#but fun lil thing to point out because i literally had my notes app open for this rewatch like i was watching a lecture

[gossippool]

rewatching deadpool & wolverine again for fanfic characterisation purposes (part 2) and can we talk about this scene where logan says "you don't want this"

all the other wolverines wade visited had no qualms with attacking him (even little miss cavillrine!) the moment he stepped foot into their space. THIS logan ☝🏼 was suffering not only from whiskey dick of the claws but also whiskey dick of the violence

this logan is the only one that hesitated using his claws on wade, or didn't at least respond with aggressiveness (by his standards). we talk a lot about how his blow up at wade in the honda odyssey is really just him projecting, but so is this. when he tells wade "you don't want this", it's him who doesn't want it—he doesn't want to fight anymore, doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore. look at the expression on his face when he says it. he's so fucking tired of it all

[grittyreadsfic]

What’s your fic finding approach? Do you just read the entire hrpf fic tag on ao3 as it gets updated? or is it something else?

at this point it's a lot of just skimming the tag daily (or, well, it's been every few days more recently just as a combo of there being less fic over all and a higher percentage of things that i personally don't read) with about half a dozen things filtered out between ships, characters, and tags

lately i've had open a hrpf tag a bit more heavily filtered that i've been deep diving in from like. oldest to newest? so i'm in like. 2014 rn in that, though i've added word count filters to that despite knowing that there's a lot of spectacular fic out there that's under 4k

but honestly i did a lot of deep diving into tags when i first started reading hrpf (which is kinda what i do with any fandom, i find tropes or pairings i like and deep dive. for hrpf it was kid fic and not a hockey player and zach/willy, but also my standards for any new fandom that are usually identity porn, online dating/dating app related tags, meetcutes, and coffee shop aus) and then just. go from there.

I remember for hrpf specifically i was noticing authors i tended to like (this was pre tracking so that was actually kinda new for me) and i'd read their body of work and then look their bookmarks. i actually found one of my all time favorite fics (the ej/dstrome sugar baby fic) from looking at the gift fics for an author who i literally spent a weekend reading through their entire body of work and was desperate to keep the vibe alive

(checking out the works of the authors of your favorite fics is actually the best and checking their bookmarks is the best and again also gift fics like wow it's such a fun like mish mash and i'll sometimes find gems from other fandoms too)

some ship tags i've been through in their entirety? like i went through the tknp tag fully twice when it was under 300 fics and then kept up with the hrpf tag daily when it was at around 500, so there's very few fics for them that i haven't read that i'd be into. zachwilly i go through once or twice a year. same with mattdrai. i've read through probably all of grilled cheesby, mcstrome, and a couple of others

i've also deep dived into specific players like for a hot minute when i was just craving some good mtkachuk content i just went to his parent tag and looked through literally every sub tag it had for a ship to find things

i think it's also important to note that since i started this blog 18ish months ago i've read under 500k of hrpf fic in a month once, and usually it ranged in the 750k-1.5mil range (it's been a lil less this year because i deeply fixated on 911 and DC at various points so it's been more keeping up and less deep diving)

i also read my friends fics, fics from anyone who follows this blog if i spot it and it doesn't have any of my hard nos, recs from here and recs from friends

anyway i think the answer to this is that i don't know how to like this a normal way and fic has historically been my like. Thing ™

[cattles-bians]

Damie Vibecca exes AU part 4

post directory

[em note: this one is LONG i had to split it!!!]

obsetress: deflecting to viola protecting becs

obsetress: once they are dating

obsetress: and thinkin thoughts

em: viola asks rebecca if she wants to put a hit out on peter and rebestiecca is like????

em: that’s hot but

em: u can do that? also maybe don’t. but mostly that’s hot

obsetress: i was literally gonna say peter is still her ex and he's a persistent fucker even though it's been a year at least and viola's response is... not far off from canon!

