#but even then i'd be more interesting in writing what i experience in my life than the idealized stylized media version

[donnerpartyofone]

This is from Adam Bornstein's column in Arnold Schwarzenegger's newsletter, which I feel somewhat silly about reading so faithfully but it is not infrequently interesting. Over the past few years I have been thinking about discipline, how you gain it and lose it, and what it does for you besides achieving a specific outcome. To say that the product of self-control is self-control itself may not sound very enticing, but it's pretty important. I feel like I've lost a lot of that over the last few chapters of my life, and I suspect that it is harder to gain back at my age, but I need to think about it.

I've been thinking about my entire life history with self-control. When I was a kid, I was masochistically disciplined. As early on as I can remember, I had this impression that life was essentially or even exclusively difficult and the only way to justify your existence and satisfy other people was to continuously demonstrate your ability to endure pain, boredom, frustration, deprivation, disappointment, and embarrassment, every hour of every day, forever. (Not that I always endured these things without having a fucking meltdown, but they were the entire content of my life it seemed, so I WAS enduring them) It wasn't all bad, I guess; I got good grades and, like, I remember enjoying karate classes, which are heavily predicated on repetition and endurance and delayed gratification. I had a weird fixation on the army; I didn't fantasize about war or patriotism or whatever, it was this whole thing about how I would be amazing at boot camp and getting yelled at. I also had some sort of bizarre idea about prison, like I would be the best at being a prisoner. This is because I'm a natural-born pervert.

Sometime in my 20s, I started to lose my discipline. I think there were a lot of reasons. A big reason is probably that I didn't have anything to be disciplined FOR. I'd been told my whole life that I was smart and I could be anything I wanted when I grew up, or whatever, so I thought that eventually it would start to become clear what I should do with my life, but it never did. The few things I thought would make a good career for me were things I had no practical understanding of, no idea what it took to make them into a job, so I just didn't do them. This surely means I was never going to be good at them anyway; I think when you're truly interested in something you become compelled by an affectionate curiosity about what you need to learn and do in order to participate in that thing. I may also be too intellectually deficient to have figured out the right questions about my interests, but anyway, all that youthful discipline I had built up to get good grades and satisfy adults didn't really have a purpose when I became an adult myself, so my grip on myself started to slip.

My early adult life was pretty bad. Just the basics of finding jobs and places to live eluded me; I never had the knowledge or the paperwork or the experience or the self-confidence to do the adult things, and I think this was pretty painfully obvious to other adults who were in a position to give me opportunities. I had a sense of being really stunted and way behind where I should be in my personal development, at my age, but I didn't know what to do about it. I did try; there's a perception about me that I just give up and don't try, so I often feel like no one is willing to recognize how often I try and fail, and I'm struggling to let go of my resentment about that. Anyway I continued my early childhood trend of having relationships with pushy, manipulative, abusive people who fed back to me the worst truths about myself, so they seemed very "honest" to me, a quality I admired. I spent most of my time just feeling bad and/or trying to survive social situations. It bothers me now when I think about all the years that I could have spent reading really great books that I still haven't read, trying to write and draw more, watching the movies that I'm still struggling to catch up on, seeing more art. Being in pain is a full-time job, it is incredibly time-consuming, and you will lose a lot more time if, in addition to being in pain, you are spending your evenings not reading Nabokov but watching The Jersey Shore and Mad Men and various other shows about abusive cheaters with your abusive cheating boyfriend who is shouting at the screen about how the girls force the guys to cheat, and who might start screaming at you and keeping you awake for days and chasing you into the closet if you betray the slightest hint of discomfort. All of that is extremely time-consuming.

When life got better, I think I had kind of a revenge reaction against discipline. Like in the early part of my life I had no money, and by the time I had some money I had no understanding of how it worked and no respect for it because I always had this powerful sense that everything is turning into ash before your eyes anyway and nothing is yours so who really cares. So if I got money, I'd just fucking spend it. Being so intensely disciplined as a kid had gotten me nowhere, as far as I could tell, so fuck it, I'm eating fucking candy bars, I'm having another suicidal bodega hoagie for dinner, why the fuck shouldn't I. I will sleep all goddamn day if I want, for days on end, I have a lot of self-indulgence to catch up on!

I'm not completely without discipline as a full-blown adult, I still have plenty of guilt and obligation and fear motivating me to go to the doctor and shit like that. I wish I were more motivated by optimism and a sense of building something, but I must say that doesn't often seem to work. The doctor is often frustrating and ambiguous. Sometimes I get a simple-seeming treatment for a problem, and it destroys a different part of my body and then I have to be on four new medications, and medications to control their side effects. Sometimes I pick up a new form of exercise and I feel good about myself for making an effort, and then the new routine causes problems I need to pay for treatment to fix. It seems I always have to sacrifice one part of myself for another and it's just a perpetual balancing act of barely-normal or sub-normal functioning. I wish it felt more like self-improvement. I wish I could enjoy feeling responsible without then feeling like I made a huge mistake and basically my whole being is just a lemon that does not warrant this much maintenance and concern.

But anyway.

After XX years I just had so many disappointments and made so many unpleasant discoveries, I started to wonder why people say "At least you tried." Like are we SURE that "trying" is, in and of itself, virtuous? Isn't it sometimes that you should "choose your battles" or something? Isn't giving up at least sometimes the actual correct and rational thing to do, when the ROI is nonexistent? What's with the "trying" all the time, what's with the not so subtle suggestion that there's some superior moral affect of trying?

It took me a long time to figure out that making an effort, at anything, even if it doesn't pay off in the specific expected way, builds you into a more resilient and capable person. I did have some counter-examples that helped me see what was going on, of people who performatively did the absolute bare fucking minimum and expected to be showered with praise and encouragement for it, and it was like this big trap to prove that nobody was giving them the unconditional love that they believed they deserved, and being in that behavioral habit all the time eventually rendered them incapable of actually sitting down and writing the thing or making the art or shooting the shot, or whatever, just for the love of doing those things and the curiosity about what could happen if you try. I saw that happening and I did not want to be like that. It painted a very clear picture of what "character" is, what is meant by "building character". The total refusal to ever make yourself uncomfortable doesn't only have specific in-situ destructive effects, but it also makes you a person who is generally less capable of dealing with life.

I want to get back to where I can make myself do things, not only out of fear and shame and masochism, and also not only to obtain a certain result which may not ever come, but just to rebuild self-control. I know that at my age, after a lot of neglect and nihilism, it's going to be harder to get that back. But it's gotta be worth it. I'm thinking about that thing where Arnold Schwarzenegger took ballet lessons to improve his posing, which by his account made him feel totally ridiculous, and like he knew he wasn't going to become a skilled ballerina or anything--but in the short term it did improve his poses, and in the longer term it made him more capable of doing things that felt embarrassing and hard and that he wasn't necessarily cut out for. That seems like a reasonable goal for me.

[inkskinned]

even 2 years ago people still said autism with a whisper. it was also how people sometimes whisper lesbian, like they're afraid of uttering a slur. autistic was either an insult or it was something terrible, a horrible burden only select people endure. "select people" were usually 9 year old boys and skinny white men.

they are not hispanic young adults with a dog and a life and friends. i can make (sustained, calculated, painful) eye contact. with certain people, i don't even have to count how many seconds i am holding their vision - i can just look at them. i can wear clothes that bother me, i will just have a worse day than usual. i might cry about any changes to my schedule - but change is scary! this is normal!

when i was 16 it was OCD. i mean that was the thing everyone said. i totally have ocd. they would arrange 6 colors of gel pen in rainbow order (no worry for indigo feeling left out) and they'd be "so ocd" about it.

if you struggle with intrusive thoughts, be careful at this next paragraph, but. at 16 i developed a compulsion that involved self-harm. my ocd was convinced i was simply forgetting that i'd hurt someone terribly - a thought that persisted for no clear or delineated reason.

at some point i will probably write about how the idea of "morally pure thoughts" was hell for me and others with ocd, but this was the odd dichotomy for many of us: they liked our "aesthetic", but were genuinely repulsed by our lived experience. "intrusive thoughts" now means "cutting your hair in the sink" instead of talking yourself down from believing horrible things. "so ocd" is a label without any true understanding.

it's something i've talked about before - in multiplicity - but i firmly believe in the veracity and necessity of self-diagnosis. i think it saves lives and it saves tragedies from occurring. as someone raised in a house that wasn't safe, self-diagnosis was, for many years, the only viable option. 15 and honestly googling: am i depressed or are there demons affecting my behavior.

but it is not genuine self-diagnosis anymore, most of the time. it is a strange, blanched version of that whispered word autism. now certain traits are constantly seen as "autistic" - any passing intense interest. any flubbed social interaction. people say it while laughing - a touch of the 'tism.

and i like the acceptance! i do. i like that people are talking about it. i like that if i self-identify, more people speak up and say me too, bitch. but there is something-else quietly happening, the way it happened to OCD. the quirky, "fun" parts have been washed and sanitized and removed of all suffering. now it is just something that makes you "a little bit silly."

it took me 27 years on this planet before i learned to make friends. something about me just seems incredibly odd, i guess, some kind of radiation monitoring. someone once (in a way that was almost friendly) told me i am doing the right things, but in a way that's off-putting. i have scoured myself raw attempting to be charming.

someone on tiktok does a deep dive into their particular passion. the top comment says "what kind of autism is this lol". like we are a breed of animal. like it has no influence on our experience. like our life is a fresh breeze, an open meadow.

more often for me, life was a drowning.

[sarahreesbrennan]

Are all the themes in “in other lands” supposed to be a commentary on something? Or do you just like writing sex scenes between minors, age gaps, and reverse misogyny?

Genuine question.

Ohhh, my dear anon, I don't believe this is a genuine question.

But it does bring up something I've been meaning to talk about. So I'll take the bait.

Firstly. Yes, my work contains a commentary on the world around us. I wonder what I could be doing with the child soldiers being sexually active in their teens (people hook up right after battles), and the age gap relationship ending in the younger one being too mature for the elder. What could I possibly have been attempting when I said 'how absurd gender roles are, when projected onto people we haven't been accustomed by our own society to see that way'? I wasn't being subtle, that's for sure.

Secondly. Yes I do enjoy writing! I think I should, it's my life's work. Am I titillated by my own writing, no - though I think it's fine to be. The sex scenes of In Other Lands aren't especially titillating, to be honest. It is interesting to me how often people sneer at women for writing romance and sex scenes, having 'book boyfriends,' insinuating women writers fancy their own characters. Women having too much immoral fun! Whereas men clearly write about sex for high literary purposes.

… I have to say from my experience of women and men's writing, I haven't found that to be true.

I’m not in this to have an internet argument. Mostly people use bad faith takes to poke at others from the other side of a screen for kicks. But I do know some truly internalise the attitude that writing certain things is wrong, that anyone who makes mistakes must be shunned as impure, and that is a deeply Victorian and restrictive attitude that guarantees unhappiness.

I've become increasingly troubled by the very binary and extreme ways of thinking I see arising on the internet. They come naturally from people being in echo chambers, becoming hostile to differing opinions, and the age-old conundrum of wanting to be good, fearing you aren't, and making the futile effort to be free of sin. It makes me think of Tennyson, who when travelling through Ireland at the time of the Great Famine, said nobody should talk about the 'Irish distress' to him and insisted the window shades of his carriage be shut as he went from castle to castle. So he wouldn't see the bodies. But that didn't make the bodies cease to be.

In Les Mis, Victor Hugo explores why someone might steal, what that means about them and their circumstances, and who they might be - and explores why someone else is made terribly unhappy, and endangers others, through their own too rigid adherence to judgement and condemnation without pity. The story understands both Jean Valjean the thief and Javert the policeman. Javert’s way of thinking is the one that inevitably leads to tragedy.

Depiction isn't endorsement. Depiction is discussion.

Many of my loved ones have had widely varying relationships to and experience of sex (including 'none'). They've felt all different types of ways about it. If writing about them is not permissible, I close them out. I'd much rather a dialogue be open than closed.

I do understand the urge to write what seems right to others. I've been brain-poisoned that way myself. I used to worry so much about my female characters doing the wrong things, because then they'd be justly hated! Then I noted which of my writer friends had people love their female characters the most - and it was the one who wrote their female characters as screwing up massively, making rash and sometimes wrong decisions. Who wrote them as people. Because that's what people do. That's what feels true to readers.

I want my characters to feel true to readers. I want my characters to react in messy ways to imperfect situations. I love fantasy, I love wild action and I love deep thought, and I want to engage. That's what In Other Lands is about. That's even more what Long Live Evil is about. That sexy lady who sashays in to have sexy sex with the hero - what is her deal? Someone who tricks and lies to others - why are they doing that, how did they get so skilled at it? What makes one person cruelly judgemental, and another ignore all boundaries? What makes Carmen Maria Machado describe ‘fictional queer villains’ as ‘by far the most interesting characters’? What irritates people about women having a great time? What attracts us to power, to fiction, and to transgression?

I don’t know the answers to all those questions, but I know I want to explore them. And I know one more thing.

If the moral thing to do is shut people out and shut people up? Count me among the villains.

[anxiousnerdwritings]

I am going FERAL over this imagine:

So basically Bruce brings reader home to be his new daughter/the boys' new sibling but Uh Oh! They now want you carnally and reader is just like "you said you wanted me as a daughter/sibling, wtf is this" and being their platonic darling is better than being shared between them romantically so reader tries to come off as innocent and child/sibling coded by being like "yeah I've never actually kissed or dated anyone before aren't I just so innocent" and the boys are like :)))

So then Dick says you can call him your boyfriend "just to feel it out" and Tim starts blatantly stealing your panties and Jason says he can give you your 1st kiss so you can "practice" with him and Bruce offers to teach you how to touch yourself and (and him) and when you try to walk it back cause the boys are being Freaks they're in their delulu era so eventually you end up tied to the bed with the boys and Bruce drawing straws over who gets to take what 1sts (like 1st date, kiss, virginity, ect).

And Damien is just in the background absolutely SEETHING cause the the boys and Bruce's Horny Time keeps interrupting his Mommy Time with the reader

And reader using Damien as kind of a shield cause what are they going to do, feel you up in front of a CHILD? Like just, "Stay Platonic :))"

Just that kind of pseudo incest makes me Feel Things (*/∀＼*)(///∇///)

I'd love your thoughts/a fic based on this! Ty ❤️

TW: Brief mentions of pseudo incest(y) scenarios/behavior, manipulative tactics, yandere tendencies

(Okay so I’ll answer this with my thoughts for right now.)

I know I primarily write incest(y) related topics for my Game of Thrones/ASOIAF stuff but I have been tempted to/curious about branching it out into some of the other fandoms I write for 👀. (I’ve had a few ideas rolling around in my noggin for a bit if anyone is interested.) So I would be willing to give this a try. I’m down to experiment with some new stuff, within reason of course.

I imagine the Reader being older (probably 19-23), maybe even having been a runaway of sorts or not having a very stable home life, so when they’re given the ‘offer’ to become part of the family they’re looking to fulfill a familial void they’ve never experienced or have forgotten how it’s felt like. I definitely see Bruce and the rest of the boys keeping a very close eye on the Reader before they decide to finally bring them into their family, basically full on stalking them from the moment they caught their attention (you know how the Batfam works). It wouldn’t be a surprise if even before the Reader was with them physically that the boys developed a more carnal desire for them. At first, their intentions were completely platonic, but with all the lengthy observing and information gathering of their supposed-to-be-new-family-member eventually something changed in how they all saw their darling.

I really see the change in their obsession starting with either Dick or Tim first. Especially regarding some accidental or purposeful peeping Tom foolery. I feel like Bruce would be the last to fall victim to the change in direction or at the very least he’s the last one to admit to it. If Damian is younger than I see his obsession staying strictly platonic, but if he were much older than I could see him involving himself to the same depths as his family.

