#but he definitely just got it cut here. I like his hair longer… my mom said sometimes it’s TOO long 😡 wrong and impossible

[jimmyspades]

My mom made a point to say she really liked Alan’s hair here….. bf got the parental seal of approval

[taintandviolent]

Stalked - Kai Anderson x Reader

summary & wordcount: 2.6K! After breaking up with Kai, he decides you need a little reminder of what once was. idea requested by @kaislittlelamb originally!

w a r n i n g s: smut with very little plot, implied stalking, toxic relationships, throat fucking, blowjobs, Kai being Kai, violence, aggression.

a/n: this was originally a drabble, but got longer - very quickly written, sorry if it's horrible! definitely not my best. thanks for reading it, if you did!!! no taglist this time because it's a pain in the bootay.

full fic under cut!↓ / ao3 link here! /

You'd met with Zack a few times now, but this was the first time you two had actually gotten to talk and get to know each other. He was cute, in a very boy next door sort of way; physically fit, a tousled mess of brown curls, bright green eyes, and bright, white teeth that probably got whitened bi-weekly.

"So, anyways, I moved here about three months ago after my mom moved here, and with her needing help, I figured I might as well stay." 

"Nice." You grinned. 

"Yeah, so I'm definitely still learning the best spots to eat..." 

You casually glanced around the restaurant, scanning the patrons next to you; you were an observer and enjoyed people watching, in all situations. Abruptly, several tables across from you, wavy, blue hair caught your attention. Your expression contorted into one of shock as your eyes trailed down the bridge of the nose, taking in the man's face. No fucking way. 

As though he felt that he was being watched, Kai turned mid-sentence, and immediately made eye contact with you. His brows rose slowly in surprise, and ultimately, delight. You blinked and turned away quickly, engulfing yourself back in the conversation. Or hoping to. But there was no escaping this. 

"Excuse me," you heard him say, before scooting his chair back. The legs scraped against the floor with an awkward sound, and Kai made his way over to you, navigating around the tables. 

Like a child trying to avoid being found, you almost considered sinking down in your seat, chest heaving with shallow breaths. Some luck you had. Some fucking luck. You rolled your eyes, shifting your shoulders. Zack watched you, studying your very apparent discomfort. You felt both men's eyes on you, and laughed nervously into your soda.

"Y/N..." Kai said. 

You said nothing in return, only smiled sarcastically and stirred your soda with the straw. 

"New boyfriend?" He asked, his tone dripping with faux-interest. You knew him. You knew him like the back of your hand, and he wasn't interested. He was waiting to incriminate you.

"No, actually." Zack interjected, bravely. "We're just getting to know each other. It's going well." 

You nodded, giving him a genuine smile. "It is." 

Kai tightened his smile further; the fakeness started to show through the cracks. "Good, good. Well, I just wanted to say hello. I'll leave you two lovebirds to finish your appetizers." 

"You know him?" 

"Unfortunately. Too well." 

"Ex-boyfriend?" Zack asked, popping another spinach-dip loaded chip into his mouth.

Sheepishly, you nodded.

"He looks familiar." 

"Yeah, you've probably seen him on TV. He's a councilman."

Zack snapped his fingers, pointing at you. "That's it! Anderson, right?" 

Again, you nodded. "Yep... that's the one." 

The waiter appeared, meals in hand. As you two ate, the conversation naturally melted away from Kai, which you were grateful for. Especially since it seemed like it was headed in the direction of Zack wanting to vote for him and agreeing with his campaign policies. Unfortunately, Zack fit the bill of one of the men that Kai would easily brainwash, and recruit to his noble cause.

Halfway through dessert, your phone buzzed. You knew who it was from without even looking. The message read: We should get together.

You quickly thumbed out a response. Why? 

Just to talk. 

Against better judgement, you agreed. The rest of the date was spent laughing about poorly written films in the last decade, but in the back of your mind, laughing was the last thing you wanted to be doing. The next hour was a blur. Zack had gone in for a kiss when he was leaving, which you returned, but only briefly. You were distracted. Painfully so. You went from the restaurant to Kai's, but you hardly remembered driving there. Your mind was on autopilot; a rotten, sour feeling bubbling in your stomach. Everything in you said that this was a bad idea, and yet, you gripped the steering wheel hard, looking at his front door.

You got out, locked your car and made your way up the pathway. You only knocked once before the door flew open. He stood tall. Proud. Unwavering. That overly confident, but calm smile plastered on his stupidly-handsome face. His hair hung at his cheeks, greasy as ever. He was pleased you'd shown up - you thought you saw a flicker of doubt that maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't have. But you were a woman of your word, and you weren't going to show him that he was something to fear.

"So, when are you going to break it off with what's-his-name?" Kai asked as he took the basement stairs quickly, trotting down them. You followed, wordlessly, revelling in the familiar sensations. Once you'd stopped at the final step, you glanced forward, eyes locking on the brown leather couch. Out of all the memories that you'd had in that basement, the ones that rushed back were the ones where Kai was fucking you on that couch. Ruthless, merciless fucking until your back hurt and your insides felt like they'd been obliterated twice over. You blinked the images away, swallowing hard. Your head turned before your eyes met his. 

"Zack is actually very nice, and he'd probably treat me very well if I decided to pursue a relationship with him. But since when do you care who I'm with?" 

"It's my business." 

"No, it fucking isn't. It hasn't been for weeks. Last time I checked... I was uhhh, what was it? A stupid bitch?" That had become a favorite alias of his. You plopped down on the sofa, cushions giving way to your weight.

Kai bristled. "You know, you really should be careful what you post on social media." 

"Excuse me?" 

"You never know who could be watching." 

The realisation hits you like a freight train. Him being at the restaurant wasn't a coincidence, it wasn't bad luck. Kai knew exactly where you were going to be and he made it a point to be there. You’d replied to a friend in the comments of a post, telling her that you were going to be at that particular restaurant in the afternoon. He’d seen that.

"You've been.... fucking stalking me!?" 

Kai filled his chest with air, somehow standing taller than he already did. "You sure like to show off your cute little life, don't you? Pathetic little coffee outings and Tapas date nights. But what I want to know..." Kai trailed off, circling you like the pathetic little lamb you were. "...is who you go home and think about. Is it Zack? Or maybe Edward?"  

You felt the muscles underneath your eye twitch. 

"Or is it.... me?" 

Kai finally moved in front of you, his broad chest obscuring your view from everything else. His legs touched your knees. 

"Answer me." 

"I don't have to tell you anything, Kai. You aren't my boyfriend anymore."

"I said answer me!" Kai pressed his thumb and forefinger into your cheeks, making your lips pucker out like a stupid, confused fish. He yanked your head forward, bringing it up towards his. The action strained the muscles in your neck, but you didn't dare say that. This dynamic was very familiar to you. You'd been here before. 

"Seems like you need a little reminder."

A chill ran down your spine.

"Open your mouth." Kai's thumb traced your pouty lips softly, sweeping back and forth. He waited a few seconds, his face tight with impatience and when you didn't concede to his request, Kai forced your mouth open, pressing his fingers into your cheek flesh until you winced and dropped your jaw. 

"Good girl. Now, you're going to keep your mouth open until I say to close it. You understand?" 

You nodded, your tongue resting delicately on your bottom teeth. 

"I have a very important job for you. You're going to stroke my cock until it's hard and then I'm going to throat fuck you."

You held back a cringe. He was always so... direct. Direct with his intentions, direct with his words, direct with his actions. You supposed that was the main vein of why he was doing so well as a councilman; people liked the truth -- and regardless of validity, if something is delivered with enough confidence and directness, it's believed. 

You reached forward tentatively, undoing the button of his dark jeans. The zipper came next, one tooth at a time. You felt the heat of his groin as soon as you leaned forward to pull the jeans over his buttocks, turning your face away so that you weren't met with a mouthful of fabric. With a strong hand, you gripped the elastic of his boxers, pulling them down over his balls - his dick flopped out, heavy and warm to the touch. You sucked a self-encouraging breath into your lungs and reached forward to grip his flaccid cock, inching your lips towards it.

"No." He bucked his hips backwards, furrowing his brows. "What did I say?"

You froze, backpedalled and began stroking, intentionally angling it towards your mouth. Kai let out a shallow breath, pressing his chin against his chest to watch you. You gave it a firm squeeze, and in response, his cock twitched in your grip; it didn't take long for it to swell and stiffen to capacity in your grasp. You paid some attention to the tip, spreading around the slithery pre-cum that had leaked from the slit.  

"I always liked that about you - your willing adherence to any and all demands. You know what I want." 

At least he was praiseful. He always had been, even in the late and toxic stages of your relationship. Still, you chalked it up to him enjoying the sound of his own voice and feeling like he was in control of the situation

Your free hand took hold of his balls, squeezing them softly. At that, Kai vocalized hungrily, grunting low in his throat. He was a very venous man; in any heightened state of emotion that got the blood flowing, his veins popped in his forehead, his neck, his hands... and his cock. Your tongue massaged the veins that swelled on his shaft, flattened out on the thickest one underneath and flicked at the tip.

You continued jerking it, finding a rhythm until Kai's large hand enveloped yours, forcing his cock out of your grasp to replace it with his own. Pumping his cock in and out of his hand a few times quickly, Kai hissed through his teeth, and took a fistful of your hair at the crown of your head. He immediately let go, and cupped the back of your head with his hand, stroking it softly. Tenderly -- like it meant something to him. It didn't. You were a stupid pawn in his story, another one of his dedicated cult members, and he regarded them all the same.

You closed your mouth to swallow, wetting the inside of it before returning to your previous, vulnerable position, tongue out, eyes lifted to meet his. Kai's pitch-dark eyes looked down at you with a roiling expectancy, one that spoke louder than words could. He slapped the tip of his cock against your waiting tongue, revelling in that first, startled flinch.

At first, he slid just the tip along the texture of your tongue, grinding against you, but it didn't take him long to penetrate. The tip of his cock bumped against the back of your throat, and you closed your lips, bowing your head slightly to allow him further down your throat.

“How does that feel?” 

You nodded your head. Kai let out another throaty moan and picked up his pace, thrusting his hips hard into your face as you relaxed your throat as best you could, fighting your gag reflex. His cock filled your throat - violated it - the salty taste of his precum overwhelming your senses. Your nose burned and your eyes watered. You guessed that your eye makeup had begun to stream down your cheeks in ebony ribbons. 

Kai's visual was ethereal. You were coming undone before him - below him - as women should. In such a submissive state, you looked your best. He took a fistful of your hair and yanked you forward, violently forcing you to deep throat his dick. He felt the slick, strong contraction of your reflex and grit his teeth; you were withholding it, but the pathetic, whimpering sounds of your gags drove him forward. He pictured them, remembering all the times that he had been in a similar position with you. 

"Gag," he said, finally. "I want to hear your pain." 

When you didn't, Kai forced his cock further into your throat, until your nose was pressed in the bush of his hair. That did it. With your eyes squeezed shut, your throat repeatedly rebelled. You coughed and gagged around his shaft, the tip still pressed against your tonsils. You finally opened your bleary eyes at him, straining them upwards to get a visual on him, to beg him wordlessly for relief. Kai flattened his hand on the back of your head and bunny humped your face, pulling more desperate gags from your throat.

"Who do you belong to?"

No response. Just a full-mouthed cough.

He took a fistful of your hair, pulling you hard off of his dick. THWACK! Kai's hand whipped across your face, leaving a welting streak of red in its wake. His cock bumped against the roof of your mouth as you nodded slowly, stunned from the sheer force. 

"I'll ask you one more time... who do you belong to?" 

Finally, you gave him another feeble nod and lifted your hand to press a single finger into his pectoral muscle.

"Good... that's what I like to hear. You remembered that it's rude to talk with your mouth full, too. I'm so proud of you."

Kai reinserted his cock into your waiting mouth, almost gently. That was everything but comforting, but this foreplay was familiar to you, and therefore, enjoyable. Sure, the way your throat burned as his dick hammered in and out might've teetered on the edge of discomfiting, but you'd been here before. You knew him, and at one point, you loved him.

You made an O around his cock as he dragged it out from the back of your throat, sucking gently. Kai began thrusting again, but less rhythmically than before. He was losing his steady pace, and that only meant one thing.

"Don't fucking stop," he breathed. "Keep going."

You closed your eyes again, two tears streaming down your blushing, caving cheeks. He was going to cum soon, you felt the tightness, the heat, the urgency behind his thrusts. Pumping his cock in and out of your swollen lips, Kai’s hand snapped to the back of your neck, holding you in place as he thrust remorselessly. 

A second later, he bottomed out again, and you felt his cock twitching, pulsing in your mouth as his orgasm washed down the back of your throat. You coughed a wet, sticky wet cough and Kai groaned, letting his head fall back into his shoulders. 

"Swallow. Fucking swallow it."

You did. You winced as your throat accepted the mouthful of blisteringly hot cum, salty and slightly unpleasant. Your mouth felt sticky and your throat was coated – you couldn't talk, not clearly. So, instead of telling Kai that you hated him, you just glared at him with fire in your gaze, baring your teeth at him like an angry dog.

“Aw, what? What, you hate me? Is that what you want to say?” 

You nodded.

“Go sit at the table. We’re going to talk about that.” 

[magicrainbowkitties]

Hyperfixations are insane bro.

Anyways here's my "MK1 Roster By How Good Of A Hugger They Are" tier list

Not Pictured:

Shang Tsung: A

Reiko: B

Explanations under the cut if you want them.

S tier:

Smoke/Tomas: Great arm strength, super sweet and cute in his intro dialogues, definitely goes for head pats. Also big ups for the smokey smell.

Scorpion/Kuai Liang: Arm strength, sensitive and protective in his dialogues, and very warmb. Perfection.

Johnny Cage: You cannot tell me this version of the guy is not absolutely INSANE at hugs. Arms, emotional sensitivity, words of affirmation if you need them, and LOVES giving them. CageCon attendees attest he hugs like a giant teddy bear.

Sindel: She doesn't give them often, but when she does it's the absolute Best. Mom hugs are best hugs, you can fight me on that. But her big up is the prehensile hair. Mom hug + more hug from hair? FUCK YES.

Reptile/Syzoth: I mean this for both reptilian and human form btw. Because in one case, gigantic croco-man being extra careful to not to nick you on claws and scales, and on the other, nuzzles and contact. BOTH have the ups of strength, dad hugs (his son may be dead but I will attest that no matter the status of the child, the ability to give dad hugs remains with the father in question) are also best hugs, and a tail. Also being cold-blooded he'll probably try to seek warmth from the person he's hugging. So more physical contact. Which is Amazing.

A Tier:

Raiden: Very sweet and kind, just BARELY didn't make S tier. Only because the lightning probably means he's got static everywhere and even if his amulet is turned off, he's still gonna accidentally shock you. Which for some people is negligible, but this is my list. Still great at hugs, but with a fatal flaw.

Liu Kang: Also a very near-miss for S tier. He's got a lot of the same ups as Kuai Liang, except he's a good deal less sensitive than the latter dialogue wise, and he strikes me as the kinda guy who feels a little awkward hugging people. Not bad in the slightest, but he prefers other methods of affection.

Kenshi: He's not a very physically affectionate person, before or after blindness, and probably has a few issues recognizing when it's necessary. However, when he does give hugs, (more likely that he's the one being given the hug), he's very sweet about it. Probably goes on for a while longer than originally intended, very good for touch starvation. Just don't expect it very often.

Kung Lao: Would be an S if he TOOK OFF THE FUCKING HAT. Look man, I'm tryna get physical affection, and you're real nice and sweet when you wanna be, but I am NOT tryna get decapitated by that fuckin table saw super-glued to your head! Good arms, tho.

Shao: Yeah this one surprised me too. But, big guy, leans down, and DEFINITELY a fan of head pats. But he's a near miss for B because of the fact that 1, definitely not a hugger, and 2, he's an asshole. He probably gives side hugs if absolutely necessary. Definitely hugged Reiko when he was a kid, tho.

Shang Tsung: OK HEAR ME OUT. Absolute BOTTOM of A tier, but DAMMIT that fucker is a convincing guy. He's spent years and years hawking fake cures and things, you think he doesn't know how to use physical means to make his sales pitch more convincing? He's actually very, very good at hugs and making people feel better about themselves, and that's part of what makes him so damn dangerous.

B Tier:

Kitana: People are gonna hate me for not putting her higher, huh? Well I speak naught but the truth. Bc my girl is NOT a hugger for anybody except her family. Just not really her thing. She prefers a handshake and good conversation from her friends and allies. She gives decent hugs when called for, and is a good person to hug in crisis, but she'd rather be there either in a group hug or on the side talking someone through it while one of the S or As handle the Actual Hugging Part.

Tanya: Same kinda deal as Kitana, but mostly for maintaining professionalism as an Umgadi. She's very sweet and understanding, but prefers to pat shoulders and give affection through presence unless you're very, VERY close to her (cough Mileena)

Ermac: Total wild card. Countless souls within the body mean countless possibilities for hug affinity or quality. So direct middle of B tier, just to be safe. Based on story mode, however, Jerrod is a solid S.

Ashrah: Again, not much of a hugger, but gives decent ones when necessary. Isn't used to physical affection in the slightest, but overtime may graduate to an A as she comes to understand touch as something that doesn't have to hurt.

Takeda: I... Really don't have an explanation for this one. I just. Very mid vibes.

Reiko: Affection is for weak losers, man up and get over it, why don't you? What do you mean touch doesn't have to be hostile, that's crazy talk, leave him alone. Nevermind the fact that he will probably break down sobbing if he gets a real hug he can't push away, and will probably come just this side of crushing the hugger's ribs in return, what? Didn't happen, if you speak of this, you lose your jaw. Why are you bringing the General into this?

C Tier:

Rain: Not a hugger, not good at it, doesn't want to be. Also VERY sweaty. Or maybe that's just his water magic. Either way not good. The only thing keeping him out of D tier is he's got a decent amount of strength to it.

Havik: Will absolutely detach his entire torso in the middle of a hug so the other person freaks the fuck out. He thinks this is funny. It's not.

Peacemaker: Cop mentality and insensitive. The ONLY reason he's not in D is because I am told John Cena is amazing at hugs, so he has some trickle-down skill from there.

Mileena: Was a solid A before getting Tarkat. Very sweet and physically affectionate, and one of the things she mourns the most from before the infection. She especially wishes she could hug Tanya and Kitana more often, but they're also the last people in the world she wants to get sick.

D Tier:

Sub-Zero/Bi-Han: Ew cold hands. Also believes that physical affection is a weakness and refuses to do it. How in the hell is he related to Kuai Liang???

Li Mei: Is a fucking cop. As a rule, cops are bad at hugs.

Quan Chi: Why would you ever want a hug from this fucker? Unless you're Shang Tsung. And even then it's probably not great just because he doesn't get the point.

Baraka: NOPE. Even if you don't care about Tarkat, he does, and will refuse hugs of any kind ever. Even if it wasn't contagious, he's very spiky and awkward with it. Ask Syzoth.

Omni-Man: Just as likely to crush your ribcage as to awkwardly pat the back, more either way depending. Best avoid this fashy fuck all together.

Geras: He is very sweet and a good emotional rock. But a hugger he is not. He refuses hugs with a similar fervency to Baraka, but without the urgency ofc. He hates hugs, and asks that you please respect his boundaries. Also he'd get sand all over your clothes.

Homelander: Do I even need to explain.

[ask-unpleasant]

hey chat sorry for the month of inactivity. i was unmotivated to do anything with this blog

but then i looked at some of the art on here and realized that i just lost my love for the character designs. so you know how we're gonna fix that? we're redesigning some characters bayybeeee 😈

starting with the man the myth the legend, here is UNPLEZZIE 2.0

he's probably the only one i had genuine problems with other than not being very aesthetically pleasing. he seemed too boring, his proportions were always a bit wonky, and the way he became more and more simple the more i drew him dumbed him down to just...awkward.

for this redesign, i kept all the features that made him my unpleasant. the only really signature thing i changed was his hair, sorry not sorry he had to fire his barber. i changed his scars to be far less opaque as to not clutter him up (which was the main reason i left them out most of the time), the only drawback is that i'm no longer just scribbling them in with a brush, they're actual geometry, so i cut back on the arms just for my own sake. also his tail now looks (and acts) like an actual docked tail.

next is the QSWX GVCTXMG AMXLSYX VIEPPC FIMRK GVCTXMG GLEVEGXIV SJ XLI CIEV, here is CREEPY 2.0

creepy was probably my least favorite character to draw. its head shape with the hair that always ends off screen, the 4 arms, the lack of any real way to move visible, it has always been a mess of a character. don't get me wrong, creepy is my second favorite character to write for (beaten only by neuro), i love its personality and its inflection, i just never got the chance to show that because i hated drawing it so much.

so for the redesign, i've basically reimagined it. its face hair now has an actual definitive ending, it has a more unique shape, and is just much more expunged-friendly in my opinion. it looks even more like its mom now...

next is this one, i thought she was american. here's PARANORMAL 2.0

i'm gonna be totally honest i have no idea what i was doing when designing para for the first time. that outfit was 100% subconsciously stolen from some other character i can't think of right now. it also really just didn't fit her character at all. also i dont know why i gave her boobs???? what????

anyways for the redesign she's basically a whole new design now. i wanted to play with some shape language. also, para always had a sort of inhuman quality to me, despite her personality, so i've given her inverted eyes and some animalistic features. i guess it adds irony or something, i dunno.

and finally, the moment GERIATRIC CAT you've all been waiting for, UNNERVING 2.0

in truth nervy's design is my favorite. the only gripe i had is the lack of legs, like with creepy. also i had to give her one of the same pride flag ass gradient as the rest so she'd fit in with the rest. other than all that i love her she is perfect just the way she is with minor adjustments

that's all the redesigns done!! i only did these 4 because stabby is not mine to redesign and NEURO is perfect just the way it is. feel free to give me any constructive criticism for these redesigns, i can always tweak em a bit. also the more stripy gradients wont a pattern that follows the contours of the body but rather just unmoving plaid always. i hope this lengthy yap sesh contributed something to something, maybe gave some insight into my characters.

and if you got this far i put a public discord server link in the intro post. you dont gotta ask anymore. dont tell anyone....shhh....*lovingly puts my finger on your lips* *smirks* *bolts away* *gets hit by truck* *instantly fatal*

[suffarustuffaru]

Looking at your past art has me really loving your drag king Natsumi, do you have any more thoughts on them? I'd love to hear them. Also just your genderbend ideas in general. They are very interesting!

for future reference, here is where i drew some drag king natsumi + sapphic ottosuba :) i definitely plan on making more genderbend au content in the future thats for sure! :o i have another older art post on this here also (i am. too lazy to find it rn but its there somewhere!!) but i have some in depth thoughts about fembaru for sure yes :3 ty for finding my genderbend ideas interesting!! :D !! id be happy to talk about them more :o

im gonna start with outward design stuff / gender presentation first!! :D bc in my head, afab subaru probably looks almost exactly the same. in general, canon subaru’s most likely at least a little androgynous (and i think he probably is judging off of how much he passes as the opposite sex!!), and we know hes got his dad’s spiky black hair and his mom’s mean eyes and general facial shape, has a long torso, that sort of thing, so i think afab subaru would look similar :o

plus i like to treat fembaru as basically just the mirror/foil/inverse of canon amab subaru anyway, so yep natsumi schwartz is gonna be her male persona!! canon amab subaru was mistaken as a girl when he was a child, and he also went to high school (iirc it was high school but at the very least he was about the same age he is during arc 1) for three days as natsumi yes and passed for three days. iirc he would put on the girl’s uniform and wig and stuff on the way to school and out of his parents’ view and then put on the male uniform and take off the wig before he got home!! plus you know he’d generally practice makeup most likely and wig styling and all sorts of things in private.

so definitely afab subaru is doing similar stuff but in the opposite direction now—looking more masc and presenting as a boy. while amab subaru can put on and take off a wig, in my head, afab subaru would probably have to have shorter hair. so one day she just got a haircut thats short enough to where she could style it masculinely but longer enough to where it could still be kinda considered feminine enough!!

im not 100% sure how to draw her hair yet but in my earlier post and a few of my sketches it kinda looks like either a long mullet/wolfcut or a messy bob :3 i think you could probably say that her hair looks more like a wacky bob when shes more feminine and a wolfcut when shes styling it more masculinely?

(^^ my take on fem wrathbaru is here also LMAO)

i also base my fembaru design off of canon natsumi!! with the side bang (though i sometimes draw it on the wrong side akdnd)!! meanwhile fembaru’s male natsumi would have canon amab subaru’s hair :) (which you can see in my earlier post as well!!)

