#but hear me out you may have changed my lifes trajectory forever

[anzuhan]

daily pivot no9... whuh?

[solecize]

  𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐓 | 𝐣𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐤𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 (5)

ten years of being one and the same with jungkook as the country's it couple is the perfect disguise for the reality of a tumultuous relationship hidden behind the scenes.

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: a ㅤㅤㅤ year of a death of a thousand cuts because, no matter what comes your way, saying goodbye is never an option. 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒: idol!jungkook/female idol!reader and fictional versions of various idols 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄. idol au, on-and-off relationship, angst, i swear there's fluff, fake dating, and themes of first love, growing up, struggles with fame, and marriage (ish) 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒. portrayal of a toxic couple (implications of emotional abuse and control), both main characters are very flawed, violence, infidelity, foul language, substance use (illegal drugs) 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄. based off of "you're losing me" by taylor swift. this is a fictional portrayal of real-life people that implement some aspects of real-life events. extra warning for violent acts in a relationship (throwing objects at the wall) ㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤjoin the taglist here! ㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤm.list | previous | next

stop, you're losin' me

i can't find a pulse

my heart won't start anymore

TOP HEADLINE TODAY: new kbs variety show announced - first mc revealed to be s.irens' novaㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ   january 2017

the memories of bora bora stuck to you like maple syrup on your hands for years. it was a haunting notion to consider the trip the beginning of the end. you remember the way the golden sand stretched out across the water for what felt like forever, as it shimmered and sparkled under the relentless sun. you could hear jungkook’s laughter echoing in your ears like a melody of a song that looped in your head. the sharpest image of that week glared at you angrily - the first serious fight that you ever got into with your boyfriend.

it was a given that you and jungkook butted heads like any other long-term couple, but you found yourself stomping away to nayoung’s hotel room at the end of the third night with a bundle of clothes in your hands and tear-stained cheeks.

when she swung the door open, her heavy lids indicated that she was about to burst into a complaint about you waking her up. instead, nayoung’s eyes jolted open when they read the expression on your face. 

“what happened?” she asked.

you fought a wail, making sure to shove any sort of crying down your throat because god knows you would never stop if you started. nayoung frowned and opened the door wider, gesturing for you to come in. 

her room was always messy at the dorms and you weren’t shocked to find her hotel room in a similar state of disarray. however, it beat the way you trashed the room you’d been sharing with jungkook.  clothes on the floor, random objects hurled at the wall, and even a lamp abandoned on the floor. the anger you felt was unlike anything you’d ever felt before. you admitted this to nayoung, who looked at you like you had two heads.

“yeah, we fought and i may have knocked some things over. . . “

your temperament was definitely an issue to be discussed, but in your eyes, there were more pressing problems to address. when nayoung made room for you to sit on the left side of the bed, you immediately tucked yourself under the covers and let a few tears stream down your face. 

she frowned. “what were you guys fighting about?”

“jungkook thinks that i’m always too focused on work,” you explained, swiping at your face. “he said i don’t make enough time for him.”

at this point, you were four years into debut and permanently stuck in the fast lane. a few major events occurred in your career recently that changed the trajectory of your group’s popularity - the first being the departure of miseul. it was an unfortunate situation, as she requested the termination of her contract to go back to her hometown, where her grandmother was ill. the company then replaced her with a new girl, cara, who you did not get along with. there was no choice in the matter, though, and your group’s first comeback with the new lineup happened earlier that year.

another signficant dynamic change was nayoung’s quick rise to stardom as an actress. she’d starred in a drama that was one of the most popular of all time on mbc and as a result, grew in popularity that arguably surpassed your group. she had endorsements and jobs coming left and right, which was prioritized by your company over the group’s endeavours. 

it was a bitter feeling, being overshadowed by both your own group mate and boyfriend, but you instead focused on working harder and taking on every project you could. even with bts’ growing status and schedules, you found yourself making less and less time for jungkook and his argument was that he always did more for the relationship than you did.

“focused on work? we’re literally on vacation.” nayoung sighed, coming into bed with you. “i’m glad you’re here, though, y/n. i feel like i haven’t seen you since we landed.”

agreeing to the bora bora trip was a reluctant decision, as it was originally just supposed to be a composition of your and jungkook’s friends. you only wanted to bring nayoung and sooah, until the latter convinced you to ask cara to tag along, since they didn’t want to leave her out. the trip was intended to be the time for you to bond with jungkook, but you were now put into a position to also bond with your group members, especially since things hadn’t really been the same with the girls since miseul left. 

“nayoung, we’re still friends right?” you asked meekly, feeling pathetic even as you said it.

her shoulders dropped and she pulled you into an embrace. “of course we are! why would you say that?”

“ever since we stopped living with each other and since miseul left. . .” you trailed off, tearing away. “i feel like the group sees each other as just coworkers or something.”

you were now twenty years old and experiencing life independently. the same was said for your group mates, as you were all now off doing your own things and only reuniting once or twice a year for a comeback. at some point, you considered these girls sisters. now, those feelings felt miles away. even the bora bora trip felt forced. 

“y/n,” nayoung’s tone grew serious. “i’m always going to be here for you.”

this would be the last time that s.irens would spend time together outside of work. sooah and nayoung’s relationship soured over the years to the point where they no longer spoke by 2020 - a result of merely growing up and growing out of childhood friendships. you also began building resentment against nayoung, who would become the country’s it girl in no time and stopped publicly acknowledging that she was in a girl group. you eventually no longer considered her a friend, deciding you did not want her arrogance in your life. miseul only texted you once a year to say happy birthday. this was the breakdown of the only support system you had. 

when morning came after staying up until dawn with nayoung, you found yourself sneaking back into your and jungkook’s shared hotel room. you were surprised to see that he was not in bed, but felt a salty breeze stream in from the balcony.

  you stepped forward and saw jungkook sitting down, eyes fixed on the aquamarine of the beach ahead. when you opened the door wider to let yourself out, he already knew it was you.

  “i’m sorry, bug,” he immediately said, too ashamed to look at you.

  you were convinced that it was your hothead that drove the majority of the argument and his apology made your heart sink. you were the one who threw things at the wall and spiralled without looking back. he shot back with his own words, but you knew that you were the one who started it.

  without warning, you sat right beside jungkook and wrapped your arms around his back. you put your chin on his shoulder and he physically relaxed, as if he’d been carrying sandbags for days. you whispered an apology against his neck and held back tears.

  “you’re right. i’ve been a horrible girlfriend.” you hated how bitter the words tasted. “i’m going to do my best to fix my work-life balance. you try so hard for me.”

  TOP HEADLINE TODAY: the 2017 edition of the idol star ahtletic competition now filming in goyang!ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤjanuary 2017

  you never felt at fault for your hot temper when jungkook’s jealous eye followed you like a lost puppy. it was just as much as a problem as your own shortcomings and it always felt like a battle of who’s more in the wrong between you two.

  everyone looked forward to each year’s edition of the idol star athletic championsips, a kind break amidst the hustle and bustle of a regular schedule. some of the more active idols took the games quite seriously, but for you and the rest of s.irens, it was several days of filming that were ultimately far more chill than any of your regular promotional activities. coming off the bora bora trip, a little relay race was next to nothing in terms of effort. 

  your group’s event was the last of the day, which left you and nayoung wandering around the goyang gymnasium for the meantime. you were texting jungkook to see if he was also free, when nayoung was called over by some individuals. 

  it was in a tent area away from the view of the spectators and cameras, which you were grateful for at an event where fans watched idols like hawks.

  “nayoung! and nova!”

  exo’s leader was known in the community to be charming and well-spoken, which didn’t surprise you when you found yourself struck immediately. you’d seen him around and of course watched him on television and online, but you could now see up close just how different the aura of a top boy group was. beside him was his fellow group members and participants for the archery event later that day, who were sehun and chanyeol.

  “y/n, this is junmyeon and sehun and chanyeol,” nayoung introduced, beaming. it seemed like her rise in popularity meant that she had begun rubbing elbows with a-list idols like exo.

  you mirrored her smile. “nice to meet you all. y/n is fine, just call me that,” you insisted, as the three of you exchanged bows.

  unlike your fellow group members, you didn’t find yourself to be much of a social butterfly. you hung out with them and your boyfriend - occasionally your boyfriend’s friends. yet, somehow, others knew you. sehun asked if you were doing archery again this year, which you weren’t. junmyeon complimented your group’s last release. chanyeol mentioned running into miseul at the airport the other day. 

  as the pleasantries were made, the floor rumbled with the roar of fans across the stands. in the middle of the arena, the rhythmic gymnastics event was set to begin and all eyes were trained on the competition. that is, all eyes except junmyeon’s, whose own eyes remained fixated on you. it was a foreign sensation to feel your heart leap. 

  “excited for the day ahead?” strained chanyeol, struggling to be heard over the mcs talking. 

  nayoung replied, “yeah! i think our group has a good shot at the relay event!”

  that was false, since you knew sooah was prone to tripping and falling, but you kept that to yourself with a muffled snicker. 

  “it’s definitely going to be a long day. . .” sehun said, yawning. 

  nayoung blew some hair out of her face. “at least it’s only one day of filmng this year.”

  you enjoyed participating in isac each year, as it was mostly fun and games, but it was stressful knowing that cameras were constantly on you. each day of filming felt like the equivalent of a week when you anticipated random fancams of you on the internet the next day, probably doing mundane things like saying hi to a member of exid.

  junmyeon spoke, “it’s going to be a long day, but there’s a thing happening at kc lounge tonight after filming and a bunch of our team is going to be there. chanyeol reserved a whole section for us - you should come.” it took you a second to realize he was now boldly holding out his phone. 

  although the words were meant to address both you and nayoung, he was directly facing you and only looked at you when he asked. you were caught off guard, having trouble finding the words to respond. junmyeon’s eyes were soft and his smile was inviting - you weren’t an idiot. you knew when an invitation was beyond friendly. even nayoung was side-eying you, following the inquiry.

  “uhm - “

  “i’d love to see you there.” it was hard to miss the once over he gave you, as his boys let out a low whistle at his suaveness. you couldn't help but notice the pink tint spreading across your cheeks. 

  the attention felt nice. you’d never been approached so boldly by a senior idol before. and he was hot. you didn’t know what to say, except that you were lingering in this conversation for way too long than acceptable.

  thankfully, the vibration of your own phone interrupted whatever sentence you were to form next. with a glance at the screen, the picture of you and jungkook stared back at you and you were left dumbfounded. why was he calling you in the middle of a live event? 

  you said, “sorry, i think i’m being called.”

  nayoung nudged you, prompting you to turn around and see that jungkook was staring directly at you from a few tents away. his expression was stone-cold and eyes burned in your direction. realizing what it looked like to him with junmyeon basically asking for your number, you groaned. 

  “you think it’s safe for me to walk over there?” you muttered into nayoung’s ear, ignoring the curious stares of the three exo members in front of you. junmyeon had now slowly retracted his phone away, now also noticing jungkook looking your way. 

  nayoung looked around. “maybe if you walk behind the tents, up against the wall,” she suggested, not missing jungkook either. 

  it wasn’t too bad of timing either, since the competition was mid-event and most individuals were preoccupied with that. you wouldn’t have approached him in public otherwise. 

  junmyeon seemed to understand what was going on and he only offered a small smile. “well, let me know. we’re stuck here all day, anyway,” he chuckled.

  you thanked him and excused yourself, following nayoung’s direction to discreetly make your way over to jungkook’s tent. 

  other than him, a few members of bts lingered around the tent, presumably warming up for their event later on in the day. well, that’s what you thought they were doing before, as they were now looking towards you and jungkook, probably witnessing the same interaction as your boyfriend. jungkook’s arms were folded across his chest when you approached and you were already not in the mood.

  “meet me in that hall,” you said as quickly and loudly as you could, not wanting an audience. 

  you turned around without waiting for an answer and jungkook waited several beats before trailing behind, just in case. the two of you found yourselves in the tunnel leading into the main stadium area, which was thankfully empty. 

  you were surprised that jungkook’s fuse was triggered, as you two just shared a nice dinner date the night before with no issues. however, the more you thought about it, his jealousy issues were rising recently - from one wrong stare at a party by a monsta x member the other night to being asked out by a music producer that worked with s.irens.  each interaction was met with rage.

  “are you alright?” you questioned, once you were out of earshot and eyesight from anyone.

  “were they being weird to you?” jungkook instantly replied, jaw clenched.

  you furrowed your eyebrows. “what? no,” you said. “they were just being friendly - “

  “you should stay away from exo, i wouldn’t trust a lot of those guys.”

  “isn’t taehyung friends with some of them?” you dryly shot back, but he ignored your sentiment and continued ranting about how male idols weren’t to be trusted.

  obviously, you and him both knew what he was actually annoyed about. you stood your ground, as you knew you didn’t do anything wrong. it was a harmless interaction and you didn’t expect the entire idol community to know that you and jungkook were dating - well, actually, you kind of did and it was a little bit weird to get the invite in such a flirtatious way, but you were not going to take part. it was shut down immediately, but here you were. 

  after another minute of jungkook going on about the interaction, you interrupted him by abruptly placing a kiss on his cheek. he froze.

  “stop it. i’m fine. he was just being nice,” you sighed, looking around to make sure nobody was hiding in the shadows. “now, can we go back to our jobs, jungkook?”

  though your boyfriend was normally quite relentless about these things, your words did snap him back to the reality in which you were putting your very careers at risk to even have this hushed conversations in the shadows. isac was all fun and games, but you were on the clock with cameras in every corner possible. your slight touch of affection seemed to also help, as jungkook visibly eased when you kissed him on the cheek.

  he adjusted his sweatshirt and sighed. “alright. i’m sorry.”

  and that was the end of that conversation, but another faded memory lost in the chaos of 2017.

  TOP HEADLINE TODAY: the 2017 bts live trilogy episode III (final chapter): the wings tour to commence next weekㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤfebruary 2017

  the bland eggshell walls of the bighit entertainment headquarters didn’t faze you. at the very beginning, it was unsettling just how hollow the corridors and nooks appeared to be, as if the surroundings belonged in a prison. you’d been in and out of the hallways over the past years, albeit often for very few reasons that were pleasant. though it was a huge maze, you memorized the path on floor seventeen.

  upon hearing the loud ding and the metal doors sliding open with ease, you stepped onto the said floor with nothing less than pure anger bubbling in your veins. you clearly made your way up here — through traffic and past the security at the front desk who always mistook you for a crazed fan — with a purpose. you weren’t going to rest until you gave jeon jungkook a piece of your mind. releasing a long sigh, the employees who took a glance up and saw the infuriated expression on your face didn’t even bother stopping you. this had become routine.

  the distinct voices of his group members, combined with one of the group’s tracks amplified through speakers and footsteps squeaking on the hardwood floors in immaculate unison, were enough to tell you that he was here.

  “jeon jungkook.”

  the chorus to ‘spring day’ came to a sudden halt. hoseok was the first person to take notice of you and stopped dancing when you appeared at the doorway. the others noticed fast and when jungkook finally looked up, someone had already stopped the music.

  the look shared by his group mates seemed to read that they knew exactly what he was in trouble for. the prompt end of the music seemed to indicate so. a scared expression flashed on jungkook’s face upon reading your own stone-cold one.

  last time this happened was when you found a pack of cigarettes in one of your boyfriend’s jackets, after he swore up and down to you that he was quitting nicotine. another time was because of him forgetting that you had a date that night. today, the rage running through your veins was due to something new.

  jungkook visibly winced every time you said his full name aloud and here, he nearly shuddered at the sound. his head hung low, like a puppy. he knew what he did wrong this time.

  “i’ll be right back,” you heard him mutter to namjoon who could only nod empathetically, arms folded across his chest as he observed the scene.

  for jungkook’s sake, the group broke out into forced conversation to distract from the two of you. seokjin pretended to ask hoseok for help with the choreography and taehyung wanted to suddenly show the rest of the group a video on his phone. meanwhile, the youngest of the group wordlessly followed you out into the hallway.

  “where were you last night?”

  the question was immediate, not even waiting for jungkook to shut the door behind him. he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. 

  jungkook asked, “did you really have to come all the way here to have this conversation with me?” exasperation laced his words like a bow, but you were unfazed.