At first, I see things happening subtly. Knowing that at the very least a few of them are already in an obsessive-romantic headspace in regards to their darling before they even physically become part of the family the guys would try to be as welcoming as possible without revealing their true intentions. They don’t want to scare you off right away, they want you to walk into it semi-willingly at least. But the interactions with the Reader would show something else. The lingering touches, the being much closer to you than really necessary, the heated grazes over your clothes here and there that leave you wondering if that actually happened or not. I also kind of like the other members not being fully aware of each other’s change in obsession, everyone giving each other the side eye until it sets in and then all out war of who gets the darling to themself unfolds only to eventually end up with them working together and agreeing to share. That’s when Bruce’s heel-turn is revealed.

Once things get truly amped up, the interactions with the Reader really begin to escalate. The boys would walk around shirtless more often, all of them trying to get their darling to look at them, to really look at them. Eventually, it’s not just them being shitless but either them in nothing but their underwear or nothing at all. They start out as accidents but eventually it’s pretty loud and clear that the guys want you to see them, all of them, to even touch them and feel them to your hearts content. But thats not all, of course it’s not. The touching of their darling only gets all the more intense, to the point that you know damn well that they’re touching you and they want to leave you wanting for more. So much more. The Reader’s innocence and lack of experience would only spur them on even more. They absolutely thrive off of it. They all want to be your first, your first everything. There will be a lot of secret ‘lessons’ being given behind closed doors and telling of “Don’t tell Batdaddy or he’ll get real mad.” “Don’t let Jay know, or he’ll want to punish you for not doing this with him.” “Let this be our secret, (Name). Something just for you and me.” “Can’t tell anyone about this or they’ll ruin it for the both of us.” And they only get even worse from there.

I can’t see Alfred being okay with this in any situation, whatsoever. I think he especially would feel like Bruce and the other boys completely took advantage of the Reader and he would try his best to aid them in trying to keep up with the platonic intention of this entire fiasco. He would be a total cockblock, even going as far as helping Damian in his cockblocking endeavors. Alfred’s intention would be to play both sides so he knows how to help the Reader when it comes to Bruce and the others but it wouldn’t take too long for them to figure out that Alfred is working against them. Like, Alfred was all for the familial-platonic obsession but when things started getting more romantic he was ready to shut that shit down ASAP. You can’t tell me he hasn’t, at least a few times, locked Bruce, Dick, Jason, and Tim out of the house to give the Reader some peace and give Damian his much deserved allotted time with them.

Speaking of Damian, he is a menace (as per usual) but even more so than normal. He really doesn’t take too well to the new direction of his father’s and brothers’ obsession for the Reader. He thinks it’s pretty messed up but he sincerely likes and cares about the Reader and he wants them to stay, he wants them to continue being a part of the family forever so he’ll let some things slide. Some. He even may be willing to look the other way when it eventually comes to Bruce, Dick, Jason, and Tim baby-trapping the Reader if it means this whole ‘family’ thing becomes set in stone with the arrival of a new ‘sibling’. But for the most part, at least early on, Damian would be a huge pain in the ass for the other family members. He feels like he needs to step in to save his darling from the others and their ulterior motives. He’s all his parental/older sibling figure needs, at least at that point. He may even try to runaway with them to keep them safe from the others. Hell, he may even get his mother involved if he was desperate enough, especially if he saw the Reader as a parental figure. Or maybe even another Justice League member to either adopt him and the Reader so that he could have that family experience he was promised with the Reader. Or he would be completely content just living the rest of his life just him and the Reader, platonically of course.

It would either take Bruce or Dick to have a talk with Damian to get him to come to some agreement to allow them to continue with what they’re doing in regards to the Reader. I think Dick would get away with manipulating Damian much better than Bruce could. I think Damian would have some opinions about his father especially throughout this whole situation. Especially since I see Damian being very observant of how Dick, Jason and Tim are behaving towards the Reader early on and picking up on the fuckery taking place, even going as far as telling Bruce about it under the belief his father would be on his side (not ever fathoming the idea of his father also doing similar things to the Reader without him ever knowing). As far as Damian knew his father was completely platonic towards the Reader, as a ‘father’ should be. Right? So understandably Damian feels not only betrayed but also disgusted when he finds out that his father was and still is taking part in, acting in a similarly depraved fashion as the others.

Eventually, I could see them coming together and being one big ‘happy’ family. But it sure as hell comes at a price. (Usually the Reader’s freedom and sense of self outside of the obsession they’ve been dragged into, to drown in alongside their yandere(s).)

[killerlookz]

Hello my fellow Criminal Minds fan! 😊

May I please request headcanons for Spencer falling for a female agent who’s cynical about love and relationships due to being hurt in the past?

a/n: thank you sm for the request! i'd be happy to write this for you! :-)

Falling in Love Again | Spencer Reid Headcannons

pairing: spencer reid x f!reader

content: mentions of reader having been cheated on in the past, uhhhh that's really it haha

word count: 1,478 (sorry she's so long)

Spencer Reid had always been excited about falling in love, the thought of being so close to another person- to share so much with someone was such a wonderful thing to him.

Especially after watching his mom and dad growing up, and the way his father treated her-Spencer was dead set on never becoming anything like him, he looked forward to treating a woman right and spending the rest of his life with her.

But, for as excited as he was he was probably 20 times more nervous about the whole falling in love thing.

So when you came around, and he started to experience that warm, creeping feeling in his chest- he felt a little bit like his world was going to end.

Spencer had never made a move on anyone before, sure he did make out with Lila Archer that one time but he didn't exactly initiate it.

Spencer decided just to channel all of his romantic interest in becoming friends with you, at least he got to spend time with you, that's what really mattered to him. Maybe one day it would turn into something more.

Well.. he hoped until he couldn't help but overhear...

"I went on my first date in months last night, and all this guy did was talk about himself the entire time- didn't let me get a word out, I mean, can you believe it?" Emily says, exasperated

You look up at her as she stands in front of your desk, "Oh, trust me Emily, I can believe it." You shake your head

"I mean," She throws her hands up, "What is it with men? What's wrong with them."

"Everything," You smirk, "They're men. I can't remember I had a good experience with one of them- never maybe?" You laugh. "I've given up on dating."

Your words sunk into Spencer's brain, leaving him with a heavy feeling all around he felt awful- not just about the fact that his chances with you seemed to reduce to zero right there in that moment, but because of how upset you seemed under your sarcastic exterior, he could tell you'd really been hurt before.

A few weeks later you're out for drinks with Emily, Penelope, Morgan, Spencer, and JJ. Amidst the loud, drunken conversations and music at the bar- you can hear the faint chiming sounds of your ring tone, Who would be calling this late?

As you take your phone from your pocket, your stomach drops when you see the number flashing on the screen. The mere sight of those 10 digits making you want to throw your phone to the ground and stomp on it until nothing remains.

"Ooooh, who's that calling." Morgan smirks

You look him dead in the eyes and respond flatly, "My ex."

Morgan's smile doesn't fade instead his smirk seems to deepen, "You two got a little thang goin on?"

"No," You shove your phone back in your pocket, "More like he's trying to get back in my pants after cheating on me- twice."

"Ooh!" Morgan responds, wincing, "So he's a dog."

"A pig is more like it." You scoff, "Who does he think he is. I can't even imagine giving my time to another man again, and even if I could- what makes him so confident I'd give him the time of day."

That familiar heavy pain hits Spencer again.

He's staring at you, and it's like the rest of the bar doesn't even exist. Only you, as you bite your lip, trying to hide any emotion in your face.

Spencer has become good at reading your emotions, maybe it's because he spends so much time with you- maybe it's because of how often he finds himself staring at your face. As much as you try to seem nonchalant, he could tell how upset you are.

Spencer would spend more time than he wanted to admit fantasizing about treating you well, about giving you the love you never seemed to have.

Every time you made a snarky comment about love, or how men had treated you in the past Spencer would want so desperately bad to just tell you about how well he would treat you, how he would never ever hurt you, how he would spend his entire life taking care of you.

The words were practically scratching up his throat, begging to be let out. But still, he would just swallow them down, and give you a sympathetic look, he couldn't muster up being able to do anything more.

At the very least, Spencer's plan of becoming friends with you was working.

The two of you would become very good friends.

Spencer would learn everything he could about you, he would want to know as much as possible.

Not in a weird creepy way- but in a he just thinks you're so amazing he can't get enough of you sort of way.

Every time you and Spencer hung out he wouldn't be able to ignore that nagging feeling, the thought of putting an arm around you and pulling you close, of holding your hand in his, or placing a delicate kiss on your cheek.

The thoughts would eat away at Spencer, and he would only fall more, and more in love with you.

Still, he would lose more hope every time you divulged information about your prior encounters with love. He couldn't blame you for feeling so cynical it, not after what you'd been through.

Spencer would think about his mom, about all the wives Rossi had been through, about Hotch and Hailey, about you- he would wonder why love had to be so painful for some people. He was sure he would never hurt somebody he loved.

One day you're over Spencer's apartment, watching a rom-com, and you make a snide remark, "Oh, real love isn't like that." You scoff and roll your eyes.

Spencer doesn't know what it is, but something in him makes him respond, "It could be." He says meekly

You look up at him, caught off guard at his disagreement, "Hm?" you hum

Spencer wasn't able to take it any more, he hated hearing your cynical nature. He would need you to know how you deserved the entire world.

"Love- It can be like the movies." He affirms his stance.

"Not in my experience."

"I would give you love like that." Spencer would tremble as he makes his confession, so unsure of what would happen next.

He would be terrified of your reaction, scared he was about to mess everything up, ruin any future the two of you had together, and even worse, lose your friendship.

"W-what do you mean, Spence."

"I mean, you always talk about how you've been hurt before, and it just-" He takes a deep breath in, contemplating what he's going to say next, "I love you, y/n," He looks down at his lap, then back up at you, "I would never hurt you."

Despite the obvious passion in Spencer's voice, you were still hesitant about it, but everything inside of you told you to give Spencer a chance.

Spencer would insist on taking things slow, you were his first real relationship and he wouldn't want to rush things, for both his and yours sake. He wouldn't pressure you to put a label on things, or even say you're "dating"- those would come on your own time.

Spencer was determined to make you believe in love again, and he would do everything in his power to make sure you knew without a doubt how he felt about you.

Spencer would often get to work before you to surprise you with coffee and a breakfast sandwich, or a donut on your desk in the mornings.

He would insist on having a date night at least once a week, even if the two of you were on a case, ordering room service or finding a local pizza restaurant way late at night was sufficient, as long as the two of you got to spend time together.

Spencer would be hesitant about PDA or really moving too quickly into being too affectionate, still, he would frequently hold your hand, squeezing it tight when he could tell you were stressed or upset- either by a case or by life in general, he just wanted to give you that extra reassurance that he was there for you.

Spencer would really put the work in, he'd exert more effort than you had ever seen from any past relationship into even the tiniest things.

Spencer wouldn't mind though, anything he could do to reassure you that he loves and cares about you, he would do it.

Every little act of love and gratitude would be worth it to him.

He would savor and cherish every hug, every shared glance, every peck on the forehead, on the cheek, on the lips.

It was all worth it to him, every second of it- all he wanted to do was make you smile, to make you fall in love again.

[4dkellysworld]

After deciding 'it is done'

This is more of a manifestation themed post (it's a draft from March when I spontaneously felt like writing it but didn't post it) because I felt like it but I'd appreciate if I didn't get any asks about manifestation* (unless I change my mind later) cos I'll share what I can and there's a lot of material available already! You can see my past post on this topic here. For more posts on it, see @4dbarbie-archive and realisophie's posts here and here and there's also some over at @ndjournal in the experience sharing tag.

*Also because I don't want to send mixed messages to the readers of this blog. I see conscious manifestation as a way to challenge & break limitations and concepts from the mind, not to get things in the world (kinda like Neo learning to bend the spoon in the Matrix if you get me lol). The latter will only pull you deeper into ego and the world, which isn't conducive to self-realization (if that's your goal) if you're focused on satisfying ego and the worldly life. If that makes sense and you resonate and agree with that, then we are on the same page but not everyone is and that's okay too, just do what feels right to you. Just sharing my reasoning :)

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I've been reading this book called Parallel Universes of Self because I read the author Frederick Dodson had an interesting reality shifting experience. I didn't expect to read info on manifestation but they are pretty much the same. I have a few books of his that I'm skimming through out of curiosity and there's some interesting stuff (I might share some other things later, he doesn't just talk about manifestation, but also consciousness, reality and even non-duality).

I thought I'd share the below excerpt because it's explained really well and might help some others. It's also a nice succinct summary of what Ada and Soph talked about for materialization/manifestation as well. I can remember pretty much 95% of the things I've ever "manifested" were from when I acted the way he described after I had decided "it is done". It's easier to do this for things you don't care about because you just end up forgetting about it entirely and then it shows up and you're like 'oh yeah!! nice'.

In the hours, days and weeks after simply rest in the new viewpoint, rest in the fulfilled reality. This means that you don’t try to “make it happen” because you have already claimed it as real. You don’t affirm, visualize, repeat or wait for it. You don’t hope for it to come in some future. Because you have claimed it as already real you don’t even think about it much either. You don’t ask when, how, where it will show up. Instead you simply do what offers itself to you throughout the day, and this will involve commonplace activities. Daily life continues in a natural manner without neediness or lack. Once in awhile you may want to re-feel the body sense of the chosen reality, and enjoy what you have claimed as true, but often not even that is necessary. Furthermore you needn’t be “acting as if” the desired reality is manifest, for that still implies separation. Simply cease to behave in a way that presupposes that it is not already so. You may refuse to ascribe relevance or importance to any events that seem to contradict your newly chosen reality. From the new viewpoint such events may still exist and come up but they are no longer relevant enough to be reacted to and interacted with. They may be the way things are at the moment, but they are no longer the way you are. The corresponding physical manifestation will appear when you stop needing it, chasing after it, looking for it but are instead willingly and lovingly identified with it…not for the sake of “making it manifest” *, but for the sake of experiencing its joy in the here, now and today. *Because trying to make it happen/manifest reinforces the idea/belief that it isn't

This is the same as what 4dbarbie said about getting ego out of the way or as Lester Levenson said, let go and let God. Just let it happen and stop trying to control the process because the more you try, the more you reinforce the fact that it isn't already so. Basically stop putting in effort once you know it is true, just continue knowing with calm and ease that it is the way you want it. Ada also said here:

If you have thoughts like "I need to say my affirmations", "I need to check my state", you're not living in the end but still desiring. When you're able to look at the thing you desire as being something that was once a dream, but now only a memory - you've entered the state of the wish fulfilled. When desire turns into identity, you know you've succeeded in fulfilling yourself.

Yes we're conditioned to think we need to work hard and put effort to earn things in the world but when it comes to manifesting, this sort of mentality will only sabotage and hinder your success. You can literally just decide you have it and then never look back. This sort of mindset can take a bit of time and practice to get used to because it is not something we're used to but the more you practice, the easier it gets.

Here is an excerpt from an astral projection book (I think it's from The Illusion of Method?) I thought was really apt at describing this too. He's talking about AP but you can apply it to manifesting or pretty much anything as well.

Unless you are masochistic, I ask you to reconsider the painful idea of obsessing about time. Bear in mind that results will come whenever they have to, and counting the minutes won't make the outcome arrive faster. It's best if you just forget about it, and accept that it is something that you can't control. You must be patient—most of the time the desired results arrive immediately after giving up control of time. If you are frustrated and/or are afraid of failure, then it means you believe you are in control—and this translates into the feeling that you are responsible for both positive and negative results. Well then, stop thinking that way! Exempting yourself from responsibility is the best course of action there is. As seen in the previous chapter, those who project on command are the ones who couldn’t care less about AP. But the more you obfuscate yourself, the lesser your chances of success —and trust me, you won’t want to get trapped in that vicious cycle. Astral projection works when you stop worrying about failure because you trust that it will happen, whether you “do” something or not.

