#but i also want you to know that i will NEVER stop posting aziz and definitely not planning to be less frequent about it

[payidaresque]

my mutuals are so fucking cool???

[fbfh]

curiosity is a wonderful thing - ch. 7

wc: 2.4k

genre: slowburn, friends to lovers, fluff

pairing: audrey x ben, eventual ben x daughter of alice!reader

warnings: none I don't think?? the word biznautch (which is not a word but I'm sure tuco and saul would disagree)

summary: you and ben catch up while you walk around campus. you talk about the isle kids, and ben wishes desperately he could be as close to you as he wants to.

song recs: honey and the bee - owl city, galactic bloom - bee and puppycat ost

a/n: huzzah i am back from the dead!! (sort of). anyway definitely expect a slow trickle of sporadically posted long form fics and regularly scheduled drabbles and asks. love you guys. love that you love curiosity as much as I do. here's a fit. as a treat. :* (also expect things to get real dramatic real quick)

TAGS @yesv01 @magcon7280 @hopefullhearts @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @sunshineangel-reads @dustyinkpages @inejsknifes @tulipmagnoliaisme @ev3ningrain

After the next day, things begin to settle down and go back to normal. The Isle kids start their remedial goodness classes, the boys try out for sports, and Mal tags along with Evie as she socializes between class periods. You find yourself running between campus and your dorm where you’d forgotten your report on your desk after the late night before, and end up feeling that you’re quite discombobulated for most of the afternoon. Ben, of course, is as busy as ever. You don’t think you’ve seen each other for more than two seconds today, and you can’t say you like when things get all frantic like this.

After classes, and after your quick detour to Wonderland, and after Ben’s meeting with Fairy Godmother and tourney practice, you try to figure out what to do until the junior royal council meeting today. Audrey will be there - if she decides to show up, that is. You also received RSVPs from Aziz, Jordan, Lonnie, and Herkie. The main topic of discussion for this meeting will be to plug in with them and get an idea of how the student body is feeling with the addition of the Isle kids to the school. If there are no major delays, Ben and Herkie should be able to get back to tourney on time to get ready for the match later. It’s going to be a huge deal - the first big game of the year - and the whole school is buzzing with excitement. 

You sit at a table outside by the school’s hedge maze, sipping some tea as you finish your homework. It’s peaceful, and the weather is ambient. Your mind zips and buzzes around like a bread and butterfly, flitting between your history of magic worksheet, where you’ll explore next time you can sneak off to Wonderland, how Ben is doing - and by proxy, how the Isle kids are doing. A warm breeze passes by you, and you can smell flowers as it swirls around. Hydrangeas maybe? No, lilacs. Definitely lilacs. You hear footsteps approaching down the cobblestone path leading to the gardens and hedge maze. When you look up, you’re surprised to see Ben in his tourney uniform. 

“Ben!” You exclaim happily, standing up and scurrying over to greet him. He opens up his arms to wrap you in a big, warm hug. He’s a little sweaty from practice, but he doesn’t smell bad. You don’t think Ben ever smells bad (maybe a little bit like wet dog when he goes swimming, but it’s not overbearing or unpleasant.)

“What are you doing here?” You ask, wondering if he’ll be able to meet all the tasks on his agenda without running late. He shrugs a little, smiling as he pulls away.

“I was nearby, I thought I’d stop by for a few minutes before getting changed for the junior council meeting.”

You smile up at him with a knowing, appreciative look. His dorm is nowhere near the gardens, and seeing you was definitely not along the way. But your heart warms that he still took some time out of his blackberry jam-packed schedule to stop by and see you. You know if you don’t walk him back to campus he’ll never get changed in time, so you gather up your stuff, tucking it somewhat neatly back in your teapot bag. 

“Well, your timing couldn’t be more impeccable, as I was just about done out here.” 

Ben chuckles a little, and you walk alongside each other towards the rest of campus. 

“So, how did tourney practice go?” You ask. You know the whole team is really excited for this game, but they’ve been putting a lot of pressure on themselves too. Ben takes in a breath before replying.

“I think we’re just about as ready as we’ll ever be.” You nod, humming in agreement as he continues. “I mean, running drills and plays is great, you can never practice enough. But unless we can actually apply the plays on the field the way we do them during practice - on a good day, at least-” 

You chuckle with him, remembering all the stories of how questionably tourney practices can end up when the other players are more focused on goofing off than improving their skills.

“That’s when we’ll actually see some improvement.” 

You nod in approval. 

“Hopefully Chad will learn how to actually complete a pass, too.”

A loud laugh bursts out of Ben. He never would have said it outloud, but you both know you were thinking it. “Yeah,” he agrees with a chuckle, “that- that would be a very good day.” 

He glances down at you, walking close beside him. Just like how you always seem to know just what he’s thinking, he’s gotten pretty good at reading your mind in that same way. He knows the question that’s rolling around the tip of your tongue, itching to get out. 

“The new transfers are doing well, too.” He nods. 

You’ve both heard countless people calling them the Isle kids, and it seems to be catching on. You and Ben had both hoped that they would be known as transfer students at most - the whole point is to help them assimilate to become part of Auradon, not constantly remind them of the past. But if there’s one thing you and Ben both know about people and politics, it’s that you can’t control public opinion. Or word of mouth. As long as they’re not bothered by it, you and Ben don’t feel it’s any issue, but you still call them transfers out of habit when speaking to each other. You just hope they’ll trust you enough to express any discomfort or upset that might arise. 

“Jay has been… crushing it at tourney.” He says with a slight chuckle and disbelieving shake of his head. 

“I can’t believe he hadn’t had an opportunity to play before now,” you agree. “Imagine how great he’d be if he’d been recruited before now.”

Ben agrees, and a resolute silence settles over the two of you for a moment. If he keeps playing and improving like he has been, Jay could easily land a spot on a pro tourney team after graduating. Ben wouldn’t be surprised if he was recruited before then. If he had been given an opportunity to play before now, he would practically have a guaranteed career handed to him. Probably more than one. It’s so terrible that his talent was wasted before now, and if he hadn’t pushed for this proclamation… 

Ben’s mind begins to wander back to the other poor kids stuck on the Isle. He knows they’re meant for more than that, that there are future doctors and activists and artists walking around there every day. Future friends that he can easily see growing into established pillars and cornerstones of the community. He gets that ache in his chest, that impulse to just say fuck it and bring everyone over at once. He curbs it as soon as it shows up. He knows that the way to make that happen, the way to repay them for all their unnecessary suffering is to make sure he puts in the work right here, right now. If he wants to bring more people over - which he fully intends to do - he has to make sure that the first four succeed. 

“Oh,” he starts, pulling out of his train of thought, turning his attention back to you. “And Carlos?”

You look at him, eager to know how he’s doing.

“You’re never going to believe this,” he starts with a chuckle, “Carlos and Duke have been inseparable for the better part of a week.” 

He watches you closely as he speaks, not wanting to miss the moment when you realize how great this is. He watches as your eyes widen and you let out a delighted gasp. 

“Really?” You exclaim. Ben is already nodding, smiling right along with you, swept up in your infectious joy.

“Yeah, I-I couldn’t believe it, I mean, he was terrified of dogs - his mother called them…” he struggles for a moment to remember the exact phrase Carlos had used. “Rabid pack animals.”

“What?” You can’t believe anyone would hate animals so much, especially enough to make someone else so deathly afraid of them. “Why on earth would she-” 

“I don’t know.” Ben finishes for you. 

“Sounds like-” 

Something Audrey would say.

You catch yourself, thinking better of it before completing the thought. 

“Oh,” you pretend to interrupt yourself with a more important thought, “how is Evie doing? She was having a difficult time in class today.” 

Ben nods sadly.

“Yeah. I spoke to Doug about it. She, uh- she was reading her answers off of something.”

“She’s probably nervous.” You add. “I mean, education isn’t exactly the Isle’s top priority…”

It’s the understatement of the century, and Ben quickly sees where you’re headed with that. If none of the Isle kids were ever in an appropriately challenging or attentive academic setting, of course Auradon Prep would be overwhelming. Ben nods, realizing the same thing.

“I’ll work with the faculty- see if I can set them up with some tutors once they’re a little more… settled in.” 

You nod, about to say something when you pause in your tracks. Ben stops, looking back at you and wondering what he missed. Before he can ask, you let out a sigh.

“Look at this!” You exclaim, gesturing to a section of brick wall encasing a topiary. It’s been painted in shades of green, purple, and black spray paint, expertly crafted into a dynamic dragon silhouette. You turn back to Ben, frustrated at all the potential going to waste on the Isle. 

“Please tell me she’s signed up for some sort of art class.” You ask, somewhat rhetorically.

Ben follows your gaze, noticing the paint that now decorates the previously barren wall. 

Ben chuckles a little, agreeing with you. 

“I’ll be sure to-”

“Oh! Did I tell you?” You exclaim, suddenly remembering something you’d been desperate to tell Ben earlier that day. Ben, used to all sorts of interesting twists and turns in conversations with you, simply files his thought away on a little post it note in his brain, and turns his attention back to you.

“I don’t know, did you?” He asks, somewhat rhetorically. 

“Do you remember how I told you about the wildflowers and their song recitals?” 

“Of course,” he nods. How could he forget anything you tell him? Especially when it’s about Wonderland?

“The poppies and the peonies have begun to argue over who’s going to sing the alto solo in the second verse.” You state as intensely and dramatically as if you were recounting the most mind boggling argument you’ve ever seen. As you recount the increasingly petty arguments between the flowers, the clashing of their personalities, Ben realizes this probably is the most mind boggling drama you’ve ever seen. 

Ben listens intently as you describe the clashing personalities of and different cliques forming among the Wonderland wildflowers. His heart sinks a little in that way it always tends to when you talk about Wonderland. He wishes he could go there with you. It breaks his heart that he’ll never be able to see it first hand, that you’ll never get to show it to him. He wants more than anything to be able see where you’re from, to take it the wonder. He knows how much it would mean to you, which is more than reason enough. Besides, he feels like if he could just go there, if he could stand in the same place where you feel most at home, he feels like he could really, finally understand it. Understand you. 

But he knows it’s too dangerous. You both do. He just wishes you had someone to protect you, to keep you safe. 

“Is it dangerous there?” He had asked you once. “No.” You’d replied with a coy smile. “Not if you know what you’re doing.”

“Do you?” He had teased. You laughed. You nudged him with your shoulder. 

“As much as I know my tea.” 

That settled it for him.

He knows that even if you did have some sort of bodyguard with you down there with you, you’d be the one protecting them. 

“Oh, by the by,” your voice pulls him from his train of thought as you approach the school. “Don’t worry about those papers for the next council meeting, I’ll drop them off for you.” 

He had completely forgotten about that. 

“Are you sure?” He starts to ask, but you’re already playfully waving his concern away. 

“Pish tosh.” You state.

“Okay…” he concedes, chuckling at your turn of phrase. 

“I wasn’t done.” You state, with a humorously serious expression. 

“Pish tosh, fish wash, bish bosh, coin toss.” 

His chuckle has turned into full blown laughter.

“Car floss, hair loss, kiss squash, witch watch, biznautch.” You finish. “It’s bad luck not to say the whole thing.” You counter. 

“I’ll… I’ll remember that, bunny.” You nod your head curtly. “Here, uh-”

He fumbles through his bag for the papers to hand you, which you accept happily. 

“Right…” you tuck them into your teapot, pulling out your messy, worn in planner. It always has a million things sticking out of it and falling out from between the pages. Every time you take it out, Ben thinks it looks so… frazzled. 

“Right right right,” you mutter, making a noise when you find what you’re looking for. “So. I drop off the papers, check on the party planning committee, then a quick dip down and back in time for the tourney match.” 

You look at Ben for approval, making sure you hadn’t forgotten something. He nods.

“Yes. And I am going to go check on the transfers-”

“Text me and update, please?” You ask sweetly. Ben knows you don’t have great reception in Wonderland - but more than that, you usually wind up so engrossed that you forget you even have a phone. Despite this, you love coming back up to Overland to be met with a flurry of texts from Ben. Random thoughts, reminders he worried he’d forget, and anything else flitting across his mind between when you left and where you were.

“Of course,” Ben smiles, then continues. “Check on transfers, meet up with Audrey, warm up and practice with the team, then it’s game time.” 

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” You state, reassuring him you’ll be back in time no matter what. You look down at the rabbit hole opening up at your feet, then back up at Ben.

“Either of them.”

[marzipanandminutiae]

re: your recent post about the Houthis and how you thought the free Palestine movement was all in agreement and specifically this paragraph -

"kind of makes me concerned that some people who say they're censuring Israel for the right reasons- ... -have something more sinister going on"

sadly, a whole fucking lot of them do not, in fact, care for Palestinians - or at the very least, not at much as they hate jews.

we have been talking and yelling and shouting about the amounts of rancid antisemitism overtaking the entire political spectrum, and it seems very few people listen to us. I'd like to add just a few posts that might make my point clear - took me about 3 minutes to find them

https://www.tumblr.com/spacelazarwolf/738972445267165184/people-call-you-a-zionist-because-you-dont-post

(people using (((Zionist))) to mean jew, and/or as a slur, and/or without knowing even the most basic definition, never mind the very different streams of thought regarding it)

https://www.tumblr.com/pauvrecamille/739139228538208256

("Hitler was a humanitarian" + Palestine flag -- which do you think the user actually believes? could they be trying to mask antisemitism as anti zionism?)

https://www.tumblr.com/rock-reblogs/739264338509053952/no-bc-you-are-so-right-for-this

(people taking a frat-boy-esqe stupid/dangerous act of digging a tunnel under a building and turning it into... that)

https://www.tumblr.com/mariacallous/738956988704292864

(a Palestinian man trying to pave the way for peace getting called a 'slimy collaborator' and a 'zionist' (derogatory), + not in this post, but there's also John Aziz, another Gazan advocating for a peaceful resolution, who got a shitton of death threats for saying hamas' mass rape is bad)

https://www.tumblr.com/noparlpf/738692836513431555/anti-zionism-is-not-antisemitism-and-im-gonna-say

(anti zionism and antisemitism are currently incredibly intertwined)

thank you for seeing that there's something wrong and pointing it out - a lot of people don't care enough to do that.

That is. All deeply horrifying. Pointing out misinformation is what I do, though, albeit usually about history.

And while I shouldn't have to say this in a post that's explicitly about antisemitism and the co-opting of concern for Palestine to promote it:

I do not support the Israeli government's current actions in Palestine. I think they are appalling. I think they're akin to responding to a murderer using a child as a shield by shooting the child point-blank, and that's unacceptable. This must stop. Palestinian people are being killed indiscriminately and the international community must stand up and say "no." The only thing with the word "Zion" in it that I understand well enough to have an opinion on it is Cotton Mather's "Ornaments of the Daughters of Zion" (1692, unrelated to the Levant or Judaism), but I know that killing innocents on this scale is wrong. I also think my own country, the US, should not be supplying Israel with weapons.

Clear? Hopefully so.

