#but he does get that vincent is scary as hell and will not cross him if possible

[getvalentined]

Oh it's nothing super interesting, except that my Kunsel got into the habit of wearing the helmet all the time because he had a weird reaction to his first round of mako enhancements, leading all his senses to get cranked up to eleven. Everything was really loud and bright for a long time and the helmet made a big difference in mitigating that while he got used to it. It never went away, but he manages it better as he gets older—this is how he always seems to know what's going on; he can hear straight through a lot of the walls at Shinra HQ and can read someone's lips from a quarter mile away. (He's also an S-type SOLDIER, which is implied by the fact that he's still on active duty in Remake, so he doesn't degrade.)

He's just over a year younger than Zack (pretty much nobody knows this), was born and raised in the area around Healen, and used to work the neighboring farms to help his mom (a nurse) pay the bills. He enlisted at fourteen to help put his older sister through medical school, and when he gets promoted to First in early 2003, he takes advantage of the rank's nonstandard weaponry privileges by opting for a scythe. He worked in barley fields since he was super young, so he's really good with it!

Also he's a ginger.

@getvalentined

very specific kunsel headcanons you say? 👀

[messenger-of-stupidity]

Oh what's this? Another post about the shaw pack? 

Redacted Masterlist

Here's my own little take on if the Shaw pack were YouTubers. Starting off strong with the alpha himself...-

David - I'm not sure why but he seems kind of like a "How to" youtuber. If someone needs or wants to do something, he's the channel to go to because God damn he's going to do it right and so should you. Does Angel bomb or feature in his videos, usually as an example of what not to do? Absolutely.

"And that's how you fucking do it. Thanks for... Angel what the hell is that?"

"A... pineapple?"

"Angel the point of this video was how to change a tire, how do you have a pineapple?"

Speaking of Angel-

------

Angel- minecraft channel 100%. They also do an 2 ongoing minecraft series. One is just them playing and another one is them trying to convince David to play. Most of their channel is mostly variety if they're being honest since their interest and focus jumps from one thing to another, But they always make a comeback to Minecraft. Sometimes Animal Crossing too. They have a love-hate relationship with Tom nook.

"Listen here you little gerbilfucker, I know your being cheap with those bells. I worked hard to catch this spider and you're going to give me what I'm owed."

"[Animal crossing speak]"

"*gasp* Tom! What would the twins think?"

------

Asher - Are you kidding me? Gaming Channel obviously. Does this even require explanation? As long as it can be competitive, there's going to be videos of it. He tries to get Baabe to join in, but they tend to play for a bit before just attempting to sabotage it. They find it funny.

"Oh come on Baabe! You practically handed the other team that kill. We coulda won."

"Yeah but there's no fun in playing the game."

"Thats like... the entire point though."

-------

Baabe - arts and crafts Channel. Fuck five minutes crafts, theirs actually work. Baabe has a stressful office job that saps at their creativity. They want some time where they can just unwind and let those creative juices flow. Then they get to see some fruit of their labor.

"More glitter. There can never be too much glitter. Unless your partner is around. My boyfriend tried to eat glitter one time. So make sure they won't eat just anything when they're hungry before you pull out the glitter."

-------

Milo - adventure channel. He loves exploring new places, preferably outside, and showing off how fucking awesome forests are. And the tree facts this man has? They're insane. He's the tree man. Sweetheart likes taking him urban exploring (going through abandoned buildings) and scaring the shit out of him though.

"It's kind of cool to see how the architecture can- oh Jesus where did they go now? I swear this is the only reason they would break a law, just to scare me."

"Boo!"

"OH FUCK ME"

Milo also has a permanent collab with Sweetheart about the glory of Aggro.

-------

Sweetheart - ghost channel mostly. They have an ongoing series where they're just scaring people through pranks though. Sometimes they get Angel and Baabe to join in. But they will totally try to find ALL the haunted locations. They'll review scary movies and books too. Anything to do with horror and the paranormal is right up their alley.

"How does David even react to being scared, Angel?"

"You'd think I know? I don't know how to sneak up on him with how good his hearing is."

"Oh God I hope this doesn't break covert. I'm live right now, and my sergeant would be so pissed at me."

They have yet to break covert and everyone has just brushed the weird conversations off as normal. After all what kind of person obsessed with this kind of thing like Sweetheart is can be labeled the typical normal?

------

Sam - Sam can really only do a lot of things at night, so he's more of a comfort channel. He'll just go live with Darlin, Vincent and/or Lovely, and some of the other mates to just chill and talk. He'll sometimes play games but not often since he's not that confident in his ability to play. But he enjoys a good chat and being able to hang out with his friends.

"Vincent. Just admit you can't drive stick and we can move on."

"Sam I will literally break your elbow. I can drive stick, I just prefer not to."

"Right.... because you can't drive it."

"SAM!"

---------

Darlin - quite the opposite to their mate, Darlin is a self defense channel. They don't want other people to get hurt after their friend did. And they can't really help thinking that if their friend knew more moves to fight against Quinn, they would have gotten less injured. It's an irrational thought but they can't see anything wrong with putting the information out there at the very least. David often helps them, or Asher. Milo doesn't have a wish to be put in a chokehold by the nicknamed "Tank".

"Now if some asshat is chasing you with a knife, you should try to figure out if you're faster than them. If you can run, you probably should. Knives are hella sharp and it hurts like a bitch when they stab you. Trust me, I've had my fair share of encounters."

They like the chill streams with Sam though, especially if they can convince him to give them a massage.

---------

Christian - let's be honest, his entire personality is that he's better than Asher. So he's another gaming channel, but he's in a constant beef with Asher about who's the better gamer.

"What? Asher got third place? Of course he did. He's a total noob. I, however, am not and I'm going to get first place. Beta my ass."

--------

Amanda - baking channel. She just wants to be able to chill and make sweet things for her loved ones. Christian will sometimes join her and be her official taste tester. The flirting and sexual tension is noticed by all the viewers, no matter how much the two try to "hide" it.

"Macaroons tend to be kind of difficult, especially for people just starting out. But practice makes perfect. Plus if you like paying attention to little details, I totally recommend making them."

"I like paying attention to every detail of you, Amanda."

"O-oh!"

-------

Arden - while Sweetheart is a sometimes prank channel, Arden is a dedicated prank channel. She gets the Stealth to join them a lot of the time too. But while Sweetheart focuses on pranking someone in real life, the viewers aren't even safe from this evil genius. They will upload "PSA"s made specifically to prank the viewers before most of them realize it. And yes, there is an ongoing series of her bullying Christian.

"Guys! You know how Asher's partner makes cool arts and crafts? Well they showed me this super cool way to get tin foil really shiny. All you need is a microwave!"

[shanastoryteller]

how different do you think the story would be if draco malfoy had been picked as the hogwarts champion?

draco doesn’t know how this happened, and he’s pissed off in between being terrified. he stands up, nose in the air, and walks to the front of the great hall, taking his place between fleur and viktor. 

he expects them to look thrilled. if he’s the hogwarts champion, they’re going to have an easy time of it, but instead the both of them just look concerned. he’s been talking with both of them, friendly with both of them, because he’s not an idiot, he knows what power looks like. 

he knows what it isn’t, and it’s him. he’s smart, and strong, but he’s a fourth year and even with all the spells he’s not supposed to know, he doesn’t have the easy, solid presence of viktor of fleur, people who are not only powerful but know how to wield their power, unlike potter who just stumbles around accidentally defeating monsters with that stupid confused look on his face. 

then, as if this whole situation isn’t bad enough all on it’s own, the goblet spits out one more name. 

harry potter. 

of course. draco doesn’t know what he expected, really. 

severus yells. his parents make an awful lot of scary threats that he knows they’re prepared to deliver on. his aunt floos over from the magical artifacts office to try and declare the goblet faulty, but it’s not use. 

his name came out of the goblet, so he has to compete. 

he can’t help but notice, however, that no one yells on behalf of potter, no one comes to his defense in the face of this ridiculous task they’re supposed to complete, not even dumbledore, even though potter’s supposed to be some sort of golden boy. it seems, maybe, that everyone’s forgotten along the way that he’s a kid too. 

that night his parents send him a package, and he rolls his eyes because he hasn’t worn something like this since he was a kid, but it’s not like he doesn’t understand the rational behind it. he slips the dainty silver ring on his middle finger, and makes a mental note to fidget with it. 

~

his housemates rally around him when he gets back, faces solemn, quiet as severus towers behind him. 

he sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. “well,” he says, “are we going to win this or not?” 

a slytherin is the hogwarts champion. he can’t get out of it, so he’s going to win it, he’s going to rub silver and green in the face of everyone who’s ever looked at him sideways because of his house. 

over a hundred eager smiles meet him. if he succeeds, all of slytherin succeeds, and so all of slytherin is going to help him. 

~

he finds out about the dragons from Flora, who’s cousin is an intern in the department of magical creatures. snape ropes his newts level slytherins into devising a sleeping potion powerful enough to take out a dragon, and cassius drills him in manipulating the bubblehead charm until he’s exhausted and his fingers ache and lungs hurt. pansy promises to carry the potion with her on the day of the first task so draco can cast a simple summoning charm to get it from her in the stands. 

the day of the first task, he summons the potion, casts a giant bubblehead charm around them, then a smaller one on himself, and smashes the potion in the center of the dragon’s forehead. it roars, and blue mist surrounds them, and then there’s a thunderous crash as the dragon falls to the ground, asleep. draco cautiously darts forward to collect the golden egg, darts away, and casts a dissipation spell before ending both bubblehead charms and running as far away from angry, sleep muddled dragon as he can get. 

he thinks it’s a pretty impressive display until potter flies around the horntail, outflying and out maneuvering her, and coming away victorious with the golden egg tucked under his arm. 

the second task seems to throw everyone for a loop. even severus looks perplexed by the screaming egg, and nearly his whole house writes their parents and uncles and cousins for advice. 

it all ends up being worthless.

everyone’s huddled around the egg in the common room, and there’s a pounding sound. draco closes the egg and they all look out the window, which of course leads out to the great lake.they are in the dudgeon after all. 

there’s a merperson, young based on the pattern of their scales, who’s pointing towards the egg, and them pointing towards themselves, then gives an approximation of a wink and swims away. 

marcus flint, of all people, is the one who figures it out. “water,” he says, “listen to it under water. it’s a mermaid singing.” 

his prefect takes him to the baths, and him and as many people as they can cram in there listen to the egg sing it’s pretty song. there’s some debate about what the merpeople will take, with vincent suggesting all his hair products and daphne offering up his broom, but it doesn’t actually matter what it is, because what they take doesn’t change what he has to do, which is get it back from them. 

severus offers gillyweed, adrien pucey says that draco might as well take advantage of the bubblehead charm he already knows, and theo, who is terrifying and brilliant, says it’s too bad he doesn’t have the durmstrang ship. 

they all go quiet, and severus stands up and says that he can’t hear this, then leaves, “hear what?” theo asks, blinking, and marla, who’s already been accepted to cairo’s curse breaking graduate program, leans forward, eyes bright, and starts coming up with a plan. 

then draco finds out they’re taking people, not things, and that’s just not on. 

they’ve taken his cousin. 

“luna lovegood?” potter asks, confused, because he’s an idiot, and draco ignores him. 

the stakes are suddenly much higher. he doesn’t think they’d actually let the hostages get seriously hurt for this contest, but intentions don’t mean much to him right now. 

the other three champions go bolting into the water. draco turns and goes the other direction. 

everyone’s in the stands, so the durmstrang ship is completely empty. people must be figuring out what he’s doing, because there’s some angry yelling, but stealing a ship isn’t against the rules, so. he does just as marla told him to, and he doesn’t know what and who she had to do to get this information, but he’s too grateful to question it. he steps to the captain’s helm, activates the underwater mode, and the boat sinks into the great lake.

steering is extremely difficult and requires more upper body strength than he’s thrilled with, but he’s surrounded by a pocket of air as the ship zooms past the other contestants, so he doesn’t care all that much. he throws up the shield to barrel through the line of merpeople acting as a barrier. he uses a severing spell to cut the ropes and summons luna into the ship. as soon as he crosses the barrier, into the air, she gasps awake, and he carefully sets her on her feet. 

“cousin!” she greets, smiling. “headmaster dumbledore said that i would be thing you most sorely miss. that means you like me, right?” 

“wrong,” he says gruffly, flicking her radish earring. “i love you, but i don’t like you, you’re weird and annoying.” 

she just keeps smiling at him, eyebrows raised, and uhg, this is the worst, she’ll never leave him alone now. “well,” she says, “we are related, after all.” 

“hey!” he says, but she only giggles. 

they should be leaving, he’s gotten here first and he can get back first, with his cousin in tow. 

but. 

what if something happens to the others after he leaves? viktor and fleur will be so upset if something happens to their girlfriend and little sister, and well, it’s not like harry will be any fun to poke fun at if he’s busy mourning his best friend. 

he can’t just say that though, and it’s not like he’s willing to come in last just to make sure everything gets back okay. 

“cousin?” luna asks, head tilted to the side. 

“shut up,” he says, and taps his wand on his hand. 

he transforms three wooden dummies with the hostages respective names carved into their chest, then right below it adds early bird captures all the prizes, xoxo draco and swaps them out, although he has to keep the ships shield’s activated while he does because the merpeople are pissed. 

gabrielle huddles into luna’s side, who speaks even less french than gabrielle does english, but draco’s too busy steering the ship to play translator. 

granger and weasley stand next to each other, staring at him like they’ve never seen him before, and he really wishes they’d stop looking at him. “what?” he snaps. “i just - i’m just trying to - to make them angry, is all.” 

“right,” weasley says, eyebrows pushed together. he and granger share a look. draco doesn’t know what it means, but he hates it. 

“oh, piss off,” he grumbles as the ship breaks the surface. 

the durmstrang students are clustered near the shore. their headmaster looks pissed, but all the students are laughing, so draco doesn’t feel too bad about the whole thing. 

viktor and potter bring back their wooden figures, and fleur stops crying and kisses him on both cheeks when she realizes draco’s gotten her sister. potter hugs granger and weasley, and the three of them keep looking at him. 

draco gets nines across the board, with each judge deducting a point for stealing, which he doesn’t think is fair. no one said stealing wasn’t allowed after all. 

~

the third task happens, and everything goes wrong. viktor attacks him, and later he finds fleur unconscious and sends up red sparks for her. he ends up fighting back to back with potter, which is hell, and the golden trophy is across from them. he and potter look at each other, for a moment completely still, and then they both go running. draco’s so close, he’s not going to let harry win this, even if the whole thing does seem a bit unfair what with viktor having lost his mind and attacking fleur, but draco’s not about to be a hufflepuff about this. 

because there’s no justice in this world, they grab it at the same time. 

draco’s used a portkey plenty of times, and it doesn’t disorient him. he lands on his feet with his wand out, and pointed right at a man with overly large front teeth. 

a crackly voice says, “kill the-”

draco doesn’t wait around for him to finish that sentence. “stupefy!” 

the stunning spell works, and the man falls to the ground with a loud crunch  that would be concerning if draco cared. “malfoy?” potter mutters, finally getting to his feet, looking too pale and green around the edges. his hand is pressed against his forehead. “i-i think something is wrong. we should leave.” 

“malfoy,” that same crackly voice says, and draco leans forward cautiously. “good, good. lucius’s boy. you’ll finish this, then.” 

cradled in the man’s stupified arms is a scaly creature about the size of a large toddler with beady red eyes. 

draco’s hit with overwhelming wave of revulsion, with wrongness, that he’s never felt before and can’t explain. “I-I,” he pauses, stepping back, and in front of potter, who still looks like he’s going to be sick at any moment. he keeps his wand out, but uses his other hand to twist the ring around his middle finger three times. 

“pick me up,” the thing commands, “we have work to do. i need your flesh.” 

oh, merlin above. 

there’s two pops, and then his parents are here, following the distress signal sent off by his ring. 

“mum, dad,” he says, taking another stumbling step back, finally able to breath when they step in front of him, wands raised, “that’s - i think,” he pauses, “that’s the - the dark lord.” then, because he wants them to make informed decisions, “he tried to kill me.” 

“did he,” his mother says, voice icy. his father sighs, like he already knows what’s coming, but makes no move to stop it. “avada kedavra.” 

there’s a flash of green light, and when draco peeks around his father’s shoulder, the scaly creature is unmoving. 

“dear,” lucius says mildly. 

narcissa turns, holding out her arm, and draco tucks himself against his mother’s side. “yes darling? surely you didn’t really want to get involved in this mess again. and,” her voice drops, “he tried to hurt our son.” 

“yes, of course,” he says, reaching out a hand to brush it through draco’s hair, “but keep in mind there are plenty of people who will want explanations of what just occurred. he’s not actually dead, you know.” 

his mother hums, “well, i suppose we’re changing sides.” 

lucius frowns, but it’s not like he’s going to argue with narcissa, so he says, “very well.” 

“um,” potter says, and the three of them turn to look at him, “what?” 

“that’s a portkey then?” lucius asks, looking to the trophy on the ground. daring, “i’ll handle things here, you go back with the boys. surely there’s someone who set this up waiting for whoever returns.” 

“uh,” potter says, “er, sorry, i just - can we take pettigrew too? he - i can use him to clear my godfather’s name, is all.” 

his parents both make a face like they’ve smelled something rotten, and his mother sighs. “i suppose dealing with sirius is one of the many prices we’ll pay for switching sides. very well. petrificus totalus! wingardium leviosa!” the mans stunned body rises, and voldemorts’ pathetic corpse falls with a dull thump. she looks expectantly towards them. “ready?” 

potter shoots him a desperate look, but if he’s looking for draco to explain his mother, he’ll be waiting for a long time. draco had given up on that by the time he turned five. he wonders if all this means that he and potter will actually manage to be friends. 

“come on, potter,” he holds out his hand, “mum’s probably going to kill at least one more person tonight, so best not to start questioning things now.” 

“at least two, if i get my hands on dumbledore,” she sniffs, grabbing draco’s other hand so she can travel with them by portkey. 

potter looks down at his outstretched hand, then back up, and only hesitates a moment more before taking it. “call me harry. isn’t ant of this, you know, weird for you?” 

draco shrugs. “we’re wizards, harry. weirdness is relative, don’t you think?” 

harry’s just grabbed the portkey, so his laughter gets cut off, and draco tries not to mourn the loss. 

hopefully, now he’ll get a chance to hear it again, after all. 

