#but everyone else either doesnt remember or has Daddy Issues

[noel-levine-fan]

massacre anniversary / father's day

[read more here because it's long due to the amount of images - you'll have to click on the images to view them in full due to diff aspect ratios]

ashe is the only one who cares about father's day

bonus

Notes:

thIS TOOK SO FUCKING LONGGGGG this is more low quality than most of my recent art because i had a LOT to draw and i wanted to finish it today and i knew if i did regular quality i would not have finished it. i initally thought i'd block out single colors for each character and their dialogue boxes at first but i'm not sure if i would've gotten it done today if i did + i'm tired. so a lot of the expressions/composition/etc looks really goofy

this is what the "can someone send me a screenshot of when the massacre happened i have a drawing i want to make and whether or not the massacre happened on that day will affect it" post was about. i just find it exceedingly funny that june 16th is father's day this year and also the day nicholas died. i remember having ideas for a father's day drawing a couple days ago and then looked up the date and saw it was june 16th and was like "holy shit?!?"

i have this headcanon sirius does not remember his parents very well (except for their death which he remembers vividly)

i remember seeing a post saying "rich kids when they say 'father'" and i have no idea who posted it but all i could think of was noel (this isn't a note it's just something funny and relevant)

i know ashe at least in some timelines knows nicholas is noel's father who died on this day and in those timelines he probably wouldn't ask him about father's day but this is already canon breaking since it's in june so let's say this is a timeline where ashe never found that out

[css1992]

could u do more high school au's pls? I was thinking maybe rich popular peter who seems untouchable and then grungy tony who just doesnt care for appearances and hes been pining after peter his whole school life

+

could u make it so that tony is rich and everyone knows it but he just doesn't care about his money and doesnt act rich so it's one of those things that u know but dont acknowledge. also if tony's daddy issues made an appearance id be so happy ty.

I’m so sorry for the delay, but I really do hope this scratches your itch! 

***

He had that sort of beauty that almost hurt to look at. So pure and soft. Pink cheeks, small eyes that squinted when he laughed – which was often –; brown, wavy hair, so shiny and silky-looking; thin, pink lips, always stretched in a smile. He had the most beautiful smile Tony had ever seen, too. Honest and wide, happy.

He was never alone. Of course he wasn’t. He was too magnetic, there were always people drawn to his light, following him around, laughing at his jokes, making him laugh in return. Everyone seemed to want a piece of him, a scrap of his attention. And he, being the lovely human being that he was, made room for anyone who wished to bask in his light.

Jocks liked him. Peter was great at team sports, he was light on his feet and good with his hands. He wasn’t in any teams, though, claimed he didn’t have the time, but he was always picked first in P.E. group activities. Tony knew, watched him at practice way too often – from a distance, of course, as he did his stretches and sit-ups with Rhodes.

Nerds liked him, too. He was really smart, an asset to the Decathlon team, and was always willing to help anyone having trouble in class. Even the weirdos from drama club, glee club and the school band loved him – he never made fun of them, on the contrary, he was always very vocal about how talented they were and how he wished he could be a part of their clubs, too.

Girls swooned at him. He was kind and sweet, a good listener, and gorgeous. Guys weren’t immune to his charms, either. The ones Tony knew for a fact that were gay or bi didn’t even try to pretend they didn’t watch him when he walked down the halls, but even supposedly straight guys, like Steve Rogers, sneaked a peek now and then, face flushed, if he was wearing specially tight jeans.

Tony was jealous of all those people, but he learned to deal with it. He’d been, well, admiring him from a distance for years. He was used to seeing people make passes at him, ask him out. Peter was discreet, though. If he ever dated anyone, nobody ever heard anything about it. He was a mystery, Tony wasn’t even sure if he was gay, straight, bi or whatever – there were rumors that he had made out with Wade Wilson in freshman year, but neither of them confirmed or denied it. Tony hated the guy anyway.

“If you keep staring, people are gonna know you’re in love and not actually dead inside,” Rhodey spoke up right next to him, taking a huge bite of his tuna sandwich. Tony averted his gaze from Peter’s table for a minute and looked at his friend, annoyed. “It’s gonna ruin your whole aesthetic.”

“Very funny,” He rolled his eyes and looked back at Peter. There were so many people around him he could barely catch a glimpse of his smile, which was annoying.

His dad’s company, Parker Innovations, had just released a new phone a few weeks earlier, it was ridiculous how many people thought they could get one for free if they kissed his ass hard enough. At least Tony didn’t have to endure that kind of nonsense anymore. People in that school learned very early on that even though he was related to Howard Stark, he wanted nothing to do with the guy – or his company, or his money. They also learned sucking up to him did nothing but annoy him, so they kind of just forgot he existed over time and he blended right in with everyone else – a blessing in its own right.

“Rhodey is right, you’re drooling, it’s a little embarrassing,” Natasha looked at him with boredom as she nibbled on her fries. “You should just ask him out, you’ve been pining for ages.”

“I’m not pining,” he huffed, irritated, and the redhead smirked, raising a perfectly manicured brow.

“Right, yearning might be more accurate. Bruce?” She glanced at their other friend who scratched his chin, pretending to think about it.

“I think obsessing sounds more like it. Rhodey?”  

“Fuck you guys,” he barked before they could keep the game going, and all three laughed at him. Someone got up from Peter’s table and he caught a glimpse of his beautiful face, their eyes made contact for half a second and Tony looked away.

“No, but seriously, Tones. Just go talk to him, he’s a great guy, I’m sure he wouldn’t be an ass about it.” Bruce adjusted his glasses and said that like it was simple. Like he would have the guts to do it if he was in Tony’s position – he wouldn’t, he’d pined for Thor, an exchange student, for a year, and never worked up the courage to ask him out. The guy went back to Norway or whatever and Bruce never even said hi to him.

“I know, of course he wouldn’t, but I don’t wanna be one of those people begging for his attention, just look at that.” He pointed at the little crowd around him, people were almost literally fighting for his attention, the poor guy could barely finish his lunch. “It’s ridiculous.”

“Yeah, but you’re not them,” Natasha said that like it was the most obvious thing in the world and Tony frowned.

“How am I different?”

“You’re a certified genius, you and him have similar interests and you look hot in a ‘I’m gonna fuck  you raw in the back of my car’ kinda way. I don’t know, maybe he’s into that.” The redhead shrugged, again, saying all that like it was obvious and an unquestionable truth.

“Yeah, right, sounds just like him,” Tony scoffed.

Peter was perfect in so many ways – perfect face, perfect body, perfect grades, Tony was sure he pooped out candy or something – of course he wouldn’t go for a guy like him. He had a bad reputation, he was in detention more often than not and people in general considered him an asshole – all because he didn’t partake in their little games of social climbing or whatever. No, Peter wouldn’t go for his grungy ass. He’d probably go for all American, apple pie, boy-next-door Steve Rogers.

“No, she’s right, I’ve seen him looking at you several times.” Bruce pointed out, not for the first time, and Tony scoffed.

“Oh, yeah? When?”

“AP chemistry class. I’m his lab partner, remember?” How could Tony forget? As Mr. Erskine called out their names, Tony prayed to a God he didn’t even believe in that he’d be paired up with Peter, but no such luck. “He stares at you whenever he has a chance or an excuse. You know, when you blow things up, for example.”

“Yeah, which is why he must stare, he must be afraid for his life.” Tony hated to admit that he was way more prone to causing explosive accidents when Peter was in the room. It was fucking embarrassing.

He sighed, drinking the last of his coke. No matter what his friends said, he knew he didn’t stand a chance with Peter. He was… Untouchable. He was too good for him, Tony wasn’t even sure he’d want to taint him if he had a chance –  no, scratch that, he definitely would.

He chose to watch him from afar, allowing himself a few fantasies and daydreams. He had this really stupid and lame one, where he walked up to Peter in the hall, people just parted to let him through, then he gave him his trademark, lopsided grin and asked him out. Peter smiled brightly up at him, holding his books to his chest, cheeks flushed, eyelashes fluttering as he whispered a shy “yes” and leaned up to kiss him. Yeah. That was the whole fantasy.

Peter was so untouchable to him that he didn’t even dare to dream further than that. Of course when he was alone in his room, late at night, relieving himself, a few… less pure fantasies popped up unsolicited, but he felt so guilty then, dirty even, like he was disrespecting him somehow. It was all very confusing, but he still came, shamefully, to the thought of his beautiful face scrunched up in pleasure as dream-Tony fucked him.

The bell rang and everyone hurried to get to their next period, Peter was no different, he gathered his things and stood up, looking around the cafeteria like he was looking for someone. Their eyes met again for a second, but Tony quickly looked away, grabbing his backpack in a hurry to leave.

It was Thursday, the worst day of the week for him, none of his friends were free to hang out with him until later, so he either had to head home and deal with Howard or he had to find somewhere to be for a couple of hours, until Rhodey was done with football practice so they could go to his place. That day, Tony decided to just stay by his car, smoking a cigarette and singing along to Black Sabath’s Iron Man, it wasn’t like he had anywhere to go. He was so distracted watching the smoke dissipate into thin air that he didn’t notice when someone approached, and jumped almost a foot in the air when they spoke.

“Aren’t you afraid of getting caught smoking on school grounds?” Tony almost dropped dead when he registered the angelic voice. He was already having a heart attack as it was, but the boy was so close and he had that beautiful smile in place, blushing cheeks and all. It took almost a full minute for him to calm himself down.  

“I won’t tell if you don’t.” The older teen answered when he finally found his voice and got his breath under control enough not to make a fool of himself. Peter smiled wider, biting his lower lip.

“Your secret is safe with me.” He fake whispered, leaning a little into the older boy’s space and he almost choked on nothing. Peter’s smell was inebriating, expensive and sweet, but not overly so – perfect. He recomposed himself quickly, though, and nodded, but didn’t say anything else. He wasn’t sure why Peter was talking to him and, frankly, he was too fucking nervous to think of anything cool to say. The younger teen deflated a little faced with Tony’s silence; he looked around, seeming a little lost. “You’re Tony, right?”

Fuck, the way he said his name. His name. It was fucking music to his ears, the most beautiful tune. But how did he even know his name? Sure, he was Tony Stark, so not really anonymous, but people often forgot about it.

