#but he was definitely my first bully and i was profoundly hurt by the way he interacted with me

[backwardblackbyrd]

my dad is in the hospital and i have been Very Triggered today

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter fifteen - “but she couldn’t”

delicate masterlist

word count: 2.3k

synopsis: bucky and y/n have their first therapy session after what happened a few days prior... things happen.

pairings: bucky x fem!reader

He wrung his hands outside the door, nervous for what was to come. Bucky came alone now, no royal Wakandan guard to escort him. He had graduated past that precaution, with the help of Y/N's insistence. She was always advocating for him.

Ahead of him was the first therapy session after that night with the bonfire and then the leaning and then the pinky promise and—

He was anxious... to see her. To say the least. He wanted this to work, wanted his idea, their agreement to work. He wanted this to work because he didn't know what he was more afraid of: seeing her again or never seeing her again.

Frankly, he didn't care what their "professional boundaries" were. He just liked to be around her. Personal. Professional. It didn't really matter to him. He didn't care whether they sat across from each other on the therapy couches or if they were closer. Sitting on the floor... leaning...

Again, he didn't care. It was Y/N's worries that worried him.

Just go, idiot.

He knocked.

"Come in!"

Bucky was careful when he opened the door, almost as if he was trying not to frighten a timid animal. Her face was carrying a lot. Behind her eyes was an abundance of thoughts, worries, feelings, and more. He wasn't sure how he knew... he just did. He knew her.

He silently made his way to his couch, his side of the room. He felt so separate.

"Good morning," her voice was flat and controlled. Her tone was friendly and light, but still controlled; he could tell.

"Mornin,'" was all he said. He was apprehensive to interrupt what was so far in tact.

"Can I just start by apologizing for how I spoke to you the other day. About your arm and everything else. I was out of line. I'm really sorry."

"It's alright," he breathed, looking up at her. Yep, a lot of thoughts in there. "You weren't exactly wrong..."

"Doesn't mean it wasn't rude."

"I've already forgiven you... like two seconds after it happened. Don't worry about it."

Her eyebrows creased, face contorting into clear concern. "If it upset you, you can tell me. I don't want to let anything fester... please."

"I guess I have issues with the arm, but... not with you."

"Do you want to talk about that?"

Bucky exhaled. "What else are we here for, right?"

She gave him an encouraging look, as if to say go on. He got the hint.

"I just feel sort of incomplete. Having one arm is... strange. And I guess I never had to deal with it before, because Hydra gave me the cybernetic arm... Well more like attached it to me. It's not like I had a say."

"You lost your arm back on that train in the forties, and you never really got a chance to cope with that loss. It's a huge change for your body and mind to get used to, and it's completely understandable that you're having trouble with it."

"My body feels so off now. Everything I do I have to do differently, and it just makes it all so difficult."

"Are there things we need to fix for accessibility? I can talk to Shuri and-"

"No, it's fine," he was quick to deny any assistance. "I don't wanna complain."

"It's not complaining, Buck. If you need help, it's okay-"

"I don't want help. Everyone's always helpin' me. I don't need to ask for more."

"Bucky..."

"It's fine, I just... need to suck it up and deal."

"There's no reason to 'suck it up' when it's a problem that can be fixed," she offered.

His voice sunk to a whisper, guilt withering his confidence. "I'm sick of being everyone's problem."

Did he just say that? He wasn't sure he meant to. His feelings sort of leak out when he talks to her. Like it's easy. Like it's safe.

- - -

READER

She could feel her heart nearly rupture at his words and the broken cadence in his voice. She wanted to leap out of her seat, pull him close, and hold him until all the pieces stuck back into place. But she couldn't.

Oh, Bucky, she sighed sorrowfully in her head. She wanted to cup his face and tell him how he most definitely was not a problem. How he was wonderful and patient and trusting and kind and a thousand other things she never was. But she couldn't. It hurt to not be able to comfort him the way she felt she needed to do.

Instead, she took a deep breath, and said what she was supposed to say.

"That's a really hard thing to have on your mind, Bucky. I'm sorry. But I can promise you that we really are here to help you. And we want to. I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't feel, but please know that me or Shuri or anyone else - we don't think you're a problem."

He looked down at his hands, avoiding eye contact and mumbling, "Thank you."

He didn't seem convinced. Her chest tightened. She wanted to do more. But she couldn't.

"I flew all the way from Europe to come help you. And I mean, I didn't know you then, but looking back now, I'm damn well glad I did."

"Yeah, but now you're away from home on another continent because of me."

"Bucky, I chose to come here. No one made me."

He put a hand on his forehead, fingers rubbing at his temples in tired frustration. Like he had been bullied by these thoughts for a while now. There had clearly been a lot going on with him that he hadn't told her. A part of her wanted to admonish him. She wanted to scold him for not letting her help. For not letting her erase any and all bad feelings.

"I can't-..." he sighed, voice helpless. "I can't even cut my own hair..."

She closed her eyes, feeling the pain radiating off of him.

"... can't even make myself feel human."

Y/N moved before she could think the better of it. She was in front of him before she even registered the movement. It was automatic, involuntary. Her body just had to get to him. Make it better. Make the hurt go away. Like a reflex. She felt chemicals with him; he was an instinct.

She knelt in front of his feet, looking up at his sitting figure still on the couch.

"Give me your hand."

He stared down at her, confused. "What?"

"Reach your arm out."

Reluctantly he obeyed.

Slowly, softly, delicately, she smoothed her hand over his and up his forearm. Starting at his fingers, moving over the center of his palm, and gliding up his wrist to then pivot her hand so that her fingers were on the underside of his forearm and her thumb settled a tender touch on his pulse point. (the gif!)

She tried to transfer every ounce of compassion into her touch in an attempt to fade his distress, his guilt, his pain. A physical way of expressing that, yes, someone did care about him. So, so deeply. Even if he didn't see it.

She exerted a slight amount of force on her thumb so that he could feel the pressure of his pulse.

"You feel that?"

He nodded.

"That's your heart beating. How profoundly human."

Then she splayed her hand over the top of his forearm.

"You feel the coolness in my hand?"

Again, he nodded.

"That's your body heat. How beautifully human."

Still with a hand on his skin, she moved up to sit next to him. She brought his hand up to his chest, pressing it flat up against the center of his rib cage and holding her hand on top.

"Can you feel that?"

"Mhm."

"That's your heart. That's you. You're all heart, Buck. You're so deeply, wonderfully human. All the way to your bones."

She looked into his eyes then, and he bore into her in a way she's only seen one or two times before. Their hands remained against each other, over his heart, when he spoke.

"I don't deserve this... deserve you..."

There was no hesitation. "You deserve everything good and then some."

She rubbed her thumb softly on the back on his hand, hoping to communicate the sentiment as lovingly as she could. She wanted him to know that he mattered.

"Even though I took you away from your home and your work and everything else... all for my stupid screwed up head."

"I don't... really have a home to go back to," she confessed. "Like, yes, I had a place to live, but.. not a home."

He almost chuckled. "Neither do I."

Maybe sometimes home was a person.

"You have people, though. Which is good. You know, Steve, Sam."

"You." His voice was soft.

It made her lungs almost contract. She could've sworn her cells began to heat up. God, she felt so much. Such strong ardency. You have me, she thought. Until every last star in the galaxy dies. You have me. She wanted to say that. But she couldn't.

"Right. And I have you," she offered, trying to reciprocate the sentiment without pouring out the adoration that was in her head.

He stared at her, dead in the face like he was looking into her soul. With his entire chest he whispered like it was the only truth he'd ever known. "You have me."

His eyes were blue and his face was kind and then the back of her head felt warm like someone's hand was on it. His voice was soft and his heart was beating and then every nerve in her body ignited into flames because his lips were on hers. His lips were on hers and any semblance of control she might've had left burned up as she burned for him.

Slow and heavy, she melted into him. Parts of her found parts of him. Fingers softly curled at the nape of his neck, palm pressed up against his chest and feeling his heartbeat. On Bucky's chest, her hand was where his previously was. But now, his hand was cupping the back of her head and it was dizzying.

He tasted like rumination and benevolence and thank you. She moved her lips as if to pull out every inch of sorrow and grief and heartache and say I'm sorry. Sorry for all the things that happened to him that weren't good and gentle. For every hand that had hurt him; for all the hands that had touched him that weren't hers. But she couldn't. Oh god, she couldn't. What was she doing?

She pulled her head away even though it felt like a gravitational pull as strong as the sun's was keeping her there. In response to her movements, Bucky leaned back too. He removed his hand and suddenly she felt cold. No, she felt frozen. How could this happen? This wasn't supposed to happen.

"I-I," she stammered, having no idea what to say. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be."

She looked away from him, eyes anywhere but his. She stared to the side of the room.

"No, I-... I can't- we can't... this is-"

"I kissed you."

She avoided whatever that was the same way she avoided his gaze.

"This is transference," she declared, not even dignifying what he said.

"Huh?"

"Transference, it's- it's when a patient's feelings from something or someone else get redirected and projected towards their therapist. That's... that's what's happening here."

"It is?"

He didn't seem very convinced.

"Yes. It happens sometimes, it's not anyone's- ... it's okay."

"This is okay?"

"No!" she caught her breath. "No. The... action is not okay, but the fact that it happened isn't something to be faulted. It's not unheard of; it's a common phenomenon in therapy, so..."

She could feel him looking at her. She wished he'd stop. She felt like she might faint. Her lips were numb.

"So..."

"So, it just can't happen again. Okay? No one's in trouble. Let's just... be aware of the possible consequences of transference and make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Y/N..."

She thought there might've been a slight inflection of fear in his voice.

"Yes?"

"Look at me... please."

She sighed and turned her head. Fuck. She wished she'd drown.

"Does this mean you're leaving?... or not leaving for that matter?"

His eyes were pleading, vulnerable, and scared. If she was honest, she wasn't sure she could leave him if she tried. In fact, a tiny repressed part of her mind wanted to stay with him forever. But she couldn't.

She reminded herself why she was here, and why they needed boundaries. But when reasoning with her inner logician, she wasn't sure leaving would even be the best option. It's not like Bucky needed more disruption in his life. He needed some sort of constant, something reliable and trustworthy. At least that's what Y/N told herself as she realized that if she left him with that look in his eye, she could never forgive herself.

"No, I don't... I don't have to leave. As long as we make sure that doesn't happen again."

Relief visibly flooded his face. "Okay... okay, good."

Seeing his worry wane was alleviating. Though, she wished she could do more. She wished his hand was still on the back of her head, and her hand was still on his chest. She wished she could rewind back to that moment and just sit within it for a bit longer.

But she couldn't.