I'm not sure I'd agree with every view expressed by every person linked in this post, buyt that's no excuse for some of the treatment they're getting. Most of what I've seen in my orbit has been people expressing support for the Houthis- perhaps without realizing (gods, I hope so) that the Houthis are a violently antisemitic terrorist group with the slogan "a curse upon the Jews," and are currently attacking ships unrelated to Israel. I feel like some bigoted people are taking advantage of the compassion and outrage of others to lead them down really horrible ideological paths. There are some online activist types who are led more by Vibes than research, and that's a problem when a lot of misinformation seems to confirm what they're already feeling.

The Palestinian activist whose words you linked used a phrase that stands out to me: "resistance porn." That seems an apt term for people who want to assign Good Guys and Bad Guys in this conflict wholesale, rather than recognizing it as two pretty horrible leading groups- the Israeli government and Hamas -catching innocent civilians on both sides in the crossfire. This is not a YA dystopia novel. You cannot just hate every single person on or associated with one side here, or laud every single person on the other side as a bold freedom fighter.

It's just. Like. How the hell does this go so awry from the very noble, correct, and necessary goal of Stopping The Slaughter Of Innocent People? How do the monsters using people's compassion to advance hateful agendas sleep at night?

I don't know. I'm just reminded of the folks who care more about The RevolutionTM than making actual positive change right now, but with bonus antisemitism.

[gryficowa]

It's depressing that people stop boycotting a company when their favorite thing comes out…

Yes, I'm speaking as a GF fan and I understand that Bill's book brings back those emotions from years ago, but remember, Disney will get the money and it sucks, especially when Disney boasted about financial support for Israel and publicly

Marvel Owns Disney (And Has Zionist Propaganda, Yes, It Has a Character Symbolizing Israel)

Broadway is also being boycotted because it financially supported Israel (I speak as a fan of musical theater, although I live in Poland, so I don't have the option of watching it live… In fact, financially even more so, but yes, no matter how much I want to listen, I struggle with myself, because I know it's not worth it)

And the Olympics allowed Israel to take part in the competition, so we are boycotting it too (Just like Harry Potter, not only because of transphobia, Rowling also showed that she is not in favor of a free Palestine)

In addition, Talor Swift and Lady Gaga are silent about Gaza, so we are boycotting them too

And Sonic? I don't know, I have nothing to say because I've never played it (Apart from the browser versions, I mostly played Mario, lol)

And fuck Harris, as well as Biden and Trump

And since I have your attention:

I know there aren't as many links as before :/

It's depressing that many collections cannot reach everyone (And you often have to write to ask people to share, otherwise they don't do it, which sucks, because collections should be shared to reach people who can help, I understand, I I can't make payments, currency, I don't work and I don't have a bank account, and if I wanted to donate to collections, unfortunately I would have to do it virtually, I don't have a bank account because I don't work, because I have a second degree of disability and it makes it impossible for me to find a job)

Unfortunately, this is the only way to reach other people, because recently interest in Gaza has decreased (the same in Sudan and Congo), and when tags are in trends, it is only because something bad is happening, as if the reason for their interest was only that something bad is happening, unfortunately, the downside is that when posts are in the news, all collections disappear in the mass of new posts, so yes, it's a big problem (which I noticed), because often collections stop at a certain amount and do not want to move further

It sucks that you have to go out of your way to reach people (Palestinians themselves often add tags unrelated to the post, unfortunately the risk is that tumblr will consider it spam and delete the post)

It also doesn't help that the tumblr is run by transphobic Zionists, which sucks (Unfortunately, in the era of capitalism, it is impossible to live ethically, especially if you want to spread information about what is happening in Gaza, Sudan and Congo, the same way you share fundraisers, Google bought many platforms, and unfortunately, only they are full of people, without people nothing will succeed)

In addition, there are no alternatives to graphics cards (If you have a notebook, it uses Intel, and Intel companies are on lands stolen from the Palestinians), or for the operating system (Because they are expensive, unfortunately, you have to buy a system with Microsoft)

These are the biggest drawbacks of what is happening, because if you can boycott Disney and many companies (Especially the nestles known for always having moral boundaries somewhere), unfortunately with technology and the Internet it is not that simple

Greetings to those who made it to the end, especially those who shared or donated some amount to one of the collections (You are heroes, even if you don't see yourself as such)

[hopes4gf]

Thievery and Mischief (a marvel/ descendants crossover)

TW: (applies for series: discussions and mentions of rape, underaged sex, cheating, suicide, mental health)

AN: hi! this is a work in progress fanfic i’m uploading in advance of 15 chapters, so please show this some love, also sorry in advance for typos and spelling errors, my grammar is shit ;/ please enjoy!

I was so young. Too young. I didn’t understand why anything happened. I grew up in Agrabah with my parents and my brother, Aziz. But it wasn’t the dream vacation destination everyone in Auradon sought it out to be. It was a wreck. Jafar and Hades had invaded Agrabah and fought against my parents for revenge. Agrabah was damaged after their attack and our government had struggle to repair itself. So we had to live in a semi-permanent safe home for quite some time. By the way, I was also cursed by Jafar as a kid and I could shape shift into a tiger and develop other powers in the future. In my home, Mom was always stressed. Yelling and screaming how we needed to be better than they were to protect our city, especially me with my powers. My brother and I both took fencing classes, martial arts, learn how to shoot, every survival skill in the books before taking boys and girl Royal etiquette classes. Mom was the one who was particularly hard on me and my older brother throughout our childhood. Dad, not so much. He spent a lot of time in meetings in Auradon City. That’s how my first friendships began. He was great friends with King Adam and Queen Belle, elected leaders of Auradon. Ben, their only child was shy around me at first. He was intimidated by my mature stature. He like horses, painting, books, and food. I liked singing, fencing, and dancing but I also had a love for food and books so we got along through those things. We would always talk about the different ingredients in our cultures foods. His French pastries and my Arabian comfort foods. We were an inseparable pair of friends. And then I was introduced to Audrey. She joined our group soon after King Adam and Belle has decided to promise my parents and Audrey’s parents to a trust bond. A promise that would have one of us marry in the future. 9 year old me definitely didn’t want ANYTHING to do with dating my best friend. Neither did Ben. But Audrey, she was so persistent. She would constantly try to grab his attention. She was such a cheeky little girl. Raised to be such a lady compared to my more loose and carefree attitude. Somehow, Ben was happy around her. Our group soon expanded, and I met the greatest person ever. Li Lonnie, my greatest friend ever. Daughter of Fa Mulan and Li Shang, she was like me. Mature, strong, intelligent, and such a beautiful kid. Sure, she didn’t have my hazel eyes but she was such a pretty girl. She spoke so intelligently and when she spoke it was law. She was one of my inspirations as a kid. And still is :)

Time passed and we realized we weren’t kids anymore. My brother had to go away to a school in Auradon. And I was alone soon again. But I had my friends. But my child-like manners went away when I realized it was soon my turn to go to Auradon. So, I ran away. But you’ll hear more about that in the future.

Freshman year of high school. Audrey and Ben has broken off from our group and started dating in High School. Audrey has changed so much. She was such a sweet girl with a big heart but had begun to morph into a self-absorbed teen. Lonnie was still the same kind-hearted best friend. When I arrived in Auradon, I had a familiar face to help me. My cousin, Jordan. Daughter of the Genie. Everyone in that school was so nice that it hurt. My mother had raised me not to believe everything in front of me. But one particular thing or something changed that. A blonde boy with short curly hair and beautiful blue eyes had captured my attention. I still remember when our eyes had locked for the first time in the school courtyard. It was a whole new experience for me. I suddenly felt happy inside. Like a new found confidence in me was discovered. But my cousin Jordan advised me not to approach the boy. Chad Charming, son of Prince Charming and Cinderella. The most popular boy at Auradon Prep. Every girl would fawn over him endlessly. One day I had found a note from him on my lunch tray to meet him in the gardens. I swear we talked for hours about everything. We talked about our dreams, our experiences, our hopes. He made all my dreams happen. I wanted my first date to be at a carnival and he made that happen. I wanted something from the mall and he got it for me. I thought everything with him was just fine. Until that party. Ben had thrown a party for all his friends at Auradon Prep and Chad and I were there. Everyone was drinking except me. Imagine, prestigious kids of Royalty breaking illegal drinking laws. I didn’t know at the time but the punch was spiked heavily with Vodka. I never drank Vodka after that damn party. Jane, the headmistress, Fairy Godmother’s daughter had come to my dorm crying. She kept saying “I can’t take this anymore”. She had gave me the worst news of my life. She had seen Chad take me upstairs while I was drunk and touch me in explicit manners. Essentially, my boyfriend decided to rape me at my best friend’s party. I was sickened by that. And when my family pressed charges and got a restraining order on him, the case ended in a settlement. He didn’t even serve time. Because the judge was a family friend of the Charmings. I was devastated. I cried for weeks. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I just cried. Lonnie visited me every day while I was out of school. She had told me that Chad had moved on and was doing perfectly fine. I was miserable for all of Sophmore year.

By the way, my name is Adri Ababwa and I’m the world’s stupidest masterpiece. But you’ll see why later.

------------------------------------------------------------

“Adri,” My best friend, Ben called out.

My eyes widen, suddenly alarmed from my name being called.

“What’s up?” I say striding over to Ben’s side as he looks out the window of his parlor.

”I spoke with my parents about the proclamation,” Ben says.

I roll my eyes, realizing what’s about to happen.

”I told you your idea was stupid. Your dad would never let you bring Villain kids over-“

”They approved it,” Ben says, stopping me between my sentence.

My eyes widen in disbelief.

“Oh. Oh! I guess that’s good for you I guess,” I say nervously.

Ben takes both of my hands in his.

”Listen, I know things were rough for you last year, but this year we need change in this world. And I’m gonna be the one to establish that change,” Ben says.

”Even if that means bringing the daughters of Maleficent and the Evil Queen and the sons of Cruella de Vil and Jafar to Auradon Prep?” I ask nervously.

”What did I say about that?” Ben asks cheekily.

”They’re not their parents,” I reply in a mumble.

”Right,” Ben says, patting my shoulder. Ben opens his mouth to say something but hesitates.

”What?” I ask.

”That‘s why your going to be my advisor,” Ben says.

I take a step back.

”Your crazy but okay,” I giggle.

Ben chuckles softly and goes to the phone to ask his secretary if Audrey is on her way to the room for her Coronation fitting.

I walk through the door and wish Ben good luck.

As I stride down the hall, I hop onto my sticker filled skateboard and race down the halls. I greet the guards surrounding the castle and slide the down the handlebars of the stairs. I see Audrey and stop to walk the rest of the way.

”Adri! It’s a pleasure to see after so long. Out of your depression, I see,” Audrey says snarkily.

”Sure! I’m fine. And I see your makeup is looking as creased as ever,” I reply in the same fashion.

Audrey huffs and rolls her eyes.

I strut off.

”Fucking bitch,” I mutter to myself, hopping on my skateboard and skating back to my dorm.

As soon as I reach my dorm, Fairy Godmother is standing by my door.

“Can you please give me the board?” Fairy Godmother asks.

”Can’t have any fun around here, can I?” I ask, giving her my board for the fifth time this week

“Not for the first week of school. Remember we have-“

”Press coming in to report on the school, I know Jane told me,” I say at the same time as Fairy Godmother.

“Good. Then I’ll see you soon,” Fairy Godmother says dismissing herself.

I turn around and head for the courtyard where I spot Jordan under our gossip tree.

”What’s new, pinky-Lou?” I ask.

”Hey, cuz. Just doing some newspaper projects. I writing about the secret camera web series of our school and the new kids coming to the Isle,” Jordan says.

”Damn, news does travel fast,” I scoff.

”Ben posted an announcement a couple minutes ago,” Jordan says.

I roll my eyes in disbelief.

“What if one of them is cute? You gonna go for it?” Jordan asks cheekily.

”HELL NO. I am never making the same mistake of opening up to a person ever again,” I yell.

”It’s gonna happen...” Jordan says in a song-like manner.

”Shut the fuck up!” I say.

The night I sneak out of my dorm and go to the kitchens to get a snack for Roxie, my baby tiger.

”Insomnia?” A voice says behind me.

I’m startled by the voice and I turn to see Lonnie standing over the counter.

”Yes, you asshole,” I sigh.

Lonnie laughs silently.

”You know someone’s gonna find out that it’s you recording the videos at lunch,” I say.

”Stop it. That’s top secret,” Lonnie says.

”Who cares? Everyone knows that they’re asshole and dickheads anyways. And your very lucky that I haven’t ratted you out to Jordan. She’s persistent,” I say, grabbing some bacon from the fridge and putting it in a pan

”That’s for Roxie, right?” Lonnie asks.

”Maybe not,” I say.

Lonnie laughs and I take a piece of cooked bacon and put it in my mouth.

I hum softly at the taste.

”Hey. Don’t be afraid to talk to me sometimes. Especially after what I saw,” Lonnie says.

Ah. The thing. After some time in my self-quarantine of Sophmore year, I decided it was time for everything in my life to end. So, I grabbed some pills and I did something I regretted. Lonnie saved my life that day. That’s why I love her so much.

“I know, mama,” I say softly as I cook the rest of the bacon.

”You have no idea how much I care, Adri,” Lonnie says, hugging me from behind me.

”Thats probably why I love when you’re around,” I chuckle.

Lonnie lays her head on my shoulder.

”By the way I signed ya up for the welcoming comitee with Audrey,” Lonnie whispers.

”What!” I yell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later...

Someone starts banging heavily on my door. I open my eyes and the sound in my ears clears.

”ADRI! Wake up! Your late for the Vk’s welcoming,” Audrey screams from behind my door.

Maybe I should have stayed asleep. Damn you, Lonnie.

I put on this:

pin.it/5uiV7hV

And I walked out my door.

“Ben shouldn’t have made you his advisor if you were gonna sleep in,” Audrey says.

”I’m here aren’t I?” I reply.

”Shut up, let’s go,” Audrey says, grabbing my hand and dragging me down the stairs to the courtyard.

Oh god this is gonna be terrible.

Ben sees me and Audrey coming up next to him.

”What happened to you?” Ben asks.

”Slept in,” I mumble.

Ben chuckles and Audrey takes his arm.

”It’s fine by the way, it’s actually the first time in a while,” Ben says.

Fairy Godmother begins to greet everyone in the small group of band kids and cheerleaders until she reaches our trio.

”Ben, Audrey, Adri, how are you?” Fairy Godmother.

“Good,” We all say.

The limo pulls up and the band starts playing. The limo stops and two boys pop out fighting over a scarf.

My eyes glance towards to girls who come out of the other side of the car. One has short plum hair with a plum leather outfit to match. The other girl has long wavy blue hair with two crown braids at the front.

“Why do you want whatever this is?” One of the boys with gray hair says.

”Because you want it,” The other boy in a red beanie says.

Right off the bat you notice who’s who. And the boy in the beanie is definitely Jafar’s son.

“Leave it where you found it! And by that, just leave it.” Fairy Godmother says.

”Just cleaning up!” The boy with the red beanie says.

He puts the scarf back in the limo and his eyes immediately catch mine.