“Yeah. And you’re Peter.” Tony didn’t play games, he didn’t even try to pretend like he didn’t know who Peter was. It would be dumb anyway, everybody knew him. The other boy nodded shyly, it looked like he wanted to say something else, but he kept biting his lips and looking around nervously. Tony frowned. “Is everything okay?”

“No. I mean, yeah, sure, it’s fine, it’s just, uhm. I have a flat tire and the wheel bolts are really tight and I couldn’t get them off, so I thought – I mean, could you, uh –“ He gestured wildly as he stuttered out his answer, looking in the general direction of his flashy, cherry red sports car. “I mean, it’s okay if you’re busy, but I –“

“Sure, I’ll help, don’t worry.” Tony threw his cigarette butt on the ground and stepped on it. He was a little more at ease now that he knew why Peter was talking to him – he just needed help – and the best thing was, Tony was really good with cars. Of course, one didn’t need to have a PhD in mechanics to change a tire, but it still made him feel really good that he would be able to help properly.

“Thanks, you’re a life saver.” The chirpy attitude was back, as well as the smile, it made Tony’s heart flutter. He nodded sharply, looking away from his face, and gestured for Peter to lead the way.

When they reached his car, Tony whistled lowly, crouching down to look at the completely flat tire, as he tried to find the source of the problem. He was surprised to notice a two-inch cut on the surface of it, and it didn’t seem accidental.

“Fuck, Peter, it looks like someone sliced your tire.” When he looked up at the younger boy, he didn’t look surprised, but nervous. It was an odd reaction. Tony wondered if Peter already knew that – maybe he knew who did it and was scared of them? It made Tony’s blood boil. Why would anyone do that to Peter?

“Wh-what? How do you know that?” He bit his lower lip nervously, scratching his arm, and Tony frowned, worried.

“Here, look.” He gestured for Peter to crouch down next to him and pointed at the cut. “This is clearly a stab mark. Judging by the size and shape of it, I’d say this was probably done with a pocketknife.”

“Oh. Yeah, of course. Clearly.” He face-palmed, like he felt stupid, maybe for not seeing it before, but Tony still worried.

“If you want, I could go with you to the administration. We can ask them to check the security cameras. I think that one might have caught whoever did this.” He pointed at a security camera nearby, Tony knew where all of them were in the parking lot area – he’d been caught smoking way too many times not to know.

“What? There are –? I mean, look, it’s okay, it’s probably just someone trying to play a prank, it’s no big deal, it’s fine.” He stood up quickly, shaking his head, and Tony was positive he felt threatened somehow, he was acting so weird.

“If you’re sure… But if you change your mind, I’ll go with you, ok?” Tony stood up and took off his leather jacket. The weather was nice, just a bit chilly, so he was wearing a thin, white t-shirt with short sleeves underneath. He thought he heard Peter’s breath hitch for a second, but it was probably just his imagination. “Can you hold this for me?” He held out his jacket and the boy blushed, blinking rapidly.

“S-sure.”

Tony bit his bottom lip to refrain from asking, again, if everything was fine. Peter looked so freaking nervous, he was even sweating a little at the temples. Tony was positive he knew who did that to his car, but didn’t want to tell him for some reason. Maybe he wanted to protect whoever did it, maybe it was a boyfriend, or an ex. He gritted his teeth, hands closing in fists, but didn’t say anything, just crouched down and got to work.

The first bolt came off easily, it wasn’t tight at all, so he thought maybe Peter had already loosened it when he tried earlier. The second and third ones came off just as easily, though, only the fourth one was a little trickier, but nothing the younger teen couldn’t have handled himself. Tony thought maybe he hadn’t tried too hard, maybe he was afraid the person who did that would show up or something. He was so glad he was there to help, he wondered if Peter felt safe with him around, and the thought made him feel oddly proud and protective of him.

He made quick work of changing the tires, making sure not to screw the bolts too tight, then put the sliced one in the trunk of the car. When he turned around to look at Peter, he was looking intently at him, almost hypnotized, holding his jacket close to his chest like it was a puppy.

“All done.” Tony smiled and the boy seemed to snap out of a trance.

“Oh, thank you so much, really, you’re too kind.” He smiled broadly and the older teen scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Don’t mention it.” They were silent for a few seconds after that, but Peter kept holding his jacket and didn’t make any move to give it back to him. “Uhm, could I–?” He gestured towards the jacket and again the boy jumped up in surprise.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, here.” He handed it to him and quickly crossed his empty arms over his chest. “So, uhm,… Your dad is having a gala this weekend, right? Are you gonna be there?” Ah, so Peter did know who he was, not just his first name. The older teen leaned against the car and stuck his hands in his pockets, shrugging.

“Not if I can help it.” He smirked, trying to act cool, but now that he didn’t have anything to do with his hands, he was growing nervous.

“Oh,” Peter looked… disappointed? He dropped his gaze to the floor, shuffling his feet, and Tony stood up straight, frowning.

“Why?”

“Nothing, it’s just – my parents are going, so I thought I’d tag along to, you know... but it’s okay.” He kicked an imaginary rock and avoided Tony’s eyes. The older teen stared at him with wide eyes, heart beating fast – what was the end of that sentence? Peter couldn’t possibly mean–

“I don’t – what, you’d go to, like, hang out with me or something?” He felt stupid when he stumbled on the words, but Peter didn’t seem to notice, his cheeks were burning red and he was looking anywhere else but at Tony.

“I mean, you must have much better things to do, of course, I was just –” He chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his head, finally looking up at Tony. “Sorry, just forget about it, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“No, wait!” He rushed to interrupt him and Peter looked back at him with huge, Bambi eyes. Tony coughed awkwardly, blushing a little. “I mean, like, uhm… If you – would you wanna go as my date? To the gala?” He blurted out, finally, because what the hell. The worst that could happen was Peter say no, and he could deal with it. He would survive, for sure. It wouldn’t be a big deal. Really. It wouldn’t.

But he didn’t say no, he smiled broadly, eyes twinkling in excitement.

“I’d love to!” He answered quickly, and Tony’s heart fluttered, Peter looked genuinely happy.  “Could you – uhm, text me what color of tie you’ll be wearing? If you want! I understand if you think it’s lame, but I thought–”

“No, it’s fine.” His heart was beating so loud, Peter Fucking Parker wanted to coordinate ties with him, it was fucking corny and cliché and he loved it. “Uhm, here, give me your number.” He fished his phone from his back pocket and gave it to the younger teen.

“Cool.” Peter typed in his number and as soon as he gave his phone back, Tony sent him a smiley face so he would have his number, too. “Cool, cool, cool...” He rocked on the balls of his feet and looked around, like he was looking for something else to say.

“So… Do you have to be home soon or…?” Tony stuck his hands in his pockets again, wondering if maybe he was pushing his luck, but Peter shook his head quickly.

“Not really, no, my parents don’t really mind what time I get home as long as I let them know. You?”

“They don’t really care.” He shrugged, taking one step closer to Peter. “So… are you hungry, by any chance?”

“I’m starving.” He nodded, looking up at Tony in anticipation. It drove the butterflies in his stomach crazy.

“I know a place where they serve great burgers. We could go in my car and I could drop you off here on our way back, I’m just a little worried someone is gonna try to fuck up your car again. I mean, what if they’re targeting you or something?” Just the mention of what happened earlier made Peter nervous. He stuck his hands in the pockets of his bomber jacket and shook his head.

“Oh, don’t worry about it, I’m sure it’s fine.” He didn’t look worried, though, at least not anymore.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, trust me, I am.” Tony found the sudden change odd, but thought maybe he was just trying to play it cool, so he let it go.  

“Okay, then, c’mon, my car is right there,” Tony gestured to his car and Peter smiled, taking his hands off his pockets. When he did, though, something slipped out and fell to the ground with a metallic noise. Tony quickly crouched down to get it for him, when he noticed what it was. “Wh – is that…?” He frowned, examining the pocketknife as if it was alien material. He was confused at first, because Peter didn’t seem like the kind of guy to carry one around, but then it dawned on him. When he looked at the younger teen, his face was so red it looked like he was about to explode.

“Uhm… If I told you I’ve never seen this before in my life would you believe it?” He chuckled nervously, scratching his arm, as Tony stood up. The older teen raised a brow at him.”Sorry, I just – I wanted an excuse to talk to you.” He said quietly, dropping his gaze.

“You know, you could have gone with the weather or whatever.” Tony answered, amused, and it made the younger boy look up at him.

“You’re just very intimidating,” He looked at him with huge, scared eyes, and Tony cocked his head to the side.

“Me?” He raised a brow.

“Yeah.” Peter answered pointedly, and Tony smirked, offering him his knife back.

“You do realize you just sliced your own tire so you’d have an excuse to talk to me, right? And I’m intimidating?” He joked, but Peter didn’t seem to find it funny. He winced and covered his face with his hands, clearly embarrassed.

“You must think I’m such a freak,” He groaned, voice muffled by his palms.

“Hey, hey, yes, I do think you’re a freak.” He grabbed Peter’s thin wrists and marveled at how perfectly they fit in his hands. He definitely saved that thought for later. “But you’re a really cute one.” He grinned and Peter chuckled, a delicate flush rising onto his cheeks.

“I feel stupid.” He admitted, worrying his bottom lip, but Tony shook his head, working up the nerve to cup Peter’s face in his hand.

“I feel flattered,” He said, honestly, and Peter’s breath hitched. He stared up at Tony, eyelashes fluttering, moist, pink lips slightly open. The older teen leaned down slowly and when the Peter closed his eyes, their lips touched. Just like in his fantasies, Peter tasted sweet, his lips were soft and his arms circled Tony’s neck in a warm embrace. When they parted, Tony smiled down at him, stroking his blushing cheek. “Just promise that if this doesn’t work out you won’t, like, key my car or something.”

“Oh, God,” he groaned, but they both laughed out loud, as they walked hand in hand across the parking lot.