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @nickkie1129 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lauxrens @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @quxxnxfhxll @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @maravderofthephoenix @avengersgirllorianna @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars

[reelperspective]

I’m generally not the type to mourn celebrity deaths. It’s usually beyond me to truly mourn the passing of someone who is so completely removed from my life. I tend to reserve grief for personal losses. I would say that is still true - I don’t know if you could call what I’m feeling grief, but it’s definitely something akin to it.

When I heard that Naya Rivera had passed away in a drowning accident, I thought “my god that sucks. That glee cast is cursed or something.” Then I moved on with my life, as one does. I felt it in the moment because Santana was my favorite character (well her and Brittany), but I didn’t dwell on it. I hadn’t seen the show in years, so I felt removed from it.

Months later, I go down a YouTube recommended video rabbit hole and end up watching the Glee version of Fleetwood Mac’s Landslide. I’d always loved that cover of the song. From the moment I first heard it, I thought it was beautifully arranged and flawlessly executed, but I digress. The point is, after watching it, I started watching other Glee videos (again, recommended videos). At a certain point I thought, “fuck it, I haven’t seen this show in years. Maybe it’s time for a re-watch.” So, I started to binge watch it. It is just as hilarious and awesome as the first time. And again, just as the first time, Santana proved to be my favorite character.

I think that Santana was the most emotionally complex character on that show. I think she had a great arc as a character that started off not being very sympathetic at all, to becoming a character that people could really relate to and root for. She had a fascinating duality to her as the bully who sometimes had a heart. Her love for Brittany added a significant layer to her character - displaying a side of her that had previously been unseen. A side reserved only for Brittany- the exception to her rule. Which is remarkable because, being that she was an idiot, Brittany should have been an easy target for Santana’s ridicule. Later, Santana reveals in a rant against Rory the Irishman, that she believes Brittany to be beautiful, innocent, and “everything good in this miserable, stinking world.” This revelation spoke to the heart of the character because it showed that despite her blatantly “Evil” characteristics, what Santana truly values most is goodness and purity of spirit. Brittany was the only person Santana never insulted. You could say that this is because she loved Brittany. That’s a factor, for sure, but I think the main reason is that even she couldn’t tear down someone so innocent. This, and other instances of vulnerability, developed Santana into a more three dimensional character - someone real, rather than just the caricature of a mean girl.

Yes, it’s true that the writers can be credited for this nuance in her character, but I believe it can be argued that Naya highlighted these nuances flawlessly. She did a beautiful job of portraying Santana’s *reluctant* displays of humanity. Not to mention how fucking talented she was when it came to the singing and the dancing. Vocally she’s top three along with Amber Riley and Lea Michele - and she’s a better dancer than either of them.

I noticed all of these things during this recent re-watch of mine. I’d always enjoyed Santana’s viscious barbs and her scathing wit, but this time I gained a deeper appreciation of the character as well.

Why am I talking about the character when this post started off being about grief? Well, watching the show again really drove home what a goddamn tragedy it is for the world to lose someone so talented and hilarious. This feeling drove me to look into Naya as a person. I listened to her audio book, and I read what people have said about her, and the general consensus is that she was an all-around amazing individual. She was Kind but sassy, tough yet compassionate, funny and intelligent. I then watched some of her interviews, and her personality was positively magnetic. She always lead with a blunt honesty that she delivered with this matter-of-fact attitude and wry wit. She owned up to things that most people in her position would hide. Despite the bluntness, she never seemed tacky or crass. Then to add to these revelations is the observation that she so clearly loved her little son with a tremendous passion. I’m sure all celebrities love their children more than life itself, but most don’t speak out about it specifically or so frequently. Naya, on many occasions, spoke of her passion for motherhood, and how much it meant to her to be Josey’s mom. With all of the things she has accomplished, she credited her son as her greatest success. Topics that get repeated across many conversations tend to be subjects that the speaker is fairly obsessed with. It is clear that her son was her whole world. He was not only her responsibility and her greatest love, but also her greatest source of joy. I’m not surprised that she somehow found a way to save him even though she couldn’t save herself.

Which leads to the final straw on the camel’s back - the manner in which she died. As was mentioned previously, she saved her son - which kicks you right in the feels. He had to witness some of her final moments - kick #2. Then there’s the tragedy of the circumstances of the death itself. Drowning is a horrific way to die. She must have been so terrified in her final moments. To add to this is the fact that had any of a number of events transpired differently, she’d still be with us today. Had she not gone to the lake that day. Had she gone with at least one other adult. Had she not jumped out of the boat. Had she worn a life vest. Had the boat had an anchor and a ladder attached to It’s side.

Then I’m confused about how this all went down. Apparently, she was sucked under the water by a current - I guess the equivalent of an undertow - but I thought undertows only happened in the ocean! Considering that this is a lake - a man made one at that- and not a river or an ocean, where the fuck did this incredibly strong underwater current come from? A lake is pretty much stagnant water, is it not? I looked at a map of it, and from what I can tell, there are no rivers feeding into this lake. So, I’m confused and this death is not only tragic, but senseless.

It’s just so fucking sad - every which way you look at it. I feel it in my very soul, and as I said before, I never feel celebrity deaths like this. I can’t stop thinking about her poor child having to grow up without his mommy. I lost someone as a child, and it left an enormous hole in my heart. I remember feeling so profoundly and absolutely destroyed. There are no words to describe the depths of my despair, and I can’t help but think that Josey is feeling that now. Though I was older than he is - I don’t know how much his young mind can make sense of or process the reality of his mother’s death. I know for sure that he is feeling it - he will miss her forever. Ryan Dorsey, his father, released a statement in which he said that he had to explain to his son that his mother was in heaven, and Josey asked him how he could go there too so that he could be with her. That just breaks my heart - I know exactly how he feels. I can’t stop thinking about Naya’s mother and how she collapsed on the dock at Lake Piru and threw her hands out in a display of pure, all-consuming grief. As I’ve said, I’ve felt grief like that before. I’ve collapsed to my knees under the weight of it. So, I feel for her family and her friends. I saw an interview in which the actress who played Santana’s abuela says that Heather Morris was so distraught, she wanted to jump into the lake to search for Naya herself.

I also feel a keen sense of loss for all of the wonderful things she will never do, all of the hilarious things she had yet to say, and all of the characters she might have been destined to bring to life with a singular authenticity. Lastly, and least importantly, I feel this keenly because she and I are the same age. The reality of such a thing just slaps one in the face.

That being said, I keep having these moments of cognitive dissonance as I’m watching the show. I feel her loss so much, yet it seems like she’s not dead. She can’t be! Look at her. Look at how full of life she is. She’s so young. That can’t be the reality - but alas, it is. I keep remembering that it is, and the cycle of emotion starts up all over again.

I know that part of the reason for my deep feelings about this tragedy has to do with my own experience with loss. I’ve lost so many people in my lifetime - some of which, I’ve loved more than life itself. At least one of which, I had wanted to follow into the grave because I could not fathom my life without her in it - it just hurt too much.

So I lay this all out here on tumblr. It is very likely that no one will ever read it, and that’s okay. I just needed to express it anyway as it has been building up inside of me.

[poison-bimbo]

I’ve taken a break from tumblr because there has been so much going on in my life.

But knowing that telling my deepest emotions/feelings to the unknown abyss that tumblr is helps me express myself, so here I am.

If any of this post resonates with you, please like or re-blog it as it helps me know that I’m not going through this alone.

This passage is my story, the story I’ve never fully told, the story which has caused me so much trauma and has profoundly hurt me.

This is my story.

At the start of this year I turned 18, and tbh it was honestly one of my worst birthdays. Everyone in my family was in a shitty mood and was yelling at me, telling me they wish I wasn’t here and it was an effort to get them to even come to my party. I can’t express enough how much this hurt me as I have a sister who is 2 years older than me and when it was her 18th everyone wore rose-tinted glasses and gave her the perfect birthday. The issue is that there is a clear divide between how my family treats my sister and how they treat me. My friends and other people who are not apart of the family have noticed this, and agree with me that there is a clear difference with how they treat her and me. In 2019 I found out that my dad cheated on my mum with multiple women, what makes this worse is that I found the messages. My mum was overseas at the time and I had to hold on to this information for 3 months until she returned, if you couldn’t tell, holding onto that kind of information without being able to tell anyone was hell. So after 3 months of legit hell I told my mum and my sister (I would come to regret this decision.) My sister who don’t forget is older than me, would carry on and used dad cheating on mum as a way to get attention. So mum took her to therapy, gave her massages before she went to be each night (I know wtf), would make her breakfast in bed, buy her whatever she wants. Meanwhile, me who actually found the messages and held on to them for 3 months and didn’t have anyone to talk to was left in the dust, mum never asked me if I wanted a therapist, never made me breakfast in bed or took me on shopping sprees. The point is that I never felt supported for going through that shit, and when I asked mum why she hasn’t asked if I’m ok she said “because your sister is a girl and girls need more support then men do.” This honestly didn’t surprise me because it’s true that men are normally left in the dark when it comes to mental crisis’s. When mum told dad that she knew about what he did the stupid bitch told him “your son found the messages” putting me in danger and shifting the responsibility for me to deal with it. He never accepted what he did or even acknowledges it, except for the time when he said ‘I did it because your a bastard child’. Mum just goes about her life as if it never happened and try’s to forget about it. Whenever I bring it up and ask her to do something or tell him to apologise to the family or just move out she just says “I don’t want to speak about it, are you trying to hurt me?” To which I always reply “No, but don’t you understand? you pretending that it never happened, hurts me so deeply because your basically disregarding what I went through and how much pain it caused me.” So basically moving forward to now and mum still pretends it never happened. She still doesn’t care when I tell her it hurts me when she ignores the issue, and that it says to me that what I went through is irrelevant.

For the first time today I’ve realised that what is going on at home constantly is domestic violence. I used to think that domestic violence is just for physical assault but upon calling lifeline (a hotline for when you have no one else to tell) the emergency support therapist informed me domestic/family violence includes verbal and mental abuse, and from what I told her she said “I’m definitely being mentally and verbally abused. If you are still skeptic about the severity of what I’m going through here are a few things I have been told by my parents in my lifetime:

“Just because we’re genetically related doesn’t mean that I’m your dad or want you as a son” -Dad

After telling mum that I was being bullied profusely and the school wasn’t taking action she replied “the school is always right” -Mum

“We should of never had you” -Dad

“You’re the reason I cheated” -Dad

When I felt so alone and wanted to K!ll myself I told mum “If you don’t change and start being more attentive and actually listen to what is going on in my life I will k!ll myself.” To which she replied “you could never do it” and never followed up how I was going.

My parents and grandparents paid for my sister move out of home after she finished high-school and bought her a $3000 dog to “keep her company” (wasn’t her birthday.) They pay her bills and rent (She’s 20 lol.) So I asked my parents and grandparents if they would do the same and they said no.

