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onthevirgeofdestruction · 4 years ago

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Plea for My New Self

Sanders sides Vampire College AU - it’s gay - it’s full of fun fluffy tropes - a bit o’ hurt/comfort - mostly fluff

Words: 4,613 Warnings: Extreme sass, Arguing, Alcohol, Drinking said Alcohol, Drinking Blood, Kissing Characters: Virgil, Roman, Deceit Ships: Prinxiety, Anxceit, Prinxietceit, Eventual LAMPD/CALMD Universe: Plea for my New Self Rating: T Genre: Spicy Extra Vampire Nonsense

Chapter 29: Violence

Chapter 1 for New Readers - ffn mirror

“Thank you for the lovely idea, Roman dear. This was exactly what I needed,” Deceit cooed and clinked his plastic glass Virgil picked up at the liquor store with Roman’s, who cheered and happily tapped his cup to Deceit’s. They both took a long drink. Deceit held up his cup to Virgil and Virgil rolled his eyes and took a drink as Deceit leaned it back.

“When exactly did I become a chair?” Virgil asked, somewhere between disbelief and annoyance.

“When you dropped your shield. Hush with that tone, love,” Deceit kissed him on the cheek, and Roman giggled, kissing the other side.

“Fine, it’s lovely to have my two handsome boyfriends pinning me to the couch,” Virgil said sarcastically and Deceit put his cup back in Virgil’s face, having him take another drink.

“That’s more like it,” Deceit smirked and played with Virgil’s braid. “Thank you for keeping this, love,” He smiled softly. “So, we’ve drank, now tell me more about this bitch, Anton,” Deceit looked to Roman and prodded him.

“You already know about that bitch Anton,” Virgil chuckled, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

“Hush, that’s not how this works,” Deceit tapped a finger over Virgil’s lips. Virgil huffed dramatically and glowered at him.

“He wears too much black! Virgil looks great in all black, and I think you look quite dashing in it as well, but he’s not a vampire! It’s the vampire look! He’s stealing it! And he can’t even pull it off! And what’s with the dumb goatee? He looks like a freakin’ Disney villain! He looks like he’d cackle on some bank roof somewhere with a sack that has a giant dollar sign on it,” Roman ranted and Deceit smiled, nodding along.

“Dreadful, absolutely horrific,” Deceit said and kissed Roman’s hand that was wrapped around Virgil’s shoulder. “How dare he get the role just because he’s older? Do the people running the show have no sense? You’re clearly the superior actor. And what gentleman doesn’t know how to waltz?” Deceit purred, stroking Roman’s ego.

“Exactly!” Roman shot, pointing at Deceit in agreement and took another drink. He leaned against Virgil and looked up to him affectionately. “Hey. I like your dumb face,” Roman grinned coquettishly.

“Well, your dumb face pisses me off,” Virgil groaned and made a face at them.

“You’re right, he does have a very punchable face. But it’s not charitable to punch someone with no ability to dodge or fight back, even though it’s hard to hurt him,” Deceit kissed Virgil’s temple and kept playing with and tugging at Virgil’s braid with the hand around his back. Roman smirked and flicked Virgil in the nose.

“I regret humoring you with alcohol,” Virgil grunted, leaning back further and resigning himself to the fate of being lovingly harassed by his boyfriends.

“He says he loves you,” Deceit purred, running his hand up through the back of Virgil’s scalp and loosening the braid a bit.

“I know he’s a surly drunk, and I think it’s cute,” Roman chuckled and played with one of Virgil’s hairs that popped loose from Deceit messing with his hair.

“You’re cute,” Virgil hissed an insult back at him. “Wait,” Virgil paused and glowered at Roman when he realized. Oh, son of a bitch.

“Ha! Fooled you!” Roman shot, settling in closer in Virgil’s lap. Damn, he was dumb.

“You walked right into that one, love,” Deceit kissed Virgil again. “You should call them,”

“What?” Virgil grimaced in confusion at Deceit, looking him up and down.

“Not you, beloved. Roman. You should call them, what’s stopping you?” Deceit sipped his drink again, looking pointedly at Roman.

“You’re not seriously-” Virgil was cut off quickly by a dramatic declaration from Roman.

“I’m calling them!” Roman shouted, putting down his drink and wrestling for his phone out of his pants pocket.

“You’re a fucking idiot and you chugged a lot of dumb bitch juice tonight, are you sure you should be calling anybody?” Virgil pushed down Roman’s shoulder so he’d struggle to pull the phone out and flopped his head back.

“I would love to shut you up, darling,” Deceit cooed and stroked his cheek.

“Shut him up!” Roman demanded, standing up off of Virgil’s lap and finally succeeding to fish his phone out of his pocket now that it wasn’t tight against his bent leg.

“Ro, this can’t be a-” Virgil interrupted again, but this time it was by Deceit kissing him, and he forgot whatever it was he was worried about. Virgil wrapped both his arms around Deceit, who shifted to the center of his lap.

“No fucking while I’m on the phone,” Roman said pointedly and put his phone up to his ear. Virgil would have loved to say ‘no promises’, but Deceit’s kiss didn’t relent and he quickly lost interest in sassing Roman.

“Hello, mom? Is dad with you? Yeah, I know it’s late. It’s important. Please get him,” Roman talked on the phone. Wait, what was he doing? Deceit yanked at his braid and intensified the kiss, and Virgil was distracted again.

“You’re a dirty enabler, you know that?” Virgil hissed when he pulled away.