[toxicpineapple]

Please give me your amami essay, I'd like to know the TEA! I was also gonna ask for the mastermind essay, but honestly I REALLY wanna hear your thoughts on his characterization (and your thoughts on his shitty fanon characterization)

HOOO BOY OKAY. this is good, it gives me an excuse to procrastinate on reading that new amasai fic on the latest feed. (note that i REALLY WANT TO READ IT, i’m just anticipating commenting and tbh the spoons,,, i lack them. it’s okay though i’ll get over it.)

so!!! let’s start with general attitude, because i think that amami’s is really unique. he’s a subversive character. in general i feel like that was the biggest goal with his character design and personality combination-- he looks like a total playboy, kaede even comments as much moooore than once. but he’s the absolute opposite. i’ll rant about that in a bit. i’ve already gone off on a tangent and i said i was gonna talk about attitude.

amami is laid back, but not to the point of complacency. y’know what i mean? like, he’s relaxed, but he’s on his guard, too. his speaking style is pretty casual (typically he’ll greet people with a “hey,” whenever he’s slightly uncomfortable he’ll probably say “haha”... this isn’t necessarily a canon thing but i like it when people have him talking in sentence fragments. ex. “forgot to grab my jacket” or “wanted to get a snack” sort of thing) and that’s just,,, the type of person he is. he’s casual. it’s remarkable considering how wealthy amami is-- though bear in mind, he still IS wealthy, so there are bound to be things he doesn’t understand about people-- that he can be so normal and like, down to earth, in a way. when people mess around with him he’ll probably just laugh it off.

to cite a fic i read once that had REALLY phenomenal characterisation, imo, ouma ends up dumping a bucket of water on amami’s head (on accident; there are some semantics and i won’t get into it but again the fic is really good and funny and you should totally read it) and amami just squeezes out his shirt and makes a couple cracks before walking away. (sorry this isn’t meant to be a “dumping love on fics” post but GOD that fic is hysterical.) he’s an enabler too, at least i think so-- remember that anthology chapter where kaede, shuichi, and kaito are trying to catch ouma and kaito sets an “amami trap” to stop him? all ouma has to do is flutter his eyelashes and go “pleeeaaase let me go amam~niichan!” and then he just. he does. what a fucking doormat i can’t believe him.

he’s like that though. i feel like big brother stuff is kind of his weakness. (and not in a kinky way alright i will destroy you. he might make a joke about having a sister complex in one of his ftes but he DOESNT that joke was just tasteless COME ON RANTARO WHFKLDSJFK) which brings me to his whole older brother thing, because like,,, YEAH. guy grew up with twelve younger sisters!!! and he remarked in his ftes with shuichi that they’re mostly step sisters, which means he just.... has a nurturing personality. i mean amami is somewhat conservative (if you try to come on to him during salmon mode you will be brutally rebuffed; amami tells u to keep your horny thoughts to yourself, though you shouldn’t be ashamed of having them) so i imagine he’s not the biggest fan of his father’s tendencies-- not that i don’t NECESSARILY interpret his father’s behaviour as him sleeping around.... it’s possible he just likes children and deliberately marries women who already have kids so he can take them... i mean it’s exceedingly decent to keep considering ur step children to be your children after a divorce so i have a hard time reconciling this common image of rantaro’s dad as some kind of player figure with the impression i got of him in my head but that’s just my daddy issues coming into play again so ignore me-- and yet he still considers all his sisters to be his sisters.

not to mention he feels a great deal of like, responsibility, when it comes to taking care of them. i find it impossible to believe that all the losses were his fault. you could ARGUE that the one he tells you about with his younger sister was to be blamed on him? but i mean, amami is a child. he didn’t even know his sister was following him out. sure he blames himself for it but there’s no real good way to blame him just considering that,,, he’s a kid. and he was so young-- he was obviously so young-- when it happened. so like, not to be all Good and Bad on you, but i do feel that amami is fundamentally a good reason. and you SEE that too, in the killing game. i’m certain he was on the fence about trusting that note he woke up with. would you trust it? he had no memory whatsoever of writing it, all he had were the words “ultimate hunt” and a map of the school to guide his way. i imagine he wasn’t even sure if he should do what the note said. but then ryoma started talking about sacrificing himself for everyone else, and rantaro probably thought, “well... if i have a way to get us out of here, even if it doesn’t work, i can’t just let ryoma sacrifice himself without having tried.”

rantaro is self-reliant too, i think. in the talent development plan mukuro remarks that she noticed he was injured a good number of times, but never said anything about it because she felt like he was trying to keep it under wraps. (note: good idea for an amami and mukuro friendship fic. must write. someone remind me.) i think amami kind of feels isolated from his classmates? either because he has these perceived notions of like, independence and whatever, not burdening anybody else with his problems (honestly not to go chabashira on main but wtf men ask for help c’mon i promise if you find a person who’s worth being in ur life they won’t treat you like shit for feeling ur feelings) or just because he’s not around a lot. i think amami is the type of person to invalidate his own problems a lot, or at least downplay them to others. he blames himself for all his sisters going missing, took the responsibility to find them all. you know the blow that’s going to be to his education? traveling around the world looking for twelve different people? and he plans to keep doing that!!! forever!!! ugh ;-; poor babey. but anyway i feel like he doesn’t want to tell anybody about his problems because he feels like it’s his thing to deal with.

i also believe that rantaro is a bit prideful. i mean, anyone can be prideful under the correct circumstances, and in fact there is a great deal of pride that simply isn’t addressed by the fandom in analysing characters and that makes me really sad because pride is such a SEXY character flaw but i’ll leave that alone for now. he hates being told to give up on what he’s doing. i mean everyone in his life has been telling him to stop looking for his sisters. that’s got to suck, but also, DAMN look at what his reaction was. this utter refusal to open up to anybody. shuichi’s ftes with him are spent pretty much just trying to get amami to stop squirreling around and actually TALK to him. amami asks shuichi at one point if he has any siblings and when the response is negative, amami immediately assumes that shuichi wouldn’t understand, would tell him to quit. just like everyone else.

(i mean, even with kiyo and mukuro, whose circumstances mirror his almost painfully at least in willingness to sacrifice stuff for their siblings, he doesn’t tell them what he’s doing, just that he’s doing it for his sister-- singular-- and that he would do anything for her. kiyo and mukuro!! out of ANYBODY, they would understand. in tdp they DO talk about it-- kiyo encourages him to keep searching-- as his friend...... fuck amaguji is such a good ship even if the implications of kiyo saying he wants to meet rantaro’s sister after he finds her bc she must be suuuuch a good person if he’s doing all this for her are uhhh not great-- and mukuro immediately understands when he says it’s to do with his younger sister. like, full stop. she just goes “okay” and goes serious. all at once. damn rantaro, mukuro, and kiyo really do be a power trio huh. i need to write more fic about them i miss them.)

this is more into baseless conjecture so take this as you will, but i also think rantaro is kind of,,, easily distracted lmao. he mentions helping out a village with a disease-- been a while since i’ve seen his ftes, sorry for any inconsistencies-- among other shit and like... bro what are you DOING. you have sisters to find. and he can’t be getting injured all the time, getting wrapped up with gang violence and all that, looking for people who were lost traveling. i mean sure, you could say they went all over the world and got wrapped up in all sorts of mess, but more likely they stayed in roughly the same area, waiting for him to come back. and also? i have a hard time believing his sisters were lost in these remote forest places people always put them. COME ON, who the fuck goes to some village for a vacation? a RICH person no less. i’m on another tangent. sorry. but yeah, i love the people who write rantaro as an absolute airhead. i headcanon that he has no way of judging the passing of time and thus is the absolute worst in the bathroom bc he sits there for twenty minutes thinking about the universe and then walks out like “:) ok ready to go” like wtf are you even doing there stupid akljdf anyway.

i think rantaro is softhearted and thoughtful. in his ftes with kaede he demonstrates an ability to look past what people show at surface level-- you can ask him about miu, kiibo, or kiyo and he’ll give u Good Fucking Insight(tm)-- and analyse their intentions more closely. and i mean this is just from a couple day’s interaction. he’s down to earth for sure, understanding when people are intimidated but also caring and observant. (his “talk about a first impression” line is so fuckaindgf.... good for his characterisation. i love romantic amamatsu but he so clearly takes an older brother role in those ftes, he’s really such a sweetheart,,,, hnadhfkj ;w;) rantaro is just. he’s patient with people. and selfless and kind. idk it’s all the good stuff. warm smiles and indulgence. all the way. probably lets kokichi steal his lunch.

THAT BEING SAID: i think rantaro also has a very serious streak. he doesn’t show it a lot but there are moments. he’s self-sacrificing-- i mean, obviously. he was the ultimate survivor, after all. some people hc that he got there by killing, or maybe everyone else in his game died but one person, but bro that doesn’t make any sense???? no. what happened was there were probably like three people left, and monokuma was like “one has to be sacrificed” and rantaro thought, welp. it’ll be me then. and i wouldn’t say the choice would be immediate because rantaro DOES has self preservation instincts-- he’s only human-- but i don’t think he’d have let anybody else make that decision. i think ultimately he would try to protect other people.

he can be scarily confrontational too. i do believe he’d usually only do it in the defense of others-- like, his base instinct is to protect. i read a fic once (oumami, unfortunately) where ouma was committing crimes and went to hide behind rantaro and rantaro instinctively moved to protect him, and that’s.... that’s good characterisation. point one to the oumami stans, point zero to me. motherfucker. (love u oumami stans, it’s just not my thing.) i really like it in fics when he’s stern, lecturing people for hurting other people, but i also think rantaro is too understanding to be truly unforgiving. like if two people got into an argument and one came out of it more hurt than the other, i don’t believe that amami would be unsympathetic to the less hurt one. i think he’s mature enough to take a look at the situation and go, well, okay.

i think he’d be TERRIFYING when angry. he’s patient, y’know? so it takes a lot to get him to that point. he’s really, ah, accommodating of people. puts up with a lot of bs kind of thing. but i imagine the best way to get him to snap is by hurting someone he cares about. and at that point: ur fucked. i’ve never written it before because i’m terrified of what i’d do with that kind of power but.... imagine the shuichi whump. holy god.

i’m NOT here to talk about shuichi whump (though i’m down to do that any time of day believe me) so i’m gonna like. shhhhiiiiiiffft.

i project on characters a lot so at this point it’s difficult to distinguish if some of my characterisation things are like, actually characterisation things? or just me venting, so like, take nothing i say as canon, but also,,, akdsjf we love a man who bottles up his emotions.

