#but how the hell am i supposed to forgive him for letting ace die! that's unforgivable! you can't make excuses for him!!!!

[witchof-hearts]

if my friend is about to fault me for not liking MONKEY "CHILD ABUSE" GARP, I SWEAR TO GOD,

[softjaehyvn]

saudade ;; n. jm

genre ;; angst

part of the collab with @hangsxng

tw ;; car accident ; major character death !

Jaemin was happy. For the first time since he had lost you, he had been a wreck; none of his friends were able to check up on him because he simply didn't let them.

With time, he finally got used to the fact that you weren't there anymore, he finally opened up to his friends. He talked more with them; he spent more time with them.

From time to time, he had these moments where he was only connecting everything he saw to memories he had with you.

"What are you thinking of, Jaemin?"

He looked up to Mark. Jaemin only shook his head. "It's nothing. I just zoned out", he answered.

"Yeah, sure. Don't lie, Jaemin. You were thinking about her again, right?"

"Don't you dare to mention her!", Jaemin practically exploded as Donghyuck asked him about you. "I'm slowly getting over it and now you're here, mentioning her again. Do you want me to ghost you again?"

All the males shook their heads. It was a horrible time as Jaemin had been mourning all alone, not letting any of the boys help him and be there for him. They all knew how much he had loved you until the day, you had decided to leave him and then, drive around and not looking properly around you.

He would never forget how he had followed you with his car and saw how the black mini had crashed into you, both car's pieces flying around. He would never forget how he immediately stopped his car and ran out just to see you in your car, everywhere was so much blood.

He tried to pull you out of the car and as he finally did it, he looked at you. There were a few pieces of broken glass in your skin; Jaemin didn't want to know how much in pain you were.

"Jaemin."

He looked down on you as you weakly said his name.

"Shh, don't talk. Don't waste your energy. They already called the emergency. They will save you, baby, they have to."

You only shook your head.

"No. I don't want them to save me. I'm sorry for breaking your heart, Jaemin. I'm so sorry. I love you so much but I can't live with the knowledge that I hurt you. The reason why I broke up with you is that I cheated on you. For a few weeks. I'm sorry, Jaemin. please forgive me. I love you."

These were your last words before your body was only still, you didn't move at all nor breathed.

You were dead.

Jaemin let out a loud sob, he couldn't believe you would die right after you told him that you loved him.

"Y/N. Please, don't do this to me. Please", he cried out and softly shook your body. He was so helpless, he didn't know what to do. There was so much blood around him that he felt like he was going to throw up.

"Sir, you have to let her go. we have to do our job", someone told him and he looked up. He didn't realize what was going on and he only pulled you on his lap.

"I can't. I'm so sorry, I can't", he cried.

"I know, it hurts. but you have to, sir, we have to do our job", the man insisted. Finally, the man managed to get Jaemin away from you.

"Can I come with you? I... I need to say goodbye to her", his voice was shaky and his body was also shaking. The paramedic only nodded and accompanied him to the ambulance.

The whole drive to the hospital where everything was supposed to be finished up was a hell of a ride. Jaemin couldn't stop sobbing and he was sure that the driver was fed up with him at this point so he tried to keep it down as much as possible.

"Was she your girlfriend?", the man suddenly asked him, making him jolt up. Then he only nodded, wiping his tears away.

"Yeah.. we were together for around two years and she broke up with me today. She didn't say any reason so I followed her and ended up seeing that car crashing into hers", Jaemin answered.

"I'm sorry for your loss. I'm Yoonoh by the way. Friends mostly call me by my birth name Jaehyun but Yoonoh works too", the male introduced himself.

"Jaemin", he introduced himself.

"Aren't you that vocal ace from Seoul's Performing Arts University? the one who's like super famous around here and on social media?", Jaehyun chuckled.

"I'm not that famous", Jaemin laughed a little before he saw the bright lights around the hospital. Suddenly, he remembered everything again; the car crash, you admit that you broke up with him because you cheated on him, the blood around him, and you dying in his arms.

"So... here we are, I guess", Jaehyun sighed. "Do you want me to accompany you? I got some time now, I can be there with you if you want."

"No, thanks. But.. do you have your phone there? I forgot mine in my car", Jaemin then asked him and thanked the other male as he held the phone in his hands. He called Taeil at first.

"Who is this?", Taeil groaned into the microphone; he probably was already sleeping since it's past midnight already and Taeil had to work early the next day.

The second Jaemin heard his hyung's voice, he broke down into tears again.

"Hey, Jaemin. breathe in", the male on the other phone told him to and breathed in loudly, "and out."

Jaemin followed his instructions and felt calmer only a few moments later.

"Now tell me what happened."

Before he could talk, Jaehyun just took his phone again and told Jaemin that he could go to the morgue so the police could identify his girlfriend's identity.

"I'll explain what happened to her. You have to go. You're one of the few witnesses of the accident", Jaehyun had told him and Jaemin nodded.

Jaemin went inside the hospital and entered the elevator to go downstairs to the morgue. While he was waiting for someone to bring him to his now-dead girlfriend, he just sat down.

"Na Jaemin?", someone called his name. He looked up to see a man, standing in front of him.

"My name is Bang Chan. As I heard, you were the witness of the accident?" as Jaemin nodded, the man continued. "Can you tell me what exactly happened?"

Jaemin sighed softly, nodding then.

"I... fought with my girlfriend, Im y/n. She is one of the victims of the accident. She broke up with me, saying that she would never forgive herself for hurting me. I had no idea what she was talking about so I decided to follow her after she left my place. She kept on getting faster and suddenly, I only heard the crash. I stopped my car immediately and saw her between her seat and the airbag. It was very hard, but I somehow managed to pull her out of the car. I don't know who was at fault and caused the accident but this is what happened", he told the man.

Chan had been writing everything Jaemin told him down. "Thank you. could you follow me now to identify the body?", he asked Jaemin.

Jaemin got up and followed the young police officer. He was shaking as the man brought the first body and he closed his eyes, scared to see your dead body. But the body the officer showed him wasn't you. It probably was the other man who had also died because of the car accident. Jaemin shook his head.

"I don't know who this is. Never saw him", Jaemin said and breathed in deeply. He wasn't ready to see your dead body but he had to get over with it. Maybe it would help him to finally be able to realize that you're gone and that you would never be back. Never be able to cuddle him whenever he had a bad day. Never be able to kiss him when you just felt like it.

You were gone.

He finally realized that as Chan showed him the second body which was yours.

"That's her. That's my girlfriend. Y/N. I can give you the phone number of her older brother, Im Jaebeom", as the officer accepted, he pulled out his phone and told him the number.

"I'm fine. I am. I feel so much better after her death. But please, never mention her again. I can't handle that", Jaemin then said, he was much calmer than he was before and Donghyuck nodded.

"I'm sorry. I won't mention her again. Sorry for bringing up memories", Donghyuck apologized. Jaemin only shook his head and smiled.

"I'm okay."

main taglist ; @wownajaemin​ @n8dlesoupguk​ @winniet​ @loviehyuck​ 

[jaydicksummerexchange]

JAYDICK EXCHANGE: SEPTEMBER 3

[ ❤ Works posted so far! ❤ ]

SECOND TO LAST DAY OF THE JAYDICK EXCHANGE!

Why the second to last instead of the last? That’s because we’ve reached 114 Exchange works for 2020! The more treats get added, the more we time we add to our juicy cabooses and keep the exchange train rolling. Until Saturday that is. Tomorrow is the final posting date, and we’ll reveal the wonderful participants on September 5 no matter what. 

Here are today’s releases!

Claws by anonymous for solomonara [ART, Not Rated, No Archive Warnings Apply, Dick Grayson/ Jason Todd] 

Additional Tags: FanartHurt/Comfort, Injured Jason, Secret Identity, dick's teams don't know the red hood's identity, dick's harem of morally ambiguous older men, dick: he's not older, dick: wait i mean he's not my villain boyfriend, dick: damn it

Summary: Dick takes the Red Hood to a Titan safehouse after an injury. Explanations are expected.

Learning To Love The Fall by anonymous for 3isme [ART, Teen, No Warnings Apply, JayDick] 

Additional Tags: Fanart, Alternate Universe - 1920s, Mechanic Jason Todd, Plane Pilot Dick Grayson

Summary:  It's the early 1900s and the country of Gotham is recovering from a long war.

Trying to get a better life, Jason Todd has been moonlighting as an underground plane mechanic for illegal aeroplane racers, getting a cut of whatever the pilot wins. After one particular competition, he's accused of sabotage and, despite his protests, forced into deeper debt. At the end of his rope, he runs into Dick Grayson, ex-ace of the Gotham Air Force and supposed dead man. The war hero was supposed to have been shot down near the end of the war. Regardless, this pilot is the best chance Jason has to grab hold of that better life, and he's not going to let it go.

The Still and Quiet Surface by anonymous for TheWayneManner [FIC, General Audiences, No Warnings Apply, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd] 

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Merpeople, Gift Fic, Ficlet

Summary: Dick leaves the sea behind and never looks back.

Scents & Sensibility by anonymous for Nitrojen [FIC, Explicit, No Warnings, JayDick] 

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Regency, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Fae, References to Jane Austen, although the writer has a pretty dark secret concerning our dear friend jane, Getting to Know Each Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added

Summary: Prompt - Something along the lines of the Princess and the Pea. It can be A/B/O, modern, fantasy, or even something that takes place in canon where there's some kind of curse. Have fun with it! 

Give It A Shot (of espresso) by anonymous for morimaiter [FIC, Teen, No Warnings, Dick Grayson/ Jason Todd] 

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Hurt/Comfort, Barista Jason Todd, Flirting, Awkward Flirting, Sexual Tension, JayDick Summer Exchange, very minor injury, art included

Summary: Dick was one of their regulars. And yes, that was his real name. The first time he’d asked Jason to write it on his cup Jason had given him a death glare until the man had whipped out a driver’s license to prove it. ‘Richard John Grayson’, printed right there. It hadn’t been an innuendo after all, just an unfortunate choice of nickname. He came into Gotham Grinders (and hell if Jason hadn’t heard enough innuendos about that name to make up for any lack of innuendo in Dick’s own) every Tuesday and Friday, which happened to always be Jason’s shifts. Every time he asks for some new over-the-top order, and every time without fail he also asks for Jason’s digits. Jason replies every time with:

“I’m sorry sir, we can’t give out personal information to customers. Will that complete your order?” 

(Fic + Art)

Lazy Days by anonymous for BehindTheRobinsMask [ART, Teen, No Warnings, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd] 

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Married Life, Married Couple, Established Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Literal Sleeping Together, Lazy Mornings, Domestic Fluff, Fanart

Summary:  It's the weekend! Jason and Dick sleep in after a long night on the streets.

Taken in the Butt by the Gay Vigilante Acro-Bird by anonymous for solomonara [ART, Teen, No Warnings,  JayDick] 

Additional Tags: Romance Novel, Cover Art, Jason Todd is an Author, Partial Nudity, Birds, Vintage Gay Pulp Novels, Chuck Tingle-Adjacent, Please Forgive me, FanartDigital Art, JayDick Summer Exchange

Summary: The Red Hood has a secret: he's a part-time romance novelist.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Between The Devil And The Deep Blue Sea by anonymous for stribird (timidGoddess) [FIC, Mature, No Warnings Apply, Dick Grayson/ Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Heavy Angst, Self-Doubt, Lazarus Pit, Panic Attacks, Established Relationship, Bad Decisions, Romantic Fluff, Amnesia, Broken Promises, Road Trips, On the Run

Summary: Jason couldn’t do that. He could never forget what Dick meant to him. Which is why he had to bring his Bluebird back. Which is why he had to remind Dick of everything that he had lost.

Even if that meant forcing him into the Lazarus Pit. Even if it meant cursing him in the process.

tell your boyfriend, if he says he's got beef, that i'm a vegetarian (and i ain't fucking scared of him) by anonymous for prompt_fills [Mature, No Warnings Apply, Dick Grayson/ Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Fluff and Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, Damian Wayne is a Little Shit, Protective Damian Wayne, POV Damian Wayne, Batman: Reborn, Jason Todd has a Heart, Damian Wayne Has a Heart, Dick Grayson is Damian Wayne’s Parent, Dick Grayson is Batman, Mutual Pining, enemies to idiots to lovers, Misunderstandings, Damian Wayne Plays Therapist, Jason Todd is Bad at Feelings, Dick Grayson is Bad at Feelings, My Continued Mocking of Tim Drake (it's loving i swear), Donna Troy is a goddess and no one deserves her, My love for Donna Troy is so strong that I projected it onto Damian and I am not sorry, Unbetaed we die like Jason Todd refuses to, Past Dick Grayson/Slade Wilson, Jealous Jason Todd, Pining Dick Grayson, BAMF Donna Troy AND MORE

Summary: It had taken a few weeks for Damian’s ill-fated hopes for the more platonic explanation of Grayson’s unseemly conduct regarding Todd to expire because Damian (unlike Drake) is not an idiot (and Brown had prattled on about every instance of very clearly not platonically fueled tension, slowly crushing Damian’s remaining hopes for Richard’s taste in romantic partners). Denial, heavenly as he has now known it to be, can only take one so far. And as a pragmatist and the grandson of the great Ra’s al Ghul and son of the great Bruce Wayne, he assesses the situation from a logical perspective, free of any emotions clouding his impeccable judgment, and comes up with a solution that benefits both himself and Grayson.

Jason Todd must die.

Or the story of how Damian Wayne became the number one shipper of JayDick and is not at all happy about it.

Si solo fueras tú by anonymous for fallogory [ART, Gen, Creator Chose No Warnings, Dick Grayson/Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Fanart, Kid Dick Grayson, Adult Dick Grayson, Kid Jason Todd, Adult Jason Todd, King Bruce Wayne, Prince Damian Wayne, Prince Dick Grayson, Poor Jason Todd, Hurt Dick Grayson, Jealous Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug

Summary: Blue came first

Then Green arrives

Then Blue meet Red

And Green hate that

Or where Dick was Bruce's bastard child who was forced to lived like a prince until Damian's born and meet someone who make his world be upside down.

the smell of cold stone by anonymous for abcission [FIC, Mature, No Warnings Apply, Dick Grayson/ Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Dick Grayson, Autumn, American Football, College Football, Blow Jobs, First Time Blow Jobs, Getting to Know Each Other, Getting Together, referenced Jason/Kyle, Past Dick Grayson/Koriand'r, Past Dick Grayson/Roy Harper, past dick grayson/wally west - Freeform, implied Roy/Kory, implied Roy/Wally, implied Donna/Kyle, future besties Jason and Roy, Roy's eternal crush on Donna, frat boy Dick, Fluff

Summary: Their eyes meet on the quad one day; he’ll probably never see the frat boy again, but he’ll be nice fodder for Jason’s dreams at least.

[thelordstears]

I think it’s time to show some lines and how much I’ve improved eh?

“ You see, we're all living our lives confined in this little, locked room, we store our thoughts here, our dreams, our doubts, our darkest confessions. But the right people come along with a key and find the real us quivering in a corner of ourselves we fear with all our fuckin' might. All of humanity fears. And so in the span of a blink life created death to separate what is bad, and what is good. “ - Shawn Werdelstein

“ I look deep into my eyes and I swear I can see her darkness flickering in my damn eyes, she took my heart in her murderous stride, flaying me of all my salvation, tellin' me I was nothin' more then livestock on her farm of delicacies and delights. “ - Lupin Rinderez

“In the end I was never really human in the eyes of those who hate me, was I? I was always a toy to those more wicked then I, and so I have rotted in a chest of forgotten dolls and stitched together souls lost to time." - Ingretta Shazowlla

“ Some men are born for prison. They're raised in a cell, and told this is all you can ever be, and when they finally scratch their way out of that prison, they start to get homesick, so they find themselves a new cell, a new Hell, a new home away from home. Chaos is peace ta the broken man. “ - Francis Killvawhile

“ Karma doesn't care about how small the sin was, she just reaps. “ - Scarla Scottaine

“ There's something foreign about an empty bed, something unfamiliar about holding my own hand, it's like love is a language we speak, and when it leaves us we can no longer speak the language of the loveless, because we're already native in the country of love. “ - Finn Desandra

“ The darkness of my past caught up to me and killed the kind pure hearted man I thought I'd forever be, I was always doomed to become a reflection of my father. But with these bloodied and cracked pieces of me I'll bleed him with broken pieces of his reflection. “ - Alviro Conritz

“Isn't it funny? How men and women alike will pull a trigger on another when faced with a gun at their own heart, held steady in the hand of a man who never misses?” - Remington Burlwitz

“ I am Eve luring Adam to his fate.” - Belle Nalroma

“ I am a grave of fireflies and ravens whom head out to war, a wolf of death and anguish that drove me to madness. Don't you call me a freak, I'm just a little bit different, my mind is an eternal state of flickering emotion and madness that has never left me be. In truth the firing of this rifle is the only thing that keeps me alive, it is the beating of my heart and the howl in my soul, so dare you fire back with pieces of your heart shattered in the bullets? “ - Luther Woolhaun

“ I feel like a blank slate that's always re-written. “ - Wendell Ace

"I look at who I am with judgmental eyes.” - Earl Mumford

“ Believe the tales of dead men, they have a perspective like no other. “ - Earl Mumford

“ Stepping up to me ain't a fucking war, it's an execution disguised as such. “ - Saul Northutt

“ Decaying and gentle I shall be lain to rest as the Devil the world mourned. “ - Jonkiv Kramteil

“ Look, the truth is a hard pill to swallow, but swallow it you will. “ - Simon Rossburg

“ I'm a killer and a cheat, if my dagger is unstained remember, there's etches of lives lost on the handle, do you really wanna become another scar on the wood of my blade? “ - Killgrove Butcher

“ Mercy is a surefire way to meet God, so I sling an old club wrapped in barbed wire over my shoulder and watch the river spill crimson. “ - Olivia Juarez

"They call kindness weakness, so I must be the strongest bitch in town.” - Olivia Juarez

“ My wrath comes down like a cold rain of daggers when faced with the wicked, if they ain't ready to die then they best fucking prepare for it, cause those who use the powerless as a simple stepping stone to Heaven don't deserve the breath in their damn lungs. “ - Lucille Ramaswami

“ That man, that wicked fuckin' man, 'e's an old vulture sittin' atop the Church waitin' for the holy ta fall down the steeple, 'e swoops down and picks their bones 'a love, 'a holiness, 'a morality. And den, the holy become the damned. “ - Maxwell Soderstrom

“ The Devils and snakes in the grass should fear the gardener with his shovel ready to bury the pests." - Guarva Plucker

“ Don't call me your hero, cause heroes don't kill good men." - Al Hunderson

  "Brother, there's somethin' sinister brewin' in the bones of humanity, has been since the Neanderthals huddled in caves, lighting fires underneath the murky walls of a place they could call home. I'm afraid you're gonna have to be a little more specific." - Roman Hemlock "Ya can always spot the little, tinges of darkness in the bad man's eye, the little seams of pain that follows 'em." - Sandro Colorfeid

"I slither and slide into the darkness, a basilisk hiding in shadow and sin, biting into the forbidden fruit of Eden with glee and cruelty flickering in my snake likes eyes." - Vexine Hatchet

