#but hey i guess it could be worse
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as usual with me, we have to take it slow the first time that i peg her.
despite her usual docility, she guides my strap to her hole. i'm sure she'd prefer if i did it, but i need help for the first time.
so she positions herself, then slowly lowers herself onto my strap. and she moans so loud, undoing herself before me, fucking herself on my dick. i will just watch with fascination, figuring out how to replicate what she likes. if she sounds so pretty now, i wonder what she'll sound like when i do it.
after a few moments, i will stop her. i'll grab her neck, or her hair, or even her waist, and tell her to stop. i'll remove myself from her hole, and flip us around, and pin her to the bed. i'll kiss her pretty lips and wait her her to beg for more. she's so desperate at this point, i doubt it'll take long, but i won't rush. i will touch her softly and bite her hard until i hear her ask for me to fuck her. if she rushes, i'll curl my lips into a smile, and whisper "be patient," until i'm ready.
this time, i'll fuck her myself. i will position myself over her aching hole and listen. when she begs, having tasted my strap but not truly been fucked by me, i will give her more than a taste. she said she likes it rough, so rough i will be. i'll slam into her with brute, unpracticed thrusts. i don't know how to be gentle, and would i even want to be? seeing her, i always want to take. this time, seeing her pleading beneath me, i want to fuck her at my will. i watched her do it, i know how she likes it, so this time, i'm letting her lie back and i am fucking her.
i'll watch her squirm beneath me, those huge eyes rolled back, helpless and consumed with pleasure. i'll listen to her pathetic noises moaned in sync with my rhythm, watching her hands go above her head without my action. i'll watch her become overwhelmed, crying, and incoherent. and then i'll watch her cum harder than she has in a long time.
and after she finishes, i want to hold her tight. i want to take her in my arms, and kiss her forehead, and make sure it wasn't too hard. i'll take off the strap and trace patterns into her skin while she comes down. i want to keep her there until the after tremors have faded and she's able to say more than "wow."
all this say, i want to fuck her, but we'll have to take it slow the first time. at least, slow at first. i'm sure i'll get used to it, but it'll take me a moment.
#insane just how badly i want to see her cry. this isnt even a “she cries during sex and i wanna see it” no i just want to make her cry#i don't even know how i'd accomplish that. is this it? she mentioned impact play for that previously. guess im learning how to hit#anyways. y'all. im so fucking obsessed. help.#i didnt even like pegging until like two months ago. when she asked me very nicely and i went ohhhh shit#i actually NEED to peg you#i thought about this for like two days before i could get it out and it's the most i've ever written for this blog#probably in the top 3 longest smutty things ive written ever. and stars it's only getting worse#she has me in a chokehold but HEY at least its mutual#unrelated but the fucking tenses in this post is a fucking mess. future? present? who knows#ok tags:#autistic nsft#nonbinary nsft#queer nsft#trans nsft#t4t nsft#t4t ns/fw#nsft concept#nsft imagine#nsft text#nsft#circus deer#nsft t4t#nsft trans#nsft txt#hornyposting#queer smut#queer ns/fw#PLEASE I SPEND SO LONG ON THIS GIVE ME ATTENTION
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Me when doing my environmental science homework, at every available opportunity:
#wish there were a class discord or a chill teacher so i could share it#fr though I'm like “oh we're talking about freshwater? hey did you know that agricultural runoff is causing accelerated eutrophication?”#and that a lot of the runoff is bc of erosion caused by the destruction of ecosystems and their vegetation that would've kept soil in place#and the runoff is mostly compromised of fertilizer and bacteria and pesticides from the agriculture and sediment from the eroded land#and that crop irrigation is so inefficient that literally 40% of irrigation water never reaches the crops#and don't even get me started on the FUCKING CORN SUBSIDIES#god those fucking corn subsidies#“hey boudicca what's the worst policy choice the us government made in the 1930s–40s?”#“was it American isolationism? maybe increased militarization? the garbage treatment of women and minorities?”#wrong! it was not stopping those fucking corn subsidies#(this is a joke obviously those other things were worse)#(I'm not actually saying this silly little agricultural practice was worse than Japanese internment don't worry)#but i AM saying that at some point they should've fucking phased out those goddamn corn subsidies#do you wanna know why California grows so much corn even though it's an incredibly water intensive crop and California is dry as shit?#I'll give you three guesses#anyway sorry for rambling my point is fuck industrial agriculture#agriculture#described