It’s the same thing: just in the same way that being hasty for sleep to occur keeps us wakeful and alert, being expectant over the OBE will keep us caged in the physical body. If the mind is constantly thinking about the goal, it can easily enter a state of expectancy* and impatience. In such state, the mind is no longer relaxed because expectancy is a state of unrest. This form of tension is what hinders the outcome—thus, the key to being relaxed (i.e., essentially lacking mental tension) is to forget about the goal entirely. If you don’t have the goal in mind you don’t enter a state of expectancy, and therefore you are free from mental tension. *expectancy is the same energy as trying to make something happen.. reinforcing the idea/belief that it isn't so

So, exempt yourself from responsibility means there's nothing more to do because ego is not in control and can do nothing.

[blitzwhore]

I just saw Blitzø get called Stolas stockholm victim I can't with this fandom anymore😭

😂 As outrageously incorrect and stupid as that take is, I'm going to go on a tangent here. I hope you don't mind.

I think every fandom has annoying people with awfully terrible takes in it. People with zero media literacy. People who hatewatch. People who think they're entitled to the exact show they would've wanted, which has nothing to do with the actual, existing show.

This is especially true for queer media, and especially true for queer cartoons. (Hi, yes. I was active in the Adventure Time, Steven Universe, Voltron, and She-Ra fandoms when those shows were airing, respectively. I've seen some stuff). Some people just can't handle queer cartoons, period. If the queer characters/ships are soft and wholesome, they're infantilising and boring, and if they're complex and nuanced and actually have conflict, they're abusive and problematic. You'll hear the same recycled arguments over and over again. Like, the shit some people are saying about Blitz and Stolas after The Full Moon? Is literally almost word-for-word what they said about Catra and Adora post-season 3 of She-Ra (and even at the end of the show).

Here's the thing, though! Those people and their bad takes are not what I want to think about what I think about a fandom. Those aren't the people I want to call the fans. They don't deserve that title. Not when so many other people are out there dedicating their time to making gifs and art and meta posts, and writing fic, and commenting/reblogging to show support, and sliding into people's DMs to scream and squee together about a thing they love.

At the end of the day, "fandom" is just a lot of people each doing their own thing. Which people you engage with and allow to stay within your line of sight will determine your fandom experience. Fandom can be a huge, convoluted, online space full of people who are constantly arguing with one another and whose takes make you unfathomably angry... Or it can be you and your 5 friends and mutuals who scream gleefully at one another in 2-note posts. You can't control what others post online, but you can control your engagement with it.

How? Well, here's what I personally do to avoid getting upset by people's stupid opinions online:

Filter 'critical' and 'anti' tags (eg. #anti stolitz #anti vivziepop #Helluva Boss critical #HB critical #vivziepop critical). Many people actually do tag their critical posts because they know it's the respectful thing to do!

If I come across a post that has one or more of those tags, obviously, I don't click through to see it under any circumstances.

If I stumble across a stranger's untagged post with hate/criticism that upsets me: I stop reading and BLOCK. Immediately. I don't look back. I don't finish reading. I don't engage. I just block block block. I <3 the block button, seriously.

If I feel my mind reeling from a bad take I just came across: I take a step back, close my phone, breathe, remember life is beautiful sometimes. Go back and watch an episode I really like. Clean my living space a little. Vent about it to a friend (but only if I really need to, because if not, I'd rather not dwell on it).

If I'm starting to feel the need to reply to someone's bad take (directly or via my own post), I instead make the decision to channel that energy into making fandom posts out of love. (I don't do this just with fandom. If I see something transphobic online, I usually react by reblogging a bunch of trans art or trans positivity posts on my main, for example). I like to think of it as putting some positivity out into the world to compensate for the negativity I just saw. So, for example, if I see someone shitting on my blorbo, I may make a silly post just saying how much I love blorbo. Or I'll make (or draft) a post about how interesting I find some of blorbo's actions. Or reblog another person's positive/interesting post about blorbo.

And finally, I stay the hell away from Twitter. Or at least, if I go on Twitter, I try my best to avoid any tweet that has text in it instead of just art. Even the people who have good opinions spend too much time arguing with the people who have bad opinions on there. I don't want to see people's bad takes! No, not even while reading founded and perfectly articulated criticism of those bad takes! So I just limit my time on Twitter. And again, if someone is putting bad takes on my TL (even if it is to counter them), I unfollow and block as needed.

All this to say, yes, it really fucking sucks to read the opinions of people who don't understand and who hate the characters and ships and worlds you love. Gosh it's the worst. But you can curate your fandom experience. You can focus on the things you can control. You have the power to decide if your fandom experience is draining or fun!

And because I don't know how to finish this, here, have a Stolitz kiss to heal you:

We will keep winning and there's nothing the haters can do about it. 😌

[tavolgisvist]

Michael Lindsay-Hogg

about Let It Be and our lads

I showed the final cut to them and we all had dinner afterwards. Then we went down to a discotheque underneath the restaurant. Ringo was jiving 'til two in the morning, Paul said he liked the movie…It was all a very good experience until they broke up, which was only two months after they'd seen the picture ready to go.

And then, of course, there was so much going on to do with the breakup. First it was legal issues, but then legal issues became personal issues. By that point, Let It Be was kind of a little character in the corner saying, "Oh, remember me? Remember me?" They were not interested in it anymore, which they had been up until that point. There was just so much going on. … I didn't want the Beatles to lose their momentum. So when Paul came to me after the concert idea was off and said, “Should we stop filming?” And I said, “Well, no.” I thought, “Well, here's a chance to maybe do the documentary of the Beatles, which nobody has done before." Nobody had ever filmed them rehearsing. I didn't want to lose the chance, or risk the chance of their attention span going on to something else. So I was glad we stayed with them. … The Beatles were psychologically so interesting, having been together for such a long time. When they stopped touring in 1966, I think that had a very big effect on them because the other big bands kept touring. It makes bands more cohesive because they're stuck with each other. They're in a hotel room in Minneapolis and they can't leave the hotel because the crowd outside won't let them. So what are they going to do? They go down to the coffee shop, go get some breakfast and go back to their room. Nowadays they probably play video games, but back then they’d write a song. That's partly what changed for the Beatles, because they stopped touring and then they stopped living so closely and intimately with each other as they had in Liverpool, or performing in the Red Light District in Hamburg. Back then they were in the same hotel room, And then they stopped and they had to start to think, “What is my life?” I was always kind of aware in Let It Be that that's the point I got them at. I'd worked with them in ‘66, but by the time we were doing ‘69 they were asking the question that often people do ask: “What is my life and where am I? “ Even though they were so successful and so talented — they kind of had taken over the world — it still was the same questions: “Who am I, where am I, what am I doing?” … To get them on the roof was hard enough with the eleven cameras and the [camera crew] in the road and the two way mirror [with a camera] in the foyer [to film the police arrival]. But they got up there. And it was not a slam dunk even five minutes before we were supposed to be on the roof. There was still a sense of, “Well, do we want to do this…” I expected them to play the songs, but I didn't expect them to have so much joy in doing the songs. When I saw it the other night again, it's just so sweet. The way they look at each other, the way John looks over at Paul, and Paul and John. You know, they went to school together. They started writing songs when they were 16. And George embraced his part as the lead guitar player. You look at them and you go, “That's good, isn't it?” And that's the thing which is so miraculous about the picture: I didn't do it, they did it. The connection between them is so potent at the end that it almost breaks your heart to see…

(Michael Lindsay-Hogg, May 2024, interview with Jordan Runtagh for People)

Q: There’s the infamous “argument,” between Paul and George, which now looks really tame. А: Well, that’s very interesting you say that, because whenever they saw it, they never mentioned the argument. They never said, ‘Boy, what are people going to think?” Once we turned it into a documentary, Paul said, “If you find there are things that we say to each other that show, ‘This is who we are now, it’s not the way it was a few years ago,’ let’s put them in.’ So that went in. But that’s really what you could look at as an artistic discussion between musicians. It’s the same in the theater, the same kind of things the actors say when they talk about a scene. “Are you really going to say the line that way? You can’t say it like that.’ ‘But if you say it like this, I can’t have my reply the way I want to do it.” And so that’s exactly like that. So for them it was business as usual. Q: Why did it look so shocking to people? А: It was shocking because they still thought of the Beatles as the mop-tops. People still saw them as the Ed Sullivan Beatles, the way they were when they started. People thought they were so cute and adorable. Well, they weren’t cute and adorable. They were four tough kids from Liverpool who’d learned their craft playing in hotel-cum-brothels in Hamburg. I mean, they were tough. They grew up in Liverpool, which was a tough city. It’s like growing up in Detroit or somewhere. Somewhere, that toughness always comes out. But when people went to see Let It Be, the Beatles had just broken up, and so people were watching the movie trying to discover the reasons why they’d broken up, looking for things that weren’t there, because it was such a big issue for a lot of people. Especially in America, because the Beatles represented so much here: President Kennedy in November ’63, all that grief, then the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, February ’64, and all the grief is overcome by joy. Everyone in America thought they were so cute, wearing badges that said “I love Paul” or “I love Ringo.” This is when they were 22, 23, 24 years old. But then they did change. That’s what you see in Let It Be—the boys we have known are becoming men. People hadn’t seen the men yet. They didn’t know the men. And that’s what I think Let It Be does show.

(Michael Lindsay-Hogg, May 2024, interview with Rob Sheffield for Rolling Stones)

"Because the Beatles had been portrayed as the moptops, that they were just f***ing adorable. In real life, they were tough. This just goes back to where they came from. Liverpool is a tough town. I wouldn't particularly want to run into Paul McCartney in a dark alley, if he didn't like me."

(Michael Lindsay-Hogg, May 2024, interview with Brian Hiatt for Rolling Stones)

As the TV concert had been cancelled, Michael felt he needed a new ending. ‘So I said, “Why don’t we do a concert on the roof?” Since then everyone has claimed credit for it*, including the ladies who cooked lunch!’ Before the event, he installed a two-way mirror in the lobby downstairs. ‘I did it in case the police showed up. I knew some people would complain about the noise and as an American who didn’t really have a work permit, I was afraid of being deported,’ he admits. As it turned out, he had bigger problems. In the anteroom underneath the roof, Paul was raring to go. ‘Ringo said, “It’s really cold up there” [he ended up wearing his wife Maureen’s coat while drumming] and George said, “What’s the point?” John hadn’t said anything yet and there was a pause where the whole thing was in the balance,’ says Michael. ‘Finally, John said, “F*** it, let’s do it” and they all walked up the ladder, onto the roof and into history.’

(Michael Lindsay-Hogg, June 2020, Lina Das for The Weekend Magazine)

Q: You’ve said the rough cut had more of John and Yoko but that the other three members “didn’t want to have a lot of the dirty laundry” in there… A: I would not now call it ‘dirty laundry’. I would say that The Beatles didn’t want distraction. <…> Q: There’s one scene where Paul and George are arguing about what George is going to play… A: They never asked for that to be taken out of the movie… I think that, for them, that was a normal exchange between two musical artists who are thinking what’s best for the song. <…> Q: Who do you think was most invested in keeping the band together? A: Paul had the idea that they should maybe do a concert and the others more or less agreed. I mean, he’s a very strong personality. He’s incredibly smart… And I could completely see how that would focus them all. It seemed like a really good idea. So I would say Paul was the one who wanted that and it made a lot of sense. So that’s my answer to that question. Q: When George quit and then came back, he suggested moving to The Beatles’ Apple HQ to finish the album… A: Yes, he said, ‘let’s not worry about performing [the planned concert] and let’s just get out of Twickenham.’

(Michael Lindsay-Hogg, May 2024, interview with Alex Flood for NME)

“There are moments of great sweetness,” he said. “No matter where you put the camera, no matter how you edited it, they loved each other. Anybody who sees ‘Let It Be’ again will find that.” … The film was a victim of bad timing, in his view. By the time of its May 1970 premiere, the Beatles had broken up. Traumatized fans saw it as “a breakup movie: ‘Mom and Dad are getting divorced!’” he said. … He has preserved much of what he went through with the Beatles in diaries, which he has kept since the “Ready Steady Go!” years. … He thumbed through the pages and landed on January 30, the blustery day in London when the Beatles played in public for the last time. As captured by Mr. Lindsay-Hogg and his team, their swan-song performance was the climax of both “Let It Be” and “Get Back.” The diary page was blank, except for one word scribbled in black ballpoint pen. Roof. “The busier you are,” Mr. Lindsay-Hogg said, “the less you write down.”

(Michael Lindsay-Hogg, July 2022, interview with Alex Williams for The New York Times)

*Jan 7th

gif by @sgt-paul

Also Jan 7th Paul's 'colossal' idea about ideal end of their show

@crepesuzette2023, your tag 'Michael Lindsay Hogg would not like to run into him in a dark alley when he was in a bad mood!' reminds me I forgot to publish this :)

[d-targaryenshoe]

Rather Or Rather Not - Luke Thompson

Word count: 868

Summary: Would you rather answer questions by yourself or to be joined by your lover and a friend?

The grand ballroom on the Bridgerton set was abuzz with excitement as a game hosted by Netflix began. 

You, Nicola Coughlan, and Luke Thompson, three of the most talented and beloved actors in the Bridgerton series, gathered around a lavish table adorned with candelabras and sparkling chandeliers. 

The theme of the game was Would you rather, inspired by your beloved show, Bridgerton. 

The air was thick with anticipation as you waited for the first question to be revealed.

"It's time to play!" cheered Nicola Coughlan, who portrayed Penelope Featherington, as she flitted about the room, handing out cards to each of the players.

 "Remember, you must answer the question truthfully, and may the best actor win!" With a dramatic flourish, she flipped over the first card, revealing the first question: "Would you rather... binge-watch the entire series in one sitting, or have to wait an entire year for the next season to premiere?"

You all glanced at each other, knowing full well that this was a question you had been contemplating for months.

 You, who portrayed the vivacious y/c/n, grinned widely and said, "Oh, I could never wait a whole year! I'd much rather binge it all in one go." 

Nicola Coughlan, who brought the iconic Penelope Featherington to life, nodded in agreement.

 "I completely understand," she said with a sigh. "It's torture not knowing what happens next."

Luke Thompson, your boyfriend and the man who played the dashing and mysterious Lord Benedict Bridgerton, chuckled and said, "Well, it seems you two have already made up your minds. In that case, I'll have to go with the opposite choice. I'd much rather take my time and savor each episode as they air." 

You and Nicola laughed, impressed by his restraint.

The next question was revealed: by you.

 "Would you rather... have your character end up with your on-screen love interest, or have them find true love with someone else?" you bit your lip, considering the possibilities. 

"Oh, that's a tough one... I think I'd want my character to end up with their true love. Even if it means someone else gets the happy ending, you know?" 

Nicola Coughlan nodded in agreement.

 "Agreed," she said. "As much as I love my character with Colin, I think it would be more satisfying to see her find happiness with someone who truly deserves it if the story would be different."

The tension in the room was palpable as the final question was revealed by your boyfriend. 

"Would you rather... have your character's life play out exactly as it does in the books, or have the opportunity to rewrite their fate and give them a different ending?" Luke furrowed his brow, deep in thought.

 "That's a hard one... I think I'd like to see my character have the chance to write their own ending. Even if it means straying from the source material, it's important for them to have agency and make their own choices."

Nicola Coughlan glanced over at you, who was still lost in thought. "What about you, y/n? What would you choose?" 

You looked up, a determined expression on your face. "You know, I think I'd rather rewrite their fate. Because even if their life isn't perfect, they can still find happiness in the end. And who's to say what's meant to be, anyway?" 

The other actors nodded in agreement, feeling the weight of the question settle over them.

The final question hung in the air, unanswered, but for now, it could wait. There would be plenty of time for more questions, more laughter, and more memories to be made.

 Because in the end, that was what being a part of the Bridgerton family was truly about: finding joy in the journey, no matter where it led.

The question was revealed: "Would you rather... spend the rest of your life in the world of Bridgerton, or step outside of it and explore new roles and experiences?" 

Nicola's eyes widened, and she glanced around the table at her fellow actors. 

"That's quite the quandary," she mused. "But I think I would have to say that I would rather stay in Bridgerton. Not only because I love it here, but because I believe that we are one family and that there is so much out there waiting to be told."