  “well, clearly i don’t know when and where you’re busy,” you shot back, “so i had no choice but to come here.”

  he opened his mouth to speak again, but you cut him off by raising your phone to eye-level. on the screen was the private instagram of cha eunwoo, who posted several slides of content of cheonsa lounge in gangnam. the very first picture was him and jungkook, clutching a shot glass of dark liquor in one hand and a vape in another. upon scanning the screen, where you proceeded to move through the instagram post - one picture of jungkook posing with eunwoo and the bottle girls from the club and the next being jungkook holding a bottle of champagne - silence filled the air.

  jungkook’s shoulders drop in defeat. “i’m sorry, it was a last minute thing - “

  “how last minute?! i called you at ten last night, asking if we could have a movie night in,” you cut him off, “and you said you were feeling sick! you don’t look so sick in these photos, huh?”

  “i was feeling sick, i swear!” he exclaimed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “the boys called me an hour after that and guilt-tripped me into coming - “

  “oh, please.”

  jungkook huffed. “i’m telling the truth!””

  if you were being honest with yourself, it wasn’t a far-fetched idea that jungkook’s boys did, in fact, drag him out to the club the night before. regardless of that, you were more upset with the fact that he declined you, but said yes to his friends. 

  “is a night in with me too boring for you now?” you questioned, jaw clenched. “if you were going out, you could have at least asked me to come!”

  “you don’t have to come out every time with me, y/n, i need time with my friends,” he replied and sighed once more. 

  this made you even more mad. “when did i say you can’t have time with your friends?!” you didn’t like the fact that jungkook was making you out to be such a control freak.

  jungkook groaned. “i didn’t say that!”

  nothing had been the same since the bora bora trip earlier that year. sure, you and jungkook fought like any other couple, but it was never this bad and this frequent. it was as if the fight in the hotel was the first domino to a cascade of falls. coupled with your increasingly exhausting schedules and other factors affecting your relationship, such as your career-driven mindset that was prioritized over everything and bts’ rise to international fame, it was only natural that you and jungkook would only drift farther apart.

  yet, neither of you were ready to walk away. as you and jungkook continued your back and forth for several more minutes to come in the darkened hallway of bighit entertainment, you could hear the opening notes to spring day once more - his fellow members presumably giving up on waiting for him to return before resuming practice.

  i miss you, was the opening line to spring day and it physically hurt your heart to listen to, as jungkook stood just a few feet away from you and still seemed so far away. the two of you gave each other the silent treatment for the next week after.

  TOP HEADLINE TODAY: s.irens fans grow restless as the group's comeback is pushed once again, allegedly to accomodate main dancer go nayoung's filming schedule for mbc's 'far away' dramaㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ   september 2017

  for once, you and jungkook were not getting hazy heads amidst the lights of a nightclub or a packed party, but a charity ball. held at the spacious estate of a member of the family behind hyundai, it was a sight to behold and made jungkook forget that he was in the middle of seoul. he found himself in the back gardens, underneath a marble gazebo that overlooked the lush flowers and twinkling lights of the area. they shone like stars, string lights that hung all around the gardens, and jungkook wished he could share this sight with you.

  things were fuzzy with you, but jungkook held out hope that you would be able to pick up the pieces and fix things soon. after a string of fights the past few months, you had finally reached your wits’ end. it was an imploding, inevitable time bomb that was going to set off sooner rather than later. you and jungkook were beginning to butt heads more than not and one random thursday night, it was d-day.

  there weren’t too many places in the city that would be safe for even just a normal stroll with your boyfriend, which was an unfortunate truth that jungkook had to swallow for years on end. more than anything in the world, he wanted to flaunt you to the whole world to show everyone just how lucky he was. he was so in love with you and that was never going to change.

  from the moment he met you, he was smitten with your beauty and the nail in the coffin was your addicting personality that he was so naturally in sync with. to have someone so incredibly bewitching as his best friend, all jungkook ever wanted to do was scream to the world that you were his girlfriend. 

  instead, your date nights since the turn of your early twenties consisted of outings like secluded nature walks, friends’ homes, long drives, and if you were careful, the corner store at night. maybe that was why jungkook loved enjoying the seoul nightlife with you - it was a safe space where you could be with each other and with each other, the most important thing other than pounding music and letting alcohol wash away your worries.

  your last date was no different, as jungkook suggested to take a walk along the han river. you had no qualms about the suggestion - though, evaluating the place as a date wasn’t the catalyst to your agreement. you knew that there was a conversation to be had and you could have done in anywhere at that point. it’d been over two weeks since you last saw each other, as missed opportunities sipped from your fingers to sit jungkook down and have a talk about your relationship with him.

  jungkook saw you from a mile away - it was hard not to when you were literally wearing one of his hoodies. even though it’d felt like forever since the dna promotions began taking over his life and you were off filming a drama, he could always spot you in a crowded room in just seconds. you were waiting by the water, looking off into the seoul night skyline. a black baseball cap hid most of your face and you were smoking a cigarette - a habit that you eventually picked up from jungkook, despite initially chewing him out for the unhealthy habit. you eventually decided that you were also too overworked to not have a vice.

  on the other hand, jungkook had been cold turkey for a whole month. he’d grown disappointed of himself for giving in so often on ruining his health, especially as a singer. a frown tugged at his lips when he approached you, just as you were finishing up.

  your eyes always brightened when you saw jungkook, but tonight, you saw something in his own that prevented it. offering a small smile, you walked closer up without a hint of a light in your eyes.

  “hi kookie,” you whispered and pulled him into a tight embrace. jungkook always loved your scent - a strong cinnamon and vanilla smell that warmed his heart, even on breezy autumn nights like this one.

  his face was in your hair, holding you just as tight, when he realized something. something odd.

  jungkook stepped half a foot apart when the hug concluded, examining your features. “there’s something wrong, isn’t there?” he asked, as the anxiety came to settle in after you chose to hug him instead of kiss kim.

  your lips pressed into a thin line and he knew. you insisted that you two hold hands during this walk, which he wanted to refuse, but eventually decided to remain quiet about it. hands clasped, you two began to stroll south of the river.

  for a bit, you and jungkook bantered about how you stole his hoodie without him even realizing it. then, an uncomfortable silenced emerged, as you both could only listen to the light stream of the han and the passing cars nearby. 

  it was jungkook that said something first.

  you let him speak freely because on any other day, it would be a battle marked by avoidance and stonewalling. jungkook had suddenly come to a stop in the middle of the path, after the silence became too grand for him. he reached his limit, too.

  “we should take a break.”

things had been getting weird for a while now between the two of you. you were always fighting and when you weren't fighting, it was when jungkook was overseas, away on the wings tour.

  that’s when your heart began racing. “a break? you want to separate?” 

  “we obviously can’t be together. this isn’t working out. we clash too much and we’re always screaming at each other and we’re risking our jobs and - fuck, i’m sorry.”

  the rant was cut short when jungkook, after pacing back and forth as he spiralled with each word, paused in his tracks at the sight of tears streaming abundantly down your cheeks. he stopped and immediately felt the ball of anxiety at the bottom of his stomach transfigure into a heavy dread accentuated by guilt, weighing heavy on the inside. his chest began hurting and apologies fell from his lips, as he took you right back into his arms.

  “i love you, i know it’s been hard, but we can’t break up,” you hiccuped in between each short breath, barely audible when your crying face was pressed up against jungkook’s chest. “do-do you really feel that way?”

  jungkook rapidly shook his head, not even taking time to think about it. “no, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean it. i’m sorry!” he cooed, rocking you back and forth.

  after a moment of just crying from the two of you, you were finally able to catch your breath and rubbed jungkook’s back, hoping it would help him catch his. his breathing eventually slowed back to normal.

  “but, i think you’re right. . .” your voice suddenly emerged, barely above a whisper. “i don’t want to lose you. . .but we need space.”

  “i’d do anything to save this relationship,” jungkook replied and the statement brought you an unknown feeling, spreading across your mind. “whatever you think is best. i can’t lose my best friend - let’s take some time and come back stronger.”

  and that was the agreement. it had been just about a month since it happened and there was no progress since. your and jungkook’s schedules were busier than ever and it was only a coincidence that you both ended up at the same charity ball.

  for the first time in a long time, seeing you felt like remnants of a far away memory - shattered glass pieces of your relationship dancing in the air that, if jungkook tried hard enough, could be grasped at and remembered. your hair was now blonde and made longer with extensions, brushing just above your tailbone. you wore a periwinkle evening dress, soft satin mirroring the chandeliers on the high ceilings and fanned out into a flattering mermaid tail shape. jungkook hadn’t seen you with such makeup before, as you wore a cherry red lip and a sharp cateye. you looked different. . .good, but different.

  jungkook saw you in the foyer, mingling with some chaebols and looking bored. jungkook noticed that you came with sooah, presumably to represent s.irens or your company as a whole, but neither of you so much as looked at each other. jungkook grew worried that you were slowly isolating yourself from your friends. he was also worried that your bored eyes were instead tired eyes from such a hectic schedule.

  there wasn’t any way that jungkook was going to get your attention in that moment, so he instead carried on with his night as normal. he greeted friends, looked for opportunities to network, and helped himself to the fine wine. after an hour, he wandered outside to get some fresh air. then, he looked out at the beauty of the gardens and thought of you, as he strolled down the cobblestone path with a glass of red in one hand.

  he wasn’t sure how long he’d been pondering for under the gazebo, until he saw the time of his watch and realized that it was probably time for dinner to be served. jungkook sighed, stepping out of the gazebo to make his way back inside the manor, sneaking one more look at the calming moon and hoping to run into you at the party. 

  jungkook’s wishes were met sooner than expected, as he spotted you by a tucked away corner, smiling from ear to ear. he was taken aback to see the source of your giggling, being some guy he knew from the korean national football team. one of their best players, actually, as jungkook was quite a fan. he was one of the most popular athletes in the country, it was no surprise that he’d be brushing elbows with other a-listers at this charity ball. jungkook hand clenched into a fist, watching the two of you flirt away from everyone else.

  throughout your years together, jungkook was always a bit of a possessive type. in the way you were far from perfect, he also understood his own flaws. i mean there was quite a lot, like anyone else - he was also bad at communicating his feelings, often shutting down, and cared a lot about appearances.  

  none of that mattered in this moment, as he began walking straight toward you.

  in your defense, you genuinely believed that space meant that you were single. had you been the one to make a fuss about breaking up? yes, but. . .well, there was no but. it’d been years since you were able to prance around without the worries of a relationship and although you wanted jungkook back, it was admittedly freeing. 

  bae sejoon was the striker on the men’s national team and had been eying you since you walked into the estate. the two of you previously crossed paths at a lounge in gangnam a few months ago and now seeing that jungkook was not presently attached to your hip, he made the first move. it was hard to ignore - his coy smirk and athletic build that exuded masculinity. however, your only intentions were to simply ravel in the attention sejoon was willing to give to you.

  as soon as you arrived to the event, sooah already left to go greet some of her model friends in the main dining room. she didn’t ask you to join - you’d been drifting apart since the beginning of the year and moving out of the dorns. meanwhile, you planned to politely mingle with other guests, given that you were technically here because of work - despite wanting nothing more but to lay low and keep to yourself. 

  “well, maybe we should go together. can’t believe you’ve never been to the best cafe in all of seoul.”

  instead, you were batting your eyelashes at sejoon, who’d been going on about some french-style cafe that just opened up in the city. you didn’t think he was a particularly interesting guy, but he was cute. a cute distraction. 

  you said, “that sounds fun.”

  except, sejoon didn’t know that you stopped drinking coffee two years ago. he didn’t know that you found little coffee shops pretentious and too hipster-y for your liking. you forced a smile. 

  jungkook always got you pastries straight from one particular bakery. he remembered your matcha order word for word. he made fun of coffee shops that tried too hard to be different with you. he. . . . he was now right in front of you?

  you made it known to jungkook that you loved seeing him in all black. as the first kiss of autumn dawned upon seoul, he donned a long sleeve dress shirt and slacks. tailored and in the consistent shade of all black, the sight lit a fire in your stomach and you found yourself in a haze of how good he looked. 

  jungkook never hid how attracted he was to you, even after all these years of being together. he scanned your appearance from head to toe, licking his lips. it was as if there wasn’t a whole third person in your presence, as explicit images ran through both of your minds. it’d been so long since you saw each other and the tension in the air was like molasses. 

  “hi y/n,” jungkook greeted, not even looking sejoon’s way, until the other male cleared his throat. “am i interrupting something?” the glare jungkook sent sejoon was sharper than a blade.

  sejoon rolled his eyes, already realizing his defeat. “yes, actually,” he replied. 

  your eyes remained trained on jungkook until that moment, where you had to physically shake it off. 

  “jungkook, you know sejoon,” you began reluctantly, noticing jungkook’s hard planted feet.

  he only grunted in response, still not caring enough to say anything to sejoon and acknowledge him. 

  at this point, sejoon was over it. he looked at you and then at jungkook’s menacing figure, arms crossed and glare still fixed. it was as if you watched him calculating his odds during this conversation and decided there was no winning.

  sejoon turned to you, a crease in between his eyebrows. “nice chatting with you,” he said and solemnly walked away.

  you would have otherwise rolled your eyes at such a dramatic reaction if it weren’t for jungkook standing in front of you. everything about him was so mesmerizing, as the time away truly made the heart grow fonder. the smirk pressed against his lips showed that jungkook knew exactly what kind of effect he still had on you.

  “i’ve missed you,” were the words that fell out of your mouth, almost instantly, and you wanted to kick yourself. how pathetic.

  jungkook eyed you. “didn’t look like it just now,” he tried to be casual, but the sharpness in his voice was loud.

  “still as jealous as ever, huh?”

  your initial tactic was to play hard to get - even if you and jungkook had been together for years, it’d been so long since you could just flirt and tease him. it was a spark that’d been missing for quite some time now. a smile played mischievously on your lips.

  truthfully, this was what jungkook needed. he was initially despondent upon your agreement to give each other space, sulking for several days until work got too busy to be dwelling on emotions. the time away and seeing you look at another man sparked something in him, too. his lids grew heavy.

  he said, “so, this is what space means for you, huh?”

  jungkook sounded as angry as he was hungry. it set him off, as his gaze lowered further and further down your body. on any day he would be ticked off, but his feelings of frustrations today instead felt warm and inviting. you froze when he stepped closer towards you, close enough that you could simply speak in secrets. 

  “i don’t know what you’re talking about,” was all that could come out of your mouth in a heavy breath, too mesmerized to make any further attempts at wit.

  he was now just about nose to nose with you, but you couldn’t muster up the strength to meet his eyes.

  “you’re nervous.”

  “no, i’m not,” you said, edge in your voice.

  lying right through your teeth wasn’t the best strategy when jungkook could see past it like glass. you were happy to flirt and dish it out, but being so close to jungkook so suddenly left you at a loss for words. you forgot where you were for a second and when you realized that the two of you were in public, your heart began beating like a butterfly’s wings. despite this, he was bold. he didn’t move an inch, willing to risk it all. 

  jungkook let out a low chuckle. “you won’t look me in the eye. you’re nervous, baby.”

  “what do you want, jungkook?” you asked slowly.

  his gaze trailed back to where sejoon walked off to. “what was all that about?” he said.

  the answer was glaringly obvious to you, as jungkook innocently brushed a hair from your eyes and you resisted the urge to shudder at his touch. nothing in the world compared to this feeling.

  “honestly?” you began, as identical smirks began to form on both of your faces. “nothing. nothing at all.”

  that was all that needed to be said. jungkook, without tearing his eyes away from you, wordlessly took his phone out of his pocket and made a call. he licked his lips as he spoke and everything else in the world faded to grey. jungkook was a cascade of the colours of the rainbow, illuminating brighter and brighter like the sun until you were blinded from seeing anything else. he was a kaleidoscope that shone in front of you and you were emerging from a place with no light.

  it took you a few moments to realize that jungkook was calling his driver. however, as far as he was concerned, the night wasn’t over - it was just getting started.

  jungkook finally stepped away and you somehow felt so cold. “i’m going to leave out of the west wing doors. my car is there. leave out the east wing doors and walk around to meet me.” his directions were precise and somehow not commanding. tone soft and a gentle hand on the small of your back, it was the worst feeling of all.

  familiarity. comfort. home.

  all you could do was nod, your chest growing louder with excitement. both of your synergies were one and you both knew what idea came to mind. not much else needed to be said and there wasn’t a single part of you that could say no. his knowing smile was haunting.

  after parting ways in opposite directions - as if a conversation didn’t even occur -  you eventually ended up in the back of a limousine with jungkook.

  time moved oddly in between those two moments, as the only thing you could think of was jungkook. it was an addiction no different than chips across a roulette layout or a cup of espresso at the same time everyday. 

  thankfully, the driver’s partition was already up when jungkook opened the door for you, because he immediately captured your lips before you could even sit down. like second nature, your fingers found themselves in the crown of his hair and his hand held your neck like a trophy. you both stumbled, now sat - at least he was. you were already straddling his lap. he tasted like red wine and you could have indulged for forever. 