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#day 4 on bupropion#i need to vent. bc today was mostly decent. cause at least i could control my emotions and not cry at every little thing#but ended just as badly as i was feeling yesterday. i feel rly sad rn#when im productive i feel great but when im trying to relax? i feel like i need to find something productive to do immediately.#its like i need to do everything but i have no desire to do anything#im like. lying in bed at 2 am grieving my hyperfixations hard. been crying for the past 3 hours#bc i just cant sit down and enjoy anything without feeling like im forcing myself. and i already miss feeling things when i play video game#idk if i can do the 4-6 weeks of this before side effects normalize. everyone says it gets better#and even that is making me feel guilty bc it took me this long to get help and i already want to quit on my first week#i have an appointment with my dr on friday but fuck. the last 3 nights have felt like weeks. its so hard falling asleep.#it really doesn't help that this med is making me. stupid. i have about 10 seconds worth of memory before the thought is deleted#literally forgetting what i'm talking about midway through a sentence#but hey. at least my memory is so bad i cant remember what i did today and overthink every action. i guess.#and maybe tmi. but my libido is gone... like completely nonexistent now#some people literally take this shit to help w a low libido!!! but for me it is doing the exact opposite!!! what is wrong with my body#and to top it off i can't drink even a half cup of coffee without panic attacks. i miss iced coffee already :(#cant enjoy shit anymore and my adhd feels 10 times worse than it did before bc i can't sit still to save my life.#anyway im yapping so much but i need to because im feeling so alone#some side affects im getting r common and manageable but some are pretty uncommon and its hard finding anyone who relates...
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ooooooohohoho the way that i'm about to lean so hard into escapism
#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#us election#Seven's Public Diary#hey Siri play Sedated by Hozier for me please#i can feel my brain doing the thing where all the Bad is too overwhelming so it simply refuses to feel it#like. i cried for days before it and now that it's over and the worst happened i just. don't have much left. and i don't want to feel it#it's not cathartic anymore it's just miserable and i don't want to be miserable so i guess i'll be delusional for fun instead#it's not the correct or good thing to do but there's Many worse vices i could be using. so an increase in maladaptive daydreaming it is !#yeah the world is falling apart but so is my own life and so is my body as a result and. i can't worry about all of it or i Won't Make It#so prepare for a lot more assorted fandom blogging as i scrounge around for crumbs of serotonin in these trying times
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another semester BEHIND me… the relief hasn’t fully kicked in, but i’m starting to feel it.
#my dumb ass decided it would be a good idea to take ten credits in eight weeks#it was NOT#BUT (unless one of my professors really hates my final project which is unlikely) i have successfully emerged with all A’s#and i am now officially a sophomore!#(or will be in a couple days when the semester actually ends and the credits kick in)#it’s gonna be SO weird at Christmas with my family#because i functionally started at the same time as my little cousin#who has done one semester#and i’m just gonna roll in like ‘lol what’s up? guess who’s a sophomore now????’#i AM gonna milk that - i need victories#(not against my little cousin - i am SO proud of him… against my Grandpa)#anyway - now it’s time for Crazy Weekend#which consists of a work holiday party a program and two Christmas Bird Counts#it is gonna be a TIME#a good time - hopefully - but a Time nonetheless#and then? i get to? REST??????#nah - we actually have another program#but HEY - could be worse!!#someday i will rest#someday..
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I wish I just knew when/if I did something wrong
#the truest repairman posts#I’m probably making a big deal out of notjing but hey ho this is tumblr what is it for if not. Ranting about your emotions#A little too personally#I’m glad my cat is here honestly because I’d probably be reacting worse if she wasn’t here#I won’t remember this in a month so I don’t need to worry about it jaw clenched hands shaking#I guess I should have expected this I mean what’s the point of feeling like you’ve done something wrong and being upset when it’s confirmed#I just wish I knew what because now it’s the triple element of#If I did something wrong feeling guilty for that#If I didn’t and someone is just upset with me feeling guilty for causing that#And if someone is just a dick not caring about what they say but immediately worrying that by brushing it off as some shitty comment im#Ignoring someone who I actually upset#I shouldn’t get this worked up over something it’s 100% because I’m so tired#I was just already feeling so shit and then it was just confirmed like that… I wish I had someone to talk to now even so I could feel like#Haven’t upset EVERYONE at least#God I hope someone was just being a dick so I can stop giving a fuck#I’m too old to get upset like this man#Sorry for the long tags ig#Vent#Yeah we’re getting there I’d say#Probably should have tagged my like. One other post as vent too
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it's so unfair that i want to do nothing but make art right now and here i am dealing with my disability / illness at the absolute worst it's ever been. like i want to create. i really do. i have so many ideas and so many wips. but my hands are weak, i can't breathe properly, i have 24/7 migraines and i'm too scared of whatever is wrong with me that i can't focus on my art. and it sucks. this was my only outlet, i don't have anything else. I'm running out of ways to cope.
