#but genuinely my mental health is so fucking horrible right now I just. I can't read those

[delusionsofspace]

We stay silly but at what cost

[quillandrapier]

Venting a bit again

[naamahdarling]

MY medical update:

I am beginning to feel like I will never reach the end of anything. I am legitimately folding like a wet house of cards. My mental health is being profoundly negatively affected as my identity as "a unique and vibrant human being with a meaningful life" is increasingly subsumed into a deeply trauma-adjacent and depersoning identity as "a patient", with all the associated expectations that I will repeatedly and with minimal complaint allow people I barely know or have never met access to my emotions and my traumatized and marginalized body. That is not safe space within which to exist. Medical professionals, even the very kind ones, often forget the toll that "care" can take. (Bad ones disregard it altogether.)

My unusually high degree of emotional awareness allows me to see what is happening, and even allows me to cope with it very well, but "very well" is still not enough to make this sustainable over the long term. I don't actually know where to go or what to do from here.

I am torn between wanting to get all of these appointments out of the way as quickly as possible, so that I can relax without anything hanging over my head, and spacing things out just to give myself room to fucking breathe even though that means I will always have something lurking in the near future, causing me dread. I've run the math in my head over and over and I still can't work it out. There are too many unknowns, and too many variables, and too many ways things could go wrong either way I go.

I don't even know if there is a right choice. I don't know if there is a best answer. I've never been under this kind of pressure for so long before, I have been struggling with one thing or another since before the beginning of the year, and it is genuinely starting to do what I believe could turn into lasting harm.

I had a long and helpful talk with my boyfriend tonight, and while it did not fix much, it did help me to understand that the constant pressure on me is making it difficult for him to be here for me as much as he would like to be able to, and that's obviously distressing to him. That hit me really hard, because that is exactly the position I was in earlier this year trying to get his medication refilled and trying to help him deal with a deeply incompetent dental clinic.

I very much appreciate that he shared that with me, and I probably will try to find a way to slow things down and space things out, because even if I don't know that is what is best for me, if that is what is best for him, that's what I want to do. I've been so overwhelmed trying to manage my own emotional state that I sadly have not stopped to think about the effect this has had on him. I do feel guilty about that, but the important thing is that he let me know and I heard him.

I am very tired, and I'm praying that next week is uneventful. I don't have anything scheduled, but that doesn't mean that something annoying or even actually horrible might not occur.

Right now I'm going to have a snack and go to bed and hope that the pharmacy refills my meds tomorrow so that I can go back to having 30% less ADHD.

[mueritos]

As someone who’s been through multiple therapists and psychs, you’re super not wrong about these people bringing their biases to the table. I’m lucky enough that I

1. Was an older teenager

2. Had friends who had had decent mental health help already

3. Already kinda suspected the shapes of what was “wrong with me” and

4. Had an innate sense of “no that seems like bullshit” before I went in with these people.

The first therapist I ever saw met me as a 17 year old alt girl, and when I tried to talk to her about thinking I had anxiety issues she cut me off before I was done explaining and told me I was self diagnosing, that was causing my problem, and we wouldn’t “entertain THAT” any further.

The second therapist I ever saw met me as a 18 year old trans guy, pre-everything, during the pandemic. She listened, but she had no experience with the trans community and I had to teach her everything about anything I wanted to talk about with regards to that. She was nice, but she couldn’t help me. She didn’t know how.

The third therapist I ever saw met me as a 21 year old young man. She figured I had everything sorted out already. I didn’t. She never tried to change her mind or delve deeper. At this point I couldn’t afford to waste my time, so I asked to be recommended to a psych and she said sure. After that we didn’t talk.

The first psych I went to was very kind, and absolutely did not do his due diligence. I came in with a shiny recommendation from a therapist (that he didn’t verify), so he all but handed me the medication with no explanation and I only ever spoke to him over the phone after that. It was a low barrier to entry but the medication wasn’t right and I didn’t know I had other options. He made it seem like I didn’t.

The psych I’m seeing now put me on a medication that reacted poorly with my inhaler because she didn’t cross check if they would be any drug interactions. I came back and asked for a different medication. She was going to put me on a different one, and then I asked her to check if there were any interactions with this one. Turns out there were severe ones. I ended up going with a different medication, it seems to be working. It would probably work better with help from a therapist, but I don’t have the time or money for that right now. And quite frankly I’m tired of trying to convince people to help me when I have to explain what I think is wrong with me for them to listen. Only for them to decide that I’ve already figured it all out and they don’t need to try.

