#but hed do anything. how the hell did i end up rambling about them like this

[fear-no-mort]

loving it keep it coming

[axemetaphor]

wwwhats up its 430am I cant sleep and I dont think I've ever done an annoying headcanon ramble for jdate on here so here we fuckin goooo I'm on mobile but I'm gonna try my damnedest to do a read more and if it doesnt work and looks stupid well sue me

amy is the one routinely awake before the other two. I dont mean shes always the first one to wake up, but her back pain is more likely to have her up in the early hours of the morning. shes also the only one who has anything thay resembles q sleeping schedule of the three as john is just like, completely fucked in that department and Dave's insomnia/depression-sleeping fucks him over sometimes. basically amy Has A Brain and also lost likely schedules it so that she can be falling asleep as her pain pills take effect.

amy also is the one who's like fairly into self care stuff like fuckinuhhh face masks and shit—look, I dont inow jackshit about self care, but I mean amy strikes me as the kind of person to actually maintain her appearance in a fairly regular manner. john will just like "forget" to take care of himself and then just Be Decadent for a week and then "forget" again (either going on a bender or just actually being normal for once) and all dave knows of self care is "when I get the urge to eat an entire pie, and give into that urge, That is self care"

anyways Partially because of that I headcanon Dave gets acne like Pretty Much All The Time and hes just kinda stopped caring about it. amy gets acne Sometimes because it just like Happens. john is that one lucky motherfucker who just is somehow naturally immune. perpetually clear skin on this man. I hate him

also dave Kind Of strikes me as the kind of guy fuckign "3 in 1" shampoo is targeted towards the man just Does Not Care. other girlfriends have tried to get him into actually using different kinds of soaps and not just defaulting to "3 in 1 wherever I think soap should go" but its amy who actually succeeds in breaking this terrible habit hes had.

also I think that Despite his hair being described as frizzy and all that, John actually takes care of his hair. except for times when hes Less Than Functional. and also yknow when the world is fuckin ending but I doubt anyone really has time for a haircare routine when they gotta be fighting monsters and shit

amy again is just a normal person about hair. but shes the only one who can actually cut hair and tbqh I think she does it Pretty Well! shes no professional but shes not john either that's for sure (if you let john close to your head with scissors, well— it's your funeral, man)

this is completely projecting and also like totally Useless but I just think it would be funny if Dave has exploding head syndrome. if you donf know what that is it's a phenomenon-or-something where right when you're dropping off to sleep your brain just liek idk gets bored I guess? and comes up with some phantom Loud Noises to startle the shit out of you. it's great! and by 'great' I mean terribly annoying! but in general I think Dave is a Very restless sleeper so him suddenly flinching himself awake isnt exactly Abnormal.

amy sleeps like a normal human being Mostly, I think she Might be one of those sorts who likes to sleep curled up in the fetal position which is so very valid. she gets night terrors sometimes though because ✨trauma✨. the best way to comfort her with that is a tight hug cause I feel like her Main fear would be that shes all alone again and a hug sure does help people feel less alone I think,

john either starfishes out when he sleeps (also I headcanon he likes to sleep at least Partially on top of Dave and Dave only pretends to hate it) or grabs hold of something and clings to it tightly. hes a very light sleeper, though, and snaps awake at any loud noise or especially if he gets bumped into too strongly. this doesn't always play well with Dave's restlessness and tendency to Sleep Fight but they manage.

I feel like its fairly common to Assume john has tattoos but specifically I feel like a lot of his tattoos are things he or his friends have drawn, I wrote about it Once Or Twice but maybe not here so I'll just like say it again, I think he asks his friends to draw shit on him then goes and gets it tattooed later (or, hell, right then and there lmao) and it's like a Mark of Friendship. he claims Dave has drawn the most on him because Dave's his best friend but whether or not that's true, who knows. the first one was from Dave, though, and john did it himself stick-and-poke style the night of. that happened while they were still in high school and Dave was actually Slightly Embarrassed because what he doodled was just like really stupid looking and fuckin hell john now you're gonna have that on you forever what the hell man? but the rest of John's tattoos, if not done by friends they're either things he drew (I maintain he still draws in his downtime I love the idea of artistically talented john so much-) or weird shit he found online.

I honestly didnt think Dave would really get tattoos because he does state hes afraid of needles BUT as someone Also afraid of needles who paradoxically wants tattoos .. he could probably power through it and get like A Few. one of them is from John (stick-and-poke style, again,) and I am Not actually sure how many hed have but definitely less than John. amy only has that one tattoo that I keep forgetting when I draw her godfuckendammit-

John is the one who makes the most Food Monstrosities (Dave barely even bothers to cook) and he does this by making just the worst decisions both technical-wise (as in, hes Definitely the "just turn the oven temperature up to speedrun cooking" kind of guy) and taste-wise. dave on the other hand is likely to make terrible drinks like jack daniels + mountain dew which my buddy Ben so fantastically dubbed "jack and piss." the sheer Concept of jack daniels + mtn dew tho is thanks to that one kurtis conner video about becoming a country boy which is entirely unrelated but everyone needs to know. ANYWAY.

john and Amy like playing pranks on each other (and dave). they're in an ongoing low-key prank war and Dave is Mostly just spectating but sometiems they Conspire to commit mischief against him. it's annoying sometimes but ultimately more endearing than it is annoying so he never gets Too mad.

john and Amy absolutely have Gaming Nights(tm) that sometimes include dave as well unless they wanna play some like fps game, I'm fairly sure hes said he doesnt really like those. but they also can get Competetive which, dave tends to act as a bit of a buffer to keep them from getting Too into it ... but sometimes he gets a little competitive too. what I'm trying to say is them playing mario kart is absolute chaos and also an event i woudl buy tickets to

john has a youtube channel for sure. he is So obnoxious. he hardly has any audience because let's be honest his videos kind of suck— they're all either kinda boring vlogs or him recording the cases he and Dave go on (when he can convince Dave to let him) which are almost always declared Fake by the commenters. amy is subscribed to him. dave probably doesnt even have/use his own YouTube channel so he was not subscribed until john stole his phone and did it for him. (he never watches the videos) the videos are not edited much, I dont think any of them really knows too much about video editing shit.

dave cant fuckin do math.

John and Dave do Not know how to handle crying. like Dave's learned what helps Amy, in specific, but anybody else? clueless. Dave also just does not cry very often in general (shut up lemme project again LMAO-) and tends to just refrain from doing it even if he wants to/probably should, rarely ever actually breaking down and letting it all out; he'll stop himself from getting there/even crying much in the first place. he doesn't exactly have a Reason for it or at least not one he can recite (it's the bullying. we dont get details of how that was beyond The Locker Room Incident which I wont go into but I'm just going to project the rest of it was similar to shit I went through, It's The Bullying). John also kinda Doesn't Cry and actually hes even more restrained about it than Dave, because he won't even cry around either of them if he can avoid it and if it happens he 1) will Not address it, 2) prefers no one else acknowledge it, and 3) will Run The Fuck Away if it's acknowledged. they both try Really Really Hard to help amy when shes crying though, if shes crying for a Big Reason, cause they both also understand she just cries easily and doesnt always need or want comfort.

that,s all for now BUT if I come up with mroe. there will be a reblog. also these are not all like "I am the only one who's ever tho ig ht this" or w/e a lot of them are from me talking with other people or Absorbing much older posts on here because I read Everuthing I can find.

I sure hope I can sleep soon, this is probably mostly incoherent. gnight

[kpurereactions]

May a request monsta x and/or ateez reaction? When they have a crush on you but don't know? Like... would they make it obvious or just be shy and do nothing.. idk.. something like that 😆

(keep an eye out for Monsta X :))

Hongjoong:

It would be hard to tell when his feelings flip since he’s such a big hearted person. He wouldn't tell you at first, hed want to create memories for you of him that would linger so when he finally did tell you how he felt you're feelings towards him would all be fond. Hed start with simple yet thoughtful things; Bringing you food, texting you goodnight, visiting you when he sensed something was wrong ect. Hed slowly get more bold, getting you flowers, waiting for you outside so he could open doors for you ya ya ya. He’d start inviting you to more things and would try to whine cutely to make you feel bad after you had said you were busy. It would feel like all his focus was on you, but never would it feel over bearing. When he finally did confess to you you would already be head over heels for him. 

Seonghwa:

He would probably try to hide his feelings for as long as possible as rejection from you would be the last thing hed want. Hed grow shy around you, blushing harsher at your jokes and getting nervous when you chose to sit next to him instead of another member. Hed be the exact opposite when you weren't around, though. If you were FaceTiming another member, eating with another guy or anything that didnt involve him directly hed grow sulky and would even go as far as to snap at his friends. Hed finally confess out of frustration over something you ‘did’. Lets say you went out with your friends, he would wait up all night and once he thought it was too late and too dangerous for you to stay out hed blow your phone up. When you'd confront him hed say “Its because I Love you okay!?” like you were supposed to know that. 

Yunho:

Hed make it so obvious he liked you. Hed follow you around and not think twice about it. Hed try his hardest to make you laugh as hard as you could and would always praise and support little thing you did. When you were sad would be when he would show it the most, though. Hed show up randomly, hug you tight, bring you something to make you smile and when you were feeling better he would touch you gently while smiling with kind eyes. Hed make you feel safe and happy with out even really trying to cause that reaction. Hed become a rock for you without you even realizing why, and you'd realize he would never have to tell you he liked you because his actions would do that for him. 

Yeosang:

Hed grow so shy it would become unmanageable for you as in you would notice something right away. You would try to figure out why he was acting so weird but it would eventually cause a little bit of distance to form between the two of you. You would think he all of the sudden started to hate you and vice versa. Even though this was happening he would still do little things to make your life a little easier. Hed do things like put your keys in a place he knew you wouldnt forget them, plug your phone in if he noticed it was dying, and leave you more to eat if you seemed hungry. The two of you would eventually have to half a talk, which would probably be initiated by you, and as soon as you pressed hed answer you with ‘I was just so nerveous about how much ive grown to love you’. Oh and yeah, he would ramble so you would get to shut him up with a kiss. 

San:

A lot like Hongjoong, San would make you fall in love with him. His constant attention and flirty things he would do at first would seem like a gag, as if to play a game. Hed be one to be super flirty at first, but the more you seemed to accept his gestures and not laugh them off the shyer he would get. Like when he stuck his face close to yours and tucked your hair behind your ear he would grow quiet and lean back with a slow smile when he noticed you blushing instead of pretending like you hated him touching you. The game would start as him getting you to like him, but would end with him just falling deeply and madly in love with you and all the cute little things you do. 

Mingi:

He wouldnt even think to keep the secret of him developing a crush on you a secret. He would start saying things like “Why? because I like you thats why.” and “What do you mean! You're perfect for me!” But because it was Mingi you wouldnt take him seriously, and he knew that. There would be a point, though, and I cant decide if its when something sad happens or when something happy happens but he would just go for it. Hed kiss you before telling you and when he confessed he would have a mental list of not only the reasons why he likes you but the reasons why you should like him back. 

Wooyoung:

He would start doing more just so you would notice him, becuase even though hes confident he wanted to just really make sure you saw him. He would start doing things a little bit louder, funnier and yes, sexier than the other members just so you would notice that he was all around the best fit for you, as if it was a competition. The thing about Wooyoung though, and it would probably take a while to catch the hint to do this, but if you ask him if he liked you he wouldnt try to lie and play it off. Even if you were around other members he would confess as soon as you asked because to him, even though he might get made fun of, you were more important than the teasing and he really wouldnt know how to tell you any other way. 

Jongho:

Jongho would be pretty honest with his feelings. He would tell you you were pretty, that you look nice so on and so fourth once he realied how fond he had grown of you. He wouldnt be afraid to hell his hyungs he liked you either, be he wouldnt do it to get advice, he would only do it to let them know he liked you. He would start getting more playful with you too, hed chase you around and catch you by the waist, poke your sides out of no where and sit there like he didnt do anything and make ugly faces at you when you were trying to do something serious. He would wait for the right time to tell you he liked you, but it wouldnt take that long since all he felt like he had to do was catch you right before you decided to leave. 

Kitty

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

A Bakugou fluff alphabet like the Shinsou one would be amazing!

Woo first ask ����

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Bakugou likes a lot of things about you

But his favorites are

Your thighs

Your hands

And your smile

Your thighs, no matter how big, are soft and warm and he loves cuddling with them

Your hands feel soft in his huge, calloused ones, and he loves the way they feel against him

Your smile is so pretty, and the smile you give him makes his heart melt

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

Eventually, he would

Hes more focused on his career, becoming the number one hero is his main priority

But, once you both are situated and have the money and are more able to make your own schedules

Ya, hed love to have a couple little ones with you

Hed want 2, maybe 3

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

Hes such a stubborn brat

Hell act like he doesn't want cuddles but he a d o r e s them

Hell kinda just pull you into him or just flop onto your chest and hug you tightly

His hands are all over you, and he just wants to be as close to you as possible

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

Hes all about having fun

So your dates are things like amusement parks

Pranking your friends

Things like that

He wants to have fun with his baby so he makes sure that dates focus on that

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…))

You are his happiness

He has friends, sure, but no one had ever made him as happy as you have

As someone who is prone to anger, having someone who makes him unbelievably happy is extremely important

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

He figured out he loved you one night when you were cuddling

You had been dating for a few months, and you were sleeping in his room since you had been there all day and didn't feel like going back to your room

But he couldn't sleep

As you clutched his shirt in your fist, hugging him tightly, he stared at you

You were so beautiful, even asleep, and his mind wandered to how amazing you were to him

So, he ended up staying up all night thinking about how much he loved you

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

It depends on the situation

Or more like, he has 2 modes for every situation

He has his more rough front, that he uses mainly when you're in public or hes just in that mood

And then he has his soft mood, where he gently hugs you and presses little pecks to your forehead

He doesn't like feeling vulnerable, and acting soft makes him feel so, but over time he gets more used to it around you

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

Just plain lacing his fingers through yours

Hell either just grab your hand and hold it without saying anything, acting like it's no big deal

Or hell kinda shyly sneak his fingers into yours, blushing a bit

I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

His first impression of you was the same as he viewed everyone else

You were just another damn extra

He warmed up a bit faster to you, as with the beginning tests and stuff he got to see how strong you were

So basically it was just 'I'm better than you, but you're not the worst.'

