#but god my mum and her partner want to hate trans people so bad but then can’t because I am transgenderismed yayyyy

[resident-rats]

I /could/ write the last few paragraphs of chapter two, orrrrr I could go on a side quest and write a porn without plot one shot of krauser railing trans Leon in a tent. Worlds my oyster really

[nathanprscott]

God, every time there is something about trans people on TV my mum expects me to watch it with her but doesn’t outright say so; it makes me uncomfortable to watch them with her, so i generally don’t come down to watch. However when I do it becomes a huge argument. She mainly wants me to listen to the side of the parents and partners, which I get but I also think it’s unnecessary because her side is the only one that counts to me and she’s always been vocal about the pain my transition has caused her. And I told her that, along with a line aout how unhappy I am with *my* changes when the guy on TV had his first injection. She knows how much I hate my voice but she doesn’t get it. Her response is always the same “It’s changed a lot and I sound different”, which is true from her perspective - she knew how it was before. But new people? The children at work? Every single one gets confused. I literally had to verify my identity on the phone the other day cause the person on the other end didn’t believe it was a male person on the phone - which is all good and fair they did that, but it’s furstrating. Last week, I asked a child when he would finally refer to me as a boy and he answered “he knows i’m a boy but he gets confused a lot” (which is also fair). But when I bring these things up she doesn’t get “why I care what other people think” but doesn’t understand that it’s not about that. It’s wanting to pass (& not having to try hard, preferably) - it’s about perception not active thought. I know she doesn’t mean it in a bad way... we just fight about stupid things all the time and it’s tiring. 

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Even numbers. Fuck you 💙

:’) 🖕💙

Under the cut… oh my god… lord give me strength… if any of y’all wanna get to know me… read this monster X’D

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

I think a bit of both?? I’m the type of person who’d willingly get lost in a strange city but also suddenly develop a stutter when I try to communicate with my fellow humans. :)

4. Are you easy to get along with?

lmao no.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind ones. Who can tolerate me.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

An ex friend/abuser atm. :))))

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

What qualifies as deep?? I guess, my Dad?? Maybe??

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Dodie Clark - Monster

Easy Life - Pockets

Lorde - Buzzcut Season

Zack Hemsey - The Way

Fits and the Tantrums - Roll Up

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yeah, I think so?

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I kissed my Mum on the top of her head. So, yes. XD

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

That would be Jesse. So, yes. Hope he doesn’t find this blog yikes. X’D

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Yes on one side. No on the other side.

22. Where would you like to travel?

America firstly. Then all over the place to visit other friends. I promised my Mum I’d take her to San Francisco one day, so I gotta keep that promise.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

PETS :DDDDD

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Try my best not to murder anyone while I get my cup of tea liquid life ready. XD Say hi to doggos and beep babies. Check to see if any of my friends need me urgently. Then eat toast.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My pets. My parents. My friends.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

I really don’t mind getting married or living in sin. XD It would depend entirely on what my partner wanted, I’d do whatever would make them happy.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

No one. Guess you could say I’m demisexual.

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Does horseback riding count?? I’ve dabbled in a bit of cricket. But my lungs don’t like intensive exercising, especially cardio stuff.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Story of my life, every single time. I’ve never told anyone I liked them. I’d rather die than make them feel bad or uncomfortable bc I know they don’t feel the same way.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

At the moment all I can think of is my crush lmao. :’)

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Absolutely nothing bc I’m a dropout. XD Be a completely self-taught author, hopefully.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Online, I’m probably just really tired and don’t have the energy to be upbeat and/or talk to people. In real life, it’s nothing abnormal; I hate my voice so I don’t talk much and I like quiet. If I’m not using a bunch of emojis (you know how I normally do) when I’m talking, you know I’m either being super serious, or I’m pissed off, or both.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

NEITHER YIKES I LIKE MY SOLID EARTH THANK U VERY MUCH

46. What are you paranoid about?

Being annoying.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Nope. Not really planning on it, either. I’m kind of curious as to how I’d be, though. Like I have deep-rooted buried anger issues so I might be angry, but I’m also depressed so I might be a puddle of tears and sadness, BUT my personality is v energetic and happy so… who knows, dude. X’D

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Blue and grey. It has “yo” on the hood. :D

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

Biologically male. please.