[tae-cup]

Down With The Ship | FINALE

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Female!Reader

Summary: Captain Jeon Jungkook; a beautiful mess of blood and gold. His greatest treasure, may also be his greatest downfall.

Genre: Pirate!au

Warnings: Angst, some fluffy stuff, panic attacks, blood

Rating: T for Teens

A/N: Alexa, play Roslyn by Bon Iver and St. Vincent. aaaaaaand that’s a wrap! I’m honestly in love with this series and kind of want to make some spin offs, but I need to focus on like...my big series now XD 

Thanks for sticking around!

Word Count: 8k Words

Other: Masterlist

Previous 

Up with your turret Aren't we just terrified? Shale, screen your worry From what you won't ever find

           Him had a face. Him had a name. Eun-kyung haunted your dreams. The deep blue of his irises visited you at night and his soft hands touched your waist, your arms, and legs. The most innocent of touches giving you the fluttering of butterflies in your stomach. 

          You were broken out of your trance by a hand waving in front of your face. You blinked, startled. 

“Oh, sorry.” You murmured, brushing back a strand of hair as you met the gaze of the frowning captain. 

“Are you sick? Tired?” The genuine concern that tinged his voice was new to you. 

            You smiled softly and shook your head, turning back to sketching out the map before you. It was so nice above deck where you and Jungkook sat on the planks. He dictated anything interesting he saw and you sketched the coastline. 

“I’m alright, Jungk-Captain.” 

        He paused, looking at you for a moment. Then he turned back to observing the land mass ahead. “You can call me Jungkook. I don’t mind.” 

        His words made you smile a little and you didn’t know how his heart quickened when you smiled. 

“I see a large mountain in the distance. It seems to be of cold climate.” 

“That explains the wind.” You rubbed at the pinkened end of your nose. He noticed you shivering and, in an action that surprised both you and him, he shrugged off his coat and handed it to you. 

“Stay warm, Y/N. And head inside soon before you catch a cold.” He then wandered back below deck without another word. 

             You liked the way your name rolled off his tongue. His mouth moved around it harshly, like a command, while Eun-kyung always spoke it like a soft prayer on his lips. The callous nature of the man did not surprise you, he was a pirate after all and Eun-kyung had simply been your guard. But he was so much more than that. If Eun-kyung was the sturdy land, Jungkook was the crashing sea. And you had always loved the sea more than the land. 

              You stood at the side, biting your lip in concentration. The murky water below reminded you of the day you walked the plank almost a year ago. It had been terrifying and calming at the time, but now it just gave you fond memories. You still weren’t allowed off the boat since you were a wanted woman. The thought sent you back to the weight that had been hanging on your shoulders. Were they still looking for you? Was Haneul getting closer? Every day it felt like you could turn a corner and he would be right there. 

             You gripped the pen tighter as you traced the coast. The air was chill and your ears were freezing, but Jungkook’s coat was wrapped tightly around you, the sleeves rolled up to keep from dragging on the page. You hummed a little to yourself, just admiring the sights before you. 

             It was odd how the ocean, so vast and oppressive at times, could fill you with such joy. The emptiness of the sea, no soul within miles, would put a normal person on edge, but when you loved the salt in the air as much as the crew of BTS, the loneliness didn’t seem all that bad. 

               Jungkook was on his daily rounds to make sure people were on task. He checked in on Jin who was cooking lunch. The older man quickly shooed him out of the kitchen, waving a wooden spoon as the captain shouted his protests. 

           Then he visited Namjoon, his trusty second, but he was busy reading a book. When he had entered the man’s cabin, he had simply peered up at him unamused and went back to reading. Who knew the captain of his own ship could be so easily rejected by his crewmates? He didn’t even bother with Yoongi, fully knowing the man was asleep.

            Surely Jimin will need my help with something? So he went to visit the blonde haired man. But he was busy cleaning and claimed he didn’t need the help. Hoseok was quite obviously steering the ship and Jungkook didn’t really need to help there. So he ended up standing beside you, thoroughly tired of his crew. 

“It’s like every time I try to do something nice for my crewmates, the universe rejects me.” He sighed, feeling a little more melancholic than usual.

          It was nearing the anniversary of the mutiny and though the blood was long washed away, he didn’t really want to spend it on the boat. You made a noise of acknowledgement, still focused on your drawing. 

“Words would be nice, little miss.”

You rolled your eyes at the nickname, but smiled nonetheless. “Oh boo hoo. No one wants to babysit the captain.” You turned to face him, a smirk on your face. 

            His cheeks grew red and he opened and closed his mouth. He didn’t know if he wanted to kiss or slap that smirk off your mouth. Was it scary that the urge to kiss you was stronger? To him it was terrifying. He already had six weaknesses composed of his crewmates, but having a lover? That would be his downfall, he just knew it. So at what point did the pros outweigh the cons? He would see to it that they never did. For his and your own sake. 

             The captain still couldn’t help tracing his eyes over your profile. From the slope of your nose to the outline of your lips. Then he studied your hands, the way you held your pen, the way you focused on the paper. 

“How long are you going to stare at me, lover boy?” You teased, having grown comfortable with the captain.

             You spent most of your time with him to help him navigate and work on the various maps. It was sort of exhausting to have one way conversations with him, but you were okay with it; it was like home. 

“Sorry.” His response made you frown slightly, but you returned to your work. 

“Does Namjoon dislike me, or something?” You asked cautiously, not looking up from your sketch. 

“No...I think he just...has trouble trusting people.” Jungkook huffed, blowing a strand of hair out of his face. 

        The door that led below deck flung open with a crash and Taehyung stumbled out, looking out of sorts. He immediately went to the side and hurled out his lunch. 

“Taehyung, are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!” You dropped your pad and pencil onto the deck and ran over to look at him. He was pale and wide eyed. 

“Just a nightmare.” He choked out, squeezing his eyes shut.

            You caught the glistening in his eyes before he left to sit against the wooden siding of the ship. He leaned his head back, brown hair splaying out in all directions, and pulled his knees in close to his chest. The man took deep breaths. 

“Must have been one hell of a nightmare.” You murmured, your tone concerned, and you were. You had never seen the man so disoriented. He was often a wild card between serious and loving, but never had you seen him off guard. 

The man didn’t respond. His hands gripped his knees. The captain watched his crewmate in sympathy. With a sad expression, he tugged on your arm. 

“Y/N, we should leave him be. There are some things you don’t have to know about.” 

“His name was Sam.” Taehyung whispered. Jungkook stopped, glancing back at the gunner with curiosity. When he didn’t continue, Jungkook took that as his cue to leave. He dragged you away, disappearing below deck. 

           His mind was spinning. He went in circles, memories playing on repeat like a video. Taehyung could feel Sam’s warm breath on his neck, the way his hands held his, the way he brushed against him. The man would always claim it was an accident, but Taehyung knew it wasn’t. 

            While the lull of the sea usually brought him peace, today it reminded him of everything he’d done wrong. 

“Aish, you need to let it go already.” Sam sat next to him, his ethereal form hovering above the deck. 

“You died right in my arms, Sam. It was my fault for not shooting the man before he shot you.”

“You were processing, it’s okay.”

“Why did I hesitate the one time it mattered?” 

“Because you’re human.” 

         Taehyung bumped his head against the side several times, trying to make the ghostly spirit go away. It was taunting him with a love he could no longer have.

“How can you forgive me?”

“You did all you could.” 

“Why aren’t you mad?”

             The ghost stood and crouched in front of him, body passing through Taehyung’s knees. He could almost feel the man’s touch, his ghostly fingertips tracing his cheek. Then the wind blew and reminded him of the simple chill that caused it. 

“I could never be mad at you Taehyung.”

              The man swallowed, watching the specter lean in, his ghost lips brushing over his warm ones. 

“How can you say that, Sam?” He said weakly. “When you’re the one with a bullet in your chest.” 

 “If you weren’t a pirate, Hoseok, what would you be doing?” You sat on the railing that overlooked the main deck. Your legs swung back and forth. The pilot thought over your question, his eyes still set on the horizon. 

            Hoseok, despite his sunny personality, could look rather serious, possibly angry, when he thought hard enough. He twisted the wheel, sending the boat closer to the mainland. 

“I think I would be a dancer.” 

“You dance?”

“I wanted to.” He corrected you. Then he released a sigh and placed a pole through one the rungs to hold the steering wheel while he took a break. “It wouldn’t have worked out. It wouldn’t have been a living.” 

“Can you show me?” You asked. He raised an eyebrow. 

“You want to see?” There was hope in his eyes as he spoke, his words holding an excitement. 

“Yeah, for sure!” You smiled widely, eager to see your crewmate either wow you or make you laugh. 

“Alright! But you’re getting in on it too, okay?” 

“That wasn’t the deal.” You crossed your arms. “Besides, I only know some ballroom dancing.”

“I’ll show you!” He exclaimed excitedly, taking your hand and leading you out to the main deck. 

           He bowed lowly, pecking your hand with his lips. You instantly flushed bright red and he looked up at you with a sly smile. 

“May I have this dance?” He asked.

“Most certainly, kind sir.” You played along, curtsying. 

            He chuckled and took your arm in his so you were facing opposite directions. Then he began skipping around in a circle, humming out a beat and melody. You laughed, forced to follow along with his antics. He then switched arms and continued the dance. Then he unhooked his arm, spinning you around in a circle. 

          You fought to regain your balance, the world spinning as you let out more squeals of excitement. He then held up his arm, intertwining his arm with yours. Your hands touched, fingers pointing upwards as he took a step forward, leading you in the new dance move. You both laughed in delight, dancing to the rhythm of the sea and humming a tune only you two knew. 

           There was a loud cough. The entire crew stood there, even Yoongi, watching you with varying expressions. Jimin looked eagerly between the two of you. Yoongi just sighed, but he didn’t move back below deck as he usually would. Jin was holding back a laugh and even Namjoon let his lips twitch into a smile. Jungkook looked the least pleased. 

“Hoseok, don’t you have a job to do?” The captain barked. 

“Sorry, captain.” Hoseok bowed and started leaving. You quickly grasped his arm, pulling him back. 

“Stop it, Jungkook.” You hissed, not bothering with the title. “You’re always trying to ruin the fun, loosen up and live a little.” 

           The crew stood still, glancing between the two of you. Jungkook turned on his heel, letting out a huff of air, his nostrils flaring. The rest of the crew awkwardly shuffled from foot to foot. 

“Jimin! Get over here, I can see you want to get in on it.” You winked, moving around to push the male towards Hoseok. 

         The older man easily took the younger in and started showing him the steps. You then shoved Namjoon and Jin together. Yoongi glanced at Taehyung who smirked. 

“No way.” Yoongi scoffed, ready to go back down below. 

          The others were already getting into the swing of things, switching partners and letting playful banter slip in between the melody they all started singing. 

“As I was a-walking down Paradise Street.” Jin sang, his voice clean without a warble. 

“To me way-aye, blow the man down.” The others chorused.

“A pretty young damsel I chanced for to meet.” Jimin rang out next, his voice like a bell and just as beautiful. 

“Give me some time to blow the man down!” They all sang back, erupting into laughter. 

         Taehyung reached out and grasped the older man’s sleeve. 

“Yoongi, I think it’s about time you joined the world of the living.” He stated firmly and dragged him out to dance with the others.

           It was soon a mess of laughter and drunken singing, although no one was drunk; they acted like it pretty well. Hoseok was clapping in time to the beat. You wanted to throw yourself into the mix, but you didn’t have a partner. The most eligible man was pissed off below deck, most likely brooding. 

           You wouldn’t have it. You marched down below, despite how much you hated the claustrophobic feeling of being below deck. You pounded on the captain’s office door and he responded with a stern come in. 

           You marched inside. 

“Captain Jeon Jungkook if you don’t go out there and dance right now, I’m going to drag you out. You can spend all your life hiding from your crew and holding up in your office when everyone is bonding. And you also need to stop brooding like some edgy man baby! Seriously! Loosen up!” You paced, ranting to the captain who sat looking amused at you. His arms were crossed and his eyebrows shot up at the words ‘man baby’. 

“Excuse me, is that anyway to speak to your captain?” He frowned, effectively cutting you off. “Maybe I have been too lenient with you and the crew.” 

           Then he caught himself in the mirror and sagged, suddenly lost in thought. That was something Captain Rogers would say. Except, when he looked at you, you weren’t shaking and crying, you weren’t flinching at his gaze. Instead, you stood straighter. 

“You need to be more lenient to yourself, Jungkook.” You stepped around the desk and he swiveled his chair around to face you. 

           Jungkook had such a youthful face, it was a shame he spoiled it so often with frowns. You could almost see the stress wrinkles already forming. You reached forward, harmlessly brushing your hands with his. He pulled his hand away like you’d burned him. 

“Is everything...is everything alright Jungkook?” You asked quietly. 

          He couldn’t think. The world was spinning. Being in that office, being touched, watching himself in the mirror, it was already painful enough. When he looked at you, it wasn’t you that stared back, he only saw Captain Rogers. His breaths came out hurried and short. 

“Look, I’m sorry if I’m pushing you to do something you don’t want to do, but going outside your comfort zone is good sometimes, okay?” You reached out once again and firmly held his hand in yours. 

           The brush of skin on skin made him nauseous. Your grip was suffocating. He felt like he was drowning. The room felt stuffy, his breaths came shorter and shorter. His eyes wildly gazed around your face, begging to see you and not Captain Rogers. But he only saw the old man’s yellowed grin staring back at him, his lips spewing your words. The anger was back, a simmering pot of rage. 

“Don’t touch me.” He said softly. 

“What?” You tilted your head, trying to understand what was happening. 

“I said don’t touch me!” He ripped his hand away and stood, staggering back a couple of steps. “You don’t know anything about me!” He barked. 

          His hands trembled and he held his stomach, trying to hold onto its contents. The ghost touches were still there, making him bend over as he tried his best to keep down his lunch. 

“Get out!” He shouted. Then his voice went quiet as he trembled. “Just get out.” 

         He pointed weakly towards the door and you simply nodded and left, as much as you wanted to help him. 

         He crumpled to the floor, taking in deep breaths as he ran his hands over his arms. I am in control. I am in control now. It was a soft chant in his head as he sat in his little office; his cage. 

             You couldn’t sleep. The memory of Jungkook tainted your mind. Your heart had been racing since you left his office. He hadn’t arrived for dinner, but Jin delivered it to his office. He didn’t say his usual goodnights to the rest of the crew and so the day ended bitterly. Everyone knew something was wrong with the captain and you didn’t want to pry, but you knew it had something to do with what happened today. 

              The utter terror he had stared at you with had made your heart drop instantly. The way he flinched when you touched him sent you tumbling into a spiral of self doubt. What mattered was no longer how he made you feel, but how you had made him feel. Was he okay? Did he eat his dinner?

               You took a deep breath. With both Eun-kyung and Jungkook haunting your sleep, you could no longer rest. You stood and made your way out to the main deck. There was no wind tonight. The air was still and the ocean eerily calm. The stars twinkled brightly like a blanket of holes in the dark night. The moon was a perfect circle, providing ample light. You leaned against the side. The waves lapped playfully against the wood of the ship. There was a gentle breeze that blew through your hair every so often. 

              Your nightgown wasn’t the warmest thing to wear, but you didn’t plan on being out for long. It was so quiet your ears rang. There wasn’t a single soul for miles and miles. The peace was nice. 

“Can’t sleep?’ The familiar rumble of the captain’s voice met you in the silence. \

              His soft steps made their way to stand beside you. He leaned against the railing. Your heart thumped. You shook your head in response to his question. Jungkook let out a soft sigh. 

“Yeah, me neither.” He agreed, eyes trained on the dark sea below. 

              You shifted awkwardly, making sure to keep your distance. You turned to him, admiring the way the shadows fell on his face in the moonlight. 

“Look, I’m sorry about earlier, I didn’t know what was happening and I pushed you. It was wrong. I’m really really sorry.” You said earnestly, hands clenched. He inhaled sharply, shutting his eyes and nodding. 

“I know. It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known. I’m not a very open person.” He confessed. “It was just...something that happened in the past.” 

          You didn’t want to pry so you nodded and left it at that. He scooted closer to you. You took a step back. He snorted. 

“I’m not fragile. I just had a moment there.” The captain said, but his tone was a little saddened. 

            You fell silent. He shifted toward you and you didn’t move a muscle. 

“Y/N?” 

“Hm?” Your hair was ruffled by the wind again. He was mesmerized by your beauty. Pros and cons be damned. 

“You make me feel...things I didn’t think were possible.” He admitted. “I think I like you...a lot, but I was never taught love or really kindness at all growing up. So I would probably never be able to love you the way you want because I just don’t know how but-”

“Wait, you...like me?” You froze, eyes widening at the captain. 

          He looked more like a stuttering school boy, clearly having never matured much in the love department. You let a smile break out on your face at his almost nonexistent nod. You resisted the urge to grab his hands. 

“Good, because I like you too.” You confessed, your face heating up. He grinned, then tentatively reached for your hands. 

“I want to learn. I want to try, but you’ll have to be patient with me, Y/N.” He explained cautiously.

          Then he carefully took your hands in his, ignoring the way his skin crawled at the contact. Your wrists. Wrists that had never had a bruise on them. His wrists. Wrists that were a permanent shade of purple and blue. He could try. For you he could try. 

           You returned to your room that night, your heart thumping wildly. The simplest of touches, holding hands, had sent your heart soaring. Your mind was running wild with the picture. That night, you dug the gold wedding ring out of your bag. You held it up to the moonlight, watching it shine and glint of the metal. Then you unlatched the cabin window, letting the cool air infiltrate your room. 

           You stuck your hand out and let go, watching as the golden ring that acted as your chain went tumbling all the way down into the water. It’s impact was a mere ripple in the dark waters. 

            It had been months since you set foot on land. You hadn’t missed it, not really. The swaying of the ship you had become accustomed to and as long as you had your crew, you were happy anywhere. 

          The dashing captain set foot next to you and you released a breath you didn’t know you were holding. Being off the ship gave you a sense of dread. The shackles of social norms and manners were shackles to weigh on you. 

“Hey, you’ll be okay.” Jungkook said calmly and you took that as a sign you should move. The other members accompanying you were Yoongi and Jin. 

