#but god damn can’t people find characters unattractive AND interesting?

[a-drama-addict]

People generally care more about characters that they’re attracted to. a tag on my BEAUTIFUL post that breached containment. tag that makes me think i’m more interesting than everyone else

[spooky-luvur]

Could y'all write an Arthur fic with the reader being a fan and got sucked into the game and kinda mouthed off to colm and gets himself captured :O

This was really fun lol

———

“Well,”

You turn in circles, putting your hands on your hips. “At least I don’t have to worry about taxes.”

The people in town stare, obviously, and whisper, but they don’t point and they don’t yell or do something else mean someone from modern day Detroit would do. You’re not exactly blending in with your current clothes.

But really...what the fuck? Last thing you remember is turning the gaming console off, taking a shower, then you think you hit your head when you stumbled but it definitely wasn’t hard enough to send you through time???

You reach the edge of the dusty town and pause, looking over the vast land. Nice fields. No factories in sight. You try to remember every little detail...sat on the left side of the couch...used the controller to turn the console on...picked the game-

...

Oh shit.

Of course.

You were playing the second Red Dead Redemption.

Balls, how in the-!

It’s fine, it’s fine. This is cool, actually.

You don’t bother to hide your grin and unbelieving laugh, raking your hands through your hair. This is cool as shit! You were so interested in the 19-20th century anyway and to be *living* in it?! Damn. But we’re you just in the century, or was I in the game too?

You turn back to the small town and take a good look around, eyes falling onto a large white parlor house. It’s Rhodes! Incredible. Excited like a little kid on Christmas, you hurriedly make your way back into town, taking everything in and spinning in circles like some lunatic.

The general store, the gun shop with that guy locked in the basement- wait a minute.

When in the game was it? If you were magically set in Rhodes wouldn’t that mean the gang was at the camp by the lake? What’s it called, Clemens Point? Clement? But you didn’t really know how to get there from here, and even if you did somehow manage to find it, you’d likely be shot on sight. But you’re inside your favorite game. It only makes sense you’d want to meet and bond with the main characters.

With a stomach full of butterflies, you set off onto the road leading out of town, hoping to stumble upon something- or someone.

———

God, it was hot. Why was it so hot? Damn sun, making me all sweaty and gross. Don’t you have better things to do?

Pulling at your collar, you stop to rest for a few minutes, surrounded by the tall trees. Okay, there’s the water, the stones, old dilapidated church or whatever that is, the sound of a gun cocking, the nice breeze- wait.

“Put your hands up, boy.”

Great. Great. Great. You put your hands up by your head, mentally cursing yourself and everyone who’s ever existed. You didn’t know that voice and that voice didn’t know you.

“You got any cash? Jewelry? Guns?”

“No, I don’t. I got nothing.”

“Bullshit, turn around!”

Slowly turning, you’re met with the barrel of a gun and a very rowdy-looking man. Two other men with guns also pointed at you are a few feet behind him.

“I know you got somethin, your clothes are reeeeeal fancy mister.”

“You can check, but I ain’t got nothin, mister.” Yeah. That’s right. You tried to make yourself sound more cowboy-y, and by the looks of it, he bought it. He did look kinda dumb. No offense, cowboy. Or whatever you were.

The dirty man scoffs. “You ain’t-“

“Come on now boy, it wouldn’t be smart to hide things from us now would it?”

Another guy? Damn, was he hot at least- ohhhhhh. Ohhhhh shit. Oh shit oh shit.

Colm O’Driscoll stares you right in the face, a small, evil smirk on his own. Ugly fucker.

“We’ll ask you again, friend. Do you got anything?”

“I said no damnit! God do your looks match your brain?? Horrible?? Well that wasn’t a very good insult but damn you fugly!!”

The men glance at each other white you babble on.

“My grandpa looks finer than you and he’s dust! Ha! Musty motherfucker- you look like my foot!”

“Enough outta you!”

Colm O’Dick grabs you by the front of your collar and yanks you forward, pushing you onto the dirt.

“Tie him up and bring him back. Maybe we’ll cut out that dirty little tongue of his.”

Damn.

———

Ugh, shit.

The throbbing in your head blurs your vision for several moments. When you finally blink it away, you whine and hang your head from the numerous spots of pain blooming all over your body. Hanging from your bloodied worth’s in just your underwear, feet barley brushing the dirt-covered floor. You remember what happened last night. They beat you, burned you, poked and prodded, nearly poisoned you if Colm hadn’t stopped them, saying something like “it would kill him too quick.”

Damn, if this was how it was always gonna be, you wanted to go back home.

You didn’t know what time it was. Or if it was any more than just a day. You were in some kind of cracked stone walled, rat shit covered basement. A single candle is lit on the blood stained table with a variety of things that make you go ‘ouch.’

Using nearly all your strength to lift your head, you try to find a door or something else you could crawl through. There’s a moldy door in front of you. Seemingly unlocked.

“God, I can’t get down,” you mumble, nearly out of hope. This was supposed to be your story! Your special adventure! Filled with love and drama and literally anything but you getting tortured by men who stink like piss!

The door suddenly starts clicking, and you squeeze your eyes shut the best you can. Was it the dirty men? Or your hero? Heroine? A crazy hermit? The door swings aside, making you cautiously crack your heavy eyes open. Oh please be hot please be hot please be-

“Hey! They got someone!”

Hot.

Your jaw nearly embarrassingly falls open as a man in a pretty blue shirt puts his gun down and pulls out a knife. Hot murder man? Yes please-

“You a prisoner?”

“Sure,” is all you manage.

The man comes closer to cut the ropes suspending you and yes, like in the movies, you can’t really hold yourself up therefore fall forward again the chest of the wow you’re buff.

“You alright, boy?”

Call me that again please.

“Fine, fine.”

Hands gripping the sleeves of the pretty blue shirt, your lift your head to see your hunk of a hero, only to come face-to-face the Arthur fucking Morgan.

Of course, that’s when you pass out.

———

“Is he dead?”

“What? No Jack, he ain’t dead.”

“But he’s all bloody.”

“Damn O’Driscoll’s. He’s just a boy. Lenny’s age.”

You’re like, 23 thank you very much.

“What’re we supposed to do with him?”

“He’s nearly dead, we gotta keep him here for now. Now shoo! All you got chores! Get!”

Something warm and wet yet scratchy is dabbed onto your forehead and a few spots around your face, making you sigh lightly.

Your eyes felt like heavy weights, but you eventually got them open. You wanted to see what was going on really badly.

A Susan Grimshaw. In your face.

Your eyes widen only barely and a very unattractive noise sounding like a confused cat escaped your mouth. The old woman’s brow furrows.

“Hush, boy. I ain’t hurting you.”

Blinking, you look around without moving your head. You were in a tent, on a cot, in your underwear, a random shirt that went past your butt, I’m keeping this forever, and your body hurt very much.

“I’m alright, ma’am,” you look into Grimshaw’s pretty eyes.

She huffs. “Like hell. But fine, you can get up. Nothings broken.”

She leaves the tent, making you slowly swing your bare legs over the side and hoist yourself up, staggering out as well.

“Ugh,” shielding your eyes from the harsh sun, you take a deep breath that makes your chest ache. Welcome to the 19th century, (M/n).

“You’re awake, my boy. How are you feeling?”

It’s too early for this shi-

Never mind it’s never too early for Dutch Van der Linde.

You nod, blinking up at the raven-haired man.

“Just fine, sir. Thank you for saving me. I thought I was a goner.”

“No thanks needed, my boy. I got a sayin’: we shoot fellers as need shooting, save fellers as need saving, and feed ‘em as need feeding. I’m sure we all know, just what you need.”

You really just heard that.

“Oh, I have an idea.���

Dutch laughs, patting your shoulder. “Mr. Pearson! Get this fine boy some food! What’s your name, son?”

“(M/n). (M/n) (L/n).”

“Well Mr. (L/n), do you mind telling us what you were doing all bloody and bruised in Colm O’Driscoll’s basement?” He uses the hand on your shoulder to guide you further to the center of camp.

“I got captured once they realized I didn’t have any money. They beat me good.”

“Yes, well, let’s hope nothing of the sort ever happens again.”

Pearson comes over and places a hot bowl of stew in your shaky hands, nodding at you before heading off.

“Ladies! Would you please help (M/n) get some food in his belly, he’s not too good right now,”

Mary-Beth hurries over, cupping your hands around the bowl to keep it from falling. “Course, Dutch. Come along now...”

———

“Okay, you can do this, come on. You know everything about him! Everything...about...them...”

You shake your head to get rid of the negative thoughts, straightening your back. “Okay, let’s go.”

You keep your eyes locked on Arthur, your target, as you march over to where he’s sitting on his bed, nose buried in his journal. Wow this is really happening-

“Excuse me?”

Way to sound like a 14 year old girl (M/n). Your heart nearly stops once the burly man looks up, blue-green eyes meeting your own. He doesn’t say anything, only stares at you expectingly. You wrong to hands nervously.

“Um...I just wanted to say thank you. For helping me, you know.”

He nods. “You’re welcome.”

You panic, not wanting to lose his attention.

“Dutch said I could stay! With you...er, with the gang! Dutch said I could stay with the gang, they don’t really see me as a threat, so...” your voice trails off.

“Well, that’s great. They’re good people, don’t mess it up.”

“Of course! I’m very grateful, I just...was hoping I could see more of you...?”

No, you definitely weren’t asking him out. Yet.

Arthur looks at you weirdly, before quietly chuckling and turning back to his journal.

“Sure, kid.”

I’m in love.

———

That night, the gang is celebrating a new edition. You weren’t like Kieran. You weren’t nothing bad, neither. Most of them actually trust you already. Thankfully. Those who don’t, weren’t celebrating. Or it was all just an excuse to get blackout drunk

You believed it to be the latter when you left the log by the fire and no one noticed. Everyone kept singing and ‘celebrating.’ Pausing by one of the tents, you slightly duck back behind it. The radio in Dutch’s tent was quietly singing an opera song, and Dutch and Miss Molly O’Shea we’re gently dancing along, gazing into each other’s eyes with the look of the lovers. Good for them. They deserve it. It makes you smile sadly.

You retreat and continue looking around all the tents and everything. Where’s Arthur? He wasn’t at the fire. He’s not in his tent either. Or, wagon. Lean-to? Whatever, but you can’t find him. You circle around the edge of camp for a bit until you find him behind the big tree near the horses.

“Arthur?”

He looks away from the sky and at you.

“Hey, (M/n).”

“Hey Arthur,” you take a few steps closer. “Not a party person?”

He shrugs. “Not tonight, I guess.”

“That’s a shame. I was...hoping you’d might care to dance? With me?”

It takes him a few moments to realize just what you said but once he does, he open his mouth in surprise.

“What?”

You hold out a hand, giving him a mischievous grin.

He shakes his head, looking away for a moment before back at you, pushing himself off the tree.

“What the hell.”

When he takes your hand, it feels like it was meant to be. Where you were meant to be. When you were meant to be! Call you crazy, but with this? Dancing to nearly inaudible music with a fictional cowboy on the outskirts of the camp containing the people that saved you from other fictional outlaws? You never wanted anything more.

[phantomphangphucker]

A Life Of Role Playing Weakness - PhannieMay - Day 14 D & D

Summary: What’s a halfa to do when school is on lockdown and everyone’s bored? Games and trickery.

Most of the class groans as they can tell the sun has set by the room becoming near pitch black. Though pretty well everyone’s glad Mr. Lancer got stuck outside of class, otherwise he would have spent the afternoon making them do school work.

Danny, knowing full well no one else can actually see, finds some candles and sneakily lights them with his fingers. Unfortunately, there’s only three but most of the class seems relieved to have them, “took you long enough Fenton”. Rolling his eyes at Kwan, “like you would have been any faster, at least I was actually doing something”. Danny honestly could have found them way faster but that would have been suspicious. Groaning a bit at the window, though the groan was more aimed at the extreme weather outside, that has caused the school lockdown and blackout. Sure he could technically just leave, but due to the schools' security system, all the doors and windows are sealed shut. The only way out would be to phase out and that would be so many levels beyond suspicious.

Clearly, a couple geeks are tired of Star and Lily bickering, “why don’t we play a game? You know, actually get along? For one night?”.

“Oh why would we do that when it’s more fun to annoy you losers?”, Danny rolls his eyes at Todd, sure he’s not as bad as Dash but still.

Apparently, the geek kid, James, isn’t very impressed either, “I’d rather get destroyed by stupid wind while having fun, than getting mocked by some meathead”. Danny’s not really sure how insulting the guy will get him to play games but whatever.

Deciding to interfere, “what game? Ain’t nobody going to play if no one knows what’s up. And if you say truth or dare even I will mock you”.

“Oh like you even know how to mock someone, Fenton. But yeah whatever, spill”, Danny muffles his snickering because he could out mock this guy easily. Half his fights involved mocking the opponent, eighty percent if it was Vlad.

The other geek kid, Tyler, rummages through his bag and pulls out what looks like a board game, “well, someone made a D & D ghost edition. Because this is Amity, got figures and everything”. Tyler is smirking as even Danny knows that anything ghosts gets pretty much every Amity teens attention. And Danny is honestly so down for this too, he will die if there’s a figure like him in this thing.

Flopping on his back as there is indeed a little crystal clear figure that, while mostly featureless, looks suspiciously like Phantom. Finger gun shooting himself in the head before pointing at the board, while still laying on the ground, “ok, I’m in”. Seems everyone else agrees while looking at the collection of ghostly figures.

Unsurprisingly, pretty well only the geeks know anything about this game. And no one’s interested in long explanations. So they just give a quick run down of classes and alignments. But having to pull out the book and read over it quickly for species, since this was an entirely ghosts and humans version.

Danny snickers, “chaotic good undying warlock suits me I’d say”. Really Danny only picked that because of the undying bit, the joke was there so he had to take it. And chaotic good pretty much was him, no way he could call himself lawful. Not when his very existence was against the laws of nature and reality themselves.

James tosses down a shorthand species sheet, “I’m surprised they actually made so many ghost species, so take your pick”.

Species:

Ghost - versatile but never the strongest

Ghoul - aggressive close and personal fighters

Spirit - gentle divine creatures, usually lawful

Spector - sneaky loners, like to appear highly intelligent.

Poltergeist - aggressive powerful fighters, always evil. Large but often invisible.

Whisp - tricksters but powerful with magic, always chaotic good. Small in size

Wraith - protective, unattractive and often feared by others

Banshee - prophetic strong healers

Phantom - selfless guardians who care for others, always good.

Danny obviously wants to pick the Phantom class but apparently, no gets to be that, as James taps on that class and snickers, “considering this is Amity, Phantom isn’t going to be a playable species otherwise half of you guys will pick that”. Danny sticks out his arms, “oh come on, if anyone should get that species it should be the guy with the same first name!”. A few of the other kids snicker and even James shrugs in amusement but, “can’t just let one person pick it. That would be a dick move”. Danny rolls his eyes but is thoroughly amused, seeing as he’s almost about to graduate and literally no one has figured out who exactly he is, he’s kind of stopped caring about going out of his way to hide shit. Heck, he’s tempted to just randomly clue in his classmates through various absurd means. At least now the government can’t even touch him, they wanted to be on “safe footing” with the ghost king even if they still have no clue who exactly that is. All they know is that he’s frequently in the human world and capable of taking the form of a regular human. Danny’s perfectly content to let them think that ability is unique to the Ghost King.

Shaking his head and looking down to the sheet, Whisp and Wraith are the only ones that stand out to him but trickster is much more in line with himself and would be much more amusing. And he’s not really surprised that no one picks regular ghost, “well Whisp it is for me. A chaotic Whispy Warlock that just can not fucking die already”.

