratings go."

"Not Buck😢. ABC has just ruined 9-1-1."

"I'm done... tired of not being able to watch anything with the gay agenda having to be added."

"Ruined the show for me."

"WHY WOULD YOU RUIN BUCKS CHARACTER LIKE THIS. BYE"

"BRO WHY DID YOU MAKE BUCK GAY NO"

"Didn't and don't like where this Buck storyline is going.. smh"

Let's start breaking down this fucking foolery. First and foremost, 9-1-1 is a RYAN MURPHY show and the show has been queer af the whole fucking time. What we're not going to do is erase Hen like she hasn't been there the whole fucking time.

So, I personally this that people are mad about this development in his character because Buck is masc. Not only masc, but he's a firefighter, a manly man's job. Being a queer masc in that type of setting is threatening to some men's heteronormative opinion of what masculinity is. It makes them uncomfortable because he's not a stereotype. Buck's personality hasn't changed because he's started kissing boys. Hen is not an issue because Hen having a more traditionally masculine role as a lesbian is not "threatening" to their opinions of what masculinity is. Michael isn't an issue because he's not a main character, he's not in the 118.

But someone is like "not everything is homophobia" and went on to say about how sometimes people just don't like change and that if you got to know someone for six years as straight you won't like it if they were suddenly queer.

Holy microaggressive queerphobia Batman.

Buck hasn't changed more than his character growth and development over the years. Also, they've been shining a queer beacon over his head for years, which is why so many people were hesitant to get invested in the show thinking it was just going to be another queerbaiting situation.

As a bi myself, I am ecstatic to see more and more positive representation, but to sit here and say that his character is ruined or the show is ruined because he did what they've been hinting at for years, that's goofy.

Like, if queerness offends you so much, why are you watching it?

Moral of the story is that queer people come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, mannerisms, etc. The fact that media is including more masculine presenting queer men is amazing, because we've been force-fed stereotypes that are palatable for straight men for decades. It's supercalafragulisticexpialidous that we have bisexual male representation because that's new new. There's so much biphobia and bi-erasure it's so amazing to see it on the screen (and also not just being queerbaited for years.)

Hollywood: Keep it up.

And because I can: have some bi boy appreciation:

Just lusting; nothing to see here.

Honestly, though Taylor is so fucking pretty, he's literally punchable.

They're literally low key raising a family together, and ya'll are surprised. (Also, side note, I will die for Christopher.)

[moodr1ng]

(making my own post after being in someones replies again lol) i do think there was kind of a Moment on tumblr in i wanna say circa 2019-2021 where a lot of the accumulated biphobia that was present in the lgbt community at large and in particular on tumblr sort of blew up into a number of bi bloggers starting to talk a lot more on the subject and make a lot of posts explaining the material consequences of biphobia, the lack of support bisexuals have always gotten from the rest of the community, the specific biphobic opinions/takes that are popular both offline and in online communities, and also a lot of conversations about bisexuality, what its like to be bisexual, what it means to us, a ton of education on bisexual history, a lot of trans and nonbinary bisexuals talking about how bisexuality interacts w our genders, etc. at the time and being involved in all of this tangentially it felt a bit like a sort of tumblr bisexual renaissance where the pot finally boiled over and a ton of us started to be really loud and in your face about bisexuality and biphobia. i think this was a major reason for why a lot of takes that had previously been very widespread and either accepted or at least treated as debatable (thinking about butch/femme discourse for example) got rolled back and a lot of people who had been very casually biphobic all over the place suddenly changed their tune, switched their public opinions, and started sharing a lot more of support for bisexuals (though, tbh, i dont think i have seen literally one apology for past biphobia).

i do think there was some discourse that went a bit too far and ended up counterproductive (ive personally rolled back a lot of my past anger about the pansexuality vs bisexuality shit into a view that i think is a lot more charitable and community-oriented), but overall bisexuals on here did a lot of work to get heard, get understood, and get some much-needed support by the rest of the lgbt community, and there were also a lot of behind the scenes conversations where bi people created spaces like very active discord servers where bisexuality was explored in-depth among bisexuals, which tbh i largely credit for me being able to comfortably identify as bigender.

but, well, this Moment of bisexuals being loud and proud about bisexuality and refusing to continue to tolerate biphobia was met with, like, extremely caustic and vicious backlash which has led SO many bi bloggers who i followed, knew, was in servers and dms with, was/am friends with etc to either quit tumblr or move to new blogs where they only keep around vetted people and no longer widely engage w the topic of biphobia. my alter ran one of those blogs which i dont think could have really been qualified as popular, but which had a ton of constant interaction and some really big posts, all of which led to daily biphobic harassment as well as scrutiny of every other part of his identity and repeated cruelty about things that it was incredibly inappropriate for people to attack him on - some of you who followed him will recall the repeated attacks and accusations of ableism for his 'weird' typing style, despite a disclaimer on his blog that he types like this bc of autism+adhd+did, as well as a lot of vitriol and aggression which i think was at least partially racially motivated. like, im not even willing to disclose the url or his name here because im STILL paranoid about getting harassed years after he deactivated, which, like many others i know, he did because the constant biphobia was so bad for his mental health that the blog even just continuing to exist was not sustainable.