obsetress: becca just stares at her for a minute and then she's cupping viola's cheek and murmuring "come here" and pulling her down

obsetress: they're like kissing or whatever and rebecca's murmuring "that was hot, you know" between kisses and viola's like "oh?" and becca's like "don't be cheeky, you know it was" and vi just grins against her mouth

em: I’m Really Invested In This Crack Ship

obsetress: ok but rebecca tells jamie and dani about vi offering to put a hit on peter and they're both understandably and reasonably aghast and rebecca's just like (takes a sip of wine, ducks head, smiles to self) i think it's sweet

obsetress: dani and jamie look at each other out of the corners of their eyes

obsetress: (later, dani agrees how absolutely out of line it is but also admits that it sure does feel nice to be so taken care of sometimes)

obsetress: (jamie throws a pillow at her)

obsetress: also thinking about secret soft vibecca are sometimes and how horrified dani and jamie are the first time they see it with their own eyes

em: jamie and dani excessive PDA queens get a taste of their own medicine

em: it’s so funny that i’m like. always on the verge of viola horny posting but as soon as it’s vibecca i’m like look at these babies. these beautiful babies

obsetress: viola and rebecca kissing one (1) time at brunch and jamie, arm slung around dani’s shoulders, is like “oi, no one wants to see that” and dani, leaning into jamie, one hand in her lap, crinkles her nose and rebecca’s like “y— you’re kidding, right?”

obsetress: also like. we talk a lot about what vi does for rebecca but also like

obsetress: vi massive abandonment issues and rebecca just

obsetress: she just stays

em: ur gonna Kill me here lies em

obsetress: i know i didn’t mean to and then i just

obsetress: i can’t think too hard abt them or i will Melt Down but just like

em: look if rebecca can see the best in someone as awful as peter

em: viola isnt nearly as terrible

obsetress: esp vi post dani like

obsetress: she’s obnoxious and haughty and neoliberal but

obsetress: radical love goes a long way!

obsetress: rebecca grounding her thru touch and rebecca slipping her hands around vi’s and easing them loose when vi’s hands start to clench and rebecca just pressing a kiss to viola’s temple and murmuring “i’m here, yeah? with you. not going anywhere”

em: like i just think after eddie dani wouldnt like, just go w the flw any more. like i think abt her challenging viola occasionally

em: lovingly! gently

but like, holding her accountable

em: also violas absolutely little spoon

em: like i know blah blah viola top rebecca top leaning switch but viola little spoon

obsetress: “actually viola” (vi always knows she’s in trouble when dani calls her viola) “that was really hurtful” “i’m sorry you feel that way, dani, but—“ “i don’t need you to be sorry for how i feel. i need you to show me you’re sorry for what you did”

em: dani calls vi the Full Name and viola knows shes in trouble bc thats at least 4 extra vowels w danis midwest accent

em: it is always v surprising how much like, working w kids equips you to work w adults. b/c at least w kids you dont have layers and layers of social nuance to work through. u can just say 'hey. that was hurtful and your apology sucks'

obsetress: meanwhile dani’s over here trying to explain to vi intent vs impact and how no, it’s not semantics or nuance, it’s actually kind of a chasm

em: i kind of love like um. look viola is terrible but she wasnt born terrible

obsetress: she just has a lot to unlearn

em: and id belive that even if i wasnt a ghostfucker thats just rogers theory of self actualisation babyeee

obsetress: dani viola big fight n dani's like

obsetress: "i'm sorry and i love you but it's not my job to fix you, vi" and she just breaks down and she's like "it's not"

obsetress: jesus why did my brain take THAT turn

em: wrow

em: its ok i was gonna be like 'so they obvs break up at some point....'

obsetress: anyway viola just stares at her for a second and then she's like "you put the 'i'm sorry' before the 'i love you'"

obsetress: and dani just stares at her for a long time and she's like "yeah. i guess i did"

em: HANNAH

em: BESTIE

obsetress: i KNOW what the FUCK

obsetress: anyway dani's like "i guess i did" and vi's like "is that it then?" and dani just looks at her with her puffy eyes and is like "i think so"

obsetress: dani clayton queen of saying "i love you" over and over in the midst of breaking up w someone

em: well! she has a lot of love to give but, she also has to love herself sometimes!

em: i was thinking abt scenarios n i just remembered that. whole video rental shop thing so i think that slots in nicely

[em edit: u can read here]

obsetress: god i love that lil scene

em: dani sends viola a tentative little meme peace offering and they get back to talking and its nice but maybe a bit awkward and viola mentions like, going to therapy and seeing someone for help n its

obsetress: vi's stewing on "i can't fix you" for weeks and then she's begrudgingly. BEGRUDGINGLY calling a therapist

em: like its still awkward and dani is still nursing some wounds but she can ALSO be happy for someone she used to care about

em: still cares about!