“Dude, that’s not what undying means here”

“No shit, let me have my jokes”, besides undying warlocks get their magic from immortals right? Well this character was made by a damn immortal, given creation and thus power from Phantoms immortal ass.

Lily rolls the weird dice in her fingers, “so what? We roll for stat points now?”. While Rex eyes Danny up and down, “you picked the smallest class but you’re the tallest guy here. Did you just pick everything to be funny?”. Danny smirks wide, not why he picked the species but absolutely. Everything about him is practically one big joke, Hell he’s playing a board game with a bunch of regular humans while pretending to be trapped during a storm. He could literally fly through this weather and it would be fun too. He could also stop it if he really wanted to, use his ice to mess with the weather and air currents; but fucking around that much really wasn’t a good idea.

“Yup, roll three dice. Total stat point of three is the worst you could get, eighteen is the highest. Ten or eleven is the average. All the regular human npc’s are tens”, Danny’s not surprised Todd went with Ghoul. He might not be that big of a guy but man could he ever be an aggressive asshole to pretty much everyone. Speaking of asshole, “Fenton, your turn. What? your brain still fried from that weak little shock?”.

Turning to Todd and answering as he throws dice, “you know I underplayed that shit right? Didn’t want to deal with damn doctors, no way anyone would have let me out of going to the hospital if they had known it was closer to four billion than a hundred volts”. Smirking at Todd, “just for reference, a lightning bolt is around one billion. Your wall socket, that I’m sure you rammed forks into for kicks, is about a hundred and twenty”.

“Ok first off, you suck with dice, second how the hell aren’t you dead then?”, James clearly thinks Danny’s bullshitting and the sad thing is, the portal was probably more volts than that. Who knows what the volt readout for the entirety of a dimension colliding inside one tiny body is. Danny finishes rolling as he talks, “I’m not dead? Well, that’s news to me”.

Star elbows him, she’s become oddly friendly even flirty over the past year. Danny’s pretty well positive it’s because of his height and even if he wore baggy clothing pretty well always, if you really looked you could tell he wasn’t scrawny. Star’s got an eye for details so he can’t be too surprised and she’s perfectly fine with dating below her standing, Hell she dated Tucker of all people. “What even happened? Pretty sure you never told anyone”.

Rolling his eyes at her, “no one cared to ask. But if you must know a ghost portal opened up directly on top of me. There’s no real way to know just how much shocked me but I’m pretty sure an entire dimension carries more volts than one lightning bolt”.

Danny’s the only one to notice the straight up shit roll of his last dice as everyone gapes at him. Tyler’s the first to speak up, “you were electrocuted by the ghost zone?! Like all of it?! At once?! You should be a lot more than dead!”. Danny throws his head back and laughs, “what? Dead with a side of extra dead sauce?! Sounds like the perfect breakfast!”. Shaking his head as he continues talking, while catching James staring in bafflement at the dice, “sounds way more edible than those stupid ecto-contaminated Hot Dogs that try to eat you back! Or that damn overcooked turkey that stabbed me with a knife”.

Kwan mouths “what the fuck”, while James points at Danny, “dude, your luck is horrendous. I’m not even sure how you even get the worst stats possible. No wonder a portal opened up on you, I think the universe might actually hate you”, glancing at Danny who has curled up in laughter, “I don’t think it’s quite that funny though”. Danny can’t help but laugh harder, the king of ghosts, the most powerful ghost around, who’s literally worshiped as a god by some; is the weakest and shittiest ghost in this game. Like Boxy could beat this guys ass. That thought makes him laugh even harder. Wiping his eyes a bit and noticing that everyone actually looks slightly concerned know, “trust me, this is utterly hilarious. You just don’t know why! Oh man!”. Wheezing in laughter again, “now watch, the rest of my rolls will be so insanely good that I impossibly succeed at everything my character does”.

Kwan points at him, “with these awful stats you damn well better, otherwise you’re screwed”.

“I think the stats reflect Fenton perfectly. Weak and pathetic!”, Danny really can’t feel insulted because it’s just really funny right now. Todd is clearly not happy that Danny finds this funny instead of insulting, or that Star is mouthing, “are you blind?”, at Todd.

“How can you possibly find being insulted funny?”, comes Rex’s squeaky voice. Danny runs a hand through his hair, “insults are funny when they’re so insanely incorrect that it becomes absurd”.

Todd rolls his eyes at Danny, “you’re a complete weakling and a scaredy cat, just like al-”, Todd cuts himself off as he stares at Danny. Who just tore off his sweater, because this is way too funny. Chances are if he ever gets destroyed, it will be because he couldn’t resist a good joke. Danny smirks a bit as he nonchalantly flexes without doing any dumb poses, because he does have some shame. While everyone just stares at the clearly ripped and heavily scarred weirdest member of the weirdo trio.

“Todd, I could fucking maim you. I could maim the whole damn football team. But that wouldn’t be very good of me, now would it?”, tapping on his character sheet with a sly smirk.

“How the hell do you look like that man? And why don’t you just join the team then? Actually have good social standing?”, Danny can’t really blame Kwan for caring about that sort of thing. After all, being a jock was pretty well the guys' life and he wasn’t burdened with crazy weird responsibilities or power for that matter.

Responding mostly to Todd’s little insults, “I come from a family of ghost hunters, what the hell do you think? That scaredy cat crap is just a cover. Which is rather pointless now, what with graduation coming up and all the teachers not really giving a shit about my crap now”, aggressively pointing his finger at Kwan while the others finish rolling, “I don’t care for sports and my time is better spent elsewhere. Social standing in Highschool means nothing to me”.

Now it’s Tyler’s turn to look incredulously at the stupid powerful halfa, “why are you even telling us this?”.

“Because it’s funny. I picked a jokester species for a reason. I’m a little shit and this is one way I get my kicks. That and no one will believe you if you tell. So it really doesn’t matter. Even if you were believed, it would hardly matter. It’s too late for the school to really do anything and I really am someone of chaos. I will only laugh harder if the whole school starts freaking out”, Danny can tell he’s confusing everyone and that is only making him snickering more. So he takes the chance for first dibs on a figure, a transparent floating skinny man in a hooded robe with his legs crossed. Looks a shit ton like ClockWork, snickering “now if only he had a staff”. This prompts everyone else to realise what he did and to start snatching at figures, while Rex gives him a shy but quizzical look. So Danny decides to be more of a confusing mess to these regular mortals, “he looks like a close friend of mine. And this makes my horrid stats even funnier because my friend is flat out OP. His tricky ass will get a good laugh out of this I’m sure”.

“Uh, humans aren’t really OP, ever, are you friends with a freaking ghost? You’re damn weird enough to be the person who befriends some ghost. And what? You going to talk his ear off about actually hanging out with people other than the two other resident freaks for once?”, Todd’s tone goes from confused questioning to his typical insulting asshole mode. So Danny decides to be a bit of an ass right back, “Todd, my friend is an omniscient borderline god of a ghost. I don’t have to tell him, he already knows and is probably snickering like crazy right now. But of course you don’t believe me, why would you? Which is why he’ll either A, do nothing to make me the butt of a joke. Or B, do something to make you the butt of a joke. That, or he’ll hit me with his staff to do both at once”. Honestly Danny’s kind of looking for approval and pretty well a go-ahead from the master of time here, he’d like to know he’s not majorly fucking up just because he’s having a bit of fun.

Everyone’s staring at him in disbelief and he can tell Todd wants to mock him some more but Danny falling back laughing stops him. Holding the figure, which now has a little tiny glowing CW staff resting across its lap, above his face. Through a laugh, “fucking nice, you enigmatic weirdo”. Sitting back up as he places the figure on the board, “and now he’s got a staff”.

“Nice trick, maybe you can-”, Lily cuts Todd off, “dumb boy, pretty sure he doesn’t carry around mini glowing staff things. No ones that weird”. She’s not wrong, why would someone ever do that anyway? Well, ClockWork might, just to throw them at him. After all, he’s got all the time in the world to mess around, when he can anyway. Just like Danny, though Danny takes way more mess around time.

Tyler shakes his head, “something tells me, we barely know you”. Danny pats Tyler on the shoulder while James actually gets the game started, “so we’re doing this party style, just a dungeon crawl. Get through the city without getting caught by hunters and defeat the ghost king”. This makes Danny cough a bit startled, the goal of this game is for his classmates and him to defeat, himself? Well, he guesses that’s not really a first for him. “Hey, James. Who does this game think the ghost king is?”, everyone looks a bit confused at him. Then James grabs one of the figures, Danny can’t help but laugh at the little knock-off Pariah figure. “Well that’s a damn easy battle currently then! Dude’s locked inside the sarcophagus of forever sleep. So we’re beating up a sleeping man, or releasing him just to fight him. Which is grade A stupid and insane”, waving off their shocked glances, “besides he’s not even the ghost king”.

“Oh and you know who is? We could just swap out if there’s a figure for him. All the figures have set stats for if you’re going to use them as NPC’s”, now Danny’s just flat out interested, because that includes him. Danny motions for the book but James sticks it behind him, “oh Hell no, just tell us who”.

Rolling his eyes, “I’m just going to take the book, dude. I do want I wanna, chaotic and all that”.

“Fenton, he’s literally right across from you. How you plan to do that?”, Todd snickers a bit while James looks smug. Danny decides just fuck it at this point, because really how has no one noticed his crap yet. Using the free-floating ectoplasm in the air to fling the book over Jame’s head and at himself, flipping through it as everyone gapes. “How did you even do that? That’s more than just sleight of hand, holy shit”, Danny blinks at them over the top of the book and snickers, realising none of them actually noticed the slight ghostly glowing. Comparing his and Pariah’s page and damn they made Phantom overpowered. Sure, that’s accurate but, uh, even if everyone had freaky high stats this doesn’t seem winnable. Why the heck put a nearly undefeatable character in a board game? Sure it was accurate to real life but still. Though making Pariah just barely above half Phantoms strength was majorly underestimating the former king. Like insanely so. And did they seriously make a Walker look-alike stronger than Pariah? The tornado “race” too? Putting the book down, “yeah I don’t think we want to do that. The goal here is to actually win right? Not just have everybody’s asses get universally kicked”.

Lily puts her hands on her hips, “just spill already. You satiated your curiosity now do ours”.

Chuckling a bit as he pushes around the figures some, “fine fine, it really should be obvious though”. Smirking as he cups the little knock-off Phantom before slowly placing him at the castle, “our little town hero is a lot busier than he seems”. Literally all of them are grinning, though Star looks a bit confused, “so why do ghosts keep coming here and picking fights with Phantom. If he’s their king shouldn’t they, like, listen to him?”.

“Fighting is how ghosts socialise, know each other, and keep each other from getting rusty. The only way ghosts won't go picking fights with another ghost is if that ghost is hated or extremely annoying to literally everyone. Well, that or just being really dumb and pointless to fight”.

“So what Phantom’s not strong enough to be pointless to fight? Really Fenton”, Danny rolls his eyes at Todd’s unimpressed tone. Shaking his head, “oh the stats this book gives him are accurate. He’s pretty well the most powerful ghost there is. An omnipotent immortal who’s literally worshipped as a god by many other ghosts. All those fights are usually more like sparring matches, he’s having his ghostly fun and keeping in touch with everyone. He’d be so very bored otherwise and the other ghosts wouldn’t want him out of practice in case something happens”.

Todd actually starts laughing at this while James does indeed decide to stick with using knock-off Pariah because damn. Todd points at Danny, “of course Phantom likes hitting and fighting! Regular jock for sure, just with real power”.

“Well I don’t like that. He should be wanting ghosts to not come here, not eagerly, or whatever, awaiting the next fight”, Danny can’t help but jerk from that because dude fuck buddy. He absolutely did look forward to the next fight, fighting and witty batter was his bread and butter. Locking eyes with Tyler, “nearly every ghost awaits their next fight, welcome to ghost nature buddy. Humans go to cafes, ghosts punch each other. Humans show off pictures of their selfies or pets, ghosts show off new weapons by using them on each other. To fight is to socialise. Phantoms one of the few that doesn’t like others in the crossfire though. If ghosts stopped picking fights here, he’d feel unneeded and paranoid. Plus this is his home, ghosts have to come here to see him. Them being here doesn’t mean they’re causing problems”. Tyler still looks unimpressed.

There’s the occasional jokes and pepperings of ghost questions as they play a few turns before Lily has just about enough and finally asks Danny just what the fuck, “how do you even know all this shit? Even your parents, who’ve spent their whole lives researching ghosts, don’t know even half this shit. I would know, I’ve asked”. Danny chuckles, his parents would know this shit if they weren’t so damn biased and actually just asked. Smirking at her, “you learn this stuff by genuinely socialising and being friendly with ghosts. My parents only wish to send them back to the Zone or experiment. Of course, they don’t know”.

“That’s actually kind of sad, still doesn’t answer my main question though. You’re actually fighting ghosts?”, Danny will give her props on being pushy. But he rolls to see if he can avoid this random hunter trap before responding, smirking as it rolls high, “I spar yes, protect the citizens. Toss around witty banter, making Plasmius regret ever meeting me. In general, I’m an OP little shit”, Danny taps on his figure, that’s actually doing well for being an utter weakling, “that’s why this is funny. The strongest most capable person here has the utterly weakest character ever”.

“Capable ghost hunter isn’t a capable ghost, even if you’re a ghost friendly hunter”, Danny can’t help but wheeze. He was just a ghost being a ghost. Half human or not, he was sparing and socialising as a ghost does. Calling him a human hunting ghosts was just so entirely wrong. Smiling with his head in his hand, “I don’t call myself a hunter and neither do they”.

Kwan pushes him playfully, “yeah well, regardless of title, I still can’t believe you even do that. Props man, I guess”.

By the time the party gets to knock-off Pariah, both Lily and some quiet kid named Max have had their characters killed off. Danny’s snickering as his and Tyler’s characters are leading the face off. While James shakes his head and points his hand at the figures, “this is ridiculous even if you had raised your stats the most you possibly could, there’d still be no way to win this”. Danny chuckles because that’s pretty much what the odds were when he did face Pariah. Once again deciding fuck it, “well then let’s make this even more realistic then. I’ll roll to multiply my characters power a hundredfold”. James starts lowkey choking, “what?! How is that realistic?!”. Danny laughs as he rolls, “that’s how Phantom won. Multiplied his power a hundredfold and nearly destroyed himself in the process. This book drastically underestimates Pariah’s power. It took thirteen extremely powerful ancient ghosts just to seal him away, Phantom did it alone. Like the self-sacrificial idiot he is”. Shrugging, “well that and, no one else was even willing to fight Pariah cause he was too damn strong and wasn’t worth fighting”.

Smirking at his die showing a high ass number, while menacingly petting his figure, “having that much power... it’s a burden, isn’t it, child?”. James mouths, “what the fuck”, at both the die and Danny.

While Todd blinks a bit surprised, “Fenton, what? I would never have expected you to sound creepy, threatening, and powerful”. Danny grins wider, “and that’s why no one will believe you about any of this”.

Now, unfortunately, this battle with Pariah requires actually defeating him. No sealing him away, and his character is pathetically weak even at a hundredfold power. He could kick his own ass with his ghost powers completely neutralised. So it really surprised no one that Danny fuckin’ dies.

Snickering down at the figure, “little ragged around the edges, eh, child?”. Before bursting out laughing as the mini staff explodes into purple mist. Todd, Tyler, and Star do wind up surviving and winning though.

