#but having a character get depressed or angry because of pms sounds fun

[tiredgatt0]

I wonder if theres a life simulation game where avatars can get periods

[xopheliasunflowerx]

So my confession, I didn’t want to hold it back so yeet (long as)

This shit is long, it explains my disorder, some personal symptoms and stories and explains the disorder. You probably won’t read it all, I wouldn’t either but that’s me, I tried not to offend anyone and not everyone does the same thing! Please be respectful if you have a problem PM me

So I have ADHD, and it’s hard to live with. ADHD stands for Attention-Decfict/Hyperactivity Disorder, it’s an attention difficulty with hyperactivity and impulsiveness. ADHD is a ‘neurodevelopmental’ disorder, meaning it’s the brain function. The symptoms can be different in everyone but I’ll name the common ones (I’ll also explain my personal symptoms too)

The Behaviour side: aggression, excitability, fidgeting, hyperactivity, impulsivity, irritability, lack of restraint, repetitive or words/actions.

Cognitive side (memory): absent-mindedness, trouble focusing, forgetfulness, problem paying attention, short attention span.

Mood: anger, anxiety, boredom, excitement and mood swings

It’s also common to have a learning disability with it (which I do) meaning you have to explain things more clearly than already. And depression, meaning you can have depression without having a reason, or you just over think the negatives and think it’s true. As I am diagnosed with ADHD I can easily be depressed just by a simple thing really, for you it may sound dumb but it’s true. I wouldn’t call us ‘attention seekers’ but we sort of are I guess as I want attention but not in a way that we want it. I don’t really know how to explain it but we want attention but we draw attention to ourselves and create a huge mess, well I’m not sure with others but I do.

So these are some of the symptoms explained and some of my personal ones.

You can be distracted easily and absent-minded, which I do. And it’s hard because I have to learn stuff but sometimes it doesn’t make sense and I always ask to be explained to me again and they get frustrated when I don’t get it which is explainable but it makes me feel really upset about it. Like for example I’ll play a game, I had difficulty with Batman: Arkham Knight Riddler race tracks, there was one where you had to glide to click a button but I never understood how. I would get angry and frustrated then finally give up. I did eventually did it and now it’s easy but even the simple things can be difficult to do. I can’t pronounce some words (mainly because something caused that which I won’t explain) and it’s very hard. Math is hard, as it can be for others but I could never do it I would have teachers and students explain to me but I’ll be there like what? I had a tough time with my 3 time tables back in year 5 (fifth grade) and now I’m 18 and I just learnt them (simply because of work) and I’m pretty proud.

I have difficulty in focusing on what needs to be done like writing for an example, I read that people with ADHD can be into something like obsessed then only focus on that (which is me writing for certain people) then we suddenly get bored of it and move on to something else. I get bored very easily that’s why I don’t write as much because I’m bored of writing the same character with some what similar scenarios that’s why I’ve been less writing. It sucks, because I really do wanna write but I can’t be bothered to do or so. Also it can be very hard on focusing on something else rather than the task at hand, we would get distracted by anything, a window, door, pen anything. So I would leave my task unfinished because I have no interest in finishing (a lot of imagines are unfinished because I just can’t be bothered to finish them) and when I do finish they are rushed and unorganised (as having ADHD we are very unorganised and messy my room for an example is a mess).

We would also avoid task that we don’t want to do, like a simple chore or homework. I never did my homework never I never studied either like I never knew how to study and it just bored me, and I would get distracted easily. I would get distracted by the colours of my highlighters and just draw instead. You might be wondering how did you not get a detention? You’re probably not but I’ll tell you anyway, I would say I forgot it or I would never go to detention and I would always hide.

I happen to forget a lot, it’s terrible really I also happen to lose things very easily. So when I mis place something I get frustrated easily because I remember putting something somewhere else. Like example, when painting I happen to put my rubber (eraser) somewhere say it’s next to me for an example then when I’m looking for it I can’t find it and I get annoyed. Then I find it and I go back to what I’m doing. That happens A LOT! I did it last night with lip cream I put it on my bed and I went for a shower then suddenly it’s gone, I can’t remember where I put it. Memory isn’t my friend. It’s hard having a memory of a literal gold-fish because we need to remember stuff especially if it involves something important or family/friends, like I keep forgetting how old my parents are and when my dad’s birthday is which is terrible.

I happen to fidget a lot, it’s annoying for most people but it’s something for me to be distracted by. No fidget spinners are not something I fidget with, they’re not right for me anyway. I usually fidget with my hair (I twirl my fingers with it) a pen or I drum my fingers against something. People mistake that I’m nervous when really I’m not, I even got threaten by my teacher that she’ll cut my hair if I continued twirling my hair (which I actually don’t remember that). But you can tell when someone with ADHD is nervous, reading facial expressions and if they’re shaking like if they’re playing with their fingers watch carefully are they shaking, sweaty, also if it’s sort of faster than usual. I would drum my fingers against my thighs in a fast pace when I’m nervous. Also usual symptoms for nervousness, lip biting, no eye contact, looking around the room, is common too (well as I do it). I was having a very bad anxiety when I saw well... I wouldn’t call him my boyfriend because we’re not dating so uh significant other maybe coming into my friends car as we were picking him up. I was nervous as hell, because well I didn’t shower, didn’t brush my hair or teeth (because I was sleeping over at a friends house unexpectedly) and I usually get nervous around him. I tapped my fingers against my thighs to calm myself, I looked around then stared at the window. He then grabbed my hand and squeezed it to comfort me, I then played with his fingers to distract myself once again.

Now this one really pisses people off, I repeat what I say only because I don’t remember telling people before. I would tell a story to a friend and then they’ll say yeah you already told me that. I get all awkward and embarrassed about it feeling super dumb for repeating it, I only recently found out that’s a symptom for having ADHD and I’m actually surprised because I thought it was just me. But I understand that it’s clearly annoying for others to hear the same thing over and over again. I don’t mean to repeat myself, and I feel so dumb when I do but my memory just likes to leave a lot. Forgetfulness is horrible when you’re in a relationship too, like I told him (significant other) my middle name and I never knew I did until I actually found the messages and I told him again like three weeks after I felt really stupid, but he didn’t say anything and he just stared at me weirdly.

So being ADHD is a mess, we can’t organise for shit. I probably already explained this but there’s a symptom of me having ADHD. I would be ready and organised for writing then suddenly it turns out something way worse than I imagined it to be which is why I take SOOOOO LONG writing. I have some friends with OCD and I find it hilarious just to annoy the shit outta them, they won’t come to my house anymore because of my room. So when I find out someone has OCD I’m a bully to them, but I only move things around imperfectly and then I stop for awhile then I do it again. I only do it for fun not just to be mean, they get back at me in their own ways. Like a guy at work who is 6’3 teases me about my height 5’2 which I don’t really care, because i then pull out the mustard packet and put it into the ketchup packets which annoys him, he gets me back by saying how forgetful I am.

So when talking to me in person is a difficult task, I would see your lips move but I won’t hear anything as I just space out, I try to pay attention but I just can’t. I would ask them to repeat it for me and then I would listen sometimes. This is annoying to me and everyone, someone would ask me to grab something and I would ask them to repeat themselves like three times until I finally understood what they wanted. Happened yesterday someone wanted pancake lids but I heard pancakes so I thought they wanted me to wrap them up or get more until he told me again which I felt so stupid about it and I finally got them. I apologised but they’re already frustrated with me and customers so yeah. It’s hard, it’s not a hearing thing we just zone out. We try to listen we do, it’s not our fault. It’s harder in relationships but I don’t think I’ve been in a longer relationship to experience that, I also don’t tell them my disorder until i’m comfortable or I need to.

