#but hey it is what it is patricks just sort of insane <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[gamesetart]

hngnngngnng sweet and easy universe……

need Pat to fuck you and tease you about how he knows you’re thinking about Art even while Patrick is stuffed deep inside your little pussy. He’s so mean, teasing about how Art isn’t going to be as deep as he is, he’s not going to know what the fuck to do with pussy this tight, this wet, this sweet.

It’s adorable that you don’t even care that Art’s not going to fuck you better than Patrick can. You’re in love with each other. But Patrick doesn’t have to love you to make you feel good, he just has to love your pussy <3

Well yes! 😁🫶

well. yes. (again, had to break the laptop out for this ur so yummy)

"a terrible sweetness" (a patrick interlude)

tags: patrick zweig x fem reader, p in v, mild daddy kink, implied patrick zweig x art donaldson, implied art donaldson x fem reader. nsfw. minors DNI.

You didn't ever mean to fuck him more than once. Patrick was supposed to be a hookup, a momentary balm to soothe your seemingly insatiable need. He's a frat party fever dream, a fantasy through amber-coloured glass. And he's a saved contact on your phone and a text message at one in the morning:

patrick (frat) 1:47 am

in town, wyd?

So you start to fuck him a little more regularly. With Art's permission, of course, you're a lot of things, but you're not a cheater, for fucks' sakes. It's weird for Art, grabbing lunch with Patrick knowing he's been inside Art's girlfriend, and probably will again before his weekend visit is over. But he almost likes it. Because that's his Patrick and his girl. You've managed to inextricably connect two of the most important people to him, and by having both Tashi and her boyfriend, you've tied the final knot. The four of you, all tied together because you can't keep your pretty hands to yourself.

"You're thinking about him again, aren't you?" Patrick taunts, scissoring his fingers open inside you.

Some days, he doesn't bother with much prep - the tight feeling of him bullying inside you, your walls struggling to accommodate the sheer size of him, is dizzyingly addictive - but there are nights where it's like he can read your mind, and he finds sick satisfaction in drawing things out so he can tease you. About Art, his Art, his sweet Artie, your lovely, doting, idiot boyfriend, who, for all the goodness in the world, wouldn't ever be able to fuck you like Patrick does.

And he likes knowing he's caused all of this. Patrick knows Art better than Art knows himself. Fucking you is like fucking a part of Art by proxy, and the fact that you're both thinking about him is almost laughable.

"I'm always thinking about him," you return, balling your hands up in your sheets.

He's got you splayed out on your bed, his body between your spread legs, his hand reaching between your bodies to fuck in and out of you with two quick, strong fingers. Patrick's head is right above yours - you could have kissed him, if you wanted. But that's not really what he's for, sweet presses of lips while you 'make love'. Patrick is for the clash of teeth and tongues while you fuck. His eyes are impossibly beautiful, bluish green, the pupils ringed with a sunburst of hazel and gold.

"So am I," Patrick spits back, and it makes you clench around him, hearing confirmation of that single unifying detail, the single nexus between the two of you.

Art.

"But he can't fuck you like I can," Patrick continues roughly.

He pulls his fingers from you, much to your disappointment. (And excitement: not cumming on Patrick's hands just means you'll cum more around his cock.) He brings the slick, shiny digits to your lips, smiling roughly at you.

"Clean that off for me, will ya, doll?"

Patrick likes that he can treat you in a way he can't treat Tashi. She's a lot of things, but she won't let him degrade her. Not the way he degrades you; he's using you as much as you're using him, and he won't let you forget it. He likes that when he holds his fingers up to your mouth you suck them willingly into your mouth and swirl your tongue around him to really make sure you're licked all of yourself off him, likes that you seem genuinely disappointed when he takes them away. Like a dog losing it's favourite toy.

He lines himself up, dragging his cock meaning up and down your slit. Kisses it against your clit, slaps it there for good measure. You moan, eyes fluttering shut, rolling back in your skull. Patrick knows what he's doing, always does. Patrick knows how to fuck. Patrick knows how to make you feel so, so good.

His palm slaps across your face, not very hard, just as a reminder. The crack of skin forces your eyes back onto his smug face.

"No, no, keep your fucking eyes open," he goads. "I want you to look at me, and think about him, when I fuck you."

It's with that promise that Patrick finally spears himself in you, all at once, bottoming out in one rough, steady thrust. It takes everything in you to keep your eyes open as you all but scream, walls stretching to take him, clenching around his cock when he finally lands home. He gives you no time to adjust, though, pulling out again, almost all the way, and slamming back in.

"He couldn't fuck you like, this could he?" Patrick groans. His eyes are half-lidded and his pupils are blown so wide they look black. Lust. That's all this is. That's how you like it.

"N-no," you gasp, rolling your hips up to meet him. "Not like this, fuck, you feel so good."

"Yeah, I do," Patrick says, dragging a hand down your body to palm at your tits, rolling one nipple between his fingers.

The thing about Patrick is he fucks you like he doesn't care about you. Which, to an extent, he does, you're dating his best friend and you've slept with his girlfriend and you're actually really funny and smart and interesting so he can see why Art likes you, but Patrick isn't in love with you. You both know it.

"So good, so fuckin' good, god, you fuck me so good, you're so big," you chant helpfully.

His hips move with a fluidity that is almost mesmerising - strong, fast, powerful. He's a hurricane. You can't bend Nature to your will, but if you're very clever, you can learn how to move with it, to learn to ride the waves, match the tide. That's what you have with Patrick. Organised Chaos.

"He wouldn't know what to do with all of this," he pants. "And when he does fuck you, you're gonna miss me. Because no one's gonna fuck you as deep, no one's gonna take care of this sweet little princess pussy like I do."

The idea of that gets you both going. For Patrick, it's the idea of Art's sweet, blushing face, his fumbling hands, his shaky moans, moans Patrick's become too familiar with at the Academy, the late nights when Art thinks no one can hear. But Patrick can. Patrick always can. For you, it's the idea of the tables turning. It's the horrible, taboo idea of Art finally, finally fucking you, and getting a reminder of Patrick. You can practically see him in your head, the expression he had when he was fucking himself into your sheets.

You know Patrick's right, and it hardly matters. You're in love with Art, not Patrick. One of these days, you'll probably marry him, (he's won you over to the idea, honestly, the whole kids and a house life. With Art, the idea becomes sweet.) and you'll have a gorgeous wedding and his ring on your finger. You're not going to marry Patrick, he's not for that. He's for this. For the now - college dorms and too much beer, texts too late at night or too early in the morning. So you tell him.

"Yes, yes, fuck, you're so good," you whine, and every word comes out shaky and fucked. "No one's ever fucked me so good, only you, Patrick, only your cock, god."

"Yeah, that's it, baby, tell me how good I fuck you," Patrick moans. "Tell me how well I cuck your fucking boyfriend."

That's it. That's all it takes for you to cum around him, because it's gross, and it's a fucked-up thing to say, and it's so mean, and you're trying to picture Art saying something like this to you, doing something like this to you, and you can't. Patrick fucking laughs when you clench around him, shaking. But he doesn't stop. He fucks you straight through it, and then he just keeps going. It's unfair, the fact that he has the stamina of a fucking race horse when he wants it. You've had nights where you've cum four times before he's cum at all, and by the end of it you're only half there.

You don't really have words, but you try. What comes out is a broken, "Patrick-- fuck, Art-- can't-- fuck."

"I bet he wants to put a baby in you," Patrick teases, slamming in and out like he wants to break you. "Bet he wants you to make him a daddy."

He's starting to think maybe he's thinking of Art while he fucks you, too. Keeps seeing images of Art in his head - Art writhing under him, Art begging for him, Art's voice, not yours, chanting, "fuck, yes, daddy, daddy, fuck!"

Patrick slips one hand down to play with your clit. It makes you sob, voice climbing another octave. Your whole floor probably hates you. Your RA probably hates you. Your neighbours definitely hate you, and maybe they hate him too. They're probably all jealous.

"Come on, doll, you've got another one. Cum on my cock. Pretends it's Art's."

He's kind of pretending your cunt is Art's ass, so you'll at least be even. You sob, legs shaking, hands fisting in the sheets so hard they might rip. It's good, so good, too good. Your entire body is on fire. You're clenching around him, and it's like every thrust drives his cock right up into your cervix.

You gush around him right as he fills you up. You're on the pill, of course, but for a moment you pretend you aren't, pretend it's Art emptying his balls into you, filling you up, pretend you're making Art a daddy. It's a nice thought.

You're never going to marry Patrick Zweig. It's probably why he fucks you so well.

[party-lemon]

This is gonna be another long post so...yeah. Do with that what you will.

A List of My Top Ten Favorite Movies (So Far) And Why (In No Particular Order)

#1: Juno

Released: December 5, 2007

Cast: Elliot Page, Michael Cera, Jason Bateman, Jennifer Garner, J.K. Simmons

The rest of these aren't in order but this is my favorite movie. I've literally only watched it twice but I absolutely love it. It is so beautifully written, the cast is amazing. Every character is amazing and amazingly written. Juno is the perfect main character and is so likeable. And the soundtrack!? Perfection. Honestly, I just love everything about this movie. Literally everything.

#2: Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood

Released: July 26, 2019

Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, Margot Robbie, Dakota Fanning

I was pleasantly surprised by this movie, only because it took so long for it to get to the final scene. I don't want to call it boring, but for lack of a better word...it was boring. There were hints about what was going on throughout the entire movie and it builds and builds and builds and then we have this insane final scene. What's even better about it is that it's based on something that happened in real life, it just has two characters thrown in, making it never happen. It's such an interesting movie and waiting for it to sort of get to the point is worth it.

#3: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Released: June 11, 1986

Cast: Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, Jennifer Gray, Jeffrey Jones

A classic. This movie is so quotable and so fun even though the concept is, really, pretty simple. Cameron is one of my favorite movie characters ever. I love Matthew Broderick. Sloane is gorgeous. It's just a really fun movie and one of my go to's for every mood.

#4: Signs

Released: July 29, 2002

Cast: Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Rory Culkin, Abigail Breslin, Cherry Jones

This movie is so creepy, mostly because I believe that aliens exist so it isn't like a regular horror/thriller movie because I feel like this is so real. But this movie is so good. The cast, including the kids, is phenomenal. (Yes, unfortunately, even Mel Gibson.) It plays around with so many questions: are aliens real? What if they were? What if signs are real? What if there aren't signs, only coincidences? I'm a fan of M. Night Shyamalan and this is my favorite of his films.

#5: Stranger Than Fiction

Released: November 10, 2006

Cast: Will Ferrell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman

I literally bawl my eyes out every time I watch this. Oh my gosh. So let's start with the fact that this is a more serious role than Will Ferrell usually does, and I love when actors that often just star in comedies pull a, "Hey, I can do this, too!" Harold is such a compelling character, you're just rooting for him the whole time. Every character's interactions with each other are amazing. It's such a sweet story and I really love it a lot.

#6: This is Where I Leave You

Released: September 19, 2014

Cast: Jason Bateman, Tina Fey, Adam Driver, Corey Stoll, Rose Byrne

I just watched this recently and I instantly loved it. I talk about casts a lot but this one is absolutely star-studded and it works so well. It tackles the mourning process well and all of the character's interactions are great. I especially love Rose Byrne but I also just really like Rose Byrne in everything I've seen her in.

#7: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Released: December 25, 2013

Cast: Ben Stiller, Kristen Wiig, Sean Penn, Adam Scott, Patton Oswalt

I was obsessed with this movie in junior high! I watched it all the time and it still holds up. I love the whimsical fantasy it has to it from time to time and Walter's compelling search for the last photo. This movie is ridiculous sometimes and it knows it and it owns it.

#8: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Released: September 21, 2012

Cast: Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, Ezra Miller, Mae Whitman, Paul Rudd

I read the book and, while the movie isn't completely accurate, it holds up better than most book to movie adaptations. I absolutely love Charlie. Don't get me wrong, Sam is great, Patrick is lovely, but Charlie is amazing, mostly because I relate to him so much in so many ways. The soundtrack to this movie is great, also, and the tunnel scenes are just *chef's kiss* Such a brilliant book and movie.

#9: The Truman Show

Released: June 5, 1998

Cast: Jim Carrey, Laura Linney, Ed Harris, Natascha McElhone

Another example of a comedian playing a more serious role. Throughout this whole movie, you're just waiting for Truman to find out the truth, for his life to change because the more you watch it, the more you come to love this character. Or, I guess, person. You want the best for him, you want him to break free from this literal cage. It's captivating and angering because this lovable character's entire life is a lie. It's such a brilliant film and I feel like it should get more attention.

#10: Alice in Wonderland

Released: March 5, 2010

Cast: Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter

Where do I start...this movie is so weird. Which is kind of the point and that's why I love it. The main character doesn't even know what's going on sometimes. Once you figure out what's going on, this movie is just really fun. Kind of. I don't know how to describe this movie, I really don't. But I just love it a lot. There's a dragon and castles and weird creatures and talking animals. Everyone does an excellent job, especially Johnny Depp. I would kill for the Mad Hatter. It's such a weird movie and I can't put my finger on why I love it so much, but I do. I also really like Tim Burton.

Honorable Mentions:

Jojo Rabbit

Crazy Stupid Love

Spider-Man: Homecoming

The Shawshank Redemption

Coraline

Again, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. And, again, 11/10 would recommend all of these, including the honorable mentions.

[wonnoy]

life long besties (?)

i have returned master kageyama

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warnings: i guess insults for people who (i dont know. )

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1 | 2 | 3

Oh god how you hated him. It didn't even matter what you hated about him, it was just everything.

Kageyama Tobio was the most insufferable person on the planet to you and the feeling was mutual. It wasn't instant hatred mind you, it was more like one action triggered the entirety of the downfall. And it all started with Hinata.

Last year of high school, your last year to make memorable memories. Stuff that would make you look back and hopefully not regret or be embarrassed by anything. Much harder said than done really, being outgoing wasn't the strongest suit you could wear.

You looked around the classroom, it was just buzzing with activity and you were the only one left out of it. A little bit of an outcast, you had spent the better of your time studying. The only semi friend you really had was Tsukishima - and even he was too busy with volleyball to actually spend any time with.

Any time you did spend with him was when the two of you were studying at each other's houses. He preferred it that way, there were less distractions there than at school.

Tsukishima was currently sitting by himself too, but you didn't think he'd be by himself for long. Yamaguchi, if you remember correctly, was always dragging him away from the classroom.

You scoffed and slunk your body further down into your seat, was it worth the hassle to go and try to talk to him? At least once without it being about a certain topic or anything? You sighed internally to yourself, probably.

Scooting your chair back, you started to walk over to him. He had his headphones in and a book in his hands, the usual set-up. You gave him a tat on the shoulder and he took his headphones off.

"Isn't Yamaguchi coming soon?" you leaned up against the desk.

Tsukishima scoffed at that, "I'd rather bite my fingers off," and he looked back down at his book. You would have normally took that as a sign to shut-up and go away but-

"So that does mean he's coming by soon right?" you smiled down at him and Tsukishima only sighed muttering 'any second now'.

The doors to your classroom bust open and in came Yamaguchi, smiling wide and eyes already landing on his friend.

"Come on Tsukishima, we gotta go," and Tsukishima only groaned before sinking into his chair, hastily pulling his headphones back on. But Yamaguchi was having none of it, already keen on moving him out of the chair.

You were still leaned against his desk and tilted your head, go somewhere? It was barely lunch time and you knew for a fact that volleyball practice doesn't start until after school.

Curiosity bit at you while Yamaguchi tried dragging his friend out of the chair.

"I can help," you got off the desk and could feel the burning stare of hatred Tsukishima was sending your way.

"Ah thank you y/n," he sounded relieved and began tugging while you started pushing. With great effort, and a couple minutes later, Tsukishima was finally standing but as an upset toddler.

"Where are you taking this big lug?" you leaned against the desk once more. You needed it a bit more for support this time rather than comfort because of the slight exertion you just did. Tsukishima grumbled at you and rolled his eyes. You ignored him.

"We're off to hang out with some other third years at the gym," he explained and stopped thinking for a second, "you're welcome to come with."

You looked behind you to gaze at your desk and the ones surrounding it, they were all empty. It would have been better than staying here alone, you didn't even bring your headphones today. You turned back to Yamaguchi, you were just complaining about being alone and not having enough memories.

Yet when given the opportunity you want to run away from it? Like hell.

"Sure, lead the way,"

__

Yamaguchi talks a lot, but you kind of already knew that. The fact that Tsukishima and him are close friends is insane, polar opposites those two were. The terrible friend and then the mediocre-ly kind friend, a wild dynamic.

"Someone called me Spongebob yesterday because of my freckles," Yamaguchi said. He went and dotted the freckles under his eyes for emphasis and Tsukishima snorted.

"Does that make me Squidward then," he pushed his glasses up, "the one that makes your life hell?"

Yamaguchi paled and nervously laughed. Tsukishima didn't stop his insult there, he then looked at you, "and I guess that makes you Patrick," and you immediately began to beat on him with your hands.

"I'll show you Patrick, you damn squid," you spat. Tsukishima and you lagged behind whilst Yamaguchi kept strolling ahead to the gym doors.

There was already a racket going on inside and it didn't surprise him much. He looked behind him, you were still pulling furiously at Tsukishima's ears as he continued verbally assaulting you.

Yamaguchi opened the doors, "hey guys, I brought a friend!"

There were only two boys inside yelling at one another, Hinata and Kageyama. Ukai was in the corner reading a magazine, he offered to be the 'parental guidance' last night when the third years asked if he could watch over them.

Doesn't seem like he was paying much attention though, which may or may not have been a good thing.

Hinata was bragging about his jumping when Yamaguchi announced his arrival, immediately turning away from Kageyama. Kageyama was fuming in front of him and Hinata turning away only made it worse.

"Ah, Yamaguchi!" Hinata jogged up to him, "took you long enough," he smiled and slapped his hand on the back of Yamaguchi. Sputtering forward, he grumbled from the stinging on his back from the slap that Hinata gave him.

Yamaguchi pointed behind him, "it's because I had these two in tow," pan-zoom in to you now tugging Tsukishima to ground and claiming that 'he was now Plankton in your eyes'.

You stilled when looking over at the doors of the gym - first impressions were already going down the drain and you quickly climbed off of Tsukishima whilst brushing your skirt down to manageable levels.

You waved, "hi," and the orange man smiled really wide at you. You think you remember him, you believe you actually watched one of the volleyball games after Tsukishima mentioned it at the end of a study session.

Hinata Shoyo, and the one fuming behind him was Kageyama Tobio. They were the star duo when it came to 'quick attacks' if you could remember the term correctly.