(i like this illustration actually <3)

i also like to hc that on top of subaru wanting to look and act more like his dad in canon, he did also kinda want to resemble his mom when hes presenting more femininely :o also for genderbend aus it depends on whether you ONLY want to genderbend subaru or if you wanna genderbend everyone along with subaru too, that sort of thing. i like to play with both possibilities :o

but in general, i like the idea of subaru either way trying to honor both her mom and dad. maybe to subaru her mom is what an ideal woman should be perhaps, and her dad is the ideal man, bc subarus parents are her biggest role models, so she tries to emulate both at different points in her life. she tries to be the perfect soft sweet girl like her mom and it doesnt work. she leans into being a bit of a delinquent and it doesnt work. then she cuts her hair and learns to present more masculinely and tries to copy her dad only to fail again. :((( then she gets isekaied……

i feel like afab subaru might get a bit more shit for getting into trouble too :(( or for being too loud. shes not very traditionally ladylike, i think!! boys will be boys and of course your daughter takes after you, kenichi, but dont you think shes a little too rough around the edges now?

anyway otherwise in general, i also like the idea that over the course of each arc in the fantasy world, subaru grows her hair out!! and once its long enough she can put it into a ponytail like her mom again :,)))

(male rem is here too <3)

also i like to give fembaru the maid dress instead of the butler outfit!!! probably not with the garter and stuff but 😭😭 its a pretty dress and fembaru should get to express herself both masculinely and femininely :3 in my head, i think subaru would be shy bc AGHH THIS DRESS IS SO REVEALING THERES NO WAY ID LOOK GOOD IN THIS IM NOT PRETTY AT ALL and rem and ram (genderbent or not) are probably like nonsense just try the dress. its your uniform to work here. and subaru does and huhhhh. maybe i dont look half bad ? :,) (bc of course subaru’s insecurities either present themselves the same or slightly different when genderbended). and of course when rem and ram warm up to subaru eventually ram can be like “you dont look as bad as i thought youd look” or something and rem can be like “subaru-kun youre very beautiful anyways!!!! <3”

and also i do think subaru would cut her hair a bit again or style it different for natsumi adventures later in arc 7 <3 just to have that symmetry again. the situation probably might go a little different but yep this is how id handle it 👍

and of course you can give subaru the canon natsumi hair bow sometimes when shes feeling fancy :3

OKAY and now im gonna talk about more character stuff!! lets talk about subarus whole thing with isekai and genre savviness and all that.

one of canon subaru’s many many Many parts making him up as a character and making up his story in general is a deconstruction of the isekai genre!! power fantasy and characters being cardboard cutouts for the male mc to triumph without a struggle—that sort of thing. but afab subaru is a female lead now, and female isekai is different.

id have to do way more research into this and watch more female isekai and shoujo and stuff (ive been Really wanting to watch im in love with the villainess…… someday i will…..). buuut from what ive noticed so far it seems like for male lead isekai the fantasy here is the Power and Prestige, but female lead isekai’s fantasy seems to be the Romance!! not that you cant have OP abilities in female lead isekais and not that every isekai is 100% the same of course. but that seems to be the common tropes from what ive seen so far? male isekai protags have girls throwing themselves at him as trophies, female lead isekais have their male romantic interests and the evil evil villainesses are defeated somehow and perfectly out of the way <3 the fantasy is that youll be loved by The One—the perfect boy(s) <3

and i think amab subaru is less likely to check out much female lead isekai but i think itd be fun if afab subaru would probably focus on female lead isekai but also a bit on male lead isekai as well!! she wants that absolute path to glory AND love. (and ahahhahahaha please ignore the gazillion ikemen anime figurines in her room hahahahahhahhahahahah AND DEFINITELY IGNORE THE SILVER HAIRED ONES. ESPECIALLY THE ONLY GIRL FIGURINE SHE HAS THATS BEEN GATHERING DUST UNDER HER BED—)

but also bc i think amab subarus more likely to go nah i wont look at girly media while maybe afab subarus like godddddddd i want instant OP abilitiessssssssssss and godddddddd i want hot girls around m—WHAT. WHAT. WHO SAID THAT WHO SAID THAT—

anyway so subaru gets isekaied and shes like SWEEETTT A NEW BEGINNING AWAY FROM NOT BEING ABLE TO MEET EXPECTATIONS HAHAHAHAHA IM THE ISEKAI PROTAG!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!! (is about to get her shit rocked). and shes like ooooh do i have any abilities (nope) and oooohhhhhh shit do i have a villainess. AM I THE VILLAINESS???? no way right. anyway lol wheres the ikemen who’ll ill marry one day. the ikemen that falls in love….. with a commoner……… like myself teehee… and they get married…… and the villainess is CONQUERED….

anyway so what im saying is. ………….fembaru is a femcel. AND a pick me. AND a disaster bisexual. you could practically imagine a vine boom after each of those.

i think the biggest most important to me with genderbend aus is keeping the humanity of the characters the same the best i can!! and fembaru is STILL subaru, of course shes fucking cringe!! of course shes got a heart of gold but its under layers of cringe!!! of course shes a nerd who doesnt have any friends at first and trips and stumbles through all the shit being thrown her way!!

also if male subaru is bi then so is fem subaru okay. we’re equal opportunity here. and also amab subaru has issues with his masculinity and uhhhh slight things with women (see: his boob comments in season 1…….. subaru i love you but cmon man). so. afab subaru i think has got a terrible case of internalized misogyny / homophobia / PROBABLY SOME COMPHET TOO LMFAO 😭😭

i think general plot beats (whether its only genderbending subaru or genderbending everyone) goes mostly the same but again, slight differences. im gonna go with only subaru being genderbent atm bc thatd have more differences i think :o

yes ok so subaru’s gonna see reinhard and go GASPPP oh my god. pretty ikemen. ohhhhhh oughhhhh hes so pretty. hes clearly main lead material… ohhhh what do i do ive never talked to people in so long and hes so PRETTY FUUUCKKKKK BUT I DONT WANNA BOTHER HIM EITHER AND PUT HIM IN DANGER. um um um um mmumimimm HE CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US TOO???? what the hell what the fuck what the fuck shit shit um think THINK SUBARU THINK YOU HAVE CHARM RIGHT?? YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN CHARM A HOT GUY. ARGGHHH— *explodes*

but also subaru sees emilia and gets that “do i wanna be her or be with her” feeling 😭😭 bc emilias so….. cute…. pretty… and NICE TOO?? WITH A FUN PERSONALITY??? SHIT SHES GOT EVERYTHING!! she went out of her way to save me 🥺🥺 and im just dragging her down 😔😔 BUT FUCKKKK I HATEEEE HOW GOOD SHE IS. and then :,)))) theyre both dying in the warehouse… and the first time subaru feels the touch of another girl in a more intimate light is her and emilia holding hands as they die…………….

SO YEAH THEN SUBARU RBDS :,,)))) so like. do you get what im saying. emisuba and remsuba and satella are subaru’s first sapphic heartbreaks and heartaches. muahahaha!!!! insert more evil laughter here!!!! bc since subarus a girl her relationships with emisuba and remsuba are definitely gonna be perceived (both by other people and rem emilia subaru) more so as friendships first and foremost.

so….. subarus getting the codependent homoerotic teenage friendship bright and early HAH. but i cannot blame her!! i too would go insane if i was put in a new unfamiliar world and i met this cute girl i was both jealous of and a little into and then we both died and the last thing i felt was searing pain and her soft fingertips!!! i too would go insane if i thought this maid was my friend but then she tortured me and—and—

but yeah you know how amab subaru has his whole weird complex bromances with reinhard and julius and otto?? now itll be like that but with emilia (the julius and reinhard…) and rem (the otto….). emilias the girl subaru’s having “do i wanna be her or be with her” weird rivalry shit with (subaru’s internalized misogyny probably also adding to this bc Obviously theyre rivals) and rem’s the girl who brutally betrays subaru personally (worlds worst homoerotic teenage friendship breakup of all time 😭😭) but then she later becomes subaru’s loyal best friend???? crazy shit.

and like emilia and rem are totaaally villainesses in subaru’s way (except emilias sweet af and misjudged by the entire world and subaru doesnt have the heart to fight rem and also shes chugging copium and trying not to think about failed loops. or about her gay feelings). toxic yuri is toxic yuri-ing. subaru doesnt wanna be explicit about it….. emilia isnt sure of her feelings other than stuff like caring a lot abt subaru… and rem is. Rem. so theyre all in gay situationship limbo HAH.

also as an afab person too rip subaru for also having periods while the whole world is ending on repeat 😭😭 LMFAOO. im sure theres medieval fantasy remedies though (and rem is 1000% spoiling subaru on her period)

also no one can tell me that echidna and rem WOULDNT still be into subaru as much as they are in canon. subaru regardless of gender fascinates echidna and her greed. subaru regardless of gender is someone rem will grow very very attached to. and if anything, rem would get way more bold with afab subaru.

bc the thing with female relationships is that i feel like theres a higher level of intimacy that you gotta go to for it to be considered more romantic or homoerotic. with guys it could be like holding hands and other people might be like WOAH THATS GAY, but if girls do the same thing its like aww youre such good friends. i think rem would take advantage of her and subaru being the same sex and she’d probably keep trying like “hey um um wanna cuddle together?? in the same bed?? and bathe together teehee?? i can help do your hair and dress you up? and make lots of cute dresses for you ? :) <3 🥰 and i can even massage your bo—I MEAN YOUR BACK. YOUR BACK!!” or it’ll be like. rem gets a little too happy that her and subaru’s periods get synced up or something 😭😭 shes Not Normal (and unfortunately subarus probably a little too into that)

also unfortunately the other time a girl touched subaru intimately was satella squeezing her heart :(((( and hahahah between that and rem and emilia and later echidna…. ohhhh poor subaru and her terrible toxic yuri 😭😭 her sapphic experiences and experiences with women have not been 1000% great.

but also of course subaru is so very not normal. you have the canon typical “lol every memory is a good one <3 even rem torturing me teehee <33” and also i just think itd be funny if you as an audience is lead to believe subarus jealous of emilia and rem’s boob sizes and no. no shes just gay. shes GAY.

and stuff like everything going on with julius and otto gets recharacterized too. bc subarus a girl and the guys are guys its probably gonna get perceived more both in and out of universe in a more. Quite Literally Straightforward light. esp bc subaru’s still gonna be into reinhard and julius lbr HAH.

i want arc 3 to still be an absolute fucking disaster with fembaru. let fembaru be flawed and ugly!!!! so in my au thoughts here itd be like. subaru feels jealous and threatened by lots of people. emilia, though its subsided a bit after becoming friends and after learning a bit more abt emilia as a person. but also i think subaru could feel so so jealous of the royal candidates!! esp crusch priscilla anastasia even though subaru will 1000% think theyre bitches at first during arc 3. bc theyre such strong determined women who seem way more confident than subaru herself is…. and also im sure there’ll be complex thoughts from her on felix too bc crossdressing… gender presentation… is a complex thing for subaru.

and subaru with julius is like. “get away from emilia!!!! shes mine!!! shes MY best friend that im homoerotically codependent on and obsessive of!!!! and also youre just trying to steal reinhard’s ikemen male lead spot huh!!!!! bastard!!!! (i hate that youre so pretty too)” and everything of course blows up in subaru’s face. im sure at some point in the story subaru might get slutshamed for having all these connections to people and romantic threads (especially since shes afab) but also its like. wow shes such a stupid girl lol causing a racket.

and uh being a man beating up a girl looks a little worse due to gender roles and stuff but lot of the knights are still gonna want to go after subaru and julius is still gonna want to save subaru. :,,)))) arc 3 emisuba breakup….. worlds worst sapphic breakup of all time…. and later rem will be the one that got away also :(((((

but yeah i think in general this subaru’s connections would be a little more. subtexty with the girls bc she’d be more hesitant to be explicit. but a bit more explicit with the guys bc itll be easily perceived as romantic in and out of universe. and of course subaru i think will be flustered in different ways between the girls vs guys—with the girls its OHH GOD I CANT BE GAY I CANT BE GAY NOOOOO I HAVE A RIVALRY!!! IM SO JEALOUS OF THEM!! BUT. BUT I LIKE THEM!! OHH GOD. with the guys its OH NO. GOOD LOOKING GUYS???? FML. FML!!!!! WHERES MY MAIN CHARACTER CHARM??? HOW DO I TALK TO GUYS???? JULIUS STOP MAKING FUNNOF ME!!! >:(((

also brief note on otto bc things are probably gonna go different here qkdnd. like i definitely am of course of the opinion that otto fell in love with subaru. in every damn arc in every damn main route otto side content hes getting unhinged over subaru in a way that i think makes a little less sense if you dont view it as otto just Not Being Normal About Subaru in a perhaps vaguely homoerotic way. Possibly? Maybe? Schrodinger's relationship blues.

but subarus afab now!! and ottos still a guy!!! and reinhard and julius are friendly with subaru right, but at around arc 4 things they dont show explicit romantic interest. (i think arc 5-6+ julisuba and juliemisuba would be 👀👀👀 though.) but otto?? in a universe where subaru is a girl??? well now its more acceptable for him to be grow openly head over heels for subaru. but also its probably also more pathetic bc now its probably gonna be more obviously taken by others as otto having a Romantic crush on subaru. regardless of whatever otto's feelings are.

and subarus had her arc 3 development right. but here its like. you wanted a male character who’d fall in love with you and be loyal to you and do Anything for you???? here you go!!! but also given otto is Like That and gets worse by arc 7-8 i think hes gonna seem a bit more sinister. not that canon otto with canon subaru isnt sinister but theres different connotations to male otto paired with female subaru. bc it sort of follows straight dark romance rules, right, with the cunning possessive male love interest and the female protagonist…

i doubt anything explicit would go on between otto and subaru in an au like this bc 1. otto and his avoidant attachment LMFAO and 2. subaru and her issues also and 3. subaru in main route is Not as into otto to the same extent or degree otto is HAH.

and fembarus probably like. i think itd be funny if she was a little disappointed otto wasnt a girl 😭😭😭 but then later hes weird about crossdressing and shes like why dont you wanna do it huh 👁👁👁👁 why are you weird about it 👁👁👁👁 im staring at your glass closet right now—

and also its like. “WHY ARE YOU THE FIRST BOY TO ACTUALLY BE IN LOVE WITH ME WHAT???” which i think is hilarious but i also think it could be fascinating in terms of playing with gender!! bc otto may want to be in control of things, but hes also so subservient to subaru anyway. otto and subaru are both androgynous; otto can pass as a girl and subaru can pass as a boy. if you wanna simplify things further you could also explain this as—otto is a man who looks like a woman who’s pledged his servitude to a woman who looks like a man. very intriguing imo!!

but of course ottosuba power dynamics are Always shifting over and over like a game of tug of war, but the most common thing is that otto will bow his head to subaru but under the surface ottos trying to be in charge. that sort of thing!! and the idea of male otto servicing female subaru is an idea rezero ao3 seems to like also but :,) lets just say its not fully to my taste haha :,,))

and otto is definitely not gonna beat up subaru’s ass so easily this time around bc itd look so bad and he’d know that lmfao 😭😭

but i think theres a lot of potential to play around with gender roles and such with all of these dynamics!! im very passionate about making my genderbend au ideas as wild and layered as possible :o !!

this is all my main ideas atm (and id love to draw stuff like more drag king natsumi or fem reinsuba :) ) but yes i hope this all makes sense :D !! thanks for reading this far and thanks for the ask!!

[starvity]

hii! i was wondering if u could write anything for serim<3

— ☆ little things he does that make you fall more in love with him

gn!reader x cravity serim

genre: fluff // warnings: reader wears makeup and their hair is on the longer side, jealous serim, big crowds, kisses?!

author's note: hi thank you so much for being my first request!! i wasn't very inspired and decided to just give you a bunch of headcanons for serim because i think he's definitely boyfie material!!! hope you enjoy reading <3 (★ω★)/ [requested♡]

always having your hair tie around his wrist

when he saw you were struggling to keep your hair out of your face on your date last time, he decided to carry a hair tie around since you tend to forget yours. you were working on one of your assignments on your laptop when you felt a hand put a strand of hair behind your ear ; it was your boyfriend's serim, who was watching a movie next to you. suddenly, he gets up and circles the couch to get behind you. he softly gathers your hair and carefully puts it in a loose ponytail before slightly tilting your head up and kissing your forehead.

pulling you by the belt loops of your jeans to kiss you

it seems like serim has been clingier than usual today. maybe it was how you were carefully applying lipstick in the mirror, brows furrowed in concentration or how you were carefully picking your outfit for tonight that had that effect on him. "can't we just stay here and order takeout?" serim asks in a whiny voice. you look at him confused, why was he suddenly changing plans when he sounded so excited to go to this party earlier? when you didn't seem to quite agree with his suggestion, you feel him slip his index fingers through the belt loops of your jeans before pulling you closer and landing his lips on yours. "are you... jealous?" you giggle through the kiss.

having an arm around you in a crowd

being in such a big crowd did not make you feel very at ease, that's for sure. serim and you did not expect to see so many people at the summer festival. well, it was quite popular and the weather was very good that day but maybe if you knew beforehand that you were going to be squished between strangers the entire evening, you would have probably prefered staying home. it was starting to get very hot standing here, waiting for the people in front of you to slowly walk to the small exit. your forehead started to sweat and your hand holding serim's became clammy. suddenly, you feel serim wrap his arm around your waist and fan your face with his hand. "we're almost there baby." he tries to calm you down with a sweet smile.

speaking to you in a soft voice

you have forgotten how many times serim has let himself fall into your embrace after a long day spent at his agency. he does love his members, so much, but being the leader and living with 8 other boys can be extremely exhausting. it is when you once visited him during one of his dance practices that you witnessed the chaos for the first time. seongmin was running after allen, minhee and hyeongjun were fighting, jungmo and wonjin were having a screaming contest while taeyoung and woobin were loudly practicing their vocals. you look at serim with a concerned and tired face and he softly giggles between sighs. he tries to convince everyone to go back to working with a rather stern voice but nobody seemed to hear him. you don't think you have ever heard him so strict-sounding so when he came to you, softly asking you if you want him to drive you back to your house, you were surprised. so i really do have the partner privilege?

getting along well with your parents/friends

"did you invite serim too?" your mom asks as you and your friend set the table. you raise an eyebrow at her, "i haven't seen you in 2 weeks because i was out of town but you're still asking for my boyfriend?" sometimes you can't help but think she might like him a little more than her own child. your conversation got cut off by the doorbell ringing and you chuckle as you see your mom run to the front door. you hear the faint sound of serim's giggles as she basically engulfs him in a hug. you look at him with loving eyes as he greets your friend and laughs at a joke they make. he finally gets in front of you and plants a soft kiss on your cheek "did i keep you waiting? i didn't know i was going to get attacked with love as soon as i stepped foot in your house." he apologizes timidly. you simply giggle and kiss the back of his hand "we seriously can't break up because i feel like my relatives would be more devastated than i would."

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hello! Mom anon here! After playing through Chapter 6, my mom is terrified for Yuu's well-being.

First off, she was scared for life and crying her eyes out when Grim, Vil and Jamil were taken away. She especially felt bad for Kalim and Trey throughout the chapter. She also got deeply concerned because Ramshackle was destroyed.

As each boy was taken away, my mother got more scared and was pissed at Idia. She did understand he didn't want to do this though. She also refused to believe Ortho could do any harm.

When Crowley got taken away, she legit didn't even feel bad for him.

When the boys were being taken away, she thought Leona letting Riddle nap on his lap was kinda cute. She was shook at the reveal that Idia was from a famous family. "Still a capitalist I see" was what she said about Azul.

She was crying about Deuce and Ace. Crewel is now her favorite teacher.

She found it sweet that Epel and Rook wanted to save Vil but pitied Yuu.

She thought the whole gaming part was hilarious as well as her favorite.

Now Rook is her second favorite character.

She was crying for Ortho and Grim the whole chapter.

She felt really bad for Malleus because it reminded her of when she was a teenager. Let's just say my mom used to think she didn't need friends bit it all changed when she started warming up to people.

She was so proud of Epel for getting his unique magic.

Vil kissing Epel, Rook and Yuu was so sweet.

She thought the team ups were interesting especially Jamil and Leona.

Lol she thought the monsters were a fuss.

The Shroud brothers' backstory made her BAWL her eyes out but she was also angrily wondering where the parents were.

She felt bad for Vil turning old and was happy to see him get his young self back.

White haired Riddle is her new favorite thing.

The reunion was sweet to her, especially with ADeuce, Grim and Yuu.

She now calls Malleus "Our Lord and Savior, MalMal"

She's happy that Ramshackle got fixed.

Mama legit bursted into tears of joy when she saw Ortho again. "OH MY GOD!! He's a part of the first years! I'm so happy!"

Overall, she's glad that everything's fine for now.

Now she's worried for Malleus and all of Diasomnia. The trailer for Chapter 7 made her shout "Don't you dare try to put everyone to sleep, Tsunotaro!!"

Crowley is still on her hit list 😂.

[Here’s the other installments for the Mom Anon: Ep 2 / Ep 3 / Ep 4 / Ep 5]

There’s no Ep 1 for Heartslabyul—

Hello again and welcome back!

While I do enjoy chatting about TWST 😅 I ask that you try to cut down on the size of your asks for the future; this one and the episode 5 one have been particularly bulky. I understand that this is likely a function of the main story getting progressively longer, but please try to do your best to summarize the most relevant points.

Making each line is a new point doesn’t leave me with a lot that is meaningful to comment on, so parts of my response may be short or skip over some sections altogether 💦

Thank you for understanding! 🙏 I’m going to spoiler tag this response since 6 is just starting to be released for EN and I don’t want to spoil anyone that wants to go in blind.

I think episode 6 definitely has one of the most bombastic starts of all the main story episodes, and it manages to maintain that momentum for quite a bit. No one was quite expecting the mass raid and kidnapping 😂 we were just joking around about Vil kicking down the door and dragging Idia away from his video games kicking and screaming. 6 is when we get a lot of payoff for all of the OBs that have already transpired earlier in the plot, so the fear really kicks in. It also gives an opportunity for the non-OB boys to step up and do something in the absence of key members of their respective dorms (ie maintain order and keep the mob students from panicking).

There was an initial outcry when the first part of episode 6 released, with the rage being directed at Idia. A lot of people believed that he was the one responsible for the kidnappings and that he would subject the OB boys to unspeakable horrors as test subjects 😔 but it later turns out he’s an unwilling participant (his parents ordered him to), and the experiments mainly consist of simulated battles and playing video games. The test subjects also torment Idia as much as he torments them sooo I guess it’s even?? I just wish people hadn’t jumped to conclusions or had been so reactionary. I understand feeling worried for the safety of the characters, but some of the things being said at the time definitely weren’t warranted and went too far 💦

Something that episode 6 does well is demonstrating the bonds that have been built between the various characters in the core cast. There’s determination in Ace and Deuce rushing in to protect their friends, Pomefiore and Yuu going out of their way to rescue Vil and Grim, the strength of the vices (+ Kalim) and the NRC staff staying behind to keep the school together, and the various OB boys teaming up to venture into S.T.Y.X.’s headquarters. Everyone bands together and tries working things out in their own ways. Yeah, they hit a few (okay, a LOT of) bumps in the road, but they’re able to pull it off in the end. 6 definitely gave me a lot of food for thought, especially on the OB boys and how they have changed since their initial appearances. (I wrote this analysis of the various groupings!) I’m looking forward to rereading the localization of 6 in EN just to experience the magic again 😤

dbjssbkwns It’s good to know that Rook’s getting some appreciation 😂 He’s really the one driving this whole rescue mission with his unique magic/signature spell, so he deserves the praise!

I was in the same boat as Rook, Epel, and Yuu when Vil asked if he could hug and kiss them! I was shocked that he could be so affectionate bfjsbsksns and even funnier, that means Vil’s the first of the TWST cast to canonically kiss the player (most likely on the cheek). The TWST OC/TWSTsona community likes to romantically ship their own Yuus with various boys in the cast (and a lot of us initially got into TWST thinking it was a dating sim), so Vil giving a kiss of thanks is kind of a funny (but probably unintentional) subversion of that.

First it was Deuce in 5, then it’s Epel getting his unique magic/signature spell in 6! (I’m hoping this means Ace discovers his in 7 😭) I really liked that Rook served as a mentor figure to Epel and helped to guide him in stilling his nerves and directing his newly discovered magic! He’s like a proud parent…

Episode 6 is notorious for its time-gating snd restrictive battles (which were not seen in previous episodes). This can be very frustrating so 💦 I hope the EN players are prepared to deal with it! Some of the battles are super tough and will require a diverse card pool to achieve victory. Luckily though, some time can be saved because the JP players have already figured out and posted the answers to some of the puzzles online.

I think the Shroud brothers’ backstory was the only one of the OB boys that made me cry 🥲 It was just so emotionally resonant in a way that the others weren’t. (I also wrote an analysis about Idia, Ortho, and coping with loss, if you’re interested in that!) I believe the commonly accepted theory is that the Shroud parents are absent or hands-off when it comes to child rearing; there’s subtle hints of it throughout 6, such as Idia saying his parents care more about getting results than their son’s feelings and how it is the researchers that check on Idia a few years after Ortho’s passing rather than the Shroud parents.

Vil turning old in his selfless effort to save Idia was a clever way to incorporate the “hag” form of the Evil Queen for whom he is twisted from. It also helps his character arc come full circle 🥺 when he repeats the same words Rook spoke to him at the end of episode 5… “In this moment, I am the fairest of them all”, while looking old and decrepit… It shows that Vil has come to truly love himself in spite of how others may perceive him.

dbksbwjxnsk?vdhw Albino hair goldfishie is cute 🥰

The reunion of everyone at the end was one of the best parts of 6 (though let’s be fair, 6 had a LOT of really bangin’ parts), especially considering that this is happening so close to “the end”. You come to see and appreciate just how far you—and, by extension—all of these characters have come, the genuine friendships they’ve formed… and how that’s all going to go away very, VERY soon (due to Lilia and Malleus’s ominous conversation about the brevity of human life, and how the bonds they form make them stronger). You just KNOW the next episode will tackle mortality, loneliness, and losing the ones you love most (particularly because Yuu finding a way home will become relevant again). It makes 6’s ending super bittersweet.

Ramshackle gets fixed and we get to enjoy that luxury for all of 5 seconds before heading home—

I was so pumped seeing Ortho finally being realized as his own person and a student independent of Idia 😭 He’s the robot that was able to turn into a “real boy”, against all odds. He was able to take that 0.01% and turn that slim possibility into 100%. Ortho has definitely earned his spot at school and in all of our hearts!!

I didn’t really care what happened to Crowley when I was actually playing 6, but now I want 7 to explain what he was up to during that time 🤔 Like, we never know what he was being asked about or if he was actually being interviewed at all??? I just think it’s suspicious that we’re being left in the dark about those details.

On a final note, let’s talk Malleus! I think his general struggle is something many people can relate to. Loneliness is something we’ve all experienced one way or another. Even if we’re surrounded by tons and tons of people, we can still feel isolated and alone because there’s a component of loneliness that comes from doubt, and self-imposed circumstances. In Malleus’s case, he’s so used to loneliness that it has become his status quo, and this isolation is not only perpetuated by others but also unknowingly by himself in the little ways he acts—the arrogance, the standoffishness, etc. It can even difficult to be the one to reach out, because it involves a degree of being vulnerable yourself, of letting others “see” you as you are, rather than as the front you put up for the sake of saving grace or upholding a particular image. I hope that anyone who has ever felt like this is able to overcome it and find good company as your mom has 🙏

Episode 7 ahoy! If part 1 is of any indication, we’re in for a very… exciting ride 😇 in which Malleus may or may not take any means necessary to prevent his friends and family from leaving him—

[vividentropy]

Entry #1

The Entries Catalog | Monday, July 8, 2024

12:36 PM

I finally got my ass out of bed. Today, Hurricane Beryl decided to make its way here. We have no electricity, so I have no idea when this will be posted.

At least I charged my laptop so I can at least write what’s been going on. The back door suddenly opened from the wind. I ran over there to close and lock it. Figured my dad could just knock the shit out of the door when he needed to go in, but mom said to leave it unlocked and just make sure it was closed well. So, I did that. Then I told my cat he was a good boy for not running outside when the door was wide open. See, he’s a retired veteran from the outdoors. Usually, he would sprint the moment he sees his chance to relive his younger years but not this time. I take it the wind was too intimidating for him. I still called him a good boy for not running out.

My family got lucky. All we’re getting is high winds and no electricity. Some areas north and west of ours got flooding and worse damage. Don’t even want to think of the areas south of us. My far neighbor’s tree got split in half with some of the branches on top of the car. Three small parts of the fence in our backyard got toppled down. Those won’t be repaired until my parents come back from their trip. I can hear the rumble of a generator from a neighbor in another street. I wonder how they got their generator set up. It always powers on immediately when there’s no power and off when there is. I’ll ask my dad one day.

Currently, my mom is making homemade chili. We have a gas stove, so we can still cook food. We also have plenty of water. My family uses this water service this for our water dispenser thingy upstairs. They send several three-gallon things of water. I have some right now. My dad is working on our generator, wondering when my brother will get up. My mom is back to crocheting a shirt and my sis is reading this book on seeds. My cat is just laying on the floor all cute and stuff.

I’m not gonna lie, it is a tad humid in here. Thankfully, the sun is covered by the clouds, so we aren’t dying of the heat, but we do have light to see.  I do have a handheld fan that I’ll grab in a second. That and more water since I’m thirsty as fuck.