“If I can’t corrupt the youth, then what are we even doing here,” Deceit whispered against his lips.

“I have a few choice ideas,” Virgil muttered back. Roman covered the receiver.

“Hey, I said no fucking while I’m on the phone,” Roman grunted and shot them an angry face.

“So get off the phone,” Virgil laughed airily.

“Am I on speaker now? Cool. Yeah, mom? Dad? I’m like, so gay. So very gay. So very incredibly gay. So very incredibly and fantastically gay. And I thought you should know. And I’m in a play and I’ll see if I can get Virgil to record it and send it to you, since you always came to my plays in high school. Thanks for that, by the way. Also, I’m thinking about changing my major. I’ll let you know what I pick. Have a marvelous night!” Roman hung up on them with a giant grin before they could respond.

“Go Princey!” Virgil cheered.

“Splendid job, darling,” Deceit purred and pulled up Roman’s hand to kiss his knuckles again. “Did you know that something that Patton asked me to pick up the other day in the group chat? I just couldn’t resist getting it,” Deceit said temptingly and shifted back to one side of Virgil’s lap. Oh Hecate, they had a group chat without Virgil. This won’t end well.

“They did?” Roman beamed with delight. “Damnit, we should have brought the good camera!” He snapped his fingers and looked annoyed.

“What are you two demons conspiring about now?” Virgil groaned, rubbing his face in exasperation.

“I bought you a dress for the paso doble. It’s burgundy and silk and I desperately want you to put it on, let your hair down, and dance with me,” Deceit held his drink back up to Virgil’s lip and Virgil took a long drink.

“Fine, you harpies will never let me live it down, will you?” Virgil whined bitterly and flipped his hand aggressively at them.

“Virgil has a DSLR in his room that I think will record if we hook it up to my laptop,” Deceit suggested in lieu of Roman’s 4K camera.

“You can’t be serious,” Virgil furrowed his eyebrows and looked to Deceit in concern.

“What? Patton wanted to see. Who am I to deny them the pleasure of you in a long flowy gown?” Deceit said airily, looking away.

“What is it with dressing me in flowy clothes tonight?” Virgil rolled his eyes, putting Deceit down on the couch to get up.

“It’s the vampire aesthetic, Virge. Read a harlequin novel,” Roman huffed, taking a sip of his drink quickly before heading into Virgil’s Room with him.

“You dressed me up like lonely housewife smut?” Virgil asked incredulously, pulling the DSLR out of one of his boxes of storage for Roman.

“Thank you!” Roman chimed and happily took the camera, turning it on and checking the modes right away. “It does record! Go put on the pretty dress,” Roman demanded brightly while he clicked around on the camera.

“Don’t think I won’t find some way to pay you back for this,” Virgil muttered and put a hand on Roman’s shoulder as he passed.

“Oh no, asking you to dance with your boyfriend so we can record it and make your other boyfriends and Pat happy. Truly something only a scoundrel would do,” Roman said sardonically and headed back into the living room with a huff.

“And they’re not going to question-” Virgil tried to dissent with the fact that they were here because Roman wanted to get drunk.

“Bup-bup-bup!” Roman interjected. “Less talky, more walky,” Roman said, making a walking figure with his fingers. Virgil hissed and glowered at him.

“It’s in my suit closet, love. I’ll help you zip in,” Deceit said. Virgil huffed and followed Deceit into the main bedroom.

“You two are incorrigible together,” Virgil pouted and crossed his arms.

“You love us,” Deceit smirked, pulling down the bag with the dress and unzipping it. It really was a beautiful dress. The quality of the fabric was impressive. “Come on, get in the dress and become my cape, darling,” Deceit pulled the gown out of the bag and draped it over his arm.

“You wanted this from the start, didn’t you?” Virgil squinted his eyes suspiciously at Deceit before throwing off his shirt and kicking out of his shoes and pants.

“I told you I was feeling nostalgic,” Deceit said plaintively, checking his nails. The dirty schemer. He passed over the gown and Virgil slipped in, and Deceit zipped him up as soon as it was in place.

“Where in the world did you even get a custom silk gown?” Virgil asked, noting how well it fit.

“I have my connections. Some of my suits are custom and my tailor was willing,” Deceit smirked and pulled off the hair tie, slipping a finger into the braid and pulling it apart effortlessly. “The waves from the braid will look particularly fetching with this dress,”

“And they didn’t question the completely different measurements from your own?” Virgil shot Deceit a look.

“Money talks, love. And If I send her a picture of how it fits, she’d likely agree to more. Lovely lady, honestly. Just the biggest bitch I’ve ever met. I couldn’t ask for a better tailor. She never compromises,” Deceit kissed Virgil’s neck as he lazily undid the braid.

“Are you two done yet? I need Deceit to log in to his dumb laptop!” Roman called. Deceit nibbled Virgil’s neck lightly and yanked the last of the braid out quickly.

“I’d love it if you put on sparkly glamor to go with the look, dear,” Deceit motioned to the mirror and spun as he left the walk-in closet with a brief wave. Virgil sighed, realizing he wasn’t drunk enough for this. “Yes, I’ll pour you another drink,” Deceit commented after a pause. Virgil switched his makeup to a dramatic cat eye and a bright red shiny lip for Deceit. He may as well look good. He stepped out into the living room and Deceit pushed a plastic highball of whiskey into Virgil’s hands as soon as he crossed the threshold. Virgil threw it back and smirked at Deceit. He was excited to dance with him again, even if snark kept coming out of his mouth. He was glad Deceit knew that, too.