He catches me as I stare at his frame. His brown hair, his dark brown eyes, his muscular form and his leather outfit all catch me off guard.

His frown turns into a smirk and he strides towards me.

”Hello, foxy~ The name’s...Jay,” The boy introduces, attempting to flirt with me.

I laugh softly at his action.

”Your quite the catch aren’t you?” I remark with a smirk.

“Welcome to Auradon Prep,” Fairy Godmother says, stepping between us.

I whisper a little thank you to her and she nods.

”I’m Fairy Godmother, the headmistress,” She curtsies.

”As in, the Fairy Godmother? Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo?” The girl with plum hair asks.

”Bibbidi-Bobbidi, you know it,” Fairy Godmother says.

“Does she ramble like this much?” I ask Ben.

”All the damn time,” Ben says.

We snicker in unison.

Audrey nudges Ben.

”It’s so nice to meet you all. I’m Ben,” Ben introduces.

”Prince Ben. Soon to be King, right Bennyboo?” Audrey interjects.

I fake-vomit at the nickname and roll my eyes.

”You had me at Prince. My mom’s a queen so that makes me a princess,” The blue haired girl says, fawning over Ben.

”The Evil Queen has no Royal status here and neither do you,” Audrey smiles cheekily.

”Yes she does, otherwise Snow White would cease to be Royalty and she is her step-sister,” I comment with a smile.

Audrey raises a brow to stop me and I wink in the girl’s direction. She gives me a smile in return.

”This is Audrey. My-“

”Girlfriend. And future queen,” Audrey says.

”Last but not least, this is Adri. My advisor and my best friend,” Ben says.

”Your new wickedly cool best friend,” I say with a smirk.

”These three are going to show you all around and I’ll see all tomorrow. The doors of wisdom are never shut! Except library hours are 8:00 to 11:00 and you know I have a thing for curfew,” Fairy Godmother says, excusing herself.

”She tends to drag things out of proportion. Don’t mind her,” I say.

Ben chuckles and Audrey nudges his arm.

“It is so, so, so good to finally me... meet you all,” Ben starts as Jay hits his chest with a light punch.

“ This is a momentous occasion, and one that I hope will go down in history... Is that chocolate?” Shaking the gray haired boy’s hand that is covered in chocolate.

”As the day our two peoples began to heal,” Ben finishes.

“Or the day where you showed four peoples where the bathrooms are,” The plum haired girl says.

“A little over the top?” Ben asks her.

”More than a little,” She says.

”So much for my first impression,” Ben says awkwardly.

“You're Maleficent's daughter, aren't you? Yeah, you know what? I totally do not blame you for your mother trying to kill my parents and stuff. Oh, my mom's Aurora. Sleeping...“ Audrey starts.

”Beauty! Yeah I’ve heard the name. You know, I totally do not blame your grandparents for not inviting my mother to their stupid christening,” The girl responds.

”Water under the bridge!” Audrey fakes.

”Totes!” The girl replys in the same tone.

They laugh together pathetically.

“Jeez, can we get this over with?“ I scoff.

” OK. So how about a tour, yeah?“ Ben starts.

We start to move towards the front of the school.

“Auradon Prep was originally built 300 years ago before my father turned it into a high school when he was elected King,” Ben says, clapping his fingers to morph the statue.

The gray haired boy jumps into Jay’s arms.

”Carlos, it’s okay. My father made the statue to remind us that anything is possible,” Ben addresses.

I laugh at the boy’s banter. Jay sees this and drops Carlos to the floor. I can feel him lurking by me as we continue inside the school.

“ So do you guys have magic here? You know, like wands and stuff?” Mal asks.

“All that stuffs pretty much retired. Most of us are just ordinary mortals,” Ben says.

”Unlike me. I was cursed so...” I say clicking my tongue.

”And you happen to be kings and queens?“

“That’s true. Our royal blood goes back hundreds and hundreds of years,“ Audrey says, placing an arm around Ben.

”Doug,” Ben calls Dopey’s son down.

“Doug, will be showing you to your dorms. If you have any questions-“

”Ask Adri or Doug,” Audrey says, whisking him away.

“Um, hey guys. Hi, guys. I'm Dopey's son. As in Dopey, Doc, Bashful, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy, and... Heigh-ho.,” Doug starts, his eyes landing on the blue haired girl.

I take the clipboard from him and read their names.

”Mal Bertha. Evie Grimhilde. Carlos De Vil. Jay Farr,” I read to myself.

I interrupt Doug as he talks about classes.

”I’ll be showing you to your dorms,” I say, walking up one staircase.

”Guys, it’s actually this way,” Doug points towards me as the go in the wrong direction.

They follow me until we stop at their dorm rooms.

”Boys, you have the larger dorm here,” I point.

”Sweet!” Carlos says, hopping inside.

”What’s in it?” Jay asks, me

”Two full size beds, a flat screen tv, mini fridge, 3D printer, gaming console, a bathroom for two, fireplace, and double closet,” I say off the top of my head.

”Thank god, that’s enough to keep them busy for hours,” Mal says.

Me and the girls turn away from their room but someone places a hand on my shoulder.

”Hey, can we talk after?” Jay asks.

”Why?” I ask, raising a brow.

Jay gives me a pleading looks and I roll my eyes, walking away.

”Girls, this is your dorm. With roughly the same things as the boys except a bigger closet and bathroom and no gaming console,” I say.

”This room needs more-“

”Purple? I supposed you would agree. Love your outfit by the way,” I compliment.

”You don’t look to horrible yourself,” Mal smirks.

”I made it by the way,” Evie adds.

“Fashion Designer, huh? You could make some bank with that,” I comment.

Evie smiles.

”If you need anything, I’m the first door down the hall,” I say.

I close the door to the girls dorm and turn to see someone completely unexpected. My smile turns into a frown as I see Chad Charming at the end of the hall. As I try and stride down the hall to Jay and Carlos’s room, his gaze meets mine.

”Well, well. Look who it is. Little miss court case,” Chad says, his lips curving into a smirk.

”Your lucky my restraining order is expired, Charming,” I snark as he draws near to me.

”You know, you’re lucky Ben and Lonnie are friends with you. Otherwise, everyone here wouldn’t give a damn about your little charity case,” Chad says cockily, running a hand through my hair.

My body tenses and my teeth clench as he touches my hair.

“Don’t do that,” I say through my clenched jaw.

”Or what?” Chad says, pinning me against the wall. His frame towering over me.

”You gonna sue me again just so that I could give your pathetic ass more money?” Chad asks.

”Get your fucking hands off of her,” A voice says from behind Chad.

I look over Chad’s shoulder to see Jay standing behind him with a scowl on his face.

I can practically feel my eyes change shape, pleading to Jay to help me.

Chad gets off of me and walks towards Jay confronting him.

”Is that a threat?” Chad asks.

”You gonna punch me if it is, Princey? You know, you probably shouldn’t mess with someone you barely know. I’m sure it’ll have serious consequences,” Jay growls.

Chad backs off, intimidated by Jay.

”Whatever, man,” Chad scoffs, taming a step back.

He turns to me, his smirk returning.

”I’ll see you later, babe,” Chad says, winking at me.

He walks away and I can practically feel the tears coming to my eyes.

”Who the hell does he think he is?” Jay scoffs.

My legs start to move down the hall, trying to get away.

”Hey! Where are you going?” Jay calls behind me.

”Leave me alone!” I choke.

Jay’s footsteps chase after me and he grabs my wrist.

”Stay out of my business and leave me the hell alone,” I say in a serious tone.

”What was that about though? And why do you look like your about to cry in any second?” Jay asks deliberately.

I growl under my breath.

”Because he’s my abusive ex-boyfriend who raped me while I was blacked out at Ben’s party! And now everyone pities the hell out of me and treats me like a child because I tried to commit suicide. Is that what you’re so desperate to get out of me?” I yell.

Jay is taken aback by my words. His brown eyes widen as he looks at me. Searching through my eyes and seeing the pain in them.

”Shit, I’m so sorry. Look, I will never ever do that to you ever again,” Jay says, concerned by my action.

”Listen, don’t make promises you know you can’t keep,” I say.

Jay turns to leave but I grab his wrist.

”You forgot you tell me what you wanted to speak about,” I say with a smirk.

Jay scratches his neck nervously.

”Sorry. I was just so concerned about the way that guy was talking to you that I didn’t even realize,” Jay explains.

I chuckle lightly at his concern. How is he so chill after that? After I just yelled at him?

“I was just wondering if I could learn a little more about you. I mean-since we know a little bit about Ben and Audrey so,” Jay says.

I giggle lightly at his question. Then I hesitate, remembering this is the son of my parent’s enemy. But suddenly, my new found confidence tells me “Fuck it”.

”Well, I’ve lived in Auradon for 3 years. I like Art a lot. And um, I’m the daughter of Aladdin and Jasmine,” I say shyly.

Jay erupts in a light chuckle. My brows furrow at his actions.

”Did I say something wrong?” I ask.

”No, but that does explain everything,” Jay says with a smirk.

”Explain what exactly?” I ask, confused by his action.

”The comebacks, the way you roll your eyes, the outfit, and the way you act around danger. You have that “I really don’t give and shit sometimes attitude”. I’m assuming it’s family trait,” Jay laughs.

I roll my eyes at his banter.

”Sure, dipshit. And you know wanna know what gives you away?” I ask cheekily.

”What?” Jay says, playing along.

”The fact that you prance around me, eyeing me just like your father did to my mother when she was my age,” I say with a smirk.

His eyes widen, catching him off guard.

”And I promise you, your little concerned or flirtatious act isn’t gonna always cut it with me, pretty boy,” I say, tapping his shoulder and turning to leave.

I look behind me and see him smirk behind me as I walk to my dorm.

That boy is gonna keep trying to win me over. And I’m in for the long game...

[fvckyouimaprophet]

☕️+ jkr and the dilemma of whether you can/should/will separate the work from the author, and how etc

First of all, no one owes JKR anything. I hate the notion that by calling out all her issues, we’re not viewing her complexly or acknowledging her humanity.

I don’t think you can separate the art from the artist (nor should you!), but I don’t think it’s wrong to still like it as long as you engage critically and don’t financially support the her. 

I can’t personally turn off my love for Harry Potter. You can call me corny or whatever, but it was formative to who I am and legitimately brought me together with some of my closest friends. I can’t get rid of that.

But I’m also aware that JKR’s prejudices bled into her works. Her racism, anti-semitism, hatred of fat people, transphobia, and other issues all bleed into that work and others she’s created.

It’s not helpful to say that Harry Potter doesn’t have an author. It does, and she’s shitty, and her politics are a part of it. This post explained better than I could. You should be uncomfortable when you read the series and see her descriptions of goblins or of Dudley/Vernon or of house elves. They’re not neutral. They’re biased and hateful. And as much as I wish they weren’t a part of it, they are!

That said, I also believe that art is out of the artists’ hands once someone else consumes it. They don’t get to dictate how anyone engages with their art or what they take away. Harry Potter is such a good example of this. So many people brought other things into Harry Potter or developed an attachment to the fandom and fanon, sometimes even more so than the texts.

Basically, what it comes down to is: be critical, acknowledge that all art has biases (and confront them), don’t elevate or support artists that elevate systems of oppression (within or outside of their art), but you don’t need to force yourself to stop liking something or rewrite history (ie “I never liked that!”) once you know better.

If we’re speaking more broadly about separating the art and the artist, I want to add that I feel more strongly about engaging with art at all when the artist’s issues fully inform their art. Woody Allen’s movies feature so many older artistic men with young women. Aziz Ansari built all his works around the premise that he’s a feminist, ~unlike the other men~. To me, it feels impossible to like anything created by people who revel in, celebrate, or explore the very things that make them horrible people in the works they create.

send me ☕️ + [topic] and i’ll tell you my opinion on it!

[zunair]

In conversation With Madiha Ifthikar

Madiha Ifthikar is a proud daughter of Iftikhar Ahmed and Rehana Iftikhar, born in Islamabad. She started her career at the age of 17, known for her breathtaking acting and lovely smile. Her eye-catching expressions made people hooked to TV screens. She has done quite a several dramas which include: Souteli, Kaise Yeh Junoon, Dil Dard Dhuan, Andata, etc.

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Madiha Ifthikar has work with the renowned actors of her time but now happily married and settled in Dubai.

We recently had a conversation with her and which is as follows:

SP: How are you spending your quarantine? Madiha. Well, we had time to spend with our family, we cook together, eat together, play together, we value the time Allah has given. He has given us the chance to connect with him. We try to do as much for the people as we could( without posting it on social media ;). So I am enjoying my quarantine.

SP: Tell us about your journey in the entertainment industry. Madiha: It was a beautiful journey, most people know how I got into media. I was the luckiest young girl back then who has worked with almost all the senior renowned actors and learned a lot from them. I made amazing friends who are my family now. My fraternity is always there for each other.

SP: One difference you have observed in the entertainment industry after you left. Madiha: That’s a difficult question. When I joined media our seniors use to say their time was the best time now that I am senior I’ll say our time was the best time so I think people change, thinking change, behaviors change according to the period. So I have seen a lot of difference now there’s positive and negative. The only thing I want to see is to be professional and be sincere with your work. SP. What are your favorite new age actors? Madiha. I am not a good person to ask this question as I don’t watch dramas a lot and have very little knowledge about new actors, but recently I like Yumna for her role in Pyar k Sadqay. She has a great margin to act and she is doing justice to it. SP: Any actor of the current era, you want to work with. Madiha: I want to work with all the new actors. Because every actor has it’s own style and character and you get to learn new things and methods. SP: What is your opinion on the streaming of Turkish content? Madiha: This is a good step, I am and was never against the content from other countries. I agree that We should promote our culture and traditions but showing other cultures and that too from the golden era which is giving you awareness about your religion about your forefathers isn’t a harm. Turkish dramas are binge-watching. We should on air such projects which are not based on extramarital affairs, sister enemies, love triangle. We need to see the bigger picture now.’

SP: Where do you see the future of the entertainment industry? Madiha: I was expecting a change of scripts and concepts a little bit, when I came back I was surprised that the new era is also working on the same scripts which we have done many times. There is a different cast but the same story, unfortunately, we are out of stories and no one has the courage to experiment on new stories. We need to come up with different subjects which could help the young generation to be a better person. Life is not about love, revenge, betrayal there’s more to it.

SP: What is your opinion on films currently made in the country? Madiha: I am glad that our film industry is reviving and we get to see Pakistani movies in different countries now. I feel proud at least we are taking small steps to make our film industry run in the whole world, InshAllah.

SP: Who is your inspiration in life?

Madiha: My parents are my biggest inspiration. I’ve seen my parents work selflessly for the betterment of our deaf community. They have started ‘Bolty Hath’ to make normal people communicate easily with differently Abled and they have encouraged them not to take their disability as their weakness but make it their strength. I want to be like my parents one day.

SP: One thing you love/hate about yourself. Madiha: I love that I am very selfless I can’t see anyone in distress. I hate that I expect a lot from the people who are close to me. I should stop expecting to make my life easier. SP: Any regret in life? Madiha: Nt really, I did what I always wanted. I have lived my life the way I pictured when I was young, I got married to the person I love the most. I don’t have any regrets, Allahmdullilah.