  “mph, that’s what i fucking thought,” he mumbled against your lips and you took his as an opportunity to slide your tongue into his mouth.

  his hands began hiking your previously eloquent gown up, enough that he could grip your thighs from underneath. your own hands found the buttons of his shirt, as the limousine began to speed off in what were probably going to be circles until jungkook told the driver to stop. 

  being in love was a vicious cycle that proved to be endless. this pattern would only continue from here on out. no matter how deep your passions for each other ran and no matter how addicting each others’ touches were, it only grew worse from here. more fights than lasted weeks to only be swept under the rug with a fuck and make up or a bottle of whiskey shared between you both. growing issues that were overlooked because that was your best friend. 

  your heart was no longer in it - it was trapped. all you could do was forget and forgive. all jungkook could do was beg and shower you with love. the night at the charity ball was one of many roots that eventually grew into deep seated resentment.

LATEST HEADLINE TODAY: hotel azure: what is this up and coming spot for idols in south korea and why is it so special?ㅤㅤ

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Okay, I think the situation between Mama Spade and Lilia is absolutely hilarious! I can't but think of Silver and Deuce hearing rumors beforehand that Lilia is going to like to propose to her sometime at Family Day and then spying from out from bushes or trees if that is true and once it happens, it turns out that Lilia just was giving Mama Spade a Ring Pop because he is proposing they go out on a date not necessarily proposing marriage like the rumors claim. Maybe Lilia could also tease them a little or something because he thinks it's funny they assumed that he was actually going to ask Mama Spade to marry him, the silly boys😂

(Hope this request makes sense and I'm excited to see what you will come up with 🥺)

[Referencing this interaction! (Please be warned that it may be OOC; we hadn't formally met Deuce's mom at the time of writing that initial interaction.)]

Family means Nobody is Left Behind or Forgotten.

"I heard Deuce's mom and Silver's dad have something going on."

"I saw them flirting under the apple tree."

"He's going to propose to her before the day's over."

It was that flurry of rumors that the resulting worry that had led Deuce here: in the bushes, where the leaves and branches shielded him from sight. What he hadn't expected was to crash into another body, to be staring into a pair of aurora-colored irises in the dim space between the shrubs.

On instinct, Deuce opened his mouth--but Silver quickly clamped a hand over it, signaling with his other hand to keep quiet. The first year nodded obediently. A silent agreement was made; this was a mission they were in on together.

They peered out from their hiding spot and into the courtyard.

"You haven't had a chance to grab lunch?" Lilia Silver's dad was saying, brows raised in surprise. He addressed a woman with a navy bob, blonde stripes running through it.

She stuck out like a sore thumb among the other adult women in attendance. Instead of a dress or a pantsuit, she was in jeans and boots, a utility belt looped around her waist. Her jacket and cap were emblazoned with White Rabbit Deliveries' logo. A black spade earring shone on her ear, and her makeup was simple: nude lipstick and a faint golden shimmer on her lids.

"No, it's just been so busy today!" Dylla confessed. "I'm not used to sitting in so many meetings. It's usually me, the truck, and the open road. I got so caught up with everything else that eating must've slipped my mind."

"My, that's no good--no good at all. You need nourishment to keep your energy up," he said with the shake of his head. "I believe you're in luck though. I happen to have something to lift your spirits!"

"Really now? You managed to find time to prepare a surprise for me?" Dylla laughed. "Are you magic?"

"I can be, if you'd like." The reply was teasing, said in a tone that suggested something more.

"Haha, what is that supposed to mean?"

Deuce tensed.

Silver's dad was reaching into the pocket of his slacks. His hand, closing around an object he couldn't yet make out.

A ring? Deuce's stomach lurched. B-But...

His mom's promise hit him hard and fast.

“H-Hey now! I may have been a little swept off my feet by him, but I’m not marrying the guy!! No shotgun weddings here!! Wh-Who even marries a stranger they met in a day?!”

Mom... Did you lie to me back then to protect my feelings?

He began to shake all over, filled with an emotion that didn't quite have a label. No, it was all of his emotions at once flooding him. Silver frowned, laying a sympathetic hand on his underclassman's shoulder to soothe him.

"Dylla--May I call you that?"

"Yeah, of course. It'd be weird to keep having you call me 'Mrs. Spade' after all this time we spent together."

"Then I have an important question for you, Dylla. A question so important it may just change the trajectory of your life forever."

"What is it?" She leaned into him, lowering her voice to a whisper. Her eyes shone like pools of starlight. "You're being so mysterious."

He lifted his hand from his pocket, fingers still closed around whatever was in his palm. Deuce caught a glimpse of a sparkle between the index and thumb. His heart stood still.

"Dylla Spade. Will you do me the honor of--"

Deuce couldn't help himself. He tore away from Silver, launching out of the bushes with a roar, his arms flailing wildly.

"ST~OOOOOOP...!!"

The adults startled. Deuce stood before them, panting heavily, teary eyed, some leaves and a few sticks caught in his hair. He doubled over, clutching his knees.

"P-Please, Mr. Silver's Dad...!! If you want my mom's hand in marriage... YOU'LL HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME FIRST, SO PUT'M UP!!" Deuce raised both hands, clenched into threatening fists. In spite of his tears, he attempted to look fierce. "C'mon, let's GO!"

"D-Deuce?! Hold on, sweetie--what's this about?!" Dylla demanded.

An awkward cough sounded from behind him.

"I apologize for the intrusion, father... and Mrs. Spade," Silver muttered. "I tried to stop him, but..."

His father looked at Deuce, then at his own son.

Then he burst out into peals of laughter.

"Kufufufu! I see, I see. So this is what you were up to while we hit it off. Sneaking around and spying on the adults, are we? Naughty boys," he tutted. "What strange ideas you came up with and allowed yourselves to be taken in by."

Deuce blinked. "S-So... You're NOT proposing to my mom?"

"Proposing!!" Dylla smacked her son on the arm. "You're not serious, Deuce!!"

"B-But it really did look like he was going to..."

"Did I?" Silver's dad chuckled, opening his hand. Nestled square in his palm was a comedically large candy gemstone set on a plastic band. "I was merely going to offer this snack I had been saving to enjoy for myself later."

“… O-Oh.” Deuce turned as red as his dorm leader when he was livid. Embarrassment blazed in every one of his blood cells. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

Silver sighed, relieved. “Thank goodness…”

“S-So sorry about that!!” Deuce hurriedly bent into an apologetic bow. “Please forget you saw anything!!”

“It’s alright. No harm, no foul!” Silver’s dad glanced at Dylla, his mouth curling. “Though of course, I was also intending to invite the lady on a no-strings-attached lunch outing if she was interested~”

Dylla’s eyes widened. “You really are a charmer.”

He winked back. “Oh, I know. Should I take that as an emphatic yes then?”

“Yes, yes, a thousand times yes,” she said, roughly running a hand through his hair. It was left a mess, but he only laughed and popped the candy ring upon her naked finger.

Huh… I’ve never seen mom smile like that, even when she was with dad.

“… Hey, Silver-senpai?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think your dad and my mom are…?” He couldn’t complete the sentence. Didn’t have the courage to. “… Never mind.”

I don’t need to know right now. All that matters is that they’re happy as they are.

[random--rants]

It keeps hitting me randomly...

I'm telling myself whatever grief or emotions I'm processing is valid.

Parasocial relationships are weird but Attachment is Attachment even if it's one way. Grief is Grief.

This is how emotional dependance and gratitude works I suppose. It's not overreacting over some celebrity's death but the effect left is real to mourn for ages.

Unexplainable, a love that only we could understand as 1D said💯

Regret in other four boys' statement is what's getting to me...

"Wish I'd asked if you were okay one more time"

"Wish I could hug you one more time"

"Wish we could share same stage again"

"I'm finding myself talking out loud to you"

"Never thought it was our last Goodbye"...🥺😖

This whole situation sums up one thing again...

Appreciate the people around you, Validate their feelings.

Often tell the people you love that you love them.

Hold on to people who hold on to you

Let people know that you care, Slow down because it's just life and it'll be over before we realise.

Five years back, found these boys on a random afternoon, initial plan was just to know their names but....they changed the trajectory of a girl who never felt enough, who never felt belonged anywhere, who always thought she was a bad luck factor in her loved one's life, who had a constant subconscious wish that something should happen to her so she can disassociate from this world.

Sometimes obsessions save people... Atleast in my case. They gave me a sense of belonging and warmth, assuring that it was all in my head.

I've seen someone saying that the hardest part of being a fan is not able to save the person who saved you in your darkest times... 💔

And just like that I've lost one from my Safest HOME.

Payno...our Leeroy, if you are listening... You and boys will always be there in The Story Of My Life. My kids will grow up hearing The Story of Us, how their mum was healed by five random boys, how she got a Home far far far away from Home, how obsessed she was with them, how she'll be forever indebted to them and how One Direction gave her the right direction to love herself atleast a bit.

You'll be timeless Liam. You'll live till the last breath of the last directioner on this planet. Since you saved us you have a share in our souls right 🫂

May be in another life, we had a perfect reunion.

May be in another life, you'll get to see Little Bear grow up into a man.

Just wake me up from this or give me some tips to forget about it 'cause a knife to chest would hurt lesser.

Thank you Liam, Love You Goodbye 🖤

❤️💛🇨🇮💙💚

[sweetdreamsjeff]

Jeff Buckley’s Iconic Flame

By Jane Gabriels

May 2017

In May 1997, we heard rumors. We called from pay phones scattered throughout the East Village to get our messages: “Did you hear?” We heard each other say, “Jeff is strong.” For three days, we were in limbo. We heard a musician tell another regular from the Sin-é, “You know Jeff, he probably got tempted by a good meal, and he’s off lounging on a lawn chair in someone’s backyard.” And then, “How could that have happened?” Boots and undercurrents and waves knocked him under and wouldn’t let go.

Just like all of us.

We have his voice, and the climb of his songs, and where they leave to find you again.

When I write about the early ’90s East Village, it’s like opening and closing doors rapidly, like blinking, like creating a film from photographs. When you’re not from N.Y.C. and you move here to live, you’re after a dream you can’t always quite name.

Sit on a bench in Tompkins Square Park until, if you’re lucky, you imagine hearing how the beats and melodies spiraling out of Sin-é, the Living Room, Fez Under Time Café, Sticky Mike’s Frog Bar, Tonic, the Bottom Line, CBGBs, the Pink Pony, Other Music, and Tower Records sunk into the ground here. You can definitely hear the music moving towards you from Arlene’s, Irving Plaza, the Mercury Lounge, Scratchers. Under these trees, and the length of their elegant branches, this is the central heartbeat. The songs mingle—layering, collapsing, re-arranging—informing the mood and the way we walk and talk together. Even with these venues gone, traces of how they held voices and songs circulate.

***

We were in the East Village for the music, for dance, for creativity. We were there for late night talks after shows at the cube at Astor Place. We’d put our hands on one of its corners to push it: to move our own minds into a refreshed perspective. We let the city revolve our cells.

The first time I heard Jeff play at Sin-é, I remember three or four people in the room. One minute we were seated separately at tables with cups of coffee and the next, we were all hands on deck in a storm on high seas. Jeff was the captain making the storm and leading us through.

You tell me how that happened, this sudden journey he created for us to disappear into.

Standing at the microphone, he released his head, threw it forward with his mouth open, teeth exposed. This high-pitched cry, both held within and barely contained by his mouth, unleashed. Like it had always been there, and finally asked to be revealed. Jeff was there to find something, to call it to surface, to sing his way forward through that cry. This cry he imagined also calling him—the guitar holding ground.

I think I was holding my breath.

In 1993, four songs launched a career out of his first recorded album, Live at Sin-é. My loud whoop, learned from imitating the dancers in my West African classes at Fareta, is the last sound recorded from the audience. The first time I heard myself on that record, I almost fell over.

Jeff played inside the songs, alive with the music, and brought them more to life. People sometimes remember covers of his songs more than they connect with the originals.

What I can tell you from that night is that there was an air of concentration, a re-tuning of vibrations in that familiar room that moved his work and performance from a neighborhood gig into another form. Here was something that would mark forever his days at the Sin-é. A moment before his life changed, again. It’s not like you make a record like Live at Sin-é and then continue to play only there. We were suddenly part of that trajectory molded from outside his own resources.

Another thing about that night: the clapping between songs was punctuation. A lull where we could move to mark the in-between together.

I think of him when the train stops at Union Square on a Friday, 6:00 p.m., and there’s a band playing. How it pulls at you to run up the crowded mountain of stairs to explode and decompose yourself in their planet. The drummer throws his stick up in the air; it twirls, and he catches it in time to pound out the next beat. Jeff would have loved it.

He’s inspiring, twenty years after his death. And this is how I am writing about Jeff. He filled his aloneness with beautiful things. I think we waited for him to play out of his mind, so we could leave ours, and go someplace better.

Contributor

Jane Gabriels

[imtherainbownow]

the stars have guided me to you, fin. you must be stupefied to be in the illustrious presence of the greatest astrologer in all of teyvat. pick your jaw up for the floor and give me your hand. i’ll give you a reading of your fate purer than your eyes can see that will change the trajectory of your life forever. shall we begin, or will you continue to gawp?

you are a sagittarius, and freminet is a libra, a very social pair of friends, wouldn’t you think? your positive energy is infectious and draws attention from others, while his natural charm catches even the most unpleasant people off guard. together, you know how to turn frowns upside down and get a party started—if he were not shy, that is. air and fire signs get along very well, but beware, for he might wound your convictions, and you might find him having too much control over your friendship. take the time to articulate your concerns and make it clear how you are hurting each other. that will strengthen your bonds.

now to the next part of your reading, spring. i can see your thoughts, and they go to peaches almost immediately, the sweetest kind with juice that dribbles down your chin. that could be an accurate representation of your friendship, easily bruised but sweet and satisfying at the same time. when you think of warmth, it’s natural to feel all warm inside when you’re close to someone you admire and treasure. when you think of dancing in the rain, a light drizzle didn’t hurt anyone, and waltzing with your best friend, making big splashes as you jump in puddles, that is a testament to the wildness of youth.

him? he thinks about winter in snezhnaya and how much it differs from his homeland. though he’s never been there a lot, the climate sends chills down his spine, unlike the season of spring. doodles in the sand after you go diving into the sea with him, water dripping from your clothes as you draw figures of the creatures you saw or each other. the games you would play, sometimes longing to spend time with one another till midnight, though he could never stay that long. his fight or flight nature, how he tunes out the rest of the world by wearing his diving helmet, how he thinks of submerging his head in the water till it fills his ears so he cannot hear anything. you’re always there; the grip of your hand on his arm grounds him from the sea he is sinking in.

didn’t i say i’d impress you? freminet is someone who doesn’t open up easily to others; an introvert would stay in his shell rather than socialize, but you’re the first step in coaxing him to come out. appreciate your friends, for they are the ones who will be there whenever and wherever.

~ B

!!!!!!!!!

Please excuse my language B, but hoooooly shit!! The cycle continues on. My friend coaxed me out of my own shell. I’d do the same to Fremi. Read like I’m an open book.

May the wind guide you and the rest of the Hexenzirkl B, my friends and wish you well, and that the words of my pages follow you to great heights!

[druidgroves]

😒 💀 👻 👀 💩 for Georgia + one oc of your choice

thank you bo !! georgia + allison bc they're og babygirls

get to know people in my oc's life

😒 …someone my muse hates.

The obvious answer for Georgia is Kellogg. Not a very interesting answer, but she hates the guy more than she's ever hated anything. Vault-Tec may have changed the trajectory of her life forever via cryo, but Kellogg tore it apart in front of her & inflicted so much trauma. We're getting closer to her fight with him in BLP & I am so excited lmao.

Allison hates Cullen with a passion. His "mages aren't people like you and me" comment pushed what would have been regular hatred of a templar into burning rage. She doesn't wanna be the exception. Being a mage is who she is & she's still a person despite it. When she visits Skyhold later on she definitely brings it up in front of the Inquisitor & the rest of their advisors, just to be petty.