“So any other crazy bullshit you feel like pulling. Since we’re officially out of shit to do besides being dicks to each other”, James mutters while lying on the floor. Todd snickers, “I’m cool with that”. Danny rolls his eyes, “now-now, would you act like that in front of Phantom?”. Both Star and Todd shake their heads rapidly, only Todd speaks though, “why the hell would I? That guy’s like super moral, I’d be making a horrible impression”. Danny can’t help but laugh, yeah he’s definitely got strong morals but he’s also a little shit. He steals, pulls pranks, constantly breaks into to pretty much everywhere, and spends most of his time pounding the crap out of someone. Good reasons or no, he’s ain’t a golden boy. Just the good guy who generally plays fast and loose with morality... and mortality. Smirking at Todd, “it’s a little late to change his impression of you, I’d say. You’ve literally punched him in the face, multiple times actually”, Danny sneers mockingly but still humorously, at Todd looking startled, “oh what? Didn’t know Phantom can change into a regular human?”. Throwing his head back and laughing loudly, “funny thing! The town barely knows Phantom”. Danny sighs as his ghost sense goes off and well, surprise surprise, his icy breath also glows. Knowing full well it’s Skulker, who really is more of a threat, he has a bad tendency to abduct people after all.

“What the fuck was that?”, Danny completely ignores Tyler, though he does talk, “the town also barely knows Fenton. So you’re right about that, but looks like I’ve got a job to do. Guess Skulker doesn’t really care about the shit weather, but then again, neither do I. Flying in the wind is hella fun”. Smirking as his toxic green eyes fill the room with an eerie ghostly light, “anyways this has been quite amusing and like I said, I’m a little overpowered shit. And ain’t nobody gonna believe you”. Before transforming and phasing out the window.

“Fenton, Phantom. We are all idiots, holy shit”

End.

[amazildoessomethingstupid]

Chapter 100: High Expectations

Alright, this time for real. We’re going to be diving into Chapter 100: High Expectations.  Which is fairly ironic given how my sources on the recent chapters actually didn’t have much to say about this chapter.  Which hasn’t been an actual thing since Chapter 96: Unspoken Rule. So contrary to the title of the chapter, I actually have no real expectations going into this thing, which means this is either going to be really boring and uninteresting, or…

Taeshi can do what Taeshi does best.

In either case, we start with the now ever-present Moody Mike.  Upset about his burnt to atomic ashes relationship with Lucy, his completely absent shell of a relationship with Sandy and more.  Actually now that I think about it, that’s something I haven’t really gotten into with these rants.  NEW MIKE! I guess I never felt the need to since Moody Mike has been a mainstay for a while long before these recent chapters, and it seems that for the most part the chapters seemed to be more focused on Paulo, Daisy, Abbey, and occasionally Mike.  And in the chapters where it was centered more around him, there wasn’t much to really comment on with his behavior as it was just Mike being Mike. And often times he’d be skirted off in lieu of shit and characters we actually cared about. Speaking of which,

Daisy nabs Paulo a chocolate pudding from the cafeteria, and I honestly love Paulo in this scene.  It feels like his character in the dialogue, although I will say I have no idea what public school serves shit like this.  I know my high school never had any dessert of any kind. The closest thing to that, would be either stuff you bought from clubs doing sales, or strawberry milk or if you were lucky vanilla milk.  If you switched that pudding for strawberry milk motherfucker, I would actually be Paulo in this situation.  For a highschool teen that shit was the bomb.  Oh and Mike’s being a grouch but who gives a shit.

Of course this leads to some ship baiting between Paulo and Daisy, but I don’t have any problems with it. I think it’s cute, and all but of course

It comes with a bit of stipulation…Hey Abbey did Sue’s actual words of wisdom sink in?  Did you listen?

Guess not.  Oh well, I guess we’re just being reminded that yes Abbey does still resent Paulo, and Paulo is still scared of Abbey.  Anyway, what’s this chapter really about?  Are we going to finally get into Mike’s problem with Sandy?

D’awww look at that.  That is just precious.

Awwww, she thinks she’s an actual character!  Cute, but seriously what’s this chapter about?

Oh, we’re actually staying on this subject?  Fuck, alright then. Let’s go Abbey, tell us again about how you feel like we haven’t heard it before.  I’m sure even though Susan hasn’t gotten through to you, and neither has Daisy, I’m sure that Jasmine will be the one to finally reach you! (also, I just realized that hand is a bit too detailed for the style now that I’m looking at it, it’s like it’s someone else’s hand there it’s so jarring)

Yes, Abbey.  Because everyone else is able to build their opinions based on contextual knowledge about both Paulo and Daisy, and are able to have empathy for both parties and see the good and the flaws in Paulo to realize that he’s not that bad of a person, and people who want to say that he’s nothing but a selfish womanizing idiot either don’t understand the nuance of his character, or are purposefully ignoring the actual good of his character not only in recent chapters with his pussification, but also his supportive and defensive nature towards loved ones in earlier volumes.

Well holy shit, Jasmine color me surprised.  You said something in-line to building your character!  It’s almost as if, you having been in a relationship with Paulo understand that he’s more than what others like Abbey see in him!  He’s more than just a flirt, he’s not that fucking bad.  IN FACT!

I am legitimately happy about Jasmine’s character in this scene.  She’s putting her foot down, she’s showing how supporting she can be, but also holding to her own strong morals.  Abbey on the other hand is still acting like a little bitch boy who’s upset he can’t have it his way.

Then you’re what?

I would’ve gone with “hypocrite” but all very good answers. I’m very proud of all of you.

Trying to force your loved ones to turn their back on someone they also care about, and making the situation worse by judging them for making their own decisions on who they hang out with on the other hand… Yeah that’s kind of a bad thing to do.  Especially since, I…

Don’t actually remember much about Abbey ever really supporting Daisy in what she does…  Like we’re hammered over the head about how Daisy is helping Abbey, going to therapy, taking his side, going to bat for him. But I’m not sure about Abbey doing similar for her.  Like, when did Abbey go to Daisy’s cheer meets?  Or try to get himself involved with things she loves?  I mean, did Abbey even know that Daisy was interested in that author dude at the convention?  Did Abbey ever take notice to what Daisy wants?  Did he ever really shush out her insecurities about feeling unattractive outside of just being there?  

I just realized, there’s a question we’ve been missing this entire time…Was Abbey ever really a good boyfriend for Daisy? Huh…I may have to think about this one.

Anyway, Jasmine talks some sense into the boy, and like I said she shows how she can be supportive and understanding.  And also

Yeeeaah… Uhhh…  I really want to get into that “breakup” but I feel that’d be too long of an aside.  Imma just put it on the backburner and let you finish.

But yeah, Jasmine ends up making a good case for Paulo, and I find it very nice honestly!  It’s a very good reprive from the bullshit anger she had towards Paulo back in the Garbage Pick Up chapter.  It is kind of wishy washy how she goes back to being like “Oh yeah, Paulo’s not a bad person and doesn’t deserve so much hatred.” After how she badmouthed him before, but that badmouthing in itself was bullshit so it kind of counters out and I’ll take it if it means that Jasmine can be her own fucking person with her own fucking opinions based on her own experience now.  Although she still retains a bit of her cocksleeve status, as Abbey accepts this and it seems that NOW he’s starting to get the message.  I guess he has no choice, if he gives Jasmine the same treatment as Susan, or Daisy of disregarding their advice he’d be shit out of luck.  This is the last character who somewhat matters that isn’t in a relationship, Abbey.  Don’t fuck it up.  And before you say Rachel is available now, FUCK YOU SHE DOES NOT DESERVE THAT.  SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN ABBEY.

Anyway, we’re back to the actually important characters and Paulo is freaking out.   Which y’know, is pretty understandable given how Abbey’s lashing out was pretty unprompted and out of nowhere.  So it would make sense for Paulo to think the same would happen. But apparently, Moody Mike is not having it and is insistent on making this chapter about him.  

Oh my god are we doing this? Oh shit, are we trading victim cards here?  First of all, Mike your victim card doesn’t work with that statement because as far as I remember, Lucy never attacked you out of fucking nowhere when you were just hanging out with your friend and doing them a favor.  It was usually because you were being a little annoying prick.  But more importantly, just fucking stop with that okay?  This isn’t fucking Yu-Gi-Oh, you shouldn’t use your fucking victim card as a fucking excuse for being an uncaring asshole to your friends’ problems.  Which is especially infuriating given how when Paulo was assaulted,

You were the first person who showed actual genuine concern for Paulo after being assaulted.  And it seemed you continued to do so, with your friendship with him being strengthened and finding common ground!  But oh, nope can’t have that because now you’re having a bad time and oh no Sandy’s not giving you attention, so you need to be bitchy to everyone else so they can give you attention.  Oh boy!  Mike, I have noticed how I’ve been very light on you in these recent chapters.  So thank you.  Thank you for giving me this opportunity to finally show some o dat good ol’ Mike hate!

And it seems that this turn of character is not lost on Paulo too!  And I gotta say, I hate how Paulo had been turned to a more passive character.  But oh my god, this shit right here.  

Mwah, that’s the good shit. Oh Paulo, you absolute mad lad I applaud you in actually making valid points towards Mike and calling him out for his bullshit.  

Things start to get heated, as Paulo snatches Mike’s phone to get his attention so he can finally talk about what the fuck his problem is.  And oh man, that fucking burn.  OOF damn Paulo you are savage.  However, Mike brings up a good counterpoint.

Jesus Christ, Mike you were not kidding!  And to top it off, Mike’s using his fucking levitation powers to bring the smackdown too! He’s not even standing on a chair or anything, this man is going full Carrie mode!

Anyway, Mike storms away from the table and… I just realized something again.  Weren’t Rachel, Madison, Jess and Matt also at the table? Wouldn’t they have a few things to say about this situation? (actually now that I think about it I don’t think I’d like to hear Madison chime in with her usual demeanor on this situation) but for real where are they?  We set that up in Table for One, but I just realized it’s never actually been utilized for anything.  Did they just leave after Paulo and Rachel broke up?  What a pointless plot point, that only lasted for one day.  Anyway, at least we’re getting into what this chapter’s actually about I guess…What is this chapter about?

Oh shit, are we getting a resurgence of Sue?!  Between this and the birthday party, Sue is finally being the character she’s supposed to be!  Praise be! And look!

She’s showing off her character!  She cares, she’s trying to be proactive, she’s being a fucking character again! Yes!  These are good talking points!  Work it out!  Give me more!

Oh you blue balling piece of shit.  How dare you deny me the rare Good Sue.  Fine then, we’ll focus on Paulo, what’s he doing now?

Running away in a panic, alright then… I’m glad I’m missing out on an actual straight talk between a sensible Sue and Moody Mike for this.  Whatever, where are you going with this?

Okay, he passes by Abbey who is seemingly happier now with his new friends.  An obvious punch to make Paulo feel guilty about Abbey.  Whatever, we’re not focusing on that.  Where are we going?  Is Paulo going to the nurse or something?  Actually, y’know what?  Where are the student aids?  Like, when I went to high school I remember you couldn’t pass two halls without bumping into an adult student aid who was watching the kids for this kind of shit. Where are the student aids?  Or the On-Campus-Officers?  Was my rinky dink coconut public high school somehow more well-equipped than this high school that apparently can serve DESSERT in the cafeteria?! Where the adults in this situation?!  Where the hell are we going?!

Oh…shit…

Oh no…

OH! OH NOW WE’RE CONTINUING WITH SUE AND MIKE?!  NOW WE’RE DOING THIS SHIT?  WHY?! WHY ARE YOU DOING IT LIKE THIS?! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST FOCUS ON ONE FUCKING THING, YOU WERE DOING SO WELL BEFORE! Oh whatever, if I bitch about the pacing here now we’ll never get out of here.  At least Sue is talking sense, and trying to actually be proactive and figure out what’s wrong.  And I like how it doesn’t take long for her to deduce the problem too.

BAM! OBLIGATORY JANUARY REFERENCE! GET IT IN THERE BABY! WE BEEN LONG OVERDUE!

Anyway, Sue is actually trying to piece things together to try and solve this problem, but Moody Mike has evolved into Defensive December Mike!  The worst Mike of all.  Deflecting and lashing out at everyone else, screaming at people in order fix his problems by not dealing with his problems at all.  Digging into the past bullshit to excuse what’s going on now, guilt tripping people by using the actions he let them get away with as leverage.  This is the sort of Mike that made people hate Mike.

Luckily, Sue just walks away in an honestly pretty somber moment.  Poor Sue, actually trying to help for once but always being shot down and disregarded.  But as Mike lashes out at her again, she drops the mic saying one final thing for Mike to simmer on.

Oh wait, no that was the mic drop from January for Mike.  Where Daisy tells Mike that his negligence towards his own problems has caused a clear divide that can not be tolerated anymore and is driving everyone away. And how it’s unfair for him to force upon his friends to deal with and solve his problems for him.  But for real, what’s the actual ending?

Oop!  Wait, sorry nope that was me again channeling January.  What Sue actually says is!

Well that’s…underwhelming.

Seriously?  “You’re so unpleasant”?  “I can’t let you talk to me this way”?  That’s it?!  That’s all you have to say?  Come on, you were doing so well with Sue in this scene.  All jokes aside, I actually liked her appearance here! I appreciated this scene!  But this is the fucking mic drop?!  This is what Sue says to Mike after getting yelled at, and realizing that he’s gone too far for her to help?  Come on, you can do better than that Taeshi! Anyway, let’s check in on Paulo and Lucy I guess.

Oh boy, look!

See guys?  It’s just like Lacey predicted!  Everyone is so judgy and hating her just because she’s hanging out with Augustus!  See? Lucy was right, an-

I don’t want to hurt anymore… Please stop.

Well I guess we’re not done with the melodrama and shouting, but I will say that Paulo is making sense here. He’s not just deflecting or arguing that this is about something else, like Mike.  

However, it seems that this comic only allows for one person per scene to have a braincell and Paulo is hogging it all.  While Lacey is still being her cold and uncaring self.  Paulo here, while seeming to be the clear aggressor is very clear at least for why he is upset and making good points. Lucy on the other hand is taking the Mike approach and…

Deflecting the problem by making it seem about how it’s Paulo’s problem and not hers anymore because she is wiping her hands clean of her past relationships.  Sure.  Alright guy.

At least Paulo is retaining his one brain cell to see through this bullshit, and call out the problem! Y’know… LIKE HOW HE USED TO BE!  AND HOW HE SHOULD’VE BEEN!  NOT WANTING TO LEAVE A PROBLEM ALONE WHEN HE SEES IT, AND TRY TO ARGUE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!  

But of course, Lacey is Lacey, and Lacey doesn’t care because why should she?  She never cared about Paulo or anyone else’s feelings since her return, and has only done things for her own self interest because that’s her character now I guess.  Whatever. Y’know…if you told me three years ago that in three years I’d end up hating and bashing on Lucy more than Mike…I won’t say I wouldn’t believe you, because I’m cynical enough to believe any bullshit you tell me about what happens in the future of this comic.  But I don’t think I would have been able to take this bullshit.

But in either case, Lucy’s uncaring attitude is starting to make Paulo breakdown, and I find myself siding with Paulo a bit.  I mean, yes she fucking does owe them some fucking answers, or a cursory status update. But of by the end of this page of course it goes back to the shipping which is of course the main purpose of almost all conflicts in BCB.  And we’re reminded again of the carnival chapter when…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

OH GOD!  I PICTURED IT AGAIN!  IT WON’T FUCKIGN LEAVE!  NO! STOP! PLEASE STOP FUCKING BRINGING THAT SHIT UP!  IT DIDN’T HAPPEN IT DIDN’T HAPPEN IT DIDN’T HAPPEN IT’S NOT CANON NOT CANON NOT CANON NOT CANON NOT CANON!

I am right there with you Paulo…

Why does Ms. Vera torture us like this?  Why can’t she just write a main character who is likeable, healthy, and stable, who makes sense?  Why must she tease us with this false idol of a character whom we once loved, cared about, and worshipped?  Were we not good enough?  Have we not suffered enough?  Where did we go wrong?