because rantaro just doesn’t have the TIME to be crying all over the place. he was probably a total wreck when he lost his first sister. and his second. and maybe even his third. but then he started to gather his composure, more and more. because if there’s anything that rantaro has in excess, it’s composure. the more losses he suffers the more of a shield he builds up. and the self hatred and the guilt and the blame and the responsibility are piling up and up and up, but god he hates it when other people see him sad, because he needs to be the strong one, he can’t just pile that up on other people. that’s not their weight to carry, and besides, he’s the older brother, he should be able to deal with his own problems. he’d just be burdening the people he cares about by letting them see his demons.

and then he doesn’t have any coping mechanisms because he never lets himself feel enough to cope, and when people get close enough to actually CARE about him, when people notice he’s upset or struggling and offer him help, he doesn’t know how to deal with it-- and god he hates lashing out at people but it’s so much easier to deal with the consequences of being mean than the consequences of breaking down. only conflict is scary when he’s one of the causes so he needs time to recover, and well, what better way to do that than to get on a plane or a boat and go look for his sisters? after all he’s wasting time whenever he’s just sitting around, they’re still out there and he needs to find them, so might as well just keep pushing himself to the limits, because it’s his fault they’re lost anyway...

something mukuro said to rantaro in the talent development plan stuck in my brain. like, initially it’s just a funny and cute interaction (rantaro even blushes and a blushing rantaro is a GOOD FUCKING RANTARO) but when i thought about it more i was like.... huh. hm. angst ideas. mukuro makes a joke about rantaro going over to her stand at the festival to flirt with her-- i think that’s the context, i know it’s play-boy related-- and rantaro assures her (as he always does) that he’s not that kind of guy, and mukuro agrees, saying she was just pulling his leg and that he seems like the kind of person who gets dumped because he doesn’t show his emotions enough. rantaro laughs, blushes, and says “haha, not touching that one,” and akdjfnnnnnn god mukuro you’re so blunt i love you fkdjf but wow. i usually have rantaro as not having dated anyone, just because i feel like he kind of hyperfocuses on finding his sisters? and given that he’s like sixteen (seventeen at the MOST) there’s not much of a timeline for when his sisters got lost. in my fic search i had to cram all the losses into a four-year period and damn that was rough. anyway i just don’t think he’d really prioritise romance. but that reaction implies that that’s EXACTLY his experience with romance, which makes a bit of sense because mukuro is ridiculously sharp, and also it’s,, it’s just sad idk poor rantaro. getting dumped because he’s like the emotional equivalent of a doorknob when it comes to his own feelings.

i do think rantaro is a bit cowardly. not in the sense that he’d shy away from danger-- i think he’d RUSH INTO IT HEAD FIRST because he’s a man or whatever, i know he respects women but he does seem to hold some of those very stereotypically masculine ideals of constantly protecting those around him, which is like.... ok toxic masculinity mcgee can u and kaito stop throwing hands every time u see each other ty-- but more in the sense that he avoids,,, confrontation. emotional confrontation just ain’t his thing. and i think he’d rather run away from it or otherwise find some way of ignoring it than try to address his problems.

he would, with that in mind, probably try to associate with people who don’t push the matter. kiyo and mukuro, for example. they both have a fair amount of baggage themselves so they’d probably be respectful. ryoma is lowkey enough that he just, he wouldn’t bring that shit up, that’s uncool. i also think rantaro would get along REALLY WELL with kaito, and i actually don’t think kaito would pull his sidekick stuff with him? just because in a way they’re kind of kindred spirits, and i think kaito would see an ally in rantaro before seeing someone to try to nurture, so they’d probably have some kind of a truce like, if you don’t force me to be vulnerable, i won’t force you. one of the reasons why i love amamota so much is because it involves the two of them growing to care about each other beyond that sort of unhealthy camaraderie and breaking down each other’s barriers and i just..... hhnnfhhdkfj they could be so good for each other but nobody wants to talk about thatjslfkj

you weren’t asking for my amamota mess lmao sorry anon i get sidetracked SO easily. but yeah, amami gravitates towards people who wouldn’t try to get him to be more honest with himself. and i honestly think the v3 cast would be pretty good about that overall, except for shuichi who is a detective and has a habit of sticking his nose in places it shouldn’t be, but i see no reason to write that out because amami’s ftes already display that beautifully. (well, that’s a lie, i’m absolutely plotting out a slowburn in my head already that involves shuichi stripping down his walls one by one, but forget about all of that rn we don’t need to talk about why amasaimota is my ot3.) also he is softer on childish people like ouma and himiko. ain’t nobody wants to TALK TO ME about how brilliant it would be if rantaro and hiyoko were friends because hiyoko has such problems in that department and he would take one look at her and go hm. i’m adopting her. and he’s so fucking patient and nice and she’d lose the will to make fun of him and i have to do ALL THE GODDAMN WORK AROUND HERE but it’s fine. at least i get to write it.

i’ve described the fundamentals of his characterisation pretty well by now i think. i have some throwaway headcanons, like uhh,,

he’s claustrophobic

plays the guitar and the ukulele

he prefers warm weather and perishes in the cold

high pain tolerance

he’s a Good Cook

doesn’t like sex jokes (they make him uncomfortable)

asexual (i do like a good demisexual hc at all times of day tho)

master of piggyback rides

does his own piercings

impulsive as hell

gets lost easily but can always find his way back

has a lot of scars from travels

hands are rough and calloused (again from travels)

morning person

smells like evergreen (you know i had to, you know i did)

Radiates Heat Like A Fucking Toaster Oven

good hugs

hates tying his shoelaces

likes being the big spoon :)

has a tongue piercing

i said “some throwaway headcanons” but i ended up listing way more than i mean to. i’ll make a separate list of my rantaro headcanons someday and talk about them all in detail but for now, uh, there’s that.

SO AS FOR THE RANTARO CHARACTERISATIONS I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE:

god where to fucking begin. actually i know exactly where to begin. it’s my least favourite one just because, like i said at the very beginning, rantaro is a subversive character. i mean i think he’s kind of a low hanging fruit when it comes to that. there are plenty of other subversive characters in the dr series but rantaro is like that. you expect a flirt and u get,,, a sweetheart. but then some people (usually the ones who ship him with female characters exclusively though i will see it on occasion in an amasai or oumami fic) decide to throw that out the window and make him a total playboy!! and listen, i have no problem with people who are a little flirty. we’re kids!! flirt ur heart out!!! and hey, that’s not what this is about but y’know what? so long as everything is safe, sane, and consensual, then yeah!! exercise your sexual freedom and sleep with whoever you want to!!! i don’t think there’s anything wrong with messing around a little, dating who u wanna and experimenting with ur tastes and preferences. if rantaro WAS a playboy, then there would be nothing wrong with that. i would love him just the same because he’s such a fundamentally GOOD character.

except that.... he’s.......... NOT. you slaughter one of the biggest aspects of his character by throwing away what matters to him and making him some hunky-deep-voice-dreamboat dude meant to sweep kaede/tsumugi/whomsteverthefuck off her feet. rantaro is one of those characters where he’s so blatantly not that kind of person, and it’s like. it’s an affront, almost, to portray him that way? and i do believe you should have the freedom to write what you want, since we’re in that age (aside from romanticised pedophilia and incest; that shit ain’t cute, i say this often but pro-ship DNI) where u should be able to take some liberties, but it’s just. hnnn. it’s so frustrating. rantaro does not know how to smolder! if he DID smolder, he wouldn’t even realise he was doing it. he doesn’t have people lying at his feet, okay? he’s too flaky for that. i wouldn’t say he’s unreliable but he definitely ain’t at school as much as he should be.

another one that i hate: st-stalker? what the fuck? that is not sexy that is creepy and weird?

another another one that i hate: yandere? what the FUCK??? that is not sexy that is glorified ABUSE???? the yandere trope is AWFUL bc you’re taking a controlling relationship and turning it into a fetish. NO. if he limits ur contact with other people, if he follows u everywhere, if he threatens ur loved ones, if he tries to control you, ladies and gents and nonbinaries, he’s not a yandere, he’s an abuser and you need a fucking restraining order. actually, people of ANY gender or sex can perpetuate this behaviour and IT IS NOT CUTE. I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK WHAT BOUNDARIES U SET IN PLACE, IF YOUR FREEDOM IS BEING RESTRICTED THAT IS ABUSE.

hate it when people make rantaro violent. hate it when people make rantaro a murderer. hate it when people make rantaro controlling. hate it when people make rantaro overtly sexual. some kind of sultry deep voice dominant kind of figure. dude, what the fuck? i don’t,, want to make any public comments about sex positions because i think that’s kind of Strange to just talk about on a post, but i do think that the way people portray him for their smuts is,,, idk it’s weird. i’m not gonna kinkshame u but like. :eyes:

i will however accept rantaro as a thrillseeker, or a highstrung rich boy, or a total space cadet, or a himbo, or a cryptid. these are all very good interpretations of the Mans. just, like. be wary of making him two dimensional. a good character is multifaceted. if you can take a trait that clashes with all of these and SELL ME ON IT, i will buy it. if u give me good justifications, or even just good writing?? then i will accept it.

the long and the short of it is, anon, he’s my favourite so i think about him a lot. i love writing rantaro. he’s just, he’s a Guy. y’know? He’s A Good Dude, If You’ll Give Him A Shot. :) we don’t get to see very much of him but i think that there’s plenty of material if you overanalyse everything, which, as you probably all know by now,,,, i absolutely do.

thank you for the ask, this was a delight to spend an hour talking about.

[misterbitches]

I cant decide if I think what happened this episode makes me mad at tae joo. 

me @ me...and ppl who may read what i write...lmao: hear me out. i am a black anarchist cis woman so like...not everyone is going to care or think about  stuff like this. i realize it may not be the total norm  yet (but hey black radicals burned down a fucking police station yesterday which is some real cool history so who is to say that i’m not.) with or without the norms, i share to get a grip of my own thoughts that ADHD absolutely won’t let me keep. and see what people have to say! maybe they’ll engage. otherwise,,,,,,,it doesnt matter i jsut love thinking it through. cos i am CONFUSED!!! 