You nodded in agreement. "I feel the same way, definitely. This role has given me so much, and I think there are so much possibilities in this project. I can't wait to see what it still holds." 

Luke, ever the optimist, added, "I'd have to say the same. And I know that whatever comes next, we'll always have Bridgerton and each other." 

You all raised your glasses in a toast, the clinking of crystal against porcelain filling the empty ballroom with a joyous noise.

And so the game went on, the questions flying fast and furious, as you all shared your thoughts, your dreams, and your fears. 

You discussed your favorite moments from the series, your hopes for the future, and the lessons you learned along the way.

You laughed and you cried, you debated and you agreed, and through it all, you all felt a bond that went deeper than any script could ever convey.

[scarletttries]

Adrian Chase/ Vigilante Fluff Alphabet (Peacemaker)

Pairing: Adrian Chase/ Vigilante (Peacemaker) x GN!Reader

Rating: Pure Fluff

Word Count: 4.3k

Author's Note: Back to the boy that made me start writing again after years of stopping! 😍 I've been struggling to write while i've been busy with a new job and a bit of a cold, so I thought I'd go back to my best boy Vigilante for another alphabet post and just like that my heart was racing for him again 💕Enjoy and let me know if you have any Vigilante HCs requests 🥳

a -affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

The moment Adrian gets the green light to show affection to you, that's all he can think of. He is such a physical person, always finding a reason to place a hand on your back or waist in public, and pulling you into his arms and threatening to never let you go after you have to spend mere moments apart. Behind closed doors, Adrian is constantly showering your face and hands with kisses, and there's no way he can sleep without a long slow good night kiss. He's also all about the sickly sweet nicknames and praising you for everything you do for him, just so endlessly grateful that he gets to call you his.

b - beauty (what do they admire about their s/o? what do you think is beautiful about them?)

It sounds like a cliche, but honestly he thinks you have the most beautiful eyes. He's never been a big fan of eye contact, finding it challenging to maintain, and when he manages usually people are looking at him with such an unkind mix of pity, disgust and contempt that he'd rather they weren't looking at him at all. But when he locks eyes with you and sees kindness, and interest, and not a single ounce of judgement, he knows that he never wants to look away from your perfect face, not for a second. And when he gets to see your eyes crease in the corners when he makes you smile and laugh with his ridiculous behaviour, well he thinks you are somehow even more beautiful.

There's a lot to consider beautiful about Adrian, his muscles, his adorable hair, his little nerdy smile when you start to pay attention to him, honestly there's nothing about him you'd ever want to change.

c- cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

Adrian likes to cuddle so much he wonders how he survived before you came into his life! The first time the two of you watch a movie together and you throw a blanket over you both, laying your legs over his lap and nuzzling against his chest, you could practically hear his heart hammering away in excitement, so happy to be there with you and so scared he would do something to ruin such a happy moment. Now that he's more comfortable about your relationship he's definitely the one to instigate, collapsing into bed with his arms wide open and whimpering until you land on his chest, his whole body encircling yours as he kisses the top of you and tells you're stuck there now.

d - dates (what are dates with them like? do they plan them out or are they spontaneous?)

Adrian is definitely more of the spontaneous type who'll turn up at your door unannounced with a bouquet of flowers or a crate of beer, and ask if you'll please go out with him tonight, and offer that's hard to refuse when he gives you those big pleading puppy dog eyes. Dates are a lot of fun, usually doing something a bit more silly and childish than the typical dinner and a movie. He'll take you to an arcade, or a bar with a mechanical bull and try and show off his skills for you, but sometimes the best dates are just nights at home with wine and takeout, where you realise that it's suddenly 3am and you've ended up in a blanket fort on the floor and decide to just spend the night there - you two would be happy just about anywhere as long as you're together.

e - ending (if they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

In the past Adrian hasn't exactly had a lot of dating experience, but if someone showed an interest in him and he didn't feel the same way, he'd be very blunt about it - not necessarily as sensitive as he should be, but making sure there is absolutely no room for misunderstanding.

f - fiancee (how do they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

Deep down (like way deep down before he meets you) Adrian is a real hopeless romantic. You've seen how much friendship means to him, and he knows being married is like having the closest of best friends, to love you forever, and who wants to be your friend for the rest of your life. He can't imagine anything more special than that, but he's also never had someone he felt like he could picture that kind of relationship with. Then of course you come into his life and fill it with kindness and laughter and warmth and suddenly he struggles to keep the l-word from falling of his lips every time you hold his hand, and he starts keeping a ring in his pocket for the moment he's at least 50% sure you might say yes.

g - gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Despite a violent streak and almost superhuman strength, Adrian would be so incredibly soft and gentle when it comes to you. He knows what it's like to have you feelings hurt again and again and he never wants to make you feel as awful as he does when he speaks to someone other than you. He'd make sure he never delivered his snark in your direction, and is quick to tell you how smart your ideas are, supporting you in whatever you want to do. Physically he'd try and be conscious of his strength too, holding your hand very softly, and giving only the nicest, gentlest touches to your face when the two of you kiss. Sometimes he'll get a little too excited though and lift you into the air, throwing you against a bed or pulling you into a hug that threatens to take your breath away.

h - hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do if? what are their hugs like?)

Adrian loves when you hug him so so much. The first time he feels you wrap your arms over his shoulders and pull him against your chest, a lump forms in his throat and he's not sure why, everything feeling so overwhelming as you tell him you're glad he came back from a mission safely. He'd think of nothing else for days, considering putting himself in increasingly dangerous situations just so you might have a reason to hug him. In the end he decides to just walk into your arms the next time he sees you, and surely enough you respond by giving him a firm squeeze and stroking his head as it rests on your shoulder. He'll always be asking for hugs now that you two are item, pulling you into his arms if he thinks it's been too long since you last gave him his fix.

i - injury (how would they act if they got hurt?)

At first when Adrian gets hurt around you, he plays it off as if he barely notices it, wanting to seem cool and tough and making sure you don't feel too worried about him. Even when he's bragging about how quickly he'll be healed up and back to normal, you still insist on cleaning up his cuts, and as you gently lift his chin with your finger and take such precious care delicately cleaning any wounds that haven't healed themselves yet, he'll kick himself for not letting you do this more often, being the focus of your attention, his favourite place to be. He'll quickly start acting like more and more of a baby when he gets hurt, insisting that you and only you patch him up, working up the nerve to ask you to kiss that little cut on his lip better.

When you get hurt, holy shit does this boy panic. He doesn't know how serious any pain is in someone who doesn't heal like him, so he constantly offers to drive you to the hospital, not calming down until you give him a little task to do instead so he can feel helpful.

j - jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they're jealous?)

Despite being such an objectively incredibly gifted person physically, Adrian has had a tough time making people like him in his life, which leaves him feeling pretty insecure about himself. So when he sees someone he thinks is a lot more 'normal' than him talking to you, he can't help but feel distraught that they can offer you a better life than he ever could. He thinks he is the luckiest person in the world for having landed someone as perfect as you, so it makes sense that his luck would run out at some point, forcing himself to at least slink over and find out a bit more about the person that's come to take you away from him. When you feel him approach, looking a bit sorry for himself, you make sure to tug his arm around your waist and introduce him as your boyfriend with the proudest smile you can, watching as his eyes brighten at the sound of your voice and a matching smile grows on his cheeks as he plants a huge kiss on yours.

Thankfully Adrian is probably too oblivious for anyone else to flirt with him, so you'll only experience jealousy when he talks devotedly about Peacemaker.

k- kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to be kissed?)

Oh my god, the first time you kiss Adrian, the vigilante has never been more caught off guard in his life. It doesn't matter how much flirting you've done, how many times your loving gaze has flicked between his eyes and his lips, the moment you press a soft, sweet peck to his little pouting lips, his brain is completely shutting down. Even the slightest kiss is so special to him that he thinks it's more likely you did it by accident than you actually want him to kiss you too. It will take you explicitly explaining that you have feelings for him and that you want to kiss him before he feels able to kiss you too, and by then he's smiling so widely he needs ten minutes to calm down before he even can.

Once you pass the newfound territory of little pecks whenever he sees you, moving to more intimate, open-mouthed, fingertips trailing through hair, full-bodied kissing behind closed doors, Adrian is like a man possessed. His usually very active mouth is finally quiet long enough to capture yours, pulling you into his lap where he can feel your full weight lean against him, a hungry marathon of sloppy kisses capturing your lips, moaning against you in overwhelming excitement. You can try and move your lips to his neck and mark him as your own, but as much as he loves the feelings of you bruising his skin, he finds himself whimpering until he can taste your sweet kiss again.

l - love language (what is their love language?)

Adrian likes to show and receive love through touch, the way he constantly keeps a hand on you as a reminder he's nearby and watching your back is his way of showing love all day. And when you lean in for a kiss and place your hand on his thigh, his heart feels like it's being wrapped in a soft woolen blanket, letting him know how much you truly care for him.

He loves to do little acts of service for you as well, like tidying things up around you if you've cooked him dinner, or picking something up on his way over to you because you mentioned being low of it last time he visited - he feels so at home with you, that he wants you to feel like your home is better for him being a part of it.

As well as the undeniable thrill he gets from the way you touch him, he's also a real sucker for words of affirmation. He's rarely been on the receiving end of kind words, and the important people in his life often seem embarrassed to acknowledge him and admit to knowing him, so when you unashamedly say you love him in front of the whole team, or call him your boyfriend when you pick him up from his day job, or tell him that something he's done is good and helpful, he feels over the moon and loved to his core.

m - mornings (how are mornings spent with them?)

Adrian feels like the kind of guy who is constantly a ball of pure energy. He wakes up fully alert and stacked to the brim with enthusiasm when he opens his eyes and has woken up next to his favourite person in the whole world. He wants so desperately to be considerate and let you rest, but he can't stop himself from practically vibrating with glee at the mere sight of you. He'll leave it as long as he can take it before he gently traces a finger over your skin, his heart fluttering from the tiny bit of contact before finally your eyes flutter open to the biggest smile you've ever seen. Once you're awake be prepared to get tackled into a huge hug, his mouth suddenly racing at a thousand words a minute telling you how much he missed you while he was asleep and how pretty you are in the morning and how even your snoring is cute. He could happily stay in bed with you forever, so you'll have to be the one to drag him out of bed and into the kitchen for breakfast, where he'll continue clinging to you for dear life.

n - nights (how are nights spent with them?)

Adrian's always been a night owl, given so much of his patrols and missions take place at night. He much prefers the nights he spends with you though, trying to find a few hours of peace in an otherwise chaotic life. He likes that it's time that the two of you usually get to spend alone together, curled up in each other's arms with no plans you don't want and nowhere else you need to be except together. When you two crawl into bed, he loves to lay in the dark and just look at your features in the dimmest of moonlight, telling you his silliest thoughts, and some of the deep ones he feels too vulnerable to say with the lights on, never letting you fall asleep without a reminder of how much you mean to him and how much happier his life is with you in it.

o - open (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Adrian has absolutely no filter when it comes to talking about his life, telling you everything you want to know, and a bunch of stuff you didn't even ask long before the two of you have even been on a date. In his mind, you're one of the first people that's ever seemed genuinely interested in him, and he wants to make the most of that before he inevitably reveals something about himself that will scare you off like he does with everyone else. The one thing he'd struggle to come out and tell you initially is just how much you mean to him. The feelings are so new and scary that he's sure there's no way you could feel the same, so you would have to be the one to put yourself out there and let him know he's bewitched your whole heart.

p - patience (how patient are they usually? what tends to wear their patience thin?)

Thanks to all his training, patrolling, staking out locations, and worst of all having to work in a restaurant, Vigilante is surprisingly patient. He's more than happy to wait forever if it makes things less stressful for you, and he'd give up every second of his time to help you do something, he really is just that devoted. He only starts to get impatient when the two of you are apart, and it feels like his soul is aching to get back to your arms.

q - quality time (how do they like to spend with you?)

At first Adrian feels a lot of pressure to always be having the exciting kind of fun with you, suggesting lots of different date ideas and never wanting you to have a dull moment around him. It would take a bit of work for you to have him get used to just spending a night in with you, cuddled up together and doing very little, finally getting the idea in his head that you could never get bored of him. He still prefers to go out for dates with you most of the time, loving sitting at a bar or diner with someone who only wants to be with him, but that doesn't mean he doesn't adore the days the two of you spend every hour just talking in bed about nothing.

r - remember (what is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

Because of the need to protect his identity, most of Adrian's interactions (even some of the most intimate ones) have been from behind his helmet, leaving him feeling a lot less confident in his face than he is in the rest of his body. Given you met him as Vigilante first, he was worried that you were disappointed the first time you saw the face under his mask, unable to read your expression by the time he put his glasses back on. He'd be very happy that your feelings for him grew despite that, but there would always be a voice in the back of his head that thought you liked him better with his helmet on.

So the first time the two of you were locked in your usual prolonged make out sessions and you hinted at going further than kissing, he immediately made the offer before you could ask for it;

"Do you want me to put my helmet back on?" The question would stop you dead in your tracks, trying to read his almost apologetic expression as you replied.

"That would make it pretty difficult to kiss you." You watched his eyes drift down to your lap as he struggled to make his case.

"But it means you only have to look at the best parts of me." His muscles seem to flex beneath you as if to assume that's what you want from him, the parts of him he can't work out feeling like a short-coming.

"I think every part of you is the best Adrian." His eyes snap up at your words, searching your gaze for deception or mocking and finding nothing but sweetness. "And I love your face." You trace a finger over his features as if considering each one and coming to only the happiest conclusion, "I like your eyes, and your glasses, and your nose, and your smile, and you're a good kisser, so overall your face is pretty damn important to me." With each soft touch he feels years of insecurity melt away, any self doubt dissolving under your loving gaze until he can't stand to not be kissing you a second longer, lifting you into his arms as he does and carrying towards the bedroom as quickly as his legs can manage after you've all but turned them to jelly.

s - security (how protective are they? how would they protect you? how would they like to be protected?)

Adrian knows just how dangerous the world can be (although a big chunk of that danger comes from him personally) so he would feel incredibly protective of you from the first time you met. He likes being able to use his strength and skills to keep you safe, and make you feel like you're secure as long as he's around you, wanting to give you every reason to keep him close. He'd insist on escorting you everywhere he could, keeping an arm around you once he feels able to touch you that way. He feels especially lucky when you let him sleep over and he can watch over you while you sleep, making sure you have only the sweetest dreams.

It may not feel like you can do too much to protect a man like Vigilante, but everything you do makes him feel like nothing in the world can get to him. Your loving words and supportive encouragement protect him from the cruel teasing of others, and he knows that his sensitve heart is safe now that it belongs to you.

t - try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Adrian's waited a long time to have someone finally feel the way you do about him, and he would want to go out of his way every single day to show you how much he appreciates it. His efforts might sometimes come from a strange direction or be a bit misguided, but you will never feel like he takes you for granted, and he'll never be the kind to let an occasion pass without marking it. He'd love putting in effort every day with you, because the domestic life the two of you build together would make him so happy that doing the smallest jobs in your little home would feel like such an honour.

u - upset (how do they act when you're upset? how do they act when they're upset?)

Vigilante doesn't get upset very often, so when he does it's very easy to notice. The big warning sign is that he'll get very quiet, a real contrast to his usual monologue of adoration. He doesn't usually tell you what's wrong until you ask, worried about burdening you with something silly, but when you pull his head against your chest and rub his back softly, all his feelings will come pouring out, suddenly feeling so much lighter when he has your reassurance.

When you're upset Adrian is very quick to assume he's done something wrong, so he would be very quick to try and make up for it. It would be hard to stay sad about anything as he runs around desperately parading gifts in front of you and telling all his worst jokes until eventually you reassure him that you still love him and that it's something else bothering you, at which point he would collapse and cuddle you and make sure you had all your favourite things for as long as you need. (although the jokes don't stop)

v - vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

Adrian's owned the same four outfits for his entire adulthood and never really thinks about the way he looks out of his vigilante costume. He works out a lot and feels pretty good about that, but when you gently push his glasses up the bridge of his nose first thing in the morning, leaving a kiss of the bridge of it and beaming up at him, he'd start to feel pretty good about his looks too.

w - wildcard (a random headcanon for them.)