obsetress: she's always gonna love her in some way or another

obsetress: but yeah also like. smth to viola being too stubborn to do anything she doesn't wanna do except suddenly when dani clayton gets involved and that feels p canon in its own way too

em: 'i cant fix u' weird bc every time i see viola im like 'i can fix her'

obsetress: it's like ur in my head bestie

em: how do u think viola and rebestiecca met

em: not that u think abt it or anything

obsetress: MAN i was just thnking

obsetress: in this universe how did dani and jamie meet but i guess it can still just be bly tbh

obsetress: as for vi and bestiecca hmmm

em: am so caught up in the joy of fucked up interpersnal dynamics i forgot a meet cute

obsetress: honestly part of me wants to be like

obsetress: on some dating app but a dating app for posh people yk

obsetress: but then i'm like

obsetress: that takes all the meet cute fun out of it

obsetress: oh GOD

obsetress: i got it

obsetress: ready

obsetress: so like viola landlord we know this

obsetress: and then i was watching whatever ep three the other day and bex mentions wanting to do public law right

em: oooooh

obsetress: bex public housing attorney

em: OOH

obsetress: they meet at some conference

obsetress: hit it off prob fuck lbr

obsetress: and then

obsetress: comedy of errors

obsetress: whoever stays the night, they sleep together again in the morning, breakfast in bed, bex is like "so what do you do, anyway"

em: hjgbjshmdnfbmngbmhnbgs,hndg m,shndgds

em: YES

obsetress: and then they just

em: WHEEZES

obsetress: also i like to think rebecca invites vi back to her hotel room and vi is so charmed by her taking charge ("""taking charge""") that she lets her

obsetress: and then like

obsetress: god for a while what if they just like

obsetress: they're so mortified and morally and fundamentally at odds but like

obsetress: the sex is so good???????

obsetress: that they keep just meeting up and then

em: romeo and juliet situation

obsetress: yk how it goes

obsetress: the sex is good and they see each other as like

em: thats so fucking good thank u hannah

obsetress: super rare intellectual equals whatever

obsetress: thank u i am exceedingly proud rn

obsetress: honestly at this point i'm

obsetress: rebecca and vi uhaul change my mind

obsetress: like not too quick because isabel but, quick enough to be considered

em: so the joke is like. obviously 'extremely pda damie' but when rebecca and vi are alone they Also cannot get their hands off each other

obsetress: they both just. worry about appearances too much meanwhile

obsetress: tweedle dee and tweedle dum in the overalls and mom jeans dgaf

em: accidentally seeing ur friends compromised is just part of the package of being friends w damie. however jamie accidentally catches vibecca in the act and shes Horrified

em: hypocrits

em: danis like yeah what do u. think theyre doing

em: dani is nonchallant bc shes dated viola of all people

obsetress: i mean could you imagine

obsetress: between vi and dani's just

obsetress: insatiable libido

em: HADNT IMAGINED UNTIL NOW BUT YEAH

obsetress: dani, very seriously: jamie, when two women love each other––

em: dani likes dating jamie bc it means she can top occasionally :) maybe even more than occasionally

em: jamies like ooh my god i knw i know how are u so casual about... rebecca... and ... viola... (dani just pulls her in fr a smooch)

obsetress: they have each other's clothes half off and dani's like "i'm so casual because i dated her too, babe" and jamie's like "can we not have this conversation right n"

obsetress: also i still have this on my clipboard from earlier we bopped around so fast but

obsetress: vi and bex hooking up early on:

obsetress: rebecca knocks on vi's door at, like, 6:00 pm after work, vi opens it, rebecca just grabs her and kisses her, vi pulls her in, becca kicks it closed behind her, vi shoves her against the door and they're kissing against it, then vi's ducking her head to kiss along rebecca's neck and rebecca's like "how many people did you evict today" as she angles her head and then viola's finding her lips again and tugging at her lower lip with her teeth "probably not as many landlords as you shortchanged today" and rebecca's laughing and pushing her backwards down the hall as viola tugs at her blouse

em: GOD. viola is probably like

em: ok, disclaimer: fuck all landlords

em: but at least in this fantasy world perhaps viola is 'fairly' 'reasonable' n shes absolutely playing it up for the hate sex angle n rebecca Maybe Assumes shes lying but

em: stupid morons in love

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: i think i've mentioned this before but like

obsetress: now that it's more fleshed out

obsetress: then they're at drinks one night (and when did it go from just sex to drinks? neither of them could tell you) and viola's kinda quiet n moody (n rebecca already knows she Gets Like This sometimes and that she'll usually say whatever she's thinking eventually) and finally she's like

obsetress: "i have... a daughter" and rebecca's just like "tell me about her" like it's the easiest thing in the world

obsetress: and viola's head snaps over and she stares because she was.... not expecting that

obsetress: and so viola does

obsetress: and rebecca's just like "i'd love to meet her one day"

em: soft.....