#sorry to be sad on main but#i will never shut up about being a disabled artist#it's in everything i do and everything i make#it's an important part of me now even if i wish it wasn't.#i wish i could tell you i'm proud of it. that i'm proud of being disabled.#i'm not. i would trade it in a heartbeat if it meant i would never have to worry about my health again.#but that's not how it is#indiposts#disability#Also to whomever said exercise makes you feel better. i exercised and it got better then immediately worse.#So i think i'm the exception :(#negative#I guess? hey it's just my life
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who knew the price of getting 4 days of alone time was a pet and family member passing away and 2 more family members being hospitalized (one is serious, the other will be fine)
All completely unrelated incidents. Just insane timing I guess.
Interesting series of phone calls these past 2 days.
#yeah that seems about right for my luck#not 1 good thing is allowed. ever.#Whatever man. Idk what to say.#Guess I’m back. Laying in bed doing nothing didn’t exactly help#If I seem detached well I didn’t really know the guy. Plus he was late 70s it wasn’t like completely unexpected#as for the hospital stuff. like I said 1 will be fine. the more uncertain case is in a different country#I don’t have all the details#and as for my cat. I don’t know. vet said it could have been a heart attack or stroke. no way of knowing#I’m so tired man.#taking tomorrow off as well.#boss is going to kill me when I get back#but holy shit#can’t say I don’t have an excuse#again don’t try to cheer me up or anything#that will only make me feel worse. socializing is not comforting for me. quite the opposite#hey man how was your weekend? oh. well. hah. just the usual
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starting to think maybe i should turn rbs off on that post actually bc im having heart palpitations now fdsjgjkl why is this happening to meeee
#vent //#me when the paranoia is Getting Bad fjkfdsjkl#its stemming from m.oral o.cd i think bc i am mainly worried abt more eyes on my blog and ppl seeing me frolic here#and the brain gophers have been insisting that i am doing smth horribly wrong and not realizing it#and the worry is that someone is going to see that and bypass talking to me abt it and go straight to making a callout post#and i will be sitting here with Zero Idea abt it#and continue hurting ppl by doing the Unknown Wrong Thing#but i also am not sure how that would happen bc i overthink literally Everything i post#if u see me put tags on smth that isn't just a simple ''ough'' or ''hehe yay!!'' i probably sat there for two mins making sure it was okay#running thru the words at every angle i can conceive of to ensure its not going to hurt somebody somehow fdsjkl#and this paranoia has been so bad the past few days. and when it gets bad then i get worried bc maybe i somehow have a guilty conscience#without even knowing !!! just subconsciously having a guilty conscience somehow !!#which ... only makes the paranoia worse fdsgjkl its a very bad vicious circle#anyways. i have been lowkey avoiding being here lately bc of this but i feel like avoidance just makes it worse#so . hrm. i just do not want to have more crying breakdowns bc i tried to figure out what on earth i could possibly be doing so wrong fsdjk#not exactly a fun way to spend time FDSJKL but ... what can ya do i guess#like i can't ask ppl ''hey am i doing smth wrong?'' bc thats. very vague. and subjective. and also i shouldnt rely on other ppl like that#but my brain is so goofed up that i genuinely cannot tell when i get like this sdjfkl bc i feel so sure i must be doing smth wrong somehow#so every tiny thing seems like maybe its wrong in a way i dont understand yet... ough#ANYWAYS SORRY THIS IS . NOT A GOOD POST TO MAKE. LOL. but i feel like this is the only way im going to bust myself out of this cycle#hopefully if i just Say that i've been really worried then if smth IS actually wrong someone will let me know#and if nothing is wrong then !! i can move on from this continual paranoia spiral !! maybe !!#i feel like me posting this is going to be a Wrong Immoral Move but fdsjkl rly trying to just. break out of it rn fsdjkl#dandyshucks
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and I just realised I can't sleep tonight 🙃 I have to go see my GP as soon as they open at 8 (to get a note so I can hopefully still do the oral exam for my thesis). I can't sleep without meds. but if I take the meds I can't wake up after only a few hours. sooo. I guess I'll be awake until probably like 10:00 or something, at least.
