#but i also cant think of a reason to like him already that isnt egregiously shallow

[destinyesque]

why the fuck do people like vein. i'm genuinely asking, because it seems like the only info we have about him is that he's crazy and eats people either literally or metaphorically. now, i can get down with cannibalism as much as the next guy, but from the way things are looking, there isn't an interesting reason for it. vein just seems like another one of those "batshit insane but for no discernible reason" characters. It's a tired trope already and hardly ever makes for interesting character or drama, but link click--emotionally grounded as it historically has been--is the last place i'd want to see that type. i personally don't see vein as anything more than a bad sign for the series, which is why i'm worried about s3. so i'm genuinely asking: why the fuck do people like vein?

[catenation]

reblogging this over on my Designated Fic Sideblog so that nobody can say tjey Didnt sign up for a whole essay. im gleefully rubbing my hands together im so glad you understand the worms in my brain about all these concepts

nobody else survives the raid, and it sucks exactly as much as youd expect 👍not just because of the trauma either, but how greeds response to it is to basically shove everything behind bars and stay in Boss Mode for bidos sake as well as his own state of mind, and, this is not really helping bido actually because now he feels pressured to Also keep things under wraps and neither of them are talking about it and its agonizing. yaaaay

(although to be fair the angst factor wasnt the only reason i didnt rescue more of the gang. i think keeping greed and bido as "sole survivors" gives them an extra measure of similarity with scar, albeit on a much smaller scale, and it allows for more intimate connections in their newly formed group than if there were more people with established relationships. Also i have so many characters to juggle. already.)

re: the disability thing! viewing chimeras through a disability lens is super interesting to me especially as you mentioned, with the whole divide between those who are more visually chimerified vs those who arent. in terms of real world discrimination parallels i think its the angle that works most directly since being a chimera isnt something youre born into, its something that Happens to you– and just like disabling injuries or illnesses, there are chimeras who wear their "scars" (!!!) with pride, those who view them as neutrally as their non-chimera bodies, and then those who cant see them as anything other than a constant reminder of a traumatizing event

and scar of course falls very squarely in the latter camp. i think because of that, his gut feelings on chimeras are like. pity, revulsion, projecting his own suicidality onto them..... hes a very empathetic person and thats working against him in this case, because he sees somebody who underwent the same kind of trauma as himself and he gets into a spiral about it. i dont think hed go so far as to straight up kill another human chimera like he did with nina, and i also dont think hes consciously thinking of them in a disparaging way either. just that he sees them and he Feels It and hes so sorry that they still have to be alive. & somebody should probably let him know thats a little fucked up. fortunately bido can self advocate

it does indeed take some wrangling to get them to team up and greed being there is the main obstacle because of course he is. scar recognizes the ouroboros from when lust and gluttony beat his ass in the sewers, and greed maybe isnt Outwardly threatening but hes still weird and offputting. so they all need to save each others lives a few times before it really sticks lol

its so funny that you ask about the mei philosophers stone thing, because the main factor driving the xingese ascendancy sideplot is. due to their varying standards of "immortality", greed telling mei hes not immortal makes her think he isnt a solution to her quest. and he in turn fails to mention the stone. therefore she Doesnt immediately drop everything and bring him back to xing. leaving ling free to realize theres a whole homunculus wandering around in the company of his rival, and he needs to Grab! That!! Stone!!! before she figures out she has it

that subplot has been one of my favorite parts to plan out honestly...... ling tends to get pretty egregiously flanderized by the fandom (perchance the #1 winners of the international "you fell for the façade the character is putting up on purpose" awards), and i really enjoy the idea of giving his ruthless pragmatism a chance to shine through. while also of course never letting the audience forget that He Is 15 Years Old

like, here we have a kid who is under impossible pressure, and facing ridiculously slim odds, and yet is skilled and determined enough that he keeps getting barely close enough to taste victory. and then it slips out of his reach again. if a stone HADNT fallen into his lap i think he absolutely would have kept pulling out all the stops to get his hands on one, and given that lanfan already cut off her own arm for him, well..... sunk cost fallacys a hell of a drug

(✨️🎰✨️ 99% of heirs leave amestris right before they hit it big, keep making terrible sacrifices ✨️🎰✨️)

the stone mei winds up bringing back is one of kimblees, the one made from the souls of marcohs team. i feel like thats the only ethical option lmao

SCAR EPILOGUE MAKES ME SO EMOTIONAL AND I AM CLAWING AT THE WALLS ABOUT HOW FAR DOWN THE LINE IT IS. i want to write it NOW..... i know i Could just do it out of order but its a little treat for me waiting at the end yknow. some extra motivation

interestingly, if im remembering correctly it was actually father who taught alchemy to amestris, vs hohenheim who got dug out of that sand dune right outside xerxes and yoinked back to xing. he and father dont seem to have met since then, so the implication i took away was that current alkahestric practices are likely more similar to how xerxes did alchemy, in contrast to how father set up his whole apparatus and taught alchemy in a way that would benefit his purposes

in that sense amestrian alchemy is canonically a perverted version of the original practice– maybe because of that, allowing for the learning of alkahestry/his brothers brand of alchemy Would be a compromise scar could agree to someday