           You were paranoid and that was only made a little better by Jungkook being there. You browsed the shops, full well knowing Jungkook could buy the whole town with his money and still have enough left over to last a lifetime. You picked up a necklace, the silver chain was made of delicate links. There was a yellow amulet attached.

         Jungkook leaned over you, his skin still never touching yours. He had revealed very little about his past and even then it was rather cryptic. All you could do was assure him that whatever happened when he was growing up was wrong. From the scars on his back and arms, you could piece together a little bit of his story at least. And it wasn’t a story you wanted to read. 

           Jungkook fingered the jewel for a moment, turning it over in his hands. He then held it up to the sunlight and sucked in a breath. It’s genuine. He thought to himself. Then he handed it back over to you. 

“You should get it.” He said quietly, his breath hot against your ear. “It suits you.” 

             Heat crawled up your neck and he smirked as you paid for the necklace without a second thought. The feeling of being watched didn’t disappear as you continued shopping. 

“Y/N?” An all too familiar voice called. It caught you off guard, your breath hitching. 

             You had always thought Haneul had a similar voice to Eun-kyung. The resemblance was uncanny as your supposed fiance appeared. Jungkook immediately stood on guard, hand moving to his waistband where his gun was holstered. Haneul was not a bad guy. He was stuck in a similar predicament as you. 

“Y/N, I can’t believe it’s you.” The man breathed. “Everyone thinks you died!”

“Good!” You spat, standing firmly next to Jungkook. The crowd had yet to notice the scuffle breaking out. “So where’s your back up, huh?” 

“I don’t have any. I seriously didn’t expect you to be here.” Haneul held up his hands as a sign of mercy. 

          Jungkook didn’t loosen. It was like something bad always happened to you when you went on land. It was a little exhausting at this point. 

“Please, you and I both didn’t want this, but if I don’t bring you back and marry you, I’m going to be disowned. My parents can’t have a bachelor son who couldn’t even keep track of his fiance in their image.” 

           You almost felt bad for him. You had both been forced into the situation and while you fled and started a new life, he was forced to bear the brunt of your actions. And for that I’m sorry. You thought, but you didn’t have the decency to voice your thoughts. 

“There’s no way she’s going to marry you.” Jungkook’s eyes were wild. 

            He began playing the part of the maddened captain everyone saw him as. And you saw it too, just for a moment. Was there any way out of this predicament without violence? Surely Haneul would not let you simply walk away. He had been waiting a little over a year to find you and keep his head from being disowned. There was no way he was about to let you go. 

“If she doesn’t, It’ll cause a massive uproar in the houses!”

“Good.” Jungkook spat. 

            You knew how chaotic that would be. While you were technically a pirate who cause chaos all the time, you were not a crew who did so ‘just because’. This just didn’t have a good reason. Besides, the noble houses were still a part of the hierarchy of society. What would happen if they were thrown into such unrest? 

“You still have a search warrant out for you, Y/N. The prices have been upping since your departure.” Haneul spoke. You frowned in response. “It’s at 500,000 gold shillings. That’s enough to last a man most of his lifetime in comfort.” 

“Yes, I know how many shillings that is.” You said bitterly. 

            You thought over your options. Running was out of the question. There were two of you and one of him. Your disadvantage would be running through the crowd and Haneul was always a fast runner. The second option was to stay and talk to him, but that gave him ample time to call for backup. The third option...was not one that would please Jungkook, but it was also the best way to get Haneul to stand down. 

What can ya say? If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. 

         Jungkook was reaching his breaking point. Your lightest touches were reversing years of mental and physical torture. While he’d never be whole ever again, you filled the space well enough. You were humming softly to yourself, a tune only you knew, as you filled in the key for the newest map. 

          “Y/N?” He called, watching you look up. Your eyes were curious as you stared at him. He felt his breath hitch at the way your hair fell perfectly around your face. 

           “What is it, Jungkook?” You asked. 

           “Thank you.” He said. 

           You tilted your head, eyebrows knitting together in the cutest expression. You set your pen down and reached out, brushing a strand of hair behind his ear. You made sure not to brush your hand against his cheek. 

            “For what?” 

            “Everything.” He said vaguely, years of practiced poise coming in between him speaking earnestly with you. 

             “Are you alright?” You stared intently into his eyes. You placed your hand on his forehead without thinking to check his temperature. Yet, his skin didn’t crawl at your contact. His forehead was warm, but normal, which meant he wasn’t sick. 

              Jungkook had a dam. It was a high wall and it built itself higher every time he held back his emotions. Behind was a swirling tide of tears and pain waiting to be released. The waters swelled once more. He bit his lip and started building the wall higher. His doe eyes widened as he tried to keep the tears at bay. When he looked into your eyes, you seemed to genuinely wonder if he was okay. When was he ever okay? 

             He inhaled shakily. 

            “Do you really want to know?” 

             “Yes.” You said without hesitation, shoving the papers in front of you to the side. The ink rolled onto the floor. He laced his fingers together, knees bouncing as he pondered what to say. 

              “Okay.” He released a breath. “I need to start at the beginning.” 

-

               When his story was told through and through, no detail spared no matter how gruesome, he finally met your gaze. In your eyes were...tears. You looked devastated and as much as you wanted to reach out and hold him, you knew how much he disliked skin on skin. 

                “What they did to you was wrong, Jungkook.” You said firmly, though your voice shook at the very last word. He closed his eyes, leaning back in his chair. 

               “I’ve been trying to convince myself of that since I was 18. But it’s easier said than done.” He felt the dam breaking. The wall was old, cracks letting out small streams of water. 

              “We can help you. We’ll be with you every step of the way.” You cleared your throat. “I will be with you every step of the way.” 

             The captain felt like a small child under your warm gaze. He was once again a vulnerable boy, one who couldn’t understand the evils befalling him. He threw his hands over his face, scooting his chair back and curling over in his lap. His head hit his thighs to avoid your eyes. The dam broke. 

          Haneul was tired. Tired and angry. A year of berating, pitied looks, and whispers behind his back had let the rage build up. He let it brew, blaming it all on you. You were the reason he was being disowned. You were selfish. You put him through this. Yet, he sat next to you, a bowl of soup in front of him and an anxious crew watching. 

           He carefully picked it up, examining the contents. Broth. Carrots. What else was in there? It couldn’t be too bad. You watched him with a smile, knowing he was probably going through the same thought process as you had.

“And there’s nothing else in this?” He said skeptically. 

“Just carrots and soup!” Jin defended. You snickered behind your hand. Jin turned and slapped your arm. “It is!” 

“If that’s just carrots and soup, then I’m just a brain on wheels.” You chuckled. 

“Seriously!” Jin shouted. Haneul sighed and took a sip. 

           He swallowed. The crew held their breaths. Then he went and took another bite. You gaped. 

“Oh it’s not too bad, Jin!” Haneul smiled, but his ears were growing red. “It had a little, achem, kick.” 

Jin puffed out his chest and crossed his arms. “See! You all underestimate me. Or maybe…”

“Don’t say it.” Yoongi groaned. 

“I’m just saying you might just be wusses and Haneul here can actually stomach it because he has the balls.” Jin clapped the young man on his back. 

The captain sputtered at that. “Excuse me?” 

“You heard me.” The older man pointed at the captain. “You don’t have the balls to drink the soup, all of you. You just complain.” 

“I bet I can drink more than you!” Taehyung pointed at Yoongi. The pale man’s face dropped, his expression of neutral impassivity. 

“You’re going to lose that bet.” 

         Haneul watched the crew, still trying to get out of his habits as a nobleman. He needed to blend in, get you to trust him. He cleared his throat, which was still burning. 

“I’m going to get a bit of fresh air.” He declared, his body still sore from spending a night in the jail. You nodded at him and he hated the happy look on your face. 

           Why did you get to be happy when he was miserable? Weren’t you the one who ran away from the problem? He glanced at your ring finger, but there was no glint of gold. The captain had several rings and earrings, but nothing on his ring finger. You and the captain were speaking quietly to each other. Haneul saw the captain smile when he spoke with you. 

          He dropped the message off the ship and prayed the tide would take it where it needed to go. Then he breathed in the sea air. He hated the ocean, always preferred land. He heard footsteps and knew it was you. You stood there, observing him for a moment. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Missing home.” 

            You narrowed your eyes. He had yet to walk the plank, he wasn’t a true crew member yet and you were allowed your reservations. You remembered Jungkook’s words. We all hold a deep love for the sea. Yet, here Haneul was moaning about home. It only helped to set in more of your suspicions. 

“I get that.” You said quietly. You took a place next to him. 

“I don’t understand the universe, Y/N.” He started slowly. You faced him, confusion written on your face, but he didn’t turn to face you. “You’re so happy, so free. You get to do the things you’ve always wanted to do while I’m still constrained.” 

“I followed what I wanted to do. If you don’t want to live a life at sea, then we should drop you off at the nearest village and you can be on your way.” You said softly. 

“You don’t understand! Y/N! You ran away from your problems! Why do I have to be punished for your mistakes?” He trembled with rage, the powerful emotion pulling at him from all edges and bursting at the seams. 

“I’m sorry, Haneul.” you said, seeing how he truly felt. The anger that was dripping off of him like honey had a bittersweet taste. “I’m doing what I love and you should too.”

“I can’t be a nobleman if I’m disowned. There’s not a suitable girl within the houses for another five years.” He bit his lip and looked to the night sky. “Which is why I need to bring you back.” 

          You took a step away from him, itching to go back below deck. 

“You can’t be serious, Haneul?”

“You had your little adventure, you got to be a pirate, yay. Now let’s go back and maybe we can salvage your reputation.” 

“Reputation?” You sputtered. “This has nothing to do with that. I’m never going to go back with you.” You said furiously. “We’ll be dropping you off at the nearest village first thing.”

        He turned to look at you finally. A haunting look was in his eyes. 

“And how far away is the nearest village?”

“A day and night away.” 

“And you really think our parents wouldn’t have sent a ship with both of us missing?” He chuckled darkly. You backed away. 

“What did you do? Haneul what did you do?” You screeched, racing away as he laughed. You flung open the door to the lower deck where the crew was still eating happily. 

           They all stopped talking, taking in your ragged form. Immediately, Jungkook stood and went to you. He didn’t touch you, but he had concern written on his face. His gaze was steely, but you didn’t cower. 

“What’s wrong, love?” He asked, his voice hoarse. 

“Where’s Haneul?” Jimin piped up. 

“He tricked us.” You took a deep breath and met your lover’s gaze. “Haneul tricked us.” 

         Taehyung yawned, his guns resting on his lap. The ghost of Sam hovered nearby. 

“You should get some sleep.” He chided. 

“I know, Sam.” Taehyung grumbled. “But I have night watch and I won’t let my crew down.” 

“Will a ship really attack? I think Haneul may have been bluffing.” Taehyung could almost feel his breath. The gunner shook his head. 

“No can do.” He replied, fiddling with his guns. 

“Then let me rest, Tae, so I don’t have to watch you do this to yourself.” The ghost pleaded. Taehyung smiled a little.

“Nope. You’re staying right here, Sam.” He murmured. The man watched the horizon. No one was in sight for miles. Maybe he would just shut his eyes for one minute. 

        One minute too late. 

        The sound of hushed voices woke him up. He knew those voices were not his crew’s. Then his eyes traveled to the brooding black ship sidled up next to them. Taehyung flung himself up, lurching towards his guns. Sam was gone. How many crews were going to be slaughtered on his watch? His heart quickened. Taehyung didn’t have time to feel the guilt of this information, he needed to act. 

          The gunner opened the door to the lower deck and quietly shut it behind him. Then he raced to the captain’s office. 

“Come in.”

“Captain, they’re here. They’re on the upper decks, we need to attack while we still can.” Taehyung said breathlessly. Jungkook’s eyes widened. 

“How did they board? Nevermind, what matters is that they’re on the ship already.” He stood and opened his drawer that had a gun in it. Then he flung open his office door. “Gather the men. We’re going to battle.” 

-

          BTS had never really been in a battle. They often had the upper hand in a situation and crews went down without a fight. But it was at this moment that you remembered that everyone in the crew could hold their own.

          Yoongi held a harpoon and he was tangoing with an invader. Their figures were mere shadows in the moonlight. You had taken a knife from the kitchen, but you didn’t want to attack in case they were your men. The only sounds were the rhythmic pounding of the sea and the grunts of the men wrestling on the deck. 

           There were a few cracks of light as gunpowder fizzed in the air and stung your nose. It was like an awful hellscape. You stepped in a liquid and prayed it was water and not a puddle of blood. Lifting up your foot to examine, your fears were confirmed. 

            You sidestepped a body that was flung off the side. You knew the man to be an enemy because Jin’s face lit up in the moonlight in front of you. He was breathing heavily, a dried streak of rusty blood down his face. 

“Y/N, get the rowboat ready. We need to leave, they’ve brought too many men and we’re only seven.” He shouted over the commotion. 

         The crack and pop of several guns went off at once, lighting the sky up with gray smoke. 

            Hoseok ran over, looking a little worse for wear. He had a bruise forming on his cheek and a painful gash on his arm. 

“We’ve got to go, now.” He grasped your arm, trying to pull you away.

            His face was serious, angry, pained. All emotions you never expected to attribute to the man. Jungkook. You turned to watch the figures. You recognized Jimin’s blonde hair. 

“Jimin!” You shouted as an enemy approached him with a knife.

          Jimin turned, the sweet boy looking at you with wide eyes. The cabin boy was never meant for battle. 

            A guttural scream of rage came from the side and the hiss of a gun going off lit up the deck. Taehyung’s face was illuminated, thoroughly pissed. He refused to hesitate again. He wouldn’t let another crew member die on his watch. He shot at the would be attacker, but you assumed it must have been adrenaline making his hand shaky. 

           He missed. In all your time on the ship, Kim Taehyung had never missed a shot. Everything was working against you. Taehyung jumped in front of Jimin, resulting in him getting punched in the nose, blood instantly spurting.

            You tore your grasp away from Hoseok. 

“Y/N, stop!”

“Hobi! The crew needs me!” You shouted, racing towards Jimin. 

        You pulled Taehyung up and grabbed Jimin’s arm as Jungkook shot the enemy dead. 

“Tae, get up, Jimin, help him.” You wrapped a dazed Taehyung’s arm around Jimin’s shoulder. 

          The cabin boy nodded at you and you could see the steel behind his eyes. The timid boy was anything but timid. Jungkook ran towards you. 

“Y/N, you need to get off the ship. The others are already going to the rowboat.” He said, his voice hurried and his eyes wide. 

         Your eyes trailed to six familiar shapes climbing into the rowboat. 

“But someone needs to stay behind to release it.” You said quietly. Jungkook nodded.

“I know.” 

“You can’t really be suggesting yourself, you self-sacrificing bastard?!” You shouted, feeling tears pricking at your eyes. His face was sculpted perfectly in the moonlight, a white spotlight beaming down just for him. 

“Please, Y/N, I don’t have any other choice. A captain always goes down with the ship.” 

“No.” You stood firmly, tired of being pushed around finally. You inhaled sharply. “I have nothing to return to. I won’t let you do this alone.” 

“Y/N…I love you” He sighed and then, out of character, he drew you into a hug. Your breath hitched. His skin didn’t crawl at the touch. “Please don’t do this.” He whispered.

“I love you too, Jungkook, but-” You started, rubbing his back. You looked over his shoulder. “Jungkook!” You screeched. The man tensed in your hold, turning around just in time to see the figure coming towards him. 

         Everything slowed. 

         The captain pushed you away, and faced the man. There was this terrible high pitched noise in the background. The last enemy had found you and you recognized him. Myung-suk. And there were more coming. The glint of steel meeting flesh flashed in your eyes. You reached out for him, your lover. His face went pale. 

        His inky black hair glistened in the moonlight. His blood stained the floorboards and there was still the screeching sound. You met his eyes one last time. His lips mouthed ‘it’s okay’.The man threw the captain’s lifeless body off the side of the ship. The screeching sound, you’d come to realize, were your own screams. His body was nothing more than a ripple in the sea. 

        The world went back into motion. You immediately kicked the young soldier in the chest, effectively winding him like you’d seen Namjoon do once or twice. Then you took a big fistful of his shirt and pushed him off the side of the ship, not hearing his cries over your own. You whispered a prayer for Jungkook and cursed Myung-suk.

            May Jungkook become one with the sea and may Poseidon have no mercy on the man with the bloodied knife. Your hands shook, pain overtaking your mind. You didn’t have time to sob. The ship was headed towards the rocks. The crew was still in the rowboat, waiting for someone to release them.

            Mourning would get you nowhere. Despite the aching cavity in your chest, your crew needed you. He would have wanted that. So you refused the urge to dive right into the sea after him. You just wanted to be one with the sea, to let it wash over your wounds. Instead, you ran down the decks you had spent the last year of your life on. The ghostly memories of your crewmates flooded back to you. 

            You saw Namjoon first, his memory turning to look at you. 

Ah, you’re the new crew member, I see? Welcome to the family. 

             You swiped at your eyes. Yoongi’s ghostly form stood, his harpoon in hand, the memory reminding you of sunny days.

Y/N, stop looking at me like that. If you want to know how to fish, I’ll show you. Here, c’mere. 

               You let another teardrop fall. The wheel sat empty as you passed it. Hoseok’s memory stood there, turning the ship, whispering with Jimin.

Y/N! Want to dance? 

             Jimin smiled, his eyes crinkling wonderfully. 

Y/N, I’m sorry for sleeping on the job last night. Thanks for covering for me!

              His chuckle was beautiful. Seokjin had his hands on his hips.

I didn’t put anything in that soup, you wusses. He argued. 

            Taehyung leaned his head on the side of the ship. 

It’s nothing, just a nightmare.  

             You tried to breathe, but the worst memory was next. 

             The sky seemed to clear as you went through it once more. A well built man stood on the end of the ship. The night of gunpowder fell away. His hair ruffled in the wind. He turned to you, a smile on his face, doe eyes crinkling in delight. Jungkook held out his hand, his captain attire as crisp as ever.

 Are you ready, little miss? 

               And you almost took his hand. 

              You tore your eyes away, turning to where the crew now rested. Six in the boat, one at the bottom of the sea, one staying on the ship. You started lowering the ropes, ignoring the shouts of the crew. You felt a ghostly presence and you just knew it was him. Jungkook placed a hand on your back, guiding you through the motions. 