im not sure to what degree the conversations that were started on here during this time are continuing - im not seeing much of it anymore, but then again maybe im just not following the people having them - but it certainly feels like that Moment has died down now, though i certainly still feel the aftereffects in how a lot of people have changed their stances on bisexuality. it does feel like an acute loss still that so many bi people were effectively shut down and harassed off tumblr or into silence and reclusiveness by the backlash to bisexuals speaking out (and this especially imo affected bisexuals of color, especially black bisexuals, as per usual on tumblr). i miss the posts i would get to read daily as well as the very active discord servers and other conversations i got to be privy to at the time. i think this, as much as the discussions on biphobia themselves, rendered very explicit the degree of biphobia thats present within the lgbt community. as soon as a number of bisexuals got fed up with it and started to talk about it openly, the open and unashamed biphobia also ramped up.

ig the thing im stuck on is - were not talking about it as much, but all the people who dedicated themselves to harassing bisexuals into silence for years are still here. some stances have been changed and a lot of performative "we love bisexuals!" posts got shared but ultimately the work is still cut out for us going forward. however, i dont think i or my alter will be doing any of that work on tumblr in the future. the focus will have to be on real-life community to spare ourselves the backlash that comes from speaking about this on here.

idk, not sure how to end this whole tirade. i just happened to be thinking about all this earlier today and a mutual brought it up again just now so its on my mind. i do still miss that sense of heightened bisexual community that came from all of this. i personally not only was able to re-identify as bisexual after identifying as gay for a few years bc these conversations led me to reevaluate my sexuality in a more accepting light, but also i unlearned a ton of internalized biphobia which i had not only tolerated but often strongly believed myself, usually with a sort of self-flagellating notion of "i have to bow down to the rest of the community and accept that my opinion is inherently lesser because bisexuality is an inferior sexuality" which i only stopped believing after being in these bisexual communities. ig i just have to be content with the circle of bi friends ive built both online and offline and what benefits ive gained from these discussions.

[genderkoolaid]

Hey, sorry if this is weird but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about transmasc things atm and it’s driving me a bit insane.

I’ve been feeling really guilty about being attracted to masculine women recently.. I’ve pretty much always felt guilty about being attracted to women in general but since I’ve realised that I’m trans, it’s really focused in on masc women. I guess especially because I’m 1. 0% a woman and 2. am not and have never identified as a lesbian.. but I’ve read a lot over the years about how, for example, butch lesbians style themselves specifically because they don’t want men to be attracted to them, or have seen people getting upset at the idea of men being attracted to women who are especially masculine because ‘it’s not for them’. I kind of feel like I’m ‘supposed’ to be more attracted to feminine women because I’m a guy, or that I’m crossing boundaries and can never express this attraction without being a creep.

You are absolutely not crossing boundaries!!

First of all, lesbians do not "own" female masculinity. There are plenty of bi and straight women who are butch/masc, and plenty who are strongly butch/masc, as much as any butch lesbian. There are women who are masculine and are attracted to men and want men to be attracted to them as a masculine woman. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong by being attracted to masculine women. The idea that men shouldn't be attracted to masculine women because its "not for them" is just so... fucking weird? Like how do those people interact with mlw masc women? I'm guessing they either don't or do some weird lesbian separatist bullshit and blame them for lesbophobia. Acting like only women are "allowed" to be attracted to masculine women is not only a weird fucking thing to say to men attracted to women, but actively erases any other form of female masculinity and butchness by acting like your only options are "lesbian and butch" or "straight and feminine".

Secondly, I personally have a big beef with the idea that butchness is about rejecting men. It's straight up lesbian separatism shit; its all focused on making lesbianism about rejecting (and separating from) men, instead of focusing on the love of women. If someone personally feels their butchness is inherently related to not being with men, good for them, but that is not universal. Especially since there are butch men, and specifically butch gay men. Its also an argument that has been used to forcibly distance bisexual women from their own history and language, by saying that only lesbians can really be butch because they're pure and they have the specialist relationship with gender ever because they're lesbians and bisexual women have like. ickie gross man cooties so they all must be femme and probably only fuck girls for their boyfriend so they aren't real lesbians butches. The idea that no woman who's attracted to men could have a complicated relationship with gender or masculinity is just a lot of biphobia and lesbian separatism.

"Men can only date feminine women" honestly feels like some warped kind of homophobia- who the hell benefits from having yet another arbitrary restriction on who's "allowed" to be attracted to people of a certain gender or gender presentation? I promise you there are masc women who would be very flattered and excited by your attraction to them, and it is not creepy to find them attractive or want to be with them as a man.

[feathered-serpents]

Why does m!fenhawke pisses you so much? You really hate the fact that your pixel boyfriend like other men don't you? Your weirdo

Okay, so I'm gonna make it very clear that I am aware, given the nature of this ask, that you don't actually care about my reasoning behind my (yes present!) bitterness towards M!FenHawke, and just want to #own me with a tumblr ask. But I have needed an excuse to talk about this so, thanks for providing it, even if it is on the wrong blog (right blog -> @high-dragon-bait for future complaints)

I'm not pissed off by M!FenHawke (for the most part.) Fenris' bisexuality is incredibly important to me. In my own canon, I have him marry a man years after my Hawke dies (his name is Lucien he's a short king and I love him). I am pissed off by M!Hawke. Just in general. Full stop

And yes, it is petty!

The Dragon Age fandom has a serious misogyny problem. No one likes to admit it, but my GOD is it bad. And before anyone tries it, I am talking solely about the fanbase, that is, the treatment of real people in the fandom. This is not about NPCs, and this is not about F/F ships, though this problem hurts both of those factors, I am SOLELY talking about the treatment of female or perceived female fans by the fandom.