One of Adrian's favourite things in the world is when you come and pick him up from his day job at Fennel Fields. Sometimes he feels like his colleagues think he's a weird loser and he can't tell them anything else about himself for fear of giving his identity today (since he's kind of terrible at lying) so he can start to feel quite down about himself when he has his shifts there. Luckily all it takes is a split second glimpse of you as he's clearing his final tables for the day, and suddenly he feels like the biggest hero in the galaxy, racing to get finished so he can practically sprint out the door and into your arms. Sure it doesn't hurt if his colleagues see that he has an incredible partner who cares enough about him to come meet him after work, but what they think stops mattering to him the second he's basking in the light of your presence.

x - x-ray (how easily are they able to read you?)

He's reasonably oblivious when it comes to reading just about anyone, and unfortunately that can apply to you too. You have to be pretty careful about telling him when you're being sarcastic or when he's done something you don't like, but luckily he's very quick to ask questions and check in with how you are, so the two of you would quickly find the best way to communicate.

y - yuck (what things do you do that they hate?)

Sometimes Adrian worries about the way you see the best in people, his black and white view of the world telling him that most people can't be trusted. That and when you break even the tiniest law (jaw-walking, speeding slightly, parked on double yellows for five seconds to pick him up) and he'd have to face his own hypocrisy because he knows he could never punish you.

z - zzz (what is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Adrian wakes up a lot in the night because of how alert he is all the time. He tries to be careful about waking you, but sometimes when he gets up in his head worrying that something will happen to you and he can't get back to sleep, he'll shake you gently by the shoulder until you turn around and let him burrow under the blankets to lie against your chest, suddenly feel so much more at rest when your arms are wrapped around him, sleepily stroking over his back.

[yakichoufd]

The show scott is also my favourite so what comics would you recommend that fit that archetype?

I will recommend the comics I really enjoyed and I think they still fit his archetype (warning: I barely read comics were Scott is an adult haha! So it is mostly about teen Scott or young adult Scott): Classic x-men #41-#42 in these two issues he doesn't have his power yet but you can already he has a strong sense of justice. He is also a sweet bean there who deserves a lot of hugs (which he kind of get...i guess...but at what cost Y-Y) Marvel snapshot X-men a really interesting take on how he get his powers and how he tries to fit in the world (which is already hard when you are a normal teenager) X-Men: Children of the Atom a 6 issues story where you see how the original 5 joined the team. He is not a leader yet but he takes few directive that are interesting and he can make some good speech if needed (but these comics are more interesting about how he lived with Jack Winter and how he got saved from him) Cyclops (2014) a serie of young Cyclops living his best life with his space pirate dad. He is very much a sweetheart and has quite some clever moments when he needs to save his dear papa. Cyclops (2010) it is an oneshot crack story but Scott is well portrayed even if it is to make jokes. It is a fun solo comic! The adventures of Cyclops and Phoenix a 4 issues story with little Nathan. It is quite intense to read, and if you do not know who Nathan and Rachel is, or who Apocalypse is, it can be super confusing (and even with some understanding, there are some parts I could not completely follow) but Scott can be a papa and it is very sweet. X-men first class Road trips it is more focus on the original 5 and I did not enjoy everything about that serie, I didn't really enjoy the art style (but I think many will find it pretty) or the writing , but there is one scene I enjoyed dearly! It is when they are all powerless and Scott still shows his quick way of thinking and how he can save the day without powers. But I find most of the writing very clumsy. Champions (2016 + #5 from 2019) teen Scott joins the Champions and finally experience some fun times. His friendship with Miss Marvel is cute. And that's about it for now! I might add more to that list after I finished reading more comics (I've quite a big pile waiting to be read haha)! Hopefully you'll enjoy some of my recommendation! And if anyone wants to share theirs, I'd love to read about it!

[ineffable-endearments]

The Crow Road by Iain Banks

I finished The Crow Road and had a little time to think about it. I'll put my thoughts under a Keep Reading in case anyone is trying to avoid spoilers.

As I speculated before, I think it's likely that The Crow Road is more related to Good Omens in philosophy than in plot. I mean, it's not that the plots necessarily have nothing in common, and we could be very surprised in the end of course, but now that I've read the whole book, its philosophical commonalities with GO are both apparent and kind of inspiring. Also, if I were a writer, I'd be more interested in dropping hints about what themes are important than telegraphing my whole plot ahead of time.

So here, I will describe the book and point out themes that I believe may reappear in Good Omens 3.

This is a long post. If you read it, make a cup of [beverage of choice].

Update on 4/20/2024: I made a second post: The Crow Road and Good Omens: Further-Out Thoughts

Below are mentions of suicide, death/murder, and sexual acts.

The Crow Road centers around a character named Prentice McHoan, a university student in Scotland who starts to sort out his complicated relationship with his complicated family as he explores the mystery of his uncle Rory's disappearance. Although the book is mostly from Prentice's perspective, the narration jumps around in time with the McHoan family. There are quite a lot of important characters to keep track of; the bare-bones summary I put below doesn't even include some of the important ones. I wanted to make the summary even shorter and simpler than this, but the truth is that this book is not short or simple, and if I made the summary any simpler, it might be downright misleading.

There are at least three major cultural aspects of The Crow Road that I am inexperienced with: the overall culture in the 1950s-1980s (I was born in 1988, so of course wasn't here for the relevant decades), the international experience of the Gulf War (again, born in 1988), and the history and culture of Scotland itself (I'm USAmerican with only reading as a source). As a result, I'm sure there are important dimensions to the book that I've missed. If someone has a different perspective taking some of these things into account, I'd love to know about it.

Also, keep in mind, there is a great deal of descriptive writing in this book. There are a lot of pages about the geography of Scotland, and about Prentice as a kid, and about Prentice's father and uncles hanging out together in their youth, and about various family incidents, and about Prentice spending time with his brothers and friends. At first, these passages seem to just make things more confusing, and in my head, I accused them of being "filler." But they definitely serve a purpose. They're a way of showing and not telling the characters' attitudes and relationships to each other. More importantly, because we get to actually live these experiences with the characters, they are what give all the plot points below their deeper emotional impacts. In other words, the everyday experiences give the plot its deeper meaning. They resonate with one of the core themes in the novel: that our experiences in life, rather than any supposed existence after death, are what matters.

The Crow Road's story is like this:

Prentice is rather directionless in life, and he seems to have trouble investing any energy in his own future as he moons over his unrequited feelings for an idealized young woman named Verity. Soon, Verity ends up in a romance with Prentice's brother, Lewis, and Prentice feels that Lewis "stole" her from him. Prentice has also become estranged from his father, Kenneth, over spirituality. Prentice believes there has to be something more after death because he feels it would be incredibly unfair if people didn't get anything other than this one life; Kenneth is not only a passionate atheist, but is offended by the notion of an afterlife.

Prentice's uncle Hamish, Kenneth's brother, has always been religious, although his religion involves a number of bizarre and offbeat ideas of his own, with inspiration from more traditional Christian notions. Prentice is not really sure about this ideology, but he's willing to talk to Hamish about it and even participates during Hamish's prayers, whereas Kenneth is openly scornful of Hamish's beliefs. Hamish interprets this as Prentice being on "his side."

Prentice has a few opportunities to go back and talk to his father, and is begged to do so by his mom, Mary, with whom his relationship is still good. Mary doesn't want either of the men to give up their inner ideas about the universe; she just wants them to agree to disagree and move on as a family. Prentice says he will visit, but he just keeps putting it off and off and off.

Prentice acquires a folder containing some of his missing uncle Rory's notes in the process of hooking up with Rory's former girlfriend, Janice Rae, who seems to have taken a shine to Prentice because he reminds her of Rory. Using the contents of the folder, Prentice wants to piece together the great literary work that Rory left unfinished, which Rory titled Crow Road; however, it becomes apparent that Rory didn't turn his concepts into anything substantial and only had a bunch of disconnected notes and ideas. He hadn't even decided whether Crow Road would be a novel, a play, or something else. The few bits of Rory's poetry for Crow Road read are bleak and depressing.

Prentice also spends a lot of time with a young woman named Ash. They've been good friends since childhood and seem to have a somewhat flirtatious dynamic now, but they aren't in a romantic relationship; mostly, they drink and hang out together. Ash tells Prentice bluntly to get his life back on track when she finds out he's failing at school, avoiding his family, and engaging in shoplifting. She is a voice of reason, and when Prentice insists to her that he's just a failure, she reminds him that actually, he's just a kid.

Prentice's efforts to figure out Rory's story or location stagnate, and he continues to fail at school and avoid his father. He then receives word that Kenneth was killed while debating faith with Hamish. In fact, Kenneth dies after a fall from a church lightning rod, which he was climbing in an act of defiance against Hamish's philosophy when it was struck by lightning; Hamish is convinced that Kenneth had incurred God's wrath. Ash is there for support when Prentice finds out about the death.

With Ash's help, Prentice returns to his hometown again to help manage Kenneth's affairs. Prentice speaks with a very shaken Hamish, who is handling Kenneth's death with extreme drama and making it all about his own feelings. Hamish tells Prentice that Kenneth was jealous that Prentice shared more in common with Hamish's faith than with Kenneth's lack of faith. However, this isn't really true, and as he contemplates his father's death, Prentice begins to internalize one of the last things Hamish reported that Kenneth had argued: "All the gods are false. Faith itself is idolatry."

As the chapters go on, Prentice is compelled by some of the meaningful items related to Rory that he discovers in his father's belongings. He gains a renewed sense of purpose trying to solve the mystery of where Rory went and what happened to him. Among the interesting items are an ancient computer disk of Rory's that Prentice can't access with any equipment he can find; Ash uses her connections in the US and Canada to find a computer expert who can finally open the files on it. This takes quite a while, since the disk has to be mailed and Ash's connection is investigating the disk only in his free time.

Prentice also discovers that his feelings for Verity have changed. He no longer feels angry with Lewis for "stealing her." At first, Prentice's narration describes this as his feelings "cooling" as a result of the trauma of losing his father, but interestingly, this soon means Prentice gets to know Verity as a sister-in-law without getting caught up in jealous romantic feelings. Verity gets along well with the family, and Prentice is actually happy to discover that she and Lewis have a baby on the way. Prentice's relationship with Lewis improves greatly as well, partly because he is no longer jealous and partly because he realizes he does not want to lose Lewis, too.

Ash's connection who was looking at Rory's computer disk comes through and sends the printed contents of the files to Prentice. The files reveal to him that Rory likely knew Prentice's uncle, Fergus, murdered his wife by unbuckling her seat belt and crashing their car. Rory had written out a fictional version of events and considered using it in Crow Road. I'm not clear on exactly how certain Rory was about Fergus's crime, or whether Rory would have intentionally reported Ferg, or whether Rory even had enough proof to publicly accuse Ferg of murder, but people would likely have connected the dots in Rory's work and become suspicious of Ferg. For this reason, Prentice believes Ferg murdered Rory as well.

Prentice confronts Ferg. He doesn't get a confession and leaves Ferg's home with no concrete proof of anything; Ferg denies it all. But Prentice is soon physically assaulted in the night, and it seems Ferg was almost certainly the culprit, because he hadn't been home that same night, and he had injuries (probably from being fought off) the next day. A day or two later, Ferg's body is found unconscious in the cockpit of a plane, which crashes into the ocean. It's uncertain whether this was a suicide, but Prentice suspects it was. Rory's body is then soon recovered from the bottom of a waterway near Prentice's home, where Ferg had sunk it years ago.

As the mysteries are solved, Prentice realizes his feelings for Ash are romantic love. However, it's too late, he thinks, because Ash is about to take a job in Canada, where she may or may not stay. Prentice also hesitates to approach her because he's embarrassed about his previous behavior, venting all his angst about Verity and his father. He isn't sure she would even want to be in a relationship with him after that. But the very night before Ash leaves, she kisses Prentice on the cheek, which leads to a deeper kiss. They finally connect, have sex, and confess their mutual feelings. Ash still goes to her job in Canada, but says she'll come back when Prentice is done with his studies that summer.

The relationship's future is somewhat uncertain because something could come up while Ash is in Canada, but Prentice is hopeful. The book ends with Prentice getting ready to graduate with his grades on track as a history scholar, fully renouncing his belief in an afterlife while he acknowledges the inherent importance of our experiences in our lives now, and enjoying his time with Lewis and Verity and his other family members.

What's the point of all these hundreds of pages?

Well, look at all of the above; there's definitely more than one point. But the main point I took away is that we get this one life, with our loved ones in this world here and now, and this is where we make our meanings. There is no other meaning, but that doesn't mean there's no meaning at all. It means the meaning is here.

It's not death that gives life its meaning. It's the things we do while alive that give life its deeper meaning.

The Crow Road is described (on Wikipedia) as a Bildungsroman, a story focusing on the moral and philosophical growth and change of its main character as they transition from childhood to adulthood ("coming-of-age novel" is a similar term that is interchangeable, but more vague and not necessarily focused on morality/philosophy). And, indeed, all of the plots ultimately tie into Prentice's changed philosophy.

After his argument with Kenneth, Prentice feels childish and humiliated, and as a result, he refuses to go back home, which leads to a spiral of shame and depression. Kenneth dies and Prentice realizes it's too late to repair the relationship, which also leads him to realize it's what we do in life that matters, and that therefore, his father's argument was correct after all.

At the end of the novel, Prentice outright describes his new philosophy. However, I can't recall one specific passage where Prentice describes the process of how he changed his mind (if anyone else can remember something I missed, do let me know). There is, however, a moment when his narration indicates that Hamish seems less disturbed by his own part in the incident that led to Kenneth's death and more disturbed by the notion that his beliefs might actually be true: there might actually be an angry, vengeful God. In other words, Hamish's philosophy is selfish at its core.

My interpretation is that when his father died, Prentice realized three things: how utterly self-serving Hamish's devout faith is, how Kenneth's untimely death proves the importance of working things out now rather than in an imaginary afterlife, and how much profound meaning Kenneth had left behind despite having no faith at all. After these realizations, a determined belief in an afterlife no longer makes our lives here more profound like Prentice once thought it did.

Also, it's worth noting that this incident changes Prentice's idea of partnership, too. He loses interest in this distant, idealized woman he's been after. In love as in the rest of life, Prentice lets go of his ideals, and in doing so, he makes room for true meaning, both in a sincere familial, platonic connection with Verity and a sincere intimate, romantic connection with Ash.

But what about the sex scene?!

Yes, indeed, at the tail end of the story, Prentice and Ash have sex and admit they want to be in a relationship together. Prentice's narration describes them sleeping together and having intercourse not just once, but many times, including some slow and relaxed couplings during which they flex the muscles in their private parts to spell out "I.L.Y." and "I.L.Y.T." to each other in Morse code. This is relevant because earlier, they had been surprised and delighted to discover that they both knew Morse code; it isn't a detail that came from nowhere.

I didn't get the impression that this scene was trying to be especially titillating to the reader. It was mostly just a list of stuff the characters did together. I felt the point was that they were still anxious about being emotionally honest, a little desperate to convey their feelings without having to speak them out loud, and awkward in a way that made it obvious that their primary concern was the feelings, not the sexual performance. They cared about each other, but they weren't trying to be impressive or put on a show; contrast this with previous scenes where Prentice would act like a clown in front of Ash to diffuse his own anxiety. I've always thought that being able to have awkward sex and still enjoy it is a good sign.

Okay, so what does this all have to do with Good Omens?

Here's where I have to get especially interpretive. I'm doing my best, but of course, not everyone reading this will have the same perspective on Good Omens, the Final Fifteen especially. I believe similar themes are going to resonate between The Crow Road and Good Omens regardless of our particular interpretations of the characters' behavior and motivations, but I suppose it could hit differently for some people.