"I think this is the first time I've seen you outside of the hallways," Hinata laughed. He was already striding towards you and gripping your wrist, dragging you to the gym with him. Protests were choked back as you slowly skid to the doors and into the gymnasium. You haven't really spent a lot of time in here, normally you were in and then you were out.

It felt uncustomary to be standing here.

You looked over at the last third year of the room, Kageyama. His hair reminded you of a weirdly shaped q-tip and his face seemed to always be holding a permanent look of anger on it.

"Dumbass!" Kageyama bellowed out and you immediately puffed your chest at him like some weird peacock. Did he just - did he just call you a dumbass?

Hinata behind you was about to say something back but you beat him to it, it could have saved you this entire mess of hatred. But no, your fat mouth just had to open.

"I'm not the dumbass, dumbass," you shot back. Your brows were furrowed and fingers were clenching. Hinata still was holding on your wrist and he let you go, setting you free to swing your arms right back down to your sides comfortably.

Kageyama looked taken a back a little bit because it was you who replied and not Hinata. But it definitely didn't grind his gears right when you called him that, if his stiffed posture didn't indicate anything other than that.

"Alright let's just-" Yamaguchi began but Kageyama cut him off.

"But you're clearly the dumbass," Kageyama snuffed at you. By now, he had taken a couple steps closer to you so he could do some sort of intimidation stance to show off his height compared to yours.

You grabbed your forearm and began pushing up the already short sleeved shirt, "call me Sandy Cheeks because I'm about to karate chop your ass," you could hear Yamaguchi stifle a laugh to the side but no further fuss than that.

Kageyama couldn't have looked more disgruntled after you said that phrase. But instead he only mimicked your movements. You clearly took this as a threat.

So because of a tiny misunderstanding in communication, the ten year long feud between you and Kageyama raged without fail.

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this is going to be one of my longer fics - as you can see it's got 3 parts

this is part 1, i wont be posting part 2 for a bit because im doing my first collab.

see you soon, im writing for futakuchi.

[everyothermouse]

Hee hee hee I finally finished my universal roadtrip references! Remember when i said i would post them in like 3 days, well apparently I meant like 3 months because that was back in august lmao. Sorry that there’s so much text, but pls enjoy the full designs and such :D

Also i have some extra info that i couldn’t fit in these so i’ll put that under the cut in case ya wanna read more for some reason

More about Pat, Spandex, Sath, and their universe:

Their universe's queen asserts her rule with a space force made up of robots built by a large group of what was previously a sort of space mafia, but which now holds greater widespread power thanks to their association with the queen. Pat is the son of the captain/leader of this whole organization, and was supposed to inherit control of it, being raised to lead ships and direct robots and people under him to do their jobs. But when he was a teenager he met spandex, a rogue scientist his age working for the greater good by stealing resources from the organization to make robotic limbs for people who couldn't afford treatment for the disease and trying to figure out how to make a cure that can be widespread. Pat accidentally got himself caught up in spand's shenanigans as he tried to get him to return some shit he stole, and on the way realized how horrible life was under the rule of his organization. Bada bing bada boom, teenage rebellion, he betrays his past life and ends up as a refugee on the run as his parent tries to get him back. Spandex has always worked alone, and being that he was a very anxious teenager he had a hard time working with pat, who was prone to take the most head on approach, as that's how he was taught to do things. The two learned from eachother and found a balance between lurking and attacking, and nowadays they're best friends. The two run a ship together, and I've already told you where things go from there.

More about the alternate universe machines power source:

The power source for the machine is a crystal which can be used to duplicate objects using its ability to drag energy and tiny amounts of matter from alternate universe’s. This power can be harnessed in order to transport objects between universe’s, but it requires many many of the crystals to build a machine that could harness this power, and as the crystals have a finite amount of energy, it would have to be continually being recharged by more crystals. It is quite difficult to obtain high amounts of this crystal, which is why no one would attempt to build such a machine unless they had a good reason to. In Pat/Spandex/Sath’s universe this reason was to hopefully find a permanent cure to the widespread disease overtaking their universe. In Angel/Symphony’s universe, its creator (Patrick, who is their universes pat) was actually trying to create a teleportation machine that would revolutionize travel forever and would allow many people lost and stranded on other planets to be retrieved (he was previously stranded alone on a planet with a jackpot of these crystals, which he used to duplicate food and objects to stay alive. Don’t worry too much about this guy, none of this actually comes up during the story.)

More about Angel and Symphony:

Angel previously stayed in a boys only school for delinquents because her parents are assholes and were tired of her shenanigans. She met symphony, a lil hacker robot child, one night when she was trying to escape, and the two basically became friends right away. The two hung out all the time after that (even if angel did get caught and taken back to her school) and Symphony taught angel about how to fuck with technology while angel snuck symphony food and parts from the school for symphony’s building projects. The two love to fuck stuff up where ever they can because its pretty much the only fun there is to have in their bleak lives. When they left angel chose her own new name code, Ann with the angel number and 69 for obvious reasons. Skipping ahead over the stuff already covered in their above character sheets, angel accidentally discovers that the crystals they’ve been collecting for Spandex and Pat’s machine have the ability to duplicate things when she tries to crush some weird rock candy someone gave her (so she can peer pressure someone into snorting it) and it ends up doubling instead of getting crushed. Angels just annoyed at this but symphony decides its a fantastic opportunity to take a break from all the stuff they’ve been doing recently and just have some fun, by which I mean become a figurehead in the galactic rock candy community and economy, apparently. And hey, spandex and pat won’t notice if they just borrow one of the crystals for a little bit, right? Everything is going dandy and they’re on top of the world, when the rock candy mafia finally catches up to them and the candy police arrives to arrest them for their illegal dealings, and in the end their crystal runs out of energy and breaks (which they had no idea was a thing that happened) and they end up losing everything and going right back to where they started. They were just gonna move on from that one off adventure like they’d usually do, but they suddenly realize how insanely powerful having these crystals makes them, and decide to maybe just snag one or two for when they go back home. But i mean, these are a finite resource, one or two could run out fast, maybe a couple more. Well the others are doing such a good job collecting crystals, wouldn’t hurt to just snag a couple, I mean, angel and symphony are pulling a lot of the heavy weight on this team, don’t they deserve a little reward? Eventually they’re hoarding the crystals with no end in sight, but hey, its not like the others will ever figure out right?

Extra notes:

Skeptic sunflower is both a Span and a Sam, and was dragged into the mix when Symphony first jumped into the machine and the two of them were read as one person. Little span lives in a world of humans, Patrick (of his universe) is the nice human who’s his boyfriend, and that dog belongs to Sam (of his universe.) neither the supersquares or symphony/angel have met their universe’s pat yet.

[yespolkadotkitty]

Swords, Sarcasm & Starlight, pt 4

Part 3 here

The burgers were insane, Darcy thought again as she and Geralt found a bench and sat down, digging in. He’d ordered a steak burger with everything on it, in her hands she held a classic burger with a bacon and maple syrup glaze that should have been illegal.

The noise of the fayre swirled and clamoured around them as they ate side by side. When Darcy had finished, she balled her wrapper in her palm. “Always the sign of a good food stand. When no one talks during the eating.”

“Hmm,” Geralt said, which Darcy took as agreement.

Plenty of women - and men - eyed Geralt in passing, and Darcy mulled over his previous words. No way there hadn’t been a queue of ready people of both genders just lining up to play She-Ra to his He Man. No fucking way.

Unless he was hiding a load of skeletons in his closet. It would just be her luck.

“So… how’d you get into the sword making business?” she asked, rolling the curled-up wrapper between her palms. 

Geralt finished his own burger and smoothed out the wrapper meticulously. Darcy had once read in Cosmo that men who did that were very attentive in bed. Her toes curled and she made herself look away from his hands. Get a grip, Darce.

“I’ve always had a knack for metalwork, stuff with my hands. I went to Blacksmith summer school as a teenager - seemed more fun than getting a summer job, and I loved it, loved the fire, the clang of metal, the sheer magic of creating something so solid.” He blinked, then shook his head slightly as if he’d gone to another world, and maybe he had. “And what about you, your art?”

Darcy stared out at the expanse of field around them. In the distance, a few guys on horseback held standards bearing family crests, real or fictional, it didn’t matter one bit somewhere like this. At a ren fayre it was impossible to tell real aristocrats from cosplayers, and that was just the way she liked it. “My parents used to listen to The Sky at Night on the BBC World Service when I was little,” she began, smiling at the memory of it. “Patrick Moore’s voice as he waxed lyrical about the stars was like a lullaby to me. I started drawing stars almost before I could properly write my own name.”

Geralt smiled, his lips curving at the left corner of his mouth first, and Darcy wondered how he’d taste, coffee and the sweetness of the relish in his burger… and what else? Warm, broad man? 

She shook the thought off. Just because his insanely gorgeous friend wanted to set him up, did not mean he wanted to be set up. Maybe, like Darcy, he had really had no motivation other than being really, really hungry.

“Hey, um…” Darcy stopped abruptly, suddenly uncharacteristically shy. “Are you going to that concert tonight? Jaskier and the Dandelions?”

“Maybe.” He met her gaze, his warm, his amber eyes dancing with mischief, and for a frozen moment Darcy was totally poleaxed by how gorgeous he was, pale hair fluttering in the sunshine, his broad shoulders filling out his tunic perfectly. “Are you asking me on a date?”

Nerves warred with pleasure in Darcy’s stomach. “If I was, would you say yes? If not, then, no, I am definitely only asking out of sheer curiosity about whether you can dance a medieval jig.”

Geralt laughed, the sound throaty and definitely more than a little bit sexy. “If you were asking me on a date, then theoretically, I would say yes.”

Darcy aimed at a nearby trash can - garbed ridiculously in papery medieval flag material (an actual bin was more attractive and handy than a cesspit after all) - and then tossed her balled up burger wrapper, scoring a perfect hit. “Then it’s a date.”

****

A few hours later, the stalls were starting to wrap up, and Darcy decided to drive to her (budget) hotel to freshen up before the concert later. The clock struck six p.m as she packed up her stuff, leaving only the faire-provided lockbox with the bare minimum inside it. She pulled the huge bag over her shoulder, thankful as she usually was at these gigs that canvas and paintbrushes weighed so little.

Yennefer stood on duty next door. Geralt had gone about a half hour ago, to settle Roach in the nearby stable, and, she assumed, to freshen up at his own hotel or tent. She couldn’t imagine him as a 300-threadcount sheet kind of guy, but you never knew.

He’d sent her a loaded smile as he’d prepared to leave, and a little frisson of excitement had skated down her spine. Maybe barbarians are my type after all.

“Have fun tonight,” Yennefer grinned as Darcy went to bid her goodbye. “I hear Jaskier’s brilliant. Very romantic.”

“As romantic as possible, I guess, given the amount of meat and, by that time, the amount of costumes and wigs that are askew.”

Yennefer laughed, startled, and then smiled warmly. “I do like you, Darcy. Try and loosen Geralt up a little, would you?”

My pleasure,  Darcy thought privately as she saluted the other woman and made her way to her little car, unharmed thanks to Geralt’s intervention earlier. A lot of the other cars had cleared out already, and she easily packed her things, winding the windows down and setting the radio on loud. She sang along with the Chainsmokers as she sped down the road, the sun beginning its slow descent into the horizon.

Darcy parked up, smiling absently at the other cars in the hotel lot with ren fayre stickers on the trunk and bumpers, along with roleplayer slogan stickers like I BRAKE FOR KOBOLDS and KEEP CALM AND LARP ON.

A group of ren fayre goers sat on the benches by the hotel entrance, smoking, one of them playing what looked like an actual lute, a feathered cap perched on his head and a parrot on his shoulder. Darcy grinned as she passed them. There was nothing quite like a ren fayre to bring out everything America had to offer.

At the desk, she dropped her bag on the floor and gave the clerk her details. It took a while. After five minutes, Darcy tried to lean over the high counter. “Is there a problem?”

The clerk bit her lip, tapping away at the keyboard nervously. “I’m sure it’s just some administrative error. I’ll get it sorted.”

Another five minutes passed. Quite the queue had formed behind her, and Darcy’s stomach growled. She leaned over again. “I’m sorry to put the pressure on, but, can you just tell me what’s up?”

The clerk met her gaze miserably. “I’m sorry ma’am, it seems like your room has been overbooked and it’s already occupied.”

“What? By who?” Darcy asked incredulously.

Tagging: @asifbyemagik​ @hopelessromanticspoonie​ @emmalouise663

[colonel-insomniac]

The Thief’s Prince Part 3

finally I'm finished with this au. I loved it, really, but i also have other ideas. Read more on AO3

Bobby nods, focusing on that warmth as he stands up and puts on a brave front. “Right, let’s get this thing started.”

For anyone who’s wondering, riding a flying carpet is not as cool as it seems. It’s terrifying, going at such high speeds, unprotected. One wrong move and Bobby will be gone, taking a free fall through the air, a swan dive to the ground. So yeah, he’s scared, but it’s also so relieving. This freedom, it’s almost tangible. He’s soaring through the air, free, he never has to return. He could probably turn to Aladdin, tell him, “I don’t wanna go back,” and turn and go back, never returning to Bobby’s hometown. 

But maybe it’s the principle of the matter. Maybe he needs to go back, try to make things right. No matter how this ends for Bobby, he doesn’t want his friends to suffer because of his foolish mistake. Also, there’s a small but very large part of Bobby that feels as though he should get to make his claim. Yes, he’s robbed people, yes, he’s a thief. But he doesn’t deserve execution for that. 

There’s water below them now, and occasionally, Bobby can see animals gracefully leaping out of the silky water, diving back under. Even Sheldon is absorbed in the liquid below them, curiously studying it. Watching the mystical being totally entranced brings a smile to Bobby’s face. Small joys. 

His smile dwindles as he sees the palace of his home kingdom grow larger. “Are you sure you can fix this?” He asks Aladdin, worry seeping into his veins. 

“Well, I can try. We can always try turning back time with a second wish. I just don’t know if that’s the best option.” When Bobby looks at him questioningly, Aladdin adds, “Keeping things hidden from someone you care about is exhausting and eventually it’ll come to a point where this will happen again because you’ll get tired of sneaking around and hiding the truth.” Bobby looks away, but nods. 

“I guess you’re right.” He mutters. The carpet comes to a halt on the roof of the palace, and Aladdin ruffles Bobby’s hair before standing up. “‘Course I’m right. You wait here, I don’t want to risk this whole thing falling apart. Point out his room to me?”

Bobby nods, and looks around before pointing at a structure in the slight distance. “Be careful,” Bobby blurts, holding onto Aladdin’s arm. The taller of the two nods before leaping off. Old habits apparently die really hard. 

He gets nervous, though, waiting around for a mess he’s caused to change. What if Aladdin can’t fix everything? He has to go and try, at least. “Now, how does this work?” He asks himself. “Hey, carpet?” Bobby feels stupid for talking to a carpet, but he rears back when he sees the tassels move, almost as though it’s listening. “Bring me to the prince’s room, over there, please.” At Bobby’s words, the carpet gently moves towards its destination, as though it can sense that if it were to move faster, it would freak Bobby out. 

“Can you bring us a little lower?” He asks, hoping to see through a window. 

Luckily, the carpet manages to lower just underneath the window sill, and Bobby’s mop of curly auburn hair barely brushes the window. He watches as the rosy-cheeked prince approaches Aladdin. The two shake hands, and Bobby watches as Aladdin gestures while he speaks. Patrick’s face closes off, and he shakes his head, frowning.

Aladdin’s gestures grew more wild, as he grows slightly angry, evidently trying to explain something that Patrick might not be understanding. He desperately wants to know what they’re saying in there. Instead, he’s stuck on the outside, observing everything that goes on inside. Aladdin sits Patrick down and continues talking. The prince looks upset, as he turns his head to the side, and looks out the window, the same one Bobby’s looking through. 

Bobby can feel his eyes widen in terror, but Patrick doesn’t seem to notice Bobby, turning back to meet Aladdin’s eyes. He says something, and Bobby can see Aladdin’s face light up slightly. Not much, but maybe he has another idea or something. 

Eventually, Aladdin exits the room, and through a series of leaps, winds up on the roof again. “Okay, so he’s agreed to visit you and talk,” Bobby sits up straighter. That’s good news! “But, he didn’t agree to any sort of pardon, so we gotta get you back down there.” Bobby nods, and Aladdin places a hand on Bobby’s shoulder, his face soft, and a little sad. 

It’s kind of insane how easily they were able to sneak down to the dungeon, but they manage to get in and Bobby slips into the cell he had been tossed into not long ago. Aladdin stays on the outside, shutting the metal door. A small clang resonates throughout the gray dungeon, and Bobby shivers, remembering everything that he stands to lose. “Just hang in there, we have a plan B.” Sheldon, who has been oddly quiet, disappears into the lamp without a word. 

Footsteps echo, soft at first, but grow increasingly louder. Bobby’s stomach knots up, and he presses himelf into the corner of his cell, suddenly uncomfortable and trying to be invisible. When Bobby looks to Aladdin for guidance, Aladdin shakes his head slightly. The prince walks up behind Aladdin, and stares directly at Bobby. His eyes are closed off, but everything comes back to Bobby as soon as they look at each other. His hand goes to his neck, and he can feel his heartbeat in the space directly underneath his jaw. The three are engulfed in silence, awkward and filled with tension. 

“So,” Patrick begins, “how are you?” 

If Bobby weren’t in his current predicament, he’s certain he’d laugh at the question. It has to be the most awkward question ever. However, the audacity of the question at this moment angers him a little. “Oh, pretty good considering my head’s supposed to be chopped off tomorrow.” The prince winces, but Bobby can’t be bothered to feel any guilt over the coment. 

“Well—” Patrick starts to say something, but Bobby is quick to cut him off.

“Don’t even bother with an excuse. Me being a thief doesn’t mean my head should get cut off.” He says, cheeks flushed. 

“If you would let me speak,” The prince states, “you would have heard that I was gonna have you pardoned. I was being too harsh, and you’re right. I don’t know what its like to be out there, living with next to nothing. There are hundreds of plates and silverware and other things that are simply unnecessary; we can stand to lose some of it.” Bobby can feel the hope returning to his body, and he scrambles in an effort to stand up. He grips the cold metal bars that separate them.

“Are you serious?” He asks, voice filled with hope. 

Patrick nods, “Your friend over there was the one who talked some sense into me.” The two glance at Aladdin, who simply nods once. “He made me sit down and listen to what he was saying, and he was the one who suggested I come down to talk to you.” The prince tilts his head down, seemingly ashamed. He mutters a word that Bobby doesn’t quite hear, so he tilts his head. 

“I’m sorry.” Patrick states, his pink tinged hair shajing slightly. 

“C-can you let me out of here?” Bobby asks, face pale. Patrick nods, unlocking the door and swinging it open. 