“Wow, Virge… holy shit,” Roman said reverently, looking stunned as soon as he looked up from the laptop.

“Go kiss your boyfriend,” Deceit shoved him forward, looking very smug. “I told you a bright lip would look good. I need to put on the matching vest,” Deceit turned back into the bedroom. Matching vest? Virgil nearly turned around to see, but Roman’s face was too precious and he stepped forward to him and Roman went in for the kiss quickly. Virgil picked Roman up and spun him around once while they kissed.

Deceit returned a few minutes later, much longer than he certainly needed, and posed with his hands while clicking his heel. Virgil pulled away from Roman and turned to look. Deceit absolutely did order a matching suit to the dress. He really was the most extra being in existence. If it was possible to love him more, Virgil would.

“Let’s move the couch. Do adjust the exposure on the camera, darling, it’s not the best lit in here,” Deceit requested and picked up the coffee table to move out against the wall. Virgil picked up the couch and moved it into the front hall. “Is the camera ready to go, Roman?”

“Camera is ready and I await with bated breath!” Roman held his thumb up, sitting behind the laptop. Deceit and Virgil met in the center of the living room and Deceit shot Virgil a quick kiss before stepping back. “A little to the left. More towards me. There’s the center,” Roman said, leaning forward on his fists to watch.

“I hate you both,” Virgil sang sourly, turning around and grabbing the sides of the skirt. Deceit turned around with a click of his heel.

“I know darling, you’re just fabulous at expressing your ire,” Deceit cooed. “Take hold of the camera, Roman, because I will be tossing Virgil in the air and Pat won’t want to miss it,” Deceit said plaintively. A song clicked on after a moment, and they backed into each other and spun back to back while Virgil held out his skirt dramatically. Then they pivoted into each other and started dancing.

Deceit picked a very fast-paced song as usual, and they were shifting across the living room quickly to the beat, Virgil dancing on his toes and taking every chance to flip about his dress. The music intensified and Deceit flung Virgil about gracefully, flipping him in the air to a cymbal crash. Virgil kept his intense expression as he landed and swung Deceit back, then shot his leg between Deceit’s and danced against him before Deceit spun Virgil out and the dress fluttered wildly. He had a blast dancing with Deceit, and Roman’s wildly positive and excited moods just made it all the better. Virgil was mostly focused on dancing, but he caught Roman trying to keep up with the motion and follow them with the camera, arching the lens up when Virgil was flipped over Deceit’s shoulder and Virgil splayed his legs.

Virgil and his dress was out in a large arch and Deceit lifted him off the ground as the song swelled into the finale, and Virgil had to fight to keep his face serious and impassive as Roman fought back a cheer with an odd expression. Deceit flipped Virgil over his back one more time before they landed into a pose, Virgil grasping his skirts and spreading them in a bow, and Deceit poising with his arms in the air. Roman cheered so loud he had to slam his hand over his own mouth.

“Don’t get the cops called on us, love,” Deceit laughed and walked over to Roman. “Thank me later, Patton,” Deceit smirked into the camera before pressing a button on the laptop, probably ending the recording.

“I want photos of you two dancing on the ceiling,” Roman whined, pushing out his bottom lip and pouting at Deceit.

“I’m not getting scuff marks on my ceiling for you,” Deceit rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

“Virgil’s dancing barefoot,” Roman huffed, motioning with his arm to Virgil.

“Clicking the heels is part of the style, love, and I don’t do things halfway,” Deceit said, clacking his dress shoe heel for emphasis.

“Then waltz! I would just fall to the floor, I can’t do it with him,” Roman pouted. “Please?” Roman drew it out with a rising inflection, worrying his bottom lip. “It barely affected you when Virgil flipped up with you last time, I saw!” Roman said pointedly, begging Deceit. Virgil wasn’t surprised Roman wasn’t pleading with him as well. Roman probably knew Virgil would give in. That theory about baby steps of escalation to get Virgil to give in was probably right. He may as well get this over with.

“He did a great job as a cameraman and you know he’ll get what he wants eventually,” Virgil chuckled breezily, walking up to Deceit and kissing his head.

“Because you’re so wonderful at resisting his charms,” Deceit rolled his eyes. “I can’t lead up there,” Deceit grumped and oh Hecate, he’s so cute with that pouty face. Virgil couldn’t resist kissing him again.

“It’s just the once, love,” Virgil smiled and held out his hand.

“Your dress will be in our faces in a hot second,” Deceit protested again, pulling at Virgil’s skirt which fluttered back down.

“I’ll extend it to a hot few seconds. Record it with a high frame rate so we can slow it down, Roman,” Virgil said, flipping his fingers towards him.

“You are a massive pushover,” Deceit glowered at Virgil, but softly smiled back after a moment of exasperation. Virgil and took his hand despite his multiple objections.

“Whenever you’re ready, Ro,” Virgil smirked and leaned down for a kiss. Roman trained the camera on the ceiling right above them.

“Ready!” Roman clicked the button and Virgil flipped to the ceiling, focusing hard on keeping his skirt up and twisting around in 5 seconds of waltz before they inevitably began to drop in his face, and Virgil flipped to the floor before he completely skirted himself on camera.

“Do you have telepathy or something? How did you do that?” Roman asked quickly as Virgil leaned in to kiss Deceit again on the ground.