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

Yes

So much

He hates when other people flirt with you, you're his - they should know that

And he doesn't appreciate when you give too much attention to others

Honestly, hes a bit insecure about how you feel about him, knowing most people can get really annoyed by his attitude, so he hates the idea of anyone giving you the possibility of leaving him

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

So again, 2 modes

Hes either kissing you super soft, gripping your face or your waist and kissing you slow and deeply

Or theres his fast, rough kisses where he pushes you against a wall and let's his hands roam your body as he bites your lip and shoves his tongue in your mouth

So he initiated the first kiss - you had been dating for like 2 days and he wanted to kiss you, so he did

It was in between the two, since he still didn't really wanna be soft with you but he didn't wanna scare you or something by going all out

L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

He does

It's out of nowhere, like you're just doing homework or something and hes just like

"I love you "

He probably didn't mean to actually say it, but he did, and you said it back!

So all was good

M = Memory (What’s their favourite memory together?)

When he asked you out

He had been crushing on you for so long, and was getting so fed up about not knowing your feelings

He honestly assumed you didn't like him

But when he asked you out and you got the biggest smile on your face and said ya, it made him so happy!

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

Rarely

He doesn't really think about what kinds of material things you'll like

And he hates shopping, so he barely ever goes with you

He gets you gifts here and there ofc, but he doesn't spoil you unless he feels there is a reason to

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?)

Green, like an emerald

Why?

Because you compliment him when he wears it, and he thinks you look good in it

It kinda becomes your guy's color

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

He uses a lot of pet names actually

A lot of cute ones too

When around others he may stick to brat, babe, or baby

But when you're alone

"Sweetie, can you help me with this?"

"Hey cutie, how was training?"

"Y/n, love, stop fucking whining and give me a hug"

Q = Quaint (What is their favourite non-modern thing?)

Likes watching old movies with you

Like really old cliche action movies

Hes the type to comment during movies, and old movies, while amazing, are fun to make fun of

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

Cook

Its something that will keep him warm, and it's fun to do

If you dont know how to cook he takes this chance to teach you

Or if you do then he likes to simply cook stuff with you

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

Doesn't really know how to cheer himself up

Tries to distract himself, and that usually involves you helping him do so

When you're upset, he really doesn't know what to do

Hell let you talk to him, and hell give you hugs when you want

But one thing this boy is good at is hyping you up, so if you're insecure about something, he will ramble for days about how amazing you are

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

The future is a big one

He likes talking about what life might be like once you're pro heroes

Where will you live?

How famous will you get?

Stuff like that

Also likes talking about your guys friends, it's fun to him

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

Training

If hes stressed, hes dragging you out to the field so you can train

Besides, he likes training with you anyways so that you can become the strongest power duo

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

On himself, he shows off a lot

Sometimes it's his muscles

Or his quirk

Or his brain

But with you, hell hype you up on these things too

"Y/ns stronger than all you extras!"

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

Proposes after you graduate

He doesn't want to wait, he knows he loves you and wants to marry you, so he proposes as soon as possible

Besides, you wont have much time for all the wedding preparations or honeymoon if he waits longer

He cooks your favorite food, and he proposes at home

Its really cute and personal, and you couldnt be happier

X = XX (What's something only you know)

You're the only one that knows how scared he is for the future

How he doesn't actually think hes good enough

He knows hes strong and all that, but he doesn't think he has all the makings of a number one hero

And that's the goal hes followed since he was little - he wouldn't know what to do if it failed

He only confides In you about this, the only thing reassuring him is your comforting words - the words of someone he is sure will make a wonderful hero someday

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

Again, yes

He loves you so much

So why wouldn't he want to spend the rest of his life with you

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

Probably a snake

He loves snakes, so it would be awesome for you two to get one, or 5

[bleepblopbloop56]

The Murder In Th Dressing Room

Chapter 10. The Finale

Unedited.

Warnings: death mention.

For more info about the story, read this post.

It is.. Sad to post the final chapter alone, but im glad to finally not have to worry about the fic anymore. I hope you guys enjoyed reading, lets finish this off...

You can finally read all of this from the beggining, right here

Even before Emile had answered the doorbell, Logan could hear Patton's baby babble of "dadda dadda dadadadada" through the door. They had just came back from Remy's funeral, the car ride to Emile's apartment was silent and painful. Car rides would probably always be painful for Roman after everything that happened. He kept a hand on Logan the whole time, up until Emile had opened the door with a bouncing baby Patton in his arms

"Hii!" He sing songy, shifting Patton to one arm to hug Logan when he entered "someone missed you!" Roman couldn't help but smile looking at him, his little legs kicking frantically and hands making grabby motions towards Logan. He had thick blonde curls circling his head like a halo, and chubby cheeks smiling ear to ear.

"And I missed him!" Logan called, taking Patton into his own arms and hugging him tight. Patton's hands were pulling at anything he could get, giggling when he pulled off his daddas glasses and dropped them to the floor. "Did you have fun with uncle Emile??" He asked, getting a string of gibberish back from the boy. Emile gestured them in, nudging toys out of the way from where they were sprawled out on the floor. 

Roman took a minute to take in the room and quickly realised he couldn't tell where Patton's stuff stopped and Emile's started. The walls were a light pink almost like a baby girls nursery, shelves of stuffed animals and toys decorating the walls alongside posters of avatar the last airbender and into the spiderverse. The only thing that did not match the childlike decor was the pictures of him and another man decorating every free space he had. 

Logan carried on pretending to understand the mindless babble from Patton as Roman traced the room, stopping in front of a frame holding the two on their wedding day, kissing like it was the only thing giving them life. 

"That was angel" Emile smiled, resting his hand on Roman's shoulder. "He was perfect" 

'Was?' Roman thought to himself, a quick glance at Emile's hand revealed a wedding band and one more glance around the room showed a picture of Emile nearly tackling the man wearing a military uniform in what seems to be an airport. 'Oh.'

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude" Roman laughed awkwardly. He had met Emile a smattering of times when him and Logan were dating, but had never actually talked about anything more than the charlie brown thanksgiving special they watched every year. 

"Oh you're fine" Emile waved it off "it was a long time ago" behind them, roman could hear Logan baby-talk back to his son.

"That's Roman" he stretched out Roman's name for the boy to learn "Roman" the man in question whipped around, moving to squat in front of the two sitting on the couch. 

"Ro-in" Patton tried, making both of them smile widely. Roman played with the fingers on Patton's chubby hand, making the baby giggle.

"It's nice to meet you!" Roman smiled, holding out his finger for Patton to grab and shake. His entire hand circled around one finger.

"I think he likes you" Logan added softly, picking up Patton and setting him in Roman's arms. Patton loved being held by anyone and everyone, he thrived off the physical affection and absolutely adored the attention. He practically immediately wrapped his arms around the stranger, mumbling various incorrect versions of his name as he tried to add it to his limited vocabulary. (New words were coming everyday, even if he didn't know what they meant. Yesterday he learned 'kitty' after watching monsters inc) 

"I think I like him too" he whispered. When Emile walked into the kitchen, Roman moved himself and Patton onto the couch, resting his head against Logan's shoulder as he bounced Patton up and down. "I like this. I like that you're a dad now.. " Patton started to wiggle himself out of Roman's grip, crawling to the floor to beat at some blocks with letters on them. 

"Well" Logan smiled fondly, leaning over and tilting Roman's chin gently with his index finger "I think you'd make a pretty great dad too" he kissed him softly, the action being more smiles than anything.

This was what Roman wanted, and was afraid he'd never get. Forgiveness. The promise that he hadn't ruined this too, that they could start over with a kid and soon a new apartment, a new family… that despite everything he was still loved. 

Unconditionally. 

One year later

“Papa Roman look!” Patton bounced, holding up painting of the three of them, plus their pet cat virgil. He smiled a mostly toothless grin as he proudly displayed his work. In all reality, the construction paper had barely recognizable blobs of color and some scribbles vaguely forming the shape of the 3 and a black splotch of paint labeled 'virgil ' . 

“Look at that!” Roman proudly proclaimed, hoisting up Patton and setting him on the counter beside him “aren't you just a little artist!” Patton nodded his head,  happily kicked his legs against the counter. He made small grabby hands towards the empty bowl of cake batter, still not fantastic at forming sentences to ask for what wants . Roman chuckled and held up the spoon, holding it in front of him before pulling it back.

“Say please,” he instructed.

“Please!” Patton giggled, pulling on Roman's apron, smiling widely when he received the spoon. 

“What do we say?” Roman added, watching Patton smear the chocolate batter on his face in an attempt to fit the entire mixing spoon in his mouth.

“Thank you!” he added around the spoon. A door opened in the adjacent living room, and Roman silently congratulated himself for not flinching too hard. He felt their cat virgil rub itself against his leg, asking silently to be lifted and pet, he was a lot like the actual virgil, always wanting attention, causing trouble, managing to find the weirdest places to nap. Roman had a conspiracy that the cat actually was virgil, Logan told him that was nonsense.

“Daddy!” Patton called, hopping off the counter and falling to the floor, legs trembling slightly as he stood up and continued to run to Logan standing by the door.

 “Greetings, Patton,” Logan smiled, lifting his son into his arms with a small grunt of effort “hello Roman.” this has become routine for the pair. Once the dust had settled, court cases fought, and funerals had, they had done everything in their power to make life as normal as possible for themselves, and Patton. That didn't stop it from hurting, they both still woke up from night terrors from that day, week,hell the whole month. They both know that it'll never completely go away, that that pain and hurt and trauma will still be there underneath it all but for now they had a kid to raise and the therapy and medication emile helped them get set up sure was helping. 

“You’re home early,” Roman smiled, leaning up to give Logan a small kiss as he walked through the kitchen. Logan had, understandably, quit his job as a detective, moving instead to work some nameless desk job. Roman had started working from home, finding it easier to handle emotionally after everything that happened, plus giving him a chance to finally get to know Patton. 

Logan began to rant and ramble about his time with his boss and coworkers,why he was home early, the traffic on the way there, and something in Roman's head clicked about how much of a dad he looked like. Holding his child, standing in the kitchen of their own, virgil now trying to find a way on top of the fridge and the sun shining through the window above the sink and the smell of chocolate cake slowly filling the kitchen. 

It was the life he'd always wanted, and the life Logan had always wanted to provide. When he met ethan, he was promised a life of luxury- high celings, epensive clothes, sex, and money. But looking back this was all he wanted. A Modest apartment with a kid and Logan, and an engagement ring on his finger, this time one he was asked, not told to wear.

This was exactly where he wanted to be, this was the happy ending hed always imagined in his head.

“Are you alright Roman?” Logan's voice pierced through his thoughts, setting Patton down on the floor beside him to cup his face in his hands. 

“Yeah,” he smiled, sniffing softly. “I'm okay." there was a whisper of hope on the tip of his tounge.

"I'm okay."

@cataclysm-al @knightinsoftpastels @intruality-fusion @katie-the-noble-fangirl @whizzie72 @grayson-22 @i-have-n0-idea-what-im-d0ing @winterwonderland7669 @missieluvsmurder @sign-from-god-complex @dragonindigo245 @angryfanboyscreaming @ninja-wizard101 @sombraookami @crystalistrappedintheinternet @imtooaromanticforthis @why-should-i-tell-youu2 @dragon-hair @satanblessi @spookilyfingergunsoutofexistence @skruffy901 @selectivereality @nonbeenary-enbee @imbasicallyshakespear @cats-vetal-miking-vomit @incoherentfangirl @oofmood @nonbinary-pineapple @royalnerd829 @idontgiveafuckaboutshit @magma-llama @chumo-cookie

Thank you for reading and from the bottom of my heart, i hoped you all enjoyed the experience

[just-for-cal]

She’s Jealous - [c.h]

word count: 2885 warnings: swearing summary: (y/n) reads some thirst tweets and gets a bit frustrated

(y/n) loved Calum, she always did and it’s likely that she always will.  Especially when she never plans to never act on these feelings.

So it felt unfair to her that she was getting so upset scrolling through Twitter.  Dozens upon dozens of fans thirsting over him.  The other boys too, but she only had narrowed eyes at the comments directed towards Calum.

“Whatcha lookin’ at?” Luke threw himself over the back of the sofa she was sat on, scooting close to her and looking onto her phone.  

The first thing he saw being an all caps message about Ashton’s arms, and something about choking.

“Jesus love, into Ash now are we?” He chuckled, but (y/n) glared at him.  “Alright, not in the mood for funny” Luke muttered to himself.

“Have you seen all these?” She asked him in a quiet voice, eyes still trained on her phone as she scrolled.

“Thirst tweets? I look sometimes, some of them are kinda funny”

(y/n) simply hummed, clearly that wasn’t the answer she was looking for.

“What’s got you all worked up? I thought you’d be agreeing with some of ‘em” Luke jabbed (y/n’s) side with his elbow, and she tried to force a smile, but her nerves seeped through.

“Everyone’s just so… so into him,” She explained, and before she could keep reading, Luke took her phone, and closed the app.  “I feel like maybe it diminishes my chances even further”

“Your chances? Please, (y/n/n), you’ve got the biggest head start of all chances, it’s less of a chance more of a, eh, hundred percent guarantee”

The girl just rolled her eyes at Luke’s words.  He always tried to convince her of how he thought Calum returned her feelings, but she never felt that way.  He always seemed glued to their platonic relationship, so she never acted on the feelings she’d harbored for so long.

“I’m not kiddin’ babe,” Luke told her.  “Ya should hear what he says about you when you’re not around, he loves to talk about you”

(y/n) blushed, but she still shook her head and took her phone back from his hands.

“Thanks, Luke,” She sighed, and smoothed out her skirt before standing.  “Are you coming out tonight?”