The TL;DR: I see similar themes between The Crow Road and Good Omens in:

The importance of mortal life on Earth

Meaning (or purpose) as something that we create as we live, not something that is handed to us by a supreme being

Sincere connection and love/passion (for people, causes, arts, life's work, etc) as a type of meaning/purpose

Relationships as reflections of philosophy

The dual nature of humanity

Life on Earth as the important part of existence is a core theme in Good Omens, and has been since the very beginning. We all already know Adam chose to preserve the world as it already is because he figured this out, and we all already know Aziraphale and Crowley have been shaped for the better by their experiences on Earth. But Good Omens isn't done with this theme by a long shot. I think this is the most important thematic commonality Good Omens will have with The Crow Road. Closely related is the notion that we create our meanings as we live, rather than having them handed to us. Isn't this, in a way, what Aziraphale struggles with in A Companion to Owls? He's been given this meaning, this identity, that doesn't fit him. But does he have anything else to be? Not yet.

Partnerships as a parallel to the characters' philosophical development also resonates as a commonality that The Crow Road may have with Good Omens. Prentice's obsession with Verity goes away when he starts to embrace the importance of life on Earth and makes room for his sincere relationship with Ash. Note their names: "Verity" is truth, an ideal Prentice's father instills in him; "Ashley" means "dweller in the ash tree meadow" in Anglo-Saxon, according to Wikipedia, and "ash" is one of the things people return to after death. Prentice literally trades his high ideals for life on Earth. We see in Aziraphale a similar tug-o'-war between Heaven's distant ideals and Crowley's Earthly pleasures, so I can see a similar process potentially playing out for him.

I don't particularly recall a ton of thematic exploration of free will in The Crow Road. However, there is a glimmer of something there: Prentice feels excessively controlled by Kenneth's desire to pass down his beliefs, and part of the reason Prentice is so resistant to change is simply his frustration with feeling censored and not being taken seriously. As the reader, I do get the feeling that while Prentice is immature, Kenneth made major mistakes in handling their conflict, too. And Kenneth's mistakes come from trying to dictate Prentice's thoughts. There is likely some crossover with Good Omens in the sense that I'm pretty sure both stories are going to take the position that people need to be allowed to make mistakes, and to do things that one perceives as mistakes, without getting written off as "stupid" or "bad" or otherwise "unworthy."

Suffice it to say that the human characters in Good Omens will also certainly play into these themes, but it's hard to write about them when we don't know much about them except that one of them is almost certainly the reincarnation of Jesus. This also makes me suspect perhaps the human cast will be 100% entirely all-new, or mostly new, symbolic of how Aziraphale and Crowley have immersed themselves in the ever-evolving, ever-changing world of life on Earth. Alternatively, if we encounter human characters again from Season 1 or 2, perhaps the ways they've grown and changed will be highlighted. For example, even in real-world time, Adam and Warlock have already, as of the time I'm writing this, gone through at least one entire life stage (from 11 in 2019 to 16 in 2024). They'll be legal adults in a couple of years, and if there's a significant time skip, they could be much older. If characters from Season 1 do reappear and themes from The Crow Road are prominent, I would expect either some key scenes highlighting contrasts and changes from their younger selves or for stagnation and growth to be a central part of their plot.

The more I write, the more I just interpret everything in circles. Hopefully this post has at least given you a decent idea of what The Crow Road is like and how it may relate to Good Omens.

I'll end this post with a quotation that feels relevant:

Telling us straight or through his stories, my father taught us that there was, generally, a fire at the core of things, and that change was the only constant, and that we – like everybody else – were both the most important people in the universe, and utterly without significance, depending, and that individuals mattered before their institutions, and that people were people, much the same everywhere, and when they appeared to do things that were stupid or evil, often you hadn’t been told the whole story, but that sometimes people did behave badly, usually because some idea had taken hold of them and given them an excuse to regard other people as expendable (or bad), and that was part of who we were too, as a species, and it wasn’t always possible to know that you were right and they were wrong, but the important thing was to keep trying to find out, and always to face the truth. Because truth mattered. Iain Banks, The Crow Road

[balkanradfem]

So, in the light of sharing lesbian experiences, I thought I'd try sharing a story that makes me wary of dating; it ends in hubris, so be warned. It might make it more clear why I'm not trying to date the hot woman in my building! Click read more for a long sad lesbian story.

Years ago, I had a crush on a woman I met on tumblr. I started talking to her, and I told her honestly that I like her, and asked her if she was into women. She said yes! We started chatting and communicating daily, and after a bit we switched over to sending emails, so we could write long stories to each other. She was incredibly smart, talented, creative, she was a good storyteller, she knew so much about plants and animals, she had a garden, a dog, she lived in a country close to mine, so I could logically, at one point, sit on a train and meet her.

After we talked excitedly for a while, she told me she has a crush on me too. I was so happy. The unreachable scenario, your crush likes you back. I was living it, I was beside myself. I was dreaming of being in a relationship with her and how that would look like, and she was sending me flirty little messages in the emails. We kept talking, and slightly flirting with each other in our emails, and this went on for months. She would tell me about her life, experiences, past relationships, her art and books she wrote. I was into it all, I read anything she wrote or drew, I offered support whenever she was having a rough time or was bothered by something. I noticed at this point that if I send her my stuff, she doesn't really comment on it, but I felt okay about it, since I already had enough confidence, and wasn't looking to get praise.

During this time, I grew attached to her, I started to really love her. She was sweet and warm and so interesting to me. She knew a lot about stuff I didn't! Her stories and art were admirable and I remember fondly going trough it over and over. I felt a little bit like a child next to her, since she was 10 years older, and smarter, and I kept trying to prove that I too, am an adult, who knows stuff, and is smart. At one point we decided to have a video call, and I was so nervous, I had to go be outside to connect to a wifi, and I kept thinking what if it's awkward, what if we don't know what to say? I decided to tackle that issue by going trough a comic she drew and then using the call to give her tons of feedback, praise and opinions on it, it was a long comic so I was able to talk about it for an hour! She was happy to discuss it and our conversation went lightly and we had fun. I asked her at the end if she had a good time, and she said – yes, we talked about me the entire time! And I hadn't even realized that, until she said it. I think I felt a bit weird about it afterwards, because I do tend to fixate on people I like a lot, but ultimately, you know, we could talk about other things next time.

This is where things started feeling weird. We were talking for about 6 months then, and she was starting to disappear without notice. I wouldn't get my emails answered in a while, and every time I grew anxious and upset, wondering if I did something wrong, or she just got busy. At first I just blamed myself for, you know, being mentally ill, having abandonment issues, worrying too much. But I felt more anxious every time she'd disappear. I would sometimes have to go away too, for a few days, but I would always warn her, and let her know when I'd be away, and when I'd come back. She'd never say anything. So next time she disappeared on me, I asked her to please just let me know when she's leaving, because I easily get worried and miss her, and I do have some issues that make me feel abandoned. She said it was difficult for her to read this, because it makes her look inconsiderate in comparison to me, but she'll of course, say something next time.

She didn't. She kept both disappearing, and being too busy to respond to me. And even though we started talking with the idea of being in a relationship, it was never later discussed or prompted again, she only would add one flirty sentence to each email, so I'd know she's still interested. But now she was disappearing, or ignoring me, or  - just lost interest. I had to slowly realize that we were not, in fact, going to date. Because if she wanted to be in a relationship, surely by now it would be at least discussed or mentioned, and we would want to spend more time together, find out more about each other. And instead she was responding to me less, growing away from me, but still wrote in flirty lines. I was heartbroken, but also found it too difficult to keep pretending that it's going to happen, when it clearly was not, the contrast of what she was saying, and what was happening, was too much for me.

It took me a hot minute to gather my courage, and then I wrote to her that her disappearances are heavy on my mental health, and in order for me to feel normal about it, it's best if we continue as just good friends, and then I won't have to be stressed about why she's not responding to me. And she responded to that one instantly, saying no, we're going to date, in fact we can be dating now, she wants to. But this was instead, even more confusing to me, because why now? We didn't mention it for months, there was no progression towards it, she's organically responding to me less and less, obviously losing interest in talking regularly, she didn't care to warn me of her disappearances to ease my worry and anxiety over losing her, so how could she actually want to date? I sent her an email apologizing, calling myself an idiot, offering to talk her trough my mental process of making this decision, blamed it all on myself and my mental illness, but I couldn't bring myself back in the mindset of just, waiting for her messages, worrying if she was losing interest in me, worrying if I did something wrong and she didn't want to be with me anymore. It was mortifying to me.

I sent her further two emails apologizing and asking if she was okay, now worried if I hurt her with my giving up on romance, if she's maybe upset with me. I said sorry so many times and asked her to please share with me how this has affected her.

She never replied to any. She never talked to me again.

And I didn't understand, for a long time, what had happened there. Nothing made sense to me, in one second she was asking for a relationship, and then in the next moment she was done with me forever. I waited for a reply for such a long time, before I finally accepted that it's not coming, she wasn't... she wasn't interested in even being friends with me.

This was baffling, because I believed we had, in fact, created a good friendship over those 6 months! We learned about each other's lives, interests, pasts, we discussed ideas and art and feminism and capitalism, we told each other stories, we shared our struggles and days, we had our jokes and references, I had an entire library of her works and art in my head at this point and cared for her deeply. I thought we had a bond, and regardless of it being a friendship or a romance, we cared for each other. And I could see we weren't going to progress to a relationship, because she lost interest, or at least the desire to talk to me regularly, and I accepted it, so what was wrong?

Well, it would take me months more of thinking it trough and catching little hints and signs of things that were wrong. During our conversation, since I hoped that we would date, I would regularly try to prop her up and make her feel good about herself; I always wanted her to feel special and amazing, and would often shower her in praise and admiration. I wanted her to know that being with me would mean constant support and appreciation of everything good about her, and she'd get endless warmth and adoration, because this is what I thought relationships should be like, right, and I wanted her to know that's what I wanted for us. This sentiment was not returned to me in kind, but I didn't mind since I could already feel good about myself. She also didn't react if I sent her some of my work, but I would react to her stuff for ages, because I knew how good it is to get feedback on your own creation, anyone would enjoy that. I realized belatedly, that when she'd ask for support, I'd drop everything to reassure her and comfort her, and be mad at her behalf, while when I asked for support, she'd kinda side with me but still talk about herself. But all of these things were so subtle and tiny to me, I couldn't even see them over the excitement of 'my crush likes me back'.

I wondered, if she wasn't into me at all, then why didn't she just turn me down at the start, or somewhere down the line, she could tell me if she wasn't actually interested in dating me. Because if she seriously did want to date me, then she could have tried being friends with me, speak with me more consistently, show me that she was serious and that she does want to talk to me, and then try for a relationship later; it was unlikely that I would say no, I was filled with adoration for her. So she didn't want a relationship, and she didn't want a friendship, so why didn't she just say no to me?

Because she wanted the attention. She liked being adored and having someone pursue her so passionately. And the rest... didn't really matter to her. She would have only talked to me, and flirted with me, to have me believe we were going to date, and the second I didn't believe it, and I wouldn't pursue her in that way.. I was as good as dead to her. I was just a resource in there. She didn't care when I was starting to get hurt by being ignored by her, and she didn't care when I specifically said to her that I was struggling with mental health because she was trying to have me believe in something I saw wasn't true. She still tried to push me back into pursuing her after I gave up because of pain. She wanted the attention even when it was hurting me to give it.

I also tried to put myself in her shoes, and see how I would react in her place. I imagined if I had flirted with someone, and then ignored them for a while, and they then asked to be just friends. I don't think I would have even attempted to persuade them to go back to how they were before, because I would be horrified that I set this person up with false expectations, and then caused them pain by failing them. I would be relieved that they weren't mad at me for leading them on, and would feel awful for leading them on at all. But I also wouldn't even bring myself into this situation; if I had feelings for someone, and then realized they're fading away, but this person was still hopeful, or anxious, I'd have to set them straight and tell them what's up, so they could get a chance to move on. Saying 'no I actually want to date, lets go back to that' when I'm ready to drop them in an instant would be unthinkable to me.

What happened was so much worse than being rejected, or turned down. I was at this point wishing so badly that I had just been rejected. I would have moved on from that in a day or two. I had created a whole bond with a person who could not have cared less, and who dropped me the second I did something they didn't like. If I had known that's the reality of it, I would have never wanted to be friends, or anything else. And I also had no way of knowing, it was a shock when things turned out this badly.

I left that experience with some new conclusions. One was that I'll never try to date someone who makes me feel like a child. When I would feel dumb or childish next to her, she would poke fun at it and tease me about it, when I would genuinely feel not taken seriously, and I hated every minute of it, I hated having to prove that I'm an equal to someone. I also would no longer try to pursue anyone with so much love and attention. I might have been wrong to be so honest and direct with my intentions and my feelings. I set myself up for exploitation. It wasn't the first time I was exploited in that way either, this was just one of the worst ones.

After this experience, for a while I stopped liking people in general. Considering even being friends with someone, filled me with anxiety and exhaustion. I fell depressed and had thoughts about never talking to anyone again. I just didn't want to be put trough this again, and it took time for me to believe that a person can be that selfish and cruel, and hide it for so long, I didn't believe this could happen. I guess it hit me worse than it would have because I have abandonment issues, and this falls heavy on a heart of a person who's been abandoned before.

But anyway, I am feeling better now, and I'm very careful about having any kind of ideas about dating! I'm not interested in anyone who gives even the tiniest hint of mixed signals, or wanting to play with my heart, or promise anything unlikely or far down the line. If someone says they like me I won't even believe them! But, I'm keeping my honesty, and I won't set anyone up for this kind of pain. If I don't intend to be with someone, they'll know right away :).

[prejacfetish]

Train Yourself (or a partner) to Cum Faster - Coach Sarah' Method for PE

TL;DR

* Find what tier you're in below

* work towards the next tier

**Introduction**

After posting my first adventure here, I've gotten many, many people asking me to train or coach them one-on-one. Of course, having someone hot, clever, and a little sadistic to train you is the best, but, tragically, the reality is that I am way too busy to coach every person who wants to be coached.

But, these conversations have helped me start to formulate a generic write-up for some of the stuff I would suggest for guys or girls who want to be coached, either to cum faster, to cum helplessly to some specific stimulus, or both. This is my first stab at the former -- coaching to cum faster.

I've never had a "method" before. Every guy or girl I've ever played these sorts of games with I've approached individually, depending on their desires, their past, and what I personally was finding hot when I thought about it.

But I do think there are patterns or defaults that can help, so I've decided to start writing them down and sharing them.

If any of you follow my advice and keep notes, I'd love to hear how it goes! I particularly enjoy public comments, even if they're made with a burner account, because then everyone can benefit from your experience.

**What this guide is and isn't**

This will be an initial attempt at a guide specifically for people (any gender, any genitals) who want to cum faster. This is actually NOT what I do most of the time in my personal life -- most of the time, especially if I'm even occasionally sleeping with the person, I'd much prefer to train them to cum when I want, which might be 30 seconds into making out with them, or not at all. But, since PE Fetish is where I shared my first post, that's what most of your questions have been about, so I figured I'd start there.

So, what are the main goals of making someone cum faster? And what are the things I am not particularly interested in?

Let's get some of the "not interested" things out of the way first.

First, I'm not interested in fantasy, and that's not what this guide is about. I think fantasy captioned images where a guy is cumming in his pants after just seeing a girl in tight pants are great, if that's your thing. More power to ya! But MY thing is doing it in real life, and in real life that sort of thing is both borderline impossible, and also, if it really COULD be achieved, would completely screw up a person's life. Hot in fantasy, but not workable in reality.

Second, for this guide, I'm only interested in "conditioned triggers" in as much as they facilitate cumming faster. The idea of cumming whenever you see pussy or breasts or ass or a fire truck or hear a specific phrase is GREAT, and I LOVE it -- but here it is, at best, of secondary importance.

If you condition yourself to only cum to bare breasts, for example, you're working towards a different goal than strictly "lowering your time" PE. Imagine training to only cum to bare breasts, and it worked perfectly. Does that mean if we were hooking up, and I left my shirt on, you could you go for hours?