54. Favourite store?

?? don’t have one. 

56. Favourite colour?

Navy or a kind of dark aqua-navy kind of colour, like a bit of a green tinge as well? I’m also really fond of yellow too.

58. Last thing you ate?

LEFTOVER HAMBURGER AND IT WAS DELICIOUS I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVED HAMBURGERS!!!!!!1!!

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Yeah, dog training competition with our German Shepherd when I was 11.

62. Been arrested? For what?

No yet lmao.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

I’ll be sure to tell you about it when it happens. XD

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

I don’t have any irl friends so… HELL YEAH!!

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr. Obviously.

70. Names of your bestfriends?

I could literally just list all my Tumblr friends here. I’ve learnt not to get specifically close to any one or two persons. So… all my beans!!! Love you!!

72. What colour are your towels?

Blue! :D I was forced to use the pink towels in the set when I was little and not out as trans so now I surround myself in all the gendered blue bullshit X’D

74. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

….. maaayyyybbbeee.

76. Favourite animal?

D O G

78:Chocolate or Vanilla?

Neither.

80. What colour shirt are you wearing?

It’s my very yellow button down!! :D

82. Favourite tv show?

S E N S E 8

84. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Never seen either oops.

86. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

88. First person you talked to today?

Enna aka Cinnamonpuff aka steverogershield

90. Name a person you hate?

My brother, Mackenzie. :)

92. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Anyone who mistreats animals.

94.How many sweatpants do you have?

I rarely wear anything but sweatpants, so I have 8. THEY’RE COMFY OKAY. And since it’s usually cold or hot here with no real warm in between, I’m either wearing shorts or sweatpants. It’s only in the rare in-between weather (like now) that I wear my jeans.

96. Last movie you watched?

Can’t remember. I watched the first season of Jessica Jones tho, so… show instead of movie. XD

98.Favourite actor?

TERRY CREWS

100. Have any pets?

YES!!! 3 dogs (one German Shepherd named Ria, a Whippet named Granger, and a mutt named Maude), 3 chickens (Haymitch the black one, Cinna the dark brown one, Effie the pale brown one) and 2 ducks (Peeta and Katniss.) THEY’RE MY BABIES AND I’D DIE FOR THEM!!! :’D

102. Do you type fast?

LMAO APPARENTLY I DO??? My Dad thinks I must type gibberish and makes me type out what he says because he doesn’t think I can type that fast. I only type with 2 fingers normally too. X’D

104. Can you spell well?

w e l l (idk. maybe.)

106. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yup.

108. Have you ever been on a horse? 

Many times. I LOVE them SO MUCH.

110. Is something irritating you right now?

Yeah.

112. Do you have trust issues?

No. *insert canned audience laughter here* Yes, I do. Big time. Just bc I’m friendly doesn’t mean I trust anyone.

114. What was your childhood nickname?

Matt, actually!! :D

116. Do you play the Wii?

Used to, now I don’t have one anymore and it wasn’t my favourite console.

118.Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Y E S. GIMME!!!!!! :D

120.Favourite book?

Bird by Crystal Chan.

122.Are you mean?

I think I definitely can be very cutting when I lose my temper. But I haven’t done that in years now and I try very hard to be a good person. Luckily my first reaction is normally hurt, so by the time the anger kicks in I normally try and get out of the situation before I can say something harsh.

124.Can you keep white shoes clean?

NOPE. I can never keep anything clean, probably why I like dark colours so much. I literally do not own any white clothes anymore because they always get stained within a few hours of me wearing them asdfghjkl. 😅

126.Do you believe in true love?