So uh. Yeah. Lots and lots of stories from me and my friends about clinicians of all age and experience ranges that go from horror stories to just disappointing and unhelpful. Some of these people had been practicing for 20-30 years and they STILL weren’t any better at empathy or not being horribly biased.

first of all holy shit it really fucking sucks you had to go through all of these terrible experiences while accessing care you deserve and need. i'm not surprised these terrible interactions happened, and I can't even be disappointed considering the bar of standards is in hell. The "better" experiences a lot of folks have with clinicians align with your second therapist. They are clinicians who just genuinely have no worldview outside of their own, but are receptive to new information...they just have no drive to learn how to apply new frameworks of ways of thinking to expand their worldview and guide their clients. The worst is literal malpractice, ableism, and violence against clients.

a lot of people who go into the mental health field don't actually have the skills related to active listening, empathy, or curiosity based out of humanity. I say this to a lot of people in the social work program, but social work is the same pipeline as mean girls who go into nursing--it's just full of the girls who were not smart enough to go into nursing that decide to go into social work. Same breed of mean girl seeking power over others, just different contexts of public service.

the only hope i have is in the new generations of mental health clinicians who are BIPOC/queer, anti-carceral, disabled themselves, and who are mentally ill as well. I feel more solidarity with my neurodivergent peers in my program who can barely finish an assignment on time than I do with the white women who have never experience hardship in their lives. Not to say neither of these people can't experience easy or hard times in their lives but man....seeing the roadblocks in some of these people's worldviews, empathy, or conceptualizations of other people's struggles is fucked up.

the mental health field is just another medicalized, over-policed, and racist institution that wants to shove people back into the workforce ASAP. we are in hell!! but just know there ARE people and groups and orgs out there that are dedicated to radical work and will name all the hypocrisy, pain, and oppression that exists in working in this field.

thank you tho for sharing your experience and input. I can only hope that your experiences moving forward are positive and liberating for you <3

[brandnewhuman]

I was like scrolling through tiktok, fueling my könig thirst, when I came across an interesting hc

As much as I like to think this man has infinite patience and it takes literally so much to make him snap i think I might be wrong.

IM THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO CORRECT ME SO DONT EVEN TRY IT

I was on the verge of having a stroke with @bloodlst trying to understand how old is könig (which btw didn't end up anywhere cause everytime we thought we had the answer something didn't seemed right. We have come to the agree that he's almost 40 and that cod writers are fucking wankers cause his bio doesn't makes any fucking sense)

König willingly volunteer to get into the army. Now I know it may not be much but in the bio you see in the game it says he felt acceptance only when fighting and that he exceeded at it.

Now I don't think könig is objectively a violent person but as someone who has their fair share of unfair moments in their life i can tell you that feeling powerless and defenseless is a horrible feeling. Anxiety and in general menta illness is debilitating on its own, if you pair that with people treating you like shit and having to always be faced with how weak you really are in others people eyes it does makes you feel angry and crave some sort of loud and brutal coping mechanisms

I think that's how könig feels, he has never been able to let out the anger, he's always been the fragile chubby kid with mental health problems who was easy to push around. He has always felt like he took too much space and didn't deserve to feel bad or show his real feelings cause in the end he always felt it was only his fault if all that shit happened to him.

I can see him being a shy person, always forcing a cheerful and careless facade, choosing to display only a premade happy set to the world so it's not that easy to get to him and his real feelings. I can see him being so full of anger that he has problems keeping it at bay sometimes and snaps randomly at very small things, regretting it immediately, I can see him keeping everything in and letting it out either during missions or when he's alone

Like he really is brutal when he is out there killing the enemy, and he likes it. He likes it and unlike ghost he's not afraid of it, he feels the most happy when he knows people see him and get scared cause they know what's coming for them.

Like I feel ghost does what he does cause he doesn't has anything else left, not because he likes to be a killer, not bc he likes to scare people but bc he genuinely believes he's not good for anything else other than violence. His life is ruined by all the trauma, he will never be able to be happy or have a normal life so why even try to? He gets so worried about being so used to death, he fears getting completely indifferent towards any type of violence or loss, that one day he won't even care about killing his own team or innocent people so that's why he keeps away from everyone. You can't feel bad for anyone or have to care if you don't have someone to look out for

But könig it's like different, he never thinks about the effects all of this will have on him, he just wants to feel like the strong one for once. He likes killing and he likes the fact that he's good at it and even enemies know it. And even after all of this he can't manage to make people respect him outside work, he loses all the "könig" strength and becomes just Dominik, the really tall and nervous guy who can't seem to stand up for himself. Cause as much as he likes to feel stronger than others he wants to be liked too, he wants to be appreciated by someone who isn't his grandma, he wants to feel like the bullies at school were wrong and he is a very likeable person, that he can be loved with all his difficulties and "flaws"

Bloody hell i got angsty with it, BUT YOU ALL KNOW I NEVER LIE SO IM RIGHT, YOU'RE WRONG AND NOW YOU'LL THINK ABOUT IT

[bowtiepastabitch]

.

