#but fun lil thing to point out because i literally had my notes app open for this rewatch like i was watching a lecture
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rewatching deadpool & wolverine again for fanfic characterisation purposes (part 2) and can we talk about this scene where logan says "you don't want this"
all the other wolverines wade visited had no qualms with attacking him (even little miss cavillrine!) the moment he stepped foot into their space. THIS logan āš¼ was suffering not only from whiskey dick of the claws but also whiskey dick of the violence
this logan is the only one that hesitated using his claws on wade, or didn't at least respond with aggressiveness (by his standards). we talk a lot about how his blow up at wade in the honda odyssey is really just him projecting, but so is this. when he tells wade "you don't want this", it's him who doesn't want itāhe doesn't want to fight anymore, doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore. look at the expression on his face when he says it. he's so fucking tired of it all
#user: gossippool š#gossippool metas#hugh jackman the actor that you ARE#i mean this isn't a new observation because we know he's internalised all the shit everyone has said about him#and that he thinks he deserves it all#but fun lil thing to point out because i literally had my notes app open for this rewatch like i was watching a lecture#deadpool & wolverine#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#wolverine#logan howlett
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Whatās your fic finding approach? Do you just read the entire hrpf fic tag on ao3 as it gets updated? or is it something else?
at this point it's a lot of just skimming the tag daily (or, well, it's been every few days more recently just as a combo of there being less fic over all and a higher percentage of things that i personally don't read) with about half a dozen things filtered out between ships, characters, and tags
lately i've had open a hrpf tag a bit more heavily filtered that i've been deep diving in from like. oldest to newest? so i'm in like. 2014 rn in that, though i've added word count filters to that despite knowing that there's a lot of spectacular fic out there that's under 4k
but honestly i did a lot of deep diving into tags when i first started reading hrpf (which is kinda what i do with any fandom, i find tropes or pairings i like and deep dive. for hrpf it was kid fic and not a hockey player and zach/willy, but also my standards for any new fandom that are usually identity porn, online dating/dating app related tags, meetcutes, and coffee shop aus) and then just. go from there.
I remember for hrpf specifically i was noticing authors i tended to like (this was pre tracking so that was actually kinda new for me) and i'd read their body of work and then look their bookmarks. i actually found one of my all time favorite fics (the ej/dstrome sugar baby fic) from looking at the gift fics for an author who i literally spent a weekend reading through their entire body of work and was desperate to keep the vibe alive
(checking out the works of the authors of your favorite fics is actually the best and checking their bookmarks is the best and again also gift fics like wow it's such a fun like mish mash and i'll sometimes find gems from other fandoms too)
some ship tags i've been through in their entirety? like i went through the tknp tag fully twice when it was under 300 fics and then kept up with the hrpf tag daily when it was at around 500, so there's very few fics for them that i haven't read that i'd be into. zachwilly i go through once or twice a year. same with mattdrai. i've read through probably all of grilled cheesby, mcstrome, and a couple of others
i've also deep dived into specific players like for a hot minute when i was just craving some good mtkachuk content i just went to his parent tag and looked through literally every sub tag it had for a ship to find things
i think it's also important to note that since i started this blog 18ish months ago i've read under 500k of hrpf fic in a month once, and usually it ranged in the 750k-1.5mil range (it's been a lil less this year because i deeply fixated on 911 and DC at various points so it's been more keeping up and less deep diving)
i also read my friends fics, fics from anyone who follows this blog if i spot it and it doesn't have any of my hard nos, recs from here and recs from friends
anyway i think the answer to this is that i don't know how to like this a normal way and fic has historically been my like. Thing ā¢
#this is a lot more than you asked for but uh i like to talk about this lmao#my approach to like finding fic is a finally honed system#except its based off vibes and level of whatever demon has possessed me that month#gritposting
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Damie Vibecca exes AU part 4
post directory
[em note: this one is LONG i had to split it!!!]