Obviously the answer to this is probably "who knows," but the point is that if your goal is just to get faster, a trigger CAN be helpful, but it should be a side dish more than the main course.

(Side note, a variation on this that I applied with Alan in a previous post, and that I have used several times since, is conditioning friends to cum when they see my bare pussy. This is a fun variation on a PE fetish, because it lets you keep a guy hard for as long as you want, but they know they will never be able to fuck you! That's not what I'm covering here, though. Maybe another day!)

So if that's what I DON'T want, what DO I want to achieve with this kind of coaching?

**Goals / What this guide will help you do**

The following three goals, IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE:

1. the person gets better at the learned skill of cumming quickly. week over week, the number of minutes and seconds it takes for them to cum goes down consistently (if not strictly linearly)

2. the person gets better at cumming from less intense VISUAL & mental stimulation. if in week 1 they are cumming to niche hardcore porn, in week 52 (say) I'd like them to be cumming just as easily to pics of people wearing clothes, or just their imagination.

3. the person gets better at cumming from less intense PHYSICAL stimulation. if in week 1 they are cumming to jerking off with a death-grip at high speed, or by holding a hitachi directly against their clit, by week 52 (say), I'd like them to be cumming from one finger rubbing their frenulum, or a soft paintbrush or make-up brush on their clit.

This is a key concept, so I'll repeat it: for me, and this guide, I am more interested in lowering times FIRST, decreasing intensity of visual stimulation SECOND, and decreasing physical stimulation THIRD. There can be some wiggle room, and not everything is linear, as I'll explain; but in general I think going from 20 minute jerk-offs (or 4+ hour goon sessions) with a tight grip and nonstop hardcore/niche porn on monday, to trying to "OFM" to girls in baggy clothes in 90 seconds on tuesday, is a recipe for not getting anywhere.

**Three Elements**

That said, progress is always non-linear. So, you'll be working through tiers. For each tier, you will:

1. Get your time down, and keep lowering it consistently

2. Then, start to experiment with less intense visual / mental stimulation

3. Then, start to experiment with less intense physical stimulation

When you are hitting all three benchmarks in a given tier, you'll move on to the next.

Ok those are the goals. Now onto the method.

**Method In Broad Strokes**

1. Take stock of where you currently are.

2. Find the highest tier you're in based on the benchmarks

3. Use that tier to set specific, concrete goals

4. Work towards those goals in the following order:A. TimeB. Visual stimulationC. Physical stimulation

5. When you reach a new benchmark, start the steps over

6. When (not if) you hit a plateau, follow the "plateau procedure"

Again, I've never written this down before, but this is basically what I'm typically, generically doing and thinking about when I'm training a friend (or enemy). I'm not always literally following the exact steps in the exact order, but it's pretty close to what I would do in the broadest of strokes.

(Also, for what it's worth, if anyone works on this constantly I'd love your feedback. I'm inventing these tiers right now based on experience, in order to help people broadly; but in my normal life I'd be setting individual goals for each individual. These might end up being a little "off" and if you find yourself stalling or hitting certain benchmarks more easily than others, I'd love to hear that.

**Tiers**

>**Tier 1 Benchmarks:**

>

>Frequency: Masturbates 3 or more times per day

>

>Time: n/a (doesn't matter)

>

>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>**Tier 2 Benchmarks:**

>

>Frequency: Masturbates once or twice a day, most days

>

>Time: n/a (doesn't matter)

>

>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>**Tier 3 Benchmarks:**

>

>Frequency: Masturbates either every other day, or 3 days a week.

>

>Time: records time consistently (time itself doesn't matter)

>

>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>**Tier 4 Benchmarks:**

>

>Frequency: Masturbates either every other day, or 3 days a week.

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 5 minutes

>

>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>*Note: from this point and below, the requirement for every tier is "Frequency: Masturbates either every other day, or 3 days a week, not more."*

>

>**Tier 5 Benchmarks:**

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 90 seconds

>

>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>**Tier 6 Benchmarks:**

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 60 seconds

>

>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person w/o penetration

>

>Physical stimulation: n/a (*Can be anything, though this is a good place to casually practice a "loose" grip (penis) or less intense or indirect vibrations (if you have a pussy and use a vibrator).*)

>

>*Note: from this point and below, the phrase "a single person" refers to "a single person per video or image." You are keeping to softcore, not fixating on a single individual.*

>

>**Tier 7 Benchmarks:**

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 45 seconds

>

>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person wearing SOME clothing on top and bottom (can be underwear or swimsuit)

>

>Physical stimulation: masturbates with thumb, index finger and middle finger only (penis) or fingers only (vagina)

>

>**Tier 8 Benchmarks:**

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 30 seconds

>

>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person wearing street clothes

>

>Physical stimulation: masturbates with two fingers only (index finger and thumb or index finger and middle finger) (penis) or 1 finger only (vagina)

>

>*Note: from this point and below, the phrase "street clothes" is subjective. My metric is "an outfit that wouldn't get you kicked out of a typical restaurant where families are present"*

>

>**Tier 9 Benchmarks:**

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 20 seconds

>

>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person wearing street clothes

>

>Physical stimulation: masturbates with two fingers only (index finger and thumb or index finger and middle finger) (penis) or 1 finger only (vagina)

>

>**Tier 10 Benchmarks:**

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 10 seconds

>

>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm without visual stimulation

>

>Physical stimulation: masturbates with one finger only (penis) or with a make up brush only (vagina)

**Using the Tiers**

Again, the method / pattern is as follows:

1. Take stock of where you currently are.

2. Find the highest tier you're in based on the benchmarks

3. Use that tier to set specific, concrete goals

4. Work towards those goals in the following order:A. TimeB. Visual stimulationC. Physical stimulation

5. When you reach a new benchmark, start the steps over

6. When (not if) you hit a plateau, follow the "plateau procedure"

For the purposes of this guide, you want to look at the HIGHEST number tier for which you hit ALL the metrics. That is the tier you are "on." One tier below that is the tier you are "working towards."

Note that I say you need to hit ALL the metrics to be ON a given tier. What happens if you hit some metrics for one tier, but not all the metrics? As you'll see, this will often be the case, and that's a good thing. In every case, you are considered to be on the HIGHEST number tier for which you hit ALL the metrics; hitting some metrics for lower tiers is great, but doesn't mean anything in terms of your programing.

For example, lets look at tiers 5 and 6

>**Tier 5 Benchmarks:**

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 90 seconds

>

>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

&#x200B;

>**Tier 6 Benchmarks:**

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 60 seconds

>

>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person w/o penetration

>

>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

Lets say you time yourself and are able to cum in 54 seconds while looking at hardcore BDSM porn. You are in Tier 5, working towards tier 6, because while you meet the time metric for tier 6 (good job!), you don't yet meet ALL the metrics.

Let's look at a more extreme example.

>**Tier 3 Benchmarks:**

>

>Frequency: Masturbates either every other day, or 3 days a week.

>

>Time: records time consistently (time itself doesn't matter)

>

>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>**Tier 4 Benchmarks:**

>

>Frequency: Masturbates either every other day, or 3 days a week.

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 5 minutes

>

>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)

>

>**Tier 7 Benchmarks:**

>

>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 45 seconds

>

>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person wearing SOME clothing on top and bottom (can be underwear or swimsuit)

>

>Physical stimulation: masturbates with thumb, index finger and middle finger only (penis) or fingers only (vagina)

Let's say you consistently masturbate to images of a single person wearing some clothing on top and bottom, like underwear or a swimsuit. Great! You have only recently started timing yourself, and you average about 8 1/2 minutes to climax, with a best-ever time of 5:24.

You are doing awesome, but for the purposes of programing, you should consider yourself at Tier 3, working towards Tier 4. This isn't to diminish your work cumming to less intense visual stimulation! But this guide is about learning to cum faster. Following the tier system, you can stop worrying about less intense visual stimulation for a while, and focus on getting your time down for a while.

Again, as a reminder, this guide isn't one-size fits all. If you think this concept is shit, do whatever you want! I'm not your mom (unless I've explicitly told you to call me Mommy) and you can do whatever you want to do. But this is the GENERAL advice and programing I'd give to a person who wants to achieve the specific goals I outlined above. If you want something else, do something else, I won't be offended.

**Moving Up In Tiers**

**Tiers 1 - 3**

Your goal here is to work from masturbating many times a day to once every other day, or 3 days a week on scheduled days each week. (Either is fine in my opinion -- every other day is probably sightly better in general, but every 3 days can make overcoming plateaus easier so it's mostly a wash.)

* for one week, keep track of how many times you masturbate. (Generally this means orgasm, but if you do a lot of edging, count each 30 minute block as one time)

* At the end of the week make a total for the week.

* Multiply the total by .9. That is your new weekly maximum.

* Divide by 7 to get a daily maximum, if you want to

* for each following week, multiply THE WEEKLY MAXIMUM by .9 to get a new weekly maximum

* Do not multiply the number of times you masturbated by .9, I don't care about that number at all. Reduce the amount you masturbate by as much as you like. Drop down to 3x a week on week 2 if you want. But your weekly maximum goes down by 10% each week regardless.

* You are done with this sequence when you consistently masturbate every other day / on 3 scheduled days a week for 3 consecutive weeks.

*Walking, exercise, and hobbies Side-note*

For people that I coach who masturbate A LOT, their masturbation is often a way of numbing difficult emotions. Simply dropping down in frequency without doing anything else tends, in my experience, to fail spectacularly.

If you masturbate more than 7x a week, you should follow the following sequence as you follow the above sequence:

* when you determine the number of times a week you masturbate, also keep track (precisely or loosely, guesstimates are fine) of the number of MINUTES you masturbate

* As you reduce the number of times you masturbate, you are REQUIRED to replace at least 50% of that time (100% is optimal) with specific other activities.

* Walking is the default activity, and might be the best. This generally means going outside and walking, maybe listening to music or a podcast. If you can't decide, just do this.

* Other activities include any form of exercise, or any hobby where you look at your hands (drawing, journaling, sculpting, ship-in-a-bottle are ok; video games and surfing the internet do not count for this requirement)

**Tiers 4 and beyond**

Again, the method / pattern is as follows:

1. Take stock of where you currently are.

2. Find the highest tier you're in based on the benchmarks

3. Use that tier to set specific, concrete goals

4. Work towards those goals in the following order:A. TimeB. Visual stimulationC. Physical stimulation

5. When you reach a new benchmark, start the steps over

6. When (not if) you hit a plateau, follow the "plateau procedure"

We've now covered 1, 2, and 3. Now we'll work on 4, 5 and 6.

**4A. How to lower your time**

This alone is a helpful and simple method, and I bet some of you who think this guide is WAY too complicated can still benefit from this approach. Here's what you do.

Note: should be self-explanatory, but the following is intended for people who are in tier 4 or higher. If you are masturbating 3x a day, godspeed, but this will probably not be super effective.

Solo Method:

Week 1

* each time you masturbate, time yourself with a STOPWATCH

* \- the timer begins when you touch your genitals, even through clothes (this is to prevent cheating by doing a lot of stimulation through your jeans or whatever, which is counterproductive)

* \- You can look at stimulating stuff at other times, but this may cause you to go crazy or fall off the wagon (hard to advise if you don't have a partner)

* at the end of the week, average the times (add them up and divide by 3 or 4 depending)

* Multiply this number by .9 -- This is your new MAXIMUM TIME

For each following week:

* each time you masturbate, set a TIMER (not a stopwatch) for your MAXIMUM TIME.

* If you orgasm within the maximum time, great! (it's not required, but I think it's good to write down how long you took, eg {max time - time remaining on timer = session time\]

* if you do not orgasm within the maximum time, no problem! stop masturbating and wait until your next session.

* Generally, if you are following the structure, you will always cum either in the first session or the second session. This is considered "good progress"

* At the end of each week, multiply the week's MAXIMUM TIME by .9 to get next weeks new Maximum Time

* Generally there's no need to add up your times and find an average anymore, unless you find yourself consistently beating your maximum times by a huge margin (over 25%) FOR MULTIPLE WEEKS RUNNING.

* When your week's maximum time gets = to or lower than the maximum time for the Tier you are WORKING TOWARDS, set your max time at that time and keep it there.

*Partner Method:*

*As above, but with a partner you can generally go faster, especially if the partner is keeping you in a chastity device. Sometimes I will multiply the max time by other numbers, like .85 or .8, or arbitrarily drop down even lower -- and then in following weeks raise the time similarly arbitrarily. I find a more chaotic approach that trends downward is often more effective and makes my partner feel much more controlled and helpless.*

Within 2 weeks, you will either be cumming within the max time for the tier you are working towards, most of the time or all of the time, OR, you will be plateaued, only cumming every other time (and likely really frustrated).

If you are pretty consistently cumming within the max time for the tier you are working towards, keep your max time where it is and move on to decreasing visual stimulation.

If you are plateaued, do the following:

* time yourself with a stopwatch (not a timer)

* masturbate once, with the goal of cumming as fast as you can

* whatever time you get is your temporary max time, which will be consistent as you move on to decreasing visual stimulation.

**4B -** **Decreasing Visual Stimulation**

(This is identical to (but maybe slightly more detailed than) the much-misunderstood "Trigger Method" popular on this subreddit. I hate to even use that term, because people almost always get the wrong idea about what the word "trigger" means. So if you don't know what I'm talking about, just forget the word trigger.)

* keep your maximum time, as above.

* as above, if you don't cum within your maximum time, stop and wait for your next session

* Look at the requirements for visual stimulation for the tier you are working towards

* Before you start masturbating, pull up something along those lines in another window, browser tab, screen, whatever. We'll call this the LESS STIMULATING stuff.

* masturbate as normal to the stuff you normally masturbate to

* when you are close to orgasm, switch to the LESS STIMULATING stuff while you orgasm

* Over time, experiment with switching to the LESS STIMULATING stuff earlier and earlier in the session

* Eventually experiment with starting with the less stimulating stuff and looking at it the whole time.

* There is another more concrete method for this that involves two timers, but that is probably too much for most people's patience.

* DON'T: look at the less stimulating stuff to start with and switch to some other thing later.

* I don't really recommend making the LESS STIMULATING stuff something specific like belly buttons or feet or eye contact or fire hydrants if your goal is to decrease your time. (That can be fun for other games, but outside the scope of this specifci guide.)

* When you are consistently cumming to the less stimulating stuff, move on to decreasing physical stimulation

* If you go for several weeks making no progress -- consistently not cumming, or frequently only cumming on session #2 and not #1, you can move on to physical stimulation OR add time to your max time and start over.

**4C - Decreasing Physical Stimulation**

Much the same as above, but with physical stimulation.

* keep your maximum time, as above.

* as above, if you don't cum within your maximum time, stop and wait for your next session

* Look at the requirements for physical stimulation for the tier you are working towards

* masturbate as normal to the stuff you normally masturbate to

* while you masturbate, experiment with less intense grip/pressure/lower speed on vibrator

* when you are close to orgasm, switch to the LESS STIMULATING type of touching while you orgasm. Do this until you feel you are cumming normally/strongly with the less intense stimulation

* Over time, experiment with switching to the LESS STIMULATING grip/pressure earlier and earlier in the session

* (For people with vaginas, when you are moving from vibrator to fingers, take your time. This tier might be a huge challenge for you! That's fine, be patient, take it slow.)

* Eventually experiment with starting with the less stimulating grip or pressure the whole time.

* When you are consistently cumming to the less stimulating stuff, but are falling short of the tier you are working towards in terms of time or visual stimulation, return to those steps as above. It's okay for progress to be non-linear!

* If you go for several weeks making no progress -- consistently not cumming, or frequently only cumming on session #2 and not #1, you can move back to visual stimulation OR add time to your max time and start over.

Ok, I typed this all out without too much thinking about it or review. I'll probably return to it in a day or two to make refinements and possibly add examples for the last part. And obviously I'll need

Please sound off with questions, in the meantime.

And, good luck! I can't offer direct coaching, but I'd love to hear your progress in the comments.