“Sh, it’s going to be alright. Stop shaking, love. You’re doing so well.” He whispered words of praise. 

“Y/N, stop, just climb aboard.” Namjoon’s words suddenly hit you. You stared incredulously at the man. 

“So we can all die?” You shouted. Tears traced their way down your cheeks. “Namjoon, do you trust me?”

         The man looked unsure, a pain behind his eyes. He looked down at the sea, his eyes drifting to the place his oldest friend perished. He looked devastated. And he was. His heart was breaking open for the young boy who deserved better, the boy who despite all odds, worked to make a name for himself. But above all, he was glad that his body was resting in the waves of the place he loved the most; The sea. He couldn’t mourn, he had to do his job as a first mate. He had to become the leader the crew needed. He couldn’t hesitate and let them all perish. You weren’t budging either. 

          Did he trust you? 

          “Yes.” He responded softly. You nodded and let the ropes fall, placing the boat gently into the water. 

              You couldn’t stop the tremble of your hands. All you wanted to do was cry, fall to the floor and let the sobs overtake your body. The boat drifted into the ocean and the rope fell away. The other ship blasted a hole into the side of BTS. You tumbled to the ground, sobs finally wracking your body. You watched the rowboat headed toward the shore. 

“Get up.” Jungkook urged. “Y/N, get up.” His voice was firm, his ghost as clear as day. 

“Jungkook, I-”

“You shouldn’t have, love. I should’ve been there.” He whispered. “You should find another way out. Don’t sacrifice yourself for a foolish captain like me.” You could almost hear his sheepish smile.  

             You stood, placing your hands on the side of the ship and watching the water come closer. You sniffled, letting your stomach drop as the ship sunk farther. Your eyes were glossy with tears, your heart shattered, so with all the courage left in your body, you turned to face his ghost. You hair flew in the breeze and the moment was of peaceful contrast to moments before. 

“No, I’m going down with the ship.” 

               You were falling. The world seemed to slow, going still as if you had halted in mid air. The waves welcomed you home, embracing you to your bones. Taehyung’s smile, Jin’s laugh, Yoongi’s quiet nods, Hoseok’s dancing, Jimin’s eyes, Namjoon’s voice, Jungkook’s face.

           They held you close, but Jungkook’s ghost held you the tightest as the rest faded away. When you looked up, there was no shadowy figure diving in to save you. It was just dark, the light of the sinking BTS illuminating the water. 

            The ghost of his lips hovered over yours as the sky sank farther out of reach. Your lungs filled with water, body finally being overtaken with the sea. Black ink fell across your vision as Jungkook’s ghost whispered words of praise. A bittersweet ending to the ship of the Bulletproof Boy Scouts. 

             You glimpsed his face, his ethereal body hovering above you, now one with the ocean. The crew had always been a mess, a tragically beautiful mess, but him, most of all.  

Sea and the rock below Cocked to the undertow Bones, blood and teeth erode With every crashing node

Taglist: @lovelyseomin​ @yoongi-sugaglider​  @merakiiverse​ 

[mxliv-oftheendless]

The Bridge of the Demonic Goatman (Part 1)

I thought of this a while back (specifically in the form of a hilarious mental image), and decided, “What the hell? I’m gonna write this.” It’s basically me combining two things I’m currently trash for (KISS and Buzzfeed Unsolved) into an AU, where my target audience is... well, me. On a side note, if you haven’t watched Buzzfeed Unsolved, I would definitely recommend it! It’s a great show, and they do episodes on true crime as well as supernatural cases. Here’s the link to the original episode if you want to watch it. Hope you enjoy!

Due to the sheer length of this story (it’s twenty fucking pages in the Word document), I’m going to have to post this in two parts. This is Part 1. Part 2 will go up tomorrow because it’s 11:30 PM rn and I’m too fucking tired to deal with this crap anymore.

Basic AU summary: It’s Buzzfeed Unsolved, but hosted by Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, and Vinnie Vincent. Gene is the believer of the supernatural, Paul is the skeptic, and Vinnie is the neutral third party (although he does like to join Paul in messing with Gene when they’re on a ghost hunt). 

Commentary text: 

Paul

Gene

Vinnie (apparently Tumblr doesn’t offer yellow as a color)

Something said in unison (who says it will also be in parentheses)

----

[cold open: camera is in the backseat of a car between the driver and passenger seats, looking through the windshield at the twilight sky. GENE is driving while PAUL is in the passenger seat. Soft haunting piano music plays over the footage]

PAUL: Almost there, Gene… you nervous?

GENE: I’ll probably be more nervous when we get there. How about you?

PAUL: [gestures out at the sunset] How can I be nervous with a sunset like that?

VINNIE: Ah, but remember, Paul. [camera cuts to VINNIE, who is sitting in the backseat] Eventually, the sun will be gone from the sky, leaving us in the foreboding dark of night. Then you’ll be nervous.

PAUL: [turns to look at Vinnie] How poetic.

VINNIE: Thank you.

PAUL: What about you, are you nervous?

VINNIE: Uh… [shrugs] kinda. I mean, we’re potentially going to see a demon.

PAUL: Potentially.

GENE: Don’t worry, Vin. I’ll protect ya.

VINNIE: You say that now, and yet if we actually see it, you’ll probably be cowering behind me and reciting the Lord’s Prayer.

GENE: How can I do that when you’re such a midget?

[Paul laughs. Vinnie leans forward and smacks Gene’s arm.]

[Smash cut: it is now nighttime. Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are now walking through a forest, the only light being from the flashlights coming from the night-vision cameras they are holding. Camera focuses on an old-looking wooden bridge with newer-looking red metal ledges. Gene shines his flashlight on a nearby sign that has text and the Texas state government symbol. The title reads OLD ALTON BRIDGE.]

GENE: Well, here it is. The bridge.

[Cut: Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are now standing at the foot of the bridge.]

GENE: Ready?

PAUL: Yep.

VINNIE: Yep.

GENE: … Paul, you go first.

PAUL: [scoffs at Gene and steps up onto the bridge] Okay.

VINNIE: [steps up onto the bridge and turns to Gene expectantly] C’mon, Gene.

GENE: [sighs then mumbles] God dammit… [slowly steps up onto the bridge]

VINNIE: [grinning at him] See, that wasn’t so hard.

GENE: Shut up, Vinnie.

[camera follows the three as they walk across the bridge, swinging their camera flashlights around. It is so dark that the only parts we can see of the bridge are what shows up in the beams of the flashlights; the rest can only be vaguely made out. Haunting music continues]

PAUL: I’ll be honest, I was kind of expecting something more… I dunno, intimidating, I guess? But no, this seems like a pretty standard bridge. [jumps up and down on it] Sturdy, too.

VINNIE: It’s a little scary, I guess. Though, the fact that we’re here when it’s nighttime probably has a factor in that. In the day time, this probably wouldn’t be scary at all.

[they reach the middle of the bridge]

GENE: Well, now that we’re on the bridge, I guess I should tell you why this bridge is so notorious.

[Vinnie nods]

PAUL: Okay. Enlighten us, Gene.

[haunting music stops. Gene stares at Paul, who looks calmly back at him]

GENE: Can you even look a little bit worried? Or just… you know what, never mind.

[Intro sequence, then title card]

[Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are now sitting on the foot of the bridge. From left to right: Gene, Vinnie, Paul]

VINNIE: This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we investigate Old Alton Bridge, aka the Goatman’s Bridge, as part of our ongoing investigation into the question, “Are ghosts real?”

GENE: [nods at the camera]

PAUL: [shakes his head at the camera]

VINNIE: [shrugs at the camera] Well, we may find out tonight. Gene?

GENE: Although that is our overall question, this bridge and the woods surrounding it are said to harbor something much more sinister than ghosts.

PAUL: [sounding maybe too light given the context] Demons!

GENE: [rolls his eyes but nods] Yeah, demons. As we’ve stated before, I will only consent to one demon episode per season, and this is that episode.

PAUL: You look pretty nervous. [looks to the camera and points at Gene] I dunno if you guys can tell, but Gene is looking pretty nervous right now. He’s just good enough of an actor that only Vinnie and I can tell.

VINNIE: I think we’re all a little nervous, to be fair. Just sitting on the foot of the bridge is making me feel slightly nervous. [pause in which he looks over at Gene and laughs] You’ve got kind of a glazed look, Genie.

GENE: I just—okay, I am getting kind of nervous. Let’s just get this over with.

PAUL: All right. Let’s get to the background stuff so we can dive right into the summoning part and see if any of us get possessed and/or murdered.

[Gene and Vinnie stare at him]

GENE: … Please don’t put it like that, Paul.

[Paul laughs]

[screen cuts away from the three to a black background with the shape of the state of Texas in white. Text and images appear on screen as Gene’s voice narrates]

GENE [voiceover]: In 1884, Old Alton Bridge was built in Denton, Texas, to connect the town of Alton to Denton. Alton was an extremely small town that consisted of only one person when it was established in 1848.

Wait, there was only one person in the entire town?

Yep.

Seriously? One person? And that was enough for it to be a town?

Yeah. One person.

*wheeze* Ha ha, that’s great.

Also, isn’t Denton the town from Rocky Horror Picture Show? The one Brad and Janet are from?

Oh yeah, it is! Oh my God, what if we did the Time Warp on the bridge?

Oh hell yeah, let’s do that!

*sigh* Dammit.

(Paul and Vinnie) Janet!

It was chosen as the legal center of Denton County. After the county seat was moved to Denton, residents of Alton moved to other towns, and Alton eventually disappeared. Today, the bridge is no longer permitted for vehicle use. But lucky for us, the bridge is available for pedestrian crossing.

*snorts* “Lucky for us”… the sarcasm.

You’re a master of sarcasm, Genie. 

--

[Paul, Gene, and Vinnie are standing by the parked car. The trunk is open, and Gene is rummaging through the contents of the trunk while Paul and Vinnie watch]

PAUL: I swear I’m not trying to scare you, Gene, but… I genuinely am getting a bad feeling about this place.

GENE: I am not listening to you, Paul.

PAUL: No, I’m actually serious this time! Vinnie, you can tell I’m serious, right?

VINNIE: I mean, I am getting kind of a bad feeling as well…

GENE: Don’t worry, guys. [straightens up] I came prepared tonight. [starts to unbuckle his belt]

VINNIE: I’m flattered, Genie, but I thought we were hunting down a demon. Plus, Paulie’s with us. And what would Shannon think?

GENE: [stops and stares at him in confusion] What would she think about… [he slowly realizes what Vinnie means] No! Not like that, Vinnie!

[Paul laughs. Vinnie smirks at Gene]  

GENE: Both of you shut up, that’s not what I meant at all! I mean I brought protection!

VINNIE: [grinning] Oh, well at least we won’t have to worry about that. I still think the setting is rather inappropriate, though.

[Paul continues to laugh]

GENE: I mean—I didn’t—shut the fuck up! This is what I’m talking about!

[Gene holds up a leather holster. In the holster is a squirt gun made of blue plastic]

PAUL: [stares at it, then bursts out laughing again] What the hell, Gene?

VINNIE: [trying not to laugh] Gene… why do you have a squirt gun?

GENE: [talking as he attaches the holster to his belt] It’s filled with holy water. I thought of it yesterday. It started out as a joke, but then I thought about it, and it’s actually a pretty good idea.

PAUL: [still laughing] You’re going to protect yourself against a dangerous demon… with a squirt gun filled with holy water?

GENE: Laugh all you want, Paul, but at least I’ll be safe from any demon that tries to sneak up on us. Just think, our backs will be turned, the demon’s sneaking up on us… [acts out this scene] I’ll just go, “Hey, guys, look at these bushes—[whirls around and whips out his squirt gun] freeze, demon!”

VINNIE: Smart.

GENE: I know, right?

--

GENE [voiceover]: Obviously, we didn’t travel all the way down to Texas to observe just a plain old bridge. What brings us to Old Alton Bridge is the meaning of its nickname, “the Goatman’s Bridge.” There are many legends of bridges acting as gateways to another realm, and perhaps this bridge is one of those gateways. Old Alton Bridge and the surrounding woods are said to harbor a dark entity: a demon, that is half-goat and half-man. The Goatman is said to have, quote, “glowing empty eyes” and goat-like horns. The reason for this entity’s existence is unknown, but has many iterations. One common story is that Satanists have carried out rituals on the bridge, that opened the door for this demon and perhaps many others.

There are actually records of people practicing rituals in the forest and on the bridge.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, so your kind of people.

My kind of—how am I a Satanist?

Because you believe in all the crap they believe in.

Yeah but—I don’t go around performing rituals to summon demons. I respect it, and stay away from it. That’s completely different.

Okay, you’re right about that. That’s fair.

You also go to the synagogue.

*snorts* Yeah, I also go to the synagogue.

GENE [voiceover]: Another popular story is that a successful African American goat farmer was lynched and hanged on the bridge by Klansmen, returning from the dead as the Goatman.

Fuckin’ assholes…

Do we know why they lynched him?

Yeah, because he was African American and he was doing better than them. That’s it. That’s why.

… Okay, fair enough.

Yeah, that’s fair.

GENE [voiceover]: If this story is true, then it would explain why the Goatman looks as it does, since once again, the African American was a goat farmer. However, there are no records of an African American goat farmer living or even existing in that area anywhere in the 1930s or in prior decades. Furthermore, if this story is true, then the Goatman would simply be the ghost of the goat farmer, instead of a demon like the Goatman has been claimed to be. Additionally, demons are preternatural beings, and therefore not human.

So you don’t think the Goatman’s the goat farmer.

Uh, no, I don’t. See, the thing is, if it was just the ghost of the goat farmer, then the Goatman would be just…

A man.

Yeah, just a man. There really wouldn’t be any reason for him to become some version of a Minotaur.

Yeah, that makes sense.

However, the fact that it’s half man and half goat makes it more likely that it’s a demon.

Plus, aren’t there medieval drawings showing Satan with goat legs?

Yeah, that too.

I just have to object to one thing you said. You said it was some version of a Minotaur.

And?

And that is a false statement. A Minotaur is half-man-half-BULL.

Oh—Oh, well excuse me—

Then it would be the BULLman.

—Mr. Greek Mythology Expert.

Paul, you don’t even think the GOATman is real, why are you so stuck on details?

I’m just trying to make sure everything that’s said is accurate.

You wouldn’t think it was real even if it WAS the Bullman.

That’s true. I wouldn’t think it’s the Bullman. I’d think it’s BullSHIT.

*laughter*

GENE [voiceover]: But tonight, our goal is not to find out why this demon exists. Tonight, our goal is to make contact and try to catch footage of this elusive and dangerous demon, as proof that it is real. We can only hope that this evidence does not come at a great cost…

--

[cut to Paul, Vinnie, and Gene walking on the bridge]

PAUL: Are there any demons here with us? Perhaps a demon formerly known as the Goatman?

VINNIE: Prince reference?

PAUL: Yeah, thanks for noticing.

GENE: Let your presence be known… say something… make a noise…

PAUL: Throw us off the bridge…

GENE: Shut up, Paul. [speaks aloud] Why are you on this bridge?

[silence]

GENE: One of you ask it something.

PAUL: Why are you on this bridge?

[Gene rolls his eyes at Paul while Vinnie snickers]

PAUL: [in a dramatic voice] Goatman! [still silence] Nothing’s happening.

VINNIE: Well, obviously.

PAUL: What if we try yelling at it?

GENE: What?

PAUL: I mean, what if we try and agitate it? To try and bring it out?

VINNIE: Like, egg it into showing itself?

PAUL: Yeah!

VINNIE: Yeah, that could work! Can I do it with you?

PAUL: Yeah, let’s do it. Gene—

GENE: I’m just gonna… gonna let you guys do it. I don’t wanna be part of what you guys are doing.

PAUL: Okay.

VINNIE: Yeah, you stay out of it, that way if anything happens to us you can call our families.

PAUL: You want to go first?

VINNIE: No, you go first.

PAUL: Okay… [a few beats of pause] Fuck you, Goatman!

GENE: Oh my God—

VINNIE: Oh, we’re just gonna go all-out? Okay, let me try. [shouts] Hey! Hey, Goatman! You’re no good, Goatman!

PAUL: You’ll never be shit!

VINNIE: You’re just like your father!

GENE: Oh for fuck’s sake—

PAUL: Goatman! [starts dancing in place] See that? I’m dancing on your bridge!

GENE: Paul!

VINNIE: [also starts dancing] We’re dancing on your bridge because we don’t believe in you! Fuck you, Goatman!

PAUL: This is our bridge now! We claim this bridge for ourselves!

GENE: Jesus Christ, we’re gonna die—

VINNIE: You want us off this bridge? You’re gonna have to kill us! Whatcha gonna do, throw us off the bridge?

GENE: He did throw someone off the bridge once.

PAUL: Nah, he’s not gonna throw us off the bridge, y’know why? [shouts] ‘Cause he’s a CHICKEN! [starts clucking like a chicken]

GENE: I swear to God, both of you…

VINNIE: Paulie, c’mere. [they start doing a tango] See that, Goatman? We’re dancing on your bridge!

PAUL: We disrespect your bridge, Goatman!

GENE: Oh, for Christ’s sake—he’s taking names right now, you two.

PAUL: You ain’t shit, Goatman! We own your bridge now!

VINNIE: You hear that, Goatman?

PAUL: Me, Vinnie Vincent, and Gene Simmons own your bridge!

GENE: Paul, don’t you dare loop me into your shit. Stop it.

PAUL: Well, tell him you’re not part of it!

GENE: [speaks aloud] I’m not part of this! Okay? They’re just being assholes.

PAUL: You’re talking to Goatman now. [Paul and Vinnie grin at him]

GENE: … You son of a bitch—

VINNIE: Goatman entrapment, Genie, you’ve been caught. [high-fives Paul] Goatman!

GENE: Guys, stop it.

PAUL: This is our bridge now, Goatman! [Paul and Vinnie continue dancing and jumping up and down on the bridge]

GENE: I swear to God, you two—

VINNIE: They’re gonna write OUR names in graffiti!

GENE: If something appears and kills you, I’m not giving your eulogies.

PAUL: People will come here and tell tales of US!

PAUL and VINNIE: What do ya say to that, Goatman?