💀 …someone my muse would kill for.

Without a doubt Georgia would & has killed for her son. The first time it was Kellogg, before she knew Shaun grew up & eventually figured out the ten year old she saw in his memories & inside the Institute was a synth. Even after she takes in synth!Shaun, by the end of the game she's already sold herself as the kind of person who wants to make the world a safer place for her family by any means.

Allison is kind of in the same boat--she's killed for family & for friends. She values her relationships to the rest of the Kirkwall crew highly & like. All of their personal quests involve some sort of killing lmao. She killed people in pursuit of her baby brother when he got nabbed. Allison repeatedly & willingly puts herself on the line for those she loves.

👻 …someone my muse considers a best friend.

Georgia's bestie is a hard tie between Preston & Piper. Preston was there from the beginning & they leaned on each other a lot in the early days after she left the vault. He taught her the basics of surviving in the new world she found herself in & she served as inspiration to keep going for him. He's her right hand man & she probably trusts him the most out of all of her companions. Piper serves best as a friend Georgia can chill out & gossip with, the kind of friend she sorely needed before the bombs. Piper is funny & loud & unafraid to be herself or express her opinions & Georgia truly admires that about her.

Allison's best friend is, of course, Varric. He talks about her like she hung the moon & Allison made him the fucking godfather of her child. She loves the man like family. Besides Varric, though, since he's the obvious choice, I think her next best friend would be Isabela. She's the most chill out of all the companions & the best at providing a break when Allison needs one. She also loves hearing about Bela's time at sea :)

👀 …someone my muse likes, but doesn’t trust.

Georgia likes Deacon but doesn't trust him as far as she can throw him (on account of the fact that he was technically stalking her even if it was for "the greater good"). She thinks he's funny & likes hanging out with him on Railroad stuff, but she basically treats him like a coworker.

Allison likes but does not trust Sebastian. Tbh I haven't really played much with him all that much but even if I did, his (admittedly somewhat understandable) reaction at the end of Act 3 would be her cut off point. Threaten her lover like that after years of being friends with her? You're done lmao. Post-DA2 Allison sees Sebastian as former friend but now a distant threat (distant so long as she & Anders can keep safe in hiding).

💩 …someone my muse dislikes, but admires.

Georgia & Cait don't get along very well due to opposing personalities & morals, but Georgia does admire her! Cait is everything Georgia isn't: tough, strong, & doesn't fall to social pressures. Georgia sees traits in Cait that she wishes came easier to her & in a way she's kind of jealous.

Allison isn't too fond of Samson for obvious reasons (since he is an ex-templar) but admires the fact that he put his neck on the line to assist mages. Overall she thinks he's pretty skeevy but overlooks that fact whenever they interact over the course of the game. If/when she got the news that he was leading the Red Templars for Corypheus, any goodwill she had left was probably diminished.

[jdgo51]

Using Worship as a Weapon

Today's inspiration comes from:

Using Worship as a Weapon

by Shawn Johnson

"Have seven priests carry trumpets of rams’ horns in front of the ark. On the seventh day, march around the city seven times, with the priests blowing the trumpets." — Joshua 6:4

“'The rules are simple,” Pastor Chris told my wife and me.

“Take this Bluetooth speaker into that room, blast some worship music, and start worshiping and praying out loud together.”

Jill loved those instructions. I hated them.

I’m a pastor, so you wouldn’t think that would be a difficult task for me, but I can’t stand praying with my wife. She’s an incredible prayer warrior, and I feel like a stuttering idiot. Even after all these years of marriage, this far into my relationship with God, it still feels awkward for me to pray with her at length.

I hope that is freeing for some of you. Stop feeling guilty. It’s not just you!

“That’s right,” he continued, “it’s time to start worshiping. You’re both going to pray out loud for thirty straight minutes at the volume of the music.”

When Pastor Chris saw the deer-in-the-headlights look I gave him, he explained the method to his madness. He reminded us we were in a battle, and the first two weapons we needed to use were prayer and worship.

The whole thing was a little confusing. Prayer doesn’t fix my anxiety; at times it gives me even more of it. And worship is something we do in church services that, truthfully, makes me feel insecure and often makes my feet hurt when they have us standing for so long.

I thought, I’m here fighting for my life. We are going to war. And our weapons of choice are prayer and worship?

But then he said something that changed the trajectory of my life:

“Satan hates it when we pray like this. It destroys him.”

That’s what I needed to hear. His words instantly brought me back to something that had happened less than a year prior, an experience that changed my family’s lives forever. An event where I felt like God was telling me to stop seeing worship as singing songs in church and begin viewing it as a weapon to battle for my freedom.

“Satan hates it when we pray like this. It destroys him.”

THE WALLS OF JERICHO

I had been studying and preaching in the book of Joshua, the man who miraculously took the nation of Israel across the Jordan River into the promised land. But when he got into the promised land, as I mentioned earlier, he still had to fight thirty-one battles to take possession of it.

The very first battle is somewhat famous. Even if you haven’t been in church much, you may have heard of the Battle of Jericho. It’s this crazy story where God instructed the nation of Israel to march around Jericho for seven straight days. And on the last day, God told them to start worshiping, singing, yelling, praising God, and playing instruments.

The interesting thing is, the trumpets God instructed them to play were sometimes used as a battle cry before the battle but were most often used to celebrate after a victory. The Israelites would always fire up the worship music after they won a battle. But in this case, God told them to start worshiping, singing, yelling, and playing those instruments before they saw the victory.

What?

Celebrate before they had anything to celebrate? Worship before they saw the outcome they wanted? That doesn’t make any sense, and yet that’s exactly what God called them to do.

And the results were mind-blowing. You can read all about it in Joshua 6. Essentially, as soon as they started worshiping, Jericho’s walls, which were securely barred, miraculously fell, and the Israelites were able to overcome the city.

The Israelites didn’t have a chance on their own strength. However, right in the middle of their confusion, fear, anxiety, depression, and (I have to believe) feelings of hopelessness, God showed up in a spectacular way. They experienced freedom and a victory they never dreamed possible. And the whole thing was put in motion with a weapon called worship.

Sometimes we worship because we’ve had a victory. But sometimes we worship until we see one.

God demonstrated to Joshua that there would be times in life where worship would be the way to victory. Worship will be the way you defeat your Enemy. Worship will be what brings you the very freedom you so badly desire."'

Excerpted with permission from Attacking Anxiety by Shawn Johnson, copyright Shawn Johnson.

[chihirolovebot]

Hiiiii so I'm the writer of The Final Piece and I am simply here to rant and rave about Sleep Awake because it's??? occupying so much of my mind it's not even funny??? I literally binged the whole thing in like 2 or 3 days and the chokehold your writing has me in is insanity. This is gonna be long I seriously hope that's okay but there's SO MUCH I wanna say! I have talked so much about all of Sleep Awake to my roommate and sister and friends that they all have practically read it second hand through me just talking about it and how much I love it. You are such a talented writer, and I'm sure you already know that, but I feel the need to tell you anyway.

Moving on!

I absolutely adore the MC you've created, their development has been SO satisfying to read, their journey into learning that it's okay to live for yourself instead of for other people just makes me sob and punch the air. It's such a relatable struggle and I love that you incorporated it into their character, it gives them a level of depth where you physically can't NOT root for them after everything they've been through.

I'm also a HUGE fan of platonic relationships (I'm asexual I can't help it I love reading about friends sm) and when I got into your fic I felt like the skies parted when the first chapter note mentioned you were also gonna focus on the platonic relationships because I WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH THEM TOO NOT JUST DATE THEM. The locker trio already had my heart but as the fic went on I slowly started to really like the MC and Maki's friendship as it developed and now other than Kiibo's and Shuichi's friendship with them she is probably my fav. I'll save all that for another time though.

Also also also the whole third trial??? Literally couldn't have asked for anything better. Seriously that was the best change to canon, from start to finish I loved every second reading it.

Every character you write feels so canon I feel like I can hear their voices in my head, it's wonderful. And don't even get me STARTED on Kokichi's characterization and his relationship with the MC. It's become so ingrained in my head that I forget that he doesn't have them in canon lmao. The almost cat and mouse game between them has me gripping the sides of my head. I went back to reread the game of Karma chapter like 15 times because it's one of my favorite scenes of theirs. They have such fun back and forth banter, and even while they are arguing I'm just sitting there reading and saying 'THEY'RE IN LOVE YOUR HONOR'.

Kokichi's struggle to trust the MC until recent chapters is being so perfectly well done, because it's EXACTLY how he would act too. Also his complete denial of having feelings for them in favor of his mission to stop the killing game??? Ugh. I could go on forever about how much I love this fic and how it's completely changed the trajectory of my life lmao, but I think I've rambled long enough. I'm sorry if this was just a lot of word vomit to read, but I have been wanting to reach out and have been so shy about it because all of this is kinda new to me. I legit have never even used Tumblr until recently, so I'm still trying to figure it all out.

Anyway! I'm always looking forward to updates from you, but please take care of yourself in the meantime <3 Thank you for writing something so wonderful, it's really something special

HI MY LOVELY im sorry this has been sitting for a minute i needed to be in a space to be able to actually write out a long thoughtful reply. so here we are!!!

first of all HI HELLO!!! i had no idea you had read sleep awake what!!! im very sorry if you've commented before because i may have forgotten because it does get a lot of comments but. honestly i just wanted to leave a nice review of ur work and then i found out you've read sleep awake!!!! insane. i cannot believe u have TALKED ABT SLEEP AWAKE in real life hello???? malfunctions. thank u so very much that is literally the highest of compliments.

im. very emotional and happy u like my mc. they r my baby considering they r basically Me but also i feel like the stuff they struggle with is general enough to be relatable to a lot of people. and i am very glad their journey resonated with you at least a little.

the platonic relationships!!! grabs u by the shoulders and shakes u like a rattle toy. OH MY GOD. yeah. yeah u get it. i jsut simply think romantic relationships r not inherently more important than friendships, and with sleep awake specifically i do not think that mc could heal and go on the journey they need to go on if they were only close with kokichi. like for sure he's a big help and big part of it, but an mc without kiibo, kaede, kirumi, shuichi, tenko, kaito and maki would literally not exist as they are now. TO BE A COMPLETE PERSON u must learn from the people around u that u love and maybe even the ones u hate. i think that is so special and so important, not just in fiction but in larger life. like. people who focus solely on romantic relationships in long fics u bamboozle me. it keys into this idea of 'oh if ur broken u just need one specific special person to fix u' and like. no. maybe u learn to put urself back together with constant help from the people around u, from ur family and ur friends and ur role models. not just the person u wanna kiss. that is just me tho.

im rly happy u mentioned mc and maki actually!!! i find that most people rly like mc's friendships with kiibo and shuichi and kirumi, which is understandable because mc doesn't get a ton of time with maki but. i really like what i've done with the two of them?? idk that feels big headed to say but writing their relationship develop has been super fun and it's one of those things i didn't rly plan? it just sorta happened and now mc has maybe too many friends but yk what. we move. maybe the real sleep awake was the friends we made along the way.

hhhghgbfhh kokichi and mc's relationship makes me so mentally ill. in a good way. and im really really happy ur invested in it. like my god i have put so much time n thought into these babies and i feel like one aspect of writing their relationship i dont talk abt as much is how patient u have to be. i feel like u would get this too, writing a slowburn urself — u have all these ideas u want to incorporate and ideas of how they get together, their first kiss, their first whatevers but. u gotta lay the groundwork first. and with characters like kokichi and nagito it's gonna be like 90% groundwork because they have walls and complexities a mile high. but im super happy with how it's developing.

this was absolutely. a delight to read please do not ever worry abt being a bother or anything to me. u are sincerely always always welcome to jump into my inbox n rant or talk about whatever i mean it. anytime. i welcome it. i am a bit shitty at answering asks but i rly do try always to get back to long comments like these even if it takes a minute. thank u so much for this and i hope u are having a lovely day <3333

[naancypants]

I came across this post on the Nancy Drew reddit and I would love to hear your thoughts on it https://www.reddit.com/r/NancyDrewCW/comments/sgewsg/the_true_ending_for_nace_not_about_the_possible/

it's made me worried for for the future of Nace because (as much as it hurts to say) these points do make a lot of sense to me. Idk if the shortened season ruined the wholeness of Nace's relationship, but I agree that it feels like we missed majorly important moments with them and their feelings. And then we finally get their sex scene, but it's in a dream (kind of like a consolation prize), and then the whole multiple soulmate thing - why was that even brought up at all? Do you think this post makes good points? Should we be worried?

**Anxiety-prone Nace followers, be warned you may not want to read the linked post!

Anon: This is pretty much how I felt when I watched the finale for the first time, to be honest - bUT I don't necessarily think that's the case anymore. I feel better after hearing other fan interpretations and some of the writers' interviews.

Full thoughts under the cut

1. First of all, the episode descriptions are NOT always accurate - hence Nancy's feelings for Ace "resurfacing" in 3.04's description, despite still being clear and obvious in the episodes prior - or a "shocking reversal" at the end of 3.12, which I assume was about Ace being the last soul piece, but it's such an odd way to describe that reveal imo. What was reversed? The expectation that the soul piece would belong to a rando? "The turntables"?

2. Additionally, "A star-crossed choice that will change things forever" can be interpreted in many different ways. Nancy chose Ace over the town at first - and that star-crossed choice changed things forever, causing a massive shift in every single character's trajectory. Relatedly to the previous bullet point, the network also wants to make things sound as dramatic as possible. There's no need to take the wording literally.

3. @aceandnancy put it best: the writers know Nace is their golden goose. There's no way to avoid or deny that. I agree that it seems like Melinda loves the angst and longing, but ultimately, to take Nace off the table forever would be on a whole other level of buffoonery. Not that such buffoonery has never happened before on tv, but I'll call it what it is and I'll say it with my chest: to do this would be BUFFOONERY.

4. I'm not going to hold anyone to the exact specific wording they use in any interview ever. Conversational communication that's being done on the fly is far from ironclad. If Ace investigates and finds out about the curse - something the writers have said 100% he will - then the curse plot isn't going to be dropped. Nancy's willingness to risk his life to break the curse is very different than Ace deciding to risk it. The writers might drag out the storyline, but they would be souring 95% of their audience if they didn't resolve it. Also good to note that (I think it was) Noga said "Nancy is not one to sit idly by, and neither is Ace" in relation to breaking the curse.

All the other storytelling complaints I unfortunately chalk up to being too ambitious plot-wise with too little episodes to flesh everything out (especially the relationships). I still don't love the conversation with Carson, personally, lol - but @nancy-drews pointed out that it could have been to provide a tiny bit of closure just in case this was the series finale*, to at least end on a more hopeful note in Nancy's time of deep despair. Since there isn't a solution to the curse AS OF YET, she is very much in a headspace where she's trying to shut herself down as a way to cope with what she believes is her life now - so the conversation with Carson is promoting the message that there's always a sliver of light to be found when you think all is lost.

