#but i also miss campus
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still very homesick for a lot of little things, like how my brother will just walk into me like i'm a skyrim npc whenever he needs something i'm standing in front of bc he has 50+ pounds on me and knows he can just tip my skinny ass over like a 5'7" telephone pole
#i also miss us communicating largely by flipping the bird and shouting obscenities. not a great habit to lapse into here on campus#a little nightblogging as a treat after only drawing commission work all day#art#sketch#comic#dc#dick grayson#jason todd#batfam
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🧍...
<< 🎯 <3
#mblue art#self insert#lust!sans#campus au#km route#lm#(in this route im not sure if lust n killer r friends friends but i sure am a mutual friend between these skeletons)#(also 2nd panel might be the best side profile ive ever drawn 🙏)#(stares at this again good god i made him so smoochable here i miss myw ife)
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Everyone gets more ttrpg art I think about this place 24/7 forever!!
#cape kids#my art#various other characters in this belong to bodbdearg + lyltinc + arcanagoat + dindleseed and then a whole bunch of people not on Tumblr!#my guy is the one in the orange hoodie and she's SILLYYYYY (fighting for her life)#guys I miss being insane about drawings and characters its been so freaking long since I was insane about drawings and characters#literally collapsing on the groundddd I need to be working on a stupid big drawing like all the time. for enrichment in my enclosure#im doing a really big personal project rn but ive also been wanting to draw the pit for a while....we will see......#also not shown in the drawing is me skulking around the biomedical engineering building on campus for inspiration LMAO
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I am JUST like Odysseus
#wasn’t paying attention and got on the wrong bus leaving campus#but was too absorbed in an article I was reading to realize this until we passed under the freeway#so I got off and ended up walking a mile back from there to one of my usual bus routes#barely missed that bus and had to wait 10 minutes for the next one#but traffic was so backed up b/c it’s la at rush hour that I got off the bus 2 stops before my actual stop#and walked the rest of the way. decision to do so was validated by the fact that as I reached my apartment building the bus I got off of#was still stuck in traffic behind me#also amusingly not 15 minutes before I left campus I was chatting with a friend in the program who lives very close to me#and he was like ‘lately I’ve been walking to and from campus’ and I was like ‘isn’t that a very long walk?’#and his response was ‘yeah but the exercise is nice and at rush hour it’s not much slower than the bus’#just demonstrated that for myself lmao
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as a Many Live Shows Of Band Attender… would you like to give us some Beloved Memorable Live Show Moments (loosely structured as a “top” five if you so choose) (i had ee in mind when asking this but feel free to include duncles or whomever as well)
LIVE SHOW MOMENCEEEE let's GOOOO
no reptiles at jacaranda baltic in liverpool on the mountainhead warm-up tour. 450 people in a little blue-tinged basement going absolutely mental. at one point jon growl-yelled FUCK off-mic because the energy was just So. waaaagh
no reptiles manchester night 2 of mountainhead tour proper, where jeremy took his in-ears out and stared out at the crowd singing back sort of... stunned? appreciative? i think about it a lot
pre-show in leeds when @shallowtboy and i started chatting to this kid and his older brother and all trying to decipher the setlist together with the power of iphone zoom (said kid also yelled PETE! I LOVE PETE when pete came out to do his set-up stuff and OH it made my night. you and me both brother)
general point: the fact that alex always seems to be smiling about something or other during the beginning of your money, my summer. not sure what that's about but it replenishes my soul nonetheless
tin (the manhole) at exeter phoenix, because it just IS, isn't it
BONUS: the time at dutch uncles in nottingham when panto pete pointed at me accusingly from the stage, of COURSE
#hashtag real talk#asks#i love these asks a whole lot thank you#not featured: the time i managed to punch shallowtboy's glasses off by being too enthusiastic about photoshop handsome#jon drinking white claw on stage in nottingham#first time they ever played canary at stockport plaza and i couldn't stop laughing at how hard pete was going on the keys#aaaalllllllll the time ive spent directly before/after ee gigs just Mucking About also. god#(when we were kicking a rock around leeds university campus)#(lmao it smells like weed... about 5 steps later we discover the source of the weed smell and oh hang on wait a fucking minute)#(GETTING REALLY INTO MAKING PLANS FOR NIGEL ON THE PRE-SHOW PLAYLIST)#tl;dr i miss tour. weh