"I stood with blood on my hands and a snarl on my lip. It was from that moment on, Nico no longer were." - Nico Litchenfels

“ I'm a cutthroat fucker with his heart bared open and cruel on his trench jacket's sleeve. “ - Nico Litchenfels

"I stood like a question never asked, and then before I had the chance to give myself an answer in the echoes of my insanity, she smiled and asked who I was." - Zachariah Rinderez

"I have died a thousand times, Minerva. But you make me want to live again." - Simon Drogace

"I'm not lucky enough to be me." - Simon Drogace

“Do you ever feel like, your mind is a hammer?” - Simon Drogace

"He stood there, like a wicked omen of what never should've been, a testament to all humanity tried to kill." - Neal Marrows

"Losing yourself is a game no one can win." - Neal Marrows

"You know me, just a grave of who I was, grasping the soil wondering why it always slips between my fingers." - Sam Dellwotfire

"Someone once asked me what life before war was like, and truthfully, I've never known." - Hunter Creasey

"You spend your whole life under the shadow of death it starts to become you, and as you let the light it in, as you let your heart burst in seams of color and little figments of love and joy, that's when the shadow casts itself over you the longest. As soon as you start to live, death comes on by to greet you as if she were an old friend, and as I live through the essence of love and peace, I can see a smile filled with the lost lives of all whom ever walked greeting me on a road all too familiar." - Hunter Creasey

"I'm the mad man's greatest friend, but in the eyes of the sane, in the eyes of all whom stand against cruelty, I'm a weapon, an atomic bomb that'll level the city of peace to dust." - Moores Thomas

"It is in madness and grief we find who we really are. So who's to say humanity was supposed to live in peace? After all, even our mind tells us things we could never dream of with intrusive thoughts, and in the end some of us succumb to the darkness every single mind brews." - Moores Thomas

"You see, madness starts with a small seed the human race calls trouble, it comes in many different variants, some get in very small dosages all their lives. But mad men get a taste of trouble long before they know what the word means." - Moores Thomas

"The way I see love, it's an interesting sort of medicine. One moment it stitches together the loose threads of your heart, and in the very next it unravels you like a spool of thread." - Cornelius Combs

"I walked into the Church only to be spat out, falling down the sinner's steeple coughing up bloodied pieces of my faith." - Takizen Fruivein

"Challenging what I've become is a fools game, and my friend, I am no fool." - Allinza Harzvi

"Humanity is not inherently kind, everything we've seen, and everything we are, is proof of that testament." - Allinza Harzvi

"We are never in the same boat, we are in the same storm, facing life's darkness with different privilege's." - Caldvain Lucelo

"You know, someone once told me you have control over your own mind, but as it drifts away from me as smoke in the dying embers of a midnight wildfire, does that statement still hold true?" - Harvin Scoviney

"God does not help. He observes." - Victor Da Ville

“ You can't explain what evil means without mentioning the feared name of Cassidy Vanderberg. “ - Cassidy Vanderberg

“ I'm a hero, and I know, it's a heroes curse to go down in history, shooting her glory through the chamber of a revolver, leaving the world with the gunfire smoke of her gun, but so be it man, so fucking be it. “ - Miella Fang

“ Tragedy runs through my veins like the blood I bleed.” - Harkman Burtrow

“ You can run your hands through these cracked and yellowed pages, wondering when I lost my mind, but you won't find any answers in my chapters. “ - Mortelo Vonenwoft

“ ”You ever feel there’s jus’ this empty box where your heart’s supposed ta be? I've shoved all my monsters in this box, my addictions, my anxiety, the thoughts that don't go away. But sometimes, the box starts ta open, and I can't even push the door back, cause I'm too busy with this ghost followin' me like a yappin' chihuahua. “ - Isadore Rast

“ Everyone is always sayin' you're strong, for fightin' past that hurt, but am I? I didn't fight, I fuckin' stumbled, I fell, it wasn't just a battle, it was a god damn war I still wage. The gunfire echoes and cocaine ghosts will never leave me be, cause I made the mistake of losin' myself ta the bad side of life, and I just can't forgive myself for that kinda shit. “ - Isadore Rast

“ I'm not a recoverin' addict, I'm just a fuckin' ghost. “ - Carrigan Hopva

“ I met myself on a dead end street, she looked distraught, with chunks of hair missing, cigarette on her lip, trying to light a match in the rain, eyes troubled with memories of what would be. She told me to keep my enemies close, cause god damn, they were everywhere, but she never told me I'd be standin' in a house of mirrors. “ - Rain Morvosina

“ I tell myself, I could've done better, I could've saved the circus, but truthfully, not a single man can stop fate in its tracks, he would become another splatter on her railroad within a series of seconds and terrible events. “ - Bortosley Velltwo

“ I'm guilty ‘a first degree, of lil ol' me." - Howard Wraith

“ Oh mum if ya could see me now, sinnin' on the other side 'a paradise lookin' for reasons ta stain me teeth the color of me jacket. “ - Davy Blight 

“ I ain't the poor lil' boy who shot at 'is brother with orange capped revolvers and plastic swords, mate, I'm the real fuckin' deal. This venom 'a trouble and sin flows like blood in me veins, corruptin' the essence 'a who I fuckin' was. “ - Davy Blight

“ I'm the darkness your mother says ta stray away from, the boogeyman ya're mum tells ya snatches away naughty boys and girls in the dead 'a night, and worst of all mate, I'm Lind fuckin' Blight, bastard son of the seas. “ - Lind Blight

“ I'm just old honey whiskey sitting on the shelf gathering dust and mildew, locked in this little cabin of darkness and decay, wondering why no one cares to pop open my cork and let this darkness and mold spill to the soil of a freshly dug grave. “ - Roxane Vanderberg

“ I met her in a garden 'a roses, and there she stood as the only thorn. “ - Kayella Wisp

“ I've gunned bad men down on the streets, cackling and sinful they died, cruel and wicked they lived. “ - Hoshino Akinori

“ I once went into an old confession booth, sins sat heavy at my shoulder, salvation far off as it always seemed to be, and as that preacher listened to my darkest secrets I was sure he would damn me. But he told me salvation is for all, and that God loves whosoever follows the path of the righteous. “ - Erika Vans

“ I used ta live with one foot in the grave, wondering when the hell I'd become my last name, but then I met a wise man in the woods and found myself once again. Sometimes, we're lost, and we don't even know it. So I think destiny sends us a Messiah to lead the way ta who we are, and as Pennington took my hand in the darkness, I knew I'd found who I am past all this trouble. “ - Alonzo Graves

“ I traverse this labyrinth of my heart and soul, trying to find myself in the midst of all this trouble, but these mirrors are starting to look like enemies, and this maze is starting to become a prison cell. “ - Andre Jollows

“ Deep in my soul is the sound of war calling me home, and death whispers in my bones that she wishes to hold me close as I fade gently into the stars, but I sigh strapping my boots on in the morning, putting this old gas mask on my face and facing another venomous day. For I am a curse, wondering where my blessings went." - Max Caldiph

“ If my heart were a painting, it would be a starless night sky, the trees wilted, stripped of their leaves standing as threadbare omens of the bones etched in darkness that hold me up and the roses would be black, decaying with some dead scent of mercy burning whosoever walks into this garden of death's nose. “ - Apollos Quinn

“ Who I am ain't even me, he's just someone I've been for too long.” - Drew Dreadful

“ I died halfway to Heaven and too close ta Hell. “ - Dylan Huffers

“ I was living a life of trouble and cigarette smoke, chasing lies as if I were just a harmless little kitten, batting my hands at another yarn ball, always wondering why it ran away from me, but as my mother held me in a gentle embrace and showed me the way to paradise, I found out that it's better to be you then somebody else. “ - Scottie Bloodvallo

“ My mama once told me sometimes you gotta fall and stumble to learn who you are, because it's as trouble and peace wage war that we discover who's side we're on, and as those old foes grabbed their rifles and loaded their cannons, I came to realize I never wanted trouble to become who I am. So I picked up my guns and fired a couple rounds of peace into my head. “ - Marty Thievekit

“ You wanna run with the wolves, but brother you're sparrin' with chihuahuas, ya wanna play with the big boys, but you're frolicking in a garden full of gnomes and fairies, you wanna go knuckle to knuckle with your demons, but brother you surround yourself in angels. Do you really expect to kill a man while you're swingin' plastic blades and firin' bullets from a cap gun? “ - Walton Burke

"The truth will always sound like a lie to he who doesn't want to admit he's wrong. “ - Stewart Astoria

“ I'm tied up and tangled in the webs of madness, cackling at the midnight sky as these bastards try to fire bullets of sanity my way. But god damn baby, I'm bullet proof. I take what I want when I want it, so as I slam these bullets of madness into the echoed chamber of my revolver and put a few holes in my mind do you think it'll be me seepin' through the corners of this old mental ward, or will the ground pool crimson with my sanity? Guess there's no way of knowin' til I pull this trigger, sanity and purity spilling like crimson ink in my mind. “ - Ares Malstone

“ Forevermore I shall stand as a threadbare omen of the unholiest parts of mankind, drifting away from myself like the wildfire smoke of a dying confession.” - Alastair Sambridge

“ My mother once stared me dead in the eye and said I was not so holy, one day I would sputter up all the pieces of me and succumb to the Devil inside, and I must say, the old wicked witch was right. My father told me I was just a sin, drifting forevermore into the midnight sky, and as I pulled the trigger upon a battlefield I came to realize fate vows for promises made by wicked people. So by God, I vow to die, I vow to choke on these holy pieces of me and sputter up my dying breath. “ - Alastair Sambridge

“ Who I am is such a far cry from who I was, if you looked at a photograph of me at ten years old you wouldn't recognize the eyes that smile, for as you look into the cracked lenses and into my eyes, it is not me you find. But rather, it is the insanity that swam in Calzell's eyes when I met him." - Ackilzo Thyme

“ My mother once told me that rage whispers into the ears of the broken that they deserve nothing more then this unsteady heart beat of broken bottles and cracked knuckles, but it's the ever smiling lip of peace that brings the sorrowed man back to himself. So I oughta wonder why peace keeps on scowlin' at me. “ - Varvaina Escobar

“ It seems it is the nature of humanity to point blame at those who are howling with regret, love beating empty in an open chest. “ - Sarkelus Johnson

“ Sometimes, life just fades before your eyes and ya don't have enough time to catch it, so you slowly drift away from it yearning for the gentle touch of death. But you know what? We all need a hero every once and awhile, and as Barbara lays her head against my chest, dancing her fingers across my shoulders and cheek, I think I damn well found my hero. “ -Rob Percstand

“ I don't wanna die with dreams, I wanna die with memories, man. “ - Revie Scollinew

"In the outback of Montana my tale began in crimson stained history. I look to my aunts and uncles and see murder deep inside of their hearts, but they should've thought twice before taking my heart in their rough hands, for there is something dark that's brewing inside of me, and if I were them, I would start looking underneath the bed for monsters." - Enoch Avoxin

"There's a certain truth, to madness." - Zachariah Rinderez

"Hold honor close to your heart and you'll end its beat." - McKormick McReavey

"You know, everybody says, this won't happen to me, I'm just your average everyday person, collecting my paycheck, paying my bills, living my day to day life just like everybody else. But what we seem to forget is that we're all normal people, we're all just a little bit average enough to stand out. And when these tragic things do happen to us, we stand in a stunned silence our whole world falling apart, and all we can utter is, "This can't be happening to me." - Ray Burzfoll

"If I could strip the emotion from my mind I fear I would do so in a heart beat." - Wyatt Demouchett

"Love comes and goes but power drifts on by and stays." - Dastallio Sanchez

"Darkness has intertwined itself within my heart sputtering the light from out my throat." - Cornelius Shmackelstein

“I am not myself, so what the fuck am I?" - Coraiza Scotchfuel

"Living in reality is the most cruel form of torture for a mad man." - Draven Scotchfuel

"It is as if she makes my black and white heart burst with some form of color it's never seen." - Armello Vanrick

"Perhaps it was always a mirror hiding inside of my closet." - Julie Forkroad

"The world went dark before it fell, we were just playing a waiting game." - Brooke Bergmeir

"I've got more fighting days left than you have years." - Maximo Guanch

"If everything exists, nothing does, really." - Arthur Wellburn

[microcos-pod]

Micro-Cosmos S1E7 Transcript: Miraculously Misplaced

(“Hello world. This is Chronicling Log One, of Doctor Felix Augustine Couvillion.” CONTENT WARNINGS: yelling, peril, brief claustrophobia, mentions of unreality, paranoia, and the fear of going insane.  Transcript begins below break.)

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

ANNOUNCER Futuristic Trail Mix Productions presents Micro-Cosmos: A Science Fiction Podcast.

[THEME MUSIC FADES OUT]

*** [sfx: external storm ambiance echoing through the cave, button press]

FELIX Um... hello world. This...This is Chronicling Log One, of Doctor Felix Augustine Couvillion. I am the science officer on duty with Omnitarian Establishment Crew, erm... zero three... no, we're um...

Zero-one-three-seven-F. Yes. It says so right here.

You'll have to forgive me. Ordinarily, when I make these recordings, they're for my own notes, or for my scientific peers. I am not used to simply... documenting the goings-on, especially... my goings-on... when confined to a cave.

According to Athena, this is for a chronicling protocol called a Code Drag. It refers to, if memory serves, a distress situation without a contingency that, at present, makes mission objectives impossible to complete. That is to say, we have been "dragged" off course. There is no contingency plan for a cinderburst. Cal says they're too rare to even warrant such a thing, nor is there enough research to determine how one could occur here. If these storms supposed to be characteristic of desert terrain, however, I would say Ophiuchus is hardly a suitable candidate. Not that I can research such a claim when I have no signal to reach any external databases that could be of help. No, that would be too easy.

Instead of that, what I do is I sit inside of a cave, talking to myself, and try to avoid going... slightly mad. If I wasn't there already, of course. I wonder how Athena manages it.

For the sake of my friend, however, I am sucking it up and beginning with these entries. I've been procrastinating for long enough, so, I will see to it that I make this log faithful to its purpose, and as honest as I can manage. I'll start with a caution, though. This cave is dull, even considering what you would expect from a cave, namely: not much. For that reason, I'm afraid I cannot guarantee you anything riveting, my dear listener. Consider yourself to be warned.

So, I hear you ask me: What have I, Doctor Felix Couvillion, been up to, now that myself and my friends have spent about... oh, a day and a half inside a damp, cavernous lair of darkness? You ask me, 'Felix, what are the Tales from the Tunnels? The Stories from the Stones? The Accounts of'... a, a, um... a cave. The cave, which I'm sure I will have memorised every vein of by the time daylight decides to reappear.

In short, I've been working. Making note of the vegetation in here, and how it might help us. I've found a new variant of fruit-bearing vine, actually. Edible. Similar to a terran gooseberry. It will make for a decent snack, once my trail mix finally runs out. A sad day, that will be. Somehow I don't find this discovery as exciting as I should. The Commander, she tries hard to keep our morale afloat, but... you know. It hasn't been long, and somehow, I already feel as though we are... contained. Stuck in some version of a time capsule, and... preserved until the next moment we are meant for is to resume.

[Felix sighs.]

FELIX (CONT'D) There's no wildlife in here, as of yet. No water either. That makes sense, on paper. The fact of the matter is that carbon-based animal life needs water. Including us. In a worst case scenario, our current water supply wouldn't last us. So, I either solve this problem, or we all slowly die of dehydration, sucking the juice out of vine berries as a last ditch attempt to survive. Yeesh. Not a pretty picture, hm?

Which is why I will make my third trek to scout a potable water source this afternoon. If I'm able to find room in my busy schedule Oh! In between my rounds, though, I have found something to pass the time-He stops again. This is... what a chronicling log is for, yes? Cataloguing however our time is spent inside an unavoidable disaster?

Sure it is. Anyways. I have... wait for it... I have rediscovered my love for card tricks! And I can still manage to do them, too. It's like it never left me, in a way. Like riding a bike for the mind. Or, as Morgan once put it, riding a bike for nerds. Here, I'll show you. ...You can’t see me. Dammit. Well, let's try it like this, then. Were you here, dear listener, you would shuffle the deck. You would pick a card, only in your mind. And then, you'd give the deck back to me, and after a series of convoluted detours through what seems like a magical process, the card would end up in your pocket, a place it certainly shouldn't be. Ta da! Okay, okay, a magician shouldn't reveal his tricks, I know. But I can't contain myself, so I'll give you a tidbit. I forced a card on you, at the start. You thought it was your choice. It wasn't. It was, likely, the Ace of Dishes. Good card. I'm fond of it. It's an interesting thing, that trick. According to the logical part of your brain, the card should be in the deck, with the rest of its friends. It’s family, if you will. Your eyes told you it should be there, and so of course, you're expecting it to be there. Or were you? That card, from the second you or I chose it, when you saw it, and we convinced each other that it was special, or different, the, hm... well, the zeitgeist of the situation told you that by the end of the trick... that card wasn't going to be in it's rightful place. It wasn't going to be like all the others. It was going to be... miraculously misplaced. In reality, the misdirection relies on both expectations. It needs the voice of reason, and the voice of the little child inside your brain that really really really wants magic to be real, just so it can stir a whit of joy. In my experience, though, most things in life that are misplaced from where they belong, it's... not a good situation. Take our example. One looks down at the flowers for a moment, giving the storm just enough time to sneak up and tap him on the shoulder, and... Abracadabra. Misdirected... misplaced from mission objectives. This kind of thing... does not bring much joy, does it? That's my insight, anyways. And that's about as much as I can fill a Chronicling Log with, for now. I'm going to check up with the others. Um, Doctor Felix Augustine Couvillion, ending Log One.

[sfx: button click]

***

ATHENA ... That's a dog?

MILES Yeah. It's supposed to be! Like... bark?

ALEX Sorry, I... honestly thought it was supposed to be a sock puppet.

MILES Sock puppets don't have ears!

ATHENA ...An ear?

ALEX That's an ear?

ATHENA I mean I figured it was an animal of some kind, but-

MILES I never claimed to be good at shadow puppets, okay?

C41 Clearly.

MILES Cal, you don't have tangible hands, you don't get an opinion.

C41 At least I know that dogs aren't that long.

[sfx: approaching footsteps]

ALEX Yeah, actually, kinda... looks like that little cat thing that bit Felix.

FELIX It was a spray, not a bite. That makes it sound a lot more gross, actually.

[Alex claps her hands.]

ALEX Nice to see the party's finally here!

FELIX Hm? "Party"? That's new.

ALEX Did you bring the deck of cards?

FELIX Of course.

ALEX Then you're the party.

[Felix laughs.]

ALEX (CONT'D) Where've you been?

FELIX Recording my first chronicling log. I figured an update on my perspective was in order.

ATHENA Oh, good, thank you. How'd it go?

FELIX Um... well, I think. A bit meandering, maybe. Not anything special.

ATHENA Honestly, however they end up going is fine. It's just a matter of getting an account from everyone of how they're doing and what's going on. That's all I really have to do, most of the time. You'd be surprised how useful a ramble is when you have it on file. What did you meander about?