Idk. Just some thoughts. 🤷‍♀️

*it won't be the series finale. not manifesting that shit

[fairycosmos]

3. I know i have to 'get out there' but it's hard when you've felt your whole life that nobody likes you. i literally only have one friend. i just feel really hopeless... i feel like im not meant for this kind of life, everything feels wrong and like im waiting for something's never gonna come, some kinda magic. i want of life of adventure and paint and write but instead i have to study because i'd feel like a loser w/o an education. i dont mind working i just dont want to study.

hey love, i'm really sorry to hear that. i think it's totally normal to be disappointed and even more so to be unsure about your future - it's not an indicator of failure, it's a natural part of growing up and finding your place in the world. i'm probably ignorant and don't know what it's like to actually be in your shoes, so i apologize if i come across as frustrating at some points. this is just my perspective. but i'm wondering if maybe taking more time away is an option for you? maybe working somewhere, focusing on your mental health for a while.... because the thing is your level of education has nothing to do with your worth as a person, and even more than that, there's no set time scale for this sort of thing. you could go back to college at 35, and it wouldn't matter. your life doesn't have to follow that stereotypical linear trajectory we're all forced to chase, in order for you to find happiness and success. and you don't have to justify your own personal choices to anyone, least of all to yourself. i just think it's important to try to focus on the factors of living that are in your control, that will bring you a sense of stability and peace. i know it's hard to let go of the internalised capitalistic idea of having to prove yourself through academia and getting a 'good job', but it's always useful to remind yourself of just how exploitative and made up that entire construct is. you're here and you're experiencing the world and with that you are fulfilling your point, you are doing enough. you are enough. everything else is background noise, that we're forced to muddle through, but background noise nonetheless. you don't need anyone's permission to prioritize your own needs and wants.

however, if you're dead set on studying this topic you don't like (which, i totally understand why you'd make that choice bc i know it's not that simple), then i reckon it's alright to just let yourself feel shitty for a while. any sadness, anger, disappointment, pain you feel about it is to be expected - and even though it fuckin sucks to have to carry it, its intensity definitely won't last. one way or another, you will adapt and so will your ability to cope. just don't use those emotions as an excuse to engage in self destructive behaviour, cause that'll only perpetuate the cycle and keep you in a dark place. having to force ourselves to do shit we hate is always going to feel like an everlasting burden we're never going to escape from, even if that's not the case in reality. and i had a lot of experience with that in school too - the main tactic i can remember making a difference, was like you said, finding little things to make the weight of it more bearable. i think that often starts first and foremost with our own mental health before anything else, because it controls the filter through which we see the world. if you don't like it in yourself you won't like it anywhere. when it comes to your social anxiety, are you receiving any support/would you be open to that? i think consistently seeing someone while you're in school - whether that's a counselor, a therapist, attending a support group or even just calling a hotline to begin with - could really help you manage the stress you're so afraid is waiting for you. having someone to talk to and learning why you are the way you are, and what tools could help you specifically in terms of coping mechanisms and finding a support network can honestly do wonders for your self esteem and the way you approach others. and of course it takes time, maybe that brand of self care is a lifelong process, but it's still important to engage with it. so balancing school with prioritizing your own wellbeing might be something that lightens the weight of the experience. anxiety tends to have us anticipating worst case scenarios and drawing on old insecurities to convince us we'll be alone and in pain forever, but what you've been through is truly not a mirror image of where you're going. making friends especially as an adult is fuckin hard, and struggling with it doesn't mean there's something irreparably wrong with you. just means it's hard to get to know ppl, but that's not a personal failing on your part. it's just a fact. most of them are too worried about their own 'flaws' to take note of yours. but that doesn't mean there aren't ppl out there you haven't met yet who will love you, even if that's hard to believe rn. also a side note, it could be a good idea to build up a routine where you're engaging in something that actively makes you happy at least a few times a week. can literally just be watching netflix, or taking up a hobby, meditating, going for a walk - i know college is v busy and it may not always be possible, but having small pockets of deliberate down time to look forward to is crucial. im not saying it'll cure everything or anything, just that it might make it all feel less overwhelming. but lastly, i want to say that it's ok if you give it a go and then decide you can't do it. that's an option, too. it doesn't have to be black and white. don't fault yourself for not wanting to spend 3 years doing something you hate, but also know that it's possible to get through it if it's a means to an end for you, especially if you seek the help you need. and whichever choice you go with, neither of them are 'wrong.' it's just your path.

anyway, i'm sorry this got super long. i think discussing it with someone you trust might be a good move, just to know that they have your back whether you work through uni or not. you're honestly doing so much better than you realize and i'm proud of you for continuing to try and strive despite how painful it all is. but i really hope that you can catch yourself when your brain is being unnecessarily unkind to you, and that you can then make the conscious choice to change the narrative and approach it from a place of patience and self appreciation. i think your life is still worth living even if it doesn't match up to where you think you should be, which is something i've been trying to accept lately too. that so much is beyond our control and we can literally only focus on the silver linings of the factors that are in our hands. that we can still be okay, living like that. and none of this is permanent, not the way it often seems like it is, but especially not the confusion. it just takes time to live the answers to all the existential questions you have. take it a day at a time. ANYWAY im rooting for you with all my heart and if you want to talk about this properly feel free to message me!! my overarching point is that you're not as alone as you feel. and you won't be in college, and you won't be if you look for work instead. so many of us understand where you're coming from. much love to you, take care 💗💗

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

I’m sorry I’m late, Levi. Here is my birthday Drabble for you

I’d heard the rumours. We all had. The stories one would tell a child to keep them from seeking the embrace of the night. Like a fool I’d signed my name to the contract. To hunt the unhuntable. The rid them all of the curse of the night. Yet such a fool I was. Young and ignorant of the future to pass. When I first met him, it was like a midsummer dream. A flitting presence in the corner of the eye, as one would expect from a young sparrow on a breeze. He held himself with such poise and grace, with a but a turn of the head he’d carried himself from my vision, if as if the sparrow had never been. I may say met, though we did not speak. But for me it was the truest form of meeting. A meeting of unknown fates that would bind us all the way to depths of our very soul. He knew me, from but a glance. Yet our true meeting was still some time off. Winter in all its bitter struggles came. The land swallowed by the thick blanketing of snow. The nights so cold and long that the darkness seemed forever infinite against our finite existence. With its rolling winds and dancing flakes, it came to us and stole our warmth. First one or two, then soon I was all but was left. Such lofty dreams we held when we started. Wishes that our names shall become recorded as the great heroes we believed we’d be. How foolish man is. Man who is but a drop in the great ocean in all the times since time began. How ignorant we were of the particulars of our foe. I’m sure if we had known this was how our story would end, none of us would have been so hasty to sign our lives away. No one would have called us cowards. For each man sought his own self preservation above all. Each of us thought ourselves the finest of specimens. Each with some unique trait or quirk that would ensure our victory against all odds. Yet, we are but flesh and bone, and he... he was manhood ascended into god form. For many nights passed in the bitterest of conditions. My stead, whom I had taken the pains to train painstakingly since foaldom, the most trusted of all my companions finally fell. His noble white hook taking through the ice, as a warm knife would slide through butter with ease. Thrown from the saddle, limbs so numb that the pain of the landing elicited the sensation of a thousand needles upon the soul, were useless as his struggled, sinking ever deeper into the frosted swamp the ice had hidden. To shoot him was as if to shoot ones self. In the arm or such, no, perhaps the removal and loss of such limb would truly be the better description. His black eyes half lidded as continued to struggle. Leg clearly broken, yet my noble friend still tried. With an almighty snort, resignation filled the beast’s features, death delivered swiftly so as to release my last true friend from the struggles of his mortal life. That night I ate the heart of my last friend. Taking upon the legends that his strength should reside in me if was to do as such. Following his death, it was as if God had condemned me for the murder of the most refined beast. The gunpowder I held fell damn and useless. My clothes torn to shreds by the biting winds. I sincerely hoped for death. I had not even raised a hand to my foe, yet he laughed at me from afar. He struck us all down without lifting a single finger against us. Such thinking’s brought a smile to my face, the weeks of isolation and seclusion has endowed me with a touch of lunacy it would seem. If my poor mother was to see me now, how she would weep for her foolish son. Perhaps it was better that she’d been taken into heaven’s embrace early, sparring her the horror of her son’s foolery. Oh, why had not listened to gentle Armin. His kind and soft nature so often seen in those of scholars and academics. He’d thrown himself at me, begging me to rethink, and how bitterly I wish I had. His warm embrace and that of my cousin were the selfish dreams left to a dying man. Those days we laughed as children might. Armin’s sweet nature naturally made him the target of those less than civilised, yet my sweet friend never raised a hand in his own defence. Not wishing to stoop to such levels, he held a defiant stance. Unlike myself and my dear sweet cousin Mikasa. How I longed to see them both. Would the recognise the wretched thing I became as their once dear friend, or cast me to the streets? Sweet Armin, so gentle and willing to help the most wretched would offer me a seat by his fire and soup to warm my empty stomach. Mikasa would glare, her slim arms crossed as she watched, waiting until the last dregs of the bowl were empty to then cast me back to the streets. It was by some amazement I had lasted as long as I had. My poor notebook had seen better days, it’s pages often stuck together from the snow melting through and chilling my breast. Each coming day I had tallied, each line a signal that my bleak existence had not been snuffed out while I huddled lost and cold. How many life times a man could live in those days condemned to be remember by such a small and trifle thing as a line. By my count a fortnight and then some had passed since the killing of my dear friend, and all that time I had wandered, sometimes until my body could no longer support my saddened frame. As I scrawl these few lines I am quite certain that tonight shall be the last for me. My refuge the ruins of a once might cathedral. A fitting place for one whom God Almighty has turned his back on. I never did meet him again, yet I am remarkably at peace with this outcome. I may be a young man, all of 21, yet I feel the cold chill upon me as if I were the most wisened of men. Let me sleep, and dream of the better days and the embrace of my mother awaiting me. It is by luck that I made it through the night. I felt sure that the small fire I kindled together has been dying as my eyes slid closed. It seems too happy to call it luck, though I know my dear sweet cousin would call it just so. Regrettably it is a sentiment I can no longer associate with one particular emotion I might call my own, for each day is yet another served in self loathing. It would have been far nobler to have passed with him comrades, for I have passed so far that there is nay chance of being recovered. If there was, such a grand and fine cathedral shall not have fallen into a sad state of disrepair. When I close my eyes, I can very nearly imagine the ladies of the parish in their fair white dresses, one perhaps two bells tolling. The familiar phrases of muchly repeated bible versus, that as a child I thumbed nose at. Again by luck, or some greater cosmic design, there was a dead rat not so far from where I’d bedded. Bedded. Ha! What a novel notion. The rags I sleep in barely hold a candle to soft downy bed I shared as a child. None the less, and as starved as I was, the companionship of the rat was short lived as I roasted him over my fire. Such a short and brief meal, my manners akin to ravenous wolves as I devoured my brief friend. Despite pretending the small thing some more appealing such as a quail, the gamey taste filled me with such revulsion I barely kept the meal down for a matter of moments before I threw up. Where he sits upon his throne, God is surely having a good laugh at this pitiful fool. It has now touched on dusk. I am taken by a peculiar sensation of eyes upon me. Rats scratch and mice scurry. Yet I have not the strength to pursue either. Through the shattered remains of a once grand window, the moons bright rays are yet to illuminate my little friends. My little friends who shall no doubt feast upon my bones, as I did their brother, upon my demise. Above me some bat looks down, the soft fluttering of the wings I at first mistook for death on the wind. To have come this far, I wish I had the strength to go all the way. To catch this fiend and hold him to account, for I have lost so much on this chase that he is all that is left for me. It is now we meet for a second time. His footsteps lighter than a feather as he flits just out of sight. His eyes as red as the flames of hell, yet all he has done is wait. I have pulled my blunderbusts on the devil, yet he does not know as I, that the powder too wet for even a final shot. Yet, perhaps if provoked, he would grant me my fondest wish of a swift death. With shaky aim, I raised my guns, pointing at the fiends red eyes, fingertips paused on the triggers. He speaks no words, nor makes any sound, yet I hear his laughter in his ears. My fingers squeeze the triggers but a millimetre and he is upon me. Great halberd in his grip. In the light of the mood he does not look like the devil of legend. He looks like my saviour. His soft short black hair flows so beautifully, his eyes now silver in the light. Plump bottom lip and thin upper of the most palest pinks. My fingers abandon the trigger. In a split second he’d changed the trajectory. The heavy silver blade that was to grant me my release embedded it’s self barely a breath from my ear. My wicked foe, nay, I cannot deny, for he is the most beautiful man I have set my eyes upon. He is quick to jump back, confusion clouding his charming face “Why do you not shoot?” His voice makes my heart leap, for having no one to talk to for so long has taxed me muchly “Why do you not behead me? Or is your thirst so great you think to drink from my neck?” He pulls a face, crossing his arms. Clad in the garb of all Prussian upper class, his riding coat black with the fanciest of gold trimmings. It charms and suits him muchly. He stands an inch or so beneath Armin, and perhaps a whole heads length beneath me. Yet, in his own way, it is so becoming upon him. It plays on the tip of my tongue to tease him over his height, but never have I beheld such a man who radiated such intelligence. Oh the conversations we could have had had we met under different circumstances “I’m not so hard up to feed upon any shitty brat before me” I cannot help myself as I laugh. His refined appearance held none such hint of such blunt conversation. Yet again, it suits him well “Alas, it is all I have to offer you. Had we met elsewhere, perhaps we could have feasted like kings. Yet, I am sure when the night ends, so shall my life” “This is true. You’re barely worth the rags you sit in. At first I was irritated, then confused as to why you did not turn back” “The foolish pride of man. For we are a gluttonous bunch” “Stubborn pride shall be your ruin” “I can not deny that. Nor you nor I, shall deny the words of a dying man” His voice excited my heart so. I’m quite certain he must have noticed as he came closer, removing his weapon from where it was lodged as if it weighed nothing more than a sheet of paper. The second the weapon disappeared into the shadows it ceased existence. If not for the gaping wound beside my head, I would have thought it all a figment of my imagination “Having pursued me for so long, I find myself curious as to what you are thinking” My heart fluttered, a sensation I thought gone “That the devil may just perhaps be my saviour. If I am to die tonight, might I look upon the moon’s grace one last time” “It is the act of an insincere man to swear on the full moon” Arranging my features into the best smile I could give him, I replied “Then it is a good thing that God has turned his back on me, though I’m sure I have nothing to swear” When he laughed it sounded like the first sweet bird songs once spring has sprung. Taking my hand as if I were not a filthy thing, he raised me to my feet. I felt sure he must hear the pounding of my heart. The delight of being touched again sent shivers through my body. His own held a warmth that was wholly unexpected. Supporting my frame, he led the short distance to the windowsill. The moon in all her grace shined so brightly tears formed in my eyes. In my hurry to thank my companion, I turned too fast. My cheek hitting his face as I gasped in horror. Again, my strange foe laughed. I noticed blood had beaded upon his lip where his sharpened fang had cut “I am sorry” “You are strange. You delight in though from he who you deem “devil”. Now you apologise to the face of your foe” My cheeks heated, he had noticed my excitement “The moment you stepped beneath her light, I have never seen a sweeter sight. Your countenance not at all like the villain my mind had made you into. The human mind is fit for flights of fancy. The first time you danced past my vision, I thought it a dream. If this is all a dream, I pray not to wake” “You’re a strange one, aren’t you?” Raising a soft hand, he thumbed over my cheek. The softest in his eyes so gentle my breath caught “Will you feed upon me when I die?” “If that is your desire. For the man who pursued me for so long, I shall grant you one last wish” The decision came easily. For if I never say another day, I did not wish to die with this regret “Then let me wish for a kiss” His lips were soft. The softest ever pressed against my own. Knowing my own perversions, no kiss bestowed upon me had ever sent my heart soaring as the soft meeting of his lips against mine. Not those of my sweet cousin, or those of friends offered in friendship. No. None of those kisses could compare to the thrill of no longer denying ones self. Feeling his teeth scrape against my lower lip, he pulled back to gaze at me in the moonlight “For many months I watched you. Your foolish struggles brought me no delight. I knew in my heart that I should be gladdened at the death of your friends, but let me tell you this, Eren Jäger, I was never the monster responsible for the crimes against my name. Your blood is the first to pass my lips in long over a decade. I do not wish for your death, yet I have nothing that which may sustain you” My heart skipped a beat as he said my name. It seemed all was well known by him “You know my name, but I not yours. They call you the devil, all manner of names as such” “I am Levi. Nothing more, nothing less. This curse forced upon me against my will. When you have passed, I shall continue to walk this world alone. Is there someone I should notify of your passing?” Brushing the hair from my face, I wondered how I could ever thought this man the worst kind of fiend “My sweet cousin. Though I fear her so fierce she shall instantly hold you to account. I have no blood family remaining. My father is gone and my sweet mother taken by the plague. Her own family was lost, and like a sister she has been to me” “With your boundless pride, I was sure you must be the rebellious son of a noble” Smiling softly, he wasn’t terribly wrong. My father had held a position of high standing as the saviour who’d stood against the initial plague upon our village “Perhaps in another lifetime... You have shown me much kindness, Levi. For that I am grateful. Never have I had such a sweet kiss placed upon my lips. I shall be gladdened if my life is of some use to you” With his arm around my waist, he led me back to the fire’s warmth. Before I could object, he sat beside me. His pretty coat upon the dust “You know what I am, yet you did not ask for my curse” It would be a lie to say that I was not envious of the thought of seeing another day, but it was his eyes that stilled the thought before it reached my tongue “Never have I seen eyes as sad as yours. Your curse is no great blessing. It has robbed you of even the simplest joy death brings. But you shall not have my pity, for I know you are strong enough to see this curse through. I sincerely hope from the depths of my heart you shall find someone to walk this long and dark road with you” “Would you?” My laughter turned to a harsh cough. Levi rubbing my back until my breathing had settled “I am hardly anyone’s first choice. I shall cherish our first and last kiss. It was more than I ever thought I shall receive” “I ask... I mean... You are right. It is hard and it is lonely. Yet it has been easier since I set eyes on you. Your boundless youth. The beast you hide within. I don’t think I would mind being bound by this curse if it was at your side” “You flatter me, yet you do not know me” “I know enough, Eren. If you ask of me this, I shall promise you shall never walk alone. We both house what they call “beastly” desire. You are the first and last human I shall ever offer this curse upon. For know it is a curse. And yet, I am selfish and a slave to my human desires of company” Staring at Levi’s face, he was earnest, if not looking somewhat constipated. How beautiful he was though. As if carved by the hands of the greats. His silver eyes held such hope that I found myself as his mercy. This man, who’d shown a wretch like me such kindness. How could I deny him his request when he’d asked me so honestly. The beast I’d thought to hunt was my saving grace in my darkest time “Will it hurt, terribly?” My tone was timid, Levi’s fine lips morphing into the saddest of smiles “Only to begin with. Then each time one you love passes before you eyes” “You, who have led the saddest of life’s have given me such joy. I can deny you this one wish you have of me. I ask that if anything is to go wrong, you shall destroy me by your own hand, for nothing shall give me greater joy” “For you, I shall. I shall give you the Earths and the heavens, all wonders shall lay before you feet” My cheeks reddened further, for his words spun like the finest of silks “If I am to have you, then I already hold all the wonders a man could ever need in one lifetime, or two. How does this... How do you...?” Levi stroked my hair so lovingly that I could not help but lean into his touch. For a man whose heart no longer beat, he’d shown such love and kindness “I will cut your lips upon my fangs, then do so my own. My curse is in my cursed blood. Yet know, I do not sup from those not of my kind. You shall meet them all in time. Until, my blood shall be your bread and wine. A whole new world will scare you. It will overwhelm you. And at times you will curse me. But for one as lovely as you, you are all I could ask for in a mate for this journey of life. I swear this to you” “Isn’t it the act of an insincere man to swear on the moon” “Our lives are not blessed by the warmth of their so called God. Insincerity is all I have, though I do believe I swore to you, and not on the clear moon of tonight’s sky” “Then you shall swear on your blood. The blood we shall share” “This is do readily. Are you prepared? I will take no offence if you decline me, or only accept my proposition so that you might return to your family some day” “I have stalked you this long. I might as well follow you until the end” “Then close your eyes, my gentle beast. Take my blood and be born new” The pain passed to pleasure. I am quite sure that I must have lost my mind. Never have I experienced such an unbounding pleasure as I found in that bloodied kiss. Levi’s blood rushed to meet mine. The feeling akin to having a million wasps released into ones bloodstream. Such descriptions would not normally be used in such tight conjunction, yet to those who have not tasted the sweetest of sins there is no easy way to express the overwhelming senses of... overwhelmingness. Hungrily I fed from his lips as a starved babe from mother’s teat. Levi undenying of my thirsts, holding my body to his as the last of my breath passed from my mouth to his. I could not tell you how long the embrace lasted. It felt to me as if all the seconds of all the minutes of all the hours of my meager life passed between us. Levi feeling my dizzying highs and bitter lows with such grace the last beat my heart gave was for him. When the moment passed and the kiss broke, his eyes flashed red “Tonight you will change. Your body will born anew. This place does nothing for one so fine” “It has its own charms” “It’s filthy, brat. So filthy that not even pigs should be subjected to disgusting environs. You, who walked so far, let me carry you the last of the way” “My heart. My soul. My blood. It is all for you” Spurred by my words, Levi was swift in lifting me from the floor. My arms looped around his neck, as I hid my giddiness. This life is already such a magical life. We have no breath, yet we form words. Our lungs expand from brain’s memory that breath is a necessity. He did not need to breathe, still, I felt the steady movement of his chest as he did... He was so very human, yet so very not. My blood dribbled down his chin and chest, staining his fine line shirt and cravat. My nose could smell his blood amongst the mix. Base hunger aroused, somewhat mortifyingly as I realised my desire to lap away the traces of our sealed pact. For his part, Levi raised an eyebrow, I’d temporarily forgotten he’d faced the same hunger before “Soon, my insatiable beast. Let us leave before the first rays of dawn” “Shall we ever gaze upon a sunrise again?” “We shall see so many that they will all become the same” “Still, this is our first sunrise. I feel remiss to not know the date” “It is Christmas. The first day you shall walk beside me. Nothing could thrill me more” Unable to suppress a little mischief, I laughed softly “And soon you shall see that I am the gift that keeps giving” “I have no of doubt that” Burying my face against his neck, Levi started towards the broken window, as he leapt with me in his hold, it occurred I’d been quite rude. I’d decided myself his gift, on this the holiest of days. But as God had turned his back on me, I turned my back on his son. The man whose arms held me, held more hope than I’d ever known “Happy Birthday, sweet Levi” “The sweetest one to date”