“It’s arguably better, but less functional,” Deceit shrugged. “Come on, Roman. Let’s head to sit down in the bedroom. I think we can get another thing you want, if you’d like to join me,” Deceit said, pulling Virgil into the bedroom with him. Virgil groaned loudly in disapproval. Deceit shoved Virgil down to sit on the bed and took his place back in his lap like on the couch in the living room.

“Oh, let’s,” Roman smirked and sat back into Virgil’s lap as well.

“Do it,” Deceit hissed. “You know you’re just being stubborn,”

“Do it,” Roman echoed into his other ear.

“How in the actual fuck did I get two shoulder devils? You guys will be the end of me,” Virgil moaned, feeling in peril from these bastards.

“Come on, Virgil, you know you want to,” Roman smirked and held his wrist up to Virgil’s face.

“Oh, it’s more fun from the neck,” Deceit purred, pushing Roman’s arm down and pulling back Roman’s shirt.

“I can’t believe you two!” Virgil hissed angrily and tried to get up, but Deceit pushed back down on him, hard.

“You won’t care for long. AB-negative and whiskey? It’ll be amazing,” Deceit tempted him further, and Virgil froze. Damn it, he was right. “I know I am. If you won’t do it, I will. I have absolutely no qualms about drinking from Roman. He does smell delightful,” Deceit whispered. Hallowed fucking Hecate, somebody save him. Deceit just raised his eyebrow and kept his impish grin.

“I’ll need a huge breakfast, but I don’t mind if you want to try it,” Roman shrugged, unbuttoning the top buttons of his dress shirt.

“I will get you so many pancakes you’ll hate yourself,” Deceit smiled widely, flashing his fangs.

“This is happening whether or not I want it to, isn’t it?” Virgil sighed.

“Most definitely, quit being such a bitch and bite me. I want a gift, too,” Roman said proudly.

“Being drunk isn’t consent,” Virgil hissed.

“He wanted to before he was drunk, don’t be so stubborn,” Deceit kissed his ear and ran his hand through Virgil’s hair.

“Oh, just go for it D. He’ll give in if you do,” Roman shifted more of his neck to be available from his dress shirt and angled his head towards Virgil.

“Hey!” Virgil shot and tried to separate them, because Roman was so desperately and extremely right. Deceit ducked around his arm and bit Roman right in front of his face before he could stop them. Virgil winced and closed his eyes, but he could smell the blood and he already knew Roman had won. Deceit ran his nails across Virgil’s head and drank appreciatively, looking significantly drunker when he pulled back.

“Holy shit,” Roman muttered, looking dazed.

“Whoo!” Deceit shook his head. “That is potent,” Deceit pulled back and smirked, shifting out of Virgil’s lap, and wrapping Virgil’s arm around Roman, moving behind Virgil and laying his head on Virgil’s shoulder. “Go ahead, love,” He whispered softly, pushing Virgil’s head down lazily.

“Go on, Virge, D knows when to stop,” Roman goaded him forward again.

“Did you plan all this to get me to give in?” Virgil groaned, leaning in. Why all the schemes tonight, honestly?

“You would have given in eventually, you admitted it yourself. You just needed a little push,” Roman smiled and Virgil bit him. Roman let out a soft gasp and held on to Virgil tighter. It was extremely potent. It punched Virgil in the face with the first sip. It tasted so good it was unfair to his next twenty meals.

“You’re probably right about that,” Deceit smiled against his neck and kissed it. “Stop, darling,” Deceit whispered sweetly after a moment. Virgil stopped drinking and let a little more venom flow before pulling back.

“Hecate, I think I remember some Spanish,” Virgil shook his head in surprise after closing the puncture marks.

“Mm, I should have drunk after you. I’m slowly forgetting Danish,” Deceit cooed.

“I’m not a language remembering machine,” Roman rolled his eyes and lolled slightly against Virgil.

“Lay back, love,” Deceit cooed to Roman.

“’Kay,” Roman rolled off of Virgil’s lap and on to the bed.

“Go get him his food from the fridge. You’ll have to put it in a mug to nuke it. I still don’t have plates,” Deceit smiled against Virgil’s neck and planted another kiss there before pushing Virgil off the bed. Virgil shook his head and blinked again, heading to the kitchen to go throw Roman’s noodles in a mug to heat them up for him.

“Bring me water, too,” Roman grumbled and shifted into Deceit who laid back after Virgil got up.

When Virgil got back with a mug of hot penne and a mug of cold water, he rolled his eyes and leaned against the doorway. He was so done and too drunk for this. Roman and Deceit were kissing gently as they laid back on the bed.

“If you two hate each other again tomorrow, I’m not helping pick up the bloody aftermath,” Virgil groaned and shook his head slowly and bitterly.

“You think I’d kiss someone who didn’t like me back? You wound me. Roman would have kissed me sober, if I would have stopped snarking at him long enough to let him,” Deceit said, after pulling away stroking Roman’s face.

“Pat’s gonna be so jealous,” Roman chuckled, looking absolutely dazed and nearly glowing with joy.

“Virgil’s still extremely oblivious, don’t bother,” Deceit rolled his eyes. Virgil sat on the bed and held out the mugs for when Roman was ready to take them. Deceit helped Roman sit up and Roman reached for the mug of water first.

“Does Pat like D or something?” Virgil asked. Roman spit out his water laughing, and Deceit cackled wildly.

“That’s an understatement, love. You should hear the ideas they have,” Deceit cooed, wrapping his arms around Virgil’s neck and kissing him softly. “They’re just very shy as far as I can tell. I haven’t spent enough time with them to know how I feel, but I can’t say I’m not tempted by some of the scenarios,” Deceit pressed another few kisses into Virgil’s neck.