Off in the distance I hear someone using a chainsaw. Probably to cut down the tree branches they can cut off. That’s wild, to be honest. The wind is strong enough to push me aside like tumbleweed. I have to use force to push the door shut. It’s not as bad as Harvey or Ike (I do recall with Ike that the wind being so strong I could see the wind punching the door partially open). But I know there’s still others less fortunate out there than I.

Anyways, to better things.

Yesterday, I downloaded FFXIV Online. I downloaded the free trial. Definitely did not expect it to take over six hours to download, but it did. I spent all that time waiting watching YouTube videos from AstralSpiff and Chickeninja42. The moment everything was done downloading, I hopped on the game. I only got as far as character creation. Which is not far, to be honest. But I did finish the character! I customized her the same way as I do in every video game that I own that has character customization - white hair, red eyes, fair skin, and some muscle. Her hair had to pulled back. Funny enough, choosing the voice I wanted for her took longer than anything else. It was great having my sister helping me out though. Not that she plays the game, but I like having her input. If I have time and electricity, I’ll put a picture of her below this paragraph.

[I am absolutely not in my computer to screenshot. RIP.]

I hope we get electricity back soon, but my gut tells me it’ll be a good while before it comes back. Maybe tomorrow morning. Will I even work tomorrow?

Eyyy, my brother finally made it downstairs. I’ll take it as my cue to go write or do something else. Cause, to be honest, I can only type as long as this laptop battery will last me.

5:41 PM

Electricity isn’t back yet. I’ve spent the last several hours napping my life away after I ate. For some reason the tiredness washed over me. Could keep my eyes open. So far, my phone is on 80% because I haven’t been using it. I need to remember to call my boyfriend later because I want to hear his voice. We won’t be able to FaceTime today which sucks but that’s okay. I need him to know that I’m alright. I mean, he knows I’m okay, but I want him to hear it out of my mouth.

The sky is blue. Like nothing ever happened. My mom stuck her tongue out at it.

I did finally wash my hair. I didn’t put conditioner, just leave-in. My lower back pain flared up which made me cut my wash time in half. Let’s see how long my hair lasts. For now, I’ll just sit here and talk to my mom and sister.

7:10 PM

My dad and brother got the generator working. It’s working upstairs for sure. Got my phone charging. I think they’re trying to get the refrigerator and freezer to turn on. I’m just saying, we can do without the TV. And we could just keep the power downstairs instead of both. I can sleep on the floor that’s chill.

For now, my mom is going to find something for us to eat. I am going to try to cool down some more. All I want is to cool down. At least the A/C is on so the upstairs can cool down. There’s nothing much else to say.

I did talk to my boyfriend on the phone for a little bit, but the call dropped. It was nice hearing his voice. He’s more freaked out than me, but in his defense, I’m used to this.

Just talked to bro. He said the freezer and fridge are working. He’s going to turn off the A/C because we don’t have enough gas. That’s cool, to be honest. We can survive the heat for a little while. It could always be worse. I have my handheld fan, it’ll be okay.

8:11 PM

WE GOT POWER BACK, BABY! Wifi isn’t working but honestly, I don’t care.

I’d like to thank the hard workers who oversee the electricity shit because I know they’ve been working nonstop. I also like to thank my boyfriend for being patient with me. Honestly, just give it up to the electricians who were working honestly all-day getting shit done.

Now, I have to be real, I’m probably one of the lucky ones. While the storm was only during the day, there’s probably still well over a million people without power. I hope they get theirs soon. For now, I’m going to finally relax, maybe take a cup of decaf coffee, and continue playing minesweeper for the rest of the night. Hey, I might even get on YouTube. I’ll see what I’ll do.

Until next time,

Vivid Entropy

[vee-is-a-clown]

Log Entry #4

Red,

You would not believe the day that I've had. I am mentally exhausted. I need to write all this down. Where do I start?

First thing I did today was go into town with Kosmo to buy food. I wore my fancy coat and put my hair in a ponytail. It makes me look like I have something important to do and people don't bother me. I got bread, potatoes, carrots, honey, and tea. I could get more but I don't have the time to cook nor the patience to learn how.

I got home and put everything away. I then set off with Kosmo to go to the McClain's house. I was not excited. I didn't want to be weird about it. I absolutely was though. I was absolutely freaking out.

I got there and Mrs. McClain was worried because I never go to their house. I told her that everything was fine and that I wanted to talk to someone. I don't think she believed me. She invited me in anyway. I honestly don't know what I expected. Would she not invite me in? Probably not.

She sat me down in the dining room and left to make some tea. In that short time, Veronica came in and asked me how I was doing, Rachel passed through and waved at me, and Nadia skipped in and asked where Kosmo was. She then left to go pet him. She's such an energetic little girl, I wonder how they get her to sit still.

The McClain family truly amazes me sometimes. Anyway, Mrs. McClain came back with a pot of tea, apple slices, and honey. I keep telling her that I don't need her to put effort into our interactions but she won't listen. I don't see why she does things like cutting apples or even making tea. It really doesn't matter. Infact, it makes it worse because I don't want to be ungrateful and not eat the food but if I eat to much, then I'm taking advantage of her hospitality.

We talk for a bit. I think it was around noon at this point. Lance stumbled in, looking dazed. It was as if he just woke up. I didn't exactly recognize him but he's the only McClain that I haven't seen and he perfectly matches his mother's description. He yawned and looked around until he saw me and I thought I was going to die. Nothing happened but he looked at me for longer than someone normally would as if trying to recognize why a stranger was having tea with his mom. Completely reasonable, honestly. It still freaked me out though.

What happened next was so confusing. He called me "That boy from the hospital" and asked me how I was doing since I left the hospital. How the hell does he know me from the hospital? I didn't say anything so he kept talking and asked me where I'd been. He said that he hadn't seen me in ages. Again, what the hell? I have no memory of even seeing him. How does he remember me? It's been about 5 years since I've worked with Shiro, in the hospital. He seemed a little offended that I didn't remember our interactions.

Also, apparently his family has been refusing to tell him my name or current occupation which is funny. I would do that to Shiro if he didn't already know everybody.

Anyway, Lance sat down next to me and had an apple which I didn't mind and Mrs. McClain luckily didn't scold him for. I hate when people get in trouble when I'm around. It makes everything awkward. But Lance just sat there and Mrs. McClain told him that I was here as a guest so he should be mindful. She then continued our conversation.

It was hard but I managed to bring up my possible need for an assistant which confused Lance a lot. He still somehow didn't piece together that I'm a witch. Mrs. McClain laughed which scared me because I don't know if she's laughing at how stupid the situation is, how stupid I am, or some silly little thing in her head.

Anyway, Lance finally learned that I'm a witch and volunteered. Yeah, I'm screwed. It was at that point that I realized that I hadn't thought this through. I was committed now. I'm going to have to work with this boy who apparently knows me.

Also, he definitely doesn't live close enough to me to do the job. It's an hour's walk and judging based off today, he wouldn't get here until after I would actually need him. I'll have to make a deal with Allura for him to stay at her inn.

I stayed at the McClain's a little bit longer but I left pretty quickly. As in, I stayed for 15 minutes then left before my ability to be social left without me.

That interaction was so stressful. Sadly, I'm going to have to do that more because I just decided that I needed somebody to help me. I really am an idiot sometimes.

After I went home, I was productive and made some potions (finally). It was a nice destresser. When I make potions, it feels natural. If only talking to people felt like that.

Here are the potions I made today:

Hunk's 5 fire potions

Farmer's 5 plant growth potions

[secondgenerationnerd]

Only Love Can Hurt Like This

I’d say I’m sorry…but that’d be a lie

——————

When the Justice League has a party, they party. The younger heroes had convinced them to do an early Valentine's party, with live music. They agreed, letting it be more of an open mike...until Lian talked them into giving her band, KML, a longer slot. Swore up and down it would be worth it.

Lian might bullshit many things, but her music is not one of them. The moment she steps onto a stage, her personality shifts. She commands the audience with each chord. Her raspy voice drops low before she belts out jaw-dropping notes. Her bandmates, Mags and Kat, feed off the energy of their singer and crowd. Kat's fingers fly over the keyboard, harmonizing with Lian, curls bouncing around her. The lights make her dark skin glow, piercings flashing as she dances in place. In comparison, her girlfriend, Mags, is the rock of their group. The makeshift stage shakes with each beat of her drumming. Her silver hair glows like Kat's piercings. Together, the three girls are unstoppable.

"Damn," Roy looks at Dick with a grin, "I've got a cool kid."

"Remember when she was scared to sing in front of us?" The former boy wonder asks, snorting into his cup.

"Now look at her. My little badass."

“For our last song of the night, we’re doing something a little different.” Lian’s dark eyes take in the crowd, “With Valentine’s day right around the corner, we thought the world needed a reminder of what love is. I could recite a poem about patience and kindness, but that's only half of love."

A chorus of murmurs fills the room.

"Love hurts. When you have it, when you don't, when it leaves. It's messy and complicated and, honestly, it fucking sucks sometimes." She searches the crowd, looking for someone. But she doesn't stop when she sees her father. "Love makes good people do bad things, bad people do good. I should know better than anyone."

Her voice wavers, but she continues on, "I have so many people who love me and who I love. Like the best fucking dad here. Sorry, not sorry everyone, I have the mircophone so I'm right."

That gets a laugh. Roy smiles to himself. He's done pretty well with her if he does say so. With a subtle nod to her bandmates, Lian takes a deep breath, "This is for the people we love who can't be here...this is for my mom."

Absolute silence falls over the room. It's not like everyone here doesn't know who her mother is...but it's definitely the first Lian's said something like, well, like that.

As the first notes of the song begin, Mags and Kat harmonizing the vocals, Lian takes a deep breath. Another. A third, then--

I tell myself you don't mean a thing

And what we got, got no hold on me

But when you're not there, I just crumble

I tell myself I don't care that much

But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch

A young Lian flashes through Roy's head. Shrieks of joy, padded feet running to the door, a go bag dropped. MOMMY'S HOME! Jade hugging her so tightly, Roy thought it would leave bruises.

Only love, only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Must've been a deadly kiss

Only love can hurt like this

Say I wouldn't care if you walked away

But every time you're there, I'm beggin' you to stay

Her voice breaks, just for a second, but it's gone the next second. A lump forms in Roy's throat. He swears he can hear her sobs, young voice asking why Mommy keeps leaving. Did she do something to make Mommy go?

And when you come close (when you come close), I just tremble

And every time, every time you go

It's like a knife that cuts right to my soul

How old was she when the tears became anger? When did the shrieks of joy become skeptisim?

Only love, only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Must've been a deadly kiss

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Your kisses burn into my skin

Jade always put Lian to bed when she was home. Roy would find them curled up together, Lian fast asleep, Jade taking their daughter in.

Only love can hurt like this

But it's the sweetest pain

Burnin' hot through my veins

Love is torture, makes me more sure

The pause is deafening. Lian's eyes had closed, losing herself in the music like she so often does.

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Each time the words leave her lips, the more they sound like a battle cry. Lian loves her mother, Roy knows she does...but she loves like her too. A deep, consuming love that was hard to earn.

Must've been a deadly kiss

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Your kisses burn into my skin

Only love can hurt like this

(Only love can hurt like this)

Only love can hurt like this

(Only love can hurt) save me, save me

Tears blur Roy's eyes. Remembering Jade's screams, her tears, her collapsing to the ground, when he had to tell her...when they had to... His breath shakes. A familiar hand slides into his.

Only love, only love

'Cause only love can hurt like this

And it must've been a deadly kiss

The lights cut out as the final notes fade. Just in time too. The second she’s off stage, Lian’s legs give out. The tightness in her chest too much. But Mags and Kat are right there. They catch her and hug her. Hot tears roll down her face.

“You did it, chica.” Kat murmurs, squeezing her tighter. "We knew you could."

"Never doubted you for a second," Mags agrees with her girlfriend. "You good, Red?"

Swallowing hard, Lian nods, "Just...just wiped. You two were fire."

Kat squeezes her shoulders, "Helps when you whip the crowd up."

"She's always had that ability." Roy's soft voice relaxes Lian. Her dad will make things better, he always does. When she turns to face him, her whole body freezes. She knows the tall woman standing with her father. Knows those dark eyes, exactly like her own, and the dark curls beneath that ratty baseball cap. So you match me and Daddy when you're gone.

"Mom?"

Holding a lotus in her hand, Jade offers her daughter a soft smile, "Hi, Baby Doll...I was going to call, but wanted to surprise--"

The assassin doesn't get to finish. In a fast, Lian's arms are around her mother. Face buried in her neck as she cries. Jade hugs her back just as tight, lowering them to the ground.

"I know, Baby Doll, I know." Rough hands smooth Lian's hair. "I love you too."

Lian feels her father's arms wrap around them, squishing her between her parents. Maybe she's emotionally drained after the show. Maybe the last song was too much. Maybe she's still that little girl who missed her mom so much, it hurt to breathe. Lian's not sure. She doesn't really care.

She just lets her parents hold her. Who knows how long it will last?

[ghoulsmuses]

💘👣

💘 Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Who was your first? Who is it now presently?

100% dsjkfjkdf i thiiiink my first like..real crush that i can remember was shego from kim possible LMAO

right now though? that's a tough one because i think i have a few from different fandoms sdfgdsfjk kojiro, kishibe, aki, gojo, dabi...the list is longer but i'll just go with those right now.

👣 How many OCs do you have? Which one is your favorite and why?

I have a lot more than is mentioned on this blog but for the sake of brevity, i'll just go with who's here. so, that number is thirty. 16 of those are d&d ocs, 14 of those are fandom ocs.

this gets long so i'll put my favourites under a cut.

of the fandom ocs, i think my favourites are:

naoyuki fujimura - he was the first OC i made for sk8 and i really adore him. i don't get to use him a whole lot but his personality and vibes are something i'm really proud of

hiromi tanaka - my chainsaw man OC. i still haven't finished her carrd yet but i put a lot of work into her so i'm excited to have her fully fleshed out eventually and hopefully get to use her more!

takashi shindo - my absolute BABY BOY i love the way he's developed and i think he's just a very neat character. there's so much about him that i still need to get out in headcanons posts but aaaaa my boy

kaede chinen - bastard boy. bastard. but god i love him sfdgdjsfjkdg he's so snarky and he toes the line of arrogance at times but he's just unapologetically himself and he doesn't allow anyone to change him drastically.

katsumi kyan - she's a menace but she's so cute and i love her so much. she's going to be the reason reki gets his grey hairs early fkjfdsjk but she's so fun and she's just a little spitfire

for d&d ocs:

mihai keove - my half elf light cleric of lathander. she's been through so so much in her backstory but she's kept her kindness and her heart. a lot of her can sort of be summed up by the saying "there's bravery in being soft". she's never lost that desire to wake up every day and be kind and take care of people. even with the loss she's experienced, she's never once let it turn her bitter. she's an incredibly strong woman and she's absolutely my favourite d&d character.

lark grey - lark is...so much fun fgjksfdjkg they're my exhausted enby human death warlock who can be summed up by "god won't let me die" except it's not god, it's death. basically, in the world lark is originally from, death works sort of like a corporation. you line up, meet death and he sends you through the big ol' doors to the afterlife unless you can bribe him to come back. lark, in life, worked for a coporation as well LMAO and so when he got his turn with death, death (aka harold) was like "ayo? i like your resume? how about you work for me instead?" and lark was like "if it means i don't have to die then yeah."

reno laedridal - screaming crying foaming at the mouth because i can never shut up about reno. reno is the first d&d character i ever made. my half elf brute fighter who can be summed up by "*smacks arm* this bad boy can fit so much trauma into him". he's morally grey, from the undercity and worked as a bouncer for a crime lord. he has some attachment issues and is a bit emotionally stunted but by god he's got a good heart under all the walls.

zikri suhaila - THE ULTIMATE BABY BOY. my half demon archfey warlock entertainer. he gets mistaken for a bard a lot because of his vibes and it absolutely frustrates him to no end but he can't be too mad about it because he definitely gets it. his mom is a former musician turned music teacher and his father is a retired adventurer which is where he got his desire to start adventuring from. he has a little brother named rahim. zikri is very charming and flirty.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, JUNE 30, 1996 What a gorgeous night it is out there now. There’s a full moon out and the moonlight is so beautiful. Everything’s lit up in such a way that makes it so peaceful and comforting. I can see any creatures that might be out there to avoid them. The moonlight is so bright that half the pool is lit up to where I can see straight through to the bottom and the moonlight rippling on the water was almost hypnotic. I contemplated going skinny-dipping but decided not to. I have so much to catch up on here.

Today was very hot and humid. It’s to be more humid tomorrow, too, and the monsoon season is officially here early, says Tom. We have the AC going now for the first time this year and we may need it for at least a few days. The humidity in here was 70% at noon when I got up and when the EC was still on.

I’ve finally found a more enjoyable way to work out. Well, rather than doing it to Denise’s video where she blabs away and plays that pitiful music, and rather than doing it to TV where I lose count, I’ve been throwing on my headphones and exercising to my music. I hope I can stick to this.

The other day at Mom and Dad’s, Ma said she’d bake chicken wings by dipping them in buttermilk first, then seasoning them. I had Tom get some buttermilk and I dipped some wings in it, then seasoned it with garlic salt. It was pretty good, but I liked them fried the best, even if it’s not too healthy.

Dad looked awful the other day and is steadily getting worse.

Tom and I were curious about when some things were done, so I looked them up by using the search mode and going through my computer version journals. A certain set of pictures we just got developed was shot last August 31st, so I guess that’s the last time our pictures were taken and we definitely have to take current ones soon. My last hair trim was last October 31st, and I thought October was when I began feeding the birds, but apparently not. It was last July.

SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 1996 Tom turned 39 yesterday.

I absolutely don’t believe it. No one’s home at all next door. However, it’s still early, so we’ll just have to wait and see as the weekend’s still young. Robin might be connected to this, but I’ll get into it later.

I’m gonna go listen to music for a little while and maybe sing, and then I’ll definitely touch base with what’s going on.

Later…

There are lots of birds out there now. Nearly 40. I’ve got to cut the population in half, but I hope that doesn’t mean losing some of my favorite ones.

Anyway, Andy hasn’t gotten me yet to work on the cat. He overslept the other day, but I told him not to worry about it and that we’d get to it eventually.

Tom only had to work half a day yesterday. He got off work yesterday at around noon and today he’s working half a day too. He left at 11:00 and will be home at 4:30 and then we’re gonna go see his folks.

Tom’s birthday was pretty good, and I hope mine will be, too. I hope any day is better for me than my last birthday.

When he came home yesterday I put a long skinny candle in a snack cake for him after making him his favorite - hotdogs.

Then we went to the mall and developed pictures which we’ll show his folks today. Some came out OK and some came out blurry. Especially the ones that were close up. I didn’t know you couldn’t shoot close up and I guess that that means that when we get the last roll back in the mail that we sent away to have developed, the shots of the birds on my arms that I took will be blurry. I guess I’ll have to have Tom shoot them on my arms and lap. The pictures we got of us were shot about 10 months ago, so we’ve got to take current ones since Tom’s thinner and my hair’s longer. The bird pictures that were included were from before they were brave enough to come near the patio, let alone on me. They’re from when they ate on the blocks in the back of the yard and a few of them show them getting drinks from the pool. There were also wall art pictures and stuff like that.

I’ll be sending Tammy and my parents some pictures and I’m gonna have more copies made to send to them as well as to Larry. Also, I want to send a couple to Anna & Harry. Believe it or not, there’s one picture in there where my face looks OK, but my hair and body actually look pretty good. Also, there are a few stupid pictures that I don’t know why I took, but I put them in the inner covers of this journal. There’s one of the display of that big stuffed animal, journals, and other stuff that we set up on the kitchen table to film and print out posters with. That’s when we were in business and were doing that PrintBIG program. One is of my bead collection and the other is of my journals on their shelves, but this was when I had only 97 of them.

Later…

Got a Bob letter. Nothing new.

Yesterday we browsed around in the mall where we got the pictures and I saw a really cool journal with fruit patterns on its pages and quotes and sayings, too. I’ve got my heart and mind set on getting it someday. Meanwhile, I still have about 244 pages worth left in my current one and one other one. We didn’t end up getting anything else other than the pictures and ice cream.

The Humane Society sent me 5 animal cards. Dogs and cats. I sent them to my parents, Larry, Tammy, Kim and Bob. I also sent Tammy that $35 towards Ma’s ring in the fancy floral envelope. I’m making one like it up for my parents, then I’ll do one for Larry and maybe Anna & Harry too.

Well, I think that’s the basics of all that’s been happening.

Just one more thing, before I get into Robin and other stuff. My parents called me when Tom was at his folks' place and they got my letter in which I addressed my feelings. They said they understood and that it was a nice letter and they explained to me why it’s not easy for them to come out here and they say they might come out one at a time. Sounds good.

Then they called back later when Tom was home to wish him a happy birthday.

Yesterday we screwed earlier. At around 4 PM, so not to my surprise, he never went up top. Probably felt it was too risky since he was more awake (not that it’s my time to ovulate if I really do and am fertile). As we were about to screw, though, I thought I sensed Robin for a second saying, “This is it,” but I didn’t think anything of it.

Bullshit or not, I don’t know, but Tom claims to have had a missed orgasm. I guess that’s where you cum and there’s no doubt about it as always, but it’s really slight. You know you came, but you feel like you barely did. So he said, “I don’t know if our definition of a missed orgasm is the same and I don’t want to get in trouble here or have you think I’m lying or playing with your head, but that’s what it felt like to me. My heart was beating normally, then it went really fast and I felt like I had a total release go through my whole body.”

Do I think he’s telling the truth? I don’t know. He may be and he swears he is and swears that he still really did cum in the winter of ‘93. Well, females have missed orgasms where they barely cum and they don’t get too wet down there afterward, so I guess it’s possible that males can experience the same thing. Just like in the winter of ‘93, I felt no more juice than usual. I just hope he isn’t gonna end up lying and insisting that he cums every few times, but that he just doesn’t squirt anything. Overall orgasms in males have to squirt something out, so if he starts claiming regular and normal orgasms, I’ll be very suspicious and very doubtful.

Then it was bedtime and as I was lying there, I was worried about next door and what antics they could create throughout the weekend when Robin popped in on me. When she did, there was no anger or fear on my part. I just figured, oh well. She may have lied to me and fucked with our electrical stuff, but that’s about the extent of it. She hasn’t done anything worse than anything else that I’ve received from other sources, be it Tom, or whatever. I just lay there still and numb as she began to tell me, this is it. The new phase. Tom’s about to start cumming and it’ll be regularly enough. We will have that baby and I won’t have a miscarriage and I probably won’t need a C-section. She also said not to worry about next door this weekend and that Tom wasn’t kidding about his missed orgasm.

Well, I don’t know about any of the stuff except for the fact that so far she’s been right about next door. She also told me it’s OK to doubt her or feel certain negative feelings towards her cuz as far as she’s concerned, I’ll believe in her once things she says will happen do happen. Also, Robin said it’d be best if I put a gag order on myself and didn’t tell anyone what she told me till after the fact. She said that if I told people, it could subconsciously pull them against her words, but not intentionally.

THURSDAY, JUNE 27, 1996 Andy may be picking me up today, but I don’t know yet.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26, 1996 Not much is going on at the moment. I’m just doing this awesome floral design on my sister’s envelope. I’ll also do one for Larry and my parents. In one of my journal covers too, perhaps. Or in my sketchbook.

I’m waiting to see if Andy calls, about picking me up to work on the cat.

Tom said I misunderstood him when he was talking about evolving, but he didn’t clarify or explain himself. Maybe he will on our mailbox thing we’ve been using on the computer where we leave messages to each other.

I asked him what we should do about the appointment and he said to wait till we get closer to it, and then we’ll try to reach an agreement.

We’ll never reach an agreement. Not as long as I’m the only one wanting a kid and not as long as he’s the only one saying nothing is broke.

How do you agree with a guy who always insists he’s gonna cum, but never does?

I’m not gonna design inner covers that are colored, like this one’s colored in a deep purple, or covers with patterns or designs. Only white covers that I don’t have too much stuff on like cat photos and stuff like that.

Well, Ma gave me a really good book to read, so I’m gonna go read some more and take a break from all this drawing I’m been doing.

Also, Tom really loves all his envelopes.

TUESDAY, JUNE 25, 1996 I finally got an email from Tammy this morning. It’s about time she was online. As usual, though, she didn’t answer half my questions and she didn’t tell me how many messages there were from me. I hope they all got to her. She says to send $35 towards Ma’s ring whenever we can.

Got a letter from Bob the other day who says my letters are weird and he still cannot comprehend them.

Gee! I wonder why?

They have a new classified section on AOL. I saw people leaving ads for artwork they wanted as well as for artwork they wanted to do. I’d like to leave a few messages of my own. Meanwhile, I’m sure Tom will enjoy checking it out to see if he can find a job for him that hopefully is with computers. I intend to find a job somehow and somewhere. I made it clear to Tom that my days of sitting around while he makes false promises to me are over. I’m gonna get a real life and stop dwelling on dreams that died or dreams that could never come alive and true.

I made it clear to him how mad I was over the fact that he sometimes helps others before me and how he always seems to keep his word to others, but not always to his wife. Especially with things that really matter to me. I told him I thought it was rather sad that he’d jump to help me if there was something physically wrong with me, but no, we can’t go to a doctor to get our sex lives straightened out and to see about what to do about having a kid. Instead, I have to sit and suffer on and off while he tells me nothing’s broken.

He explained something to me about the missionary position. It made sense, but at the same time, I don’t buy it. It’s just another excuse as far as I’m concerned. He said that we have to get used to a missionary position and adapt to it. He says he’s still paranoid about putting too much weight on me and he needs time to get comfortable with this position. He’s been comfortable with other positions and he should be comfortable enough with this one to get off. It’s just one excuse after another with him. He’d just rather fix other people’s cars and computers and see me go through what I’ve been going through and take care of my health rather than get me pregnant. It’s just easier for some people to bullshit people than face and tell the truth.

I was thinking of doing an art project for me. Doing art for others is great and I love doing that, but I thought it was time I did something for me. So I took the last handful of journals and checked their inner covers. If there’s room enough, I may do drawings on them.

Now I must go get cracking on the rest of his envelopes.

Later…

I finished the envelopes. Nice to have that out of the way, even though I enjoyed it. I don’t enjoy how sore my back gets after a while, though.

Andy left a message saying tonight’s a good night for him to pick me up after work to work on the cat, but I’ll be on my way to bed at that time. Since he has the next two days off, though, I’ll hopefully be able to get over there after he gets up to work on it then.

Later…

I just remembered something. I asked Tom the other day how he’d feel if I were pregnant. Now, I don’t buy this, but he said, happy, excited, and anxious, and that he’d be looking forward to it. Then remember how I said I asked him how he’d feel if it were me who never came? Well, if he can’t answer pretend questions and questions about situations he’s never been in before, then how come he could tell me how he’d feel if I were pregnant? He had no problem many months ago telling me he’d be fine with it if I didn’t cum.

I just don’t know how I’m ever gonna be able to turn this anger I have towards him and the depression I still have here and there about not having a kid into something positive. Just when I think I’m over it and am moving on, I’m stuck in the same old shit as far as my emotions go. I try to tell myself not to be angry at him, cuz God would never allow me a child anyway. And cuz of all the good he has in him and cuz of all the horrible things that come out of having a kid. I’ll do anything to forget about having a baby. Anything to get him to stop teasing me and lying to me about it. Anything to kick this issue out of my life, for once and for all.