Bobby rushes towards the prince, wrapping his arms around him tightly. At first the prince is too stunned, frozen in place, but slowly he hugs Bobby back. “Thank you.” He whispers to Patrick.

When they pull away from each other, Aladdin clears his throat and gestures for Bobby to follow him. “Thank you so much.” Bobby starts, lunging himself at Aladdin in an embrace. 

Aladdin laughs, patting Bobby’s head gently. “You’re welcome. I actually wanted to tell you that he has obvious feelings for you. I don’t think he’d be as willing to pardon someone else if they were under your circumstances. I barely had to argue with him before he gave in. I’m not saying you have to like, give your body to him,” Bobby breaks eye contact with the Arabian prince to glance at Patrick, who’s watching them, “Because you aren’t indebted to him in any way. His reaction isn’t your fault. I just figured maybe I hsould let you know.” Bobby nods, thoroughly shocked. He didn’t realize it, but now that it’s been said, it does make sense. The way the prince’s eyes lit up every time he’d see Bobby’s face, how quick he was to let Bobby bathe in his tub. It makes so much sense. 

Aladdin pat’s Bobby’s back, giving him a quick hug again before pushing him away. “Go, I know you like him too. I can tell.” Bobby’s face flushes, but he manages to retort: “Yeah, even I could tell you that much.” Aladdin rolls his eyes with a smile, walking towards Patrick. 

Bobby watches the prince closely, leaning against the wall. Next to him, the carpet places its tassel on Bobby’s forearm, and Bobby smiles in response, scratching very lightly at the carpet fibers. He watches the prince and Aladdin converse for a moment. They shake hands amiably, and the three—or four, counting the carpet—make their way upstairs.

Once outside, Bobby and Patrick watch as Aladdin flies off on his carpet. Bobby waves until he can’t see them anymore. They turn to look at each other, and Patrick nervously scratches at his neck. “I’m sorry, again. I shouldn’t have done any of that, and—” Bobby shakes his head, “It’s fine, really. Well, I can’t say that it isn’t affecting me, and I’ll be having some pretty terrifying nightmares, but—” 

Bobby’s cut off by the sensation of Patrick’s mouth on his. He’s a little confused, when did Patrick’s face get that close to his? His body warms up as he realizes he’s kissing the prince. “Wait,” He says when he pushes Patrick away slightly. “We can’t—I mean, I don’t think I can move that fast. Things happened, and I do forgive you, but I still need time to get over this whole thing.” 

Now this is the real challenge, Bobby thinks. This will determine what happens next. He’s bracing himself for some sort of negative reaction from the prince, but while he looks crushed, Patrick nods. Bobby excuses himself by saying that he needs to use the restroom, and he pulls the locket out, rubbing the metal with his thumb. “Can you make the guards and townsfolk forget what happened? It’ll make it much easier on me and Patrick.” Sheldon nods, and is about to snap his fingers before he pauses. 

“Wouldn’t you rather forget it too? I can make time go back, before this all happened.” Bobby shakes his head instantly.

“No,” he says, firmly. “I mean, I would, but I would make the same mistake if the clock rewound again. This is it, I can’t have this happen again and again.” Sheldon snaps his fingers, and Bobby smiles. “I know my third wish, too.” The genie leans forward slightly, waiting. “I wish to free you from being a genie.” Sheldon snaps again before his eyes snap open. 

“What?” Is the only thing he’s able to get out before green sparkles wash over him. “Why’d you…?” He asks, afterwards. 

Bobby smiles, “You’ve been trapped in there for the past twenty years, this past day has been the first time in twenty years that you’ve seen the world. It doesn’t matter what you did or said before that, no one deserves to be trapped somewhere for so long like that.”

“You could’ve used that third wish for anything you wanted, you could’ve made yourself rich, given yourself anything your heart desired, and you chose to free me?” Sheldon asks, voice laced with emotion. Bobby nods again, smiling slightly. 

Sheldon staggers forward, and Bobby catches the former genie in an embrace. “Go,” He whispers, “you’re free to do what you want now.” Sheldon whispers a ‘thank you’ to Bobby.

Bobby manages to distract the prince long enough for Sheldon to sneak past them. He’s done wrong in his past, that’s for sure, but maybe doing it for a good cause nullified his wrongdoings. All he knows for certain is that this is the end of it all. This is where he finally draws the line, because things are definitely going to change. 

“I have a question,” Patrick states out of the blue one night several weeks later. “And you can totally say no.” Bobby turns his head towards Patrick, curious. “Would you accept if I asked you to be my partner?” Bobby’s taken a little by surprise, by the question, and he leans back slightly. “I thought that’d be your reaction. It’s fine, forget it.” 

“No, I just…was shocked, that’s all. Of course I would, but can we still take it slow?” He asks, heart filled to the brim with joy. 

Patrick smiles at Bobby, placing a hand gently on his cheek. “For you, of course.”

[creekschitt]

Better Than The Best Night Without You

Summary: When Patrick gets a call that David and Stevie have been in an accident, he fears the worst. But a beautiful lesson comes out of it.

Note: Link to AO3! This is my first SC fic so please be gentle. Also AU in which Alexis didn’t go to the Galapagos, I guess, because I have a hard time believing that’s going to happen.

Patrick watches it all happen and says nothing. It occurs to him now, in this moment, that this is his family. In a few short months when they’re married, these are the people who will surround each other at bedsides just like this, the ones who will be there for each other in the (hopefully few) dark moments.

The call comes at around 3 am, but Patrick had only drifted off about an hour prior. David was accompanying Stevie to some event in Elmdale - he’d been told several times what it was and still couldn’t remember. Some kind of…hospitality mixer? Something that would be good for business but Stevie wouldn’t be caught dead at alone. Whatever it was, it had run too late and David had called around 1 saying he was so sorry, but they were only hitting the road now. He’d sounded a little tipsy but Stevie had assured on speakerphone that she was driving and perfectly sober.

The first call had shaken Patrick a little, though he didn’t want to admit it. He’s not used to sleeping without David and he’d sort of been counting on it tonight, regardless of how late it may be, so it takes a good hour for him to get back to sleep after he hangs up. That’s what makes the second one so unexpected. He’s bleary eyed when he fumbles for his phone on the night stand, barely conscious enough to lift it to his ear. “David? Where are you guys?” But the voice on the other end of the line isn’t David.

It’s Stevie, and she’s hysterical.

“Someone hit us. A drunk driver. We were at an intersection and-”

Patrick can’t hear through the ringing in his ears. He puts Stevie on speaker and starts getting dressed, barely catching snippets of what she’s saying. She’s okay, but David’s unconscious. They’re in an ambulance on their way to the hospital. She’s calling David’s family next. “I’m on my way,” is all Patrick is able to get out of his mouth before hanging up the phone. He’s never been up and out the door so fast in his life.

The drive to the hospital seems endless. By the time he’s bursting through the automatic doors he’s worked himself up to the worst-case scenario. He walks up to the front desk, ready to demand to see David, but suddenly he’s being intercepted out of nowhere - hands are on his shoulders and he comes out of his daze just long enough to see Alexis in front of him.

“Patrick,” it’s like she can sense that he’s about to make a scene. “Come on. We’re sitting over here.” She gestures over to where her family are sitting in uncomfortable waiting room chairs. Stevie sits next to them with red-rimmed eyes.

“No. I need to see him.”

“We all do, but we don’t know anything yet. We have to wait, okay?” She says it in her usual saccharine voice, and it’s placating, and it just drives Patrick more insane than he already feels. How are they all just sitting there? How is he the only one freaking out? He’s never the one freaking out.

“No, fuck that, I need to-”

Alexis’ surprisingly strong grip stops him again as he moves forward, and he must have raised his voice just enough because the nurse is telling him he needs to sit down now. The last thing he needs is to get kicked out of here so he lets Alexis lead him over to the chairs. He slumps down next to Stevie who looks as defeated as he feels. It’s only then that he remembers-

“Stevie. Are you okay? Why are you out here?”

“They checked me out already. Not a scratch,” she says it with a quiet laugh that is laden with self-loathing. Like she can’t believe she’s the one that’s okay. Like she hates herself for it. “It happened so fast, Patrick.” The way she looks at him is desperate in a way he’s never seen before. They’d gotten pretty close through doing the show, bonded over their mutual fondness for one David Rose, and he envelopes her in a hug without thinking twice about it.

“It’s not your fault,” he assures her, as much as he’s able to assure anybody right now.

“Okay, everyone? The last thing David needs is a bunch of hysterical people coming into his room when he wakes up, so let’s pull it together please.” Alexis chides, and it’s only then that Patrick realizes that David’s parents haven’t said a word. He’s never heard them not say a word. Between that and Stevie’s face the whole thing is so wrong, so out of character, he feels like he’s coming unglued with it.

He’s about to stand up again when a doctor emerges into the otherwise-vacant waiting room, asking for David’s family. Patrick is the first to approach him, his entire demeanor demanding answers, and Alexis’s hands are on his shoulders again to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.

“He’s awake,” the doctor tells them. Patrick lets out what feels like the first breath he’s taken in the past hour. He has to consciously remind himself to keep listening as the doctor continues:

“His right wrist is fractured and he has a concussion, but we didn’t find any internal bleeding. We’ll need to monitor the concussion tonight and keep him awake, but he should be free to go tomorrow. You’re welcome to see him.”

The last words are hardly out of the doctor’s mouth before Patrick is walking straight past him through the double doors. No one follows him just yet. Maybe they want to give him some privacy, maybe they have more questions to ask the doctor. He doesn’t care, because right now all he can see is David through the doorway of a room ahead of him. David with a cast on his arm and a butterfly bandage over his left eyebrow.

He’s never seen David like this. Even when he’s sick he’ll hide from Patrick, covering his face with the blankets or hiding in the bathroom to avoid his usual put-together facade being broken. He once told Patrick that not many people got to see him before 9 AM. And now here he was, looking more fragile than Patrick had ever seen him. It made him shake a little. To use David’s own words, it looked incorrect.

He only gave himself a moment to regain his composure before rushing into the room. “David.” Patrick breathes the word like it’s a prayer, crossing the room and taking his one free hand. He kisses him and David returns it but grimaces. Right, the concussion. He’d already forgotten. He can see it now, the way David’s eyes look dazed and far away. Patrick is so distracted that it startles him when David speaks.

“I don’t think I’ll make it home tonight actually,” and there’s that grin, the one Patrick fell in love with. His hand is coming up to cup Patrick’s cheek, as if he’s the one that needs comforting.

Patrick squeezes their hands together tightly, the only affection he can show right now without causing David more discomfort. “Yeah, I kind of gathered that.” He laughs a little, and he’s so grateful to be laughing. So grateful that they’re in a situation where he can laugh, and not the worst-case scenarios he’d feared on the way over. “Fuck, I thought-” he can’t even finish the thought. He doesn’t want David to know where his mind went.

David is about to respond when the rest of his family enters. Moira sets right to making a big fuss about her precious baby boy and Alexis is flitting around trying to find a nurse they can talk to and Stevie is hanging in the back, looking apologetic but also deeply relieved. Patrick watches it all happen and says nothing. It occurs to him now, in this moment, that this is his family. In a few short months when they’re married, these are the people who will surround each other at bedsides just like this, the ones who will be there for each other in the (hopefully few) dark moments.

But they’ll be there in the good ones too. Alexis will bring that authoritative and surprisingly calming energy to their wedding, making sure no one loses their cool. Stevie will be there when the pipe under their sink bursts and they need a place to stay, always showing up in the moments they need her most. Moira will continue to fuss over David in a way that Patrick will never be able to match, and Johnny will look at him with the same pride that Patrick feels every single day. For as awful as this night has been, it’s also been an important reminder. They’ll be there for each other, always.

Everyone offers to stay but eventually trickles out of the room one by one, off to get the sleep that neither he nor David will be getting any time soon.

“Hey,” David’s voice shakes him out of his thoughts and the hand in his tightens its grip. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Patrick smiles softly and pulls up a chair, ready to take his station for the remainder of the night. “How do you propose I keep you awake all night?” Obviously they can’t use their usual methods, he thinks.

“What’s the opposite of talking about baseball?”

Patrick laughs, and soon the nurse is coming in, and David is holding his cast up and asking if it “possibly comes in black,” and Patrick realizes that even the worst moments with David are going to be better than any of the best moments without him.”>

[pokemagines]

JAPAN TRIP 2k19 with Mod Elesa (1/?)

hey n’yall it’s mod elesa, lemme tell u bout my japan trip! u can find some of the photos of these events on my instagram @atel2er! i didn’t want to flood this post with pictures hehe ,,

GENERAL STUFF

went for school, study abroad trip to study visualization and simulation of “serious games” that businesses buy and use (but i dont feel like talking abt it since this is the FUN POST

may 10-26

the flight was 11 hours, p easy, i didn’t know anybody going into the trip because i didn’t go to any of the meetings HAHhaHEHA

whatever. everyone on the trip initially came off as if they had yellow fever and i was like ... i’m really not trying to interact with FETISHIZERS

turns out they were all really cool! only this one kid was a real weeaboo who was greasy and tall and a neckbeard who kept talking about being “culturally insensitive” and speaking japanese constantly to the teacher and the TA like ... ok patrick we get it you flex

i stayed in a hotel in shinjuku! everything is so small and i used the bidets for the first time and WOO chile that shit feels FUNKY on your asshole

i visited shinjuku major (kabukicho aka red light district, couple other places!), ikebukuro (THE MEGA POKEMON CENTER), mt fuji, fuji q highland, akihabara, hamamatsucho (area where tokyo tower is), HARAJUKU, and the emperor’s palace! i’m probably forgetting some places since we went to a lot of temples and shrines that were cool ...

the public transportation in japan is scarily on time.. like, by the second. they apologize if they’re one minute early and will wait until the scheduled time before they move omg

the subway stations have their own jingles! they kind of act as an alarm system because a lot of people sleep on the subway (which is why people generally don’t talk on it) and will recognize the jingle for their stop!

the crowded hours on the subway are noon and 6-8pm... like, its insane. it’s actually packed like sardines in there. 

EVERYONE THERE IS SO SHORT.... i was taller than a lot of the grown men there (i’m 5′4″ or 162 cm for reference) and most people were around 5 feet tall... the only people taller than me were some kids around my age and this gaggle of japanese schoolgirls who were like 5′7+ and i was like. sis you’re 13, why are you that tall

pokemon is EXTREMELY prevalent in japan wherever you go. there’s pikachu stickers on taxis, pikachu is on ads on the subway and at the AIRPORT, pokemon go is widely played by a lot of people and so many of the people in my group played it so i got conned into playing again. i leveled up 5 times within 3 days and honestly? i’m god

anime is very normal there... i know that sounds all “weeby” but a lot of normal shops had animated mascots and there were ads for anime all over the place. 

literally gacha machines everywhere i spent a lot of coins on gacha machines plz kill me

the homies in japan loooove crepes. they sold so many crepes. everywhere. just crepes. also spaghetti carbonara! and corndogs HAHAHA

the food there is so cheap but SOOO GOOD. sushi isn’t all that expensive at all?? like a set of 16 pieces is 1080Y... meanwhile that cost in america is like. $6000 HAHAHAHAH. 

very humid? at all times? also the RAIN is debilitating if u make one wrong step you will slip and die (like i did! i stepped on a tile and fucking fell into a puddle! i have bruises still!)

SHINJUKU (detective pikachu day, may 10)

i went to go see detective pikachu on its release day in shinjuku! before that, i went to a couple sega buildings--

the sega buildings are 4 story buildings FILLED with claw machines holding stuffed animals, figurines, candy, all kinds of stuff. when i went, there was a lot of detective pikachu-related stuff. i saw this detective pikachu hat in one of the machines and spent 1000Y (about $10) or 10 attempts at the claw machine ... i still can’t believe i got it ... nobody was there to see it besides me and i YELLED when it dropped 

i wore the hat that entire day around shinjuku because i honestly felt like god. people would point at me and go like “ah! meitantei pikachu!” and smile at me. i was a celebrity. i wore the hat into the movie theatre, i wore it through the entire movie, and when i was walking out, someone tapped on my shoulder and asked for my picture. she was all nervous about her english and was like “i love your hat. may i take a picture?” and i was like omG YES U CAN... sweet bab... so that’s the first photo of me that ended up on some random person’s phone

we waited around for the mass of people to exit the theatre and then left, and we ran into her again! she asked me more questions about the hat: “did you make it?” “no, i got it in a claw machine in the sega building.” she looked dumbfounded. “in shinjuku?” “yes.” “in the sega building? over there?” “yeees.” “in a claw machine?!” “yes!” “ah! i thought you made it! it’s so cute! i’m going to get one for myself.” “lol ok have fun”

i learned that its customary to stay until the very end of the credits before leaving a movie out of respect for the people who made it! meanwhile in america we walk out when the credits roll FHDSKFJS OOPIES

SHINJUKU (visit #2)

we went in the night time to go see the red light district aka kabuki-cho because thats where a lot of the bars are

i don’t drink so i didn’t join the people who went to the bars to get CRUNK, so i dragged two other guys with me and we walked around the red light district

I SAW SO MANY HOST CLUBS. so many maid cafes. so many bars. i saw a love hotel too... i was like... i wanna go inside... Blease... and my friends were like “you’re so weird KHEDJFSk” and im like “I WAS GOOGLING THESE IN CLASS TODAY, I DIDN’T THINK THEY WERE REAL”

my friend sean (he’s from taipei, cool guy, could read a lot of the kanji so we used him to navigate the subway HAHA) was walking with me that night and we saw this hole in the wall that had stairs going down to a peep show ... homegirl had her whole ass out on the sign... tiddies covered with caution tape ... i said MAAM?

one of the signs in kabuki-cho had a woman doing straight up ahegao with (what i’m pretty sure was) nut on her face. it was a small sign and i was the only one who saw it. i lost my shit. it was the funniest thing ever

kabuki-cho is really really dirty... like people straight up litter all the time bc there’s no trashcans around? so people throw their shit on the ground? and everyone steps on it... very seedy area, very gross, but i was absolutely enthralled with the nightlife and the blatant sexual vibes half the places had!

some dude stopped me and started speaking english saying “do you like karaoke? you should come drink with me for two hours, it’s a great price if you drink a lot” and i was like “no... i have to go home” and he’s like “come onnnn it’s a good price” and i was like. i’m not very assertive with men so i started panicking and my friend sean (A GOD AMONG MEN) started speaking chinese to him and he backed off ... i love you sean you’re so fucking COOL

IKEBUKURO (pokemon mega center)

so there’s this huge mall. i forgot the name, but it’s got like a lot of floors and they’re MASSIVE

on the 2rd floor is the MEGA POKEMON CENTER!!! i was so HYPED to go in there!!! it was teeming with people but there was just... so much stuff. all kinds of merch. they had plushies of the original 151, a shitton of really cool tshirts, a whole block for detective pikachu-themed merch (pins, socks, canvas bags, shirts, patches, hats, etc), and sooo much more. there’s a giant charizard statue when you walk in, as well as a statue of a pokestop HAHA. i was so excited and i wanted to buy so many things when i was in there bc they had stuff for all the legendaries (LATIOS AND LATIAS STUFF WERE THERE I WAS SO HAPPY)!!! literally anything you can think of, they had in some kind of pokemon print. including underwear. yeah i said it. here’s a really good article that showcases some of the stuff they sold there!

for reference, 100 yen is about 1 usd. a lot of things there were 480 yen ($4.80) or 3000Y ($30) and it was just... beautiful. 

when i was there, yen didn’t feel like it had monetary value since it’s not the currency i’m used to, so i sPENT WAY TOO MUCH AHFJKDFD

they had themed cash registers with each of the starters... i cried :’)

i actually went there a second time but it was packed for a different reason. some idol group was performing on the ground floor and a shitton of girls were screaming fanchants while their jpop boys danced LOLLL. now i know how people see kpop stans ...