I'm genuinely having such a moment. I saw one of those posts, really well meaning just a "I was backpacking in europe exploring all these cool cities for ten hours a day last year and now I'm disabled and can't get out of bed" and I'm just.... really sad. I never got to go backpacking in europe or explore cities and ruins on foot or anything I just skipped straight to disabled and can't get out of bed. I worked part time and then I worked full time and then I started uni and got disabled (but I'm still working because what other choice do I have). I've never left the north american continent, and the sicker I get the more expensive it gets to potentially do so because doing it cheap means doing it inaccessible. I got exhausted from walking around a grocery store today. Half my friends on instagram are in fucking Europe right now, spain or france or italy or whatever the fuck having a great time. One of the kids at the place where I teach is going on a two week london/paris vacation later this month and she's in fucking middle school. Meanwhile, I'm getting paid 8/hr to teach math and algebra and precal for parents who can afford to send their kid to a fancy tutoring center and even though I only work a couple hours a day I spend the rest of it resting and laying down and barely having the energy to scroll my tumblr dash most days. I'm so fucking tired. I pay money for doctors to tell me things I already know but if I don't then I can't prove I deserve my accommodations and even if I do I still feel like I'm fucking faking it to be lazy. I know the "1 in 3 adults in the united states has this that or the other" is supposed to make me feel less alone but instead it just makes me feel like I'm exaggerating and should be able to at least keep up with a good chunk of people my age but I just fucking can't. I can't do this. Maybe if I was fucking middle class and didn't have to work to live or if I was able bodied and could work a normal job, or if I had rich parents and could do the things I wanted without having to struggle for them things would be different but I have fought so. fucking. hard. for everything I have. I'm alive because of the work I put in to pull myself back from the edge over. and over. learning to keep myself alive until I could learn to want to be alive. working my fucking ass off to get into a good uni with a good scholarship far away from home so I could move out of my abusive household and get a good education. I've worked so fucking hard for every single thing in my life and now my body won't even cooperate and let me enjoy it and I'm so fucking exhausted. My memory's not working very well and my body gives up on moving from the couch half the time and I've got vague all over pain that never quite goes away and I can't sleep and I can't wake up and I can't talk to people without being awkward and weird and I can't save up my money and fly to europe. And because I made myself so sick in high school I've got a horrible nagging fear that it's somehow my fault in some way which is honestly maybe a worse explanation than "I'm being a whiny baby about things that a lot of people have dealt with better" and it fucking sucks. Plus I'm living with my parents for the summer because every single thing I applied to for the summer rejected me, so my mental health is wonky and I've got all kinds of little trauma things popping up from time to time but also they're getting better about some things sometimes so I feel immensely guilty to complain about them. And also they're helping pay my medical, even if it is coming out of the rent I paid to them during my medically necessitated gap year. So I again feel guilty bitching about them too much. And my car doesn't work anymore so I have to borrow or ask for a ride anytime I want to go somewhere and I don't have any close friends that live near me anymore anyway. And it doesn't matter because I'm fucking disabled and I can't do cool fun adventure shit and I can't find the energy for big creative projects and I can't fly to europe.

[adelle-ein]

it's dawning on me that being online when you have extreme morality ocd might not really be feasible and i don't know what i can do about that

i'm utterly terrified of people calling me/thinking i'm a zionist, to the point where i can't stand up for any antisemitism that i see from people, so i'm just letting everything slide and being the Good Jew but that ALSO kills me bc it's so distressing knowing that i'm friends or mutuals with people willing to say and share these things

throw in the usual tumblr social justice "kys if you don't reblog this screenshot of a tweet thread from a random bluecheck" and like. i feel like i'm constantly dying. i feel completely responsible for the actions of israel as a jew because people are constantly telling me that i am, i feel like a monster for caring about innocents everywhere, i'm terrified that everyone has the most radical "all [palestinians/israelis] must die For Peace" positions and that there's nobody i can trust

i can read really profound and good writing from people smarter than me and feel secure in my position again and then go on here and see people i truly love and care about reblogging about how oct 7 was a false flag or justified. go in a doll discord and see random teens with harry potter icons musing about how mattel and mga are being controlled by israel bc as we all know companies never support anything evil of their own volition unless (((they))) make them. twitter is unsalvageable due to the sheer number of nazis being rt'd onto my dash for saying vaguely pro-palestinian-appearing things. and several of my relatives are far-right zionists and even the ones that aren't i'm scared might secretly be. it's fucking everywhere. i'm trying to close it off and do limited exposures to it per the advice of my mental health team (ie actually go to news sites/journalists and read at certain times of day instead of being constantly randomly exposed to inflammatory stuff) but it's really inescapable

and the worst part is i know this is amplified by morality ocd but i think some of it is true. i think saying my piece to people i love would get me called a zionist pig by some and an antizionist traitor by others. i think people i respect and care about genuinely believe some really horrible things. some of them are just sharing stuff or siding with a team and not really thinking about any implications but how can i take that risk?