obsetress: deflecting to viola protecting becs
obsetress: once they are dating
obsetress: and thinkin thoughts
em: viola asks rebecca if she wants to put a hit out on peter and rebestiecca is like????
em: thatās hot but
em: u can do that? also maybe donāt. but mostly thatās hot
obsetress: i was literally gonna say peter is still her ex and he's a persistent fucker even though it's been a year at least and viola's response is... not far off from canon!
obsetress: becca just stares at her for a minute and then she's cupping viola's cheek and murmuring "come here" and pulling her down
obsetress: they're like kissing or whatever and rebecca's murmuring "that was hot, you know" between kisses and viola's like "oh?" and becca's like "don't be cheeky, you know it was" and vi just grins against her mouth
em: Iām Really Invested In This Crack Ship
obsetress: ok but rebecca tells jamie and dani about vi offering to put a hit on peter and they're both understandably and reasonably aghast and rebecca's just like (takes a sip of wine, ducks head, smiles to self) i think it's sweet
obsetress: dani and jamie look at each other out of the corners of their eyes
obsetress: (later, dani agrees how absolutely out of line it is but also admits that it sure does feel nice to be so taken care of sometimes)
obsetress: (jamie throws a pillow at her)
obsetress: also thinking about secret soft vibecca are sometimes and how horrified dani and jamie are the first time they see it with their own eyes
em: jamie and dani excessive PDA queens get a taste of their own medicine
em: itās so funny that iām like. always on the verge of viola horny posting but as soon as itās vibecca iām like look at these babies. these beautiful babies
obsetress: viola and rebecca kissing one (1) time at brunch and jamie, arm slung around daniās shoulders, is like āoi, no one wants to see thatā and dani, leaning into jamie, one hand in her lap, crinkles her nose and rebeccaās like āyā youāre kidding, right?ā
obsetress: also like. we talk a lot about what vi does for rebecca but also like
obsetress: vi massive abandonment issues and rebecca just
obsetress: she just stays
em: ur gonna Kill me here lies em
obsetress: i know i didnāt mean to and then i just
obsetress: i canāt think too hard abt them or i will Melt Down but just like
em: look if rebecca can see the best in someone as awful as peter
em: viola isnt nearly as terrible
obsetress: esp vi post dani like
obsetress: sheās obnoxious and haughty and neoliberal but
obsetress: radical love goes a long way!
obsetress: rebecca grounding her thru touch and rebecca slipping her hands around viās and easing them loose when viās hands start to clench and rebecca just pressing a kiss to violaās temple and murmuring āiām here, yeah? with you. not going anywhereā
em: like i just think after eddie dani wouldnt like, just go w the flw any more. like i think abt her challenging viola occasionally
em: lovingly! gently
but like, holding her accountable
em: also violas absolutely little spoon
em: like i know blah blah viola top rebecca top leaning switch but viola little spoon
obsetress: āactually violaā (vi always knows sheās in trouble when dani calls her viola) āthat was really hurtfulā āiām sorry you feel that way, dani, butāā āi donāt need you to be sorry for how i feel. i need you to show me youāre sorry for what you didā
em: dani calls vi the Full Name and viola knows shes in trouble bc thats at least 4 extra vowels w danis midwest accent
em: it is always v surprising how much like, working w kids equips you to work w adults. b/c at least w kids you dont have layers and layers of social nuance to work through. u can just say 'hey. that was hurtful and your apology sucks'
obsetress: meanwhile daniās over here trying to explain to vi intent vs impact and how no, itās not semantics or nuance, itās actually kind of a chasm
em: i kind of love like um. look viola is terrible but she wasnt born terrible
obsetress: she just has a lot to unlearn
em: and id belive that even if i wasnt a ghostfucker thats just rogers theory of self actualisation babyeee
obsetress: dani viola big fight n dani's like
obsetress: "i'm sorry and i love you but it's not my job to fix you, vi" and she just breaks down and she's like "it's not"
obsetress: jesus why did my brain take THAT turn
em: wrow
em: its ok i was gonna be like 'so they obvs break up at some point....'