[silence]

GENE: I hate you both.

--

GENE [voiceover]: People have reported a growling voice telling them to “get off the bridge.” One person said that after he and his friend heard the voice, he ran off the bridge while his friend stayed. He then watched as his friend was seemingly dragged off the bridge and thrown into the river below. People have also heard hooves following them across the bridge, as if they were being chased off. It’s often said that the Goatman can be conjured by knocking three times on the bridge.

--

[on the bridge, Gene goes up to one side of the bridge and hesitantly raises a fist]

GENE: All right. I’m gonna… knock three times on the bridge… and we’ll see what happens.

PAUL: What if the Goatman bites your hand off?

GENE: Paul—

PAUL: And then he stuffs it in your mouth and makes you eat it?

[Gene and Vinnie stare at him]

VINNIE: … What the fuck, Paul?

PAUL: What? He might do that. He’s a demon.

GENE: Fuck you, Paul. You’re making this worse.

PAUL: Fine, sorry.

GENE: [turns back to the side of the bridge] Okay… here we go…

[Gene knocks on the side of the bridge three times. They all stand back]

GENE: Now it’s said that when you do that, you can see his glowing eyes. [glances around]

PAUL: [laughing] What a load of horseshit…

VINNIE: Quiet, Paul.

[silence. Nothing happens]

GENE: Well, I’m not doing it again. Either of you want to?

VINNIE: [shrugs] I’ll do it. [goes up to the side and knocks three times. Steps back.]

[silence again. Nothing happens]

VINNIE: All right, Paul, now you do it.

[Paul goes up to the side and raises his fist. Then he stops and looks around in a theatrical way]

GENE: For fuck’s sake, Paul, just do it!

PAUL: [shrugs] Hey, Goatman! [knocks three times]

[silence again. All three look around. The camera passes over parts of the bridge]

PAUL: You know, if you want me off this bridge, you’re gonna have to throw me off.

[still silence. Nothing happens. There is a long stretch in which none of them move or speak]

GENE: Okay, we’re done with that. Let’s go into the woods.

VINNIE: We’re going into the woods?

GENE: Yep. Let’s go.

[they all turn and start to walk off the bridge. Paul turns around and looks out into the darkness]

PAUL: We’ll be back, Goatman. After all, this is our bridge now.

VINNIE: Yeah, remember that, Goatman.

GENE: Would you both shut up?

PAUL: That’s how you get them to come out, Gene.

GENE: That’s not how you get them to come out, that’s how you get them to kill you.

PAUL: Assuming you don’t kill me first, right?

GENE: Exactly.

To be continued in Part 2!

[turkleader]

Drinks and Old Rumors

Part 1 of 7 Written for FFVII Halloween Week 2019.

Prompt: October 26th - Scary Stories [ghost stories, old legends, tales of the supernatural, creepypasta]

Summary: It's Halloween week and the Turks are shooting the shit at 7th Heaven when an old rumor about Tseng rises from its uneasy grave.

Description: This is the first piece in a multi-part story that follows Tseng (and those he encounters) over the course of seven days. I took inspiration mostly from the "old legends" and "tales of the supernatural" parts of this prompt, but tried to make it a more lighthearted experience to start the week off with. I hope you enjoy this little piece, and happy Samhain and Halloween to all who celebrate!

👻

A note before we begin: In case anyone is unfamiliar with the official names given to the Before Crisis Turks, I’ve included them here at the beginning of the story for reference. I hope this helps!

Rod (Male) - Alvis Crisis Gun (Female) - Emma (Elena’s older sister) Two Guns (Male) - Ruluf Shotgun (Female) - Freyra Martial Arts (Male) - Maur

Enjoy the story!

“I bet you Elena could take your ass three out of five times, at least, easy.”

The redhead scoffed, laughing. “Yo, I ain't about t'take a bet like that.”

“Come on!” the light-haired brunette goaded. Her thick ponytail almost fell into her drink as she leaned forward across the counter of the 7th Heaven bar, grinning past comrades new and old. “Why not?”

“Yeah,” Elena chimed in, a cunning smirk spreading across her face as she repositioned to face Reno. “Why not?”

“Rigged,” a dark-haired man with sharp bangs muttered.

The bald man beside him nodded.

“Oh, you're absolutely no fun, Ruluf!” the ponytailed woman pouted. “And neither are you, Rude!”

“I mean, it doesn't make sense for him to take an unfair bet, Freyra,” a large, well-built man with short brown hair spoke up.

“There it is,” Ruluf said, pointing at Maur.

“Since when does the Reno of the Turks turn down a challenge?!” Freyra exclaimed, jaw slack and brow raised in an attractive taunt.

“Oh, it's a challenge now?” Reno shot back. “An' who's footing the bill if I win?”

“If...” Rude emphasized quietly.

Ruluf sighed and laid his face down on the bar.

“Sounds like Reno's buying me my next drink if he knows what's good for him,” Elena said, her expression smug.

“And he shouldn't be the only one,” Freyra declared with a giggle, tossing back her drink.

“I'm beginnin' t'remember why I don't make bets with you, yo,” Reno said, flipping off Elena and Freyra as he turned away to flag down the bartender.

“Don't put your mouth where you're not ready to put your gil,” Freyra winked.

“Wait, you guys are serious?” the bartender interrupted, setting down another drink for the ladies. Her intense ruby eyes flickered between Freyra and Elena as she hurriedly lifted a hand in apology. “No offense meant, Elena, but I didn't know you had that kind of reputation in the Turks.”

Elena opened her mouth to respond but a new arrival cut her off.

“Are we discussing our win-loss records?”

A blonde woman with a stunning resemblance to Elena took a seat at the bar, giving Tifa a knowing smile as she motioned for her regular.

“Emma!” a scattered chorus rang out from the gathered Turks.

“Big sis!” Elena exclaimed with warmer surprise than she used to bear her elder sibling.

“Hey guys. Hey sis,” Emma greeted as Tifa playfully rolled her eyes and went to grab her drink. “So? What mischief are we getting up to tonight?”

“Trading drinks for bets,” Maur supplied with a wave, a shrug, and a smile.

“So is Ruluf winning or losing?” Emma asked with a slight smile, thanking Tifa for her drink and using the fresh glass to indicate the dual gunner with his face planted against the countertop.

“Losing,” Tifa put in with a half-amused, half-exasperated smile.

“How was I supposed to know the rookie had a black belt or whatever and was hand-raised by Tseng?!”

“Really?!” Tifa exclaimed, looking at Elena with a new respect.

“An' this is why our slumdog lost almost every bet he took,” Reno declared and stole Ruluf's drink, tossing back a swig.

“You really should know better than to underestimate a Turk,” Freyra chipped in as Rude nodded.

“Especially my sister,” Emma joined the discussion, shaking her head.

“You'd think he'd get the hint after betting against me five times.” Elena shot a withering glare at Ruluf.

“...wait,” Emma began.

“Yep!” Reno added brightly, finishing off Ruluf's drink. “He finally made the right choice the sixth time!”

Ruluf lifted his head, forehead and nose red from where they'd pressed against the counter. “Again, how was I supposed to know?!” he demanded, irritated.

“Tseng wasn't the only one looking out for her,” Rude said.

“She had our undivided attention after you all went dark.” Reno puffed out his chest, looking proud.

“Hey, I aced all my intro and advanced training, and all my exams but one, and that was without your help!” Elena reminded, flushing at the attention despite her best efforts.

“Yeah, well— I don't think anyone'll question yer commitment to seeing the mission through t'the end these days,” Reno said. His voice sounded strange, but every member of the Turks—retired and active—knew what he meant.

A thick silence settled upon the group.

Concerned stares glanced their way. Hushed voices began to brew between the patrons. They didn't need to hear the conversations to know what was being said— 'Hellhounds of Shinra. Death dealers. Murderers.'

Some people had begun to forgive them.

...but it was all too soon to forget.

“Alright Em,” Freyra spoke up at last, pushing past the heaviness that had pulled them each into their own familiar hell. “Who's the one Turk you wouldn't want to go up against?”

Emma didn't hesitate.

“Tseng,” she said.

“Aw, c'mon Em!” Reno groaned.

“What!” she said, raising her voice slightly to be heard above the sudden influx of bar patrons coming in after the dinner hour. “Would any of you want to fight him?”

“It's no fun choosing the immortal,” Ruluf said, nodding his thanks to Barret's daughter as she brought him a refill on his drink while Tifa was busy with the new crowd.

“Immortal?” Marlene asked, brown eyes sparkling with curiosity as she paused in the middle of taking away the Turks' empty glasses.

“Don't tease Marlene like that,” Elena chastised.

“It's not that much of a stretch,” Reno said, shrugging. “He should've been dead how many times?”

“For all we knew... he was dead—dead more times than any person has the right to come back from,” Ruluf stated, ire lost from his voice.

“Maybe it's true then,” Freyra confided, eyes shining.

“Oh boy,” Elena sighed.

“Not this again, Frey,” Maur protested gently.

The hunter folded her arms and leaned across the bar counter, a mischievous curve to her lips as she beckoned Marlene into her confidence.

“There's an old, old rumor that Tseng made a deal with Death—a deal Death couldn't refuse,” Freyra whispered ominously.

“Yeah, the same one Veld did,” Reno scoffed.

“I heard it happened before he joined Shinra,” Emma remarked. “That he swore an oath to one of Wutai's deities so he could cross the ocean to get to Midgar.”

“And that's why he can't die?” Marlene inquired, brows furrowed as she puzzled over each suggestion, empty glasses forgotten.

“It's all just rumors and supposition,” Maur assured the young girl, but even he sounded doubtful.

“Isn't he able to pull that shit off 'cause of the Full Cure materia Veld gave him back when he was a rookie?” Ruluf questioned.

“Nah, there were times he didn't get the chance to use it and still survived,” Reno dismissed.

“The Temple,” Rude clarified, tone solemn.

“Shit,” Ruluf cursed under his breath. “Forgot about that.”

Elena bit her lip and suddenly grew very interested in her drink.

“It's not all that unusual for the Turks to have those experiences though,” Emma noted, trying to steer the conversation away from the sensitive topic. “Remember when Alvis fell into a coma only to wake up three years later?”

“Yeah, and Freyra almost put him back into it when she nearly hugged him to death,” Reno taunted.

“You're just mad 'cause I got to mess with him before you did,” she retorted, sticking out her tongue at him.

“I think it was the one-two punch of Cissnei and then you right afterwards that really got him,” Emma observed, trying to suppress a smile.

“What about Vincent?” Marlene suggested, catching the group's attention. “He used to be a Turk. My dad told me when they found him he had been asleep for decades. And Cloud says because of the experiments that were done to him that he might never grow old or die.”

“Shit,” Ruluf laughed, more out of surprise than humor.

Rude cracked a small smile. “Someone's got us all figured out.”

Marlene wasn't deterred.

“Did they do experiments on Tseng, too?” she asked. “Is that why you guys keep coming up with stories to cover up the truth?”

“S'far as I know, he's a hundred percent real human being, untampered,” Reno said.

“Tseng was out for a while too after what happened in the Temple,” Elena said, finally finding her voice again.

“That wouldn't explain everything that he'd miraculously survived before then,” Maur said.

“A'ight, Rude,” Reno interrupted, turning to his partner. “This might be a long shot, but d'ya think it might be his other materia that's gotten him through all that shit?”

“What materia?” Maur asked, confused but curious.

“Ohhh we're getting into those goodies now?!” Freyra exclaimed. “I thought that was just talk!”

“Nah, it's real,” Reno confirmed. “At least, the materia is. I dunno if what they say about it and Tseng's true though.”

“What materia?” Maur repeated. “This is the first I've heard of it.”

“Tseng wields an Enemy Skill materia,” Rude said.

“Mastered,” Reno revealed.

“Holy...!” Maur uttered.

“Yep, there it is!” Freyra exclaimed.

“What the shit?” Ruluf scoffed. “First of all, how is that possible? Don't some of the enemy abilities you need to learn to master that materia kill the person upon casting?”

“Yep,” Reno said.

“Then it's not possible,” Ruluf decided.

“...unless he's ~immortal~,” Freyra sang from her end of the bar, grinning.

“Actually, there is an enemy skill that can be gained through use of the Manipulate materia that prevents Death magic from having any effect on the user,” Maur informed. “Perhaps this is how he's been able to master the materia and escape from so many fatal situations?”

“Maur!” Freyra shouted. “You are seriously the worst! Stop ruining my fun with your facts!”

“A mastered Enemy Skill would go a long way in helping someone to stay alive,” Emma considered.

“Maybe the bastard's just lucky,” Ruluf declared and took a long swig from his glass.

“Is this someone I should know about?” a new voice suddenly broke through the group's discussion.

Turning, they found the devil himself had arrived, amusement warming his grey gaze as he joined them. But before anyone could respond, Marlene planted a hand on the counter and stared the Turk down.

“Are you an immortal?” she asked him matter-of-factly.

Tseng raised a brow as his Turks looked between him and his interrogator.

“Not that I'm aware of,” he answered, approaching the bar.

“So you didn't make any blood oaths to any demons or gods?” Marlene pressed.

The warmth in his eyes flickered. The beginnings of a smile edged across the corner of his lips, but there was no joy in it.

“No, though sometimes it feels that way,” he confessed.

Marlene nodded, considering his answers. She lifted a finger.

“One more question,” she said.

The gathered Turks held their breaths, waiting.

“Do you guys wanna join our Halloween movie marathon night tomorrow?”

The disappointment was explosive.

Tseng laughed as his coworkers fell into grumbled and mirthful exclamations.

Marlene threw them a look, and then continued as though nothing had interrupted her. “We're hosting one all day tomorrow here in 7th Heaven, and I think you guys should come. It'll be fun!”

Tseng inclined his head in gratitude, a true smile crossing his features.

“I have a few things to handle for work tomorrow, but I will try to be there,” he said.

“I'm sure you'll make it,” Marlene said and promptly headed into the kitchen.

Tseng looked after her before turning away, shaking his head softly.

“Yo, bossman! You're late so you're buying the next round!” Reno shouted.

“Whoohoo! Drinks on Tseng!” Freyra cheered.

“To the immortal, lying bastard!” Ruluf joined in.

“Cheers!” the Turks toasted him.

[End]

[the-desolated-quill]

Rosa - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

It comes as a massive relief to say that I really enjoyed this episode. There are a number of ways Rosa could have gone wrong and while Chris Chibnall has managed to crank out two surprisingly good Doctor Who episodes so far, it’s hard to shake off old fears. Oh my God, I thought to myself, a historical episode about Rosa Parks and the Black Civil Rights Movement. Is Chibnall biting off more than he can chew? 

Thankfully Chibnall had the good sense to hire a co-writer that can keep his white privilege in check. Malorie Blackman. Author of the critically acclaimed Noughts and Crosses series of books depicting an alternative reality where Africans developed a technological advantage over Europeans and where white people are segregated under this world’s version of the Jim Crow laws. It’s safe to say that Blackman knows a thing or two about exploring racism and, being a black woman, she’s much more qualified to talk about issues of race and to represent Rosa Parks and the Civil Rights Movement as a whole than Chibnall is. The result is, without a shadow of a doubt, some of the best Doctor Who I’ve seen in years.

One thing I’m glad about is the way Rosa Parks is depicted. Historical stories (particularly New Who historical stories) have an unfortunate tendency to go completely over the top with it. It’s just not enough to have a character who played a significant part in human history. Oh no. They’ve also got to be the specialist, most important person in the whole wide universe. The result is that we’re often left with a wafer thin episode that completely romanticises the period of history the story is trying to depict, waters down all the more complicated and unsavoury parts of the historical setting and turns the famous historical figure into a shallow caricature of themselves (see Agatha Christie in Unicorn And The Wasp, Winston Churchill in Victory Of The Daleks and Vincent Van Gogh in Vincent And The Doctor). Rosa, thankfully, doesn’t fall into the same trap. Rosa Parks isn’t treated as a god among mortals. She’s treated like an ordinary person, thus making her actions that much more powerful.

Vinette Robinson (who appeared in a previous Chibnall penned story 42) does an incredible job playing Rosa Parks. Again, more emphasis is placed on how ordinary she is rather than how historically significant. Nowadays we of course view her as the genesis of the Black Civil Rights Movement and she has rightly been praised and immortalised for that, but it’s easy to forget that she was a real person behind the legacy, which is what the episode really delves into. We get to see her fear, sadness and frustration in this oppressive society. And it really brings home how mundane her actions really are. Sure we can see from hindsight how her actions would influence others and change the course of history, but she wasn’t some heroic freedom fighter taking a stand. She was a woman who just wanted to sit down on a bus after a hard day at work. And the fact that she, Martin Luther King and other black people actually had to fight for the right to do something so trivial is utterly ridiculous.

Some have criticised the episode saying that this is too heavy a subject matter to deal with at 7pm on a Sunday evening. I couldn’t disagree more. For one thing, this isn’t the first time Doctor Who has handled difficult subject matters (Nazism and genocide have frequently cropped up in past stories after all). But I think the criticism mostly stems from people (white people) being left feeling uncomfortable by the story and are trying to avoid having a serious conversation about it NRA style, claiming that this isn’t the right time for it. Well... when is it the right time? Nobody wants to have this conversation, sure, but we’ve still got to have it. And as uncomfortable viewing as it is, it’s important that it is not sugar-coated and that we’re reminded of how difficult things were for non-white people so that shit like this never happens again. So no, I didn’t think the use of violence against black people or racially charged language up to and including the n word were inappropriate. It was an accurate depiction of the environment at the time and if you felt uncomfortable by that, then congratulations, that’s precisely what you’re supposed to feel.

In fact I honestly thought the episode’s depiction of violence against black people was quite restrained, making the acts of discrimination that much more despicable in my eyes. Using gratuitous violence would have been a cheap shot and Chibnall and Blackman mercifully avoid that route. What makes the episode so chilling to watch isn’t the things that white people do, but rather the oppressive atmosphere they create. It’s not the arrogant tosspot slapping Ryan across the face for touching his wife’s glove that had me on edge. It was the scene after that where everyone is just silently staring at the TARDIS crew in the cafe that really made me feel queasy. The threat is implied, yet constant, which is infinitely scarier. After the likes of Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss boasting about how their episodes were going to be ‘the scariest Doctor Who stories ever’ only for them to amount to a hodge-podge of tired horror cliches and a dumb monster going ‘boo’, it’s a relief to see writers take a more subtle ‘less is more’ approach. I’m sorry, but the bus driver glaring angrily at Rosa is much more terrifying than a Weeping Angel. Period.