Kind of. I believe that no relationship is ever perfect, but if people gel well and COMMUNICATE OFTEN AND HONESTLY the relationship can be amazing. I guess it’s its own kind of perfect relationship. I definitely think there’s people you get along brilliantly with, better than anyone else. There’s somebody in the world for everyone! :D

128.What makes you happy?

Animals. My friends. My OCs. :’)

130.What your zodiac sign?

Pisces!! I definitely think I’ve grown into it over time. X’D

132. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

??? depends on whether I like them back or not, obviously. If I do, I’ll probably scream for a solid week and then decide if I want to drag them into my mountain of bullshit with a relationship, or leave it be. If I don’t, let them down as gently as I can. Also I’m a raging bi, so gender wouldn’t matter. :P

134.Favourite lyrics right now?

My all-time favourite lyrics are from The Judge by Twenty one Pilots:

“When the leader of the bad guys sangSomething soft and soaked in painI heard the echo from his secret hideawayHe must’ve forgot to close his doorAs he cranked out those dismal chordsAnd his four walls declared him insane”

136.Dumbest lie you ever told?

“Did you let Haymitch jump on your back again?”

“Uh… noooo.”

“Then why do you have massive scratches in the clear shape of chicken feet on your back?”

“UHHHHHH-”

i”M A HUFFLEPUFF OKAY I’M NOT GOOD AT LYING X’D

128.How tall are you?

I’m not.

140.Brunette or Blonde?

Like, people I’m attracted to, or for me? I honestly don’t care attraction wise. For me, I guess brunette bc I think I look really weird with pale hair lmao.

142.Night or Day?

NIGHT. Dear god, night.

144.Are you a vegetarian?

NOPE. Honestly think I’d go insane if I didn’t eat meat. XD I mean, I would if I had to, but I’d really prefer not to.

146.Tea or Coffee?

TEA. I hate coffee, I’ll leave that to other people. XD

148.Mars or Snickers?

SNICKERS. Mars are good but… Snickers!!!!

150. Do you believe in ghosts?

Hell fucking yes you bet I do pal!!!!!!

[kxlebcross]

multiples of three, please.

oh man i cant believe ur making me do maths at 4:18 am... but here goes nothing! (it’s gonna be long so i put it under a read more)

3. Ever done any drugs? uhhhh... yeah, for a short period yrs ago i had a friend group and with them we smoked weed pretty much every weekend... they did some hard drugs too but i never dared trying those cuz im a lil bitch lmao aaaaand i don’t do that anymore, it’s an expensive hobby to have and i usually waste my drugs money on pc games and ordering food srgsdfg

6. Describe your dream home. probs somewhere in a big city, close to the center because i love being a big city kid.... a mid-sized flat with lots of plants and those neat cat playgrounds mounted on the wall because i plan on having at least 4 cats in the future asdsd and i’d love to have a bigger balcony which i could transform into a little jungle and hand a hammock there and just chill and listen to the city’s noises at night when i can’t sleep

9. Do you watch porn? you may not believe but i actually don’t sdgsdfg the horny teen phase is over for me, if i wanna interact with anything pornographic i just read fanfiction dfgsdfgsf

12. What’s one of your fantasies? i hope it’s not supposed to be an erotic one lmao but i really wanna go on a road trip through europe, just pack up my shit and drive around, also i wanna visit haunted places all around england and get into the gaming business as a game translator/tester eventually

15. Are you in a relationship? thank god not anymore... and honestly i don’t miss it anymore, all of my previous ones were disasters and ended in a really ugly manner so.. no, i’m all good with my cat