obsetress: anyway viola just stares at her for a second and then she's like "you put the 'i'm sorry' before the 'i love you'"
obsetress: and dani just stares at her for a long time and she's like "yeah. i guess i did"
em: HANNAH
em: BESTIE
obsetress: i KNOW what the FUCK
obsetress: anyway dani's like "i guess i did" and vi's like "is that it then?" and dani just looks at her with her puffy eyes and is like "i think so"
obsetress: dani clayton queen of saying "i love you" over and over in the midst of breaking up w someone
em: well! she has a lot of love to give but, she also has to love herself sometimes!
em: i was thinking abt scenarios n i just remembered that. whole video rental shop thing so i think that slots in nicely
[em edit: u can read here]
obsetress: god i love that lil scene
em: dani sends viola a tentative little meme peace offering and they get back to talking and its nice but maybe a bit awkward and viola mentions like, going to therapy and seeing someone for help n its
obsetress: vi's stewing on "i can't fix you" for weeks and then she's begrudgingly. BEGRUDGINGLY calling a therapist
em: like its still awkward and dani is still nursing some wounds but she can ALSO be happy for someone she used to care about
em: still cares about!
obsetress: she's always gonna love her in some way or another
obsetress: but yeah also like. smth to viola being too stubborn to do anything she doesn't wanna do except suddenly when dani clayton gets involved and that feels p canon in its own way too
em: 'i cant fix u' weird bc every time i see viola im like 'i can fix her'
obsetress: it's like ur in my head bestie
em: how do u think viola and rebestiecca met
em: not that u think abt it or anything
obsetress: MAN i was just thnking
obsetress: in this universe how did dani and jamie meet but i guess it can still just be bly tbh
obsetress: as for vi and bestiecca hmmm
em: am so caught up in the joy of fucked up interpersnal dynamics i forgot a meet cute
obsetress: honestly part of me wants to be like
obsetress: on some dating app but a dating app for posh people yk
obsetress: but then i'm like
obsetress: that takes all the meet cute fun out of it
obsetress: oh GOD
obsetress: i got it
obsetress: ready
obsetress: so like viola landlord we know this
obsetress: and then i was watching whatever ep three the other day and bex mentions wanting to do public law right
em: oooooh
obsetress: bex public housing attorney
em: OOH
obsetress: they meet at some conference
obsetress: hit it off prob fuck lbr
obsetress: and then
obsetress: comedy of errors
obsetress: whoever stays the night, they sleep together again in the morning, breakfast in bed, bex is like "so what do you do, anyway"
em: hjgbjshmdnfbmngbmhnbgs,hndg m,shndgds
em: YES
obsetress: and then they just
em: WHEEZES
obsetress: also i like to think rebecca invites vi back to her hotel room and vi is so charmed by her taking charge ("""taking charge""") that she lets her
obsetress: and then like
obsetress: god for a while what if they just like
obsetress: they're so mortified and morally and fundamentally at odds but like
obsetress: the sex is so good???????