Which brings me to Krasko, played with smug charm by Joshua Bowman who succeeds at making you want to reach through the screen and punch his racist face repeatedly. Again, some have criticised the episode for its ‘one dimensional villain’ and, again, it only seems to be white people making this criticism. Not to make sweeping generalisations here, but non-white fans seem to be largely happy with how Krasko was written and depicted, probably because they’ve had to deal with pricks like him at least once in their lives. I’m guessing the source of the criticism comes from him not having a backstory or concrete motivation other than he hates black people. But my response to that is... does he really need one? Would Krasko have really been a more interesting character if it was revealed that he was bullied in school or a black kid had stolen his My Little Pony lunchbox? Does there really need to be a reason for why he hates black people and wants to ‘put them in their place’? I would have thought him being a racist white person would have been enough reason to hate him frankly. Let’s not forget what happened when Star Wars and Marvel respectively gave their villains Kylo Ren and Kilgrave tragic backstories to provide context for their despicable actions, at which point the fans proceeded to romanticise the fuck out of them, calling them misunderstood. Maybe (and this is just my opinion) giving Krasko a backstory wouldn’t have made him more interesting, but instead would have been seen as an attempt to justify and excuse his shitty behaviour, and maybe, just maybe, we’re better off without one. Just a thought.

Besides, it’s not as if we don’t learn anything about Krasko. We’re given enough information to work with. He’s a time traveller from the future. He was put in prison for murdering two thousand people (quick side note, did anyone else laugh when the Doctor said the Stormcage was the most secure prison in the universe? Remind me, how many times did River Song break out again?). He’s clearly intelligent, as demonstrated by him coming up with a non-violent plan to ruin the lives of generations of non-white people in order to circumvent his neural inhibitors. While it’s never overtly mentioned, he’s clearly some future version of the alt-right and is there to act as an extension of the true villain of the story. Because that’s the thing the people criticising his character have overlooked. Krasko isn’t the villain. White people are. The society Rosa Parks lives in is the true villain. Krasko is there not just to get to the plot going, but also to subtly demonstrate that while things do get better for non-white citizens, there will always be that racist element within our society. Hell, Ryan and Yasmin even spell it out for you in their conversation whilst hiding from the police. While people like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King made a huge impact and helped change things for the better, racism and prejudice hasn’t just magically gone away. It’s still around. There are still people who cling on to these extremist and bigoted views. Some might argue that racism has become so entrenched in Western society that it will never fully go away. That there will always be some remnant hanging around. That’s what Krasko represents. So if you thought he was a rubbish villain because he had ‘no backstory or motivation’ then I’m afraid you’ve completely missed the point.

I should also applaud Chibnall and Blackman for resisting the urge to shove in some pointless alien like other historicals have. Not only would that have distracted from Rosa’s story, the racist white people are scary enough thank you very much. While there are sci-fi elements in here, the episode quite rightfully focuses on people.

Speaking of people, let’s talk about the TARDIS crew. Yeah! They’re in this episode too! Haven’t really talked about them much, have I? The Doctor largely takes a backseat in this one, which I know some people have a problem with, but I think it was the right thing to do. We don’t want an alien white woman coming in and stealing Rosa Parks’ glory. Jodie Whittaker graciously lets Vinette Robinson take centre stage while she busies herself with other things like confronting and intimidating Krasko and organising fake raffles with Frank Sinatra. I really like the balance they’ve struck between light and dark with this Doctor (something Moffat tried to do with Peter Capaldi’s Doctor and failed at miserably). She’s funny, compassionate and caring, but there’s a little bit of Sylvester McCoy’s devious cunning in there too, which really comes to the forefront here. Did anyone else find it really disconcerting seeing the Doctor try to maintain history? Influencing events so that Rosa Parks had no choice, but to give up (or refuse to give up) her seat. While we know she’s doing it for the right reasons, in order to keep black history in check, she’s still nonetheless actively contributing to Rosa’s misery, which is actually a clever way of exploring how white people all contribute to a racist status quo, directly, indirectly, intentionally and unintentionally. And of course it all culminates in the Doctor and co refusing to give up their seats in order to keep history intact. The look on Thirteen’s face as events unfold says it all. The look of sheer sadness and self loathing, knowing she played a part in this, is haunting. Same goes for Graham’s realisation. The widower of a black woman and step-grandfather to a black teenager being forced to contribute to this racist institution is utterly heartbreaking.

But the standout of the main cast has to be Ryan. Tosin Cole truly shines in this episode, giving an incredibly powerful and moving performance. This in many ways is his episode as he comes face to face with the racist prejudices of the time period and Cole rises to the occasion. My favourite scene has to be when Ryan talks with Rosa, thanking her for everything she will do in the future and promising that things will get better. It’s incredibly emotional and I actually started tearing up with him. I’m also so happy that he was the one that got to beat Krasko at the end rather than the Doctor. I stood up and cheered. And his reaction to seeing Martin Luther King has got to be one of the most charming moments of the series so far.

Rosa is unquestionably one of the strongest episodes in all of Doctor Who. It’s incredibly well written and performed and it’s extremely powerful as well as being very subtle and nuanced. What’s more, I’m now completely sold on Chris Chibnall being the showrunner. Any lingering doubts I’ve may have had are now completely evaporated after this episode. Rosa proves that not only does Chibnall respect and value diversity both in front of and behind the camera, but that he’s also committed to creating something truly special with his tenure, using the Doctor Who format to explore hard hitting and difficult subject matters with care and respect. Truly excellent television.

[ramblingshit]

Fright Night - 1985 - 3.5/5

Highly oversimplified fun ‘modern’ teen adventure book-style take on Dracula - i think?

i am having a fuckking awful night please let this be half okay at least funny like please. right we have some poor audio. tom holland is here? some chick is going on about how much she likes the dark - she’s mina? pale, red lips peeps are making out - it’s just someone squeaking their lips together and then letting go lmao wtf - it’s a tv show about vampires lol this acting is amazing i think its supposed to be he literally just went after her with the blunt end of the stake damn. some more squeaking kisses gross. kids making out, peter vincent is on TV or some shit. boyfriend has wandering hands and she’s told him twice to stop and now he’s bitching at her for not letting him feel her up and then she apologises? excuse me? and now he’s guilted her into doing it? oh damn that’s a nice chocolate coffin where’d he get those binoculars ahaha oh yikes that girl is not ready and now he’s ignoring her oh what is happening. mum’s getting involved. he wanted to fuck she didn’t then she wanted to fuck and he was distracted by some guys carrying a coffin into the basement of the house next door. he’s so distracted he’s completely ignoring his girlfriend.oh damn he pissed off his friend too this guy seems like a dumbass. ew gross oh my god she’s dressed like a prostitute what is that blue thing and the opaque beige hosiery is horrific. it’s funny at this point lots of these clothes are coming back into fashion. then there are those of course that must die and stay dead. damn a big ol scream from the house next door and a light went out. fuckin hell he wait she’s apologising for his  dumbass and said it’s her fault and he’s like yeah i suppose it was like what. i know this is supposed to be like this like he’s clearly supposed to be a terrible boyfriend but fuck he is barely pretending to care about her - he said ‘i love you’ and she’s gooing all over him. now he’s ignoring her again and here’s his weird looking friend who thinks its hilarious oh my god she slapped a hamburger cheese onion and tomato hamburger patty on his face disgusting but damn he deserves it. whoop a guy in the basement just saw this kid snooping - is he seriously just gonna open this guy’s basement doors unsurprisingly dude came and snapped at him like wtf you think you’re doing. he’s obsessed with this house all of the sudden? eating chips at his window with his binoculars. now asleep in that chair and hot damn there’s a couple about to fuck  and tittiiiiiieesssssss. oh damn mate is a vampire looking straight at the kid through the window. just staring. then closes the window with long ass fingers with long yellow nails. just woke his mum up like ma new guys a vampire and she’s like fuck off and he’s sneaking about outside what the hell is this kid on. oh they’re carrying out bodies in garbage bags and what i think they’re trying to show they’ve got sick powers or something there’s this synth beat in the background those are the largest collar flap things i’ve ever seen and that red scarf is sick a lot is happening bro red scarf dude just caught annoying kid charlie spying at them from the hedges. oh shit he’s screaming at his mother and his girlfriend what an ass - Amy is obsessed with their relationship, Mum thinks he’s having a nightmare. he’s the dumbass in the horror movie - running around screaming, telling everyone the guys a vampire killing people getting the police involved like dumbass what teh fuck this is gonna be embarrassing you think if they really are vampires they’re gonna be dumb enough to let themselves get caught. oh what he’s yelling again and interesting there’s a painting of a blonde version of Amy. is this dracula 1980s version. the house is all cobwebs and old timey shit. dumbass getting screamed at by the cop for screaming about his neighbour being a vampire he’s got no evidence but just keeps screaming. you deserve to die like 0% self-preservation skills m8. is he racing home no to his friend’s house his weird friend who’s somewhat more mental than this dumbass - give him eight bucks to tell him how to protect himself from a vampire attack he’s listing off stereotypical shit but i doubt any of this will be legit they all like dangling those and scoffing at them. he’s nailing his window shut but hey guess who mum’s invited innnnnnnnnn ahahahahahahah lol oh damn who sits in a chair like that well hello bruce banner hot edition. hm his fingers look normal now. aahahhaha oh fuck he out here telling charlie he wouldnt have come to visit unless he had been invited and now that he had been he would be over whenever he liked. charlie the dumbass is not trying to hide how terrified he is out here backing away, eyes wide, shaking, Jerry the vampire just staring at him. 'see ya! soon.’ scrambling up the stairs - like just mayyyyybe you shouldn’t have immediately done all you can to piss off the guy you think is a vampire. cause now he’s on your roof. i can’t believe his name is Jerry. this is so 80s. this music man. who chills in a button up shirt all tucked in . is that a mouse? or the trees scratching oh shit jerry’s after the mum. or not. oh fuck there’s no reflection in the mirror and he just broke her door? oooop he’s in dumbass’ roommmm or is he - yep he was hiding in the closet???? is this a metaphor??? howdily hoodily. oh damn yeeted him into his closet. they’re not giving bruce banner very good camera angles. we’re only 30 minutes in and he and the vampire are chilling out, being held up by his throat - ohh broody vampire time. bruce no don’t throw him out the window that’s so obviousoh but damn there’s he’s gonna stake him with a pencil ahaha what oh fuck nosferatu time damn all because of a pencil fuck that is not sexy. he looks like a lord of the rings troll. they both look hella nervous that mum’s knocking on the door. he threatened to kill him, offered him a choice for them to forget each other, he said nah, he tried to kill him, he stabbed him with a pencil, then he roared all scary and buggered off. odd. now he’s just sat down and watched some–dracula ahaha he’s watching dracula? now he’s calling him up ahaha staring at him through the window calling him up on the phone. 'you started this - im gonna finish it!’ like calm down vampire man the boy is a dumbass. this is cheesy but like okay. he legit seems like a proper dumbass teenager kid all overexcited and dramatic and learning all he knows from TV oh damn he’s like a school shooter, wife beater kinda kid though. ahah shitting on friday the 13th calm down that’s a good movie. does this peter vincent actually believe in vampires cause this kid is hoping he does - he’s got those brown elbowed jacket how old is this high school aged kid. ejesus what the fuck is that moped holy shit. white sneakers that blue knitwear holy shit what the fuck what the fuck charlie dead eyes, monotone sitting in his bedroom he’s filled with religious paraphernalia, dozens of candles and stacks of wood he’s carving into stakes - his GF and friend come in like yo wtf m8 what is all this - he just shrugs and tells em he’s gonna go next door and stab the neighbour. um what the fuck jesus hes crazy he’s weird friend who can’t act thinks so too and eyy the peter vincent late night show is called 'Fright Night’ and the weird kid just said their situation is just like 'Fright Night’ and guess what this movie is called – this is pretty intense like how am I supposed to be taking this is it funny, is it dramatic? this kid looks like he’s gonna pass out he’s having some sort of episode. 'hey amy, you don’t believe me do you.’ 'i love you charlie.’ hm vincent knows whats up amy and weird kid go to see him to help their crazy friend and he’s like oh yeah that insane kid he needs a psychiatrist yo ahaha gets fired gets an eviction notice refuses to help the kids cause he’s very busy about to get rich she’s like i’ll pay you - how much he asks immediately - she tells him—i’ll take it, no hesitation ahaha we’re not even half in? oh damn vincent is in love with his acting i think his shows used to be a lot more popular and now he’s sad and fading and ey its bruce banner all bedraggled they literally called him up to ask if they could go over with dumbass and prove to him brucey boy is not a vampire he thinks its hilarious like damn just calling up vampires and shit i love it so casual like he’s just a neighbour not all heavy handed but needs a little less cheese but eh who can find a golden middle did he just eat a banana. holy hot damn her outfit - he’s outfit, holy shit vincent is here all in his role dressed as the vampire killer, performing for dumbass - damn the house does look appropriately spooky tho god this kid doesn’t shut up they all just wandering into the vampire’s house - Charlie gets a special greeting and here is ol mate all dramatic in a fucking turtleneck please kill me. he’s eating food again? whoop amy and bruce banner just had a moment she’s so pretty but her hair is so fukn eighties and now he’s kissing her hand and she’s giggling and biting her lip 'oh god, he’s neat!’ he didn’t drink that he totally used a tricky magic trick dunno how but he didn’t drink that. Charlie isn’t wrong - pulled out a cross and Bruce Banner jumped back and his jim carrey lackey stepped forward and Banner is threatening his friends like fuck off - 'so you’re finally convinced im not a vampire?’ *completely insincerely, through his teeth* 'yes.’ oh damn all was well then vincent saw he had no reflection - let’s call the police! broody vampire time oh damn found some glass from the mirror. lol that’s the creepiest alley 'pencil dick’ 'chicken shit’ nice. ahaha weird kid giving him shit 'fruitcake’ i hope he leaves him alone like surely its in his best interest to leave the guys who are convinced he’s not a vampire to live? the way he’s dragging amy around is pretty messed. it doesn’t make sense for the weird kid to die. like he doesn’t believe mate is a vampire. but now he will so? that trenchcoat is horrific the shoulders are like double his width he’s just slow walking toward him while weird kid is scrambling about tripping over rubbish but now he’s trappeeddddd #leaveweirdkidalone  oh damn nvm he’s bruce banner’s redfield and he’s going under the trenchcoat, pressed to banner’s chest. we’re only halfway through where is this all going. oh ahaha they’re doing the lets run as fast as we can and ol mate keeps strolling out in front of us and now they’re in a bar oh god now he’s calling the police. whoop oh damn weird kid’s a vampire ahahahahahahaha oh shit leather jacket fucked up hair jerky movements - oh damn just took a cross to the face - can still cry human tears sweating like crazy, yellow eyes, crosses fuck em up and out the window he go ahaha lol he’s calling the cops a fucking gain god he’s so rough with her now bruce banner s in the club god he’s really not that attractive like at all - he’s got a good brow and hair but that’s it. he’s not intimidating, he doesn’t stand out holy fuck that lady in red - the platinum blonde. just strolling closer and closer, left to right right to left and dumbass is just on the phone and Amy is like hell yeah licking her lips his lower jaw is like broken the way it moves. He didn’t have to touch her for her to stop she’s in a daze under his spell and he knows she can’t escape it, rubbing her hand on his ass lol what the fuck putting his on her’s oh he pulled back her collar and went to bite and she jerked back but not in a scared more like a fuck off now what you thinkin boii challenge eyes uh oh both of their collarbones are exposed and my god she’s tiny and making out with his chest and what the fuck oh just on her knees thought she was going down on him in the middle of the club dumbass is all upset that the girl he’s been dragging around and leading on and treating badly is chilling in the arms of a vampire who, if nothing else, is indeed more handsome than dumbass but at the same time he’s a vampire and I think Amy is in highschool so that makes her what?? oh fuck bruce banner killed the two black bouncers in front of the whole club now there’s chaooooos people screaming  amy and charlie separated in the crowd, bruce banner scoops her up 'AAAAMYYYY’ stretches a hand out dramatically toward her damn weird kid got weirder ahaha what is happening this is actually really great. god he’s whiny. it’s so good. people are fucking calling the police left right and now dumbass has finally figured they won’t believe him or help him. oh lil mate peter vincent is like a proper good actor where did they get him amongst these screaming children. 'amy is gonna die, me too probably’ lol this writing oh damn she wakes on a fur blanket in front of a fire in a white dress that permed hair is so fucked there’s paintings of pretty ladies all around and one of them is blonde amy and there he is with his shirt unbuttoned pants buckled up to the navel like damn, dark hair all ruffled - hs head is too big for his shoulders ew what is this kiss she’s shaking with fear, he is like almost crying for some reason and now she’s okay and taking her titties out and coming after him  and here’s some weird slow kissing and damn he bit her damn wouldn’t you fuck first? fkn charlie in his professor jacket snooping about in the shadows with a big ugly gold cross on that house is perfectly spooky holy shit peter scared the fuck outta me damn he got a box of 'props’ which will actually work, got a gun to take care of billy or whatever, his human buddy they wanna sneak in but the front door opened for them oh damn don’t let anything happen to peter he’s precious. it’s like reading a teen adventure story - good simple but memorable characters, good story with lots going on, not deep or thought-inducing just a fun time  now here’s bruce 'welcome to Fright Night’ all chill just standing there in like a priest’s shirt? no bruce leave vincent alone. oh what the fuck making a weird moaning noise as he backs away from the cross - #leavevincentalone oh fuck weird kid is terrifying  wtf now he’s a wolf demon wolf ruff ruff puppyy oh shit he stabbed the puppy and it yeeted over the banister hit the chandelier and holy fuck that is the worst puppeteering attempt or whatever the fuck they’re going for ever - its a plush toy twitching out and now ewwwww what the fuck is that i thought vampires were vampires not like weird wolf gremlin things - its slowly dying with this stake in it, all thin fingers, whines, and cries holy shit this is taking a while. vincent is crying and holy shit its just weird kid crying with a big table leg in him and now he’s dead holy shit and the cross mark healed and he’s naked. bruce is oh fuck Amy is a vampire —“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ the drama. can you imagine walking into someone’s house and there’s a naked dead kid with a table-leg through his chest on the foyer floor. the house is pouring out dry ice and green lazer lights and vincent is back my brave boy, with a table-leg and a box all ready to fight. dumbass is struggling to cry over his girl. AMy is turning, I think bruce is making her a coffin. what here we go - everything is as it was in the movies like all the stereotypical shit so now they’re gotta kill Bruce before sunrise so she doesn’t fully turn. monotone - 'stop or i’ll shoot. don’t force me to shoot’ *shoots billy boy in the fkn head* orange eyes man whats with the weird groans and noises when flinching back from the crosses looks like billy boy aint dead after all holy shit blood everywhere yeah just keep shooting im sure that will help oh damn he the terminator - nope he a zombie fuck run don’t ust holy shit he staked him i thought vincent was gonna die he’s dripping green slime he’s got the ebola what the fuck ohmygod ohmygodholyfuckjesus christchrist fuck my god. well that was terrifying. move aside indiana jones . peter ahahah 'eeehhh’ of bruce chillin outside the window. he uses like fifty different voices and accents 'show me how much you love me amy, kill them both. rraaaargghhhh! *elbows a fkn wall* oh damn at least her gross perm is gone. rarrrrgh! *nervous cross and slow back out of the door* jesus what the fuck his bottom jaw is even worse now he just fkn crashed through the pretty round window.  that jacket damn i hate it so much. oh damn is that the sun? looks like the night is done dumbass and he believes he believes and damn that’s a lot of clocks chiming 6am i think it’s 6am. im sorry what the fuck was that did he just get sniped wat the fuck its a gremlin bat oh my god with fangs and shit its scratching him up oh no it bit dumbass what a shame and ohh he burning in green flame in the light of the sun but he fucked off to the basement where he gone vincent’s cut is gone and dumbass doesn’t seem too worried about his bitten arm. whoop it’s amy all wild hair and long white dress orange eyes, smoky lids, big ass fangs and red lips oh damn what the fucking shit 'it’s not my fault you promised you wouldnt let him get me you promised’ she cries then spins around and its actual fear in his eyes as he screams at the sight of her heavily fanged mouth that reaches from one side of her face to the other jesus cchrist that mouth is terrifying i really am not a fan damn yikes man run ew oh no everyone is in trouble, he is hammering that shit fuck everyone is all kinds of messed up these vampires would have them killed in a second this whole sunlight thing is bull - just cause his face is in the light doesn’t mean you can’t get their legs lol come on the disco-balls are shining and ol mate finally decides to try use his outfit - peter closed his coffin and now he’s trapped i kinda want one of them to die oh damn nvm green flame he went shooting and flying back with the force of that sunlight i think he’s dead 'reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’ damn what the hell is that skeleton 'AAAAAAMYYYYY’ he cried as he died like what some stories need more depth beyond hey i got a picture of someone who looks exactly like you, imma bite you cause now we’re in love, hey kill your ex to prove you love me, i love you and now im dead . oh god worst part is amy’s hair is back in that perm how the fuck. 'we’ve been going in a circle! we’re right back where we started from’ is the opening to the next scene which is dumbass and amy making out in his room - that’s fkn sick, again 'Fright Night’ is back on with ol mate peter vincent. oh no peter vincent on about aliens wait what was that red eyes in the window is ol mate still alive perhaps ew amy deserves better  but hey what the fuck weird kid survived?? oh he removed the stake damn ahaha. what a movie that was a pretty fun time = 3.5/5