Why does God hate me so much? Why does he want me to have all this time on my hands? Why does he not want a purpose and a destiny for me? I can’t have a career, I can’t be a mother, I can’t be anything? I’ve tried for these things and I just don’t know why God won’t help me. If he won’t help me achieve these things, why won’t he help me forget about a kid and help me settle for something else? Guess I am settling, though, since I’ll never be able to do the things I really want to do. I just don’t understand why God wants to punish me so much. How many more years am I gonna have to feel the way I do?

MONDAY, JUNE 24, 1996 I heard just what I needed to hear on TV just now. A judge in Florida gave a man who murdered his former wife custody of the kid he had with his second wife, even though he was a murderer, and not to his wife cuz she was a lesbian. So, in other words, you can have your kid if you kill, but not if you sleep with the same sex. Gays and lesbians are of no more harm to their kids than straights are. Not as long as you keep bedroom stuff in the bedroom and don’t do anything more than kiss or hold hands, whether you’re gay or straight. That judge should’ve been fired, the murderer should’ve been executed and the lesbian should have her kid. And what makes the case sicker is knowing that God helped see to it that this murderer got the kid and that the lesbian didn’t.

Yesterday I really blew up at Tom following the fact that he spent nearly 6 hours at Eldon’s and we didn’t even get the monitor he said he’d let us use. Then he spent 4 or 5 more hours on the phone with Wendy answering her computer questions. By the time he wanted us to “get close,” I was beat and had to go to bed.

He said he was sorry we didn’t get time together, but I told him, “Hey. You chose Eldon and Wendy over me.” Then I lost it. For once, though, he really seemed sympathetic and understanding and sorry, rather than irritated and he didn’t turn it on me. Still, even though I lost it and had to get it out, nothing’s ever gonna change. He’s got his priorities and goals made up in his mind. I told him, though, I’m tired of coming last. If someone wants something from him, no problem. Meanwhile, he won’t give the child to his wife that he promised we could have. I’m just so sick of other people’s needs coming first and the TV and the computer coming first. He keeps his word to his fucking friends and family, but not to his own fucking wife. Well, doing for others is great and I don’t want him to stop that, I just want him to put me first and to put his actions where his mouth is and follow through on the promises he makes to me. Other people’s needs come right away, but I was told I had to wait to see a doctor with him back when I wanted to go and I had to suffer in the meantime. He’s lucky I love him as much as I do. Most other women would’ve said, “Fine, you can do for others, but I have needs too, and I need to go to a doctor and get our sex lives straightened out if possible and I need us to do what we can to get help having this kid we said we wanted. Our needs should be first. I shouldn’t have to sit and suffer and worry about it while you falsely promise me you’ll be cumming soon and that I’ll be pregnant soon and that nothing’s broken between us.”

Then he said “I’m sorry. You were neglected today and I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re so angry and I’m trying the best I can to get you pregnant. I want a kid more than you know, but I can’t get you pregnant tonight.”

No, he couldn’t have gotten get me pregnant last night, but he’s had a couple of years in which he could’ve if we’re both physically okay and he hasn’t. Why can’t he just either admit he never wanted a kid or get help a long time ago?

I told him I just can’t trust him with a lot of things. Not all things, but a lot of things. If you can lie about a kid, you can lie about anything. I’m sick of the fact that it seems that the only way I can get attention is if I’m having a crisis or if I literally cry out to him. I wish I could come first and in between his parents, Wendy, Eldon, the TV, the computer, and not last.

I told him I know I’m not perfect and I was sorry if I sounded selfish and spoiled, but this is how I honestly feel and I just had to tell him, even though it’d never do a damn bit of good.

I really should spend more time being busy or with Andy and break my words and promises to him so he can see what it’s like, but I just can’t do that without feeling guilty. Not if I can help it, anyway. I did so, though, this morning, but not intentionally. He told me last night he wanted sex this morning, but I overslept. Do I feel guilty? No. Did he seem bummed about it? No. He says he’s psyched at the idea of seeing me tonight, though.

Yes, Tom is a very busy person, but he needs to balance things better. If he spent less time on the phone or at other people’s houses or with the TV and the computer, then maybe we could do more together. And he wouldn’t have to cut out other stuff that much to make sufficient time for us, either.

Another thing I’m so fucking sick and tired of is his goddamn contradictions. A long time ago I had asked him how he’d feel if it were me that never came and he said he wouldn’t feel bad at all and he’d just see it as how I was and let me be me. I asked him again the other night and he said he didn’t know how he’d feel cuz he can’t imagine how he’d feel in a pretend situation. Now, this isn’t someone’s feelings or opinions changing with time. This is a contradiction.

We do have some good times where we laugh, joke, tease each other, and just have fun, but it just doesn’t seem like enough times, though. The times we spend together seem so rare and so short.

Now I really get how frustrated Brenda and Kacey were with me since I had a lower appetite than they had.

Yesterday wasn’t made any better by the fact that I accidentally dropped one of my doggie mugs. I figured there’d be a casualty sooner or later, but at least it was the Cocker Spaniel which is my least favorite. So now I only have 5 left and hopefully, I can get a Husky or a German Shepherd soon enough.

Tom “says” that he wants to get the 3 rolls of film we’ve got shot up developed with his birthday money, but we’ll see. That’d be nice since they’ve been ready for development for quite a while. We just didn’t have the money for that these last several months. I can’t wait to check out the bird pictures, as well as other stuff. I took a few new pictures of them with a new roll I just loaded in. I got some of them on my hands and arms and one of them at the edge of the pool while I was in it.

AOL has a classified section now, which we’re both gonna check out.

I’m still contemplating getting a hysterectomy, so as not to have to deal with periods and Tom’s teasing me about having a kid. If I were smart, I’d have gotten one done long ago since a kid really isn’t destined with or without Tom. Reminding myself of that helps ease some of the anger I have toward Tom. It’s just the principle of the point. You don’t lie to someone and play with their heads about something that you know means a lot to them.

Not a peep out of next door all weekend. The only time they were heard was in the music room, said Tom, when they were barbecuing. Then they went in and ate and shut up. There were two Blazers there yesterday, but when I got up at 6:00 this morning there wasn’t one vehicle there.

I dread next weekend, cuz if there is a pattern, this will be the weekend they’ll freak out. Every 3 weekends, they’ll probably go wild. Tom said we’ll be busy together, though. We’ll see about that. But busy or not, I don’t want to hear their shit.

Tom explained to me more about what he has in mind to do with the envelopes I’m making up for him (I have 5 left!). He says he wants to open them up from where they’re glued and spread them out into a sheet of paper. Then he wants to film them on the computer with the camcorder. Then he wants to print them out and fold them into envelopes. That way we can make copies of however many we want of certain drawings to use to make envelopes out of. That ought to be neat and if works out really well, I’ll probably do more drawings for envelopes. Also, we still have to back up my directory and scan in my newer drawings. Yesterday I did an envelope that he and I both were quite impressed with. I drew frames and did different flower scenes in them. Yes, flowers are certainly my best. Wish it were people, though.

Later…

I just got done giving Tom a hard-on. It’s his favorite time for that anyway, and then he went to bed. Right now I’m sure he’s finishing the job.

He came home in a great mood. Maybe he feels guilty. He said that be it sexually or not, he’ll not evolve if he doesn’t want to and then he sometimes will when he doesn’t want to. Oh, so I guess that was an admission of the fact that he hasn’t wanted to evolve. I reminded him that he’s him and I’m me and that’s not gonna change. We’ll see, he said. We already have seen. At least I have, anyway.

Earlier, we played cards and he helped me go through the steps of backing up my directory. He also deleted a word I accidentally added to the dictionary.

I’m getting kind of tired now, so I think I’m gonna try to go to bed now. If not, maybe I’ll write more later, or read or do something.

SUNDAY, JUNE 23, 1996 Yesterday we went over to see his parents. Mary was there, too. Tom mowed and I vacuumed and Ma gave Tom $20 and me $10. With it, I got 3 new pairs of underwear. Mary gave Tom $85 for working on her car.

FRIDAY, JUNE 21, 1996 I now only have about 11 envelopes left, so that’s good. I’m really pushing it and straining to think of new ideas to meet the deadline.

Still quiet next door. What did I do to get so blessed and lucky? Anyway, it looks like the guy traded in his red sports car for a Blazer and that she doesn’t have a car now. Tom saw that old guy bring her home yesterday. Out of the total of about 8 cars that I’ve seen there, I’ve only seen 1 lately. I just hope they don’t make up for their peacefulness with a weekend party.

I asked Tom if he found out a secret about my family and he said no. He also said that when I knew what the secret was, it’d make me happy. I know he likes to play the instill-patience-in-Jodi game, but I really think he is full of shit and that there is no secret. I’m getting more sure of that.

We have things we tease each other with and one of the things he says to me in a teasing way is how he gives into everything I want. I don’t think that’s very funny and I also think it’s rather insensitive. I gave up the idea of trying to see if I had a shot at having a kid with him for him. Action-wise, he said no to a kid, yet I’m still here and that’s a big thing to get your way with, which he did, even though I may not want a kid as much these days.

Speaking of the subject, I saw a true documentary about a guy who killed three 8-year-old boys, then had a son himself, upon going to trial and getting convicted. Once again, how can anyone say God doesn’t make mistakes? The bulk of this world’s parents are animals. What did God say to this monster? He must’ve said, “Good for you! You killed 3 little boys, so now here’s a little boy of your own.”

Sick. Really sick.

From now on, I’m not gonna mention when I get my periods to Tom cuz I want to how much of it is God or Tom that makes sure we don’t have sex 14 days after my period. I think it’s both, but why? It’s just so ridiculous and such a waste of time for God or Tom to count the days when there’s no danger of my becoming pregnant. If Tom really wanted to know, though, he could just keep track of my female supplies and he’d also see pad and tampon wrappers in the bathroom pail.

Well, I think that’s it for now. I don’t think I’ve forgotten to mention anything else as nothing else has really been going on, but what else is new?

His parents are still pretty much the same, but I guess that’s better than if they were doing worse.

One of my birds is in the window watching me type. Yes, I’m typing some of this stuff up first, then I’ll copy it into my paper journal. The only time I usually type is if I have lots of stuff to tell about, so who knows why I chose to type this time. Getting used to it, I guess.

I’ve been kind of tired on and off all day today which is a mystery. I slept long enough. At least I think I did. So, I think I’m gonna go veg out, be lazy and just relax till I crash. I’ve been up for about 12 hours, anyhow.

THURSDAY, JUNE 20, 1996 I just did tons of cleaning around here and now all I have left to do is vacuum the bedrooms and the bathroom. Of course, I have to use the hose until we get a new brush for the upright. The kitchen floor could still use a good mopping but the counter and appliances are clean and every room has been dusted. The living room, kitchen, and back room have been vacuumed.

They’ve been so amazingly quiet next door. I heard someone leave at 10:40 AM, as usual, but they played no music whatsoever.

Andy left a message saying we can have his shower curtain which is pretty. I hope it doesn’t blow all around as some do, cuz ours is old, ugly, and falling apart. I really wish we had shower doors.

Well, I gotta get working on Tom’s envelopes.

Yesterday I finished the book Ma let me borrow which was good.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19, 1996 After I mention a couple of things, I think I’ll be all caught up and will have mentioned the basics.

The only other report I can give is that Tom’s dad isn’t doing too well, as expected and his mom’s arthritis and diabetes are no joy ride either.

Steven is in town, so that’s nice.

I saw a show called Paranormal Borderline and in one segment, there were those doom profits talking. I hope they’re quacks, cuz they’ve already been known to have made deadly accurate predictions.

The segment that really got me was one where a 15-year-old boy was in an accident with his mother. They were in a car when a small plane crashed into the car. The mother pushed him down on the floor of the car. He lived and she died. Years later he married, had kids, and became an alcoholic and a druggie. Regardless of God’s ways of helping to create parents like that, it was mainly due to his feeling guilty and sad about his mother. So he and his wife went to this guy who claimed to be able to contact the dead. He brought her there so he could tell the guy that his mother didn’t blame him for the accident and that she loved him and all that stuff. Supposedly he also told them stuff about them that he couldn’t have known. The thing that got me was how he was saying spirits can and do interfere with electrical stuff like TVs, phones, radios, and more. This is what I’ve been trying to tell Tom, but he feels that spirits can’t influence the physical world, but that they might be able to influence a person’s personal being.

I can’t wait to show him this show and see what he thinks.

The other thing is that we had great sex earlier. Tom said we’re progressing really fast. True. It does seem that way, but will it last long? And where will we progress to? Will he still ever get off at least every few times and have me really feeling like a “whole and fulfilling and fulfilled woman?”

Do I still believe he’s scared or has something wrong with him? Yeah, I’d say one of these is the case and that the first one’s the most likely, but he did have me wondering for a minute there. I guess the best thing I can do, which I’m learning to do, is just believe what I believe and deal with it and then maybe, just maybe, as much as I doubt it, he’ll prove me wrong at least once.

Now I really understand why Brenda and Kasey were the way they were. Always horny. It feels so good to be at my peak, though, and to have blossomed so much sexually and to have him in the mood more often. Sometimes I still don’t get sex enough, but at least I don’t feel that constant feeling of being sexually starved and deprived.

What I was able to do was go on top of him. I could before, a few times, but it didn’t really work out. The angle was off and I just couldn’t always get him in there and keep him in there. After he got me off in our sideways position, though, it was a piece of cake due to my being opened up and lubricated really well. It felt so good to my clit too. Especially since my pussy’s just about bald, so I could feel it really well. If I were really horny, I could probably get off that way. Tom really loved it and said I made his night and I only hope he didn’t finish what I started when he went to bed.

Yes, spontaneity is just as great as thought-out plans and it’s great that we have so much more variety. In the past, it was usually just his going down on me and our sideways position that we had to choose from. It’s great that he’s been patient enough with me to teach me angles, speed, etc. It eases that abnormal feeling of mine.

If he came every few times or so, that’d still be fine with me, cuz I know a good build-up is always almost as good as a good orgasm.

Women will always be more attractive to me from an overall, clothed point of view, but now, I can’t imagine ever living without Tom’s dick as part of my sex life, any more than I can imagine living without him. I really, really do love this man and realize just how blessed I am. I also know that I’ve sounded really hard on him, and whether or not I have just cause to be with a few issues, I know I want to be with him forever and I know that throwing him away over a few bad things would be stupid when there are a million wonderful things about him. I’d never find another person like him in another guy or woman. I’d rather be alone, or better yet die than be without him. Yes, if he ever comes out and tells me he never wanted a kid or still never came, whether I knew why for sure or not, I’ll still be here.

I asked him if that was the secret (my going on top). I thought that maybe he just knew somehow, that it was time now and that the time was right when I was ready to be able to do this, but he said no, that’s not the secret.

Would I feel like there was nothing left to strive for if he did cum? No, cuz we’ve developed enough sexually to have the fun last us a lifetime and still be exciting and now there’s more variety for us to choose from instead of just oral or sideways and we can always still experiment and try new stuff.

I’m on my 6th envelope for Tom, so hopefully I can get cracking on those and have all 20 of them done by his birthday.

TUESDAY, JUNE 18, 1996 I’ve got 4 of Tom’s envelopes done and I’ve got 15 more to go. I’ve got 5 done actually.

No, I haven’t gotten any more clues about this little secret of Tom’s. I’m pretty sure it’s a surprise trip.

Tom showed me another way to turn the pool light on, so I swam earlier.

When I got up today I was hotter than hell, so I went out for a quick dip in the pool. Meanwhile, the birds were pretty frantic and desperate for food. They’re so impatient now. They dive on top of their food bucket before I can reach it and peck impatiently at my hand. I wave firmly at them to try to shoo them away, but that doesn’t work and of course, I don’t want to swat them. Then they follow me to the edge of the pool as I dive in.

I do have more to write about, but first, I want to see if I can request that song of Linda’s.

Later…

Why the fuck does the words I’ve added to the computer dictionary keep disappearing? If Tom isn’t playing games with me then what is? I didn’t mean to add Gloria’s name with a small g and now I can’t figure out how to get into the dictionary to delete it.

I evicted Tom from my directory. My directory’s getting quite big, so I asked Tom if I could kick him out and he showed me how to.

This is weird, but K-LITE says they don’t do requests. Since when does a radio station not do requests?

Here’s another weird thing. Next door’s been gone all day. They haven’t been there since at least 4 PM till now. I never heard them come home last night and I always know when they come home. Fine, though.

Yesterday I asked Tom if the secret was a one-shot deal that only happens once, when and if it does, or if it’s an on-and-off thing, or if it’s for always. He said he doesn’t know. I still hope to hell this has nothing to do with cumming or a kid which isn’t gonna happen. He did say, though, that he found out about this secret, so it can’t be sex or kid-related. I think he found out about something pertaining to a trip. I had asked him if a secret, in his book, meant that he was told something or heard something or if it was an instinct thing, or if it was a thought-out plan of his that he intended to carry out. That’s when he said it was something he found out.

Next, I should ask him what my reaction to the secret will be, in his opinion, but then again, what’s the point? He’ll tell me whatever it’s all about soon enough unless he’s bullshitting me.

Now I’m gonna go make some pork chops since it’s cooler to cook at this hour, and then watch the tube.

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 1996 Wow! Been married for two years as of yesterday.

Yesterday and today sure have been busy days. I got up yesterday at around 1 PM and Tom was already at his parents’. When I first got up, I headed for my coffee and cigarettes, like I usually do. Then I got a bad feeling about next door. I asked myself, why do you have a bad feeling about them now? It’s early on a weekday.

Then, sure enough, I heard and saw a black girl, about 10 years old, playing ball. Only for 10 minutes, but what did they do? Call their friends and tell them to come over all the time just to piss me off cuz they’re like most people are and that’s opposite doers? If I’d written them a note asking them to be even wilder, they’d be quiet as all hell, I’d bet.

We were out for 6 hours, but I’m sure it was crazier than hell around here while we were gone. If not, it was only cuz God knew I wouldn’t be here. We took off to his parents’ house at around 2 PM yesterday and we returned shortly before 9 PM.

They were obviously watching the game, and at the end of it, one of the freeloaders went out back and screamed something for a couple of minutes, then I heard visitors leave at 10 PM. It seems like there are at least 5 kids and 5 other adults that they’ve got coming around regularly.

Let me back up now to the events at his folk’s house. We cleared all the stuff out of the sewing room and that’s where they came and set up a hospital bed for Dad. While we were waiting for the bed, I browsed through some of Ma’s paperbacks and found one to read that I’m borrowing.

The fucking freeloaders came blasting in just now. Can’t they ever drive in without anyone knowing it? What selfish, rude, ignorant, and obnoxious assholes! Totally desperate for attention.

Anyway, Dad came home with Mom and Mary as the guy was setting up the bed. Then the respiratory therapist came and set up his oxygen. He was tired and in some pain, but very happy to be home.

Mary went and got us stuff to eat and Dad’s prescriptions and then Ma showed me a pretty funny letter from her niece in Michigan. She said every paragraph was “HA!” Sure enough, all throughout the letter, I counted 16 HAs. It was weird.

Later…

I decided that Tom should have some of that money we agreed on me having to get him something he wants for our anniversary and his birthday, cuz that was only fair since I don’t have the means to surprise him with a gift. So, he’s probably gonna get underwear and he also says he’d really like the envelopes I’m drawing up for him. The envelopes are no surprise to him, but that’s what he really wants and that’s what matters.

Last night I was really worried that I’d end up sleeping all day today, but Robin came and said don’t worry about my schedule, don’t worry about next door for the weekend, they’ll still hardly ever be noticeable and I’ll still be pregnant soon. So far, she’s been right. Except for that bassy entrance, we haven’t heard a peep out of them all day. There aren’t even any lights on over there now, which is surprising.

I got up at 2 PM today, and then we went to the art store where I got an absolutely gorgeous journal, which will be my next, and those 3 pens I’ve wanted.

Then we got Chinese food for me and he got Arby’s. We came home, ate, and went swimming. There sure were more duties on that patio than I’ve ever seen before! Measles did something new. I was reaching a handful of seeds out to her and she jumped onto my hand and ate the seeds.

Tom told me that he doesn’t believe in praying for things we want. He believes in praying for things we need. That’s an interesting belief, whether God will or won’t answer prayers for stuff we need.

I told him today that I figured out his secret. I figured that he was gonna tell me that he really has been waiting all along to cum till we’re in a new house. I told him he dropped hints, cuz when he was talking about what he’d do with a 7-bedroom house, he said one would be for the nursery. Not the kid. Then he nodded when I said something to the effect of how he just says I’ll be pregnant by September to cheer me up and cuz it’s what I’d want to hear. Then he said he didn’t know if we’d have a kid in this house or the next, before saying I’d be pregnant by September.

Then I started to get pretty pissed when he said he wasn’t gonna tell me the secret cuz of how pushy I was about it. If he’s got a secret, it’s my right to know, and I hate how this guy plays with my head! So, I told him he could play with my head about the kid, I’m used to it and I know it makes him happy, but not with anything else. So then he said that it’s no secret cuz he knows it’s gonna happen, it’s 1 precise thing, I’ll know it when it happens and that it’ll happen for sure, no ifs, ands or buts, anytime from now till my 31st birthday.

Oh, don’t tell me this about the kid! We’ve been down this road before where he’s said during a certain timeframe, he was 100% sure I’d be pregnant and it was all bullshit. Why must he do this same old shit over and over? Isn’t it old? Doesn’t he ever get sick of it? Jesus!

He said it has nothing to do with either of our families, it’s not at all job-related and it’s one thing. If he isn’t playing a game, then I’d say it has to do with a trip we’re gonna go on. I don’t see how in hell it could have to do with moving. I know it can’t have to do with a kid and if it does in his mind, it’s bullshit. Maybe he lied to throw me off when he said it wasn’t family-related and someone was coming out to see us.

I was wondering if he was gonna tell me he read all my journals, but that was a long shot. Meaning, that’s something I can’t picture him telling me, even if he has read them.

I’ll bet he’s gonna insist he’s cum when he hasn’t and say that that was the secret. That could be it, but he knows that won’t work on me. I won’t fall for that, but if he really wants to insist on something that’s full of shit, he will. That would be his perfect way out of the doctor’s appointment, not that I care to go. Doesn’t he realize, though, that if he did that I may say, “Well, why don’t I go to a doctor, get checked out, and see if there’s anything wrong with me?”

If I were dumb enough to fall for it of course. Then he might be thinking, oh, no. They’re gonna maybe tell her she’s OK, want to examine me, see that I’m fine and then she’ll really know the truth. Not that I wouldn’t anyway, like with that fake orgasm in ‘93.

Still, today was a great second anniversary for us.

Later…

After we swam in the company of the birds, we played around. I got him going by hand, then he went in me in our sideways position, then he got up top, ran out of gas 3 or 4 minutes later, then finished me up by going down on me. Of course, missionary position wouldn’t help him, like he said it would and so many other things would, but his running out of gas isn’t just cuz of fear. He’s like me, understandably, in the way that he’s not motivated to work out and stick to it. I may be more fit than he is, but like me, he hasn’t been able to stick to any exercise program yet. I don’t think he’d ever want to or do so if he could. I think he’d rather stay the way he is than get more fit and be able to go in missionary position longer and end up losing it.

Anyway, I saw a really good movie just now. A predictable one, but it’s a kind I’ve always liked. The guy loves the woman, kills her friends, then moves in on her. Then she finds out what he’s really about and they battle it out till she wins and kills him.

At the art store, we saw a book-making kit. One was for $20 and you could make 2 or 3 books. One had brown paper to use for a cover, then a boring fabric, and I think it also had some other kind of paper. It looked pretty neat, though, with the paper bound and stitched with no cover. It was 160 pages, I believe and it had no lines. We still want to try making one of our own sometime with our own designs for covers. A kit would be more costly, but in the end, it may be cheaper if there’s a number for a supplier enclosed. We also may be able to find suppliers through AOL.

Tom says we’ll be moved by the turn of the century, but I don’t know. He’s like he is with the kid with that. Every few months we might be able to move soon, as well as that I’ll be pregnant soon. Things always take either way longer than you anticipated or they never happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were still here in the year 2005.

I abandoned the music room since it’s the smallest room in the house that echoes and brings in next door’s bullshit just beautifully. The only reason I’ll use that room now is to listen to music since my stereo’s still in there. Also, my bookcase of journals is still in there. Other than that, I don’t intend to hang out in that room. I’ve moved my table that I write and draw and do whatever on back into the master bedroom in the same spot it was before. I had had the vanity in there all this time and now that’s in the music room where my table was. Tom can sleep through me working in there and doesn’t mind at all. Thank God he’s so easy-going and flexible and tolerable and adaptable like he is.

Boy, have I got to clean this place as soon as I can. Gotta dust, vacuum, and clean the kitchen.

I haven’t checked my email yet, so I’ll go do that soon, too.

Later…

I forgot to mention that Tom and I discussed putting up the same acoustic sound blockers in the music room and living room that’s in the bedroom.

Got a letter from Kim today. She says she’ll be calling me about my Bob idea. She also sent me a couple of boring Bob letters. I told her she can just ditch any boring ones and then highlight or circle any of his rare funny lines and send those to me. Bob didn’t mention to her that my letters were rather strange, so that’s nice.

Tom’s out now fixing Mary’s car. Once again, this is very nice of him, but I wish he’d take care of stuff around here before taking care of other people’s stuff. The lawn needs mowing and what about all the stuff he promised to make me this year as part of his New Year’s resolution? Why is it that he keeps his word to others when he says he’s gonna do something for them, but he won’t keep his word for his wife?

Today I de-dutied the patio, which Tom said he was gonna do every weekend. I don’t mind doing it, but I’m not as patient about it as he is. Also, it’s kind of hard to do at times when a certain area of the patio floods. So I have to wait for that to dry up a bit before doing more of it. The birds are so brave. They come right up to where I’m hosing down the patio. They only fly away when I spray them, but only a few feet above the spray, and then they return.

This morning Tom dried a load of laundry, so when I got up later, I went and got it and put it away. Then I washed the sheets and a few towels and hung those out on the line. Then I made the bed and that’s pretty much all I’ve done for the most part, but during the week I intend to fully clean this house. It’s filthy.

Later…

I just talked to Tom who says he’s got Mary’s car narrowed down to a few possibilities as to what the problem may be. He’ll be home in about half an hour.

I heard next door just come in, as always, but to my utter amazement, they came in pretty mildly. Now next door all I have to do is hope the next few hours are quiet. So far, Robin’s been right on their being quiet, so I’ll give her that much.

Later…

I realize that I was being rather hard on Tom about Mary’s car and perhaps a bit selfish and unfair too. Working on Mary’s car is a good way for Tom to spend time with Dad and they both love to talk about cars. Tom said he grew up with his dad fixing cars and that he taught Tom all he knows about cars.