“Yeah I’ll tag along,” He said and stood up with her, outstretching his arms.  (y/n) chuckled quietly, stepping into his arms and letting him hug her tight.  “Besides, I'm already all done up, can’t cancel now”

She was laughing when she pulled away, smiling to see he has in fact put on a shimmery eyeshadow to change up his usual leather jacket and jeans look.  Even going so far as to put on his heeled boots.

When she looked away, Calum was coming down the stairs, but he stopped at the bottom and just stared at her.  He looked frozen, lips parted, eyes set on her.  (y/n) crinkled her brows as though to silently ask if he was alright.  

“Wow,” He mumbled, finally walking over to her and his best friend.  She still looked confused.  “You look amazin’ sunshine”

“Oh,” She chuckled nervously, ducking her head down and pushing her hair behind her ear.  Luke rolled his eyes and left the room, unable to handle all the pent up tension that had filled it.  “You had me worried there for a sec”

Calum grinned at her, this girl he’d had in his life now for a few years and couldn’t ever get a long enough look at.  She was blushing under his gaze, and it only made him smile more.

“You ready for dinner?” He asked, and she nodded, letting him guide her to the front door.

Luke was there waiting, looking at his phone and chuckling to himself.  Mike and Ashton were planning to meet them at the restaurant, and we’re probably already there.

“What’s so funny?” Calum asked, and Luke showed him he was on Twitter.

“These thirst tweets about you, they're hilarious”

Calum blinked in surprise, not having expected that response, at all, and looked to (y/n) with raised brows before back at Luke.

“Why...?”

“Cause she was lookin’ at ‘em earlier, and I wanted to know what the big deal was.  These are great!”

Calum looked at (y/n) again, a smirk on his lips to know that she’d read thirst tweets about him.  But before he could make a cocky comment, Luke spoke up again.

“(y/n/n) you’re in this one,” Luke snickered as he read one, and then proceeded to read it out loud.  “It’s a retweet of a pic of Calum, zoomed in on his thighs, and it says ‘@(your handle) sure is one lucky chick, i bet @CalumHood lets her ride his thighs whenever she wants’ can you believe that?”

If she hadn’t been blushing before, she certainly was now.

Luke was laughing his ass off, all the while (y/n) avoided looking directly at Calum, who was staring at her.

“Alright, on that note, let's get going,” Cal suggested, letting Luke out so he could walk with (y/n), his hand resting on the small of her back.  When she looked up at him, he leaned a bit closer.  “We’ll talk about why you were reading thirst tweets about me later” He told her quietly.

(y/n) winced.

Dinner went by well, besides the fact that Calum had his arm slung around the booth behind (y/n’s) shoulder, his fingertips grazing her shoulder every now and then.  But no one said anything about it.

“So, (y/n/n), you comin’ back to the house after dinner?” Ash asked.  She began to shake her head, but Calum spoke up for her.

“Yeah, we’re all gonna chill back at the house,” He said, his hand caressing softly over her shoulder now.  “Probably watch a movie or something if that sounds good to you guys?”

“Yeah that sounds great” Ashton agreed.

While the other boys proceeded out of the booth to head to the car, (y/n) shot Calum a look.

“What are you doing? I can’t hang out tonight, I have class in the morning, that’s why we did dinner instead-“

“That’s really too bad, love, because you and I need to have a bit of a talk, don’t we?”

She raised her brows at his bold comment, but didn’t argue with him again.  Simply followed next to him out of the restaurant.

She continued to stare at him, waiting for him to give her some sort of sign of what was going on in his head.  Clearly something had happened, but he wasn’t budging at all.  The only sliver of a sign he offered was pulling her in close to him when they got in the back of Luke’s car.  Which only made (y/n) more anxious for answers, because it was now obvious to Luke that something was up.

Ash and Mike were already at the house when Luke pulled in, and everyone went in together, deciding on drinks and just hanging out and chatting.  (y/n) didn’t understand why Calum needed her to stick around for this, but she wasn’t going to question him in front of everyone.

She was sat curled up on one end of the sofa, and surprisingly, it was Ashton next to her, not Calum.  And Luke on the other side of Ashton.

Calum was in his own seat in a recliner, sat upright and solid, completely isolated from the group.  Michael was also sat alone in a similar chair, but still made the effort to join in on the laughter and conversation.

At this point, (y/n) was not only confused, but a little pissed off.

She took a long swig of her beer, gave Calum a pointed look, and then excused herself to the kitchen for another drink.  Where she waited for him to show up just seconds later.

“You alright love?” He asked as he strolled into the kitchen, words sweet, but voice cocky.  (y/n) crossed her arms as she leaned back against the counter.

“What the hell is up with you? You drag me back here with the guys because you need to talk to me, and then ignore me, when you know I shouldn’t even be here in the first place-”

“Babe,” Calum cut off her irritated rambling, and she gawked a bit at the pet name, but before she could continue, he took a large stride forward, practically caging her in against the kitchen counter.  “Why are you so upset?” He asked, feigning concern as he leaned in even closer to her.  His lips brushed the shell of her ear as he spoke again, hands on either side of her on the counter, now actually keeping her their against him.  “Why are you so tense, angel?”

(y/n) pushed herself further back into the counter, trying to put some space between their bodies as their eyes met again.  There was a coy smirk on his lips, telling her he knew exactly what he was doing, messing with her like this.

“Was it all those tweets you were reading, babe?” He asked, and she liked her lips, suddenly they felt very dry.  Calum chuckled as he caught the action.  “I knew it”

“What do you think you’re doing?” She asked him breathlessly.

“Didn’t you want to have that talk now? That is why you wanted me to follow you in here isn’t it?” Calum asked, and the irritation in her eyes dissipated into something else he recognized all too well, just not so much on her.  

Lust.

“Did all those thirst tweets from random girls make you a bit jealous baby?” He cooed, hands finding her hips and sliding just a bit under the hem of her shirt, just enough to run the rough pads of his fingers over her skin.  He cocked an eyebrow at her, telling her he was impatient for her answer.

“Maybe,” She murmured out, unable to find her voice due to his distracting touch.  “Just a little bit”

“Really?” Calum chuckled, letting one of his hands trail from her waist to cup just under her jaw, pulling her in closer.  He was leaning over considerably by reason of their height difference.  “I can tell when you lie (y/n), we’ve been friends for years” His ring clad fingers ran delicately down her throat.

When he leaned forward, her eyes fell shut, and a chill ran down her spine as his lips brushed over hers.  It almost seemed unintentional, but (y/n) knew full well that Calum was in absolute control of what he was doing.

“We should get back to our friends before they come looking for us” Calum practically muttered into her mouth, stepping back a bit to leave the room.

Before he could, her small hands grasped the collar of his leather jacket, pulling him back in against her and connecting their lips in a desperate and passionate kiss.  Like her life depended on it, she’d never thought twice about kissing him, she just knew that she needed to before he could leave.

Calum reacted immediately, kissing her back with fervor, his hands setting back on her hips so he could lift her up and set her on the counter.  Her skirt rode up a bit, but she didn’t have a care about it.  Their kiss broke for a moment as she readjusted to be comfortable, but he didn’t let her do much before tugging her right back into his chest, neck craning down to meet her lips again in a fiery kiss.  She tasted of alcohol and her strawberry chapstick and he was addicted to it upon contact, each kiss more desperate than the last, until she was panting against him in silent plea for more.

“Cal,” She murmured his name out softly as he hiked her legs up his hips, so that he could run his hands under her bare thighs and hold her securely against him.  He trailed a few kisses along her jaw, making her tilt her head back in bliss.

He pulled away, eyes flickering over her features and taking a moment to fully appreciate her in this state.  Her eyes were shut, long lashes casting small shadows over her cheekbones.  Lips swollen and pink because of him.  She looked like a piece of art like this.

(y/n’s) eyes opened when she realized he wasn’t about to kiss her again, and a blush settled on her cheeks as she found him staring at her.  She bit down on her bottom lip to keep from smiling too wide and looking like a dork.

“What?” She murmured after he’d just stared for long enough.  Calum shook his head, smiling one of his infamously happy grins, his eyes crinkling and his teeth on display as he looked at her.

“I just love you so damn much, I don’t know why you’d ever be jealous of a stranger, angel” He murmured, a hand cupping her cheek.  She wasn’t sure how he’d gone from irresistibly sexy to adorable and sweet in a matter of seconds, but it didn’t matter, because her heart was swelling beyond maximum capacity and the smile she’d tried to hold back broke free.

“You love me?” She asked, even though he’d said to her clear as day, she needed to know that her mind wasn’t playing tricks on her right now.

“Course I do sunshine, you’re my best girl, always have been” He said, shrugging his shoulder and cocking his head to the side.  (y/n) smiled at him, her hands finally releasing their death grip on his collar to take his face in her small palms, gently guiding him down to kiss his lips softly.  Gentle, and pure, and sweet.

She kept her forehead pressed against his, her hands still holding him close even as their lips parted.

“That’s how I should’ve kissed you the first time,” She whispered to him.  “After a date, all nervous like”

Calum chuckled softly, his hands taking her own and his lips brushing the back of them both before cupping her face in his hands, and kissing her sweetly, as she did him.

“I love you too,” She murmured between small kisses.  “I love you too” She repeated, their noses bumping a bit as their lips met again in a slightly more sloppy kiss.

“Hey where’s the- woah hey!”

Calum and (y/n) pulled apart upon hearing Michael’s surprised words from what he’d walked in on.  The bassist swiftly pulled down her skirt from where it had ridden up pretty high on her thighs, and gave his friend an awkward nod of acknowledgement.

“Guys! They finally did it!” Michael hollered into the living room.

(y/n) sighed, giving Calum a bashful and apologetic look before she slid off the counter she’d been sitting on.  Luke and Ashton came rushing in, one with his arms up in cheers, and the other staring wide eyed and gawking just at the close proximity of Calum and (y/n).

“It’s February, you guys owe me twenty, I guessed the closest!” Luke hollered at the other two.

“You bet on us?” (y/n) asked.

“Luke, you guessed January, it doesn’t count ‘cause it passed.  Ash wins, he guessed May” Michael ignored (y/n’s) comment, while fumbling for his wallet to pay Ashton.

“But I was closest,” Luke argued.  “Doesn’t matter if it happened past my guess, my guess was still closest-”

“Hold on, hold on,” Calum spoke up, taking the twenty dollar bill from Michael before Ashton, or Luke, could.  “You guys are not paying each other over (y/n) and I getting together”

“We’re together?” (y/n) asked softly from next to him.

“Course we are baby,” Calum winked over at her.  “If you’ll have me, but give me a moment,” He turned back to his friends, holding up the money.  “(y/n/n’s) got classes in the morning, so we are taking this, I’m taking her home, and we’re using your money to get her breakfast for the morning”

“Fine,” Luke muttered.  “Congratulations by the way, I knew you two would crack”

“Crack?” Calum muttered, but shook his head, deciding he didn’t want much more of an explanation.  “Okay, we’re gonna head out, ready?” He asked (y/n), who nodded and took his offered hand so he’d lead her out of the house.

“Don’t forget to carry the bride over the threshold!” Luke hollered before they could be out of earshot.

Calum turned to (y/n), squeezing her hand and kissing her temple.

“When’s your last class tomorrow?” He asked, and she thought for a moment.

“I should be finished up by two,” She answered.  “Why, you free?”

He giggled, actually giggled at her response, and nodded his head.

“I say we go on that date you were talking about earlier,” He suggested, opening the passenger door of the car for her.  She hummed and got in, Cal quickly closing the door and getting in on the driver’s side.  “Well? Am I taking you out tomorrow?” He asked, and she grinned, nodding and leaning over the center console to meet his lips in a kiss.

“You sure as hell are” She agreed, and Calum grinned before kissing her again.

They should have done this long ago.

xoxo ~ jordie

[angrylizardjacket]

when i said it i thought it was true [4] {Ben Hardy}

A/N: 2973 words. Listen, I massaged the timeline a little bit, just suspend your disbelief, perhaps it only takes 4 months to be in post production. Also yes I know X-Men didn’t actually film in Egypt, but I didn’t know that at the start of this fic and now I’m sticking with my mistakes because momma didn’t raise a quitter but she did raise a fool.

[part 1] [part 2] [part 3]

“You’re not proposing to me in a sheer shirt.” The moment the makeup team leaves, you turn on Ben, amusement tugging at your lips as you cross your arms, cocking your hip.

“You don’t like it?” He asked, the picture of innocence as he fiddles with the cuff of his jacket. You raise a singular eyebrow. “I think you do like it.” He hummed, a mischievous sparkle in his eye. When you refuse to break eye contact, your silence is answer enough. “I think you like it a lot.” 

It’s been almost a four months since shooting officially wrapped, two since you’d filmed the last of the pick up shots they’d needed, and a full month since you and Ben seen each other in person; you’d been busy with a Netflix series, and Ben had been in talks about a new project, and you’d been messaging every day but seeing each other in person is... well there’s something different. Playful. Easy. Somehow neither of you seem worried about the looming proposal, and are just making up for lost time.

“Love, you’ve gotta take it up with the stylist, not me.” He shrugged, as if helpless, and turned, making his way to the door, knowing without even looking that you’ll be following behind him. He’s chipper, brimming with excitement and looking damn good, and once he gets to the elevator and pushes the button, he offers you his arm while he waits.

“Marry me.” He says it suddenly, watching the numbers of the elevator tick up to your floor. There’s no-one around, and the ring is still in his pocket.

“What?” With a frown, you step into the elevator, and press the button for the lobby, still tucked up against him.

“What if we just show up engaged?” He asks, hand in his pocket where he’s fiddling with the ring box. He’s not nervous, just contemplative.

“And deprive Swarovski of their moment?” You scoffed, and he tipped his head to look at you, eyebrows raised in exasperated amusement.

“I know you hate the ring, ‘too gaudy, too ostentatious by half’, isn’t that what you said?” He snickers after doing as half decent imitation of you. Giving him a shove, you duck your head to hide your embarrassed smile.

“It’s so ‘look at me! Look at me!’” You huff, and he can’t help but laugh at that. The sound of it, in person rather than over Skype, made you feel, for lack of a better phrase, like you were home. Not that there really was a better phrase, you just didn’t want to think about or admit how much you’d missed him.