[ellaustenn]

Rowan

Paring: None

Word Count: 1381

Prompt: None

Author’s note: Attention: do NOT read this if you haven’t played chapter 18 and the beginning of 19 of Hogwarts Mystery yet. I’m also using my Mc’s name -- El.

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I open my eyes and for a few seconds I forget where I am. I don’t know who I am, nor do I remember my name. I recognize that I’m sodden, immersed in a sweat puddle; I start to tremble, but not because of the cold.

Like lightning, images of a dark and cold forest materialize before my eyes and then fade away. Are they memories of a distant day - or was it yesterday?

Disturbing sounds from everywhere, hooded figures ready to attack, the smell of fear of three young students. The spells that are cast are useless, too weak to counteract that dark oppressive force.

A lioness appears out of nowhere. It is light and silent, powerful, silver-colored. It sends the Dementors away and let the three students breathe a sigh of relief. Relief that doesn't last long though, because when the Patronus disappears, Rakepick makes her entrance with a grin.

My eyes fill with tears, but my brain still refuses to remember the most painful part of those memories.

The images follow one another again and again, faster and faster: Merula attacking Rakepick, Merula who ends up on the ground and swears revenge, my confusion.

I see Rakepick grinning one last time before attacking me. I see myself parrying the first spell, but I still end up on the ground. The second one is too fast and I don't have time to defend myself: I fall to the ground again. I see Ben responding to the fire, dueling with agility against the woman who once was our teacher. Ben is pushed to the ground a couple of times, but with courage and pride he gets up and starts casting spells.

Two words leave Patricia Rakepick's lips. Two cruel, cold, deadly words. I understand what is about to happen and that I, still on the ground, will not have time to save him.

Now I remember who I am and where I am.

There's no use in squeezing my eyes tightly, because that terrifying image materializes in my mind with arrogance. I see my best friend pushing Ben away from the trajectory of Rakepick's spell, a flash of green light that hits her chest and her lifeless body that crashes to the ground

"ROWAN" I scream, wiggling in the infirmary bed.

I realize that I was tied to the bed. Invisible straps cut my wrists and ankles, dig deep with my every movement. I open my eyes and see the blood coming out of the wounds and I look forward to a pain that, unfortunately, does not come.

Right now, what hurts most is knowing that my best friend is gone. Knowing that she won't come through the infirmary door with a worried and angry look at the same time, ready to take care of me and lecture me about getting into trouble once again. Knowing that the nights spent hearing her talk about Bill Weasley are long gone. Knowing that the sound of her laughter and her voice will become more difficult to remember during the years.

"ROWAN" I scream again.

I hear footsteps in the distance and for a moment I seem to hear it: "El, I'm here"

"Rowan?" I call her.

But when the tent is moved, the person standing in front of me is not Rowan.

My world starts spinning, making me sick. I cry so much that my lungs seem to be on fire, the mind becomes blurred and black dots - that are getting bigger and bigger - make their way into my field of vision.

When I open my eyes again, I realize that something has changed. I feel absolutely nothing: I am empty. I find that I am no longer tied to the bed, so I sit and listen to my surroundings. A tray of food was left on my bedside table - scrambled eggs, a slice of toast with butter, two scorched sausages and a glass of what I think is orange juice; leave it there, untouched.

Madam Pomfrey walks over to my bed and glances at the tray, but makes no fuss about it. She extends an old dressing gown and tells me to wear it, then brings up a pair of slippers and tells me that she will accompany me to the Great Hall, where everyone is waiting for the headmaster.

Without saying a word, and with apparent calm, I follow her through the corridors of the castle. The Great Hall is gray, gloomy, has lost its usual splendor. Black curtains with a big "H" hang from the ceiling, the long tables of the four houses are gone. It’s crowded, in the background a continuous whispering.

I walk through the Great Hall slowly, keeping my gaze fixed on the chair that Dumbledore always occupies. The students I find on my way move, letting me pass; some condolences me, others slowly shake their head.

I reach Ben and Merula, but I avoid looking them in the eyes. If I did, I would most likely experience another hysterical crisis and I don't want to be tied back to the infirmary bed. I decide to look around, noticing the rest of my friends only at that moment. They all have their eyes lost in emptiness and also red from crying. Penny can't contain herself and starts sobbing, but she does it silently.

"It doesn't seem real... The idea that Rowan is gone..."

Was this my voice? Or was it someone else who spoke?

"Gone forever." Ben concludes, heartbroken.

Tulip approaches me, Ben and Merula. "It only just happened. You're in shock. We all are."

"It's different for us. We watched it happen." Merula replies, and in the tone of her voice I can make out a touch of anger.

How to blame her? There were three of us, overwhelmed by Rakepick, and none of us did anything to save Rowan's life. I wonder how she managed to find us in the forest, I wonder why she was there and not safe within the walls of Hogwarts. I feel anger rise inside me: You had to stay in the castle, Rowan! You would still be alive! Safe and sound!

It's my fault. It has always been my fault. Since the first day I set foot in this school, I have done nothing but get into trouble, dragging my friends with me. Me and my crazy idea of ​​being able to save my brother, my stupid pride who thinks it’s invincible when it comes to Rakepick and R.

I had to die, I think. Not Rowan. She should have had a long life, she should have become the youngest teacher Hogwarts had ever had.

Without ceasing to sob, Penny joins the discussion. "El... I think I may know why Rowan was in the forest last night..."

She doesn’t even have time to finish the sentence that silence falls in the Great Hall. Dumbledore moves among the students with his eyes fixed before him. He reaches the golden lectern and begins to make a funeral eulogy for Rowan. An unimaginable loss, a devoted and courageous friend and student. I stop listening, because a lump has formed in my throat and my mind is ordering me to scream.

"But remember that if we let Rowan's noble goal to be a guiding light in these dark time..." Dumbledore says, stopping just a second to take his wand. Once held in hand, he point it upward and continues. "Then just like light... The memory of Rowan Khanna - a clever, brave, driven and loyal companion - will shine on."

The tip of his wand glows with a pale but powerful light. Behind him, the rest of the teachers copy his movements and, shortly thereafter, I feel that the students are doing the same behind me. I, on the other hand, am stuck: I can't move a muscle.

At some point, I feel someone next to me taking me by the hand. I turn and, frowning, I see that there is no one there. I look at my hand and begin to tremble. I grit my teeth, wipe my tears angrily and pull out my wand. And as I point it upward, following the example of the others, I swear revenge: "I will kill Rakepick."

[tacittherapist]

We open on a familiar scene: Rose perusing media on her laptop. Yes, she’s doing the narration thing and concurrently performing the actions described within the narration. Don’t judge her. If a certain pointy-spectacled too-much-hairspray anime blowhard can do it, so can a depressed goth nerd. Some semblance of rain pours outside: a faint cloud of cosmic dust they’re passing through pelts her windows with sawdust-sized particles. Her eyes glaze over as she goes through her old chat logs.

tacitTherapist [TT] started trolling carcinoGenetics [CG].

TT: Karkat. Let’s talk. I know you have time because I’m currently watching you sitting on a couch in the aftermath of yet another homoerotic tussle with Dave.

CG: ‘HOMOEROTIC’ YET AGAIN MEANS NOTHING HERE YOU RUSTPANNED SHITWEASEL.

TT: I’ve been thinking lately.

CG: OH, REALLY? WOW!! INCREDIBLE LALONDE, YOU MIGHT BE ONTO SOMETHING THERE.

TT: Don’t interrupt me. I’ve been thinking about our situation.

CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘OUR SITUATION?’ ‘OUR SITUATION’ AS IN HOW THIS ENTIRE FUCKING STRUCTURE IS IN LITERAL AND METAPHORICAL SHAMBLES?

CG: LET’S PUT ASIDE THE NEAR CONSTANT ANTAGONIZING BY DAVE’S PREPUBESCENT THINLY-VEILED WAILS FOR HELP CLEANING UP HIS OWN OVERFLOWING SPIRITUAL WASTEPANTS AND PERHAPS ADDRESS THE FACT THAT YOU AND MARYAM HAVEN’T SPOKEN FOR OVER THE EQUIVALENT OF SEVERAL WEEKS?

CG: NOT TO MENTION TEREZI IS STILL MISSING, ALONG WITH A SMALL PORTION OF OUR EVER DWINDLING RATIONS THAT YOU POMPOUS GODTIER SHITSTAINS APPARENTLY STILL PILFER DESPITE NOT EVER NEEDING TO EAT.

CG: OH, AND THERE’S A HOMICIDAL CLOWN LOOSE IN THE VENTS. THERE’S THAT TOO.

TT: Yes, all of those things are items I considered.

CG: OH GREAT. FUCKING GREAT. LET ME GUESS, YOU’VE CONJURED ANOTHER CRACKPAN SCHEME TO SOMEHOW MAGICALLY -- SORRY, ‘MAJJJJJJYYYYKLY’ WHISK ALL OF THIS SHIT AWAY?

TT: No. Our situation is bleak, Karkat.

CG: COLOR ME FUCKING SURPRISED. OUR SITUATION IS BLEAK? HOLY SHIT LALONDE, I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT YOU SPENT DAYS IN ISOLATION FORMULATING IN THAT ALL-SEEING MIND OF YOURS.

TT: I do have a proposition. And if you’d be kind enough to quit hammering your clumsy sausage fingers upon that poor phone for even a second, you might even get something from this conversation.

CG: ...

TT: Ellipses wholly unnecessary Karkat. Take your fingers off the buttons.

TT: I have a plan to alleviate our circumstances. It’s risky, but better than sitting here for another few years.

TT: Yes, I know you use sweeps and I’m a totalitarian bigot for not using it here.

CG: YOU PREEMPTIVELY ADDRESSING IT DOESN’T MAKE IT LESS TRUE.

TT: Karkat. Fingers off the buttons or I magically disassemble your phone again, and this time I won’t help you reinstall the macro you use specifically to hide Dave’s long rambling text walls about the economy.

TT: Now then, I haven’t received a vision in several months. I can only presume this means the game is testing my mettle by withholding this power from me.

TT: After weighing the factors behind our predicament, I’ve ascertained that there are two latent states to our position, and the game in general.

TT: Moving and stillness. There exist no states outside of those two. Both a successful and a doomed session move; they may only take on the states of ‘successful’ and ‘doomed’ after having progressed to their ultimate conclusion, after all. A null session, by contrast, stands still. Forever locked into a state that is neither successful nor doomed.

TT: If we were to translate our position into one of these two states, we would be null. This is arguably worse than a doomed session, as demonstrated by the slow malaise gradually overtaking everyone’s moods for the past few months.

TT: Obviously we missed our target somehow. Whether by some small deviation in our course, or a slight miscalculation by Sollux, we are definitely not reunited with Jade and John, who were supposed to have crossed paths with us some months ago.

TT: So instead of sitting here, waiting for one of us to miraculously drift into the other, I propose we recalculate our trajectory.

CG: HOW. IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, SOLLUX FUCKED OFF TO TRAIPSE ABOUT THE AFTERLIFE OR AFTER HALFLIFE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK KIND OF NOT DEATH NOT LIFE THING HE HAS GOING ON WITH MEGIDO. SO WE’RE A LITTLE SHORT ON TELEKINETIC POWERS TO GIVE US ANOTHER PUSH.

TT: Incredibly telling that you refer to everyone by first name when you hold more affection for them over everyone else. It’s really not subtle here, Karkat.

CG: FUCK YOU.

TT: Yes, we no longer have psychic powers at our disposals. But I’ve done some detailed calculations on our current path and where we need to be.