#which is fine I guess#since I woke up very very late.... but still. anything that pushes my sleep schedule even further back is not great#but hey at least I'll probably look like I'm actually sick 🙃#it sure would be cool to be able to sleep! and to only sleep like.. 8 hours. maybe even 10. and feel rested#but no I can't even do that.#everything would be easier if only I could sleep. I wouldn't need the meds. which cause side effects. which are unpleasant and make things#worse.#maybe one day 🙃🙃#personal
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winter is so much fun i love experiencing 4pm from 8am-430pm and then midnight immediately after its great for my brain
#yall i need some vitamin d#winter blues#i fucking guess#one more week then im using the rest of my vacation time#hey at least i dont have finals anymore#it could always be worse
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guess whos bathtub is currently flooding their apartment 👍
#the bin#ugh this is not what i had in mind 4 today#scooped 2 full bathtubs worth of water into the sink with a bowl#i caught it before it could get really bad#very lucky it happened while someone was homw bc if not then ppl qoulda come in and found the pets we arent supposed to have#like. was having to scoop qater out to stop the flooding from getting worse and also move fertet cage out of hall closet bc it was in front#of the panel for.the bathtub that they migjt need to access#and move the ferrets to the garge#and cover the snake tanks#have the downstairs ppl come n tell me theyre having lekaing. dry the floors to hopefully stop it from leaking too bad#and then scoop another bathtub full of water into the sink while im on hold with the maintenance line#and the water is all soapy so ive been having to walk around in that this entire time :(#but hey. my feet r soft now#its so unsettling to walk out of ur room to a puddle of warm liquid and think ur cat peed but then to keep walking and realize theres a lot#it could be worse for sure tho#this explains the bathtub mysteriously becoming dirty repeatedly even when nody used it and it was cleaned#its been filling with water a lot i guess. lucky it never overflowed till now
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anecdotally i see a lot of people be like 'im cured i'm not having an episode i never had bipolar' when they're manic but i'm like the opposite. i get hyperaware of it during the episode and now that it's wearing off i'm like. well i think there is nothing wrong with me do i really have bipolar? <- meanwhile i have to only look at my blog for the past 2 weeks to go Huh there was something wrong here
#tbf in my case i think it is made worse by the fact that like. nobody ever takes me seriously when i go Hey I Think I Have Bipolar#but thats neither here nor there i guess. i get to talk to my psych tomorrow so we'll see what he thinks#like my therapist is on the fence <- thinks it could be autism <- i think this is dumb but i'm not a therapist so whatever. it's not like#i live inside of my own brain or know how my experiences feel. lol <- this is just me being salty she's a great therapist really
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mentally ill people who for whatever reason end up wearing the same exact clothing so many days in a row that it begins to disintegrate and will still not stop wearing it until it’s literally just scraps of fabric VS. those weird shitty rich people who ‘’can’t be seen in the same outfit twice’’ human dichotomy
#poast brought to you by my pants that are missing an entire leg and completely open in the back and the front almost#to the point they could not really be considered pants anymore (I wear lots of layers so i have shorts under them but lol)#I tore them again sitting down and it made me introspect about when it's time to throw clothes out and how everyone has different standards#and etc. Like how some people will get stains on clothing and just throw it away#.where others will keep wearing stained stuff if they have an attachment to it. etc. etc.#or like One hole in jeans is okay but 20 holes is Crossing A Line - unless they were made that way as a fashion trend#which then made me think about those people who like.. change clothes multiple times a day and never want to rewear stuff#and just have a constant stream of fast fashion etc. Anyway. not a real dichotomy. just being silly. i like to think about humans behaviors#brggghghb.. still not being very productive as I just keep having flare up after flare up of various chronic issues I have so I'm feeling#sick like every few days but always for different reasons. As if something has increased the general inflammation in my entire body#and its just bopping around making different things worse here and there. but I'm not sure of any underlying cause.#theorectially could always be stress since I am often stressed but I don't feel stressed more than usual. I have no infection markers#on blood tests and my covid tests so far have been negative. I guess my body just felt like 'hey happy new year. would you like.. uhm...#some... Problems.. as a treat? OuO''#I mean I'm lucky at this point that I don't have a condition that makes me completely bedridden or something and am grateful for that but#having so many smaller issues in the background overlapping all the time can be ehxausting and make it feel like a larger issue#because you just never get a break. once one problem clears up it's another. etc. modifying diet. supplements. doctors. new issue. new modif#ications. new doctors. new this#new that. etc. For my body to reach some sort of non-inflammed stable state I feel like I'm going to have to just be suspended in a gladd#*glass antigravity chamber for 3 years eating nothing but basic gruel and iv liquids. something so bland and so untriggering of anything#that literally nothing can be inflammed or etc. lol.. Though I'd probably still somehow have joint pain even with nogravity.