the greed and bido side of thingsssss..... i could ramble about them All Day but most endgame things i still want to keep as my fun little secrets. i CAN at least say that im giving them happy endings, because the sad ones already exist. theyve suffered enough. although i am making them suffer more before they get there so maybe tjats hypocritical of me

one of the main things that im keeping in mind is like. the idea of "home" is something that mei, scar, greed and bido all sort of circle around in different orbits. because you have mei with her home under threat of destruction, trying to prevent it, and then scar greed and bido with their homes already destroyed and wanting to help her because of that. scar having essentially sworn off making anywhere new his home, because theres no replacing what he lost and he cant risk losing anything else. and then greed and bido having lost multiple homes before, and now that theyre adrift again theyre trying to ignore how this latest time theyd both convinced themselves it could be permanent

so. im kind of handing them multiple different options over the course of the thing. greeds old houses, bidos long-lost family, the town of wisteria from the light novels, meis clan in xing, the ruins of the nest. where is their next home going to be. how long will it last. What Is Home Even, how do you keep the danger away. and im hoping i can effectively build up to the conclusion that under oppression, theres no wall you can put up or border you can draw that will magically keep the powers that be from affecting you. every home is a prison until youre free. and who knows if im going to be able to do a theme like that justice, but im armed with 2 rewatches of black sails and a dream in my heart

Also. i decided that in order to have the gang go to briggs for the scars-brothers-journal fetch quest, greed and bido will have to cuddle for warmth the entire time. which is surely a completely practical decision on my part with zero ulterior motivation

god this took so long to write out that the sun is literally setting. thank you so much for your thoughts they fuel me

feasting on all the fantastic au/oc discussion that happens to share several commonalities with my own Scar As A Major Protagonist AU (that i swear im working on very slowly. i just have the curse of perfectionism and i keep going back and reworking things when i should be WRITING,) and its making me want to share my ideas too....

the general starting premise is that instead of getting abducted by bradley, greed manages to escape the raid on the devils nest with bido, and then via a series of dominos the two of them wind up teaming up with mei and then scar shortly thereafter

the entire idea kind of spun out of thinking about how scar would react to actually getting to know a human chimera. his pity for nina– similar to how he seems to view al– is such a goldmine for character exploration to me, because hes gotta be projecting right

like despite the obvious differences in their respective situations, from scars pov he might as well be just as inhuman as nina is, except HE isnt Allowed to die yet because he has a Duty to fulfill. which is both the last thread of self preservation hes grasping at and also a thing he hates himself for doing. its this big tangled up knot of religious guilt and survivors guilt and internalized ableism and the fact that he cant blame his brother for saving him so instead he makes a monster out of himself. and i think if he had the chance to come to terms with a chimera as still being human in all the ways that matter, and talking about those complicated body-humanity-autonomy feelings with someone who gets it on some level, maybe it could help him start to rebuild his sense of personhood

and. just generally. i think if he had more people to hang out with on the regular than Snitchy McLandlord, Self-Flagellant Genocide Collaborator, and One Literal Child. He might maybe perhaps have had better self esteem by the time the moral-superiority-in-incrementalism lecture hall power hour rolled around.

i too am killing kimblee early. scar unfortunately doesnt get to him, but he does get shot, impaled, and finally fall down a big hole and die, which i think is almost as good

scar DOES get to kill envy though. because roy "im mad you killed this one guy i liked. genocide what genocide" mustang doing it was just not as deep a plot point as people think it was. the fight with wrath was good, but i think itd be interesting to end his vengeance quest more somberly- not facing an equally-matched opponent, but putting down a pathetic, weak, spiteful thing that refuses to grow or change

uhhh what else. oh right. mei also takes the throne here, since ling never gets the stone (despite his continued efforts. his character arc is shaped like that of a pendulum. im making him worse) and i think with her at the helm, amestris would have way less leverage in any post-canon negotiations with ishval

Sure of course your super huge and powerful neighbor will help reestablish the cross-desert railroad and enrich your failing economy..... IF and ONLY IF you adhere to ALL the stipulations put forth by the ishvalan leadership council ^_^ the gun im holding? dont worry about it

im giving him so many cats when everythings said and done, however to his consternation hes doomed to wind up a beloved pillar of the community instead of just some guy who gets to hang out with cats. theres a renewed independence movement to organize & also a burgeoning faction of people who argue that because scar uses alchemy and hes cool, maybe god is cool with alchemy some of the time, like as long as youre responsible, to which scar is at the forefront of every debate desperately telling them I Am An Outlier Adn Should Not Have Been Counted

Hell yeah, more AU goodness! 🤩 Trust me, not only do I understand your pain in being caught in a perfectionism loop, but you'll get no judgment from me about taking your time with it too.

Super ecstatic that you decided to share what you've got cooking, so let's go:

Starting off with Greed and Bido is very on brand 😌 Glad he escapes getting liquified and drunken by his core self. I assume that some other members of the Devil's Nest crew survive as well? Or are they all slaughtered, same as in canon? If it's just the two of them left, then man, that's gonna hurt (and the angst~). Maybe we get a revelation that some survived later on?