“Sorry to say, dude, but there’s nothing more ‘look at me! Look at me!’ than a red carpet proposal.” And yeah, okay, maybe he had a point, but that was one night, you had to wear that ring until... they hadn’t told you the DVD release date, but you’re pretty sure it was some time in the New Year. When you bring this up, he just rolls his eyes. “You’re not the one getting down on one knee for a fake proposal; I’m gonna look like an idiot when this is all over.” 

“Well fine, if you’re so worried, I’ll propose.” Instead of dwelling on his words, you step away, holding your hand out expectantly. When he just stares at you, bewildered, you motion for him to hand the ring box over, and he finally cracks a grin, shaking his head.

“If you think I’m gonna be caught dead in that ring you’re wrong.” He spluttered, and you can’t help but laugh at that.

“Fine, I won’t take your first proposal away from you.” You hum with a smile, tucking yourself back against him. He goes very quiet. It takes you a few moments, but you look up at him, brow furrowed. He seems lost in his own thoughts. “It- Ben you’ve never been engaged before, I feel like I’d know if you had been.” Your words snap him out of his trance and he looks at you with wide, bright eyes, and an unconvincing smile.

“Yeah, no, I would have told you by now otherwise.” The silence that falls around you in not a comfortable one, and you’re glad when the elevator comes to a stop. “I got close once, though.” He admits, quietly. You don’t know how to respond to that; you hadn’t considered how much those words would hurt. You want to ask with who, but you already felt an unreasonable rush of jealousy at the thought of someone else stealing his heart enough for him to want to be with them forever. Unreasonable jealousy.

Filming for X-Men started a week ago and he’s only called you once; he’s on a film lot somewhere in Canada and his hair is curly and god he looks cute but the apartment feels so empty. He’s bright eyed and excited. He’s rambling about how busy he is, and he’s still wearing his makeup. The call lasts five minutes; the cast are going out for dinner. You tell him to have fun, but you’re heart’s not in it; he can sense it, and promises to call you tomorrow, before he hangs up.

He doesn’t call, part of you isn’t surprised.

“Marry me.” He asks again, voice low in your ear. The others in the car can’t hear him, but part of you is afraid they might. They don’t technically know it’s not a real relationship, though part of you thinks Gwilym has his doubts, not that he’d ever voice them.

“Not the time.” You shoot him a warning look, and he just slings an arm around you, leaning back in his seat. 

“You’ll regret not letting me be low-key about it.” He warns in return, giving you a blithe smile, and you narrow your eyes at him.

“Low-key about what?” Lucy asks, and you elbow Ben in the ribs. He keeps smiling, though his mischievousness slides to something more fond as he actually looks at you.

“About anything.” You say by way of explanation, and though she, along with the rest of the car, still look confused, they don’t push it. There’s reporters everywhere when you get out of the car, and you and Ben are the last ones out.

“Last chance before this becomes a spectacle.” He murmurs when he steps out after you, straightening the back of your dress just a little, and he sounds amused, but there’s something genuine in his voice, and you take a moment to pause, turning back to him. His hands land on your hips, his touch light, and his expression is so familiar it hurts, and you realise he is a little nervous; it’s a very public setting for what should be a very private matter. With cameras going off all around you, you pull him in for a kiss, and he relaxes somewhat, kissing you back with his grip tightening on your hips.

“We’re being paid to be a spectacle.” You remind him, and he nods, smiling softly, and the two of you make your way down the red purple carpet together. You have to stop every few feet to do interviews, and soon enough you had pulled ahead of Ben; he had a much larger part in the film that you did, it wasn’t surprising the reporters wanted to monopolise him. It still felt strange, to turn and not have him there. Sometimes you’d do interviews with the other boys, sometimes he’ll be there, and as the main photo area loomed, you could finally feel the butterflies in your stomach.

Soon.

Perhaps too soon.

“What do you mean you’re going to Egypt?” You snapped, wishing your internet connection was better so he could see you glaring clearly.

“I told you about it ages ago.” Ben sighs, clearly tired. It’s there in his eyes, how drained he is, how hard he’s been working, and your expression softens.

“That’s exciting,” you force yourself to take a breath, it was the first time you two had spoken that fortnight, neither of you needed this to be hostile. The days had started feeling so long when you don’t hear from him; all you want is a damn hug and he’s on the other side of the world. “What if I come visit you?”

“In Egypt?” He asks, eyebrows raised.

“In Egypt.” You confirm, a weak smile on your face, he doesn’t look thrilled by the process.

“Don’t bother.” He sighs, and the moment he sees your expression fall, he realises how his words had sounded, and he’s sitting up straight, panicked look on his face, spluttering his way through an apology. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m just busy and it’s going to be hot and-”

“No, I get it.” Your dejected sigh was followed by a yawn, and you hovered over the end call button. “When you’re less tired I think we should talk.” You tell him, and you see the confusion, fear, and resignation pass over his face in quick succession.

He agrees quietly, and neither of you really say goodbye before hanging up.

He was tapping on your shoulder as you were halfway through talking to E! News, and you’ve never been more anxious and excited in your life, and never so thankful to not be at the main photo area on a red carpet. His timing was perfect.

“So sorry, could I borrow Y/N for a minute?” He smiles charmingly at the reporter, and his expression softens when he sees the relief in your eyes. 

Before he even starts, it feels off, feels wrong, feels like a performance for the cameras more than anything else. 

“Don’t get teary on me, I know how hard your makeup artists worked.” He begins, and you make sure the cameras catch your surprised confusion. He’s takes one of your hands in his, linking your finger together, and the other holds your face. There’s a moment that passes between you two, his expression softens as he looks in your eyes and it’s as if he’s looking past everything that had happened, the whole setup you’d found yourself in; he was seeing you. 

“This is probably the biggest night of my life,” he starts, taking a deep breath, “for more than one reason; you’re my best friend, you’ve been there for some of the highest points in my life, and some of the lowest. I know you, Y/N, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life, and I want to. I want you there by my side for the rest of it,” it sounds... so much more planned out than you’d expected, so much more heartfelt, and you’d be damned if there weren’t tears in your eyes. Despite the fact that this very private moment had a huge audience, which included a reporter muttering ‘holy shit, is this what I think it is?’, you could only see him. Damn if it didn’t feel real.

“I love you; I’ve loved your since-” his voice catches in his throat, and you see a hint of pain flash across his face before he’s smiling again, “since I first saw you in that damn wig they put you in,” it sounds like an addendum, like he doesn’t really mean it, or like it’s not the whole truth, but it’s enough to make you laugh, and when you look down to hide your embarrassed smile, your tears fall from your eyes, “since you agreed to all of this,” he gestures to himself with a self-deprecating grin, though his double meaning is not lost on you, though his expression turns serious after a moment, “since I first kissed you on set, though that feels like a long time ago.” Your breath catches in your throat, and he sounds like he hadn’t mean to say that last part, his voice too raw, his heart too honest for it to be a truly fake statement. You can do little more than whisper his name in reverence. Gently, so gently, he lifts your head, his thumb wiping the tear track from your cheek. 

“Marry me?” It’s a question this time, and when you look at him with confusion, disbelief written on your face at the way he chose to word it, he laughs softly, sinking to one knee and pulling out the ring box, and revealing the single most frivolous ring you’d ever had the displeasure of seeing. “Will you marry me?” He corrects softly.

The crowd behind you is going absolutely mad behind you, and cameras are going off at an almost blinding rate, but his eyes don’t leave yours. Nodding, you can’t even form words, so caught up in the moment, and he stands, pulling you into a kiss. The flash of cameras surround you like a sea of stars and Ben’s the only thing keeping you on solid ground. His grip is tight enough that he almost lifts you off the ground, and you’re on your tiptoes with his arms around you before his grip loosens, his hands sliding down the small of your back, and for the first time since this whole fake relationship began, he doesn’t hesitate before he deepens the kiss. He tastes like mint and you’re so glad you’re wearing that twenty-four hour lipstick or you know you’d be a mess, and when you pull back, you’re both out of breath, looking at each other with a something akin to awe in your eyes.

You’re pretty sure, in this moment, you love him; nothing fake about it. And you can see it in his eyes that he loves you too. This is dangerous territory for you both.

Stepping back, he takes your hands again.

“I told you not to cry, love.” He laughs gently, voice so soft as you dab at your eyes with your right hand, watching as he slides the ring onto the ring finger of your left hand.

“What can I say, you have a way with words; how long were you working on that speech.” You sniffle, grinning brightly as you examine the ring, still holding his hand. After a beat too long of silence, you look up to see him smiling softly at you.

“A while.” He admits, and something about the way he says it makes your chest ache. The moment passes and he looks down at your joined hands. “That’s fucking hideous.” He whispers, shaking his head at the sight of the ring, and you giggle, preferring to throw your arms around him, kissing him again.

The two of you are the last two to arrive at the formal photo area, with the logo backdrop, and Joe’s grin is confused where he greets you both at the edge of where everyone was in a line getting a group shot.

“What was all the commotion over there?” He asked quietly, and Ben stepped into position easily, slipping an arm around Joe’s shoulders and pulling you in. You were still beaming, you couldn’t help yourself.

“We got engaged.” Ben murmurs to Joe, careful not to draw attention to them, which was immediately counteracted by Joe’s loud ‘What the fuck?!’ “Calm down, man, we didn’t want to take all the focus off of the premiere, you know?” 

As soon as the big group shot was taken, you stepped off to the side as the four boys had their photos taken, and you could see Joe murmuring to the others, while Ben just smiled for the cameras and tried not to blush.

Photos were taken with Brian and Roger, of Rami and Lucy, and even some of you and Ben, and when you posed, you both had an arm around each other, and you leaned into him, resting your hand on his chest with your ring on clear display.

There’s congratulations all around as you’re heading into the theatre, but the biggest shock of the night comes in the form of Roger Taylor wrapping you up in a hug while you’re still glowing with pride.

“Before we go in, I want you to know you did an incredible job, dear. You’re a stunning performer and I never had any doubts about you.” As he says it, you can feel Ben give your hand a gentle squeeze. You’re pretty sure you’ve got shock written all over your face. “I’m very proud of you both.” He claps Ben on the shoulder, and Ben thanks him quietly. It looks as though he’s about to head in, but he turns back. “Be good to her, you hear?” He says to Ben sternly, but there’s a glimmer of fondness in his eyes, and Ben rolls his eyes good-naturedly. He’s still holding your hand.

“What was that?” You breathed as soon as Roger had left; you feel like you’ve been doused in cold water, though you can’t help but smile.

“Well I think he definitely approves of you playing Amanda.” Ben moves to wrap an arm around you as the two of you head into the theatre, searching for your seats. “And I think... I think he gave us his blessing?” That sounds more confused than anything else, and you don’t know how to respond one way or the other, apart from softly laughing as you sit down next to Lucy. Part of you, the largest part that had stayed sane and not drunk on this fake engagement, is pretty sure Roger’s going to be the hardest to break it to, when everything’s over; part of you worries that without Ben, you’ll lose his approval, which you didn’t realise you’d been craving until you’d received it. There’s an anxiety that builds in your chest as the lights go down, but Ben’s hand is in yours and you lean your head on his shoulder, and you can ignore that little worry for now.

the rat pack: @hotspacedeacon @strangeandwonderfulconcepts @itssaje @d-r-e-a-m-catchme @callumidiot @rockandrollandshit @bohorap @pietrorunsforme @sweetfierceimagines @itsjackothy @mhftrs @sherlockiantheatrenerd @softbenhardy @multifandomgirlrandomstuff @virtualsheepeat @smile-nine @i-padfootblack-things @deaconsroger @spookyfrances @holyurlbatman @your-idiotic-excellency @cosmicsskies @chlobo6 @screaminggalileochickenwrites

(crossed out means it wouldn’t tag; i’ll try again for the next part, lemme know if you wanna be tagged xx)

[sunlitroom]

Gotham – s5e05 – Pena Dura

 As I watched it, and some random observations here and there.

Previously on Gotham:

Selina went stab stabbity stab. Alfred told Bruce he can’t save Selina from herself.  Ed woke up on a rooftop.  Jim gave speech #357 on the value of hope. Then Haven exploded, proving that hope can only do so much against an RPG. Jim’s been promised help for weeks!  He also won’t stop until he finds who’s responsible for Haven.  Ed was responsible for Haven, albeit in a weird trance-like state.  Jim stared at the charred remains of Haven.

As always, long post will be long.  There are likely to be rambling digressions. Gobblepot might appear (although I welcome all shippers and non-shippers alike :)).  There will be naked favouritism and naked not-favouritism.  Broader comments at the end on plotlines and parallels and general direction.

In a church, a man is watching an old black and white film.  From what I can figure out from the actors involved and the character names, it’s a George Brent film called Tangier Incident.  It’s not a particularly interesting film.  He is, however, in a good creepy film called The Spiral Staircase, which I recommend.

Anyway

Jim and Harvey approach him, guns drawn, and ask him turn around.  Apparently, he’s the one who sold the RPGs.  He seems pretty unimpressed by them, and rather insolently asks if they’re going to arrest him.

Jim says he wants a name. Old film guy addresses some unseen minions

What do you say boys?  You wanna show the lawman how we feel about uninvited guests?

No-one is backing down. The stand-off is broken up by the arrival of lots of large people dropping through the stained-glass ceiling, who promptly take the thugs out.

While this is happening, Jim wrestles the weapons dealer/film enthusiast.  He still wants a name.  The fight is pretty even until the old guy is shot in the head.

We now get a slow-motion shot of shiny army boots approaching to some foreboding music.  Jim rises, frowning in confusion as shiny boots man removes the mask covering his face.

Eduardo?

Nice shot right?

We get the military music we last had with Barnes to let us know that Jim likely met this man in the army. His men are still pointing guns, one at Harvey, so he tells them stand down.

Jim asks Eduardo what he’s doing here.  He tells Jim he last saw him running through sniper fire to save him from a burning truck.

Jim claims he had the old guy where he wanted him – but he’s glad he’s here. Eduardo says he is too

 They wander through the church chatting. Jim tells Harvey they hated each other in boot camp. Jim thought Eduardo did things too fast, while Eduardo thought Jim was too careful.