There is so much shit going on in my life between having family violence during lockdowns, lockdowns, bullying, mental abuse, feeling isolated and just feeling not wanted. But I’m still here because I have a purpose now, to prove them wrong, to prove I’m not going to let them win, to prove that I’m stronger than they will ever be.

This is my Story

Thank you for taking the time to read this passage, please if you or anyone else is going through anything similar and are struggling with finding support please don’t hesitate to call these numbers (Australia-only):

Lifeline 13 11 14

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

Suicide callback service 1300 659 467

The MindSpot Clinic 1800 61 44 34

Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800

Free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25

[whoaimhellatrash]

I don't really know where to put this except here but I need to get everything out. I'm putting it under a cut, no one needs to read it, but I just need to yell into the void for a while and on the off chance someone else is in this deserted Denny's parking lot at 4 am then cool beans you do you.

I have spent the last 4-5 years of my life doing nothing but self exploration. Honestly I’m sure a lot of people can relate, mid-late middle school to late high school is when people actually stop for a minute and think “who am i?” 

So many of these thoughts are influenced by the world around you, which in our society is so goddamn dangerous honestly. With so many influences like toxic masculinity, the disrespect of women, the racism the phobia the models and photoshop, it’s all so toxic for people just trying to discover who we really are. I think my identity was so fucking out of left field and so new and so wrong for others that it put me so harshly through the wringer that I earned self awareness. Through the immense pain and pressure, I was forced to stop and think, to consider, how much of this is me and how much of this is my parents, my society, how much of myself has been put here by others instead of molded by myself. Like a piece of coal turning to a diamond by sheer pressure, my perspective of myself and the world drastically changed.

It’s honestly still changing, and i doubt it’ll stop, I don’t want it to stop. I want to keep changing my views with the times, I want to keep discovering new things about myself and others, but this desire came with a price, as did my self awareness.

Back in mid to late middle school, my memory is muddled I wont lie, I had discovered sexuality and the fluidity of it, or at least a small piece of it. It was so mind boggling to me that at 7 in the morning, on the bus ride to school, I told a senior from my neighborhood about it with just this sparkling delight of curiosity and excitement in my eyes. I remember reading, on that dark, quiet bus, the definitions of bisexual, homosexual, demi, and pan which i ended up identifying with the latter for a long time. 

This moment, these precious few moments on a bus, was the first push of a snowball down a long hill of self discovery. I remember coming out as pan in my school and watching, one by one, several more of my friends come out as Bi and gay. It was something i reveled in, knowing that I helped that cascade. I was lucky, not being faced with bullying for my sexuality in particular, but I hadn’t come out to anyone truly important and I wouldn’t for a while.

When I met my best friend (going on 6-7 years now) they introduced me to the idea of trans. I had never put thought into it before but I decided that maybe I wanted to try it out. Deep down in the pit of my gut, i knew i hated who i was. I wasn’t comfortable, i wasn’t..right. I always pulled my hair up in a pony tail, i couldn’t stand it being down, i never wore dresses or skirts unless i was forced to do so for a dance, i just couldnt stand the femininity of it. I liked the power and confidence of looking good but it just..wasnt the right kind. It never felt like it was right. I constantly wore baggy hoodies to hide my body. I thought maybe it was my weight, I starved myself, as in only eating a few cheerios and an apple maybe for an entire 30 hours. I fainted in class from low glucose levels. Nothing I tried helped and in fact made everything so much worse. 

I was finally ready to try something else. I was genderfluid at first, i tried they/them and i found I liked it, but when i tried he/him I thrived on it. It felt comfortable and right and I never wanted to give it up. I never came out to my middle school friends. 

My freshman year of high school I had decided that I was going to live out all four years as Dave. As myself, as someone who i was comfortable with, then once those four years were up, I would go back into the closet and live my life as the perfect little girl, the sweet, precious golden child like I had been forced to be for all of my life. It was at this time that my depression was at it’s worst point. 

8-9 grade became a dead blur. It was around this time that my sister was diagnosed with depression. My mom knew nothing, she genuinely believed some fast food would make my sister not sad anymore. My sister began going to therapy. After a long battle with myself and my deeply ingrained desire to be the perfect kid who never is a bother or a pest, I asked my mom for therapy too. My therapist was not good for me, i didn’t realize what my problems actually were, she was treating surface issues, not the source. I realize that now and I’ve expressed this fact to my current therapist, but at the time I wasn’t aware and I had no way to ask for a different therapist because apparently it was “So hard finding a therapist to treat me oh and so much harder to find a psychiatrist.” I understand that my mom doesn’t want to feel as though she’s failed, that her child is suffering, though I don’t believe she understood or understands that although I’m suffering, the best remedy is to let me have help. But, on the other hand, being so put down, so ostracized, so passive aggressively hated for wanting help stood to do nothing but encourage me to isolate myself and develop destructively dependent relationships on my friends.

I got medication at some point, according to others it turned me into a flat zombie, I remember nothing around this time. It stabilized my mood but it stabilized it at the lowest possible point. It was somewhere in this time that I attempted suicide, I self harmed, I was destructive and even more so than I had been in middle school with my starving. I fought day in and day out about my gender. I fought with teachers who used it against me, students who didn’t believe me, and for a long time I was all alone except for the few friends I had who were all over the country. 

I felt like I was living a double life, i still feel like it. I’m Dave with everyone else, and a perfect daughter to my family. In sophomore and junior year I picked myself up. I found more friends, more of them began to question their gender identity too. Whether I started this self discovery early or if I was the one that sparked theirs, the world was gaining color and clarity. Part of it may be caused by the fact that I had quit my meds cold turkey (in hindsight not a good idea, dont ever do that kids, it’s dangerous), I came out to my mom then my dad as Pan (didn’t go over well but I was out) and I had begun to surround myself with people I really enjoyed and who were a much more positive influence on me.

I have so many positive memories of my friends, going to concerts, being idiots and smoking weed, hanging out every morning and just talking. As hard as everything was, I can say that I had times where I was genuinely happy. But every day, every single day, I had internal battles going on. Fighting tooth and nail not to relapse and start self harming or starving myself, fighting to get out of bed in the morning and go through my routine. Every morning I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at my binder, the thing that was helping me survive yet destroying me too. I sat and stared and wondered “how long am I going to have to put this on? Will I ever be comfortable enough to stop?”

A lot of things changed. My mood increased bit by bit, I found my own coping mechanisms, I learned how to be marginally healthier, my grades picked up, I became an unstoppable force, fueled by determination and pride and spite, I was going to succeed because I wanted to. Because I wanted to speak my mind, to not be a doormat, I wanted to be strong and powerful and to have a grip on my own life. 

Yet, even with my newfound confidence, I was still struggling so deeply. Mid sophomore year my sister started to transition. It hurt. It hurt so deeply and profoundly. This woman, who had been nothing less than a destructive hurricane in my life, who had done nothing but destroy because that’s the only side of me she ever showed, was somehow being given the gift of transitioning. 

I had fought with myself, tried to convince myself that if my sister was being given support, i would too. Besides, my mom had already found out because I was being called Dave by all my teachers and friends.

I didn’t get the reception I was hoping for.

“You know if you pick this lifestyle your entire life is going to be harder. Everything is going to be worse, you’re going to have to struggle so much more through life. You might never reach the success that you want to reach.” I was devastated. I basically crawled back into the closet, my gender coming up sparingly. 

Everything leading up to this time in my life, everything i’ve shared, everything I haven’t, all of it has led up to this and now I’m at a crossroads. It’s the later end of my senior year. College is right around the corner, so are jobs and careers and life, and now I have a choice. Maybe I don’t. 

When I started high school, when I decided I would come out to my teachers and my friends, when I decided to live this life, I also decided I would box myself up by the end of it all, to move forwards in life as a good little girl after this, to get it all out of my system now. Now I see, now I’ve decided that that’s not an option, it never was an option.  I’ve been growing so much, and I don’t intend to stop, I’ve learned ways to help myself, how not to be so self destructive, how to be kinder and gentler to myself and others. I want to be someone who is compassionate and caring but still strong and not a pushover. I think i’ve begun to achieve that, I still have lots more to do and a long way to go but I’m getting myself help, I’m actively trying in therapy, I’m being more self aware in my relationships, I’m building bonds and trust between the people I care about and I’m trying to make my life better, but I can’t go through building this new life while denying myself such a massive aspect of who I am? 

Who am I going to be?

How long can I live this lie of who I am on one hand while trying to define myself on the other?

The world says I have time but my heart says it’s ticking away.

[surveysonfleek]

1211.

Do you want your last ex to be happy, even if it means not being with you? sure. If you have a smartphone, what’s the last app you downloaded? What about the last app you uninstalled?   the last app i downloaded was that simpsons tapped out. i need to kill time lol. the last app i deleted was a business one. If you were a straight member of the opposite sex, who are some celebrities you think you’d have a thing for?   rihanna, beyonce, rita ora. not sure who else. Have you ever dyed your own hair? How did it turn out?   yes. it was fine, not a huge change. Right-handed or left-handed? right-handed.

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?   just a boring iphone one. Does your first, middle, and last spell something?   huh? Favorite TV channel? i don’t have one.  What is your least favorite breed of dog?   i don’t have one tbh. it all depends on the dog’s personality. In your opinion, are leggings appropriate to wear as pants?   yes, i think they’re fine as long as they’re not see through. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents?   nope. Is there any alcohol in the fridge?   yes, wine.