obsetress: that they keep just meeting up and then
em: romeo and juliet situation
obsetress: yk how it goes
obsetress: the sex is good and they see each other as like
em: thats so fucking good thank u hannah
obsetress: super rare intellectual equals whatever
obsetress: thank u i am exceedingly proud rn
obsetress: honestly at this point i'm
obsetress: rebecca and vi uhaul change my mind
obsetress: like not too quick because isabel but, quick enough to be considered
em: so the joke is like. obviously 'extremely pda damie' but when rebecca and vi are alone they Also cannot get their hands off each other
obsetress: they both just. worry about appearances too much meanwhile
obsetress: tweedle dee and tweedle dum in the overalls and mom jeans dgaf
em: accidentally seeing ur friends compromised is just part of the package of being friends w damie. however jamie accidentally catches vibecca in the act and shes Horrified
em: hypocrits
em: danis like yeah what do u. think theyre doing
em: dani is nonchallant bc shes dated viola of all people
obsetress: i mean could you imagine
obsetress: between vi and dani's just
obsetress: insatiable libido
em: HADNT IMAGINED UNTIL NOW BUT YEAH
obsetress: dani, very seriously: jamie, when two women love each otherāā
em: dani likes dating jamie bc it means she can top occasionally :) maybe even more than occasionally
em: jamies like ooh my god i knw i know how are u so casual about... rebecca... and ... viola... (dani just pulls her in fr a smooch)
obsetress: they have each other's clothes half off and dani's like "i'm so casual because i dated her too, babe" and jamie's like "can we not have this conversation right n"
obsetress: also i still have this on my clipboard from earlier we bopped around so fast but
obsetress: vi and bex hooking up early on:
obsetress: rebecca knocks on vi's door at, like, 6:00 pm after work, vi opens it, rebecca just grabs her and kisses her, vi pulls her in, becca kicks it closed behind her, vi shoves her against the door and they're kissing against it, then vi's ducking her head to kiss along rebecca's neck and rebecca's like "how many people did you evict today" as she angles her head and then viola's finding her lips again and tugging at her lower lip with her teeth "probably not as many landlords as you shortchanged today" and rebecca's laughing and pushing her backwards down the hall as viola tugs at her blouse
em: GOD. viola is probably like
em: ok, disclaimer: fuck all landlords
em: but at least in this fantasy world perhaps viola is 'fairly' 'reasonable' n shes absolutely playing it up for the hate sex angle n rebecca Maybe Assumes shes lying but
em: stupid morons in love
obsetress: yeah
obsetress: i think i've mentioned this before but like
obsetress: now that it's more fleshed out
obsetress: then they're at drinks one night (and when did it go from just sex to drinks? neither of them could tell you) and viola's kinda quiet n moody (n rebecca already knows she Gets Like This sometimes and that she'll usually say whatever she's thinking eventually) and finally she's like
obsetress: "i have... a daughter" and rebecca's just like "tell me about her" like it's the easiest thing in the world
obsetress: and viola's head snaps over and she stares because she was.... not expecting that
obsetress: and so viola does
obsetress: and rebecca's just like "i'd love to meet her one day"
em: soft.....
obsetress: they always turn back to soft
obsetress: like they have a fuckin mind of their own
em: rapidly oscillate between horny and soft
obsetress: that's the mood
em: violas probably like. yknow, rebecca's young and up and cming n she probably assumes rebesticca isnt interested as something as full on as a kid but shes like 'do you have any photos'
obsetress: fuck!!!!!!!!!
em: rebeccas like do u think i didnt. see the photos at ur apartment lmao
em: theres a childs drawing on the fridge
obsetress: rebecca has known almost from the jump but was
obsetress: giving viola her time
obsetress: also smth smth giving her time instead of time wearing her away etc etc we're all in hell
em: cracks knuckles
em: bestie....
obsetress: pls
obsetress: it's what i deserve
obsetress: first tho
obsetress: consider
obsetress: the way viola's face lights up when she's talking about isabel and showing rebecca all the pictures
obsetress: hold pls
em: soft......
obsetress: this one chief
obsetress: right here
#the dani jamie viola rebecca exes au#i have some old ones i wanna get through so bad just for the joy of#jamie: actually viola i DONT think cocaine is vega#vegan i meant vegan#but tumblr user obsetress mentioned the break up so! so. a recent convo
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Tips on creating fun fanfic headers!