I dig that Bido and Greed bump into Mei first. I wonder how fresh her arrival in Amestris must be before bumbling into an entire wayward homunculus and human-chimera. Meeting Scar after that would seem so normal in comparison lol

Oh- Oh! Omg wait, that's a fantastic angle to explore. That really taps into his self-hatred in such a unique way that I never thought about before! Alchemy is already a heresy for him that which he cannot separate from himself due to his brother's arm being the sacrifice that saved his life. Yet why wouldn't he see the sanctity of his own body as having been marred by this grave taboo to the point that he hardly sees it as truly human? If he can use this tainted gift to exact vengeance against everyone who tore Ishval to shreds, than even his unholy, "desecrated" body can be put to use. But the way this lashes out against both himself and others who don't want to die simply because someone/the state forcibly transmuted them with other living beings- damn, that's juicy

No seriously, this fuckin' rules! Using the chimera angle to really crack open the darkest pit inside of him, and how Scar's one vestige of purpose is what keeps him from succumbing to his self-flagellating dehumanization. I love that you're looking at this via survivor's guilt, the conundrums of his piety, and even the ableism imbedded in the assumptions on what constitutes a "worthy" body.

On the latter point: I'm curious to see if I understand the every facet of the ableism angle. Is it that chimerification can be seen as a disability brought on by alchemical experimentation (which I can definitely see) in contrast to Scar seeing it as an irrevocable perversion and assault on the human form, thus (in his mind) dooming the victim to be fully inhuman and in need of euthanization? Because again, I can see this as a loaded assumption on a "proper human body" vs a "destroyed, unworthy body", but I feel like I could be missing other potential readings here 🤔 It feels like it's that plus more. Hmmm

Yes, Bido (and maybe some other chimeras?) gets to help Scar navigate the messy bodily-autonomy-humanity Gordian Knot. Surely that has to unravel slowly (it's less Gordian than it may seem lol), since I imagine Scar's initial reaction to Bido must be a... heightened, perhaps pejorative one. To me I would imagine it to be quite dehumanizing (if not outright threatening) towards the poor lizard chimera man. :( Not that Greed would let anything happen to him, but then again Greed revealing himself to be a homunculus would also have to throw Scar for a loop too. We all know Greed can't shut his yap about being one, if he thinks he'll get a rise from someone who can even grasp what that is. Shame he maybe doesn't have Roa around to sledgehammer his entire cranium to smithereens. Unless? (Either that or I imagine that, given potential misgivings, Scar attempts to disintegrate Greed's head and gets the revelation of his homunculus nature right there and then.)

Wait, now I'm just recalling how cold Scar had been upon first meeting Mei when she was chilling with Yoki in canon. (I don't blame him, I'd also ask that bumbling mustachioed twat why the hell there's a random kid hiding out with them.) But now this tween shows up with a homunculus AND a chimera? Dude must have wanted to walk into the ocean lol

LMFAOOOOO STOPPP the way you described the canon party Scar had to travel with 😭😭😭 And the fucking "moral-superiority-in-incrementalism lecture hall power hour" PLEASE

Though tbh yeah, he needed some other folks to bounce off of who weren't former state actors, and, much as Mei is an absolute treasure, some adult company who also don't see him as a monster or a threat (to the extent Yoki and Marcoh do) would be very good for him. This is assuming that he and Bido are on solid terms sooner rather than later, but if Scar still struggles with being around chimeras for some time than maybe it would only be Greed who doesn't shrink in Scar's presence (besides the best kid ever, Mei, who never feared or distrusted him 😌).

Oh man, Mei might not realize that she's become travel buddies with a walking philosopher's stone. :0 Or does she immediately grasp that homunculi hold a stone within their bodies?

A standing ovation is needed for the death you're serving that pompous fascist Kimblee, and then an encore for good measure too. Stupendous, magnificent, and fully deserved. 10/10 The big hole at the end really cements his fate as comedic poetry, really. Scar may not get that personal catharsis, but he should get a front row seat to enjoy the carnage all the same. (Not suggesting that Scar has to be in the scene, just imagining him getting a theatre all to himself with the murder playing on loop while he snacks on some popcorn.)

Scar killing Envy is an intriguing change. Fully agreed that Mustang setting Envy ablaze wasn't that deep, and frankly a pretty lousy scene too. And yeah, Scar getting to fight and kill Wrath in canon was surprisingly good, but given Envy's hand in exploiting the tension of the occupied Ishvalans to jumpstart their genocide, it feels far more relevant to have Scar put them down than fucking Mustang. Envy's writhing pathetic self contrasted to Scar's typically quiet, self-contained demeanour- of course this is coming off of the canon again. However that fight or scene shakes out in your AU may or may not have Scar in that same emotional state.

Ling being denied the stone and what that does to his character isn't explored enough (bless these AUs). "im making him worse" ough that's enticing. Does Ling spiral? Does the worst in him begin to claw through the surface as he more desperately vies for whatever stone is in reach? His position as a moral paragon crumbling as he flails for the seat of power he desires, with his greed looking less and less admirable would be *chef's kiss*

Which makes me realize that the stone that propels Mei into the head of the Xingese empire wouldn't be Greed's stone, right? Perhaps it's Envy's?