We screwed this morning, but he got sick and had to stop after going on top cuz he ate right before screwing. Always an excuse or problem. Funny how he was really close this morning and how he happened to get sick as soon as we changed to the missionary position. I don’t know what the truth really is, but I don’t know if I care anymore either. He told me more about the secret, whether it’s true or not. He says I’ll notice it as it happens but won’t know that that was the secret till he tells me. It has nothing to do with the house. He’s the only one who knows about it. It’s something he found out. Thank God he said it’s something he found out, cuz now I know he’s not playing more sex and baby games. He denied it had anything to do with Robin, but he’s never denied a trip. I think that’s it. The reason why I know it’s not about sex/kid is cuz he wouldn’t “find out” anything about it. He’s never gonna care to check into his problem, whether it’s mental or physical, and I still really believe he’s holding back. He already admitted he’s holding back now in an indirect way (he always has one reason after another to hold back anyway). I told him I was gonna hold off on stuff I want (he knew what I meant), cuz his dad needs him. He thanked me, but of course, it’s his own willpower that holds him back. Then he says this stuff with his dad won’t be going on much longer. Yes, it will. And when it’s over, there’ll be something else.

He also admitted he realizes he shouldn’t tease me with certain things and he says he’s gonna work on it. That’s nice, but I can’t believe a guy as smart as he is, didn’t know any better than to go teasing someone about having a kid.

THURSDAY, JUNE 13, 1996 I begin writing this with one of my birds watching me through the window. It’s so windy out there today and I hope that nest holds up OK. So far, so good.

I might not have time to get into why I got to thinking last night and ended up furious at my parents, but I will soon enough.

I talked to Andy a short while ago and he said I might be able to get that song Dreams to Dream by Linda from a station called K-LITE. I’ll go try soon.

Tonight Andy and I will be calling this live message and chat line to play with horny men’s minds and we might even send them next door here. That ought to surprise those freeloaders.

Speaking of those freeloaders, yesterday at around 7:30, there were 2 or 3 cars there and I heard ball-bouncing start up. I also saw 3 freeloaders chatting out back. I said to myself, oh shit, they’re gonna party till 10:00 or later. But they didn’t chat long and remained quiet. The ball bouncing didn’t last long at all either. They just better stay quiet this weekend!

I have to see Dr. Nielson today and I’m sure all will be OK with that. Hopefully, we’ll be in and out of there and the waiting room won’t be rowdy. It usually isn’t rowdy.

Tom’s taking sick days off today and tomorrow as he is emotionally and physically exhausted. He’s over fixing Mary’s car right now which is very kind and generous of him, but I hope he’ll take care of himself more and not worry so much about other people’s needs.

Got an anniversary card today from my parents with $35 of cash in it. That’s what Tammy said she and Bill got for their anniversary, too.

Later…

Just came back from seeing Dr. Nielsen. All’s fine with the ear. He just cleaned out a few flakes of dead skin and some wax. I don’t have to see him till December 12th.

Tom spent the money we got for our anniversary that his parents sent on what he wanted, and we’ve agreed to spend the money from my parents on what I want. I wanted to stop at the art store so bad after Nielsen’s, but it was closed. So I guess we’ll go back tomorrow.

The reason why I got furious after thinking about what my dad said about my so-called down letters, which really is an exaggeration, was cuz of this. I told them the truth and if I can’t be myself and tell them what’s going on, good or bad, then maybe I shouldn’t be writing to them. They just don’t get it. People have their good times and their bad times and if they only want me to write what they want to hear, then I don’t want to write to them. They act like I shouldn’t be upset over the things that are going on. I’d have to be inhuman to not be upset over things that have been going on. Also, they just don’t realize that different people deal with different things differently and they get over different things at their own pace. Maybe they should look at me as a person, instead of their daughter and ask themselves what they see in me. Just someone who writes them "down" letters? Is that all I’ve been to them? Well, they’ve said 3 or 4 times that they were gonna come out here, I honestly can’t see why they haven’t been able to, therefore, I do doubt they love me or care that much for me or my letters and if that’s so, we shouldn’t contact one another.

Everything that’s gone on in life really makes me say, what the fuck? Fuck my dreams and fuck everything. All I care about is Tom. Meanwhile, I don’t want the kid anymore, I don’t want to go to college or work (although I know I’m gonna have to do something with my life), I don’t want to see my family. I just want to keep every day the same as it has been for the last two years. I’d rather be bored than filled with all kinds of hectic and stressful bullshit. I’ve always known what kids will do to people’s bodies, minds, wallets, and relationships, but as I see Tom less able to deal with things that bother me, I know that a kid will surely be the end-all of our marriage. All we’d do is fight like hell over stuff about it and our lives would be the most miserable and non-existent. Anyway, here I go worrying and bitching about something that could never happen, anyhow.

Last night I came into the bedroom to go to bed and I swear that he was already awake. He looked right at me and asked me what was wrong. Guess my fury showed. So I told him what I just wrote about my parents and all I got was, “I’m sorry you feel this way, I’m sure you have reasons to, but you seem even madder about it now, you’ll take it out on me, I don’t understand, etc.”

Gee, that made me really feel like talking to him. And why would I take it out on him? Also, he’s never met or known my parents and he never will, therefore, he couldn’t even understand and I should’ve just kept my mouth shut cuz I don’t think he wants to hear it or deal with it, no matter what’s going on in life.

Now, I know I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, but how do I get out of the appointment next year? I’m sure Tom will be a piece of cake to talk out of it, but the appointment wouldn’t change anything, so I shouldn’t worry. Anyway, I can’t believe he said I’d be spoiled for not having a kid with him. What a fucking joke! Like he’d have a kid with me?

The freeloaders are barbecuing now, and I expect that their company will be arriving soon enough.

Later…

Good news next door. I never heard anything and I guess it’s just one guy over there alone. I saw one guy out barbecuing and that was it. No music or balls or loud conversations. I still have a bad feeling about Saturday and I hope to hell I’m wrong!

After I came home, Tom left shortly after to go work on Mary’s car yet again. So far, he hasn’t had any luck with it. He says he doesn’t want to have to do anything on Saturday, but this I’ve got to see.

When we go to the art store, I’d like to get 2 or 3 journals and 3 different pens. I’ve mentioned those pens and what pen colors I want to get from there the last time I was there at that store. The last time I was there we didn’t have money for journals and I got that fucked up eraser and something else from there. Oh yeah, the stumps.

Well, I guess those freeloaders do have or just did get company. I just heard a kid that sounded about 4 years old. Shit! Damn! Fuck! They’re gonna fucking totally ruin the whole fucking weekend! I don’t know if I mentioned this here, but I told Tom that I think that the reason why they were hardly home and hardly had company is cuz they just now recently got all settled in and got it all decorated. Now, they feel more comfortable about having company over. Now they’re just like most people are out here and like dogs are out here. No people or dogs ever stay inside. They seem to live outside 24/7. I miss the days when they were hardly ever home, but I knew it was just a matter of time.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12, 1996 Well, yesterday’s news about the money explains that feeling I had back around last November that June would be a month where we’d improve financially. It’s hard to believe that we’re about to have all our bills paid up and more, regardless of how we got the money.

When I asked Tom why he was influenced by things I did or said when I thought he was supposed to be a person with a mind of his own like he said, he said that I’d always influence him and he wants it that way cuz he loves me. I think he means that he wants to be influenced in ways he wants to be influenced. But if I were to try to influence him to cum, he won’t, cuz he doesn’t want to be influenced to do that, regardless of what’s going on in our lives.

I think sometimes he knows the meaning of the word love and shows it in so many ways. When it comes to sex and the kid, he seems to have a warped sense of the word. To him, being truly loving is telling me what I want to hear, rather than that he really doesn’t want to be a daddy.

I thought of leaving him and I have wondered if I should cuz most women would, but then I realized something. I have had a problem all my life where I’d think about what most people would do in a certain situation and not what I, as the individual I am, should do. So after asking myself what was best for me, I decided this one bad thing wasn’t worth throwing away the millions of good things about him and that I love him unconditionally. No one’s perfect and that includes me, too. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to sue him and I don’t want to go to a doctor next year to try to make him and push him to do what he doesn’t really want to do.

Yes, I’d have a kid for him if he really wanted one and I never wanted one at all cuz I love him, but no one should or can be forced into having a kid, any more than one can or should bother to try changing people like my mother. Change must begin from inside ourselves, then people can help.

I also asked Tom if he was influenced by my beliefs. I asked him if I disbelieved something that he believed, would he be tempted to prove me wrong or let me be right or neither and he said neither. What do I believe? I guess it depends on how important a certain issue is to him, but sometimes he does seem argumentative and like he’s challenging something I said.

Tom told me some sad, yet funny stories about Dad’s roommate at the hospital. Well, they had to stick him in his own room so that they could monitor him better cuz they caught him one night trying to call 911 cuz there were Indians in his room. Reminds me of crazy Ellie, who’d appear so sweet and normal one minute, then the next minute she’d be furious, hearing the CIA talking to her out of her vents.

Mary’s coworker, whose name is also Mary, has her dad in the hospital for whatever reason and he too, isn’t quite there. At the hospital, he kept insisting that he was at the skating rink and that his name was Julio, instead of Sam, and that he never saw his daughter in all his life. Then he asked the daughter if she was going skating, too.

The pictures asked me if I thought the money was a sign of something. Well, if it is, I can’t see it. There have been some things in life that were signs, meant to be, and for a later purpose or plan that I didn’t see for years after the fact.

I don’t see how it could mean or lead to anything. I can see our bills being paid off and that’s logic, but my vibes don’t see anything like us getting that bed or moving or anything else too extravagant.

They also asked me if I thought it’d make Tom feel more comfortable about having a kid.

No, I highly doubt that. Money may have been one of the factors, but there are lots of other factors. There are several other reasons why he very well could be and probably always has been and will be afraid to have a kid, whether he admits it or not. He describes me as beautiful and skinny, but that would be gone with a child. So would all my attention and so much more that he’d have to deal with or lose.

Only 3 more days left till Saturday. Saturday’s our anniversary, but will next door make it hell on us? Well, he wouldn’t care, but I’d be fuming and ready to kill. Please, God, don’t let them ruin our special day. Oops, better not say that, or else God will make sure our anniversary includes them and their noise.

According to Tom, his family is sorry I feel God hates me but they’re also rather amused by it.

Oh great! So the whole family knows and thinks it’s all one big fucking joke. With all due respect to my mother-in-law whom I otherwise love and care for very much and who I think is a great person, I’m never gonna utter another personal statement of any kind ever again. I told this to Tom, Andy, some of my family members, and Mom, not Mary and God knows how many other people.

We got a $25 check from Mom and Dad S for our anniversary. I wonder if my folks will send cash or a gift? Now, I hope they won’t send cash.

Later…

I did end up talking to my folks just now and told them the latest scoop.

Tom just called and said that it doesn’t look like Dad’s going home today, but maybe tomorrow.

Later…

Tom called again a little while ago. He’s not sure when Dad’s coming home, but he thinks it’ll be soon. Now, he’s at his parents’ house working on Mary’s car which was towed over there yesterday.

I told him of how my dad was lecturing me about how every single letter sounded down and how I live in the past. I said I told him I was sorry if I sounded like a sad and unstable person and I didn’t mean to depress them and that I’m working on not judging the present by the past. I’ve got a damn good idea of what my faults and flaws are, but I didn’t need him lecturing me. They need to let me be myself and accept me as I am. Tom says he just thinks he was trying to cheer me up. I don’t think so, but that all goes back to my parents’ power of persuasion and goodness. Everyone thinks they’re just trying to help and that they’re good people. Well, they are good and helpful people, but sometimes they have an obnoxious way of showing it and I’m getting sicker of them and have less of a desire to see them as time goes on. I’m not suggesting I dump my parents, but I think it’s best I keep my mouth shut with members of my family too, and not write to them as much.

Also, I know this may sound weird and I know that the longer you don’t see a loved one, the more you miss them, but with me, the longer I don’t see them, the less I want to see them. I just don’t want to be bothered with dealing with these people. I find I’m caring less and less about them and their opinions of me. I can handle Larry and seeing Dad alone, but Mom and Dad together is another story as well as Tammy. I know that if Tom and I were with my parents or with Tammy they’re gonna cut me down in front of him and they know he’s not gonna say a word about it. Not to them, anyway. I don’t want to be alone with these people, either.

I have written them plenty of good stuff and I’m sorry if I’ve written the truth, even if it were bad. Like with Tom’s dad. Of course, I know my parents don’t at all sympathize with me for not being able to have a kid but fuck them and what they think. I don’t owe them, or Tammy, or Larry, or anyone else but my husband shit.

I don’t know how I’ll feel in the future and no, I wouldn’t stop any family members from coming out here, but me go to Florida or New England? No fucking way! The way I see it is like this. My brother’s been cool since we’ve been in touch again, my sister and mother are bitches, my dad’s unpredictable, but mostly cool, my aunts and cousins don’t give a shit and my uncles are little bullies and assholes. I don’t need it.

TUESDAY, JUNE 11, 1996 Yesterday Tom noticed a car next door that he’s never seen before, but they were quiet. I get more nervous as the weekend approaches, though.

No new news with his dad. He’s still the same.

I was telling Tammy about it yesterday and she asked how Tom was dealing with it and if I’ve talked to Mom and Dad. She said something about mentioning it to Mom and Dad, but I don’t need them. My husband needs me. Besides, what can they do? I’m not gonna call them when there ain’t shit they can do for us and I’m gonna be bitched out for calling twice a month. I’m feeling less and less like writing to them as much or even talking to them. I guess it’s just that I haven’t seen much of them since I was 15 and they’re not necessarily my type of people to know or to chat with.

Andy left a message saying I just had to hear his outgoing messages. He starts off saying, “We silly people can’t come to the phone now, so leave a message,” then there was me laughing from the edits. If Judy calls and leaves a message, she may be confused when she hears me and think that the “we” living there is Andy and I and not Andy and Laura.

Yesterday I drew that postcard my mother had sent with the cat on the piano reading music. The cat came out great, but the piano keys were a little peculiar. I didn’t feel like copying all that music, so I stuck a fishbowl in place of it.

Later…

I was watching Little House. This episode was all about broken promises and how the more someone loves you, the less they’re able to keep their promises cuz they want to promise you things that’ll make you happy. Well, Tom really does love me very much.

Last night he said we could move if we really had to and that we would find ways to move if we had to. How, though? The only way I can think of that would enable us to move would be if one of our parents gave us the money.

He said last night he wants a 7-bedroom house. That way we can have a work computer room, a play computer room, an electronics room, music room, a journal room, our room, then the nursery.

Why does he still joke about something that once meant so much to me? I guess he really does want to say things that make me happy and I’m sure that even when I’m 50 or 60, he’ll still be telling me we’re gonna have a kid. The thing that amazes me is how he still says it as if I’ll believe him and not know better. Another thing is, how he says he’s 100% sure we’ll have a kid with such certainty and confidence. Like I said, though, I don’t think I’ll ever know if he’s a great actor when he says this, a total liar, or if he has a problem he thinks will cure itself, or if he has a problem he’s in denial about, or if he plain old just thinks he wants a kid and doesn’t know that his subconscious is saying, “No! I don’t want a kid and I’m too scared to have one.”

There’s still a chance that he could’ve had a time frame in mind all along as to when he’d let himself start cumming, due to his matter-of-fact, certain, and confident way he says we’ll be having a kid, but like I said, I’ll probably never know for sure what his true reasons were for us never having a kid and I doubt it’s the last theory I wrote just now.

Still, to a DES person, the truth will never matter, except to settle my curiosity. I think both God and Tom, though, like the idea of me having to wonder about something. I’m also on my way to being an atheist, too, since any time I’ve really ever prayed didn’t help. It was like I might as well have just been talking to a wall. With all the sick and unfair things on top of that which happen in this world, it’s nearly impossible to believe in God at all, let alone have faith in him.

Later…

I couldn’t bring my lazy ass to draw or clean today, but I did other things. I sang, typed up more of Andy’s journal after writing in it, and did a few other things.

I’m still determined to get a job, if I can’t get some nice career ever, once Tom has the time to take me places.

Tom mentioned taking a sick day at the end of the week to catch up on his sleep. I’ve been encouraging him to use them, instead of pretending we’re gonna have a kid and need them for that. I think sometimes he gets reality and fantasy confused.

There are a couple of things I don’t get. First of all, for the last two days my stomach’s been better, so who knows for sure what it was. If it’s a pulled or torn muscle, though, wouldn’t having a kid make it worse, or create more torn and pulled muscles for a person? I wonder if my stomach pain could’ve been ovulation due to the times I felt it and Tom said he’s heard some women can feel it. But that strongly? And why only since 1992 and not when I first got my periods? And why the bulge in that area?

There’s something else I don’t get about that contradicting husband of mine who says it’s not my fault that he doesn’t cum, then who goes and tells me all the reasons and things I do that turn him off from cumming. He claims he’s got a mind of his own and that other people don’t and can’t control or influence his actions, so then why does he say we’d have sex more often if I had better behavior during mid-cycle? Why does he let what I say or do influence him if he really wants sex? No doubt he’s using me as an excuse for his own fears.

Anyway, I’m so bored right now and I really need a job. Since I can’t have one right now, I’ll have to try to get myself into doing something around here. I wish Tom were home. I also wish I could get him to tell me what this big secret is or that there never was a secret and that it was just another one of his games.

I should really enjoy these quiet, peaceful, moments full of freedom. You see, I know that if we had had a kid, I’d be longing for these days of freedom back and wishing I could trade the hectic craziness for being bored and having my husband all to myself. I know I don’t always get to see him as much as I’d like to, but with a kid, it’d be much worse. As soon as we’d find time together, the kid would either cry or come barging in on us with something it needed.

Later…

I’m still so fucking bored! Tom should be here any minute. He called from his parents’ house and they said there was a chance Dad would be going home tomorrow.

Later…

Tom’s home now and the only really good news is that our financial problems will be over with eventually. Dad’s leaving each of the kids at least $5,000 when he goes.

As far as dad, who knows? We all only hope he doesn’t suffer when he goes.

MONDAY, JUNE 10, 1996 I’m back, after having some pizza and going for a swim.

I hope next door’s not gang-related or associated with someone who is. That’s all we’d need is for someone to do a little drive-by shooting routine aimed at them, and get us by mistake. I haven’t seen any signs that are gang-associated, though, so I guess there’s no point in worrying.

Yesterday when Tom went to see Dad, he wondered if he was ever gonna be coming home again. Yeah, I kind of wondered that myself before he came back and told me so. He’s gonna stop by there after work and he’ll be calling me from there or from his parents’ house to let me know the scoop.

I just remembered that Tom said that he would be embarrassed, if they came here to the house, to let Goldie and Al see that we had separate bedrooms at the time. Then why wouldn’t he be embarrassed to go to a doctor, even though he says he wouldn’t be?

Later…

The kids are out screaming now due to it suddenly cooling down. It went from hot and sunny to warm and cloudy as I was de-dutying the patio.

I talked to Tammy and filled her in on life out here. She says she hasn’t gotten her messages since after Dad left cuz she’s been busy with the kids and work, but mainly with the kids. This is where I really wonder if I want to throw my life away on a kid. Still, if Tom were really serious about a kid, I’d have one for him even if I were against the idea of a kid all the time, cuz I love him that much.

Tammy’s gonna have tons of messages from me when she gets online.

I have a new Bob idea. I called Kim to tell her about it after not being able to think of one for so long, but she had to split for Springfield. So, I told her to hang up and I’d tell her all about it on her machine. The idea is for her to tell Bob I’ve died, by whatever cause, then two weeks later I’ll write to him as if nothing were ever wrong and Kim will deny saying I died or ever knowing anything about it.

Later…

I guess the kids have moved to the front once again. I just went out to feed the birds and there wasn’t a sound. Then when I went to get the mail, there was a magazine that couldn’t fit through the mail slot, and I saw kids out front. Great, if they’re back out there to stay, but I doubt it. Not with those monkey bars. This winter is gonna be bad. I can sense it now. Next door, two houses down, and whoever else, is gonna really drive me batty.

There was a message from Andy. He was reading my Myst journal I gave him a while back and it started off about people being pregnant. He said he was so sorry he said that and that that page is what he happened to turn to when the machine picked up.

Yeah, I believe that, and like God didn’t plan it that way? I told Andy, though, not to worry. I’ve known all my life that a kid wasn’t in my cards. So anything I hear about it isn’t gonna change that. At least he thought about it and thought to ask about Tom’s dad. He said he had had good vibes about Tom’s dad too, but now, who knows?

SUNDAY, JUNE 9, 1996 Well, I’ve been here 4 years today and on this 4th anniversary of being here in Arizona, I must say that yesterday turned out to be a very shitty day. Shortly after the last time I wrote, the freeloaders ended up having a hell of a party for at least 8 hours and there were at least 5 adults and 2 kids. I didn’t hear much in the way of music, but they were screaming at the top of their lungs and bouncing balls on and off like you wouldn’t believe. They were all along the wall that divides our houses. They were in the back, they were at the side, they were in front.

They had their lawn done around 1 something, then started partying around 2:00 or 3:00. We went to bed around 10:00 and they were still partying.

Tom thinks that on weekends they go to play basketball at some gym, and then they go to one of their houses. He also thinks that yesterday was a special occasion, like someone’s birthday or anniversary. It looks like they got a grill now, too, and how the hell they could stand this heat, beats me.

This is the second time in only 3 months that there was an outburst over there and it better not get more frequent or I’ll go over there and set them straight so fucking fast that they won’t even know what hit them. If they want to party and make noise, fine, but it’s not gonna come into this household in any way shape or form.

When we went out to swim, Tom said not to antagonize them by screaming back. But what gives them the right to antagonize me? Anyway, this morning I said to myself, fuck the wanting to listen to music or sing in privacy and I blasted my music for a good 20 minutes to a half-hour like I usually do once or twice a day, depending on my schedule. The only time I won’t make any noise is at night cuz they don’t. Meanwhile, I don’t owe them nothing. Between them and O.J. Simpson, I’m starting to not be very fond of blacks, even though I know there are plenty of good ones as well as bad just like with whites and everyone else. Why do blacks always have to be so loud and obnoxious? I mean, even the adults were carrying on like they were flying on drugs or something. They want to be accepted into society, but then they carry on like animals. Any type of person who wants to be accepted in this world, shouldn’t act like wild assholes unless they don’t give a shit, and obviously, they don’t. They’re just like everyone else who’s self-centered and who just doesn’t give a damn about those around them. They couldn’t just say to themselves, “OK, we’ll be friendly and considerate neighbors since those around us were here first. Keeping our noise for our ears only isn’t too much to ask for.”

Tom says that he’s sure it’ll be a very rare thing with them cuz if they liked company so much, they’d have had more parties. Maybe they didn’t have time for parties before, but, I’m not gonna give them a choice, but to shut up should they turn into neighbors like that butch was at the Vista Ventana. She started off quiet, only to raise holy hell a few months later. Well, not these people! My days of dealing with other people’s noise are over unless it is infrequent, and we’ll see about that. So far, I haven’t heard them, but it’s still early. Tom says that if they were to make this a constant habit, the people next to them on the other side would complain cuz they have small children, and no one wants to deal with a kid who hasn’t had their sleep (they’re lucky we don’t have a baby!). Anyway, there’s no way in hell they’d complain cuz they didn’t when that band used to play 2 or 3 times a week across the street. Also, if they can deal with their kids screaming and those dogs barking at all hours and sleep through that, then they weren’t the least bit bothered by the freeloader’s antics yesterday.

Just when I thought I couldn’t be more convinced that Robin’s a liar and that God hates me, well, I am. Barely halfway through their little fiesta next door, Robin came to me and told me that it’d be a very uncommon occurrence, it’d be over in about an hour, and that I’ll still be pregnant by September 1st for sure.

As far as God goes, well, I swear that he goes and does the opposite of what I pray for. That doesn’t mean that he’ll allow me a kid if I were to pray for him to prevent that, but I prayed for him to at least simmer them down next door, but then it got worse. Dad gets worse every time I pray for him and if I pray for anything positive to happen in the way of sex, there’s always a problem or a fight about it.

Speaking of sex, true to what I figured he’d do, he laid down in bed with me, making me think we’d screw, but he wasn’t in the mood. How convenient. Then he contradicts himself and says that I behave not too coolly when I’m mid-cycle and that if I did, we’d have sex more often and when I was mid-cycle. Then why did he accept my apology for saying those things I never meant to say and say it was over with and that we could move on? And he says he’s not punishing me for talking about a subject that turns him off? Could’ve fooled me. How can he say I can’t control him and that I’m not to blame? He does let what I say control him and he does blame me. It’s my fault if I mention being mid-cycle or having a kid, cuz it turns him off and he blames me for this. I’m so sick of all these things I have to do to get sex more often and I’m so sick of these things I have to do that he says will make him cum. It’s all just fucking bullshit! All he wants to do is avoid me during mid-cycle, cuz he doesn’t want to take the one in billions of chances there are in getting me pregnant, cuz he doesn’t want a kid, tease me about it, say I don’t control his thoughts or feelings and that I’m not to blame, while he then says or implies otherwise, make up these bullshit things that’ll help him while he laughs when they don’t cuz he knows they won’t, loves to see me feel like a failure who’s not good enough sexually, then gets all turned off while making me feel like I have to “earn” sex from him while other things are way more important to him. I’ve never met anyone like him who’s so scared of sex and a kid and who’s so contradicting, confused, cruel, a liar, and such a tease.

Later…

We screwed around an hour ago and it was pretty predictable. He started off in our sideways position for way longer than I would’ve liked (yeah, he’s way eager to do missionary position and get in shape for it and make this kid). Then he went on top and what happened about 5 minutes later? The daily excuse. This time it was that we couldn’t screw on the bed sideways cuz his arms and feet were hanging off the bed. Well, if I really was that horny and wanted to get off that bad, I’d just deal with it.

I feel the same way about him as I feel about myself. Different is good and OK, but must we both be so different? It’s the same old shit. Something I said, he’s tired, he’s sore, he’s sick, he’s busy. I know I may sound selfish saying this now cuz of his dad, but it’s been this way always.

He told me that he dreams of solutions to problems in his sleep. Stuff like computer problems and other problems. I asked if he ever dreamt about solutions to our sex life in his sleep and he said there’s nothing broken between us. True. Unless I’m broke cuz of the DES, any guy who refuses to cum, isn’t broke. Not physically, anyway. I just can’t believe, after all, that he’s got a type of impotence like Tammy said. He’s not as insensitive as Bill is. Meaning, he cries if he needs to, so if he had a physical problem, he wouldn’t be afraid to go to a doctor. At least, I don’t think he would be.

Tom said this morning that he thought there was a chance that the pain I’ve been having in my lower right gut is a pulled muscle. I don’t know. I keep going back and forth from thinking I could have an infection, to it being gas and then to his idea. He told me that around 1973 or 1974, he had the same problem in one of the lower sides of his gut that he thinks was a pulled, weak, or hurt muscle till around 1977. He said that when he was in the Air Force, they made him exercise every day and it seemed to strengthen it. Yeah, I know I should push myself to do more exercises more often, but it’s so very hard.