It's bad

Like. It's bad

And this is reflected in the prevalence of M!Hawke. Not. Deliberately. I'm not saying anyone who posts M!Hawke content is deliberately shitting on female fans, that's insane, I am saying that the prevalent assumption of male Hawke is a symptom of the larger problem.

Now that's a lot of word jumble that could still be misconstrued so let me clarify what I mean. How many times have you seen a text post where Hawke is universally referred to as "he?" How many times have you seen a post that calls Hawke "Garrett" not like that posters OC, but like the canon name of the character? How many times have you seen Hawke's "canon" gender assumed male despite this being a game with a customizable protagonist that does not have a canon gender?

More times than you've seen Hawke is universally referred to as "she" or called "Marian" in the same manner. I promise you. Those posts exist, but they PALE in numbers to the previous posts

You don't see this with the other protagonists, the Inquisitor or The Warden. At least not as much, you will sometimes see the Warden referred to with a gendered pronoun (he/she), but not with the same ubiquity as you see male Hawke.

And obviously, obviously, OBVIOUSLY, it is hard to tell whether this is being done with the intent of the ubiquitous assumption or is just done by someone talking about their own canon. I cannot say I have magic eye lasers that let me see the poster's intent. I don't. I can say that I've seen much much more content of male Hawke over female Hawke. I can say I've seen female Hawke brushed aside or ignored in favor of male Hawke. I can say that I was harassed back in 2014 and saw other users around that time harassed for DARING to romance Fenris with a female Hawke DESPITE Fenris being canonically bisexual (Because otherwise he would not have been allowed in Kirkwall without a $10 fee)

All of that... is rooted in misogyny. I'm sorry. It just is. With a healthy dose of biphobia on the side. You can be uncomfortable with that and argue it all you want. It does not change that fact.

And this is not only seen with Hawke. By god it is not only seen with Hawke. Another prevalent example of Dragon Age fandom misogyny is the treatment of Solasmancers and Cullenmancers. Both of these are characters mostly popular with female fans, for obvious reasons, and they are also characters with some of the most VITRIOLIC hate you will find in the fandom. Now, obviously this isn't automatically rooted in misogyny. Both of these characters have extremely prevalent flaws and not liking them is perfectly understandable. I don't really like Cullen myself. But a lot of the hate for these characters, and the people who like them, is very targeted towards the fact that those fans are probably going to be women.

You'll see people who hate Solas say that he's just a "teenage girl teacher crush fantasy" or people who hate Cullen attack his fans for being "30-year-old sad moms." Those sound like somewhat catch-all insults but they ARE attacking the female-ness of the fan at their core. And that is BAD

Female protagonists are the ones most often called "boring" (F!Lavellan, F!Cousland), they are the ones most often ignored (F!Hawke), they are the ones most often ridiculed with their female-ness at the core of that ridicule before anything else. It's everywhere, and no one talks about it

And before you try it again, no, I am not talking about queer fans who just don't like m/f pairings. They are not wrong for that. If you are a queer fan who simply prefers same-sex pairings that is your business, it is the moment you are attacking fans, usually female fans, for playing a game the way they enjoy that it becomes an issue.

Because despite what Twitter told me when I tried to have this discussion there, misogynistic harassment is still not okay even if queer people are doing it.

So. That's why I like to reblog more pictures of female Hawke

[that-disabled-princess]

Hey uhm... if you don't mind, I have a question for you. I saw in one of your recent posts that you're a fellow non-SAM aromantic. Are you out to anyone irl as aro? If so, how did you explain the whole labeling your "sexuality" (as in, general orientation) without actually labeling your sexuality? Because I kinda wanna come out to my best friend as aromantic and I'm not sure how to do it. I have thought about coming out as aroace (as my experiences are a lot closer to ace than allo) but I'm not really comfortable with the ace label as I simply don't know if it's really accurate. Plus, I'm afraid my friend would miss that I'm aro and just call me ace whenever the topic of orientation comes up (without any bad intentions but still). But I also don't want my friend to assume I'm sexually interested in people.

Do you have any advice, perchance?

(Unrelated to that, I'm happy I found another physically disabled non-SAM aro on here)

Hi! Sorry it took me a minute to answer this, I wanted to give this ask a thoughtful answer.

I am out to irl people as aro. My best friend and my immediate family are the only ones I'm really out out to, though. I don't tend to take the time to explain it unless I actually need to because... you're right. It is so, extremely difficult explaining what being aspec means and all the little nuances of the a-spectrum.

I don't think I ever properly came out to my family either until this year. Just... made some aro jokes and let them assume whatever they wanted. I stopped coming out with every new update a couple years ago. My family is supportive and accepting, and our mom doesn't pressure us into any sort of relationship or anything like that.

Clarification: When I say "family" here, I mean my immediate family only. We're not even gonna touch my extended family.

Now, I did identify as aroace for a bit before realizing I wasn't exactly asexual. But my aromanticism has always been a bigger part of my identity, so as far as I can remember, dropping the asexual label wasn't a huge deal to anyone.

At the beginning of January, though, I did try to explain the concept of being aro without being ace to my family. Since my sibling is aroace, I'm not sure they (my sibling) really got it, but they did accept it. I explained that sexual and romantic attraction are two different things, and that you can feel one without feeling the other. We were running an errand, so it was a bit of a... rushed explanation.

If I'd had more time to explain the differences, though, these would've been some of the examples I used:

First off, one-night stands are a thing. You don't have to be romantically attracted to someone to be sexually attracted to them or to have sex.

You can also have a crush on someone without wanting to bang them.

Therefore, sexual and romantic attraction can be felt separately and are two different things, and alloaces and aroallos and non-SAM aces and aros are valid.