But yesssss, Mei leveraging her new power to force Amestris to adhere to the Ishvalan council's demands! No need to worry about the gun, since it's symbolic of the sheer economic devastation that would sweep Amestris if they refuse Ishval whatsoever. :3c

The last bullet point-!!!

Scar gets to have his DOZENS of cats, and and he gets to be LOVED and RESPECTED, he's a- *sniffs* he's a PILLAR of his COMMUNITY- *breaks down into a sobbing fit*

But yes! The Ishvalan Independence Movement is underway and it needs him! He wouldn't let his people down at such an integral point in Ishval's history and future. And I'm goin nuts over the fact that some people are beginning to see alchemy with some renewed nuance, much to the chagrin of Scar, as he sits central to this shift in perspective. Despite what he's seen of Ishvalan alchemy and Xingese alkehestry (fuck Amestrian alchemy, no I don't care that all alchemic practices stem from Hohenheim and Xerxes stfu it's cultural drift goddammit) Scar still being adamant in the teachings he's followed all his life is very in-character. But I can see that slowly eroding and making way for some greater peace with his own brandishing of alchemy alongside his greater acceptance of his body and where his soul sits in Ishvala's eyes. 🥹 And all the cats. All the damn cats he could ever nurture and cuddle!

Ugh I love this AU too! I know you wanted to give me the Scar-centric details, but I'm big time curious about Greed and Bido's side of things. Where this journey takes them, what they have to contend with and what they lose and gain in the process, and what becomes of them. Does Greed get to live on even with the decimation of Father and the other homunculi? Do they rebuild the Devil's Nest? Can Bido live comfortably and openly as a chimera the way the four chimera-men do, or is he destined to continue living in society's underbelly due to not having been 'designed' (so to speak) to shift between a fully human morphology and his animal-infused morphology?

Many many apologies for the time it took to reply. U_U I loved going over the details you've layed out and I can't wait to one day read it 👀 The day this fic starts getting posted I'll be there!

[roughentumble]

If you want to suffer because of timelines, try to figure out when the Black Sun happened in the games/books timeline :D i have a post dedicated to raging about this but Im on mobile so I cant aend it to you to check it out. But I do want to know yoir thoughts on it! The central characters are Syanna (and Anarietta by proxy), pf course Renfri and Deidre. I loom forward to your theories and screaming about the ages

(ALSO! Radovid V is younger than Ciri (i think) and Morvran Voorhis is around 18 in TW3 ("a child accoridng to Imperial Law in 1268", which doesnt specify the age but he seems younger than ciri or her age at the very least; dunno where I heard 18, but eh, close enough). Look at their game designs. Look at them and tell me they look their age)

jaw on the floor. jesus holy hell. i never even noticed that but now i'll never UNnotice it

when the fuck did the black sun happen???

now ok, the thing with deidre is, i never really understood treating her as canon, because there's another fanmade adventure included in the enhanced edition's base game, in which geralt helps santa save christmas and is then raped by an old man in an infirmary. so like, i dont really consider that to be canon to the series. so deidre to me exists in the exact same sort of liminality.

and also like, she just Says Word For Word stuff that renfri said. so she's pretty obviously a renfri clone. it makes for an interesting fan game, and it was definitely well done and compelling! but she's. She Is Renfri, basically. and if they'd had syanna also say things renfri said word for word, they could play it off as intentional, these are things all girls born under the black sun say, this is some aspect of their weird metaphysical powers linking them all. but they DIDNT do that(i dont remember syanna saying anything renfri did), so you cant say that, so it's just renfri's dialogue lifted.

so already i never tried to mentally fit deidre into a timeline that worked, because in my head she never really Worked at all, she was an interesting thought experiment. you would have to fudge the numbers to fit her into canon, is my perspective. (though what if everything with her went down, in the SAME YEAR geralt ended up in blaviken with renfri. spooky. "two drops of water," indeed.)

but even graciously allowing "deidre didnt happen, or if it did it wasnt wholly accurate to the timeline", what the hell is going on with syanna!!!! she and anarietta would have to be like.... in their 60s or something!!! i see a wiki page(though its a fandom.wiki which means its entirely unsourced and basically worthless ugh 🙄) where the curse of the black sun is just being born under AN eclipse, not a SPECIFIC eclipse, but that really feels like cheating.

i could maybe accept an in-universe sorcerer fudging the numbers like that on purpose to get syanna out of the way, if she wasnt favored by him for some reason, but that just straight up isnt what happened in the game. and i refuse to believe that "AN eclipse" is the proper reading OR how cdpr understood the prophecy. its just too much of a stretch

i mean, props to them that they twisted the timeline that severely and i never noticed, quite the narrative slight of hand, but STILL. that is EGREGIOUS. it doesnt make any sense!!! is syanna drinking potions of immortality. how good is annarietta's moisturizing routine, damn. do the people not notice theyre being ruled over by a bratty immortal

also:

MORVRAN IS NOT 18 OH MY GOD I THOUGHT HE WAS LIKE. I DUNNO. 40. MAYBE OLDER. 18 is killing me. like, i had heard that radovid was still a teenager, and while i dont See it and that character design does NOT communicate that... i thought it made some amount of sense for the character to be young, how he acts and how the world treats him. a young despot. i get it.

but MORVRAN he looks so old he acts so old he is OLD in my heart he will always be an annoying old guy 😭 he is middle aged he cares about horse races and has a weird thing going on with that lady he's always hanging out with. that is an Adult Man

[officehrs]

dont you think youre being too harsh by saying he should be able to communicate with you since he’s an adult? your confession could have hurt his image considering how much time he has alloted to you,, what went from fatherly love is now pity, did you really think coming clean about your feelings would repair what was already broken. you are a kid, you are his student,, you need to know your place. your increasing attachment to him made you lose sight of what was important about the bond you shared

again thanks anon for the questions,, idk if u are the same person or a different one but either way i do really appreciate it!! it makes me think much more critically of how i perceive our relationship and everything that has happened in its course ,, with that being said, this will certainly be a longer post than usual, just so im able to explain everything.

i highly encourage all of you read this — i explain why i sort of hate him now, how i confessed, how he has changed, and why our relationship cant work anymore.

i should clarify that in my other post, i said “he should be able to communicate since he's an adult” not as something i believe now, but something i believed at the worst of our relationship some weeks ago. though this is an idea that subconsciously lingers (because i believed it so intensely!!), since then, i have experienced events in my personal life that have required me to “grow up,” even more, contrary to what i might project here. to believe he has inherent malicious intent or inherent insensitivity in everything he does surrounding me is completely at odds with how i see humanity as a whole. it wasnt and isnt justified, but i was really just desperate to see that immediate reparation of our relationship like you described, and to me it wouldve been, ideally, this sudden blooming and everything being good between us again. but this is impossible, and i wish i could have warned my earlier self of that much more!! he has experienced things that have changed him since last year and i have experienced things that have changed me also. this is something im trying to accept now.

though i was very childish in my reasoning for choosing to confess, i didnt do it without thinking. for that reason, i fight back more strongly against the idea that my confession could have hurt his image in any way. i loved him and i was extremely saddened by him when i wrote what i did, but i did not want to hurt him so inconsiderately, costing his job or reputation for something that (as i wrote, and as u acknowledge) was literally my fault — that being, my attachment to him 😬 so, i did everything in my power to ensure that this would be private and really only painful for myself. its not easy to confess, i promise!! but anyway, i dont remember if i shared this detail (like my other post), but the confession itself was in the form of a letter, sealed by an envelope that i gave to him directly with no one else around. the contents were, then, completely discreet. as for the confession itself, i shared very sensitive and specific information (like being gender non-conforming and the name i go by, which ive never told anyone, and more details about not having emotionally present parents). this essentially means that the only way the confession could hurt his image is if he told someone about its contents, or anything about it at all, which would be an egregious act on his part — he would be the only method of damaging his image, and in fact, he already has throughout the year!! his students tend to feel that he unfairly treats them, and find him pretty stubborn and unlikable. people loved him a lot more last year when he was more free and caring, including me jsladksjks

but dont be mistaken, anon,, you undeniably speak truth in other things said, and im grateful that you can derive that fundamental truth from what i post here, which i unfortunately have to manipulate (in minor ways) in order to protect myself and r, and really everyone. one thing i absolutely enjoy is how you articulated the change in our relationship ("fatherly love to pity") because its very brief, yet applicable in its entirety; in all its implications. although its a bit painful to see him see ME as this sad character who never experiences joy, its for all the wrong reasons. honestly, in my last post i lied — he didnt feel guilty for treating me like garbage, but he felt guilty for recommending me things to do during this time, which i expressed in the confession and after is NOT the problem. this misunderstanding is something that cant be fixed, though. his ideological change prevents him from seeing the reality of the situation the way i see it, because he would have to change the way he sees reality as a whole; if this happened a year ago, he would not pity me at all. i know this sounds very wrongfully confident, but it is true. people complain about him now, and i dont enjoy his presence anymore because he believes in things that oppose the lives of his students. my confession was then even more immature because i thought, basically “i could fix him” 😵‍💫

in this, you are right anon: i am just a kid. i have proven it time and time again in this post alone!! but, you must understand: i am NOT his student, and i havent been this entire year. when we talked monday, 5/16/22 (the same day i cited in my last post) he also said that in many ways, he is not my teacher. in academic terms, i am not his student — i am an assistant to him who helps the people he actually, actively teaches. in attachment terms, i have horribly turned him into a replacement of my father. and in occupational terms, i have surpassed him intellectually in the subject he used to “privately teach” me about, and therefore, he cant really teach me anymore. when i say privately teach, i mean he would tell me things and give me books to read about the subjects we both had interest in (philosophy, and the social sciences), when i would see him after school. but, because he knew very little about both, i quickly became much more knowing of both areas than he is with what he gave me and my own private study. of course, he knows way more about the subjects he formally teaches (film and lit) than i do, but these i am not really interested in, so he could not teach me unless the material is stuff that im not passionate about. there's more, but i dont want to sound like im bragging, and im sure im not making this any clearer ,,, anyway, overall, i agree with you; though im not his student, i need to know my place. and again, this is something i have been trying to reinforce to myself.