So about that forgetfulness, we also forget to do stuff daily. I forget to eat because I’d be so distracted in something my hunger just jumps out the window. And recently it’s been happening a lot and it’s been worrying some of my close friends and my significant other. But I do feed myself, sometimes it’s motivation to get up and eat and I don’t cook so that’s another reason I don’t eat much. I sound stubborn but it’s true, I do eventually eat when I remember and I eat then I forget later. I don’t have a eating disorder it’s just remembering to eat as we’re distracted. Also I don’t know if this happens to other people with ADHD but when I’m off medication I usually eat a lot and when I’m on it I rarely eat (but I eat). That happened when I was younger now I either eat or don’t when I’m off medication.

Lack of sleep is a big one, I thought I had insomnia but I found it it’s just my ADHD again, there’s no surprise there. Reason we rarely sleep because of that hyper is still kicked in, for me it gets worse at night as I tend to be more active and hyper at night. The mind keeps going as we’re trying to sleep and random thoughts like to come up so we’re always on the internet searching the most random things. So we’re lucky to have five hours of sleep, the most. I did have sleeping medication but they would usually take awhile to kick in and I just barely took them because there’s no point. They would knock out anyone else as my mum took them but they would just work on me.

We would talk more than usual, yes that’s a thing. We talk a lot, we can also change the subject randomly without a warning. So saying we’re talking about dogs then suddenly we change the subject to how does ovens work. We also interrupt others when speaking but we don’t mean to, I would immediately apologise for the intrusion and then go back to being quiet. We can be quiet at points, which could scare some people but we’re just thinking or being distracted by a squirrel or something. We talk a lot when we’re excited about something, when I’m obsessed with something I want to talk to someone about it but they don’t as I’ve already spoken to them about it a lot. Having an obsession is hard because you want to talk to someone about it but when you do you don’t want to talk about that obsession anymore. Yes we easily change obsessions a lot, like last year I was obsessed with Gotham and Teen Wolf And Riverdale, I lost interest in Riverdale there was too much and the first season was better in my opinion. I then got into Detroit Become Human and I loved it, then I got into Harry Potter. Now I’m currently into Spider-Man and the Avengers because WHY NOT!

So I’m gonna list some smaller symptoms that you probably didn’t know but meh. So there’s no such thing as sugar rush or having a hyper mode when you have coffee or staying up late because of it, it doesn’t exist. Because we’re already hyper and active that sugar and caffeine doesn’t effect us at all, but we would get a rush on something else mine was Red Doritos, I would get hyper when I ate those, I don’t now which is good. I forgot my other one which sucks I’ll probably edit it later and add it on. AH YES MOODSWINGS, we have bad mood swings. We’ll be happy then the next thing we’re upset. I think it’s because we’re always day dreaming and absent-minded we can think of the negative things which I do a lot. I end up going through a break down thinking of how much I hate myself, no one loves me, my friends are using me. Dreams also doesn’t help, I had a dream where my significant other asked out my friend which hurt me so much, I didn’t confront him about it because he’s in a different country and the service there is terrible and I don’t want to annoy him with my problems. When in a relationship I always doubt them because of my negative thinking, like why are they dating me, are they using me, are they cheating on me, what hurts most is that they’re not yours and you’re questioning if you can trust them. I told him I have ADHD, but I don’t think he knows what it means, which I will be asking when I see him again (as texting could make it worse) and I want to explain to him. I don’t like to talk seriously with him as we’re only seeing each other but I feel like we need to talk about it, and yes I avoid it and he can always tell that there’s something wrong so I do explain it but I feel like we’re not dealing with it permanently. It also doesn’t help that we’re distant, because it makes it worse and my questioning more severe. I feel like I’m taking it too much and drawing attention to myself simply because of that consent worrying and we’re not dating but he has his reasons and I have mine. Now I’m going off topic about ADHD, but that’s what our negative thinking can turn into. With that it’s harder to make friends and fit in, I couldn’t have just one friend, because I get annoyed with one person for awhile and I try to distant myself from them without explaining and I feel guilty afterwards, It sounds horrible yes but we get bored and want to hang around with others. I haven’t done it in a long time which I’m proud but we do want to hang out with others or just to be alone, we want a new adventure. We do appreciate our alone times, as we’re always day dreaming and just need that peace to relax. But yes we get bored easily of it.

The good parts of having ADHD, there are some good parts, we’re very creative as we’re always day dreaming we create ideas and so on. I find it weird because my star sign is Pisces and I find it weird that having ADHD, and as Pisces are extremely creative and I am but they also day dream a lot which I do. I don’t know I found it weird that Pisces and ADHD are some what similar but aren’t. We see things differently, we look at a plan wall and wonder what would it look like if we threw colours or sparkles on it. We make the simple things into art, and it’s actually easier to write in detail as we can just imagine it. Writing isn’t an issue when you have an idea it’s actually really fun, it just motivation to finish it. Some people can’t think when they’re listening to music, well I can I can think clearly with the sound blasting through my ears, I imagine a scenario sometimes with the song, just depends on the song and who with.

So living with ADHD can be difficult in daily life, but is also useful. It sucks yes, but I’m glad I have it I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t say I’m proud of having it but it does help me, well sometimes I guess. I do find the things where I mis place, I do get over my overthinking, and I do eventually remember things. I wish people would do research before judging an ADHD person, we’re not just hyper as everyone thinks we are there’s more to it. If you notice the little things we do you would actually begin to recognise a pattern and connect a dot that those are our symptoms and beware of those in the future. I probably didn’t add a lot of other symptoms but you can research those, I did because I wanted to know. Having ADHD isn’t just an excuse either, it’s a explanation of why we can’t do certain things, I hope some of you understand that. And yes we can be frustrating a lot but take your time with us, we can be patient and if you tell us that we’re making you frustrated and please explain why, we might get angry or upset but that’s us we can’t help it. We will slowly get there, and if we fall we always pick ourselves back up because that’s they way we are taught. I’m sorry for rambling lol just needed to get this off my chest ya know.

[imaginarycircus]

What it’s like to explain that you have ADD to a new psychiatrist...

(this is a long and messy to illustrate my point. you do not have to read this unless maybe you’re stuck in a peat bog waiting for someone to come rescue you. if you are one mobile? I am sorry.)

Because my psychiatrist suddenly quit his practice with no warning and the practice didn’t contact me--I’m scrambling to find new doctors. I have time to do it so it’s not a total disaster so far. But I hate having to break in new psych/medical people. I either feel like I am making stuff up and exaggerating OR I forget important things like, “I have a history of epilepsy and asthma. Did I tell you that? Ooops.”

My mental health and cognitive situation is weird and hard to explain. It just sounds ridiculous. I have inattentive type ADD, sensory processing disorder, some anxiety, and chronic depression. I have a history of ptsd stemming from childhood abuse. So that sounds like too much and I immediately want to distance myself from it and pretend I am totally normal. Look at me. I am a normal. I can totally process what you’re saying despite that weird humming sound of some electronic device or those overhead lights. No. I wasn’t just randomly making sounds or humming while trying to think. I totally did NOT just swap all the letters or syllables around in what you said or what I wrote to make new words and phrases. And I am not laughing at them at all because then I’d have to explain that I am giggling about words turning into other words and I’m sorry were we having a conversation?

If you’ve been hanging out here a while you’ve seen what happens in my tags. I’ve tried to explain before. That is literally what it is like in my brain all the time: Here’s three thoughts. You can finish two. The third will lead you on a meandering path and hopefully you won’t stumble into that fen and drown. Those peat bogs are deadly from what I hear. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I need to spend an hour reading about how to make it through a peat bog so I don’t drown.

lol do you think I am kidding?

So. To make a long story as long as I could possibly ever make it--I called the new psychiatrist and they want to interview me about my ADD. I am totally fine with that because ADD drugs are crazy and over prescribed... 

Sorry. I’m still reading about avoiding death in peat bogs...

No. Wait. I am making this tumblr post about my ADD. For fun I am also doing a cryptic crossword.