and yeah i'm probably an evil cunt for caring about myself when people are dying! probably! but the one reassurance, i guess, is that nobody can possibly hate me for it, or for anything, more than i hate myself. i'm screaming for help but nobody hears but that's not really anybody's fault bc i'm also covering my mouth, bc if people hear the screaming then they'll hate me. that's what i truly believe

i don't have a point i'm just struggling really really badly that's all. i've literally written 4k about various things and not shared it bc like, my voice isn't helpful or needed or necessary here. i'm not smart i'm not special i'm not a scholar on antisemitism or islamophobia or hate groups or zionism or antizionism or israel or palestine. this is just me crying because i don't know how to keep going and i truly believe that everyone in my life hates me. that's all. yes this is pathetic but i need to let things out just this tiny bit

(if you do hate me for this then please please just block and break off any communication we have now, i hate to think of anyone feeling trapped in a relationship with me)

[breadstickysquid]

my thoughts on endless sunsets, from the pov of someone who is very mentally ill and has a partner they love with their entire heart (cw for talk of mental health and suicide):

so. ow. fuck. godamn. okay then. just MAKE me hurt like that.

i cannot formulate my thoughts coherently right now other than "AAAAHASIDSHFYDUUJIUWAAUUUUGHBBHBGBHGBBBAAAUUHHHH" but i'll do my damn best (beware, this all might be incomprehensible) AND KEEP IN MIND I'm not all caught up on the caimsey lore!!!

this hit me hard. really hard. from both the pov of c!quqqie and from c!aimsey (and all of their friends)

i've struggled with anxiety and depression for 6+ years now. i can't remember a time when i didn't struggle with my mental health.

I was doing really poorly in 2020. i was very depressed, isolated from most of my friends, and constantly behind in school. i was struggling, and at multiple points in the year i was very seriously (but didn't actually make plans) considering ending it all. i was tired.

early 2021 i finally joined twitter, to be able to interact with the mcyt fandom.

through twitter, i met the most important person in my life.

my best friend, my partner, my other half.

it's been far over 2 years since we've met now, and since i met them, my life has become so much better. we hang out of hours on vc, chat daily, and we just, get each other on a deeper level than anyone else i've met. It's cheesy, but I genuinely believe we're soulmates. For ages, we thought we were just best friends, until awhile ago when we realized we were actually queerplatonic, and since then, my days are full of the heartache that I have from just having. So much love for xem. When it's hard for me to see the beauty in life, they help me see it again. When they're feeling down, I'm there to pick them back up. I am theirs and they are mine, we are each other's better halves, together to the end.

A couple years ago, I wouldn't have expected to live past my 20s. Now, I can comfortably see myself growing old, and it's because of my partner.

I see me and my partner in caimsey and cquqqie, and it hits HARD.

I see c!sunshipduo as the world where me and my partner didn't communicate as well, and ended up being too scared of heartbreak after years of having loved ones abandon us, and cutting the relationship off before it could fully bloom.

I saw some people being like "woah, aimsey and quqqie sound so genuinely sad in their acting, thats really impressive. I wonder how" and I can tell you, watching Endless Sunsets, it... it broke me, thinking of me and my partner (or our half-us/half-oc characters) as c!sunshipduo. I imagined losing my partner, either the way that caimsey or cquqqie did, and I cried. I'm still crying as i write this. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my partner, and being a creature of anxiety, i worry about it a lot. I've had nightmares about something bad happening, and never seeing xem again.

Seeing caimsey continue living eased some of that weight in my chest. Because even if things go horribly wrong and something happened to my partner, life goes on. cquqqie would have wanted caimsey to live, and so they did. I now know that I'd do the same.

Idk, I might come back to this either as an edit or a reblog to dump more thoughts, or to actually organize the damn thing.

and yall!! I'd love to see your stories of your feelings regarding the caimsey finale, and how it helped you, if you're comfortable :]

Thank you so much @aimseytv for making this beautiful character that helped both you and us grow as people, becoming who we are today. We will all continue to bloom.