i wanted to add a transition to this by saying the last thing brought up is something that i should clarify, but it cant be clarified because i havent ever said it. nevertheless, let it be known that my increasing attachment to him — at least as i perceive it — is not what made me “lose sight of what was important about the bond [we] shared.” i would argue, even, that i never lost sight of what was important about our relationship. but the issue is that his incompatible views of life (in my view) and his constant maltreatment of me and other people (like my best friend too, actually), have been fueling a decreasing attachment to him. really, my only attachment to him now is to how he made me feel and what he once was.

for the both of us, its best that we do not talk to each other anymore, and this is something i wrote in my confession. additionally, my confession has always served as my ultimate presentation of the truth about our relationship. to r, he was glad to be told the truth, and as he said it the day after i gave him the letter, he would rather know than not to know. to me, last year, i wanted to confess the same way on the day i would graduate, and i finally got to do it this year, although at a completely unplanned time. and with this, i conclude my response 🐇

im very sorry if this is incomprehensible — ive been writing this response for 3 hours now, and im extremely worn from it.. regardless, thank you anon for giving me the opportunity to explain,, please continue to do so by raising those questions (you or anyone else)!!

[gayspock]

ok trek dump of recent thoughts

- i really cant remember much about the reckoning, as an episode - except for... well. its just, its so strange. it FELT like what happened in there should have been important but it really didnt feel like much to me. and again ive said it before- but it IS such a shame, bc i really, really do want them to explore bajor and the prophets more, and do them a good service, but... ehhh id otn know.

- i really, liked valiant though. nog and jake centred eps, i feel, are actually generally some favourites- theyre both VERY lovable, you know, but also... realistic, in a very specific way? familiar. like ive said before: theyve really NAILED writing characters that are of that age, as most stuff either makes them too stupid or too mature and i think theyre the right level of very component dumbass pieces of shit. and i think their faults really just... help realise

- that being said i wouldnt even consider valiant a nog and jake story necessarily. obviously it is about them, and they are important but yo uknow like... i just really like that they revisited red squadron. on so many different levels. like, not only does this kind of pull back the curtain on starfleet itself- the fact that yes, babe, it IS a military ... and obviously that has been approached during the run of ds9 a lot already, but this explores... that whole other gross aspect of how predatory and brainwashing it is. these, like, kids (i mean? young adults- i would assume theyre MY ageish, at oldest which not right at all there babe) being so willing to die. and moreover its also like...

- ok im not going to engage in wesleydiscourse bc honestly this isnt abt him but OK LET ME. let me touch on it a LITTLE. gifted kid narratives in stories... i very rarely like them , and sorryyyyy for the amount of talk im abt to do abt gifted kid syndrome etc. etc. bc i KNOW!! BITCH, i know, but like... see the thing is: in principle i dont hate the idea of exploring, like, extremely gifted and young individuals. but the writing never... does it right. there was a lot of that with wesley in early tng- WHICH, by the way? its one of the reasons why i do like to defend this little guy (other than the fact i think ppl are fucking WEIRD) bc like. i really do not think wesley himself was annoying but instead it was literally. all of the early tng writing which sucked so fucking badly.

and i think with lots of "gifted children" characters they weirdly infantalise them but also jsut. make them totally infallible in the weirdest fucking ways. like i said: early tng is written soooo rough, babe... but i remember there were so many episodes where characters would just be bent out of shape and written to act stupid as hell, so that wesley can do the smart thing. which is like. again i see why people are then annoyed at wesley in that case but frankly. it jsut doesnt... READ right at all like. you just made everyone kinda frustrating to watch in this episode. if you WANT wesley to save the day theres more elegant ways to do this than just... screwing over everyone but ok. its like you have to be more balanced with your approach here my love.

(and it was most egregious with wes, but frankly- hell... theres lots of picard instances, too, in tng that kinda just make me roll my eyes. where its like- the ENTIRE episode plot will not include picard at all. it will be narratively unsatisfying for him to conclude the episode's issue, rather than the people actually involved who have DONE all of the legwork todeal with the situation, and wherein it would actually MEAN something if they get to do the resolution. but then they just.... randomly bring in picard to do a speech to end the episode anyways. and its like i get it hes the captain, you want him to look sooooooooooooo competent- but i literally... do not want to see that bald cunt right now. its like its just SLOPPY you know bc if you want to have that moment of picard making a speech, then write the context for it? actually build it up? dont jsut... randomly slap it in like my goodness gracious. bc again ur just... robbing other characters and doing him himself a disservice bc ur just kinda. making it more irritating than anything anyways OMG)

omg im getting sooo off topic and anyways its WHY i liked wesley a hell of a lot more in later stories, his last one with the traveller notwithstanding (as they... literally went back to insisting he was oh so special just? for no reason!? i guess??? and putting him on a weird pedestal- which is so... contrary to what they'd done more recently). bc its never HIM who was irritating but literally. tng incompetence early on. LIKE, for example!? his run-in at starfleet academy, where he almost got expelled... that was literally my favourite wesley ep i think. like i WANTthat you know. i wanna see a little guy whos very clever and talented and does have a good heart- like give it to me, baby.... but i want you to actually write me a character whos living that life rather than writing an episode around a character whos just that if that literally makes any sense.