Without filtering very much in this post--this is what it is like for me. Though oddly I can sit down and do one thing for like 10 hours. I can read, or watch TV, or write, or think for hours and hours without moving. This is not good. Because I will not notice that I am cold, or if I am thirsty, or hungry, or in low level pain. I can sure read a lot or get a lot of writing done. But not in a particularly healthy way. You can’t write screenplays and novels if you die of dehydration half way through. Speaking of which. I need to drink this water, which I have had sitting next to me for three hours. Oh. Just realized. I forgot to take my meds. Which is why I put my pillbox on the arm of the couch next to me. Next to this glass of water. Several hours ago.

Today is a particularly all over the place day. Because my doctor quit and I ran out of adderall over a week ago. I now have some because my GP wrote me an Rx. I am going to take my very small dose and things will quiet down somewhat.

The thing I wanted to describe from the start is that I called the new psych office and spoke to them last week. We set up two appointments. And I knew I was getting confused when the lady was telling me dates and times and office suite numbers and jumping around. But I wrote it down and I thought, “No. It’s okay. You totally understood what she said.” So I didn’t clarify. And yesterday I knew I had an appointment today and I set up reminders because I live in fear of forgetting appointments or meetings of any kind.

My calendar today said: dr “smith” 29 002 12:30 PM

So here’s part of the problem. The woman told me to come 10-15 mins early to fill out paperwork. I don’t know if my appointment was at 12:45 and I noted show up at 12:30 or if my appointment was schedule for 12:30 and I was meant to show up by 12:15. So I showed up at 12:10. The problem? My appointment is next Monday.

And that notation? I know it looks odd. I wrote the street number, but not the street. (Which I know because I know the building.) I do things like that all the time and I don’t even notice.

What I’m nervous about is my whole history of being diagnosed with ADD. I don’t have paperwork from a previous doctor with a diagnosis. So they won’t prescribe meds for me without evaluating me. Which is fine and they should. But when I was 5, I made my first trip to a psychologist to be tested for various issues. The psychologist told my parents I was bright and very shy, but like whatever. And every year after that my teacher would be frustrated and send me for testing, insisting I must have a learning disability or something. I was never “working up to my potential.” The disparity between my test scores and my work was always extreme. And the testers always sent me right back saying, “Oh. She’s so smart. No problems.” And then my teachers were LIVID. If I was sooooo smart I must be lazy or willful or have some flaw in my moral character that made me bad at organizing and completing school work. This went on until I graduated high school.

After I graduated from college (which is a separate story) I had a therapist who kept saying she thought I had ADD. And I wanted to scream. I’d been tested for ADD like 18 times. And then I found out about being twice exceptional and I am still so angry about this. I am both gifted and learning disabled. And they fuck each other up and mask each other. So I either seem not as smart as I should be OR too smart to be learning disabled and completely inconsistent. If you have a headache from reading this--try living this way all the time. I mean, I’m used to it. I’m fine.

So now I have to take this whole MESSY history and dump it on a new doctor and hope they agree that I am not an adult seeking a very low dose of a controlled substance for nefarious reasons. I need it to make my brain settle down.

Oh. I was going to drink some water and take some meds. Ok. I did that. And you know what I was doing before I started making this post? I was half way through a cryptic crossword...

[just-another-winchester]

My Supernatural Origin Story!

I know it’s getting close to the time where everyone goes to bed, so I wanna send you all goodnight messages in thanks.

I had no clue when I started watching Supernatural that I would meet so many wonderful people. I want to explain to you what happened, if you are interested, read on! If no, then that’s fine, there are thanks beneath the cut as well.

I will honestly be amazed if you guys don’t get bored reading this.

I am a strong advocate of sharing the love. And that is something I haven’t come in contact with a lot.

My family is not physically loving people, I am a person who enjoys physical love. And no, I do not mean sex, I mean hugs, cuddles, kisses. Stuff like that, and my family, they don’t do that, especially now that I am an adult, they think I shouldn’t need it.

I got my first job when I was 17. I was hired as a Crew Member at McDonalds. I worked from 11 am to 4 pm most days, the only day I always had off was Sunday.

I loved my job, I got along well with my co workers mostly, and the customers were generally not that bad. I was very new to the world since I had been home schooled most of my life, so I generally had a positive opinion of everything, even when I dealt with a rude or mean customer, I shrugged it off and thought, ‘oh well’

When winter came around I switched my hours to full time because I wasn’t willing to walk in the cold.I worked 6 am to 2 pm. I slowly became more and more exhausted, less willing to do things. Before I knew it winter was over, but I liked my paycheck, so I kept the hours.

The job and the people slowly began to weigh me down, I was always exhausted, and I didn’t want to do anything.

Finally, in March of 2016, my grandmother passed away while I was at work. I have never experienced a worse feeling than when my brother, who was working there as well at the time, came up to me and told me that my grandmother was gone.

My grandma was my rock, she was my happy place, when I went to her house, all was well with the world, I was allowed to be a child, I goofed off and had fun. It was grandma’s house, but it was home.

When she passed, that was when my world came crashing down. Anxiety and depression set it, something I had never dealt with before. I was always a cheerful kid, while my brother and cousins had a song that my grandma would sing to them, I had my own special song, You Are My Sunshine, because I was always happy.

After I lost her, that song was a bitter reminder of what I wasn’t anymore.

I finally ended up leaving the job on good terms after a panic attack. My GM had anxiety issues as well so she was very kind and understanding.

I began looking for a job after a few months, and it was a struggle to find one, no one was hiring, but I couldn’t go back to McDonalds. It was just too much stress, I needed to ease into something, not go back to what caused a lot of problems in the first place.

Finally, I came to a book bindary that had employed my older brother over the summer for the past three years as summer help for college kids.

I wasn’t in college, but I was hired on full time as a processor. Ya know the stickers, bar codes and such you see on library books? That’s what I did. Seems easy right? It was, for the most part.

The problem was speed. We had a quota, and for me, someone who needs to take her time otherwise I’ll screw up everything, that was problematic.

Is was here though, that I found friends. Good friends. I had my first ever girls night out with a couple of the women from this job.

This was the start of Supernatural for me.

I saw one of my coworkers wearing a shirt with the words Carry On My Wayward Son, and a sillhouette of Sam and Dean. I didn’t know about Kansas, but I had heard the song before, so I asked if that was the band.

Then, low and behold, the community gathered around! Okay, so it was only three people at the time. But it still counts!

They said it was a shirt for this show called Supernatural. I’ve always been interested in creepy sorts of stuff, so I asked what it was about.

After it was explained to me, I decided it sounded interesting. I was curious, and wanted to know more. 

I had been in the middle of watching Prison Break, and decided when I was finished with that, Supernatural was next on my list, because I was needing something to watch anyway.

A couple weeks later, I was fired. Unfairly by my opinion, and the opinion of all of my co workers.

They all found it unfair, my co worker Teresa, she trained me, she had told me for a fact that I was not the slowest person there, and the problem was, I was fired because they said I was just too slow.

I had been happy while at this job. But when I was fired, the depression set back in, I was sad, and discouraged.

Then I remembered Supernatural. I decided, I had plenty of free time, let’s check it out!!

I looked up a trailer for the first season, and... I loved it. I don’t remember my original thoughts or feelings exactly, I just thought it looked interesting. So I said Yes to the dress!

I found the first episode, and watched it, and before I knew it the seasons were flying by.

I’m a lot like Sam, but I’m more of a Dean girl, because there is nothing I love more than a big brother. Dean’s entire personality made me wanna cling to him.

I cried, I laughed, I got angry, I got happy. The show was my solace in a way, it made me happy, it made me forget the crap that was happening.

I had already been on a writing site, and as I was finishing the first season, I decided I wanted to roleplay. I created a character, that I, to this day, am very proud of. Her name was Hali.

Through this character I got out all my feelings, all my bad negative thoughts and emotions. I worked them through her, I became Hali when I was alone, I turned myself into her and used her to work my way through my struggles, through my hurt.