\-Coach Sarah

[manicpixiedreamedwins]

Alright. I've been talking about writing a meta about Charles and jealousy for a while, so here it is. It's a mess. I tried to make it more concise than it was, if you can believe that.

Be forewarned, below the cut we'll be diving into some canon compliant content like Charles' home life. Please, please, please note that now is the time to leave if you are not in a good space to read about those.

Okay. First I want to establish a few things before I get to analyzing the scenes, because I think it is important that we have empathy for Charles here. This might be a bit of a long preamble, but if you could stay with me I'd appreciate it. I promise I am going somewhere with all of this.

I think a lot of us have been told, perhaps by a parent or a friend, that jealousy is unbecoming or bad. Think about it. I know growing up that is a message I heard frequently even though I saw adults exhibit it. This was actually pretty confusing to try and work out. Anyway, now with this almost puritanical obsession with good pure and healthy relationships in media, it's gotten worse. We're told any human flaw we have is something we have to fix or we are not deserving of love. Yes, including jealousy.

Only if that's the case, Charles is fighting uphill here. Here's why:

For reference 41:30 -42:00 in episode 4 is the flashback that The Night Nurse shows Charles of his home. If we unpack this we can learn a lot of things, but there are two that I would like two draw your attention to today:

Charles' dad clearly isn't someone Charles could form a secure attachment to. He seems to only be acknowledging Charles when he's angry, and only acknowledging him in a very violent manner. He's also not really communicating with him, and expecting Charles to know what he's upset about I guess? Truly, this man is terrifying. He knows his family is afraid of him, and he knows they'll scramble to try and fix whatever his issue is.

Charles' mom doesn't intervene. Now, I do not want to hear any vile junk in my notes. She's a battered woman and has probably been in the same position that Charles has, considering Charles himself is worried about her once he is dead. He's worried enough that he checks in on her every week. It makes it all the more heartbreaking that Charles is the one who has taken it upon himself to try and "make it better" (although this is not uncommon among kids who grow up in abusive households, alarmingly).

It definitely drives home that there is a clear hierarchy in the home (everyone tries to please the most volatile person), and you're at the bottom of the pyramid. Even if it's just because you and everyone else in the household is too terrified to do anything about the most abusive person's behavior, you still feel the weight of never being put first. You will never be put first, because how could you be? "You never made it better than you died" (via The Night Nurse) holds a crushing amount of meaning here.

Alright. Now we have established that Charles had some messed up stuff happen at home. Let's take that a step further. Adverse childhood experiences can lead to a variety of attachment styles that are not secure and... you guessed it, jealousy can get thrown in the mix. (This link leads to an abstract of a very interesting research article. If you request the full test directly from the researcher they will provide it for free, but it takes time. The basic idea here is that if kids aren’t able to form secure attachments to their parents, then they will struggle to feel secure in their relationships as they grow up. Sometimes that can manifest as jealousy).

Still with me after all of that? You are god's strongest soldier, lmao. Now let's get into the good stuff.

Charles dies, but there in the attic he meets Edwin. Charles chooses Edwin over the blue light without a second thought. He comforted him when he was dying, and that tenderness is foreign for Charles. The choice is an easy one.

He enjoyed it, and he enjoys Edwin. Edwin, in turn, turns out to be is someone who unequivocally, continuously, puts Charles first. He also does something really important- Charles seeks reassurance, and Edwin gives it ("You ever think, what if Death did catch us? She'd force us to go to the afterlife and split up" Charles asks. "I will make sure that never happens" Edwin answers, all while they're hanging on the side of their office). This is one of the first things we learn about them in the pilot. Charles knows he can count on Edwin. This wasn't something he had from anyone in life.

So things go fine for Charles for a long while. Edwin hasn't given him any reason to feel insecure in all that time it seems. He’s done a great job making Charles feel safe. Charles even feels secure enough that it is his idea to try and integrate Crystal into the agency, although Edwin clearly hates it. Crystal isn’t a threat to his friendship with Edwin, so it would appear Charles still feels reasonably secure in their relationship at this point.

Charles even explains or excuses a lot of Edwin's reactions to try and smooth things over. He tries to mediate between them during their first plan to rescue Becky from Esther's house the best he can. He allows Edwin to have a leg of the case with just the two of them, but he tries to frame it as protecting Crystal.

But then it's Edwin's turn to shake up the foundation that their relationship is built on.

Edwin had a lot of issues to attend to this season, and he tried to deal with most of them alone. Most of the problems Edwin had to handle put definite distance between him and Charles- how couldn't they? He was being hit on, which was a very new experience for him. He probably didn't even know how to talk about that at first, as evidenced by his description of the CK speaking closely to his ear (oh sweet summer child). He also learned about his feelings for the first time, which Monty had to finish spelling out for him.

This all, however, is where we see a shift in the dynamic. It's significant.

Edwin uses magic on a cat and has to go and meet with the Cat King. Whoops. 🙃 Charles slides easily into his role as a protector, but… Edwin stops him.

Honestly, Edwin had a good reason to do this. He pointed out that cat scratches can cause serious harm to ghosts, and they were surrounded. As endearing as this was, this wouldn’t have been an easy fight. They can just talk this out, right? He gets whisked away for a few minutes to do that (and then winds up opening a bigger can of worms).

From Charles’ perspective though, Edwin doesn’t allow him to help him, and then vanishes for a long period of time. Then he absolutely won’t tell him anything about it when he does come back. Charles knew Edwin was a little mad at him in the pilot, but they were still communicating for the most part. The secrecy is a shift, and it’s not one he’s coping well with. He tries a few different ways to reconnect.

First he tries gentle. He just asks what happened from a place of concern. This might have worked actually, only I’m not even sure Edwin knows how to fully describe what happened during their encounter. He rushes through a description, and Charles still feels like something is missing. He doesn’t like that someone else has a secret with Edwin— for thirty years they’ve been connected. This feels frightening to him, and Edwin doesn’t seem particularly worried that they’re not on the same page.

He tries to pick the conversation back up later when they’re searching for the dandelion shrine, but Edwin doesn’t give any additional information. So he slides back into his role of being a protector again and defends him against the ambient skeletons, because at least he can protect him from that easily. For a moment, things almost seem normal again, but this resurfaces in a later case.

Edwin meets with CK again in episode 4. Charles is still raw after the events of the Devlin House, and now he’s just pissed. He’s hurting, and Edwin is still keeping this weird secret. They end up bickering back and forth. The bickering tells us something interesting about Charles’ concerns.

Charles: What did he want? He didn't whisk you away again? Got that bracelet off?

Edwin: I'd be back at the office right now if the bracelet was off. He wanted to know if I counted the cats, and my guess was unsatisfactory.

Charles: Thinks he can come and go... He can't show up in the middle of cases. Did you tell him that?

Edwin: Matter of fact, I did.

Charles: Can't believe you didn't tell us. I've had enough of secrets about that wankеr.

Edwin: Why are you getting so angry?

What stands out to me here is Charles is upset about a few things: he hates that Edwin is getting taken away from him by a being they can’t control (a logical fear, considering they’re running from death together). He hates that this is happening in the middle of case time that is supposed to be for him and Edwin (and their friends, who Charles trusts). He is still really upset that Edwin has a secret with someone else (I really don’t think he’d be bothered if the secret was with him).

That’s why he’s upset. Charles isn’t feeling secure. He doesn’t feel like their relationship is on good footing right now. Whether or not he knows how to phrase that or ask for support is a different question.

Onto Monty (sorry these are a bit out of order— I put them by character for this part).

Charles wasn’t aware of Monty. This probably already bothered him a little, considering the mystery surrounding the cat king, but he tried to be a good sport. Monty wasn’t outwardly threatening. He came with gifts. He seemed friendly. Charles tried to match that… only to get snubbed. Ouch.

Charles likes to claim he’s aces with other people, but he ultimately died because his friends turned on him and killed him the second he stood up for what was important to him. I think peer relationships are a particularly sticky situation for him. I think he knew how to fit in the same way he knew how not to rock the boat in a volatile home. With Edwin it was different though— Edwin just liked him. Edwin was special.

But of course yet another boy their age doesn’t like him (probably a little upsetting, considering how he died). The only thing that’s confusing to him here is he didn’t really do anything wrong— he was polite. He followed along with all the little niceties people do, even when they don’t want to. Maybe this wouldn’t have bothered him so much in another situation, but now Edwin is wrapped up with him instead of Charles. He's picked him instead (in Charles' mind).

He can’t even shake this when Monty isn’t there.

Charles tries to get Edwin's attention... and fails. so he begins to have a conversation with himself. Perhaps he was trying to make Edwin laugh. Perhaps he was trying something over the top. Still, he fails. Ultimately, he goes the broken record route and asks him the same question a couple of times.

This moment probably really hurt- there's actually no reason for Edwin to be ignoring him, in Charles' mind anyway. They're alone together. Usually they'd be talking or bantering or at least Charles would be able to get Edwin's attention. It's just that he can't, because now Edwin is stuck on that fucking book from that fucking bloke who blew him off earlier.

This was probably a little activating for Charles. Even if he didn't completely put together why it upset him, Edwin putting someone who just treated him poorly right in front of his face first is a dim reflection of what he went through in his home. Now, I am not saying Monty is anywhere near that level of bad- he's a literal cream puff. He could not kill them when his life depended on it.

What I am saying, though, that Charles perceives a subtle threat here. He's also not sure what to do with it, because he never overcame that hurtle in life. No one else ever put him first, and he never figured out how to fix that. Edwin kind of just centered Charles automatically when they met. Now he's not doing that anymore and it’s jarring and uncomfortable for him. He’s feeling this loss of stability, on top of the fact that Edwin still won’t tell him what’s going on with the CK.

"...try not to forget that we're trying to leave" is what Charles comes up with after that exchange. Edwin makes an attempt to console him finally and offers to talk, but Charles shuts it down and tells him it's that he wants to leave town. They start on a case after that.

(Note that I did this a little out of order for organization’s sake— some of their CK arguing happened during the case they went on next).

Charles does finally catch a break here. In spite of all of this, he’s missing something very important: Edwin has feelings for him. That’s probably the most pressing issue that’s gone unspoken between them.

So Edwin dresses nicely, catches Charles attention, and finally tries to initiate a conversation. Charles seems relieved.

He does assume Edwin is just trying to come out by telling him about his time with Monty, before the teethface incident. Charles isn’t bothered, since Monty isn’t really in the picture anymore as far as he’s concerned. Things are fine, it’s just the two of them again and Edwin likes boys. Wait…

... Fuck. Forgot about the Cat King.

He resorts to threatening the CK. I know lots of people have lots of different theories on this, but consider this perspective also: Monty is no longer a threat. He’s abstract. He’s a memory. The Cat King is still very real and is a thing that can come between them, has done so, and has successfully taken Edwin from him. And as accepting as Charles was trying to be in that moment, he just can't handle that (from the perspective of this meta).

Anyway, this is all interrupted by their foray into hell. Charles does rescue Edwin, Edwin confesses, and honestly I feel like that just needs to be a different thing entirely but I did type a little bit about how I think Charles interpreted all of that here.

They return. Charles is processing Edwin's confession on the roof. This whole scene mystifies me a little because yes, he didn't seem to know exactly what to say to Edwin's confession in hell (I think he did not want to ruin it by saying the wrong thing). The more rewatches I go through the more... satisfied he looks to me? He might be processing, but also he might be a little giddy that Edwin has feelings for him specifically. I'm still trying to figure out how to read this one because the lines seemed rushed but the microexpressions say so much.

Then he starts blatantly flirting with Edwin. Honestly Charles, what the fuck?(afffectionate) Truly I’m still trying to work out if he’s just testing out how Edwin reacts or if he is working through his own feelings here, but I really want more of this in S2.

That’s about all the thoughts I think I can organize on this for now without it getting obscenely long (it already is pretty long for a half baked idea that turned into a meta). Thank you for reading 🖤

[eowynstwin]

Hi everyone. It's been a while—exactly a month since I last posted to this blog. How have you been?

A month isn't really all that long, but it's enough time to be able to look at everything that happened and understand it better. In the end, the whole situation (I've been calling it The Fuckening in my head) really didn't have anything to do with me. I was unlucky enough to run across someone willing to hurt anyone they could for attention, but also lucky enough that everyone who mattered to me in this fandom went to bat for me.

So I’ve decided to come back to this blog. I'll be posting about call of duty again as well as posting my writing. I also plan to blog about other fandoms (I’d already been doing it anyway); I've been getting back into rdr2, for example, and there's some writing I'd like to do for that.

There’s more context which I’ll put below the cut, but that’s the most important part of what I have to say; I often regret how long winded I can be, so the rest is just self indulgence if you can forgive it. I’ve thought a lot about this choice and I’m satisfied with my decision. I hope none of you will mind.

So, lol, things were not great outside of fandom stuff when it all kicked off, though I didn’t mention it publicly because we all know by now that asking for any sympathy when you’re the target of a mob is more likely to just get you raked over the coals harder. I’m still not entirely sure about talking about all of this, but I have a bad tendency to clam up when I really should be asking for support. So:

I mentioned briefly before the accusations started flying that I was dealing with bedbugs—turns out it was actually something else, but leading up to a doctor’s visit I was convinced I had an infestation, and I was stripping my bed every day to look for them. I had alarms set to wake me up twice a night to see if I could catch them, so I was not sleeping all that well. I couldn’t find anything, but I had no other explanation, and it was driving me fucking crazy. Post doctor visit it turns out I had a viral infection. No idea where I caught it, and nothing to do but wait it out. I had a massive, gnarly looking rash all over my body, and to add insult to injury I developed a fever that took me out for a whole weekend. (I’m recovered now but I have a nifty new scar on my hip from getting a biopsy.)

Next to that, I was having some PTSD flareups of my own. This was (mostly) unrelated to The Fuckening. Now, I understand that that might be hard to believe, given “Myka’s” claims, and I can’t make you believe me. Nor will I provide details to convince you, other than to say there were some things going on in my neighborhood that recalled a period of time in my life that was extremely unstable, and I found myself irrationally terrified to go home every day. For those of you who don’t experience the symptoms of PTSD, I think it’s appropriate to note that it isn’t just emotional turmoil; I, personally, experience physical pain in my entire body that lingers for hours, days, or even weeks after being triggered. (Everything regarding this, too, is fine now. I have a great therapist and a supportive family.)

All of this to say, I wasn’t exactly thinking rationally when I decided to leave this blog and fandom. And I regretted the decision almost instantly.

However, I didn’t want to let grief make any decisions for me, and also I was still VERY scared Myka was going to hunt down my personal information and either dox or harass me elsewhere. I think this fear was justified; it has happened to other writers in this fandom before.* So I decided to take some time to cool off and watch the situation develop without me.

I don’t think I need to get into the details—although if you’re interested in them, @fulltacs has been keeping track of the drama. Given the most recent development with the four obviously sock puppet blogs that popped up and immediately began stirring shit up again, I realized Myka probably would have done what she did with or without me. I just so happened to give her the ammunition she needed to do something REALLY big. It was pure bad luck.

(Also—and I’m sorry if this is just stirring the pot, but after everything they did to me I feel I deserve to make the accusation—I’ve suspected for a while that the two loudest blogs leading the witch hunt against me were far more involved in this farce than anyone has assumed. I have no proof and I do not want anyone to do anything about it on my behalf, leave them the fuck alone. But I will not forget the distress they caused me for a long fucking time, and the only way for me to let this go is to say my piece. So there. Done. Let that be the end of it.)

Having this hindsight, I feel comfortable coming back. I’m still very touched by everyone’s support, which in the end was louder than the harassment. I also think it’s important for people who care about fighting racism in any community not to run at the first sign of trouble, which I did, and I feel pretty sorry for.

That’s the gist of things. If you’ve read all of this, thank you for doing so!

*I was going to add a paragraph about halfmoth-halfman’s situation but decided against it. For one thing, she wants to be left alone, and for another, talking about the experiences of fans of color, particularly black fans, deserves its own post separate from my white experience, if I should even post about it at all.