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[t-lostinworlds]

no, your likes aren't public, but i saw that you did like it when i was going to block everyone who interacted with that rude post and i was just shocked that you, someone i genuinely respected, did. you can rail against me being a 'bad' friend all you want, but i don't get why you can't see how that MIGHT be a little upsetting especially when you've made friendships over this fandom?

you can say the post wasn't that serious all you want, but genuinely, this about the same person who just a few months ago said that he was dealing with anxiety over seeing the mean crap people say about him online, and that WAS mean crap. there's just SO many better ways to express that you want him to work rather than calling him 'fucking pathetic'. like that is just wild to me and two faced as hell when no one here had any problem with him taking some time off when he was recently at home.

it just truly sucks that so few of the people i'm friends with here have the maturity to realize that it's just simply not a big deal if he's in a relationship. of all the things for yall to be mad at him over, THAT really takes the cake. anyways, i absolutely stand by what i said. aiming that amount of vitriol to a dude who has done NOTHING wrong is making this fandom just miserable and i truly cannot believe it happens over and over again every time he's seen with her. it's toxic and i'm just so frustrated you can't see that.

honestly, how will i even know who you are when you're sending me asks ON ANON. bro, my dms are open to EVERYONE. literally anyone can send me a message whether i follow them or not. i have that open so people can reach out to me any time they want whoever they might be but you choose to send me this as an ask over ANON. do you know what message that sends me? you want this public. you won't say this shit to my face bc then it's just you and me having a conversation. but you want to let all the people know how much of a 'horrible person' i am so then you can have more anons to back you up. bc power in numbers right? until someone is driven off this site? what kind of friend does that make you?

and all because i liked a post. it's actually funny how you got all of those claims from me liking ONE SINGLE POST. you're accusing me of attacking tom, of berating his whole entire being, of disregarding his mental health when all i did was like a post that said they missed the days when tom was seen as an individual. and i honestly don't see where your problem with that is. why is it such a crime for people to want to support his craft and his craft alone? and fine, the language was a bit offhanded but i've literally seen people call him WORSE THINGS on actual sites he can SEE. hell i saw another post in the tags that spoke meaner things about him which i don't even agree with. but me liking a post that deadass wasn't so fucking deep and was literally one single sentence compared to a whole article is suddenly a testament to my whole being and how awful i am? why are you acting like i've made such a disgusting take when I DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE DAMN POST. it's such a crime to fucking like things without it having a deeper meaning nowadays huh?

i honestly really want you to show me all the times i made a big deal out of this relationship. or me being mad over it bc it honestly feels like you're just dumping this all on me just to get your frustration towards other people out. bc by this point, you're just putting words in my mouth. is it bc i'm not reblogging stalkerish photos of them? is it bc i have said NOTHING about it instead cooing and awwing at every picture? is that why you immediately came to a conclusion that i have such a problem with him being in a relationship bc i am not waving a big banner that they look so darn cute together?

and you know what, i wasn't going to add this but fuck it. i'm pissed now. it's so fucking rich of you to keep talking about his mental health and how i'm causing so much damage to it when i have said nothing bad about this guy in my own posts or made my own takes on a site he has no idea exists when you're not even stopping to think about what you are doing to my mental health by coming to my own safe space guns blazing accusing me of shit i didn't even do. a bit hypocritical if you ask me. or maybe i just need to be rich and famous for you to actually care about that too.

[irlkanamedate]

The current state of my mental health.

Gonna be real honest right off the bat. Its bad. You guys know its been bad but I mean its real bad right now.

Im a mess and it won't make any real sense i dont think so read or not, its under a cut.

[Suicidal, eating disorder, just in general bad shit I guess]

Its been months of feeling worse and worse and feeling utterly hopeless and lost. Months of constant bullshit from either my brain, my living situation, my fucking financial situation, or whatever else decides to come by and ruin what I thought was things getting better.

I find myself once again falling back into the delusional spiral because I'm having a harder and harder time regulating my emotions and mental state and if I had ever been mean or snippy or just awful to you guys, I am genuinely sorry. I dont even remember a lot of this shit I did cause my visual timeline of things have been cut so much due to just being in this black fog of self loathing.

And maybe it is my own fault for self sabotaging and dipping from so many things. Ruining friendships and all idk. Hell i can't even bring myself to actually talk to a lot of you guys cause im just so... fucking lost.

Constantly torn between multiple different sorts of realities in my brain and being too much in a constant bad mood to feel comfortable engaging or I might say something bad or be snippy so I just run away from it again and again.

I am just some kind of burden to you guys in my own mind. Some kinda burden to my own family. Just some hopeless directionless corpse that genuinely feels like I have made no real impact to anyone. And it isnt any of your faults. I know this isn't really... true. But its such an active hard struggle to fight against this pure delusional thought that I get so tired.

I get so tired trying to just... remind myself over and over. And then my brain fight back going like "if it isnt true then why are you the only one saying it? Where is your proof?" Or pulling some other bullshit move to make me believe this false reality.

Im so tired guys. But I hate being a burden. You guys say I'm not some times but I can't stop feeling like one.

Im not saying this or ever do anything to make you guys shower me in affection and love. I never want to manipulate that sort of thing. I never intend to. But sometimes I think I do it subconsciously cause im just fucking blinded by so much shit.