But finally, finally, Lacey shows some fucking remorse in seeing how her absence, and actions have affected the ones she cared about, as Paulo slinks away a sobbing mess.

Leaving Lacey to stand there, looking at the damage she has done and silently reevaluate where she stands in all of this.  A powerful scene that plants the seed for what should be inner turmoil in Lacey’s character that will no doubt follow her in the future…

Okay, that’s the last fake out I promise.  But for real, the first time I read this scene this ending felt weird.  Like, Paulo slinking away saying “Fuck it, I get it. It’s a lost cause, nevermind you obviously don’t care about how I or anyone feels.” is a very strong note, but it gets undercut by these last two almost pitifully spiteful panels.  It’s like the same problem I had with the previous scene, in that the ending is not as strong as the rest of the scene deserved it to be.  

But even though that is a strong enough note to end on, we are not done yet it seems as Daisy meets up with Paulo again to talk about what just happened.  The subject ends up turning back to Lucy, and Augustus but…

Paulo doesn’t tell Daisy about her hanging out with Augustus.  I guess to save face, and not upset her but honestly I don’t care enough about this to dig too deep.  There’s been 3 big scenes I’ve had to talk about here already, I don’t have the mind to care about this either.  

But anyway, the chapter ends with Paulo denouncing the false prophet Lucy and again setting sail on that Paulo X Daisy ship.   And that is the end.

So all in all, this chapter for what it is, is at least seemingly progressing these conflicts by bringing them to the forefront once more.  We’re again acknowledging Mike’s unstable relationship with Sandy, which has now reached a boiling point.  Lacey has finally had someone stand up and call her out for her flippant and cold nature. And Abbey has seemingly found a new home and is choosing to side with Jasmine to not let Paulo bother him so much.

Now the real question is: Will any of these progressions come up soon, or make a real difference in these characters for the better?

I give this chapter a 4/10. I would go lower, but it has promise and there were good points brought up.  I’d go higher, but it falls on its face at the end a few too many times.  We’ll just have to wait and see where it goes.

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[iamapoopmuffin]

Victims With Numbers

Fandom: Nanbaka/Corpse Party (crossover) Genre: Horror Characters: Hajime Sugoroku, Samon Gokuu, Kiji Mitsuba, Kenshirou Yozakura, Jyugo, Uno, Nico, Rock, Tsukumo, Liang, Upa, Qi, Honey, Trois, Musashi, Sachiko Shinozaki, Ryou Yoshizawa, Yuki Kanno, Tokiko Tsuji, Yoshikazu Yanagihori, Yoshie Shinozaki, Takamine Yanagihori, some OCs to take the role of Kizami later on instead of actual Kizami Includes major character death. Chapter 4 of ?

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Kiji Mitsuba found his gaze pulling upward when he heard the scream, towards the source. Someone upstairs. He took a step towards the door, but didn't leave. A scream like that, when the inmates were scattered all over the place and his own two were god only knew where, was something that definitely needed to be investigated. Well, a scream like that was something that needed to be investigated anyway, someone could be in big trouble, but he couldn't help but think that the voice seemed familiar. If his radio was working, he could at least contact one of the other guards, but every time he had tried to use the damn thing, he'd been met with static and strange, garbled transmissions from unfamiliar sources. Something must have been messing with the signal. He wondered if he would get a better signal from another area. He glanced back over to the two inmates now under his care. They'd woken up in this room together, and he remembered ushering the two minors into a hiding place together during the earthquake before, so he had been with them when they'd fallen. Numbers 25 and 58, if he recalled correctly, were both inmates with significant medical concerns. Their supervisors had to bring the two teenagers to the infirmary on a regular basis and they were both on medication. Kiji didn't know if either of them had any of their needed medicine on them or not, but if not, it would be a big problem.

Number 25 was sat against the teacher's podium, knees drawn to his chest and hands over his ears. He hadn't reacted well to the fall, waking up in a strange place, the screaming or the dead body in the room with them. Number 58 didn't seem as bothered, and was crouched beside him, making sure he was okay. Kiji could already tell getting them to come with him to investigate might be difficult.

"Number 25, are you okay to stand?"

The inmates both looked up at him. "I...think so." The older of the two answered. "I'm not hurt."

"That's good. We need to go check out that scream, make sure whoever it came from is okay."

"No!"

Well, that response wasn't too surprising. "Number 25, we can't stay here. We need to work out where we are, how we got here and how we are going to get out of here. We also need to find everyone else."

"No, we can't go out there!" Kiji looked over at the body in the room, then back to the inmate. It was no wonder he was freaked out. This scene was unnerving to the guard as well. The body in the corner was a teenager themselves, in a school uniform. Obviously murdered. Another thing on his list of tasks would be to alert the proper authorities and ensure a thorough investigation was implemented.

"You don't have to be afraid. I will be with you, and as a Nanba prison guard I'm sure I can face whatever dangers are lurking out there."

58 spoke up, supporting the guard's words. "He's right, Nico. It will be better for us to get moving and get to know our surroundings. We can check the area for any traps or clues as we go, and sticking together is safer than splitting up."

25 shook his head adamantly. He seemed pretty set with the idea that he wouldn't be going.

"Well, I can't leave the two of you here." Kiji told him. "I have a duty towards the two of you, but I also have a duty towards the inmate we heard scream."

58 stood up. "I can go investigate the scream while you stay here with Nico."

"Absolutely not!" Sighing, he just about managed to resist the urge to rub the bridge of his nose in frustration - rubbing off his make-up wouldn't help - and tried to think. The scream had come from just upstairs. If he just took a quick look outside this classroom, he could see if there were stairs leading up nearby. If there was a quick path to the source of the scream, and he could pinpoint it fast enough, he wouldn't leave the inmates alone for that long at all. It would also give him some information about what he was about to face and possibly reassure 25 that they would be fine. "I'll take a look outside." He told the inmates. "I won't go far, and I'll be back in just a few minutes, okay? Stay right here. Do not leave this room unless it's a matter of life or death. Do you understand?"

"We understand, sir." 58 answered obediently. Kiji walked to the door and heard 25 yelling for him to stop as he went. He ignored it and stepped out.

What a gloomy, unattractive place, he thought as he walked through the halls, for now ignoring more dead bodies, all of young people, and walking toward the door at the end of the hall. It was covered in talismans and charms, and wouldn't open when Kiji pulled it. Also at the end of the hall, though, was a corner turn into another hallway. At the end of this one, he could see a staircase leading upwards. Exactly what he needed. There was a large hole in the floor between him and the staircase, but it looked like he could get around it by just entering through the back door of a nearby classroom and exiting out the front. So in the classroom he went, walking a little faster, conscious of how much time this might take and how long those inmates would be left alone in classroom 1-A. As he crossed through the classroom, which was just as unpleasant as 1-A - desks and chairs knocked askew, dust, bugs and dead bodies littering the place - something flared up in the middle of the room. It looked like a floating flame, like demon's fire from ghost legends.

"What on earth...?"

"Earth..." A voice from the flame echoed. "I think this place is far removed from earth. More like hell. A place where we are doomed to suffer until death, and even then..." It, or he, took a shaky breath before continuing in a spiteful tone of voice. "Finally decided to stop shivering with the other two back there, did you? Typical of a grown-up, to go forth on your own and leave the kids behind."

"I will have you know that I left that room to investigate a scream from someone I have a duty of care towards!" Kiji scolded the spirit, frankly offended by what it was implying. "I intend to return to those children as soon as I'm sure he's okay."

"Of course you do." Sneered the spirit. "People like you are so high and mighty, acting like they know what's best and are absolute angels. Well, newsflash, you're not shit! You're just like every other piece of filth who's spent too many years living in our shitty, worthless society! You only look out for number one."

"Get out of my way."

"Why should I? You won't find the man who screamed anyway."

"What do you mean by that?"

The spirit gave a gleeful chuckle. "You don't know how this place works yet, do you? You may all be in the same building, you may all be in the same room, but this hell is separated into different dimensions layered over each other. My friends and I...we could leave notes for each other, but we could never see each other again...and time is warped here. That scream you heard could have happened just now, or it could have happened hours, days or even weeks ago. Or it might not have even happened yet!"

Kiji disliked this spirit. He was getting frustrated, and more time was passing since he had heard that scream. He tried to step around the spirit, but it moved to block his way again. "Move it! I don't care what you say, I have to help my kids!"

"Your 'kids'? Please, your screaming prison inmates are hardly kids. You work at a juvenile detention centre?" It seemed the spirit was only fully aware of the two in classroom 1-A with him. "You're not dressed very appropriately for a prison guard, you know."

"Commenting on my appearance? How petty. My flawless appearance couldn't possibly have a negative impact on my work, however you right now are obstructing a prison officer from performing his duties."

"So arrest me, officer!" The spirit laughed, clearly messing with him. "But okay, I give, I give. I'm being just plain nasty right now, aren't I? I'm sorry. Post-traumatic bitchiness. Here, you know what? Before I died, my friends and I managed to work out some vital information about this place and a possible escape route. I could share that with you."

"You could?" Kiji asked, interested. That would certainly be helpful.

"Sure. Just take a seat and I'll explain everything."

"Why didn't you and your friends use this information to escape?"

"We'd already been here too long. We were starved almost to death, and badly injured. We were too weak to use this information to our best advantage, but you are strong and healthy still."

"Okay. I'll gather the other three here."

"The other three?"

"The two kids in the classroom and the one upstairs."

"No! This is a one time offer!" The spirit insisted. "I don't know how long I can stay manifested for. So make your choice, Mister Guard. Listen now and save yourself, or go on a fruitless search for a man who won't even be there. We all know what would be better for you."

"Are you seriously suggesting I abandon these people?"

"Don't play dumb, Mister Guard. We all know you'd rather survive this ordeal than protect them."

Kiji had had enough. He walked through the spirit, since it wouldn't move aside to let him pass. He hurried to the front door, no longer bothering to keep from looking worried. It had been too long since he heard that scream, so running was completely appropriate at this stage. It very well could have been an emergency, and in an emergency no pace was too fast. Besides, it wasn't like he would slip or stumble. Kiji was an expert at running in stiletto heels without even the slightest wobble, no matter how uneven the ground.

Just as he reached the door, a force hit him straight in the centre of the chest and he was thrown back. He hit the ground hard and rolled gracelessly, landing sprawled out on his front with his head towards the door, one arm trapped under his torso. He gasped for breath, and felt a stabbing pain through his chest. His ribs were shattered from the impact, he was sure of it, and he was sure it wasn't the only fracture that he had sustained. How hard was he just hit? He coughed, and tasted blood. And then the spirit appeared before him again. It was red in colour now. It was forming into something other than fire. A body. A teenage boy.

"You damn corporeals piss me off. Get out of your way? Who the hell do you think you are, you selfish son of a bitch?" Kiji heard an ominous creak, and looked over just in time to see a large cabinet fall on him. He cried out in pain. The cabinet itself was heavy, much heavier than it looked. The weight on his body...he actually doubted Hajime would be able to lift this thing by himself, and people often said he was the strongest guard. Additional to that, it felt like a lot of sharp objects had been on those shelves, and they were now embedded in his back. He could feel himself bleeding badly. "You're a liar." The spirit continued. "You don't care about anyone but yourself. None of you do, and you know what? I'm glad I never got to your age." He saw the spirit move and sit on the cabinet, and felt the pressure increase. He was coughing again, and this time the blood he brought up made it past his lips. God, it hurt so much...he couldn't move, couldn't even struggle against it. "Well, how about this? Each and every one of the inmates you pretend to care so much for, each and every one of your 'kids' is going to die here. They're going to die a painful, horrible death, just like me and all my friends, and they're going to feel the pain of that death for the rest of eternity. They will panic, they will struggle, and they will all die meaningless deaths that no-one, especially not you, could ever do anything about." The spirit was rocking back and forth, shifting his weight on the cabinet as he spoke, and each shift worsened the pain and the damage. "And they won't give you a thought as they die. And that's that." He was kicking one leg cheerfully, happy to see the guard suffer. Kiji gave one last groan as his vision began to grow dark and he felt his consciousness fading. He just hoped the inmates would be okay.

Time passed, and back in classroom 1-A, things had been quiet for a little too long. Nico decided it was time to fill that silence. "That big bird guard's been gone a really long time. I'm getting worried. Should we go looking for him?"

Upa had been meditating by this point, but opened an eye to acknowledge the older boy's words. "He told us to wait here."

"But he's been gone for ages!" There was a loud thump somewhere in the distance, and the unease on Nico's face increased. "What if he's in trouble?"

"Then it's more dangerous out there than he thought. He might be held up because whoever we heard scream has been badly injured, or trapped, and it's taking longer than he expected to help him."

"Then...he'll be right upstairs, right? We can go find him!"

Upa stood with a sigh. "The biggest problem with going to look for him is that he might come back here while we're gone. If he finds we left against his specific instructions, we'll be in big trouble, and if he goes to look for us again, we'll keep missing each other."

"But-"

"We can leave him a message explaining." Upa continued before Nico could argue. "It might not stop him from looking for us himself, but it can signal to others that we've been here. If we find people, we can designate this a meeting room. Others might wait for us or the supervisor here if we leave a message." As he said this, he walked to the chalkboard, looking for something to write with. Preferably chalk, but there wasn't any by the board. The supervisor may have had a pen on him, but obviously that wasn't much use to them now. The body on the other side of the room had a knife sticking out of her ribs, and as a last resort he supposed he could take the knife and carve a message into the teacher's podium. Then again, it was a school girl in a school uniform. There was a bag near the body, presumably her school bag, so there was probably a pen case in there. He opened the bag and started to rifle through the belongings within. Typical school supplies, he supposed. He didn't notice Nico opening the door behind him and step out. He picked out a pen, tore a page from a work book and scrawled a message.

Kiji

Nico was worried about you, so we've gone to find you. If we miss each other on the way back, and if any others from Nanba find this note, we should make this classroom our designated meeting point.

That seemed good enough, and he was pretty sure he got the supervisor's name right. Satisfied, he placed it on the podium and turned to look for Nico. That was when he'd noticed he'd wandered off. "Nico?" He called, stepping into the hall.

"Hey, Master! Come look at this!"

"Don't wander off! We have no idea what we'll be facing here!" Upa followed the voice and found Nico standing at the edge of a large hole in the floor. Down below, he could see the first floor. An entrance hall, with more dead bodies. To the left of the hall was a line of windows, suggesting a room on that side, but the nearest door was clearly not one that led to that room. It was on the same wall, but further behind them and covered in strange charms. It didn’t look like there was any way into the side room at all.

"Wow...that's a long way down."

"The supervisor probably went to find another way around the hole."

"Where do you think we are?"

"I don't know. We'll need to figure that out." Upa went to turn away, deciding to head to the other end of the corridor when a scream pulled his attention back to the staircase on the other side of the hole. He looked over just in time to see a girl run down the stairs. She caught sight of Upa and Nico.

"Help me!" She screamed. "Please, help me!"

Nico stepped toward the hole, but Upa put a hand out to stop him.

"Master?"

There wasn't anything they could do to help from all the way over there. Plus, they didn't know for sure they could trust this girl. Upa didn't want to voice that thought though. She, for all appearances, was a scared teenage girl, about the same age as them, and she was wearing the same uniform as the dead girl back in classroom 1-A. That girl had been murdered, so the murderer was probably after that girl as well, by the looks of things. If, by some nasty twist, it turned out the girls had tried to kill each other, which at this stage he doubted, they could defend themselves from some dishevelled civilian. He pointed down the corridor and called across to the girl.

"We can't help you from here. If someone's chasing you, find somewhere to hide or try and get downstairs, we'll find a way over to you."

"Yeah, don't worry, girl! Injustice will meet my boot!"