A sarcastic Harvey says that Jim’s taught him a thing or two about being careful.  

Jim and Eduardo lapse into military jargon – talking about the mission plan. Eduardo says that they’re helping Walker (the woman Jim’s been talking to on the radio). They’ve to make this hellhole safe.

Jim, disgruntled, comments that all it apparently took for them to be sent help was the murder of hundreds.  Eduardo says they’ve to remove all criminal elements and make the city safe.  He introduces his second in command, who hands Jim a ledger they’ve found.  On it – we see Ed’s name against two RPGs.

Jim turns to Harvey. He and Eduardo will go after Ed. Harvey is to set up a command centre at GCPD.  Harvey protests.

I’m not as fast as I used to be, but I still got some fight in me. I’m not some desk jockey – I’m a street guy

Jim says Harvey’s the best cop he knows.  Ed tends to think ahead.  If this goes sideways, Harvey will need to take over.

I need your help buddy

Harvey nods.

GCPD where Bruce runs into Alfred.  Alfred tells him Jim isn’t there – they’ve got a strong lead in the Haven bombing. He asks Bruce what’s wrong.

Bruce tells him worriedly that he can’t find Selina anywhere. Alfred replies that Selina is capable of looking after herself.  Bruce says that she’s not herself, though.   Alfred pulls a face and tells him that Jeremiah deserved to die.  A resentful and upset Bruce says that Jeremiah made Selina a murderer – just like Ra’s did him.

(An aside.  Much like Alfred, I don’t really have a problem with Selina stabbing Jeremiah.  But this is only one of many times this episode will get a bit forgetful.  Selina was a murderer before she killed Jeremiah, Bruce.   You were there when she shoved that guy out the window.  Not that I really have any time for Alfred’s ex-army friend who stabbed him and robbed you – but Jeremiah wasn’t the first time she’s killed)

Alfred quibbles this, claiming that Ra’s goaded Bruce into murder, but Selina did what she did with open eyes

And you’ve got to learn to respect that son

Bruce wants to find her, though, and leaves – as Alfred watches.

(An aside - Eh.  On one hand, yes – Selina can make her own decisions.  She has autonomy.  On the other hand – Selina did what she did while still struggling to cope with the trauma of Jeremiah shooting her.   Alfred excusing Bruce but condemning Selina – even though he agrees Jeremiah needed to be removed – doesn’t really sit well with me.  On top of all that – Selina’s endangered herself for Bruce on a number of occasions, gone out of her way to help him, in fact.  She’s clearly not coping now – and leaving her to her own devices seems off to me.)

In the library, we see Ed listening to his blackout recordings.  He howls with frustration, unable to establish a pattern.

It makes no sense!

He catches sight of himself in a nearby mirror

You're not a murderer, Ed.  Except Kristin Kringle, and Officer Doherty.

He goes on

But all those people.  And children. How could you do it?  Why?

He roars

It doesn't matter – it’s you - not me

(An aside.  This is really a bit of a mess.  So.  Am I to assume that Ed is being a massive hypocrite, and selectively editing his criminal record?  Or am I to assume that Ed differentiates between murders committed by Ed and those committed by The Riddler?  Maybe, that doesn’t really work here – since some of these were committed before he discovered that persona.  Besides – wasn’t one of the features of his ‘becoming’ his personalities becoming fused?  Or are the writers choosing to forget some of Ed’s other murders?  Who knows.)

Hearing a sound, he turns. It’s Jim and Eduardo – who have arrived to arrest him.  He holds his hands up defensively.

No - Jim - I can explain

Jim is taken aback.

Explain?  You son of a bitch - you actually did it?

(Interesting. Although Ed’s name was in the ledger, Jim doesn’t seem to have thought that Ed was truly responsible – or didn’t want to believe it might be true.)

Eduardo tells Ed to get on his knees.  That’s three Eds in this show now – not counting Ed’s many personalities.  For reference, if they’re all ever in the same scene, the dog is Ed1, the lanky green one is Ed2, and beardy army guy is Ed3.

Ed protests, and says he didn't – but he needs a little bit of time

Eduardo is still pointing his gun – and tells Jim to just say the word.

Ed pleads.  You know me, Jim.  People that I have...hurt - they hurt me first

(Eh? There are multiple gif sets going around which show how ridiculous this remark is.  Ed’s hurt plenty of people just because he wanted to.)

I didn't know a single person in Haven

Eduardo glances at Jim

Your call, buddy – he basically confessed

Ed watches carefully as Jim thinks and then decides,

Bring him in – he stands trial

We’re saying this again? What kind of court will this be? Who is the judge? ��Lawyers?  Jury?

Ed isn’t enthused by this. He touches a book from the bookcase. Eduardo is apparently standing on pressure-plated ied.  One twitch, and he’ll repaint the room with his organs.  He smiles.  

Jim points his gun. But apparently Ed has also devised some sort of watch that monitors changes in Ed’s heart rate if it deviates by more than 10 bpm up or down, and can cause an explosion - if necessary - from as far as a mile away. Whatever. Apparently, in a fit of sexual frustration after his recent contact with Lucius, Ed sublimated his lustful stirrings into an inventing binge.

Ed and Jim try and stare each other out a bit.  Jim says Ed will be a target once news of his guilt gets out.  Eduardo says he thinks Ed’s threats are bluffs.  Jim says Ed doesn’t bluff.  Well – there was the time with all the cops and the poison gas that turned out just to be sleeping gas, but - hey.  This episode is having severe difficulties remembering details, storyline, characterisation….take your pick.

Jim lets Ed leave. Summarising because this recap is lengthy – Jim uses his cat-like reflexes to leap across the room and finds the right book to free Eduardo – whose whole take on the puzzle is that he’d like

to wring this nerd’s neck

Jim gives him a welcome to Gotham.  Wanting to wring Ed’s neck is just part and parcel of visiting. He adds that the city grows on you, before contacting Harvey and telling him to put the word out: Ed is wanted for the attack on Haven

Bruce strides into Sirens, looking for Selina.  A fairly happy-looking Barbara leads him towards a booth.   With a flourish, she tells the crowd to raise their glasses for the killer of Jeremiah Valeska.  The crowd parts, and we see Selina sitting in a booth with a group of girls.  Is this the booth of Bruce’s downward spiral?  Is this the ‘I am having a long dark night of the soul’ booth?  Do you have to book ahead?  

Selina raises her glass, but her smile is more ironic than anything else.

(An aside. Barbara seemed happy.  It's hard to say whether having the killer of Jeremiah Valeska at her club is bring extra cachet, whether her one-night stand with Jim brought her some closure and happiness, or whether she and Jim are still having sex and she’s pleased about this.)

In some abandoned building, we hear a radio send out the message about Ed being wanted by the police.

A tall skinny man wearing a green suit and eyeglasses

They left out his BritPop hair.

Outside an angry mob gathers and chants.  We see Ed hiding from them, before slipping off.

 At City Hall, Oswald stands, flanked by his henchmen, as a visitor opens a box for him.  Whatever it is seems to make him happy – and he pays the man 200 bullets in return – telling him to go have fun and keep up the good work.  

As the man leaves – Oswald is brought a message

He reads aloud

Edward Nygma is the monster responsible for killing the innocents of Haven

Oswald looks incredulous for a moment, and then worried – wondering aloud,

Ed…what have you done?

The mob from earlier runs past.  Ed hides – but is walloped on the side of the head.

GCPD.  Eduardo tells Jim they’re pushing uptown – but there’s still no Nygma. He’s confident they’ll get him though.  He then asks Jim to tell him about Scarecrow.  Jim says his guys would need gasmasks – but taking him down would be a big one.

We’re on a sort of rural street.  We pan up Ed’s body.  I own those boots.  He’s unconscious and tied to some kind of deck chair.

An older blonde woman leans in towards his face.

Time to wake up!

Forgive me – American readers.  I can only tell that she sounds Southern, which I know isn’t very specific.

She tells Ed she’s the woman who will carry out his execution, along with her two boys – two men, who are sitting in a truck parked facing Ed.

They’ve basically created a makeshift electric chair.  There’s a lot of whooping and laughing as they give Ed a tester jolt.  He yells in pain, gasping when they stop.

The woman tells him that was only a taste.  It’s fair that Ed should die to pay for JoJo, who was in Haven when Ed blew it up.

She holds up a photograph. Ed seems afraid to look at it – then bursts into laughter when he sees it’s a dog.  For good measure – he calls the woman an anthropomorphizing nincompoop when she claimed that JoJo was happy and smiled often.

They give him another burst of electricity.  Ed hallucinates – seeing a spiteful Oswald telling him

I'm going to fix you, Ed

Ed blinks – confused. They jolt him again.  This time he sees a sincere Oswald, repeating the same phrase.

Everything stops when there’s some kind of fault with the electricity.  Ed quickly spots a way to trick them and escape.  In doing so – one of the men’s legs catch fire. As Ed runs off, he declares that he’ll fix Oswald.

 At City Hall, we hear distant explosions.  One of Oswald’s henchmen tells him that the army has invaded and men are heading this way. Oswald asks him if Nygma has been located – to which the man replies he has feelers out.  Oswald tells him the first man to find him gets to live.

Turning, he tells his dog he is surrounded by morons.  If he didn’t have his empire – he’d go get Nygma himself

(An aside – it’s actually something that has been frustrating about Oswald in later seasons. Season One Oswald was very mobile. He moved around a lot: think of all the places we see him.  Fish’s club, Gertrud’s apartment, GCPD, Jim and Barbara’s place, Maroni’s weird lodge, Falcone’s mansion, Loeb’s house…. It helped give a sense of how he had a finger in every pie, but also how much he truly inhabited the city.  He was everywhere.   But after they have him empire building – he becomes much more static.  He’s usually stuck in a grand house or hall, and has to send other people out to do his bidding.)

He spots that the gun on his desk has gone. He turns – and now it’s pointing at his head

It’s Ed2

(Ed gets demoted if the dog is in the same scene)

Hello Oswald.  We have a great deal to talk about.  But first - did you name your dog after me?

(An aside.  You know – that dog is sweet, but the naming decision feels like self-indulgent fic territory.  Unpopular opinion, I know – but there it is.)

 At GCPD, Harvey says Nygma’s been seen at City Hall – he’s going after Oswald.  Eduardo says Oswald is at the top of their list – so this sounds like a twofer

Jim says Oswald has all the ammo in town – so they need shock and awe

Eduardo says that’s his default, and asks Jim if he’s ready to go.

Jim looks a little dubious, and tells him to take Harvey.  He’ll keep things locked down here

(An aside – it’s possible that Jim does this because he wants to salve Harvey’s bruised ego from earlier, although sending him to City Hall with Eduardo to face a heavily-armoured and very irritated Oswald would seem to be a bit of an over-correction of that earlier moment.  It is amusing to consider, though, that Jim did not want Eduardo to witness what would likely have happened at City Hall if Jim had gone instead – i.e. Oswald wheedling his way out of a visit to the precinct, Jim telling Oswald to please be good this time, and then some emotionally vulnerable and sexually charged staring.)

At Sirens, a flippant Selina tells a serious-faced Bruce he’s killing the buzz. Bruce tells her this isn’t her.  Selina smiles, and asks Bruce if he really thinks he knows her. He solemnly tells her better than she knows herself.

Selina smiles.  She tells Bruce that the night his parents were murdered she watched it all and did nothing.

Her eyes fill

She says she watched

That guy shoot your father and shoot your mother and through it all - I did nothing

She lets out a laugh that turns into a sob

I didn't call for help. I didn’t scream at him to stop

Bruce tells her it wasn’t her fault – she was a scared kid.  Selina tells Bruce he was the scared kid.

Bruce has teared up now too. She continues

We are not the same.  I didn't do anything because I was not willing to risk my neck - because I didn’t care.  That's who I was and that's who I am

A different song starts playing.  Selina puts on a faux-smile and says she loves this song.  A tearful Bruce watches her walk away.

 Back at City Hall, an irate Ed is questioning a confused Oswald.

What did you do?

What are you talking about?

Ed is insistent

You!  You are the reason I killed those people!  How could you?  You have made me some murderous puppet!

(Just a reminder here that when Ed found a seriously injured and traumatised Oswald in the woods, he took him home, injected him with God knows what, told him he had no option but to stay there, and rubbed his hands with glee when he figured out the best way to manipulate him to his own ends – which was through his grief for his murdered mother.  You know, just while the story is touching on stuff like taking away someone’s agency, and using them for your own selfish ends.)

Ed rants that he’s spent weeks waking up strange places - driving himself mad, thinking he’d gone mad - now he knows that it’s all been Oswald’s doing

Of everything that you have put me through - this is the most cruel

(Just another reminder that - you know, while we’re discussing cruelty – Ed tried to drive Oswald insane, dug up his father’s remains, humiliated him, attempted to demonstrate that he wasn’t capable of love (so – you know – tried to completely dehumanise him), and then shot him in the gut and pushed him off the end of the pier. Just, you know, in case we’re looking for some kind of gold standard for cruelty).

Oswald blinks in confusion, and tells Ed that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  Ed quotes the ‘I’ll fix you’ from his hallucination.  He goes on – telling Oswald he didn’t fix him: he broke him

Realisation dawns on Oswald’s face.

Wait - I said that to you on the night the bridges blew!

He tells Ed that he saved his life.  He found him and paid Hugo Strange to save him – but Hugo must have done something when he was patching him up.

Ed is incredulous. Oswald is indignant – asking him what he was supposed to do?  After Butch, Ed was his only friend.  Ed exclaims that he shot Butch, to which Oswald retorts that’s why he needed Ed alive.

Oswald is frustrated. He sighs and turns to him

Edward Nygma - if I wanted you to suffer, I would never do it in some backhanded way.  If we are ever at odds again, you will know without a doubt that I am your enemy.  I promise you that, as a friend.