[fanfictrashdump]

Universe in a Jar, 6 - Phase 4 fic

Recap: Some days ago, I reblogged this post about the magical trio. And then my brain went off on a monumental tangent and, I wrote Universe in a Jar.

Characters: Stephen Strange, Loki, Wanda Maximoff, Wong, OC

Rating: T?

Warnings: Language! Mentions of sexual encounters, sarcasm, terrible storytelling, and typos prob.

Summary: Baby-sitting beings arguably more powerful than him goes awry for Doctor Strange. He knows one person who can possibly keep them isolated and out of trouble. Well, he knew someone who could… he hasn’t seen them in decades and for stupid reasons.

Previous Chapter

WARNINGS: Language, fighting, mentions of death, Stephen with a kitten

XX

Stephen dragged his sneakers through the loose dirt of the beaten path as he meandered, handful of tools hanging limply from his hands. Every now and then, he'd stop and take a survey of the land before continuing for no other reason than he could. He was delaying his arrival at the small, cornflower blue barn just beyond the hill. Despite the fact that he had been doing mindless farm chores non-stop since they arrived at the Hale Estate and this was the first time Seph had ever physically asked him to help with something. Persephone needed him to take a look at the tractor, a small one for her moderate crops. He knew it was merely a ploy to get him out of the house and away from the ticking time-bomb of a witch, but he was dreading the hell out of it, all the same. It wasn't because he thought he couldn't do it–he grew up on a farm in a small town of very rural Nebraska; he knew how to fix a tractor. It wasn't even that he thought his hands would betray him (not that she had even considered that a possibility. Seph knew that he was the most dexterous of the lot, shaking hands and all). He just really hated it.

As he approached the well-worn wooden structure, he shuffled the tools to fish the key to the padlock out of his pocket. With a loud clang, the lock sprung open, evidence of needing a little greasing apparent in its ear-shattering metallic whine as it turned open to be removed. With little more than a huff, he tugged one of the leaves open to have a staring contest with the four-wheeled piece of equipment that he'd most likely lose.

Then, there was a noise.

Tossing the wrenches and clamps onto a nearby work table, he shuffled around the small shelter, looking under tables and in buckets, until he found the source in the wheel well of the tractor. Smiling, he kneeled on the floor before sitting cross-legged, watching the wheel well with interest until out from the shadows, a little tuft of ginger emerged.

"I don't suppose you're the mechanic," he jested, only to be replied by a determined meow. "Tractor elf, then? Here to fix things while we sleep?"

The ginger tabby, sure as any creature he had ever encountered in this or any Universe, padded across the dirt floor and clambered into his lap. It took less than a minute for the kitten to begin purring or for it to continually bump its head affectionately against his awkwardly jarring hands. Stephen was careful, a notch forming between his brows as he focused on gentleness and applying appropriate pressure, in not suddenly squeezing. Not that the kitten was paying any mind. If anything, the sudden spasms in his hands were met with increased rubbing and the occasional batting of one tufted paw on his hand, pulling it closer to its dirt-stained face.

"I've known you for forty three years." Stephen glanced over his shoulder to find Seph leaning against the open barn door, arms crossed, grin on her face. "Every single time you're sent to do something you don't want to, you always end up with an animal in your lap. How does that even happen, Stephen?"

He shrugged. "I'm just a lucky guy, Peep."

The kitten had scaled up his t-shirt and anchored against his chest. One paw rested on his chin while his hands held the creature up against him. Even from several feet away, Seph could hear the loud, buzzing drone of purring of the cat's delight, warming her insides at this portrait of happiness.

A mew of contentment echoed in the barn, the sorcerer having buried his fingers in the orange fur and tickled down its spine. Stephen chuckled in response, making an altogether too soft noise at his new friend. "I didn't know you kept a barn cat."

"I don't. That little guy is from the Smith's farm down the road. Their barn cat, Cooper, was knocked up. This little stowaway comes and goes. Never lets me touch him, though." Her amusement was apparent at watching Stephen Vincent Strange, Sorcerer Supreme, Surly Man Extraordinaire all cuddled up to an orange tabby, melting under its quiet meows. She dropped to her knees beside him, brushing her hand under the cat's chin and quickly realizing it was not her touch the kitten wanted, as it burrowed further into Stephen's chest. A little laugh escaped her. "I think you have a barn cat."

"I don't have a barn." The response was automatic.

She snorted. "Yeah, you do. I can see it from here."

Stephen lifted his gaze from orange fur to the run down barn across the way and then the house it lived behind and sighed, dropping his chin back onto the kitten as in comfort. He didn't exactly know what to say to that, if anything at all, but Seph didn't let him suffer for long.

"What did you make of the house?"

The question prompted him to close his eyes and fidget in place. "I didn't go in. I sat on the porch for hours, held the key. I couldn't do it."

"Stephen, that's your–"

"I know. I know. It's just… their ghosts… I can't–"

She drew an arm around him and pulled him into her body, relishing in the little sigh and the untensing of his shoulders as he settled into the crook of her neck. "Empty houses are not that scary. I promise." He nodded minutely. "I'll go with you."

"You don't have to."

"I know. I'll do it, anyway."

A stretch of silence surrounded them, broken only by the white noise of purring. "Are you sleeping with Loki?"

Seph laughed, turning her head to kiss Stephen's crown. "Are you?"

His brows pulled together and his mouth twisted. "Not regularly, no."

"Ditto."

"So, you have."

"Have you?"

He rolled his eyes and groaned. "Look, I'm not judging you, I'm just–"

"Comparing yourself. Which is stupid–"

"I know, I shouldn't–"

She continued as if he had said nothing. "–because I also sleep with women. There's no chance in hell you two break the top ten."

Stephen scoffed, though the corner of his mouth turned up. The kitten in his arms shuffled with the vibration and settled back into another comfortable position. "Do you have to be such a dick?"

"Learn how to use yours and I wouldn't have to." With a grin, she kissed his crown again. "You know you have to sleep with me to be ranked, right?"

A dusting of red covered his cheeks. "Yeah."

"Just making sure."

The little ball of orange fluff stretched luxuriously, untangling from Stephen's arms just enough to wander and drape itself across the place where both of the humans' thighs touched. Seph gently traced one of the fuzzy ears with her fingers, watching them twitch at the contact before the feline pushed its face firmer against her touch.

Stephen could only smile to himself. He could understand the feeling–initial apprehension, weary observation, eventual surrender. Persephone was an intense person and sometimes it was scary to exist within her same aura until she showed that she was there to be gentle. He supposed he could always feel that she was a little different. Her powers made sense to him now, and he could admit that his child's intuition was not great at discerning that the odd feeling he perceived when she was in a mood was not apprehension or annoyance but power.

"I've messed up a lot of stuff with sex." The words slipped out before he had even noticed them.

"Oh, I am well aware. I went to college with you. And med school."

A wry laugh echoed in the barn. "Such a dick."

"Stephen, we were each other's first kiss. First naked look at the opposite sex. First to tell when anything remotely interesting happened to us. And then, we fell into a world of magic and aliens. I think we'd survive." Stephen remained quiet beside her, merely shuffling a little further into the warmth of her half-embrace, making her smile secretively at the softness of the action. "You know she didn't mean it, right? Implying that we were being useless."

He nodded a bit. "I know. She's just upset about her family."

"She doesn't know you. She doesn't know how much it hurt or how their ghosts haunt you. You also didn't have to go that hard on her."

"I know, but what was I supposed to do, Peep?"

"Tell her that you know exactly where's she's coming from. You know her pain better than anyone. Why is it so hard to make that vulnerability known?"

He straightened up, gaze falling to the far corner of the barn to avoid looking at her. "Because who would fucking trust me, then?"

Seph snorted. "Honestly? A lot more people. Half the people we went to school thought you were either a robot or a sociopath. Being an unfeeling thing doesn't lend you credibility, it makes you look like a maniac."

"I don't think that's–" A crash made the two of them start. "What was that?"

She shook her head. "I don't know." She gently pried the kitten off their legs and set it down on the barn floor before jumping to her feet. "Sorry, buddy. Noises need attending. You can catch a nap later."

She waited for Stephen to similarly right himself before the two took off in a sprint towards the house. The pair slammed the kitchen door open to find everything in a disarray. Tables upturned, flowers on the floor, knickknacks broken and a dozen or so people in black, military style uniforms fighting against Wanda and Loki.

"What the fuck is going on?" Persephone yelled over the sounds over fighting.

"Former employers, long story," Loki hissed through gritted teeth.

Seph watched as Loki turned one of their glowing batons against the soldier to presumably electrocute them, only to give a startled gasp when they disappeared in a cloud of stardust.

"Little help, Seph!" Stephen grunted, trying to subdue one intruder while the Cloak kept another off his back. She stood frozen in panic. He did a double-take on her still form. "Pretend they're me and try to kill them!"

For a moment she blinked at him in surprise before another growled chorus of her name roused her. Despite almost killing Stephen several times within the course of the month, Persephone was not good at managing that part of her abilities on command. And, even when she did, the abilities were fleeting, at best. Concentrating, she latched on to whatever feelings of rage and desperation she could scrounge up, feeling the world slip away from her as her eyes began to glow. The two soldiers attacking the Sorcerer were suddenly surrounded in a glass prison. Wanda had four soldiers strung up from red threads of magic like marionettes and slowly moved them across the room where they joined Seph's prisoners. Loki, deciding he had had enough of niceties, was going around the living room, wielding a baton like a sword and dispatching of anyone who came too close to him.

"Are you OK?"

She flinched at Stephen's hand on her shoulder, her eyes still fixed on the boxes with rapt attention.

"Peep, talk to me."

"I'm OK." Her voice sounded both hollow and too dynamic, echoing eerily.

Strange nodded. "You know how I told you earlier not to open the veil? Well, maybe disregard that and throw these guys elsewhere?"

There was a beat of silence before she responded. "I don't have to." She clapped her hands together and both boxes collapsed into nothingness. '

Stephen swallowed thickly, squeezing her shoulder once to try and ground her. "Where'd you–?"

"Antarctica. They might die." She said it so matter-of-fact that it was almost worrying.

"I assure you," Loki started, "they won't. They will be found within a few minutes, if not already."

"Hey." Stephen bent at the knees to level his eyes to hers, though she stared right through him. "Let go of it. You're OK." She blinked at him but her expression turned from blank to furrowed brow. "That's it. Come back." He rubbed up and down her arms, feeling the air shift around him like oxygen was coming back into the room. He looked up at Loki and Wanda. "Do you know where they got in from? This place is warded to the teeth, I find it hard to believe they found a crack."

"Are you telling them or shall I, dear?" Loki offered with a wide smile that didn't quite catch their eyes.

Wanda fidgeted before groaning. "They knocked at the door. I opened without checking."

"It's OK." Seph leaned against Stephen, clenching her eyes shut against the migraine starting to brew at her temple. "It's happened to me before. Not with anyone who wants to kill me but, y'know, religious groups who make me want to kill myself. I have–have contingencies." The last of her words came out slurred.

"You're not looking so good, Seph." The witch rushed over to help her sit on the sofa, full mothering mode on.

"I think I just overdid it." She sank into the cushions, letting out a steady breath before trying to get back up. Stephen promptly pushed her back down. "I need to move the house."

"You're not doing moving of any kind right now." Persephone frowned at what she had deemed his doctor voice, though was having trouble deciding which of the two Stephens was the one she needed to be glaring at.

Loki frowned. "Strange?" He got a hum of acknowledgment back, the sorcerer too busy pretending he wasn't worrying over Seph. "Who's that on your jeans?"

"What?" Stephen looked away from the sofa and glanced down. Hanging off the bottom hem of his right pantleg, a tiny ball of orange fur batted at the playfully swishing Cloak around his shoulders.

"That's his barn cat," Seph supplied, a drunken giggle in her voice.

"Precious." Stephen rolled his eyes at the glittering smile of the demigod, though it turned into more of a wide-eyed stare when he continued, "Didn't know Midgard kept Flerkens."

Wanda tilted her head. "What's a–oooh, that's different." She grimaced at the split jaw and tentacle-like features attached to the mouth, batting at the Cloak.

"Stephen," Seph started, "I take it back. I'm not OK, I'm hallucinating."

Strange drew a deep breath, closing his eyes and letting the air filling his lungs soothe him. "No, mom. I don't want to be a farmer. I want to be a doctor and move to New York city. And now you got a fucking alien following you around, you dipshit," he muttered angrily, before bending down. "Hey, no eating the Cloak!" The tentacles retracted, jaw fused back together and a kitten was once more sitting on the carpet. "I should've stayed on the fucking farm."

[dasebasstian]

Years ago I was asked to interview one of the most unique and talented musicians around- The Reverend Horton Heat. Unfortunately the interview got lost in the editorial shuffle and never saw the light of day. Below is that lost interview.

Setting The Record Straight With The Reverend Horton Heat

Interviewed by D.A. Sebasstian

Jim “Reverend Horton Heat “ Heath has been tearin’ it up for over two decades now, with eleven albums, dozens of compilation appearances, songs in major motion pictures and even video games and cartoons! You might expect a man with that kind of success to slow down...just a little. Well sir- not on your life! The latest incarnation of Jim Heath’s band including The Reverend on guitar and vocals, Jimbo Wallace on upright bass and Paul Simmons on drums, is arguably one of the tightest and hardest working bands on the road today. I got the chance to talk with the Reverend by phone while they were in the midst of their 2009 tour...somewhere in the beautiful state of Colorado.

From what I’ve read on the internet you had it pretty rough as a teen growing up hustling the pool halls for cash- 

You read the wrong bio (laughs). Lemme tell you what happened. We had just signed to Sub Pop Records back in the ‘90’s and I get this call waking me up early in the morning. It was some girl from Sub Pop wanting to ask me all these questions. She had this monotone voice with questions like (speaking like a robot )  “Where did you grown up?” “What do you like to do?”  “What cigarettes do you smoke?” etc. So I told her that I was adopted, like to play pool and I smoke Merit Cigarettes. Later on Sub Pop gets this information and turns it into, “Reverend Horton Heat was an orphan who became a pool shark and smokes Lucky Strike Cigarettes.” (laughs). Complete B.S. I have hung out in pool halls, but growing up,I had a wonderful middle class family, a great extended family with cousins, aunts and uncles. You know Sub Pop had a history of that kind of thing. 

Does personal experience fuel your song writing? 

Yeah- personal experience definitely fuels my song writing...but then again sometimes you gotta stretch out beyond personal experience and use your imagination. You know, get a little phantasmagorical. 

Besides Jerry Lee Lewis, who are your biggest musical influences? 

I really love the Sun Records stuff like early Elvis and Carl Perkins. Non-Sun bands like Johnny Burnette and the Rock & Roll Trio, Gene Vincent and the Blue Cats, but ya know man...I really like music from the mid-twentieth century era. I really love Henry Mancini as well as the Blues, a lot of the Chess records stuff like Howlin’ Wolf, Buddy Guy and Muddy Waters. Its had a big influence on me. Then of course the Country Music of that era was just great too. 