#ANYWAY... I did finally edit a new sims video. for the few of you that follow my sims youtube. I have costumes totally ready to post I just#literally havent had the energy to queue up the photos. STILL WORKING ON EVIL WORLDBULDING SLIDESHOW task of epic proportions#. other videos. other stuff. I've had to spend some time on social stuff since I really ned to get started finding friends in the potential#places I'd like to move so I know people when I get there. as it takes me like years to trust someone. but hjgh... I am so like. inherently#unrelatable to the average person. at least the avg people on friend making sites and stuff. I even made a perosnal compatibility quiz#but again.. thats something most people don't do lol... ''buhh just text snapchat me & get to know me through conversation why should i take#a 15 minute quiz up front?'' shut up. i woudl LOVE to take a custom compatibility quiz before talking to someone. its efficent. you will nev#er get it. that is a positive to me. if only anyone else did that. if only. (I'm being jokingly rude. its perfectly reaosnable for people to#have different standards and communication styles. etc. etc. lol) ANYWAY.. tldr me sleepy and feel bad no productive wehh
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Me after watching a movie with young gay characters frotting spontanically and lovingly: Fuck yeah, that's it!!! What an enlightment! Why did it never even occured to me that guys can do it this way?? Why doesn't any other movie showed it to me before!? Like is this not the most logical and natural way when their genitals are literally sticking out?! And it's just sooo sweet and tender!! And they are so equal in the act!! and it so much corresponds with the rest of their relationship in the movie and is opposed to the patriarchal norms and social expectations of male rivarly and and... I am so damn sure everyone in the fandom must be highlighting the fact that they frot!!!
Glancing at other people's fanfics: [top and bottom everywhere]
Me: wha...? 😳 but... why???? 🥺
[I shut myself up and crawl back into my hole assuming that I must be the most sexually obsessed weirdo in the block]
You’ve heard of He Would Not Fucking Say That. Now get ready for: He Would Not Fuck Like That
#well I've read a lot of smut and sure it was a good stuff. I've been surprised at first that there's no frot but hey I take what I can get#I think maybe these characters would actually turn to do it this other way some day who knows? So I did enjoyed it#there is no wrong or right way to write a fanfic. It's just that their First Time WAS different and I KNOW it#and what is worse I think it was important. not like the hill I wish to die on but still. I've seen what I've seen and I know what I know#it actually fascinates me how popular top-bottom dynamics are in fics and movies...#...while statistics say it's the least favorite way of intercourse among gay men couples?🤔#could the dynamics be so much appealing for the writers? or could it be lack of knowledge (for it's not a commonly known topic afterall)?#if I were a scientist I'd love to make a research about it. I'm not so I can only guess#and believe me it's not easy to be sexually obsessed asexual and home grown sociopsychologist at the same time#fandom#whatsnothotaboutfrot
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Had a talk w my profs/employers earlier about renewing my contract where one of the things we talked about how I missed so many of the Thursday-group-meetings cause I was sick/had doctors appointments.
We also agreed to have another talk on our next meeting.
Just had to email them to tell them I couldn't make it bc I remembered I had a neurologist appointment that day.
Stay tuned to see if I lose my job I guess :D
#Tbf I feel like it's coming to its end anyways#I'm technically almost done w my degree but the few things I'm missing I don't feel able to do bc of my disability#And they only want to employ me / legally can keep me a student as long as I intend to finish which I am but like... Idk if I can do it#But their patience is running out and also at one point the uni will kick me out so#Anyways I'm extremely anxious now and sometimes telling someone what makes me anxious helps me get rid of the thought spiral#But I don't want to tell an individual cause then I actually have to talk about it so that's why I'm making this rant post#Anyways love my avoidant style of problem solving which doesn't actually solve any problems but just makes them worse and worse#Has worked out great for me the last 300000 times I did it#Which is actually funny to say cause like most of the time it did actually work out but just would have been immensly easier if I did it#Right away#But still every time I feel like the world will end#.... Maybe I should go back to therapy#It's been 2 years so I think I could again?#Would love to go to my last therapist bc she really helped me while I worked w her but it'd also be extremely embarrassing to be like#Hey girl remember like t h e thing we worked on for 2 years and I made great progress w? Well guess who just let it get extremely bad again#Granted this time it's not just my avoiding but my memory slash concentration issues due to my fatigue also play an extremely big role
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