The girl gave Nico a weird look, and hesitated for a moment, possibly because she'd noticed how the two boys were dressed. Finally, she nodded and turned to run, but someone else was standing behind her now.

He'd not noticed the little ghost girl appearing, but he assumed that had been what the teenager had been running from. The ghost girl had her hair in pigtails, and a pair of scissors in her hand, and only one eye. The other was just a bloodied socket. Before any of them could react, the ghost had plunged her scissors into the girl's own eye. The resulting scream was horrendously loud, a thing of pure agony as the spirit tried to dig the girl's eye out of its socket. Upa heard Nico gasp, and part of him expected him to run off again, but he didn't. Both of them stayed and helplessly watched the spirit pull the girl's eye out and try and place it in her own empty socket. After deciding the replacement wouldn't fit, it dropped the eye down and left the girl to bleed out.

"That was awful..." Nico breathed.

"The ghost knows where we are." He took Nico's hand and led him away. "Unless you happen to know some very good first aid, there's nothing we can do to help her."

"Could your old man friend help?"

"Qi? He specialises in medicines, not open wounds, but he does have some medical knowledge. He might be able to prolong her life. But he isn't here right now, and I doubt he could keep her alive and safe until we could find her a more qualified doctor."

"If he’s not here, where is he? He was with us back in the game room, with everyone else...where do you think everyone else is?" He didn't respond. He didn't know, after all. He didn't even know where they were. "We'll find them, right, Master?"

"...Right." It was probably wrong to say that, but Upa didn't doubt his words. They would at least find someone, whether they were alive or not. After all, they at least knew Kiji was in the building with them.

[popwasabi]

“Crazy Rich Asians” Review: Support This Movie So I Can Stop Being Angry

Directed by Jon M. Chu

Starring: Constance Wu, Henry Golding, Michelle Yeoh, Gemma Chan, Awkwafina

 “Crazy Rich Asians” might be the first film I’ve ever been nervous about seeing.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust that director Jon M. Chu would properly represent Asian Americans in a way most Hollywood films don’t but I found myself worried not about whether I would like the movie but whether others would. You see, in the theater full of mostly Asian people I saw it with there was a row of five middle-aged white people right in front of me and my mind immediately went to the gutter thinking “will these people laugh at anything that isn’t a stereotype in this movie?”

(White people be all like: “Why do Asians all look the same?”)

Obviously that’s an unfair assumption to make but Hollywood makes it for them all the time. Rarely producing films that give being Asian any nuance or depth beyond being smart, martial arts masters or more infuriatingly submissive enablers of a white protagonist over their own stories.

A part of me didn’t care about enjoying it so long as it made an impression on Hollywood and larger film-going audiences; I needed this film to succeed because it could mean so much more for representation and inclusion down the line.

Luckily, from what it looks like, the film is trending well and in the end managed to warm my cold dead heart with its whimsical rom-com charm, even if parts of it devolved into the predictable.

Based on the bestselling book by Kevin Kwan, “Crazy Rich Asians” follows the story of Rachel Chu as she and her boyfriend Nicholas Young travel to visit his family in Singapore for his brother’s wedding. Unbeknownst to her, Nick hasn’t been completely forthcoming about his family’s lifestyle and as it turns out he is part of the richest family in Southeast Asia. Now Rachel finds herself in a battle to establish herself in front of his matriarchal mother and prove to her that she’s worth it to Nick.

In writing this review over the last few days it’s been very hard to convey how I’ve felt about this film without going on an angry tangent about Asian representation as a whole in popular cinema. It’s pretty much impossible for me not to talk about it so I’m going to try to talk about this as briefly as possible before I get into the film itself and where it stands personally for me.

(Me trying to avoid writing 10,000 words of pent up rage over the first couple drafts..)

There have definitely been better movies to come out, even in recent years, about the Asian/Asian American experience in the west and more than a few starring all Asian casts, writers and directors. Last year’s, much smaller film, “Gook” for instance gets much more personal about race and the ugliness of society.Even as far as comedies go “Seoul Searching” (which is on Netflix) is a funnier more relatable take on the issues and themes raised in this movie.

(Also, if you didn’t know already, Justin Chon is a GREAT actor and needs to be in more movies. Or at least directing them.)

But as many in the media have pointed out already, this is historic in that it’s the first MAJOR film of this kind since “Joy Luck Club” and to finally have a film featuring this type of cast, director and story with big corporate backing is huge for representation whether you find the film underwhelming or not.

Over the last couple years, whitewashing has become a more recognized topical issue in Hollywood than ever before as Asian American audiences are speaking up more loudly about problematic casting and writing choices that Hollywood and apologists find all kinds of excuses for. Despite plenty of evidence to support otherwise that “bankable” stars don’t guarantee box office draws and that Asian Americans are the largest movie-going demographic per-capita in the country, Hollywood still will place relatively unknown white actors in lead roles on huge box office productions (look at the history of Hollywood trying to make Armie Hammer a thing) while simultaneously telling people like myself that people who look like me can’t be mainstream draws.

If for nothing else, cast more Asian Americans because it’s the right thing to do. The representation and inclusion is waaay overdue and if I have to hear “Just make your own movie” or “People from (insert Asian country here) don’t care” one more God damn time I will tear my fucking hair out! Kevin Kwan had to FIGHT to keep the role of Rachel Chu in this movie Asian and Asians from the mainland and Asians in America, or more broadly in the West, don’t have the same lived in experiences. Not even close!

(Me failing often to maintain my decorum in polite company when these topics are brought up...)

One of the weirdest and most shocking revelations I had coming out of this film is that it was one of the only films I could recall seeing an Asian couple engaging with each other romantically in a Hollywood film for more than five minutes at a time ever. That’s. Fucking. Nuts!

I hope that with the commercial and critical success of this movie what’s left of the skeptics will come around finally (especially the ones in Hollywood) and stop with the dismissiveness. They probably won’t but hey maybe it’ll shut them up for a while at least…

(It gets me through this shit...)

Anyways, now that I’m (mostly) done ranting, as far as the movie goes this is a solid date-night romantic comedy that I’m sure everyone regardless of background can enjoy.

“Crazy Rich Asians” is fairly predictable, albeit with some minor twists, but it still manages to tell a story we’re all pretty familiar with in a unique and often dazzling way.

The first thing that pops out immediately about this film is its visuals as the movie displays a wide array of hues and colors that make the cinematography and the literal richness of the plot truly pop. Its visual eye-candy in the best way, even if it comes across as shallow at times, and if nothing else will keep your eyes glued to the screen as the films moves through its lush scenery.

The soundtrack also helps highlight this between the pop songs and Cantonese renditions of them and director Jon Chu does a great job of splicing it all in together with this group of characters and making their performances even brighter through it.

The cast is the true strength of the film, of course, featuring multiple well-known Asian actors and actresses as well as a few newcomers, who I hope breakout in Hollywood through this film. Constance Wu is delightful, sassy and strong-willed as Rachel Chu and helps shed the stereotype of the meek and submissive Asian women in this story by standing up for herself and not hinging her existence on a man, even one she loves. On the other side of things Henry Golding looks every bit like a star in the making and is charming as Nick Young (even if he is a bit of a Gary Stu character) while also smashing stereotypes about asexuality and unattractiveness in Asian men himself. The two of them have great chemistry onscreen and make a very believable romantic couple and it’s hard, even for an eternal cynic like me, to not be like “Awwwww true wuuuuuv” while watching their romance play out.

(*sniff* It’s so extra yet it’s so beautiful ;_;... *sobs at the extra-ness of the romance*)

There’s a hilarious cast of characters who support Wu and Golding alongside them as well. The always enjoyable Awkwafina plays up her role as the funny best friend very well, the Daily Show’s Ronny Chiang gets in some nice quips and Ken Jeong plays the perverted weirdo perfectly.

The indomitable Michele Yeoh does a great job as the menacing matriarch Eleanor Young but manages to keep it from getting too cliché as the writing adds some nice shades of grey to the character. Her love, even if misguided, is well acted alongside Golding and the two make for an interesting mother/son dynamic that I’m sure plenty will be able to relate to.

The real surprise star, and honestly the most interesting part of the story, actually comes from English actress Gemma Chan who plays Nick’s cousin Astrid. The sub plot involving Astrid and her husband sets up a unique and powerful message about the give and take in relationships and its reflection upon femininity and masculinity. Chan puts in a short but nonetheless thoughtful and sincere performance here and I look forward to seeing more of her in the sequel and hopefully other major film productions.

(That look you give when someone tells you a film starring a dozen or so Asian actors and actresses can’t be a huge box office success)

The film doesn’t have many profound things to say otherwise, it’s again a fairly by the numbers rom-com with a heavy dosage of opulence porn and not to mention some problematic elements, but the one message I hope white audiences take from this film, other than everything I mentioned earlier *gets back on soapbox*, comes from Rachel’s mother at the very beginning of the film.

In the lead up to Nick and Rachel’s big Singapore trip Rachel’s mother warns her about what people of the mainland will think of her when they see her. She states that she may look Chinese and speak Cantonese but, pointing to her heart, they see her as American.

This speaks to a lot of what growing up in this country feels like sometimes for us Asian Americans. That despite many of us being three or four generations deep now in this country we’re seen as foreigners and people from “our country” see us the same way. It’s a deep struggle for our identities and the perpetual foreigner syndrome is a real issue for many of us. Yes, as adults it’s easier for us to shake these insults and micro aggressions but that doesn’t mean it’s still not fucking annoying. Hopefully when white film-goers see this scene they begin to understand that we are as much Americans as anyone else and that seemingly harmless but nonetheless insulting comments like “no, where are you really from” need to be done away with.

(”Where are you from?”---->”Oh I’m from LA.”----> “No, I mean where are you from?”---> “Uhhh California?”----> “No where are you really from?”----> “The United States?...”----> “No where are you REALLY from?”--->*me^*)

I won’t stand here and tell you that Asian Americans have had it worse in this country than other minorities but stereotypes and poor cultural representation, or lack thereof, does contribute to a wide array of issues for us and hopefully this film helps hammer away those regressive viewpoints.

TL;DR “Crazy Rich Asians” is a good date movie and, if nothing else, support this movie so I can go on less rants about Hollywood shitting on Asian Americans.

It may be, at least on the surface, a pretty straight forward romantic comedy but its little nuances and unique commentary on this demographic of people (Even if it talks about a small section of it) makes it a film worth supporting.

Hopefully in the future this film will feel pretty ordinary as representation and inclusion become more accessible things for not just Asian Americans but for people of all backgrounds but until then this is a nice, waaaay past-due, coming out party for Asians across this country and abroad.

 VERDICT:

4 out of 5

*Me awaiting the inevitable “Well actually...” comments that’ll come from this review*

[80srockher]

Yuri on Ice Rewatch and Live-Commentary, Episode 1: Easy as Pirozhki!! The Grand Prix Final of Tears

*There are spoilers throughout.  I also make assumptions that anyone reading has already seen the episode or has a grasp of the content.*

Source: http://yurionicescreencaps.tumblr.com

The opening scene is so pretty.  Really sets a tone.  I went in knowing nothing about the anime first go-around, so I found Yuri and Victor’s grow/glow-ups montages interesting.  

This theme song is… not my favorite.  Maybe it’s the French horns?  That and too much synth.  I usually skip over it but want to give it a chance this go-around.

Heh, Victor and his gold blades to match his gold medal.  And his European af haircut.  Can’t remember the last time I saw an American past the age of 12 with bangs. No mistaking him for anything other than Eastern European.

Also, the poster on the left is for Victor, I believe.  Can he pull his leg that high in the air?  Was that featured and I forgot?  I’ll be on the lookout for it.

Also, looks like Jean JACK made it to Sochi and placed third here too, lolz.

Yes, please listen to your coach, Yuri.  Don’t poke the wound.  Stay off the internets.  ESPECIALLY the figure skating internets.  What little I remember from when I used to follow the sport is that it’s dramatic, to put it nicely.

I keep getting distracted by the utter Euro-ness of the Europeans in this show. The cut of Coach Celestino’s suit is so Italian I weep. He’s too smooth.

Yuri’s name tag has his name in Cyrillic as well?  Cute.

My first impression of Yuri was that he looks about 18 and that impression hasn’t changed.  Perhaps it’s the glasses, but he def looks youthful. I’m also someone who’s been accused of looking a decade+ younger than I actually am, so I can sympathize.

Speaking of sympathy – Yuri caved to pressure, binged ate before the competition while mourning his dog, then bombed his first trip to the Grand Prix final.  All in front of his idol.  Damnity damn damn.  Sorry, kid.

Is Cao Bin ever introduced on the show?  Something else I forgot, maybe?

Now, when I first saw this poor child crying in the bathroom, that’s when I knew the series was going to be much different from the light-hearted anime about figure skating I expected.  It got real deep real quick.

Yuri Plisetsky “The Russian Punk”.  Is this something the in-universe media refers to him as?  Because I only recall (JPN) Yuri saying it and only this once.

This screencap is during the scene where the journalist Marooka (sp?) is hassling Yuri about his future plans and instead of answering, Yuri can only stare at someone else’s puppy that reminds him of his dead Vicchan.

This baby is crying. Cry.ing.  This has been a tough day for poor Yuri, overall.

And he talks down to himself so much.  It’s all his fault he caved to pressure. He was an idiot to think he could meet his idol on the same playing field.   He’s come so far and still thinks so little of his accomplishments.

So, I understand this “one year later” is not really accurate, lol.  It’s just the new  year following the previous season.  I was confused initially about a number of soon-to-happen events before Yuri’s mental alter ego cleared it up.

So, per Minako’s voice actress, Yuri really is pronounced YOO-RI.  Cute.

Four Continents is… not a Grand Prix competition?  My figure skating knowledge is all rust now.

LOL, Minako does. Not. Play. And she wears a pinky ring.  My God, that death grip on poor Yuri.

It’s snowing outside the train station when Yuri and Minako leave.  So, it’s not unusual to snow in this region in March, but it’s highly unusual a month or so later. Man, hard to believe Yuri sat around for almost an entire month before the infamous video became viral.  More on that, later.

So, based on everyone’s interactions with Yuri so far, the only person who cares that he didn’t make it to the World Championships is him.  And he should care since he’s worked basically his entire life towards that goal.  But, he doesn’t appear to have let anyone down but himself, though he doesn’t act that way.

So, the fact that the family hot springs is named “Yu-topia”… did that influence Yuri’s name at all, I wonder?

Ha!  I wish I could have recorded the Japanese actor’s voice when he says this line.  He makes Yuri sound so done with it all, lol.  It’s the best.

Ok, so a number of very interesting and entertaining things happen in succession that I don’t feel like screencapping.  No hug between the littlest Katsuki and the senior Katsukis, even though he hasn’t been home in 5 years.  Fascinating. No doubt cultural (I’m guessing) but fascinating.  

Yuri’s mom basically calls Minako a drunk.  To her face. LOL.  But I imagine no one can get mad at this sweet lady.

Minako calls Yuri out on his weight gain in front of God and everybody.  Though, I think it’s more of a matter of his clothes no longer fitting due to said weight gain.  

But, his parents don’t care. Eat more pork cutlet bowls, Yuri! Welcome home!

Vicchan’s shrine is where they also store the unused treadmill.  Want to bet the only person to use it was Yuri?

Then older sis Mari-neechan appears with frosted tips.  I can appreciate a character that doesn’t beat around the bush (a trait she inherited from her mother, I imagine).  Welcome home, Yuri, but don’t sit on your ass.  Start thinking about your next move.    

Actually *loads headcanon* I suspect Mari doesn’t want Yuri to give up on skating.  The longer he stays at home, the more quitting becomes a possibility.

So, the Katsuki family hot springs resort (Inn?  Restaurant?) is the last one standing in town.  Very OT, but I wonder if the hot springs are still an attraction at all and are perhaps, government-owned?  Protected, used by tourists for a fee, perhaps?  I think about things like that.