- anyways where was i im so rambly im very ill have i mentioend that i mean im not very ill but ive been wrong in the head for days

but yeah . thats what a lot of these cadets also really felt like. where they are all clearly extremely gifted and intelligent and wonderful kids but also... very fallible in their own rights. and i think its also like- theres a self awareness here that i also really appreciate and its actually ok.

ok BACK to wesley discourse for a SHORT, short second. i feel bad im about to vague someone here i dont mean it in ill intent but someone in a tag (NO idea who it even was but hmm i cant remember if the post circulated a lot or if it was a rando personal one- it just stuck with me, and either way idc abt op i dont mean it this way but like) ppl hate wes bc they hate ND kids - or at least, it was that effect and i think yes i agree thats ehrm. definitely a motivating factor but i do also feel... very uncomfortable as an ND person who was also a "gifted kid"- and i know eye roll babe, eye roll but like... my actual point here is like... ehrm. the white audacity of that<3.?! HELP SORRY ITS JUST- yes i do think its facilitated by that, but also... please dont just... flat iron the whole thing bc there ARE some parts of wes' situation specifically regarding his NDness that do kinda. make me uncomfortable with the way hes treated. BECAUSE its the (white) culture of gifted kid burnout on tumblr dot com just being. infuriating and insufferable so so fucking much of the time. like YES. yes i agree it all sucks a lot. its- its bad, and again i KNOW babe its not right bc ive also been there too but like... we all also got fucked over for one, and furthermore... you are very much sorta going over your own privilege here like. sorry to say that babe sorry but its just- bc thats.... what i see a lot of when i look at wes also. and the script is never aware of that like

yes i think hes a lovely boy and whatnot. but you cannot deny... the absurd special treatment you have to get, where you're allowed to work on the bridge of the flagship of starfleet bc you've been clever once or twice and the captain was besties with your dead dad . like its . exactly how gifted and talented classes work irl: select kids are cherrypicked, and not by any proper metric, to be handed more opportunities and to be given a leg up in literally EVERYTHING... and not only that theres. and theres- again theres some eps in particular with wes- god.im sorry i cant remember which ones its been so long since early tng for me rn but its like (squeezes myself) HMM WHAT WAS IT. where like wesley will say something thats "right" and ppl wont exactly take him seriously and its like thats shown as a bad thing and i agree its not good that they dont listen to him all the time, but also.. i do not at all feel comfortable with the way the show used to sometimes reward him, bc he was "cleverer" than everyone else and went over everyones heads to do what he thought was correct? like- again uh... gifted kid environments. ive known so many ND white boys especially who just... get off so easy with shit and praised for stuff like that and its not right and its not fair and i KNOW its not that deep within the context of the show. (LIKE IM BEING WAYYYY TOO SDIOGJSDGPJS- like fyi i dont rllyhate wes. frankly i should be taking potshots at aos kirk because i KNOW hes way , way, way fucking worse, but im aware of the plot of aos and thats it i havent seen it because i know it would boil my blood) but the way its written babe you know what i mean... like yes things did all work out- bc its fiction, and thats how its written- but also you just cant guarantee that! and yes i know its sorta elitist to insist that ppl have to have went through starfleet to be respected in SOME ways but also... like. i do think that without adequate, rigorous training and being tested that your expertise, YES, should sometimes not always be listened to!? bc like- youre on a fucking spaceship, babe!!! like- i know hes clever.. but also im like. cringing a lot bc i dont think smartness should just GET you such amazing opportunities, like... im thinking of all the ppl in starfleet who probably worked tooth and nail and proved themselves repeatedly through hard work and its like... bestie arent ANY of them allowed to have work experience on the flagship. why is it that the kid that hangs about but they see him and theyre like wow hes pretty smart. let him do it i guess like its just- SORRY omg im taking this too personally here... my point is its that sort of. privilege that comes with a lot of white, nd boys who like. yaaayyyy.... their nd qualities definitely do not get them treated right, but theyre let off the hook way too often whereas like. poc and many girls are treated like. absolute fucking dogshit. and often traumatised in very serious ways by the education system because of the racism and vilified and never afforded the same opportunities. black kids,other kids of colour esp... they'll be called rude and violent and all sortsa bs if they ever. TRIED any of this- and you know, anyways i might delete this all bc this is too ranty andits getting less abt wes now and more about the general culture of fucking gifted burnout kid syndrome thats been pissing m off so much again recently its sick in the head my g