Do you hate it when people smoke around you?   i don’t really care. What do you want for your birthday?   a watch. Who is the most inappropriate person you know?   i know a couple but only when they’re intoxicated. Who in your phone has a heart after their name?   my boyfriend. After breaking up, what’s the worst?   learning how to move on by yourself. Do you have a second mom? nope. When was the hardest time in your life? What made it so hard & how did you overcome it? when my parents separated. it was just a shitty time in my life, i dreaded going home just coz they ignored each other. How do you relieve stress? sleeping, watching movies/tv shows. When you die do you want to have a funeral service? Why or why not?   yeah, i would. it would bring a lot of people together i guess. What illegal drugs have you tried? Describe how you feel when you take each. If you haven’t tried any, would you ever want to? weed, coke, mdma. are shrooms illegal? if so, then yeah i’ve done that too. What is your opinion on capital punishment?   eh. What period of history was your favorite to learn about? If you don’t like history, what is your favorite thing to learn about? modern history. Where is your favorite fast food restaurant & what do you order when you go there? burger king. a whopper. i haven’t had one in ages. What do you think about smoking in public places?   it’s fine. What’s your favorite cheese? camembert. What’s your favorite type of chocolate?   milk. How do you like your steak? medium rare. What’s the last time you ate something you’d picked in the wild? i feel like i’ve never done that. Arrange the following in order of preference: Pineapple, Orange, Apple, Strawberry, Cherry, Watermelon, Banana.   banana, watermelon, pineapple, orange, apple, strawberry, cherry. What is your opinion on “God?”   i believe in them. i’m just not religious whatsoever. What is your favorite Christmas movie?   elf. Who are the three most important people in your life?   i’d have to choose four. my immediate family and boyfriend. Why did you go to the doctor the last time you went?   i had food poisoning. What is your favorite boy band?   boyz ii men. What is your favorite Beatles song?   i don’t have one tbh. What is your favorite type of bird? toucans are cool. What is something you hate, but wish you loved? olives. If you could profoundly release anxiety’s grip on one area of your life what would it be? everything. i have the weirdest irrational anxiety. it’s frustrating. What’s the cutest thing your SO does, but denies it’s cute in any way? his mannerisms. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture?   yeah, i’m in mid laughter haha. Does it irritate you when people go on and on about how amazing their boyfriend/girlfriend is? only if it’s the only thing they talk about. If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark color or a light?   i like neutral shades, browns, pinks, nudes. What do you believe in the most?   idk. What do you avoid like the plague?   driving haha. i do it anyway. What is your main goal of the year?   finding a new job. Do you listen to music while you drive? always. Waffle cone or bowl?   cone. Do you like video games? Why?   it really depends, i’m picky with them. they’re fun to kill time with. Do you take selfies with those animal filters? when they first came out on snapchat they were cute but now i just think they took tacky. What book will you NOT read?   many. What YouTube channel can you not stand to watch? stupid ones. pewdiepie, those logan brother, ricegum etc. they’re terrible, i don’t get the appeal. Do you like big, normal or small glasses?   normal. How do you feel about colored contacts? it’s whatever. to each their own. Is pregnancy beautiful?   sure. Do you dance at weddings/parties or are you shy?   sometimes. when i’m in the mood. Are you kind to animals at all times?   i don’t really take notice of them tbh. Have you ever been bitten by an animal really hard? yes. Do you trust dogs? only my dog. Do you trust cats?   nope. What stereotype do you fall into the best?   slacker. Do you have to take stairs or an elevator to get to your house? stairs. Have you ever seen a pelican in real life? yes. all the damn time at the beaches. Do you carry pepper spray with you?   nope. Name three sites you have been bullied on. none tbh. i keep a pretty low profile. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. nope. not one out of control. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal?   no. Have you ever had a emergency surgery?   no. Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed?   natural. What’s one thing that makes your stomach hurt? anxiety lol. and food. i have a weak stomach. If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World?   of course! What unnatural hair color looks best on you? really dark purple. What is your least favorite pizza place?   i don’t know tbh. What is the name of your first pet?   dopey. he was a bird lol. What is your favorite fairytale?   hmmm. rumpelstiltskin. Have you ever suffered a fracture?   yes. in my pinky from basketball. What countries would you like to visit?   japan and the bahamas. Had a serious surgery?   the most serious would be a dog bite when i was 2. i only remember bits and pieces of it though. Gotten stitches?   yes. Bitten someone?   not seriously. Would you ever cosplay?   probably not. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? pretty quickly. Have you ever drank from a real coconut?   yes! not as sweet as i thought it’d be. Do you have bird feeders hanging up outside? What about any hanging plants? nope. If you were poor, living on the streets, & had no family to aid you, would you take up a job offer to work in a slaughterhouse? if that was the only job i could get, then yeah. it would suck but unfortunately we need money to live. Have you ever had a grandparent come live with you?   yeah. Do you keep your fortunes from fortune cookies?   i did for awhile, kept it in my phone case.  When you walk into your bedroom, is the light switch on the right side or the left side of the door? right. Who makes the majority of the food for Thanksgiving in your family? we don’t celebrate thanksgiving here. Does your house have a real chimney? nope. If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why?   no idea just because i’ve never been through one. probably a hurricane though? i think my house could withstand that. How did you learn to ride a bicycle?   pretty sure my dad taught me. i relied on training wheels even though i knew how to ride without them and finally just got rid of them when i was about 8 lol. If you want any tattoos or piercings, what’s next on your list? don’t want either. Are you good at understanding baby talk?   nope. What was the last movie that you saw in the theaters?   it’s been forever. i think it was deadpool 2 or ocean’s eight. Can you do a hand stand?   nope. If you could, you would go to the moon?   probably not.  Do you like candy canes?   no. Have you ever gotten in trouble at school for wearing revealing clothes?   no. we had uniforms. Have you ever seriously thought about getting plastic surgery?   no. Do you prefer your jeans normal or ripped?   normal. i like acid wash and that distressed look though. Have you ever actually woken up screaming because of a nightmare?   no. Have you watched Breaking Bad?   i’ve seen about half of it. Have you ever been skating?   yes. Do you feel comfortable singing in front of others?   hell no. Name four favorite fast food restaurants & what you usually order at each one. burger king: whopper meal. mcdonalds: cheeseburger or applie pie. kfc: twista meal. sushi hub: i always get sushi and avocado, crispy chicken and avocado and prawn katsu rolls. Name four favorite sit down restaurants & what you usually order at each one.   hurricanes: ribs. hooters: wings in either spicy garlic or teriyaki sauce. idk where else tbh. Would you say you’re more close-minded or open-minded? Is there anyone in your family or group of friends you’d consider close-minded? If so, does it ever bother you? definitely open minded. i think my family and friends are quite open minded. i’m not really close to anyone who i really disagree with when it comes to my views. What is the most fucked up movie you’ve seen? Why?   i honestly forgot what it was called but it was on netflix and there’s just a room of people in this weird room and only one could survive. When it’s time to dress up for a special occasion, are you more likely to wear a dress, a skirt, or dress pants? a dress. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor?   i never ear oatmeal. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after?   nah. How attractive is a girl is a suit? How attractive is a guy in a dress?   it all depends on how the clothes fit the person tbh. What does your dad do?   he works in a factory. Are your fingers long, or short? they’re pretty stubby. Are you allergic to any dogs? nope. Have you ever used an epi pen?   no. What is the meaning of your first name? goddess of wine. funnily enough i’m not a fan of wine. Did you toss your hat in the air at graduation?   i don’t think i did actually lol. Does it usually take you awhile to recover from illnesses? sometimes. it depends. i’ll either get over a sickness in a couple of days or it’ll take weeks. Would you rather get married outside or inside?   inside only because knowing my luck it’ll be raining. Do you put your elbows on the table when you eat? Do you think it’s rude? i don’t think i do but i don’t really consider it rude. Is you hair color the same as it was when you were a baby?   yes. What are your thoughts on mini-skirts or mini-dresses?   not a fan of them on myself. Have you ever died in one of your dreams?   yes haha. then i woke up. Which is tastier: fruity gum or minty gum?   fruity tbh. Be honest, have you ever bullied anybody? Who was it?   not seriously. i’ve been teased but i haven’t been a constant target. What was the mascot at your elementary school?   we didn’t have one. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once?   the proposal. Have you ever had a significant other NOT believe you when you said “i love you” to them? Why was that? How did you react? nope. Is there a band logo you would get tattooed on yourself?   no. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital?   hospital. wouldn’t want to jeopardise anything. What was the last thing you ordered online?   invitations to be printed. What’s your favorite planet?   earth. What are three things that fascinate you? travelling, space and culture. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder? no. Do you enjoy doing yoga? not really. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school?   nope. Have you ever had fondue?   yes. only a chocolate one though. i’d love to try a cheese one. Have you ever taken photos in a photobooth?   yes. If you have a dog, do you walk it regularly? not really. he’s turning 15 this year and is super old. we have a huge backyard so he still runs around when he wants. Do porcelain dolls scare you?   they don’t scare me but i definitely wouldn’t want to start a collection. Which is worse, Teletubbies or Boohbas? boohbas were weird af. Would you ever consider getting a tattoo on the inside of your bottom lip? nope. Do you like to play air hockey? yes. Have you ever been in a castle?   technically yes. it’s just not my definition of a castle. Are you a lightweight when it comes to alcohol?   i’m okay. Do you like tacos?   only soft tacos.

[marshmallowgoop]

Hey goop hope you’re having a great time and your posts are great I keep getting ship shamed for liking Senketsuxryuko (and sometimes even iramako) but you defend them and adore Senketsu and Ryuko platonicly and defend those who love them romantically keep up the great work

Heh, I got the worst sunburn in my life, on my face, right before a convention that I cosplayed at, but this vacation’s still been a blast, thank you!

You bring up something I’ve been meaning to write about: I really hate ‘ship shaming, but I also dislike the idea that people shouldn’t be critical of ‘ships. There are many, many reasons to dislike Ryuko/Senketsu or Mako/Gamagoori (or literally any ‘ship ever), and it’s totally fine to talk about those reasons! But when the ‘ship criticisms stop being ‘ship criticisms and instead become personal attacks on anyone who likes the ‘ships, I just can’t ever see that as okay. There are ways to have constructive discussions without saying that anyone who likes such-and-such is disgusting and gross and should die.

On top of the obvious ways in which these attacks are harmful, they’re also harmful in that they tend to promote the idea that there is only one way to experience a text and anyone else’s experiences are invalid. Using the Mako/Gamagoori example, I have to admit that personally, I’m not really that invested in the pairing. However, I can also see how the coupling appeals to people. Gamagoori is canonically multiracial (discussed here, a bit down), and as a child, he was bullied for his mixed heritage. From what I understand, it’s common in Japan for people who don’t look Japanese to be treated as outsiders (That Japanese Man Yuta has some videos on the topic, such as this one and this one), and though Gamagoori does work his way into a position of power that demands respect, he clearly cherishes when a girl not only treats him as someone who belongs, but also as an equal. Immediately in their first on-screen interaction in episode 4, Mako gets right up in Gamagoori’s face and speaks her mind to him no matter the status difference between them, and Gamagoori takes note! This girl doesn’t hesitate at all to treat him like family.

And really, Mako is so comfortable with Gamagoori! She’s eager to jump into his car, is profoundly honest with him—perhaps overly so—and loves spending her time perched up on his shoulders (which is a love reflected not only in-show, but also official art and merchandise). How nice that kind of behavior must be for Gamagoori, who’s so used to being treated as an outsider to be ridiculed or feared! Mako is someone who doesn’t think of Gamagoori in either light, and that means the world to him.

From Mako’s side, she also has a history of being disrespected and belittled—even by Ryuko!—but Gamagoori never treats her in such a way. Whereas Ryuko promises Mako snacks to stay out of the Festival battle in episode 18 as though she’s a bothersome child, Gamagoori wholeheartedly trusts Mako to help out. How nice that kind of belief and faith must be for Mako, who’s so used to being thought of as an incapable nuisance! Gamagoori is someone who truly respects Mako, and that respect motivates her to act even in the toughest of situations.