AKIHABARA (i went like 8 times)

this is what i like to call my birthplace

we went to the maid cafe. of course we fucking did. i got a dreamland passport and some cat ears. THE MAIDS ALL LOVED HATSUNE MIKU

SPEAKING OF HATSUNE MIKU AKA MY GODDESS, she was pretty popular in akihabara! she was also on some posters in the subway stations (across tokyo, not just in akihabara) and was apparently having some magical mirai concert???

there’s this giant tower called radio kaikan thats right outside the akihabara station that’s filled with all sorts of anime shit. i spent so much money in there. Good God. there was a furret plush for 5400Y and i was so STINGY that day i shouldve BOUGHT IT....  it was a longboi and i was like... sis!!!!

remember how i said my brain didn’t register that yen had monetary value? yeah i spent hundreds of dollars here no cap ...

i went to a kaguya-sama cafe as well on another day bc my friend joe (one of the figureine-collecting weebs) wanted to go and get a chika coaster

i went into a three floor sex shop and gave no fucks, the bottom floor was filled with bdsm shit and LEATHER SCHOOLGIRL OUTFITS and it was WILD. and these two old men were just casually browsing this shit like we weren’t both looking at whips and buttplugs in Public you know

i wasn’t fazed by a lot of the stuff there bc i read Funky fanfiction but the people i went in there with were major uncomfy ... i was like PRUDES HAJKFDAHDS i almost bought something don’t tell anybody

OKAY SO. there’s this place called super potato that has a floor dedicated to old games and consoles. they had so many gameboy advances and gamecubes and old consoles (famicom, dreamcast etc) for CHEAP. they had a gameboy color for 4900Y and a gamecube for 5600Y. a bitch almost cried. they had every old pokemon game under the sun (the original red, blue, yellow, gold and silver) and i ,,, they were 480Y. they were 480Y. that’s five fucking dollars. do you know how much collectors pay for that shit on ebay? HUNDREDS. i could’ve mass bought those and sold them and made so much cash but I DIDN’T.

that store had an original unopened copy of super smash bros melee and pokemon colosseum and i was like... wait if i cop a gamecube i could play pokemon collosseum like a true g... ((i didn’t cop))

but anyways there were a lot of games that didn’t make it to america (including mother 3! which my friend connor bought! as well as the console to play it!) and just... so many old things i grew up with ... 

whenever i walked out of the super potato we’d end up in an alley where all the girls who work at cafes were advertising their stuff

i always took the flyers from the girls bc they spoke their cute english to me and i was like... i’d die for you, yknow that?

ALL KINDS OF CAFES. regular maid cafe, pirate cafe, ninja cafe (you could do that thing where you karate chop a wooden block in half), sailor cafe (as in actual ship captains), shrine maiden cafe, vampire cafe, prince cafe (for the ladies ;3), catgirl cafe, bunny girl cafe... i took all of the goddamn flYERS THEY WERE ALL SO CUTE :( i wanted to go so bad...

FUJI Q HIGHLAND (also known as the time i flipped my shit and went on rollercoasters)

when i found out about fuji-q, i told my group that we HAD to go. i didn’t want to go to an onsen. i wanted to go to fuji-q. i had to. i love rollercoasters, it’s my passion, my driving fORCE IN LIFE

so fuji-q is home to 4 record-breaking rollercoasters! u got fast boi aka jojo reference do-dodonpa; EXTREME TALL BOI fujiyama; superior to x2 at six flags eejanaika; and the steepest rollercoaster in the world TAKABISHA ... i got to ride fujiyama, eejanaika, and takabisha! the scariest one was probably fujiyama despite it being very cut and dry up for... ever ... 79 meters ... oh god ... i lost my shit on the way down ladies let me TELL YOU

FUJIYAMA ALSO HAS A VIEW OF MT FUJI AND I WAS LIK E”YO GUYS ITS MT FUJI” and then we went down and i screamed

please watch the pov videos for these rides they’re very good but they don’t convey the absurd amount of excitement i had going on these rides

anyways the fuji-q park was having a sword art online collaboration when i visited, so they played SAO music and had cardboard cutouts for them across the park... kirito’s ride was fujiyama (aka the king of them all). i forgot the other ones but those alicization kiddos were there but ion care about ALICE OR EUGEO

the first ride i went on was eejanaika which is a 4d rollercoaster, pretty epic, total Baby Ride though

i went on as a single rider so i ended up getting put in this group with these college kids! the guy i was sitting next to spoke to me in english and asked basic questions: “where are you from?”, “is this [ride] easy for you?”, “how old are you?”, basic stuff. he asked why i was in japan and i told him i was studying at waseda university, and he immediately perked up and went “I GO TO WASEDA!!! WASEDA YEAH!!!” and fist bumped me ... his friends were giggling and kept asking him to ask me questions and it was just. so wholesome.

when we were abt to get on the ride he looks at me and says “my name is soichiro. call me so-chan ok??” and i was like... “so-chan” and his friENDS ALL STARTED GIGGLIGN AND I WAS LIKE U///W///U

while we were going up on the ride, he kept yelling “JESUS FUCK YOU JESUS CHRIST” and my favorite: “JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK YOU” because apparently fuck cannot be standalone! “what the fuck you” is my new fave insult (i miss you so-chan)

afterwards he kept coughing and was like. dead. his soul left his body. so i asked in him japanese like,,, “daijobu ka?” and he was like “nai.” and i just laughed at him bc BA B Y SO-CHAN CANT HANDLE SOME SPINS 

i bought a corndog at fuji-q at this place called arirang hotdog which is a korean style hotdog place??? BRUH that shit is so good but i shat myself for a good minute afterwards ... damn i want those corndogs

sadly i did not get to go on do-dodonpa because nobody wanted to ride with me and i didn’t want to go by myself >:/// still mad abt that bc that was the FAST BOI ...

also. takabisha. the guiness world record with the 121 degree drop. not even scary. BUT they do hang you there for like 3 seconds before making you go down and i was like “YALL FUCKIN WITH ME” really loud when they hung us there ... PLS watch a pov video you’ll see what i mean ...

HARAJUKU (i totally forgot abt this place OH lord)

i bought ... clothes here ...

they have all those clothes with the random english words on them so OF COURSE i had to buy one AS WELL AS a hat to match!

i also bought one of those ear hats where u press the paws and the ears move ... bts inspired that one

so many people in harajuku absolutely DECKED OUT in fashion. what a bunch of legends.

apparently wearing shirts that say “babygirl” are popular here i have no clue why ,,,, also im pretty sure i remember seeing a shirt that said “call me daddy” and i’m like. Ok Japan

half the shit in english made ZERO SENSE or was SPELLED WRONG and that was common all across japan, not just on harajuku fashion pieces LMAOOOO

deadass i went to a couple businesses (fuji xerox, nissan factory, etc) and they had spelling errors all over the place... nissan really had a placard that said “Prease do not touch” AND I CACKLED hfDSKLJF ilove u nissan

[psychospeak-blog]

Breaking Point (Part 3)

PART 1 // PART 2

The anticipation builds.... I got responses saying you all were cool breaking this up into 4 parts, so here we go.... No smut in this one, but some sexual talk, and swearing.

7 days was really an incredibly long time, when you thought about it.

A pass through each and every single day of the week.   A quarter of a month, really.  

But days didn't really exist like that for you anymore.  Your life was now broken up into game days, practice days, and off days, with travel slammed in there, too.  

Everyone else seemed to love the off days, because it was a chance to explore wherever you happened to be. 

You had grown to dread them, because it seemed to take a ridiculous amount of planning just to orchestrate how organically happen across each other.  The plane rides kind of sucked, too.  Because you were basically so close but couldn't talk on person, instead texting through most of the flight.  And, because you were seated up front with the rest of the media, you knew that he could so very easily keep his eye on you to see your reaction to every message (and you'd caught him doing so a couple of times, honestly).  But you couldn't very well just crane your neck backwards the whole time without looking painfully obvious.  Or insane.  Or both.  

Staying apart and keeping things on the down low was getting pretty tough too. For instance, the one time he almost slipped and called you 'babe' during an interview, someone playing it off like a cough and trying to regain his words and thoughts while you had to stand there trying not to laugh at his stumble.

At this point, you were pretty sure you'd visited pretty much every hidden nook and cranny in all of the arenas you'd visited in the past week.  Nothing like the closet, but he's managed to smuggle you away for quick, often chaste kisses, sometimes a hand snuck onto your hip.  There also have been a time where he'd cupped the side of your breast every so slightly, like it was just super casual as he was kissing you, and you couldn't believe how sensitive that area of you was, even through your bra and shirt.  Every other guy you were with had just gone straight for the nipple like a bullseye, but this felt different - almost sensual rather than sexual.

That's not to say the sexual tension wasn't there.  Nope, that phone call which had been meant to take the edge off, kind of only fueled things further.  A heavy make-out session behind a restaurant a group of you had been at when the two of you had just happened to get up to go to the bathroom at the same time had you grinding unabashedly all over his thigh, and you were pretty sure you were almost about to cum just like that, fully dressed, until there was a crash from the alley behind you and you'd both realized you'd been getting way to into it.  You'd reluctantly both gone back to the table, him first followed by you, and the asshole just kept catching your gaze as he sipped his soup.  And, like, you didn't even think soup could be sexy, but the way his tongue just kept darting out to clean his spoon, or the way he just held his spoonful there, steam rising off it as he blew on it gently to cool it off, his eyes twinkling the entire time? Yeah, the next night you called him, already in the middle of touching yourself, desperate to hear his voice.  You didn't even bother to listen to his greeting, just letting out noises that made no mistake what you were doing.

Thankfully he didn't seem to mind one bit.

And there were pictures, too.  Oh, there were pictures.  You'd made sure to point out to him that it was really unfair that he'd gotten to see you practically naked, and you'd barely seen any of him.  But he just made certain to point out that he hadn't, not really, that he'd gotten to feel your tits but not see them.  So guess who got a snap of that?

You were rewarded with a dick pic.  Which was, honestly, usually not something that was straight-up hot to you, but you really needed evidence to help fill out your fantasies, you know? 

And, boy, were they filled out.

Let's just say that you were truly relieved that he was not on the phone with you when you say the picture (or even in person because...yeah, it was a lot) because you were pretty sure that your jaw just like dropped open and you let out a strangled little noise.  Like, even if there was some strange angle in play or a trick of the lighting or his hand wasn't as big as you thought, throwing the whole scale off, it was still a lot.  And you'd anticipated this, on what you'd already seen and felt, but you still weren't expecting him to be packing quite such a monster.  Like, shouldn't he warn you ahead of time or something? It made you equal parts nervous and exhilarated. 

And, as the days moved on, rather than feel more and more relieved that you were getting closer to finally getting to, well, do it, you found yourself getting more and more and more apprehensive.  Because it was somehow just occurring to you that you had a date to sleep with a professional athlete. 

And somehow this was way more overwhelming than the fact that you were dating Nolan Patrick.

However, these worries were quickly overshadowed by the incident.

When Nolan pulled you aside one day after a practice and he looked crazy nervous and almost ashamed and he just kept saying he was really, really sorry, but...and your heart started pounded with dread, and then he just finished it by saying that some of the guys may have accidentally (he stressed this part) seen your tits.  And you just laughed and were slightly embarrassed but not completely mortified, because you knew better than include your face in nudes, for Christ's sake.  Honestly, you were just more curious WHY he was looking at them after practice, and he got so red, dropping his head like he'd actually been caught with his head in the proverbial cookie jar. 

And then fucking TK happened. First he made some comment one day promising he'd keep his interview short so you could get to Nolan, grinning at you the entire time.  You thought he was just teasing you, thinking you had a little crush. Or maybe just trying to get you to blush.

But then you were asking him about the goal he'd scored in the last game of the road trip, how it felt to finish things off with a win and go home on a three-game point streak.  And he, I kid you not, looked you dead in the eye and said it felt "downright titillating."

So now you were on the plane, this moment running over and over through your head. After take-off, Nolan had texted you, suggesting that you get some sleep because you wouldn't be getting much tonight, which really didn't help, quite honestly.  Not to mention, he'd straight-up insisted you spend the night, seeing no excuse for you not to even go home first, because you already had your suitcase. But you were trying to take advantage of the fact that you had a whole row of seats yourself, tugging your sweatshirt hood over your head, and pulling the blanket up to your chin, tucking your legs up and shutting your eyes.  Your earbuds were in your ear, and you were trying to imagine Nolan curled up around you, which had been your go-to way to fall asleep lately, when you felt the movement as someone sat down in the seat next to you.  You opened one eye to see Travis grinning down at you pulling your earbud out of your ear.  "Can I help you with something?"

"I brought you a present," he said, pushing a bottled water into your hand, and you were just staring at him, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, "It's important to stay hydrated before vigorous activities, y'know."

You felt your face turn completely red in less than a second and you tried - really, really tried to come up with a quick retort to play it off.  But the longer the time seemed to tick by, the more blank your brain became.  "I don't know what you're talking about," you said dumbly.

"Well, you'd be the only one not to know," Travis grinned at you.  

WHAT??!!! Your eyes darting frantically around the plane. "Everybody knows?!" You whisper-yelled, panic across your face and in your voice.

"Dude, chill," he said, resting a hand on your shoulder, which was really not reassuring at all, "I meant everyone mostly knows he's getting laid tonight.  Not that it's you. Pretty sure that's just me.  And him, obviously."

Your jaw kind of dropped open a little and then shut, "How did you....?"

"I recognized the bedspread.  At first I thought he just hooked up with someone in the hotel, but I knew he was seeing someone.  And he's like, always on his damn phone.  He's obsessed. And he kept looking at you when you weren't looking with the goofy grin on his face.  I put two and two together," He kind of smacked two fingers together, and then lazily looked you up and down, even though you were still covered in a blanket, "Nice rack, by the way."

It turned out you could turn even redder.  

"Hey, I'm kidding, kid," he sort of grabbed your shoulder and pulled you over in an awkward side hug thing that sort of made it feel like he was your uncle or older cousin or something, "I didn't really look.  I mean, not that much.  Just a little."

And now you were looking around the plane, seeing if anyone was taking notice of the fact that he was sitting in totally the wrong section of the plane, with his arm around you, just spread out like he was totally comfortable. 

You kind of slipped away out from under his arm, running a hand over your face and leaning forward. "You should probably go back to your seat," you said, and you didn't even care that your voice sounded mostly like a stern librarian.   He just kind of laughed a little, "I'm not gonna tell anybody," he promised, "Though you really should, honestly.  It's super cute." He looked over his shoulder and you could only assume he was looking at Nolan, but you weren't going to dare look back there yourself.

"Okay," you kept your lips pressed in a firm line, "Bye now." You even waggled your fingers in a wave.

He laughed again, moving to the edge of the seat, "Just one more thing," he said, holding up his finger, "Stay safe, yeah? Don't forget to use protection." You were really glad he moved into the aisle while you were still deciding whether to hit him or shove him, because you were quite sure that doing to the talent was probably against the terms of your contract.

And, yet, just less than 90 minutes later you found yourself sitting in the parking lot, preparing to go up and fuck some of said talent. 

And you looked like you'd just gotten off a 6-hour flight.  Because you had.  You tried like hell to fix your hair in the visor mirror, because it was super staticy from sleeping in your hoodie.  And skin looked super dry.  Not to mention, you were pretty sure you were just wearing your most comfortable bra (which happened to be hella ugly and old) because you really didn't think about this when you'd gotten dressed for the flight. Comfortable yet classy had been your goal, and you'd only made sure to actually put your hoodie on over your blouse once you were actually on the flight.

You were trying to take an account of what was in your suitcase, thinking you could grab your make-up bag from the top, but wondering if you actually wanted to try and change your underwear in the car.  You climbed back, unzipping the suitcase where it laid on your backseat, rummaging through it with your ass in the air, legs over the center console, when you heard a knock against your window and turned to look at the source of the noise, a blush instantly taking over your cheeks.

[thornescratch]

I want to watch old Washington Capitals games but I don't know which. If you have any favourite games from the past, would you mind recommending some? It could be your favourite because they won, or they were hilarious while loosing, or even because something memorable or amusing happened at the game. I am asking you because you obviously have a lot of passion for this team, and also because you might have fellow Caps fan followers who might be willing to offer recs too. Thank you in advance!

Oh! This is a super fun question, so thank you. Hmm. This is hard because I know I’m going to write a ton and then remember “I LEFT OUT SUCH AND SUCH GAME” as soon as I hit post. So, yeah, if anyone’s reading this and wants to chime in with their favorite Caps games, please feel free!

And I’m not sure how you’re going to watch these games– hell, I’m not sure all the ones I’d recommend are available, but, I’ll try to be cognizant of that. So. That said. I should probably take this moment to note that if you want to have an actual convenient DVD, Amazon sells one of the 10 Greatest Capitals Games. You used to be able to buy it in the team store, but I haven’t seen it there in a couple years, so.

That particular DVD is very much geared to the Ovechkin era, which I don’t really see as a bad thing, but I don’t know you. And if you’re looking for much more of a deep dive into past Caps history, the DVD does include some of the most exciting and seminal games, but it’s much more current in general. I do get the mindset of people who have been around for this entire franchise and scoff at only focusing at 2005 on. I do get it! But the thing is, when you try to watch old games, you run into the fact they’re one, hard to find, two, generally of terrible video quality.

…Also the reviewer on Amazon who bitches because they think it should include the 4 OT Easter Epic should be soundly donkeypunched. Look, buddy, we all signed up for a disproportionate amount of disappointment as Caps fans, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be memorialized on a DVD. With that said, here are the games I love to rewatch or remember or I just think they’re neat. I’ll start with the DVD games because that’s convenient, and then go on with some other ones I like

Here’s what the DVD includes. All of these are good games to watch.