obsetress: they always turn back to soft

obsetress: like they have a fuckin mind of their own

em: rapidly oscillate between horny and soft

obsetress: that's the mood

em: violas probably like. yknow, rebecca's young and up and cming n she probably assumes rebesticca isnt interested as something as full on as a kid but shes like 'do you have any photos'

obsetress: fuck!!!!!!!!!

em: rebeccas like do u think i didnt. see the photos at ur apartment lmao

em: theres a childs drawing on the fridge

obsetress: rebecca has known almost from the jump but was

obsetress: giving viola her time

obsetress: also smth smth giving her time instead of time wearing her away etc etc we're all in hell

em: cracks knuckles

em: bestie....

obsetress: pls

obsetress: it's what i deserve

obsetress: first tho

obsetress: consider

obsetress: the way viola's face lights up when she's talking about isabel and showing rebecca all the pictures

obsetress: hold pls

em: soft......

obsetress: this one chief

obsetress: right here

[hayjeon]

Tips on creating fun fanfic headers!

i had so much fun writing the fanfic writing tips yesterday and i got a few more questions about header-making, and so i decided to make one more of these! i hope these tips help somebody out there! hope you enjoy :) 

p.s. these tips won’t require any hard editing skills or photoshop skills, nor any expensive tablets/apps! 

typically i spend around ~5-10 min creating one header, and that’s either after i think of/finish a fic. i have so much fun doing it and sharing it with you that i figured i’d share how i do it! 

why headers? 

as I talked about in my fic tips, one of the most eye-catching things about fics are headers. when i’m scrolling through a rec page, my home page, a tag, or even someone’s masterlist, i’m immediately drawn to well-made headers. that’s what captures my attention, and then i’m more drawn in by the content. so, you can say that headers is your own version of an ad for your own fic, or an extension of it (like the cover of a novel!) 

if you were writing your own book, imagine how much time you’d spend figuring out what you wanted your cover to look like. i try to have as much fun and invest as much time making my own headers because it’s just the cherry on top to my finished product :) 

disclaimer: BUT HEADERS ARE NOT NECESSARY/DO OR DIE! if you don’t feel like you want to do this, then keep writing! its ok! this is just a suggestion. i’ve seen plenty of well-written fics without headers at all, so don’t beat yourself up over not having one/not wanting to do one. this is truly just a fun, extra kind of thing, and only keep reading if you want to learn how i do it! :) 

tips for people who don’t want to make headers: if you still want something to make your fic stand out, use gifs! i use them in my drabbles a lot! this will at least give ur fic a lil boost! 

how to find pictures

I typically use unsplash, which is a free website in which photographers upload their HQ pics for free use. the pics are really high quality, typically stock photos, and don’t have any logos on them like other ones on google. unfortunately, you won’t find any pics of the members or anything, but you’ll find beautiful stock photos of typical scenes like “ocean scene�� or “desert scene.” I found the stock photo for cut me open (shown below) on that site by just looking up “medical” or “doctor”. 

i used to use google a lot and just use keywords like “desert scene HQ” and edit the search settings to deliver HQ pics, and a minimum # of pixels, but unplash is definitely better in terms of quality, more aesthetic photos, and no logos/watermarks. 

on some occasions, i will screenshot some scenes of youtube videos, turning up the quality to 1080p or 4k and zooming in so that the pixelation is as crisp as possible, and then editing it later to look good (which i’ll explain in a second!) 

the above photo was a scene from the specific characters from the drama, “100 Days My Prince” that I screenshotted from a youtube video that TvN uploaded, recapping the drama. I cropped it just right so that their faces were left out, which i’ll also mention soon! 

things to look for when picking pictures: 

you want the picture to reflect a specific motif/theme from your fic! if its a moody fic, then try to find a moody scene that you can edit with filters/lighting to look even moodier; or if the characters’ jobs are a big portion of the fic (like cut me open/doctor theme) try to look for stock photos with that shown very clearly!