(An aside.  I have made no bones about the fact I’ve found just about everything they’ve done with this relationship over the seasons to be utterly forced - clunky and leaden.  If anything ever exemplifies a lot of what I don’t like about it, it’s that moment just there.  Compare how natural and nuanced almost any other interaction in this episode was in comparison with this moment.  It’s self-indulgent and melodramatic in a manner usually reserved for bad fanfiction. Bear it in mind particularly when we get that lovely scene later with Bruce and Harvey, and compare the two.)

Ed considers him for a moment, then yells

What a mess!  I might have killed you, Oswald.  And if that day comes, I swear to you that I will stare you in the eye as I stab you in the heart.

We already saw that, Ed. Back when you shot him in the gut

Oswald nods tearfully

(An aside, something else I hate about what they’ve done with this – insta-woobie ooc Oswald)

Oswald tells him to look on the bright side.  If Strange messed with his head, then Ed’s not responsible for what happened.  Ed asks where to find Hugo – but the conversation is interrupted by an explosion.

One of Oswald’s men tells him that GCPD and the army have blown the gates

Oswald whispers to him

Grab Nygma - they want him, not me

(An aside – the speed with which Oswald is willing to sell Ed out is honestly hilarious)

Ed – however – has legged it, leaving a fulminating Oswald behind.

The doors to the main hall are blown open, and a smoke bomb is rolled on. Harvey and Eduardo enter.  Oswald waits amidst all the smoke – probably for the drama more than anything

Why hello Harvey!

He teases him about the ammo situation last time.  Harvey tells him they don’t want his territory. They want him to put down his weapons and hand over Ed Nygma.

The situation, I think, is now more about Oswald being pissed that his turf has been invaded than anything else. He tells them to leave by the time he counts to three, or he’ll shoot everyone.

Harvey stands his ground.

Oswald smiles

You’re not thinking clearly, Harvey.  Maybe call your boss - see what he thinks

(An aside – Oswald is so offended that he’s even having to look at someone from GCPD who isn’t Jim.  Ugh. This day just gets worse.  Funnier yet is his conviction that Jim will tell Harvey to come back to GCPD and stop bothering him)

There’s a staring match. Oswald’s men all wind up shot, and Oswald is taken in to GCPD. 

Ed is in Sirens - on his knees in front of Barbara.  She tells him all Gotham is looking for him

He replies that he needs information – your speciality

(An aside.  What?  Since, like - when?  When did information become Barbara’s speciality?  I know she likes power and money.  She’s also fond of violence and casual cruelty.  But information?  When was that supposed to have happened?)

Barbara says she’s going to cut his face into a jigsaw puzzle.  Ed urgently asks her if he’s dumb.  If – in all the years she’s known him – he’d ever done anything as brutally idiotic as this.  He didn’t kill those people.

Well…. not exactly.

Barbara dismisses her guards.  Ed tells her about Hugo Strange’s involvement, and how he suspects mind control. Whoever is responsible for the mind control killed those people, not him

Barbara says if by some miracle she believes him – why would she help?

Ed piques her curiosity by wondering what kind of powerful person would hire Strange and have Ed adapted in this way.  He says that Barbara must know where Hugo is, and when he finds out who was responsible for the chip – he’ll share the intel.  She’ll want to know, because, after all

Information is your lifeblood

Sure, whatever. 

Barbara doesn’t know precisely where Hugo is, but can direct him to his Igors.

 An interrogation room in GCPD.  Oswald lies on his front on the floor, his lip bleeding.  He looks up at Jim, who is apparently watching, and his face twists for a moment into a combination of pain and an appeal for help

For his part, Jim looks troubled.  He’s not enjoying this – in fact, I would go so far as to say it looks like he can’t stomach it – but he’s tolerating it.

Jim replies to his pained look

You’re protecting a mass murderer - don't look to me for sympathy

(An aside. Yes – I ship this, but even with shipper glasses off – it’s pretty much there in the text. Oswald knows that he can appeal to Jim for sympathy.  In responding to his look as he does, Jim is openly acknowledging that he would usually be a source of sympathy for Oswald.  It’s an admission from them both that there are dimensions to their relationship that go well beyond cop/gangster and – more than that – an admission that they’re both aware of that)

Oswald spits blood

Fine.  But not with that meat head around

Jim nods, and Eduardo leaves

Oswald laughs and rises from the floor

You know – they say you can judge man by the company he keeps

Jim retorts

This from a man who has no friends

(An aside – that sounds meaner than it actually played.  It’s delivered in that slightly schoolyard  tone Jim reserves for teasing Oswald – it’s not earnest or cruel.  Also – as we’ve seen this season, just saw in this scene, and will see again in a moment – it’s just not true.  Jim and Oswald have a relationship beyond work.

On top of that, you know – Jim – if not for the fact that Harvey is an extraordinarily forgiving man, your own friend list would have tumbleweeds blowing through it.)

Jim and Oswald take a moment to give each other a long, complicated look.  This scene is full of long complicated looks.  Neither of them particularly want to be in this situation, but their hands have been forced.

Oswald tells Jim that Nygma is a patsy, not a mass murderer.  He likes puzzles, games, killing – but killing hundreds of people – that’s not him, Jim knows this.

Jim asks who set him up

Oswald laughs, and leans back in his chair.

Jim - you want info, I want to go home

Jim grimaces.  

Eduardo’s not going to go for that.

Oswald smiles before pressing Jim’s button

I'm sorry – I thought you were in charge

Jim grimaces angrily and leans on the table

Even if I were to let you go – the army is going to come after you: things are changing in Gotham

I'll take my chances

Jim blinks.  He seems, to be honest, tired and uncertain.

Do you want Nygma or not?

Jim looks at him, and then glances sidelong at where Eduardo waits outside.

Jim leaves the interrogation room and talks to Eduardo

I know where Nygma’s going

Eduardo looks at him, then past him, nudging the door to let it swing open – revealing an empty room. He looks back at Jim

I trust you know what you’re doing?

They leave to go find Ed

(An aside. Quite a complicated little scene.  Neither Jim nor Oswald want to be in that room – but external forces have shoved them in there anyway.  

There’s a lot of history in the looks that are going back and forth.  Like I said, we have the explicit acknowledgment that Jim is likely to offer Oswald sympathy when others won’t.  We also have the open admittance that Jim knows Oswald sees him as a soft touch, and that he will likely give in anyway – just not in this particular circumstance, because the destruction of Haven was such a big deal.

Oswald also knows that pressing Jim’s buttons over control and power is likely to be effective.

Last up – we have Jim obliquely warning Oswald of the danger the army poses to him.  He’s not threatening him here, or trying to intimidate him.  If anything, his tone is almost pleading.  He doesn’t know how handle this situation.  He’s asked for help – and help has finally arrived – but Jim’s not actually sure what to do with it now it’s here.  Eduardo plainly told Jim that Oswald was at the top of their hit list.  Jim’s response?  Let him go, warn him that danger is coming.)

 In some lab facility somewhere, a body slides down a hatch.

It’s Hugo!

He’s complaining that the last body he was brought was gangrenous and completely unsuitable. When he turns, though, he sees Ed pointing a gun at him

Mr Nygma

Ed want to know how he control of his alter ego.  He’s rambling a little, talking about his Ed side.

A curious Hugo remarks that he is Ed Nygma.

Ed says he’s also the Riddler.

Hugo’s professional side makes a rare appearance

How interesting

He adds, though, that he knows nothing about all that.  He just tinkered and inserted a chip in his brain.  

Ed wants to know who requested this.  Hugo says he’ll write it down, so he can truthfully say that he didn’t tell Ed who was responsible.  His pen, though, contains knock-out gas – which he sprays at Ed.

Hugo says that he’s mystified as to how Ed regained any awareness – and that he’ll just have to open him up and take a look under the roof.  

 Bruce is at GCPD looking for Jim.  Instead, he finds Harvey, working at his desk

Sorry kid – it’s just me

He quickly takes in Bruce’s obvious distress, and takes his glasses off to regard him more carefully.

You all right?

Bruce says he’s fine – just looking for Jim. He remarks that he saw soldiers downstairs, trying to make some conversation – but still seeming distracted.  Harvey watches him, concerned.

Yeah, the Army's finally gotten off their asses and decided to help.  Jim's out with them now.  Are you sure you're all right?

A tearful Bruce says that he doesn’t know.  His usual careful defences crumble.

I see people losing their will to do good.  People I love.  What if we don't make it out of this?

Harvey looks at him. His face is sombre.

I'm not gonna lie, kid.  These past few months, I've wondered the same thing.  And when I don't know what to do, I come up here and I dig into these case files. I sit my ass down and I get to work.  I used to hate this kind of paperwork; now it's the only thing that keeps me going.  Why? Because the little things matter.  Act by act, deed by deed, it means something.  Even if no one notices or cares.

Bruce listens – taking in what he says

Thanks, Harvey.

He then does the classic Batman quick exit – leaving a slightly befuddled Harvey

(An aside - This scene between Bruce and Harvey was really lovely.  Bruce is tired, upset, and worried about Selina.  He's lost his conviction that things will work out, and everything looks hopeless to him right now.  Harvey doesn't have the answer to any of that - but he does have an honest way to go on with things: do the work.  It doesn't have to be showy and praised by all and sundry.  Do something useful - and know that the deed itself and the results are both worthwhile.

It was an understated scene that still got across some very big issues.

There’s the flagging of some key differences between Jim and Harvey – Jim’s need to be seen as a hero, and Harvey not sharing that same concern.  There’s also insight into how someone who is as fundamentally unhappy and alone as Harvey finds a meaningful way of living.  There’s also how much Harvey has changed since we first met him.

It's sweet, too, that Bruce confides in him.  They don't know each other well - but he's still been a constant.  Equally sweet is how Harvey talks to him.  He doesn’t coddle him, or just try to cheer him up in the way that Alfred or Jim might.  He’s simply honest.  No platitudes, and no inspirational speech.  He tells Bruce he’s just as scared as he is, and then offers him a way to deal with his fear.  

Now - compare that simple moment of compassion, all the subtleties and pathos, and all the meaning it holds with the yelling and stilted dialogue at City Hall with Ed and Oswald.  The difference is glaring.)

Hugo has top of Ed's skull off – pretty much like Hannibal tried to do to Will. According to Hugo, the gas he used on Ed immobilised him – but he can still feel pain.  A simple reboot will fix the problem, though.

 A City Hall, Oswald carries his dog along to a hatch in the floor.  He carefully descends a ladder, still carrying him, and turns on a light. It’s a massive vault – full of gold and money and shiny things.  

He smiles and tells the dog that the time has come for a change of scenery

I’ve said this for ages, sweetie.  You’ve got all that crime money.  Buy yourself a flat in Paris, another in Berlin.   Florence, Athens, Barcelona…. go for it.

 Back in the lab.  Hugo says the electric charge must have overloaded the chip – but he’d fixed it.  He will pass the good news to his handler.  His smiles disappears when he realises that a gun is being held to his head.

He protests.  He’s just helping a man who needs medical attention! Hugo is vile – but BD Wong is fantastic.

Jim walks round Hugo to look at Ed, whose eyes are open.  Hugo petulantly says he gave him biomedical anaesthesia – and brings him round.

Ed screams in pain and then immediately protests his innocence

I told you wasn't me!

Jim tells Hugo to talk. He says a contract came along, and developed a tool – gesturing to Ed, who is indignant.

How dare you

Eduardo contacts one of his men and tells him to escort Hugo out.  He leaves with a ta ta

He smirks at an incredulous Jim

Sorry pal - this part of the op is need to know

Apparently Walker – the woman Jim has been talking to one the radio – wants Ed taken out now.  

Jim is puzzled – asking if Walker is behind this - controlling Nygma

Eduardo shrugs that he hates the spooks crap.  He just follows orders

Jim mentions Haven – reeling from the idea that Walker might have been behind it.

Eduardo says Jim is to put a bullet in Ed's brain

Jim replies with a flat no

Eduardo tells him to call it proof of loyalty - what Walker needs to see from him before she implements the relief plan.  He tries to persuade him

Look at him.  He's a loon. A cop-killer.

(An aside – the strong feeling we’re getting from Jim at this point is ‘yeah – but he’s my loon’ – in the same way that this is his screwed-up home, and his tyrannical gangster.  I suspect this storyline might have lasted longer had the season not been truncated – and we’d have seen Jim gradually pull away from Eduardo, the man he thought was his friend, to acknowledge that he belongs to Gotham, and has emotional ties there that he’s not willing to break.)

Jim just wants the truth: did Walker destroy Haven?

Eduardo tells him ours is not to reason why – and says this is his chance to be part of the plan.

He adds that if Jim can’t pull the trigger on Ed – I’ll pull it on you

Jim stares

You’d kill me for some bureaucrat?

Eduardo is unperturbed. There’s really not one thought rattling around in that big beardy head of his

Mission comes first - you taught me that.  What's your answer?

Jim says he saved his life one too many times.  He feints putting his gun down, and then runs and escapes down the hatch in the wall we saw earlier.  Wheeee!

Eduardo presses a button, and orders EdBot to find Jim and kill him

EdBot immediately complies, and also goes wheeeeee down the chute.

Eduardo watches him go – secretly envious that his orders apparently don’t allow him to go wheeee too.

Aha – so this is where that absurdly beautiful image of Jeremiah came from. He’s lying down, eyes shut, in some kind of cave.  We see a rock pulled aside by Ecco

Boss - wake up

Jeremiah winces as he sits up.  Ecco asks sympathetically if the stitches are still sore, and tells him he should have worn the armour she made.

Jeremiah curls his lip contemptuously, and tells her the bullet is making her sentimental – she should gave it a shake.  Ecco obligingly does so – and nods excitedly when he asks her if that’s better.

He tells her he had to let Selina stab him once - verisimilitude trumps precautions.  Ecco nods – and says Bruce and Selina had to think he was dead.  Jeremiah rolls his eyes at her summary, and comments impatiently that he takes it she has news.  She replies that it’s all systems go, and they head out.

(I suppose this is essentially canon, but – wow, does Jeremiah treat his ‘girlfriend’ with contempt).

Is Jeremiah in Wayne Manor? He addresses a man in a white coat, telling the dr he’s hearing good things.  The doctor tells him his assistant thought he’d like to see the results.