SP: Three things about you the world doesn’t know.

Madiha: There’s no such thing that people doesn’t know about me. I am an open book .

SP: The most underrated and overrated drama/film you recently saw. Madiha: Joker was overrated and IT was underrated.

SP: any message to your fans who miss seeing you on screen. Madiha: My fans who are missing me I miss you all too. you can follow me on Instagram:http://www.instagram.com/madihaiftikharofficial.You will not miss me anymore because I’ll be more connected to you there then dramas.

Thank you Madiha for being a great sport through out the interview. Wish you all the best for your future ahead.

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[supercalifragilisaow]

A Suspension of Judgment

Please, if you read, read it all before commenting. I make several points, dependent on one another.

*Something on Morality* 

I’m just curious as to what kinds of relationships those of you who react so extremely have had. Yes, believe victims of abuse. Now, what is abuse for you? My definition of it doesn’t exactly come close to what Arryn’s definition is. I don’t deny this was undeniably the worst for her, and that Bob and Eliza, if this is true, even if only part of it is true, have some apologizing and reckoning to do with their own guilt. But in relationships, if I look at my and my friends, people sometimes yell, sometimes cheat, sometimes say things they regret. Don’t you know anyone whose relationship started as cheating? Because I know several, and while it’s never a good or moral thing to do, it’s out there. People recognize they’re in love with someone else, or they’d be better fit with someone else, and it hurts and it’s hard, but it’s really common, you all. I feel like most of the responses I see don’t make a difference between all the things. You’re ready to cancel two people completely because they cheated and it got ugly? 

I understand that you have to make the distinction between fantasy and what’s fiction and what isn’t, but I ask you to consider how many fanfic you’ve read where Bellarke cheat on their significant other with each other, and that was fine, because of some higher love or soulmate stuff. It’s possible - it perhaps looks this way - that Bob and Arryn had a good relationship but ultimately were not good for each other. They probably had good moments, excellent ones, and then poor ones, the ones she has chosen to describe, because she posted this as a reaction to abuse she got from fans, STILL, and also because she’s rightfully upset at Bob and Eliza. Perhaps she was completely blameless in everything, perhaps she wasn’t perfect either. I’m not saying she deserved it. To me, the abuse she received at the hand of the so-called Bellarke fans is way worse than the abuse she claims she received by her boyfriend at the time. Let me explain. It is horrendous that people did all these things. I don’t know to what extent Bob - with PR expectations from the show binding him, probably - could have really stopped that shit with the “fans”, but it was never ok and these were a bunch of childish assholes. It was constant when they were together, and it was still horrible when they broke things off. Many of them, I’m sure, will now be cancelling Bob and Eliza like they had no part in abusing this woman. The abuse one receives in a relationship, in my opinion, unless it’s really extreme, matters for others (=non-friends and family) to know only if it’s physical violence. The definition of emotional and verbal abuse is really blurry, and I’m certainly not going to cancel someone because they fought with their significant other. It would matter how constant this was, how bad the verbal abuse was. Don’t forget, I did say Bob probably has some serious apologizing to do. But does that make him a terrible man? Not for me. It makes him a flawed one (we knew that already), perhaps one that wants to do better. I know plenty of them, and believe me, there are many others who are terrible enough for all of them. 

 *Educating Men (sadly)*

I don’t think all of what she describes is “abuse”, and it’s my judgment call: there seems to be a good deal of her accepting things and realizing later she’d rather not be with someone like that. I don’t call that abuse. We all grow and realize things after the relationship is done. It’s good she realized all the choices she made to accommodate him. Bob was probably most of the time not like this, or she wouldn’t have stayed with him, and I don’t believe in burning someone at the stake because they’ve had bad days. Yes, I said bad days. Much studies on gender and how society engrains some things in us will tell you cis-men have more tendencies toward anger and toward expressing that anger explicitly than cis-women, because of the way we are treated differently as children. This is something cis-men who recognize that fact have to unlearn, and it is as difficult as unlearning anything. Unfortunately, it falls on some of us to educate these cis-men in a slow, painful process. Perhaps Eliza will be reaping the rewards of what went badly with Arryn. Don’t you know other relationships where that happened? I know several.

I find this situation similar to the Aziz Ansari case. Did he sound like a bit of a creepy man who you wouldn’t go on a second date with, who wasn’t a good listener and who took advantage of his fame to try and get dates with women? Definitely. Is he a disgusting pervert doubled with a serial sexual harasser and assaulter who should be cancelled like Weinstein? I don’t think so. If he’s learning now, if he’ll be better, then that’s fine by me. I’m sorry for the women who have to educate these cis-men. Fuck that noise, but it’s the life of post me too and post mainstream feminism. Not a bland “believe all victims, cancel all the accused”. 

*What could be public in all this*

The biphobia is bad. People start off in life with prejudices, as you know. I’m a person who learned and grew from prejudices and right wing upbringing to become what would be qualified here as radical left. Perhaps Bob learned after a few years. (Perhap he didn’t) The world is not the same now as it was even 5 years ago, in cultural, social terms, especially in LGBTQ terms. We all have to unlearn prejudices. I’d like to see Bob apologize for that at least, or address it in some way. The calling her pathetic is bad, I guess, but I’ve been called names too during fights, and I don’t consider myself abused. Perhaps she does, and I don’t blame her for that. I do blame anyone who’ll make this all in all private matter very public, and ruin lives for this. I’m sure the damage done to Arryn would have been much less if the fans had behaved like normal persons in the first place. It would just have been some deplorable drama that happens in life sometimes. She’ll find someone better for her. She’ll have boundaries that she didn’t before, about what she won’t or will do for or because of a partner. The gaslighting is bad, but nothing I haven’t heard of before when relationships go astray. Denying feelings (not ready to accept them, not wanting to lose her, who the hell knows why, for sure not us), meeting up in secret. Perhaps Bob and Arryn had both decided to move while he was in Vancouver so yes, she did everything like *women often do*, but perhaps he hadn’t decided to leave her yet, perhaps he wasn’t sure where this was going. People make mistakes, sometimes repeatedly. But for the love of ***, what is private and what is public??

It’s good for all of you to expect perfection of yourselves and of your partners. Sounds like you have great relationships (sometimes they become less good, too, none of what Arryn writes explains whether this was bad from the start or became bad): I’m just empathic of what goes on behind the scenes, and compassionate as to what brings people to do the things they do. It’s not our call to excuse or condemn anyone. If Arryn were my friend and she told me about all this, I’d support her 100% and call the guy an asshole, which would be deserved. As it is, she is not my friend, and i’m sick of this culture where this has to mean immediate cancellation for the persons involved just because they’re “celebrities”. You’re not a pervert or an evil person because you cheat. You’ve chosen to hurt someone and you deal with the private consequences of that (guilt, losing friends, etc) I’ve had friends (and I suspect a parent) who have cheated, and some who have been cheated on. I still think Bob is neither a bad nor a great person. So is Eliza, probably. They’d need to do way more for me to condemn them (like, politically, or, like I said before, an accusation of domestic violence or of actual gaslighting). As it is, it looks like a private matter taken public (again, only because fans have gotten involved in the very first place in HORRIBLE and ABUSIVE ways). I’m not mixing everything up. Arryn is not my friend and Bob and Eliza are not my friends; I don’t know these people. I don’t feel worse about them than I did before this came out, and I hope Arryn finds a way to heal from this. If it helps her to call his behavior abusive, and what Eliza and him did gaslighting, very well. But what followed seems a bit intense and out of proportion for me. I hope some of you agree. Let’s not forget: there are two sides to a story, there are many ways to live, there are many things to learn. 

Thanks for reading. 

[lastsonlost]

Aziz? redemption ?

AZIZ DIDN’T FUCKING DO ANY GOD DAMN THING WRONG!!!!!!

God, I love being white,” said Louis C.K.

“Here’s how great it is to be white,” the comedian went on: “I could get in a time machine, and go to any time, and it would be fucking awesome when I get there. That is exclusively a white privilege.”

The bit, part of his 2008 special Chewed Up, was emblematic of C.K.’s approach: poking fun at the inequalities of American society, while simultaneously acknowledging the ways they benefited him.

Contrast that with a set he performed in December 2018, a little over a year after he admitted to masturbating in front of women without their consent. During the December appearance, apparently at a comedy club on Long Island, C.K. joked that Asian men are “all women” and poked fun at school shooting survivors and gender-nonconforming teenagers, according to BuzzFeed News.

“They tell you what to call them,” he complained of teens who use the pronouns they/them. “Oh, OK. You should address me as ‘there’ because I identify as a location. And the location is your mother’s cunt.”

Imagine thinking the best way to resurrect your career after admitting to sexual misconduct is to mock trans people and Parkland gun violence survivors.

2018, during which his standup special and the wide release of his film I Love You, Daddy were canceled, seems to have wrought a change in C.K. Where once his comedy offered a fresh look at established power structures, he now seems set on ranting about kids today and their pronoun choices.

Fellow comedian Aziz Ansari has followed a similar trajectory. He once decried sexual harassment in his act — and addressed the issue in a nuanced way on his show Master of None. But in 2017, a woman told the website Babe.net that he had pressured her for sex — Ansari said he had believed everything that happened between them was “completely consensual,” and that he was “surprised and concerned” by her account. 

After the incident, his comedy took on a different tone: In a fall 2018 appearance, he made fun of online debates about cultural appropriation and complained that nowadays, “everyone weighs in on everything,” according to the New Yorker.

The bigotry in C.K.’s set is disturbing, especially coming from someone who seemed at one time to have a relatively clear understanding of how power works in America. But what is also striking about C.K. and Ansari’s post-#MeToo material is its banality. Before they were publicly accused, these men wrestled with thorny questions of identity and power in ways that, while not always satisfying, were usually thought-provoking. After the allegations, they began parroting tired complaints about political correctness.

Of the many people accused of sexual misconduct as part of the #MeToo movement, C.K. and Ansari seemed like they might be uniquely equipped to reckon with the allegations against them, perhaps even adding something to the public conversation around #MeToo. Instead, they have retreated into boring and offensive stereotypes, perhaps playing to those who never thought they did anything wrong.

We’re all worse off for their decision, missing out on the art C.K. and Ansari might have created if they’d been willing to really face their accusations, and robbed of the opportunity to see two intelligent and thoughtful men really wrestle with the implications of #MeToo. In a time when more and more of the accused mull their comebacks, it’s natural to wonder what real redemption — complete with an acknowledgment of harm and a commitment to atonement — might look like. Apparently, Louis C.K. and Aziz Ansari will not be the ones to show us.

Louis C.K. used to talk about violence against women. Now he makes fun of genderqueer teens.

Before #MeToo, Louis C.K. was beloved by many for his often self-lacerating comedy. In his standup and on the autobiographical FX show Louie, he portrayed himself as a sad-sack weirdo disturbed by his own sexual urges — he once called himself a “prisoner” of “sexual perversion.”

C.K.’s work could be offensive, as when he complained that he missed being able to use a homophobic slur (and claimed, unconvincingly, that the way he used it had nothing to do with homophobia). But some hailed his comedy as feminist, and he showed a remarkable ability to mine humor from the dangers and biases women face — a difficult feat for a male comic.

“How do women still go out with guys when you consider that there is no greater threat to women than men?” he asked in a 2013 special. “We’re the number one threat to women! Globally and historically, we’re the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women.”

But C.K. was also the subject of long-simmering sexual misconduct rumors — and in November 2017, four women told the New York Times that he had masturbated in front of them or asked them to watch him masturbate (a fifth said that he masturbated while on a phone call with her).

In a move that remains unusual among men accused as part of #MeToo, C.K. admitted to the allegations against him. “These stories are true,” he said in a statement to the New York Times.

“I have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying anything I want,” he added. “I will now step back and take a long time to listen.”

But as many have pointed out, the listening didn’t last very long. C.K. was back onstage in September 2018, less than a year after his pledge to step back. In an October appearance at the West Side Comedy Club in New York, he addressed the fallout from his sexual misconduct revelations, saying he’d been to “hell and back” and that he’d “lost $35 million in an hour.”

While many were critical of C.K.’s comeback attempt, West Side Comedy Club host AMarie Castillo told the comedy website LaughSpin that the comic “was so genuine and reflected on how weird his year was” in his October appearance. “Sounds to me he is owning up, acknowledging, and trying to figure it out,” she said.

But in a December set, he didn’t sound much like someone trying to figure anything out. In audio posted on YouTube, apparently from an appearance at the Governor’s Comedy Club on Long Island on December 16, C.K. poked fun at gender-nonconforming youth, Parkland school shooting survivors, and Asian men, among other groups. (The club was unable to confirm to BuzzFeed that C.K. was there that night, though multiple people posted on Instagram that they had seen him perform there.)

“You know why Asian guys have small dicks,” he said at one point, according to Patrick Smith and Amber Jamieson of BuzzFeed. “’Cause they’re women. They’re not dudes. They’re all women. All Asians are women.”

C.K. also said he thought it was ridiculous that the term “retarded” was now viewed as inappropriate, Smith and Jamieson reported. When some listeners appeared shocked, he responded, “Fuck it, what are you going to take away, my birthday? My life is over, I don’t give a shit.”

C.K. has not responded to a request for comment from Vox.

Aziz Ansari once included a sexual harassment storyline on his show. Now he’s complaining about Twitter outrage.

Ansari’s comedy has always been more lighthearted than C.K.’s, but he hasn’t shied away from difficult topics. In a 2015 Netflix special filmed at New York’s Madison Square Garden, he asked women in the audience to raise their hands if they’d ever been followed by a “creepy dude,” according to Eren Orbey at the New Yorker.

“Yeah, that’s way too many people,” he said when hands went up. “That should not be happening.”

The second season of his Netflix show, Master of None, also included a storyline about sexual misconduct. Ansari’s character, Dev, teams up with celebrity chef Jeff Pastore (Bobby Cannavale) for a show called Best Food Friends. But Dev is forced to make a choice when a female crew member reveals that Chef Jeff repeatedly harassed her. The episode, which aired before #MeToo gained steam in fall 2017, felt true to life, as Isha Aran pointed out at Splinter, “from the fears victims face in going public to the misogynist skepticism they’re met with when they share their stories.”

But in January 2018, a woman going by the name Grace told the website Babe.net that Ansari had repeatedly pressured her for sex while the two were on a date. She called it “by far the worst experience with a man I’ve ever had.”

“We went out to dinner, and afterwards we ended up engaging in sexual activity, which by all indications was completely consensual,” Ansari said in a statement on the allegations last January. “The next day, I got a text from her saying that although ‘it may have seemed okay,’ upon further reflection, she felt uncomfortable. It was true that everything did seem okay to me, so when I heard that it was not the case for her, I was surprised and concerned.”

“I continue to support the movement that is happening in our culture,” Ansari concluded, presumably referring to #MeToo. “It is necessary and long overdue.”