make sure its high quality: tumblr really dumbs down the quality of the photo when uploading it, so try your best to find something with a lot of pixels in it so that when you start editing, you don’t sacrifice too much of the quality already

try to look for something simple/clean: a picture with too much subject (ie. people in the background, or too much detail) may end up taking away from the main point of your header, which is your title. so find pics without too much clutter! 

try to make sure its landscape: which will help during editing to save some of the quality better. 

editing your pictures

now that you have a specific photo you want to use, now its time to edit! I use VSCO CAM (free app) and my own apple photos cropping tool for faster crops. 

crop/adjust: if your picture is too large/wide, crop it to at least a 16:9 ratio. i’d say aim for skinnier if you can, so that you don’t take up too much space (especially if you’re planning to add headers to your masterlist). also crop out any faces, any clutter, any unnecessary details, so you have a nice, clean slate to work on when adding text. 

contrast/sharpen/clarity/white balance/etc.: i’m not gonna give you a lesson on photography, but i’ll tell you I learned like 80% of everything that i know just by fiddling with it on VSCO! So just try it out and play with the app, see what you can make of it. i’d say a rule of thumb to follow is that you want happier fics with a brighter tone, and moodier/angsty fics with a darker tone so that it can reflect the nature of the fic further, without saying anything! 

if you wanna be extra af like me, then go a step further and photoshop your pics. this one is a good example; when i screenshotted this scene from another youtube video for my fic One Year My Love part 2, i was specifically looking for a scene that would showcase the ornate/regal details of their clothing/environment in contrast to part 1′s modest clothing/scene (the first header in this post). 

i found this scene, but actually, this scene portrays the Crown Prince and the Princess, not y/n. So, the actors weren’t smiling at all! They were actually frowning at eachother in this scene, to portray the tension between the two characters and their marriage. 

So, I took the extra step, adjusting the pic with VSCO so that their shoulders/chins were at the same level, cropped off their faces up until their lips, and then used the adobe photoshop free app to photoshop their lips to be SMILING at eachother!!!! subtle, but important! 

call me crazy for taking that much time but i’m so proud of how it turned out and i loved every second of making this one. that way, this scene makes it portray the happy ending for Jungkook and y/n! 

adding text to your header

you can use any app out there, but i really like Font Candy! I actually ended up buying the 2$ version of this and never regretted it, but you can actually find a lot of their basic fonts on the free version; I tend to use the fonts: OSTRICH SANS, BEBAS, TREND, and INTRO the most! these are pretty clean-looking, block letters that look good whenever i put them as my titles. 

I love this app too cause you can easily control the spacing between letters to make them take up more space, add shadows, or even make them contrast their background using the overlay feature; like this one i made for wildest dreams (see how the text changes depending on what part of the photo its on? amazing! it’s literally with a click of a button!!)

And i’ll always add “written by HAYJEON” or “by HAYEJON”, space it out, and add it somewhere underneath as my own branding.

orrrrrr 

if you want to be more creative, you can even go a step further and use whatever you have on hand to enhance whatever you’re trying to portray. 

for this one, i ended up finding this amazing photo on unsplash and i thought it would do a create job of portraying the “movie-set” quality of what wildest dreams is going to be about. this stock photo had someone else’s names on it, so i used my ipad, and used instagram to just erase the existing writing with the color of the background, and then wrote in my own title and url with my own handwriting/apple pen!!! 

i thought this was pretty cool because it’s like wildest dreams is its own movie/has its own movie set, which, once it’s out, you guys will see that it’s supposed to be! 

saving/uploading

this is pretty easy/obvious, but i figured i’d mention it. all the apps i mentioned are available on the appstore, and they will save directly to your photos. after doing that, i’ll just upload them into a special folder i have on my google drive so that when i’m finished writing a fic on tumblr using my laptop, i can easily download the photos without sacrificing quality. easy! 

and that way, i can save them forever; even if i have to delete them from my computer, i can always redownload them! 

side note: making text separators

i just recently started doing this, but ever since tumblr took down their text separators, i’ve just been cropping the bottom like 5-10 pixels of the header to use as my text separators! (with my laptop)

i saw some other writer doing it and thought that it looked better than what i had used previously (a cropped photo of a random line i found on google); i found that doing this tied my fics together a little better and just looked better aesthetically; 

so there it is! hope you enjoyed! :) i would love to see what other tips you guys have been using, feel free to send me an ask or reply to this post; and if you end up using any of my tips, please let me know! I love to hear from you guys all the time <3 

lots of love, especially during these times, 

hay <3 

[seriouslysoulsearching-blog]

Started my job today!