Having never visited a hot spring, and based on the setting around Minako while she watches the World Championships on TV, it appears to be a place for people to come, soak, and lounge and grab a bite to eat if the mood strikes.  So, the Katsukis wait on people basically all day long.  Gotta be exhausting work.

Yuuuuuko!  The Madonna of Ice Castle Hasetsu!  Yuri’s crush on her is hella cute.

A slight segue to Yuri’s perceived attraction to Yuko and what it could imply about his sexual identity.  Per his labeling of Yuko as a “Madonna,” I figure Yuri considers Yuko untouchable, perhaps even “too good” for him.  Yuko, just like Victor, is “ideal”.  For someone as self-conscious as Yuri, comparing any romantic prospects against his two ideals was probably a convenient excuse not to get *too* close to anyone, male or female.  That being said, he didn’t pursue Yuko.  Alcohol loosened enough of Yuri’s inhibitions to eventually openly flirt with Victor, but this is still an important distinction, IMO.  He pursued one of his ideals (in more ways than one, even going so far as to leave home to in hopes of becoming Victor’s equal) and left the other one behind.

Yuri idealizes/d Yuko, and comes to love Victor.  He’s gay.  Bi, at the least.  

I don’t feel confident in applying any other labels, because I’m a straight.  Yuri could fall under any number of categories as long it they include, IMO, same-sex attraction.

In actuality, Yuko is “introduced” to the audience as Yuri’s straight love interest, but that doesn’t last long.  Cute and clever, show creators.  Cute. And . Clever.

Then we find out, via flashback, a) how adorable they all were when they were little kids and b) Yuko wanted to see Yuri compete against Victor.  Yuko has been a profound influence on Yuri.

So, Victor.  This guy is in a class by himself.  The animators obviously invested a lot of time in his movements.  You can see why he leads the field even at 27.

Also, the creators had the nerve, the audacity, the unmitigated gall to compose an original opera aria for a cartoon.  That was my next indicator that this was more than a cutesy figure skating anime.  

The song really is beautiful, too.  Probably my favorite in the soundtrack.

Who’s the last IRL skater to win 5 consecutive World Championships?  Michelle Kwan, maybe?  Who is Kwan’s male equivalent?  Back then, probably Alexei Yagudin?  May research. May not. 

Anyway, Victor is the Michelle Kwan of YOI-verse lol.

Hmm.  Here come the three brats.  Good God.  Poor Yuko and Takeshi lol.

So sweet to see Yuri’s childhood bully is his biggest fan now.

Sooo, Yuko’s triplets secretly record Yuri’s private performance, post it online (sometime before April 10, when Victor shows up), and things progress rather quickly from there...

Or do they?  It appeared to me that Yuri caught up with Yuko at the rink the same day he returned home.  Did he skate Victor’s routine for her that day, as well, or did it happen later?  Perhaps the triplets waited a few weeks to post the video, or else it took a few weeks to go viral.  Did Yuri turn off his phone for *weeks* to avoid the world?

Maybe he got home on March 30 and then the whole month of April just went to hell for him?  The possibilities...

LOL, I’m so SO mad the title of the video is “Katsuki Yuri TRIED to Skate Victor’s FS Program”. Those brats.

This might be the most unattractive Victor’s ever looked.  Severe close-ups aren’t flattering on anyone.  Welp, down the rabbit hole now.  

So, in the next scene it snows in April which doesn’t stop anyone from stripping naked to bathe in a hot spring, apparently.  Or it just doesn’t stop Victor.

#moneyshot

I like this ending theme much better.  It’s a head-bopper.  The Instagram reel kills me.  

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read through this stream of consciousness!  No idea how long it may take me to get through the rest.  I tip my hat to those who regularly and passionately participate in fandom.  It’s a lot of work!

[ct-hardcase]

Going through the youtube comments on a star wars video about Ninth Sister, take a dive under the cut if you want

I was wondering when I’d bump into people talking about 9sis’s boobs ofc it was in the youtube comments but honestly, I’m delighted to report that the thread also focused on how swole she was because same

“seventh sister is the only one who actually looks female” you are weak as hell and apparently can’t handle a woman who’s a) not fucking human, dude, and b) muscular

“can’t wait to see her in a slave outfit” probably a troll comment, but the sw fandom never ceases to disappoint.

oh thank god, an interesting theory

“she big” same commenter same

“hahah ninth sister versus ben swolo” ninth wins in the swole contest anyhow m8

damn apparently “ninth is killed by maul” is a popular one

“thicc” I mean yeah can’t argue with that logic

“the sjws have ruined star wars” alright everyone I hope you had your shotglasses ready

hey youtube commenter who asked if the inquisitors had to bleed their crystals, I have the exact same question, and I’m glad we’re both burning to have it answered

some shmuck: “why does she look like a dude lmao”

half the responses: “because fuck sjws that’s why”

the other half: “idk man, she’s an alien so that probably helps too and also fuck you women can have muscles”

dear lord, this is the second instance of people calling species/characters they find unattractive asexual that I’ve seen in star wars fandom, and it feels gross

I’m frankly insulted by the implication that Barriss is only Tenth Sister and the only reason I’ll accept it is if it took them a long time to turn her.

@the person who wants to see more of 8bro: BIG FUCKIN MOOD ME TOO

“jar jar of the inquisitors” you come into my house,

oh, it’s because she dares use slang words from time to time

heaven forbid

I’m personally living for American South/Midwest/East Coast Ninth Sister, you can be in your “no fun allowed” corner

reasonable human in the comments: “I like Ninth Sister and I want to find out about the rest of them too :)” 

[ookamikasumi-writer]

Tricks to Tight 'Sneaky' DESCRIPTION

Art by Messa

How would you convey what is happening in this picture? - How would you describe this character? - Her actions? - Her setting? - Her mood?

Getting the IMAGE on Paper

Avoid Simple Nouns: The door, the car, the tree, the house, the sword, the dress, the hat... Write instead: The French doors, the Subaru, the oak, the Victorian cottage... Using a Specific Noun, rather than a simple and vague noun, automatically pops in description.

Adjectives are your Friend!

Adjectives give your objects and locations emotional flavor and impact. The trick is not to over-do it! Moderation - moderation - moderation.

One adjective per Noun: Put in an Adjective -- in addition -- to a specific Noun. The ornate French tapestry, the rusty Subaru, the yellow Victorian cottage.

Two adjectives per Sensation: Sight, Sound, Taste, Texture, Scent - are all perceived through the senses. The glaringly red French doors, the seductively throbbing jazz, the creamy bite of yogurt, the nubby white dishcloth, the pungent musk of wet dog.

The Not-So Dreaded -ly Words.

Every once in a while you will hear someone whine that you shouldn't use words that end in -ly. The "No -ly words!" whiners are usually the same people that say: "Don't use Adjectives!" Think People! How the heck are you supposed to describe something without adjectives? You CAN'T.

The "No -ly Words" rule DOES NOT APPLY to Fiction!

This rule comes from Basic School Grammar - grammar that was intended for NON-fiction, such as Reports and other boring description-less education-related or business-related writing. On the other hand, Fiction THRIVES on description!

Still Feeling Guilty?

If you can find another word that says the same thing without ending in -ly, use it. If you can't, then use what you have and DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

Making the Reader FEEL the Passion You want PASSION? Make the prose PURPLE!

Seriously. Sensually-Descriptive and Erotically-charged words are the key to Romantic and Sexually-charged fiction. If it implies a Sense - sound, taste, sight, texture, scent - you're halfway there!

So, where do you get them there what's-it words? From Trained Professionals: Other Writers. I pulled out my favorite trashy novels and hunted down phrases that really caught my attention and then I made a list of all the PRETTY words.

salacious humor

carnal gratification

languorous bliss

shrieking culmination

disconcerting stimulation

brutal carnal rapture

exquisite torment

lustful cravings

irresolute yearning

skittish laughter

I also dug through my thesaurus and made another list of all the adjectives I use over and over and over...

Assault - attack, advancing, aggressive, assailing, charging, incursion, inundated, invasion, offensive, onset, onslaught, overwhelmed, ruinous, tempestuous, strike, violation,

Beautiful - admirable, alluring, angelic, appealing, bewitching, charming, dazzling, delicate, delightful, divine, elegant, enticing, exquisite, fascinating, gorgeous, graceful, grand, magnificent, marvelous, pleasing, radiant, ravishing, resplendent, splendid, stunning, sublime,

Dangerous -  alarming, critical, fatal, formidable, impending, malignant, menacing, mortal, nasty, perilous, precarious, pressing, serious, terrible, threatening, treacherous, urgent, vulnerable, wicked,

Painful - aching, agonizing, arduous, awful, biting, burning, caustic, dire, distressing, dreadful, excruciating, extreme, grievous, inflamed, piercing, raw, sensitive, severe, sharp, tender, terrible, throbbing, tormenting,

Okay you got your words! Now...

How & When to Describe it:

Rule of Thumb #1:| -- The moment the POV Character notices it -- DESCRIBE IT!

Picture the scene in your head like a movie. If it shows up in your scene - it belongs on the page.

Rule of Thumb #2: -- Description should always reflect the OPINION of the Viewpoint Character.

Oscar the Grouch is not going to see - or describe - a field of roses the same way as Big Bird. Darth Vader's opinion (and description,) of Yoda is not going to resemble Luke Skywalker's. The Heroine is NOT going to describe the Villain the same way she would her Hero.

Rule of Thumb #3 - Limit your detailed descriptions to stuff that is Relevant.

How do you tell what's relevant & what's not? How IMPORTANT is it to the story? Will this object/setting/character matter later?

If it's Important, then describe it in loving detail.

If it's only incidental, than only the tiniest sketch is needed.

Rule of Thumb #4 - Moderation! Moderation! Moderation!

Once you have described a setting or a person thoroughly, you don’t need to Keep Describing them -- unless they change. A small clue here and there, such as keeping to specific nouns, will do.

WHAT to Describe:

Scenery: Every new scene should open with a snapshot of description that details the stage the action is about to happen in.

No more than 60 words max. If you need more than that to describe your setting - splice it into your Action.

Location Changes: Every time the scenery changes: every new room, every new view, every new place they arrive at - gets described; so the reader can see it, and experience it too -- but don't go overboard.

If your story is based in the normal contemporary world, what the Setting looks like only matters in their immediate location and how it affects them directly. For example, rain has more of an immediate effect on characters than would sunshine - unless they're a vampire.

Locations get 30 words max, because that's about how much the average person can catch in a single look. The rest of the details should be mixed in between the actions and dialogue as the character gets a better look around.

Note: Fantasy and Sci-Fi Require MORE Description.

In most sci-fi's and fantasies, the otherworldly SETTING is just as important as the characters because the differences between Fantasy & Reality actually affect the plot -- such as things that are possible in a Fantasy setting, but aren't in the normal world, and vice versa.

The snapshot at the beginning of every scene is still the same length (60 words) - but you have to continue to add more description as the characters move through the world.

People: Think of how you see characters in a movie. THAT'S how you describe the people your character sees. Start at the top and describe down. Bottom to Top description implies that the Body is more important than the Mind. It implies that the viewer is looking for sex -- and nothing more.

Note to Fan-Fiction writers: Fantasy Characters should get the opportunity to show off the full extent of their powers at least once because those powers are relevant to who that character is and why they act as they do. People get three whole sentences max. If you need more than three sentences, thread the rest in with the dialogue.

Describing the Viewpoint Character: Yes or No?

YES! YES! YES! I don’t know about you, but when I’m reading a story, I wanna know whose head I'm in -- as soon as I'm in that head! And I want to know what that person LOOKS LIKE! (Damn it...)

Viewpoint Characters only get three sentences just like any other person in the story.

Describing the Viewpoint Character is Tricky -- Literally. You have to use tricks to do it.

The simplest way to describe the POV character is by having them see their reflection, (which, is also why it’s the most common technique.) Try to avoid using mirrors. Mirrors have been done to death.

The other way is by having the character ‘notice’ themselves, one little action at a time. This works best when the character is highly opinionated about their appearance.

EXAMPLE:

The delicately feminine gown strewn across the bed was exactly the type I would refuse to wear under any circumstances. To make matters worse, it was a horrifying shade of fairy-tale iridescent pink. I could not believe they actually expected someone as un-delicate and unfeminine as me to actually wear it – in public! Blue-eyed blonds with hoards of golden curls wore shiny pink gowns. Big strapping girls like me, with long pin-straight black hair and cat-green eyes wore dowdy blue dresses, usually with aprons over them.

The trick I prefer to use is threading the Description into the character's Actions. Using their Actions brings other parts of the character into focus, rather than describe the character in one lump paragraph.

From: INSATIABLE

Good god in heaven, this guy wants sex? With her? Was he out of his mind? She wasn’t unattractive; she’d never had a problem getting dates. Her generous bust-line, more than generous butt, and small waist drew the guys out of the woodwork. But this guy was just too pretty to even consider someone that didn’t come straight from Hollywood. “I’m flattered, really, but…” She pushed up from the bench and her coiled hair teetered precariously on top of her head. She made a quick grab for the chopsticks jammed in the twisted knot of her long dark blonde mane. Several of her charcoals rolled from her sketchbook to land on the floor with the tiniest sound of breaking glass. “Oh, damn…” She abandoned her hair and leaned over the side of the banquette sofa, reaching for the fallen charcoals. Her bare foot struck the wall under the night black window and three of the vampire paperbacks by her knee were knocked to the floor. She groaned in annoyance. It figures… A cute guy and I am an instant klutz. Lifting her feet carefully over the backpack hogging the far end of the sofa, she turned on her belly to get her feet on the floor. Not the sexiest move in the world. Just call me Grace. She hunched down to gather the fallen books and broken charcoals. The man crouched at her side and collected one of her fallen vampire books. A black brow rose as he scanned the back cover. “What interesting reading material.” Elaine’s cheek heated as she stood. “Yes, I read trashy romances.” She leaned over the sofa to stuff her charcoals and her other two books into her back pack. “It’s a girl thing.” “This is a romance?” “A trashy romance; it has sex in it.” Elaine glanced over her shoulder and froze. He was still crouched, but the book was forgotten in his hand. He was focused entirely on the curve of her jean-clad butt, bent less than a foot from his nose. His midnight stare lifted from her butt to capture her gaze. “Then you like sex?” Elaine swallowed the lump in her throat. Oh boy, I really stepped in that one. She stood upright slowly, trying to gather what dignity she could, and then turned around to face him. “Yes, I like sex.” It was too late to deny it now. She tugged the hem of her thick white cable knit sweater down over her hips, and butt. She held out her hand. “My book please?”

Using Description Wisely!

Once you have described a setting or a person thoroughly, you DON'T need to Keep Describing them -- unless they change. A small clue here and there, such as keeping to specific nouns, will do.