“Well, are you seeing D now?” Virgil asked, passing Roman the mug of penne.

“Were we not already seeing each other?” Roman laughed. Virgil shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Quit being a bastard and enjoy being drunk on Roman. Come cuddle me,” Deceit held his arms open and Virgil huffed and laid back into Deceit’s arms. Deceit laid down on the bed and enveloped him tightly, pressing kisses into his hair. Roman leaned against him while he ate his noodles, looking a little disheveled and extremely satisfied with himself. He was definitely blissed-out, missing every third giant bite of food.

“You got everything you wanted, didn’t you, you sneaky mother fucker,” Virgil looked up to Roman while Deceit affectionately nibbled his ear.

“Almost,” Roman smiled lackadaisically and tilted a bit. “I’m still owed enough pancakes that I hate myself,” Roman said offhandedly.

“And it will all be yours, my shimmering star,” Virgil hummed in satisfaction and rolled to kiss Deceit back.

“You know… Roman’s not on the phone anymore,” Deceit whispered softly after a few kisses.

“You two need a cold shower,” Roman chuckled, finishing his penne and laying back with them.

“We’re already cold, what would that accomplish?” Virgil looked at Roman with amusement.

“I wouldn’t mind taking a shower with you, Virgil,” Deceit raised his eyebrow salaciously.

“That’s it, I’m laying between you two,” Roman laughed and rolled over Virgil, sliding in between them. Virgil and Deceit smiled to each other and hugged Roman, planting kisses on either side of his cheeks.

“You think that’s going to stop us, Princey?” Virgil whispered into Roman’s ear and Roman shivered slightly.

“Be nice,” Roman huffed.

“We can be very nice, thank you very much,” Deceit smirked. “How nice would you like us to be?” Deceit slid a hand in Roman’s unbuttoned shirt.

“He really is an affectionate drunk,” Roman muttered, leaning in for the kiss Deceit offered.

“And I’m a bastard, what’s new?” Virgil chuckled. “It’s just kissing,” Virgil shrugged.

“It is? Skip your classes tomorrow, Virgil,” Deceit pouted, looking over Roman to Virgil like a sad puppy.

“I’m not sending Ro alone, that’s so rude. He’s drunk and blissed out, it’s not safe,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“So is not spending more time with me,” Deceit pulled Roman closer, tugging Virgil with him.

“That is a conundrum,” Virgil mused, tapping on Roman while he thought. “Don’t you have clients tomorrow?”

“Fuck them,” Deceit reached over for Virgil’s hand and caressed it with his thumb.

“Gentleman, we’re all drunk, let’s not make plans for the next day,” Roman rolled his eyes, but he looked extremely pleased. Virgil could relate.

“It’s not that far until the next day, technically,” Virgil mused, glancing at the clock on the wall.

“Shit, then we need to get me to a waffle house, stat,” Roman said resolutely.

“I suppose I will need a serious amount of black coffee to get you home soon,” Virgil mused, nestling slightly into Roman’s neck.

“That’s not getting me to waffle house, Virgil,” Roman laughed. Deceit nestled into his neck, too.

“Shh, you smell good,” Virgil muttered.

“You’ll wrinkle that silk gown if you lay on it too long,” Roman said off-handedly and smirked at Virgil.

“Shit!” Virgil shot up and retreated to the walk-in closet right away.

“You really are a crafty one,” Deceit cooed, and it sounded like they were kissing again while Virgil carefully hung the dress back up in its protective bag.

“That vest is silk, too, D,” Virgil reminded him as he slid his earlier clothes back on.

“Shh,” Deceit hissed and Roman giggled gaily from the bedroom.

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simfur · 7 years ago

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20 Autobot Leaders Rated by How Much I Want to Punch Them

Starting with the big guy, the granddaddy of them all, G1 Optimus Prime. He’s like a father to me. I can’t in good conscience punch him, even if he sometimes deserves it for bad puns. 1/10 punchability I just can’t do it

Rodimus Prime ranks high in the punchability for some because when Optimus died in the original movie, it traumatized kids so much that all their negative feelings got channeled into unbridled rage towards the guy who replaced him. However, I hate those guys because they became insufferable as adults, so that really just lowers Roddy’s punchability for me personally. 4/10 punchability he still kind of deserves it though

Grimlock led the Autobots for a length of time I can’t remember after Optimus died in the Marvel comics. His was a reign of terror. I can’t decide if his jughead crown is kickin or if i want to kick it off him. 7/10 punchability he gets some lenience for his childlike innocence

Another Marvel comics leader was Fortress Maximus, who was also Cerebros. He was also the leader in the Headmasters anime after Rodimus flew off into space forever but I don’t think he actually had a personality in that. He’s a matryoshka of Autobot leaders with each getting smaller and more punchable than the last, ending in Moody College Student Spike Witwicky, who is thankfully the first one on this list who I don’t have to climb something to punch in the face. 9/10 punchability I’m a very short person so I might have to climb something anyways but that isn’t going to stop me

Last Marvel comics character, I swear. Captain Picard Hi-Q binary bonded with Optimus for a while, then Optimus died (this was about the third time), and Hi-Q eventually turned into Optimus so we just considered Optimus alive again. Don’t think too hard about it. 3/10 punchability I really like Star Trek TNG so I probably wouldn’t punch him