Jeremiah is wide-eyed as he approaches two people we can only see from behind – who look, as best as memory serves, to be Bruce's parents.

Jeremiah laughs for a second, then opens his eyes wide – and tells them they look beautiful

I just love family reunions - don't you?

Jeremiah, confronted with the problem of what gift you can buy for your billionaire crush who likely has everything, has seemingly got very creative and cloned his dead parents.

General Observations

Jim is doing a classic Jim. He's been unhappy about the situation in the city for weeks – pleading for help.  But now that official help of a sort has shown up - the kind Jim should want, and should back, and should identify with - he's wobbling. He balks at the idea of shooting Ed.  He had no interest in arresting Oswald, let alone any qualms about letting him go, and looked downright unhappy in the interrogation room.  When push comes to shove, Jim has relationships with these people - whether he’ll acknowledge it or not

To analyse it more closely in terms of Jim's psychology - the army element plays a role too.  He might talk about his time there fondly - but, ultimately, he chose to leave. When Barnes - who was father figure and army past combined - showed up, Jim barely waited until the end of his first episode before disobeying him to going off to see Oswald – leaning on their special relationship and warning him about the new regime.

He repeats that pattern again here.  Jim might want to represent that kind of authority - but a part of him is always looking to buck it, too.  It's part of the reason, I think, that he and Oswald are more likely to squabble during Oswald's particularly tyrannical phases.

And all of that disquiet is even before we find out that Walker is likely corrupt and dreadful.

 The whole thing with Ed. Eh.  I know what they’re trying to do here. The problem, for me, is that it’s not really outside the bounds of possibility that Ed could knowingly have destroyed Haven.  Sure – the whole affair would have been showier, and Ed would have made some kind of speech beforehand – but still.  Ed - and Barbara – actually, both watched from a high window while Gotham tore itself apart under the Tetch virus.  Neither of them flinched at what they saw.

It’s weird – because you don’t need to downplay Ed’s capacity for sadistic violence in order to also entertain the notion that part of him might be horrified by it.  That, after all, is a crucial part of his characterisation: that he is frequently fractured, with various facets of his personality more or less dominant.  In season one, we saw that certain aspects of his personality were almost completely suppressed.  Later, we saw the season one version of him humiliated and berated by darker aspects of his personality, as well as horrified by what it had him do when it ‘took over’.  

So – you can have your cake and eat it really – you can have a character who is capable of dreadful things, as well as the tragedy that some drowned part of him is horrified and disgusted by what he has done, and simply endures it with no ability to speak up. That would work with Ed’s extreme rage and fear at the loss of control he’s been enduring.

What doesn’t work, though, is retconning him to be a better person than he is. I’ve watched Ed torture because he enjoyed it.  Kill because he felt like it.  I’m not entirely sure I buy that he’d be horrified by what happened to Haven.

Miscellaneous

I have no idea whether Selina knows about Tabitha yet.  She must – it makes no sense that she wouldn’t – but there was no indication of her reaction to that.

Similarly – I don’t really understand why no-one has said a word about Lee yet.  I’m guessing it’s because we’re simply not ‘there’ yet in the story – but it makes no logical sense.

Alfred said a lot that was true about respecting Selina’s decision, but – ultimately- his advice to leave Selina alone simply comes off as callous.

Lucius must have had a day off today.

[valoisfulcanelli]

randomsquirrel replied to your post: What’s going to happen to my content on Tumblr

Doesn’t it just figure that JUST as things are getting together and you CAN start posting again they pull this bullshit. I’m in a similar boat, as this is one of the few places I can think of to say “hey, read my fics!”, and without it, well, I almost wonder why bother updating, yeah? >_>

Yep. The new computer is actually arriving this afternoon.

The thing is... *sigh* I’ve seen all of this before. Many years ago, before Tumblr was even much of a thing, LiveJournal was THE home for fandom. Everyone was there. After the first ‘strikethrough’ several clones popped up--most notably JournalFen--but LJ was fandom’s home in its entirety. You could find anything on there when Brad and his staff ran it.

(I got wordy again. The rest is behind a cut.)

Then Brad sold it to 6Apart, who took it apart. They created VOX: an abortive attempt to ‘simplify’ LiveJournal for people who thought it too complicated. I got an account there to try it out, and it was horrendous; like LJ for kiddies. You couldn’t leave comments on other peoples’ posts; the only way you could respond was by clicking an “I like this” button. 

Clicky buttons are the one thing I truly detest about Facebook. Their ‘like’ button was the start of what I think of as ‘lazy reactions’. People rarely comment these days (and yes, I include myself among that number) because we have other, much faster ways to react. And thus, slowly, community and support is eroded. Slowly, more and more young people--who grew up with simplified reactions as their only feedback--are at risk of tying their self-esteem and self-worth into how many likes/hearts they get, and how many followers they have, regardless of whether those followers actually interact with them. Is it any wonder that--despite our all being so much more ‘connected’ these days--many of us feel so much more lonely?

So 6Apart began the taking apart of LiveJournal. I finally quit my expensive permanent account when one of the staff members made a post mocking people who were upset about the changes that were being made. He actively wrote derogatory things about them (I still have the screenshot of it somewhere in my old backed up archive files). And when I made a final post telling my almost 300 followers that I was done with the site, guess what happened?

Several of them told me I was selfish for taking all of my self-created content away from them. People messaged me, screaming about how I was letting them down. Other people messaged a co-writer I’d been working on a long series with and urged her to forget about me and take on a new co-writer who would (get this) take over my characters and write them for me, just so they didn’t lose a series they were so invested in on that platform.

I’d created something they loved, and they didn’t want to lose it. Looking back on it now, with the benefit of time and hindsight, those people were just as scared as I was of change. But while they stayed on the sinking ship, I had to jump over the railing and swim away.

I quit in 2008 and pretty much left fandom for a long, long fucking time, after having been incredibly active on LJ for 7 years. 6Apart sold LJ to SUP, a Russian company. I took a tentative step back to LJ about a year ago. I tried it for about a month and then the ToS changed. Everyone was logged out, and they couldn’t log back in without accepting the new ToS... which stated that they agreed not to post any LGBT ‘propaganda’. 

So I closed the tab and never went back. So did many others, but--Dreamwidth aside--there was no single place that fandom went to. The diaspora had already begun years back, with the people who posted the pictures moving to Tumblr, the fic-writers moving to AO3, and the general bloggers moving to DW. Fandom was split into three, and--not incidentally--that was when fandom started turning in on itself, too. The worst of fandom that you see today was beginning to make itself known back then, on those disparate sites. Sure--even prior to that--you’d see some stupendous Harry Potter absurdity being related on the fandom_wank community on JournalFen but the kind of shit you see with fen turning on other fen wasn’t around back then. (Anyone familiar with ‘hed pastede on yay’? That was a fandom_wank thing.)

I didn’t get back into fandom until I started writing The Madness of Mr Goth. And my god, had fandom changed by that point. I barely recognised it. Whereas before--when I posted chapters on LiveJournal--I’d get up to 50 comments per chapter, now I was lucky to get maybe five or six from the same faithful band of devoted readers. Sure, a lot of that could be down to the fandom I found myself in--but hell, my old ones weren’t exactly hugely popular! I was often the fandom-of-one who managed to pull other people in.

People don’t interact anywhere near as much as they used to. And part of me can’t help but think that... that is what’s wanted. In isolation and loneliness, people have no support, no backup, it’s harder to organise things. Look what happens when people do protest. Shit gets done! But with everyone posting away and getting only hearts and thumbs-ups, it’s harder to feel like you’re getting anywhere. Whereas, back when I was more active and other were too, there was support everywhere.

You know something about me and LiveJournal? I started something there, something that a lot of other people picked up and ran with. Anyone who might have been active back then may realise that I’m about to out my old fannish identity to anyone with a good memory, but I started a movement on LJ: the _daily community, posting a daily image of [insert fandom here]. I created the very first one--the idea was mine--and thousands of others followed. You won’t find a _daily that’s older than the one I created (and yes, eventually deleted when I deleted all of my other journals; another thing I got told I was selfish for doing) because I started that whole thing. And I was the only one who never missed a goddamn day. I even arranged for others to cover when I was away on vacation (there were no queued posts back then) so that not a single day was missed. 

I had something like 30 or so journals and communities, combined. They ranged from my own personal account, personal fanfic posting, non-fannish fic posting, several fandom communities, a writers’ support community, a community dedicated to philology, multiple roleplay journals and journals dedicated to individual long story arcs, a journal that I was writing from the historical standpoint of a fictional Elizabethan doctor and his apprentice (in as close to original syntax as I could), and many many others. I was ridiculously active back then, posting fiction almost every day, and huge summaries at the end of each month, so people could click links to catch up on what they were currently reading.

LiveJournal was my home, but I upped sticks and left because I couldn’t stay there any longer with the way it was heading. Not only did I leave behind those journals, I also left behind the online persona I had been using for more than ten years (actually, when I look back, I’d been using that persona online for about TWENTY years). I figuratively shed my skin, and felt lost for a very long time because my entire online identity was left behind on LJ.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this ramble. Clearly I have a LOT of fucking thoughts on this, and many of them have been simmering just under the boil for about ten years. I would love to go back to how I was then, but I’m not sure that I can.

[flamewyrmz]

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan! 

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time. 

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

--

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH" 

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

--

all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

--

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad. 

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it. 

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

--

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

--

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly? 

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

--

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here 

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!) 

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired) 

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug! 

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!) 

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!) 

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone? 

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham. 

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique). 

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

--

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter. 

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here. 

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important. 

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here. 

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them. 

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there. 

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress) 

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept. 

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

--

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

[wlwhc]

Hotter Than Hell

@lovelynerdytraveler asked: sooo, this is me again for an imagine with octavia. I would like one where reader is a badass and O is drawn to her like really hard, so she started asking around for your sexual orientation until you understand and with a sassy end thanks you so much if you do this !

Warning: swearing

Words: 2157

(A/N): I hope I got this request right, I combined two requests, It will be a part two where it will be smut like you asked in another ask :D. I’ll try my best even though I suck at writing smut due to my lack of knowledge in the language, I can’t describe pretty well the situation :(. I could not help myself and I throw a little bit of Clexa in it

The Grimripa Series Part II [Thirsty]

strik gona : Little Warrior

gada: Girl

ge ron: come here

Octavia has seen this girl fight with such a passion, fierceness, one hit, and even Lincoln could end up choking on his teeth. She was completely amazed by the grounder warrior, and she wasn’t the first person. Everyone in the camp was scared by her, Y/N kom Trikru right hand of Indra, second in command and friend of Lexa the Heda. Just with those persons by her side, no one would want to mess with her, The Heda was pretty protective of her friends , but the thing that set the fear in every citizen in the camp, was the fact that Y/N was as deadly as she was beautiful, you will get hypnotize by her beauty, and in a blink of an eye, she will slit your throat, and will do it with a graceful move. It almost seems like she knew every move that her victim was making, no one could defeat her, and will only stand 10 seconds on their feet and I say 10 seconds because she will mock at you, she will laugh and be cocky, and she has the right to be it.

Octavia had noticed her since the warrior touched skaikru land, she noticed her scars, her tattoos, the weird looking sword she carried everywhere, the war paint that was red color rather than black, almost like a bloody color, giving her a scarier look than the grounders around her. She was truly magnificent and peculiar, one of a kind, Octavia saw that, and she wanted that, she wanted to be the one that cleans your wound in battle, she wanted to be the one helping you put your war paint , she wanted to be the one sleeping in your arms after a long day, she wanted to be the one that makes you moan her name in the night, she wanted to to be the one for you, but she didn’t even know if you would be interested in her, I mean, do you even like girls?. It’s not a secret that it was pretty common to be gay on the ground, or bi , or whatever makes you happy, but every single person was different, she didn’t want you to remember her like the stupid girl who thought that you liked girl or some shit like that, she wanted you to have a decent memory about her, something worth remembering for.

So to be sure that she could have at least the tiniest chance to taste those exotic lips, she decided to ask around, you were certainly the major topic to talk about, and the grounders must know a lot about you...hopefully. The young warrior starts by asking her close people, like Lincoln her closest friend about who team you play for.

“hey Lincoln! I have a question for you” Octavia said to her friend that was currently sharpening his sword.

“what about strik gona?” Lincoln asked. He already had an idea of what O could have in mind. The girl had spent the day drooling over Y/N , or how the grounder know her , Grimripa (grim reaper)

“Do you know anything about Y/N?” Lincoln couldn’t help but laugh at this, he already saw it coming, but it was fun the way she asked, so shy and almost innocent.

“I may know a thing or two” He playfully said, the skaikru warrior glared at him. “one, stay away from her, she’s dangerous and two….” Lincoln made a dramatic pause to bother her a little more. Octavia smacks his arm.

“what?! spit it out!” She exclaim

“...she hates skaikru” Octavia didn’t seem bothered by this, it was obvious, she could handle that little fact, but she still doesn’t know about your preference.

“and what about her … sexuality? like what she likes more, men or ...women?” She asked, pursing her lips a little, watching everything but Lincoln’s eyes. The boy laughs at this

“that’s something I never asked strik gona, I think that you will have to ask her” He gets back at sharpening his sword. Octavia made a little huff at this and walks inside the Ark, hoping to find Clarke, the girl has to know something more, she had spent a lot of time with The Heda, and you spend a lot of time with The Heda, so that means she at least had to know something...right?.

The blonde Wanheda was talking with the commander, pointing things on the map that was hanging on the wall, Clarke was rambling about the different thing that the Ark has, and Lexa was paying zero attention to it, finding herself more interested in Clarke's lips, well , at least Octavia discovered The Heda’s sexuality , that’s an improvement , if she could so easily find about heda’s sexuality than you were going to be easier...hopefully.

“hey C! , Heda” Octavia greeted. Lexa was throw away from her bubble, gaining her composure and putting that stoic face once again, trying to forget about Clarke’s pink lips. Lexa gave Octavia a nod and Clarke greeted her with a smile.