Then there are all the other elements of the pair, too. Mako definitely shows interest in women, so it’s more than plausible that she’s bi or pan, and—though I can’t exactly speak personally on the matter, as someone unsure of her sexuality—I’ve often heard the sentiment from people in those groups that they feel like “lesser” members of the LGBT community if they are involved in an opposite-gender romantic relationship. For Mako to be in a romantic relationship with Gamagoori, while still very obviously being into women? That could be really, really meaningful to someone, just like the fact that Gama/Mako is canonically interracial and is filled with so much respect could.

And for other people to call these folks “gross” and shame them for relating to and enjoying the text in these kinds of ways? It deeply, deeply bothers me, and it’s hurt me personally. I’ve definitely felt shamed (even if not directly) for liking Ryuko/Senketsu; “Kill la Kill fans would rather ‘ship a girl with an article of clothing than admit she has romantic feelings for another girl!” is a common belief, and while there are a myriad of problems with it (such as the fact that hey, it’s possible to love more than one person romantically and also SenRyuMako is the Most Canon Kill la Kill ‘ship), this kind of attitude also tells me that how I relate to and enjoy the text is wrong and nasty, and, well, I just find that profoundly unfair. I’ve discussed my preferences for Ryuko/Senketsu in the past (point 6), but why should I have to defend my very morality just for loving a fictional character pairing? Why do I feel like I have to go into deep personal stories to “justify” my ‘shipping preferences? It’s absolutely, utterly ridiculous!

I’m a lot older than many folks on Tumblr now, but I can only imagine how awful I would feel going through all this kind of Discourse as a young teenager. People have always been cruel on the Internet, but I think this trend of “shaming people but it’s okay because what they like is Bad” is fairly new, and I despise it so, so much. It’s not helpful, it’s not progressive, and it leads to messages like these, which make me so sad.

[greyskyye-blog]

You sure do seem to have a lot of opinions about this fandom and how other fans are allowed to enjoy it. Maybe you should stfu and let people enjoy things however they want. It's not all about you.

The irony. It burns.

But seriously dude, I think you need to slow your fucking roll. Normally I wouldn’t respond to this kind of shit because assholes telling me to shut up have never mattered enough to be worth the effort. I’m never going to feel any better and you’re never going to change your mind so why bother, you know? But this time I got some shit to say, and you’re the one that kicked this particular hornet’s nest, so you gonna fucking listen.

My deductive reasoning tells me that I’ve posted “opinions” about 2 different topics this could be alluding to. The first was about ch. 169 and my thoughts regarding the Kamijirou moments. Lemme just start by saying I’ve been told far too many times to sit down and shut up when talking about my feelings on women’s rights to respond with anything other than go fuck yourself and continuing to share my opinion. That said, having re-read the post and from some of the responses I got, I think I maybe didn’t articulate my position as clearly as I had hoped. 

Nothing in that post was meant to imply that there was anything wrong with shipping Kamijirou, that other fans shouldn’t, or that the ship becoming canon would be misogynist. My point was simply that this was such a sweet moment and it could be a wonderful opportunity to show a male character supporting a female character without romantic feelings entering into the equation. Mostly my desire to post my thoughts stemmed from a lot of other reaction posts and how it seemed that no one was really viewing that scene platonically. 

That seemed sort of sad to me so I made a post. I clearly titled it as an unpopular opinion, and I only stated my preference for the relationship to remain platonic and a few reasons why. I never directed other fans to feel the same way, and if I implied that looking at that scene in a different way than I did was somehow wrong then that was not my intention and it was simply a poorly worded position. 

But. This is an important topic. I won’t stop talking about opportunities for positive female representation until we either start getting it on a consistent basis or I’m dead. (Please don’t make me bet on which I think will happen first)

Now, if you’re talking about the other thing I frequently have strong opinions on - namely, the portrayal of Bakugou in fanworks - then I’m just gonna say you can fuck right the fuck off. Bakugou isn’t the first character I’ve felt a personal connection to because we share a lot of the same “issues,” but he’s definitely the one I felt the strongest connection to. 

My entire fucking life I’ve been treated as something damaged, something to be fixed or tamed, something to be trained and then kept on a leash. I was pushed to be more “appropriate” and to change myself to make others feel more comfortable. I’m fucking sick of it. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve been in a committed relationship for 15+ years. I’m raising a child who is happy, healthy, and knows they’re adored endlessly. I have a successful career and colleagues who respect and enjoy working with me. Just because I don’t do those things like you would do those things doesn’t make them any less valid. 

I had long ago given up on the idea that I’d be widely accepted as I am by most of society (if I ever even held that hope or desire to begin with; I honestly can’t remember) but I felt sure I’d be able to find a couple of individuals who would love me for who I was and not who they thought I should be.

So yeah, it hurts to see a character that I see so much of myself in continue to be so profoundly misunderstood over and over again in this fandom. It’s so disappointing to get all the way to the end of a fic thinking that okay this time the author was going to give Bakugou his one person who would accept him fully, only to find out that no, there were all these conditions that had to be met for a relationship, or that Kirishima thinks Bakugou needs therapy, or he continues to apologize for Bakugou’s behavior or defend the relationship to his friends. It’s a slap in the face and a reminder that no matter what I achieve and what I build for myself, to the outside world I’m little more than a feral beast.

This is obviously a deeply personal issue and one I have very strong opinions about. And yes, I have posted those opinions. It’s possible that those opinions could have made someone uncomfortable, but I have tried to make it clear that other fans should continue to see and depict his as they saw fit regardless of my opinion. I’m disappointed (and in some cases offended) by a lot of the content that’s out there, but that doesn’t mean I want to stop the creation of that content. Only that I want to create an alternative and acknowledge that this content upsets me.

And guess what? Even if none of that other stuff was true, this is still MY GODDAMNED BLOG. And on my motherfucking blog it is, in fact, all about me. On this blog I will say whatever the fuck I want about whatever fucking topic I like and if that’s a problem for you then kindly get the fuck out please. Like fuck am I going to be bullied into keeping my opinions to myself in the space that I created just to be open about my opinions. Bitch please. You gonna have to come at me with something harder than an acronym to keep me down.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Before Spec Spidey Batman Beyond was called the best Spider-Man cartoon ever, more or less as an insult to all other Spider-Man cartoons, but more specifically the 1994 Spider-Man animated series.

 Frankly in thinking about it...that’s really just superficial and ignorant.

 The point of view stems from the following commonalities between Batman Beyond and Spider-Man, though I’m sure I am missing some.

 1)      They are both about teenage superheroes

2)      The protagonists are both being raised by single mothers

3)      Both have a blonde/ginger jock rival at school

4)      Both have corrupt industrialist businessman villains who’re untouched by the law and believed to be perfectly innocent

5)      Both have villains who have inky black bodies and shapeshifting powers

6)      Both have friends who turn into villains

7)      Both have villains who are urban hunters

8)      Both have love interests who are morally grey, black and white clad costumes thieves

9)      In one scene the protagonist of the story comes home to find police outside his house and informing him his father figure was murdered , believing that the killer’s actions had something to do with them, thus facilitating feelings of guilt within them

 Let’s go through those points and discuss why Batman Beyond whilst a great show is really NOT the best Spider-Man show ever exempting Spec Spidey.

 They are both about teenage superheroes

 Spider-Man invented the archetype of the teenage superhero but it doesn’t inherently mean any teen hero equates to him.

That would be like saying every superhero ever equates to Superman.

Specifics of personality and life situation matter.

Peter Parker is a wholesome nerdy kid whereas Terry McGinnis is a modestly popular ex-juvenile offender and punk.

 The protagonists are both being raised by single mothers

 See above. Noticeably Terry doesn’t have to support his mother the way Peter supported Aunt May and she is neither elderly, sickly nor doting.

  Both have a blonde/ginger jock rival at school

 Sure, but whilst Flash Thompson was a jock with some semblance of redeeming features and adored Spidey, Nelson Nash was indifferent to Batman Beyond and generally seemed like an arrogant jerk and nothing more.

More poignantly while Flash was a bully and bullied Peter Parker specifically Nelson was not a bully to Terry McGinnis . They competed, were rivals but they ultimately hung in the same social circles whereas Flash was very much higher up the High school hierarchy than ‘Puny Parker’.

 Both have corrupt industrialist businessman villains who’re untouched by the law and believed to be perfectly innocent

 Derek Powers and his son Paxton Powers could be compared to Norman Osborn or Kingpin.

 However Kingpin is more or less akin to Spider-Man in so far as he spawned an archetype of businessman criminals of which even post-Crisis Lex Luthor would fit. Does Kingpin own the franchise on this type of character and nobody else can play on it?

 And whilst Derek Powers/Blight is a better analogy to Norman Osborn/Green Goblin due to their secret identities as villains (and green colour schemes) their personalities, motives and overall relationship are wildly different.

 Derek Powers is more or less a ruthless and mercenary businessman. He breaks the law and hurts people, even kills them, but it’s all to simply protect his interests or make a profit.

 Whilst Norman would definitely do things like that, for him the money is just a means to an end. That end being power. And unlike Derek who will kill and attack someone if you antagonize him, Norman is outright sadistic. He doesn’t seek to simply kill his enemies who’ve really gotten to him so much as destroy and torment them.

 Finally for Derek Powers, being Blight is a frustrating illness he wants rid of and tries to not to spend too much time in that identity. For Norman it is the route he truly desires to seek power from. He loves it and feels complete when in costume.

 Both have villains who have inky black bodies and shapeshifting powers

 Again this is profoundly superficial.

 Putting sex aside, Venom and Inque are very obviously completely different characters.

 Inque’s powerset makes her a living blob.

 Venom is a solid pack of muscle who uses said muscle and very physical force to attack with.

 Inque is a mercenary and saboteur in it for the money and at most a little payback.

 Venom is a delusional, obsessive stalker bent on revenge.

 Inque is a at the end of the day just a villain to Batman Beyond.

 Venom is a terrifying dark reflection of Spider-Man who preys upon his personal life.

 Both have friends who turn into villains

My how utterly exclusive to Spider-Man and Spider-Man alone that is.

 And of course vulnerable drug addict and abused kid Harry Osborn going over the edge and becoming a bad guy out of a desire for post-humorous paternal approval is just like Charlie Bigalow.

 I mean he was a troubled punk kid who pushed the law with our hero when they were kids and wound up in prison before getting out and mutating.

 They are the exact same thing.

 Both have villains who are urban hunters

 Kraven the Hunter is not the only example of a character like this. Merely the most famous.

 Both have love interests who are morally grey, black and white clad costumes thieves

Ten is obviously Catwoman more than she is Felicia Hardy.

More poignantly Ten and Terry’s relationship plays out excluisivly in their normal identities and is about genuine young love. Ten also doesn’t honestly want the criminal life she leads and does so out of family obligation.

Peter and Felicia’s relationship begins in their costumed identities and is about Peter trying to turn her away from villainy and her thrillseeking ways making that difficult. Felicia is an adventurer because it’s who she is and wants to be, a decision she made for herself not out of any obligation.