(btw, i insult rich ppl through this whole thing and i dont give�� a fuck. i repeat a lot of things too o well.)

the start of the ep has these words from tae joo:

i have a young friend. a shadow like being who doesn’t go away even at one o clock. that shadow grew a self. i have to do him the favor...

part of his like and attraction to guk  is because of that existing power imbalance. i, personally, think that is impossible to deny given  that we see it. a girl coming over to their house and he kisses her. he had to know that guk would see, or would be looking, whatever.

you have tae joo being surprised at interest in guk. not because guk isn’t attractive or whatever, but because he’s used to the one being noticed. he may not be as broad and tall (there’s not a huge difference but guk obviously stands out more visually, while tae joo stands out cos he’s him i guess lol.)

i think there may be an element of this cat and mouse game that he likes, but  guk takes it a lot more seriously. as he should because...it’s his job. we don’t know at what point they are so anything that happened previously but they very clearly like each other. 

i was gonna say it didn’t even have to be romantic—yet. just that feeling of i don’t need anyone else to take you. i’m curious about why tae joo likes pil hyun but maybe it has something to do with wanting a friend that isn’t necessarily one borne out of necessity. but pil hyun’s dad does work at tae joo’s father’s dumb company or whatever. he’s on the board? idk i forgot

but maybe neither of them really care and pil hyun is just a friend instead of someone you have deep admiration and romantic or strange love for. 

but then there’s a lot of cruelly selfish stuff that shows why this imbalance and their two different backgrounds hinders them. tae joo doesn’t want to lose this shadow anyway but guk is always there. where he’s supposed to be.

when tae joo said, “isn’t it boring just the two of us?” it’s just such a dumb fucking question to ask. he was either just being verbally careless or did it on purpose. it can be both, but i don’t think it was supposed to be. for every one side of a you need to see him as a person not a workerr also encourage him to fuckng quit and live your lives together outside of your stupid rich father coin there’s a he obviously wants and needs him as much if not more. 

the if not more part comes to mean (to me) dependency formed UPON guk’s job. were they not to be in this circumstance, how would their paths cross? 

honestly the show poses a lot of class dilemma for something so short. now is the time to do and write interesting things and question capitalism anyways. tae joo can’t have everything handed  to him. well he can have a lot, because he’s privileged to be where he is, but love isn’t one of those things. guk is not obligated to love him fiercely if tae joo can’t truly relinquish his hold.

the last scene pissed me off a lot at first and thinking about it  it still does. like you used the master-servant relationship comment and exploited it because you didn’t like it but it’s the truth. what is the point of guk sitting through your bullshit but when you intentionally go seek him out you can insert yourself.

hye mi saying, “hey we’re talking can u wait yr turn” like YEA. they’re talking, you came in and had a fit, and only someone who has a life like you do would do something like that. was guk making noise while you were being tutored? 

i also honestly would just quit if i were guk. not every1 is gonna be an annoying anarchist like me or whatever but that’s pretty much the only way this could sustain itself. that and tae joo respecting guk as a person not just a person he loves in his orbit. the world revolves around us as individuals. meaning we think about ourselves in relation to everyone else because we live in this body. so guk is allowed to center himself in his own life.

this could all be avoided if it crossed tae joo’s mind that guk is allowed space to feel whatever his emotions without being dictated. where it isn’t just sparring that he can say whatever the fuck. 

so remember the opening. well, here’s the last lines of thought tae joo had in the car: i have a bodyguard a shadow like being that shouldn’t go away even at one o clock. the shadow isn’t supposed to have a self. 

he called the shadow his friend. a shadow has no self so when it finds autonomy — as he is finding himself (guk),  guk walks ahead of taejoo, faceless with the camera focused on the shadow itself—we finally start to see him as the shadow shows its human form. it’s never been a shadow, guk has always been a person, his own person, it’s just that and this  is literally....he is owned by his job. imagine realizing you have the same tendency as your own dad to feel that way (btw this is also with him (guk) getting slapped by his dad and no......nothing)

in the car we see that selfishness that wasn’t buried but he never thought about. guk shouldn’t leave, he should always be behind him, a shadow, he isn’t supposed to dictate his own life, his life must revolve around me. because he’s transient, again. workers are disposable, a dime a dozen, you happen to love this dime but it doesn’t mean you have  been able to fight for it or understand it.

tae joo is rich (i don’t know if it’s new or old money and the distinction would matter a little but i’m pretty sure theyve been together for a long while? bitch idk) the boy he loves is employed by his father. his father is a CEO, a boss and truly the worst kind (FIRE! YOUR! BOSS!) tae joo has been told his whole life that he deserves. why fight capitalism and not understand his own richness? it’s beneficial to him and it gave him guk, right? 

and you see how allllllllllll of that, the messaging, the receiving, how you get stuck under the influence as a younger person to be stuck under the influence as a complicit adult to the messages of the ruling class. the ruling class you are a part of whether you like it or not, the one that calls labor your own, the one that rips power from other people. you didn’t choose who you were born from and to, but you get to choose what you do now. 

guk was never a shadow, you just didn’t see him because, well, he’s your best friend, and your bodyguard, working and being a literal punching bag for your mistakes (AND THAT’S CAPITALISM BABY, THEY RLY TOLD US THAT THERE—”for your mistakes, i’ll beat him and then send you off to england” like gorl...)

(i also want to mention i whole heartedly believe that the rich resent the poor, the ruling class punish the working class, etc but that’s like irrelevant to here mostly...by irrelevant i mean i shouldnt go any fucking deeper than i have with goddamn dumb analysis. but it’s fun kinda) 

anyway basically tae joo like made so many mistakes that show just how fucking clueless you can be when you have immense privilege. coupled with guk working for him, he doesn’t realize that guk doesn’t live to work. has his own thoughts and he has feelings man. when guk said “stop” in e3 i was rly happy tbh. yea, they may like each other but doing shit like that isn’t fair to him if you’re gonna go around and be really flighty about everything while he depends on (well maybe not depend must cater to) you almost completely by DEFAULT of u being rich lmao

this is just a look and critique into one side of tae joo. i don’t dislike him but i question why people both in the show and people discussing feeling bad for tae joo’s circumstance instead of asking why guk  has to do any of this.....? how does guk fucking feel about this? where are guk’s feelings factored in. like we’re all saying “we pay you so that should be enough.” fuck no. guk do what you want.

if the show was about like....people in love not meeting at the right time in their lives i wouldnt be too upset either. as long as we know their love was deep and romantic it’s okay to see a parting. of course i would prefer not to see that and just want tae joo and guk to grow up to become nice anarchist citizens. guk is an artist and tae joo writes books about his daddy issues or sth like that

[tumblunni]

I was gonna (finally) continue playing Dream Daddy, and that just made me think.. does anyone else remember.. I think it was ‘Ahego Academy’? *googles* Okay, Asagao is how its spelled, alright oops.

But like.. the Normal Boots dating sim, whatever it is?? Wasn’t that such a WEIRD THING?

I know that Dream Daddy isn’t really made by the game grumps alone, they just published it and supported it and helped out. And it was obviously never intended to be an actual ‘date the game grumps’, so I dunno why it even reminded me of asagao but like... Still I kinda see it as a success story of what Asagao failed to be. Like.. in an abstract sense, as a game licensed by some famous youtubers.

Cos like.. Asagao was so WEIRD because it.. marketed itself as a normalboots dating sim, was so OVERWHELMINGLY buried in normalboots licensing, yet then didnt really deliver on the normalboots part. All the characters aren’t really the members of normalboots?? Like, they have their names and vaguely similar appearances but then their personalities are just various standard anime tropes with barely any resembelance beyond like.. catch phrase in-jokes and one guy has a robot bird. And without that... like.. its really just... any other generic ‘trying too hard to be fake japanese based on anime alone’ western VN game. Even more generic its a high school one... And its so WEIRD seeing these half-assed high school au versions of everyone! Why do they still have full giant beards?? Actually, why did they even make the decision to have the protagonist be underage and like.. reimagine everyone else underage too? Wouldnt it be simpler to just have the protag be someone in college dating the actual real normalboots members, without the ‘reimagining’ having to go so far that they barely resemble the original?

It honestly feels like some sort of other game that got a weird sponsored makeover at the last second. I don’t know the real history behind it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case? like, did normalboots actually make this game themselves or was it similar to dream daddy? cos thats what I mean about the comparison. Dream Daddy is a project published, supported and even voiceacted by the game grumps, its an official Game Grumps Games (tm) Game, but they weren’t really over the top and restrictive about getting their license on it. Honestly you wouldn’t even know it was published by them if not for the big PUBLISHED BY THEM sticker on the title screen and like.. recognising one voiceactor or one or two little affectionate visual gags to running jokes from the show. Its really just an unrelated game that these youtubers really liked and decided to support. And Asagao feels like it was also one of those, I’d be surprised if it wasn’t! Like, it would be an extra double fail if it was made by the normalboots club themselves and somehow failed to contain very much of them. (Nah, I mean, its not that bad, I don’t HATE it and I dont think it was unsuccessful or anything, it just wasnt what I expected...)