For example, in the above excerpt, the man was not described, though Elaine was - and thoroughly. Why was that? Because I HAD ALREADY DESCRIBED HIM in a previous part of the story, this part in fact:

From: INSATIABLE

“Might I have your company for the night?” “Huh?” Elaine glanced up from her belly-down sprawl across the private compartment’s plush banquette sofa. The art deco lamp directly over her was on, but polished cherry wood walls made the rest of the antique Pullman car very dark. She blinked. Where did he come from? A tall man in a nearly floor-length black leather coat, stood just inside the deep shadow of her compartment’s door. His hands hung loose at his sides. “Pardon the intrusion.” His voice was soft, low and velvety with a touch of exotic eastern European lilt. He tilted his head toward the closed door. “I did knock, and your door was unlocked.” Elaine bit her lip. She hadn’t heard the knock. Hell, she hadn’t heard the door to her train compartment open either. Damn it, she had to start remembering to lock that door. She sighed. Too late now. “I’m sorry, my best friend says a bomb could go off when I’m drawing and I’d miss it.” “An artist’s concentration, I understand.” He stepped into her pool of light. Blue highlights gleamed in the unrelieved blackness of his hair. He wore it combed straight back from the deep peak of his brow, hinting that his hair was long and tied back. Midnight dark eyes peered at her from under straight black brows. Sharp cheekbones and a strong jaw-line defined his aggressively masculine face, but the lush fullness of his mouth and the ivory-pale color of his skin belonged in a neo-classical painting. Wow, GQ magazine must be missing a model. She had to close her mouth. The man’s face was that freaking gorgeous. “I’m sorry, what was it you wanted?” One corner of his mouth lifted, hinting at amusement. He clasped his hands before him. “Your company, for the night.” “My company?” She blinked. That couldn’t be what it sounded like. “For what, exactly?” “Sex.” His slightly amused expression didn’t change.

What was in the picture at the beginning of this article?

A woman.

A time of day.

Weather conditions.

Actions & Emotions.

Color.

MOOD.  

In your response to the picture above, did you include EVERYTHING in the picture, or only some things? Did you include her hair color and its texture? Her eyes? Her clothes? Whether or not she was pretty? Her sword? Her actions? The snow?

What did you include?

What did you leave out?

What did you merely mention and what did you actually Describe?

What did you give color, weight, flavor and emotion to?

If you were to give your description to a friend who has NOT seen this picture, and then Showed them the picture, would they recognize it?

DESCRIPTION The ONLY way to get YOUR picture across to the Reader.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DISCLAIMER: As with all advice, take what you can use and throw out the rest. As a multi-published author, I have been taught some fairly rigid rules on what is publishable and what is not. If my rather straight-laced (and occasionally snotty,) advice does not suit your creative style, by all means, IGNORE IT.

[tardispowered]

Doctor Who Book Review: Only Human

Summary

Non-Spoilery Review: Absolute garbage.

Spoilers Below the cut.

To put it simply, this book was a mess. The writing was good in that it flowed well. In that the dialogue was clever and there were times when I laughed. There were moments when it almost reached something profound. Where I thought it would examine something interesting. It never did, but the potential was there. It could have been a lot better. But it’s not the wasted potential that annoys me the most. Not even the skewed characterization of everyone besides Rose. And even she had moments where I had to squint. No. It’s the hateful bits that really got me, written under the name of comedy.

But let’s break this down one thing at a time.

Plot: An absolute mess, especially as it went on. It was easy enough to follow from point A to point B, but there was both too much and too little going on. You had caveman Das who was transported to te modern day and has to stay because …reasons. You had Jack who had to stay with him.

You had Noble Savages Neanderthals where were just as Smart as the Humans but didn’t Lie so you knew they were Good. (Not that you see any more of them beyond the Noble Savage part  save for Das who became ‘civilized’ so it’s all right then) You had the primitive  Humans who will eventually be Evil and Wipe Out all the Neanderthals because that’s humanity for you. Also Rose marries into them…for reasons.

You have the time traveling humans living in this time period with them. Oh and also they have restricted emotions because emotions bad… Oh and one of them is evil and creating the perfect Humans called Hy-Bractor…who just do whatever she says and also eat people. (no comment on how the perfect human is perfectly subservient). You have Quillien who is a time traveler who refuses to express his emotions and is ostensibly the hero of the story…and does fuck all to earn it…

All of this in a little over 200 pages.

You also got a book that tried really hard to be a light and frothy adventure that dipped a bit into the Tim Burton well for no reason whatever near the end. Other than to be…well it’s a cool visual I guess. Chantal opens 9 up and does some surgical stuff. Cool imagery I guess. Nothing really comes of it. Rose is decapitated for a while? Cool imagery I guess. She’s not too too bothered.

And I mean, hey, there’s nothing wrong with a light and frothy adventure.

But it would be even better if it wasn’t A] Mean spirited as hell and B| kept characters in freaking character.

Let’s tackle B first… because whoo boy.

The Doctor

The weirdest thing is that 9 doesn’t sound too different than he should. His voice is in place. His mannerisms are in place. And then he drops words like ‘copping’ (which is UK slang for getting together yeah yeah yeah. Though at least somewhat innocent in that context) and says at one point: ‘tough titty.’

I just

I am still not over that one, frankly.

Tough titty.

Really?

Also his underlying sadness and grief that is very much a part of his character with the beginning is only touched on briefly (and cheaply). Now, I’m not saying that every 9 book has to be a slog in the Marsh of Sad, but the only mention of it is when he gets the Mood Lifter pills and is like: “Yeah my planet blew up and I used to be sad about but I’m not for some reason”

OH GEE. Glad the Time War wasn’t a BIG FREAKING DEAL that severely impacted your personality or anything. Whew!

(also apparently these mood lifters also act as mind control? Which isn’t very well explained and seems to suggest that if you feel good and blasé you’ll automatically listen to what the controller says which…what?)

Also he gooses someone to get a reaction out of them—which is just no. I can’t imagine any Doctor doing that, let alone 9. Especially not in that context.

When Rose gets married to the caveman Tillun…for reasons… and the Doctor takes her away, Tillun tries to attack and 9 basically trips him to the ground and the Doctor says something broadly like: It sucks to be used. Doesn’t it? You’ll get over it. And later Rose says the Doctor enjoyed doing that and it’s implied that he did.

And yeah 9 can be a little bit show-offy when faced with a rival to Rose’s affection. Like with Jack (who was kind of too full of himself) and Adam (who was definitely too full of himself) But aside from attacking 9, Tillun was a pretty ok guy. Rose seemed to like him.

I mean, 9 or hell, even Rose. Why not go out on a limb? Could just talk to him and convince him that they were asking the right thing. Tillun could have gotten more characterization and so could they. It could have been a negotiation and an understanding rather than just violence. But I mean the Doctor is cooler tripping someone to the ground and showing his badassitude.

Also he somehow makes the humans temporarily able to breathe fire to fight back against the newly created Hy-Bractor and nearly wipes out the entire species but isn’t too worried about it. Like obvs 9 has no problem with genocide. Even of a violent species out to kill him. It’s not like Rose convinced him to save a dalek or anything. Also good thing they Hy-Bractors have nothing more complex beyond basic emotions or personalities so we don’t have to feel bad for them dying.

Lucky us. 8|

Rose

I  thought Rose was pretty alright. She was actually the most solidly characterized even if there were parts where I was like ….wut? For instance she found Tillun hot because he was fit (which is understandable) and thought he had kissable floppy hair. I mean… this is a time before basic hygiene. I am not sure that his hair would be all that kissable. Just saying. Oh and for some reason she keeps thinking Quillien is a lech even though he doesn’t do a damn thing to her. But then when she decides to get married to convince the idiots to save themselves, she ends up in the equivalent of a fur bikini (because of course she does) and Quillien gives her a lusty stare (because of course he does) and it’s just kind of brushed aside.

Yeahh…that’s great.

Wonderful.

Just what a 9th Doctor book needs honestly 8|

 Jack

Basically, the story had no idea what to do with Jack and it shows. He’s just packaged off to look after Das, a caveman shunted forward into the present day. And he doesn’t do much but report on what Das is doing. And I mean it isn’t great, but it isn’t horrible—

Well it wasn’t horrible. Until Anna Marie.

Das likes Anna Marie. She’s attractive to him. She’s short and fat and has facial hair and a big nose, and doesn’t laugh much. Oh and her friends call her, and I quote: “Big Fat Anna Marie No Mates.”

Because it’s FUNNY. Because she’s UNATTRACTIVE. Ha ha. The Neanderthal likes the seriously ugly girl. Let’s all laugh at this side-splitting situation.

And that would be bad enough—but Jack is so damn judge-y about it too.

Jack.

Jack.

He would sleep with a yeti if it took him out for coffee and yet oh no god forbid a girl is short and fat and hairy. She’s obviously a Neanderthal. And he keeps shaking his head like how could Das like her. Ew.

But it’s a JOKE. HUMOR. HA HA

Thanks, I hate it 8|

And since we’re segueing into it, when Das said he wanted to marry Anna Marie, her father cried because he thought she’d never find someone not like her stick thin conventionally attractive sister.

It doesn’t matter if Anna Marie finds Das attractive or not. We never find out. But she doesn’t matter as a person. All she matters is as the butt of a joke. But look she’s happy so it’s okay. Only she’s happy because it’s implied no one else will give her the time of day because she’s so ugly. And it’s apparently okay to call her out on it because God Forbid she not be fuckable. It doesn’t matter what her personality is. Doesn’t matter what her hopes and fears are. Her talents and her flaws. Just that she has facial hair and so is basically worthless so she should thank god this Neanderthal came along and wanted her otherwise she’d really be useless.

Also, it was pointed out that her family is Irish. Which, granted I am not from the UK but this feels particularly racist to me.

Because yes, this is the kind of story we want from the 9th Doctor. The Doctor who struggled to cover up depression. Who did the hard thing because he thought it was the right thing. Who cared about people.

More than that, the Doctor that was played by Christopher Eccleston who fought to keep his Manchester Accent. To make the initial run of DW like it was. Rose was a chav. It didn’t matter. The Doctor was rough around the edges and didn’t speak in Received Pronunciation. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was they were who they were. They were worthy of love and respect. Rose didn’t have to be super intelligent to fly with the Doctor. The Doctor didn’t have to sound like he fell from London to be the Doctor. And, more than anything, that is who the 9th Doctor is and should be.

So no. No. There is so much more wrong with this book (like a particularly egregious cult of the Doctor moment) but I am not giving it any more of my time. It’s not in my headcanon. I don’t want it anywhere near me.

I give it half a star for decent writing but beyond that it can die in a fire.

[my-mystic-messenger]

Thank you so much! I try my best :P No question is a dumb question! Every question means you are interested in learning something new and that is something to be praised for, not belittled or titled as dumb. Whatever the question, my ask is always open. In fact, this question is very interesting and I'd happily tackle it for you. Bear with me, this might be a little all over the place, but it will all make sense in the end, I hope. If not, I'm sorry. I got pretty ill last night so my head is a bit doozy. Still, I really wanna do this so here goes nothing:

I never made it a big secret that I don't like Saeyoung as a character for a multitude of reasons. However, there are a couple of things that I have in common with him, which probably makes his erratic behaviour so incomprehensible and annoying to me. Two of these reasons being a) an abusive mother and b) his viewpoint on drinking etc. I am straight edge. For anyone who doesn't know what that means, it's a lifestyle choice in which the person does not drink, smoke, take any drugs (yes, weed is a drug), consume caffeine or frequently changes their sexual partner. Some of us are vegetarian/vegan too, but I chose not to be for multiple reasons. I take this life style choice as far as even attempting to avoid medication as far as humanly possible, because by the year of 2050 most people will die from being immune to the meds for even the most simple of illnesses. In short, it's supposed to be the healthiest human life style, thereby prolonging your life. I know this might seem irrelevant but bear with me. When I was a child my mother was both controlling as well as abusive. She's also extremely addicted to nicotine, by the age of 50+ years still thinks is appropriate to smoke weed and also likes to chuck a drink here and there. Needless to say that this woman repels me and if my financial situation would allow it, I'd flee this shit-hole I have to call home as soon as possible. Much like Saeyoung I am also very intelligent. Now I am not saying this to gloat and be admired for my genius, but to make a certain point: I'm very perceptive and was at a young age. The same goes to Saeyoung, which is why I mention it. No child should ever have to see their parents in the states he and I saw ours. You cannot imagine how horrifying and off-putting such things are to a toddler, young child, child and even teenager. Especially when you fully understand, that your parents are doing it to themselves! When you understand, that they won't stop no matter what you tell me and you understand, that if they didn't finish their pack of cigs or did finish their drink, you'll be paying the biggest price. I think that inherently every child loves their parents. I did too. God, I loved my mother. She was my hero and I always wanted to be like her. She seemed so in control all the time. Then I grew and I realized. I watched her waste the little money we had on not one but two entire packs of cigarettes a day. I watched her drink and turn into something so off putting and zombie-like it's hard to describe with words. Then I grew and my father explained to me, that my mother was an alcoholic too. Then I started to smell things that weren't her usual brand of cigarettes – imagine a ten year old being able to differentiate between the smells of different cigarette brand. Great, isn't it? - and realized that she'd started smoking pot again, an illegal drug. Not to mention how fun it was when she sent me to the drug store – as a child, mind you – to go get her cigs because she was too laze or incapable of getting up to go get them herself. I was devastated and I lost my good opinion of my mother forever. Saeyoung went through almost the exact same thing. Therefor I feel like I might actually be able to answer this question appropriately.

He probably hates it. He hates that Zen drinks and smokes and he'd probably find it repulsive to see a partner drink and smoke. For many reasons, but mostly the two you just mentioned. For one he's seen first hand what these drugs do to a human being. Drugs being the word I'll use for alcohol, cigs and otherwise. They ruin your body. They ruin your mind but most of all, they ruin the world around you as well. When you smoke it might ruin your lungs, but it mostly damages the people and non-smokers around you, as passive smoking is even unhealthier than direct smoking. When you drink you ruin your liver and stomach and brain, but when you start a fight and beat someone bloody, get in a car and drive someone over or just throw up in someone else's home, you damage the other people more than you damage yourself. Come morning you might not even remember it! The same goes for weed or any other drug really. It's always other people who have to clean up the mess you've made – not you directly, of course! - and for someone like Saeyoung, who had to do that his entire childhood long, especially considering that a mother should be taking care of the child and not the other way around – it's just tiring and unattractive. Personally, I could never date someone who smoked/drank/did drugs and was unwilling to quit for a relationship, because I'd always be scared that they'd turn into my mother; a selfish, weak, addicted bitch!

I also think that choice is a big point as well. Frankly, this is something I've always wondered and pondered; why do people take drugs? In my friends circle in Croatia I was shunned for not doing anything mentioned above, made fun of for being healthy and 'boring'. I cannot count how many times I heard the phrase “but how can you have fun like that?” Even from my mother, who even as a young teenager encouraged me to 'try everything' and go out, have fun. Frankly, I wish I would have had the bravery to reply; “Isn't it sad that you need drugs to have fun, when you have all your friends around and then make fun of me for not needing them to feel fulfilled”, but I was young and the only girl in the group, so I kept quiet. This is precisely where things start to go wrong. The only reason we take any kind of drugs is nothing but peer pressure. No one in this world will ever convince me otherwise. There is no child in the world that goes up to the store and see's a pack of cigs with the warning that smoking will kill you and says; damn right, that's what I wanna buy with my pocket money. Most people I talked to even told me they had to smoke/drink/try weed and other drugs multiple times until the finally liked them. Isn't that crazy?! People basically force themselves to like something that will kill them, just to fit it, because someone decided it was cool! A person as logical and broken as Saeyoung would never let himself be peer pressured like that.

I know this is rather me-centered and I am really sorry about that, but since I went through almost the exact same thing as Saeyoung, I feel like at least in that regard we would react and think much the same. There are many more reasons I don't drink and smoke and such; everything from the waste of money it is to the fact that my brain is my strongest weapon and it would be a damn shame to ruin it for a buzz. In conclusion; Seven probably finds it unfortunate that one of his best friends is killing himself and would possibly find it repulsive if his partner did the same. Maybe even to the extend of breaking up with them over it, as it is quite a fundamental thing to disagree on. Especially considering the past he had and what he had to endure because of it. However, as someone who's been through the same I've grown tired of monitoring people and telling them not to do these things and I feel like Saeyoung feels much the same. We can't find one of the biggest industries in the world, so instead we retreat and do our own thing all by ourselves rather than settle for something we don't want. He hacks, I write. A safe bubble where the world can't harm either of us after all the abuse we had to take. On an ending note: Smoking is not cool. Drinking does not make you fun. Smoking weed or taking drugs is not okay.