My first encounter with a member of the supernatural family was @blue-heaven-winchestergirl83. I roleplayed with her where my character was Hali, and hers was a nephilim named Kass, who was easily incredible.

I rped through the rest of my time watching, right up until the season 13 premiere, and I loved it. Carmine was and is my friend. She guided me through the beginning of my love of Supernatural.

There wasn’t too much love for the show there however. I wanted to read more! Especially, Dean smut. Cause I mean... come on, this guy.

And so, I searched on google for some links to fanfiction, it always led me to tumblr when I was interested in 5sos or 1d fics, but I had never been interested in tumblr, it was just... confusing to me. I didn’t understand it, and I am not fond of new things.

Finally, I read through all of @theinsandoutsofcastiel masterlist. OH MY GOD I loved it all, so I finally decided to start using it.

I had already created a tumblr previously, but hardly used it because I wasn’t much into what I had created it for.

I logged on, and we were in business.

I wrote a fic, that was honestly so many kinds of bad that I am probably going to end up taking it down and rewriting it. But with that, spawned something.

The first memorable encounter I had was with @impala-dreamer, I started following her cause I liked that she said Castiel was her patronous, I thought she was funny. Then I got through her masterlist and I decided she was also pretty damn cool.

I loved her and her work, so, one day I sent an ask, wondering if she would review one of my fics, and she did, and it gave me hope.

She helped me through a lot of things, she was patient with me, and kind to me. Even though I know I annoyed the crap out of her, because I annoy the crap out of myself.

With Beka, I learned a lot about tumblr, I became more comfortable with it. I joined a couple challenges, and that got me more likes and followers. She reblogged my fic, I believe it was about removing plastic from a turkey. 

I made a post, telling her about how grateful I was to her. And from that, came Amanda.

I don’t even remember how @amanda-teaches and I fully began talking, unsure which of us started it, but it doesn’t matter, cause Amanda, she’s my people. She is a constant ray of sunshine and I love her with all my tiny little heart.

She beta’s my fics, she helps me through them, she lets me rant at her about ideas, and she’s just so incredibly patient with me. She is still, and hopefully always will be, one of my closest friends.

@queen-of-deans-booty is another one I don’t fully remember meeting, I remember loving her so much, she was so sweet and I just loved her writing. I left her an anon ask, I was getting down on myself, and she was kind and patient with me, she told me it was safe to come off anon, and then, she allowed me to put her on my Dream Team, or forevers list.

She reblogged and commented on the first chapter of my series You’re Not Alone. I still read that on bad days, to remind me that I can still do good.

With that, came a flood of love. It spiked me to more followers, more likes, more reblogs. I was more noticed.

I don’t remember how I came to know @katymacsupernatural, but I will never deny it was one of the best things ever. Undeniable Heat was what I found of hers. I loved it, with all my heart, it was incredible and I immediately wanted in. Her story inspired me to write my imaginary world where Jensen and Jared are my honorary brothers, where Dani and Gen are my best friends, and where Misha is just a constant goof of a great friend.

I love writing it, even though Im not comfortable sharing it yet. Her inspiration to write it aided me a lot, she was so incredible, and then one night, she opened her inbox, and I pulled a full frontal attack.

I bombarded her with stupid little poems, goofy things and just me being a dork. I told her I was kidnapping the Winchesters, and for the next few weeks that was just our thing. It made me so happy. She was the first person I was comfortable not doing anon with, because she played along, and made me happy.

And thus struck up that friendship, which, wow... has done more for me than I can say. She and Amanda are what I call my butter pumpkins. And let me tell you, that it the highest honor.

Katy, you are constant and wonderful.

Since then, I have gained more than 200 followers, at this moment I have 243.

I was lucky enough to meet @becs-bunker, @sillesworldofwriting in a way through my fic called Just A Touch, which was a fic I wasn’t even proud of. I got such a roar of feedback from that fic, and it was at a time where I needed it most.

After that I met @thing-you-do-with-that-thing, and I love her to pieces because I see her and I see a strong, and brave person. She reminded me that you don’t have to take crap. She showed me how to stand up for someone, and for myself.

I don’t think I can say enough about the people who have helped me on this site. But to all of you who I have tagged, and will tag.

I’m sorry if I don’t have much to say about you, but you all mean more to me than I can say. Thank you for sharing the love, thank you for being there.

Thank you for helping me feel like family.

The #spnfamily, it’s one of the best things that’s happened to me. Through all the hate I have recieved today, I laugh at it, because I know I have all of you. So thank you.

@manawhaat @polina-93 @cassieraider @dizwinchester @babypieandwhiskey @nightlyinsomnious @cass-trash @ladywinchester1967

And anyone else I may have forgotten. I love you, your support is keeping me going everyday.

You will never know, how much it means.

[foxskinxx]

Put My Heart Back Together Part 5

Summary: Reader isn’t human and when she finally confesses her love to a certain metal armed soldier, her heart breaks (literally) when he doesn’t love her back. Will the reader deal with the dullness she has to endure or will Bucky come to his senses? Soulmate AU?

Warnings: ANGST. FLUFF?. HEARTBREAK? CUSSING LIKE A SAILOR, duh. 

Author’s Note: This is long. I apologize if this is complete shit.  My friend has helped me tremendously with the chapters, @krimzenrayne​ .

It has been a year since your mother had come to live with you and since the decision that led to you and Bucky to be friends again. Bucky has changed his attitude towards you and it did make your chest a little lighter. You and Bucky began to communicate better, understand each other more clearly, and you both started to feel a lot better. It did take some time for you both to get use to the new change but your mother was there to help you both. At first, Bucky wouldn’t stay in the same room as you, he still felt the crushing weight of the guilt. You couldn’t look at him for more than a minute, he was so mesmerizing that you wanted to curl up to him but you couldn’t. 

You started to let your voice be heard, you didn’t wait until the last minute to say something and it made things a lot less painful. You didn’t overthink when Bucky would talk to another woman, you concluded that there are female agents and they do not get his love, that’s only you. You stopped being dramatic when someone hurt you or when they said something they didn’t know upset you. You started to feel better and your two heart puzzle pieces started to shift a little towards each other. 

Bucky stopped denying that he doesn’t deserve love, he learned to accept it. He didn’t go out of his way to make you upset anymore, so he wouldn’t get close to you. He stopped making decisions for you and started to talk to you about it. He start to think before he did something that might hurt you. 

All in all, it was a going good. You two still have a long way to go but this past year has showed how much you both improved. You felt somewhat happy and it felt good to feel something other than depressed or angry. 

“EVERYONE! MAY I PLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!” Tony’s voice boomed through out the kitchen and the lounge area that was connected to the kitchen. You sat on the kitchen counter top, talking with your mom who was in front you. She had some baggy clothes on like you did, she was leaning against the counter behind her as she talked to you about Russia when the old man bombarded into the room. 

“Tony it is nine in the fucking morning. If you don’t tell us what this is about soon, I’m going to roast you.” You were a morning person but you hated when people do that, you didn’t like when people interrupted your conversations. 

“Well Y/N if you did than you would be uninvited to my party tonight. Everyone is invited, dress casual.” With that Tony swiftly exited the room, not wanting to hear any rejections. 

“Flame, are you going?” Your mother turned back to you once Tony left. You shrugged your shoulders as you sipped on your earl grey tea. You did want to go and have a good time but you didn’t exactly like big crowds. 

“I don’t know. You know how I get in large crowds.” Your mother hummed in agreement. You noticed that Bucky was talking with Natasha and Wanda in the lounge area. Your hands grew a faint shade of orange. 

“Flaaaaaaame.” Your mother drew out your pet name as she noticed your growing worry, literally. You snapped back to your mothers gaze and controlled your emotions.

“Why are you worrying?” You felt her hand grasp your hand as you let out a rather sad sigh.