Also like... Dream Daddy just seems so much like the GGs were actually passionate about it? It doesnt seem like a cash grab. It wasn’t excessively plugged on their videos and like.. when people were like ‘oh the game grumps are making a game’, the game grumps themselves tweeted to clarify the actual writers and programmers, and were constantly supporting them through the game’s troublesome release schedule issues. And I dunno, I guess it just raised my opinion of the GGs a lot, and also because this is a really great and inclusive gay dating sim with so much genuine soul in it. I actually initially got scared away from buying it just because it was ‘a Game Grumps Games (tm) Game’, when it was first announced I was worried it would be some sort of joke project. And like.. when it was clarified it was a gay game in particular, i was DOUBLE worried it was gonna have some bigoted jokes n shit, like holy hell! And like even if it wasn’t offensive, it’d probably be a JOKE, right? I mean they do so many jokes about gay flirting and stuff on the show. But like.. they actually went and proved that they’re like The Only People On Goddamn Youtube that GENUINELY are ‘just making jokes’ and do really care about their LGBTQ fans. (Cos seriously who expected this to even have transgender representation too??? I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANOTHER GAY DATING SIM THAT INCLUDES TRANS CHARACTERS, EVER ) its like.. this is why I roll my goddamn eyes at shit like the jontron and pewdiepie controversies. they never do anything to genuinely apologise for what they do, and they CERTAINLY dont do anything to prove that they’re not bigoted! All their apologies are like ‘no stop yelling at me but also let me go back to continuing to act exactly the same every day’. And like.. when have they ever really done anything to aknowledge those parts of their fandom even exist, let alone given a huge shoutout to minority fans LET ALONE supported the release of a WHOLE GAME about gay and trans men AND VOICEACTED IT. I mean obviously they aren’t perfect, and I’m still uncomfortable with those kinds of jokes and I don’t find them funny, but still its reassuring to finally know what these guys actually feel about queer people, yknow? And it doesn’t feel like a shoehorned-in fake effort or anything, they were really involved in making the game and supporting it and like.. either they got the feels about the lines they were voiceacting or they’re just REALLY good actors, yo. I didnt know they could do really serious scenes too?? i didn’t know this was even gonna HAVE serious scenes, i thought it’d be one giant horrible gay joke aimed at the lowest common denominator of their fans, instead of such a genuine project aimed at the fans who feel kinda left out. So like.. yeah. I ended up starting to watch more game grumps again after this game came out. Good job, guys. (Tho seriously still I would prefer less of the lowest common denominator jokes, or at least like try and make more of a statement about like.. the OTHER minorities you joke about, too. The audience legit cannot tell whether you’re joking or you really believe that shit, considering how many other youtubers are doing legit bigoted stuff like every damn week nowadays.)

[jimdsmith34]

Being Single Is F*cking Horrible, So We Need To Stop Lying To Ourselves

This will not be polite.

Honestly, if I have to read one more article about how fabulous it is to be single, Im going to throw up in my mouth.

Thanks, but get out of here.

Lets not glorify a subject that makes me want to drown my single sorrows in a bottle of malt liquor, shall we?

The fact of it is, Im so cool, and everybody else sucks.

But, Im the one whos single, and these people are the ones with boyfriends.

Give me a couple seconds while I yoga breathe my way through making sense of this, and then I’ll continue with that vomit-in-my-mouth feeling.

Im not saying being single is always a disaster.

Being single is amazing when youre in college, when you feel like Samantha Jones is your spirit animal or when youre going through a colossal reinvention and dont want any dicksto steal your focus.

But being single isnt so amazing when youre too amazing to be single.

I can be jaded, and hell yes, I can be bitter.

And half the time, all I want to do is chew a bunch of Xanax and pass out for two weeks straight, just so I dont have to dwell on my dire relationship status.

But instead, I will take the classier approach to believing in my inner-cool and not-psycho self.

I’ll pour all that good energy into the world and hope itll boomerang back to me (or something).

“Like hello, love? Are you there?”

“Ive been a really great girl this year!”

“Cant you come and find me, please?”

If anything is going to boomerang back to me at this point, it doesnt feel like its going to be love.

I just feel like Im so beyond this.

I dont want to feel like I could star in my own comedy show about my most awkward sexual encounters.

I dont want to learn any more lessons that feel as confusing as science projects.

I dont want to feel like I could write a novel about the worst pick-up lines Ive ever had the displeasure of experiencing firsthand.

So where are all these boy meets girl stories?

I want to be the girl at the caf who needs the milk and meetsthe boy holding the milk, and then we fall inlove forever (or whatever).

Im also willing to get hit by a cab, if thats what it takes to fall in love.

I just feel as though the universe has already put a certain amount of these scenarios on the Earth, and theyve already been used up by every other basic bitch.

Here I am, sloshing through a typhoon of subpar experiences that everybody tells me will only help me realize what it is I want and dont want in a relationship.

You live. You learn.

Okay, well, Im also not Alanis Morissette.

I know what I want, and I know what I dont want.

There is no silver lining.

I shouldnt need another shot of tequila to try to convince myself this dude doesnt already completely annoy the sh*t out of me.

I shouldnt have to hear how guys are just too intimidated by pretty, intelligent girls and are terrified of rejection.

If youre not going to talk to me first like a true man, then stop undressing me with your eyes from across the room.

Then, I can go back to chuggingdrinks without any expectations, and I can keep texting my friends about how I hate everyone tonight.

Im at the point now where I either need to move to Alaska (where the ratio of men to women is two to one), become a lesbian or get a new vibrator (along with 10 cats) and call it my own happily ever after.

My mother suggested I go to a museum or get a new hobby, as if climbing a wall or seeing a Matisse will suddenly fulfill that gaping hole in my life.

And it only gets worsebecause everybody who is taken sucks.

I just dont get it.

They say babe 100times a day.

They are the chronic daters.

They are the ones who drink pinot grigio at sports bars and dont know how to cook dinner.

And what is it with these couples never matching?

The guy is always hotter, and the girl is maybe a seven (at best) and always has a stink eye.

She probably turned him into a vegan, cries when she gets wasted and forces him into every duck-faced selfie on her Instagram.

But, hes just as bad for giving in to it, and I could never envy that kind of passive dude.

So carry on, boy and girl vanilla.

Im just the queen of doggy style over here, and I can cook a lasagna to save the world.

I’m simply looking for a permanent shuffleboard partner wholl screw me whether I win or lose and not feel the need to cuddle after.

But those two can enjoy their brunch.

Im just gonna go home alone, drink a beer and masturbate.

And thats when Facebook happens.

I dont know why I still have it.

The only posts I can stand these days are either about hockey, ugly dogs or bacon.

Otherwise, I just cant because of all the marriage and the babies.

“Oh, I remember that girl from college.She was always hooking up with a different guy every other day,and now she has two kids whose names begin with the same letter.”

“What is up with thosepregnancy pictures?”

“Why do they have to make hearts with their hands like that?”

“Are they really that happy smiling at an aquarium or under an apple tree?”

I get that people change.

I just dont get how these psycho or boring people have found love and lives for themselves (even if a little clichd), and I havent.

Even others youd never imagine those with daddy issues, those who sort of look like horses or those who have meltdowns over French toast that doesn’t have enough butter are the ones with the boyfriends who are both good on paper and have beards.

I just cant deal with itfor one more second.

I guess its good, though, that in this barren love life of mine, I still believe in how cool I am, regardless of how much everybody else sucks.

I just dont want to be single anymore.

I want to be done f*cking around, so I can give myself wholly to one person who doesnt give a sh*t about all thedumbass sh*t I dont careabout, either.

I just want to order delivery with two sets of plastic forks and have the same man kiss me forever.

Is that really too much to ask for in life?

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/01/being-single-is-fcking-horrible-so-we-need-to-stop-lying-to-ourselves/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/12/being-single-is-fcking-horrible-so-we.html

[adambstingus]

Being Single Is F*cking Horrible, So We Need To Stop Lying To Ourselves

This will not be polite.

Honestly, if I have to read one more article about how fabulous it is to be single, Im going to throw up in my mouth.

Thanks, but get out of here.

Lets not glorify a subject that makes me want to drown my single sorrows in a bottle of malt liquor, shall we?

The fact of it is, Im so cool, and everybody else sucks.

But, Im the one whos single, and these people are the ones with boyfriends.

Give me a couple seconds while I yoga breathe my way through making sense of this, and then I’ll continue with that vomit-in-my-mouth feeling.

Im not saying being single is always a disaster.

Being single is amazing when youre in college, when you feel like Samantha Jones is your spirit animal or when youre going through a colossal reinvention and dont want any dicksto steal your focus.

But being single isnt so amazing when youre too amazing to be single.

I can be jaded, and hell yes, I can be bitter.

And half the time, all I want to do is chew a bunch of Xanax and pass out for two weeks straight, just so I dont have to dwell on my dire relationship status.

But instead, I will take the classier approach to believing in my inner-cool and not-psycho self.

I’ll pour all that good energy into the world and hope itll boomerang back to me (or something).

“Like hello, love? Are you there?”

“Ive been a really great girl this year!”

“Cant you come and find me, please?”

If anything is going to boomerang back to me at this point, it doesnt feel like its going to be love.

I just feel like Im so beyond this.

I dont want to feel like I could star in my own comedy show about my most awkward sexual encounters.

I dont want to learn any more lessons that feel as confusing as science projects.

I dont want to feel like I could write a novel about the worst pick-up lines Ive ever had the displeasure of experiencing firsthand.

So where are all these boy meets girl stories?

I want to be the girl at the caf who needs the milk and meetsthe boy holding the milk, and then we fall inlove forever (or whatever).

Im also willing to get hit by a cab, if thats what it takes to fall in love.

I just feel as though the universe has already put a certain amount of these scenarios on the Earth, and theyve already been used up by every other basic bitch.

Here I am, sloshing through a typhoon of subpar experiences that everybody tells me will only help me realize what it is I want and dont want in a relationship.

You live. You learn.

Okay, well, Im also not Alanis Morissette.

I know what I want, and I know what I dont want.

There is no silver lining.

I shouldnt need another shot of tequila to try to convince myself this dude doesnt already completely annoy the sh*t out of me.

I shouldnt have to hear how guys are just too intimidated by pretty, intelligent girls and are terrified of rejection.

If youre not going to talk to me first like a true man, then stop undressing me with your eyes from across the room.

Then, I can go back to chuggingdrinks without any expectations, and I can keep texting my friends about how I hate everyone tonight.

Im at the point now where I either need to move to Alaska (where the ratio of men to women is two to one), become a lesbian or get a new vibrator (along with 10 cats) and call it my own happily ever after.

My mother suggested I go to a museum or get a new hobby, as if climbing a wall or seeing a Matisse will suddenly fulfill that gaping hole in my life.

And it only gets worsebecause everybody who is taken sucks.

I just dont get it.

They say babe 100times a day.

They are the chronic daters.

They are the ones who drink pinot grigio at sports bars and dont know how to cook dinner.

And what is it with these couples never matching?

The guy is always hotter, and the girl is maybe a seven (at best) and always has a stink eye.

She probably turned him into a vegan, cries when she gets wasted and forces him into every duck-faced selfie on her Instagram.

But, hes just as bad for giving in to it, and I could never envy that kind of passive dude.

So carry on, boy and girl vanilla.

Im just the queen of doggy style over here, and I can cook a lasagna to save the world.

I’m simply looking for a permanent shuffleboard partner wholl screw me whether I win or lose and not feel the need to cuddle after.