18. What tattoos do you want? i don’t have specific plans for motives - though i’d really like a kitsune mask somewhere and a moon and one song quote. i’d like to have my whole left sleeve done, maybe part of my back, a half sleeve on my right hand and something smaller on my ankle - and i’m actually open to anything the tattooists would pick out; i care more about who’s gonna create my tattoo than what’s it gonna be, as my actually existing 2 tattoos r also premade, randomly picked out ones (though they accidentally matched up in some way and look pretty neat imo)

21. Describe your best friend. that’s a hard one.... i don’t think i have one anymore. i used to have this girl in my life, M, who i was really close to, but we had a fallout in october and she never came around to fix this even though i was open to the idea... so i lost my best friend, which is kinda sad considering that she was the only person i could open up to in the last 3 yrs. but hey that happens! i moved on and have a close friend still so im all good.

24. What are three places you want to travel? i really wanna visit scotland! it has this specific atmosphere i really long to experience, and i wanna see the landmarks and grassy fields and loch ness and haunted places and just roam around there for a while. i also wanna see moscow - it’s been sort of an obsession of mine since reading glukhovsky’s metro series, and also it’s a beautiful city worth visiting. i’d also like to get on the trans-siberian express but that’s not a specific place dsfsgdf the last place would be the aokigahara forest in japan - also one of the places i feel drawn to for ages now. found out about it years ago and since it’s been sort of a plan of mine to visit one time. if i manage to graduate university my mum promised to send me on a trip to japan - so if it works out, ill be on my way there baby! (i just need to work on my language skills first sasdfgf)

27. What’s your pet peeve? loud breathing, loud chewing... generally people being loud and annoying. ppl not covering their mouths while coughing. ppl who walk super slowly and take up all of the walkway like FUCK OFF OF MY WAY GODDAMMIT. in games when the npc walks a lot slower than ur running, but walking a lot faster than ur walking so its impossible to keep up with them. ppl not using headphones in public spaces. old ppl demanding respect when they treat u like shit. ppl forcing their religion on u (im looking at u auntie). ppl slurping their drinks. couples almost f*cking each other in public places... just get a room smh

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message. oh i don’t need to tag them cuz i already got over that shyness and they totes know already that i wanted to talk to them for a while! (i admitted to it in the tackiest, cheesiest, most awkward anon ask i ever sent in to anyone sdfgsdf)

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like? pretty much the same as now, all black and flannels and jeans, cuz i rly thing that major clothes shopping sprees r a waste of money sdfdf but i’d probably own a lot lot more shoes like custom made cat patterned vans and some more nikes and some creepers cuz i wanted to get some of those for like yrs now dfgdfg

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? uhhhh... kind of? not romantic ones tho, i just miss the long talks and the trust and understanding between us. i never got the closure i needed to move on and it still left some bad feelings towards her so its a weird mix of resentment and sympathy, and i try to not think abt it too much.

39. Are you a virgin? hahahahahahahahah, no, really. 

42. Describe the hottest person you know. the hottest person i personally know is one of the ppl i used to be on my universitys e-sport team on with dfasd i always had a weak spot for ppl taller than me and hes literally model material with nice cheekbones and the perfect jawline and the best sense of humor ever. though he’s a widowmaker main in overwatch and thats a big big minus for him :(