By fall 2018, however, his tone sounded different. In a Connecticut stop on his “Working Out New Material” comeback tour, he complained about Twitter users debating whether a teenager’s prom dress constituted cultural appropriation, according to Orbey.

“Everyone weighs in on everything,” he said. “They don’t know anything. People don’t wanna just say, ‘I don’t know.’”

He also decried “the destructive performativity of Internet activism and the fickle, ever-changing standards of political correctness,” according to Orbey. He compared left-wing Twitter users to Trump supporters (“at least with the Trump people,” he said, “I kinda know where they stand”) and accused them of competing with one another in a game of “Progressive Candy Crush.”

“One might have hoped that, nearly a year later, [Ansari] could find a way to reckon with one of the movement’s messiest lessons: that even men who wish to serve as allies of women can, intentionally or not, hurt them in private,” Orbey wrote. “Instead, like other men who have reëmerged in recent months, he seems to have channelled his experience into a diffuse bitterness.”

Ansari has not responded to Vox’s request for comment.

If C.K. and Ansari can’t reckon with the allegations against them, can anyone?

Allegations of sexual misconduct against C.K. and Ansari hit fans hard in part because of the thoughtful nature of their comedy — these were supposed to be the good guys.

The accusations prompted fans and critics to reevaluate both men’s work. At Splinter, Aran notes that despite its sexual harassment storyline, Master of None’s second season displays some underlying misogyny. Dev’s relationship with love interest Francesca, in particular, sends the message “that a woman’s initial reluctance can be chipped away at, that indifference is a wall to be torn down.”

C.K., meanwhile, had been telling masturbation jokes for years. As Melena Ryzik, Cara Buckley, and Jodi Kantor reported at the New York Times, “he rose to fame in part by appearing to be candid about his flaws and sexual hang-ups, discussing and miming masturbation extensively in his act — an exaggerated riff that some of the women feel may have served as a cover for real misconduct.” His film I Love You, Daddy, which was initially scheduled for release in November 2017, dealt with a relationship between a famous filmmaker and a 17-year-old girl.

And C.K.’s December set does recall some of his earlier work — the man who complained about teens today and their pronouns is clearly the same one, for instance, who expressed nostalgia for a time when he could use homophobic slurs without being criticized.

Still, C.K. and Ansari were somewhat unusual as male entertainers willing to delve into issues of power and privilege and talk about the ways men hurt women.

That’s what makes their current material so surprising. Ansari and C.K. aren’t just avoiding the subject of #MeToo — they’re going in the opposite direction, complaining about political correctness and outrage culture when their comedy once sent the message that women were absolutely right to be outraged.

Their new work is reactionary — crude jokes about Asian men wouldn’t be out of place at a Trump rally — and it’s dated. C.K.’s complaints about they/them pronouns aren’t just offensive; they’re also tired, well-worn platitudes parroted by everyone from psychologist Jordan Peterson to TV host Piers Morgan. C.K. may think his new material is edgy, but his rant about young people today sounds like it could come from Grandpa Simpson.

Some have speculated that C.K. is consciously courting a more right-leaning audience with his new material after losing the trust of his previous fans, and it’s certainly possible that he and Ansari are pivoting to please the people who were eager to explain away the allegations against them — those who think sexual misconduct only matters if it rises to the level of the allegations against Harvey Weinstein, or who believe that men who are accused deserve swift and unconditional forgiveness.

Whatever the case, the trajectories of C.K. and Ansari are doubly disappointing — first, because men whose work had a feminist bent were accused of hurting women, and second, because they let those accusations destroy the nuanced social awareness their earlier work displayed. Apparently, C.K. and Ansari were only interested in challenging the status quo when they remained unchallenged — once women spoke out against them, they performed the comedic equivalent of packing up their toys and going home.

That’s sad for all of us. We don’t get to see the comedy these men could have created if they’d wanted to face, rather than flee from, our current moment in history. And we don’t get to see two thoughtful entertainers bring their talents to bear on a project that matters to all of us — figuring out what it should look like for men accused as part of #MeToo to apologize, atone, and move forward.

Ever since the #MeToo movement gained mainstream attention in 2017, there’s been a lot of talk about what accused men can do to redeem themselves. Now, more than a year in, it’s certainly possible to imagine some of the accused truly reckoning with their pasts — Dan Harmon’s apology for sexually harassing a writer on his show offers a view of what that might look like. But it’s hard to hold out much hope for such a reckoning on a large scale when two men who seemed like they, of all people, might be able to look deeply at their own behavior have instead chosen to pander to those who would excuse them.

______________________

AZIZ DIDN’T FUCKING DO ANY GOD DAMN THING WRONG!!!!!!

[nobodysuspectsthebutterfly]

Gosh, I never did post my con report for Ice and Fire Con, did I? Well, 3 weeks past, but hopefully not too late...

4/26, Thursday evening: Arrived in Columbus airport. While packing my big-ass suitcase for the con Wednesday night Thursday morning, I realized my white makeup had somehow disappeared, but I looked up a Party City in a Columbus suburb that had some. (Didn’t have time to go shopping on my way to the Chicago airport.) So, having figured that I could rent a car for the whole weekend for less than the price of a Lyft from the airport to the lodge, I did so, found that shop, bought that makeup, and had a lovely drive to Deer Creek State Park. Approaching the park, I found the name was very accurate, as a deer was crossing the road on the way there, in a very stupid way. “Should I jump the fence? Or go back in the road and wander everywhere? Durhurhur!” Finally he got a clue and I moved on, only for another car to zoom around me like I was standing still. That’s how you get deer through your windshield, son.

But anyway, got to Deer Creek Lodge by 9ish, got my room and registered and all, and started seeing people I’d met last year. Chloe (@liesandarbor) and Emmett (@poorquentyn) and Wendy (@wendynerdwrites) and Jim (@warsofasoiaf) and all, as well as others who I don’t think have tumblrs (or I don’t know them) but are excellent folk. And I heard there was an unofficial party that night, thrown at the cabin of the Chicago boys (who I don’t know actually), same as last year, so I headed down that way. This year the party was in support of one of their fellows who’s getting married, a Stag and Doe party, with raffle tickets and games, so it was extra fun, besides the drinking and all. :)

Picked up a raffle package that included a blue rose flower crown, and had a moment when I met Tara (@ageeksaga) and she thought I was Wendy, lol. I was like, nope, sorry, I’m the other short brunette Jewish fandom fave from tumblr who’s dating a guy named Jim. (And who sometimes wears blue rose flower crowns.) She was tired, it’s hard getting this con ready, I didn’t blame her at all, but lol. :)  Also at the party was Michael (@1000eyesandone) and his wife Adrienne, who are awesome people who I met at last year’s con, and ended up hanging around a lot with this year. Anyway, after a night of drinks and meeting people and drinking and chatting and drinking and games and drinking and winning tickets and putting them in the raffle prize choices (there were many cool prizes but only a few that I really wanted so I put most of my tickets in those), they had the raffle, about 1am I think, and I won a prize! Woo, chocolate and popcorn and bath bombs and other relaxing things. And then I was tired so walked back to the lodge with a bunch of other people, did a tiny tumblr update, and collapsed into bed.

4/27, Friday: The con officially opened today, and I got up late but made it to the second half of the ice breaker opening thing. They had the bingo where you’re supposed to find people who meet the qualifications for the bingo square (newbie to @iceandfirecon, newbie to cons in general, prefer direwolves to dragons or vice versa, have a particular fave house, are a shipper - I volunteered a lot for that one, and so on), and also that game where you have a name on your forehead and you have to guess who it is (I was Janos Slynt, joy), and I met some very neat people. Then I went down by the lake (or creek, I guess?) for my picture with a wolf! And here, some more pictures:

Logan is such a good boy. :)

Caught lunch with Wendy and Jim and Michael and Adrienne, then I went to the Q&A panel given by the Ironwood Wolves people, where they talked about the education work they do with their ambassador wolves, and what wolf behavior is like, and all that interesting stuff (watch the video, there’s a sweet sleepy wolf in it). Got some pictures of the lake, went to the History of Westeros meetup for a bit (I have a processing thing with podcasts so I can’t listen to them, but Ashaya and Aziz are the most excellent people), and soon it was time for the @asoiafuniversity meetup panel with me and Emmett.

Alas, we were up against Quiplash in the big conference room, and I don’t think the schedule was that clear unfortunately, so we didn’t have many people showing. (Unlike last year where we got a pretty good crowd!) But for those who did come, we explained what we do, and discussed some meta topics, and it was really nice. Then I caught the end of Quiplash, which is kind of a Cards Against Humanity -type online party game where you write the answers and the audience votes... well, it’s fun, and I got to be in the last answer panel, and even had an answer some people liked. :)

Went over to the vendor room and saw so many gorgeous things, ASOIAF art and statuettes and cloaks and such, but the only thing I bought was butterfly fairy wing earrings. (Which I think takes my number of butterfly earrings up to... 10 maybe? I have a lot.) Then as it was starting to get dark I went back to my room and got ready for Shabbos (had the room key situation arranged with the hotel staff, since my Jim wasn’t at the con), and then... it was time for IaFcon’s first musical!

Inspired by the awesome performance of Tara and Brian last year in D&D’s “You’re Welcome”, this year the crew put on WESTEROS, a tribute/parody of Hamilton. And oh my gosh it was sooo good. You should watch it, honest. (@draganchitsa, I spent half the time thinking of you.) Of course the costumes and casting were excellent, and there were some truly fantastic lines, all telling the KL story from the start of AGOT to the Battle of the Blackwater... Including one last song for the shippers among us, heehee, oh gosh I was covering my face and blushing the whole time. :) :) :)

Then dinner with Wendy and Jim and Emmett, then back to the con room for karaoke. :D  As it was Shabbos I didn’t perform myself (didn’t want to deal with not using the mic and stuff), but I sang along with everybody, including when Michael did Head Like a Hole to the music of Call Me Maybe, which was hilarious. ;) That ended about midnight, and I headed back for sleep, as big day Saturday... or should I call it... Weirwood Day!

4/28, Saturday: Got up early(-ish) to get my weirwood tree costume ready. :) My makeup, since I’m not that often a cosplayer (like almost never), took a while (took forever, didn’t get to two panels I wanted to see, thankfully they’re on youtube now), and I had a panel I was actually on at 1pm and I still hadn’t put the bloody tears on at almost 12:30... So I dressed up and wigged up and leafed up, and headed out, got stopped on the way for a picture, got to the panel just a wee bit late... but still, it was an excellent panel, all about the animal symbolism in ASOIAF, lots of discussion of direwolves and how they interrelate to the Stark kids; as well as other houses, dragons, lions, krakens, bears, birds, trout... all that sort of thing. The panel’s up here on youtube if you want to see me as a white-and-red dorkus talking about direwolves. :)

Then there was the tourney, outside, which looked awesome, but it was coooold out and I still wasn’t quite done with my costume, so I went back to my room and had lunch and got finished up (occasionally glancing out the window since my lodge room had a tiny corner of a view of the tourney field), and finally... finally I was ready. :D 

Headed toward the con rooms with a big backpack full of art books for my panel (that was going to be after the costume parade, and I so didn’t want to go back and forth), as well as my bag full of ravens. :D   On the way, had a selfie with Ashaya (@buskerlenny), who had an excellent Danelle Lothston costume. Made it in time to catch the end of Emmett and Silas’s panel on Lovecraft Mythos and ASOIAF, listening while I checked that my leaves and ravens were all arranged properly. (Next time safety pins maybe?) And soon other cosplayers started coming in, including the lovely older lady who was such a perfect Old Nan last year -- this year she was the Ghost of High Heart, with a weirwood-print dress, and she was delighted to see me. :D  She had a photo taken with her sitting and me standing (as a tree) behind her, which I haven’t seen but hope shows up one of these days, it should be so neat.

And then the costume parade! So many amazing costumes, so much fun. While we were waiting to line up, I actually started tearing up (because of my contacts, eyeliner, mascara, god knows), but consensus among those who looked at me that it really didn’t hurt my makeup much and really fit the crying-tree look? so hey. :)  Last year in the parade people stopped to do performances, but this year they separated out the performances till after the parade (and the voting only for that), so it moved pretty quickly. But I got a lot of applause for my weirwood, especially when I lifted up my “branches” with the ravens on them. And I heard someone say that if they had been doing voting, I probably would have won, which is really really nice. :D :D :D

Then I sat down for the performances, and oh my gosh. There was a Rohanne vs. Dunk rap battle (with shoutout to Jaime/Brienne lol), a Brienne vs bear fight (set to the Bear and the Maiden Fair of course), Chloe did a parody of Free Fallin’ (with Lyanna and Ashara themes *wince*), and there was Michael as Tom O’Sevens singing Edmure’s Floppy Fish song that had everybody lol’ing... but the room went dead quiet in awe for Septon Meribald’s Broken Man speech. Damn. (And yeah, I cried some more.)

Group photo time!

All these amazing people. :) I’m kind of easy to find, though, lol.

And then there was my and Ashaya’s panel on the history of ASOIAF fanart, also with artists @sanrixian and @palewhiterabbit. It went really well, I think, lots of cool info... I brought my Art of Ice and Fire books, the D&E graphic novels, and some @kallielef and bubug prints (also one of @chaouenmadrid’s sansan books), Ashaya had Draw ‘Em With the Pointy End and another art book... but alas, we were up against the trivia contest in the big conference room, so again not that much of a crowd. (Someone asked me if I was cross-scheduled because Emmett and Wendy and I won trivia last year, idk lol, other people won too.) But anyway, the people who were there for the panel seemed to like it a lot -- not sure if it was filmed, but if it was I’ll put up the video eventually. Or maybe I could write down my mental notes, if you like.

Afterwards, I headed back to my room for dinner, and when Shabbos was over I took a few selfies (including some duckfaces for Kelly Sue DeConnick, whose costume inspired mine), and then washed up. Because party time!

(me and Wendy, at the party - I’m wearing little bird earrings and this tshirt)

I have few mental notes for the Flea Bottom Fete, alas. Just that it was a hell of a lot of fun, tons of great music (having a convo in the hallway, “oh wait this is my song, gotta dance”), people’s party cosplays were hilarious -- I recall Michael’s punk Bloodraven, there was a group of sexy Greyjoys, Tara had party Cersei, a bunch of girls came with a Qarth dress theme, and of course there was stripper RobbWind... and, well, there was a bar. :)  (And also someone brought macarons, nom nom nom.)

4/29, Sunday: I had to check out by noon. I had a panel to give at noon. I managed to get packed up, check out, put my suitcase in the car, and make it on time for this panel, coffee’d up and everything. I consider that a grand success. And then in the very excellent panel (on GRRM’s many other works, with me and Aziz and Amin Javadi and one of the con volunteers I didn’t catch his name augh), I managed to actually sell a few people on reading Wild Cards, I think. Truly a success. :D  And then the closing ceremonies were lovely -- and the wolf puppy from the photos that were taken Sunday even came, oh my gosh he was so cute... but sigh, alas the con was over for me.