4/16/1988 - Dale Hunter scores the series’ winner in overtime as the Caps beat the Philadelphia Flyers 5-4 to win Game 7 of the Patrick Division semi-final. This was the one they used in that “History will” series of NHL commercials because we have so few good playoff highlights.

4/17/1996 - In the Eastern Conference quarter-final against the Pittsburgh Penguins, the team rallies from a three-goal deficit to win 6-4.

6/4/1998 - Joe Juneau scores the overtime winner in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference finals, and the Caps go onto their first (and only) Stanley Cup appearance.

10/5/2005 - Ovechkin’s first NHL game. He scores two goals, hits a dude so hard the glass pane falls out, and Caps beat Columbus Blue Jackets 3-2.

11/23/2007 - First Bruce Boudreau coaching game, an overtime win against Philadelphia. Ah, Bruce.

1/31/2008 - Ovechkin’s (first) four goal game against the Habs, where he broke his nose (again) and won the game in OT.

4/5/2008 - Caps win 3-1 against the Florida Panthers to gain their first playoff appearance in five years, after having to win 11 of 12 down the stretch and pushing to the last day.

4/11/2008 - Ovechkin’s first NHL playoff game, with him leading the team to a come-from-behind win over Philadelphia.

4/28/2009 - Russian legend Sergei Fedorov, in his first and last season with the Caps, provides the game-winning goal in Game 7 against the New York Rangers, leading the Caps to win 2-1 in the Eastern Conference quarterfinals. God, that goal. (Also, don’t look now, but that was a Game 7 the Caps won.)

5/4/2009 - The Ovechkin-Crosby dueling hat tricks playoff game with the Caps winning 4-3. (This was also where Crosby complained about hats being thrown on the ice. Like, there are many other reasons he’s never going to be on my Christmas card list, but this was him at some of his whiniest and pettiest, and when I think of reasons why I don’t care for the dude, this one tends to flash across my mind. Because I am also petty. EXCELSIOR.)

OTHER PLAYOFF GAMES.

HEY YES I KNOW EVERYONE MAKES FUN OF US ABOUT THE PLAYOFFS WELL HERE ARE SOME PLAYOFFS GAMES YOU CAN WATCH AND ENJOY.

4/20/2011 - Game four of the series with the New York Rangers. Yeah, yeah, the Caps have had their share of OT pain with the Rangers. But this comes from one of the shorter playoff series the Caps enjoyed in the Ovechkin era, and hey look, it’s a double OT WIN, which came about after the Caps had fallen behind 3-0 in the game, and then forced OT and won it on what was described as a “freaky sort of development play”. Marian Gaborik, in an attempt to clear the puck, accidentally yanked it away from Lundqvist and passed it directly to Jason Chimera, who promptly put it back in the net, and then skated the length of the ice in basically two seconds while his teammates tried to catch him for hugs. (Game 5 of that series was also pretty good because it’s one of the few times where the Caps were closing out a series and never looked worried during it. Just a nice solid win.)

4/25/2012 - Game Seven of the series with the Boston Bruins. Yeah, yeah, the Caps and Game 7′s. HERE’S ONE THAT WE ACTUALLY WON. This series was so fucking close and insane and it was the NHL playoff debut of a young Braden Holtby who came storming up from the AHL after both Tomas Vokoun and Michal Neuvirth went down to freak injury and went on to become the Bruins’s worst nightmare. (If you love Braden Holtby, you should remember that ex-Cap then-Panther Marco Sturm falling on Michal Neuvirth is what propelled Holtby into the playoffs out of necessity, and therefore most Caps fans probably owe him a drink.) And of course, this was the game of Joel Ward’s OT winner, with a helping of Mike Knuble’s gigantic ass in Tim Thomas’s face, (and I’m frankly still amazed the Caps didn’t get boned with a GI call on it), and man do I love me some Joel Ward.

4/27/2015 - Game Seven of the series with the Islanders. ANOTHER GOOD OUTCOME GAME SEVEN. This game seven on the other hand wasn’t as close (though every Caps fan was puckered and freaking during it) and the Caps were dominating. Joel Ward scored first for the Caps, and they outshot New York and were handling the Isles with ease, only to have everyone almost lose their shit when Holtby made a mistake and let Nielson tie. However, just as the Bruins series was Holtby’s debut party, the Isles series was Evgeny Kuznetsov’s Big Show. He scored with just over seven minutes left in the game on Halak, the goalie who’d tortured the Caps in 2010, and it was another successful Game 7 and series win. Since we don’t have a ton of those, enjoy it.

4/18/2016 - Game Three of the series with the Flyers. This was the, uh, Bracelet Game. But it was also a game where the Caps scored five goddamn powerplay goals to win 6-1 and took a 3-0 series lead for the first time in– well, ever. (At least in the seven game series era.) This is why it narrowly beats out Game Two, which had the Steve Mason “OH NO” goal given up to Jason Chimera.

4/19/2017 - I feel like I should include a Leafs playoff series game here from 2017 for completeness sake. Uh. Hmm. Let’s go with Game Four, since it had Tom Wilson saving a goal, then going down ice to score a goal, and was high-scoring, super-close, and barely squeaked away from going to OT.

OTHER REGULAR SEASON GAMES

1/1/2011, 1/1/2015 - Both Winter Classics. CAPS ARE UNDEFEATED IN OUTDOOR GAMES. Plus, they both serve as a good excuse to rewatch the HBO 24/7 and Epix Road to the Winter Classic specials.

2/7/2010 - Snowvechkin. Ovi had a hat trick against the Pens, the Caps had to come from behind, there was bizarre reffing, and Caps won. This was all the more impressive because DC was essentially under two feet of snow at this point and for the intrepid souls who basically walked into the city on foot to see the game, they got a real gem.

2/6/2011 - The Caps shut out the Pens 3-0 on Superbowl Sunday, but more dramatically, shaved ape on skates and career injury-causing cockmonger Matt Cooke tried to go knee on knee with Alex Ovechkin in the process and Nicklas Backstrom did his best to punch everliving shit out of him for doing it. It’s great seeing Backstrom get in Cooke’s face and throw hands afterthe shot on Ovechkin. If “ice in his veins and murder in his eyes” Backstrom is that visibly emotional,then somebody done done somebody wrong.

3/7/2011 - Holtby comes on in relief of Neuvirth in a game against the Bolts, when Neuvirth takes a shot off the mask and gets a sliver of metal in his eye. He held the Caps in it, and went on to help get the shootout win, 2-1. This was the very beginning of his career, and he’d go on to start the post-season against the Bruins and really blossom.

1/24/2012: Matty Perreault tricks the Bruins. This was an interesting game because it was one of the games Ovechkin was suspended for, after the NHL decided to make an example out of him and suspend him for a hit on Michalek but still require him to go to the ASG. Ovechkin not eager to play the NHL game of cookie-cutter villain / showdog to trot out and make money (boy, if you ever want to get an earful of rant, start me off on that particular suspension because I will not shut up about it, ever) and withdrew from the ASG. With Ovechkin out for suspension and Nicklas Backstrom concussed by noted shitstain Rene Bourque, and Mike Green also injured, it wasn’t looking good– until diminutive hero Matty P stepped up (and later got a shaving cream pie, courtesy of his proud captain who essentially rushed out of the press box in his suit and down to the ice to do it) to win the damn game with his hatty.

Fun fact with this game: Perreault somehow managed to high-stick Chara in the face during this game.Ponder that one for a minute. One might wonder how Perreault could even high-stick someone who routinely gets calls from Logan Airport to please move his head sothe planes can take off, without sneaking a ladder onto the ice or something.

2/24/2012 - Caps beat Habs 4-1. There’s an Ovechkin pretty goal in this one, but this real thing I remember is that Mike Green was itching to get back at Rene Bourque for concussing Backstrom, and boy did he. Green was playing Bourque because of the puck coming his waynear the net, but as soon as he saw the puck was past and out of danger, heturned his full attention to absolutely nailing Bourque and shoving him face-first into the goal-side. It was awesome.“Oh, did I fling you into the goal post? My bad, man.”

3/29/2012 - Matt Hendricks wins the shootout for Washington 3-2 and completely turns Tim Thomas inside out. At that point, you expected players like PKane or Datsyuk or Oshie to make beautiful, awe-inspiring SO moves.Matt Hendricks? Well, that’s a secret Caps fans knew and reveled in, and then welaughed at the other teams when they went, “Matt Hendricks, seriously? That’swho you're—oh, fuck. Fuck! fuuuuuuck! Where the fuck did that come from?!”

4/16/2013 - Ovechkin nearly tears Jay McClement’s head off for boarding Backstrom. This was a Caps 5-1 win over Toronto, and you’ve probably seen the clip in question. It was encouraging to see how much the team rushed to start a line brawl for Nicky’s sake. Backstrom, it should be noted, stood right back up and threw himself after the guy throwing himself at Ovi, so it went both ways.

12/10/2013 - I could describe all of Ovi’s four goal games, but this one against the Bolts, a 6-5 shootout win, was super dramatic and his first since 2008, a five year span. I’m just going to quote the RMNB recap of it: First, Mike Green committed a penalty and the Lightningscored. Then, Mike Green committed a penalty and the Lightning scored. Then, ina Shyamalany plot twist, Mike Green was on-ice when the Lightning scored. Holtbywas like, “Sick of you, Mike,” and he peaced out; Grubauer in. AlexOvechkin put the team on the board with an instant-score following a faceoff.Okay, buckle up. Here we go.

Troy Brouwer proved unable, so Nick Backstrom finished off the powerplay for him. Then, Alex Ovechkin happened. After Richard Panik earned a 5-minute major for boarding Karl Alzner, the Russian machine made Tampa pay. Twice. First, he laid up a cross-ice pass from Marcus Johansson, then he took a one-timer from Green to tie the game. Hats rained down. Another three-goal second period for the Washington Capitals.

Ondrej Palat put the Bolts back up in the third, taking advantage of some observational Capitals defense, but the Caps weren’t done. With the Caps net empty, Alex Ovechkin struck again, scoring his 4th goal of the night. HIS FOURTH FOARTH GOAL OF THE NIGHT.

12/13/2014 - Backstrom’s natural hat trick against the Lightning. He’s just so silky smooth.

10/23/2015 - Evgeny Kuznetsov’s hat trick and five point night against the Edmonton Oilers.

11/16/2016 - Nicklas Backstrom has another 5 five point night as the Caps skull the Penguins 7-1. Fun fact: At that point in time, Backstrom had had five five-point games, one more than Ovechkin, equaling Crosby, and one less than Malkin. And… no All Star Game appearances or Selkes, because the NHL is stupid.

If you want to know his other five point games up until then, they were:

11/16/2016 against Pittsburgh Penguins – 2 goals, 3 assists12/10/2013 against Tampa Bay Lightning – 1 goal, 4 assists02/04/2010 against New York Rangers – 1 goal, 4 assists12/05/2009 against Philadelphia Flyers – 1 goal, 4 assists11/15/2008 against New Jersey Devils – 1 goal, 4 assists

1/7/2017 - Backstrom’s 500th assist, on a TJ Oshie goal. It’s harder to pick out favorite Backstrom games because his game is so quiet and focused on operating in the shadows. Usually he’s having some kind of tremendous game that people focus on the dudes scoring the goals off the magical moves he’s making.

1/22/2017 - Ovechkin’s 1000th point. 35 seconds in, against the Pens. FUN FACT I WAS THERE FOR THIS ONE. I have a good friend from out of town who is a Pens fan (I’m as shocked as you), and for the past couple years she’s come to town from across the country when the Caps play the Pens, and my record with her was ABYSMAL. Until this game, I had never seen the Caps win in person at Verizon while she was there, but then this one happened, and she very kindly didn’t shove me over the ledge of the nosebleeds to my death, as she would have probably been in full rights to do after all the hooting and capering I was doing.

LOSSES? UH….

I don’t have a lot of recs for Caps losses because, well, I’m not a masochist. But if you must, I would recommend two particular ones first because the fights were bonkers.

11/21/1998 - Caps vs. Bruins. These is notable because of the goalie fight. Most notably, the one that’s been called “The Dance” between Byron Dafoe and Olie Kolzig, since– well, you’ll know it when you see it. The backstory is, Dafoe and Kolzig were close friends– best men at each other’s weddings, even. And when the Bruins and Caps threw down in their line brawl, Dafoe grabbed Dale Hunter (Dale Hunter having been just momentarily pried out from the dogpile and had just been separated from Ken Belanger) and Kolzig came down the ice to get in on the action. However, Kolzig decided to fight Ken Belanger (since the refs had turned around to deal with Dale Hunter) which was… uh, probably not a good idea.

Dafoe and Hunter had simultaneous “Ho-shit, son,” realizations, immediately stopped fighting each other, and flung themselves at Kolzig and Belanger respectively. Dafoe grabbed Kolzig and basically waltzed him away from Belanger before he could get his head smashed in, and Hunter went back to fighting Belanger. Kolzig and Dafoe pulled each other’s jerseys off while Kolzig seemed torn between trying to yell at Dafoe for yanking him out of the fight and laughing at his friend. Everyone on the ice got tossed and the Caps lost 5-4 in OT.

1/12/2010 - Caps vs. Bolts. You actually don’t really have to watch this whole game, which was a 7-4 loss. You just need to watch Steve Downie and Alex Ovechkin drop the gloves and prepare to fight, only to have Matt Bradley come streaking in at the last second and literally steal the fight out of Ovechkin’s hands. Dan Steinberg did a great write-up of it for the Sportsbog. It’‘s kind of hilarious because, well, Ovi and Downie were both completely taken by surprise. If you catch any of the later analyst clips, you can see Bradley watching Ovi and Downie yell at each in the box, keeping an eye on the unfolding events like a hawk, screaming urgently at Eric Fehr to get the hell off the ice so he can get on without getting the instigator, and then just making a direct beeline for the fight so he can get in front of Ovi and punch Downie in the face.

12/16/2014 - The never ending fucking shoot out with the Panthers. Ugh. I refuse to even google this to find highlights. WE WENT THROUGH THE ENTIRE GODDAMN ROSTER. EVEN BROOKS FUCKING ORPIK SCORED. ON A TRIPLE DEKE. I still refuse to believe the entire thing wasn’t a fever dream from the mind of Roberto Luongo while passed out on the can. It did at least give us the notable mic’d up quote of “Coach Korn has a pitched tent in the stands right now,” though.

WAIT IT’S BAD LUCK TO END ON A LOSS, LET’S END WITH SOME MORE WINS.

1/08/2016 - This game had everything I say, in my best breathy Stefon voice. A quick two goal lead for the Caps. Giving up three goals to fall behind. Nicklas Backstrom slamming in a loose puck with less than ten seconds left to tie it. OT madness. Nate Schmidt and his skate helping Holtby save an almost slam dunk Ranger goal off the faceoff in OT. Ovechkin grabbing the saved puck and going end to end to score in OT. Ovechkin falling on his face. Happy, huggy chaos by the Caps on Madison Square Garden ice. Ovi one away from 500 goals…

1/10/2016 - Ovechkin’s 500th. This might be my favorite game (for now…), not because it was a blowout win, not because Ovechkin actually had two in this game, one of which involved dangling Erik Karlsson’s pants off, but watching the team come to celebrate with him, seeing how much they loved him and were overjoyed for him and had actually planned it out in advance without his knowledge… that’s just something special. It was just a really, really good moment that very little can spoil for me, no matter what.

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 5 Extravapalooza

My 13-year-old nephew was visiting this weekend, and he decided he wanted to become an NFL fan. In his short time on Earth, he’s lived in England, Montana, Georgia, Guam, and Connecticut, so he doesn’t really have strong regional ties anywhere. My brother and I are New Englanders, and since they now live in Connecticut, the Patriots seemed like a logical choice. But, he wasn’t feeling it. He has a fascination with New York City, so I helpfully told him that NYC has TWO teams he could choose from. He was excited, and settled on the Jets. Years from now, when he’s bigger and stronger than me, he will stuff me in a garbage can for setting him down the path of New York Jets fandom, and I will totally deserve it.

BONUS LINK THAT I FOUND INTERESTING: Scoring is way up in the NFL so far in 2020, and this post on 538 tries to figure out both why that is, and which teams benefit the most from this high-scoring and aggressive environment.

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today. 

EARLY GAMES

Philadelphia Eagles at Pittsburgh Steelers (-7)

I saw a Smart Football Knower on Twitter saying that the Steelers defensive line leads the NFL in “pass rush win rate,�� and that Carson Wentz has been the worst QB in the league when under pressure. That seems less than ideal for Philly, and it’s good enough for me to lay the points here.

Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons (-2)

The Packers’ ruthless stomping of the Falcons this past Monday probably choked out any hope and crushed whatever will Atlanta had, and they’re doomed to spend the rest of the season listlessly playing out the string and losing to less-talented squads like Carolina....IS JUST WHAT ATLANTA WANTS YOU TO THINK! I’m not falling for it and neither should you.

Las Vegas Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs (-11.5)

Kill them, Patrick. Make them regret they were ever born. It’s crazy that as good as the Chiefs have been, it still feels like they haven’t played at their full planet-destroying potential for a whole game yet. Doing so this week against the hated Raiders would make me a happy man, all because the Raiders have had the audacity to ruin my picks more than any other team over the last couple of seasons. Well, it sure SEEMS like they have, anyway. I suppose I could actually go back and check to see if the numbers bear this out, but that seems like far more work than I’m willing to put in. It’s way easier just to hate them in blissful ignorance.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans (-5.5)

I’m happy for Texans fans finally being rid of Bill O’Brien, but this team still has issues and I’m gonna need to see drastically improved performance on the field before I raise them above “Trash” in my personal power rankings. Also:

Arizona Cardinals (-7) at New York Jets

The Jets had their own coronavirus scare yesterday when one of their players popped a positive test result. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, it turned out to be a false positive, so game on. Allow me to be the 1,000th person to make the joke that Adam Gase purposely tried to infect his team in order to get this game postponed, so that he may live to coach another week.

Los Angeles Rams (-7) at Washington Football Team

It’s COMPLETELY insane that Alex Smith is the #2 QB for Washington in this game. He has drop foot! His leg is made of paper mache!  Alex Smith entering the game to the deafening silence of a fanless stadium and immediately having his leg destroyed again would be the most Washington Football Team thing imaginable. 

Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens (-12.5)

Cincinnati’s 8-time Pro Bowl defensive tackle Geno Atkins will be making his season debut in this one, and that should be enough for the Bengals defense to contain Ravens QB Lamar Jackson. Hahahaha, just kidding. This pick is based purely on my potentially misguided faith in super cool new kid Joe Burrow and his ability to put up enough points in garbage time to hit an infuriating backdoor cover. 