But those two can enjoy their brunch.

Im just gonna go home alone, drink a beer and masturbate.

And thats when Facebook happens.

I dont know why I still have it.

The only posts I can stand these days are either about hockey, ugly dogs or bacon.

Otherwise, I just cant because of all the marriage and the babies.

“Oh, I remember that girl from college.She was always hooking up with a different guy every other day,and now she has two kids whose names begin with the same letter.”

“What is up with thosepregnancy pictures?”

“Why do they have to make hearts with their hands like that?”

“Are they really that happy smiling at an aquarium or under an apple tree?”

I get that people change.

I just dont get how these psycho or boring people have found love and lives for themselves (even if a little clichd), and I havent.

Even others youd never imagine those with daddy issues, those who sort of look like horses or those who have meltdowns over French toast that doesn’t have enough butter are the ones with the boyfriends who are both good on paper and have beards.

I just cant deal with itfor one more second.

I guess its good, though, that in this barren love life of mine, I still believe in how cool I am, regardless of how much everybody else sucks.

I just dont want to be single anymore.

I want to be done f*cking around, so I can give myself wholly to one person who doesnt give a sh*t about all thedumbass sh*t I dont careabout, either.

I just want to order delivery with two sets of plastic forks and have the same man kiss me forever.

Is that really too much to ask for in life?

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/01/being-single-is-fcking-horrible-so-we-need-to-stop-lying-to-ourselves/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/168071955292

[samanthasroberts]

Being Single Is F*cking Horrible, So We Need To Stop Lying To Ourselves

This will not be polite.

Honestly, if I have to read one more article about how fabulous it is to be single, Im going to throw up in my mouth.

Thanks, but get out of here.

Lets not glorify a subject that makes me want to drown my single sorrows in a bottle of malt liquor, shall we?

The fact of it is, Im so cool, and everybody else sucks.

But, Im the one whos single, and these people are the ones with boyfriends.

Give me a couple seconds while I yoga breathe my way through making sense of this, and then I’ll continue with that vomit-in-my-mouth feeling.

Im not saying being single is always a disaster.

Being single is amazing when youre in college, when you feel like Samantha Jones is your spirit animal or when youre going through a colossal reinvention and dont want any dicksto steal your focus.

But being single isnt so amazing when youre too amazing to be single.

I can be jaded, and hell yes, I can be bitter.

And half the time, all I want to do is chew a bunch of Xanax and pass out for two weeks straight, just so I dont have to dwell on my dire relationship status.

But instead, I will take the classier approach to believing in my inner-cool and not-psycho self.

I’ll pour all that good energy into the world and hope itll boomerang back to me (or something).

“Like hello, love? Are you there?”

“Ive been a really great girl this year!”

“Cant you come and find me, please?”

If anything is going to boomerang back to me at this point, it doesnt feel like its going to be love.

I just feel like Im so beyond this.

I dont want to feel like I could star in my own comedy show about my most awkward sexual encounters.

I dont want to learn any more lessons that feel as confusing as science projects.

I dont want to feel like I could write a novel about the worst pick-up lines Ive ever had the displeasure of experiencing firsthand.

So where are all these boy meets girl stories?

I want to be the girl at the caf who needs the milk and meetsthe boy holding the milk, and then we fall inlove forever (or whatever).

Im also willing to get hit by a cab, if thats what it takes to fall in love.

I just feel as though the universe has already put a certain amount of these scenarios on the Earth, and theyve already been used up by every other basic bitch.

Here I am, sloshing through a typhoon of subpar experiences that everybody tells me will only help me realize what it is I want and dont want in a relationship.

You live. You learn.

Okay, well, Im also not Alanis Morissette.

I know what I want, and I know what I dont want.

There is no silver lining.

I shouldnt need another shot of tequila to try to convince myself this dude doesnt already completely annoy the sh*t out of me.

I shouldnt have to hear how guys are just too intimidated by pretty, intelligent girls and are terrified of rejection.

If youre not going to talk to me first like a true man, then stop undressing me with your eyes from across the room.

Then, I can go back to chuggingdrinks without any expectations, and I can keep texting my friends about how I hate everyone tonight.

Im at the point now where I either need to move to Alaska (where the ratio of men to women is two to one), become a lesbian or get a new vibrator (along with 10 cats) and call it my own happily ever after.

My mother suggested I go to a museum or get a new hobby, as if climbing a wall or seeing a Matisse will suddenly fulfill that gaping hole in my life.

And it only gets worsebecause everybody who is taken sucks.

I just dont get it.

They say babe 100times a day.

They are the chronic daters.

They are the ones who drink pinot grigio at sports bars and dont know how to cook dinner.

And what is it with these couples never matching?

The guy is always hotter, and the girl is maybe a seven (at best) and always has a stink eye.

She probably turned him into a vegan, cries when she gets wasted and forces him into every duck-faced selfie on her Instagram.

But, hes just as bad for giving in to it, and I could never envy that kind of passive dude.

So carry on, boy and girl vanilla.

Im just the queen of doggy style over here, and I can cook a lasagna to save the world.

I’m simply looking for a permanent shuffleboard partner wholl screw me whether I win or lose and not feel the need to cuddle after.

But those two can enjoy their brunch.

Im just gonna go home alone, drink a beer and masturbate.

And thats when Facebook happens.

I dont know why I still have it.

The only posts I can stand these days are either about hockey, ugly dogs or bacon.

Otherwise, I just cant because of all the marriage and the babies.

“Oh, I remember that girl from college.She was always hooking up with a different guy every other day,and now she has two kids whose names begin with the same letter.”

“What is up with thosepregnancy pictures?”

“Why do they have to make hearts with their hands like that?”

“Are they really that happy smiling at an aquarium or under an apple tree?”

I get that people change.

I just dont get how these psycho or boring people have found love and lives for themselves (even if a little clichd), and I havent.

Even others youd never imagine those with daddy issues, those who sort of look like horses or those who have meltdowns over French toast that doesn’t have enough butter are the ones with the boyfriends who are both good on paper and have beards.

I just cant deal with itfor one more second.

I guess its good, though, that in this barren love life of mine, I still believe in how cool I am, regardless of how much everybody else sucks.

I just dont want to be single anymore.

I want to be done f*cking around, so I can give myself wholly to one person who doesnt give a sh*t about all thedumbass sh*t I dont careabout, either.

I just want to order delivery with two sets of plastic forks and have the same man kiss me forever.

Is that really too much to ask for in life?

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/01/being-single-is-fcking-horrible-so-we-need-to-stop-lying-to-ourselves/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/12/01/being-single-is-fcking-horrible-so-we-need-to-stop-lying-to-ourselves/

[allofbeercom]

Being Single Is F*cking Horrible, So We Need To Stop Lying To Ourselves

This will not be polite.

Honestly, if I have to read one more article about how fabulous it is to be single, Im going to throw up in my mouth.

Thanks, but get out of here.

Lets not glorify a subject that makes me want to drown my single sorrows in a bottle of malt liquor, shall we?

The fact of it is, Im so cool, and everybody else sucks.

But, Im the one whos single, and these people are the ones with boyfriends.

Give me a couple seconds while I yoga breathe my way through making sense of this, and then I’ll continue with that vomit-in-my-mouth feeling.

Im not saying being single is always a disaster.

Being single is amazing when youre in college, when you feel like Samantha Jones is your spirit animal or when youre going through a colossal reinvention and dont want any dicksto steal your focus.

But being single isnt so amazing when youre too amazing to be single.

I can be jaded, and hell yes, I can be bitter.

And half the time, all I want to do is chew a bunch of Xanax and pass out for two weeks straight, just so I dont have to dwell on my dire relationship status.

But instead, I will take the classier approach to believing in my inner-cool and not-psycho self.

I’ll pour all that good energy into the world and hope itll boomerang back to me (or something).

“Like hello, love? Are you there?”

“Ive been a really great girl this year!”

“Cant you come and find me, please?”

If anything is going to boomerang back to me at this point, it doesnt feel like its going to be love.

I just feel like Im so beyond this.

I dont want to feel like I could star in my own comedy show about my most awkward sexual encounters.

I dont want to learn any more lessons that feel as confusing as science projects.

I dont want to feel like I could write a novel about the worst pick-up lines Ive ever had the displeasure of experiencing firsthand.

So where are all these boy meets girl stories?

I want to be the girl at the caf who needs the milk and meetsthe boy holding the milk, and then we fall inlove forever (or whatever).

Im also willing to get hit by a cab, if thats what it takes to fall in love.

I just feel as though the universe has already put a certain amount of these scenarios on the Earth, and theyve already been used up by every other basic bitch.

Here I am, sloshing through a typhoon of subpar experiences that everybody tells me will only help me realize what it is I want and dont want in a relationship.

You live. You learn.

Okay, well, Im also not Alanis Morissette.

I know what I want, and I know what I dont want.

There is no silver lining.

I shouldnt need another shot of tequila to try to convince myself this dude doesnt already completely annoy the sh*t out of me.

I shouldnt have to hear how guys are just too intimidated by pretty, intelligent girls and are terrified of rejection.

If youre not going to talk to me first like a true man, then stop undressing me with your eyes from across the room.

Then, I can go back to chuggingdrinks without any expectations, and I can keep texting my friends about how I hate everyone tonight.

Im at the point now where I either need to move to Alaska (where the ratio of men to women is two to one), become a lesbian or get a new vibrator (along with 10 cats) and call it my own happily ever after.

My mother suggested I go to a museum or get a new hobby, as if climbing a wall or seeing a Matisse will suddenly fulfill that gaping hole in my life.

And it only gets worsebecause everybody who is taken sucks.

I just dont get it.

They say babe 100times a day.

They are the chronic daters.

They are the ones who drink pinot grigio at sports bars and dont know how to cook dinner.

And what is it with these couples never matching?

The guy is always hotter, and the girl is maybe a seven (at best) and always has a stink eye.

She probably turned him into a vegan, cries when she gets wasted and forces him into every duck-faced selfie on her Instagram.

But, hes just as bad for giving in to it, and I could never envy that kind of passive dude.

So carry on, boy and girl vanilla.

Im just the queen of doggy style over here, and I can cook a lasagna to save the world.