i had so much fun writing the fanfic writing tips yesterday and i got a few more questions about header-making, and so i decided to make one more of these! i hope these tips help somebody out there! hope you enjoy :)Ā
p.s.Ā these tips wonāt require any hard editing skills or photoshop skills, nor any expensive tablets/apps!Ā
typically i spend around ~5-10 min creating one header, and thatās either after i think of/finish a fic. i have so much fun doing it and sharing it with you that i figured iād share how i do it!Ā
why headers?Ā
as I talked about in my fic tips, one of the most eye-catching things about fics are headers. when iām scrolling through a rec page, my home page, a tag, or even someoneās masterlist, iām immediately drawn to well-made headers. thatāsĀ what captures my attention, and then iām more drawn in by the content. so, you can say that headers is your own version of an ad for your own fic, or an extension of it (like the cover of a novel!)Ā
if you were writing your own book, imagine how much time youād spend figuring out what you wanted your cover to look like. i try to have as much fun and invest as much time making my own headers because itās just the cherry on top to my finished product :)Ā
disclaimer:Ā BUT HEADERS ARE NOT NECESSARY/DO OR DIE! if you donāt feel like you want to do this, then keep writing! its ok! this is just a suggestion. iāve seen plenty of well-written fics without headers at all, so donāt beat yourself up over not having one/not wanting to do one. this is truly just a fun, extra kind of thing, and only keep reading if you want to learn how i do it! :)Ā
tips for people who donāt want to make headers: if you still want somethingĀ to make your fic stand out, use gifs! i use them in my drabbles a lot! this will at least give ur fic a lil boost!Ā
how to find pictures
I typically use unsplash, which is a free website in which photographers upload their HQ pics for free use. the pics are really high quality, typically stock photos, and donāt have any logos on them like other ones on google. unfortunately, you wonāt find any pics of the members or anything, but youāll find beautiful stock photos of typical scenes likeĀ āocean sceneā orĀ ādesert scene.ā I found the stock photo for cut me open (shown below) on that site by just looking upĀ āmedicalā orĀ ādoctorā.Ā
i used to use google a lot and just use keywords likeĀ ādesert scene HQā and edit the search settings to deliver HQ pics, and a minimum # of pixels, but unplash is definitely better in terms of quality, more aesthetic photos, and no logos/watermarks.Ā
on some occasions, i will screenshot some scenes of youtube videos, turning up the quality to 1080p or 4k and zooming in so that the pixelation is as crisp as possible, and then editing it later to look good (which iāll explain in a second!)Ā
the above photo was a scene from the specific characters from the drama,Ā ā100 Days My Princeā that I screenshotted from a youtube video that TvN uploaded, recapping the drama. I cropped it just rightĀ so that their faces were left out, which iāll also mention soon!Ā
things to look for when picking pictures:Ā
you want the picture to reflect a specific motif/theme from your fic! if its a moody fic, then try to find a moody scene that you can edit with filters/lighting to look even moodier; or if the charactersā jobs are a big portion of the fic (like cut me open/doctor theme) try to look for stock photos with that shown very clearly!
make sure its high quality: tumblr really dumbs down the quality of the photo when uploading it, so try your best to find something with a lot of pixels in it so that when you start editing, you donāt sacrifice too much of the quality already
try to look for something simple/clean:Ā a picture with too much subject (ie. people in the background, or too much detail) may end up taking away from the main point of your header, which is your title. so find pics without too much clutter!Ā
try to make sure its landscape: which will help during editing to save some of the quality better.Ā
editing your pictures
now that you have a specific photo you want to use, now its time to edit! I use VSCO CAM (free app) and my own apple photos cropping tool for faster crops.Ā
crop/adjust: if your picture is too large/wide, crop it to at least a 16:9 ratio. iād say aim for skinnier if you can, so that you donāt take up too much space (especially if youāre planning to add headers to your masterlist).Ā also crop out any faces, any clutter, any unnecessary details, so you have a nice, clean slate to work on when adding text.Ā
contrast/sharpen/clarity/white balance/etc.: iām not gonna give you a lesson on photography, but iāll tell you I learned like 80% of everything that i know just by fiddling with it on VSCO! So just try it out and play with the app, see what you can make of it. iād say a rule of thumb to follow is that you want happier fics with a brighter tone, and moodier/angsty fics with a darker toneĀ so that it can reflect the nature of the fic further, without saying anything!Ā