FELIX Oh just... you know. Something that I've been brushing up on. Here, I'll show you, actually.

MILES Sure, just share your talents with the class I guess.

C41 This should be interesting.

[sfx: unboxing and shuffling playing cards]

MILES What is this?

FELIX It's a card trick.

MILES A card trick...

FELIX Correct. Can I have a volunteer?

[Athena, Alex and C41 respond positively.]

FELIX (CONT'D) Miles, thank you, so kind of you to volunteer.

MILES My hand was not up.

FELIX Here, shuffle these.

MILES Ugh. Fine.

[sfx: cards shuffling]

FELIX No, don't give them to me! That's against the rules.

MILES Oookay. I'll keep em.

FELIX You're thinking of a particular one, I can tell.

MILES Uh... sure. Six of stars?

FELIX No, no, that's not it. Come on, this one only works if we convince each other that it's going to work. It was a low card, something... special.

MILES Low, and... special? Like an Ace?

FELIX It was an Ace?

MILES Yeah. Yeah, an Ace.

FELIX But not the Ace of Stars? We've got Planets, Comets, Dishes and Stars, but... How about you pick two of those, Officer Abbott?

MILES Dishes and Stars.

FELIX We'll keep the Dishes and the Stars then, and get rid of the other two. But it wasn't Stars, so the Ace of Dishes, then?

MILES Yeah.

FELIX The Ace of Dishes was the first card that came to mind, you're sure?

MILES Yeah.

FELIX Perfect. Athena, could you pick a number for me? It could be anywhere between, er... one to ten.

ATHENA Seven.

FELIX Seven. Very well. Miles, can I have the deck back?

MILES Oh, that's allowed now?

FELIX Of course, don't be silly. Now, I'm going to pull seven cards off the top of this deck that Miles shuffled and, well... we'll see what happens.

[sfx: cards being drawn from the deck]

FELIX (CONT'D) One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.

Oh... dear, that's not it.

MILES Jack of Comets. Figured it wouldn't-

FELIX Indeed. Wait, Miles, what's that?

MILES What's what?

FELIX In your shirt pocket.

[sfx: an emphatic rustling and card flip.

FELIX This?

MILES The... Ace... of Dishes. Wait.

[Athena applauds.]

[Alex laughs.]

ALEX Hey now, how the hell did you do that?

FELIX Ah, ah. Magicians. Secrets. You know the rules.

ALEX I bet Cal knows.

C41 I have... an idea or two, but I'm not exactly sure, really. Nice job.

FELIX Thank you.

MILES I don't know how you did that. I am going to find out how you did that.

[sfx: lots of movement]

[Indistuguishable frenzied comments from the crew.]

***

[sfx: echoing footsteps, very distant external storm ambiance.]

[sfx: button click.]

FELIX Doctor Felix Augustine Couvillion. Recording Chronicling Log... Two, I suppose. Though it hasn't been long.

I had to escape from Miles's endless, somewhat terrifying questions. I fear those will be a common occurrence from this point on.

Anywho. I am currently... well, I don't know exactly where I am. My analog compass says I am southeast of our campsite, which is just outside the entrance to the tunnel system. But, I'm not so sure. You would think this little gadget would be unaffected by the storm, but the cinderbust seems to be acting on all of our other equipment as if it were somehow a geomagnetic storm. This, of course, may mean it is confusing the compass needle as well. 

So I'm not sure I can trust in that bearing. What I do know is, I took a left. So at least I have that to go on.

I did promise the Commander that I wouldn't stray too far from the camp when I'm alone. But I'm not alone. I'm on the hunt for a source of water, and I'm taking you, whoever will listen to this, with me for the journey. So technically, I'm keeping my promise, while getting results. Hopefully. Hopefully getting results. It isn't like I have any real reason to be concerned about my safety. Like I had mentioned, there have been no encounters with wildlife as of yet. Then again, I've been wrong before. It would be just my luck to end up being wrong again. But, I survived Mercutio, ergo, I could likely survive anything. The little devil.

[sfx: flashlight clicks on]

FELIX (CONT'D) Let there be light.

Ah. It appears we've reached a choice to make. Hm. Left... or... right. I'd rather not go in a circle. Right it is.

Left, then right. Left, then right. Left then... right. Okay.

So, anyways. I hadn't had any previous luck taking a right initially, where I first chose to go left. My left. Not... upon return- never mind. I know what I mean. I hadn't gone too far that way, in any case. 

Only today did I figure out the loophole in my promise, and... in terms of balancing my very busy schedule, I figure that it's best not to spend all my time fretting over dehydration. Going prematurely mad is not in my plans.

There are some interesting mineral formations on the ceiling. It may be worth taking a sample to submit on my way back. They're a sort of bluish-white, and they seem to form in hexagonal clusters, about three to four centimetres in length. Quite pretty. Pretty enough to understand the appeal of geology, if only for a moment. No offence to geologists, of course.

No luminescence is visible from the formations. My torch is the only current source of light. I suppose luminescence would have been too much to hope for. It is... rather dark, this way. Miles wouldn't like it. I don't think Miles likes many things, come to think of it. There's a grumpy individual if you ever did see one. But, a decent traveling companion when the mood strikes them-

[sfx: walking stops]

FELIX (CONT'D) Dead end. Hm. I'll make a mental note.

[sfx: footsteps resume]

FELIX (CONT'D) That's annoying. Back the way we came, then.

It might have done me good to bring Cal along. Most of their functions may be, er, rusty, at present, but they still have the sensors for these sort of things. Or perhaps I should have brought the Commander. Navigations, and all. Eh. I'm still not too far. And I have you, don't I, my trusty comms friend?

Even if you're not one for conversation. The brooding type. Strong and silent. I can work with that. And I can be fairly sure that I'm-

[sfx: footsteps stop suddenly]

FELIX (CONT'D) What?

[A long silence.]

[Felix swallows and chuckles nervously.]

FELIX (CONT'D) Well. I... must not have been paying attention as well as I'd thought.

I've just... I've just come up against another dead end. Where I thought... no, where the entrance to this passage should be. Where... where it just... was.

It can't have just... filled behind me. I would have heard the crash.

Right?

Same tunnel. Same... crystals. Perhaps a bit more on the indigo side that I had originally noticed. No more, or, um, less lacking luminescence.

Alright, er... Perhaps I took a turn and passed it. I'll retrace... my steps. What you're looking for is always in the last place you check, right?

[sfx: footsteps]

[Felix breathes shakily.]

[sfx: sound of distant running water fades in]

FELIX (CONT'D) Do you... do you hear that? That sounds like...

[sfx: the water sound recedes, replaced by storm ambiance]

FELIX (CONT'D) Sounds like... wishful thinking.

No, I could've sworn. I could have sworn. I'm not mad. I'm not.

FELIX (CONT'D) Don't you look at me like that. You're a bundle of wires and metal. You're not capable of going mad, only getting broken.

I... I wonder which is worse.

[sfx: a draft blowing in from the right side]

FELIX (CONT'D) Well. I... hadn't noticed that before. There's an offshoot path here, in between... I suppose in between dead ends. It must... it would have to lead deeper into the cave. I can't... This doesn't make any sense.

[Felix struggles to look inside the narrow path.]

FELIX (CONT'D) I can't make out anything inside. Very dark, but... But there's a draft. Meaning... it must lead outside. No daylight, however.

Well, of course there's no daylight, Felix. Remember why you're here in the first place.

[sfx: the draft stops unnaturally abruptly]

FELIX (CONT'D) Well, that doesn't make any sense, now does it?

The wind from the passage seems to have... turned off. Just... just like that.

I should just go back the way I came. Yes. That's what I should do.

[sfx: the sound of running water resumes]

FELIX (CONT'D) Wait... is... am I hearing that right...?

Not right now, thank you. I could do without the difficult decision.

Fine. Fine! Fine then, I'll just...

[He struggles further to get inside the path, with a few laboured mutterings.]

[Felix pants.]

[sfx: water droplets hitting the ground.]

FELIX (CONT'D) Yahtzee.

[sfx; unscrewing a thermos, letting water drip inside]

FELIX (CONT'D) I'll have to ensure this is potable, first. Or if I can make it potable. I'm sure it will be fine... Either way this is a good sign for our continued survival.

[sfx: extremely loud shifting of rock]

FELIX (CONT'D) What in the... What was that?

I've got enough of this to test but... The only problem is, I don't know that I could find it again. I... almost certainly don't know where I am.

[sfx: another creaking shift of rock]

[Felix gasps and exclaims.]

FELIX (CONT'D) What... I'm sorry, I just... felt a shift there, it startled me.

There's obviously an explanation for this but... I don't think I'm in any state to continue this trip. I need... I need to get back to camp.

[sfx: footsteps resume]

FELIX (CONT'D) Next time, if I ever come back this way, I'm bringing someone with me.

[sfx: running water fades out]

FELIX (CONT'D) Wait, uh... where... but I had just looked through...

I can't see that passage anymore. Where I got the water. Can you?

Of course you can't. I'm talking to myself. I bet no one will ever even listen to these. It isn't as if you care. You let this happen in the first place, sent us somewhere new without contingencies, and I'll bet you still don't feel responsible.

It's there. You can't see it from this angle, but it's there, you just can't see it in the dark.

[sfx: extremely loud stone creaking and moving]

FELIX (CONT'D) I need to go. I need to... I need to leave.

[sfx: running footsteps]

[Felix pants.]

[sfx: footsteps slow and stop]

FELIX (CONT'D) Left or... right? I swear, this doesn't... what was that goddamn sound?!

No. No, you shouldn't hear this. Am I transmitting, or... is this a recording-

[sfx: comms click]

***

[sfx: comms click]

ATHENA -were just looking for you.

FELIX I know, I know, I lost track of time-

ATHENA Alex was worried sick, we thought we heard you yell-

FELIX Well, that's very kind of her, but I-

ATHENA Felix... are you okay? Did something-

FELIX I'm fine.

ATHENA Okay.

Next time, maybe, take one of us with you. Or at least tell us when you'll be back.

FELIX Sure, sure. In any case, it was a success.

[sfx: unscrewing a thermos]

FELIX (CONT'D) Water. Fresh. Hopefully potable.

ATHENA That's great! That's a relief. Okay. Where did you find it?

FELIX Oh. Heh. Funny you should ask, actually.

ATHENA Oh?

FELIX Yes, I... see I was fine, but along the way I got a little... lost, it wasn't anything to be concerned about, but... I may have a little trouble finding it again.

ATHENA Oh.

FELIX Ah, but, don't worry.

I kept the recorder running.

ATHENA Uh... well, that's good. It definitely makes my job a lot easier.

FELIX Well, yes, and I... wasn't alone.

ATHENA Right.

FELIX And! And, perhaps if I give this a listen, it would help me figure where I got turned around. Nothing a second journey won't fix.

ATHENA Not alone this time.

FELIX Not alone the first time because I personified my comms but... yes I see your point.

ATHENA Well, let's give it a listen, then.

FELIX Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

[sfx: button pressing]

FELIX (CONT'D) It should be my most recent... input, let's see here. Ah. There.

[sfx: button press]

RECORDING FELIX Doctor Felix Augustine Couvillion. Recording Chronicling Log... Two, I suppose. Though it hasn't been long.

[sfx: a sudden click, lasting static]

ATHENA Um, Felix?

FELIX ...Yes?

ATHENA Was that the end of the recording?

FELIX No. Definitely not.

ATHENA Then why... did you stop talking?

FELIX I didn't stop talking, I kept it running the whole time, I only turned it off just before I saw you!

ATHENA Something must have happened, then. Can I see it?

FELIX Sure, sure.

ATHENA It doesn't look like a corrupted file, in fact, everything seems to be working fine. Out here, at least.

Maybe the storm messed with your comms too, somehow. Or maybe... maybe there's some good conductors in the stone too, deeper in the cave, that could have thrown off your signal, or...

FELIX Or it could have been my own fault.

ATHENA It happens to the best of us, Felix.

FELIX Well, finding that source again just got infinitely harder, didn't it?

ATHENA Maybe? I don't know. Either way, we have time before that search becomes urgent, and, at least we know it exists. Hopefully we never really have to worry about it at all.

FELIX That doesn't make it any less frustrating, though, does it?

ATHENA Well, technology is wonderful, when it works. I appreciate the fact that you were recording anything for me at all, I know that code protocol can be a pain.

FELIX Well, strange as it sounds, I'm glad these protocols exist. It makes it seem like an effort is being made to keep things sorted, I suppose.

ATHENA Keeping our ducks in a row?

FELIX Precisely.

ATHENA Well, I can only hope. I've never had to run a crew-wide chronicling operation before outside of a drill. I was hoping I would never have to.

FELIX One narrator of this comedy of errors should have been enough?

ATHENA Precisely.

Anyways, do you want to head back to camp now? Everyone will want to know you're alright.

FELIX They were really worried?

ATHENA Of course they were. Alex wants her ducks in a row, too. An odd one out wouldn't be good for us.

FELIX Like an Ace of Dishes.

ATHENA Only, we were pretty sure you weren't in Miles's pocket.

[Both laugh.]

ATHENA (CONT'D) Here.

[sfx: footsteps]

ATHENA (CONT'D) This way.

***

FELIX Chronicling Log of Doctor Felix Augustine Couvillion, third part.

It's past evening now, into the night. I think the others have gone to bed. Yet, it appears that I can't sleep. Something about today unnerved me. There is no explanation for my confusion, except my own anxieties, my paranoia, what have you. I know that.

I know that in the same way I know that the walls of a cave don't move around you. Not unless you are very patient, dead, or mad.

In my case, the jury is still out on the latter.

A planet isn't conscious, it isn't sentient, it shouldn't know who I am.

And yet, there's nothing left of that recording to even tell you what I mean. All that's left is how I remember it, and that perturbs me.

Here's the thing: I can tell myself that I lost my way in a dead end simply because I am afraid of what happens when I turn my back. But if I deem that fear a sound rationalization... then I may have something to evaluate. A time of soul-searching, hopefully. In the company of a snack.

ALEX Yikes. Deep. Make sure you have your coffee first.

FELIX Commander! Where did- I'm sorry, I thought you were asleep with the others, did I wake you-

[Alex laughs quietly.]

ALEX Shh, shhh! Athena and Miles are still asleep, I was just... I was... never mind.

[sfx: Alex sits down.]

ALEX (CONT'D) You recording?

FELIX Er, yes. As redundant as it may seem. 

ALEX Redundant?

FELIX Yes. Just between you and me, boss? I doubt anyone will ever listen to these.

ALEX You really think so?

FELIX The good folks back at headquarters tend to overindulge on bureaucracy. Efficiency is prioritised to the detriment of efficiency.

Perhaps the duty will be passed on to an Artificial Intelligence like our friend. I suppose that works just as well.

ALEX There's the silver lining I was waiting for.

FELIX Oh, don't rely on me for that.

ALEX Why not? It's worked so far.

Case and point: that card trick was probably the silver lining of my day. And I still have no idea how you did it.

FELIX Really?

ALEX Really. No clue. Unless Miles was in on it, but I seriously doubt that.

FELIX I can show you.

ALEX Yeah?

[sfx: rustling through a bag, cards rustling, flipping and shuffling]

FELIX Certainly.

Now, the first thing is, Miles didn't pick the Ace of Dishes. I did. And then I convinced them that they did. And convincing Miles Abbott of something is probably the hardest part of any trick, so if you can manage that... this next part is quite easy.

ALEX The next part is the actual trick, you mean.

FELIX The convincing is the trick. If you can't even convince yourself that you can do it, make a card do something miraculous, how are you going to convince the people watching?

ALEX Good point. Teach me.

FELIX Very well. So it looks like this, when we actually do it. Pulling it out of a pocket.

[sfx: card flick]

FELIX (CONT’D) But really, we're just folding the card behind quickly as you flick it off the bottom of the pack, like that, and then... you cup it into your palm when you reach out. It never leaves your hand.

[sfx: the same card flick, but slower]

[sfx: a card sliding]

ALEX Oh. Ohhhhh, okay! Gimme one.

[Felix laughs.]

[sfx: passing Alex a card.]

FELIX Give it a try.

ALEX Okay... so... take it from the bottom of the... deck, and then-

[sfx: a similar card flick, a similar card slide]

ALEX (CONT’D) Like that?

FELIX Yes. Exactly.

ALEX Alright. Alright, okay. So... from here...

[sfx: a quick card flick, a quick card slide]

ALEX Like that?

FELIX Ha! You picked that up quickly, sir.

[sfx: repeated flick and slide of the card performed by Alex]

ALEX I can do more than play Go Fish, Couvillion.

FELIX That's for certain. It's double trouble for the rest of the crew, in any case. Two magicians are better than one, you know.

[sfx: card sounds stop]

ALEX Oh, man. Miles is going to hate this.

***

ANNOUNCER Micro-Cosmos: A Science Fiction Podcast.

This episode, Miraculously Misplaced, was written by Lauren Tucker, edited by Luka Miller, and directed by Jesse Smith and Lauren Tucker. It starred Jesse Smith as the voice of Athena Romero, Jackson Rossman as the voice of Miles Abbott, Luka Miller as the voice of Alex de la Cruz, Kaleb Piper as the voice of Felix Couvillion, and Pippa van Beek-Paterson as the voice of Cal. Original music by Julia Barnes, and sound editing by Tobias Friedman. Be sure to stay tuned to our feed for upcoming episodes from the new backpacking intergalactic adventure from Futuristic Trail Mix Productions. Enjoying the show, and want to give us a boost? You can support us by rating and reviewing us on iTunes, or wherever you get your podcasts, or telling a friend about us. To follow the show and find transcripts, you can find us on Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram as @MicroCosPod. Questions, comments, and concerns can be emailed to us via futuretrailmixpros@gmail.com. Thank you for listening. ***

[diabloindigo]

Are you the person to open a box of cereal just to get the toy inside? As a kid yes. Right now, I don’t buy cereals with prizes anymore. Do they even stuff toys in cereal these days? 

Do you get scared easy? If it’s in the anxiety induced variety, yes. 

What was one of the stupidest things you cried over when you were little? Not sure, it could have been anything from not wanting to wear a fancy dress or dress shoes to a party or a broken toy. 

Have you ever drank milk from the carton? Despite having a working dishwasher and plenty of glasses, I “waterfall” milk and juice from the containers. 

Juice or milk? I go both ways, leaning more towards juice. Apple or orange. 

Do you ever turn off your computer properly? Once in a while. 

Do you wish you were a fish? Not really, though I kinda envy the blue Dory (Doctor Fish?) in the tank at my gynecologist’s waiting room. It likes to swim to the bottom of the tank and ride up to the top on a bubble jet. That damn fish has probably had more fun than I have in the past several months. 

Who’s your favorite super hero? Invincible (Amazon Prime). Along with Spider-Man (2002) and the Big Hero 6 movie, that character/series is a rare superhero show that makes me feel strong and vulnerable at the same time. 

Who’s your favorite super villain? Slade Wilson/ Deathstroke as seen in “Teen Titans: The Judas Contract” animated movie and the 2003-2006 “Teen Titans” cartoon series. 

Spiderman or X-men? Spider-Man. Tobey Maguire and Peter B. Parker from Into the Spiderverse. 