LATE GAMES

Miami Dolphins at San Francisco 49ers (-8)

San Francisco is 2-2, they’ve had an absurdly easy schedule so far, and they’ve also been decimated by injuries. Tough to get a read on these fellas. I’m inclined to believe they’ll round into form and make a nice playoff run, but it might take a bit for them to get into rhythm as they reintegrate their returning players. I think the Dolphins are plenty frisky enough to make this a legit scrap.

Indianapolis Colts (PK) at Cleveland Browns

Is it just me or is Indy Phillip Rivers infinitely less charming than San Diego Phillip? I don’t even know why I feel this way, he’s the same loudmouthed redass as before, but the Colt version just seems so bland. Maybe it’s the missing lightning bolts on the helmet/uniform. Those really do add pizazz to everything. Like everyone else, I very much enjoyed the Browns deploying multiple gadget plays in their thrashing of Dallas, but I’m not sure it’s a good sign that they felt the need to bust out so many of them against a truly ghastly Cowboy defense. Baker Mayfield still wasn’t all that great in that game (19-30, 165 yds and 2 TDs), so it’s tough for me to say the Cleveland offense has actually turned any sort of corner, especially with the loss of Nick Chubb.

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-8.5)

I assumed this game was gonna be on FOX and I was excited at the prospect of Uber-Crotchety Troy Aikman making an appearance as he finally loses it completely and shits all over a poor Cowboys performance and the NFC East as a whole, but it turns out this is getting the CBS Romo/Nantz treatment. So, now I think we’re gonna get a hefty dose of Gigglin’ Tony as Dak throws for another 450 in a blowout win. Is this sound reasoning for making picks? Absolutely not.

SNF: Minnesota Vikings at Seattle Seahawks (-7)

Once again, the Seahawks find themselves in the game with the highest over/under for the week (56). Giddy up! Vikings QB Kurt Cousins finally showed faint signs of life last week in a win over Houston, and a meeting with Seattle’s worst-in-the-league secondary should fully unleash the dragon. Among a fantastic-looking rookie class of WRs, Minnesota’s Justin Jefferson is quietly emerging as the best of the bunch. GEAUX TIGUHS!

MNF (Early): Denver Broncos at New England Patriots (-8)

As of now, the Broncos and Pats are scheduled to kick off at 5:00 PM on Monday night, but this could obviously be derailed by another positive COVID-19 test result from New England (or Denver, I guess). There’s also a question as to whether or not Cam Newton will be allowed to start at QB for the Patriots. Since Cam’s infection has been asymptomatic, he’s allowed to resume playing either A) ten days after his initial positive test or B) five days after his initial test, but with two consecutive negative tests 24-hours apart. Cam tested positive on Oct. 2, and the game is set for Oct. 12. 

This game is off the board at sportsbooks right now, but Vegas Insider pulled that Pats -8 from somewhere, so fuck it I’ll take a crack at it. I’m picking the Broncos to cover based on my assumption that Cam will NOT play, because believe it or not emotionless cyborg Bill Belichick has been one of the more progressive coaches at any level of football in terms of taking COVID-19 seriously. Low bar to clear, but still. 

UPDATE: This game has now been postponed as another Patriot has tested positive for COVID-19.

MNF (Late): Los Angeles Chargers at New Orleans Saints (-8)

The Saints appear to be getting healthier, with WR Michael Thomas, TE Jared Cook, CB Marshon Lattimore, offensive linemen Andrus Peat and Ryan Ramczyk, defensive linemen Marcus Davenport and Trey Hendrickson, and safety Malcolm Jenkins all returning to practice, albeit in limited fashion. But, the Justin Herbert-led Chargers have lost their three games by a combined 15 points, and they’ve looked extremely feisty each week, including decent stretches where they were in control against both the mighty Chiefs and championship-contender Buccaneers. Eight points is too many, in my opinion. Have I mentioned that I love Justin Herbert? What a dreamboat.

Tuesday: Buffalo Bills (-6.5) at Tennessee Titans

Much like the Patriots/Broncos game, this game isn’t being offered at sportsbooks as of right now. But, in my relentless commitment to consequence-free handicapping with no discernible benefit to me personally, I’m gonna pick it using the Vegas Insider line provided. 

It’s a real shame the coronavirus has turned this game into such a redheaded stepchild, because it’s a seriously tasty matchup. The Bills are on track to welcome excellent CB Tre’Davious White back, which is great news for a defense that’s been much shittier than expected so far. Tennessee’s best WR A.J. Brown is still listed as Questionable with a knee injury after missing the Titans’ last game (Week 3), and on top of that WRs Corey Davis and Adam Humphries are question marks due to testing positive for COVID-19. Not great! But, the Titans do still have Derrick Henry and a great offensive line, and as I mentioned before the Bills D has been butt so far this season. I think the Titans will still be able to move the ball effectively and eat up clock even with their potentially depleted pass-catching corps. Dare I say we’re in for some SMASH-MOUTH FOOTBALL?! Somewhere, John Madden just used a marker to telestrate a Halfback Dive on the nearest wall. BOOM!

Now for some stupid jokes! Hey, how ‘bout this Titans team holding outlaw practices and keeping their in-house plague going? More like TENNESSEE TYPHOIDS, amiright? If this game is canceled due to another positive test by Tennessee, you can always get your football fix by watching the classic film Remdesivir the Titans!

*thanks to Gov. Mike Huckabeav for helping me with that last paragraph

UPDATE: Another member of the Titans organization has tested positive, and their facilities have been closed down once again. This game seems perilously close to being postponed/canceled. Son of a bitch.

Last Week’s Record: 4-7-2

Season Record: 30-25-4

[watchingthesuperbowl]

Notes taken during Super Bowl XXXV

PREGAME

This is a CBS broadcast.

Seems to be an extremely pro-Giants crowd. Where's this game being played? Looks like...Tampa? Yep, Tampa. I don't know whether it's NFC loyalty, or that half of Florida was born in New York.

Coin toss: Winning head coaches and MVPs from previous Super Bowls in Tampa. Tom Flores, Bill Parcells, Marcus Allen, Ottis Anderson.

Flores will toss the coin. Giants win the toss and will receive.

FIRST QUARTER

Decent enough kickoff return, out to the 21.

Phil Simms: Kerry Collins is extremely relaxed and confident despite facing this dominant Baltimore defense.

Goose looks ridiculous.

First play isn't a play at all. Encroachment on the defense. First and 5 now.

First real play is an incomplete pass. Collins fires it to his tight end, it bounces off the receiver into the air, and it's nearly picked.

Giants go three and out. Incomplete, run for zero yards, incomplete.

Trent Dilfer quarterbacked this Ravens team to 10 straight wins? Goodness, that must've been a hell of a defense.

Anyway, the Ravens take over on their own 37.

Jason Sehorn looks like he’s 12.

Ravens three and out. Dilfer looking like Dilfer.

Giants three and out again. They punt on fourth and 8.

Simms: "We can expect a lot of three-and-outs today." Great. Stay tuned.

2nd and 11, Trent Dilfer badly misses a WIDE open Jamal Lewis on a swing pass because Trent Dilfer. Lewis might still be running if he had caught that ball.

Ravens go three and out. Again. Dilfer just misses Patrick Johnson in the end zone.

First down, Kerry Collins throws into traffic at his own three yard line, which...hey, man, good luck with that. He got lucky, it was only incomplete.

And we have a first down! Collins rolls right and hits Ike Hilliard coming across the field.

Giants punt, the fifth punt in the first eight minutes and change of the game. Great return from Jermaine Lewis to the Giants' 22. There's flag on the play. Holding on the return team. It's coming back. Ravens start at the Giants' 41.

Finally, we have some offense. Trent Dilfer throws deep down the seam to Brandon Stokley. Perfect throw hits him in stride. Touchdown. 7-0 Baltimore.

Simms: The Giants blew coverage on that play - could tell by DB Jason Sehorn's reaction after the score.

CBS graphic: This is the first time the Giants have trailed all postseason.

Oh, hey, it's another three and out. Giants will punt again. They've done absolutely nothing offensively today.

Punt returner Jermaine Lewis drops the ball. Hit him right in the hands. It rolls 10-12 yards backwards, but the Ravens recover.

Goodness. Dilfer misses another open receiver, this time on third down. Simms: "I was going to say Trent Dilfer is really throwing the football very well down here so far in this game, but that time, Brandon Stokley...wide open, nobody has him, and Trent Dilfer waits too long to deliver the football."

Dilfer is now 2-for-7, which makes him the most successful offensive player in this game.

Ravens to punt again. Nice return from Ike Hilliard, out near the Giants' 40. O.J. Brigance on the tackle. Brigance was a heck of a player in the CFL.

First down, Collins takes a shot downfield, but barely misses an open Ike Hilliard.

Oh, hey, it's another three and out. Giants will punt again. Again. Again and again. This is Brad Maynard's fifth punt IN THE FIRST QUARTER.

First down, Dilfer goes deep to a wide open Patrick Johnson. And misses. Because Trent Dilfer. Johnson was so open he could have crawled into the end zone.

Third down, Dilfer misses an open receiver. Because Trent Dilfer. Three and out.

First quarter thankfully ends as the Giants look close to punting for the sixth time. 7-0 Ravens.

SECOND QUARTER

Yep, here comes punt number six. The Giants go three and out for the fifth time in the first half. One first down, five threes-and-out, six punts.

Sideline reporter Bonnie Bernstein: Collins is very calm, not rattled at all with the dominance of the Baltimore defense.

Holy crap, someone got a first down. Dilfer to Johnson for eight yards on 3rd and 7. There were two total first downs in the first quarter - now there have been 3 in the game.

Yeah, well, that burst of offense didn't last long. Michael Strahan sacks Dilfer on third and long. Baltimore will punt. Again.

Next possession, New York gets two first downs via defensive penalties. They're moving downfield simply on the basis of these penalties. Baltimore has committed 5 penalties already today.

Giants run a double-reverse flea flicker, which seems a bit insane against a defense with this kind of speed. Incomplete pass.

Next play, Collins throws a pick. Ray Lewis tips it, Jamie Sharper grabs it. Ravens ball. I guess the good news is that the Giants didn't punt this time?

First play of the ensuing Ravens drive, Trent Dilfer throws it directly to linebacker Jessie Armstead, who goes unchallenged for a pick six. What an awful throw. There's a flag on the play, let's see what it is.

Defensive holding. The touchdown is wiped away. That was a mindblowingly bad throw and Dilfer was lucky there was a penalty. I can't even fathom what the heck that throw was. Words can't do it justice.

The Ravens will punt after a couple incomplete passes. Simms says if the Giants keep hitting Dilfer on every throw, he'll make a mistake. I say he'll make them anyway.

Giants gain 20 on a pass from Collins to Toomer. Their offense hasn't done much, but you can see they have the ability to move downfield. Collins has been okay when he has time to throw. Which is almost never.

Another first down for New York. Quick slant, Collins to Hilliard, down to the Baltimore 45. This is the Giants' first trip into Baltimore territory.

Giants yards on this drive: 47. Yards in every other Giants drive combined: 28.

The drive stalls after a second down sack. They'll punt from the Baltimore 42. This is Maynard's seventh punt of the half.

Third down on the Ravens' next drive, Dilfer goes deep down the sideline to Qadry Ismail. 44 yards. Simms can't understand why the Giants' defense is taking chances and not just forcing Dilfer to complete a bunch of short passes to move downfield. The implication is that Dilfer isn't very good, which...yeah, absolutely. I had the same thought.

Dilfer: 6-16, 102 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT.

There's a fight on the sideline after a third down play. Greg Gumbel doesn't think anyone threw any punches, that it was just a "loud disagreement".

Ravens will attempt a 47 yard field goal, a distance which I don't particularly care for in Tampa-based Super Bowls. He got it. 10-0 Baltimore. I don't want to talk about it. I'm salty.

Giants putting together a nice two-minute drive as halftime approaches. A heck of a draw play to Tiki Barber gets inside the Baltimore 30.

And...one play later, Collins forces a throw into double coverage. He threw it up for grabs and he got picked off. The only way that's not an interception is if the Baltimore defenders unintentionally knock it away from each other.

CBS graphic: Giants have trailed at the half of both of their previous Super Bowls. They're 2-0 in those games.

First half thankfully comes to a close. 10-0 Baltimore. That was some dull, uninteresting football.

THIRD QUARTER

Ravens receive opening kickoff. Great return from Lewis, out to the Baltimore 46. It's coming back, though. Holding, receiving team, on the runback.

Baltimore doesn't do much with the ball, and Michael Strahan and Cornelius Griffin converge on quarterback Trent Dilfer on third and long. It's a sack and the Ravens will punt. Again.

Sideline reporter Armen Keteyian: Dilfer's hand seems to have been injured on the sack, they're icing it, taking him to the locker room, and Tony Banks is warming up to replace him.

Dilfer walks to the locker room, messing with his left hand, trying to figure out what's up.

Simms: I don't mean to sound callous, but that's his left hand. He can still throw with his right hand.

Gumbel: They'll x-ray Dilfer's left pinky.

First down, Baltimore defensive lineman Michael McCrary is doubleteamed, falls over, and just crawls over to Kerry Collins to sack him. Next play, 2nd and 18, Collins is a bit off target and finds defensive back Kim Herring instead of receiver Ike Hilliard. Baltimore takes over in New York territory.

Tony Banks is in at quarterback for the Ravens. This is good for Baltimore because he isn't Trent Dilfer.

Ravens gain a few yards and set up an easier field goal attempt for Matt Stover. Nope. Wide left.

Keteyian: It's Dilfer's left ring and pinky fingers. Doesn't seem to be as serious as it looks.

Second down, Collins goes downfield to Hilliard, who's immediately hit. There's discussion - is this a fumble? It is not. It's an incomplete pass. Giants go three and out. Sixth time tonight.

This Giants punt is the 15th total punt of the game, tying the all-time Super Bowl record. And it's still the third quarter.

Dilfer back in the game as the Ravens take over. And...he misses an open Shannon Sharpe deep down the middle. Yep, Dilfer's fine. Simms describes it as a perfect throw, which...really, Phil?

Simms: When you have a lead like the Ravens have, the long pass is the safest pass. You run into trouble throwing underneath and short. When you throw it deep, it's harder to intercept.

Ravens go three and out. You like punts? You're in the right place. Here comes the 16th punt of the day. AND IT'S STILL THE THIRD QUARTER

First play of the Giants' drive, Kerry Collins throws a slant and cornerback Duane Starks knows what's coming. He jumps the route and is GONE. Touchdown. 17-0 Baltimore.

Collins has thrown four interceptions, tied for the single game Super Bowl record.

Well, it's not going to be a shutout. The Giants' Ron Dixon takes the ensuing kickoff 97 yards. Dixon takes it to the house. They're still sort of alive. 17-7 Baltimore, late in the third quarter.

Gumbel: We have seen two touchdowns in 18 seconds. These 18 seconds have been higher scoring than the previous 40+ minutes.

Giants kick off to Jermaine Lewis and...he's gone too. Lewis down the sideline. He answers a kickoff return touchdown with a kickoff return touchdown. This is bananas. Back to back kickoff return TDs. 24-7 Baltimore with 3:13 left in the third quarter. An 84 yard kickoff return touchdown from Lewis.

There have been 3 touchdowns in the past 36 seconds.

There won't be three touchdown returns in a row. Ron Dixon only gets out to his 25.

2nd and 11, Collins over the middle. Very nearly picked off by Ray Lewis. It'll be third and 11. Incomplete pass. Another three and out.

Third quarter ends as the Ravens have the ball near midfield. 24-7.

FOURTH QUARTER

First play of the quarter, they run a Wildcat play. Jermaine Lewis takes a shotgun snap, Trent Dilfer lines up as a wide receiver. It doesn't work. Simms acts as if it's the dumbest thing he's ever seen. Ravens will punt.

Giants start inside their own 15 for the fifth time today.

Collins sacked in his end zone, the ball goes flying out, and the Giants recover in the field of play. Could easily have been a Ravens touchdown or a safety. The sack was by McCrary, who's now playing with a broken hand. New York goes...you guessed it, three and out. They'll punt from their own end zone.

The punt takes a goofy bounce and somehow misses a Raven who's fallen over. Giants pounce on it thinking they get possession. they do not. First and 10 Ravens at the New York 38.

Ravens throwing downfield. Dilfer to Ben Coates down the seam for 17 yards. First down at the Giants 21.

Baltimore feeding Jamal Lewis now. Giants can't really stop him. First and goal inside the 5.

Next play, pitch left, Lewis barely gets to the pylon for a touchdown. The Giants challenge the call, saying he fumbled before he got to the end zone. We'll see. Replay seems to show Lewis got to the line...barely. The call stands, touchdown. 31-7 Baltimore. That's the first rushing touchdown by a rookie in the Super Bowl in 13 years. Doing the math, than means....Timmy Smith! Super Bowl XXII.

Dixon fumbles on the ensuing kickoff return. He's popped and it comes loose. Ravens recover. 8:29 on the clock, I'd assume we're about to see a bunch of Jamal Lewis.

We do. Lewis goes over 100 yards as the clock goes under 7:00.

Simms: Who would you vote for as the MVP? Gumbel: Dilfer. Me: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE WATCHING?!?

Ravens drive stalls and they kick a field goal with 5:28 left. 34-7.

Gumbel begins to say nice stuff about Ray Lewis, that Lewis says he was prosecuted because he's famous. I say he was prosecuted because he destroyed evidence pertinent to a murder investigation. Gumbel says at some point, Lewis will contact the families of the victims. I'd tell him to go F himself if I were one a member of one of those families.

Simms: Giants have ten yards of offense in the second half. Ten. They've gone three and out again and will punt again.

Banks in at QB again for Baltimore, replacing "MVP" Trent Dilfer.

Cutaway. Art Modell. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

We reach the two-minute warning. Ravens punt. Everyone's just going through the motions.

Simms: At least the Giants can't say they deserved to win. It won't hurt as badly.

Collins nearly picked off again. Tipped ball over the middle.

Gumbel: Ravens coach Brian Billick and Giants coach Jim Fassel are close friends.

Ray Lewis is named the MVP, which is entirely reasonable.

Clock runs out as the Giants halfheartedly try to move downfield. Final score: Baltimore 34, New York 7. That game was hot garbage.

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #192 - Robin Hood: Men in Tights

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Oh yes

Did I like it then: It’s grown on me.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: No.

Format: DVD (although we watched my brother’s blu-ray copy)

1) Watching this film is a tradition to do on my brother’s birthday (which was in August but I’m behind on my rewatch posts). We’ve been doing it for 9 years (give or take a year) and it kinda grows on you.

2) I’m a sucker for 4th wall breaks in movies, so the numerous ones in this film are appreciated.

3) Honestly, the rapping which bookends the film feels like a misguided attempt by Mel Brooks to make the film “hip”. It just doesn’t really work and doesn’t feel like it belongs in a Mel Brooks bit.