 In one scene the protagonist of the story comes home to find police outside his house and informing him his father figure was murdered , believing that the killer’s actions had something to do with them, thus facilitating feelings of guilt within them

 Yeah but the Terry’s guilt is resolved by the end of the first 2 episodes when he learns his father’s death had nothing to do with him.

 When the death of your teen hero’s father had nothing to do with their own actions and doesn’t teach them a lesson about how and why to be a hero then fundamentally you are not telling a Spider-Man story.

 I could go on and on about other deviations between Spider-Man lore and Batman Beyond but instead I want to focus upon the stones thrown against Spider-Man the Animated Series by comparing this show to Spidey.

 I’m not suggesting Batman Beyond wasn’t INSPIRED to some extent by Spider-Man but the idea that it was honestly a Spider-Man show in even an abstract sense or that it was the ‘best’ Spider-Man show until Spec came along is utterly boneheaded and superficial.

 And I’m not talking about simplistic differences like the names, costumes and power sets of the leads being different or any of the deviations I listed above.

 I’m talking about the spirit and core concept of Spider-Man vs Batman Beyond being intrinsically different to one another.

 Batman Beyond conceptually is about a punk teenager who becomes Batman in the future, learning from Bruce Wayne and trying to redeem himself for his past as a punk. It’s dark, it’s edgy, it’s about legacy and helping a city which is in desperate need of the hero they lost long ago. A better analogy would be to say it is the Mask of Zorro to regular Batman’s Mark of Zorro.

 Spider-Man conceptually is totally different. To begin with (and putting aside the futuristic setting) Spider-Man isn’t ABOUT being a teen hero. He merely started that way. Spider-Man is about one man’s life as he juggles the responsibilities of heroism alongside the normal life responsibilities most of us deal with at some point and the complications thereof. The point of the character is for him to be relatively speaking a relatable albeit nerdy guy and to examine the themes of responsibility, specifically in relation to the power one has in one’s life.

 This is ignited by an origin story of a kid shirking his responsibilities and learning the harsh price of doing so. Batman Beyond much like Batman himself is a story not about someone becoming a hero because they saw the ramifications of them NOT being one but becoming a hero because the forces of evil took someone they love, so they resolve to try and prevent such a thing from happening again. Peter’s story is an aesop’s fable where he is shaped by his own mistakes whilst Burce and Terry’s stories are about cruel chance shattering their lives. They are innocent victims in the tragedy of their origins, whereas Peter is not, he could have prevented calamity.

 It goes without saying Spider-Man the animated series got this right so I don’t see how on this count anyone could say Terry is Peter and therefore Batman Beyond was a better Spider-Man tv show.

 Furthermore a vital part of the core concept of Spider-Man was his status as a independent, self made man. This again was captured in the 1994 cartoon whilst Batman Beyond hinged upon the student/teacher relationship between Terry and Bruce Wayne. This would be a categorical betrayal of Spider-Man’s story if done in a Spider-Man show.

 Tonally Spider-Man the Animated Series captured the vitally important grey area Spider-Man typically occupies as a series. Spider-Man stories can fall somewhere between light and fun, dark and serious. Usually they mix the two together so that there is bombastic colourful superhero action alongside more grounded real life human drama. Spider-Man the Animated Series eloquently captured this vast range with dark stories like the Alien Costume Saga, goofier episodes like the Spot spotlight episode and the ‘somewhere in between’ like the debut of Mysterio which generates pathos for our hero whilst showcasing the over the top character of Mysterio, having Peter and Mary Jane flirt over the phone and have her later dump him. Batman Beyond meanwhile was appropriately dark and edgy most of the time with occasional ventures into the light and the fun.

  Microcosm of this can be seen in the characters’ divergent senses of humour. For all the one liners and jokes Terry McGinnis dropped, his style of humour was akin to a James Bond ‘cool one liner’ or Ali’s trademark disses. Spidey in the 90s cartoon much like in the comics, was more of a witty banterer, prone to mocking the absurdity of a villain, a situation and even his own lifestyle.

 Some examples to illustrate the differences.

 In Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker Terry McGinnis confronts the Jokerz gang and says:

 It's a school night, boys and girls. I'm gonna have to call your folks.

 Cool. Bad ass. And one of the few things Terry says in the proceeding fight, let alone one of the few jokes.

 In the episode Doctor Octopus Armed and Dangerous, Doc Ock says

Spider-Man! You're making a career of interference!

 Which then prompts our hero to say:

  Some career! No salary, no vacation; and talk about on-the-job health hazards! 

 Later in the same episode this exchange happens:

 How does it feel to know that you could change things, Spider-Man, but be helpless to do so?

 Not as bad as I'd feel if I had a name like Doc Ock! 

 See what I mean. Terry has a sense of humour but it functions totally differently to Spidey’s.

  In terms of story structure Batman Beyond followed the typical DCAU standard of making mostly self-contained episodes which were mini-movies in a sense. Now it DID have one notable subplot which was Derek Powers’ medical condition which ran during the first season. But really that was it. Beyond that whilst some episodes exist post certain shifts in the status quo a lot of episodes are interchangeable in their viewing order. Typically any given episode is just a day in the life of Terry McGinnis .

 And I’m not insulting the show for that, it worked beautifully. But it is totally not how Spider-Man’s comic book series nor Spidey TAS functioned. Although one could shift some episodes around in the first season of Spider-Man the animated series the majority of the show demanded you see the episodes on sequence to get the full story.

 Peter’s life much like the comics wasn’t a series of day in the life adventures, but rather a forward flowing narrative wherein events of one day might impact upon the next and so on and so forth.

 Spider-Man in episode 10 of season 1 is casually interested in Mary Jane Watson and Felicia Hardy. By the concluding episode of season 3 he’s very much in love with Mary Jane and debating ending his career as a superhero to be with her. By the final episode of season 5 he’s come to complete peace and acceptance in his life despite the absence of Mary Jane, whom he is determined to find and be with. These events run in conjunction with shifting developments and subplots in the lives of the supporting cast. In season 1 Norman Osborn gets in debt to the Kingpin whom Spider-Man is unaware is Wilson Fisk, meanwhile Felicia Hardy is casually dating Flash Thompson. In season 3 Norman becomes the Green Goblin and seeks to kill Kingpin to free himself of the debt, whilst Felicia is trying to move on from her lost love Michael Morbius with Spider-Man himself and Jason Macendale who is in fact the Hobgoblin who was originally created by Norman Osborn to kill Kingpin to free himself of the debt. In the course of the season Spidey learns Kingpin’s identity, Kingpin pressures Norman to reveal Hobgoblin’s identity prompting Norman to become the Goblin again and reveal Macendale’s relationship to Felicia whilst also trying to get rid of him and Fisk.

 Which brings me to my next point. Whilst Batman Beyond did have a supporting cast they didn’t get half the play that Spider-Man’s did, which is appropriate because the supporting cast is a vital part of Spider-Man’s lore. To underuse them or not have them is to most definitely be screwing up Spider-Man. In this regard if we were judging the two shows as a Spider-Man adaptation Spidey TAS crushes Batman Beyond as the supporting cast is large, present and has their own subplots beautifully intertwined with one another and the main plots overall. And often times these sorts of entanglements are romantic in nature, far moreso than in Batman Beyond.

 All of which is VITAL to the spirit of Spider-Man the comic book series but is mostly absent from Batman Beyond.

 I could go on but to start wrapping things up lets ponder the question of WHY anybody in t he face of these incredibly obvious deviations ever claim Batman Beyond is the best Spider-Man show ever or in fact a Spider-Man show at all?

 Because...it had better production values.

 Honestly that is the real reason. Batman Beyond had better animation and used less stock footage, therefore it was better as a Spider-Man show than Spider-Man the Animated Series.

 And I won’t deny it’s better quality production values, nor will I dive into why the production values were different.

 But I will say this...it’s superficial. I’m not saying good animation isn’t important to an animated TV show but good lord surely the story and the characters themselves are at least AS important if not moreso. In that regard Spider-Man the Animated series as a Spider-Man show is egregiously superior than Batman Beyond.

 It is truly an honest and heartfelt interpretation of the Spider-Man mythology as it existed at that time.

 Batman Beyond is not. It’s just an incredibly awesome show unto itself that took cues from the same lore but was it’s own thing.

People need to stop being superficial morons and saying otherwise.

[a-trauma-fox]

i’m thinking about not knowing if i want stuff, specifically sexual stuff, or knowing too late. it’s really explicit under the cut so tw for cocsa, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, (falsely directed) misogyny and proceed with caution.

some time ago i thought about my first time again, with my then-bf. i think we had sex 2 times. i was 11 and he 12ish, maybe 13 actually, bc he was 1.5 yrs older than me and it was close to my 12th birthday.

he did push me into stuff. like kissing, with tongue, for hours when i didn’t like it (and i told him i didn’t like it, but he was like ‘come on, i like it so much’ and continued anyway. and i let him). i was hesitant before our first time, and it wasn’t my idea. he said a girl had let him do it before, that she’d been even younger than me (9) and it had been fine for her. it took a couple of weeks for him to convince me i think. i didn’t want to disappoint him. so finally we lay in bed naked, i was unsure. he showed me his penis, in a way too large condom, and said come onnn, he’s already waiting for you! and i was like i’m not sure this is a good idea but fine. and it was a mess, it hurt a lot.

once we had started the sex i continued - ‘for him’ because he wanted it so much and i wanted to feel wanted and i wanted to feel grown-up. we stopped after a while. i think it was pleasant for him, but he was too young to ejaculate or anything. it wasn’t pleasant for me. i thought it should have felt good though and that something probably was wrong with me. i felt used.

but i agreed again at least one time after that. i thought the second time probably wouldn’t hurt as bad bc i’d lost my virginity after all! and even by that age i was a sceptic but willing to give stuff second chances, and also an experience seeker, and thought maybe the second time could be overall more pleasurable for me. i don’t explicitly remember how hard he pushed for a second time, but i know he did push for it. and i still wanted to feel wanted and grown-up and thought i could handle it. and i didn’t want him to leave me because of this. not very surprisingly, the second time was disappointing again, i felt used again even though i had more part in it this time.