if you wanna be extra af like me, then go a step further and photoshopĀ your pics. this one is a good example; when i screenshotted this scene from another youtube video for my ficĀ One Year My Love part 2, i was specifically looking for a scene that would showcase the ornate/regal details of their clothing/environment in contrast to part 1ā²s modest clothing/scene (the first header in this post).Ā
i found this scene, but actually, this scene portrays the Crown Prince and the Princess, not y/n. So, the actors werenāt smiling at all! They were actually frowning at eachother in this scene, to portray the tension between the two characters and their marriage.Ā
So, I took the extra step, adjusting the pic with VSCO so that their shoulders/chins were at the same level, cropped off their faces up until their lips, and then used the adobe photoshop free app to photoshop their lips to be SMILING at eachother!!!! subtle, but important!Ā
call me crazy for taking that much time but iām so proud of how it turned out and i loved every second of making this one. that way, this scene makes it portray the happy ending for Jungkook and y/n!Ā
adding text to your header
you can use any app out there, but i really like Font Candy!Ā I actually ended up buying the 2$ version of this and never regretted it, but you can actually find a lot of their basic fonts on the free version; I tend to use the fonts:Ā OSTRICH SANS, BEBAS, TREND, and INTROĀ the most! these are pretty clean-looking, block letters that look good whenever i put them as my titles.Ā
I love this app too cause you can easily control the spacing between letters to make them take up more space, add shadows, or even make them contrast their background using the overlay feature; like this one i made for wildest dreams (see how the text changes depending on what part of the photo its on? amazing! itās literally with a click of a button!!)
And iāll always addĀ āwritten by HAYJEONā orĀ āby HAYEJONā, space it out, and add it somewhere underneath as my own branding.
orrrrrrĀ
if you want to be more creative, you can even go a step further and use whatever you have on hand to enhanceĀ whatever youāre trying to portray.Ā
for this one, i ended up finding this amazing photo on unsplash and i thought it would do a create job of portraying theĀ āmovie-setā quality of what wildest dreams is going to be about. this stock photo had someone elseās names on it, so i used my ipad, and used instagram to just erase the existing writing with the color of the background, and then wrote in my own title and url with my own handwriting/apple pen!!!Ā
i thought this was pretty cool because itās like wildest dreams is its own movie/has its own movie set, which, once itās out, you guys will see that itās supposed to be!Ā
saving/uploading
this is pretty easy/obvious, but i figured iād mention it. all the apps i mentioned are available on the appstore, and they will save directly to your photos. after doing that, iāll just upload them into a special folder i have on my google drive so that when iām finished writing a fic on tumblr using my laptop, i can easily download the photos without sacrificing quality. easy!Ā
and that way, i can save them forever; even if i have to delete them from my computer, i can always redownload them!Ā
side note: making text separators
i just recently started doing this, but ever since tumblr took down their text separators, iāve just been cropping the bottom like 5-10 pixels of the header to use as my text separators! (with my laptop)
i saw some other writer doing it and thought that it looked better than what i had used previously (a cropped photo of a random line i found on google); i found that doing this tied my fics together a little better and just looked better aesthetically;Ā
so there it is! hope you enjoyed! :) i would love to see what other tips you guys have been using, feel free to send me an ask or reply to this post; and if you end up using any of my tips, please let me know! I love to hear from you guys all the time <3Ā
lots of love, especially during these times,Ā
hay <3Ā
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Started my job today!
Today was the first day marking the start of my nursing career. There was orientation all about the hospital and itās values, policies, etc so it was a bit boring sitting in a conference room all day in stiff business clothes and I have three more training days before Iām even on the floor.Ā
What Iām most proud of myself today was that I wasnāt a nervous wreck! I hate having to travel/navigate somewhere new, meet new people, etc. Normally I feel uncomfortable. But not today! I was cool, calm, collected, and CONFIDENT.Ā
As I sat at the table, learning about the institution Iām working for and looking out the window at the bridge and skyline, I felt like I am in the right place at the right time in my life. I finally feel like Iām supposed to be a nurse. Like I deserve to be there. Which may sound silly, but honestly, Iāve doubted myself every step of the way during nursing school. I would get positive feedback from my nursing teachers, clinical instructors, and even just nurses on the floor who made me feel likeĀ āthis is what Iām meant to doā but I never fully believed myself. But honestly, Iām sick and tired of living in doubt and shying away from my true potential.