I’d left a note on the Facebook group that I’d rented a car and could take up to 3 people back to the airport for an afternoon flight, and a few girls had contacted me that morning to take me up on the offer. So that was a nice trip. :) Returned the rental easy, caught my short flight easy, and was back in Chicago by Sunday evening to watch Avengers and get dinner with my @jimintomystery. A lovely weekend, full of ASOIAF and friends and fun, I truly hope to do it again next year!

(goddamn, this is long. no wonder I never properly wrote up last year’s con report...)

[bisluthq]

Do people even give a shit about twitter anymore? People are being cancelled 24/7 there. These same twitter activists were simping over Zoe for 3 months straight because she’s genuinely sexy but are now cancelling her for some comments she made? Zendaya is the sweetheart rn and probably will soon be getting cancelled when someone finds old screenshots of her doing something problematic like why are we doing all this? I don’t get the point because everyone has don’t something wrong in their lives when they were younger and didn’t know better these twitter people just wanna hate they aren’t perfect themselves just so jobless

I think one can have nuanced convos right about public behavior and social norms and shit that’s problematic. I do think there’s value to that because it can help us to grow and be better people.

Aziz - who again self cancelled for a while - has spoken about the reckoning he had with himself post the Babe article because like… he’d badly misread that right and he wasn’t wanting to deny her experience but he hadn’t like known he’d fucked up that badly. There is value to discussing what Aziz did because so much of it was fucked up: approaching a younger person as someone rich and famous and taking her on a date that’s expensive af for her and then sorta calling it off like you’d just bought sex, not getting vocal affirmative consent for shit that’s objectively a bit weird (the hand in her mouth thing), not picking up the signs that if she’s asking you to stop every little while maybe just order her an Uber, etc. Him not knowing he did stuff wrong at first is also a valuable conversation because that’s legit toxic masculinity and patriarchy like he just… didn’t know this was shit he had to check on and I’m sure many NICE MEN don’t either.

But is Aziz a rapist or deserving of like never working again because he was a bad date and a shitty lay? No.

Would this be relevant in a conversation about idk his takes on some random issue? Also no.

I think we could discuss Zoë and Jaden and why she thought that was cute and funny and why no one batted an eye and all that but like let’s not make her out to be a racist pedophile or something. The point is jokes like that aren’t cute and funny man.

[turnabouttoothbrush]

Reckoning, Chapter Eleven

Today’s sporkers: Fallen, Aziz, and Cade again.

Cade: Hey! No fair!

(Excuse me.)

Fallen: So you were in the last Reckoning sporking. Aziz and I were in the last sporking in general.

Cade: Yeah, yeah...

Aziz: ...why does it feel like it’s been forever since we last updated?

Fallen: Because it has. ...well, to be fair, we’ve been really busy!

Aziz: We really should update our askblog sometime this week...

Fallen: I think at this point our followers are used to there only being one update every six months!

Cade: That’s not a good thing.

Rating: M

Cade: Fuck me.

Aziz: No.

"What? Tell me what?" Axel asked, reaching out and grasping my chin, lifting it lightly until I looked at him.

"I… I don't know exactly," I said, calming a little when I looked at his face, "but whenever I'm not around you, I think about you all the time… when you're close by, I feel happy, when Luxord hurt you… I couldn't stand it, I tried to be quiet so you wouldn't get hurt, but…" I said breaking down. I had to pause and look away for a moment before I could get my composition back. "When I thought you'd died… I… " I said, looking at him again, shaking as fresh tears started streaming as I looked into his widened eyes.

"Roxas…" He whispered, gripping my shoulder, bringing me closer to him, extremely slowly so I could get away if I wanted to. "Roxas," Axel whispered again when his lips were nearly touching mine. I still didn't pull away. Then, he slipped his hand to the back of my neck and pulled me toward him until my lips met his. I shivered at the initial contact before allowing him to kiss me. It calmed me a lot.

"Is that love?" I asked, pulling back a little when he paused.

Axel smiled up at me. "That, or something like it."

Fallen: I am now realizing that, last chapter, you missed the chance to post

Cade: The line here is “Is that love?” not “What is love?”

Aziz: Close enough.

Cade: You’re right, and anyway it’s a good song.

Fallen: Shame on you and Silverpelt and Hawksky!

Aziz: It’s always shame on those two anyway...

It took about a week of being in the hospital, before Axel had nearly fully recuperated.

Cade: Hope he has good insurance.

Fallen: He’s blackmailing the hospital staff, remember? They’ll probably just write him off.

Aziz: Or else he’ll just toss the bill in the trash when it gets sent three months later, the hospital has no real way to collect and I don’t think a gang leader’s gonna care about wrecking his credit score. Anyway, wasn’t he just shot? Generally they don’t keep you in the hospital that long.

Fallen: To be fair, it wasn’t specified what kind of damage it did or if there were any complications. If it were just soft tissue damage only, no vascular injuries, bone not hit, no complications etc. he should have been discharged days ago but staying a whole week over a gunshot wound is totally plausible.

Aziz: Hang on, I found a study.

The average length of hospital stay in days varied according to the type of injury sustained by patients. Forty-three out of 97 (44.3%) patients with soft tissue injuries only were discharged on the day of admission, most of which underwent non-operative treatment. The average length of hospital stay for soft tissue injuries without vascular damage was 1.2 days (range 0–10). Patients who sustained bony injuries along with soft tissue injuries average length of hospital stay was 7.1 days (range 0–88). The average length of stay for patients who sustained vascular injuries along with other soft tissue injuries was 11.7 days (range 0–24). Those injuries that included a combination of vascular, bony and soft tissue injuries stayed for an average 17.0 days (range 0–35, 0 = died same day of admission). Patients who sustained multiple organ injuries had hospital stays at an average of 13.5 days (range 2–33).

Fallen: So I guess, most likely, Axel had soft tissue and bone damage, but no vascular injuries...

Cade: Girls, please don’t kid yourselves about the author actually thinking this through. We all know they didn’t. Anyway, let’s get back to the fic.

During his hospital stay, I had stayed close to him the entire time much like he had done for me when I'd been in the hospital. I even stayed when Demyx and Zexion visited, declining leaving with them afterwards. Once they'd left, I told Axel everything that had happened to me, from the kidnapping to discovering my mother. I didn't bother recounting the rape. Axel already knew every detail.

Aziz: And Roxas is very casual about it.

"Oh, Roxas," Axel said sadly, gripping my hand once I'd finished. "I can't believe that your dad made you look at your mom like that. I can't even imagine… I'm so sorry. God you've been through so much…"

I glowered at him. I wouldn't stand for him pitying me. "Didn't I tell you last time we were in a hospital not to pity me?" I asked.

"I'm sorry, Rox." Axel said apologetically.

Fallen: Uh, there’s a big difference between pity and being sympathetic and trying to empathize when your boyfriend has something traumatic happen to him. You don’t need to dismiss that concern out of hand?

Cade: Also, Roxas throwing a fit about being pitied makes noooo sense considering how much time he spends flaunting his twagic backstory.

I looked at Axel studiously for a moment. He looked like he meant it, so I forgave him.

"Roxas," Axel said gently, gripping my hand after I'd gone silent for a few minutes. I gave him my full attention when he squeezed my hand. "Can I give your mom a proper funeral? Would that be okay with you?" he asked. I felt the familiar sting of oncoming tears.

"Why would you want to do that?" I asked.

Aziz: Because not everyone’s a heartless sociopath like you are?

Fallen: I think at this point Axel has more respect for the dead than the living.

I still hadn't even given him a proper answer about giving him a chance. I mean… sure I'd admitted feelings for him, but that still wasn't an official answer.

"Because, Roxas," he said, grimacing slightly as he sat up to get closer to me, "she deserves it," he said wiping away the tears that had formed at the corners of my eyes.

Cade: *as Axel* Gotta pay respects to the pussy that popped out my favorite bitch so far.

"And she meant a lot to you, didn't she?" he asked, smiling when I nodded.

"Okay," I said.

Aziz: *as Axel* So, you good with cremation?

Fallen: *as Roxas* Why, you got coupons or something?

Aziz: *as Axel* Or something.

Almost two weeks later, once all of the preparations had been made and he had been released from the hospital,

Cade: You just said that after a week Axel was “nearly fully recuperated”. How did he stay there for a full week after that?

Fallen: Freaking malingerers! A drain on resources!!

Axel held a funeral for my mother. I'd managed to find a photo of her to put on the casket in a dusty frame when we'd gone back to my house to get her body. I never did hear what happened to my father's corpse. Perhaps it was just buried somewhere, since there was no family to claim it. I really didn't care.

Aziz: lol, of course you didn’t.

"Axel," I whispered, gripping his hand at the funeral. They were just beginning to lower the casket into the ground next to a lovely gravestone Axel had helped me pick out.

"Hmm?" he asked.

"Thank you," I said, throwing the rose that I'd been holding in my other hand onto my mother's casket just before it was swallowed up into the ground and hidden from view. Axel just nodded.

Cade: *as Axel* So, now that this part of your tragic backstory has been resolved... I don’t have to hear about it anymore, right?

Aziz: If I remember correctly, Roxas’ mom literally doesn’t come up again after this.

Cade: Of course she doesn’t.

We stood there until we were the last ones at the gravesite. Demyx, Zexion, and Xaldin had headed home already as well as everyone else. Axel squeezed my hand lightly before slipping his hand away and putting his arm around my shoulders, drawing me closer. "Ready to go home, Rox?" he asked. It was mid November and the winter chill that came with it was starting to creep in. Today was especially chilly. I shivered slightly before allowing him to lead me to the car, still looking back. "We can come back as often as you'd like," Axel said reassuringly.

"I'd like that," I said, smiling up at him as he opened the car door for me before going around to the driver's side.

"Axel," I said as he started the car, making him look at me. "Could we just… drive around for a little while?" I asked.

"Sure," he said, putting the car into gear.

Fallen: That way he can monitor his territory and flex on rival gangs.

Aziz: Maybe do a few drive-bys.

Fallen: Life on the streets: A romantic setting

Axel drove around for about an hour, before taking off, going out of town, obviously having a destination in mind. He stopped at a place called 'crystal fissure'. Axel said that it was a natural wonder and it was located in a town called Radiant Garden. I looked at it, amazed, as we got out of the car. It was absolutely beautiful.

Fallen: I’m gonna give the author the benefit of the doubt for not describing this at all and assume it’s an in-game location and we’re supposed to know what it looks like already!

Aziz: Actually, it is.

Cade: Isn’t this the same author who felt the need to tell us what Axel looks like earlier?

"Do you like it?" Axel asked. We'd arrived just before sunset, so it was reflecting the different hues that the sun was giving off.

"It's beautiful," I said, awestruck.

"So are you," Axel said, grasping my hand. I stared up at him and he gazed straight into my eyes. That was definitely bold of him.

Aziz: Hasn’t he been doing this shit all fic?

"No I'm not," I said, softening my gaze a little, searching his face in an attempt to know what he was thinking. He smirked down at me.

"I think you are," he said. I felt my cheeks heat up at those words. I turned to leave so he wouldn't see, but he gripped my hand more tightly, pulling me close and turning me around.

"Axel…" I whispered, staring at him wide-eyed and shivering a little from the cold. He smiled briefly before looking away. He probably thought he was scaring me.

"Look Roxas," he said, indicating the fissure, "its magenta now." I didn't tear my eyes away from his face.

Cade: Axel’s prettier than some stupid ol’ crystals any day.

Aziz: I wish I could argue with that.

Fallen: Why is he so pretty?!

"Axel," I said a little louder, making him look at me again. He looked like he was about ready to speak, but I beat him to it. "Do want an answer to your question now?" I asked, looking up into his surprised face.

"Ready to give me an official answer?" he asked, sounding as surprised as he looked and blinking.

I smirked up at him. "Yeah," I said, "something along those lines." Axel continued to look at me as anticipation worked its way across his face. "I'd love to be your boyfriend," I said, "if you don't mind me not being able to get over my past yet and if you can accept the fact that I can't handle much physical action."

Fallen: Not that it’s a good idea to jump right into ‘physical action’ anyway... *cough*

Cade: ...isn’t this chapter rated M?

I literally saw Axel's face transform, from anxious to extremely excited in a matter of seconds, making him look a lot like a child in a candy store, as his face lit up. "Of course not, silly," he said gleefully, bending down and kissing my forehead, making my flush darken a little. I couldn't believe that he was so happy just because I'd said yes and even had conditions attached. "I can be patient," he said, brushing his nose against mine. 

Aziz: *as Axel* But I do expect sex eventually, trauma be damned, you got that?

"I'll even listen if you ever want to talk about the past."

"I'd like that," I said, turning toward the fissure again. We watched it until the sun had set then made our way back to the car as it got dark.

Cade: *insert low-effort joke about stumbling over something and falling off a cliff here*

By the time we got home, the last traces of twilight had completely vanished and the stars had already come out. Axel and I went inside his darkened home. He pressed a finger to his lips, looking back at me when he turned on a light, before locking the door. I peered around him and saw Demyx snuggled up on

top of Zexion on the couch.

Aziz: Don’t they have, like, their own house or something? Why are they always at Axel’s?

Fallen: I honestly don’t remember anymore.

Cade: We really need to update more consistently...

Both were asleep despite the TV being on. I smiled at them as we passed by and Axel shut off the TV. He turned back and grasped my hand, smiling as he led me into his bedroom.

"Do you want to stay in my room or would you like a room of your own?" Axel asked, taking off his shoes.

Fallen: And I thought lesbians move in on the third date jokes were stupid.

Aziz: Lesbians move in on the third date. Gays move in on the first.

I took off my shoes as well as my jacket before answering.

"Staying in yours is fine," I said, taking off my gloves, "if you don't mind," knowing full well that he wouldn't. "Axel, will you tell me about yourself?" I asked, sitting on his bed.

"Sure, Roxas, but first, I need a shower," he said. I nodded just before he vanished.

Aziz: Forever, hopefully.

As soon as he was gone, I searched through his dresser. I found a clean shirt and underwear, not bothering to look for anything else; I'm sure the rest of his clothes would've been way too big on me, since he was so tall. I slipped away and went out, past the sleeping lovers, going to shower myself as well. I was sure I needed it.

I wanted to get done before him though, so I didn't take more than five minutes then got dressed in the clean clothes, gathering up the dirty ones, and heading back. I barely beat him, just sitting on the bed again before he came in, in only underwear.

"I see you raided my dresser," he said, smiling at me before sitting next to me.

"Yeah, I hope you don't mind," I said.

Cade: Pretty sure none of it fits.

Fallen: Yeah, Roxas has a pretty normal build while Axel is built like an anorexic giraffe.

Aziz: Roxas bends over and the underwear rips because it’s too tight on his hips. “Oh no~” he trills, putting a finger on his lower lip and glancing back at Axel. “My entire ass is on display~”

Cade: Can we get to the M-rated part already? At least bad sex is usually entertaining.

"Not at all," he said shaking his head. I smiled at him before letting my eyes wander down to his chest. For someone who was only twenty-three,

Cade: How old is Roxas again, sixteen?