i don’t remember if there was a third time with him. he became really religious pretty soon after that and said jesus cured his adhd, so we couldn’t play gta on the computer anymore (which was actually my favorite thing to do with him). so i said alright, but you know then we can’t have sex as well because you know what jesus says about premarital sex. he was all ‘but but but’ and we were interrupted when my mom came to pick me up from his place. we broke up after that. i think he broke up bc of the sex thing, and i broke up because at the time i had this burning contempt for religion and especially religious hypocrisy. (i thought jesus didn’t give a shit about me grilling a bunch of pixel elvis impersonators with a pixel flamethrower. but i digress)

after that i decided that sex categorically wasn’t for me. that something must be wrong with me for not getting pleasure out of it. i somehow couldn’t bring myself to touch a penis until ten years later in my early twenties. before, at 15, i had a sort-of relationship with a girl 4 years older than me who kept touching me even though i didn’t want it and i lay there dissociated. i told her it was fine and i was sorry i didn’t feel the same way about her. at 16 i got really drunk with a boy around 18 and we started making out, then i burst into tears and told him i was broken and didn’t really want this, and we stopped. he sent me a patronising letter telling me i didn’t know what i wanted. then at 16-17 i had a boyfriend who was 22-23 and we were both unintersted in sex so that aspect was chill. at the time i was in a psych ward for the first time, and one of the therapists somewhere down the line asked me if i was sure i’d never been raped or something like it. i said yeah no, my first time was pretty early but just disappointing (’most first times suck don’t they? lol’) and then i decided sex wasn’t for me, but i was okay with that and everything was totally chill. i don’t know if she actually bought that, but she dropped the subject. would have been helpful if she’d told me what makes a sexual encounter nonconsensual. at 18 i had a bf who was 32 and with him i actually had the first orgasm with another person, though he emotionally manipulated me into having sex.

i ‘confessed’ that i had sex with him one night, maybe one or two years later at most, to my mother. i remember feeling a deep shame and i couldn’t stop crying. i think she stayed and tried to calm me down, but she didn’t really say anything that made me feel better. i expected her to be shocked or to say she was sorry that happened and she didn’t notice or something. but she sort of just... noted it? i had the feeling she didn’t really want to stay, she actually would rather go to bed than comfort me, but leaving would be too much of an asshole move so she stuck it out.

i actually don’t know why my parents never said anything to me and my first bf when i was 11. they must have known that we were lying in bed, kissing, for hours, sometimes only in our underwear. but they only gave us space to do whatever. i don’t remember them asking questions about what my boyfriend and i were doing. if i had an 11 year old child i definitely would ask that stuff to make sure they were okay? to make sure they knew it’s okay to say no if you feel uncomfortable for any reason at all? to make sure they didn’t do anything that’s really inappropriate for their stage of development, physically and psychologically? isn’t that what a parent should do?

i don’t know if my first time was cocsa. i don’t know if it was that bad. it certainly had some pretty unhealthy elements. it’s even harder to decide now in hindsight, because it happened during a time where i was deeply unhappy. i was bullied at school, which definitely was traumatic, robbed me fo sleep for years afterwards and screwed me up even more. i was really numb most of the time back then, and i suspect it’s the time i started dissociating (idk maybe i learned it earlier but i definitely knew how to do it when i was 11). i thought i was broken and a profoundly bad person, but at least had the decency to feel bad about it in contrast to the other children who i thought were even worse than me. i was really lonely and that boyfriend at least gave me closeness and attention, even if it was mainly to get in my pants. at the same time i was so numb that i didn’t care about a lot of things, and it took strong stimuli like video games to make me feel excited. i had a lot of anger inside me and got a punching bag because i thought i might lose it in school and kill another kid. at the same time i thought i was really grown up and could/had to handle everything on my own. i had mainly contempt for feelings and vulnerability, especially my own, so that didn’t help with learning self care.

anyway, back to that first time - i don’t remember if i just didn’t know what i wanted and went one step further, or if i wanted it to work and went one step further. i feel like if i wanted it to work, that makes it not sexual abuse, because i consented right? also if it really was so bad, why would i try it a second time? i know i wasn’t as opposed to the second time because i didn’t want to judge sex in general based only on the first time, and then there was the boyfriend who kept going on about it.

it’s actually a bit similar to my most recent affair that went really bad. it definitely involved some emotional abuse from him, and then we also had sex once. this time we’re both adults at least. i was falling for him hard and wanted it to work, but then he seriously crossed a line during sex and i couldn’t say no, i sort of froze and stuck it out. he definitely should have asked before what was okay and what was not, but he didn’t. and i chose to see where it would go, i even initiated the sex. my therapist asked me if it felt fitting to say “i felt raped by him”, and i didn’t know. that would depend on if it actually was rape, i thought. he didn’t even know what he did until i told him that part wasn’t consensual, that it hurt and gave me flashbacks and new triggers. i still don’t know what to call it, but am starting to make my peace with it anyway.

but i still wonder if that first time was sexual abuse or just poor boundaries on my part...

if you’ve made it this far, i’m sorry. since this is my place to dump stuff anonymously, please give me your two cents on that last question if you want. i tend to go around in circles in my mind with this stuff and could really use some input.

[wingsy-keeper-of-songs]

I want to be real here with ya’ll. And this is going to get into some hella personal territory here, so brace yourselves.

I am autistic. I was diagnosed back in 2009 when the diagnosis was known as Asperger’s Syndrome or high-functioning autism (which some autistic folks don’t particularly care for, but to each their own) and it has profoundly affected my life in a majority of ways. I know this site is super proud of autism acceptance and that’s awesome to see, but I feel like some folks just don’t seem to grasp how much of a pain in the ass this disorder can be. Just by definition of the disorder we have trouble with socializing and communication which is the core fundamentals of human interaction. When we misunderstand something in a social situation or we aren’t able to communicate our needs or read people’s emotions and moods, we’re the ones who suffer for it. We’re seen as weird or overtly emotional or burdens on our family. And there are a lot of awesome groups out there who are super helpful resources for autistic folks, but I wonder if people really understand just how isolating this disorder really is.

I spent all 12 of my educational years attempting to make friends the way “normal” kids would, but I never really understood what made me weird in the first place or why no one wanted to be my friend. I found a few like-minded people in my later years and we’ve established long friendships and I am forever grateful to have them in my life, but at the time it felt that no one liked or understood me. I was ostracized at school for my version of stimming which was sucking my thumb. It was a comfort to me and it made me feel better, but when a 10 year old is sucking her thumb, people tend to keep their distance due to germs or being weirded out by the behavior or whatever. I had to kick the habit and lost my security blanket. I also faced problems at home in communicating with my parents who weren’t aware of my disorder or what it meant until 2009 when I was just entering high school. My father was raised in a physically and emotionally abusive household and he never sought help for his trauma. Naturally, it manifested into my own abuse which was more emotional than physical. I was the kid who screwed up, I was the kid who did everything wrong. I got so much negative attention that my two younger sisters learned when to make themselves scarce when Dad was on the warpath. One of them even grew to resent that I had so much attention from my parents despite it being wholly negative. “At least they pay attention to you,” was her argument. “I might as well not even exist.” I should note that I in no way have any resentment towards her for feeling this way. After all, I was one of her biggest bullies because I had no way to express my own anger and pain to anyone who would listen because I didn’t understand it myself. And so, I would take it out on her because she looked and acted the same way the kids who hurt me so badly at school did. It was unfair and it is no excuse and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for it. My mother did her best to play the mediator between fights, but no mother should have to choose between her daughter and her husband. And she had her own issues as well being from a neglectful family who put more interest into her elder siblings instead of her. So she and my sister could commiserate, but who could I talk to and confide in besides my therapist?

I sought happiness and stability in both music and acting later on in life, but I was never functional enough to leave my house and my parents. As soon as my sisters turned 18, they managed to snag jobs and left. My youngest sister even moved states and is now in Washington and going to school for computer sciences while the one I bullied for most of my childhood is a bartender at a local sports bar. Both of them live independently and have well-paying jobs that they’ve kept for longer than six months while I flit from job to job like a little girl picking petals from a daisy. I got my first taste of happiness when I applied for the Disney College Program last year and by some stroke of luck (I had been trying for five years to get in) I managed to get enrolled. It was the happiest I’d been in years. But it didn’t last. I lived in a place where it was cold and dry and I was not used to any kind of heat and my internship started in the hottest month of the year in Florida and I was not prepared for it. I was hospitalized for heat exhaustion after about a month. I also was made aware that my strangeness and my abnormal behaviors such as going for walks late at night and talking in my sleep would be cause for concern among my roommates. They had apparently phoned Housing and lodged several complaints about my behavior and how I made them uncomfortable. Before I was called to work, I was called into Housing and I disclosed my diagnosis, hoping it would clear up any discomforts my roommates may have had. I thought we all liked each other as they never seemed to be wary of me and had invited me a few places before. I was very wrong. I was moved to a new housing complex and required to start again which I did for a week until that complex as well lodged complaints about my behavior. This time it was due to my inappropriate and dark sense of humor. I was told by Housing that one of my roommates had listened to me laughing while I watched a paranormal documentary or a documentary on serial killers. I wasn’t laughing at the subject matter, I was laughing at the hosts I attempted to explain through confused tears. I didn’t think things like murder and demonic activity were funny, I thought the jokes the hosts wee cracking were funny. Again, I had made someone uncomfortable enough to ask me to be removed from the complex. My third set of roommates would be my last chance, Housing said. If I made them uncomfortable, I would be removed from the program and would never be able to reapply. I was devastated and hurt, and I made a choice. If I truly was so unbearable to be around, then I had to leave. I’d rather leave of my own accord than be fired for something I couldn’t help. I put in my two weeks, and I came home to Alaska after barely two months of working for the Happiest Place on Earth.

Disney meant the world to me. It always had. My dream was to give someone, anyone the experiences I had when I visited the parks. I wanted to make moments magical for kids or anyone else who felt like the world hated them. When I came to Disney World for my high school graduation, I felt for the first time that it was okay to be myself. These lovely, smiling people accepted me for who I was and made those two weeks the best of my life. I wanted to do what they did and give another little girl that same experience. And now here I am afterwards, lost and confused with a shattered dream and no directions. 

I came home to a disappointed family who, according to my grandmother, were finally able to get along while I was away. While I was gone, they hardly fought at all. My mom told me that she was worried every day, sure, but at least she wasn’t fighting with my dad about the way he treated me. My dad was finally proud of me for the first time in my life. And after I came home, I sank lower than I ever sank before. I became a presence in their lives again. I became the burden that Autism Moms are so worried about when they aren’t vaccinating their children. And now my parents fight again. The sister I bullied in childhood told me that I wouldn’t amount to anything because I never try hard enough when we fought because I was so worried about getting people nice presents for Christmas. My grandmother said that I’d rather stay at home and live off my parents like a parasite than get a job just like the other poor people she knew. I recognize that my sister didn’t mean it and that we were fighting, and my grandmother is a product of her time and social class, but that doesn’t make things hurt any less. Then I read about what other “normal” people say about their children with autism, how they were better off dead from a preventable disease, or that they’re a burden on their family because they can’t function correctly and I can’t help but wonder if my family feels the same way. “You don’t know how hard it is to be your parent,” my mom said through tears during a fight. And she’s right. I don’t know. But you don’t understand how hard it is to be where I am and see all these things happening in front of you for other people because they don’t have difficulties communicating. They aren’t missing 70% of human interaction because they can read it. They don’t have to worry about their grandparents judging them for thinking about going on disability. Or maybe they do. I don’t know. What I do know is that when you spend so much time on the outside of things, sometimes you just want to give up. When you’re told how much better it would be if you’d just disappeared one day and never came back to the school playground ever again, you can’t help but agree when you hear it 20 years later from a different person.