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on? lmaooooo thats a funny one listen up... so i was fresh out of breakup and wanted to make some friends.... wait for it.... ON TINDER. i live in an university town so i was like kewl imma make some ppl my age (until then all of my friends were A LOT older than me) and have some friends and if romance happens then it happens, w/e. so i set up this bar night with this one guy, i believe his name was David? so David and i meet up for drinks, i grab a gintonic and we sit down to talk... what he never knew abt me is that i am on the adhd spectrum and i have to get my hands busy with smth so i can focus on what im saying otherwise my thoughs r all over the place. so im casually keeping my hands busy with just spinning my locked phone there and back, or just  messing around with the lime slice on my glass and at a random moment David goes like “u know.... i hate when ppl cant stop messing around with their phone” and im like ????? dude im literally just spinning it, not even messaging anyone or unlocking it or shit. and he goes on this rant that he always expects ppl to pay full attention to him when talking, looking at him (i never look ppl in the eyes cuz i tend to just go into panic mode from long eye contact and also i think its creepy to just stare at someone constantly) and just not doing anything else except paying attention to him so i go on explaining to him that i need to keep myself busy and im not doing it to annoy him - but he keeps on insisting so i excuse myself to a cigarette (he also hated smokers lmao) and call the widowmaker main friend from the previous question and am like “hey man i have the worst date of my life can u be at this place in 40 minutes and then we hit the night life” and hes like fine so i go back to David and tell him “sorry mate i just remembered i have my last bus home in 30 minutes and the next one is in 1,5 hrs and i really cant stay out that late so can we wrap this up and schedule an other meeting some other time” and hes like fine... got me to the bus stop, i sat on the bus.... got off at the next bus stop, met up with widowmaker main guy and went out for drinks and decided to never go on tinder dates again sdfgsdfg

48. Describe your ideal partner. thats a hard one, hey! but i dont think i have an ideal, guess ill work with anyone whos a decent human being who wont require me to be the housemaid and cook and clean and do everything for them. oh and they totally need to know how to use a washing machine... one of my exes was incapable of this (and here i was thinking that in 2018 ppl saw a washing machine already... looks like i was wrong and im still not over that incident 2 yrs ago). oh and they gotta be fine with the idea of never having kids cuz theres no way im putting myself through raising one of those, im a man of career and money, totally not responsible enough to raise another living human being sdsdgdf

[april6rain]

A brief history on my journey so far

Why am a boy and not a girl? this is a question I have asked myself since the ages of around four. It has taken me almost 40 years to finally come to terms and finally accept the truth, I do not regret the amount it has taken but ‘yes’ doing this in your 20’s is far better, and I would be lying if they were not a little jealousy of young trans women nowadays. But having my daughter when I was in my late 30’s is why I will never truly regret doing this later in life as I love my daughter with all my heart, I could not imagine life without her which would have happened if I had done this sooner.

I have a few early memories, but all of them were shaped by my farther because even by 4 year old I knew it was not acceptable to be gay, queer or a puff in our house and transgender was not even a word back then, my dad was extremely homophobic and the rest which would result in him shouting at the TV or paper in disgust at people he knew or suspected, in later years he has mellowed along with the rest of the country but them early years he had already set in stone my stubborn determination to keep my true feelings deeply, deeply buried and under lock and key far from anyone.

My brother later came out as gay but this came after years of self-harm and self-abuse which I do think was down to all of us around him, I was far innocent in this and acted like the rest only my mother was accepting I’d grown up thinking behaving this way would for one hide the real me and was also I think an approval thing to show my Dad I was just like him. I am so deeply ashamed of myself now looking back, it was horrible for my brother and I was one of the ones who was horrible with him. He forgives me, but I don’t think I will ever forgive myself I do love him very much.

My earliest memory is before I started infant school I was constantly looking through my mum’s catalogues and I was always look at the girls’ clothing section and ask my mum for girls’ clothes. This got worse when I had just started junior and infant school and I would break down crying when my mother dressed me, it felt wrong to be putting trousers on and I wanted to wear a dress and look pretty like the rest of the girls! I did act out a lot in junior school and by the time I left I was the typical horrible boy this was just my coping mechanism and protection at that young age Id already learnt to hide myself, the 70/80’s was no place nice for anyone in the LGBT spectrum especially in a small Yorkshire village.

I do remember day dreaming or talking to myself at bedtime hoping a fairy, genie or even God would grant me one wish and not the usual three as I was not greedy, just one the one as I only wanted one thing – to wake up and be a girl.