I’m simply looking for a permanent shuffleboard partner wholl screw me whether I win or lose and not feel the need to cuddle after.

But those two can enjoy their brunch.

Im just gonna go home alone, drink a beer and masturbate.

And thats when Facebook happens.

I dont know why I still have it.

The only posts I can stand these days are either about hockey, ugly dogs or bacon.

Otherwise, I just cant because of all the marriage and the babies.

“Oh, I remember that girl from college.She was always hooking up with a different guy every other day,and now she has two kids whose names begin with the same letter.”

“What is up with thosepregnancy pictures?”

“Why do they have to make hearts with their hands like that?”

“Are they really that happy smiling at an aquarium or under an apple tree?”

I get that people change.

I just dont get how these psycho or boring people have found love and lives for themselves (even if a little clichd), and I havent.

Even others youd never imagine those with daddy issues, those who sort of look like horses or those who have meltdowns over French toast that doesn’t have enough butter are the ones with the boyfriends who are both good on paper and have beards.

I just cant deal with itfor one more second.

I guess its good, though, that in this barren love life of mine, I still believe in how cool I am, regardless of how much everybody else sucks.

I just dont want to be single anymore.

I want to be done f*cking around, so I can give myself wholly to one person who doesnt give a sh*t about all thedumbass sh*t I dont careabout, either.

I just want to order delivery with two sets of plastic forks and have the same man kiss me forever.

Is that really too much to ask for in life?

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/01/being-single-is-fcking-horrible-so-we-need-to-stop-lying-to-ourselves/

[pleaseimtryingtogetbetter-blog]

An In-depth Analysis of Myself: the first critique

All the names are changed, and upon looking at the title there will be no end of self analysis. just letters upon letters to me, about me. This was written a few months ago, so who knows how im feeling now. try not to jude me too hard, whoever you are.

I'm so tired of feeling like crap about myself. I have good days and I have bad days. I'm so insecure no matter how hard I try to be confident. I like who I am on the inside, not the out. I know they say the outside doesn't match the inside, but what if it did? Is my outside appearance a direct reflection of who I am inside? Why do I look like this? Why wasn't I born beautiful?

I'm always going to be a big girl. And I'm slowly becoming okay with that. My legs don't bother me, or my arms. It's my middle. My large broad shoulders, the rolls of back fat that ruin any dress or short sleeve. And my big huge stomach that's never satisfied. I hate anything right on my body, anything that sticks to my skin makes me uncomfortable. I need things to be loose to hide the larger components of my body. Most just say eat right and work out, and while I agree, it's not that easy. All my life people think it’s okay to comment on my weight. The doctors, my family, and people who claim to be my friends. It ha always taken a dark toll on me, i developed self destructive behavior at such a young age part of me thought I was lying to myself. That I made up the eating disorder. I never ate anything. For some reason, it didn't bother anyone. They thought i was dieting because i only ate once a day. I got really skinny for my body type that summer. Going into middle school i slowly got better, until i was unhealthy in the opposite extreme. My parents ask why couldn't i put myself on another diet like i had before, they didnt realize i was sick. i didnt realize i was sick. i realized they couldn't see what i was doing to myself. For a while, I thought i was doing really well. I didn't deny myself what i wanted, and i felt comfortable.

Of course like all good things, it came to an end. I don't want to project this on anything other than myself, but i cant help but blame others. For some reason, i thought that since i was going to therapy i was getting better. Unfortunately thats not all that goes into it. The therapist can only do so much, the rest comes from you. Compared to my junior year, senior was way better. Or so i thought. Scholastically, senior year was better. My relationship with my mother was better. Everything should be going my way, but I'm still unhappy. I thought i kicked depressions ass, because i didn't feel so gray all the time anymore, once i realized i had everything i needed to be happy, good grades, great friends, and college acceptance, yet i wasnt, and that told me i wasn't cured just yet. I feel lousy all the time, plagued by mediocrity. Which can stem to all kinds of other issues, but for now let’s focus on my dissolving self confidence. Its not just my body i hate but my face too. My acne is crippling, getting worse everyday. Makeup doesnt do the trick anymore. At the end of the day the makeup wipe reveals the true ugliness beneath, not like the mask was any better. And for a while, i challenged myself to not wear makeup for a while. Sadly that only lasted a few days. You can have a great day, and one comment can ruin you. You see, my makeup less face oddly gave me confidence. Confidence to show who i truly am and to let myself breath. Ultimately, one comment destroyed that all in .002 seconds.

Remember how i said i didn't want to reject blame? Well I'm going to try and justify other peoples actions anyway. Jake is one of my friends. Honestly for a little bit i thought i liked him, but i only liked the attention and i often looked to him for validation because it was the only male friendship without any strict platonic mood placed on it. I can be honest with myself and admit that i was mainly attracted to the idea of us together because he was new, and i could make someone else jealous. However the stark difference between us enlightened me to see that we could never be together because we would never work. He is the opposite of what i want. He isn't goal driven and is often derogatory. Yet, I still look to him for validation just the same. Anyway, for some unknown reason, the last month he has made constant comments on my appearance. Im not entirely sure if he always did this, and I'm just barely noticing, or he is stating because we are slowly becoming more comfortable with one another. He has made comments that have really hurt my feelings. And it is a consistent behavior with him. He has made comments on my weight, my body, my height, my behavior, and my acne. He has made attacks on almost every inch of my being. And what angers me the most is that i often defend hid behavior to my friends. The last few weeks, there has not been a class period where i have left without feeling gross about myself. I excuse this behavior because i know he is equally insecure about everything i am in different perspectives. Yet, this behavior towards me is not acceptable. His comments destroy any inch of confidence i have left in me. I try not to comment on peoples appearance and if i have, i apologize. Jake also suffers from acne and we talk about it a lot. On my no makeup challenge, i anticipated a comment from him, and i shouldn't have to. he said “now that I've seen your real acne i feel better about mine” How does he think thats okay to say to someone who is obviously insecure about how they look? I wear heavy makeup, and he has commented on that as well. Why do people feel the need to comment on my appearance and attack the most vulnerable parts of me? If it can't be fixed in 5 minutes don't say anything. His verbal abuse, while unbeknownst to him, real contributes to my own self hatred. It fuels my fear of being unwanted. He is a close friend, but also a bully in my life.

Fear of being unwanted undoubtably comes from my father abandonment. He left at a young age for reasons I'm too scared to know and i have zero memories of him. I am extremely thankful for my mother and all she has done for me, but there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him. Why did he leave? Was he not ready for a child? He has other children with another women and i often wonder if they know about me. Either unfortunately or fortunately, daddy issues is a common trope in todays society. I connect with many characters in media. Like Barney from How I Met Your Mother, Rebecca from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and Gabriel Iglesias’ own experience with his father. Like them, my father tried to contact me when i was about 15. Ultimately i said no and did not want contact with him. At 18, i am still not comfortable with the idea of having a relationship with him. He has hurt me deeply and I am not ready to forgive him for that. His abandonment makes me feel like i wasn't enough for him, and that i never will be. Probably the reason i find it so hard to connect with males. I can never truly trust them, much like i can never truly trust anyone because everyone leaves me in the end.

One thing i want to talk about is what happened with Oliver. He is not guilty in any reason, and if you look at it, a minuscule problem in my life. I finally got the guts to tell him how i feel about him, i kinda chicken out and wrote him a letter, but writing my feelings is more therapeutic than saying it, clearly. I told him knowing a relationship wouldn't result. And i think that that is the only reason that made me do it. Yes i genuinely have feelings for him, but i am no way ready for a relationship. Of course i want to make him happy and be with him, but i don't want to know what real heartbreak is, because I'm pretty sure i am heartbroken over myself. If that makes any sense at all. Anyway, i was denied and am okay with it. But it is another experience that makes me feel unworthy of anything real. I have never had anyone show interest in me, and while it is superficial, i long for a little attention. To verify that i am wanted. That i am beautiful. All of which i do not believe in, i want others to, and that is unhealthy. 

Compared to my friends, who are gorgeous, i am the ugly duckling, and I'm okay admitting to it because i know no one else will. Actually my relationships with everyone seem as artificial as my hair color. All my friendships and family relationships seem to be temporary. I know everyone has someone they like more than me. Jennifer is my best friend, but i know she secretly prefers Rebecca or Penelope over me anytime. Daisy is one of my best friends, but i know my recent actions have made her hate me and i walk on eggshells with her now. Isabella is like my sister but i know I'm a third option to her. Behind Yolanda and Trina, and Brandon, Im someone in the background to fall back on. Vanessa is someone i treasure but i know she would prefer a night out with Kristina or anyone else. I know it’s selfish to want to be someones priority, but feeling unimportant to everyone is real hell. I feel like people keep me around because I'm dependable, and I'm tired of it. I look out for everyone, so who the hell looks out for me?

I do the most for my friends. I go above and beyond for everyone, and i notice i set the bar so high for friendship i feel like i don't have any. I want someone to be there for me like i am for everyone else. I look at myself as a lone wolf, but being alone weakens you faster. I am unable to look inside myself and find real strength. All i find is weakness.

I am sick to my stomach because i am so disgusted with myself. I am scared out my mind because no one notices I'm not okay. I cant ask for help, because i don't want people to look at me differently. I am very candid with the fact that i am mentally ill, and pride myself that i go to therapy, but laying a lot of my flaws out on the table is not easy. i know that this paper does not contain all things that i do not like about myself, but for now it is an installment.

If I ever send this to you, i am not attacking you. I am not looking for attention or compliments or sympathy. I am simply being honest with myself and need to write it out. I am hurt and i can feel a self destructive behavior coming over me and this is a signal to be on alert for any alarming actions i might do. Do not smother me, it will only anger me. Do not bombard me with questions about my sanity or overly ask if I'm okay, as i am not clearly sure myself. If you reached this point i am worried that you are scared for me, and my safety. And while i feel that I am being dramatic and this is a crazy disclaimer, this is NOT a suicide note. I am not going to kill myself. I could never do that to my family and cannot put Jennifer through another suicide. If I ever send you this, I am sharing something very personal and ask you to keep this just between us and not show anyone else. I am someone who struggles with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, sleep issues, and deep rooted fears. And while it may seem contradictory to what i have previously stated, I will be okay.