“I guess I’m just insecure. Natasha and Bucky have had a past and she seems like the perfect fit even though the universe literally made us soulmates, I still get insecure.” You kept your head down as you confessed your thoughts. 

“Oh honey, it’s okay to be insecure as long as you don’t drown yourself in it.” She rubbed small circles on your hand as she gave you a toothy smile. 

“Anyway, are you going?” You changed the subject to avoid getting more into it, you agreed with her but you just hated to dwell on it. 

“I think I will.” She moved to the sink and placed her empty cup in the sink to wash it later. 

“I’m going to the lab to help Bruce. Call me if you need me okay sweetie?” You nodded at your mothers question and sipped on your tea. You began to debate whether you are going to the party or not. 

“Agent Y/L/N?” You rose your head to find a rather attractive young man staring at you. Who is he?

“Yes?” You wondered who this mysterious man was, you haven’t seen him before. He had blonde hair, blue eyes, and he was very fit.

“I’m Agent Bay Hart, I am new to the Avengers. You’re the only one I haven’t met so I thought I would introduce myself.” He extended his hand with a polite smile spread across his face. 

You jumped off the counter and took his hand in yours but once your skin made contact he jerked his hand back. 

“OW!” You might have forgotten to warn him that your hands are usually hotter than most. 

“I’m so sorry!” You couldn’t believe that you already burned him before you even said ‘hello.’

“It’s okay. I should’ve known that your body temperature is hotter than most.” He chuckled at his mistake and yours. You giggled a little as you two started to get to know more about each other. You’ve discovered that he is an excellent sniper, combat trainer, and he is married. 

“I bet I could kill more target faster than you.” He heard that you were one of the best snipers in the compound and he was one for a challenge. You chuckled and rolled your eyes at his competitiveness. 

“Suuuure and I bet that by tomorrow pig’s will fly.” He laughed at your sarcasm. 

“Y/N?” You looked up from Bay and your eyes met Bucky’s grey ones. 

“Hey Bucky!” You sounded happier than usual, your cheeks were a bit pink, you started to get nervous and Bay noticed your love struck state. Bay started to chuckle and nudge your side which made you push him away and let out a laugh at his behavior. Bucky just stood in front of you two and looked very confused. 

“So are you going to the party tonight?” Bucky went to the fridge to grab a water. You shrugged your shoulders and mumbled an, ‘ I don’t think so.’

“Oh come on Y/N, you can’t just stay in your room all night.” Bay wanted to hangout with you more and frankly you did too, he seemed nice. You pursed your lips, taped your finger on your chin as you pretend to think about it. Bay chuckled at your act and rolled his eyes. 

“I think that’s a great idea, Bay! I think Netflix and I have a date tonight anyway.” You and Bay were laughing at your comment while Bucky looked like he could kill at any moment. 

“I’ll talk to you later Y/N.” Bucky went to hug you and you of course returned it. Bucky gave Bay a cold stare but you didn’t see it. When you went to pull away Bucky didn’t make a move to disconnect you two anytime soon. You didn’t mind but you weren’t alone so you laughed as you lightly pushed him off. 

“I’ll see you later Bucky.” Bucky’s arm wrapped around your waist as he pressed a kiss to your cheek. You didn’t expect it but you smiled stupidly as he left the kitchen. 

“Okay, you have to tell me what that was about.” Bay had his head rested on his hands as he leaned against the counter listening to you intently as you explain everything. 

9:41 pm.

You didn’t go to the party, you didn’t feel like being around anyone tonight. You changed from your day clothes into your comfortable over-sized band tee and leggings. You went to the kitchen to grab some snacks and a drink as you made your course to the theater room. You asked F.R.I.D.A.Y to play When Harry Met Sally as you got comfortable on one of Tony’s expensive couches. The opening began to play when you heard the door open and you paused the movie to tell them to ‘fuck off’ but than you saw a familiar face. 

“Mind if I join?” Bay looked like he has been in bed all day. You furrowed your eyebrows as you made room for him to sit beside you. When he sat down, he groaned in pain. Your eyebrows increased to make its way towards each other. 

“Why are you not at the party?” 

“I had over trained today and I pulled some muscles. Didn’t really feel like getting wasted tonight.” You laughed at the explanation.

“You’re a body builder.” You sneered at the stupid man beside you as he gave you a playful glare. He rolled his eyes and you just chuckled as you told F.R.I.D.A.Y to play the movie. Throughout the movie, you and Bay discussed the characters you hated and loved, the plot, and the ending. 

“But come on Y/N, you can’t actually be into that.” You and Bay had abandoned the theater room for a moment, you had run out of food. You rolled your eyes at Bay’s stupid comment. You walked beside each other as you both made your way to the kitchen. 

“I love that quote. It’s romantic.” You argued with the blonde. 

“I dare you reenact it with me.” Bay smirked as your cheeks went pint. He rolled his eyes, “Just pretend it’s Bucky.” He smirked even wider when your face went tomato red. You sighed as you thought this would be fun to actually say it to someone even for a joke. Unbeknownst to you or Bay, Bucky was just about to enter the kitchen when he heard you talking to Bay. You and Bay began to grow serious so you two could reenact your favorite scene.

“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” 

“You see? That is just like you, Bay. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you.”You repeated your favorite quote with such passion that you sounded like you were serious. Bay insisted that you use his name rather than Harry because it would sound more real. Out of the corner of your eye you saw something reflect light in your eye.

But when you looked in that direction, you didn’t see anything. You shrugged your shoulders and looked back at Bay who was trying to be serious. He started to quote other cheesy love lines from other movies. You tried to stay serious throughout the whole thing but it was very difficult. 

“I want you. I want all of you, forever. You and me, every day.” Bay grasped your hand in order to make it more believable. You both were on the verge of laughing but you wanted to continue to see if you can make him laugh first.

  “You had me at hello.” You sounded so sincere, you sounded like you were actually confessing. You and Bay separated as you both cracked at the same time, the last quote was too much. 

“Oh my goodness, that was HILARIOUS.” You and Bay were on the floor laughing. You haven’t had a laugh like that in a very long time. You both got your asses off the floor and wiped the tears that spilled out during your giggle fit. 

You and Bay hung out in the kitchen for a couple hours. You decided to cook some cookies as you both shared some mission stories. You explained your race to your new team mate and he told you how he met his partner. 

“I think I’m going to head to Bucky’s room and see if he returned from the party.” You would usually spend your nights with Bucky but he went to the party. He promised to meet you later but you haven’t seen him in over six hours. Bay rolled his eyes as he gagged as he stuck his finger in his mouth pointing to this uvula.

“Oh shut up. I’ll see you later Bay.” You skipped out of the kitchen and took your time to Bucky’s room as you thought about the fun you had with your new friend. You giggled at the memory of the stupid cheesy lines. It was currently 12:43 am and you wanted to talk to Bucky before you headed to bed. 

“Bucky!” You knocked rapidly at his door hoping he’ll be in a good mood. You loved talking about your day to Bucky and you loved hearing about his. You just hated when he was in a bad mood, you hated to see him other than happy. 

Bucky’s door swung open and reviled a red eyed, slumped Bucky. You furrowed your eyebrows and made haste to comfort him but when you fingertips touched his cheek, he reacted like it was poison. The pain sketched on his face made your heart ache. You were about to ask what’s wrong when his voice made its way out of his throat. 

“Go away.” He slammed the door straight in your face. You stood there stunned at his behavior. Okay what the fuck was that?

“Bucky, what did I do?” You had a small pool of tears making their way around your vision. You didn’t like this, not one bit. 

“GO AWAY Y/N!” He sounded so angry. What had you done?

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow Bucky..” You mumbled loud enough for him to hear. You had your head down as you made your way towards your room to think about all the situations that might have led to this. 

Bucky’s POV.

I had walked into the kitchen in search for Y/N but when I heard her rather romantic confession towards the new agent, I bolted the minute she she confessed, “you had me at hello.”