As for your concern about others assuming you're sexually interested in people: for me personally--and I've seen other non-SAM aros talk about this--my aromanticism affects the way I experience sexual attraction. I experience sexual attraction, but not Like Allos Do. My romantic orientation is aro, and my bisexuality is also aro. In a way, it is much closer to the asexual experience, only none of the acespec labels feel right. I don't know what being non-SAM aro is like for you, though, but it sounds like your experiences might be similar, so maybe this explanation can help?

And as for coming out as something you're not... The want to do that really is something, huh?

I'd say it's better to be honest if you're in a safe enough place to do so. (And this is coming from someone who originally came out as a lesbian due to internalized biphobia.) Be honest with your friend and be kind to yourself. Let your friend know that you're still working through some stuff and still figuring things out. If they're a good friend, they'll understand that.

I hope this is helpful and that everything goes/went well, love 💚💚

[frigid666]

til that the first man in the united states to gain significant media attention as a male rape survivor was bisexual activist, writer, prison reformist, and punk stephen donaldson (born robert anthony martin jr). 

prior to his initial rape, he was the proposer and a founding member of the student homophile league (shl), which was a lgbt student-lead campus organization - the first in the world of its kind - with gay fellow colombia student james millham and other anonymous lgbt-identified students. he later transitioned from gay activism to other counter-cultural activisms after graduating from college and joining the navy, such as the peace movement inspired by the contemporaneous war in vietnam. he was arrested in 1972 (aged 26) during an anti-war protest, and was brutally assaulted while imprisoned in a dangerous cell block. he believed (and imo, is highly likely) that he had been purposefully transferred to the dangerous cell block by a police captain hostile to his political views and set-up to be raped for listing his occupation as a journalist during intake. unfortunately, he would find himself being victimized similarly in future times of his life. he bravely went forward with a legal complaint, but ultimately received no justice. his experience is a manifestation of the fact that sexual abuse victims are often repeatedly traumatized throughout their lives.

link is for a primary source that was written about the incidents of rape that influenced donaldson’s interest in male rape advocacy and prison reform. 

cw: graphic descriptions of rape, violence, and abuse, mentions of police brutality 

i debated including a link to this article in my post, as it was extremely difficult and upsetting for me to read and i don’t want to cause others similar distress, but i think it is a valuable resource because it includes donaldson’s own words on his trauma. i don’t personally agree or resonate with everything he says in it, but i respect that he was a victim, and that the perspectives of ALL victims are valuable to understanding how sexual abuse affects people, and i believe in affording trauma victims the grace to try and decipher their own feelings even if they are vulgar or not always normative/appropriate. 

in spite of lasting mental and physical results of his abuse, he remained a prolific writer, volunteered as a peer counselor to other male rape victims for many years, and eventually helped to create an organization against prison rape, stop prison rape (spr), which continues to fight for the rights of imprisoned people, such as protections against peer and correctional officer sexual abuse of prisoners.

i am grateful to finally have some time to read more about the rich history of bisexual activism. it has been so so important for my journey of healing from internalized biphobia, and i knew there would be many painful testimonials to be read alongside all the joyful ones. there is a lot to be said about donaldson, as i have read a lot more about him that i did not include in this short write-up (like him being published in flipside and maximumrockandroll, will definitely be looking out for anything he wrote for those) and he is far far more than the terrible things that happened to him. he would 100% be someone i would talk to in the afterlife. however, i am left with a feeling of just wanting to give donaldson a hug. why do bisexual people have to go through so much. 

[faaun]

i just want to say, as a bi girl with a really strong preference for women (to the point where i used to id as a lesbian and still question if i am one on a regular basis) some of your posts really resonate with where my mind has been lately. i feel a lot less alone knowing that someone else has gone through these experiences before. i’m so sorry about that anon, it was a disgusting sentiment and i can’t believe someone actually typed it out and thought it was a completely normal and acceptable thing to say to another person. sending much love ❤️

tbank you anon ♡ i also don't understand, sending someone something so graphic and vile over them being excited abt a first date is so insane to me! i thought i was a lesbian for almost 10 years of my life so it was kind of strange to suddenly start calling myself bisexual esp bc i was (and sometimes still am) uncertain abt it, but this is the first instance where i have experiences biphobia and yeah truly horrible !! my brain just can't comprehend it, esp bc even if you try to take it as charitably as possible, the logic ends up being misogynistic and lesphobic so ??? i don't understand :') and to a stranger ?? i just write things and post pretty photos pls

i'm really glad my posts made u feel less alone in ur experience btw !! the asks i received while i was questioning whether i was bi like two or three times rly helped me feel less alone too so i understand how nice it can be ♡ ur def not alone !

[thebisexualdogdad]

hey, sorry if this is invasive - idk how open u are abt gender things these days. but anyway, ive been a fan of ur blog since probably 2019, maybe before? during that time period, i thought i was a transman and found some serious comfort in ur works. in times since, my gender has changed a lot. now, im essentially back to square one - what id like to ask is, how and when did u "know" u were transmasculine? ik u identify now as nonbinary, how did u know that was ur true identity? i identify somewhat with transmasculine non-binary, and id just like ur perspective from ur journey as you've been such an inspiration to me.

thanks,

A

First of all thank you for the kind words and for following me for so long!

And secondly I have no problem talking about these things because I think it's important for us to be open when it comes to identity and the way its fluid and can change, especially with all the de-transistioners on social media who took a complete left turn and are now super anti trans because thier identity changed and think gender affirming care ruined thier life.