4) There are actually quite a few clever gags in this film. A lot of them come from the very first scene in Jerusalem’s prison with Robin and Falafel.

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

5) Cary Elwes as Robin Hood.

Elwes was cast in The Princess Bride back in 1987 because of his “Errol Flynn” like quality. Now he plays a role which is one of Flynn’s most iconic. He commits to the part in the grandest of Mel Brooks’ tradition, as set before by Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein and Bill Pullman in Spaceballs. Elwes’ Robin is wonderfully buffoonish and ridiculous, with most of the humor coming from his lack of self awareness. It would be easy for an insecure actor to give a wink to the audience that lets them know he’s aware they’re stupid, but Elwes isn’t afraid of appearing idiotic. He embraces it. Robin should come across as an idiot. That’s the gag!

6) I relate to Achoo so much.

Robin [while going into a fight]: “Watch my back!”

[Robin gets hit in the back twice.]

Achoo: “You’re back just got hit twice.”

Robin: “Thank you.”

7) Dave Chapelle as Achoo.

Chapelle’s ability to play the straight man in this film is absolutely amazing. A legendary comic, Chapelle basically represents the audience. I mentioned that Robin is blissfully unaware of the foolishness in his life, but Achoo is hysterically aware of it. He’s observations are comedically wonderful and just all around inspired. Chapelle is a wonderful addition to the cast.

8) Blinkin, the blind butler.

The film is able to take an absurd concept that was taken so seriously in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and take it to its naturally funny punchline. While many of Blinkin’s jokes may fall flat, his overall presence is appreciated and does lend to some nice comedy all around.

9) Robin losing everything he loved shouldn’t this funny.

(Screenshot taken of a GIF set originally made by @thorinss)

10) I despise the Home Alone “joke” this film makes. It is the first in a long line which shows that just because you make a pop culture reference doesn’t mean you’re being funny.

11) Roger Rees as the Sheriff of Rottingham

Roger Rees is the definite scene stealer of the show, outshining even Dave Chapelle’s Achoo. He is able to take ownership of every moment he’s in by playing the Sheriff as a bigger idiot than even Robin to a wonderfully hysterical degree. I got a chance to see Rees on stage before his passing (when he played Gomez Addams in The Addams Family) and I could see from that his comedic talent was not only limited to his work with Mel Brooks. All in all, for me, Roger Rees will always be my favorite performance in the film.

12) Amy Yasbeck as Marion.

Yasbeck - like Elwes - commits to the silliness of Marion. Although more of a spoof than a character at times, it’s a damn good spoof. By taking aim at old school “fair maiden” tropes and sort of the humorous daintiness of that, Yasbeck is able to hold her own against Elwes and the insanity of a Brooks’ movie.

13) Richard Lewis as Prince John.

If the Sheriff of Rottingham is the evil version of Elwes’ Robin (in his embracing of the character’s foolishness) then Roger Lewis is the evil version of Achoo. He plays it modern, very aware of kind of the idiocy around him, and casual to the point of funny. He has the ridiculously strong chemistry with Roger Rees which makes all their scenes a treat and all in all totally fun.

14) Tracy Ullman as the witch/cook Prince John goes to in times of need and she’s fine enough in the part. It’s not exactly a fountain of character writing but she’s funny enough and works with the part well.

Prince John [after Latrine says her family changed the name when they came to England]: “You changed it TO Latrine?”

Latrine: “Yeah. Used to be shit house!”

Prince John [after nodding]: “Good change!”

14.1) Also, Latrine promises to make a magic potion that’ll make Robin worthless if Prince John puts in a good word for her with Rottingham. He agrees and then…it never comes up again. At all. It’s like the scene never happened. And I’m just like…

15) Hey, that’s Erik Allan Kramer!

16) The bow staff fight between Robin and Little John is actually pretty clever, primarily because of just how funnily it deteriorates into a slapping game.

17) Remember what I mentioned in note #10? Well, we get these two “jokes” back to back.

Will Scarlett: “My full name is Will Scarlett O’Hara. We’re from Georgia.”

Achoo [after Robin fails to jump on his horse]: “Man, white men can’t jump.”

Repeat after me: making a pop culture reference is not the same as making a joke.

18) However, this is pretty funny.

According to IMDb:

The gag about Robin being able to speak with an English accent is a reference to Kevin Costner's performance in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991). Unfortunately viewers who saw both movies in a dubbed version couldn't get this gag. For the German dubbed version the gag was changed to: "because I - unlike some other Robin Hood - do not cost the producers 5 million". The German word "kosten" (cost) was also pronounced to sound a little bit like Costner. In the French (France) and Italian (Italy) dubbed versions, it is translated as, "Because unlike other Robin Hoods, I do not dance with the wolves", referring to another Kevin Costner movie Dances with Wolves (1990). In Quebec, the translation becomes "Because unlike other Robin Hoods, I accept to wear tights," which refers to the fact that Costner didn't wear tights in the 1991 movie. In the Hungarian version, he says "Because unlike Kevin Costner, I have a shapely bottom," a reference to the infamous fact that Costner used a body double in the nude scene.

19) The castle fight has a number of clever bits but some could’ve been cut in support of pacing. The scene as a whole drags at times and can come across as dull instead of fun like it should be. Tightening it up may have helped.

20) If only for Dave Chapelle’s Malcolm X impression, this is my favorite scene in the entire film.

I also love the juxtaposition between Robin’s Churchill and (again) Chapelle’s X. It just really works for me.

21) Hey…isn’t that David DeLuise? The dad from “Wizards of Waverly Place?”

22) Ah, the obligatory Mel Brooks cameo.

23) Dom DeLuise as Don Giovani.

Robin Hood: Men in Tights - Don Giovanni - watch more funny videos

Okay, I lied. THIS is my favorite scene in the entire film. DeLuise is absolutely hysterical and why the scene may be a bit too long, I just don’t care. He’s so fucking funny! His Brando impression is a gift from above and I’ve got a feeling most of his shit was improvised. It’s just…it speaks largely to the talent of Dom DeLuise. I love it.

24) This is probably the best Blinkin gag in the film.

[Blinkin falls from a tree, dusts himself off, then starts to look around.]

Blinkin: “I can see!”

[Blinkin walks right into a tree then takes a step back.]

Blinkin: “Nope. I was wrong.”

25) The “Men in Tights” song is a much better fit for this film than the rap. It feels organic to the kind of comedy the film embraces and is just pretty fun.

26) “The Night is Young” is similarly organic and a better fit than the wrap, but it probably shouldn’t have been put back-to-back with the previous song. We need a little variety.

27) I love this.

(GIFs originally posted by @summercountess)

I love that the filmmakers aren’t even trying to explain why he gets another shot. It’s just, “It’s in the script.” I mentioned I’m a sucker for fourth wall breaks and this one takes the cake for me!

28) There are a lot of gags in this movie which were funnier in other Mel Brooks films.

Prince John’s, “I have a mole?” vs Igor’s, “What hump?” from Young Frankenstein.

“Walk this way!” in this film vs Young Frankenstein.

The hangman in this film vs Blazing Saddles.

etc.

29) The fight scene is actually what the castle fight should’ve been more like. The swashbuckling action is fun and mixed well with gags and slapstick humor.

Rottingham: “En guard!”

Robin: “Thanks for the warning!”

Also they run into a crew member on his break, which continues my love for 4th wall breaks.

30) And a wild Patrick Stewart appears!

He has a Scottish accent because Sean Connery made a similarly random cameo at the end of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves with his natural accent. It’s kinda weird and doesn’t add much but who cares, it’s Patrick Stewart!

While there are other funnier Mel Brooks movies out there and better Robin Hood films out there, Robin Hood: Men in Tights does exactly what it is supposed to do: it gives you a 100 minute distraction with silly comedy and fun performances that can act as a break from your day. Cary Elwes is a delight as Robin, with Roger Rees, Richard Lewis, Dave Chapelle, and Amy Yasbeck all showing off their comedic chops. It’s just fun. Occasionally stupid, yes. Some of the jokes do fall painfully flat (like that Home Alone gag), but by the end of the film you’ll probably have gotten in a few chuckles and feel like it’s time well spent. It’s just silly Mel Brooks fun.

[petitrangement]

Hey, I'm not going to womansplain feminism to the readers of Esquire! That's not happening on my watch! You're sophisticated, 21st century men with a copy of the El Bulli cookbook, a timeless pair of investment brogues and a couple of Joni Mitchell albums — for when you want to sit in your leather armchair, and have a little, noble, necessary man-cry.

You don't need me lecturing you — because you're not hanging out the back of a bus shouting "CLUNGE!" at a bunch of terrified 15-year-old girls. You've got sisters, mothers, lovers — female friends and colleagues — and you've never once gone up to any of them shouting, "Blimey! You don't get many of those to the pahnd!" while honking on their breasts, in the manner of Sid James. You're down with the sisterhood. You've got eyes. You know what's going on out there. You've noted that while society's happy for a famous man to age, and become distinguished, and generally wander around looking like a fucking wizard, the women generally still seem to be 20 years younger, and standing there on the cover of magazines, all like, "Oh! My clothes… they fell off!" EVEN IF IT'S DAME JUDI DENCH.

You know the pay disparity; still 20 per cent less for women in this country, and not a single prosecution, even though it's literally illegal. You know babies come out of vaginas and it fucking stings, and that the vaginas are having a hard time anyway, what with all the waxing they get. (That's £20 a pop, my friend. Every single month. Just to feel normal. It's basically VAT on your minge. Imagine if you had to get your bum-hole stripped every 30 days — lest the mean girls at school corner you on the bus home and go, "I've heard you're like Catweazle down there. Someone who fingered you said it was like diddling a Gonk. Ugh.")

You've seen Amy Schumer's brilliant, edgy sketches on contraception and rape, and laughed along with them. You've called Donald Trump "a twat" for his sexist comments about a female news anchor being on her period. You've watched the whole Caitlyn Jenner trans thing unfold and gone, "You know what — this all seems fair enough. I am down with the trans thing."

So, no. I'm not going to womansplain feminism to you. It's the 21st century and you are, most assuredly, not a dick. You like women being equal to men — which is all that feminism means. Not all the penises being burned in a Penis Bonfire. Just women being equal to men. You are like my friend John, when he talks about dating alpha-women: "Feel intimidated by them? Christ, no. Dating and marrying powerful women is like big game hunting. I fuck tigers and panthers. Not… chihuahuas."

No. You get feminism. You don't need Tits McGee here to take you through it one more time. So, what I am going to do, instead, is tell you 12 things about women that women are usually too embarrassed to tell you themselves. Because I am a chronic over-sharer, and incapable of keeping secrets. I'm like that other Deep Throat. The chatty Watergate one. That's the Deep Throat I am.

1. No mumbling

Like you, we feel a bit embarrassed about saying the word "feminism". It's the same as when you say the word "environment". They both have that slight implication of, "I'm now going to launch into a speech that's basically about what a great person I am".

Unfortunately, in both cases, the entire future of the world does rest on people being able to say those words properly, and not mumbling "femernism", or "envibeoment".

You just have to shut yourself in a cupboard and say them over and over again — "FEMINISM! ENVIRONMENT! FEMINISM! ENVIRONMENT!" — until they feel as normal as saying "pina colada", or "Michael Fassbender". Which are both, when you think about it, much odder-sounding.

2. 'The Man'

So, when women talk about "The Man", we're not talking about you. You're just a man. You're not The Man. Similarly, when we talk about the patriarchy, that's not you, either. You're not the patriarchy. You're just… Patrick. When we're doing those "MEN!" chats, we're just identifying the general locus of the problem, ie, most of the power and influence being held by a small amount of men.

Because remember that patriarchy's bumming you as hard as it's bumming us. We're bulimic, objectified and under-promoted. You, meanwhile, are unable to talk about your feelings lest you get punched in the nuts by "a lad" telling you not to be "a bender". You are unlikely to get custody of your kids, and are three times more likely to commit suicide. Feminism's about sorting all this stuff out. Because it's about equality. Not burning the penises. I can't emphasise enough how much it's not about burning penises. No burnt penises here.

3. Periods

We're still pretty traumatised about our periods, even though we're now 40. Being a woman doesn't make "being a woman" any easier. All that womb-shit is nuts. It's like having an exploding, insane blood-bag of pain up in your business end — nothing really prepares you for when it all kicks off. One day, you're just a kid on your bike. The next, you're suddenly having to wedge a tiny Barbie mattress in your knickers, crying while you watch Bergerac, and eating Nurofen Plus like they're Tic Tacs.

Men, imagine if, some time around your 12th birthday, some manner of viscous liquid — let's say gravy — suddenly appeared in your pants, in the middle of a maths lesson. And then it turned up every month for the next 30 years. You'd be all like "NO!" and "WTF?!?!" and "SRSLY??? THIS????" That's what we're like, too. We're not wise, or in touch with nature, or down with it. We're just people with a whole load more laundry issues than you. Have you ever tried to scrub blood out of a Premier Inn sheet at 6am, using just travel shampoo and your toothbrush? It's one of the defining aspects of being a woman.

4. Abortion

Likewise, imagine accidentally getting pregnant at 16, then having to run past a barrage of anti-abortion protestors outside your local clinic, all holding up pictures of dead foetuses. We're not dealing with this in a special, noble lady-way. We're like, "THIS IS ALREADY A REALLY, REALLY SHIT DAY. I PRESUME YOUR CONCERN FOR THE WELFARE OF CHILDREN EXTENDS INTO A LIFE SPENT VOLUNTEERING IN CARE HOMES, FOSTERING AND DONATING YOUR WAGES TO THE NSPCC — AND DOESN'T SOLELY REST ON HARASSING AND ABUSING TEARFUL, POSSIBLY RAPED WOMEN WHO ARE TRYING TO GET A SAFE, LEGAL MEDICAL PROCEDURE SO THEY DON'T FUCK UP THE REST OF THEIR LIVES."

Here's another thing we're too embarrassed to say: we'd love it if a big bunch of pro-choice men turned up at these clinics, and helped escort the scared women in. That would be some top bro solidarity.

5. Talking

In the last year or so, we saw this study, from America, and it broke our hearts a bit, because it explains so much: in a mixed-gender group, when women talk 25 per cent of the time or less, it's seen as being "equally balanced". And if women talk 25–50 per cent of the time, they're seen as "dominating the conversation".

And we remembered all the times on social media, or in conversations, an angry man has said, "Women are WINNING now. Women are EVERYWHERE. It is MEN who are being silenced", and it all made sense.

6. Fear

We're scared. We don't want to mention it, because it's kind of a bummer, chat-wise, and we'd really like to talk about stuff that makes us happy, like look at our daughters — and we can't help but think, "Which one of us? And when?" We walk down the street at night with our keys clutched between our fingers, as a weapon. We move in packs — because it's safer. We talk to each other for hours on the phone — to share knowledge. But we don't want to go on about it to you, because that would be morbid. We just feel anxious. We're scared. Given the figures, we can't sometimes help but feel we're just… waiting for the bad thing to come. Because that would be a realistic thing to think, and we like to be prepared. Awfully, horribly, fearfully prepared.

7. Tired

We're tired. So, so tired. From the moment we grew our tits, we've been cat-called in the street; commented on by relatives ("Ooooh, she's big-boned"; "Well, you'll be a heart-breaker") as if we weren't standing there in front of them, hearing all this. We've seen our biggest female role-models and icons shamed in the press, over and over: computers hacked and nude pictures released; sex-tapes released. So we know even success, and money, will not protect us from the humiliation of simply being a woman. We know we must have our babies when we're young — the eggs are running out! — but we must also work for less money, as discussed above. So that makes us tired.

This is why, maybe, women can become suddenly furious — why online discussions about feminism suddenly ignite into rage. Tired, scared people are apt to lash out. Anger is just fear, brought to the boil.

8. Wanking

We masturbate as much as you do. One of the few times I have been personally offended was when Martin Amis commented on a column I wrote about female masturbation. "Christ," Amis said, "that's sort of lad's mag talk — sort of more male than male."

Obviously, I am noble enough to recognise that Amis is from an older generation — one whose women, by and large, did not feel comfortable discussing their sexuality in any great detail. But it does seem amazing that a clever, well-travelled man, whose job it is to examine the human condition, and who had a pretty steamy relationship with Germaine Greer at one point, has never realised that women can be just as driven by their desire as men.

I'm gonna be honest with you — for the first five years of my adult life, most of my decisions were made by the contents of my pants. My vagina was — by way of Audrey II in Little Shop Of Horrors — constantly shouting "Feed me!", and breaking into musical numbers when I was trying to listen to my brain instead. If I had not discovered masturbation, I would have spent the majority of my time sitting on shed roofs, like a cat on heat, yowling at the moon. If a young woman isn't to go mad, then masturbation is a needful hobby, as vital as going on long country walks, to get a bit of air in your lungs, and pursuing the revolution. And what a hobby it is! It doesn't cost anything, it doesn't make you fat, you can knock it off in five minutes flat if you think about Han Solo, or some monkeys "doing it" on an Attenborough documentary, and it means you can face the world with a kind of stoned, post-coital cheerfulness that would otherwise require Valium, or constant spa-breaks.

There's a reason why God designed our bodies so that, when we lie down in bed, our hands naturally come to rest on our genitals. It's the Lord's way of saying, "Go on, have a fiddle. Find out how you work. And then, when you go out into the world, you won't be waiting for some bloke to come along and have sex on you. You'll be in the sex, too. It'll be like this… joint endeavour? A thing you can do together? That was kind of how I planned it all along, TBH. So, my Eleventh Commandment is 'Thou Shalt Buff Your Fnuh.' That's official. Signed, God."

9. Clothes

You know when we stand in front of a full wardrobe and say, "I don't have anything to wear!"? Obviously we have things to wear. You can see all the shit from where you are standing, fully dressed, ready to leave the house. What we mean is, "I don't have anything to wear for who I need to be today." What women wear is incredibly important and not just because we live in a society with a $1.5 trillion fashion-industry, and spend most of our spare time looking at cut-price Marc Jacobs handbags on theoutnet.com.

As we are the half of the world that still doesn't get to say as much as men (see stats earlier), how we look works by way of our opening paragraph in any social setting. Think of all the different kinds of looks women can have, depending on their clothes, hair and make-up: "Slutty". "Ball-busting". "Mumsy". "Manic Pixie Dream Girl". "Gym-bunny". "Mutton". "Nerdy". "Unfuckable".

Now think of all the ways men can dress. It's basically "some trousers". Ninety per cent of what men wear is "some trousers". You're just getting up in the morning, putting on your trousers and getting on with stuff.