I cant help but think how much I might actually be a horrible person.

Especially when I want to be mad. I want to get angry. I want to lash out. But I know its often unreasonable. But fuck when I try to be reasonable and hold back and try to be mature I still get a fucking shit result.

I dont know what to do.

I feel like everything is always and has always been my fault. My fault always my fucking fault. It's my fault I can't make decisions. My fault im a people pleaser. My fault I got assaulted. My fault I am poor.

I stopped eating cause I believed it could help my mom if she didn't have to feed mr along with that fucking bastard but here I am spending money on non essentials cause it made me happy.

But nothing really makes me happy in the end does it?

Im still here. Shit living situation, poor as shit, unable to hold a job due to multiple reasons. Unable to get proper medical care. Unable to truely be the fucking man I want to be. Unable to express anything properly and truely.

Im suicidal as shit. I made promises to many people I wont do it. And I still won't. But because guilt is whats keeping me here really.

I do love all my friends so much. I appriciate so much of what you guys do for me. And im so angry and upset I can't always see that cause my brain is so hell bent on killing me.

So I just feel guilty all the time. That I still feel like fucking shit even though I get love and care. I feel guilty for asking for things. Feel guilty for taking up space, for needing things, for just being alive but also feeling guilty for wanting to die all the time now. But I can't kill myself cause I feel guilty for breaking promises and making people sad. But I feel guilty for expressing just how bad I am cause that makes people sad.

Im stuck here by guilt and I dont know how to change that so I just feel worse and worse and worse. I cant eat but I try to eat a little so I dont make people feel too bad but I hate eating.

I dont know. I just dont know anymore.

I cant see any real future for me. I just can't.

And so im just... stuck here. Just existing day by day. Silently hoping one day I just never wake up again. Cause then I didnt make that choice. Something or someone else did for me. And I wont have to feel that guilty. Or something. Or at all cause I wasn't really awake. I dont know.

Im sorry. I'm just not ok. And this isnt even all of it i dont think but im just... so tired.

I am so tired guys.

[our-inspire-verse]

I am! Not great again! Why I'd did that. Stuff /VeryNegative under the cut

Just. Jesus fucking christ when will these flashbacks stop. I SAW myself die again. And then i also, MORESO have to watch Alder find me again and again. He fucking. Kept yelling my name. He kept calling for me, desperate. He was so hurt. I was already cold. He couldn't do anything, it wasnt his fault. But he tried so hard. And then he sat there for so long.

How could i have not known. Twice. There was an attempt in my timeline but thank fucking GOD i failed. Can you fucking imagine I'd succeeded? Was it better he was alone? What would it have been like if Dan and Cadance were there and i succeeded? Because they helped him when i failed. But something broke in the other timeline within him. I can see it in the way he put his hand on my shoulder. That was something he did in our lifetime, he'd just gently stroke my shoulder. It grounded me, it was affectionate, it felt really nice. I can sense the thoughts in his head. "He can't feel this now"

I've been gone for hours. I probably was before he ever could have made it home. I was alone in my room like that for sO long and i died afraid. Thats all i can think about was how afraid i was. I didn't think anyone cared about me, i know i was more isolated from Dan in this universe. I know i was more cruel to myself. And knowing these are facts of how these things work is one thing. Actually seeing where that switch over was, thats another. The way that allowing love into your life saves you in impossible to know ways. You have to allow people to love you.

You will die without it.

And knowing i didn't have a chance to be saved in this one. Knowing there was a real possibility of it going bad, it wasn't just a silly cry for attention written by a sad artist. It was the possibility of my mental health taking over and ruining my father's(chosen) life. It was the fact that i do have an impact on my future and i have to decide to have one. Theres nothing i can do to help either damned soul now, there's something so uniquely heart shattering about having to live with grief like this. It is not mine, it is of mine. It is of me. It is a holy sensation that i regard with vile distaste. The feeling is important, more important than a lot of things.

Growing up this life i never thought i would live past 10. Then a lot of other numbers. How original. How horrible. It actually is horrible. Desensitization makes. These numbers these thoughts, its hard to recognize im sad about it since its so normalized. But being 7 and suicidal isn't. And i cant believe i carried that and my past life all this time like this. And now that im so aware, ill carry it differently. I can't believe i lived so long. I cant believe im gonna KEEP living so long. I havent felt genuinely suicidal in ages. I can be real, and say the idealization is there, but it's more about the fantasy of getting help for it. But recieving memories like this reminds me of how bad that hurt. For decades. And how bad it hurt alternate or past selves, and those loved ones there. I'm so sorry Alder, i desperately wish there was anything i could do. To take it back, to help heal, to love you better than i did. Your cabin stayed empty, my room stayed where it was, and you stayed alone. Dan stayed over, but not much. You never got to know Cadance. You met briefly and never became friends.