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i have so much shit to do and unpack and launder and my skin is awful and I don’t feel comfortable in my body too many things are coming up this is my first year of not being a student after like 15+ years of it and I’m so out of my depth I need to apply to jobs AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#sorry im just feeling a lot rn#pressure to make this month good i just want to enjoy it but im also constantly stressed about the future#im just a girl my job is ao3 and phannieism#and I will continue to take those roles very seriously in the mean time#it’s a lifestyle tbh#no one gets me like y’all do like i’ve been reading a lot of fic and im just consistently impressed by the quality of work#and how people write and understand their dynamic#it’s so special being a phannie requires a form of intellectualism and media comprehension many just do not possess#dnp#blossoms.txt#pls don’t make me get a job!!!but I also have no money#i said I need a break from school it’s been 2 months why do I miss it already#or do I miss campus in the fall.#probably the latter but those masters programs are calling my name
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I have a job interview tomorrow for a research assistant job and the lady said she was gonna send me a map on how to get there but she hasn't yet well jokes on her I spent probably 80% of my time on campus jr/sr years in that building or adjacent ones
#you really think i dont know how to get to moos tower? ill kill u#its also the tallest building on campus its hard to miss
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THE RAMPS ARE TOO FUCKING STEEP ON THESE GYMS.
THEY JUST SLAPPED A BANDAID OVER A LEAKING TANK PRETTY MUCH. HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO GET UP THESE ON A WHEELCHAIR.
*growls* IM SOMEWHAT OF AN ANGEL OF DARKNESS ALLY…..DISABLED PEOPLE….YOU HAVE MY SWORD!!!!! 🗡️
#ooc: places in the pokemon world being inaccessible is a rlly hit or miss topic to me#ooc: sometimes it just really makes me uncomfortable#ooc: but I thought about my college campus and had to voice my concerns via gym complaint /lh#ooc: and also I need alphonse to go back into shitpost territory#ooc; I get second hand embarrassment from writing them#dubious disc#rotomblr#pokeblogging#pkmn irl#pokemon irl#unreality#alphonse world tour arc#ableism cw
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me when me and @m1ckeyb3rry met irl today
truly a historical event
#was vv fun i showed her around my uni campus#my best friend also joined us :D and then we got food and it was very good#missing the pookie bear already#— [ rambles ] ; eydís talks!
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i don't wanna take over the world, it sounds like a lot. but you know, laying siege to a golf course sounds really nice sometimes
#just me hi#i'm giggling thinking about it hfbvhs#you can use the sandbanks for cover and if you plan far enough ahead you can start farming around those little ponds#and you can steal golf balls :D and use them as currency ?? or just collect them :3#and you could use the tennis ball guns to shoot the balls at people of course!! and you're supplied with sticks when you get there !! free#weaponry !! :D#and if you can hold out for long enough you could start planting rose and blackberry bushes in places they wouldn't look#why? bc roses Always Come Back#and blackberries will take a minute but who can get mad at a blackberry bush !! nature's surprise :D#oh and of course you could have a noble steed too (golf cart) !! :DD#and you could make the building a castle#and make a little gnome town in the fields once the battle is over#OH you could build a miniature golf in and around the town too :D for the funsies#/places are very cool i like places#could some be used better? oh yea for sure#i have dreams for abandoned malls hfvbs - some of my favorite places ever#that's one big odd thing i want. to have a mall to live in hfhs :3#is it a lot of space ? ye. but it's also SOO much space.. the possibilities !!#//anyway i Need to go for a walk in a city sometime soon lol#i miss the riverwalk aaa#GASP campus martius during the winter. my dearest#i didn't realize the threshold for being a city was so low lmao ?? like man these are just big towns what is this hfvbsh#//but aside from the city pining MAN#i got to drive earlier today ('got to' they put me in the seat and it wasn't very fun hfvbshf) and oooohhh#you know that feeling on a roadtrip when it's all worth it for just a little while.maybe when you broke over the top of a hill or looked up#from whatever you were doing to find a storm ahead and the rear lights of the cars seemed to blink in agreement with how gorgeous it all is#just that hfbsh :3#i like places a lot. sobs [<- crying candy hearts]#//okey i'm goin to go do my somethings now hfvhs :3 :D#music and caffeine are SO good ehehhehghhg [slinkies away so fast]
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the shift i just had….. literally an episode of fucking looney tunes😭