So my identity has always been a journey, when I was a kid I never felt like a girl but no one ever told me I didn't have to be one so I spent my entire life confused and not understanding why I didn't fit in with the other girls. When I was in high school it was okay to be gay but there was so much biphobia still rampant that I told myself well I like girls more so that must mean I'm gay because you can't like both. It was when I was 18 and fully understood what it meant to be trans I was like oh shit this why I've always felt this way. I'm trans but again at that time being non binary wasn't as accepted so even though sometimes I felt in the middle ground I must be a boy because you have to be one or the other.

Around 22 is when I learned more about bisexuality and realized I liked everyone and that being bisexual wasn't a bad thing like people wanted me to think. Even though I learned about being non binary years ago it wasn't until this year when I finally stopped to think about my own identity and understood that even though I am definitely on the masculine side of the gender spectrum and not female in anyway, part of me still feels in the middle ground and that I like using they/them pronouns along with he/him so currently transmasculine nonbinary is where im at.

What I'm trying to get at is that it's okay to not understand your identity, for some people it's crystal clear and for some people it's not so clear and takes time while for some like me it's fluid and ever changing which I can't stress enough it's okay for your identity to change during different parts of your life and don't let anyone try to make you feel bad for changing your identity!

If anyone wants to share thier own journey with either thier gender identity or sexuality in my inbox please know its a safe space to do so!

[hehimdykesrock]

Hi. I was wondering if you could elaborate a bit on your reasoning for encouraging the “Bi/Mspec Lesbian” label? I’m not a fan of the label but at least want to try to see where you’re coming from??

Bc as a lesbian who previously identified as bisexual, I honestly find the “Bi Lesbian” label invalidating to both identities. For context, I identified as Bi for quite a while bc I had been told that Lesbians don’t include nonbinary people or trans women. Which is not true!!!

Mspec sapphic people already have the terms Bi and Pan (and Queer, Sapphic, etc.)- Lesbian is the ONLY one that doesn’t include men. Adding it to the Bi label just caters to the fear of not being ‘gay enough’ that society drills into mspec sapphics. Bi women/enbys are still queer. A feminine gender preference can be described just as easily with the term Sapphic. The “Bi Lesbian” term just reinforces the harmful idea that Lesbians ‘jUsT hAvEn’T mEt ThE rIgHt GuY yEt’.

A personal anecdote: in the past few years, I have begun to actively avoid telling men I’m not close to that I’m a Lesbian. Because they frequently want to take it as a challenge. To “convert” me. The “mspec lesbian” idea actively puts Lesbians in danger by just repackaging conservative ideologies under the veil of being *progressive*. (Invalidating the validity of sapphic identities/relationships, and that ‘ALL women are attracted to men/can be converted’. I have also seen mspec lesbians say Lesbians are terfs as a justification for the new label- while the justifications themselves sound transphobic??? The jist of it usually is- ‘Lesbians are transphobic. The identity is defined by not being attracted to men- So why can they like trans women but can’t like binary trans men! Even though I totally believe that trans women are women and trans men are men!!!’)

Sorry this is long and repetitive. I wanted to try to put as much of my reasoning as I could. While I can empathize with why the bi lesbian label was created (bc I identified as Bi for a very long time + thus became heavily aware of biphobia within the LGBTQIA+ community. Even from Lesbians.)- it ultimately implies that Bisexuality isn’t considered “gay enough” and unintentionally perpetuates the idea that Lesbians can be converted into liking men.

My first thought is this sounds like some radfem Gold Star Lesbian bullshit lol. And yeah this is super long and repetitive, so I'm not gonna worry too much about the quality/conciseness of my response. Guess ill try to just take it peice by piece. I usually don't entertain shit like this but I'm bored today so let's try it.

Why do you find someone else having a different experince than you invalidating? Have you considered that this may be a personal insecurity more so than the responsibility of the people who's identities you're uncomfortable with?

The bisexual label has bever been exclusive of trans/nonbinary people, and the misconception that it is is itself transphobia in action. You say you changed your mind about that label after learning that it isn't exclusive of trans people, congratulations. That doesn't mean that everyone else using the bisexual label just hasn't come to that conclusion yet.

Lesbian has historically included bisexuals and etc. It's never been exclusive, but there have always been exclusive people in every queer community.

Do you think there is any true distinction between bisexual history and gay/lesbian history? Why can't we share words? Why are we all obsessed with being unique? Why does it matter so much if we overlap? Isn't that the point of community? To share and to be different and have overlap, to take joy in each other's experiences? Why are you so intent on defining exactly who can be what? Is the point of queerness not to acknowledge our inate and complex humanity, to say "I am unquauntifiable"? It is to me. But maybe that's philosophical, in which case my practical down-to-earth questions are: who gets to make the rules about who gets to be what, who is going to enforce these rules, and what tool of violence are you granting them to do so? Is it you? Is it the government? Is it an organized elected council of queer elders? Are the freaks who don't follow the rules exiled, shunned, imprisoned?

As for these other words we "already have" like sapphic, have you considered that we "already have" lesbian? Lesbian has historically been a word for women(etc) who are attracted to women(etc). Why did we need to make new words to separate each other? Why did we need sapphic when we already had lesbian? I don't feel that making and using new words is wrong and I support anyone who wants to use these labels, I'm just demonstrating that the logic behind that point of yours is identical when flipped. Lesbian has always been here for people like me, it was the only word we had for a long while, so who are you to rewrite its history?