I entered my room and as soon as the door shut, I punched the wall to my right. I retracted my metal fist from the plaster and engrossed my hands into my hair where they tangled themselves into my locks. I sat at the edge of my bed in order to calm down and evaluate the situation. 

“She’s my soulmate, she wouldn’t do this.” I tried to reason with my darker thoughts that began to whisper appalling words into my brain. 

“You hurt her, you broke her heart, you idiot. You’re a monster, you can’t really think that this soulmate shit is real? You have a soulmate? You’ll never be loved.”  It all became too much, my vision faded and darkness invaded my sight and my mind. I couldn’t fight them anymore, they were too much. I sat on the corner of my bed, in the dark as I began to panic and feel worthless. 

Why would she love me?

“Bucky!!” Y/N beautiful voice came in my mind like a bullet. I furrowed my eyebrows, why was she here? I rose from my spot on the bed and wiped my eyes, even though it did nothing. I opened the door to find the love of my life. 

My shoulders slumped when all I could think about was those damn words as I saw her gorgeous fucking eyes. Damnit.

She went to touch my face as her expression turned to worry. When her fingertips brushed against my skin, all I could think about was her love confession to the new agent. I pulled away immediately as I thought about her holding on to Bay. 

“Go away.” I took all the strength I had left to look her in the eyes and shut the door in her face. I leaned my forehead on the door as I placed my hands on either side of my face. I love you, all I could repeat in my mind was those stupid three words. 

“Bucky what did I do?” She sounded so broken, it almost made me run out of the room and wrap her into me. Almost. 

“GO AWAY Y/N!” I screamed in an angry tone but I wasn’t angry with her. I was angry at myself for thinking I deserved her love. I could never be angry with her even if she broke my heart. I felt betrayed. 

I found myself on my knees as I still had my hands and forehead pressed against the door. 

“I love you, Y/N. I love you more than you know.” I found myself whispering through the pain how much I love my precious angel. But she wasn’t mine, at least not anymore. 

Y/N’S POV.

“What did I do, mamma? Everything was going so well until three weeks ago.” Every night since that dreadful night when Bucky closed his door on you, you’ve been crying yourself to sleep in your mother’s lap. It’s been three weeks exactly since Bucky decided to cut you off, it hurt more each day. You tried, fuck did you try, to talk to him. He only gave you a stone cold glare and a scoff as he pushed you aside and resumed what he was doing. 

“Ssh, flame, we’ll find out what is going on m’kay? It will be okay.” She would always hold her arms wide open when you’d open the door with red cheeks and tears cascading down your face. You soon drifted off into dreamland as your mother pet your hair, kissed your forehead, and tucked you in.

Wanda was in the main kitchen when she saw your mother come into view with a sorrowful look on her face. She leaned her elbows on the counter as she massaged her temples with her fingertips. Wanda and your mother have grown close and your mother had grown fond of the witch. Your mother had officiously adopted Wanda for a birthday, you both cried so hard. Wanda was now your sister and your mother had another addition to the family.  

“Mom, is everything okay?” Wanda sat her cup of tea down and placed her hand on her shoulder. 

“Hmm? Oh yes, I’m just confused and worried about this situation with Y/N and Bucky.” Your mother kept her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes focused on the basket of fruit in front of her as she thought of ways to help. 

“I think I may know why.” Tony popped his head around the corner to show he was eavesdropping on the two women. “Before you say anything, I miss my cheerful Y/N, so when I noticed something happened between the two I did some research on the security cameras.” Tony explained his reasoning behind his case. 

Tony held out his tablet to the two curious women, he then pressed play when they nodded him to do so. It played that fateful night. It was a perfect angle, you could see you two clearly as well as the hallway where Bucky was eavesdropping. The two women had their eyes wide when they saw that Bucky didn’t wait until you both crackled with laughter to leave. This explains it all. 

“Oh shit.” Wanda gasped at the new evidence to the case of your broken state and Bucky’s. The group of three took it all in, Tony took it in for the second time. 

They began to come up with a plan to get you two to at least talk. Now it was time to put it in action.

@mayfeather27 @theloveablesociopath

[joecasualnerd]

Number 25: Island Adventure

Even before I started working on this list, I’m already late in getting the first one out.

Technical issues aside, I would like to start off by saying, welcome to the blog and welcome to my 25 Days of Stevenmas (name pending)!

Yes, this is the first actual post regarding my 25th favorite episode of Steven Universe, which is Season One Episode Thirty, Island Adventure.

Premise

The premise of this episode is that while searching for a Gem monster on an island, Steven is now able to use the Warp Pads on his own. He goes to the Big Donut to tell Lars and Sadie the good news, only to see the two snapping at each other.

Steven then suggests that he takes them on a vacation, to which only hijinks could ensue. The three go to the island where the Crystal Gems couldn’t find the gem monster, and Lars wants to go back home.

Defeated, Steven goes to look for the Warp Pad, only to find out that it has mysteriously disappeared.

Seemingly trapped, the three spend quite a bit of time on the island, Lars at first being his usual Lars-y self, with Sadie and Steven trying to make the best out of the situation. When Lars finally starts to break free from his tough exterior, we start to see him have a fun time on the island.

That, however, is short lived, with Lars finally lashing out on his phone, as well as Sadie momentarily. Lars breaks down and he asks Sadie is she ever felt lonely, even if there were other people around.

Then the two kiss, only for them to be attacked by the Gem monster. They all run, and Sadie reveals that she hid the Warp Pad as a way for Lars to enjoy his time on the island. Lars, understandably, gets angry at Sadie, with the monster on its way and Steven trying to rush them back home.

Lars falls in a pit with the monster, Sadie jumps down and fights the monster and manages to win. The three get back on the Warp Pad, with Lars trying to thank Sadie for saving him, Sadie being cold, and Steven trying to make the best out of the situation by saying that they should do it again sometime.

Discussion

There is quite a bit to chew on with this episode, the most important in my opinion the fact that we see a different side of Lars.

There were hints of this in the episode Lars and the Cool Kids, but it’s fleshed out a little bit more here. In Lars and the Cool Kids, we see that he wants to be accepted by people, but in this episode, we see that even if the Cool Kids accepted him, it is possible that he would still feel alone.

I am not a professional psychiatrist or psychologist, but to me that seems like Lars is suffering from depression. It’s not often that the “bully” or “jerk” character archetype to be shown having some form of depression or anxiety, and if they do it’s usually brought on by some sort of tragic backstory.

For Lars, he doesn’t have a tragic backstory. He’s just a normal teenager who feels alone and like he won’t be accepted. His parents aren’t abusive, as far as we have been shown anyway, and would totally be accepted by the Cool Kids if he didn’t try to be something he wasn’t. Lars is very guarded about how others see him, and he does his best to try and put up the front of being a tough guy.

And in Island Adventure, we finally see the walls he had set up break down, where we see that Lars is just lonely, and we get a glimpse of what he really wants, and that is to be accepted.

Just me reading this much into one-line catapulted Lars into being one of my favorite human characters. I have been a Lars fan for a long time, and whenever I saw people hating on him before the events of him and Steven being taken by Aquamarine and Topaz, I would do my best to not get into arguments because I was fascinated to see where the show was going to take his character.

Speaking of humans who get development, let’s look at Sadie. We saw in this episode that she seemed to have acted out of character. She tried to make Lars do something that he may have wanted to do for a while, but didn’t want to do anymore.

Sadie tried to force Lars into doing an activity longer than he would have cared for.

Now where have I heard that before?

Oh yes, Sadie’s Song, where we see Sadie’s mother becoming too involved with making Sadie do something for much longer than Sadie wanted to do, even if she initially wanted to do it in the first place.

This wasn’t out of character, it was foreshadowing, even if unintentional. Sadie even makes a reference to doing something like this in The Good Lars, where she says that she wishes that she could force Lars to be happy, only to realize that she was starting to sound like her mother.