Ginrai’s robot self looks exactly like Optimus Prime, but he isn’t. Why he looks like him is sort of hand-waved away in the anime. The real-life reason, of course, is because he was just the Japanese release of Powermaster Optimus Prime. Ginrai is really good because he talks like an American teenager even when his robot form separated from his human self to become the Autobot commander at the end of Super-God Masterforce. 0/10 punchability I just can’t really punch a guy wearing converse, skinny jeans, and suspenders

Star Saber makes me forget that the Autobots were ever good guys. I don’t think he even has a personality outside of “noble and heroic leader.” He adopted a human son and tried to send him to a Catholic school but he doesn’t even buy him a uniform. The kid barely even goes to school in the end. 9/10 punchability don’t adopt a human if you’re not prepared to care for him

Optimus Primal is a good Autobot leader because he never even set out to be anything more than a captain on one ship but ended up sacrificing himself to bring life back to the planet, probably sparking a religious following. He won the “Power of the Primes” vote so he’s got to have a pretty low punchability, but he also looks like his malleble gorilla face would feel nice on my powerful fist. 5/10 punchability when POTP stuff starts coming will his name change to “optimus primal prime”?

Lio Convoy being a cat makes me not want to punch him so much. However, he isn’t a good father. Don’t worry about the kid not really being his son in any sense of the term. Why is ineptitude at fatherhood a recurring theme for Autobot leaders? 8/10 punchability Lio Junior deserved better

I’ll admit that Beast Wars Neo is the only thing on this list that I haven’t seen or read any of, so Big Convoy is mostly here for completion’s sake. Hence I’m rating him entirely on his appearance. Mostly I wouldn’t want to punch a mammoth, because they’re extinct, but I think he could take it. It would be a good workout for both of us. 10/10 punchability no hard feelings, we’re just two dudes lovingly punching each other

In Japan, he’s known as Fire Convoy, continuing their tradition of Autobot leader names, but in the west he’s the first-ever reboot of Optimus Prime. I don’t have a lot of opinions on him as a person or leader, but his existence opened the floodgates of Optimus Primes to come, which I have mixed feelings on. 5/10 punchability I can’t think of a reason to punch him, but I also can’t think of a reason not to

Armada Optimus Prime suffers from being Armada Optimus Prime. I think this was when they really managed to distill “Optimus Prime” down into its truest form. No longer was Optimus Prime a character, but a concept that extended beyond fiction and into our world. Optimus Prime means something. Optimus Prime is a figure for justice, honor, and liberty. 8/10 punchability I still can’t forget Energon though

Do I have to say anything. I’m not even somebody who vehemently dislikes Hot Shot, but for the love of god, why did he ever get to be a leader. 6/10 punchability I’d punch him but I wouldn’t put a lot of force into it, he’s not even worth it

Movie Optimus Prime is. uh. something else, all right. I can admire the movie taking the idea of Optimus Prime and going “okay, but what if he was also a murderbeast?” because I think that’s something we all really wanted to see play out. In practice it kind of scares me. 2/10 punchability I’m worried if I went for his face I’d no longer have mine

Animated Optimus Prime is a good boy. A baby boy. He’s trying his best in a world that seems against him. We all love him. 0/10 punchability I simply can’t bring myself to mar those luscious lips

I’m sure Animated Ultra Magnus did some great things during the war, but, yunno, seeing how Cybertron under him during peacetime is sort of a Stratocracy, I question his fitness to be the leader of a planet. They really gonna let the government run experiments on civilians? Okay. Alright. 4/10 I don’t want to punch him per se but I do sort of want to lead an armed rebellion against him

Hhh. HHHH. HOOGH. HHHAAAHH. HEH. HHhhhHHH. Just seeing Sentinel Prime’s face fills me with anger. If let loose, this rage could level mountains, sink continents, and incinerate entire solar systems. If there is any good in the cosmos, Sentinel Prime will not go unpunched. His face will be shattered into pieces with the sheer power of my unbridled fury. 10,000/10 punchability I have already punched him, spiritually, and I will do it again

I mean, alright. Prime Optimus Prime is kind of the distilled essence of Optimus Prime. If you took all the other Optimus Primes, and took all the things they had in common, and then took out a little bit of the anger because let’s be real here all the other Optimus Primes are quite a bit angrier than this one, you’d get Aligned Optimus Prime. Which is kind of how the Aligned continuity as a whole works. So, yeah, That Sure Is Optimus Prime. 3/10 punchability his soft-spoken words of wisdom would calm me down before I ever even raised my fist

Heatwave is the quintessential non-Optimus Autobot leader. He’s noble and courageous with a good sense of justice, but he was thrust into leadership without being the best and it and is a bit of a hothead. You can use that exact sentence to describe so many of the bots on this list. 4/10 punchability I don’t want to use violent methods when it comes to Rescue Bots but sometimes Heatwave’s personality warrants it

I honestly can’t believe it took 30 years for a Bumblebee to be leader for reals. It happened so gradually that nobody was surprised when it happened, and yet it also feels like nobody can really accept it. I know I can’t. He doesn’t even look like any Bumblebee. Is this how longtime G1 fans felt when the Unicron trilogy started reusing names for different-but-not-wholly-different characters to keep the trademarks? 8/10 punchability we know you stole your schtick from Hot Rod via Hot Shot so stop trying to act like you’re so special

#maccadam #optimus prime #bumblebee #transformers #grimlock #fortress maximus #rodimus prime #ginrai #hot shot #lio convoy #big convoy #fire convoy #heatwave #optimus primal #star saber #sentinel prime #hi-q #spike witwicky #nicheliscript

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the-chaotic-neutral · 6 years ago

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I’m so unprepared this year! Due to a lot going on in life, I didn’t have time to watch either of the semi-finals or even pregame with the official music videos! So that means I’m going into the finals 100% cold. I feel both unprepared and excited. I haven’t gone into finals without research and preconceived judgement before. I have no idea what each country’s songs will be like or what style their stage shows may take.