We went swimming earlier and it was great and lots of fun. There were a few bees Tom had to protect me from and scare off, but there were no dogs, kids, or freeloaders. The birds were out and about, of course, and they’d still get their drinks from the pool. What Tom said was true. What more could the birds want when they’ve got food and drinks here as well as attention? This is the perfect home for them. They let me pat them here and there nowadays and they have no patience when I go to feed them. I lift the cover up and stick my arm in the bucket to reach for some seed and they jump on the cover before I pull my arm back out. In the pool, Tom was asking me why this certain one’s tail was shaking like a leaf. I said they do that sometimes, but that maybe Nervous was reincarnated into that bird, and that that was why it was so shaky and appeared to be a bundle of nerves.

Andy left a message saying Linda’s got a new album out now called Dedicated to the One I Love. Andy says she’s holding the baby she adopted on the cover of it. I didn’t know she adopted another kid. I thought she adopted one that’d be between 10-15 now. Anyway, the review of it was shitty. They describe it as a boring album that’ll put you to sleep. Yeah, I believe that these days.

I haven’t been to the library lately, and I just can’t get into these romance novels. I want to find a good haunting book like John Saul’s to sink into. I don’t know, though, if we’ll have time for quite a while to go to the library.

Tom went to the hospital again to see his dad. He left this morning at around 9:00 and he took off just over an hour ago. I hope that Dad’s condition will improve since I haven’t been asking God to help him.

Tom said his mom was shocked that during our visit yesterday I said I thought God hated me. The subject came up and she asked me. Not directly, but close enough. I had no idea she was telling Tom and others what I was saying to her and now I’ve got to watch out and clam up. I didn’t think she was the kind and she’s so accepting of me and all kinds of people, be it Mexicans, Jews, gays, hyper people, etc. She’s obviously not saying, “Oh, we talked about this and that.” She’s reciting everything I say in complete detail!

Later, I’ve got two movies taped that I may check out. Or parts of them, anyway. I checked the TV guide up to 11:00 so far and there doesn’t seem to be anything too exciting on, so I’ll be doing puzzles or something else tonight if I don’t get tied up with whatever else.

Also, if Tom isn’t playing a joke on me, there are words that I’ve added to the computer dictionary that have been there a while that seem to magically fall out of the dictionary and I have to re-add them.

SATURDAY, JUNE 8, 1996 I felt better last night and this morning, so I did end up going to Ma’s, and then to see Dad at the hospital.

I fell asleep around midnight with no problems, then got up at 6:30. Of course, Tom was tired and didn’t even touch me. We left at 8:00 and went to Ma’s, but we didn’t go to the hospital till 10:00.

When we got there, we ended up cleaning and doing car work. Mom and Dad have two cars and Tom was gonna take one to get a part he needed for one of their hoses. It’s called a splitter. Anyway, when we went to leave, the car wouldn’t start. There was corrosion on the battery. So we put baking soda on it, wet it down and it bubbled away the corrosion. Then the battery died, so we had to jump-start it. Then there was something wrong with the gear. It would not shift, so Tom took care of that.

Then he took off for the hardware store while I dusted and Ma did a little cleaning in the bathroom. I never saw so much dust in one house! No wonder they can’t breathe. There were cobwebs on the stuff near the bed. I also cleaned a couple of their full-length mirrors.

I played a little on her organ, but most of the keys don’t work.

While I was over at Ma’s dusting, I noticed this journal lying on top of a bookcase and I commented on it. Ma said she didn’t know where these journals were popping up from, and gave it to me. It’s older and uglier looking, but I still like it cuz it’s different. I like the quotes and the borders. The whole page layout isn’t the typical kind.

The cranberry juice and the Ibuprofen haven’t helped my stomach completely, so I guess I’ll just have to live with it.

There’s one of my birds in the back room window now. There are lots of them out there now. About 30. He’s looking in now and watching me and what I’m doing.

Shortly after 10:00 was when we took off for the hospital to see Dad. He’s with it, so to speak, and seems a bit better, although he still has a cough. We left Ma at the hospital, then Tom brought me home, and then he went back to mow their yard. He probably won’t be home till around 5:00 or later. I really feel like we have no life! We’ve hardly had any time together and who knows when and if we ever will.

Got the first issue of my new large print word find puzzle today.

Next door’s got company, but they’ve been quiet. That’s probably only due to the heat that they’ve been quiet. I’m sure if it were winter, they’d be out playing ball. I only saw one woman and her daughter visiting. I can’t believe Joely has only one kid. Blacks and Hispanics seem to have tons of them.

Now here’s something pretty amazing and shocking, if you think I’m so unique and different. Cindy, Ma’s sister’s daughter, is 30 years old, and not only is she a virgin who never left her house till after her mother died recently, but she’s also never looked after a kid before. This weekend she’s watching Nickolena. This is the first time in her life she’s babysat. She’s so whacked out from what I’ve heard that I can’t believe she has no kids. Maybe God did do something right after all.

OK, now on the subject of my uniqueness. I know this is gonna sound funny and like a bad excuse, but an outer force (probably God) made me say something to Tom that I didn’t mean and that I didn’t want to say. Nothing’s gonna ever change no matter what I do or don’t say, but I said that I didn’t want a kid for a few years yet, cuz the hospital and all made me want to wait. So, then he said something about not having sex in the missionary position where I’d risk getting pregnant. Yeah, right! He could be in that position, upside down, sideways; the guy won’t cum. The point is that it really felt like an outer force took over me and made me say this when fear of pregnancy is the last of my worries with a guy who doesn’t cum, whether I wanted a kid or not.

I asked myself why this thing would make me say stuff I didn’t want to say when it doesn’t matter, and I can’t conceive anyhow. The only thing I could think of was so that Tom could “punish” me. Meaning, his actions will say, “It’s too late, even though you said you were sorry and explained yourself to me. I’m gonna make sure the sex isn’t that great or that I don’t go on top anyway, just cuz you brought it up and placed it on my mind.” Like it isn’t on his mind every time we fuck anyway? Sure it is. Every time we fuck, he has to concentrate using every ounce of his mind and body to make sure he doesn’t let go. I just don’t want him to use this to tease me or to piss me off. Maybe instead of doing positions I don’t think are as fun, he’ll be too tired or too sore. That’s his usual excuse, so why should he change it now? Of course, by the time we get to doing anything in bed, if we do, it’ll be right before he crashes. Sex seems to be his last concern of the day. Sometimes I wish he’d take some kind of aphrodisiac, but fear of that kid will only override it.

Just think, if we had a kid now, damn would our lives be miserable. We already have no life, so think of what a kid would do to us. There’d be no chance in hell to screw later and I really think I’d just rather want it than have it. I’d be so sick and so miserable. It just isn’t for me. Besides, if I had all my dreams granted, there’d be nothing left to dream about. I’m not mother material and Tom’s busy life and our skinny wallet aren’t for a kid. It’d cost us tons of money to babyproof this house, let alone to pay for the baby and its needs. Is that all really worth the pain my body would go through, what it’d look like after, how we’d be as a couple and financially, the mental fatigue of it, and the lack of sleep and a life?

Maybe God really is just protecting me and my husband and has made me do the right thing. Maybe I should be helping to make sure I’m not pregnant by September, however, that job’s already taken care of. Between Tom and God, they can handle it.

The pool is so nice right now and Tom and I were gonna go for a swim around this time of day, but I guess we’ll have to go later. It’ll still be nice then. If I go at night and if the pool light still hasn’t been fixed yet, since we don’t have time to take care of our own stuff, I’ll bring out my flashlight and skim over the water to see if there are any dead bugs. Then I’ll just get them out of there with the net.

Well, I guess I’m gonna go watch some TV now.

FRIDAY, JUNE 7, 1996 A couple of days ago I wrote a note to Tom that he said was the best I’d ever written to him. Yeah, that’s cuz I told him to forget the patio, the back room, the kid, and more due to all that’s been going on till he’s ready to do whatever he wants.

Anyway, we’re looking forward to a fun weekend. He’s got to mow here and at his parent’s house among other things, but hopefully, we can go swimming, play cards, and screw. Tomorrow I’m mid-cycle, though, so he may want to go down on me or screw in a position that’s easier for him to hold back in. If he goes on top of me, which would shock me, I’ll bet he won’t be there for long. I wouldn’t be surprised if he screwed me tonight and then had some excuse as to why he couldn’t screw tomorrow or at least not for long or on top. Something of his will be sore. Or he may wake up super early so he can be exhausted. Also, I’ll bet he won’t touch me till the end of the day, but I’ll let you know, of course.

Andy may call later. I hope everything’s OK with him. He says his life is very stagnant, too, and that he feels a lot of the feelings I do.

Tom told me if I went to the hospital to see his dad, to be prepared for the guy he shares a room with. He’s a Jewish guy who’s had bypass surgery (that may remind me of my dad). I asked how he knew he was Jewish, and Tom says it’s nothing you can put your finger on, but it’s a subliminal thing that’s inflected in the way the guy talks.

A few days ago, he and his mother talked about money that they’d never quite had before. Well, as I’ve probably mentioned before, his dad was 21 during the depression and he got set in his ways as far as saving money, don’t spend it unless you absolutely need to, cuz the whole country is broke and on welfare. This stuck with him and has always been a way of life for him just like most kids that were abused. That sticks with them and that’s a way of life for them as a child and as an adult. Not everyone can stop living in the past or not go on to do stuff that was done to them.

Anyway, when Mom and Dad got married, it was agreed upon them that the money was his money and it wasn’t to be spent. She could ask for things and stuff like that, but the money wasn’t to be touched for things that weren’t necessities, even though all their accounts are joint accounts. So, Ma told Tom that Dad wanted to give his money to the 5 kids after he dies, even if Mom’s still alive. Tom said he didn’t agree with that (I feel the same), but that it was their money to do as they please.

Again Tom will be stopping by the hospital today after work. I hope his dad is better and close to going home, if not going home. They’re gonna give his dad an oxygen tank to take home with him. Hopefully, that’ll help him.

Before Tom went to work I downloaded some information for him for the first time all by myself from AOL. I also researched AOL for art information but didn’t really find out too much. I mean, it was so overwhelming since there are a million different places to go and a million different things to see. To cover all of what’s on AOL would probably take years. It would also cost a fortune. There’s a monthly fee for AOL that I believe is $10. The first 5 hours are free, and then you get charges added to that $10. I found an area where people made requests for certain drawings they were looking for. One needed a drawing of chickens or something like that for a family reunion. One needed a banana split.

Now would be a good time to sing, but I don’t really feel like it. Musically speaking, though, I did rearrange my tapes. I made a row of them in front of my row of CDs since they were a pain to get at in those cassette drawers. I like to be able to see as much of my music as I can in one spot.

I went for a quick swim just now. It’s to be another hot one out there today and I probably won’t see many of my birds till early afternoon when they get good and hungry or towards the later afternoon. Different birds have different habits and schedules. Chicken Pigeon, for example, usually makes his appearance in the morning and at the end of the day.

It pisses me off that I can’t go swimming at night. Well, I can, but I’d have to do it without the pool light on since the thing that controls it is dead. The reason why I don’t want to swim in a dark pool is that I can’t see what dead bees I may be swimming into or other insects. I’ll have to ask Tom if there’s any other way to activate that light.

I’ll also have to ask him how long email remains on AOL. I think it’s a month or 3 months. Tammy’s so busy and she’s barely got the time to go online, so I hope she’s getting all my messages. I don’t think she’d be tied up from getting online for a month, though. She’s probably gotten my messages but is too lazy or too busy to reply to any of my messages.

I have been praying to God to help Dad get better. Since he’s not very fond of me, who knows if he’ll do so or if he even heard me. We’ll just have to wait and see what Tom has to say when he returns from the hospital.

Alex sent me a message saying he moved. He’s still in Vermont but instead of being in Essex Junction, he’s in Colchester.

Bob’s gonna be a bit confused when he gets my next letter, seeing that it’s journal drafts. He’ll think it’s a letter and be expecting the usual from me. Stuff like how the weather is and just general stuff. Not little details like when I did laundry and shit like that.

Speaking of Bob, he’s well overdue for a new game. What kind of game can Kim and I or just myself play on him? Sometimes I wish I could erase his mind of the edits and all that funny talk and gibberish, so I could start anew by really catching him off guard and confusing him and shocking him and just totally freaking him out with weird lines and gibberish.

When the fuck am I gonna hear from Gloria’s fan club again? They promised me pictures and catalogs in May, so what the hell’s taking so long? They really are screwed up in running this club! I had a dream about a week ago that I was hoping would turn into a dream premonition, but it didn’t. I dreamt that I got 2 or 3 manila envelopes with stuff from her fan club. What it was beats me.

Guess I better get my ass in gear with the drawing. I’ve had a slow spell here and I’ve got to work on those envelopes for Tom as well as stuff in my sketchbook. Maybe I can do some envelopes, too, that’ll be going to my brother and my parents. I should do this in between copying journal drafts.

Andy’s still enjoying his imaginary tour with the Fireflies. He’s gone from California to Oregon and now he’s in Washington.

I should also do some cleaning around here, but I don’t know if I can convince my lazy ass to do any more than the dishes today, but oh well.

I know this is gonna sound very cold and selfish of me, but with the way his parents' illnesses and needs have put a hold on our lives, I sometimes wish they were either younger, out of state, or dead. Maybe that way we could get more done around here and maybe then Tom would at least try occasionally to let himself let go and cum and maybe he wouldn’t be so afraid of the idea of a kid, regardless of whether or not God will allow that. Then again, that may scare him more because if we needed financial help, his folks wouldn’t be around to help and my parents wouldn’t give us a dime. If it weren’t for them loaning us that money to turn the electricity back on, who knows what we’d have done? I’m forever grateful to them for this.

Later…

Tom went to see his dad again and reports no improvement. The lung is still shut tight. Tomorrow we’re gonna go pick Mom up, then go see him at the hospital. Then Tom will bring me home and go back over there to do yard work.

I asked if he’d go down on me. It’s been so long! He agreed, but his tone and expression were as if to say it was a chore he didn’t really feel like doing. And, of course, the ball game comes before I do.

He also says he’s got a secret that I’ll know about by September 1st. He won’t say anything about it, other than that it’s got nothing to do with my family. He’s either just playing with me or it’s something stupid. If it’s not something stupid, it’s got to have something to do with work or money or someplace we might go. I wish it was that he’d come out and say, “I just wanted to wait till now to start working on the kid. I didn’t ever have a problem and it’s not that I never really wanted one either. Look. I can cum. I’ll show you.” I know that’s pure fantasy, though. I really hope he’s not playing with me. That wouldn’t be a funny way to joke with me after I’ve been feeling empty and other negative feelings for so long. I mean, when he says a lot is gonna happen between now and September 1st, it really irks me. We’ll be right where we are now by September 1st, and if we’re not, God will have hit us with a new problem. I hate phonies and liars. Especially when they joke and play with your emotions. A joke like the one he said earlier is different.

I told him that my hair is much heavier when it’s straightened, compared to when I leave it curly. He said we’ll just have to get some helium balloons to take the weight off of it, so I can have it straight without it being so heavy. When I pull my hair straight, it’s to the crack of my ass easily. With my head slightly tipped back, it’s about to the middle of my ass. It’s really moving.

I’m happy to say that the kids were quiet today. That’s fine with me, but I’ll bet they’ll be at it when Tom and I are trying to have a fun, yet peaceful swim during the weekend.

It’s Friday night, so the pigs are swarming around in their helicopters like hell. Sounds like they’re circling near here. Probably someone running from a bar brawl or maybe a car chase.

Kim said something funny to me the other day. She says she tells people, “I’m an RN. A registered nut.”

Laura’s turning out to be a good roommate for Andy, which is nice. It works out well since she’s hardly ever home. She’s out tweaking herself and how these people get the money for shit like this, I don’t know. Andy made a deal with Laura so he wouldn’t have to get mad and bitch her out for not doing her share of the chores (roommates seem to hate doing chores! I should remember that). He said that if she paid him $30 more bucks a month, he’d do all the cleaning and she agreed. He’s more into cleaning now. Especially since he’s got a house.

Later…

Tom just went to get me some cranberry juice for that obnoxious pain I’ve had in my lower right gut since 1992. Cranberry juice helps it. I’m sure it’s gas and I hope to hell I don’t have a UT infection. I asked Tom for cranberry juice 3 or 4 days ago and it’s not like him to keep forgetting. He’s always jumped to do anything I need that’s non-sexually related. Of course, I still wish he’d take care of me sexually right when I need it, but first, he had to watch an hour and a half of TV. “Can’t I have a life?” he asked me.

Sure. But I’d like to come before his other life.

If I’m not asleep between 11:00 and midnight, I’ll have to ask myself if I want to try the Melatonin again and not give up when I should, or if I want to just say fuck it and fall asleep whenever I fall asleep.

I got one more hint about the secret (if he really has a secret). I asked him when I’d find out what it was and he said there was no set time. It still seems logical that he’s playing with me and if so, why oh why must this man play with me like I’m someone’s old Barbie doll? If he has a secret, maybe it’s got something to do with our anniversary. God! I’m about to be married for two years. Except for the baby bullshit, it’s been great. I am really truly blessed and I know most people would kill to be in my shoes.

If the cranberry juice helps, and I believe it has helped in the past, I should keep it around at all times, so that I don’t have to suffer when I get feeling this way. The Gas-X doesn’t really help that much and who knows why the cranberry juice helps. Must be something about the way it mixes with the gases.

The monitor looks so shitty. The colors are all screwy and it’s way too big for the screen. I really hope Tom can get a monitor from Eldon soon enough. Even Tom says he misses using a normal monitor and almost has come to like his black and white one better, rather than having to deal with stripes and blotches of color that shouldn’t be there.

I wonder if next door is gonna take off for the weekend as they have for the past two weekends. A dark-colored car has been parked in the same exact spot deep in the carport for about a week now, even when they’re not home. How do I know it’s there even when no one’s home? Oh, I guess I just sense it. I hear no one coming and going and no sounds at all. When they’re here, I can at least hear them coming and going.

Anyway, I guess we’re gonna leave here tomorrow morning around 8:00 and we’ll probably get back either around late morning or around noon. Then he’s gonna go back out to do their lawn. Then he’ll come home and eat and then we’ll go swimming. If we screw or do anything, let me guess, it’ll happen no earlier than 7:30. Well, if I’m that horny and can’t wait on him, I can at least always take care of myself. Without that, I’d have a real problem, I guess.

What is taking him so long? How crowded can the grocery store be now? Then again, in Phoenix on a Friday night - I’m sure it’s busy enough.

I haven’t been playing Crazy 8’s on the computer too much lately. I don’t like the way it plays for points and how it passes when the deck runs out. Why can’t it reshuffle the deck just like you do when you play with a regular deck of cards?

He should be back any minute, so bye for now!

Later…

Tom returned with the juice. I drank a glass and already I feel so much better. But is it the juice or the Ibuprofen I took about 20 minutes ago? Time will tell.

He doesn’t want me going tomorrow, cuz he doesn’t want me getting sick at the hospital or something like that. He said his parents need him too much to have to take care of me for being sick. He said I need to sleep and take care of myself. I’m so fucking pissed, though, cuz I really wanted to go. Also, there goes our fun weekend and Tom will certainly use this as the perfect excuse to not touch me.

Thanks, God. Thanks, a real fucking lot!

THURSDAY, JUNE 6, 1996 I wish they would just shut the fuck up two yards down! I’m gonna be in for a hell of a winter. I can see that now. Why oh why did they have to move them out back to play? Won’t they just go back out front?! Well, God’s got to give me this in exchange for next door’s quietness. Noise from two houses away is better than from one house away.

Andy left a very nice message this morning wishing Tom’s dad better.

I also spoke to my folks. Ma sounded her usual crabby self and we didn’t talk long. I told Dad I was sorry I wasn’t there to help fit all those candles on the cake and he said it was too late cuz the cake melted, anyway.

Later…

Hey, a mouse just ran under the door to the garage while I was sitting there feeding the birds!

I just talked to Kim and Andy. Kim didn’t have much to say, other than she’s still swamped with doctor’s appointments and wishes I’d move back there so we could swap lives again. When I lived there, of course, she never had any problems, while my asthma, colds, and flues were driving me batty.

Then I talked to Andy who’s harder to talk to. Not cuz he can’t deal with me, but cuz I can’t get a word in edgewise when he talks these days.

The kids have been quiet since their 9:00 screaming match, so that’s nice.

The bee thing really is a bust as I figured, since I really wanted it to work out. I went to trim the hedges with it, but yellow jackets still came around. Just like with in the pool. I thought about trying to conquer my fears of bees, but that’s easier said than done, cuz of the way they’re so stupid and brave and fly right at you. Bees are like moths that fly in your face and fly into your arms and all over you and even land on you and sit there. If bees would just go get their drinks, be terrified of going anywhere near people, and then just leave, maybe I could deal with them but they’re not like that. If I were in the pool and stood still, they’d fly all around my head, then no doubt land on me and sit there for God knows how long.

Tammy won another award at school for getting good grades. They gave her a certificate for dinner for two. I feel like everyone else in the world is succeeding, but us and his parents.

Andy can really relate to some of the things I’ve said. He feels the same way I do as far as other people always seeming to manage to pull themselves out of their ruts and get what they want in the long run. Or happily settle.

The first two years of my being here sure were different than the last two years of my being here. I feel like in the last two years I’ve accomplished nothing, but little stuff. The first two years were full of wonderful changes and surprises. I danced, I met and married Tom, I was reunited with my brother after 8 years, I got off the Theo, I got off disability, I had my ear done, went to Vegas, etc.

This morning Tom told me that I’ve matured so much by not being as selfish. Like that’ll get me anywhere, whether I have or haven’t? He says I’m a great wife and person with the potential to be a good mother. I don’t always feel like a great wife or person, even though I know I’m not a bad wife or person and it doesn’t matter whether I have the potential to be a good mother when there’ll be no kid.

Andy said a therapist or doctor can fix Tom with whichever one of the two problems Tom could have, but I disagree. If he’s lying, a therapist can’t make him tell the truth and if it’s physical, they can’t cure it. Andy said that maybe God wants us to go through some experience together where we have to work things out and deal with whatever his case may be. I doubt it. I don’t think it’s a case of having to be tested, struggle, suffer, and go through fixing and dealing with all kinds of shit before I can have this. I think it’s what I’ve always thought it is. God’s got his mind made up and nothing we do, say, believe, think, feel, or want will change that. God can only test someone for so long. Then it becomes obvious one’s fighting a losing battle and that there is no test involved.

I used to think that homeless people were all druggies and alcoholics that asked for it, but I was almost homeless in the past and I wasn’t a druggie or an alcoholic and I didn’t ask for it. Also, I used to think a loser was someone who didn’t care or want to try for any goals or dreams and who put no effort into achieving anything. So my point is that I feel like a loser by force. I feel like the more I care, want, or try for something, the more God’s gonna see to it that I don’t succeed.

I’m in a weird position too, cuz at the same time I feel like I’m stuck at a standstill and I don’t want to always be a miserable failure, I’m afraid to succeed for fear that my success won’t last very long. I find myself saying to myself, “What’s the point of moving to a bigger more modern house when someone could just come by and burn the place down?” and “What’s the point of getting pregnant when I’d just have a miscarriage?”

Tuesday night when Tom’s dad had that procedure done on his lungs, he was put in intensive care after surgery. Tom was asking me what my vibes were, and I told him he’d be out of there soon and home Friday. Well, he was out of intensive care and put into a regular room as of yesterday, and for his sake, I hope I’m right about him coming home tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5, 1996 Tom’s father’s in the hospital right now and not doing too well. His lung collapsed and they’re hoping to re-inflate it. He’s gonna stop by the hospital after work and hopefully, things will have improved. I shall pray to God that all goes well with his dad. I know this is something that’s OK to pray for, too.

I knew before, but now I really know - there’s no way Tom will touch me on Saturday. Not only is that a scary day for him for reasons we already know, but he’s gonna have his dad on his mind which is perfectly understandable. What a coincidence that this happens right around mid-cycle with his dad. Especially when this is maybe the first or second time I’ll hit mid-cycle on his day off. Tom can’t control what goes on with his dad, so I see more and more how God’s controlling this situation. But why would God and Tom want Tom to stay away from me during those times when he won’t cum and when God can make sure I’m sterile? It must be just to baffle me.

Later…

Before Tom went to work he told me he felt he was a bad husband cuz he hasn’t given me the attention I need. I thoroughly understand. If I were him and if my father was going through what his father’s going through, I’d have that on my mind, too, and want to be alone or not do much extra stuff. I know he still loves me and he takes care of me just fine. I do miss having sex more often, but I’ve never felt we had sex enough and I never will.

Later…

What the hell are the kids two yards down doing out playing in this kind of heat? Are they playing in a kiddy pool or running through sprinklers? If I can hear a scream here and there now, I can only imagine how much I’ll hear them in the winter when the air is thicker, making sounds louder.

I showed Tom an ad I saw for housekeeping at a hotel. He was reluctant about it, saying he doesn’t think that’s what I want. We’ve already been through this and about how no one really likes their jobs and how I can’t do what I want to do. I’m not gonna sit in this house forever while he falsely promises us a kid every few months. He’s always gonna cum, he doesn’t want to wait on the kid, now’s the perfect time for a kid… Then where is this kid?! I think I can find better things to do with my life, whether I like them or not than listen to him kid me and begging God to change his mind. Fate is fate, whether or not Tom’s lying or whether or not he really believes what he says and doesn’t know any better.

The bee things may work, after all, but being the pessimist I am, I need to give it more time. That one I used yesterday is either broken it its battery is dead. The other one gave off a high, soft pitch, unlike the one I tried yesterday. One might very well be enough, though, if we can’t fix the other one. The one that works is easier to hear at say 9 AM, rather than 1 PM since the hotter air is thinner. It’s harder to hear when it’s hotter.

Later…

I wish my last week’s horoscope was right when it said I was perfectly equipped to excel at whatever I chose to do. I wish this week’s horoscope were right, too, which says: It would seem that you are about to be pleasantly surprised by a close associate or loved one who knows more about a certain matter than you do. Don’t be backward about coming forward - you have more than earned any benefits, bonuses, or rewards that come your way.

My loved one knows more about a certain matter than I do? Well, I always figured that if I didn’t think Tom was bullshitting me about the kid and that it could be a physical problem, maybe I’d think he was waiting, but wouldn’t admit that. I doubt it, though, and if my horoscope has any accuracy, I’d say it had to do with any helpful art info over the computer.

TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 1996 I just talked to Andy for a little while and Tom’s up now, too. He’s eating the spag I made him.

A few days ago, I asked Tom, who’s sure we’ll have a kid, if he’s ever been wrong on something he was so sure of. He said no, not something like this. Did he forget how he was sure I’d be a bad wife when we got married? If he was sure I’d be a bad wife, then how can he not feel sure I’d be a bad mother, too?

Tom’s sworn over and over that his problem isn’t physical. OK, then if it’s psychological, it’s got to be fears, doubts, and worries about having a kid and fears, doubts, and worries about what kind of a mother I’d be. How can it be anything else? How can it be cuz the sky is blue? Or cuz the carpet in here is brown? Or cuz my hair is long? Or cuz he’s into spicy foods?

Later…

I forgot to say that a few days ago, that book club sent me a notice. They’re not gonna send any books till I send half of what I already owe, so no more books from them.