Whether these later episodes were a way to explain why Sadie acted the way she did, or this was planned, I really enjoy seeing something different out of Sadie.

She does care for Lars, she wants him to have a good time, and she tried to help him by forcing him to stay on the island, and for a while it seemed to work.

However, in the face of danger, she was forced to reveal that she hid the Warp Pad, and while she had the best intentions, Lars still was in the right to be angry at her.

She kept them trapped on an island for a long time, away from their families and their jobs and could have gotten the three of them killed, all just to try and make Lars relax.

Once the monster was dealt with, Sadie being the one to beat it mind you, Lars tries to apologize for his lashing out by thanking her for saving his life. Sadie then acts coldly towards him, which kind of confuses the message being told here.

Is the episode trying to say that Sadie was in the right for keeping them on the island or was it a genuine moment of gratitude from Lars and Sadie brushing it off because she knows the entire situation was her fault? That’s open to interpretation, but I would like to think that it’s the latter.

Moving from how I interpret the episode, I want to mention how gorgeous the art is in this episode. Being in a unique tropical setting, with open geodes all over the place, the bright pinks and blues really pop in this episode and it looks amazing.

This episode also has one of my favorite songs of the series, Be Wherever You Are, which is a song that is literally saying be wherever you are. It is a song that is trying to say that you should just relax and go with the flow of wherever you are, in this case being on an island and just having fun doing island things.

The song is simple, only having the ukulele, a violin, a bass, and some bongos going along with the vocals, and the arrangement evokes the feeling of being on an island, at least for me.

Now why is this episode so far in the bottom? Well the reason for that is because while I enjoy all the subtext and implications going on the episode’s characters, the plot is essentially a Liar Revealed plot, where someone is keeping a big secret from everyone else and when the secret gets out, people get angry.

This plot has been done so many times and is very much a tired trope and beyond that plot point, there is only so much that the show can go into for eleven minutes. They manage to get their biggest point across, but left me unsatisfied and wanting more. That isn’t a bad thing, but it takes eleven episodes (Horror Club) for more about Lars to be revealed, and forty-seven episodes to develop even more (The New Lars).

Overall, there are a lot of great character moments in this episode, but also a bunch of wasted opportunity and a generic plot dragging this episode down.

It is still Number 25, and we can only go on up from here.

Thank you for reading, and sorry if my thoughts come off as rambley and strange. It is 11 PM as I write this, and I need to get working on Number 24 and Number 23 right after I post this, because I have a busy couple of days ahead of me, and I want to get a bit of a head start if I can.

Until next time, thanks for reading and have a pleasant time.

Peace.

[blschaos3000-blog]

It is 1:43 pm hot/summer/torando sirens

Welcome to “8 Questions with…..”

    I met our next guest,writer and author Darnell Cureton around two years ago at a blogging party. A blogging party is hosted by a person and you are encouraged to come by and read other blogs and share your own.     I popped on Darnell’s blog and and was blown away with his writing talent. I hit the “Follow”button and during the course of the weeks after doing so,I started reading Darnell’s writing and commenting. Soon we started commenting and supporting each other’s work. Its always a joy to see a good friend achieve a hard earned goal and I was some happy to find out that Darnell’s work was being published in a magazine which is no mean feat.      I have many very talented writer friends who have yet to achieve that so this should tell you just how good of a writer Darnell really is.  His latest short story “Life Changes” is one of the most unnerving mix of sci-fi/horror I have read in a good long time and I highly recommend it.    Darnell has a interesting series on his blog called “Diary of a Bad Writer” in which you can get a idea of what a working writer goes through in sharping a new story,character or just sitting down and WRITING. This series has encouraged me when I find myself sitting and unfocused,I find myself re-reading Darnell’s tips and ideas on how to just start WRITING.      I really hope you enjoy meeting one of the kindest and most talented artists I know….as I ask my friend Darnell Cureton his 8 Questions……

Please introduce yourself and tell us about your current WIP.

    Hello everyone. My name is Darnell Cureton. I’m a blogger and writing coach. My blog features writing encouragement in a post I call the diary of a bad writer. It’s a play on words that I use to get readers to stop by. I provide writing tips and talk about personal experiences with writing in a three to five line format. I also write fiction. My stories are about 1,500 to 3,500 words long. That’s works out to something like a 10-minute to 25-minute story to read in various genres. My latest story is called  “LIFE CHANGE.” It’s part science fiction, part fantasy, about a woman on a date. She is so paranoid about someone putting something in her drink that she doesn’t see what the real threat is. I had fun writing it and I encourage all to read it. It has a nice twist at the end.

How have you been handling the pandemic? What have you been doing to stay active?

   I am considered essential personnel on two jobs so I’ve been steadily working through the pandemic. It has taken a toll on me as I have to gear up daily with personal protective equipment including gloves, masks, hand sanitizers, and disinfecting surface wipes. Covid-19 has affected my writing as well. I have ideas for short stories but getting them on paper is slow. It’s not writer’s block. It’s more like losing the desire to write because of the depressing current events happening worldwide. I’ve discovered this is happening to other authors in our community so I’m not alone. To continue actively writing, I pen a paragraph or two to take the pressure off creating, then stop to do something else. After a couple of days, I’ll resume with fresh eyes and write a little more. Since I’m out and about, I listen to audiobooks throughout the day and stream movies like everyone else. I keep in touch with family and friends using video and text. It’s the new way.

What was growing up in the Cureton house like? What are three of your favorite moments growing up?

 Growing up in the Cureton household was for me… pretty much vanilla. My parents were old school, meaning they handled family matters between themselves. Seldom did they raise their voices at each other or me. When times were hard, I never knew. I always had 3 meals a day and a stable roof over my head. By age 10 I had my own room, a huge tube black and white tv, and a 3 tier electric Ho scale race car track in my room that my dad set up on a table made just for it. I walked a half-mile to school and back home… alone. There was no need for protection in numbers. I could stay out on Saturday all day without checking in. Nobody thought twice about where I was or what I was doing. It was a different world back then. For me, it was all vanilla and no drama. Favorite moments were:

 (1) When I got to choose the movie we would go out to see as a family. I, of course, would pick a horror flick with Christopher Lee doing his Dracula thing. Another time I remember asking to see Night Of The Living Dead…and they took me! Scared the hell out of me but they gave me the victory of seeing it.

(2) My dad buying me a red Schwinn 5 speed bicycle. It had a skinny front wheel and a fat rear one that resembled a dragster. I was the only kid on the block with one.

(3) I had asthma as a child so when I asked for a pet the answer was always no. To my surprise, one day I came home from school and there was a pup staring at me when I walked in the door. It was a mixed breed German Shepherd and Great Dane. That dog grew bigger than me and provided me with some of the happiest moments of my life.

When did you get the writing bug? Who encouraged you to start writing and how did they do so?

I got the writing bug by accident. A friend of mine was performing standup comedy at a local club. I wanted to support him so I show up wearing a dress shirt, pants, tie, and polished shoes. I stood out like a sore thumb! All around me were a sea of twenty something’s dressed casual in denim shirts, jeans, and Timberland boots. It didn’t help when a comedian (not my friend) saw me and called me pops! I was 25 years behind the bar scene! The experience was laughable, so I got the idea to post it on Face Book. I later decided I wanted to provide details, so I created an account on WattPad, the writing platform used to create your own stories. Well, I wrote about the experience and posted it there. Only friends I told about it read it. It was bad writing, but I’ve been hooked ever since. I told a childhood friend of mine that I wanted to write, and he’s been supporting me along with the WordPress community since that day.

 What do you enjoy most about the writing process? Can you walk us through what your routine is when you write? How many hours a week do you write?