It got to a stage where I can remember being in the doctors with my mum and she was talking to him about my apparent love of everything girly, I cannot remember the conversation word for word except the doctors answer which was “don’t worry, this is a phase, a lot of young boys go through this and it will pass with time” this reassured my mum and when we got home I remember my dad’s reply to the doctors news – “GOOD, WE ARE HAVING NO PUFF’S IN THIS HOUSE!!!”

By the time I got to high school I found it really tough seeing the girls turn into young women, I wanted to hang out with the girls and be one of the girls, have nice hair, experimenting with makeup and clothes but I had to keep my distance I already received a daily bullying and if I ever gave this away it would have been horrendous. Instead I reverted to the horrible boy that was more horrible out of jealousy and fear than anything else. My body was developing the wrong way and puberty was extremely difficult, my bum fluth arrived late and for a few months I had even thought my body had dodged a bullet or was listening to my sub conscious, but it did come in the end and the damage was done.

I have to say I hated high school, it was a horrible place and I don’t have any good memories of the place, it still makes me shudder when I drive past it.

All through my younger years I would dress in my mums’ clothes and use her make up as soon as a opportunity arose and I am pretty sure she knew this was going on! As she would question me sometimes.  This went on till I was in my 20’s till her smaller clothes would no longer fit me and then I started building my own wardrobe up ordering from catalogues but by the time I hit my 30’s I threw everything out and vowed to be only a man and never go down this road again.

It gave me great relief and I would feel normal for some time but then I would criticize myself and mentally torture myself calling my self weird, crazy, telling myself they were something wrong with me. It really was just self-shaming and mental abuse to myself leaving me deeply ashamed which would then leave me free till the next wave/ attack came. They was still no real online shopping so getting a size 9 heel was pretty tough or even getting any women’s shoe in size 9 and this played a big part in my decisions as what’s the point of a pretty dress without the amazing shoes to match, getting rid of everything was  heart breaking and costly but I knew at the time I had to force myself to be what people or even me at the time thought and that was normal.

I had no confidence, no self-worth or belief and I hated my body, I hated my plumbing assigned at birth, I hated men’s clothes, I hated body hair, I hated everything to do with a man’s world. But now I was determined to be one.

My feminine feelings came in what I would describe as waves or attacks in which could hit me from days, weeks or even months apart in which I would feel the need to express my female side these feelings can be so intense and very hard to cope with.

During my  late 20’s and all threw my 30’s I never dressed in women’s clothes or wore make up, when I would get my waves I would just hit the bar and drink and drugs and play computer games these had become my coping mechanism, when really bad I would just isolate myself from the world and slip into deep depression but then during my late 30’s I met my wife and we had a beautiful baby girl which also took my mind off other things, this without doubt was the highlight of my life so far and I am absolutely dedicated to my family. Having my daughter also sorted my drinking out and now I usually set aside one night a month for a good drink and the drugs went away in my early 30’s.

My inner feelings were still there and would come in the waves but I managed to force these down and away but when I hit my 40’s something changed the waves were gone but now my feminine feeling and thoughts were full time 24/7 from as soon as I woke till I went to my sleepless bed it was on my mind all the time and I could not get rid of it.

During a Christmas party at the my daughters school I saw her being really shy and very reserved in that moment I started crying, I could see the effect this was having on me and my daughter and there and then in that moment I realised I had become moody, withdrawn and just plain miserable, the crying turned into uncontrollable sobbing at not being a good partner or parent and I vowed there and then to address this issue once and for all, not just for my sake but my families as well. The magician stared at me like I was some crazy.

Admitting to myself that I was transgender was like getting the world lifted off my shoulders and I was euphoric at being able to do this, it really was a liberating experience and for a time I was at peace with myself after years and years of turmoil. I followed this with telling my wife and then my GP who was pretty supportive and understanding who then in turn referred me to Leeds GIC straight away.

I can’t thank my doctor enough, she has been so supportive, and I am eternally grateful, she has probably saved my life.

Here I am 3 years later, 1 Gic appointment down with the second fast approaching…………