I did all of that. Everything was actually because of me. I can't take that right now. I was resting and these memories wont stop. It's incredible though. How bright the sun is from up here. How even though pain burns more intensely than it usually does from this height, so does the love. How much the love permeated in every crack and crevice last life. How i let the light in and hope filled us all up. Even during loss and pain and torture, even losing each other. It was okay. Because at least it happened.

[gremjaylin]

I want to cry, I need to cry, but I can't get myself to cry

It's so hard to get my body to let me cry, even in private

And why do I want to cry right now? Because apparently my mother cares too much about a math test that doesn't even affect my final grade

Because apparently she doesn't want to listen to me when I say that I will get better before the midterm exams and final exams

She says I don't have enough time, but don't I have a whole month or 2 to study? Don't I have the time to focus on my studies? Maybe if you didn't take me outdoors so much, I'd actually try to get better with math and science

I'm always so ashamed and scared to ask for help

I'm scared to admit I don't understand something and I let myself suffer as I struggle to understand what is being explained in the book

I want to cry because I don't consider the test important

And I'm not alone in this belief as a classmate of mine even said "It's not really important, but we still have to take it"

It's so unimportant that if I missed a day of school where there was a test, I wouldn't be forced to take it the next day nor would I have consequences for missing it

Why is it that my mother cares so much about it? If you care about my future and my final grade, why do you degrade me, why do you insult and hurt me, why do you care about something that doesn't even fucking apply to the final grade?

Do you even care about me?

Of course you don't

You never did

When I said I don't feel mentally ok or well enough to go to school the next day, you acted like it wasn't a big deal

You acted like it has no affect on my studies

You just advised me to not talk about my family problems with anyone in the school

You didn't give a shit if these family problems are actually affecting me and my studies

You didn't give a shit to think that the possibility of you and my father divorcing is what's going to give me a horrible grade

You never cared about mental health

You never cared about how much pain I'm actually going through

You never cared about how demotivated I am, how much I hate school, how much I genuinely want to cry every night and day because I know that I'm going to school against my will

Every night after school, I want to cry and sob in my bed because I have to go to school tomorrow

On school days, I pray that I get sick so I can have an excuse to not attend

I told you I prefer to be homeschooled

I told you I feel I do better studying at home than at school

But you didn't care

You don't care if I genuinely studied and tried hard to understand and memorize everything but still failed

You don't care to try to lift my spirits

You don't care to say "You did your best" or "I will help you with whatever you need help with" in a kind and caring tone

No

Instead you hurt me by calling me an idiot, calling me the R slur, you demotivate me further and make me feel even worse by saying I'm just a lazy bum that does nothing but play

You don't know how much I genuinely want to die because of these things

You don't know how much I want to ask for help, but I feel ashamed to do it, especially since you're the one that said "You're a teenager, you're supposed to be responsible, you should do your studies by yourself"

I know you said I can ask for help as long as it isn't the entire book

But you need to understand that this is how I've lived my entire life

Scared to ask for help out of shame because I'm expected to do excellent work, because I'm expected to already understand, because I used to get the highest grades and scores in my class and I was proud of it and now I'm scared to show that I still need help

Idk if there's something wrong with me, but I do know that if you tried to be a little bit more kinder, if you tried to let me have my mental health breaks, if you tried to listen to me and understand me better, if you tried to actually care, if you tried to let me do it by myself instead of you reminding me

Things would've maybe been different

[justaturtleindisguise]

"this kind of thing was done against me today" if someone genuinely told you to k*ll yourself then that's horrific, but honestly i'm a bit skeptical. post the message, show us the proof. i saw the post and you genuinely hurt a real person, and as much as I don't blame you since you're a young person who was clearly indoctrinated into this hatred, you've got to take some accountability by changing your actions. im glad you're being open minded to other anons though /gen

I'm sorry, that was weird phrasing on my part /gen

In fact, no one told me to kill myself today. I meant to say I was harrased, offended and called a horrible person. Thankfully no death threats too. People did come into my asks to say I made them sick, and that because of me someone died. That i should be really happy with what I did. I erased those from my ask box because i was feeling extremelly bad reading them, so you may not believe me and i won't blame you for that. But it's the truth.

Again, sorry for the phrasing, i still have a awkward grip with english.

I will tell you right now, with 100% sure and true, I never interacted with any proshiper in this site. I never told anyone to die or went after someone with cruel words.

If something did happened then I'm sorry, but that is not my fault.

if u have any proof, any prints that show me doing so, I ask you to show me them. Show me when I went after whoever this person is to harass them. It doesn't exist because it never happened.