Movie theatre or stay at home movie night? Theaters. Alamo Drafthouse. I love ordering boozy milkshakes and finger foods.

Do you have a Blue Ray? I have one of those external drives for my Mac though I never use it. 

How about HD television? Yeah

Do you think HD television is kind of a waste of money? No. 

Do you get why people get so frickin’ freaked out during football season? I do not, and living in a state with a hard-on for (American) football makes it weird when I tell people that I do not have a favorite football team/player. 

Do you ever sneak scraps to the dog even though you’re not suppose to? I don’t sneak him food. If I cook or order too much to eat, then I scrape a couple of cup’s worth of leftovers in his bowl. He’s probably got only a year to live so let him live it up a little. 

Are you reading a book right now? If so what? A friend gave me a copy of “The Only Good Indians” but I can't get into it so I’m reading “Full Throttle” by Joe Hill. 

What was the last book you were required to read for school? It’s been so long I can’t remember. 

O donuts or jelly filled? Whipped cream filled. I love Krispy Kreme’s whipped cream filled donuts with raspberry filled donuts as a close second. 

If I’m feeling bland then I do like crullers. 

Do you like your ice-cream in a bowl or cone? Bowl unless it’s a tasty cone. 

Marshmallows in your hot chocolate or no? I could go either way unless it’s a tiny cup of chocolate. 

Do you like cherry coke? Hell yes. I love going to Sonic for a cherry-vanilla-lime Coke or this greasy little 1950s type burger joint for their cherry cokes since they load the cups with several cherries. 

Do you really think diet Dr. Pepper is the equivalent of a cupcake? No, it tastes artificial. Like a bastard child of a soft drink that wants to pass for cherry soda. 

Do you snore in your sleep? Drool? Talk? Snore and talk (I’m pretty stressed out).

Have you ever sleep walked? no

Are you a morning person? I am now. 

How do you wake up in the mornings? by alarm during the work week, naturally at 6-7 on vacation days. 

Do you think guyliner is hot? What is that? 

Is variety the spice of life? yeah

Do you think strawberry milk is disgusting? I like it. 

Have you ever drank after anyone? Like sharing a cup/bottle? Yeah, loads of times.  

Have you ever drank after anyone you don’t know very well? No. 

Do you have any limits on who you drink/eat after?

If we’re talking about sharing, then I will share food/drink with family and friends. If someone offers me bite-size pieces that are individually wrapped or can be torn off the main portion, I’ll eat it, but only from co-workers or acquaintances. 

Would you eat a sucker if someone already ate some of it? No. 

Would you chew somebody else's gum? Hell no. 

Do you know anyone who’s going to die of mono because of that? No. 

Do you enjoy school? My English and psychology classes. 

Are you a teacher’s pet? no

Do you have a job? Yes. 

How did you get to and from school? Parents drove me or I walked for elementary through high school. I drove when I went to college. 

Do you have a bedtime? And if so what is it? I’m in bed between 11-12 a.m.

What time do you get up? 6 am so I can walk/exercise before the sun boils the earth in full force. 

Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Yeah in college. 

What’s more important? Beauty or brains? brains

Do you believe in yourself? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. 

Did you ever want to be an astronaut when you were little? No. Being a veterinarian or scientist were my highest ambitions as a small kid. 

How about the president? Never. 

What did you want to be when you were little? Veterinarian, scientist, cartoon character. 

Did you ever want to be a super model? no

Do you believe you’re attractive enough to be a super model? No.

Have you ever had an X-ray? Several in the past few months for pre-surgery and dental work.

What’s your favorite guy’s name? What’s your favorite girl’s name? Guys’: Shane, Mark, Tadashi, Austin, Cade, Trip.

Girls’: Quince, Sienna, Amy, Kit, Lizzie (Elizabeth), Raven.

Who’s your second cousin’s, grandparent’s, sister? The fuck...

Do you laugh to yourself whenever the ketchup bottle farts? No, in fact, I get annoyed when other people hear it and ask me if I farted. 

Do you have any real guns in your house? I have several. 

Do you know how to use nunchucks? No, I bought a pair at one of those Asian imports emporiums, but I donated them since I never learned to use them. They were these crappy foam padded ones with dragons printed on the handles. 

Do you know anyone who can use nunchucks? No. 

What do you want to be next Halloween? In better health and not shitting bricks about using up my paid time off to go to doctors’ appointments. 

Did you ever consider getting a job as a mall Santa? No. I’d rather be one of his elves or a reindeer. 

Are you the one responsible for taking out the garbage? Yes. Grosses me the fuck out sometimes with smelly discarded poultry trays or rotten food, but somebody’s gotta do it. 

Do you recycle? My city has the blue recycling bins, but I heard that since we’re an ass-backward community, “recyclables” and trash all go to the same place. I just place recyclables in the blue bin to help clear up space in the trash bin. Maybe I’m wrong and this city does recycle? Can’t hurt. 

When I was 11, I’d collect empty soda cans to take to the recycling guy since back in the day, they’d pay for aluminum cans. That’s how I scraped up funds for dollar movies and hot dogs. 

Are you a pyro? Yeah. I carry/collect Zippo lighters but mostly because the “click-click” is satisfying to hear since I flip the lids open and closed to relieve stress. And I burn a lot of old bills and letters with sensitive info on them. 

What was the last word/thing you wrote down? I was researching high fiber foods that are also low in carbs to make a grocery and dinner meal plan. 

Sleeping or eating? After my surgery, sleeping. 

Are you overall a positive person? I try to be realistically positive, if such a thing exists. The world will never be all sunshine and My Little Ponies, but I try to find some comfort and positivity when my world is a shit-show. Filling this survey out kinda helps. 

Do you hate hypocrites? Yeah, especially the “do as I say, not as I do” types. 

For instance, a certain family member is pushing good diet and health habits, but it aggravates the hell out of me if I see him drinking high sugar iced tea or eating ice cream. Or Door-Dashing Burger King, even if it is a Beyond Whopper with a diet Coke. 

Do you like to prank people? Yes, but I do benign pranks like leaving dirty riddles and meme drawings on their front doors. 

What was the worst prank you’ve ever done on anyone? I tried fucking with a telesolicitor but I could not stop laughing. 

Have you ever jumped on a trampoline in the ice? I don’t own a trampoline. 

Have you ever ice skated? No. I tried once after a local minor league hockey game. I got the skates on, but my ankles were bending/bowing out so I changed my mind.

Ever water skiid? No. 

Is vacuum spelled funny? Yes. 

Democrat or republican? I don’t associate formally with either party, but I hitch my pony a little to the left. 

Who’s the biggest asshole you know? My former boss circa 2013. Very unprofessional and a veritable loudmouth and a poor (shit) showman wannabe. 

Pen or pencil? Gel-ink pens. 

Should all paper have holes? nope

Speaking of holes. Swiss cheese, what’s the point of that? Fewer calories? Spinning slices in my hand like a TV cowboy spinning his revolver in the trigger guard with his finger? 

Have you ever been in a helicopter before? No. 

Own any airbrushed tshirts? Nope, not even in the nineties. 

Have you ever been suspended? No. 

Have you ever been in a fist fight? A few playground fights as a kid. 

Ever said something to someone that you didn’t mean to say? Yes. 

Do you forgive too easily? I don’t think so. 

What are you listening to right now? The AC running. 

Have you ever seen any of MCR’s music videos? Nope. 

Are you tan? No. 

Have you ever been in a tanning bed? No. I have no desire to look like a Cheeto or woo skin cancer. 

Have you ever played water volley? Once at my uncle’s neighborhood swimming pool. 

Ever had a sunburn? Yes, from neglecting sunscreen re-applications or underestimating the sun. 

How about wind burn? It hurts….. Nah, I don't live in a cold enough climate for that. 

What was the first word you learned how to say? I think it was “mama.”

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

Bioshock Rebirth Part 1 told in a humorous way

Showed this to @feckinatlas like some of the others. I had this in my draft oh wait. Yeah this is part of my Bioshock Rebirth AU, my reimagining/reboot of the Bioshock franchise. While I don’t wanna write a full on novel because I’m lazy like that. Yet I wanted to make a funny recap. Originally this would of been part 1 and 2. But I decided to keep as 1 right now.

Basically was inspired by stuff like the ByteSize recaps of The Last Of Us. So if you want to know the full story but keep it short. Despite some parts seem long and deep. Yet this is told in a humorous way. Hopefully you enjoy it. Including the night before I am uploading this. I decided to add Booker’s parts because I imagine him as a boss.

Part 1.

Archie: My aircraft was shot down and now it crashed into the ocean near this lighthouse! What the Hell is all this!? Andrew Ryan? An underwater city called Rapture? Weird looking people trying to kill me? Weird diving suit monsters with drills? Little girls holding giant needles? What the Hell is going on down here?

Atlas: Oy lad! My name is Atlas. I’m the leader of the rebellion going against Ryan. He’s an asshole and I made the distress call. We need to take Ryan down and we need your help.

Archie: Okay man who I trust and grow to admire as a father figure who reminds me of myself. Hi two ladies.

Daisy: Hey there I’m Daisy. I’m Atlas’s 2nd in command and....I guess I’m gay with Diane.

Diane: We had a weird history.

Archie: Ah no judgement there. :)

Atlas: Now we need your help rescuing this young girl Ryan has imprisoned. We don’t know why she’s imprisoned but we need to save her.

Later.

Elizabeth: I’m Elizabeth and I want to go Paris! But I’m stuck in this tower. :( But you’re real and that’s so awesome! :D

Archie: Hi Elizabeth! I’m here to rescue you! 

Bluto: Who in the fuck wants her out!?

Archie: AH SHIT HE’S A BIG DIVING SUIT MONSTER! 

*When they get out.*

Elizabeth: Oh my God it’s so great out here!

Archie: Oh crap I’m starting to like her.

*As they explore Rapture more.*

Atlas: Ah crap they’re working like a team! She’s using these small tears to help him out while he shoots stuff!

Elizabeth: I feel like I’m gonna lose my mind and go crazy seeing all this death and unpleasant stuff. :( Especially after meeting that Steinman guy.

Archie: You’re going to be alright. Nothing is gonna hurt you. Don’t become apathetic. We’ll get through this together. :)

Elizabeth: I feel comfortable with you. :)

Atlas: Now since that Big Daddy is dead. Put that Little Sister out of her misery!

Archie: Oh Hell no man! There has to be another way!

Brigid: Do not hurt my little ones. Hello young man and young girl. Use this thing to free them from their torment.

Archie: Ah thanks lady. :)

Atlas: Don’t trust her Arch! She’s responsible for them!

Archie: But she’s trying to help them! :(

Booker: Argh! I work for Ryan’s personal guard! You’re Atlas’s Dog. I’ll send my troopers to get that girl back. Including I’ll wonder if I should capture or kill you!

*After going around unpopulated and some populated parts in Rapture for nearly a week.*

Archie: Ah man Tenenbaum’s safehouse is pretty nice. And these Little Sisters are kids and are great. :) Yet Brigid seems weird around. Especially she looked like I looked familiar. Even Atlas did so too. And sometimes he says these three words sometimes and my head hurts.

Later.

Julie: These are my franken trees.

Archie and Elizabeth: Woah!

Later.

Cohen: I’m Sander Cohen and I’m a weird and disgusting artist guy! 

Archie: Ugh I don’t like him.

Elizabeth: Me neither.

Jasmine: Hi I’m Jasmine and I’m a stripper. :)

Archie: This Jasmine lady is very nice. Glad we were able to rescue her.

Later.

Bluto: Argh! Give me back Elizabeth! I’m trying to protect her! 

Archie: We need to stop the Proto-Daddy! We have to kill him.

Elizabeth: No I can’t kill the closest thing I had to a protective brother.

Archie: I understand that Elizabeth but we have to stop him or he’s gonna cause more death and destruction. I would love if there was another way. Including there’s no turning back if you have to stop him.

Elizabeth: I understand but let me be the one who has to put him down. I’m not going to enjoy this.

*Puts him through a tear that sends him into space as he falls from orbit.*

Bluto: Nooooo! You were my best friend Elizabeth!

Elizabeth: :(

Archie: I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sure he was a great friend. *Hugs her to comfort her.* You’re still a good person.

Booker: Argh! That’s it boy scout let’s fight! Why the Hell aren’t you mutating? Why are you so badass? How are you able to kill so many of my troopers with some what ease! Fight me boy scout! I’ll show you how a real soldier fights!

Archie: Okay gruff old man!

Booker: No you beat me! I just want my daughter back! She’s the only important thing in my life! She deserves better than this. :(

Elizabeth: You’re my father. 

Archie: I’m not gonna kill you because while you’re an asshole. You don’t wanna hurt children and you still love your daughter. Now let’s go Elizabeth. 

Later.

Atlas: Alright Arch we’re close to getting to Ryan. How about you go to Ryan and take him down. Whether you kill him or not. I’ll take care of Tenenbaum and Elizabeth since they trust me a lot. Even though with Tenenbaum she still doesn’t trust me fully.

Archie: Thanks Atlas. You’re a great friend. :) Now excuse me while me and some others go to Ryan. You can take care of the two closest people I’ve known in my life. I’m sure they will be in good hands.

Later.

Archie: It’s over Ryan! 

Ryan: A man chooses. A slave obeys. A broken slave has no purpose. You’re a broken machine who’s entire life was a lie. 

Archie: Bullshit. >:(

Ryan: Would you kindly? Familiar phrase.

Archie: Ah my head hurts AND OH MY GOD ATLAS KEPT USING THAT PHRASE AND I’VE BEEN SEEING WEIRD SHIT LIKE ME WANTING TO KILL YOU!

Ryan: Yes he has and you saw that Fontaine was involved in your process. Now beat me to death with this golf club so you can prove you’re just a slave.

Archie: Hell no old man! >:( *Takes the genetic key and goes back to Atlas.*

Later.

Archie: Atlas how did you know of the WYK plans?

Atlas: I don’t know what you’re talking about boyo? But hey did you know Elizabeth’s lips taste like strawberries? She tried to kiss me you know.

*Atlas gets knocked out by a wrench and Archie finds the two ladies tied up.*

Elizabeth: Oh my God you came back! I found out I was born full of ADAM!

Brigid: Yes he did thank goodness you came back. Atlas terrorized us! 

Archie: I’m here to save you two from Atlas because he’s been lying to me about a lot of stuff. *His radio gets called.* Hello?

Atlas: Code Yellow. >:)

Archie: AHHHHH! I’m slowly dying and it’s more raw now! My life is flashing right before my eyes! 

Elizabeth: Oh no Archie! :(

Brigid: We need help and have to find the stuff to stop him from dying! We owe it to him!

Archie: I’m slowly losing my mind! I’m dying! I’m remembering everything! Andrew Ryan! Frank Fontaine! Yi Suchong! Brigid Tenenbaum! Jasmine Jolene! the Lutece twins! Johnny Topside! What the Hell happened to me!? What is my life!? I’m remembering everyone I met in Rapture! I’m not 23 and actually 5 years old!? My name is Jack Ryan!? What the Hell happened to my life!?

After that he wakes up.

Archie: Brigid knew who I was! I’m angry! >:( She had a hand in ruining my life!

Elizabeth: Archie no! I forgave Brigid! Please don’t hurt her!

Brigid: Ah yes you’re pointing a gun on me that I made sure has no ammo. I think you finally remember everything. :(

Archie: My real name is Jack Ryan. I’m actually 5 years old. I literally was ordered to snap a puppy’s neck by Suchong. Frank was gonna use me to save Elizabeth and kill Ryan! You were one of the people responsible for ruining my life!? And you didn’t tell me when you found out it was me!? I’m not a actual human because of what you, Fontaine, and Suchong did to me! I was supposed to be a slave! What the Hell did Johnny Topside do to me!? >:O

Brigid: Yes I had a hand. But I feel great shame. You were meant to be a sleeper agent. But Johnny discovered you. He couldn’t handle the idea of someone like you going through that. So he kidnapped you, punched Suchong in the face, and he had help reprogramming you. I felt empathy as well. This happened when I realized what I did to the Little Sisters. Me and him changed your life. We gave you the name Archie. While the Lutece twins made sure you were in a place where Fontaine could never find you.

Archie: Johnny did that?

Brigid: Yet due to the experiments done on you. Along with you going through military training. You became stronger than you ever were. Yet it was your own choice to become a soldier.

Archie: Woah.

Brigid: Fontaine used Johnny’s death as propaganda. As if Johnny was the first to rebel against Ryan. In a way he did. But the truth was that all Johnny wanted for you was a normal life. In a way he was practically the real Atlas in a way. Since Atlas was inspired by him. Including some of Johnny’s traits and memories went to you in a different way. He became a slave to give you freedom. And I feel terrible that I couldn’t save him. :( You don’t have to forgive me. 

Archie: I forgive you. ;_; *Breaks down crying as Brigid, Elizabeth, and the Little Sisters hug him. Because before this. He showcased he was more human than he ever was.*

Later.

Archie: We gonna stop Frank! 

Atlas: Oy you fucking mistake! You were the closest thing I had to a son! You were meant to be my Ace In The Hole! Yet you didn’t kill Ryan! You got too close to Mother Goose, the Little Magician, those brats, and anyone else! Johnny Topside ruined everything! Tenenbaum betrayed! So you know what, I’m gonna take the woman you’ve grown to love! She and all the ADAM in this city are gonna make me a lot money! You are gonna die alone because you have everything I didn’t have!

Archie: Johnny Topside was more of a father than you ore Ryan could ever be! >:(

Atlas: That’s it time for the disappointment wrench! >:(

*Hits him with the disappointment wrench.*

Elizabeth: No! ;_;

Atlas: My secret is out! I gonna get the Hell out of this city! Everything’s gone busto!

Archie: We gonna save Elizabeth! He has the genetic key! We need to kill Frank Fontaine!

Daisy: We the remaining rebellion can help you!

Archie: That’s great! But I’m worried we may need some Little Sisters help to free Elizabeth! I don’t want to put them in danger.

Brigid: Don’t worry I’ll trust you and we believe in you. We’ll help however we can.

Later.

Archie: It’s okay Elizabeth! I’m coming! Holy shit Frank is that you!?

Atlas: I’m half transformed by this ADAM and using some power from Elizabeth. Now time to go mano a mano against you.

*Both men just scream battle cries at each other as they fight to the death.*

Atlas: I’m so angry at you! I’m gonna beat you to death! Meaning you can’t save this woman you’ve grown to love! 

*Miranda, Sally, and some Little Sisters free Elizabeth so she can use a tear on him.*

Atlas: Ah crap! 0_0;

*Archie screams a battle cry as he stabs Atlas in the chest with a ADAM syringe and hangs him brutally down a glass ceiling. Resulting in the death of Atlas/Frank Fontaine.*

Archie: Hooray we did it! :)

Elizabeth: Yes we did it! :)

Daisy: Fontaine is dead! Ryan is gone! Let’s make Rapture a place where a community can safely live at. :)

Archie: I’m not alone anymore too. I have a family now! 

*Two months of changing stuff as much as they can. Since there is the scary risk if Rapture is found by the surface.*

During that time, relaxation, relationships developing. Also this.

Jasmine: I’m sorry that I sold you for money. I know you must hate me. 