So here’s to art, entertainment, and surprises! 🥂

Opening performance by TK. Last year’s winner, Salvador Sobral, championed authenticity (sometimes to the ire of other contestants and fans) and it feels like

I’m watching the US broadcast this year, which is presented by Logo and hosted by Ross Mathews and Shangela. Since Eurovision is still relatively new to the USA, and very new to Shangela, this broadcast is a perfect entry for American viewers. Ross explains the basics along with the idea of the Big 5[foot]The Big 5 are the countries that have contributed the most amount of money to Eurovision which guarantees them a spot in the finals without competing in either night of semi-finals. They are [/foot]. It’s also available as a live stream on Logo’s Youtube channel regardless of your TV package, so it’s accessible to literally anyone to watch.

01. Ukraine – Mélovin “Under the Ladder” A vampire rises. The song isn’t great, and the performance suddenly loses some of its exoticism when it becomes apparent that he’s singing in muddled English and not Ukrainian. It gains some back when his entire set catches on fire (on purpose).

02. Spain – Amaia & Alfred “Tu canción”

Super cute! Simple staging and great chemistry between these two makes this performance so damn endearing! But they’re really early and not much of a spectacle, so I worry they’ll get buried by later performances.

03. Slovenia – Lea Sirk “Hvala, ne!” She’s trying to throw down tough and maybe come off like Pink, but that’s hard when she’s got a huge, goofy grin on the whole time.

04. Lithuania – Ieva Zasimauskaitė “When We’re Old” A slow, sweet ballad with holograms. Holograms can be a real risk in a show. It can be a neat effect, like when Australia used it for a Minority Report computer interface, and it can be the show-stealer, like when it’s a nude clone with wolves. This came of as middling, especially because she seemed to reign in her own vocals. It felt more like a verse of a song rather than a full performance.

05. Austria – Cesár Sampson “Nobody but You” Great job utilizing the stage and lighting as a single performer, but this song is not up for the job.

06. Estonia – Elina Nechayeva “La forza” Estonia has a history of visually impressive performances, and this is not a disappointment. With this, the world comes one step closer to the Diva from The Fifth Element. Her voice is great and her dress is all projection mapping! This is how you make a strong impression while pushing the vocals to the forefront.

07. Norway – Alexander Rybak “That’s How You Write a Song” Shoobidoo dap dap, shoobay doop hay, that’s how you write a song.

No it’s not. This an adorable performance with incredibly inaccurate instructions on song writing. Major props on playing the violin, and the whole thing is really endearing, but I think it’s too breezy to stick in this competition.

08. Portugal – Cláudia Pascoal[h] “O jardim” This is the home team, the current champions, so they have a lot to live up to. I don’t know if it’s authentic enough for Sobral but I’m loving it.

Anyone else get a total Lola vibe (from Degrassi) from her? These are not the same person.

09. United Kingdom – SuRie “Storm” I’m getting Annie Lennox redux. Her song is not the Tim Minchin song, disappointingly, but this is one of the best UK contestants in years. Many of the Big 5 countries, which can go straight to the finals, seem to phone it in or at least submit very generic pop. This is the first time I can remember actually enjoying the UK contestant.

10. Serbia – Sanja Ilić & Balkanika “Nova deca” (Нова деца) Amazons and the grim specter of death! And discotheque! Unfortunately the visuals are the best part of this group. Their song is meh and I don’t think I’ll even be able to remember what they sounded like the next morning.

11. Germany – Michael Schulte “You Let Me Walk Alone” Really touching, personal ballad. The stylized screen show behind him came off as far more effective than the holograms. I was really surprised at how honestly the whole thing came off touching. The song and accompanying performance are all about Schulte losing his father, and that personal connection does a lot to elevate this from just another pop ballad to a standout act. Also Schulte looks like Philippe and I had a son together, so I am very proud of my boy.

12. Albania – Eugent Bushpepa “Mall” This is clearly a grunge or metal band performing their first ballad before they go soft. Okay song, but could have been more specific to Albania or the band performing it or, well, more memorable in any way. And the disconnect between the look and the sound is jarring, disappointing, and lackluster.

13. France – Madame Monsieur “Mercy” Velcome to Sprokets. Just a reminder that this isn’t Germany’s submission. Okay, enough about their look. There’s a fundamental problem with this song here, though the song itself is good. It’s a really good song about real life baby born on a ship of refugees fleeing to Europe. This song would have been great on an album, but in a music and performance competition the nuances get smoothed out and the striking visuals take, no pun intended, center stage. I’ll probably come back to them as a band, but think that they’ll be lost when the voting starts.

14. Czech Republic – Mikolas Josef “Lie to Me” The year is 1994. The soundtrack is The Mask. The costume is Minkus from Boy Meets World. The inspiration is Fresh Prince of Bel Air. The performer was having fun, so I guess that’s nice. And that’s really all I can say about it.