“I have a few question about something really important-”

“what about? something happened? is someone hurt? what happe-”

“oh god stop, I just-ahg, can you just calm down for a sec, and it’s something...private” Octavia said in a small voice looking at the commander, the girl understood the message and with a tiny smile she disappeared from the room.

“okay, what happened? are you oka-who did you punch now?” Clarke asked the green-eyed girl scolding her a little.

“relax I didn’t hurt anyone...yet” Clarke rolled her eyes at this, but couldn’t help to smile a little. “do you know anything about...Y/N?”

“The Grimripa?” Clarke asked, raising her eyebrow. It was a weird question, she clearly didn’t expect that question.

“yeah..” Octavia said, her voice turning weak, shy. Clarke saw how the young girl changes her posture into a more awkward one, her eyes were once again roaming through the scenery avoiding Clarke’s eyes.

“hmm...maybe I know her, but not much, she’s not much of a talker...and she’s scary” Clarke said. She saw Octavia’s eyes light up at this, the blonde understood then. “ohhh no , no no O, you will not get all touchy with her, she’s scary!” Octavia opens her mouth at this, trying to look shocked at the assumption, but failing miserably.

“I-I’m not go-How could you think of-Ahg fine, she’s hot! got damn it!”

“and she’s scary! she will slit your throat if you breathe too close to her!”

“Oh don’t be so dramatic, you are batting your eyelashes to the commander, that’s worst!” The blonde blush a this.

“I-I am not!”

“oh yeah sure, tell that to your pathetic blushed face smartass! , can you tell me about what you know or not?” The blonde was going to protest, but Lexa got inside of the room, looking at Octavia.

“Hed-” Octavia was interrupted by Lexa

“If you are so interested in Y/N, then you should approach her, you should not trust other people’s words” Lexa said looking at Clarke, the blonde look away. She knew that Y/N was Lexa’s friend, but she just couldn’t stand her way of ...surviving.

“Who knows, you may even get surprised of what you may discover” The Heda said, a little smirk plastered on her face.

“thank you Heda” Octavia walked away from the commander, decided to talk to you.

“so...what it means? bat your eyelashes at someone?” Lexa asked Clarke. The blonde blushed like a tomato

“o-oh you heard that? I think that my mom is calling me, I got to go!”

Octavia found you talking with Indra, the two fierce women were discussing something that seems to put you a smile in your face, a smile that made Octavia week. After a few seconds, Indra walked away from you, and you sat down on a rock nearby the fire sharpening your sword. This was the perfect moment.

just walk to her O is not too hard, just walk to the fire and … talk to her

Octavia walked to the fire, confidence getting smaller with each step she took. She made it to the fire and holy shit...there you were in all your glory, badass and freaking hot, I mean come one! , you were like a diamond surrounded by Apes

You didn’t seem to notice her, the sword seems more interesting than the people surrounding you, if you only had known that the hot girl that always seem to watch you was sitting in front of you, you would leave the sword for another moment. Yes, you already knew about the strik gona , the girl from skaikru who wanted to become a grounder, you saw potential on her, and Indra seems to talk in a good way about her. Lexa had told Indra about Octavia asking about you, and Indra told you about it

Octavia doesn't know what to do for you to notice her, so she … talked...sort of

“h-hey!” her voice a little higher than she intended to be caught your attention.

“hei” You said to her, sending her a little smirk

“you are Y/N right?” Octavia asked

“That I am, and you must be the gada (Girl)  who can’t stop asking about me” You said, looking at your sword. Octavia tried to act like that didn’t affect her but.. it did

okay she knows that I’m  interested in her...I think, just act cool O , you got this

“yes, you seem like an interesting girl” Octavia said, awkwardly smirking at you. You laugh at this, she was cute.

“Maybe...maybe I am just like any other gona here”

“I don’t think so, you look different from them”

“what would you know strik gona? how much did you manage to know about me?” You asked her, you gaze was starting to make Octavia a little too nervous.

“well, not too much, people seem to be scared of you, so I thought that maybe I should ask you” You scoff at this, a smirk still plastered on your face

“they have their reasons to be scared strik gona … are you like them? are you scared too?” You asked, getting a little closer to the brunette.

“... I don’t have any reason to be” Octavia said...trying not to tremble at your intense gaze on her, you smirk at her comment and got up from your seat, walking to her, you sit beside her, pointing your knife at her throat.

“Maybe I should give you one” You said her. Octavia didn’t seem too affected by your actions and smile at you.

“...you don’t seem too scary up close” She said in a tiny voice. You smirk at this. She was different, you like that.

You got up from your seat, and start walking to your tent, Octavia was happy that she finally got to talk to you, she didn’t want to let you go, but she didn't have anything to make you stay, and right when she was going to walk to her tent, you called her.

“Where are you going strik gona?” Octavia didn’t seem to know what to do, so she just looked at you. “I thought that you were going to ask me more things” Octavia didn’t seem to process what you just said. Where you inviting her to her tent? at night??? it was only to talk??? or to something more???.

Seeing her struggling with her decision, you walked to her and grabbed her hand, and started walking hand in hand to your tent.

“Ge ron gada, I’m sure you have a lot of question to ask me” (come here, girl)

I didn’t know how to end this with a sassy end ¿?¿?¿?¿? I’m not sassy I’m so sorry :’(

[scenarios-on-ice]

That you are!

“Ma'am, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but whatever it is- either Furuta or the toxic side of the YoI fandom started it!”

I used to be firmly for Trans!Mutsuki but now I’m not so sure. I’m mostly just annoyed and kinda sad at how this particular issues is tearing the fandom apart…keeping away from major spoilers, when Saiko was trying to ask Mutsuki about something important a few chapters back Mutsuki was like “So….yeah. You figured out that I’m actually a girl.” and then abruptly left. That was mostly where the doubt started: Mutsuki refered to themself as a ‘girl’. Did this stem from insecurity about revealing themself as trans or was it because Mutsuki actually sees themself as female?

And then later on, “I’m almost embarrassingly female.” Does this mean that they find their female body a burden/embarrassing, or that they can’t help but acknowledge that yes, they do identify as female in the end? Doesn’t help that their expression during this scene is very difficult to read (the scene itself is quite disturbing in nature as well).

Then people started connecting the dots. During the auction arc Mutsuki once said to themself ‘It’s not that I think like a man’ and was disgusted when they felt men’s gazes following them. Add this to "I want to ‘live’ as a man" instead of “I 'am’ a man” and the fact that they were probably molested by their father as a child and the theory that maybe they’re just pretending to be male because even as they fear men, they believe being male to be a symbol of power, one that will keep them safe, becomes quite a bit more plausible.

Even more confusing since most of Mutsuki 'I am female’ moments seem to come during mental breakdowns so the fandom is up in arms about that too. Does the mental breakdown mean that they’re not in their right mind and just rambling, or does it make them speak the truth and stop hiding (like Kaneki’s memory breakdown during the Tsukiyama arc; it was then he finally stopped warping/denying his own memories about his mother)?

I personally believe that Mutsuki might turn out to be female after all (especially since this is a Japanese manga; Japan might be more accepting of the LGBTQ community than other East-Asian countries but from what I’ve learned it’s still got quite a bit of prejudice and stereotyping going on and LGBTQ individuals are viewed differently from how they are in the West. It would also tie in with Ishida’s overall writing style) but I don’t bash those who believe them to be trans because I really, really wanted them to be trans too…

I just wish the fandom would stop being so aggressive about this ;-;

(That parody tho)

True, true, Jean would make a good Angelica ^^ as for Dear Theodosia, don’t most of Burr’s songs fit really well with Jean? I think it’s proof that the Jean-Burr casting was meant to be.

OH YEAH I totally forgot about that. Hide-Peggy makes much more sense now XD they should form an 'awesome forgotten characters’ club!

Speaking of Hinami though, SPOILER but apparently she’s going to meet Akira soon.

Yeah, the only realy Hamilton AU we could achieve with TG is one where characters are forced into roles that don’t necessarily fit their personalities and therefore changes the outcome of the story (which could actually be a good thing; for example, if we cast Amon as Hamilton Say No To This would never happen).

But wait (lol). Doesn’t Urie actually fit much better with Burr?

In that case, it doesn’t matter who we cast. Urie-Burr would probably make the exact same mistakes as Musical!Burr did (if we’re talking about pre-character development Urie).

Well, to make up for Hide’s second death (who am I kidding nothing could make up for that) you now have the mental image of Tsukiyama rapping Guns and Ships at Yoshimura-Washington (or Shinohara-Washington).

And Koma like

“THE DEVIL APE A BARISTA SPYING ON THE CCG I TAKE THEIR COFFEE ORDERS, INFORMATION, AND THEN I SMUGGLE IT UP TO KANEKI’S REVOLUTIONARY COVENANT I’M RUNNING WITH THE GHOULS OF LIBERTY AND I AM LOVIN’ IT SEE, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE UP AGAINST THE RUFFIANS WE IN THE SHIT NOW, SOMEBODY’S GOTTA SHOVEL IT ENJI KOMA, I NEED NO INTRODUCTION WHEN YOU KNOCK ME DOWN, I GET THE FUCK BACK UP AGAIN”

(I could probably have made it rhyme/fit in with the actual lyrics if I wanted to but unfortunately I’m too lazy OTL maybe some other time

Also fun fact if you didn’t get to that point in the manga: Kaneki does have his own 'ghouls of liberty’ now)

As for Furuta, I think he’s probably going to get a tragic backstory too- everyone in TG gets the angst treatment. Ishida’s probably going to expand on his daddy issues. Also, there’s that one birthday poem Ishida wrote for him that strongly implies he’s suicidal/places little value on his own life, plus the fact that we can already assume he had a terrible childhood.

I’ve never heard of that anime but now you make me want to watch it…is it really worth a watch despite the 'wth’ elements? (Your Lie in April was the only exception I made for romance animes, but I’m willing to give anything a try as long as it’s got decent character development, is respectful with whatever themes it chooses to handle and doesn’t have too much fanservice (because frankly I find anime fanservice more cringey than anything…I always feel so embarrassed for everyone involved when it happens XD)).

And oh, thanks for letting me know! :D I hope it wasn’t too weird of a request ^^;;

Thank you so much for the ‘ripped s/o’ request! :D I really liked it!

Like, maybe it’s just me but I think Viktor (once he got used to it) and/or Chris might actually think it was hot. Dunno, just, in VIktuuri I can see Viktor being the sub (plus it’s kinda obvious that he’s really, really into Eros!Yuuri) so I think he’d find the idea of his s/o being a powerhouse appealing…especially since they don’t look it outwardly (what with being so smol and cute). He’d probably be determined to 'unleash the beast’ lol

(or maybe it’s just my personal bias because while I don’t have much of a preference when it comes to figure I still think muscular women look great)

Yuuri would probably be very much in awe once he recovered from the shock.

As for JJ, I think once he stopped flailing around his reaction would be a mix of betrayal and slight jealousy- “Wait, so all those times I was totally not struggling to carry you bridal style, you could have told me there was a reason you’re so heavy! And also, did you just let me treat you like a fragile doll when you were actually (not) stronger than me all along? WERE YOU JUST STROKING MY EGO BABE NO

Also let’s go to the gym together as soon as possible because I cannot wait to kick your ass

Nobody is allowed to be stronger than the King JJ

Not even his girlfriend”

Then s/o picks him up, throws him over her shoulder and takes him to his bedroom like 'boi, you need to calm down’

Peek-a-boo!

“Nimura Furuta died this morning (if only). I need a favour.”

That seems so complicated >_< I think I’m gonna stick to trans!Mutsuki (referring with he/him), simply because I haven’t reached that part in the manga and am still in the ‘Mu is male’ mode. Yeee, I don’t wanna go into that part of the fandom, I get enough shit from the yoi fandom already. Gaah, it really is complicated. I mean, I’m open to any Mu and don’t quite care if he decides to be male/female or genderfluid or whatever. I just want everyone to be happy ;-; And that’ll never happen because we’re talking about TG here. No one can be happy. It’s simple impossible.

The only thing we need now is a Hamilton for Jean... Ye, I don’t quite think we’ll be getting one. Except for Eren, but that LEAVES ALL THE PROBLEMS WE’VE DISCUSSED. SHIT. I’d pay to see Jean singing Dear Theodosia. 

We can add Hide and Peggy to the club of forgotten characters along with Hinami (she is being forgotten it seems) and a few other characters I can’t think of right now XD

That’s the problem with TG. Most AUs are impossible, since the characters just don’t fit the roles nicely, they’re too grey to fit in. Gdi Ishida, you love making us suffer.

Oh yeah, Urie would be the best Burr! He’s a calculating character who’ll kinda suck ass to advance in positions. To think that this guy’s my favourite character along with Haise/Kaneki and Ayato...

I WANNA SEE TSUKIYAMA RAPPING HELL YEAH  HIS ACCENT WOULD MAKE IT SO MUCH BETTER LIKE, HED BE ABLE TO IMITATE LAFF SO WELL I AM CRYING HELP

You’ve seen my ‘I’ll manipulate everyone out’, didn’t you? That one fits evem worse than this, so shush.  I did reach that part, tho. One of the last things I remember is that hella sexy white suit Kaneki panel. I liked that one a lot ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Doesn’t everyone in TG basically have a tragical backstory, though? Like, name one (1) character who lived a nice and happy life without daddy issues suicidal stuff and so on.  There are none I can remember. Well, I guess you could say that Tsukiyama had a pretty nice childhood, but he’s pretty messed up now, so I don’t count him. 

Hmm, I think some people would be able to ignore them, but I’m pretty sure that you wouldn’t like the anime. I mean, it’s quite rushed with little character development and has sO MANY WTH MOMENTS, HE’S 15 FOR FUCKS SAKE, WHY DOES HE SLEEP NAKED WHY ARE THERE SO MANY INNUENDOS WHY DO THEY KISS IT LOOKS CREEPY WHYYYYY

No, don’t watch that anime. If you want to watch a romance anime that’s really good and has development, watch Kyoukai no Kanata. AND MAGI. AND HOUKAGO NO PLEIADES. I can always hit you up with anime suggestions if you need them *finger guns (and ships)*

Ooh, I like those additions so much! Would you mind if I added them to the actual post?