Archie: I forgive you. :) I understand and you’re my birth mom.

Jasmine: Thank you. ;_; *They just hug each other.* I’m so proud of you.

[incorrigible-groupie]

why the "I lost my best friend" scene in Good Omens is the worst

(For four reasons)

Number one ! Someone on Twitter said that the last time Aziraphale was on the phone with Crowley, Crow said that he was with an old friend. So Az thought Crow was talking about someone else when he said « best friend ». Dumbass.

Number two ! That’s something I realized on my own, but when Az is in front of Crow - and let’s not talk about the fact that the only place, THE ONLY PLACE where he materialize is next to Crow, you know, like this is where he belongs… - when he is in front of Crow, he actually can’t see him. He is totally blind, go watch it again if you don’t believe me. So not only he doesn’t know Crow thinks he is his best friend. But even if one day he finds out, he will never know how much devastated Crow was, because he didn’t see him. AH.

Number three ! Does Crow see him, or does he just feel him ? Actually ? Like, Az can’t see Crow and Crow can’t see Az too ? It could make sense, that Crowley can’t see how Aziraphale was disappointed by the fact that he wasn’t his best friend, I mean he would have say something otherwise ! You know, being the annoying demon he is.

Also, Crow seemed surprised when Az stopped to talk to him, like he didn’t expect him to disappear, while we saw clearly that Az was dissolving… like Peter Parker after the Snap!

The fact that we could see it doesn’t mean that THEY could see it.

I have a theory that, we see Crowley as David Tennant and Aziraphale as Michael Sheen because we want to see them that way. The same reason why we hear them speaking english… why would they speak english, of all languages, is God British too? That would also explain why in 6000 years no one in the universe said « hey, they looked like someone I saw on a painting, or an old photograph ! » I mean technically Az and Crow don’t have faces they’re an angel and a demon, you really want to know how they looked like in the Bible ? Don’t. It’s actually terrifying. So maybe some people see them as women, some people see them as men or women of color. The only thing that never disappear is their… mark that represent them, you know like the snake or the golden stripes like… I wonder what is Aziraphale’s mark. Could be his blue eyes (you know like the Velvet Underground song) or his white hair, I mean he never change his haircut !

He never change his haircut... I think that’s most because, well angels and demons are not supposed to look like humans. The best thing about humanity, the thing that Aziraphale and Crowley adore, is this capacity to evolve. But when you’re an angel or a demon you can’t evolve, you have one job to do, one place to go, one thing to deal with for all eternityyyyyyy. BUT Crowley doesn’t give a damn about it, so you can clearly see that he evolves with the humans by watching his haircut, and Aziraphale is WAY to scared to do that. Because the angels are bitches with him, pushing him on the wall, probably even strangling him with his bow tie. (Let’s not talk about the fact that when it’s Crowley he trusts him so much that he’s not even scared, not even if he’s traumatized. OH MY GOSH.)

Anyway, about their appearance, Crowley and Aziraphale recognized themselves maybe because they just feel each other ? How would Aziraphale know Crowley was still demon otherwise ? You know, before the oysters thingy. Az knew Crow was still a demon but the other demons didn’t realize during the trial that it wasn’t Crowley, WHAT KIND OF COLLEGUES ARE THEY ??? 

(((By the way, the whole swapping moment, unbelievable. Every details the actors put on their way to play those character, with such love it’s… DAMN. Thank you so much whoever had the idea to put David and Michael together. I knew David thanks to Doctor Who and Jessica Jones (great season 1 and loved season 3), but I discovered Michael thanks to Good Omens. He is such a great actor and… I’m actually watching Masters Of Sex, a nice show by the way it’s like Sex Education but much mature, and way sadder. Like Michael Sheen is Otis, and Lizzy Caplan is Maeve, kinda. I watch Masters Of Sex, and I’m ace ! WHAT THE HECK ?? What was I talking about again ?)))

Number four ! I really, truly believe that Az and Crow think they are friends, BUT. That’s because they didn’t experience love the same way as we, humans, does.

What is love ? Baby don’t hurt me SORRY

But seriously who was the first one who loved Az and Crow « unconditionally » ? Yeah I’m talking about the Big One. Which I think is gender fluid, you can’t mess up that much while being a woman. Also Big One Almighty have a «woman» voice but it’s okay to call Them Lord ? Also okay to say They are Jesus’ Father ?

Oh yeah and let’s talk about Jesus, because it was a big deal for the angel and the demon. So the Almighty, their Creator, their Dad/Mum, Who should forgive everyone, smashed angels into the ground so they became demons, drown an entire civilization because They weren’t happy about it, let Their own son, Their own son, die ! If this is really the definition of love, then love is an abusive bullshit. Aziraphale is with the angels, who are supposed to be good so probably full of love, a love they like to demonstrate while choking him. And Crowley, Crowley… I really think he is sad about Jesus’ death like, it pushed him on his limits. After Jesus died, he cut his gorgeous hair for the first time, he began to be bitter with Aziraphale, he didn’t even search for Aziraphale ! I’m sure Crowley adored Jesus and it was like « well if even a demon can melt for that little fellow the Almighty must be so full of love for him » and then he was nailed on a cross ! I’m sure J stands for Jesus, and like do you know what are the initials of Anthony J Crowley ? AJC ! Like After Jesus Christ ! Am I going to far ! YES OBVIOUSLY !

All I’m saying is… Letting your son to suffer ? And to die ? Is that love ? Is that what Crowley is supposed to feel for Aziraphale ? Is that what Aziraphale think about Crowley ? Heck no. So they definitely are not lovers. Soul mate ? I saw that some people think Aziraphale and Crowley were one single soul before the fall, which is kinda true because in the first version of the Book by Pratchett and Gaiman there was only one demon. And after the fall their soul might have been split in two, one being Crowley and the other being Aziraphale and… they’re always together because they only feel complete when they have each other. Which is cute. But I don’t really like the fact that they aren’t their own soul, I don’t know. I don’t like the fact that they aren’t their own individuals. Also it doesn’t explain why Az didn’t even know what was Crow’s name while Crowley knew that Aziraphale had the flaming sword AHA.

(((Oh! Some people think that Az is War’s dad, because he gave the first weapon to humanity and I’m like… YES ! And Crow gave people knowledge and free will and to have free will is to have the right to not fight, so to make peace so in a way Crowley created Peace ? Does that make sense ?)))

My point is Az and Crow are really bad at their job because that’s all it is, begin a demon or an angel at the end, it’s a job. Gabriel, Belzebuth, they’re not doing it by conviction, they’re doing it because they think they were told to do so. Well, they have the conviction that they are following a Plan but you know, like okay so we’re on this side, the enemy is on the other side but it’s just like chess there are black pawns and there are white pawns. You just have to win.

And they all follow God’s Plan ? Which is weird because demons shouldn’t follow God’s Plan right ???? Does Lucifer was like « oh yeah let’s please the Big One by creating the being who can provoke the Apocalypse what do you mean I’m a rebel ? ». Lucifer didn’t look like Tom Ellis either, by the way. Maybe, you know, in American Gods way, the fact that we believe so much that Lucifer is a monster he became one, just like the fact that Adam believe Lucifer isn’t his dad made him… not his dad. 

The power of Faith humans have.

I don’t think that it was a test for humans, like yeah the Antechrist who was raised by humans decided that Earth was worth saving kinda mean we won because there is still hope for us can i hear a yahoo… 

But actually I think that God, as messed up as They may be, is the biggest shipper of us all. 

I think the all Apocalypse thing was a test for Aziraphale and Crowley. To show their true nature.

Like I said before, they sucked at their job. Which is what make them lovable. God probably knew and God probably wanted them to be free, free of Heaven and Hell because the Apocalypse was their limit. All the other missions they did on Earth were obsolete compare to that, so all they could do was to raise their voice this time like « no freaking way we don’t want to do this mission ». If God didn’t mess with the delivery of the baby, you know the exchange and all that stuff, none of this would have happened. Az and Crow had been together for 6000 years but this mission ? This mission showed them how much they want to stay on earth, and why, and yes of course one of the reasons is so they could be together pffff…

You know, if they didn’t have the opportunity to scare the angels and the demons so they should leave them alone (during the trial), their relationship surely wouldn’t have grown that much. Having lunch to the Ritz was a big step. They wanted SO MUCH to be together, and only their status was keeping them appart. I read a theory that the main reason why Crow hated to be called «nice», when it didn’t bother him before, was because being nice is something Az love about Crow. He doesn’t care that he shouldn’t be nice, clearly he doesn’t care what the demons think of him, he’s even prepared in case they try to kill him. (YOU KNOW THE KIND OF THINGS YOU DO BETWEEN COLLEGUES !) But Az does care about what his colleagues think because he is scared of them and so he can’t love a demon, even if that demon is nice. So, when Az calls Crowley «nice», it reminds of Crowley that not only Aziraphale likes him, but also that he shouldn’t be and that’s the reason why Aziraphale can’t be with him.

But now that they’re both free, Aziraphale can call Crowley « kind » and Crowley can imagine a future with Aziraphale, they can have a relationship. They can kiss, or not, if that’s not what they are into. Aziraphale could have a beard and no bow tie to be choke with. Crowley could have his snake eyes less obvious, his snake tattoo smaller. 

With a bookshop full of plants.

And maybe one day they will realize that love isn’t something that should be abusive or maybe they will find another human word that describe their relationship. But until then there’s no word to describe how much they are connected to each other. 

It’s simply… ineffable.

[redhoodieone]

Don’t Tell Me Part 5

A/N: Okay, so here is part 5. Sorry this chapter is kind of short, but I felt like I needed to show how Bruce really feels about the whole situation with Jason, Y/N, and Tim. Now the question is: can Jason ever redeem himself? How you enjoy some angst and a lot of feelings! Lol! 

Warnings: Well, language and confessions, really. But the next chapter will not be this clean though.

Jason knew his world was over when he saw the video clip of Y/N, lying on the hospital bed passed out, injured horribly because of him. He was still feeling uneasy about watching the Joker eating those robin’s eggs just to prove his sick point, as well. Of all the ways Joker could have gotten to him, he just had to choose the way where Jason wants nothing more than to finally put the Joker down underground with his spine ripped out and his head full of lead.

The image in his mind made Jason feel almost helpful that he could find Y/N, and save her and their child. But he knew he had to remain focused. Oracle, Nightwing, and Robin were busy attempting to find Y/N, Tim, and the Joker on the Bat-computer, while Red Hood and Batman were on top of Ace Chemicals, just waiting for anything, any sign. The silence between them is worse than Bruce screaming at him, Jason believes. Jason couldn’t remember a time where Bruce was never disappointed in him. He couldn’t figure out which was worse: Bruce’s disappointment in him, or Bruce being at a loss for words. Jason suddenly wishes Bruce wasn’t there with him so he could rip apart every building and warehouse to find them himself. But no...Bruce believes in strategies, and to always be a hundred steps ahead of everyone and everything. Just like Tim Drake. “You’re disappointed in me.” Jason’s words slightly surprise Bruce, even if he doesn’t move a muscle or change his usual serious expression. Batman sighs and relaxes his tensed body. “Why would you think that?”

“Let’s see…you’ve been disappointed in me since the day you met me. Remember how you and Alfred would have ‘little’ meetings in the cave, when you both thought I was already asleep in my bed? Come on Bruce, I was a little shithead back then and I’m still one now. I’m not fucking stupid, and I know for a fact you both thought I was too angry and too stubborn to see when I was crossing the line when you and I would fight alongside as partners. Fuck Bruce…” Jason says, shaking his head at his past mistakes. If only Bruce could see how Jason feels. “I’m the biggest asshole in the world, and you know what? After everything I have done so far, I honestly think when I die again, well permanently die I should say, I’ll definitely go back to hell and stay there for…eternity, I guess. I’ll be assigned to work with the devil, or until I take over his job because let’s face it…I’ll never be able to redeem myself ever again.”

Bruce smirks beside him. Jason glances over with a questioning look. “Don’t you think you’re punishing yourself a little harsh right now?” he asks, seriously.

“You don’t get it, Bruce. I slept with Tim’s girlfriend. I fucked Y/N, and I got her pregnant. And to top it off…I…fucking love her. I’m in love with her, and-and I feel like it’s all my fault.”

“How would this entire problem be your fault?”

“Because I knew Tim loved her, and I still did what I did because I couldn’t help but give into my feelings,” Jason admits softly, before kicking an empty soda can off the edge. “Fuck feelings and fuck everything! If I didn’t feel anything, none of this would have happened!”

“Even if you didn’t have feelings, something bad would always happen. You can’t blame yourself for things happening, when they’re not in your control,” Bruce replies, as calmly as he can.

“Y/N changed me…and I wish she didn’t…” Jason confesses quietly. “I wish I was the same, selfish, asshole who only cared about himself and did things his way. Life seemed better and easier back then. Couldn’t life stay that way and-”

“But something tells me you don’t mean any of that,” Bruce interrupts. He faces his son, and he gives him the look that he’s done hearing guilt, pity, and complaints. “It’s okay to have feelings. Even if I…have my own set of issues with feelings, I’ve come to see feelings are what keeps people going. And I know Y/N changed you, I knew since the first time she became a part in our family. I saw the way you would light up by just seeing her or being close to her. It’s okay to feel that way because sometimes, life likes to give back to those who deserve to feel love and to be loved. Even when we do or don’t get to choose who we’re attached to, it’s always a pleasant feeling to know that you matter to them and they matter to you. And as for mistakes, you’re not the only one who has made terrible mistakes, Jason.”

Jason scoffs sarcastically. “As if you, the almighty Batman has fucked up once or twice in his life. You have practically lived your life as a good boy and a kind gentleman raised by Alfred.”

“No, no I never had a guilt-free or pure life, Jason. I…was an awful child after my parents died. I rebelled against Alfred many times. I partied at just fourteen-years-old, drank as much as I could, fucked many easy women who just wanted to fuck me because I was rich, and I wasted so much money on shit I never needed,” Bruce reveals, with a small smile. He must think back and laugh at his wild antics, because everyone who knows Bruce now wouldn’t believe any word he’s saying. “I actually lived up to the playboy reputation, which is something I still have to continue to protect my secrets and my family. I…have done some dirty, fucked up shit, Jason. I even tried to sleep with Lois Lane, just to get back at Superman for fucks sake. Hell, even I cheated on women, and I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I have actually fucked half or…more women in the league, and do you know why? Because I can, and that power has stuck with me ever since. But let me tell you this, and please…please believe me when I say it. I know for a fact that you’re not the bad guy you make yourself out to be. I know you have never done anything awful or hurtful to women, and I respect you for that. I respect how you still care about Y/N, even when its clear sex wasn’t the only reason you stuck around. I know for a fact that Y/N means the world to you, and I admire that. While I can disagree and be angry with how she cheated on Tim, I have to confess that you loving someone other than yourself just shows how at the end of the day, you don’t disappoint me like you think you do.”

Jason exhales deeply and lowers his head down. He focuses on the passing cars, lit up signs and buildings, and the cloudy sky that shows it’s going to rain soon.

“But can’t you just agree with me when I say I can’t be a father? How can me, a fucking, angry zombie, be a father to a child who could or couldn’t be like me?” Jason breaks down. His voice breaks, and the tears fall. “If I can’t get my shit together, what makes you think I can raise someone better than me?”

Bruce, realizing Jason needs him more than ever, embraces him. Jason knew Bruce despised hugs while in his Batman costume, but the hug is what keeps Jason from breaking down anymore. “If anything, you’ll be the best father you can be, Jason. After everything that’s built you, destroyed you, and remade you to who you are, you’re destined to raise, protect, and love a child, and to love someone who loves you back. You’re going to be the best father you can be, because deep down, I believe all my sons, even Damian, want to be happy and have families. Believe me, Jason. After everything that’s happened to you, you deserve a happy ending more than anything,” Bruce discloses.

“Tim will never forgive me,” Jason whispers, the pain in his voice is clear to his father. He puts his helmet back on. “Now how am I supposed to live with myself knowing that?”

Bruce pats Jason’s shoulder. Jason tries to keep more tears in his eyes, so he won’t cry again. “You give yourself time. Tim gives you time. Time will heal you both and will make you better men.”

A gush of wind above them alerts them. Batman and Red Hood get into their fighting stances, until strong, heavy feet land before them. Red Hood looks up after he regains his focus, and sees Superman standing in front of them, with an angry scowl on his face.

“Martian Manhunter was found just outside of Gotham. He’s severely injured, and he has informed me that Joker and Scarecrow are working with Tim. They plan to keep Y/N there until she gives birth,” Superman notifies Batman.

“No…” Red Hood whispers. The fear, the rage, and determination to stop this is stronger than ever.

“Did he say where they’re located now?” Batman asks.

Superman nods his head. “You won’t believe me if I tell you, but they’re at Joker’s Playground,” he hesitates to admit.

“And why wouldn’t I believe that?” Batman asks.

“Because…they’re recreating the same mental and physical torture that Tim went through as Robin, and this time, it’s Y/N.”

“Tim was tortured for three weeks, so whatever damage that has happened Y/N can be cured, right?!” Red Hood demands at Batman.

Batman growls under his breath. While Superman and Red Hood wait for Batman to gather his thoughts together, he looks at them with dread in his eyes. “If Scarecrow’s involved with the Joker, then this situation has just worsened. If we don’t stop them now, we’ll lose Tim and Y/N…forever.”

[asklaytonandwright]

Spoilers for the Mystery-Solving Files (Layton Anime)

I. AM. SO. PO’D! The ending of Mystery-Solving Files sucked! It ended so abruptly, they didn’t solve the whole mystery of Sherl, Professor Layton and Luke were only in the current time for like five minutes- and Lucy and Al didn’t even say anything, nor was anything said about them!

How is Alfendi supposed to also be Hershel’s son, when Kat doesn’t even seem to know about him!? The only thing I can guess is that they’re planning to make something else to tie it all together, it hasn’t been that long.

But that is no excuse for making the ending so unsatisfying! It’s like, oh, a great cataclysm? No big deal, it’s the future’s problem. Hahah, that’s it, mystery solved, everybody go home. That’s right, Luke, Prof., just pretend like you never left, go directly back to what you were doing before all of this.

I bet Alfendi is adopted too! Wouldn’t surprise me! After all, Prof couldn’t meet someone new, move on and have at least one kid of his own, right? And where the hell was Flora!? To the dismay of some, she WAS adopted by Hershel as well. What did she just move away and never bother to wonder what he was up to? Kat didn’t think she might know something? Did she just die? What!?

Is Emmy not coming back? That’s a shame, I liked her, oh well, who cares. And what about in Mystery Room, where nobody said anything about Hershel being missing? I know they didn’t plan very far ahead, but wasn’t Barton talking to him at the end of it? Maybe it took place after he returned. But you’d think Hershel might want to pop in to see his son!

I am so glad that Katrielle and Liza were a part of this. I LOVE Kat, she’s so energetic and quirky. She fits better in Ace Attorney, really, she’s a lot like Maya. And I do believe I’ve fallen for Liza after her second episode. She’s just the best. If it weren’t for them, I think I’d be upset I watched the whole thing.