Fallen: At this point I literally just remember child bride jokes.

he sure had a lot of scars. Guess that that was part of gang life. I winced. Two of them had been my fault. "What's wrong, Rox?" Axel asked. He'd seen me start to look a little upset.

"Did it hurt?" I asked, running my thumb across his two newest scars. Axel laughed lightly.

"Of course," he said, "But saving you made it worthwhile," He said.

"Does it still hurt?" I asked, looking into his face.

Aziz: For him? No. For us?

Fallen: Maybe.

He shook his head no, but looked a little pained as if he'd just remembered something. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Just thinking," he said. I smiled, but felt a little bitter.

"Just thinking…" I said, "about Luxord?"

Fallen: *as Axel* About that ass I won’t get until you get over your PTSD shit or whatever.

He didn't answer me and I knew I was right. "Did he injure your heart or your mind?" I asked, sliding my fingers along his chest. I was surprised when he shivered as I touched him. When he still didn't answer, I pushed him down gently.

"What are you doing Roxas?" He asked, clearly surprised as I kissed first his chest then his forehead, both deliberately slowly and lovingly.

"Whenever my dad would get angry and hit me when I was little, before my mother passed, she'd kiss me where I was hurt like that and I'd feel better," I said, running my fingers along the tattoos on his cheeks. "Was I wrong?" I asked, widening my eyes a little.

Axel smiled at me warmly. "No," he said, "I feel much better."

Aziz: Well, that’s corny.

Fallen: And scene.

Cade: ...wait, seriously? Where’s the porn??

Fallen: Um, in the next chapter maybe?

Cade: Why was this this chapter rated M, then???

Aziz: *clicks through* They all say that.

Cade: Uh. How did we just notice on chapter eleven, then?

Aziz: Because they’re in the author’s notes and we always ignore those.

Cade: Ah... well... that’s stupid. What’s the point in pointing out the M-rating every chapter?

Fallen: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

To be continued...

[theramblingonesie]

No More, Mr. “Nice Guy”.

My heart breaks and goes out to all of the women who have had the courage to come forward recently in the media about men in power who have violated them.  I refuse to compare traumas, and some could make the ignorant argument that what I’m about to say “DOESN’T EVEN COMPARE” to other more violent acts in Hollywood, but this particular story about Aziz hits very close to home and has left me slightly undone.

Yesterday, my little sister bravely put a post up on her social media that I hope contributes to changing the minds and hearts of Aziz’s defenders.  Years ago, she had an encounter with him that leaves no doubt in my mind that this man is a serial predator, and is in fact very aware of his behavior.  When I started seeing posts going up about him not knowing any better, it being a one-time accident, give him a chance, etc, my blood boiled over.  Because for every one story that receives light, there is almost always a painful trail of those that don’t.  We, the general public, have absolutely zero knowledge or qualification to conclude this man’s innocence.  But I’ve heard enough true stories that absolutely confirm that he is guilty, and NOT a “nice guy”.

When I first heard this news story, I became very upset about how this brave woman, Grace, is being torn apart by the media.  The criticism, the atrocious “open letter” by another woman, was deplorable enough being directed at her.  But these attacks go further than Grace.  Just like we’re unqualified to say that Aziz is innocent, criticizing and destroying Grace’s character is also insane, because nobody making these comments actually knows her.  Therefor, these words are attacks on every woman, every person, who has ever suffered at the hands of sexual assault, violation, and manipulation.  I moved through the phases of generalized rage, to rage over my sister being targeted, and eventually right over to my own miserable encounter with a different celebrity who is widely known to be a “nice guy”.

What happened between this “nice guy” celebrity and I could also be judged as just a really, really bad date.  Okay. Hm. Here are some examples of dates I’ve been on that qualify as really bad, in my opinion:

1.       Met up with a dude on OkCupid around the corner from my apartment.  He was totally different online versus in person.  He didn’t pick up on any social cues, spoke about himself the entire time without asking me any questions, begged for a kiss at the end of the night, and then attempted to make plans to see me again. It was so gross that I desperately texted another OkCupid match immediately after in an attempt to brain-bleach the experience away.  Dude #2 picked me up around midnight and took me to a diner. He was super nice, but I didn’t feel any chemistry. All in all, the night left me feeling gross, sad, lonely and exhausted.  I deleted my profile shortly thereafter.

2.       Went out with a guy who claimed that he was such a powerful wizard that he could turn invisible, and had me “watch” him do it (I…still saw him).  Later that night he somehow convinced me to go back to his place, where he proceeded to makeout with me under a crystal pyramid.  I still laugh about that one.

3.       My first super-serious boyfriend didn’t know I was 20 when he asked me on our first date. I got kinda lost and was late to meet him in Revere, realized I had forgotten my wallet with all of my money back in Rhode Island, got in the car with him while I was still on the phone with another friend, and then when I asked what we’d be doing that night, he responded that there was a bar he’d like to take me to. I had to give him the news that I was underage. I was absolutely the cause of this horrible date. We ended up being together for five years after that, but good lord was that awful. Forever in my shame file….(side note: the night ended really well, fortunately, and has remained a very sweet memory)

Those are what “bad dates” look like.  There is no sexual assault or emotional manipulation in those stories.  There was no fear for my safety, no violation, no feeling of absolute filth or the kind of humiliation that makes you completely question yourself and turn to ice, drawing up traumas from the past or activating mental illness.  As soon as those qualities enter the picture, one is no longer on a “bad date”.  It becomes a different entity; a bastard child of rape culture.

My “bad date” with this “nice guy” celebrity still haunts me to this day.  He had met me a year or so prior during a big performance I was in, and pursued me to varying degrees over time.  I was completely star-struck.  I had been a fan of this guy’s music since forever, and couldn’t believe that he was paying so much attention to me.   My friends made fun of me because he was a bit older, or at least had aged poorly from years of heavy drug use, but that didn’t matter me. He was sober now, and so devoted to his art, and so smart and funny, and sooooo nice.  After months of more intense flirtation and a solid makeout session after one of his shows, he became insistent on spending more time with me, wanting to treat me like someone he was actually seeing, rather than a casual long-distance flirtation. He begged me to come stay with him in New York for a couple weeks, telling me about all the places he would take me, the fancy dinners, and so on.  I agreed to make it happen, but shortly after saying yes, he began getting a little cold.  Energetically, I knew something was off.  I backed off of the plans, confused, and made up an excuse that I would have to check with my work to see how much time I could take off.  Ultimately I gave in and decided to go down for two nights.  That weekend ended with me going hungry and thirsty, abandoned in a hotel room, fucked twice and then completely snubbed. I felt awful.  I felt used, manipulated and lied to.  I felt cheap, pathetic and outrageously humiliated.  I hated how his coldness made me shut down, and that I felt unsafe being myself. I hated what an idiot I sounded like around him, because my brain was so dissociated from confusion and fear around not understanding the extreme shift that was occurring with him.  I hated how ugly I felt, and how stupid.  I hated that I was treated like a nameless sex worker, and STILL didn’t get paid.  At 1 or 2am on the last night, I sent a frantic text to one of my sister-wives who supported me in an incredible way, offering to buy me a different room so I could sleep before getting back on the road to Boston.  Talking to her gave me the strength to leave there and tell him to fuck off forever.  I wrote him an email while his “sober” ass was drugged up and unconscious on pills next to me, and hit send as soon as I left the hotel, because I had no desire to look at his face or hear his excuses in person.  I told him how horrible his behavior was, to which I didn’t receive any kind of response for hours.  No, the first thing I saw from him was a video on Instagram of him in the back of a cab, just staring into a camera with tears in his eyes so all of his followers could see what a sweet, sensitive man he was in that tender moment of pain.

BARF.

He finally made contact, with his first text saying “well that fucking sucked.”  I tried asking him why he did what he did, to just give me some hint or clue or anything that would help me stop feeling so awful and insane. The last text I remember receiving was, “I said I’m sorry.  I don’t owe you any explanations.”

Outside of work, I spent the next couple days in bed, mourning the experience.  There weren’t enough showers.  I exhausted my tears.  I felt such a depression that I stopped feeling anything at all.  This man continued to follow my friends online, liking their sexy pictures and making fun and flirty comments, as if there were zero consequences to his actions.  Not a drop of guilt or self-awareness.  A few months later, a song of his came on, and like women are conditioned to do, I questioned if the badness of the interaction was all my fault; that my being a desperate loser made him rightfully neglect and mistreat me; that my sensitivity and awkwardness caused me to lose a lover and friend.

SO I SENT HIM AN APOLOGY TEXT AND TOLD HIM I MISSED HIM.

He responded simply that he was glad to hear that.  And we never spoke again.

I dare you to ask me why I didn’t just leave.

I dare you to call that a “bad date”.

I dare you to bring up my age, my fragility, my anxiety or history of depression.

I dare you to ask me why I don’t just say his name, or why I haven’t spoken up sooner (one reason: he already has one autobiography out in which he shares graphic and personal details about the women he’s hooked up with, often through the lens of him being some kind of savior, unless he’s looking for sympathy because he was on drugs. On our “really bad date”, he informed me that he has a deal with a publisher and was in the middle of writing his second autobiography.  I would like to not end up in that book for the rest of time.  If I’m already in that book, I would like it if nobody bought it, so I’m not about to call attention to him. Please thank you amen).

I dare you to tell me that I put myself in that situation.

I dare you to tell me this whole thing is fake because I tried to resume contact.

I dare you to tell me to toughen up and just get over it, that I should be grateful that I don’t live in a part of the world where acid could be thrown in my face.

I dare you to tell me that I asked for it.

I dare you to tell me that it wasn’t technically rape, and that this is just how men are and it’s not his fault.

I dare you to bring up my entire history of sexual assault and dysfunctional relationships, and make an argument that I’m either lying, that I’m a magnet for this, or that I’m just attention seeking.

I dare you to tell me what a fan you are, and that he’s such a nice guy.

Just try me.

These days, I feel mostly healed from this interaction.  I’ll occasionally have a dream about it, or snarl a bit if his name or music come up. Sometimes I try to change the story in an attempt to reclaim any power from the situation, bragging to folks who aren’t close to me that I had the chance to bone a rockstar.  It’s super rare that I feel angry about this anymore. To be honest, my anger about it only flairs up when I hear other women getting trashed for having the courage to come forward about rape culture.  Which, these days, is more and more frequent.  But I think 90% of that anger is that of a collective rage for having to ask/answer these questions, doubt our worth and authenticity in the face of those who hurt us, and lay ourselves out to be slaughtered in the name of “justice”.  5% of it is still being angry at him.  The last 5% is being mad at myself for not acknowledging the red flags for what a loser he is.

While I do believe that there are people who do nice things in the world, I’m all set with “nice guys”.  Or just, “nice people” in general.  More and more, I find that many people who identify as “nice” or are described as “nice”, are simply performing niceness.  I, as with most women on the planet, have had more than my fair share of “nice guys” getting angry with me for not giving them my pussy in exchange for all of the “nice” things they’ve done for me (most of which I never asked for, I just say “oh wow, that’s nice, okay” when it’s presented).  There are countless “nice guys” out there who were my dear friends, who have miserably rejected and abandoned me now that they know I’m not going to fuck or date them. If you ask them, they’ll probably tell you a version where I was so mean or ungrateful, whatever. Find Jesus and call me in the morning.

I’ve had “nice” friends of all genders who use “niceness” like some sort of currency, that when they’re being absolute douchebags, they like to avoid personal responsibility and remind you about how you can’t be upset with them because they’ve done so many “nice” things.  Or they use “niceness” as a way to create co-dependency.  There are a lot of “nice” people in power—cops, celebrities, clergy members, girl scout leaders, teachers, family members, etc. who have done some really nasty things.  A lot of classist racists give to charity.  This is not to say that the rest of us are infallible, no no.  I by no means will try to make you think I’m any kind of angel. But there’s something manipulative and deceptive about the performance of “niceness”.  These people in power who would “never hurt a fly!” have raped, stolen, been abusive, lied, exploited, and hell—even been serial killers!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY “NICE GUYS” WHO ARE ACTIVE IN CHURCH AND ARE COMMUNITY LEADERS AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL FAMILIES ARE ALSO MURDERERS??????

SO I DON’T EVEN WITH ME.

Sorry, I don’t mean to contribute to mass hysteria.  No, I truly don’t believe that the average nice person is a murderer.  My point is, “nice” is not an argument toward someone’s innocence.  Nice can be a defense mechanism, like animals who pretend they’re dead so they won’t get eaten.  Underneath that is a world of emotions, thoughts, fears, motivations, experiences, and so on.  I know very, very few people who can be defined with niceness being their authentic, primary trait.  I know infinite humans who are awesome, who are incredibly kind and loving, and do very nice things.  But they also get angry.  They also tell people the truth and say no, which can be met with a lot of resistance and backlash.  They also have moments of being bitchy, and owning that bitchiness.  They can be sad, really really sad.  They can be jealous, cold, selfish, and really a vast array of things, BECAUSE THEY ARE WHOLE HUMAN BEINGS AND THAT IS REAL.

When a person tries to push their niceness on me, or insist that I see them as nice, or others argue with me “but they’re so nice” as a largely defining quality, I am immediately suspicious.  I don’t care if you’re nice.  I care about whether or not you’re mature, and if you have boundaries and empathy.  I care about your actions matching your words, and if what you do behind closed doors matches who you are on Facebook (I mean like, it’s none of my business how much you pick your nose or how many days you go without bathing, but don’t let me find out that your yogi feminist-posting ass abuses women).  I care about whether or not you have genuine love in your heart, and pure intentions. I care about your ability to be kind, and your honesty about when you’re not.  I care about whether or not you have integrity, and if you’re willing to be authentic.  I’m not interested in Nice People.  I’m interested in good people.  Just like self-deprecation is an easy go-to in comedy, how being “pretty” and “cute” are the easiest approaches to burlesque, and how using auto tuning can turn anyone’s voice to gold, the performance of “niceness” is the easiest and most classic manipulation tactic in the book.  I’m not asking you not to be nice.  I’m asking you to be real.  And if being nice in this moment for you is real, then I accept.  But if your “niceness” pushes past my wellbeing, then you are not nice, and your actions are null and void.  Please understand this point.

I am very tired of being fed “truths” based on superficial assessments.  None of you truly know Aziz Ansari.  None of you truly know this celebrity I had a negative experience with. Enjoying a person’s product or public persona is not the same as knowing them.  Destroying a vulnerable person who is suffering at the hands of the strangers you call heroes is unacceptable.  Do not create more wounds and more victims because you can’t hold the hard moral dilemma of enjoying the work or benefits of knowing a person who does bad things.  That is your own cross to bear, not theirs.  They already have enough to deal with.

Next time you say “oh but he’s really a nice guy”, you’d best be able to back that up with extensive, concrete evidence.

Next time you catch yourself huffing and crying, justifying your actions with, “hey, I’m a really nice guy”, check yo’self, because you’re probably about to wreck yo’self.