My therapist and I talked last week about getting ready for my new job. I could feel the self-doubt thoughts creeping in already and asked how I could deal with this before I was consumed by it. And my therapistās advice was extremely helpful. Each day, Iām going to reflect on the positive of the day--what I learned, what I knew, what I did good with. And each day, each week, each month, I can look back and reflect on my progress! This is such a healthy habit instead of what I normally would do--which is to fixateĀ on what I didnāt know, what I didnāt do correctly, etc. My therapist also made a good point: they hired me KNOWING Iām BRAND NEW. Theyāre not gonna be surprised, theyāre going to expect to teach me everything. Which is honestly reassuring. Itās not realistic to think Iām going to be aĀ āgreat nurseā when I literally have zero experience, I am a clean slate. I donāt want to come off as nervous/self-conscious so we also discussed how I can present myself which will be more likeĀ āIām really excited to be here and Iām eager to learn as much as I can because Iām brand newā I think this will help keep my rocky confidence stable and build it up from here with these new habits.
ON A DIFFERENT NOTE... I went on a date(ish) this past Saturday. LOL at myself after swearing off dating and then going out again. This guy, Adam, was someone who I connected with on Bumble before turning my profile off and deleting the app from my phone (for my mental well-being) Adam actually asked me out after the first guy fiasco, and I was upfront about not being ready because I got out of a relationship relatively recently. He said he understood as he too got out of a 3 year relationship in August. A few days went by, I sent him a snapchat video of my cat, and I ended up just texting him. We texted for almost a week straight and discovered how much we have in common. Heās also really funny and my kind of weird. We decided to hang out and watchĀ āItās Always Sunnyā together Saturday night at his apartment (since I havenāt seen it all and itās leaving Netflix at the end of the year)Ā
Honestly, we had a good time! I was so nervous I hardly remember what we were talking about but he was showing me shows on Netflix and teaching me how to use chop sticks before the sushi got delivered. We also snuck downstairs to the unit below him since no one is living there yet. It was spooky but fun. He was taller than me (praise jesus) and CUTE. Not necessarily my exact type but still cute and his personality was very attractive. When we met outside his apartment door he hugged me and invited me. Heās just a friendly, goofy guy who made me smell for what the sour food was in his fridge. After we came back upstairs from sneaking around, I went to my purse to get a mint because I didnāt want sushi but struggled to open my gum package open.Ā I think he might of thought that was a single I wanted to kiss because when I turned around (not successful opening it anyway) he kissed me in the middle of the kitchen. All through out the night I was welcomed to the idea to him kissing me, and while he did, I still welcomed it, HOWEVER, the kissing was a FLOP. We just did not mesh. I couldnāt tell whether he was kissing me on the lips or had his tongue in my mouth so Iād pull away and it felt like we werenāt just kissing on the lips but I didnāt feel his tongue??? Like when I make out, I like serious tongue action. Not like the porn kissing where it looks fucking nasty but more like when your tongues are intertwined passionately. I remember my old high school describing that he wanted to almost play tonsil hockey. Which is hilarious and I appreciate him describing it like that because it turns out I really like it like that. And that is something Adam and I could not agree on. So I pulled away in the kitchen, then we started again in his living room, then moved to his couch where he invited me to sit on him (I like) but the kissing did not improve. Was it because we were both pretty tipsy? We sat on the couch for a couple of minutes talking, and it felt a tad awkward probably because we both didnāt enjoy the kissing. I felt like I was maybe getting the vibe he wasĀ ātiredā/didnāt want me there, so I said I was gonna get going. He walked me to his front door and hugged me goodbye.Ā
When I was walking away, I was sure weād probably never hang out again. Which was sort of a bummer because he has a great personality. So when I got home, I texted him and thanked him again for the dinner, told him I had a really good time, and said I wasnāt sure how he felt about it but if he wanted to hang out again, to let me know. Well....he didnāt text back Sunday afternoon but what he said was actually kind of hopeful. I had to consult Kelly and Kira about his text because I couldnāt get a sense on whether he sounded sincere. He said something along the lines ofĀ āi had a lot of fun, youāre really cool. iāll be on a business trip for 12 days (which is true--we talked about it) but maybe when I get back we can hang outā the maybe is what stumped me.