That’s one more thing! They showed Kat finding her dad, right? Then they just decided to take a 10-15 episode break before expanding on that!?!?!? When exactly did it happen!? It must have been after the whole Ernest thing, but it’s just so irritating! Imagine waiting for the next ep to come out after they were found, and being met with a regular case. You’d be like “What!? What the heck happened to the professor!? Why does Kat seem unconcerned? Were they just fine? Did they skip the reunion?”

Then you’d have to wait until the second to last episode to find out that they put them out of order for some stupid reason. And here’s one more thing! WHY couldn’t that baron or whoever not have at least made sure his own DAUGHTER didn’t suffer and be absolutely poor!? I didn’t understand in the game, and I don’t now. You could’ve at least made sure they didn’t live in poverty, what with living in your own freaking MANSION!!! You could have spared a little to at least keep them going, supposing the diamonds were worth a FORTUNE!

I’m sorry. Please excuse my rant... I just can’t forgive shoddiness in a series so dear to me. I’ve loved the Layton games for years now, and it seems like they won’t just let it die peacefully, but make it suffer... At least Ace Attorney is doing okay..... When they eventually come out with the next, that is!

Rant over, love,

-The Manager

[reawakenment]

promises unmade

[] lithium goddess to flower on fire

“do we get perfect endings, uldren?”

he hasn’t been drinking. we haven’t been drinking. it had just been a very long and very hard day. night. day.

we’d been on duty for over 36 hours.

it happens.

we’ve finally been granted rack time. i roll over in my bunk to face the alley in the center of the cabin. “perfect endings?” i ask.

“yeah.” he’s in the bunk below mine so i can’t see his face. i can barely detect the inflection in his tone. the ambient noise on the vali apera is more like an unrelenting groan of metal and insulation and, these days, dangerous hope.

“what kind of a perfect ending?”

“i dunno.” he sighs. “some kind. any kind. do we get those?”

i tuck my arm beneath my head and give his question serious thought. it’s not often i get to think about things other than combat tactics and politics and supply allocation and settlement defense and trying not to get myself or my command killed in action.

“i don’t know, viper,” i finally reply. i had said it softly, so i’m not sure that he heard me.

jolyon had called me by my first name, uldren. i had referred to him by his call sign, viper. i wonder what that means.

i hear movement in the bunk below. “yeah. neither do i.” there’s more movement. i know that he’s kicking at the blanket, throwing his body against the mattress pad. lieutenant jolyon till has always been a fussy sleeper when it came to the racks. he always had to nest before being able to sleep.

me, i can crash out anywhere. something viper says i got from the crown. our queen. my sister.

when the shifting and the thumping stops, i call down to him, “why did you ask?”

it’s been a long while since we’ve been able to talk like this. since some paladin-pure decided to try to nuke the hell out of the hull as we were leaving the distributary, forcing a premature launch back into solspace, it’s been a little on the busy side, trying to build a home here in the asteroid belt.

such is the life of a soldier and settler, i suppose.

i never wanted that kind of life.

i wonder if jolyon wanted that kind of life. he’s a natural born pilot, though; there is no denying it. gods, he’s so much better than i could ever hope to be. if he were only more interested professionally, he would be squadron leader and commander air group and i would be lieutenant under him.

“why did you ask?” i say again. i close my eyes and try to focus in on the cabin and try to shut out the sounds coming from the rest of the skiff.

“because, uldren… it won't be long.”

i frown. “what does that mean?”

“it means that i know that it won’t be much longer until everything i've ruined… everything i’ve managed to frack up… will see me dead and gone.”

i open my eyes wide. he is standing now, his face close to mine, his arms folded on the edge of my bunk, his chin resting on top of them.

“jolyon… don’t talk like that,” i whisper to him.

he smiles at me, a strange little half smile, and i see the muscles around his eyes twitch faintly. he’s sad. no, sad is too weak a word, he’s… devastated. by his memories. by his regrets. i know this. i know. “it’s all like flowers, you know? flowers wither and die. you can’t save them. you can’t bring them back. my love is the same. everything and everyone that i love, they wither and die and fade away and i can’t save them.”

his voice breaks at the end and i feel a sharp pain in my chest. i can’t bear to see him cry. and i know that he would rather jump out of the closest airlock than to shed a tear in front of me, in front of anyone. i reach out with one hand and place it on the back of his head, gently stroking his hair. it’s gotten so long since we’ve been out here on endless training missions and patrols. “that’s not true, jolyon. it’s not.”

“isn’t it?” he laughs, that short bark of a caustic laugh he lets slip more often than not. “in time, uldren, i pray to the gods that you'll forgive me.”

i shake my head and give him a sad smile of my own. he’s still… punishing himself for the death of one of the nephews of my sister’s advisers. the boy wasn’t qualified to pilot; the instructors had erred in passing him in basic flight, but the rookie also knew damn well that he wasn’t qualified. he knew better than to get into that cockpit. he was complicit in his own demise.

the greater tragedy was that jolyon had him in his fighter group. jolyon could have grounded him. jolyon should have grounded him. but he didn’t. and so the boy, several members of the hangar staff, and two pilots awaiting takeoff were killed.

that rookie had no business being in my starspace. he killed himself and my crew, not jolyon.

i’m surprised that it’s so easy for me to admit that. it pains me still, but the thoughts come freely now. perhaps i am just too fragged to care. “i’ve already forgiven you, jolyon. you made a mistake. so did the rookie.”

“that doesn’t mean that i’ve changed.” his voice is so high and soft, so unlike him. the smile fades from my lips as i watch him. as he watches me. he’s staring at me, as though he’s searching for something. “now that you know the person i am, can you forgive me?”

i continue to stroke his hair. it amazes me how soft it is. it always looks as though it would be coarse to the touch, the way he keeps it twisted up like a rooster’s tail. “i told you, jolyon, i’ve already forgiven you even though i don’t need to or have to. and i like the person that you are.”

at that, he laughs, the wry laugh, and he grins. “i dunno, commander, maybe you shouldn’t like me. i don’t think i’m someone a rising young officer like yourself should be seen consorting with.”

it’s my turn to grin now. “who’s consorting?”

the side of his mouth quirks upward in an even bigger, lopsided grin. “hmm, seems to me that your touching me might be construed as being a little bit on the fresh side.”

“something wrong with one friend offering another a measure of comfort?” i challenge with a smile.

something, my words, the look on my face, i’m not sure what, makes his eyes fade slightly and the grin slip just a little. “i just… i see him in the walkways, i see people… they turn their heads and quickly look away.”

“no, they don’t.”

“feels like it.”

“you should stop feeling so damn guilty. the commission cleared you and i don’t give a good goddamn what the council thinks, they have no say out here. you and i, we’re square, right?” he barely nods. i probably would not have recognized the movement as a nod if i weren’t carefully holding him by the back of his head. i let my hand slip down to the join of his neck and shoulder and gently rub the skin and muscle there. “you’re not the only one with the checkered past, you know. i’ve fallen. hell, we all fall down. if you want to get theosophical, we’re all like grains of sand, constantly moving, tumbling, sometimes with purpose, sometimes in free-fall. it happens all of the time. it happens to everyone. from the oldest of the old to a newborn baby, it just happens every day.”

“you sound like a song,” he mutters, his eyes turned away from mine. but i can see the hint of a smile still on his face.

“if i sound like a song then i must be one hell of a broken rhyme, you know?” i continue to stroke his neck and shoulder. “i’ve felt the way you feel. there are days when i think that i am no longer there, on the inside.” i give his shoulder a small squeeze. “if only i could…”

i stop myself. i’m not sure how he would interpret the words i can’t say. i’m not sure how i would interpret them.

“if only you could what, uldren?” he asks me. he looks at me with brilliant golden eyes. he seems so young and innocent right now. he doesn’t seem like an ace cerberus pilot with hundreds of kills or a preternatural talent for sniping or a genius skill for flying. he reaches up and takes my hand from his shoulder and holds it between both of his hands, holds it between us on the bunk. i can feel his thumb softly glide over the skin of my right hand. “if you could only what?”

i’m squad leader. i’m the commander air group. i’m uldren sov. i’m the prince, dammit, i can say this. i’ve known jolyon for what seems like forever. fought alongside him. laughed with him. cried because of him. he’s saved my life and i’ve returned the favor. i can say it. we’re friends. i can say it.

it’s okay.

“if i could… call the rain to melt and to wash off the pain you feel, i would, jolyon.” i find myself staring at him, unable to break eye contact. “every day you give of yourself. to me, to the others, to everyone in the fleet. you show us, you show me what the truth can be. your truth. simple. pure. you’re not selfish; don’t believe asis. he’s still in love with the bottle and that wife of his is in love with power. it’s turned his head completely around and some days he can’t fight against that. the colonel has no idea of who you are nor of the gifts you give us.” i shift position to hold his hands in mine and bow my head. “thank you,” i murmur into his skin. “thank you for entering my life. it never made much sense to me before, but, with what you’ve shown me, now i think i know who i am and what it is that i am meant to do.”

i can tell that it’s made him uncomfortable. i’m not sure how my words have really made me feel. i’m light-headed, but i don’t know if it’s exhaustion finally setting in or the honesty of the situation affecting me. “that’s, ah, pretty poetic of you there, your highness,” he finally says, his tone dry but amused.

self-defense.

i know that he calls me your highness to remind me and to remind him of the restrictions of duty.

i managed to shrug even though i am lying on my side. “what can i say, even i can get inspired.” i give him what i hope to be a mischievous look. “you’re not the only artist on the vali apera, you know.”

he laughs and i laugh along with him. “is that so?”

“hey, that was a pretty fine effort from me there.”

“true, true, i have to give you marks for effort.”

“and what about execution?” i ask, putting on a show of a pout.

he snorts at that and rolls his eyes. “yeah, well, just don’t quit your day job, ‘kay?”

i chuckle. “if i did that, that would make you cag.”

he rolls his eyes again at that, and snickers, “oh, hells no, that just won’t do. i don’t think the old man would go for it and asis sure as hell wouldn’t. me, cag?” he snorts and shakes his head in a negative. “wouldn’t that be the biggest lie.” his amusement subsides and he adds, “it would be fitting though. one more lie.”

“one more lie?” i echo. he is so bound by regret, i’m nearly staggered by it.

“with every lie that i live, parts of me detach and fade away,” he continues, his voice low and soft. “i feel like i am just a shadow on the inside. empty. numb. i’m not sure i know myself anymore.”

“you know me.” i don’t know what prompted me to say that, but the words come, almost of their own accord. a bizarre combination of images and scents come to my mind, lithium, fire, flowers. i’m not sure what they mean, other than the fact that i am tired, desperately tired, and so is he.

“i still know you,” he repeats slowly. then he shakes his head, a frown on his features. “but do you know me anymore? am i the same? there are times when i think that i am and there are times when all i see is that shadow, times when i look inside myself and see my heart is… black.” he hangs his head, avoiding me.

i pull my hand from his and take him by the chin, tilting his face upwards so i can see him. “hey. hey,” i say again. “have you ever not been there for me?”

“what?”

“have you ever not been there for me? when my ass is on the line and needs saving, have you ever not been around?”

“that’s—”

“important. if i call for you, even if i don’t, you’re always there.”

“are you trying to say that i am reliable?”

“i’m trying to say that i would be dead without you.” i swallow, beset by a nervousness that i can’t qualify, and tell him, “when i’ve faced death out there, among the stars, when i close my eyes to see what little there is of my life pass by…”

he licks his lips. “yeah?”

“…the only thing i see is you.”

there is a strange look on his face, one unknown to me. i know that i have moved our friendship and our professional relationship into some sort of grey territory with my honesty, but i am tired and i no longer seem to care. i give his chin a brief caress. “for all the times you’ve saved me, all of the times you’ve stood by my side, thank you, jolyon.” i take in a shallow breath and decide to set it all out in the open, for the save of honesty. “you mean so much to me.”

for a moment, a long, aching, agonizing moment, there’s no reply from him.

i stare into his eyes as he looks back at me. i don’t know what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling. his expression is unreadable. i look at him and i can’t help but to think, you'll never know how much you mean to me.

“thank you, uldren,” he finally responds.

i try to swallow down the sensation of having my heart in my throat. “for what?”

he cocks his head to one side and smiles. “my turn to be poetic. here lies my life,” he says gently, taking a finger and pointing it at my chest. “i never felt real to me, but you did. you do. you are the realest thing in my world, the one person that keeps me in the here and now, that grounds me.” the look on his face becomes serious and he takes his hand and places his palm to my cheek. “you being in my life,” he whispers, “it means so much more to me than it ever should.” he leans forward and kisses my forehead, soft, chaste. the fringes of his hair brush against my skin, making me unintentionally shudder. “good night, uldren,” he sighs as he steps away and disappears from my view.

i hear him climb into his bunk.

“good night, jolyon,” i whisper as i close my eyes, as i wait for sleep to finally claim me.

i’m squadron leader. i’m the commander air group. i’m uldren sov. i’m the prince of the awoken.

and closing my eyes, hiding away in dreams, it’s all i can do.

[musicprincess655]

“Furuya-kun, wait!” Satoru gasped for breath, trying to calm the magic flickering along his skin. Too hot, too bright, too much. It hurt.

“Furuya! Take a break!” Kataoka called.

“I’m fine,” Satoru said.

“You’re not and I won’t have you hurting yourself the first week back,” Kataoka said sternly. “Go sit out for at least ten minutes. When you come back, try improving your stamina and control.”

Satoru took the towel someone tossed at him and sat on the bench. He felt more than heard someone sit next to him.

“Stop trying to force yourself,” Haruichi said. Satoru moved the towel to look at him. His eyes looked even more judgmental now that he didn’t have bangs covering them up. “We’ve been over this. Control is more important that power. You already have the power you need. With control, power will follow.”

Satoru looked down at his feet.

“I thought you moved past this,” Haruichi said. He sounded more gentle this time. “At the end of last year, you were getting so good. Even Miyuki-senpai said so. You were improving. What happened?”

((Tired, scared faces.))

“What if it’s not enough?” Satoru asked.

“What?”

“Eijun has better control than me, and he can’t even attack people directly anymore,” Satoru said. “If he has a drop in power, someone has to cover for him, right?”

“No…that’s not…” Haruichi stuttered, sighing as he shook it off. “It’s not your job to cover for Eijun-kun, you know? He’s got his own issues that he’s working on. You have to work on yours.”

“And what if it’s not enough?”

“You’re not enough right now,” Haruichi said. Satoru winced. “More power isn’t going to change that if you take yourself out after one shot. We need someone with stamina and control, not someone we have to protect because he’s a one hit wonder.”

That put a squeeze on Satoru’s chest.

“Everyone looks scared,” he said. “What am I worth if I can’t fix that?”

He felt Haruichi go still next to him.

“This all started when we went to visit your parents,” he said slowly. “What did you see there that scared you?”

“I’m not…”

“Yes you are,” Haruichi argued. “I just realized it, but you are. What did you see?”

((Dark circles under eyes, a voice that trembled.))

“I’m the one that’s supposed to protect everyone,” Satoru said softly. “I’ve always been that person. I’m the only one with magic. I’m the only one who can.”

“We know what’s wrong now,” Haruichi said. “We’re not fighting some faceless monster anymore. And the fight’s coming to us, not to your hometown. In a way, they’re safer now than we are.”

He had a point.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t want to protect everyone here, though,” Satoru pointed out. “And if Eijun is moving to defense, the only ones we have that are good at offense are me and Tanba-senpai. I can’t ask him to do everything himself.”

“You’re not,” Haruichi assured him. “You’re helping more by learning how to control all that power you have than by trying to increase it. Trust me.”

Satoru rubbed the mark on his hand that connected him to Haruichi. They weren’t bound like Haruichi’s brother and Kuramochi had been, but they were undeniably drawn to each other. They’d been improving their teamwork recently. Haruichi was right about the direction they had to go, of course, but that didn’t mean Satoru had to like it.

“What are you thinking about?” Haruichi asked.

“Everyone here looks like everyone back home.”

Haruichi looked at their team scattered around the practice field, sharp pink eyes observing.

“They kind of do,” Haruichi agreed. “But they don’t look as helpless. We can do something.”

((“Find a way to save us.”))

“It’s been ten minutes,” Satoru said. “I want to get back to practicing.”

“If you don’t pace yourself, we’ll end up right back here,” Haruichi warned, but he stood to follow Satoru. “You should trust in our teammates. Trust that Tanba-senpai can handle offense. Trust Eijun to fix his issues. Trust Kawakami-senpai to handle defense. Trust everyone else to need your support but not your protection. Trust me as your partner.”

He kissed the mark on Satoru’s hand. Satoru nodded. He could try that.

“I still think you’d be better off with a familiar as a pair,” Haruichi said, a twisted smile stretching his face. “I’m not that great at controlling other people’s magic, and we don’t even have compatible kinds. And I don’t really amplify you like a familiar would.”

((“Stay close to Haruichi.” His mother’s eyes were warm despite the dark shadows under them, and her voice was clear through the tremor. “He seems to have a good head on his shoulders. He’s a good partner for you.”))

“I don’t want a different partner,” Satoru said. “Besides, Miyuki-senpai is focused on Eijun.”

“Miyuki-senpai isn’t the only familiar on the team.”

“I want you. I’m stronger with you.”

Haruichi blushed.

“You’re unstable with me,” he corrected. “No wonder I can’t risk giving you my brother’s essence. You keep going directly away from the things that would give you more control.”

“So I’ll work on control. How long is that going to take?”

“It’s not going to happen overnight!” Despite himself, Haruichi was laughing. “You have to work at it steadily until you improve. There’s no shortcut for this.”

Satoru must have pouted, because Haruichi laughed harder.

“Don’t give me that look,” he said. “Stop looking for the easy way out and start taking the hard way.”

Satoru tried. More than he’d ever tried before, he focused on stamina, control, stamina, control, staminaroll… He chanted it over and over, remembering it throughout practice. Kataoka didn’t make him sit out again.

Somehow, he was even more tired at the end of practice despite not going all out.

“Do you want to pick up food on the way home?” Haruichi asked as they walked out of the showers. Satoru nodded, letting his head loll on his neck. He really just wanted to sleep. Only his growling stomach kept him from passing out standing up. “Furuya-kun? What do you want?”

Oh. They were at the konbini.

Satoru grabbed the first things he saw that were remotely appealing. Before he knew it, both of them were stumbling into his apartment. He thought Haruichi might have taken the key from his pocket when he didn’t respond to any prompts to unlock the door.

He chewed his food absently, no chatter from Haruichi to distract him or keep him awake. Leaving the wrappers on the table, Satoru leaned over to curl into Haruichi’s shoulder.

“Furuya-kun?”

Satoru just nuzzled into Haruichi’s shoulder, already falling asleep.

“See? Working on your control is way harder than working on your power,” Haruichi said, draping his arm over Satoru’s shoulders. Satoru nodded. “Don’t you want to get into the futon before you go to sleep?”

With some shuffling – mostly from Haruichi; Satoru wasn’t helping much – they got into the futon. It would have been cramped if Haruichi hadn’t been so small and if they didn’t prefer to sleep pressed against each other anyway. As it was, when Haruichi wiggled under Satoru’s chin, they fit perfectly. Satoru pressed a kiss into the top of Haruichi’s head.