TT: There are a number of small cosmic bodies about to pass us. If we simply jump onto one in particular, we should be able to correct our course and meet up with the others to get our session restarted.

CG: IS THAT WHY ALL OUR NAPKINS HAD INANE CLUCKSCRATCH ON THEM?

TT: Yes, but no more inane chickenscratch than all the penises you and Dave drew on them.

CG: OBVIOUSLY YOU KNOW I CAN’T GO ALONG WITH THIS.

TT: Why not?

CG: WELL FIRST, I’M NOT ABOUT TO TRUST NAPKIN MATH. SECOND, IF THIS ISN’T A ONE HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT CONFIRMED THEORY, I WON’T CHANCE OUR MORTAL LIVES ON A HUNCH THAT YOU GODTIER ASSHOLES FIGURED MIGHT HELP US STARVE TO DEATH EVEN FASTER.

TT: Dave has no hand in this. You’re the first person I’m telling.

CG: WAIT, WHY?

TT: Because I need you to get everyone on board. You’re still the de-facto leader.

CG: THAT’S A LOAD OF HORSESHIT AND YOU KNOW IT.

TT: Your continued denial of this simple fact is more evidence to the contrary.

CG: SO WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO SINCERELY PEDDLE THIS IDEA THAT WE JUST HOP OFF OUR HOME FOR THE PAST TWO SWEEPS BANKING ON THE HOPE THAT WE JUST MEET UP WITH EGBERT AND HARLEY?

TT: Well yes, but I was thinking you’d make it a bit more palatable to everyone else. That’s more your specialty than mine.

CG: YOU REALLY HAVE TO BE FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING WITH ME. THE VERBAL DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW CANNOT BE GENUINE.

TT: We’re both typing on phones right now Karkat.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING MEAN, ASSHOLE. IF YOU CAN’T EVEN CONVINCE ME THIS WILL WORK, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN CONVINCE EVERYONE ELSE IT WILL? YOU’RE REALLY NOT GIVING ME THE HARD SALE HERE.

TT: I know this, but please just hear me out. Our food will run out in three weeks at most, and that’s if both Dave and I curb the hunger pangs with something else to distract us. Yes, we won’t die, but you will likely suffer more antagonizing at the hands of a Hungry Dave.

CG: NEVER. *EVER*. ****EVER****. CAPITALIZE HUNGRY BEFORE DAVE LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN.

TT: Deal. On the condition you get everyone else on board.

CG: NO DEAL. FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS DEAL. YOUR PLAN IS A FAT LOAD OF SHIT AND I REFUSE TO EVEN CONSIDER THIS A LEGITIMATE CONVERSATION GIVEN YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING ME AT METAPHORICAL GUNPOINT THIS ENTIRE TIME. I DON’T MAKE DEALS WITH TERRORISTS, LALONDE.

TT: If you could drop the performative morality shtick Dave has been foisting on you for just a moment, what exactly could I say to change your mind? Perhaps you’ll feel differently in two weeks when we’re down to our last few loaves of alchemized bread?

CG: ...

TT: Tell me, does a large ‘JUST’ or ‘HEROIC’ sign pop up when mortals die? I’ve personally never seen it before, but I imagine of the four of your twelve original session remaining, at least one of you must have seen a non-ascended death. Do you think starvation counts as just or heroic? I mean, Dave and I are precluded because the ascension really did remove our need to eat, but maybe if we find one of your quest beds on this desolate laboratory, we might be able to spare at least one of you from eating the others in desperation.

CG: FINE. FUCKING FINE. YOU’VE TWISTED MY ARM. YES, METAPHORICALLY, SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’LL MAKE A DEAL.

TT: Good. Your terms?

CG: YOU HAVE TO GET MARYAM ON BOARD FIRST. IF YOU CAN DO THAT, I’LL TAKE CARE OF CONVINCING THE OTHERS.

tacitTherapist [TT] has stopped trolling carcinoGenetics [CG].

carcinoGenetics [CG started trolling tacitTherapist [TT].

CG: HEY. WHAT THE FUCK?

TT: My finger slipped.

CG: NO IT DID NOT YOU AGGRANDIZING FUCKHOLE.

TT: Did you just call me a ‘fuckhole’?

CG: I’M TIRED AND HUNGRY, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

CG: WHY DID YOU ABRUPTLY CLOSE THE WINDOW.

TT: I don’t know if I can convince Kanaya.

CG: WHY’S THAT? THIS IS THE PERFECT FUCKING CHANCE FOR YOU TWO TO FINALLY TALK. I THOUGHT THIS WOULD ACTUALLY BE EASY FOR YOU.

TT: It’s not that simple.

CG: OHHH WELL EXCUSE ME FOR GETTING MYSELF ENTANGLED IN THIS COMPLEX HUMAN MATING RITUAL. YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE ME IF I JUST MAKE SNIPPY REMARKS EVERY CHANCE I GET WITH CONTEXTLESS DESCRIPTORS THAT ARBITRARILY DESCRIBE YOUR GENDERS.

TT: It’s just not a good time.

CG: HOLY SHIT. YOU THINK IT’S NOT A GOOD TIME? REALLY? WELL I GUESS WE’VE ALL JUST BEEN PLAY ACTING A FOOD AND GRIST SHORTAGE FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS. HA HA, WHAT A FUNNY AND ELABORATE PRANK WE’VE ALL BEEN PLAYING ON OURSELVES THIS ENTIRE FUCKING TIME.

TT: I mean it’s not a good time to bring this up with her. I’m still sorting out where I stand with her and how I should approach this.

CG: FOR ALL THE “”““CALCULATIONS”“““ YOU JUST PULLED ON ME JUST MOMENTS AGO, SUDDENLY YOU CAN’T NAVIGATE YOUR OWN STUPID IDIOT EMOTIONS?

CG: WOW. JUST WOW. YOU KNOW, DESPITE HER TOTALLY BONEHEADED APPROACH TO VIRTUALLY *EVERYTHING* AT LEAST JADE KNEW HOW TO TACKLE THINGS HEAD-ON. MAYBE WE DO NEED HER HERE RIGHT NOW, IN SOME TWISTED CATCH-22 MOBIUS DOUBLE REACH AROUND AS ALWAYS.

TT: I can convince Dave.

CG: SO CAN A BOTTLE OF FUCKING CIDER.

TT: I mean that as a counter offer. If I convince Dave, you convince the others.

CG: NO DEAL. NOW THE FOOT COVERING IS ON THE OTHER LEGSTUMP, EH LALONDE?

TT: You just used ‘foot’ in the same sentence as ‘legstump’.

CG: YEAH AND I’LL SHOVE MINE STRAIGHT UP YOUR POLYESTER-SWADDLED ASS IF YOU TRY ANY MORE NEGOTIATION. THIS IS MY ULTIMATUM. IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN THIS PLAN OF YOURS, IT HAS TO AT LEAST HOLD CONVICTION STRONGER THAN YOUR REFUSAL TO FACE YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL TURMOIL WITH MARYAM.

CG: GET KANAYA ON YOUR SIDE, OR NO DEAL. FINAL OFFER.

TT: ...

TT: Fine. I’ll see what I can do.

CG: GOOD LUCK. SINCERELY THOUGH, LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES.

TT: Thanks. I told Dave you were talking shit just now, by the way. You should make yourself scarce unless you want an hour-long lecture about how gossip is destroying society and by extension the economy.

CG: FUCK YOU. BYE.

carcinoGenetics [CG has stopped trolling tacitTherapist [TT].

[lifechurchgb]

The Book of James

I have been hearing a lot of great feedback about the series of messages we’re in on James.  It’s been an easy series to write because I’m just letting the scriptures speak for themselves.  It’s however not been an easy series to preach, because I’m letting the scriptures speak for themselves.  James is an incredibly practical book while simultaneously being an incredibly provocative book.  It’s challenging isn’t it?  I only have one regret when it comes to this series.  I wish I had more time to go through it.  Planning is really important to me so I try plan my preaching schedule well in advance.  I gave myself 7 weeks to journey through James – I wish I had given myself more.  With that thought in mind I am going to periodically jump over sections of the book on Sundays but I will supplement those times by writing an article or blog about the portions that have been passed over.  Today I want to come out of James 2:1-11 and talk to you about Judgment & Favoritism.  I pray that God will use these words to continue to challenge you from His Word.

Have you ever been judged?  Of course you have.  And, none of us like it.  No one likes being sized up.  No one likes being analyzed or criticized or categorized.  Yet, we do it every day.  We size people up.  We look at people and affix an endless number of labels to them.  We judge what people wear, what they drive, how they walk, the size of their waistline, how they wear their hair.  The list of examples could go on and on.  This is a serious problem in our culture, and it was during James culture as well.  So much that James takes this topic head on.  I want to look at what Pastor James has to say about judgment & favoritism as well as what his older brother Jesus had to say as well.  Let’s start with James.

Look at how Chapter 2:1-11 reads in the New Living Translation:

“1 My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others? 2 For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. 3 If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, 4 doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives? 5 Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? 6 But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? 7 Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name you bear? 8 Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 9 But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law. 10 For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. 11 For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.” So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.”

I don’t think there’s anyone who would be reading this blog who hasn’t thought about judgment.  However, many of our thoughts on judgment have focused on the effect it has on others.  We’ve likely considered the lasting hurt our judgment has inflicted on others, but James has an interesting angle on this issue. James considers the effect judgment has on us – the actual source of the judgment.  He lets us in on an insight that I have never considered.  When I judge someone, it actually creates more pain on me than it does on the person I am judging.  Many times, when you judge someone they have no idea you’re judging them at all.  Judgment has a lot to do with assumptions.  We assume things we have no idea about.

Years ago I had an amazing kid in my youth ministry.  Even to this day there have been few people God has placed under my leadership who have more natural talent or potential.  He had a clear call on his life to serve God in full-time ministry.  He dove into serving in our youth services and on our service teams.  He acted in dramas and served as an intern to Sonny & I.  I was so excited to see him growing and striving to fulfill his potential.  I served at that church for a few years before I transitioned to another church to serve as their youth pastor.  When I left the church this young man was in he almost immediately took several steps backward.  Before long he wasn’t attending church at all.  It took a few years but I was finally able to connect with him and got to ask him why he wasn’t serving God anymore.  His answer caught me a bit off guard.  He told me point blank – “It’s because of you.”  I didn’t even know how to respond other than to ask him what I had to do with it.  I had mentored him.  I had spent countless hours pouring into him.  I loved him like a little brother. He went on to tell me that I had told him I was going to be at his church forever, but the minute an opportunity was presented for me to go work at a bigger church with a bigger youth ministry I broke my promise and walked away leaving him and his friends in the rear view mirror.  He felt like I was a fake and a hypocrite.  What my young friend did was make an assumption about my actions.  He judged my motives based upon my actions.  He had no idea what went into me making that decision from my end.  The truth was, I wanted to serve as the youth pastor at his home church my whole life, but unfortunately that decision was not left entirely up to me.  When my Senior Pastor retired after leading the church for 30 years, a younger Pastor from another state was brought in to lead the church and that Pastor had a team of his own that he wanted to lead with. I was given my notice to find another place of ministry.  In case you’re not catching my drift, I was fired.  I hadn’t communicated that fact to the students or the church because I wanted to protect their view of the new Pastor.  I didn’t want their view of him to be hindered by their love of & loyalty to me.  When I explained that to my young friend years later he understood, but it had cost him years of hurt and disappointment and unfortunately had changed the trajectory of his life.  The point is, by making an assumption about me and judging my actions, he hadn’t brought any hurt to me, he only brought hurt to himself.    

Dr. Jim Richards defines judgment as; “Assuming to know why someone did what they did or said what they said.” Knowing what happened is an observation; trying to figure out why it happened takes us into the realm of judgment.  We have to be able to separate facts from the presumed motive.  

What does Jesus say about Judgment & favoritism?

In Matthew 7:1-5 He says;

“1 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. 2 For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. 3 “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? 4 How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”

It’s so much easier for me to see your speck than it is for me to see my log.  It’s natural for me to see what’s wrong with you, while hoping you don’t see what’s wrong with me.  I want you to view me as perfect because I not only judge you, I also judge myself.  I want you to look at me like I’m perfect because of my own understanding of my deficiencies.  I make the assumption that, if you knew about me what I know about me, you may not want to know me at all.  I am judging myself right out of my own reality and our potential relationship.  If I can see what’s wrong with you maybe it’ll be a relief for what’s wrong with me.  Unfortunately, we don’t only judge others and judge ourselves, we also judge God.  We try to assume to know why He did what He did.  When something bad happens to us or someone we care for, we immediately begin to ask why He caused it, or in the very least why He allowed it to happen?  When we assume God’s motives we put ourselves into a position of judgment or authority over Him.  We fail to remember that God has but one motive.  God’s only motive is Love.  His only motive is good.  His ways are higher than ours, His view is higher than ours.  He sees the end from the beginning.  He understands the outcome when we don’t.  We simply can’t judge His motive when we don’t have all the facts.

So, a question arises; what do we need to do?  How do we stop?  How do we stop judging others, ourselves & our God?  I wanna give you:

4 Things To Combat Judgment In Our Lives

Here’s the first.  We need to…

Value People

Philippians 2:3 says;

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves”

The great theologian and Apostle of the Church Paul tells us that the act of valuing others requires the characteristic of humility.  Judgment is the complete opposite of humility.  As soon as we judge someone we elevate ourselves above them.  We become the authority on their actions.  We assume to know why they did what they did or said what they said.  We assume we know why they hurt us.  I hate to break it to you but that’s not humility.  It takes humility to value people.  Now, it doesn’t take a lot of humility to treat someone good if they have something to offer you.  But, when there’s nothing to gain from that person we tend to not value them.  

When I was attending college in Minneapolis, I met a guy named Red.  I met Red because he was a regular “customer” at the Walgreens by my apartment.  I put the word customer in quotes because there was a 50/50 chance that Red wasn’t going to be paying for the items he needed from the store.  Red was homeless and a seemingly hopeless addict.  He would use whatever resources he could to escape his current reality.  One of his primary sources of alternate reality was Lysol.  You read that right – Lysol – the air freshener.  Red would get the biggest can of Lysol he could from the store and spray it into a paper cup then drink it.  Apparently, not only does Lysol instantly remove 99% of germs, but it also immediately gets you 100% messed up.  It would have been easy for me to assume Red was just some loser base head, but even back then, before Jesus, I valued people.  Let me take a side note and say, we have to be careful who we devalue, because God values every single person.  God knows something about that person that you don’t know.  Every person is the way they are for a reason.  We may not know anything about that person but God does.  God knows every moment of their life.  For example, God knows that Red wasn’t always drinking Lysol on the streets of Minneapolis.  God knows that Red used to be police officer in Phoenix Arizona and was a member of the SWAT team.  God knows that one-day on a raid of a drug house Red was distracted by a sound for a split second.  He was distracted just long enough to take his focus off the partner whose back he was responsible to watch.  He was distracted just long enough for that partner to be shot in the head by one of the drug dealers inside the house.  Red turned around to watch his partner fall to the ground dead.  Red shot and killed the dealer who shot his partner then in a fog he walked out of the drug house.  He didn’t stop walking until he hit Minneapolis.  I don’t know why he picked Minneapolis, but in listening to his story, I can understand a little better why he wanted to escape reality.  So, while Red is pan handling for enough money to buy another can of Lysol, God knows the back-story and values him while you judge him.  My point is, the more we get to know about people, the more our grace goes up & our judgment goes down.  We go from zero to judgment so quick but 1 Samuel 16:7 says;

…people judge by outward appearance, but the lord looks at the heart.

Don’t you think there are people in your life you could value more?

Here’s the second thing to combat judgment in our lives…

Accept People

Romans 15:7 says…

“Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.”

Acceptance is so simple, when you understand the outcome.  God will be glorified when we accept each other.  It is the model of Jesus.  Jesus clearly communicated that you don’t have to change anything about you.  That’s what Jesus does.  He accepts us as is.  We don’t have to change a thing to be accepted.  It’s throughout the New Testament.  Jesus accepted sinners.  He accepted a woman caught in the act of adultery and a man possessed by demons and the list goes on.  He accepted them because, from His eternal perspective, they had great worth.  Let me give you a picture of acceptance.