Today was the first day marking the start of my nursing career. There was orientation all about the hospital and it’s values, policies, etc so it was a bit boring sitting in a conference room all day in stiff business clothes and I have three more training days before I’m even on the floor. 

What I’m most proud of myself today was that I wasn’t a nervous wreck! I hate having to travel/navigate somewhere new, meet new people, etc. Normally I feel uncomfortable. But not today! I was cool, calm, collected, and CONFIDENT. 

As I sat at the table, learning about the institution I’m working for and looking out the window at the bridge and skyline, I felt like I am in the right place at the right time in my life. I finally feel like I’m supposed to be a nurse. Like I deserve to be there. Which may sound silly, but honestly, I’ve doubted myself every step of the way during nursing school. I would get positive feedback from my nursing teachers, clinical instructors, and even just nurses on the floor who made me feel like “this is what I’m meant to do” but I never fully believed myself. But honestly, I’m sick and tired of living in doubt and shying away from my true potential.

My therapist and I talked last week about getting ready for my new job. I could feel the self-doubt thoughts creeping in already and asked how I could deal with this before I was consumed by it. And my therapist’s advice was extremely helpful. Each day, I’m going to reflect on the positive of the day--what I learned, what I knew, what I did good with. And each day, each week, each month, I can look back and reflect on my progress! This is such a healthy habit instead of what I normally would do--which is to fixate  on what I didn’t know, what I didn’t do correctly, etc. My therapist also made a good point: they hired me KNOWING I’m BRAND NEW. They’re not gonna be surprised, they’re going to expect to teach me everything. Which is honestly reassuring. It’s not realistic to think I’m going to be a “great nurse” when I literally have zero experience, I am a clean slate. I don’t want to come off as nervous/self-conscious so we also discussed how I can present myself which will be more like “I’m really excited to be here and I’m eager to learn as much as I can because I’m brand new” I think this will help keep my rocky confidence stable and build it up from here with these new habits.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE... I went on a date(ish) this past Saturday. LOL at myself after swearing off dating and then going out again. This guy, Adam, was someone who I connected with on Bumble before turning my profile off and deleting the app from my phone (for my mental well-being) Adam actually asked me out after the first guy fiasco, and I was upfront about not being ready because I got out of a relationship relatively recently. He said he understood as he too got out of a 3 year relationship in August. A few days went by, I sent him a snapchat video of my cat, and I ended up just texting him. We texted for almost a week straight and discovered how much we have in common. He’s also really funny and my kind of weird. We decided to hang out and watch “It’s Always Sunny” together Saturday night at his apartment (since I haven’t seen it all and it’s leaving Netflix at the end of the year) 

Honestly, we had a good time! I was so nervous I hardly remember what we were talking about but he was showing me shows on Netflix and teaching me how to use chop sticks before the sushi got delivered. We also snuck downstairs to the unit below him since no one is living there yet. It was spooky but fun. He was taller than me (praise jesus) and CUTE. Not necessarily my exact type but still cute and his personality was very attractive. When we met outside his apartment door he hugged me and invited me. He’s just a friendly, goofy guy who made me smell for what the sour food was in his fridge. After we came back upstairs from sneaking around, I went to my purse to get a mint because I didn’t want sushi but struggled to open my gum package open.  I think he might of thought that was a single I wanted to kiss because when I turned around (not successful opening it anyway) he kissed me in the middle of the kitchen. All through out the night I was welcomed to the idea to him kissing me, and while he did, I still welcomed it, HOWEVER, the kissing was a FLOP. We just did not mesh. I couldn’t tell whether he was kissing me on the lips or had his tongue in my mouth so I’d pull away and it felt like we weren’t just kissing on the lips but I didn’t feel his tongue??? Like when I make out, I like serious tongue action. Not like the porn kissing where it looks fucking nasty but more like when your tongues are intertwined passionately. I remember my old high school describing that he wanted to almost play tonsil hockey. Which is hilarious and I appreciate him describing it like that because it turns out I really like it like that. And that is something Adam and I could not agree on. So I pulled away in the kitchen, then we started again in his living room, then moved to his couch where he invited me to sit on him (I like) but the kissing did not improve. Was it because we were both pretty tipsy? We sat on the couch for a couple of minutes talking, and it felt a tad awkward probably because we both didn’t enjoy the kissing. I felt like I was maybe getting the vibe he was “tired”/didn’t want me there, so I said I was gonna get going. He walked me to his front door and hugged me goodbye. 