#it’s finals week and i work at the testing accommodation center so it’s sooo crowded and then im delivering tests going all over campus and#getting the paperwork mixed up THEN im hungry bc i missed breakfast this morning (also pissed me off) so I DoorDash food right.#well. he gets here as im delivering tests so i have to walk back tests in hand to get my food#then the guy can’t find me at all and passes where i said to go#THEN i text him except here’s the kicker guys he is Turkish and doesn’t speak english.#im crying at this point.#so then im standing outside sweaty as hell bc it’s also extremely humid out trying to explain to this guy how to get to my complex#im hot. stressed bc i should be at work. hungry. AND now im back and my shift ends in like 5 minutes#so the rest of those tests are nawt my problem bye#WHAT THE FUCKICURHDKSJDJ#*personal
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hey hey when Paul (or whoever that was writing the book of Hebrews) tells us not to complain or God might strike us dead, how do we separate that from toxic positivity
#I'm kind of struggling rn guys#being at a *insert denomination here* school full of people who are all trying very hard to appear more or less perfect all the time#is killing my nerves#because see I have just begun to truly break out of my own perfectionism#I wanna put it to death SO badly#but how am I supposed to do that when I constantly feel like I have to perform all the time????#or else be considered a 'bad example'????#there are people here who know me. from years ago and only like 3 of them but still.#I don't enjoy sensationalist preaching#at all. and I feel like there's some of that going on here.#sensationalist and also like. massively dragged out of context in order to make a point.#hhhhh.#gurt says stuff#delete later#I have worked SO HARD to get to this school!!! WHY am I suddenly feeling terrible about the decision to come here!!!!!!!!#just... say some prayers for me plz. I'm exhausted and sad and I miss my family right now.#and it feels like all my friends are out there doing Real Stuff (joining the military; getting married; learning hard skills)#and I'm just over here wandering around campus and feeling alone in a huge crowd of people
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oh i am on the Brink of a mental breakdown. and like a real one. i am going to feel so so fucking terrible and guilty if i don’t go to the first week of mac rehearsal bc i need to recover but i am also getting the sense that i Need to recover. i have never been this burnt out or genuinely terrified of starting a new semester in my life.
#we go back to campus a week early for mac. to be clear#and god they’ll be long days and they’ll be physically emotionally and mentally draining and i genuinely dont know if i can take that#but i am also going to be missing SO much time. and i won’t be there to support the people who i need to#i have also. been thinking a lot about how i’m scared that i think so much abt death bc i’m gonna be one of those people#who seem even more than everyone else like they have a finite time and then they die young#and then my mom compared me to jonathan larson tonight#so maybe that’s some sort of sign that i need to slow the fuck down#i am crying rn. for myself. which happens about three times a year#and yeah one is usually during winter break so we’re on schedule#i don’t know. idk!! i don’t know what to do here#and i still have to do my fucking scene prep for tomorrow#bc i was talking my mom about it and i really needed support which she was giving and then she has to leave for five seconds#and when she came back the entire conversation was just about her own problems again which we’ve already talked about every fucking night bc#- you can’t leave conversations with her and i hate when she fucking drunks i hate it i hate it#i am Not Well. i’ve sort of been avoiding admitting to myself just how badly#but man. i can push through anything until i drop but when i start wishing that i’ll drop so i have an excuse for a break….. not good#ted talks#the west wing
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hmm not sure i like how my brain seamlessly reads in english🤔
#i just finished reading a novel in filipino#im now reading another local novel but in english#i have such a complicated relationship with tagalog and filipino#i mean as of now my comprehension is sufficient. for conversational sitches#and ig its the lifelong consequence of not being taught tagalog as a child#but im not ~fluent~#(tbh a thing i miss from being on campus is being exposed to smth other than the same ol stuff wid my family/relatives)#that i wont have formative experiences/nostalgia to bank on#that i can only interact tangentially through pop culture and whatever literature/media i find#that im forever going to interpret it through the lens of english#(oh the way i had to agonize over this for my thesis. screaming shaking puking)#ig its the small victories that matter#having the moments where i was just reading and not translating every single word#also there were some moments i bust out laughing. did not expect the wit in this prose but it was very appreciated#the way lil dio struggled so much with filipino and social studies (aka araling panlipunan)#i hope shed be a bit happier to see that shes come a long way#for-dellet