“When will you give me your brother’s essence?” he asked sleepily.

“When I’m convinced it won’t tear you apart,” Haruichi replied. “And before you argue, he agrees with me. It probably won’t be before the death spell gets activated, so you’ll have to depend on the skills you can get between now and then.”

Satoru hummed.

“I won’t let you die,” Haruichi promised. “I’ll be right by your side all the time, and they won’t be able to kill me. I’d just appreciate a little help so I can make sure my brother doesn’t die either.”

“What happens after?”

“After?”

“After you give me his essence.”

Haruichi fell silent.

“Are we going back to Hell?”

“We have to,” Haruichi said. “Earth won’t be our place anymore. It’s not my place now. I’m doing okay, but it won’t last forever. It’s much easier to be in Hell and only come to Earth for contracts. You’ll like it, though. The part I live in reminds me a lot of your hometown. It’s cold, and sometimes it snows, although a lot of the time it rains.”

A cold place with snow? It didn’t sound so bad.

“Will your mom forgive me for taking you away?” Haruichi asked. “She threatened to find a way to kill me if I broke your heart.”

“Really?” Satoru asked. “She told me you were a good partner.”

“She did?”

“Yeah.”

Satoru swore he could feel Haruichi’s blush through his t-shirt.

“Tell me more about your home,” he asked. He fell asleep to the cadence of Haruichi’s voice.

[chestshot]

Creature in the dark love to scare the little children. The grownups say a prayer, and the demons are forced to return to the shadow realm. Never get caught in a blackout. Some never find their way home. Come in as soon as the streetlights illuminate the path of the righteous. The beetles and moths have gathered in a procession, to welcome the night. “Where were you?”  “I don’t know” was never the right answer. It is never going to be the right answer. “Stop crying. I’ll give you something to cry about.”

In this house, the belt and extension cords keep the disobedient in line. Sticks leave bruises. No Bueno. Back straight. “This is going to hurt me more than you.” I never understood that logic. “So why can’t I do it to you, like you did it to me?”  “Porque yo soy la puta que te pario (because I am the bitch that birthed you). I’m doing this because I love you. Your soul is in danger.” We used to kneel on the bare floor covered in rice. We were made to carry these bags above our head for twenty minute and think about how we were not supposed to fight. She went easy on us this time. “Now kiss your sister and tell her you love her and you’re sorry.”

What is obedience, and what happens when it is forced? Believe in unity. Value brotherhood. Seize any opportunity to join hands. Even as the big hands crush the small hands, like a fist full of lavender flowers. Don’t think so hard. The guardians have done all the thinking for us. Some things do not need an explanation. Guardians discourage the children from scrutinizing every detail. All we need is to believe. Can’t we all just come together as one? If I wanted to find everlasting life, why did I have to lay it down to begin with?

           The Knights of Columbus hosted Sunday breakfast every month. It was a fundraiser. As if the crusades did not provide enough funding. As if the parish had not given enough during the second collection. My mother would always hand me a folded dollar bill when the collection basket came by. It was a little secret between our Father and I (Mathew 6:1-4). I was planting a seed for his kingdom, and if we did not fork over the dough, let’s just say there was hell to pay.

           I went to Sunday school. I had to. Otherwise I could not get baptized or have my first communion. The instructor told us that Jesus loved us, so he died on the cross for us. If we loved Jesus, too, we had to love each other. We colored the nativity scene and learned a few prayers. We were taught a theology approved by the Roman Catholic Church, and classes were $25 per child. At the baptism, donations were formally encouraged. Those must have been some expensive ass crayons. I was a good boy, but never good enough to be an altar boy.

           I had refused to help in the family garden in the front yard one time. The bathroom floor was cold on my cheek. The sweat and tears running down my neck fell on the yellow linoleum. Now a grip on the arm, bent around my back. Too tight on the wrists. Cheeks got so hot that the salt water started to dry up and irritate my skin. Was it worth it? I know it was fucking hot outside, but couldn’t I have just done a shitty job or at least bullshit? Close the door. The neighbors can hear. Plus, the ac is on. I’ve been getting ass beatings since I was alive. If not from the guardians, then from bad decisions. I want to make them happen, but I always keep getting in my own way. Sometimes the floor can become comfortable. Just waiting for the blackouts to swallow me whole.

           God helps those that help themselves…. Wait.. That’s not in the bible!

                The Sunday breakfast consisted of yellow “just add water” scrambled eggs. I was too young to get hooked on coffee. Pass me the milk. I ate next to a church girl with an intellectual disability. Did God make her like that? I did not know. All I knew was that we were all equally as hungry after service. I felt like all the dark holes in the floor were so much smaller back then. If I stepped on a crack, I could always find my balance, or the guardian would help me till I recuperated.

“Hey guys. Where’s Jesus’s cloths. This is not funny. Oh… you guys hung him like this? Why? He was giving everyone free healthcare and food and shit. He doesn’t deserve this shit! Bring him down! Now!”

                Societies fascination for making atonement. Drink and drive? Dui. Tax evasion? Prison time (unless its some shit like a white collar crime). $50 dollar fines for parking in front of a fire hydrant, that one time I moved out of my parents’ house and rented a room from some asshole named Evander. I was not a child anymore. I was learning from experience. If I only learned to come home on time. They say “Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.” I could have only imagined why, but the dark holes were still manageable. No claws yet. No transformation.  The delinquencies of adolescence were not yet ripe. There was not enough blood.

           I helped myself to a glass of orange juice. High pulp. Tart. Almost as refreshing as the forgiveness of sins. Dixie paper cups. An old couple. They must have both been in their eighties. With not much time to live, they both enjoyed the pancakes with light butter. No syrup though. Diabetes, you know. He pulled the chair out for her. He took off her sweater and placed it behind the chair. He wiped his head with a towel, then his mouth. He regained his balance. and shuffled to his own seat. He led the prayer and they both sat down to share (maybe their last) Breakfast. Listened to your guardians and maybe you can live as long as them.

           One time, Father Manuel unofficially sponsored Mission Tortillas. “Como Dios Manda” literally means “How God Orders” or more precisely “What God Demands of us”. He was calling out the young women who decided club wear for a Sunday mass was appropriate. Father Manuel roasted them. “Esta bien que sea Qinceniera. (it would be cool if this was a Quincenera) Pero esta es la casa de Dios (but this is the house of God).” We were all sinners, but some of us did a better job at hiding it. We were all trying to avoid the transformation. We all needed to love. We just needed time to patch things up.

           Mother Theresa believed that suffering was how you got closer to God. She refused to let some children receive treatment, so naturally, they would die. Their souls belonged with the Lord. For a while, I started to believe that I was suffering, and therefore, there was no God. I think we suffer because we think we must, like it’s all part of the greater picture. I also think we suffer because we all have things we conveniently forget about. We should know better.

It’s not normal to stay up all night. It’s not normal to operate a vehicle under the influence of anything. It’s not normal to lie to the person you are with. It’s not normal to wake up at 3 pm every fucking day. It’s not normal to put things up your nose. It’s not normal to get in the car with a complete stranger. It’s not normal to think that you can live with people for free. It’s not normal to pass out at the bar. It’s not normal to constantly burn bridges. It’s not normal to forget what you did the night before. The blackouts swallowed me alive, over and over and over. I couldn’t see the streetlights. There was no one left to pay for my sins.

August 15thth, 2020, 2:30 A.M.-ish

I said I was going to work on it las week, and then the week before. I had checked into the catacomb of wasted ambitions. The creatures of the dark had left. I looked in the mirror and could not accept what I had become. What big claws and teeth.

                I had a dream I was filling up one cup with another cup, like an endless water mill. I’m not sure why I always felt this way. An endless repetition that never ends, like new ideas filling old ones, but never quite arriving at a solution, or like fish eating fish eating fish… Like a two gallon hourglass, constantly being flipped on it’s other end, ass up, face down, full of itself. The air bubbles, trying to escape. The lump in the throat of my life, always sinking into my stomach. The transformation was complete. I was living in a blackout.

           The beta, or Siamese fighting fish, is native to Thailand and Cambodia. You can pick them up at your local swap meet. I used to love going to the Broadacre swap meet after Sunday mass. I got my hands on everything an eight-year-old should never get their hands on: laser pointers, chained wallets, pocket knifes, fart bombs, shock pens, pet’s I wasn’t able to take care of. I’m not sure what the fish were so angry about. Probably from being confined to a tiny ass sandwich bag.

I got my ass kicked in a bar fight once, in 2018. Three against one. I do not remember. I was asking for something that was not on the menu. I was being annoying. Swings broke out like a Florida coastline and faster than you can say Tallahassee’s televised turnout tremendously terrified pterodactyls. Too small. Smack. Too slow. Smack. I fell to the floor, head between my knees. My jeans ripped. All I could see was stars at that point. I raised a barstool over my head and threw it against the bar, not sure if it landed on anyone. Always bust out the bar stool when you know you are going to get rocked. I ran out through the front entrance and I called 911. I left my bicycle behind. The cops were nice enough to drive it down to me. They told me that the security guard told them I was trying to buy drugs. I told them it was a hate crime. They told me to go home. I told them I would never go back to that bar again.

           Pigs in a blanket. I think there was bacon. Bacon or sausage. No. I think there were both. I woke up at 6am to eat this at 10am. 10:15 if you consider waiting in line. Why couldn’t everyone break bread the way we did? People always have to start a fight during a meal, or beer, if you’re a man of culture who would prefer to drink their meals. The indigestion was the worst. I could not eat breakfast too early because my stomach lining was still sensitive from the binge the night before. This did not stop me from killing a whole order of carne asada fries at night. I felt the weight of a bowling ball in my diaphragm when I woke up the next morning. Drinking water felt like swallowing marbles. This wasn’t normal. I’m not going to lie.

Well that’s great news, kind sir, because I can not condone dishonesty. Now please leave the patrons alone or get out of the bar.

           My older sister became an usher at church. She showed everyone to their seats. She wore a sash that said “Orden” or literally “Order”. She asked people if they could scoot over. She made room where people were resting their purses or when someone decided that they needed to sit with their legs wide open. Me and my younger sister always got pinches during service if we were joking around or being distracting. How did the people really bring their kids to church like that? We were so rambunctious!

The endless cycle of Life: that our guardians had to beat the shit out of us. So that maybe we could learn. Or so we would avoid the transformation. In the end, we resent their efforts and only make it worse for ourselves. I try to push myself up, but my left arm is too mangled to lift any weight. The dark holes just seem like the better option sometimes.  If the blackout won’t take me now, then maybe tomorrow.

The holes are patched up today. I found my way through the dark. My guardians were there all along.  I just needed some space. My mind is clear. I can focus again. I can have breakfast again. The nights can be long and dark, but I know the demons have left. My house is in order. My mind is clear. I finally have a clean conscience. I want to go back to the time when I was a child. Back to a time of trusting that the streetlights were guiding me all along. When I could hear my mother’s voice and know in my heart that the night was near, but only to visit.

Drink some water. Jesus fishes. Say a prayer. Missing pieces. Dying wish is - God’s my witness – you just know** * the nighttime* ** only** came to** visit**.

[shirtlesssammy]

The Man Who Would Be King: 6x20 Recap

Then:

Cas Baby is just doing the best he can.

Now:

Well, here were are, at the pinnacle of Cas episodes (until season 12 came along and we had a gluttonous feast on our hands.) We open with Cas reflecting to the audience on his time spent observing Earth, and humanity; its successes and failures (dried dung can only be stacked so high after all), and he remembers the apocalypse that never came to be. When two boys, a drunk, and a fallen angel rip up the rules, well, how’s he supposed to know if he made the right choice? Goddamn, this monologue really sets up a beautiful episode.

Beauty Break:

Beauty Break Pt. 2:

After the title card, we find Dean cruising around at night in the Impala. Cas flaps in with a, “Hello Dean.” He wonders how Dean is doing, and Dean asks if there’s any news on Crowley. And despite there being quite a bit of very important news about Crowley, Cas says no. Dean says that he’s on his way to meet Sam, who’s tracking a Djinn in Omaha. Cas regrets his inability to help, but Dean gets it, and adds, “No worries. But, Cas, you'll call, right? If you get into real trouble?” Damn, I’m already starting to tear up here, guys.

Cas flaps away to Crowley’s torture den of torture.

Crowley is busy doing a very thorough autopsy on Eve (Fun fact: I didn’t know that was Eve until I read the transcript just now. I’m a fake fan.) Crowley gets a bit testy when Cas asks about Eve opening the door to Purgatory. Crowley doubts Cas’s loyalty and tells him to stay away from the Winchesters (after some heavily implied innuendo about Cas’s trenchcoat.)

Cas admits to the audience that Crowley is right, he still considers himself the Winchesters’ guardian. <Insert lots of sad imagery from Swan Song here> They taught him to fight, and they won, but at a terrible cost. So, our poor, loyal, misguided angel went back to the pits of Hell and retrieved --most of-- Sam.  

Crowley tells Cas to kill the Winchesters, which Cas declines. Crowley loses his shit over underestimating the Winchesters (and in retrospect of season 12, what a weird, sad full circle to this. He never underestimated them, they came to be allies, and he still died --only because he was helping the Winchesters, not trying to hurt them.) Cas orders Crowley to find Purgatory, and to leave the Winchesters alone again.

At Bobby’s, Sam and Bobby interrogate a demon. Dean walks in and motions to Sam and Bobby to talk in private.

Dean tells the others that Cas popped in on him and he lied about what they were up to, and that they were getting close to Crowley. He adds, with great remorse, “You know, he's our friend...And we are lying to him through our teeth.” Oh, Dean. So loyal, so misguided when you let your heart muddle your instincts. The others are still worried he’s working with Crowley. As they admit their feelings, the camera cuts to Cas watching them, without their knowledge. Agghhh. As Bobby worries that they’re dealing with “Superman who's gone dark side”, Dean projects that Sam is Lois Lane (lol, Dean, it’s season 6, we see through your projection bullshit by now.) (And for the record, lying liar Castiel looks SO REMORSEFUL. I FORGIVE YOU!)

Cas knows Dean’s conflicted, and it’s heartbreaking. Bobby heads back to continue knifing info from the demon. Under duress, the demon admits that he doesn’t deal with Crowley. He deals with a demon called Ellsworth (Oh man, this is too good to not believe this is a coincidence. Jim Beaver will always be Bobby now, but there was a time -for a very long time- that he was Ellsworth. Sigh. #TeamDeadwood)

We then get to meet the demon version of Bobby. He deals with lots of bubbling blood phone calls, and the occasional real phone call, while Yeti demons sully his living area with trussed up victims. To neutralize the chances of the Winchesters getting killed, he smites the demons. He justifies to the audience, “I had no choice. I did it to protect the boys. Or to protect myself. I-I don't know anymore.”

Sam, Dean, and Bobby burst into the demon house, but find the place spotless --too spotless. Cas reflects on his motives. After he “saved” Sam, he went back to heaven (specifically his favorite heaven: an autistic man’s day at a park), only to be confronted about what happened in the apocalypse. The angel, Rachel, insists that God brought Cas back to lead the angels (she’s half right), but Cas counters that God wants the angels to have freedom. He then heads to find Raphael, who tells him that he will bow to him and swear his allegiance. After that, they’ll free Michael and Lucifer from the cage and get this show going again. Cas refuses, and tells Raphael he will stop him. Raphael then blasts him back to his heavenly park, and tells him obey or die.

Back at Crowley’s dispatcher headquarters, the boys and Bobby search for clues. Bobby notes that the place is “Mister Clean clean” and it’s...suspicious. Dean suggests calling Cas, to the eyerolled derision of Sam and Bobby. Fed up with their doubts, Dean lays out his argument: Cas broke ranks and laid down his life for them… Also, this is CAS. (I love that this is Dean’s habitual argument regarding Cas. “It’s CAS”)

Sam relents and prays, then Dean gives it a shot. Cas loiters invisibly in the background, too afraid to show himself. He knows he would buckle under their interrogation. Suddenly demons appear out of nowhere, attacking Dean, Sam, and Bobby. Cas recognizes the attackers as Crowley’s elite squad of killers. He’s faced with a choice: don’t intervene and risk losing the Winchesters or save them and face the consequences with Crowley. Castiel sweeps in and smites the demons swiftly and without mercy (starting with Dean’s demon - just sayin’).

*Fans self*

After the fight, everyone puts themselves to rights. Cas tells them that he’s come to the conclusion that Crowley is alive. Dean smiles in relief and prompts Bobby to apologize for doubting him. They confess to Cas that they were hunting Crowley without him, thinking that he may be involved.

Cas acts astonished and a little abashed at this. “Wonders never cease,” the voiceover intones, “They trusted me again.” And then...Cas earns a new nickname as the most foolish angel of the garrison when he goes on to chuckle, “It is a little absurd though. Superman going to the darkside?” Bobby and Sam exchange significant looks and Dean’s face just falls entirely. Cas just let slip that he was spying on them.

Oh, Dean Bean.

Later, Cas busts through the doors of Crowley’s weird little dissection chamber.

For Science:

Cas is pissed that Crowley tried to kill the Winchesters. Crowley is astonished that Cas could possibly be so blind. Cas, he maintains, wants the Winchesters to believe in the good and righteous Castiel so that he can believe it just a little bit longer. Instead, Cas needs to realize that he is down in the dirt right alongside Crowley. If he’d only take care of those Winchesters...

Cas takes him by the coat and shoves him against the wall so hard he breaks tiles. “If you touch a hair on their heads, I will tear it all down. Our arrangement. Everything.” He flaps out. GOD Cas is so smitey in this episode I love it UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

And we flap back in time to how Cas got into this mess in the first place. After Raphael beat the shit out of him, Cas went to Dean, who was raking leaves outside of Lisa’s house. He arrived invisible at first and as he watched Dean, he found he didn’t have the heart to take him from his well earned rest.

While Cas contemplates his options, Crowley pops in. He’d like to propose a little business arrangement. “It all comes down to the souls in the end,” Crowley says. “I’m talking about Raphael’s head on a pike. I’m talking about happy endings for all of us with all possible entendres intended.” CROWLEY, you absolute delight. Anyway, Crowley begs for just five minutes of Cas’s time. Cas agrees and follows Crowley into Hell, assuming he can outwit that lesser demon any day. After all, Castiel’s “an angel, you ass.”

Crowley leads Cas through the new Hell, an interminable waiting room line designed to torture even the most insatiable masochist. Cas insists that his only options with Raphael are to submit or die. “What are you, French?” Crowley asks. There’s another way, sunshine. Crowley 1) proposes that Cas start a civil war in Heaven and 2) that he loan Cas some soul power to get him started. Crowley expertly strokes Cas’s ego while offering him options to join his side. If they can get at Purgatory they can split the souls between them. They just need to figure out how to get there.

“Wouldn’t you rather have me in charge down here?” Crowley asks. “The devil you know?” Cas can save everyone. He can preserve what Dean and Sam worked so hard for. “God chose you to save us,” he says. And Cas buckles at last.

Cas, powered by the power of 50,000 souls and a hefty dose of pride, heads back to Heaven and blasts Raphael into next Tuesday. “There will be no apocalypse,” Cas announces. Angels are either with him or against him.