I don’t even know where I was going with any of this, and it’s long enough as it is. I’m just tired. 

I’m really, really tired.

[demitgibbs]

Mike Huckabee Got His Anti-Gay Feelings Hurt

I don’t listen to a lot of country music. In fact, since Trump’s “election” I haven’t listened to anything other than heavy metal (it’s honestly the only music that makes sense right now). Still, I do love me some Johnny Cash and Dolly Parton.

So, when I heard that former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee had joined and then resigned from the CMA Foundation, I first thought that he’d been invited to be a presenter at the Country Music Awards, but then someone was like, “Wait, he tells terrible jokes and is also a very terrible person,” and he was struck from the list.

It turns out CMA stands for Country Music Association, not Awards, and the CMA Foundation supports music education in schools. But other than that my imagined scenario turns out to be pretty accurate.

Lots of people were unhappy with Huckabee’s appointment, including Monument Records and Sandbox Entertainment owner Jason Owen, whose roster includes names like Faith Hill and Kacey Musgraves. Owen, who is gay, made it clear to the CMA that so long as Huckabee was on board, he wasn’t.

“Huckabee speaks of the sort of things that would suggest my family is morally beneath his and uses language that has a profoundly negative impact upon young people all across this country,” Owen wrote in a letter. “Not to mention how harmful and damaging his deep involvement with the NRA is. What a shameful choice. I will not participate in any organization that elevates people like this to positions that amplify their sick voices.”

Clearly the CMA saw how unwise it would be to essentially trade Huckabee for Faith Hill. Also maybe not a good look to have an NRA lapdog on board after the largest mass shooting in the U.S. just happened at a country music concert a few months ago.

Understandably, Huckabee got his anti-gay feelings hurt.

“Someone who has never met me threatens to wreck valuable programs of the CMA Foundation because of a personal contempt for my faith and politics,” Huckabee wrote in his resignation letter, apparently not seeing the irony that his so-called “faith and politics” is in part based on his contempt that is, indeed, very personal for LGBTQ people.

“Until recently, the arts was the one place America could set aside political, geographical, racial, religious, and economic barriers and come together,” Huckabee wrote. “If the arts community becomes part of the polarization instead of bridging communities and people over the power of civil norms as reflected in the arts, then we as a civilization may not be long for this earth.”

I don’t know what Huckabee’s definition of “recently” is, but that nonsense has literally never been true. While the arts can build bridges between people, art is hardly apolitical. Art has always been a means of resistance against oppression and a way to fight the silencing of diverse voices.

As for civilization not being “long for this earth,” wait until he finds out who his daughter works for. Ha ha just kidding. Huckabee loves Trump almost as much as he loves guns.

“The message here is ‘Hate Wins,’” Huckabee wrote in his letter. “Bullies succeeded in making it untenable to have ‘someone like me’ involved.”

So a gay man who refuses to be quiet about about his own dehumanization by a very public political figure is a bully. Got it. What about an entire party that has embraced a racist, sexist and homophobic agenda that values guns and money above human lives? Then again, “bullies” isn’t a strong enough word to describe the Republican Party.

In his letter, Huckabee outlines his long support for music education. And it’s true, he’s done some good in this area. But he’s literally a proud member of a party that’s against public education and thinks higher ed is liberal indoctrination. Trump, the dumbest man on the planet, is their leader.

So please allow me to play the world’s smallest violin to accompany Huckabee’s tears. Actually, to keep with the country music theme here, make that the world’s smallest fiddle.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/03/20/mike-huckabee-got-his-anti-gay-feelings-hurt/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.tumblr.com/post/172077144410

[cynthiajayusa]

Mike Huckabee Got His Anti-Gay Feelings Hurt

I don’t listen to a lot of country music. In fact, since Trump’s “election” I haven’t listened to anything other than heavy metal (it’s honestly the only music that makes sense right now). Still, I do love me some Johnny Cash and Dolly Parton.

So, when I heard that former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee had joined and then resigned from the CMA Foundation, I first thought that he’d been invited to be a presenter at the Country Music Awards, but then someone was like, “Wait, he tells terrible jokes and is also a very terrible person,” and he was struck from the list.

It turns out CMA stands for Country Music Association, not Awards, and the CMA Foundation supports music education in schools. But other than that my imagined scenario turns out to be pretty accurate.

Lots of people were unhappy with Huckabee’s appointment, including Monument Records and Sandbox Entertainment owner Jason Owen, whose roster includes names like Faith Hill and Kacey Musgraves. Owen, who is gay, made it clear to the CMA that so long as Huckabee was on board, he wasn’t.

“Huckabee speaks of the sort of things that would suggest my family is morally beneath his and uses language that has a profoundly negative impact upon young people all across this country,” Owen wrote in a letter. “Not to mention how harmful and damaging his deep involvement with the NRA is. What a shameful choice. I will not participate in any organization that elevates people like this to positions that amplify their sick voices.”

Clearly the CMA saw how unwise it would be to essentially trade Huckabee for Faith Hill. Also maybe not a good look to have an NRA lapdog on board after the largest mass shooting in the U.S. just happened at a country music concert a few months ago.

Understandably, Huckabee got his anti-gay feelings hurt.

“Someone who has never met me threatens to wreck valuable programs of the CMA Foundation because of a personal contempt for my faith and politics,” Huckabee wrote in his resignation letter, apparently not seeing the irony that his so-called “faith and politics” is in part based on his contempt that is, indeed, very personal for LGBTQ people.

“Until recently, the arts was the one place America could set aside political, geographical, racial, religious, and economic barriers and come together,” Huckabee wrote. “If the arts community becomes part of the polarization instead of bridging communities and people over the power of civil norms as reflected in the arts, then we as a civilization may not be long for this earth.”

I don’t know what Huckabee’s definition of “recently” is, but that nonsense has literally never been true. While the arts can build bridges between people, art is hardly apolitical. Art has always been a means of resistance against oppression and a way to fight the silencing of diverse voices.

As for civilization not being “long for this earth,” wait until he finds out who his daughter works for. Ha ha just kidding. Huckabee loves Trump almost as much as he loves guns.

“The message here is ‘Hate Wins,’” Huckabee wrote in his letter. “Bullies succeeded in making it untenable to have ‘someone like me’ involved.”

So a gay man who refuses to be quiet about about his own dehumanization by a very public political figure is a bully. Got it. What about an entire party that has embraced a racist, sexist and homophobic agenda that values guns and money above human lives? Then again, “bullies” isn’t a strong enough word to describe the Republican Party.

In his letter, Huckabee outlines his long support for music education. And it’s true, he’s done some good in this area. But he’s literally a proud member of a party that’s against public education and thinks higher ed is liberal indoctrination. Trump, the dumbest man on the planet, is their leader.

So please allow me to play the world’s smallest violin to accompany Huckabee’s tears. Actually, to keep with the country music theme here, make that the world’s smallest fiddle.

source https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/03/20/mike-huckabee-got-his-anti-gay-feelings-hurt/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazin.blogspot.com/2018/03/mike-huckabee-got-his-anti-gay-feelings.html

[hotspotsmagazine]

Mike Huckabee Got His Anti-Gay Feelings Hurt

I don’t listen to a lot of country music. In fact, since Trump’s “election” I haven’t listened to anything other than heavy metal (it’s honestly the only music that makes sense right now). Still, I do love me some Johnny Cash and Dolly Parton.

So, when I heard that former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee had joined and then resigned from the CMA Foundation, I first thought that he’d been invited to be a presenter at the Country Music Awards, but then someone was like, “Wait, he tells terrible jokes and is also a very terrible person,” and he was struck from the list.

It turns out CMA stands for Country Music Association, not Awards, and the CMA Foundation supports music education in schools. But other than that my imagined scenario turns out to be pretty accurate.

Lots of people were unhappy with Huckabee’s appointment, including Monument Records and Sandbox Entertainment owner Jason Owen, whose roster includes names like Faith Hill and Kacey Musgraves. Owen, who is gay, made it clear to the CMA that so long as Huckabee was on board, he wasn’t.

“Huckabee speaks of the sort of things that would suggest my family is morally beneath his and uses language that has a profoundly negative impact upon young people all across this country,” Owen wrote in a letter. “Not to mention how harmful and damaging his deep involvement with the NRA is. What a shameful choice. I will not participate in any organization that elevates people like this to positions that amplify their sick voices.”

Clearly the CMA saw how unwise it would be to essentially trade Huckabee for Faith Hill. Also maybe not a good look to have an NRA lapdog on board after the largest mass shooting in the U.S. just happened at a country music concert a few months ago.

Understandably, Huckabee got his anti-gay feelings hurt.

“Someone who has never met me threatens to wreck valuable programs of the CMA Foundation because of a personal contempt for my faith and politics,” Huckabee wrote in his resignation letter, apparently not seeing the irony that his so-called “faith and politics” is in part based on his contempt that is, indeed, very personal for LGBTQ people.

“Until recently, the arts was the one place America could set aside political, geographical, racial, religious, and economic barriers and come together,” Huckabee wrote. “If the arts community becomes part of the polarization instead of bridging communities and people over the power of civil norms as reflected in the arts, then we as a civilization may not be long for this earth.”

I don’t know what Huckabee’s definition of “recently” is, but that nonsense has literally never been true. While the arts can build bridges between people, art is hardly apolitical. Art has always been a means of resistance against oppression and a way to fight the silencing of diverse voices.

As for civilization not being “long for this earth,” wait until he finds out who his daughter works for. Ha ha just kidding. Huckabee loves Trump almost as much as he loves guns.

“The message here is ‘Hate Wins,’” Huckabee wrote in his letter. “Bullies succeeded in making it untenable to have ‘someone like me’ involved.”

So a gay man who refuses to be quiet about about his own dehumanization by a very public political figure is a bully. Got it. What about an entire party that has embraced a racist, sexist and homophobic agenda that values guns and money above human lives? Then again, “bullies” isn’t a strong enough word to describe the Republican Party.

In his letter, Huckabee outlines his long support for music education. And it’s true, he’s done some good in this area. But he’s literally a proud member of a party that’s against public education and thinks higher ed is liberal indoctrination. Trump, the dumbest man on the planet, is their leader.

So please allow me to play the world’s smallest violin to accompany Huckabee’s tears. Actually, to keep with the country music theme here, make that the world’s smallest fiddle.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/03/20/mike-huckabee-got-his-anti-gay-feelings-hurt/