Your personal experience of queerness is not universal. Words mean slightly different things to everyone, that's how languages and humans work. And that's a good thing. That's the point of all this!

The kind of people who harass and assault lesbians don't care about this shit. Are you seriously trying to blame a whole group of queers for ... queers being harassed and assaulted? The straight cis guys who are chasing and trying to "convert" lesbians already don't think of women and lesbians as people. They're not gonna sit there and debate the finer points of someone's identity before they decide if they want to assault them.

The bigots don't care about our labels. They don't even respect whether someone is actually queer or is just someone they perceive as queer. Outside online discourse like this, a faggot is a faggot is a faggot.

I do not have any patience for anyone who believes certain types of queers make the rest of us look bad. Like seriously why are we still doing this? Also you personally right now with this ask have just repackaged dangerous conservative ideologies under the veil of being *progressive*! This is some seriously puritan stuff you've said here! You say it yourself that you have been a victim of being sexually pursued against your will and that you take certain precautions in life to prevent that from happening, and then you turn right around and blame a whole demographic of people *with that exact experience* for bringing that experience onto themselves *and onto you*! What!

Literally nobody is saying all women have the ability to be attracted to men. I have literally never seen or said that apart from this very ask right here. I guess it could happen, someone could be saying that somewhere, but in that situation I'm gonna call them a misogynistic ass and consider them to not be speaking for all lesbians everywhere. And I don't think it's too much to ask that others use the same level of critical thinking skills in that situation.

And as for the people you have seen saying "all lesbians are terfs" those people are lesbophobic. Those are lesbophobes. I don't know what else you want me to say about that, I don't really see how some people being lesbophobic should impact whether or not a whole bunch of other people are morally correct (?) in using the word lesbian.

Ask rating:

4/10 for nonsense and contradiction

[mulderscully]

been thinking about some peoples complaints about how the movie handled alex's coming out as opposed to the book.

part of me understands because the movie did sort of neuter this as well as the depth of henry's mental illness, but at the same time i understand why. the movie is already two hours long and tbh if they wanted to do a fully faithful adaptation (which imo is not necessary) it maybe should've been a mini series.

and aside from taking out liam, tbh i still think that all happened just wasn't shown, and the fact that this is why alex has always known he's "lowkey into dudes" i feel like people don't fully grasp what alex goes through in that time after new years in the movie.

not every bisexual person has the same experience, but i can relate to alex pretty well both in the book and in the movie in terms of his sexuality cause they actually are pretty similar.

a lot of times when you're bisexual you just feel like everyone feels this way. you sort of feel like being straight is what being bisexual is, because the idea that others do not experience attraction to the same and different genders sounds... fake. like. i'm not even joking when i say i have a hard time believing straight people exist. i fully, of course, believe gay people exist, but people being straight and not queer at all makes me ??? sometimes, even now that i have identified as bi for over ten years.

then, there is a pretty big difference between knowing you experience same gender attraction from time to time and actively identifying as a bisexual person, as a queer person, a member of the lgbtq community.

bisexuals, to this day, are made to feel like we do not belong by both heterosexual people and our own community (which is why ellen telling alex the b in lgbtq is not a silent letter realllly matters) so sometimes you really do just shut out that part of yourself and choose to see yourself as straight because it's not worth fighting all the biphobia that you face, but it's still a part of you that you are shutting out and repressing, which is what alex was doing with henry the entire time and where his alleged dislike of him comes from in the first place. henry hates how much he loves alex so he's mean to him, alex doesn't understand why henry is mean to him because he wants henry to like him because he ALSO has feelings for him and those things clash.

during the time that henry ghosts him alex has time to evaluate himself, his feelings and his identity. he has the time to say "this is not something that i am going to ignore about myself anymore" and it may not be as magnified as it is for henry because they're in different positions in terms of support systems, it's still powerful.

when he comes out to henry, you can tell he is getting used to thinking of himself as bisexual but you can also tell that he is nervous to say the word, because telling someone you're bi is ALWAYS terrifying because you don't know what they might say to it. on top of that, you can feel that it is important to him to say it, to tell henry who he is now that he understands it.

being bisexual and identifying that way, and that being part of who you are and carrying it in your heart is a different thing than being like "yeah, whatever i'll make out with someone at a party" even if the latter is still a valid way to be queer. and sometimes you just look back and realize that [x] experience was NEVER straight.

and the best part of the movie to me is henry's complete acceptance of this. henry never ever questions alex's attraction to him, he never questions if alex will be able to stay committed to him, if he will leave him for a woman, if he's confused, or any of the things that STILL happen in media with bisexual characters as leads and as a bisexual person that has been one of the most freeing things to watch.

so yes, alex's bisexuality is still very important and handled as such in the film, in my personal bisexual opinion.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Do you think that we need more terms for different types of bisexuals? Obviously there’s the SAM, preferences, the Kinsey scale, terms like omni and pan, etc, but I feel like those all have their own flaws (pan and omni are arguably their own identities, for instance). Sometimes, with the word bisexual, I see how broad a term it really is in describing peoples experiences and feel isolated in my own experiences as a bisexual. Do you think it’s true that most bisexuals have a preference? Is this feeling of being isolated from other bisexuals really about the words used, or is this just me not really being “bisexual” and being some other (likely multisexual) identity?

Hi anon

personally (as someone who uses multiple labels for myself) I don't think we need more terms for different types, it's just that if people find using more/other terms or labels or microlabels helpful to them (maybe to better define their identity or maybe to find other people who are much more like them) then that's fine and good. It's just down to what works best for you.