As a band you guys are extremely tight live do you guys rehearse or just set and play out?

The only time we rehearse is during sound check. The way we really keep it going is that we play so much...we play so many gigs. We’ve cut it back from what we used to do- but we’re still one of the hardest working bands out there as far as our  tour schedule. I wish we could rehearse more but our new Drummer Paul lives in Nashville, so to schedule a rehearsal involves airline flights and motel rooms (laughs). It’s kinda crazy now. We got the new songs for the new album and we’re going to be getting together to actually rehearse it in Dallas in March. That’s really the only reason we need to rehearse, if we’re working up some new songs or going to rehash some older ones that fell by the wayside. 

I love your song Galaxie 500. Are you a Ford guy?

Well I like the design of Fords, I mean I think Fords design, you know alot of people get mad at me for this, but a I just think the way their cars look have always had something just a little bit better. I think Chevy came back into the picture with the ‘55 Chevy- and honestly I have a great appreciation for all American cars. A long time ago people were like “Ford Sucks” and “Chevy Sucks” but what's funny now is like- “What abut Toyota?”  “What about Hyundai?” All the sudden all that snobbery between Ford and Chevy people is out the window. It has to be or else we’re all gonna be driving Toyotas. We need to all stick together on this 

You are considered by many to be the King of Psychobilly is that a crown you would wanna wear?

No no man...the Kings of Psychobilly are European bands man. The Meteors, Guana Batz, Demented Are Go, Necromantix...those types of bands  We have a song called Psychobilly Freakout and when it came out alot of writers in the States didn’t really know what rockabilly was all about. So they heard the song title and were all “What is Psychobilly?” So that label got put on me. But in all honesty we do things that “Psychobilly Bands” don’t do. We’ll do a slow country song, we’ll do a slow blues song...ya know? Some of our stuff definitely fits in the Psychobilly mold but alot of it  really doesn’t.

How long have you been playing Gretch and what is your guitar rig live and in the studio?

Well I really haven’t played Gretch my whole career. I had an old Guild back in the mid-80’s with a Bigsby Tremolo that eventually led me to a Gibson  ES-175 with the 1954 P90 pickups. But with all the modern lights, dimmer packs and crazy electrical stuff they put in buildings for these light shows, those P90 pick ups would buzz so loud, almost as loud as the tone coming out of my amplifier. I dealt with it, I made it work, but once when I was on tour the 1/4 inch jake just broke into the guitar and at that time we were really at it- doing 275 shows a year. It was around the same time Gretch started doing their reissues.  I went into a Guitar Center, saw the Gretch and noticed it was about the same thickness as  the Gibson and had the Bigsby Tremolo. To me it had less of the older Gretch “nasal “ sound and more of a  Telecaster vibe. That was something that i really liked and that the Gibson definitely couldn’t get. Gibson's are great for Jazz and some Rockabilly, but they just don’t have that Tele Twang . The Gretch had all that plus the Telecaster  vibe, so I said, “That ‘s cool man.”  Not to mention it was functional (laughs), so I ran with it. Since then I’ve acquired a lot of nice old Gretch guitars, but I don’t take ‘em on the road with me. I do sometimes play  them in the studio along with my old Gibson 175 . Gretch started making the “Reverb Horton Heat”  model so I play that as well. 

What about Amplifiers?

I like the Silver Face Fender Super Reverb, I’ve got several mid seventies Silver Faces, but I have this one in particular that is unreal...it’s just the perfect amplifier. And so I’ve used that on every album I’ve ever done and in fact I’m gonna use it tonight. I spent more money keeping that amp in good repair...I mean it’s the most expensive amp in the world (laughs). We put one mic on that Silver Face and we’re good to go. It’s kinda funny I’m into my amps almost more than my guitars. 

Your last album was the brilliant Christmas record Three Kings? Why a Christmas album?

Well for one thing our record label wanted it and for the other alot of my heroes did Christmas albums. They all did them. It was almost like part of their contract. Three Kings was a fun project.  What was really interesting is I’ve got alot of record collector friends and as soon s they found out  I was doing a Christmas album they all started mailing me their favorite CDs of the weirdest, craziest, most obscure and obscene  Christmas Songs... like who put the Dick On Snowman. All this nasty, over the top, blue Christmas music. So at that point I was thinking, I am going to do a Christmas album and all the kids in my family...ya know I started thinking Christmas is for kids. Maybe I’ll do a Christmas album like that someday but in the mean time I’m just gonna do a straight up Frosty and Rudolph traditional album. 

I’m a big rivet head so I gotta ask- what was it like working with Al Jourgenson of Ministry on the Liquor in the Front album?

Well..that was a crazy trip into an area  I’d never really gone before. It was scary as hell. I mean I would leave the studio after being in there for eleven hours,  working on one song,  just bleary eyed and tired of working and I’d look over there and Al was about to die, the guy almost killed himself...several times. Not purposefully but  you know what I mean? Al's a trip man...Al's a real trip. I mean Al and I got a little cross ways on that album but he brought a lot of good stuff to the table and alot of interesting ideas. You know that album sold more than any of our other albums so I really can’t knock him too much...but man he’s pretty out there. It’s funny though one thing about him is he knows alot about country music and obscure rockabilly stuff . He’s not just an industrial guy.

How about working with Gibby Haynes of The Butthole Surfers?

Now doin’ the sessions with Gibby, we ate so much Barbecue it was crazy...I mean every night it was BBQ. In fact  we were going to this really famous place called Jim Neely's Interstate Bar-B-Que. We were buying so much every day...they had  this shopping cart that they used when they would cater events and they just let us have the shopping cart full of Barbecue to use. We’d just take it to the studio, lift it out of the back of the van and roll it inside. Everyday we were buying a gallon of Barbecue Sauce...it was crazy! Gibby made his own drinks and was mixing Vodka and BBQ Sauce ...it was really nasty (laughs).

What bands do you like touring with?

Well we like touring with Nashville Pussy they’re alot of fun, then there's the Legendary Sack Shakers and Throw Rag...we’ve done alot of great tours with them. Some of my favorite tours were goin’ out with great guitar players that were so over the top good it’s kinda scary you know.  Like Jr. Brown.  I didn’t get to talk to him much on tour, he keeps to himself,  but man what a great guitar player. I got to see him play every night. Deke Dickerson who's a monster player and Big Sandy and the Flyright Boys were always super inspiring because they are such great players and have such a great style.

Any new albums in the works?

Yeah it’s gonna be with Yep Roc, were gonna try to bang it out here as quickly as possible. Kinda on the cheap. We’re not gonna make too big a deal about it. Probably get Tim Alexander  to help us do a little production and musical arrangement as well as some piano and accordion on a coupla things. The plan is were gonna go in a   really old little studio in Dallas where Willie Nelson recorded “Red Headed Stranger” and “Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain.”  I’ll give you a scoop- though I haven’t talked about too much, our new album is gonna be country...

Really?

And its not like “Well we’re goin’ country now,” because I actually have a lotta great rockin songs in the works too, but this upcoming album is just leaning heavily on country stuff. A lot of our fans that like us and are not Country fans seem to really enjoy our country type songs. We’re one of the only bands that they listen to that do anything like country music. So the guys who might normally hate country might still might like our country stuff. Many of my country songs and most of this new album have a humorous thing goin’ on with it.  

I’ve always thought of your music reaching across genre borders- I have friends with record collections full of punk or metal or lounge music but they also have some Reverend Horton Heat CD’s in there too.

That was kinda the intention from the very beginning. At the time it was almost like shooting apples in a barrel. Back when we first started  there really we not that many Rockabilly bands in existence. You had the Stray Cats, Rockats and Paladins playin’ upright bass and then The Blasters. Without getting into listing all the bands that were around at the time, it was pretty weird. There just wasn’t that big of a Rockabilly scene. So here we come in, doin’ original music that was Rockabilly, but a little more amped up. It really was like shooting apples in a barrel. People were like- “Whoa this band is really different!”  “We never heard anything like this before!” (laughs) 

Yeah but you have to be good too- I mean you could be different but if your not good your not gonna get the fans. There's a real power with what you guys do.

Well thank you. Anything you do at some point it’s gotta be entertaining 

So you guys are writing the new album on the road? Yeah I’m writing as I go- yeah I’m gonna go in there and work on a new song today. So we're trying to get songs ready as we play on this tour,  because we aren’t together. You know? When we’re off tour Paul goes back to Nashville. This is our time together so we get to annoy all the opening bands and crew people by turning our sound check into a rehearsal (laughs) 

Do you believe in UFOs?

That's a cool question...and the answer is...no (laughter).  I love to watch the shows about UFOs on TV. Its very entertaining to think about but I don't believe in UFOs. I’m one of these very skeptical persons- so until I see it myself I won’t believe it. I’ve got this thing about  Government- I mean people get all bent out of shape that our Government keeps secrets from us. The simple fact of the matter is that they have too keep secrets from us or we would all die. I don’t think their keeping UFOs a secret.  I think what they keep secret is the military stuff that if it came out that we had it then eventually  our enemies would use it against us. 

 If you could rewrite the soundtrack to any older movie (say pre 1977) what film would it be?

Probably Thunder Road with Robert Mitchim. I’d keep the title song, “Thunder Road,” but that’d be a fun movie to do. When I was a kid, my Dad would take me to the car shows and the drag races and  then he’d set me down and say, “You got to watch this movie Thunder Road.”  After I saw it I was like, “Hey Dad what does that mean- all hopped up?” (laughs).

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                                                                        SEPTEMBER     2020

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 The Rolling Stones have released an old unreleased track they did with Jimmy Page. Scarlet also has a brand new video starring Paul Mescal.** The Rolling Stones will open a store on Carnaby St. in London, Rolling Stones #9 on Sept.9.

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Where the hell is Matthew Gray Gubler??

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Africa had been declared polio free.

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Check out Dream Hustle Code!! It is a worthy cause.

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Iowa has lifted the ban on felons voting. Hooray!!

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They have discovered the longest living vertebrate, a 400 year old shark.

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Hey Clockface is the new album coming in October from Elvis Costello.

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Drunk History has been cancelled. NO!!!!!!!!! Netflix??

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Michigan will pay $600 million to the victims of the water crisis.

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They are remaking The Thing.

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Fresh Prince will reunite for their 30th.

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Scary Clown applied for help to get a sea wall to protect his golf course due to climate change.

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Micky Dolenz is said to be recording Dolenz sings Nesmith, an album of songs written by Mike Nesmith.

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PEAD or the Presidents Emergency Action Documents are periodically revised and nobody seems to know a thing about them. Word is the rules are being revised right now but how will we know?? These are the most secret documents in the government. Congress is not even privy to them. Does that seem right??

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Wendell Pierce will star in The Thrill is On where he will play B.B. King.

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Quibi has brought us the Mapleworth murders with John Lutz, Paula Pell, JB Smoove and Tina Fey.

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Kutcher and Leno have been sticking up for Ellen. Watch your back, girl!!

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The West Wing is reuniting,

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Roman Polanski sued the Academy in 2019 for reinstatement but he has now lost that bid.

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The California Supreme court has reversed the death penalty for Scott Peterson.

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From Beirut to Florida to Belarus to Russia, our leaders never stop letting us down. The state of the world with the anger, the rebellion shows us just how selfish those in power are. ** The military budget: $732 billion, $ needed to bail out the Post office: $25 billion. This one we have to fight for and bring back our mailboxes for goodness sake!!** There are 3 republican Senators who are very uncomfortable with the President’s bashing of the Post Office. **UPS gives mountains of money to McConnell and Trump.

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This is an administration more interested in suppressing the vote than the virus. -President Obama ** Brookings.edu will tell you how well your state runs the vote.

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Sam Jay has a great stand up special to see called 3 in the morning.

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If your religion makes or keeps you stupid, it’s not a good religion. –Michael Mckean

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There are calls to dissolve the NRA because of massive fraud.

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Rep. David Schweikert was reprimanded and ordered to pay a $50 thousand fine for misuse of funds.

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Days alert: Gabi is right about one thing: Gwen seems like a skank.** What must it feel like for Ari Zucker to keep getting dragged back into Trump’s dirty laundry??**So good to see Paige and Eddie again!!!! **Phillip is back!** I wish they would give Eve something better to do and like last month, I wish Jack and Jen could really do something . Perhaps they could hustle stories like back in the day.

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Jerry Falwell Jr. has been asked by Liberty University to take an indefinite leave of absence as President and chancellor. He has now resigned. As I wrote about months ago, the torrid story of the pool boy has finally come full circle. It’s about time!!

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Face the Nation: When asked if he supported the tweet from that seemed to suggest he was ok with Kyle Rittenhouse, the attorney General of Ky. Daniel Cameron Said, “I condone violence on all it’s forms.” So he was of course asked if he meant CONDEMN and he agreed but I am not so sure. The first response seemed closer to the truth.

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Alabama legislator Will Dismukes who was spotted at a celebration for the KKK Grand Wizard, is charged with stealing thousands from a floor company he worked at.

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How many Trump friends own pay day loan places?? They must be making a mint on all the desperate poor.** The Trump administration is scaling back protections for over 1,000 species of birds. ** It seems MAGA hats are made in China and Joe’s hats are made in the U.S. by union members.** A Judge has rejected Trump’s latest bid to hide his tax records.

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Is this true? Cops make $150 thousand in Chicago to police schools. That is about half of what teachers make. Mind you, officers also still make their regular pay. The school district voted that even if a school decides not to use police in their school, that $ is still allotted for the cops and cannot be used for other things.** Baron Trump’s school is under orders to stay closed.** It is a blessing that the WH, the NBA and some companies can quarantine and test often. How about spreading some of that around to the food vendors or people at the bottom of your food chain?? It isn’t fair that so many small businesses are going under because they have nowhere to turn.

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Louis Dejoy was raked over the coals. He claims to have stopped taking mailboxes and sorting machines but the damage is done. He seemed to say ,”no” a lot in the hearing. He does not seem to know much about his post office. Why are the rules different for the Post Office as opposed to other government agencies?? ** Washington postal workers have reinstalled mail sorting machines. Fingers crossed that they keep their jobs.

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Arizona Senator McSally told supporters they might come up with more campaign cash for them if they do a bit of fasting.

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I always get a tear when I see John McCain give the thumbs down that day or when he defended Obama from that awful woman during their campaigns.

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The DNC went off without much of a hitch. Everybody looked and sounded good. Tammy Duckworth was especially noteworthy.  Bloomberg seemed to have bought himself a prime spot and lashed out at Trump from the business side of things.** Jon Favreau had a good take that the RNC’s message was that if you’re rich and white, you can do anything.** At the RNC: Tom Cotton just said America is safer now than 4 years ago, but one of the themes of this convention is that America’s cities are more violent than ever, -John Avlon** Pence: Make America great again again! WTF?** The last night of the RNC  did not have to compete with sports but the DNC still won the ratings race, if that matters to U.

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The Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has resigned.

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What if we just put confederate General hats on all the mailboxes? –Conan** Hurricane Laura knocked down a confederate monument that they had voted to keep.

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Claudia Conway is seeking emancipation.  Her parents Kellyanne and George are stepping away from their respective opposing political roles.

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The Senate intel committee informed the DOJ in mid 2019 that it believed Trump Jr., Kushner, Eric Prince, Manafort, Bannon, Sam Clovis and Hope Hicks all committed crimes.** Bannon was arrested as well as Brian Kolfage, for pocketing funds from the We build the wall fund that Mexico was supposed to pay for.  Bannon was arrested by the postal service on a yacht belonging to another alleged criminal.

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Loved the Colbert show talking about “prayers in the air” and Trevor Noah calling out the ‘militia members’ for what they are: ‘gang members.’

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The Nazi brownshirts, or Sturmabteilung were born of unemployed veterans and thugs that the party reached out to act as security for their meetings. –Mike Stuchbery

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A former FBI agent has documented white supremacists and militias have infiltrated police across the U.S.

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It’s silly to believe an illness can stem from having sex with a demon, but just to be safe I’m giving it up anyway. – Emo Phillips

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Kamala Harris means more Maya Rudolph!!!!

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So Seth Meyers had a poll about his sea captain and NBC would not let them use their site?? It didn’t matter for it does not seem they took it seriously anyway. The duck, who was not part of the poll is a nice touch though as is the fish. Long live the sea captain!! That is Forte, Armisen and Samberg, right??

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Sturgis? Smashmouth ??really??

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Sen Penn married Leila George.

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If you can convince the lowest white man he’s better than the best colored man, he won’t notice you’re picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he’ll empty his pockets for you. –LBJ

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What if we’re the weird ones ya’ll , and he’s just Al Yankovic. –George Wallace

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Before Fox news, you actually had to drive to a Klan rally. –LOLGOP

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Larry Wilmore will host a late night show on Peacock.

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So, the Black*ish episode that wasn’t, will finally air, now how about letting us see the Gary Cole episode of SVU??

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I can’t wait for Ratched, the origin story of Nurse Ratched. Sept. 18 will bring us Sarah Paulson, Judy Davis, Finn Wittrock, Sharon Stone, Amanda Plummer, Vincent D’onofrio and Cynthia Nixon.

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Jim Belushi stars in Growing Belushi about his new pot farm.

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Why is it so hard for humans to open their minds? From law enforcement rehab to using home grown drugs for pain or listening to different cultures and religions, it should be ez to just listen. Doctors are touting psilocybin for everything from quitting cigarettes to depression.  The effects can be lifesaving and science can save us all. This is not the dark ages but on some days, we would never know that.

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Fire-Nado?  Double hurricanes?? Whoa!

***

Many sports teams went on strike.

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R.I.P. Reni Santoni, David Rossi, Wilforn Brimley, Gary Knopp, Pete Hamill, John Hume, Daisy Coleman, Helen Jones Woods, Brent Carver, Beirut victims, Brent Scrowcroft, Leon Fleischer, Trini Lopez, Raymond Allen, Sumner Redstone, covid victims, Robert Trump, Matt Heron, Linda Manz, Ash Christian, Robert Ryland, Justin Townes Earle, Allan Rich, Gail Sheehy, Reni Santoni, Jacob Blake, hurricane victims, Kenosha victims and Chadwick Boseman.