When I was walking away, I was sure we’d probably never hang out again. Which was sort of a bummer because he has a great personality. So when I got home, I texted him and thanked him again for the dinner, told him I had a really good time, and said I wasn’t sure how he felt about it but if he wanted to hang out again, to let me know. Well....he didn’t text back Sunday afternoon but what he said was actually kind of hopeful. I had to consult Kelly and Kira about his text because I couldn’t get a sense on whether he sounded sincere. He said something along the lines of “i had a lot of fun, you’re really cool. i’ll be on a business trip for 12 days (which is true--we talked about it) but maybe when I get back we can hang out” the maybe is what stumped me.

I got some polar advice on how to text back. Kira recommended saying something like “I’d like that! Let me know when you’re back in town” and just saying that. Kelly, however, said I shouldn’t respond at all. She went on to tell me that I should enter the my career feeling focused and not dragged down my uncertainty and negative shit that comes along with dealing with boys (OH, THE BRAIN THING! I don’t think I mentioned it on here--Brian told me the night before thanksgiving that we was really into me, then then GHOSTS ME--like literally removed me on snapchat, blocked my number. i messaged him on instagram and called him a pussy, no lie. It was funny and absurd to figure out I was getting ghosted like honestly it’s such a pussy move I can’t even deal with that like BYEeeee boy!!!!)

Anyway, back to what Kelly was advising me, she said that what I went through with this break up was really intense and that I’m still fragile even though I’m beginning to feel good. I need to focus on ME. I almost want to screenshot what she said because it’s true. 

But what did I end up doing? I double texted Adam. I said what Kira told me to say and then an hour later wished him a good business trip with a lil joke attached to it. He replied and then wished me good luck on my orientation. I’ve snapchatted him twice today but haven’t texted him.

I KNOW what Kelly said is so fucking true. I don’t need anything else on my mind except for my career. And hanging out with positive people. I remember coming home after hanging out with Adam, convinced we wouldn’t hang out again, and telling myself I should start seeing someone when I feel more self-assure, more self-confident. Someone who has hobbies who just hasn’t sat around for the past few months moping on the fucking couch. BUt also, part of me wants someone to hang out with. I don’t see myself dating soon but just someone of the opposite sex to get a drink with at the bar, watch a movie with, do something in the city with, whatever. I see myself being able to just do that without getting to emotionally involved or am I just blinded my naivety? Is that even a word?

Part of me wants to check the bumble app just to see if he’s actually in FL on his business. He said he was like 80% sure he was gonna get sent out. Part of me thinks that maybe he’d just say we’d be in touch after his trip as an excuse to let things fizzle out. My dilemma here is, should I let it fizzle out? What I DO know is that I need to give this dude space. Especially because I wasn’t totally over the moon by him, but he was certainly someone I wanted to hang out with more. Which btw, he was very respective about the recent break up and we didn’t even call it a date (even though sushi, netflix, and smooches totally is) I redownloaded the app but I’m to fight off my urge to log on to see his location (it’s kind of creepy isn’t it? me and the fact that bumble shows the town/city the person is currently in)--I don’t want to be crushed/disappointed but I also feel like I’d get an answer. 

I GOTTA CALM DOWN. If it fizzles, it fizzles. I don’t want to disappoint Kelly because I really do take what she says to heart because she and I think so much a like but she’s had so many emotional experiences and has been in my position after a horrible break up. She’s providing me guidance. I should follow her advice because I know it comes from a place of concern and caring. 

I don’t know we’ll see how this goes. I’m just gonna NOT contact him. It’s gonna be hard but I gotta slow my role. If he’s interested he’ll show it. I’m an attractive, funny, cool, smart chick. If the kissing was enough to turn him off, so be it! But if he actually does want to hang out, I’m just gonna play it real chill and not get into anything serious too soon. I just want to have fun and he’s someone I see have interesting times with.

We’ll see...

Update: I finished this post, checked my snapchat, and he showed me a video of his hotel room and how it’s much better than last time. WHAT AM I DOING