I got some polar advice on how to text back. Kira recommended saying something likeĀ āIād like that! Let me know when youāre back in townā and just saying that. Kelly, however, said I shouldnāt respond at all. She went on to tell me that I should enter the my career feeling focused and not dragged down my uncertainty and negative shit that comes along with dealing with boys (OH, THE BRAIN THING! I donāt think I mentioned it on here--Brian told me the night before thanksgiving that we was really into me, then then GHOSTS ME--like literally removed me on snapchat, blocked my number. i messaged him on instagram and called him a pussy, no lie. It was funny and absurd to figure out I was getting ghosted like honestly itās such a pussy move I canāt even deal with that like BYEeeee boy!!!!)
Anyway, back to what Kelly was advising me, she said that what I went through with this break up was really intense and that Iām still fragile even though Iām beginning to feel good. I need to focus on ME. I almost want to screenshot what she said because itās true.Ā
But what did I end up doing? I double texted Adam. I said what Kira told me to say and then an hour later wished him a good business trip with a lil joke attached to it. He replied and then wished me good luck on my orientation. Iāve snapchatted him twice today but havenāt texted him.
I KNOW what Kelly said is so fucking true. I donāt need anything else on my mind except for my career. And hanging out with positive people. I remember coming home after hanging out with Adam, convinced we wouldnāt hang out again, and telling myself I should start seeing someone when I feel more self-assure, more self-confident. Someone who has hobbies who just hasnāt sat around for the past few months moping on the fucking couch. BUt also, part of me wants someone to hang out with. I donāt see myself dating soon but just someone of the opposite sex to get a drink with at the bar, watch a movie with, do something in the city with, whatever. I see myself being able to just do that without getting to emotionally involved or am I just blinded my naivety? Is that even a word?
Part of me wants to check the bumble app just to see if heās actually in FL on his business. He said he was like 80% sure he was gonna get sent out. Part of me thinks that maybe heād just say weād be in touch after his trip as an excuse to let things fizzle out. My dilemma here is, should I let it fizzle out? What I DO know is that I need to give this dude space. Especially because I wasnāt totally over the moon by him, but he was certainly someone I wanted to hang out with more. Which btw, he was very respective about the recent break up and we didnāt even call it a date (even though sushi, netflix, and smooches totally is) I redownloaded the app but Iām to fight off my urge to log on to see his location (itās kind of creepy isnāt it? me and the fact that bumble shows the town/city the person is currently in)--I donāt want to be crushed/disappointed but I also feel like Iād get an answer.Ā
I GOTTA CALM DOWN. If it fizzles, it fizzles. I donāt want to disappoint Kelly because I really do take what she says to heart because she and I think so much a like but sheās had so many emotional experiences and has been in my position after a horrible break up. Sheās providing me guidance. I should follow her advice because I know it comes from a place of concern and caring.Ā
I donāt know weāll see how this goes. Iām just gonna NOT contact him. Itās gonna be hard but I gotta slow my role. If heās interested heāll show it. Iām an attractive, funny, cool, smart chick. If the kissing was enough to turn him off, so be it! But if he actually does want to hang out, Iām just gonna play it real chill and not get into anything serious too soon. I just want to have fun and heās someone I see have interesting times with.
Weāll see...
Update: I finished this post, checked my snapchat, and he showed me a video of his hotel room and how itās much better than last time. WHAT AM I DOING
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