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i saw her friend today and in a way i think it really ehlped cuz she was the one who was being so kind and like 'how are you doing i know this must be hard but i still want to be friends' and it really touched me cuz iw as stressed cuz i was paranoid they were talking shit about me or smth. she also told me she was also shocked when she found out that she broke up w me so i guess it feels good knowing im not the only person kept in the dark i guess but its like if its something she couldnt even tell her friends about then what made her do it. cuz when i asekd her friend 'did she ever seem concnerd about the relationship or anything' her friend was like 'no.... not.... not really?' which idk if i fully believe but i dont think she was totally lying cuz she did seem to at least consider it. so if she wawsnt lying then i still dont understand what compelled her to dump me
#and i mean this is a friend shes CLOSE with. like super close with#and yeah there is the possibility shes lying just to keep her privacy which i understand but still like the fact even she was shocked when#she found out she dumped me ?? like that has to mean something#however when i asked 'how is she doing' her friend was like 'shes alright' and idk why but that kinda hurt#and idk if she was just saying it cuz maybe she thought it would make me feel better or if she didnt want to give too many details#or if she really truly was doing 'all right' but like what the fuck do you mean shes doing alright#like am i seriously sobbing on 1am walks around campus because i miss her and shes just doing alright????#like what the fuck#i really hope its mor ethan that because thats actually goign to break me#hres teh thing though like i dont doubt that she felt some sort of emotion cuz she was crying when we broke up and our entire relationship#she was so genuine about all of it but its also that annoying part of me thats like did she ever care#because how was she the one to tell me she wanted a relatoinship with me and how was she the one to tell me 'i love you first'#only to dump me not even 5 months later??? i just dont fucking understand any of it#im so fuckign confused about it all#all i can even hope for is that somehow she realizes she messed up and comes back to me and ill take her back immediately man#but she dosnt seem the kind to do that#i just wish i understood why she didnt want to give us even a CHANCE to fix whatever issues she thought we were havign#CUZ SHE NEVER EVEN SAID ANYTHING ABOUT ANY ISSUES!!!! SO I DONT UNDERSTAND#LIKE SHE BROKE UP W ME OUT OF THE BLUE!!!! NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO ANYONE???#unless her friend is lying when i asked about whether she seemed concerned#but still
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i am feeling So Many Things at the moment but mostly i just feel like a disaster
#friday chats#tw vent#it's like.#new school - far from family - already behind - new crush - really tired - fucking focus would you?! - new show - undone chores#on and on and on#a big ball of highs and lows that - instead of mellowing out into a net positive or negative -#- just make me feel like i'm being pulled in two opposite directions#why can't i just have the good and not the bad#i really wanted to take a gap year to decompress from All Of High School but my parents refused#kind of wish i took it regardless. just ''whoops - missed the application deadline! i'll get it in next year'' and faced their ire#but then i wouldn't have met my new friend at freshman camp#we both were individually interested in the queer orgs on campus and could have still met that way#but idk. it wouldn't have been the same#mostly i'm just worried i'm not cut out for living on my own. being an adult with a job. doing college at all.#not because people who have to rely on others/don't have a job/drop out are supposedly failures#but bc i don't have anybody i could safely fall back on AND live a life that is entirely my own if i don't make it#all i've got is my family. who will judge me for failing and force me to stay in the closet.#and frankly i don't want to live like that#so i have to keep going#but also part of me's like. ''you're ready to throw in the towel only a week in?? for fuck's sake friday come on''#it was just so much. i don't know. i just want to rest. i've been stressed for so long#i want a life where my needs are met and i feel safe and loved. that's all#but NOO i have to get a DEGREE to get a JOB so i can even begin to THINK of something like that#my family always jokes about how one day when i'm successful as an author i'll be super rich and have a private jet or whatever#and yeah that just speaks to how poorly they know me but more importantly IF i make it that big i just want to settle somewhere nice#somewhere cozy. maybe start a garden. get a cat. hold a loved one close at night. that's it really#and it sure would be nice if i could have that without having to bend over backwards getting a degree and a 9-to-5 or w/e#but i can't. so throwing myself at the wall that is my shit executive function it is.
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