So what am I really aiming for here, in yet another rambling blog?  My hope and prayer is, whether it’s rape culture, deceptive behavior, or our society trivializing stories that make them question themselves and feel uncomfortable/inconvenienced, that I’ll be able to see a day when this bullshit doesn’t rule our lives.  We need to stop waiting for it to magically appear for us, too.  Each woman who comes out and speaks her truth is doing her part. Each person who is directly acknowledging bad behavior and holding their friends and family accountable is doing their part.  Don’t wait for change to fall in your lap.  Examine the role you play in all of this, and adjust yourself accordingly. You can drag along behind, crying and trying to stop this boat by kicking the waves, or you can jump on board and help us sail collectively to shore.  Either way, this baby is moving forward.  You decide how you want that experience to go for you.

Link here for an amazing article by Lindy West, dismantling the argument that boys and men don’t know any better, and the toxic nuances of rape culture:

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/opinion/aziz-ansari-metoo-sex.html

[myloveholtzy]

Meeting the cast of SNL (3rd time’s a charm)

Another long post 🙌

Okay so my main goal was to meet Cecily Strong. I call Cecily a unicorn because she’s beautiful and it’s rare to see her. She almost NEVER comes out! I heard it’s because she feel overwhelmed bc honestly some fans get REALLY excited and in-your-face about it lol I did kind of want a better selfie with Kate and see if she remembers my gift, but eh she didn’t stop for many people last time so I wasn’t really expecting much. I also wanted to meet Leslie!!!! I saw her the first time I went but was so Shook that I forgot to ask for a picture.

Kate came out first ofc lol she smiled, but didn’t stop for anyone. Actually she stopped for one person bc I think they REALLY wanted a picture. OKAY SO MY HEART WAS FUCKING RACING Aziz Ansari came out as the same time as Kate holy fucking shit im a BIG parks and rec fan so I couldn’t believe it!!! Aziz AND Kate omfg he waved at us but clearly didn’t really want to be noticed rip he kept his head down, waved, and left

Melissa came out next and she’s so sweet and adorable I adore her! Lmao okay so I tried to take a selfie with her and the flash turned on and I was like “...oh no why” and she told me to check it AND I LOOK SO BAD LMAO MY EYES ARE CLOSED AND EVERYTHING that made her laugh and it was really cute lol I made Melissa Villasenor laugh with my face wow got a good selfie with her after!

I saw 2 of the new cast members! Heidi came out and took a picture with a couple of girls. She was trying to get into a car so I felt too awkward to ask her for a picture/autograph rip

Aidy Bryant is such a beautiful and kind soul I love her so much!!! She tried to sign this paper for a girl standing next to me but it was a flimsy piece of paper so she was struggling to sign it lol I heard her say something like “oh no” and she giggled and said something along the lines of “i tried 😬”

Honestly, Alex Moffat is my favorite person to meet at the barricade! HE’S JUST SO NICE every time I meet him he does something sweet! He really liked my sign and he even read the FAQ on the back lol “’snl means saturday night live... well now I know!” I ACCIDENTALLY POKED HIM WITH MY UNCAPPED SHARPIE and I freaked out a little like “OH MY GOD I’M SO SORRY” and he just laughed and said it was okay 🙏🙏🙏 bless him

LESLIE JONES IS A GODDESS AND SHE’S SO STYLISH WOW I was so fucking excited when she came out and she looked really happy and she was like “sure!” when I asked her to sign my standby sign ❤️ also she had like rainbow shoes or something they were fucking awesome ALSO she fucking dates her autograph “Leslie 2017″ how fucking iconic i love her

Okay I’ve seen Mikey Day every time and he never stopped for pics (except for this one girl that he talked to on twitter i think) He saw me and amnesianda holding our signs and came up to read them and I asked him to sign it and he did!!!! As he was signing I asked him for a picture and he said yes but kind of got distracted and took a picture with someone else and left 🙃 rip I was kind of disappointed lol and was saying “oh is he not coming back....? rip i thought he said he could take a picture with me damn” AND HIS FRIEND(?) PULLED HIM BACK “hey you forgot to take a picture with that girl! She was really upset!” ASDFGHJKL WHAT he was like oh my bad and came back to take a picture and asked who else we got. I started listing everyone that came by and he got excited when we mentioned Leslie and Alex asdfga supportive cast members 10/10 (can someone talk to me about how he’s making a duck face bc i keep thinking about this)

so me, @amnesianda, and @clintbartonsdog were all talking about how beautiful Cecily is and how she probably won’t come out rip she almost never comes out!!!!!! Right after we said that SHE CAME OUT. CECILY STRONG WOW THE UNICORN asdjlkgaf she’s adorably awkward and I love her so much ❤️ also this may sound weird but she smells REALLY nice i just noticed that when we took a picture together wow 😍 she was about to take a picture with amnesianda but she asked if we wanted a picture together with all 3 of us and just wow she’s thoughtful asfgjkdsla clintbartonsdog asked her to sign her wristband and told her that she’s really neat and Cecily was like “oh no im not neat”

Beck and Kyle came out at one point but they never stop for pics but they saw my sign!!! They read it and like congratulated us for waiting/getting tickets or something. Beck seemed really happy and Kyle smiled and waved at us and thanked us for being there ☺️

I waited for like another hour for Colin because the first time I was here he came right after I left. I heard that he and Scarlett Johansson were holding hands during the show 👀 Richard (from the standby line) said he waited at another entrance and saw Lorne, Kenan, and Steven Spielberg!!!!!!!!

GREAT NIGHT VERY FUN DEFINITELY WORTH SLEEPING ON THE STREET FOR THIS

[joeygoespolitical]

After Aziz Ansari, The #MeToo Movement Is At a Crossroads Between Empowering Victims and Emboldening Victimhood

It has already been over three months since the Harvey Weinstein scandal broke there has been a tectonic shift in our culture. We have the witnessed the downfall of movie stars, TV anchors, journalists, celebrity chefs, and politicians who've been accused of harassment, assault, child molestation, and rape. And while the #MeToo movement has empowered the victims of sexual abuse who have suffered for decades, there was always a potential danger that it would get carried away with its cause.

Well, that danger may have arrived.

Last weekend, actor/comedian Aziz Ansari was accused of sexual misconduct, but unlike Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, and Al Franken, his alleged misdeeds weren't in a professional setting; they were on a date.

In a piece published on the blog Babe, a woman using the pseudonym "Grace" shared her story about meeting Ansari at an Emmys after party last year and their date that followed roughly a week later.

Their date began at his New York apartment where they had a drink, then they walked to a nearby restaurant for dinner. Grace noted that Ansari rushed to get the check and they went back to his place. She complimented his marble countertop and he asked her to "take a seat" on it. He began kissing her, touching her breast, and undressing her and himself. Grace recalled "feeling uncomfortable."

After he told her he was going to get a condom, Grace told him something in the lines of "let’s relax for a sec," but he proceeded to kiss her and performed oral sex. When he asked if she would return the favor, she did — but not for long. Following that, she said Ansari took two fingers and put them in her mouth and throat and then put them in her vagina. He also made numerous attempts to pull her hand towards his penis.

Grace described moving around the apartment as a "football play" where every time she'd walk away, Ansari would follow. But here is the part of the blog post that was worth emphasizing:

Throughout the course of her short time in the apartment, she says she used verbal and non-verbal cues to indicate how uncomfortable and distressed she was. “Most of my discomfort was expressed in me pulling away and mumbling. I know that my hand stopped moving at some points,” she said. “I stopped moving my lips and turned cold.”

Whether Ansari didn’t notice Grace’s reticence or knowingly ignored it is impossible for her to say. “I know I was physically giving off cues that I wasn’t interested. I don’t think that was noticed at all, or if it was, it was ignored.”

Throughout the night, he kept asking her where she wanted him to "fuck" her. And after telling him, "I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you, and I’d rather not hate you,” he would later ask her to perform oral while they sat on the couch, which she did- although she "felt pressured."

It wasn't until he had her bend over and pantomimed intercourse as he requested again for intercourse when she allegedly said "no, I don’t think I’m ready to do this, I really don’t think I’m going to do this." He then suggested putting their clothes back on and watching TV. But it didn't take long for Ansari to start kissing her and put his fingers down her throat again as he attempted to take off her pants. That was when she decided to leave. She requested an Uber, he hugged her, gave another "aggressive" kiss, and she left, noting that she cried on her way home.

In followup texts, she explicitly told her he made her feel uncomfortable and he apologized.

Ansari had released a statement since this story went viral. He admitted to sexual activity, but alleged "by all indications [it] was completely consensual." He said he was "surprised and concerned" and that he "took her words to heart."

My initial reaction from reading Grace's story is that Ansari acted like an immature horndog and his relentless efforts for sex resulted in a nightmare date for her. As an A-list celebrity, the Master of None star probably feels entitled in his sexual conquests, which isn't an excuse for his obnoxious behavior.

However, for Ansari to be swept up as a villain of the #MeToo movement over this is a step too far.

First off, in many of these cases, the victims and the high-profile predators had professional relationships that escalated into sexual misconduct. Here, it began and ended as a romantic relationship.

But here's the biggest problem: Grace shared that she felt "violated" and relied on "verbal and non-verbal cues to indicate how uncomfortable and distressed she was." She never flat-out said, "No, I don't want to have sex with you" and there was never a time where she shoved him off of her. And judging from the post, Grace seemed to have stayed in his apartment for a very long time even though his unwanted physical contact was constant throughout the night and there were plenty of opportunities where she could have left. How much blame are we supposed to place on Ansari for not picking up on her "cues"?

Caitlin Flanagan of The Atlantic described Grace's retelling of events as "3,000 words of revenge porn" and said that she and the writer "may have destroyed Ansari’s career." Bari Weiss of The New York Times determined that she too is "apparently a victim of sexual assault" after reading the "exposé" about Ansari. Both of their pieces are spot-on, but Flanagan went off message at the end when she invoked race, saying she "thought it would take a little longer for the hit squad of privileged young white women to open fire on brown-skinned men." This isn't about race. This is about the emboldenment of victimhood.

Respect should be given to the victims of harassment and abuse who have found the courage to come forward in recent months, but its cases like this where it's unsettling that an accuser like Grace is allowed to remain anonymous while Ansari's life could be ruined because he wasn't a Prince Charming on their date.

Early on when the #MeToo movement picked up steam, its critics have said it would lead to a "witch hunt." And maybe they're right because in the current climate, to be accused is virtually a conviction in the court of public opinion.

This accusation could be the tipping point for a movement in which criminalizing bad dates becomes the new normal. To group Ansari with monsters like Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey for what he allegedly did would be so unprecedented and so harmful, it would do more damage to how we interact as human beings than it would help any victim of abuse.

Being a sexual assaulter is illegal and being a jackass isn't, which leaves Ansari somewhere in between. If Grace truly feels he assaulted her, she should take him to court. But to crucify him for not being a gentleman on a date, especially since he failed to pick up on her "cues," is completely irrational. It's time for us to instill a degree of caution into this movement, a movement that began to combat misconduct in the workplace, not in order to silence victims but for us to determine who we should and shouldn't punish for such actions.

But be warned; if we do start punishing men for their embarrassing attempts at romance, which is exactly what this accusation did, then it will wrongfully paint the women of the #MeToo movement with frailty instead of strength. This movement was supposed to empower victims, but after it railroaded Aziz Ansari, it may embolden victimhood.

[blazermckinnon]

Meeting the cast of SNL 9/30/17

@clintbartonsdog , @myloveholtzy , and I wait at the barricades. We see some people from the standby line. The girl next to me was first or second in the standby line. We laugh and talk about the sketches like which ones were cut, which ones were funny, and PAPYRUS. It's extremely cold when the barricades go up. The girl next to me apologizes for bumping into me so much, it's really cute I love women.

Aziz Ansari walked out and we were all too shook to react quickly. We called his name and he waves but his head is down and looked like he didn't want to stop which I completely respect, it was cool enough to see him without expecting it.

Kate was the first cast member to come out. She waved and smiled but walked to her car and didn’t stop for pictures. Except for this one guy who stopped her for a picture as she was walking to her car which honestly was a bit unfair but oh well it is what it is.

Heidi came out but no one yelled her name except for a few of us so I felt super awkward about asking for a pic. Same with Chris and Luke. 

Next was Melissa (smiling as I write this because she's so pure). She was overwhelmed with happiness when the fans next to us show her gifts. She takes her time when stopping to interact with each of us and was so nice. She took a really derpy picture with @myloveholtzy and laughed, it was literally so funny I hope you post it lmao. I really appreciate her taking her time and making sure everyone got what they wanted am I in love? I think the fuck I am.

Then Aidy walked out and she is a woman™. She's also incredibly nice and stops for pictures, taking her time to take a good one with all of us. She's so sweet and caring and I'm so happy she does this every time. I, once again, got a blurry picture with her but I’m just glad I got one at all. 

Next was Alex and I am so shook. He's honestly such a down to earth guy and takes his time to make our experience funny and individual to each of us. I got a really funny picture of him looking down because @myloveholtzy accidentally stabbed him with her sharpie. He read my sign and laughed, and said "well now I know!" after reading "SNL stands for Saturday Night Live" on the sign which was so nice of him cuz he didn’t have to do that at all long story short I love him.

Next was Leslie and I finally got a picture with her!! It took me doing barricades 4 times but finally!! She smelled like weed, was wearing rainbow shoes, and signed her name with 2017. Only Leslie Jones could do that and pull it off.

Beck and Kyle came out at some point but didn't stop for pictures (throwback to when I got a picture with Beck after the Dave Chappelle episode). But they don't stop for pictures anymore) Beck put his hands up when we cheered lol and Kyle was really nice and said hi to us as they walked by. I think they asked us if we saw the show when they read our signs.

Mikey came out and cheered us on when we saw him. He saw our signs and asked us who we saw, he was really excited when we said who signed so far (Leslie, Alex, etc). He got distracted and went to take pictures with other fans but his friend said (very seriously) that he forgot to take pictures with us and that @myloveholtzy was really upset. I felt bad, I was about to be like oh nah it's cool but bless his friend for doing that cuz I've never gotten a picture with Mikey. He did a duck face in our pictures he's so funny. 

Holy shit Cecily Strong. Just as we were talking about how she rarely ever comes out, she walked out looking gorgeous I’m so shook. I think she asked if we watched the show as she was signing my sign and I said “yea you were so funny!” and she said “well that’s what i’m hoping!” idk i was lowkey embarrassed like no duh out of all the things i could’ve talked to her about i’m a mess lmao @clintbartonsdog was highkey flirting with her as she signed her wristband by calling her neat and Cecily denied it. I took a picture at a pretty low angle I tend to do that I guess my arms were too cold to actually lift up. So shook.

The barricades went down at around 2:30. Richard, our Australian friend, told us he saw Kenan, Lorne, and Spielberg at the other entrance. We waited a little longer in case Colin would come out but apparently he was with Scarjo (supposedly holding hands after the show) so he must've left the other way.

Truly an unforgettable two days. I cannot thank @myloveholtzy enough and @clintbartonsdog for being wonderful company.

As always, if you have any questions or are nervous about doing standby/barricades yourself, feel free to hit me up I'm down to talk/help you out 🤗

Click here for my other SNL experiences.