Back on earth, Sam and Dean hunker down in the demon dispatcher’s headquarters. Dean prays to Cas, asking for a meeting. Cas arrives promptly, convinced he’s in their good graces. They greet him casually, whisky glasses in hand. Sam tells Cas that they have a way to track down Crowley. It’s CAS...dun dun dun. He throws a match down and captures Cas in a ring of holy fire.

They ask him about spying. “You know who spies on people, Cas?” Dean asks insightfully. “Spies.” They interrogate him about the overly polished dispatcher headquarters and Crowley’s mistaken bones. Cas tries to explain his way out of the predicament but then Dean asks him to look him in the eye and tell him he isn’t working with Crowley. Cas can’t do it. He looks away.

(Me: tries not to clutch my heart at this. Fails.)

Cas tries to protest that he did everything he did to protect everyone. He tries to play what he thinks should be his ace up his sleeve. “Sam, I am the one who raised you from perdition.”

Everyone raises their heads at this and Sam sniffs, “No offense, but you did a pretty piss poor job of it. Wait. Did you bring me back soulless on purpose?”

Cas is appalled that Sam would think that and tries to back up, explaining his war against Raphael. “I had no choice.” Dean tells him that he had a choice and made the wrong one. He bites out that he shouldn’t have made another deal with the devil. Cas tries to throw it back on Dean. Maybe he was wrong, but where was Dean this whole time?

“I was there,” Dean tells him. “Where were you?” Cas reluctantly agrees that he should have approached the Winchesters for help but it’s too late now. From the distance, demons swirl towards the building.

“I can’t turn back now,” Cas says frantically. He shouts at them all to run. Dean looks back once, a world of pain in his eyes, and then they’re gone.

Demons smoke into the building and Crowley arrives. Oh lookee at the mess. He snaps his fingers and the holy fire ring whiffs out. “You know what I see here? The new god. The new devil working together.”

Cas has had enough and tells Crowley to GTFO. “You know the difference between you and me?” Crowley asks as a parting shot. “I know what I am. What are you, Castiel? What exactly are you willing to do?” (<-- Ah, the thesis statement.)

Cas flaps into Bobby’s cabin later and Dean wakes to find him standing at the foot of the couch. Cas tries one more time to explain to Dean his mission. “I’m doing this for you, Dean,” Cas insists.

Dean tells him he’s a “friggin’ child” and begs him to stop, merely on the strength of their familial connection. “You gotta trust me, man.”

“Or what,” Cas asks ominously. (Or stabby stabby.) Dean and Cas part without peace between them.

Flash forward again to Cas sitting on the bench finishing his prayer. “That’s everything. I believe that’s what you call a tragedy from the human perspective.” He looks at the sky and begs, one last time, for direction. “Am I on the right path? You have to give me a sign. Give me a sign…” His prayer breaks down, showing how desperate and scared he is. “If you don’t, I’m gonna do...whatever I must.”

Natasha: I’m never ready to have my heart broken by this episode. The framing device of a prayer to God for help is so beautifully done. It creates an air of desperation while threading together what is essentially a long running montage in a cohesive way. It ties Cas to Heaven, to Hell, to Earth, and to Dean. Everything builds to a crescendo and at the end we all sit, stunned, with what we had thought of Castiel in shards around our feet.

You Never Look Like You’re Quoting:

The stench of that Impala’s all over your overcoat, angel.

Sometimes we’re lucky enough to be given a warning.

Am I the only game piece on the board who doesn’t underestimate those denim wrapped nightmares?!

He is the Balky Bartokomous of Heaven.

If I knew then what I know now, I might have said. That’s simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it.

Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish.

You never look like you’re joking.

This is not how synergy works.

I wanna help you help me help ourselves.

I’m an angel, you ass. I don’t have a soul to sell.

Lucifer was a petulant child with daddy issues.

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[justanontherwinchester]

Hunters Don’t Cry: Part 5

Pairings: Dean x Reader x BestFriend Sam

Summary: Catch up here 

The reader and Dean have to make a choice but can Dean step up to the plate?

Author’s Note: Thank you for so much positive feedback, lovies. You are all amazing! If you want to be tagged, please ask. Also I am accepting ideas for one shots/stories! 

Warnings: Language

"Oh, their so perfect, (Y/N)." Sam cooed at his newborn nieces. They were perfect. They were identical, green eyes and ash blond hair. They looked like their father.

"Nine months pregnant and they come out looking like Dean." I sat in my bed holding one the unnamed newborns.

"He would be so happy right now."

"I know Sammy, I know." I looked at these little girls and I saw the world. They were my world and nothing else mattered.

"What are you naming them? This one already has Dean's mugshot face down." He grinned and tapped on her little nose. "Bop"

"Brinley Ellen and Brielle Johanna Winchester." I knew these two were going to be strong, so they needed to be named after strong women. I knew they were going to have hunting in their blood, but that world was behind me and they were ahead.

"You mean to tell me Sam was there the day they were born. Sam was the one who held my daughters? It was fucking Sam?!" Dean was screaming and being dramatic, like normal.

"Well it could have been you Dean, but here we are." I was standing across the room from him as he packed his bags. Our hunt was over and we were supposed to be taking time off. That wasn't happening. There was a Ghoul infestation in a small town in North Carolina, people were dropping left and right.

“Yeah, here we are. We are both grown adults now. Do they.. do they even know about me." His voice broke as he tossed his shirts on top of the other clothes. He was hurting, but so was I. I walked over to him grabbing his shirts and started folding them, how I used to.

"Of course they do Dean."

"Do they know me as their father?" He looked at me like I had ripped his heart in two.

"No." He looked away from me and clenches his fist. "You're Uncle SamSam's brother. You travel a lot and that's why you never visit. The stories Sam tells them, you're a superhero in their eyes." I felt the tears coming. "You are their superhero Dean. When Brinley grows up she wants to be like Uncle Dean. Brielle wants to be a mermaid. They are smart and strong. They were born to be hunters, but I don't want that life for them. I didn't get a choice. We didn't get a choice. I want them to be kids."

I've never seen Dean so emotional. I've never seen him this hurt. He pulls me into him, holding me but not saying anything. His hand rubbed up and down my back, just like he used to. His face was burrowed in my hair, nuzzling to get closer.

"I'll show you I'm a decent man. I'll show you I can be a good father. I want our girls home." That was the words I wanted him to say all along. "I'm so sorry for ever making you be alone. I would take it all back if I could. I can't. So I have to live with it. I don't ever want you to forgive me for what I did to you, to them. I can't forgive myself. I don't ever expect for you to love me but know I will love you until the end of time. Know that I will love them and never deny them. Even if one is weird and likes that Justin Beaver. I want nothing more than seeing their booster seats in the back of Baby, with you by my side. I want to accidentally sit on one of those damn Barbie dolls for the millionth time. I want to do it with you. Hell, I want a whole litter of Winchesters. I wanted that since we were young. I don't know what I was thinking when I let you go. But I fucked up and I'll never forgive myself. When you're ready, I would love to finally meet them. I want to know my baby girls."

I was crying, no, I was sobbing until I couldn't breathe. I knew Dean Winchester. This was my Dean who was talking. Whoever it was back then wasn't my Dean. Even then I wasn't ready, it needed to happen. Not right now though.

"I fucking hate you so much." My face buried deeper into his chest and he just held me tighter. "I'm sorry I didn't fight, Dean. I'm sorry I left. I was just done. I was just so hurt and lost. When you said those things to me, it was the straw that broke the camels back. Give us this hunt. It's going to be about two weeks, give me two weeks to decide."

"Okay." He let go and placed a tender kiss on my forehead. "Two weeks."

"Do you want to see them though?" He looked at me with a bit of confusion. I pulled the photo album out of my duffle, it wasn't much but it was memories. "From birth to now."

He started flipping through the album. He smiled and reacted to the photos better than I could have imagined. I pointed through guiding them.

"This was the day they were born." I was holding both of them, Sam was on my right and Samantha was on my left. "Oh, this was their first bath and this was their first birthday. Brielle loves cake but Brinley loves pie. Everything in pie form, that girl will eat. This was the first time they had spaghetti and here's Brielle holding a duck." In that moment, everything had changed. It was real. They were real to him. He kept flipping through the photos as he watched them age before his eyes. "They both love classic rock. Brielle enjoys AC/DC and Brinley swears Guns and Roses is the best thing in the world."

"Their beautiful." He wiped his tears and continued flipping through.

"They look just like you and act like it too. They are pure Winchester. You couldn't denied them if you tried."

"I would never want to." He came to the end of the book and was disappointed, he was wanting more.

"Samantha has basically every day of their lives recorded and tons more pictures. I can have her email the videos and we can watch them if you would like?"

"I would love that." He started to hand me back the photo album but I pushed it back to him. "I have multiple copies of everything, you keep these."

"Thank you." He started looking through again, taking in everything once more.

I walked out of Dean's "room" and down to the room Tiffany now claimed. I looked through her cracked door as she was packing

"Knock knock." I opened the door as she looked at me. "Mind if I come in?"

"Sure, come on." She had more clothes than any of us and nothing was proper hunting attire.

"You know if you are going to become a hunter, you have got to find some form on sensible foot wear." I grabbed one of the stilettos on the bed, knowing I would die if I wore a pair of these.

"I can't become a hunter. I'm not like y'all." She sighed and looked at me, worried.

"Well not with that attitude." I responded. "You've been in this life now, you can't walk away. With how many things out there that want to kill the Winchesters, you have to be."

"What's the point. Dean never loved me. Sam hates me and so do you. Why should I stay?"

"I don't hate you. Im sorry about Dean and Sam... that one you will have to figure out on your own." I sat down on her bed and leaned back.

"You busted my face two days ago."

"You ripped out my stitches."

"Sorry about that." She apologized.

"Sorry about everything else."

"It wasn't your fault. I was stupid. When I saw Dean in that bar, I made the first move. He pushed me away the first few tries, but after he got drunk, I took advantage of that. I fell for him and I tried to do everything I could to make him love me like he loved you. He talked about you in his sleep, sometimes he would moan your name during sex. I was just a rebound. Dean's not a bad guy. I didn't know the truth and I tried to feed on it so he wouldn't leave me. I was scared I was going to end up back in that town, with my alcoholic father and abusive ex-husband."

"I forgive you, a million times. You won't ever have to go back there. It will take some time, but having you around will be a good thing. You're going to be a great hunter. Also I know this really great guy that I think would be perfect for you."

"You guys rebound fast from relationships." She was laughing as she finished her packing.

"It's a hunter's thing. Hit it and quit it. But really, he's a great guy. We are going to meet up with him when we get to North Carolina in the next few days."

"What's his name?"

"Garth." I walked out of the room, leaving her to ponder about Garth. He was a good guy and he deserved a good girl.

I saw Sam in the hall, rolling his bags out by his door.

"I just hear you tell Tiffany about Garth?" He asked, laughing.

"Shut up, they would be good together." Sam just shook his head, thinking what we both were thinking.

"I overheard you and Dean..."

"And...."

"I think it's a great idea. Also I've missed the munchkins too. I have a bag of things I've been picking up for them over the past few months and I don't have anymore space."

"You are going to spoil them, Sam."

"Just wait till Dean starts." I rolled my eyes at the thought of Dean getting the girls a remote control car or a Swiss Army knife. "I think this is going to be good."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"But what do I say? Hey baby girls, meet your dad, it's really Uncle Dean?” I threw my arms up and leaned against the rotting wall.

"You'll figure it out, you always do." He walked back into his room and shut the door behind him.

I heard whispering from back down the hall. It was coming from Dean's room.

"I promise the moment I meet you two, I won't fuck that up. I promise to never leave you again. I'll teach you how to rebuild a car engine, we can play dress up, and braid Uncle Sam's hair while he sleeps. I'll be the best dad I can be. I'll protect you and love you no matter what."

He traced their faces with his finger. I knew Dean would make a good father. I find myself a decent mom. The problem is, how will we be good together and save the world at the same time?

Tags: @redlipstickandthewinchesters @charred-angelwings @mattory-reylo-shipper-offical @strawberryjuiceboxxx   @keep-calm-and-omfg-jensen-ackles 

[blackgirlcouch]

Black Sails Series Finale

Ugh I just don’t know how I feel about this ending. I’m quite honestly scratching my head. I’m sure those happy with can service are ecstatic but honestly I feel ripped off. It felt so anticlimactic and not at ALL well conceived. I can’t even really review this right now but I’m going to get my thoughts out because I won’t go to sleep otherwise.

Ok like seriously this was NOT a LJS tale. This should have been the Captain Flint story and LJD adventures with him. I think the producers fooled me in the promotion so I had expectations that are aligned more with the character from the books. They clearly stated this was the rise of LJS, the myth, the legend and that NOT ONCE came into play.

I mean I guess we can count his scheme to protect Madi from the jump and remove Flint shows a skill nobody seem coming. I mean on one hand it’s nice the friendship was genuine and Silver was able to bring this tortured man peace and that Flint finally did right and chose a tether instead of his old ways. Yes the happy endings girl inside of me was all sappy he got to see Thomas and they all cute hugged and kissed it out. I’m sure the shippers are celebrating hallelujah!

I mean who isn’t celebrating???? EVERYBODY got what they wanted.

There was that beautiful scene with Madi and Silver reuniting. The emotional in LA eyes all episode had my panties in puddles and when he fell when he saw her alive was glorious. He seriously was the best in these scenes tonight because of validating so much of what we RATIONAL posters have been saying all along. More on that scene in a minute.

Then there was the Madi/Silver scene in which he explained his duplicity. When he told her what he did with Flint. I admit I expected more. Madi mostly listened. On one hand I knew she could not combat the emotional trauma losing her did to him because she too had been so devastated. But I wish they’d showed them closer. It had been more heated.

All the confrontations this episode were muted versions of what that should have been. The emotional tone for the stakes was tepid at best.

Back to Silver and Madi while we are on them. Despite me wishing the scene brought more passion they actors performances and delivery of lines were great. You could hear the hurt in Madi’s voice but you could see in her face the conflict in her face. Silver stating that he would stay in a place in which he was an outsider just at the chance that she’d one day forgive him was fucking beautiful and John is like the MOST hopeless romantic.

And him at the spot he actually became Flint’s friend and her being there were her hair flowing was wonderful but the lack of physical contact this whole episode makes me want to hurl things out windows and rage down the street. I mean damn, couldn’t we see her come to his room late at night and climb into bed with them. A smile? I mean yes, I understand not going for a run up kiss again but ugh. I mean I’m disappointed overall on the amount of touching caressing licking sucking Fucking or even grazing that did not happen.

I’m glad she forgave him. Y'all he legit becomes King of Maroons when he marries Madi. LJS adopted into the black community. 👊

Now this scene with Flint and Silver in the woods is one of my most liked scenes for the simple satisfaction of hearing Silver call out the bullshit. I seriously could not even comprehend what the fuck Flint was saying. It’s like he’s become this highly efficient mental patient. I don’t mean that in disrespect. I have loved, hated, empathized, pitied and side eyed Flint this whole series. In the end I more pity him because he is clearly broken and John straight up told him that its all a lie.

That he gets it now. That he accepts that bout him but he either gone stop him or he gotta die. I was harsh to think Flint was playing Silver the whole time. I actually appreciate now that he really was sincere in wanting to get Madi back and be the man Silver was hoping he’d be. I mean he’s still a control freak and to be fair his past actions was the reason everybody mistrusted him. Boy has a record!

I’m glad I was proven wrong but I’m glad I was proven right that this was never about Flint wanting to emancipate slaves or free the new world though the concepts were noble they were the the disguise that hid his true self destructive path to inflict as much pain upon the world as there was nothing left. And as long as Flint had an ace up his sleeve; the treasure, the army, Madi, they’d all keep fueling a fire that was wrapped in deception of intent.

THAT is what Silver would not let her sacrifice herself for. Not the war itself but the nonsensical way they were going about it in the suicidal structure in which everyone around paid more dearly. He could not allow a falsehood to spur it all and sit back and allow it to happen. They’d all die in failure.

I don’t know if Flint’s prophecy that Silver would regret it hit home for me at all. Am I supposed to feel that Silver would actually mourn this pirate life he never wanted and in which they escaped with the skin of teeth!

Ha that man wanted a warm bed and his wife. I’m his words, “I.Dont.Care.”

TS got me when he and Thomas reunited. I didn’t want to be affected but I was just cause you know…its Thomas.

That all being said this whole thing felt disingenuous as hell. C'mon I said it was fan service before and I will again. I love everything about this show. I’m going to mour it being gone but this episode felt flat. It left no impact.

The scenes where Billy is shooting his brethren, did we need more of it? I mean Billy completely go screwed. He was marooned on T.I. And not Ben Gunn? Its not The historical accuracy that bothers me so much as the fact they redeemed Flint and even contrived a happy ending but the victim of Flint’s cruelty is left with barely a thing? What the actual fuck?

And lets talk about Flint’s ending. It was cheap. It just was. It’s like letting a guy who committed murders a get out of jail free card because he felt bad and was deranged with pain. He came out the “good guy” when he’s completely caused all this damn mayhem. Well not all of it but certainly the bulk. One can argue he was sent to “jail ” but it didn’t feel right. He did not answer or even atone or acknowledge his mental health in all this. He tool absolute no responsibility.

Silver actually took it upon himself to be responsible by putting an end to this shit while still holding onto his humanity. He was able to forgive his friend for why he became the way he was and instead of being Flint he freed the man himself and his wife from the pain that’s motivating them though Madi’s is a selfless pain.

But while all this happenes Billy is seen as the worse. Yes he fucked up. Oh he certainly crossed all the lines but he hasn’t done anything less to his brethren than Flint. From his POV he was betrayed. He didn’t kill Madi because she’s 👑 and an OG and got em. But the man was done wrong. Gates was like a father to him and Flint killed him. Flint tried to kill him. He was tortured. Why does Flint’s pain excuse his action but not Billy’s? Yes he became consumed but doing doing ding, so did just about everyone else. He was just unlucky because he never found someone to love.

Flint should have had to account for something. I mean a bullet anything. He even stole Jack’s moment with Woodes! It just felt hollow and again while I didn’t quite wish him dead I did not expect him to rise the hero that took down th governor.

I’m surprised Featherstone and Jack even lived! And made it back to Anne and Max. And Max is really running Nassau which is nice. All wrapped right in a neat how. And what did they sell Eleanor s diaries? So confused on the Mrs Hudson and the madams thing. We didn’t hear the Maroon Queen speak about his they felt about the bill only that it was being ratified. I would have liked to hear that discussion!

Woodes ramming the boat. Flint once again saving the day untangling the boats. I mean there were no feats this man could not accomplish this episode while the myth meandered around threatening pussy cooks. Though ha. I laughed at the cook reference. I wonder if that guy taught him.

Woodes just deserts even felt blah. He just looked done with the whole thing anyway which I suppose is the point but the whole fight was soft. Billy and Flint had the only actual fight I even remember from the scene.

I’m sure I can go on and on about it all. I’m nostalgic it’s over but dissatisfied, like Id somehow missed the point and the stakes. That the creators took an easy, less contentious route but it leaves the more intellectual audience with; well then that’s it? What was the point?