I went through the employment ads and so far I found one possibility for me. Housekeeping at a small hotel in Phoenix. I figured that if this is gonna be my life and all God will allow for me, I better stop worrying about my schedule and take whatever I can get for however long I can hang onto it.

We went on the World Wide Web to check that singer’s thing. So far, we��ve found that it has karaoke music you can buy and stuff like that.

Dreams to Dream is a song of Linda’s from some movie track that I want. I only heard a quick clip of it once and thought it was really beautiful. I’d love to have this song, but first I’ve got to find out what movie it’s from and if I can get a cassette single of it or whatever.

Later…

I know the birds have some nests going in the palm tree across the street, but one has a nest in the tarp out on the patio. There’s a part of the tarp we put up with some of the old rafters covering it, so it’s a fairly shaded area they’re nesting in. I climbed up on a stool and I couldn’t see in, but I could see the mother bird’s head and she looked right at me. I couldn’t see it cuz I’m not tall enough and the bottom of the nest is shaped like a bowl and only a few inches tall before it hits the rafter above it.

Later…

Larry and Sandy sent me a band roster from Agawam High with little Larry’s name listed under percussion.

Larry and Tammy sure have things about their kids to be proud of.

I also got those bee things in the mail and once again, I knew it was too good to be true as with 99.9% of anything I want bad enough. I waited for a bee to come and flicked it on. Instead of flying away, he got a drink and then charged at me, so I ran.

Why do I bother trying for anything I want? I realize more and more that getting pregnant would be scarier than a blessing. Not just for reasons I’ve already stated, but cuz I’d no doubt have a miscarriage, so what would be the point of getting all psyched up for nothing? Also, I may feel empty and purposeless, but due to life being negative and positive, getting pregnant would be just swapping one misery for another. Instead of feeling empty and missing out on a child, I’d just be tired, fighting more with Tom, I’d lose my life and I know what my body would feel like and look like, too.

What’s the point? Shouldn’t we just remain as we are and be happy with what we’ve got and can do and can have? Is it really necessary to change our lives when it’s not to save our lives or fix/end a crisis?

There’s something else I realized, too. Seeing a doctor in ‘97 is only gonna make us look desperate. Those who see fertility doctors are desperate, and is that any good to be any more than a person who’s dying to get laid? It’s not good by your average person’s standards to be desperate for love or sex and the average person really sees anyone who goes to a dating service as desperate. Therefore, isn’t seeing a fertility doctor desperate? And does it show an unhealthy obsession? Isn’t it wrong for a person to really, really want something bad?

MONDAY, JUNE 3, 1996 I just went out back and at this point, the sun’s illuminating the patio. There were tons of webs. Yuck! Tom killed most of them.

Last night I made two new bracelets that are pretty cool. They’re designed differently than I’ve ever designed any bracelet or another piece of jewelry. One’s got two different colors, purple and pink, and they rotate and are linked from their two different strands here and there with clear beads. The other’s got 4 strands of beads in pink, orange, blue, and green with black beads along the way after every 10 beads or so. I twisted it before putting it on and it looks really cool.

It’s already 70º out and by the next few days, the pool will not only be comfy at 3 PM, but at 3 AM as well. That’s nice to know since my schedule will always be erratic.

We have to order a new part for the vacuum since I was stupid enough not to remove my hair from its brush regularly.

Tom’s showering now, and then he’ll be off to work.

Soon, I’ll be firing up the computer to check for email and whatever else I decide to do. Whoever sent me an email from the singer’s website still remains a mystery. Guess it was either random or a mistake.

Later…

The dogs were going off and I was like, what the fuck?! It’s Monday. Mondays and Thursdays are when the garbage truck comes and they go off. See? That’s how I know they must be guard dogs. Not just cuz they’re outside 24/7, but cuz they always bark at the garbage truck and by now you’d think they should be plenty used to them like the M’s dog got used to shit going on around here. There would be only two reasons the M’s dog would bark after it settled down. Either cuz of some new or different sound or a presence or cuz the M’s neglected the dog and barely paid any attention to it. They probably couldn’t get the time with all those kids.

How can kids play around guard dogs like they did that day when they were on the monkey bars? The dogs must’ve either been tied up away from the kids or the kids were introduced to them to let them know they weren’t intruders. That’s what Anna and Harry did with me with their guard dog at LaRagiones. Otherwise, Max would’ve killed me.

Wow. It’s already 93º and they say it’ll be 110º today. I thought it was only supposed to be 108º today and 110º tomorrow. Yesterday when it was 103º and about 11:00, I couldn’t fucking believe it. I heard kids scream on and off for a little while and automatically assumed it had to be two yards down, but then it occurred to me that the people behind us, who have a pool, could’ve had their grandkids over. I doubt it, though. It was probably two yards down. I really think they’re Mormons too. I can see two of the symptoms of being Mormon that they seem to have always had. They’ve probably got no less than 4 or 5 kids and they’re home 24/7. I wouldn’t be surprised if they home-teach their kids like the M’s did.

Lucky for me it’s summer now, but of course, I wonder how it’ll be next winter. Will they be on their monkey bars 24/7 and now be using their backyard to play in? Will the welfare bums party outdoors with their music and basketball? What kind of dogs could the assholes have, and will their kid be out screaming holy hell as it gets older?

I know we’re not moving for several years yet. It’s kind of obvious unless we win the lottery. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we were still here in the 2000s. Therefore, I have to be like a military person. On-call to take care of any bullshit, while I hope to hell I don’t have to deal with any that I’ve got to take care of.

Another thing Tom said to me the other day was that I’d be spoiled if I didn’t have a kid cuz that’s what he wants.

Uh-huh. And what does he preventing us from having the kid I wanted make him? A saint? I don’t think so. It’s just as easy for me to say, how fucking rude, cruel, and selfish of him. You can’t make someone have a kid just cuz you want one. You can’t do that any more than you can tell someone you want one and will have one with them when you know you won’t. I may want one, but that statement was a major turn-off to the idea for a while. Good, though, cuz it’s just what I needed. If I don’t bring it up, I hope and think he’ll forget about the kid idea for a while. At least I need not worry that he’ll cum cuz of the risk of it, but also cuz of the way it probably stinks and will surely make a mess.

I’m happy to say that I got over my shitty emotional spell much quicker than I thought. I’m back to telling myself - fuck what others think or believe. I know what I can and can’t do and I know and understand myself and fuck the rest of the world, other than Tom and myself.

Other than that I’m not doing much and am coming to the end of my day.

I keep telling myself to work out and to stick to it this time, but that’s easier said than done. My weight’s up a bit. Just over 100 and I may go on a diet. I may end up taking that Slim-Fast and just dealing with how dairy upsets my stomach. I’ve got to cut down on granola bars and eat more stuff like tuna fish.

Tom’s dad really has to go through hell this week. They’re admitting him to the hospital for at least two days. They’ve got to spray cornstarch and talcum powder into his lungs to make them bleed. Then, hope they heal and that the lungs stick to the chest cavity. Gross and painful!

I hear my birds out there and I suppose they want some seed, so I guess I’ll go feed them now.

SUNDAY, JUNE 2, 1996 I wish to hell I was one of those who could write when I was mad, tired, sad, or whatever so that I could do so when my thoughts were still fresh in my head.

Kim called while I was asleep. She talked to Tom and told him she saw Gloria in Boston. It was at an outdoor place with other bands. Hope she liked her and I’ll be waiting to hear from her about that.

Yesterday when I checked my email, there was a message from the singer’s website containing info about performances and more. The note said, heard you like to sing, check this out, etc. This is why I thought it was someone who knows me and knows I sing and not randomly sent to me. Tom says it could’ve been randomly sent or maybe Alex or Tammy put my name on a mailing list. Alex confirmed that he didn’t send it like I thought he didn’t and there’s no way Tammy would send it. Who knows then? Anyway, Tom and I will check it out one of these years.

Tom says missionary position is the best and that there’s no comparison to how good that feels to the old position. I still feel he isn’t that eager to do it more or that he wants to do it for too long at a time. His parents are really bad off now and even if he really does want a kid, I think his subconscious isn’t gonna allow him to do anything about that now cuz of his parents, money, and all kinds of shit going on in life. If he doesn’t have a problem, then he still may not want a kid deep down in his subconscious and maybe he feels he’s protecting me. He knows how much I value my sleep, not being too fat, how sensitive I am, and more. And of course, there’s God too, and his plans for me which I still say are no plans.

I asked Tom why he implied he didn’t want a kid when we first met and what made him change his mind and be so sure he wants one now. He said that cuz he wasn’t really in a position to have one when we first met, it kind of turned him off of the idea, but now that he is, he’s into it. I wish I was like that. I wish I could say I didn’t like the idea of having a kid or a schedule or of quitting smoking since I can’t and or am not in a position to do so.

I also asked him, if he thought dancing was a loser job, then why did he get to know me? He said cuz I hadn’t been dancing for a year and that I seemed like I wanted something else. Something more.

Tammy called me a couple of days ago to tell me how proud she was of Lisa’s solo that she did in concert and that she’ll be sending us a video. I am very, very happy for Lisa, Tammy, and the rest of the family and very proud too, but this sparked all kinds of bad and unwanted emotions on my part and made me really bummed out for a while there. I was overrun with feelings of jealousy, depression, and just not being good enough. I haven’t had problems with feelings of jealousy or being self-conscious or worrying about what people think of me for a good 10 years now, but lately, these feelings have been apparent. I know it’s uncool to feel jealous and to worry about what others think of me as a person or what they think of things I do and that all that should matter is what my husband and I think, feel, or want. I found myself riddled with jealousy and wishing I could put all this time and energy I’ve got into having a kid, making a difference in its life, being proud of it, and wanting to show it off to others and tell all about things it can do. I hate God for taking this away from me.

Tammy didn’t say so, but knowing her, her tone said that I couldn’t sing well enough for anyone to give a shit or praise it in any way. Then, feelings about my family labeling me a nut, and stupid or not, came flying into my head left and right. I tried to tell myself not to feel jealous and that my family will never really give a shit about me or be proud of me. Also, they’re just too set in their ways to ever think I’m more than just a so-so singer even if I were suddenly a 10+. I know I’m not a great singer, but I still feel that they’ll never really give a damn about my singing, drawing, signing or anything else. All they really care about or want to hear about is stuff they can relate to themselves or just trivial stuff like the weather.

I know I shouldn’t give a shit what my family thinks and I know I shouldn’t be jealous of anyone, but it’s hard to help at times. I know we all have our bad times where we feel stuck in a rut and can’t get anything we want, but it seems that others always find a way out of their ruts and into their dreams or goals in the long run, whereas I stay right where I am. I know I’m blessed for being able to live here and for being married to Tom and that’s 1st best to me, but I know this is it. This is where the first bests stop and where the rest of my dreams and goals remain just that. Dreams, goals, fantasies, and desires, but never a reality.

I always said Tammy was a lousy mom and in a lot of ways I’d still say that, but I think it’s great that she’s proud of Lisa and that she’s encouraging her. Our mother never encouraged us whether we were good at something or not. I believe parents should encourage their kids to do stuff they like even if they aren’t good at it, cuz there’s always a chance, be it slim or great, that they’ll improve or even excel at something they weren’t very good at.

I tell myself I should be happy with what I do have, stop complaining, and stop being miserable so much, but in the end, the stubborn selfish person that I can be comes out crying all miserable over what she can’t have, do, or be like a spoiled rotten kid.

Later…

It’s gonna be a scorcher today. I’ve got the phone right next to me, so I’ll call for today’s high.

We just played Crazy 8’s on the computer in which I kicked his ass.

It’s currently 87º and the high will be 107º. It’s gonna be 108º on Monday and 110º on Tuesday. Why are they calling that unseasonably warm? It’s supposed to be this hot in June.

Before playing cards, we screwed. We began on our sideways one, as he led us to this position. He had a head start, meaning he was already hard to begin with and seemed close to cumming even as I warmed him up. So I thought to myself, shit. He’s so close that he may never go on top if I don’t ask him to.

So he went on top, but not for long. Afterward, he seemed bummed, even though he said he was just tired. However, I could swear his expression was saying, shit. I’m so much closer on top that I may lose it. Now I’ve got to worry about that which sucks.

Why don’t I just know with every ounce of my heart and mind that Tom won’t cum on top? Why don’t I feel he won’t? Because he won’t. No way in hell will he.

I sometimes do look ahead and ask myself where I think I’ll be in life in the fall, for example, but then I have to shake myself back to earth. I have to tell myself, come on now. You’ll be right where you are today and you know it.

Last night the cat/dog calendar in the living room fell apart, so I took apart the dog calendar in the kitchen too. Then I tore down those watercolor paintings I had in the living room and redecorated that area with them (dogs & cats) and the front door, too. I made a new calendar since 1996 isn’t over.

Later…

I was quite annoyed the other night. I was trying to draw a mouse from a design on a pad Kim sent and I just couldn’t do it. It was a simple little outline I was gonna shade and define and color in. I’ve done several others similar to this, but I just couldn’t cut it with this one. So I was telling Tom how I feel that the only thing I can always do is flowers. I wish I could do people, animals, and a wide variety of things whenever I choose to. He told me, though, that that’s normal and all artists have one thing they specialize in. Then he told me about a famous artist who painted the same mountain 175 times.

He also said something I disagree with about a totally different subject. He said if you do your best to achieve what you want, things are guaranteed to work out.

Yeah, right!

[russellsppttemplates]

Always and Forever (Pierre Gasly)

Note: english is not my first language; Pierre looked so so so nice in his wedding outfit and it got me thinking; also, I'm back from holiday and now I have a little bit of time before I'm back to work so if you have any ideas let me know!

Feedback is appreciated 🤍 and although I'm not taking requests per se, if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to so so!

Tw: mentions of death of close family and friends

"How's it going in there, mon ange?", Pierre asked as he went to the wardrobe to grab his suit, "Hair and make up are done, I just need to get my dress on, shoes and handbag and then I'll be ready!", you replied back as you left the bathroom, hands on the robe's belt so you could untie it. As you were undoing the knot, Pierre grabbed your face, "Whenever you wear make up, I prefer it when you do it like this", he commented, caressing your cheek slowly, "really? I didn't want to bother too much, I wasn't feeling any of the inspiration pictures I saw on Pinterest so I just did something easy and simple", you blushed, "I like it, I can see your beauty in first hand, your mole right here", he pressed the lightest of kisses on your temple, "the way you blush when someone compliments you, and I know you'll get many compliments today because look at you", he finished as he twirled you. You had been together for 6 years and he still managed to make you swoon everyday, and a part of you always wanted it to be like that.

Grabbing your dress after you pressed a soft kiss on his lips, you went to your side of the bed so you could both get ready. Doing up the small zipper on your side, your hands ran over the fabric, smoothing out any wrinkles as you turned around, facing Pierre's muscular back as he was putting his shirt on, letting your eyes linger for a bit longer. Grabbing your heels, you sat on the bed so you could fasten them, wiggling your toes to check how they were fitting, "How do I look?", you heard Pierre ask, making you turn around to check his green and white outfit, "You look very handsome, mon coeur, I'm one very lucky lady", you said as you got up to grab your bag, "Thank you", he said smiling, "So do you, ma belle. You always make me feel like the luckiest man", he said grabbing your hips and pressing a kiss to your shoulder. You had gone with an emerald green midi dress in an off the shoulder cut, the colour complimenting your tones as well as your boyfriend's outfit, "I just need to grab my bag and we'll get going", you said, pressing a kiss to his lips as you made your way out of the room.

The ceremony was beautiful, everything was so nicely decorated and the warmer temperatures helped as everyone was having a good time celebrating love. Taking the opportunity to update a picture of you and Pierre, he asked the photographer if he could snap a few pictures of you, "I'll send them to you right away", he said as he flicked a few buttons in his camera. You were walking back to the reception area, food and drinks going around as everyone chatted to one another, "Oh Y/N, don't you look amazing? This dress looks gorgeous on you!", you heard a mature female voice comment, "Mrs Bernard, thank you. You look amazing too, definitely doing the 'mother of the groom' part very well!", you complimented back. Despite it being the wedding of one of Pierre's friends, you were lucky that since you had been around for some time that you knew a good amount of the guests, especially his mom. "Well, I'm very happy today. Matt got married, I just gained a daughter, the weather is lovely and everyone is having a good time. Speaking of everyone, where is your Pierre?", she asked, prompting you to look around for the driver, spotting him heading your way with two glasses on his hands, "Mon ange, I got you something to drink, but I'm afraid I don't have anything for you ladies", he said giving you one of the glasses and greeting the rest of the group. "Thank you handsome", you said, pressing a kiss to his cheek, earning coos all around you, then falling into comfortable conversation.

As the evening progressed, you ended up in Pierre's arms, swaying to a slow song played by the band, "Do you ever think about us like this?", Pierre asked, gently nooding his head to the newlyweds, "Like married? Our wedding?", you confirmed your suspicions that earned you a nod from Pierre, "yeah, I do, having all our friends and family gathered, promising to love you forever, sounds nice", you said pressing a kiss to his lips, "obviously wish my parents could be here to see it happen, but I do think grandma would be ecstatic for it all", you said looking up at him. There were so many moments where you wish your parents were alive, you wanted them to see you graduate in the degree of your dreams and that they always supported you in, to see you get your first job, to meet Pierre and see how happy you were with him, but a fatal accident took them away from you when you were a teenager. You still remember the first time you told Pierre about it, and his reaction couldn't be further from what you had expected. You had been on around five dates, nothing too intense as he had taken a pace you had set, but meaningful enough that you felt comfortable sharing such information about yourself, leaving Pierre to show you his vulnerability, sharing his pain over losses he had experienced and later asking for a permission to go and visit them with you. When you arrived, he spoke from the bottom of his heart as he promised he would take care of you, always treat you right and no matter what always play in your corner, proving that he was the love of your life. And 6 years down the road, he kept his promises, intending on doing it until the end of time.

"They'll be watching you, proud like always", Pierre said, pressing a gentle kiss on your forehead, "and yeah, your grandma and my mother would have a blast doing it all", he said, "it's something I've been thinking about too, just waiting for the perfect moment", he finished and you stilled for a bit, before realising that you were still on the dance floor and that there were other moving people on it, prompting you to carry on. "Why are you so shocked, my love?", Pierre asked, you had talked a lot about your futures and it seemed the next logical step, sooner than later too, "I'm not, we've talked about it but just hearing it makes it different", you said, comforting the worry that the crease on his forehead showed, "So now I'll have to be ready at all times?", you joked, "you always look beautiful to me, and I'm planning on a really good surprise, just when you least expect it", he teased back.

You giggled as you leaned to his chest, head resting there and you swayed away, thinking about how lucky you were to have this man in your life while said man thought about his plan, a proposal on your shared house's garden watching the starts at night on a random day like you usually do, knowing the positive answer is coming to him.

[subpar-ghoulfriend]

Live In Nanny Pt 2

Villain!All Might x Reader

All Might raising baby Deku but is in desperate need of a nanny (Pt 2). The morning after and basically wayyyy to long so the smut is gonna have to be in pt 3. (word count: a little over 2k)

pt 1 here

TW: Yandere themes, day after dub con, reader is held against their will

You were sore. Your hips, wrists, back, pussy, everything ached. A silky sheet was the only thing covering your bare form. You could feel that you were alone in bed, Toshi's bulkiness was no longer weighing down the mattress. It must be mid morning because light was streaming through the curtains. Maybe if you remained still you could absorb into the mattress. Not only because of your tender body, but because you would prefer to never see your boss again. But speak of the devil. "Are we staying in bed all day?" You groaned. Hating how he worded his question. We. It was condescending, patronizing, and somehow filled you with butterflies. Something was placed on the bed, definitely not heavy enough to be Toshi. And then you realized, not something but a tiny someone. Baby Izuku crawled over to you, babbling, and tapped your sore shoulder. "Morning, Zuzu," You mumbled. Your joints crackled to life and you tightened the covers so you could face the little one. Behind him the clock read 11:00 am. "I need to get dressed." The villain cocked his head, "I tossed your clothes in the laundry do you want me to go get something from your closet?" No, you didn't want him running through your belongings. He would probably make a mess. "Just give me one of your shirts." That provided you enough modesty to get to your room and you were surprised the menace didn't follow. You scrubbed your body raw under the shower, subconsciously punishing yourself for taking pleasure from the night before. You were frustrated. Clean and covered in giant sweat pants and a hoodie you stormed into the living room where Toshi sat watching izuku entertain himself. "I quit." There was a pause. You tried not to look at the child. He would sway your resolve. This didn't have anything to do with him, it was between you and his father. "Alright." Oh. He wasn't going to challenge you? Figures, the man got what he wanted from you. You turned on your heels and rushed back to your room. You didn't own much so it wasn't hard to shove your belongings back into the suitcase. Opening your bedside drawer you froze. Your keys and phone were missing. This was their spot. The dedicated key-and-phone drawer. You check the room once, twice, then Izuku's room, the playroom, the kitchen. "Where are my keys?" You hissed, to hell with the phone you could buy a replacement. "Why would you need those," His voice was taunting. You felt your fists ball up and your nails dug into your palms. You stomped your foot like a frustrated child. "Because I'm leaving, I quit, now give me my keys." "I agreed you can quit, if that's what makes you feel better. I didn't say anything about leaving." The tension could be cut with a knife. He wasn't speaking or moving, he was eerily looming. In the other room Izuku was getting fussy. It knotted your stomach not going to check on him, but you kept your eyes on the villain. Toshinori was the first one to move, he went to check on his son. Clearly you weren't a threat. You could do without the keys, even sacrifice your suitcase. You made it all the way to the front door where you expected him to be, but he wasn't. He was with Izuku. With a twist at the knob the door didn't budge. You tried once more before angrily shaking the door. All Might called for you, "I told you that you aren't leaving. It's a two way security system but feel free to keep trying." When did he install this? You didn't see anything obvious like a box or camera indicating a security system. You could've thrown a fit or tried to break open the window but you had a feeling you wouldn't make it far. "What are you getting at?" You asked, rejoining the father-son duo. "Nothing aside from what we discussed last night in bed," he was making your cheeks burn red. "Making sure we stay a happy family." By the tone of his voice you knew there was no room for discussion. He didn't chastise you for slamming the door your room. He didn't pester you through out the day. He didn't even open your door to tell you he made dinner. He came by later to tell you (through the door) that he left you a plate in case you get hungry. By midnight you were. You tip toed down the hall, peeking into to the nursery to see Izuku fast asleep. You scarfed down the food before crawling back to bed. --- The next day you shuffled out of bed and into Izuku's room where you picked up the quiet but awake baby. You were gentle as you combed through his green curls with your fingers. He was still warm the way babies gets when they sleep. Holding him soothed you. Toshi melted when he saw you two curled up on the couch. He didn't want to ruin the mood so he stayed out of your line of sight for a few more minutes. Finally he entered the threshold of the room, "I'm heading out for the day but I won't be out late." You could've ignored him, but Izuku's grubbing hands were grabbing for his daddy. You had been defeated by the toddler. You weren't a monster. You moved toward your now ex-employer so he could tell his son goodbye. Goodbye before he goes off to commit atrocities. Toshi kissed the child’s chubby cheeks without removing him from your arms. He was too close for comfort. You took an awkward half step back before his huge hand caught your hair. With a tug, your chin jutted forward and he pressed his lips to yours. "Zuku, keep an eye on mommy," Chuckling as he stepped out the front door. Your mind was fuzzy for a moment before looked down at the boy on your hip who was giggling and clapping his hands together. --- The jovial villain was focused at work. He was on edge, quiet and irritable. Eager to return home and help you with his son. All Might wasn't delusional — well at least not entirely. He anticipated that this would be a rough time for you, but you were a good girl, you would adjust.

When he placed that ad to scout for someone to watch Izuku he didn't plan for this. But you were so perfect. He ached for you in a way he never hurt before. Had you been anyone else he would've killed you when you found out his villainous ways. But no, he could never bring himself to harm you. God, you even took the news in stride. Yeah, you weren't thrilled and may have walked out of their lives if he hadn't stopped you; but you weren't trashing his house or treating Izuku any differently.

And you were so pretty underneath him, whimpering while you took his length, your nails digging into the man's shoulders when he released into you. You slept like a rock afterwards, rolling unconsciously into him. Your body sought his comfort, knowing you were safe with him. He just needed to give you time to adjust.

--- It didn't take long for you to stop leaving the room any time he entered. And soon you were back to your normal routine of caring for the child and keeping up with the house. You resumed playing around with Izuku and began reading a ton of books to the boy. You told Toshi that Izuku could even pick which books he wanted you to read. It was nice that you were talking to him again, sometimes making jabs at his life choices and always kept a distance between yourself and him. Izuku was becoming quite the talker, well the babbler because he hasn't said his first word yet. He was figuring it out though. He knew he could say 'Ap-ap' for apple or to get picked up. You were sure he would say his first word any day. --- The three of you were in the living room when it happened. Izuku was watching some baby show, the first "lesson" was colors and the little one did his best to make nonsensical noises. The next subject was family members. Siblings, sister, brother. Parents. Mom, mommy, mama. Dad, daddy, papa. Grandma, grandpa. Aunt, auntie. Uncle. Over and over again until the show was done. Toshi looked at the izuku who was wearing the face of a thinker. He looked at his dad, the little one was trying to get something of importance out. You both cheered for him once he finally got out the word "papa." It was cute to see the man beam with pride, even though he was a villain. The butterflies were breaking out of their cocoons again. --- Toshi didn't get much alone time with his son and he liked it that way. That meant you were with them. But when he did get time with son he worked on teaching the boy that you were the mommy. Mama. And Izuku would try to repeat but hadn’t quite got it. --- You were struggling to maintain your composure in between watching the news and cooking dinner. All Might was robbing a bank. There were hostages. You recognized the location immediately as a bank you passed almost daily before working for Toshinori. Did you know anyone inside? A small part of you worried for the man, probably because you were thinking of him as Izuku's father rather than a villain. You shut the TV off when you heard Izuku start to wake from his nap.

That night you couldn't help but notice a slice on his arm; it was superficial, not even bleeding but enough to draw out the question: Why do you do it? It's easy, he shrugged. All Might never initiated an attack unprovoked nor directed his actions towards helpless civilians. He stole, dabbled in the black market, and made sure everyone knew not to mess with him or anyone in his circle.

You just couldn't understand. When Zuku gets older he will ask questions. All little boys idolize their dads. What if someone tried to hurt the boy? 

The two of you were whisper yelling with each other. You more so than Toshi but he was still running low on patience; it had been a long day, after all. Izuku was picking up on the changing atmosphere, watching you both through furrowed brows, the quiver in his lip worsening. You stopped when you heard the whimpering begin. He was a sensitive child. Maybe you just needed to sleep. Toshi picked up the baby, bouncing Zuku in the way that always prevented tantrums and wails. He kept babbling and you could tell he was doing his best not to cry. You started to head towards your room when a cry broke out for 'mama.' This time it wasn't Toshi “putting you in your place”. This time it was Izuku.

"It's okay, Zuzu," Toshi soothed. "Mommy just needs a minute."