And we fret about all this — appearance, clothes — because it matters. If we're still getting talked-over at meetings, is it because we're not dressing powerfully enough? If we're getting sexually harassed, is it because we're wearing the wrong skirt? In 2008, a rape case was overturned because the judge decided the alleged victim must have consented to sex, because her jeans were "too tight" for the accused to remove on his own. This is what we're thinking about, when we stand in front of the wardrobe. Will this outfit define the rest of today? Will it, if I am very unlucky, affect my life? Is this going to be the subject of a court-case? Could I run for my life in these shoes? Do I have anything for who I need to be today?

10. Male feminists

We're embarrassed when other women say, "Men can't be feminists!" We don't want to get into an argument, but we just can't see the logic in it. Feminism can only work if men are feminists, too — because the only indice by which feminism will succeed is based on how many people believe in it, support it, and want it to happen. By definition, it has to be a populist movement. There's no point in only 27 per cent of people believing in equality because the maths, very obviously, show that you won't be equal if 73 per cent of people think you're not. You can't go and… hide the feminism in a special secret place, and only let certain people have access to it. Besides, as discussed above, men need feminism almost as badly as women do. So, lady-balls to "men can't be feminists". We disbelieve that. In our vaginas.

11. Carbs

Our ultimate aim, when it comes to men, is to find an amusing mate we can have sex with, then sit on the sofa with, watching re-runs of Seinfeld and eating a baked potato. Discount all that Christian Grey/abs of steel/"bad boy" shit. Our priorities are: 1) Kindness; 2) Jokes; 3) High tolerance of carbs.

12. Trainers

It actually was us that threw those horrible old trainers of yours away. That story about how a time-portal opened up, and they were stolen away by your own teenaged self? That was a lie.

Caitlin Moran's fee for this piece has been donated to Refuge, refuge.org.uk

This article was first published in 2016.

Moranifesto by Caitlin Moran is out now, published by Ebury Press, £20

[flauntpage]

Enough is Enough. Fans have the right idea after Sabres 5, Flyers 2

NOW!

Not Christmas. Not the All-Star Break. Not the trade deadline.

NOW!

There is no longer time to wait for the Flyers do do something, anything to change the culture and identity of this team.

This can be done in several ways. It can be a firing, head coach or assistant. It can be trade from the NHL roster – and it needs to be an impact one, not something small to say, “oh hey, we made a change.”

And if none of that happens, it can be done with a change in management.

But something has to happen, because what you saw, if you cared to watch, was possibly the worst period this season that resulted in a 5-2 loss in Buffalo Wednesday.

And I’m not talking just for the Flyers. No. It was certainly their worst period. I’m saying it could have been the worst 20 minutes played by any NHL team at any time in this season’s first two months.

And it was a complete and utter failure by everyone from the top down.

The Flyers, after three days off, were completely outplayed, out-skated, outworked out-everythinged by the Buffalo Sabres for the game’s first 20 minutes. The effort was completely, absolutely and absurdly unacceptable.

Dave Hakstol knew it. He used his timeout nine minutes into the game. Of course the team was already trailing 3-0. And he was as animated as I’ve ever seen him on the bench laying into his players.

It didn’t matter… not until the second period at least.

Because from the start of the second period until the Sabres got an empty net goal to ice the game, the Flyers were excellent. They played pissed off. They ramped up their physical play. They controlled puck possession. They generated scoring chances. They had the Sabres on their heels. They even outscored them 2-0. Frankly, we have a hockey game and probably a different outcome if they would have, you know, started the game this way.

But they were completely unprepared… again. Their penalty kill let up a goal… again. They have an AHL caliber goalie in net… again.

Alex Lyon is a competitor. He’s not going out there and purposely messing the bed. But he gave up four goals on 12 shots. Three on rebounds and one from a bad angle. That can’t instill confidence in the team in front of you.

Not that the team in front of him was any help. They were the freakin’ Keystone Cops on the ice for the first 20 minutes. It was really embarrassing. Turnover, Turnover, Turnover. Out of position. Lame defensive effort. You name the negative plays that result in goals against and the Flyers had them on grand display for 20 minutes against the Sabres.

Frankly, it sucks to keep writing about this, too. Not just for me, or any other person who is actually paid to cover this team, but for the fans who take to their own blogs, or online forums, or social media to write the same thing every day.

I am personally most thankful for them on this Thanksgiving evening. The fans who put up with the same lather, rinse, repeat mentality of the Flyers every day. It’s especially frustrating for them and I feel their pain.

So, in honor of them, rather than give you more repeated analysis of the same breakdowns of bad goals from the game, or highlight more turnovers, or say things like, “hey, they’re playing better and showing some fight and trying to comeback again” after goals by Claude Giroux and Wayne Simmonds, even though that is for naught, I decided to share some of the fans Twitter fire.

They deserve to be heard. The Flyers should definitely be listening.

And for the record, this is all from a Twitter search of the word “Hakstol.” I could be here all day if I wanted to search other Flyer-related words too. In chronological order:

This is on Hextall, and to a lesser extend Hakstol.

— Yo (@FlyGoalScoredBy) November 22, 2018

just heard a “Fire Hakstol'' scream… in Buffalo

— Sam Donnellon (@samdonnellon) November 22, 2018

I am convinced Dave Hakstol legitimately ignores coaching defense

— Kevin A (@Mister856) November 22, 2018

alex lyon you are not the goalie

— Fire Hakstol (@Benjami92357503) November 22, 2018

Can someone put some romaine lettuce in Dave Hakstol's lunch tomorrow?

— Josh Lyons (@TheLyons_Den) November 22, 2018

That one is just wrong Josh….. but it did make me laugh!

kindly launch every one of dave hakstol’s wakeboards into the sun plz

— 𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘰 𝘨𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘢𝘯 (@Doonbugs) November 22, 2018

I’m not sure if Mike Sielski ever knew what he would have wrought on this city with that Hakstol profile last summer. His story was sort of the Bizarro Gritty.

Great start to this Flyers game. Really glad that employed head coach Dave Hakstol got the boys ready to go tonight. Don’t know where this team would be without him and his innovative leadership skills.

— Jordie

(@BarstoolJordie) November 22, 2018

Well, the pains of being a Flyers fan continues. I've never been all aboard the Fire Hakstol train but this is seriously getting old. We obviously need to solve the goalie carousel as well. It's not a pretty picture.

— Chris Childress (@311child) November 22, 2018

When the patient get inpatient, you know it’s bad.

Time for a change flyers! Either the core goes or hakstol, it’s pretty simple. Coaching doesn’t help out the personnel and personnel doesn’t help the coaching

— Clint Surgeoner (@ClintSurge) November 22, 2018

Note: This is not my burner account.

You know what? Fuck it, get rid of Hextall and Hakstol and put Lombardi in charge. Hire Q of course, but Hextall is just as much to blame now as Hak.

— ReignInBlood

(@Flyers49ersGuy) November 22, 2018

For every day that goes by without a firing, this slowly becomes a "Hakstol is hurting this team" to a "Hextall and Hakstol hurting this team" thing. #FlyersTalk

— Chris Valentine (@lcvalent) November 22, 2018

It’s gonna be so fun when the flyers lose 10 games in a row for the second year in a row and hakstol still doesn’t get fired

— laura (@llxnne) November 22, 2018

I’ve always been defensive of Hakstol but this is just getting absolutely ridiculous

— Mark Murphy (@MARKmyWord116) November 22, 2018

Can't be the only one who doesn't want Jordan Weal in the lineup

— Hakstol Sucks (@BrianBertele) November 22, 2018

I hope the flyers get absolutely smashed tonight so Hextall can grow a fucking pair of balls and fire Hakstol. This team needs a major change.

— Patrick Janus (@jatpanus) November 22, 2018

Good job with the goalies, Hextall. I almost feel bad for Hakstol

— Dan Knightly (@DanKnightly) November 22, 2018

This is definitely something that Hextall has to take blame for. Definitely. He had two injured NHL goalies and a bunch of AHL goalies. What did he think was going to happen?

There is an identity problem as a whole as a franchise. When it comes down specifically to the players, they are just not getting done and not executing properly. I don’t think firing Hakstol automatically solves problems, but at this point something just needs to be done.

— Anthony (@AnthonyDiGrazio) November 22, 2018

Claude Giroux trying to single handedly save Hakstol’s job. #FireHakstol #Flyers pic.twitter.com/UCw4lfrKmN

— Steve Alikakos (@Stelios1974) November 22, 2018

More like when they lose tonight, tomorrow and the game after that, Hakstol will still be the coach and everyone but G will continue to play like they don't give a shit.

— bobby (@SukiHana) November 22, 2018

I liked the last part of Bobby’s tweet. It does seem like that sometimes. Not always… but sometimes.

the problems stem FAR beyond Hakstol, but he certainly isn't an innocent bystander in this mess https://t.co/VyeDC4qiN6

— Negative Dan The Flyera Fan (@DanTheFlyeraFan) November 22, 2018

And if our only defense of the man is “well he drafts well and can get the most from assets,” is there a tipping point where we look to make a change at GM? Do we trust him to hire a new head coach if he’s so adamantly behind Dave Hakstol? Tune in next time on Dragon Ball Z.

— Joshua Bright (@Ponti_flex_) November 22, 2018

And if our only defense of the man is “well he drafts well and can get the most from assets,” is there a tipping point where we look to make a change at GM? Do we trust him to hire a new head coach if he’s so adamantly behind Dave Hakstol? Tune in next time on Dragon Ball Z.

— Joshua Bright (@Ponti_flex_) November 22, 2018

@28CGiroux fourth straight loss…. care to move on yet? You and Hakstol?

— Geez (@likethepyramids) November 22, 2018

Unfair to put blame on Giroux. He plays his ass off. But hey, I understand the vitriol, even if it’s misguided.

#Flyers records at #Thanksgiving⁠ ⁠ the past 4 years under Dave Hakstol: 2018-19 9-10-2, 15th in the East 2017-18 8-9-5, 13th (made playoffs Lost to Penguins first round) 2016-17 9-9-3, 13th (missed playoffs) 2015-16 7-10-5,14th(made playoffs lost to caps 1st round) pic.twitter.com/5pBRMEm2YV

— Flyers Nation (@PHLFlyersNation) November 22, 2018

What’s the definition of insanity?

Cat Nap

ZzZzz 　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿_ ／＜_/＿＿＿＿／ ￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　 ∧_∧ Hakstol still employed? 　(　･ω･) 　 |　⊃／(＿＿_ ／└-(＿＿＿_／ ￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

ZZzZzz 　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿_ ／＜_/＿＿＿＿／ ￣￣￣￣￣￣

— vile_mennis (@vile_mennis) November 22, 2018

What’s Hakstol’s pregame ritual? Readings from James Joyce and viewings if Old Yeller?

— Walcraeb (@walcraeb) November 22, 2018

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone but Dave Hakstol and Ron Hextall.

— Colin Moye (@JornadaDelColin) November 22, 2018

Thanks Colin!!

The longer Hakstol remains the head coach the more I start to feel Hexy and ownership don’t value winning and that should worry all @NHLFlyers fans..

— CJ Bond (@bondcjbond) November 22, 2018

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Hakstol has been terrible. It’s time to go.

— Rich (@richcapra) November 22, 2018

Oh… there it is…. I know someone would provide the answer. Thanks Rich!

But I agree Hakstol has to go…. we all remember what a college coach did to our football team.

— Cyle (@cap_018) November 22, 2018

Gotta love a vague Chip Kelly reference.

Let's be real, if they are 2 or 3 bad games from getting a coach fired, will 4-5 good games really make a difference, in the big picture? If Hextall thinks a decent run of games saves Hakstol's job, he's just delaying the inevitable.

— Brian (@Trizellini) November 22, 2018

Russ and I talked about this on Snow the Goalie a couple weeks ago. This is a fair point. If playing well for five games gets you back to mediocrity, is that a good enough reason to hold on to the coach?

Welcome to being a Flyers fan in the Dave Hakstol Era https://t.co/wAN5wZz4Rs

— Alex Littman (@Alitt30) November 22, 2018

The coolest thing that Hakstol has done is bridge the gap between analytics people and anti-analytics people. Both sides finally agree on something: this team is going nowhere under this coach.

— Brad Keffer (@brad_keffer) November 22, 2018

This really is true, isn’t it?

The Comcast Group needs to step in and fire the GM and coach. It’s clear Hextall thinks his agenda is working. There is a 3 time cup winning coach unemployed while Hakstol still has a job?!? This core has be together for 8 years now and produced nothing. Time for major changes.

— Steve Johnson (@TheSteveNoize) November 22, 2018

Comcast is the biggest, and I mean BIGGEST problem with the Flyers right now. I can’t stress that enough.

Hopefully the Rangers come in here and stomp us and the building is overrun with boos and "Fire Hakstol" chants……that humiliation on national TV might just be enough to make somebody do something……then again maybe not

— franko65 (@Raiderfrank65) November 22, 2018

It could get ugly tomorrow, especially if the Rangers score first.

this team is a fucking nightmare…. an absolute nightmare https://t.co/M3YzEv7jK8

— Fire Hakstol (@Benjami92357503) November 22, 2018

Yep Tyrell Goulbourne… that’s the answer the team needs. I’m done.

Happy Thanksgiving, Flyers fans. Don’t ever change.

For more Flyers coverage, be sure to check out our pregame and intermission shows “The Press Row Show” before and during home games via Facebook Live on the Crossing Broad Facebook page and Periscope via Anthony’s Twitter account. Also, listen to our Flyers podcast Snow the Goalie ([iTunes] [Google Play] [Stitcher] [RSS]), leave a 5 star review, and follow us on Twitter:@AntSanPhilly @JoyOnBroad

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[random-gallifreyan-rp]

Drunk History of the Insanity Squad

I recently watched some Drunk History episode and thought “Why don’t I do one for the squad?” Here you go, guys.

RG was lying upside down on the couch in one of the many rooms in the mansion, bottle of bourbon in her hand as she looked at Vic, who was also attempting to get as drunk as they needed. The outside world was practically non-existent as they laughed at inside jokes. The sound of a door opening stopped RG’s story, causing her to scramble upright on the couch to see who was entering and making sure J didn’t know she had stolen some of his best alcohol.

“Hey, RG?” Lilly said, poking her head through the door, “You in here?” A sigh of relief came from the manic wolf as she lowered her guard.

“Yeah, kid. Come on in.” She took another swig of the bottle, wishing she was more of a lightweight. A pleasant warmth coursed through her body as the alcohol made its appearance knows.

Lilly came fully into the room, shutting the door behind you. “Thanks. I was just looking for you so I could… Is that alcohol?” Her brow furrowed as she pointed to the slightly empty bottle of bourbon in RG’s hand.

Looking down at her hand, RG sighed. “Yeah, it is. Sometimes I’ve gotta drink myself into oblivion without James being able to stop me. Which has been happening a lot more now.”

Vic sighed, “You know he’s not gonna be happy when he finds out you’re drinking like this again.” As much as Vic hated James, she knew he wanted what’s best for RG. Even if that means giving up one of her ‘hobbies’.

“That’s where my living taser comes in,” RG laughed, motioning for Lilly to sit in the armchair that was unoccupied. “You said you wanted something, kid? Go ahead. Shoot.” She clicked her teeth shut as she fired an imaginary gun at the sober girl in the chair to the right of her.

“Yeah,” she said, “I wanted to ask what the squad was like before I was here.” Vic and RG exchanged glances before a manic smile grew on RG’s face.

“RG, what are you thinking?” Vic asked warily. RG just chugged half the bottle of bourbon and wiped her mouth on her sleeve.

Finally feeling the effects of the booze, RG began. “It was the summer of 2001, and Joe meets Patrick and he's like ‘Yo, I know about music.’ Then Patrick's like ‘Yo I know more about music!’ ‘That's impossible, so-” A book was promptly thrown at her head, a growl of discomfort erupting from her throat as she looked at Vic, eyes narrowed.

“What the fuck, dude?!” Lilly looked back and forth from the crazed wolf to the living thunderbolt. Thinking there was going to be a fight, she grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her chest, closing her eyes. She wasn’t prepared for the fits of laughter that soon erupted from the other girl’s throats.

“There’s nothing wrong with a bit of Fall Out Boy!” RG’s indignant squeak turned into a chuckle as the alcohol began to do its job. “Okay, okay. I’m a wee bit drunk,” she drawled, “but I’ll try my best.”

RG cleared her throat. “Okay, so I was an idiot and I ended up getting shot and dumped behind one of J’s clubs. Caela found me and I was bleeding to death. Like, 3 more minutes and I would’ve been kaput.” She hiccupped, continuing. “I sort of don’t remember too much. Like I said, a bit drunk. Erm, I remember I was okay enough to walk around and J bumped into me. Naturally, not knowing who he was, I started insulting him. He ended up grabbing me by my throat and asked if I had any final words.” A fit of laughs interrupted her story.

“Tell her what you said, RG,” Vic said, motioning to her friend on the couch.

“I made the mistake of saying ‘choke me harder, Daddy’.” RG burst into another fit of laughter before calming down and drinking more of her bourbon. “So of course he started choking me harder. I couldn’t breathe so I ended up kicking him in the crotch and running back to Caela.”

She continued rambling about what happened and drinking most of her bottle before she stopped, looking at Vic and blushing. “Then there was… That night.”

Lilly’s brows furrowed as she looked from RG to Vic, her head tilting.

“So, I ended up poking Vic and making her super suspicious. Now, she and I had some tension, mainly because life in the mansion was fucking stressful. We started fighting and we probably could’ve easily killed each other. Well, one thing led to another and suddenly, boom, we’re snogging in the foyer and James walks in. This was less than a week before he proposed to me, too.” RG recalled the tale, seemingly sobering up as she told it. Vic watched intrigued and Lilly began realizing why RG and Vic had such a close friendship. “So James goes up to our room and I go to talk to him. This guy shows up later that day, his name was Nate. Vic was acting weird and I fucking hated this guy. He was her ex. Push came to shove, literally, and he moved me out of the way to get to Vic. Biiiiig mistake,” she growled, eyes rolling back in her head at the memory to come. “I grab him and throw him onto the floor. I remember grabbing his jaw and neck, giving me enough room to just-”

“Wait, is this when I came? Is this guy you…?” Lilly interrupted, trailing off.

“Is this the guy who got his throat ripped out by her teeth? Yeah, it is,” Vic pointed out, laughed as RG ran her tongue along her teeth at the memory.

“After that, you were here for the rest of it,” the wolf slurred, setting down the now empty bottle. “I think I’m gonna head to bed.” Standing up, she made her way to the door before the world tilted. Landing face down on the floor, RG laid there for a second before the world blacked out, leaving her either there for the night for James to find or for Vic to drag upstairs.

“Yeah, I’m gonna hit the hay too,” Vic yawned, stretching her hands above her head before cracking her neck.

“But, what about RG?”

“Oh, just leave her. James or Caela will probably find her later and she’ll be good. It’s fine. This happened a lot.”