There are a lot of people under the bisexual label, often with very different experiences, as it is a pretty broad term, but this is going to be true of any and every sexuality label (and most other labels that are nothing to do with sexuality as well), like there's not going to be one single lesbian or gay experience or one single asexual experience and so on. Labels are really just a sort of rough guide not the be all and end all. Because everyone is different though and are not all going to have the same experiences (though some experiences may be much more common than others) unfortunately sometimes some people are going to end up feeling quite isolated from what is supposed to be their community because it seems like the way they experience whatever the thing is is not the same as the way everyone else is experiencing it. As someone who is bisexual and aroace I definitely get what it feels like to be isolated from what are meant to be my communities - I get a much greater sense of belonging from the bi community, unlike the ace and aro and aroace communities, but there are still times when I am very keenly aware that my experiences do not align with most other bi people's experiences so I do totally get what it feel likes to be isolated and alienated but sadly I don't really have the answers as to how to rectify that. I don't think that for me trying to add even more labels or find new labels for myself in place of what I use now is going to be particularly helpful or useful though. But trying different labels may be helpful to other people who feel the same way, so I don't know. It could be useful to you to try other terms out? It is about what works for you because we are all different. I don't think there's anything wrong ever in trying out new terms for yourself and exploring new labels and figuring out what works for you and what doesn't (you don't have to keep a label that turns out not to fit you after all). But if you're attracted to more than one gender and you like the label bisexual for yourself then you are bisexual and you don't have to try to find another label to use instead or in addition to that if you don't want to.

Honestly, I have no idea if most bi people have a preference. I would be inclined to doubt that they do but I think though that there has been this push in recent years, usually by people who aren't even bi or in many cases aren't even mspec at all, to try to insist bisexuality inherently means 'has a gender preference' and to try to force that term onto every single bi person (and try to therefore force the label bi off those people who don't have a preference) but that is just biphobia at work. Some bi people have preferences and some don't but they're all still bi and it is down to the individual to decide if they are bi or if they're pan or something else after all, or if they're bi and pan (or bi and something else). When it comes to the mspec labels there is so much overlap between them and some of them do functionally mean the same thing for many people. Pan and omni and others are absolutely their own identities but simultaneously there are people who are both/all of these things and identify as all of those at once, and then there are people who technically could fall under many of them but only actually identify as one of them. Sometimes which you feel fits you best can come down to something as seemingly trivial as which word you prefer the sound of or which flag colours you like best and it doesn't need to be any deeper than that.

(Also as sort of an aside here, I have no idea obviously if this is applicable to you but I think certainly in some cases some of us are left feeling very isolated/alienated from these more specific/smaller communities because we feel very isolated/alienated from the broader society anyway, due to things like neurodivergence or mental illness. If you're struggling anyway to sort of... fit in and relate to people in general then you're probably more likely to feel this sense of isolation from a smaller community much more acutely. And in these cases possibly trying to fit in more by switching to different labels is not really going to help much, when there's probably a deeper cause to that sense of exclusion and isolation. But that doesn't mean trying out new labels and terms is a bad thing even so, if you want to try that.)

I am sorry you do feel isolated from other bi people and I hope you can come to feel more connection with them. Perhaps trying to get more exposure to even more bi people would help you to see just how varied and diverse bi people really are and help you to remember that there is not one single way to be bisexual and you're not somehow doing being bi wrong just for experiencing your bisexuality in a slightly different way to how a lot of others seem to experience theirs.

Tiger

[mithliya]

i fr hate being a bisexual (woman) and talking to other bisexuals irl bc they are all so chronically online now. i say shit like "i'm not oppressed specifically for being bisexual so much as I am oppressed as a woman and disrespected by homophobes for my same-sex relationship" and all of the sudden im a bigot? like i keep saying to people "why do you WANT to be oppressed? why do you WANT to be a victim of biphobia" and theyre always like "I dont wanna be a victim of biphobia, i AM a victim of biphobia" and then when u ask them to elaborate they either can't or they tell some story about how their mom asked if they were straight now bc they started dating someone of the opposite sex. this goes for men and women, i see it a lot especially as someone who's been febfem for 10 years, it's almost always the het-partnered ones who are the most insistent biphobia is real. I recently spoke to a het-married bi woman at my work and the topic of biphobia was brought up and she was like "wow, that must be new, when I was younger it was really cool to be bi and I knew a lot of lesbians who would pretend to be bi so they'd be less likely to get messed with by homophobes. it sucks that people hate bi folks so much now." and i was like n. no its still just regular homophobia.

sorry for rambling i just appreciate any corner of the internet that has not been ambushed by this bullshit.

im not sure if u meant that ur like victimised by homophobia or maybe u dont wanna say that cause u feel like its disrespectful to gay ppl or sth. personally i think bi people are targets of homophobia esp when theyre in same sex relationships and im all for bi ppl talking about their specific experiences w homophobia (since theres overlap but also it will naturally differ a bit from the homophobia gay ppl experience).

but also unfortunately way too many do seem to think things that we can argue are prejudice or ignorance or erasure is akin to oppression. its true, many bi ppl are assumed to be either gay or straight. its a harmful and false misconception and should be criticised and corrected. i would not say its on par with systemic homophobia tho.

"wow, that must be new, when I was younger it was really cool to be bi and I knew a lot of lesbians who would pretend to be bi so they'd be less likely to get messed with by homophobes. it sucks that people hate bi folks so much now."

omg something about this comment.............but i do remember bisexuality was extremely trendy in the 2000s and i think 90s too?! not sure id say its very hated now as opposed to then tho. i think the same ppl who hated bi people also hated them back then as they do now, and i highly doubt theyd feel any better about gay ppl.