ANYWAYS my point is. i loved this episode bc what they DID with red squad was like- like i said. tng was never self-aware with the ways wes got major favouritism and therefore could never criticise it. whereas HERE... its really showing 1) how that facilitates such a fucked up fucking culture, because you CAN be so talented all you please but sometimes you really do NEED the experience, you need to have lived through things before you make big decisions to fully fathom what you're doing. wow my god: of course it feels so good to say we WILL risk it all, we KNOW we must be right! but sometimes theres things you just wont anticipate and you also jsut.... its so good to saayyy that but you have to really fucking know what youre risking sometimes and 2) how that in of itself can give these kids such a fucking . complex and how this pressure isnt right to put on them its fucking them up too and like... this closed system of kids who are absolutely convinced theyre special and good enough to be doing all of these things and that they know just as much as the adults who do these things and can therefore make these executibe decisiosn my goddd and THE BRAINWASHING BITCH. i think i rambababled abt that above and up there didnt i just. whereinits like- theyre DEDICATED to this way, to dying for this cause like.... girl this is fucking horrifying? like this is a franly horrifying insight into what starfleet is cultivatinfg, whether this specific thing was intentional or not the actual... structure of thought they instilled in these fuckin kids man . hi. like-

-i thibk ineed to shut up it wasnt that good i cant keep talking like this for a bajorian years bc i just got sidetracked there soo badly eek l olz

- i cant go into detail with profit and lace. theres not. i cannot fucking unpack that. what i WILL say, if you literally cut out the plot itself and what this episode is doing, structurally... they really are improving with the ferengi eps otherwise. early ds9 ferengi eps just really did not do it for me but a lot of these later ones usually hit the right tone and humour and pacing that it works. like this episode obviously fucking sucks but like.. again. structurally. functionally? i donr know. im not very good at analysis isnt it quite clear... #womeninstem #ihaventdoneenglishsincegcse<3 so im never quite sur ehow to PUT it omg its not my talent is it girlie. hrm. theres just this certain RHYTHM to the script now that just feels so right- even if the actual episode itself sucks... like theyre honing the art of writing ferengi eps i guess. wherein the earlier ones they weren't quite right: both in subject matter, but also more primarily that execution and now ... these ones yeah they do kinda rock with involving so many of them and leaning more and more into the comedy that really works well. but this episode is still rotting from the inside. in ways i cant even think of because they begin to melt me.

- ....

- ITS JUST!

- HHHOW BABE HEDLP HOW CAN YOJ... ITS LITERALLY EVEN WORSE THAN TURNABOUT INTRUDER. ITS LITERALLY EVEN WORSE. IT- I.... holy shit. holy shit. SCREAM.

- AND ITS IN THAT WAY AGAIN WHERE THEYRE JUST BEING SO OFFENSIVE HALF THE TIME I WANT TO SAY well now its just getting camp (takes it and twists it because youve literally gone so wrong somewhere parts of this are just hysterical in ways you could never have fathomed)<3 like the WEIRD. VAGUE FUCKIG...

- BUT QUARK DID FUCK THAT GUY, YEAH? QUARK... QUARK DID... YOU GUYS MADE THAT HAPPEN I AM BAFFLED. AS TO LIKE. I MEAN YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS VERY FUNNY BUT ALSO- QUARK LITERALLY..... SORRY..... NO IM NOT . I CANT TOUCH THIS AND WHAT HAPPENED HERE.

- anyways onto the ep i watched and actually i was going to just comment on this one: times orphan i feel soo bad bc .ehrm oops (blushes) i... really want to like this but its just... its not quite right here is it my love

- like i feel like a combination of: 1. the key themes of this episode have been done way better by other episodes of trek; 2. the extremely weak writing between the o'briens as a unit makes this really hard for me to care, because like you quite literally just ship keiko and molly and yoshi off constantly like... frankly i really was just expecting them to leave molly in the past like that and for there to be no fucking bearing on miles or the rest of the show... bc i literally do not think there would be even if you did that; 3. and theres just some decisions in here that jsut... dont WORK you know? worf trying to bond with yoshi- oh thats ehrm. sweet. and it does git with this ep i guess but like?a very horrifying thing has happened and it just- it feels like... cant we focus on that. this is another one of those eps where it WOULD be hardhitting if you cut out the B-plot. even if its thematically relevant it jsut... i really would rather focus on the pretty horrific thing thats just gone on and its also like. ahhghmmeerr ok hang on not and lasty bc; 4. and LASTLY it just feels like. hm. ok im going to be honest im very autistic and i have issues so osmeitmes i just get confused but it jsut... feels like the way people were reacting to this situation!? were NOT .... NORMAL.... !? like i like that keiko got frustrated- that makes sense that they wouldnt totally understand molly but its also like... nmy ggod it felt like they so easily and readily accepted that this happened to her. i know you guys are adjusted to trauma but- you guys seemed kinda calm1? and then so easily decided to let her go back and i think thats like. again a consequence of the above point wherein i feel like you werent really immersing us in this and its just a matter of execution AND also the second point but it sjsut i dont know... i just feel like i did not care my love. and i should of my goodness me. like i would have liked better focus on the strain and- the actual consequences of this rather than just... a very superficial look at how molly is acting like. i dont know but its also very hard to do that with molly and keiko because uhm. like i said you really havent built proper characters to work with, have you hmmm? have you ds9!? noo yiu havent! <3

anyways end of ramble i need to sjut up