15. Denmark – Rasmussen “Higher Ground” Do you like vikings? Do you like Silent Bob? Do you like when people take a theme (in this case, All Aboard) 100% literally? Well, have I got the group for you!

16. Australia – Jessica Mauboy “We Got Love” And the Bland Award goes to… The only words I can think of to describe this is “Europop” and “gyrations”. There’s nothing more to say.

17. Finland – Saara Aalto “Monsters” The remix of this song could be a club hit, but not this version. As it is now, there’s not enough bass or and energy for a club and not enough complexity for a pop hit.

18. Bulgaria – Equinox “Bones” I can’t be the only one that sees this guy and thinks black Jack Black.

The song itself was not all that great, but as a group their voices sounded great together. Similar to France, I’m not a fan of this one but I am intrigued enough to keep an ear out for the rest of their singles.

19. Moldova – DoReDoS “My Lucky Day” They’re introduced as a folk-pop group but… well, that must mean something else in Moldova. They have the presentation of a Laugh-In skit and the emotional range of a Bar Mitzvah DJ team. Hard pass.

20. Sweden – Benjamin Ingrosso “Dance You Off”

SCENE I. A desert place

Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches

First witch

Performance of Bieber

Second witch

Face of Ephron

Third witch

Song of Timberlake

I’m assuming that’s how this performer was summoned. An amalgam of safe bets, it’s no surprise that the song is generic yet appealing. Coupled with a great use of stage lighting, I don’t really like this one but I’m betting it’ll be a contender.

21. Hungary – AWS “Viszlát nyár” Yet another country who’s music submission seems to be off by a decade or so. The look screams Fall Out Boy but the music is more of a mid to late 90s pop metal. Whatever their inspiration, I spent way too much time trying to remember what forgettable bands they reminded me of and had no time to actually pay attention to them.

22. Israel – Netta “Toy” Yasss! Netta! And then… Okay, so I am very much not crazy about the Asian appropriation, but I’m here for everything else. The whole kimono and maneki-neko motif is just not sitting right. Please, you can do but. But her amazing sneer, the bizarre incorporation of the chicken dance, and the dance-able Tel Aviv music is killing it! Also, it’s great to see my homeland with something that’s not some punchable dude-bros on a beach.

23. Netherlands – Waylon “Outlaw in ‘Em” When you think of the Netherlands, what comes to mind? High taxes? State supplied health care and other services? How about Ted Nugent tributes and awkward krumping? Well, it will from now on.

24. Ireland – Ryan O’Shaughnessy “Together” This is the reason that China lost the finale broadcast rights. The musicians are recreating the Broadway show Once while a So You Think You Can Dance routine plays out with two dancers. Honestly, I kind of loved this. It was intimate and sincere and lovingly executed. One of my favorites of the night.

25. Cyprus – Eleni Foureira “Fuego” Oh no! Cyprus has read from the Necronomicon and opened up a rift in time! Ash Williams, come save us! This is Cyprus expect a danceable track. Because that’s what you’ll get. Also, every year there seems to be a Beyonce impersonator. Just saying.

26. Italy – Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro “Non mi avete fatto niente” I immediately see this one as a real contender. Not because I love the song (I don’t) but because it’s engineered with brutal efficiency. It perfectly balances poignant lyrics, earnest performance, and a solid song. The lyrics come up on the video screen with stylized fonts, rolling through various languages in a brutal and brilliant method of bringing in the world audience. You could maybe find a performance that is better in each category, but none so perfectly balanced across the board as Italy’s.

And now we wait for the votes to come in and be tallied. There’s always a lot of confusion about how they work so I’ll break it down to the best of my knowledge for y’all.

The jury votes. Each competing country has their own jury of voters that rank a top ten list. Then points are portioned out to their picks, with a top 11th award getting 12 points.

Public votes. These are given out based on the call-in voting from across Europe. This are announced second as they completely reorder the competitors.

If that sounds convoluted, it is. And purposefully so. The system was designed to draw out the suspense of the announcement as long as possible. So really the jury votes set up a baseline that can be completely overturned.

And impressions of this year? Well, I’m happy that the “white dress and a ballad” phase seems to be over. No clear style came out as a successor so maybe next year we’ll see a clear group-think strategy emerge.

My top picks, in no particular order, are:

Estonia

Portugal

Germany

Israel

Ireland

And I want to draw attention to a few more musical performers from Portugal, that weren’t in the competition but performed in the opening and closing segments. Mariza, Sara Tavares, and Mayra Andrade all caught my attention. So if you’re actually looking for new music in the midst of this spectacle, those are a few people I’d like to draw your attention to.

After an insane amount of re-ordering, and a long stretch when it looked like bland-as-bland-can-be Austria might win, Israel won! I am so happy, as that was personal pick. I figured Italy would take a high place in the public vote, and they did with 3rd place.

However, I think I would have preferred that Germany (my precious boy) would have won, as I do worry about Israel hosting Eurovision and all of the possible repercussions. Between the security issues of the people to go, and the political statements of the people who won’t, it’s going to be interesting. So now we can all revel in the greatness of Toy (if not the Orientalism of the performance) for a year. In the meantime, I’ll start a betting pool for how many countries will pull out of Eurovision between now and then.

NEXT TIME IN JERUSALEM! !השלב הבא בירושלים

I watch Eurovision because I know you didn't! I was totally unprepared this year. Still had a great time, though. Eurovision 2018: Finals I'm so unprepared this year! Due to a lot going on in life, I didn't have time to watch either of the semi-finals or even pregame with the official music videos!

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