I like dialogue. Giving my characters a conversation that sounds real makes the story come to life. The main thing is to get the idea or the scene down on paper. It’s okay at this point to have typos, too many – he said… then she said… or using the word LIKE 4 times in 1 sentence. Once I get the idea on paper, I can go back and clean up the mistakes and dialogue. How much time I write varies. Covid-19 changed much of my writing habits. In general I write when an idea is fresh in my mind. I pen those thoughts as soon as I can. Sometimes inspiration comes at a time when I should be doing something else. When that happens I get out my phone recorder and I dictate the idea or scene so I don’t forget when I get back to writing. I’ve learned from experience to write down the idea or voice record it because 2 hours later I won’t remember a damn thing about that scene or idea.

 Tell us about your blog. When did you start it and how has it helped you in your writing?

I started my blog back in 2014. It was called “Writing Block,” but I didn’t do much with it. In fact, I only had two postings that year and two followers. Sometime in 2018, I decided to add content and post 3 or 4 times a month. I didn’t think “Writing Block” had enough content so I also blogged about favorite movies, books, and TV shows. That stuff was mostly filler. With experience under my belt, I’ve learned how to dedicate the entire blog to writing original fiction and providing writing encouragement. With that dedication, came the blog name “Fictionista.” The website helps me with my writing by keeping me focused on writing. The diary postings are for me as well as other writers. I follow my own advice and project the message – “just keep writing.”

What is it like telling folks you are a published author? How do you handle it when you get a rejection letter from a story you sent in?

Telling people that you are an author is a wonderful feeling. It means that you have written something that a company wants to share with the world. When my first short story was published, I did a happy dance that would make NFL players envious! Rejection letters have the opposite effect. They can make you angry, depressed, and withdrawn. They can make you stop writing altogether. The thing to keep in mind is a rejection means the publisher doesn’t want to use what you wrote. It doesn’t mean that the work is bad. I received my first rejection letter in January. I plan on sharing it and the story I wrote with readers to show them that sometimes a publisher may not “get” what you wrote, but it doesn’t mean the work is bad. The story and rejection letter will be posted for Halloween since the story has an All Hallow’s Eve – LGBTQ theme.

What are the three most critical elements in writing fiction?

There are a few things but I will focus on three.

First is the PLOT. To keep a reader interested and turning the page they should know what they are reading. If it’s a crime story, establish what the crime is and who is trying to solve it in the first chapter so the reader can identify with the protagonist. Who wants to read a story in which you don’t know why someone is risking their life to save someone you don’t know?

The second is CHARACTERS – The people in your story should be believable types that could live next door to you. The neighbor with the bad tattoo, the obnoxious 10-year old that curses and calls the parents by their first names, or the young blond that goes jogging at night in a bad neighborhood with a colt 45 in a granny pack. Id love to read about any of those people.

Third – DIALOGUE –  Conversation between characters should sound real. If my protagonist is defending a homeless person against three aggressors, would he say “hey, homeless people matter guys,” or “the first one touching him losses an arm!” Dialogue matters my friend.

 Who are your three favorite writers and what makes them special?

   That’s hard to answer but I can tell you who I’m thinking about today. Let’s start with Octavia Butler. She was recognized as the first black woman to write compelling science fiction stories. Her novels mix science fiction with historical fiction and African American themes. If you’ve never read her work, I recommend her novel “Kindred.” It involves time travel and human rights.    The next favorite is Stephen King. What I like about him is he can write in various genres, and do it quite well. I’ve read his horror, supernatural fiction, suspense, crime, and science fiction. I’m doing the same with flash fiction. My stories have different genres. I think that gives you the experience to make the best story. Three favorite King stories are “The Mist,” “Carrie,” and Geralds Game.”     Last, Michael Connelly. I choose Michael because of the fictional character he created called Harry Bosch. Bosch is a well seasoned Los Angeles homicide detective that is hard working. He has made plenty of enemies and has a teenage daughter that he cares much for. The genre is a crime drama, with police procedurals built-in. Michael Connelly has written 21 novels (to date) with the Bosch character. The first novel with Bosch was “The Black Echo.” Connelly has written Bosch so well that it has become a popular series on Amazon Prime Video. The actor Titus Welliver was cast perfectly as the silvered haired detective that people love and hate. I hope to be able one day to write a character that people know very well, like Bosch, or Batman.

 Which three bloggers are your favorites and what do you like about their writing?

Well, you support and encourage me to write and that’s worth a mention, but since you are interviewing me, you are disqualified today, but there is always a next time!    I’ll start with Chris Hall. She is a published author that supports and encourages other writers by reading and commenting on their work. She dabbles in different genres including adult fiction. My favorite is fantasy flash fiction on her website. I become immersed in the world she creates and the characters. She can be found at Lunasonline.wordpress.com.    In between writing, I visit a blog that I find helpful in managing a healthy lifestyle. Caz, who suffers from a chronic illness, reminds us that our struggles may be invisible, but we are not. I’ve found the information on her website to be useful to everyone. A tip about natural ways to find peace and tranquility comes at a time when the world is stressing us out more than ever. Do you know what mask to use during the coronavirus pandemic? Caz covers that in a post describing various mask types and where to buy them. I look forward to her Frugal Fridays for things on the cheap that I may need. Spare a minute and take a look around her site at Invisiblyme.com.      When I return to writing, I follow author Sam Kirk’s blog. He is very good at creating stories using writing prompts. A recent story written by Sam used the second point of view. It generated a lot of comments. Sam took the feedback about the story and improved it with minor editing. Authors doing this show writers to embrace helpful criticism. It will make you and your work stronger. In addition to the creative writing, Sam writes a news related opinion piece that is based on current events. It is written in a way to generate comments. He also has thought-provoking topics in the hashtag category. Find Sam at dailyflabbergast.wordpress.com.

What do you like doing for fun when you’re not writing or avoiding the Covid-19?

   I love to grill meats outdoors. In our backyard, I start with burgers and hotdogs then work my way into chicken and pork ribs. My dad taught me to grill them with low heat and high smoke. I finish cooking the meat inside using steam for tenderizing, seasoning for flavor. When tender, I add BBQ sauce hot enough to make the devil ask for water. Homemade potato salad goes on the side. I do this in the summer and winter. I’m a true BBQ carnivore!

 The cheetah and I are flying over to listen to you read from your latest flash fiction but we are a day early and now you are stuck playing tour guide. What are we doing?

Well, its summer so I’d invite you over for…guess what? BBQ Chicken and Ribs with homemade potato salad. After we eat, I’d take you on tour to the Prudential Center, home of the New Jersey Devils. If there is no game, we’d get a drink. Most likely a Gray Goose Bump, the drink I made up in my story “Life Change.” Not far from there is the Little Theatre, a landmark adult film movie theater that opened in 1928 and closed in 2018. It’s a piece of history along with Newark Symphony Hall, a very old performing arts center that was the pride of Newark. It had status like The Apollo Theater in New York City. A ten-minute ride will bring us to the Newark Museum, the largest in the state. We’d check out a treasure chest of Buddhist exhibits, science rooms, and planetarium. The Buddha stuff might bore the cheetah, so I figured we’d head over to the City With Out Walls on Crawford street. It has cutting edge artwork created by young contemporary artists living in the city.

  My feet are tired so I’m calling it a day, but everyone can find me at:

DarnellCureton.com

Twitter.com/DarnellCureton

Instagram.com/DarnellCureton

I like to thank Darnell for taking the time to sit down and doing this interview with me. In this most uncertain time,it is comforting to know that creative souls like Darnell are still making art for us all. I encourage you to follow his blog,Twitter and InstaGram to keep in the know of what Darnell is creating next.

This is part two of a special series of 8 Questions that I’m doing,please click here to meet Stacey Bryan as she is also  pretty important to me and my blog.

If you’re new to the 8 Questions with series…….you can catch up by clicking here and reading over 110 different interviews.

8 Questions with…………..writer Darnell Cureton It is 1:43 pm hot/summer/torando sirens Welcome to "8 Questions with....."     I met our next guest,writer and author Darnell Cureton around two years ago at a blogging party.