If I took a $100 bill and handed it to you, almost all of you would readily accept it.  Now keep in mind, you have no idea where that $100 bill has been, whose dirty hands have been on it, or what it’s been used for.  That $100 bill may have been a part of a drug deal or a hit on someone’s life or paid for pornography or prostitution.  We have no idea the evil or the good that $100 bill has been used for.  When I hand you the money, you don’t care in the least how dirty or wrinkled it is, you immediately think what you could do with that money, because no matter how wrinkled or dirty it is the value of that $100 Bill is still $100.  The $100 bill hasn’t lost one ounce of value since the day it rolled off the press.  It would probably never even cross you mind where that money has been or who that money has been with when you decide whether or not to accept the $100 bill.

The same is true of you.  Regardless of how wrinkled or dirty you are, regardless of the journey you’ve been on or the current location in which you find yourself, none of that determines whether or not Jesus will accept you.  Today Jesus will accept you and assigns the same value to you as He did the day you were born.  Do you live by the same virtue?  Do you accept people in their current tattered condition as to be glory to the God who accepted you in your most tattered condition?  

Don’t you think there are people in your life you could accept more?

Here’s the third thing to combat judgment in our lives…

Forgive People

This is the most difficult, but if we don’t forgive, we will stay locked in a box of judgment.  We will never get free if we don’t forgive.  In the Gospels, Jesus’ disciples ask Him to teach them how to pray.  Jesus responds by reciting a prayer that is now famously referred to as “The Lord’s Prayer.”  Look at how it reads in Matthew 6:9-13…

9 “This, then, is how you should pray: “ ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, 10 your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. 11 Give us today our daily bread. 12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. ’

If you’ve been a Jesus Person for very long, you probably know that prayer, and may even be able to recite it from heart.   But, check out what Jesus says next.  In the verse right after “The Lord’s Prayer” Jesus says this…

14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Not only is it important to forgive, but according to Jesus it is necessary.  Jesus says that because He knows that forgiving others is a matter of the heart.  If you can’t forgive others, you ultimately can’t forgive yourself.  If you can’t forgive yourself, you can never see yourself through the lens of Jesus.  You are not who you think you are.  You are more than you will ever see yourself to be, but you have to forgive yourself, and for that debt to be forgiven, you must first forgive your debtor.  You have to forgive those who have hurt you, abused you, disrespected and dishonored you.  We’re hesitant because we think we’re giving the offender power, but in truth, when we forgive we’re taking the power back.  That person no longer has the power to minimize your life or hold you hostage by their actions.  We’re hesitant because we think we’re giving the offender our trust back, but we’re not.  We’re actually taking our trust from them and putting it in God.  When we forgive we acknowledge our trust in God to heal our hurts and hearts.  Forgiving people isn’t based on our feelings but on God’s heart.  Even after enduring unimaginable torture, from the cross Jesus said; “Father Forgive them…” and the “them” He was talking about included me and it included you.

Don’t you think there are people in your life you could accept more?

Here’s the fourth thing to combat judgment in our lives…

Get Close To People

Relationship is essential.  The closer you get to people, the further you get from judgment.  On the flip side, isolation is a breeding ground for judgment.  Some of the most critical people I know have no meaningful relationships.  It’s no wonder they sit around and think of everything that’s wrong with everyone they know.  They probably think those people are sitting around thinking about what’s wrong with them.  It’s a vicious circle.  Relationship is the antidote to judgment.  It’s why we have Life Groups.  If you can surround yourself with people who care about you, suddenly the overwhelming problems of your life become more manageable because now you have someone with whom to share the burden.  There’s a fascinating portion of scripture in the book of Luke.  You’ve probably heard it or read it before, but let me try to give you a different perspective on it today.

Luke 6:38 says…

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Like you, I’ve heard that scripture as a pre-offering message about money.  Let’s be honest, I’ve used that scripture as a pre-offering message about money.  In truth, that scripture can be used in regard to money because of the principle of sowing and reaping.  But, in this scripture Jesus is actually talking about relationships.  Reading the verse before will help you see the context.  Look at John 6:37-38

37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

That’s the picture of a beautiful relationship.  People respond in direct accordance to how we treat them.  If we treat them with generosity, they’ll respond with generosity.  If we treat them with love, they’ll respond with love.  Treat them with acceptance, they’ll respond with acceptance.  If we treat them with cynicism, they’ll respond with cynicism. If we treat them with criticism, they’ll respond with criticism.  Treat them with judgment, they’ll respond with judgment.  It’s interesting to note that when you give, you generally get back more than you gave.  That rings true for the positive as well as with the negative.  Today I want love, so I will give love.  I don’t want to be judged so I won’t judge.  How do I do that?  I get close to you and I let you get close to me.  The closer I get to you, the less I’ll judge you because I begin to understand why you are the way you are.  

Again, relationship is the antidote to judgment.  A relationship with other people, but more importantly, a relationship with Jesus.  He’s the only one who knows you, understands you, and yet still values you, accepts you, forgives you and longs to have you close to Him.  Are you close to Him today?  If you’re not, you can be.  All you have to do is ask.  If you’ve never done that, will you do it now?  All you have to do is read these words and believe them in your heart:

Dear Jesus, I’m sorry.  I’m a sinner.  I repent of my sins and ask you to forgive me.  Would you come into my life and make it new.  I can’t live the way I’ve lived any more.  Save me from myself.  Empty me of me and fill me with you.  I receive you as my personal Lord and Savior.  In Jesus name Amen.

If you prayed that prayer we want to help you walk the Jesus Journey.  Will you do us the honor of emailing us to tell us you’ve received Jesus as your Lord and Savior?  I want to personally connect with you.  Thanks.  

See you Sunday;

Shawn

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 3X09 - Save Henry

It’s time to save Henry...or everyone, save Henry!

See what I did there? Stealthy pun. I can do those on occasion.

Anyway, under the cut you go for the semi-smart stuff, unless you want to save yourself!

Press Release

While Henry’s life hangs in the balance, the race is on to stop Pan from gaining full magical powers from the heart of the truest believer. Meanwhile, in Storybrooke of the past, Regina decides to fill a void in her life and, with Mr. Gold’s help, sets out to adopt a baby.

Main Thoughts - Characters/Stories/Themes and Their Effectiveness

Past

Wow, Loving Lana’s acting in this first scene with Archie. She’s so muted and given how Regina’s usually up there in the extra squad, it’s so noticable. She looks while not unhealthy, still sickly in a way because of how miserable and lonely she is. It’s a fantastic way of showing just how badly her life needed love and how much of a change for the better Henry was for it. (Not to beat a dead horse, but THIS is the kind of acting a lack of a heart should grant one, Graham!)

Pre-redemption post-childhood Regina flashbacks tend to fight an uphill battle of making Regina sympathetic while also not turning their backs on the fact that she was a legit villain, and this one, like the best of them, handles that concept well! Regina does some bad and illegal things. She casts a curse, chews out basically every Storybrooke character she interacts with, and has Sidney steal Emma’s medical records. But this flashback isn’t about those things. It’s a story about how love started the trajectory of Regina’s redemption.

That’s where the focus is on and appropriately so.

Watching that story is adorable. It’s the first time we see Regina soften to someone immediately and in such a loving way. We see the struggle Regina went through to acclimate herself to motherhood. Look, I’m the daughter of a single mother and I was a bit of a problem child myself: This shit hit home.

The ending story of the segment even shows post-early early signs of her redemption by just showing how Henry’s happiness takes precedence over an ensurement of the safety of her vengeance.

“Sometimes, being a good parent can mean having the strength to give him up.” This line is so important. I like how someone in the real world gives this extra level of validation to the “your best chance” mantra of the series. OUAT has some questionable morals and questionable redemptions. I feel comfortable saying that while I do really enjoy the redemptions we see throughout the series, that statement applies to pretty much everyone in the main cast. Someone (I think @justmilah) put it best at the convention: They’re a bunch of people who probably don’t deserve happy endings but are given them anyways.

Now where am I going with this?

The one message that was always spot on was “your best chance” (Or rather, the giving up line). Parents should put their children first. To give it that real world validation, even if it doesn’t happen in the scene in question, was such a good idea. It’s not that I care about legality in this series.

Present

”You have everything and yet you claim to know what I feel?” I was really torn about how I felt about that line. On one hand, I’ve talked a fair amount about how I dislike Regina’s “woe is me” thing, Emma having a lot of people in her life does nothing to move Henry from being her number one priority, and I don’t think comparing pain is conducive to anything. However, the scene with the Lost Boys where Emma brings up this conversation is a fantastic point for her character and her reaching the Lost Boys with that idea of unexpected love and family is incredibly effective.

Regret vs. Remorse. I think the difference between these two camps is so important, both for this scene and Regina’s legacy. Even as far into the future as Regina’s Good Queen coronation, those vines never would’ve stood a chance against Regina. Regina grew to feel remorse for her actions. That was quintessential to her redemption. If she didn’t, Regina may not have garnered the fandom that she has today nor deserved the happiness she found. BUT, Regina’s path, for as evil as it was, did lead her to Henry, and that is something she’d never go back on. He was the encounter she needed to happen in order to redeem herself and more to that, she loves him. Meeting and getting to know her son was worth it all to her and I get frustrated seeing this line get occasionally misconstrued to saying that Regina regrets nothing because she got something she wanted, like Henry was just a salt shaker on a shelf when the actual situation is nothing like that.

And it makes for a truly badass moment that simultaneously doesn’t take away from her redemption. That was really hard to do, and without going too heavy handed with it, the scene by the tree worked out flawlessly!

Insights - Stream of Consciousness

-Those establishing shots set the perfect mood of panic and urgency just before the curse hits.

-”He would’ve understood.” He was begging you not to kill him! XD

-Rumple is such a little shit and I love it. Like, if Regina’s gonna come and gloat, he’s gonna make sure she doesn’t get to celebrate her victory and push every button he can while he still has the chance. And all without leaving his cell!

-I just had a thought. So, as soon as Regina says she’s going to kill baby Emma, Rumple starts talking about the hole in her heart. And Regina and her guards just BARELY miss Emma. Was Rumple stalling to ensure that Emma got away?

- @ussjellyfish, I finally get what you were talking about with Regina’s love of paperwork! Her desk more loaded with paperwork than Smash Bros is loaded with characters and death!

-”What are you feeling?” “Nothing.” The subtle honesty of that line hits me HARD!

-”A child. That can provide so much meaning.” Archie, one shouldn’t have or adopt a child in order to solely give their lives meaning.

-”I need a child, Gold and I need your help.” “Well I’m flattered, but uninterested.” “Not like THAT.” One of my FAVORITE exchanges in the series! XD

-”Well, a mother of some sort.” Even cursed, Rumple is out for fucking BLOOD! -”When you become a parent, you must put your child first.” So Rumple is cursed during this scene, but one has to wonder what exactly, if anything, is his relationship to Bae under the curse. Are they estranged or is he straight-up dead? I use the dead angle in my Golden Hook fanfic, but I’m curious to hear other thoughts.

-Fun fact: If Emma yields a sword, that sword can hurt the unhurtable in exactly the way she wants to! (See also: Season 6)

-Rumple went to fucking bank for you, Regina! Like, not a single flaw!

-Damn! Amazing acting on Lana’s part again! Like, the SECOND she sees baby Henry, she falls in love with him. The gasp, the way her eyes bulge, the softness of her form! It’s amazing!

-Gotta HAND it to Killian! His hook is really doing a good job of keeping Felix in place!

-Awww! Beverly Elliott!!! She just makes me smile!!! <3

-I love how Regina just knows that Mary Margaret is the best person to stick her baby with! <3

-”Well, as long as your plan holds together, she will.” FUCK MACHISMO ISLAND.

-Baby Henry’s reaction to Gold’s shop is EVERYONE’S initial reaction to this little shop of horrors!

-”My memory’s not what it used to be.” *Sighs* Fucking Rumple. I love you.

-”Oh you really know nothing of what I’m talking about.” I love how even when Rumple actually is cursed, even with Regina’s confidence in the opening, she doesn’t buy that it actually happened for a second.

-”Look at what motherhood has done to you.” I love how Rumple’s line (This one and the ones that preceded it) is basically praising the makeup department and Lana’s acting! That’s actually so adorable and deserved on the writer’s parts! <3

-Okay, everyone’s wash of relief upon seeing Henry wake up genuinely had me choked up. The smiles on everyone’s faces and the deep breaths and the music...I think I need a minute *Sobs into eternity*

-”Young sir.” And letting him stay in the captain’s quarters?! Killian, you fucking adorable softie!

-Okay, now THAT’S the Archie who doles out great advice!

-”A glorious curse.” Regina, I love you! XD

-”Too much pizza.” I love the implication of this line that Henry DID have pizza before his trip to New York, but it wasn’t REAL pizza. XD

-Damn, the Jolly Roger’s captain’s quarters are so fucking fancy!

-”I’m sorry it had to come to this, Henry.” No you’re not, you little bitch!

-*Neal and Rumple hug* Sorry, I think I’ve got something in my eye...TEARS! Like, that entire resolution got me choked up.

-*Pan fails at taking Henry’s heart* Yeah! Suck on that, you little bitch!

-”You raised him well.” Awww! Golden Queen contrast!

-Stupid thing to point out, but after all of that hullabaloo in “Dark Hollow,” why were we using the fucking lighter?

-”A hero, a villain, a pirate.” I love how David doesn’t classify Killian as a villain despite being fairly justified in it! Captain Charming FTW!

-”You have a dad now. Now and for forever.” I’M NOT CRYING! YOU’RE CRYING! “I’ll never leave you. Okay, buddy?” THAT JUST MADE IT WORSE!!!!! AND IT’S NOT EVEN BEING SAID TO HENRY!

Arcs - How Are These Storylines Progressing?

The Mission to Save Henry - There’s such a good feeling of payoff here! Everyone’s working together, communicating, and making risks for each other. David and Emma’s conversation towards the end of the episode about how they all accomplished this is just a testament to how far they’ve come.

Regina’s Redemption - What else is there to say? Regina’s redemption was such a big part of this episode and I already talked in length about why! Well, I guess I want to say that this arc is where Regina really takes her form. She knows she’s done bad and she’s still pretty selfish in a lot of respects, but love pushes her to new emotional heights that neither she nor the audience ever expected!

Emma Accepting Her Parents - Just look at the relief on Emma’s face when she hugs her parents who can both go home with her! <3

Rumple Finding Bae - We finally get to see a big reconciliation between Rumple and Neal! I really liked it, but that having been said, I wish there was more to it than simply “You saved Henry, now I forgive you.” Call me angsty, but that slow rebuilding of their relationship was really great. The fact that they have so far to go is part of what made “Nasty Habits” the fantastic experience that it was. To see it all over so soon after that makes me wish for more. That said, one can make a case that they haven’t fully reconciled AND that at the time they wrote this, Neal was on the chopping block and that resolution with Rumple was best off happening here for that reason.

Favorite Dynamic

Regal Believer. Who else could it be? Just...I love these two! Now, part of me feels bad because Henry plays a much more passive role in this episode than he does in other cases where Regal Believer’s won. In the past, he’s just a baby and in the present, he only has one or two scenes where he talks to anyone. But Henry’s effect on Regina just by the sheer fact that he exists is so much in and of itself. Just by being Henry, he inspires Regina to be her best self.

Writer

Christine Boylan and Daniel Thomsen come off of “Good Form” to write today’s episode! And you know that I loved it. “Solid” is the word of the day here. There’s so much that has to be resolved here and it’s paced so well that one would be surprised by all that was accomplished! Like, Henry is “saved,” Emma recruits the Lost Boys, Rumple is recovered and reconciles with Bae, we see Regina and Henry’s origins, and we see the plan to escape Neverland enacted. That’s a lot for forty four minutes! But the writing and pacing make it feel so natural and while fast-paced, never rushed.

Rating

Golden Apple. What a fantastic episode! It’s beautiful, emotional, tightly written, and has some solid character work! It’s just enjoyable as hell!

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I’m all caught up...with last week’s entries! Still three left to go, but I’ve got this!

Thank you all for reading and to the fine folks at @watchingfairytales!

Next time, we relocate from Neverland...to The New Neverland. See you guys then!

Season 3 Total (86/220)

Writer’s Scores: Adam and Eddy (19/60) Kalinda Vazquez (17/40) Andrew Chambliss (17/50) Jane Espenson (10/30) David Goodman (20/40) Robert Hull (20/40) Christine Boylan (20/20)* Daniel Thomsen (20/30)

* Indicates that their work for the season is complete

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