Don't peer pressure anyone into making the same mistakes as you!

[ourhealthyfoodblog-blog]

New Post has been published on Healthy Food and Remedies

New Post has been published on http://healthyfoodandremedies.com/2017/03/21/leveling-attractive-5-easy-steps/

Leveling Up: How To Be More Attractive In 5 Easy Steps

One of the ongoing debates that crops up when it comes to dating advice for men is: “How important are men’s looks?” Just check the comments section of this blog; whenever I talk about what women find attractive in men, people will inevitably show up and insist that all of this is bullshit and that women are interested in tall dudes with rippling washboard abs, blindingly white teeth, pecs you could bounce rocks off of, an Audi R8 and a 7 figure bank account.

Which is why Dwayne Johnson has been People’s Sexiest Man Alive for seven years running…

Others will insist that looks don’t matter at all and that it’s strictly a matter of one’s character.

So here’s the cold hard truth: good looks matter. But they also don’t.

Confused? It’s understandable. The issue comes down to the differences between how men and women define “attractiveness”. Men tend to have a more uniform definition of what they consider attractive while women’s definitions tend to have more variability. Men tend to assume that women view men with the same metrics that men view women – that is, that women will put greater importance on facial symmetry, height, body fat percentages, penis size and muscle tone.

In reality, being attractive to women is a combination of a host of factors, coming together to build a holistic version of desirability that’s based on more than just whether or not one has Scandinavian cheekbones and piercing blue eyes.

Good looks in men certainly help when it comes to attraction; nobody is denying that. But there’s a difference between being good looking and being attractive. And there are many ways for a man to make himself more attractive.

The Difference Between Good Looks and Attractiveness

There’s no question that good looks help in life. Humans are psychologically predisposed to be more positively inclined toward people who are physically attractive; a cognitive bias known as the “halo effect” influences people’s judgements and impressions about a person based purely on their physical appearance. A person who is blessed with good looks will frequently have a leg up in the world.

However: The definition of what women consider to be “good looking” varies wildly. Men tend to think that all women go for Chris Hemsworth’s god-like build and leonine mane of hair, when women may be far more likely to scream for Joseph Gordon Levitt’s more wiry frame, Chiwetel Ejiofor’s gap-tooth smile or Matt Smith’s unique fivehead.

I mean, some women dig the Easter Island Moai look, y’know?

A person can be good looking… but still be unattractive and have little success with women. A man can be far less than model-gorgeous and still be incredibly attractive to women; in fact, one of the most popular, sex-gettingist men I have known is short and fat, yet attracts women like cheese attracts mice.

The men who are most invested in the idea that women only like guys who look like X often need to believe that attraction is immutable; it takes the pressure off of them to be responsible for their own successes – or lack thereof. It allows them to put the blame on others – on women who have “unfair” standards, on the media for promoting certain looks, on their own genes. After all, short of painful surgeries, there’s not much a man can do about the shape of his face or his height.

Attractiveness, however, is about more than facial symmetry and height. It’s about how a man presents himself – the way he talks,  the way he dresses and his attitude… and it’s surprisingly easy to sabotage one’s own attractiveness by accident.

Step One: Embrace Proper Grooming

This is a no-excuses step. There’s more to grooming and self-care than the usual male ritual of “a couple of spritz under the pits and out the door you go”… if you even get that far.

You wouldn’t think that much of this would be necessary… until you’ve spent some time at a convention; there’s a reason why nerds are associated with stench. If a woman gags when gets within two feet of you… well, you’re not going to get anywhere with her, let’s just put it that way.

Absolute minimum of grooming means brushing your teeth, flossing, mouth wash and a decent deodorant. The 99 cent drugstore special is not going to help you here and most of them are going to leave white residue on your clothes. You’re better off to shell out for something at the level of Anthony’s Logistics for Men than Speed-Stick.

Also: no Axe anything. Ever.

However, most men stop here when it comes to personal grooming. This is a mistake; part of grooming means taking care of your face and skin. After all, 99% of communication means being face to face with people – why wouldn’t you want to keep up the maintenance of the one area that everybody is going to be looking at?

It’s time to embrace proper skin-care. Many men will avoid this for fear of being too “metro” (read: gay) and as a result… they look terrible. Their skin looks old and dull and detracts from their natural looks. Proper skin care will make you look younger, more alert and – importantly – more attractive. Start with going beyond washing your face with bar soap, which will actually dry your skin and make things worse. You want a facial cleanser – preferably one with 2% salicylic acid – in the morning to help wash away dirt, debris and oils that lead to clogged pores and zits.

OH GOD HYGIENE BURNS IT BURNS US PRECIOUSSSSS!

Follow this up with a moisturizer with sun-screen. Sun exposure ages your skin and leaves you at risk for skin cancer; this is why you need the sunscreen. Meanwhile, the moisturizer keeps your skin firm and smooth, minimizes fine lines, and preserves skin’s elasticity.

At least once a week, use an exfoliating scrub. Think of it as sanding away the top layer of paint on an old house; you’re getting rid of the old, damaged, and dead skin and letting your real face shine through.

Also: learn to corral your unwanted hair. Get a decent pair of tweezers and attack your eyebrows and any ear and nose hair. Keeping bushy eyebrows under control (especially if you tend towards a unibrow) will work wonders for improving your look and confidence, and you don’t want anyone getting in close to notice stray nose or ear hairs.

(This, I might add, gets much more important the older you get; when you start losing hair on your head, you start gaining it everywhere else.)

While I’m at it: take care of your damn hands. You don’t have to go out and get a mani/pedi (but I do recommend it) but you want to keep your nails neatly trimmed (not bitten) and filed with care to avoid points or raggedy edges. Women definitely notice your hands… and there are many (ahem) performance reasons why you will want to keep your nails short and clean.

Step Two: Get a Haircut.

Cold hard truth: women hate your hair. Sorry.

Most men have absolutely no idea what to do with their hair. They go to the barber or Supercuts, get the exact same haircut over and over again, and never stop to think just how much a decent hair cut can change how they look. There’s more to a haircut than just trimming off a couple of inches here and there; a proper hair cut can completely transform your face, bring balance to your features and help frame your personality.

Also: No ponytails. Very few men can pull off long hair and unless you are ripcord, rockstar thin, that includes you.

Some of us learned this the hard way.

This means you need to get a decent hair cut.

Find a good stylist. Do not go to SuperCuts or that place in the mall; you want a proper salon or barbershop and that means being willing to pay. Sorry, but this is definitely one of the areas where you get what you pay for. It can be hard to find a new barber or stylist (I hate it, personally) because it can be hard to find a good one, but it’s vitally important. Word of mouth is the best way to find one, but Yelp and Google Reviews can help lead you in the right direction.

Bring a photo. Yup, it’s a chick move, but it helps you communicate exactly what you want to your barber instead of trying to convince him or her to read your mind. Just be willing to be flexible; a good barber will be taking your head and face shape, hair thickness and texture into account and not everybody is going to be able to pull off the same style. If you have curly hair, you’re going to have to learn how to work with it. If you have thinning hair, you need to learn to embrace it and just start cutting things short.

Use some product. Different hair products are suited to different hair styles – wax works better for thicker, coarser hair while clay or pomade works better for thinner or silkier hair. A little bit of hair product can turn a sloppy look into something nice.

While you’re at it: start attacking your facial hair. Some people can pull off facial hair. Some can’t. If you have patches of bare skin in your beard, you need to just accept that you may not be one of them; a patchy, scraggly beard makes you look more like Chester The Molester than the God of Testosterone you think you are.

That being said, a nicely trimmed1 beard can help strengthen and add definition to an otherwise weak jawline. Keep it short and neat and for fuck’s sake don’t let it grow into neckbeard territory. Shave your neck; your beard should stop just under your jaw line – not so close that you look overly groomed but not so far that you look like you spend all your time in your mother’s basement running 25 man raids in World of Warcraft.

 Step Three: Your Clothes Need To Fit

There is nothing that drives me crazier than people who wear clothes that don’t fit properly.

Most men out there do not wear clothes that actually fit them. Many times, it’s that they are so simply out of touch with how clothes are meant to fit; they dress for comfort, under the assumption that clothes are supposed to be roomy. Others are insecure about their bodies and wear larger clothes in an attempt to disguise it.

This never works. In fact, wearing clothes that are too large will serve to draw attention to the fact that you’re trying to camouflage a perceived flaw.

(The less said about “relaxed fit” anything the better.)

At best, wearing clothes that don’t fit looks sloppy and immature, making even the most expensive, stylish clothes look like something you picked up from the Lost and Found. At worst, you look like a kid trying to play dress-up in his daddy’s clothes.

PLEASE stop doing this.

Here’s what you need to know:

A shirt’s shoulder seam should sit at your shoulder joint. If it goes any further, it’s too big. Cuffs on a dress shirt should not reach past your wrist.

A dress shirt’s collar should be loose enough so that you can slip two fingers into the neck without effort.

Blazers, jackets, and sports coats should also have shoulder seams that sit at the shoulder joint. The sleeves should stop around 3/4 of an inch from the back of your hand, allowing just a little cuff to show.

Pants are meant to sit at your natural waist, approximately three finger-widths below your navel. If your pants sag below your waist without a belt holding them up, they’re too big.

Jeans should feel snug; they’ll loosen up as you wear them, so you want a pair that fits slightly tighter in the waist, thighs and seat than you’re used to.

The bottom of your pants leg should sit just at your shoes. Some dress pants will have what is known as a “break”, where the pants crease into a natural fold from resting on the top of the shoes. A “medium” break is traditional – a shallow crease with the back of the pants coming down to midway between the top of the back of the shoe and the sole. A full break is more daring as it creates a very deep crease and brings the back of the pants leg to just above the sole of the shoe. No break is considered to be more retro – think Mad Men – and is often a feature of tailored Italian suits. Jeans should have a very slight break. No pants should have more than one crease; if they do, they are too large.

If you’re the sort of person who has a hard time finding clothes that fit, then a tailor is absolutely your best friend. A skilled tailor can make clothes look absolutely amazing on you. This is why so many celebrities look like a million bucks even when they’ve thrown whatever shit they have to go to the grocery store: they have everything tailored, including t-shirts and jeans. Find clothes that fit over your widest, hardest-to-size feature2 and have the rest adjusted to fit. It costs less than you’d think; just factor the price of tailoring into the cost of the clothing.

The simple act of switching to clothes that fit you properly will completely transform your look and sillouette with minimal effort from you.

Step 4: Straighten Up

This is another simple tip that so many men seem to miss: sit up straight young man!

We’ve become a desk-bound, sedentary society and we’ve been paying the price for it ever since; we hunch over our desks and computers like monks illuminating manuscripts in drafty monasteries and it is absolutely ruining our backs. Good posture can make a night-and-day difference in your appearance. Straightening out your posture will leave you looking taller, stronger and more confident… and you’ll feel infinitely better too.

No jokes here. You’d be amazed at how many back problems result from poor posture.

Look in the mirror, then turn to your side. Look at where your head and chin fall in relation to your chest and shoulders; you want a straight line from the crown of your head to your spine. Your ears, shoulders, arms, knees, and feet should all form a straight line, not hunching forward with a curved back and spine. It helps to imagine a string attached to the top of your head, directly above where your spine meets your skull, pulling you slightly upward. Use that imaginary string to lift yourself up, letting your arms dangle loosely from your side and leaving your knees slightly bent; you want a relaxed, at ease look, not military precision.

While you’re straightening up your back, look at how you’re holding your shoulders. You want to pull your shoulders back so that you have a straight line from the junction of your neck and shoulder to your deltoid; this is where you want to position your shoulders when you’re standing naturally. Years of slouching and computer use will have trained your shoulders to slope forward, so it will take a lot of concentration and practice to make this natural.

Your feet should be shoulder-width apart, with your weight evenly distributed and your toes pointing straight forward or at a slight outward angle.

Learning to adopt proper posture will help lengthen your spine, which will help you stand a little taller. A straight spine and your shoulders held back will also help you project confidence; when you hunch in on yourself, you’re tacitly telling the world that you’re afraid to take up space and you’re curling into a defensive position. Confident people stand up straight and aren’t afraid to take up space; having your arms dangle at your side will make you seem more at ease and add a swagger to your walk.

Incidentally, this is one more area where yoga is absolutely invaluable. Practicing yoga twice a week will make adopting good posture a habit and help build up the muscles you need to maintain it.

Step Five: Clean Up Your Diet

The food we eat is killing us.

We as Westerners eat too much fat, too much high-fructose corn syrup, far too much salt, and entirely too much caffeine… and we’re paying the price for it. The health cost is obvious – plenty of ink has been spilled about the obesity epidemic in this country – but it also is making you less attractive.

Don’t get me wrong: this isn’t about weight; this is about the way food affects the way you look and feel. You are literally what you eat and shitty food is going to make you look like shit – it screws up your skin, your hair and body… not to mention the effects of all that salt and processed food on your internal organs and circulatory system.

I’m not going to advocate any particular diet because, frankly, diets are like putting a bandage over an arterial hemorrhage. They’re a stop-gap solution at best and never last in the long term. Proper health comes from proper nutrition and that means a total lifestyle change, not just “going paleo” to fit into a new pair of jeans.

Now I’ll be the first to tell you: this is an area I struggle with. My addiction to Diet Dr Pepper is legendary and I will eat damn near anything if you deep fat fry it. But even minor changes can produce major results. Start simple and small and build up; trying to go cold-turkey is only going to ruin your efforts and sabotage any progress you make.

Here’s what you want to do:

Drink more water. Just upping your water intake will do amazing things for your skin. Cut out sodas entirely if at all possible, as well as most fruit juices; these are liquid calories, period. If you have to have fruit juice try to stick to freshly squeezed and organic; your morning Tropicana has more chemicals and added sugar than you realize. Diet sodas, by the way, aren’t any better. Aspertame is known to actually make you consume more calories; your body is convinced that it should be getting more calories and tries to make up the difference by tricking you into eating more elsewhere. Coffee and tea are… ok; odds are that you need to cut back on the caffeine as well so try to keep them to a minimum and as little milk and sugar as you can get away with.

Eat more fruits and vegetables. You almost certainly aren’t eating enough; however much you’re eating, you need to increase it. This is where most of your nutrition is going to come from, not to mention fiber that’s going to solve many of your (ahem) gastric problems. Wherever possible eat it fresh and organic – health claims aside (many of which are scientifically dubious at best) organic produce just tastes better. It’s night-and-day different.

If you’re like me, you just recoiled like a vampire from a cross.

Cut the hidden calories: fatty sauces, salad dressings and spreads. All of these are sources of bad fats that you often overlook when you’re considering trying to eat better. It doesn’t help to eat more broccoli if you’re going to drown it in ranch dressing first.

Stick to lean protein: chicken, lean cuts of beef, turkey, fish.

Avoid simple carbs – potatoes, white bread, sugar, white rice. Yes, you need carbs for energy, but these turn to glucose and from there to fat with absolutely no nutritional value to justify eating them. Complex carbs – sprouted grain breads, brown rice, sweet potatoes, green leafy veggies, legumes, apples, pears, mangos – have nutrients and fiber that offset the bump to your glucose levels and they’re far better for you.

Cut out processed foods entirely. If your dinner involves ingredients you can’t pronounce, never mind find on its own at the grocery store, you’re eating crap that should never be put in your body. This includes high-fructose corn syrup: that shit is in everything.

A healthier diet will make you  feel like a new man – you’ll have more energy, you’ll feel more positive, and your immune system will be boosted… and you’ll look better too.

The tricky secret of attraction is that it doesn’t take very much to make it happen. A couple of minor changes have a major impact that can turn your dating life around.