[ashtraythief]

This is so random, but I’ve always been curious about this. Do you prefer Jensen and Jared to be gay or bi? I’ve noticed most fanfic writers for J-squared (and you in your fics) tend to prefer to make them gay. In Supernatural fics, I think their more often bi? Or at least maybe it’s just the ones I’m reading. Do you have a preference for one over the other and why? I’m bi myself, so I have a preference for bi characters, but there are exceptions. I love Jared in Underneath being gay. The crime world is really homophobic, and him having to navigate that and still command respect and say fuck you to stereotypes is beautiful. Him being gay and unwilling to hide that part of his really adds something nice to his character. So yeah, I was just curious to hear your thoughts!

This is a really interesting question and I had to think about that. I have… several thoughts about it. Because it made me wonder, as someone who considers herself queer (I haven’t found a more specific label yet I like and I’m not sure whether I want one for myself, but I am definitely neither straight nor lesbian, so more closer to bi than anything I think, and yeah, it made me wonder: why do I not write more bi characters?

I think in parts it’s the J2 tradition. You’re right, there are way more fics with the Js being gay than bi. Part of it may be due to biphobia or even just a lack of understanding anything that’s not gay or straight? It is still a thing and it was much more so seventeen to ten years ago, which were the formative years of the J2 fandom. (Never underestimate how much society and the acceptance of the full spectrum of queer people has changed in the last twenty years and just how old the spn fandom is.) In some of the older J2 fics especially where one of them has relationships with women before, the fic then talks about them as gay even though they theoretically still enjoy sex with women and are probably not entirely gay. I wonder how much that relates to biphobia or a general lack of representation of bi men. (In spn canon Dean and Sam have so many canon relationships with women, I think you have to make them bi or pan or Sam-sexual/Dean-sexual or something not straight to make it as close to canon as possible. I certainly write my Sam and Dean as somewhere in the bisexual region or straight with the exception of their brother, but then I don't think I've ever dealt with the specifics of their sexualities in my fics.)

The other thing is more personal for me. As someone who started out thinking she was straight in her teens and then had the whole wait what am I actually thing in her twenties, I think it was just easier to write characters who just know. And obviously I could write bi characters who just know that they’re bi, but I think for me, being bi always seemed much more complicated? Which, apart from my own experience, doesn’t have to be like that at all of course, but again, there is a lack of representation and the bi character rep I’ve experienced is often people struggling with it and figuring it out late. And so I think, for me personally, it just seemed easier. I don’t know, honestly, why I didn’t write the whole wishful thinking bi character who is just bi thing, but maybe that’s due to the whole I don’t want to write about me and my life directly, I want to transform/stay away from my issues as much as possible before I write cathartic fic.

Writing this feels actually really sad because bi rep is so important (see above!). Will this make me write more bi characters in the future? Hopefully. (I’ve dipped my toe into Red, White and Royal Blue and honestly having a character struggle to figure out their bisexuality was really nice—though Alex is really exceptionally obtuse, but then, everybody needs to get there at their own pace.)

Thanks for the question, nonnie. I’d love to hear what other people think about it, but these are my two cents on the matter.

[hallasimss]

get to know me tag.

i was tagged by @browntrait (ty love <333), but these past few weeks have been chaos on my end so we'll see how much of this actually gets filled out sksksksk

last song (istg this f*cks so bad hello???? he didn't have to come for my throat like this i'm shaking. my Spotify lineup about to be WRECKED):

favorite color(s): i have always been into neutrals but lately the dark blues and greens have especially had me in a chokehold????? idk idk they just look so good i'm tempted to overhaul my wardrobe whenever i see them

currently watching: literally just finished Song of the Bandits on Netflix (mother. i am. Bisexual) so i am showless for the moment but i plan to catch up on The Devil's Plan hopefully???? survival entertainment show where if you don't use your brain you're f*cked fingers crossed it's as good as the premise says

last movie: nothing i can remember off the top of my head during the past month or so but before that i rewatched The Throne and cried like a bitch, do not recommend if you do not want to cry like a bitch. also rewatched Sarafina after years and still cried like a bitch so you see where this is going

currently reading: academic class book assignment written by some white man that is dry af and currently draining the life out of me. pray for me pls

sweet/spicy/savory: as someone from the Caribbean why would you ask me that. why would you ask me to choose do you know how my soul left my body two months ago when i got my hands on a good wrap roti and samosa with fried plantain on the side and sweet and spicy chutneys. tamarind and green chutneys i saved the extra to eat with my rice and beans and provision for the rest of the week why would you ask me to choose. no comment i'm sorry

last thing i googled: how to spell 'rhythm'. istg that word always f*cks me up when i'm writing something why does it do that is it bc literally all of the letters are consonants except for y as the functioning pseudo vowel. is that it

current obsession: My Dearest. this show has f*cked me six ways in every direction and it resumes airing in October so my entire month is going to just be me screaming about that sh*t in my freetime on my main. also Khadija Mbowe bc uh. hoo boy the tea is always piping hot on their channel (peep the video they did about biphobia and the downlow paradox. they dropped this during Pride they did this for me)

currently working on: surviving this semi-self study semester, the embarrassing amount of fanfic drafts in my notes app, dragging my ass out of CAS and actually doing some f*cking gameplay

tagging: the spoons are non-existent today especially so atp if you see this you're tagged. you're welcome in advance