I know I didn't do any of that, and whatever happened is not my fault. I will not be blamed for something I did not do.

You don't need to believe me of course, but in this is just a word against the other.

I don't want to pick a fight, I just want to left alone and away from whatever this is.

And I'm not one to be rude to anyone in general, i'm not on that kind of low leveled person, I only answer politely to polite people. The rude ones are ignored and excluded.

If you're one of the anons from before, or a new one, I'll just repeat what I already said; Please block me. I can't do it on my own.

I do not wish to fight, this will fuck mine and yours' mental health.

I just want to be left alone in my safe space and be away from things that are triggering and painful to me.

I'll not answer any more asks about this situation, and I beg y'all to not send any more of those.

Be safe, be better.

Goodbye.

[venus-flame]

ugh...I have a small crush on someone at school...well, two people really, but only one of them I talk to regularly...he's cute, he's well dressed and clean, honestly I think he's fucking sexy, he has a sweet voice, cute expressions, UGH why???

I realized that I strongly associate my feelings of romance and love to people, and when those people are not available to me in that capacity, I get very disappointed. I forget that at the right time, with the right person, the ooey gooey feelings will be there. I believe that I'm just doomed to be miserable, unfortunately, so when I have a crush it's like the end of the world because I can't possibly ever ACTUALLY have a satisfying and healthy love accompanied by feelings of excitement and attraction.

I'm really sick of all the mental-health-stagram accounts hammering it into the minds of their audience that feeling attraction and excitement means OPE! IT'S AN ABUSER! YOU'RE UNCONSCIOUSLY ATTRACTED TO HORRIBLE PEOPLE SO BETTER FUCKING STOP NOW! like??? we can't feel fuzzy feelings anymore without being fucking paranoid that it's danger? yes, it's important to recognize patterns in relationships and guard yourself against shitty people as much as possible, but also, god damn, I want to enjoy a crush every once in a while?!

anyway, I want someone cute and GOOD and genuinely interested in me to ask me out and show me they like me... ugh...

[extra-anchovyz]

thinking about how much happier i am on a mundane daily basis

i spent like most of my life (im 28 now but a good 27 years chunk is what im talking about rn) working through all the mental damage my abusive parents did to me: where i spend every waking second panicking about am i doing the Correct/Right thing, will i be punished, will i be hated for mistakes/shortcomings of being a human, etc.

it was hard to have any interests and hobbies during this time bc even trying to do indulging fun activites was plagued with the anxiety of if i'm doing the Right thing

but it got better espcially starting from when i was like 24, cause i had started to work on my mental health starting at like 20 years old ish maybe even 19 (thanks to my partner)

and i made a lot of pivotal break throughs throughout all this time. ofc understanding someething didn't negate how grueling the actual hard work was, but it was still pivotal to me nonetheless. each time it gave me more hope that i wasn't a lost cause.

i think working through the workaholism this year is what helped me to be so much happier on a daily mundane basis.

i still got so much mental health issues to work through, but i feel less panicked and rushed about it, but more like. the recovery will continue to happen, cause i intend to keep working on it. but

i understand that i can't deny and skip through this large stage of my life where I'm unlearning the destructive and painful conditioning that my parents put me through. I spent a lot of my early 20's angry and grieving how i couldn't be normal cause of parents fucking me over. and im glad i had that oppurtunity to grieve the abuse, cause i think that's an important stage. but im also glad to be at a point where i understand that

there's very little you control about your life, but control isn't what you gives you stability and happiness. and im glad for people like my partner who stuck it out with my worsts and helped me understand a different perspective.

im glad to get to a point of mental health where mistakes aren't scary and aren't reasons to hate and punish myself.

im really glad to be at a point where engaging in interests and passion and hobbies is so much more ...like..genuine, not distracted with the loud mental noises

I love having interests, opinions, passions. the stuff that really makes you feel alive and like a person.

and sometimes - i think this is probably still a lowkey case of dissociation still but- i feel sad for my younger self. that was really painful. but they didn't give up and i didn't give up and we got really lucky with the kind ppl that came into our life , and we're healing and it's wonderful

things felt so impossible and doomed when i was younger. and i can't scold my younger self for thinking that way, cause my parents enforced 18 years of horrible abuse so that was reality to me.

i feel so disconnected from my younger self tho that

i just hope that they're still in there somewhere and able to relax now, but i guess they are cause technically they are me and im doing my best to take things day by day and breathe

im so grateful to my younger self for all those leaps of faith and work they put in. changing my perspective, trying out new routines, reaching out to ppl. learn to let go of control..learn to not distrust ppl but also not blindly trust ppl. it felt so torturous, but thanks to all that effort, im here now

still wip , but im not obsessed with trying to like

struggle to the surface of the water to breathe. everyday doesnt feel suffocating cause of the racket in my head