The crushing realization of just how trapped you were knocked the wind out of you. You couldn't leave the house. Toshi was always being too kind and patient. Somehow he managed to teach Izuku that you were his mommy. The most infamous villain had ensnared you and no matter what he wasn’t letting go. You would never be able to convince him to leave you alone and you'd never be able to leave Izuku.

You were tired of stubbornly holding out. Pathetic tears cascaded down your face, gentle and oddly relieving. Izuku practically leapt into your arms. The tot clung to you and his crying calmed down. you turned away, not able to look at the man.

"Are you going to think the worst of me forever?" Toshinori whispered. Maybe? Probably not. It was hard to tell. You didn't want to.

He continued, "I'm a good father, I would never let anyone hurt Izuku. Or you. Sure I don't have a lot of redeeming qualities but there are some."

You were tired of being stuck inside. It wasn't good for Izuku either. You wouldn't admit it but you weren't so sure you would abandon them even if given the chance. You were tired of trying to hate the man behind you. Tired of pretending you didn't fantasize about that night when you were alone in bed. Toshi moved right behind you and you relaxed against his huge chest. He was surprised and hesitant to move in case he frightened you to your senses. He couldn't just stand there though, that would be weird. Two thick arms wrapped around waist. "Tomorrow I wanna take Izuku to the park," You whispered. Toshi was equally defeated.

"Okay."

---

After putting Izuku to bed you made your way down the hall. The shower in Toshinori's bathroom was running. That was fine. You needed a moment to collect your thoughts. If this was going to work without you feeling like a hostage he was going to have to be open to loosing the reigns. 

He was surprised to see you in his room when he exited the bathroom in nothing more than a pair of sweatpants. 

"More fighting?" He cocked an eyebrow. 

You shook your head, "I hate All Might, just as much as I hate every other villain. But when you come home I don't see All Might, I just see Toshinori, Izuku's dad. That's the man I care about and no matter how much I fight it I can't stop caring."

It was hard to keep eye contact with him but you continued, "I want to be with you and Izuku, not with All Might. And I want to be here on my own accord. I want to be able to go out with Izuku and with you. Can't we just try that?" 

You didn't come in here to berate him again? Or to demand to leave? His heart softened as he realized that the person he wanted, wanted him back. You were willing to remain in their lives. 

"I can try that." 

Toshi trained his eyes on your body, fighting every instinct to close the space between. But you moved first, gingerly placing your hand on his shoulder to steady yourself as you straddled his lap.

"Can I sleep in here tonight? I want you to hold me," You whispered.

He nodded and rested his forehead against the crook of your neck. "Is that all you want from me tonight?"

[sammy-is-not-smiley]

Curly Girl

Steve Harrington x fem!reader

S4 SPOILER FREE

Summary: Steve sees you with your hair down for the first time and insists you have curly hair... and that he should style it for you.

Word count: 2.2k

Warnings/tags: Some skin to skin contact, but this is all super fluff.

A/N: I diffused my curls the other night and got this idea when I realized I was out of hair spray lol haven't posted my fanfics before but I figured I should start. Thanks for reading ❤️

No matter if it was hot or cold out, you always found a way to wear your hair up…. Except today you were about to compromise. The day was especially frigid and just breezy enough to freeze your ears to the point they hurt. To add to it the sun wasn't even out AND you forgot your scarf. A shiver struck down your spine, violent enough to catch Steve's attention next to you as he walked you home from work.

He sighed, dejected, and began stripping his jacket off. "Look I told you, just take my coat-"

"I don't need the coat, Steve," You insisted as you attempted to stuff your neck into your own jacket. It didn't work, the jacket barely had any collar to snuggle into and no hood. "I need a scarf…. Or a hat."

"Damn, I knew I should've driven today," He muttered.

"But I like walking with you."

Steve shook his head, a knowing smile on his face. "You're miserable."

"I was late, okay? I know exactly where my scarf is at home too. Besides, I can manage." You replied. Another breeze bit at your face and made you wince. Everything seemingly against you, you gave in and reached up to take out the neat bun resting at the back of your head. Funnily enough, getting the bun just right was what had made you late that morning. 

You used your finger tips to loosen your roots and let your hair fall down over your ears. You could tell just by feeling it that it had gone frizzy again, the dry winter air definitely not helping matters. To try and retain some heat you pressed your hair to your ears with your palms. 

Steve gazed over at you and realized your hair was longer than he had initially thought. "I don't think I've ever seen you with it down." You heard him say, muffled slightly by your hands.

You turned slightly and looked at him. "Well mom won't let me cut it and it's always frizzy anyway. Trust me, I wouldn't have it down right now if my ears didn't feel like they were about to fall off," You chuckled, beginning to get self conscious as you pet it down a bit. 

"It's probably because you have curly hair," He replied without missing a beat. 

You pointed a baffled expression at him. "Huh?"

"The frizz," he gestured towards his own hair, "It's probably because your hair is curly."

You laughed sardonically. "Steve, I don't have curly hair, it's just damaged."

"What do you mean, I see it trying to curl right here," He argued as he reached over and tugged at a piece of your hair in the back. "And here," He tugged another. 

You batted his hand away half heartedly. "Shut up, no it's not." You replied with a smile, however there was a tinge of seriousness behind it. You hadn't had curly hair a day in your life, just frizz and troubles. The fact that your mother never commented on it either sealed your conviction as well. 

Steve's face lit up suddenly and he sped up to be slightly in front of you as you two walked. "I can prove it!" He exclaimed with a goofy grin and a sparkle in his eye. "Let me do your hair."

Your head swerved back in surprise. "Do my hair?" 

"Yeah! I'm like 99.999% positive you have curly hair just waiting to bounce up and frame that face of yours." 

You gave him a skeptical look. "Yeah right." 

"Listen-" He shuffled in front of you, making you both stop on the sidewalk, "I’m so positive we can just make it a bet." 

You smirked and crossed your arms, leaning over on one leg. You liked the sound of that, now it was a game. "Alright, fine. You lose and you have to…” You pondered for a moment, trying to think of something you would pay to see. Then it comes to you. “You have to run around your block in nothing but your underwear.” A little dumb, but it was on the spot. Plus it was something you would find hilarious... and you also wouldn’t mind admiring the sight of him doing that from afar. 

Steve rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips. “Seriously?”

You nodded once. “And you have to jump in the pool after.”

He put his hands up, stopping you from adding anything else. “Okay, sure, sure,” His eyes were wide and he shook his head exasperated. Now you really hoped he couldn’t make your hair curl naturally. “But if you lose,” He continued and pointed a finger in your face. “You have to go on at least one date with me.”

You raise a brow at him incredulously. This wasn’t the first time he’s asked you this. The amount of times you’ve rejected him could fill up a notebook as this point. It wasn’t because you didn’t like him or weren’t attracted to him though, quite the opposite in fact. But you had told him before and you would tell him again: You don’t want a relationship to ruin the friendship. You didn’t want to take any chances when it came to possibly losing him. The scar on your arm from battling demo-dogs with him was evidence of that. 

But if you lost… a single date couldn’t hurt. It was only one, right?

He held your gaze while you thought it over. “What’d’ya say?” He asked like you both had nothing to lose.

You pulled your fingers down along your frizzy hair, which was growing worse by the second. There’s no way you had curly hair. 

“You’re insufferable, Harrington…. Deal.”

__________

The water felt magical on your face and ears as it cascaded down, covering you in a blanket of calm and warmth. You could finally feel your ears again and the weight of the grime from work was finally off your shoulders.

“Hey,” A voice from the door drifted through the steam to you, “Be sure that when you get out you don’t use the towel to dry your hair, just leave it dripping wet.”

“Okay,” You called back. 

“And remember to let that conditioner sit in your hair for a while.”

“I know.”

“Oh and brushing it out while you’re in the shower with the conditioner on is better-”

“Steve, I know!” You laughed. He already gave you this run down before you got in his shower. “You’re a control freak, you know that?”

“The process is important!” He whined back at you. “If you mess up the process your side of the bet is null and void and I win by default!” 

You rolled your eyes but couldn’t fight a smile from spreading across your face. You turned, putting down the comb and rinsed out the conditioner Steve had gotten for you. Running your hands through it you noticed a foreign smoothness in the texture. Your fingers glided through the strands more easily, but you couldn’t tell if that was from the brushing you just did or the conditioner. 

Finally satisfied with the time spent warming up and treating your hair, you got out of the shower, dried, and began to put on your clean clothes. You weren’t about to put on your work outfit back on until you absolutely had to, so when you had gotten home earlier you grabbed a new set and went to the store with Steve for the conditioner.  

Once dressed, you opened the door and felt a blast of fresh, cool air hit your face. Your new shirt was already soaked at the shoulders considering you hadn’t yet tried to dry your hair yet, per Steve’s instruction. 

“Alright, dingus, I’m ready.” 

Immediately Steve appeared in the doorway. “About time! The whole town’s probably out of hot water ‘cause of you,” He muttered, but the glee clearly written on his face told you he was genuinely excited to work his magic. 

After wiping down the mirror from condensation, he grabbed hold of your wet shoulders and turned you away from the mirror. “You’re not allowed to look till I’m done.”

You scoffed “And what if I do?”

“Null and void,” He he sang into your ear with a cheeky grin. “Now flip your hair forward so your hair is hanging down.”

You did so, happy to get it off your soaked shoulders. You had no idea what he was doing and you could have sworn he was using one of his t-shirts to dry your hair, but you said nothing. At this point he was going through so much trouble that you wanted it to both succeed and fail. 

Mousse squelched into his palm and you could hear it sizzle as he worked it into your hair, getting a dab of it almost inside your ear. You had pulled away and suppressed a laugh when his working hands got too close to your neck to wipe it away. 

“Hold still, giggles,” He said in a playful tone, however when you glanced over at him his face gave off full concentration. 

Eventually, after he was done making you flip your head every which way under the sun, he wiped his hands on your used towel, then bent down and grabbed the hair dryer from under the sink. He then began to attach another object to the nozzle. 

“The hell is that thing?”

He plugged the cord into the wall. “It’s a diffuser, now shush,” he replied, switching on the dryer. 

Over the course of 30 minutes he repeated the same movement over and over. Not once did you try to peak at your hair, even in your peripheral. If this worked, you wanted it to be a surprise. You could feel your stomach jump every time you felt him gently adjust your head angle or ran his hand up your bare neck. He was in such close proximity you caught a whiff of his cologne every so often. He was so close to you you began to just want to lean against him.

“Steve, my feet hurt,” You griped over the whir of the dryer, trying to ignore your thoughts.

“Almost done, I swear!” He responded. 

A couple more minutes and you heard the dryer turn off, leaving an empty space in your ears replaced by the sound of an aerosol can spraying. Another smile fought its way onto you’re face. 

Farrah Fawcett. 

You knew the smell, your mother used it almost religiously. Only recently did you learn that Steve did too. 

After some fluffing and a coughing fit from the both of you, you finally heard the can clink down on the counter. Steve rounded in front of you and began adjusting the top and sides framing your face. He delicately grasped your chin and turned your head as he adjusted your bangs. The brush of his fingers made your skin tingle, and when he let go it felt cold.

When he was finally content with his work, he grinned widely and grabbed your shoulders once more. “You ready to see?” His voice was dripping with excitement, he looked like he was about to burst at the seams. 

With a smile and nod from you, he whipped you around to the mirror. You froze. 

“What the….”

Shock. Utter and genuine shock. 

“What do you think? It’s good, right? Well I mean good enough, I’ve only ever done mine and Dust’s hair and- and you have a lot more than I’ve ever worked with but uh….” He shrugged. “It’s hot.”

Your hand came up and began to feel at the fluff draped over your shoulders. How did he manage to get rid of so much frizz? And since when did your hair decide to be curly?

“This is insane!” You finally burst, bouncing up and down on your tip toes in happiness. “There’s so much volume and my face even looks slimmer- and look! A perfect noodle curl right here!” You pulled a strand down and watched it bounce back up when you let it go. 

He beamed at you in the mirror, pride overlapping his features. “Yep, looks like you’re a curly girl now... And you know what?” He leaned in closer. “I told you so.”

It took a moment to register what he said while you admired your hair, but once you did you went stiff. . 

His knowing smirk reflected back at you when you glanced at him in the mirror. 

With a sigh of defeat, you turn to look at him face to face. “Alright, fine… you win-”

“What was that?” He cupped his ear at you obnoxiously. 

You crossed your arms. “I said you win, Harrington.”

“One more time?” 

“Are you waiting for a ‘null and void’ of your own? ‘Cause you’re pushin’ it.” 

He put his hands up in surrender and he mocked by bowing his head. “Oh dear, my apologies, your highness.”

Shaking your head in annoyance, you turned back to the mirror for one last bout of admiration. 

“Well, if you’re going to take me out, you better do it tonight. Lord knows I’m not getting it like this again on my own.” You imparted with a fluff of your locks. “But only one date, that was the deal.”

“No, no, I said at least one date. Very open ended statement, completely different-”

You rolled your eyes and grabbed the hair dryer, blasting it in his face for a moment. He jerked back, resting his hand on it to press it down. “Pushing it,” You warned. 

He leaned into your personal space. “Well can we at least push it to a diner? I’m hungry and I have my word to live up to.”

--------

Request Here!

[thepremedthatwrites]

Things Have Changed

request: Can you plsss do a Peter x reader relationship where the reader is a family friend and Peter has always had a crush on her and idk ends up admitting it to her at night or something and things get very heated like smutty or whatever.

Did I decide to edit this a day early because I'm procrastinating my school work? Perhaps. But anyways, I hope you all like this fic!

warning: smut below the cut

I could feel the beginning of sweat start to drip down the side of my face as I squinted my eyes trying to see the others in the water. The sand was at the border of being too hot to stand on in bare feet, causing me to walk closer to the water where the cold ocean had cooled the ground. “C’mon (y/n)!” Lucy shouted over the sound of the waves crashing into the shore. “The water isn’t even that cold!”

This was a lie and we both knew it. The icy water brushed the tip of my toes as I held back a shudder. At least the water would help me cool off from the unforgiving sun. As I stood contemplating what to do, I felt a hand graze my back. I turned to see Peter walking by me, a grin on his face. “Too scared to run in, (y/n)?” he asked. That was enough to kick me into action as I started to follow him into the water.

“Of course not,” I replied, holding back the instinct to let out a gasp as the cold water wrapped itself around my stomach. Both of our parents stayed by the towels and umbrellas, leaving the ocean to their children as they drank and talked about whatever it is that adults talked about. The blue house that our families had rented stood tall and proud behind our parents, overlooking the beach and whatever sat beyond what reaches of the ocean we could see.

Peter and I came to a halt as we reached where Lucy and Edmund were. “Where’s Susan?” Ed asked as Peter dunked his head under the water.

“I believe she said she was taking a nap,” I replied as Peter’s head reappeared from the dark water. His blond hair was now pressed against his forehead and had become a few shades darker from the weight of the water.

“Watch out! Big wave!” Lucy just managed to shout out the words before my vision was painted white as the wave crashed down on us. I lost control of my body as I let the current drag me around like a rag doll until I felt myself crash into something solid. At first, I thought it was a rock before I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around my chest.

“Don’t worry, I got you.” I heard Peter say as my head broke the surface. I gulped in a deep breath of air, the oxygen reaching my lungs as I wiped the salt water out of my burning eyes.

“Thanks,” I managed as the taste of salt water danced down my throat.

“I think some of the water went up my nose.” I heard Edmund say while Lucy was pushing her hair that had been plastered in front of her eyes out of her face. I turned my head to look at Peter whose arms were still around me. The sudden realization of the situation finally dawned on me and I felt my face warm at the close proximity. Suddenly his arms felt like iron chains around me and I couldn’t ignore the feeling of their weight on me. Peter seemed to have also become aware of the sensation of our bodies pressed against each other as he slowly removed his arms from me.

“Sorry,” he said softly, his face now also a light shade of pink.

“Yeah, no worries,” I said quickly. I was suddenly thankful for the large wave coming our way as I turned to face it, focusing my thoughts on not being drowned by the rushing water.

“I almost drowned!” Lucy exclaimed as we all sat around the dinner table. It had been my mom’s turn to cook dinner and so she had made us all steak. I started to cut into the meat as Lucy told Susan all about our adventures in the water. Peter and I had become a bit more quiet since the incident in the ocean. I felt myself stealing glances at him every now and then. Sometimes he had already been looking at me too.

“I’m so happy you guys decided to join us here in the states.” I heard my mom say to the Pevensies’ parents. “I feel like we haven’t seen each other since we moved to America.”

“I know, it seems the kids are having a lot of fun hanging out again,” Mrs. Pevensie replied. I turned back to the conversation but could feel the burning glances Peter occasionally threw at me throughout dinner. I was thankful when dinner was over, trying to wash the dishes as quickly as possible and avoiding being near Peter as much as the confines of the kitchen allowed. The parents had disappeared, most likely to the balcony that overlooked the water to drink some more and catch up on what they had missed in the past five years. As soon as the dishes were done, I excused myself blaming my exhaustion on the sun and went to my room.

I was surprised when I woke up to a dark room. I had expected myself to be unable to sleep and instead toss and turn until the rest of the lights went out in the house. I got up from my bed, checking my phone to see it was around three in the morning. My stomach growled as I turned on my lights. It seems that pushing the food around your plate does little to actually satisfy your hunger. I paused at my mirror before leaving. I brushed out my hair and checked to see that the pajamas I wore were acceptable to be seen by the public. I wasn’t sure if I would run into Peter, he was most likely still asleep, but I wanted to play it safe. I wasn’t sure why I was so concerned about my appearance around him. When we were younger, before my family moved to America, I could have cared less about what he thought of my appearance. But then again, we had been younger then. Five years younger to be exact. We had grown since then. His shoulders had broadened and he had become taller. My body had developed curves where it used to be straight and I had finally grown into myself. We weren’t how we were back in the UK. We were older and more mature.

I shook the thoughts from my mind and opened the door to my room. I walked as quietly as I could past my parents’ room and then past all of the Pevensies’ rooms before reaching the stairs that led to the living area that held the kitchen. I opened the fridge as my stomach automatically growled at the sight of all the food. The best part of being on vacation was the fact that the fridge was always filled with leftovers from dinner. I settled on some of the mac and cheese, spooning some into a bowl before putting it into the microwave. I stood patiently as the whir of the microwave filled the silence that had settled into the room.

“What are you doing up?” I jumped at the voice before turning to see Peter standing by the entrance of the kitchen.

“I was hungry,” I said while pointing my head to the microwave. He walked over to me and I was suddenly thankful I had spent the extra time on my appearance before leaving my room. He wore only a pair of grey sweatpants. I couldn’t help myself and let my eyes wander his exposed abs. He definitely did not have those five years ago.

“I missed seeing you,” he said, causing my eyes to jump from his abs to his ocean blue eyes which I could easily drown in if I weren’t careful.

“Me too,” I replied, my voice much softer than I expected it to be. I cleared my throat before speaking again. “I missed having someone I could annoy like an older brother.” Peter’s face scrunched as he shook his head.

“Please don’t call me an older brother. That’s weird.” I raised an eyebrow at this, my heart racing. All this time I had thought he saw me as another little sister. But if that wasn’t the case, what did he see me as?

“And why is that?” I questioned. Peter’s face seemed to have reddened. I wasn’t sure if it had already been red from the sun and I just hadn’t noticed or if he was blushing. Before he could answer the microwave went off causing me to jump. Peter opened the door, taking the bowl out as steam rose from the food.

He set the bowl down on the counter before turning back to me. His eyes seemed to be studying me. I subconsciously bit my bottom lip in anticipation. I watched as his eyes followed the movement. “You’ve grown a lot since I last saw you,” he finally said.

“And so have you.”

“The thoughts I have about you…” Peter started as he walked closer to me, stopping so that we were almost pressed against each other. “They are not thoughts a brother has about his sister.” He leaned down towards my ear, his hot breath brushing the bare skin behind my ear and sending a shiver down my spine. “That is why it’s weird for you to call me an older brother.” My face must have been the color of a lobster at this point, and I was no longer afflicted with hunger. Instead, lust coursed through my veins. He paused for a moment as if in thought before pressing his lips on the same skin his breath had just caressed. I let out a soft sigh allowing my hand to grasp onto his strong bicep. My other hand had crept around to his stomach, tracing the abs I had just moments before been admiring. He moved his lips, kissing down my neck as I moved my head back to give him more access.

His hands wrapped around my waist before he lifted me into the air. I let out a gasp in surprise before my ass met the cool counter. His eyes looked me up and down, filled with lust and desire. “Has anyone told you how beautiful you are?” he asked. His hands were by my hips as his thumb traced shapes on my thighs. I found myself blushing at his words. Many people had called me beautiful before but the way he spoke it was the same way people sing praises to the gods they worship. He stepped towards me and I opened my legs for him so that he was as close as physically possible.

He stopped for a moment, his eyes meeting mine. They seemed to be saying all the things that had been left unsaid since we had reunited. You’re different. I’m different. These emotions are different. I love you. I wrapped my legs around him, forcing him closer (something I had not thought possible). His hands moved so that they were on either side of me, resting on the counter. My own hands were on his shoulders. I moved one so that it caressed his face. My mac and cheese sat patiently on the counter next to us, expecting to be eaten soon. I had a feeling the bowl would be staying there until the morning. Peter brought his face closer to mine. He paused for a moment, his eyes moving from my lips to my eyes. I gave a slight nod. Then, he kissed me.

We kissed and suddenly I understood what the authors of the romance books I used to read were writing about. He was like a drug. With each touch I needed more. With each kiss I craved just one more moment of the taste of his lips. My hands traveled to his hair as we continued to kiss. His hands wandered my back, traveling beneath the fabric of my t-shirt. I didn’t want to pull away. I wanted to stay like this for eternity. On the other hand, I wanted more. I wanted to connect us even more. I wanted him to fuck me.

I pulled back just long enough for my shirt to be discarded. Then I immediately reconnected our lips. I kissed him hungrily, as if those few seconds apart had left me famished. His hands slipped between us, holding my breasts. A small shudder went down my spine as his thumbs brushed my nipples. His hands continuously moved, as if they weren’t sure what to do with all the newly exposed skin. He squeezed my breasts before letting his hands travel down my stomach, gripping my waist harshly as we continued to kiss.

I could feel a growing wetness between my legs. The feeling of something hard being pushed against my inner thigh informed me Peter was just as turned on. He disconnected our lips, tasting my chin and then neck and then collar bone until he reached my tits. I attempted to catch my breath as his tongue flicked across my nipple. I let out a soft gasp as my back arched in pleasure. He started to suck on my tits, making sure to show great care and attention to both of them. His grip on my waist tightened and I was sure there would be a slight bruise in the morning. I couldn’t bring myself to care at the moment as that slight pain was the only thing keeping me grounded as pure pleasure pulsed throughout my body as Peter continued to kiss and suck and bite on the sensitive areas.

He stopped abruptly, standing upright and looking me directly in the eye. His erection that had been increasing in size and hardness was now protruding from his pants and pressing into the soft skin of my thigh. “When I was younger, I had always felt an attraction to you, (y/n),” he said. His voice was lower than usual and he seemed to be slightly out of breath as he spoke. “I never knew whether it was a friendly attraction or something stronger than that. But the moment I saw you for the first time in five years, I knew the feelings I felt for you...it wasn’t something most people feel. It was something so strong it took everything in me to not fall to my knees in defeat. In a happy defeat where I surrendered my heart to you.” I felt as if my heart was going to burst from my chest as I listened. “My body burns with desire for you (y/n). Please. Let me show you how you make me feel. Let me love you.”

I licked my lips, suddenly aware of how dry my mouth felt. I took a deep breath, hoping some of the fresh night air would clear my lust-clouded mind for a moment. “Yes,” I said. “Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes a million times.” I could feel a large grin growing on my face and Peter was wearing a matching one. He grabbed my face in his hands before bringing us together for a kiss. It didn’t take long for the kiss to deepen as his hands left my face and traveled down my bare top before playing with the band of my shorts. I inched towards the edge of the counter before sliding off, our lips parting for a moment as my feet hit the ground before immediately reuniting.

He roughly pulled down my shorts and panties in one motion, letting the clothes hit the ground. I followed suit, pulling down his sweatpants and boxers. We parted for a moment, the moonlight shining through the window that sat over the sink allowing enough light so that I could see the true length of him. I had only a few moments to admire him, the thickness of his cock was sure to stretch me out deliciously, before he turned me around. I bent over the counter, the cool stone pressing against my naked skin. His hands gripped my hips to hold me in place before he pushed into me.

I let out a loud moan, causing him to put a hand over my mouth. He stayed in place, leaning over so that his mouth was next to my ear. “We have to be quiet. Unless you want both our families to see what we’re doing.” I nodded in understandance as he stood up straight again. He started by moving slowly. He pulled out halfway before pushing in all the way to the base. I felt my pussy flutter around him. He continued this slow rhythm for a while, testing out the water while stretching me out to fit him completely.

Once I felt myself start to adjust he started to go faster. I could feel the edge of the counter dig into my stomach each time my body was thrusted forward. My breasts moved in rhythm with Peter, my weight being supported by my forearms which were propped on top of the counter. His fingers dug into my hips as he fucked me. The kitchen was filled with the sound of skin slapping skin and our muffled moans as we did our best to stay quiet. The smell of sweat and sex hovered in the room. The moon acted as a spotlight for our indecent act. My vision was obstructed by my hair which was now a mess, strands of it sitting in front of my face.

“Peter, please,” I moaned quietly. I could feel myself getting closer, my legs now weaker than before as my arms were the only thing holding me up. Peter sensed this, using his hands that were on my hips to lift me up. I felt my mouth open, but no noise came out as my mind became overtaken with pleasure. I could hear Peter let out a groan as I felt myself collapse around him. I let my head fall forward as I attempted to recover from my orgasm. The pleasure started to become more bearable as Peter continued to fuck me. His thrusts were becoming more desperate. Just as I started to think he couldn’t be any rougher, he pulled out.

“Get on your knees,” he commanded. The way he spoke brought butterflies to my stomach. He spoke much more forcefully than before, his voice laced with lust as he was too concerned with his own release to speak gently to me. I obeyed, opening my mouth for him unprompted. I started moving my head for him, wanting to make him feel just as good as he made me feel. His head fell back as his hip thrusted forward. I fought back the reflex to gag as his cock buried itself deep within my throat. His hand pushed on the back of my head, keeping me in place as I felt the beginning spurt of a warm and bitter liquid shooting down my throat. I swallowed all of it greedily, wanting to have as much of Peter as I could.

As the last drop of his cum slid down my throat, he slowly pulled away. I wiped away the small dribble of drool that had fallen down my chin. I looked up at him and he looked down at me, a smile on his face. His hand ran down the side of my head before caressing my face. I slowly got up, my legs still slightly weak. “Wow,” I said, slightly out of breath. Peter let out a soft chuckle before pulling me in for a kiss. We quietly got dressed. Peter grabbed my hand, leading me to his room. Our clothes didn’t stay on for too long as they quickly found their way to his bedroom floor. The night was filled with whispers of confessions of love, hands in hair, and lips pressed on naked skin. The next morning I would wake up, afraid that it had all been a dream before I turned to see Peter’s face on the pillow next to me. Then, a smile matching Peter’s sleepy one would form on my face.